The narcissistic parent

Narcissistic Parents
En mi estudio del abuso mental infantil he notado la
prevalencia de que el abusador es altamente narcisista.
Qu es un padre narcisista? Es alguien que est absorto en s
mismo, autoritario (hay que estar pendientes de sus exabruptos),
son negativos, todo lo saben, nunca son culpables o responsables
de nada, son altamente crticos de los dems, son ocultos, astutos,
manipuladores, explotadores y codos con otros, (pero nunca con
ellos mismos), son mal agradecidos, mentirosos patolgicos (pues
tuercen la realidad con mucha facilidad), son envidiosos y
competitivos, estn sordos ante las opiniones de los dems, tienen
cero empata, no escuchan y no buscan la negociacin (ni siquiera
una gota de disposicin ), presumen y exageran, juegan a los
favoritos (adems de que la lista de favoritos es circular), no tienen
lmites, no hacen preguntas, son ineptos en la educacin ms
bsica, no tienen sentido del humor (especialmente hacia ellos
mismos), y tienen una excelente capacidad de hacer sentir
culpables a los dems. El o ella es una persona infeliz que
puede convencer exitosamente a otros que lo necesitan y que sin
ellos ese otro no es nada.
Al ver estas caractersticas,cuntas aplican a tu pareja o a tu ex?
Un narcisista tender a presentar la mayora de las caractersticas
descritas.
Se requiere de un padre extremadamente egosta Y enfermo para
causar dicho dao en su propio hijo. Cualquier padre maduro huele
hacer a un lado su enojo o dolor para mantener a su hijo tengo un
plano neutral. De esta manera evita mantenerlos en la mitad del
conflicto. Pero padre narcisista estar totalmente inclinado en mi

mesa o hasta en destruir la relacin de su hijo con su ex y adems

estar incapacitado para mantener al hijo fuera del conflicto. No
pueden hacerlo. De hecho activamente causaron dolor en sus hijos.
As de enfermos estn. As que como puedes contrarrestar a estos
padres? He aqu una cita: tratar de reformar a los narcisistas a
travs del razonamiento o al apelar a su buena naturaleza es tan
efectivo como escupir en el ocano.
Has sido una de las grandes frustraciones con mi ex pareja, pensar
que razonar con ella Y permitirle eventualmente calmarse y darse
cuenta de que soy un buen padre hara que su conducta con
nuestro hijo sera ms mediada. Pero nunca sucedi sus acciones
cada vez fueron peores la triste realidad es que no se puede
cambiar al narcisista ellos no tienen la conciencia de s mismos ni
la humildad para darse cuenta que estn fuera del control que
necesitan ayuda.
El nico verdadero para usted es ser un padre normal, proveer
contraste necesario para su hijo.
Es muy importante que
usted insista en que cualesquiera conductas que se parezcan a
su ex debe ser nada as inmediatamente as que si su hijo es
grosero, le habla mal y no es educado, No lo tolere.
El narcisista est gobernado por sus propios sentimientos, la
persona normal est gobernada por sus obligaciones. Dado que el
narcisista est gobernado por sus sentimientos, ellos no tienen la
habilidad para cumplir con sus sobre migraciones para proteger al
hijo del dolor emocional. No puede protegerlo de temas que son de
adultos activamente involucrar a los hijos en el conflicto.
Estos padres son un vrtice de energa negativa Y succionar a la
vista de todos a su alrededor los hijos de padres narcisistas sufren
mientras en dos campos: aquellos que se dan cuenta de las
conductas bizarras e irracionales de su Padre Y aquellos que estan
mental y fsicamente asfixiados por ese padre.
Tristemente
muchos de estos nios terminan heredando las caractersticas de
su padre narcisista, por lo que muchos terminan siendo narcisistas
ellos mismos.
La realidad es qu una vez Que los nios se convierten en adultos,
la nica manera para que no sufras ms bajo la tirana de un padre
severamente narcisista tico es alejarse de l.
Al crear una separacin fsica limita el contacto, Esto puede parecer
una mala solucin. Pero la alternativa de vivir una vida de
sufrimiento los lleva a tomar. Recordemos que el narcisista nunca
cambiar. Despus de todo l cree que no hace nada mal y que no
tiene ningn defecto. Todos los dems si.

