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Sherlock Holmes and the mystery of the Aquilla Diamond

adapted from Sid River

Parts (some doubled)
1. Sherlock Holmes: traditional Homes character, intelligent, superior, arrogant and self-confident
and always engrossed in the detective work. (doubled) Alex, Georgia
2. Doctor Watson: a bumbling, upper-class fool. Idolises Holmes but just doesnt understand him.
Amazed at everything that Holmes does. Good with a revolver and a stethoscope. (doubled)
Vlad, Ilinca D
3. Lady Aquilla: acts incredibly posh and self-important. Thinks that shes the most glamorous
thing since sliced bread; (pronounced a killer) (doubled) Naomi, Irina
4. Gertrude LEscargo / Cook - an outrageously OTT French accent masks a supreme criminal
and mistress of disguise. A difficult opponent for Holmes. Plays the cook with a bad back and a
West Country accent straight out of a Dickens novel. (doubled) Ana M, Ana F
5. Crumpton (the butler): dead thats all! - Sebi
6. Narrator: Can stand on the edge of the stage for dramatic effect.- Briana
7. Director. Easily frustrated.- Petra
8. Batman - David
9. Catwoman Ilinca
10. Florence maid, excessively cleaning Aprilia
Scene 1: Intro Watson 1, Holmes 1, introducing the narrator
Scene 2: Holmes home Watson 2, Holmes 2, Lady A1
Scene 3: Lady A2, Watson 1, Holmes 1, Florence
Scene 4: Narrator, Batman, Catwoman, Director, Florence, Butler
Scene 5: Watson 2, Holmes 2, Lady A1, Cook 1 (up to headache)
Scene 6: Lady A2, Cook 2, Holmes 2 (same), Watson 2(same) up to revolver
Scene 7: Cook 1, Holmes 1, Watson 1, Lady A2 (same)
DIRECTOR: This cant be happening! How can you not show up at the premiere of your own show? I
cant believe it! Have you ever seen a show without a narrator? Thats what I thought too . Ok,
nevermindI guess I should start (clears his throat and put on a cape). Lights? Sound? Crew? Ok,
people, lets get this startedThe year was 1891. London was the capital of the world -- the height of
modernity, with the hiss of steam and smell of coal in the air Sound effect from the back, please
(sound effect steam). It was also the great pool into which all the sinners and criminals of the empire
Gas (sound effect) while Watson is making his way through the audience with a lantern.
DIRECTOR: Watson (makes a sign for W to go on stage) had come to London, ten years prior, to find a
life after the Afghan war. The life he found was anything but nice and steady.
DIRECTOR: And that had everything to do with one man.
WATSON: My friend, my partner, my burden...
... Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock enters from the opposite direction, looking very posh.
Narrator shows up late not, casually dressed, eating an apple and not realizing what was going on.
Narrator: Hi guys! I know, I know, I know .Im late again! Terribly sorry! (gasp)..Oh my God! X3

I totally forgot.This was today!! Wasnt it! Am I fired? (prepares for stage and goes up looking at the
Director: Not for now. Let just get this over with! Good luck!
Narrator: You wont regret this! (director hands over the cape). Yes, as you already might have heard,
the story begins inside 221B Baker St. You will see Holmes, Sherlock Holmes and John Watson, his
assistant, sitting by the fire playing chess.
Stage opens with them playing chess. There is a knock at the door.
Holmes: Get that would you Watson?
Watson: Certainly Holmes (goes to the door, opens it, in bursts a woman in very expensive riding gear,
boots and a riding hat perched on top of a large nest-like hairdo) Goodness me!
Lady Aquilla: Mr. Holmes (addressing Watson) I need to speak with you immediately! It is of the utmost
Watson: Well I never.... Goodness me! (coolly, without turning round) And Mr. Sherlock Holmes will
speak to you when he decides that he is good and ready!
Lady Aquilla: And who might you be Sir!?
Holmes: (getting up and turning round) I, Madame, might be Mr. Sherlock Holmes. In fact, I definitely
was the last time I looked! And you, you are Lady Henrietta Aquilla of Porkington. You have rushed here,
directly from riding in the hunt to ask me to recover the famous Aquilla Diamond which was, two days
ago, stolen from your country house!
Watson: Goodness me! Jolly good show Holmes!
Lady Aquilla: (astonished) How on earth did you know all that Mr. Holmes? I havent breathed a word to
Watson: Its just a talent that he has. But I'd like to know anyway.
Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary. First, the knock on the door Too loud for a hand,
but not for the huge silver ring her Ladyship is wearing. As for coming straight from the hunt, well,
leather riding boots, fresh mud, and the unmistakable smell of horse manure, simple really.
Lady Aquilla: But my name! And about the diamond.
Holmes: Quite straight forward! You have a ridiculously expensive hairdo covered by an extremely sad
hat, and your picture is in tonights paper under the headline Famous Aquilla diamond stolen from Lady
Aquilla. It is this that has brought you in such fervor and so quickly to 221b Baker St!
Watson: Marvelous! I told you he was a smarty pants! Good show Holmes!
Lady Aquilla: Yes, Yes! Very clever! But can you help me?
Holmes: Lady Aquilla, I would only be too pleased to help you. Let us make our way directly to the
scene of the crime! Come Watson, the game is afoot!
Watson: I thought the game was chess Holmes?
Holmes: (sighs and sounds impatient) Watson, just call me a cab.
Watson: All righty then. Youre a cab Holmes.

