Assertiveness

INTRODUCTION
Assertiveness is not what you do, its who you are
By Shakti Gawain
Assertiveness means standing up for your personal
rights - expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in
direct, honest and appropriate way. Assertiveness is a
skill regularly referred to in social and communication
skills training. Assertiveness is the quality of being selfassured and confident without being aggressive. In the
field of psychology and psychotherapy, it is a learnable
skill and mode of communication. Being assertive
means being able to stand up for your own or other
peoples rights in a calm and positive way, without
being either aggressive, or passively accepting wrong.
Assertive individuals are able to get their point across
without upsetting others, or becoming upset themselves.
Assertiveness is a way of relating that can be helpful in
relationships, dealing with anger management, and boosting self-esteem. Assertiveness can be
taught, though assertiveness is better thought of as a way of being than a technique that one puts
into place when one feels like it. Assertiveness is not about showing people that you can shout
and its not about scaring them but it's something between being aggressive and being passive.
Assertiveness is the act of asking for what you want in a confident way that harms no one but in
the same time preserves your rights. Assertiveness is a skill taught by many personal development
experts and psychotherapists and the subject of many popular self-help books. It is linked to selfesteem and considered an important communication skill.

DEFINATIONS: Asking for what one wants or acting to get what one wants in a way that respects the rights and
feelings of other people.

Assertiveness is about self-confidence which means having a positive attitude towards

yourself and others.

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QUALITIES OF AN ASSERTIVE PERSON

They have confidence in themselves: In order to be assertive, you need to know what your boundaries are;
what you like and what you dont like. Many people who struggle with
assertiveness will allow others to make decisions for them, so when I
ask Whats your favorite food? they honestly dont know. If this sounds
familiar to you, this is a great opportunity for self-exploration. They
always have confidence what they speak and what they do.

They respect the opinions of others:Assertive people feel confident about their opinions and beliefs, but dont feel its
necessary to insult or degrade another persons opinions. Someone may feel very strongly
about abortion laws; an assertive person can disagree and share their opinions about the
issue without insulting that persons feeling.

Assertiveness

Assertive individuals are good listeners:Often times when I work with couples and families in session, they are so focused on how
they will respond to the other person that they stop listening to what is being said. As a
result, neither party ends up feeling heard. Assertive behavior includes being an active
listener; behavior which includes good eye contact, not interrupting when the other person
is talking, and reflecting back what was just said to confirm the information was heard
correctly.

Problem solving and compromise:Another key trait to assertiveness is the attempt to compromise in a situation. Not
everyone gets everything they want when engaging in a compromise, but some needs are
met for all parties involved. Compromise shows that the other persons needs have been
heard and this is the attempt at providing a solution that all can be content with.

Assertiveness

Take responsibility
Your feelings are a result of how you choose to view a situation. Nobody can make you
feel any particular way. If you feel angry, upset etc., it is important to remember that the
other person did not choose for you to feel that way. They chose their behavior, you chose
your response. If you blame others for your feelings, it comes across as an attack and they
go on the defensive.

ADVANTAGES OF ASSERTIVENESS
Improved self-image
Your self-image refers to the way you view yourself. How you view yourself affects the way you
view the world e.g. with a negative self-image you may adopt a pessimistic view of the world and
fail to see any opportunities for you to succeed. When you choose to be assertive you adopt a
realistic self-image. You do not see yourself as superior to others, but you also do not see others

Assertiveness
as being superior to you. As there is well being said that There is nobody better than you but you
are no better than anyone.

Improved understanding of others

When you are assertive, you learn to view others in a more realistic context. Rather than see them
as a threat, you realize that they are simply trying to achieve their objectives. When others make a
request of you, they do so because they believe that you are the best person to help them achieve
their objectives. Rather than view them as competitors, you start to see them as potential
collaborators. These people offer you the opportunity to work together to achieve greater benefits
for both parties. Assertive people also understand that people choose their own feelings. If
somebody is upset because you did not agree to their request, you realize that they chose to feel
upset and it was not you who made them feel that way.

