BODY Play Full Script

KAYCEE
FILSON
My Body is My Playground. Canvas. Outside. Prison. Tool. Library. Battleground.
Vehicle. Thrift Store. Instrument. Home. Nemesis. Machine. Point of Access.
Sculpting Clay. Anchor. Teacher. Ocean. Lightning Rod. Rival. Bouncy Castle. Fire.
Memory. Conduit. Challenge. Enemy. Emergency stash of weed that never gets
rolled. Honda Civic. Booty Clap. Duty. Temple. Container & bridge. Victim. Zoo.
Reminder. Celebration. Storyteller. Duty. Pleasure. Fuck Palace. Power House.
Playground. Best Frenemy. Archive. Secret Weapon. Phobia. Buddy. Windup Toy.
Neglected pile of laundry. Masterpiece in progress. Testimony. Space Ship. Gift.
Project. Adventure. Vehicle. Paradox. Best friend and my worst enemy. 3rd wheel.
1 Man Battleground. Freedom. Boyfriends playground. Resilient. Mad House.
Keeper. Pit bulls pillow. Space suit. Travel agentv. Map. Opportunity. Soul.
Limitation. 1st mate. Co-pilot. Sidekick. Semi-connected. Celebration. Dance.
Narrative. Truth. Cohort. Fortress. Frenemy. Realitys creator. Unattainable
obsession. Cats body. Instrument. Potential. Escape. Apologyv. Confidant.
Oracle. Brain container. Illusion. Map. Pain. Life. Canvas. Invisible. Book. Palace.
Best friend. Victim to the exercise. Bitch - It does what I want. . Multicellular
organism. Workshop. Force. Confident. Instrument. Identity. Inhabitation. Beloved
nemesis. Lovely. Lightning Rod. Mirror. Kaleidoscope. Starship. Property. Tool.
Quiet sister. Signal. Prison/Echo Chamber. Temple. Burden. Conduit. Genesis.
Planet. Teacher-friend. Vehicle for my mind. Sine Wave. Favorite. Own.
My Body is Strong. Fluid(ity). Loved. Fine. Me. Able to do what I need it

to do. A gift (and a curse). Healing. Inconvenient. Glad. A Lie. Makes me
who I am. Resilient. Trying to make it my own again. Getting there. A
Chicken (drawing of a chicken). Finite. Subject to a lot of my brains
bullshit. Capable and knows more than I do. Mine. Temporary. The
outward reflection of me. Somewhere there, somewhere else. A
chamber of echoes. The thing I cant control. Important. Full of chips.
Tiny(ier than myself). Greater than the sum of its parts.
Supernatural. Me. Placid. Theatrical. Muscular. Something I want my
brain to become one with. Full of unknown answers and secrets. Not
beautiful. A sponge absorbing all info. Young. A deep river. Sturdy.
Durable. Heals. Its a trap! Courageous. Valuable and worth
everything!. Machine, through which anything is possible. A
wonderland. Undefinable. Remembering itself. (Kaycees) Lollipop
Guild. Tough. Healing. A wall. A break away from the whole. Fucking
Human (you need to grow the fuck up). Best when shaking. Full of
energy and love <3. ME. Impeccable. Contingent. Soft.
PUBLISHERS NOTE
Located near the brackish waters of Alligator Bayou Swamp
in Ascension Parish, Louisiana, Next Left Press publishes
imperfect, handmade chapbooks using print methods and
materials that reflect both the content of the words as well as
the personality of the artist. Each book is unique, and all
Next Left titles are printed in limited-run editions. Any reprints or revised editions are made at the authors request.
Next Left Press does not profit in the sale of books. All profits
go directly to the artists because were artists, collaborating
with other artists, to create an enhanced reading experience.
We hope yall enjoy.
for more information, like our facebook page or email us at:
nextleftpress@gmail.com
My Body is My
PLAYGROUND. CANVAS. OUTSIDE. PRISON. TOOL. LIBRARY. BATTLEGROUND. VEHICLE. THRIFT STORE.
INSTRUMENT. HOME. NEMESIS. MACHINE. POINT OF ACCESS. SCULPTING CLAY. ANCHOR. TEACHER.
OCEAN. LIGHTNING ROD. RIVAL. BOUNCY CASTLE. FIRE. MEMORY. CONDUIT. CHALLENGE. ENEMY.
EMERGENCY STASH OF WEED THAT NEVER GETS ROLLED. HONDA CIVIC. BOOTY CLAP. DUTY.
TEMPLE. CONTAINER & BRIDGE. VICTIM. ZOO. REMINDER. CELEBRATION. STORYTELLER. DUTY.
PLEASURE. FUCK PALACE. POWER HOUSE. PLAYGROUND. BEST FRENEMY. ARCHIVE. SECRET WEAPON.
PHOBIA. BUDDY. WINDUP TOY. NEGLECTED PILE OF LAUNDRY. MASTERPIECE IN PROGRESS.
TESTIMONY. SPACE SHIP. GIFT. PROJECT. ADVENTURE. VEHICLE. PARADOX. BEST FRIEND AND MY
WORST ENEMY. 3RD WHEEL. 1 MAN BATTLEGROUND. FREEDOM. BOYFRIENDS PLAYGROUND.
RESILIENT. MAD HOUSE. KEEPER. PIT BULLS PILLOW. S PACE S UIT. TRAVEL AGENTV. MAP.
OPPORTUNITY. SOUL. LIMITATION. 1ST MATE. CO-PILOT. SIDEKICK. SEMI-CONNECTED. CELEBRATION.
DANCE. NARRATIVE. TRUTH. COHORT. FORTRESS. FRENEMY. REALITYS CREATOR. UNATTAINABLE
OBSESSION. CATS BODY. INSTRUMENT. POTENTIAL. ESCAPE. APOLOGYV. CONFIDANT. ORACLE.
BRAIN CONTAINER. ILLUSION. MAP. PAIN. LIFE. CANVAS. INVISIBLE. BOOK. PALACE. BEST FRIEND.
VICTIM TO THE EXERCISE. BITCH - IT DOES WHAT I WANT. . MULTICELLULAR ORGANISM. WORKSHOP.
FORCE. CONFIDENT. INSTRUMENT. IDENTITY. INHABITATION. BELOVED NEMESIS. LOVELY. LIGHTNING
ROD. MIRROR. KALEIDOSCOPE. STARSHIP. PROPERTY. TOOL. QUIET SISTER. SIGNAL. PRISON/ECHO
CHAMBER. TEMPLE. BURDEN. CONDUIT. GENESIS. PLANET. TEACHER-FRIEND. VEHICLE FOR MY MIND.
SINE WAVE. FAVORITE. OWN.
www.nextleftpress.com
STRONG. FLUID(ITY). LOVED. FINE. ME. ABLE TO DO WHAT I NEED IT TO DO. A GIFT (AND A CURSE).
HEALING. INCONVENIENT. GLAD. A LIE. MAKES ME WHO I AM. RESILIENT. TRYING TO MAKE IT MY
OWN AGAIN. GETTING THERE. A CHICKEN (DRAWING OF A CHICKEN). FINITE. SUBJECT TO A LOT OF
MY BRAINS BULLSHIT. CAPABLE AND KNOWS MORE THAN I DO. MINE. TEMPORARY. THE OUTWARD
REFLECTION OF ME. SOMEWHERE THERE, SOMEWHERE ELSE. A CHAMBER OF ECHOES. THE THING I
CANT CONTROL. IMPORTANT. FULL OF CHIPS. TINY(IER THAN MYSELF). GREATER THAN THE SUM OF
ITS PARTS. SUPERNATURAL. ME. PLACID. THEATRICAL. MUSCULAR. SOMETHING I WANT MY BRAIN TO
BECOME ONE WITH. FULL OF UNKNOWN ANSWERS AND SECRETS. NOT BEAUTIFUL. A SPONGE
ABSORBING ALL INFO. YOUNG. A DEEP RIVER. STURDY. DURABLE. HEALS. ITS A TRAP! COURAGEOUS.
VALUABLE AND WORTH EVERYTHING!. MACHINE, THROUGH WHICH ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. A
WONDERLAND. UNDEFINABLE. REMEMBERING ITSELF. (KAYCEES) LOLLIPOP GUILD. TOUGH. HEALING. A
WALL. A BREAK AWAY FROM THE WHOLE. FUCKING HUMAN (YOU NEED TO GROW THE FUCK UP).
BEST WHEN SHAKING. FULL OF ENERGY AND LOVE <3. ME. IMPECCABLE. CONTINGENT. SOFT.
My Body is
Thanks To
Zakiyyah Alexander, Geoff Munsterman, Lindsay Durbin, Jackie Schrauger,

Beck Cooper, Tom McDonnell, Kacey Skye Musick, Cameron-Mitchell Ware,
and, most importantly, everyone who told their story for this piece.
You are creatively created.

You are hand made like praying
You are a piece of the creator,
You
you human you.
And if you never knew that that was enough
to just be,
well you obviously don't know
a Goddamn thing.
BODY
PLAY
KAYCEE FILSON
MY BODY IS MY PLAYGROUND. CANVAS. OUTSIDE. PRISON. TOOL. LIBRARY. BATTLEGROUND.

VEHICLE. THRIFT STORE. INSTRUMENT. HOME. NEMESIS. MACHINE. POINT OF ACCESS. SCULPTING
CLAY. ANCHOR. TEACHER. OCEAN. LIGHTNING ROD. RIVAL. BOUNCY CASTLE. FIRE. MEMORY.
CONDUIT. CHALLENGE. ENEMY. EMERGENCY STASH OF WEED THAT NEVER GETS ROLLED. HONDA
CIVIC. BOOTY CLAP. DUTY. TEMPLE. CONTAINER & BRIDGE. VICTIM. ZOO. REMINDER. CELEBRATION.
STORYTELLER. DUTY. PLEASURE. FUCK PALACE. POWER HOUSE. PLAYGROUND. BEST FRENEMY.
ARCHIVE. SECRET WEAPON. PHOBIA. BUDDY. WINDUP TOY. NEGLECTED PILE OF LAUNDRY.
MASTERPIECE IN PROGRESS. TESTIMONY. SPACE SHIP. GIFT. PROJECT. ADVENTURE. VEHICLE.
PARADOX. BEST FRIEND AND MY WORST ENEMY. 3RD WHEEL. 1 MAN BATTLEGROUND. FREEDOM.
BOYFRIENDS PLAYGROUND. RESILIENT. MAD HOUSE. KEEPER. PIT BULLS PILLOW. SPACE SUIT. TRAVEL
AGENTV. MAP. OPPORTUNITY. SOUL. LIMITATION. 1ST MATE. CO-PILOT. SIDEKICK. SEMI-CONNECTED.
CELEBRATION. DANCE. NARRATIVE. TRUTH. COHORT. FORTRESS. FRENEMY. REALITYS CREATOR.
UNAT TAINABLE O B SES SION. CATS BO DY. INST R UMENT. P OTENTIAL. ESCAPE. AP OLO GY V.
CONFIDANT. ORACLE. BRAIN CONTAINER. ILLUSION. MAP. PAIN. LIFE. CANVAS. INVISIBLE. BOOK.
PALACE. BEST FRIEND. VICTIM TO THE EXERCISE. BITCH - IT DOES WHAT I WANT. . MULTICELLULAR
ORGANISM. WORKSHOP. FORCE. CONFIDENT. INSTRUMENT. IDENTITY. INHABITATION. BELOVED
NEMESIS. LOVELY. LIGHTNING ROD. MIRROR. KALEIDOSCOPE. STARSHIP. PROPERTY. TOOL. QUIET
SISTER. SIGNAL. PRISON/ECHO CHAMBER. TEMPLE. BURDEN. CONDUIT. GENESIS. PLANET. TEACHERFRIEND. VEHICLE FOR MY MIND. SINE WAVE. FAVORITE. OWN.
MY BODY IS STRONG. FLUID(ITY). LOVED. FINE. ME. ABLE TO DO WHAT I NEED IT TO DO. A GIFT
(AND A CURSE). HEALING. INCONVENIENT. GLAD. A LIE. MAKES ME WHO I AM. RESILIENT. TRYING TO
MAKE IT MY OWN AGAIN. GETTING THERE. A CHICKEN (DRAWING OF A CHICKEN). FINITE. SUBJECT
TO A LOT OF MY BRAINS BULLSHIT. CAPABLE AND KNOWS MORE THAN I DO. MINE. TEMPORARY.
THE OUTWARD REFLECTION OF ME. SOMEWHERE THERE, SOMEWHERE ELSE. A CHAMBER OF
ECHOES. THE THING I CANT CONTROL. IMPORTANT. FULL OF CHIPS. TINY(IER THAN MYSELF).
GREATER THAN THE SUM OF ITS PARTS. SUPERNATURAL. ME. PLACID. THEATRICAL. MUSCULAR.
SOMETHING I WANT MY BRAIN TO BECOME ONE WITH. FULL OF UNKNOWN ANSWERS AND SECRETS.
NOT BEAUTIFUL. A SPONGE ABSORBING ALL INFO. YOUNG. A DEEP RIVER. STURDY. DURABLE. HEALS.
ITS A TRAP! COURAGEOUS. VALUABLE AND WORTH EVERYTHING!. MACHINE, THROUGH WHICH
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. A WONDERLAND. UNDEFINABLE. REMEMBERING ITSELF. (KAYCEES) LOLLIPOP
GUILD. TOUGH. HEALING. A WALL. A BREAK AWAY FROM THE WHOLE. FUCKING HUMAN (YOU NEED
TO GROW THE FUCK UP). BEST WHEN SHAKING. FULL OF ENERGY AND LOVE <3. ME. IMPECCABLE.
CONTINGENT. SOFT.
28
NEXT LEFT PRESS