Holmes: Duh! Focus, Watson1

All three exit.

DOUBLING and Change of scenery to Lady Aquillas home.
Narrator: As night falls over old London town, (creepy music) our gallant detective and his trusty
sidekick gallop their way through the steaming metropolis. Eventually, they arrive at Lady Aquillas
country mansion tired, travel sore and weary of the endless games of I-spy with my magnified eye.
Losing no time they make directly for the scene of the crime, Lady Aquilla's study.
Enter Holmes, Watson, Lady Aquilla
Lady Aquilla: This is where the diamond was kept Holmes, in this glass display cabinet.
Watson: Goodness me, its been smashed Holmes!
Holmes: (mockingly) Well done Watson, very clever. How on earth did you work that out with all this
broken glass in the way!
Watson: (extremely pleased with himself) Well, just a good guess really!
Holmes: Lady Aquilla, when was the theft discovered?
Lady Aquilla: At about 4:00pm two days ago. Florence, the maid noticed it when she came to polish
the silver.
Holmes: And someone, in the meantime, had polished off the diamond!
Watson: (laughs) Oh thats a good one, Holmes, very good.
Lady Aquilla: This is a very serious matter Dr Watson. Why? That diamond has been handed down
from generation to generation of Aquillas. It was only the other day that I was saying....
Holmes: (Holmes walks to the front of the stage) Over here Watson! What do you make of this? (points
to something on the floor)
Watson: (excitedly) Why, its a carpet Holmes!
Holmes: No, genius! On the carpet.
Watson: Goodness me! Its a footprint in the shape of a boot!
Holmes: Yes! And a strange yellow footprint at that. Notice that it is quite small and more pointed at the
front and, if I'm not mistaken, has been repaired at least 3 times in the last year. (leans down and sniffs
the footprint) Hmmm.
Watson: What is it Holmes, another clue?
Holmes: Can you smell anything Watson? Apart from Lady Aquilla's boots that is?
Watson: Why, yes! What on Earth is it?
Holmes: Garlic Watson! The overpowering smell of fresh garlic!
Lady Aquilla: Florence! Whats with this smell? When was the last time you cleaned this room?
(Florence enters stage and starts cleaning).

Holmes: (turns to Lady Aquilla) I would like to search this place more, if you please.
Lady Aquilla: Certainly. Follow me, please. (They leave, except for Florence who is still cleaning)
Narrator: With capes flying our dashing duo in search of the crime scene, speeding through the
underground passages of Gotham City in the fearsome Batmobile and wearing only dark outfits and....
Batman music.
Batman and Catwoman appear. He bumps into the narrator while showing off and the narrator falls on
the ground.
Batman: Are you ok? (helps him up)
Narrator: Thank you.
Batman: You dont need to thank me.
Narrator: Yes, I do.
Catwoman (watching her nails): What for? The Joker won.
Narrator: But the Joker cannot win. Gotham needs its true hero.
Catwoman: Pfft a hero You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become a
Batman: Im not a hero.
Narrator: No, you are. You definitely are!
Batman: Im whatever Gotham needs me to be. Youll hunt me. Youll condemn me. Set the dogs on
me. (Catwoman gets scared when hearing the word dogs, starts looking around) Because thats what
needs to happen.
Director: (Interrupting loudly off-stage) Cut! Cut! . . . Excuse me! Thats not right!
Narrator: What?
Catwoman: What?
Director: Thats the wrong script, thats Batman!
Catwoman: Im confused.
Florence approaches Catwoman and stares at her. Cleans her outfit.
Batman: (confused) Are we not doing Batman?
Director: (impatiently) Ummm. . No. Thats next week. This is Sherlock Holmes!
Narrator: Oh! Gosh! Sorry! Ill try again. Sorry.
Florence: But I signed up for Batman!
Director: Yes, dear, but you got a part in Sherlock Holmes!
Florence: But but

Narrator (patting Florence on shoulder): Lets just go back to the script.

