11/12/2016

3ReasonsWhyYouFallForEmotionallyUnavailablePartners

Home / Featured Content / 3 Reasons Why You Fall For Emotionally Unavailable Partners

3 Reasons Why You Fall For Emotionally

Unavailable Partners
How does that happen? You know what you want and yet you pick the opposite. Kyle Benson
explains.
July 27, 2016 by Kyle Benson 8 Comments

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My most common client is in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner. They

dont know what to do and they dont understand why their partner treats them the way they do.
Their partner says they are committed to the relationship, but their behavior tells a different
story. We wonder if we are a priority in their life. Every time we commit and get closer, it feels
like they put us down or tell us we are needy. Its confusing and hurtful.
If you feel like this in your relationship, youll most likely dating an emotionally unavailable
partner whose life experiences have taught them to avoid intimacy. Closeness and being
connected to another person caused more pain and neglect than the eeting moments of love
they received.
The science of love labels this person an avoidant. But in their minds, they are a non-needy,
independent individual. If you nd yourself in a relationship with this person, youre most likely a
person who desires closeness and is willing to make compromises in your relationship to make it
work.
This is not healthy.
It will only lead you
to a relationship
that feels very onesided. You investing
in the relationship
but they are not.
Any person who
desires closeness is
going to run into
three major
obstacles to nding
Graspingwithoutknowing

a soulmate.

1) Emotionally Unavailable People Dominate Modern Dating

Our modern world of dating is full of emotionally unavailable partners. The sort of people who
are ercely independent and dont like closeness often end their relationships rst.
A recent study1on attachmentshowed that avoidants who entered a new marriage, post-divorce,
were more likely to divorce again. Since this type of person suppresses the emotions of love, they
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get over partners almost instantly.

Therefore, avoidants are in the dating pool more often, and for longer periods of time.
Secure partners dont go through countless partners before they happily settle down. Once things
click, they commit to a long-term relationship. This is why secure partners are the hardest to
nd. They take a long time to rejoin the dating pool, if they do at all.
Studies also show that avoidants avoid other avoidants because they lack the emotional glue to
stay together. Ironically, one study didnt even nd a single pair that was avoidant-avoidant. This
is why avoidants are more likely to date people with different attachment styles. Someones got to
make the effort.
Putting the jigsaw puzzle together, you can see that the probability that meeting an avoidant in
the dating market is high. Much higher than their actual size in the population: 25%.
Avoidants are recycled back into the dating pool more often, but they dont date each other
because they both want space. Nor do they date secure people, because secure people are less
available. So who are they attracting? Thats right: potential partners with an anxious attachment
type. Partners who crave extreme closeness.
Understanding your attachment type is your key to nding a lasting and fullling relationship.
Youre only as troubled as the relationship youre in. If you keep nding yourself dating
unavailable partners, the common denominator in all of your relationships is you.

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2) You Find An Emotionally Unavailable Partner Attractive

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2) You Find An Emotionally Unavailable Partner Attractive

The science of
attachment
attraction says if
you are anxious,
you also believe
that your partner
doesnt want as
much closeness as
you want.
We are often
unaware that the
partners we are
obsessed with are
the ones that

Helooksgoodbutisunavailable

reinforce our
deepest insecurities. Studies on the science of adult attachment includingPaula Pietromonaco
(University of Massachusetts) and Katherine Carnelly (University of Southampton UK) found
that avoidant individuals actually prefer anxiously attached people. Another study done by Jeffry
Simpson of the University of Minnesota showed that anxious women are more likely to date
avoidant men. Thisshows that our beliefs about love attract specic partners.
People who ercely guard their independence are attracted to partners who invade it. People who
desire extreme closeness are attracted to people who are scared of intimacy. Sounds healthy right?

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Its not.

Meet Steven. Steven had a toxic relationship with an aspiring actress named Leah. Leahs subtle
indicators of unavailability made Steven feel insecure. This is typical when someone who desires

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closeness dates someone
who craves independence.

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Very early in the relationship, the independent partner starts sending mixed signals. Leah
called, but she took her time doing it. Leah was interested in Steven, but she needed to make sure
he knew she was still playing the eld.

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This behavior leaves us guessing. Every time you get a mixed message, the needy partner
becomes preoccupied with the relationship. Friendships, hobbies, and career opportunities dont
matter.

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Our primal instincts to stay close to our partners drive us to seek closeness from them. If our life
experiences have confused the anxiety and neglect of a relationship with those who hate
closeness for love, then any secure person we meet will be ignored. This leaves us to only attract
those who reinforce our deepest insecurities.
Being constantly uncertain, needy, and insecure about our relationships is not what nature
intended. Famous scientists James Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth discovered that in order to
thrive and grow as human beings, we need a reliable partner to derive our strength and security
from.

3) You Find Healthy Lovers to be Missing the Spark

Lets say youre one of the lucky ones and you meet someone secure. Do you realize youve just
won the dating lotto, or are you just not feeling it?
Four years ago, Susan was set up by her friend Diana with this guy named Brandon. Brandon, a
med student at the time, wanted to meet someone after his girlfriend of three years left him. He
was pretty sad about the breakup, but after a few months was ready to start dating again.
Susan described Brandon as physically beautiful. He had a sense of humor. He was athletic, and
came from a stable, well-educated family.
He was a catch, right? Not quite.

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Susan
wasnt interested. The spark was missing. Diana was dumbfounded; she couldnt
comprehend why Susan was turning him down. In hindsight, though, it makes sense.

