Академический Документы
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By Amanda Walters
Chapter 1. 7
Chapter 2. 15
Chapter 3. 23
Communication 24
Common Goals 26
Bring Out the Best in Each Other 28
Make Love an Action Word 29
Balance Me Time with We Time 29
::: 4 :::
Chapter 4. 32
Chapter 5. 38
Afterword 45
::: 5 :::
How to Double Commitment
byAmanda Walters
When you commit to something, you pledge yourself to it and make your
intentions absolutely clear.
Need and dependency are issues that are strongly similar. Theyre
interlinked.When you need someone, youre essentially dependent on
them for something, whether that something is financial resources, a self-
esteem boost, emotional security, whatever.
::: 7 :::
even come into the question. Need is need, and theres no element of
choice about it when needs, not wants, are the issue, words like
trapped, desperate, and stuck come to mind.
Without choice, either one or both parties are bound to feel beholden to
the other. Questions of inequality get called up.
Well discuss the issue of fear in greater detail later on. For now, I think it
will suffice to leave you with an interesting quote that sums up my point
perfectly.
Ready?
Most people think that the opposite of love is hate a strong, aggressive
sensation of irrepressible loathing and disgust.
To me, love is all about equality: mutual power and the simultaneous
absolute lack of power.
That phrase may sound confusing the first time you read it, so take a
moment to think about what I mean.
::: 8 :::
Mutuality in Relationships
Fear, on the other hand, is all about inequality and powerlessness. Fear
isan essential component of an unbalanced relationship for example, a
relationship where one person is less committed than the other.
This lack of equality leaves the more-committed person feeling fear: fear
that the other might leave them; fear that theyre being taken for a ride;
fear that their heart will be broken.
Fear is an unhealthy thing to associate with your relationship. It will kill off
the love, if you allow it to, and replace it with resentment and deep-seated
anxiety.
For example, lets say that you feel that you need your partner, or that you
depend on your partner, and youre afraid that their level of
commitmentmight be less than yours.
The original, positive feelings that you had about the relationship (love,
admiration, affection, security) are gradually replaced by negative ones
(anxiety, fear, worry about the future, resentment for being made to feel
that way).
Do you see how, over time, this sort of thing will naturally lessen your love
and your commitment to that relationship?
Its not anybodys fault per se, but its a definite truth. Because how can
you be truly, genuinely, effortlessly committed to a relationship which,
directly or indirectly, spawns feelings of powerlessness, anxiety, and fear?
What is commitment?
::: 10 :::
Commitment Defined
Now put the shoe on the other foot. Just as commitment is not about you
depending on your partner, it is also not about trying to get them to
depend on you, either.
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It doesnt matter whether that need is one-sided or mutual: a relationship
based on dependency is going to be unstable, no matter what else it has
going for it.
Spontaneity in Relationships
Remember this: it is not your job to try to make anybody else feel anything.
It cant be sped along, or helped along the way, or forced into existence,
by any manipulative efforts on anyones behalf.
::: 12 :::
To increase your partners genuine love and commitment to you, all you
can do is to be as whole, compassionate, and authentic as you can be: to
be your real, honest self, and to refrain from manipulative behavior.
Manipulation will not help the relationship, or you as a person; itll just
drive the other person away.
These things kill commitment off, not foster its growth. Commitment can
only develop naturally: the best environment for it to grow is one of peace
and trust.
Something else for you to think about (warning: this may shake you up a
little bit), is that if you feel as though you have to scheme, plan, and
strategize ways to convince your partner that youre fabulous and worth
committing to, thats actually not a good sign.
::: 13 :::
I am NOT going to provide you with a program for getting someone to
commit to you, because like Ive already said nothing you can do will
make anyone increase their commitment.
Instead, I am going to supply you with information about your own motives
for wanting to increase the commitment levels in the first place. Well then
take a look at how likely your partner is to commit to you in the long run;
and finally, give you ideas for improving the overall quality and health of
your relationship because commitment springs naturally from a healthy,
loving relationship, not because youve followed an X-Y-Z formula.
If you do feel as though you need to figure out techniques for getting your
partner to be more committed to you, well, that could mean one of two
things:
2. This person, and your relationship with this person, may actually not
be the best choice for you at the moment.
