Celine Dion My Story, My Dream

14/05/2016
( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM
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INCOLLABORATIONWITHGEORGESHEBERTGERMAIN
TRANSLATEDFROMTHEFRENCHBY
BRUCEBENDERSON
MYSTORY,MYDREAM
WILLIAMORROW
AnImprintofHarperIIinsPbIisHers
CELINEDION.Copyright2000byGeorgesHebertGermain,CelinEDion,ReneAngelil,LesEditionsRobertLaffont.Englishtranslationcopyright2000byHarperCollinsPublishersInc.All
translation,adaptation,reproduction,orotheruseofthiswork,inwholeorinpart,forwhateverend,throughwhatevermeans,byanypersonorgroupwhatsoever(whetheritbeamateurorprofessional),
isformallyprohibitedwithoutpriorwrittenauthorizationoftheauthorortheauthor'sauthorizedagent:
LesProductionsFeelingInc.2540,boulevardDanielJohnsonBureau755Laval,QuebecCanadaH7T2S3
HarperCollinsbooksmaybepurchasedforeducational,business,orsalespromotionaluse.Forinformationpleasewrite:SpecialMarketsDepartment,HarperCollinsPublishersInc.,
10Fast53rdStreet,NewYork,NY10022.
FIRSTEDITIONDesignedbyBettyLewPrintedonacidfreepaper
LibraryofCongressCataloginginPublicationDataDion,Celine.CelineDion:mystory,mydream/byCelineDion.1sted.
p.cm.ISBN0060197978
1.Dion,Celine.2.SingersCanadaBiography.
0001020304RRD1098~654321
FORRENE,
themanofmylife
DearGeorgesHebert,
Overtheyears,IhavehadmanyoccasionstotalkaboutmyselfandthepeopleIlove,butIhaveneverdonesowithasmuchpleasure
andheartasIhavewithyouforthisbook.
Iwillalwaysrememberourhastymeetings,crazylaughter,andtheunforeseenbendsintheroad,whereconfidencesandsecretswere
discovered.
Youhavearemarkabletalentforlistening,whichmeansthatmywordsandemotionsunfoldedduringthehourswespenttogether
talking.AndnowtheyhavebeenrenderedbyyourmagicpenintoabookinwhichIrecognizemyselfwithoutreservation.
Thankyou,myfriend,forbeingfaithfultomythoughtsandrelatingmyintentionsandfeelingsjustasIexpressedthem.
Itisagreatarttouseone'stalentintheserviceofafriend.Thatiswhatyouhavedone,andIthankyouwithallmyheart.
Affectionately,Celine
PROLOGUE
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Onebeautifulmorninglastwinter,amanateeappearedinthecanalrightbehindourhouseinJupiter,Florida.Itstayedthereforhours,
asifitwerewaitingforsomething.Orsomebody.AssoonasIwentintothewater,itstartedcomingtowardme.Ispoketoit,pettedit,
andweswamtogetherforawhile.
Thiswasnobigfeat.Alotofpeopleinsouthern Floridahavefunswimmingwithmanatees.They'renice,large,veryaffectionate
animalsthatwecallseacows.PeoplesaytheycomefromthelegendoftheSirensbecauseoftheverysweetandunsettlingsoundthey
make.
TheincidentmademerealizehowmuchI'vechangedduringtheselastmonths.WhenIwasworkingonmysingingcareer,andwas
subject to certain precautions, the idea never would have come to me to dive right into cloudy water and go make friends with an
unknownanimal.
ButonthatmorningIhadn'tbeenworkingformorethanthreemonths,andIwasalreadydoingallsortsofthingsthathadbeen
[2]
almostunimaginablebefore,thingsthatevenIsometimesfoundsurprising.
While I was swimming with my Siren, a flood of memories crashed through my head, clear, precise images of my childhood, of
summer,ofhappiness.
Iwaseight,nine,tenyearsold.IwasonapicnicwithmybrothersandsistersintheLaurentidesorinLanaudiere,justnorthofMon
treal.Therewerefarms,alotofanimals,plantedfields,woods,ariver,horsesthatmysistersandIrode.Isawallofitagainsoclearly.I
sawmyselfclimbingtrees,swimmingintheriver,walkinginthewoods.AndIwassayingtowhoeverwouldhearmethatonedayI'd
buyahorse,assoonasIearnedmyfirstmoneyasasinger.
AndthenIforgotallaboutit,carriedawaybyanotherdreamofbeingasinger,adreamthatleftroomfornothingelseinmylife.A
fewyearslater,whenIgotmyfirstpayasasinger,mythoughtswerealreadyelsewhere.Insteadofahorse,Iboughtmyselfapairof
highheels.
Now,twentyyearslater,itwasallspringingforthfrommymemory.ThathorseIneverboughtandneverthoughtaboutagain,the
lightofsummer,thefreshnessandthesmelloftheLaurentidesriversandlakes,thefragranceoftheearthandofcuthay.AgainIsaw
thepaththatwetooktogetdowntotheriver,theoverturnedcanoeonthebeach,thelaughterofmysisters,thethicktreesmybrothers
dovefrom,thepebbles,thesand,theraspberrybushesthatscratchedourlegs,thecracklingofburningbranchesinthefireswemade
duringeveningsontheshore.Andallofussingingtogetherlateintothenight,watchingshootingstarsandnorthernlights.
AsIgotoutofthecanalaftersayinggoodbyetomySiren,Ididn'tfeellikespeakingorbeingspokento.Ihardlydaredmove,my
headwassofilledtothebrimwithallthesememories,andIdidn'twanttoloseasingledrop.Iwantedtokeeptheseimagesinmeas
longaspossible,toreviewthemonebyoneandmaybetorememberothers.
[3]
Idon'tthinkitwasnostalgia,butratherakindofcuriosityaboutaveryfarawayperiodofmylifethatIthoughtI'dforgotten,andin
anycase,hadneverthoughtaboutsointensely.IfeltasifIwereseeingandhearingthereallivinglittlegirlIhadbeen,feelinghervery
closetomeagain,socloseIcouldrecognizeherdreams,herwishes,herplans.AndIfeltalittlelikeoneofthosedollsthatcontaina
seriesofsmallerdolls,eachinsidetheother,withthatlittlegirlCelineinsideofme.
Buttheseimagesquicklybegantolosetheircolorandclarity.Afterward,Ithoughtfordaysanddaysaboutmychildhood,andthe
wholejourneyIhadtraveled.OfwhatI'dbeenanddoneortriedtodofortwentyyears,startingwithmyfirstperformancesandthat
firstpairofhighheels.
AndIkeptaskingmyselfwhyIwantedanddreamedsomuchaboutallofthis,allthat'shappenedtome.Why,attwenty,fifteen,at
twelve,evenateight,Ithink,andevenatfive,Isowantedtosucceed,whyIdreamedsomuchofbecomingafamoussingerwho'dbe
listenedtoineverycorneroftheplanet.
Noteveryoneisdrivenbysuchambition.Alotofyoungboysandgirlsspendalongtimewonderingwhattodowiththeirlives.
Someneverfindananswer.ButIalwaysknew.NotthatIclaimanycreditforknowing.I'mlikethattubbyObelix,acharacterina
famousFrenchcomicstrip,whofellintoamagicpotionwhenhewasababy.AssoonasIwasborn,Ifellintosinging,showbusiness.
Andonceinit,Ifeltlikeafishinwater.
I'velovedeverybitofthelifeI'veleduptothissabbatical.Ilivedmymostbeautifuldreamstothefullestararepieceofluck.I've
beenfulfilledemotionally,professionally,artistically,andIalwayswillbe.IloveandI'mloved.Isingandthatismyhappiness.AndI
thankheavenforiteverydayofmylife.
Andthen,Iconsciouslydecidedtoleavethislife.Forayearortwo.Forthefirsttimeinalmosttwentyyears,therewasnothingin
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[4]
mydatebook,noengagement,noperformancecomingup,nointerview,norecordingsession,nogala.Fromnowon,Icouldlivemy
lifefromdaytoday.
Ayearago,suchfreedomwouldhaveoverwhelmedmewithanguish.
Butsomanythingshadhappenedinthecourseofthatsingleyear.Iwasnolongerthesameperson,Iknew.Inolongerhadthesame
fears,thesameapprehensions.AndIwasconfident,happyaboutmynewfoundfreedom,abouttheunknownwaitingforme.
Ibelievethattoliveistochange,todiscoverwhat'snewandtofindsurprisesineverything,inmusic,inone'slifeandloves...
Foralongtime,Icouldn'tthinkofallthishappinessinmylifeandmycareerwithoutfeelingakindoffearoranxiety,withoutask
ingmyselfathousandandonequestions,forwhichIhadnoanswers.
Willitalllast?Whatdoyoudo,become,wheredoyougo,whenyou'vealreadyrealizedyourfondestdreams?Doyouhavetostay
thereandjustwatchthecloudsrollby?Canyoufindotherdreamstofulfill?Otherlivestolive?Istherelifeafterthedream,aftershow
business?Outsideofshowbusiness?
AndwhatwillIdowhenmysabbaticalisover?WhatwillIhavetosay,tosing?AndwillIbeabletofindtheaudienceIleftbehind
onthenightofJanuary1,2000?WillIbeabletoreconnectwiththem?WillIfindthatwearestillonthesamewavelength?
I would always keep on singing. It seemed obvious to me. This sabbatical was only a pause. But I couldn't help thinking that I
wouldn'tbethesameattheendofit.
Formorethanayear,foranynumberofreasons,weputofftheday,monthaftermonth.EachtimeIrealizedthatIwasrelieved,
evenifIdidn'tdareadmitit.Iwasinthejawsofastrangedilemma.MoreandmoreIwantedtostop,torest,recharge,andbealone
with the man of my life. I wanted to take stock of my career, my life, my loves and at the same time, doing such a thing really
frightenedme.
[5]
IthoughtofeverythingIwasleavingbehindthestage,thecrowds,theincrediblyexcitinglifeoftouring,nightsspentatthestudiowith
themusicians,thelifeofanartist,andtravelingaroundtheworld.
Ateveryperformance,assoonasthecountdownstarted,therewherepangsinmyheart,asIexperiencedthatmagicalcontactwith
theaudience,whenwereallyconnectedandweresoclose,sotogether,thecurrentbetweenusflowingsoperfectly.
Bringing a crowd to its feet is such an amazing feeling that nothing in the world can replace it.And I felt that I'd miss those
electrifyingmomentsterribly.Attheendofeachshow,Ialwaystoldtheaudience:"I'mtakingyouwithme.You'llalwaysbeinmy
heart."
SoIleftwithallthesepeopleinmyheart.AllIneededtodowasclosemyeyestosensetheirpresence,tohearthem....Still,a
memory,evenahappyone,canneverreplacerealityit'sneverasmoving,asthrilling,orastrue.Allmemories,eventhestrongest
andmostcherished,inevitablyendbylosingtheircolorandclarity.
Ihavegonethroughextraordinaryliveexperiences.IhavetraveledtheworldIhavemetpeopleIwillneverforget.Ihavebeen
pampered,loved,andacclaimed.
Buttherewasalwaysstagefright,pressure,biggerandbiggercrowdseveryday,largerandlargerstadiums.It'sbeenterrifying.
Andit'sbeengood,reallygood.
Ihadbecomeareal"stressjunkie."Ineededmydoseeveryday.EverytimeIstopped,Iwentintowithdrawal,anddidn'tfeelright
aboutmyself.Marathonerswhoarekeptfromrunningbecauseofaninjuryapparentlyexperiencenausea,dizzyspells.Andtheysay
thatnooneismoredepressedthanacyclistwhojustfinishedtheTourdePrance,evenifhewon.
Therefore,theprospectoflivingastressfree,quiet,cozylifeseemedstressfultome.IthoughtI'dhavetostruggletodecompress
fromstressanddiscipline,toforgetmyvoice,togetfreeofit.Dur
[6]
ingmorethanhalfmylife,I'vebeenaslavetomyvoice,ahappyandconsentingslavewhowasafraidoftheideaoflivinginfreedom.
WhatwouldhappeninmyheadandheartwhenIwasdeprivedofthissweetslavery,thistension,thistremendoussenseofexaltation
youfeelwhenthecrowdgoeswild?
Toreassuremyself,ofcourse,Ipreparedaverydetailedscheduleforliving.Iplannedoutmysabbatical.Ivisualizedhowitwould
allgo,asIhaddoneformyshows.
ButIcouldn't,especiallyduringthefirstmonths,cometoafinalagreementwithmyselfonthescenario.
OnedayIwouldsweartomyselfthatIwouldnotsinganoteaslongasthissabbaticallasted.ThenthenextdayIwouldtellmyself
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thatIwouldneverbeabletoresistifsomebodyofferedmeagreatpartinamovieorabeautifulsongtorecordoranappearanceina
hugeshowfeaturingartiststhatIadmired.
Intheend,allmyspeculationsturnedouttobewrong.
Ihadtoldmyself:"Novocaltraining,oldgirl,nolongsilencestorestyourvoice.It'snotneededanymore.Offwithdiscipline,off
withtraining.You'regonnaplaygolfeveryday.And,tokeepyourmindbusy,you'lltakeSpanishanddrawinglessons."
Ievenboughtcoloredpencils,pastels,charcoals,watercolors,andfancydrawingpaper.
"You'realsogonnatakepianolessons.Andyou'lllistentoeverythingthatcomesoutinthemusicalworld,goodornot,toremain
pluggedintoshowbusiness."
IbegantomakealistofalbumsIwantedtolistento.
"Andyou'llsleeplate,alldayifyouwantto."
Ihadonlybegunmysabbatical,andIalreadyknewthatthingsweregoingtobedifferent.Andthattheywouldhavenothingtodo
withwhatIhadimagined.
ContrarytowhatI'dexpected,everythingwentsmoothly,withoutmiseryorpain.Islippedintothatsabbaticalasifintoanicewarm
[7]
bath.AndIknewrightawaythatnothingwouldluremeout,evenifIwasofferedthechancetosingonthemoonoronVenus,infront
ofacrowdofextraterrestrials.
TomygreatastonishmentandtoRene'sgreatpleasure,Istartedgettingupearly...andinagoodmood.Inthepast,ithadtakensev
eralhoursformetowakeupcompletely.WhenIgotupIwouldn'tspeaktoanyone,andIdidn'twantanyonetospeaktome.Ireally
hatedmornings.Wheneverpossible,Ispentthemasleep.Ialwaysatebreakfastalone.AndnowhereIam,onleave,withabsolutely
nothingtodo,onmyfeetatdawn,listeningtobirdssingingorwatchingmyflowersopeningorpreparingorangejuiceorcoffeeforthe
wholehousehold.
Threemonthsafterthebeginningofmysabbatical,Iwasnotlisteningtoanymusicatallneitherminenoranyoneelse'sandIwould
onlyglanceatfashionmagazinesonceinawhile.IhadbelievedIwasnevergoingtobeabletoremainsilentanymore,andIwasnow
spending long hours, sometimes even days, without saying a word, just for the pleasure of it, for its peace, its sweetness. And I
especiallydidn'tmissstressorstagefright.
IhadalreadypostponedmySpanishlessonsuntilthespring,thensummer,thenautumn,thennextwinter.Ineverunwrappedmycol
oredpencilsandmypastels.Aftertwoorthreeweeksoftotalinactivity,Istartedsingingagain,constantly,everywhere,intheshower,
onthegolfcourse,whiledriving,inthekitchen.Anditgavemeafantasticfeelingofhappiness,anew,unexpectedjoy.
Ievenstartedtrainingmyvoiceagainanddoingmysingingexercisesregularly.IdidthissothatIwouldn'tlosewhatI'dacquired,
butIalsodiditforthesimplepleasurethatcomesfromtraining.AndIspentwholeeveningswatchingtelevision,somethingI'dnever
doneinmylife.WithRene,IfollowedfrombeginningtoendtheplayoffsfortheNationalHockeyLeague.AndIlovedit.
Iamgoodatbeinghappy.Happinesscomestomeinwaves,
alwaysunexpectedandunexplainable.I'mnottalkingaboutthesweetandshallowfeelingthatcomeswithaplatinumalbumoragood
review,butaboutrealhappiness,thekindthatcomesandgoeswithoutwarning.
I have never felt this happiness so close at hand, so overwhelming, as I did that winter of2000, during the first months of my
sabbatical.
Ihadjustlivedthroughtheworstmomentsofmylife.Andyet,Isawsomethinggood,somethingbeautifulandmeaningfulevery
where,eveninthehardtimeswehadgonethrough...
Atthebeginning,suchanideawouldhavebeenunthinkable,almostmonstrous.Butlittlebylittle,Ibegantoacceptit.TodayIknow
thatthereisgoodinallmisfortune.AndIthankheavenforthemisfortunethatbefellus,becauseittransformedus.
Rene,themanofmylife,myentirelife,wasseriouslyill.Togetherwewentthroughaverydifficultordealandemergedstronger,
moreunited,moreinlovethanever.However,Iknowthatfromnowon,anxietywillbeapartofourlife.Akindofcarefreenesshas,
withoutadoubt,disappearedforeverfromourlives.Butatthesametime,Iknowthatit'spossibletoexperienceevenduringtheworst
ordeal,eveninpainandfeargreatmomentsofhappiness.
Becauseweloveeachother.
Ourordealchangedmemorethanallmyprofessionalexperiences.Thankstoit,I'velearnedalotaboutmyself,aboutthemanI
love,aboutlove,evenaboutlife.Ialsolearnedofhisneedforme.Forthefirsttime,helefthimselfgoandtrulyconfidedinme,and
criedonmyshoulder.Andhetoldmehecouldn'tlivewithoutme.
I'vealsohadtheextraordinarychancetodiscoverthatthereisalifeoutsideofshowbusiness.OfcourseIknewitintheorybutI've
learneditforreal,inmyheart,throughmytears,throughhopeandwaiting.
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Actually,whenItookmyleavefrompubliclife,Ialreadysaw
[9]
thingsdifferently.People,myprofession.Andallmyotherprojects,includinghavingachild,hadtakenanewtwist.Rene'shealthhad
becomewhatcountedthemostforme.
Despite all that we have lived, or maybe because of itI'll never know whichwe've rediscovered a kind of confidence in life, an
appetiteforlivingwhat'sofferedus,whetherwewantedit,decidedit,ornot.
Wehadnotgivenuptheideaofhavingachild.Theyearbefore,afewdaysbeforeRenehadhisfirstchemotherapytreatments,we
hadgonetoaspermbank.Itwasobviouslynotthemostromanticexperienceacouplecoulddreamof.Butitgaveustheconfidence
that,whateverhappenes,ourdearestdreamwaspossible.
ButIhadceasedtobelievethatourhappinessdependedonlyonthischild.
Ofcourse,IpromisedmyselfthatIwouldstarttakingallthenecessarymeasuresassoonaspossible.Mygynecologist,Dr.Ronald
Ackerman,hadexplainedtousatlengththeproceduresofinvitrofertilizationandintrauterineinsemination.AndIhaddecidedtogo
throughthefirststepsafterafewmonthsofrest.If,afterward,thischildbecameapartofmylife,somuchthebetter.Ifnot,Iwasgonna
livewithouthimorher.That'swhatItoldmyself.Iespeciallydidnotwanttolayaguilttriponthischildbyputtingmyhappinessinits
hands,evenbeforeitwasborn.Ididn'twanttodream,towriteanyparticularscenario.Iwantedtotakelifeasitcame,andnotasIhad
dreamedit.
Lastwinter,welearnedtoenjoylifeasneverbefore.IsawRenechangealotaswell.Hebegantotakehistimewatchingthesunset,
dolphinsswimming,oracloudfloatingby.Healsostartedgettingthemostoutofthemomentshespentwithme,withhisfriends,or
alone.Evenhislaughchanged,hisexpression.He'smoreawareofOthersthanheeverwas,awareofhappiness,especially.Hefinds
crumbsofiteverywhere...andhesweepsthemcarefullytogether.Andhehimselfisamazed.
Atthebeginning,IwoulddonothingfordaysI'dlivewithoutaplan,withoutmakeup,withnothingbutshortsandaT
shirt, barefoot. I didn't have to care about my looks or spend energy trying to find something smart to say in order to
pleasethemedia.
And through all that, I've discovered small pleasures I could never have thought I'd have before. They're a sign, I
believe,ofadeepchangethatIdon'taltogetherunderstandyet,andonethatI'mnotreallytryingtounderstand.
Forexample,whenpeoplegavemeflowers,Ineverknewwhattodowiththemorwheretoputthem.Ismelledthem
quickly,hardlylookedatthem.Today,Icanspendhoursmakingandremakingbouquets,arrangements.I'mlearningtheir
names,theirodors.Iwatchthempushupfrommyflowerbeds,wither,andthenbloomagain.Ireadbooksaboutthem.I
askgardenersandfloristsquestions.
Whatismore,everyday,atsuppertime,Ifiddleforalongtimewiththecandlelightineachroomofthehouseandthe
patioandtheterraces.I'mlearninghowtocreateatmosphere,howtosetatable,receiveguests...me...theonewho
wassooftentheguest...perhapstoooften.
Andindoingallthat,IdiscoverinmyselfquirksandtraitsofcharacterthatInevernoticedornevertookthetimeto
see.Somemakemehappy,othersdon't.
Forexample,I'velearnedthatI'mexcessivelyconcernedaboutdetailsthatareoftenveryinsignificant.Eventothepoint
ofgettingonmyownnerves.Everythinghastobeperfectallthetime.IfInoticesomethingwrongawaterstainonawall,
thewrongcreaseinthedraperies,acandlethatisn'tstandingstraightupIdon'tstopthinkingaboutit,Igetobsessed,Iget
uptowipethestain,smoothoutthecrease,straightenthecandle....Ifsomeonearound
[11]
meisn'tdoinghisworkwell,Iaskhimtostartagain,orifIcan't,Igobehindhimandtrytodoitbettermyself.
Other days, I try to free myself of my tendency to correct things. I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I'll never be
careless,andI'llneverlikedisorder,butIbelievethatIcouldbecomemorerelaxed,letafewdeadleavesdropontothe
patioorinthepoolwithoutrushingtopickthemup.
AlltherigorandmeticulousnesswithwhichIpracticedmysingingfornearlytwentyyearshaveremainedinme.And
I'vetransferredthemtowhatnowconcernsmethemostRene'shealth,firstandbeforeallbutalsothethousandandone
detailsofdailylifetheupkeepofthishouseinJupiterthatIsolove,theknickknacks,thepaintings,thefurniturethat
I've filled it with. I also focus on the house that we're having built in Quebec. I want to see everything, understand
everything,participateineverydecision,seetheplans,theconstructionsite,andthedesign.
I'lladmitthatI'masticklerfordetail.I'vealwaysbeenone,evenasalittlegirl.IfIhadthesmalleststainortheleast
tearinmydressormypajamas,Iwantedmymotherormysisterstochangeme.Ilikeorderandcleanliness.Ineedit.In
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myhouse,justasinmythoughts,Iwanteverythingtobeimpeccable,clear,precise.
That'sdoubtlesslywhyourreconciliationslastlongerthanourlovers'quarrels.Whenweargue,Itendtosulkalittle,
butafterwardIwantRenetodescribeindetailwhathewasfeeling.Iwanttoknowifhewasfeelingangerorsorrow,
howmuch,andforhowlong.AndIdon'tletupaslongastheleastcloudpersistsbetweenus,aslongasthereistheleast
confusionorfrictioninouremotions.
I'mthesamewaywitheveryoneIloveandeveryoneIworkwith.Andwithmyself.Iliketobeproudofmyself.AndI
regularlytakestock,examinemyconscience,whereasinthepastIreallywasn'tthatinterestedinit.Lookingbackhas
neverbeenmyforte.
Itrytotakelifeasitcomes.ButIdon'trestrainmyselffrommakingplans.Therearesomanythings,thingsthatmightseemsimple
andeasytomostpeoplebutthatIhadneverknownordonebecauseIwasinshowbusiness.Awalkonabusystreetawarmspring
eveningwitholdgirlfriendsminglingwiththecrowdwithoutbeingrecognizedoradinnerathome,alonewiththemanIlovegoing
shoppingbymyselfhavingapursefilledwithpersonalbelongings,acreditcard,keys.Andnotknowingwhattomorrowwillbring,
whatIwilldoorwhereIwillbeinthreeweeks,insixmonths.
Likewise,I'mplanningindetailthepleasuretripIwanttotakewithRenetoEurope,tovisitthecitiesthatwepassedthroughtoo
quickly,thatwedidn'ttakethetimetoknowandlove!
Iwanttovisittheworld'smostbeautifulmuseumsanditsmostfamouscastles,withguideswhowillteachmeeverythingaboutthe
world'streasures.
I'mmakingplans,itineraries.IthinkofthedressI'llwearandwhatI'llhaveRenewearwhenwetakeawalk,somewonderfullymild
evening,perhapsinVenice,handinhand,alone,withoutabodyguardoraphotographer,incognito.Wewilltravelveryslowly,enjoy
ingeachother,enjoyinglife,withoutdemandinganythingfromit.Wewillsimplybesatisfiedandhappywithwhateveritbringsus.
Yetonceagain,lifebroughtusevenmorethanwehadimagined.Somethingincrediblehappened,somethingthatcouldverywellbe
themostimportanteventofourlifetogether.
InMay,asplanned,ImetinNewYorkwithDr.Zev Rosenwaks, a renowned fertility specialist. He suggested that we try a new
fertility method.The idea is to isolate one spermatozoon, and to inject it in an egg with an extremely small needle.The doctor then
proceedstoplacetheembryointheuterus.
Wealreadyhadmillionsofspermatozoainafreezer.Sonowourmainconcernwasformetoproduceasmanyeggsaspossible.
"Thismethodcallsforalotofpatienceandcourage,"thedoctor
[13]
toldme,asifhewasabouttogivemealongspeechonthehardtimesI'dsoonbegoingthrough.
Iimmediatelystoppedhim."Mymotheralreadyhadthirteenchildrenwhenshebecamepregnantwithme,"Itoldhim."AndIknow
herwellenoughtotellyouforcertainthatshehadallthepatienceandcourageshewouldneed."
Idon'tpretendtohavemorecouragethanotherwomen,butIwasingreatshapeandIhadallthetimeIneeded.Andwhat'smore,I
couldgivethisexperimentatryknowingIfulfilledalltherequirements.IhadeverythingIneeded,mentallyandphysically.
"I have to tell you that it is impossible to guarantee the success of this method," the doctor said. "The success rate for in vitro
fertilization,bywhatevermethod,isstillonlytwentyfivepercent."
"AsfarasIknow,Doctor,eventheoldnaturalwayisneveronehundredpercentsure."
"Fairenough,"hesaid,"butwhatI'mofferingyouisabitlesspleasurable."That'sforsure!
Tobeginthisprocess,Ihadtopreparemybodybyinjectingmyselfeverydaywithan"antiescrogen"thatwouldregulateandcon
trolmyovulation.
I returned to NewYork, where I began to receive massive injections of hormones that would create a "superovulation."Almost
everydayIhadtohavebloodtestsandsonogramssothedoctorscouldadjustmylevels.Becauseofthesehormones,mybellyswelled
uplikealittleballoon.Itwascertainlynotcomfortable,butitreallymadeReneandmelaughanddream.Luckily,Ididn'thaveanyof
thedizzinessandhotflashesthatmanywomenhaveduringthistreatment.
Whenmyovareachedmaturity,thedoctorstookthemoutofmeandplacedtheminatesttube.Thentheywereputincontactwith
thespermatozoa.ThishappenedonMay25.Threedayslater,threelittleeggswerebackinsideme.Bythismethod,Icouldpossibly
have
hadtwinsortriplets.Butthatwouldalsobeproblematic.Formorethanamonth,uptomidJuly,Iinjectedmyselfdailywithproges
terone,ahormonethatinsuresthecontinuationofthepregnancy.
Alloftheseprocedureshadnothingtodowithpoetry.Itwasallverytechnicalandcold.Nothingtodowiththebeautifulactwecall
love.
ButRenewasalwaysbymyside,fascinated,caring,andverytender.Wewentthroughallthestepstogether.Ithadbecomeour
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dearestdream.Wewouldtalkallthetimetoeachotherandtoourfriend.Tothepublictoo.Wehadneverhiddenourfertilityproblems.
Andwewerenotgoingtokeepthisexperimentsecret.Northeresultswhatevertheywouldbe.
Ihadtospendafewdayswithoutmovingsothatthesmalleggswouldstayattached.Idecidedtofollowalltherulesverycarefully.I
hadtoldthedoctors:"Iwanttoputeverychanceonmyside.Evenifit'sdifficult,evenifit'spainful.Ifyouwant,Icanstopmoving
altogetherforninemonths."
Theywerenotaskingforsomuch.ButtheydidwarnmemorethanoncethatIhadtobeverycareful,especiallyduringthefirst
month.
On the morning of June8, Dr. RonaldAckerman dropped by my house in Jupiter. He had been coming very often for the past
months.ButthatdayIwasnotexpectinghim.Hehadcomebythedaybefore,hadexaminedme,andtakenabloodsample.Hehadleft
sayingitwouldstilltaketwoorthreedaysbeforeheknewifIwaspregnantornot.
HehadjustarrivedwhenAlain,mysisterLinda'shusband,cametotellmethatDr.Rosenwakswasonthephone.Iwasalsotalking
tohimeveryday.Thismorning,strangely,hedidnotaskaboutmyhealth,nordidheasktospeaktoDr.Ackermanashealwaysdid.He
simplyaskedwhatIwasdoing.
"Eatinglunch,"Ianswered.
[15]
"What?"
"Toast,pate,tea."
"WhataboutRene?"
"Ithinkhe'sinhisoffice."
"Andyou?"
"Inthekitchen,withDr.Ackerman."
"BettergetRene."
"Hecantalktoyoufromthere."
HewasabouttocometoFloridaandIthoughtheprobablywantedtoorganizeagolfgamewithReneorsomethinglikethat.Buthe
hesitatedafewsecondsandthenhesaid:"Iwanttotalktobothofyoutogether.Iwantyoutobeinthesameroom."
IcalledReneontheintercom.Ihadareallyhardtimetryingnottosoundnervousandexcited.Ihadfinallyunderstoodwhatwas
happening.Iknewthatthedoctorhadreally,reallybignewsforus.AndDr.AckermancouldseethatIknew.Icouldseehimtryingto
avoidmyeyes.Itwasobviousthathewantedtolaugh.
WhenRenearrivedinthekitchen,Iwasalsotryingtolookverycalm.Hedidnothaveaclueeither.Hedidn'tevenknowwhowas
onthephone.
LindahadsetthephonesoeverybodycouldhearDr.Rosenwakssaying:"Areyouthere,Rene?""Yes!""Youthere,Ronald?""Okay,
go."
Andwhenwewerealltogether,ZevandRonaldtoldus:"Congratulations,lovers!"
Iimmediatelysawmylove'seyesfillwithtears.Hecameclosetomeandtookmeinhisarms.
"You'repregnant,Celine,"ZevandRonaldkeptsaying."Congratulationstothebothofyou,"addedRene.
Eventhisdream,whichI'dpracticallyforbiddenmyselffromhavingbecauseitseemedsofragile,wasnowgoingtoberealized.Iwas
goingtohaveababywiththemanIlove.
I was in Rene's arms, and he was laughing through his tears. For quite a while we stood holding each other in the middle of the
kitchen.
Bothofusknewthatwecouldn'thideourgreatjoyforverylong.Thesecretwastoobigandtoobeautifultokeepjusttoourselves.
Wespenttherestofthedayonthetelephone.Wecalledmyparents,allmybrothersandsisters,Rene'schildren,andourfriendsin
Montreal,NewYork,Paris,LosAngeles,totellthemthegoodnews.
Buttheycouldn'tkeepthesecreteither.ByeveningtheofficesofourpublicistsinMontrealandLosAngeleswereswampedwith
reporters,andbythenextmorningtherehadtobeapressreleaseannouncingmypregnancy.
Inanycase,ourhappinesshadtobeknown.Fortwentyyearswe'dsharedakindofintimacywiththepublicatlarge.Iwantedthem
toshareourjoyjustasthey'dsharedoursuffering.
Ibelieveyoushouldneverhideyourhappiness.Itlightsupandcheersuptheworld.Tokeepitonlyforyourselfistoloseit.
ThatdayIfeltagreatstrengthandpeacecomingoverus.Definitely,itcamefromsomewhereelse.ButIknewthatRenewasthe
onewhohadsummonedthatstrengthandpeacetous.
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Whenhefellill,hehadtofightit.Hecouldn'tjustgiveupandletourhappinessdie.Insteadofgivingup,hechosetofightwithall
hisstrength.Hehadtobecauseofhisloveforlife,becauseofhisloveformeandforhischildrenandhisfriends.
Andnowthatlifethathehadsovaliantlydefendedwasstrugglingandgrowinginme.Itwouldbetheproofthatyouhavetobelieve
in
[17]
happiness,theproofthatloveexistswithasmuchintensityandaslongasyoubelieveinit.
Twoweekslater,wesawtheheartofourchildbeating,asmallandrapidsound.
"Onehundredandfortytwobeatsaminute.That'sverygood,"saidoneofthedoctors.
ThenhemadeaquickcountandannouncedthatIwasgoingtogivebirthonFebruary14,2001.
Later,inAugust,afterthreemonthsofpregnancy,wehearditslittleheartbeat.At 162beatsaminute,astrongpulse.Werecordedit,
andsincethenhavebeenlisteningtoiteverynightbeforegoingtosleep.
Weknewthatallofitwasstilltenuous,thatweneededpatience,passion,joy,strength,andalotofluckaswell.
Butwealsoknewthatwhateverhappened,lifehadalreadytriumphed.
1
I'11neverforgetthedayIsanginpublicforthefirsttime.ItwasattheweddingofmybrotherMichel,whoisalsomy
godfather.Iwasfiveyearsold.Iworealongdress,bluewithsmallwhiteflowers,andwhitegloves.Itmusthavebeen
duringthesummerbecauseMichelwasmarriedonhisbirthday,whichisAugust18.
Mybrothersandsistershadputtogetherarealshowforthenewlyweds.Theysetupanentirestage,completewith
lightingandamplifiers.Theyevendidsoundchecks.Webeganbysingingfolksongstogether,theneachofusdidhisor
her own little number. During the few days before, Maman had me practice several tunes, including "Mamy Blue"
(GrannyBlue),whichIlovedandwhichIwasgoingtosingaccompaniedbymybrotherDanielatthepiano.
Untilthatmoment,I'donlysungatourplace,withthefamily.Almosteveryeveningaftersupper,weformedachorus
andsangsongsfromtheolddays,inrounds.OrwedidbighitsbyJimiHendrixorCreedenceClearwaterRevivalthatwe
alllovedsomuch.A
[19]
lotoftimesmyfathertookouthisaccordionandmymotherherviolin.DanielandmysisterGhislainecouldplayany
instrument.Andiftherewerenodrumsetsinthehouse,theytappedontables,walls,pots,therefrigerator...
While the family did the dishes, somebody stood me up on the kitchen tablemy first stage, a kind of theater in the
round like the ones I prefer today, with the audience on every side. I sang with all my might, using a fork, spoon, or
dishmopasamike.AndImadethemalllaugh.Iwasn'tafraidofanythingoranyone.TheonlyproblemwasthatInever
wantedtostopsinging.OnceIgotstarted,itwasdifficulttogetmeoffthetable.
Oneevening,asajoke,orjustbecausethey'dhadenough,assoonasthedishesweredone,myfamilysignaledtoeach
other to slip into the living room, after turning off the light, leaving me all alone on the table with my dishmop in my
hands.
It didn't really bother me. In the first place, I knew they didn't intend anything mean by it. None of my brothers or
sistershaseverwantedtohurtmeofthisI'msure.Whatismore,neverinmylife,inthepastorpresent,haveIdoubted
for a fraction of a second my family's love for me, or the love my brothers and sisters feel for each other and for my
parents.Whentheywalkedoutonmy"kitchenconcert,"Iknewitwasagame,atricktheywereplayingonme.They
wantedtomakeusalllaugh.SoIcalmlygotoffthetableandjoinedtheminthelivingroom,wheretheymadesureIhada
reallygoodtime.We'vealwayslovedplayingtricksinmyfamily.Ithinkwegetitfrommyfather.
Whenpeoplevisitedmybrothers'friendsorgirlfriendsorpalsofmysisterstheatmospherewascompletelydifferent.
For me, anyway. I would never have climbed on the table or even sung alone. Unless these outsiders were themselves
musiciansorsingers,whichoftenhappenedtobethecase.Infact,ourhouseattractedalltheyoung
peopleintheareawholikedtomakemusic.Andweoftenhad"gueststars"appearwithourband.Thosetimes,Istayedquiet.Ijust
listened.AndwhenIfeltconfidentenough,Iaddedmyvoicetotheothers'.Butforalongtime,mysingingwasprivate,purelyafamily
affair.
Asaresult,I'dneversungforanaudienceasimportantorasunfamiliarastheonethatwasgatheredatMichel'swedding.Whenit
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wasmyturntogoonstage,Ibecameparalyzedbystagefright.Everyonewaswatchingmeandwaitingformetobegin.Thesepeople
intimidatedme:cousinsI'dhardlyeverseen,friendsofmybrothersandsisterswhoprobablyknewnothingaboutmusicanddidn't
reallywanttohearmeperform.
AfriendofMichel,PierreTremblay,playedthefirstchordsof"MamyBlue."Iwasstandingnexttohim,staringatthefloor,avery
unpleasantringinginmyears.Pierrewinkedatmeandbeganhisintroagain.But1stoodtherefrozen.ThenIfeltmymother'shandon
myback,pushingmegentlyandfirmly.Andhervoicewassayingtome:"Goahead,mylittlegirl,goahead,it'syourturn."
SoIsteppedforwardandsang.
Idon'trememberexactlywhathappenedafterthis,butIdoremembernotwantingtostopandbeggingMicheltoletmesingother
songs.Ialsosanginallthegroupsformedbymybrothersandsisters.
Thatdaygavemegreatpleasure,afeelingofhavingconqueredmyfear,mystagefright.AndIdefinitelyknewforthefirsttimein
mylifethatunforgettablesensationfeltbyasingerwhensherealizesthatshe'scaptivatedalistener,thatshe'sbeingheard,applauded.
ThatdayIknewIwouldbesingingmywholelife.AndthatI'ddiscovermyhappinessindoingso.
wasbornonMarch30,198.Iwasamistake,anaccident,andthecauseofaseriousquandaryformymother.
[21]
Thedayshelearnedshewaspregnant,shehadtorelinquishplansshe'dbeencherishingalongtime.Iwasinnowayapartofthese
plans.Mybirthwasunwantedandunexpected.Bycomingintotheworld,Icrushedherdreams.I'vealwayslovedhersomuchthatifI
hadknownthis,IthinkIwouldnothavebeenabletoletmyselfbeborn.
My mother had already brought up thirteen children. For more than twenty years she'd kept house. She did the washing and the
housework,thecleaning,theironing,themeals.Andshediditalloverandoveragain,duringgoodtimesandbadtimes,365daysa
year.Bythetimeshebecamepregnantwithme,shethought,andshehadarighttothink,thatshehadfinishedherwork.Mymother
believedthatatlonglastshewouldbeabletodosomethingelse.
Hertwoyoungestchildrenatthattime,PaulandPauline,whoweretwins,wereenteringschoolthefollowingfall.Mymotherwould
havesomefreetime.Shecouldleavethehouseandseetheworld.Shewantedtogetajobandmakealittlemoney.Maybeshe'dtravel
withmyfathertoseetheseaandthepartofQuebeccalledtheGaspepeninsulaagain.Theyhadbothspenttheirchildhoodsthere,and
theyhadn'tbeenbacksincetheirmarriage.
Mymotherhadgonesofarastoseetheparishpriesttoaskhimifshecould"stophavingchildren,"astheysaidatthetime,which
meantusingcontraceptives.AtthetimethepriestsofQuebechadalotofauthority.Thisonebeganpreachingtoher.Hetoldhershe
didn'thavetherighttodefynature.Mymotherwasfurious.SowasIwhenshetoldmethestory.Butatthesametime,Ihavetoadmit
that,inaway,Iowemylifetothatpriest.
ThetwinswerecelebratingtheirsixthbirthdayonthedaymymotherandIcamehomefromLeGardeurHospital,whereIhadbeen
bornfourdaysearlier.Mamanleftmeinthearmsofmysistersandbrothersandmadeachocolatecakeforthetwins.Atourplace,
childrenwerealwaysentitledonthedayoftheirbirthdaytoabig
[22]
chocolateorvanillacakewithcandles,aswellasthepresentsthatmyparentshadboughtthem.
Soitwasadayofcelebration,butmymother'sheartwasheavy.Withme,who'dcometomessupherplans,onthe
scene,shefoundherselfthrownbacktosquareone,onceagainconfinedtothesmallworldthatshesomuchwantedto
leave.Iwasforcinghertoputoffherdreamofanewlife,adreamshe'dthoughtshewasabouttorealize.
Iimaginethatdespiteherself,atthebottomofherheart,sheheldmybeingbornagainstmeabit.ButIalsoknowthat
she didn't waste much time feeling sorry for herself. That's simply not her way. My mother is happy to take care of
everybody,butshe'sneverhadmuchsympathyforcomplainersandcrybabies.
Idon'tknowhowithappened,but,insomeway,anddespitemyself,Isucceededinmakingmypresencefelt.Imust
havefoundawaytomakepeacewiththemotherwhohadn'treallywantedmeatfirst.SomehowImusthavewonher
over.ButIcan'ttaketoomuchcreditforit.Mymotherwasalwayscrazyaboutbabieshersandotherpeople's.Andwhat's
more,Iseemtohavebeenagoodbaby.Ididn'tcrytoomuchandIquicklybegansleepingnights.Ofcourse,Ihadfifteen
peopleatmybeckandcall.
Ispentthefirstdays,weeks,ormaybemonthsofmylifeinthearmsofmymotherorfather,oroneofmythirteenolder
brothersandsisters.Iwasthefocusofinterestforthesefifteenpeople,withoutadoubtthemostattentiveandindulgent
audienceI'veeverhad.Theywatchedme,pamperedme,worshipedme.IntheeveningtheyarguedaboutwhosebedI'd
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sleepin.
MysisterGhislaine,whowasalmostten,madeasurprisingdiscoveryatthetime.Everytimeshesoftlysangmyname
inatiny,veryhighfalsetto,Iwouldbegintocryasifoncue.Quitenaturally,sheinferredfromthisthatIdidn'tlikemy
name.Mymotherhadchosen
[23]
it because, during her pregnancy, the HuguesAufray song "Celine" was an enormous success in Quebec and France.
"Celine"tellsthestoryoftheoldestofmanychildren,themotherofwhomdieswhilegivingbirthtothelastchild.The
eldesthassacrificedheryouthtoherbrothersandsisters.Andtheyearshavegonebywithoutherhavingknownlove.
Ghislainesangothernamesinthesametoneofvoice,toseehowI'dreact.AndIcriedjustasmuch.Soclearlyitwas
thepitchorthekeyofthesongthatbotheredme.Theotherchildrenbeganamusingthemselvesbymakingmecryuntil
mymotherintervened.Nomoresinginginthatkey.Buttheyweren'tkeptfromplayingmusicandsinginginalltheother
keys.
I had the incredible luck to be born into a home that was filled with music and song from morning until night
sometimesevenfromeveninguntilmorning.ThemusicofothersJanisJoplin,JimiHendrix,FelixLeclerc,JacquesBrel,
Barbra Streisand, and Ginette Renoas well as our own music. The music that my parents playedmy father with his
accordion and my mother with her violinreels, gigs, the lively dance music called rigadoons.And the music that my
brothers and sisters played with their guitars, pianos, percussion instruments ... Is it any wonder that all of us have
remaineddeeplyattachedtoourchildhoods?
Wewerefarfromrich.Butwelovedeachother.Andwehadourmusic,whichinadditiontohealthandlove,represents
what'smostbeautifulandpreciousinthisworld.
I really believe that where there is music, happiness can't be far behind.As my brother Clement says, music attracts
happinesslikethewoodendecoysthathuntersuseattractdeerormoose.
Thisexplainswhyfamilyhasalwaysbeensoimportanttome,whyitisdirectlyconnectedtomyhappinessandmy
emotionalequilibrium,tomyeverydaylifeandmycareer.
I'vealwaysbeenveryclosetomyparents,tomybrothersandsisters,butespeciallytomymother.EvenwhenIreachedtheage
when almost all girls break away from their mothers, distance themselves, try to emancipate themselves or even openly rebel, I
continuedtoseemymotherasarolemodel.Shewasmyfriend,myconfidanteandpal,aswellasthatirreplaceable,essential,unique
beingchatamotheris.Mymotheristhepillarofourfamily.Shewrotemyfirstsongs.Shewasmyfirstmanager.IftodayI'vemetthe
manwhohasmademehappy,it'sthankstoher...andit'sinspiceotheraswell.
My father's temperament is altogether different from my mother's. He's much more private and discreet than my mother, and less
authoritarianaswell,perhapslesssureofhimselfinfrontofothers,oratleastmorewithdrawn.Hiswifeistheauthority.AndIchink
that'sthebargainhehasstruck.Shedecideshegoeswiththeflow.Shetakescareottheproblemshedetestsgettingembroiledinthem.
Sheparticipatesinanythingthatconcernsthefamilyhefleesdisputes,conflicts.Toomuch,perhaps.
Myfathertalksalot,butmostoftenhedoesthistoentertain,tomakepeoplelaugh,tomakethemforgettheircaresandworries.He's
alwaysbeenamasteratturningeverythingintoajoke.Hedoesn'twanttoseemisery,misfortune,sadness,orsufferingathomeoratthe
homesofothers.Hehatesgoingtohospitals,forexample.Evenwhenmymotherandmysistersweregivingbirth,itwaspractically
impossibletogethimtovisitthem.ButIbelievethatinmostcasesmenjustdon'tlikethesekindsofsituations.
Myfatherdoesn'tconnectwithothersaseasilyasmymother.Evenwithhischildrenorwithme,atanyratehedoesn'ttrytocom
municateonintimatelevelsortoknowwhatothersarethinkingorfeeling.Hejustwantseverybodytobehappy.Healwaysseesonly
thegoodsideofthingsandpeople.Hedoesn'tsee,orhekeepshimselffromseeing,theuglyside.Forinstance,Idon'teverremember
[25]
hearinghimcomplainaboutsomethingorspeakbadlyaboutanyoneatall.
Helovestofish,evenwhenthefisharen'tbiting.Helovesgolf,evenwhenhe'splayingwayabovepar.Helikesthepeacefulnessof
theseactivities,andtheirbeautifulenvironments.
Myfatherisverygoodwithhishands.Hecanbuildanentirehouselaythefoundation,doallthecarpentry,putinthewindows,the
electricalwiring,theinsulationandplumbingeverything.Andhe'sdoneit.I'veeventhoughtthatwhensomethingbrokeorwascracked
in our house, he was glad about it. He gets out his tool chest and puts everything back together. He was my brothers' idol and they
learnedalotfromhim.Whathelikeslessisallthefinishinganddetailwork,the"finickystuffattheend,"ashecallsit.
Papa is an extraordinary accordion player. When I was small, he was part of an orchestra that played at weddings and holiday
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celebrations,notonlyinourlittlesuburbanvillageofCharlemagnebuteverywhereintheregioninRepentigny,inLanaudiere,ineast
Montreal.Whenherehearsedaloneorwithhisfriends,thesoundofhisaccordionthrilledme,sofluidandjoyful,soverysweetjust
like him. He always had a very distinctive way of playing. Basically, my father revealed a lot more about himself to us through his
musicthanhedidbytalkingtous.Whenheplayed,heevenlookeddifferent.Andhewasalwayssmiling.
SoIusedtolistentohimandsodidtheothermembersofmyfamily.Heplayedstandingup,hisbackagainstthewallofthekitchen
orthelivingroom.AndIthinkallofusweresurprisedtoseethatthisman,whoordinarilydemandedsolittleattention,suddenlystood
outwhenheplayedhisaccordion.Hedidmorethanplay.Heput"soul"intothemusic.Andthatwassomethingweallcouldfeelit
"knockedusout."Sometimes,aswell,hewouldimprovise,orhemixedmusicalgenresandallsortsofmelodies,oldtuneshe'dtaught
usandrockriffsthatmybrotherswerelisteningtoatthetime.Thenhecouldfeelhehadholdofus,andhewashappy...andsowere
we.Andhe'dwinkatus.Myfatheristheworldchampionofwinkers.
Playing music is also how he seduced my mother. I can guess well enough how he went about it. When my father plays the
accordion,hecanbecomedangerouslyseductive.Asamusician,hehasthisunusualtalentofenteringdirectlyintopeople'shearts,of
reallytouchingthem.
Likehim,mymotherhadbeentransplantedfromtheGaspepeninsulafromsea,forest,andskytoLaTuque,whichisinthemost
remotepartoftheMauricieregionofQuebecwithitsfactoriesandsmoke.That'swheretheymet.Shewasseventeen,hewastwenty
one.Hehadhisaccordion,sheherviolin.Theybothknewthesamerepertoireofreels.Theyplayedthe"HangingManReel"(LeReel
du pendu). He showed her the chords to "Mockingbird" (L'Oiseau moqueur).A year later, they were married.And then came the
children,fromDenisetothetwins,thirteenchildreninsixteenyearsquiteafigure.Thenme,unexpected,amistake,afewyearslater.
WhenI'vetriedtorecountmychildhood,I'veaskedmyselfifthememoriesI'vekeptofitwerereallymineorifIrecreatedtheminmy
mindbasedonwhatmyoldestsiblingshavetoldme.Atourhouse,everybodyremembersthedayIwasborn.They'vespokentome
aboutitsomuchthatIcansaywhattheweatherwaslikecloudyandwindy.Allmybrothersandsisterswitnessedmyfirststepsthey
allwaitedforandheardmyfirstwords.TheyalsorememberthefirstsongsIsangwiththem,andthecaraccidentthatnearlycoseme
mylifewhenIwastwoyearsold.Iendedupinthehospitalwithafracturedskullandaconcussion.
[27]
Icanvisualizethesceneryperfectly.Itwasverysunny.Oneofthefirstdaysofspring.Theearthandthenearbyriversmelledgood.
MybrothersMichel,Jacques,andDanielweredoingspringcleaningintheyard.Theyhadtorakeuptheoldgrass,cleantheflower
beds,andpickupthedeadbranches.Iwasplayinginmysandbox.Throughthehedgeaverythinhedgethatenclosedtheyard,Isawa
womanpushingababycarriageabluebabycarriage.
IthoughtitwasmysisterDenisewithherbabyChristian.Apparently,IwasreallyfixatedonDeniseandherbaby.SoIwenttoward
them.IwasinthemiddleofthestreetwhenIrealizedthatI'dmadeamistake.Itwasn'tmysisterbutaneighboroutwithherbaby.
Mybrothers,whowereintheyard,heardthescreechoftiresandthecriesofthewoman.Twosecondslater,theywereatthesceneof
theaccident,infrontofthehouse.TheysawabigblackcarstoppedintheverymiddleoftherueNotreDame,thedooropen,aman
standingbesideit,unmoving,andmespreadoutunderthebumper.
Michelthrewhimselftothegroundtogetmeoutofthere.DanielandJacquestriedtoholdbackmymother,who'dcomerunningout
ofthehousebecauseshethoughtI'dbeenseriouslyhurt,thatmaybeIwasdead,andtheydidn'twanthertoseeme.
Fromthenon,theversionsdiffersomewhat,asisusuallythecasewiththiskindofstory.
"Youwerecryingyourheartout,"mybrotherswillsay.
"Shewasn'tmakingasound,"contestsmymother."Andthat'sexactlywhatworriedmethemost.Shewasn'tcryingbuthereyes
wererolledupintoherhead."
Iwasn'tbleedingeither,butIhadblackandbluemarksandbadbruisesonmyarmsandforehead.
"Papawasthere,"maintainDanielandJacques.
"Impossible,"claimMamanandMichel."Hewouldhavebeenworkingatthathour[atthetimehewasameatinspectoratthe
Cooperative Federation of Quebec]. The ambulance had already left when he arrived. There was nobody there but
policemenfinishingtheirreport."
Afewyearsago,whenIbegancollectingfamilysouvenirstoputtogetheranalbumformyparentsagiftIhaveyetto
finishmyfathertookoutofhiswalletanoldpieceofpinkpaperthathe'dheldontoformorethantwentyfiveyears.It
wasthepolicereport.Thankstothisdocumentandtotheaccountsofmybrothers,Iknowthemakeandcolorofthecar
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thathitmeaswellasthenameofthemanwhowasdrivingitJacquesPicard.
He'dofferedmybrotherstwentydollarsnottocallthepolice.Myfatherunderstoodwhyafewweekslater,whenhe
sawthegentleman'sfaceonpagethreeoftheJournaldeMontreal.ThemanbelongedtotheeastMontrealunderworld.
Andhe'dbeenbumpedoffbyothercriminalsforsomeallegedcrimeorother.Godtakehissoul!
Thatevening,forthefirsttimeinmylife,Isleptallalone,farfrommymother,inachildren'shospital.Obviously,I
don'trememberanyofit,nomorethanIdotheaccident.Iwasonlytwoyearsold.Butittookyearsformetoexperience
beingaloneagain.
WhenIwassmall,Ineverwantedtogotobed.IfIsleptatthehouseofoneofmymarriedsisters,wheremymother
sometimesleftmefortwoorthreedays,I'dalwaysmakeabigscene.Iwantedtostaynearherallthetime,nomatter
where she was or what she was doing. I think she basically got used to it. Until I was eighteen or nineteen, we were
practicallyinseparable.
Wherever I am today, I'm still very connected to my family. Two of my sisters, Manon and Linda, live near me on
nearlyapermanentbasis.MybrothersMichelandClementareneververyfaraway.TheothersIseeregularlywhenI'min
MontrealorwhentheycometoFloridaorLasVegas.Andadaydoesn'tpassthatIdon'tspeaktomymother.Inaddition,
shevisitsmeoftenwithmyfatherandmyaunt
[29]
Jeanne,hereldestsister,inJupiter,Florida,whereReneandIhaveourhouse.
Myrelativeswentwithmeontourforyearsmymother,ofcourse,whohasendlessenergyandlikesbigcities:New
York, London, and especially Paris. Through her, I always know what is happening in the familywhether it be with
brothers, sisters, sistersinlaw, brothersinlaw, nephews and nieceswho's doing what, where, when, how, who's got a
cold,whowaspromotedatwork,who'sboughtanewcar,whothinksshe'spregnant,who'sfightingwithwhomandwhy.
Weseeeachotheralotandwetalkagreatdeal,aboutwhat'shappeningtousnowbutalsoespeciallyaboutthetime
whenwewerealltogetherinthelittlehouseinCharlemagne.Wethinkofthathouseasifitwerealostparadisethatwe
alldreamofreturningtoasifwewishallsixteenofuscouldbecrammedtogether,withasinglebathroom,fourtiny
bedrooms,nodishwasher(ofcourse),anoilfurnacewithitshellishsmell,withoutanymoderncomforts.
HowcanIexplainthatthisistheplacewherehappinesslives?AndhowcanIbesureofthis?
I believe there is something magical about big families, families that know and share a lot of human warmth. But
sometimesItellmyselfthatmaybewehaveforgottenthedifficultiesandhardships,andthatwe'verememberedonlythe
goodtimeswespenttogether,andthatweexaggeratethemmoreeachtimewetalkaboutthem.
Bigfamilieshavelotsofsharedhistory.Andlotsofhistorians,ofcourse.Eachoftheolderchildrenhashisversionof
thefacts,hermemories,hispointofview,andherinterpretation.Icertainlyalwayswanttohearthestories,especially
whentheygobacktotheearlysixtiesoreventothemidfifties,longbeforeIshoweduptoturnmymother'slifeupside
down.
Astimepassed,Ibegantoknowsomeoldstoriesalmostaswellas
ifIhadreallylivedthembecauseIheardthemtalkedaboutsomuch.Forexample,sometimesIfeelasifIreallyknewmy
grandfatherDion,towhomfatedealta"lowblow."Justacoupleofstepsfromthehousewherewewerelivingatthe
time,hewashitandkilledbyatrain.By"we"Imeanmyfamily,butactuallyIneverlivedinthathouse,whichmyfather
builtfromthegroundup.Aftertheterribledeathofhisfather,hecouldn'tstandbeinginthathouse.Eventoday,hedoesn't
liketotalkaboutwhathappened.
"Yourgrandfatherhadjustleftthehouse.Therewasaterriblenoise.AndthroughthekitchenwindowIsawmyfather's
carhittingthetrain.Whenthetrainstopped,thecarwasjustaheapofscrapmetal.Iwentuptoitandstayedthere,unable
tomove."
Afterward,myfathercouldn'tstayinthehouseandseethetrainthathadkilledhisfatherpassingbyeveryday.Sowe
moved.
ThiswasseveralyearsbeforeIwasborn,butevenso,IcantellthestoryofourmovingasifI'dbeenthere.Ithadbegun
torain,andtherewasnocanvascoveringthetruck.Themenhaddeliveredthefurnitureandamattresswascompletely
soaked. The kids liked finding themselves in a new house, especially because it had a large yard on the banks of the
AssomptionRiver.Therewerebigtreesfromwhichmybrothershungtirestomakeswings.
ItwasanoldCanadianhousewiththekitchennexttothemainbuilding,likeintheolddays.Atthefront,averynarrow
porchranalongtheentirefront,fromwhichyouhaddirectaccesstothesidewalkoftherueNotreDame,whichwasvery
busyandnoisy.Onthegroundfloor,nexttomyparents'room,therewasalargelivingroomthatactuallylookedmorelike
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amusicroom.Oftentherewasadrumsetinthemiddleoftheroom,guitars,mikes,amps,taperecorders,wiresrunningin
alldirections,records,tapes.Therewasalso,onthesidefacingthestreet,asittingroomwhereyoubarelysetfootunless
therewereimportantvisitors.Itwasacold,darkplace,andIdidn't
[31]
liketogo'there.Eventoday,Ipreferkitchenstolivingrooms,fortalkingandplayingcards.
Thechildren'sroomswereonthesecondfloor,twoforthegirls,twofortheboys.Inthelarger,whichIsharedwith
PaulineandManon,thewallswerecoveredwithpostersofactorsandsingers.Thebeds,whichoccupiedalmosttheentire
room,weresoclosetogether,youhadtosqueezethroughthespacebetweenthem,andbetweenthebedsandthechestsof
drawers,andbetweenthedormerwindowandthebigmirroronthedoorofthewardrobe.
Ilikedwatchingmysisterswhentheyputontheirmakeup,gotdressed,andposedinfrontofthemirror.Ithoughtthey
werebeautiful.AndIwasimpatienttogrowupanddowhattheyweredoing.
Theyalsosangalot,imitatingMireilleMathieu,Dalida,GinetteReno,BarbraStreisand,ArethaFranklin.BeforeIeven
startedschool,Ialreadyknewallthesesingingstars.
Iparticularlyrememberonerainyday.Ghislaine,whomusthavebeenaboutfifteenyearsold,hadturnedontherecord
playerinourroomandshewasmimickingasinger'sperformanceoverandoveragain.Ilistenedtoherallafternoon.She
heldanoldmikewithoutawireoraplug,butshemadeuseofitasifshewereonastage,facinganaudiencethatshewas
welcomingandthanking.AndIfeltasifI,too,couldheartheapplause.
I'veforgottenthetitleofthesongitwasinEnglishandIcan'trememberthenameofthesinger.ButIremembermy
sister'sconcentrationanddetermination.Shewouldaskmetosettheneedlebacktothebeginningofthesongwhileshe
gotherbreathback.Thenshe'dstartagain.Iwassittingonthefloornexttoher.Iwatchedhersinginthemirror.AndI
wasasexcitedandhappyasshewaswhenshesucceededinduplicatingtheintonationsofthesinger.Thatevening,my
brothers(probablyClementondrums,Jacques
onguitar,andDanielonkeyboard)foundthemusicforthesong,andGhislainesangalongwiththem.Everybodylistened,evenmy
fatherandmother,evenGrandmaDion,who'dcometolivewithusaftermygrandfather'sdeath.
Shewasalreadyveryoldandnearlyinfirm.Shedidn'tspeakverymuch.Shehadaphobiaaboutopendoors.Shetoldusallthetime
toclosethemtokeepouttheflies,eventhecellardoor,eveninthemiddleofwinter,whentherewerenofliesanywhere.
Mamanwaswonderfultoher.Shegaveherherownroom,onthefirstfloor,andshemovedtothesecondfloorwithPapa.Shetook
careofher,washedher,changedherlikeababy.Sheevenhelpedhereatandgetdressed.
Idon'tknowifI'dhavethecourageandthestrengthtodosomethinglikethat,butIabsolutelyadmirethosewhodoit,whetherfor
familymembersorasaprofession.I'mcertainthattheyfindpleasureinsomepartofit.Doinggooddoesyougooditmakesyoua
biggerperson.
OncemoreIseeGrandma,huddledinherrockingchair,lost,completelylostinherthoughts.Shewouldsmileallthetime.Even
whenyoucouldn'thearyourselfthinkinthehouse,becausetherewereseveralkindsofmusicplayingatthesametime.Forexample,
GhislaineandClaudette,mygodmother,wouldbesingingupstairsinthegirl'sbigbedroom.Downbelow,Jacqueswouldbeplayingthe
guitar, Clement the drums, Daniel the piano. Michel was listening to his jazz records. Another of my sisters was talking on the
telephone.AndsometimestheTVwasplayingoverallofthat.
But most often, someone, my father or my mother, imposed some order on the chaos and everybody ended up making music
together.Thiscouldlasthours,allevening,ifnotthroughpartofthenight.Grandmastayedinherrockerandwatchedhersonsfamily
makemusic,playingreelsasoldastheearthitselfordoingversionsofthe
[33]
bighitsoftheDoors,Hendrix,orJoplin.Sheseemeddelighted.Andmaybealittledeaf,aswell.
Allofthismademefeelgreat,free.Iwantedthislifetolastforever.Itwassweetandgood.ImustsayIhadaveryunfetteredchild
hood.ItsurprisesmetodaythatIdidn'tbecomealazy,spoiledwoman.
Inevergotaspankinginmywholelife,neitherfrommyparentsnorfromanyofmybrothersandsisters.Notaslapeither,nothing
physical.Wedidn'tdothatkindofthing.Tomeortotheothers.Mymotherdid,however,haveawayofpunishingmethatwasjustas
efficient as a smack on the cheek. One day, when I must have been four or five, I was with my parents at the shopping center in
Repentigny,whichwasnearus.Iwantedtogotothetoystore.I'dbeenafewtimeswithmymotherorwithoneofmysisters.Several
BarbiedollsthatIownedcamefromthatstore.
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Butonthatday,myparentswereinahurry,especiallymyfather.Therewasnowayweweregoingintothetreasurechest.WhenI
sawthattherewasnothingtohopeforasfarasmyfatherwasconcerned,Ibeganbeggingmymother.Butshesaidnotoo.
"Listen,Celine,moneydoesn'tgrowontrees.Andyou'vealreadygotenoughtoysatthehouse."
SoIthrewarealtantrum.Icriedmyheartout,stampedmyfeet,andyelled.Youcouldhearmefromoneendofthemalltothe
other.IwassoangryInolongersawanythingaroundme.SuddenlyIrealizedIwascompletelyalone.Iturnedaroundandsawmy
parentsheadingfortheexit.They'dsimplyleftmethere.
Ihadthescareofmylife!Inthirtyseconds,I'dcaughtupwiththem.AndIhungontomymother.
That'sthekindoflessonshegavemewhenIactedlikeaspoiledchild.Shepunishedmewithcoldnessorindifference.Neverby
hittingme,orholleringatmeorshoutingatme.Herauthoritywasenoughtosetthingsstraight.
IalsocriedmyheartoutthedayIenterednurseryschool.Iliketohearmymotherrecountthatsceneofhorror.Ihadto
leavethecozy,comfortablefamilynestandliveeverydayforhoursfarawayfrommymother.
Itwasthesame,onlymoredramatic,thefollowingyear,whenIleftforgradeschool.Thistime,however,mymemory
hasretainedafewprecisesnapshots.
IremembermymotherwentwithmeonfootandIheldherhandverytight.Oncewewereintheschoolyard,shehadto
pryopenmyfingerstoseparateherselffromme.Shetookseveralstepsbackandthenleftmeallalone.Shepositioned
herselfbehindthefenceandwatchedme.Never,Ithink,hasmyheartbeensoheavy.BecauseIknewthatIcouldn'tgo
backandremainababy.Mymotherhadtoldmethiswascoming.AndIwas,andcontinuetobe,averyobedientgirl.Ido
whatmustbedone.Ido,havealwaysdone,andwillalwaysdowhatI'maskedto.Aslongasthosewhoareaskingare
peopleIloveandinwhomIhaveconfidence.
Iknoweverychildhashadtogothroughthefirstdayofschool.Atfiveorsixyearsold,allofushavebeentornfrom
ourfamiliesandfoundourselvesallaloneonanasphaltplaygroundfullofstrangers.Forme,itwasn'tfearofahostileor
strangeworld,butratherafeelingofboredom.Aprofoundsenseofboredom,animmensesadness.
Ihadalwayslivedsurroundedbyadultsandchildrenalotolderthanme.IlearnedeverythingIneededtoknowfrom
them.AsfarasIwasconcerned,reallifeexistedaroundthem.Notinthemiddleofaschoolyardfullofterrifiedchildren
whoknewnothingaboutnothing.Fromthatdayon,Idetestedschool.Forever.
I'mnotsettingmyselfupasanexampleIsimplybelieveIwasn'tmadeforthis.
[35]
Mywholelifehadbeenturnedupsidedown.MamanhadfoundworkinadepartmentstorecalledAmericanSalvagein
eastMontreal,whereshesoldboots,raincoats,etc.IwouldeatdinneratmysisterLouise's,wholivedneartheschooland
atwhoseplaceIhadtostayandsleeponThursdaysandFridayswhenMamanworkedevenings.
AtLouise'severythingwasmodern,ordered,polished,andcomfortable.What'smore,Louiseissweetnessitself.Butin
theevening,aloneinmybed,Ithoughtaboutthehouse.IwantedtowaitupinthekitchenwithManonandPauline.When
Mamancamehomefromwork,wecouldmaketoastandhotchocolate.AndevenifI'dbeensenttobed,therewouldhave
beenthosefamiliarnoises,thosevoices,thosesmells,allofthatworldthatIsoloved.AtLouise's,likeatschool,Ifeltthat
I'dbeenexiled.
Ididn'thidemysufferingfrommymother,whowassooneatenupbyguilt(wasthisexactlywhatIwanted?).SothatI
couldtravelbetweenschoolandthehouse,sheboughtmeagreenbicycle.Fromthenon,IwenttoeatdinneratLouise's
butsleptatourhouse.
OnenightIhadadream.Iwascominghomeafterschool.Ididn'thavemybicycle.Iwasrunning.Veryfast.Allofa
suddenIfeltincrediblylight.Andeverythingstartedhappeninginslowmotion,mystridesgotlargerandlarger,asifI
wererunningonarubberizedsurface.AndIwasextraordinarilyhappy.
I have never forgotten this dream. Even today when I think about it, I can still recapture a little of the extraordinary
sensationitgaveme.
WhenIthinkofthattime,Icaneasilyseethatinsomeway,Ialwaysfounditdifficulttoconnectwithchildrenofmy
age.Idon'tthinktheirworldinterestedme.Today,I'mfascinatedbyit.Butatthetime,althoughImyselfwasachild,I
didn'tunder
standanythingaboutit.Ididn'tfeelcapableoffindingawaytoconnectwithtinychildrenandbecomepartoftheirgames
(orIthoughtitwasuselesstotry).Ipreferredtobealone.EvenwhenIplayed.
Near the shed next to the house, my brothers had put up a punching bag like those used by boxers in training. I spent
hourshittingit,sometimeswithoneofmysistersassparringpartnerorwithmynieceCathy,thedaughterofmysister
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Claudette.ButmostofthetimeIwasalone.SometimesIpunchedthebaguntilmyfistsandwristswereswollen.Ijust
keptpunching,withoutbeingabletostop.WhenIcameintoeat,myhandswerebleeding.Mymotherwrappedgauze
aroundmywrists,justliketheydoforboxers.AndI'dgobacktomypunchingbag,findmyrhythmandstrokeonceagain,
forgettingabouteverything.
Ialsoplayedwithdolls.Especiallyduringsummer,andusuallyoutdoors.I'dsetmyselfupatthefootofthestaircase
leadingtothebackyard.I'dwashmyBarbies,changethem,oneafteranother,andputthemintoposes,talktothem,and
scold them.Then I'd put them to bed the proper way in an old wooden chest my uncleValmont, Maman's brother, had
madeforme.
