Christian Larin

Assignment #3

Analysis of Conflict Style and Practice with Defensiveness Behavior

Concepts

Prompt #1: Take a moment to reflect on your scores on the Conflict Styles
Inventory, and respond to the following questions:

a) What was your highest score? Do you agree with the assessment? Name
the style and discuss your perceptions regarding this style with respect to
your own thoughts regarding how you approach conflict situations.
Provide an example from your own life of your experience with this style of
conflict (either using the style yourself, or as employed by someone else in
a conflict situation). Be specific.

My highest score was integrating. I think this is in line with what my comfort

level is with conflict. I am a tenured store manager in my district. I have to be

careful not to bulldoze some of the newer managers when they choose to share

their ideas. My goal is to help develop them in order to be able to achieve our

goals as a district and not as a single store. There are other store managers in our

district that are also tenured. They sometimes bulldoze ideas of some of the

newer mangers or some of the assistant store managers that are in the process of

learning how to run a store. As we are coming up with solutions for problems

that we are seeing in our stores, I try to make sure that we integrate some of the

ideas of everyone. We have all learned by making mistakes. I make sure to

celebrate our failures. When we celebrate our failures we open ourselves up to

learn from our mistakes. If we only celebrate our success, then we run the risk of

hiding our failures and never learning. This falls in line with the integrating style.

I try and makes sure I understand where all of my peers are coming from and the

most important thing is for all of us to learn, grow, and meet our goals as a team.
b) What was your second-highest score? Was it very close to your highest
score, or significantly lower? Do you agree with the assessment? Discuss
your perceptions regarding this style (and any interactions with your
highest score) with respect to how you approach conflict situations.
Provide an example from your own life of your experience with this style of
conflict (either using the style yourself, or as employed by someone else in
a conflict situation). Be specific.

My second-highest score was a tie. I was tied with Accommodating and

compromise. This also makes sense due to the culture of the company that I

work at. Starbucks Coffee creates a culture that we are not disrespectful

towards each other. There are times that I may not agree with a decision that

my district will choose to implement. I have an anomaly of a store. I am in a

mall. This brings different complexities. Sometimes the district will choose to

implement a standard for our whole district. This standard may not be very

feasible for my mall store. I still make sure that we try to comply. My goal is

to help have consistency with standards in our whole district. If I try and it

really isnt working, I will bring up a compromise. Most of the time the

district team will acknowledge and appreciate that I at least tried what the

new standard was.

 c) Discuss one thing that works pretty well about your preferred conflict
style; in other words, what is one advantage for you about it?

I believe that the integrating style serves me well with my own style of

leadership. I want to make sure that my team/employees grow as individuals.

This means that I truly care for them. I walk the fine line of making sure that

they are held accountable, but that I think of them as a person and not just an

employee. My preferred style is falls in line with my leadership style. I use

empathy to try and understand what my partner/employee is feeling and how

I can have them truly understand what I need them to do, change, or continue

doing. The advantage of this style is that it allows my employees to truly see

that I care.

d) Discuss one disadvantage youve found in using your preferred conflict

style.

There are times throughout my career that I just needed to be more

authoritative. During times of high turnover, I need to be less integrating and

just be more authoritative. I cannot be as diplomatic. I have to make decisions

and not ask for input. The more that the team stays in limbo during the turnover,

the higher the stress levels are for everyone. The hard part for me is to learn to

shift gears as soon as we are not in a reactionary mode. I tend to have a lower

power dynamic that allows me to trust some of my more tenured team. There

input helps me adjust and switch back to integrating.

 e) Finally, what is one specific way you could improve your general approach
to conflict? (This answer might include incorporating more of one of your
lower scores, etc.)

My scores where pretty well rounded. My lowest score was 2.5. This was in

avoiding. This is due to the fact that I can live in high conflict. I played club

soccer when I was young. It was a very competitive league. We won state

championships and went to nationals a few times. The coach was a bit abusive.

