Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 5, Issue 2 September 26, 2012
Petty Thefts Plunge Campus Into Rural Gangland
By Jack B. Thimbledon
GAMBIER A recent outbreak of
thefts has rocked the Kenyon Com-
munity, depriving students not only of
their personal belongings, but also of
their basic faith in humanity. Accord-
ing to Campus Safety, what started
out as a series of petty snatchings has
transformed the once-tranquil campus
into a hotbed of organized crime.
Were used to the occasional miss-
ing cellphone, shenanigans with bikes,
that kind of thing, explained Campus
Safety officer Clive McGrady, but
this was something different from the
start. Coordinated, systematic even.
Students noticed the increasing
threat to their possessions and sent out
desperate allstus in search of their lost
property. Sheryl Herman 15 pleaded
with whoever has [her] Blackberry
to please please please give it back,
thanks :), but she did not receive a
reply. The owners of jackets, wallets,
keys, and other sundries have voiced
similarly polite requests, only to be
crushed by a complete lack of re-
sponse.
The rising numbers of backpack-
New Lords and Ladies Tighten Corsets, Jodphurs On The Sporting Courts
By Peppermint Twiss
K.A.C In an effort to bolster
school spirit, Kenyon Athletics has
decided to exclusively recruit actual
Lords and Ladies to all teams.
You know, I just felt like we have
this great mascot and we could really
do more with it, said Athletic Direc-
tor Buzz Dunette. Did you know
that Georgetown has an actual bull-
dog? The students love it! Inspired
by the school spirit at larger universi-
ties, Dunette spearheaded the efforts
to begin recruiting within the fields of
high European royalty.
Believe you me, we had quite the
time finding a new football team,
Dunette joked. We had to check full
lineage for each player at least
two generations of noble blood. The
th e k e n yon collegiate
A snapshot of Kenyons new depraved social landscape
nappings, locker room piracy, and bi-
cycle burglaries have led to a collec-
tive panic among the student body. I
think thats what changed everything,
said junior Mac Tremble. A Kenyon
where people dont just bring stuff
they see lying around to Safety, a Ken-
yon where lockers are no longer sacred
well, it isnt really Kenyon at all.
Capitalizing on the widespread
terror of the student body, the People
Endorsing Agrarian Sustainability/
football team is currently made up of
forty-three Lords, most of whom hail
from France and the United King-
dom.
I prithee, tell me why we must
runneth up and down the green so
many times? asked Lord Millford
Northrop, the new starting quarter-
back of the football team. Mine legs
tireth me and there is much dirt on my
knickers.
Out of the forty-three members of
the football team, only two had heard
of the sport before. Nevertheless, the
team still conquered Earlham two
Saturdays ago.
Lord Pierre Bonaparte, from the
French province of Roussillon, was
recently named the new captain of the
Continued on page 4.
Environmental Campus Organization
(PEAS/ECO) has begun running a
protection service from their NCA
headquarters.
They say its in your best interest,
whispered Lily Foster 13, to just go
along with the game. Some PEAS/
ECO sophomore comes knocking on
my door, telling me he can keep my
bike safe for a small fee, of course.
Continued on page 4.
Senior Girl Keeps Making Mistakes
By Elizabeth Wilkinson
UPPER DEMPSEY Sources indi-
cate senior Heather Assisi just cant
stop making mistakes.
Just this weekend I was having a
great time and then I did something
dumb and embarrassing! said As-
sisi, a philosophy major from Rhode
Island.
While at an Old Kenyon party, As-
sisi accosted a first-year from her en-
vironmental science class, telling him
about that time on her abroad pro-
gram that she totally did something
dumb and embarrassing.
She cornered me during the
DJ Slaptop set and spilled her beer
down the front of my shirt. Then she
Inside This Issue
Professor Clearly Making
Drinking Game Out of
Class Discussion
Pity-Party Policy Changes
Totally Unfair
Sensitive Sophomore
Writes To-Do List in
Moleskine
Girl Of Your Dreams To
Murder You In Sleep
shouted in my ear, LET ME TELL
YOU ABOUT THIS DUMB AND
EMBARRASSING THING! but I
was just trying to find my friends,
claimed a still-shaken Michael Smith
16.
Details of the social faux pas in
question remain murky, though the
pattern is unsurprising to most peo-
ple, including Assisi.
Even before I went abroad, I did
that dumb and embarrassing thing at
the Village Inn, I did that dumb and
embarrassing thing at WKCO, I did
that SUPER dumb and embarrassing
thing in Olin, and how can I forget
that dumb and embarrassing thing I
did in New Apts?
Assisis conduct is beginning to
Continued on page 5.
1
 Trolls Dont Give A Fuck
By Clams Casino
SAM MATHER According to a new
study performed by the Kenyon Soci-
ology Department, trolls are insanely
possessive, have little to no self-
awareness, and definitely dont give a
fuck about you.
It couldnt matter less how friendly
you are to trolls; as soon as you en-
gage in a conversation with a friend, a
troll will inevitably lumber over, blud-
geon your friend over the head with a
mighty club, and drag the victim back
to its carnal den to bone.
Ive hooked up with trolls about
six times this year, confessed eco-
nomics major and Alpha Delta Phi
President Nate Hitches 13. I dont
feel good about it, but I mean, its just
a troll.
Contrary to popular belief, the new
study reports that befriending a troll
actually increase the likelihood of an
unprovoked attack. The study notes
that these attacks usually manifest
themselves in the form of a troll shit-
ting directly on your face. Despite
your attempts to call for help, troll shit
will inevitably muffle your cries and
leave you visually impaired.
Trolls often dwell in isolated
caves and are rarely helpful to hu-
man beings, noted Joan Woolrich,
Professor of Literature and specialist
in Norse and Scandinavian folklore.
I mean really, they just want to bang
your friends and couldnt give less of
a shit about you.
In most cases, avoidance of trolls
is beneficial, but when an encounter is
inescapable, its important to cut trolls
off before they attack to avoid poten-
tial physical and emotional scarring.
A troll is more than just a hole,
protested Marrisa Tomaltson 14 in
defense of the trolls.
They have feelings, Tomaltson
continued as a troll dragged her boy-
friend into a dank lair to slather its
flapping, disease-ridden vag all over
his peen. They cant help it if theyre
a little possessive!
Senior English Majors Pepare For Proposal Deadline
By Elizabeth Wilkinson
SUNSET COTTAGE Senior
English major Stephanie Fanon says
she is way stressed about Fridays
deadline for the Comprehensive Ex-
ercise in English proposal. Sources
report the 250-word, double-spaced
proposal for a 9-12 page paper due
early in 2013 is currently weighing
heavily on the minds of Kenyon Eng-
lish majors.
I met with my advisor and he
said that I totally had a great topic,
said James Lister 13 from behind the
Gund Ballroom Study Castle. Still, I
just cant do the proposal. I mean, my
roommate Lewis [Hafner 13] just
turned in a two-page proposal plus
annotated bibliography for his twen-
ty-page French comps, but that cant
be compared to the Kenyon English
Department.
We write poetry like they play
football at OSU! interjected English
major Lizzy Russo 13, holding up a
bookstore mug with that same E.L.
Doctorow quote emblazoned on its
side.
Lister is hoping to write his 9-12
page paper on the American Dream
in F. Scott Fitzgeralds The Great
Gatsby. Its something Ive been
thinking about since my junior year
of high school, Lister said. Basi-
cally, I posit that Gatsbys actually a
failure, and his dreams of materialism
are empty and unrealized.
Russo has similar ambitions: a
9-12 page novel about a misun-
derstood poet-girl-tea-lover-dreamer
who goes to a liberal arts school in
Ohio and takes two semesters of Cre-
ative Writing where Robert Lowell,
John Crowe Ransom, and John Green
once lived and worked.
Members of the English faculty
were seen purchasing aspirin and
bottom-shelf scotch at Rite Aide
last weekend in anticipation of this
Fridays 4:00 p.m. deadline. In all
honesty, its shorter than anything
theyve ever turned in for any class
ever, remarked Professor of English
Henry Delmar. Those kids need to
stop bitching and let us focus on the
honors kids.

