The Dependent

http://thedependent.ath.cx/

The least trusted name in news

November 2008

Fire Drill A Success, Says Principal From Limo

Student Receives Third Degree
Burns From Fire Drill
By The Dependent

Freshman Jack Welberg was in

ISP period 5-6 on the day of the
fire drill, when he fell asleep and
did not awaken when the alarms
sounded. He was admitted to
Good Samaritan hospital on that
fateful Friday with third degree
burns on his left leg and torso.
Apparently, no students woke him
when the alarm went off. When he
woke up, the chemistry teachers

By The Dependent

Dependent Everything Reporter

In case of fire or a really nice
day, break glass, pull handle, then
walk 2.3 miles to nearest College
of DuPage.
On Fire Drill Friday, students
walked the distance when the
new and improved fire drill was
put into effect. Months of brainstorming and planning went into
the evacuation procedure, as officials saw the evacuation as a primary concern. An internal memo
that circulated around the governming body at Glenbard South
read, I have an idea on how to
use that new limo we purchased
the other day. How about a longer
fire drill?
As soon as the alarms went off,
the plan was put into effect. Students walked a few miles along
Park Blvd. to C.O.D., the only fire
proof safe haven in the area. The
fire drill was a success, said the
administration, and we have the
entire Glen Ellyn, Lisle, Wheaton,
and Lombard police departments
to thank for that. Without their assistance, none of this would have

been remotely safe. It is rumored

that even Mr. Andy Frain himself
showed up to press the cross walk
button.
On the long journey to COD,
students who had their necessary
water guns taken away happened
to notice a limo passing by. In the
window was a familiar smiling
face holding tall glass of lemonade.
The walk as a whole was voiced
as a great new idea that will be
used for years
to come. Students werent
entirely
disgruntled,
as
it seemed. A
few students
breathed a sigh
of relief when
the alarm saved
them from their
Pre-calc test.
All in all, it was great voiced
the administration, We even had
enough time to stop by Coldstone.
Apparently, they were handing
out free scoops of ice cream that
afternoon. Score!

were performing their own set of

explosion drills, and a combination of simulated fire and chemicals erupted all over his body. If
he had not run out of the building
and gotten help, it is probable that
he would not have made it.
Jack is still in the hospital in fair
condition. We encourage fellow
Raiders to visit him as often as
possible.

Students were estatic upon hearing the news that they had to walk
to C.O.D.

Freshman Finds Family Fortune on Friday

By The G-Bus

A rock shaped like the state of

Alaska. At first glance, it would
appear as any other rock. Not
to freshman Alfred Robinson.
To him, the rock represented six
centuries of family heirlooms,
dating back to the era in which
The Dependent was not printed,
not because of the availability of
a printing press, but because nobody could read.
The freshman spotted the rock
which had been found by his
great great great great grandfa-

thers lawyers mistresss cats

dog some several hundred years
ago for sale for a measly $5 at a
local garage sale while walking
to C.O.D. More to come on this
breaking story next issue.

Page 2

Color Day Every Day!

In response to the positive result of
Glenbard Souths Homecoming week
color day, the faculty has announced
that every day will now be color day.
For those of your living under a rock,
a color was assigned for each grade to
represent. It was an efficient way to see
the different kids in classes, according
to teachers and students alike. Its a
good way to tell the sophomores from
the freshman, says Chris Fannuchi,
who admits to dealing out wrongful
punishment to sophomores who look
like freshmen. This new system would
be a welcomed alternative to traditional
uniforms while keeping the long-standing competition between classes alive.
Students are not the only ones who are
in support of this new policy; teachers love it too. An anonymous teacher
told The Dependent that he is sick of
all the underclassmen sneaking out to
lunch, and he will personally be watching for them by the main entrance, so
watch out Sammie. This announcement
will surely change the face (and wardrobe) of Glenbard, or at least its color,
forever.

