Ok, so I did not write this story. It’s on fan fiction.

net, called High

Anxiety, and is by EdwardsBloodType
This is a very good story, some of it may not be true but it’s excellent!!!
Comment!!!!
 Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
THIS STORY CONTAINS GRAPHIC SEXUAL CONTENT
(EVENTUALLY), ADULT LANGUAGE, ADULT SUBJECT MATTER
AND STRONGLY CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS, DRUG USE AND
UNDERAGE ALCOHOL USE, and EXCESSIVE MASTURBATION.
IF YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO VOTE, OR LEGALLY BUY A PACK OF
CIGARETTES THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE READING THIS. SO
BEAT IT!!!

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 1~ Returning Home
Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.
Home- Daughtry
~Bella~
We pulled into the driveway, the smoothly repaved blacktop gliding quietly
underneath his truck tires. It looked exactly the same, but entirely different.
The house was identical to how it was when I left five years ago, but it was
creamy/ beige now, accented by burgundy shutters and a newly constructed
wooden front porch. The landscaping was new, shrubs and bushes neatly
manicured and arranged in the lush green lawn. Considering he had been a
bachelor for so long, I had expected the house to look like a rundown piece
of shit by now. It was a pleasant surprise to come home to the complete
opposite.
"Dad, please don't overexert yourself. I can get the bags," I pleaded, while I
watched my father lift the overstuffed suitcases from his truck.
He eyed me sideways, disdainfully ignoring my concern. Charlie, ever the
manly man, was never one to accept assistance or pity, particularly from a
woman. He had recently retired from the Forks police force when had been
injured during a robbery, and his wounded leg rendered it difficult for him to
stand for long periods of time. As a result he'd decided to open his own
private investigation company based in Seattle. It had been doing rather
well, proving to be a lucrative career, as cheating husbands and wives and
their scornful mates were apparently plentiful.
I noticed that had acquired a minor limp, but only because I was looking for
it. His hair had gotten slightly gray, lightened tufts sprouting out from the
sides of his otherwise dark, wavy hair. His face still held its youthful
manliness. When I was little I used to think he was the most handsome man
in the whole world, and that I would most certainly marry him one day. He
was still one of the most handsome men I had ever seen, but my silly,
childish desires to wed my father were no more.
"Bella are you kidding me with all this luggage?" Charlie scowled as he
hauled suitcase after suitcase from his truck begrudgingly, grunting and
muttering under his breath. I smiled sheepishly at him before cringing. The
heaviest suitcase, completely full of shoes was the last to go.
"Dad, I'm a sixteen year old girl, confused about life and social expectations,
simply attempting to navigate my way in this ever confusing world while
discovering myself and trying to maintain a healthy self image. A large
variety of clothing and shoes helps me search for my true identity while at
the same time providing an outlet for self expression and creativity." I
snickered childishly while slinging a large hot pink duffle bag over my
shoulder. "Plus it makes me look cute."
"That's funny, Bells. What, did you rehearse that on the plane? Don't be such
a smartass," he chided. I rolled my eyes at him as he dumped the last of the
bags in the hallway and threw his arm over my shoulder kissing my head.
"I'm glad you're home, Honey. I've missed you."
"I've missed you too, Dad. The house looks great. It's about time you made
some improvements." In my five year absence since he and my mother
divorced, Charlie had the entire house redone. The whole kitchen had been
replaced and modernized; two more bedrooms and two bathrooms were
added to the upstairs as well as the addition of a huge den connected to the
downstairs living room. It was still my home, but at the same time…not. I
loved that the house was clean and new, but hated that it was no longer the
home I grew up in.
"Yeah well, Esme convinced me that it was time to update. It's a good
investment in the long run."
"Esme?" I asked with an eyebrow quirked, pausing as I started up the stairs.
He jerked his thumb in the direction of the house down the block. The
monstrous, ostentatious, ill fitted for the neighborhood mini- mansion that
had been constructed and moved into a year ago by the Cullen family.
The block Charlie lived on was a long, wooded dead end street with only
two tiny houses on it. Alice Brandon and her mother lived across the street
in a style house identical to this one. But this newly constructed eyesore on
the end of the block, set back a few hundred feet into the woods, made the
two existing houses look like pitiful little shacks compared to it. It was
bigger than the home Phil had us move into and I thought that was huge. It
was a beautiful home, but it didn't fit in Forks…at all.
Along with other town gossip, Charlie had filled me in on the changes to the
neighborhood on the drive home from the airport. However, he neglected to
give me specific details on the residents of the Cullen home.
"She's pretty, I gather?" I wiggled my eyebrows teasing Charlie about being
immune to a gorgeous woman's seductive wiles.
"Yes, Esme is attractive, and very happily married. She's just exceptionally
persuasive and good at her job, is all." Apparently, Esme Cullen used to own
an interior design company in Chicago before she relocated.
Whatever, Dad. Pretty woman sticks her knockers in your face and you drop
a mound of dough to redecorate.
Typical guy.
I stopped on the landing of the stairs, and went directly into my old/ new
room. The walls had been painted a soft sage green color, very soothing and
serene against the bright white moldings and trim. There was a large picture
window that faced the street and another that faced the side of the yard with
a partially hidden view of the mansion. I dumped the bag on the naked
mattress of the queen sized black wrought iron bed and opened the closet. It
was big, but not nearly large enough to house all the clothing and shoes that
I had brought.
It wasn't even my fault, really. I had to place blame on my mother and on my
friends in California. Appearances were key to social status and quite
frankly, I had grown tired of sitting in the background in my ugly,
understated apparel with my nose in book, growing envious of the girls who
wore pretty clothes and always looked like they were having such a good
time. And with my mother opening her second overpriced trendy boutique in
L.A. she supplied all the fashion I needed for free. Plus, I really liked having
options. It was like playing dress up every day, getting to be whomever I felt
like when I woke each morning. I liked very much not having to commit to
one specific defining style, so I dressed eclectically, as my mother labeled it.
I opened the top drawer of the newly purchased black desk to find it empty,
as were all of the other drawers in the room. I wondered what Charlie had
done with my old furniture, and all of the stuff I had left behind in my
mother's haste to be free from the binds of marriage to Charlie Swan..
Truthfully, it was weird being back here, almost as if I was trapped in an
alternate universe. I had lived my whole life in Forks, until my mom finally
couldn't stand being suffocated in this tiny town any longer and decided she
needed to "find" herself. It took five states, five different schools, three
different boyfriends for her and five different groups of friends for me before
she finally settled in California.
That's where she met her husband, Phil. He had recently been signed to the
LA Dodgers and with that promotion came a substantial pay raise, as well as
our final move and my fifth school in as many years. They purchased a
tremendous home in a posh, exclusive neighborhood with a pool in the park
like yard, fit for an episode of MTV Cribs. My mother almost pissed herself
when she saw the master bathroom and walk in closet. Money changed
people, but my mother seemed to remain grounded, choosing to earn her
own income with her boutiques. I was never allowed to be spoiled by Phil's'
good fortune, however, occasionally, he would indulge me with something
such as an iPod, or my car.
Across the street from that home resided Bree Fields, my stupid former best
friend turned worst enemy –slash- slut who ultimately ruined my life,
forcing me to move back with my dad. Horrid bitch. Just the thought of her
made my skin crawl. Every morning that I woke up, I wished for her to
spend her day on the toilet experiencing horrific diarrhea. I couldn't even
bear to think of her at the moment, not wanting her to needlessly ruin
another second of my life.
The irony of the situation with me moving back was that Forks, the same
place that made my mother feel suffocated, made me feel like I could
breathe freely for the first time in a long while. I hadn't even thought about
the anxiety attacks that plagued my very existence, nor did I once feel like I
was edgy or irritable being here. I thought to myself that moving back to
Forks was probably the best thing I could have done under the
circumstances. Maybe it was the gray skies or the steady thrum of the rain
that was so calming. Either way, once I got through yet another terrifying
first day at a new school, I was counting on smooth sailing and an easy year
from that point on.
Charlie cleared his throat as he dragged the last of the bags into the
bedroom. There were plain brown shipping boxes stacked against the far
wall, wedged between the black dresser and matching armoire and I looked
at Charlie questioningly.
"Your mother sent them," he said, rolling his eyes with a shrug. "Let me
know if you need help. Oh by the way," Charlie paused at the door. "Alice is
real excited about you coming home again, Bells. She…squeaked…when I
told her." I laughed at that because Alice was quite possibly the happiest
person I had ever been fortunate enough to call my friend and I could totally
hear her squeaking. He disappeared down the hall leaving me on my own.
I thanked him and began opening the boxes. Apparently, Renee went ahead
and purchased new bedding, matching curtains, a throw rug, and various
decorative accessories for the room. The bedspread was white with lavender
and sage green flowers scattered all over it, and I assumed she conferred
with Charlie about paint colors prior to him actually painting. She included a
framed picture of her and me, which made me somewhat sad but not
necessarily homesick
After I unpacked the boxes, I spent the rest of the afternoon decorating my
new bedroom and setting up my computer.
Once I had successfully stuffed all of my belongings into every crevice I
could find, I made my way to the kitchen and discovered there was
practically no food in the refrigerator. Charlie said we'd order a pizza for
dinner but I took it upon myself to make a trip to the grocery store seeing as
how I most certainly would not be consuming a bachelor's diet of frozen Hot
Pockets and Diet Coke for the next year.
Charlie handed me my keys with a scowl and I smiled down at the pretty
little keychain that held the keys to my pretty little car. I had been elated
when we pulled in from the airport and I saw that my shiny red Audi
convertible had arrived before I did, and was parked in the driveway. I knew
it would be salt in Charlie's wounds though so I barely even acknowledged
it.
"It's ridiculous," he said with a half-snort, always one for practicality, not
style. "Gift from Phil?" Charlie practically spat out my stepfather's name.
My mother's remarriage was a definite bone of contention with him.
I shrugged my shoulders. "It was a birthday present- he and mom picked it
out. I wasn't expecting to be living in the wettest place in the country,
otherwise I'd have insisted on something more appropriate…like a jet ski." I
chuckled as Charlie joined me.
I had never had anything but admiration and respect for Phil. Not quite love,
but as much affection as a seventeen year old can have for her thirty two
year old step father. He adored my mom, and he was more a friend to me
than a father figure anyway. But unlike my mother's actions, no one would
ever replace Charlie in my heart.
"You do know that the convertible top is going to get destroyed with all this
rain. You will probably have leaks, and mold and…"
"Thanks, Dad. I plan on getting a job, so I can replace the top, or put gas it in
and take care of my needs on my own." I spoke with a bit more indignation
than necessary. I kind of had the feeling that the new living arrangement was
about to put a cramp in his lifestyle and I could only hope that he wasn't
resentful of my unexpected presence.
Charlie's business was three hours away in Seattle. He also had a girlfriend
who resided there, who he rarely spoke of, but made known to me
nonetheless. When my mom asked him for his permission to allow me to
live here again, Charlie was reluctant, informing her that he was often away
from Forks for several days at a time. She assured him that I was an adult
and I could take care of myself. Truthfully, the arrangement was ideal in my
book.
"That isn't what I meant, Bella. If you need anything, do not hesitate to ask. I
know I can't be here for you a lot of the time, and your mom said you were
independent and mature for your age, but I am still your father and when you
need something you come to me, understand?" I nodded, sort of stunned by
the warm and fuzzy feeling of my father's protectiveness. "I uh… have a
friend who has a job opening if you are interested." He pulled a small yellow
business card from his jeans pocket and handed it to me.
"Big Billy's Party Time Fun? I'm not sure how comfortable I am with doing
underage strip –O-grams," I said with a snicker, while turning the card
around in my fingers. There was a clown holding a colorful bouquet of
balloons on the front.
"Bella, please," he chided, with a disapproving glower. "You remember my
friend Billy Black? Well his company supplies characters for kids' birthday
parties. You dress up like a princess, go to the party for an hour and get paid
in cash."
"What would I have to do at the party?" I asked, with my eyebrows furrowed
at the thought. I wondered if I was to be expected to sing or something awful
along those lines. I could dance pretty well and thanks to all the gymnastics
lessons I had taken as a kid, I could do a neat backbend and a handstand. But
performer I was not. All those lessons provided structure and the foundation
for elegance and grace; however, I still managed to be a superklutz.
"I don't know, honey. What do princesses do?" he murmured, with a
sideways glance.
"Alright, I'll call him tomorrow and see what it entails," I said, slipping the
card into my purse. He nodded, seeming satisfied with my verbal accord.
~%~
When I returned from shopping, a very familiar voice was chirping excitedly
in the kitchen, immersed in conversation with Charlie.
"Bella…you're here!" Alice screamed, throwing her tiny arms around me.
We hugged excitedly, rocking back and forth.
"Hey Alice! I missed you," I replied warmly, stroking a silky lock of her
dark, waist length hair. She looked exactly the same as she did when she we
were twelve…exactly. Well, except that she had much bigger boobs now.
"Oh, I missed you too!" she said, clapping her hands excitedly.
"Bella, what the hell happened to your face?" Charlie interrupted. I
automatically touched my fingers to the bridge of my nose, which had
apparently begun to bruise.
"I walked into a giant two by four hanging out of the back of a pickup
truck." I replied with a scowl, shrugging and rolling my eyes as if it were no
big deal. It happened all the time. I could walk gracefully in a pair of three
inch spike heels with no problem, but smashing into immobile objects and
stuff regularly falling on my head was a common occurrence for me. He
opened the freezer, handing me an old bag of peas as he shook his head in
dismay. Charlie then excused himself with a wave, saying that he was
heading out to Billy's, and that he would be home for dinner.
"You look so different! Your hair is so long." She grabbed a lock of my
newly styled hair and tugged on it. "Wow, I'm so glad you're here now.
Everyone is thrilled to see you again! Are you excited for school tomorrow?"
"Excited, and nervous, you know, first day jitters. Hey, do you and Rosalie
still hang out with Jess and Lauren?"
"Eww, God no. They're way bitchy and totally slutty now. Well, Rosalie is
kind of a slut too, but don't ever tell her I said that," she giggled. Her laugh
was intoxicating; I had to chuckle right along with her.
"What am I going to say, 'Oh hey Rose, haven't seen you in five years, you
look great and I heard you a whore?'" I asked, chuckling. It wasn't such a big
surprise to me that Rose had turned out that way. She had always been
gorgeous; tall, thin and big breasted, her long blonde locks flowing down
like a supermodel. Even in first grade, the boys were ogling her. I remember
in junior high school our gym teacher used to stare at her chest when she
played basketball, and she would deliberately "forget" to wear a bra under
her t-shirt. Rose had always liked to be the center of attention.
"Your car is freaking awesome! It's once of the nicest cars I have ever seen! I
can't wait until it's sunny out and we can drive around with the top down like
in the movies. What's that movie? Oh! Thelma and Louise! Only we're not
criminals…but we could sooo pick up a hot guy like Brad Pitt. I still don't
have a car. My dad says I'm not ready to drive because I don't pay enough
attention to the road, but he's totally wrong. Still, I don't have enough money
saved for the one I want, and I refuse to drive around in a piece of shit," she
said wide eyed, as she enthusiastically helped me unload the bags of
groceries onto the kitchen table.
I stood frozen with an eyebrow cocked at her. I had absolutely no idea what
the hell she had just said but apparently, she was as nuts as ever. Since we
were little, Alice did this sort of nervous rambling thing when she got
excited. It could get annoying at times, but she was so cute that most people
tended to tolerate it. I'd forgotten how…animated she was.
"Do you think that I could get a ride to school from you? Rosalie was
driving me, but she always complains that she has to drive a million miles
out of the way to pick me up, and then sometimes Edward and Jasper give
me a ride but I hate riding with them because Edward drives too fast and
sometimes he freaks me out, but I didn't mind so much when Jasper drives
because I looooove to stare it him, but I don't think he even knows I am
alive." She spoke so rapidly, I was waiting for her to take a long winded
breath at the end which she never did. She kind of made my head spin a bit.
"Sure, Alice, I'll drive you. Who are Edward and Justin?" I asked.
"Edward and Jas-per," she corrected. She pointed her thumb in the direction
of the big brick house down the block just as Charlie had earlier. "Jasper and
Edward Cullen. They are step brothers, and they live with Carlisle and Esme
Cullen. Oh, and Emmett. He's the older brother."
"So why does Edward freak you out?" I asked casually, as I leaned into the
refrigerator to place a carton of eggs on the shelf. Charlie hadn't cleaned his
refrigerator in like, oh, five years. It was disgusting and smelled like feet.
She rolled her eyes and said in a whisper, "He has issues. I personally think
he might be a psychopath. He barely speaks to anyone and he only hangs out
with Jasper and Emmett and a few other boys from school. He doesn't date
anyone either. There is some speculation that he may be…gay." Alice gave
me a wide eyed knowing nod. Her silky hair bobbed up and down over her
shoulders.
"So just because he's quiet and gay means he's a psychopath?" I whispered
back to her in confusion. It seemed like a very big assumption to me.
"No, he's just…he's just Edward. You'll understand when you meet him. And
since he doesn't even speak to any of the girls here, it's kind of assumed that
he plays for the other team. Though some of the girls think he's just a rich
snob who thinks he's too good for anyone in Forks, but that just makes him
more desirable, you know? He's major eye candy regardless. You'll see."
"So are Jordan and Ernest shy, gay psychopaths too?" I asked, sarcastically.
"Jas-per and Em-mett," she enunciated, a hint of annoyance to her tone. "Is
there something wrong with your short term memory?" She handed me a
loaf of bread from the table. Actually, the Prozac I took to assuage the panic
attacks sort of made things cloudy at times, but I was not about to reveal that
morsel of info unless absolutely necessary. Letting people know you are
taking anti depressants for general anxiety disorder wasn't necessarily the
best way to gain friends.
I rolled my eyes animatedly again. "Sorry. Jas-per and Em-mett." I
deliberately overcorrected myself to make a point. "Do they have issues too
or is it just Ed-ward?"
What the hell kind of names were those anyway?
She giggled, rolling her eyes back at me. "No, they are very normal. Jasper
is so cute and he's kind of quiet too, but not standoffish like Edward. Jasper
dates a little, but not much. He is more of a flirt. Emmett is very popular and
he plays like, every sport there is. Rosalie has a major thing for him. She has
definite plans to officially make him her boyfriend by Thanksgiving."
"That's very ambitious of her. Hey, do you want to eat dinner with us? We're
ordering pizza," I asked her.
Her smile faded and she scowled. "Thanks, but I have to go to work. I have
the dinner shift at the diner tonight. But I'll see you tomorrow morning at
seven, okay?" She hugged me goodbye again. "Hey Bella? Welcome home!"
I watched her cross the street and disappear into her little blue house. Then, I
took a big breath and sighed. Alice in large doses was going to take some
adjusting to. I had known her most of my life and it seemed that she had
definitely gotten more hyper as she'd gotten older. Her exuberance was
going to take a toll on my anxiety unless she toned it down a notch.
Once I finished eating dinner, I headed up stairs to call my mother to thank
her for the bedroom décor and to pick out tomorrow's outfit. As I knew too
well, the first day impression would set the tone for the entire year. I tossed
around cute and flirty looks with smart, mature sophisticated ones and an
hour later my room looked like a missile went off, completely rendering my
earlier unpacking efforts futile.
Finally, I settled on my favorite pair of dark tight jeans, a tailored white
button down shirt that I liked to tie in the front over a craftily aged brown
belt and a pair of brown heeled boots with a pointy toe. Stylish, cute, not too
conservative.
I found my pajamas, powered up my laptop, and then I checked out my nose
in the mirror. The swelling had gone down but I could easily cover up the
bruise with concealer. I walked across the room the window to close the
blinds and I fingered the new sheer curtains reverently feeling the silky
fabric under my fingers. My mother was trying to make the transition more
comfortable for me by purchasing the bedding, and I was entirely
appreciative of her efforts.
From my bedroom window, I could see the front and side of the Cullen's
enormous house lit up through the trees. The house was set far back into the
woods, making it look even bigger and more pretentious at night.
I undressed, pulling off my top and jeans, tossing them into the hamper.
Standing in front of the full length mirror mounted to the inside of my closet
door in just a bra and underwear, I looked at the reflection wondering what
the hell I was doing with myself. Tomorrow would be the start of a whole
new life here in Forks…a whole new future. Clean slate, blank sheet of
paper, fresh start.
Dear God,
Please let me have a good year here in Forks. Please don't let me have any
panic attacks and don't let me trip and fall in the cafeteria in front of the
whole junior class while I spill applesauce all over my new boots. Thank
you for my new boots, by the way. Oh, and bless all the poor people and the
sick kids and my mom and dad and Phil and Alice and say hi to Jesus for
me.
Amen
~Edward~
"How are you today, Edward?" she asked, without looking up or making eye
contact with me. I am pretty certain she avoided eye contact as a precaution.
Like looking into the eyes of a lion, I sensed I made her uneasy. I knew it
and I used it.
Yeah, I can be a prick on occasion, so what?
She sat in her ugly tan business suit with her legs crossed just enough so that
she thought I wouldn't notice the visible run in her stocking. Her notebook
was in her lap and the two hundred dollar Mont Blanc pen perched delicately
in her fingers just waiting for me to say something profoundly insightful or
deftly incriminating so that she could write it down, analyze it and cure
me…or have me arrested, which is what I truly believe was her ultimate
goal.
She would be highly disappointed today, as would she be on every other
Tuesday when I sat in her office, trying to whittle away the fifty minute
therapy session with minimal but satisfactory answers to her mundane
questions with as little effort or detail possible. She knew I wasn't about to
spill my guts to her. She knew damn well that I was an untrusting pissed off
kid that was resentful and angry and bitter at the world for taking away the
things that were most important to me.
And it wasn't without notice that she never once led me to believe that she
thought I was innocent. Time after time, with subtle and obscure references,
she would try to entrap me into a guilty admission. I fucking hated her guts
for that. And I hated the last two therapists who felt the exact same way.
"I'm, fine, thank you. And you?" I asked, creepy politeness oozing from my
words.
"Very well. So how was school this week?" She didn't bother to glance up
from her pad while she scrawled notes.
What in God's name could she possibly be writing?
"School was the same as usual."
"Would you care to elaborate?" She still hadn't looked up.
"Not particularly," I responded dryly. Because seriously, what the hell was I
supposed to say? That Forks High school was an unchallenging joke of an
educational institution? That I knew more than the miserable teachers who
were grossly underpaid and resented rich spoiled little pricks like me who
lived lives of privilege while they ungratifyingly busted their asses in a
classroom all day?
All right, Dr. Kate, since I'm bored, I'll dangle the bait just for the sake of
some entertainment value.
Carefully, with a smile behind my tone, I said, "A new girl just moved down
the block from my house. She's supposed to be starting school this week. "
Ah, there it is…eye contact.
Score!
She looked up abruptly, meeting my gaze, quickly averting it, and then back
to her pad. "Have you met her yet?"
"Not yet. But from what I hear, she's very pretty. I am sure half the male
population is planning on staking a claim before she even gets to
homeroom," I said, with a smartass snicker. The males enrolled at Forks
High School were craving fresh pussy, and hadn't seen anything new or
worthwhile in ages. The new girl had been the sole topic of conversation for
the last two days.
"And you? Do you want to stake a claim as well?"
Here we go…
Furrowing my eyebrows in confusion I asked, "And how would I be able to
do that? I am afraid I don't understand the question, Dr. Kate. What are you
asking me?"
"Edward, why did you choose to tell me about her? You could have spoken
about any other event in your week, but you chose to mention the new girl.
Why is that?"
"Because she is the only thing that isn't the same as last week, when you
asked me the exact same question."
She sighed, clearly frustrated with my insolent behavior and lack of
cooperation. "You have been my patient for fifteen weeks, Edward. And
each of those weeks you come here, sit for fifty minutes and say absolutely
nothing. I realize you aren't here under your own volition, but you could at
least make it worthwhile for both of us to come to the session."
"What exactly do you expect from me?" I asked narrowing my eyes at her.
She hands raised in a pleading gesture. "I want you to open up. Give me
something to work with. Talk to me."
"I have nothing to say. My life is completely boring; it's void of any
excitement, entertainment or any real pleasure for that matter. I simply exist.
I go to school, hang out with my brothers afterward, play some video games,
and do some homework...maybe read a novel and go to bed. That's it. That is
my day. Do you want to know what I ate for breakfast or…?"
She huffed with a resigned nod. "Have you given any consideration to
playing baseball in the spring?"
Awww, she's gonna start this shit again? Fuuuuuck.
"Uh, no. I'm done playing ball," I responded curtly, letting her know this was
not a topic that was open for discussion. Not that any particular topic could
necessarily be considered as open, but this one specifically was none of her
fucking business.
"Why is that, may I ask?"
No you may fucking not ask, stupid prying bitch.
I shook my head leaning my elbows on my knees.
Topic closed.
"Edward, I think that this is something of importance that we should discuss.
It would be insightful to…"
I cut her off sharply stating my feelings. "It's not who I am. I'm not that
person anymore, alright? Jesus…"
The popular, all American, baseball playing, good boy next door that every
girl is dying to bring home to their mother died the night I was with What's-
Her –Face.
Done. Gone. History.
Eddie Masen is fucking dead.
Now get the hint and change the subject before I throw that picture of your
ugly kid at your head and walk out of this office.
"How are your panic attacks?" she said quietly, changing the subject. I
suppose the growing hostility in my voice and my obvious tensed posture
discomfited her. I knew I could be intimidating at times. I think that's why
my whole damn predicament happened in the first place.
"Fine. I haven't had one in six months."
"Have you thought about going back on the medication?"
"Why would I do that? I don't need it anymore."
Jesus fucking Christ. This woman…
"Well, I think perhaps it would help your anger a bit, maybe lead you to put
some perspective on things."
I dropped my head in my hand out of frustration, running my fingers
absently through my hair. I really wanted a cigarette and a cup of coffee and
to get the hell out of there. "No, I don't want the Zoloft anymore. It's nothing
but a crutch and I am doing much better."
Besides, I have plenty of weed to calm my nerves anyway.
I didn't need to tell her that the primary reason I went off the meds was
because mixing alcohol with anti-depressants was a definite mix for disaster.
I was not about to have my weekends fucked up too.
"So, no meds then… If I may change our focus back to your new neighbor?
Do you have plans to get to know her as a friend?" she asked, presumably
working to gather some insight on my damaged fucking psyche and my
apparent feelings of distain toward women in general.
Back to the girl again?
"Sure. I think it might be nice to get to know a sweet young lady and then
have to explain why I am so distant only to have her run away from me
screaming," I replied, sarcasm dripping from my tone.
"Edward, you don't need to be physical with a person to have a relationship
with them. There are many ways to be intimate with a woman without
actually touching. There's no need to have bodily contact with a friend."
I want to fucking rip my hair out in chunks.
Don't lunge across the coffee table at her. Don't do it.
I took a calming breath, my fists balled at my sides. "You see? This… This
right here is what I am talking about. What you're basically saying to me is,
'Edward, you can have sex with a girl without forcing yourself on her.' You
want to see my reaction to it. You are waiting for me to get angry, so I do
what? Admit to something I didn't fucking do?" I stood up, kicked the leg of
the chair and spat, "I'm done with this bullshit."
Slamming the door behind me, my chest heaving in agitation and anger, I
didn't even need to look back to see her horrified expression. I wonder how
she would handle this. Carlisle would definitely be getting a call.
I took the elevator down three flights to the lobby as I texted my brother
Jasper. He said he was at Starbucks across the street, so I crossed, glaring at
him while I ordered a double espresso. Leaning against the brick wall facing
my car, I waited for him outside with a smoke while he finished up his
conversation with the big titted blonde sharing the table with him.
As he approached my car I hit the electronic key and paused, staring
disapprovingly at the cup in his hand. Without saying a word he tossed it in
the trash. When I pulled away from the curb, he asked, "You have papers?"
I nodded toward the glove compartment, where he pulled out the package of
rolling papers and began to empty the contents of a zip lock into the waiting
sheet.
"You okay, bro?" he asked. I nodded twice, still highly agitated. He knew
when I wanted to talk and when I didn't. My brothers, Jasper and Emmett,
were the only people who really knew me. My parents knew the G-rated
version of Edward Cullen, and as far as I was concerned, my mom was the
only woman I could trust. I hated feeling like that, but I had no choice on the
matter really.
Once we got into the town of Forks, Port Angeles a distant memory, I had
calmed down and all but forgot about the shit therapy session that had
occurred a half hour prior. My mind was fixated on smoking the joint that
Jasper rolled. He made a fucking mess of it, but I couldn't drive and roll at
the same time, and I'd be damned if I let him drive my car.
We were idling at a red light, while my gaze focused on a sweet little
brunette walking down the street with as ass that made me want to cup it in
my hands and bite a chunk off it. Jasper noticed her too, though neither of us
said anything. She had her head down distracted, her eyes focused intently
on her phone when I noticed she was about to walk off the curb right into a
huge piece of wood hanging out of the back of a beat up old red pickup
truck.
"She's gonna walk right into it," I said flatly.
"Yeah?" he countered. "Fifty says she'll pick her head up at the last minute."
My instinct was to honk the horn to startle her into looking up, but I didn't
want her or anyone else for that matter, thinking I was honking at her
because she was cute. A sexual harassment accusation was all I needed.
"OOOOHHH fuck!" we yelled simultaneously, as she cracked the bridge of
her nose right into the wood causing her to literally stager back a few feet.
Her phone dropped from her hands, the battery cover popping off onto the
sidewalk.
"All beauty, no brains," I commented flatly.
"It's a shame, really," he said laughing, as he dug in his pocket for the bills.
"It's a good thing for her that she has a great ass."
"No, I think it's a good thing for us, Bro."
Once we got home, we smoked the joint out back, ate a late dinner with
mom, and then I headed upstairs to bed. I noticed that there was a pause in
the rain colliding against the sliding glass doors in my bedroom, so I took
the opportunity to smoke. I pulled a cigarette out of the pack walking out
onto the wraparound balcony that joined the three upstairs bedrooms. The
September night air had a slight chill but not too bad- warm enough to go
out sans a jacket. I took a deep drag, savoring the delicious rush of light-
headedness and exhaled out, the damp air exacerbating the cloud of smoke.
The weed from earlier had just about worn off and I was tired as hell.
I liked to take a few minutes at night outside, under the overhang of the roof
to just enjoy the solitude. Someone was always talking, and it was rare that I
was able to get a silent moment inside my own head. I slid down the brick
façade, drawing my knees up to my face, resting my elbows on them.
For the first time in almost a year that I had lived in this house, I noticed a
light in the upstairs window of the house down the block. Must be new girl's
room, I assumed. I could faintly see her image beyond the window,
featureless with dark hair that she had piled up on top of her head. She gazed
out the window for a while and then she disappeared back into the room.
As I snuffed out the butt on the wooden balcony, I noticed her appear in the
window again. This time, it wasn't actually her, but her reflection in a long
mirror attached to the back of a door. I gasped and smirked as I realized she
was standing there in just her bra and panties, her female curves soft and
subtle through the glass and sheer curtain.
Oh, please take it off, sweetie. Please.
Come on…be a good new neighbor.
I bit my lip, shamelessly willing her to take the rest off while I debated on
grabbing Jazz and Emmett to join me in the show.
Jasper would fucking love this shit.
Slowly, as if I was stuck in a dream, she took off her bra, quickly slipping a
shirt over her naked torso to my dismay. I couldn't really make out too much
detail, but from what I could see, she had a great set of breasts, average size,
perky, swollen and all girl.
She was fucking beautiful.
I should really share this, no?
However, I realized that if I did let my brothers in on my newly discovered
show, they would never leave my bedroom at night. I also chose not to
intrude on this girl's privacy any longer than was necessary out of respect for
Charlie Swan, who was a good man and had been nothing but kind to my
family. Besides, the last person's shit list I wanted to be on was the town's
Chief of police, retired or not.
I waited just a few more minutes before I retreated into the house, clicking
off the lights, and having my way with the new girl, before we had even
been properly introduced.
~%~
This story idea was born from two separate articles regarding corrupt
judges who gave privileged minors who committed moderate crimes,
ridiculously harsh punishments. This story is angsty,smutty and deals
with very adult themes.
Special thanks to my fantsatic beta SuzyQ402 who convinced me to do
the song thing at the beginning of the chapter and for her insane
knowledge of baseball, and to Becca( BloodRedLust), my beta
extraordinaire who is such an inspiration.