Looking back at it now, I can see that it was a very verbally abusive situation. We

were always yelled at. We did anything good, we got yelled at so everyone knew

what to do. We did anything wrong, we got yelled at so we can learn not to do

that. There was a lot of yelling and high emotions. This did teach me to be able

to be yelled at and learn to compartmentalize my emotions. This high level of

conflict made me immune to stressful conflict situations. I can go into a very

tense and high stress situation and not avoid it. I have learned throughout my

years that there is a healthy way to deal with emotions. Sometimes it is not about

who is right and who is wrong. Sometimes it is about making sure you have a

great work environment and a working team. I may have strong emotions about

certain things, but I need to make sure that the needs of the team are met. This

has made me be able to balance out when to use the different styles of conflict.
Prompt #2: INSTRUCTIONS: For each of the following five scenarios (a e),
identify at least one of Gibbs categories of defense-arousing communication.
Then rewrite the original statement in a way that replaces the defense-arousing
statement with more supportive language. Then add two of your own scenarios
(f g) following a similar format, based on experiences.

Following are Gibbs categories:

Evaluation vs. Description
Control vs. Problem Orientation
Strategy vs. Spontaneity
Neutrality vs. Empathy
Superiority vs. Equality
Certainty vs. Provisionalism

Example: Girl to her older brother: You dont have a life. All you do is
play on the computer!

Types of defense-arousing communication: evaluation, certainty

More supportive way of communicating: Ive noticed that youve

been playing on your computer several hours a day lately. Im concerned that

you might be neglecting the other aspects of your life. Can we talk about this?

a) Girl to her ex-boyfriend: Youre never going to graduate from high school,
and youll just end up in a blue-collar job for the rest of your life!

Types of defense-arousing communication: Evaluation, superiority

More supportive way of communicating:

I noticed you have not been doing well in school lately. I am concerned that
you will not be able to have options if you dont focus on school and get your
diploma.
b) One person to coworker: You keep whining about missing your girlfriend,
and were tired of listening to you. Why dont you just move to Arizona so you
can be with her?

Types of defense-arousing communication: Control Orientation, Neutrality

More supportive way of communicating:

It seems that you may be missing your girlfriend. The long distance
relationship seems harder than you thought it was going to be. Have you
thought about moving to Arizona so you can be with her?

c) Girl to her brother: If I thought about business half as much as you do, Id be
10 times more successful than you.

Types of defense-arousing communication: Superiority, Strategy

More supportive way of communicating:

You have so many great ideas about the business. What can I do to help you?
Have you thought of keeping a journal to keep all your great ideas organized?

d) One person to her brother: All you do is party. Youre wasting the money
Mom and Dad are spending to put you through school.

Types of defense-arousing communication: Evaluation, strategy

More supportive way of communicating:

You seem to be focusing on having fun instead of schoolwork. I am concerned

that your grades will suffer from you not balancing your commitments.
School is very expensive and mom and dad have been gracious enough to pay
for it.
e) A boss to an employee: Youre always taking time off work to take care of
your baby. Im going to have to let you go if this continues.

Types of defense-arousing communication: Neutrality, Strategy

More supportive way of communicating:

I see you have had to take time off to care for your baby. What can I do to
help support you? How do you think we can balance your workload and
family balance?

f) Your Example #1: This pregnancy seems to be harder on you since you are
older.

Types of defense-arousing communication: Certainty, Neutrality

More supportive way of communicating:

It has been 8 years since your first pregnancy. This pregnancy seems to be

taking a harder toll on your body. How can I support you to make sure you

take the time to focus on growing this third baby?

g) Your Example #2: Your idea wont work because you are too new of a
manager.