School News

Entire Freshman Class Duct Taped to Wall

By Stick E. Situation
Dependent Staff Prank Reporter

GBS, Homecoming Week On Friday, October 3rd, students arrived at

Glenbard South High School to find
all three-hundred and eighty students
of the freshmen class plastered to the
walls of the third floor in the tower, suspended nearly two feet from the ground
by massive amounts of silver duct tape.
Friday the 3rd happened to be color day
at Glenbard South, and the freshmen,
taking their theme of duct tape a little
too far, convinced some more than willing upper classmen who desperately
wished to not be mentioned by name
to help hoist and hang them from the
walls using their designated spirit color. It took the combined effort of the
entire staff and faculty, along with an
enormous amount of GooGone, to lib-

Another Evacuation Drill

Scheduled for December

By Pat F. Pawlowski

When Gremlins
Attack

By SIU Department Head

Many of you may have noticed the

sudden outbreak of injuries at Glenbard South. These injuries have been
strangely concentrated to the areas below the waist. This epidemic of injuries
has many of the students at Glenbard
South as scared as an English major in
a Theoretical Physics class. The administration has been scrambling to determine the cause of the epidemic, but,
as usual, they accidentally spent the
investigations budget on floppy disks.
Fortunately, The Dependents Special
Investigations Unit has uncovered the
real cause of the epidemic: GREMLINS!!! Recently, the ACME crutches
and braces company purchased a crate
of Tasmanian gremlins. These gremlins
were parachuted into the field house and

erate the freshies. Some students, who

apparently had been taped overnight,
were permitted to
go home to collect
their school supplies before being
expected to return
to class. Mr. Andy
Frain immediately
launched a thorough investigation into how such
a coterie of upper
classmen
managed to pull off
this monumental
feat undetected,
but their search
came up empty.
(Freshmen, consider this a warning.)

Policemen, like this one, will

be supervising the evacuation
+ tornado drill combination in
December.
released by an unsuspecting Shaun Lyons. When Shaun was asked about the
incident, he simply replied, The box
tricked me. It said Fragile: Gremlins,
and I dont know French so I just opened
it! How was I supposed to know? The
gremlins have been running around and
quietly tripping people, tearing ACLs,
and causing all-round havoc.

During the latest evacuation drill to

C.O.D., it became apparent, despite
the great success in participation, that
there was a major flaw in the evacuation procedure. Whilst at C.O.D., some
of the school administration realized
that there is the possibility of a tornado
warning during the parade (the line of
fifteen hundred evacuees), or while inside the C.O.D. field house. Safety is
our first concern, says the administration, we need a plan for such an even
of inclement weather. The scheduled
evacuation is supposed to take even
longer than our previous one, due to
an increase in time to coordinate such
an introduction of a mock tornado, and
the possibility of a ground cover of
snow. Recently, a group of students
were asked a few questions about their
opinion on the evacuation. We think
its great idea to spare some of our class
time to devote to the safety of our student body, one student said. Others
equally supported the idea, and as it
turns out, we could not find one person
not willing to spare a bunch of time for
the unlikely event of a tornado during a
school evacuation.

Page 3

School News - Feature

Speed Ramps... How Far is too Far?

By Garrett Padera
Dependent Parking Lot Reporter

Slow down! This is a common

phrase heard coming from the Andy
Frain security guards as you fly down
Raider Lane, trying to make it to Portillos and back in 25 minutes. Speeding
in the parking lot is not only a problem
when dealing with students, it is also a
problem with parents, who try to rush
home after participating in the corral
of cars that forms during the morning
drop-off period.
Several years ago, the administration
set to curb the speeding problem, after
realizing telling people to slow down
was not enough. Their first attempt
was to release geese on the roadway,
per recommendation of Zak Kammer,
which would cause people to slow
down, or swerve out of the way and into
the lamppost. Several lampposts later,
this idea was scrapped, citing reasons
of angry parents using the geese as targets to try to run down. Several geese
were victimized as parents and students
took out their frustration by running
them over.
The next idea the administration implemented to stop people from speeding came in the form of giant snow machines. In theory, the machines would
shoot water high into the atmosphere,
which would later come down in the
form of snow. Upon seeing the snow,
people would slow down, as people
normally do during the winter. However, the contractor used to install the machines cut corners on the project, and
the machines ended up causing massive
hailstorms on Abruzzo Ln. as cars tried
to speed as fast as they could to avoid
the damaging wall of falling ice.
After two failed attempts, the administration was ready to admit defeat, when
the newest member of the school board
stepped up during the board meeting
and suggested the installation of speed
bumps. The proposal was beat to death
with criticism, such as where the money
would come from, how tall they would
be, what color they would be painted,
and how many should be installed. The

