C H A P T E R

T E N

Improve Your
Love Life
What kind of relationship do you desire to establish? Is it time to change how you
view your relationship? Everyone wants to have a warm, joyful, fulfilling relationship in
which shared experiences encourage mutual growth and happiness. But many people
would be thrilled just to find themselves in a relationship that is not a source of pain or
anguish. Even when the relationship doesnt breed conflict, couples often experience the
fear-based emotions of jealousy, possessiveness, anger and envy. Yet they talk of love.
Dont wait for your mate to effect positive change. Like any aspect of life; you get as
much out of a relationship as you put into it. Most people dont take the initiative in
their lives. Rather, they live life at minimal risk, waiting for others to take the initiative
so they can react. Positive change must begin with your efforts. You may fear you will be
rejected or your attempts may fail. Maybe you wont succeed, but at least you become an
active participant and know you gave your best. Responsibility is the basis of
transformation.

1. Do things together.
Activity builds a strong foundation for a good relationship. These activities should
be other than having sex or watching television together. Get out and exercise together,
work on a shared hobby, socialize, share a crossword puzzle, cook a gourmet meal
together or do something you both enjoy. When you can be friends as well as lovers
your union will be much more likely to serve as a refuge of balance and harmony.

2. Do things separately.
Individual activity is essential for the personal development of each partner. Always
challenge yourself with new learning that will support your self-esteem. You need to
take the time to nourish yourself emotionally and psychologically. Remain independent
in spirit, yet committed to the partnership.

3. Support each other in ways

that increase self-esteem.
This is critical to a good relationship, for to love another you must love yourself.
And if you feel good about yourself it is much more likely that you will feel good about
the relationship. Provide comfort to each other in the midst of worldly concerns.

4. Realize the importance of sex

make time, make it important.
The hectic pressures of dealing with career and family make it difficult to sustain
love and passion in our modern world. Today, the modern working woman is often too
tired, busy, or exhausted to put a great deal of energy into feeling sexy. Men are no
different.
Plan your lovemaking times so you have the energy and imagination to give it your
best. Dont wait until bedtime to start thinking about sex. Begin the foreplay outside of
the bedroom, in your minds eye. Allow erotic thoughts to flicker in your mind
throughout the day. This can lead to a more exiting sexual encounter later on. Your
mind is the most erotic organ in your body. Use it to create sexy situations.
Talk sexy and make sexy requests. If youre a woman ask him to unzip your dress,
or say, I want to make love to you right now because I feel so turned on by you. Tell
him youre not wearing any panties. Tell her you want to read her some erotic passages
from a book.
Flirt with each other using clothing, settings, voice inflection, eye language, and
body language. Flirting is playing ... its a come-on. Be attentive and appreciative. There
are no rules and its all a matter of personal taste, but make the effort to make the effort.
We all know how to flirt, even if we think we dont.
Sex is a great reliever of tension, and some experts say it even slows the aging
process of the skin. As exercise, sex benefits your heart just as aerobics do. And, statistics
show that nuns and women who abstain from sex have more cancer of the uterus,
ovaries and breasts than those experiencing active sex lives. Evidence suggests that
sexual contentment can normalize irregular menstrual cycles and alleviate PMS.
Food and sex both provide physical gratification. When you dont experience
enough touching and tenderness, or if you feel unwanted you may turn to food to fulfill
your needs. So make sex a priority in your life. If you allow other things to be more
important, chances are you arent going to experience first-rate sex.

5. Take time for honest verbal communication in which

real sharing takes place.
Communication between the sexes has never been easy and today, with both men
and women working its a wonder we have any time at all for intimate exchange and
contact.
But lack of communication is often the primary cause of problems. One person
doesnt know how the other really feels because there has been no direct discussion of
the subject. Either it is too difficult to say what we really feel or both people assume they
know and have thus established distorted concepts and behaviors based upon their own
inaccurate viewpoint.
Realize that a dull love life may be the result of other problems in your relationship.
The greatest aphrodisiac is a loving and caring relationship. A relationship history of
conflicts, fights, and unresolved hurts is going to dampen your love life. If thats the case
its time to end the conflict and begin rebuilding your relationship by showing that you
care. Compromise and mutual confrontation of problems is critical to a successful, longlasting relationship.