Well deal with this concept in more detail in Chapter Four, but in the
meantime, its just something that Id like you to bear in mind for now.
And now, lets take a look at the reasons that you have for wanting to
increase the commitment level of your relationship in the first place.
Examining your motives will enable you to take the best course of action,
and should yield some useful knowledge about your relationship, too!
::: 14 :::
Chapter 2.
Its always a good idea to examine your motives for anything you do
particularly, your motives for the actions you take which relate to your
relationship.
Often, in matters of the heart (like love), we take action to resolve things
that we see as problems, without really thinking about why were doing it.
Sometimes, this habit of blindly following instinct and desire can lead us
down the wrong path. Perhaps we end up perpetuating a situation that
isnt really good for us, or we end up spending a lot of time and energy in
chasing goals that we havent really considered in the long run.
So what do you think your reasons are for wanting to increase the
commitment level of your relationship?
::: 15 :::
1. Increasing Commitment Due to Cultural Conditioning.
One of the most common reasons for feeling a need to increase the
relationships commitment levels is something called cultural conditioning.
Our society conditions people women in particular, but men almost as
much to believe that if theyre not married, or if their partner doesnt
want to marry them (or otherwise openly demonstrate their solid
commitment to a long-term relationship), then their situation must be
somehow lacking in some important and necessary qualities. Their
relationship must somehow be inferior.
::: 16 :::
Unfortunately, theres a bit of an issue here. Statements of commitment,
like marriage, are just that: outward statements of an inner truth.
If those outward statements have been coaxed into being by pressure from
you (for example, hinting, nagging, asking outright), or are birthed out of
falseness (for example, if you manipulated a higher level of commitment into
being), then that outward statement will be shallow and meaningless.
Well, in that case, then whats the rush? Why not just relax and enjoy your
wonderful relationship?
When I say balanced, I mean that both people in that relationship need to
be in accordance with each other that this level of commitment and this
relationship is definitely what they want.
::: 17 :::
If either person is uncertain to any degree at all then the meaning of
that gesture (like a marriage proposal) is automatically cancelled out.
Remember, the state of being married isnt the end youre aiming for here
its the state of being which encourages the growth of the relationship
into marriage.
Remember the
What I mean is this: the ring on your finger
isntyour ultimate goal. Its merely a symbol
importance of
that that ultimate goal a balanced, healthy, spontaneity!
mutual relationship has been achieved.
Another really common reason for wanting to increase the commitment level
of the relationship is because youre afraid that your partner may leave you.
Now, weve already spent a fair amount of time discussing why fear and love/
commitment are mutually exclusive, so well just briefly touch on this here.
If you hold on too tight, you end up smothering your partner. Do you think
that being suffocated will make them want to hold on to you tighter?
::: 18 :::
NO!
It makes them want to struggle out of your embrace and flee for the hills in
the opposite direction.
The only way to really get around this fear is to learn to embrace the present
moment. This might sound a little simplistic Oh, sure, like thatll work.
There are few guarantees in life. There is certainly never any guarantee
that your partner will stick with you forever not even if theyve said that
they will.
To get over this fear, you really do need to learn to find peace in the present
moment. Time spent seeking the goal, striving for that achievement, trying to
get somewhere in your relationship is essentially wasted time.
If youre afraid that your partners going to leave you, then you need to sit
down with them and have an honest talk with them about it. Even if you
get them to make some sort of verbal commitment to you, that still wont
cancel out the truth that for whatever reason your gut instincts are
telling you that somethings off.
After all, if you were completely secure and relaxed, you wouldnt feel as
though you needed to extract commitment from your partner. Youd
already sense that they were committed to you, and would be content with
things as they are.
::: 19 :::
So: if youre afraid that they might leave you, you need to take steps to
address that issue with your partner. Its not something that you can fix
by playing mind-games and attempting to manipulate them into increasing
their commitment to you; you need to talk to your partner about your
feelings and give them the information they need to take care of you.
Not out of fear that their partner will leave, or out of boredom, or a need
for change; simply out of a desire to rush through the initial stages of the
relationship to get to the good stuff.