Finalmente, hay la cita que considero muy importante: el narcisista

no tiene conciencia vientos para los dems especialmente hacia sus
hijos. Lo nico que les importa es su propio ego.
La mitad del dao que alguien este mundo est causado por gente
que se siente importante. Ellos no quieren hacer dao, el dao que
causa no les interesa. O no lo ven, o lo justifican porque estn
absortos en la lucha sin fin para pensar bien de s mismos. ~ T.S.
Eliot
Usted sola pensar que para cuando tuviera 20 aos, por supuesto
para los 30, usted ya tendr su vida resuelta pero no se encuentran
ni remotamente cerca de donde usted crey que estara. Mientras
su confianza en s mismo se desinfla, usted le dice a su pasado y se
da cuenta que su padre, el seor seguro de s mismo, pareca
tenerlo todo: xito popularidad y jams tena dudas sobre s mismo.
El era el xito de la fiesta, conoca a todos y haca que pasaran las
cosas. Nadie se cansaba de el.
Cmo viven los nios las caractersticas narcisistas?
Hemos hablado de dar por sentado a las familias es natural que
as sea. Cada familia es un experimento sociolgico, con sus
propias reglas no escritas, sus secretos y sus patrones de conducta.
Consideramos que nuestro padre o madre est dado por sentado;
as deben ser los padres de todos los nios. Y uno asume que
todos son as.
Aqu hay unos signos de que tu padre tena tendencias o era una
narcisista:
Mi pap era muy centrado en s mismo y muy vanidoso.
Tena un sentido de importancia de s mismo muy elevado
que haca que se creyera superior y que tena derecho a todo
lo mejor.
Mi pap utilizaba a la gente para su provecho personal. El
se aprovechaba de los otros, hasta explotarlos, cuando as le
convena. Todo le hacan y adems l esperaba que as
fuera.
Mi pap era carismtico. Todos queran estar cerca de l y l
disfrutaba mucho de la atencin de los dems. Disfrutaba ser
el centro de atencin y el refuerzo que esto le daba.
Nadie tena la imaginacin que l tena. Grandiosity is
alluring, and so were hisfantasies of success, prestige, and

brilliance. He would often exaggerate his achievements, and

his ambitions and goals bordered on unrealistic.
Dad didnt take criticism well. Nothing stung him
like criticism; he often cut those people out of his life, or tried
to hurt them.
Dads rage was truly scary. Some people get mad and yell a
lot. Dad could hurt you with his anger. It cut to the bone.
Dad could be aloof and unsympathetic. Narcissists often
have a hard time experiencing empathy; they often disregard
and invalidate how others feel. Of course, he was exquisitely
sensitive to what he felt, but others were of no mind.
Dad wasnt around a lot. He got a lot of gratification outside
the family. Other fathers hung out with their families a lot
more. Plus, he craved excitement and seemed to be more
concerned by what others thought of him, rather then how his
own kids felt about him.
Dad did what he wanted when dealing with
you. Narcissists dont step into someone elses shoes very
often. He did things with you that he enjoyed; maybe you did
as well.
Dad wanted you to look great to his friends and
colleagues. You were most important to him when he
could brag about you; sad but true.
You couldnt really get what you needed from him. Even if
Dad provided on a material level, you felt deprived on a more
subtle level. For example, you wanted his attention and
affection, but would only get it sporadically, and only when it
worked for him.
When you go through these traits, some may hit home; while others
may not be relevant. Some may ring as very true; while others as
less so. This is why narcissitic traits are not synonomous with
a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
The Heuristic Problem of Personality Classification:
Narcissism is not a dirty word, in fact, narcissistic traits are
commonly found in most of us. Theres nothing disturbed about that.
The other extreme is the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a
controversial, but often helpful label. For the record, our diagnostic
categories are somewhat arbitrary and lack the veracity of harder
medical diagnostic labels like a broken femur or glaucoma. These
disorders are easier to document and study.Personality

Disorders help us organize our thinking about an individual, but may

fall far short of a truthful depiction of a whole complex person.
Sometimes its hard to tell whether a person is narcissistic or merely
has a healthy self regard. Narcissism isnt about having high selfconfidence; its a love for oneself that has morphed into a
preoccupation. The term is based on Narcissus, the Greek
mythological character who was so infatuated with himself, that it
ultimately proved fatal.
Although its not actually fatal, narcissism can become so
pathological that it satisfies the criteria, however faulty, of a
personality disorder. The fourth edition of the Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV-TR) defines
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for
admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and
present in a variety of contexts as indicated. by the following:
wanting to be admired
having a sense of entitlement
being exploitative
lacking empathy
being envious
arrogance
Another characteristic typical of narcissists is a disregard of personal
boundaries. Narcissists dont always acknowledge the need for
boundaries which is coupled with their failure to realize that others
do not exist merely to meet their needs. A narcissist will often treat
others, especially those that are close to him, as if they are there to
fulfill his needs and expectations.
Now that you have a firm grasp on what a narcissistic father may be
like, lets take a look at how he might affect his kids. (We will get to
narcissistic mothers another time.)
How a Narcissistic Father Can Hurt his Son or Daughter:
Narcissistic parents often damage their children. For example, they
may disregard boundaries, manipulate their children by withholding
affection (until they perform), and neglect to meet their childrens
needs because their needs come first. Because image is so
important to narcissists, they may demand perfection from their
children. The child of a narcissist father can, in turn, feel a pressure