ASCENSION, LA
BODY Play
Printed in the United States of America by Next Left Press
Ascension, LA 70734
Copyright 2015 Kaycee Filson
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced
or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of
the author.
All monologues are the property of Kaycee Filson, Live Oak Collective, and
the original interviewees. Monologues are not to reproduced or performed
in any way without the authors express permission. For all questions
regarding BODY Play, please visit www.liveoaknola.org
Performing Arts copyright registered with Library-of-Congress
ISBN-13: 978-0-9962374-6-8
layout & book design by Geoff Munsterman
FIRST EDITION
Your heart,
your heart will beat over a million times in one lifetime.
I'm sure you'll find someone who won't mind skipping one for you.
Your left lung was made smaller than your right lung
just to make room for that very heart inside of you.
Your stomach needs to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks
or it would digest itself.
Listen never become complacent while living life on a shelf.
There's a reason for every limb and interaction
Body, my God, created like instrument.
Every year about 98% of the atoms in your body are replaced.
You were born with 300 bones,
when you get to be an adult, you have two hundred and six,
you need to grow the fuck up.
You need to grow out of things.
You need to keep on living.
There are too many more interesting lessons
Fifty million blood cells are destroyed in the human body every second.
If your body can get over it, you can get over that last relationship.
You gotta believe in your body.
You gotta believe in faith,
and you must believe in luck.
The surface of human skin is 6.5 square feet so you must toughen up.
The body
the body contains enough iron to make a three inch nail,
sulfur to kill fleas on an average dog,
carbon to make five hundred pencils,
fat to make seven bars of soap,
phosphorus to make twenty-two hundred match heads,
and enough water to fill a ten gallon tank
fuck a superhero - you are fucking human.
You are incredible.
You are a valuable life force.
You are a walking Picasso.
My Body Is My Thruft Store
Toughen Up
Poet
27
My Body is Me
Beautiful and Romantic and Tragic

and Hilarious and Meaningful
Acupuncturist
I love all the existential philosophers, you know Kierkegaard or Camus or Sarte, um,
like, life is inherently meaningless so thats why its our purpose to like, to give it
meaning, you know? So, so all of that like ego, or all those things that seem like,
Oh, its just me or like, Why is this important? or Its just my body, its not
gonna last or like, I mean it is, because thats, thats all you are, so it is vitally
important to you.
I mean Camus has the exact point: the only real, philosophical question is whether
or not to commit suicide. And if youre deciding to not commit suicide, and like get
out of bed in the morning, whatever youre reason is - thats it. You know? So if
you love music, if thats your thing, then like there you go. Thats your religion,
thats your like reason to live, and and to, um, and and to do what you do.
But everything is eventually just gonna turn to dust, um so we are, we are mortal
we have to like grapple with that. And thats whats so - thats whats so
romantic and beautiful about, whether its the- whether its um, the Mandala, the
Tibetan Mandala they make in sand and then it just sort of blows away, or even like
a theatrical performance, right? Like thats it. Its performed one time live and then
its gone, its in the wind, but there wa- whoever was there to kind of see it or
experience it, that was like what made it beautiful and valuable and so, so thats it!
This body that wont even be quite exactly the same tomorrow or in a year or
whatever, um, this is me. And it does this sort of incredible stuff of being able to
see, and perceive, and sense and like contemplate and feel, um, so so thats it. this
sort of sense of Brahman, this little shard of God thats in all of us, I mean, I dont
kn- do you call that the miracle of life? When these crazy human beings who are
just, like, a collection of cells and tissues and impulses, but, that can do all this
creative, terrible stuff - I mean, I think thats thats, like, beautiful and romantic and
tragic and hilarious and, like, meaningful.
And so this is- this is our sort of like fleeting moment. When our spirit inherits
something, and we get to like walk on earth, and we arent alive until we take that
first breath, and when we stop that last breath we sort of disappear and in
between, is our is our beautiful romantic play to fill with whatever we do, and all our
experiences have that value.
26
About BODY Play

BODY Play is a solo performance piece based on interviews conducted with people
about their relationships to their bodies. Now in its second iteration, BODY Play is an
ever-evolving project that explores the ways in which we reconcile personal identity with
our physical body; how we learn to inhabit our bodies, and discover what they are
capable of.
The project was initially conceived in 2010 as part of a college-level solo performance
class, but it was brought to life in New Orleans, in 2012, when Kaycee partnered with
local actress Kacey Skye Musick. Kaycee spent the summer of 2012 traveling up and
down the east coast conducting interviews with friends and family. Upon returning to
New Orleans, she reached out to acquaintances, poets, musicians, dancers and was
approached by some people who had heard about the project and wanted to tell their
story.
Kaycee and Kacey transcribed these interviews, selected complete excerpts from each
conversation, and worked to build them into a cohesive, 14-monologue, solo
performance piece. BODY Play premiered in the Fall of 2012 at the New Orleans Fringe
Festival, performed by Kacey Skye Musick and directed by Kaycee Filson, under the
name of their new performance collective: the Live Oak Collective.
Since then, Kaycee has performed BODY Play in Philadelphia and upstate New York as
part of solo performance festivals, an interdisciplinary performance series, and at
colleges and high schools. After each performance, Kaycee holds a talkback with the
audience to receive feedback about the piece, and audience members can sign up to
be interviewed. Since its premiere in 2012, the collection of interviews has grown from
14 to nearly 50, and includes a wide range of people varying in age, gender identity,
race, class, physical ability, and sexual orientation.
BODY Play is still growing and always seeks to be more inclusive and representative. If
you have a story to tell, or if you are interested in bringing BODY Play to you, please
contact Kaycee at: kaycee@liveoaknola.org or visit www.liveoaknola.org.
LIVE OAK COLLECTIVE
Mission Statement
The Live Oak Collective creates new work with women at the center as the primary
writers, directors, and performers. Live Oak challenges modes of conventional
playwriting by devising pieces that utilize interviews, poetry, dance, and an intensive
process of collaboration among our artists.!
Artistic Statement
The Live Oak Collective functions on the premise that theater is dialogue between
the actor and the audience, the collaborators of a piece, the performer and his/herself.
We believe in the power of theater to incite change, explore ideas, and initiate discussion.
By creating devised works in response to social, political, and theoretical ideas, Live Oak
seeks to create theater that is engaging, interactive, and accessible to a diverse
population. Because we believe that art can be made from anything, set pieces, props,
costumes, and modes of lighting are created primarily with found objects. We believe
strongly in the Artist as an Engineer, allowing the actions of the performer and the truths
found in the performance to inform the built environment.
All Day, Every Day

Newcomer
My Body Is My Vehicle
About Live Oak Collective
Um, in all of the teachings that weve had in medical training- in med school, um,
the similarities between one person to the next, if you look at a very basic level are
kind of mind boggling. And, um, the way, you know, if, if you look at the years and
years of research that people have done to, sort of, just look at enzymes in your
body and how, you know, for instance I mean I could-I could talk about anything
but um, you know, just looking at your digestive system and how that works,
um, how when different things are put into your interior GI tract, there are all these
chemical cascades that happen. And, you know, one- the fact that one thought, um,
to move your hand requires, you know, ions and electrical impulses that happen in,
you know, milliseconds. Um, and this is constantly happening. Somehow your lungs
know how to breathe, and your heart knows how to beat without putting any
thought into it, but at the same time, you can affect it by thinking. Um, theres just
so much thats happening all the time, um, and the complexity of that, and the
similarity between all of us is something that, um, is something thats incredibly cool
to me. Um, and, kind of, unbelievable when you, when you think about it from the
perspective of, you know, how, even with, complicated, scientific tools and test tubes
and reactions, you know, you- you cant even come close to duplicating what
happens in our body all day, every day. Um, I am still, awed by that.
www.liveoaknola.org
25
My Body Is My Instrument
American attitudes about death and about the- the human body, living and dead,
need to change, you know, but that's major to me, um, this, this terror of
decomposition. I think it goes hand-in-hand with the terror of aging, you know?
People are are so afraid of mortality, uh, there's this obsession with eternal life and
eternal longevity within that, you know, um, that I think is demented [Laughs] and
wrong. I mean I- I think certainly, um, one should try to maintain one's body so that
the maximum enjoyment can be taken from life, but I think that also an acceptance,
um, and even a sort of, um, appreciation for the processes of aging need to
become more central to our upbringing, you know? I mean, I think from a very
young age we need to be taught to not only respect the elderly but appreciate
them for being aged, and value that, um, otherwise I I fear what will happen to us
as a people. I mean, I already am terrified of what's happening, uh, to body image.
Theres this erasing of the elderly that I see taking place, you know, people are
living some people are living much longer and healthier lives than ever before,
but at the same time, uh, there's so little representation of what an aged face looks
like, of what an aged body looks like that is separate from a pathetic image, you
know, that is separate from a horrific image, um, or an image of burden, you know?
Um, and I think that's very problematic because age comes to us all, as does death,
and it's inevitable and I think that we will forever be um sort of tortured souls, you
know, if we can't, uh, embrace some of that.
24
WHEN IT FEELS GOOD

Performance Artist
YOU WOULDNT UNDERSTAND, YOURE WHITE!
Fine Artist
SOFT
MeMe
LITTLE WEIRDO
Lady Friend
SPECIAL GYM CLASS
Expressive Artist
BODY Play Is
It Comes To Us All
Puppeteer
300 POINTS!
Doofus
2
3
4
5
6
A LION'S CHASIN' ME
Family Man
DESPITE YOUR BODY

Giver
MY OWN FREE WILL

Architect
10
BETTY TERRAPIN
Feminist Blogger
12
NO APOLOGY
Dancer/Mother
13
RUSH OF EASE
Runner
15
STRIPES
Photographer
16
SKIN
Big Loser
17
NOW I DARE YOU TO MAKE FUN OF ME, IM FLY

Poet
18
19
PARADOX
Author
21
VANILLA SEX
Traveler
23
IT COMES TO US ALL
Puppeteer
24
ALL DAY EVERY DAY

Newcomer
25
BEAUTIFUL AND ROMANTIC AND TRAGIC AND HILARIOUS AND MEANINGFUL 26

Acupuncturist
TOUGHEN UP
Poet
27
My Body Is My Strong
IN FORM
Husband
Vanilla Sex
Traveler
At one point my mom and I were discussing victims of attack and she said, you
know, When, when people look for a victim they look to see that you're acting like a
victim, you know, you look like- you walk like a victim, whatever that means, And
you and I walk with purpose and we have a strength about us and we don't look like
victims. And I think I always sort of carried that with me and thought that I was
somehow immune to anything like this every happening, um, and obviously I'm not.
My boyfriend came out, uh, two days after the attack to stay with me for a week,
which was really, really amazing and he was fully prepared that there would be no
sex. Um, but I think I'm kind of a pusher, and I want to heal as fast as I possibly
can, and I wanna get back to me, so I wanted to. Um, the first time we did it was
very emotional and, um, I'll just tell you that he was on top and I was envisioning
that, were I to have been raped in that instance, that is the position that I would
have been in because I was on my back, um, at the point that he ran away. So my
reaction was to flip that over and take control of the situation sexually, um, which
helped. I think that I'm also needing to just be very safe and very comfortable and
not all, like, just vanilla. I need vanilla sex. But yeah, I think it's going to take a while
to get back to to me, to feeling safe, I mean I don't even feel safe during the day by
myself, um, and I'm scared all the time, and that makes me angry because I was
never scared before, probably to a fault. So I think that, mmm, it seems that New
Orleans is trying to teach me a couple lessons, um, I'm not Superman and I need to
be more aware and I need to be more conscious of my surroundings and I need to
realize that I am able to be hurt.
[Kaycee asks question]
Hmm. That's really hard to answer.
My body, is my [Long pause] My body is... it's strong. My body is strong.
23
initially be attracted and and wanna, like, overlook this part, but this gets in the
way, like, and Im not fertile. Im not a baby producer, you know, Im not an
earner, and that sounds sort of crude but you know the evolutionary scheme of
things, um, whether people admit it or not, you know, a lot of people are looking
like every female person Ive gone out with or whatever went on to get married and
have children and all that sort of stuff, which kinda hurt, you know? But its justthats what happens. I just sort of just keep to myself, so I dont even try and play
the game anymore, you know, the- the hunting game, and sometimes people will
come to me, and like Id have to- I dont know, I just wouldnt know where to begin,
you know what I mean? So, so thats sort of the regret.
22
For Jackie, in whom I always find home
My Body Is My Nemesis
Paradox
Author
Yeah, uh, um, so Ill be 48 on March 8th, I was hurt in a skiing accident twoooo
weeks shy of my 17th birthday, February 22nd 1982. So. 31 years, um, in the
paralysis kind of realm of things. Um, so what you see is sort of, you know, I roll
around, I do things on my own, um, I dont need an electric wheel chair, you know,
Im pretty, alive, uh considering 31 years, which is pretty good, like I think I look
alright, you know, um, so and just so it was just a basic, um, just a breaking of the
neck there are these cervical bones in your neck, I kinda crushed the sixth one,
shattered the fifth one. Where a break occurs is what decides whats gonna
happen. So in other words, my fingers dont work, if that had been a half an inch
lower, my fingers would work. If it had been the middle of my back, Id be
paraplegic probably, so anything below the nipple line I cant really feel,
sensation-wise, so its tricky because it looks like Im much more c- uh, capable
than I really am just in terms of physicality, you know,? Ultimately I think about 85%
of my body is paralyzed one way or the other, even internally, you know its sort of,
so there are like incontinence issues, whatever! I mean, I have no control, really,
over anything.
You gotta remember in my case, which makes this interesting probably to you is
that, um, I was sixteen, just shy of seventeen, and Id never gotten laid. You know?
Id never driven a car, Id never had a family, I never did all of those things, you
know it pisses me off now that I n- you know I was doing one life, and then
it just stopped, in, in, uh the amount of time it took for me to tumble down a hill, so,
so I was I look at is as I was killed, essentially, and then reborn. I had to become
something else- same person, but you evolve into a different, you know, I had to
adjust.
And this is what I thought about this: I can look in a mirror and think that Im
beautiful, right, to look at. Other people say like, Youre a good-looking guy, or
whatever, but that actually makes it worse. You see, like, if I were what people
expect if I were in a sort of different position, if I was drooling, or I had
cerebral palsy, or something m-more of a- but if Im, if I present as, uh,
charismatic, or interesting, intelligent- everybody would tell me y-you know youve
got all these attributes, it it makes it, i-it made it harder because the paradox is: I
can have all those things but it doesn't matter, you see what I mean? Yeah. So that
was the killer for me f-until I wasforty, you know and I just felt- I went through
various relationships but, um, you know, I mean, women in their late twenties, early
thirties, that I, you know, they would only go to a certain point. Because they would
21
300 Points!
Doofus
So its really hard for me to know and have experienced revealing this to people
that I care about deeply, for them to be confused about my motivation, and no
matter how well I explain it, which is really minute Im a straight man, that likes
being a woman in form, and attitude, and theres a feminine aspect of my persona.
And thats another thing that gets them tripped up is like, Im not me in a dress, I
am this female me. The few times Ive explained it to people its really blown up in
my face. Ive had very wonderful, very trusting relationships thrown back at me not
soon after Ive said that. Its not enough for other people to accept that I just like
doing it. Theres a read into it. So, yeah, its a mess.
Or do you want this to be, like, spur of the moment. Do you like-
Okay, excellent.
Could- actually- could I take one minute to write a few things down?
No, I mean I can,like, talk while I write too, but, I just likeI just like write down the categories, honestly. Just so that I can like-
My Body Is My Playground
feel represented. And I dont want to be an activist, and I dont want to explain
myself, and I hate it, and Ive suppressed that for a really long time, and I probably
will continue to suppress it except for now my wife wants me to work on, uh,
expressing myself, and its very weighty. Because as a man, dressing as a woman,
youre either an acceptable drag performer, you are a cross-dresser, or you are
largely just a freak.
Okay, but you just explained in my nature that Im going to feel inclined to pursue all
three.
But its true! I want to pursue all three.
Its at this point in the interview that I would like to point out the substances on the
table because, I tell you, this began long ago.
We have here the, uh, the Kenmore Series Mason Jar, uh, this is a small one right
here, though. This is the Atlas Series. Uh,12 ounce. 12 oz mason jar going for 300
points! Ha ha! Uh, then we have the Laganitas California IPA, an excellent blend of
hops, a little bit malty. Oh Im just kidding, theres no malt. Fuck Malt. Malts an
asshole.
Malt is such an asshole.
Oh yeah?
Im a big fucking fat ass. The camera takes off fifty pounds. Ninety pounds. I weigh
300 points, Bob!
Okay, um, so I was, like, listening and thinking while you were listing the categories,
but can you just tell me what the three are.
Youre fucked up
Shes so fucked up.
Okay.
Oh, yes, yes. That was the other one.
That word will inspire meto buy property. Alright, lets get started [Laughs]
Um, can I do the first time fully-inhabited?
20
My Body Is My Teacher
My Body Is My Duty
When It Feels Good

