Vol 1

The Art of listening

developing critical listening skills for success

Stieve Oke
 The Art of Listening
volume 1

Book and Cover Design by Brandsera Creative Venture

+2348067792681
 Table of Content

Introduction
Everyone thinks theyre great listeners
Its an art so dont kid yourself
Everyone needs someone to talk to
So what does it take to become a good listener?
How to practice and sharpen your listening skills
Great listeners share a few important qualities
Listening: the art itself
In conclusion
 A wise old owl lived in an oak,
The more he saw the less he spoke
The less he spoke the more he heard.
Why can't we all be like that wise old bird?
unknown author
Introduction
A zoologist was walking down a busy city street with a friend. In the midst of the
honking horns and screeching tires, he exclaimed to his friend, "Listen to that
cricket!"
The friend looked at the zoologist in astonishment and said, "You hear a cricket in
the middle of all this noise and confusion?"
Without a word, the zoologist reached into his pocket, took out a coin, and flipped
it into the air. As it clinked on the sidewalk, a dozen heads turned in response.
The zoologist said quietly to his friend, "We hear what we listen for."
In the first few years of life, we're all taught to speak. In fact, it's an important
developmental milestone, a sign that a child is developing normally. However,
listening is an equally, if not more important skill that is often overlooked by
parents, educators, and bosses.
Yes, we were all taught (hopefully) to listen to our parents and to listen in school.
However, few of us were taught good listeningthe active, disciplined kind of
listening that helps us examine and challenge the information we hear in order to
improve its quality and quantity, and thereby improve our decision-making.
Why is this important? Good listening is the key to developing fresh insights and
ideas that fuel success. Although most people focus on learning how to
communicate and how to present their own views more effectively, this approach
is misguided and represents missed opportunities.
It's important to learn the art of listening because it would give you an edge not
just in your personal life but also in your career or business.
Whatever relationship you are in you must know how to listen.
Relationships between friends, lovers, Parent- children, Children- parent, boss-
employee, employee- boss, colleagues can only succeed when listening is
employed.
There is a reason why we have one mouth and two ears. I believe its because we
need to listen more than speak.
Good listening helps us grow, understand, excel in wisdom and WLk in the paths
of solutions.
Listening triggers a process that leads to solving our various challenges.
Yes, listening is an art to learn and prosper with.
Of Course, there are two sides to listening: the good listening transforms while
the bad listening deforms.
But in this context, listening is a tool we use to foster a good and lasting
relationship and communicate effectively with everyone we come in contact
with.
Everyone you meet or relate with need you to listen to their verbal and nonverbal
communications.
If you can master the art of listening, then you will grow in wisdom.
Listening is just the way forward for communication and relationship.
Everyone wants to make friends and influence people. Everyone wants to be
relevant and taken seriously. The foundation and sustenance of relevance,
acceptance, leadership and success is listening.
 Everyone thinks theyre great listeners.
Whats easier than sitting down and just hearing what a person has to say
right? Wrong.
Hearing isnt necessarily listening, nor is it necessarily listening well. Theres a
lot of difference between hearing and listening. The truth is, many people come
to conversations with agendas, whether that is to make themselves be heard,
or to make themselves not be heard, and to actually escape the conversation
altogether. If youre an introvert, you probably opt for the latter.
If youre anything like me you probably find yourself on the receiving end of
countless uninitiated conversations. Although you sit quietly and meekly
listening to them, the fact is that youd much prefer to slip away at the soonest
given chance. The problem with constantly feeling this way is that we never
actually hear the people who speak to us. We dont put our entire attention,
interest or heart into listening and truly understanding them.
Of Course, listening takes practice, what doesn't. Don't ever think you are a
great listener if you have not consistently devoted yourself attentively to
understand and wise up while listening.
 It's an Art So dont kid yourself
Just because youre quiet and you let others do 75% of the talking, doesnt
mean youre a good listener. It doesnt mean youve mastered the art of
listening either.
Did you know that the need to be understood and listened to is a basic human
need, along with food, water and shelter? Well actually I made that bit up.
But it makes sense doesnt it?
How many times have you longed to be heard and understood only to have the
receiving end chewing off on something, shuffling through papers or texting
while you talk? Now do you know how it feels?