ramp up their talents, looks, smarts or charisma. It can cost them if

they fulfill their Dad's wishes - and it can cost them if they fail. No
winning here.
In general, heres how a narcissistic father can affect a daughter or
son.
Daughters of narcissistic fathers often describe feeling
unsatiated when it to comes to getting what they needed from their
fathers. They never got enough and would have to compete with
siblings for time with Dad. As a young child, Dad would comment on
how beautiful you were. But as you grew older, he would rarely miss
out on commenting on weight and attitude. You probably carry these
concerns into adulthood, even if you found success. With a Dad like
this, it's never enough. With men (or women), you often feel
vulnerable and worried youll be dumped for someone else.
Anxiously avoiding commitment or taking on the narcissitic role are
both natural ways to keep relationships safe; it's understanble and
self protective.(But, you lose.)
A daughter needs her dads adoration; it validates her and helps her
internalize her specialness. Healthy fathers give their girls that gift.
You are special and deserve love, for being you.
As the son of a narcissistic father you never feel that you can
measure up. Dad was so competitive, that he even competed with
you. (Or, didnt pay attention to you one way or the other.) You may
have accepted defeat - youd never outdo your dad. Or, you may
have worked hard to beat Dad at his own game just to get his
attention and some semblance of fatherly pride. You somehow never
feel good enough even when you do succeed, you still feel empty
and second rate.
Just like girls need to be adored by their fathers to feel validated,
boys also need their dad to believe in them. You may even become
a narcissist yourself. This way you get Dads attention (after all
imitation is the highest form of flattery); and you learn from your old
man how to manipulate and use people.
So how do you survive a narcissist father?
Every narcissist is a hero and a legend in his own mind. And, so was
Daddy.
Get into a good therapy. You want to come to terms with dad
for who he is, and how he hurt you. He' is your father after all,

and you will need to differentiate from him in order to enjoy his
presence without being undermined. Its no small task.
His arrogance and constant need for ego stroking can be
annoying. AcceptDad for who he is. If you put him into place
in your mind, he may simply end up being a lovable, but
annoying father. Take the best, as long as he doesnt still have
the power to hurt you.
Do not let Dad hurt you. If he has a rage attack, you may
decide to get in the car and leave. Limits are often a good
thing. Dad, this is not constructive.
Cut ties if it is too toxic or dangerous. Some narcissistic
parents have violent or abusive tendencies. It goes along with
their self righteousness. You are now and adult. Take care and
take caution.
Has
your
Dad
affected
your dating habits
and
choices? Some identify with their father by becoming
arrogant themselves. Others are anxious in their attachments
because they could never trust Dads undivided attention. Do
you date narcissistic people yourself?
Keep your expectations realistic and low. Dont expect a
relationship with a narcissistic person to be based on
mutuality or reciprocity. Narcissists are selfish and cant put
your needs on par with their own. As an adult, you can keep
these conflicts with your father at a distance; but if you date or
marry a narcissist, it probably will wear you out.
When you want something from a narcissist, convince
them that it will be to their benefit. I am not a big fan of
dishonesty, but some people with narcissistic traits can be
manipulated. When you want such a person to do something
for you, you need to spin it in a way so that your request
seems to be to their benefit. This may work with your father
and with others too.
Never
let
a
narcissist
determine
your selfworth. Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to validate
others, so be careful about trusting them with sensitive
information or sharing important achievements because they
wont treat it with the respect it deserves. I have seen this
backfire many times.
Sometimes compliance is the simplest way to deal with a
narcissistic parent. It may sound cheap, but if your father is
narcissistic, you may not be interested in cutting him out of
your life. He is your Dad, after all. Sometimes, its easier, and

requires less effort, to comply with most of his wishes. It may

not be worth the fight. You are an adult now, and you are not
under his roof anymore.
Alternatively, you can assert your own authority and
challenge his. Narcissists get away with their behavior
because others (passively) allow them to. Sometimes, you
may need to adopt an authoritative stance and firmly
impress upon him that his demeaning attitude is
unacceptable. You are no longer a child, and you are not as
vulnerable to his rejection or anger. Be prepared for push
back. Narcissistic people HATE criticism.
Pity the Narcissist. Arrogance doesnt really inspire sympathy
or compassion. But at the end of the day, when you think
about it, you may come to pity someone who is in constant
need of compliments, attention and validation. It is freeing.
Appreciate the Healthy Adults Out There:
While it's hard to grow up unaffected by a narcissistic father, there
may have been others who helped you along the way. Looking back
on your life, you may identify a grandfather, a grandmother, a coach,
a teacher, a therapist or a religious figure who really appreciated
you. Maybe, your mother saved the day.
Take in the Good:
I hope you can find the good. There may have been some good in
your narcissistic father. Embrace that, while distancing yourself from
the rest. Plus, there may have been special men and women in your
upbringing - internalize their good. And, there are good people to
care about today - bring in this good as well.
Finally, realize the value within yourself. You don't have to be great
to be good enough. That's an important healing.

What happens to grown children of a narcissist father during and

after divorce?
This is important to consider because after you've left the Narcissist
far behind and relieved yourself of the pain, your children continue to
deal with him. Its not a pretty picture. As the healthy parent,
understanding the Narcissist, knowing what to expect and providing
tips for the children will lessen the pain for everyone.
Narcissist Defined:

Narcissist is a term that originated with Narcissus in Greek

Mythology who fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of
water. Currently it is used to describe a person characterized by
egotism, vanity, pride, or selfishness. They are often affectionately
referred to as 'Narc', for short.
If you are unsure about the personality type of your ex read this
article from Divorced Moms and take the quiz. Mothers can also be
narcissistic but I am focusing on the fathers in this post. It is a very
similar situation and the tips and signs apply to mothers as well.
Signs your children's father has a Narcissistic personality

He has an overly inflated view of his own importance.

He has a tendency to exaggerate his accomplishments.
He has an excessive need for admiration.
He excessively envies others.
He has a constant belief that others envy him.
He has a condescending manner towards others.
He has a noticeable lack of empathy.
He has a sense of entitlement that he brings to his
relationships.

Appearances are very important to the Narcissist.