Improved Self- Awareness And Self- Confidence

Assertiveness
When you choose to be assertive, you develop a greater respect for your own opinions. You
realize that not only do you have the right to your own opinion; you have the right to express that
opinion. Even when you feel that your opinion will not be accepted, you are comfortable
expressing that opinion. This builds your confidence and saves you from spending time going
over what you wished you had said. The more assertive you become, the clearer you become
about who you really are. You gain a better awareness of your identity, your values, your beliefs,
your likes and your dislikes. You are comfortable expressing your views and where others
disagree, you are happy to agree to disagree. You do not feel any sense of loss when you agree to
disagree, nor do you feel that you have upset anybody.

More time and more energy

Assertiveness allows to be more energetic. When you choose to be assertive, you express your views
clearly and the issue gets dealt with there and then. You do not need to spend time and energy thinking
about the issue unless it reoccurs at a later stage. Choosing to be assertive requires effort, commitment
and time. Things do not always go smoothly and there can be an initial period of discomfort both for
you and the people you interact with. The dynamics of your relationships will change and you may
even lose some people from your life. It is worth reminding yourself that you are seeking to respect
yourself and respect others. You are choosing to operate from a position of equality. If other people
cannot accept that then they are probably not the type of people you need in your life. Assertiveness
allows you to be the best person that you can be while helping others to get the best from themselves.

Assertiveness

DISADVANTAGE OF ASSERTIVENESS

At times if not properly conveyed, then one considers it to be rudeness.

It can also reflect over-confidence.
Can prove to be counter-productive.
One may appear to be arrogant.

TIPS

FOR

BEING

MORE

ASSERTIVE
Assess your style
Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional work even when your
plate is full? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you?
Understand your style before you begin making changes. Ask this questions to yourself.

Use 'I' statements

Using "I" statements lets others know what you're thinking without sounding accusatory. For
instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong."

Practice saying no

Assertiveness
If you have a hard time turning down requests, try saying, "No, I can't do that now." Don't
hesitate be direct. If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief.

Rehearse what you want to say

If it's challenging to say what you want or think, practice typical scenarios you encounter. Say
what you want to say out loud. It may help to write it out first, too, so you can practice from a
script. Consider role-playing with a friend or colleague and ask for blunt feedback.

Use body language

Communication isn't just verbal. Act confident even if you aren't feeling it. Keep an upright
posture, but lean forward a bit. Make regular eye contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial
expression. Don't wring your hands or use dramatic gestures. Practice assertive body language
in front of a mirror or with a friend or colleague.

Keep emotions in check

Conflict is hard for most people. Maybe you get angry or frustrated, or maybe you feel like
crying. Although these feelings are normal, they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If
you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then work on remaining
calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.

Start small
At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, try out your
assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate

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yourself

afterward

and

tweak

your

approach

as

necessary.

SYMTOMS OF ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR

Able to express desires and feelings.

Able to converse and work with people.
Able to disagree with others respectfully.
Aware of the needs and desires of others.
Able to make concessions to others.
Able to refuse a request without feeling guilty.

DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN

ASSERTIVE AND AGGRESSIVE

Assertiveness means standing up for your personal rights - expressing thoughts, feelings and
beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate way. Assertiveness is a skill regularly referred to in
social and communication skills training. Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and
confident without being aggressive. In the field of psychology and psychotherapy, it is a
learnable skill and mode of communication. Aggressiveness is a mode of communication and
behavior where one expresses their feelings, needs and rights without regard or respect for the
needs, rights and feelings of others. If youve been an aggressive personality most of your life,
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Assertiveness
it may be very difficult to contain your anger and harshness when dealing with others. You
want your way and may not think it can happen by stepping down a rung or two on the ladder
to assertive behavior. The truth is that there is a line between both aggressive and assertive
behaviors. You may want to second-guess yourself about crossing the line but, if you know
the traits of an assertive personality versus aggressive, you should be able to stand up for
yourself without backing down or becoming angry and frustrated.