Iwasmymother'sandmysisters'doll.Theydidmyhairupinbunsandbraids,theyputpolishonmynails,andmade
upmyface,evenwhenIwasonlysevenoreightyearsold.Claudette,Liette,andLindaoftentookmewiththemtostores
andhadfunhavingmetryondresses,coats,shoes,andhats.
Wefellinthickveryquickly.Ibecamepartoftheirgames,theirconversations,andespeciallyapartoftheirmusicand
songs.
That was the game that I got the most pleasure from. The one I still play today: singing, putting on a costume and
makeup,wearingadisguise,playingcomedy,"doing"showbusinesslikemyparents,brothers,andsistersdid.
[37]
Mfatherandmotherhadformedamusicalgroup,A.DionandHisEnsemble,whichgaveshowsinLanaudiereandeast
Montreal.Mamanhadboughtanewviolin.Jacquesplayedtheguitar.Clementwasondrums,andDanielwasplayingthe
accordianpianoDenisesangfolksongsandcurrenthits.TheyevendidsomeTVshows.Iwasalmostalwayswiththem,
inthestudios,clubs,andbars,evenwhenIwasonlysixorsevenyearsold.
Later,withafriendofthefamilynamedMichelDesjardins,Ghislaine,Jacques,Michel,andDanielformedarealrock
and rhythm and blues band. On weekend nights, they played in a club in Charlemagne: the Bordde1'Eau.They were
called"LesDecides"(theDeterminedOnes)andtheyhadTshircsmadewithtwoD'sseparatedbythenote"si"("ti"in
English).Iwastheirnumberonefan.WhentheywentontourinQuebec(toTroisRivieres,Berthier,Joliette...),Iwas
inmourning.Whentheywerenearus,Inevermissedashow.
Ihavesomeveryclearmemoriesofthoseevenings,thesoundoftheHammondorgan,theLesPaulGibsonguitarthey
were so proud of. I even think that today I could recognize the smell of theBordde1'Eau with my eyes closed. It's a
mixture of cigarette smoke and potpourri, very fruity, very sugary.And it was damp and warm. Ghislaine, who called
herself"Penelope"then,hadtakenupClement'sdrums.Shesangsowell,withsomuchheart,thateveryoneintheclub
grewquietwhenshelaunchedinto"MeandBobbyMcGee"byJanisJoplinorBarbraStreisand's"TheWayWeWere."
Myparentscametotheseshowsoften.Andtheybroughtmetoo,ofcourse.WhenI'dhadenough,Iwenttosleepona
bench.Ioftenwenttobedverylate.IatewhenIwashungry,Isleptwhen
therewerenomorepeopleplayingmusic.Imissedschoolregularly,orifIdidgo,IwassotiredthatInoddedoutduring
class.
Iwasneveragoodstudent.InschoolIreallydidn'tlookforfriends,trytogetahead,ortoattractanyone.NordidI
evenletitbeknownthatIsometimessangwithaband.Intheplayground,Ididn'ttalkverymuch.Istayedapart.Imust
have seemed like a lunatic to some of the girls in my class, a lonely person paralyzed by shyness, or a complete snob.
Everythingthatinterestedmewassomewhereelse,athomeoratthecabaret.Oritwasatthelittleclubontheriverbank
thatmyfatherandsisterClaudettehadbought.ItwascalledtheVieuxBaril(OldBarrel),andmyfamilyplayedmusicand
sangthere.
The evenings when I didn't go with them, I'd hear them coming home: they went into the kitchen, made toast and
coffee.Iwasabove,inmybed,andIlistenedtothemtellMamanabouttheirevening.Theyweregiggling,happy,leading
themostexcitinglifeyoucouldimagine.IwantedtogrowupassoonaspossiblesoIcouldgowiththem.
TheVieuxBarilwastheplacewhereIsawrealshowsforthefirsttime.ItwasalsotheplacewhereIfirstexperienced
beinginacrowdandhadmyfirstsuccessesoutsideofthefamilycircle.Aftertheapplause,they'dfindme,atfourinthe
morning,sleepingonabench.Mamanhadwarnedme:"Youcanstayupaslongasyouwant,ifyougetupinthemorning
forschool."
Sointhemorning,Igotupdespitemyfatigueandwenttoschooltosleep.
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I could hardly open my eyes and follow what was going on in class, so I dreamed. Like my brother Michel and my
sistersClaudetteandGhislaine,IdreamedthatI'dbeonabigstageoneday,thedoorstorecordingstudioswouldflyopen
forme,andI'dbeasingingstar.
The D si D (Decides) fell apart, so Michel formed other groups.The Eclipse, which didn't last long, then the Show,
whichhadacer
[39]
tianfollowinginthecabaretsandclubs.Thenherecordedtwo45s,andoneofhissongsrosequitehighinthecharts.
Oneautumnevening,myparentstookthetwinsandroetooneofthegroup'sshows.TheShowwaspreparingforabig
tourofQuebec.Thefashionatthetimewasforfrockcoatsandlong,tailoreddoublebreastedjackets.Mamanhadmadea
whitesatinonewithcoattailsandlapelsforMichel.Isatadmiringmybigbrother,theleadsingerofthegroup,talking
onstageunderthespotlights.Michelhasastrong,steadyvoice,andhemoveswell.Iwantedtostayrighttotheendofthe
lastset.Aslongastherewasaction,somethingtoseeandhear,Irefusedtogohome.
Iknewanincrediblenumberofsongsbyheart.AttheVieuxBaril,thecustomersaskedmetosingsomesongsand
gave me pennies. My parents were astonished to discover that I was no longer afraid of strangers, that I could face an
audiencewithoutaproblem.Ibecameaccustomedtocrowds,toapplause,tolaughterandbravos.Icouldn'tdowithout
themanylonger.
Atschool,Iremainedastranger,anexile.Assoonaslessonsstarted,ifIdidn'tsinkintoahalfsleep,Ileftforthemoon
and started making little movies in my head. The decor was usually the same: inside the Vieux Baril. The action was
simple:IwassinginginabigrockbanddirectedbyDanielorMichel.Andthepeopleatthetablesstoppedtalkingand
listenedtome.Justliketheydidformyidols,GhislaineandMichel.
Sometimes,aswell,IwenttoAfricaasamissionary,intothedarkestpartofthejungle.Isavedchildrenfrommisfortune,
hunger,fear.Iwasunstoppable.Ialwayssucceeded.Orinstead,Iwasagymnast,likeNadiaComaneci,who'dbecomemy
absoluteidol,themost.beautifulgirlI'deverseen,duringtheOlympicGamesinMontrealin1976.Iwaseightyearsold.
I'dplasteredthewallsofmyroom
[40]
withherphotos.Ilovedherintenselookandherveryseriousmanner.Ithoughttherewasnothingmorebeautifulonearth.Mostofall,
I admired her rigor and precision, the concentration she put into all her movements. For me she represented perfectionandshestill
does.ShewasalsothefirstOlympicgymnasttoachievethehighestpossiblescore.Havingthewilltoreachthetopbytraininganddis
ciplinewasanideaIcouldtotallyunderstand.IthoughtIwasalsocapableofaccomplishingwhatIwantedtodo.
FormeNadiaComaneciwasamodelandaninspiration.Imetherin1996attheOlympicGames.Iwasalreadyafamoussinger,
butevenso,IwassomovedIwastremblingandalmostcried.
Idon'tknowifit'sbecauseofmymother,butIwasnevertreatedliketheveryyoungestinthefamily,theonethattheoldestcanbarely
tolerate.Theonetheyhidecertainthingsfrom,towhomtheysay,"You'retooyoungforthis,gotobed,"or,"You'llunderstandwhen
you'reolder."
Idon'trememberbeingexcludedfromadultconversations,nomatterwhatthesubject,whetherIwasfour,five,ortenyearsold.I
hadn'tevenbeentoschoolbeforeIlearnedaboutalloflife'smysteries,thebirdsandthebeesatleastintheory.Attwelve,Ilackedthe
typicalcuriosityofagirlofthatageaboutmattersoflove,andIfeltnoneedorurgencytodiscoverthem.Iknewthemalready.Perhaps
thatexplainswhyIwaitedsolong,untiltheageoftwentylongerthantheaveragetoputmytheoreticalknowledgeintopractice.
The only thing they tried to hide from me was misfortune. I was nine years old when I learned that my niece Karine had cystic
fibrosis. But in a big family, it's really difficult to hide anything from a child.All around me were faces on which I could read the
sadness,thelongsilences,insteadofmusic,intheeveningaftersupper.Mymother'seyeswerefilledwithtears.Shewastalkingonthe
phonewithmy
[41]
bothersandsisterswhonolongerlivedwithusshewastellingtheminalowvoicethatsomethingterriblehadjusthappened.That's
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howIlearnedthroughmymother'sandfather'stears,throughtheirsilenceandwhisperingthatKarine,therosy,freshfacedbabyofmy
sisterLiette,hadbeendiagnosedwithaveryseriousillness.She'dbeentakenbyambulancetoSainteJustine,thehospitalforchildren,
whereI'dgonewhenIwashitbyacar.ThedoctorshadsaidtohaveKarinebaptizedassoonaspossiblebecauseshemightnotlive
morethanafewweeks.Andifshedidsurvive,she'dnevergrow,andshe'dhavetotakemedicineseverydayofherlife.Sheprobably
wouldn'tgotoschool,she'dsufferalot,andshe'dneedconstantcare.
Itwasthefirstrealmisfortunetostrikeourfamily.TheoldestchildrenremembertheviolentdeathofourgrandfatherDion.Andwe
hadjustlostGrandmaDion.Everyonecriedalot,ofcourse.Butitwasapartoflife.Grandmawenteasily,attheendofalonglife.
Towardtheend,Idon'tthinkshereallywantedtolive.Deathhadbecomeakindofdeliverance,asmuchforherasforus.
Butwhendeathmakesitselfknownatthebeginningofalife,toaverylittlebaby,youcan'treallytalkaboutdeliverance.It'smore
likeacruelandunjustcondemnation.
Karinedidn'tdieinseveralweeks,assomeofthedoctorshadpredicted.Foryears,mysisterLiettesurroundedherwithconstant
care,everyday.Two,three,fivetimesaday,shehadtogivehermassagestoemptyherlungsofthemucusthathadaccumulatedand
wasblockingherbreathing.Shehadhertakehermedicines,hadherfollowaverystrictdiet.Allthatwithoutanyrealhope.Ithink
thatwastheworstpart:toknowthat,fromthebeginning,itwasalosingbattle.
Within a few days, everyone in the family had become experts on cystic fibrosis.We who had hated studying now spent whole
eveningsabsorbedintheinformationthedoctorshadsenttoLiette.
OrwithournosesdeepinanoldFrenchdictionary,lookingupunusualorscientificwordsthatyoufindattheverybottom
ofthepageinsuchdocuments,orelsetryingtolearnthefunctionsandlocationsoforgansandglandsthatwereaffected
by or responsible for the illnessthe lungs, the pancreas, the liver, the whole digestive system. I remember all the
anatomicaldiagramswelookedatinthatdictionaryinanattempttounderstand.
Youneedtohaveaseriouscaseofbadlucktodevelopthatdisease.Thisistrueofalldiseases,ofcourse,butinthecase
ofcysticfibrosis,theoddsagainstgettingitmakeitstillmoreterrible:it'stransmittedtothechildonlyifbothparents
carrythegene.
Mymothergotinformationabouteveryonethatsheknewinherfamily,inmyfather'sfamily,andinLiette'shusband's
family.ShediscoveredthattwoofthesevenchildrenofoneofhercousinslivingintheUnitedStates,whomshehadn't
seenformorethantwentyyears,hadthedisease.
During the course of my family's study of cystic fibrosis, we learned that a lot of researchers are interested in that
disease.Butresearchisprogressingslowlyandcostsagreatdeal.Attheverybeginningofmycareer,Ihelpedraisefunds
for the Quebec Cystic FibrosisAssociation. I know there's hope. I know that important progress has been made. The
expectedlifespanofchildrenwiththisdiseasehasmorethandoubled.Butthereisstillalottodo.
MymotherandIwerealoneinthehousemoreandmoreoften.Iwastenoreleven.Thetwinswerealreadygoingoutwithgroupsof
friendstoskateorseeshowsorfilms.Asidefrommymother,Ididn'thaveanyfriendsandIthoughtthatIdidn'twantany.
Nevertheless,Karinewasgoingtooccupyanimportantplacein
[43]
mylife.ShewasthefirstchildwithwhomIreallyenjoyedcommunicating.Shewasn'taltogetherliketheotherchildren.Evenwhen
shewasababy,becauseofwhatweknew,becauseshehadthisillness,shealwaysmademethinkofweighty,deeplymovingthingsof
death,actually.
She'dbecomeaveryseriouslittlegirl,withthelookandthethoughtsofanadult,burdenedinawaythatotherchildrenweren't.At
fiveyearsold,shealreadyknewhowunjustlifecanbe.
Ineversawherrun,swim,rollerskate,orclimbtreeslikealltheotherchildren.Shecouldn'tevenpetacatorwalkinafieldorina
blossomingorchardoralongtheriverbank,becauseshebegantosuffocateassoonasshewasexposedtotheleastbitofdustorpollen,
totheweakestbreeze.Shehadagoodappetite,butbecauseherbodycouldn'tabsorbnutritiveelementsfromfood,sheremainedthin,
pale,anemic.
Idon'trememberwhetherwetalkedaboutherillness.Idon'tthinkKarinetalkedaboutittoanyone.ExcepttoLiette,Iwouldthink,
whoshowedherthepatienceofanangelandanincrediblesweetness.Karinemusthaveknownintuitivelythatallrebellionwasuseless.
Ormaybeshedidn'treallyhavethestrengthtorebel,tocryouttheragethatshemusthavehadinsideher.ThekindIthinkIwouldhave
hadifIhadbeeninherplace.ButIknowthatshehadherperiodsofdespair.Andduringthesetimes,shedidn'tspeakfordays.
Whenshecametoourplace,shespoketomethemost,probablybecauseoftheclosenessofourages.We'dbothgouptothegirls'
room.We'dlistentomusicforhours.She'dwatchmesingbeforethebigmirrorthatGhislainenolongerusedbecauseshe,also,had
movedoutofthehouse.
SoonPapa,Maman,andIweretheonlyonesleft.Afterbeingtheyoungestinafamilyoffourteenchildren,I'dfinallybecomean
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onlychild.
Mamanwasstillworkingoutsidethehouse.Butnowshehadabigplantoturnmeintoasingingstar.She'dneverbeen
veryinterestedinmyhomeworkandschoollessons.Butshe'dfollowedmysingingprogressclosely.Shegavemeadvice,
shesuggestedItrynewsongs.Orshesaidtome:"Don'timitatethatsinger,shehasabeautifulvoicebutshedoesn'tmake
gooduseofit."
OurabsolutemodelwasGinetteReno,whowasthenthebiggeststarinQuebec.IknewallthesongsinheralbumJene
suisqu'unechanson(I'mOnlyaSong)byheart.Iknewnotonlythewords,buteverynote,allherintonations,andIspent
hourstryingtoreproducethemasfaithfullyaspossible.
I would watch myself in the mirror, and as Ghislaine had taught me, I would imagine that behind me, behind my
reflection, was an entire audience, full of people watching me.As soon as my song was finished, I lowered my mike,
sweptthecordbehindme,andletthemapplaud,sometimesgivingmeastandingovation,astheydidforGinetteRenoat
thePlacedesArts.
One evening, after the dishes were done, with the two of us sitting at the kitchen table, Maman told me about her
project.Andherprojectwas:me.
BthetimeIwastwelveyearsold,Mamanalreadyhadbigplansforme.Shewantedtomakemeintothekindofsinger
who could pack the Place desArts in Montreal for three weeks in a row and who could tour Quebec and Canada for
severalmonthsatatime.ShewantedmetobelikeGinetteReno,whohadbecomeoneofCanada'smostpopularsingers.
"AndwhynotevenallthewaytoFrancesomeday,"Mamantoldme.
Forme,thiswasadream,butmymotherhadgonefurtherthandreaming.She'dthoughtitthroughcarefully,andshe
hadaplanofaction.
"Ifyouwanttogetahead,you'llneedanagent,"shetoldme."YourbrotherMichelknowssome.It'sjustamatterof
choosing a good oneImean,beingchosenbyagoodone.Butfirstyouneedyourownsongs.Agoodagentwon'tsee
muchofanythinginagirlwhojustimitatesothers."
Idon'tknowhowsuchanideacametoher,buttodayIrealizethe
extenttowhichmymotherhasanartist'smind.Eveninthoseearlydays,herintuitionandherinstinctswereverysharp.Shehadadeep
understandingandaninnatesenseofshowbusiness.
Sheknewthatyoucan'treallyjudgethevalueofasingerwhensheisinterpretingasongthatpeoplealreadyknow.That'swhyshe
knewthatIneededtoproduceseveralofmyownsongs,sothatthegoodagentwouldfindorrather,theonewho'ddiscovermewould
realizethatIknewsomethingaboutmusic,aboutthestructureofasong,andbeabletoseethatIreallycouldsing.
Whatmymothersaidthatevening,atthekitchentableinourhouseinCharlemagne,seemedcompletelyobvioustome,evenifI'd
neverthoughtofitinsuchaclearway.Andshewasalsotellingmethatitwastimeformetotakeabigleapforwardtowardsingingfor
real,inmyownvoice.
MybrothersJacquesandDanielputtogethersometapeswiththelatesthitsformetosingalongwith.Atfirst,I'dinevitablyfallback
intothestyleofthegirlwho'dsungthesongfirst.IsanglikeGinetteReno,BarbraStreisand,orArethaFranklin.Butovertime,Ibegan
tofindmyownintonations,myownstuff,myownvoice.
Mamansignedmeupforsomeamateurcontests,forallthefestivalsheldinplaygroundsinthearea,foreveryneighborhoodparty.
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Thatsummer,IwasobsessedwithOliviaNewtonJohn.MybrotherMichaelandmysisterLinda,whomweusedtocallDada,took
metoseeherattheForuminMontreal.Istartedgoingthroughhersongsusingtheinstrumentalarrangements.Ididn'tspeakEnglish
yet,soIdidn'tunderstandasinglewordofwhatIwassinging.Butevenso,IputeverybitofemotionIhadintoit,oftenwillynilly.I
wasdeterminedtoputmyownimprintontothesesongs.Attimes,Iwoulduseraginganguishforwordsthatshouldhavebeensung
tenderly,orusehoneyedwhisperswhere
[47]
thereshouldhavebeenacryofrage.Iwasn'tinterpretingthesongs,justshowingwhatmyvoicecoulddo.Iwasdoingwhatmyinterim
agentmymotherhadrecommended.
OneSundayafternoon,Isang"Let'sGetPhysical"atapartyonagolfcourse.MichaelhadbroughthisfriendPaulLevesque,who
handledthecareersofseveralbigrockgroupsinQuebec.
TheyranintomeandMamanunderthebigmaplesthatborderedthegolfcourse.PaulLevesquesaidI'dreallyimpressedhim.Iwas
sogladthatsomeoneotherthanmyfamilymembershadheardme,andhadseenwhatIwascapableofdoing.
PaulalsosaidIneededmyownoriginalsongsinordertogetarecordcompanyinterestedinme.Heknewaswellthattheproducers
wouldn'tcometoseemesingonagolfcourse.I'dhavetopreparesomedemos,andPaulsaidhewouldgetthemheard.Buthedidn't
knowanylyricists,excepttheoneswhowroteinEnglishforhisrockgroups.Norcouldhefindanymusicianstocomposemelodiesthat
wererightforme.
What'smore,atthetenderageoftwelve,Icouldn'tjustjumprightintoheavymetalandstartscreaminglikethebig,tattooedrockers
thathewassendingallovertheworld.AndIcouldn'tsingthetorchsongsthatanadultwoulddoeither.Ineededballadsthatwould
soundrightcomingfromthemouthofateenager.
Asamatteroffact,Paulwasn'tsureexactlywhattodowithme,wheretherewasanicheformeinshowbusiness.
Thenonedaymymothertoldme:"Littleone,I'llwriteyousomesongs."
Shehadalreadywrittensomelyricsinoneofmyschoolnotebooks.Soshehadmelistentoamelodyshe'dsketchedout.ThatnightI
wenttobedwiththerefrainofthesonginmyhead.Iwasreallyexcited,because,forthefirsttimeinmylife,Iwascompletelyfree.Not
onlycouldIchoosewhichkeytosingthissongin,butIcould
decidewhichnotestoemphasize,whichsyllablestolengthenortrill...Itwouldbemyfirstrealsong.
Thoughjustadream,sobeautiful,
MorerealthanIcansay.
The refrain was perfect. But Maman couldn't seem to find the link between the refrain and the verses. She phoned my brother
Jacques,whowasworkingnightsinanearbybar.LikeDaniel,Jacqueshasanincrediblememoryandearformusic.Hecanremember
theindividualpartsofalltheinstrumentsafterhearingarecordingtwoorthreetimes.Mamansanghimherrefrainandherversesover
thetelephone.
The next day, he came over around suppertime with a melody for the verses and some arrangements for the refrain. But we still
didn'thavethelinkbetweentherefrainandtheverses.It'scalleda"bridge"amusicaltransitionthattakesyoubackandforthbetween
therefrainandtheverses.It'soneofthosetechnicalrequirementsthatcanbecomethebaneofanymusician.
JacquesandMamanthoughttheycouldcomeupwithoneeasilybywingingitorencriantlapin,aswecallit.Theytriedallsorts
ofthingsforanhour,butnothingworked.Acoupleoftimestheythoughttheyhadit.ButIthoughttheydidn't,andIshowedthemthat
itwouldn'tworkbyhummingtheir"bigfind."
"She'sright,Maman,itdoesn'twork!"Jacquessaid.
Thesecondtimethishappened,mymotheradded:"Ifyou'resosmart,CelineDion,thenfindussomethingbetter!"
Actually,IthoughtIreallyhadsomething,butIwasn'tquitesure.Jacqueswasabouttoleave.Iwouldhavehadtosingitoutloudor
havehimplaythemelodyonthepiano.
"Letmetrysomething..."Isaid,andhummedsomenotes.
"That'sit,littleone,you'vegotyourbridge!"Jacquesshouted.
[49]
Weweresoexcitedthatwewentthroughthesong,thewords,themusicoverandover,halfadozentimes.Jacquesleftlatebuthappy.
Afewdayslater,mybrothersandIputtogethersomedemosof"Cen'etaitqu'unreve"(ItWasOnlyaDream)andanothersongthat
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Mamanhadwrittencalled"Grandmaman"(Grandmother).
Overthedaysthatfollowed,everytimeoneofmysistersorbrothersstoppedbythehouse,mymotherhadthemplaymysong.
ToamagicgardenIaidstray,
Andwokeuponeenchantedday
Tohearaharpandviolinsplay.
Thoughjustadream,sobeautiful,
MorerealthanIcansay.
Naturally,myfamilythoughtPaulLevesqueshouldbemyagent.Atthetime,hewasrepresentingMahoganyRush,arockgroup
whoseguitarist,FrankMarino,wasavirtuoso.AlotofpeoplewerecomparinghimtoJimiHendrix.Paulwasmuchmoreoriented
towardthistypeofmachoAmericanhardrockthantowardthesentimentalballadsofateenager.What'smore,in Quebectherewas
alreadyagirlmyage,NathalieSimard,whowassinginginMontreal.Sheevenhadatelevisionshow!Paulreallycouldn'tseehowhe
coulddifferentiatemefromher.Buthelikedmyvoice,hethoughtthatIknewhowtosoundmoving,andhesawthatIcouldputout
anenergythatcouldn'tbebeat.
Afterafamilyconference,myparentssignedwithhim.Itwasjustbeforetheholidaysin1980.Paulwaslessthanthirty,buthewas
aresponsibleandmeticulousman,whowasverylawabidingandrespectfulofconventionalvalues.Heimmediatelybegantryingto
find a good recordcompanyandacompetentproducer. But from the beginning, Paul was kind of culturally incompatible with our
family,
whichcomplicatedthings.Hewasastonished,nottosayhorrified,byourverybohemian,artisticlifestyle.
Forexample,hewasshockedthatIoftenmissedschoolwithoutanyoneathomebeingbotheredbyit.Heknewthelawdidnotper
mitatwelveyearoldsingertocompromiseherstudiesforhercareer.Personally,Iwasn'tinterestedinschool.Iwasonlyhopingtobe
freetosingandtoforgetaboutmath,geography,history,andalltherest.ButPaulwasworriedthattheschoolwouldreportmyrepeated
absencesandthathisagent'scontractwouldberevoked.Onedayheevenhadaformalnoticesenttomyparentsrequiringthemtosend
metoschoolregularly.
Nevertheless,inthestudioheproduceddemosofthreesongs:"Chantelatachanson"(SingYourSong)aremakeoftheJeanLapointe
song"Ce n'etait qu'un reve," and "Grandmaman." He sent these off to a number of record companies, with no response. He really
wasn'tsurewhatcategorytoputmeinorwhatIshouldbesinging.
Idon'tknowwhichofusPaul,Maman,orMichelhadtheideaofsendingourdemotoReneAngelil.ButIdoknowweallthoughtit
wasagoodidea.Angelilwas,atthetime,themostimportantrecordproducerinQuebec.HewasGinetteReno'sagent,andshewasmy
idol.HehadproducedheralbumJenesuisqu'unechanson,withaboutthreehundredthousandcopiessold,thebiggestsellingrecord
everinCanada.Iknewallthesongsonitbyheart.
Paulwasgiventhetaskofgettingourlittlepackagetohim,thedemocontainingallourhopesthatmymotherhadwrappedinbrown
paperwitharedribbonandalittlebow,likeapresent.
"Nowjustkeepyourfingerscrossed,"Mamantoldme."Andkeepsinging."
Afterabouttwoweeks,therewasstillnonews.OutoffearofmissingReneAngelil'scall,mymothermadesurethatsomeonewas
[54]
inthehouseatalltimes.Whenshegothomefromwork,shetookoverforJacquesorGhislaineorDaniel.Iwasreallydisappointedthat
wehadn'theardanything,butshewasfurious.
"Hecouldatleastanswer,"shesaid."Hecouldatleastbepolite.Ifhedoesn'tlikeoursongs,heshouldtelluswhy.Andifheistoo
heartlesstotellus,heshouldreturnthedemotape."
"Theguyprobablyhasotherfishtofry,"Ghislainesaid."He'sGinetteReno'sagent.Heprobablydoesn'thavethetimetolistento
everydemotapehegets.Maybehedoesn'tlistentoanyofthem."
"I'devenbesurprisedifhewaslookingfornewsingerstorepresent,"Claudetteadded.
Whattheysaidmadesense.ReneAngelilwasalreadythemostimportantagentinQuebec.Thegossipcolumnssaidhisstar,Ginette
Reno,wasabouttohitFrance.ShewasalreadysinginginLasVegasandonAmericantelevision.WhywouldAngelilwanttoburden
himselfwithasecondsingerandgetinvolvedinaprojectinwhicheverythingstillremainedtobedone?
"Allhe'dhavetodoishearyouonetime,andhewouldn'tthinktwiceabouttakingyouon,"saidMichel,who'dmetAngelilafew
times.Michelisveryheadstrong.Oncehegetsanideainhishead,there'snochanginghismind.HecalledReneAngelil'sofficeagain
andagain,untilfinallyhegothimonthephone.Iwasstandingbehindhimandheardhimsay:"Iknowyouhaven'tlistenedtothedemo
mysistersentyou.'Causeifyouhad,youwouldhavealreadycalledus."
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Angeliltoldmybrotherthathereallyhadn'thadthetimetolistentomydemo,buthewoulddosointhenextfewdays.
"Howold'syoursister?"heasked.
Micheldidn'tspeakforamoment.
"Twelve..."
HeknewthiswasnoassetbecauseQuebecalreadyhadNathalieSimard.
"Youknow,don'tyou,thatthatnicheinthemarketistaken,"Angelilsaid.
"Thatdoesn'tmakeanydifference,"answeredMichael."Mysisteristwelve,butthisisnolittlegirl.She'sarealsinger.
Listentoherandyou'llsee.What'llittake,tenminutes?Anditcouldchangeyourlife,I'mtellingyou,itreallycould."
Finally,Michaelhungup,turnedtome,andsaid,"He'llcallback,Iknowhewill."
Tenminuteslater,thetelephonerang.Michaelpickeditup."Well,didn'tItellyou!"hesaid.Thenhelaughed,and,after
apause,replied,"Ofcourseshecan.Whereverandwheneveryouwant."
Hescrawledanaddressonthewallnexttothetelephone,thenhungupandturnedtowardme.
"ReneAngelilwantstoseeyouthisafternoon,attwoo'clock."
Wedidn'tknowityet,butthattelephonecallwasgoingtochangeourlives.Notonlymine,butthewholefamily's.And
ReneAngelil's
Whenmymotherhadrevealedthecareershehadmappedoutforme,Iknewthateverythingwaslogical,possible,sure
andcertain.I'dneverdoubtedthatthingswouldhappenlikethis,thatthingswouldbegood,betterthangood.IwassureI
had everything I needed to succeed.That I even had luck.And I was completely aware of what I wanted to do in life.
Withoutashadowofadoubt.
Iwasbornintoaveryspecialenvironment,surroundedbyadultswhoreallytookcareofme.Peoplewho,aboveall,
gave me a goal in life.As far as I'm concerned, aside from health, that's the most precious thing you can have in this
world.
Ideally,schoolshouldgiveyoungpeoplelifegoalsandwaystoattainthem.ButIgotthesethingsathome:agoal,the
wish,andthe
[53]
meanstoreachit.Forthisreason,Icarriedafullyformeddreaminsideme.AndIwasreadytosacrificeanythingorgoto
anyextremetoachieveit.ItwasadreamthatIhadn'tcreatedI'dinheriteditatbirth.Ithadbeenconceivedandcarriedby
mymotherandfather,bymythirteenbrothersandsisters.Ihaditinmybloodatbirth.Likethemusicthatstaysinmy
head.Ialsohadavoiceandanear,which,Imustadmit,isn'tgiventoeverybody.Forallofthat,IthankGodeverydayof
mylife.
MysistersClaudetteandGhislaine,mybrotherMichel,weresingingonstage,makingrecords,evendoingalittleTV.I
wouldgotoseethemsing,andtheyweremyidols.Truly.Andtohaveknownsointimatelythepeoplewhoweremyidols
wouldhaveaprofoundeffectuponmyentirelife.
Mostpeoplethinkoftheiridolsasunreachable,untouchablebeings.I,ontheotherhand,sawmostofmyidolsevery
day,upclose.Iatewiththem,sleptinthesameroomwiththem,playedwiththeirdressesandhighheels.Theytookmeto
restaurants and stores I went to hear them sing almost every night. They told me that one day I'd sing with them on
television,atthePlacedesArts,maybeevenattheOlympiainParis.TheyalsotoldmeaboutBroadway,andthebigLas
Vegasshows.Theysaidwe'dmakerecordstogether.
SoIwasn'ttheonewhocreatedthisdream.Itwasmyparents,mysistersandbrothers,whobroughtittome.Andthis
dream,theirdream,buoyedmealong,likesomepowerfulriverthatwouldcarrythestoryofourfamilyfromoneendto
theother,frommyfatherandmother,frommygrandparents,myunclesandaunts,fromtheDionsasmuchasfrommy
mothersfamily,theTanguays,almostallofwhomweresingersorfiddlers,accordionorharmonicaplayers.
Inmymindthereisnobarrierorgapbetweentheworldofshowbusinessandmyself.AndforalongtimeIthoughtthe
wholeworldfeltthesameway.WhenIwatchedGinetteRenoonTVorArethaFranklinorOliviaNewtonJohnorwent
toseemybrotherMichel
ormysisterGhislainesingingattheVieuxBaril,Istudiedtheirvocaltechniques,theirbodylanguage.Itoldmyselfthat
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withpractice,I'donedaybeabletoperformaswellastheydid.
In the end, my goal of becoming a great singer seemed reasonable and accessiblemaybe even inevitable. In other
words,Ibelievedinit.Ihadfaith,which,Ithink,isasnecessaryashavingavoice.
IalsoknewIhadtoworkhardandthisdidn'tfrightenme.Mybrothers,sisters,father,mother,everybodyaroundme
hasalwaysworkedhard.So,withunderstandingthatonlybyworkinglikeadogwouldIrealizemydream,Ibegandoing
it with all my strength. I put all my talent, energy, charm, time, determination, will, hope, and most likely, all my
ingenuousnessandnaivete,intothisenterprise,intothisprojectthatmymotherhaddescribedformeoneeveninginour
littlekitchen.Imadeeverysacrifice,lovingit.AndIwasdeeplyhappy.
IstillvividlyrememberthefirsttimeImetReneAngelil,themanwho'dgraduallyoccupysuchanimportantplaceinmy
career,life,andheart.Heworebrownshoesandabrownjacket.Inthecornerofhisoffice,behindthedoor,therewasa
backgammontable,andbythewindow,therewasabigsoundsystem.Butthestory'sbeentoldsomanytimesandbyso
manypeoplethattodayit'shardforRene,mymother,andmewholivedittorememberallofwhatreallyhappened.Each
ofushashisorherownversionofthefactsandavisionoftheplaces.
Iremembertheofficebeingkindofdarkandsomber.Maybeitwasthatkindofdayoutside,becausetherewerelarge
windowswithaviewoftheroofs,butevensoverylittlelightenteredtheoffice.Diagonallyacrossthestreet,youcould
seetheboxlikebuildingthatwasTeleMetropoleheadquarters,wherethetelevisionstudiosare.Fartheron,theimposing
ironstructureoftheJacquesCarrierbridge
[55]
lookedlikeithadjustsprunguponthecity.Theofficesmelledgood,fresh.
Renewasstandingbehindhisdesk.Hetooseemedsomber.Hewasextremelypolite"agentleman,"asmymothersaid.
Buthewasn'tsmiling.Heaskedustositdownbutheremainedstanding,withhisbacktothewindow.Thismadeithard
toseehisface.Irememberthatheseemedtoaddresshiswordstomymothermorethantome.Hesaidhe'dheardmy
demosandthoughtmyvoicewasverybeautiful.Andthen,suddenly,Ifeltterriblyintimidated.
ThemanwhowassayingthisaboutmyvoicewasthesameoneI'dseenseveraltimesonTVorinthepapers.During
the sixties, Rene had been a big singing star with a group called the Baronets, who'd been the French version of the
Beatles.Iwasn'tveryfamiliarwiththeBaronets,whowereancienthistoryforme.ButasanagentforQuebecoisartists,
ReneAngelilwasapartofthepresent.Hiswife,AnneRenee,wasalsowellknownasasingerandatelevisionhost.
Finally,hesatdownandaskedmeifIwantedtosingforhimrightthere,inhisoffice,withoutmusic.Mymothertoo
waslookingatme.Therewasasilencethatlastedforwhatfeltlikeacentury.ThenMamansaid:"She'sreallynotusedto
singinglikethat,withoutamike."
Renehandedmeanenormouspenandsaidinaverygentlevoice:"Let'ssaythat'syourmike,okay?"
Hestillwasn'tsmiling.Tomeheseemedsad,buthisvoicehadasoothingsweetness,verywarm,verycalming.
"Singusyoursong,okay?LikeyouweresingingitatthePlacedesArts."
I'ddonethishundredsoftimesinfrontofmybedroommirror.ButthenIcouldseemyselfsinging,andIhadtapesfor
accompaniment.I'dalsosungdozensoftimesinamateurcontestsandplaygrounds.ButI'dneversungintoemptyspace,
infrontoftwopeople,without
music,infrontofasadlookingguywhomIhardlyknew.IknewIjusthadtodiveintoit,startsinging.Therewasnoother
choice.
Istoodupandputmyselfinfrontoftheofficedoor,togetasmuchspaceinfrontofmeaspossible.Mymotherhadto
turnaroundtoseeme.Ibroughtthepentomylipsandbegansinging.
ToamagicgardenIdidstray,
Andwokeuponeenchantedday.
AllofasuddenIwasfeelingverygoodandconfident.
Apparently(atleastaccordingtomymotherandRene),IsangasifIreallywereatthePlacedesArts,asifIcouldsee
theaudienceintheirchairs,andIwaslookingatthemstraightintheeye,intheorchestra,inthedresscircle,the
balconies.FromtimetotimeIevenlookedathim,atReneAngelil.ThatIrememberwell.BecauseatonemomentIsaw
thathehadtearsinhiseyes.Ithentoldmyselfthatwehadhim.I'dneverseenamancrywhilelisteningtosomeonesing.
Ithinkthatmymothertoowasreallysurprised.
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WhenIfinished,itwasmyturntowaitthroughacenturyofsilence.Renewipedhiseyes.Thenhesaid,asifwehadn't
seenanything,"Youmademecry."
Istilldidn'treallyknowhim,butIfeltthatthatsaideverything.
You'vegottobepretty"cool"andhaveagoodsenseofhumortobearoundourfamilywithoutfeelinghurtorscared.Wereallyliketo
makefunofpeople.Myfathertaughtusthat.Whensomeonenewturnsupatourplacewealwaysputhimthroughakindoftest.Ifhe
comesoutofitunscathed,weadopthimforlife.
Ihadwatchedmybrothersandsistersleavehomeoneaftertheother,butallofthemstilllivedintheneighborhood,andwestill
[57]
playedmusictogethereveningsandweekends.ThefirsttimethatRenesetfootinourhouse,hewastreatedtoawellrehearsedparody
ofhisoldgroup,theBaronets.Thatdoesn'tmeanweweren'tproud,reallyhonoredtobevisitedbythisman,whowasknownallover
Quebec.Wewerecertainthatallourneighborsnoticedhisarrivalatourdoor.HedroveaBuickLeSabre.Butsincewe'reallabitbrazen
atourplace,famousornot,Renehadtoputupwithourtraditionofteasing.Mybrothershadrehearsedoneofhisbighits,imitatingthe
Baronets' voices, gestures, facial expressions. It was called "C'est fou, mais c'est tout," a faithful rendition of the Beatles' "Hold Me
Tight."Luckily,Renereallylaughedalotwhenheheardthis.
Thenourfamilytalkedwithhimforalongtime,abouttheBeatles,theBeachBoys,therockersofthefiftiesandsixties.Andabout
Elvis,ofcourse.ThatfirstmeetingtoldustowhatdegreeReneAngeliladoredtheKing.HeknewallofElvis'ssongsbyheartandsang
wholeversesofthemwithClementandmymother,whowerealsogreatfans.HetoldusaboutgoingtoElvis'sfuneralinMemphis
withJohnnyFarago,whoseagenthehadbeen.Atthetime,FaragohadmadeacareeroutofimitatingElvis.BothheandRenepassed
themselvesoffasjournalistsforRadioCanadaandwereabletofollowthefuneralprocessionallthewaytothecemetery,whichwas
offlimitstothepublicatlarge.
Renetoldallsortsofstories,withalotofdetails.Hecouldgoonforhours,butwelovedlisteningtohim.
He passed our test with flying colors. From now on he was part of the family. My sisters and mother thought he was really
handsome.It'struethathehadmagnificenteyes,andasDeniseorClaudetteormaybeGhislainesaid,hiseyeshada"velvetylook."He
wasalwaysveryelegant.Andhehadamysterious,exoticsidetohim,likeaquietseducer,sureofhimself. :TheDionshadalways
livedinatightknitlittleworld,peopled
exclusivelybyFrenchspeakers,bornandbredinQuebec.ButRenecamefromsomewhereelse,fromanotherworld.Hisparentswere
Lebanese,andhespokeseverallanguages.Inoureyes,hehadanimmenseamountofclass.Forusheseemedakindofprinceinexile.
Inthebeginning,whenhecametothehouse,hetalkedforhoursabouteverythingandnothing,exceptwhatcountedforme.Then,
beforeleaving,alwaysdiscreetly,hewouldgetserious.Thefirsttime,hehadhiscoatonwhenhesaidtomyparents:"Ifyouputyour
faithinme,IcanguaranteethatyourdaughterwillbeanimportantstarinQuebecandFrancewithinfiveyears."
ThateveninghetoldusthathewasnolongerGinetteReno'sagent.Nobodydaredtoaskhimwhathadhappened.Later,wefound
outthatshewantedtostrikeoutonherown.AndthatRenehadbeenreallywoundedandhumiliatedwhenshelefthim.
Onetime,withonefootoutthedoor,hetoldusaboutalyricistthatheknew,amanfromFrance,whocouldwritesongsforme.
"He'sthebest,"hetoldmymother."HewroteforEdithPiaf,YvesMontand,MireilleMathieu,evenforBarbraStreisand.Whenhe
hearsCeline,he'llwriteforheraswell."
Butinorderforhimtohearme,Renethoughtwehadtorerecord"Cen'etaitqu'unreve"and"Grandmaman."Hesaidthistimewe
woulddotheminarealstudio,withrealviolins,newarrangements,andaslightlyslowertempo.
He'daskedthepianistDanielHetu,whomweknewfromtelevision,topreparesomeneworchestrations.Oneevening,Renecame
togetus(myparents,Jacques,Michel,Ithink,andmaybeGhislaine)andtookustotheSaintCharlesstudioinLongueuil.
HeintroducedusonebyonetotheengineersandtoDanielHetu,asifwewerethemostimportantpeopleintheworld.Whenhe
cametome,hetoldthem:"Waitandhearhersing.It'llknockyouout."
Sure,Iwasflattered,butIwishedhehadn'tmadesomuchoutof
[59]
it.Thesewerethebesttechnicians(tohearRene,you'dthinkallofuswerethebestofthebest).They'dworkedwithGinetteRenoanda
lotofothersingerswhohadinfinitelymoreexperiencethanme.
I'dsoonlearnthatRenealwayshadveryhighexpectations,orshouldIsay,expectationsthataretoohigh.It'sprettyterrifyingeven
ifit'smotivatingcreatingforyouthebiggestchallengesyoucanimagine.Tellingeverybody:"ListencarefullyandseewhatIcando.
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Youwon'tstopraving."
AllthisbuildupdefinitelygavemethefeelingthatifIfloppedthatevening,ifI"bombed"withsuchexperiencedpeople,maybe
everythingbetweenuswouldcometoanend.Inthatcase,Iwouldhaveonlygivenhalf,aquarterofmyself.ButluckilyI'mthetypeof
singerwhoforgetseverythingafterthefirstfewnotesanddiscoversanenormousconfidenceinherself.Iletmyvoicegofree.Idon't
havetopushititjustcarriesme.
Actually,I'mnotsureanyonewastrulyknockedoutbymyperformance,butIdidgiveitmyall,singingwithallmystrength,with
restraint when it was necessary, and with confidence and heart. Today, nearly twenty years later, when I listen to that recording, I
rediscoverallthepassion.ThevoicethatIhearsoundsawkwardattimes,butit'sright,anditcertainlyhaspresence.Insideitthere's
somebody,alittlegirlofthirteenwhowantstotopplethewholeworld.
Afterthisrecordingsession,thingsstartedhappeningveryquickly.
OneeveningRenebroughtoverhisFrenchman,MonsieurEddyMarnay.WiththemwasMiaDumont,MonsieurMarnay's"soulmate."
Someofuswereatthehouse,butIdon'trememberputtingtheseparticularpeoplethroughatest.Weweretooimpressedandterribly
intimidated,alittleworriedaswell.
Atthetime,inourworld,everyonebelievedthatalltheFrenchwerecontemptuoussnobswhothoughttheykneweverythingabout
everything,whenreallytheyknewnothingaboutnothing.ButEddywasarefined,politeman,atypewe'dneverencounteredbefore,
alwaysveryconsiderate.EvenifhespokebetterFrenchthananyofusdid,oftenusingwordswhosemeaningwevaguelyknewbut
neverused,andevenifhehadtraveledtheplanetandknewthebiggeststarsofthecentury,heneverlookedatuswithcontemptor
condescension.
Onthecontrary,Eddywasverycuriousaboutus.Heaskedusathousandquestions.Heseemedreallyamazedthatmyparentshad
hadfourteenchildren,thatmyfatherhadbuiltahousewithhisownhands,thatmymotherwrotesongs,thatwesang,andthatallofus
weremusical.Itwasn'tlongbeforeweadoptedhimtoo.Permanently.
Hewasolderthanmyparents,nearlyfivetimesmyage.Buthequicklybecamearealpal,averydearfriend,muchclosertome
thanRenewasatthetime.
IalwaysenjoyedtalkingwithEddy.Heknewhowtoapproachme,winmytrust,moreeasilythanboysandgirlsofmyage.Ilethim
inonallmysecretsandtoldhimallmydreams.AndeverythingIsaidtohimseemedtofascinatehim.
Inordertowritesongsforme,hesaidheneededtoknowmedeeply.Mylifeasateenagerwaseasyenoughtodescribe.Ididn't
haveaboyfriend.AndifsometimesIthoughtaboutlove,IneverconnectedittothefaceofanyoftheboysIknew.Ialsotalkedalot
aboutmymother,whowasmyuniverse.
SometimeshecorrectedmewhenIusedverbtensesincorrectlyormixedupanadverbwithanadjective.Buthedidthiswithout
makingfunofme.Veryquickly,justafewdaysafterourfirstmeeting,hebroughtusasonghe'dwrittenforme,"LaVoixdubon
Dieu"(The
[61]
VoiceoftheGoodLord).AndhehadmestudythelyricsforseveraldaysuntilhewassureIreallyunderstoodthem.
"Neversinglyricsyoudon'towncompletely,"hetoldme.
ItevenbotheredhimwhenItoldhimthat,foryears,likemysisters,I'dsungsongsinEnglishwithoutunderstandingasingleword.
"Youshouldn'tsingsongsthataren'tmadeforyou,thatyouhaven'treallylived."
LikeRene,hetoldmeIhadabeautifulvoice,andthatIsangwithalotofemotion.Butwhenwestartedtoworkseriously,hetold
mequitefranklythatIhadseveralbadhabitsIhadtocorrectbeforegoingtoarecordingstudio.Wewerealoneinthelivingroom.Rene
wasplayingcardswithmyparentsinthekitchen.IthinkallthreeofthemknewwhatEddywastellingme.
Heexplainedthatmyvoicesoundedtoonasal,especiallysomeofmyvowelsounds.AndsometimesIusedtoomanyornamentsand
arabesques,ashecalledthemtoomuchdecoration.
"Theyneedtobecalledforandnecessary,"hesaid."Toooftenyoudrownyourwordsinvocalizations.Togiveallitsmeaningtoa
word,you'vegottoweigheachwordcarefully,thinkaboutwhatitcontains,everythingitcanmean.Somewordsyoucancryout,bite
right into others you can murmur. Some need to sound very detached. Others are only there as links between two ideas or for their
soundquality."
Idrankuphiswords.Itliterallydemolishedmyinterpretationof"Cen'etaitqu'unreve."AndIwasthrilled.Hehadasolutionfor
everything,becausehewasthere,reassuring,attentive,intelligent,intunewithme.Iknewwe'dgofartogether.Hewasmyconfidant,
mycounselor,myfriend.
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Beforewewenttotherecordingstudio,hehadmespendseveraldayspreparingeverythinginmyhead.Thenhesangwithme.His
voicewasunremarkable,butonkey.Wewentovereveryphrase,
twenty,fifty,ahundredtimes.Hetoldmewhere,when,andhowtotakeabreathwhere,when,how,whytopause,howto
holdawordrighttotheendofmybreath.
Andwedidn'tnoticethetimepassing.
Afterthenewdemoswereprepared,Renecametoourhouseonedaytosaythathe'dhadtheTVhostMichelJasminlisten
to"Cen'etaitqu'unreve,"andhe'dbeen"knockedout"too.Jasminwaswillingtodoanythingtohavemeonhistalkshow,
themostpopularinQuebec.Wetookadvantageoftheopportunitytolaunchmyfirst45andtolaunchmetoo.Infact,this
wouldbemyfirstrealpublicappearance,myfirsttestingofthewaters.
"It'sthemostimportanttalkshowinCanada,"Renetoldme."Amillionpeoplearegoingtohearyousing.Jasmin'sthe
best,you'llsee."
Mymothermademeapinkdressthatwascinchedatthewaist,withpuffedsleeves.Threedays,orrather,threenights
of work. My sister Dada found silk stockings the same color pink, but no matter how hard we looked, even in the big
departmentstoresontherueSainteCatherine,wewereneverabletofindmatchingshoes.Finally,Mamantookanoldpair
ofsandalsanddyedthempink.
Manondidmyhairandmakeup,whichshe'ddoneahundredtimesbefore,justforfun.Mysisterlovestodohairand
makeupforpeople.Butthatday,Icouldtellshewasnervous.Shespentalotoftimemakingmyfacelookright.Inall
honesty,myfaceisn'teasytodo.Myhairisascurlyasasheep's.Andinthosedaysitwasverylong.Ifitwasbadlydried
ornotarrangedproperly,itbecamewild.Ilookedlikeaclown!
My mother, Rene, and I got to the studio at TeleMetropole at least two hours before the show was taped. Rene
introducedustothedirector,thefloormanager,thecameramen,theresearchers,andto
[53]
theotherguests.Butthistimehedidn'ttellanyonethatmysingingwouldknockthemout.Iwasrelievedbutalsoworried.
Foramoment,Iwonderedifhe'dstoppedbelievinginme.
It was cold in the studio. When it was time to rehearse my song, I realized I was scared stiff in front of cameras. I
couldn'tfigureoutwhichonetolookat.Luckily,Renehadagameplanformetofollow.I'dsingmyfirstversetothe
audience,thenI'ddotherefrainforthecamera.ThenI'ddoittheoppositewayround.Buttherewasn'tanyaudiencethere
yet, nothing but empty bleachers that could seat about a hundred people. And while I was singing, the cameras kept
moving.WhenIwatchedmyselfinthemonitor,Isawmyprofile,neverfullface,likeIdidwhenIsanginmybedroom
mirror.Iwastotallydisoriented.Iputmybestintoit,Itriedtoconcentrate,buttheemptinessandthecold,blackeyeof
thecamerawereterrifying.
You'vegottodiverightintoit,Renetoldme.Lookatanycameraatallandgoinsideit,bethere.Tellyourselfthat
throughitslensyou'retalkingtoyourmotherandshe'slisteningtoyou.Andthatshelovesyou.
IwasafraidI'dforgetmywords,orthatmyvoicewouldgetshaky,orI'ddissolveintotears.Iimaginedmyselfrunning
outofthestudio.Thatwouldmeancurtainsformycareerasafamoussinger.
ForgoodluckIwantedtoknockonwoodsomethingReneoftendid.ButIcouldn'tseeanythingwoodeninthestudio.
Renelookedforsomewithme.Finally,hefoundthepipeofoneoftheguests,FernandGignac,inanashtry.Heasked
himwhatitwasmadeof.
"Briar,"saidMonsieurGignac.
"Goahead,it'swood,"Renetoldme.
ItouchedFernandGignac'spipe,anditreassuredmealittle.
WhenMichelJasminintroducedmetotheaudience,Iwasstandingintheshadows,shaking.Renewasbehindme,his
headveryclosetomine.Andhesaid:"Goahead,showthemyou'rethebest."
Itwaslikedivingintoemptyspace.Icouldn'tseeanything.Iwalkedonstageasifeverythingwereabouttocollapsearoundme.
Butasusual,assoonasIstartedtosing,mystagefrightdisappeared.Ifeltreallygood.Istaredrightatthecamera,awarethat,
throughit,atleastamillionpeoplewerewatchingandlisteningtome.Fromtimetotime,Ilookedattheaudiencefillingthestudio.In
theshadowsIcouldseemyfather,mymother,mybrotherswiththeirwives,mysisterswiththeirhusbands,allwatchingme,lovingme.
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Andattimes,Ifeltasiftheywereallsinginginchoruswithme.
As soon as the song ended, my fear returned fast and furious. Singing I knew. It was as natural as breathing. But answering the
questionsofaTVhost,thatwasanotherchallenge.SuddenlyIrealizedIhadnothingtotalkaboutotherthanmyloveofsinging.And
thatIwantedtodoitallmylife.Nothingelse.Itseemedalittletooshorttome.
Michel Jasmin mentioned my age, thirteen, and said my mother and brother had written the song I'd sung. He congratulated me
warmly,complimentingmeonmyvoiceandpolitelyaskingifIplannedtotakesinginglessons.Iappearedastonishedbythequestion
andanswereditratherabruptly,asifitwereobviousthatIdidn'tneedanylessons.
Idon'tknowwhyIansweredlikethat.Iwashappywithmyperformanceandmyvictoryoverstagefright,butIwaswellaware,as
wasEddy,thatIstillhadalotofthingstolearn.Myanswermusthaveseemedridiculouslypretentious.
ButIsowantedtobecomeagreatsingerthatI'dbeguntothinkIhadeverythingIneededtodoso.Ibelievedsostronglyinmyself
thatmodestyseemedtodisappearassoonasthesubjectwasmyvoice.
TodayIrealizethatunlikeEddy,Reneencouragedthatattitudeinme,andIdon'tthinkhewasshockedorbotheredbywhatI'dsaid
to
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Michel Jasmin.Although later he did want me to take voice lessons, he always pushed me to say loud and clear that I could knock
everybodyout.
"Ifyouwanttogofar,youhavetoknowwhatyoucandoandyouhavetotellittotheworld.Thatway,you'vegotnootherchoice
buttodoit."That'swhathethought.
AfewhoursaftertheTVshowtaping,Iwatchedthebroadcastinmyparents'livingroom,surroundedbymybrothersandsisters.
WhenIsang,itworked.ButIutterlyhatedtheinterview.Ididsoundpretentious.Andifthere'sonethingonthisearththatIreallyhate,
it's people who know it all, who've never been afraid, who have opinions on everything and think they have nothing to learn from
anybody.
IhavenomemoryofRene'sreaction.Idon'tevenrememberifhewasintheroomwithus.However,Idorememberthatinthedays
thatfollowed,athisoffice,IhadtoendureagainandagainthepainfulordealofwatchingmyselfsingandspoutmyidiociestoMichel
Jasmin.
Renewasn'tjudgmentalaboutit.Hedidn'tcomment,exceptonthewayIheldthemiketoohighinfrontofmymouthandpassedit
backandforthfromonehandtotheother.TwolittlehabitsIhadtogetridof.
WhathereallywantedwasformetogetusedtoseeingmyselfandtobecomecomfortablewithlookingatmyselfasifIwereapart
oftheaudience.Itisn'teasytodothis.Butyoureallyhaveto.Foryears,ReneputmethroughthisexerciseeverytimeIwentonTV.I
hadtoenvisionthebroadcastandwatchmyselfsinging,whichwasmoreterrifyingformethanfacingbigaudiences.Ifcertainthings
seemed like a disaster to me, I quickly corrected them and didn't think about them anymore. I've developed the ability not to keep
endlesslylookingback.Idon'tholdontouselessregrets.
SeveraltimesoverthesummerIsangthenationalanthemsatthebeginningofbaseballgamesattheOlympicstadiuminMontreal.
Theemceeannouncedthat"OCanada"andthe"StarsandStripes"wouldbeperformedbyayounggirlofthirteen.
"Mesdamesetmessieurs,ladiesandgentlemen:CelineDion."
Mikeinhand,Iranrightuptothepitcher'smound,andinfrontofthecrowdandthetelevisioncameras,wearingtheuniformofthe
MontrealExpos,Ilaunchedintotheanthems.Thenextday,Iwatchedmyselffive,sixtimes.Withoutcomment.
Thatsummer,thebestoneofmylife,weputtogethertwoalbums:oneoforiginalsongswrittenbyMamanandEddy,andoneofChrist
massongs.Iremembereveryrecordingsessionasarealcelebration.
Attheendoftheday,Renecamebytotakemymotherandme,andsometimesmyfatheraswell,totheSaintCharlesstudio.Rene
alwaysinvitedalotofotherpeoplehis cousin Paul Sara, his friends MarcVerreault, Ben Kaye, Jacques Des Marais, several others,
peoplefromtheindustryandthemedia.Sometimeshebroughtalonghischildren,andhiswife,AnneRenee.EddyandMiawerethere,
too.Andwithseveralofmybrothersandsisters,theirchildren,theirfriends,thecontrolroomwasreadytoburstwithallthesepeople
who watched us working, sometimes until the wee hours of the morning. In the middle of the night, we had pizza or Chinese food
delivered.OnedayRenedecreedthatpeoplewhowantedtosmokehadtogoouttotheparkinglot.Atthetime,Mamansmoked,asdid
myfatherandseveralofmybrothersandsisters.ButIdidn'tlikeseeingMamansmoke.Ineverlikedthewaycigarettessmelled.
On the days I didn't sing, I went shopping either with my sisters,AnneRenee, or Mia. Rene had given Mia the responsibility of
teachingmehowtocreatealookforthealbumphotos.
I'vealwayslovedfashion.WhenIwaslittle,Iwatchedmymothersewandknit.Icutoutpatternsfrommagazines,Idesigneddresses
andcoatsformyself.AndIhadfundressingupintheclothesandhighheeledshoesofmysisters.Formybirthdayandotherholidays,
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Claudette,mygodmother,alwaysboughtsomethingtowear.MysistersDadaandLietteoftentookmeshoppingwithher.
WiththeveryfirstmoneyIhadearnedasasinger,inthesummerof1981,atthirteen,Iboughtsomehighheels,madeoutofblack
patentleather.Mypassionforshoeshadonlybegun.Formethey'rejewels,theindispensableaccessorytocompleteanoutfit.Although
Ihaven'tcounted,Imusthavemorethanathousandpairstoday.
My collection includes everythingcandypink rain boots, shoes with feathers and sequins, wooden clogs, alligatorskin bootees,
otherfootwearinplastic.Andofcourse,Ihavealotofhighheeledshoesthatareverychic,ineverypossibleandimpossiblecolor,
eventransparentandfluorescent.AndI'vewornthemallatleastonce,eventheonesthathurtmyfeet.Idon'tknowwhereIgotthis
obsession from. I just know that the moment I walk into a shoe store I'm not altogether myself.And I can behave in ways that are
completelyirrational.Severaltimes,I'veboughtthesameshoeineveryavailablecolor.Then,whenIgethome,IrealizethatwhatIdid
wascrazy,disturbinglyso.AndthenonedayItoldmyselfthatperhapsthiswasmyonlyquirk.Ineveryaspectofmyprofessionallife,I
have to control my emotions to the maximum, all my impulses, my feelings. It's part of my profession. I've got to be extremely
reasonableanddisciplinedaboutallthatIdo.Why,then,shouldIdenymyselfthisharmlessquirkthatdoesn'thurtanybodyanddoesn't
harmmycareerinanyway?WhereverIgo,IlookattheshoesofallthewomenImeet.Thementoo,althoughwiththemtheuniverse
ofshoesseemslessrichandlesschanging.Withwomenthechoiceislimitless.Andinthisregard,allwomenareequal.Thinorfat,
youngorold,weallhaveavastnumberofchoiceseverytimewegoout,everymomentoftheday.
Inmyearlydays,Ilikedbrightflashyclothes,frillystuff.Ifmylookhadbeenleftuptomealone,I'msureIwouldhaverigged
myselfoutlikeaflamboyantrockstarorlikeanagingvamp,witha
boa,alongskirtslithighupthethigh,andhighheels.WheneverIwaswithDada,wealwaysseemedtofindsomethinghilariousor
provocativeI'dsayalmostsinfulabouttheoutfitsIchose,orthatIwouldhavelikedtochooseifI'dhadthemoney.
Idreamedofseeingmyselfwalkingtherunwaylikeamodel.I'dimaginemyselfsingingasIdescendedthegreatstaircaseofamusic
hall,wearingasumptuousdressthatwasallfeathersandsequins.Iguesseveryyounggirlhasdreamedofthatatonetimeoranother.
Butkeepingupwithfashioncostsalotmoremoneythanwewereusedtohaving.
Butthatsummer,reallyforthefirsttime,wehadquiteabit.Tome,anyway,itseemedasifwewererollinginmoney.Renealways
paidforeverythingthestudio,thetaxis,therestaurants,evenforthemealsorderedinthemiddleofthenightfortheengineersandthe
audienceattherecordingstudio.Hewasalsogoingtopayformylook,forthephotosession,thelaunching,etc.
Butthepointwasn'ttodoclothesandhairforlaughsortoshockpeople.Mia,whomRenetrustedabsolutely,explainedtomehow
importantitwasthatthefirstimagesofmepresentedtothepublicberight.SheremindedmeofthemajorthemesofEddy'ssongs.
"Yourclotheshavetomatchwhatyoursongsaresaying,"shesaid."They'vegottobeinlinewiththestoryofaveryyounggirl
discoveringlife,askingherselfaboutlove,tellingusabouthergrandmother,herdreams.It'sanicesweetgirlwho'sonlythirteenyears
old."
ImighthavebeendisappointedthatIwasn'tgoingtobeflashier,butitdidn'tlastlong.AssoonasIbeganworkingwithMiaonthe
lookI'dhaveonthealbum,Igotreallyinvolved.Iunderstoodthelogicofit.IalsohadconfidenceinMiaandRene.Sodidmymother.
However,therewasaproblem.WhenIposedforthealbumphotos,Irefusedtolaughorevensmile,becauseIdidn'twantmyteeth
toshow.Myteethweresolongandprominentthatevenwithmy
[69]
mouthclosed,theyhungoverthecornersofmyupperlip.Nooneelseinthefamilyhadteethlikethat,notevenmyparents,fromwhatI
cantellfromthephotosofthemintheiryouth.It'sadistinctionIwouldgladlyhavedonewithout.ForschoolphotosIhadgotteninto
thehabitofkeepingmymouthshutovermyproblem.
Whenever I had to smileas I did for the album cover photoI opened my lips as little as possible. In addition, the photographer
createdverysoftlightingthatconsiderablydecreasedthebumpsmyteethmadeonmylips.
Irememberthelaunchofthatalbummoreclearlythananyotherthatfollowed.Probablybecauseitwasthefirst.Butalsobecause
thejournalistsdidn'treallyseekmeout.Atpromotionalappearances,afterIsang"Cen'etaitqu'unreve"and"LaVoixdubonDieu,"
theyallwenttointerviewReneandEddy,asifIhadnothingtosay.Whichwasprobablythecase.Istilldidn'tknowhowtospeakto
journalists.Orelsetheydidn'tknowhowtoaskmetherightquestions.EventhoughIhadthevoiceofanadult,Iwasbarelyateenager.
Iguesstheyweretakenabackbythediscrepancy.
Eddyspoketothemaboutmyvoice,myspirit,mysenseofdiscipline,andmyfamily.Otherthanmymother,ofcourse,hewasthe
personwhoknewmebestintheworld.
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Eddy was the first person, even before my mother and my sisters, to know that I'd kissed a boy. His name was Sylvain. It had
happenedontheporchatmysisterClaudette'shouseinLachenaie.Itwasarealkiss,notalongone,butIgotveryworkedupaboutit.
Thiswasbecause,afterward,Icouldn'tmanagetoidentifywhatIhadbeenfeeling.Ididn'twonderifhelovedme,butif/wasinlove.
Besides,Iwouldn'thaveunderstooditevenifhehadlovedme.Ididn'tthinkIwasveryattractive.
Later,hebroughtmetothebasementofhisparents'place,wherehespenthoarsplayingNintendowhileIthumbedthroughhunting
andfishingmagazines,whichcouldn'thaveinterestedmeless.Andweneverkissedagain.Weendedupalmostnotspeaking.
Thatonekissmademeverymixedup.Iprobedmyheart,Iwantedtounderstand,toputmyfeelingsinorder.ButthemoreIthought
aboutit,themoreconfusedIgot.
WhenEddyaskedmeonedayifIwasattractedtoSylvain,IrealizedIwasn't.AndIbegantocry.Isomuchwantedtoloveaboy.
Evenaboywhodidn'tlovemeback.Especiallyonewhodidn'tlovemeback.ButIhadtoomanyprojectsgoingtospendmuchtimeon
aflirtation.Isimplywantedtobeinlove.
TwoorthreedaysafterthisconversationwithEddy,whenIwentbacktoschool,mymothertoldmethatEddyhadphoned.He'djust
writtenanewsongforme.Itwascalled"D'Amouroud'amitie"(LoversorFriends).WhenIreadthelyrics,Icriedagain,alot,because
theyweresoclosetome.ItwasalmostasifEddyhadpluckedthemoutofmyheart.
AndIamlikeanislandInthemiddleoftheocean.
You'dsaythatmyheartisjusttoobig.
Thesewordsweretailormadeforme.Thiswasme,mystory,thestoryofateenagegirldreamingoffallinginlove.Butapartfrom
theloveofmyfamily,therewasn'tanyofthatkindoflovearoundmeorinme.Nogreatlovepossible.Iwasalone.Andforalongtime,
I believed that I'd always be alone, my entire life. I told myself that perhaps love had forgotten me.This made me very sad, and I
cultivatedthatsadness,pamperedit,andwhenIsang,itpassedintomyvoice.
Atthesametime,Ihadsomegreatreasonstobehappy.Mylifewaschanging.Iknewthatbigthingswereinstoreforme.
3
LessthanayearafterappearingonMichelJasmin'sshow,Ialreadyhadtwoalbumsoutandwasworkingonathird.I'dbeenon
televisionaboutadozentimes.AndIwentontourwiththestrangestshowI'deverbeenpartofinallmylife,almostacircusact.
A bunch of artists were in the show, all a lot older than me. There was Plastic Bertrand, a semipunk rocker who was really
outrageous,arealscream,andNanetteWorkman,asuperrockperformer.Theyallhadalotofstageexperienceandknewhowtostirup
thecrowd.Mylittlerosewaterballadswereattheoppositeendofthespectrumfromwhattheyweredoing.Therewasaworldbetween
"Cen'etaitqu'unreve"and"LadyMarmalade"(withitslyric"Voulezvouscoucheravecmoi,cesoir?"),between"D'Amouroud'amitie"
andtherantingsofPlastic.Inotherwords,Iwaskindofoutofplace.Mytwoalbumshadbeensellingwell,butcertainlynottothe
audienceattractedby.thistour.
"It'sperfect,"Renetoldmymother."She'lllearntolookoutforherself."
Eachevening,beforeIwentonstage,Renewasbehindme,tellingmeIwasthebestandthatIhadtoknockthemout,asperhis
favoriteexpression,whichmeantIhadreallytogetthemtonoticeme.Buttheothershadjustfinishedtheirheavydutyrockandroll
whenitwasmyturn.Oneevening,Iturnedtohimandsaid:"Nanette'salreadyknockedthemout."
"Notme,shehasn't,Celine.I'mwaitingforyoutoknockmeout.Iknowyoucandoit."
Forthefirsttime,Isangforhim.Hejoinedthecrowdjustbelowthestage,stayingwhereIcouldseehimeasily.ButIdidn'treally
lookathimuntiltowardtheendofmysong.IknewthatI'dreallymovedhim,evenifhalfthecrowdwasn'tlistening.IknewI'dsung
likeI'dneversungbefore,thatI'dsurpassedmyself.Andheknewittoo.Ithinkeventhecrowdwassurprised.
"Youmademecry,"hetoldmewhenhefoundmebackstage.
Ididn'tdoalltheshowsduringthattour.Halfwaythroughthesummer,Maman,AnneRenee,Rene,andIleftforParis.Iwasgoing
torecordthefirstsongsofmythirdalbumthere.FirsttheoneIlovedsomuch,"D'Amouroud'amitie,"also"Visapourlesbeauxjours"
(AVisafortheBeautifulDays)andanotheronethatEddyhadwrittenforMamancalled"Tellementj'aid'amourpourtoi"(IHaveSo
MuchLoveforYou).
Atleasttwentyfiveofmyfamilymembersbrothers,sisters,brothersinlaw,sistersinlawwenttotheMirabelairporttoseeusoff.
EddyandMiawerewaitingforusinPariswithsomefriendsofRene's,GuyandDodoMorali,whohadarestaurantontherueCadetin
theheartofParis.
Renehadn'teverreallyspokenmuchabouthisplansforme,butthateveningontheplanetoParis,hespentalongtimeexplaining
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thattheFrenchhadn'twantedmyfirstalbumbecausetheythought
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itwasn'tcommercialenough.IremindedthemtoomuchofMireilleMathieu,asingerwhoalsohadastrongvoiceandcamefroma
largefamily.
"That'swhywe'regoingtoworkoverthereintheirstudios,withtheirtechnicians,theirproducers,togetsomeideaofwhatthey
want,"hesaid.
ButafewdaysafterwearrivedinParis,whenRenetoldmetotakesomedictionandsinginglessons,heinformedmethattheexec
utivesatPatheMarconi,ourproductioncompany,thoughtnotonlythatmyrecentalbumsweren'ttothetasteoftheFrench,butalso,
mostimportant,myvoicehadsomeflawsthatneededcorrecting.
