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By
Michael J. Allen
INT. DORM BEDROOM-DAY
KYLE and LORRIE make out in bed. They speak between sloppy
kisses.
LORRIE
You got a condom, right?
Kyle takes out a trojan.
KYLE
Ch-Ching.
They kiss.
LORRIE
Good, Im not ready to have your
abortion.
Kyle stands up.
KYLE
Im deeply offended. I think wed
make a beautiful stillbirth
together. We could keep it in a jar
on the mantel, and after a messy
divorce itll stay with you, and
Ill see it in a public place every
other weekend during state dictated
visitation hours.
LORRIE
Youre such and optomist, Kyle.
Thinking Ill ever get married.
Youre crazy.
KYLE
I mean, our theoretical unborn son
or daughter is going to need some
type of positive male role model in
its life.
LORRIE
And who would that be?
KYLE
Most likely some rebellious
intellectual type with tattoo
sleeves who poaches his political
"ideals" from his reading of the
sparknotes from the work of some
eastern philosopher.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
LORRIE
(sarcastic)
You got me. My vagina throbs at
even the slightest hint of
pseudo-intellecualism. Now, will
you make love to me please.
Kyle launches himself onto the bed. They make out.
A knock on the door.
LORRIE
Son of a-
KYLE
Who is it?
A voice answers.
ALVIN (O.S.)
Its me, Alvin.
Kyle sighs.
LORRIE
Ask him to go away.
KYLE
Hey Alvin, do you think you could
come back in a couple minutes?
LORRIE
I hope you last longer than a
couple minutes.
ALVIN (O.S.)
No man. The end is nigh. We dont
have a moment to lose.
KYLE
Ok. Ill be right there.
Kyle gets out of bed, and turns to Lorrie.
KYLE
(to Lorrie)
Whatever he says, just go with it.
LORRIE
Who is this guy?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
KYLE
Hes an old friend.
Kyle points at the ground.
KYLE (CONTD)
A little out of touch with the
here.
Lorrie points to her head.
LORRIE
Is he alright up there?
Kyle shrugs.
KYLE
Ehhh.....
Kyle opens the door. Alvin, a little nerdy kid busts in
wearing camouflage, a thick scarf, military boots, a big
backpack, and a red headband/bandana. Hes ready for war.
ALVIN
Close the door.
KYLE
Whats wrong Alvin?
ALVIN
I said close the door goddammit!
Lorrie looks frazzled.
KYLE
Ok ok.
Kyle closes the door. Alvin gives Kyle a hug as Lorrie
watches.
ALVIN
Im sorry for yelling at you. Its
just been so hard since the
fighting started. Im just glad
youre alive.
KYLE
What fighting Alvin?
Alvin looks stunned.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
ALVIN
You havent heard?
Alvin puts a hand to his head and takes a few steps away
from Kyle.
KYLE
Heard what Alvin?
Alvin turns to Kyle.
ALVIN
The vampires have risen.
Kyles mouth drops. Lorrie looks confused.
LORRIE
The "vampires"?
Alvin turns to Lorrie.
ALVIN
Oh hey Lorrie. Yeah. Some fool
spoke the dark speech over the
grave of the vampire king and now
they have risen to take their
vengeance on the children of God.
LORRIE
Ohhhh, yeah of course.
Alvin turns to Kyle. He hands him a scarf.
ALVIN
For your neck. I dont want you to
go and get bit on me. Im gonna go
secure the hallway.
Alvin exits the room cautiously.
KYLE
Yeah. Hes a character.
Lorrie gets off the bed.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
LORRIE
Hes like a dozen characters!
KYLE
As soon as we get him through the
scenario hell snap out of it. Then
itll just be me and you again.
As Kyle talks he struggles to put on the scarf right. Lorrie
helps him and gives him a kiss.
INT. HALLWAY-CONTINUOUS
Garlic is placed by a doorway.
Alvin blesses holy water and coats a door handle in it with
a rag.
Alvin stands up on a chair and hangs a crucifix on the wall.
Kyle and Lorrie watch as Alvin steps down from the chair.
KYLE
I thought you were Jewish.
Alvin looks out the window.
ALVIN
The risen dead do not fear the
chosen people.
LORRIE
So whats the plan Alvin?
LORRIE
Where?
ALVIN
Gilroy, California. Garlic capital
of the world.