Performance Artist
In Form
Husband
In that four years I started- [Laughs] I slept with a woman for the first time, and,
um, had my first like real big, like crazy orgasm. And that was fucking awesome.
And it changed everything again, you know? And I started exploring my body in
different ways again, um, and, uh, you know, what I means to feel good with another
person, and with myself, and all those things. And, um, like, you know [Laughs
and bats the camera away] I don't know... Um, the work, okay, like so the show that
I was talking about earlier, that I did, like, another part of it is about female
ejaculation, and I feel like that's a part, part of the way that I've reclaimed my body
in some ways. So [Laughs] realizing that, um, I could ejaculate as a woman, um,
was a pretty huge step in me reclaiming my body.
Ive always hated the way I look, and the times I appreciate how I look, slowly
started with my body. I accepted my masculine body, and my muscles, especially
when I started playing sports and we would do these stretches where you lean
forward, and you switch to stretch your calves, and you get to see this awesome
Im gonna try and do it [Gets up and stretches] Um, its like this. You put one leg
behind the other, and this usually catches the sunlight really dramatically, and you
see your thighs flexed, which you usually dont see when youre walking, and you
see a curve in your calf that you usually dont see unless youre running, and its
really aesthetically pleasing, and then you can feel muscles in your arm stretching
to your back, and you feel a greater connectiveness to your whole body that is
a great feeling. And thats when I started to own my body as a masculine body. And
then I started appreciating my masculine jaw, the nose, the- my face, and those are
times that I actually inhabit my body and I enjoy it.
Because it's like this, um, for me, men- when we talk about orgasms for me, we talk
about this, sort of, physical manifestation of their orgasm. We don't talk about that
with women's orgasms. Unless you're looking at porn, and then it's speculated as
to whether or not it's actually cum or if it's pee, or if it's whatever, because God
forbid a woman actually have an orgasm with- with some kind of physical remnant
to it. Because that's what men do, that's not what women do. Or there's this
mystique around the- the female orgasm. And we're you know- Does the G-spot
really exist? No, it doesn't. Neither does the clit actually, don't know if you knew
that.
Um, you know, when I started having, like, this physical manifestation of my
orgasms after being pre-orgasmic and also dealing with flashbacks and difficulties
in coming to understand myself sexually. Um, I, uh, I felt that was me sort of taking
back, in some ways, um, the years of me not being able to inhabit my body. Not
being able to trust my body, to know my body, to feel my body without feeling
shame. Or to, um, to experience my body as a pleasure center. Um, and, you know, I
had some people like, people that I had slept with be like, you know, freaked out by
it or, like, grossed out by it, or whatever. And, I had a lot of people who loved it,
right? Still to this day, like, whatever. But, it was still one of those things that, you
know, in- in the process of figuring it out, like, some of the people are going to hate
this and think it's gross, or whatever that was my way of being like, you know
what? Fuck you. Like, if you can't handle what my body does when it feels good.
Uh, the other time that I inhabit my body, its a lot more complicated because, I hate
it for exactly its masculine attributes, because those are times when Im trying to
bend my sex, and fit into a cross-dressing, drag persona, and its really hard, with
my shoulders, and my waist, and my masculine jaw, and all these features
except for my legs all these features that are really very masculine inhibit that.
When Im trying to fit into a really nice dress, or when Im trying on a wig thats
purpose-built to hide my jaw, and to cover my brow, and trying on makeup you feel
all of these artifices, and just your- you realize that you yourself are false and I feel
really ugly, and I feel hideous. The times where its best are when Im just looking
down, and I can fool myself for a little bit, but then you feel the weight of the false
breast forms, and you feel the weight of the makeup, and you realize that this isnt
like a Beyonce song where I just woke up like this, this is I just spent half a day
on this and now Im gonna stay home because going out is too much of a
complicated persona to own, uh, that being a straight man and wanting to crossdress, it brings up the Maybe youre just doing this for a gag, or all those other
complicated public perceptions that I was talking about earlier.
I dont like cross-dressing as a man. I want to inhabit a female body. Not be- I dont
want to be a woman. I love being a man. And theres a thrill to define your sex, and
for- even for a moment, deluding yourself or other people that youre a woman. But
going outside, in a dress and makeup, isnt possible for me Ive done it a few
times, at safe places, but it still elicits questions or, at the very least, comes with a
large package of assumptions, one way or another, that dont fit me. And I dont
19
And then this, this, this- and another thing was this, um, this booty! I always
wanted a big old behind, especially being an African American woman that is
something that is crowned and trophied in the, in the, um, in the community.
And for me to grow up, and even my older sister to grow up without, um, no
behind, my momma never understood why that was so important, you know? I
used to be like, Man I'm gon- I'm gonna stuff my pants with, um, with a shirt.
I'ma do this, or I'ma do that, or I may get me some injections, or something like
that, and, um, my mom just never understood. I'm like, You don't understand
'cause you got a ass, Ma. You have a behind. And they never understood how
it could really play a role on how you feel about yourself, because I used to, um,
in Middle School I used to wear sweaters, I used to wear sweaters and jackets
in New Orleans it's so hot, but I used to wear those, just to cover up my
behind. When I'm walking and, um, a dude, say a dude is walking, um, I'm justI'm walking, a dude is looking at me if he walking towards me dude's like to
do things like this [Demonstrates walk] to look at your behind! And so I be
walking and, um, I turn around like this - What you looking at? What you
looking at? [Laughs] Just so they wouldn't be looking at my behind, you know?
And, um, 'cause I'm like, Ooh once they see my behind, then, um, they're not
gonna follow through with the hollerin at me, you know, like, so, um, that was
something I really had to deal with. Still kinda dealing with it, but definitely
nowhere near like I was, you know? I- before I use- the shirt gotta be covering
the behind, gotta wear something that's not showing out, wear some tights, I
just had on a lotta things, you know. Um, cause- its not completely gone, 'cause
I still be like, Damn I wish I had- Dang, or, um, even dating someone, never
wanting them to touch my behind. Never. And, you know ,you got a dude, he
wants to touch it, but I dont, Don't touch it! I be- I kiss a dude, he touch my
butt, and I be kissing him, and take his hand off my ass at the same time! So of
course that's going to...mess up the moment. [Laughs] But, um, I've definitely,
um, grown to appreciate it. [Corrects self] Accept it. Accept it, I still gotta
appreciate her, you know, but, um, I accept her, for who she is, with a flat ass.
[Laughs]
18
You Wouldnt Understand, Youre White!

Fine Artist
My Body Is Loved
Now I Dare You To Make Fun of Me, I'm Fly

Poet
I, um, Ive always felt really heavy growing up cause, I mean, Im Asian but Im like
a really big Asian [Laughs] Like, I grew up in Hong Kong so everyone was like this
tall and like this skinny, um, and I would like go into stores and I would like Oh I like
that shirt, and my mom would be like Thats not going to fit you, or shell be like
Excuse me, do you have like an extra extra large? [Laughs] and I would get like
the largest size and sometimes it wouldnt even fit me, but thats like basically how I
grew up is just feeling like I was too large for where I was. And then I come to the
U.S. and Im, like, Im average, which is great, but still. Its like its always been stuck
in my head that Im, like, too big to be who I am.
Um, but yeah I mean I identify as an Asian American woman, uh, uh I didnt really
think about my race until I was made to think about it. I think it was Sophomore
year of college, there was a hate crime around some Korean Americans, and I
heard about it and I was really upset, and then I was like Oh well why am I upset?
It didnt happen to me, and then my roommate was like Why are you upset? It
didnt happen to you, and I was like You wouldnt understand, youre
white! [Laughs] Its like the moment I realized that this is upsetting to me because
its my racial group, and like, this could happen to me, it could happen to anybody I
know whos not white, or like any Asian person that I know, um, and thats the
moment when it really freaked me out cause I realized that I wasnt a person, that I
was a person in part of a group. And I think thats like what people talk about all
the time, is like White Privilege, is that you are an individual, um, whereas people of
color often come to the realization that theyre not a person, until be- because
there are these barriers, and there are these like, like prejudices and things that
really get in the way if youre a person of color, so um, once I had like the language
for that and the understanding then it definitely changed my perspective of who I
was. Um, so like, when my husband and I started dating sometimes Id say to
him like Wouldnt it be so much easier if you were just dating a white girl? So you
dont have to deal with all these, like, issues that I have, like being angry, and like
being upset, or like being sensitive to like where I am? Like, if there are no Asians
in the room, Im like Oh, Im the only Asian, or you know just certain things you
dont think about if youre the majority. So. So yeah. Um, but, you know, you do
whatchya do. [Laughs]
My Body Is My Messiah
Im so shy, its gonna be so hard

Im gonna start with the first one: I have the perfect MeMe body. Perfect.
My body- I have the perfect body for a grandmother, because my grandson loves
my boobies, and he loves my upper arms, and he loves my thighs, and my stomach,
everything soft.
And so I watch him with his mom and he loves the same things on her.
And so I was telling him I was going exercising, and I was working out, and trying to
lose weight, and he said Dont do that MeMe, your boobies will go
away! [Laughs]
So a two-year old boy is talking about my boobies Why is he obsessed with
boobies? And so Im watching him lay with his mom and I say What are you
doing? and he says These are my booby pillows! And so it all makes sense!
When he comes to me, he wants me soft.
And so I thought that thats what it means to be loved. I mean those are the same
parts that his grandfather likes!
And I used to feel bad because I felt like they were too big, but now I feel like I dont
give a fuck!
So its like I try to be healthy, I try to live a healthy life, eat healthy food, but I, if my
boobies, or my butt, or my tush is big, thats okay. If its good enough for the
people that I love, this body, its great for them.
I feel like finally, at 56, I love the body that I have.
Skin
Big Loser!
Soft! !
MeMe
So, it all started with my boobs. And it's gonna end with my boobs. And, even, I got
to have, um, skin surgery for free. Um, and it was going to be in three different
sections, and they were going to do my torso, and my chest first. And, I had five
pounds of skin, uh, just, like, around my belly. And, so, went to have this surgery,
and, all I've wanted is to not have man boobs. And, that is what has defined my
body. And my lack of, um, being able to accept myself. Um, and, um, I got to surgery
day, had the surgery. I had done such a good job of losing weight, that I would have
stood the risk of losing too much blood if they did both my stomach and my chest
at the same time. So, we didn't do it. So, I was left with five less pounds of skin
around my stomach, but still had my man boobs. I was told right before I went into
surgery. And, um, it was the first thing I asked about when I came out of surgery.
And, it was devastating. And, it still, like, I have always tugged at shirts, I've always
just, like, worn way too much clothes. I was 350 pounds, I lived in Texas, I mean, I'd
wear cardigan sweaters in the summer time. Which is just insane. And just that
inability to accept that this is my body. And, it's much more visible to someone, a
person wearing a sweater in the dead of summer than some man boobs. And, like,
you know, if people do notice, it's like, Oh, yeah, that's a fat man with boobs.
Thinking about myself again. Doing whatever the hell I'm doing. You know? And,
and having it just, like, register in my mind, that's it's not the only thing that other
people think about. It's just wild, no one really gives a shit about anyone else
besides themselves that much. And if it, it's for like seconds. And, uh, that's kind of
helped me, a little bit. Um, close that gap between my body and my identity. And
just like being like, Dude, you're worrying about yourself. No one else is. And, if
they are. Then fuck it. Um, but it's not worth this, this, being uncomfortable all the
time, like living in New Orleans now, it's just not fucking worth it. And, so like I've
just let the titties fly. And, it's hard. It's really hard to do.
17
My Body Is Healing
My Body Is My Canvas
Stripes
Photographer
Little Weirdo
Lady Friend
I remember whenever I first developed stretch marks, oh my god! It was bad.

Cause I was like what are these wormsthat are on my body? [Laughs] What are
these termites[Laughs] that are growing inside of my skin?! And I was like,
How do you get rid of this? And I remember for the life of me, like, I was like
religiously putting like cocoa butter on them, cause you know, like, you know, thats
what they say, Just put cocoa butter on it, itll go away!
A lot of times people will talk- other trans women will talk about like- Well, I mean,
we were all guys here at some point, and, like, that was never really true for me.
And, I was- I remember now what I got distracted from earlier- I, um, I was really
androgynous at best, uh, so I did not transition in that way, and other trans women
tend to assume that all women transition the way that they did. I dont come from a
background of secrecy about my identity. I didnt have to like start the agonizing
process of growing out my hair. Like, none of that stuff. I didnt have to, like, learn
how to put on my makeup or any of that stuff, so I learned how to put on my make
up with other girls when I was 13. It was totally normal. Its when I started shaving
my legs and doing my eyebrows. It was, like, it was normal, except that I was, like,
you know hella goth. So, otherwise normal! It wasn't abnormal in that I was- I
learned as a male person learns, it was abnormal because I was a little weirdo.
That shit dont go away!