Narcissistic Supply:
The supply for the narcissist is the people around him. They help
him stay in the spotlight and reflect his self importance. Supply
sources are usually family members, spouses, co-workers (often
underlings in the workplace) and friends. The one thing these
people have in common is they all idolize, look up to and believe
everything the Narcissist tells them.
The moment these people question, doubt or disagree with the
Narc, they are no longer of use to him and no longer a source of
supply. The Narc's children are the ultimate supply...they're always
there, they carry his genes and they look up to him without question,
heck, they even look a bit like him...
The Narcissistic Father:
Narcissistic fathers see their children simply as an extension of
themselves. Their children's appearance, behavior, choices, friends,
and activities are all a reflection of themselves. This condition often

includes the parent expecting their children to be 'perfect' just as

they view themselves.
They do not see the children as individuals with their own ideas. For
obvious reasons, this becomes highly destructive to the children as
they approach young adulthood. Every decision they make is
questioned by the Narc father.
Every dream, idea or hint of independent thought is dismissed by
the Narc father if it does not abide by his ideals.
Narcissistic Disapproval:
If the son of a narcissist chooses a certain academic program in
college and the Narc views their choice as substandard
i.e. not medicine, pre-law, science or architecture, they will make
their disapproval known to all. They may even go so far as to
pretend the son isn't attending college. His classes aren't real
because they are not what he told him to study. You can see where
this is going.
The son is hard pressed to find any moral support or love from his
father. They are not capable of giving it. They are only capable of
recognizing what makes them look good or places them in the
spotlight. Surely, if the son had chosen pre-law for his studies, the
Narc would be bragging about it. It would reflect well on him.
A Daughters Experience With a Narcissistic Father:
"My friend's daughter had the pleasure of running into one of her
fathers long-time friends. The conversation that ensued humiliated
her. She was basically heckled by this person. He asked her why
she dropped out of university and why she had so many tattoos.
When she explained that she hadnt dropped out and was attending
night classes, he responded that the classes werent
real. Interestingly, her father had said the same to her not more
than a week prior. This example shows how toxic the Narc can be
and how it transfers to the Narc's supply (friends). The conversation
left the young woman feeling ugly and stupid. The Narc father can
be extremely charming and fun. As long as the children are a
source of supply, the children will benefit from this charm. But the
parent's attention to the children can quickly turn to neglect and
abuse once they are older and cease to provide narcissistic supply.
As the children grow they question their parents ideas and while this
is a normal part of child development, the Narc will not accept it. He
requires his children to worship him."

Divorce and the Narcissistic Father:

During a divorce, co-parenting with a narcissist can be dangerous.
They will go to great lengths to possess the children. They will
fabricate or distort the truth in order to maintain allegiance from their
children. Deep down a Narc is highly insecure. Parenting after
divorce becomes a popularity contest for the Narc. They have to
'win' the children at all costs. Their ego is vulnerable and causes
them to lash out at the person who has rejected their idealistic view
of themselves.
If you have asked for the divorce you can bet their wrath will be
focused on you. So what begins as a type of possession can
escalate into a destructive pattern of parental alienation. It is fair to
say, a Narc parent is more likely than a regular parent, to use
parental alienation as a method to retaliate. What begins as
possessive and nonstop attention from the father inevitably turns to
rejection as the children enter adulthood.
The Impact on Children of a Narcissistic Father:
When the child is on the verge of adulthood and learning to spread
their wings, there will likely be conflict between Narc parent and
child. At this point, know that your child will be vulnerable to abuse.
Nothing they do or say will be good enough for their Narc father.
If the child (now a young adult) is not available to serve the Narc
parent immediately upon request, they are subject to abuse. This
abuse can be verbal, emotional, mental and sometimes even
physical. The repercussions to the child can be seen as:

low self esteem,

stress,

self doubt and,

lack of confidence.
If the child is no longer good for the Narc, they are not good for
anything and they are told as much. The Narc will even go so far as
to tell anyone who will listen how disobedient and terrible their child
is. How their child has hurt them.
It is common to hear the Narc speak of himself as the victim.
They will even enlist other people or sources of supply to 'talk sense'
into the child. This creates a whole extended source of stress for
the child as he is questioned by friends and family who believe the

Narcs stories. But reliving the ugly words of the Narc parent in order
to tell his side of the story leaves the adult child defensive and
frustrated. The child's self esteem and confidence become further
eroded by the Narc's enlisted supply.
It is important that you, as the healthy parent acknowledge that this
treatment is abusive.
Talking to Your Child About Narcissistic Abuse:
Explain to your child that the abuse is not his fault and he did
nothing wrong (barring the typical difficulties parent/child relations
endure) and doesn't deserve this abuse. Reminding your child that
it's okay to stand up for himself and to remove himself from the
abuse is key to helping him cope. Equip your child no matter what
age, with skills and tactics to handle the Narc parent. In extreme
cases, the adult child may need to estrange himself from the parent
to maintain a healthy lifestyle and to heal.
Tips for For Adult Children of Narcissistic Fathers:

Anticipate when there will be conflict and practice remaining

calm and keeping explanations simple.

Learn about the personality type of the Narc parent and

understand it is not YOUR problem.

Keep your expectations of the parent low.

If you need to negotiate something with your narc parent

always begin with how it will benefit them.

