#9 (57) september 2007

contents

cultperson

NEWS4U .......................................................................................4
CINEMA: Fun with Woody Allen......................................................5

CULTPERSON: Ninja ....................................................................8

PHENOMENON: Right Handedness.............................................10
The Meals series: Lunch .......................................................11
SCIENCE: Microbes - the Good They Do .....................................12

SCIENCE

RELATIONS: Dealing with Being Dumped....................................16

12

HEALTH: Working with idiots can kill you! ....................................18

FUN: A Stupid Persons Guide to Life...........................................19
JOKES: The Male/Female Stages Of Life ....................................20
LIFETIME: About Women.............................................................22

relations

HUMOR: Deja Vu Variants............................................................23

BUSINESS: Working Well With Others ........................................24

16

LANGUAGE: List of Portmanteau................................................26

ENTERTAINMENT: Mind Benders................................................28
QUIZ: Mythological Monsters Quiz ..............................................29

entertainment

LIFEUP: Blonde & Brunette Jokes ...............................................30

FICTION: Cassandra (by Cathy Kelly)..........................................32
NOtabene: .....................................36
GRAMMAR: Phrasal Verbs: To Run.............................................38

91029
2007

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9812 04.05.2005

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: (056) 788 22 08

. (056) 788 22 08
marketing@english4u.com.ua

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: www.English4U.com.ua

Thai cops punished by Hello Kitty

Police chiefs in Bangkok have come up with a

new way of punishing officers who break the rules
- an eye-catching Hello Kitty armband1.
The armband is large, bright pink and has a Hello
Kitty motif with two hearts embroidered2 on it.
From today, officers who are late, park in the wrong
place or commit other minor transgressions3 will
have to wear it for several days, reports the BBC.
The armband is designed to shame4 the wearer,
police officials said.
This is to help build discipline. We should not let
small offences go unnoticed, Police Colonel Pongpat Chayapan said.
Guilty officers will be made to wear the armbands in the office for a few days, with instructions not to disclose their offences. Let people guess what they have done, he said.
Further offences would be dealt with using a more traditional disciplinary panel5, he said.
The cartoon character Hello Kitty was first introduced by Japanese company Sanrio in 1974.
The cute round-faced cat has become an Asia-wide marketing phenomenon, with Hello Kitty products such as stationery, hair accessories and kitchen appliances available
across the region.

Rugby nearly cost fans 5m

Two rugby fanatics nearly lost out on a 5m lottery jackpot because they did not want to miss the
start of a match.
Paul and Denise Hardware had still not bought
a ticket for Saturdays draw6 minutes before Wales
kicked-off7 against Argentina.
Denise, 46, said: I left a note on the kitchen table reminding Paul to do the lottery but he didnt have time.
There were only a few minutes to go before the
match started on TV and I didnt want to miss it. It
was pouring with rain.
But it only took a few minutes to nip out and buy a ticket. Its the best thing Ive done.
Paul said: Denise wasnt happy having to go out in the rain but I had to be back at work.
If Id gone down there at a different time we probably wouldnt have got the numbers.
The 51-year-old pub chef revealed that a week earlier he saw a shooting star as he left
his snooker club and made a wish to win the lotto.
Ever since, Ive been in luck. I won 10 on the lottery on Wednesday and then I found a
10 note in the street, he said. Then, on Saturday, I hit the jackpot. I cant believe it.
The couple, from Street, Somerset, were handed their cheque for 4,986,272 by Wales
rugby legend Gareth Edwards on the pitch of the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff.

All the eights for baby Lulu

A baby was born in Liverpool at 8.08am on the

eighth day of the eighth month weighing 8lbs after
her mum endured eight hours of labour8.
Mel Byrne, 31, gave birth to Lulu with help from
Chinese-born midwife9 Bea Fung, who helped deliver10 eight babies that day, reports the Daily Mirror.
Mrs Fung said: In Chinese culture the number eight
is considered very lucky. I was watching the clock as
the birth approached and was counting the minutes
and she arrived at just the right time.
Straight away I told Mel and Pete their daugh-

ter was very lucky indeed.

Mrs Fung, who has been at Liverpool Womens Hospital for 33 years, added: The number
of eights linked to Lulu is incredible. I consider myself very lucky to have been there.
The couple, from Woolton, Liverpool, already have a two-year-old daughter, Maisy.
Photographer Peter, 30, said: Bea was very excited and kept telling us how lucky we were
and how lucky Lulu is.
I think I will be letting Lulu choose the lottery numbers as soon as she is old enough.
armband
[`Rmbxnd]
embroidered [Im`brOIdqd]
3
transgression [trxnz`greS(q)n]


4
to shame
[SeIm]
5
panel
[`pxn(q)l]
6
draw
[drL]
7
to kick off [kIk]
8
labour
[`leIbq]
9
midwife
[`mIdwaIf]
1
2

;
(, . .)
; ;
,

to deliver
[dI`lIvq]

smudge
[smAG]

stain
[steIn]

13
to fetch
[feC]
,

14
slab of concrete

15
spurt
[spWt]
,

16
pituitary gland [pI`tjHIt(q)rI`glxnd]
10
11

12

Smudge11 of Jesus sold

An oil stain 12 on a garage floor that
vaguely resembles the face of Jesus
has fetched 13 more than 750 in an
online auction.
Deb Serio found the image on her garage
floor in Forest, Virginia, and sold it on eBay
for $1,525.69, reports the Daily Telegraph.
Ms Serio, a high school teacher, said
she was surprised anyone wanted to buy
the oily slab of concrete14.
I really never thought Id get any (money), to be honest, she said.
She received hundreds of messages
from around the world from people interested in the smudge of Christ.
The family has now hired a contractor to
remove the section of concrete.
The slab will then be delivered to the
winner of the online auction, who is identified only as islandoffthecoast.
An active Lutheran, Ms Serio considers the smudge a slightly odd occurrence,
rather than a divine sign or miracle.
There are some people who need this
kind of thing to sort of start them on their
faith journey. I dont, she said.
Thats why I dont mind parting with it.

Giant leap for mankind

Chinese man Bao Xishun has lost his
title as the worlds tallest man to a Ukrainian who is EIGHT inches taller.
Leonid Stadnik, a 36-year-old vet from
the village of Podolanci in the Ukraine, is
now officially recognised by the Guinness
Book of Records.
Measuring eight feet and five inches he
has eclipsed the record previously held by
56-year-old Xishun.
Stadniks growth spurt15 started at
age 14 after a brain operation apparently
stimulated his pituitary gland16, which
produces the human growth hormone.
He had previously said he did not
want the title of the worlds tallest man
or to feature in the Guinness Book of
Records as a freak.
He said he was not proud of being so
tall and that it had brought him nothing but
problems, including having trouble finding
a girlfriend.
He has been declared an invalid by authorities after doctors said his huge height
is causing him serious health problems.

medium

llan Stewart Konigsberg,

a.k.a. Woody Allen, was
born in the Bronx on
December 1, 1935 to
Martin Konigsberg and
Nettie Cherry.
At the age of three he got
hooked on movies when his mother took him to see Snow White.
From that day the movie theaters
became his second home.
At his first year of school he
was put in an accelerated class
because of his high IQ. But he
hated school from day one and
became rebellious. He didnt do
his homework, was rude to the
teachers and sometimes disruptive2 in class. Surprisingly
he was very good in sports (basketball, stickball, football, baseball) in his early years and was
always among the first picked
in teams in the neighbourhood.
He also liked boxing and even
trained for several months until
his parents asked him to stop.
However, sports and movies
were not his only interests. He

Fun with

Woody Allen

In 1964, Woody entered the

film industry when he was hired
to do the screenplay Whats
New Pussycat.

His large body of work and cerebral film style, mixing satire, wit and humor, have
made him one of the most respected and prolific1 filmmakers in the modern era. Allen
writes and directs his movies and has also acted in the majority of them.
became obsessed with magic
and music; later characterising
elements in his movies. At the
age of fifteen he started playing the clarinet3 and he plays it
daily, ever since.
In 1952 Allan S. Konigsberg
changed his name to Woody Allen. He was sixteen and starting
to write jokes which he sent to
several of the major New York
newspapers hoping them to be
used by some of the gossip columnists. From that point on the
wheels started rolling for Woody
as a comedy writer.
After high school, he went to
New York University where he
studied communication and film,
but, never committed as a student,
he was thrown off his course due
to lack of punctuality and commitment. He later briefly attended
City College of New York.
In November 1958, Woody
began co-writing with Larry
Gelbart for The Chevy Show on
NBC. The show, starring the famous Sid Caesar, stayed on TV
for ten years. For several years,
Woody was reasonably content
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writing for TV, making $1,700

a week. But after seeing Mort
Sahl performing onstage, and
little by little losing interest in
writing TV, he decided to launch
a carrier of his own as a standup comedian.
In 1958, Woody met his future managers Charles H. Joffe
and Jack Rollins. Ever since,
theyve negotiated millions of
dollars worth of contracts on
his behalf with others but no
formal contract exists among
them, only a handshake. They

Early films
His first movie production
was Whats New, Pussycat? in
1965, for which he wrote the
convinced him to do his own initial screenplay. He was hired
material onstage.
by Warren Beatty to re-write a
Woody was a stand-up come- script, and to appear in a small
dian from 1960 to 1968. Allen part. Over the course of the returned his weaknesses into his write, Beattys part grew smaller
strengths, developing his neu- and Allens grew larger. Beatty
rotic, nervous, and intellectual was upset and quit the producpersona, becoming more popu- tion. Peter OToole was hired for
lar as such with every year that the Beatty role, and Peter Sellers
passed. In 1960 he only made was brought in as well; Sellers
$75 per week, but in 1964 he was was a big enough star to demand
an established comic in demand many of Woody Allens best
across the country, making $5000 lines/scenes, prompting hasty rea week, and appeared frequently writes. This experience with medin nightclubs and on television.
dling producers, egotistical stars,

Psychoanalysis

Allen spent at least 30 years undergoing psychoanalysis,

some three days a week. Many of his films contain a psychoanalysis scene.
Moment Magazine says it drove his self-absorbed work.
John Baxter, author of Woody Allen - A Biography, wrote
Like Catholic confession, Allens form of analysis let the
penitent go free to sin again, and that Allen obviously
found analysis stimulating, even exciting.
Allen says he ended his psychotherapy visits around the
time he began his relationship with Previn. He says he still
is claustrophobic and agoraphobic.


medium

and directors ruining jokes, along

with a similar experience on the
James Bond spoof Casino Royale (for which he did uncredited
rewrites of his own scenes), led
Allen to decide that the only way
filmmaking was worthwhile was if
he was in control of the film.
Allens first directorial effort was Whats Up, Tiger
Lily? (1966), in which an existing Japanese spy movie was
redubbed4 in English by Allen
and his friends with completely
new, comic dialogue.
1960s and 1970s
His first conventional effort
was Take The Money and Run
(1969), which was followed by
Bananas, Everything You Always
Wanted To Know About Sex (But
Were Afraid to Ask), Sleeper,
and Love and Death.
In 1972, he also starred in the
film version of Play It Again, Sam,
which was directed by Herbert
Ross. All of Allens early films
were pure comedies that relied
heavily on slapstick5, inventive
sight gags6, and non-stop oneliners7. Among the many notable influences on these films
are Bob Hope, Groucho Marx
and Humphrey Bogart. In 1976,
he starred in, but did not direct,
The Front (that task was handled
by Martin Ritt), a humorous and
poignant8 account of Hollywood
blacklisting9 during the 1950s.
Annie Hall marked a major
turn to more sophisticated humor and thoughtful drama. Annie
Hall set the standard for modern
romantic comedy, and also started a minor fashion trend with the
unique clothes worn by Diane
Keaton in the film (the offbeat10,
masculine clothing, such as ties
with cardigans, was actually
Keatons own). Allens working
title for Annie Hall was Anhedonia - which means the inability to
enjoy pleasure (the reverse11 of
hedonism). Allen, who once had
an ill-defined relationship with
Diane Keaton, was anxious to
remove the impression that the
film reflected his life with her. It
is said that the role was written
especially for her, and even the
title speaks to this as Diane Keatons given name is Diane Hall.
Her parents claimed that the
movie was 85% true, and Diane
herself found acting in the movie
emotionally embarrassing. The
film won the Oscar for being the
best movie 1977. Allen also won
the Oscar for the best direction.
At the ceremony, he didnt show
up to accept the statue. The media found out that he was playing
the clarinet at the Michels that


evening, as on all Monday evenings for decades. The explanation he gave in an interview with
Stig Bjorkman, was that he felt
competing in arts rediculous.
Manhattan, released in 1979,
is a black-and-white film that
can be viewed as an homage 12 to New York City, which
has been described as the true

main character of the movie.

As in many other Allen films,
the main characters are upper-class academics, literati13,
and occasional twits14. Even
though it makes fun of pretentious intellectuals, the story is
packed with obscure 15 references that make it less accessible to a general audience. The
love-hate opinion of cerebral 16
persons found in Manhattan is
characteristic of many of Allens
movies including Crimes and
Misdemeanors and Annie Hall.
Manhattan focuses on the complicated relationship between a
middle-aged Isaac Davis (Allen)
and a seventeen-year-old Tracy
(Mariel Hemingway) which
presages 17 Allens complicated
personal relationship with under-aged Soon-Yi Previn.
Between Annie Hall and Man-

hattan Allen wrote and directed

the gloomy drama Interiors
(1978), in the style of the late
Swedish director Ingmar Bergman, one of Allens major influences. Interiors is considered
by critics as a significant breakthrough past Allens earlier,
funnier comedies (a line from
1980s Stardust Memories.)

1980s
Allens 1980s films, even
the comedies, have somber
and philosophical undertones.
Some, like September and
Stardust Memories, are often
said to be heavily influenced by
the works of European directors, most notably Ingmar Bergprolific
disruptive
clarinet
4
to redub
5
slapstick
6
gag
7
one-liner

8
poignant
9
blacklisting
10
offbeat
11
reverse
12
homage
13
literati
14
twit
15
obscure
16
cerebral
1
2
3

[prq`lIfIk]
[dIs`rAptIv]
["klxrq`net]
[rI`dAb]
[`slxpstIk]
[gxg]
["wAn`laInq]

[`pOInjqnt]
[`blxk"lIstIN]
["Of`bJt]
[rJ`vWs]
[`hOmIG]
["lIt(q)`rRtJ]
[twIt]
[qb`skjuq]
[`serqbr(q)l]

man and Federico Fellini.

However, by the mid-1980s,
Allen had begun to combine
tragic and comic elements with
the release of such films as
Hannah and Her Sisters (winner
of three Academy Awards) and
Crimes and Misdemeanors, in
which he tells two different stories that connect at the end. He
also produced a vividly idiosyncratic 18 tragi-comical parody of
documentary, titled Zelig.
He also made three films
about show business. The
first movie is Broadway Danny
Rose, in which he plays a Hollywood manager; then, The
Purple Rose of Cairo, a movie
that shows the importance of
the cinema during the Depression though the character of
the naive Cecilia. Lastly, Allen
made Radio Days, which is a
film about the radio business
and how its crew became rich
and famous. Purple Rose was
named by Time Magazine as
one of the 100 best films of all
time, and Allen has described it
as one of his three best films,
along with Stardust Memories
and Match Point. (It is worth
noting that Allen defines them
as best not in terms of quality,
but because they came out the
closest to his original vision.)
Before the end of the eighties he made other movies that
were strongly inspired by Ingmar
Bergmans films. September is a
remake of Autumn Sonata, and
Allen uses many elements from
Persona in Another Woman.
1990s
His 1992 film Shadows and
Fog (1992) is a black and white
homage to German expressionists and features the music of
Kurt Weill. He then made his
critically acclaimed 19 drama
Husbands and Wives (1992)
which got two Oscar nominations Best Supporting Actress
for Judy Davis and Best Original Screenplay for Allen. His
film Manhattan Murder Mystery
(1993) combined suspense

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medium

with dark comedy, and starred

Diane Keaton, Alan Alda and
Anjelica Huston.
In the late 1990s he returned
to lighter movies, such as Bullets Over Broadway (1994),
which earned him an Academy
Award nomination for Best Director. The comedy Mighty
Aphrodite (1995), in which the
Greek and Roman tragedies
play a large role, won an Academy Award for Mira Sorvino. Allens 1999 jazz mockumentary
Sweet and Lowdown was also
nominated for two Academy
Awards for Sean Penn (Best Actor) and Samantha Morton (Best
Supporting Actress). In contrast
to these lighter movies, Allen
veered 20 scathingly 21 dark and
satirical towards the end of the
1990s with Deconstructing Harry (1997) and Celebrity (1998).
2000s
Small Time Crooks (2000)
was his first film with DreamWorks SKG studio and represented a change in direction:
Allen began giving more interviews and made an apparent
return to his strictly comedy
roots. Small Time Crooks was a
relative success, grossing over
$17 million domestically, but Allens next 4 films foundered at
the box office, including Allens
most expensive film to date,
The Curse of the Jade Scorpion
(with a budget of $33 million).
Hollywood Ending, Anything
Else, and Melinda and Melinda
were given rotten ratings from
film-review website Rotten Tomatoes and each earned less
than $5 million domestically.
Most critics agreed that Allens
films since 1999s Sweet and
Lowdown were subpar, and
some critics expressed concern
that Allens best years were
now behind him.
Match Point (2005) was one
of Allens most successful
films in the past ten years and
generally received very positive reviews. Set in London, it
starred Jonathan Rhys-Meyers
to presage
[`presIG]
idiosyncratic
["IdIqsIN`krxtIk]
to acclaim
[q`kleIm]
20
to veer
[vIq]
21
scathing
[`skeIDIN]
22
avaricious
["xvq`rISqs]
23
nettle
[netl]
24
alleged
[q`leG(q)d]

25
custody
[`kAstqdI]
26
inconclusive
["Inkqn`klHzIv]
27
to indict
[In`daIt]
28
fortuitous
[fL`tjHItqs]
39
to bow out
[bau]


30
scrutiny
[`skrHtInI]

17
18
19

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and Scarlett Johansson. It is

also markedly darker than Allens first four films under the
DreamWorks SKG banner.
Match Point earned more than
$23 million domestically (more
than any of his films in nearly
20 years) and earned over $62
million in international box office. Match Point earned Allen his first Academy Award
nomination since 1998 for Best
Writing, Original Screenplay
and directing and writing nominations at the Golden Globes,
his first Globe nominations
since 1987. In an interview
with Premiere Magazine, Allen
stated this was the best film he
has ever made.
Allen returned to London to film
Scoop, which also starred Johansson, as well as Hugh Jackman. The film received mixed
reviews. He has also filmed
Cassandras Dream in London
starring Colin Farrell, Ewan McGregor, and Tom Wilkinson and
it is expected to be released in
November 2007.
After finishing his third London film, Allen headed to Spain.
He reached an agreement to
film his current project in Barcelona, where shooting started
on July 9th 2007. The movie will
star international and Spanish
actors and actresses, including Scarlett Johansson, Javier
Bardem, Patricia Clarkson, and
Penlope Cruz.
Allen has said that he survives on the European market.
Audiences there have tended
to be more receptive to Allens
films, particularly France, a
country where he has a large
fan base. In the United States
things have changed a lot, and
its hard to make good small
films now, Allen said in a 2004
interview. The avaricious 22
studios couldnt care less about
good films - if they get a good
film theyre twice as happy, but
money-making films are their
goal. They only want these
$100 million pictures that make
$500 million.

