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"Papa Ted"
written by
Chris Thomas
Phone: 708-227-7023
E-mail: presidentpuck@yahoo.com
CAST
TED....................................................JOSH RADNOR
MARSHALL...............................................JASON SEGEL
LILY...............................................ALYSON HANNIGAN
BARNEY.........................................NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
ROBIN...............................................COBIE SMULDERS
NARRATOR.................................................BOB SAGET
INTERIORS:
EXTERIORS:
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
1
TEDS 14 YEAR OLD SON AND 16 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER SIT ON THE
COUCH STARRING AT THEIR FATHER, LISTENING WITH LITTLE
INTEREST AS HE TALKS TO THEM.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Kids, now you remember when I
convinced your Aunt Robin to take that
research job with World Wide News
instead of...
SON
Becoming the coin flip bimbo?
DAUGHTER
They prefer currency rotation
specialist.
NARRATOR
Right.
2.
TED
You guys are never going to believe
what happened tonight.
I need a
drink.
TED STANDS UP TO GET A DRINK BUT THE LINE IS TOO LONG. HE
SITS DOWN, REACHES OVER AND TAKES BARNEYS AND DOWNS IT.
BARNEY
Thats alright buddy, take mine.
LILY
So whats so bad that youre willing
to share a drink with New Yorks
living petri dish?
TED FINISHES THE DRINK AND SETS DOWN THE GLASS, REACHES INTO
HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT A PHOTO.
TED
(SLAPPING DOWN A PHOTO)
Well, apparently this is my son.
EVERYONE LEANS OVER TO LOOK AT THE PICTURE, AND LILY GRABS IT
PULLING IT IN FOR A CLOSER LOOK.
LILY
Are you sure?
TED
Well Im not but she seems confident.
ROBIN
Who is she?
CUT TO:
PHOTO MONTAGE OF TED AND BECKY RUNS ACROSS THE SCREEN AS THE
NARRATOR TALKS.
3.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
She was Becky Elpus, my first serious
girlfriend after graduating college
and moving to the city.
We were both
4.
TED
Well, we broke up like eight years
ago, but she swears this is my son.
LILY LOOKS AT TED THEN THE PICTURE, THEN TED AGAIN.
LILY
He doesnt even look like you.
MARSHALL
Thank God you have an eye doctor
appointment tomorrow.
LILY
Marshall, my eyes are fine.
ROBIN
Lily, if you were any closet to that
picture it would...
ROBIN LOOKS AROUND FOR HELP TO FINISH HER JOKE.
JUST STARES BACK BLANKLY AT HER.
ROBIN (CONTD)
I got nothing.
I dont need to
What
if I have a son?
BARNEY
Ted get serious.
TED
How can you be so sure Barney?
EVERYONE
5.
BARNEY
Oh, Im not, but if she catches you
freaking out like this that kid, and
his child support, are as good as
yours.
LILY
Ted no, what if its your son?
Would
6.
BARNEY
Oh sure, you expect me to chime in
here because I grew up without a dad.
BARNEY LOOKS LIKE HE IS GOING TO CRY.
BARNEY (CONTD)
Well, Im not going to get involved.
BARNEY REACHES FOR HIS DRINK. HE PICKS IT UP, REALIZES IT IS
EMPTY, GRABS THE GLASS, GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE BAR.
ROBIN
So what are you going to do Ted?
REACHES ACROSS AND GRABS THE PHOTO FROM LILY.
TED
No Robin, not what I am going to do,
what are we going to do.
Come with
7.
MARSHALL
I dont see what the big deal is about
coming here anyway Lily?
LILY
Says the guy with 20-20 vision.
MARSHALL
Well, I dont like to brag, but that
is a 1974 dime over there.
MARSHALL WALKS ACROSS THE ROOM, BENDS OVER AND PICKS UP THE
DIME. HE FLIPS IT IN THE AIR, CATCHES IT AND PUTS IT IN HIS
POCKET AS THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. DR. FISHER ENTERS.
DR. FISHER
Well, what do we have here.
LILY
What? What is it?
Whats wrong?
8.
LILY
Well, I occasionally get a few things
wrong while reading.
SMASH CUT TO:
6
9.
MARSHALL
Yea, if by a few you mean many and by
things you mean important details.
LILY AGAIN SHOOTS HIM A VERY MEAN LOOK.
MARSHALL (CONTD)
But youre the doctor, you decide who
can see and who shouldnt be allowed
behind the wheel of a motorized
vehicle.
DR. FISHER TURNS AROUND AND DIMS THE LIGHTS IN THE ROOM,
TURNS ON A PROJECTOR THAT DISPLAYS LETTERS ON THE WALL.
DOCTOR FISHER
Alright Lily, what can you read up
there?
LILY
Um...well...
MARSHALL
Come on Lily, its OK.
10.