Set and maintain boundaries to lessen emotional and bullying

interference.

It's okay to say no to your father.

Know when it's time to walk away to live healthy.

Maintaining distance allows you to have a limited but better

relationship with the Narc parent.

Understand that an apology from the Narc is often insincere

and abusive patterns will likely repeat.

Narcissists often express love with money.

Tips for the Healthy Parent:

Love your child unconditionally.

Be a source of moral support.
Model normal behavior.
Praise your child's independence and decision making.


Allow them to make mistakes.

Acknowledge the abuse.

Continue teaching them relationship etiquette.

Its important to understand the destructive behaviors of the
Narcissist father and their impact on your children. Especially after
divorce, when the Narc can become even more insecure and
abusive its important to realize the unique challenges you will face.
Know that as your children become adults, there is bound to be
more conflict between them and their Narcissist father.
Acknowledging that these behaviors are abusive and educating your
child on how to best handle the narcissistic father will help them
cope with the ongoing difficulties this relationship will bring.
Your best tactic? Continue modeling normal parenting behavior.
Is it possible to go No Contact with a narcissist co-parent?
No, not in the way that No Contact was originally intended. Victims
who want/need the torture to stop but still have to deal with coparenting issues are left to their own devices without a single one of
the privileges that many other victims may take for granted. As a
victim who co-parents, how do you block a phone number, move
away, refuse to answer the door, blow off the in-laws, and so forth
when children are involved? You cant. How do you flat out refuse to
communicate with a parent that the children (bless their hearts) have
been duped into loving? How do you deal with the fact that the
narcissist talks shit about you to the kids and you cant even defend
yourself (because you choose to do the right thing and stay quiet)?
Because the N is not a normal human, he/she is going to use the
children as a narcissistic tactic and weapon of choice to cut you to
the very bone. Since the N has no conscience, dragging the children
into the dirt is nothing but a thing and the easiest way to hurt you.
The N will use every excuse in the book pertaining to the children to
intrude upon your new life. At some point, the narcissist may even
threaten you either with CPS or by saying that he simply wont be
bringing them back. Granted, the latter scenario isnt likely because
a typical N honestly cant be bothered (but the thought is
nonetheless horrifying since you know the boundaries that this
person will cross both in court and out). Sadly, you will now have to
watch the torture that was your relationship played out towards the
children. Since the narcissist (again, male or female) can no longer
Idolize, Devalue, & Discard you, he will turn his pathological
relationship agenda upon the children. Its likely he/she will make

plans with the children and then not show up. The N may promise
to call and then conveniently forget for days, weeks, or longer.
He/she may even miss holidays altogether, choosing instead to be
with a new victim family and partner. He will relish the thought that
even now, with the relationship being over, he can still continue to
torture you by torturing the children. And since the children, at least
while theyre young, tend to love a narcissist parent unconditionally
no matter how neglectful and indifferent he/she may be, the N
ultimately gets nearly a life time to make sure you are never happy
again!
So, what is the answer?
The answer, first, is to know that the relationship between you and
the N is over. At this point, despite how he appears to others, you
already know the type of parent that he really is and must proceed to
use this information to (for once) serve your own purpose. How
much time did the N really spend with the children anyway?
Narcissists are historically not doting fathers and mothers or
even participating fathers and mothers. Over and over, I hear stories
of narcissists walking out just weeks after a child is born. Silent
treatments!! Can you imagine that?? Silent treatments when
theres an infant and new mother at home? I hear about narcissists
who walk out just days before Christmas, leaving the children with
not the slightest idea where daddy went. This may not be exactly the
case with your ex-N but I bet its close. Use this knowledge to your
advantage. You are a good person. He is not.
As a co-parent with an N, you, too, must strive to be a SuperPower!
You must develop thicker skin than you ever thought possible so that
every nasty comment he throws your way rolls off your back. You
must be able to take an emotional beating without anyone being the
wiser. You have to learn to detach, detach, detach and commit,
commit, commit to setting boundaries and making rules of
engagement. Communication, if possible, should be limited to text,
email, and the sporadic phone calland it must only concern
sensible/reasonable issues about the children (and, really, how
many of those can there be that have to involve the N?). Above all
else, do your best to react to nothing (the point of the Ns game,
after all, is to make YOU the psycho co-parent) unless its life
threatening to the children and even then pay no attention to
him/her specifically.
Do not worry about and/or feed into the enormous amount of trashtalking going on behind your back. In fact, say nothing and simply