If you gain weight you get them, if you lose weight you get them, so its like either
you way you gonna get em! And so I was like, There has to be a solution to this
prob- this epidemic! [Laughs] So, like, I just remember just li-like, I got every form
of cocoa butter you could think of: I got cocoa butter in the stick, I got the lo- the
big-ass cocoa butter lotion, there was like a sm- a small jar of cocoa butter,
anything you think could work to remove stretch marks, Derma, anything just to get
rid of them, and I was like, Well I guess this aint gonna happen, you know? And it
just, it just never happened, you know, and whats interesting is that for the longest
time I thought I was the only person with stretch marks. Its like whenever you get
your period, right, its like, Oh, Im obviously the only person who has a period,
but every woman around you experiences this shit, like, you know what I mean? And
its like, I just I just wish it wasnt like a taboo thing, like I wish we didnt hide thatthat part. And its also bac- like you know we were talking about societal norms and
what people perceive as feminine versus not, and um, and it wasnt until like I
started just talking to my friends about them and theyre like, Girl-, or, do you
know what it was? It was, I think we were like at the beach or something and they
had their bathing suits on, and their stretch marks was like, on fleek, and I was like,
So you just not, youre not embarrassed by that? And theyre like, For what?
Like this is, girl look, these are my stripes.
It was funny. People regularly ask me how I came out. I didnt have a good
relationship with my dad before he died, and people always say, like, Oh, did he
not accept you? And, its like, Wow, no he did not notice. Like, nobody noticed!
My-my-my mother didnt notice. Um, any deliberate changes that I made in how I
presented myself, um, I mean, I couldnt get people to notice a fucking hair cut. I
mean, it wasnt like, And no one could tell! It was just- it was just that no one, uh,
was going to question it, because it seemed normal. Particularly, because I wasnt,
like, always in dresses with red lipstick on. It was, like, That girl is fat and weird.
And, we like hersometimes.
And I was like, yeah. These are my stripes. And that kind of like [snaps], youre just
a woman. You know, youre not- you cant keep that fifteen year old body forever,
you know what I mean? And thats just what it is, and um, and then different like
movements kind of happened after that. Like, a friend, um, she showed me, like,
this campaign about women and stretch marks, you know, like just this idea of like,
its normal, you know, and it just kind of gi- it gave me a better sense of my body
and also just the fact that Im not, Im not different. My bodys not different, its
nothing that Ive done wrong to it, it just happened. Its normal. And um, yeah.
16
My Body Is My Outside
I went to elementary school, and it was a school that, um, had a strong athletic
program, and, like, they placed a lot of importance on it. But, you know, like, here I
am - you know, like, in third-second, third, fourth grade - and I had special gym
classes that I would go to because I was so bad in gym class. I didnt, I didnt, like,
have, good, like, good motor skills. And, you know, was, like, really bad at throwing
and catching things. I was really bad at playing group sports. So, they would take
me out of class when everyone else was watching movies, and I would, like, go to
the gym, and they would, like, try and teach me extra skills. They would just, sort of,
try to make me feel better about it, even though, I just kind of did it. I just kind of
went along with it at the time. I think, at the time, no one ever really explained why
this was happening, and I guess I never really asked. I guess, I was kinda troubled
that I didnt get to watch a movie. I had to go back to gym instead, um, but they
would - they told me, like, it was because different parts of your body are growing
at different rates. That was just sort of a funny thing to be told as child, like,
different parts of your body are growing at different rates, so youre going to, like,
come to special gym classes. I-I just sort of didnt think about my body. It wasnt
something that I felt, um, specifically bad about, it was just sort of like, whatever,
Im just not going to think about that.
Rush of Ease
Runner
My Body Is My Battleground
Special Gym Class

Expressive Artist
Um, while you're running, especially if you, like, go at a certain pace or do it hard
enough and, um, like, those endorphins are real. They do, like, its- they're physical
and its, like, hormonal and you can explain it with science but, um, that doesn't
really matter when, like, all of a sudden you have this moment of, like, of pure joy
when you can just, like, forget about everything that may be bothering you. You get
to the top of a hill and it's been terrible the whole way up, your legs burn, and
you're out of breath, and youre, like, coughing up all of the mucus in your lungs
and, like, hacking it to the side of the road, and sweating - sweating your ass off and, um, you, like, get to the top of the hill and you're like, Should I stop and
stretch? I kinda wanna stop and stretch. I wanna stop, and you're like No, and
you crest, and as you, like, come up to the top of it you're you're able to pick up
the pace, and then you sort of coast, and then as you're starting to go down its
like something [Snaps] clicks and theres, like, you feel a rush of, like, ease, of
calm, of it being, like, everything being okay and, like, joyful. And the moment- like,
then the movement of running, like, what was pain in your legs becomes pleasure.
Like your legs themselves feel pleasure, it's not like in my head I'm feeling this
pleasure, I'm feeling happy, it's like there is a sensation in my legs and like they are
happy to be going fast and they want to go faster. Like to realize that like your toes
have knowledge in them, you know? Your toes know everything about this area
that, like, you don't know up here unless you look down. Like, you are like
experiencing and thinking, like, in every cell of your body and if youre, like, tuning
all of that out, how much of your thought process and, like, intelligence are you just
like not tapping into? If youre, like, if you have this amazing sensory, uh, tool, this
whole big organ that, like, knows, and explores, and can like question, and learn,
and give back to you, if you're tuning that out, like, how- how well can you be
thinking about things?
15
[Small laugh] Thats the end of that story.
My Body Is My Prison
And I suppose I felt the irony of feeling like you want your body to represent the
heroic things it can do and that should look thin, but pregnancy is a heroic thing
that your body can do and it looks different it doesn't necessarily look not
thin, it just organizes itself differently to do this heroic act and I felt like as, as
like honoring this life that didn't get to be but that was in me for a little while,
there was just no room to hate it. There was just no room. There was only room
to really glory in what this body could do, I think.
A Lion's Chasin' Me
Family Man
I thought I did the most important thing and that was work to try and support my
family and, unfortunately, in supporting them and working that hard I ended up
losing them. All I had to show for it was three wonderful children, of course, a
second ex-wife, and a lotta pain, limited mobility and being handicapped. I had to
learn how to be a handicapped person, it doesn't just come to you, oh, okay,
today I am now handicapped, so let's move on from here, it's it's a learning
process. I- I mentioned before there are certain things that I know not to do, uh,
because I know what the reaction will be, how my body will react to it. Um,
somebody asked me if I could run. Yeah, I could run a lion's chasin' me or
something I'm gonna run um, but if the lion doesn't kill me then I would end up
paying for it a lot.
Prison, because I have to do what it will allow me. It's, I don't have the reign of it,
uh, it has the reign on me because I cant control aspects of it. I force it to do
things, uh, like going to work. It's not a lotta hours or anything, um, I force it to do
that and try to do everything that my body will allow and would not allow, but I can't
push too much or else it gets to a point where I can't do anything.
Unfortunately things, uh, life didn't ask me what I wanted so, um, the whole
marriage fell apart it's not what I wanted, to this day it's not what I wanted. So
she's remarried and living out in California now and sounds happy so I'm happy for
her, um, like I said, if it were up to me that's not the way it would be, even today, so,
I really don't have anywhere else to go with that.
14
My Body Is A Lie
My Body Is My Library
Despite Your Body

Giver
No Apology
Dancer/Mother
So in Middle School my nickname was Duff which stands for Designated Ugly Fat
Friend. So I knew pretty much from 6th grade on that I was worthless when it
came to, like, sexual desirability, and I was okay with that because- I don't know why
I was okay with that. I think I needed to be okay with that in order to just, like, move
through puberty.
We decided to try to have another child. We finally got to a place where we

wanted to do that and just recently I conceived. And s- I was, um, gonna do this
residency and I felt like, um, let's see I was pregnant for fourteen weeks and I
was gonna go and do this thing and I was really having a hard time thinking that I
was gonna be kinda like a fatty, preggy lady, especially when you're fourteen
weeks pregnant, you're not really unless you tell anyone you're pregnant you
don't look pregnant pregnant yet. So I was just feeling I- ahh, I just feel like a fat
preggy lady! Thats okay, you're not fat and preggy, it's okay to be pregnant,
people can be pregnant, women can be pregnant, it's okay!
I really struggled with my body back then. I remember I would, like, fantasize a lot
about like taking scissors to my fat rolls. Id be like in Math class daydreaming
about, like, taking giant scissors and just cutting it off and how good that would feel
and like freeing up myself, this, like, thin woman trapped inside of me.
Um, yeah, coming into High School I was completely sure that I was undesirable,
um, and then I was lucky to meet my high school boyfriend, who was wonderful to
me. With him it was always like, Youre a wonderful person, I love your personality,
and I love you despite your body, um, and that, at the time, was the most amazing
thing anyones ever said to me. Like, You have this handicap, but Im gonna love
you despite it. I just remember thinking, like, how fucking romantic that is. And
now, now looking back on that, god! He loved me despite my body! Thats, like,
horrible! Now if somebody said I love you despite your body, Id write a poem
about it. [Laughs]
And then, a boyfriend that I had when I was living in South Africa said I love you,
and I love your body, and your stomach, its big, and when I see your body it makes
me think of, like, your potential to give birth, and you look like a mother, and I love
that about you, and I thought Wow, thats the new most romantic thing anyone
has ever said to me, and now Im like, Well fuck that! Im like My bodys not for
you! My body is so much more than just a baby-maker, and like I- I dont know if
its possible to ever be in a relationship with somebody who genuinely loves my
body, but now Im not willing to put up with the- the bullshit excuses. Yeah.
I dont know if its possible for anyone to genuinely be attracted to my body. [Long
pause] I dont know. Thats a really sad thing to realize.
Yeah, she was the closest that I ever came to being in a relationship with somebody
who I felt really was attracted to me, but I really pushed her into telling me how she
honestly felt. I was like There was never a time when you, like, knew that I was fat
and had to, like, overcome that in your mind? And she was like, To be honest,
when I first met you it- I was aware that you were overweight and there was part of
8
And just before I left I miscarried. And it was way into it, I mean, it wasnt, like, a
little miscarriage, like my body's really pregnant here, and I've really lived
through a lot of nausea, and I've really gained not tons of weight but some
weight, and now this thing that I thought I had to kind of apologize for I don't
have it anymore. But I actually have a pregnant body, and now I can't say, I'm
pregnant, that's why I'm like this! Not that I would even defend it, so, now I
don't, and so now I have this private relationship to my own body in grief and...
what do I do? Just what do I do? How do I feel about that? How do I go about it?
And here's my body an- and every day I was bleeding a little bit, 'cause that's
what you do after you miscarry is you just kinda continue to bleed, and it wasn't
like I was gushing or anything but I was having this incredibly deep private
experience of grief and blood and j- just kind of looking at my body in the mirror
in a way that I feel like I'd never looked at my body in the mirror- and was, for the
first time, was like, Look at your beautiful body. Look at, look at this body that
held that baby. Nobody in this room knows that that's what this body was doing,
and this body can still do all this other shit, I can still teach all these students I
can still do a fucking handstand for a long time, but look at what these boo like,
it wasn't even like it was my own body. It still feels like, even now I'm still, two
weeks after dancing a lot it feels more like my own familiar body but it's still a
different body. It's a body that was doing something that I wanted so much to do,
that had so much value to me, to to be growing a baby and I felt like I got into
the first kind of a really deep place without apology. It's like even like, You're
fat, it's like you're not fat, that's not fat, what is this? This is a nest. This is a
home for a baby. This is what your body can do, and it didn't end up doing it but
you have no apology for how you are. What a privilege it is to have your body
alter for a larger project than your own body image, from what it can do, you
know?
13
My Body Is My Tool
Betty Terrapin
Feminist Blogger
Sexuality is definitely another area where it's changed and and shifted over time
because of my body's form- like Im a blonde girl with big boobs and a big butt, you
know, and I talk about that a lot today in terms of, like, how it impacts how my
students see me, like, it instantly made me, when I was like 11, 12, 13, into a
sexual person long before I really felt that for myself, you know? Um, crushes on
boys sure, but seeing myself as a sexual being was sort of thrown on me and then
something that I sort of felt like I had to take the mantle up on or else it was too
shameful, you know? And I don't, I wonder about how differently things would have
gone if maybe I had developed at a normal rate. Like, would I have had an eating
disorder? Probably, but um, I wonder about that, like, if I hadn't been so sexualized
because of my body shape and stuff from such a young age I wonder if that would
have gone differently. I remember being in a play in sixth grade, and the part was
not written for me, but when I met the woman who had written the play this was a
play written for children, set in, like, the 1920's in a nightclub, and I played a
nightclub singer, I forget my name but it was some ridiculous name, you know like
Betty Terrapin or something ridiculous, but, um, I had on this blue sequin dress and
stuff, which would be really cool today, I wish I'd kept that, um, and there was a line
in it that was like, Oh she's got a voice like an angel but a body built for sin, and I
didn't know what that even really meant. Like, I knew that it was sort of dirty, but I
didn't really connect what that meant, and what that meant about my body, and why
the woman that wrote the play then met me and was like, Oh she's perfect! Like,
at 11, 12 years old like I was already being very consciously sexualized. And that's
a small example and, like, not one that was meant with anything hurtful, but I
wonder how differently my process of getting to be at peace with my body and and
all that would have gone if I hadn't had that period of time where it was just like
constantly being sexualized. I think all girls go through that at some extent and it's
really unfortunate because that's just how we decide to make girls women - to
make them feel ashamed about the fact that they are women.
12
me that wondered what my family would think dating a fat person and, um, I was
insecure about it. And it was this really crazy moment for me where I was like
shes the sweetest, most wonderful human being, she is so- so fuck-the-status-quo,
and she is so queer in every sense of her being, and even this person sees my
weight as a handicap or as like something to overcome. So now, I think when I say
I dont think its possible for anyone to genuinely be attracted to me, I- I call on
that, and I think like, Even her, you know?
I think the only thing that keeps me, like, hopeful is that I do believe that there are
people over time who will find me attractive, because, Im an awesome person, and
because I have a really fantastic personality. But I dont think its possible for
anyone to just see me and think like Wow. Yeah. I havent really said that out loud
I dont think.
I wasnt gonna cry [Laughs]
My Body Is My Emergency Stash
Um, I never really, I guess, claimed by body until I was 19, which is strange thing toto say as an African-American man that, you know, you dont claim your body but
theres so much you dont get to claim as a black person in this fucked up country
that we live in. And part of that had to do with me being molested as a child. Um,
some of the psychological abuse that my- I wanna say tormenters, cause, in my
head, its a rapist if it happens one time, but if it happens repeatedly it becomes a
tormentor. Its like youre sexually abusing me and tormenting me. It got to a point
where I tried to commit suicide one time - thats another poem that Im writing
about thats tricky - um, and I always felt like my body was something for other
people to use and not necessarily for me to have as my own. I never really thought
it was mine until, like, I actually started having sex on my own free will, when
nobody was commanding sex from me. Even when I was in relationships at that
time, um, it was mostly based on me pleasing other people, by like whatever they
wanted from me, from my person, from my body, thats what I would do, without any
type of consideration for what I wanted, or what I needed, um, both males and
females, It just did not register in my head that I was supposed to be enjoying the
sexual experience too, until, um, my girlfriend in college.
Her name- please dont use her name [Laughs] - she, you know I told her about
everything that happened to me growing up, she knew I was bisexual, she was fine
with it. She was like, Well, if youre in a relationship with me, youre in a
relationship with me, so thats when I kind of realized it was okay for me to be
exactly who I am, um, the first time. She really made me work to have sex with her,
which was a good thing because I never had to - that was the first person I can say
I actually wanted to have sex with, and she asked me, like, what was some of the
things that I was forced to do, so she slowly started making me do those things,
um, especially, like, I had a real mental block me giving oral sex to a female because
when I was sexually abused by a woman that was one of the things that she used to
always force me to do, um so she helped me get past that block. Its still a hard
thing for me to do - I have to really like you for me to, you know for me to- to go
there and she was an excellent instructor. She was like, A little bit to the left, a little
to the right, she- she really talked me through it. She was like If youre gonna do
this, youre gonna do it right I remember when she orgasmed in my mouth, I was
like Whats going on? and shes like Nothing, just keep on going! [Laughs] So
that was funny. Um, and then we gradually worked on to me penetrating her, and it
was a, it was a beautiful thing. I really appreciate her for that, cause thats when I
realized that I could have sex with somebody when I wanna have sex with
10
of Weed That Never Gets Rolled
My Own Free Will