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Bs.AAA full 3/4 1/2 EE Light Dark
Books » Twilight » High Anxiety
Edw
ardsBlo
odType

Author
of 7
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Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Edward & Bella - Reviews: 14,458 -

Updated: 04-27-10 - Published: 07-16-09 - id:5222490 .storytext { TEXT-
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Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Thanks so much for all the reviews, alerts and faves added. I am so
honored. Thanks as always to Becca for Beta'ing and to Suzy for the
music, the inspiration and the love.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 2~ Moving On
I've dealt with my ghosts
And I've faced all my demons
Finally content with the past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once, I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame
Trapped in the past for too long
I'm moving on
Moving On ~ Rascal Flats
~Bella~I woke with anticipatory butterflies in my stomach showered and
dressed in the outfit I had set out the previous night. Sitting in front of the
small lighted mirror on my bathroom vanity, I lightly layered on bronzer and
cover up to conceal the little bruise on my nose. I scowled, knowing I would
have to purchase all new makeup shades when my tan faded in a few weeks
and I hated trying to match up the color to my hand…it never worked right.
Once I had added blush, eyeliner and a little lip gloss to my face, I focused
on doing something constructive with my hair.
I had just gotten it cut before I'd left California at this overpriced snooty
salon intended for celebrities with seasoned stylists, not teenage girls with a
mere blow dryer and three dollar bottle of hair gel. I had these new, long
bangs that swept over my eyes and lengthy layers cut into my elbow length
hair that automatically waved up in the humidity. Not knowing how to
manage it in this weather, I pulled it back, clipped it up, put on a head band
and then gave up completely, realizing that the rain would inevitable make
any effort futile.
However, once I emerged from the bathroom, I discovered that the sun was
shining brilliantly that morning. Sunshine was a rare and much welcomed
emergence in Forks, and I took it as a sign from above that it would be a
good day.
Before I left the house, I took a deep breath to calm my frayed nerves.
Charlie told me to have a nice day, and I turned back because I forgot to take
my pill in the excitement of getting ready. That would have been a huge,
huge mistake. I can only imagine the repercussions of missing a day of the
meds. I d likely be huddled in a ball in the corner of the lunchroom shaking
and foaming at the mouth.
Alice was waiting outside on my front steps at seven on the dot, dressed in
jeans, black boots and a cute black hooded jacket. Her eyes widened when
she saw me and I watched her scan me from head to toe.
"What?" I asked, looking down at my outfit in confusion.
"Nothing…you look…trendy," she said, looking at my boots pointedly with
a resigned sigh. We got into the car and I turned on the radio.
"Alice, you are more than welcome to borrow anything of mine whenever
you want," I remarked. From my periphery, I could see her grin spread ear to
ear. Alice's parents struggled financially for as long as I could remember.
Her mom was a nurse and her dad had worked at the boat docks in Port
Angeles, until they divorced and he moved out of state when we were seven.
Whatever money he sent, Alice's mom stowed away for college determined
that she would have a career to support herself with and not to have to rely
on a man for sole support.
Alice had very few new school clothes at the start of the year, but in
elementary school, style wasn't a big concern for any of us. However, high
school was a totally different world and life sort of sucked when wheat you
had wasn't up to par with what everyone else had. I made a mental note to
ask my mom to send a care package of the newest arrivals in Alice's size.
"Hey can you put down the top?" she asked with wide eyes as I reversed out
of the driveway. I nodded and obliged, letting the convertible top down. It
was still seven in the morning, and there was a definite chill in the air. I
blasted the heat and took off down the road smiling to myself that I was glad
I hadn't bothered too much with the hair after all.
As my little car hugged the curved roads to the school, our hair blowing
wildly in the wind, I watched as Alice gripped the edge of the seats. Her
fingers were bone white as was her complexion. "Shit, Bella. Are you taking
driving lessons from Edward? Slow down!" she yelled. I was so used to
driving like a speed demon in Phil's Ferrari under his insistence that I
shrugged and apologized before bringing the speed down to the limit. Old
habits are hard to break, I suppose.
"Hey, I love this song!" she squealed, as she turned the volume up against
the noisy wind. Check Yes Juliet by We the Kings was bellowing out from
the radio. The two of us sang cheerfully to the lyrics, bobbing our heads in
unison. Then the chorus streamed in, Alice and I belted out the words loudly,
dancing in our seats, laughing and being silly.
Run baby run…don't ever look back…they'll tear us apart…if you give them
the chance…don't sell your heart…don't say we're not meant to be…run
baby run…forever will be …you and me…

It felt so good to giggle with a girlfriend again. I was certain that it was
going to be a great day.
As I turned into the school parking lot, I noticed that my car was one of the
few that was less than ten years old, and had no noticeable dents. I couldn't
help feeling a little self conscious about it, as everyone gaped and stared as I
drove into an empty spot. I should have expected it, what with driving an
attention-getting cherry red convertible but I wanted to appease Alice by
putting the top down for her. The last thing I needed was for everyone to
think I was some rich snobby girl from LA, because really, I was far from
that.
Alice held her head up with a cheery grin and waved at some of the kids as
we passed. As she opened her door, a car came screeching into the spot next
to us forcing her to pull back the door abruptly.
"Watch it, Xanax!" A male voice called out of the window of the shiny black
sports car.
"Hi Jasper!" she cheerfully replied, as she slid out of the car. I walked
around the back, slinging my pink bag over my shoulder. "Jasper, meet Bella
Swan. She's Charlie's daughter, but you probably know that already, right?"
I lifted my hand in a timid half wave giving a grin to the hot blonde guy
departing his car while Alice continued to ramble on nervously. He tucked a
wiry lock of chin length hair behind his ear before he extended his hand out
to me and said, "Hey, I'm Jasper Cullen. That's my brother, Edward." He
nodded his head back toward the car where Edward was climbing out the
passenger side. I tore myself away from Jasper's piercing blue eyes as Alice's
words from the previous day held my attention. I was more than a little
curious to get a peek of the gay, quiet eye candy that was supposedly the
Edward Cullen.
I did the timid, half- bored wave thing again, but Edward just nodded curtly,
quickly darting his eyes away from me, and skulked toward the school.
"Nice meeting you…" I called after him. He turned slightly to glare at me
before continuing to walk briskly ahead of us. I didn't see much of his face
before he bolted, but he slid on a black leather biker jacket with random
words artistically printed in white over his tall, lean frame. He wore dark
jeans and black sneakers, and walked with a cocky arrogance that I
recognized all too well.
Ahhh… the quintessential Bad Boy.
"Don't mind him; he's trying out the brooding mysterious thing," Jasper said
with a smile. We chuckled and I shrugged my shoulders in indifference.
Not interested anyway, thank you very much.
In the short time it took to walk from the parking lot to the school, Jasper
must have asked me a dozen questions. And Alice answered all of them for
me in her excited chirpy voice. I got the distinct feeling she had a thing for
Jasper by the way she kept laughing nervously at nothing particularly funny.
She also stared up at him in sheer awe like he was a goddamn half naked
rock star while he spoke. That is of course, when she allowed him to get a
word in edgewise.
He was very sweet, and definitely good looking, but totally not my type. He
had this sort of surfer/ all American boy next door with an edge thing going
on, and while that was fine, I found myself automatically attracted to the
jock type with the letterman jacket and the football tucked under one arm. It
didn't escape my notice that just about every girl we passed checked Jasper
out, however, Jasper seemed oblivious. But that was after they all had given
me the once over, me being the new meat on campus and all. To them, I
suppose I was competition. But all I wanted was to get through the school
year without shedding tears every seven seconds, not steal their boyfriends.
I had to keep reminding myself to breathe and look down at the ground, in
an effort to evade the gaping eyes and to not trip over anything in my path.
Brush it off Bella, they are staring because you are a novelty, not because
they know anything about you.
Hell. Six schools in five years…you would think I would have gotten used
to all the attention by now.
I'll never, ever get used to being stared at.

There was definitely lots of gawking, very friendly smiles and eager
questions all aimed at the novelty of the new/old girl. I felt like I was on
display, or more like a goldfish in a glass bowl with big scary faces gaping
back. I gathered, by the size of the school and that fact that everyone knew
my name before I had even introduced myself, that this would not be a
school in which I could hide.
I did recognize quite a few faces, but could hardly remember names. Six
schools in five years made names and faces one big blur. The last time I had
seen any of these people was when I was twelve, but aside from evident
maturation in obvious places, my old classmates looked generally the same.
When we got to the main building I left Alice and Jasper, heading into the
office to register and get my schedule. The first two periods were fine. I was
able to get through them with out any anxiety attacks, near catastrophes or
bodily injuries to myself or anyone else in my path. My heart did race out of
my chest at the beginning of each class, and the blatant stares didn't help my
paranoia, but it was okay. I had survived.
Alice and Jasper were both in my first period American History class, and I
was thankful that I knew someone at least. I didn't sit near either of them,
but it wasn't like that made a difference. The teacher, Mrs. Goff, was
definitely a hard ass and clearly did not tolerate any bullshit from her
students. She practically threw the textbook at me and demanded that I read
the first two chapters by Friday.
Second period Spanish level three was an easy A for me. Senorita Carmen
was a sweet lady with chubby cheeks and an obvious Hispanic heritage.
Nothing irked me more than listening to an Irish American foreign language
teacher butchering the accent.
The class work seemed relatively easy. I was enrolled in a few Advanced
Placement classes, because I had done some of the Junior class curriculum
as a Sophomore last year in California. And since it was late September, I
had already missed three weeks of notes and lectures, but I still knew what
the teachers were talking about.
Third period, as I walked into my geometry class, I immediately noticed the
leggy, sultry stunning blonde perched on her desk talking animatedly with
her hands. Her eyes met mine and she stopped mid sentence, her mouth
dropping before forming a huge smile.
"Bella Swan, you hot bitch!" she screamed as she scrambled off the desk
toward me. We hugged, eliciting a ton of unwanted attention from the class,
before she stood back to examine me. "You look amazing, honey. What a
difference a few years makes!"
Rosalie Hale was never one for subtlety, but she always meant well. I knew I
looked different from the last time I was here. I used to be an awkward,
scrawny little girl with a frizzy bob haircut and no sense of style or clue
really. I was definitely not any of those things now. Time had given me
much longer hair, a considerable amount of confidence, a much better sense
of fashion, and really freaking awesome boobs…if I dare say so myself.
Before the teacher could get the class convened, Rosalie and I caught up
briefly and then she tossed some pimply, greasy haired kid out of the chair
next to her in order to give it to me permanently. In truth, it was such a
comfort to know that the friends I had as a child welcomed me back
enthusiastically with not only open arms, but equally open hearts. I was
grateful beyond explanation.
For fourth period English, I had a hard time finding the class, as it was in the
back of the building and the classroom numbers had been scratched off all
the doors. I immediately grew nervous, sensing my throat constrict and the
beginning feelings of lightheadedness that accompanied panic. I hated this
feeling with a vehemence and even though the medication helped, I was sort
of stuck in this anxious limbo whenever I was faced with something that
made me nervous.
I took a few deep breaths as I leaned against the wall, trying to be as
inconspicuous as possible.
Please not now, please.
Breathe, breathe…
"Hey, are you okay?" I looked up to see the most gorgeous pair of pale green
eyes piercing right through me. His voice startled me and it took a moment
for me to gather myself before I responded.
"Um, yeah, just sort of lost. Room 317?" I squeaked, gesturing to my
schedule.
Edward pointed down the hall and jerked his head in that direction as if to
say, "Follow me." His face remained expressionless while he strode into a
classroom a few doors down as I dutifully followed behind. He took a seat in
a desk by the window while I handed the teacher my schedule yet again. The
teacher informed me that the class was taking an exam on To Kill A
Mockingbird for the duration of the period, so she instructed that I read the
first few chapters to catch up.
My curiosity got the best of me. Occasionally, I would look over, watching
Edward in my periphery, just two seats away from me. He never looked up
from his test paper and never raised his eyes.
When the fifth period bell rang, I met Alice and Rosalie in the cafeteria at
their semi- filled lunch table. After we attempted the lunch line, they
introduced me to Jane and Angela, who sat with them. Jane was a tiny thing
with an angelic face and silky black hair, and Angela wore funky glasses and
looked trustworthy; like she could keep all of your secrets and be everyone's
best friend. It wasn't apparent if Rose and Alice's clique included Jane and
Angela, or if they sat there simply for lack of lunch table space.
I noticed that Rose and Alice both had their chairs angled at the table where
Jasper, Edward and five other boys sat just across from us.
Alice lowered her head and whispered, "Okay, so the big, hot, delicious one
is Emmett...Jasper and Edward's brother. Usually he leaves early with the
other seniors but he's hanging out here today for some unknown reason."
Alice rolled her eyes at Rosalie making it obvious as to the reason Emmett
was there.
Rosalie glared at me sideways pointedly uttering, "And he's mine."
I held up both hands in defense. "He's in my Spanish class, I think," I said,
vaguely remembering his handsome face from the back of the class.
"Relax, Rose. The smaller, cute one is Alec," Alice continued. "The one with
the spiky hair is Mike."
Rosalie opened her water bottle, wrapping her red fingernails around it as
she took a long dainty swig. "Mike is our resident whore. He will sleep with
anything…I mean anything. He has got to have at least five of the eleven
STD's. You don't want to get within two feet of him, Bella. Crabs tend to
jump." Rosalie scoffed, making an arcing motion with her fingers. I was
semi- impressed that she knew how many types of sexually transmitted
diseases were available to contract. Knowledge like that had to take research
or experience, I decided.
"That's Tyler and Ben. Ben and Angela are in love," Alice said, rolling her
eyes as Angela giggled across the table. "And you met Jasper and Edward
this morning. That's anyone that is important. Well, except for Edward, even
though he's gaspy, he's a complete waste of time." Alice waved her hand in
disgust.
"That's it?" I said disenchanted, with a sour face. "Seven worthwhile boys in
the whole school? And two who are apparently taken; one who's a sexual
biohazard and the other who is a social misfit? Wow, talk about limited
options."
Not that I had any intention of rounding up a boyfriend any time soon, but a
decent selection for the future would be nice nevertheless.
Highly disappointing.
"Oh, there are a slew of very fuckable seniors, but apparently Seniors don't
have relationships with underclassmen. They just want to fuck ..." Rose said
in a tone that was highly acidic if not scornful. Alice shot me a look that was
half grimace half scowl, and clearly meant change the subject fast. I took it
as a sign that maybe Rose had experience there as well.
"Uh…what the hell is gaspy?" I asked, taking a bite of my bagel.
"Gaspy. It's like 'dreamy', but only a verb. Like he's so hot you have to gasp
when you see him," Alice explained.
"That's not a real word, Alice," Rosalie scolded, as she pointed to each table
slowly identifying each one. "Nerds and Geeks…Jocks…Kick Line… Emos
and Goths…Band…Skanks…The Cullen Boys and Us. That's it. Everyone
in this school is mostly just a waste of air," she said indifferently, biting into
an apple.
At the mention of Kick Line, Alice stuck her finger down her throat with a
gagging sound, and when Rose said Emos and Goths, Jane muttered,
"Fucking vampire wannabes," from across the table.
I glanced over at the table Rosalie labeled as Skanks, and noticed that
Lauren Mallory, and Jessica Stanley were amongst the faces I recognized.
There were two other girls, a blonde and a redhead with big boobs sitting
with them.
That, however, was the bullshit part of high school that I loathed. The
labels…the groupings…the fact that if the Goths and Emos sat at a lunch
table with the Nerds, the universe would implode. It was all so annoying and
socially limiting.
Jasper caught me looking over at their table and playfully winked. I rolled
my eyes at his overtly sexual gesture and he laughed a little. Edward glanced
behind him and shook his head, clearly annoyed. Alice shifted
uncomfortably in her chair at the noticeable exchange, and I was happy to
avoid any further awkwardness when the bell rang.
She and Rosalie matched my schedule against their own and we found that I
had gym with Alice, Rose and Angela last period. I was practically doing
back flips for that. As we emptied out of the cafeteria, Emmett approached
Rosalie, holding her behind the group to talk to her. They made a really
stunning couple, if in fact they actually were one.
I checked my schedule for my next class and found that I had to go all the
way across the building to the science wing for Biology. And I was already
running late.
After I handed Mr. Banner my papers, he motioned for me to sit at the empty
lab table to the right of the class. I sat there at the table alone, completely
irritated. It kind of annoyed me that I had to sit by myself considering I
knew we were supposed to have lab work and without a lab partner that just
sucked. I was the squeamish type for certain. I was not about to cut a frog
open unassisted, and really, who the hell was going catch me when I fainted
during blood typing?
Mr. Banner began to write notes on the board, so I dutifully took out my
crisp new notebook and began to copy with the only pen I could find in my
bag. It had a hot pink feather puff on the end of it and it was stupid looking
but wrote really smoothly.
The door opened, and in loped a sopping wet Edward Cullen. "You are tardy,
Mr. Cullen," Mr. Banner scolded. Edward muttered something to him,
handing Mr. Banner a soggy piece of paper before walking swiftly to his
seat…right next to me.
And the Bad Boy is my lab partner...fantastic.
As he sat down in the stool beside me, he didn't even bother to glance over.
So I said, "Hey," and he turned slightly and muttered an annoyed, "Hey," in
response. I nodded and thought to myself, friendly little sucker.
I could smell the strong odor of cigarettes and new leather mixed in with his
cologne and the dampness from the rain that had settled on his clothes. It
wasn't unpleasant, and I found I rather enjoyed the scent of Au de Derelict.
I took my notes, my hand cramping up from the excessive writing.
Thanks for the carpal tunnel, Mr. Banner.
Just give us a freaking ditto, already. Jeez.
Once the bell rang, Edward sprinted up out of his seat and disappeared out
the door. I just stood at my desk gathering up my belongings and shook my
head at his oddity. I headed off to study hall, which was held in the upstairs
part of the library where everyone was expected to be silent. There was a
sign in sheet monitored by a teacher who looked like a Rastafarian. He had
smooth chocolate skin and dread locks. He was immersed in a newspaper
and didn't even bother to look up. I signed in, asked for the bathroom pass
and went to hide in one of the back stairwells, while I called the number on
the business card that Charlie had given me.
I never ditched class, but really, it was my first day, so what the hell was I
going to study?
I spoke to Billy, who talked briefly about how he couldn't believe that I was
a teenager already before he informed me of the requirements and details of
the job. It was just as Charlie had said, I would dress up, go to the birthday
party, hand out lollipops, wave and jump around like an idiot and then go
home. It sounded easy enough, and the best part was that although the
parties were right smack in the middle of day on Saturday or Sunday, it was
only two hours from start to finish and he was paying in cash.
I would make a hundred dollars for two hours of work, which was more than
the other staff received. But seeing as how I was his closest friend's daughter
and all, he was willing to give me a higher salary. We agreed that I would
come in on Saturday afternoon to accompany one of the other girls to a party
to see how it was done, and then I could decide if I wanted the job.
My last period was gym and I trudged off to the locker rooms to meet up
with the girls. I sent a silent sentiment of gratitude to the person who
decided that Forks high school phys ed classes did not have the dreaded
assigned polyester uniforms.
I cringed my way through the volleyball games that had already had set
teams. I may have been a cheerleader once upon a time, but an athlete I was
not. I kind of just stood there avoiding the occasional wayward ball until the
coach instructed me to "put some effort into it." I gave him some mock
enthusiasm as I waved my arms in the air and rolled my eyes. Alice ducked
when a rogue ball came flying our way and unfortunately, whacked me in
the head.
Rosalie was on the girl's varsity volleyball team, so she played with the
hardcore players across the gym, while Alice, Angela and I were stuck with
the fools who could care less.
And then I noticed that Edward and Jasper were playing on the team across
the gym opposite Rosalie. Jasper waved and both Alice and I waved back. I
smiled, knowing that even though I sucked ass at sports, at least I had a nice
view of something pretty to look at while I was ducking flying balls.
Sweaty eye candy.
By the end of the day, I didn't feel panicky at all, just edgy. I had made it
through the day unscathed for the most part, but I really felt like I needed to
relax my nerves. Alice had to run to her locker on the third floor, but she said
she would meet me outside at the car.
When I headed out to the parking lot, Jasper was leaning against his car
parked next to mine. I threw my bag in the back seat and approached him
with trepidation. Swallowing back a gulp of nervousness, I smiled and took
a deep breath.
"Hey Bella, you survived your first day, huh?" he said with a smile. It
surprised me how much I liked this guy. Not in a romantic way, though he
was definitely cute.
"Yeah, still alive, just a little tense. I was wondering…" I said in a lowered
whisper, as I leaned into him, "if you knew anyone with… weed?" I said the
word weed so low he could barely hear me.
A slight smirk covered his face. "You smoke?" he asked, with one eyebrow
cocked.
"Now and then… mostly when I'm stressed. Today was kind of…one of
those days," I explained, as in my periphery I saw Edward approaching.
Jasper said to him, "It's open." Edward brushed past me without
acknowledgement and sat in the passenger seat shutting the door behind
him.
"I actually have some on me. How much do you need?" he asked.
It began to drizzle lightly, so I zipped up my cute little black jacket and put
up my hood. "Just a joint, I guess," I said shrugging, feeling like such a
druggie dirt bag, but relieved nonetheless for the convenience of it all.
"Do you want some company or do you prefer to smoke alone?" he asked,
pushing away from his car with his foot.
"Oh, um…company would be great," I responded cheerfully, surprising
myself how quickly and enthusiastically I answered.
Jasper smiled and said, "I'll meet you at your house in twenty. And lose
Xanax." He tossed his head toward the school where Alice was skipping
across the lot. I nodded and got into my car, just as Alice jumped in the
passenger seat.
"Were you just talking to Jasper? What did he say? Isn't he great?" She was
out of breath and wide eyed as she settled into the seat. I was pretty sure
Alice was not a smoker, considering her mom being a nurse and the fact that
Jasper asked that I "lose" her.
I declined to mention my conversation with Jasper, and simply said we were
just talking about how my day was. I felt like shit really, because I knew that
Jasper clearly felt indifferent towards Alice, and by the nickname he gave
her, I got the distinct feeling she annoyed the piss out of him. I also felt like
a delinquent, and it wasn't that way for me at all. Even though it was a fun
experience to get high, the main purpose for me smoking was that the weed
helped ease some of my anxiety. It sucked living like that, always tense and
scared of an attack coming on.
Bree that dumb bitch, turned me on to it back home, and it was the only
thing she did for me that didn't leave me begging for mercy. Not that my
occasional pot smoking was any good for me, but like I said, it helped with
my issues.
I dropped Alice off at the diner in town for her shift, and headed toward
home, grateful, but feeling terribly guilty that I didn't have to worry about
hiding from her.
Jasper's car sat in front of my house idling. I parked my Audi in the
driveway, and walked over to the driver's side window waiting for Jasper to
let me know what the plan was.
"Where are we going?" I asked, as Jasper shut the engine and got out of his
car. Edward got out of the passenger side and slammed the door.
"In the woods behind your house is an old fort." he said pointing. I
snickered, knowing exactly what he was talking about. Charlie built me the
swing set with the connected tree house when I was five. I held tea parties
and played with dolls back there, while he fished in the river that was now a
part of the Cullen's property. Back when I was five, the land didn't belong to
anyone but the state wildlife preserve.
"That's not a fort. It's my Dream House," I said chuckling, as the three of us
walked through the gate into my back yard.
"That explains the dolls." Edward finally spoke. His voice startled me again.
"Hope there was no sentimental attachment," Jasper added apologetically. I
laughed again and shook my head, not entirely understanding what he
meant. I could hear Edward snickering under his breath as we walked the
long overgrown path that cut through the woods between our houses. The
wet leaves sloshed noisily underneath our feet, soaking my beautiful boots.
I hadn't been back there in ages. The tree house was still pretty much the
same, only the pretty little window boxes with the plastic tulips had been
ripped off and there were scorched, naked Barbie dolls strewn about the
ground. The two yellow swing seats and the chained tire swing were still
intact though. That was my favorite part. As a kid, I would spend countless
hours swinging, the soothing motion eliciting the greatest of daydreams and
stories that I would conjure up in my head. It occurred to me that even at
seven years old, I was looking to escape my real life in some way.
"What the hell did you do to my Pretty Princess Barbie?" I demanded,
picking up her royally charred plastic corpse off of the muddy ground. Her
blonde hair had been singed to the scalp rendering her bald. Edward laughed
again, but this time it was a wholehearted belly laugh and I couldn't help but
join him when I heard the sound.
Jasper said, "Emmett has a thing for fire. We come back here to smoke,
because it's private, and Emmett went hog wild with his lighter one day. We
didn't know the dolls actually belonged to anyone, so uh…sorry about that."
I shook my head and tossed poor Pyro Victim Barbie into the bushes,
climbing up the ladder into the tree house behind Jasper. The three of us sat
on the cold wood floor, while Edward pulled out a zip lock bag of marijuana
and a pack of E-Z Widers.
I looked around my old tree house that Alice and Rosalie and I had spent
countless hours hiding out in, talking about boys and school and Alice's dad
leaving. Sometimes Jess and Lauren would come too when we were in
Elementary school, but they were never as close to me or as relevant as Rose
and Alice were.
Charlie had constructed the set for my fifth birthday. He built it all by
himself, grumbling and grunting as he lifted and screwed the large wooden
beams together. He added wood to the structure, so that the house part had
been entirely closed off to the elements. It was supposed to be painted pink,
but since it was always so rainy, my dad never found the opportunity to get it
done. In an effort to make it more homey, my mom had placed a small table
with chairs in there and she hung cute framed pictures of kittens on the
walls. Everything was gone now.
Jasper handed Edward a magazine that had been stashed in the corner, as
Edward began to roll the joint. I watched his long fingers maneuver the
paper quickly and skillfully, like he had been doing it for years. The joint
was perfect. Symmetrically even and round, almost as if it was a cigarette
coming out of a pack of Marlboro's. When he finished, he stuck his tongue
out and licked the length of the cigarette.
My breath hitched watching his tongue stroke the length of the joint and I
was instantly embarrassed and confused at the same time. It was the first
time all day I had actually really looked at Edward's face. I realized that he
was stunningly beautiful in a very masculine way.
His eyes seemed to have held so much anger in them. They were the most
startling shade of green, almost artificial, as if he wore colored contacts. I
had never seen a shade of green so pale, resembling the color of the beach
glass my mother and I would often find along the shore. And his face was
absolutely perfect. His strong jaw line was clean shaven and smooth. He had
perfect full lips and long, dark spidery eyelashes. His hair was a wild
disarray of dark brown that sort of met in the middle like a messy faux
Mohawk. He was actually pretty, for a boy. But he also had this sexy
maturity to his face, whereas Jasper still had a boyish roundness about him.
He put the joint to his mouth pausing as he looked up at me through his
long, dark eyelashes. In a voice that was bordering on sweet he asked, "Can
you do me a favor?" My eyes met his and I smiled, thinking for a split
second that we were sharing a moment or something. "Wipe that shit off
your lips, please."
He lit up the joint, took a deep drag and held the smoke in his mouth. With
the back of my hand pressed firmly to my mouth, I wiped off my semi-sticky
blush colored lip gloss as he passed the joint to Jasper. I glowered at him,
disappointed in his deceitful demeanor and in myself, for thinking he was
going to say something nice to me.
The heady scent of the pot mixed in with the boy's cologne and wet leather
jackets was intoxicating, comforting, and familiar all at the same time.
Jasper inhaled the joint in three long consecutive sucks. "This is strong shit,
don't take too much," he said, in a voice that was strained, raspy and full of
smoke. He passed the joint to me and I fingered the marijuana cigarette
reverently in my hands before bringing it to my lips.
"Whoa, this is strong," I rasped, choking back the thick aromatic smoke that
filled my mouth and lungs. It had been a while and my throat burned
slightly. "Wow, this is impressive." I said genuinely, as I held the joint in
front of me, examining its perfection.
Jasper laughed and said, "Edward has very talented fingers." I looked up at
Jasper and smirked, slightly embarrassed that my mind diverted his
statement to a sexual innuendo.