Types of defense-arousing communication: Superiority

More supportive way of communicating:

You seem to have some great ideas. I have tried a few of those in similar

situations before. These are the results that happened in these specific

situations. How do you think we can tweak that idea to change the results?
Prompt #3: INSTRUCTIONS: For each of the following five scenarios (a e),
identify two different ways you could respond non-defensively to the speaker
then add two of your own scenarios (f g) following a similar format, based on
experiences.
In your responses, choose from the following non-defensive response styles:

Ask for specifics

Guess about specifics
Paraphrase speakers ideas
Ask what the critic wants
Ask about the consequences
Ask what else is wrong of your behavior
Agree with the critics perception
Agree with the truth

Example: A boss says to an employee: Dont ever treat a customer that way
again!
One type of non-defensive response: Ask what the critic wants
How you could say it: What would you like me to do differently next time?
Second type of non-defensive response: agree with the truth
How you could say it: Youre right; I lost my temper. Im sorry.

a) A mom says to her daughter: If you move in with those other girls youll
just end up fighting with them because you have a hard personality to live
with.

Non-defensive response type: Ask for specifics

How you could say it: What specifically about my personality do you think
wont go well with my roommates?

Non-defensive response type: paraphrase the speakers ideas

How you could say it: I am hearing that you think that my personality and
my roommate personalities will not get a long and lead to conflict. Do you
have any recommendations for me on how to deal with roommates?

b) A husband to his wife: Must be nice to have a day off to just do whatever
you want.
 Non-defensive response type: Ask for specifics

How you could say it: It sounds like you would like a day off too. Are
there any errands that you would like me to take care of tomorrow?

Non-defensive response type: Agree with the truth

How you could say it: I am very lucky to be able to get a day off. I wish you
could be off too so we can spend some time together.

c) A guy to his girlfriend: You spend way too much money on clothes.

Non-defensive response type: Agree with the truth

How you could say it: I agree that I spend a lot of money on clothes. I will
look at maybe having a budget for my clothes every month.

Non-defensive response type: Ask for specifics

How you could say it: How much money do you think I spend a month on
clothes? I have a budget and make sure that I save at least 10% of my
paycheck into my savings.

d) One roommate to another: Youre neurotic!

Non-defensive response type: Ask for specifics

How you could say it: What specifics things that I am doing make you
think I am neurotic? I would love to see if I could adapt to make our living
situations better.

Non-defensive response type: Agree with the truth

How you could say it: I have been a bit neurotic lately. I have a lot going
on at home and school. If you see me flying off the handle, please let me
know so I can center myself.

e) A girl to her boyfriend: Your life is out of controlyou have no direction!

Non-defensive response type: Ask for specifics

 How you could say it: I do appreciate your concern. How do you think
that my life is out of control? What specifics actions lately have lead you to
think I have no direction.

Non-defensive response type: Paraphrase the speaker

How you could say it: I hear that you feel that I have no direction in life. I
understand that you feel like my life is out of control. I am currently
working on school and this 5-year plan. I am sorry that I havent shared
my plans with you and you feel like you have been left in the dark. I will
work harder on sharing what I am working on.

f) Your Example #1: Wife says to husband Why dont you ever do the
laundry

Non-defensive response type: Paraphrase

How you could say it: I am hearing that you would like me to help with the
laundry. I would love to help around the house. Do you want me to do
laundry on Wednesdays after work?

Non-defensive response type: Agree with the speaker

How you could say it: I agree that I have not helped with the laundry much
around here. I am sorry that I have taken advantage of the fact that you
mostly do the laundry. I will do laundry once a week when I get home on
Thursdays! This way at least you know that will be my day to do laundry
and you wont have to worry about it.

g) Your Example #2: Wife to husband I always have to change the baby
diapers!

Non-defensive response type: Agree with the speaker

How you could say it: You are right dear. I have not been changing the
diapers and that burden has fallen on you. I will be more attentive to
seeing if the baby needs her diaper changed. I would also ask if you could
just ask me to change her diaper. Sometimes when she is breastfeeding
and she falls asleep, I dont know that she needs her diaper changed. Just
let me know and I can come in here and change her diaper quickly so you
can rest to.

Non-defensive response type: Paraphrase what the speaker is saying

How you could say it: I hear that you are frustrated that you are the only
one that is changing the babys diapers. I am sorry that I have not helped
with that more. I will pay more attention and see if the baby needs her
diaper changed. I will also come in and ask if she needs it changed an
hour after you breast feed her and you guys are laying down together.