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Text from my initial

WP1

An observation or
questions I received
from De Piero or
classmate

Changes I made!

How this change


impacts my paper:

There are many


types of literary
genre everywhere.

I think I told you this


in class (not sure why
you didn't change it),
but this "hook" isn't
very
attention-grabbing.
How can you get
your readers jazzed
up about reading
this? What interesting
topic-meets-writing
observations did you
make that you could
share with your
reader?

I did not change the


hook because I
figured the title was
attention grabbing
enough.

Not changing the first


sentence may leave
my paper sounding
boring.

Most genres has its


own exigency such
as Domestic
Violence Cases.

OK, I like how you're


using "exigence
here," now I'm
wondering: what IS
the exigence for
various genres in
domestic violence
cases?

Exigence is the
circumstance or
condition that invites
a response.

Since my paper is
based on Domestic
Violence i think it was
important to define
Exigence! Reading
these cases invites
the sad response.

If you are not familiar


with domestic
violence you should
take a look at a
victim's written
statement writing is
a word-by-word,
sentence-by-sentenc
e process(Bunn 72)
that can help you
better understand
exactly what you are
reading.

I like how you're


citing Bunn here, but
I don't know if this
flows within the
sentence as
smoothly as it could.
You might be missing
a word or a phrase.
Trying reading it
aloud to see if you
can "hear" what's
going on.

When reading
domestic violence
cases, the case will
grab more attention if
the victim and her
perpetrator are well
known.

Instead of using
Bunns quote to finish
my introductory
paragraph, I inserted
a thesis statement

If you are a celebrity


the media outlets
such as TMZ should
have reports and the
celebrity statements
posted on their
website. Domestic
disturbances also
occur in the sports
world.

This is interesting
stuff here, Santiago,
but -- as a reader -- I
feel like you're
jumping around a bit
too much. Use your
topic sentence to
give your reader a
preview of what's
coming up in the
paragraph.

This paragraph is
going to be about
domestic
disturbances
occurring in the NFL.
For example,
according to Ryan
Phillips's article, the
NFL does not handle
domestic violence
cases properly.

I made it clear that


this paragraph was
gonna be about DV
occurring in the NFL

Pushed her against a


door, yelled at her or
slammed on the
floor in April 2015.
The Giants then
gave Brown a 2 year,
$4 million deal in
April, before his
suspension. When
The Giant's coach
Roger Goodell was
asked about the
behavior of Brown he
claims that he was
not given enough
facts from the law
enforcement and this
prevented him from
taking further
actions, besides the
one suspension.

OK, this is all


interesting, but I'm
wondering why
you're telling me this.
How/why does this
relate to your main
argument?

According to police
documents, Brown's
wife Molly accused
him of being physical
with her more than
20 times in the year
2015. The Giants
then gave Brown a 2
year, $4 million deal
in April, before his
suspension.

Instead of writing
about the incident i
shortened it. I also
didn't include the
coach because this is
about Josh Brown,
and his wife.

Celebrity domestic
disputes have a lot of
textual literacy.
Police reports such
as- what the problem
is, where did the
crime happen, what

There were so many


comments here
stating confusion and
asking W
HY is this
information needed.
What does this have
to do with my

Here is another
Domestic Violence
written in Huffington
Post, this article is
titled This Is How A
Domestic Violence
Victim Falls Through

I realized that in my
initial WP1, I had a
lot of information that
didn't really fit into
the assignment or the
argument. So i
deleted that

time did this occur,


and who is involved.
Some more literacy
can also be
documents that the
police found or
statements.
If you wish to see the
domestic violence
statistics visit the
Bureau of Justice
Statistics website.
The website site
shows studies that
compares the
domestic and
non-domestic
offenses of sexual
and aggravated
assault on 11
prosecution,
conviction, and
sentencing outcome
measures. This data
states that domestic
sexual assault
dependants have a
98% rate of overall
conviction. It also
states Domestic
aggravated assault
defendants (54%)
were less likely to be
granted pretrial
release than
non-domestic
aggravated assault
defendants (62%).

argument?