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Relationships
Harlene Rosen
At age 19, Allen married 16-year-old Harlene Rosen. The marriage lasted five nettling23, unsettling years.
Louise Lasser
Allen later married Louise Lasser in 1966. Lasser would go on
to co-star with Allen in Take the Money and Run, in what began
a pattern of romantic involvement with his leading ladies. Allen
and Lasser divorced in 1969 and Allen did not marry again until
1997. Lasser starred in three Allen films after the divorce, Bananas, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But
Were Afraid to Ask), as well as a brief appearance in Stardust
Memories. Allen is alleged24 to have loosely based aspects of
the Harriet Harman character from Husbands and Wives (the
kamikaze woman) on his relationship with Lasser.
Diane Keaton
In 1970, Allen cast Diane Keaton in his Broadway play Play It
Again, Sam, which had a successful run. During this time she became romantically involved with Allen and appeared in a number
of his films. They never married, but Allen says that she was the
love of his life. She has not worked with Allen since Manhattan
Murder Mystery, although they are good friends.
Stacey Nelkin
The film Manhattan is said to have based on his romantic relationship with Nelkin. Her bit part in Annie Hall ended up on the
cutting room floor, and their relationship, though never publicly acknowledged by Allen, reportedly began when she was seventeen
years old and a student at New Yorks Stuyvesant High School.
Mia Farrow
Starting around 1980, Allen began a 12-year relationship with
actress Mia Farrow, who had leading roles in several of his movies from 1982 to 1992. Farrow and Allen never married, but they
adopted two children together: Dylan Farrow (who changed her
name to Eliza and is now known as Malone) and Moses Farrow
(now known as Misha); and had one biological child, Satchel Farrow (now known as Ronan Seamus Farrow). Allen did not adopt
any of Farrows other biological and adopted children, including Soon-Yi Farrow Previn (the adopted daughter of Farrow and
Andre Previn). Allen and Farrow separated in 1992 after Farrow
discovered nude photographs Allen had taken of Previn. In her
autobiography, What Falls Away (New York: Doubleday, 1997),
Farrow says Allen admitted to a relationship with Previn.
After Allen and Farrow separated, a long public legal battle for
the custody25 of their three children began. During the proceedings, Farrow alleged that Allen had sexually molested their adopted daughter Malone, who was then seven years old. The judge
eventually concluded that the sex abuse charges were inconclusive26, but called Allens conduct with Soon-Yi inappropriate.
The case never went to trial and Allen was never indicted27.
Farrow ultimately won the custody battle over their children. Allen was denied visitation rights with Malone and could only see
Ronan under supervision. Misha, who was then 14, chose not to
see his father.
In a 2005 Vanity Fair interview, Allen estimated that, despite the
scandals damage to his reputation, Farrows discovery of Allens attraction to Soon-Yi Previn, by accidentally finding nude photographs
of her, was just one of the fortuitous28 events, one of the great pieces of luck in my life. [...] It was a turning point for the better.
Of his relationship with Farrow, he said Im sure there are things
that I might have done differently. [...] Probably in retrospect I should
have bowed out29 of that relationship much earlier than I did.
Soon-Yi Previn
Shortly after separating from Farrow in 1992, Allen openly continued his relationship with Soon-Yi Previn, Farrows adopted daughter.
Even though Allen and Previn denied he was ever her stepfather,
the relationship drew much public and media scrutiny30. At the time,
Allen was 57 and Previn was 22.
Allen and Previn married in 1997. The couple later adopted two
daughters, naming them Bechet and Manzie after jazz musicians
Sidney Bechet and Manzie Johnson.


difficult
ut what, in fact, is a
Ninja? Aside from the
alleged 9 art of concealment 10 mentioned
in the James Bond
film, You Only Live
Twice, the martial arts 11 skills
and pizza-scarfing 12 exploits
of those damned turtles or the
balaclava 13-wearing (and thus
faceless) villains of the martial
arts scene, what is there to understanding this enigmatic and
compelling group?

Historical and Legendary Origins of Ninjutsu14

The Roots of Ninjutsu
Probably around 500-700AD,
Nonuse was developed in Japan. Translated as the art of
stealth 15, Nonuse was first
practised in mystic form as a
system of enlightenment and
self-improvement. Most sources

Ninja

The word Ninja 1 tends to conjure up 2 images either of black-clad 3 assassins 4 , mov- arts, while Ninpo is a term used
ing silently through the night to bring pointy death to their unsuspecting victims, or of an- for their philosophy.
thropomorphic 5 turtles beating the tar out of 6 confused villains 7 , who cant tell a reptile
The Rise of the Ninja
from an amphibian. Leaving the latter aside for a moment, the former image is perhaps the
It was with the rise of the milmost common, having been spread in a slew 8 of movies, cartoons, comics, and computer
itary class in the Heian period
games, especially in the late 1980s and early 90s.

consider the Nonuse of this period to have been a strictly nonviolent movement.
The lives of the Japanese
peasantry were probably never
all that pleasant, but over time
the imbalance of power between
lord and vassal grew, and the
feudal aristocracy became more
and more oppressive. Peasant
resistance to such oppression

would have of necessity been a

furtive16 affair, since the common folk lacked the training and
equipment of their enemies. As
a part of such resistance, practitioners of Nonuse began to use
their spiritual training to more
practical ends. For some, in particular the modern schools of reconstructed Ninjutsu, this Robin
Hood-type image is the one true

Legends, Rumours and Propaganda

The Wow Factor
The wow factor is something inherent33 in any esoteric study,
such as the martial arts, that involve dramatic displays inexplicable34 to the uninitiated35. This is best summed up by Arthur C
Clarkes famous statement, known as Clarkes Law, that says that
any sufficiently advanced technology would be indistinguishable
from magic. To a man who has never seen a television, it might
seem magical; but to us it is mundane36, because we know roughly
how it works, and because we are used to it. Likewise what to David
Copperfield is a clever tri ck is to his audience an act of magic, or at
least of spectacular illusion. It is also worth mentioning that the vast
majority of people dont know how most of their toys and gadgets
work. Their faith in technology is rather closer to a belief that they
work by magic than most of them might be comfortable with.
The martial arts possess a similar wow factor, in that they can
seem to allow people to do seemingly impossible things such as
break thick wooden planks or even bricks with their bare hands. In
fact, such things are quite simple; during a demonstration of karate,
the American television talk show host Jerry Springer was taught to
punch through a plank in less than a minute. However, even know-

perception of the Ninja.

The word Ninja only came
into use later, and is based on
the root nin, which is translated variously as perseverance 17, stealth, or patience,
depending on context; and the
Japanese kanji (ideographic
character 18) is also transliterated shinobi. Ninjutsu was
the collective term for the Ninja
fighting arts, the equivalent of
the Samurai Kenjutsu or sword

(794-1185) that the true Ninja

first began to appear. Following the Taika reforms in the
preceding Nara period (710794) a radical restructuring
of Japanese government and
administration, which included
the purchase and redistribution
of all land by the state - high
taxation forced many farmers
to sell their land and become
tenants 19 to wealthier landowners. These landowners then
began to hire Samurai* to pro-

ing that most martial arts are about the careful application of forces, it
does not stop it from being amazing that someone like Bruce Lee could
punch a man from a distance of just one inch and send him flying over
six feet backwards. It is incredible, and with no understanding of its
principles, it seems almost magical.
Ninjustu had - and has - a similar effect, although in the case of the
Ninja the wow factor it is almost as much about what is not seen as
what is seen. For example, a Samurai fortress37 might be seen as invulnerable38 to attack, because of the strength and height of its walls,
the skill and numbers of its defenders and so on. And to a Samurai,
such a fortress would be impregnable39, because the only way that
they could conceive of taking it would be to assault40 it with their own
armies. Thus, if a Ninja or group of Ninja were to enter the fortress by
stealth and kill the lord who commanded it, or destroy the defenders by
poisoning their water supply, this might seem incredible, even miraculous to the Samurai.
Reputation and Reality
Sherlock Holmes said that if you eliminate41 the impossible then
whatever remains, however improbable42, must be the truth. Such is the

difficult
tect their property, enforce their
rule, and increase their power,
while the lot of the peasantry
grew ever worse.
This is the time of the Ninja, as
perceived by the modern western mind, in as much as such
a creature ever existed. From
their peasant resistance roots,
the Ninja at some stage became
organised into families. Ninja
lore20 insists that the members
of these families trained in all
manner of martial arts and survival skills from childhood; but,
although this may be an exaggeration21, what seems certain
is that they became an effective
counterculture to the Samurai
families, who ruled the feudal
system, employing their art of
stealth along with effective guerilla22 tactics to combat the better equipped adversary 23.
These methods were considered cowardly by the Samurai, as they flew in the face of
the Bushido (warrior code),
by which the Samurai lived,
fought, and died. This accusation of cowardice, however,
is one levelled against almost
every guerilla fighting force
ever created, including American skirmishers 24 in the War
of Independence. For the Ninja, as for all these others, such
accusations were as water off
a ducks back when the alternative was having to confront
a superior enemy face to face.
Even if the Ninja did train from
childhood, so too did the Samurai, whose place in society was
not only predestined by birth,
but supported by the entire
feudal system. The Samurai of
the Heian period were, if not so
mighty as reported in later legend, certainly the finest warriors Japan had to offer. For the
Ninja, a stand-up fight would
have meant slaughter 25.

This is also the period of history in which the employment of

Ninja as spies, informants, and
assassins is first recorded, not
merely as a form of resistance
against the ruling elite, but also
as their agents in inter-clan disputes and warfare. Some claim
that this is propaganda, that
the official histories go to great
lengths to make the Ninja out to
be mercenary killers rather than
noble peasant heroes. The reconstructed school also blames
renegade Ninja for bringing
the art into disrepute26 by selling their skills in this way. It is
generally accepted however,
even by Ninja apologists, that
the Ninja clans of this period became involved in power politics;
and that they did on occasion
side with one or another of the
various Samurai clans.
The Fall of the Ninja
The Ninja arose with the
Samurai, but it would seem that
they rose too high. Pro-Ninja accounts tell that the Ninja families
attained a power as great as the
Samurai; but, as the Ninja clans
gained in political power, they
were increasingly perceived
as being more dangerous than
they were useful. Modern Ninja
lore tells that in the 17th Century the Ninja were all but annihilated 27 by their frightened
rivals 28 at great cost, the few
survivors going underground to
keep their arts alive in secret,
as countercultures and secret
societies are wont 29 to do. A
European comparison could be
drawn to The Templars 30.
Following the Meiji Restoration of 1868, the privileges of the
Samurai class were extended to
all Japanese and the carrying of
swords was outlawed, effectively marking the end of the military
class as a body distinct from the

human condition however, that the mind will tend to swiftly

eliminate the improbable and complicated, leaving nothing but the impossible yet elegant under consideration.
Consequently, if you knew that the walls were guarded,
the windows closed, the doors locked to start with, and
find them so again, yet with evidence that someone has
entered the building, the simple mental trap is to eliminate
the possibility of someone having crossed the wall, or entered by the door or window without breaking it.
If a Ninja has stolen something from within your
guarded chambers, then the Ninja must be able to become invisible. Or perhaps he can pass through walls,
or fly, or he simply spirited the item away by his magic.
If your son drops dead from no apparent cause, despite
your best efforts to protect him, then it must be an evil
spell. If your enemies know your plans they must have
access to some powerful magic. The idea that perhaps
the Ninja simply outwitted your guards, or bribed them,
or put poison in your sons food, or was listening, unobserved, to your planning sessions, might not occur to

www.english4u.com.ua

rest of the nation. With the reality a thing of the past, the Meiji
period saw the emergence of
the romanticized version of the
Samurai. As in Europe, the Age
of Chivalry 31 occurred some
time after the armoured knight 32
had ceased to be the ultimate
form of warrior. The Ninja, al-

ready ill-recorded in contemporary, official (Samurai) histories,

became further marginalised, as
all things Samurai - and especially Bushido - became admirable. Many histories are said to
refer to Ninja as Samurai whenever they have achieved something good.

ninja
[`nInGq]

to conjure up
[`kAnGq]

black-clad
[klxd]

4
assassin
[q`sxsIn]
,
5
anthropomorphic
["xn(t)Trq (u)pq`mLfIk]

6
to beat the tar out of smb.
-. ,
7
villain
[`vIlqn]
,
8
slew
[slH]
,
9
alleged
[q`leG(q)d]
( )
10
concealment
[kqn`sJlmqnt]

11
martial art
[`mRS(q)l]

12
to scarf
[skRf]
, ,
13
balaclava
["bxlq`klRvq]
( , ;

, , )
14
ninjitsu
[nIn`GIt`sH]
( )
15
stealth
[stelT]
,
16
furtive
[`fWtIv]
, ;
17
perseverance
["pWsI`vIqr(q)n(t)s] ,
18
ideographic character
, , ( ,

)
19
tenant
[`tenqnt]
, ;
20
lore
[lL]

21
exaggeration
[Ig"zxGq`reIS(q)n] ,
22
guerilla
[gq`rIlq]
;
23
adversary
[`xdvqs(q)rI]
, ,
24
skirmisher
[`skWmISq]

25
slaughter
[`slLtq]
() , ;
26
disrepute
["dIsrI`pjHt]
,
27
to annihilate
[q`naIqleIt]
; ;
28
rival
[`raIv(q)l]
; ;
29
wont
[wqunt]

30
Templar
[`templR]

31
chivalry
[`SIv(q)lrI]

32
knight
[naIt]

33
inherent
[In`her(q)nt]
,
34
inexplicable
["InIk`splIkqbl]
; ,
35
uninitiated
["AnI`nISIeItId]

36
mundane
[mAn`deIn]
,
37
fortress
[`fLtrqs]

38
invulnerable
[In`vAln(q)rqbl]

39
impregnable
[Im`pregnqbl]

40
to assault
[q`sLlt]
, ,
41
to eliminate
[I`lImIneIt]
,
42
improbable
[Im`prObqbl]
, ,
43
to abound
[q`baund]

44
to disabuse
["dIsq`bjHz]
;
45
to dissuade
[dI`sweId]
,
46
to tackle
[txkl]
, (, )
47
double-edged sword ["dAbl`eGd `sLd]

1
2
3

* Although the ruling class

of Japan for many centuries,
the word Samurai translates
roughly as those who serve.

you, being outside your experience.

Such stories about the Ninja abound43 in the
Samurai histories, and it is unlikely that the Ninja
would have done anything to disabuse44 outsiders of
any misconception. Quite aside from the fact that Ninpo contained a potent, mystical element which might
well have considered the skills of Ninjutsu to be in part
magical, a counterculture unable to survive a direct
conflict with their opposite numbers could only benefit from a fearsome reputation. If a single Ninja was
seen to be able to slay a hundred enemies, kill a man
with a touch or a breath, leap nine feet straight up, become invisible, walk through walls and across water,
and cut a Samurai down with his sword at a hundred
paces, it would certainly dissuade45 their enemies
from trying to tackle46 a whole family of them.
Of course, such exaggerated tales might also have
contributed to the Ninjas downfall, as fear of their
skills became too great to allow them to live. Reputations are double-edged swords47 after all.

Right

Handedness
ight-handedness is the tendency to use the right hand

for everyday activities such as writing. It is very com , mon, with about nine out of every ten people being
.
right-handed. Many people write with their right hand,
. including left-handers who have been forced to use
, , their right hand.
.
Unlike left-handers, there has been no cultural pressure for
, right-handers to use their wrong hand for activities such as ,
writing and eating. Right-handedness is usually considered .
good and normal, hence the expression of someones right- ,
hand man. There are many similar, although negative, expres- - .
sions using the left hand.
, .
The word right has positive connotations, which left
, does not. In English, right also means correct, and a right . is something that you are entitled to. In French droit also , ,
means something you are entitled to, as well as right 1 . The . droit ,
word dextrous comes from the Latin word dexter meaning , 1.
right. The roots of left are as sinister as the roots of right dextrous dexter
are positive.
. , Most right-handers are left brain hemisphere-dominant. It is .
thought that a few hook-wrist
ed 2 right-handers are right
A WORD OF WISDOM
hemisphere dominant, but no. ,
You cant teach an old dog new tricks
body knows for sure whether
, this is true or not.