A good place to begin communicating is with a listening lesson. In your particular

situation it may be difficult to ask your partner to really talk openly. But you can broach
the subject by offering to let them speak uninterrupted for ten minutes. Then it will be
your turn to talk for ten minutes. When youre both done, youll talk to each other, but
only ask questions. Neither of you are allowed to make any statements; you will only be
able to phrase your responses in the form of a question. This exercise blocks you from
responding defensively, and teaches both of you to listen with an open mind.
The second step in the listening lesson exercise is to communicate with each other as
you would normally, but tape-record the conversation. Then after 30 minutes, listen to
the tape togetherto what is said and to the tone of your voices. Then, each of you is
allowed ten uninterrupted minutes to tell your partner how you feel about the recorded
communications.
The third step can be verbally communicated, or written for those who find it easier
to write than talk. The idea is to come up with ten things about your partner that bother
you. After trading lists each of you is allotted uninterrupted communication time. And
again, this is followed by questions only ... then, full non-defensive communication. This
step in the exercise should be given an adequate amount of time to assure that your list
is not motivated by anger or fear. Try to communicate with a generous spirit; often these
things are lifelong behaviors that the other person doesnt even recognize as
bothersome.
The fourth step is to verbally communicate or write down five relationship situations
that upset you so much you havent been able to get over them. These are usually more
emotional circumstances and require patience and the willingness to accept personal
responsibility. Follow this with the same uninterrupted communication, followed by
questions only, and then full non-defensive communication.
If you can challenge yourselves to participate in this exercise, you will be amazed at
the progress you can make.

6. Talk about your sex life.

When discussing sex with your partner, it may be necessary to let your mate know
that youre talking about something very important to you. Never approach the
discussion negatively, or with blame. If you do, your partner will become defensive.
Instead, start the discussion by saying, There is so much that I enjoy about our sex life,
but what about considering some ways to make it even better? And once you start
talking, talk for short periods, and then give your lover a chance to respond.
Open, honest communications are critical to improving your love life. Dont expect
your lover to read your mind. Really communicate. Even if it is difficult for you, take a
chance and share your needs, desires, wishes and fantasies. You may feel that your
partner should know these things without being told, but that often isnt the case.
Honestly communicate your needs. If you dont you are wearing a mask. A mask of
repression, a fear-based emotion we all experience. However, what you repress never
goes away. It will surface when you grow tired of resisting it. Its like holding a rubber
raft under the water. As long as you exert enough effort you can hold it down, but
eventually, youll get tired, and it will surface in an undesirable form. Repressed sexual
energy can become perverted or turn into anger. The only way to eliminate repression is
to be direct and honest in your communications.

7. Dont be afraid to share

your sexual fantasies.
Everyone, at least on occasion, has fantasies before and during sex. If they wont
admit it, they dont feel secure enough to share themselves totally. If this is the case you
need to make your partner feel more secure, or you must talk to your lover about your
own security needs.
Life is insecure, love is insecure. Insecurity is based on the belief that you wont ever
have enough: enough love, enough sex, enough attention ... but the most you can ever
get from your lover is for them to be all of who they really are. And vice versa. This
means you must be all of who you really are. No masks. Share everything, including
your wildest fantasies.
Fantasies arent good or bad, they just are, and there should be no judgment
involved. Having a wild fantasy doesnt mean it has to be expressed in reality. Most
fantasies are never manifested. But sharing your fantasy will surely turn you on, and it
might turn on your lover.
Here are eight of the most common female fantasies, according to several surveys: 1)
Sex with a man she hasnt had intercourse with; 2) Past sexual experiences; 3) Group sex;
4) Other womens bodies or making love to a woman; 5) Being coerced into having sex
with a man; 6) Having sex with more than one man, a threesome or a lineup of men; 7)
A threesome with her husband or lover and another woman; and 8) Sex in a nonsexual
place, such as in a public place.
Now here are eight of the most common male fantasies. They are almost identical: 1)
Sex with a woman he hasnt had intercourse with; 2) Past sexual experiences; 3) Sex with
two or more women simultaneously; 4) His wife or lover having sexual relations with
another man; 5) A threesome with his wife or lover and another woman; 6) A threesome
with his wife or lover and another man; 7) Sex with a younger woman; and 8) Watching
a woman perform in an enticing way, including having sex with another woman.
Statistically then, most couples are having the same fantasies, so there should be no fear
in expressing them.