THE VILLAGE RECORD

Sept 23, 11:45 a.m. Theft. Unity House flag stolen by house member; conflict resolved internally.

Sept 23, 12:30 p.m. Drugs/Paraphernalia. A student was found blazing fat bleezy of that loud cali medi; officers bugged out and broke up the sesh in Watson
Residence Hall.

Sept 23, 1:15 p.m. Vandalism. Student found vandalizing Mather wall with chalk. Student apprehended and a work order was placed with Maintenance to
remove the owl.

Sept 23, 5:00 p.m. Theft. Circulation desk missing from Library.

Sept 23, 10:30 p.m. Theft. Golf cart stolen from outside New Apts. Golf cart returned to Campus Safety at 10:40 p.m.

Sept 23, 10:45 p.m. Theft. Golf cart stolen from outside Campus Safety. Golf cart returned to Campus Safety at 10:55 p.m.

Sept 23, 10:55 p.m. Failure to Comply. Student in Norton Residence Hall not adhering to headpiece regulations. Officers removed fedora and chastised student
for poor taste.

Sept 23, 11:47 p.m. Alcohol. Bexley Cat found stumbling around New Apts; cat non-responsive. Squad called; cat transported to Knox Community Hospital.

Sept 24, 12:03 a.m. Weapon. Student found wielding umbrella on Middle Path near Rosse Hall. Item secured at Campus Safety.

Sept 24, 12:30 a.m. Alcohol. Freshman pwned, n00b tooled on by experienced junior, officers assist n00b back to residence hall.

Sept 24, 12:45 a.m. Food Violation. Food cart found peddling illegal grilled meats near Old Kenyon. Food removed on several plates.

Sept 24, 1:00 a.m. Theft. Circulation desk and golf cart found in Peeps division. Peep offers contents of pocket in exchange for desk; officers decline. Golf cart
returned to Campus Safety at 1:15 a.m.

Sept 24, 1:30 a.m. Weapon. Small uprising of sophomore anarchists squashed by Sheriff behind the KAC. Work order placed.

Sept 24, 1:45 a.m. Drugs/Paraphernalia. Perennially unlucky senior hits joint for first time in front of Safety Officer. Sheriff called, CIA notified, FBI consulted,
FDA approved.

Sept 24, 2:00 a.m. Theft. Craig loses virginity in Palme House; officers nostalgic.