proposal eventually passed through the

board with the help of several earmarks
for the superintendents family, as well
as free cafeteria food for a week at each
Glenbard. After only 2 short years, the
speed
bumps
were installed.
Initially, the
bumps proved
The traditional
effective at slowspeed bump
ing cars down.
Abruzzo Ln. and Raider Ln. alike were
places that were safe for pedestrians
and cars to intermingle. All was well,
until 2008, when a massive resurfacing project was launched to improve
the road quality on Abruzzo Ln. The
workers decided that the speed bumps
were contributing to the overall rough,
bumpy feel of the old road, so they took
out the bumps.
Many in the administration were puzzled at the lack
of speed bumps
when the road
was finished, but
most didnt mind.
One night, a brazen staff member
bolted
yellow
plastic bars to the
One of several
road. These bars
plastic yellow sticks
that are installed
bolted to the road
on the road to-

day are the topic of serious discussion.

The administration has been receiving
backlash from angry parents who freely
sped down Abruzzo Ln. before. They
are taking these negative comments to
light, and are trying to make sense of
the strange plastic bars that appeared on
the roads overnight.
This story wraps up in the present,
where today the administration are voting on the proposal to eliminate the
plastic sticks entirely, and replace them
with what most call the anti- speed
bump. Speed ramps are central to the
proposal, and are slated to be installed
on Abruzzo Ln. Beneath the ramps,
spikes, alligators, and cute fluffy kittens will reside, to ensure that people
enter the ramp with enough speed to
clear the hazards below. The idea of the
proposal is to punish those [redacted]
vigilantes that installed the speed sticks
in the first place. We spend millions of
dollars to resurface the road and make
it smoother, and someone comes along
and ruins it in the name of slowing
down traffic. Ive had enough, and this
new proposal will shatter the very ideas
that this absurd vigilante action was
founded upon. We can only hope that
the proposal fulfills the goals that it was
set out to do, and that no more taxpayer
money is wasted in the name of pork
barrel projects.

The Speed Ramp: Explained

The ramp will be constructed at an angle such that cars must be traveling
at least 35 miles per hour in order to clear the hazards. In this photo, a
Hummer H2 traverses the ramp at the optimal speed.

Page 4

The School

Average Raiders

How does the average, everyday, common Raider dress? Our photo essay delves into the world of the dress code of the common Raider.

Page 5

Political

Sarah Palin Answers a Question

Ralph Nader pulls

ahead in Presidential
election polls

By BOB
Dependent Staff Provider of
Answers to Difficult Odd Math
Problems

ALASKA It was released to the press

last Wednesday that when questioned
by her children as to the dinner menu
one evening, Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin responded directly to her children, MOOSE!!!
and lipstick!!! All five of them immediately called everyone they knew
- including certain debate moderators
- to inform them of the earth-shattering
event. Hoping that this change in official policy could lead to progress during interviews, The Dependent rushed
to the Palin household. In fact, Governor Sarah Palin does now answer questions! Upon asking Palin if she would
allow us to interview her, she promptly
stated, NO! Lipstick! and slammed
the door on my foot. Shes a strong
woman. The Dependent will continue
to pursue this story in next months
issue, after a certain reporter gets the
cast taken off of his shattered left foot.

