Summary of two years of devotion

-My first devotion was to Raja-Matangi. Before I even began, I was already in love with her
image. Initially, I mounted for her a weird but charming mobile altar, using randomly found
materials (for the remaining of my adoration, I kept collecting miscellaneous remains for her
altar). The first weeks were during a mountain retreat, and I would climb to a reclusive
waterfall every day to offer her some food remains. Also I would do it at night on the wildlife
at the houses yard. I had to face a lot of fears for being able to do this: fear of OVNIs when
exposed to the night sky, fear of human encounter (theres much christian bigotry round
here), fear of using a very dirty hand to ingest the necessary little bit of her offerings. These
fears would distract me from actually focusing at the goddess, though I tried (and some times
succeeded) trusting her protective spell. Since the start, I could stablish a magnetic
relationship with her, though it took a lot of time to evolve from this into actual relaxation
and surrender. At first I was always seeking, wishing, thinking, despite my previous training
in meditation. Also I felt a compulsive sexual attraction to her. At the second or third session,
she asked me to permit myself to indulge in sexual imagination with her. I did so - and the
compulsion vanished! During some ecstatic moments, though, some sexual element do
emerge, and I get a bonner. But its not distractive anymore - I allow it to happen - She
doesnt care. Once, in order to protect from the nightime chill, I had to undress in front of her
altar; for a momment I worried about offending her, and I felt her laugher!
Back in town, I did a few offerings on crossroads during the night. (Its always a challenge
for me to do something for the first time - specially something weird that involves waking up
3AM and going outside). I was very much connected, after the retreat: I felt like I could sense
danger before it came, and I indeed experienced some fabulous proctetive synchronicities
with her. I heard a voice, while sleeping, who said She wants you to speak with her (I
wasnt doing the impromptu prayer part at all - out of shyness. Indeed, for a long time, I did
spoke the prayers, but feeling very awkward and formulaic. It got significantly better by now,
turned into a real and effective piece of the machine). Sometimes I would go around town
feeling ajna chakra buzzing. During the very first crossroad experience, I felt angry and
humiliated by some random guy who shouted some crap from a motorcycle during a
crossroads devotion. Walking back home, I saw clearly how I was perpetuating suffering and
actually hurting myself with the ressent (despite the soundness of my hurt-heart reasoning).
I decided that it would be better if I did her devotion in the woods. I did choose so after a
dream, and searching the dream-place at the physical plane I found a place with a wooden
plaque written uterus. There I did practice devotion about twice a week, for a month or two.
It wasnt all that sheltered (being inside the university campus) and I still had some
distractions from fearing human encounters (also ants + mosquittoes). Sessions lasted from
20 to 40 minutes and mostly consisted of dharana on the image, feeling an energetic
conection. After some time I began to yearn a place even more recluse, and I started
searching the university woods with tarot on one hand, compass in another. The previous
uterus spot was in an recent and artifical forest (made of an only plant species). The new
place I found, after a few forest adventures, was a true forest, with abundant variety. A lot
more sheltered, too. The first time I met her there, she was like a hurricane, an chaotic swirl
of forces, a sensuous witch of the woods - she engulfed me in an ecstatic bliss. I did face a lot
of problem with crawling ants, menacing bugs and spiders. Some times I would get naked,
and the first time I did rest my naked ankles (sitting on them) directly on ground it was like
orgasm. I would keep with the discomfort while focusing on her protective bubble. For the
beginning of our relationship, up to today, she would always defy me to break my rules about
whats safe and reasonable. For example, last year during a travel, I break through a fence in