He did not just say that, did he?

I passed Jasper the joint and glanced at Edward who was looking down at
his lap and shaking his head in annoyance.
"Dick," Edward muttered, elbowing Jasper in his ribs.
"Good to know," I smirked, adding to the awkwardness. Jasper laughed
again and passed the joint back toward Edward's waiting hand.
"I meant," Jasper said, glaring at Edward, "he has a gift with his hands in
general. Edward plays the piano, and he pit..."
Before Jasper could finish his sentence, Edward glared at him angrily and
said sharply, "Bro…" His tone clearly meant, shut the fuck up.
Jasper shook his head and brushed it off.
Honestly, that genuinely surprised me. I did not expect Edward to be a piano
player. That seemed to be such an elegant, classy instrument to play, and
Edward did not strike me as having the probability for either of those traits.
And if I hadn't been feeling the effects of the ridiculously strong weed, I
would have pressed about what else Edward was so good at before he
abruptly cut Jasper off.
The last pass went back to me. I took another deep drag, held it in for as long
as the lack of air would allow and I breathed out the smoke into the moist
air. We sat for a while in silence, enjoying our high and disconnected states.
I looked at them both, heavy lids over their bloodshot eyes. They were both
so gaspy it made me want to cry and sing love songs out of my bedroom
window. I definitely was able to see what Alice saw in Jasper. But I was still
wrestling with what I saw in Edward.
Beautiful, but painfully sad and not very nice.
I leaned back on the wood panels and picked up the magazine Edward rolled
the joint on. "Glamour? Is this yours?" I asked jokingly, as I leafed through
it. Edward snickered, and his whole slumped over body shook silently with
the laugh.
At the same time they both blurted out, "It's Emmett's." Jasper was lying
back on his elbows with his long legs crossed in front of him. He let out a
little chuckle, which got Edward laughing harder.
Not quite understanding the amusement of the joke, I said, "He seems more
like a Teen Vogue kind of boy." Then the two of them were rolling. Their
laughs were so infectious, I had to join in. It was so cute really, seeing them
clutch their sides and shaking on the ground in hysterical fits.
"Teen Vogue," Edward muttered through a stifled laugh, then the two of
them burst out laughing again.
Jasper said through giggles, "Emmett bought the magazine because it had
tips on how to perfect oral sex techniques."
Hmmm…Interesting..
Mental note to mention that to Rosalie
I laughed with them as I realized the leather in my boots had soaked up a lot
of water, and was slowly seeping into my socks. I unzipped a boot, pulling it
off as Jasper and Edward looked at me incredulously.
"What?" I asked, placing my boot in the corner of the house. "My boots are
wet, and no, my feet do not smell. Besides, this is my house, remember? I
should be charging you back rent and property damage for all your time
spent destroying my beautiful house. And you killed all my fake tulips and
the pretty little flower boxes they lived in. And…besides all of that, your
pyromaniacs burned my Pretty Princess Barbie to death and made her bald
and …I am just really freaking baked right now, so tell me to shut the fuck
up and I will." I stuck my tongue out at them while they watched me remove
my boots as if it were the most interesting thing they had ever witnessed.
They began to laugh hysterically again staring at my very bright, admittedly
very odd socks.
"Are those pigs?" Edward asked pointing.
"Oh shut up. I like my socks. Do not mock the piglets." I laughed, wiggling
my toes, each one of them adorned with pink piglet faces. I rolled my eyes
as they continued to laugh wildly at my socks.
When their chuckles eventually died down, I looked at them both and
cocked my head to the side admiring the boys in front of me. I was really
high- the kind of stoned that was confusing and fuzzy and fun and made my
head feel full of air and water and sparkles like a giant snow globe.
"You know, you guys look nothing alike. Like the three of you grew up on
entirely different sides of the planet."
Edward's eyes met mine as he silently pulled off the barcode label on his
clear plastic lighter. Jasper said, "Well, I look like my mom, and Emmett
looks like our dad and Edward's mom is married to our dad, and Edward
looks like her sort of, soooo yeah, none of us look anything alike. Wow, I am
fucking baked too," he added chuckling.
"I look like my father," Edward said quietly, without looking up. I furrowed
my brows at his words. They were soft spoken yet definitive and I sensed an
innate mark of sadness.
"Oh. How long have your parents been together?" I asked, realizing too late
in my stoned state that I probably should have taken the opportunity to
change the subject.
"Twelve years. We were both five when they got married." Jasper replied. I
was intrigued. I wanted to know about Jasper and Emmett's mother and
Edward's biological father and where they were, but considering I had met
them only hours prior, I thought that maybe it was too presumptuous to ask.
Some time passed and we were chatting about school and the fact that I had
someone I knew in almost every one of my classes. They began talking
about a stupid workout regimen, and in my fuzzy brain, I lost interest,
picking up the magazine in front of Edward.
As I leafed through it, I passed an article that read, "What Type of Dog Are
You?" It was actually one of those nonsensical quizzes that were designed to
match your personality with inanimate objects. Like if you were a quiet
person, you resembled a chair, or some thing dim-witted like that.
"Hey, what kind of dog are you?" I directed the question to no one specific.
Jasper looked up at me and said a slightly slurred, "Scuse me?"
"What kind of dog… like if I was dog I think I might be a Pomeranian. Or a
Bischon Frise."
"Oh," Jasper said, understanding. "Um, maybe a Great Dane." He said it
matter of factly, closing the statement with a decisive nod.
Edward turned to him and said flatly, "You are in no way a Great Dane.
More like a terrier or some shit."
"Fuck you, Dick. What kind of dog do you think you are?" Jasper spat.
"I'm not a dog at all. I…am a mountain lion." Edward held his hands up
curling his fingers like claws while he bared his teeth in a snarl. He did it
with such unbridled enthusiasm that Jasper and I threw our heads back in
laughter.
"I'll give you one guess what kind of dog Xanax is," Jasper said quietly
wearing a wry smile on his face.
Edward and I both muttered, "Chihuahua." That got the laughter started all
over again. Proof that everything is much funnier when you are high.
I scolded them for making fun of Alice, which they blatantly ignored. We
made small talk after that, getting to know each other and asking harmless,
non invasive questions. The conversation was mainly between Jasper and I
with an occasional snicker, snort or scowl from Edward. But he did not
actually verbally participate in the conversation.
While Jasper and I spoke, Edward leaned back against the wooden panels
and played with his lighter, turning it back and forth while watching the fluid
drain in and out of the chambers.
"So, what made you move back here, anyway?" Jasper asked. It was the one
question he didn't ask me that morning. It was the one question I was hoping
to avoid entirely.
"Um, I had someone hurt me badly and it just made life really hard, so I
came here…to kind of start over... get away from the daily reminders." I let
out a winded breath and sighed at the memory.
Good girl, Bella. You did it.
It was the most evasive explanation I could find while being entirely
truthful. Edward looked up at me from his entertaining lighter turns and
brought his finger to his lips. It looked as if he wanted to say something, but
changed his mind. I knew Jasper was itching to have me elaborate on it, but I
wasn't ready to let them in on why I fled California. Not just yet, but maybe
I would someday.
Once the sky grew dark, and we realized that we were all parched and
starving, we parted ways at the trail outside the tree house toward our
respective homes. Before we left, I asked Jasper if I could give him money
for the weed, and he scoffed at my offer, saying that Cullen boys never let
girls pay for anything.
I headed back home to an empty house, thankful that Charlie was working
late on a case. I didn't mind being alone, and truly, it was a perfect
arrangement for the teenager who didn't want to be bothered with parental
interference. Not that Charlie ever interfered, but I was stoned, so it was in
my best interest that he not be around to witness that.
As I finished a slice of my leftover pizza, my high gradually wore off and I
thought about how much fun I had today. It had been literally seven months
since I'd been social with kids my own age and I hadn't realized how much I
had missed the interaction. And for the first time in my life, I had actually
made guy friends. Not an easy task for me, in truth. Girls were usually a
cinch, but guys only seemed interested in one thing from me, and being
friends was not it.
I headed upstairs to check my email and pick out the next day's outfit.
Dear God, thank you so much for getting me through the day without any
major fail. I would greatly appreciate it if you could do that tomorrow and
Friday as well. Please help all the starving kids in Africa and end the war
soon, and look after Mom and Phil, Dad, Alice, Rose, Jasper, Emmett and
Edward. Oh, and please not have let the rain have done too much damage to
my new boots because I love them.
Looking in the mirror, I smiled a bit wider knowing that moving to Forks
may have just been the best decision I could have ever made.
Amen
Later on, with my anxiety a distant memory, I thought of Edward's face as I
drifted off to sleep. His sad green eyes haunted my dreams and surprisingly,
made an appearance in one of my fantasies.
That was the first night that I let Edward Cullen have his way with me.

Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
 backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Thanks so much for all the reviews, alerts and faves added. I am so
honored. Thanks as always to Becca for Beta'ing and to Suzy for the
music, the inspiration and the love.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 2~ Moving On
I've dealt with my ghosts
And I've faced all my demons
Finally content with the past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once, I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame
Trapped in the past for too long
I'm moving on
Moving On ~ Rascal Flats
~Bella~I woke with anticipatory butterflies in my stomach showered and
dressed in the outfit I had set out the previous night. Sitting in front of the
small lighted mirror on my bathroom vanity, I lightly layered on bronzer and
cover up to conceal the little bruise on my nose. I scowled, knowing I would
have to purchase all new makeup shades when my tan faded in a few weeks
and I hated trying to match up the color to my hand…it never worked right.
Once I had added blush, eyeliner and a little lip gloss to my face, I focused
on doing something constructive with my hair.
I had just gotten it cut before I'd left California at this overpriced snooty
salon intended for celebrities with seasoned stylists, not teenage girls with a
mere blow dryer and three dollar bottle of hair gel. I had these new, long
bangs that swept over my eyes and lengthy layers cut into my elbow length
hair that automatically waved up in the humidity. Not knowing how to
manage it in this weather, I pulled it back, clipped it up, put on a head band
and then gave up completely, realizing that the rain would inevitable make
any effort futile.
However, once I emerged from the bathroom, I discovered that the sun was
shining brilliantly that morning. Sunshine was a rare and much welcomed
emergence in Forks, and I took it as a sign from above that it would be a
good day.
Before I left the house, I took a deep breath to calm my frayed nerves.
Charlie told me to have a nice day, and I turned back because I forgot to take
my pill in the excitement of getting ready. That would have been a huge,
huge mistake. I can only imagine the repercussions of missing a day of the
meds. I d likely be huddled in a ball in the corner of the lunchroom shaking
and foaming at the mouth.
Alice was waiting outside on my front steps at seven on the dot, dressed in
jeans, black boots and a cute black hooded jacket. Her eyes widened when
she saw me and I watched her scan me from head to toe.
"What?" I asked, looking down at my outfit in confusion.
"Nothing…you look…trendy," she said, looking at my boots pointedly with
a resigned sigh. We got into the car and I turned on the radio.
"Alice, you are more than welcome to borrow anything of mine whenever
you want," I remarked. From my periphery, I could see her grin spread ear to
ear. Alice's parents struggled financially for as long as I could remember.
Her mom was a nurse and her dad had worked at the boat docks in Port
Angeles, until they divorced and he moved out of state when we were seven.
Whatever money he sent, Alice's mom stowed away for college determined
that she would have a career to support herself with and not to have to rely
on a man for sole support.
Alice had very few new school clothes at the start of the year, but in
elementary school, style wasn't a big concern for any of us. However, high
school was a totally different world and life sort of sucked when wheat you
had wasn't up to par with what everyone else had. I made a mental note to
ask my mom to send a care package of the newest arrivals in Alice's size.
"Hey can you put down the top?" she asked with wide eyes as I reversed out
of the driveway. I nodded and obliged, letting the convertible top down. It
was still seven in the morning, and there was a definite chill in the air. I
blasted the heat and took off down the road smiling to myself that I was glad
I hadn't bothered too much with the hair after all.
As my little car hugged the curved roads to the school, our hair blowing
wildly in the wind, I watched as Alice gripped the edge of the seats. Her
fingers were bone white as was her complexion. "Shit, Bella. Are you taking
driving lessons from Edward? Slow down!" she yelled. I was so used to
driving like a speed demon in Phil's Ferrari under his insistence that I
shrugged and apologized before bringing the speed down to the limit. Old
habits are hard to break, I suppose.
"Hey, I love this song!" she squealed, as she turned the volume up against
the noisy wind. Check Yes Juliet by We the Kings was bellowing out from
the radio. The two of us sang cheerfully to the lyrics, bobbing our heads in
unison. Then the chorus streamed in, Alice and I belted out the words loudly,
dancing in our seats, laughing and being silly.
Run baby run…don't ever look back…they'll tear us apart…if you give them
the chance…don't sell your heart…don't say we're not meant to be…run
baby run…forever will be …you and me…

It felt so good to giggle with a girlfriend again. I was certain that it was
going to be a great day.
As I turned into the school parking lot, I noticed that my car was one of the
few that was less than ten years old, and had no noticeable dents. I couldn't
help feeling a little self conscious about it, as everyone gaped and stared as I
drove into an empty spot. I should have expected it, what with driving an
attention-getting cherry red convertible but I wanted to appease Alice by
putting the top down for her. The last thing I needed was for everyone to
think I was some rich snobby girl from LA, because really, I was far from
that.
Alice held her head up with a cheery grin and waved at some of the kids as
we passed. As she opened her door, a car came screeching into the spot next
to us forcing her to pull back the door abruptly.
"Watch it, Xanax!" A male voice called out of the window of the shiny black
sports car.
"Hi Jasper!" she cheerfully replied, as she slid out of the car. I walked
around the back, slinging my pink bag over my shoulder. "Jasper, meet Bella
Swan. She's Charlie's daughter, but you probably know that already, right?"
I lifted my hand in a timid half wave giving a grin to the hot blonde guy
departing his car while Alice continued to ramble on nervously. He tucked a
wiry lock of chin length hair behind his ear before he extended his hand out
to me and said, "Hey, I'm Jasper Cullen. That's my brother, Edward." He
nodded his head back toward the car where Edward was climbing out the
passenger side. I tore myself away from Jasper's piercing blue eyes as Alice's
words from the previous day held my attention. I was more than a little
curious to get a peek of the gay, quiet eye candy that was supposedly the
Edward Cullen.
I did the timid, half- bored wave thing again, but Edward just nodded curtly,
quickly darting his eyes away from me, and skulked toward the school.
"Nice meeting you…" I called after him. He turned slightly to glare at me
before continuing to walk briskly ahead of us. I didn't see much of his face
before he bolted, but he slid on a black leather biker jacket with random
words artistically printed in white over his tall, lean frame. He wore dark
jeans and black sneakers, and walked with a cocky arrogance that I
recognized all too well.
Ahhh… the quintessential Bad Boy.
"Don't mind him; he's trying out the brooding mysterious thing," Jasper said
with a smile. We chuckled and I shrugged my shoulders in indifference.
Not interested anyway, thank you very much.
In the short time it took to walk from the parking lot to the school, Jasper
must have asked me a dozen questions. And Alice answered all of them for
me in her excited chirpy voice. I got the distinct feeling she had a thing for
Jasper by the way she kept laughing nervously at nothing particularly funny.
She also stared up at him in sheer awe like he was a goddamn half naked
rock star while he spoke. That is of course, when she allowed him to get a
word in edgewise.
He was very sweet, and definitely good looking, but totally not my type. He
had this sort of surfer/ all American boy next door with an edge thing going
on, and while that was fine, I found myself automatically attracted to the
jock type with the letterman jacket and the football tucked under one arm. It
didn't escape my notice that just about every girl we passed checked Jasper
out, however, Jasper seemed oblivious. But that was after they all had given
me the once over, me being the new meat on campus and all. To them, I
suppose I was competition. But all I wanted was to get through the school
year without shedding tears every seven seconds, not steal their boyfriends.
I had to keep reminding myself to breathe and look down at the ground, in
an effort to evade the gaping eyes and to not trip over anything in my path.
Brush it off Bella, they are staring because you are a novelty, not because
they know anything about you.
Hell. Six schools in five years…you would think I would have gotten used
to all the attention by now.
I'll never, ever get used to being stared at.