Director: OK! OK! Off you go!
Narrator: What? Am I fired? You want me to go?
Director: (irritated) Nooo! Just read the script!
Narrator makes a discrete sign for Batman and Catwoman to exit. Florence continues to clean.
Narrator: Oh Riiiight! (pause to re-establish dramatic voice) Our brave detectives head off in search of
clues at the scene of the crime.
Holmes and Watson enter with flashlights and magnifying glasses, searching for clues.
Watson: Have you found anything, Holmes?
Holmes: Shhhh! According to my calculations, something terrible is about to happen!

A loud scream is heard off-stage, narrator freezes. Butler enters the scene, walks dizzy and drops dead.
Florence still cleaning stops to see the butler fall and then approaches him.
Narrator: Yes, Crumpton, the butler, lying dead on the floor with a large frying pan sticking out of his
Florence: Oh, no! No, no, no! What is this mess?! Oh, no! Who is responsible for this?! (Maid in shock
starts to clean the crime scene and accidentally polishes off the finger prints on the pan handle.
Lady Aquilla rushes when hearing the sound of Crumpton falling.. Holmes and Watson go to the body
and start examining it.
Watson: Restrain yourself woman before you destroy any more evidence! (Maid steps aside outraged
but continues to polish everything around the stage)
Watson: (urgently) Is he dead Holmes?
Holmes: (sarcastically) Id say that was a fairly safe bet Watson. Hmm! An interesting weapon and
completely polished of any fingerprints courtesy of our eager maid.
Watson: Well Holmes, at least we know one thing.
Holmes: Whats that Watson?
Watson: (smugly) The butler didnt do it!
Holmes: Im not so sure Watson. Take him away anyway! (Narrator, Watson and maid take butler
away).Lady Aquilla, all this criminal activity is making me quite hungry. Is there any chance that you
could lay on the dinner for us?
Lady Aquilla: Now? But shouldnt we call the police or something?
Holmes: Just trust me on this one Madam, just trust me.
Lady Aquila rings a bell: Dinner for three!
The cook enters and starts to set the table.

Lady Aquilla: I must apologize, gentlemen for the very sparse service. With no butler and my maid in
shock (points at the maid), the cook herself has to lay the table and serve the dinner, as well as cook it.
Holmes: Dont you worry Lady Aquilla. Watson here is an Ex Indian Army man; he wont mind roughing
it for Sunday dinner. Besides, I am most interested in having a chat with the good lady herself!
Cook: (sounding old and servile) Im so sorry hits a bit late your Ladyship, but we is so short staffed
down below, I has to do everything myself, an' when you gets to my age, madam, you dont want to be
running round a field after some crazy rooster!
Watson: (jumping up in amazement) You mean the rooster did it!
Holmes: Sit down Watson! Shall we begin? Allow me to reveal this evenings savoury delights!
Holmes whips the top off the meat dish to reveal a decimated rooster.
Lady Aquilla: (gasps and stands) Cookie, what on earth happened to the rooster! It looks like its half
Cook: (looking distressed) I . . . dont know what you mean madam? I. . . Is there something wrong?
Lady Aquilla: (sounding hysterical) Something wrong! We cant serve that to guests! It looks like its
ready to jump out of the dish any instant! Take it away immediately!
Cook: If that is what your ladyship thinks. I think its wicked! Fresh, tender, rosy chicken meat!
Watson: A tad too fresh, maybe! It is still twitching!
Lady Aquila: I cant bare to look at it! Take it away this instant!
Cook: Yes madam, Ill remove it directly! Shall I bring the dessert?
(Goes to Florence, waves to wake her up, Florence still in shock as if hypnotized takes a garbage bag
from her pocket and then puts the chicken in it. Florence exits with the bag, followed by cook who
hurries her.)
Lady Aquila: What a headache! Excuse me for a moment, gentlemen! (exits on the other side)
Enters Lady Aquilla with handkerchief wiping her forehead and sits at the table.
Cook returns with dessert.
Cook: Would that be all? Can I be excused?
Holmes: Not so fast Cookie! Watson, stand by the door if you please. Perhaps Lady Aquilla, I can shed
some light on the matter.
Watson: I wish you would Holmes, its rather dark in here!
Holmes takes out flashlight and points to Cookie. Watson takes her and puts her on chair.
Holmes: Now, Cookie. Could you please tell us where exactly where you were 2 hours ago at the time
of Crumptons death?
Cook: Why? In the kitchenof course.
Holmes: And just what exactly were you doing there?
Cook: Making dinner, of course.