observe, allowing the N to talk trash about mommy (or daddy) all
day long if he/she wants to. Sit quietly on the sidelines while the
pathetic narcissist digs his own parental grave and he will dig it
because he just wont be able to help himself. Take comfort in the
fact that children are strong, resilient, and smart. They will grow up
one day and see the narcissist parent for what he/she is and you will
come out the winner. The mask always slips and thats a fact.
From co-parenting with a narcissist, nothing good ever comes
this we already know so where else can we really go but up? You
must believe in your heart that no matter how hurtful the narcissist is
or how evil his intention, you are still free! The relationship is over.
You may now look upon the Narcissist as nothing more than an
annoying sperm donor and treat him accordingly. He deserves
nothing less, nothing more. For years, the narcissist has been
methodically managing down your expectations...preparing for
this very day.setting the stage for this break-up because
he knew it would comeit had to come. The narcissist co-parent
counts on the fact that his passive-aggressive conditioning of
your responses to his words and behaviors has stuck and that you
still fear what he could do, might do, will do.
He counts
on his control in this situation and your emotional fragility. The fact
that he gets to use the kids against you is just an added bonus!
Turn it around by having no more fear. Its time to up the ante.
First, if the narcissist has a girlfriend, tell him you want to be
communicative with her about the children. Now, the N will hate this
but thats too bad. Normal couples in normal break-ups speak to the
others all the time. In fact, you should simply refuse to send the kids
unless youat least get to speak to her on the phone for five detached
minutes about Suzies sort throat. If you show that youre willing and
actually prefer to communicate with the OW, the N is likely to begin
behaving immediately to ensure this never happens and thats fine
too (its what we want). Id be willing to bet that, within a short
amount of time, the narcissist will begin to back out completely since
the fun of making you suffer will have been taken out of the
equation. Using this particular communication twist clearly sends a
message to the N that says: I dont care about you anymore.
Do not allow fear to keep you from being free. You have to let it all
go (narcissist included). Do not let your emotions rule your actions.
You can still initiate and implement your own version of No Contact
with the narcissist co-parent. You can still move on with your life.
Chances are high that if you show indifference, detachment, and a

refusal to play the game on his terms in any way, the narcissist will
do what he has always done and vanish anyway. The children
will still grow up to be wonderful people. In the end, you as the coparenting ex victim will be stronger than any of us who have
embarked on this journey. Your decision to end it with the N despite
the fact that you have children together will always be the right
decision.
I tip my hat to you, sisters and brothers. Its going to be a challenge
but I know you can do it. Change your perspective and change your
life. Do not let the N twist the rules of the game to serve his/her own
purpose. Allow no more manipulation because that part of your life is
over!! Dont allow the co-parenting dilemma to become an excuse to
stay connected with the N. Instead, beat the co-parent narcissist at
his/her own game by playing by the rules. You can win. I know you
can!

In this example, the father has put some other opportunity ahead of
being at his childs ballgame. He is embarrassed when the child
confronts him on this. His solution is to make himself the victim by
making the child feel badly about wanting his father at his ballgame.
fBPDs and the Adult Child
While the fBPD routinely treats his relationship with his children as a
secondary bond, he nonetheless expects the child will have a
primary bond with him. This means that he expects that the child will
make him first priority when there is a conflict. This may become
more apparent as the child enters adolescence or young adulthood.
Here the fBPD was exercising his second option, because his first
option, his friend, fell through. He nonetheless expected the child to
drop everything and treat the father as primary attachment. When
the child does not do so, the fBPD becomes abusive.
Like the female sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder, the
fBPDs are intolerant of criticism and cannot take responsibility for
any error or flaw.
Here the fBPD responds to criticism with abuse. This is a
characteristic pattern of both male and female sufferers. The child is
punished for attempting to negotiate a mutually respectful
relationship with the parent.

The fBPD is wounded by any criticism from anybody. The pain

triggers instant rage and the fBPD assumes the posture of victim.
This then justifies any and all abuse toward the child, which is
generally expressed immediately and without restraint. The childs
crime of finding fault with the parent is amplified to a felony. The
fBPD treats the child as though he or she has launched a vicious
attack and responds with full ferocity.
Paradoxically, despite the intensity of the instant vitriol that can be
triggered by any perceived criticism or slight, these aggressive
expressions are transitory.
Surviving the Borderline Father:
Growing up with one or more parents affected with BPD causes
significant damage to the childs sense of self. Relief can only be
achieved by stopping the abuse. This is done by installing consistent
boundaries that do not allow for this type of abuse. Once this is
achieved, healing of the self can occur by recognizing the damage
done by the abuse and recasting the relationship in more realistic
terms.
The nub of the problem is that if you have been raised by a
Borderline mother or father, these behavioral scenes are your
normal. First you need to step outside the abusive relationship
sufficiently to realize whats been done to you. After all, children
dont ask for abuse from the people they love the most in this world.
Then, psychotherapy can help with objectifying whats going on,
setting good limits, and being the best son or daughter that you
choose to be under the circumstances.
Its a fight thats worth the effort.
BPD Behavior in Men: Misperceptions
Abrupt and often baffling displays of anger and rage are common
among those with Borderline Personality Disorder. This type of
aggressive behavior is generally more accepted in men than it is in
women. We are socialized in our culture believing that violence and
anger are predominantly male characteristics and are anomalous
when seen in women, who are thought to be less inclined to
demonstrate extreme anger.
Studies, however, do not bear this out. Some reports estimate that
up to 40 percent of domestic violence is female on male. It is simply
a myth that men are inherently more prone to violent outbursts.