 Everyone needs someone to talk to
And who better than you? After all, if youve got it flaunt it, right? If youre
naturally quiet by nature and listen more than talk, why not master the art of
listening? After all:
Youll master a new skill.
People will be more drawn to you and will like you more.
Youll be a better friend, lover, teacher, employee and parent.
Overall youll be a happier person by making other people happy.
So what does it take to become a good listener?
Great Listeners exhibit some behaviors By recognizingand practicingthem,
you can begin improving your own listening skills and even those of your
organization."
The three behaviors are:
1. Be respectful
The best listeners recognize that they cannot succeed without seeking out
information from those around them and they let those people know that they
have unique input that is valuable. When you show respect for other people's
ideas, they're more likely to reciprocate. They're also more likely to continue to
share their ideas, which fosters growth and increases the likelihood of success.
Being a good listener also involves drawing out important information from others
to help them brainstorm and uncover fresh ideas and solutions. In other words,
good listeners don't jump in with answers or give lectures about what was done
wrong; they actively listen and then ask respectful questions that will ultimately
help uncover solutions or plans of action.
It's also important to note that asking respectful questions does not mean that
the questions can't be tough or pointed questions. The key is to ask questions in
a manner that will promote as opposed to hinder the free and open flow of
communication and idea-generating.
2. Talk less than you listen
I have developed my own variation of the 80/20 rule, which is that my
conversation partner should be speaking 80 percent of the time, while i should
speak only 20 percent of the time. I also try to use my 20 percent of the time
asking questions rather than trying to have my own say. Although I acknowledges
that it's difficult to suppress your urge to speak more than listen, with practice
and patience you can learn to control the urge and improve the quality and
effectiveness of your dialogues by "weighing in at the right time."
Finally, let me point out that interrupting with a question from time to time might
be needed to move the conversation along or redirect it. However, I will advice is
to do so judiciously and respectfully so as to not inhibit productive sharing of
information that will ultimately better inform your decisions.
3. Challenge Assumptions
Good listeners seek to understandand challengethe assumptions that lie
below the surface of every conversation." I believe that one of the cornerstones
of good listening is that in order to get what you need to know from your
conversations and make good decisions, you must be willing to challenge long-
held and cherished assumptions. Just because something has always been done
in a certain way in the past doesn't mean there isn't an equally good or better way
to do it.
Again, this change of attitude is not an easy feat to accomplish. Change is hard.
There's a reason the saying, "Why fix something that isn't broken?" is so popular.
In addition, doing something different adds an unknown risk to a venture.Yet,
there also is risk to closing your mind to new ideas. If you always take the position
that you know what's best, you will miss opportunities to discover something
better.
Just like some people are better writers than others, some people naturally are
going to be better listeners than others. However, by recognizing your individual
strengths and weaknesses, and by incorporating these straightforward listening
strategies, i believe that everyone can become better listeners, and therefore
better decision-makers.
 How to practice and sharpen your listening skills
Good listening skills can be learned and improved, and there are plenty of
opportunities every day to practice.
Here are a few things you can do to improve:
Practice mindfulness
Part of being a good listener is being able to be fully present and aware.
To listen with thoughtful attention someone suggests a simple daily exercise:
Sit comfortably
Close your eyes (it will be easier if you withdraw the other senses)
Listen to the sounds that are furthest away from you.
Listen to the sounds that are closest to you.
Now listen to the sounds that are somewhere in between.
Also you should be able to sit comfortably for 20 minutes without:
Fidgeting
Your mind wandering & losing concentration
Hearing the sound of your own voice inside your head
Having a conversation with yourself
Waiting for this exercise to end
Labelling all of the sounds individually
Effort
The exercise might be difficult at first, but the more you do it, the easier itll get.
Treat it like a test
To practice comprehending what you hear, act like theres going to be a test on
what you understood.
This might be a bit tortuous for one-on-one conversations, but if youre in a large
meeting or at a conference, this could help you retain a lot of more of whats said.
That frame of mind will help you pay better attention and think about the right
questions to ask.
Mind the gap
One reason listening is so difficult is the gap between how fast we think and how
fast people talk.