Architect
somebody, not necessarily be forced into it or that Im obligated to have sex with
you because Im dating you. Thats when I really started to claim my body and claim
me actually being horny, and being like, You know what? I wanna have sex. I wanna
have sex with you. Thats when I started to become, I guess, that bold. When Im in
a relationship with somebody Im not afraid- what was the TLC song? Im not too
proud to beg? If I need it in the morning, or the middle of the night. Yeah. Aint
too proud to beg. Not at all.
Im gonna have to write her a thank-you note. [Laughs]
11
My Body Is My Emergency Stash
Um, I never really, I guess, claimed by body until I was 19, which is strange thing toto say as an African-American man that, you know, you dont claim your body but
theres so much you dont get to claim as a black person in this fucked up country
that we live in. And part of that had to do with me being molested as a child. Um,
some of the psychological abuse that my- I wanna say tormenters, cause, in my
head, its a rapist if it happens one time, but if it happens repeatedly it becomes a
tormentor. Its like youre sexually abusing me and tormenting me. It got to a point
where I tried to commit suicide one time - thats another poem that Im writing
about thats tricky - um, and I always felt like my body was something for other
people to use and not necessarily for me to have as my own. I never really thought
it was mine until, like, I actually started having sex on my own free will, when
nobody was commanding sex from me. Even when I was in relationships at that
time, um, it was mostly based on me pleasing other people, by like whatever they
wanted from me, from my person, from my body, thats what I would do, without any
type of consideration for what I wanted, or what I needed, um, both males and
females, It just did not register in my head that I was supposed to be enjoying the
sexual experience too, until, um, my girlfriend in college.
Her name- please dont use her name [Laughs] - she, you know I told her about
everything that happened to me growing up, she knew I was bisexual, she was fine
with it. She was like, Well, if youre in a relationship with me, youre in a
relationship with me, so thats when I kind of realized it was okay for me to be
exactly who I am, um, the first time. She really made me work to have sex with her,
which was a good thing because I never had to - that was the first person I can say
I actually wanted to have sex with, and she asked me, like, what was some of the
things that I was forced to do, so she slowly started making me do those things,
um, especially, like, I had a real mental block me giving oral sex to a female because
when I was sexually abused by a woman that was one of the things that she used to
always force me to do, um so she helped me get past that block. Its still a hard
thing for me to do - I have to really like you for me to, you know for me to- to go
there and she was an excellent instructor. She was like, A little bit to the left, a little
to the right, she- she really talked me through it. She was like If youre gonna do
this, youre gonna do it right I remember when she orgasmed in my mouth, I was
like Whats going on? and shes like Nothing, just keep on going! [Laughs] So
that was funny. Um, and then we gradually worked on to me penetrating her, and it
was a, it was a beautiful thing. I really appreciate her for that, cause thats when I
realized that I could have sex with somebody when I wanna have sex with
10
of Weed That Never Gets Rolled
My Own Free Will

Architect
somebody, not necessarily be forced into it or that Im obligated to have sex with
you because Im dating you. Thats when I really started to claim my body and claim
me actually being horny, and being like, You know what? I wanna have sex. I wanna
have sex with you. Thats when I started to become, I guess, that bold. When Im in
a relationship with somebody Im not afraid- what was the TLC song? Im not too
proud to beg? If I need it in the morning, or the middle of the night. Yeah. Aint
too proud to beg. Not at all.
Im gonna have to write her a thank-you note. [Laughs]
11
My Body Is My Tool
Betty Terrapin
Feminist Blogger
Sexuality is definitely another area where it's changed and and shifted over time
because of my body's form- like Im a blonde girl with big boobs and a big butt, you
know, and I talk about that a lot today in terms of, like, how it impacts how my
students see me, like, it instantly made me, when I was like 11, 12, 13, into a
sexual person long before I really felt that for myself, you know? Um, crushes on
boys sure, but seeing myself as a sexual being was sort of thrown on me and then
something that I sort of felt like I had to take the mantle up on or else it was too
shameful, you know? And I don't, I wonder about how differently things would have
gone if maybe I had developed at a normal rate. Like, would I have had an eating
disorder? Probably, but um, I wonder about that, like, if I hadn't been so sexualized
because of my body shape and stuff from such a young age I wonder if that would
have gone differently. I remember being in a play in sixth grade, and the part was
not written for me, but when I met the woman who had written the play this was a
play written for children, set in, like, the 1920's in a nightclub, and I played a
nightclub singer, I forget my name but it was some ridiculous name, you know like
Betty Terrapin or something ridiculous, but, um, I had on this blue sequin dress and
stuff, which would be really cool today, I wish I'd kept that, um, and there was a line
in it that was like, Oh she's got a voice like an angel but a body built for sin, and I
didn't know what that even really meant. Like, I knew that it was sort of dirty, but I
didn't really connect what that meant, and what that meant about my body, and why
the woman that wrote the play then met me and was like, Oh she's perfect! Like,
at 11, 12 years old like I was already being very consciously sexualized. And that's
a small example and, like, not one that was meant with anything hurtful, but I
wonder how differently my process of getting to be at peace with my body and and
all that would have gone if I hadn't had that period of time where it was just like
constantly being sexualized. I think all girls go through that at some extent and it's
really unfortunate because that's just how we decide to make girls women - to
make them feel ashamed about the fact that they are women.
12
me that wondered what my family would think dating a fat person and, um, I was
insecure about it. And it was this really crazy moment for me where I was like
shes the sweetest, most wonderful human being, she is so- so fuck-the-status-quo,
and she is so queer in every sense of her being, and even this person sees my
weight as a handicap or as like something to overcome. So now, I think when I say
I dont think its possible for anyone to genuinely be attracted to me, I- I call on
that, and I think like, Even her, you know?
I think the only thing that keeps me, like, hopeful is that I do believe that there are
people over time who will find me attractive, because, Im an awesome person, and
because I have a really fantastic personality. But I dont think its possible for
anyone to just see me and think like Wow. Yeah. I havent really said that out loud
I dont think.
I wasnt gonna cry [Laughs]
My Body Is A Lie
My Body Is My Library
Despite Your Body

Giver
No Apology
Dancer/Mother
So in Middle School my nickname was Duff which stands for Designated Ugly Fat
Friend. So I knew pretty much from 6th grade on that I was worthless when it
came to, like, sexual desirability, and I was okay with that because- I don't know why
I was okay with that. I think I needed to be okay with that in order to just, like, move
through puberty.
We decided to try to have another child. We finally got to a place where we wanted
to do that and just recently I conceived. And s- I was, um, gonna do this residency
and I felt like, um, let's see I was pregnant for fourteen weeks and I was gonna go
and do this thing and I was really having a hard time thinking that I was gonna be
kinda like a fatty, preggy lady, especially when you're fourteen weeks pregnant,
you're not really unless you tell anyone you're pregnant you don't look
pregnant pregnant yet. So I was just feeling I- ahh, I just feel like a fat preggy lady!
Thats okay, you're not fat and preggy, it's okay to be pregnant, people can be
pregnant, women can be pregnant, it's okay!
I really struggled with my body back then. I remember I would, like, fantasize a lot
about like taking scissors to my fat rolls. Id be like in Math class daydreaming
about, like, taking giant scissors and just cutting it off and how good that would feel
and like freeing up myself, this, like, thin woman trapped inside of me.
Um, yeah, coming into High School I was completely sure that I was undesirable,
um, and then I was lucky to meet my high school boyfriend, who was wonderful to
me. With him it was always like, Youre a wonderful person, I love your personality,
and I love you despite your body, um, and that, at the time, was the most amazing
thing anyones ever said to me. Like, You have this handicap, but Im gonna love
you despite it. I just remember thinking, like, how fucking romantic that is. And
now, now looking back on that, god! He loved me despite my body! Thats, like,
horrible! Now if somebody said I love you despite your body, Id write a poem
about it. [Laughs]
And then, a boyfriend that I had when I was living in South Africa said I love you,
and I love your body, and your stomach, its big, and when I see your body it makes
me think of, like, your potential to give birth, and you look like a mother, and I love
that about you, and I thought Wow, thats the new most romantic thing anyone
has ever said to me, and now Im like, Well fuck that! Im like My bodys not for
you! My body is so much more than just a baby-maker, and like I- I dont know if
its possible to ever be in a relationship with somebody who genuinely loves my
body, but now Im not willing to put up with the- the bullshit excuses. Yeah.
I dont know if its possible for anyone to genuinely be attracted to my body. [Long
pause] I dont know. Thats a really sad thing to realize.
Yeah, she was the closest that I ever came to being in a relationship with somebody
who I felt really was attracted to me, but I really pushed her into telling me how she
honestly felt. I was like There was never a time when you, like, knew that I was fat
and had to, like, overcome that in your mind? And she was like, To be honest,
when I first met you it- I was aware that you were overweight and there was part of
8
And just before I left I miscarried. And it was way into it, I mean, it wasnt, like, a
little miscarriage, like my body's really pregnant here, and I've really lived through
a lot of nausea, and I've really gained not tons of weight but some weight, and now
this thing that I thought I had to kind of apologize for I don't have it anymore. But I
actually have a pregnant body, and now I can't say, I'm pregnant, that's why I'm
like this! Not that I would even defend it, so, now I don't, and so now I have this
private relationship to my own body in grief and... what do I do? Just what do I do?
How do I feel about that? How do I go about it? And here's my body an- and every
day I was bleeding a little bit, 'cause that's what you do after you miscarry is you
just kinda continue to bleed, and it wasn't like I was gushing or anything but I was
having this incredibly deep private experience of grief and blood and j- just kind of
looking at my body in the mirror in a way that I feel like I'd never looked at my body
in the mirror- and was, for the first time, was like, Look at your beautiful body.
Look at, look at this body that held that baby. Nobody in this room knows that that's
what this body was doing, and this body can still do all this other shit, I can still
teach all these students I can still do a fucking handstand for a long time, but look
at what these boo like, it wasn't even like it was my own body. It still feels like, even
now I'm still, two weeks after dancing a lot it feels more like my own familiar body
but it's still a different body. It's a body that was doing something that I wanted so
much to do, that had so much value to me, to to be growing a baby and I felt like I
got into the first kind of a really deep place without apology. It's like even like,
You're fat, it's like you're not fat, that's not fat, what is this? This is a nest. This is
a home for a baby. This is what your body can do, and it didn't end up doing it but
you have no apology for how you are. What a privilege it is to have your body alter
for a larger project than your own body image, from what it can do, you know?
13
[Small laugh] Thats the end of that story.
My Body Is My Prison
And I suppose I felt the irony of feeling like you want your body to represent the
heroic things it can do and that should look thin, but pregnancy is a heroic thing
that your body can do and it looks different it doesn't necessarily look not
thin, it just organizes itself differently to do this heroic act and I felt like as, as
like honoring this life that didn't get to be but that was in me for a little while,
there was just no room to hate it. There was just no room. There was only room
to really glory in what this body could do, I think.
A Lion's Chasin' Me
Family Man
I thought I did the most important thing and that was work to try and support my
family and, unfortunately, in supporting them and working that hard I ended up
losing them. All I had to show for it was three wonderful children, of course, a
second ex-wife, and a lotta pain, limited mobility and being handicapped. I had to
learn how to be a handicapped person, it doesn't just come to you, oh, okay,
today I am now handicapped, so let's move on from here, it's it's a learning
process. I- I mentioned before there are certain things that I know not to do, uh,
because I know what the reaction will be, how my body will react to it. Um,
somebody asked me if I could run. Yeah, I could run a lion's chasin' me or
something I'm gonna run um, but if the lion doesn't kill me then I would end up
paying for it a lot.
Prison, because I have to do what it will allow me. It's, I don't have the reign of it,
uh, it has the reign on me because I cant control aspects of it. I force it to do
things, uh, like going to work. It's not a lotta hours or anything, um, I force it to do
that and try to do everything that my body will allow and would not allow, but I can't
push too much or else it gets to a point where I can't do anything.
Unfortunately things, uh, life didn't ask me what I wanted so, um, the whole
marriage fell apart it's not what I wanted, to this day it's not what I wanted. So
she's remarried and living out in California now and sounds happy so I'm happy for
her, um, like I said, if it were up to me that's not the way it would be, even today, so,
I really don't have anywhere else to go with that.
14
My Body Is My Outside
I went to elementary school, and it was a school that, um, had a strong athletic
program, and, like, they placed a lot of importance on it. But, you know, like, here I
am - you know, like, in third-second, third, fourth grade - and I had special gym
classes that I would go to because I was so bad in gym class. I didnt, I didnt, like,
have, good, like, good motor skills. And, you know, was, like, really bad at throwing
and catching things. I was really bad at playing group sports. So, they would take
me out of class when everyone else was watching movies, and I would, like, go to
the gym, and they would, like, try and teach me extra skills. They would just, sort of,
try to make me feel better about it, even though, I just kind of did it. I just kind of
went along with it at the time. I think, at the time, no one ever really explained why
this was happening, and I guess I never really asked. I guess, I was kinda troubled
that I didnt get to watch a movie. I had to go back to gym instead, um, but they
would - they told me, like, it was because different parts of your body are growing
at different rates. That was just sort of a funny thing to be told as child, like,
different parts of your body are growing at different rates, so youre going to, like,
come to special gym classes. I-I just sort of didnt think about my body. It wasnt
something that I felt, um, specifically bad about, it was just sort of like, whatever,
Im just not going to think about that.
Rush of Ease
Runner
My Body Is My Battleground
Special Gym Class

Expressive Artist
Um, while you're running, especially if you, like, go at a certain pace or do it hard
enough and, um, like, those endorphins are real. They do, like, its- they're physical
and its, like, hormonal and you can explain it with science but, um, that doesn't
really matter when, like, all of a sudden you have this moment of, like, of pure joy
when you can just, like, forget about everything that may be bothering you. You get
to the top of a hill and it's been terrible the whole way up, your legs burn, and
you're out of breath, and youre, like, coughing up all of the mucus in your lungs
and, like, hacking it to the side of the road, and sweating - sweating your ass off and, um, you, like, get to the top of the hill and you're like, Should I stop and
stretch? I kinda wanna stop and stretch. I wanna stop, and you're like No, and
you crest, and as you, like, come up to the top of it you're you're able to pick up
the pace, and then you sort of coast, and then as you're starting to go down its
like something [Snaps] clicks and theres, like, you feel a rush of, like, ease, of
calm, of it being, like, everything being okay and, like, joyful. And the moment- like,
then the movement of running, like, what was pain in your legs becomes pleasure.
Like your legs themselves feel pleasure, it's not like in my head I'm feeling this
pleasure, I'm feeling happy, it's like there is a sensation in my legs and like they are
happy to be going fast and they want to go faster. Like to realize that like your toes
have knowledge in them, you know? Your toes know everything about this area
that, like, you don't know up here unless you look down. Like, you are like
experiencing and thinking, like, in every cell of your body and if youre, like, tuning
all of that out, how much of your thought process and, like, intelligence are you just
like not tapping into? If youre, like, if you have this amazing sensory, uh, tool, this
whole big organ that, like, knows, and explores, and can like question, and learn,
and give back to you, if you're tuning that out, like, how- how well can you be
thinking about things?
15
My Body Is Healing
My Body Is My Canvas
Stripes
Photographer
Little Weirdo
Lady Friend
I remember whenever I first developed stretch marks, oh my god! It was bad.