IfiguredthatbothEddyandRene,whowereinagreementwiththeFrenchproducers,thoughtIsangbadly.Itreallybotheredme.
ButImadeapointofnotlettingitshow.
EddyknewanelderlyladynamedToscaMarmor,whohadbeenteachingsingersandoperasingersforahalfcentury.Hetookmeto
meether,andthenleft,tellingmehe'dreturntogetmeinanhour.
Deepdowninsidemyself,IthoughttheoldladywouldbeimpressedbymyvoiceandwouldsayIdidn'tneedlessons.Butthat'snot,
infact,whathappened.
Thefirstsessionwasprettytrying.MadameToscasatdownatthepianoandmademedoscalesforatleastahalfhour.Thenshe
askedmetosingthesamephraseforanotherhalfhour.
Shemadenocomments,eitherpositiveornegative,nordidsheshowanyemotion.AssoonasI'dfinished,shesaid:"Pleasebegin
again."
Idid.
"Louder,moreemphasis,please."
Isanglouder,withmoreemphasis.Noreaction.Shemerelyseemedalittlebored.InolongerknewifIwassupposedtosinglouder,
lower,orhigher.
Ileftthereprettyworriedandbeganaskingmyselfquestionsaboutmyvoice,aboutwhatI'dbeendoingwithher.Ittooksometime
formetorealizethatI'djusthadoneofthemostimportantlessonsofmywholelife.
IguessReneandEddythoughtIwasmatureenoughtohandlethislittletrial.Istilldon'tknowifitwasadeliberatestrategyontheir
part.ButIdoknowthatmyegosufferedquiteablowthatsummer.Iwasshatteredandwasnolongerassureofmyself.Iprayedthat
somethingpositivewouldcomeoutofthisordeal.Ihateboxinganddon'tknowmuchaboutit,butIdoknowthattheysayaboxer
nevercomesintohisownuntilhe'sbeenknockedoutonceortwice,
IfoundToscatobeafantastic,intelligentwoman,verygenerousandattentivetoothers.Idon'tknowwhatEddyhadaskedother,but
shetaughtmealot.Amongotherthings,shetaughtmethatIstilldidn'thaveenoughofthetoolsandskillstobecomeagreatsingerfar
from it. I also learned that it wasn't enough to have a powerful voice, a big register, and vocal cords of steel.You have to find the
emotionsomewherewithinyou.Andthatcanbeaterrifying,painfulexperience.AsmuchasToscaupsetme,sheultimatelyhelpedme
attainagreatsenseofpeace,andthishelpedmeasIwentintothestudio.
MadameToscataughtmenottobeafraidofmyemotions,eventhoseIdidn'tunderstand.
"Don'tletthemtakeyouover,"shetoldme."Anddon'tbeafraidofthem.Youhavetotamethem,becometheirmaster,makethem
serveyou."
Asoursessionscontinued,Iwouldbringherflowers.Somedays,allwedidwastalkaboutthepleasureandthepainofsinging.
AlmosteveryeveningwhilewewereinParis,weendedupatGuyandDodo's,wherewelistenedagainand
[75]
againtotherecordingswe'dmadeduringtheday.Oneevening,forlaughs,welistenedtooldrecordsbytheBaronetsthatRenehad
giventoGuy,andtotheScorpions,thegroupGuyhadbelongedtoinhisyouth.
The Family Song studio was very small, but always filled to bursting, like the SaintCharles studio in Montreal. The musicians
who'd made the orchestra tracks were there, as were the arranger and the composer. People from PatheMarconi were there, and
sometimesaphotographer,andfriendsofEddyorMia,Frenchpeople,QuebecoispassingthroughParis,alotofpeoplewhoapparently
didn'thaveanythingtodoatthisstudio.
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"Ifthatbothersyou,wecanleaveyoualone,"Eddytoldme.
Iwaspreparingtherecordingof"Tellementj'aid'amourpourtoi,"averyintimatesong.Butthepresenceofallthesepeopledidn't
bothermeatall.Infact,itreassuredme,stimulatedme.Alotofartistsprefertosingbehindascreen,inthekindofboothwherenoone
canseethem.Notme.Notthenandnottoday.
Istoodrightinthemiddleofthestudio.Ilookedinthecrowdforthefaceofmymother,pressedagainsttheboothwindow,andI
sangforher.
Timehasitsway
Onyourhairofgray,
ButachildI'llstay
Tomyverylastday.
Ihavesomuchloveforyou.
Iknowmymotherwell,andshedoesn'tcryeasily.Tospareothersembarrassment,shekeepseverythinginside.ReneandIarebig
weepers,butnother.Butitwasclearshewasverymoved,proudofme,glad,happyaboutthepathwe'dtaken.
Afterthesecondtake,therewasashortsilence,theneveryonein
the studio applauded and shouted so loud that the sound reached me in the booth. And I applauded too, and burst out laughing.
Somethingmagicalhadhappened,somethingbiggerthanallofus.Itseemedtomethatforamoment,wewereallveryhappytogether
inthatlittlestudio.Eventhepeoplewhohadnothingtodothere.
Inspring,Ifinishedmyseventhyearofschool.I'dmissedalotofcoursesonaregularbasis,andeverytimeIwentthere,Inoticed
withoutmuchemotionhowfarI'dfallenbehind.IquicklysawthatIcouldnevercatchupwiththeothers.
Once I'd realized that, I was somewhere else, on another planet. I made up little movies in my head. I returned again to deepest
AfricaortotheAmazon.SometimesIalsotoldmyselfreallysadlovestoriesormorbid,melodramaticromancesthatbroughtmetothe
edge of tears. But most often, I imagined myself as a star of show business and the movies. My name on giant billboards, opening
nights,eveninggowns,thunderousapplause.
I wrote the stories, did the direction, costumes, scenery, dialogue.And I always had the starring role, usually playing a girl who
lookedlikeasisteroftheheroineofFlashdance.I'dseenthatmovieatleastfiveorsixtimes,aloneorwithManon,Dada,orPauline,at
atheaterindowntownMontreal.
FlashdanceisthestoryofagirlwhodreamsofdancinginabigBroadwayshow,butbecauseshe'spoorandhastoworkhardtoearn
aliving,she'sneverbeenabletogotoalegitimateschoolofdance.She'shadtolearnonherown,allalone.Todance.Andtofight.At
everytheatershegoesto,theylookdownonherbecauseshedoesn'tknowanybody.Andsheneverpassesanaudition.
Oneday,bychance,shemeetsanoldladywhousedtobeaprimaballerinainaclassicaltroupe.Thewomanseesherdanceandtells
herthatshehasalotoftalentandthatshe'llfindthestrengthtorealize
[77]
herdreaminherselfandnotsomewhereelse.Shetellshernevertoletothersimposetheirvisiononher.Andaboveall,nevertogiveup
hergreatdream.Thegirlnevergivesup,andattheendofthemovieshewinsaplaceatanelitedanceschool.
Ilovedeverythinginthisfilm,beginningwiththemusicandthesong"WhataFeeling."I'dlearneditbyheart,toEddy'sdistaste,
andpromisedmyselfthatonedayI'dsingitontour.Butaboveall,IadoredthestoryofFlashdance.Itooktheoldlady'sadvicetoheart.
ItoldmyselfthatInolongerneededtogotoschooltosucceedinlife.Iwasconvincedthatmydreamwouldn'thappenthroughschool.
Fortunately,Ididn'thavetoinsistforverylongbeforemymotherletmeskipschool,especiallyifIhadtorehearseanewsongbyEddy
orifIhadashowthatevening...oreventhenextday.
Mymotherneversaidit,butI'mconvincedshebelievedIcouldlearneverythingaswellathomeasIcouldatschool.Shehadbeen
borninatownintheremotestpartoftheGaspepeninsula,andhadlearnedtoread,write,andcountwithhermotherandhereldersis
tersasherteachers.Shewouldn'treallysayitoutloud,butI'msureshebelievedthatwhenitcomestoeducationyourbestteachersare
yourselfandthoseyou'recloseto.I'devengosofarastosaythatshehadmorerespectforselftaughtandselfmadepeoplethanfor
peoplewithalotofdiplomas.
Boysandgirlsattheschool,andafewteachers,toldmefromtimetotimethatthey'dseenmeonTVorinthenewspapersorthat
they'dheardoneofmysongsontheradio.Someofthemevenaskedmeformyautograph.Everybodywassupernicewithme.Iloved
it.ButIdidn'treallyfeelathome.AndInevertriedtomakefriendsbecauseIknewthatI'donlybethereforalittlewhile.
TheworldhaschangedalotsinceIwasateenager.Exceptforveryrareexceptions,Idon'tbelievethatyoucangetbyandfeelgood
aboutyourselfwithoutaneducation.I'malsoconvincedthatthere'sa
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lotofpleasureinlearningandknowingalotofthingshowtheworldworks,history,geography,arthistory,allthat.And
thesedays,Ilovetolearnaboutnewthings.ButwhenIwasateenager,Ihadotherfishtofry.
AttheSaintCharlesstudio,Iwasfinishingrecordingthefinalsongsformynewalbum,whichwouldbelaunchedin
the fall. Rene spoke about organizing a big promotional tour throughout the provinceofQuebec. But things turned out
verydifferently,evenmoredifferentthanRenehadimaginedinhiswildestdreams.Infact,duringthenextfewmonths,
twoimportanteventsoneinJapan,theotherinFranceweregoingtochangemylife.
One evening, maybe a month after school started, at suppertime, Eddy Marnay phoned from Paris. He told us that
"Tellementj'aid'amourpourtoi"hadjustbeenchosentorepresentFranceinamajorinternationalcompetitioninJapanat
theendofOctober.
IthinkIsoundedverystupidonthetelephone.Inthosedays,whensomethingverybigandexcitinghappenedinmy
life,Iliterallyfroze.EveryonearoundmecouldbejumpingupanddownbutIstayedcoolandcalm,eventhoughIwasat
thecenterofthewhirlwind.
"Areyouhappy,Celine?"Mamanasked.
"SureI'mhappy."
"Youdon'tseemtobe."
Idon'tthinkIknowhowtoexpressmyjoy.OrI'mafraidthatifIletmyselfgo,Iwon'tbeabletocontrolmyselfandI'll
explode. Eddy couldn't have understood this because he himself was so overwhelmed with joy. He'd just pulled off a
majorcoupingettinghissongintothefestivalinTokyo.Meanwhile,thereIwascoldasiceontheotherendoftheline.
Still,Mamanrealizedthatsomething
[79]
importantwashappening.ShetoldmetoletherspeaktoEddyandaskedhimathousandquestions.
Shecongratulatedhim,shoutedandlaughed.ShetoldhimthatofcourseIwouldbethere,andshe'dgowithme.Then
MamanaddedthatIthankedhimandthatIwashappy,evenifIdidn'tknowhowtoshowmyjoy.
She'djusthungupandwasgettingreadytocallmybrothersandsisterstotellthemthenewswhenthetelephonerang
again. It was Rene. He had all the details, the exact dates, the number of songs that had been submitted (more than a
thousand,ifIremembercorrectly),thenumberofsongsinthefinals(aboutthirty),thelistofparticipatingcountries,the
namesofthewinnersfrompreviousyears.
Heaskedtospeaktome.FirsttotellmethattheYamahaWorldFestivalofPopularSongwasthemostimportantevent
ofitskindintheworld.Thathe'dgonetoitafewyearsbackwithReneSimard,whowasthenaboutmyage,andwho'd
wonthegrandprize.AfterwardhehadbecomeanenormousscarinQuebec.EvenTimemagazinehadtalkedabouthim.
"FrankSinatrawastheonewhohandedhimhisprize,"Renetoldme."AndIwasthere.Doyourealize,Ishookthe
handofFrankSinatra?..."
Thenhebegantospeaktomeinalowvoice,asifheweresharingaveryimportantsecret,veryintimately,asifheand
Iwereallaloneintheworld.
"Iknowyou'rethebestsingerwho'llbeoverthere.Andyouknowyou'llwinfirstprizeyoudo,don'tyou?"
I'dalwayslovedhisvelvetyvoice,socalmandgentle,butthatnighthereallyshookmeup.Notonlybecauseofwhat
hewassayingbutbecauseofhistone,whichsoundedcloseenoughformetofeelhisbreathagainstmyear.Itwasan
incrediblemomentofintimacy.
Inanevenlower,gentlertone,hetoldme:"It'llchangeourlife,Celine,you'llsee."
Ourlife!
SIhadtostopgoingtoschool.
"Wedon'thaveanychoice,"Renetoldme,asifhewereannouncingbadnews.
He came with my mother and me to see the school principal to explain to him that I couldn't take regular courses
becauseIhada"career"thatwastoodemanding.Isay"explain"becauseI'mcertainthatinReneAngelil'sheadtherewas
neveranyquestionofaskingpermission.Outofpoliteness,hesimplywantedtheprincipaltoknowthatIwasn'tcoming
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back.Andhewantedhimtoknowwhyandtobeinagreementasmuchaswaspossible.
He asked him to prepare a special program of studies for me. He said he would be personally responsible for my
followingthisprogramandpassingtheexaminationsoftheQuebecDepartmentofEducation.Healsospokeaboutmy
mother.Hesaidshe'dalwaysbebymyside,thatshewasanincredible,intelligentwomanwho'draisedfourteenchildren.
Shetoowouldoverseetheeducationandstudiesofherdaughter.
Feeling very intimidated, I was seated a little off to the side on a small, straightbacked chair.Actually, I was only
pretending to be intimidated. I was hearing Rene say that the experiences that I was living were at least as rich in
instructionalvalueasthecoursesIcouldtakeatschool.Asusual,hespokequitecalmlyandgently.HewassayingthatI
hadengagementsnotonlyinFranceandthroughoutCanada,butalsoinJapan.
"Andshehasanaccountant,lyricists,composersandarrangers,alotofpeopleworkingforher,"hewassaying,"All
thesetripsshe's
[81]
takingandpeopleshe'smeetingarecertainlyasvaluableasthegeographycoursesandhistoryoreconomicscoursesthat
yourschooloffers.Surelyyouagreewiththat.MonsieurlePrincipal."
HeevensaidthatIwasveryintelligent,thathe'dseenmelearnsongsbyheartwordsandmusicinjustafewminutes.
Listeningtohim,Icouldbarelycontainmyhappiness.Forthefirsttime,Renewaspayingsomeattentionnotonlyto
thesingerhewasmanagingbutalsotothegirlIwas.
He was saying that though all the boys and girls in my class had spent the summer in Charlemagne or its environs
watching TV or working on a farm or at McDonald's, I'd gone to Paris, where I'd recorded an album with established
artists,thatI'dsungonadozenstagesthroughoutQuebecandmetjournalists,thatmysongswereplayedontheradio.
"Youdounderstandme,don'tyou,MonsieurlePrincipal?"
HeeventoldhimthatIearnedmoremoneyinamonththanmyfathermadeinawholeyear.
Iwasoverwhelmedand,ofcourse,flatteredbyhiswords.IwassurethatReneknewhowtoconvincetheprincipalto
letmeleave.AndthatI'dneversetfootinschoolagain.
Meanwhile,IdidmyLittleMissPerfectionroutine,beingverywellmanneredonmystraightlittlechairwithmyeyes
lowered.
ButwhentheprincipaltookoutmyschoolrecordsandheldoutmyreportcardtoRene,Ithoughtofrunningaway.I
probablyhadtheworstmarksintheclass,inthewholehistoryofthisschool,almostallbelowaverage,nearfailing.
WhatwouldRenethinkofmyperformanceinschool?Hewassointelligentandwelleducated,hespokeEnglishas
wellashespokeFrench,probablyheknewmath,history,andgeography.Onelookatmyreportcardandhe'dconclude
thathislittlesingerwasnotveryintelligent.Iwasdeeplyhumiliated.
Butatthesametime,Iwasjubilant.Iwasfinallygettingoutofschool.Iwouldn'tevenhaveanyfriendstomiss.Theonlypleasant
memories I could keep were those times Mademoiselle Senechal had asked me to clean the blackboard after class. I wiped that
blackboard with intense concentration until there wasn't a single trace of chalk left on it. Sometimes Mademoiselle Senechal took
advantageofthissituationtoreviewwithmethevariouslessonswewerestudying.Itriedmybesttorepeatthem,butInevercould
understandhowthesethingscouldhelpmeinreallife.
Renedidn'tevenopenmyreportcard.TodayIknowhim.Iknowthatoncehe'smadeuphismindaboutsomething,hegoesrightfor
itandanyonewhowantstochangehismindhadbettergetupprettyearlyinthemorningandhadbetterhavesomeverygoodargu
ments.Intheprincipal'soffice,he'dweighedalltheprosandcons.Andhewastakingaction.Hewasn'ttheretofindoutaboutmyaca
demicperformanceoreventolearntheprincipal'sopinionofme.Hewastheretotakemeoutofschool.Andthisisexactlywhathedid.
Andthat'showIfinallybecameastudiousandhardworkingyounggirl!
Reneneverpesteredmetofollowtheeducationdepartment'sstudyprogram.Buthewasdeterminedtoteachmeshowbusiness:
themethodologyofshowbusiness,thehistoryofshowbusiness,thegeographyandeconomicsofshowbusiness.Forhours,especially
whenweweretouring,inhiscar,attherestaurant,he'dpickupthestoryofColonelParkerandElvisPresleyagain,theBeatlesand
BrianEpstein.HetoldmethelegendofEdithPiafthelegendofthe"FrenchElvis,"JohnnyHallidayofBarbraStreisand.Hedescribed
allthegoodandbadshowsthathe'dseeninLasVegasoronBroadway.
Ibecamethemoststudiouslittlegirlintheworld.HetookmetoeveryshowthatpassedthroughMontreal.Hesaidthatthiswaspart
[83]
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ofmywork,myhomework.IsawGinetteRenoquiteoften,StevieWonder,NanaMouskouri,ManhattanTransfer,AnitaBaker,Liza
MinnelliFrenchstarsYvesMontand,MichelSardou,andJulienClercJulioIglesiastheStonesMcCartneyMetallica...Mymother
wentwithusquiteoften.
WehadtoleaveforJapanatleastaweekbeforethefestivalsothatIcouldrestafterthetripandwouldn'tbetooaffectedbyjetlag.
MiaandBenKayewentwithus.
Mia,asmyenlightenedadvisor,knewalltherulesofetiquette,goodtaste,dress,behavior.Shealwaysknewwhattosay,howto
react,whattowear,foreverycircumstance.
BenKayehadbeentheagentfortheBaronets.Hewasfearless,andwhat'smore,hehadaterrificsenseofhumor.Oneofhismost
amazingstuntsconsistedofformingachoruswitheveryonewhohappenedtobeinaparticularrestaurant.Hehadthemallsing,even
thewaiters,eventhepeoplewhoatfirstdidn'twantanythingtodowithit.Iftheyrefusedtosing,he'dhavethemmakenoiseswith
theirmouthsorplaypercussion.Theresultwastremendous.I'dseenhimatworkinrestaurantsinMontreal.Iknewhewascapableof
doingthesamekindofthingsinTokyo.
EddywasgoingtocomedirectlyfromParis.Buttwodaysbeforehisdeparture,Miainformedusthathe'dhurthisbackbadly.He'd
beentoseeadoctor,achiropractor,andanacupuncturist.Nothingandnoonehadsucceededinprovidinganyrelief.Thenextdayit
wasworse,andhewaspracticallyincapableofwalking.MiawenttostaywithhiminParis.Nowonlyfourofusweregoing:Rene,
Maman,Ben,andme.
Outofthefour,Ithinkmymotherwasthemostexcited.She'dalwaysdreamedoftakingbigtrips,andherefinallywasherchance.
She'dsleepinluxuryhotels,visitexoticlocalesshe'dhavealotofpeopledoingherbidding,guides,interpreters,chauffeurs,chamber
maidsshe'dseeherdaughtersingor"triumph,"asReneputitbeforeanimmenseaudience.
"Ireallydon'tknowifIdeserveallofthis,"shetoldmethenightbeforeweleftforTokyo.
Thenextday,justbeforeboardingtheplane,sheturnedtowardmybrotherPaulandheldoutherpackofcigarettes.
"Youcansmokethem,givethemaway,orthrowthemoutIdon'twantthemanymore.I'llneversmokeagaininmylife."
Onceonboardtheplane,sheexplainedtousthatbythisgesture,shewastryingto"deservethetrip."
Ineversawhersmokeagain.AndIneverheardhercomplainaboutmissinghercigarettes.Throughoutthetrip,Renedidn'tstop
congratulatingher.He'dneverdaredtellherthathercigarettesmokecouldbeharmfultomyvoice.Butstartingthatday,hebeganto
controlmyenvironmentmoreandmorestrictly.Smokerswerebanished,evenPapa,whoquicklygottheideaandtookupthehabitof
smokinghiscigarettesoutside,undertheveranda,whenIwasatthehouse.
Often,veryoften,I'vethoughtofthesymbolicgesturethatmymothermadeonthatdayandaboutherideathatwehavetodeserve
whathappenstous.AndIwanttobelievethatshe'sright.Certainly,chancefavorssomepeopleandnotothers.Thentoothereistalent,
giftsthatheavenmakestosomeandnottoothers.SoImustandmustalwaysdeservethevoicethatGodhasgivenme.
I'vealwaysbeenverydisciplined.Ifulfilledallmyobligationsasasinger,andeverydayIpracticedanddidmysingingexercises
withalltheapplicationI'mcapableof.Withoutcheating,IfollowedalltheregimensIwasgiven,stayingsilentforlongperiodstorest
myvoice.Ineverbroketherules,notevenforonedayoronehour.IfIhaddoneso,Iwouldhavebeenpracticallyincapableofgoing
onstage,Iwouldhavebeentooafraidthatmyvoicewouldbecomehoarse.
[85]
Thiskindofconcernandunwaveringdedicationcomesfrommymother.Sheknewitinstinctively.Orperhapsbecauseshehadbeen
raisedasaCatholic.Itdoesn'tmatterhow.Today,forme,it'sanabsolutetruth,whichdoesn'tcomefrominstinctbutfromreason:What
wedon'tdeserve,wehavenorighttoitdoesn'tbelongtous.
InTokyo, I was still too young, I think, to become preoccupied with such thoughts. I was impressed by what was happening, of
course.AndIalsohadmomentsofstagefright.ButIprobablydidn'treallyunderstandthisneedofmymotherto"deserve"whatwas
happeningtoher,allthejoyandhappiness.InTokyo,Imerelywantedtoknockthemout.
TheYamahafestivallastedseveraldaysthefinalswereFridayandSaturdayandthegrandfinalewouldbeontelevisionSunday.It
tookplaceinanamphitheaterwhereI'vesincesungseveraltimes.It'scalledtheBudokanitholdsabouttwelvethousandpeopleandis
locatedinamagnificentparkneartheImperialPalace.You'reintheheartofthecity,yeteverythingispeaceful,eventhecrowd,which
isverywellbehaved,quitedifferentfromtheexcitedcrowdsI'dbeenpartofattheForuminMontreal,forexample,whenI'dgoneto
seeOliviaNewtonJohnorEltonJohn.
Inordertodeterminetheorderoftheperformances,eachparticipanthastopickanumberatrandom.OnFridaymorning,Iended
upwithfive.OurinterpretertoldmethatthewordforthisinJapaneseisgo.Rene,whohasalwayslovedomensandcoincidences,was
thrilled.
Isangwell,withoutforcingmyvoice,thoughIperformedalittledistractedly.Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Ifoundmyselfonan
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unbelievablyvaststageinfrontofanenormousaudience.Iwasaccompaniedbyalargeorchestraofmorethanfiftymusicianswith
whomI'drehearsedforonlyabouttenminutes.Ifeltalittleoutofplaceanddisoriented.Ididn'tknowwheretolook,andIcouldn't
hearmyselfverywell.Ittookmeawhiletogainfullcontrolofmyvoice.
ButasIleftthestageattheendofmysong,Iheardtheapplauseofthecrowd,whichseemedmoreintensethanithad
beenforthetwoboyswhohadcomebeforeme.However,someoftheparticipantswhofollowedweregivenapplause
justasloudasIhad,ifnotlouder.IstartedthinkingthattherewasagoodchanceI'dbeeliminatedbeforethegrandfinale.
OnSaturdayafternoon,afterthelastcompetition,thejudgesannouncedthenamesofthetenpeoplewho'dbeinthe
grandfinaleonSundayafternoon.
I was one of them.This time, I ended up with number five againgo.And this time again we looked at it as a good
omen.ButIwasstillverynervous.
In addition to the twelve thousand spectators who filled the Budokan Sunday afternoon, there were several million
watchingtheeventontelevision.Reasonenoughtofeelweakintheknees.
WavesofanguishwashedovermeasIthoughtofthemomentwhenI'dhavetogoonstageandlaunchintomysong.I
imaginedthecrowdI'dhavetofaceasaheartlessmonstercapableofdevouringme.AndItriedtoforget,totellmyself
thatthiswasn'tsoimportant,thatI'dsurviveverywellwithouttakinghomefirstprize.
Renedidn'ttryatalltoconvincemethatIhadnoreasontobeafraid.Onthecontrary,hekepttellingmethatthiswasa
crucial,decisivemomentinmylife,thatthemonsterIwasabouttofacewasterrible.Heknewitwas.ButheaddedthatI
hadnochoice,thatIhadtowin.
Insteadofdiminishingthismonster,asI'dbeentryingtodo,hetoldmethatIwasstrong,determined,capableeffacing
it.Whenhespoketome,Ireallyfeltlikeagreatperson,arealprofessional.ThateveningIwenttobedconvincedthat
onceIgotonstageI'dknowhowtomastermyvoice.Andtamethemonster.Maybeevenknockitout.
[87]
Thenextafternoon,whilewaitingmyturntosing,IremainedstandinginthewingssothatIwouldn'tcreasemydress.
ItwaswhiteandmadeofheavycottonbyJosianeMoreau,mystylistatthetime,whousedapatternMamanandIfound
inamagazine.Itwasmagnificent,butalittleoutofseason.We'dbothimaginedthatJapanwasawarmcountry,thatthe
climatewaslikeJulyinQuebecallyearlong.
Rightatthefootofthestairsleadingtothestage,andrightatthemomentwhentheannouncerspokemyname,Isaw
something on the floor that at first I thought was a medal, but was actually a coin. I picked it up.When I saw that the
numberfivegowasengravedonit,Idecidedtokeepit.Forgoodluck.Mydresshadnopocket,soIslidthecoinintothe
sideofmyshoe.AsIwalkedunderthelightstosing"Tellementj'aid'amourpourtoi,"Ifeltitslidingunderthearchofmy
foot.ItwouldbemygoodluckcharmIknewit.Iwouldkeepitwithmealways.Fromnowon,fivewouldbemylucky
number.IwassureofitthankstothecoinIwasgoingtowinfirstprize.
WhatI'dseenthepreviousnightandthenextmorningasahorriblemonsterthejudges,thecrowd,cameras,millions
oftelevisionviewersnowseemedlikeawarm,friendlypresence.
Whentheawardswereannounced,ItiedforfirstplacewiththeMexicansingerYoshio.Themusicians,whoalsovoted,
awardedmethespecialorchestraprize.BeforeIrehearsedwiththemonFridayafternoon,Renetoldmetogreetthemand
thankthem,andifpossibletoshakehandswiththeconductorandthepianistaswellasthefirstviolinist.Ithinkthey
reallyappreciatedthosepolitegestures.
I cried a lot. On the stage, in front of the audience at the Budokan and the Japanese television viewers.Then in the
wings,IfoundRenetoocryingasthoughhisheartwouldbreak.AndMamanandBen.
OurinterpreterandtheJapanesepeoplearounduslookedliketheywereinshock.Idon'tthinktheywereusedtoseeing
suchpub
licdisplaysofemotion.Outofpropriety,theyturnedawayandwithdrew.Thefourofusstayedhuggingeachotherand
cryingforquiteawhile.
Then,asifhe'dsuddenlycometo,Renetookmyhandandledmeintotheauditorium,infrontofthestage.Atelephone
wasplacedonapillowbetweentwomonitors.Hehandedmethereceiver.
"It'sforyou."
ItwasEddyandMiainParis,whereitwasdawnthey'dwatchedmesing"Tellementj'aid'amourpourtoi"andthen
heardthepresidentofthejuryannouncethenameofthewinners.ReneandBenhadhadthistelephoneinstalledbythe
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organizersofthefestival.Thistime,Iknewjusthowtoexpressmyjoy.AndIgaveEddysomethingtocelebratebytelling
himhowmuchIlovedhimandhowmuchIowedhim.Mia,aswell.OfcourseIkeptcryingandcrying.ThistimeIknew
thatIdeservedmyhappiness.
MamanandIhadpromisedRenethatifIwontheYamahafirstprize,we'deatrawfish.
Ithadhappenedonboardtheplane.ThepassengershadbeengivenachoicebetweenaWesternmealbeef,pasta,orchickenand
someJapanesedishes.Withouthesitation,bothofuschosethechicken.Butaswastobeexpected,becausethatwasalwayswhathedid,
RenetriedtoconvinceustotrytheJapanesedishes.Hewasconvincedofit:"Justtasteitandyou'llloveit,"hesaid.
"Notonboardanairplane,"Mamananswered.
Mamanlovedcookingforpeople.AndRenereallylikedherpies,pastas,choppedsteaks,andmeatloafs,butweknewthatthey
wereneverspicyenoughforhistaste.Healwayswantedmarinades,spices.Andtherewasn'tenoughvariety,either.
Renealwayswantedeverybodyaroundhimtolikewhatheliked:
[89]
gambling,exoticcuisine,Elvis,theBeatles,CocaCola.Hewasalwaystryingtoconverthisfriends.Ateverychancethat
presenteditselfinMontrealorParis, he took us to Lebanese or Moroccan restaurants. He had us try everythingfalafel,
babaganoush,hummus,shwarma.
Sowhileheatehissushiandsashimi,heextractedthatpromisefromus.Ihadtoeatrawfish.
I'dhavetheoccasiontodosoafewdayslater.SinceI'dwonthefestival,I'dbeeninvitedtosingatabiggalaforhigh
officialsandministersoftheJapanesegovernment.Atthebanquetthatfollowed,Iwassittingatthetableofhonor,as
weremymotherandRene,butIwasn'tnexttothem.Assoonashecould,Renemadeasigntomebyraisingapieceof
rawfishbetweenhischopsticks,asiftosay:"It'snowornever."
Ihadtokeepmypromise.I'dalreadymanagedtoswallowaheavilyflavoredsoupwhentheworstarrived:slicesof
rawfishonlittleballsofricesushiwhichdelightedmytablemates.Therewasalsoasmallbowlofblacksauceintowhich
they would dip their sushi. And wasabi mustard, which looked to me like the splitpea puree found in Lebanese
restaurants.Itookamouthful.AndIreallythoughtthatmyheadwasgoingtoexplode.ItwasasifI'djustreceiveda
strongelectricshock.Throughmytears,Isawallheadsturntowardme,eventheguestsattheothertable.
MymotherandRenehadgottenuptohelpme.Iwasbroughtdamptowelstowipemytearsandblowmynose.When
my interpreter explained what had happened, everyone burst out laughing. But Rene wasn't laughing at all. He stayed
nearme,onhiskneesnexttomychair,untilIcouldspeak.
"Areyousureyoucansing?"heasked.
"Yes."
"Tryit,let'ssee."
Toreassurehimandmakehimlaugh,Isanghimatunethatwaspassingthroughmyhead.Itwasalovesong,inavelvetyvoice.
Rightupagainsthisear.
"Areyoulonesometonight?"
Hedidn'tcry.Hebecameveryserious.Heheldmeverytightinhisarmsandthenwentbacktohisseatwithoutlookingatme.
Irefusedthesteakandgrilledfishthatwasofferedme.AfterwhatI'djustlivedthrough,Iwasreadytoswallowfire!Imanagedto
grabahunkofveryredfish,acornerofwhichIdippedinthesoysauce,thenIbroughtittomymouth.Strangetexture,smooth,oily.
Andnotbadtastingatall.Thepeoplenexttomekeptsilent,theireyesloweredtotheirplates.They'dunderstoodthatIwasabeginner
and,Ithink,wantedtopolitelyoverttheirgazeincaseIspitthepiecebackontomyplate."Mmmm,"Isaid,signalinginanexaggerated
waythatIthoughtitwasgood.Allofthemsmiled.
That evening was magnificent. My little blooper with the sushi had created a marvelous atmosphere and put everyone in a good
mood.ThepeoplesittingnexttomebegantoholdforthaboutthetreasuresofJapanesecuisinetheyshowedmehowtoholdthechop
sticks.Thentheyaskedmeathousandquestionsaboutmyfamily,thesnowandforestsofCanada,theEskimos,thewolvesandbears,
theCanadianMounties.
Sincethattime,I'velovedJapan.Ialwaysfeelatease,athome,eveniftherearelanguageandetiquettebarriers,rulesandprotocols
thatIoftendon'tunderstand.Ilovetheorderthatreignsinthisworld,thespecialhumorofthepeople,theirdiscretion.
Atthetime,IkeptadiarythatI'dbroughtwithme.Itwasmymother'sidea,tokeepmeoccupied.InitI'dlistedthebirthdatesofall
themembersofmyfamilyandmyfriends.Fordays,fartherawayfromourhomethanI'deverbeeninmylife,Iquestionedmymother
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aboutherchildhood,abouthowshemetmyfather,thebirthofherfirstchildren,mybirth.
[91]
ThenIsetaboutwritinginmydiarywhathappenedeachday,describingthiscountrythatwasatoncesostrangeandsofamiliar.But
Ididn'tsucceedinfindingwordstoexpresswhatIwasfeeling,oreventodescribewhatIwasseeing.Thephraseswereallknocking
aboutinmyhead.Itwasallhappeningtoofast.Faster,fartheraway,andatahigheraltitudethanthoselittlemoviesIusedtofilminmy
headwhenIwasinschool.
NowInolongerhadthetimeortheinclinationtomakemyhomemovies.WhatIwaslivingwasasexcitingaswhatI'ddreamedof
forsuchalongtime.
ArrivingbackinQuebecwasunforgettable.Atthe Montrealairport,acrowdwaswaitingformewithflowers,teddybears,andvelvet
frogs.TVcameraswerepointedatmeandmicrophoneswerethrusttowardme.MybrotherPaulhadbroughtusthenewspapers.Allof
themweretalkingaboutthegrandprizeI'dwoninTokyo.
"OnTVtoo,"hetoldme."They'retalkingaboutyoueverywhere."ReportershadcometoourhouseinPointeauxTrembles,wherewe
hadjustmoved,andinterviewedmyfather.They'daskedforphotosofme.TheywantedtoknowhowoldIwas,ifIhadaboyfriend,
whatcolormyeyeswere.Theprimeministerof Quebec,ReneLevesque,askedtomeetmeandcongratulatedmeinthenameofall
Quebecois.IwasalsoinvitedtojoinadozenartistswhowerepartofamegashowattheMontrealForum.WhenIclimbedonstage,
evenbeforeIbegantosing,thetenthousandpeoplefillingtheauditoriumstooduptoapplaudme.
ThatdayImadeastrangediscovery.Mostofthepeopleapplaudingmehadn'tevenseenmesingonstage.Alotofthemprobably
hadn'tevenknownmynametendaysbefore.Theygavemetheirapplauseandovationsnotbecausemysinginghad
impressedthem,butbecauseI'dachievedsomethingontheothersideoftheworld.
Thismademefeel,inaway,likeIowedthemsomething.AsifI'dbeenpaidinadvance.Theirapplauseandshoutsstimulatedme.
Andforthatreason,Isangwithmyheart,withincrediblepleasure.ThenextdaymyphotoappearedinalltheMontrealpapers.
Rene was jubilant. It couldn't have been a better time to launch my next album, Tellement j'ai d'amour pour toi. With Mia, he
preparedanenormouspublicitycampaign.Theywantedmetomeetalltheprint,radio,andtelevisionmediasothey'dtalkaboutme
more.
ButIneverfeltIhadanythingtotellthem.TheonlythingIknewhowtodobackthenwassing.
Themainthingthatintriguedthereporterswasthatthemostbrilliantmanagerinthecountrywasinterestedinmeandmeonly.By
this point, Rene had broken all professional ties with Ginette Reno and was occupied solely with my career. He'd known how to
surround me withthebestwritersEddy Marnay, to be sure, but also Luc Plamondon, who had written one of the songs for the new
album.Also, we had the best arrangers, composers: Francois Cousineau in Quebec and, in France, Hubert Giraud, who'd written the
musicforoneofmymostcherishedclassics,theverybeautiful"MamyBlue"(whichIusedtosingwhenIwasfiveyearsold)aswellas
thesongformymotherwhichgavethealbumitsname:"Tellementj'aid'amourpourtoi."
Fortheholidays,Rene,hiswife,andhischildrenwentsouth.Andforthefirsttimeinmonths,Ihadnothingtodoformorethantwo
weeks.Noengagements,nopromos,noTVappearances.Afterthreedays,Iwasatacompletelossastowhattodowithmyself.When
Renewasaround,healwayscreatedakindoffermentaroundme.Ialwayshadalotofthingstodo,concertstoseeorgive,interviews,
TVshows,newsongs.Iwaslearningthingstoo,discoveringthem,
[93]
havingallkindsofexcitingexperiences.Ihadbeensuckedintoaveritablewhirlwind,andhewasitscause,theengine,theinitiator.
Oncehewasgone,everythingaroundmebecamedullandflat.Ididn'tevengoout,excepttovisitmybrothersandsisterswithPapa
andMamantheonlytimesIcamealivewaswhenwewereallsingingtogether.Itwaslikeoldtimes,butnowIhadarealvoice,areal
placeinthefamilychoir.
My brothers and my sisters were all happy about what was happening to me. However, certain of them, notably Claudette and
Michel,mygodmotherandgodfather,wererealizingthatwhenmycareertookflight,itwouldprobablyendtheirchancesofhaving
theirowncareersinshowbusiness.Itwasasifallthedreamsofthefamilyhadbeengiventome,whoreallypossessednothingmore
thantheothers,exceptluckandanattentive,intelligent,daringmanager.
Forsometime,I'dseenmycareerchangenotonlymyownlifebutalsothatoftheothersaroundme,especiallymymother.Butalso
thelifeofmyfather,who,becauseofme,wasoftenleftaloneinthehouse.Mymotherhadquitherjobandalwaysaccompaniedme
everywhere,evenwhenitwasonlyaminorTVappearance.SheevencamealongwhenIwentshoppingwithMiaorAnneRenee.I
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wantedhertobethere.Ineededhertobethere.Later,Iwonderedifmyfatherhadbornmeagrudgeforhavingstolenhiswifeinthat
way.
Butduringtheseholidays,thelastI'dexperienceinourhouseinCharlemagne,myfatherwasalwaysverygentlewithme.Hesaw
thatIwassad,buthedidn'ttrytounderstandwhy,likeMamandid.Hesimplytriedtomakemelaugh,toputsomeotherthoughtsinmy
head.Oneeveningwhenwewerealoneinthehouse,hetookouthisaccordionandplayedformeforhours.
ItmustbesaidthatIhadallthereasonsintheworldtobehappy.IwasbecomingeverythingI'ddreamedof.Everyday,Ilistenedto
"D'Amouroud'amitie"ontheradioandalsothesongsonthe
ChristmasalbumIhadrecordedayearbefore.Butitseemedasifthatwasathousandyearsago,thatI'dsungthosesongs
inanotherlife.
Iexplainedmysadnesstomyselfasaresultofhavingnothingbettertodo.OnlylaterwouldIunderstandthatitwas
reallysomethingelse.
EvenbeforeRenereturnedtoQuebec,heunleashedanewwhirlwindthatwouldcarrymeevenfartheraway.Oneevening
hephonedtotellmeIwasgoingtosingatMidem,theinternationalfairthattherecordindustryheldeachyearinJanuary
orFebruaryinCannes,France.
"You'llbesingingforprofessionals,nothingbutshowbusinessprofessionals.Fromallcornersoftheglobe."
This was the biggest market for the record business in the world.And the best producers, lyricists, composers, and
journalistsontheplanetwouldbetheretohearme.Onboardtheplane,heonceagaintoldusthatmysongsdidn'talways
sell that well in France. They weren't played anywhere on the radio. Not even "D'Amour ou d'amitie," which Pathe
MarconihadbroughtoutasasingleandwhichEddyandRenehadthoughtwastailormadefortheFrench.
"Eddydoesn'tunderstand,"hetoldus."Heseesitasapersonalfailure.He'shumiliated.ButIknowwhattheproblem
is.It'sthatthey'veneverheardyouoverthere.Whentheyhearyouonce,justonetime,thingswillchange.You'llsee."
Onceagainhewasright.
InCannes,alltheartistshadtolipsynchusingorchestratracks.Foralotofthem,thiswashell.Notonlydidtheyhave
tobeperfectlysynchronizedwiththemusic,theyalsohadtosimulatetheeffortandtheemotions.Inotherwords,they
hadtobecomeactors.ButI'ddonethisthousandsoftimesinfrontofmybedroommirror.
[95]
Besides,I'dalwayslovedsingingforpeoplewhowereinthebusiness.SoIwasperfectlyatease.
Atthesametime,IknewthatIhadtogiveitmybest.PatheMarconihadpulledoutallthestops."Layallourcardson
thetable"washowoneoftheexecutivesputit.AlloverthePalaisdesCongres,wherethegalatookplace,Icouldseebig
postersandbannerswithmyfaceandnameingiantletters.Allthediscjockeys,producers,andrecordarchivistsfrom
everyradiostationinFrancewerethere.
Iunderstoodthat,thistime,ifmysongdidn'tmakeitinFrance,Iwouldn'tevenbegoingbacktosquareoneI'dbeout
ofthegamealtogether.Andsurprisinglyenough,Iwasexcitedbysuchhighstakes,bythislastandonlychanceIhadno
choicebuttoseize.
Before I even finished my song, I knew I'd done it. I could feel the crowd becoming attentive, captive, holding its
breath. The house was brightly lit. I could see the faces turned toward me, everyone motionless until my song was
finished,atwhichpointtheyleapedtotheirfeettoapplaud.
Thatveryevening,wemettheexecutivesofthebigradiostationsinFrance,whoassuredusthatthey'daddmysongin
theirplaylists.AverypolitegentlemanandladycametoourhoteltopresentuswithaninvitationtotheMichelDrucker
TVshowChampsEly'sees,namedforthemostfamousstreetinParis.
"Drucker'sprogramisthebiggestvarietyshowinEurope,"Renemadesuretotellme.
Iwastoldtodotwosongs.Maybethere'devenbeashortinterviewwithDrucker.ButwhatexcitedReneevenmore
wasthefactthatI'dbeeninvitedtoappearontheverynextbroadcast,whichwastoairinafewdays.
"Thatmeansthey'vebouncedsomeoneofftheshowforyou,"hesaid."Drucker'sreallyimportant,youknow.He'sthe
FrenchEdSullivan."
HehadtoexplaintomewhoEdSullivanwas.WewereinParis,inthesittingroomofabighotelonthePlacedelaConcordeas,
fascinated,IlistenedtohimrecountthelifeofSullivan,whoseSundaynightshow"thebiggestTVshowofthefiftiesandsixties"had
hadfeaturedallthegreatsElvis,theBeatles,theStones.Then,standingup,heimitatedSullivan,withhishunchedback,rubbinghis
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handstogetherasheannouncedinanasalvoice:"Ladiesandgentlemen...CelineDiooooon."
Overnight,Ifoundmyselfsurroundedbyacrewofpublicists,producers,allkindsofadvisors.Thewholethingmadeussoedgythat
Ithinkwewerewithinahairsbreadthoflosingourmarbles.
InmysuitcasewasthecottondressthathadbroughtmeluckinTokyo,theblackpantsandwhiteblousethatI'dwornatCannes,the
houndstoothjacketJosianeMoreauhaddesignedforme,thereddressMiahadboughtforme.Andthegirlswerestilldiscussingmy
look.Thedaybeforetherecordingsession,theywentaroundtoallthestoresagainandhadmetryonsweaters,dresses,jeans.Ahair
dresserplayedaroundwithmyhairforhourswhileapressagentspoketomeaboutDrucker.
"Ifhecomesovertoseeyouwhenyou'vefinishedsingingandifhetakesyourhand,or,betteryet,ifheputshisarmaroundyour
neckandsaysnicethings,ifhespeakstoyouevenforonlythirtyseconds,you'llknowthatyou'vebecomeabigstarinEurope."
Thedayoftherecording,weallmetasusualatGuyandDodoMorali'srestaurant.Eventhougheveryonewasunbearablynervous,
ReneandIdidn'tleaveuntillate.HewasdrivingGuy'slittlecar,andGuywasintheback.Atthetime,Renelikedtodrive.Especially
inParis.Forhimitwasanexcitinggame.WithGuyintow,he'dmakeupchallengesforhimself,suchasdrivingaroundthePlacede
1'Etoileintheoppositedirectionfromtheflowoftraffic.Buttodayhewasjusttoonervous.
[97]
AtthecircleattheChampsElysees,Renehitacar.RightawayheturnedtowardGuy."I'llletyoutakecareofthis."
Andthenthetwoofusstartedrunningbetweenthecars.Wecouldstillheartheotherdriveryellingasweclimbedintoataxithat
would drop us several minutes later at the ChampsElysees studio, where Maman, Eddy, Mia, AnneRenee, and the entire Pathe
Marconistaffwerewaitingforus.
Therewasanunbelievablecrowdinthestudio,inthedressingrooms,andinthewings.Eachoftheartistswhoweregoingtobeon
the show had his or her own staff and friends. Nicole Croisille, Herbert Leonard, Francis Lemarque, and other wellknown French
singers were there. I found this reassuring, I was happy to rehearse in front of all these people. I've always felt that showbusiness
professionalswerekindtome,eventhosewhoperformedinacompletelydifferentgenre,liketheEnglishpunkgroupwhowasalso
partoftheshow.
First,Isang"D'Amouroud'amitie."Drucker,whowasfollowingtherehearsalsonamonitor,cameoutofhisboxandwalkedtoward
me,congratulatingmeverywarmly.Hetoldmehe'daskmeafewquestionsattheendofthebroadcast.
So,hadIwontheprize?WasIgoingtohavemy"thirtyseconds"?
Rene really didn't want me to declare victory too soon. I could see he wasn't too pleased that Michel Drucker had come to
congratulatemesoquickly.Hewantedtouptheante.
"Thatdoesn'tmeanthatyou'vemadethegrade,"hesaid."Youhavetoimpresshimevenmore.Thisguy'sbeenrubbingelbowsfor
yearswiththegreateststarsintheworld.You'vegottoreallymovehim,stunhim."
Moreandmore,that'swhatRenewasaskingfor.Iwasstillveryyoung,butIknewthatthehighertheante,thehigherI'dgo.
WhenthebroadcastbeganandDruckerintroducedme,Rene
stayedveryclosetome,hisheadbenttowardmine.Ithadbecomeacustom,asortofritualthatIwouldn'thavewantedtodowithout.
EverytimeIdidaTVshow,hewhisperedinmyearthatIwasthebestwiththatvoicethatIlovedsomuch.
"You're the best. You're at home here. Everybody loves you."And then he'd push me gently toward the stage lights. "D'Amour ou
d'amitie"isasongthatisfullofnuances.IhadworkedonitalotwithEddy.Fordays,Iperformeditoverandoverinmyhead.Iowned
it.Itwastailormadeforme,foragirlwhowasbeginningtowonderaboutlove.
IthinkIimpressedDrucker.Hecametowardmeclappinghishands,huggedme,rookmyhand,andspoketomeforagoodwhile.That
evening,wecelebratedatGuyandDodo's.Renewaswildwithjoy.
"You know what he said when he introduced you?" he asked me. I didn't have the foggiest idea. Offstage in the wings, it's another
world,whereyouconcentrateanddon'treallyhearwhat'shappeningonstage.
"Isupposehesaid:'Mesdamesetmessieurs,CelineDion,'orsomethinglikethat."
"Not at all. When he introduced you, he said: 'Mesdames et messieurs, you'll never forget the voice you're about to hear. So
rememberthisname:CelineDion.'"
Renemarveledatthesefewwordsandrepeatedthemahundredtimesthatevening.Yearslater,whenwelaunchedmyfirstalbumin
EnglishUnisonheturneditintoasloganthatthepublicitydepartmentatCBSused.
In less than a week, Midem and Drucker had made me a star in all the Frenchspeaking parts ofEurope. "D'Amour ou d'amitie"
played everywhere and was at the top of all the charts, and stayed there until the summer. I was giving interviews left and right. In
Paris,asinMontreal,peoplerecognizedmemoreandmoreofteninthestreet.
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[99]
ThatyearIhadtocrosstheAtlanticabouttwentytimestodopromotionalworkortapeTVbroadcastsorrecordnewsongs.In
FranceandQuebec,myrecordswentgold,platinum,anddiamond.AndIwasstillonlyfifteenyearsold.Iwasalreadyaccustomedto
luxuryhotels,expensivechicboutiques,airplanes,andchauffeurdrivencars.
ItwasastyleoflifeI'dwanted,dreamedabout,butevenso,itwasrough,puzzling,andsometimesreallyagonizing.SometimesI
reallymissedourhouseinCharlemagne,andespeciallyPapa,ofwhomIsawsolittle,andalsomybrothersandsisters.Imissedthose
sweetmomentswehadallsharedinthepastwhenwewerepartofaveryunifiedfamilychorus.
I knew that it would never be the same with us, that from now on I wouldn't be able to do anything more than pass through. I
alreadylivedadifferentlife,wasn'tlivinginthesameworld.AndI'dleftwiththebesttheyhad,withtheirdream.I'dtakenMaman,
whowasalwayswithme,whomIalwaysneededsomuch,whenIwasawayfromthem.
Eddyhadmetalkaboutallthesethingsforhours.HetookmeforwalksthroughParisalot.HewasthegreatestwalkerI'veever
knowninmylife.We'dgototheLuxembourgGardensortothebanksoftheSeine,ortoatrendypartofPariscalledNeuilly.AndI'd
tellhimaboutmymoods,dreams,fears.Thisreallyhelpedme.
Sometimes,whenhe'dworkedoutafewlinesofasong,Eddygotsoexcitedhe'dphonemeateightinthemorningtohavemelisten.
Especiallyinthosedays,Ididn'texistateightinthemorning.Iwasinlimbo.AndIhatedtotalk,especiallyonthephone.Buthewasso
elatedthathemanagedtopullmeoutofmytorporandoutofmybed.Whenhearrivedatthehouseanhourlater,Iwasawake,all
workedup,andhissongwasrunningthroughmyhead,withorwithoutmusic.
OnedayhecalledmefromtheMirabelairport,wherehe'djustlanded:"ListentowhatIfoundintheplane."
Overthetelephone,hehummedthefirstfewbarsofwhatwouldbecome"Lescheminsdemamaison"(TheRoadsThat
LeadtoMyHouse).Hewasreallyexcitedaboutit.
"I've found the thread," he told me. "Your next album is in my head. It will be the last trace of your childhood, the
childhoodwhichyouareleaving.Afterthat,you'llbesingingaboutthelifeofawoman."
InEddy'ssongs,Isawmyselfasifinamirror.HemademeconsciousofthechangesIwasgoingthrough.Bytalking
tohimaboutwhatIwasfeelingandbysingingthesongshewroteforme,Iwasabletopasssmoothlythroughthestages
ofmourningformydisappearingchildhoodandthecozylifeI'dlivedinthebosomofmyfamily.Iwaswatchingmyself
growup,littlebylittlebecomingawoman.Astrangewoman,however.Iwasaprofessionalartistwhocouldconfront
largeaudiences,enduregreatpressure,butIstillneededtohidebehindmymother'sskirts.
I'dhadnomoonlightromancesorkissesstolenincorridors.Nofemalefriendseither.Notime.MorethaneverIwas
surroundedbyadults.AndIwaslivinglikethem,thinkinglikethem,workinglikeallofthematmycareer,exclusively,
sevendaysaweek,fiftytwoweeksayear.AtthetimeIwasn'tcapableofdoinganythingelse.Iwasputtingallmytime,
my energy, into my profession. Even when I ate or slept I had only one goal: to be strong and healthy enough to sing
better.Itwasgruelingdiscipline.
WasIhappyinthishellishplace?IthinkIwas.IwasdoingwhatI'dalwaysdreamedofdoing:Iwassinging.Renetook
careofalltherest.Heplannedouteverything,negotiated,organized.Hefoundmethewordsandthemusic,themusicians
andthestages,allkindsofvenues.Hewasobsessed.Hewantedeverybodytohearmysongsandtoseeme.
[101]
Wewerealwaysonthego.OneeveningI'dsingwiththeMontrealSymphonyOrchestraandthenext,bysuppertime,
I'dbedoingaTVbroadcastwithcountrymusicperformers.I'dgiveaconcertonaraftonalakeintheLaurentidesin
centralQuebec.At night I'd record a Christmas song with a chorus of forty people, all from my family.Then Maman,
Rene,andIwouldleaveforadistantregionofQuebecwhereIwasperforminginafestival.
IwasaskedquiteoftentoperformonthevarietyshowsonTeleMetropole,themostpopularchannelinQuebec.We
alwaysacceptedtheseinvitations.ButRenewantedtheaudienceofRadioCanadatoseemeandhearmeaswell.Sohe
pesteredtheproducersandprogrammersofpublictelevisionuntiltheyagreedtoproduceaspecialbroadcast,akindof
portraitofme,whichtheywerecontractedtoairduringprimetime.
For days they followed me everywhere, right into the kitchen of our house in PointeauxTrembles and into my
bedroom. They even included shots of Paris. Interviews with Papa and Maman, with Eddy, with my musicians and
technicians,withRene,obviously,whosaidinfrontoftheRadioCanadacamerasthatonedayI'dbe"thegreatestsinger
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intheworld."
"Itjustslippedout,"hesaidasawayofanexcuse."Butbysayingit,IrealizethatIreallybelieveit.Oneday,you'll
see."
Inthemeantime,hewasworkingtoexpandmyaudienceasmuchaspossible.Whenhefoundout,forexample,thatthe
QuebecDepartmentofCulturalAffairswaspreparingabigshowfortheinaugurationoftheFelixLeclercTheater,hegot
itintohisheadthatIoughttobethere.
"You'llsingaFelixsong,"hesaid."That'llsurprisethem.You'llsee."
Atthetime,however,theQuebecshowbusinessworldwasdividedintotwomajorclanswhowereoftenatoddswith
eachother.Thereweretheintellectuals,andtherewerethe"others."Obviously,
I was part of the second group.And the "others" hadn't been invited to participate in the show inaugurating the Felix
LeclercTheater.Nevertheless,Renearrangedformetobethere.
"You'regoingtoshowthemthatyou'recapableofsingingnotonlysongsthataretailormadeforyoubutalsoclassics,"
hetoldme.
Hehadmesing"Bozo"inaveryslowtempo,verysoberly,practicallywithoutgestures.Andwepracticedittogether
forseveraldays.
"Thinkofhim,"hetoldme."ThinkofBozo.He'sapoornutwholovesagirlwhodoesn'texist."
ButactuallyIjustthoughtofmyself.Iwantedtoloveandbeloved.ButIwasalone,apoorlovelessnutcase,likeBozo.
WhenIfinishedmysongtheeveningoftheinauguration,atearrolleddownmycheekandIdidn'tbothertowipeitaway.
Thenextdaythecriticswerefullofpraiseandfranklyastonished,allofthemsayingI'dsungwithagreatsenseofinner
meaning.OfcourseIdid:Iwassingingmylife,mypain.Bozowasme.
Afewdayslater,attheAdisqawardsceremony,IwonfourFelixawards,includingbestnewstaroftheyearandbest
female performance of the year. The Felixes are to Quebec what the Victoires de la Musique are to France and the
GrammiestotheUnitedStates.AdisqistheAssociationofRecordingandPerformingIndustriesinQuebec.
IcriedalotwhenIwentuptoacceptmyfirstaward,andevenmorethesecondandthird.Whatathrill!
ButwhenIheardmynamethefourthtime,theentirehousewasseizedbyafitofgiggling.AndIbegantosoband
hiccupintheaisleleadingtothestage.
Thenextday,themainpaperofQuebecshowedmyfaceswollenwithtearsandallpuffyfromsobbing.
Alotofgirlsaremovedtotearswhentheywalkuptoreceiveaprize,butIthinkIholdtheabsolutecryingrecord.For
twoorthree
[103]
years,mycryingjagswerethedelightofcriticsandcommentatorsinQuebec.SeveraltimesIwasthebuttofhilarious
imitationsintheendoftheyeartelevisionrevues.
Ihadtoexercisecontrolovermyemotions.Ratherthanwastethemincryingandhiccuping,Ihadtoputtheminmy
voice,inmysongs.IfIcriedtoomuch,Iwouldn'tbeabletosing,I'dlosecontrolofmyvoice.
Butnothingmovesmeasmuchasanovation.Eventoday,whenIseeacrowdstanduptoapplaudanartistorathlete
whohasjustgivenafineperformance,Iautomaticallystarttocry.Onafewoccasions,Ididn'tsucceedingettingcontrol
ofmyselfandmisseddoingthenextsong.
Itisdifficulttosingwhilecrying.I'vehadtoworklongandhardtochannelmyemotionsandholdbackmytears.It's
gruelingwork.You'vegottomanagetosmile,toaccepttheapplauseandtheovationsgratefullyandpreventyourthroat
fromtrembling,squeezeyoureyesshutonthattearthatthreatenstoflow.
Fromtheverybeginning,whenRenebegantolookafterme,hegotintothehabitofsittingintheaudiencetowatchallmy
shows.He'dalwaysdoneit.Heneverstayedinthewings,likealotofmanagers.
Afterwardhe'dcomeintomydressingroomormyhotelroomandtellmymotherandmewhathadhappened,songby
song,duringmyshow.
"HonesttoGod,heactsasifIhadn'tbeenthere,"I'dsay."He'sgivingmeablowbyblowdescriptionofwhat/justdid
andwhat/justsaid!"
ButIlovedlisteningtohisaccounts.Andsoon,Icouldn'tdowithoutthem.Usually,thesecommentariestooklessthan
ahalf
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hour.ThenRenestooduphe'dkissmymotherandmeonbothcheeksandleaveustoourselvesafterunfailinglyasking
mymothereveryeveningifeverythingwasinorder,ifwewereeatingwell,ifthebedswerecomfortable,ifeveryoneon
thestaffofthehotelandtherestauranthadbeennicetous,etc.
I'dgotobedwithmycheekssoftlytinglingandwithalittleofhiscologneonmyskin.He'dleavetomeethisfriends.
WhetherwewereinChicoutimiorVald'OrinQuebec,orinOttawa,healwayshadsomepeopletomeet.Hewouldplay
cardsorgoseeashowatanightclub.HelivedinamysteriousworldthatIdreamedofentering,aworldthatseemedvery
glamorousandexciting.ButIwasjustfifteenorsixteenyearsold,andIhadn'tevenlostmybabyteeth,asmymother
usedtosay.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,IwashidingsomethingfromMaman,hidingmybuddingloveforRene.Imusthavetold
heratleastahundredtimesthathewasdeartomyheart,butIneverdaredtellherthatIdreamedofhimeverynight:how
hewouldcometomybedtogetmeandtakemeawaytoadesertislandwherewemadelove.Inevertoldheraboutthe
torridmoviesthathewasstarringinmoreandmoreoften.
I'dfoundwhereIdon'tknowaphotoofhimthatIgazedatathousandtimesadaywithoutmymotherknowingand
thatIcoveredwithkissesatnight,inmybed.Irubbeditagainstmycheek.Itslippedontomynecklikeakissandslid
onto my shoulders. Before I fell asleep, I slipped it under the pillow, out of fear that my mother, who always shared a
roomwithme,wouldfindit.
Onemorning,Iwokeupwiththephotoofmyloveonthepillow,infullview,nexttomyhead.Mymotherhadalready
gottenup,washed,dressed,andevenopenedthecurtains.Shemusthaveseenthephoto.Iwasscaredstiffthatshe'dtalk
toReneaboutit,thatshe'dtellhimthatIhadacrushonhimandthathe'dbetterbecare
[105]
fulwithmeifhedidn'twantanytroublefromher.Andthatitwouldbebestformetogetoveritassoonaspossible.
Ifshe'dseenthatpreciousphoto,shemustnothavebelievedtherecouldbeanythingseriousbetweenReneandme.I
understoodher.Rene'sheadandheartweresomewhereelse.
AssoonasIleftthestageandworkwasover,hedidn'tseeme.ItwasasifInolongerexisted.Inhiseyes,Iturned
backintoanordinarylittlegirlwhowasn'tverypretty,withinordinatelylongandprominentcanines(somehumorists
hadnicknamedmeDracula),bushyeyebrows,toolongafacestillencumberedbybabyfat,withabignoseandlipsthat
weretoothin.
Ifheeverspoketomeinapersonalway,itwasaboutwhatIwasonstageandTV,aboutCelineDionthesinger,never
aboutmeinreallife.
Andso,IneverwantedtoleavethestagebecauseitwastheonlyplaceIfeltIexistedforhim.
Probablyitwashiswatchingmethatstartedtomakemelovebeingonstageorinfrontofthecamerasoreveninthe
recordingstudio,singing.Justtofascinatehimmore.
Isaythatnow,butInolongerreallyknowwhatwentthroughtheheadoftheteenagerIwas.Idon'tevenknowany
longerhoworwhenmyloveforRenebegan,whenhisholdonmyemotionsbecametooobvioustoignore.
SometimesIsawhimstandingsoattentivelyintheshadows,intheaudiencethatwaswatchingmeandapplaudingor
gaping.AndeachtimeitwasmagicIsangforhimsothathe'dthinkIwasgood,sothathe'dtellmeagainandagain,
"You'rethebest."AndsoIcouldmakethetearscometohiseyes.
Iwassixteen.Inolongerknewhowtogetoverhim.Iwasalreadyhopelesslyinlove.
4
Tbetheopeningactforashowisaformativeandnecessaryexperience.Everyoneknowsthat.Butit'salsoaverypainfullessonthat
demandsalotofenergyaswellasagooddoseofhumility.Theaudiencehascometoseeandhearthebigstar,thenameatthetopof
theposterhowinterestedcouldtheybeinthelittlesingerwhotriestowinthemoverwithhersentimentalballadsandbetweensong
patteraboutherchildhoodandherdreams.Sometimestheaudiencedoesn'tevenlistenatall.Theygetup,talk,laugh,readaprogram,
orjustaren'tthere.
It'satoughlesson!
Inthefallofmysixteenthyear,forfiveweeks,IwasanopenerforPatrickSebastien'sshowattheOlympiainParis.Iwasstartingto
dowellontheFrenchpopmusicsceneandwasnolongeratotalunknowninFrance.Severalofmysongshadreceivedalotofradio
airplay,I'ddoneseveralimportantTVshows,whichhadn'tpassedunnoticed,butIstillhadn'tprovenmyselfontheParisianstage.
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[107]
Quebecwasanotherstory,adonedeal.InthepastWeeksI'dappearedintwoverybigoutdoorshowsinfrontoftensofthousandsof
people.ThefirstwasinQuebec'sVieuxPort,wherewecelebratedthe450thanniversaryofthediscoveryofCanadabyJacquesCarrier.
I had sung, oneAugust evening, with about thirty extraordinary musicians and chorus members. The weather was lovely. It was a
magical,magnificentevening,whichneverthelessmanagedtoturnintooneofthefunniestsituationsyoucanimagine.
WhenIapproachedthefloatingstage,Inoticedthatmillionsofmayflies,attractedbythelights,werecirclingthemusicians.Isoon
hadsomeinmyhair,nose,ears,eyes,andmouth.Icouldfeelthembuzzingundermyskirt,ticklingmylegs.
Severaltimes,tokeepfromchoking,andbecauseIreallycouldn'tspitinfrontoffiftythousandpeople,Ihadtoswallowtheinsects
thathadflownintomymouth.IcouldseemysistersClaudette,Denise,Pauline,Louise,Ghislaine,Dada,andManonsittinginthevery
firstrow,horrifiedyetdoubledoverwithlaughterastheywatchedmeswallowandreturntomysongasifnothingoutoftheordinary
werehappening.
Itwasharderformetokeepfromlaughingthanitwastokeepfromretching.AndIcouldn'tlookatmysistersanymore,forfearof
burstingoutlaughingifmyeyesmetthoseofGhislaineorDada,withwhomI'dalwayslovedtolaugh.
Twoorthreeweekslater,inSeptember,whenthepopecametoMontreal,IsangattheOlympicStadiumofMontreal,whichwas
packed. Before Canadian,American, and French TV cameras, we narrowly missed being part of a big disaster. Instead, we got to
witnessandbepartofareallivemiracle.
Itwastheendoftheafternoononawindy,rainyday.Anhourbeforetheceremonies,theweatherforecasterspredictedtheworst.
Butwhentheemcee,MichelJasmin,who'dhadmeonhistalkshow
the first time I appeared onTV, stepped up to the podium, the sky suddenly changed.A gust of wind chased away the
clouds.AndattheverymomentwhenMichelsaidmyname,sunlightfilledthestadium.BeforeIevenopenedmymouth,
thecrowdbegantoshoutandapplaud.
WhileIsang"UneColombe"("ADove"),asongwrittenfortheoccasion,twothousandyoungpeopleinthestadium
heldupwhitebanners,formingagiantdovethatslowlyflappeditswings.Itwasmagnificent,trulygrand,deeplymoving.
Ifinishedmysong,weepingheavilybecauseoftheglaringsun,becauseofthepope,thedove,andthecrowd.
AtthetimeIstilldidn'tknowhowtoholdbackmytears,despiteallmyefforts.ButIsomehowmanagedtocrywhile
singing(orsingwhilecrying)withoutmyvoicebreakingorquavering.Thatshowedmarkedprogress.
For me, these big shows at the VieuxPort in Quebec and at the Olympic Stadium in Montreal weren't really
challenges, like the one I was about to participate in at the Olympia. I certainly had a major case of stage fright as I
walked onstage in Quebec. But I knew that I'd triumph over my fears. After a few minutes, the stage fright would
disappearandI'dreallystartenjoyingmyself.
AttheOlympia,ontheotherhand,itwasawholenewballgame.Ihadtoprovemyself.
Patrick Sebastien and I belonged to two totally different universes. There was little chance that our audiences
overlapped.Patricktoldspicystoriestoarowdyaudiencethatwasloudandeagertolaugh.They'dcometotheOlympia
forakneeslappinggoodtime.Ilikedtomakepeoplelaugh,butnotreallyinthesamewayashedid.
Renewarnedme.And,asusual,hetooktheopportunitytoraisetheanteashighaspossible.
"Obviously,thisisn'tyouraudience,"hesaid."Butyoucanbesure
[109]
thathereandthereinthehouseareafewspectatorswho'llwanttohearyou.Who'lllikewhatyoudoandwillhelpyou.
Butdon'tworryaboutthemtoomuch.Firstandforemostsingfortheoneswhoaren'tlistening,forthosewhoaren'tatall
interestedinyou.Pickthemoutonebyoneifyouhaveto..."
Ihadneverhadtofightforanythinginmylife.Certainlynottoattracttheattentionofothers.Moreliketheopposite.
ButbecauseofRene,becausehewanteditandrequiredit,Ispenteveryeveningfightingforfiveweeks.Inearlywent
hoarse I tried so hard. It was tough, difficult, and draining. But each night it was a victory. Not necessarily over the
audience,butovermyself,myfears.
WhenIwaslittle,myfathertoldus:"Ifyou'reafraidofit,doit.Beginbydoingwhatyouleastwanttodo."
SoIaimedstraightformyfearsIsangfortheaudiencememberswhodidn'twanttohearme,andwhomadeitclear
bytalkinginloudvoicesuntilitwastimeforPatrickSebastientotakemyplace.
Someevenings,however,Ireallymadecontactwiththeaudience.Thesesuddenturnaroundsremainamongthemost
beautifulexperiencesI'veknownonstage.Itwouldonlylastafewseconds.Allofasuddenpeoplestoppedtalkingand
begantolisten,withoutmoving.Itwaslikethecalmafterastorm.Andwhenmysongwasfinished,theyapplaudedand
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shouted bravo.Was it because they'd really been enchanted and moved by the little Canadian singer? Or because they
wereimpressedbyherwill,hernerve.Itdoesn'treallymatter.Fromthenon,theyknewIexisted.Andatthetimethat
waswhatcountedforme.Theyneverwentwild.ButatleastIknewthatforaminuteortwo,I'dputeverybodyonthe
samewavelength.