Most equipment nowadays is designed for right-hand- 2, ,
ers, and is comfortable for the right-hander to use. The .
traditional European way of holding a knife and fork,
with the fork in the left and the knife in the right, is .
more comfortable for right-handers. English (and most ,
other European writing) goes from left to right, so right- , . ( handers can usually write without having smudging as a ) ,
problem 3 .
3.
Most right-handers will be taught how to form letters by other

right-handers, making it easy for them to see which way the , , .
letters go. Left-handers often have trouble and end up forming , , ,
letters backwards.
.
Probably one advantage left-handers have over right-handers
, ,
is the attention they receive. No-one makes a fuss over a right- .
hander, as right-handedness is common and ordinary.
, .

The opposite of left.

Hook-wristed people write with their wrist hooked around over what they
write. They are normally left-handers, who write that way to avoid smudging.
3
Unless they write messily with inky pens.

.
, , .
, , .
3
.

10

medium
rigin of the term
The abbreviation lunch,
in use from 1823, is
taken form the more
formal luncheon, which
the OED reports from
1580, as a word for a meal that
was inserted 1 between more
substantial 2 meals.
In medieval 3 England, there
are references to nuncheon, a
non hench according to OED, a
noon draught4 of ale 5, with
bread an extra meal between
midday dinner and supper, especially during the long hours
of hard labour during haying6
or early harvesting 7. In London,
by the 1730s and 40s, the up-

Lunch

During the eighteenth century what was originally called dinner a word still sometimes used to mean a noontime meal in the British Isles, and in parts of the United States, Canada and Australia was moved by stages later in
the day and came in the course of the nineteenth century to be eaten at night, replacing the light meal called supper,
which was delayed by the upper class to midnight.

per class were rising later and

dining at three or four in the afternoon, and by 1770 their dinner hour in London was four or
five (McMillan). A formal evening
meal, artificially lit by candles,
sometimes with entertainment,
was a supper party as late as
Regency times.
In the 19th century, male artisans 8 went home for a brief
dinner, where their wives fed
them, but as the workplace
was removed farther from
the home, working men took
to providing themselves with
something portable to eat at a
break in the schedule during
the middle of the day. In parts
of India a light, portable lunch
is known as tiffin.
Mrs Beetons Book of Household Management had much less
to explain about luncheon than
about dinners or ball suppers:
The remains of cold joints9,
nicely garnished10, a few sweets,
or a little hashed11 meat, poultry12
or game13, are the usual articles
placed on the table for luncheon,
with bread and cheese, biscuits,
butter, &c. If a substantial meal is
desired, rump-steaks14 or mutton chops15 may he served, as
also veal cutlets16, kidneys, or
any dish of that kind. In families
where there is a nursery, the
mistress of the house often partakes of the meal with the children, and makes it her luncheon.
In the summer, a few dishes of
fresh fruit should be added to the
luncheon, or, instead of this, a
compote of fruit or fruit tart17, or
pudding.
Mrs Beetons Book of
Household Management
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Practices
Lunch food varies. In some places, one eats similar things both
at lunch and at supper - a hot meal, sometimes with more than one
course. In other places, lunch is the main meal of the day, supper
being a smaller cold meal.
Many people eat lunch while at work or school. Employers and
schools usually provide a lunch break in the middle of the day, lasting as much as an hour. Some workplaces and schools provide cafeterias, often called canteens, where one can get a hot meal (in British schools female staff who serve lunch are often known as dinner
ladies, but never lunch ladies). In some work locations one can
easily go out to eat at a nearby restaurant. Where these conveniences are not available it may be
impractical to make lunch the main meal of the day. In these cases relatively simple foods might
be packed in a container, such as a bag or a lunchbox, and taken to work or school. The quintessential bag lunch in North America of the past has consisted of a sandwich and often a whole fruit
and either cookies or a candy bar. But now, the near-universal spread of the microwave oven to
the workplace since the 1980s has changed the nature of workers lunches considerably. Leftovers from home-cooked meals, frozen foods, and a huge variety of prepared foods needing only
reheating are now more common than the sandwich lunch.

Purpose
In addition to its primary purpose, lunch can function as a form of entertainment, especially on weekends; a particularly fancy or formal lunch can
be called a luncheon. Such lunches can be served at a restaurant, as a
buffet or potluck*, or as a sit-down feast. These events are very similar to
festive suppers. Lunch, both simple and fancy, often includes dessert.
Many nutritionists suggest that it is more appropriate to eat a large meal
at lunch than it is to do so at supper, just before going to sleep, when the
energy from the meal will not be properly used. An example of this style of
meal can be found in the German, Brazilian and Scandinavian diet, whose
lunch mostly is large and cooked (as opposed to, say, a sandwich).
* potluck - , ; potluck dinner / supper /
,
to insert
[In`sWt]
substantial
[sqb`stxn(t)S(q)l]

3
medieval
["medI`Jv(q)l]

4
draught
[drRft]
5
ale
[eIl]
6
haying
[`heIIN]
7
harvesting
[`hRvIstIN]
8
artisan
["RtI`zxn]
1
2

( ),
( )
,

,
,

,

joint
[GOInt]
to garnish
[`gRnIS]
11
to hash
[hxS]
12
poultry
[`pqultrI]
13
game
[geIm]
14
rump steak
["rAmp`steIk]
15
mutton chop [`mAt(q)nCOp]
16
veal cutlets [`vJlkAtlqt]
17
tart
[tRt]

9

10

()
, ()

, ,

( ,
)

11

difficult

heyre on your skin, in

your gut and under your
nails. The vegetables
in your garden cohabit
peacefully with them.
They dwell in the intestines1 of cows, exchanging
the ability to digest cellulose for
sanctuary2 from the cruel outdoors. In the air, on the land, even
in the harshest, most extreme
parts of the world where angels
fear to tread, they make up more
than two-thirds of the worlds biomass - and yet people are generally ignorant of their existence or,
at best, have thoroughly warped3
notions of the role they play in the
big drama of life.
We are, of course, talking
about micro-organisms.

What Are Micro-organisms?

To put things loosely, they
are living creatures that are

MICROBEs -

the Good They Do

too small to be seen by the

naked eye. The term microorganism covers two groups
of creatures:
Prokaryotes - organisms
with no nuclei4 in their cells,
which resemble ancestral microbes that crawled out of the
primordial5 soup. This group
includes bacteria and bluegreen algae (cyanobacteria).
The latter were in abundance
early in the history of the Earth,
covering most of its surface
with brightly coloured patches6
of purple, green, blue and red.
Eukaryotic micro-organisms - microscopic organisms
with true nucleated cells, such
as protoctists, algae and fungi. Humans, cows, plants and
every other living creature you
can see are also eukaryotes,
only they are macroscopic.
The role micro-organisms
play in the environment is enormous - indeed, the world could
not possibly last long in the absence of micro-organisms. It
is these creatures that are responsible for clearing away the
debris7 on the stage of life to
make way for new sets and new
props8, for generating and recycling most of the chemicals that
would otherwise be lost to the
ecosystem through biological
12

processes, even for promoting

the evolution that is so crucial
to life. It is highly unfortunate,
therefore, that the primary and
secondary education systems
have all but neglected them in
favour of the macroscopic minority - the plants and animals
that are more easily seen by
the casual observer.
But micro-organisms have
been here for millions of years,
before the first multicellular creature crawled out of the primordial
soup, and will probably be here

and satellites, back in a time

where the Earth was still burning off the heat of its creation
and geysers and volcanoes
gushed10 aplenty, there were
microbes. These were the descendants of the simple replicating machines that rose
out of the rich primordial soup
that covered most of the Earth
- strings of DNA11 or RNA12 in
small protective sheaths13 and
had discovered how to make
copies of themselves out of
the raw material from which

long after all other life has been

exhausted or extinguished9. It
is therefore time to put the importance of micro-organisms back
into perspective, and to acknowledge them for their positive contribution towards the continuity of
this thing we call life.

they themselves were made.

Centuries after Charles Darwin put forth his theory of evolution in On The Origin of Species, many people still reject
outright the notion that we,
superior beings of this world,
have ancestors as humble - as
lowly - as the tiny, blind, onecelled creatures who teemed
in the organic soup more than
three billion years ago. In
many cases it may be that we

Microbes and Planet Earth

Long before dinosaurs ruled
the world and man came forth
and built his concrete jungles

cannot imagine being related

to the microscopic lifeforms of
today, who lie ignored except
where they can be blamed for
everything from disease to destruction.
Yet the fact remains that
many of the structures in the
cells of multicellular entities 14
were, many millions of years
ago, independent life-forms
that had been engulfed 15 by
bigger primordial cells but
somehow managed to make
a living with them instead of
getting eaten. Later, these primordial cells came together by
accident and, where there was
mutual benefit, formed permanent unions. Specialisation
evolved 16 over time as different cells came together, with
tasks divided between them.
Eventually, they formed multicellular organisms, which grew
steadily more complex as they
adapted to their environment,
differentiating and evolving
into what we all are today.
Microbes and the Consumer Market
Mankind had learned to harness 17 the power of microbes
in the production of food long
before Anton van Leeuwenhoek gazed into his first crude
microscope. The relationship
between brewers 18 and yeast 19
began over 6,000 years ago in
Mesopotamia. Around 4,000

difficult

years later, people discovered fermented 20 curds 21 in

their milk pouches 22, and the
cheese industry was born.
Rome had a booming cheese
industry, as did European abbeys 23 later, most of which had
their own secret recipes.
Today, micro-organisms are
found at the heart of industry.
The versatile bakers yeast is
not only used in breadmaking,
but also in the production of
alcoholic drinks. Lactobacillus acidophilus is a common
name in the household - who
has not heard of it, as its name
appears in practically every
yoghurt commercial? Swiss
cheese would not be Swiss
cheese without the fermenting bacterium Propionibacterium, nor would blue cheese
and Roquefort have their pungent 24 smell and sharp taste
without Penicillium, a cousin of
the famous penicillin mould 25.
Vitamins, used as supplements for human food and animal feeds, are also produced
commercially using a host 26 of
bacteria, yeasts and fungi. Important food flavourings, such
as monosodium glutamate
(MSG) and the artificial sweetener aspartame, rely heavily
on the fermentation processes
of microbes such as brevibacteria. We would never have
had vinegar for our salads if
not for our famous bakers
yeast and a host of anaerobic
bacteria fermenting carbohydrates to acid. One microbes
waste is another mans food.
In the medical industry, genetically-modified bacteria are
engineered to carry the gene
for insulin, and to produce insulin in bulk for people with
insulin-dependent
diabetes.
The manufacture of otherwise
ludicrously expensive steroids
for treating autoimmune disease, alleviate 27 allergies and
treate skin diseases depends
heavily on micro-organisms to
transform chemical molecules.
Consider the steroid cortisone,
which is used to treat rheumatoid arthritis. This steroid can
be produced by non-biological
means in the laboratory, converting deoxycholic acid from
bile 28 by submitting the starting material to no less than 37
different chemical reactions to
produce the steroid. This incredibly tedious procedure had
a pathetic yield of 0.15%. The
alternative - extracting about
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100mg of the steroid from approximately 6,000 head of cattle - brought the price of the
drug to about $200 per gram in
the 1940s. Compare this with
the production using the mould
Rhizopus arrhizus, which requires only six steps to completion, and which brought the
price of cortisone down to $6
per gram in the late 1940s,
and to $0.46 by 1980.
Enzymes are catalysts of
most chemical and biochemical reactions. Synthesized
enzymes would be too costly
and impractical in the long run;
micro-organism-produced enzymes are used instead, being
far more useful because they
are a great deal more discriminating than chemical catalysts.
Microbial enzymes are added
to detergents to enhance their
power as stain-removers and
colour restorers. Others are
sold commercially and used to
ripen fruit for sale. Be it in the
textile or food industry, microbial enzymes are the key. And
after all, where would the cola
industry be if not for these microbes?
But micro-organisms are not
important in industry only as
producers and bioconverters.
The latest food fads 29 have
introduced a whole variety of
algae and fungi as food. Visit
any supermarket and you are
likely to come across cereal
drinks fortified with Spirulina
and Chlorella. Some armies,
being the thoroughly resourceful forces that they are, feed
Torula utilis to their soldiers
in bulk 30. These single-celled
protein foods may look unappealing, but many are nutritious and they are a very good
source of protein.
And of course, most of us
- and not just hobbits - love
mushrooms. It may surprise
some that the unmistakably
visible mushrooms are classified under the heading microorganisms. This is because
mushrooms are actually groups
of filamentous fungi that form
prominent, complex structures
called fruiting bodies, which
are largely responsible for the
fungis reproduction.
Microbes and the Magic
Bullet
Any decent microbiologist
will tell you that fungus on a
bacteria culture plate spells
nothing short of disaster. There

What Are Microbes?

A microbe is anything too small to be visible to the
naked eye. Two types of microbes are bacteria and viruses. Youre surrounded by microbes all the time, and
normally co-exist peacefully. Some types help you, like
the bacteria in your digestive tract that help break down
food. There are, however, some types of bacterium and
viruses that can make you ill.
Bacteria are single-celled organisms. There are
thousands of types of bacteria, and they live virtually
anywhere. Bacteria are much bigger than viruses. (But
theyre all way too small for you to see.) Bacteria are
much more complex than viruses. Bacteria have the
tools to reproduce themselves, by themselves. They are
filled with fluid, and may have threadlike structures to
move themselves, like a tail.
Virus. A virus may have a spiny outside layer, called
the envelope. Viruses have a core of genetic material,
but no way to reproduce it on their own. Viruses cannot
reproduce on their own. They infect cells and take over
their reproductive machinery to reproduce.
intestines
[In`testInz]
sanctuary [`sxN(k)CuqrI]
warped
[wLpt]
4
nuclei (pl. from nucleus)
5
primordial [praI`mLdIql]
6
patch
[pxC]
7
debris
[`deIbrJ]
8
props
[prOps]
9
to extinguish [ek`stINgwIS]
10
to gush
[gAS]
11
DNA = deoxyribonucleic acid
12
RNA = ribonucleic acid
13
sheath
[SJT]
14
entity
[`entItI]
15
to engulf [In`gAlf]
16
to evolve [I`vOlv]
17
to harness [`hRnIs]
18
brewer
[`brHq]
19
yeast
[jJst]
20
to ferment [fW`ment]
21
curd
[kWd]
22
pouch
[pauC]
23
abbey
[`xbI]
24
pungent
[`pAnG(q)nt]
25
mould
[mquld]
26
host
[hqust]
27
to alleviate [q`lJvIeIt]
28
bile
[baIl]
29
fad
[fxd]
30
in bulk
[bAlk]
31
dung
[dAN]
32
swelling
[`swelIN]
33
to impede [Im`pJd]
1
2
3

; ( . .)
;
;
; ,
;

,
;
,

,
, ;
,
; ( )

;
;
;
, ;

,
(, ) ;

, ;
; []
, ; ,

13

PICTURES
is no greater nightmare than
finding happy green patches of
mould where colonies of bacteria should be. Alexander Fleming may have felt the same
way in 1928, when he entered
his laboratory and found them
growing on his precious plate
of staphylococci. However, we
should be grateful that he was
calm enough to sit down and
observe them instead of tossing
the plate into the wastebasket
in cold fury - we would never
have had penicillin if he had!
Microbes had long since been
used in the medical field to treat
non-life-threatening conditions.
Medical records from China,
Egypt and Mesopotamia dating
from 1500 BC report the use
of mouldy and fermented substances from dung31 and soybean curd to treat superficial

ter more than 70 years of research, however, we now have

an enormous selection of antibiotics produced by a wide variety of micro-organisms ranging
from bacteria to fungi. Many of
these antibiotics have been engineered to target a wide range
of pathogens, and are many
times more potent than their
humble ancestor, penicillin.
Microbes in Biological Research
There is a relatively new
technology in the field of genetics
called
polymerase
chain reaction. It is, in a nutshell, a process of making copies of pre-existing DNA. The
original donor of the enzyme
that makes this technique possible is the humble laboratory
pet Escherichia coli, which has

a great deal more rapidly than

multicellular animals. This
enables researchers to get
many copies of a gene - or its
products - in a relatively short
period of time. This is how we
currently get insulin for people
with diabetes - by cloning the
gene manufacturing insulin
into bacteria, and letting them
do the dirty job of producing
this chemical for us. Many other micro-organisms have also
been engineered to be more
efficient in biotechnology - producing greater yields in the antibiotics industry, for instance.
The study of microbial genetics - again, possibly because
microbial reproduction and
multiplication happen so fast
- also enables scientists to understand gene function, which
is the basis of cell function and