Cause I was like what are these wormsthat are on my body? [Laughs] What are
these termites[Laughs] that are growing inside of my skin?! And I was like,
How do you get rid of this? And I remember for the life of me, like, I was like
religiously putting like cocoa butter on them, cause you know, like, you know, thats
what they say, Just put cocoa butter on it, itll go away!
A lot of times people will talk- other trans women will talk about like- Well, I mean,
we were all guys here at some point, and, like, that was never really true for me.
And, I was- I remember now what I got distracted from earlier- I, um, I was really
androgynous at best, uh, so I did not transition in that way, and other trans women
tend to assume that all women transition the way that they did. I dont come from a
background of secrecy about my identity. I didnt have to like start the agonizing
process of growing out my hair. Like, none of that stuff. I didnt have to, like, learn
how to put on my makeup or any of that stuff, so I learned how to put on my make
up with other girls when I was 13. It was totally normal. Its when I started shaving
my legs and doing my eyebrows. It was, like, it was normal, except that I was, like,
you know hella goth. So, otherwise normal! It wasn't abnormal in that I was- I
learned as a male person learns, it was abnormal because I was a little weirdo.
That shit dont go away!

If you gain weight you get them, if you lose weight you get them, so its like either
you way you gonna get em! And so I was like, There has to be a solution to this
prob- this epidemic! [Laughs] So, like, I just remember just li-like, I got every form
of cocoa butter you could think of: I got cocoa butter in the stick, I got the lo- the
big-ass cocoa butter lotion, there was like a sm- a small jar of cocoa butter,
anything you think could work to remove stretch marks, Derma, anything just to get
rid of them, and I was like, Well I guess this aint gonna happen, you know? And it
just, it just never happened, you know, and whats interesting is that for the longest
time I thought I was the only person with stretch marks. Its like whenever you get
your period, right, its like, Oh, Im obviously the only person who has a period,
but every woman around you experiences this shit, like, you know what I mean? And
its like, I just I just wish it wasnt like a taboo thing, like I wish we didnt hide thatthat part. And its also bac- like you know we were talking about societal norms and
what people perceive as feminine versus not, and um, and it wasnt until like I
started just talking to my friends about them and theyre like, Girl-, or, do you
know what it was? It was, I think we were like at the beach or something and they
had their bathing suits on, and their stretch marks was like, on fleek, and I was like,
So you just not, youre not embarrassed by that? And theyre like, For what?
Like this is, girl look, these are my stripes.
It was funny. People regularly ask me how I came out. I didnt have a good
relationship with my dad before he died, and people always say, like, Oh, did he
not accept you? And, its like, Wow, no he did not notice. Like, nobody noticed!
My-my-my mother didnt notice. Um, any deliberate changes that I made in how I
presented myself, um, I mean, I couldnt get people to notice a fucking hair cut. I
mean, it wasnt like, And no one could tell! It was just- it was just that no one, uh,
was going to question it, because it seemed normal. Particularly, because I wasnt,
like, always in dresses with red lipstick on. It was, like, That girl is fat and weird.
And, we like hersometimes.
And I was like, yeah. These are my stripes. And that kind of like [snaps], youre just
a woman. You know, youre not- you cant keep that fifteen year old body forever,
you know what I mean? And thats just what it is, and um, and then different like
movements kind of happened after that. Like, a friend, um, she showed me, like,
this campaign about women and stretch marks, you know, like just this idea of like,
its normal, you know, and it just kind of gi- it gave me a better sense of my body
and also just the fact that Im not, Im not different. My bodys not different, its
nothing that Ive done wrong to it, it just happened. Its normal. And um, yeah.
16
My Body Is My Messiah
Im so shy, its gonna be so hard

Im gonna start with the first one: I have the perfect MeMe body. Perfect.
My body- I have the perfect body for a grandmother, because my grandson loves
my boobies, and he loves my upper arms, and he loves my thighs, and my stomach,
everything soft.
And so I watch him with his mom and he loves the same things on her.
And so I was telling him I was going exercising, and I was working out, and trying to
lose weight, and he said Dont do that MeMe, your boobies will go
away! [Laughs]
So a two-year old boy is talking about my boobies Why is he obsessed with
boobies? And so Im watching him lay with his mom and I say What are you
doing? and he says These are my booby pillows! And so it all makes sense!
When he comes to me, he wants me soft.
And so I thought that thats what it means to be loved. I mean those are the same
parts that his grandfather likes!
And I used to feel bad because I felt like they were too big, but now I feel like I dont
give a fuck!
So its like I try to be healthy, I try to live a healthy life, eat healthy food, but I, if my
boobies, or my butt, or my tush is big, thats okay. If its good enough for the
people that I love, this body, its great for them.
I feel like finally, at 56, I love the body that I have.
Skin
Big Loser!
Soft! !
MeMe
So, it all started with my boobs. And it's gonna end with my boobs. And, even, I got
to have, um, skin surgery for free. Um, and it was going to be in three different
sections, and they were going to do my torso, and my chest first. And, I had five
pounds of skin, uh, just, like, around my belly. And, so, went to have this surgery,
and, all I've wanted is to not have man boobs. And, that is what has defined my
body. And my lack of, um, being able to accept myself. Um, and, um, I got to surgery
day, had the surgery. I had done such a good job of losing weight, that I would have
stood the risk of losing too much blood if they did both my stomach and my chest
at the same time. So, we didn't do it. So, I was left with five less pounds of skin
around my stomach, but still had my man boobs. I was told right before I went into
surgery. And, um, it was the first thing I asked about when I came out of surgery.
And, it was devastating. And, it still, like, I have always tugged at shirts, I've always
just, like, worn way too much clothes. I was 350 pounds, I lived in Texas, I mean, I'd
wear cardigan sweaters in the summer time. Which is just insane. And just that
inability to accept that this is my body. And, it's much more visible to someone, a
person wearing a sweater in the dead of summer than some man boobs. And, like,
you know, if people do notice, it's like, Oh, yeah, that's a fat man with boobs.
Thinking about myself again. Doing whatever the hell I'm doing. You know? And,
and having it just, like, register in my mind, that's it's not the only thing that other
people think about. It's just wild, no one really gives a shit about anyone else
besides themselves that much. And if it, it's for like seconds. And, uh, that's kind of
helped me, a little bit. Um, close that gap between my body and my identity. And
just like being like, Dude, you're worrying about yourself. No one else is. And, if
they are. Then fuck it. Um, but it's not worth this, this, being uncomfortable all the
time, like living in New Orleans now, it's just not fucking worth it. And, so like I've
just let the titties fly. And, it's hard. It's really hard to do.
17
And then this, this, this- and another thing was this, um, this booty! I always
wanted a big old behind, especially being an African American woman that is
something that is crowned and trophied in the, in the, um, in the community.
And for me to grow up, and even my older sister to grow up without, um, no
behind, my momma never understood why that was so important, you know? I
used to be like, Man I'm gon- I'm gonna stuff my pants with, um, with a shirt.
I'ma do this, or I'ma do that, or I may get me some injections, or something like
that, and, um, my mom just never understood. I'm like, You don't understand
'cause you got a ass, Ma. You have a behind. And they never understood how
it could really play a role on how you feel about yourself, because I used to, um,
in Middle School I used to wear sweaters, I used to wear sweaters and jackets
in New Orleans it's so hot, but I used to wear those, just to cover up my
behind. When I'm walking and, um, a dude, say a dude is walking, um, I'm justI'm walking, a dude is looking at me if he walking towards me dude's like to
do things like this [Demonstrates walk] to look at your behind! And so I be
walking and, um, I turn around like this - What you looking at? What you
looking at? [Laughs] Just so they wouldn't be looking at my behind, you know?
And, um, 'cause I'm like, Ooh once they see my behind, then, um, they're not
gonna follow through with the hollerin at me, you know, like, so, um, that was
something I really had to deal with. Still kinda dealing with it, but definitely
nowhere near like I was, you know? I- before I use- the shirt gotta be covering
the behind, gotta wear something that's not showing out, wear some tights, I
just had on a lotta things, you know. Um, cause- its not completely gone, 'cause
I still be like, Damn I wish I had- Dang, or, um, even dating someone, never
wanting them to touch my behind. Never. And, you know ,you got a dude, he
wants to touch it, but I dont, Don't touch it! I be- I kiss a dude, he touch my
butt, and I be kissing him, and take his hand off my ass at the same time! So of
course that's going to...mess up the moment. [Laughs] But, um, I've definitely,
um, grown to appreciate it. [Corrects self] Accept it. Accept it, I still gotta
appreciate her, you know, but, um, I accept her, for who she is, with a flat ass.
[Laughs]
18
You Wouldnt Understand, Youre White!

Fine Artist
My Body Is Loved
Now I Dare You To Make Fun of Me, I'm Fly

Poet
I, um, Ive always felt really heavy growing up cause, I mean, Im Asian but Im like
a really big Asian [Laughs] Like, I grew up in Hong Kong so everyone was like this
tall and like this skinny, um, and I would like go into stores and I would like Oh I like
that shirt, and my mom would be like Thats not going to fit you, or shell be like
Excuse me, do you have like an extra extra large? [Laughs] and I would get like
the largest size and sometimes it wouldnt even fit me, but thats like basically how I
grew up is just feeling like I was too large for where I was. And then I come to the
U.S. and Im, like, Im average, which is great, but still. Its like its always been stuck
in my head that Im, like, too big to be who I am.
Um, but yeah I mean I identify as an Asian American woman, uh, uh I didnt really
think about my race until I was made to think about it. I think it was Sophomore
year of college, there was a hate crime around some Korean Americans, and I
heard about it and I was really upset, and then I was like Oh well why am I upset?
It didnt happen to me, and then my roommate was like Why are you upset? It
didnt happen to you, and I was like You wouldnt understand, youre
white! [Laughs] Its like the moment I realized that this is upsetting to me because
its my racial group, and like, this could happen to me, it could happen to anybody I
know whos not white, or like any Asian person that I know, um, and thats the
moment when it really freaked me out cause I realized that I wasnt a person, that I
was a person in part of a group. And I think thats like what people talk about all
the time, is like White Privilege, is that you are an individual, um, whereas people of
color often come to the realization that theyre not a person, until be- because
there are these barriers, and there are these like, like prejudices and things that
really get in the way if youre a person of color, so um, once I had like the language
for that and the understanding then it definitely changed my perspective of who I
was. Um, so like, when my husband and I started dating sometimes Id say to
him like Wouldnt it be so much easier if you were just dating a white girl? So you
dont have to deal with all these, like, issues that I have, like being angry, and like
being upset, or like being sensitive to like where I am? Like, if there are no Asians
in the room, Im like Oh, Im the only Asian, or you know just certain things you
dont think about if youre the majority. So. So yeah. Um, but, you know, you do
whatchya do. [Laughs]
My Body Is My Teacher
My Body Is My Duty
When It Feels Good