It is also common for BPD behaviors in fathers to be misinterpreted

as strict parenting (ruling with an iron glove) or overly controlling
parenting. Not seeing behaviors as symptoms of a mental health
problem undermines the severity of the damage being done in the
family unit, and prevents meaningful change.
Seeing your fathers behaviors accurately and not chalking them up
to mere anger issues or tough love can help you begin to
contemplate how to address the root causes and hopefully change
the dynamic in your family relationships.
Signs Your Dad Has BPD
Although you would need a diagnosis from a trained mental health
professional, it is possible that your father is suffering from BPD if
you notice any of the following behaviors:
o
o
o
o
o
o

Your father is overly emotional with little provocation

He rages at you or other family members for perceived slights
or infractions
He has a substance abuse problem
He experiences tumultuous relationships within and without
the family unit
He is emotionally manipulative and overly judgmental
He experiences bouts of depression or self-loathing, or has
engaged in self-harming or impulsive behaviors
Educate Yourself about BPD
Take time to educate yourself about Borderline Personality Disorder
and speak with other family members who may be receptive to
information about BPD and BPD treatment. Living with someone
who has BPD can have a profoundly detrimental effect on your own
mental health and sense of well-being. Education on BPD can help
you find a sense of validation simply by showing you that you are
not alone and the patterns of behavior you are witnessing in your
home are common among families of people with BPD.
While you may or may not be able to get your father into BPD
treatment or even have him seek a diagnosis, you can be proactive
in repairing some of the damage that BPD-related abusive behavior
has done to you.
In the spirit of Fathers Day, take some time to read up on Borderline
Personality Disorder, seek support either in your community or
online, and discover new communication techniques that may help
alleviate some of the difficulties in communicating with your father.

Entering therapy on your own can also help manage your own
emotions surrounding your fathers BPD.

The Child Victim of a Narcissistic Personality Disordered Parent

Updated on August 31, 2014
The NPD Parent
Young children of a parent who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder
are genuine victims of their parent and the disorder, as much as any
child who lives through life with an addicted parent, or a parent guilty
of physical or sexual abuse. The narcissistic parent abuses in an
intensely subtle and devious fashion: they are guilty of severe
emotional and mental abuse, and no one outside of the family would
ever suspect anything wrong.. These child victims quite often go
unnoticed, untreated, and not helped by other adults outside of the
immediate family. This is due to the nature of Narcissistic Personality
Disorder (NPD).
The overriding behavioral sign of a NPD parent is their almost total
lack of concern for their child. On the surface, and in public, the NPD
parent is often unnoticeable as an abusive person. Inside the family,
there is no doubt for the child that there is something very, very
wrong. In some cases, the NPD parent will begin to heat up and
make mistakes that brings negative attention to them and begins to
shine a light on their NPD, but in most cases, the NPD abuse
continues for years unabated. One might consider NPD a kind of
spectrum with varying degrees of disorder and behavioral
inconsistency. While some NPD adults express their disorder in a
fairly mild fashion (think the beauty pageant mom or the sort of dad
who pushes his child to do a sport they do not want to do), other
NPD parents are very intelligent, experts at hiding their abuse, and
are able to manipulate others at will (even teachers, ministers,
police, lawyers, and even judges).
NPD parents, due to the disorder, have little to no regard for their
childs individuality, ambitions, or emotions. The NPD parent is quite
simply all about themselves, all the time. This is a very difficult
concept for most normal people to grasp; it is hard to relate to a
parent who has no genuine concern for their child other than how
that child can enhance the parents image, or how the child can be
drawn from as a source of narcissistic supply. People with NPD

consistently look for and groom people with charm, false interest,
and quite often lavish gifts in order to get them to commit to
relationship with the NPDd person. When they have a child, they
have a built in ego supplier. An individual with NPD absolutely needs
to see reactions in the people around them in order to reassure
themselves of an identity. And they do not really care what kind of
reaction it is, as long as they get a reaction. So the NPD parent
frequently will rapidly change from the most charming, loving and
giving parent on the planet to the most enraged, unfeeling, cruel
parent imaginable (think of the film Mommy Dearest).

The Child's Experience of NPD Abuse

For all the complaints most parents make about spoiled children,
children really do have very little power over their parents. This is
even more true in the case of a child with an NPD parent, since the
child intimately knows the unpredictability, implied threats and
intense rages that the parent demonstrates. The child learns early in
life to duck and cover by constantly appeasing the childish whims
(that change with the breeze) of the NPD parent. The child becomes
terrified that if they speak to anyone outside of the family about their
very ill parent, no one will listen or believe them, since the NPD
parent is a master of the false face in public. Secondarily, the child
is terrified that their complaint will get back to the NPD parent, and
they will pay a high penalty for this.
The NPD parent affects intense fear in the child in one of several
ways. First, they may tell the child that they have eyes and ears
everywhere and the child can hide nothing from them. One father of
three little girls gave them necklaces that he told them they had to
wear at all times, because he had special powers and could see
everything the children did through the necklaces. They were
terrified to keep them on, and terrified to take them off. Another way
that NPD parents incite fear is to make either vague or direct threats
to the child that the parent will abandon them, or that the parent will
not be able to live if the child is not compliant to the parents will. Any
child naturally loves and wants to please their parent; NPD parents
can never be pleased and the child is never good enough. Yet other
NPD parents make it clear between the lines that if the child should
ever be disloyal to the parent, grave and dangerous things will
happen, up to an including harming their non-NPD parent or the
child themselves.