Again, if this is the case with your own relationship, I suggest that you
slow right down. No stage of the relationship is any more real than
the other stages the early days are just as important, fulfilling, and
satisfying, as the later, more ostensibly committed stages.
You might end up with the outward semblance of a house faster than you
otherwise would have, but in reality, that house isnt safe.
::: 20 :::
It could come collapsing down around you at any moment.
Even though you might feel as though youve achieved something by hurrying
ahead and saving time, such rushing does not bode well for the future.
Essentially, youve exchanged some time right now, for a lot of time in the
future! At some point in the future and likely, at many points in the future
- youre going to need to invest time, energy, and effort in identifying and
repairing the damage to your house thats occurred as a direct result of
hurrying through the basic construction process.
It could come collapsing down around you at any moment. youre laying
the foundations for your future. The foundations are vitally important to the
structure that youre going to end up with in the long term theyre not
something you should rush!
Remember, just because youve got a ring on your finger, or because somebody
says that theyll stick with you forever, or because youve got a marriage
contract on paper, that doesnt mean that anything about your relationship
isgoing to change. The belief that it will is nothing but a harmful myth.
So relax, slow down, and learn to embrace the moment enjoy the
current moment as it exists right now, both for yourself, and for the long-
term health of your relationship.
::: 21 :::
The Best Reason for Wanting To Increase Commitment
So weve looked at all the wrong reasons for why most people want to
increase the commitment levels of their relationship.
Weve looked at why fear isnt a valid reason; why the desire for change
isnt a good reason; and why using commitment to validate the
relationship isnt a good reason, either.
The best reason for wanting to increase the commitment level in your
relationship is love.
How likely do you feel your partner is to commit to you? How solid do you
feel that your connection is? Can you see your relationship lasting in the
long term?
A technique that might make it a little simpler for you is to consider the
relationship from your partners point of view. What qualities and good
points do you bring to the relationship that would make them want to stick
around (as opposed to needing to stick around)?
As a sample list, here are some of the points that you might think of:
You make your partner feel good just by being around you.
You bring out their best qualities: when theyre around you, they
Obviously, this is just a sample list. If none of these things seem to apply
to yourself or to your relationship, perhaps youve got other ways of
making your partner feel good about themselves.
Or, perhaps you just need to put a little more work into the relationship
inorder to create some valid reasons for your partner to stick around, and
to increase the quality and depth of the bond between the two of you!
Communication
If you cant communicate your own truths to your partner if you are
deliberately withholding aspects of your personality, or youre not giving them
the whole story about your wants and desires, your opinions, your thoughts,
and your personality - then how can they ever get to know you properly?
And if they cant get to know you properly, for who you really are, how can
they ever love you properly or commit to the person that you really are?
Being honest and communicative is the best recipe for a good relationship,
::: 24 :::
hands-down.
Conflict is something that many people shy away from. Because its such
a taboo issue to so many couples, issues and disagreements get bottled
up inside, or buried beneath other issues, or simply ignored because its
easier that way.
Its not always easy to be honest with someone, especially if you feel that
what you should say may challenge them, or may make them feel as
though youre provoking them.
Its really important to communicate to your partner your need for the type
of environment where you and your partner promise to talk to each other if
somethings up and that youll each actively listen to, and really hear,
what it is that your partner has to say.
Good communication isnt about attacking the other person, or about telling
them that theyre wrong. Of course, disagreement is a natural part of any
::: 25 :::
relationship, romantic or not; but it doesnt have to be dealt with as a
fight or an argument.
Ultimately, the greatest thing you can do for your partner and your relationship is
to commit to growing the relationship, as well as your partners own spiritual and
emotional development, and their knowledge of you as a person.
Common Goals
Couples who have goals in common are almost always much more
committed to one another than couples who have separate life
orientations. What do the two of you have in common?
::: 26 :::
You may not have reached the point in your relationship where youre
comfortable having The Talk just yet.
(For those of you that are unaware of what The Talk is, its the one that
centersaround the question, where is this relationship going? Its where
you discuss the life goals and achievements you each have in mind, and
think about the degree of compatibility that those goals have with each
other. Incidentally, its generally a sign of at least moderate commitment if
youre both comfortable even having this chat.)