ProbablyIneverwouldhavesucceededatthis,evenifI'dtriedwithallmystrengthanddetermination,ifRenehadn't
beeninthehouse,inback,somewhereinthedarkness.Nomatterhowmanytimeshetoldmethatyoudon'tpreachtothe
converted,allchat
reallymatteredforhimwasthatIwassingingandstrugglingwiththataudienceandwithmyfears.
MystintattheOlympiaasanopeningactremainsanunforgettableexperienceforme.Idon'tthinkitmarkedaturning
pointinmycareer.Butduringthosefiveweeks,Ichangeddeeply,Ilearned,and,evenmore,IrealizedthatIhadgrown
up.
Ayearearlier,whenwewereputtingtogether"LesCheminsdemamaison,"Eddyhadtoldmethatitwouldbeaswan
songformychildhood.Andthatfallin Paris,asIstruggledwithanindifferentaudienceattheOlympia,Ifeltthatmy
childhoodactuallywasveryfarbehindme.
I'dbecomeayoungwomanwhocouldplayhardball,whowasbecomingbetterandbetteratcontrollingheremotions,
capable above all of not giving up, not turning her back on fame and success. It wasn't easy.To accept success is in a
certainwaytoacceptthefactthatyoumustleavebehindthoseyoulove,brothersandsisterswhodidn'thaveachanceof
makingit.
Iwasonlysixteen,Ididn'treallyunderstandthatfearofcausingpainorbetrayingothers,orevenofbeingtakenfora
swelledhead,butIfeltit.AndthankstoRene,IknewthatIcouldn'tletitgettome,thatIhadtovanquishthatfearlike
alltheothers.
I had to harden myself in a way. Like a boxer, or any kind of athlete who builds up his muscles, who works at
developing his endurance.At the same time, I had to remain a sensitive artist, capable of feeling and expressing the
emotionofasong.Iwasdiscoveringthatitwasnecessarytofightnotonlyonstagebutalsoinlife.
RightbeforemyeyeswastheexampleofmynieceKarine,whomIoftenwenttoseewhenIwasinMontreal.Shetoowas
fighting. Every day. Desperately.And despite all the care her mother, Liette, surrounded her with, she grew sicker and
sicker,
[111]
gravelyso,murderedagainandagaineverydaybycysticfibrosis.Shewastheonewho'dinspiredEddytowritethetitle
songofmylastalbum,"Melanie."
IoweKarinealot.Thoughshecertainlydidn'twantto,sheopenedmyeyestothesaddestrealitiesoflife.Atthetime,I
neverreadthenewspapersorwatchedthenewsonTV.Ilivedinthesealedoffuniverseofshowbusiness.Justbyher
presence,Karineconstantlyremindedmethatinthisworldthereissuffering,misery,andinjustice.Andremindedmeas
wellofaninsolublemysterythattroubledmeendlesslyoncertaindaysandforwhichIwillneverfindtheanswer:"Why
herandnotme?Whydoestheworldandlifehavetobesounjust?"
I'llneverhavetheanswertothesequestions.
Iwasworkinghard."Yougetnothingfornothing,"asmymotherwouldsay.Iagreedcompletely.ButIwasalways
winning,everywhere.MaybeIdidn'tknowlove,asIsowouldhavewanted,butIhadmyhealth,wealth,andfame.One
ofmysongswasregularlyclimbingtothetopoftheQuebecoischarts.MycareerinFrancewasmorethanpromising.A
hostofcompetentpeopletookcareofme,advisedme.Ihadafanclub,awardrobefullofglamorousclothes.Itraveled,
sangonebyone,Iwasrealizingallmydreams.
Karine was waging a lost war and she knew it. We all knew it. No matter what she or we tried, she'd end up with
nothing.Oralmostnothing.Justatooshortlifefilledwithconstantsuffering.Theonlyhope,anditwasaslightone,lay
inscientificresearch.
Forseveralyears,IwasthesponsorforthefundraisingcampaignfortheCysticFibrosisAssociationinQuebec.Like
all the members of my family, I closely followed the discoveries of researchers whose work had been funded by the
organizationmoreorlessallovertheworld.Butthelifeexpectancyofachildwithcysticfibrosiswhichtodayisthirty
yearswasonlyaboutfifteeninthemideighties.
Karine,ateight,wasalreadyinthemiddleofherlife,halfway
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throughherjourneyonthisearth.Andshecontinuedtofightwithallherstrength.Lietteaswell.Asiftheyreallybelievedtheycould
beatthisillness.
That summer, I got to know a professional athlete, Sylvie Bernier, who at twenty had just won a gold medal for diving at the
OlympicsinLosAngeles.Wesaweachotheronlyabouthalfadozentimes,andneverforverylong,buttheintuitivebondandmutual
understanding between us was always very strong. I felt like we'd always known each other. I discovered some disconcerting
resemblancesbetweenus,notphysically,butinoursoulsweweresisters,twopeoplewhoreallyconnected,whowerealwaysonthe
samewavelength.
ShehadKarine'sblueeyes.AndlikeKarine,shewasverykindwithothers.Andveryhardonherselfverydisciplined,strong.
Attwenty,Sylviewasamaturewoman,verysureofherself,verythoughtful.Sheknewherownskills,herstrengthsandlimits.Like
alltopathletes,shehadastrengthofcharacterandapowerofconcentrationthatwerebeyondtheordinary.Shetoohadbeenfighting
everyday,foryears.Withouteverlettingup.LikeKarine.ButSylviehadreachedthestars.She'dwon.AndKarinedreamedofmeeting
her.
SylvieandItalkedaboutourtraining,thedietswefollowed,ourtricksforfightingstagefright,howwepreparedforapublicevent,
foranordeal.AndIrealized,asIthinkshedid,thatourprofessionshadalotincommon.WithherIfoundoutabouttheterriblelifeled
bygreatathletes,alifemadeofperseveranceandsolitude.
Shetoldmehowshepreparedforacompetition,bydoingherdiveahundredthousandtimesinherhead,afterhavingdoneita
hundred thousand times in the air. She practiced every somersault and twirl to perfection. Maybe even beyond perfection. Before a
concertorarecording,Ididexactlythesamething,ahundredthousandtimesinmyhead.
KarineespeciallywantedtoknowhowSylvietrained,andifshe
[113]
evergotdiscouragedonsomedays.Ifshe'deverhadadesiretojustgiveup.
I'dneverbeeninterestedinsports.Asidefromgolf.ButafterImetSylvieIfeltaclosenesstoathletes.AndIoftenfeltthatIhad
infinitelymoreincommonwiththemthanIhadwithalotofshowbusinesspeople.Ilikeathletes'mindset,theirtemperament,their
determination,theirdesiretowin,andsomethingelse,somethinghardtodefinethatyoucouldcallpurityofaction,effort,andideals.
Renewasasclosetotheworldofsportsandathletesashewastothatofshowbusiness.Actually,forhim,therewasnodifference
betweenthetwoworlds.Fortwoweeks,frommorningtoevening,he'dfolloweverycompetitionattheOlympicgamesinLosAngeles.
Heknewthenamesofallthestarathletes.Hetoldusindetailabouttheirfeats,evenifwe'djustseenthemonTV.He'dalwaysspot
something we'd missed, a look of complicity between a trainer and an athlete, fear in someone's eyes, a premonition of victory in
another's.
HesometimestoldreportersthatIwastrainingmyselflikeanOlympicathlete.HetoldthemhowIpracticedmysongsinmyhead,
andsaidthatasinger,likeanathlete,hastotraineverydaysothathervocalcordsstayinshape.Andhemadethemlaughbymaking
hisvoiceashoarseandscratchyaspossiblewhilesaying:"Seewhathappenswhenyoudon'ttrain?"
Renehadn'tsungsincehewasintheBaronets,who'dbrokenupfifteenyearsbefore.Andhisalreadyhuskyvoicehadbecomeeven
huskier.
Ashortwhileaftertheholidays,hardlyamonthaftermyfiveweeksatthe Olympia,IstartedonalongtourofQuebec.Renecre
atedaprogramwithMiaandEddyandhaditprintedup.ItshowedmewithSylvietheshiningathleteandKarinethehaggardchild.
Twosoulsisters,twowarriors,whohadhadaprofoundeffectonme,andfromwhomI'dlearnedalot.
IcelebratedmyseventeenthbirthdayonthestageofaliberalartsschoolinVald'Or,inAbitibiinQuebec.Wewereright
inthemiddleofatour,thefirstreallybigtourofmylife,whichhadalreadysentusfromoneendofQuebectotheother,
throughouteasternandnorthernOntario,andintoNewBrunswick.Thereseemedtobenoendtoit.Wedidn'twantitto
end,weweresoinagroove,soexcited.
Ourshowgotlargereverydayandthetourwasextended,addingonecityafteranother.Wecausedastirbeforewe
arrivedandafterweleft.Weweresoldouteverywhere.
IhadacompletelyneworchestradirectedbyPaulBaillargeon,who'dcomposedthemusicfor"LaColombe,"which
had become an enormous hit in Quebec. I worked out the content of the show with Rene, Paul, and Eddy. I sang a
mishmashofallkindsofsongsthatIliked,inallsortsofgenres.
"Thisisyourfirstrealtour,"Renehadsaid."Youhavetopresentthemwiththecompletemenuofyourtalent."
SoIdidrock,lullabies,opera,blues...IsangGiraud's"MamyBlue,"FelixLeclerc's"LeTraindunord,"oldclassics
like "Over the Rainbow," my eternal "What a Feeling." I also sang an aria from Bizet's Carmen.And "UpWhereWe
Belong"induetwithPaul,whosevoicesoundedalotlikeJoeCocker's.EddyhadintroducedmetothemusicofMichel
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Legrand, who was a friend of his, and he put together a medley of his songs that I adored. Of course, I also sang my
biggesthits,like"Cen'etaitqu'unreve"and"D'Amouroud'amitie."
Butthesesongsweren'talwayssoeasytoperform.Tosingthesamesongforthehundredthtime,puttingyourheart
andsoulinto
[115]
it,evenasongthatyoucherish,demandsapowerofconcentrationthatIdidn'talwayshave.
Withoutrealizingit,Iwouldputmyselfonautomaticpilot,andletmysongwanderoffbyitself.Renenoticeditevery
time.Intheanalyseshemadeformeaftertheshow,heremindedmethatIlackedconcentrationandpresenceinmybest
knownsongs.Thesesongsbecamethemostdifficulttosingandtolivein.
"You'vegottofightagainsthabitandroutine.It'spartofyourprofession."
Renewatchedovereverything,fromthestagedirectiontothescenery,fromthemusicalarrangementstothelighting,
theorderofsongs,evenmyclothingandhairstyle.Heworkedonmytransitionalmaterialbetweensongs,sometimeseven
onwhatIwouldsaytoreportersortheposestostrikeforthephotographers.Quiteoftenduringthetour,hetookchargeof
thedirectionandthelighting,posters,andpublicity.
Andalmosteveryevening,heplayedcardswiththemusiciansandtechnicians.He'dperfectedasystem,heclaimed,for
winningallthetimeatblackjack.Hetoldeverybodyaboutit.Evenme,whowasn'tatallinterestedingambling.Hehada
greenfeltmat,somechips,everythingneededforacardgame.Hecouldplaythroughpartofthenight.Hewasthrilledby
his system, on which he put the finishing touches by using the people who accompanied us or friends who sometimes
joinedus.
Healsotoldusabouthistheoryofpatterns.
"Ingambling,justasinlife,therearepatterns,"hesaid."Abadeventnevercomesaloneneitherdoesavictoryora
defeat.Youhavetokeeptrackofthepatterns.Betheavywhenyouhaveachanceofwinning.Andwithdraw,pullback,
whenyou'reindanger,unlucky."
"Buthowdoyouknowwhenyou'reinluck?"
"Youfeelit.Whenluckiswithyou,youcanreallyfeelit."
Mycareerandgamblingoccupiedhimmoreeveryday.Atonepoint,afewweeksintoourtour,hiswife,AnneRenee,
hadhadenoughandthreatenedtoleavehim.
WewereintheGaspepeninsulaatthetime,aboutsevenhundredmilesfromMontreal.That night Rene returned all
alonetothecity.Thetourwasinterrupted.Andforseveralweeks,Ibarelysawhim.Obviouslyhewasworkingtorepair
thedamage.Ifellintotheworststateofinactivity.Withouthimtomotivateandinspireme,Ihadnodesiretodomyvoice
exercises,topracticeandkeepinshape.Itwasthecoldestanddarkestofwinters.Istayedatmyparents'withoutgoing
out,justsleeping,watchingTV,waiting.
My close friends Eddy and Mia, who came by to see me from time to time, were about to make some troubling
revelations about Rene. Since he'd begun to work on my career, four years earlier, he'd never let on that he had any
financial,romantic,orfamilyproblems.He'dalwayskeptmeinanivorytower,awayfromalldangerandanyworrisome
subjectotherthandealingwithamikeoranaudience.Inotherwords,I'dbeenaspoiledandoverprotectedartist,without
theleastmaterialworry,theleastfinancialstress.Iwasseventeenfouryearsintomycareerandhadneverthoughtthata
particularproject(ashow,recording,ortrip)wasimpossiblebecauseofmoney.Ilivedwithoutconsiderationofabudget.
DuringthattimeIreadaboutthelivesofartistsinmagazinesandwatchedthemrecountedonTVwithouteverfinding
anexamplecomparabletomyself.IneverheardthemtalkaboutanartistStreisand,Piaf,orTinaTurnerwhohadbeen
thisshelteredandprotected,andwhoatthebeginninghadbeenfreeofallmaterialworries.Renehadtakeneverythingon
himselfwithouteverlettinghimselfappeartheleastworried.NeverinmylifewouldIhavebelieved,forexample,that
he'dhadtoborrowlargesumsandthathe'dalreadydeclaredbankruptcy.Becauseofme.
Duringthisentiretime,I'dlivedlikeaprincess.I'dboughtabig
[117]
houseinDuvernayintowhichI'dmovedwithmyparents.Ihadacar,furs,jewels,everythingIwantedandmore.
Then,twoyearsafterthefact,Isuddenlylearnedthathe'dhadtomortgagehisownhousetofinanceoneofmyalbums,
andratherthanpayingbackthemortgage,he'dreinvestedalltheprofitsinproducinganotheralbum.Theyearbefore,he'd
chosentofileforbankruptcyratherthanaccepttheveryinterestingfinancialofferofapromoterwhowantedtoproducea
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big tour with me. He thought that I wasn't ready and that I hadn't yet developed a broad enough or original enough
repertoire.
IcouldunderstandwhyAnneReneehadhadenoughofit.Reneprobablyhadn'tbeenthemostfaithfulandattentive
husbandonearth.Andhegambledalot.Hisnumeroustripsto LasVegasandAtlanticCity were sometimes disastrous,
sometimesgreatsuccesses.Hewonalotofmoney.Andhesquanderedhismoneyasifitwereaninexhaustibleresource.
Eddy told me that Rene had always acted like a millionaire then, after he really did become one, his habits merely
stayedthesame.
But at the time, besides gambling, I certainly was part of his problems. In any case, I was hoping to take some
responsibilityforthem.
AnneRenee,who'dbeenveryclosetomeatthebeginning,hadgraduallygrowndistant.Shenolongercametoseemy
shows,evenwhentheywereintheMontrealarea.Deepdowninside,Iwasveryhappyaboutthis.LessandlesscouldI
hide from myself the fact that I was in love with Rene I had all the symptoms.And seeing the two of them together
depressedme.Despitemyself,Iwouldsulk.Idon'tthinkIgaveagoodperformancewhenshewasthere.
I had no doubt after Eddy's revelations that I was now the center of ReneAngelil's life. He'd sacrificed and risked
everythingforme.Evenifhisfirstinterestinmehadbeenasagambler,hemusthavereallybelievedinme,believedthat
Iwasasurething,tohaveinvestedallthathehad,allhistimeandmoney.
WhenwewentbacktotheQuebectour,Iknewthingswouldneverbethesamebetweenus.Icouldn'tpreventmyself
fromthinkingofeverythinghe'ddoneforme,ofeverythingIrepresentedforhim,ofwhatI'dchangedinhislifeandthe
enormousimportanceIhadforhim.AndIlookedathiminacompletelydifferentway.IwasintimidatedasI'dneverbeen
before.Iwaswaitingforhimtospeaktomeabouthislife.Ithoughthe'dknowhowtoestablishadifferent,moreadult
relationshipbetweenus.
But to my great confusion, his attitude hadn't changed in any way. He never told me what sort of arrangement he'd
madewithAnneRenee.Butitseemedobvioustomethatshecouldn'tbeveryhappyabouthimtakingoffontourand
spendinghisdaysandnightsinthestudiooronthetelephonewithproducers,writers,composers,musicians,allinthe
nameofasinglegoal:tomakemeastar,abigstar.
HestillcameintoourroomeveryeveningandreviewedforMamanandmetheshowthatI'djustgiven,songbysong.
EveryeveninghetoldmethatI'ddonewell,buthealwayshadsomecomment,itwasneverperfect,Ialwayshadtodo
betterortrytodobetterthenexttime...AcertainnoteIhadtosinglouderandholdlongeragestureIneededtodoless
oftenmaybeIneededtochangethekeyofsuchandsuchasong.
Dobetter,bebetter.EacheveninghepersuadedmethatIcould.Hegavemetheinclination,thedesire,andtheneedto
surpassmyself.Then,afterhavinguppedtheantealittlehigher,alwaysalittlehigher,hesaidgoodnighttoMamanand
me,toldustosleepwell,andgavemetwopecksonthecheek.AsifIwerestillthirteenyearsold.Andthenhewentout
tolivehislife.Withoutme.
EverybodyinmyfamilyhadbeensuspectingforalongtimethatIwasinlovewithRene.Unconsciously,I'ddoneevery
[119]
thingtogiveitaway.EvenbeforeIrealizedthatIwasinlove,alotofpeople,intherecordingstudios,ontelevisionsets,
orintheauditoriumswhereIperformed,understoodthatsomethingwashappeningbetweenReneandme.Ihadeyes,
ears, smiles, thoughts only for him. Whatever he said I took as gospel. I couldn't spend a quarter of an hour without
mentioninghisname.Ifhewasn'taround,Ilookedforhimeverywhereandwaitedforhim.
Atthebeginning,mymotherwasn'toverlyworried.ShefiguredthatIwasboundtogetoverit,thatsoonerorlaterI'd
meetaboyofmyownage,fallinlove,andgetmarried.
Weneverspokeopenlyaboutit,butIcouldsensemymotherwatchinglikeahawk,readytoprotectmeagainstwhat
shecouldonlyseeasanunrealistickindoflove.MeanwhileIcontinuedtogotosleepwithRene'sphotopressedtomy
cheek,againstmyneck.Iworeoutseveralofthem.SomedaysIfelthorriblyalone.Iwaslockedupallbymyselfinthis
loveaboutwhichIcouldn'tspeaktoanyone.
AndIknewverywellthatIwouldn'tgetoverit.Iwasarealwoman,hadbecomeawoman,I'dbeeighteensoon,andI
wantedRenetotakemeinhisarms,tokissme,tomakelovetome.Forreal.
"Butmaybeheisn'tawareofitatall,"Itoldmyself."Maybehesimplyisn'tinterestedinme."
ItriedtounderstandwhyIlovedhimso.Ithoughthewashandsome.Ilovedhissofteyes,hisgestures,hisvoice,the
colorofhisskin,hishands,hiscologne,thequietstrengththatheexuded,hiscalmness,theauthoritythatheexercised
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overeveryone,evenovermyparents,evenovertheexecutivesattherecordcompanies.Ilovedhispassionforgambling,
andhislaugh,andhiswaysofanalyzingsituations,ofmakingandputtingintopracticedecisionsaboveallofcourse,I
lovedthewayhelookedatme,theconfidencehegaveme,andhishopesformyfuture.
IhadasurgeofhopewhenthetabloidssaidthatAnneReneehadaskedforadivorce,whichRenehadgranted.ButIquicklyrealized
thathewasdevastatedbywhatheconsideredamajorandirreparablefailureonhispart.
RenehadalwaysmanagedtomaintainahealthycontactwithDenise,themotherofhiseldestson,Patrick,whowaswithinseveral
weeksofmyage.ButwithAnneRenee,withwhomhe'dhadtwochildren,AnneMarieandJeanPierre,whowerethenonlyelevenand
eight years old, things didn't seem to be working out as easily. He believed that his children were going to suffer as a result of the
breakup.Later,Irealizedthatthiswasalmostexclusivelywhatwasbotheringhim,knowingthathischildrenwouldn'tknowthecomfort
ofastablehome.Ittookmesometimetorealizeit.Atthetime,Ibelievedthathewassufferingfrombeingabandonedbyawomanhe
still loved. "He still loves her," I told myself. "She can still cause him pain." I wanted so much for him to forget the pain of love. I
wantedtoconsolehim.Tohearhimsaythathelovedme,toknowthathewassufferingbecauseofme.
Iretreatedintomylittlemovies,whichIendlesslyscriptedformyself.Helovedme,butIignoredhim.Hewasunhappybecauseof
me.SometimesIwaseveninlovewithsomeoneelse.Hedideverythingtoseduceme.Iresistedhim.Andtheninonemagnificent
scene,Igavein.Iconsoledhim.Wemadelove,hetookmefar,faraway.
A great classic, to be watched over and over again! The most extraordinary part of all this was that rumors about us had begun to
circulate.FriendsorcolleaguessometimesaskedmybrothersorsistersiftherewassomethinggoingonbetweenReneandme.Andthe
rumorquicklyreachedthescandalsheets,whichsuggestedallkindsofpossibilities,andwhichtookopinionpollsonthesubjectfrom
theirreaders.Alotofpeoplesaidtheywereshocked
[121]
becauseofthedifferenceinouragesorthoughtthatRenehadabusedhisauthorityandpowerasmymanager.
Hehimselfnevermentionedtherumorscirculatingaroundus.ButlaterIknewthattheyhadtroubledhimdeeply.Andbecauseof
them,heandIlostsomeofthetimewecouldhavespentinlovealotofthattime.
Therumorscertainlydidn'tmakethingseasyforme.
Theywere,however,notunfounded.Atleasthalfofthem.More,perhaps.Ireallywastotallyinlove.Andhewastooinaway.I
knewit,feltit,sawit.Andaboveall,Iwantedit.
Whenweweretogether,hewascaptivated,fascinatedbyme.Hehadeyesonlyforme.Hetoocouldn'tstoplookingatme.Andwe
feltasifwewerealoneintheworld,eveniftwentypeoplewerearoundus.
Atthestudio,whenwelistenedtomyrecordings,oratarestaurant,whereweatealmosteveryday,inMontrealorParis,wewere
alwaysseatedsidebyside,veryclosetoeachother.Wetalkedtoeachotherwithoutbotheringwithotherpeople.Welaughedalot.
Quite often I'd lean right against him, I'd let my head fall on his shoulder. I told myself that other people would think that it was
completelyinnocent.Butitwasn't.IfeltasifRenewasparticipatinginthisgameandalsogettingalotofpleasureoutofit.Itwasclear
thathelikedbeingwithme.Helikedtotalktome,helovedme,Iwassureofit.
Buthefoughtit.
OnedayinParis,inarestaurantwewenttooften,IwasseatedattheendofthetableandwaitingforRenetositdownnexttome.
Butwhenhecameinwiththeothers,hepassedbyme,byhisusualplace,andwenttositattheotherendofthetable.Iwasshattered,
destroyed.Mylegsbegantotremble.Everythingcollapsedaroundme.
Itwasadrearymeal.Iobviouslycouldn'tswallowathing.Ikeptseekinghiseyes,whichavoidedme.Mymotherwassittingwithus
somewhere,sowasEddy,Mia,andsomeothers,composersandproducerswho'dbeenattherecordingsession.
Andtheneveryoneleft,leavingusalone.Hegotupandcametowardme.Heseemedtired.
"Comeon,"hetoldme."We'llwalkbacktogether."Ithoughthewasgoingtotellmesomethingterrible.IwasshakingsomuchIhad
difficultystandingup.Outside,heimmediatelytoldmewecouldn'tletourselvesbeseenthatwayanymore.Wehadtobreakoffthat
familiaritybetweenus.Ithinkhe'dpreparedaspeechandrehearsedit.Myheadwasspinning.Iwantedtositdownonthesidewalk.I
wanted him to go away, to leave me alone. I would have stayed there until the world ended or I would have kept walking until I
dropped.
"DidMamanaskyoutodothis?"Hedidn'tanswer.
SoIsaid:"Iknowthatyouloveme,ReneAngelil."Hedidn'tsayanything.Ithoughthewasgoingtocry."Ifyoudon'tloveme,Iwant
youtosayit.Tellme:'Celine,Idon'tloveyou.'Ifyoudon'tsayit,I'llneverbelieveyou.Ican'tbelieveyou.BecauseIknowthatyou
loveme,understandme.TellmeI'mwrongifyoucan."
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Hewasnevercapableoftellingmehedidn'tloveme.That'swhatkeptme,Ithink,fromcompletelyfallingapart.
Iknewhelovedme.Ifhe'dsaidhedidn't,Iwouldneverhavebelievedhim.AndIjustcouldn'tunderstandwhyhewasrefusingthe
loveIhadtooffer.Whyhewasrejectingmeandrejectingourhappiness.
Imyselfhadneverhadtheslightesthesitation.NotforafractionofasecondhadIeverthoughtofdoingharmtoanyone.Iknewhis
[123]
marriagetoAnneReneewasover.Notbecauseofme.Therewasnolongeranylovebetweenthemnow,eitheronRene'ssideoron
AnneRenee's.FinallyIrealizedhewastryingtopatchuphismarriageforthesakeofthechildren.AndIsaidtohim:"Doyoureally
thinkmakingyourselfunhappycanmakeyourchildrenhappy?"
Hedidn'tanswer.
"Yourhappinessiswithme,andyouknowit.Tellmeit'snot,ifyoucan."
Hewaswalkingnexttome.Buthewasfar,faraway.
Maman was waiting for me at the hotel. She knew perfectly well what had happened. She ran a bath for me. She helped me to
undress.Shepattedmelightlyonthebacklikeyoudoaterrified,griefstrickenbabythatyouwanttoconsole.Wedidn'tsayanything
toeachother.Ididn'tholdhersilenceagainsther.Ineverheldanythingagainsther.Shewasdoingwhatamotherhastodo.Shewas
watching over me. I was crying not just because of Rene but also because of her pain and worry, her fear of having to see my life
shattered.
MymotherheldReneresponsibleforthelovethatconsumedme.Shetuckedmeintobed,andbeforelettingmesleepshecameout
with:"Hecouldhavekeptthisfromhappening."
Iwantedtoanswerher:"Hewouldn'thavewantedtokeepitfromhappening,becausehelovesmetoo."
Butshewouldhaveanswered:"Didhetellyouthat?"
AndIwouldhavehadtoanswerno.Butinmyheart,therewasnodoubt.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,mymothercouldn'tanddidn'twanttofindasolutiontomyproblem.Worsethanthat,anddespiteher
self,she'dbecomeanobstacletomyhappiness.
Farfromsupportingmylove,shewantedtocuremeofit,shewantedmetoforgetRene.SheevengotangrywhenItalkedabout
him.Imusthavecausedheralotofpainbyremindingher,oneday,thatIwaseighteenyearsold.
"I'mnotaminor.Thisisafreecountry.NoonehastherighttopreventmefromlovingwhoeverIwantto."
She'dwrittenaterriblelettertoReneaccusinghimofbetrayinghertrust.Sayingshewantedaprinceforherprincess,
notatwicedivorcedmanwhowastwoandahalftimesolderthanherdaughter.
Butatthesametime,mymother,awomanofheart,knewthatyoucan'tstopaheartfromloving.Sheknewmewell
enoughtounderstandthatIwasn'tgoingtoletmyfeelingsforRenedrop.IhadwantedtobecomeagreatsingerandIwas
becomingone.IwantedthatmaninmylifeIwasgoingtoputasmuchstubbornnessandstrengthintogettinghimasI
hadputintomysinging.
Thatfall,attheAdisqgala,wewonfiveFelixesbestsong,bestshow,bestsinger,etc.Atriumph.I'venevercriedsomuch
inmywholelife.Sometearsofjoy,ofcourse.Butmorethanthat,tearsofsadness,adeepsadnessthatI'dfeltgrowingin
meforseveralmonths,theendofwhichwasnotinsight.
Professionally,Ihadeveryreasonintheworldtorejoice.Everythingwe'dtriedinthecourseofthatyearhadbeena
resoundingsuccess.ThetourhadendedbeautifullywiththreeshowsinthemainauditoriumatthePlacedesArtsbefore
acaptivatedpublicandthrilledcritics.
Butmyheartwasaching,broken.IwasinlovewithamanIcouldn'tlove,whodidn'twantmetolovehim,whodidn't
wanttoloveme.Evenworse,hedidn'twanttoseeorbelievethatIwasreallyinlovewithhim,despitealltheproofsI'd
givenhim.
"IloveyouandI'llloveyoumywholelife.Noonebutyou."
Meanwhile,Iwassurethathelovedme.Butthen,whywasheresistingme?Whydidheenjoymakingmesuffer?
[125]
Iwashavinghorribledoubts.Iftwodayswentbywithoutseeinghim,withouthearinghisvoiceorfeelinghimlooking
atme,IbegantobelievethatIwaslivinganillusion.Hedidn'tloveme,hadn'teverbelievedthatIreallylovedhim.
Ifhe'dlovedmeevenalittlebit,hewouldhaveseenthathiswife'srequestforadivorcewasadeliverance.Butinstead
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heseemeddevastated.Hissufferinganddistresswerekillingme.Hiseffortstosavehishomeappearedtomeasproof
thathedidnotloveme,thatIhadbeenmistakenabouthisfeelingsforme.
Bythebeginningofsummer,he'dalreadymadeupwithAnneRenee.Andthey'dstartedlivingtogetherasacouple.I
sankintomyownprivatehell.
It seemed clear that AnneRenee had demanded that he be at the house more often, because he abruptly stopped
spendingeveningsatourhouseortakingmyfather,mother,andmetorestaurants.Wesawhimnowonlywhentherewas
somespecificworktodo.
ThatsummerIrecordedanewalbum,C'estpourtoi(ThisIsforYou).Renewasthereatthesessions,buthedidn't
seemaltogetherpresentnorasexactingashe'dbeenbefore.Henolongersaidtome,"Youcandobetter,"or"Makeme
cry."
Becauseofthis,Idecidedthathewaslosinginterestinme,orworse,thathefeltIwouldn'tbeabletorespondtohis
demandsbecauseIseemedsosad.Apartfromthatassessment,Iconcoctedallkindsoftheories,onemoretwistedthanthe
next.
"HecanfeelmesufferingbecauseheknowsIlovehim.OrmaybeheseesthatI'msufferingbutdoesn'twanttoknow
thecause.Butifhedoesn't,thenhereallydoesn'tloveme.Maybeallthisboreshim,andhereallydoesn'twantmetolove
him.Maybehe'sbeentellinghimselfthatbecauseofthiswecan'tworktogether."
Thistime,ashedidbefore.Eddytoldthestoryofmylifeinthesongshewaswritingforme.He'dbeenobservingme.
Itwasobviousthathetoohadseeneverything,understoodeverything.He'dfound
thelyricsforhissongsdeepinsideme.What'smore,theyseemedsofamiliartomethatIonlyhadtoreadthemonceor
twicetolearnthembyheart.
Sometimesmywordssoundsobizarre
OnandontheygoaboutthethingsI'vefelt.
Thencomesyourlooktomakemypoorheartmelt.
SometimesIlaughjustalittletoomuch.
Youdon'tgetitatall.
Youlookatmeappalled.
Don'tasktoomanyquestions.
Theanswer'sinmyeyes.
Betweenusliesthereasonwhy.
Don'tmakemetellyoueverything,
'Causeyoualreadyknow.
EverythingIdotodayIdobecauseIloveyouso.
AsIsang,I'dtellmyself:"Hecan'tnotunderstand."Ispentmydaysandnightswonderingwhathewasthinking,where
hisheartwas,ifheknewthatIlovedhim,andhowhecouldignoreit,andifhestilllovedAnneRenee,iftheymadelove
togetheralot...
Forthefirsttimeinfiveyears,wehadnoupcomingprojectortour,noshowinFranceorQuebec,noTVappearances.We
madethealbumC'estpourtoialmostmechanically,withoutputtingmuchheartortimeintoitand without much hope
insideourselves.Whatismore,Renedidn'tseemtobeinahurrytoorganizethepublicitycampaignashehadbeeninthe
past.
It was because he had other projects in mind for me that he had been thinking about for a long time.One evening he
revealedthem
[127]
tome,afewdaysbeforetheAdisqawardceremonieswhereI'dtriumphedasthecryingmachinethatcouldn'tbeturned
off.
Hehaddecidedthatweweregoingtostopthingscold.
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"Forhowlong?"Iasked.
"Foraslongasittakes."
"Aslongaswhattakes?"
"Forourlucktoreturn."
"It'syourwifethat'sleftyou,notluck."
Helaughed.Ilikedhislaugh,evenwhenhesoundedsad.
Heremindedmeabouthistheoryofpatterns,aboutbadthingsnevercomingalone,aswellasvictoriesanddefeats.
Andthatyouneededtohideawayforawhile,takesometimeoff,notactwhenyouknewyouwereindanger,whenyou
knewyou'dmakesomefoolishmistakes.
"Atthemoment,asyoucansee,I'mgoingthroughabadperiod.Andinsteadofmakingmistakes,I'mgoingtostep
back.You'regoingtostopforafewmonthstooforafullyearifnecessary.Whenwestartagain,it'llbeinabigway,we'll
begoingfar,you'llsee."
Thedayafterthemusicawardceremonies,hewasgoingtoleave,unhappyinlove,happyinbusiness,forLasVegas,
where he'd spend the major part of the next year. It was great to have won five Felixes, but without him my arms felt
empty.Hehad,however,givenmesomehomeworktodo:learnEnglishandtakesomedancingandsingingclasses.
Well,hewasn'tabandoningme.Onthecontrary.Hewasaskingmetoprettymyselfup,togrow,tobecomestronger
thanIwas.Isawthisasapromiseofthefuture.IfhewassointerestedinhavingmelearnEnglish,itwasbecausehe'd
decidedtohavemerecordanalbumintheUnitedStates.Ifhewasimposingthishiatusonus,itwasbecausehehadsome
bigprojectsforusboth.AndIheldontothatidea.
"Tostart,we'regoingtofixyourteethandyou'regoingtochangeyourhairandyourlook.Thenyou'regoingtolistentoeverything
thatcomesoutallthemusic,allthenewsingers,eventhebadones."
IknewthatI'dbeapartfromhimforseveralmonths."Outofsight,outofmind."Iknewthatoutthere,inLasVegas,therewouldbe
otherwomen,otherpleasurestopreoccupyhim.Andthathewouldn'tbethinkingaboutmeverymuch.Maybenotatall,fordaysand
days,andfornights.
Istartedmakinguplittlehorrorfilmsformyself.Iimaginedhimatthecasinosurroundedbydazzlingredheadsorsexyblondesin
lowcutknockoutgowns.Blonde,redhead,orbrunetteIcouldalwaystryanewhaircolor.Asforthelowcutpart,Ihadtobecontent
withwhatnaturehadgivenmeandthatwasn'treallymuchofaknockout.
Noproblem,I'dworkouttherest.I'dtightenupthemusclesandlearntomovemyhipswhenIwalked.Allthingsconsidered,Iwas
thinlikemybrothersandsistersandfather,andthankstothatthinness,Icouldgetawaywithactingthepartofsupermodel.
Hewantedmetoprettymyselfup.Allright,I'ddoit.Iwasgoingtoleavebehindtheguiseofbashfulteenagerinloveandconfront
thislothariowithequalweapons.Whenhegotback,he'ddiscoverachangedwoman.Iwouldputallmycardsonthetable,andwhenhe
cameback,Iwasgoingtoknockhimout.
ButfornowIneededtogoitalone.That'swhyIhadcriedsomuchattheawardsceremony.Iwasgettingreadytobeginaperiodof
mylifethatterrifiedandthrilledmeatthesametime.IwasgoingtobreakthatwonderfulcontactI'destablishedwithmyaudience
duringthetour.Andaboveall,IwasgoingtobelivingfarfromthemanIloved.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Iwasfacinganimportantchallengealone.Iwasgoingtoundertakealargescaleprojectwithoutthesup
[129]
port or the advice of my brothers and sisters, my mother, or ReneAngelil. In fact, it would be my very first personal project as a
responsible,adultwoman:toseduceamantwentysixyearsolderthanme.
Whenmybelovedmanagercamebackforgood,I'dsingbetterthanever.I'dspeakEnglish.I'ddanceandmovegracefullyonstage.
He'dbepleased.ButIwasn'tcountingsolelyondoingthat.Aboveandbeyondanythingelse,Iwantedthechangesinmetogetmeto
theman.HewastheoneIwantedtoimpress,theoneIwasgoingtogoafterwithmynewlook,myperfectteeth,mynewhairstyleand
appearance.I'dhaveanew,provocativewayoflookingathim,abewitchingsmile,anairofmystery,alotofstrength,charm,andsex
appeal.Giveyourselfagoalandreachit,that'stheonlythingIwouldbelievein.Iwasgoingtotrainmyselfintheartofseduction,like
atopathlete,andsnagReneAngelilonceandforall.
Andso,Ienrolledinalanguageschoolforninehoursaday,fivedaysaweek,fortwomonths.Attimes,itwasanightmare.Istopped
understanding words in any human language at all. I started talking nonsense and all my ideas got mixed up.And then all at once,
everythingbecameclearandintelligible.IwatchedatalkshowinEnglishonTVandunderstoodalltheconversationforlongstretches.
Oralmostall.IdiscoveredanewmeaninginthesongsthatI'dknownsinceearlychildhood.
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Iquicklygotusedtolifeoutofthelimelight,butIwasworkingjustashard.Formonths,Iworebraces,whichmademelooklikeI
hadagiganticorthodonticscaffoldinmymouth.Icouldstillbeheardregularlyontheradio,butIwasn'tseenanywhere.Infact,after
thisperiod,Ineversawanyphotosofmethatdatedfromthattime,neverwiththebraces,inanycase.Iwasreallyoutofthelimelight.
Allkindsofrumorsbegancirculatinginthetabloids.I'dbecomeanun,IwasamissionaryinAfrica,I'dlostmyvoice.
. . The next day, I was pregnant three days later, I had just had twins I gave them up for adoption, one went to
Switzerland,theothertoCalifornia.
Duringthewinter,RenereturnedregularlytoQuebec,mostlytoseehischildren.Buthetoohadsomehomeworktodo.
He had decided to revamp our whole enterprise. He wanted to change everythingourrecordcompany,thedistribution
company,themusicians.Hewastalkingagainaboutbroadeningmyrepertoiretoattractabiggeraudience.Heespecially
wanted me to make an expensively produced record in English. So he was going to go into partnership with a
multinationalrecordcompany.HewasmeetingpeopleinToronto,NewYork,andLosAngelesandmakingplans.
Everytimewesaweachother,hetoldmestories,ashehadalwaysdone.Fromhim,IknewtheadventuresofElvisand
ColonelParker,BarbraStreisandandhermanagerMartyErlichman,andmanyothers.Butfromthistimeforward,his
storiestookplaceinthefutureandtheyfeaturedhimandmeastheheroes.HesawmewithintwoyearsontheJohnny
Carsonshow,inLasVegas,onBroadway.ThesedayshewastalkinglessaboutFrance.Heseemedtobeinterestedonlyin
theAmericanmarket.
Iwouldhavefollowedhimtotheendsoftheearth.
Andit'sagoodthingthatIwaswillingtogotosuchlengths,becauseintheend,that'swherehewasintendingtogo.
Finally,oneday,InoticedthatI'dgottenhimreallyflustered.Itwasalmostsummer,he'dcometogetmeatmyplaceinthetownof
DuvernaytotakemetoseeashowatthePlacedesArtsandmeetsomepeoplefromCBS,ournewrecordcompany.Duringhisabsence,
I'dchangedmyhairscyleandlook.Inolonger
[131]
hadthoseextralongcaninesthathadwonmethenameDracula.Iwaswearingshortsandacamisole,myshouldersand
thighs were bare and tanned. I love to get a tan. I had muscles too, because for several months I'd been taking dance
lessons.AddedtothatIhadasmilethatI'dpracticedforalongtime,thesmileofawomanwhowasverysureofherself.
Heremainedstandingonthedoorsteplookingatme,withoutsayingaword.Icouldalmostseehimreeling.Forthe
firsttime,Ifelthimlookingatmethewayamanwhodesiresawomanlooksather,notjustlookingatmethewayan
impresariolooksathisartist.I'dreallyflusteredhim,anditwassweeterandmoreintensethanithadeverbeeninmylittle
scenarios of unrequited love.An invisible shiver went through me from my head to my feet, the sensation of having
poweroveraman.Theseducerwasbeingseduced.
Itoldmyselfourrelationshipwasfinallychanging.Fromthenon,ReneAngelilwouldbenotonlymyimpresariobut
alsomyinspiration.
Starting with that day, he'd be involved on two levels of my life. He'd guide and manage my career, make all the
businessdecisions,choosemysongs.Songsthattoldaverysimplestory,thestoryofaverydeterminedgirlwhothirsted
forlove,wholovedamanshewantedtoseduce.HehadbecometheobjectofthelovethatIsangabout,hewastheman
ofmysongs.Howcouldhenotknowit?
Forquiteawhileafterthis,outofdecency,andalsooutoffearofpublicopinion,whichseemedunfavorabletohim,he
refusedtotakeonthisrole.
OnethingIwassureofatleast:Icouldgethimallflustered.Ifeltitinhislook.Sometimeswhilehewasspeakingto
me,hegotlostinhisthoughtsandhecouldn'tfindthethreadagain.
"NowwhatwasIsaying?"
Fromthenon,ItriedtoflusterhimeverychanceIgot.Iwantedto
surprisehim,shakehimup.Ibecameconfidentaboutmypower.OftenIstayedveryclosetohim,positionedsothathe
saw my bare shoulders or legsmy whole arsenal of weapons of seduction. And I was happy, a state of mind that is
practicallyaspowerfulassexappealwhenitcomestoseduction.
Weweren'tloversyet.Butwehadtohidesothatnoonecouldseeustogether.
Ilovedthesecretivenessandthekindofambiguitythiscreatedaroundus.Ifounditexcitingandextremelyromantic.
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People'slooks,theinnuendos,whateveryonearounduswaswondering.ReneandIfinallyhadasecretlife.AndIhadno
doubtthatonedayorotherwe'dbelovers.
AndIknewitwouldlastalifetime.
I don't know where my need or desire to experience a complete and absolute love came from. It was no longer a
fashionablethingtocrave,Iwellknew.ButI'veneverimaginedthatlovecouldbeanythingbutgrandandexclusive.I
wantedonlyonemanformyentirelife.IknewthatonedayitwouldbeRene.AndfromthenonIdidn'tholdback.That
lovebecamethemajorprojectofmylife.
TheonlythingthatupsetmewasthatIstillhadtolietomymother.Iconsoledmyselfbybelievingthatonedayshe'd
understandthatIwasserious.She'dacceptourlove.ThenI'dadmitallmylittleliestoher.
IneverknowhowtoanswerwhensomeoneasksmetodayhowI'dhavereactedifmymotherdemandedthatIbreak
off completely with Rene. Or rather, that I give up trying to seduce him. Actually, I never imagined such a thing
happening.Ifiguredthatshe'dtrytodissuademe,thatshe'dbeagainstit.Aswouldmyfather.Butnotforafractionofa
seconddidIthinkthattheycouldactinawayordemandsomethingthatwouldhavemademeunhappy.
Formyparents,aswellasforallmybrothersandsisters,Renewasaveryformidableandimpressivefigure.He'drealized
veryquickly
[133]
thatinordertoworkwithme,tohaveaprofessionalrelationshipwithme,he'dhavetohavethecompleteagreementofmy
family. Beginning with my mother. And with her he'd developed real ties of friendship. He consulted with her about
everything and listened to her opinions. I don't think he wanted to lose that mutual understanding it would have been
practicallyimpossibletomanagemycareerwithoutit.
My mother found herself in an untenable position. She was his ally in a professional sense, but she was also his
adversaryintheevolutionofourlovestory.Inordertocarryoutmyseduction,itwascrucialthatIconvincemymother
thatwhatIfeltwasmorethanjustthepassingfancyofayounggirl.
IrememberonecriticalmomentwhenIfoundthewordsandthetearsthatreallytouchedher.
Wewereathomeinthekitchen.Mamanwasbusypreparingdinner.Therewassomebodyelsewithus,maybePapa,or
oneofmybrothers.Isaid:"Whatyoudon'tunderstandisthatIlovehim,Ilovehim."
AndIburstintotears.
"It'strue.Ilovehimforreal.Forlife."
Mamanwipedherhandsonherapron.Shecametowardmeandtookmeverygentlyinherarms.Iputmyheadonher
shoulderandshesaid:"Ibelieveyou,mylittlegirl,Ibelieveyou."
Iunderstoodthenthatshewasnolongeropposedtomyproject.Maybeshewouldn'tgosofarastoencourageit,but
she had admitted that my passion for Rene was not just a passing phase.After that day, everything changed. Even my
voice,myheart,mywholelife.
Renewantedmetodomynextvideo,"Faiscequetuvoudras"(DoWhatYouWant),withFrancoisGirard,whowas
alreadyrecognizedinQuebecandinEnglishspeakingCanadaasoneofthemostbrilliantvideodirectors.
Hewasbarelyolderthanme,abouttwentyyearsold,buthehadawillofiron.HedemandedthatRenegivehimabsolutefreedom,
andobtainedit.Notonlyincomposingandeditingtheimageshewanted,butalsoinworkingonmyimage,myownlook.
"Iwantyoutobeasensual,sexygirl,"hetoldme.
Icouldn'thaveaskedforbetter.
ReneunderstoodthatFrancoiswasdoingfresh,originalthings.Thatwasthereasonhehadpursuedhim.Anditwasthereasonhe
hadgivenhimallthefreedomhewanted.Fromthenon,that'showRenewouldproceed.He'dfindcreativepeople,askthemtowork
withme,thengivethemallthetechnicalandfinancialmeansaswellasallthelatitudetheyneeded.
Afewdaysbeforetheshooting,FrancoistookmeshoppingforhoursinallthesecondhandclothingstoresandshopsI'dnevereven
setfootin.Hehadmetryonallsortsofthingsitneverwouldhaveoccurredtometotryon.
MiahadtakenmeafewtimestothegreatcouturiersofPans.She'dguidedmethroughthefascinatinguniverseoffashion.Now,
withFrancois,Idiscoveredthatyoucreatealookasifyou'reworkingonacanvas,orlikeyoucreateasong.Andthatthelookyou
chooseisalsoatool.Ittakesintoaccountthespiritofthetimes,oftheworldingeneral,anditsgeneralmood.And,ofcourse,ittakes
intoaccountyourownvision.
FrancoissawthatIwantedtoseduce,atanycost.That'swhatthesong"Faiscequetuvoudras"wassaying.Oncemore,Eddyhad
seenrightintomyheartwithastonishingclearness.He'dpenetratedmyheadandmyheart.
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I'llevenfight,
I'llbetmylife,
Mylastcardtokeepyou.
[135]
OfallthechangesandreenvisioningplansRenewasmaking,onethingdeeplybotheredhim.HewasafraidtohurtEddybyseeking
out young songwriters whose styles were more rock, more pop than his. I think Eddy definitely saw me as part of the tradition of
FrenchsingersMireilleMathieuorNanaMouskouri,whospecializedinballads.Hedidn'tseemeasapopsingerandevenlessasa
rocksinger.ButRenewantedmetobeapartofthatuniverse.
He especially wanted to work with Luc Plamondon, who was already the most innovative and visible lyricist in the francophone
world.He'dhadhitswithdozensofFrenchandQuebecoisperformers,includingCharlebois,DianeDufresne,andJulienClerc.And
withMichelBerger,he'dwrittenafabulousoperacalledStarmania,whichhadbeenhavingagoodrunforseveralyears.
Onedayinthefall,PlamondoninvitedustohisplaceinParis.I'dalreadymethimbrieflyinthewingsofthePlacedesArtsaftera
performanceofStarmania.He'sabigcheerfulguywholookedveryelegantandunkemptatthesametime.Bythenhealreadywore
thosefamousblackglasseshelaterwasknownfor.
The windows of his apartment opened directly onto the EiffelTower, with the river Seine in the background, and the Palais de
Chaillot, the trees of the ChampsdeMars. He'd invited several important people from Parisian show business, including Gilbert
Coullier,who'dlaterbecometheproducerofallmyshowsinFranceandBelgium,andhiswife,Nicole,myfuturepartnerinshopping
jauntsintherueFaubourgSaintHonore.
Onthedayofthismeeting,Ibecameterriblyintimidatedaboutbeingwiththesepeopleandquiteunsureofmyself.Butwhenthe
eveningarrivedandIwasintheirpresence,Idon'tknowwhatdevilgotholdofme,butIwasuninhibited,confidentofmycharm,my
makeup,ofeverythingthatIwaswearingandsaying.Ifeltselfassured,sur
roundedbythesepeoplewhoseemedinterestedinme,genuinely.Italkedalot.AndIthinkIgavethemquiteashow.Firstatthetable,
theninthesittingroomfullofcurios,books,paintingsofthemasters,andsculptures.Tomakethemlaugh,Itoldthemfunnystories
aboutmyfamilyandimitatedStreisandandJoplin,andEdithPiaf.LucPlamondonwasreallytakenwithit.EspeciallywhenIsangthe
songsfromStarmania,imitatingthefemalerolesoftheoperaonebyone.IcouldseeRenealittletothesidewatchingmeproudly.I
knewatthatmomentthatIwasmakinghimhappyandthathecouldneverdowithoutme.Ialsoknewhewasinlovewithme,orwould
beverysoon.
WehadenteredtheperiodinourlifeIcalloursilentlove,ourplatoniclove,whichwaschasteandcompletelyidealistic.Andpracti
callyunspoken.SincethatsceneintheParisstreetwhenhe'dwantedtobreakthingsoff,I'dneverremindedhimthatIlovedhim.Itwas
painfulandexquisiteatthesametime.
We were always together. He was considerate and gallant, always gave me his arm, and always opened doors and car doors.We
walkedtogetherthroughParis.Wewereoftenalone,evenwhentherewerealotofpeoplearoundus,evenifMamanwasthere,asshe
stilloftenwas.Wehadmomentswhenwethoughtwewerealoneintheworld.Hetalkedtomeabouthisprojects,theagreementswe
weregoingtosignwithCBS,aboutthealbuminEnglishthatwe'ddoinayearortwo(atmost),rightaftertheonewewereworkingon,
whichhesaidwouldbeabighit.
"Ithastobeahit,"hesaid."Ihadaclauseputinthenewcontract.Assoonaswe'vesoldahundredthousandcopiesofthenext
albuminFrench,CBSisgoingtogiveusthemeanstoproducearecordinEnglish."
Hewassoproudofhisclause!Hespoketomeaboutitforhours.Andaboutthemusiciansandlyricistshewaslininguptoproduce
thishitalbumthatwouldwinustherecordinEnglish.
[137]
Afewweekslater,wemetagainwithPlamondoninhishousein Montreal,whichoverlookedaverylovelypark.Itwassnowing.
Underthetrees,therewasaskatingrink,wheresomeyoungpeoplewereplayinghockey.Luchadwrittentwosongsforus,"Lolita"
and"Incognito."ThelyricswerehandwrittenonscrapsofpaperthathehandedtoRene.
Renetookhistime.IcouldfeelthatLucwasnervous.Heofferedmesomechampagneandcanapes,androsetoarrangesomebooks,
toturnalampofforon,tomoveacurio.ThenRenehandedmethescrapsofpaperwithoutsayingaword.ButIcouldtellfromhis
eyesthathewasreallyhappy.
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WhenIsawwhatLuchadwritten,Iwasbowledover.LikeEddy,Luchadexploredmyinnerlife.Whathehadwrittenwassoclose
tomethatIcouldn'thelpbeingreallyunsettledbyit.
Lucsatdownatthepianoand,aswellashecould,sketchedoutthemelodythathadbeencomposedbyJeanAlainRoussel.
ThefirsttimeIsangthewordsto"Lolita,"IwasinfrontofRene,andIsangittoarousehim:
AllthosenightsIspentalonewantingtotouchyou,
you'vegottoreturnthemtomeonebyone,
allthosenightsallaloneinthegloom,
dreamingyou'dcometomyroom!
Willyoumakemewaitfordays,formonths?
Ifyoudon'tcome,itwillbeanother.
Andyou'llbeartheblameforalifetimeofregret
formyfirstnightoflove.
AsIwassinging,IheardRenetellLucthatthesongwasexactlywhathewaslookingfor.AndinsidemyselfIwondered:"What
gameisheplaying?Ifhethinksthatsong'sperfectforme,it'sbecauseheknowshowmuchIlovehim,howmuchIneedhim."
Isangtherefraininaverylowvoice.IthinkIwasangry.Renehadreaditbeforeme.HemusthaveknownwhatIwasthinking.It
wasweird,akindofpublic,shamelessdeclarationoflove.
Lolitaisn'ttooyoungforlove,Isn'ttooyoungtosurrenderWhendesiredevoursherbody,Righttothetipsofherfingers.
Weweresilentforalongtime.Themessagewasclear.Iwaspasttheageoffairytales,andattheagetojumpintobedwiththeman
Iloved.
Afewdaysaftermynineteenthbirthday,welaunchedthealbumIncognitointhemostfashionablediscothequeinMontreal,whereI
wasgettingmyfirstrealmediaexposureinmorethanayearandahalf.Newlook,newsound,newteam,newrecordcompany,new
CelineDion...
Jerecommencevieazero("I'mstartingoveratsquareone"),thesong"Incognito"rightlysaid.
Veryquickly,therumorstookonanewform.Onedaythey'dsaywewereengaged.Thenext,thatwe'dgottenmarriedinLasVegas,
after having lived in sin for months. They let everyone know, however, that I wouldn't ever be pregnant because Rene had had a
vasectomythen,miracleofmiracles,theyannouncedthatIwaspregnantandthatwewereexpectingtwins.
SomedayIhopeI'llunderstandthegossipcolumnistswhoformorethantenyearshaveinsistedthatIwasgoingtohavetwins.
InQuebec,noonedoubtedthatReneAngelilandIwereinlove.Scadsofpeopleclaimedtohaveseenuskissingonanairplane,in
thestreetsofParis,inarestaurantinMontreal.
Sometimesmygreatesthappinesshascomewhenlifeimitatedthe
[139]
rumorsthatwerebeingspread.Asiflifewantedtomakethegossiptrueortofulfillourmostcherisheddreams.
ThealbumIncognitoattractedawidespectrumofthepublic.AsthepeopleinmarketingatCBSsaid,"We'venevercutsuchawide
swath." The rock stations, who'd always stayed away from me, as well as the more genteel, familyoriented stations, who stayed
faithful,sharedthesongssocompletelythatformonthswehadtwo,sometimesthreehitstoppingthechartsatthesametime.Atleast
inQuebec.Elsewherethingsweregoingtomovealotmoreslowly.
InFrance,theprogrammersandmarketingspecialistsdidn'tthinkthattwoofthesongswouldworkthere.Strangelyenough,these
werethesongsthatdidthebestinQuebec"Incognito"and"Lolita"thetwothathadbeenwrittenbyLucPlamondon.
Rene,whohadalwayswantedtokeepmeawayfromcriticsandproblems,probablywouldneverhavetoldmeaboutthedifficulties
inFranceifithadn'tbeennecessaryformetogotoParistorecordsomereplacementsongsforthealbum.SinceMireilleMathieu,
who'd become a forgotten page in the history of show business, French fashion tended to favor the "breathers."A wispy voice like
Bardot'sorZazou'swasnowalltherage.
What's more, when I went to the studio to record one of the songs Eddy had written, Romano Musumarra, who'd composed the
music,toldmethatIoverdidsongs.Icanstillhearhimsaying:"Holdbackyourvoice,don'tgivesomuch."
Ironically,thesongIwasrecordingwascalled"Jeneveuxpas"(IDon'tWantTo).Iwasdisappointed,frustrated,andshocked.
Francewasn'tinterestedinthekindofpopsingerIwantedtobe.Theycouldn'tacceptthatI'dchanged.Theywantedmetoremain
theingenue,thesomewhatstarryeyedanddreamylittlegirlInolongerwasandInolongerwantedtobe.
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Ilaterdiscoveredthatitwastheartisticmilieuthatwaswrong.Thesewererecordmagnateswewereworkingwith,peoplewho,I
think,lackedjudgment,daring,andimagination.
InEnglishspeakingCanada,Ididn'tfareanybetter.Iwastreatedwithtotalindifference.Whichwasn'tsurprising.Inthiscountry,
therehavealwaysbeentworecordindustries,twostarsystems,twosolitudes,astheysay,which,atthattimemorethantoday,were
completelyseparateanddistinct.FortherestoftheCanadianpublictolistentoaQuebecoisartist,astrokeofgreatluckoramiracle
wasrequired.
Buttwosuchmiracleshappenedtome.TheyweretheresultofeventsIhadthelucktoparticipateinandthatallowedmetogetrec
ognizedbytheCanadianpublicveryrapidly.ThensomeAmericandecisionmakersopenedsomedoorsformedowninthe United
States,somebigdoors.
Atthestartofsummer,CBSCanadahaditsannualconventionattheEsterel,abighotelintheLaurentides,northofMontreal.Iwas
partofthatrecordcompany,soIwasentitledtoashortpresentation,whatonecallsa"showcase."Intheafternoon,Ididtwoorthree
songs,whichwerepolitelyreceived.Everyoneknewtheycouldn'tgoveryfar.Thevastmajorityofindustrypeople,whocamefrom
OntarioandfromthewesternprovincesofCanada,didn'tunderstandanyofthewords.Andeveniftheyhadunderstood,evenifthey
had found me interesting, there wasn't any place for my songs in their market or on their radio stations. French songs were rarely
played.
ThebigstarofthatconventionwasDanHillwithhishitsongofthesummer,"Can'tWeTry,"aduethedidwithRondaSheppard.I
don'tknowwhyRondahadn'tcometoEsterel.Afewdaysearlier,assoonasRenelearnedthatshehadn't,hecontactedHill,Hill's
agent,andthepresidentofCBSandproposedthatIsing
[141]
withDaninherplace.Heaskedthemnottotalkaboutit,soitwouldbeasurprise.
"It'lladdsomedrama,"hesaid.
On the day before the performance, I rehearsed with Dan. Our voices went well together.And the song was in a range where I felt
perfectlyatease.
Renehadreturnedtohisstrategyofuppingtheante.Duringthetwoorthreedaysbeforetheconvention,heneverstoppedtelling
methatthiswouldbeacrucialmoment,thatIprobablywouldn'thaveanyotheropportunitiestoshowwhatIcoulddoforalongtime.
Maybenever.
"Ifyoucan'tbringthehousetoitsfeet,wegobacktosquareoneandstaythereaprettylongtime."
SquareonewastheQuebecarea,whereeverythinghadgoneasfarasitcouldgo.Iwasanestablishedstar,I'dsoldseveralhundred
thousandalbums.Mysongswereplayedontheradiodayandnight.
ButItoowasintriguedbytheideaofgoingelsewhere,seeingotheraudiences,facingotherchallenges.ReneandIwantedtogetout
ofQuebec.AndinFrance,Iwasbeinglesswellreceivedthanduringtheperiodofmyfirstsongs,like"D'Amouroud'amitie."Mylast
albumsweren'tsellingwell.Renedidn'ttalktomeaboutit.ButIwasnolongerregularlyinvitedtobigtelevisionshowsorwritten
aboutatlengthinParisianmagazines.
ThatsummerwewerepreparingbothabigTVshowforRadioCanadaandasupertourofQuebecatthesametime.Butwithoutthe
prospectofgettingoutofQuebec,theseprojectsseemedalmosttrivial,eventhoughwehadaccesstoenormousfundsandtechnical
supporttoproducethem.
Somepeoplethinkthatambitionisaseriousfault.Notme.Inall
theinterviewsIgavethen,Ineverhidmygreatdesiretosucceed.Istatedstraightoutthatmygoalwastoonedaybethegreatestsinger
intheworld.Andafewgoodsoulswereshockedbythat.
Intheeyesofsome,thatambitionwassomewhatshockingandvulgar.Intellectualslookedatmewithahalfsmile.Ididn'tread
whattheywrote,butIguessedbytheirattitudewhattheythoughtofme.
Tome,suchambitionisessentialandnecessary,completelylegitimate.Ifeltlikeacagedanimal.IloveQuebecdeeplymyroots
willalwaysbethere.ButIdidwanttogetoutofthecountryandknowotherthings.Whattheycallambitionisformejustaneedforair
andfreedom,openspaces,theneedtobeabletomakechoices.
SothateveningattheEsterel,Isangthatduetasifmylifedependedonit.Ididitwithallthepassionwithinme.Andwebrought
downtheentirehouse.TheyallleapeduptoapplaudDanHillandme.Thistimeitwasn'tjusttobepolite,likethedaybefore.Itwasa
very small audience, about a hundred and fifty people, but they were the decision makers and executives of the recording industry
throughoutCanada,withsomefromtheUnitedStates.Fromthenon,thepeopleatCBSknewwhoIwas.
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RenewaswaitingformewhenIleftthestage.Hetookmeverygentlyinhisarms.Weheldeachotherforalongtimeoutofpure
happiness.Surroundedbyallthesepeople.WewerebothsoexcitedthatwestayedintheEsterellongaftereverybodyhadleft.Asifwe
didn'twanttoleavetheplacewhereourfuturehadhunginthebalance.That'sreallythesensewehadatthetime.Renedidn'ttalk
aboutit.Hecouldn'tstayinoneplacehewalkedbackandforthinfrontofthelittlestagewhereI'dsung.Hewaslaughing.Iwaswait
ing...buthedidn'ttakemeinhisarmsagain.
WeknewthatCBSwouldinalllikelihoodhonoritscommitmenttohavememakearecordinEnglish.Nowtheprojectsthatwe
had,theRadioCanadaTVshowandtheQuebectour,hadmeexcitedagain.
[143]
During the weeks that followed, at Radio Canada, I worked with researchers and the director on the concept for that broadcast.
Whiledoingthatvarietyshow,Idiscoveredthegreatpleasurethatliesindoingcomedyandbecomingdifferentkindsofcharacters.
Fromtheveryfirstmeetings,theyspenthoursaskingmewhatIwantedtodoandbe.IansweredthatIwantedtodoeverything,which
kindofalarmedthem.I'dsaytothem:"Iwanttomakethemlaugh,makethemcry,Iwanttodance,Iwanttosingrockandopera,new
songsandoldhits,inFrenchandinEnglish."
IwantedtohavealotofcostumesandplayaGarbolikevamp,aLolita,agoodygoody,asuburbanlady,atomboy,aningenue,a
rockstar.
Actually,whatIwantedtodomostwasseduceReneAngelil.Thebestwaytodoitwastobeeverywomanatthesametime.Maybe
Ididn'tsayitthen,buttodayitseemscompletelyobvious.
Renealwaystookcareofeverything.Heobviouslywantedtoapproveallmycostumes.I'dpreparedaboutahalfdozenwiththe
researchers,thedirector,andthewardrobepeople.OnedayIdidakindoffashionshowforhiminasoullessspacelitbyneon,twoor
threefloorsbelowgroundinthebasementofRadioCanada headquarters. I had two very daring costumes that I really liked, but he
nixedthemimmediately.Hesaidthey'dshockpeople.TheshowwewerepreparingwasforageneralfamilyaudienceonaSunday
evening.
"Youdon'tneedtoshockwhenyouhaveavoicelikeyours."
I was disappointed. I really would have liked to shock a little. But I was consoled to know that he'd seen me. I hadn't left him
indifferent.Agirlcanseethesethings.
ThealbumIncognitostillwasn'tsellinginEnglishspeakingCanada.ButitwasdoingsowellinQuebecthatitbecamethetopsellerin
Canada,andasaresult,itmeritedtheJunoprizefor
thebestsellingalbuminthecountry.EvenifpracticallynooneoutsideofQuebec,FrenchspeakingOntario,andNewBrunswickhad
bought it. This gave me the right to an appearance on the Juno awards show on television, the most important media event of the
Canadianrecordingandperformingindustry.SothatautumninToronto,I'dbethe"token"FrenchCanadian.
Accordingtotradition,Iwouldsingmymostpopular work. Either "Incognito," "Lolita," "Jour de fievre" (Day of Fever), or "On
traverse un miroir" (Through the Looking Glass), which had all topped the charts for months. Every year, one singer from Quebec
performedhisorherlittlesongforthreeminutesinFrenchattheJunoawards.Itwasanutterlywastedeffort.Everybodyknewit.The
Quebecoisdidn'twatchtheJunoawards.TheEnglishspeakingCanadiansdidn'tlistentotheFrenchsongsontheprogram.
Assoonastheinvitationcametous,ReneinformedtheorganizersoftheshowthatI'dsingasonginEnglish.Thatornothing.They
hadtoacceptit.
Atfirstwethoughtaboutdoinganoldclassic.It'seasiertomoveageneralaudiencewithatunetheyalreadyknow.Ithoughtof"The
WayWeWere"or"OvertheRainbow"orevenaboogiewoogie"ChattanoogaChooChoo,"whichIwasplanningtoincludeinmytour.
ThenRenegotitintohisheadthatIoughttodoanoriginalsongnooneknew.
"RememberwhenEddyheardyouforthefirsttime.Itwasbecauseyou'dcreatedyourownsongsthathewasreallyabletoseeyour
abilities.Youneedanewsong,andonethatwillletyoushowthemwhatyoucando."
Barelytwodaysbeforetheevent,wefinallycameupwith"HaveaHeart,"whichwasactuallytheoriginalversionof"Partoutjete
vois"(ISeeYouEverywhere)onmyalbumIncognito.It'saveryphysical,
[145]
spectacular,demandingsong,whichhasthegreatadvantageofexploitingthewholeregisterofmyvoice.
WeleftforTorontoinastateofalmostunbearableexcitement.Yetagainweweregoingtoputallourcardsonthetable.Nowit
wasn't just the industry I was confronting, like at the Esterel six months earlier, but also the mainstream audience of Canada and
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especiallytheCanadianmedia,whichalwayspaidspecialattentiontotheJunoawards.Ourfuturedependedontheirreaction.
IwasinatrancewhenIleftthestage.Asalways.IkeepsingingwhenIdashthroughthewings,whenIgettomydressingroom,
whenIclimbintothelimousine,asifthefireinmecan'tbeextinguished.
Thenextday,Renegotupatdawntogetthepapers.HewaitedpatientlyformetocomeoutofmyroomtotellmethatI'dbeena
smashing success. He'd had the time to learn by heart all the articles that appeared in all the papers he could find. He even called
Halifax,Montreal,Vancouver,tofindoutwhatthereactionshadbeeninthosecities.
"Youstoletheshow,"hekeptrepeating.
Intheafternoon,hemetwiththebigbossesatCBS.Forthemaswell,he'duptheante.Heaskedthemtoinvesttentimesmorethan
had been anticipated for the English album.And he demanded as well that David Foster, the recordindustry wonder boy from the
UnitedStates,betheproducer.
"Themoney'snoproblem,"saidthebossesatCBS."AsforFoster,Celineandyouwillhavetofindawaytoapproachhimandget
himinterested."
Fostermaynothavebeenknowntothepublicatlarge,butintheworldofshowbusiness,hewasahugestar.OriginallyfromBritish
Columbia,hehadmadeanameforhimselfinLosAngeles,where,intheeighties,hewasalreadyworkingwiththebiggestofthebig:
BarbraStreisand,NatalieCole,FrankSinatra,NeilDiamond,PaulMcCartney.Hewrotewordsandmusicforthemhe
arranged,produced,andconductedforartistswhoweremakinghighqualityalbums."He'sthebest,"Renesaid."He'sthe
oneweneed."Buthowwasanotherstory.HowtoapproachanartistofthestatureofDavidFoster,whowasalreadyliving
onplanetHollywood?"We'llfindaway."
While waiting for David Foster and the blessings of the big bosses at CBS International, we continued to prepare our
showIncognito. I'd say that of all the shows I've presented in my career, this was the most extensively and minutely
prepared.Wehadquiteasupportstaffinplaceaboutfifteenmusicians,adozentechnicians,lightingpeople,soundpeople,
a director, a set designer, a writer for the texts between the numbers, a lot of costumes, and the inimitable Mego as
orchestraconductor.