Oil from Microbes

About the most popular commodity available today is petroleum. Not only is it the reliable source of energy that fuels most of our
vehicles, petroleum is also used as raw material in the plastics and synthetics industry.
Because everybody needs petroleum, countries that have large oil traps or reserves are
disgustingly rich.
Scientists are currently studying algae mats at
the bottom of permanently ice-covered lakes in
Antarctica in an attempt to understand how petroleum formation by microbes happens in nature. Who knows, maybe one day
when the mystery is solved we will have giant oil farms, where the large population
of workers will be mats of blue-green algae.
wounds and swelling32. However, back then, nobody knew
the real cause of infectious
diseases, and this prevented
the booming of the antibiotics industry. In 1874, Englishman William Roberts observed
that the growth of bacteria was
impeded33 by fungi and vice
versa. Later, Louis Pasteur and
Jules Francois Joubert noticed
that anthrax34 bacilli refused to
grow in the presence of mould.
It wasnt until after 1928,
however, that penicillin and
antibiosis were discovered.
Another 12 years or so elapsed
before Howard Florey and his
collaborators
successfully
purified penicillin and administered it to a desperately ill
police constable. This was the
beginning of the drugs reputation as the magic bullet.
Today, penicillin is no longer
as useful as it once was. Af14

a somewhat tarnished 35 reputation thanks to its insane mutant cousins, E coli, who have
killed many innocent people
who ate undercooked beef.
Micro-organisms are playing
an increasingly huge role in
biological research. Bacteria
have been engineered to carry genes of other organisms,
some of which are transferred
to the bacteria by speciallybred viruses. Hybrids are made
by coupling 36 fungi that possess a certain trait with those
that do not. New combinations
of genes are studied. These
may sound like hideously cruel
things to do to such benign 37
creatures, but it is a necessary
step to a greater understanding of genetics.
What is the use of playing
around with the genetic content of micro-organisms? For
one thing, microbes multiply

difficult

bly as many cells as there are

atoms in the universe. We are,
in a way, made of microbes.
But what is there to be afraid
of? They have been with us
from the moment we were born
- colonising our bodies within
the first 30 minutes of birth and they will be there when we
die, to take us apart into useful
chemicals to be re-circulated in
the environment. And we are
not the only ones living with micro-organisms. Every other living creature on the face of this
Earth shares its life with zillions
of microscopic neighbours.
The role microbes play as
symbionts of living creatures
is enormous. What once were
micro-organisms have through
time become integrated into
the cells of multicellular life
forms, becoming the powerhouses 38 of cells. Microbes
in our intestines help produce
certain
essential
vitamins
such as vitamin B12. Others
toil 39 in the guts of ruminant
animals 40, thus granting these
creatures the ability to derive 41 nutrition from grass and
other cellulose-containing material5. Bacteria such as Agrobacterium living in the nodules 42 of leguminous 43 plants
(eg, peas, beans and clover)
convert the otherwise inaccessible nitrogen from the air into
readily usable forms for plant
growth and construction of
new tissue. Fungi associ-

Without microbes life on Earth

would not be possible
the key to understanding why
a great many diseases - such
as cancer - happen. You may
argue that the microbes are
only playing a passive role in
these studies, but if not for
them we would still be in the
dark ages of medicine.
Microbes as Symbionts of
All Living Things, and Components of the Biogeochemical Cycle
We are not alone.
Every inch of every surface
of our body is covered with micro-organisms. Billions of them
thrive on our skin. Millions are
found elsewhere inside us,
predominantly inside our intestines. Everything around us
is similarly coated with proba-

ated with the roots of plants

in relationships called mycorrhizae encourage the growth
of plants by increasing absorption surface, reducing water
stress, gathering nutrients and
making the roots more resistant to infection.
Hosts of micro-organisms
attack freshly dead plants
and animals, reducing their
corpses to elements to be returned to the environment from
which they were born, making
grounds more fertile for growth
and giving other creatures the
necessary ingredients for getting on with life. This is the basis of composting 44, which harnesses the power of microbes
to degrade organic matter into
fertile plant stuff. Micro-organ-

difficult

isms involved in the phosphate

cycle and various other chemical cycles ensure that the soil
is rich in chemicals for plant
growth. Micro-organisms living
on the surfaces of our bodies
and those of other living things
confer 45 protection by playing
an active role in encouraging
the maturation of our immune
system, and denying diseasecausing microbes the foothold
they need to colonise our bodies and do damage.
In fact, micro-organisms
have become such an important part of all our lives that to
remove them would spell imminent death for us.
Microbes as Producers
of Oil
Most of us are taught in
school that petroleum is formed
over the course of many million
years deep within the earths
crust, where the high temperatures and pressure shaped
and altered organic material
into the slick black substance
that is so prized in the world
today. However, most of our
teachers probably never told
us that micro-organisms were
very deeply involved in the
making of oil, or even mentioned them in passing.
Among those microbes involved in the formation of oil
are stromatolites, which are
mats of filamentous blue-green
algae. The largest known deposits of oil shale 46 in the world
- the Green River Formation in
Colorado-Wyoming, USA - harbours an abundance of their
fossil remains, dating back to
about 3,000 million years ago.
These humble micro-organisms supplied the fats that
would over time be converted
into the hydrocarbons comprising crude oil47. Scientists have
established
that
microbes
were the workforce behind the
production of oil, but are still
unsure of exactly how.
If the exact process of petroleum synthesis by microbes is
unknown, the role of microbes
in facilitating recovery of oil is
an established fact. Some micro-organisms produce carbon
dioxide gas, which propels oils
upwards from otherwise exhausted wells. Xanthan gum
produced by Xanthomonas
campestri is also highly useful in loosening oil that stubbornly clings to underground
rock particles.
www.english4u.com.ua

Microbes as Mediators of
Decomposition and Bioremediation
Recently, Singapores decision to stop relying on water
supplies from Malaysia and
to recycle their own waste
water 48 has provoked scepticism and derision 49 from the
South-east Asian community.
It is certainly not the first
country to take up the initiative, nor will it be the last. And
despite jokes of finding corn
in Singaporean water, we
must acknowledge the fact
that they are harnessing the
powers of micro-organisms in
bioremediation.
Brock Biology of Microorganisms defines waste waters as:
...materials derived from domestic sewage 50 or industrial
effluents 51...
Most of us just tend to think of
it as, er, excrement cocktail.
Whatever we may call it,

Cambridge, who observed

that microbes in a river that
had been contaminated with
effluent from a sugar-beet factory were digesting enormous
quantities of the waste, mainly
into gases. She later collaborated with LH Stickland to
demonstrate that these gasproducing bacteria were producing an enzyme that somehow activated hydrogen. It is
now known that this family of
enzymes, called hydrogenases, catalyse a wide range of
processes accompanied by
the evolution or consumption
of hydrogen, and that such
activities are important in recycling organic matter in the
environment. These hydrogenase-producing bacteria are
highly valuable scavengers
in the ecosystem because of
their incredible contribution
to bioremediation, breaking
down organic matter to safer

A WORD OF WISDOM
One enemy is too many and a hundred friends arent enough
waste water is a problem. Because of public health, recreational, economic and aesthetic
considerations, it is in highly
bad taste to merely dispose52 of
waste water into natural water
systems without first processing them. You do not want your
drinking water to taste of sewage. You do not want to get food
poisoning because your water
supply is contaminated53 with
human waste.
This is where microbes come
in, accepting this horrendously
gross cocktail of waste and
breaking down the organic
substances into simple ones,
turning crud54 into water that is
pure enough to be released into
rivers or channelled into tanks
for chlorination before it once
again becomes drinking water.
The complex organic chemicals
are themselves recycled and
returned to the environment in
the form of ammonia, carbon
dioxide and nitrate, and perhaps a variety of other gases.
What is left of the organic compounds is a solid residue that is
sold off as fertilizer.
The role of micro-organisms as bioremediators was
discovered in the early 1930s
by Marjory Stephenson, a researcher at the University of

substances.
And then consider the case
of the Arabian Gulf, into which
was poured 500,000 tonnes
of crude oil in 1990. Panicking ecologists and the media
foresaw the mass obliteration 55 of life forms in the region. But they were wrong. By
the end of 1992, blue-green
mats of microbes embedded
in mucilage 56 had sprung up
all over the oiled intertidal areas of the Gulf, the first signs
of self-cleansing. Each gram
of a cyanobacteria mat contains up to a million cells of
bacteria capable of digesting
anthrax
[`xnTrxks]
to tarnish
[`tRnIS]
36
to couple
[`kApl]
37
benign
[bI`naIn]
38
powerhouse
[`pauqhaus]
39
to toil
[tOIl]

40
ruminant animal [`rHmInqnt]
41
to derive
[dI`raIv]
42
nodule
[`nOdjHl]
43
leguminous
[lI`gjHmInqs]
44
to compost
[`kOmpOst]
45
to confer
[kqn`fW]
46
oil shale
[SeIl]
47
crude oil
[krHd]
48
waste water
49
derision
[dI`rIZ(q)n]
50
domestic sewage [`sHIG]
51
industrial effluent [`efluqnt]
52
to dispose
[dIs`pquz]
53
contaminated
[kqn`txmIneItId]
54
crud
[krAd]
55
obliteration
[q"blIt(q)reIS(q)n]
56
mucilage
[`mjHsIlIG]
57
to gobble
[gObl]
34
35

oil. Although it is doubtful that

cyanobacteria can themselves
degrade oil, they are useful
nevertheless because they
provide the oil-gobbling 57
bacteria with both oxygen and
protection from being washed
away into the open sea. Two
researchers conducting studies in Nigeria in 1993 also described an oil-utilising fungus,
Aspergillus niger. Studies carried out in the Lagos Lagoon
have also shown that a variety
of bacteria, including Micrococcus and Pseudomonas,
have been responsible for
cleaning up the waters following repeated spillages.
Being neither capable nor
willing of cleaning up large
messes, we should thus be
grateful that there are such
microbial consortia around to
do our dirty jobs for us.
Lets Hear it for the Good
Guys
When the word microbes
is mentioned, people have the
tendency to think of damage
and disease, yet science and
nature have shown us that,
without these micro-organisms, life on Earth would not
be possible. While it may be
true that there are some micro-organisms that are capable of making life miserable
for us all, the fact remains that
the majority of micro-organisms are benign, or do us a
great deal of good by colouring our world and making life
more interesting. Therefore it
is time for us to stop putting
the blame on micro-organisms
for every detriment that occurs, and accept the multitude
of good ones as symbionts in
our lives, in a world that is too
big for us alone.

;
, ,
,
,
,
(-.);


,
;
;
,
,

,

,
-

, ;
,

();
, ;

15

medium
magine the scenario:
youre sitting in the
chair of doom2 live on
a daytime TV chatshow.
The hostess3 asks you
sensitively: So, have
you any idea why youre here?.
You shrug4 and look nervous.
As your other half enters the
set5, the bile6 rises to the back
of your throat, while a leaden7
weight falls to the bottom of
your stomach. With dread, your
mouth goes dry, your ears start
to buzz, as you hear the words
You know I love you. Ill always
love you. But Im not in love with
you. Oh the irony. You think: If
you love me, or have even the
tiniest speck8 of human respect
for me, why, why, why did you

Dealing witH

Being Dumped
have to dump me in front of an
audience of millions, then?
Being dumped is never nice
or, indeed, dignified9. Even
if you wanted to break up with
someone anyway, youll feel irritated that you didnt get round
to doing it first.
Below is just some of the excellent advice on dealing with
being dumped....

Seeking Comfort
Perhaps this isnt a manly man
solution towards recovery, but it
does work. Assuming youre a
guy whos been dumped by the
fairer sex, seek out any female
friends you might have and talk
with them about it. Dont hit on
them or look for a rebound10
(though that may happen if
theyve been waiting for you to
turn single). Women folk usually enjoy talking about relationships and sharing some of your
thoughts about the break-up with
a neutral party can make understanding and getting past the
whole thing much faster.
Talking to people can only be
a positive thing, as it helps you
come to terms with11 the way
you feel, it makes you realise that
youre not alone, and it puts you in
touch with your emotions.
You can find yourself feeling
that perhaps youve failed in
some way, if a once-strong relationship breaks down. Having
people there to help you through
it, can be of some comfort, knowing that there are people who
care for you, and want to help
you move on.
16

Aunt Marys Purge12 and Pamper13 Method

Theres nothing like good advice from our elders and betters
and the following fool-proof14
method from one girls Aunty Mary
is sound advice indeed.
Once when I was dumped
rather hideously by a man who
lived across the street from me
(so I could see his new girlfriends
car sitting outside his apartment
every night), I was given some
excellent advice by a very wise
aunt. It worked for me, maybe
it will work for someone else as
well. I think of it as Aunt Marys
Purge and Pamper Method.
1. Get a hair cut - a really good

4. Buy yourself some flowers.

Nice ones. Keep them someplace
you can see them. This applies to
the boys too!
5. You are allowed to cry. You
are actually required to cry. Find a
big, fluffy blanket to wrap yourself
in while you do.
6. Write a letter telling the person who dumped you exactly what
you think of him/her, including all
of the memories you have and all
the hopes you once had. Then
burn it ritualistically.
Again, this worked for me
- along with some really great
friends who were around to take
me out and remind me that I was,
in fact, whole.

the only way to maintain your dignity (do not fall prey to17 being
petty18 and vindictive - exercise
maturity and restraint19), and at
the same time prove to yourself
that you have the strength to exist
independently. Not easy, but very
important.
The lets stay friends line really is a load of old baloney20 for
many who fall into the most recently dumped category. It hurts
a lot more if youve been dumped
to stay in touch and try to have a
normal conversation when that
intimacy is gone. Not to mention
the torture you go through hearing
about all the dating or whatever
theyre doing while youre trying
to recover. The best thing to do is
to cut off contact for a few months
while you find your feet again.
Hear, Hear! The best reply to

The key things to staying friends are:

Dont be malicious22.
Dont say the unforgivable, unsayable thing.
Recognize that the other person is in pain, and that
you have probably caused a lot of that pain.
Have no expectation of getting back together again.
Dont be jealous of new partners, it isnt worth it.
And some people just are not worth staying friends
with. But if you are a good picker, then it can be worth it.
one at the nicest salon you can
afford.
2. Go through your house and
clean the hell out of it. Throw out
anything you havent used in donkeys years, anything too evocative15 of the dead relationship, and
anything of his/hers. If you cant
bear to throw something out - put
it in deep, deep storage.
3. If you have any broken appliance or anything that needs repair,
get it fixed or throw it out.

Staying in Touch
If you feel comfortable with it, talk
to the ex - but not right away. Weve
all seen the couples who broke up
and are still seeing, talking to, and
sleeping with each other. It doesnt
do anyone any good - you need a
sense of a clean break at first, to
regain your independence, and put
them out of mind.
Its important to grieve16 and
then make a clean break of it. If
they didnt want you, let go! Its

that old chestnut21 is Lets not.

The line lets stay friends often
translates into I really dont want
to feel guilty about this, so help me
out here.
But on the other hand, the people you go out with are usually the
people who you share most with,
and become your best friends.
Throwing that away every time a
relationship breaks up means you
lose a lot of friends. Often you
might find yourself staying friends

medium
with the person in the end anyway
(give it a while).
Staying in touch depends on
whether you were treated respectfully during the dumping process or
not. If they cheated on you or lined
someone else up under your nose,
then no, you certainly shouldnt be
friends, because people worth being friends with wouldnt do that.
If they honestly and respectfully
told you that they didnt have feelings for you, and give you time to
adjust, then friendship is possible.
But still often difficult, especially
when the dumper finds new love
before the dumpee.
Public Displays of Affection
One of the more difficult things
for a recent dumpee or, (depending on the person) anyone single,
is seeing couples together. Should
couples learn to keep PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) hidden,
for private moments, to save the
rest of us? Or should they be allowed to express their love?
On my way home from work I
walk through a park that during the
summer months is full of couples
cuddling23 (on one memorable day
doing far more than cuddling, they
could have been arrested!). Now
Im recently out of a relationship,
and I find this a real gauntlet24 (Ive
learnt to stare at the floor).
Play the Blues
Gettin dumped sure aint easy.
Self-pity for a while is OK, its
even an important psychological
mechanism. Crying is OK, and
for some the blues evokes the
right mood if you know how to
play an instrument.
Ahh... the comforts of an instrument, the whining sound of a guitar,
the jagged sound of a saxophone,
the fading tones of a trumpet.
Theyll get you out of it in no time.
On Blokes and Ballet
The following advice comes
from Cynthia Heimels brilliant
book Sex Tips for Girls, its probably only valid for girls... but there
must be an equivalent for men.
When youve been dumped
and your heart is breaking, imagine your ex bloke in a tutu25. And
ballet shoes.
It helps.
Extremes
Below are two Researcher examples of how they went to extremes to get over the pain of being dumped. Read on so you can
learn from others experiences...
Dont Go Nuts
Indeed, dont do it. I got dumped
badly the first time about six years
ago and hit the bottle26 big time,
www.english4u.com.ua

kept doing the Stalker27 routine

and just happening to turn up
everywhere she was. There followed a few revenge28 relationships with some poor unfortunate
girls, and the whole sorry affair
included my waking up in hospital
many times (most impressively for
having somehow fallen off a cliff,
still dont know how I did that).
Anyhow, I finally sorted29 myself
out when I met someone else that
I actually liked two years and an
amazing amount of money, alcohol and drugs later.
So I said to myself, this time,
no acting like a moron if it goes
pear-shaped again. And guess
what, three years later I get
dumped again, but this time I
avoided doing the whole alcoholic/junky thing and instead
went completely nuts without either. The stalker routine returned
again (really, dont ever do this,
nobody finds it attractive, it is
strictly for the clinically insane)
and so on and so forth, until the
nice doctors told me I really was
insane this time. Oh dear. Still, a
year and a half and many happy
pills later I am once again perfectly human, and not in the least
psychotic, manically depressed
or paranoid. And Ive got the bit
of paper to prove it. Once again I
must stress dont do this - ever!
Get Out There and Knock em
Dead, Kid!
I got dumped by somebody I
loved very much about six years
ago (a childhood sweetheart who
I bumped into again after several
years). First off, I hit the whisky
- cost me a degree and several
thousand pounds.
Then, I realised that this wasnt
the way forward, so (and Im sure
many of you will disagree), I went
out and had lots of meaningless
sex. Felt much better about myself - realised Im not such an ugly
chap, and moved on.
Starting Over
It can take a long time to get
over the break-up of any serious relationship, but how long
should you wait before starting
another and/or how long will the
pain and heartache last?
As a general rule of thumb, give
yourself two months to recover
for every year of the relationship.
If your relationship lasted three
years, then thats six months
needed to recover sufficiently to
begin serious dating again.
I only wish my partner had taken this advice before we started
dating. We had a rocky first year.
Fortunately, we are still together
after three years and are still very
much in love.