If neither you nor your partner is comfortable having The Talk just yet,
dont feel as though you have to add to the emotional pressure of the
situation by forcing them into an intense conversation.
You can bring up the matter gently and without creating a sense of urgency
or obligation, or injecting too much meaning into whats essentially just a
casual chat about the kinds of things you both want to do with your lives.
All you have to do is mention some things youd like to do in the next six
months, or year, or five years however far ahead it is youre thinking here
and see if your partner has thought about what they might be interested
in doing, and whether or not their goals might be in line with yours to any
extent.
Im merely suggesting that you have a few casual conversations about the
matter of the future, just to scope out whether your general desires and
hopes coincide at all. This will help to give you some sort of idea where
your partner might think the relationship is going, and will help you to both
sort out your understanding of what the future might hold for both of you.
If your goals are very different, it will help to plan out together some things
you can achieve together that youre both interested in doing.
Common goals and interests constitute a large part of the emotional glue that
binds happy couples together if commitments an issue, you could start out
small, perhaps with a trip that youd like to take in the next six months.
Its a great way to bring you closer together the more experiences,
goals,and interests that you share, the easier it will be for
commitment to just fall naturally into place.
Bring out the best in your partner. Appreciate their good points, and make
sure you tell them that you do! Remember, commitment springs naturally
out of love and its much easier to love someone who makes you feel
really good about yourself. Supporting and appreciating each other is
what loves all about.
Is your partner funny? Dont hold your laughter back allow yourself to
::: 28 :::
wallow in their humor and let the belly-laughter roll.
Are they sweet? Tell them that they are, and how much you appreciate it.
Perhaps they have a knack for making you feel better after a hard day if
so, make sure they know what a difference their support makes to you!
Express your love for your partner through actions as well as words.
Leave a Post-It note on the steering wheel of their car or the cover of the
book theyre reading, telling them how much they mean to you.
::: 29 :::
Maintaining your own sense of self, as well as an interest in all the things
that make you you, is really important for your own happiness, as well as
for the health and longevity of your relationship.
For example, many couples that move in together begin to find, after a
few months have passed, that theyre spending more time together than
ever before, but that the quality of that time has diminished markedly.
Although they spend a lot of time together, most of that time is occupied in
low-value activities like hanging out with a takeout and the TV, instead of
actually interacting with one another.
A great way to increase the amount of quality time spent together is believe
it or not to actually spend a bit more time apart, doing your own thing.
This also relates to the issue of not smothering your partner. Just like you,
your partner needs me time. They need to be allowed to have the
opportunity to enjoy and maintain their identity as an individual, and to do
things on their own.
Not only is making a point of taking me-time a powerful tool for creating
much-needed space and individuality in the relationship, but it also ties in to
the truth of that old adage, Absence makes the heart grow fonder! Giving
them the opportunity for moderate amounts of time apart is a sign of
::: 30 :::
real maturity youre mature and self-aware enough to give them the gift
of missing you.
Ensuring that each of you has access to adequate me-time will help you
to achieve several things:
It will give you the time necessary to enjoy the things that you
like doing (that your partner doesnt necessarily share your
enthusiasm for), thus keeping your interests and your life
well-balanced and full
::: 31 :::
Chapter 4.
Someone whos insecure in a relationship finds it very difficult to just sit back,
relax, and let the relationship grow on its own. They feel compelled to try to
control the relationship and their partners feelings, to check up on it all the
time to make sure absolutely sure that nothing could be wrong.
::: 32 :::
Its almost obsessive, in some cases some people admit to feeling as
though they cant take their attention off the relationship for even a
moment, in case something goes wrong while their backs turned.
This is pretty understandable after all, we all want to take the best care
possible of the things that mean the most to us.
But smothering a relationship and taking care of it are not the same thing!
If you find yourself constantly checking with your partner to make sure
everythings OK, that theyre happy in the relationship, that theyre content
with the way things are going, and that nothings wrong, you may feel as
though youre making an effort to keep things on the right track.
This may be your reality; but its definitely not reality for your partner or
the relationship itself!