HeandIhadmetinarehearsalspaceatthePlacedesArts.Aftertenminutes,webothknewwehadbeenmadetoget
along.IrediscoveredwithhimthepleasureI'doncehadinmakingmusicwithmybrothersandsisters.EventhoughRene
hadtoholdusbackalittleatthebeginning.Ateachrehearsal,welaunchedintocompletelyoutrageousimprovisations,
boogiewoogie,androckandroll.Inadditiontohiscrazyartistside,Megoalsohadalotofdiscipline,andakeensenseof
organizationandleadershipskills.Inaddition,hewasagoodshowman,veryfunny,fullofhumor.Tobeonstagewithhim
wasalwaysagreatpleasureforme.
Startingatthattime(alittlebeforetheholidaysin1987)anduntilIwentonsabbaticalinJanuary2000,Megowasat
alltheshowsIdid,withoutexception,goodtimesandbadtimes.
SuzanneGingue,Mego'sgirlfriendatthetime,alsodidthewhole
[147]
journeywithus,actingasdirectorofthetour.Shewatchedovereverything,fromthereservationsforourhotelroomsto
thefittingoutofmydressingroom,tothesettingupofthesetsandrepairingofmymoods.Suzanneisaworkaholic.We
alwayssaidtoeachotherthatsheneverslept,neverate.Apurespirit.
The memories that first come to mind when I think of the Incognitotour are filled with fits of laughter. From the
beginning,inAbitibi,justliketheprecedingtour,weallknewthatwehadagoodproduct.Andanaudiencethathadbeen
conqueredinadvance.
WhenIspeakoffitsoflaughter,Idon'tmeanonlyamongourselves,butwiththeaudiencetoo.Ididimitations(of
FabienneThibault,JulienClerc,MichaelJackson,MireilleMathieu)thatreallywentoverwell.I'dalsohadsomehilarious
monologuesandseveralnumbersthatIdidwithMego.Mostofthetime,theaudiencewaslaughingatmyexpense.
Afewyearsbefore,forexample,ReneandIhadbeengivenanaudiencewiththepope.Wehadbeensentto Castel
Gandolfo, where the summer residence and farm of the Holy Father are located. In front of the reporters who
accompanied us, I had had the idea of milking the pope's cows and drinking several mouthfuls of raw milk. The
descriptionofthatepisodeintheQuebecmediahadunleashedastormoflaughter.Thathadn'tbeenourintent,butinsuch
situations it's better to roll with the punches. So in my show Incognito I recalled my "papal milktasting experience,"
whichdrewbiglaughsyetagain,thistimewithoutanycontempt.
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I also told how I had become part of SobbersAnonymous. SA, likeAA, met regularly to help people learn how to
"staycleanandsoberfromsobbing."
"Nextweekwillmakeoneyearwithoutcrying,"I'dsayinavoicefilledwithemotion."I'mdoingalotbetter,Ican
controlmyself,IthinkI'montheroadtorecovery.Theproof:I'llnowsingforyou,
withoutaproblem,oneofthesaddestsongsinmyrepertory,'Monamim'aquitte'(He'sLeftMe],whichusedtomakeme
crysomuchinthepast."
Everythinghadbeenwritten,notonlythemusicandthelyricsofthesongs,butallthetransitionalspeeches,thedance
steps,everygestureandsmile.Itwasreassuring,andconstrainingatthesametime,almoststifling.SomedaysIfeltlikeI
wasinastraitjacket.ItwaswithIncognito,however,thatIreallylearnedtobecomemasterofastageandthatIunderstood
thatitwasaplaceofpower.Ilearned,nightafternight,toreactwiththecrowd,tobecomethemasterofmyemotionsand
oftheirs.
Andduringthistour,IbeganseriouslypracticingwhatIcallmylittlerituals.Duringthistime,Iaccumulatedavirtual
collectionofthem.Idon'treallyknowhowitbegan.Buteverythingseemedtolenditselfnaturallytotheprocess,evenif
it was completely irrational. We often added a gesture or glance to our routine, a detail that was sometimes almost
invisible.Butoncewe'daddedtheselittlenothings,theytookonabsoluteimportance.Therewasnoquestionofgetting
ridofthem.Finally,ourceremoniesbegantolastseveralminutes.
Forexample,eachtimebeforethecurtainrose,Mego,Suzanne,andIplayedalittlegame.Wheneverythingwasready,
rightbeforethestagemanagergaveusthesignalandthehousewasplungedintodarkness,wedidakindofincantation
dancetogether.IpretendedtostrikeachordortopulloutoneofthewiresthatconnectedMego'skeyboardtotheamps.
Megopretendedtofreakout,actedasifhewerefurious,andgesturedformetogoaway.ThenIwentaroundthestage,
touchingrightthumbswitheachofthemusiciansandchorusmembers.
I'dfindSuzannebelowthestage.She'dhandmemymike.Beforetakingit,I'dsqueezehershoulderthreetimes.Then
I'dturntoward
[149]
Rene.He'dcomeuptome.He'dkissmeoneachcheek,alwaystheleftfirst.Thenhe'dputhishandsonmyshoulders,and
he'dshakemeverygentlywhilelookingmestraightintheeyeswithaveryseriousexpressionthenhe'dturnmearound,
positionmefacingthestaircaseleadingtothestageandgentlypushme.
"Okay,goforit.You'rethere.Go."
Theseritualsevolvedovertime.Buttheycouldneverbeignored.Theyweregames,butatthesametime,theywere
seriousandessential.Duringatour,thingslikethedressingroom,thehotelroom,thestage,theaudienceallchangefrom
daytoday.Ineededtohavesomethingpermanent.Intheseritualsandrigorouslyrepeatedgestures,Ifoundsomethingto
reassuremyself.
ForalongtimeI'vekeptinthebottomofmypurse,inasmalltransparentplasticenvelope,acoinIfoundyearsagoon
thestageatTroisRivieresinQuebec.AsIalwaysdoaftermysecondsong,Iwasgettingreadytotalktopeople,tothank
themforhavingcome,totellthemthatIlovedthem,thatIwashappy,whenIspottedtheshiningcoin,tailsup,easily
visible,rightattheedgeofthestage.Icouldseethebeaver,thesymbolofCanada,foundonCanadiannickels.
Duringintermission,whenthecurtainhadfallen,Ibentdowntopickitup.ButRenehadgottenitintomyheadthat
youmustneverpickupacointhatistailsup.Onlyheads.
"Don'ttouchtails.It'sbadluck."
Ineverthelesspickeditupandtosseditalittlefarther,twice,untilitfellheadsup,thesidewiththequeenofEngland.
ThenIpickeditupandkeptit.
I think you have to make your own luck.And in this domain, as in many others, you're best served when you do it
yourself.
Today I know that rituals, goodluck charms, fetishes, even prayers can't always protect us and those we love.
Misfortunestrikes
whereitwishes.Andwhenitcomes,ritualslosetheirpower.Youhavetoact,fight.
OneeveningwhenIgothome,Idiscoveredmymotherlookingfrightfullypale.Shewasshortofbreath,herfeatureswere
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drawn,andmostworrisomeofall,shewassittingdown.Mymotherisalwaysupandrunningallovertheplace.Myfather
wasatalosstoexplainit.Unlikemymotherandme,inthiskindofsituation,hewasincapableofmakingadecision.He
wasn'tabletoreasonwithmymother,whoisratherauthoritarian,hyperactive,whotakeschargeofmakingalldecisions
anddoesn'ttakeordersfromanybody.Shekeptsayingthatitwasonlyfatigue,thatitwouldpass.Iknewjustbyseeingher
andhearingherweak,expressionlessvoicethatshewasinbadshape.
In the little movies I made up in my head, I'd often imagined my mother dying. I could see myself at her bedside,
completelyparalyzedbypain,crushedanddistraughtandcompletelyincapableofreacting.
But faced with the reality, I reacted completely differently, without thinking, and with a coolness and authority that
surprisedme.
IcalledDr.GastonChoquette,whomReneknew,andmadeanappointmentformymotherthenextafternoonatthe
MontrealInstituteofCardiology.Thehardestpartwasconvincinghertogo.
"I'myourmotherandI'mmorethansixtyyearsold.IfIdon'twanttoseeyourdoctor,I'mnotgoing."
AsidefromDr.EmileMcDuff,who'ddeliveredherlasttenchildrenandwho'dpracticallybecomeamemberofour
family, my mother never had much respect for doctors. She didn't consider them infallible scientists and didn't think
anyoneshouldbowdownbeforethem.Mymotherdidn'tbowdowntoanybody.
[151]
Evenso,Ididn'tunderstandherreluctanceuntilmyfathertoldmeshewassupposedtowatchmysisterLinda'ssonthenextmorning.
Fiveminuteslater,I'dfoundababysitter.I'dconvincedRenetoputoffforadayourdepartureforChicoutimi,whereIwassupposed
tosingtwodayslater,intheevening.AndIwentwithmymothertothedoctor,whodiagnosedheartfailure.Hesenthertotheemer
gencyroomandhadheroperatedonthenextmorning:aquadruplebypass.
Severalhourslater,IwentonstageatChicoutimi.IknewthatMamanwasoutofdanger.Andwewentbacktotouring.
WhenwereturnedtoMontreal,aftertouringthroughQuebec,ourshow,words,music,andritualsweregoingalongjustfine.There
wasawonderfulsenseoftogethernessinourgroup.Theforcewaswithus.Happiness,triumph.Allofusfeltit.
"Talkaboutit,"RenetoldmewhenIstarteddoingpublicityinMontreal."Youdon'thavetobeashamedtosaythatyouhadagood
show."
Ididn'thesitate.Ihatepeoplewhoboast,butIdon'tlikefalsemodestyeither.IwashappywithmyshowandIsaidso,ontelevision,
onradio,inthepapers.ItwaslikeRene'sapproach,uppingtheante.Youhavetobesureofyourself,ofyourluck.
Isupposedthatintellectualswouldavoidmeabitmorenow.IthinkIrememberthattheyaccusedmeofbeingalittletoocommer
cial,meaningthatIwassuccessfulandenjoyingit.ButIcould,seepeopleofallagesinthehouse,whichwasalwaysfilledtobursting.
Everyeveningaftertheshow,inmydressingroom,Iwasvisitedbyshowbusinesspeople,butalsobypeopleinsports,politics,and
business.
Oneevening,asmilingandhospitableCarolReynolds,whowasresponsibleforthevarietyshowsontheEnglishspeakingnetwork
RadioCanada,wasamongthosewhocametoseeme.Shewaited
untileveryonehadlefttocometosayhelloandtotellmehowmuchshelikedtheshow.AllthreeofusRene,Carol,andIwenttoa
restaurant.An Italian one on the rue SaintDenis in Montreal. Carol wanted to produce a TV show with me for Englishspeaking
Canada.ItalkedtoheraboutmyalbuminEnglishandhowwehopedtoworkwithDavidFoster.
"David?Iknowhimwell,"shetoldus."I'llbeseeinghimnextweekinLosAngeles.Ifyouwant,I'lltalktohimaboutyou."
IfIwant?Andhow!
CarolleftwiththealbumIncognitoandavideocassetteofmyversionof"HaveaHeart"fromtheJunogala.
"I'msurehe'lllovewhatyoudo,"shetoldme."Buthe'sreallybusy.Hemaynotbeavailableformonths."
Shortlyafter,afewdaysbeforemytwentiethbirthday,weweredoingasoundtestattheSaintDenisTheaterwhenIsawRenecom
ingtowardme,almostatarun.Hecameuptomeandwhisperedinmyear:"IjustspoketoDavidFoster.HelistenedtoIncognito.You
knowwhathetoldme?ThatyouhaveeverythingittakestogetintotheU.S.market.Listen!Hesaidthatyouhave'thatlittlesomething
extra'thatmakesgreatstars.Andthathewantstoworkwithus."
"When?"
"Notuntilthefall."
"Butthat'ssixmonthsaway."
"Thetimewillfly,believeme."
ThenhewenttotellhissecrettoMegoandSuzanne.Thenonthetelephonetohisfriends,toBenandMarc.
Ireallyneededtoarmmyselfwithpatience.ButIthoughtI'dalreadygivenalot.Intheheatofaction,lovereallyhadn'tprogressed.
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Renewasalwaysverylovingandgentlewithme.ButIthinkhewastotallyontome.Heavoidedbeingalonewithmefortoolonga
time.Heknewhewouldn'tescape.AndIknewittoo.It
[153]
wasonlyaquestionoftime,afewweeks,days.Itwasalmostunbearable.Andwonderfulatthesametime.
AfterReneandIadmittedthatwewereinlove,wetalkedalotaboutthemonthswhenweweresoinlovewithoutevensayingit.
"RememberthedayyoucametopickmeupatDuvernay.Andhowshockedyouweretoseeme."
"Doyourememberwhatalovelymomentwehadineachother'sarmsattheEsterelwhenyousangwithDanHillforthepeopleat
CBS?"
"Youknow,I'veneverforgottenthatdepressingeveningintherestaurantinPariswhenyoudecidedtoputsomedistancebetween
us."
"Youknow,I'llneverforgetthefashionshowyouputoninthoseroomsintheRadioCanadaoffices.Icoulddescribeeveryoneof
thecostumesyouwore."
"Eventheonesyouthoughtweretoodaringfortelevision?"
"I'llneverforgetthetimewhenyoufellasleeponmyshoulderintheplanethattookusbackfromParis."
"ButIwasn'tasleeponyourshoulder,darling.Iwaspretendingtobeasleep."
I'dletmyheadslideagainsthisshoulderbecauseIfeltgoodandbecauseIwashopingtopossiblyseducehim.Ilookedathishands,
whichexcitedmesomuch,stronghandswithnailsthatwerealwayswellmanicured.Andhesmelledsogood,sofresh.Ihadaterrible
desiretotakehishand,toplacemylipsonit.
"IfI'donlyknown,"hesaidtome.
"Youwouldn'thavedoneanything.YouknewIlovedyouforalongtimeandyoudid
nothing."..
Unlikehim,I'dneverhadeventheshadowofadoubt.Thatday,intheplanetakingusbackfromParis,IknewIwasinlovewithhim
foreverandthatsomethinghadtohappensoonerorlater.Ihadnoexperience(otherthantheoretical)oflove,butIwasreallydeter
mined.
Renehadalotofexperience,butatthetime,heactedlikeascaredadolescent,ahundredtimesmoreintimidatedthanhewouldhave
beeninfrontofawomanofhisownage.Hewasafraidofwhatpeoplewouldsay,afraidtohurtme,afraidthatatthirtyI'dfindmyself
withamanoffiftysix.
ButIknewIhadhim.AndIbidedmytime.Finallyitcame.
ItwasinDublin,onthatunforgettabledayofApril30,1988, theevening ofthe Eurovision competition inwhich, though French
Canadian,IwasrepresentingtheSwiss!AndsingingasongwrittenbyanItalianandaTurk.
Mymotherhadhadopenheartsurgeryafewweeksearlier.Iwantedhertotakesomerest.AndInolongerwantedhertogowithme
ontour,especiallynotifitinvolvedatripoverseas.
That day the suspense was unbelievable. Until the last minute, we thought that first prize would go to the performer representing
England.Irememberhissongwascalled"Go,"myluckynumberinJapanese.AndinthisIsawabadomen.Whatismore,Ididn't
reallylikethesongIwasgoingtoperform.Ifoundittoopompous.
AfterI'dsungthesong,I'dremainedinthewingswiththeothercontestants.WewerewatchingtheTVandstagedirectorexplainto
theyoungEnglishmanhowtocomeonstagewhenthewinnerwasannounced.Itseemedthathe'dwon.Iwasresignedtolosing.Only
onethingfelturgent:IwantedtofindRene,whowouldprobablybedevastated.Weweregoingtolivethroughourfirstdefeattogether.
I'dturnitintoapersonalvictory.I'dholdbackmytearsandconsolehim,I'dmotherhim.
[155]
Butthejudgesfromtwoorthreecountrieshadn'tannouncedtheirchoicesyet.Intheend,Iwonbyjustonepoint.
As I went to collect my prize, I dissolved into tears in front of the audience at Simmonscourt and the hundreds of millions of
Europeanswhowerewatchingtheawardsshowontelevision.Imademythankyousmoreorlesscoherentlyandleftthestagealmostat
arun.WhenIfoundRene,Ithrewmyselfintohisarmsand,stillcrying,huggedhimveryhardandkissedhimontheneck.Iwasas
happyasitwaspossibletobe.
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Heletithappen.Hewaslaughing.
Asusual,hewentbacktomyroomwithme,andhebeganrecountingthedaywe'dspenttogether.Howscaredhehadbeen.He
remindedmeofhowimportantthisvictorywas,since,accordingtohim,itgavemealotofvisibilityinEurope.Foratleastthehun
dredthtimeintwoweeks,hetoldmethattheEurovisionshowwas,aftertheOlympicsandtheOscars,themostwatchedTVprogram
intheworld.Healsotalkedtomeabouttheotherparticipants,whohadsungwellandwhowouldn'tgoveryfar.Andthen...Idon't
rememberwhathesaid.Iwasn'treallylistening.Ijustletmyselfbecradledbyhisvoice.
Iwasseatedattheheadofthebed,legsfoldedunderthecovers.IwashappyaboutbeingalonewiththemanIloved.AndIhada
verypreciseplan.
Irealizedthathe'dstoppedtalking,thatwewereenvelopedbysilence.Hestayedthere,sittingonthearmofthechair,verynearmy
bed,withoutsayingaword.Ilookedathimwithmymaturewoman'ssmile.IthinkthatatthatmomentherealizedthatIhadn'tbeenlis
teningtohimforawhileandthatIwasthinkingofotherthings.Heloweredhiseyes.IcouldfeelthatI'dtouchedhimemotionally.
Rightinhisheart.Hegotup,thenbackedtowardthedoortwoorthreesteps,asiftoescapemyholdoverhim,andsaidgoodnight.
Icouldn'tletitgolikethat.
Everynightsinceourfirsttourthreeyearsbefore,he'dsaidgoodnighttomebykissingmeonbothcheeks.Forseveral
months,especiallyduringtheIncognitotour,I'dhadtheimpressionthathiskisseseachdayslidafewmillimeterscloser
tomylips,untilourmouthssometimestouched.
Andonthisnightofgloryandvictory,hewasabouttoleavewithoutkissingmeatall!
He'dalreadyopenedthedoor.IslippedoffthebedandwalkeduptohimIpressedmyselfagainsthim.
"Youhaven'tkissedmeyet,ReneAngelil."
ItookhisheadinmyhandsandIkissedhimonthelips.Iputmyarmsaroundhisneck...Heheldmetight,thedoor
stillopenbehindhim.Thenheremovedmyarms.Hefledtohisroom.Istayedthereforamomentallalone,myheart
beatingtremblinganddumbfounded.
IknewthatI'dwon.Thatflightwasanadmissionofit.
I grabbed the telephone and called his room to tell him: "If you don't come back here immediately, I'm going to go
knockonyourdoor."
Buttherewasnoanswer.
Itwashewhocalledmeseveralminuteslaterfromthelobbyofthehotel.ToaskifIwasallright.Andthenhetoldme:
"Ifyoureallywantto,I'llbethefirst."
AndIansweredhim:"You'llbethefirst.Andtheonly."
5
Twodayslater,whenwearrivedattheMirabelairportoutsideMontreal,weweregreetedbydrovesofreporters,pho
tographers,cameramen,andotherpeopleinthemusicindustry.RenehadbroughtthemtheIrishandEnglishnewspapers,
whichhereadtothem.Heshowedthemmypictureandtheheadlines.Thenheremindedthejournalistshowimportant
Eurovisionwas,eventhoughhardlyanyoneknewaboutitinCanada.
Hecouldn'tresisttellingthemhowI'dcriedmyeyesout.Andeverybodylaughedwhenheremindedthemhowlongit
hadbeensinceI'dhadagoodcrylikethat.
HetoldthemeverydetailofthepressconferencethathadfollowedthecompetitionsandhowincrediblehethoughtI'd
been.Healsosaidthatallthejournalistsfromaroundtheworld"sixorsevenhundred,"heclaimed,whichseemedlikea
bigexaggerationtomewereamazedtolearnthatIwastheyoungestoffourteenchildrenfromabackwatertowncalled
Charlemagne.
"Afterward,"Renecontinued,"theyhadhersignautographseverywherethehotel,theDublinairport,intheplanethattookusback
toLondon.Thepilotevenannouncedthatshewasonboardandeverybodyapplauded."
Thereporterswerefascinatedbyallofthis,buttome,thebiggestnewswhatgavemethegreatestpleasureofallwasthatwewere
inlove.IlookedradiantandI'msuretheyallthoughtitwasbecauseofmysuccessinDublin.Thatactuallyhadlittletodowithit.
ReneremindedthereportersthatCBShadpromisedusanEnglishlanguagerecordthatwe'dbeginworkingoninthefallafterthe
Incognitotour.
"Withthebestdirector,thebestlyricistsandcomposers,andunderthebestconditionsyoucanimagine,"hesaid."It'llknockyou
out."
Areporteraskedusifwewerehappytogether,ifwestillgotalongwell.Ithoughtshe'dguessedeverything.Infactlater,shetoldme
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shehad.ButReneansweredherbeforeIcould:"Iwouldn'tgivethisupforanythingintheworld,"hesaid."AndCelinefeelsthesame
way,I'msure.Wesharethesamedream,thetwoofus."
"Andthesamebed,"Iwastemptedtosay.
ButIwasn'tallowedto.Thedaybefore,he'dconvincedmetokeepsilentaboutourlove.
"Forhowlong?"Iasked.
"Aslongasnecessary."
"Necessaryforwhat?"
"We'vegottotellthepeopleclosetousaboutit,yourrelativesfirst."
Hewasright,asusualhealwaysthoughtofeverything.Only,atthetime,Ididn'timaginethat"aslongasnecessary"wouldbeas
intolerablylongasitturnedouttobe.
Igavethereporterstheproperansweraboutbeinghappywithmy
[159]
professionalassociationwithRene.Forsevenyears,he'dmadeallthedecisionsthatconcernedmycareer.Andhe'dneverbeenwrong.
"Ihavecompleteconfidenceinhim."
Butonejournalistgaveitanothertry.
"Youjustturnedtwenty,Celine.Don'tyouhaveaboyfriend?Alotofgirlsyouragedo."
Imagespassedthroughmyhead.Isawmyselfearlier,standingagainstthewallofmyroomafterRenehadleft,mykneesshakingso
hardIalmostcollapsed.Irememberedthesoundofhisvoicebeforethat,asifinadream:"Ifyoureallywantto,I'llbethefirst."Iheard
myselfanswer,ontheedgeoftears:"OfcourseIwantto...You'llbethefirst.Andtheonly..."
Reactingtomysilence,thereporteraskedagain:"Doyouhaveaboyfriend,Celine?"
Iswallowedmyfeelings,thencalmlyansweredwithasmile,whileRenekepthiseyesonme:"No,Idon'thavetimeforone,my
career'smytoppriority.Idevoteeverythingtoit."
Itwasthefirstofaverylongandverypainfulseriesoflies.Iwasbeginningahappy,yettroubledperiodofmylife,theperiodofmy
secretloveaffair.Itwouldbringmegreathappinessbutdespiteprofessionalsuccess,theprisonofliesIhadtolockmyselfinwould
fromtimetotimeruinallmypleasure.
Ontheotherhand,inmyfamily,thingssettleddownquicklyenough.Iwas,afterall,twentyyearsold.Myparentsnowrealizedthat
Iwasn'tgoingtogiveupalovethatwasmakingmehappy.Weknewotherverysuccessfulcouples,suchasEddyandMia,withanage
difference of fifteen, twenty, even thirty years.And there was the example of Charlie Chaplin and Oona O'Neill, who stayed happy
togetherformorethanthirtyyears.They'devenproducedastrong,closeknitfamily.
Renetoldmethatwhenherealizedhewasfallinginlovewithme,
he'dtriedtoforgetme.He'dleftforLasVegasateveryopportunity.He'devengonetoParisandseenEddyMarnay,whom
he'dalwaysthoughtofasafatherandapersoninwhomhecouldconfide.
"YouknowEddy.HeandIwalkedformilesthroughPariswhileIspoketohimaboutyou."
"Whatdidhetellyou?"
"Hesaidtome:'Doyoureallyloveher?'"
"Andwhatdidyousay?"
"Itoldhim:'I'mcrazyabouther.Iseehereverywhere,Ithinkaboutherallthetime.'"
"Andhesaid?"
"Hetoldme:'Ifyouloveher,you'vegotnothingtofear.Youcan'thurther.'"
"That'sjustwhatItoldyou."
ButRenewasalsothinkingofmycareer.Hethoughtaboutitevenmorethanhethoughtofourhappiness,anideathat
really crushed me at moments. He thought that if people found out that we were in love, all we'd built would be
destroyed.
Soforalongtimewelovedeachotheronlyintheprivacyandintimacyofourfamilies.Theyadjustedtoitprettywell,
Ithink.Butnotme.Isufferedandwept,perhapsbecauseIwastheyoungerone.Andalsobecauseitwasmyfirstlove.I
wantedtoshoutitfromtherooftopsontheveryfirstday.TobelovedbyReneAngelilwasmorebeautifulthananythingI
hadknownmywholelife.Butoutoflove,infact,becausehe'daskedmetotopleasehimIagreedtokeepquiet.Except
thatitwasformuchtoolongatime.
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Attheverybeginningofsummer,DavidFostertoldRenethathe'dbereadytoworkwithussoon,butfirsthewantedto
seemeperformlive.AweekafterEurovision,I'dgone
[161]
back to Europe for a quick tour. Ten cities in ten days. It was insane. Press conferences, interviews, TV, radio, some
fabulousencounters,suchasmeetingEltonJohninMunich,andabigshowduringtheCannesFilmFestivalwithJulia
MigenesJohnsonandMichelLegrand.WhenIreturnedtoQuebec,IcontinuedtheIncognitotour,andtheshowcouldn't
havebeeninbettershape.Notonlywerethemusiciansingreatform,butIwasingoodvoiceaswell.
Butasluckwouldhaveit,atthetimethatDavidwaspassingthroughQuebec,theonlyperformingIwasdoingwasa
showforagroupofvacationers,underatentatSainteAgatheintheLaurentides.Renetriedreallyhardtomakehimput
offhistrip.
"Intwoweeks,CelinewillbeperformingatthemostimportanttheaterinMontreal,"hesaid."Underidealconditions."
Daviddecidednottoputoffthetrip.Hecametotheshowwithhisnewwife,LindaThompson,whohadbeeninvolved
withElvisPresley.Itwasareallyhotday.Anditwaspouring.Theairinsidethetentwashumid,suffocating.Thesound
washorrible.Attimes,therainhammeredsoloudlyontheroofthatitwasalmostimpossibletohearthemusic.
Nevertheless,Ifeltgood,confident,andcool,despitetheoppressiveheat.Thesongscameoffwell.Duringtheshow,I
introducedDavidFosterbysayingthathewasthegreatestrecordalbumproducerintheworldandthathe'dworkedwith
themostbrilliantAmericansingingstars.TheaudienceatSainteAgathe,whoobviouslyhadneverheardofhim,gave
himapolitestandingovation,somethingtowhichdearDavidisnotimpervious.
Aftertheshow,thefourofuswenttoarestaurantintheLaurentides.Daviddidn'tcomplimentmyperformanceatall
that'snothisstyle.Hehasotherwaysofshowinghisenthusiasmorapproval.
"Countmein,"hetoldus."Findyourselfsomesongsandletmeknow."
WithVitoLuprano,theartisticdirectorofCBS,whichhadnowbecomeSony,Renebegansortingthroughthedozens
ofsongswe'dcollectedduringthepastmonths.
After the holidays, when the Incognito tour was over, Rene and I went to California.We settled into a little inn on
MalibuBeach,notfarfromwhereDavidlived.Atthetime,hewastheonlypersonweknewinLosAngeles.
Yearslater,Davidtoldmethatwhathefoundmostcharmingaboutuswashowhappy,howjoyouswewere.Whenhe
cametotheinnwithLinda,he'dfindusintheparkinglotplayingbasketballoronthenearbybeach,wherewetooklong
walks.Sometimesheplayedorwalkedwithus.
RelativesandfriendsfromQuebecalsocametovisit.MegoandSuzannecame.SometimespeoplefromSonycame
also.UsuallyitwasVito,whobroughtmusicforustohear.Littlebylittle,whatwouldbecomeourfirstEnglishlanguage
albumtookshape.Itwouldbecomposedexclusivelyoflovesongs.MostoftheapproximatelytwohundredsongsI've
recordedinmylifeareaboutloveitsjoyanditspain.
Wewerealonealot,farfromalltherumorsthatwerecirculatingaboutus.IwasfinallylivingintimatelywiththemanI
loved.Wewereacouple,arealcouple.
Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Icouldbealoverandpretendtobeawife.Icouldslipintothekitchenattheinn,make
somepastaoracake.I'mnotaverygoodcook.Atthehouse,mymotherdideverythingandknewhowtodoeverything.
Outsideofspaghettibolognaise,mytalentsarelimited.Reneisabigeater.Andatthetime,hewasabettercookthanI
was.Headdedspicestomysauce,changingeverything.
He let me sleep very late. I'm a night person and he's a morning person.Around six A.M., he'd tiptoe out to buy
magazinesandnewspaperstoreadontheterrace.Healwayswantedtoknowallthenews
[163]
andeverythingonthesportspage,whetheritwashockey,baseball,football,orboxing.Healwayswantedtoknowwho'd
wonorlostineverygame,everybattle.
WhenIgotuparoundnoon,he'dgetmebackintotheworld.He'dhavemadesomefruitjuiceforme.Sometimeswe
didn'tdoanythingbutwalkonthebeachandenjoythesun.
That winter in California, our days were peaceful. They were the last days that were that way, before the great
whirlwindonceagainsweptusup.
InCalifornia,nobodyknewus.Wecouldleteveryoneseeourloveandourhappiness.
Everythingwasnew.Love,thelandscape,thewords,evenmyvoiceseemednewtome.
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IknewmysingingwouldsounddifferentinEnglish.Whenyouchangefromonelanguagetoanother,theverytexture
ofyourvoicechanges,evenitsregister.
Buttherewassomethingelse.I'dchangedtoo.AndIwasconsciousofit.Icouldseeitinmyself,inmygestures,my
thoughts,inmywholelife.Iwasawomaninfullbloom,confidentofherfemininity,ofherself,otherpowertoattractthe
mansheloved.
IfeltfreerthanI'deverfeltbefore.AttheChartmakerstudiowherewespentoureveningsandsometimesournights,
everybody knew that Rene and I were together. We had nothing to hide. We could kiss, hold hands, call each other
"darling" or "my love" without surprising or offending anyone. I think the freedom and happiness I was experiencing
alsohadaneffectuponmyvoice.Itfeltmoresupple,closertome,freer,brighter.
Asusual,Reneconsideredthiscurrentprojecttobeofthegreatestimportance.
"Thisalbumwillgiveyouanentreeintointernationalshowbusiness.Ifyoumissthemark..."
"Yes,Iknow,darling,ifImissthemark,webothgobacktosquareone.Andstaythereprobablyforlife."
Imadehimlaugh.Alot.I'vealwaysmadehimlaughalot.However,duringtheentireyearwhenwewererecording
Unison,hewasworriedandpreoccupied,alwaysreadytorethinkeverything.Somedayshefeltlikechangingeverything,
beginningalloveragain,tryingsomethingelse,changingthetempo,brassinsteadofstrings,twopianoshere,noguitar
there,oracompletelynewsong.
He and David Foster understood each other perfectly. Foster was detailoriented too, a stickler, never completely
satisfied.Withhimself,withthemusicians,orwithme.Tohearhim,youcouldalwaysdobetter.Youcouldalwaysstart
alloveragain.Andthat'softenwhatwedid.
Sony'sstrategistswerereallyexcitedthatwewereworkingwithDavid,buttogetawiderbuyingaudience,theywanted
metoworkwithotherproducersandcomposersaswell,inotherstudiosandcities.Thatwasfinewithme.WithRenetoo
he'dalwaysbeenobsessedwiththeideaofenlargingmyaudienceandvaryingmyrepertoire.EvenDavidthoughtitwasa
goodidea.EveryonedecidedthatIwouldgofirsttoNewYorktoworkwithAndyGoldmark,thentoLondontoworkwith
ChristopherNeil.
That'showwegotcaughtupinthewhirlwindthatwouldneverletusoutofitsgrip,eventhoughitwouldcreatesome
unbelievablemomentsinourlivesformorethantenyears.
WhenweleftMalibuforNewYorkinthespringof1989,webothknewthatfromthenon,we'dbelivingthelivesof
gypsiesandnomads.Fromthenonwe'donlybepassingthroughMontreal,Paris,LosAngeles,andLasVegas.Passing
[165]
througheverywhere,neverstayingmorethanafewweeksinthesameplace.Thenleavingontour.
Idon'tthinkthatGrandPrixFormulaOnedriversatthewheeloftheirracecarshavemuchtimetoadmirethescenery.
Buttheyliveintensely,ofthatI'msure.Actually,theyseethescenerydifferentlythanwedo.Theyseeanotherkindof
scenery.Likethem,Iwasgoingtoflythroughtheyearsofmyyouthlikeabatoutofhell.Thestopswouldbefewand
short.ButI'dseethingsthatthemajorityofpeopledon'tgettoseeIwasgoingtoleadanotherkindofveryintense,full
life.TheoneI'dalwaysdreamedofliving.SomuchsothatIoftenhadthefeelingthatIalreadyknewallofit.I'dbeenin
thesestudios,heardthismusic,workedwiththesemusicians.Inanotherlife,maybe.Attimes,everythingwaslikedeja
vuIknewitallalready.
IwasathomeinLosAngeles.As comfortable at the Chartmaker as I was in the SaintCharles studio in Longueuil,
Quebec, or the Family Song in Paris, where I'd made my first recordings. I often sang in front of complete strangers,
people from the industry, musicians who were curious to hear my voice, a whole audience of connoisseurs and
professionals.Andontwooccasions,Iwasaskedtododuetsonotheralbums,onewithBillyNewtonDavis,theother
withDanHill.
LosAngeles can give a singer more visibility than anywhere. It was there that I'd very soon enter the world of
internationalshowbusiness,the"bigtime,"asRenecalledit,byappearingonTheTonightShow.I'dsingattheOscars
before the most glamorous audience imaginable.And Prince, as he wished to be called then, would see me and would
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writeasongformecalled"WithThisTear"thatIwouldincludeonmysecondEnglishlanguagealbum,CelineDion.
InNewYork,Ialsofeltathomerightaway.It'saharsh,in
yourfacecitythatyoucanquicklygrowattachedto.NotatallcoollikeLosAngeles,butvibrantandenergizing.Everybodytalksto
everybody,toucheseverybody,asifthey'veknowneachotherforever.
AndyGoldmark,aswellasthetechniciansandmusicianshedirected("thebestintheworld,"accordingtoRene),welcomedmeasif
Iwereoneofthem.Nomoreandnoless.Wedidthesong"Unison"together,whichisasongforthestage,very"danceable,"power
ful,andphysicallydemanding.
Someartistscanspendawholecareeronlythroughrecordings,neverperformingonstage.ButIliketodoboth.Recordinganalbum
formeisalittlelikepreparingthesuppliesand"ammunition"thatIcanlatertakeontour.Whenwechoosesongs,wetakeintoaccount
theirstagepotential.
Andywasafirm,rigorousdirector.Fromthebeginning,heknewthesoundandrhythmshewanted.InBritain,ChrisNeildidthings
adifferentway.Ratherthanimposinghisvisiononme,asFosterandGoldmarkhaddone,hehelpedmefindthesoundandrhythmsI
wanted.Thiswasaverynewexperienceforme.Atfirst,itthrewmeoffbalance.Knowingwhatyouwantisn'talwayssosimple.Espe
cially when you've spent years letting others choose for you. There's a great temptation to rely on them again. But Chris wanted to
consultwithmeabouteverything.Intheend,thistaughtmealotaboutmyselfandmytastes.
Hehadwantedtomeetwithmeseveralweeksbeforetherecordingsessiontopreparetheorchestratracksandthearrangementsfor
"WhereDoesMyHeartBeatNow?"HewantedtoknowwhatkeyI'dbesingingin,butalsohowIwantedtowork.
Atthebeginning,Ididn'tknowhowtoanswer.ItriedtotellhimthatIworkedbestwhenallthepeoplearoundmewereinvolvedand
wantedtodoagoodjob.
[167]
But he wanted to know more: "Tell me where, when, and how you like to work. Mornings? Evenings?At night? Do you want
candlelight?Doyouprefertosinginabooth?Doyouwantalotofpeoplearoundyou?"
RenehadtoldhimthatIdidn'tliketosing,oreventalk,beforenoon.AndthatIwasn'tcompletelymyselfuntilafterthreeorfour
o'clockintheafternoon.SoChrisscheduledstudiosandengineersfortheevening.
I told him not to worry about the ambience. I've always loved recording studios and feel good in them.They put you outside the
world,outsideoftime.ParisorLosAngeles,noonormidnight,it'sallthesame.
Ihaveagoodmemoryforsongs.WhenIhearthemtwoorthreetimes,Iknowthembyheart,wordsandmusic.Ipreparetheminmy
head,butitnevertakeslong.WhenIenterthestudio,I'mready.Thesonghastakenform.
Thedayoftherecording,everythinghappenedveryquickly.Ididatake,asawarmup,whilewaitingforReneandVito,whowere
playingpoolinthenextroom."Thatwasperfect,"saidChris.
Andherantotellthepoolplayersthatwe'ddoneit.Welistenedtotherecording.Justtoputourmindsatrest,wedidanothertake.
Butitwasthefirstonethatendeduponthealbum.
ReneandVitowereecstatic.Theydroppedmeoffatthehotelandwenttogambleatthecasino.Notreallytomakeanymoney,but
tomakesurethatluckwasreallywithus.Rene'sfamoustheoryofpatterns...Laterthatnight,whenhereturnedtothehotel,hewoke
meuptotellmehe'dwonbigandhewasabsolutelypositivethatthesongwouldgoveryfar.Andsowouldwe.
"You'lldoTheTonightShowwiththatsong,"hekeptrepeatingtome."I'mtellingyouit'sgoingtohappen."
Aftermymother'sheartsurgery,I'dboughtahouseinQuebec,atSainteAnnedesLacs,sothatshecouldrest.Itwasa
largehouseinwhicheverythingwalls,ceilings,floors,furniturewaswhite,andithadimmensewindows.Soithadalot
of light, almost too much, especially in winter when the snow covered the lake and the forest. You needed to wear
sunglasses almost the whole day. But my parents loved that houseand so did I. In the fall, after I'd finished recording
Unison,Ispentseveralweeksthere.
Formorethanayear,I'dlivedalmostcontinuallyinhotelsintheheartofverylargecities,suchasLosAngeles,New
York,Paris,andLondon.NowIneededcleanairandplentyofspace.Iwantedtoreflectonwhatwashappeningtome.
WhenReneandIwereinQuebec,wehadtopretendnottobetogether.WhenjournalistsaskedmeifIwasinlove,I
keptansweringthatIdidn'thavethetimeorplaceinmyheart,inmylifeorcareer,foraman.
Theserepeatedlies,whichIliveddaybyday,sometimescausedmealotofpain.Iwasconfusedandtorn.
I'djustrecordedmyfirstalbuminEnglish.Twelvesongsthatalltalkedaboutlove,aboutgreatpassions.Iwasgetting
ready to shoot a video in New Orleans in which I'd appear as a very sexy, provocative young woman, looking like
someonewho'dhadalotofexperiencewithlove.ForthepressphotosthatwerebeingshotforthelaunchofUnison,
expertsdidmyhair,mymakeup,anddressedmetolookevensexier.Iwaswearingtightjeansandawhitecamisolethat
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showedmyshouldersandstomach.
Ontheonehand,inreallife,IwassupposedtokeepclaimingthatIwasayounggirlwhoknewnothingaboutlove.On
theother
[169]
hand,onstageandscreenandinmysongs,Iwassupposedtobehavelikeamature,fulfilled,muchlovedwoman.Itwas
justagame,ofcourse,justshowbusinessandmakebelieve.Butitwasalsoanupsidedownkindofworld.
Strangely,itwasintheworldofshowbusiness,theworldofillusionandfiction,inthesongs,videos,photos,where
everylieanddisguiseisallowed,thatIwastellingthetruth.Inreallife,whereIwouldliketohavebeenfrank,Ihadto
forcemyselftolieeveryday,toclaimthattherewasnoloveinmylife.Mygreatestdreamwasforthewholeworldto
knowthatReneandIlovedeachother,thatwemadelovetogether,thatwewantedtohavechildrensomeday,thatwe
weregoingtospendourlivestogether.ButRenesaidno.
"It'stoosoon.Justwait."
However,moreandmorepeopleknewverywellwhatwasgoingon.AsPaulBurger,whohadjustbecomepresidentof
SonyCanada,recalledseveralyearslater:"AssoonasIsawyou,Iknewthatyouweretogether.Itwasobvious.AndI
neverunderstoodwhyyoutooksolongtosayit."
"You'dbetteraskRenethatquestion."
Paulhadcometoseeme,atSainteAnnedesLacs.Asusual,thehousewasfilledwithpeoplemyparents,mybrothers
andsisters,Rene,hischildren.We'dalreadybecomethecenterofattentionforbothourfamilies.
PaulwasAmerican,buthe'dlivedin Israel,France,andEngland.Hespokeseverallanguages,includingFrenchwith
mymotherandmysisters,whothoughthewashandsomeandverycharming.Hewasgoingtobecomeaclose,valued
friend.Andforyearshe'dplayaveryimportantroleinmycareer.
He'dcometotellus,amongotherthings,thathewasn'taltogethersatisfiedwiththesongswe'drecordedforUnison.
"Ithinkit'smissingacouplemorerhythmicsongsthatcouldreallyshowoffyourvoice.Ifyousayit'sokay,we'llgobacktothe
studio,whereveryouwant,andwithwhomeveryouwant."
IchoseLondon,withChrisNeil.
Rene was thrilled. He was very satisfied with several of the recorded songs, but he too thought that the whole thing lacked
something.Buthe'dbeenafraidthatSonywouldrefusetoinvestmoreinanalbumthathadalreadycostsomuchtoproduce.
ThatdayatSainteAnnedesLacs,Paulbegantotalktomeaboutmylook,tellingmehefounditalittle"old."Thiswashiswayof
sayingwithoutreallysayingthathethoughtitwas"outofit."Hetoldmeagainthatasingerhastohavealook.
"I'msureyou'renotdressinglikeyou'dliketo."
Itwastrue.Ihadsongsthatwerelikeme.ButtheclothesIwaswearingweren'treallysayinganything.Quiteoftentheyhadpracti
callynothingtodowithme.AndthiswastruedespitethefactthatIhadafullwardrobeatleastahundredpairsofshoes,ahundred
dresses,threeorfourfurcoats,tonsofunderwear,andfinelingerie.InNewYorkandParis,Iwentaroundtoalltheshops.Ifollowed
fashioncarefully.ButallIwasdoingwasfollowingwhatotherpeopleweredoing.
"That'snotatallwhatyou'vegottodo,"saidPaul."You'vegottocreatethefashion."
Iwantedtodothis.ButIwasn'tthetypetoprovokepeoplebyplayingacharacter,likeMadonna,whohadalreadyestablishedaper
sonalkindoftheaterandlegendaroundherself.
Ilovedtoexperimentwithdifferentlooksformyself,butwhatIlovedaboveallwastosing,thephysicalpleasureofsingingbefore
acrowd.Thebiggerthecrowdandthestage,themorepleasureItookinit.
Iknewverywellthatmyvoicewaswhattouchedpeople,notany
[171]
kindoflookImightcreate.Iknewthis,butIalsoknewthatwhatPaulwassayingwasalsoright.
Ihadthesupportofaverypowerfulmultinationalcompany.Closetome,anattentiveandexperienced,passionatemanager,who
wasgettingtoknowtheinsandoutsofAmericanshowbusinessbetterandbettereveryday.
Nohopewasbeyondrealizing.Mylifewastrulybeginningtoresembleafairytale.
ShortlyafterthereleaseofUnison,IacceptedaroleinaTVminiseriescalledDesFleurssurlaneige(FlowersontheSnow).Iplayeda
youngwomannamedElisa,who'dbeenabandonedatanearlyagebyhermother,beatenbyheralcoholicfather,rapedbyherfatherin
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law,abusedbyawicked,brutalhusband....Anunbearablyrealstory.
Forseveralweeks,then,Ilivedtheoppositeofmyfairytalelife,spendingeverydayinthedeepestregionsofhell.NolongerwasI
the singer preparing to conquer theAmerican popmusic market I was a poor, defeated, unfortunate girl, without money, without a
future,withoutanyothergoalinlifebuttoescapefromahorribleenvironment.
Filmingwasdifficult.Firstofall,itwasfrighteningtoassumethepersonaofsuchapitiful,threatened,andwoundedcharacter.Ihad
tolearntowalkasifIwereroundshouldered,keepmyeyeslowered,talkinalowvoice,actlikeavictim.
Especiallyatthebeginning,Ifeltacertainanimositycomingfromtheactorswho'dstudiedtheaterandwhosawmeasanintruder.In
away,thishelpedmetogetintothemindofElisa,whowasalsorejectedandscornedbyhercontemporaries.Ithelpedmeplayittothe
hilt,toreallyliveherhell.
Iplayedalotofveryviolentscenes,onbothapsychologicalandaphysicallevel.WhenIwassupposedtocry,Ireally
criedwhenIwassupposedtosuffer,Isuffered.Afterafewdays,blackandbluemarkscoveredmybodyandmyheart
feltcrushed.Iwasafraidofeverybody.Itwasterrible.ButIlovedtheexperience.Andsincethen,I'vedreamedofbeingin
amovie.Toplayacharacter,enterhermindandreallygiveherasoul,isaunique,marvelousexperience.
One Friday evening, when I was on my way back to SainteAnnedesLacs after a long day of shooting, I saw Rene's
nephewMartin'scaronthehighway.HewasbringingKarinetospendtheweekendatmyplace.ThefreshLaurentideair
woulddohergood.Herillnessmadeherweakerandweaker,moreandmorepaleanddefeated.Butshe'dkepthersmile,
andwasstillfighting.
As I passed Martin's car, I gave him a big smile and waved to him. Then I lost control of my car, which skidded
violentlyinacircleandwentofftheroadbackward.
Iwasn'thurt,butthecarwasheavilydamaged.Ican'trememberreallybeingafraid.Onthecontrary,youcouldsaythat
theshockwokemeup,jarredmeoutofElisa'scharacter,andputmebackinmyown.
Atthetime,Ibelievedthatnothingbadcouldhappentome.Ihadtoomanyplansintheworks,toomanyhopesand
dreamsinmymind,theyhadtoberealized.
Iwouldsoondiscoverthatnothingisthatsimple.Wishinganddreamingaren'talwaysenough.Thisdoesn'tmeanthere
aren'tperiodsinyourlifewhenyoufeelinvulnerable.AndIwasinoneofthoseperiods.
WhenReneheardabouttheaccidentfrommymother,hehurried
[173]
fromLasVegasinapanic.Hesworehe'dneverleavemeagainwhenIwasworking.
Iknewthathispromisewouldbeimpossibletokeep.Iknewthatwe'dalwaysbedifferentfromothercouples.Hehad
hispassionsLasVegas,gambling,golfhisfriends,hiswork,awholenetworkofcontactshewasestablishinginmajor
Americanshowbusinesscircles.Ibelieve,andalwayswillbelievethatawomancan'tpreventthepersonshelovesfrom
leadingthelifeofhisdreamsorfromhavinghisownworld.Andviceversa.Otherwise,theirunionbecomesakindof
slavery.Eachpersongetsalittlesmallerandhisportionofhappiness,hisstockofdreams,diminishes.Andinevitablythe
couplediminishestoo.
Ofcourse,Iwashappywhenhewaswithme.Whenhetalkedtomeaboutourplansorwhenhetoldmeaboutthe
fabulousadventuresoftheBeatlesoroftheKing.ButIalsolovedhimforhispassionforgambling,ofeverysort,forhis
needtobeconstantlysurroundedbyhisfriends.Ilovedhimbecausehewasfreeandunpredictable.Ilovedhimevenfor
hisabsences,hisactualphysicalabsences,whenheleftforLasVegasorLosAngeles.ThenIdreamedofhimwetalked
oftenandforalongtimeonthetelephoneandhisvoicecontinuedtodelightme.
I also loved him for those moments he spent lost in space, even when he was around me, deep in reverie, thinking
aboutwhatweoughttodo,whathe'dsaytothebossesatSonyortoaparticularreporter.Iknewhewasworkingtobuild
mycareer,puttingallhistalentintoit,allhistimeandlove.OneofthethingshelovedaboutmewastheconfidenceIhad
inhimandmyabilitytobeautonomousandindependent.Ididn'tplaythechildwomanwithhim.Iplayedawomanwho
wasmatureandstrong.I'dbecomethekindofwomanheliked.Afreewomanwhotrustedhimandknewhowtolethim
befree.
Iplayedalotofveryviolentscenes,onbothapsychologicalandaphysicallevel.WhenIwassupposedtocry,Ireally
criedwhenIwassupposedtosuffer,Isuffered.Afterafewdays,blackandbluemarkscoveredmybodyandmyheart
feltcrushed.Iwasafraidofeverybody.Itwasterrible.ButIlovedtheexperience.Andsincethen,I'vedreamedofbeingin
amovie.Toplayacharacter,enterhermindandreallygiveherasoul,isaunique,marvelousexperience.
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One Friday evening, when I was on my way back to SainteAnnedesLacs after a long day of shooting, I saw Rene's
nephewMartin'scaronthehighway.HewasbringingKarinetospendtheweekendatmyplace.ThefreshLaurentideair
woulddohergood.Herillnessmadeherweakerandweaker,moreandmorepaleanddefeated.Butshe'dkepthersmile,
andwasstillfighting.
As I passed Martin's car, I gave him a big smile and waved to him. Then I lost control of my car, which skidded
violentlyinacircleandwentofftheroadbackward.
Iwasn'thurt,butthecarwasheavilydamaged.Ican'trememberreallybeingafraid.Onthecontrary,youcouldsaythat
theshockwokemeup,jarredmeoutofElisa'scharacter,andputmebackinmyown.
Atthetime,Ibelievedthatnothingbadcouldhappentome.Ihadtoomanyplansintheworks,toomanyhopesand
dreamsinmymind,theyhadtoberealized.
Iwouldsoondiscoverthatnothingisthatsimple.Wishinganddreamingaren'talwaysenough.Thisdoesn'tmeanthere
aren'tperiodsinyourlifewhenyoufeelinvulnerable.AndIwasinoneofthoseperiods.
WhenReneheardabouttheaccidentfrommymother,hehurried
[173]
fromLasVegasinapanic.Hesworehe'dneverleavemeagainwhenIwasworking.
Iknewthathispromisewouldbeimpossibletokeep.Iknewthatwe'dalwaysbedifferentfromothercouples.Hehad
hispassionsLasVegas,gambling,golfhisfriends,hiswork,awholenetworkofcontactshewasestablishinginmajor
Americanshowbusinesscircles.Ibelieve,andalwayswillbelievethatawomancan'tpreventthepersonshelovesfrom
leadingthelifeofhisdreamsorfromhavinghisownworld.Andviceversa.Otherwise,theirunionbecomesakindof
slavery.Eachpersongetsalittlesmallerandhisportionofhappiness,hisstockofdreams,diminishes.Andinevitablythe
couplediminishestoo.
Ofcourse,Iwashappywhenhewaswithme.Whenhetalkedtomeaboutourplansorwhenhetoldmeaboutthe
fabulousadventuresoftheBeatlesoroftheKing.ButIalsolovedhimforhispassionforgambling,ofeverysort,forhis
needtobeconstantlysurroundedbyhisfriends.Ilovedhimbecausehewasfreeandunpredictable.Ilovedhimevenfor
hisabsences,hisactualphysicalabsences,whenheleftforLasVegasorLosAngeles.ThenIdreamedofhimwetalked
oftenandforalongtimeonthetelephoneandhisvoicecontinuedtodelightme.
I also loved him for those moments he spent lost in space, even when he was around me, deep in reverie, thinking
aboutwhatweoughttodo,whathe'dsaytothebossesatSonyortoaparticularreporter.Iknewhewasworkingtobuild
mycareer,puttingallhistalentintoit,allhistimeandlove.OneofthethingshelovedaboutmewastheconfidenceIhad
inhimandmyabilitytobeautonomousandindependent.Ididn'tplaythechildwomanwithhim.Iplayedawomanwho
wasmatureandstrong.I'dbecomethekindofwomanheliked.Afreewomanwhotrustedhimandknewhowtolethim
befree.
"Iknowthatyou'resincere,"I'dtellhim."Ibelieveyou,butIwon'tholditagainstyou,Iswear,ifyoudon'tkeepyour
promises."
AndImademyownpromisestohim.
"I am never going to stop you from traveling, playing blackjack or golf at the other end of the earth, with Marc,
Jacques,Ben,Rosaire,andtheothers.Iloveyouasyouare.Don'tchange.We'llalwaystelleachothereverything."
Ievenacceptedthathewantedtokeepourloveasecret.Especiallywhenwewereinthethickofthings,aswewere
that summer, with a thousand things to do and our entire lives changing constantly.At times I was really very happy,
fulfilled.
Thedayaftertheaccident,hetalkedtomeabouttheprojectshe'dbeenworkingoninLasVegas.Firstheletmeknow
thatthealbumUnisonwasn'ttakingoffasfastashe'dhoped.IthadbeenexpresslyconceivedfortheAmericanmarket,
butithadbarelygottenoutofQuebec.DespitethebigpublicitycampaignI'ddoneinEnglishspeakingCanada,noneof
theradiostationswereplayingmysonginToronto,Vancouver,orHalifax.AndthebossesatSonyUSAhaddecidedto
waittoreleaseitintheUnitedStates.
Somuchforthebadnews.Heprobablyneverwouldhavetoldmeaboutitifhehadn'talsohadsomegoodnews,or
rather,asolutiontoourproblems.
In Las Vegas, he'd learned that SonyInternational was holding its annual convention that summer at the Chateau
FrontenacinQuebec.He'dralliedPaulBurgerandtheentireadministrativestaffofSonyCanadaintoconvincingthebig
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executivestoletmesingtwosmallsongsduringtheconvention.
IfanyoneintheworldknewReneAngelil'scharm,itwasme.Nevertheless,Iwasfascinatedandamazedbyhistalent
formakingconnections,forbuildingbridges.
Itooliketalkingtopeople,butIdon'thavehissenseoforganization.Iwouldn'taskpeopleImettocomeonboardmy
boat,evenif
[175]
Ifoundthemsuperlikable.Healwaysdidthis.Whenhethoughtthatsomeonecouldbringussomething,heinvitedhimor
heronboard.
WhenwebegantoputtogetherUnisoninMalibu,hequicklygottoknowawholelotofpeopleinshowbusiness.If
we needed a trumpet player or a triangle player, he knew the best one and where to find him. So Unison was a high
quality,technicallyimpeccablealbum.
"Youknowit'sagreatalbum,don'tyou,Celine?"
"Yes,Iknowitis."
"Nowwehavetogetitlistenedtoandgetitonthemarket.TodothatweneedthesupportofSony'sbigpublicity
machine.Whenthey'veseenyousinginQuebec,they'llpulloutallthestops,you'llsee."
InQuebec,Ihadtosingatninethirtyinthemorning,whiletherepsandjournalistswerehavingtheirbreakfast.Idon't
thinkI'deversungbeforenoon,eveninCharlemagne,growingupinahousethatwasalwaysfullofmusic.
What's more, I knew a lot of the reps would only be halfawake. Most would have been partying the night before.
Quebecisabigpartytown.Theywouldn'treallywanttohearagirlsingingalongwithsomeorchestratracks.
Igotupatdawn,soIcouldproperlywakeup,eat,anddomyvoiceexercisesandstretches.Renehadtoldmethatall
thebigSonybosseswouldbeinattendance,alongwiththemostimportantshowbusinessreportersfromAmerica.Again,
itwasnoworneverorwe'dgobacktosquareone.
Renehadhadapowerfulsoundsysteminstalledintheballroomofthechateau,powerfulenoughtoshakenearbyCape
Diamantandwakeupthedead.
I sang "Where Does My Heart Beat Now?" for them.At ninethirty in the morning, while they were having their second cup of
coffee.Foronelongmoment,theyseemedfrozen.SomuchsothatIalmostburstoutlaughing.
Whenmysongwasfinished,Istoodthere,stockstill.Iheardthecracklingofamps,myeyescaughtRene'shewasattheveryback
oftheroom.Itseemedtomethathetoowaswonderingwhathadhappened.Nothing,forseveralseconds.Thentheyexploded.They
gotupenmasseandgavemeathunderousovation,allthebigbossesofSony,thejournalistsfromHollywoodandBroadway,andfrom
TroisRivieres,Vald'Or,andSeptIlesinQuebec.
ThenextdaytheseniorexecutiveatSonymetwithRene.He'ddecidedtoreleaseUnisonintheUnitedStatesearlierthanoriginally
planned.Hewasgoingtoorganizeavastpublicitycampaignusingthecompany'sbeststrategists.We'ddoneit.
Twomonthslater,thepredictionthatRenehadmadetomeinLondon,infrontofVitoandChrisNell,thedaywerecorded"Where
Does My Heart Beat Now?" came true. I'd sing that same song on TheTonightShow withJay Lenoand The Late Show with David
LettermaninfrontofIdon'tknowhowmanytensofmillionsofpeople.OfallthesongsIrecorded,itwasthefirsttoreallytakeoffin
theUnitedStatesandlaterinothercountries.It'salsothankstothatsongthatJamesHornerandWillJennings,thecomposerandlyricist
of"MyHeartWillGoOn,"fromthemovieTitanic,gottoknowmeandwantedtoworkwithme.
I'doftengonetoLosAngeles,I'dalreadytraveledalotinAmericaandEurope,eveninJapan,andoftenwentfirstclass.Butitwas
duringthisthreeorfourdaytriptoLosAngelesthatforthefirsttimeIhadtheimpressionofreallybelongingtothelegendary"big
time,"asRenehadcalledit.
InthelimousinethattookustoourhotelinBeverlyHills,Iheard
[177]
oneofmysongsonAmericanradioforthefirsttime.Theannouncerpronouncedmyname"CeleeennDionn"(inFrenchyoudon'tpro
nouncetheninDion)andsaidacoupleofwordsaboutUnison,whichwouldbeavailableinafewdays.RenewasJubilant.Heasked
thechauffeurifheknewthegirlwhohadjustsung.
"Don'thavetheslightestidea."
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SoRenerepeatedmynameforhimtwoorthreetimes.
Infrontofourhotel,heaskedthechauffeurhisname,whichIthinkwasBrian.
"Brian,meetCeleenDionn."
IshookthehandBrianheldouttomeandIcalledReneabigbaby.But,likehim,Iwasabsolutelythrilled.
Thenextafternoon,stillwithBrian,wewenttoSunsetBoulevardtoseethewindowsofthemostwellknownrecordstoreinthe
world,TowerRecords.
Therewerethreegiantdisplays,thousandsofrecordsbyGeorgeMichael,NewKidsontheBlock,andCelineDion.Therewasabig
posterwithmymugonit.Overitwasabannerwiththewords:
REMEMBERTHENAME,BECAUSEYOUWILLNEVERFORGETTHEVOICE.
Immediately, I thought of that first TV show I'd done in France, Michel Drucker's ChampsElysees,whenI'd sung "D'Amour ou
d'amitie."Later,atGuyandDodos,Reneneverstoppedrepeatingthewordsthehostoftheprogramhadusedtointroduceme,when
he'dsaidtotheviewers:"You'llneverforgetthevoiceyou'reabouttohear.Sorememberthisname:CelineDion."
Thatfeltlikeaneternityago,andatthesametimeitfeltlikeyesterday.
TheairfeltverygentleinLosAngeles.ReneandIwalkedhandinhandforalongwhilewithoutspeaking.I'msurewewerethinking
thesamething.We'djustcomefullcircle.Andwewereonthevergeofrealizingourwildestdreams.ThegreatgatesofAmericanshow
businesshadopenedwideforus.Inafewmonths,wecouldenterthemwiththeshowthatwe'dpreparedandthatwewere
goingtobreakinacrossQuebecandEnglishspeakingCanada.Everythingseemedtohavebeenwritteninthestars,likea
beautifulscorethatweweregoingtoperforminastateofelation.
ButfirstI'dhavetofaceoneofthemostterribleordealsofmywholecareer.Thistime,theantewouldberaisedhigher
thanever,anditwouldn'tbeReneorIwhowouldraiseit.
I had to begin the Unison tour by doing four shows in a row for my wonderful Quebecois audience. Two in Drum
mondvilleandtwoinSherbrooke.
Thetragedyhappenedonthethirdnight.
Myvoicebrokeallofasudden.Itcameapartlikewetpaper.
It was like entering a vacuum, total darkness. I felt as if I were blowing into a punctured balloon.At that moment I
believedmyvoicewouldneverreturn.Orthatitwouldcomebackcompletelyundone,changed,unrecognizable.Duringa
guitarsolo,IgaveasignaltothestagemanagerthatIcouldnotgoon.Renewentonstagetotelltheaudiencewhathad
happenedandtoassurethemthatI'dcomebacktotheshowlater,inafewdaysorweeks,assoonasIcould.Thenpeople
began to applaud. They stood up to show me their sympathy and support. After that, I dissolved into tears. I found
Suzanneinthewingsandshewascryingtoo.AndMego.Everybodywascryingorwassilent.
Renecameintotheroomandtookmyheadinhishands.Infrontofthemusiciansandtechnicians,butasifwewere
aloneintheworld,hekissedme,hetookmeintohisarmsverytenderlyandrockedme.Wewerestandingatthefootof
thestaircasethatledtothestage.Hewasn'tcrying,
Hesaidtome:"Stopcrying,stopcrying.It'llbeokay.You'llsec."
[179]
Hewasright.Everythingwasgoingtobeokay,butactually,thatexperiencewouldturnmywholelifearound,change
allmyhabits,mybody,mymind.Andasaconsequence,itchangedmyvoice.I'mnotexaggerating.Theysaythereis
somegoodinallevil.Inthisparticularcase,itturnedouttobemorethantrue.Iwasgoingtolearnagreatdealfromthe
accidentthathappenedtomeonthatfalleveninginSherbrooke.
WecamebacktoMontrealinthenight,bothofussilent,terrified,butatthesametime,wewere"together."Thebig
premiereinMontrealwasatleasttwoweeksaway.Now,justaswehadgottensoclosetoourgoal,everythingseemedto
havecollapsed.
Thenextmorning,RenecalledthepersoneveryoneconsidersthebestotolaryngologistinQuebecDr.MarcelBelzile.I'll
neverforgethisname,hisconcernandkindness,andthethingshetaughtmeaboutmyvoice.
HisofficeisinLongueuil,onthesouthbankoftheSt.LawrenceRiver.IspentthenightatmyplaceinDuvernay,inthe
northernsuburbsofMontreal.ThismeantthatReneandIhadtocrosstheentirecity,inthemiddleofrushhourandacross
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twobridges.Aftersittinginbumpertobumpertrafficforagoodhalfhour,itbecameclearthatwe'dbelateunlesswetook
thesubway,somethingI'ddoneafewtimeswithMamanormysistersorinParisorTokyo.Butonthisday,Ireallydidn't
wanttobethere.Allthepassagewaysandstaircasesdowntothesubwaywerebeingsweptbyviolentgustsofwind.Itwas
astrange,ratherunusualkindofwind,acoldonebadlymixedwithawarmone,andthere'snothingworseforyourthroat
andlungs.
Iwassad,anguished,andinahurry.Icertainlyhadnoneedtominglewiththecrowd.Andpeoplewerecomingfrom
allover.ButIhadnochoice.IfIwantedtofinishmytourandmakemycomeback
inMontreal,IhadtoseeDr.Belzile,andtogetthere,Ihadtotakethesubway.
I was wearing a coat with a hood, which I'd pulled around my face. People seemed intrigued by this, but nobody
recognizedme.Infact,nobodywantedtorecognizeme,outofrespectforRene,Ithink.HewasaswellknowninQuebec
asIwas,andhadbeenforalongertimeeverybodymusthaverecognizedhim.Consequently,theyoughttohaveknown
whowaswithhimhidingunderthehood.Butnobodybotheredusinanyway.Ithinkeveryoneunderstoodthatsomething
unusualorseriouswashappening.
EveryonemusthaveseenbyRene'ssomberairthathewasn'tinthemoodforlaughingorchatting.
It'sonethingthatI'llalwayslikeaboutpeoplefromQuebec,thatpolitenessandkindness,thatunderstandingthatthey
haveforeachother.Theyrespectedthefactthatwewereridingthesubwayincognito.Allthatintuitiveunderstandingthey
showedusreallymovedme.
ThatdayIrealized,asIlookedaroundme,thatIwasn'tleadingthelifeofMissEverybody.Ibegantoobservepeople
discreetly. It was my world these were the faces I saw each evening in the places where I sang. I watched them and
listened to them. I told myself they were the people for whom I was working. They were the people who applauded,
listened,lovedme.TheyweretheaudienceI'dbesingingforinafewdaysattheSaintDenisTheater.
We had to change trains, I think, at the BerrideMontigny station. Rene, who most probably hadn't ever taken the
subway in his whole life, began asking passengers for directions.A young boy, a student, offered to show us the way,
askingnothinginreturn,notevenahandshake.Hedidn'ttrytoseewhowashidingunderthehood.Buthecertainlyknew
Iwasthere.Whenheleftus,hesaid:"Goodluck,MonsieurAngelil."
Fiveminuteslater,wewereatDr.Belzile'soffice,whichwasright
[181]
above the subway station. In my mind, I expected this whole thing to last a few minutes. He'd examine me, prescribe
medicineforme,orgivemeashot.He'dtellmetorestanddrinkplentyoffluids.AndI'dbeabletosingthenextday.
That'sprettymuchwhathedid.Buthealsogavemeawholelecturethatwouldforcemetorethinkmycareerfromtop
tobottom.Hegavemethescareofmylife.
"Yourvocalcordsarefatiguedandirritated,becauseyouhaven'ttakengoodcareofthem.You'vetreatedthembadly.
Youcankeepsingingforawhile,butsoonerorlater,you'vegottogiveyourvoicearestforseveraldays,maybeweeks.If
youdon't,you'llneedsurgery.Theoperationmight,probablywill,changethetimbreofyourvoice."
SoIwasatriskofbecomingakindoffemaleJoeCocker!"Vocalcordsarefragilelittlecreaturesthataresurroundedwith
enemies,"thedoctorcontinued,"asmuchinsideyouasintheairyoubreathe."
ContrarytowhatI'dthought,dropsintemperatureorblastsofheataren'ttheworstenemiesofavoice.Avoiceingood
conditioncanresistsuchattacks.Cigarettesmoke,dust,andpollutionaremuchmoredangerousirritants.Butworstofall
arestress,fatigue,andilluse.
Youcanalwaysbanishsmokefromyourenvironment.Dustaswell.Youcankeepawayfrompeoplewiththefluora
cold.Butlivingwithoutstressorfatiguewhenyourdreamistosinginfrontofthelargestaudiencesandthroughoutthe
world is a whole other ball game. I knew that, in my case, this was the problem. The problem was fatigue, overwork,
pressure,andconstantstress.
"Andalso,andofgreatimportance,thewayyou'vemistreatedyourvocalcordsfortoolongatime,"Dr.Belzileadded.
Heexplainedtousthatthenodulesorpolypsthatdeveloponvocalcordsandfinallyrobthemofalotofflexibilityand
elasticityarerarelycausedbyaninfection.Rather,theycomefromanerrorin
technique. An inexperienced singer who forces her voice, by, for example, singing outside her natural register, or by
pushinghervoicebeyondherlimits,candangerouslyharmhervocalcords.Youhavetoknowhowtoforce,learnhowto
position,yourvoice.
"Icancureyouforthetimebeing.IcanapplyamixtureofcortisoneandZylocainedirectlytoyourvocalcords.Itwill
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haveshorttermeffectsthatwillseemmiraculoustoyou.Evenifyou'vealmostcompletelylostyourvoiceatthetime,
you'llregainthebetterpartofyourvoiceinafewhours.Butthereareverygraverisks.Ifyouresortregularlytothiskind
of medication, you may provoke ruptures and tears. Then you could become incapable of singing for weeks or even
months.Youcouldalsowreckyourvoicepermanently.Thenyou'dhavenorecourse.Evenanoperationwouldbeuseless,"
Helookedmestraightintheeye,veryintensely,Icouldsensethathisdeepestdesirewastohealme.Iwastouchedbyhis
compassion.