A Heartwarming Story about Staying in Touch

Staying friends is hard. Youll never manage it in the same

way again. But it is possible. It takes time, space, and friends
who dont take sides. I am godmother to the daughter of one of
the guys who dumped me.
I still trust my ex enough to ask him to sign an enduring power
of attorney30 alongside my sister. This means that they would have
joint control of my affairs if anything happens to me that I cant control them myself. In fact I trust him more than her in this case.
We arent close friends. But after five years of hard work, it
feels like I have gained a brother. And I am likely to see the third
ex next weekend. So it can be done. And the biggest advantage
is that you retain joint custody31 of your other friends.
It is tough though. And it requires massive amounts of self control,
and a lot of time.

... and One that Will Send Shivers down your Spine

I think people who stay in touch with ex-lovers have ulterior

motives, as has already been said.
One ex (last year) dumped me, then three months later asked
me out for a meal. I was eating and chatting about nothing when
he suddenly announced that he wanted us to get back together.
Dumfounded32, I agreed.
It turned out hed been turned down for finance and he wanted
a computer. I signed the finance papers. Then he started meeting
women off the Internet and I found out he was spending weekends with a woman in Leicester, so I dumped him.
If you get dumped, its probably a good thing to get some distance. Perhaps in time you can go back and be friends, but not
right then, and not right there, because it isnt fair to either of you.
Its also completely unfair to ask someone - anyone - to take that
kind of rejection and just get over it, anyone who expects it should
not be considered much of a friend.
to dump
[dAmp]

doom
[dHm]
, ,
hostess
[`hqustIs]

4
to shrug
[SrAg]
()
5
set
[set]

6
bile
[baIl]

7
leaden
[`led(q)n]

8
speck
[spek]
,
9
dignified
[`dIgnIfaId]

10
rebound
[`rJbaund]
; ;
11
to come to terms (with smth.) -.; -
12
purge
[pWG]
;
13
to pamper
[`pxmpq]
, ,
14
foolproof
[`fHlprHf]
;
15
evocative
[I`vOkqtIv]

16
to grieve
[grJv]
,
17
to fall prey to smth. [preI]
-.
18
petty
[`petI]
; ,
19
restraint
[rI`streInt]

20
baloney
[bq`lqunI]
, , , ,
21
chestnut
[`CesnAt]
,
22
malicious
[mq`lISqs]
,
23
to cuddle
[`kAdl]

24
gauntlet
[`gLntlIt]
; ; (challenge);


( )
25
tutu
[`tHtH]
()
26
to hit the bottle

/
27
stalker
[`stLkq]

28
revenge
[rI`venG]

29
to sort out
[sLt]
()
30
power of attorney ["pauqrqvq`tWnI]
31
custody
[`kAstqdI]
; , ;
32
to dumbfound
[dAm`faund]
, ,
1
2
3

17

easy

diots in the office are just as hazardous 1 to your health as cigarettes, caffeine or greasy food, an eye-opening new study reveals.
In fact, those dopes 2 can kill you! Stress is one of the top causes
of heart attacks and working with stupid people
on a daily basis is one of the deadliest forms of
stress, according to researchers at Swedens
Lindbergh University Medical Centre.
The author of the study, Dr Dagmar Andersson, says her
team studied 500 heart attack patients, and were puzzled to find 62
percent had relatively few of the physical risk factors commonly blamed
for heart attacks.
Then we questioned them about lifestyle habits, and almost all of
these low-risk patients told us they worked with people so stupid they
can barely find their way from the park-

WOrking with

can kill you!

ing lot to their office. And their heart attack came less than 12 hours after having a major confrontation with one of
these oafs 3.
One woman had to be rushed to the
hospital after her assistant shredded4 important company tax documents instead of
copying them. A man told us he collapsed
right at his desk because the woman at the
next cubicle kept asking him for correction
fluid for her computer monitor.
You can cut back on smoking or improve your diet, Dr Andersson says,
but most people have very poor coping 5
skills when it comes to stupidity they

Quotes About Stupidity

There is more stupidity
than hydrogen8 in the universe and it has a longer
shelf life.
- Frank Zappa
Be careful to whom you
distribute clues9. The last
thing anyone needs is a
more effective idiot.
- Anonymous

If you say something stupid and

no one disagrees, then you know
that youre the boss.
feel theres nothing they can do about it,
so they just internalize 6 their frustration
until they finally explode.
Stupid co-workers can also double
or triple someones work load, she explains. Many of our subjects feel sorry
for the drooling 7 idiots they work with,
so they try to cover them by fixing their
mistakes. One poor woman spent a
week rebuilding client records because
a clerk put them all in the recycle bin of
her computer and then emptied it she
thought it meant the records would be
recycled and used again.
hazardous [`hxzqdqs]
,
dope
[dqup]
,
oaf
[quf]
, ,
4
to shred
[Sred]



( )
5
coping
[`kqupIN]
,
6
to internalize [In`tWn(q)laIz] ,
7
to drool
[drHl]

8
hydrogen
[`haIdrqGqn]
9
clue
[klH]
( -.)
10
loathing
[`lquDIN]
;
11
to imply
[Im`plaI]
, ;
12
crook
[kruk]
,
13
conscientious ["kOn(t)SI`en(t)Sqs] ,
14
to ridicule [`rIdIkjHl]

15
clear-cut
["klIq`kAt]
;
16
to encounter [In`kauntq]
()
1
2
3

18

The greatest danger

could be your stupidity.
- Chinese fortune cookie
Not all men are stupid,
some are still single.
- Unknown

The great thing about

democracy is that it gives
Im not intending to im- every voter a chance to do
ply11 insult or judgment here something stupid.
Art Spander
but I am curious to know in
order to be able to respond
to your posts in an appropri- To be too dissatisfied with
ate manner, so please for- ourselves is a weakness.
give what appears to be, but To be too satisfied with ourin fact is not intended as, an selves is a stupidity.
Magdeleine Sable
insulting question: Are you
(French patroness of letters)
stupid?
- Melinda Shore
The wise are instructed
We dont catch crooks12 by reason, average minds
because were so smart. We by experience, the stupid by
catch them because theyre necessity and the brute by
instinct.
so stupid.
Cicero
- Murphys Laws of Law
Roman orator, statesman,
Enforcement
philosopher & writer
Success in almost any
field depends more on ener- The height of stupidity is
gy and drive than it does on most clearly demonstrated
intelligence. This explains by the individual who ridiwhy we have so many stu- cules14 something he knows
nothing about.
pid leaders.
Albert Einstein
Sloan Wilson

To forget ones purpose is

Did you eat an extra bowl the commonest form of stuof stupid this morning?
pidity.
- Maxine
Friedrich Nietzsche
(Cartoon character)
Men are born ignorant, not
God purposefully made stupid. They are made stupid
stupid people. Every- by education.
body needs something to
Bertrand Russell
laugh at.
- LT Ebner, USAF
Nothing in the world is more
dangerous than sincere ignoMy loathings10 are sim- rance and conscientious13
ple: stupidity, oppression, stupidity.
crime, cruelty, soft music.
Martin Luther King Jr
- Vladimir Nabokov
It is stupidity rather than
The sum of the intelligence courage to refuse to recogon the planet is a constant; nize danger when it is close
the population is growing. upon you.
- Cole
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

The genius of you Americans is that you never

make clear-cut 15 stupid
moves, only complicated
stupid moves which make
us wonder at the possibility that there may be
something to them we are
missing.
Gamel Abdel Nasser
I am so stupid that I
cannot understand philosophy; the antithesis of
this is that philosophy is
so clever that it cannot
comprehend my stupidity.
These antitheses are mediated in a higher unity; in
our common stupidity.
Soren Kierkegaard

t
Don

ave
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elf.

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y
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whipp at pocke
tickin rds, pres
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age DRINK
17
25
35
48
66

beer
vodka
scotch
double scotch
Maalox

age FAVORITE FANTASY

17
25
35
48
66

getting to third
airplane sex
menage a trois
taking the company public
Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

age DEFINITION

age SEDUCTION LINE

17
25
35
48
66

My
My
My
My
My

parents are away for the weekend

girlfriend is away for the weekend
fiancee is away for the weekend
wife is away for the weekend
second wife is dead

age HOUSE PET

17
25
35
48
66

roaches
stoned-out college roommate
German Shepherd
children from his first marriage
Barbi

17
25
35
48
66

A SUCCESSFUL
tongue
breakfast
She didnt set bac
I didnt have to me
Got home alive

age WHATS THE

17 25
TO GET

25
35
48
66

35
48
66
17

The

age DRINK
17
25
35
48
66

Need
Need
Need
Need
Need

to
to
to
to
to

wash my hair
wash and condition my hair
colour my hair
have Francois colour my hair
have Francois colour my wig

age IDEAL DATE

17
25
35
48
66
20

O
s
e
g
a
St

Wine Coolers
White wine
Red wine
Dom Perignon
Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

age EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17
25
35
48
66

e
F
/
e
Mal f

He
He
He
He
He

offers to pay
pays
cooks breakfast the next morning
cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
can chew breakfast

age FAVORITE SPORT

17
25
35
48
66

shopping
shopping
shopping
shopping
shopping

age WHATS THE IDEAL AGE

17 17
TO GET MARRIED?

25
35
48
66

25
35
48
66

OF

SUCCESSFUL DATE

age FAVORITE SPORT

ck my therapy
eet her kids

17
25
35
48
66

sex
sex
sex
sex
napping

THE IDEAL AGE

GET MARRIED?

e
l
a
m
e

f Life

age FAVORITE FANTASY

17
25
35
48
66

tall, dark and handsome

tall, dark and handsome with money
tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
a man with hair
a man

age DEFINITION OF
17
25
35
48
66

Burger King A SUCCESSFUL

Free meal
A diamond
A bigger diamond
Home Alone

DATE

age HOUSE PET

17
25
35
48
66

Muffy the cat

Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs MufFY the Cat

21

 Women especially love a bargain. The question of

need is irrelevant, so dont bother pointing it out.
Anything on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Dont question
the racks of clothes in the closet; you just dont understand.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than
they are. Thats why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type
shows are so successful.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, Its there in the Bible. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam
the apple?
Women dont need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more
physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the
man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

Women dont understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows
them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible
things could be.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, hell pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some
things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip shell pack 21 outfits because she doesnt
know what shell feel like wearing each day.

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which
warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed
on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft
to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men
until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt
leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they left the seat up instead
of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
All women are overweight by definition; dont agree with them about it. Women
always have 5 pounds to lose, but dont bring this up unless they really have 5
pounds to gain.

Women cant keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they dont
view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
22

medium

Deja Vu
s
t
n
a
i
r
a
V

Weve all experienced deja vu in our lives, but did you know there are
many variants of deja Vu that you may have throughout your life?

The feeling that I remembered this information before (before

the test, that was).

Deja

LOO

The feeling Ive been

to this bathroom before.

Deja

Deja

The feeling Ive drank

this milk before.

Deja

The feeling that Ive

experienced this before,
also.

The feeling Ive calculated the mean of this

population before.

Deja

The feeling that Ive

experienced this before,
twice.

Deja

The feeling that heather has yelled at someone like this before.

Deja

The feeling that Ive

been frightened like
this before.

Deja

Deja

The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.

Deja

boo
coup
Deja

clue

The feeling that colonel mustard has done it

in the billiard room with
the lead pipe before.

knew

MOO

RUE
stew

too

The feeling Ive regretted this day before.

The feeling that this is

made from the pot roast
my mom served the
week before.

Deja

The feeling my hairdresser has given me

this cut before.

Deja

Deja

The
feeling
Ive
smelled this perfume
before.

Deja

Deja

The feeling Ive been

kicked in the head like
this before.

Deja

The feeling Ive exclaimed at these fireworks before.

Deja

The feeling that YOU

have experienced this
before.

Deja

The
feeling
Ive
known who was on
first before.

Deja

The
feeling
Ive
stepped in this before.

Deja

The feeling that the

monkey has done this
in public before.

Deja

The
feeling
Ive
wandered in the desert like this before.

Deja

The feeling Ive encountered this entity

before.

DUH

The feeling that the answer was so obvious, that

you *surely* should have
known it before. DUH!

do

eau
FU

who
jew

MU

NEW
o0h
POO
q

The feeling I havent

experienced this before.
(AKA, Vuja De - Nothing
like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)

TWO
WOO

you
ZOO

ja-vu

23

medium

20-year study at
Stanford University
examined the career
paths of thousands
of executives to determine what qualities they either had or developed that enabled them to
move ahead the most rapidly.
Researchers concluded that
there were two primary qualities that, more than any others, were indispensable 1 for
men and women who were
promoted to positions of great
responsibility.
The first quality was the
ability to function well in a crisis. It was the ability of the executive to keep his or her cool
when the company or the department faced serious challenges or setbacks 2. It was

By Saurin Desai

Working

Well With Others

the ability to calmly analyze
the facts, gather information,
reach conclusions, make decisions, and then mobilize the
other people to respond effectively and solve the problem.
However, this quality, the
researchers found, could be
tested only in a real crisis. It
was not possible to create a
phony 3 crisis to tell how well
an executive would perform.
The second quality that was
identified among the fasttrackers 4 was the ability to
function well as a member of
a team. This tendency toward
cooperation rather than confrontation was evident early
in a persons career. It was
the primary quality that senior executives looked for and
rewarded the most. The ability to be a good team player
inevitably led to greater and
greater opportunities to function as a member of more
and more important teams. In
fact, teamwork is so important
that it is virtually impossible
for you to reach the height of
your capabilities, or make the
money that you want, without
becoming very good at it.
You can make the decision
to be an excellent team player
in everything you do at work
and at home. Your aim should
be to seek out every opportu-

24

nity to demonstrate your ability to contribute to the success

of a group of people in accomplishing large objectives.
And you can start right where
you are.
Lets start off with the definition of team. A team is two
or more people who combine
their talents and abilities to
accomplish a specific goal or
series of goals. A team, by
definition, is made up largely
of equals 5, men and women
who are different only in their
areas of skill and who are
peers 6 when they sit down together as a work group.
In this sense, you and your
spouse 7 are a team. You and
your coworkers make up a
team. When you volunteer in
any charitable organization,
all the people you work with
are members of a team. If you
have a social circle and you
plan activities together, you
are functioning as a team.
A team is formed to take advantage of the power of synergy 8. Synergy means that
the total is greater than the
sum of its parts. For example,
lets say that four individuals
working alone will produce
four units of work; when they
are combined as a team, the
four individuals may produce
five or six or eight or even 10

units of work. Many jobs simply cannot be done by one

person working alone, whether its carrying a heavy box or
carrying out a major corporate
project. A team needs to be
formed whenever the task at
hand is greater than the capacity of any individual working alone.
Over the last few decades,
the concept of teamwork has
evolved 9 rapidly. We came out
of World War II with a command and control mentality.
Most of the heads of American
corporations, large and small,
had been military officers, of
various ranks, during the war.
They brought their training
into the workplace. Their approach to management was
the hierarchy 10 or pyramid
style, with the president at the
top, the senior executives below him, the junior executives
below them, and so on, all
the way down to the workers
and support staff who made
up the base of the pyramid.
The orders traveled in one
direction: downward. Information filtered up slowly. People
were expected to do their job,
collect their paycheck and be
satisfied. However, two forces
have converged 11 to transform this approach to management dramatically. First is the

rapid rate of change and the

increasing complexity of even
the smallest business operation due to the advent 12 of the
computer age. Everyone has
critical skills and knowledge
that are necessary to many
other people if the job is to
get done on time and to an acceptable standard of quality.
For example, in our office,
our receptionist has been
promoted to the position of
front-office manager. Some
years ago, when I started in
business, the job of the receptionist was to answer the
telephone and direct the callers to the appropriate people.
Today, however, her job is far
more complicated and, therefore, more important. Since
she is the first contact that
most customers have with our
business, her personality and
temperament are extremely
important. The prospective
client who telephones begins
forming an impression of us
the instant that the telephone
is answered. Then, because
our companies are doing so
many things, she must tactfully ascertain exactly how the
caller may be best served and
who is the best person in the
company to direct the telephone call to. In many cases,
there are requests for further
information, and follow-up
telephone calls go through
our front-office manager. Her
ability to handle these calls ef-

medium

fectively, to direct calls to the

right people, to take accurate
messages, and to act as the
core person in a network of
communications, makes her
job so important that it is essential that she sit in on all
staff meetings and be aware
of everything that is going on.
Your job in your company
also requires that you know a
lot about what is going on everywhere else, as well as be
thoroughly conversant 13 with
what you do. And the fastest and most accurate way
of keeping current with what
is going on is to develop and
maintain a network of contacts, an informal team of people within your workplace who
keep you informed and who
you keep informed in turn.
The old methods of command and control now exist
only at the old-line 14 companies, many of which are fight-

anything of consequence 17,

you will need the help and
cooperation of lots of people. Your main objective is to
structure everything you do
in such a way that, because
you are constantly cooperating and working well with others, they are continually open
to helping you achieve your
goals as well. Now, the major reason why teams do not
function well, and why people
end up not making their full
contribution to the success of
the teams, is lack of clarity.
All the studies of team building and team development
focus in on the importance of
everyones being absolutely
clear about what the team is
trying to accomplish. This can
be in the form of a goal or objective handed down by senior
management, or it can be the
result of discussion and participation by the various team

ing for their very survival. Today, men and women want a
high degree of participation
and involvement in their work.
They want an opportunity to
discuss and thoroughly understand what they are doing and
why they are doing it. People
are no longer satisfied to be
cogs 15 in a big machine. They
want to have an integral role
in achieving goals that they
participated in setting in the
first place.
Being a team player is no
longer something that is optional. Today, it is mandatory 16. If you want to achieve

members. In any case, everyone must know what is to be

done, to what standard, by
what deadline, and what the
roles and responsibilities of
each team member will be in
the achievement of that goal.
One of your key concerns
is to be absolutely clear about
exactly what is expected of
you. If for any reason you
are not sure, bring it up and
ask about it until you have no
doubt whatsoever. Then get
busy, do exactly what is expected of you, and do it well.
Remember, in all your interactions with your team,

www.english4u.com.ua

your role is to be supportive

and helpful. Your role is not to
challenge, criticize or argue,
but to look for solutions and
for opportunities to help other
people make their maximum
contribution as well. When
you sit in on a team meeting, you are onstage. Everyone is watching you. The
best team players I have ever
seen are those whose comments to the other members
of the team are in the form
of suggestions on how things
can be done better. The best
team members are always
offering to help other people
after the meetings to get on
top of some aspect of their
work. This focus on collaboration and cooperation is seen
by everybody and marks you
as a person to be both liked
and respected. Many men and
women have kicked their careers into the stratosphere by

indispensable
setback
3
phon(e)y
4
fast tracker

5
equal
6
peer
7
spouse
8
synergy

9
to evolve
10
hierarchy
11
to converge
12
advent
13
conversant
14
old-line
15
cog

16
mandatory
17
consequence
18
from scratch
19
Confucius
1
2

["IndI`spen(t)sqbl]
[`setbxk]
[`fqunI]



[`Jkwql]
[pIq]

[spauz]
[`sInqGI]

[I`vOlv]
[`haIqrRkI]
[kqn`vWG]
[`xdvqnt]
[kqn`vWs(q)nt]
[`quldlaIn]
[kOg]


[`mxndqt(q)rI]
[`kOn(t)sIkwqn(t)s]
[skrxC]
[kqn`fjHSqs]

taking on a small responsibility and doing such a good job

with it that they came to the
attention of important people
both inside and outside their
organizations.
For example, some years
ago, the chairman of a conglomerate for which I worked
asked me if I would set up
the importation and distribution of the Suzuki motor vehicles into Western Canada.
Even though I knew nothing
about automobile importation, I jumped on the opportunity with enthusiasm. For
the next three months, I threw
my whole heart into learning everything I could about
the importation and distribution of foreign automobiles. In
the following two-and-a-half
years, we imported and sold
more than $25 million worth of
vehicles, through 65 dealerships, all of which I had set up
from scratch 18. Then one day,
I got a call from the president
of another billion-dollar organization. He offered me three
times my current salary if I
would take charge of his $275
million development business.
He told me later that the determining factor of the offer he
had made me was my proven
ability with Suzuki to put together a team to achieve successful financial results. And it
will be the same for you.
Continually look for opportunities to get onto teams and
to make valuable contributions. Volunteer for additional
assignments. Focus on highpriority tasks, and finish what
you start on time. Do excellent
work. And remember that, as
Confucius 19 said, He who
would be master must be servant of all.