(another) university campus and did offerings to her at another woods. It had a very deep
layer of dry leaves on the ground, the kind which makes me instinctively cringe at the
possibility of stepping over a hidden snake or scorpion or whatnot. I was wearing loose
sandals. I began devotion climbing awkwardly on a ruined school chair, but after some time
suffering with mosquitoes and no contact, I did finally put my feets on ground, crushing the
leaves, and finally felt the contact circuit on. She did a similar thing to me during a bathroom
devotion, making me touch with open skin the random water that collects at the bathroom
floor. This brings me to the bathroom devotions, that compose most of my actual time with
her. After the initial experiences on the woods, I began adoring other deities, and made
devotion a daily issue. To save time, I reallocated her devotion to the bathroom (it had plenty
of unused space). This allowed a lot better concentration (the only fear remaining was the
recent but isolated finding of a poisonous centipede, when cleaning the bathroom). But also
the loss of the thrill took engagement down, and down, to the point I was having a hard time
connecting with her. I also began forgetting about dispatching her offerings from the temple
in a timely manner. This would turn into a nasty habit of neglect. I would also not clean her
alter, like I did regularly with all other deities. Now I dont think she actually cares about
cleansing, but after a divination I understood that it was imperative for me to determine how
much time offerings were to be left at her altar. Only now - this very month - I did finally
reach a decent discipline on this regard (I leave offerings in front of her for a night, then at
some point before going to sleep the next night I dispatch them). For the first year and so I
would dispatch her offerings at my own yard; then I moved into an apartment and afterwards
to a urban house with no access to living soil. So began my urban dispatching adventures.
The only rule: she decides where I must leave it. So I go on, trying to read her signs, pairing
those shown by anima mundi with those revealed by my heart. Walking around during the
night isnt exactly safe, and I still have to face quite some fear and anxiety. For example, she
would make me leave her tiny bits of food just in front of a plaque on a sidewalk saying its
prohibited to put trash there. Or in a place just in front a security camera. I often feel
awkward and wonder what I would say if someone asked me what Im doing. Despite the
constant challenges, Im learning to really trust her. and even enjoy the proccess. In fact I
quite enjoy doing some weird shit and breaking some boundaries. Though not always!
My prayers for her began quite formulaic - describing her attributes, asking for blessings and
protection in general, guidance in magick and arts. The magical guidance came most
explicitly through the sudden improvement of my vibrations (that are nowadays very
powerful). The artistic is harder to point out, but shes been nudging me recently into artistic
experiments (mainly retrieving cool things through dumpster diving). Also, I composed a pair
of songs on guitar with very naive but heartfelt lyrics that reached deep into my past painful
experiences (experiences of social exclusion). The protection I asked for came visibly from
constant premonitory dreams, though Im not sure which deity is responsible for this.
Sometimes I would get passionate with her (declaring mad love and eternal fidelity).
Sometimes she seems to me to be the perfect mate, that one I desired since childhood in my
wettest dreams. Sometimes she is a complete enigma, and I search in vain for words that
ressonate with the heart, or some ink of connection. Most times I could not connect it her, it
was because my heart was guilty from neglect and forgetfulness about her. When I get over
the guilt, there she is. I did came with some mecanisms to induce contact on difficult
situations: one was to search for another heart, very close to mine, but outside; recently, I
learned to find her through my inner feelings, those aroused by her presence, that sometimes
would block the proccess by distracting me from her by focusing only on my interiority what I did learn was to search for the limits of each sensation, and find her there, at the
boundaries always.

There was amiraculous situation with her that merit recounting. I was on the road, hitchhiking
(more like trying to hitchhike, uselessly, under the hot midday sun) and chanting her mantras.
Some prostitues were working at the same roadside, I did offer them some fruits and biscuits,
they lent me their umbrella in exchange. After some gruelling hours under a sun without
relief, one of the prostitutes- a transvestite - said Allow me to solve your problem! and she
went to the road, and in a very dramatic fashion, raised her thumb up. The second vehicle that
stopped agreed to lend me a ride - this in LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES, after hours of
useless effort on my part. I went away shouting heartfelt gratitude from the truck window,
just to notice - at the exact spot where the prostitutes were hiding from the sun - a hibiscus
bush full of flowers. (hibiscus are symbolic of Kali, an in many situations I would find a bush
just when I did receive some blessing).
More recently, I asked her for help with my senseless noisy neighboors. The following day I
found some chicken bones thrown out on our yard from a meat party on our neighboor house.
I collected them and put them on Raja-Matangis altar, thinking Shes in action here,
providing me a magical link. My intention was to use them in a spell - possibly in
connection with the energies of a calming plant - to give us some rest. After some days, the
neighboor wife knocked on door and we chatted a bit. She mentioned their love of partying
and (shy as ever) I couldnt say anything, but she did notice my muted awkwardness.
Anyway since them theyve kept their volume at a minimum. Upon further contemplation, I
realized intuitivelly that I dont need to do anything with the bones: putting them on her altar
was sufficient! (at least so far).