When you met a secure lover, the messages you receive are honest, straightforward, and
consistent. Due to the SEX&
belief that they
are worthy of love, secure
lovers are not
afraid of intimacy.
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They dont beat around the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages and other behaviors
that cause uncertainty, tension, and suspense in the relationship dont exist.
Due to this, you feel rather calm around them. You believe they cant be the one, because no
emotional alarms are going off. Your life experiences have taught you that a calm attachment
system is boring.
This fallacy causes you to pass perfect soulmates by. Susan went through toxic relationship after
toxic relationship because she assumed the anxiety and uncertainty of an activated attachment
system was a signal of chemistry. The man she married, Steve, who was full of condence, never
missed a chance to put her down.
Brandon on the other hand, met someone a few months later and theyve been together ever
since. They now live in California and have one adorable little girl named Corina. He is an
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amazing father and husband.

Susan had a rough ride. After several years of feeling neglected and disrespected, she nally built
up the self-respect to leave Steve. After working on her beliefs with a coach, she started to
appreciate the stabilitySEX&
and securityDADS&FAMILIES
of a loving relationship
with a secure man.
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After her divorce, she met Blake, who is as loving and as caring as Brandon. Shes never had a
calmer or a more secure relationship than the one she has with Brandon.
Learning about your attachment type and the people you nd attractive is crucial to your
relationship happiness.

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The highs and lows of constant uncertainty in a relationship should not be mistaken for passion
or love. They may feel like that, but theyre not. Dont let emotionally unavailable people turn you
on.

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References:
1. Ceglian, C. P., and S. Gardner. Attachment Style: A Risk for Multiple Marriages? Journal of
Divorce and Remarriage 31 (1999): 125-39.

Photo: Pixabay

For more ideas on how to improve your relationships, sign-up for my free weekly newsletter and
Ill send you a gift, The Popular Passionate Relationship Toolkit.
Other popular articles by Kyle Benson on The Good Men Project:
The Story Of Us: The Difference Between Happy & Unhappy Couples
Your Soulmate Will Always Cause Problems
Marriage Struggles: The Partner With The Least Desire Controls Sex
If Love Requires Work, Was It Meant to Be?

FiledUnder:FeaturedContent,Marriage&Commitment

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TaggedWith:attachment,avoidant,dating,emotionallyunavailable,happiness,insecurities,intimacy,
KyleBenson,relationship,SexandRelationships,soulmate

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About Kyle Benson

Kyle Benson helps couples revitalize relationships in the bedroom and out. When he
isnt coaching or writing new articles, Kyle loves to dance salsa, immerse himself foreign
countries and lift heavy weights. View more of his advice at KyleBenson.net

Leave a Reply
8 Comments on "3 Reasons Why You Fall For Emotionally Unavailable Partners"

Jointhediscussion

Sort by: newest | oldest | most voted

Guest

Rich
3months10daysago

2.6k

Two more things, a P.S. to my other comment if you will. First: I give you credit for acknowledging, in
your rst example, that women as well as men can be avoidants, and that men as well as women can
want closeness and be hurt by those who dont. I wish whoever selected the illustrations for your article
had been as free from preconceptions about this. Tip to that person: Not every avoidant is a man. Bonus
tip, while Im handingSEX&
them out: Not everyone
in a relationshipSPORTS
is young, good-looking,
and white.
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Second: Would you
elaborate, maybe in aRead more
0

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Author

KyleBenson
3months10daysago

Hi Rich. Thank you for your comments. Youre right. The pictures do need some adjusting. Will work on
this.
I did write an article on my personal site titled, 5 Secrets to Finding Your Soulmate if Youre Needy. Its
about the anxious attachment type and how to attract an emotionally secure partner while avoiding an
emotionally unavailable person. Its rather long (2,000+ words), so I dont know if the GMP will post it
here, but Ill see what I can do.
Thanks again for your feedback.
0

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Guest

Rich
3months9daysago

Thanks, Kyle. Ive found the article on your personal site. Ah, you know some of this from personal
experience! Especially good to know. Ill read the whole article when I have time to give it my full
attention.
2.6k I have to admit, Im still not sure that emotionally secure partners are still available or that any
healthy and secure woman would be at all attracted to me at my age; but I suppose one only gets that
answer by trying.

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Rich
3months9daysago
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Another P.S.
Maybe the GMP would let you post an into or summary with a link to the full article? Its
denitely worth reading.
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Guest

Rich
3months10daysago

This is so depressing, especially for us non-afuent older guys, who are already considered undesirable
and have very few potential dates and partners to begin with. I know the purpose of articles like this is
not to discourage. In fact, attachment theory can be very valuable knowledge, life-changing knowledge,
for those who discover it and manage to make use of its insights while young. But those of us who nd
ourselves single, or contemplating the end of a relationship, in our 40s, 50s, or even 60s (my age bracket)
or beyond, need to be realistic: were screwed, and not inRead more
0

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Matt

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3months13daysago

Hey bud I just read all that but my relationship is not like those my wife got molested wen she was young
she nds it hard getting intimate its getting pretty hard is there anyway I can help her lose the feelings
she gets

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Author

KyleBenson
3months10daysago

Hi Matt. Im sorry to hear about your wife getting molested. That traumatizing experience does make
getting intimate difcult and must have been really hard on her. First, have you asked her how you can
support her with this? You may have, you may have not. The best person to answer that question would
not be me, itd be her. Second, its important to realize these feelings are something she may have the rest
of her life and its not the feelings that are the block to intimacy, but its her and your willingness to work
with those uncomfortable feelings.Read more
0

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Guest

Charlene
3months14daysago

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Than the one she has with Blake Not Brandon Surely
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