The Cracks. This


story is about a
woman named Laura
Aceves who lived in
Berryville, Arkansas.
Laura was abused by
her now ex-boyfriend
Victor
Acuna-Sanchez.
Laura however, is not
famous so her story
most liking won't
make headlines.
Laura was stalked
and shot by her ex
boyfriend, whom she
tried to avoid on
several occasion.
One day Laura told
the police officer that
she had suspected
that Victor poured
bleach in her gas
tank, she even told
the police officer
where Victor might
be located, but he
was not found. At the
time Victor was
charged with two
prior attack of
aggravated assaulted
towards Laura. Victor
was out on bail with
the court order to
have no contact with
Laura and to check in
with probation by
phone each week..
Victor was not
charged because

paragraph and
continued on with
my next case, which i
trimmed up the
paragraph and tried
to leave out the
unimportant parts.

Laura was blamed for


her own death.
allegedly beat her
with a baseball bat,
dragged her behind a
car, strangled her
until she blacked out
on the floor and told
her over and over
how he would kill her
if she ever left him.
One day after Laura
had finished her shift
at work she realized
that someone had
poured bleach in her
gas tank, terrified
she called 911.
Laura told the police
officer that she had
suspected that Victor
was behind all this,
she even told the
police officer where
Victor might be
located.

OK.... what does this


have to do with our
assignment -- with
studying writing and
writers' decisions?

Jacquelyn Campbell(
the country's leading
expert on domestic
homicide) testifies
that Arkansas did not
use the screening
tool that she has
created. This screen
tool consists of a
series of questions
that a victim of
violence should be
asked, based on their
answer you can then
determine if they are
in serious danger and
how it can be
prevented. If Laura
were to have taken
the screening test it
would have proved
that she was in
extreme danger. Now
several states have
screening test for
their victims.

I decided to delete
the whole getting
beat with a baseball
thing.That paragraph
wasnt needed so I
put the paragraph
about the screening
tool in its polace.

. 48 hours later
Laura was found
dead in her
apartment with a
gunshot wound to
the head and her 4
month old baby still
in her arms. Laura's
plead for protection
was completely

I'm not seeing how


this is relevant to this
assignment,
Santiago. These
seem like very
important details,
but... so what? Why
are the details of a
case important for us,
here, studying writing
and genres and

Both of these articles


portray a sense of
pathos. One of our
victims lost her life
but the other is alive.
One article is mainly
focused on the male
perpetrator while the
other article is
focused on the

I decided to compare
and contrast the two
victims and how
regardless of their
reputation, justice
was not met.

ignored in Arkansas,
Laura's mother Ms.
Ponce is devastated.
Ms.Ponce told the
Sheriff of Berryville
what Victor is
capable of she even
gave him the history
of his past
aggression towards
her daughter, but
Victor didn't serve
much jail time.

exigences and tone


and audience, etc,
etc?

female victim.
Perhaps if Laura
Aceves was famous,
her death would be
made more
worldwide, maybe
she would still be
alive today. In Ryan
Phillips's article about
Josh Brown, he
included details
about the NFL player.
Ryan mentions that
Brown is a kicker for
the New York Giants,
he also mentions the
$4 million dollar deal
that Brown was
offered. In this case
his wife Molly wasn't
really provided with
much information.
The only information
about Molly that we
know are her
accusations. Despite
being the wife of a
famous football
player, she did NOT
get the justice she
deserved.

Text from my initial


WP2 submission

An observation or
questions I received
from De Piero or
classmate

Changes i made!

How this change


impacts my paper:

Whether it be,
beneficial to our
health or for religious
purposes.