There was definitely lots of gawking, very friendly smiles and eager
questions all aimed at the novelty of the new/old girl. I felt like I was on
display, or more like a goldfish in a glass bowl with big scary faces gaping
back. I gathered, by the size of the school and that fact that everyone knew
my name before I had even introduced myself, that this would not be a
school in which I could hide.
I did recognize quite a few faces, but could hardly remember names. Six
schools in five years made names and faces one big blur. The last time I had
seen any of these people was when I was twelve, but aside from evident
maturation in obvious places, my old classmates looked generally the same.
When we got to the main building I left Alice and Jasper, heading into the
office to register and get my schedule. The first two periods were fine. I was
able to get through them with out any anxiety attacks, near catastrophes or
bodily injuries to myself or anyone else in my path. My heart did race out of
my chest at the beginning of each class, and the blatant stares didn't help my
paranoia, but it was okay. I had survived.
Alice and Jasper were both in my first period American History class, and I
was thankful that I knew someone at least. I didn't sit near either of them,
but it wasn't like that made a difference. The teacher, Mrs. Goff, was
definitely a hard ass and clearly did not tolerate any bullshit from her
students. She practically threw the textbook at me and demanded that I read
the first two chapters by Friday.
Second period Spanish level three was an easy A for me. Senorita Carmen
was a sweet lady with chubby cheeks and an obvious Hispanic heritage.
Nothing irked me more than listening to an Irish American foreign language
teacher butchering the accent.
The class work seemed relatively easy. I was enrolled in a few Advanced
Placement classes, because I had done some of the Junior class curriculum
as a Sophomore last year in California. And since it was late September, I
had already missed three weeks of notes and lectures, but I still knew what
the teachers were talking about.
Third period, as I walked into my geometry class, I immediately noticed the
leggy, sultry stunning blonde perched on her desk talking animatedly with
her hands. Her eyes met mine and she stopped mid sentence, her mouth
dropping before forming a huge smile.
"Bella Swan, you hot bitch!" she screamed as she scrambled off the desk
toward me. We hugged, eliciting a ton of unwanted attention from the class,
before she stood back to examine me. "You look amazing, honey. What a
difference a few years makes!"
Rosalie Hale was never one for subtlety, but she always meant well. I knew I
looked different from the last time I was here. I used to be an awkward,
scrawny little girl with a frizzy bob haircut and no sense of style or clue
really. I was definitely not any of those things now. Time had given me
much longer hair, a considerable amount of confidence, a much better sense
of fashion, and really freaking awesome boobs…if I dare say so myself.
Before the teacher could get the class convened, Rosalie and I caught up
briefly and then she tossed some pimply, greasy haired kid out of the chair
next to her in order to give it to me permanently. In truth, it was such a
comfort to know that the friends I had as a child welcomed me back
enthusiastically with not only open arms, but equally open hearts. I was
grateful beyond explanation.
For fourth period English, I had a hard time finding the class, as it was in the
back of the building and the classroom numbers had been scratched off all
the doors. I immediately grew nervous, sensing my throat constrict and the
beginning feelings of lightheadedness that accompanied panic. I hated this
feeling with a vehemence and even though the medication helped, I was sort
of stuck in this anxious limbo whenever I was faced with something that
made me nervous.
I took a few deep breaths as I leaned against the wall, trying to be as
inconspicuous as possible.
Please not now, please.
Breathe, breathe…
"Hey, are you okay?" I looked up to see the most gorgeous pair of pale green
eyes piercing right through me. His voice startled me and it took a moment
for me to gather myself before I responded.
"Um, yeah, just sort of lost. Room 317?" I squeaked, gesturing to my
schedule.
Edward pointed down the hall and jerked his head in that direction as if to
say, "Follow me." His face remained expressionless while he strode into a
classroom a few doors down as I dutifully followed behind. He took a seat in
a desk by the window while I handed the teacher my schedule yet again. The
teacher informed me that the class was taking an exam on To Kill A
Mockingbird for the duration of the period, so she instructed that I read the
first few chapters to catch up.
My curiosity got the best of me. Occasionally, I would look over, watching
Edward in my periphery, just two seats away from me. He never looked up
from his test paper and never raised his eyes.
When the fifth period bell rang, I met Alice and Rosalie in the cafeteria at
their semi- filled lunch table. After we attempted the lunch line, they
introduced me to Jane and Angela, who sat with them. Jane was a tiny thing
with an angelic face and silky black hair, and Angela wore funky glasses and
looked trustworthy; like she could keep all of your secrets and be everyone's
best friend. It wasn't apparent if Rose and Alice's clique included Jane and
Angela, or if they sat there simply for lack of lunch table space.
I noticed that Rose and Alice both had their chairs angled at the table where
Jasper, Edward and five other boys sat just across from us.
Alice lowered her head and whispered, "Okay, so the big, hot, delicious one
is Emmett...Jasper and Edward's brother. Usually he leaves early with the
other seniors but he's hanging out here today for some unknown reason."
Alice rolled her eyes at Rosalie making it obvious as to the reason Emmett
was there.
Rosalie glared at me sideways pointedly uttering, "And he's mine."
I held up both hands in defense. "He's in my Spanish class, I think," I said,
vaguely remembering his handsome face from the back of the class.
"Relax, Rose. The smaller, cute one is Alec," Alice continued. "The one with
the spiky hair is Mike."
Rosalie opened her water bottle, wrapping her red fingernails around it as
she took a long dainty swig. "Mike is our resident whore. He will sleep with
anything…I mean anything. He has got to have at least five of the eleven
STD's. You don't want to get within two feet of him, Bella. Crabs tend to
jump." Rosalie scoffed, making an arcing motion with her fingers. I was
semi- impressed that she knew how many types of sexually transmitted
diseases were available to contract. Knowledge like that had to take research
or experience, I decided.
"That's Tyler and Ben. Ben and Angela are in love," Alice said, rolling her
eyes as Angela giggled across the table. "And you met Jasper and Edward
this morning. That's anyone that is important. Well, except for Edward, even
though he's gaspy, he's a complete waste of time." Alice waved her hand in
disgust.
"That's it?" I said disenchanted, with a sour face. "Seven worthwhile boys in
the whole school? And two who are apparently taken; one who's a sexual
biohazard and the other who is a social misfit? Wow, talk about limited
options."
Not that I had any intention of rounding up a boyfriend any time soon, but a
decent selection for the future would be nice nevertheless.
Highly disappointing.
"Oh, there are a slew of very fuckable seniors, but apparently Seniors don't
have relationships with underclassmen. They just want to fuck ..." Rose said
in a tone that was highly acidic if not scornful. Alice shot me a look that was
half grimace half scowl, and clearly meant change the subject fast. I took it
as a sign that maybe Rose had experience there as well.
"Uh…what the hell is gaspy?" I asked, taking a bite of my bagel.
"Gaspy. It's like 'dreamy', but only a verb. Like he's so hot you have to gasp
when you see him," Alice explained.
"That's not a real word, Alice," Rosalie scolded, as she pointed to each table
slowly identifying each one. "Nerds and Geeks…Jocks…Kick Line… Emos
and Goths…Band…Skanks…The Cullen Boys and Us. That's it. Everyone
in this school is mostly just a waste of air," she said indifferently, biting into
an apple.
At the mention of Kick Line, Alice stuck her finger down her throat with a
gagging sound, and when Rose said Emos and Goths, Jane muttered,
"Fucking vampire wannabes," from across the table.
I glanced over at the table Rosalie labeled as Skanks, and noticed that
Lauren Mallory, and Jessica Stanley were amongst the faces I recognized.
There were two other girls, a blonde and a redhead with big boobs sitting
with them.
That, however, was the bullshit part of high school that I loathed. The
labels…the groupings…the fact that if the Goths and Emos sat at a lunch
table with the Nerds, the universe would implode. It was all so annoying and
socially limiting.
Jasper caught me looking over at their table and playfully winked. I rolled
my eyes at his overtly sexual gesture and he laughed a little. Edward glanced
behind him and shook his head, clearly annoyed. Alice shifted
uncomfortably in her chair at the noticeable exchange, and I was happy to
avoid any further awkwardness when the bell rang.
She and Rosalie matched my schedule against their own and we found that I
had gym with Alice, Rose and Angela last period. I was practically doing
back flips for that. As we emptied out of the cafeteria, Emmett approached
Rosalie, holding her behind the group to talk to her. They made a really
stunning couple, if in fact they actually were one.
I checked my schedule for my next class and found that I had to go all the
way across the building to the science wing for Biology. And I was already
running late.
After I handed Mr. Banner my papers, he motioned for me to sit at the empty
lab table to the right of the class. I sat there at the table alone, completely
irritated. It kind of annoyed me that I had to sit by myself considering I
knew we were supposed to have lab work and without a lab partner that just
sucked. I was the squeamish type for certain. I was not about to cut a frog
open unassisted, and really, who the hell was going catch me when I fainted
during blood typing?
Mr. Banner began to write notes on the board, so I dutifully took out my
crisp new notebook and began to copy with the only pen I could find in my
bag. It had a hot pink feather puff on the end of it and it was stupid looking
but wrote really smoothly.
The door opened, and in loped a sopping wet Edward Cullen. "You are tardy,
Mr. Cullen," Mr. Banner scolded. Edward muttered something to him,
handing Mr. Banner a soggy piece of paper before walking swiftly to his
seat…right next to me.
And the Bad Boy is my lab partner...fantastic.
As he sat down in the stool beside me, he didn't even bother to glance over.
So I said, "Hey," and he turned slightly and muttered an annoyed, "Hey," in
response. I nodded and thought to myself, friendly little sucker.
I could smell the strong odor of cigarettes and new leather mixed in with his
cologne and the dampness from the rain that had settled on his clothes. It
wasn't unpleasant, and I found I rather enjoyed the scent of Au de Derelict.
I took my notes, my hand cramping up from the excessive writing.
Thanks for the carpal tunnel, Mr. Banner.
Just give us a freaking ditto, already. Jeez.
Once the bell rang, Edward sprinted up out of his seat and disappeared out
the door. I just stood at my desk gathering up my belongings and shook my
head at his oddity. I headed off to study hall, which was held in the upstairs
part of the library where everyone was expected to be silent. There was a
sign in sheet monitored by a teacher who looked like a Rastafarian. He had
smooth chocolate skin and dread locks. He was immersed in a newspaper
and didn't even bother to look up. I signed in, asked for the bathroom pass
and went to hide in one of the back stairwells, while I called the number on
the business card that Charlie had given me.
I never ditched class, but really, it was my first day, so what the hell was I
going to study?
I spoke to Billy, who talked briefly about how he couldn't believe that I was
a teenager already before he informed me of the requirements and details of
the job. It was just as Charlie had said, I would dress up, go to the birthday
party, hand out lollipops, wave and jump around like an idiot and then go
home. It sounded easy enough, and the best part was that although the
parties were right smack in the middle of day on Saturday or Sunday, it was
only two hours from start to finish and he was paying in cash.
I would make a hundred dollars for two hours of work, which was more than
the other staff received. But seeing as how I was his closest friend's daughter
and all, he was willing to give me a higher salary. We agreed that I would
come in on Saturday afternoon to accompany one of the other girls to a party
to see how it was done, and then I could decide if I wanted the job.
My last period was gym and I trudged off to the locker rooms to meet up
with the girls. I sent a silent sentiment of gratitude to the person who
decided that Forks high school phys ed classes did not have the dreaded
assigned polyester uniforms.
I cringed my way through the volleyball games that had already had set
teams. I may have been a cheerleader once upon a time, but an athlete I was
not. I kind of just stood there avoiding the occasional wayward ball until the
coach instructed me to "put some effort into it." I gave him some mock
enthusiasm as I waved my arms in the air and rolled my eyes. Alice ducked
when a rogue ball came flying our way and unfortunately, whacked me in
the head.
Rosalie was on the girl's varsity volleyball team, so she played with the
hardcore players across the gym, while Alice, Angela and I were stuck with
the fools who could care less.
And then I noticed that Edward and Jasper were playing on the team across
the gym opposite Rosalie. Jasper waved and both Alice and I waved back. I
smiled, knowing that even though I sucked ass at sports, at least I had a nice
view of something pretty to look at while I was ducking flying balls.
Sweaty eye candy.
By the end of the day, I didn't feel panicky at all, just edgy. I had made it
through the day unscathed for the most part, but I really felt like I needed to
relax my nerves. Alice had to run to her locker on the third floor, but she said
she would meet me outside at the car.
When I headed out to the parking lot, Jasper was leaning against his car
parked next to mine. I threw my bag in the back seat and approached him
with trepidation. Swallowing back a gulp of nervousness, I smiled and took
a deep breath.
"Hey Bella, you survived your first day, huh?" he said with a smile. It
surprised me how much I liked this guy. Not in a romantic way, though he
was definitely cute.
"Yeah, still alive, just a little tense. I was wondering…" I said in a lowered
whisper, as I leaned into him, "if you knew anyone with… weed?" I said the
word weed so low he could barely hear me.
A slight smirk covered his face. "You smoke?" he asked, with one eyebrow
cocked.
"Now and then… mostly when I'm stressed. Today was kind of…one of
those days," I explained, as in my periphery I saw Edward approaching.
Jasper said to him, "It's open." Edward brushed past me without
acknowledgement and sat in the passenger seat shutting the door behind
him.
"I actually have some on me. How much do you need?" he asked.
It began to drizzle lightly, so I zipped up my cute little black jacket and put
up my hood. "Just a joint, I guess," I said shrugging, feeling like such a
druggie dirt bag, but relieved nonetheless for the convenience of it all.
"Do you want some company or do you prefer to smoke alone?" he asked,
pushing away from his car with his foot.
"Oh, um…company would be great," I responded cheerfully, surprising
myself how quickly and enthusiastically I answered.
Jasper smiled and said, "I'll meet you at your house in twenty. And lose
Xanax." He tossed his head toward the school where Alice was skipping
across the lot. I nodded and got into my car, just as Alice jumped in the
passenger seat.
"Were you just talking to Jasper? What did he say? Isn't he great?" She was
out of breath and wide eyed as she settled into the seat. I was pretty sure
Alice was not a smoker, considering her mom being a nurse and the fact that
Jasper asked that I "lose" her.
I declined to mention my conversation with Jasper, and simply said we were
just talking about how my day was. I felt like shit really, because I knew that
Jasper clearly felt indifferent towards Alice, and by the nickname he gave
her, I got the distinct feeling she annoyed the piss out of him. I also felt like
a delinquent, and it wasn't that way for me at all. Even though it was a fun
experience to get high, the main purpose for me smoking was that the weed
helped ease some of my anxiety. It sucked living like that, always tense and
scared of an attack coming on.
Bree that dumb bitch, turned me on to it back home, and it was the only
thing she did for me that didn't leave me begging for mercy. Not that my
occasional pot smoking was any good for me, but like I said, it helped with
my issues.
I dropped Alice off at the diner in town for her shift, and headed toward
home, grateful, but feeling terribly guilty that I didn't have to worry about
hiding from her.
Jasper's car sat in front of my house idling. I parked my Audi in the
driveway, and walked over to the driver's side window waiting for Jasper to
let me know what the plan was.
"Where are we going?" I asked, as Jasper shut the engine and got out of his
car. Edward got out of the passenger side and slammed the door.
"In the woods behind your house is an old fort." he said pointing. I
snickered, knowing exactly what he was talking about. Charlie built me the
swing set with the connected tree house when I was five. I held tea parties
and played with dolls back there, while he fished in the river that was now a
part of the Cullen's property. Back when I was five, the land didn't belong to
anyone but the state wildlife preserve.
"That's not a fort. It's my Dream House," I said chuckling, as the three of us
walked through the gate into my back yard.
"That explains the dolls." Edward finally spoke. His voice startled me again.
"Hope there was no sentimental attachment," Jasper added apologetically. I
laughed again and shook my head, not entirely understanding what he
meant. I could hear Edward snickering under his breath as we walked the
long overgrown path that cut through the woods between our houses. The
wet leaves sloshed noisily underneath our feet, soaking my beautiful boots.
I hadn't been back there in ages. The tree house was still pretty much the
same, only the pretty little window boxes with the plastic tulips had been
ripped off and there were scorched, naked Barbie dolls strewn about the
ground. The two yellow swing seats and the chained tire swing were still
intact though. That was my favorite part. As a kid, I would spend countless
hours swinging, the soothing motion eliciting the greatest of daydreams and
stories that I would conjure up in my head. It occurred to me that even at
seven years old, I was looking to escape my real life in some way.
"What the hell did you do to my Pretty Princess Barbie?" I demanded,
picking up her royally charred plastic corpse off of the muddy ground. Her
blonde hair had been singed to the scalp rendering her bald. Edward laughed
again, but this time it was a wholehearted belly laugh and I couldn't help but
join him when I heard the sound.
Jasper said, "Emmett has a thing for fire. We come back here to smoke,
because it's private, and Emmett went hog wild with his lighter one day. We
didn't know the dolls actually belonged to anyone, so uh…sorry about that."
I shook my head and tossed poor Pyro Victim Barbie into the bushes,
climbing up the ladder into the tree house behind Jasper. The three of us sat
on the cold wood floor, while Edward pulled out a zip lock bag of marijuana
and a pack of E-Z Widers.
I looked around my old tree house that Alice and Rosalie and I had spent
countless hours hiding out in, talking about boys and school and Alice's dad
leaving. Sometimes Jess and Lauren would come too when we were in
Elementary school, but they were never as close to me or as relevant as Rose
and Alice were.
Charlie had constructed the set for my fifth birthday. He built it all by
himself, grumbling and grunting as he lifted and screwed the large wooden
beams together. He added wood to the structure, so that the house part had
been entirely closed off to the elements. It was supposed to be painted pink,
but since it was always so rainy, my dad never found the opportunity to get it
done. In an effort to make it more homey, my mom had placed a small table
with chairs in there and she hung cute framed pictures of kittens on the
walls. Everything was gone now.
Jasper handed Edward a magazine that had been stashed in the corner, as
Edward began to roll the joint. I watched his long fingers maneuver the
paper quickly and skillfully, like he had been doing it for years. The joint
was perfect. Symmetrically even and round, almost as if it was a cigarette
coming out of a pack of Marlboro's. When he finished, he stuck his tongue
out and licked the length of the cigarette.
My breath hitched watching his tongue stroke the length of the joint and I
was instantly embarrassed and confused at the same time. It was the first
time all day I had actually really looked at Edward's face. I realized that he
was stunningly beautiful in a very masculine way.
His eyes seemed to have held so much anger in them. They were the most
startling shade of green, almost artificial, as if he wore colored contacts. I
had never seen a shade of green so pale, resembling the color of the beach
glass my mother and I would often find along the shore. And his face was
absolutely perfect. His strong jaw line was clean shaven and smooth. He had
perfect full lips and long, dark spidery eyelashes. His hair was a wild
disarray of dark brown that sort of met in the middle like a messy faux
Mohawk. He was actually pretty, for a boy. But he also had this sexy
maturity to his face, whereas Jasper still had a boyish roundness about him.
He put the joint to his mouth pausing as he looked up at me through his
long, dark eyelashes. In a voice that was bordering on sweet he asked, "Can
you do me a favor?" My eyes met his and I smiled, thinking for a split
second that we were sharing a moment or something. "Wipe that shit off
your lips, please."
He lit up the joint, took a deep drag and held the smoke in his mouth. With
the back of my hand pressed firmly to my mouth, I wiped off my semi-sticky
blush colored lip gloss as he passed the joint to Jasper. I glowered at him,
disappointed in his deceitful demeanor and in myself, for thinking he was
going to say something nice to me.
The heady scent of the pot mixed in with the boy's cologne and wet leather
jackets was intoxicating, comforting, and familiar all at the same time.
Jasper inhaled the joint in three long consecutive sucks. "This is strong shit,
don't take too much," he said, in a voice that was strained, raspy and full of
smoke. He passed the joint to me and I fingered the marijuana cigarette
reverently in my hands before bringing it to my lips.
"Whoa, this is strong," I rasped, choking back the thick aromatic smoke that
filled my mouth and lungs. It had been a while and my throat burned
slightly. "Wow, this is impressive." I said genuinely, as I held the joint in
front of me, examining its perfection.
Jasper laughed and said, "Edward has very talented fingers." I looked up at
Jasper and smirked, slightly embarrassed that my mind diverted his
statement to a sexual innuendo.

He did not just say that, did he?

I passed Jasper the joint and glanced at Edward who was looking down at
his lap and shaking his head in annoyance.
"Dick," Edward muttered, elbowing Jasper in his ribs.
"Good to know," I smirked, adding to the awkwardness. Jasper laughed
again and passed the joint back toward Edward's waiting hand.
"I meant," Jasper said, glaring at Edward, "he has a gift with his hands in
general. Edward plays the piano, and he pit..."
Before Jasper could finish his sentence, Edward glared at him angrily and
said sharply, "Bro…" His tone clearly meant, shut the fuck up.
Jasper shook his head and brushed it off.
Honestly, that genuinely surprised me. I did not expect Edward to be a piano
player. That seemed to be such an elegant, classy instrument to play, and
Edward did not strike me as having the probability for either of those traits.
And if I hadn't been feeling the effects of the ridiculously strong weed, I
would have pressed about what else Edward was so good at before he
abruptly cut Jasper off.
The last pass went back to me. I took another deep drag, held it in for as long
as the lack of air would allow and I breathed out the smoke into the moist
air. We sat for a while in silence, enjoying our high and disconnected states.
I looked at them both, heavy lids over their bloodshot eyes. They were both
so gaspy it made me want to cry and sing love songs out of my bedroom
window. I definitely was able to see what Alice saw in Jasper. But I was still
wrestling with what I saw in Edward.
Beautiful, but painfully sad and not very nice.
I leaned back on the wood panels and picked up the magazine Edward rolled
the joint on. "Glamour? Is this yours?" I asked jokingly, as I leafed through
it. Edward snickered, and his whole slumped over body shook silently with
the laugh.
At the same time they both blurted out, "It's Emmett's." Jasper was lying
back on his elbows with his long legs crossed in front of him. He let out a
little chuckle, which got Edward laughing harder.
Not quite understanding the amusement of the joke, I said, "He seems more
like a Teen Vogue kind of boy." Then the two of them were rolling. Their
laughs were so infectious, I had to join in. It was so cute really, seeing them
clutch their sides and shaking on the ground in hysterical fits.
"Teen Vogue," Edward muttered through a stifled laugh, then the two of
them burst out laughing again.
Jasper said through giggles, "Emmett bought the magazine because it had
tips on how to perfect oral sex techniques."
Hmmm…Interesting..
Mental note to mention that to Rosalie
I laughed with them as I realized the leather in my boots had soaked up a lot
of water, and was slowly seeping into my socks. I unzipped a boot, pulling it
off as Jasper and Edward looked at me incredulously.
"What?" I asked, placing my boot in the corner of the house. "My boots are
wet, and no, my feet do not smell. Besides, this is my house, remember? I
should be charging you back rent and property damage for all your time
spent destroying my beautiful house. And you killed all my fake tulips and
the pretty little flower boxes they lived in. And…besides all of that, your
pyromaniacs burned my Pretty Princess Barbie to death and made her bald
and …I am just really freaking baked right now, so tell me to shut the fuck
up and I will." I stuck my tongue out at them while they watched me remove
my boots as if it were the most interesting thing they had ever witnessed.
They began to laugh hysterically again staring at my very bright, admittedly
very odd socks.
"Are those pigs?" Edward asked pointing.
"Oh shut up. I like my socks. Do not mock the piglets." I laughed, wiggling
my toes, each one of them adorned with pink piglet faces. I rolled my eyes
as they continued to laugh wildly at my socks.
When their chuckles eventually died down, I looked at them both and
cocked my head to the side admiring the boys in front of me. I was really
high- the kind of stoned that was confusing and fuzzy and fun and made my
head feel full of air and water and sparkles like a giant snow globe.
"You know, you guys look nothing alike. Like the three of you grew up on
entirely different sides of the planet."
Edward's eyes met mine as he silently pulled off the barcode label on his
clear plastic lighter. Jasper said, "Well, I look like my mom, and Emmett
looks like our dad and Edward's mom is married to our dad, and Edward
looks like her sort of, soooo yeah, none of us look anything alike. Wow, I am
fucking baked too," he added chuckling.
"I look like my father," Edward said quietly, without looking up. I furrowed
my brows at his words. They were soft spoken yet definitive and I sensed an
innate mark of sadness.
"Oh. How long have your parents been together?" I asked, realizing too late
in my stoned state that I probably should have taken the opportunity to
change the subject.
"Twelve years. We were both five when they got married." Jasper replied. I
was intrigued. I wanted to know about Jasper and Emmett's mother and
Edward's biological father and where they were, but considering I had met
them only hours prior, I thought that maybe it was too presumptuous to ask.
Some time passed and we were chatting about school and the fact that I had
someone I knew in almost every one of my classes. They began talking
about a stupid workout regimen, and in my fuzzy brain, I lost interest,
picking up the magazine in front of Edward.
As I leafed through it, I passed an article that read, "What Type of Dog Are
You?" It was actually one of those nonsensical quizzes that were designed to
match your personality with inanimate objects. Like if you were a quiet
person, you resembled a chair, or some thing dim-witted like that.
"Hey, what kind of dog are you?" I directed the question to no one specific.
Jasper looked up at me and said a slightly slurred, "Scuse me?"
"What kind of dog… like if I was dog I think I might be a Pomeranian. Or a
Bischon Frise."
"Oh," Jasper said, understanding. "Um, maybe a Great Dane." He said it
matter of factly, closing the statement with a decisive nod.
Edward turned to him and said flatly, "You are in no way a Great Dane.
More like a terrier or some shit."
"Fuck you, Dick. What kind of dog do you think you are?" Jasper spat.
"I'm not a dog at all. I…am a mountain lion." Edward held his hands up
curling his fingers like claws while he bared his teeth in a snarl. He did it
with such unbridled enthusiasm that Jasper and I threw our heads back in
laughter.
"I'll give you one guess what kind of dog Xanax is," Jasper said quietly
wearing a wry smile on his face.
Edward and I both muttered, "Chihuahua." That got the laughter started all
over again. Proof that everything is much funnier when you are high.
I scolded them for making fun of Alice, which they blatantly ignored. We
made small talk after that, getting to know each other and asking harmless,
non invasive questions. The conversation was mainly between Jasper and I
with an occasional snicker, snort or scowl from Edward. But he did not
actually verbally participate in the conversation.
While Jasper and I spoke, Edward leaned back against the wooden panels
and played with his lighter, turning it back and forth while watching the fluid
drain in and out of the chambers.
"So, what made you move back here, anyway?" Jasper asked. It was the one
question he didn't ask me that morning. It was the one question I was hoping
to avoid entirely.
"Um, I had someone hurt me badly and it just made life really hard, so I
came here…to kind of start over... get away from the daily reminders." I let
out a winded breath and sighed at the memory.
Good girl, Bella. You did it.
It was the most evasive explanation I could find while being entirely
truthful. Edward looked up at me from his entertaining lighter turns and
brought his finger to his lips. It looked as if he wanted to say something, but
changed his mind. I knew Jasper was itching to have me elaborate on it, but I
wasn't ready to let them in on why I fled California. Not just yet, but maybe
I would someday.
Once the sky grew dark, and we realized that we were all parched and
starving, we parted ways at the trail outside the tree house toward our
respective homes. Before we left, I asked Jasper if I could give him money
for the weed, and he scoffed at my offer, saying that Cullen boys never let
girls pay for anything.
I headed back home to an empty house, thankful that Charlie was working
late on a case. I didn't mind being alone, and truly, it was a perfect
arrangement for the teenager who didn't want to be bothered with parental
interference. Not that Charlie ever interfered, but I was stoned, so it was in
my best interest that he not be around to witness that.
As I finished a slice of my leftover pizza, my high gradually wore off and I
thought about how much fun I had today. It had been literally seven months
since I'd been social with kids my own age and I hadn't realized how much I
had missed the interaction. And for the first time in my life, I had actually
made guy friends. Not an easy task for me, in truth. Girls were usually a
cinch, but guys only seemed interested in one thing from me, and being
friends was not it.
I headed upstairs to check my email and pick out the next day's outfit.
Dear God, thank you so much for getting me through the day without any
major fail. I would greatly appreciate it if you could do that tomorrow and
Friday as well. Please help all the starving kids in Africa and end the war
soon, and look after Mom and Phil, Dad, Alice, Rose, Jasper, Emmett and
Edward. Oh, and please not have let the rain have done too much damage to
my new boots because I love them.
Looking in the mirror, I smiled a bit wider knowing that moving to Forks
may have just been the best decision I could have ever made.
Amen
Later on, with my anxiety a distant memory, I thought of Edward's face as I
drifted off to sleep. His sad green eyes haunted my dreams and surprisingly,
made an appearance in one of my fantasies.
That was the first night that I let Edward Cullen have his way with me.