8. Express yourself sexually.

Realize that sexual problems result from repression. So many people worry that they
are weird, or that theyre the only one who does this, or thinks that. This lowers selfesteem, and often makes sex a problem issue. But ... we all do the same things. People
are predictable, yet each of us worries about being an exception. Here are some facts
based upon six sexual studies: Eighty-two percent of women masturbate. Eighty-three
percent of men masturbate on a regular basis even if theyre married. At least 20 percent
of all women have had a homosexual experience to orgasm. One third of all men have
had a homosexual experience to orgasm. Statistics indicate much higher percentages of
people who would like to have a homosexual experience but do not out of fear or lack of
opportunity.
It is believed by many of the most prominent sexual researchers that each of us is
inherently bisexual. It is only health concerns and social pressures that keep us from
expressing what we really are.
Over a third of all married women have had an affair, and only a small percentage of
these were because of deep emotional dissatisfaction with their husbands. Over half of

all married men have had an affair. One major poll claimed 72 percent. One percent of
women have been involved sexually with an animal. Most people enjoy oral sex and a
good percentage enjoy anal sex. Statistics are more difficult to obtain in other areas of
sexuality, such as group sex, swinging, threesomes, S&M, et cetera ... But millions of
people have had these sexual experiences. And what about the average frequency of
sexual intercourse? Statistics show that generally, a couple in their 20s are likely to have
sex every day. 30-to 40-year-olds have sex between two and three times a week, 40-to 50years-olds once a week, and 60 plus, less than once a week. Two out of three men in
their 70s are still sexually active.
These are just some facts about what is with sex. And, youre not abnormal if none
of the fantasies or statistics relate to you. Objective norms dont really exist. There is no
right or wrong. The idea is to stop judging yourself and stop judging others. Its time to
ask yourself, Does what I do sexually work for me? Does it manifest love, health and
happiness ... and does it allow me full self-expression?

9. Stop blaming.
It is easier for many people to blame others and fate for their circumstances, and to
play the part of the victim, than to take responsibility for their life. But blame is nothing
but an expression of self-pity. And blame always makes matters worse, leastwise by
programming your subconscious mind negatively. The subconscious mind operates like
a computer. Thus, if you program it with negativity, it will generate negativity. In data
processing terms this is GIGO: Garbage In, Garbage Out. So the idea is to give up all
blame. The happiest couples are those who take full responsibility for their lives.

10. Let go of expectations.

There are only two reasons to get upset with another human being. You want
approval or control. You either want the other person to approve of actions or desires ...
or you want to control their actions or reactions. When this doesnt happen, you get
upset, or hurt or mad.
Expectations are rarely in your best interest, because when the experiences dont live
up to your expectations, youll be disappointed, and unable to enjoy the experience for
what it is. But the biggest problem with expectations relates to other people. Whenever
you expect someone else to be the way you want them to be you are looking for trouble.
Surely you dont want to be forced to be the way someone expects you to be. No one can
change someone else, nor can they expect another person to be anything other than what
they are. When you attempt to change someone, the other person is forced to repress
who they really are, to be who you want them to be. Since long-term repression is
impossible, the forced change will not last, or it will result in new eruptions of
unsatisfactory behavior. It is absolutely impossible to change another human being unless they
want to change. So waiting around in expectation wont get you anywhere.