DR. FISHER
By your death stare I assume youre
being serious, so lets figure out
just what you need to do to be able to
see a little better, and legally ride
the subway without assistance.
CUT TO:
8
11.
TED
Like I said, Ill call it even if you
can get your research team to help me
figure out if this kid is mine or not.
ROBIN
Ted, you want me to ask New Yorks,
no, the nations finest journalistic
researchers to drop what they are
doing and help you figure out if you
knocked up a girl back in 2001?
TED
You can at least ask.
ROBIN BEGINS TO WALK AWAY.
ROBIN
You can ask them if you want, but I
guarantee that they will say...
CUT TO:
9
THREE GUYS ARE SITTING AROUND A CONFERENCE TABLE AND TED AND
ROBIN ARE STANDING AT THE HEAD OF IT.
RESEARCHER #1
Hell yes.
RESEARCHER #2
Im in.
RESEARCHER #3
Me too, but why not just go on Maury?
TED
Maurys trash and Im better than
that.
MAURY POVICH IS THE HALLWAY BEHIND TED.
MAURY
Oh, so now you think youre better
than me?
MAURY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND WALKS AWAY.
ROBIN
Wait, you guys really want to do this?
RESEARCHER #2
Robin, Ive spent eight hours a day
for the past month looking up stats
and figures on the migratory patterns
of African honeybees for some safari
documentary that Maury is narrating.
This is a welcome change.
TED
This is awesome!
Names,
12.
13.
ROBIN
I told you that we are the best.
END OF ACT ONE
14.
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
10
10
15.
LILY
Aww, thanks sweetie.
LILY TAKES THEM OFF AND LOOKS AT THE PRICE TAG ON THE SIDE OF
THE FRAMES. SHE FREAKS OUT AND SLOWLY BEGINS THE PROCESS OF
LOWERING THEM BACK ONTO THE DISPLAY.
LILY (CONTD)
For that price you would have to be a
rock-star to be wearing them.
MARSHALL
Oh come on Lily, they cant be that
much.
MARSHALL PICKS UP THE GLASSES, LOOKS AT THE PRICE AND STARTS
TO SLOWLY LOWER THEM DOWN JUST LIKE LILY.
MARSHALL (CONTD)
Please dont break on your way to the
display...please dont break.
CUT TO:
11
11
As your best
16.
TED
Marshalls my best friend.
BARNEY
Sure he is Ted. Anyway, more
importantly than being your best
friend, as the best friend to
thousands of women in New York City,
you dont think that I have suffered
through a pregnancy scare of two?
TED NODS IN AGREEMENT, BUT SUDDENLY LOOKS AT BARNEY CONFUSED.
TED
Wait, I thought you said youve never
had a pregnancy scare.
BARNEY PUSHES TED ONTO THE COUCH AND SITS IN THE CHAIR.
BARNEY
Well I am glad you asked how I can
help.
deep as yours.
17.
BARNEY
Aww, that is just sad, but one problem
at a time Ted.
right?
TED
We did more than bang, we dated for
more than a year.
BARNEY
Check.
We need
To Dr. Gunderson!
BARNEY GRABS HIS CLIPBOARD AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR. TED
REMAINS ON THE COUCH, MOTIONLESS. BARNEY GETS THROUGH THE
DOOR BUT TED STILL REMAINS. BARNEY POPS BACK IN.
BARNEY (CONTD)
Ted, lets roll.
TED
Barney, Im not sure...
BARNEY
Damn it Ted, do you want to be a daddy
or do you want to do more girls with
daddy issues?
TED
Neither sounds ideal.
18.
BARNEY
But if you had to pick one.
BARNEY STARES AT TED, SMILING, WAITING FOR AN ANSWER. HE
DOESNT GET ONE, BUT TED STANDS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS THE
DOOR.
BARNEY (CONTD)
To Dr. Gunderson!
CUT TO:
12
12
19.
BARNEY
He is just a very caring doctor.
Now
20.
BARNEY
Come on Jed, this isnt exactly the
type of establishments where you use
your real...well, anything.
TED AND BARNEY GET UP AND BEGIN WALKING BACK TO THE EXAM
ROOM.
NURSE
Larney?
BARNEY
Well Nurse Paula, it is my pleasure.
NURSE
Oh good, I thought it might be your
jerk of twin Barney.
BARNEY
Him?
13
13
ROBIN
Wait Marshall, I thought you had
perfect 20/20 vision?
MARSHALL
Oh I do. (TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES) So
good in fact that I can tell by
looking at the piece of dried up crud
in the corner of your mouth that you
had a chicken sandwich for lunch.
ROBIN IMMEDIATELY WIPES HER MOUTH WITH HER HAND.
MARSHALL (CONTD)
With mustard.
ROBIN
So whats up with the glasses then?
LILY
Because he thinks that they make him
look...
MARSHALL
Intelligent.
LILY
He got one little detail wrong at work
and everyone is picking on him.