Performance Artist
In Form
Husband
In that four years I started- [Laughs] I slept with a woman for the first time, and,
um, had my first like real big, like crazy orgasm. And that was fucking awesome.
And it changed everything again, you know? And I started exploring my body in
different ways again, um, and, uh, you know, what I means to feel good with another
person, and with myself, and all those things. And, um, like, you know [Laughs
and bats the camera away] I don't know... Um, the work, okay, like so the show that
I was talking about earlier, that I did, like, another part of it is about female
ejaculation, and I feel like that's a part, part of the way that I've reclaimed my body
in some ways. So [Laughs] realizing that, um, I could ejaculate as a woman, um,
was a pretty huge step in me reclaiming my body.
Ive always hated the way I look, and the times I appreciate how I look, slowly
started with my body. I accepted my masculine body, and my muscles, especially
when I started playing sports and we would do these stretches where you lean
forward, and you switch to stretch your calves, and you get to see this awesome
Im gonna try and do it [Gets up and stretches] Um, its like this. You put one leg
behind the other, and this usually catches the sunlight really dramatically, and you
see your thighs flexed, which you usually dont see when youre walking, and you
see a curve in your calf that you usually dont see unless youre running, and its
really aesthetically pleasing, and then you can feel muscles in your arm stretching
to your back, and you feel a greater connectiveness to your whole body that is
a great feeling. And thats when I started to own my body as a masculine body. And
then I started appreciating my masculine jaw, the nose, the- my face, and those are
times that I actually inhabit my body and I enjoy it.
Because it's like this, um, for me, men- when we talk about orgasms for me, we talk
about this, sort of, physical manifestation of their orgasm. We don't talk about that
with women's orgasms. Unless you're looking at porn, and then it's speculated as
to whether or not it's actually cum or if it's pee, or if it's whatever, because God
forbid a woman actually have an orgasm with- with some kind of physical remnant
to it. Because that's what men do, that's not what women do. Or there's this
mystique around the- the female orgasm. And we're you know- Does the G-spot
really exist? No, it doesn't. Neither does the clit actually, don't know if you knew
that.
Um, you know, when I started having, like, this physical manifestation of my
orgasms after being pre-orgasmic and also dealing with flashbacks and difficulties
in coming to understand myself sexually. Um, I, uh, I felt that was me sort of taking
back, in some ways, um, the years of me not being able to inhabit my body. Not
being able to trust my body, to know my body, to feel my body without feeling
shame. Or to, um, to experience my body as a pleasure center. Um, and, you know, I
had some people like, people that I had slept with be like, you know, freaked out by
it or, like, grossed out by it, or whatever. And, I had a lot of people who loved it,
right? Still to this day, like, whatever. But, it was still one of those things that, you
know, in- in the process of figuring it out, like, some of the people are going to hate
this and think it's gross, or whatever that was my way of being like, you know
what? Fuck you. Like, if you can't handle what my body does when it feels good.
Uh, the other time that I inhabit my body, its a lot more complicated because, I hate
it for exactly its masculine attributes, because those are times when Im trying to
bend my sex, and fit into a cross-dressing, drag persona, and its really hard, with
my shoulders, and my waist, and my masculine jaw, and all these features
except for my legs all these features that are really very masculine inhibit that.
When Im trying to fit into a really nice dress, or when Im trying on a wig thats
purpose-built to hide my jaw, and to cover my brow, and trying on makeup you feel
all of these artifices, and just your- you realize that you yourself are false and I feel
really ugly, and I feel hideous. The times where its best are when Im just looking
down, and I can fool myself for a little bit, but then you feel the weight of the false
breast forms, and you feel the weight of the makeup, and you realize that this isnt
like a Beyonce song where I just woke up like this, this is I just spent half a day
on this and now Im gonna stay home because going out is too much of a
complicated persona to own, uh, that being a straight man and wanting to crossdress, it brings up the Maybe youre just doing this for a gag, or all those other
complicated public perceptions that I was talking about earlier.
I dont like cross-dressing as a man. I want to inhabit a female body. Not be- I dont
want to be a woman. I love being a man. And theres a thrill to define your sex, and
for- even for a moment, deluding yourself or other people that youre a woman. But
going outside, in a dress and makeup, isnt possible for me Ive done it a few
times, at safe places, but it still elicits questions or, at the very least, comes with a
large package of assumptions, one way or another, that dont fit me. And I dont
19
300 Points!
Doofus
So its really hard for me to know and have experienced revealing this to people
that I care about deeply, for them to be confused about my motivation, and no
matter how well I explain it, which is really minute Im a straight man, that likes
being a woman in form, and attitude, and theres a feminine aspect of my persona.
And thats another thing that gets them tripped up is like, Im not me in a dress, I
am this female me. The few times Ive explained it to people its really blown up in
my face. Ive had very wonderful, very trusting relationships thrown back at me not
soon after Ive said that. Its not enough for other people to accept that I just like
doing it. Theres a read into it. So, yeah, its a mess.
Or do you want this to be, like, spur of the moment. Do you like-
Okay, excellent.
Could- actually- could I take one minute to write a few things down?
No, I mean I can,like, talk while I write too, but, I just likeI just like write down the categories, honestly. Just so that I can like-
My Body Is My Playground
feel represented. And I dont want to be an activist, and I dont want to explain
myself, and I hate it, and Ive suppressed that for a really long time, and I probably
will continue to suppress it except for now my wife wants me to work on, uh,
expressing myself, and its very weighty. Because as a man, dressing as a woman,
youre either an acceptable drag performer, you are a cross-dresser, or you are
largely just a freak.
Okay, but you just explained in my nature that Im going to feel inclined to pursue all
three.
But its true! I want to pursue all three.
Its at this point in the interview that I would like to point out the substances on the
table because, I tell you, this began long ago.
We have here the, uh, the Kenmore Series Mason Jar, uh, this is a small one right
here, though. This is the Atlas Series. Uh,12 ounce. 12 oz mason jar going for 300
points! Ha ha! Uh, then we have the Laganitas California IPA, an excellent blend of
hops, a little bit malty. Oh Im just kidding, theres no malt. Fuck Malt. Malts an
asshole.
Malt is such an asshole.
Oh yeah?
Im a big fucking fat ass. The camera takes off fifty pounds. Ninety pounds. I weigh
300 points, Bob!
Okay, um, so I was, like, listening and thinking while you were listing the categories,
but can you just tell me what the three are.
Youre fucked up
Shes so fucked up.
Okay.
Oh, yes, yes. That was the other one.
That word will inspire meto buy property. Alright, lets get started [Laughs]
Um, can I do the first time fully-inhabited?
20
My Body Is My Nemesis
Paradox
Author
Yeah, uh, um, so Ill be 48 on March 8th, I was hurt in a skiing accident twoooo
weeks shy of my 17th birthday, February 22nd 1982. So. 31 years, um, in the
paralysis kind of realm of things. Um, so what you see is sort of, you know, I roll
around, I do things on my own, um, I dont need an electric wheel chair, you know,
Im pretty, alive, uh considering 31 years, which is pretty good, like I think I look
alright, you know, um, so and just so it was just a basic, um, just a breaking of the
neck there are these cervical bones in your neck, I kinda crushed the sixth one,
shattered the fifth one. Where a break occurs is what decides whats gonna
happen. So in other words, my fingers dont work, if that had been a half an inch
lower, my fingers would work. If it had been the middle of my back, Id be
paraplegic probably, so anything below the nipple line I cant really feel,
sensation-wise, so its tricky because it looks like Im much more c- uh, capable
than I really am just in terms of physicality, you know,? Ultimately I think about 85%
of my body is paralyzed one way or the other, even internally, you know its sort of,
so there are like incontinence issues, whatever! I mean, I have no control, really,
over anything.
You gotta remember in my case, which makes this interesting probably to you is
that, um, I was sixteen, just shy of seventeen, and Id never gotten laid. You know?
Id never driven a car, Id never had a family, I never did all of those things, you
know it pisses me off now that I n- you know I was doing one life, and then
it just stopped, in, in, uh the amount of time it took for me to tumble down a hill, so,
so I was I look at is as I was killed, essentially, and then reborn. I had to become
something else- same person, but you evolve into a different, you know, I had to
adjust.
And this is what I thought about this: I can look in a mirror and think that Im
beautiful, right, to look at. Other people say like, Youre a good-looking guy, or
whatever, but that actually makes it worse. You see, like, if I were what people
expect if I were in a sort of different position, if I was drooling, or I had
cerebral palsy, or something m-more of a- but if Im, if I present as, uh,
charismatic, or interesting, intelligent- everybody would tell me y-you know youve
got all these attributes, it it makes it, i-it made it harder because the paradox is: I
can have all those things but it doesn't matter, you see what I mean? Yeah. So that
was the killer for me f-until I wasforty, you know and I just felt- I went through
various relationships but, um, you know, I mean, women in their late twenties, early
thirties, that I, you know, they would only go to a certain point. Because they would
21
initially be attracted and and wanna, like, overlook this part, but this gets in the
way, like, and Im not fertile. Im not a baby producer, you know, Im not an
earner, and that sounds sort of crude but you know the evolutionary scheme of
things, um, whether people admit it or not, you know, a lot of people are looking
like every female person Ive gone out with or whatever went on to get married and
have children and all that sort of stuff, which kinda hurt, you know? But its justthats what happens. I just sort of just keep to myself, so I dont even try and play
the game anymore, you know, the- the hunting game, and sometimes people will
come to me, and like Id have to- I dont know, I just wouldnt know where to begin,
you know what I mean? So, so thats sort of the regret.
22
For Jackie, in whom I always find home
19
PARADOX
Author
21
VANILLA SEX
Traveler
23
IT COMES TO US ALL
Puppeteer
24
ALL DAY EVERY DAY

Newcomer
25
BEAUTIFUL AND ROMANTIC AND TRAGIC AND HILARIOUS AND MEANINGFUL 26

Acupuncturist
TOUGHEN UP
Poet
27
My Body Is My Strong
IN FORM
Husband
Vanilla Sex
Traveler
At one point my mom and I were discussing victims of attack and she said, you
know, When, when people look for a victim they look to see that you're acting like a
victim, you know, you look like- you walk like a victim, whatever that means, And
you and I walk with purpose and we have a strength about us and we don't look like
victims. And I think I always sort of carried that with me and thought that I was
somehow immune to anything like this every happening, um, and obviously I'm not.
My boyfriend came out, uh, two days after the attack to stay with me for a week,
which was really, really amazing and he was fully prepared that there would be no
sex. Um, but I think I'm kind of a pusher, and I want to heal as fast as I possibly
can, and I wanna get back to me, so I wanted to. Um, the first time we did it was
very emotional and, um, I'll just tell you that he was on top and I was envisioning
that, were I to have been raped in that instance, that is the position that I would
have been in because I was on my back, um, at the point that he ran away. So my
reaction was to flip that over and take control of the situation sexually, um, which
helped. I think that I'm also needing to just be very safe and very comfortable and
not all, like, just vanilla. I need vanilla sex. But yeah, I think it's going to take a while
to get back to to me, to feeling safe, I mean I don't even feel safe during the day by
myself, um, and I'm scared all the time, and that makes me angry because I was
never scared before, probably to a fault. So I think that, mmm, it seems that New
Orleans is trying to teach me a couple lessons, um, I'm not Superman and I need to
be more aware and I need to be more conscious of my surroundings and I need to
realize that I am able to be hurt.
Hmm. That's really hard to answer.
My body, is my [Long pause] My body is... it's strong. My body is strong.
23
My Body Is My Instrument
American attitudes about death and about the- the human body, living and dead,
need to change, you know, but that's major to me, um, this, this terror of
decomposition. I think it goes hand-in-hand with the terror of aging, you know?
People are are so afraid of mortality, uh, there's this obsession with eternal life and
eternal longevity within that, you know, um, that I think is demented [Laughs] and
wrong. I mean I- I think certainly, um, one should try to maintain one's body so that
the maximum enjoyment can be taken from life, but I think that also an acceptance,
um, and even a sort of, um, appreciation for the processes of aging need to
become more central to our upbringing, you know? I mean, I think from a very
young age we need to be taught to not only respect the elderly but appreciate
them for being aged, and value that, um, otherwise I I fear what will happen to us
as a people. I mean, I already am terrified of what's happening, uh, to body image.
Theres this erasing of the elderly that I see taking place, you know, people are
living some people are living much longer and healthier lives than ever before,
but at the same time, uh, there's so little representation of what an aged face looks
like, of what an aged body looks like that is separate from a pathetic image, you
know, that is separate from a horrific image, um, or an image of burden, you know?
Um, and I think that's very problematic because age comes to us all, as does death,
and it's inevitable and I think that we will forever be um sort of tortured souls, you
know, if we can't, uh, embrace some of that.
24
WHEN IT FEELS GOOD

Performance Artist
YOU WOULDNT UNDERSTAND, YOURE WHITE!
Fine Artist
SOFT
MeMe
LITTLE WEIRDO
Lady Friend
SPECIAL GYM CLASS
Expressive Artist
BODY Play Is
It Comes To Us All
Puppeteer
300 POINTS!
Doofus
2
3
4
5
6
A LION'S CHASIN' ME
Family Man
DESPITE YOUR BODY

Giver
MY OWN FREE WILL

Architect
10
BETTY TERRAPIN
Feminist Blogger
12
NO APOLOGY
Dancer/Mother
13
RUSH OF EASE
Runner
15
STRIPES
Photographer
16
SKIN
Big Loser
17
NOW I DARE YOU TO MAKE FUN OF ME, IM FLY

Poet
18
LIVE OAK COLLECTIVE
Mission Statement
The Live Oak Collective creates new work with women at the center as the primary
writers, directors, and performers. Live Oak challenges modes of conventional
playwriting by devising pieces that utilize interviews, poetry, dance, and an intensive
process of collaboration among our artists.!
Artistic Statement
The Live Oak Collective functions on the premise that theater is dialogue between
the actor and the audience, the collaborators of a piece, the performer and his/herself.
We believe in the power of theater to incite change, explore ideas, and initiate discussion.
By creating devised works in response to social, political, and theoretical ideas, Live Oak
seeks to create theater that is engaging, interactive, and accessible to a diverse
population. Because we believe that art can be made from anything, set pieces, props,
costumes, and modes of lighting are created primarily with found objects. We believe
strongly in the Artist as an Engineer, allowing the actions of the performer and the truths
found in the performance to inform the built environment.
All Day, Every Day

Newcomer
About Live Oak Collective
Um, in all of the teachings that weve had in medical training- in med school, um,
the similarities between one person to the next, if you look at a very basic level are
kind of mind boggling. And, um, the way, you know, if, if you look at the years and
years of research that people have done to, sort of, just look at enzymes in your
body and how, you know, for instance I mean I could-I could talk about anything
but um, you know, just looking at your digestive system and how that works,
um, how when different things are put into your interior GI tract, there are all these
chemical cascades that happen. And, you know, one- the fact that one thought, um,
to move your hand requires, you know, ions and electrical impulses that happen in,
you know, milliseconds. Um, and this is constantly happening. Somehow your lungs
know how to breathe, and your heart knows how to beat without putting any
thought into it, but at the same time, you can affect it by thinking. Um, theres just
so much thats happening all the time, um, and the complexity of that, and the
similarity between all of us is something that, um, is something thats incredibly cool
to me. Um, and, kind of, unbelievable when you, when you think about it from the
perspective of, you know, how, even with, complicated, scientific tools and test tubes
and reactions, you know, you- you cant even come close to duplicating what
happens in our body all day, every day. Um, I am still, awed by that.
www.liveoaknola.org
25
My Body is Me
Beautiful and Romantic and Tragic

and Hilarious and Meaningful
Acupuncturist
I love all the existential philosophers, you know Kierkegaard or Camus or Sarte, um,
like, life is inherently meaningless so thats why its our purpose to like, to give it
meaning, you know? So, so all of that like ego, or all those things that seem like,
Oh, its just me or like, Why is this important? or Its just my body, its not
gonna last or like, I mean it is, because thats, thats all you are, so it is vitally
important to you.
I mean Camus has the exact point: the only real, philosophical question is whether
or not to commit suicide. And if youre deciding to not commit suicide, and like get
out of bed in the morning, whatever youre reason is - thats it. You know? So if
you love music, if thats your thing, then like there you go. Thats your religion,
thats your like reason to live, and and to, um, and and to do what you do.
But everything is eventually just gonna turn to dust, um so we are, we are mortal
we have to like grapple with that. And thats whats so - thats whats so
romantic and beautiful about, whether its the- whether its um, the Mandala, the
Tibetan Mandala they make in sand and then it just sort of blows away, or even like
a theatrical performance, right? Like thats it. Its performed one time live and then
its gone, its in the wind, but there wa- whoever was there to kind of see it or
experience it, that was like what made it beautiful and valuable and so, so thats it!
This body that wont even be quite exactly the same tomorrow or in a year or
whatever, um, this is me. And it does this sort of incredible stuff of being able to
see, and perceive, and sense and like contemplate and feel, um, so so thats it. this
sort of sense of Brahman, this little shard of God thats in all of us, I mean, I dont
kn- do you call that the miracle of life? When these crazy human beings who are
just, like, a collection of cells and tissues and impulses, but, that can do all this
creative, terrible stuff - I mean, I think thats thats, like, beautiful and romantic and
tragic and hilarious and, like, meaningful.
And so this is- this is our sort of like fleeting moment. When our spirit inherits
something, and we get to like walk on earth, and we arent alive until we take that
first breath, and when we stop that last breath we sort of disappear and in
between, is our is our beautiful romantic play to fill with whatever we do, and all our
experiences have that value.
26
About BODY Play

BODY Play is a solo performance piece based on interviews conducted with people
about their relationships to their bodies. Now in its second iteration, BODY Play is an
ever-evolving project that explores the ways in which we reconcile personal identity with
our physical body; how we learn to inhabit our bodies, and discover what they are
capable of.
The project was initially conceived in 2010 as part of a college-level solo performance
class, but it was brought to life in New Orleans, in 2012, when Kaycee partnered with
local actress Kacey Skye Musick. Kaycee spent the summer of 2012 traveling up and
down the east coast conducting interviews with friends and family. Upon returning to
New Orleans, she reached out to acquaintances, poets, musicians, dancers and was
approached by some people who had heard about the project and wanted to tell their
story.
Kaycee and Kacey transcribed these interviews, selected complete excerpts from each
conversation, and worked to build them into a cohesive, 14-monologue, solo
performance piece. BODY Play premiered in the Fall of 2012 at the New Orleans Fringe
Festival, performed by Kacey Skye Musick and directed by Kaycee Filson, under the
name of their new performance collective: the Live Oak Collective.
Since then, Kaycee has performed BODY Play in Philadelphia and upstate New York as
part of solo performance festivals, an interdisciplinary performance series, and at
colleges and high schools. After each performance, Kaycee holds a talkback with the
audience to receive feedback about the piece, and audience members can sign up to
be interviewed. Since its premiere in 2012, the collection of interviews has grown from
14 to nearly 50, and includes a wide range of people varying in age, gender identity,
race, class, physical ability, and sexual orientation.
BODY Play is still growing and always seeks to be more inclusive and representative. If
you have a story to tell, or if you are interested in bringing BODY Play to you, please
contact Kaycee at: kaycee@liveoaknola.org or visit www.liveoaknola.org.
BODY Play
Printed in the United States of America by Next Left Press
Ascension, LA 70734
Copyright 2015 Kaycee Filson
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced
or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of
the author.
All monologues are the property of Kaycee Filson, Live Oak Collective, and
the original interviewees. Monologues are not to reproduced or performed
in any way without the authors express permission. For all questions
regarding BODY Play, please visit www.liveoaknola.org
Performing Arts copyright registered with Library-of-Congress
ISBN-13: 978-0-9962374-6-8
layout & book design by Geoff Munsterman
FIRST EDITION
Your heart,
your heart will beat over a million times in one lifetime.
I'm sure you'll find someone who won't mind skipping one for you.
Your left lung was made smaller than your right lung
just to make room for that very heart inside of you.
Your stomach needs to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks
or it would digest itself.
Listen never become complacent while living life on a shelf.
There's a reason for every limb and interaction
Body, my God, created like instrument.
Every year about 98% of the atoms in your body are replaced.
You were born with 300 bones,
when you get to be an adult, you have two hundred and six,
you need to grow the fuck up.
You need to grow out of things.
You need to keep on living.
There are too many more interesting lessons
Fifty million blood cells are destroyed in the human body every second.
If your body can get over it, you can get over that last relationship.
You gotta believe in your body.
You gotta believe in faith,
and you must believe in luck.
The surface of human skin is 6.5 square feet so you must toughen up.
The body
the body contains enough iron to make a three inch nail,
sulfur to kill fleas on an average dog,
carbon to make five hundred pencils,
fat to make seven bars of soap,
phosphorus to make twenty-two hundred match heads,
and enough water to fill a ten gallon tank
fuck a superhero - you are fucking human.
You are incredible.
You are a valuable life force.
You are a walking Picasso.
My Body Is My Thruft Store
Toughen Up
Poet
27
You are creatively created.