"You know, I'm really serious," he told me. "Once, maybe twice, you can use these kind of medicines.And on the
conditionthatyoudon'tforceyourvoicetoomuch.Thenyou'vegottolearnhowtosingagain."
Ilappeduphiswords.Iunderstoodallofit,thedangersI'dbeencourting,themistakesI'dmade.RightthenandthereI
mademyresolutions.I'dgetbetter,I'dchange.I'dfleeanysmoky,dusty,orpollutedenvironment.I'davoidminglingwith
thecrowdandendthosegroupvisitsinmydressingroom.I'dstophuggingeverybodylikeIalwaysdid.
AndI'dneverletmyselfgetovertiredagain.Fromthenon,I'dmakeitmydutytosleepwellandforalongtime,to
relax,tounwindasmuchaspossiblefromallstress.I'dalsoeatwell,nottoomuchandonlygoodthings.Iwasalsogoing
tolaughalotandbehappy,becauseitswellknownthatlaughterandhappinessaregoodforthehealthandareenemiesof
stress.
[183]
Firstandforemost,Iwasgoingtoridmyselfofwhatthedoctorhadcalledmy"singer'sbadhabits."I'dlearntosing
again.Gobacktosquareone,ifIhadto,startpracticingthemostelementaryscales.IleftDr.Belzilesofficewiththese
resolutionsstuckfirmlyinmyhead.Ifeltlikeasoldierwholeavesforwar.AndIwascertainofmyrecovery.Iknewthat
itdependedonlyonme.Dr.Belzilehadsaiditandsaiditagain,
"Youcanrecoverifyouwantto,"hesaid."It'suptoyou."
Wewereabouttoleavewhenheadded,"IwouldfeelbetterifyouwouldconsultDr.WilliamGouldinNewYork.He's
the best ear, nose, and throat man in the world. He taught me everything I know. He could tell you if you needed an
operationorwhetheryouhadotheroptions."
WehadbeenwarnedthatatsomepointsoonImighthavetostopdoinganyconcertsforatleastamonth.IknewI
would benefit from seeing Dr. Gould. I just hoped it wasn't too late, and that he would teach me how to maintain and
protectmyvoice.
Aftertwodaysofsilence,Iwentbacktothetour.Beforemyshows,Ididwarmups,singingexercises.Betweenshows,Ikeptsilent.I
knewthatmylifeasasingerhadjusttakenanimportantturn.
Ifeltalittlelikethosegirlswho,inthepast,usedtoenteraconvent.Iimaginedtheminastateofexaltation,butalsofrightenedby
theprospectoflivingtheirwholelives,untiltheveryend,inthepresenceofGod,insilenceandprayer,alone.Foryearsmylifewas
goingtoresembletheirs,alifeofdisciplineandselfdenial,ofsilenceandmeditation.And,ofcourse,alifeofintensejoy.
Butbeforedivingintothatnewlife,IhadtofinishtheQuebectouranddomyshowattheSaintDenisTheater.
Idon'tthinkI'veeverexperiencedsuchahighlychargedpremiere.Becauseofwhathadhappenedtome,theshowhad
been postponed for a week. I'd rested and my voice was back in form. But for several reasons, I had not been able to
avoidlivingthistimeunderterriblestress.
Atfirst,therumorcirculatedthatIwaswornout.Inthebusinessandinthepapers,theyweresayingthatspecialists
hadpredictedthatmyvoicewasruined,thattheshowattheSaintDeniswouldbemylast,myswansong,mydefinitive
goodbyetoshowbusiness.Therewerefullpagearticlesonthesubjectinthetabloids,theyweresayingitontheradio,
andalotofpeopleendedupbelievingit.
Ofcourse,weknewitwasn'ttrue.ButRenewasworriedthattheCanadianandAmericanproducerswouldfocuson
these rumors and refuse to commit themselves any further to our projects. So that evening at the SaintDenis, I had to
offerstunningtruththatmyvoicewasinperfectcondition.Atallorder.
Asiftoaddstillmorepressure,twodaysearlierI'dcausedascandalattheAdisqgalabyrefusingtheFelixawardfor
bestEnglishspeakingperformeroftheyear.
ThingshadneverbeensimplebetweenEnglishCanadaandFrenchspeakingQuebec.Moresoatthattimethantoday,
any Quebecois artist who wished to put on a show in English was getting him or herself into a touchy, very delicate
situation.
I'dlearnedthisbysadexperiencetwoyearsearlier,whentheFrenchspeakingcommunityofTorontohadinvitedmeto
singattheSaintJeanshowbeingpresentedonanoutdoorstageattheHarbourFront,facingLakeOntario.
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IwasdoingafewsongsinEnglishfortheprogram,includingthatgoodold"WhataFeeling,"andsomeclassicslike
"Over the Rainbow" and "Summertime."As soon as I began to sing in English, some people in the audience started
booingme.MostoftheTorontoFrenchspeakersuseEnglishatworkandinthestreet.ButtheSaint
[185]
Jean is a sacred moment when they reaffirm their sense of community. I wasn't used to being booed. I was really
beginningtopanicwhenaheavyrainhittheHarbourFront,andtheyhadtostoptheshow.Phew!Whatarelief.
Later,shortlyafterthereleaseofUnison,IdidashowinEnglish,foronenightinMontrealandonenightinToronto.
The newspapers in both cities wondered if the Quebecois public would accept me singing in English. In the business,
peopleevenwentsofarastosuggestthatIwasriskingthedestructionofmycareerinQuebec.
ButnothingandnoonecouldcausemetorenouncemydreamofsinginginEnglish,Itwastheonlywayforasingerto
tour the world, whether she was from Quebec, France, Spain, or Japan. Rene and I were certain that the mainstream
audiencesofQuebecwouldacceptthisingoodfaithandwouldgivemetheirblessings.Itwasthemediathatkeptthe
uselesscontroversygoing.
Nevertheless,byrefusingtoaccepttheFelixforbestEnglishspeakingperformeroftheyear,Iwantedtosettherecord
straight.Iadmitmyspeechwasalittleawkward.
"I'mnotanAnglophone,"Isaid,referringtothewordfornativeEnglishspeakers."WhereverintheworldIgo,Itell
themI'mQuebecoise."
Asaresult,theEnglishspeakersofMontrealwerenowfurious.MystatementimpliedthattheywerenotQuebecois,
eventhoughtheylivedinQuebec.
Theissueisverycomplicatedwherewecomefrom.SomypremiereattheSaintDeniswasturningintoapolitical
event.Wewereworriedaboutdemonstrationsandjeering.
Andyet,forReneandme,theeveningwasanabsolutetriumph.WhenRenesteppedintothehouseseveralminutes
beforethecurtainrose,peopleapplaudedhimloudly.
InQuebec,therewasalreadyakindofauraaroundhim,becauseof
whathe'daccomplishedandbecauseofallthosecontactshe'destablishedwiththem.Andalsobecauseofhispersonal
charm. Maybe also because people were touched by the story of our love. But Rene didn't want to hear about that he
didn'tbelieveitcouldbetruenotyet.
Assoonastheshowwasfinished,IwenttoNewYorktomeetwithDr.Gould.Hewasadorable,verydelicateandfullofhumor.Onhis
waiting room walls were photos of him with his patients, among them John F. Kennedy, Frank Sinatra,Walter Cronkite, and many
othershe'dhelpedinhisfiftyyearsofpractice.
HesaidallthethingsthatDr.Belzilehadsaidaboutmyvocalcordsbeinginbadshapeandthatthiswasduetobadhabits.
"Youshouldprobablyhaveanoperation,"hesaid.
Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I was reminded that Dr. Belzile had told me my voice would probably change after such an
operation.Itmightevenchangesomuchthatitwouldbeunrecognizableandgritty.Ineffect,itwouldnolongerexist.
"Thereis,however,anothersolution,"Dr.Gouldsaid.
"I'lltakeit,"Isnappedback.
"Ifyouaresilentforthreeweeks,youcouldperhapsseesomepositiveresultswithouttherisksandsideeffectsofsurgery."
Itoldhimthatmythreeweeksofsilencehadalreadyjustbegun.
"WhenIspeakofsilence,"hesaid,"Iamtalkingaboutabsolutesilence.Youcan'tevendreamofspeaking.Nolaughingnothing.It's
veryhard,youknow.Don'ttrytofoolyourself.Ifyouspeakevenonetime,youhavetostartoveragain."
Istoodupandgavehimawink.
WhenIleft,hekissedmetenderlyontheforehead.
[187]
Ispenttheholidaysinthestrangestwayinmylife'Almosteverynight,mybrothersandsisterssangtogether,aswehadbeendoing
forasfarbackasIcouldremember.Butnow,forthefirsttime,Icouldn'tjoinmyvoicewiththeirs.Instead,Iplayedvariouspercussion
instruments.Thismademefeelveryaloneinmysilence.
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InJanuary,whenDr.Gouldexaminedmeagain,Icouldtellhewasveryproud.
"Honestly,Ididn'tthinkyoucoulddoit,"hesaid.
Heseemedveryhappy,asifIhadgivenhimagift.
"Youmaynowbeginyourtraining,"hesaid.
Hisassociate.Dr.WilliamRiley,wouldbeinchargeofrestoringmyvoice.Itwoulddemandalotofhardwork,workthatwasat
oncebothterribleandmarvelous.
MostoftenDr.Rileyhadmeworkstandingup.Wetalkedalittle,wedidsomewarmupexercises,thenheliterallythrewhimselfon
mehepinnedmewithallhisstrengthagainstthewallandhadmesingscales.Orheplacedmeinreallyuncomfortablepositionsfora
singermyarmscrossed,forexample,andmyheadthrownbackasfaraspossible.AndIhadtosingnaturallyduringallthis.
Withhim,asmuchaswithEddyMarnayinthepast,Idiscoveredthegreatpleasuresofstudy,work,exercise,andeffort.Eddyhad
changed my relationship to words. He had taught me how to give color, meaning, and weight to each of the words I sang.With Dr.
Riley,IfeltasifIwererediscoveringEddy'steaching,thesamepassion,thesameintensityandpleasure.
Onedayasweweredoingourexercises,therewasaknockatthedoor.Dr.Gouldenteredwithaveryimposinglookingman.Itwas
LucianoPavarotti.Afterwewereintroduced,thedoctoraskedmetosingsomethingforhim.
"IjustwantLucianotohearyourvoice,"hesaidtome.
Iwasterriblyintimidated,butIdidn'tdarerefuse,soIaskedhimwhatIshouldsing.
"Itdoesn'tmatter.Whateveryoulike,"hesaid.
Isangthefirstthingthatcameintomyhead,severalversesofasongIhadn'tthoughtofforalongtime.Itwascalled"YouBringMe
Joy."LucianoPavarotticomplimentedme,sayingsuchthingsas,"Youhaveavoicethatcouldpiercetheheart."
Ididn'tknowhowtorespond.Iwasonthevergeoftears.Dr.Gouldlookedatme.Heseemedsoproudandmoved,asifIwerehis
ownchild.Afterward,whenIwasonstageorinthestudio,IhaveoftenthoughtofSignorePavarotti.Whatawonderfulthingitisto
havea"voicethatcouldpiercetheheart."
WilliamRileyhimselfisamusician.Hehasaveryattractivevoice.Hemademeconsciousforthefirsttimeoftheinfinitetonesthat
youcangivetowords,tosounds,bychangingthepositionofyourtongue,lips,andcheeks.Hetaughtmehowtosupportmyvoicewith
myfacialexpression,howto"place"itinmyheadorexploittheresonatingcapabilitiesofmychestorface.Hegotsoundsoutofme
thatIhadneverheardinmylife,onesIneverthoughtIcouldproduce.Thankstohim,Idiscoveredanewmusicaluniversethatwas
vastandfascinating.
IwassinginglesswithmynosethanI'ddoneatthebeginning,buttherewasalwayssomethingnasalaboutmyvoice.Tocorrect
myself,Ihaddevelopedsomevocaltechniquesthatthedoctorconsideredineffective.Hewouldhelpmetogetridofthem.Intheir
placehesuggestedwarmupandlooseningupexercisesthatwouldlastatleastahalfhourbeforeeachshow.Andwealsospentlong
hoursdoingsingingexercises.
ThedoctorwasinthemiddleofgivingmeademonstrationofthekindofexercisesIshoulddoeverydayfromthenonwhenRene
interruptedustoaskhowlongitwouldtaketoseetheresultsofsuchwork.
[189]
"Youwon'tnoticemuchforthreeyears.Infiveyears,Celinewillhaveabettervoice."
Renewasdumbfounded.Hekepthismouthshutfortherestofthesession.Whilewewerewaitingfortheelevatorafterleavingthe
office,heturnedtomeandsaidthathecouldeasilyunderstanditifIrefusedtogothroughsuchanordeal.
"Ican'taskyoutowasteyourlifeforfiveyearsinordertoachieveresultsthatwe'renotevencertainwe'llsee."
Once inside the elevator, he added: "If they'd given me a diet that would take five years to make me thinner, you can be sure I
wouldn'tbefollowingit."
ButIacceptedthedoctor'stermsrightaway.IknewI'dneverchangemymind,neverdoubtmydecision.
Afewdayslater,IwentbacktoDr.Riley.He'dpreparedaseriesofexercisesformetodoeveryday.Theonlyexceptionswouldbe
onthedaybeforeashoworrecording,whenIhadtostaysilent.
Thenhemadetworecommendations.Sincehehimselfwasagoodartist,firstofallheadvisedmetoforgetallthesetechniquesas
soonasIwentonstage.
"Itshouldnevershowifitdoes,thatruinsthefeeling.Andalso,don'tdotheexercisestoomuch.Evenifyoutraintwelvehoursa
day,yourtrainingwon'tgoanyfaster.You'vegottogiveyourvoicetimetoundotheeffectsofthesebadhabitsandrespondtothenew
ones.Toomuchisworsethannotenough."
NexttohisofficewastheofficeofanotolaryngologistnamedGwenKorovin,whowasalsogoingtobeagreatfriendtome.Ispent
hourswithherstudyingallthepartsofthevoice.Sheshowedmepicturesinbooks:thelarynxwiththevocalcordsoneachside,the
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trachea,thepharynx.SheslidatinycameraintomythroatandIsawonamonitorthesourceofmyvoice,myflutteringvocalcords.
SheexplainedthatthetensionandmovementsIusedtocontrolthese
bodilypartscouldmakesounds,noisesthathadverylittleshapetothem.Mymouthandmytonguewouldmodulatethissoundandcre
atewordsandnotes.
Butallofitislikeplayinggolf:atthebeginning,you'reparalyzed.Whenyoufirststarttakinglessons,youdiscoveramillionthings
tothinkof:howyouholdyourshoulders,yourhead,howyoumoveyourarms,andwheretoplaceyoureyes.WithGwen,Idiscovered
theextenttowhichsinging,eventalking,projectingasimplesound,evenbreathingallwerecomplexoperations.
Itwaslikestartingfromscratch,asifIwerelearningagainnotonlytosingbutalsotospeak,breathe,move,walk,stayinasittingor
standingposition.Forexample,Ilearnednottoleanonthebackofmychairorputmyelbowsonthetableorputmyheadinmyhands.
Inolongerlikedchairsthatweretoodeeportoosoft.Iwashard:arealmarineintraining.
Fortunately,IwasabletoforgetallthesetechniqueswhenIsteppedontoastage.Isangforpleasure,withoutthinkingaboutwhatI
waslearningabouthowthevoiceproducessound.
Ifollowedmyvocalregimewithmaniacalregularity,andIlovedit.Ifoundagenuine,almostsportsmanlikepleasureinit.Andactu
ally,itwasveryclosetoathletictraining.Istartedwithbreathingandelongationexercises,neckstretches.ThenIwarmedupmyvoice
Isanganoteandhelditaslongaspossible,withoutforcingit,righttotheendofmybreath.Imademyvoicetravelthroughmybody,
thehead,thenose,thethroat,andthebelly.
I thought of textures and colors and tried to translate them into vocal qualities. I let out a crescendoing series of sounds, pushing
harderandharderoneachnote,changingtherhythmandtone.AndthenIstartedover,andover,andover.That'smostlyit:beingableto
startoveragainandagainandputheartandpassionintoiteachtime.
[191]
Itwasagame,butitwasalsoakindoftest.Ifsomethingwaswrong,ifIwasdistractedorpreoccupied,itshowedrightawayyou
could hear it. So I had to start over, calm down, get control of myself, until my voice rediscovered the desired vibration, color, and
texture.
Avoicehasitsidiosyncrasiesanditswhims.Ittoohascycles.Somedays,when,forexample,Iwasmenstruating,itseemeddrab
bertome.TherewasnothingIcoulddoaboutthis.Sometimes,also,itwaslessobedient.Imeanthatitwasharderformetocontrol.
Then,itwasasifwewerehavinganargument,thetwoofus.Itwasasifmyvoiceweresulking,keepingitsdistancefromme.
ButDr.Riley'sexercisesalwayshelpedmetogetitbackagain.MyvoiceandIspentsomegreatmomentstogetherinmydressing
roomormybedroom.
Atthebeginning,beingsilentwasthemostdifficultpart,thosedeepseadivesallalonetotheverybottomofsilence.Especiallythe
firsttime.Mygrandtrekacrossthisdesertlastedthreeweeks.Ithoughtthatitwouldneverend.
Duringit,Ibeganmakinglittlefilmmoviesinmyhead,realnightmares.Oneofthemkeepscomingbacktome.I'dbecomeper
manentlyunabletospeak.Iwasterrifiedandcrushed.Butevenso,eachtimeIkeptthecamerasrunningrighttotheend.
Mymotherwouldcomeintomyroomandfindmeintears.I'dinterruptmymentalfilmmakingtosignalbyhandtoherthatitwas
justagameandthatsheshouldn'tbeworried.Assoonassheleft,Iwentbacktomymovie.Ipushedonuntiltheend,toahappyend
ing.Icouldn'tsinganymore,butIcouldstilldointerviews.MysisterManonwouldbetherewithme.OrSuzanne.Theyreadmylips
andtranslatedmyanswersforthejournalists.IhadthingstosayandIwasworking.I'dbecomeanaccomplishedpianist,Iwaswriting
lyricsandmusicforsongs,novels,films,andvideos.Iwasfullof
ideas.What was in my heart and used to pass through my voice now took another routeit was as simple as that.That
consoledmeand
lifewenton.
Littlebylittle,Ibegantogetusedtotheseperiodsofsilence,whenIwasallowedtoreallytuneout.Itwaslikeanother
world,acountrylikenoother.I'llalwaysgobacktothisplace,justasI'llalwaysgobacktoQuebec.
With my sister Manon, with Suzanne Gingue and a few others, I developed a sign language that was very efficient.
ManonandSuzannecouldalsoreadmylipseasilyandrapidly.Thewomeninmygrouparequiteabitbetteratthatthan
themen.ReneneedsadrawingorIhavetocallManontohelphim.Afewtimes,becausehethoughtitwouldbeeasier,
he'd pretend he understood. But he's no good at pretending. I can tell. My brother Michel too. When I move my lips
withoutspeaking,themenIknowstartspeakinglouderandslowerthanusual.Theyarticulatecarefully,asifIweredeaf
orretarded.Women,ontheotherhand,dowhatI'mdoing,theyspeakinaverylowvoice,mostoftenwithoutusingtheir
voiceatall.Andthatcreatesanatmosphereofextremepeacefulness
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amongus.
WhenmymotherandIspeakonthetelephone,wehaveacode.
"Didyousleepwell,mylittlegirl?"
Itapmynailonthereceiveronceforyes.
"Didyougetyourahaircutafterall?"
Twotapsmeanno.
"LovefromDad...andfrommetoo..."
AsmallseriesoffingernailtapsmeansI'msendingthemmylove too.
Gradually,silencehasbecomeakindofrefugeforme.CertaindaysIfeelasifIwereinvisible,asifotherpeople
[193]
weren'tseeingorspeakingtome.AsifIhadnothingtosaytothem.Iobservetheworldwithoutbeingseen.
ItwasduringthisperiodthatIbegantohearalittlevoiceinsideofme,averysoftlittlevoicethatcameintomyhead
singing tunes, melodies that sometimes delighted me. I'd work on them for several days, then forget them. I've tried
storingthemawaysothatonedayIcouldturnthemintorealsongs.ThoughI'veneverfinishedsuchprojects,Ihopethat
onedayIwill.
IalwayscomeoutofmyperiodsofsilencestrongerbecauseofthemsomuchsothatIdon'tthinkIcoulddowithout
them. Today, even when I don't have to sing or protect my voice, I spend long hours without speaking. Nuns and
cloisteredmonkshavealwaysdonethis.Andtheycertainlyhadareasonforit.Itgivesoneadifferent,clear,anddistinct
visionoftheworld.
I have a lot of respect for people who practice their religion seriously. I'm impressed by the discipline they impose
uponthemselves.There'swisdominsuchathing.Silenceformeisapointofdeparture.It'sveryvast.Likebeingalone.
Likemusic.
Aftertwoyearsofvoiceexercisesandperiodsofsilence,Ihadn't
seentheleastresultsIwashopingfor,butstillIdidn'tgiveup.I
neverdoubted.AndeachdayIbegantodiscoverthatsingingwasbecomingagreaterandgreaterpleasure.
Reneisalwaystryingtocreateevents.Everytimehecatchessightofastage,healwayswantsmetoclimbuponit.Whereverabig
crowdgetstogether,hewantsmetosingandtohavethemlistenandapplaud.Andhe'salwaysmakingithappen.Onedayhedecided
thatmycareerhadbegunonJune19,1981,thedayIdidtheMichelJasmintelevisionshow.Sotenyearslater,totheexactday,hefelt
weshouldcelebratemydecadeinshowbusinessattheMontrealForum.
I'djustfinishedmyfirsttrulybigtransCanadiantour,whichhadlastedallwinter.Thattourhadtakenoffratherslowly.
IdidsomesmallhallsinwestCanadaEdmonton,Calgary,andVancouver.ButthenIwontwoJunos(forbestsingerand
bestalbumoftheyear)and"WhereDoesMyHeartBeatNow?"hadbeguntoclimbalmosttothetopoftheAmerican
charts.DavidLettermaninvitedmetoappearonTheLateShow,andfromonedaytothenext,mynamewasbecoming
moreandmorefamiliarthroughoutthecountry.Innexttonotime,alltheticketsforthetourweregone.Isangtosoldout
audiencesinallthebigauditoriumsofmostoftheCanadiancities.
IwasafraidthattheanniversarycelebrationattheForumwouldseemtooboastful,tooselfimportant.ButRenewanted
theconcerttohighlightthegreatmomentsofmycareer.Insong,ofcourse,butalsoinimagesprojectedonagiantscreen.
We spent two long evenings looking atTV broadcasts and shows that I'd appeared in over those ten years.At times, I
couldn'tbelievewhatIwasseeing.
HadIreallywornthatridiculousdress?HadIactuallygoneontelevisionwiththoseteeth!Withthathair!Withsucha
nasal voice! But there were so many other moments that touched my heart and made me so very proud of what I had
accomplished.
The June 19 show was, from start to finish, a total delight. I was accompanied by the Metropolitan Symphony
Orchestra,whichwasmadeupofsixtyfivemusicians.Andhalfthetime,everyoneintheaudienceknewmysongsby
heart.Italkedalotandwasabletopaytributetothewritersandcomposerswhohadworkedwithme.Beforesinging"Ce
n'etaitqu'unreve,"myfirsthit,Imadeawelldeservedtributetomymother.
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Forthecurtaincall,IworeaMontrealCanadianshockeyteamsweaterandcarriedtheQuebecflag.ThiswasRenes
idea,atonce
[195]
kindoftongueincheekandatthesametimeawayofreconcilingindependentsandfederalists,intellectualsandsports
lovers.Atthatmoment,Idon'tthinkI'deverheardsucharoarfromacrowd.Forseveralminutes,Icouldn'tspeak.Then
peoplebegansingingtheverybeautifulGillesVigneaultsongtheQuebecoishaveadoptedinplaceof"HappyBirthday":
MachereCeline,c'estatontourdete
laisserparlerd'amour.
(It'syourturn,Celine,mydove,toletyourselfspeaksome
wordsoflove.)
Earlier in the concert, I'd revived the medley of songs from the rock opera Starmania.Vito Luprano of CBS was so
captivated by them that he suggested I do an album of songs by Luc Plamondon, who had cowritten the rock opera
Starmania.Ilikedtheideabecauseitwasclearlyamajorchallenge.Inaddition,Lucwouldwritefournewsongsforme.
I was involved more than ever in that album. Earlier, I'd never come to the studio until everything was ready. The
arrangementswouldalreadybecompleteandtheorchestratracksrecordedallIhadtodowassing.
Thistime,Iworkedonthechoiceofsongsandtheirproductionverycloselywiththearranger,theproducer,thelyricist,
and the composer. We recorded in the fall in French singer/composer Michel Berger's little studio on boulevard des
BarignolesinParis.ItwasaplacewhereIexperiencedmomentsofgreathappiness.
Oneevening,aftertherecordingofoneofthefouroriginalsongsforthealbum,ReneandIendedupaloneinthesmall
kitchenofthestudio(yogurtforme,dietCokeforhim).Thenheconfidedtome,in
alowvoice,asifitwereasecret:"Youknow,Dr.Rileywasright.Yourvoicehasneverbeensobeautiful."
"But,darling,Ihaven'tevenbeentrainingwithhimforayear!Hesaiditwouldtakefourorfivetoseetheresults."
"Soimaginewhattheselegendaryresultswillbelikewhenyoucanreallyseethem!"
I hadn't spoken to anyone about it, but I too thought my voice had started to change. It was fuller and more subtle. Its tone was
alwaysclearandprecise.Andmostofall,mychoiceoftexturesandcolorswasgrowinglargerandlarger,morevelvetyandcrystalline.
Singingwasmakingmehappierthaniteverhadbefore.
EverytwomonthsorsoIwenttoseeDr.RileyinNewYork.Sometimeswehadveryintenseworkoutsessions,andsometimeswe
justtalkedaboutvoices,music,orsoundsweliked.Ialwayslefthisofficefeelingstimulated,energetic,anddetermined.WhereverI
wasMontreal,Paris,orsomewhereontourIdidmyvoiceexercisesandfollowedmydiet.
Iloveddisciplinewithapassion,thereallystrong,strictdisciplineIwasimposingonmyselfatthetime.I'vefaithfullyperformedit
formorethantenyearsofmylife.Thehardestpartistonevergivein.Deprivingmyselfofdesserts,chips,orpeanutsfromtimetotime
couldn'tbeeasier.Deprivingmyselfofthemeveryday,atthesametimeasalotofotherlittlethings,isawholeotherballgame.Itcalls
for constant, fanatical vigilance.You've got to turn yourself into a kind of machine who doesn't think about certain things, who, for
example,forgetsthetasteofstickytoffeepudding,cremeanglaise,andmaplesyrup.Bizarreasitmayseem,alltheselittleprivations,
takentogether,createakindofwellbeing,happiness.Thekindthatbringsselfmastery,Ithink.
Iorganizedmywholelifearoundmyvoice.Isatisfieditseveryrequirementandwhim.IfeltasifitwereatreasureIhadtotakecare
of.
In1992, theAcademyAwards took place on March 30, on my twentyfourth birthday. That evening I experienced a great moment.
EarlierIhadrecordedaduetwithPeaboBrysonfortheanimatedDisneyfilmBeautyandtheBeast.ItwaswrittenbytheteamofAlan
MenkenandHowardAshman,whohadwontwoOscarsin1990forthemusicinDisney'sTheLittleMermaid.Thisduet,whichwas
includedonmysecondEnglishlanguagealbum,CelineDion,wasalreadyahugehitandwasbeingheardeverywhere.Menkenand
AshmanwouldalsowinanOscarforbestsongoftheyearafewminutesafterPeaboandIfinishedourduet.
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Butjustbeforewesteppedoutbeforethecameras,Ihadanunbelievableattackofstagefright.Firstofall,IkeptrememberingthatI
wasgoingtosingonthegreateststageofmylife,infrontofthevastestaudienceeverassembled:abillionTVwatchersthroughoutthe
world.What's more, I'd caught tonsillitis a few days before.And the doctor had prescribed some antibiotics that really dragged me
down.
But what impressed me was the audience at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion: Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman, Tom Cruise,
MichaelDouglas,BarbraStreisand,andLizaMinnelli.HerewerealltheidolsI'dalwaysdreamedofmeeting.NowIwasseeingthem
atmyfeet,andIwassingingforthem.Nowtheywerewatchingandlisteningtome,justasI'dalwayswatchedandlistenedtothem.
Ifeltverystronginfrontofallthesepeople,butalsoalittlelikebeingathomeandinastrangehouseatthesametime.Iwantedto
thankthemforlettingmesingatthisgreatevent,butIcouldimagineRene'sreaction.
"You don't have to thank them. If they're applauding, its because they think you're a real star, like them. All these people are
impressedbyyouasmuchasyoucouldbebythem."
I didn't really believe it. I didn't yet completely see myself as a real star, equal to those around me. I wanted to go
higher,farther.IfeltIhadalotmoretravelingtodobeforebeingabletosaythatIhadreallypassedthroughthelooking
glass.
Renehadasurpriseforme.He'dinvitedmyparentstoLosAngelesandgottenthemtwoseatsintheDorothyChandler
Pavilion,anearlyimpossiblefeatonOscarnight.Aftertheceremony,ReneandItookastrollamongalltheseluminous
stars.Wetoowereasnervousandasimpressedaseveryoneelsewhowasthere.AndRene,aninveteratestargazer,didn't
scopnamingtheoneshesaw.Hewasmakingmelaugh.Allhislifehe'drubbedshoulderswithcelebrities,andherehe
wasstillmarvelingatthem,likealittleboy.
Atacertainmoment,myeyesmetthoseofBarbraStreisand,andshegavemeasmallnodotherhead,asmile.Ialmost
fainted.IknewthatfromnowonIwasavisible,recognizedpersonbecauseI'djustsangonstage,infrontofanaudience
ofstarsandTVcameras.
ButIdidn'thavethetimeforsuchthoughts,timeevenforthosepersonallittlemoviesI'dbeenmakinginmyheadfor
solong.Thatsameday,my CelineDionalbumwasreleasedwithgreatfanfareintheAmericanandCanadianmarkets.
ThealbumthatIdidwithLucPlamondon,Des Mots qui sonnent (WordsThat Ring), had just been released in France.
Duringthefollowingmonths,I'dhavetodotwopublicitycampaignssimultaneously.
IheadedofftoMontrealtwoorthreedaysaftertheOscars.Andforthefirsttime,Iadmittedtoareporterfrom LaPressethatIhada
maninmylifewithwhomIwasmadlyinlove.However,IsaidIdidn'twanttorevealhisname.
"IsitwhoIthinkitis?"sheasked."DoIknowhim?"Ijustlaughedinresponse.Thishalfadmissionwasanenormous
[199]
reliefformealready.Fromnowon,atleast,peoplewouldknowchatIwaspartoftheranksoflove,anddidn'tjustsing
aboutit.Iliveditanddidittoo.
Butthisreportermusthaveknownwhoitwas,asdidalotofpeopleinMontrealandParis.Eveninthescandalsheets
they'dwrittenthatReneandIweretogether.Despitethat,hewantedtowaitlongerbeforesayingitpublicly.
Afewdaysafterthatconfession,IhadtoleavewithRenetodoapromotionaltour.Firstinthe UnitedStates, then
Japan,andfinallyEurope.Abouttwentybigcities,dozensofinterviews,TVshows,andgalas.Thenomad'slife,thatwas
whatwelived.Wewerebothveryexcited.
Untilanunforeseeneventchangedourplans.
I'vealreadyremarkedthatwhenreallyterriblethingshappen,yourealizeafterwardthattherewereusuallysignswarning
youaboutwhatwascoming.WhenRenehadhisheartattackinLosAngeles,IrememberedthatforseveraldaysI'dbeen
feelingincrediblyanxious.AndrecallingthismademefeelguiltythatIhadn'tbeenmoreattentivetohim.PerhapsIcould
havenoticedhisfatigueandpossiblyseentheattackcoming.
WehadcheckedinattheFourSeasonswherewewantedtotakeafewdaysofrest.WehadbeenworkinghardRene
hadhadlotsofmeetingsinNewYork,LosAngeles,Montreal,andTokyo.AndI'djustdone TheTonightShow,whereI'd
becomearegular,andI'dalsobeenonGoodMorningAmerica.I'dgivenalotofinterviewsrecently,andinafewhours,
wewereleavingforNewYorktodoevenmore.Whilewewaited,wedecidedtosoakupalittlesunnexttotheswimming
pool.
Renewentuptoourroomcomplainingaboutapaininhisback
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andabouttheheat.Thisworriedmerightaway.Usually,Renecannevergetenoughsunandheat.Intenminutes,Icalledourroom,and
ittookhimalongtimetoanswer.HisvoicesoundedsoweakthatIdidn'tevenwaitfortheelevatorIranupthestairstoourroom.He
waslyingonhisback,disorientedandinpain.Withinthirtyseconds,I'droundeduptheentirehotelstaff.ThenIfoundawheelchairand
somehelp.Whentheambulancearrived,IalreadyhadRene,alongwiththehotelnurse,downstairsinthehotellobby.I'dalreadytold
theemergencyroomatCedarsSinaithatwewerewaitingfortheemergencyteam.I'ddoneallofthis,withouteventhinking,itseemed.
Renethoughthewasgoingtodie.Hewascryingashetalkedtomeabouthischildrenandhismother.
"You,Celine,you'vegottokeepgoing.Whateverhappens,evenifI'mnotthere,youhavetokeepgoingon."
AndhenamedallthepeoplehetrustedandwithwhomIshouldworkwhenhewasgone.Ibeggedhimtokeepquiet,Isworetohim
thathewouldn'tdie,thatIhadfarlessinterestinmycareerthanIdidinhim.
Atthehospital,Iagainmovedheavenandearthtogetsomeonetoattendtohimasquicklyaspossible.ThenIstayedclosetohim
untilhewassafelyinintensivecareandallwecoulddowaswaitforhisconditiontostabilize.
AsIspokewiththedoctorswhoexaminedhim,IrealizedIwasstillwearingmybathingsuit,andnowIwasinanairconditioned
place, where I risked getting a chill that would harm my voice. For once, I'd completely forgotten all caution and discipline. But of
course,myvoicewastheleastofmyworries.EventhoughRenewasnowoutofdanger,Iwasgrippedbyfearandgrief.Idon'tthink
I'veeverfeltsoaloneandhelpless.
AssoonasIcould,Icalledhismother,Tete.Thefollowingday,
[201]
theywereallthere,surroundingRenewiththeiraffection:Teteandthechildren,Patrick,JeanPierre,andAnneMarieandhisfriends
MarcVerreault,PierreLacroix,andPaulSara.
SomeonePierreorMarcbroughtReneacopyofTheWallStreetJournal, whichsaid, amongother nice things aboutme, that I'd
provedthataFrenchCanadiancanforgeaninternationalcareerwithoutabandoninghercultureorrenouncingherroots.Renereadand
rereadthearticleuntilheknewitbyheart.Ithinktherecognitionwereceivedinthatarticlemadehimhappierthananyotherpraise
we'dgottensincethebeginningofmycareer.
"Yousee,evenpeoplewhodon'tbelongtoourindustry,whohavenothingtodowithshowbusiness,recognizeoursuccess."
Iwasreadytocallitquits.Icouldhavecanceledeverything.Nomorepublicity,TVshows,nothing,untilmylovewascompletely
outofdanger.Buthewouldn'thearofit.Hedidn'twantmetostop.
"EvenifIdied,I'dwantyoutogoon.IfIdiedandyouhadstoppedlikethat,justwhenyouweregoingfullspeedahead,Iwould
havediedasecondtime."
Iunderstoodthathewasveryserious,andunderstoodthatinawaymycareerwashismasterpiece,hissong,hissymphony.Theidea
ofitremainingunfinishedwouldhavehurthimterribly.Iunderstoodthatifheeverdisappeared,Ihadtocontinuewithouthimforhim.
ButformeallmysuccesswouldloseitsmeaningifRenewerenolongertheretoseeandknowit,totellmeaboutitfromdayto
day.Ineededhiscommentaries,hisvoice,hisglance,hisadmiration,andhislove.Morethaneverandmorethananythingintheworld,
attheverymomentwhenallthedoorswereswingingopenforme,Ineededhimatmyside.
Soonerorlater,yourisklosingtheonesyoulove.I'dthoughtaboutitoften.Iwassurroundedbypeoplewhowereallmoreorless
twicemyage.AndsometimesItoldmyselfthatIwasgoingtolose
themonebyone.I'dendupcompletelyalone.Inaway,whenIletmyselfdwellonsuchthoughts,Iwasalreadyallalone.
AndI'dbegintofilmsomberlittlemoviesinmyhead,withalmostnoaction,justsimpletableaux.
Iimaginedmyselfasaveryoldwomansittinginfrontofawindowwithashawlonmyshoulders,andIwaslooking
ataverybeautifulgardenfullofbirdsandflowers,wherealightrainwasfalling.Iwasn'treallysad,butIwasverymuch
alone.Who could I talk to about this? Certainly not to the people I was so afraid of losing, such as Rene, my parents.
AlthoughRenerecuperatedquickly,itwouldneverbethesame.Something,afeelingofbeingcarefree,perhaps,hadbeen
takenfromus.
The doctors told him he had to lose weight and exercise regularly he'd have to eat better and less. In short, he had to
changehislife.Andtobeginwith,heneededtoavoidstress.Thatwasaskingalot.
Likeme,Renethrivesonstress,andtheprofessionwe'dbothchosenisfullofit.Forus,somethingthatdoesn'tcause
stressanddemandriskbringslittlepleasureandprobablyisn'tworththetrouble.Atanyrate,that'swhatwebelievedat
thetime.Thehighertheprize,thehigherhewastemptedtoreachinordertowinit.Aftermycaraccident,Renewaswith
meconstantly,ashe'dpromisedhewould.Butnow,beforeIwentbacktomypublicitytour,Iinsistedthathebreakthat
promise.Iwantedhimtorestandtofollowhisdiet.Thistime,thefirsttimeinourlives,helistenedtome.
PassingthroughMontreal,Icontinuedtorevealthetruthaboutourrelationship.AreporteraskedmeifI'dbeenafraid
oflosingRene."Moreafraidthaneverinmylife,"Ianswered."Youwouldhavelostyoursecondfather."
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"Ihaveonlyonefather,AdhemarDion,whomIloveandwholovesme.Reneisn'tmyfather,heneverhasbeenand
neverwillbe.Renesthemanwhomakesmyheartpound,he'sthemanofmylife."
[203]
ThenIaddedthatIdidn'twanttotalkaboutcertainthingsinmylife,inourlife.Untilthen,we'dalwaysavoidedthese
questions,pretendingnottobetogether.I'dbeenhidingthetruthwhenI'dsaidIdidn'tloveanyone.Asaresult,reporters
seemedtogivelessandlesscredencetomywords.
ButthestatementI'djustmadechangedallthat.Quiteblatantly,I'dsaidwewereinlove,butthatwedidn'twanttotalk
aboutit,thatthesubjectwasofflimits.Wetoohadareallife,ourown"secretgarden."
Soonafter,IleftforEuropewithSuzanneGingue.OurfirststopwasattheWorldMusicAwardsin Monaco,whereI
receivedaprize.MytwoalbumsCelineDionandDesMotsquisonnentweresellingmillionsofcopies.Thiswasgreat,
butthemoreanalbumsellsandthemoreawardsanartistwins,themoreshehastowork.
Neartheendofthetour,I'doftenwakeupinthemorningwonderingwhatcityIwasin.Allthehotelroomslooked
alike.Itwasthesamemarble,bronze,ceramic,andporcelaininthebathroom,thesamemirrorseverywhere,thesamesoft
carpets,andthesamehalflight.
TohelpmefallasleepwhenIwashome,Ihadanightgownthatbelongedtomymother.Itwascottoncandypinkand
sowornoutthatthefabrichadanalmostunearthlysoftnesstoit.Ineverworeit,butlikeLinus'sblanket,itprovidedme
with a feeling of security to have something from home. I'd sleep every night with my face buried in my mother's
nightgown.ButIwasafraidI'dloseitifItookitabroad,soIleftitbehind.AndsometimesIfeltverylonelywhenIwas
toofarfromhome.
WheneverIhadachancetoreturnhome,thehurricanethathadsweptmeawaywouldbegintocalm.Forafewdays,
therewasabrieflull.Ioftenstayedatmyparents'housesothatIcouldspendalittletimewithmymother.EachtimeI
camehome,Ihadthe
impressionofbeingfartherandfartherawayfrommybrothersandsisters.Theywerestilljustaswarm,justaskind,and
theywereextremelyhappyaboutmysuccess.ButIwasnolongerthelittlegirlthey'dtaughttodreambigdreams.Several
ofthemalsohadallthetalentanddesirenecessarytosucceed,butIwastheonewho'dgottenarealchanceatit.
DuringtheEuropeanpublicitytour,IspoketoRenefive,six,tentimesaday.Webothknewwhereeachotherwasand,moreorless,
what we were doing, hour by hour. Rene promised me he was resting, that he was exercising, that he was playing golf with Marc,
Jacques,orRosaire,andthathewasn'teatingmuchandwassleepingalot.
WhenIreturnedtoMontreal,I'ddiscoveredthathehadn'tbeenrestingatall.He'dputtogetherournextyear,planneditalloutday
byday,inahighlyregimentedfashion.WelefttogetherforSeville,inSpain,whereExpo'92wastakingplace.Iwassupposedtosing
intheCanadianPaviliononJuly1,whichisCanadaDay.
Onboardtheplane,Renetoldmethestoryofmyfutureadventuresinthemarvelousworldofshowbusiness.
FirstatourintheUnitedStates,openingforMichaelBolton,thenatourinQuebeclaterinthefall,andnextatourofCanada.And
interspersedwiththat,somebigoutdoorshowsandtwoorthreevideos.Bynextfallandwinter,we'dbeginrecordingmythirdalbum
inEnglish.He'dalreadymadeaninitialselectionofsongs.Hehadsomedemosformetohear,includingonewithwordsandmusicby
DavidFosterthatdelightedhim,called"TheColourofMyLove."
"Everyonewantedthatsong,"hetoldme."WhitneyHouston,BarbraStreisand,andNatalieCole.ButDavidwantedtogiveitto
youactually,tobothofusbecauseit'strulyalovesongandheknowswe'reinlove."
[205]
"AndwhydoesheknowitwhenmyneighborsinMontrealdon't?"
IwascertainofRene'slove,butIunderstoodlessandlesshiscontinuedinsistenceupondenyingtheobvious.Nobody,anywhere,
wasfooledatthispointnotinParis,notinMontreal. Iwas reproachinghim more andmoreoften about refusing to let me tell the
worldhelovedme.Eachtime,hebroughtupouragedifferenceandhisfearthatI'dbeunhappyinten,fifteen,twentyyears.Healso
worriedthatpeoplewouldlaughorsayhe'dabusedhispowerandhadexploitedme.
"Itcouldruinyourcareer."
"Couldtheliethatwe'vebeentellingforfouryearsbeanylessdestructive?Luckily,peopledon'tbelieveusanymore.Howcoulda
womanwho'ssupposedtolivewithoutloveandhasneverknownitinherwholelifesingsongslikealltheonesIsing?"
For me, none of his arguments held any water. For more than ten years, we'd shared the same experiences. Everything he had
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learnedbeforeme,he'dtaughtme.He'dtoldmeeverything,givenmeeverything.We'dbeenpartnersformorethantenyears,lovers
formorethanfour.AndsoonI'dbetwentyfive.Ididn'tseewhyIhadtohidemylovelife.EverytimeIbroughtupthesubject,hetold
metowaitalittlewhilelonger.
"I'mwarningyou,"ItoldhimthatdayontheplanetoSeville."ThefirsttimeIsing'TheColourofMyLove'inpublic,I'mgoingto
singitforreal.I'mgoingtoannouncethecolorsofmylifeandgive
myloveaname."
HeknewImeantwhatIsaid.HealsoknewIlovedhimdeeply.
Butaboveall,hetrustedme.Andhelovedmetoo.
Atthetime,nothinginfuriatedhimmorethantohearorreadthathehadabsolutepoweroverme.Orthathetoldmewhattothink,
say,ordo.EspeciallyinQuebec,alotofpeoplebelievedorwantedtobelievethat.Iknewthis,butitreallydidn'tinterestme.There
was,ofcourse,sometruthbehindit:atthebeginningofour
relationship,Renehadcompletelyguidedmehehadformedme.Ican'tdenyitandIthankheavenforiteveryday.Butlittlebylittle,
heletmeflywithmyownwings.
"Beyourself.Saywhatyouthink,saywhatyouhavetosay."Irealizetodaythemomentwhenheencouragedandpushedmetobecome
a free and independent woman. I know and have always known that he wouldn't have loved me as much if I'd obeyed his every
command.Hedoesn'tlikeweakpeoplewhohavenoopiniononanything.
Sometimes during interviews or onstage between songs, I would make an outrageous remark. Often these made him laugh. In
Seville,however,hewincedabit.BecausethistimewhatIsaidwasbeyondoutrageous.Duringthepressconferencebeforetheshowat
theCanadianPavilion,ajournalistfromMontrealaskedwhatIthoughtofthe"separatist"movementinQuebec.
IspontaneouslysaidIwasagainstboundaries.
TheCanadianmediatriedtomakethisintoahugestory,claimingthatIconsideredthepossiblesecessionofQuebecfromtherestof
CanadatobeahorriblenightmareforQuebec.Ihadsteppedondangerousgroundandshouldhavesaidthatpoliticswereoutsidethe
realmofmyknowledge.Renethoughtthattoaskasingertotalkpoliticswasakindofdirtytrick.
"Didthatwritereverthinkofaskingtheprimeministertosinginfrontoftwentymillionpeoplelikeyoudo?Allhewastryingtodo
wastoembarrassyou."
Evenmoretroubling,IreceivedacongratulatorymessagefromtheCanadianprimeminister,who'dalwaysbeenonverybadterms
withtheQuebecoisnationalistswhowerecampaigningforseparation.ThusIfoundmyselfinthemiddleofacontroversythathadbeen
goingonforgenerationsandforwhichtherewasreallynosolutioninsight.Inmyinnocentway,I'dthrownoilonthefire.ButRene
toldmeagainthatI'dbeenrightinsayingwhatIthought.
[207]
"Youcanevenchangeyourmind,ifyourhearttellsyouto.Don'tlistentoothers.Saywhatyouthink.Ifyouhavenothoughtsabout
something,sayit.Peoplelikeyoubecauseyou'rereal."
ButIwasveryupsetaboutmystatementatSeville.IfeltI'dreallyhurtanddisappointedthepeopleIlovedthemostintheworld.I
triedtoexplainmyselftootherCanadianjournalists.ItoldthemthatIactuallybelievedthattherewasnothingtowinbyseparatingand
thatifitwereuptome,therewouldn'tbeanybordersanywhere.Iknowthatsuchstatementsshowanaiveteaboutpolitics,history,and
publicaffairs,butIhaveneverpretendedtobeknowledgeableandinformedaboutsuchthings.AllIreallywantedwasfortheQuebe
coistoknowIhadaspecialloveforthem,
Iwasbeginningrealizethefrighteningpowerthepublicgrantstooeasilytostars,evenwhenitcomestosubjectsinwhichthey
haveabsolutelynoexpertise.I'vedoneadsfor,amongothers,CocaColaandChrysler.I'dalwaysbeenspokespersonandsponsorfor
theQuebecCysticFibrosisAssociation.Iknowthatbeingvisible,listenedto,andimitatedispartofastar'slife,thatwhatyousayor
do can carry a lot of weight and have enormous consequences. But in Seville, for the first time, that power seemed stifling. Thus,
everythingthatIdidfromthenon,everythingIsaid,wouldberepeated,analyzed,andcommentedupon,evenifithadnothingtodo
withmycareerasasinger.
"It'sbecauseyou'renotonlyasinger,"Renetoldme."Nowyou'reastarinQuebec.Thebiggestonethey'veeverhad.Andoneday,
notfaroff,you'llbeastarinFranceandtheUnitedStatestoo,everywhereintheworld."
Tome,thatalsoseemedlikeanoutrageousremark.Iwouldneverhavedaredtosaysuchathing.ButRenehadnoqualmsaboutit,
notonlyinprivate,betweenourselves,butinpublic.Iknewsomepeoplethoughthewasanegomaniacwho'dtellanyonethatoneday
I'dbeknownasthegreatestsingerintheworld.InQuebec,ithadbecomesomethingofanationaljoke.
ButthatwashowRenedidthings.Heneverworriedaboutcountinghischickensbeforetheyhatched.Hesawhimself
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asamillionaireandactedlikeonelongbeforehebecamerichhesawmeasagiganticstar,eventhoughintheUnited
StatesIwasstillonlyasmall,risingstarwhocoulddisappearinatwinkle.
OpeningforMichaelBoltonwasexhausting,particularlybecausewehadtochangecitieseveryday.Butwewerefinally
doingwhatwehadalwaysdreamedofdoing:workinginthecountrythatcreatedthe"bigtime."Inthebeginning,Isang
for very restless, impatient audiences who were waiting to hear Michael Bolton and weren't interested in me. I had a
defectivesoundsystemandverylittlespacebecausethestagewastakenupbythemixersandinstrumentsforthemain
act.What'smore,theconcertswereheldoutdoors,anditwasstilldaylightwhenIwentonstage.
ButIputmywholesoulintoit.Littlebylittle,arumorstartedtocirculatethatmyshowwasdefinitelyworthgettingto
thetheaterearlytosee.EventuallyRenewasabletoconvincetheproducerstobeginmyshowahalfhourlater.Bytheend
ofthetour,Ihadgoodlightingandabettersoundsystem.
Duringthistime,keepingquietaboutourlovewasmadness,especiallybecausethepaperswerehavingafielddaywith
therumors.Attheendofthesummer,whenIreturnedtoQuebec,thepresswaswaitingforme.
"Well,Celine,whataboutyourlovelife?"
They could have asked me a thousand questions about my career, about the U.S. tour, about my next album, about
Rene'shealth,oraboutthesixpoundsI'dlostwhiletouring.Butnothinginterestedthemmorethanmylovelife.AndIstill
refusedtotalkaboutit.
Ahead of time, Rene had agreed to let me do a onehour interview, oneonone, with Lise Payette, the queen ofTV
confession.Hecer
[209]
tainlyknewshehadthemeanstomakemeadmiteverything.AndIknewittoo.
Up to then, interviews had never made me nervous. I always saw them as an occasion to tell the whole truth.That
morning,IaccusedReneofwantingtokeepourrelationshipsecretbecausehebelieveditcouldn'tlast.
"Ifyoudon'twantmetotalkaboutit,it'sbecauseyou'renotsureyouloveme."
I'doftenpresentedhimwiththatargument.Thistime,however,Imusthavefoundwordsandgesturesthathithome,
becausehewasreallyrattled.HetoldmeIwasright,thatitcouldn'tgoonlikethis.HereallylikedLisePayette,andhe
thoughtthatthiswouldbeagoodopportunitytotellheroursecretratherthanletthescandalsheetsgetholdofitfirst.
ButonthewaytoTeleMetropole,hechangedhismind.Heconvincedmetowait.
"We'vegottoprepare."
"Forwhat?"
"We'vegottodoitallinabigway.I'vegotabetteridea.You'llsee."
IremindedhimofthedeadlineI'dset,thatwhenIsang"TheColourofMyLove"I'dsayhisname.
"Thinkingofthatwasexactlywhatgavememyidea."
Whenwearrivedatthestudio,heimmediatelywenttothecontrolroom.Themakeuppersonandthehairdressermust
havefoundmecoldanddistant.Iwasdistracted.Iwasthinkingofthiswholesenselessstory.OfReneandhowhealways
won.Andalwayshadabetteridea'Iwasalsothinkingofmyself,andhowIalwaysgavein.
LisePayettehadmetalkaboutmyfamily,mytour,mynextalbum,aboutRene'sheartattack.Ibegantellingherwhat
had happened, how he'd felt sick when we were at the pool, how I'd alerted everybody, and how I'd ended up at the
hospitalinabathingsuit.
SheinterruptedmeandaskedifIwasinlovewithRene.Afterall,Ispokeabouthimsomuch.
This threw me off balance. I began to splutter that I did love a man, but that I couldn't divulge his name because it
wouldcompromisemycareer.Theliemademefeelevenmoreoffbalanceandupset.Noonewouldunderstand.Iburst
intotears.WhenshehandedmeaboxofKleenex,Iburstoutlaughingthroughmytears.Allinall,Ithinkthetwoofus
cameoffasveryrealpeople.
ButI'dletagoodoccasionformy"comingout"passmeby,Ihadtoliveevenmoremonthswiththeselies.Iconvinced
myselfthatitwouldbebetterifReneandImadetherevelationtogether.
Hetoowasveryshakenupbytheinterview.Foramoment,hewishedI'dadmittedeverything.
"Oh,really?Andwhatwouldwehavedonewithyourbetteridea?"
"It'snotmyidea,Celine.It'syours."
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OnMarch30,1993,thedayofmytwentyfifthbirthday,Iwokeupwithaburningthroat.Threedayslater,Iwassup
posedtodoanimportantshowattheMontrealForum.
Iwastired.ForsixmonthsI'dbeenlivinginhell.TheanxietyfollowingRene'sheartattack,thestressandconstant
effortrequiredbytheAmericantour,thatintolerablewaiting,thepublicity,thetrips,andtherecordingsessions.Justafew
months earlier, I'd even sung at President Bill Clinton's inaugural ceremonies. Everything had built up to a level that
overwhelmedmeattimes.
Ikepthavingthesamenightmare.IwasontheroofofaveryhighbuildingprobablyinanAmericancitylikeNewYork
orChicago.Therewerealotofpeopleonthegroundwatchingmeandshoutingatmenottojump.Iwantedthemtoknow
Ihadabsolutelynointentionofjumping.Buteithertheydidn'thearmeortheyweren'tlistening.Theyseemedpanic
strickenandwererunningleftandright.
[211]
ThenIsawthatthousandsofpeoplewereenteringthebuilding,likeants,takingtheelevatoruptotheroofinordertostop
orsaveme.Ididn'treallyknowanymore.Theygottotheroof.Theyrantowardme,shoutingnonstop.Theytoldmetobe
careful.Butthistime,Iwastheonewhowasn'tlistening.Ijumpedintoemptyspacetoescapethem.AndIfellforalong
time,veryslowly.Icouldseethedeserted,empty,darkcity.Noonewaslefttowatchmefall.Itriedtocry,butnosound
emergedfrommymouth.
Iwokeupjustbeforehittingtheground.IwantedtofindMaman'snightgownundermypillow,andwouldhaveburied
myfaceinit.ButIstayedawakeforalongtime,untilIrememberedwhatcityIwasin.
Duringthenexttwoorthreeweeks,IdidpublicityinEurope.Witharagingcold,IhostedtheJunosinToronto.ThenI
sangattheGrammiesinLosAngeles,wherePeaboBrysonandIreceivedanawardasbestpopduetfor"Beautyandthe
Beast."
WhenIreachedthepodium,IsaidafewwordsinEnglishandthenspoketotheQuebecoisinFrenchwithmynative
accent,theaccentofmychildhood.Iknewtheywerewatchingmefromtheothersideofthecontinentandthattheywere
proudofme.IalsoknewtheyweretheonlyoneswhocouldunderstandwhatIwassaying.ItwasasifIwasspeaking
directlyintotheirears.Atthesametime,itwasawayoftellingtheAmericanpublicthatIcamefromsomewhereelse.
AndthatIstayedintouchwithmyroots.
I'mnotsurehow,butatthebanquetfollowingtheceremony,IfoundmyselfseatedinfrontofMichaelJacksonand
BrookeShields.Welaughedquiteabit,particularlyBrookeandI.Michaelseemedrathertimidtome.Hespokesosoftly
thatIhadtoleancloserandaskhimtorepeathimself.WithBrooke,Ispokeaboutclothesandhair.Shetoldmeshewould
love to sing: I told her I would love to make movies. I'm not sure if she was serious, but I know I was. I love making
videos.ButIdon'thavetimeformovies,notevenforthelittlefeaturesthatrunthroughmyheadallthetime.
Iworkeddayandnightputtingtogethermynewshow,workingonthedirection,thespokentransitions,thescenery,lighting,sound.I
evendesignedmystagecostume:aredsatinblousewitharufflyjabotattheneckandtightblackleatherpants.
IwasbeginningtofeelthatI'dgonetoofar,toofast.Ihadtorealizethatsomewhereinsideofme,therewasatiredandpuzzledlittle
girlIhadn'tbeenpayingattentiontoorlisteningtoforquiteawhile.Nowshewasmakingsignstome,remindingmeofherneeds.
Thislittlegirlhadnoneedforapplauseandovations,nodesiretogivethebiggestconcertintheworld.Shejustwantedalittlepeace
andalittlerest.
Aroundthistime,IwentwithSuzanneGinguetomeetwithDr.RileyandDr.KorovininNewYork.Theylistenedtome,scolded
me,andreassuredme.Thentheyrecommendedtwodaysofsilence.
WhenwereturnedtoMontreal,Renewaswaitingattheairport.Inthelimousine,ItoldhimIwouldn'tbespeakingfortwodays.
He'dalwaysrespectedmysilentperiods,butthatevening,heaskedmetowaitafewhoursbeforeplungingintoone.
"Why?What'sgoingon?"
"Nothing.Wait,you'llsee."
He'dreservedaluxurioussuiteinadowntownhotel.He'dordereddinnerfortwo,withcandlesandBaroquemusic.
Duringthemeal,hepulledasmallboxoutofhispocketandputitonthetablebetweenus.Hewasnervous,intimidatedtooitwas
verytouchingtosee.
"Iloveyou,Celine,"hetoldme."IloveyoulikeI'veneverlovedanyone.Iwanttolivewithyou."
Hisvoiceandeyeswerevelvet.
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Iopenedtheboxandsawtheengagementring.Iknewthismeantthatourlovecouldfinallyberevealed.
6
IwishIhadbettermemoriesofthefirstofmythreeshowsattheMontrealForumthatspring.Asusual,theaudiencewasunendingly
generouswithme,butfrombeginningtoend,IfeltthatIwaskindofoutofit.
Istillfeltverytired,andnowthatIknewhowfragilemyvoicewas,Icontinuedtoworrythatitwouldbedamaged.PerhapsIwas
alsofocusedonthehappinessRenehadgivenme,andforallthesereasons,Ihadtroubleprojectingmyselfintomysongsandreallyliv
ingthem.
Occasionally,Inearlygavewaytomyworstenemy,towhatIcall"mysingingrobot."Shedoeseverythingmechanically.Shehas
mybodyandvoicebutnotmysoul.
OnmyfingerwastheengagementringRenehadgivenmeafewdaysbefore,butstillIfeltuninvolvedandincapableofconnecting
withtheaudience.
Imustadmitthatsingingcertainsongsnightafternight,for
[214]
months,foryears,canbeextremelydifficult.Whenasonghasbeenrepeatedtoomanytimes,itbeginstoseememptyofmeaningand
emotion.SomehowIhavetofindmeaningandemotiondeepinsidemyself,andwitheachpassingdaythisdemandsmoreandmore
effort.
Ofcourse,I'mluckytohaveavastrepertoire.AndIcandipintoanentireFrenchandEnglishrepertoirefromthelastten,twenty,
fiftyyears.ThissuppliesmewiththousandsandthousandsofsongsthatIlove,suchas"CallingYou,""AllbyMyself,"or"Quandon
n'a que 1'amour" (WhenYou've Got Nothing but Love), "The Power of Love," and "All theWay." I literally fell in love with those
songs,andwantedtoreinterpretthem,evenifthey'dalreadybeenperformedbyothers,oftenmasterfully.
ThisiswhyIcanchangethecontentofmyshowsregularlyIalwayshavesongsthatarenewandstriking.ButIalsoknowthatI
can'tjustperformwhatIlike.Ihavetotakeintoaccountwhatmyaudiencewantstohear.
Forexample,weknewfromtheaudience'sinitialreactionto"ThePowerofLove"thatthiswasasongtheworldwouldadorefora
long time. But some evenings, singing this song felt like an incredible chore. I'd already sung it so many times that I thought the
"singingrobot"wouldgetholdofit.
Ialwaysgothroughahoneymoonperiodwithsongs.Thefirstencountersareinspiringanddeeplyaffecting.Iremember,asamother
mustrememberaboutthebirthofherchildren,thefirstcontactIhavewithasong.IevenrememberwhereIwasahotelroom,astudio,
aplane,alimousine.IrecalltheclothesIwaswearing,thelighting,whattheweatherwaslike,whoIwaswith.
Butthechemistrydoesn'tlast.It'salittlelikelove.Sometimesyouhavetofightagainsthabitsoitkeepsfeelinglikethefirsttime.
Youhavetoreinventthesongjustasyouhavetoreinventlove,findingsomethingnewiniteachtime.
[215]
ThatnotoriousnightattheForum,Iworkedlikeamaniacfrombeginningtoend,butwithbadresults,Ithought.
Renedidn'trunthroughthedetailsofmyshowasheusuallydid.Heseemedoverwhelmedhimself.
"You'retired,it'smyfault.I'vepushedyoutoohard.Youneedtorest.You'lltakethetimeyouneed,"hesaid.
Butthesecondnightwasthecompleteoppositeitwasoneofthebestshowsofmycareer,evenifI'dimaginedtheworstwhenI
started.
Anhourbeforethecurtainrose,IwasvisitedbymynieceKarinewithtwonursesandadoctorfromSainteJustine,whereshe'd
been hospitalized for several weeks. When I saw her, my heart leaped. She was so pale, so defeated, so tiny and shriveled in her
wheelchairwithoxygentanksattachedtotheback.Herlungshadbecomeweakandcongestedandshecouldn'tbreathebyherself.
Forthefirsttime,Icouldtellfromhersmilethatshewasreadytostopfighting.Itoldmyselfthatshe'dcometosaygoodbye.
AscloseasI'dbeentoKarinesinceshewasababy,Icouldn'tmanagetomakecontactwithherthatevening.Inolongerknew
whattosayorevenhowtolookather.Andshenoticedit.Soshecametogetme,speakingtome,asifnothingwasthematter.She
talkedtomeaboutmysongs,mylastalbum,mystagecostumeaswellasaskingplentyofquestionsaboutParisandHollywood,She
wantedtohearaboutallthegreatcitiesoftheworldwhereI'dsung.ShewasespeciallyinterestedinPrincessDiana,withwhomI'd
dinedafewweeksearlierinOttawa.
Withapalesmileshetoldme:"Ifoundoutthatyouarenowinlove.I'mhappyforyou."
Icouldn'tpreventmyselffromthinkingofeverythingIhad,ofallthehappinessIcouldexpectfromlife.Allthethingsthatwould
nevercometoher.Thosethoughtsbrokemyheartandtookawayallmydesiretogoonstrageandsingmylovesongs.
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Weweresittingoffbyourselves,andlittlebylittle,Iwasabletotalktoher,likeaveryclosefriend,aboutmanythings,includingmy
goodfortunetobelovingamanandhavinghiminmylife.Iwasnolongerafraidofhurtingher.
Shelistenedtomeandkeptsaying:"I'mhappyforyou,Celine."Iwasverytouched,andalsodisconcerted.WhenIwentonstage,Ifelt
thesingingrobotatmyheels.ButIknewthatKarinewouldbeinoneoftheboxesRenehadreservedforfamilyandfriends.Inthinking
other,Iwasoverwhelmedbyagreatpeaceandbystrength,Karine'sstrength.Fromthatmomenton,Isangeverysongforher.Ifelther
supportingmeandknewshe'dalwaysbetherenearme,thatshewouldn'tdie.
IalmostwantedtotelltheaudienceattheForum,andespeciallyher:"Youwon'tdie,Karine,youwon'tdie."
Ididn'tseeheraftertheshow.Herdoctorandthenursesthoughtshewastootiredtojointhecrowd.Thenextafternoon,shecalledto
tellmehowmuchshelovedmyshow.ItoldherI'dreallylikedittoo.IthadbeenagoodshowbecauseI'ddoneitwithmywholeheart.
I'dperformedallthesongs,eventheoldest,asifitwerethefirsttime.
Afewdayslater,IleftforEurope,andwhenIreturnedonMay3,IknewthatKarine'sconditionwasworsening.AssoonasIgotoff
theplane,ReneandIrushedtoseeheratthehospital.LiettewasatherbedsideandIcouldtellshe'dbeencryingalot.Isatdownon
thebedandthethreeofusstayedlikethatforalongtimewithoutsayinganything.Therewasalotoftendernessandserenityamong
us.
Reneremainedstandingatthefootofthebed.Irememberhowtouchingandhelplessheseemed.Healwaysknowswhattodo,but
thistimehedidn't.Duringsuchraremoments,heactslikealittleboy,whichIfindverymoving.
ThedoctorshadgivenKarinemorphine,butstillshewashavinga
lotoftoublebreathing.IaskedifIcoulddosomethingforher.
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"I'dliketohaveanewpairofpajamas."
ItwasSunday.Renefoundawayofgettingholdoftheownerofasleepwarestorewhoagreedtolethimin.Heboughtapairof
pajamasandanightgown.Hetoldmeheweptashechosethem.WeknewthatKarinewasresignedtodying,thatweweredressing
herforherlastvoyage.Itwaslikearitual,aceremony.
Ihelpedmysisterchangeandwashherdaughterandcombherhair.Bothofuswereholdingbackourtears.Karinechosethered
andwhite pajamas. Her mother and I took turns rocking her in our arms. I sang her "Les Oiseaux du bonheur" (The Birds of
Happiness).Liettespokesoftlytoherasshesmoothedherhair.
Karinebegantolistthethingsshe'dlovedthemostinlife.Thingswithoutanyconnectiontoeachother,butvery,veryspecific:the
salmonpatemymothermade,twoorthreeofmysongs,theriveratRepentigny,thedressesshe'dmostlovedwearing.Itwasakindof
inventoryortestamentshewaspackingherbagswithmemoriesforthevoyageshewasabouttobegin,asifshewantedonlytotake
withherthefewbeautifulthingsshehadknown.Andtoforgettherest.
Shediedjustaftermidnight.Shewassixteenyearsold.
Karine,thatcheerfullittlespiritwhowasalwaysthereinsomenookorcrannyofmymemory,hadaffectedmedeeply.Shewasthefirst
childIwasclosewithandwithwhomI'destablishedagenuinelymutualunderstanding.Now,thiswasnochildliketheothers.Although
illnesshadpreventedherfromgrowinginbody,she'dmaturedrapidly.Andtherewasastrongandpowerfullightinher.Lifeisnot
fair,butpeoplelikeKarinethebroken,thedisadvantaged,thesickaren'therefornothing.Theybringsomethingtous.
Duringtheweeksandmonthsafterherdeath,Icouldn'tthinkofherwithoutfeelingasidefromgreathurtaterribleconfusion
andasenseofrebellion,feelingsthatIdon'tlike.Karinehadleftwithouthavingknownlove,afterasadlifespentconstantlytryingto
catchherbreath.Shewasalwayscrushedbyfatigueandhadtosubmittoconstantdietsanddreadfultreatments.
There's nothing you can do against death or the injustices of nature and life. Even love isn't enough. It would be too beautiful,
actually,andtooeasy,iflovingwereenoughtosolvealltheproblemsintheworld,iflovingwereenoughtomakeeveryonewelove
happy.
You'vegottofacereality.You'vegottoact,fight.Perhapsgiveinsomeday,likeKarinedid.Butgiveintowhat?Ireallydon'tknow.
IhopeandIbelievethereisanotherlife.Ievenbelievethattheemotionthatcomesfromsongscomesinlargepartfromthatotherlife.
Andit'stheartist'sroletobringthatfeelingintoourlives.
Eachevening,inourhouseinFlorida,Ilightcandlesineveryroomofthehouse,dozensanddozensoflittleflames.Ilovethesoft
glowtheycreate.Beforegoingtobed,whenIblowoutthelastlittleflame,IalmostalwaysthinkofKarine.Andofdeath.AndIalways
feelatwingeoffear.
KarinemademediscoverandexploreanentireworldofemotionIwouldneverhaveknownwithouther.Formesheisn'tdead,and
sheneverwillbe.Ialwaysfeelherverynear,helpingme,inspiringme,lightingupmylife.AndwhenIfeelthesingingrobotcoming
near,allIhavetodoisthinkofKarineanditgoesaway.