KYLE
Its genius.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
ALVIN
I know.
LORRIE
Sorry, Im falling behind again.
Kyle sighs.
KYLE
Vampires cant be around Garlic or
they die.
LORRIE
Like a food allergy?
ALVIN
Pretty much, but less lame.
LORRIE
Ok, got it. How are we gonna get to
Gilroy, Alvin?
Alvin goes to the window and points outside.
ALVIN
Were going to want to avoid major
roadways and gas stations, so were
better off using the power of
pedals.
KYLE
Well, we have to stop to see the
Grand Canyon.
ALVIN
Its why I scheduled it in.
LORRIE
Wait! Theres three of us and one
bike. How are we all gonna get
there?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
Kyle gasps.
KYLE
No.
Alvin drops his head in defeat.
ALVIN
I have to. It was my plan and I
messed it up. Ive put all our
lives in danger. Im sorry.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.
LORRIE
What?
ALVIN
Lorrie, Girlfriend of Kyle, the
charge of vampirism has been layed
upon you. How do you you plead?
LORRIE
Not guilty?
KYLE
Not sounding too reassuring there
Lorrie.
ALVIN
Im sorry Lorrie, but theres only
one way you can prove to us that
youre not a vampire.
Alvin pulls out a chunk of garlic.
ALVIN (CONTD)
You must eat an entire piece of
garlic.
LORRIE
Really?
KYLE
Its the only way.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.
KYLE
No. Shes my girlfriend. Ill do
it.
Kyle cocks the shotgun again and enters the bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM-CONTINUOUS
Kyle enters the bathroom. Imaginary shotgun at the ready.
Lorrie spits garlic cloves into the sink. Kyle drops the
"shotgun" act. He walks to her side.
KYLE
You okay?
Lorrie spits garlic into the sink.
KYLE
That bad, huh?
She shoots him a look. Kyle sighs.
KYLE
Im sorry for calling you a
vampire.
He hugs her.
KYLE
Thanks for playing along, I think
Alvins almost done with this
scenario.
LORRIE
Ill admit, up until the puking, it
was kinda fun.
KYLE
Im glad you enjoyed it.
EXT. HALLWAY-CONTINUOUS
Alvin sits in silence as the sounds of Kyle and Lorries
life and death struggle emit from the bathroom.
Suddenly the noises stop and Kyle emerges from the bathroom
victorious.
ALVIN
Thank God youre alive!
KYLE
Is it safe?
Alvin cocks his gun.
ALVIN
Its probably a trap, but its now
or never.
Kyle turns to Alvin
KYLE
Hey Alvin, since we might die here,
I just wanna say Im sorry we dont
hang out a lot, and if we survive
this we should hang out more often.
Go on adventures and stuff.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.
ALVIN
If we survive? Thats a big IF.
Kyle sighs.
ALVIN (CONTD)
But it sounds like a deal to me.
Shake on it?
They shake hands.
ALVIN
You ready.
Kyle cocks his "guns" affirmatively. But then he looks
startled and turns his head to look behind himself.
KYLE
Did you hear that?
ALVIN
Hear what?
KYLE
Im gonna go check it out.
Kyle shuffles down the side of the building.
ALVIN
Be careful!
Alvin watches Kyle disappear behind the corner.
Alvin holds his breath anxiously.
ALVIN
We have to go.
Kyles expression grows distant.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.
KYLE
No. I stay. You go. Ill hold them
off.
ALVIN
No, I wont let you.
KYLE
We both knew this is how it would
end. Youre the only one who has
the skills to survive in this
world.
Alvin realizes the truth.
ALVIN
Youre right, I am. Thanks Kyle.
They hug.
KYLE
No problem, buddy.
KYLE
Ok. Now go! Theyre coming!
Alvin runs to the bike.
INT. HALLWAY-CONTINUOUS
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.
ALVIN (V.O.)
Dear Lorrie, if you are still alive
the you are not a vampire.
Congratulations!
KYLE
Thanks again for playing along.
Youre the coolest girlfriend ever.
LORRIE
Thanks. Alvin seems like a good
friend. Im sorry hes gone.
KYLE
Gone? What do you mean?
LORRIE
Hes going all the way to
California, you probably wont see
each other for a while.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.
KYLE
Hes not going anywhere. Hell
probably just ride home and come up
with a new adventure. He does stuff
like this all the time.