This is an incomplete
sentence,
Santiagoit lacks a
subject/noun (who or
what the sentence is
about) and a
verb/predicate that,
together, form a
complete thought. I
strongly recommend
that you check out
this resource:
http://writingcenter.un
c.edu/handouts/sente
nce-patterns/.
Incomplete
sentences generally
arent valued in
academic writing,
although theyre still
common in creative
writing,
magzine/op-eds,
advertisements/sloga
ns, etc. Basically, you
need a 2nd part to
this "Whether it be X
or Y, Z
...." What's
that Z? (PS: It could
be the first sentence
of your paper.)

Both Aamodt and


Rodriguez aims to
persuade their
readers by using
textual evidence,
conventions, or
rhetorical devices.
With that being said,
Diets do not
effectively work.

Based on your Intro,


I'm anticipating that
your paper is going to
hit on dieting from a
religious perspective
and a hard/natural
science
perspective.... but I
don't know how/if
Aamodt and
Rodriguez are a part

Whether it be,
beneficial to our
health or for religious
purposes or to simply
try out new foods.

Aamodt is a

neuroscientist
compared to
Rodriguez who is a
nutritionist. Both
Aamodt and
Rodriguez aims to
persuade their
readers by using
textual evidence such

Its now a complete


sentence

I introduced both
authors ahead of
time which can give
my readers more
background
information of who i
am writing about.

of that. Is it worth
clearing this up early
on and telling me
"Aamodt is a
religious scholar..."
etc.?
-Also, I'd like a little
bit more direction in
your thesis: what
KIND OF evidence,
WHICH conventions,
and WHAT rhetorical
devices? Give me a
little bit more of a
preview of what I can
expect to come up
later on in your
paper.
Both of these pieces
have a similar topic,
but the argument
presented between
the two definitely
have its own
purpose. How can we
determine whether
both of these articles
construct different
arguments? One
prime example can
be the use of their
moves

Great! After read this,


I'm thinking: cool, this
paragraph is going to
focus in on the
authors' different
purposes, which is a
fundamental idea.
(It's good to include
this sooner in your
paper, rather than
later.)

as referencing
experiments or
everyday facts we
already know,
conventions, or
rhetorical devices as
persuasion. With that
being said, Diets do
not effectively work.

One prime example


can be the use of
their moves,
another example can
be that each author
presents their own
rhetorical message.
In literature the term
moves have many
different concepts, I
am using this term to
identify decisions or
strategies that each
author used when
writing their articles.
Rhetorical messages
are something the
author will use to
make you believe
that their argument or
article is legit, which
can be beliefs,
documents, facts,
interest, motives.

So the main idea can


be more clear!

(Bitzer 306).
Understanding the
different moves and
rhetorical messages
in each of these that
each author used is
very important when
comparing and
contrasting these
articles.

. In literature the term Wait a second, you're One prime example


moves have many
different concepts, I
am using this term to
identify decisions or
strategies that each
author used when
writing their articles.
Rhetorical messages
are something the
author will use to
make you believe
that their argument or
article is legit, such
as Constraints which
can be beliefs,
documents, facts,
interest, motives.

jumping around it
looks like -- you just
told me you were
going to inform me
about how/why the
writers' purposes
were different.

can be the use of


their moves,
another example can
be that each author
presents their own
rhetorical message.
In literature the term
moves have many
different concepts, I
am using this term to
identify decisions or
strategies that each
author used when
writing their articles.
Rhetorical messages
are something the
author will use to
make you believe
that their argument or
article is legit, which
can be beliefs,
documents, facts,
interest, motives.
(Bitzer 306).
Understanding the
different moves and
rhetorical messages
in each of these that
each author used is

I am not jumping
around anymore, its
clear that im talking
about moves.

very important when


comparing and
contrasting these
articles.

Aamodt starts off her Is this all 1 sentence? Aamodt starts off her

article with a quote


and then starts to tell
us about her
experience on The
Biggest Loser
Aamodt argues The
problem isn't
willpower. Its
neuroscience.

article with a quote


and then starts to tell
us about her
experience on The
Biggest Loser.
Aamodt argues The
problem isn't
willpower. Its
neuroscience.