; ,

, ;
,
( )
,
, ( , )
, ; ,
;

;

;
(, )

;
() ; ();
( )
,
, ;
; ;

25

easy

tymology
This usage of the word was coined2 by Lewis Carroll in
Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There
(1871). In the book, Humpty Dumpty explains to Alice
words from Jabberwocky, saying, Well, slithy means lithe
and slimy ... You see its like a portmanteau there are
two meanings packed up into one word. Carroll often used such
words to a humorous effect in his work.
Portmanteau, from Middle French porter (to carry) and manteau (a coat or cover), formerly referred to a large travelling bag or
suitcase with two compartments, hence3 the linguistic idea of fusing two words and their meanings into one. Portmanteau is rarely
used to refer to a suitcase in English any more, since that type of a
suitcase has fallen into disuse. In French, the word has the different
meaning of coat hanger, and sometimes coat rack, and is spelled
porte-manteau. The French word for Portmanteau is mot valise,
which translates literally as suitcase word.

List of

Portmanteaux
This is a partial list of hybrid words, or blends words formed by combining
two pre-existing words in the English language. Most portmanteau words combine the prefix of one word with the suffix of the other. This process sometimes
creates derivative meanings for the prefix and suffix. Some portmanteaux, however, combine the prefixes from both words (e.g., the portmanteau-word, modem - from modulator and demodulator).

advertecture from advertising and architecture

aerobatics from aerial and acrobatics
affluenza from affluence and influenza
alphabet from alpha and beta, the first two
letters of the Greek alphabet
anacronym from anachronism and acronym
arcology from architecture and ecology
arf from art and caf
assgasm from ass and orgasm
automagical from automatic and magical
avgas from aviation and gasoline
backronym from back and acronym
banoffee from banana and toffee 4
bedaffle from bedazzle5 and baffle6
beefalo from beef and buffalo
beutifantistarific from beautiful, fantastic, and terrific
bionicle from biological, and chronicle
bioterrorism from biological and terrorism
Blackanese from black and Japanese or
Chinese
/b/lackup from /b/, black and backup
blaxican from black and mexican
blaxploitation from black and exploitation
bleen from blue and green, coined by
Nelson Goodman to illustrate Goodmans
paradox
blipster from black and hipster7
blorph from blend and morph, a visual
26

effects technique (coined by Ken Ralston/

Sony Pictures Imageworks)
bodacious from bold and audacious8
boxercise from boxing and exercise
brunch from breakfast and lunch
Californication from California and fornication9
camcorder from camera and recorder
caplet from capsule and tablet
carboloy from carbon and alloy10
Chunnel from Channel and tunnel
chillaxing from chilling and relaxing
Chinglish from Chinese and English
chortle from chuckle 11 and snort 12,
coined by Lewis Carroll

A WORD OF WISDOM

Kill two birds with

one stone

Clintwood from Clinton and Eastwood, the

actor and director himself, coined by Clintwood Apartments
cocacolonization from Coca-Cola and
colonization
cosplay from costume and play
cremains from cremated and remains
crisitunity from crisis and opportunity
crunk from crazy and drunk
cryptex from cryptology and codex
cyborg from cybernetic and organism
craptacular from crap and spectacular

dancercise from dance and exercise.

deliquid from delicious and liquid.
dramastic from dramatic and drastic.
dramedy from drama and comedy.
ebonics from ebony13 and phonics14.
ecoteur from ecological and saboteur.
edutainment from education and entertainment.
electrocution from electricity and execution (originally only referred to execution in
an electric chair).
escopetarra from Spanish escopeta (shotgun/rifle) and guitarra (guitar); a guitar made
from an AK-47
exercycle from exercise and cycle.
fantabulous from fantastic and fabulous.
farla from fugly15 and carla
fanzine from fan and magazine.
Fergalicious from Fergie and delicious
flexicurity from flexibility and security
folksonomy from folk and taxonomy16.
fpoon from Frosty and spoon.
foon from fork and spoon (see also spork,
below).
Franglais from franais (French for
French) and anglais (French for English)
(see also lish, below)
frankenfood from Frankenstein and food,
a reference to GMOs
frankenword from Frankenstein and word,
a clunky portmanteau (e.g. infotainment or
stalkerazzi)
frappuccino from frapp17 and cappuccino
frowculation from frown and calculation
fucktard from fucking and retard
fugly from fucking and ugly
fungasm from fun and orgasm
fucksy from fuck and sexy

easy

gaydar from gay and radar

gaysian from gay and Asian
gerrymander from Gerry and Salamander
ginormous from gigantic and enormous
grue from green and blue (see bleen,
above)
guesstimate from guess and estimate
herpegonosyphillaids from herpes, gonorrhea, syphillis, and AIDS
herstory from her and history
humanure from human and manure18.
ineptitude from inept19 and aptitude
insinnuendo from insinuate and innuendo 20
intertwingle (or intertwangle) from intertwine and intermingle
Jazzercise from jazz and exercise
joygasm from joy and orgasm

lenovo from legend and novo (new)

liger from lion and tiger cf. tigon
lish used as a suffix to form many frankenwords meaning foreign varieties of English (see also Franglais, above):
- Chinglish (Chinese)
- Czenglish (Czech)
- Germlish or Denglish (German)
- Greeklish (Greek)
- Hebrish (Hebrew)
- Hinglish (Hindi)
- Hunglish (Hungarian)
- Japlish (Japanese). Similar are the
words Janglish, which involves utilizing English words with a Japanese pronunciation (sometimes called Katakana
English), and Engrish, which is simply
English being inappropriately utilized in
the context of Japanese culture.
- Konglish (Korean)
- Malglish (Malaysian)
- Poglish (Polish)
- Russlish (Russian)
- Singlish (Singaporean)
- Spanglish (Spanish)
- Swahinglish (Swahili)
- Swenglish (Swedish)
- Taglish (Tagalog)
- Wenglish (Welsh)
- Tanglish (Tamil)
- Tinglish (Thai)
- Yinglish (Yiddish)
masstige, from mass market and prestige,
describes prestige items sold in
mathlete, from maths/math and athlete
McJob, from McDonalds and job
McLife, from McDonalds and life
McMansion, from McDonalds and mansion
mechatronics from mechanics and electronics
meld possibly from melt or mold and weld
Melodyssey, from Melodic and Odyssey,
from the Australian band Melodyssey
metrosexual most commonly, from metropolitan and heterosexual; some argue the
etymology can be attributed to metera, from
the Greek word meaning mother (or effemiwww.english4u.com.ua

snark from snide and remark

shlam from slam and ham
spanglish from Spanish and English
spork from spoon and fork
sportscast from sports and broadcast
squircle from square and circle
stagflation from stagnation24 and inflation
starchitect from star and architect
strunk from stoned and drunk
Swisslish from Swiss and English
tangelo from tangerine25 and pomelo26
tardass from retard and dumbass
televangelist from television and evangelist
TGI McChiliBees from TGI Fridays, McDonalds, Chilis, and Applebees restaurants
tofurkey from tofu and turkey
toonie from two and loonie, a Canadian $2
coin (where a loonie is the Canadian $1 coin)
transceiver from transmitter and receiver
transponder from transmitter and responder
trill from true and real
triticale from triticum and secale (Latin for
wheat and rye)
tber from teh/t3h and ber
turducken from turkey, duck, and chicken,
a food dish in which a turkey is stuffed with a
duck which is itself stuffed with a chicken)
twincest from twin and incest

nate), from which metropolitan is derived

meowse from cat (meow) and mouse
mobisode from mobile phone and episode
mobitone from mobile phone and ring tone
mockney from mock and Cockney
moped from motor and pedal
motel from motor and hotel
moxibustion from mogusa, the Japanese
name for Artemisia vulgaris, and combustion
mutagen from mutation and from Gk. genesis origin, creation, generation,

Oxbridge from Oxford and Cambridge

parkade from parking and arcade
permaculture from permanent agriculture,
or permanent culture, coined by Bill Mollison
and David Holmgren during the 1970s
Pastafarian from pasta and Rastafarian
permafrost from permanent and frost
petrochemical from petroleum and chemical. Because the crucial root oleo has been
removed, this word is a portmanteau.
phoneme from phonetics and scheme. This
is a way to distinguish sounds of symbols.
pixel from picture and element.
pluot from plum and apricot
pomosexual from postmodern and sexual
pornograffiti from pornography and graffiti
posistor from positive and thermistor
prosumer from professional and consumer
products at a quality between professional products and consumer products;
typically marketed as such
Qubxican from Qubcois 21 and
Mexican a popular term for the language
and people of the province of Quebec,
Canada.
Positron from positive and electron

Its the linguistic idea

of fusing two words
and their meanings
into one

ramen from ramen22 and amen23

snecret or sneakret from sneak and secret
satisficing from Herbert Simon, satisfactory and sufficing
screenager from screen (as in a computer
monitor) and teenager
sexcapade from sex and escapade
sexercise from sex and exercise
sexile from sex and exile
sexploitation from sex and exploitation
simulcast from simultaneous and broadcast
silastic combination silicone and plastic
skort from skirt and short (as in short pants)
slanguage from slang and language
smacktard from smack (a slang term for
gossip or the drug heroin) and retard
smaze from smoke and haze
smog from smoke and fog

bertastic from ber and fantastic

Vietnamasian from Vietnamese and Asian,
used when someone is unsure if they or
someone else are/is from Vietnam or from
some other country in Asia.
webzine from web and magazine
wigger from white and nigger, a Caucasian person who dresses, speaks, etc.
in an attempt to emulate 27 the perceived
mannerisms of an African American youth,
especially those mannerisms based on
ethnic stereotype; also spelled whigger or
wigga.
Youthanasia from youth and euthanasia.
Megadeth song and album released in 1994.
portmanteau



2
to coin

3
hence
4
toffee
5
to bedazzle
6
to baffle
7
hipster

8
audacious
9
fornication
10
alloy
11
chuckle
12
snort

13
ebony
14
phonics
15
fugly
16
taxonomy

17
frapp
18
manure
19
inept
20
innuendo
21
Qubcois
22
ramen
23
amen
24
stagnation
25
tangerine
26
pomelo
27
to emulate
1

,
- (. ,
);
;
[kOIn]


( )
[hen(t)s]

[`tOfI]

[bI`dxzl]

[`bxfl]

[`hIpstq]



[L`deISqs]
,
["fLnI`keIS(q)n] ;
[`xlOI]

[`CAkl]
;
[snLt]

( )
[`eb(q)nI]
()
[`fOnIks]

[`fAglI]
(inform.) ,

,


[`frxpeI]
;
[mq`njuq]
, ,
[I`nept]
;
["Inju`endqu] ;
["keIbe`kwR]
[`rRmqn]

["R`men]
, ;
[stxg`neIS(q)n] ,
["txnG(q)`rJn] ()
[`pOmIlqu] ( )
[`emjHleIt] ;
[pLt`mxntqu]

27

easy

hese arent necessarily jokes, but

they are so weird that youll probably just start laughing after you read
them anyway. That is until you start
racking your brain trying to figure out
how they work out how they do!

Mind Benders
Where did the other dollar go?
3 guys go for dinner, each buys a $10 steak. At the
end of the meal, they collect $30 between the three
of them to cover the cost of the meals and gives it
to the waitress. She goes back to the cash register,
where the overlooking manager says Those dinners
are discounted, you need to give them $5 back. So
the waitress gets the five dollars, and returns to the
table. Not knowing how to split $5 between the three
of them, she gives 1 dollar to each of the three patrons, and kept two for herself.
Now if you do the math, together they paid $30, got $3 back meaning they
only paid $27. Thus each guy paid $9 for steaks and the waitress got $2, for a
total of $29. Where did the other dollar go?
Answer 1: Each of the guys ultimately paid $9 to buy a $25 meal, with the waitress getting the extra $2. The seeming difficulty of the question arises from the final and, a word
which can mean either plus or it was also the case. If we read the last sentence as they
paid $27 plus the waitress got $2 we end up focusing on a meaningless $29 total. Instead,
we should read they paid $27 and it was also the case that the waitress got $2, which
leads us to the $25 actually spent on the meal.
Answer 2: Each person paid $9 for a total of $27. The $2 that the waitress got is
included in this $27. You should not add $2 to $27 because it is already included. Each
of the patrons got back $1 for a total of $3. The $27 that they spent plus the $3 returned
accounts for the original $30.

For Workaholics

So you want a day off. Lets take a look at what

you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you
already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days
available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day
away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving
only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each
day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each
year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46
days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves
you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which
leaves only 1 day available for work and Ill be damned if you are going to take that day off!
28

Eternal Number Nine

Depending on how you ask the
questions, you can force the answer
you seek! Remember 43% of polls are
wrong, the other 78% are made up!
Dont jump to the answer. Take this
test mentally, dont write down your
answers, and dont shout them out.
1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2
or it can be 9, or any number in between.
2. Take that number that youve chosen, and multiply it by 9.
3. That should give you a two digit
number. Take those two digits and add
them together.
4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it.
5. Take that number and correspond
it to the alphabet, numbering the letters.
A =1, B=2, C=3, and so on...
6. Take your letter, and think of a
country that begins with that letter.
7. Take the last letter in the name of
that country, and think of an animal.
8. Now, take the last letter in the name
of that animal, and think of a color.
9. But remember, that there are no orange kangaroos in Denmark.

medium

Mythological

Monsters
Quiz

Thousands of years before Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolfman, these

monsters from ancient mythology terrorized humans as well as the gods.

This half-man, half-bull beast was kept in

a labyrinth on Crete.
a) Minotaur

b) Chimera c) Phoenix

In Egypt, this beast had the body of a lion

and the head of a man; in Greece, it had the
breasts and head of a woman and wings.

Talk about ugly. Just looking at this snakehaired monster would turn you to stone.

The original hound from hell, this pooch

had three heads, a tail and mane of snakes,
and guarded the entrance to Hades.

a) Basilisk

a) Medusa

a) Basilisk

b) Sphinx

c) Chimera

b) Harpies

c) Chimera

b) Cerberus

c) Minotaur

This fire-breathing mishmash of a monster

was a lion with a goats head in the middle of
its back and a dragons head for a tail.
a) Basilisk

b) Medusa

ANSWER:
1. Minotaur (King Minos of Crete
demanded seven youths and seven
maidens a year for the Minotaur.
Theseus finally killed the monster.)
2. Sphinx (The Grecian sphinx also had
wings and asked Oedipus a riddle.)
3. Medusa (Medusa offended Athe-

www.english4u.com.ua

c) Chimera

na, resulting in a bad hair life. Perseus killed Medusa by using his
shield as a mirror.
4. Cerberus (Hercules captured
Cerberus as the last of his twelve
labors.)
5. Chimera (The Chimera was
slain by Bellerophon with the help
of Pegasus.)