*%
Thank you for all of your positive reviews!
Thank you to Kassiah for rec'ing this on the Fictionators!!! I am so
honored.
Thanks to Becca for proofing and Suzy for everything else. xoxo

High Anxiety
Chapter 3~I've Been Watching You~
I stand at an open window
I see everything there is to see
I've been watching you
isn't it true the fool keeps taking you down down
taking you
I' ve been watching you
isn't it true the world keeps taking you down down
taking you
I've Been Watching You~ Natalie Imbruglia
~Edward~
My head was fucking killing me. I woke with what felt like a giant pickaxe
wedged between my frontal lobe and my skull. Occasionally I was plagued
with these horrific migraines; binding, deafening, completely debilitating
headaches that nothing but strong painkillers would reprieve. Usually I
would spend the day in bed under the cover of complete darkness, and a
shroud of Percocets, but I had an English exam fourth period and I never
missed an exam. I was somewhat admittedly anal about my grades- amongst
other things.
Carlisle said they were likely the result of stress and anxiety. I was a sixteen
year old kid with the ailments of a forty five year old man with all these
fucking problems. I suppose it could be worse. At least I didn't have acne or
dandruff so I guess migraines paled in comparison to that shit.
Serves you right for jacking off to the new girl last night.
Yeah, that vision was pretty sweet…
"Hey, no more driving Xanax to school." Jazz said excitedly as he rubbed his
hands together, distracting me from my pathetic reverie. He sat next to me at
the kitchen island as my mother placed a plate with a buttered English
muffin in front me. She patted the back of my neck affectionately as I picked
at the muffin, making a face that clearly showed my disgust.
"Edward honey, why are you taking Xanax? Are you having attacks again?"
Esmom asked sweetly, always concerned about my goddamn anxiety
attacks. I loved her dearly, but sometimes she was a little "out there."
"No, Mom," I responded with an exasperated sigh. "Xanax is Jazz's
nickname for the little crack head down the street." I told her. She looked at
me quizzically for a more elaborate explanation. "She's a little energetic,
mom... Xanax relaxes you…"
Esmom picked up her plate and left the table shaking her head. She strongly
disapproved of us calling people names, and using pharmaceutical
references to bat.
"Stop picking at your breakfast, Edward and just eat it," she scolded.
"Ma, what the hell is this?" I asked.
"Organic spelt and flax seed muffins with unsalted soy butter," she replied as
she turned her back to pour coffee. On the counter next to the coffee pot sat
a container of organic enriched rice milk that I narrowed my eyes at bitterly.
Where the fuck is my Half and Half?
I was about to go into a full on rant about my shit being used and not
replaced, but I just didn't have the energy for it. Jasper looked at me
quizzically mouthing, "Spelt?" I shrugged my shoulders, pushing the plate
away. I was so not in the mood for the Hippie Gourmet today, not that I had
much of an appetite at all.
"Why can't we be a normal family and eat Cocoa Pebbles for breakfast?"
Jasper asked, atypically whiny for a sixteen year old.
"Because I don't want my children ingesting dyes and artificial
preservatives. Besides, have you looked in the mirror lately, either of you?
Look at my gorgeous boys. You think that comes from Cocoa Pebbles?" She
squeezed Jasper's chin and placed a kiss on top of his head.
"Well it sure as hell doesn't come from spelt," Jasper mumbled. I snickered
shaking my head. "Hurry up, E. We're hitting the Coffee Bean drive through
on the way in." He whispered.
I nodded in agreement. "Did Alice get her own car?"
"Nope, apparently Charlie's daughter's starting school today. Her name is
Bella," he said with a terrible Italian accent. "Xanax said she's getting a ride
with her from now on." I nodded, not really caring either way. Alice, or
Xanax as we unaffectionately dubbed her, was a cute little girl, but she could
definitely get on my nerves. I'm pretty sure she had a crush on Jasper,
because whenever she was around him she seemed to go off like a frayed
electrical wire. Around me, she was silent and seemed like she was fucking
petrified of my very presence. I wasn't sure if that bothered me or not.
So evidently the new girl with the great tits was taking little Alice off our
hands. Fine with me. Even though Alice was cute in a Chihuahua sort of
way, her incessant yapping at seven in the morning made me fucking nuts.
We grabbed our bags, as Esmom endowed us with her obligatory good bye
kiss on the foreheads, and I grumbled as I remembered that I had no jacket.
Two days ago my bizarre, earth loving mother had kidnapped all of our coats
to take them to this dry cleaner she found in Seattle who used only natural
environmentally friendly cleaning ingredients. Because apparently we had
gone green. I was all for a harmonious environment, but I had to draw a line
somewhere.
If that woman thought I was trading in my BMW for a fucking Prius she was
sadly mistaken.
Anyhow, due to her absconding with all of our outerwear, I was left with the
only jacket I had in the closet. It was a black leather biker jacket- not my
style really, but it was cool and edgy and made me look like I didn't give a
fuck – which on most days I didn't, or at least that's what I tried to convince
myself and everyone else of.
The jacket belonged to a young actor who did a famous photo shoot wearing
it; my father had won it at some hospital charity auction back in Chicago.
Even though it cost him a fucking fortune, the fact that someone else had
worn it kind of grossed me out. But I believe that was sort of the point in
him giving me the used jacket- to try to make a meager dent in the OCD
tendencies I apparently had been labeled with by my last three shrinks.
Other than shoes and coats, I rarely wore anything more than once and had
an inclination for neatness in the extreme. Jasper and Emmett constantly
called me "American Psycho," because my morning ritual closely resembled
that of Christian Bale's character in that movie.
I knew it was a problem, not only for myself, but it clearly affected everyone
around me. Most times I could keep it at bay, but things out of order, messes
and stupid things like unkempt fingernails, body hair and wrinkled clothing
made me fucking crazy.
When we moved here, I was assigned the bedroom with its own bath,
because neither Jasper nor Emmett wanted to hear me bitch about the shared
bathroom being filthy every morning. I had always been neat and
organized…the typical type A personality; competeitve, overachieving, hard
working, perfectionist…but when we moved to Forks it grew progressively
worse.
Though he meant well, either from a physician's standpoint or from a
father's, his efforts with purchasing the jacket didn't work until I had no
choice but to wear it. It was sunny this morning, but we all knew too well
that in this town, sun was a fleeting luxury and would likely be replaced by
the cover of gray clouds by noon.
I asked Jasper to drive that morning, even though it was my turn because I
was afraid I couldn't concentrate from the acute pain and I just didn't feel
like dealing with watching the speed limit with my head pounding profusely
as it was.
We watched from our driveway as Alice and the new girl, Bella apparently,
greeted each other on her driveway. Jasper and I shared a knowing glance as
they got into her car and tore down the road.
"Bro…you recognize that ass, don't you?" he asked chuckling, as he blasted
the heat.
"Yup. Wonder how her nose is?" I replied flatly, realizing that not only did
the girl I was watching last night have a great set of tits, but an ass that could
make a thousand men weep. A thousand and one, if I included myself, which
I most certainly fucking did.
Distracted by the sight of Bella, we both forgot all about the coffee and
followed her straight to school.
When he pulled in to the spot right next to the red Audi, I knew I didn't have
the tolerance to deal with Alice's squealing exuberance. And it would be
very unlike Jazz to abstain from meeting the school's freshest piece of ass.
As much as I wanted to put a face to the image I was pleasuring myself to, I
couldn't help feeling a mild disgust and perversion for defiling this girl in
my head. So, I grabbed my bag and bolted out of the car just as Jasper was
introducing her to me. Yeah, it was really rude, but I just couldn't do it.
I did get a quick glance at her though. Cute, definitely cute. But one look at
the tight jeans and the fuck me boots she had on, and the Coppertone Girl
tanned skin… not to mention the car she drove, told me to stay the fuck
away from her.
Oh yeah, like you have another option.
She was the typical girlie girl, likely materialistic and shallow, concerned
with nothing more than her nails and her hair and what poor sucker she's
going to get to take her to the prom.
Fucking girls.
I headed over to my first period class, praying the Tylenol would kick in as
fast as possible. After what felt like hours of my French teacher's incessant
rambling about the proper ways to conjugate the verb, the acute pain
subsided to a dull throbbing ache. I knew I should have asked Carlisle for
something stronger before I left the house. I hated to do that though, since he
kept the good drugs locked away in a cabinet in his home office, and it made
me uncomfortable to ask.
Yeah, we all knew it was for my sake, what with my history of recreational
drug use. Though unbeknownst to the adults, my brothers both dabbled in
much more sordid things than I, only I got the rep for being the deviant one.
Carlisle would never insinuate that the lock was for my benefit though,
always the impartial man and always treating his three children equally,
though we were certainly not. I didn't enjoy the intense scrutiny the last time
I'd asked for Percocet's for my headache, so I suffered with the over the
counter stuff.
On my way to fourth period English, I noticed Bella leaning against the wall
looking like she was about to pass out. It went against my better judgment to
speak to her because I tried to just ignore the female species as a whole- it
was easier that way, for everyone involved. But she looked so lost and
scared and I remembered back to when I started this school less than a year
ago.
Though the school had a total enrollment of around three hundred students,
the first day was somewhat terrifying with all the faces scrutinizing and
staring at the new kids. The new rich kids.
I remember hiding out in my car during lunch like a pussy so I could quell
the impending panic with some Bach. It worked like a charm, and I was
back to my usual asshole tough guy persona within the hour. Yeah well,
tough guy on the outside, but shaking like a scared kitten on the inside.
Such a fucking pussy.
I'd walked right past Bella and then as the guilt plagued me, backtracked. I
asked her if she was alright, I suppose as a quasi penance for my voyeurism.
She said she was lost, looking for her classroom and I led her there, knowing
we would be sharing the class together- Advanced Placement English. I
suppose I made a false assumption when I said she was all beauty and no
brains. Apparently she had them both.
Because I finally got a good look at her.
And she was fucking beautiful.
Her brown eyes spoke volumes, yet hid secrets that no one would ever know.
She had little flecks of pale green and gold in her eyes, and her lightly made
up lashes were long and thick and spidery. She batted them unconsciously at
me when she spoke and bit her lip shyly and I wondered if she was even
aware of what that did to the male species. I am certain the result was the
same physiological response I got from it... a twitching hard on and a
complete loss of words.
I took my test, desperately trying to get my focus off of those eyes and
concentrate on the words as they began floating and bouncing along the
paper. The Tylenol had worn off and the migraine was threatening to make a
reappearance with a vengeance. A few months back, the pain from one of my
migraines was so acute, I actually lost sight in half of my right eye. I thought
I was having an aneurysm and drove myself to the ER, only to be given a
prescription for Imitrex which inevitably made me really anxious. My whole
life had become one stupid vicious cycle.
By fifth period lunch, the migraine was back in full force. The school's
cheeseburger made me even more nauseas than usual just looking at it, never
mind the god awful greasy smell. I watched Jasper wink at Bella, and she
returned it with a clearly unflattered eye roll. I had to laugh at him for trying.
She wasn't without options, that's for sure.
All these morons were so transparent. Every single one of them gaped at
her…fucking mouths open staring at her ass as she walked by. This high
school hadn't seen anything that cute in years.
Either have you, dumbass.
And you were checking out her ass right along with all those morons.
Which undoubtedly makes you...a moron.
They were trying to be discreet, but the girls at Xanax's table were
introducing Bella to everyone at our table. Mike had claimed her the week
before she even got here. He usually was able to get just about any girl he
wanted until they were given fair warning about the fact that he wasn't the
least bit fickle about who he fucked. Yeah, Charlie's kid would probably end
up fucking Mike. And maybe even Tyler, Mike's wingman. Poor shit always
seemed to get stuck with the ugly friend or Mike's unwanted leftovers.
I could never be like that- just sleeping with random girls because I could.
That is, when things were different for me.
I was just too fucking picky. She had to be…I don't know, special I guess.
And I'd never found anything close to what I thought defined that. I don't
even know if I could even define it now if it's at all the same. They guys
used to bust my balls about it all the time, telling me to just take advantage
of the abundance of pussy that was being thrown at me. And there was quite
a nice selection at one time, if I do say so myself.
But I knew what I liked, what I wanted, and I didn't dare settle for less than
perfection just to get my dick sucked. I'd only had one girlfriend, but I could
hardly count that as an actual relationship since it was in seventh grade,
lasted two weeks and we held hands once. In Chicago, I'd kissed a shitload
of girls, fooled around with a few and as far as sex, well of course, there was
Tanya and What's Her Face. Both undeniable mistakes which just went to
show that past experience told me I should be more discriminating about the
girls I bedded.
Jasper had his fair share of pussy in Chicago, before he met Emily and
practically dropped to one knee to propose the same day that he kissed her.
Emmett was a little more cautious and particular about his women; his focus
remained strong and undeterred on academics and athletics. Not that an
exorbitant amount of available tail wasn't thrown at him as well, but he was
a little more conservative that one would expect from a guy that good
looking.
He had something going on with Rosalie Hale, I was sure of it, but he oddly
blew off any questions of interaction with her. Jasper and I noticed them
flirting last weekend, and he came home smiling to himself with a faint glow
about him, like he had just gotten the best blow job of his life. If a girl who
looked like that was giving you head, you shout it to the world or wear a
giant blinking sign that says, "Rosalie Hot Tits Hale sucked my cock."
Something was up with them. But whatever. I didn't give into gossip or
speculations about other people's sex lives, because it only made me feel
shittier and impossibly more bitter for what I didn't have.
After lunch, I headed toward the nurse's office to acquire more painkillers
for this persistent sonofabitch headache that seemed to be consuming every
thought. When the nurse said she had to call my parents to get their
permission before administering Tylenol to a student, I practically doubled
over with laughter at the thought. Whatever, rules are rules.
I was going to be late to Bio again. One more tardy would land detention.
Not that I even gave a shit, but detention was reason for Carlisle to take
away car privileges, and I was not having any of that. It bothered me more
that I had demerits on my record as it was. Maintaining a 4.0 average and
acting like you didn't give a fuck about it was hard work.
When I got to Bio, there at my lab table was none other than…Bella Swan.
We greeted each other politely and I kept my face forward trying to avoid
her or give her the least bit of indication that I had a desire to chat it up. I
couldn't look her in the eye after the filthy things I made her do to me in my
fantasy last night, though I must admit I really fucking wanted to.
And I was at the end of my tolerance with the fucking headache and I just
couldn't take the throbbing pain anymore. I had been counting the minutes
till the period ended and I grabbed all my stuff as soon as the bell rang. I
ditched seventh period study hall and smoked a cigarette ducking into my
car just for some quiet. I fell asleep for about an hour which was just enough
time for the pain to be gone completely.
I made it back inside just as the eighth period warning bell rang and slipped
onto the gym floor before no one noticed. That was the other thing about me.
If I was anal about my grades, I was just as concerned about marks on my
record. Things like detentions and excessive absences looked terrible on
college applications. Study hall was the only period I would ever ditch,
simply because the loser teacher didn't give a shit where we were, as long as
we signed in.
We were playing a mean game of volley ball in gym and Jasper got all
fucking excited when he saw Bella across the gym ducking instead of
hitting. Probably didn't want to break a nail or some shit. I realized that this
girl was in four out of the eight classes I was in, but I guess with such a
small school that was to be expected.
After gym, Jazz he headed out to the car before me, impatient with how long
it took me to get dressed and organized. No one usually showered after gym
but me, becasue like an idiot, I couldn't stand to be sweaty for a second
longer than was wholly necessary.
From across the lot I could spot her ass. Jasper was looking quite cozy
talking to Bella, so I brushed past her and sat in the car. I turned on the radio,
while waiting for him to finish flirting with her grumbling and pissed off that
I had to wait.
And maybe I was just pissed because I wanted it to be me that was talking to
her.
When he got in, he started the engine casually informing me that she would
be joining us for a smoke...in the tree house. I practically hit the fucking
roof.
"Are fucking crazy Jazz? What the hell are you thinking?" I sat seething in
the front seat with my fists balled at my sides. He just didn't have a clue as to
the severity of this. And not only allowing this girl who either of knew at all
to be in such close proximity to us, he was letting her in on something that
could really fuck us both. It was bad enough we were smoking up on our
own property and our parents didn't know, but now to add someone else in?
"Oh, come on. She can sit on my lap to give you the three foot radius you
require. Who's gonna know?" he snickered, throwing the car into reverse.
"Fuck you, Jasper. I am glad you are so amused by my situation. What if she
says something to someone?" I asked, my paranoia kicking in.
"Edward, did you ever think that maybe no one actually gives a shit what
you do outside of school? She's not gonna say anything. Besides, its not like
we're getting blow jobs from the girl...we're smoking up. Relax."
"Fucking... fine...whatever." I pensively agreed huffing, pissed off again. In
truth it made me really nervous to be in such close proximity to her, but for
many reasons other than the legal ones. I couldn't even make eye contact
with this girl, never mind sit in a five by five enclosed wooden box with her.
We met her in front of her house and walked together down the back path to
our fort which she informed us was her tree house. I felt so badly about the
dolls, and the rundown condition of the tree house, though I gave no
indication that I cared one way or another. We blamed the wreckage all on
Emmett, but in truth it was the three of us that did the pyrotechnic torture on
the dolls and tore into the flowers that were decorating the outside. The thing
hadn't been used in years and none of us had ever taken into consideration
that the swing set actually belonged to someone who may have loved it at
one time.
She didn't seem appear upset about it, but I could definitely see a flash of
nostalgia as she held the mutilated doll in her hand.
I tried hard to not make eye contact with her, so I fidgeted with my lighter
and kept my focus on the messy stack of magazines piled in the corner that
was irritating me to no end. She was wearing a white button down shirt that
she had tied up in the front in a knot. It showed just a tiny bit of her stomach
and the faint glint of a dangling navel ring and I inwardly groaned at the way
she looked in it.
White shirts were my fucking Achilles heel. There was something so pure
and simple, yet so fucking sexy about them. Most guys were into thigh high
stockings and lingerie and shit, or just naked girls in general. But sexy to me
would be for my girl to walk around the house in nothing but my button
down. The buttons that ran down between her breasts were so inviting to just
pop open one by one...
Then Jazz, that fucking asswad, had to go and be all suggestive with the
talented fingers comment. He could be such a douche sometimes. Did I want
her to know I played the piano? Did I actually care? I don't know that I
wanted anyone to know that about me- too personal, too intimate.
What's the matter Eddie, afraid to let the world know that you aren't
actually an insensitive dick?
Playing the piano was the only thing I had from my old life that I took with
me to the new one. My mom encouraged my playing, and I probably would
have just given it up completely if it hadn't been the only thing that I did
these days that seemed to make her happy. And god knows how I needed her
approval.
Bella…was actually cool, for lack of a better term. She wasn't as shallow or
as dumb as I originally pegged her. In fact, she seemed very down to earth,
aside from the expensive boots and the two hundred dollar jeans that hugged
her curves like they were made for her. I had the same True Religion's…I
knew the signature design on the back pockets.
Well, you've been staring at her ass all day, you should have it memorized by
now.
However hot she was, there was something about this girl that irked me.
Maybe it was her stupid socks or that dumbass fluffy pink pen, not to
mention the fact that she was best friends with Xanax, and that alone earned
a demerit or two. And the goddamned tan…annoyed the shit out of me. I
hated artificial things on a girl: boobs, hair, nails and especially tans. I
actually felt myself sigh in relief when I learned she was from California,
which gave her the right to naturally suntanned skin.
She was highly impressed with my joint rolling technique, as she should be,
but she was funny with the dog thing. I haven't laughed like that in forever. I
felt a lot less anxious around her after the weed kicked in, and let my guard
down just a little.
When she asked about our parents and why we looked so different, it caught
me off guard. No one ever had made observations like that, and if they did,
they never had the nerve to ask. Jasper explained that I looked like my mom.
It sent a shot of anger through me, because I knew I looked identical to my
biological father. I don't know why I admitted that or why I even gave a shit.
It was just that I felt maybe credit should be given where it was due.
Anyhow, it sort of shocked me that I said it when I did. This girl was already
unraveling all my carefully constructed control.
Then Jazz asked her why she moved here, and my ears shot up like a hunting
dog hearing a rabbit scurry in the woods. Her answer was about as vague as
the answer I would give about my own reason for moving to Forks. I
watched as her pretty brown eyes filled with unmistakable sadness while she
fumbled to answer indirectly.
She was obviously hurt by a guy and left California because she couldn't
handle the heartfail. It was clear that she became uncomfortable and fidgety
talking about it. My curiosity was definitely piqued.
I had to fight back the urge to ask her to elaborate but I decided quickly that
there was absolutely no point in extending any effort to get to know her.
Especially since Jasper already seemed to have a definite hard on for her. If
she was going to hang out with us, then we would get high or whatever and I
would have to be a dick to her. I had no choice…it was just easier that way.
Jasper would end up fucking her, maybe even dating her, and before he got
bored with her I would have to endure a few family dinners with her present
at the table. Then she'd be history, and he'd move on to someone else, as
would she.
Well regardless, there was nothing I could do about any of that. As far as I
was concerned she was a pretty thing to look at whether sitting next to me in
Biology or from afar as I peered into her window at night. And since Jasper
seemed to have taken a liking to her, then good for him, he could have her.
He deserved a nice girl in his life, and I certainly owed him one. Not that I
didn't deserve someone as well, but the circumstances were very fucking
unfortunate for me. If I could live vicariously through my brother's
conquests, then so be it.
When we departed the tree house at dinner time, we all squeezed drops of
Visine in our eyes and made our way back through the overgrown path
toward home. I was feeling conflicted and shitty and I knew it was going to
be one of those nights that I would obsess and torture myself with thoughts
that would drive me nuts.
Mom and dad were in the kitchen, clearly not expecting our arrival, as he
had her pressed against the stove in a loving embrace. She shrugged him off
giggling, but he continued to nuzzle his face in her neck as she stirred the
pot of organic tree bark and freshly cut grass clippings or whatever the fuck
she had concocted for us to eat.
I felt a potent surge of envy at the sight of their embrace. Not for their
relationship, though it was definitely one to be modeled after, but because
sometimes it was extremely difficult to watch other people give and receive
so much affection. My mother was clearly uncomfortable in their display
with us present, so she swatted him with a kitchen towel until he dismounted
her to greet us.
From the outside we were the perfect fucking family- doctor dad that was
home every night by six, mom who was loving and nurturing even if she
couldn't cook worth a shit. There was the prodigal eldest child, proficient at
sports and academics, with good looks and charm to boot. There was Jasper,
the middle child who was just as good looking, only smaller in stature, great
at lacrosse and basketball and who got good grades without trying. And then
there was little Edward, the black sheep of the family, obsessive compulsive
freak who failed at life and punished everyone in his family for his
indiscretions.
Oh would you stop with the fucking pity party already.
Poor Edward…everyone is mad at him for royally fucking up.
I remained quiet during dinner, picking at the twigs and berries Esme called
sustenance as Jasper prattled on incessantly about school and about Bella.
Emmett came in from practice a little later, sweaty and streaked with dirt as
he spewed out details of his fucking fantastic quarterback skills and all the
girls who stood soaking in the rain to watch the team. It irked me to no end
that he could sit there and eat marinating in his own filth being so unsanitary
like that, but I kept my mouth shut. No one even noticed that I hadn't said a
word. Not that I was ever so talkative at mealtime, or ever really, but I
always felt like sort of an afterthought; slightly invisible, like the elderly
grandma that got placed in the corner on Thanksgiving and ignored.
I helped with the dishes as Emmett headed upstairs for a much needed
shower and dad and Jasper disappeared into the basement. My mom gave me
a meek smile, which I returned as I set the dinner plates on the counter. She
knew me well, and as she put a hand on my back, she said softly, "Tough
day?"
I shrugged. "No more than usual."
Shutting the door to the dishwasher, she turned to me and said, "Do you
want to talk? It seems like something is on your mind."
I shook my head no, conflicted as to whether to share my angst with her
even though I knew she would undoubtedly understand. She always
understood. But I simply wasn't in the mood to feel.
"Come here," she said, wrapping her arms around my back to draw me into
her chest, giving me no choice in the matter. I buried my head in her
shoulder, sighing and reverently taking in the soothing movements of her
hands rubbing circles on my back. I hadn't realized how much I had craved
affection from her- and not in a creepy I love when my mother touches me-
Sigmund Freud's Oedipus Complex- greatest wet dream ever kind of way. It
was just really nice to be touched by another human.
She understood. And it was funny because when I was little everything
could be fixed with a hug from my mom. At sixteen, my problems were
much bigger than a scrape on the playground or a fight with my brothers, but
still, her hugs were the perfect remedy- as temporary a fix as they were.
"Did you talk to Charlie's daughter today?"
"A little. She's beautiful, mom, and funny. She was lost and I helped her find
her class...and I want to get to know her better, but…I think Jazz likes her,
so…" I trailed off, shrugging my shoulders as I pulled away from her,
cringing at how much of a fucking pussy I sounded like. My mother made
some of my walls crumble effortlessly, and she knew I didn't like that she
had that effect on me.
She stood almost a head shorter than I, her fine feminine features so unlike
my own. She and I had the same shade of deep reddish brown hair, and the
same long fingers, but that was all that I took from her gene pool. The rest of
me was from a man in New York with my old name, who sent her a fat ass
court ordered check once a year in minimal recognition and obligation of his
paternity.
Fucking prick.
"I'm sorry sweetie, I really am. If it means anything though, Dad and I are
really proud of you for overcoming the hurdles. You could have handled this
all a lot worse and we think you are doing great. It will all be over before
you know it, and then it will be a distant memory. You'll move on and forget
it ever happened."
I shook my head, appeasing her, knowing that my eighteenth birthday was
over a year and a half away. Forced abstinence was a living fucking hell and
seemed like an eternity to me.
"Thanks, mom." I said, smiling. "I'm going for a swim." She kissed my
cheek, standing up on her tip toes and I grabbed my board shorts from the
laundry room just off the kitchen.
I swam laps, aggressively parting the warm water as if it were as thick as oil,
heaving all of my frustrations, general and sexual into the strokes.
Afterward, I showered, read another chapter of To Kill a Mockingbird and
finished my geometry homework. I chose my clothes for the next day,
snipping tags off a new shirt and steaming away wrinkles that were barely
even there, until I was satisfied.
It was almost nine thirty, and knowing I had a few minutes to kill, I swept a
dust cloth over my dresser top before running the vacuum over my bedroom
carpet almost ritualistically. Once the machine was neatly tucked away, I
grabbed a cigarette and stepped out onto the wooden deck into the misty
night.
The overhang kept me dry while I flicked the motion sensor light off,
walking around the corner to where I could see Bella's lit window. She had it
cracked open halfway, the night breeze blowing her thin curtains around in a
delicate swirl.
Leaning against the house, I lit the cigarette, sighing in disgust for myself
and my disgraceful actions which as deplorable as they were, I had
absolutely no intention of discontinuing, and waited.
For a while there was no visible movement behind the sheer curtains.
"Where are you, Beautiful?" I asked to no one. I slunk to the floor of the
deck shimming all the way over where I could see inside her room better. I
thought briefly about buying a pair of binoculars at Newton's, but that would
be taking it a tad too far. I was a sex starved hormonal kid, not a psycho.
Keep telling yourself that.
I could see the glow of her computer screen flicker off as she stood and
walked to the closet. Her shirt lifted up and she stood there in her beige bra
looking almost naked in the distance. After several outfit changes, she
admired herself in the long mirror after choosing what I assumed to be the
wining outfit for the next school day.
"Come on, Beautiful…take it off for me, please?' I whined. Finally, her bra
unclasped and to my delight and surprise, she turned to the window, her
breasts perky and full. I gasped and bit my knuckles excitedly, knowing that
her nipples were probably rock hard in the chilled breeze. I wanted to
fucking cry or run laps or something.
Bella gazed out the window for a moment or two, while I instinctively slunk
back against the wall. I knew she wouldn't be able to see me in the darkness,
but still, I felt the need to hide in the shadows like a filthy letch.
Once she disappeared, a minute or so passed and then the room went dark. I
retreated to my bed, watching perversely in my mind as Bella's mouth eased
away the frustration of my day, my unfortunate situation, my whole fucking
sad life.
I spilled aggressively into my hand, wiping my sin and shame away with a
wet towel all the while desperately craving the heat of a wet mouth.
Bella's beautiful, wet mouth.
~%~
Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Thank you to Becca for Beta'ing. Thank you to SuzyQ402 for the
baseball stuff and everything else. Kisses.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 4~ I Think I Like You
Did you ever see a light inside your mind?
Did you ever stop to look what it makes you blind?
You should feel the love from my skin to my bones,
It's a feeling that's making me high...
There is something and it makes me smile, I think I like you.
There is something burning in my mind, yeah, I think I like you.
~Blackbox Revelation- I Think I Like You~
~ Bella ~
In the morning, I woke with a happy grin, showering and dressing in the
clothes I had set out the night before. I slipped on a pale blue baby doll
dress, black leggings and black ballet flats with a little black sweater because
the dress had short cap sleeves and the weather was chilly even for
September. After I blew dry my hair pin straight, I pulled back my long
bangs into barrettes on the top of my head and finished my makeup.
For school, makeup was just the basics, but on the weekends, I usually made