You are hand made like praying
You are a piece of the creator,
You
you human you.
And if you never knew that that was enough
to just be,
well you obviously don't know
a Goddamn thing.
BODY
PLAY
KAYCEE FILSON
MY BODY IS MY PLAYGROUND. CANVAS. OUTSIDE. PRISON. TOOL. LIBRARY. BATTLEGROUND.

VEHICLE. THRIFT STORE. INSTRUMENT. HOME. NEMESIS. MACHINE. POINT OF ACCESS. SCULPTING
CLAY. ANCHOR. TEACHER. OCEAN. LIGHTNING ROD. RIVAL. BOUNCY CASTLE. FIRE. MEMORY.
CONDUIT. CHALLENGE. ENEMY. EMERGENCY STASH OF WEED THAT NEVER GETS ROLLED. HONDA
CIVIC. BOOTY CLAP. DUTY. TEMPLE. CONTAINER & BRIDGE. VICTIM. ZOO. REMINDER. CELEBRATION.
STORYTELLER. DUTY. PLEASURE. FUCK PALACE. POWER HOUSE. PLAYGROUND. BEST FRENEMY.
ARCHIVE. SECRET WEAPON. PHOBIA. BUDDY. WINDUP TOY. NEGLECTED PILE OF LAUNDRY.
MASTERPIECE IN PROGRESS. TESTIMONY. SPACE SHIP. GIFT. PROJECT. ADVENTURE. VEHICLE.
PARADOX. BEST FRIEND AND MY WORST ENEMY. 3RD WHEEL. 1 MAN BATTLEGROUND. FREEDOM.
BOYFRIENDS PLAYGROUND. RESILIENT. MAD HOUSE. KEEPER. PIT BULLS PILLOW. SPACE SUIT. TRAVEL
AGENTV. MAP. OPPORTUNITY. SOUL. LIMITATION. 1ST MATE. CO-PILOT. SIDEKICK. SEMI-CONNECTED.
CELEBRATION. DANCE. NARRATIVE. TRUTH. COHORT. FORTRESS. FRENEMY. REALITYS CREATOR.
UNAT TAINABLE O B SES SION. CATS BO DY. INST R UMENT. P OTENTIAL. ESCAPE. AP OLO GY V.
CONFIDANT. ORACLE. BRAIN CONTAINER. ILLUSION. MAP. PAIN. LIFE. CANVAS. INVISIBLE. BOOK.
PALACE. BEST FRIEND. VICTIM TO THE EXERCISE. BITCH - IT DOES WHAT I WANT. . MULTICELLULAR
ORGANISM. WORKSHOP. FORCE. CONFIDENT. INSTRUMENT. IDENTITY. INHABITATION. BELOVED
NEMESIS. LOVELY. LIGHTNING ROD. MIRROR. KALEIDOSCOPE. STARSHIP. PROPERTY. TOOL. QUIET
SISTER. SIGNAL. PRISON/ECHO CHAMBER. TEMPLE. BURDEN. CONDUIT. GENESIS. PLANET. TEACHERFRIEND. VEHICLE FOR MY MIND. SINE WAVE. FAVORITE. OWN.
MY BODY IS STRONG. FLUID(ITY). LOVED. FINE. ME. ABLE TO DO WHAT I NEED IT TO DO. A GIFT
(AND A CURSE). HEALING. INCONVENIENT. GLAD. A LIE. MAKES ME WHO I AM. RESILIENT. TRYING TO
MAKE IT MY OWN AGAIN. GETTING THERE. A CHICKEN (DRAWING OF A CHICKEN). FINITE. SUBJECT
TO A LOT OF MY BRAINS BULLSHIT. CAPABLE AND KNOWS MORE THAN I DO. MINE. TEMPORARY.
THE OUTWARD REFLECTION OF ME. SOMEWHERE THERE, SOMEWHERE ELSE. A CHAMBER OF
ECHOES. THE THING I CANT CONTROL. IMPORTANT. FULL OF CHIPS. TINY(IER THAN MYSELF).
GREATER THAN THE SUM OF ITS PARTS. SUPERNATURAL. ME. PLACID. THEATRICAL. MUSCULAR.
SOMETHING I WANT MY BRAIN TO BECOME ONE WITH. FULL OF UNKNOWN ANSWERS AND SECRETS.
NOT BEAUTIFUL. A SPONGE ABSORBING ALL INFO. YOUNG. A DEEP RIVER. STURDY. DURABLE. HEALS.
ITS A TRAP! COURAGEOUS. VALUABLE AND WORTH EVERYTHING!. MACHINE, THROUGH WHICH
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. A WONDERLAND. UNDEFINABLE. REMEMBERING ITSELF. (KAYCEES) LOLLIPOP
GUILD. TOUGH. HEALING. A WALL. A BREAK AWAY FROM THE WHOLE. FUCKING HUMAN (YOU NEED
TO GROW THE FUCK UP). BEST WHEN SHAKING. FULL OF ENERGY AND LOVE <3. ME. IMPECCABLE.
CONTINGENT. SOFT.
28
NEXT LEFT PRESS

ASCENSION, LA
Thanks To
Zakiyyah Alexander, Geoff Munsterman, Lindsay Durbin, Jackie Schrauger,

Beck Cooper, Tom McDonnell, Kacey Skye Musick, Cameron-Mitchell Ware,
and, most importantly, everyone who told their story for this piece.
PUBLISHERS NOTE
Located near the brackish waters of Alligator Bayou Swamp
in Ascension Parish, Louisiana, Next Left Press publishes
imperfect, handmade chapbooks using print methods and
materials that reflect both the content of the words as well as
the personality of the artist. Each book is unique, and all
Next Left titles are printed in limited-run editions. Any reprints or revised editions are made at the authors request.
Next Left Press does not profit in the sale of books. All profits
go directly to the artists because were artists, collaborating
with other artists, to create an enhanced reading experience.
We hope yall enjoy.
for more information, like our facebook page or email us at:
My Body is My
PLAYGROUND. CANVAS. OUTSIDE. PRISON. TOOL. LIBRARY. BATTLEGROUND. VEHICLE. THRIFT STORE.
INSTRUMENT. HOME. NEMESIS. MACHINE. POINT OF ACCESS. SCULPTING CLAY. ANCHOR. TEACHER.
OCEAN. LIGHTNING ROD. RIVAL. BOUNCY CASTLE. FIRE. MEMORY. CONDUIT. CHALLENGE. ENEMY.
EMERGENCY STASH OF WEED THAT NEVER GETS ROLLED. HONDA CIVIC. BOOTY CLAP. DUTY.
TEMPLE. CONTAINER & BRIDGE. VICTIM. ZOO. REMINDER. CELEBRATION. STORYTELLER. DUTY.
PLEASURE. FUCK PALACE. POWER HOUSE. PLAYGROUND. BEST FRENEMY. ARCHIVE. SECRET WEAPON.
PHOBIA. BUDDY. WINDUP TOY. NEGLECTED PILE OF LAUNDRY. MASTERPIECE IN PROGRESS.
TESTIMONY. SPACE SHIP. GIFT. PROJECT. ADVENTURE. VEHICLE. PARADOX. BEST FRIEND AND MY
WORST ENEMY. 3RD WHEEL. 1 MAN BATTLEGROUND. FREEDOM. BOYFRIENDS PLAYGROUND.
RESILIENT. MAD HOUSE. KEEPER. PIT BULLS PILLOW. S PACE S UIT. TRAVEL AGENTV. MAP.
OPPORTUNITY. SOUL. LIMITATION. 1ST MATE. CO-PILOT. SIDEKICK. SEMI-CONNECTED. CELEBRATION.
DANCE. NARRATIVE. TRUTH. COHORT. FORTRESS. FRENEMY. REALITYS CREATOR. UNATTAINABLE
OBSESSION. CATS BODY. INSTRUMENT. POTENTIAL. ESCAPE. APOLOGYV. CONFIDANT. ORACLE.
BRAIN CONTAINER. ILLUSION. MAP. PAIN. LIFE. CANVAS. INVISIBLE. BOOK. PALACE. BEST FRIEND.
VICTIM TO THE EXERCISE. BITCH - IT DOES WHAT I WANT. . MULTICELLULAR ORGANISM. WORKSHOP.
FORCE. CONFIDENT. INSTRUMENT. IDENTITY. INHABITATION. BELOVED NEMESIS. LOVELY. LIGHTNING
ROD. MIRROR. KALEIDOSCOPE. STARSHIP. PROPERTY. TOOL. QUIET SISTER. SIGNAL. PRISON/ECHO
CHAMBER. TEMPLE. BURDEN. CONDUIT. GENESIS. PLANET. TEACHER-FRIEND. VEHICLE FOR MY MIND.
SINE WAVE. FAVORITE. OWN.
www.nextleftpress.com
STRONG. FLUID(ITY). LOVED. FINE. ME. ABLE TO DO WHAT I NEED IT TO DO. A GIFT (AND A CURSE).
HEALING. INCONVENIENT. GLAD. A LIE. MAKES ME WHO I AM. RESILIENT. TRYING TO MAKE IT MY
OWN AGAIN. GETTING THERE. A CHICKEN (DRAWING OF A CHICKEN). FINITE. SUBJECT TO A LOT OF
MY BRAINS BULLSHIT. CAPABLE AND KNOWS MORE THAN I DO. MINE. TEMPORARY. THE OUTWARD
REFLECTION OF ME. SOMEWHERE THERE, SOMEWHERE ELSE. A CHAMBER OF ECHOES. THE THING I
CANT CONTROL. IMPORTANT. FULL OF CHIPS. TINY(IER THAN MYSELF). GREATER THAN THE SUM OF
ITS PARTS. SUPERNATURAL. ME. PLACID. THEATRICAL. MUSCULAR. SOMETHING I WANT MY BRAIN TO
BECOME ONE WITH. FULL OF UNKNOWN ANSWERS AND SECRETS. NOT BEAUTIFUL. A SPONGE
ABSORBING ALL INFO. YOUNG. A DEEP RIVER. STURDY. DURABLE. HEALS. ITS A TRAP! COURAGEOUS.
VALUABLE AND WORTH EVERYTHING!. MACHINE, THROUGH WHICH ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. A
WONDERLAND. UNDEFINABLE. REMEMBERING ITSELF. (KAYCEES) LOLLIPOP GUILD. TOUGH. HEALING. A
WALL. A BREAK AWAY FROM THE WHOLE. FUCKING HUMAN (YOU NEED TO GROW THE FUCK UP).
BEST WHEN SHAKING. FULL OF ENERGY AND LOVE <3. ME. IMPECCABLE. CONTINGENT. SOFT.
My Body is
KAYCEE
FILSON

KAYCEE
FILSON


BODY Play Full Script

Загружено:

Сведения о документе

Авторское право

Доступные форматы

Поделиться этим документом

Поделиться или встроить документ

Параметры публикации

Этот документ был вам полезен?

Это неприемлемый материал?

Авторское право:

Доступные форматы

BODY Play Full Script

Загружено:

Авторское право:

Доступные форматы

KAYCEE

My Body is Strong. Fluid(ity). Loved. Fine. Me. Able to do what I need it

Zakiyyah Alexander, Geoff Munsterman, Lindsay Durbin, Jackie Schrauger,

You are creatively created.

MY BODY IS MY PLAYGROUND. CANVAS. OUTSIDE. PRISON. TOOL. LIBRARY. BATTLEGROUND.

NEXT LEFT PRESS

My Body Is My Thruft Store

Beautiful and Romantic and Tragic

About BODY Play

LIVE OAK COLLECTIVE

All Day, Every Day

About Live Oak Collective

WHEN IT FEELS GOOD

DESPITE YOUR BODY

MY OWN FREE WILL

NOW I DARE YOU TO MAKE FUN OF ME, IM FLY

ALL DAY EVERY DAY

BEAUTIFUL AND ROMANTIC AND TRAGIC AND HILARIOUS AND MEANINGFUL 26

For Jackie, in whom I always find home

When It Feels Good

You Wouldnt Understand, Youre White!

Now I Dare You To Make Fun of Me, I'm Fly

Im so shy, its gonna be so hard

I remember whenever I first developed stretch marks, oh my god! It was bad.

That shit dont go away!

Special Gym Class

[Small laugh] Thats the end of that story.

Despite Your Body

We decided to try to have another child. We finally got to a place where we

My Body Is My Emergency Stash

of Weed That Never Gets Rolled

My Own Free Will

My Body Is My Emergency Stash

of Weed That Never Gets Rolled

My Own Free Will

Despite Your Body

[Small laugh] Thats the end of that story.

Special Gym Class

I remember whenever I first developed stretch marks, oh my god! It was bad.

That shit dont go away!

Im so shy, its gonna be so hard

You Wouldnt Understand, Youre White!

Now I Dare You To Make Fun of Me, I'm Fly

When It Feels Good

For Jackie, in whom I always find home

ALL DAY EVERY DAY

BEAUTIFUL AND ROMANTIC AND TRAGIC AND HILARIOUS AND MEANINGFUL 26

WHEN IT FEELS GOOD

DESPITE YOUR BODY

MY OWN FREE WILL

NOW I DARE YOU TO MAKE FUN OF ME, IM FLY

LIVE OAK COLLECTIVE

All Day, Every Day

About Live Oak Collective

Beautiful and Romantic and Tragic

About BODY Play

My Body Is My Thruft Store

You are creatively created.

MY BODY IS MY PLAYGROUND. CANVAS. OUTSIDE. PRISON. TOOL. LIBRARY. BATTLEGROUND.

NEXT LEFT PRESS

Zakiyyah Alexander, Geoff Munsterman, Lindsay Durbin, Jackie Schrauger,

My Body is Strong. Fluid(ity). Loved. Fine. Me. Able to do what I need it

My Body is Strong. Fluid(ity). Loved. Fine. Me. Able to do what I need it

Вам также может понравиться