2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g  2
 Point/Counterpoint
Can I Study Here?
By Myles West 14
My goodness, the library sure is
crowded on this fine Sunday morn-
ing. Not a single table open! Not to
worry, though, because studying is
always better with a pal, and I see one
heck of pal sitting right by the win-
dow.
Is this seat taken?
No response is good enough re-
sponse for me. Youre wearing head-
phones chances are you didnt
even hear me. Ill just give a friend-
ly wave over your book. Whoops,
knocked the book over.
Thats a mighty big book you got
Opinion
I Prefer The Deli, Actually
By Earl Cain 14
Every day, I see thousands of hap-
less Kenyon Students trudge towards
Peirce Hall, marching their way to yet
another bowl of something or other.
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.ed u 3
there! Geez, did you lose your page?
No bother, Ill pick it back up for
you. Shit, looks like I have some
Cheetos dust on my fingers. Got a
little orange on your the book, there.
Speaking of Cheetos, I have some
left over in my backpack. A nice little
snack for me! Ive always wondered
how loudly I chew. You know how in
your head chewing sounds so loud?
Anyways, these Cheetos are great.
Ive always wondered how
loud I chew. You know how
in your head chewing sounds
so loud?
I dont know how people work
without music. I just love to jam out
when I do reading. Hey, you look
pretty upset, pal. You know what I bet
would cheer my pal up? Some awe-
some music. Let me just pop these
headphones on for you.
Look whos over there! More
friends! Oh man, I gotta hear about
your night. Come on over. Long sto-
ry? Thats cool, I got time.
Im not even sure what reading I
have do for today. Ah, who cares? I
could just sit here all day!
But the taste alone doesnt seem to be
stopping these students; something
else must be motivating their desire
to put themselves through Peirces
paces. This means one of two things:
either everyone utilizing Peirces ser-
vices deeply appreciates the service
the College provides for them every
day of the school year (pssht), or
literally thousands of Kenyon students
have not even heard of the Gambier
Deli.
As a junior myself, I find it surpris-
ing how few Kenyon people eat at the
Deli every day for breakfast, lunch,
dinner, and the occasional pre or post-
workout snack like I do. On a good
school day, the place is mostly empty,
save for a few old men drinking cof-
fee and a handful of heirs to various
fortunes. How did this select group of
Deli-goers get in on the secret and not
I Will Kill You
By Nina Grady 15
Fuck being in the library hungover on
a Sunday. I just have to get through
this reading and then its my bed and
some Netflix whats that? Beverly
Hills Cops now streaming? Just two
hundred pages of Herodotus and I
will be chilling with tough-talking
Detroit cop Axel Foley. You and me,
Eddie Murphy. Lets do this.
Just put on some headphones,
some good music, and, my god, its
like I am in ancient Greece right now.
Five pages down, 195 to go, and
wait, who is that? Oh no. Oh hell no.
Dont come over here. Dont you dare
everybody with eyes and taste buds?
Perhaps one way to remedy this
situation is to increase awareness.
The Deli serves delicious, reasonably
priced sandwiches, but they have
very little exposure around campus in
terms of advertising. Posters, flyers,
and Newscope articles would be small
but potent contributions to increas-
ing the Delis public clout. I mean,
what does Peirce have to show for the
tireless, grueling day-to-day efforts
of their dedicated staff? I see them
working themselves to the bone for
my well-being, and yet: no imported
asiago/fontina/romano cheese blend
for my Granny Hayes Meatballs?
No artisan wildflower honey for my
croissant (sent from home)? No truffle
oil for my spinach salad? When will
Kenyon students put down their forks,
place their dishes on the conveyor
come over here.
Oh god, hes talking to me. Just
stare at the book. This isnt happen-
ing. If I cant see you, you arent here.
Herodotus, be my shield! Shield me,
Zeus!
Do not, I repeat, do not touch me.
Find a happy place, find a happy
place. Herodotus has fallen. Defenses
are down. And youre sitting now.
Yep, youre definitely here. This is
happening.
No, no, I dont want to listen to
your music. Please, why are you tak-
ing off my headphones? Personal
space. Nope, nope, do not want. What
is this? Is this . . . its Enya. Who
in the hell is still listening to Enya?
Yeah, thanks, that was great.
Who are you talking to? Yeah,
great, more people over there. Thats
exactly what I want. Oh, wow, you
guys had the craziest time at the Cove
last night? Please, tell me more. I care
deeply about your late night shenani-
gans.
I didnt want to do this, but youve
given me no choice icy cold stare
time. If I stare at you for long enough,