MARSHALL
It wasnt one little detail Lily.
DRAMATICALLY TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES.
21.
22.
MARSHALL (CONTD)
Oh, it was more than a little detail.
DISSOLVE TO:
14
23.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
He did.
VIDEO CONFERENCE SCREEN TURNS ON AND A MAN IN A SUIT APPEARS
WITH TWO GIRLS BEHIND HIM.
VIDEO SUIT GUY
Erickson!
MARSHALL
Yes Sir?
VIDEO SUIT GUY
This is Megan and April.
They want to
In person.
RESET TO BAR:
15
15
24.
MARSHALL
And it just wasnt in the conference
room that day, Ive been taking crap
about it for weeks.
CUT TO:
16
16
Oh my.
Wait, is that
25.
BARNEY
Why yes it is, thanks for noticing.
REACHING INTO HIS WALLET, BARNEY PULLS OUT A WAD OF CASH AND
HANDS IT TO THE LADY.
BARNEY (CONTD)
Here you go sweetie, well worth the
$500.
LADY IN DOOR
Whatever gets you off pal.
SHE WALKS OUT OF THE OFFICE AND BARNEY TURNS TO MARSHALL.
BARNEY
Office of Prostitution.
Hilarious!
17
26.
ROBIN
Really? Wow, I guess I never knew
that.
MARSHALL
Its a lie, I just made it up.
But
They got
27.
18
TED SITS ON THE TABLE READING A LETTER WHILE BARNEY AND DR.
GUNDERSON STAND NEARBY. TED READS IT OUT LOUD.
TED
And unfortunately, due to a pitching
machine accident suffered during the
Major Moose Baseball Tournament in
Saskatchewan, Ted Mosbey was rendered
unable to conceive at the age of 17.
DR. GUNDERSON AND BARNEY ARE SMILING AS TED LOOKS DISGUSTED.
TED (CONTD)
This is your idea to clear my name?
BARNEY
Its brilliant, isnt it?
DR. GUNDERSON
Plus, with my seal of approval, it
will hold up in most courts.
TED
Most?
DR. GUNDERSON
Well, if she files suit in Colorado,
it wont hold water.
Im not allowed
28.
Oh my god, really?
19
29.
30.
ACT THREE
20
Wow, Im a Dad.
20
RESEARCHER #3
Well, not so fast Ted. Take a look at
this.
RESEARCHER #3 HANDS TED ANOTHER PIECE OF PAPER.
TED
What is this?
RESEARCHER #3
This is her sons birth certificate.
TED LOOKS IT OVER.
TED
So?
RESEARCHER #3
Look at the birth date. Do the math.
TED
Math? What math?
RESEARCHER #2
Remind me never to buy in a building
he designs.
RESEARCHER #3
Her son, Robert Elpus, was born on
December 13, 2002.
31.
32.
TED
Which we didnt
ROBIN
The kid cant be yours.
RESEARCHER #2
Not unless she has the gestation
period of an zebra.
EVERYONE TURNS AND LOOKS AT RESEARCHER #2
RESEARCHER #2 (CONTD)
What? Its 13 months.
Its part of
21
33.
BARNEY
Hey Marshall, maybe Sarah here could
work for you in the new division
youre in charge of.
BARNEY AND EXECUTIVE #2 START LAUGHING.
COURSE NOT AMUSED AND NEITHER IS SARAH.
MARSHALL IS OF
SARAH
Barney, that joke is really getting
old.
34.
MARSHALL
Arent they?
BARNEY AND MARSHALL JUST STARE AT EACH OTHER.
BARNEY
You think Sarah would do me if I put
on a pair like that?
CUT TO:
22
22
35.
BECKY
He cant be.
We broke up November 11
The math
So if
He is almost 11,
23
36.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Hey now, if you want to hear about
your long lost half-brother pipe down.
THE KIDS HAVE SHOCKED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Kidding.
Seriously.
RESET TO BAR:
24
24
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And kids, as I sat their with Becky
listening to her talk about love and
life and family, she started making
lots of sense, and a part of me
changed forever that night.
DISSOLVE TO:
25
She just so
25
ROBIN
How cute.
MARSHALL
How...how could this be happening!
LILY
How could what be happening?
TED LOOKS AT MARSHALL NERVOUSLY.
MARSHALL
Ted, as your best friend.
BARNEY
Second best friend.
MARSHALL
I already know what you are going to
say next.
TED
Oh do you?
MARSHALL
Youre dating Becky again.
TED
No.
But if she
37.
38.
TED
Forget marriage, I just want to be a
dad.
BARNEY REACHES INTO HIS SUIT COAT AND PULLS OUT AN ENVELOPE.
BARNEY
Well Ted, then I guess youre not
going to need this.
TED LOOKS AT THE ENVELOPE.
TED
Doctor Gunderson?
BARNEY
Luckily I had him address it to whom
it may concern, so Ill just hang on
to this.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END