What youre actually doing, when you do this, is telling your partner that you
expect something to be wrong that you have no faith in the relationship,
and in your natural connection with each other, to take care of itself.
Youre saying that you feel like youre not naturally suited to each other, and
that you feel like your love needs constant caretaking in order to survive.
Smothering a relationship
and taking care of it are
not the same thing!
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2. Hint-Dropping
Being indirect and dropping hints about issues that are important to you is
not a constructive way to handle communication.
Its hard on both of you, in fact. Its irritating and frustrating for your partner,
who can often tell that somethings up (but cant understand exactly what it is
that you want); and it makes things difficult for you, because youre trying to
communicate something and its not getting across properly.
If you want your partner to commit to you, then show them your respect and
your love for them through your actions: articulate your thoughts openly,
instead of attempting to manipulate your partner through game-playing.
::: 34 :::
Maybe you get grumpy when youre tired, and instead of making an effort
to smile and be pleasant and thus counteract your grumpiness in a
productive, albeit more effortful, way - you take it out on your partner, and
vent your feelings by being snappy and crotchety.
Perhaps youve taken to nagging your partner asking repetitively for them
to change aspects of their behavior or habits, and failing to change your
methods when the nagging proves itself to be useless as a modification tool.
Or do you criticize your partner more often than you realize? Maybe you
find fault with them a little too often, and are a little too eager to articulate
your findings.
There are many ways of bringing a relationship down from the inside, and
they dont all have to be extravagant, large-scale events often, theyre
the insidious daily occurrences which simply erode away your enjoyment
in each others company.
Be aware that these sorts of things actively harm your relationship, and
destroy the bond of love and trust between you and your partner. The sooner
you cut them out, the better. Think about why you might be doing these
things: often, these sorts of behaviors are more about petty, unarticulated
resentments manifesting themselves than a real desire to, say, criticize your
partners unwashed hair/penchant for TV watching over breakfast/odd socks.
Again, its really important that you dont let resentments build up this is
a natural destroyer of true commitment and love. You need to learn to talk
::: 35 :::
about your feelings openly and honestly: assertively, but without aggression.
If something that your partners doing is bothering you, make sure that
you tell them that it does. Dont make the mistake of hoping that itll all just
somehow go away on its own that your partner will magically just stop
doing it, or that youll learn to deal with the negative feelings without
needing to talk about it. They wont; and you wont.
What I mean by this is quite simple: all you have to do is break down for
your partner what youre thinking and feeling.
Then, you can explain that youd like to make a habit of being as open
and honest as possible, so youre trying to overcome your natural
reluctance to directly address potential issues.
::: 36 :::
Ultimately, the solution to any problem in your relationship is communication.
Communicating effectively isnt always easy it takes time to get
comfortable with addressing important issues, and with wording your
statements in such a way that your partner is able to understand your true
meaning without getting bogged down by personal subtexts.
Your persistence will definitely pay off, though the best thing you can do
to engender commitment in your relationship is to commit yourself to the
wellbeing of the relationship and of your partner.
In the truest sense of the word, commitment is about respecting your partner
enough to be honest and authentic with them. This will enable you both to be
your truest, most honest selves, and to love each other for who you really are
meaning that you can give each other the love, encouragement, and
support that you both need to feel and act your best.
::: 37 :::
Chapter 5.
From time to time, you will probably come across people that it will be
difficult to increase the commitment level and value of the relationship
with, no matter how much time, energy, and effort is invested.
Im sure you can recognize these sorts of people when your friends and
associates are attempting relations with them theyre easy to spot, from
an objective distance.
But when its happening to you when its your heart and your emotions at
risk perversely, its often actually more difficult to realize whats going on.
So were going to take a quick look at the types of people who its not a
good idea to get involved with; then, well deal briefly with what to do if
youre already involved, and its your own partner whos having a hard
time committing.
::: 38 :::
Here are some of the warning signs of people who you should stay away
from if its commitment that youre after:
People who are just out to have fun and who tell you that
theyre not interested in a relationship (for whatever reason).
Do not make the mistake of assuming that you can get them
to change their mind about this: if theyre definite enough to
about their stance on the topic to be up-front about it, pay
attention and believe them. Two words: caveat emptor!