By Hermy van Merschmerbergentovowitstein

Dependent Janitor and Political
Analyst

giving the Governor of Alaska permission to tell me what to wear, states

Nancy, a three-year old bulldog. Hockey moms have shown negative reaction
to Palins comment as well. Sarah Palin didnt know the difference between
a slap shot and a power play when she
first came to this league. She is no hockey mom, she was just trying to sound
Alaskan, but we know a phony from our
own! says Jenn Hollstand, a native of
Anchorage, Alaska. It looks like in her
first hour on the big stage Sarah Palin
lost two of the biggest swing votes this
year, the bulldogs and hockey moms.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Yesterday

long-time presidential candidate Ralph
Nader shocked pretty much everyone,
everywhere in the U.S. who doesnt
live under a rock by becoming the first
non-Republican or non-Democrat to
actually lead in the election polls in
God knows how many years. Nader,
who this election year was uprooted
from his comfortable and usual spot as
the nominee from the Green Party and
was forced to solicit himself as an inDependent candidate, gained the support of nearly all Americans who are
afraid to vote for McCain due to the
imminent demise in the first month of
his term and those that fear to vote for
Obama because the economy is fine as
it is, and we clearly dont need any tax
breaks. The polls show Nader leading
by nearly 15 points over Hillary Clinton, who somehow managed to become
a candidate anyway. Obama and McCain trail Clinton by another 10 points.
An outside political consultant whose
wish to remain anonymous was denied
until he took me to court believes that
the polls are ridiculous and he reminds
us all that John Kerry was leading in the
polls before the Presidential elections
in 2004. An inside political consultant
claims that while the Cubs may never
win the World Series, the devil has volunteered to let Hell freeze over if Ralph
Nader wins in 2008 in lieu of the deal
with the Chicago Cubs management.
In the event that Ralph Nader wins the
Presidency of the United States, immediately apply for a passport and leave
or become a naturalized citizen of Russia. At least youll be able to see Sarah
Palins house.

Vote November 4th!

Vote November 4th!

Mr. Obama lounges in the LRC.

Abe Lincoln waits for his old

high school buddy, John McCain.

Hockey Moms and Bulldogs Lash Back Against

Sarah Palin

By Mr. T
Dependent Awesome Guy

All around America, hockey moms and

bulldogs alike are stirring in response to
Sarah Palins recent comment made at
the GOP convention in St.Paul, Minnesota. The statement in question, The
only difference between a hockey mom
and a bulldog is lipstick. Palin is obviously attacking a beleaguered bulldog
population that has been struggling with
image problems since the turn of twentieth century. Just because shes vice
president doesnt mean she knows us.
I am so sick of being typecast as some
ugly tomboy dog. What is wrong with
me wearing lipstick? I never remember
Vote November 4th!

Page 6

Who Wants to
Be a Billionaire?
By A Senior

A billion dollars is now only moments

away. Imagine all your dreams of becoming a billionaire coming true. You
could buy that special someone that
box of chocolates. No more waiting
for government stimulus checks or a
thriving economy. How is this possible you ask? How can you become
the next Warren Buffet? Its simple,
INFLATION! Recently Zimbabwe has
experience record-breaking inflation
of over 1,000,000,000%! (The way
our economys going it wont a record
for very long). What does that mean
you ask? It means about $0.32 in the
U.S. Dollar equals $1,000,000,000 in
Zimbabwe. OMG, you say? OMG is
right. That sucks! (For Zimbabweans)
so have fun, go to your local currency
exchange and become a billionaire, or
even a trillionaire! Go play Monopoly
in Zibababwe with real money! Buy
a Googolplex of Dependents! Be like
Brangelina and adopt several children.
Or you could do something lame like
feed the millions of starving poor refugees, just a suggestion. (You could put
that on a college application!)