more effort. Evidently in Forks, makeup was kind of a waste considering by
the time one made the trek from the car to the main building, you would
look like a melted wax figure. I noticed yesterday that the girls here didn't
bother with the normality's of teenage girls in sunny towns.
Clothing choices were very basic here, jeans and track suits, sneakers and
rain boots. And the boys were even less casual in sweats and sports jerseys. I
wasn't a clothes snob or anything, but I wouldn't be caught dead in rain boots
in public.
I poured a mug of coffee and sat at the kitchen table next to Charlie who was
immersed in the meticulous cleaning of a telescopic camera lens. He had a
scary pair of heavy black binoculars set next to him and I picked them up,
walking over to the front window. I could see clear into Alice's kitchen, what
she was eating, even the tiny words on her cereal box. Turning to the right, I
couldn't make out much of my neighbor's house through the thick trees and
the drizzle except the driveway where a gray BMW and a white Jaguar sat
parked.
"Whoa, you could do some serious stalking with this, Dad."
"I am a PI, honey, that's what they are for. With serious stalking comes a
serious price. You break 'em, you buy 'em," he chided, sipping his coffee. I
placed the binoculars back on the table carefully, and sat, opening the
wrapper of a strawberry Pop Tart.
"Hey, how's your mom's store doing?" he asked casually, lifting the lens and
squinting one eye to survey his progress. My father intentionally avoided all
indirect talk of my mother. He would ask how her car was, what job she was
currently working, what crazy new piece of artwork she had created, but
never a direct inquisition on how she was. I suppose he had too much pride
for that.
"It's good. Really good actually. You'd be surprised at what a savvy business
owner she is. She runs a tight ship over there and last I spoke with her she
had plans on opening a second store. And from a financial standpoint, it's
doing very successfully. She has a lot of competition, but the word spreads
pretty quickly amongst the young Hollywood crowd, so…She dyed her hair
back to brown too," I added, just in case deep down he was wondering. "She
thinks we look like twins."
He grunted, sliding the lens back into its leather case, clearly amused by the
latter statement. "Hey, I'm leaving for Seattle tonight for a few days, but I
was thinking we'd go out to dinner Sunday, for a belated birthday
celebration. What do you say?" He had already sent a birthday card to
California two weeks ago with a really great beaded bookmark and a gift
certificate to a big chain bookstore. I was actually itching to get into Port
Angeles to pick up some more books, because I couldn't realistically pack
everything I had.
"Oh, that would be cool, I guess. Will Maggie be coming too?" I asked
tentatively, feeling him out. He looked directly at me, obviously confused.
"You want…Maggie to join us?" he asked incredulously, surprised at the
mention of her name.
"Why not, Dad?" I said, with a mouthful of Pop Tart. "Don't you think it was
about time I met the woman you're spending all your weekends with?" I
smirked, raising my eyebrows at him. He didn't blush, but I'm sure he would
have if he'd been born with that mechanism.
"Well, I wasn't sure if… "
"Dad, mom remarried two years ago. I would expect that you would move
on as well. Come, on, I want to meet her, for real."
"Sure, fine. We'll go to that Italian place in town." He resumed cleaning the
lens fervently, while a small smile played on his lips. I suppose he was
happy that it wouldn't be as hard of a transition for me, accepting Maggie
into my life. I mean realistically, I couldn't blame either of my parents for
their separation any more than I could blame them for finding suitable mates
years later. They had gotten married too young, because Mom was pregnant
and stayed together far longer than they should have for my sake. I wanted
them both to be happy even if it was without each other.
We were interrupted by Alice's rapping on the front door and I kissed him on
the cheek as I grabbed my bag. She frowned when she saw my outfit and
made a whiny sound.
"Do you want to borrow the dress, Ali?" I asked, opening the car door. She
smiled and shrugged her obvious answer being yes. "You can borrow
whatever you want whenever you want it. My closet is your closet. I mean
it." She beamed in her seat, and it made me giddy knowing I'd made her
happy.
The sound of a car caught my attention as a brand new silver BMW sped
down the street from the Cullen home. It slowed at the foot of my driveway
and I watched as Jasper leaned over to the driver's side window. Alice
chatted cheerily with him as I made brief eye contact with Edward. He
smiled gently, looking down at his hands and I said, "Morning."
"Morning," he repeated shyly. Though he was wearing the biker jacket again
and a steel gray shirt underneath, he looked moderately threatening enough
to intimidate. But the shyness in his voice was soft and childlike and I
immediately felt something in my chest flutter.
What. The. Hell. Was. That?
Someone's got a crush.
They sped off down the road as Alice and I stared fascinated at their
vanishing image.
"You're right Al, Edward is most certainly gaspy."
~%~
Rose and I chatted incessantly for the first ten minutes of class while Mike
Newton tried to worm his way into our conversation. He had introduced
himself to me, boldly and assumingly throwing his arm around my shoulders
as I walked into third period. Rose practically flicked his forehead in effort
to extricate his arm from my body telling him I would need to be
quarantined. He had a certain charm, and he wasn't without decent looks, but
I found no interest in him in the least.
Though I had always considered English as not only my best subject, but my
favorite, I found myself really looking forward to fourth period. I was caught
up with the reading assignments, and I was admittedly eager to see Edward
again.
You have butterflies for a boy you've barely spoken to.
He was in class already by the time I arrived, his leather jacket hanging off
the back of his chair. He was slouched in the chair, his long denim clad legs
crossed in front of him casually. He was reading an email on his phone,
trying to be discreet about it by hiding it under the desk. Every few seconds
he'd laugh quietly- a sound which tickled my insides. Once the teacher
settled the class, he slipped the phone into his back pocket, never looking
over at me.
It went without saying that I was thoroughly disappointed.
It was the same during fifth and sixth period as well. Edward never made
eye contact with me, nor did he say hello, even at our Bio table where we
were given a quiet reading assignment. He sat two feet away and couldn't
manage to utter a simple greeting.
In study hall, I'd signed in, and looked around for an empty table. The main
area was crowded and pretty damn noisy for a library. Walking through the
doors to the reference section, there were two unoccupied tables in a really
small enclosed area with a giant window overlooking the courtyard. I sat,
peering out the window and pulled out my books.
I immersed myself in history homework when a bag thumping on the table
startled me. When I looked up his eyes assaulted me. They were a pale gray
today, not at all green. "You're sitting at my table." He said flatly, causing
my involuntary smile to fade into a frown.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know," I replied meekly, looking around at the empty
table next to us. "I'll sit over there, I guess," I said quickly, gathering my
things.
"No, stay. It's fine," he said quietly. His mouth moved to say something else,
but he closed it and shook his head. He pulled out the chair with a grating
sound as it scraped the floor and slid down into the seat.
"Thanks," I muttered quietly, insulted and quite possibly even a little hurt. I
thought at least after yesterday in the tree house, we could have considered
each other friends, or at the very least acquaintances. But he seemed to not
want anything much to do with me.
I continued with my homework, sneaking quick glances at him across the
table. Occasionally his eyes would meet mine, but he would quickly divert
his gaze elsewhere. Toward the end of the period, Jessica Stanley, Lauren
Mallory and Makenna Santiago plopped themselves down at my table. I
sighed, steeling myself for their presences and the reputation I had heard
they earned in the past few years.
"Hey, Bella. Nice to have you back in town," Lauren said, as she propped
her chin in her palm, her voice thick with insincerity. Edward rolled his eyes
in annoyance across the table as he continued writing in his notebook.
"Hey guys... how are you?" I replied, feeling instinctively territorial. I hadn't
spoken to them in years, and the last I remembered was that they had begun
to drift away from our crowd. I knew Lauren and Jessica from elementary
school, but I'd never met Makenna until Rose had pointed her out in the
cafeteria. She was petite, with dark curly hair and really pretty hazel eyes.
"Hey, Edward. I like your jacket. It's very James Dean," Makenna said,
reaching across the space between them to touch the leather. His eyes
widened as they followed the path of her hand. He inhaled deeply and she
retracted her arm back to her side, clearly sensing that her touch was not
welcome on his property. The silent exchange made everyone
uncomfortable.
"Thanks," he muttered staring directly at me. I took it as a look that meant
that if I wanted to sit at his table, then that included myself and excluded
present company.
"Um, so listen...we were wondering if you wanted to hang out with us this
weekend?" Jessica said, moving closer to me. The Lauren inched closer as
well and I leaned back in my chair increasing the space between us. It was
like those documentaries on the Discovery Channel with the hyenas going in
for the kill.
I watched Edward's eyes open wide and then narrow into slits as he shook
his head minutely, enough so that I could heed his warning. "I uh, already
have plans with Rose and Alice. You're welcome to join, though."
"No thanks," Lauren snapped. "We're not really part of the same circle
anymore, if you know what I mean." She sniffed as the girls rose from their
seats.
"Let us know if you change your mind, Bella," Jessica said as they departed.
"Bye Edward." He did not respond.
I looked at him questioningly. "What…?"
"They are not good people, Bella. Makenna is okay I guess, but the other
two are…just stay away from them. I'm serious." It was the most sincere I
had ever heard him, not that we'd ever really had a conversation before, but
the look in his eyes and the conviction in his tone made my breath hitch. I
nodded, muttering in agreement.
When the bell rang a few minutes later, I rose, assuming we would walk to
the gym together, but he took off ahead of me without a word. I met the girls
in the locker room, changed and headed out to the floor to be assaulted with
volleyballs. I managed to avoid two but took three to the head and hurt my
finger trying to fend off a wayward volley. It was like being in Hell only
worse.
Jasper jogged over, quietly asking me if I was meeting them at the tree house
again today. I smiled, shrugged and told him yes. Alice and Rose stared
questioningly, but I blew them off and felt horrible about it. Inside I was
flying, and I hadn't even gotten high yet.
I pulled into my driveway, expecting to see Edward's car parked in front of
my house waiting like Jasper's was yesterday, but it wasn't parked there or in
his driveway. Grabbing my bag, I went inside to say hello to Charlie who
was busy packing some clothing. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge,
checked that my mascara wasn't racooning my eyes and told him I was
going out for a bit. He kissed my head, let me know he would not be here
when I got back and I waved goodbye.
I took the path down to the swing set, finding it still deserted. As I sat on the
yellow plastic swing to wait, I wondered if they had forgotten, or if Edward
deliberately drove off a cliff in a desperate attempt to avoid hanging out with
me. Gripping my fingers tightly around the ropes, I rocked forward letting
the swing go. As the momentum gradually took me higher, I felt the cool
wind brush along my face as I went forward and my hair wrap around in
tangles as I swung back.
The movement of the old swing made a terribly loud creaking sound, almost
like a groan. I laughed at the peculiar sound and the ticklish feeling of flying
through the air just like I had done countless times when I was a child. It
was such a liberating feeling, almost like being weightless but still in total
control and I made a mental note to do it more often.
I heard voices and leaves crunching underfoot too soon to slow down.
Edward and Jasper appeared on the path from my house side by side,
wearing matching smiles. I slowed the swing down as they came closer,
scraping my shoes along the wet, overgrown grass underneath my feet.
Once inside the tree house, Edward shut the doors behind him, and I opened
the shutters to the little window to allow some light in.
Jasper lit the joint right away, passing it to me first. I took a drag, and sent it
on its merry way to my companions. Once we were sufficiently stoned and
all made various declarations of being in said state, we sat back and were
quiet for a while.
Edward chewed the inside of his cheek crossing his legs in front of him as
Jasper leaned back on his elbows stretching his long legs next to me.
His foot brushed my leg and he said, "Oh sorry, did I get you dirty?"
He sat up quickly brushing the smudge of mud away. I shrugged my
shoulders, saying, "No big deal," because it wasn't. Edward smiled briefly
before looking away almost forlorn. He was an odd one, for certain.
"So what do you guys do here on the weekends?" I asked. I had a sudden
craving for a cigarette.
"Unless there's a party, on Friday's usually we all go down to La Push and
hang out there. Saturdays suck. It's considered date night or some shit like
that."
"La Push beach?" I asked, remembering the numerous times my family had
gone there over the years.
"Yeah, we hang by the concession stand. It has a big awning and picnic
tables. Everyone brings beverages and we just hang and listen to music and
shit. You're in Forks, babe…not exactly the excitement capital of the world."
he laughed.
"No, it sounds good to me. Do Alice and Rosalie usually go there or…" I
asked, not yet having consulted with my female counterparts about possible
weekend activities.
"Yeah, usually. Like I said, not many options. You could always go to a
movie in Port Angeles or something but no one really wants to drive that
far."
I shook my head. "Hey Edward, you smoke right?" I asked. His head shot up
unexpectedly, his gray eyes piercing into my brown ones. "Can I bum a
cigarette?"
He reached into his pocket, placing the pack on the floor between us, rather
than just handing one to me. He slid it forward a bit, and I thanked him,
pulling one from the almost empty pack. He retrieved the pack, pulled one
out for himself and lit it.
"Anytime," he responded smoothly, blowing smoke up into the ceiling. I
watched his lips encircle the white tube, feeling the overwhelming urge to
put my mouth on the cigarette after him so that I could taste him.
I wanted to fucking taste him.
The sight of his mouth moving around the cigarette instinctively made me
touch my own lips. I licked them, putting the cigarette to my mouth,
mesmerized by his face. He stared back at me pursing his lips before he blew
a perfect ring of smoke over our heads. I took in the way the muscles in his
throat moved and the slight protrusion of his Adam's apple as it bobbed. I
wanted to suck on it.
Wow, you are one baked little girl.
What felt like a million years in my high was probably seconds, but I
couldn't help but feel exposed and ashamed and turned on all at the same
time. Giggling at my stupidity, I snapped out of my hazy reverie and asked
him for the lighter. Edward threw it to me overhand, though I was sitting a
foot and a half away from him. It whipped past my head with a whizzing
sound and smacked against the wooden panel a few feet behind me, falling
to the floor with a thud.
"Ooops, sorry." He apologized immediately as he cringed.
"Jesus, Edward," I said, "My step dad could use that arm on his team."
Reaching behind me, I picked up the lighter and lit my cigarette.
"What team is that?" Jasper asked, rolling onto his side as he propped his
head in his hand.
"Oh uh…my step father is a catcher for the Dodgers." I nodded, blowing a
puff of smoke out the little window.
The two of them looked at each other incredulously and at the same time,
asked, "Phil Dwyer?"
I chuckled, not realizing that they were baseball fans. "Yeah, you know of
him?"
Edward rambled on about how Phil was nick named "Bionic Man" because
of his knee replacement, how he won the gold on the US Olympic Baseball
team in Sydney at the 2000 games, how he played for the Florida Suns
before he was traded to the Arizona Diamondbacks, then he was injured
before finally being signed to the Dodgers last year. He also went on about
Phil's batting average and other various boring statistics, but my head sort of
floated up above the clouds by that point.
I sat wide eyed and laughed again because first off, I had never heard him
speak so much before, and second, he had a passion in him that was
undeniable. This boy was a baseball fan for absolute certain. I found it
interesting that he was able to not only remember all of that information
while high, but spew it out coherently.
"I am impressed," I said.
"Her stepfather is Phil Dwyer," Edward said to Jasper again, as if he still
couldn't believe it.
"I'll get you an autographed ball if you like," I offered. The expressions on
their faces were priceless.
I picked up a Seventeen magazine from the messy stack in the corner and
leafed through it while they mumbled amongst each other about baseball
stats and whatnot. I was not a sports fan at all. My mother dragged me to
Phil's games to sit with all the team wives, but I found it boring and tedious.
Truly, I never quite grasped what the thrill of the game was, at all, other than
admiring the players nice butts in their tight pants.
"Shit!" I cried, as the page cut into my finger leaving a faint ooze of blood.
"Stupid useless subscription inserts!" I sucked on my stinging finger,
drawing the blood into my mouth as the two of them watched intently. In my
mind, it felt like everything I did was overtly sexual, even though it probably
wasn't even remotely attractive. I suddenly needed to pee really badly, but
remembered that my father was at home.
"Hey, would it be okay if I could use your bathroom? Charlie is home and I
don't want him to see me high." They both shook their heads and we
departed the tree house to make our way up to the path to their home. There
was a peculiar pink station wagon with daisies painted all over it parked in
the circular driveway.
"Is that Emmett's car?" I asked jokingly, obviously knowing that it wasn't.
They roared with laughter and Jasper muttered, "That's the housekeeping
service."
Ah, of course they have housekeepers.
They led me through the double front doors into the massive pale gray
marble tiled entryway. I stood gaping for a moment, taking in the elegance,
the enormity and the comfort of it all. Admittedly, I was expecting the home
to be pretentious and ornate, but it was anything but. Aside from the cold
tiles underfoot and the twenty foot ceilings above, the enormous open space
was oddly warm and inviting. The walls were a soft buttery yellow, bordered
by bright white crown moldings, and chair rail.
To the right was an open room with black grand piano set on a low platform.
Behind that sat a massive fireplace with a lovely painting hung above the
decorative wooden mantle. On either side of the fireplace were long
windows, uncurtained, I suppose to allow the rising sun light in. Behind that
was the kitchen which I could only see a small portion of through the arched
entryway.
To the left of us was an enormous living room artfully decorated in almost
white suede couches that looked entirely inviting to sit in. There was a
fireplace in that room as well, with a carved mantle and marble tiles framing
the wood. Several framed black and white family photographs speckled the
mantle and I knew at one point I would like to see them. Beyond that room
appeared to be a smaller room with French doors. Inside, I could see another
set of dark couches and a flat screen television.
The boys slipped off their shoes and set them next to a padded bench by the
front doors. I followed suit, placing my tiny flats next to their enormous
sneakers.
In front of us was a large staircase that led to the second floor, curved in an
arch with a small table that sat under a beautiful painting. It was a Salvador
Dali, and I had recognized it from the countless museum trips my mother
and I took when we lived briefly in New York City. Almost as if pulled by an
invisible string I was drawn to the painting.
"Is that an original?" I asked in awe.
"You know Dali?" Edward asked incredulously, slipping off his jacket to
hang it in the front closet.
"Um, yes. I lived in New York for a bit and my mother and I took countless
trips to the museums there. Dali is one of my favorites."
Edward's smile faded and he said, "You lived in New York?"
"Only for a few months and then we moved on to…"
"It's not an original," Jasper interrupted. "Dad wants one desperately to add
to his collection, but they are hard to come by unless you know the right
people."
I nodded, feeling my bladder cringe. "Bathroom?"
Jasper led me to the bathroom off of the enormous kitchen, but we found the
housekeeper on her knees buried in cleaner. He greeted her politely and then
mumbled something about his and Emmett's bathroom being "fucking
disgusting." Edward sighed, offering to let me use his bathroom, which
elicited an eyebrow raise from Jasper. The exchange was odd, but I was high
so I thought I probably hallucinated it.
With hooded lids, Edward led me up the stairs. We ambled slowly down the
carpeted hall to the last door.
Again, I stood mesmerized by the sight. I wasn't even sure if it was because I
was so stoned. His room looked like it had been clipped from a Pottery Barn
or Restoration Hardware catalogue.
It was so intensely soothing and serene yet unsettlingly sterile at the same
time. Nothing was out of place. There was no typical teenage clutter, no
piles of clothing, not a speck of dust along the dark furniture tops. But more
notable than that, there were no adornments on the shelves other than neat
rows of books and CD's. No awards or trophies, no photos of family and
friends, no banners or seductive posters of half naked pop stars on the walls.
On his desk sat a closed laptop computer and his book bag from school.
So unusual for a teenage boy.
The room had high ceilings with a skylight in the center, creamy taupe walls
and bright white moldings that were contrasted by the rich brown of his
furniture. His meticulously made bed bore a white hotel style comforter that
had a taupe striped border running around the edges, and matching pillows
set against his headboard. On the left was a comfortable looking brown
leather couch. To the right, a brick fireplace with a flat screen television
hung above it sat positioned between two doors.
"Edward, this is beautiful, " I marveled as I sucked on my bloody finger. "I
guess I came on a good day; the housekeeper has apparently already been up
here."
He crossed the room and opened the bathroom door for me. "No, it always
looks like this. She's not really allowed in my room. No one is," he said
quietly.
I looked at him for a second, entranced by his eyes. "Your eyes are gray
today," I whispered. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch his face.
"Oh, um…they change color depending on what I'm wearing," he responded
softly, with a small smile.
Something fluttered in my chest again and I ducked into the bathroom before
I puked or burst into tears or mounted his leg- either of the three a genuine
possibility.
"There are Band-Aids in the cabinet next to the vanity," he called through
the door. "Don't bleed on anything... please." I rolled my eyes and sucked on
my finger again.
I looked around at the beautiful bathroom, which was about the size of my
bedroom and sighed. Again- neat, meticulously clean and clutter free. I
peered in the sink- not a single whisker could be found and by the look of
his smooth face, he had definitely shaved that morning. I don't know why it
fascinated me so much, I suppose I was used to the only two men in my life
being slobs.
I used the toilet, washed my hands and noticed the moss green hand towels
hanging perfectly level on the rack next to the sink. I was almost afraid to
use them, so I patted my hands delicately, not really drying them much.
Wiping them on my leggings, I opened the cabinet for a Band-Aid and
muttered, "Holy shit."
There were six rows of toiletries, all high end brands that I didn't recognize
from the cosmetic aisles of Walmart.
I bet he wouldn't be caught dead there.
I counted seventeen bottles of lotions, creams, colognes and tonics, and
endless assortment of hair products. They were arranged in height order,
labels facing outward, aligned in a perfect row. It felt like a cross between
Sleeping with the Enemy and American Psycho. And truthfully, if he even
closely resembled either, I should have been running away from that
bathroom screaming for my life.
But I didn't.
I just couldn't.
"Hey Edward," I called, opening the door. He was sitting across the room on
his couch with one leg tucked under him waiting for me. "You're a little
OCD, huh?" I chuckled, saying it completely as a joke.
His face fell and he shook his head slowly in silent acknowledgement as his
eyes met mine. In that moment, something passed between us that shook me.
I realized that not only had he let me into his room but admitted something
that was deeply personal and private and possibly embarrassing for him.
And I had made fun of him.
You stupid fucking ass.
Awkwardness filled the air as he looked away fidgeting with his hands in his
lap. He looked so childlike, just as he did that morning, no leather jacket to
hide behind, only his shyness and his anger. His ribbed gray shirt clung to
his chest and arms, revealing defined perfection underneath the fabric.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean...." I said, planted firmly on the bathroom entryway
feeling like a complete jackass. "I was just kidding."
"It's no big deal," he said quietly, shrugging his shoulders. "I'm a neat freak.
Some people call it OCD. Depends on who you ask."
In a meager effort to rectify my earlier statement, I blurted out, "Well, I
suppose I would prefer my boyfriend to be neat than a slob." When he
looked up at me with his eyebrows knitted together it occurred to me what I
had said. "Uh, not that you are my boyfriend…or would be… or want to
be… I mean just that if I had to choose between one or the other I'd pick the
other…" He chuckled, shaking his head.
"Edward," I said sighing, "I am really high and I don't know what the hell
I'm saying right now." He nodded with a smirk, still chuckled at me. The
mood lightened as he rose from the couch, opening his desk drawer to pull
out a cigarette. He offered me one, and I took it gratefully as we went
through the sliding glass door to the wide outside balcony.
The whitewashed wood stretched all the way down the length of the house,
connecting three sets of sliding glass doors, which I assumed were each of
the boy's rooms. It wrapped around the side of the house that Edward's
bedroom was on, ending with a long staircase that led to the patio down
below. In a wider part of the balcony that jetted out in the middle sat a cushy
striped covered rattan loveseat, chair and coffee table with an umbrella.
I gripped my hand on the rail peering over the edge. Below I could see a
partial view of their covered patio, a chair and a huge steel barbecue grill.
Looking straight out, the view was breathtaking. I gasped, never realizing
the true beauty and magnificence was beyond the home I'd lived in most of
my life. I could hear the babble of the river behind their house, most of it
visible from the balcony. The landscape was speckled with tall pines and
beyond that, lush green mountains with hazy clouded peaks. "Wow, this
view is amazing." I wondered if Edward came out here in the morning to
watch the sunrise.
"Do you come out here a lot?" I asked. He was a few feet away from me,
leaning his foot on the lower rung of the rail as he smoked.
"Sometimes," he shrugged. I noticed that his eyes were fixated my bare feet.
I wiggled my toes, which were polished a vivid pink. Each of the big toes
had bright yellow suns painted on them; my mother's idea of something to
remind me of her.
"Suns?" he asked, with his eyebrow quirked.
"To remind me of home," I said softly, slightly embarrassed of how personal
it was to me. "Well, to remind me of California, because I suppose this is my
home now."
"You'll get used to it," he said with a nod. I assumed it was a statement that
echoed his own experience. "Is that the real color of your skin?"
I looked down at the milky white inverted V shaped lines my flip-flops had
left on my feet. "Yeah, I'm kind of pale. You don't like suntans?"
He shrugged. "Not really, no." I nodded, feeling awkward and momentarily
unattractive.
We were quiet for a few minutes, staring out into the distance. I noticed over
to the left of the house was a long glass building. "What is that, the garage?"
Edward snickered, shaking his head no.
"The garage is in the front."
"The servant's quarters?" I raised an eyebrow in question.
He snickered. "We don't have servants, just a housekeeping service."
"Same thing," I snapped. "Ooh, I know…that's where Emmett keeps the
dismembered bodies of his ex girlfriends?" His shoulders shook with silent
laughter. "It's your spy headquarters? I've got it…your dad has a legion of
hungry vampires held captive in there?"
"Yeah right, vampires in Forks. That's original."
"Come on…tell me," I pleaded.
He rolled his eyes and took another drag. "It's an indoor swimming pool."
"You have an indoor pool? Oh, wow that's awesome!" I beamed, surprised at
my own childlike excitement. He chuckled again and put his fingers to his
lips.
"Shhh. Top secret. Don't tell anyone."
I nodded. "Why so covert?'
"Because Emmett has parties here from time to time and all we need is some
drunken asshole to clog up the filter system with puke."
"Ahhh gottcha," I said, nodding. "I bet you have a bowling alley in the
basement too." I mused, more to myself than him.
His face turned a slight shade of red as he snickered and looked away into
the distance.
"Noooo," I said in disbelief. "You have an actual bowling alley in the
basement?' I screeched. "Come on…"
He giggled. "It's just one lane."
"One lane? Get the hell out of here," I said incredulously, sounding like a
total stoner.
"You bowl?" he asked, genuinely surprised.
"Hell no. Have you seen me in gym? I have no athletic ability whatsoever."
"Yeah, I have seen you in gym. You…are...a spaz. Bowling could be a
definite hazard to the people around you," he laughed.
"What?" I said throwing my hand over my heart in mock insult. "I'm not a
spaz, I'm just not as vertically adept as some people." I head my head high.
"You are a full on spaz." He laughed harder, blowing out more smoke. I
reached out to playfully smack his bicep, but he flinched and moved away
faster than I could strike. It was almost instinctive, as if he saw it coming
before it actually did.
"Wow, you have stealthy reflexes for a stoner," I remarked. "Hey," I said
completely distracted, as I leaned slowly over to the look at the part of
balcony that wrapped around the house. "I wonder if you can see my
bedroom from here."
Just then, Jazz bounded through the doors yelling something about me
taking too goddamn long to pee and that he was fucking starving and going
to eat his fucking feet if he didn't get food now.
We sat in the kitchen eating trail mix and rice cakes, which did nothing to
stave off the thirst from the cotton mouth. I was craving an ice cold Sprite,
but all they could find in the enormous butler's pantry was warm bottled
water and lemon infused Perrier. It did the trick.
They apologized for the lack of "decent fucking snacks" while I walked
repeatedly to the front window to check if Charlie's truck was gone. I told
them next time we would have a munchie fest at my house because I had
some really good treats over there. Once I spied Charlie's truck gone, I
thanked them and left, happy but sad at the same time.
I loved both of their company and I was delighted at mine and Edward's
balcony conversation, though surface as it was. I was definitely, without a
doubt attracted to Edward and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why.
Maybe it was his mysterious brooding thing? Maybe it was the fact that he
barely knew I was alive in school? Maybe it was that I really enjoyed a
challenge?
That's so not me though.
Hey you came here trying to start over, so maybe you are a different person
now.
After finishing my homework, I ate a wholesome dinner of a peanut butter
and banana sandwich, and checked my email. I spent a while carefully
picking out the following days outfit before I slipped into bed.
Dear God,
Please bless and feed all of the starving children in Somalia and give the
homeless people a warm place to sleep. Please watch over my family and
my friends and keep Charlie safe on his case. Thank you for keeping me
relatively accident free for the last few days, and I would appreciate the
same for the next few as well. Also, thank you for today with Edward. I hope
that there will be more days like this one even if I don't know why I like him.
I like him, right?
Amen.
At 10:17, I shut the light and lay in the darkness for a long while. I thought
about Edward's eyes and the way they were so stunningly gray today, and his
mouth, the way his lips moved when he laughed. I imagined him on his
couch, his tight gray shirt folded neatly on the seat next to him, wearing only
his jeans and nothing else. He was so beautiful and intriguing, but there was
definitely something off about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on.
So instead of dwelling on it, I slipped my hand under the waist band of my
pajamas.
That night as he did the night before, I imagined Edward working his fingers
on me, bringing me to a place that was magic.
And I dreamed a dream of him so sweet.
~%~
Sleeping With the Enemy is a movie starring Julia Roberts where her
husband was an abusive psychopath who made her turn all the pantry
labels out and keep the towels aligned. American Psycho starred
Christian Bale who was similar to Edward in his OCD and cleanliness
but on a whole different level. Oh and he murdered people. If you get a
chance, watch the "Morning Routine" from that morning on youtube.
It's fantastically creepy and unsettling, even if you've never seen the
movie.