To make up for that gap, as youre listening, review and summarize the speaker's
main points. Then, when they are finished, you can restate the points and ask the
speaker if you've understood the message by saying things like, "What I hear you
saying is" or "When you say that, do you mean?"
Clarify and paraphrase to better process information and make people feel heard
and to force yourself to pay more attention to what they mean.
Try just one day
Challenge yourself to one day of listening;
Today, just for a day, make the decision to listen masterfully, Dont interrupt. Dont
rehearse your answer while the other person is speaking. And dont dare check your
email or search for text messages while another human being is sharing their
words. Just listen. Just hear. Just be there for that person.
Listening can do a great deal for you as a professional and in your personal
relationships. Research shows that good listening skills make us better
collaborators. They also make us better at lots of other things, like making small
talk, managing people, understanding our customers needs, moving up in our
careers, and negotiating.
Becoming a great listener will make others enjoy being around you more and help
you learn more from them. With some attention and practice, you can learn how to
be a better listener and apply those skills in so much of your work and everyday life.
 Great listeners share a few important qualities
They ask great questions
The word listen has the same letters as the word silent. Silence is indeed a part
of listening, but good listeners dont have to be completely quiet.
In a study on the differences between great and average listeners, researchers
found that people who ask questions that promote insight and discovery are
perceived as better listeners.
Good questions act as evidence that youre listening and show that youre
interested in building on what you heard. And beyond mere perceptions, those
questions might help you learn more from what the speaker is saying.
They pay attention to more than whats being said
How someone says something (Are their arms crossed? Brow furrowed? Pitch
higher than normal?) is just as important as the words they say.
Words are important, but words dont always match perfectly to meaning or
action. Superior listeners gather more information than just the words that
people say, and use all of that information to infer meaning.
They dont take word-for-word notes
If you spend all your mental energy trying to capture what someone says word-
for-word, its harder to be an engaged listener.
Typing notes, especially, can make us worse listeners. Good listeners often
forgo taking detailed notes so they can pay better attention.
Use an app instead to catch the details. UberConference and Zoom, among
other conferencing apps, include a record feature, while Ecamm can record your
Skype calls. Many notes apps, including OneNote and Evernote, also include
recording tools. Let those appsor even the Voice Recorder app built into your
phonedo the work, so you can pay attention to ideas and context.
They listen with the intent to understand, not the intent to respond
As Stephen Covey wrote in our section-opening quote, Most people do not
listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.
Good listeners instead focus on understanding whats being said, rather than
thinking of what they want to say next.
You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the
questions you are going to ask, etc, Covey writes. You filter everything you
hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference. You check what you
hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently,
you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes
communicating.
They make people feel heard
Part of listening is making others feel like youre listening. In fact, research
shows that people who feel listened to are more likely to engage in future
interactions with you.
Lack of eye contact during a conversation makes listeners seem insincere,
found one study. And being distracted by background noises makes listeners
seem inattentive.
What's more surprising is that your level of attentiveness can even affect how
the speaker talks. Researchers at the University of Massachusetts conducted
an experiment in a college classroom and found that when students didnt
display behavior that indicated they were listeningincluding an interested
posture and eye contactthe professors lecture was uneventful, spoken
from notes with a more monotone voice. However, when the students
displayed interested behavior, the professor became more lively, gesturing
more often and speaking at an increased verbal rate.
They follow up on what matters
It feels really good when someone remembers something you said and brings it
up with you later. Good listeners make a point to circle back around to follow up
on key points or important issues.
No matter how good a listener you are, you lose credibility if you fail to follow
up on an issue raised in a conversation. It may be one of a long, long list of
things you have to handle, but it is likely at the top of the other person's
agenda. Telling people when you will get back to them is a commitment worth
makingand keeping.
 Listening: The Art Itself
We look at eleven key rules for the art itself.
1. Make Eye Contact.
This first rule is very obvious but frequently forgotten. If you dont look at the
person while theyre speaking, you give them the impression that you dont care
what they say. In essence, it appears as though you dont even care about
them. Simple.
2. Dont Interrupt.
Let the person speak uninterrupted. To master the art of listening you need to
halt any good thoughts that come to mind and let the person say everything
they need to say. Often times people simply need someone to talk to, not
someone who will butt in and give their own thoughts and opinions. The goal is
to shine the spotlight on them, not you.
