April 14th 1865 (Devin Amodio)

The Most Civil Times

George McClellan (pictured above) has been awarded:

Time Magazine: Most Patient Person of the Decade
For his most patient and concise war efforts, we all, including President Lincoln stand in
admiration of him as he is a true American hero, he should be remembered four his scores and at
least 7 years of service commanding our Army of the Potomac

Other News:
1. William H. Harrison has lost his jacket in the public market here in Washington and has put up a
reward of 20 greenbacks for its return, hopefully he does not get too cold in the meanwhile.
2. John Noyes took some Guns and Roses down to his paradise city in Oneida, where the grass is green
and the girls are pretty because they believe in strange sexual interactions.
3. The idea that has inspired that community and much new literature has been inspiring a new
profession known as Transcontinental Dentists. The slang term for these new oral doctors is
Transcendentalists, an innovative combination of the words and I must say I Thoreauly like it.
4. The police have found a man named John Brown who has been wanted for making a girl named
Kansas bleed. They will Stowe him in Uncle Toms Cabin while he awaits trial. Hopefully it is a
speedy trial and that they Harriet and end it quickly
5. According to Lonesome Dave Peverett, it was not a slow ride to end slavery and they did not take
it easy on the slaves, instead, slaves were forced to wear Fog-hats in the moist misty mornings
6. Millard Meek Mill Fillmore has recently released his 4th mixtape called Compromise Chasers 4
also commonly referred to as Dream Chasers 4. (Produced by Henry Clay 1850).
7. The former slave turned famous abolitionist writer and singer Freddy D. has been working with
Johnny B. Goode deep down in Louisiana close to New Orleans and then went on tour way back
up in the woods among the evergreens. One group of fans loved the performance so much that they
Chuck[ed] Berry[ies] at them in admiration.
8. Charles Sumner is getting married very soon and he has nominated his best friend, and go-to caneman, Preston Brooks as best man. Hopefully they dont get into a fight during the bachelor party if
Charlie got too intoxicated and made a remark about a distant cousin of Mr. Prestons. That would be
an outright cane shame.
9. If you are a devout Kansan Christian we advise you to purchase the new Beecher Bible, it has been
said to be the Sharps(est) book on the market.
10. Popular Canadian singer JB, notorious for his songs Baby, As Long As You Love Me, and Boyfriend,
is holding a concert at Harpers Ferry! Many are excited, except for his rival singer William Quantrill
out West.
11. Hopefully all goes well tomorrow at the play President Lincoln is going to see, he managed to easily
a[Ford] the tickets even though they were sold out at the door, he had to purchase them down the road
at John Wilkes Ticket Booth.
12. A strange independent librarian named Gary Johnson has been asking around town trying to figure out
the answer to his question What is Aleppo? We here at the Times feel that he is referring to some
made-up mythological creature, but he would like for anyone with any information to come to Bobs
Barr and ask about a 2008 election, to signify that you have information. The Barr is located on Syria
Street in the Middle East district here in D.C.

3rd Six Weeks Crossword

Hints
Across
3. Sherman's Christmas present for the President
4. When people look at this word they think it looks like approximate,
also where Lee surrendered
5. This really blew Abraham Lincoln's mind at the theater
7. Battle of ____________ (the title held by Palpatine before he became
the Emperor)
9. A man surname that obviously was very civilly disobedient in his
childhood and now in adulthood (spelled fancy-like for effect)
10. John Brown's favorite institution
11. The result of the Confederacy's ingenious plan to print more money
when they ran out
Down
1. The term many people think means the same thing as secession
2. Where we will be relocated for class all next week
3. Something that no one really believes in
6. Lincoln's key to the South
8. Lincoln's initial public opinion on slavery

3rd Six Weeks Word Search

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ANTIETAM

GRANT

BUCHANAN

JOHNSON

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LEE

CONFEDERACY

LINCOLN

DAVIS

MCCLELLAN

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RECONSTRUCTION

EMANCIPATION

REPUBLICANS

FORDTHEATRE

RICHMOND

FORTSUMTER

STONEWALL

GETTYSBURG

UNION

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