The child victims of NPD parents are simply there to supply the
parent ego boosting reassurance; the parent needs the child to
adore and agree with them always, something that the child gets
very skilled at doing when in the presence of the parent. Away from
the parent, these children are often depressed, anxious, and
morose, as if they have simply given up on being a normal child.
While some school counselors or coaches may notice that the child
is having difficulty, they never suspect it is due to NPD abuse,
especially if they know the childs NPD parent. Should the child tell
the adult about the parent, the child will instantly be suspect as
having some innate emotional or mental health problem; this plays
right into the hands of the NPD parent when the school counselor
calls for a meeting. The child is then caught in an impossible trap:
the child gets diagnosed with the mental health problem.
The personality disordered parent can slip up sometimes, letting
their real lack of character show. This might happen when the
parent, intent on what they want, creates an embarrassing public
scene with the child present. In fact, they will at times use their
children as levers in public situations to get others to back down or
give them what they want. The witnesses to such public rages will
give in just to save the child the intense embarrassment that their
parent is willing to put them through.
The child learns that they must set aside the things that are
important to them or the things that they would like to do, because it
is only what the NPD parent wants that counts. The parent always
places their own desires and needs before the child, often cloaking
this with the altruistic statement that the parent is just doing what is
best for the child. The child has no real choice not to buy into their
parents plan for them, even if the child has no desire or any real
talent for the activity that the parent is forcing them to do. Emotional
blackmail is a given. On the other hand, some NPD parents will
simply ignore any achievement that the child makes on their own,
and may even belittle the achievement in private while taking full
credit for the childs accomplishment in public, if the accomplishment
reflects the NPD parent as parent of the year.
In private, NPD parents will present to the child as either over
controlling, totally ignoring of the child, and angry at the child or
overly kind, giving, and generous. These presentations can alternate
in rapid fashion, leaving the child constantly emotionally off
balance. This is, in essence, a form of mind control and torture well
known to survivors of POW camps. So the child is faced with a very

narrow choice of how to respond to the NPD parent: they can

choose to submit in total compliance (and so lose their identity), wait
patiently until they turn eighteen and then get as far from the parent
as possible and try to find healing, or through constant exposure and
training become narcissistic adults themselves. The latter child may
be treated like a little prince or princess by the parent, at the
expense of any other siblings who have chosen a different path of
coping.
The normal development of children dictates that they begin to
individuate and differentiate as they grow, meaning that children
blossom into their unique selves. This normal progress gains
momentum as the child gets older. The NPD parent begins to be
very uncomfortable when the child begins to assert their individuality
or independence; the parent perceives this as betrayal, disloyalty, or
disobedience. Children often realize their parents illness fairly early
in grade school when they have the chance to compare other
childrens parents to their own. As the child gets older, the stress in
the family system grows to intolerable levels for the child.
Some NPD parents can develop a reputation in the community as at
least difficult and at worse be considered unpredictable and
dangerous. NPDs may heat up and can pose real danger in that
they view their children (and ex) as possessions that they are
privileged to dispose of should they wish to do so. Many cases of
domestic violence and murder can be trailed to an NPD individual.
Intervention
If the non-NPD parent is able gain the strength and finds assistance
to extract from the relationship, the courts often support standard
custody agreements, and the child, fearing the narcissistic parent,
will not speak to counselors, lawyers, or judges about the situation.
The disordered parent has proven over and over again the childs
whole life that they cannot be discovered for what they are, nor can
they be beat or held accountable. The child has no faith that these
adults can help them, and in fact, the narcissistic parent often plays
the legal system so well that lawyers and judges are taken in and
believe the non-NPD parent is simply exaggerating due to the
emotions of the divorce situation. Indeed, the accounts that the nonNPD parent gives of the NPD parent often sound so off the wall that
even a judge has a hard time believing it. The child believes that
there is no one in the world that can help them from the narcissistic
parent, so will support the NPD publicly.

Clinical counselors are always very hesitant if not completely

avoiding of treating children involved in custody cases when a
parent is perceived to have NPD. Most clinicians will only very rarely
publicly identify a person as having a personality disorder, lest the
narcissist turn their full wrath on the counselor (meaning hauling
them into court to testify or more often, harass them about their
work, competency, etc.). Once again, the narcissistic parent does
not really care about the child or the childs needed therapeutic
support, only that the narcissistic parent might be able to use the
counselor against the non-NPD parent, and make themselves look
better in court.
Ultimately, true intervention for the child can only come from the
court system, as this is the only institution that a narcissist respects
and fears. The problem, as alluded to before, is that judges often
miss the fact that one of the parents they are dealing with has this
personality disorder. In addition, it is often very difficult to
demonstrate emotional and mental abuse, since the nature of the
relationship with the NPD parent prohibits the child speaking
honestly to the judge, and the non-NPD parent is most assuredly
being considered biased. Since few if any counselors are willing to
testify about the abuse and place themselves in the path of a
narcissist, the court is left to discern these things on their own. By
learning the many characteristic behavioral clues that NPDs
inevitably leave in a wide trail behind them, custody courts can begin
to identify and then make valuable interventions for children with
NPD parents.
If a court were to provide for a moratorium on the childs contact with
the NPD parent, it could give the child enough time to begin the
healing process and gain courage to enter counseling treatment in a
fashion that can be genuinely helpful. In addition, the court would
need to provide greater protection for the counselor from being
called into court and testifying (which effectively destroys the
therapeutic relationship with the child into the future)so that they can
do their job of helping the child recover and generate coping
mechanisms for dealing with their NPD parent more effectively.