People who are with you because they have settled. In other
words, they dont believe they can do any better. They may have
reservations and misgivings about the relationship, but theyre
afraid (at the present moment, anyway) to try for what they really
want. Youll never be able to relax with this sort of person,
because you know deep down that the moment something or
someone better comes along, theyll take off like a shot.
::: 39 :::
What to Do If Your Partners Having a Hard Time Committing
So what should you do about it? How can you recoup the situation and
minimize any potential pain or misunderstanding?
Youre not
Basically, you are going to have to talk to your
partner about the situation and your feelings.
being true to
yourself, and
Some reluctance to do this is understandable you thus youre
may feel as though articulating your feelings will also not being
cause them to run in the opposite direction. After true to your
all, if you think theyre a commitment-phobe, then
so much as mentioning the word commitment will partner.
have an adverse effect, right?
Well maybe. But, in truth, it sounds as though youre stuck between a rock
and a hard place. I think the best thing for you to do is to confront the issue
and you can start by acknowledging, to yourself, the fact that you feel as
though there may be a problem.
Well, it already sounds as though Option #3 isnt actually an option for you
(since youre reading this book, for a start!), so lets look at the relative
merits of t Options #1 and #2.
::: 40 :::
Well look at Option #2 first.
If you arent open with your partner about what youre true feelings, youre
admitting defeat.
Youre saying, Yes, I know theres no hope here. I know that I cant tell
my partner what Im thinking, because my true feelings are the complete
opposite of what he or she wants to hear. Im going to pretend to myself
for a little bit longer (or a lot longer) that everythings fine, and that Im
happy to be in an undefined, uncommitted relationship, because to me
thats better than no relationship at all.
Can you see how that kind of relationship isnt really a relationship at all?
A relationship thats based on emotional dishonesty and concealment
doesnt have much of an opportunity to grow.
And you know what happens when feelings get bottled up the result is
an eruption. An unexpected, inconvenient, and unattractive eruption.
One thats far less attractive, and far less effective, than simply addressing
your thoughts and emotions now, while theyre still manageable.
So thats option two. Now lets look at option one: the one where youre
honest about what youre thinking to yourself, and to your partner.
::: 41 :::
If youve sensed that theres a lack of certainty in your partners
commitment to you and the relationship, bringing up the fact that youve
noticed that lack is strongly counterintuitive: it goes against your instincts.
Its going to make you unhappy, even while youre pretending to yourself
that youre better off in this relationship.
So dont come right out and pin them to the wall with a statement of
neediness and insecurity; but on the other hand, dont beat around the
bush either (remembering that candor and directness are necessary for
respect and love to flourish).
A simple, This is how I feel at the moment. How do you feel about that?
will suffice admirably.
There are two possible outcomes from the conversation that you will have
with your partner, if you pick option number one: either they will reassure
you and lay your feelings to rest, or they will confirm your suspicions that
theyre not ready to commit.
Remember, you cant force anyone to feel anything for you that they wouldnt
do on their own so if your partners uncertain about their feelings for you,
there is nothing you could have done to change their mind or heart.
So dont waste your time or energy in trying to convince them that youre
right for each other - firstly, because you cant (its as simple as that); and
secondly, because there are too many people out there right now,
wondering when theyll get to meet someone just like you!
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Afterword
The thing is, they all boil down to essentially the same question, and
theres only one answer to that question.
You cannot hope to get anybody to truly commit to you if youre not honest.
You need to be honest with yourself, about what youre feeling and
thinking; and you need to be honest with your partner, too, and convey to
them your personal truths.
If youre not honest, and you allow communication to lapse, that is the
closest thing to a guarantee that I can think of that the commitment levels
in your relationship will nosedive.
So start working on your communication with your partner. You dont have
to bite off more than you can chew: remember to break it down for them
into small, bite-sized chunks of truthfulness.
::: 45 :::
Thats all it is. Theres no trick to it. Building a fantastic relationship is as
easy as saying, This is how I feel. How do you feel about that?
So give it a shot. See what you can build out of that one simple phrase.
With love
Amanda Walters
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