Idon'treallyhaveamindforfiguresanddates.ButNovember8,1993,willalwaysbeetchedinmymemoryasoneofthebestdaysof
mylife.ThiswasthedaymythirdEnglishalbum,TheColourofMyLove,wasreleasedintheUnitedStates.Ihadacompletelynew
lookforthefirsttime,Ihadveryshorthair.Butthatisn'tthereasonthisdaywassomemorable.Itsbecauseitmarkedthe
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momentwhenItoldthewholeworldthatReneAngelilandIweregoingtobemarried.
IannouncedittoasuperchargedaudienceattheMetropolisandinfrontofthecamerasofalltheMontrealtelevisionstations,both
FrenchandEnglish.Onthebackofthealbumcover,I'dwrittenseverallinesaddresseddirectlytoRene,remindinghimthatI'dkeptthe
secretofourgreatloveinsidefortoolongandthatnowIwantedittobreakoutintothelightofday.Ifinishedbysaying:"Rene,you're
thecolorofmylove.L.V."
We'venevertoldanyonewhatL.V.means.IsitLasVegas?No.LoveandVictory?Notreally.Thenumber55inRomannumerals?
Absolutelynot.
It'soursecret,asymbol.WhenIsaluteReneduringashoworwhenIgoontelevision,Ialwaysmakeoursignforhim,bymakingan
LwithmyindexfingerandthumbandtheclassicVforvictoryandpeace.
Alotofpeoplehavealmostfirsthandexperienceofourintimacy.Especiallysincethatday,November8, I've been speaking very
freelytothemediaRenehasaswellaboutourlove,ourmisgivings,ourjoysandsorrows,ourfeelings,andevenaboutourarguments.
Almosteverythingthatwedosomehowendsupknown,inonewayoranother,Webelievethatthebestwaytoavoidbeingharassedby
thepaparazziistobefasterthantheyareandbeatthemtothepunch.Shewhoservesherselfisbestserved.So,inaway,weareour
ownpaparazzi.
Themediaassumesthatthepublicisfascinatedbystars.I'msurethat'strue,butthemediaalsowantsustobelievethatthepublicis
curioustoknowwhatcelebritiesown.Howmanybathroomsandhousestheyhaveandhowmuchmoneytheyearn.Inthisway,Ithink
themediaisdeceived,anddeceivespeople,bycreatingafalserelationshipbetweenthestarsandthepublic.I'mconvincedthatpeople
aremoreinterestedinthesmallerdetailsoflife.
During my shows, between songs, I've always talked about what's happening in my life. Every time I bring up the subject of
shopping,forexample,andtalkaboutthepleasureIgetfromtryingonnewdressesorshoesordiscoveringanewbeautycream,allthe
women in the house laugh and applaud. Each time that I talk about the pleasure a woman feels in making a meal for her husband,
there'sthesamereaction.Thesimplestandmostcommonthingsoflifethat'swhatpeopleliketohearabout.
Whentheycometoseemeafterashoworintheletterstheywritetome,peopletellmetheirdreams.Andit'sneverbeenabout
takingtheConcorde,nightsattheBeverlyHillsHotel,oreveningswithBarbraStreisandorPrinceCharles.Theydreamaboutbeing
happyinloveandabouthavingconfidenceinthemselves.Basically,weare
allthesame.
Someartistswanttochangetheworld.That'sallwellandgood,butI'mnotlikethat.I'mnottryingtochangetheworld.Ijustwant
tosingtotheworld.It'sassimpleasthat.Ihavenoangerordissatisfactionraginginme.I'mnotatorturedsoul.
Nonetheless,Ineedmylittleintimate,secretgarden,whichonlythemanIlovecanenter.Withoutthat,acouplecouldn'texist.We
needspaceandwords,andsignals,likeourspecialL.V.
Ontheeveningofmynewalbum'srelease,IdidseveralofitssongsfortheaudienceattheMetropolis.Duringtheapplausethat
followed"TheColourofMyLove,"Renecameonstageandtookmeinhisarms.Islidmyhandbehindhishead,drewittowardme,
and drank a tear that was running down his cheek. Then I kissed him on the mouth, in front of two thousand people and all the
television
cameras.
Therewereshoutsandapplause.Onthegiantscreen,outofthecornerofmyeyes,Isawacloseupofourkiss.
Thenextday,asIsawtheunanimousreactionofthemedia,I
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shoutedforjoy.Foronce,ReneAngelilhadbeenwrong.Foryearshe'dbeenafraidpeoplewouldthinkwewerewrongforeachother
andwouldaccusehimofmanipulatingme.Butjusttheoppositehappened.Therewasanimmenselysympatheticreaction,andnotjust
forthemoment.Thepublicneverdoubtedthatwetrulylovedeachother.
RenehasalwayshadatremendousaffectionfortheQuebecoispublic.Whereverweareintheworld,hemakessuretoletthemknow
everythingthatishappeningtous.Onthedayafterourkiss,Ithink,hisrespectfortheQuebecoisclimbedanotch.
Weweregoingtodiscoverquicklythattheresponsewasjustaswarmelsewhere.Thepublicandthemediawerefascinatedbyusas
acouple.Afteryearsoflivingourlovesecretly,wenowbegantalkingaboutitopenly.Ourlovewouldbecomethecentralthemeofmy
wholelife,ofallmyshows,mytrademarkandmybanner.Finally,IcouldsingaboutthatlifeexperiencewithoutpretendingIwasn't
livingit.
Afterthelaunchofmynewalbum,IwentonapromotionaltouracrossNorthAmerica.Tothegreatdisappointmentofthepeopleof
Sony,Ihardlyspokeaboutmynewalbum,orabouttheshowIwaspreparing.Instead,ItalkedaboutReneandourhappiness.Itold
ArsenioHall,JayLeno,andOprahWinfreythathewasmyinspiration.ItoldthestoryofourfirstnighttogetherinDublinandofthe
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yearswelivedourloveinsecret.Itoldeveryonethatsoonwe'dbemarried.
"When?"they'dask.
"Onedaywhenwehavethetime."
Thesummerbefore,we'dboughtalargehouseinRosemere,Quebec,andseveralmonthsbeforeourpublicannouncement,wehad
begunlivingtogetherasmanandwife.Onthewallatthetopofthestaircaseleadingtoourroom,Renehadhungagiganticphotoofus
together.Inthephoto,itsclearthatwe'reawareofthecrowdaroundus,butwe'refacingeachother,lostineachother'seyes,bothofus
beaming.
Reneoftenstoppedinfrontofthatphoto.
"Everyonehadtohaveknownalready,"hewouldtellme,laughing."Justbyseeingourexpressions."
"That'swhatIwasalwaystellingyou,darling.Lovecan'tbehidden.Itslikelight."
Neverhadthewhirlwindofourlifebeenaspowerfulasitwasinthemonthsleadinguptoourmarriage.IwasinOsaka,Japan,withthe
TokyoSymphonyOrchestra,OnstagewithMichaelJacksonattheMGMGrandinLasVegas. Doing publicity in London.Filminga
video in Prague, recording new songs in NewYork. Dashing up to Montreal for a quick visit. Spending three days in Paris. Then
returningtoTokyo,..
NeverbeforehadIreallyunderstoodtheexpression"nottohaveaminutetooneself."Wecouldn'tstop,nordidweevenconsiderit.I
eventhinkwewereincrediblyhappybeingcarriedalongthisway.Wemadesomeshortstops,mostofteninFlorida,wherewefinally
boughtahouseinPalmBeach,rightonagolfcourse.Then,forafewdays,we'dseeothercouples:usuallyMurielleandMarcVerreault
orCocoandPierreLacroix,whowereRene'sgolfpartners.I'dsitinthesun,relax,checkouttheshopsonWorthAvenue,walkalittle.
Sometimes,butrarely,I'dgolf,butIdidn'tgetanyparticularpleasureoutofityet.
Idefinitelywasn'tgettingintothespiritofthesport.Ineverplayed,notevenonce.Ialsodidn'treallyliketheatmosphereofgolf
courses.ButprimarilyIwasn'tcomfortablebeingidleoronvacation.AssoonasIstoppedworking,Ifeltfragileandanxious.Itwas
never
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longbeforeIstartedlookingforsomethingtooccupymytimeandmymind.
Oneday,inthegardensatTheBreakers,averywellknown,spectacularoldhotelonPalmBeach,webegantotalkaboutourwedding
withPierreandCocoLacroix.Renewantedittobesimpleandratherconventional.Forexample,hewantedtofindapriestwho'dmarry
usinasmallchapel.Isupposetheideawasratherromantic,buttomymind,itlackedpizzazz.
Iwantedafabulous,unforgettablewedding.Arealprincess'smarriage,withalotofceremony,notalittle.Iwantedtobethe"big
time."
"There'snowayI'mgettingmarried'smalltime,'darling,"ItoldRene.
Atbottom,I'mmoreextrovertedthanhe,infinitelymoreeccentricandexhibitionistic.Iwantedtocreateauniqueandveryspectac
ularevent.Iwantedmymarriagetobeadeclarationofloveandavowoffidelitythatthewholeworldcouldwitness.
MyfriendCocounderstoodperfectlywhatIwastryingtocreate.Andfromthebeginning,shegotinvolvedintheentireproject.
AtfirstI'dthoughtaboutacruiseintheCaribbean.We'drentanoceanliner,bringourwholeworldonboard.We'dgetmarriedon
thehighseas,onanightwithafullmoon.
"Wecan'treallyexpecttwoorthreehundredpeopletoattendaweddingthatlastsseveraldays,"saidRene.
"Youmeanfiveorsixhundred."
Hewaslaughing.EverythingIsuggestedseemedcompletelyexcessiveandextremelyexpensive.Andthat'sfinallywhatcaptivated
himaboutmyproject:theexcessiveness,therisk,andtheextravagance.
Later,headmittedthathedidn'tthinkwehadthemoneytopay
forsuchaluxuriouswedding.Wewerealreadysellingmillionsofrecordsandwererich,butwhatIwasplanningwithCocowasgoing
tocostalot.ThiswasbeforemyFallingintoYouandD'Eux(Them)albumsandtours,whichwouldbringinmillionsofdollars.Never
theless,Reneletmetakechargeofthisevent.
"AllI'maskingisthatitshouldtakeplaceinQuebec,"hesaid.Ifullyagreedwithhim.That'swhereourrootsareandwheremostof
ourfriendsandfamilylive.Andthat'swheremyfirstaudienceisfound.SoweweregettingmarriedinfrontofGodandman,withthe
mostspectacularceremonyeverseen.
Because of my concert schedule, we had to postpone the date of the big day from month to month.While waiting, I used all the
crumbsoftimethatIcouldcollect,allthehoursIspentinaplane,forexample,andmyperiodsofsilenceandsolitude,topreparethe
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event,tomakeasmallchangeinthedecor,andtodesignweddingdresses.Iporedoverhundredsoftheminfashionmagazines.
FirstIdidarapidinventoryofthedressesIlovedthemost.ThenItriedtomakeaselection.Iwasattractedfirsttocostumesfrom
oldentimes,dresseswornbymarquisesandprincesses,veryelaborateandheavilydecoratedstuff,allwhiteandveryspectacular,full
ofpearls,sequins,andembroidery,withverynarrowwaists,lotsofveils,taffeta,andflounces,andofcoursealongtrain.Awhitemink
boleroonmyshoulders.Formy"head,adiademortiarafullofjewels.
I was discovering that my tastes were rather retro and nostalgic. I didn't resist this tendency. I wanted my wedding gown to be
dreamlike. For me, of course, but also for the public.As far as I'm concerned, very contemporary dresses, which are often very
beautiful,don'tprovokeasmanydreamsasthoseofearliertimes.
Buttherewasquiteadistancebetweenmydreamandreality,athousandandonedetailsthateludedme.IsentMiaallsortsofdraw
ingsandsketchesthatI'dscrawledonpaper.Dozensofmagazine
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clipsaswell.Littlebylittle,theimageofmyfabulousweddingdressgrewmoreprecise.
Duringthesummer,inNewYork,LosAngeles,London,andParis,Itriedoncountlessdresses.Isawandworethemostbeautiful
gownsintheworld.Wealsomadetheroundsofallthegreatbootmakers,corserieres,jewelers,andfurriers.
Miacameoveronedaywiththecassettesoftwofilms,DangerousLiaisonsandTheAgeofInnocence.Inthesefilms,GlennClose
and Michele Pfeiffer wear dresses very similar to the one I was looking for. The look was beautiful, emotional, and elegant. But I
wantedmoretaffeta,pearls,andsequins.
Sowewentfurtherinthatdirection.
Attheendofsummer,whenweofficiallyannouncedthedateandplaceofourweddingDecember17,1994,atNotreDameCathe
dralinMontrealIhadagoodideaofwhatmyweddingdresswouldlooklike.
However,weneededtosettleonprecisedetailsfirstwehadtohavethisdressdrawnonpaper,thenactuallymade.Butnoonecould
findanavailablecouturierwhocouldquicklyassembleateamofseamstresses,pearlandsequinexperts,embroiderers,andlacemakers
tocreateamasterworkofthistypeinafewweeks.
Surprisinglyenough,itwasPterreLacroix,generalmanagerofthehockeyteamtheColoradoAvalanche,inveteratepracticaljoker,
and a cuddly lovable bearcub of a man, who found what we were looking for. He knewI don't know howa couturiere in Montreal
namedMirellaGentilewhomademagnificentclothes.MiaandIwenttomeetherinherSaintLeonardstudiointheeasternpartof
town.Andbothofuswerereallyimpressedbyherexpertise.
Forhourswetalkedtoheraboutthedresswereferredtoas"theAgeofInnocence."Weshowedherourdesignsandourclipsfrom
magazines.IeventhinkMiahadherwatchthefilm.
InSeptember,whenIleftforParistogiveaseriesofconcertsattheOlympia,amannequinwithmyexactmeasurementswasstand
inginthemiddleofMirella'sstudio.Alreadyseveralseamstresseswerebustlingaroundit.Thefabric,pearls,buttons,sequins,jewels,
andtaffetahadallbeenchosenandordered.Thedreamwasunderconstruction.
IwastheretosingfortheParisaudiences,butalsomeetwithwritercomposerJeanJacquesGoldman,whowantedtowritean
albumforme.Theideapleasedusalot.Goldmanisaremarkablecomposerwhoknewhowtobringmeintoamusicaluniversethatwas
differentfromtheoneI'dexploredwithAmericancomposers.
InFrance,hewasakindof"antistar."Millionsofyoungpeoplehadmadeaveritablecultofhim,buthesystematicallyrefusedtobe
talkedaboutinmagazineslikePeopleortoparticipateinshowbizevents.Inotherwords,hewastheexactoppositeofme.
WemetforthefirsttimeinatinyrestaurantnearthePlacede1'Opera.Itwasalovely,warmSeptemberafternoon.Hewasthere
beforeus,inbluejeansandTshirt,ahelmet,andmotorcycleboots.
Idon'treallyknowhowweendeduptalkingaboutourfamiliesandaboutourchildhoods.JeanJacquesmadeuslaughalotwhenhe
launchedintoaverydetailedsummaryofmylife.HeknewaboutourhouseinCharlemagne,mybrothersandsisters,mostofwhose
firstnamesheknew,andallofthegreatmomentsofmycareerinchronologicalorder.Sonyhadsenthimboxesofdocumentsandpress
clippings.
Finally,wespokeatinybitaboutouralbumproject.Renelikedhimrightawaybecausehespoke"aboutrealmatters,"meaningfam
ily,life,andhappiness.
We met again a few days before my premiere at the Olympia. This time, JeanJacques seemed nervous and distracted. We were
halfwaythroughthemealwhenhepulledoutsomebigsheetsofpaperwith
[227]
thewordstohissongswrittenbyhand.Heheldthemouttome,thenchangedhismind.
"I'mgoingtokeepthemuntiltomorrow.You'llcometothestudio.I'llhaveyouhearthemusicatthesametimeasthewords."
Thenextday,hewasconfidentandrelaxed.Likemusiciansatthestudio.Hesatdownatthepiano,aguitaronhisknees.Wewere
sittingquiteclosetohim.Hegaveusthesheetsofpaperfromthedaybefore.Andhebegantosing"Pourquetum'aimesencore"(So
You'llStillLoveMe).
Threequartersofthewaythrough,ReneandIwereholdinghandsandwerebothcrying.JeanJacqueswasn'tlookingatus.He'd
goneonto"J'attendais"(IWasWaiting).Andthento"Je saispas"(Don'tKnow).Thenhestoppedandturnedtowardus.Hewasvery
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disconcertedwhenhesawthatwehadbeencrying.Hegaveusasmilethatwasfullofsuchpleasurethatwebegancryingagainand
laughingatthesamerime.Foralongtime,noonesaidaword.Thenhesnatchedthepileofpapersfrommyhandsandtoldmethere
wasasongthathewantedtorework.
HeseemeddevastatedwhenRenetoldhimwehadonlytwoweeks,untilthebeginningofNovember,fortherecording.Beforethat,
IhadtobeinWashingtonforaspecialbroadcastinhonorofBillandHillaryClinton.IalsohadanothershowattheForuminMontreal,
tendaysofpromotionalworkinJapan,andanappearanceonTheTonightShow.Andnoneofthistookintoaccountthefittingsfor"the
AgeofInnocence"dress.
JeanJacqueswantedtoworkwithmeforafewdaysbeforegoingtothestudio.Hefoundcertaineffects,certainvocalticsI'ddevel
opedirritating.Forexample,hethoughtthatIaddedtoomuchornamentationtosongs.Hedidn'tlikethewayIrolledmyr'sorputtoo
muchpalateintothedentalconsonants.Hetoldmequitefranklywhathelikedanddidn'tlike.Andhewantedmetotakethetimeto
correctwhathethoughtweresomebadhabits.
"Shereallyunderstandswhatyouwant,"Reneexplainedtohim."Youdon'tneedtoworkwithherfordays.Iknowher.Youcan
trusther."
Renewasright.IhadunderstoodbecauseJeanJacqueshadexplainedwhathewantedinawaythatwasauthoritarianandwarmatthe
sametime.Hismusicdemandedamorelowkey,controlled
voice.
Whenweleft,heseemedworried,buthepromisedusthatthetapeswouldbeready.WhenIcametothestudioinNovember,aftermy
concertsattheOlympia,allI'dhavetodowasaddmyvoicetohismusic.
Andmyvoicehadneverfeltsoflexibleandpowerful.I'dnevergottensomuchpleasureoutofit.Itwasmycompanion,mysister,
mybestfriend,myconfidante.Thatvoice,whichIlove,isthesurestandtheshortestroutebetweenwhat'sinsidemeandothers.
Dr.Rileyhadseenitclearly.He'dsaidI'dneedfiveyearsoftrainingtodevelopthatvoice.Itwasdefinitelyworthit.
ThedayofmypremiereattheOlympia,asIwaswalkedonstagetodothesoundtests,InoticedmybrotherMichel.Forsometime,
he'dbeenapartofourteamwhenwetouredhewas,ashehimselfsaid,theshepherdofmusicians.Hetookcareofschedulingalltheir
trips,hotelandrestaurantreservations,thetransportingoftheir
instruments,andtheirstagecostumes.
Standingbehindmymike,hereverentlylookedattherowsofseatsand,attheveryback,theshadow,thatbigvoidthatisalwaysso
terrifyingandsoenticing.Isawhimleanforward,ahandonhis
heart,asifhewerebowingtotheaudience.
Thenhecametowardmeandsaidhe'djustrealizedanolddream.Itwasn'tashe'dbelieveditwouldbe,butevenso,he'dactually
stoodonthestageoftheOlympiainParis.Afewhoursbeforeme,hislittlesister,hisgoddaughter,hisexfan,wasgoingtotriumph
there.
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"TodayIdecidedtostopdreaming.I'vefinallyacceptedthatIwon'thaveacareerinshowbusiness."
"Butit'sbeenyearssinceyousang,"Isaidtohim.
"But every day I dreamed of beginning again.And it's been ruining my life. Today, finally, I decided that it's over. Everybody
doesn'tgetthechanceyou'vehadtorealizehisdreams.Whenyoudon't,it'sbettertoputthemasideandtomakeanotherlife."
Iwasattheabsolutesummitofmydreams.IwassinginginoneofthemostprestigiousvenuesinParis.Iwassellingmillionsof
records,andinafewweeks,Iwasgoingtomarrythemanofmylife.
hedayfollowingmylastshowattheOlympia,JeanJacquesGoldmansentmethedemoofasongcalled"Vole"(Fly).AsIlistenedtoit,
Iunderstoodwhyhehadn'twantedmetohearitafewhoursbeforegoingonstageattheOlympia.HeknewI'dbetoomoved.Inaway,
"Vole"isthesequeltothesong"Melanie,"whichEddyMarnayhadwrittenformeafewyearsearlier."Melanie"wasasongI'dsungfor
littleKarine.
"Vole"revivedthepainfulmemoryofKarine'sdeath.Andinsomeway,IfeelasIfmynieceisthepatronsaintofthisalbum.It'sas
ifsheweretheonewhoinspireditfrombeginningtoend.
I'vealwaysconsideredD'Euxtobemymostsuccessfulalbum,themostfullyrealizedfromeverypointofview.WithGoldman,I
rediscoveredthepleasureofsinginginFrench.Forsomereason,inEnglish,Ialmostalwayssingspontaneouslyinahigherkey,andI
loadthesingingwithmyowninventions,alotofornamentationandvolume.Notonlybecauseofthestructureofthesongsbutalso
becauseofthetextureofthesounds,andofcourse,becauseofthetastesoftheproducersandthepublic.Americansareveryfondof
ornamentationandvocalarabesques.InFrance,singingismuchmorecon
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tained,restrained,andpersonal.Thewordstakeonamuchgreaterimportance.
D'Eux is basically the story of Rene and me. "Pour que tu m'aimes encore," the first song I heard and the first one I recorded,
immediatelymademethinkof"L'Hymnea1'amour"(TheHymntoLove),afamoussongbyEdithPiaf.It'sthesametheme,same
structure,andsamewoman,onewhoisconsumedbylove.It'sahymntopassionate,possessed,possessive,andabsolutelovelikemy
love.Inrecord/ingit,weknewitwouldforeverbeapartofmylife.
"Ihaveafeelingyou'llbesingingthatsongforaverylongtime,"Renetoldme."Andsingingiteverywhereintheworld."
I actually have sung it everywhere I've gone in the world, from Seoul to Stockholm, while passing through Memphis, Dublin,
Munich,andEdmonton.AndIstillloveitasmuchasIalwayshave.
WhenwecamebacktoMontrealtogetmarried,wehadD'Euxoncassette,auniquetreasurethatwekeptforourselves,thatwelistened
toatthehouseorinRene'scar,aloneandquiteselfishly.Itoldfriends,reporters,andfellowmusicians,"Youknow,ReneandIhavethis
treasure,thisfabulousalbum."
ButSonyhaddecidednottoreleaseD'Euxforseveralmonthssoitwouldn'tinterferewiththestilllucrativemarketformyprevious
albums.ReneandIhadagreednottoletanyonehearit.Butitwasinsideus,inourhearts.Wecouldfeelitsvibrations,anditmadeus
happy.
Twodaysbeforeourmarriage,wespentafewhoursinMontCarmel,acloisterinMontreal, where we met with the priest who
wouldmarryus.ThenIwenttosleepatmyparents'house.IspentthefollowingdayinaspawithMamanandmyeightsisters,who
would be my livein companions. An army of masseuses, manicurists, waxing specialists, and polishers of every type busied
themselveswithus.
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Iknowitsnotverypopulartothinkthisway,butIbelievethatsometimesyouhavetosuffertobebeautiful.WhenIstartedwearing
mysisters'highheels,mycalves,heels,knees,andbackkilledme.
"Too bad," said my mother. "You can wear high heels all you want. But don't come complaining to me. It's your choice. Take
responsibilityforit."
Thedayofmywedding,Idefinitelyhadseveralgoodreasonstocomplain,butIwastooexcitedtodoso.Igotupatdawnwithmy
motherandmysisters.ItwassnowingMontrealwasgrayandicy.Ididmymakeupmyself.Thenlittlehandswereflutteringallaround
me,dressingmeanddoingmyhair.Myhairdresserhadtorackhisbrainsandevenaddafakechignonsothathecouldattachthepearl
riarathatMirellaGentilehadcreated.
"It'stooheavy.It'llhurtyourhead,"hesaid.
"Idon'tgiveadamn.Evenifyouhavetostickpinsinmyscalp,Iwanttowearthattiara.I'lldealwithit."
IknewIwouldn'treallybesatisfiedwiththiscelebrationunlessIgavethebestofmyself.Formetobehappyandsatisfied,I'vegot
toputalotofenergyintowhatIdo.That'showIam.Itrulybelievethatyougetnothingfromnothing.
OurweddingwasspectacularlikenothingeverbeforeseeninQuebec.Averyelegant,romanticdream.Thousandsweremassed
alongtherouteoftheconvoyoflimousinesthatlefttheHotelWestintogototheCathedralofNotreDameitwasaccompaniedbya
policeescortonmotorcycles.Abluecarpetbearingourintertwinedinitialsranupthestreetandacrossthechurchsquareandthenave,
rightuptothealtar,whereRenewaswaitingformesurroundedbyhisbestmen.Ienteredonmyfather'sarm,myeightsisterscarrying
mytrain.Itwasmagnificent,gorgeous,andthrilling.
AndIthought,asImovedtowardthealtarwhereIwouldbemarried,thesoundofthegreatorganinthebackground,ofthepathI'd
takensincethebirthofthatlove.I'dalwaysknownthatI'dstickwithittotheveryend,forbetterorforworse.
Forthereception,partsofthehotelhadbeentransformedtogivethegueststhefeelingofadream.Youwalkedoncarpetsmadeof
flowerpetals.Youenteredagallerywhosewalls,floor,andceilingwerepurewhite.Alsoimmaculatelywhitewerethelargecagesfilled
with fluttering, cooing doves.You passed through a salon that reminded you ofAladdin and A Thousand and One Nights and then
throughaParisianbistro,asushibar,aWildWestsaloon,andaSpanishtapasbar.Therewasafloodofchampagneandflowersevery
where.Magicians,musicians,astringquartetinoneroom,arockbandinanother.Andofcourseacasino,withblackjackandroulette
tables.Andeveryonewelovedwasthere.
Whentheguestsenteredthebanquethall,bouquetsofflowersfellslowlyfromastarryheaventogentlyrestatthecenterofeach
table.Mythirteenbrothersandsisterssurroundedmeandsang"Qu'elleestbellelavie"(HowBeautifulLifeIs)forme.
InQuebec,thiseventwastalkedaboutalot,before,during,andafterandineverytoneofvoice.CertainpeoplesaidIputtoomuch
intoit,thatIwasmakingadisplayofmywealth,andthatitseemedlikeavulgarmarketingevent.
ButI'dbeenalittlegirlfromCharlemagnewho'dbeenkeptfromsmilingattheworldbytwooverlongteeth.I'dcomealongway
andgonefar,carriedbymyvoice,bytheloveofmyfamily,byRene,andbytheQuebecoispublic.Toshowitandshareitwithothers
isn'tpublicity,it'sgratitude.
ReneandIweresupposedtotaketwo,maybethreemonthsoff,butbythattimeweknewthatwewerestressandpressurejunkies.
SobymidJanuary,IwasinLondontodopublicity.Despitethe
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enormouspleasureItookinbeingalonewithmyhusband,Icouldn'tignoretherequestofPaulBurger,whowasnowtheheadofSony
U.K.
ThealbumTheColourofMyLove,whichhadbeenasensationformorethanayear,eveninJapanandKorea,simplywasn'ttaking
offinBritain.
PaulhadtoldRenehecouldgetmeonthebiggestvarietyshowonBritishtelevision.TopofthePops.IfIwouldsing"ThinkTwice"
or"ThePowerofLove,"thealbummightstartclimbinginthecharts.
Renehadrefused,butheverycleverlytoldmeaboutit.Wewere,atthetime,inthekitchenmakingsupper.
"Paulcalled...Itoldhimthatitcouldn'thavehappenedataworserimebecausewe'dpromisedtotakerealvacations..."
Ithoughtforamoment,thentoldRenetocallhimback.Icouldtellfromhiseyesandhissmilethatthiswaswhathe'dexpectedme
tosay.Thatman,ReneAngelil,doeswhathewantswithme.Andmyfondestwishisthatitwillalwaysbethatway.BecauseIknow
thatmorethananythinghewantsmetobehappy.I'veneverdoubtedthat.
ButIrealized,afewweeksaftermywedding,thatIhadbecomeasambitiousashe,ifnotmore.Ihadnorealdesiretostopworking.
Bothofuswantedtogofarther,higher.Itwasafascinatingjourney.Theroadwasbeautifulandthescenerymagnificent.
EvenwhenwefinallytookahoneymoontriptotheFijiislands,nearlysixmonthsafterourmarriage,withPierreandCocoLacroix,
myprincipalactivity,inoneofthemostbeautifulvacationspotsonearth,wastosneeze,wipemynose,cough,andclearmythroat.I
couldhaveandshouldhavetakeniteasy,butIwasincapableofit.Itwasasif,forsomeinexplicablereason,restandrelaxationfilled
mewithanxiety.
Theysaytherearetwokindsofpeople:thosewholookback,who
alwaysfocusonthepast,whoarealwaysveryreflective,whoaskthemselvesaboutthemeaningoflife,whothinkaboutdeath,about
thepassageoftime.Andtherearethosewholookaheadandkeepmoving.Bynature,I'vealwaysbeenonewholooksaheadandnot
behindme.
OnthewaybackfromtheFijiislands,I stoppedatCalgary, in the middle of an immensely popular fair called Stampede. It was
dusty,nasty,irritating,andverylively.Allofasuddenmycoldwasgone.Irediscoveredmyenergy.Ilikedthepartyatmospherethat
dominatedStampede,andI'djusthadsomeverystimulatingencounters.
Mego,myorchestraleader,hadputtogetheranewbandthatwouldaccompanymeontour.TheguitaristAndreCoutu,who'dalready
been with us for two years, was joined by drummer Dominique Messier, bassist Marc Langis, and percussionist Paul Picard. Since
musicismyprofession,myrelationshipswithmusicianshavealwaysbeenverymemorable.InCalgary,thiswasevenmoretruethan
usual.
Eventhoughwe'dneverplayedtogether,weimmediatelydevelopedachemistry.Afterafewminutesofrehearsal,ateightinthe
morning,onanopenairstage,inthemidstofthechaosofStampede,wefoundourrhythm,ourbeat,andhadalotoffunaswell.All
sixofusknewwe'ddogreatthingstogether.
DavidFoster,who'dwatchedourmeetingandourfirstrehearsal,cameonstagetoaskthemusiciansiftheywantedtocometothe
studiothefollowingweekIwasgoingtorecordEricCarmen'shit"AllbyMyself."
ItwasattheRecordPlant,inLosAngeles.Thedaybefore,Davidtoldmehe'dchangedtheorchestrationsinthelastpartofthesong.
I'dhavetosingalittlehigher,actuallyuptoanF,whichisalmostatthelimitofmyrange.Butevenworse,hewantedmetoholdthat
note for several measures. In all honesty, I was dying from fear. I knew I couldn't do more than two takes without jeopardizing my
voice.Davidsawmyfear.
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"Ifyoucan'tmanagetodoit,it'snobigdeal,"Davidtoldme."We'lljustgobacktotheoriginalarrangement."
Allrightnowthatwasaninsult.Onthedayoftherecording,ReneandIhadanargument.Aboutnothing.Wealwayssquabbleover
insignificantthingsandthencan'trememberwhattheywere.Evenso,Isometimessulkforafewhours,sometimesforafewdays.
Rene,morerarely.Hedoesn'tliketobecoldtome.Andhealwaystriestocheermeup,tomakemelaugh.
Thatday,hewantedtosulkseriouslyanddidn'tgowithmetothestudio.SoIleftallalone,"allbymyself,"fortheRecordPlant,
whereIfoundDavidFostercold,condescending,andalmostcontemptuousandhedidn'tevenaskmewhyRenewasn'twithme.
I'd tried each key already and had done my voice and warmup exercises.While the technicians finished putting in the orchestra
tracks,Ipacedaroundthestudio.IthinkDavidpurposelydelayedstarting,asifhewantedtounsettlemeevenmore.Atonepointthe
brutecamenearmeandsaid,halfinearnestandhalfinjest:"Icantellyou'reworriedbutdon'tworryaboutthatfussovertheF.Ifyou
can'thandleit,Itoldyou,we'llfindasolution.IcanalwaysaskWhitneytodoit."
WhitneyHoustonwasrecordingthatdayintheadjoiningstudio.
"IknowshecanreachthatFandholditaslongasnecessary,"Davidmadeapointofadding.
Ididn'tsayaword.Iknewitwasakindofgame.AndIdecidedtoplayitalltheway.Iwentbackintothestudio.Isang"Allby
Myself"withallmystrength,allmysoul,andallmyrage.WhenitcametimetoclimbtothatfamousF,Ipushedmyvoicetothemaxi
mum,tothepointofhurtingit,andheldthenoteforaverylongtime.WhenIrecoveredfromthis,themusiciansontheothersideof
thebaywindowgotuptoapplaudme.
IleftwithoutsayinggoodbyetoDavidFoster.Withoutevenaskingthetechniciansifeverythingwasokayandwhetherornotwe
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Itwasatthisprecisemomentthatwecameintorealmoneyasyoucomeintoacountrywhereeverythingsuddenlybecomespossi
bleandwithinyourreach.Oneday,whenareporteraskedthetraditionalquestion"Whatkindofdressesdoyoulike?"Ispontaneously
responded,"Expensiveones."
Iwasactuallyteasing,becausenormally,Idressverysimply.Buttherewassometruthtomyanswer.Veryquickly,Ihaddevelopeda
tasteforbeautifulthings,whichmoreoftenthannotareexpensive.AndIalsodevelopedapassionforrealextravagances.Iwantedto
buildthehouseofmydreams,ahousethatresembledReneandme.I'dcallit"LaMaisonduBonheur"(TheHouseofHappiness).
Rene didn't liketheidea atall.Hewasperfectly happy with our house in Palm Beach. He wanted me to take up golf rather than
throwmyselfintoaprojectthatwoulddevourthelittlefreetimethatIhad.
"Whymove?It'sfinehere."
ButIwasalreadyoffandrunning.Assoonastheideaofanewhousehadbeenplantedinmymind,itjustkeptgrowingandgrow
ing.Andfinallyitoccupiedaverylargeplace,onemuchlargerthan
Iwouldhavebelieved.
DuringthatEuropeantour,Ibegancollectingpicturesfromarchitecturemagazinesandtakingagoodlookatthepalacesandhotels
where I stayed. I observed everything: the furniture, the doors, the molding, the table linens, the cutlery, and the windows. I added
thingsthatIthoughtwouldpleaseRene.Iknowhistastes.Orrather,theplacesthathelikes,likeCaesarsPalaceinLasVegas.Iwanted
himtohavetheambienceofthathotelinourfuturehouse.Ifiledmyobjectsawayaccordingtocategories:plumbingfixtures,tiles,
floors,drapes,doorhandles,bedspreads,andchandeliers.
Iwashappyandingoodshape.Ilovedmynew,allconsumingpassion.Ilovedmyshow,whichhadbeensowellstructuredand
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mounted.SoonIwasmeetingReneinParistoprepareatelevisedversionoftheshowI'dbedoingattheZenith,atheaterIadored.
Andyet,thefirstnightattheZenith,withoutfeelinganysign,withoutanypainasawarning,myvoicegaveoutandcompletelyfell
apart.Atotalvacuum.Iwascrying.Theentireteamwouldbewalkingatightropebecauseofme.Twoeveningslater,oursmallestmis
takecouldputeverythinginjeopardy.
When I'd lost my voice a few years earlier, I'd chalked it all up to inexperience and inadequate vocal techniques. Since then, I'd
trainedmyvocalcordslikeanathletetrainshismuscles.Veryseriouslyandveryregularly.EvenwhenIwassilentforadayortwo,I
thoughtofmyvocalcords,takingcareofthemandpamperingthem.Iregularlysawspecialistsandtrainers.Ifollowedtheiradviceto
theletter.
But this incident showed that even this wasn't doing enough. Outside factors could cause problems. It hadn't rained in Paris for
severalweeks,andtheairwasverydryandanywind,nomatterhowweak,causedcloudsofdusttoriseupfromthestreets.Absolutely
nothingisworseforvocalcords.Ishouldhaveknownthis.Actually,Ididknow.Ishouldn'thavegoneouttoeveryshopinthecity.This
iswhatwasbotheringme.Itwasmyfault,andIwasbeingpunished.
Noonepanicked.Intheend,everythingwentwellbysomemiracledoubtlesslybecausemyvocalcordswereingoodhealth.My
voicecamebackquickly.Iprayedandgavethanks.AndIsworetomyselfthatitwouldneverhappenagain.
ButIwasgoingtohavetolivemorethaneverasarecluse,farfromtheworld,oftenveryalone.Itdidn'tfrightenmeatallbecauseI
hadRene,myhouseproject,andmymusic.
Atthebeginningofsummerin1997,IdidmytourofthegreatstagesofEurope,eightshowsinsevencities:
Dublin,twoshowsinLondon,thenAmsterdam,Copenhagen,Brussels,Berlin,andZurich.Thiswasactuallythelastsegmentofthe
FallingintoYoutour,whichhadbeguninearly1996.
Thisjourney,whichatthestartwassupposedtolastsixmonths,wasreorganizedandextendedseveraltimes.Finally,itwasending
inZurich,morethanayearandahalfafteritspremiereattheotherendoftheworld,inAustralia.
Thisverylongtour,whichfrombeginningtoendhadbeenfullofunforeseenoccurrences,wasamongmyhappiestmemories.We
lived through highs and lows, we endured several heavy dramas, but also and more extraordinary than anything else, there were
unforgettablemoments.Everyoneonthattourlearnedalotandgrewalot.
Forme,thetourwasalsothestoryofahealing.Itwasaboutcertainimportantdiscoveriestoo,whichwouldchangemylife.Atthe
beginning,inAustralia,intheeasternUnitedStates,andinwesternCanada,Isanginarenasthatheldfifteentotwentythousandpeople.
Ialsoperformedtoaudiencesoftwentytofortythousandinthoselargeopenairamphitheatersthatyounowseejustabouteverywhere
inthesouth,themidwest,andthewest.Finally,thereweretheofferstobringthetourtothegreatstagesofEurope,whichholdfortyto
sixtythousandspectators.Somehow,itjustgotbiggerandbigger.Thetroupethatwentwithmenumberedaboutfortypeoplewhenwe
beganmusicians,technicians,publicrelationspeoplebutweexpandedtomorethanahundredwhenwearrivedatthegrandfinalein
thesummerof1997inEurope.
Ontheroad,wehadtokeepadaptingthestage,sound,lighting,andallthetechnicalequipment.Andtoacertainextent,theshow
itselfhadtoevolve.Duringthistime,Ihadtopreparespecialevents,suchasthesongIsangattheopeningceremonyoftheOlympics
inAtlanta,andperformancesattheOscars,theGrammies,theFrenchpopmusicawardsshow,theAdisqgalainCanada,andtheWorld
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MusicAwards.Whileallthiswasgoingon,IwaspreparinganotheralbuminEnglish,threeorfourvideos,appearancesonTVspecials,
promotionalworkeverywhere,andinterviewswithoutend,someprivateshowsinLasVegasandAtlanticCity,ashowfortheSultanof
Brunei,andtheannualfundraiserfortheCysticFibrosisAssociation,heldinMontrealjustbeforetheholidays.
UntiltheOlympicGamesinAtlanta,everythingwentalongsmoothly.Butthatday,wewereallexcessivelynervous.Asusual,I'd
chosentoignore,deny,andhidemyfearfromeverybodyespeciallymyself.IfIhadletitshow,itcouldhavecrushedme.
IoverheardRenetellhisfriendsonthephonethatIwasingreatshape,thatIwasn'tafraidofanything.Thiswasn'treallytrue.Iwas
actuallyterriblyafraidofgoingonstageinagiganticstadiuminfrontofhundredsoftelevisioncamerasfromaroundtheworld.It'slike
aleapintotheunknown.Andthemorepeopleandeyesandcamerasthereare,thegreaterandmoreterrifyingthisunknownbecomes.
Thestadiumwasfulltoburstingwitheightyfivethousandpeople,evenduringtherehearsalandthesoundtest.Onthetelephone,
mymothersaidshedidn'twanttocomebecauseshefelttoomuchstagefrightandwouldwatchmeontelevision.Thatcertainlydidn't
dispelmyfearsorlessenthepressure.
There was a lot of music inAtlanta and some magnificent voices. The chorus that was accompanying me was one of the most
beautiful I'd ever heard. Georgia is gospelmusic country, the country of Martin Luther King Jr. and his famous "I Have a Dream"
speech.SoitwasnotbychancethatthesongDavidFosterwrotefortheoccasiontookupthissamethemeinitsverytitle"ThePower
oftheDream."
WhenIperformedit,earlyonintheevening,duringtheopening
ceremonies,IknewIwassingingtothelargestaudienceeverassembled.I'dbeentoldthatfourbillionpeoplewerewatchingthrough
outtheworld.
AssoonasIbegantosing,mystagefrightwentaway,andIfeltgood.Forseveraldays,Ilivedintheeuphoricaftermathofthat
incredibleexperience.ButIalsofeltenormousfatigueandmomentswhenIfeltIcouldn'tcatchmybreath.Iwaspunchy,likeaboxer,
evenwhenhewinsahardfight.
TwoorthreeweeksaftertheOlympicsperformance,Ibegantofeelthefirstsymptomsofanillnessthatwouldtakeovermybody
andmindforseveralmonths.I'dthoughtitwouldgoawayafterafewdays.Ihadn'tspokenaboutittoanyone.ButoneeveninginLas
Vegas,Ibegantoreallygetworried.
AtCaesarsPalace,IwassingingaverybeautifulsongbyJacquesBrel,"Quandonn'aque1'amour"(WhenLove'sAllYouHave).
RadioCanadawasplanningtoincludethissonginaspectacularafewdayslaterattheMolsonCenterofMontrealonbehalfofthevic
timsofSaguenay.Afewweeksearlier,attheexactmomentwhenIwassinging"ThePoweroftheDream"inAtlanta,thatentireregion
ofQuebecwasliterallydrownedinadownpour.Theriversandlakeshadoverflowed,damshadburst,bridges,roads,entirestreetsof
houseshadbeencarriedaway.QuebecandCanadahadmobilizedtocometotheaidofthevictims.
I'dpreparedashortspeechtoreadaftermysongattheMolsonCenterandtotheTVviewersofRadioCanada.ButasIsang,Ifeltan
enormousweight,likeanironhandpressingonmyheart.Myvoicebegantoquaver.Imanagedtofinishmysong,butIhadtocutshort
myspeech,outoffearthatI'dburstintotears.
Iwasmoved,ofcourse,butmostofall,Iwasexhausted.IrealizedthatthebadfeelingI'dbeenexperiencingforsometime,onlyat
night,hadcometoharassmeonstage,infulldaylight.Itoldmyselfthatitwouldprobablybehereforagoodwhile.
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Thefollowingweek,inDenver,itwasworsethaninLasVegas.Standing,Iwasconstantlyinafog,andIwaspracticallyincapable
of swallowing anything. I stayed away from restaurants.The slightest odor of cooking nauseated me.As soon as I lay down, I had
gastricrefluxandnausea.IfImanagedtosleep,Ihadhorriblenightmares.I'moneofthosepeoplewhohaverecurrentdreams,seeing
thesamesequenceoverandover.
Almost every night, I dreamed I'd swallowed a big, hard, cold apple that had gotten stuck at the back of my throat. I'd wake up
terrified.SometimesI'dgoforhourswithoutsleepingbecauseofthesensationofthatappleinmythroat.Idon'tthinkI'deverfeltso
vulnerableandsohelpless.Iwasn'teatinganythingexceptcrackersandsugarwater.SoonIknewIwouldn'thavetheenergytogivea
goodshow.
Onemorning,inSanFrancisco,thingssuddenlygotworse.SuzanneandManoncalledRene,whowastheninaclinicsomewhere
inArizonatryingtocurehisbadeatinghabits.HeimmediatelycanceledandpostponedthethreeorfourshowsIwassupposedtogive
inthenextfewdaysontheWestCoast.AndIwentintoahospital.
Thethreedoctorswhosawmedidn'tneedmuchtimetodiscoverwhatthetroublewas:overworkandstress.Theysaidthemedicine
theyprescribedwouldhavenoeffectifIdidn'tgetsomerest.
Sowhatdoesagirldowhenshefeelsdoneinandwhenshereallyneedstorest?Well,thisonecallshermama.
"Maman,Maman,yourlittlegirlneedsyou."
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MmothercametoFloridatotakecareofme.Shewasn'tworried,butshewasdetermined.Foraboutamonthshewasgoingtowatch
overmelikeashewolf.Ifoundoutlaterthatshewasinflexible.NoonecouldbothermewhenIwas
resting,aneventthatlastedbetweentwelveandfifteenhoursaday.EvenRenedidn'thavetherighttotalkaboutworkwithmeduring
thistime.Notawordabouttheinterruptedtour,thepostponedprojects,theFrenchandEnglishalbumsthatwereintheworks.
Mamantuckedmeinatnight,tookmewalkingaftermyafternoonnap,andmademebroths,herbalteas,andfruitsalads.
Thetwoofuswerealoneforhoursandfordays.EvenPapawentoutwithhisfriendssowecouldbealone.Thenshe'dtalktome
aboutherchildhood,whichIdidn'tknowmuchabout.Andshe'dtellmeaboutmine,storiesI'dheardahundredtimes,butthatIlovedto
hearagainandagain.Iguessallchildrenarelikethat.
I'mnotthetypetodwellonoldmemories,butI'vealwaysenjoyedhearingthestoryofmybirthandmychildhood.Ilikemymother
todescribetheangershefeltatmyfatherwhenshediscoveredshewaspregnant.Howshethenfellheadoverheelsinlovewithmethe
momentthenurseputmeinherarms.
She'dhadacompletelydifferentlifethanmine.ShewasbornonMarch20,1927,inalittlefishingvillagesituatedonthenorthcoast
oftheGaspepeninsula.Herfatherwasthesacristanandthechoirdirectoratthechurch.Hemanagedtogetpermissiontosettleonsome
landdeepingovernmentterritory,afullday'swalkfromthesea.Withhissons,hecarvedoutaroad,andbuiltalogcabin,acowshed,
andawoodshed.Duringthefirstsnowsoftheyear,hecametogettherestofthefamily.
Inahorsedrawncarriagetheytieddownbundlesofclothes,curtains,blankets,andsheets,somefurniture,barrelsofdriedfish,salt
pork,molasses,flour,andtea.Sixchickensinacage.Acowfollowedalongbehind.
MymotherwasalittlegirlshesatunderthefurswithhersistersJeanne,Annette,andJacqueline.Andshewasfilledwithwonder.
"Iwasfive.Itwasthemostbeautifultripofmylife."
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Tohearherspeakaboutherchildhood,abouttheforestandskyoftheGaspepeninsula,abouttheverypeacefullifethepeoplelead
there,ofthemusicherfatherandherbrothersmade,otherfirstviolinallthissoothedandrelaxedme,mademeforgetmytrouble.She
hadhadahappychildhoodandyouth,whichprovesthatitisn'tmaterialcomfortandrichesthatcreatehappiness,butwhatcomesfrom
insideyou.
By the end ofSeptember,whenIleftforEurope, Iwas already much better. I still felt that bruise inside, but I was stronger. My
appetitehadcomeback.Littlebylittlethepainbegantoleaveme,andnolongercametotormentmewhenIwassinging.AnytimeI
wasonstageoratatelevisionstudio,Ifeltperfectlyfine.ButassoonasIwalkedoffstage,itwastherewaitingforme.Still,thepain
wasn'ttoobad,andIwasabletoforgetitforlongperiods.
Ispoketomymothereveryday,thenIpassedhertoManon,Suzanne,andRene,who,underherorders,pamperedme,preparedme
herbalteasandbroth,vegetablesaladsandfruitsalads,andmademerestwheneverIneededto.
And then one day, on a plane that was flying us across the sky from Europe, I suddenly turned toward Suzanne and Manon,
extremely excited, and signaled to them (it was one of my days of silence) that the pain had left, without a trace. I'd even stopped
thinkingaboutitaltogetherforseveraldays,perhapsevenaweek.Isleptwell,atewell,sangwell.
Iwashealed.Ihadforgottenmytroubleandithadleftme.IthoughtaboutwhatmyfatherusedtosaywhenIwaslittleandIwentto
showhimabooboothatI'dgotten:"Don'tthinkaboutitanymore,mylittlegirl,anditwon'thurtanymore."
When I was young, I thought that was how hurts went away. But now I know you forget your hurt when it causes itself to be
forgotten.Notbefore.Whenit'sinus,wethinkofitnonstop,whetherwe
wanttoornot.Thereasonwestopthinkingaboutitissimplybecauseit'sgone.
Afewdayslater,inStockholm,Iwillinglyputmyselfthroughthegreattest.I,whodrinkpracticallynoalcohol,parriedwiththe
musicians,aterich,spicyfood,thenwewenttoabaranddrankalotoftequila.Ididn'tfeelsickthatevening,oreventhefollowing
morning.ItookthisasasignthatIwascuredandhappy.
Thetourwentlikeahouseonfire,wereturnedtoAmerica,thentookoffforAsiainthewinterbeforereturningtoEurope.Itwas
June,anditwascoldandraininginsheetsalmosteverydayfromoneendofthecontinenttotheother.Butwhereverwewent,two
hoursbeforetheshow,therainstopped.Thesuncameouttodryandwarmthingsup.Becauseofthat,anddoubtlesslyforallsortsof
otherreasons,wewereallinastateofeuphoriaandgreatexcitement.
HeldbackbysomebusinessinQuebecandtheUnitedStates,Renedidn'tgowithustoAustralia,Japan,Korea,orBrunei.Buthe
joinedusforthetouroftheEuropeanstages.Idon'tthinkwe'deverbeensohappy.I'mnotspeakingonlyabouthimandme,butabout
our entire entouragethe musicians, the technicians, and the hundred or so people who then constituted our wandering tribe. The
atmospherewasfantastic.
Weknewthatwewereattheendofthatlongtour,thatsoonwe'dbegoinghometoseefamiliarfacesandplaces.Despitetherain
andthecold,thelongtripendedbeautifully.Thestadiumswerefilledwithwonderful,warm,happyaudiences.Everywhereitfeltlikea
party.
RenetoldaFrenchjournalistwho'dcometomeetusinAmsterdamthatthedreamheandIhadcreatedhadsurpassedusforthefirst
timeandwasnowmovingfasterthanwewere.Itwasmoreextravagantthanus,andmoremarvelousthananythingwe'dimagined.No
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longerdidweneedtostruggleforourdreamnowwewerebeingcarriedalongbyit.
Hehadn'tenvisionedthattouroftheEuropeanstagesinhiswildestfantasies.AndneitherhadI,obviously.Someyoungproducers
fromBelgiumandHollandhadurgedRenetoaddthisfinallegtothetour.Andaccordingtohim,itmarkedaturningpointinourlife,
inmycareer.
Inthepast,I'dseenMadonna,WhitneyHouston,orTinaTurnerperformonthegreatstagesthroughouttheworld.Ihadenviedthem
forbeingsobig.AndnowhereIwasinthesameplace.Inthatveryselectclubthatthemediahavenowdubbedthe"divasofpop."I
wastravelinginaprivateplane.Ilivedinthemostmagnificentluxuryhotels.Wewereatthetop.
"Whatwillwedonow?Wherewillwego?"
Inolongerhadtheslightestidea.ImerelyhadapremonitionthatonedayIwouldreallyneedtostop.Totakeitallin.Tocastaneye
ontheroadwehadtraveled.Tofinallygetthehouseofmydreamsbuilt.Butwhilewaitingforthatrime,Iwasexhilaratedbythespeed
andtheenormousaudiences.
Renehasalwayslovedalifeofconstantcelebration,andIdotoo
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itrunsinmyfamily.ButIloveplayingtheclownmorethanhedoes,evenwhenwe'realonetogether.Ifsomeonefrommyfamilyis
thereMichel,Dada,Ghislaine,Manon,orClaudettewecanspendhoursimprovisingcompletelyabsurdsketches.Renedoesn'treally
joinin,buthe'sagoodaudience.
Beforeabigshow,wheneverybodyisdyingofstagefright,ManonandIoftenfindatrickthatwillsetofftorrentsoflaughter.In
Atlanta,afewminutesbeforeIwentonstage,IwasremindedoftheshowIdidtenyearsearlierinQuebecwhenthemayfliesflewinto
mymouthandslidupmyskirt.Atanyothertime,weprobablywouldn'thavethoughtthatthiswasveryfunny.Buteveryonewasso
tenseinthedressingroomthatjustimaginingmespittingoutmayflywingssentbothofusintowildlaughterthatlastedrightuptothe
momentwhentheycametotellus:"MissDion,twominutes."
Every day, we need to take a dose of laughter.And on tour, Rene manages to find moments here and there when we can all be
together.Hebelievesthatsocializingisnecessaryandfun.It'sabondthatstrengthensus.
Ondaysbeforeoneofmysilentdays,heorganizespartiesforus,eitherinarestaurantorhotelsuite,orsuchplacesasamountain
chaletnearZurichorabargethatherentsforthefifteenorsopeoplewhoconstitutewhatwecallourentourage.Andwespendthe
eveningontheSeine,intheharboratAmsterdam,orinthebayinHongKong.
Everyonewillbethere:Suzanne,mytourdirectormysisterManon,myconfidanteandhairdressermybodyguardEricRene'sfour
orfive"rightarms"peopleresponsiblefororganizingthetour
somefriendsfromthepresssometimespeoplefromSony,ourrecordcompany,orpeoplefromthelocalproductioncompany.
Apartfromshopping,IhavefewdiversionswhenI'mtouring.Onmydaysofsilence,Isometimesspendhourslookingatfashion
magazines.I'dtearoutpagesandfaxthemtoAnnieHorth,mystylist,whoissometimesinspiredbythemtomakecostumesformy
shows.
Forme,fashionhasbecomeaworldalmostasvastandexcitingasmusic.Everyoneofussingshisownlittlesongoffashionevery
day.Someofusareoffkeyandothershaveperfectpitch,butlikeitornot,fashionleavesitsmarkonusall.
Forfourorfiveyears,AnnieHorthhasbeenmymentor,mypartner,andmycompanioninthisdomain.Sheseesalltheshows,all
thecollections,andsheknowseveryone.ShehasaccesstoallthegreatcouturiersofEuropeandAmerica,andalwaysknowswhat
they'llbe
[249]
showingtomorrowandthedayafter.Mostofall,sheknowswhatIlikeandwhatsuitsme.Fromtimetotime,shegetsintouchwith
me.AndshecomestoAmsterdam,LosAngeles,orChicagowithatonofclothesshe'spulledfromthelatestcollectionsofahalfdozen
ofthegreatcouturiers.Wespendhourstogetherlookingatthem,tryingthemon,anddiscussingthem.
Often,especiallyduringthelasttwobigtours,friendsfromQuebechavecometospendafewdayswithus.Amongthem,ofcourse,
areRene'sgolfpartnersMarc,Paul,andGuy.Andsometimes,especiallyinParis,NewYork,Florida,andLasVegas,myparentsjoin
us.WealsoloveseeingAnneMarie,Rene'sdarlingdaughter.AndJeanPierretoo,whostayswithusforafewdays,andseeshisfather,
his sister, and his elder brother Patrick, who works with us as a production assistant. We make a happy tribe, and Rene, the Grand
Organizer,isresponsibleforentertainingandfeedingus.
ForRene,amealisaceremony,awayofgettingeverybodytogetherandcreatinglinksamongallofus.Helikestoeat.Everything.
Andmuchtoomuchtothepointthatsometimesitbecomesdangerousforhishealth.Butit'sjustlikehisgambling.Oncehe'sstarted,he
findsitverydifficulttostop,evenifheknowsthatlaterhe'llregretit.
AfterhisheartattackinLosAngeles,Igotintothehabitofkeepinganeyeonhim.Nowit'sbecomeagamebetweenus.He'sthe
mouseandI'mthecat.Iwatchhimtryallkindsofwaystoescapemywatch,andIseehimlookingforotherbigeaterstohangoutwith.
It'snotsurprisingthatheandLucianoPavarottibecamefastfriends.AfewdaysaftertherecordingheandIdidtogether "ILove
You,ThenIHateYou"formyLet'sTalkAboutLovealbum,LucianoinvitedustodinnerathisNewYorkapartment.Hehadprepared
theantipasto,thepasta,andthevealdish.Betweenhimand
Rene, it was a veritable banquet. They discussed eating for hours. Pavarotti travels with his olive oil, his cheeses, and his wines.
Whetherhe'sinNewYork,inModena,orinRome,hedoeshisownshopping,choosingthewinesandfruits.Renewasimpressed.
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IrememberhowsurprisedPavarottiwaswhenRenetoldhim,afteraglassortwoofwine,thathepreferredtodrinkCoke.Rene
doesn'tlikewine,beeralcoholofanykind.
Hisdoctorrecommendedthathedrinkaglassofredwinefromtimetotime.Hedoesthis,butintheafternoonratherthanatnight.
Hedrinkshiswineasifitweremedicine.Then,whetherhe'sinaChineserestaurant,aFrenchbistro,oraNewYorkdeli,heordersa
dietCoke.Ortwo.Withalotofice.
MyrelationshipwithReneonthesubjectofhisovereatingisveryambiguous.Ifindhimabitontheplumpside,buthandsome.He
carrieshisgirthwell.Idothinkheeatstoomuch,butIamtouchedbythepleasurehetakesindoingit.Ialwaysfinditverydifficultto
deprivethemanIloveofthispleasure.JustasIdon'tliketearinghimawayfromthegamblingtables.
Personally,Inevereattoomuch.It'snotdifficultforme:OnceI'mnolongerhungry,eatinggivesmenomorepleasure.
ArticlesaboutmehaveoftenclaimedthatI'manorexicandthatInourishmyselfondeadleaves,tofu,grains,andseeds.Sometimes
thisreallyirritatesme.Whowantstohearthemselvesdescribedas"amanicdepressive,psychoticwoman"asIhavebeendescribedin
certainmedia.
I'veneverunderstoodthepathologicalneedthatsomemediaoutfitshavetoinventunbelievablestoriesaboutstarsofshowbusiness,
sports,andpolitics.Itseemstomethatapersonsrealstoryisinfinitelymoreinterestingthanunfoundedrumorsorobviouslies.Idon't
thinkthatanorexiaisashamefulillness,butIdetestbeingsurroundedbyfalserumors.What'smore,evenifIdon'tclaimtobeabeauty
queen,Ihavebeenandalwayswillbeproudofmybody.
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Myworkrequiresmetobeingreatphysicalshape.Iwouldn'thavebeenabletogiveuptoahundredshowsayearandtravelcease
lesslyfromoneendoftheworldtotheotherifIhadeatentoomuchornotenough,orif,ascertainmagazineshaveclaimed,Imade
myselfthrowupaftereachmeal.SometimesI'vehadtoeatenoughfortwopeople,especiallyneartheendofthefallingintoYoutour.
AsfragileasIhadfeltatthebeginning,that'showsturdyandinshapeIfeltattheend.
IhandedoverallthephotosandarticlesI'dpulledoutofarchitectureanddecoratingmagazinestoPaulSaraswife,JohanneDastou,my
advisorandguruondecorating.ShespentmostofthewintersortingthroughthemandcollatingthenotesI'dmadeonthem.
"Ilovethischair,butnotthelionheadsonthearmrests,"or,"Ilikethelightinthislivingroom,butdefinitelynotthecurtains,"or,
"I'dliketohavestatueslikethisinmygarden,butwithoutthestupidlookontheirfaces."
Little by little, Johanne brought furniture and various objects she had found, and we spent hours examining and touching them. I
learnedtoidentifyperiodstyles,todistinguishtherealfromthefake,thebeautifulfromthebanal.Iwasinschool,andIlovedit.
Throughthiswork,Igottoknowmyselfandmytastesalittlebetter.Iloveveryromanticdecor,rococo,thestyleofLouisXV.Ineed
acozyatmosphere,warmcolors,andoldfurniture.IthinkyouhavetorespectyourtastesIwanttoliveinhousesthatresembleme.
SometimesIaskJohannewhatshethinksofmychoices.Herresponsemaysoundfunny,butIknowwhatshemeans.Shereminds
methatIlikesugarydesserts.Inotherwords,mytasteleanstowardbusydecorthatisveryheavyandenveloping'yetalsosoft.
"You'rethecocoontype,"shetoldme."Notverymodern."
ModernI'llgetthereoneday,butnotinahousewhereI'mgoingtolive.IfIhadanapartmentinNewYorksomeplace where I
spendonlyafewdayswhileI'mrecordinganalbum,shootingavideo,orjustshoppingI'dmakeitasmodernasIcould.Butformy
realhome,thislookcreatesacoldandnotverycomfortableenvironment.
Ialsodon'tlikehavingfunctionalobjectssittingoutwhereeveryonecanseethem.Atmyplace,thetelevisionsarealwayshidden
incabinets,behindpanelsorapainting.Iknowthekitchenisaworkplace,butIdon'twantpotsandpansandutensilshangingevery
where.Norefrigeratorswithtransparentdoorsthatletyouseeeverythingthat'sinside.
IhavetosaythatmyhouseprojectseemedtoannoyRenetonoend.HelikedourhomeinPalmBeachandcouldhavestayedthere
contentedly for our entire life. What is more, the preceding fall, he'd bought an immense golf course, the Mirage, in the Basse
Laurentides,ahalfhourfromdowntownMontreal.He'dalreadybegunsomemajorrenovationsofit.Hewastalkingaboutbuildinga
housetheretoliveinduringouroldage.Butunlikeme,hedidn'tgetseriouslyinvolvedintheseprojects.
Whenitcametoshowbusiness,Renewasalwaysincontrolandwantedtocheckouteverything.Butnothinginterestedhimless
thanaconstructionsite.Hedidn'tunderstandwhyIwantedtoinvolvemyselfinsuchcraziness.
ButdespiteRene'slackofinterest,weboughtalargelotinJupiter,northofPalmBeach,alongacanalthatflowedintotheocean.
Therewasnothingtherebutgrassesandscrub.Oneithersideofittherewasalargehouse,andbehinditwasadockwhereasixtyfoot
yachtwasmoored.
JohanneassembledateamofarchitectsanddraftsmenwhobegandrawingupplansbasedonthedocumentsI'dcollected.Andatthe
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beginningofsummer,whenwereturnedtoMontreal,Irealizedthatmyworkwasfinished.JohanneandherarchitectswereJuststarting
theirs.AllIhadtodowaswait.Tokeepmymindoffthehouse,Ibegantakinggolflessons.
Aftermynexttour,Istartedplayinggolfquiteseriously,I'dsayalmostexcessively,whethertheweatherwasgoodorbad.
Rene considered this a personal victory. For years, he'd been trying to get me to take up golf, which for him was practically a
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religion.
"Golfwasmadeforyou.Youhaveeverythingittakes.You'retallandflexible,youhavegreatpowersofconcentration,alotofdisci
pline.What'smore,it'sacleansport.Youspendyourtimeonwellmaintainedlawns,there'ssun,water,andeverythingyoulike."
It'simportanttoRenethatsomeonehelikes,likeswhathelikes.He'salwaystryingtoturnhisclosefriendsontoLebanesecuisine,
gambling,golf,Elvis,Sinatra,Piaf...and,ofcourse,toCelineDion!
Havingbeenwithhimforsolong,IwasmarkedbythespiritofgolflongbeforeIeverpickedupaclub.IenteredthatworldasifI
werereturninghomeafteraverylongabsence.Evenso,Ineverthoughtitwouldbecomeagrandpassionandchangemylife.
Golfismorethanasport.It'sawayofliving,adisciplinerequiringdeterminationandrigor.It'saconstantsearchforperfection,bal
ance, and a kind of meditation on happiness.Above all, it's a study of the self. It's very much like singing, music, like all art or all
activitiesthatarepracticedwithseriousnessandpassion.
Ilikethefactthatthegamehasastrictorderandaverypowerfulritual,abodyofrulesthateachplayermustrespect....Iknownext
tonothingaboutreligions,butgolffeelsveryclosetowhatIknowaboutZen.Itisfirstofallawayofmeditationandconcentrationas
wellasastudyofbeauty.Thebeautyofplaces,butalsothebeautyandharmonyofitsmovementsandthestateofminditrequires.
Allofusmustlearntomasterandcontrolouremotions,gestures,andstrength.That'swhatgamesareabout.Youhavetolearnto
reachacompromisewiththewind,thevariationsoftheground,andthesun.Butyoumustalsocometotermswithyourownmoods
andworries,andmakesomethingharmoniousoutofthem.
Byautumn,whenIleftforNewYorkandLosAngelestorecordthesongsformy Let'sTalkAboutLovealbum,Ihadturnedintoa
golffanatic.Renehadscheduledtherecordingsessionssothatwecouldspendatleastonedayoutoftwoonthegolfcourse.Butafter
justaweekofwork,musicagaingainedtheupperhand.Thesingerchasedawaythegolfer,promisingherwe'dseeeachotheragain
soon.Istayedatthehotelalonetoavoidtheheatandcoldandthepollenladenair.Aboveall,Ihadtodomyvoiceexercises,keep
silent,rehearse,andlearnmysongsonebyone.
Ilovetheatmosphereofthestudios,thistimemorethaneverbecauseIwasgoingtohavesomefascinatingencounters.CaroleKing
gavemeasongSirGeorgeMartin,themanwhocreatedthesoundoftheBeatles,wasservingasdirectorforthesong"TheReason."
TheBeeGeescametosing"Immortality"withme.AsIsaidearlier,IsangaduetwithLucianoPavarotti.
I'd always dreamed of singing with Barbra Streisand, but I'd also always been afraid to. She'd been one of my idols, and it's
dangeroustogettooclosetoyouridols.Ittakespracticallynothingtodestroyyourimageofthem.Andjustaslittletocrushyou.
Theideaofourcollaborationbegantheyearbefore,duringtheOscars.I'dsung"IFinallyFoundSomeone."ThiswasasongBarbra
hadrecorded,alongwithBrianAdams,forafilmshe'ddirected,produced,andstarredin,TheMirrorHasTwoFaces.
Actually,NatalieColewassupposedtoperformthesongfortheshow,butabadcoldhadkeptherinMontreal.Twentyfourhours
beforetheshow,I'dbeenaskedtoreplaceher.IsangBarbra'ssongin
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additiontomyown"BecauseYouLovedMe,"fromthefilmUpCloseandPersonal.Noonehadeverperformedtwoofthenominated
songsattheawardsbefore.
Renewasthrilled.Nothingismoreexciting,especiallyinshowbusiness,thandoingwhatnooneelseeverhas.Butpreparinganew
songintwentyfourhours,singingtwiceattheOscars,anddoingitinfrontofBarbraStreisandwasterrifying.
Itturnedout,however,thatStreisandwasn'tintheauditoriumwhenIsanghersong.Duringacommercialbreak,she'dgonetothe
ladies'roomandhadfoundthatthedoorswerelockedwhensheattemptedtoreturntoherseatnoone'sallowedtoentertheaudito
riumwhiletheshowisinprogress.Renewasreallydisappointed.Iwasupset,ofcourse,butnottothepointofruiningthegreatplea
sureI'djustexperienced.
ThemediatriedtomakeastoryoutofBarbrasnubbingmeforsinginghersong.Butitabsolutelywasn'ttrue.
Twodayslater,IreceivedanenormousbouquetofflowerswithanoteinBarbra'shand.Shesaidthatshe'dseentherecordingofthe
show,andthoughtI'dsung"beautifully,"thatIwasan"incrediblesinger,"andthatshewassorryshewasn'tintheroom."Nexttime,
let'sdoonetogether,"shewrote.
Renekepthernoteinhiswalletformonths.Everytimehehadachance,hereadittofriendsandjournalists.Hequicklycontacted
MartyErlichman,Barbra'sagent,andaskedDavidFostertowriteasongforus.ThenhewaitedforasignfromStreisandorheragent.
DavidFosterwastheonewhofinallycreatedthelinkbetweenthetwoofusbyproposingasonghe'dwrittencalled"TellHim,"
aboutanolderwomangivingromanticadvicetoayoungerone.
BarbrasangherpartinLosAngeles,andafewdayslaterinNewYork,Iaddedmyvoicetohers.Oneevening,afterthearrangers
andtechnicianshadmixedthesong,welistenedtoittogether,Barbraat
the Record Plant in LosAngeles, and I at the Hit Factory in NewYork.When it was over, silence fell over the studio.We all were
watchingthetelephone,whichtookaneternitytoring.Davidansweredit.
"It'sforyou,Celine."
ItwasBarbracallingtosayhowmuchshelikedmyinterpretation.