3. Practice Active Listening.
The art of listening isnt simply about staying quiet 100% of the time, its also
about asking questions. These questions are for clarification, or for further
explanation so that you can fully understand what the speaker is telling you. For
instance, questions like these are brilliant: Are you saying that..., What I heard
you say was ..., Did you mean that .
4. Show You Understand.
Another great way to show that you understand what the person is telling you is
to nod. You can also make noises that show youre in tune with what the person
is saying such as yes, yeah, mhmm, okay. This seems trivial, but its
important to not behave like a zombie and demonstrate some interest and
comprehension.
5. Listen Without Thinking.
In other words, listen without forming responses in your mind. Be wholehearted
and listen to the entire message. Its very tempting to fill the spaces, after all,
our minds think around 800 words per minute, compared to 125-150 words we
speak per minute. Dont miss valuable information by letting your mind wander!
6. Listen Without Judgement.
To effectively master the art of listening its extremely important to withhold any
negative evaluations or judgements. Make it your goal to be open minded 100%
of the time. After all, who wants to open up to a narrow minded person? It also
helps to be mindful of your shut off triggers, which are the specific words,
looks, or situations that cause you to stop listening. This way, you can prevent
yourself from shutting off in the future.
7. Listen To Non-Verbal Communication.
About 60 75% of our communication is non-verbal. Thats a lot! In order to
know whether to encourage the speaker, to open yourself more, or to be more
supportive in your approach, its essential to know what the persons body is
saying. Do they display signs of discomfort? Are they untrusting of you? Does
their body language align with their words?
8. Create A Suitable Environment
It can be really difficult to listen to another person when the TV is screaming,
your phone is buzzing and there are thousands of cars passing by. When you
remove all of these distractions and find a quiet place to sit down and listen, its
much easier to listen empathetically with an open mind and whole heart. Also,
when you indicate it would be good to find a quiet place, you put importance in
the person and what they have to say. Once again, you show care and
consideration.
9. Observe Other People.
If youre really serious about mastering the art of listening, why not observe other
people? One of the best ways to become a better listener is to observe the way
people interact with each other, and all the irritating and rude things they do. Create
an annoying habit checklist, and see if you do any. If youre brave enough, you can
even ask someone you trust about what they like and dislike about the way you
interact with others in conversation.
10. Listen For Ideas, As Well As Facts.
When we listen, we tend to get bogged down trying to retain the facts and we miss
the ideas behind them. For example, when a person starts running through a list of
seven points, the listener immediately begins mulling over the first point, trying to
remember it. Meanwhile, point two is being explained. How he's preoccupied with
two facts and is apt to miss the third point altogether. So it goes through point
seven: some facts retained, some missed, and others confused. Instead of getting
lost in a string of disassociated fragments, make an effort to understand what the
facts add up to by relating them to each other and seeing what key ideas bind them
together.
11. Use The Speed Of Thought Productively.
Because we usually think three to four times faster than we talk, we often get
impatient with a speaker's slow progress, and our minds wander. Try using the extra
time by silently reviewing and summarizing the speaker's main points. Then, when
he's finished, you can restate the points and ask the speaker if you've understood
the message. Questions such as "Is this what you mean?" or "Do I understand you
correctly?" are not only supportive because they show your interest, they also
reduce the chance of misunderstanding later on.
 In Conclusion
Mastering the art of listening is essential for every individual.
It builds up our spiritual, physical, mental and the professional aspects of our
lives.
Think about any aspect of your life, as an individual or organization, as a leader or
follower, as a corporate head or climbing the ladder, as a man or woman. Listening
is the key to moving forward, being effective and efficient but most of all it's the
key to building a winning relationship from the boardroom to the streets.
That is your Edge!
 The Author
A Human Capital Development Enthusiast who has passion for driving individual
success.
He is a People and Organization Expert.
He is: A Coach, A Speaker, An Entrepreneur, A Writer, An Ideator...
He Believes every individual has an Edge!
And that Edge is the Advantage to Greatness!
Feel Free to get into touch:
stephenoke@ymail.com
08037495795
@stieveoke