you will go away. I am not even blink-
ing right now. I am telling you with
my eyes: if you do not leave me alone,
the great and mighty gods will strike
you down. With lightning and fire. I
will summon the shit out of Ares and
he will fuck you up. I will kill you.
to be washed by decent, overworked
employees one last time, and see the
light of Epicurean enlightenment?
Just get a student account at the Deli,
load up some of your disposable
income onto it, and bn apett! It
couldnt BE more simple.
Please, Kenyon. Join me, the
old men sipping coffee, and Imelda
Huffington-Carnegie III, for a delec-
table Tuesday morning breakfast at
the Deli. Tell your friends about this
wonderful, culinarily superior local
eatery. The omelettes are one easy
payment of $14 (which includes a cup
of water), but damn me if I ever have
to eat a locally sourced vegeta-
ble soup from Peirce ever again.
Join me, Kenyon. Its nice over here.
Lords and Ladies, from page 1.
soccer team.
If the art of war were nothing but
the art of avoiding risks, glory would
become the prey of mediocre minds,
declared Lord Bonaparte, who insists
on riding to all practices atop a white
stallion. I have made all the calcula-
tions; fate shall do the rest!
Lord Bonaparte was recently dis-
missed from a game for bringing a gild-
ed sword onto the field. He is, neverthe-
less, very certain of upcoming victory
for his team.
Other players are not so enthusiastic
about their participation in American
sports. Many of the Lords and Ladies
are not accustomed to running, throw-
ing, catching, or even walking. Lady
Bellimere, the new captain of the wom-
ens soccer team, arrived to the first
game of the season being carried by
four freshmen boys on a throne of gold.
This lady though the title strum-
pet fit her better throweth an animal
skin at me, Lady Bellimere cried out
in the middle of practice. I demand
her head be cutteth off! Lady Belli-
mere threatened to quit the team when
another player knocked her wig off her
head. She refused to wear the team uni-
form, insisting that it was the rags of
peasants.
When informed of this excit-
ing decision to bring in new players,
Kenyon students were surprisingly
indifferent.I mean, yeah, I guess thats
cool, said Haley Doyle 13, a history
major writing her thesis on eighteenth
century French aristocracy. But will I
go to a game? I dont know, the KAC is,
like, such a long walk.
Awkward Eye Contact Made With Crush In WiggleGround
By Gunderson Threeply
WIGGIN STREET COFFEE Sources
confirmed that Mark Ellsbridge 13
successfully made eye contact with
his freshman crush Maria Weringo last
Thursday in Wiggin Street Coffee, to the
jubilation of socially awkward romantics
everywhere.
Friend and confidante Seth Baker 14
corroborated the story, saying, Ill be
honest I didnt think he had it in him.
Every time that girl walked into New
Side, Mark started sweating profusely
and bolted out of there. But I was sitting
in WiggleGround studying British Ro-
manticism when he sat down at a booth
facing opposite her and started eyefuck-
ing her real hard. He probably held that
stare for ten minutes before she stood up
to go bus her dishes. At that moment she
definitely locked eyes with him. Think I
saw her smile too.
2 4
Gangland, from page 1.
Well, I said no, and guess whose tires got
mysteriously slashed the next day. Stu-
dents have also reported mangled laptop
chargers, broken remains of purses, and
headless stuffed animals left on their beds
by intruders.
Its a warning, Foster continued, but Collegiate want to keep you half-
what can you do? Half of Safetys on the
take, no one knows who to tell. You just
pay up, keep your head down, and hope
they let you have your stuff.
Circle K, formerly a paragon of civic
volunteerism, has established its terri-
tory on South Campus, sources report.
The Ks have all of Old Kenyon, Tafts,
Manning, Bushnell, reported Billy
Northwood 14. As a former member
of the volunteer organization, he looked
over over both shoulders before continu-
ing, but theres a turf war going on for
Leonard, Hanna, and the Aclands. If
youve got them, youve got Peirce, and
if youve got Peirce youve got the bikes.
Cars, too.
The conflict has quickly escalated
from Circle K members being force-
fed unpasteurized milk, or PEAS/ECO
members used as indentured laborers in
service projects, to cold and calculated
acts of depravity. A PEAS/ECO fresh-
man was found, according to the Campus
Saftey report, on the ground near the
Horn Gallery with an encircled K tat-
tooed on his face.
Trevor Jones 15, who gets by sell-
ing old iPhones to desperate students, felt
that Kenyon is beyond the reach of civi-
lized society. Its every man for himself
out here, he cautioned, brandishing his
box of electronics. If you cant handle it,
try Oberlin.