Watson: You mean it took you two hours to prepare the . (clears throat) gourmet banquet that you
have just served?
Cook: (nervously) Mais oui, precisement! I mean, yes, of course. I cooked the chicken comme on
dit.chicken al dente
Holmes: And what exactly did you use for cooking it!
Cook: A cooking pan, of course!
Holmes: Would it be a pan similar to. . . THIS ONE . . . per chance!
Holmes shows her the pan.
Cook: (nervously) (getting agitated) I . . . I . . . suppose so, oui!
Holmes: (pointing his finger upwards as though a solicitor in court) Impossible! Because this was the
very pan used to hit Crumpton, the butler!
Cook: It . . . It must have been another one, mon dieu, quell disaster!
Holmes: (Still gesturing) Impossible again! Just before dinner your Ladyship, I took the liberty of
checking the kitchen for another pan, and I found NONE! What do you say to that Cookie? (Holmes
walks up to Cook) Or should I say (pulls off her hat and wig) MADAME GERTRUDE LESCARGO.
Otherwise known . . . as Garlic Gertie of Burgundy!
Garlic Gertie: (French accent) Oh no! I am undone! Youll never take me alive! Jamais!
Watson: Goodness me Holmes!
Holmes: Watson, your service revolver!
Watson runs after Gertie (music), go backstage and change for doubling. Holmes follows them. They
reappear, Holmes smiling pleased in front, followed by Gertie with hands up and Watson with revolver at
her back.
Garlic Gertie: Ok! Ok! Take me alive! I surrender!
Holmes: It was just a matter of time! Ive been watching you since the Rue de Morgue affair. I nearly
had you then. (step forward towards Gertie)
Garlic Gertie: Not even close. Monsieur, dont flatter yourself, I was always a step devant vous. (step
forward towards Holmes, Watson holding the gun behind her)
Holmes: Madame, dont get carried away, I have always anticipated your every move. (step forward
towards Gertie)
Gertie: Right. Then you must know that I should have been on board the Titanic by now if it werent for
that malhereux rooster. You are lucky, Mr Holmes! (step forward towards Holmes)
Holmes: It wasn't luck, madame, but simply logic! (step forward towards Gertie, they get very close to
each other)
Lady Aquilla (separating them): Goodness me Mr Holmes, this is just too much to believe. Are you
saying that Cookie here is a world famous criminal??

Holmes: I certainly am Madam.

Lady Aquilla: But how on Earth did you see through it all?
Holmes: Elementary Your Ladyship. You see, the modus operandi of Garlic Gertie is known across the
whole of Europe! I recognised it and was on to her from the very beginning. The smashed display
cabinet; a cook who cannot carve a Sunday joint and who leaves footprints made by spilled custard
powder; and of course, that telltale smell of fresh garlic! It all added up to only one thing, Gertrude
L'Escargo! A clever plot though!
Cook: Yes, and if it hadnt been for you meddling kids I'd ave gotten away with it!
Watson: (ties Gertie on the back of the chair) All that remains then Holmes, is for her to tell us where
she hid the diamond.
Holmes: Ah Watson, sadly that is the one thing that she cannot tell us. For up until now only one person
knew the hiding place of the Aquilla diamond and he, unfortunately, lies dead out there.
Watson: Crumpton! The butler did do it after all!
Lady Aquilla: Surely you must be wrong!
Holmes: Im not wrong, and please dont call me Shirley! Crumpton had the misfortune to see Gertie
take the diamond in the first place and thought that he could have it for himself. He stole it from her, hid
it quickly but then paid the price when he would not give up the hiding place.
Holmes walks to the sideboard to pour everyone a drink. As he picks up the cut glass decanter, he
pauses, and slowly holds up the top of the decanter (which is in fact the missing diamond) to the light.
Lady Aquilla: So what youre saying Mr. Holmes is that we are still no further on than when we started!
Watson: Shes right Holmes, you cant deny her that!
Holmes: There is only one thing Watson that I cannot deny Lady Aquilla, and that . . . is a celebratory
Lady Aquilla: But Mr Holmes, what could there possibly be to celebrate?
Holmes: Only two things, your Ladyship. Firstly, that the great Sherlock Holmes has once again
successfully resolved a baffling case and, secondly (Holmes holds up the decanter stopper and
slowly hands it to Lady Aquilla as he speaks) . . . the recovery of the ....beautiful...Aquilla ...DIAMOND!
Lady Aquilla gasps and holds the diamond up to the audience with a frozen look of amazement.
Watson: By Jove Holmes, how ever do you do it?
Holmes: Ah, Elementary my dear Watson, Elementary!
Whole cast freeze whilst ending music (Crossroads theme works really well and is funny) plays then
audience erupts into applause!