11. Give up needing to be right.

Your subconscious mind is programmed for you to be right. It operates like a
computer. It does not reason on its own. It simply responds to programming ... and its
most basic programming is to survive. Everything you consider saying or doing is
quickly run through your memory banks, comparing the present to related past

experiences. Your computer says it is all right for you to do what you do as compared to
the past, for when you did something similar in the past you survived. Since your
subconscious mind operates like a logical machine, it cannot be wrong. To be wrong
threatens its survival. So the only way it can function is to make you feel correct. Your
subconscious computer doesnt care if you get what you want out of life. It just needs to
be right to protect itself. So, your computer gets to be right and you lose the game.
By becoming aware of your programming you can begin to detach from the buttons
that cause you to act like a machine ... like a robot. A robot has no choice in the way it
acts. It has wiring and circuits that are set up so that when a button is pushed it reacts
according to programming. But you are the same way. Being challenged pushes your
button and you instantly need to be right.
So, knowing this, let the other person be right. Until you can move him past his need
to be right, there can be no real communication. Sometimes you can do this by simply
saying, Yes, I understand that you feel that way. This acknowledges his rightness and
can take him off of tilt. Then he can focus upon the problem at hand. When you give up
the need to be right, chances are youll start winning the game.

12. Start a stress-reduction program.

Marital therapists claim that couples of all ages are finding themselves too stressed
to make love to each other. The problem is they are overwhelmed by their nonsexual
problems. Some say this is a sign of our times. Stress causes a testosterone decrease in
males and falling estrogen levels in females. We are also genetically programmed, after
millions of years, to respond to stress first and sexual needs later. If our early ancestors
hadnt given priority to stressful situations, they probably wouldnt have survived.
If you feel that stress is dampening your love life, you need to start a stress-reduction
program. Begin immediately to investigate this subject. Read Chapter Five Reduce
Stress and begin the stress reduction program outlined.

13. Exercise!
Physical fitness is a definite advantage in the bedroom, if only because it enhances
endurance. All too often non-orgasmic women simply tire out before they can orgasm.
So if you are not already involved in an exercise program, it is time to start one. Even
moderate physical activity is accompanied by positive mental and physical changes.
Studies measuring mental function after a ten week program of jogging, calisthenics and
other physical recreation show significant improvements in intelligence, speed of
performance, learning and brain function, as well as decreased depression and lowered
anxiety. Memory, attention span and motivation were also positively affected by
exercise ... all of which indirectly relate to a better love life.

14. Nutritionally balance your diet.

A healthier body will result in an improved love life. An excess of foods containing
sugar and refined white flour will eventually rob you of your health, your energy, and
your sexual appetite. Even if you only incorporate the new government dietary
guidelines youll be served. Eliminate junk foods, replace red meat with fish, chicken or
turkey. Avoid foods containing cholesterol. Eat more fresh vegetables, many of them
raw. Also eat fresh fruits and 100 percent wholegrain bread, cereal, and pasta products.

Investigate sexual nutrition overall, and vitamin supplementation in particular. Male

and female sexual function is related to basic body chemistry and if you are not getting
enough of specific vitamins and minerals your body can sexually shut down. Investigate
by reading or visiting a good holistic nutritionist. You can also ask two or three different
health food stores for their suggestions.
As an example, for male sexual function, in addition to the commonly known
vitamins, the body needs iodine, zinc, sod, selenium, RNA, DNA, manganese,
bromelain, L-cysteine, choline and inositol. Vitamin supplements can be purchased in
any health food store, but you must investigate your particular needs very carefully.

15. Give up your vices to improve your sex life.

Heavy alcohol or tobacco use will interfere with sexual function. Nicotine constricts
the peripheral blood vessels, which reduces the blood supply to the penis, making it
more difficult to get an erection. Long-term nicotine intake causes increased
arteriosclerosis which will cut down the blood supply even more. Alcohol is a
depressant causing sedation and anesthesia and although it may lower your inhibitions
it also decreases sexual function. Marijuana may cause people to think they perceive
more sexual intensity, but research proves that isnt so. Also, research shows that while
marijuana distorts the sense of time and lowers inhibition, it does nothing to enhance
function, and it can reduce a mans ability to maintain an erection.