SM owns it.
Very special thanks to SuzyQ402 for the car stuff, the pics, the siggy and
the laughter and thanks to Becca for beta'ing. And I give a big hand and
lots of gratitude to Ben, for his "research" on the reverse grip
technique.
Oh, after this post there will be a thread for Twilighted for High
Anxiety. I'll post teasers and good stuff. Come and play.

High Anxiety
Chapter 5~ I Want to Kiss You
Well it might be the smile
Or the way you look into my eyes
Baby ooh what to do
I won't know until I kiss you
That's why, that's why I got to have you
I got to have you baby
Devin~ I Want To Kiss You
~%Edward~%~
My life fucking sucks balls.
So, if I hadn't been high as that fucking Space Needle thing in Seattle I
would have pissed my two hundred dollar Lucky jeans right there on the
balcony. When I took her out there, it never even occurred to me that she
would make the observation. But she leaned over and I swear to God, a look
of wistful wonderment filled her eyes as she asked if I could see her window
from where we stood.
Her goddamn motherfucking window.
Holy Christ.
I completely panicked, almost turning green with nausea, the possible onset
of a full blown panic attack imminent. But before I could actually answer or
think of anything clever to divert her attention, Jazz walked in and saved my
ass. I knew I owed him big, and he had no clue as to what a humongous
favor he had just done me. If she ever found out, the nightly peep shows
would come to an abrupt end as well as sever any impending friendship with
her. Not to mention adding "creepy voyeuristic pervert" to my reputation as
the "scary quiet freak who dressed well and avoided estrogen like the
plague."
Hey, at least they'd stop thinking I was gay.
However, keeping in mind the fact he called her, "Babe," and casually threw
his arm around her shoulders when he ushered her out of my room…I should
have fucking beat his ass, so in my book we were even.
My clever plan of being a complete dick to her was total fail. The
conversation we'd had on my balcony, though wholly benign, could be
interpreted as highly intimate for a person who hadn't touched or spoken to a
female under the age of eighteen in over a year. Which I should take the
opportunity to mention here- the restraint and commitment that that entailed
was hard fucking work, and quite the daunting practice, I might add….even
for someone as regimented and methodical regarding mundane daily
practices such as I was.
But at some point, I figured I could have innocent conversations with her as
long as I didn't touch her…or let her touch me. That was the tricky part.
She had moved to playfully slap me on the arm when I was teasing her about
being a spaz and I yanked myself back as if she had cooties and we were in
the second grade. She was either going to think I was a total pussy and
scared to get hit by a girl, a germaphobe… or even a haphebaphobic, which
is what most people thought anyway. It was easier to let people assume I had
a fear of being touched than to reveal the ugly truth. I suppose it was always
easier to hide under a mask than to wear the scars of a damaged and fucked
up past outwardly on my face.
Particularly scars that I didn't earn. Well, not really.
Besides, I knew half the Forks High School population thought I was gay
anyway. I never defended it or denied it, and I knew there were rumors
going around about me since the first week we'd arrived. It wasn't a far
fetched notion- I mean, I dressed better than any of these lame K-Mart brand
t-shirt wearing motherfuckers would ever know, I drove a sixty thousand
dollar car, I never spoke to, touched or looked at anything with breasts, I was
a complete neat freak, and totally anal retentive with a generous amount of
OCD thrown in for good measure. Except for being flamboyant, I was just
about everything the stereotype entailed and more.
Regardless of the reputation I had earned, I figured it was better that way,
since all the girls left me the fuck alone. Apparently, the gay male population
of Forks was still hiding dubiously in the metaphorical closet because I
hadn't once been propositioned by a single guy. If I thought about it hard
enough, I might actually be offended by that.
Because…it wasn't like I was hard to look at.
But considering I was a completely indifferent dick to just about everybody
that crossed my path, it wasn't a surprise that I had few guy friends, not that I
really wanted any in the first place. Jazz and Emmett's companionship was
sufficient enough for me to survive on until things changed.
But none of that shit even mattered to me because until two days ago, not a
single one of these generic, small town - trying too hard to look like a
Hollywood starlet girls caught my attention.
Now that Bella Swan moved back into town, I was pretty much fucked.
And to my complete dismay, only in the figurative sense and not the literal.
Never in the literal.
But here was Bella, out on my balcony with me barefoot, high and laughing
and completely unguarded as her hair blew in the wind. I was terrified of
making an ass of myself…and truly, that was a first for me. In Chicago, I
never once had a problem talking to girls because I didn't really give a shit
about any one in particular. Conversation flowed easily, and I came off as a
cocky, suave motherfucker…a few traits I must have inherited from my
biological father, I am quite certain. I also had a ton of female friends, so
talking to girls was actually quite the mundane practice. My indifference
was mostly mistaken for confidence and sometimes arrogance but now…
now I was just a fucking mess. And it was all Bella's fault.
I actually had to brace my foot on the balcony rail to stop my leg from
shaking because apparently, Bella made me fucking nervous. It was
extremely difficult to reign in particularly when being high- for whatever
reason, she had a power over me that let some of the carefully constructed
walls crumble, much to my protest. Marijuana rendered me relaxed and
natural, causing my edge to dissolve. It was entirely frustrating, because she
was so easy to talk to, so I shouldn't have been shitting myself in her
presence. Deep down I knew why that was though.
I never felt this strong of a draw to a girl before. Ever.
I am so fucked…
After she left that night, I discretely watched her walk home and smiled
when she dropped her keys twice at the front door. Jasper watched too,
making crass comments about her ass that made me want to tackle him tot
the ground and rub sand in his eyes.
We ate our obligatory happy earth family organic tree bark and fat free/ salt
free/ taste free soy mulch dinner and I worked out in the basement with
Emmett afterward, still fucking famished. We usually bullshitted during our
workouts, but I wasn't too eager to admit my precarious predicament to him.
Sometimes he could be a complete douche, and I knew very well what he
would say. "Fuck her and don't get caught."
As if it were that easy.
So we talked about music and classes and I changed the subject when he
asked me if I had seen Charlie's daughter with the great ass.
And I don't mind saying how it was pissing me off that everyone was
looking at, noticing, and now openly discussing her ass. It was stupid…like I
was calling shotgun on her ass, claiming all rights to ownage.
Mine, mine, mine…I saw her first...mine.
When we finished up in the basement, my father called me into his office as
I passed his doorway on my way upstairs. I knew it was only a matter of
time before he got a progress report call from Dr. Kate. What a fucking
tattletale she was calling my dad because I had a little temper tantrum in her
office. Even though she was bound by doctor/patient confidentiality, she was
obligated to report my progress (or lack thereof) to my parents.
Gesturing to the chair in front of his massive desk he said softly, "Edward,
please sit." He sat back in his Italian leather chair, closing the lid of his
laptop on the desk in front of him. I played innocent as I sat down in the
chair opposite his, waiting to get reamed. I cringed inwardly as I sat
squirming, obsessing because I hated the idea that I was drenched in sweat
and needed to shower.
I spent the better part of the conversation rolling my eyes and snorting at
Carlisle at his rationale for expecting my cooperation. I knew he understood
my side of the heated exchange as well as my actions in her office, but it was
his role as a father foremost, as well as my doctor, to protect me. Apparently,
behaving in a hostile manner to my court appointed shrink was certainly not
in my best interest.
Just wanting to escape the room coupled with the feel of the torturously hot
leather under my thighs making me insane, I made an unenthusiastic
promise to make a sincere apology to Dr. Kate at the next session. I took the
opportunity to ask for some more Percocet's for my headaches, and he
tentatively but graciously gave me six pills in a tiny zip lock bag while. I
knew he was hesitant about doing so, but truly there wasn't any reason to
be…well, not really. With the exception of alcohol and marijuana, I hadn't
touched anything illegal since we made Forks our residence, but he was
always cautious. I left, slumping to my room, pissed off yet again.
It was still relatively early, so after my non-masturbatory shower, I
vacuumed and dusted as usual, read another chapter of assigned English
reading and worked on my History project. I thought about looking at some
internet porn, but I didn't want the filthy images of random sluts marring the
beautiful ones of Bella sucking me off later on.
I peered out through the arched bathroom window, grimacing as my dry bare
feet got wet in the white porcelain Jacuzzi tub, to watch for her bedroom
light to go on. When it finally did, I headed outside, cigarette and lighter in
hand.
She was in her room a while before she did her personal fashion show in
front of the mirror. Outfit after outfit was slipped over her head, modeled
and scornfully rejected, before the winning selection was chosen- some frilly
red top and jeans I think. The distance made anything from her waist down
difficult to make out. She wore a black bra, seemingly plain and I imagined
her in something lacy and feminine with matching panties.
Lately, I was very much into the low cut, ass cheek revealing boy shorts with
lacy bras and simple tight tank tops with coordinating panties (the
aforementioned as an alternative to the ever fashionable and classic white
button down shirt.) I had watched enough porn to know what I favored and
in my fucked up, highly organized mind I had them categorized into mental
lists grouped into preferences….with starred ratings…and maybe even a bar
graph or two.
Okay not really...but I could if I really wanted to.
Before now, the girls I fantasized about were faceless scantily clad bodies
that I would generally borrow from movies, magazines, or porn, and put
them into my imaginary line of sight while I rubbed one out. But now the
body had become quite distinct. My fantasy girl had soft tanned skin, firm
medium sized breasts, and a toned stomach with a shiny silver navel ring
dangling above the waistline of her low slung fitted jeans. Her back was
always covered by a curtain of wavy chocolate hair that was long enough to
almost graze the sexy little dimples on either side of her lower back. And her
face… her face was fucking beautiful.
After her lights finally went out, I headed back inside and noticed the alarm
clock on the nightstand read 10:17…she was running late tonight. Crossing
the room in haste, I locked my bedroom door before going to my bathroom
to get two towels- one wet and the other dry. I fished in the back of the
nightstand drawer where I found a small bottle of warming lube, then slid in
between the cool covers as I shimmied off my pajama pants. In my head, I
was imagining that it was Bella doing it for me preferably with her teeth as I
removed my t-shirt, laying it neatly on the bed next to me.
I laid the small dry towel on my stomach, dousing my hand with the lube
before I grasped my cock in my right hand. It was hard as steel by then,
aching to have its release inside a warm pussy, but like a good sport, he
understood that he would have to settle for the palm of my hand as usual.
I gripped my cock firmly in my palm, using a reverse stroke technique that I
had heard Ben talking about in the locker room during gym earlier today.
Though it was a sort of awkward position this way, my thumb faced down
and my pinkie grazed the head. I threw my left forearm over my eyes as I
imagined Bella on the swing out back, her hair flying behind her in long
wiry tendrils as the wind took her forward. The slick sensation of skin on
skin took me to the place I needed to be with her as I envisioned myself
walking up to her on the swing, now stationary as she looked up adorningly
at me.
My hand sped up a little faster, while I moved between her parted legs, her
sweet mouth level with my cock. "Hi Beautiful." I whispered, gazing down
at her. She was wearing a white tank top with no bra; the thin fabric clearly
outlining the darker skin of her nipples. My hand stroked a bit harder, and I
let my pinkie rub circles around the head in the liquid that had settled there
as it neared the top.
In my mind, I ran my fingers delicately along her collarbone as she unzipped
my jeans. My thumb traced the strap of her tank top, pulling it down off her
shoulder gently, exposing her gorgeous pert breast. The friction was
growing, heated lube and soft skin burning under my rigid palm, as I sped up
the pace, arching my head back into the pillow.
Bella's mouth licked the head of my cock, as I replaced her tongue with my
pinkie and as I watched her slide my length between her lips. I groaned out
loud at the sight, against my better judgment, because I did share a hallway
with two other occupied bedrooms. Not, that both of my brothers didn't
engage in this very act themselves nightly, but I am absolutely certain,
neither of them wanted to hear me taking care of myself.
"Fuck, Beautiful, you feel so good on my dick," I whispered to her. She
looked up at me through her thick black eyelashes, her sweet smile only
made more perfect by the addition of my cock in her mouth. My fantasy
Bella barely got her lips down to the base of my cock when I released, hot
and spurting on the towel placed on my stomach. I suppressed an outward
cry as I came, squeezing myself firmly in my palm as I allowed it to empty.
I lay, spent and still somewhat sexually frustrated for a few seconds before I
thoroughly cleaned up after myself. Rarely did I jerk off in bed because of
the mess it had the potential of making, but these nightly occurrences
changed all the rules for me. I slept like a baby that night, visions of
beautiful Bella swinging in my head.
*%*
Friday, school was uneventful up until fourth period English. I don't really
even remember specifics of my first three periods, just taking notes
robotically and passing in homework assignments. I began to look forward
to fourth period English, for obvious reasons, but I always figuratively
kicked myself in the ass when I ignored her friendly smiles. She gracefully
brushed it off, and I wondered when it would start to trouble her, if ever, that
I was such a complete dick to this girl when we weren't stoned.
Maybe she didn't even give a shit about my farce of indifference toward her,
but by the way she tried to casually make conversation with me, I knew that
was likely not the case. And I was hurting her, whether I meant to or not.
The problem was that my plan on treating her as if she were nothing to me
was such an outright lie, that it actually hurt me knowing that I was
upsetting her.
I had it bad…and it had only been three fucking days.
The one hundred I received on my English exam and the very approving nod
it accompanied from the teacher elicited quite a reaction from Bella. It
lingered in the forefront of my mind for the rest of the day, making me feel
like shit. I caught her in my periphery nosily craning her neck in order to get
a better look at my test score. When I noticed, I blatantly held the paper up
to her with a very arrogant and sarcastic expression, as if to say, here…you
wanna see, nosy girl?
She gave me a sarcastic thumbs up, looking away red faced. She was clearly
embarrassed, and I immediately felt like shit for being a dick. She didn't
look up at me the rest of the period, and thank God, because she would have
seen me checking her out the whole time. My eyes were fixated on her
stupid pink feather pen in which she was absently tracing along her jaw line
as she took notes. I am sure my mouth was open wide enough that I could
stick my entire fucking foot into it as I unabashedly gaped at her. The red
blouse she was wearing had these frilly ruffles along the wide neckline, soft
and feminine and they matched her red, knee high 'fuck me' boots to
perfection.
As the classroom discussion of racism progressed, I began to imagine her
straddling me in nothing but those boots and a red thong when I was called
upon to answer a question that I had no fucking clue as how to answer. I
asked for the question to be repeated, struggling to answer while shifting in
my seat to hide my erection as it grew rapidly under my pants. I cursed
Bella, her red boots and my fucking fantasies of her in the red boots. It was
then I decided to add the red, spiked heeled knee high, come fuck me boots
to my ever growing catalogue of hot things I would be fantasizing about
when jerking off to Bella.
White button down, white tank top, red thong, red come fuck me boots…
On the swing, on her knees, on my couch…
She didn't have a chance to make small talk in Bio, because Mr. Banner put
on a film accompanied by a worksheet in which we were instructed to fill in
the blanks as the movie progressed. In study hall, I immersed myself in
geometry homework, then my English novel, and finally began scrawling
random sentences on a sheet of loose-leaf, in effort to make it appear as if I
were completely occupied. Across the table, she got the hint, and did little
more than look up when I coughed.
As Jasper and I headed to his car, I noticed Bella talking with a group of
girls while Alice pouted with her arms crossed in front of her. Jasper
discreetly caught Bella's attention, pointing to his watch and mouthing 15
minutes, but she shook her head no, motioning with a circumspect hand to
her ear which we understood to mean that she would call him. I kept my face
blank as I wondered quite agitatedly, as to when the fuck they had
exchanged phone numbers.
A half hour later, we were in the tree house, just Jasper and I, when Bella
called to say that she was sorry she ditched us. Apparently Rose forced her
to go into Port Angeles to shop for new clothes, as she decided it was her
outfit choices that were impeding Emmett from making their quasi-
relationship public. Through the phone, I heard her say, "I'll see you guys
tonight," and, "Tell Edward I said hello."
Jazz relayed the message as he hung up and I shrugged and grumbled an
incoherent, "Yeah whatever," while I smiled brightly on the inside.
She was coming to the beach tonight.
I only smoked a little, knowing we would be drinking later and not wanting
the combined effects of the weed and alcohol to make me tired. Mom left a
message that she and dad were going out to dinner straight from work, so I
made myself a shitty fake soy peanut butter substitute and blueberry jelly
sandwich on shitty whole grain bread with a glass of shitty rice milk.
Jasper and I smoked up in the tree house sans Bella, and I had to say, it was
not the same without her. Something was off. There was a heavy weight
lingering in the air and I couldn't quite identify what it was, but I think we
both felt it. However, neither of us mentioned anything and kept the
conversation between us light. We hung out for a while, bullshitting about
nothing. It grew dark and the rain started to pound on the wooden roof above
us.
It was around nine thirty when we pulled into the crowded parking lot of the
beach, near the concession stands. Emmett rode with us, which was a
welcomed rarity. He usually went with the guys from the team but there was
a game tomorrow and he didn't want to get hammered, so he offered to be
our designated driver.
We may have been derelicts to an extent, but the three of us made a promise
to our parents to never drink and drive, or in my case, use and drive. And we
kept that promise without question or incident.
The barbecue pits were already blaring with orange flames, spitting sparks
into the crisp night air, lighting and warming the darkened space under the
aluminum awning. Tyler Crowley had his iPod dock set on one of the old
picnic tables, blasting out some classic rock tunes while groups had formed
on tables and in corners talking and drinking. Full cases of beer were
propped on the wooden tables and a few people were doing shots of
something from a single glass that was passed around between them.
Emmett pulled a bottle of Grey Goose borrowed from Carlisle's liquor stash
from his letterman's jacket. The three of us took swigs from the bottle
and when Mike and Alec joined us, I put a halt to my participation in the
sharing. Mike got around…I would be damned if I spent the rest of my life
battling Herpes from that undiscriminating douche.
I grabbed a beer off the table, throwing 17 bucks from my pocket onto the
table as was customary. I was three dollars short, but all I had was a 100
hundred dollar bill on me. Ben, having his older brother's college ID, bought
the cases and everyone pitched in so he would get reimbursed for the money
he spent.
I twisted the cap on my Bud and looked for her.
It was crowded already, at least seventy people or so had gathered but she
wasn't there yet. I bounced my knee nervously; turning the bottle cap in my
fingers as I casually scanned the area for her. I turned when Emmett
muttered to himself, "Rose is here."
Which meant that Bella was too.
The girls pushed their way through the crowd, the three of them making a
chain as they clasped hands. Bella was at the end, her hair curly and down,
long against her short black belted wool coat. Her bangs were swept toward
her ear and occasionally she'd blow them away from her eyes. It made me
itchy just to look at them tickling her lashes, but they were sexy as hell and
I'd missed them when she wore her hair clipped up.
Mike and Conner stopped them, likely to make crude remarks or whatever it
was that they did to repulse girls, and Bella laughed rolling her eyes. When
her gaze caught mine, she smiled. I nodded curtly, turning away from her to
light a cigarette. My heart was thumping out of my fucking chest, and I
hated myself for not being able to do what felt natural around her. However,
I was willing to bet mounting her leg while humping her like a horny dog
would not be appropriate in any circumstance.
As they eventually made their way over to us, Emmett approached Rose
coolly, making small talk with her as Alice rambled on to Bella about
something about the diner. I stepped up onto the bench to sit at the table, not
three feet away from Bella, trying to be cool and aloof and failing miserably.
I absently found myself thinking that if she just stood in between my open
legs our mouths would be level.
I wanted to kiss her in the worst imaginable way, and it was becoming
painfully frustrating to be around her. The effects of the vodka were hitting
pretty strong by that point, creating a warm and fuzzy numbness in my face
and chest. I kept smoking my cigarette, inhaling and exhaling in a sequence
of calming rhythm. I loved smoking for that reason and that reason alone. It
was disgusting and unhealthy, but it was relaxing and it made me look like I
didn't give a shit. Plus it gave me something to do with my hands, which
would be all over a certain beautiful girl's ass…
"Hey Edward," she cocked her head to the side, examining me or something
as a smirk lingered on her mouth. The sight of her eyelashes fluttering sent
my coherency into a downward spiral because I still had my thoughts on her
mouth being level with mine and I involuntarily sputtered out, "Hey
Beeee…"
Oh Fuuuuuuccccckkkkkk.
My lips curled around my teeth preventing the "U-tiful" from escaping. My
heart was pounding in my chest at the slip up and I was positive she could
hear the thrums, or at least see the light sheen of nervous sweat that was
forming over my neatly tamed eyebrows.
She quirked her own perfectly arched eyebrow, making her lips twist. "B?"
she questioned. "What…is that your nickname for me or something?" Her
hands slid to her hips in annoyance as she tapped her foot expectantly on the
ground.
I shrugged my shoulders responding ever so eloquently, "Yep." Because I
didn't know what else to fucking say, and I was too shaken up and inebriated
to think of anything clever on the spot.
"What's it for?" she questioned, narrowing her eyes into little slits. She
looked so fucking cute when she was mad. And hot…definitely hot.
I shrugged my shoulders, taking a swig of beer to distract her from watching
my knees shake. "B… for… Bella. I don't fucking know. Just… B."
"It doesn't mean like, B for Bitch or something derogatory?"
"No, why would you think that?" I felt a soft smile spread over my mouth in
genuine incredulity as to her malicious suspicions. Her expression suddenly
mirrored mine.
"Your name for Alice isn't exactly complimentary." Her hands fidgeted at her
silver coat belt buckle.
Ahhh. I shut my eyes briefly in understanding. "I didn't give her the
nickname, Jasper did."
She quirked an eyebrow again, in clear mistrust. "Fine…then I'm calling
you… E." She stuck her tongue out lifted her chin in indignation.
I chuckled and said, "Jasper and Emmett call me E all the time."
"Yeah but my E isn't short for Edward."
"Oh really? What's it short for then?" I countered, still smirking at her sweet
bravado.
She shrugged her shoulders in smug defiance. "E coli…Ebola…" She looked
up a second or two fishing for the correct word when she blurted out, "E…
E…Erection!" Her hand flew to her mouth in horror as I spit out a mouthful
of my beer upon hearing the word erection come from her mouth. I rolled
my eyes at her and laughed, shaking my head. She mouthed, "Oh my God,"
swiped a beer off the table next to me then turned on her heel and skulked
with a dismissive hand wave off obviously frustrated and mortified, leaving
me laughing by myself at the table.
She kept her back to me for the most part, but I could see Alice's eyes
darting from me to Bella to Jasper. Jasper finally approached them offering
bottles of beer, which Alice accepted and Bella declined, as he threw his
arms casually over their shoulders.
I wished I was able to do that.
When Jasper drank, he was overly flirtatious and touchy feely with the girls,
which inevitable led to them thinking he was interested in them. Jasper had
made many a girl cry over the last few years. His cavalier behavior annoyed
the piss out of me. He had so many opportunities and rarely took them, even
knowing the girls he left thinking he liked them would inevitable get hurt.
Jasper would flirt and tease, leaving them to wonder what the hell they did
to make him not want to take them home at the end of the night. A part of
me thought that his sadistic side got off on that, and another part of me
thought maybe it was his way of putting himself out there, while not having
to actually have a relationship with someone. That, which led me to believe
that his break up with Emily was devastating for him, more that he ever let
on.
Again, something that was my fault.
Before Bella arrived in Forks, I spent my Friday nights doing the same
fucking thing- getting high and drunk at First Beach… making mundane
conversation with the guys… watching my brother almost hook up with
someone, and ignoring all of the girls who would on occasion get shit faced
enough to muster up the courage to speak to me. I often wondered if it was a
dare on their part, like being challenged to run up and touch the front porch
of the neighborhood haunted house.
It was usually Jessica, Makenna and Lauren that hung out with the guys in
my group. Not that I had an actual group, but the guys who sat at my lunch
table were the ones we usually hung with at the beach and at parties. I was
like an extension of them...not really friends, but present none the less.
Occasionally if I was drunk enough, I would respond to the girls when they
made petty conversation, but I tried to steer clear of them regardless of my
state of being. They were bitches and I didn't like them. Makenna was all
right though. She just followed everything Lauren and Jess did, and that
made me feel like she had no backbone or identify of her own. I couldn't
respect that.
Anyway, now that Bella was here, I had something to look at…and
something else to be pissed off about. Jasper's arm around her... Mike
showing her his shitty fake ID… Alec chatting it up with her about God
knows what. I was officially obsessed with this girl and she was barely
giving me the time of day.
She disappeared to the other side of the sitting area, talking with Angela and
Ben and some of the guys on the JV football team. That pissed me off too.
A few hours slipped by and the beers went down easily as I remained
stationed on the picnic table, chain smoking while brooding and glaring at
Bella across the way. The more I drank, the angrier I grew. She hadn't said
one word to me, not that I had attempted to talk to her at all either after our
embarrassing encounter, but still.
I left with Jasper to take a piss in the woods across the street and when I got