Not all of Ellsbridges friends share
Bakers optimistic assessment, however.
Maddie Ashleigh 13, another friend,
had this to say: Yeah, I mean, I guess
he did make eye contact with her. She
elaborated, recalling, I mean I was just
in there to get a mocha and head back
to my apartment, but I get this text from
Seth that just says HES DOIN IT!!!!
and I look over, and [Marks] really
staring at this girl, eyes bugging out of
his head and everything. Im pretty sure
I saw a blood vessel in his forehead
burst.
Eli Manx 15 provided a different
view of the scene entirely, throw-
ing Ellsbridge and Bakers story into
question. Yeah, I saw that dude, the
sophomore said. Tryin the ole eyefuck
on Weringo? That girls got blinders
onshes totally immune. Real bush-
league maneuver, that. Everyone whos
anyone knows that when a girl puts up a
Continued on Page 5.
Its Safety Awareness Week!
With the disturbing trend of hospi-
tal trips for intoxicated students on
the rise, various institutions around
campus have initiated a Safety
Awareness Week to keep students
informed about the perils posed by
day-to-day academia. We at The
remember that technique is crucial.
conscious dolts informed and, above
all, safe. As such, we have created a
comprehensive and easy-to-read list
of safety precautions to help keep
you bumbling buffoons from slip-
ping on your own drool.
General Safety Tips:
Wear a helmet! Youve spent too
much money on your mushy, gooey
cranial gel to have it splatter on
the pavement after you spin-out on
Bookstore ice-cream.
Buckle up! Ships are safe in
harbors, but thats not why ships are
made. You, however, lack the tenac-
ity to weather the storm. Buckle
yourself into a chair and stay there
so you dont hurt yourself, kid. On
that note
Dont ever leave your dorm. The
world is a dangerous place, and you
desperately lack the basic cognitive
abilities to not get run over by an
errant horse-and-buggy.
Get arrested! You cant drown
in your own tomato tortellini from
behind locked bars!
Be a triple major! The only dam-
age you can do by spending all your
time being studious in the depths of
the Gundgeon is emotional, which
is trivial compared to what youre
capable of.
Everyone Else Already Done With Comps
By Pumpy Calico
OLIN LIBRARY Sources have
recently confirmed your suspicions
that everyone else around you is
already done with their comps.
Having found out about Ken-
yons requisite Senior Compre-
hensive Exercise mid-way through
their freshman year, all members
of the class of 2013, except you,
formed a detailed study schedule
and began brainstorming ideas for
topics.
Yeah, I just didnt want to be
stressing about it, said senior
French literature major Ella
Rheeson as she calmly sipped from
a mug of green tea. I had my first
draft done by the summer after my
sophomore year, and its all un-
However, we at The Collegiate
know that some of you will muster
enough unjustified courage to leave
the confines of your domicile.
Tips for the adventurous:
When ghost riding the whip,
If you drive too slow, youll be in
danger of running yourself over, so
keep up the speed! The Collegiate
recommends humming along at 30
mph and donning a sick set of roller
blades to keep pace.
When night-sledding, remember
to keep your speed up! If you come
into contact with trees, youll want
to easily break through them with
your momentum. Youll also want
to keep any bears or scary night
creatures youve alerted safely in
your wake.
When swan-diving off the bridge
over the Kokosing, remember to hit
that deep spot just behind the boul-
der. NO NOT THAT ONE!
Remember: DRUGS ARE BAD
FOR YOUR BRAIN. You never
can be too sure of what youre put-
ting in your body, unless you can get
ahold of that good shit by talking
to Rick behind the trash cans in the
Farr parking garage at 11:15 tonight.
Codeword: Dimethyltryptamine.
Its a bad idea to drive when your
brain is clouded in a fine alcoholic
mist; get a grip on the road by clear-
ing your mind with freeing substanc-
es such as ecstasy and LSD. Bonus
points for a combo! Remember
kids, cross-fading gives you multiple
perspectives, and you cant have too
many eyes on the road!
folded pretty smoothly since then.
Sources indicate that while you
were procrastinating on the incred-
ibly straightforward and founda-
tional reading you were assigned
in your introductory-level classes,
everyone else was gradually work-
ing through their comps reading
lists, studying essential German
vocabulary, and compiling bibliog-
raphies for research papers.
Its nice to have it all over
with, reported Henry Whimple
13, so I can concentrate on enjoy-
ing my senior year: taking walks
around Gambier, going to morning
yoga, and solidifying the already
strong relationships I have with my
professors and peers.
While youre in the library most
nights panicking about the fact