Here is a quick guide about using assertive rather than passive or aggressive behavior:

OPINION
Assertive Clearly states an opinion, but is respectful of others beliefs.
Aggressive Becomes angry and attacks the other persons opinions.

NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION
Assertive Makes eye contact with others.
Aggressive Glaring stares at the person.

BODY LANGUAGE
Assertive Body language is relaxed and open.
Aggressive Body language is rigid and may enter anothers space.
VALUE
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Assertiveness
Assertive Considers him or herself as valuable as others.
Aggressive He or she knows it all.
OBJECTIVE
Assertive Sets goals and reaches them.
Aggressive May reach goals no matter what he says or does.

MYTHS RELATED TO ASSERTIVENESS

Other peoples feeling and rights are more important than yours
You will offend other people by being assertive
You are not important enough to express your feelings and rights.
Assertiveness is just another kind of aggression.
I will have to change who I am to become assertive.

ASSERTIVE RIGHTS
Assertiveness is the backbone of effective communication and relationship management. When you
are assertive you find it easy to stand up for your own rights without impinging on the rights of
others. The key to doing this successfully is to be aware of your assertiveness rights. Assertiveness
rights are broadly accepted rights which each person possesses.
The following are just some of your many assertiveness rights. These are the assertiveness rights
which tend to be challenged most often. Defending these rights will greatly improve your
confidence, personal effectiveness and relationships:

Be yourself
You are your own person with your own beliefs and values. You are entitled to live your life as you
see fit, as long as you do not deliberately seek to hurt others. Others may be inadvertently upset by
some of your choices but that does not mean that you have to change.

Respect yourself
You are entitled to make decisions which respect your sense of identity and purpose. Where
agreeing to the requests of others would contradict your values, identity or purpose, it is perfectly
acceptable to say No.

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Assertiveness
Choose your own priorities
Each person has responsibility for their own life. In accepting responsibility for your own life,
you have the right to choose your own priorities. When you have a sense of purpose, you will want
to priorities tasks which help you fulfill that purpose.

Say No
Some people find it the hardest word to say but No is one of the most empowering words. If you
do not want to do something, you are entitled to say No. You do not need to justify your choice.

Be fallible
You will make mistakes and you will get things wrong. That is a natural part of life. As long as you
were trying to do the right thing, people cannot have much of an argument with you. Rather than
getting upset by the response of others, choose to learn from your mistakes and get it right next
time.

Express your feelings without getting personal

It is common, and acceptable, for people to disagree with each other. If you disagree with
someones comments or behavior, you have the right to express that disagreement. As long as you
do not make it personal i.e. you focus on the behavior rather than the person, you are within your
rights to express your feelings.

Be understood
When there are conflicting opinions, people can become so stubborn in the defence of their own
views that they refuse to hear others. People have the right to disagree with you but you have the
right to have your opinion heard and understood. If they then want to disagree, thats fine.

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Assertiveness

Be aware that there are some responsibilities attached to all these rights:

You do not live in isolation.

Your actions impact everyone.
You are in control of your behavior.
Your response to a situation must be guided by ascertaining your rights and responsibilities and

following through.
To assess your true feelings without exaggeration or underestimation; to express your feelings

appropriately without demeaning someone else in the process.

To reply as soon as possible, and without taking an unreasonable amount of time.
To think through your opinions and realize others can disagree with them.
To accept others answers respectfully; to carry out any commitments made.
To learn from mistakes, rather than pushing yourself or others because of mistakes.
To act in a responsible manner as much of the time as possible.
To feel appropriate anger and joy and to assert these feelings with the people involved.
To not impose your personal values on others.
To think through your responses before answering.
To respect commitments to others as well as to yourself; to allow sufficient time to fulfill

commitments.
To express your needs and, if appropriate, work out a compromise.
To recognize anger and joy, and see that these feelings do not interfere with others rights and
responsibilities.

CONCLUSION

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Assertiveness

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