"You'vesucceededindoingmarvelousthingswithyourvoice.Howdidyoumanagetoblendsowellwiththemusicandwithmy
voice?"
I didn't dare tell her I'd sung with her hundreds and hundreds of times before in my bedroom on the rue NotreDame in Charle
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magne.IjustsaidI'dbeenworkinghardandItrainedlikeanathlete.
"You'llhavetoteachme,"shesaid.
"Teachyouwhat?"
"Tohavediscipline."
"Butthere'snothingIcanteachyou,you'rethegreatestsingerintheworld."
"Wecanalllearnfromeachother.Butyoulearnmorequicklythanallofusbecauseyouhaveafantasticvoiceandagreatspirit.I'm
reallyproudofyou."
I was paralyzed. She was so selfassured, she said such lovely things to me and so simply. I wish I'd been able to tell her how
importantshe'dbeeninmylife,andhowthrillingithadfelttoblendmyvoicewithhers.Itwasasifourvoices,afterhavingsought
eachotherforsuchalongtime,hadfinallyfoundeachother.ButItoldmyselfthatBarbramusthaveknownshewasarolemodelfor
meandthatI'dlearnedatotfromher.Youcanhearitinmyvoice.
WhenIcouldn'tspeakonthephone,Ibegantocry.
Rene,whowasalsoverymoved,tookthetelephone.
"ForCeline,you'vealwaysbeenarolemodelandanidol.She'sverytouchedbywhatyoujusttoldher."
[257]
"Iknow,"saidBarbra."IfeltthesamethingthefirsttimeIsangwithJudyGarland."
Sheinsistedontalkingtomeagain.
"Iwanttoknowyoubetter.ComeseemeinMalibuassoonasyoucan.Tomorrow,ifyouwant."
ButthenextdayIwasrecording"ILoveYou,ThenIHateYou"withLucianoPavarotti.
IaskedherifIcouldcomeonTuesday.
"Tuesday'sfine.I'llshowyoumyrosegarden.We'lltakeawalkonthebeach."
Tobeinvitedtodinewithyouridolandtobeembracedbyherisagreatmomentofhappiness.However,actuallygettingtoknow
youridolcanbenerveracking.ButthedayIspentwithBarbracouldn'thavebeenmorewonderful.Istillfeltveryshyaroundher,but
shecouldn'thavebeenmorelovelyandgenerous.Ihopewewillalwaysknoweachanother.
WorkingwithPavarottiwaslikeenteringacompletelydifferentworldforme.Hetooisimposing.Andhelikestomakehispresence
felt.ButIfoundnothingintimidatingabouthim.Oursessionswereveryrelaxedeventhoughwehadtogropearoundforalongtimeto
findtherighttone.
Pavarottisanghispart,andthenIdidmine.Theresultwascorrectbutnotverysurprising,soweswitcheditaround.Isangandhe
addedhisvoicetomine.Samething.Itwasgood,butnotgreat.
Finally,IsaidwhatI'dbeenthinkingallalong:"I'dliketotryittogether."
"Iwasthinkingthattoo,"Lucianosaid.
Hetookmebythehandwewentintothebigstudioandsangwhilelookingintoeachother'seyes.Thischangedeverythingandwe
hadsomethingspecial.
Iadoreduetsbecausetheyareveryintimateanddisconcerting.It'saveryseriousgame,liketheoneplayedbyactorsinlovescenes.
InApril,thecomposerJamesHornerhadcometoLasVegastoproposesomethingthatexcitedRenetothenthdegree.
"I'mwritingthemusicforafilmTitanic.Thedirector,JamesCameron,hasaccesstothehighestbudgeteverseeninHollywood.It's
agreatlovestory."
He'dwrittenasongwithWillJenningsthathewantedtoputattheendofthefilm.
"Itsoneofthemostbeautifulthatwe'vedonetogether."
Renedidn'tquitetrustanyofthis.Recently,themegafilmswithstaggeringbudgetshadbeenrealdisasters.ButHornerinsistedthat
Titanicwouldmakemoviehistory.
"Forthemoment,Cameronhasnointerestinasong,"hesaid."ButI'msureIcanchangehismindifCelineagreestosingtheone
thatI'vewrittenwithWill."
Afewyearsbefore,we'dhadasadexperiencewithHornerandJennings,thewritercomposerteamthathadwonabouttenAcad
emyAwardsformusicandsongsforfilm.ThiswassoonaftermyfirstalbuminEnglish,andIwasstillunknownintheUnitedStates.
They'daskedmetosingthethemesongfortheanimatedfilmAnAmericanTail(FievelGoesWest),producedbyStevenSpielberg.I
lovedtheirsong,"DreamstoDream,"whichstillcomesintomyheadquiteoften.Butduetocomplicationsanddisputesbetweenrecord
companiesitfellapart.Renewasveryinjuredbyit.WithTitanic,hehopedwecouldputallthatbehindusandsettlethedifferences
betweentherecordcompanies.
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"FirstwehavetoconvinceCameron,"saidHorner.
"FirstyouhavetoconvinceCeline,"Renecorrected."Andconvinceme."
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WemetinasuiteatCaesarsPalace.Hornersatatthepianotoplayhissong.HeisperhapsoneofthemostbrilliantmelodywritersI
know,buthisvoiceisdull,dreary,anddry.Itdidn'treallygooverwell.
InbackofhimIwassendingRenesignalsthatIdidn'twantthissong.Ilovedthewords,butthemelodyseemedflat.
Wehadn'treachedthemiddleofthesongwhenRenewasalreadypretendingnottounderstandme.WhenHornerturnedtowardus,
Rene told him: "In a month we'll be in New York at the Hit Factory, where Celine is recording her next album. If you give us an
orchestratrack,shecandoademothatCameroncanlistento.Ithinkthat'sthebestwaytoconvincehim."
Hornerhadn'texpectedthismuch,sohewasinheaven.I,ontheotherhand,wasfurious.Istartedtryingtofigureouthowtotell
Reneoffassoonaswewerealone.Butintheend,thiswasanothermomentwhenRenetaughtmealesson.
"YouwerestuckonHomer'svoice,butyoudidn'treallylistentothesong.Themelodyisfabulousandyoucanturnitintooneof
yourbiggesthits."
Amonthlater,JamesHornerwasattheHitFactoryinNewYorkwithhisorchestratrack.BeforeIaddedmyvoicetoit,hetookme
asideandtoldmethestoryofthefilmingreatdetail.Iwasverymovedbyit.Ilistenedtotheorchestratrackandknewrightawaythat
Renewasright:itwasanextraordinarymelody.
Icomposedmyselfforafewminutesandsang"MyHeartWillGoOn"effortlesslyandwithoutaffection.ThatdayIwasstartingto
comedownwithaflu,andmyvoicesoundedunsteadytome.Ithadakindoffragility,whichtomegavethesongaveryromantic
feeling.Iletthewordscomefromdeepwithinme.ThebigbossesatSonyTommyMottola,JohnDoelp,andVitoLupranowerethere,
andtheyallsaidfromthefirsttakethatwehadabighit.Afewdayslater,HornercalledtotellusthatJamesCameronhad
listenedtothesongandwastakenwithit.HeevenwantedtoshowusthefilmbeforeitsreleasewhenhecametoNewYork.Everyone
wassopleasedwiththedemowe'drecordedattheHitFactorythatweneverwentbacktothestudiotorerecordthesong.Thatdemo
wouldgooutaroundtheworldandwouldbecomewhatI'vebeentoldisthebestsellingsongintheentirehistoryofrecords.AtChrist
mas,whenthefilmTitanicwasreleasedonthousandsofscreensacrosstheworld,mynewalbum,Let'sTalkAboutLove,wasalreadyat
thetopofthecharts.
OnethingIdiscoveredwhenIbecamefamouswasthatpeoplestartappearingfromnowhereofferingtheirservices.IfIsayonTVthatI
wanttobuildadreamhouse,hordesofarchitects,decorators,andcontractorstrytoreachus.Whenitwas(falsely)rumoredthatI'd
gonetoafertilityclinic,twentydoctorsorcharlatansletmeknowtheyhadthesolutiontomyproblem.Otherswantedtodressme,do
myhairandmakeup,tellmyfortune,writesongsformeandwritemybiographyandmymemoirs.
Wequicklygotintothehabitofsayingnotoeverything.Butanumberofcharities,morediscreetlyanddelicately,remindedusthat
wehadthepowertohelp.Thiswashardtoignore.
"It'sapartofourlifenow,"saidRene."We'vebeengivenalot.Toomuch,ifyouwantmyopinion.Nowwehavetolearntogive."
Forhimitwasn'tatallamatterofimageormarketing.Hereallybelievedyouhadtogivebackinreturn.Thisremindedmeofmy
mother'sbeliefthatyougetnothingfornothingand"whatyougettooeasily,youdon'tgetmuchadvantagefrom."
Reneisbynatureprofoundlygenerous.Asmuchashelikestoplayhardball,healsotakespleasureingiving.Hefeltthiswayeven
whenweweren'trich.Nowhebegantoconsidertherequestswereceivedfromfoundationsandcharities.
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AtthetopofourlistwillalwaysbetheQuebecCysticFibrosisAssociation,withwhichwewerealreadyconnected.Foryears,
we'dbroughtChristmasbasketstopoorfamiliesinCharlemagne.Thepeoplerecognizedus,buttheyweresometimesveryillatease.
Withmybrothersandsisters,thegiftsI'vegiventhemhavealwaysraisedasensitiveissue.Someofthemhaveneededmoney,but
otherswillneveraskmeforanything.ItwasRenewhosaidtomeoneday:"Fortheholidays,youshouldgiveahundredthousand
dollarstoeachofyourbrothersandsisters."
Itwasagreatidea.Duringtheholidays,weallgatheredinasuiteintheMontrealhotelwherewe'dcelebratedourmarriage.I
gaveeachofthemthesamelittleenvelope.Welaughedandcried.IknewIwasbringingthemhappiness,ofcourse,butatthesame
timeIfeltIwascreatingacertainembarrassmentanddistancebetweenus.Iwasafraidthey'dfeeltheyowedmesomething.Ihated
thisbecauseitwastheywhohadtaughtmeeverything.ThedreamReneandIhaverealizedisinlargepartduetothem.Andthat's
whatIwantedtosaytothemthatevening,ifonlyI'dbeenabletofindthewords.Butwewerealltoomovedformetocomeupwith
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anythingatthemoment.
Finally,weallsangtogether,likeinthegoodolddays,formingchorusesandrounds.
Atfiveminutesaftermidnight,July28,1998,weinauguratedourhouseinJupiter."Twentyeight,chat'stwopluseight,whichmakes
ten.Andtendividedbytwo,becausewe'retwo,makesfive.It'llwork."
ThereisagateandaguardhouseattheentrancetoAdmiral'sCove,thecommunitywhereourhouseislocated.Wewerearriving
abouttenminutestooearly.Reneaskedthechauffeurtowaitabit,thenwedroveveryslowlytowardthehouse.Formorethantwo
years,I'dfollowedailthestagesofconstructionanddecorationof
thathouse,evenwhenIwasattheotherendoftheworld.Ihadcometoseetheconstructionsiteformtimetotime.ButI'dstopped
myselffromcomingforthelastfewmonths.NowIwasincrediblynervousaboutseeingthefinishedproduct.
As we approached, the iron gate was open.At five after midnight, we knocked five times on the main door. To our left was a
floweringgardenia,whichtheysayhasaperfumethatchangesthenatureofourdreams.
Thefirstthingthattouchedmewasthelightfromhundredsofcandlesthatlitupeachoftherooms.Thenweheardviolins.Andthe
crystalsoundofaharp,upabove.Ithought:Justlikeinthefirststanzaof'Cen'etaitqu'unreve."
ToamagicgardenIdidstray
Andwokeuponeenchantedday
Tohearaharpandviolinsplay,
Bothofusbegantoweep.Twomimesweresoperfectlyimmobilethatwecouldhardlydistinguishthemfromthemarblestatues
thatfilledthelargeinnercourtyard.AwaitressdressedexactlylikeonefromCaesarsPalacebroughtReneacanofdietCoke.
He couldn't get over it. Even though he'd never really been interested in that house, he was finding familiar objects there that
remindedhimofLasVegasorourformerhomes.Andofcourse,forthisTVfanatic,therewerethirtythreetelevisions,aswellasa
largemovietheater.
Almostalltheroomsofthehouse,theninebedrooms,thediningrooms,thekitchens,thelivingrooms,eventhedressmakingstudio
I'dhadinstalledformymotherandmyauntJeannefacedoutonthepatio.Itwasasortofimmenselivingroomopentothesky,witha
lotofnooks,anEnglishalcove,aChineseone,littlegardens,alarge
[262]
swimmingpoolatthebottomofwhichyoucouldseeourintertwinedinitials...adreamhouse.Thehouseofhappiness.Andoflove.
Untildawn,Iwalkedfromoneroomtothenextasifinadream,findingfamiliarobjectseverywherethatI'dseenonlyinphotos.For
me,thiswasreallyaconquest.Ihadreallyaccomplishedsomething.Iwasfinallygoingtobeathome,inahousethatresembledme.I
wasgoingtolearntomanagethatspace,tobringittolife.
IwasthinkingofthechildthatIwouldperhapsraisethereoneday.MygynecologisthadwarnedmethatI'dhavedifficultyhavinga
childaslongasIwasontour.Thepressure,thestress,thejetlag,thatgreatwhirlwind,aswellasfrequentphysicalseparationswould
makeitdifficult.ButIknewthatoneday,we'dsettledownforayear,maybetwo,inthathouse.AndthenIcouldperhapsrealizethat
otherdream,themostbeautifulofall,ofhavingachild.
Forabouttwomonths,mysisterLindahadbeenlivingnearus.Iwascountingonherexperiencetohelpmetakecareofourchild.
Alain,herhusband,wouldhavealottokeephimbusy.
Theeveningofourarrival,he'dpreparedthemeal.Thenextday,hemadeussmokedsalmoncrepesandomelettes.Whenheasked
uswhatwewantedthatevening,Renesaidoffhandedly:"Howaboutanossobuco?"
Itwasexcellent,andafewdayslater,weofferedAlainajobasourchef.Inthiswayourlifegotorganized,withLinda,Alain,and
threemaids.Allthatwasleftwasformesomeonewho'dlivedforyearsfromhoteltohoteltolearnhowtokeephouse.
Butbeforehand,Ihadtogobackontheroad.Aroundtheendofthatsummerof1998,IwasstartinganewtourfortheLet'sTalk
AboutLovealbumandthenewJeanJacquesGoldmanrecord.Iwasveryproudofbothofthesealbums,butforthefirsttimeinmylife,
Iwasheadingoutontouralmostreluctantly.
ThepremiereofLet'sTalkAboutLoveattheFleetCenterinBostonwasprecededbyoneoftheworstnightmaresofmylifeasanartist.
IguessIshouldhaveexpectediteverythingseemedtoindicatethatweweremovingtowardatotalfiasco.
We'dbeenpreparingthisshowformonths.Themainstage,whichwasshapedlikeaheart,wasbuiltinMontreal.Aboveit,onfour
sides,weregiantscreensthatwouldprojectcloseupimagesoftheshow.Attimes,itwouldshowfilmclipsoftheBeeGeesandBarbra
StreisandthatIwouldsingalongwith.
My stylist,Annie Horth, had asked several couturiers to design costumes for me, the background singers, and the musicians and
chorus.I'devenaddedextensionstomyhair.Fiveminutesbeforetheshowbegan,Iwasenclosedinaboxthatthetechniciansthen
rolledunderthestage,wherethewingswerelocated.Themusicianswereperchedonwhatlookedlikelozengesthatweremovedby
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hydraulicsystems.Itallseemedhorriblyfragiletome.IknewthemusiciansandIwouldhaveagreatrapportonstage,evenifwe'd
neverdonethesesongsinpublic.Buttherestthehypersophisticatedlighting,theluminousstage,thescreenscouldallgowrong.
Forseveralhoursbeforecurtain,weallfeltwewerepartofsomethingthatwasoutofcontrol.Themachinewastooenormous.The
daybefore,RenehadgotteneverybodytogetherinaroomoftheFleetCenter,andtoldus:"Atthistime,thirtytwohoursbeforethe
premiere, we have no show.We have the plan for a show, we have a dream about a show, a show under construction, as big as the
EmpireStateBuilding.Butwehaven'tgonebeyondtheseventhfloor."
MyeyesmetMego'sforamoment,andwewerethinkingthesame
[265]
thing.We'dheardthatsentence"wehavenoshow"before.ItwasinVancouver,theeveningofapremiere.Weweren'twellprepared.
WearrivedinVancouvertheeveningoftheshowwithawickedcaseofstagefright.
Theshowgotofftoabadstart.Themusiciansplayedwell,butwewereneverreallytogether.Betweensongs,Itriedtospeaktothe
audience,butnothingIsaideithermovedthemormadethemlaugh.
Rene never reads me reviews (except when they're good), but the next day I wanted to know. What I read certainly hadn't been
writtenbyavisualpersonoramusiclover.Therewasnothingaboutmissedcues,lighting,ormistakes.Theguywasinterestedsolelyin
thesonglyrics,whichhebroughtdowninflames.Actually,hecouldhavewrittenthereviewwithoutseeingtheshow.
"Exactly,"Renetoldus,"therewasn'tanyshow.Thatwasourmistake.Weweren'tprepared.It'smyfault.Iftheshowhadbeen
good,heprobablywouldn'thavewrittenthat.Hewouldhavetalkedabouttheshow,notthesonglyrics.Buthowcouldhetalkaboutthe
showiftherewasn'tone."
Therewasthatline"wehavenoshow"andnowitwasstarringalloveragainattheFleetCenterinBoston.
AfterRene'stalk,thetechnicians,engineers,andelectriciansspentthewholenightattheFleetCenterinBoston.Theyworkedonthe
visualappearanceofeachsong.Intheafternoon,everybodyseemedparalyzedbystagefright.Itwasveryhot.Iwaswearingpoundsof
verycurlyhairthatIwasbeginningtoregretputtingon.Iwasn'tatallsureofmylook,whichIfoundalternatelyfabulousandridicu
lous.Iwasnolongersureofanything,actually.
Intheend,everythingwentwell.Despiteafewtechnicalblunders,Ithinkwegaveaprettygoodshow.Thistimethecriticsdidn't
havetosettleformywordsorevenmylook.Theyspoke
abouttheauralandvisualbeautyoftheshow.Butthatpremiereremainsinmymemoryasanightmareand,Ibelieve,theendofa
[268]
chapter.
Thatevening,ItoldReneIneverwantedtolivethroughsuchanightmareagain.
"Youknow,Ijustdon'thaveanymoredesireto.Thereareotherthingsinlife."
Thatdecisiontoowasakindofdiscoveryforme.Fiveyearsbefore,itneverwouldhaveoccurredtomethatIcouldhaveanykind
oflifeoutsideofshowbusiness.
Reneunderstoodperfectly.IeventhinkthathewasevenhappyI'dfinallydiscoveredthis.Ithinkhe'salsohadhisoverdoseofpres
sureandstagefright.That'swhenwesworetoeachotherthatwe'dtakealongsabbaticalaftertheendofthistour.We'dbeenthinking
aboutitforseveralmonthsalreadybutkeptputtingitoff,probablybecauseweweren'tyetatthepointofreallyneedingit.Nowthe
ambitionthathadalwayscarriedmehadchangedcourse.
Iwantedpeaceandrest.Ibeganmakinguplittlemovies:almostnoactionandonlytwocharacters,Reneandme.Usuallytheytook
placeonadesertedbeachoratthegolfcoursenearourhouse.AhundredthousandtimesIrestagedmyevenings:wewerealoneinthe
houseI'dpreparedpastaorabarbecueforhimwhilehewatchedagolftournamentonTV.I'dsetthetableontheterrace.Itwasjustthe
twoofus.Wetalkedabouteverythingandnothing,likeyesterday
andthedaybefore.
TheLet'sTalkAboutLoveshowwasevenmorephysicallydemandingthanallmyothershows.Ihadtofillupthatimmensestage
forabouttwohours,sometimesmore.Ileftithighlycharged,inasweat,alwayswiththeeuphoriayougetfromanintenseworkout.
Andthenthenextday,I'dhavetofindawayofbuildingupmymomentumtodoitagainthatevening.
[267]
Thetourwasscheduledtorunthroughthenextyearandmaybelonger.Oncethatgreatmachinehasbeenlaunched,it'snoteasyto
stop.Youdon'tproduceashowlikethatforalittletourofafewmonths.Ihadthefeelingofclimbingupaveryhighmountain.ButI
keptaskingmyselfhowmuchhighercoulditgo?
EverychanceIgot,ItriedtospendafewdaysinourhouseinJupiter.I'dstartedcollectingimagesagain,thistimeforahousein
Montreal. I saw it as a gray stone house, very solid and heavy, with wood paneling, rugs, furs, big fireplaces, very warm colors, an
immensegreenhousewhereI'dgoeverydaytotakecareofmyplants.AndunlikeourhouseinJupiter,whichisacocoon,thisone
wouldbewideopentotheoutside.Iimaginedfieldsofsnowallaround.
Ireallylovethehotweatherofthesouth,eventheextremeheatinFloridainJuneandJuly.Idon'treallylikethecold,butIadore
winterthewhitenessandthefreshsnowcrunchingunderyourfeet.
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WeboughtanislandwithseveralacresontheMilleIlesRiver.It'sabouttwentyminutesfromdowntownMontrealandtheDorval
airportandtenminutesfromthegolfcoursesatTerrebonne.Therearerabbits,deer,alotofgreen,andtranquilwaterallaround.I've
alwaysneededtobesurroundedbywater.
"We'regoingtostopforgoodonNewYearsDay,2000,"Renetoldmeoneday.
Everywhere in the world, they were organizing megashows to celebrate the millennium. Rene was already considering several
proposals,butIwascertainthatonlyoneplaceinterestedhim:Montreal.
Thisgreateventwhichwouldbefollowedbyourlongneededrestperiodseemedalongtimeaway.Butjustknowingthatitwas
coming,andthatIcouldlookforwardtoit,renewedthefervorand
pleasureIgotfromsinging.Knowingthatthewhirlwindwouldbecalmingdownsomehowspedmeforward.
OurplanforthebeginningwasalongstayinQuebec,afullmonthinsummer.Wewouldplaygolfandstartbuildingourhouse.But
thensomethinghappenedtheworstthingwe'veeverencounteredthatwouldforceustoputoffthisproject.
7
OntheplanebetweenMinneapolisandDallas,whereweweregoingtobebasedforabouttendays,InoticedthatRenekepttouching
hisneckwithhishand.I'dnoticedthatheseemedpreoccupiedallday,andIaskedhimwhatwasthematter,evenifIknewtheanswer
I'dget.
"Nothing."
"Letmesee."
Myhandgrazedhisneck.Ifeltamassontherightside,inthehollowunderhisear.Itfelthardandfatlikeanegg.
"Howlonghaveyouhadthat?"
"It'snothing,"hetoldme."It'llgoaway."
Iwasfuriouswithhim.
"Whyhaven'tyouseenadoctor?"
"Ihaven'thadthetime.Itjusthappenedinthelastfewhours."
"Doesithurt?"
"No,notatail."
Immediately,Ithoughtitwasserious.Abumpthatformsinseveralhoursanddoesn'thurtissomethingtobeconcernedabout.Dur
ingthewholeplaneride,Itriednottothinktheworst,butitwasimpossible.Istillfeltthenastysensationofthathardlittlemassunder
myfingers.
Thenextmorning,veryearly,RenewenttobeexaminedinaDallasclinic.Hedidn'twantmewithhim.
"Yousleep,"hetoldme."Youhaveashowtonight.You'vegottobeinshape."
HekissedmeonthecheekandleftwithMartinLacroix,thesonofourfriendsCocoandPierre,whowerehandlingthelogisticsof
thetour.NomatterhowmuchItoldmyselfthatIoughttorest,Icouldn'tseemtosleep.Attheendoftheafternoon,Iwenttothehos
pital,whereIfoundRene,whowasvisiblyworried."Theymighthavetooperate,"hetoldme.
NeverinmylifewillIforgetthatterriblemomentwhenayoungdoctorcametomeetwithusinRene'sroom.Hetoldushe'dfirst
havetotakeabiopsy.IfeltIwasinadream,andI'dalreadyheardthatterriblewordnoonewantstoheartheoneReneandIhadbeen
thinking since the day before. The doctor didn't say it right away. He used technical terms, saying that perhaps the tumor was
"malignant."Irememberexactlyhowhesaidthatword,inEnglish.Iinsistedthathetellusexactlywhathemeantsotherewouldn'tbe
anydoubt.
IheldRene'shandandasked:"Isitorisn'tit.Doctor?""Thebiopsywilltellus,"hesaid.Hewasn'treassuring,buthedidn'talarmus
either."Ifit'scancerous,itwillbenecessarytooperate."Thebiopsywouldbedonebytheendoftheday.We'dknowtheresultsbefore
night.RenegotintouchwithafriendofhisinWestPalmBeach,aDr.SidNeimark,whopromisedtofindtheverybestsurgeon.
[271]
IgotonaplanewithoutReneandheadedforKansasCityforascheduledappearance.Ididn'ttalktoanyoneaboutwhathadhap
pened.Isimplysaidtothemusicians,toManon,andtoSuzannethatRenehadsomebusinesstotakecareof.Iwasn'ttryingtokeepa
secretIjustknewIcouldn'ttalkaboutit.
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Iphonedthehospitaljustbeforegoingonstage,andRenetoldmethey'ddonethebiopsy.We'dhavetheresultsbeforethefollowing
morning.
"InAllahRad,"hesaid,whichmeant,"bythegraceofGod."
Suddenlyeverythingseemedfrighteningandterrible.Iwasaloneinthatdressingroomwithmypain.SuddenlyIwassoexhausted
myearsstartedringingandIhaddifficultyarticulatingcorrectly.Thatevening,Ihadtoturnmystageovertomyworstenemy,the
singingrobot.Mymindwaselsewhere.
MaybeIshouldhavetoldtheaudiencewhathadhappened.ButIwouldhavebrokendowncrying.Instead,Iletthatdetestablerobot
haveasmuchspaceasshewanted.Iremainedoutsideofmysongsandlistenedtoher,Iwatchedherdohersong,mysong.Myheart
andmindwereelsewhere.Rightuntilitwastimeformetosing,"TheFirstTimeEverISawYourFace."Thewordsputmerightinto
theheartofthatsong.Myperformancewasverygood,Ithink,evenifmyeyesweredrowningintears.
IwasonmywaybacktoDallasalittleaftermidnight,andwentdirectlytothehospital.AsIpushedopenthedoortotheroom,I
noticedinthedarknesstwobedsveryclosetoeachother.Renewasinone,andhisfriendPierreLacroixwasintheother.Renewas
sleeping.Pierregotupandledmeintothecorridor.Hereassuredme,toldmetogotosleep,thatCocowaswaitingformeatthehotel.
ThenhegavemeamomentwithRene.Ididn'twanttowakehimupbecauseheseemedsopeaceful.Icouldseethebandageonhis
neck,wherethey'ddonethebiopsy.
Mynightwasshortandtroubled.I'dbarelyfallenasleepwhen
therewereloudknocksonmydoor.Amajorpipeinthehotelhadburstand mybathroomwasflooded.Ilookeddownandsawmyslip
persfloatingaway.Workerscametomopitup,closethevalves,andreconnectthepipes.Theywereverypoliteandspokeinverylow
voices.
Iwentbacktosleep.Aroundnine,IwokeuptofindCocosittingonmybed,bendingtowardme.Shehadtakenmyfacebetween
hertwohandsandwaslookingmestraightintheeyes."Celine,mydarling,yourhusbandneedsyou."Iunderstoodimmediatelywhat
hadhappened.Ahalfhourlater,IwasatthehospitalwithCoco.
Renewassittingonhisbedandwastrembling.Pierrewasnearhim.
"Ihavecancer,Celine,Thedoctortoldme.I'vegotcancer."Pierre,Coco,andIgatheredaroundhim.Wespoketohimasiftoachild.
Westayedlikethatforaverylongtime,allfourofuswithourarmsaroundeachother.
ThedatewasMarch30,1999,thedayofmythirtyfirstbirthday.Renedidn'tcry,exceptwhenIcametowardhimandtookhiminmy
arms.
"Ourhappinesshasbeendestroyed,"hetoldme.Hewaswrong,andtodayheknowsthat.
Butatthattime,Iwascrushedbythefearandthepainofthatterriblenews.Itriedtocatchmybreathandfindmywords.Butas
alwaysinthesesituations,Isoonfoundmyselfonautomaticpilot.
Idecidednottocry.ThemanIlovedneededmetoomuch.Icouldn'tcrumble.Ihadtobestrong.Ihadtobehisstrength,hishealth,
andhishealing.That'swhatItoldmyselfrightaway.
IalsothoughtabouthowmuchIwishedthishadhappenedtomeandnothim.I'mstrong,andIhavealotofstamina.Nomatter
howmuchRenetoldmewhathewasfeeling,Icouldn'texperienceitthewayhedid.
[273]
Dr.BobStockier,whomDr.Niemarkhadputusintouchwith,cametomeetwithus.He'dseenRenethedaybeforeandhadbeen
presentatthebiopsyandstudiedtheresults.Earlierthatmorning,he'dtoldRenehiscancerwasseriousandthathewasgoingtooper
ateonhiminafewhours.
Bobisaverywarmandcheerfulman.Withoutlyingtous,hereassuredusalot.Heevenmadeuslaugh.Hemadeusfeelwewere
leavinginagroupforapleasuretrip.Rene'ssonPatrick,whoispartoftheteamwhenItour,wasalsowithus.
Formybirthday,Renehadinvitedmyparentsandsomefriends,asusual,whoarrivedfromMontrealattheendoftheafternoonand
camedirectlytothehospital:Papa,Maman,PaulandJohanne,MarcandMurielle.Dr.Sleekierhadputhisofficeatourdisposal.His
verysweet,verybeautifulwife,Debbie,cametomeetusandbroughtcoffeeandcake.JeanPierreandAnneMariealsorushedtobe
withtheirfather.
RenehadalreadyfiguredoutthatIwantedtocancelmyupcomingshows.Afewminutesbeforeleavingfortheoperatingroom,
alreadyfeelingtheeffectsofthesedatives,hetoldmeIhadtocontinue.
"It'sespeciallyimportantthatyoudon'tstop,"hesaid."Itwon'tchangeanything,asyouwellknow."
Irememberedwhathe'dsaidtomewhenhe'dhadhisheartattack.
"Ifyoustopped,I'ddietwotimes."
Heconvincedmetocontinue.AnneMariewasontheothersideofthebed,largetearsrunningdownhercheeks.
"I'mhere,"shetoldme."I'mgoingtotakecareofPapa."
Andshestoppedcryingimmediately.There'snobetterwaytochannelyouremotionsthantohaveaduty,amission.
NursescamegetRene.Wewereallaroundhim,thewholetribe,adozenpeople,andwefollowedhimintothecorridorrightto
theoperatingtable.
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WecamebacktoDr.Steckler'sofficeinsilence.
Hewouldcallustwoorthreetimesfromtheoperatingroomtotellusthatallwasgoingwell.BobStecklerisanoptimist.Healways
seesthebrightsideofthings.
Aftertheoperation,hetoldmehewascertainhe'dremovedallthecancer.Andthatitwasnecessarytohavefaithandtolooktothe
brightersideofthings.
"Rene'srecoveryhasjustbegun."
HetoldusthatRenewassleeping,soweallwentbacktothehotel.He'dhadthediningroomofoursuitedecoratedandabirthday
mealpreparedforme,withabigcakewithfivecandles.
Butforthefirsttimewe'dbewithoutourgreatorganizerofeverything.
WereallydidtrytofollowDr.Steckler'srecommendations,andwerehappyabouttheresults.Butnoonefeltlikeabanquet.Evenso,
weatemybirthdaycake,becauseitbringshappinessandluck,andwefeltweallreallyneededit.
Wetookgroupphotos,aswealwaysdid,butsomethinghorribleflashedthroughmymind.Forthefirsttimeinmanyyears,Rene
wasn'tinthem.Ialsothought,despiteallthatDr.Stecklerhadtoldus,thatRenecouldactuallydie,thatmaybehewouldn'teverbethere
anymore.
I was seated at the end of the table, between my mother and my father, and I nearly collapsed, almost literally fell to the ground
betweenthem.
ThenextdayJohanne,mydecorator,cametoseeuswithherbagsburstingwithsketches,plans,andahalftonofsamplesofstones
andtilesdestinedforourfuturehouseontheMilleIlesRiver.
Toputourmindonotherthings,weopenedherbags.Weplacedthestonesontherugandlookedatthemonebyone.
Thefollowingnight,IwastosinginHouston,andRenerefused
[275]
tocanceltheconcert."Showbusinessasusual,"hesaid.Thatevening,onceagain,thesingingrobottriedtotakeover,butIcouldalso
feelagreatcalmnessinthatarena.ItwasalmostasifthecrowdunderstoodwhatIwaslivingthrougheventhoughnonewshadyet
beenreleasedaboutRene'sillness.
IfeltmyvoicetrembleasIsang"AlltheWay,"ourgoodlucksong.Icouldhavesummonedthesingingrobot,butinsteadIletmy
voicetrembleandallowedmyfeelingstofloodme.
Right before the show, in my dressing room, I got together my musicians, Mego,Andre, Marc,Yves, Paul, and Dominique the
members of the chorus Daniel and Denis, the sound people and Lapin, the lighting person. I felt I needed to tell them what was
happening.
Ididn'twantto"softpedal"thenewsbecausewehadashowtodo.ButwhenIsawtheireyesmistup,Icouldn'tholdbackmytears.
Weallcried.Theneachofthemembracedmeonebyone.Perhapswehadneverbeensotogether,soattentivetooneanotheraswe
werethatevening.Theygatheredaroundmeandenvelopedmeintheirmusic,whichwassweeterandmorecaressingthanever.After
theshow,Megotoldmehefeltthattheeveningsmusicwaslikeaprayerwe'dmadetogether.Idon'tthinkanyofuswillforgetthose
momentsweexperienced.
OnboardtheplanethattookmebacktoDallas,Idecidedtocancelallscheduledshows,allrecordingsessions,TVappearances,
andinterviews.UntilRenewascompletelyoutofdanger,Iwantedtoconcentrateonhim.
Predictably,hefeltthesamewayaboutthisashe'dfeltthedaybefore.
"Whatwillthatchange?"hesaid.
ThistimeIwasdeterminedtostanduptohim.IwantedtosharethisordealwithhimIcouldn'tcontinuetotourandworkknowing
hewasalonewithhisillnessandfear.Ididoffersomeconcessions.Igavefouroffiveshowsthatwerecomingupsosoonthatitwould
havebeenunreasonabletocancelthem.ButthefinalsegmentsoftheCanadianandAmericantourswerepostponeduntilthefall.
Wewantedtobealone.ReneadmittednowthatherestedbetterwhenIwaswithhim.Ilaydownbesidehim,andwestayedfor
hoursinthedarknessofhishospitalroom,withoutspeaking.
Oneday,aboutaweekafterhisoperation,whileweweresleeping,thedooroftheroomopenedwithoutanyoneknocking.ItwasDr.
Steckler.
"Hello,lovers,howareyou?"
Healwayscalledus"lovers."Hespokeveryquickly,withastrongNewYorkaccentthathelovedtoexaggerate.Hebrusquelysat
downonthebed.Renestillhadathickbandageonhisneckwithadrainorcathetercomingfromit.Foraweekhe'dhardlymovedor
spoken.
"Whatareyoudoingthisevening?"saidthedoctor.
Renesmiledfeeblywithoutanswering.
"Well,I'mgoingtoseeyourwifesing.Icangetyouaticket,ifyouwant!"Dr.Sticklersaid.
ThistimeRenegaveareallaugh,andsaid:"I'dlovetogowithyou,butwhataboutthisbandageandthisdrain..."
"Oh,wellifthat'sallitis..."
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Andinonestrokethedoctortoreitoff.
"Ifyoudon'tcometoseeyourwifesingthisevening,I'llendupthinkingyou'renotagoodhusband."
HethentoldusabouttheradiationtreatmentsReneneededtohave.
"We'llbeginthemassoonasyou'rerested.Therewillbeafewdisagreeablesideeffectsbutnothingserious.You'llrecuperatevery
quickly,you'llsee."
Icouldseethatnight,morethanever,howmucheveryoneonourteamlovedRene.Theyallcametogreethim.
[277]
"We'rewithyou,champ,takecareofyourself."
Andourchampwasatmyshowthatevening.Hehadalwaysbeenmycritic,myaudience,andmymostintimidatingfan.Formore
thanfifteenyears,everyevening,whenhewasinthehouse,Iknewhewasjudgingme,takingalotofnotes,anddetectingmysmallest
error.Ineededhimtobethere.Atthesametime,havinghimtherealwaysaddedtothepressureIalreadyfeltinfrontoftheaudience.If
myeyesevercrossedhis,I'dimaginesayingtohim:"Letgo,stoplooking...itwillruinyourconcentration."
ButthateveninginDallas,Isoughthiseyesandsangonlyforhim.Hishealthandourhappinesscountedmorethanmyperfor
mance.Wewerebothataturningpointinourlives.
Afewdayslater,backinJupiter,inourbigbeautifulpeacefulhouse,Renebeganhisconvalescence.Hehadtobeingoodshapeto
facetheradiationtreatments.Theyhadscheduledthirtyeightsessions,fiveperweek.
Laughingly,hesaidthatatleasthisillnesscausedsomethinggood:he'dlosealittleweight.Butthedoctorswantedhimtoeatasmuch
as he wanted, because the treatments would deplete him of a lot of energy. In any case, he would surely lose weight as well as his
appetiteandstrength.
Afterhisoperation,perhapsfortwoweeks,hecouldn'tswallowanythingthatwasn'tpureed.Buteventuallyhisappetitereturned.
Forthefirsttimeinyears,hecouldeatwithoutfeelinghewasdoingsomethingwrong.Andforawhilehedidsowithalotofpleasure.
HisfriendscontinuedtoarrivefromMontreal:hisoldbuddies,MarcVerreault,PaulSara,JacquesDesMarais,BenKaye,Rosaire
Archambault,GuyCloutier,PierreLacroix.Theycametospendtwo,threedays,aweekwithus.PierreandCocoLacroixwerealso
aroundalotduringthistime.TheyallsurroundedRenewiththeiraffectionandhumor,andstayednearhimlikebodyguards.
ItwasMay1999,andRenehadstartedplayinggolfwithhis
friends.Heworeascarfandahattokeepfromgettingtoomuchsun.Renehasalwayslovedthesunandheat,soitpainedmealittleto
seethathehadtoprotecthimselflikethat.Whenanyoneactedsurprisedtoseehimgoingoutsideinthesunlikethat,he'dsay,"You're
forgettingI'manArab."
Ispenthoursonthepatiooraroundtheswimmingpool,withmysistersManonandLinda.Icontinuedtocombthroughfashionand
architecturemagazines.Theguysleftearlyinthemorningforgolfandreturnedintheafternoontowatchhockey,golf,orbaseballon
TV.
Rene had a whole world I almost never entered: the world of his buddies. He had strong, close bonds with them. He knew their
birthdaysbyheartandalwaysphonedthem.TheyoftengottogetherinLasVegas,whichtheycalled"theHouse."Amongthem,hewas
called"champ,"or"chief,"or"doctor."Theyhadaspecialhandshake,secrets,theirownlanguage.TheytraveledacrossCanadaorthe
UnitedStatestoseeimportantbaseballandhockeygames.Andtheylovedshowbusinessandbigcities.
Everymorning,fivedaysaweek,AlaindroveustothehospitalforRene'streatments.Theyalwaysusedthesamecar,alwaystook
thesameroute,andalwaysleftatexactlythesametime,tenminutestonine.Everyday,duringhistreatment,Renethoughtofafriend,
oftenacouple.AlainaskedthemtothinkaboutReneduringthefifteenminutesthatthetreatmentlasted.Often,asAlain'sExplorer
drovedown195,thedesignatedpersonwouldcallRenetoremindhimthathe'dbethinkingofhim.Thiswasalsoawayofreminding
Renethathe'dcomethroughthis.
Onemorning,whenIcameoutoftheroom,AlainandRenecriedtoleavewithoutme.
"Wedidn'twanttowakeyou,"Renetoldme.
Thismademeangry.Iknewverywellthathewantedmetorest.
[279]
Butitmademefeelthathelackedconfidenceinme.Orasifhedidn'ttakeseriouslythemostimportantvowofbothourlives.
"Haveyouforgotten,ReneAngelil,thatonthedayofyourmarriage,Ipromisedtolivewithyouforbetterandforworse?"
Afterward,hecametowakemeinthemorning.
Henevercomplained.Nottome,orhischildren,orhisfriends.Ipesteredhim.Iwantedhimtotellmeeverything,everydoubtthat
hehad,anyfearsorworries.Butheneversaidanything.Heseemedsofarfrommeatcertainmoments,livingthingsIcouldn'tshare.
Andthatsaddenedmedeeplybecausewehadalwayssharedeverything.
Whenhisdoctorsawthathereactedwelltotheradiationtreatments,heproposedsomethingelse.
"Toputallthebetsonourside,weshoulddoalittlechemo.Justafewsessions.Itcouldbequitedifficult.Thistimetherewillbe
heavy,uncomfortablesideeffects.Butitwillmakeitsurer.Youhavetodecide."
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ThatdayRene'sthreechildrenwereatthehouse,andheaskedthemwhattheythought.Eachhadthesameanswer:"Thedoctor's
right.You'vegottoputallthebetsonyourside.We'rehere.We'llhelpyou."
Iknewthey'ddoanythingtohelphim.They'regoodchildren,generousandloving.Butinthestrugglethathewasabouttobegin,
Renewouldbealone.Youcan'treallysharesufferingandfear,notatitsdeepest.
Oncemore,asIextinguishedthelastcandleinourroom,IthoughtofKarineandofdeath.Iwasafraid.Thatnight,westayedawake
alongtime.
"Iwishsomuchthatthishadhappenedtomeinsteadofyou,"Isaid.
"Iknewyou'dsaythattome.You'dbestrong,you'dfightrighttotheendwithoutcomplaining.Iknow.That'swhathelpsmethe
most.Inadeepway,youareinmyplace.You'rewithme.Iknowit.Ifeelyourstrengthwithme."
AmongthesideeffectsthedoctordescribedwasthedangerthatRenewouldbecomesterileforaperiodoftime,andthatwewould
nolongerbeabletohaveachild.
Of course, there was a good solution, even if it wasn't the most romantic. Several days after Rene began his treatments, we went
togethertoaspermbank.Thiswayourdreamwouldbewaiting,frozeninatesttube.
IhadbeensoopeninthemediaaboutthechildIwantedthatsometimesIhadtheimpressionthatthenewspaperandTVreporters
werereallysharingthispartofmylifewithme.IneverypressconferenceorinterviewIgave,Iwasalwaysaskedfornewsaboutthe
child.
Rumorsaboutthesubjectwererampant.Theysaidwe'dtakenstepstoadoptachild,inRussiaorChinaevenwhenRene'sillness
wasatitsworst.Intruth,wenevereventhoughtofthat,yetthemediabegantalkingaboutit.IfIweretohaveachild,I'dwantittobe
Rene'sandmine,theincarnationofourlove.
I'veneverthoughtthatmylifewouldfallapartifIdidn'thaveachild.Ineversaidthat.Iwouldn't"sinkintoeternalsorrow,"ascer
tainmembersofthepressliketorepeat.Butevenso,Iwaswaitingforit,lookingforit,andmakingitpartofmyplans.
Duringtours,Istopovulatingcompletelyformonths.EachtimeIamlate,ImakeuplittlemovieswhereI'mexperiencingspellsof
nausea,whereItakeapregnancytest,andwhereIcanseecloseupsofRene'sfaceashelearnsI'mpregnantandtakesmeinhisarms.
ForalongtimeI'vethoughtIwouldhaveagirl.Icreatedsomeverypreciseimagesother.AndIquicklywrotehersomesmallroles.
Ialwayshaveherwithmeinmydressingroomandonboardtheplane.She'sveryjovial.Duringthesoundtest,shecomesonstagenear
roe.Allthemusiciansandtechniciansarecrazyabouther.
[281]
Forsometimeaswell,Isawaboy.Unlikemydaughter,hewasveryreserved,almosttimid.Hedidn'tcometoseemeonstage.He
waitedformeveryquietlyinthewings.HewasdressedlikealittleEuropeanboy,withgolfshoesandshortpants.Itookhimtothe
shopswithmeandboughthimclothes.Hewasveryindependent,verysecretive.Everytimethathebecamedistant,myheartbroke.
ButIlovedhimforthatalso,forhiscoldness,hisindifference.
Littlebylittle,afterthefirstchemotreatment,everythingReneatebegantotastelikesludge,chalk,oriron,andhelostthedesiretoeat.
Hehadperiodsofnausea,momentsofgreatfatigue,anddeepsadness.He'dstoppedplayinggolf.Theonlytimehewentoutwasforhis
treatments.
AnneMarie,Linda,Alain,andIwatchedoverhimdayandnight.Hewassometimesirritated,Ithink.Butweforcedhimtotakea
nap,thentodoalittleexercise,andtoeatevenifhewasn'tatallhungry.
Alainpreparedlightandvariedmealsthatwerelessspicythanheusuallycooked.Renemadeabigeffort,butsoonhecouldonly
swallowpurees.Attheend,anyodorturnedhisstomach.Fordays,heonlyatesorbetsoricecream"nothing,"Alainsaidordranka
veryweaktea.
The doctors told him that sooner or later he'd feel a great fatigue.Whenever that fatigue hit him, even if he was expecting it, he
foundithorriblyheavyandcrushing.
Whatwewerelivingthencompletelychangedmyvisionofthings,myneeds,andmyplans.InolongerplayedgolfandIdidn't
missit.Agameofgolfislikeatripinsideyourself.WithRenesickandincapableoftakingthisvoyage,Inolongerhadanydesirefor
it.Youhavetobeinshapetofindpeace,beauty,strength,andrestinyourselfWhenyou'resick,you'vegotnoneofthat.Oralotless
ofit.
AllRene'sfriendshadnowleft,andmyparentsaswell.Fordays,
neitherAlain,norLinda,northemaidscame.Wewerelivingonanisland,isolatedfromtheworld.Sometimesweevenspentwhole
dayswithoutanynewsfromtheoutsideworld.WhenRenesillnessbecamepublicknowledge,wedecidednottoreadthepapers,for
fearthey'dcontainrumorsaboutwhatwashappeningtous.
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Fromtimetotime,ourMontrealofficesentbundlesoffaxesandcardswithgetwellwishesthatIreadtoRenewhenwetooktea
underourfivetrunkedpalm.
Weweretogetherandcloserthanever.Hisillnesshadbecomeourillness,ourcancer,andour battle.We would fight it together,
righttotheend.
Likeallplayers,Reneisabeliever.
"I'vechosentoheal.Thedoctortoldmethatgoodhumorisgoodforthehealth.Idecidedtobeingoodhumor."
Hesawlife,health,andsalvationlikeabet.Hehadchosentolookfirstandforemostonthebrightersideofthings.Accordingto
him,whathadhappenedtohimwasonlyjustice,thegoodLordknewwhatitwas.
Hetoldhisfriends:"I'vehadawonderfullife.Ihavetopayback,Ihavetopayformyhappiness.It'sonlyjust."
Webelievedinhealing.Weprayedandwept.Evenatthemostdifficultstageofthatordeal,wehadmomentsofprofoundhappiness
becauseweweretogether.
I am, in life and death, the woman of only one man. I've never had any other love, never any other lover, only a few little
insignificant flirtations when I was fifteen or sixteen years old. I remember vaguely having been attracted to a professional hockey
player,whoprobablyneverknewanythingaboutit,I'mnotevensureifIrememberhisname.
Menneverreallycourtme.Idon'tmissitanditdoesn'thurtmeatall,I'mnotthetypeofwomanwhomakesmencomeontoher.In
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truth,Iveryrarelyfindmyselfalonewithaman,exceptforRene.ItshouldalsobesaidthatI'veproclaimedmyloveforReneenough
times to all the men who approach me that they know I'm a satisfied women who isn't looking for adventure. Some might make
innuendosorwinkatme,butnothingcomesofit.
It'sobviousthatI'mnotthekindofwomanwhoarousespassioninmen.There'snoteaseinme.OrelseIdon'tperceiveitinmyself.
Thatcouldbeit.Allmyfemininecharm,allthesexappealIhaveformenIinvestedinmyconquestofReneAngelil.
Alotofwomenmyagealreadyhavehadanumberoflovers.Idon'tenvythem,nordoIjudgethem.Ichoosetoliveanotherway.
It'snotaquestionofprinciplesorofmorality.ItsJustthatReneandIloveeachotherbecauseofwhoheisandwhoIam.That'sthe
greatest,strongest,andmostbeautifulloveofmylife.
Iknowthatitsoundsnaive,butIJustcan'tunderstandhowpeoplewhoarereallyinlovecanonedaychoosenottolivetogether.It
mustbethattheydon'treallyloveeachother,orthatoneofthemhaslovedtheotherbadly.Whentwopeopleareinlove,ithastobe
forever.That'swhatIbelieve.
Iwasbroughtupinrespectandlove,inthecertaintythatloveisstrongerthaneverything.You'repowerlessbeforeit,youcan'tresist
it,butstillitmakesyoustrong,solid,andinvincible.ReneandIbelieveinthatremedy.Morethanthechemotherapyandradiationand
allthetreatmentsthemostlearneddoctorscouldgivehim,itwasthatlovethatweshare.
Reneneveragreed,evenduringhismostdifficultperiods,topostponemyEuropeantourthatbeganinmidJune.
"Whenyouleave,"hesaid,"I'llhavefinishedmytreatments.I'llbecured."
Hisconfidencehadcomeback,andthenauseawasgone.Alainwasmakinghimpureesthatweremoreandmoresubstantialand
whichhewasabletoswallow.He'drediscoveredsmellsandflavors.
WhenIleftforEurope,hewasstillweak,butIsawinhiseyesandvoicethesignsofrecovery.
FromMarch30untilIleft,wewerealwaystogether,nightandday.Evenwhenhewasatthehospitalforhischemotherapytreat
ments,Isleptnexttohim.Formostofthetimewe'dknowneachother,we'dregularlybeenapartfordaysandsometimesweeks.Hehad
hisbusinesstotakecareofandpeopletosee,andIhadmyshowsandpublicitytodo.Neverduringtheeighteenyearswe'dknowneach
otherhadwespentsomuchtimetogether.Andthistimehadbroughtusbothalotofhappiness.Sobyleaving,Iwasbreakingakindof
spell.
Renetoldmeitwouldbearestforme.Fortwoandahalfmonths,Ihadtakencareofhim.Isawthatheatewell,tookhismedicine,
rested,andexercised.Aboveall,Imadesurehekeptuphismorale.
WehadinstalledasatellitedishthatwouldofferadirecthookupwithallmyshowsinEurope.Andwe'dbeabletotalktoeachother
andseeeachotherwhileIwasinthewingsorunderthestage.ThiswayIcouldfeelhispresencethatwassoprecioustome.
Somepeopleneversaytheyloveeachother.We'retheopposite.Everyday,Renetoldmehelovedme,andthathe'dlovemeforever.
ThetimeIwasthemosttouchedwasattheStadedeFrance,infrontofninetythousandpeople.IthinkIhadthemostbeautifulshow
ofmycareerthere.Theatmospherewasaswarmandintimateasinaverysmallauditorium.Afterhavingsung"Pourquetum'aimes
encore,"Ireceivedastandingovation.
Ibowedtotheaudience,whichsurroundedthestage.Peoplewavedpostersthatsaid:"WeloveRene."Iknewmyhusbandcould
[285]
seeandhearallthat.He'daskedDaniel,thesoundperson,tohookhimuptomyearphones.AndsuddenlyIheardhisvoiceinthehol
lowofmyear,hisvelvetyvoice.
"Iloveyou,Celine,foreverandever."
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Iwantedsomuchtocry,tocryoutoffear,pain,andjoyallmixedtogether.ButIcouldn't.Ididn'twantto.IfIdid,myvoicewould
beruined.AllIcouldreallydowasanswerthatItoowouldlovehimforeverandever.Wehadagreedonasign.
"Whenyouseemetouchtheendofmynose,itmeansthatIloveyou."
Myhandholdingthemiketrembled.
WhenJeanJacquesGoldman,whohadwrittenthesongsonmyD'EuxalbumandwhowasalsoabigrockstarinEurope,came
onstageafewminuteslater,therewassuchthunderousapplausethatforalongtimeneitherofuscouldsayanythingordoanything.
JeanJacquesdoesn'tspeakmuchinlifeoronstage.Hewalkedtowardmeastheyapplauded.Thenheputthemiketohismouthand
spokeverysoftlytome.Theclamordieddownimmediately,asifpeoplewantedtohearwhathewassayingtome.
Hethankedmeforbeingthere,asifhewerespeakinginthenameofFrance.Webothlookedattheaudiencestandingthere,their
armsoutstretchedtowardus,whilehereandthere,IcouldseeplacardsofwellwishesforRene.
Asifhehadreadmythoughts,JeanJacquestoldme:"AllthatIcanadd,Celine,is..."
Andhebegantosingacappellathefirstlinesof"S'ilsuffisaitqu'ons'aime"(IfLoveWereEnough).
Thistime,evenmore,ittookallmystrengthtoholdbackmytears.Itouchedtheendofmynoseagain.Ihadabouttwentyseconds
togetcontrolofmyselfbeforejoiningJeanJacquesinthesong.Iheldmyselfbackalittle,outofthelight,andtooksomeslow,deep
breaths.Whenitwastimetosing,I'dregainedmycontrolandmovedtowardthelight.
WhenIcamebacktoJupiteratthebeginningofJuly,Renewasalreadymuchbetter.
Wehaddevelopedatasteforbeingalone.IsometimesaskedLindaandAlainaswellastheservantstotakesometimeoff.Wemade
ourmealstogether.Icanstillseemyselfinthekitchenoncertainevenings,withRenepeeling,crushing,andslicingvegetables.Some
timeshecamenearmeandtookmeinhisarms.Wedanced,withoutanymusicbutourown,aloneinthekitchen.Happy.
Then one day, he asked for pasta again. I knew that meant he was on the road to recovery. In a few days, he'd fully recover his
appetite.
Thenwespenttheday,thefirstformorethansixmonths,withoutthinkingofhisillness,ofourillness...
The only anxietyprovoking subject was the return to Montreal, to public life. Rene had changed, gotten thinner. His voice was
hoarserandmoremuffledthanever.Oftenhechokedwhenhespoke.Heneededtohaveabottleofwaterinhishandallthetime.I'd
neverseenhimastenseandnervousashewasduringthistime.ItwasafewdaysbeforeashowIwasgivingattheMolsonCenter.
Heknewalleyeswouldbegluedtohim.They'daskhimalotofquestionsaboutthatcursedillness,abouthisvoice,aboutthetreat
mentshe'dundergone,andaboutthosehestillhadtoundergo.Allofthatmadehimincrediblynervous.Metoo.Hewasstillverytired
atthattime.Hewasafraidofchokingorofstartingtocry,orofnotknowinghowtoanswerthequestionshewouldcertainlybeasked.
Weknewthatthebestthingwastoholdapressconferenceandsettherecordstraight.Assoonashefoundhimselfinfrontofthe
camerasandamike,Renebegantospeak.
[287]
"Everythingisgoingwell.CelineandIhavegonethroughadifficultordeal.We'recloser,moreinlovethanever.Andnottohide
anythingfromyou:We'rehappy."
Thereportersapplauded.ForanhourwespokeabouttheshowthatwewerepreparingforDecember31andofthesabbaticalthatwe
weregoingtotake.And,ofcourse,ofthechildwedreamedofhaving.
Afewdayslater,wewereattheQuebecColiseum,whereIhadn'tsungforfourorfiveyears.IknewIprobablywouldn'tbebackthere
forseveralyears.Theproducershadorganizedalargepressconference.Butthistime,Renewascalmandveryconfident.Itwasoneof
thosedayswheneverythingislovelyandgood,andeverythinggoeswell,evenifyoudon'tknowwhy.
Duringthecourseofthatpressconference,Renesaidsomethingsthatmovedeveryone.Startingwithme.Averyyoungjournalist
askedwhathewasproudestofinhislife.HeansweredthathisgreatestpridewasthatI'dremainedawomancapableofbeinghappy,
attentivetoothers,strongandindependent.Obviously,thattouchedmealot.Healsosaidthatourgreatestsuccess,asfarashewascon
cerned,wasthatwe'dalwaysbeencapableofbeinghappytogether.
"Asamanager,it'smygreatestsuccess,"headded."ColonelParkermayhavecreatedoneofthegreatestartistsofthecentury,Elvis
Presley,buthefailedtheessential,Ithink.Hedidn'tmakeElvishappy.Thechallengeforamanagerwhohasbeenabletotakehisartist
tothetopistokeephimthere.Butanevengreaterchallengeistokeephimhappy,tomakesurethathedoesn'tfallapart,thathealso
doesn'tbecomeanunsavorymonster."
ItsnotreallymyplacetosaythatI'magoodgirlwhoisgenerousandattentivetoothers.ButIdon'tthinkI'manunsavorymonster.I
don'thavethetantrumsofadivaandifIdemandsomething,there'salwaysagoodreason.
Oneevening,forexample,inMontreal,thedaybeforeanimportantconcert,Iwentintomyhotelroomandcouldtellimmediately
thatI'dhaveahardnight.Themattresswasveryhard,andIneversleepaswellasIdoonasoftmattressthatIcansinkintoabit.
"IfIspendthenightonthis,Iwon'tsleepwell,Iwon'tgetanyrealrest,myvoiceisgoingtosuffertomorrowevening,Iwon'tbein
mybestshape."
I had to spend more than a month in that hotel.And I had approximately ten shows to performin Montreal, Quebec, Ottawa,
Boston,amongothers.
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ReneimmediatelyunderstoodandhadmymattressandthelinensheetsIlikedbroughtfromRosemere.
Whiletheywereinstallingmybedinmyroom,Ibegantothinkofthatprincesswhocouldfeelapeaundertenmattresses.WhenI
waslittle,mysistersusedtosayshewasonlyastuckup,capricious,andspoiledlittlething.Andyou'dprobablyhavetocookherpeas
andswallowthemforher.Ineverlikedherverymucheither.AndyethereIwashavingthemattresschangedbecauseitwastoohard.
Ididn'thaveachoice.Ineededtosleepwellsothatmyvoicewouldbeatthetopofitsformthenextday.AndforthatIwasreadyto
comeoffasastuckup,capricious,andspoiledlittlething.Andeventobetakenforadiva.
Butinnormaltimes,whenIdon'thavetoworryaboutmyvoicebeingthreatened,Iadapttoeverything,eatanything,andtalkto
everybody.
I'mperfectlycapable,thankstothemanIlove,ofbeingahappywoman.Andbecauseofthat,Iknowthatmyhusbandisthemost
extraordinarymanageranartistcanhave.
Towinthehighesthonorsofshowbusinesshasnothingtodowithsucceedinginyourlife.Whatcounts,despitethesuccess,despite
the
[289]
tensofmillionsofdollarsandfans,anddespitetheconstantpressure,istoremainabalancedindividual,capableoffeelingwonder,
surprise,andpassion.
Ofcourse,Reneismorethanmymanager,heismylover,myhusband,andthatchangestherulesofthegamecompletely.But
even at the beginning, he didn't think only of my career. He's always taken into account first and foremost my wellbeing and my
happiness.He'salwayswantedmetoleadthelifethatIwanted,tohavemymother,father,brothers,andsistersnearmeoftenandfora
longtime.Lifemust,andalwaysmust,bebeautiful.It'sourgreatestandonlypriority.Todaymorethanever.
ThatdayinQuebec,whilelisteningtoRenespeakabouthappinessrightatthepressconference,Itoldmyselfthattheonlyfailure
wouldbetonolongerfeelhappiness.Butwhenitcomestothat,Ihavehadasuccessfullife.ThankstothemanIlove,Ibecamea
singerandahappywoman.Iwasabletostayhappy,andthat'snotalwayssosimpletoachieve.
IknewRenewasontherighttrackthedayhestartedplayinggolfandblackjack.InOctober,whileIwasfinishingthelastsegmentof
myAmericantourforLet'sTalkAboutLove,heplayednineholesinDenver,withPierreLacroix,Marc,andRosaire.Thenwespenta
fewdaysinLasVegas.Ineverknewifhe'dwonorlostagame,whichwasn'tveryimportant.Allthatcountedwasthathehadregained
somepleasure.
TodayIbelievethatineverymisfortunethereisgood.Renesillnessbroughtusclosertogether.Itchangedourprioritiesandour
dreams.Idon'tknowwhatmighthavebecomeofusifRenehadn'tgottensick,butIthinkthatit'sdefinitelyhelpedusgaindepthand
maturityinourrelationship
Onedayinspring,weweregettingreadytoleaveforgolf.Rene
cameintothekitchenwhereIwashavingcoffeewithLindaandAlain.Hewentintoecstasyabouttheplayoflightandshadowfromthe
sunrisingagainstthewall.Neverbeforehadhebeensensitivetothatkindofthing.Neverbeforedidhestop,ashenowdoesmoreand
moreoften,tosmellaflower.
Oneday,alongtimeago,whenIwasstillateenager,wewereflyingovertheAtlanticonthewaybackfromEuropewhenwesawa
cometstreamingtowardthesouth.IwenttogetRenesohecouldseeit.Hebenttowardtheportholeandsaid:"Oh,good!"Thenhesat
downandwentbacktohismagazine.Today,I'msurehe'dwatchthatcomet,thathe'dwanttoknowhowlongitwouldremaininthe
sky,whereitcamefrom,andwhereitwasgoing
OnthenightofJanuary1,2000,immediatelyaftertheshowattheMolsonCenter,weleftforLasVegaswithmyparents,mymusi
cians,andafewfriends.
Onboardtheplane,wewereallstrangelycalmandsilent.Theshowwe'djustgivenhadbeensochargedwithemotionthatwewere
completelyempty,punchylikeboxersafterafight.
Iknewmyvoicehadbeenoffafewtimes.ThecrowdwasshoutingfromeverydirectionandIwassooverwhelmedthatalotof
timesIcouldn'thearmyvoiceorthemusic.
"Nooneexceptyoucouldhavenoticedit,"themusicianstoldme."Evenus,wecouldn'thearyouanylonger."
Innormaltimes,beingoffwouldhaveplungedmeintoadeepdespair.Butthatnightwasmagic.Itwasthebigshiftintotheyear
2000,ofcourse,butalsoitwasmylastshow.ItwasthelasttimeI'dbeinfrontofmyoriginalaudience,allmypeople,myfamily,my
country,andmyloves.Nowthecirclewascomplete.
EachofthesongsIdidthatnighttookonanewdimension.Wewerelivingtheendofadream,theendofthecentury.Itwasboth
heartrendingandmarvelous.Atthestrokeofmidnight,Renehad
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comeonstageandthetwoofuskissedforaverylongtime.I'djustsung"L'amourexisteencore"(There'sStillLove).Allaroundme
twentyfivethousandpeoplewereembracing.
Iwasn'tonlyonthewaytoLasVegas,butonthewaytoanewlife.Beforeplungingintoitaltogether,Iwasgoingtogiveabigparty.
Forourparentsandfriends,ReneandIweregoingtogetmarriedagain.AndrenewourvowsbeforeGodandman.
As soon as he knew my intentions,Arthur Goldberg, owner of a dozen casinos in Las Vegas, one of which is Caesars Palace,
contacted us and demanded he take everything in hand. In the end, he offered us that party, "as a wedding gift," he said. Mia and
Johanne worked with Anna Dimartino from Caesars Palace to conceive and install the decor and organize the ceremony and the
banquet.
Iwantedthedecor,themusic,thesongs,thereligiousceremony,andthereceptiontoreflectRene'sLebaneseandSyrianorigins.
Thestarandthecrescent,symbolsofthecultureoftheMiddleEast,werepresenteverywhereinthedecoration.Themusic,dances,
costumes,andgamesrecalledthedifferentArabiccultures.Therewereeventwocamelsandtwoexoticbirds.Renewasaresounding
successintheroleoftheGrandVizierorCaliphIwasScheherazade.
Todecoratethechapelwherethereligiousceremonywastotakeplace,wewereinspiredbythearchitectureandatmosphereofan
Arabmosque.AndinthemainballroomofCaesarsPalace,werecreatedanimmenseOrientalgardenwithsixBerbertents.
TheguestswereseatedinOrientalfashiononcushions.TheywereservedamealoffivecoursespreparedbyLebanese,Syrian,and
Moroccanchefs.Allthemenwereinblackthewomenworelongdressesinthecolorsofpreciousstonesemerald,sapphire,ruby,and
diamond.RenewasinwhiteIwaswearingagildeddressbyGivenchy.
Alotofpeopleagainsaidweweremakingadisplayofourwealth.Perhapswewere,andwhat'ssowrongwiththat?Wealthdoesn't
hideitself.AndIwantedthateventtobefirstandforemostapublicproclamationofourlove.Iwantedthewholeworldtohearthemost
importantthingIhadtosay:"Rene,Iloveyou."Thatwasthepurposeoftheaffair.Therewasnothingdiscreetaboutit.
AfewdayslaterwewereinJupiter,wherewewouldspendthemostbeautifulwinterofourlives,oftenjustthetwoofusalone,or
surroundedbydearfriends.
SometimesIwentouttodoerrandswithRene.Inordernottoberecognized,Iworedarkglassesandahat.Icutmyhairveryshort.
Quiteoften,Renewastheonerecognizedfirst.Fromthenonhewaspartofmyimage.Andthatreallymademehappy.Weweremore
thanone.Peoplesawmeandthoughtofhimtheysawhim,theythoughtofme.Weweretogetherforlife.
Forthefirsttimeinyears,wewatchedtheGrammiesandOscarsonTV,aloneinourlivingroom.AndIrealizedhowpainfuland
exhaustingthesebullfightscouldbe.I'dneversaidit,nottoRene,andnoteventomyself,butIreallydon'tlikegalas,thefalseJoythat
reigns,theinvisibledaggersthatthewomenpointateachother,allthewhilewithfakesmiles.Everybodywantstoflatteneverybody
else.Everywomanwantstohavethemostbeautifulgown.Ormaybetheonethat'smosttalkedabout.
Reneneverlikedtohearmesayanythingatallnegativeaboutanything,especiallynotaboutanothersingerorsomeoneinshow
business.Exceptwhenwewerealone,ofcourse.Andeventhen!Forhim,talkingbadaboutotherpeopleisvulgar.
Andyetafterwehadbegunourvacation,asiftheroleshadbeenreversed,itwasmeespeciallywhotalkedandrecountedtohim
whatwehadlived,justashehadrecountedeachofmyshowstomeinthepast.Everyevening,aftersupper,wesatdowninthemain
living
[293]
room,wewatchedTValittle,andIbegantotalkaboutcertaineventsthathadhappenedwhenweweretouringoraboutanencounter
thatwe'dhadtwoorthreeyearsago,duringtheperiodwhenwewerecaughtupinthatgreatwhirlwind.
ItoldRenethatI'dlovedacertaincityandnotanother,thatIdidn'tlikeacertainproducerverymuch,thatIthoughtanotherwas
adorable.Andhelaughedalot,because,intruth,he'dknownallthat.Butatthetime,inthejawsofthebeast,wedidn'treallyspeak,
notinthatway.Wedidn'thavethetimeorverylittleofit.
Andthenlittlebylittle,inthespring,westoppedtalkingaboutthepastandanalyzingit.Andweturnedtowardthefuture.Agreat
happinesscameintobeingandwetookitasasign.Thatchildwaswaitingforus,hadalwaysbeenwaiting.Andmorethananything,it
willcometoenrichandchangeourlives.
OnAugust24,welearnedthatwewillbehavingaboy,andReneandIaresohappy.IimaginehewillhaveRene'ssmile,hiseyes.I
knowIwillbecrazyabouthim.
Inafewmonths,I'llsinghimalullaby.EverydayIsayalittleprayerforhimtobegoodandhappy.Heisalreadyanimportantpart
ofmystory.
:(Fort/Da)slavaaa@lenta.ru||yanko_slava@yahoo.com||http://yanko.lib.ru||
:http://members.fortunecity.com/slavaaa/ya.html
||http://yankos.chat.ru/ya.html|Icq#75088656
update21.04.03
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Celine Dion My Story, My Dream

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Celine Dion My Story, My Dream

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14/05/2016

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

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( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

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( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

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( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM

( Fort/Da) Celine Dion MY STORY, MY DREAM