that your prospectus is due in two
Continued on Page 5.
Student-Run Business Profile: Nite Lites
By Ricardo Carrigano
GAMBIER Nite Lites, LLC, the
newest foray in the student-run busi-
ness world, is putting people to sleep
in the best way possible, sources re-
port.
The business, whose mission is
getting the campus to sleep: softly,
soundly, sweetly, charges a nominal
fee to assist students who are having
trouble amassing their nightly allot-
ment of unconsciousness.
I know I have trouble getting to
bed sometimes, began Nite Lites
founder and president Han Branson
14, and some nights I just cant get
comfortable enough to pass out for
more than two hours at a time. He
continued, I was talking with my
friends about my late-night sleeping
problems, and one of them asked me
if maybe he might read me a bedtime
story to see if that would help. Thats
when the light went click although,
I guess in this case the bulb went off
instead of on, am I right?
Shortly after this moment of inspi-
ration, Branson consulted friend and
Entrepreneurship Club member Ra-
Freshman Kicks Lame Senior Out Of Party
By Ricardo Carrigano
BULLSEYE Last Wednesday
night freshman Julio Hansen kicked
lame senior Brad Gerwood out of a
party in Old Kenyon, sources report.
A small party was in progress
at approximately 10:30 p.m. in the
Alpha Delta Phi division, consist-
ing mostly of fraternity members,
assorted friends, and enterprising
freshmen.
The party-pooping senior history
major was reportedly spotted sulking
in a corner, nursing a warm Keystone
All The Other People At Kenyon Actually Two Other People
By Roy McKluskin
GAMBIER Sources have con-
firmed that, apart from yourself, Ke-
nyon College is actually composed
of exactly two people, a girl named
Sarah and a boy named Sam.
Sam hails from just outside a
major city, though for conveniences
sake he says hell often just give the
name of the city. Sarah, by contrast,
lives in a major city on the opposite
coast from Sam, and behavior like
that annoys her. Whereas Sarah
attended a private preparatory acad-
emy, Sam matriculated from
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.ed u  5
chel Moore 14 about his nascent idea
for a campus business. He came up
to me so, so excited about this plan,
recalled Moore, and we stayed up
super late talking about all the ways
we could help people PTFO. We drew
up our business plan on a Peirce nap-
kin sometime in the wee hours, and,
well, here we are.
Nites Lites offers a wide array of
soporific techniques. The cost is $10
for a session, or a monthly subscrip-
tion rate of $40 for unlimited appoint-
ments. Sleep aides are available on a
first-come, first-serve basis; students
can call from the hours of 11:00 p.m.
to 1:30 a.m. to book a reservation.
Once booked, a Nite Lites employee
goes to the determined location be
it dorm or academic building and
gets to work.
We do a whole lot of calming,
meditative stuff, said Nite Lites em-
ployee Tracy Keller 13, like ambi-
ent-noise making. For example, last
week I went to a room in McBride
and spoke whale for a few hours un-
til the client conked out. Keller also
recently provided the soothing sounds
of waves breaking on the beach, tele-
for the majority of the night.
Witness Anna Tran 16 recalled
him as this creepy, dumpylooking
dude who kept frowning at me every
time I went to get another beer for
my friends. Gerwoods unbecoming
party-behavior didnt stop there.
I saw this dude sitting there, not
even singing along to the Sweet
Caroline chorus or taking any inter-
est in the intense beer-pong game
going on behind him, explained
Hansen. I didnt get why he wasnt
doing things that everyone else was
doing. He wasnt shouting, he wasnt
a large, well-funded public high
school. Whereas Sarah prefers dress-
ing in tights, boots, floral skirts and
sweaters, Sam prefers expensive
button downs and jeans in whatever
color.
Both occasionally drink to excess,
although neither is generally consid-
ered by their peers to be out of con-
trol. They are both fascinating to talk
to at parties, as one went to a third
world country for study abroad, and
the other visited a large, cosmopoli-
tan European city over break. Neither
likes Peirce very much.
vision static, and Gregorian chant,
among others.
In addition to these aural assists,
Nite Lites also offers the reading
of bedtime stories, cuddling and/or
snuggling, tucking-in, and monster-
under-the-bed checking. Their signa-
ture and namesake service is an in-
volved and dedicated process. When
a student orders a Nite Lite, a Nite
Lites employee stands in the corner
of the customers bedroom, dressed
in all black and completely wrapped
in Christmas lights, and stays there
through the night; however, by first
light the Nite Lite departs.
Nite Lites offers the read-
ing of bedtime stories, cud-