6
7
8
9
10

Theyre giants with only one eye. Odysseus

and his men were imprisoned by one.
a) Harpies

b) Cyclopes

c) Gorgons

If looks could kill: this tiny king of serpents

single glance would knock you dead if his bad
breath or trail of deadly venom didnt get you first.
a) Basilisk

b) Hydra c) Minotaur

This many-headed water serpent was

pretty hard to kill cut off one head, two
more appear.
a) Hydra

b) Phoenix

c) Basilisk

This monster is why peacocks

tails have eyes.
a) Cyclops

b) Medusa

c) Argus

The granddaddy (well, daddy) of monsters, he sired Cerberus, Hydra, Chimera,

and Sphinx among others.
a) Typhon

b) Phoenix

7. Cyclopes (According to Homer, Polyphemus ate a few of Odysseus men

before they blinded him and escaped.
Hesiod portrays the Cyclopes as being
foul-tempered but not quite as nasty.)
6. Basilisk (Many centuries of story
telling caused the Basilisk to grow
from a small snake to a mightier reptile. Harry Potter met a huge basilisk in
the Chamber of Secrets.)

c) Kraken

8. Hydra (Hercules managed to slay

the Hydra as his second labor)
9. Argus (After Hermes killed the hundred-eyed Argus, Hera took the eyes
and put them in a peacocks tail)
10. Typhon (Typhon, the son of
Gaea, was so bad Zeus himself set
Typhon on fire and buried him under Mt. Etna

29

easy

Brunette &
BlondeJ o k e s

Q. What do you call going on a

blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it*.

Q. Whats the real reason a

brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette

in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. Whats a brunettes mating call 1 ?

A. Has the blonde left yet?

Q. Whats black and blue and

brown and laying in a ditch 2 ?
A. A brunette whos told too
many blonde jokes.

Q. What do brunettes miss

most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. What is a brunette between

two blondes?
A. An interpreter 3 .

30

Q. Did you hear about the new

blonde paint?
A. Its not real bright, but its
cheap, and spreads 4 easy.

Q. How does a blonde part 5

their hair?
A. By doing the splits 6 .

Q. Why do blondes wash their

hair in the sink 7 ?
A. Because thats where your
supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. Why did the blonde like the

car with a sunroof 8 ?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why do blondes like tilt

steering 9 ?
A. More headroom

Q. What do you call a dumb

blonde behind a
steering wheel 11 ?
A. An airbag 12 .

Q. What did the blondes right

leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they havent met!

Q. Why is it good to have a

blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone 13 .

Q. How does a blonde like her

eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized 14

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: Fun fun

fun worry worry worry
A. Fun period 15 fun
period fun no period worry worry
worry....

Q. Whats a blondes favorite

nursery rhyme 16 ?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why is a blonde like a

doorknob 17 ?
A. Because everyone gets a
turn.

Q. What did
the blonde
say when
she found

easy

out she was pregnant?

A. Are you sure its mine?

Q. Hear about the blonde that

bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at
night too.

Q. What do you call 20 blondes

in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What happened to the

blonde tap 19 dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down
the drain 20.

Q. What did the blonde say

when she saw the banana
peel 23 on the floor?
A. Oh no, Im going to fall again!

Q. What do smart blondes and

UFOs 24 have in common 25?
A. You always hear about them
but never see them.

Q. What do you call a blonde

with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant

Q. What do you do if a blonde

throws a grenade 26 at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a

blonde dyes27 her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence 28.

Q. How can you tell a blonde

has used your computer?
A. There is white out 29 on the
screen.

Q. What does a blonde say the

last two words of the national
anthem 35 are?
A. Play ball 36!

Q. Why do blondes have

bruised belly buttons 37?
A. Because they have blond
boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer

bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the
neck up.

Q. How can you tell that a

blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp 38 on it.

Q. Why do blondes always

drink with straws 39?
A. Practice.

Q. Why should blondes not be

given coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain 40 them.

Q. What do you
call a blond
with a brain?
A. A golden
retriever 41.

Q. How do you drown42 a blonde?

A. Put a scratch n sniff sticker 43 at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores?

A. Open 24 hours a day.

Q. Whats the difference between a group of blondes and

a good magician 44?
A. The magician
hasa cunning 45
array 46 of
stunts 47.

Q. Why did the blonde

throw
bread
c r u m b s 31
down the toilet?
A. To feed 32 the toilet duck!

Q. What do you call a blonde in

the closet 33?
A. The 1984 hide and go
seek 34 champion.

*brown bagging it To conceal an alcoholic beverage in a brown paper bag. This

is done to legally drink alcohol in public. Joe was brown bagging it again yesterday afternoon at the park.
mating
ditch
interpreter
4
to spread
5
to part
6
to do the splits
7
sink
8
sunroof
9
tilt steering
10
hostage
11
steering wheel
12
airbag
13
handicap zone
14
fertilized
15
period
16
nursery rhymes
17
doorknob
18
witch
19
tap
20
drain
21
can
22
concentrate
23
peel
24
UFO
1
2
3

[`meItIN]
[dIC]
[In`tWprItq]
[spred]
[pRt]
[splIts]
[sINk]
[`sAnrHf]
[tIlt`stIqrIN]
[`hOstIG]
[`stIqrIN"wJl]
[`Fqbxg]
[`hxndIkxp]
[`fWtIlaIzd]
[`pIqrIqd]
[`nWs(q)rI"raImz]
[`dLnPb]
[wIC]
[txp]
[dreIn]
[kxn]
[`kOn(t)s(q)ntreIt]
[pJl]
["jHef`qu]

www.english4u.com.ua

; ;
,

( )
;

;
;
,

;
,
= unidentified flying object

to have in common [`kOmqn]
grenade
[grq`neId]
27
to dye ones hair [daI]
28
artificial intelligence

29
white(-)out
[`(h)waItaut]
30
moustache
[mq`stRS]
31
bread crumbs
[krAm]
32
to feed
[fJd]
33
closet
[`klOzIt]
34
hide-and-(go-)seek [`haIdqnd(gqu)`sJk]
35
national anthem
[`xnTqm]
36
to play ball (with smb.)
37
belly button
[`belI`bAtn]
38
stamp
[stxmp]
39
straw
[strL]
40
to retrain
["rJ`treIn]
41
golden retriever
[`gquldqnrI`trJvq]
42
to drown
[draun]
43
scratch and sniff sticker
44
magician
[mq`GIS(q)n]
45
cunning
[`kAnIN]
46
array
[q`reI]
47
stunt
[stAnt]
25
26

;
( )

;
()
, ; ()

( )

; ,
,
, ,

31

medium

assandra always had

a very complicated private life. Like, incredibly complicated. Were
talking about the sort
of relationship twists
that would make an episode of
Dallas look straightforward. All
of which was a million miles
away from my personal life, I
might add. I am Ms Sensible2 to
Cassandras Femme Fatale3 of
Upper Posset.
Thats where we both come
from, by the way. Upper Posset.
A small town, no, make that a
village, in Surrey, so small that
its not really on the map. But if
it ever does get on the map, itll
be because of Cassandra.
We met as gangly4 five-yearold and Cassandra was a serious contender5 for the Miss

by Cathy Kelly

Cassandra
Pears Soap contest. Blonde
ringlets6, blue eyes the colour of holiday-brochure swimming pools, and endearing7
dimples8. Naturally, shes lost
the ringlets now and has gone
for the sort of sleek crop9 with
razored edges that you see in
the trendier hairdressing magazines. She gets it cut in Trevor
Sorbie and, needless to say,
she doesnt have to wait three
months for an appointment, either. Cassandra keeps telling
me I should do something different with my hair, which is exactly the same as it was when
we first met twenty-three years
ago, but Ive got used to having
it long and loose. Im not cut out
to be chic and, besides, long
hair hides a multitude of sins.
Molly, curls are no nineties,
Cassandra says, trying to be
helpful. The bed-head look
would be so you. Look what its
done for Drew Barrymore.
Personally, I cant see me in
the bed-head you know, the
short, messy, just-out-from-under-the-duvet10 look. You need
cheekbones11 and blow-job lips
to carry that off. Id just look as
if Id spent the night sleeping
in a cardboard box in a C & A
doorway. Cassandra could wear
it, though. Shes stunning12.
Doesnt need to wear make-up,
although she loves MAC and
looks totally amazing when she
does that heavy kohl13 thing
which makes her resemble a
Vogue cover girl when the Mille-

32

nium/Barbarella vibe14 was hot.

So where was I? Oh yeah, the
reason Im telling you this story.
You see, it was Cassandras
personal life that got me into
this mess in the first place. Cassandra and a man, to be exact.
She was always the one with
more boyfriends than you could
shake a stick at*.
During our college years, she
had a string of besotted15 men
hanging around her. I know, its
weird that we went to the same
college but I had my heart set on
journalism in Cardiff and when
Cassandra thought about it, she
decided not to bother applying
for that drama course and went
for journalism too. I was a bit
surprised because shed never
been too keen on writing but you
see, Cassandra is so good with
people that shes a natural at
journalism. Shes got that charm
thing. People just like her and
want to talk to her. Being glamorous and wearing sexy clothes
helps, or so my mother says a
bit snidely16. (Mum and Cassandra have never seen eye to
eye17. They havent talked since
Cassandra ended up going to
our graduation dance with Ted.
Hed been my date originally
but thered been a bit of mixup and I was quite happy going with Cassandras younger
brother Mitch, who was good
fun when he wasnt bitching
about 18 his sister.)
She and I shared a flat in
college and spent lots of time

working on assignments19 together. Cassandra is very clever but she loved talking to me
about my opinion. Shes got an
incredible mind, really.
That time we had to write an
in-depth20 piece about the UN
and shed been too hungover21
to do much research in the library, well, all I had to do was
sketch in the briefest idea of
the whole thing and she went

She likes to be a free spirit:

Cant stand long-term relationships, she always said,
usually after she had to dump
some guy whod been getting
annoying. It was incredible
the way men became so boring once theyd gone out with
Cassandra for a few weeks.
She loved partying and they
couldnt always keep up, especially close to exam time.

Cathy Kelly Biography

A former journalist, Cathy was born in Belfast, brought

up in Dublin, and says she always wanted to write novels.
After a career as a feature writer, agony aunt1 and film
critic, she began to write her first novel, Woman To Woman,
on her dining room table at nights and weekends.
It was published in 1997, became a number one bestseller, and launched her career as a best-selling novelist.
She followed her first novel up with the equally-successful
Shes The One, Never Too Late, Someone Like You, What
She Wants, Just Between Us and Best of Friends.
Her seven novels have been translated into many languages and sold worldwide. She now writes full time and lives in
Co Wicklow, Ireland, with her partner and their twin sons.
on to get an A+ for it. The tutor
loved my point about how giving humanitarian aid made the
wealthy West feel better about
itself, although he said it was
a bit derivative22 and sounded
as if I was using other peoples
ideas. Men were a problem for
both of us during those wonderful student days. Well, they
were a problem for me because
I never had one, while Cassandras problem was getting rid of
them when she was bored.

God, theyre so thick 23 , she

groaned one December night
when she was racing out to an
Arts student bash 24 and I was
planning to stay home studying. Can I borrow your notes
tomorrow? she asked, heavily
mascarad eyes on the mirror
as she adjusted the straps on
her Wonderbra. Its our duty
to show these brain-dead
males how clever we are and
how we dont have to spend
the entire month at home por-

medium

ing over the books 25 .

There was a bit of trouble
when three of her exes joined
forces and sent this horrible
note around campus about her,
saying she was a one-woman
demolition squad26 who ate
men for breakfast, or something
nasty like that. It was terrible.
Id thought theyd been lovely
guys, particularly Steve, whom
Id sort of fancied myself until
he clapped eyes on Cassandra.
That was the one negative thing
about being best friends with
Cassandra: once a guy saw
her, I hadnt a chance. Not that I
minded, or anything. Cassandra
was special, as her dad used to
tell her all the time. We couldnt
all be like that.
Beautys a curse27, Molly,
she insisted. Everybody wants
a piece of you. They dont treat
you like a person but like a
beautiful object. Youre lucky
not to have this problem, you
dont know how I envy you.
She was right, poor love. Everybody did want a piece of her.
I tried to help out when I could.
One time, I had to keep her current boyfriend in the kitchen so
she could sneak an old flame28
out of the bedroom. Which is,
incidentally, a bit like whats just
happened.
Im deputy features editor on
Your Kind of Woman (YKOW)
which is a middle-of- theroad29 womens magazine.
We both started working there
on a college work placement
scheme. Id actually applied for
a job on YKOW and Cassandra
had applied for a job on the Independent. When she didnt get
in there, it was sheer30 coincidence that they had a second
student vacancy in YKOW. We
both stayed a year and nobody
was more amazed than me
when I was offered a full-time
job. I mean, me, not Cassandra. Startled and thrilled, I did
once pluck up the courage31
to ask Madeleine, the editor,
why theyd hired me. I never
really understood her answer:
Because we want someone
with originality and talent, who
doesnt need to rip off32 other
peoples ideas, she said.
Thats Cassandra to a T 33 ,
and shes gorgeous too, which
was always useful in our business. Not that I need a brown
paper bag over my head at all
times, but Im not a patch 34 on
Cassandra with her feline 35
beauty.
Mol, youre one of a kind;
www.english4u.com.ua

quirky36, fun er, and youve

got a great personality, she
says to me when Im feeling insecure about my looks.
That was the nice thing about
Cassandra, I always thought.
Shes truly beautiful but she
never made me feel insecure.
Instead, she bolstered37 my
confidence and used to help
me buy clothes. Im hopeless
at fashion and shes like Rachel
from Friends: clothes are her
hobby and Elle is her bible.
She had a positive fetish about
making me wear fleecy38 tops.
Dunno why she never wears
them herself. Prefers stuff from
Morgan. But Cassandra reckons Im a fleecy-top-and-denim
sort of girl. We make an odd
combination: her in head-to-toe
second-skin garments39 with
Gucci shoes (her father does
spoil her with an allowance40),
me in baggy stuff that wouldnt
look out of place down on the
farm. In our flat didnt I mention that? We were still sharing,
this time in a two-bedroomed
shoe-box in Clapham Cassandra had to have the bigger bedroom so shed have somewhere
for her tow clothes rails. Every
penny of her wages went on
clothes and there were weeks
when I dont know how we paid
the rent because shed blown
her cheque on an adorable pair
of boots, Moll. I simply had to
have them!
She used to march into my office I always felt bad that I had
a tiny office with a window and
she was stuck out in the freelance Siberia where everyone
shared desks in that horrible
hot-desking system and beg
me to borrow the fashion editors Karen Millen discount card
for her. (She and the fashion
editor had this hate:hate thing
going on, so she couldnt possibly ask herself.) Even though
I felt guilty about going behind
the fashion eds back, I could
never say no. Cassandra looked
perfect in Karen Millen. Nobody
could wear those cobwebby41,
beaded dresses like she did.
She was wearing one at the
magazines birthday party when
she met the publisher, Tony Milano, which was where the trouble started. Tonys in his forties
and isnt bad-looking, in an Italian wide-boy42 sort of way. Not
Cassandras type, mind you.
But she fell for him big time.
I dont see the attraction
myself. Tony may have three
homes, four sports cars and

several offshore accounts, but

he also had three chins and no
sense of style. Of yeah, and a
wife. That was the real problem.
Cassandra didnt see it as much
of a problem, but I did. Still,
theres no talking to her when
shes in love. I didnt think she
was in love to be honest, but
once Tony had whisked43 her
off to St Lucia for a week and
given her a Rolex, well, she never stopped talking about him.
(That was only a month after
the party. Normally when people
say Tonys fast worker44, I think
theyre referring to his prowess45 as a businessman.)
He says Im not to wear
the Rolex to the office, she
swooned46 in our messy sitting room, trying on lots of different outfits to see which ones
had the shortest sleeves and
would therefore reveal the most
expanse47 of slender, tanned,
Rolex-encrusted wrist. But nobody will notice, will they, Moll?
I said that I thought they
might but Cassandra was determined to have her own way and
anyway, I was busy trying to
organize an interview with Neil
Morten, this gorgeous young
rock musician whod just been
on the cover of Q, so I left her
alone. Big mistake.
Two weeks after Cassandra
had got the Rolex, the edi-

2
sensible
[`sen(t)sIbl]
3
femme fatale
["fxmfq`tRl]
4
gangly
[`gxNglI]
5
contender
[kqn`tendq]
6
ringlet
[`rINlIt]
7
endearing
[In`dIqrIN]
8
dimple
[`dImpl]
9
crop
[krOp]
10
duvet
[`djHveI]
11
cheekbone
[`CJkbqun]
12
stunning
[`stAnIN]
13
kohl
[kqul]
14
vibe
[vaIb]
15
besotted
[bI`sOtId]
16
snidely
[snaIdlI]
17
to see eye to eye (with smb.)
18
to bitch about
[bIC]
19
assignment
[q`saInmqnt]
20
in-depth
["In`depT]
21
hung over
["hAN`quvq]
22
derivative
[dI`rIvqtIv]
23
thick
[TIk]
24
bash
[bxS]
25
to pore over books
[pL]
26
demolition squad
["demq`lIS(q)n `skwOd]
27
curse
[kWs]
28
my old flame
[fleIm]
29
middle-of-the-road
["mIdlqvDq`rqud]
30
sheer
[SIq]
31
to pluck up ones courage [plAk]
32
to rip off
[rIp]
33
to a T
[tJ]
34
to be not a patch on smth. [pxC]

35
feline
[`fJlaIn]
36
quirky
[`kwWkI]
37
to bolster
[`bqulstq]
38
fleecy
[`flJsI]
39
garments
[`gRmqnts]
1

agony aunt/uncle

tor called me into her office at

lunchtime and launched48 into
this speech about how I was a
talented journalist but as nave
as hell and needed to cop on**
pronto49 or Id end up in serious
trouble thanks to that scheming
bitch of a friend of yours. Who
isnt much of a friend, if you really want to know, Madeleine
finished up.
I goggled at50 her. You mean
Cassandra? I said, startled.
Jesus, Molly, will you ever
wake up? screamed Madeleine.
Of course I mean Cassandra.
She rides around on your coattails51, steals all your ideas,
does her best to get your job
when your back is turned and is
now ruining your career thanks
to her affair with the publisher.
I goggled a bit more. I wanted to get her to explain but I
couldnt, could I? I mean, Cassandra was my best friend.
Shed been my best friend for
years, since wed been five.
She cared of me and wed done
everything together. It was my
job to stand up for her, like Id
been doing for years. I couldnt
stop now.
I think thats most unfair,
Madeleine, I said pointedly.
Shes my best friend and I cant
listen to you say terrible things
about her
Have it your way, Madeleine