16. Take your TV set out of your bedroom.

All too often you get involved in a show, and stay tuned in for another hour or so.
Maybe your partner gets annoyed when you want to turn off the set, or you both watch
the show until youre so tired that you no longer have the energy for sex. Or maybe the
newscast is so depressing it kills the mood.

17. Actions speak louder than words;

show your love.
Feeling love is not enough. You have to show it. Take advantage of opportunities to
make physical contact, and to verbalize your love. Take your lovers hand when youre
watching TV or attending a movie. Snuggle up together when youre reading in bed.
And if opportunities to touch dont arise naturally, create situations to fit your needs.
Realize too, that touching doesnt necessarily need to be an invitation to have sex.

18. Identify your myths.

Beware of accepting some of the major myths about marriage. People dont live
happily ever after without working at it and really communicating. Also, both you and
your lover will change over the years, so your relationship is always evolving and
changing. Resisting change is unrealistic. And fighting wont destroy your marriage if
you stop fighting to win and use these conflicts as an opportunity to clarify
misunderstandings and learn what you both need. Both people need to realize that no
one gets exactly what they want out of the union. The idea is to respect each others
needs and compromise.

19. Let the little things go.

It really doesnt matter if the lid isnt on the toothpaste, if the toilet seat is up or
down or if the toilet paper rolls down the wall as it is pulled off the roll. Be big enough
to detach from the silly things that amount to getting to be right. Instead, start winning
the game. This really boils down to your viewpoint. You choose how you are going to
view what you experience. And your viewpoint is the deciding factor in whether you
will experience life harmoniously or disharmoniously. Your viewpoint is the sum total
of all your past experiences. It is acquired, not inherited. Thus it is alterable.

20. Take the self-strengthening test.

A self-strengthening question and answer process; the first question is to see how
self-centered you are:
How often do you judge yourself negatively, opposed to judging your lover
negatively?
Do you view your lover in a societal role opposed to as a person?
Although your lovers personality and needs may conflict with your personality and
needs, can you still value your lover for his or her unique qualities?
Do you view your lover in a husband or father role ... or a wife or mother role,
opposed to viewing them as the fully rounded individual they really are?
Do you want to change your lover?
Do you blame your lover for your current love life?
Your answers will show you the areas you need to work on.

21. Fully commit to your relationship.

Fully commit to your relationshipmentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally
and financially. Withholding reflects doubts that will undermine the foundation of your
union. Keeping one foot in the safety zone will also keep you from ever experiencing
your combined potential.

22. Use self-hypnosis.

Daily use of self-hypnosis mind programming will support your goal of improving
your love life. The final chapter tells you how.

Improve Your Love Life Summary

1. Do things together.
2. Do things separately.
3. Support each other in ways that increase self-esteem.
4. Realize the importance of sexmake time, make it important.
5. Take time for honest verbal communication in which real sharing takes place.
6. Talk about your sex life.

7. Dont be afraid to share your sexual fantasies.

8. Express yourself sexually.
9. Stop blaming.
10. Let go of expectations.
11. Give up needing to be right.
12. Start a stress-reduction program.
13. Exercise!
14. Nutritionally balance your diet.
15. Give up your vices to improve your sex life.
16. Take your TV set out of your bedroom.
17. Actions speak louder than words; show your love.
18. Identify your myths.
19. Let the little things go.
20. Take the self-strengthening test.
21. Fully commit to your relationship.

Affirmations

The final chapter explains how to use the following affirmations as self-talk and how
to include them in a self-hypnosis format for daily mind programming.
I accept my lovers uniqueness without expectations.
I support my lover in ways that increase self-esteem.
I let the little things go, detaching from negativity.
I totally commit to my relationship.
The greatest gift I can give my lover is to be all of who I am.
I am open to communicate and share myself.
I listen and am willing to appreciate my lovers position even when we dont agree.
I rise above anger by asking myself, Am I seeking approval or control?
I always make time for my lover.
I communicate what I want directly and honestly.
I would rather win the game than be right.
Every day I use opportunities to show my love.
I now nutritionally balance my diet and make exercise part of my lifestyle.
I realize that a loving and caring relationship is the ultimate aphrodisiac.