dling, and/or snuggling.
Student response has been entirely
praiseworthy, citing the business as a
prime example of the Kenyon com-
munity spirit. Ive been really busy
with my honors thesis lately, said
history major Greg Wilson 13, and
I just wanted to sleep for a few hours.
Nite Lites came up to my carrel and
with a girl; he just looked pissed off
to be there, and he was bringing down
the mood. So I go over there and ask
him would he leave, and away he
went.
AD Brother Maury Katz praised
the heroic freshman for his valiant
volunteerism. We try to keep the
Bullseye and all of division free
Comps from page 4.
weeks and you havent even mastered
MLA citations yet, everyone sitting
around you is actually reading for
pleasure or learning a new language
for fun.
Lilian Tripland 13 said that she
requested to take her senior economics
exam with the graduating class of 2012
so that she would have a pressure-free
summer, during which she could apply
for fellowships and look for a full-time
post-graduate job.
I think it was a good decision on
my part, Tripland said, having se-
cured government funding to study ag-
ricultural development in Sri Lanka for
a year before going on to an economics
Ph.D. program at Harvard University,
to which she has already been ac-
cepted. Im feeling pretty good about
my life and my choices.
Those interviewed also suggest that
you get your shit together already.
Jesus.
read me sections from Kant, let me be
the big spoon, and, since Im a repeat
customer, they comped me a Nite Lite
in my Taft. Knowing someone was
there, quiescently watching me sleep
and emitting a soft, incandescent
glow just put me right at peace.
Mistakes from page 1.
wear on her friends nerves and discon-
tent is percolating forth from what were
once stable relationships.
Really, she should get over herself.
Itd be cute if she was, like, still living
on the quad and having all these misad-
ventures, but its the same shit everyone
else is doing and they seem to be just
fine, advised Assisis roommate and
best friend Doris Stern 13.
If I learned anything from her mis-
takes, reasoned an informed Smith,
its that if Im going to make any, they
should be actually worth it. Maybe Ill
break my arm this weekend stealing a
golf-cart, or maybe Ill vomit all over
my hookups bedroom, but at least those
could actually be worth telling people.
of limp dicks as much as we can,
mused Katz, but we cant be ev-
erywhere all at once. Its moments
like these that remind me how much
I enjoy being a part of the Kenyon
community.
Eye Contact, from page 4.
cold front like that, you gotta break the
ice by talking to her, he said, shaking
his head.
When confronted with Manxs propo-
sition, Ellsbridge demurred. Absolutely
not, he said. What would I have done
then? Ask her out on a date? What if she
had said no? What if she had said yes?
Where would I have taken her? Ruby
Tuesdays? Too risky. Far, far too risky,
Ellsbridge repeated as he walked away
from Collegiate reporters.
Despite the criticisms surrounding his
methods, Ellsbridge remained forthright
in pursuing further eye contact with
Weringo and entertained extending the
theatre of eyefucking into the servery,
the library, and her bedroom window in
Upper Norton. I just feel like we made
such a connection, you know? said
Ellsbridge, carrying a step ladder into the
freshman quad. True love only comes
along once, maybe twice in your life.
The Peirce Trays: Where Are They Now?
Tray # 30293: Traylor
My work: Junior Tray Executive, New York, NY
What hes doing: Holding food for financial executives as
they negotiate over Ralphs Famous $5 Lunch Special
The alumni connection: I developed a special bond with
Rich [Santana 12] when he discovered I was able to sup-
port five cups of blue Powerade at once. When he became a
financial analyst, he always kept me in mind.
Tray # 52012: Trayva
Job: Operating Room Tray, Mayo Clinic, Rochester, MN
What shes doing: Holding surgical tools, providing sani-
tized surface
How a career at Kenyon helped: Learning to get through
the tense atmosphere of Chicken Patty Day really gave me the
mental strength to handle the environment in an OR.
Tray # 21204: Traymond
Job: Landfill Occupant, Lees Summit, MO
What hes doing: Occupying a landfill, slowly watching his
impotent rage transform into resentment and self-hatred
Key Kenyon moment: Fuck you, Career Development Office.
Tray # 01938: Trayvor
Job: Fulbright Scholar, Novokuznetsk, Russia
What hes doing: Researching the effect of American trays on
Russian sledding customs in impoverished Siberia
How a Kenyon education helped: Working on my honors
tray thesis, Planes, Trays, and Automobiles: Traynsgressions of
Traynsational Patrayarchy in Trayditional Russian Villages re-
ally taught me how to be disciplined and focused in my work.