-,
Agony column (
,
)
,

,
; ,

( , )

;

; ;
,
;
,
,

,

,
(coll.) , ,
(Amer., coll.) ,


; , ;

, ;
, ,

,
, --;

-. -

, ,
,
; ,

33

medium

interrupted wearily and went

back to her cottage cheese and
crispbread. Everyone in the
magazine was always on a diet
except me. I am sickeningly
thin, as Cassandra put it, and
can consume52 vast quantities
of just about anything I like and
not put on weight.
I went home early because I
felt unsettled and also because
the next day I was bringing Neil
Morten to The Ivy for lunch to
interview him and I wanted to be
prepared. I mean, I know it was
a bit daft 53 to bother putting on
fake tan and applying all-night
conditioner just for an interview
with a guy who is so devastatingly handsome he could probably date all the current Miss
World hopefuls. But you know,
a girl can dream. Id invested
in this soft-as-kitten-fur vermillion cashmere cardigan that
made my hair look dark and
lustrous 54, and even give me
a bit of cleavage 55 because it
was so clingy. But when I went
looking for it the next morning,
the cardigan had disappeared
from my drawer, along with my
new feather necklace and the
gel-filled bra which was the
only item of lingerie 56 Id ever
owned that made me look bigger than a 32A.
Sorry, Moll, knew you
wouldnt mind me whipping 57
these, went the note scrawled
in Cassandras trademark gold
handwriting. I did mind but
there was no point crying over
spilt milk. Itd have to be my
boring old black suit. Again. I
tried not to think about Cassandra as I sat in the taxi on
the way to The Ivy. It was uncanny 58 how people had loved
her to bits in college and how
everyone at work disliked her.
Well, not everybody liked her
in college, but most people did,
surely? So why did Madeleine
and the fashion editor and, actually, most of the rest of the
YKOW staff loathe 59 her and
slam their office doors when
she strode 60 along the corridors in the mood to chat? And
what exactly had Madeleine
been trying to warn me about?
Neil Morten was just as gorgeous as he looked on the
cover of both Q and his new
album. Tall, lanky61, with strawcoloured hair, blonde stubble62,
greeny-grey eyes like Pernod***
with water added, and this
sweet, almost anxious63 smile
that lit up his face. In the flesh,
34

he was even better than Id expected and we just well, this

is going to sound stupid, but we
got on64 like a house on fire.
Most of the time you interview
famous people and they talk to
you as if youre a tape recorder
without a real person attached.
They emote65, get all their
charming little anecdotes out,
tell you how much they loved
working on the album/movie/
soap show and then theyre
gone. Youre a part of the process and they dont really notice
you as a member of the same
species, never mind as a proper
human being. But Neil talked to
me as if we were on a date and
as if hed seriously consider going out with me. He was funny,
charming and very normal. By
dessert, we were finishing each
others sentences and talking
so fast we were running out of
breath. The interview hadnt
even happened. It was simply
two people talking nineteen to
the dozen66, laughing and smiling, falling in love, practically. I
was, anyway. Falling in love.
He had this spiky67 blond hair
that stood up but one bit defied
the gel and drooped over his left
eye. I had to stop myself from
leaning over the table and pushing it back tenderly. Did you ever
feel like that about someone:
that you cant help wanting to
touch them? He must have felt
the same, I thought ecstatically,
because he stroked my hand
across the pristine68 tablecloth
with his long, guitar-players
fingers. Wed gone through a
bottle of wine and four brandies
and were thinking about wandering off to a little pub somewhere to actually do some interview when it happened.
This blonde woman marched
into the restaurant and, after
a consultation with the matre
d69, marched over to our table.
She looked vaguely familiar and
because she was one of those
elegant women who shop in
Jaeger and have diamond rings
the size of gobstoppers70, I
assumed she was somebody
semi-famous whom I had written about in our gossip pages.
Are you Molly ORourke?
she said between clenched,
beautifully-polished teeth.
Despite having the best part
of three glasses of wine and two
giant brandies inside me, I instinctively knew something was
wrong. So did Neil. He leaned towards me protectively, but wasnt
fast enough for Ms Jaeger.

You bitch! she howled.

Youve been having an affair
with my husband and you dont
even have the shame to pretend
to be someone else when you
ring up. Ill see you out of your
job, you cow! The magazine belongs to me, not to Tony Milano.
And hes out on his ear71, too!
With that, Mrs Milano leaned
over and belted72 me. Thank
God she got me with the hand
without the diamond rings or Id
be in serious trouble, I can tell
you. Not that black eye isnt serious trouble, but its marginally73
better than having your eyebrow
painfully removed by a massive
diamond with no anaesthetic.
Luckily, the matre d calmly escorted her out before she could
black the other eye and before
Neil could throw our untouched
glasses of water over her. He
was white with rage.
Its Cassandra, I managed to
say in shock. My flatmate Cassandra is having an affair and it
must be with that womans husband. Mrs Milano. I shook my
head in bewilderment74. I cant
imagine why she thought it was
me.
With Neil hugging me and
petting my battered75 face,
we made it home to my apartment, where he put ice on my
eye and fed me hot chocolate
all afternoon. I explained a bit
about Cassandra and Neil became quite grim the more I explained. It did make sense of
what Madeleine had been trying to tell me. And when I rang
Madeleine she explained in
greater detail.
Tony Milano she said his
name as if she was spitting76
allowance
[q`lauqn(t)s]
cobwebby
[`kObwebI]
wide boy
43
to whisk off [(h)wIsk]
44
fast worker

45
prowess
[`prauIs, `praues]
46
to swoon
[swHn]

47
expanse
[Ik`spxn(t)s]
48
to launch into [lLnC]

49
pronto
[`prOntqu]
50
to goggle at [`gOgl]


51
to ride on smb.s coat-tails [`kqutteIl]

52
to consume
[kqn`sjHm]
53
daft
[dRft]




54
lustrous
[lAstrqs]
55
cleavage
[`klJvIG]
56
lingerie
[`lxnZ(q)rI]
57
to whip
[(h)wIp]
58
uncanny
[An`kxnI]
59
to loathe
[lquD]

60
to stride
[straId]

61
lanky
[`lxNkI]
62
stubble
[`stAbl]

63
anxious
[`xN(k)Sqs]
64
to get on

65
to emote
[I`mqut]

66
to talk nineteen to the dozen
40
41
42

simultaneously talked to me
about firing you to give Cassandra your job. Shes using him to
crawl up the career ladder77 and
she doesnt care who she walks
over to get to the top, including
you, Molly. Im sorry. I know you
think shes your friend, but she
isnt. Shes also wrong about
Tony. His wifes family own the
magazines and without her, hes
got nothing. I cant imagine how
she thought Tony was having an
affair with you, though.
Neil was in the kitchen draining pasta when Cassandra
walked in, wearing my new
cashmere cardigan and with a
self-satisfied expression on her
beautiful face. She got a fit78
of giggles79 when she saw me
with my rapidly blackening eye.
You poor thing, she said, stuffing a tissue into her mouth to
stop herself laughing. She did a
double take80 when Neil came
out of the kitchen with the pasta in one hand. He really was
amazing-looking, and famous
too. Cassandras expression
changed in deference81 to both
his fame and his gorgeousness.
Off went her giggly face and on
went the Athena the Huntress82
expression she adopts when
she sees a man she likes: her
mouth curves up into this wicked smile and her eyes glint with
an arch look that says, Youd
never believe how sexy I am,
much sexier than the lump of a
girl youre now with. It always
worked. Until this occasion. Neil
didnt look impressed.
In fact, he looked angry and
contemptuous83.
Molly, has a black eye be

,

,
, ,
,
, ()
, ,
,
,

()

, ( )
; ,
( , )
,


(Br., coll.) ,
,
;
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;

;
,
, ,

medium

cause your lovers wife hit her

in The Ivy.
I rather thought shed been
hit in the eye, quipped84 Cassandra, obviously wrong-footed
about the way this conversation
was going. Under normal circumstances, the object of her
affection would be gazing mistily at her, not staring harshly and
being nasty.
Why do you think this mans
wife thought Molly was having
an affair with him? Neil asked
coldly.
Cassandra tittered85, a sound
which had never sounded irritating to me until the precise moment. Its silly, she said, turning to me. Sorry, old thing, but
when I rang his house looking

ever met her, theres no way

shed think Tony was seriously
contemplating an affair with her.
Shes far too dull for him. It was
the perfect alibi.
I happened to think Mollys very
beautiful, Neil said softly, looking
at me. I like the natural look as
opposed to the done-up-like-adogs-dinner look. He cast those
Pernod-with-water eyes over
Cassandra in a manner which left
her in no doubt that she was the
dogs dinner in question.
She quivered indignantly. It
hardly matters any more.
Just one thing, Cassandra, I
said, speaking for the first time.
Im afraid you miscalculated
with Tony. He cant give you a
job. In fact, I daresay hell be

years of my life standing up

for a woman who rode roughshod 89 over me in her stilettos.
She stole my men, my ideas,
my self-confidence and had
tried to steal my job. The real
Cassandra was revealed 90 to
me after years of blinding myself to her true character. It was
like scales 91 falling from my
eyes, which is how Neil puts
it. The true Cassandra was a
nasty piece of work and it must
have been some flaw 92 in my
own character that kept me in
thrall 93 to her for so long. Perhaps I needed her in my life for
contrast, a contrast between
the difficult times (the Cassandra years) and the wonderful
years (right now with Neil).

I havent seen Cassandra for

months. She keeps phoning me
at work but I dont return her calls
very often. Not surprisingly, she
got fired from YKOW and shes
now freelancing for the Tree
Surgeons Gazette, desperately
trying to get a foot in the door of
womens magazine journalism
again. Mind you, Tony Milanos
wife has put a word out on Cassandra, so its doubtful shell
ever get another job in our tightknit little industry. Shes also
desperate to get invited to our
house. Neil and I are living in a
lovely old townhouse in Islington
and despite having the builders
in all the time, building the recording studio downstairs and
renovating the nursery upstairs
yes, youve guessed it: the
babys due in March and Neil is
over the moon were getting a
reputation for throwing wonderful parties. The Daily Mail called
us Londons newest power couple. Thats because Ive been
made editor of Uberbabe, the
latest magazine in our publishing empire. Between that and
the parties with the rock-star
guest list, were embarrassingly
trendy94. Cassandra is hysterical to come to one of our parties but Neil refuses to have her
in the house. I do feel sorry for
her. Sort of.
* more than one can shake a
stick at - Idioms - ,
, ;
** cop on - Mainly an Irish
slang word, meaning to get
common sense.
*** Pernod - a green-yellowish, anise -flavored liqueur similar to absinthe.

for Tony and he wasnt there, I

said I was you. She must have
noticed my eyes widen so she
rushed on. Their housekeeper
is some stupid Puerto Rican or
something and she can barely
speak English, so I didnt think
itd matter. It was like our code.
You do understand, Moll, dont
you? she wheedled86.
Could it be that this mistaken-identity prank87 was part
of a plot to help you get Molly
sacked88 so that you could get
her job? Neil asked.
Hes grasped the whole idea
so quickly. No wonder he was
a multi-millionaire songwriter.
Brains as well as beauty.
Dont be silly. That was nothing to do with it, Cassandra said
crossly. Tony would give me a
job anytime I wanted. I said I
was Molly because if his wife
www.english4u.com.ua

looking for the Rolex back when

his wife throws him out. You
see, I paused, amazed to find
that I was enjoying this, hes
not the real boss of the magazine. His wife is. The publishing
empire belongs to her family
and Tony is utterly replaceable.
Ive told Madeleine the whole
story and shes told his wife.
Mrs Soon-To-Be-Ex-Milano was
most apologetic about the black
eye. But I rather think youve
lost your job. You and Tony can
visit the job centre together.
Cassandras mouth hung
open, given both of us a good
view of her expensive dental work. Youre joking, she
gasped. He promised
She babbled away to herself
in shock and I looked at her,
wondering how I could have
possibly spent twenty-three

spiky
[`spaIkI]
, ,
pristine
[`prIstJn]

maitre d
[me(I)trq`dJ]

70
gobstopper
[`gOb"stOpq]
( ;


, )
71
out on ones ear

, /
72
to belt smb
[belt]

73
marginally
[`mRGIn(q)lI]

74
bewilderment
[`bI`wIldqmqnt]
; ;
75
battered
[`bxtqd]
,
76
to spit
[spIt]

77
ladder
[`lxdq]

78
fit
[fIt]
,
79
giggle
[`gIgl]
;
80
double take

(

)
81
deference
[`def(q)r(q)n(t)s]
,
82
Athena the Huntress [q`TJnq Dq `hAntrqs] -
83
contemptuous
[kqn`temptjuqs]

84
to quip
[kwIp]
;
85
titter
[`tItq]

86
to wheedle
[`(h)wJdl]
;
87
prank
[prxNk]
, ;
88
to sack
[sxk]

89
to ride roughshod over smb. [`rAfSOd]
-.; -.;

-. ( -.)
90
to reveal
[rI`vJl]
;
91
scales
[skeIls]

92
flaw
[flL]
, ()
93
to to hold in thrall [TrLl]

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37

medium

PHRASAL VERBS: TO RUN

I Match the two parts of the sentences.

1. The big ship had to take urgent actions

2. You cant run off now,
3. Feeling ran so high among the students when
4. Im not in the habit of running to the Council with any suggestion for improving the town,
5. The news ran through the village,
6. Do you know that
7. Dont run at the angry animals,

a.
b.
c.
d.
e.
f.
g.

they cleared of the teachers dismissal.

this opera has been running from 1875.
better stop and wait for a while.
as they waited to hear about the future of their land.
just when I need you.
to avoid running down the little boat.
but this is one I feel you should consider.

to run at to move quickly on foot

in order to take action

II Choose the correct answer.

1. Its no use ______________ the teacher every time the other children behave
badly, she wont listen to you.
a. running to

b. running off

c. running at

2. Our dog was very fond of the family, nut had an unfortunate habit
of ______________ , so we had to spend a lot of money on fences to keep him safe.
a. running through

b. running high

c. running off

3. If you _____________ fence fast enough, you should be able to jump it.
a. run through

b. run at

c. run off

b. run from

c. run high

5. Opposition to the governments action is _______________ among the voter; it

would not seen wise to call an election now.
a. running through

b. running off

c. running high

6. This line of chalky soil ______________ all the gardens in the neighbourhood.
a. runs to

b. runs down

c. runs through

7. The daughter was ________________ by a car just outside their home.

a. run down

b. run through

c. run off

III Fill in the correct particle or preposition in the following sentences.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

Interest in the game has been running ___ this year.

The box is crusted; did something run it ___ ?
Ive had this tune running ____ my head.
My wife has run ___ and left me.
Dont run ____ me until your troubles!
The dog ran ___ the visitor and bit him.
The sale will run ____ next Monday.

Answers
I. 1) f; 2) e; 3) a; 4) g; 5) d; 6) b; 7) c;
II. 1) a; 2) c; 3) b; 4) b; 5) c; 6) c; 7) a;
III. 1) high; 2) down; 3) through; 4) off; 5) to; 6) at; 7) from;

38

to run down to knock down and

damage something or wound someone with a vehicle or ship

The poor boy has been run down by

a bus.

to run from (of a performance,

arrangement, etc) to continue, starting at (a date)
The play ran from 1951 to 1976.

4. Your payments will _____________ the first of the next month.

a. run down

The brave woman ran at her attacker

with a pair of scissors.

to run high to be excited,

powerful
The sales at this auction usually
dont run high.

to run off to escape as from

home or duty

Jim and Mary threatened to run off

to get married, if Marys father continued refuse his permission for the
wedding.

to run through to pass through

Youll see what I mean when you run

the film through the machine.

A WORD OF WISDOM

Better untaught than ill taught

to run to to complain to, to ask
for help, advice
She runs to the doctor with every little pain.

Top 10

d
e
k
a
N

R e a s o n s

To Go To Work

1
2
3
4
5
6
8
7
9
10

Your boss is always yelling, I wanna see

your ass in here by 8:00!
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to
work on your tan.
So that with a little help from Muzak you can
add Exotic Dancer to your exaggerated resume.
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking
down your blouse.
People stop stealing your pens after they ve seen
where you keep them.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also
came to work drunk.
You want to see if its like the dream.

Id love to chip in, but I left my

wallet in my pants.
Gives bad hair day a whole new
meaning.
No one steals your chair.

10

50 states of America

Benjamin Franklin Politician and Scientist

Uncle Sam

What is the American

Dream?39

Makes Me Wonder
[Verse]
I wake up with blood-shot eyes
Struggled to memorize
The way it felt between your thighs
Pleasure that made you cry
Feels so good to be bad
Not worth the aftermath, after that
After that
Try to get you back
[Bridge]
I still dont have the reason
And you dont have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

I want to dive into you

Forget what youre going through
I get behind, make your move
Forget about the truth
[Bridge]
I still dont have the reason
And you dont have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

[Chorus]
Give me something to believe in
Cause I dont believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
(Yeah)
So this is goodbye

[Chorus]
Give me something to believe in
Cause I dont believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And its over, hurt the feeling
But I dont believe its true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye

[Verse]
Got them resting in my head
Decisions that made my bed
Now I must lay in it
And deal with things I left unsaid

[Breakdown]
Ive been here before
One day a week
And it wont hurt anymore
You caught me in a lie

I have no alibi
The word is set on how to mean me
Cause
[Bridge]
I still dont have the reason
And you dont have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you
And I...and so this is goodbye
[Chorus]
Give me something to believe in
Cause I dont believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And its over, hurt the feeling
But I dont believe its true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye
So this is goodbye, yeah [x3]
(Oh no)

41