The World

Over Emotional
By A Brown Guy

As the final days of the presidential

election are upon us, the emotions of
supporters are beginning to be noticed.
This is very true in regards to the name
Obama. The name Obama might make
you feel joyful, similar to how a kindergartener feels after laughing at his
best friend who just farted. The name
Obama, however, could also produce an
emotion that gives the urge to shout at
the nearest Democrat near you, punch
a nearby wall, cut down a tree, go to
war with Russia, drill for oil offshore of
the United States (or the northern part
of Alaska), and rant about the apparent
socialization state of the United States.
These emotions compare nothing to
those that will be felt the day after the
election. If Obama wins, be aware that
there may be an equally angry group of
people. I have no idea what they will
do, but they will most likely be yelling.
Students be aware, on the off chance
that McCain does win, most of your
teachers will probably be slightly upset
about the results. Therefore, dont do
anything rash; try to sit in the far back
corner, and dont mention any of the
following words: right, McCain, Republican, GOP, Ohio, red, ACORN, or
Rush Limbaugh.

Modeling Agencies Stocks Up

Amidst All Turmoil
By Sickle N. Jury

Due to the market crashing the past

few weeks, modeling agencies have
been profiting from the masses that can
no longer afford
food and shelter.
Says a representative for Vogue,
Its like nothing
weve ever seen
before. A week
ago, I was saying
that there were
no anorexic looking girls anymore, A model generand now, over two ously offers her
hundred are lined empty cup of cofup at my door, fee to people who
claiming
that walk by.
they will work for
food. It is a very good day for modeling, indeed. After questions about the
ethics of this and receiving shares in the
company as an answer, us at The Dependent have decided to give thumbs
up to this creative practice. If only Stalin had such great ideas...

English Laboratory Discovers New, Heavy Element

By Al K. CaLiFeRNa
Dependent Staff PoliSci Researcher

LONDON, DARLING Lawrence

Livermore Laboratories has discovered
the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198
assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an
atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called
morons, which are surrounded by vast
quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons. Since Governmentium has no
electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can

cause a reaction that would normally

take less than a second, to take from 4
days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6
years. It does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which
a portion of the assistant neutrons and
deputy neutrons exchange places. In
fact, Governmentiums mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons
to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever
morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred

to as critical morass. When catalysed

with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Page 7

The Dependent

Sudoku

Comic

Color by Numbers
1 - Black
2 - Blue
3 - White
4 - Skin tone
5 - Pinkish-red
6 - Silver
7 - Dark Blue

The Final Word:

Kids That Try in Gym Class

By Ben Miller

We all know gym class is time of the

day where its acceptable, nay, expected that you stand around and talk to
friends. Gym class is the only true holy
sanctuary of our stressful day. However,
there are a few people who give more
than their required 30% in P.E. One
question plagues me, the eternal WHY?
Who cares if you can beat three members of the chess team in flag football.
Doing more pacers than anyone else in
your class does not make you the fastest runner in the school. Insisting on
cheating against a team made up of the
most unathletic kids in gym class does
not make you a good athelete, winning
a fair game against kids who try does
not even make you an good athelete.
Its gym class, give it up, if you want to
pwn some noobs, join a sports team.

Page 8

Photos

And Now a Break from the Real Issues

By Paulie Political

The race for president is finally almost over. It seems like theyve been campaigning for at least years. Its amazing to
see how the candidates policies have changed over the last two years, but its even more amazing to see how the stress has
changed their physical appearance. Here are some photos of the candidates from two years ago, and today. Also, to be fair Ill
throw in Bush and Cheney from `98 and now. (These pictures were not photoshopped at all, I swear.)

Then

Now

Then

Now

Yeah, right. McCain was

a baby at some point. I
believe that.

McCain is actually wearing

a diaper in both pictures.

Its weird, no photos exist of

Palin before 8/29/08.

Is she winking at me?

Whats that supposed to
mean?

Barack Hussein Osama I

mean Obama.

Oh, Obama, what has the

media done to you?

Note: George H.W. Bush is

controlling the strings.

Im a real boy now. Its

not your war anymore is it,
Pop?

This isnt that bad, I carry

around two balls this size all
the time.

Im down here, see me?

Could you please stop stepping all over me?

Accidentally shot Harry

Whittington in face with
ray-gun while space-quail
hunting.

Obama, I AM YOUR
FATHER!