Tray # 67381: Traychel Tray # 00048: Traycee

Job: Prop Tray, Hollywood, CA Job: Trophy Tray, Greenwich, CT
What shes doing: Serving finger food to Hollywoods What shes doing: Hanging on the wall of an ostentatious
most beloved stars family; occassionally serving as a mirror for vain house-
Produest moment: Getting vomited on by Lindsay Lohan wives
after she showed up on set hung over. Proudest moment: Finally saving up enough money for
my plastic surgery.

The Kenyon Collegiate is currently accepting new applicants.

Email collegiate@kenyon.edu to apply.

Strange But True: Gund University Collegiate Staff

It has come to the attention of The Collegiate that Ken-
yon has a ghostly sister college located directly across the
Kokosing River. This institution, called Gund University,
apparently materialized out of nowhere, according to
campus sources, and is now accepting applications for the
Spring Term. And heres the kicker: many of GUs facilities
and organizations eerily mirror those of Kenyon!
Lets get to know our new spooky neighbors, with The
Collegiates glossary of common Gund University terms. Go
Peasants and Wenches! (GUs Mascots)
Gund Ballroom - Kenyon Study Chamber (named after
alumnus architect Kent Kenyon)
Fools on the Hill Geniuses in the Valley
Beyond Therapy Next to Health
WKCO KCOW
Nite Bites Day Starvation
Beer and Sex Water and Discipline
2 Drink Minimum Please Dont Feel Pressured to Con-
Gund Universitys esteemed leader and matador, X. Giorgio Nugnte
Peirce Dining Hall Blunt Force Trauma Starvation
Cubicle
Kenyon Democrats Gund Satanists
S. Georgia Nugent X. Giorgio Nugnte
Timberlake House Joey Fatones Study Shack
Krabbe Disease . . . . . . . Pumpy Calico
Chorea . . . . . . . . . . . .Gunderson Threeply
Prosopagnosia . . . . . . . Boat Thorpe
Saint Vitus Dance . . . . . . . . Jeffrey Cashpore
Shaken Baby Syndrome . . Clams Casino
Hirayama Syndrome . . . . . . . . . Roy McKluskin
Narcolepsy . . . . . . . . Clifford Seldom
Pompe Disease . . . . Ricardo Carrigano
Anoxia . . . . . . . . . . Jack B. Thimbledon
Sleep Apnea. . . . . Big Jeff Oglethorpe
SUNCT Headache. . . . . Billy Hughes
Von Hippel-Lindau. . Barker D. Flugelhorn
Apraxia. . . . . . . Patty OFurniture
Cerebral Gigantism . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Causalgia. . . . . . . . . . . .Pierre lOuiseaux
Mucolipidoses . . . . . . . Peppermint Twiss
Blepharospasm . . . . Drexel J. Thrash
Dandy-Walker Syndrome . . Elizabeth Wilkinson
Floppy Infant Syndrome . . . . Jim Michigan
Interns:
Pons, Brain Stem, Medulla Oblongata, Cerebel-
lum, Occiptal Lobe, Parietal Lobe, Frontal Lobe,
Thalamus, Amygdala, Hypothalamus, Hippocam-
pus, Corpus Callosum, Cingulate Gyrus, Wer-
nickes Area, HAL, Cerebral Cortex.

sume Alcohol Palme House Heele House Consultant: V.S. Ramachandran

AD Afterhours Breakfast Burrito Tri-Lamb Reasonable
Hours Dinner Cereal
Sexual Misconduct Policy Puritan Cordiality Chaos
Peeps O Kenyon Assholes McGund
Baby Drama Adult Life
The Village Inn The City Out
Wiggin Street Coffee Big Pile of Shit
Upper Class Counselor Lower Depravity Provocateur
MESA (Middle Eastern Student Association) SILLA
(Students In Latin Language Areas)
C o lle g i ate@kenyon.ed u
The Polar Plunge The Tropical Ascent (In which par-
ticipants fly in a heated airplane around campus not for
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
charity) Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
Community Advisor Discord Consultant legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
Discrimination Advisor Jim Crow Coach KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
Science Quad Creationist Circle
Health Center Pamphlet Printshop
Kenyon Athletic Center McGund Sloth Institute
Church of the Holy Spirit Culturally Non-Specific House
of Profane Material
6