back, Bella was with Alice, Rose, and Angela sitting at the picnic table
where I had been seated for the past two hours.
Before I could even get close to her, the music changed to a girly pop song
with a heavy techno beat behind it and all of the girls squealed, "I love this
song!" I rolled my eyes, shaking my head at the girlieness of it, as they
began dancing in the middle of the picnic area. Alice grabbed Bella's hand,
dragging her to the makeshift dance floor.
The guys, including myself, stared incredulously, as coats were shed and
tossed onto nearby tables. As silly as it was, they were having such a good
time, and a little part of me was jealous that I would never be able to have
that kind of carefree, uninhibited fun. One, because I hardly even let my
guard down and two, because I lived in a constant state of unhappiness. It
had been well over a year since I felt the thrill or pure joy of something
closely resembling pleasure.
Stop fucking feeling sorry for yourself.
You get happiness and pleasure when you jerk off…
Bella and the other girls wore huge smiles as they danced, laughing and
pursing their lips while they swayed to the heavy beats of the music. They
were carefree and drunk, giggling at each other without a concern in the
world. When a few random guys jumped into the mix with the intention of
grinding their hard-ons into the girls asses, I felt my whole body tense. My
fist gripped the neck of the beer bottle so tightly I thought the glass would
shatter under my fingers.
Because I would kill a motherfucker if he touched Bella. And then it would
be all over for me.
I watched as Mike moved closer to Bella, snaking his arms around her waist.
Jessica gave Bella a nasty glare before she gritted her teeth at Lauren and I
felt a cat fight ensuing. As entertaining as it was, I really didn't enjoy girl
fights…unless they were in bikini's and covered in mud in a plastic kiddie
pool.
I braced my hand on the edge of the table, ready to stand to rip Mike's
fucking head off for touching her, or Jessica's…whoever fucked with her
first. I was not at all concerned with the fact that I had absolutely no right to
cockblock anyone who had interest in Bella, nor that I could probably take
Jessica and Lauren down with one hand, but would get arrested doing so.
What the fuck was I even doing?
I made a mental note to properly warn Bella about Jessica and Lauren. They
could be vicious bitches, which I had witnessed first hand in June when
some freshman crossed Lauren one time too many. The girl lost a chunk of
hair, her front tooth and all of her dignity by the time they were done with
her. She had also peed her pants in fear which inevitably led to the transfer
to another school by September.
I reigned in the imminent loss of control as soon as Rosalie grabbed Bella's
wrist and lifted her up on top of the picnic table. Bella tossed her little coat
on the bench, fluffing her hair around her shoulders. Rose shed her coat as
well, revealing a tight, low cut top that her melon like- tits practically spilled
out of. The two girls danced together, not overtly sexual, but sensual and
beautiful. Bella's arms snaked gracefully above her as her feet moved to the
techno beats of the music.
Bella's soft black sweater, fuzzy and obscenely tight, hung off one shoulder,
exposing a whole lot of tanned, smooth skin. I had my eyes fixated on that
shoulder, wanting nothing more than to kiss her skin there and make my way
up her neck and then to her earlobe and jaw and eventually to her sweet, hot
mouth, leaving the best for last. My dick grew in my pants, harder than ever,
and I contemplated going to Jasper's car to relieve some of the building
pressure.
But I was distracted by her ass, as it wiggled in her tight low cut jeans. She
had strategically placed holes expertly frayed in the knees and one in the
back of the thigh, just under her ass cheek where an inch of skin poked out.
She looked so fucking hot- and I was not the only one who noticed.
Jasper nudged my arm nodding in her direction just before Alice joined them
on the table. He muttered something I couldn't make out, that I probably
would have decked him for, and then opened up another beer. He slithered
up on the table next to me, snickering as he mumbled incoherently. His head
slumped down, and he ran his hand through his hair.
"When did you smoke?" I asked, smelling the distinct odor of weed on his
clothes.
"I dunno. Before…you were pissing I guess."
"You didn't think to ask me, dick?"
"No. You wanna go smoke?" he said slurring, obviously over his limit for
the evening.
"No forget it, fuckwad." I snapped.
Bella turned around, suddenly making eye contact with me. Even though I
was piss drunk and my reactions were sort of numbed and delayed by the
alcohol, my heart leapt into my pants, and I could not break her gaze. A
smile spread across her face and she lifted a finger up curling it forward.
Come here please.
Me?
Thinking she meant my brother, I looked to Jasper who's head was still
down and she shook her head.
No…you.
My knees went completely weak as I swallowed hard, knowing that my dick
could shatter concrete, and that I wanted her tongue in my mouth in the
worst way. I inhaled deeply, zipping my leather to conceal my arousal. I slid
off the table gripping the neck of my beer and took a few long, wobbly steps
toward her. She crouched down, her hands gripping the worn edge of the
table, like an animal waiting to pounce on her prey.
Please don't touch me, Bella. I can't fucking touch you back…
Her eyes met mine again, dark and fierce. I stood a mere two feet away from
her, our faces and our mouths level and I knew if the situation was different I
would have taken her into my arms and devoured her mouth right there and
then. Probably her tits too…and her ass while I was at it.
I took a swig of beer, acting casual and aloof before cocking my head to the
side.
Her smile never faded as I approached. It turned into a cute little smirk.
"Hey B…wus up?"
"Hey E…can I bum a cigarette from you?" She said E with a sarcastic tone,
enjoying our newly formed names for each other. I liked it too, I had to
admit. Though I would like it even more when I heard it come from her
mouth in form of a muffled moan…
I pursed my lips, trying to maintain as much control as my drunken state
would allow, as I fished in my leather jacket for the pack of smokes. I held
my hand out offering it to her, but she just continued to smirk, making no
move to take it from me.
Fuck.
Her lips parted and I carefully stuck the cigarette right in her mouth, praying
that she wouldn't reach for my hand or something. Cautiously cupping my
hand around the end, I lit it, shielding the flame from the wind. I hadn't even
been so close to her before. She smelled of burning wood and soapy clean
perfume or something. And chocolate…was that chocolate?
Bella mouthed, "Thank you." She rose, and resumed dancing seductively on
the table while the puffs of smoke drifted upward from her mouth. I walked
away smiling to myself as I lit my own cigarette with the realization that
Bella was actually flirting with me and I had to completely fucking ignore
her.
21 months until freedom.
Won't even matter, because my balls will have exploded by then.
And Bella will be gone.
At some point Emmett had gotten an eye full of Rosalie's provocative outfit
coupled with the dancing and the lascivious stares she evoked, and stormed
off somewhere to stew in his own jealous stupidity. She took off after him,
leaving Bella and Alice to fend for themselves.
It got late and cold as people began to dissipate, the embers of the barbecue
pit fires going out all around us in clouds of dense gray smoke. Jazz was still
in a coma on the table next to me and Emmett was nowhere to be found.
Bella and Alice were a few feet way, talking quietly. Their coats were back
on and I was unreasonably sad at the loss of Bella's bare shoulder.
"We're going to get going. Are you guys okay to drive?" Bella asked.
"Uh, no actually, we're not." I replied, glancing at Jasper's heap. "Have you
seen Emmett?"
"He left with Rose in her car about an hour ago. Angela was going to give us
a ride home."
"Oh shit, are you serious? That fucking flat leaving bastard…" I seethed.
"Hey, I can drive you home," Bella said. "I only had one beer, like three
hours ago."
Shaking my head I replied, "We have Jasper's car. It's a five speed."
She smiled and rolled her eyes. "I can drive a stick." Jasper's head snapped
up and he muttered something about "no girl driving his car."
"My step father owns a $250, 000 Ferrari which I've been driving since I
was fifteen. I'll be fine." She said confidently, while obviously completely
annoyed.
That was enough reassurance for me. I popped off the table, pulling Jasper's
bicep. "Let's go, Jasper."
I searched in Jasper's jacket for his keys as the four of us headed to his car.
Jasper climbed in the back, his long legs cramming into the tiny space as he
slumped down in the seat next to Alice.
We drove a while, the stillness in the car deafening. It was silent in the back
seat so I turned expecting to see them sleeping; but very surprised to see
Jasper's head nestled in Alice's lap. She was running her fingers through his
hair, her head resting back on the seat with a small content smile on her face.
Bella turned to glance at them and grimaced at me. We both knew he would
be so fucked in the morning when Alice thought they would be getting
married or something. I knew for a fact that Alice was not Jasper's type…at
all.
Fuck it…serves him right for getting so wasted.
Bella was surprisingly good at driving a manual transmission. She had no
trouble with the coordination of the clutch and break and the gears shifted
smoothly under her grip. I watched her hand wrap tightly around the knob as
she moved it into third gear.
Fuck…that should be my cock…
"Hey, you've been driving since you were fifteen?" I asked. "How did you
manage that?"
"Oh, um, Phil and my mom bought a little cabin Napa Valley…wine country.
The roads that lead there are pretty desolate, and he taught me how to drive."
I nodded, trying to picture Bella in a Ferrari, which I immediately added to
the list of jerk off fantasies. "Black?" I asked, trying to get a visual.
"Black? Oh, no red. Phil's Ferrari is red." She replied. "Hey E?" she asked.
"How fast does this car go?"
I shrugged smiling at the continued use of my new name. "Jasper hasn't had
it long enough to test it out, but I'm guessing probably around 140 miles per
hour."
She craned her neck to look behind her at the snoring passengers in the back
seat. A Cheshire grin played on her face. "Wanna test it out right now?"
"Uh…" Before I could protest, she down shifted the car into fifth gear,
sending it into overdrive. Her foot jammed down onto the gas pedal as we
surged ahead at full speed with a huge satisfied grin on her face and only the
purr of the engine surrounding us. If I wasn't so wrecked, I probably would
have shit my pants, but watching her control the sports car like a pro,
fucking excited the hell out of me…until I felt the sudden need to throw up.
"B…pull over. Now!" She downshifted and swerved to the side of the road,
jerking the car to a stop before I threw open the door. I stumbled out onto the
wet grass and purged the entire contents of my stomach with audible
disgusting puking sounds. I heard her door open and her heels clicking on
the ground as she rounded the car toward me, but I held my hand up telling
her with the gesture to back the fuck off.
I got back in the car, popped a mint in my mouth while scrubbing my hand
over my face embarrassed, but still fucked up enough to not really give a
shit. It was her fault anyway. Mostly.
"Sorry," she whispered. She drove the rest of the way home at the speed
limit, silent. I told Bella to pull in front of her house, because I didn't want
her to walk home alone from ours, even though it was maybe a hundred feet
drive way to driveway. We left Alice and Jasper in the car as they were, and
she waved good bye.
As she approached her doorstep, I called out, "Hey B? Meet you in the back
at noon tomorrow?"
Bella turned with her keys jingling. "Noon? No, I won't be home until four. I
have a…thing."
"Four then?" I said weakly.
"Yeah, okay. Four." She nodded. "Night E…feel better."
"Night B."
I watched her enter the house before I sauntered off down the road alone
toward home. I was too spent to pleasure myself, but I smiled in satisfaction
anyway, knowing that I had a whole bunch of new stuff to dream about.
And it all involved a certain beautiful girl.
My B.
SM owns it all.
A huge thank you to Suzy for her inspiration on this chapter…without
her I would still be staring at my computer screen eating chocolate
Twizzlers.
Thank you to Becca for proofing. Thank you to everyone who has rec'd
this story. Go onto the Twilighted thread…I'll post teasers and we can
talk about naughty things.
~High Anxiety~
Chapter 6~ Someone Like You
I've been roaming around always looking down at all I see.
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach.
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
And all you know and how you speak
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me
Kings of Leon~ Use Somebody
~%~ Bella ~%~
I shoved a heaping spoonful of Cocoa Pebbles into my mouth while peering
out the front window. Jasper's car was no longer parked in front.
My mom had been rambling on about the opening of her new store for the
last twenty minutes. I wasn't paying too much attention to her, as I was
consumed in thoughts of Edward, wondering how badly he was hungover
today. I was admittedly anxious to get through the afternoon so I could meet
him at four.
My mom asked, "So when are you coming home to visit?" I rolled my eyes
and sighed in exasperation, not that I didn't expect her to want me back so
soon, but because she knew my moving was not so much a choice as it was a
necessity.
"Mom, I just got here."
"I know but Phil and I miss you." Her voice was laced with sadness and I
could hear her on the verge of tears.
"Mom…come on. Please don't make me feel guilty. I miss you guys too, but
it's just so much better this way."
She cleared her throat, sighing in agreement as she changed the subject.
"How are Alice and Rosalie and Jessica and who was that blonde girl…
Laurie?"
"Lauren, Mom. Jess and Lauren are…like the girls in California so, I don't
bother with them. But you should see Rose…she's like a frigging model and
Alice is just as cute as ever. Oh, speaking of Alice, can you send some tops
in a size small for her? Anything trendy. Oh and maybe some jeans too…
size three? The True Religion's with the studs on the pockets, she would love
those. I'll pay you for it as soon as I get my first check."
"It's my treat, Sweetie, I'd be happy to help out. We just got in some adorable
plaid skirts that would look great on you girls. I'll send those too. So,
how's… Mary doing?"
"I guess she's good. I haven't seen her yet, she works a lot of hours still. But
I'll tell her you said hello." Mary was Alice's mom. She and my mother had
been best friends since forever, but they got into a bit of a falling out when
my mom and dad divorced. I guess you could say that my mother asked
politely for Mary to not be "too neighborly" to Charlie once we'd moved
away, and Mary found her subtle warning to be highly insulting. 'Too
neighborly', meant I don't want him anymore, but I don't want you to have
him either. So back the fuck off. I don't know what had transpired prior to
that to make my mother so forward. Needless to say, they hadn't spoken in
years.
"You do that." She said coolly. "And Charlie? How is he?"
I gave her the run down on the basics…the changes in the house, how
Charlie looked exactly the same except for his bum leg, and I even spoke of
the Cullen's, sans mentioning the three cute boys residing there. I wanted to
tell her about Edward and Jasper, how they were so beautiful and fun but I
tried to avoid the subject of boys with my mother because at the mention of
the word, she would burst into a full on lecture about birth control and STD's
and how college and autonomy were more important than any high school
crush.
She was so terribly jaded about the fact that getting pregnant with me at the
senior prom had ruined her chances of being an artist, though she would
never ever say that aloud. I always felt responsible for the way things turned
out for her when we initially left. Even at twelve, I understood that my mom
had fallen out of love with my father partly because she resented him for
convincing her to have a family so young.
We discussed the fact that I had not experienced any panic attacks in the four
days that I'd been in Forks, and my mom requested that I open a bank
account so she could deposit money in it for me. I protested, saying that
Charlie and my possible new job would give me enough, but she countered
saying that she felt better if she knew I had "mad money" to spend on
frivolous things.
I hung up with her before my cell phone gave my ear a third degree burn and
headed over to Billy's store at noon. It was located in Port Angeles, a good
twenty minute ride from Forks…well, for most people it was longer, but I
drove faster than the average cute teenage girl. His store front was at the
edge of town just at the beginning the industrial area, away from the scenic
shops along the harbor. The large brick building was connected to an
automobile garage that by the apparent presence of expensive foreign cars,
specialized in repairing high end automobiles. I parked in the front, ignoring
the suggestive stares and whistles I received from the greasy men in the
garage.
Billy was behind the counter on the phone when I entered the store, but the
smile that spread across his face told me he recognized me right away. While
he finished his call, I scanned the shelves of party supplies and colorful
piñata's hanging from the ceiling. There were huge signs advertising tent
rentals, Disc jockey's and several pictures of available bouncer houses
behind the register. Once he finished his call we hugged, and caught up
quickly before a tall blonde peered out of the back room wearing a sparkly
green Tinkerbell outfit.
"Bella, this is Sasha." Sasha extended her hand to me courteously. "She'll fill
you in on what she does and show you the ropes. Then you two can head
over to the party and you can see Sasha make her magic." Billy said, with a
genuine smile as he handed her a clipboard that apparently had the
information for the location of the party she was supposed to appear at.
Sasha ushered me over to an area of the back room, which was lined with
various costumes. Some of them were really beautiful- Cinderella's
shimmery blue ball gown, Snow White's satiny red cape, and Belle's bright
yellow ruffled hoop skirt. However, along side the elegant, girlie costumes
were the ones that made me scowl with dread. The matted red fur of Elmo's
costume hung on a hanger underneath a shelf that housed Dora the
Explorer's enormous head. There was Big Bird and a few of the Sesame
Street gang hanging there, Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, and of course,
Barney in all his aubergine wonderment. They smelled like mildew and corn
chips.
Sensing my trepidation, Sasha laughed as she held out the leg of a shiny
pink Power Ranger costume. "You may cringe now, but those are actually
the preferred costumes…the money makers. Once you put on the giant head,
no one knows who you are, and you can act like an idiot without feeling like
one. Keep in mind, the more animated you act, the more the kids like you
and that means bigger tips from all the soccer moms."
"And what exactly does acting like an idiot entail?" I asked.
"Seriously? You jump around, wave, shake the kids hands and dance to
music. The moms always want pictures of their kids with you, so you let
them sit on your lap or whatever. If you have a wand, then you pop the
snotty little brats in the head and call it magic. It's the easiest job in the
world and the pay is excellent. My college tuition is paid for completely."
I nodded and smiled, envisioning myself impaling a four year old's head
with the spike of a star shaped wand. I liked it.
"Oh, but watch the dads when you wear the princess costumes. Sometimes
they can look a little too hard, if you know what I mean? Fucking pervs and
their disgusting fairy tale fantasies." She seethed, opening a door to the large
private changing area.
After she showed me the theatrical makeup and some tricks for donning
various wigs and whatnot, we headed out to Sasha's car, scurrying past the
whistling mechanics, who apparently fancied Tinkerbell.
Sasha murmured, "You'll get used to it. They are all really nice guys under
the layers of grease."
Sliding into her passenger seat, I couldn't help but take notice of the guy
hunched over a dark blue Mercedes. He looked vaguely familiar and I
couldn't quite place his face as he glanced over briefly.
We drove a few minutes into a quiet upscale neighborhood, as Sasha and I
spoke of college and the perks of living at home versus being in the dorms.
Once we arrived at the house, I accompanied her into the home full of
screaming little girls and throngs of moms donning video cameras.
I settled into a corner of the living room as Sasha danced around a bit,
flittering her feet like a fairy would, bopped a few of the girls on their heads
and said the phrase, "magical and amazing" like, a billion times. After
pictures with all seventeen little girls and one very androgynous looking
little boy, she collected her very generous tips and handed out lollipops with
Billy's logo stamped on them. It was easy as pie, and I figured I could do this
gig in a frigging heartbeat.
As we were leaving, the woman throwing the party kindly asked if we
wanted goodie bags, because she had a few extra. I took them happily
knowing that the boys would probably enjoy something not resembling
sawdust when they got the munchies later on. We drove back to Billy's so
Sasha could drop me off and I could tell Billy I would take the job. Once I
squared off with him, working out my schedule and whatnot, I told him I
would see him next Sunday for my first party. I was to portray Snow White.
As I walked to my car, the sun slipped back into looming gray clouds,
threatening to storm.
"Hey!" A distinctly male voice called out, startling me as I slipped into my
front seat.
Oh my god.
I slid back out of the car, grinning as I walked toward the first boy who I had
ever had a crush on. "Jacob?" I asked.
"Holy crap, Little Bella is that really you?" he asked incredulously, opening
his arms to embrace me. His blue shirt was covered in Mercedes poop and I
cautiously kept my distance as I hugged him, as to not get dirty. He pushed
me back a bit, holding onto my shoulders as he examined me. Work in the
shop pretty much halted to a complete stop as the guys looked on curiously. I
hated being the center of attention, especially by a large group of men. I
didn't mind it so much with an entourage, but flying solo and being stared at
was no fun place for me. Before the panic could rise in my chest over the
familiar scene, I pushed it away with a deep breath.
"Jake, how are you?" I asked, cocking my head to the side. His jet black hair
was longer than I had ever remembered him wearing it. He tucked a silky,
jaw length lock behind his ear.
"I'm good Bella, real good. Shit, my dad said you might be coming to work
for him, but I didn't expect…I mean the least time I saw you was at my high
school graduation party and you were what, ten?"
I thought for a moment back to that summer day when I was so sad knowing
he was going off to college. "Um, eleven I think. You look, so…old. I mean,
not old, but mature...like you are an actual guy now. I mean…"
God, I am such a fucking idiot.
"Thanks, I get it," he laughed. "So you're back now? For how long?"
"Um, until I graduate, I guess. But I'm going to work for your dad, so I'm
sure I'll see you around." Peering over into the shop I waved sheepishly at
some of the guys who had yet to resume working and waved. "How long
have you worked here?"
"Oh, it's actually my place. I bought it two years ago after I came home from
college and had no idea what I wanted to do with myself. Graduated WU
with a business degree and the owner was looking to sell his business here,
so I took him over. I'm doing…well."
"Wow, that's great, Jacob."
He wiped his brow with the back of his hand. "Hey, we should hang out
some time, grab some beers or something. I usually go to this place down
the road here, Thirst and Main."
"Uh, Jake…I'm sixteen. Can't get into bars for another five years, but thanks
for asking."
"You are only sixteen? Shit, Bella you look so much older, I forgot. Well
maybe dinner or something…at Chucky Cheese's?" He raised a hopeful
eyebrow.
I slapped him in the arm, playfully rolling my eyes. "Whatever, Jake. Maybe
we can grab some spaghetti over at the senior center, Gramps."
My phone interrupted us as it buzzed with a text from Alice asking if I could
pick her up from work later on. Angela, Alice and I were heading over to
Rose's for pizza and a movie and talk of boys, because inevitably, Rose was
probably down after her fiasco with Emmett at the beach, and Alice was
likely completely mystified as to what the hell happened with Jasper in his
back seat. I noticed it was 3:17, so I said goodbye to Jacob, anxious to get to
the tree house.
I stealthily pulled down the visor, checking my makeup in the mirror before
I headed into the back yard. The storm clouds were just rolling in, as they
seemingly followed me on the drive from Port Angeles.
I made my way down the path, excitedly kicking up wet leaves underfoot.
After last night, I thought things with Edward would have been weird
particularly since I had blurted out the dreaded word, erection to him, like a
giant fucking moron. Never in my life did I want to fade into the floor than
in that moment. I brushed it off, hoping that he was drunk enough to forget
about it. After all, he asked me to meet him here today, so he couldn't have
been too disgusted with me.
Edward made me so nervous. Just his presence across a crowded room threw
me off kilter. I spent the whole night fending off the butterflies in my
stomach, trying not to obviously stare in his direction. He was being
somewhat nice to me…but he was drunk and I noticed that he was much
friendlier when he was under the influence of something.
Still, he called me, "B." I had to wonder about where his new nickname for
me came from, and if it was genuinely innocent in origin. Something about
Edward made me not entirely trust him. That in itself was one of the reasons
I found him so intriguing.
It wasn't four yet, but I heard voices in the tree house as I stood debating
which method of entry I should take; the rock wall, the rope ladder or the
slide. Straining to hear the conversation, I realized it was Jasper and a voice
I did not recognize. I climbed up the rock wall, peering cautiously inside.
Jasper and Emmett were sitting against the closest wall, Emmett in Edward's
usual place. He had wet hair, which I assumed was from the shower he'd
taken after the game. They greeted me, and Emmett held his hand out to help
me inside. I was immediately disappointed at the evident absence of Edward.
"Hey guys, what's going on? How was the game?" I asked, scooting against
the far wall. I was wearing a short denim skirt with a pair of really bright,
obnoxious striped over the knee socks and black sneakers with a strap that
looked like little girl's Maryjanes. I stretched my legs out in front of me,
crossing them at the ankles as ladylike as I could manage, while Emmett's
and Jasper's legs sandwiched mine in between theirs. Emmett, muscular and
strapping in physique, looked like a giant in relation to the rest of the tiny
house.
"We lost and I don't want to talk about how my team has a bunch of fucking
pussies playing on it." Emmett replied curtly.
I nodded and said, "Oookaaay, then subject closed. So Jasper, you look like
shit. How do you feel?"
"Like shit. What did you do today?" Jasper asked coolly.
"I went to see about a job. Where's Edward?" I asked, probably a little too
eagerly.
"He's probably doing his hair or ironing his underwear or something…that
kid loves to iron shit. I swear he would iron the dog if he could." Emmett
responded with a very acidic tone. Apparently Emmett was in a very bad
mood after losing. "Nice socks, by the way. I should have brought my
sunglasses," He added, completely sarcastic.
"Stop hating on my socks." I snapped. Cocking my head to the side, I asked,
"You have a dog?"
Jasper rolled his eyes. "No, we don't have a dog… Emmett is just a sarcastic
motherfucker. Edward is playing. He gets real intense sometimes and loses
track of time. I told him if he wasn't here by a quarter after we were smoking
without him."
"He's playing the piano?" I asked.
They both nodded and I said excitedly, "Let's go get him; I want to hear him
play."
"Oh hell no. He'd fucking kill us if we gave him an audience without his pre-
approval."
"Oh come on, I'll take the blame. Let's go before the rain starts." I said,
kneeling to stand. Jasper stood, climbing over Emmett's legs. Emmett
grumbled something about not fucking moving and that we should get the
fuck back here ASAP.
As Jasper and I took the path toward the Cullen home, he leaned over and
said, "Oh by the way, thanks for leaving me in the car last night. I woke up
at like three am in Xanax's fucking lap with her hands all knotted up in my
hair. How the fuck did that happen?"
"I don't know, Lush. You could barely walk, and you must have been tired
and just put your head on her lap and laid your head down. What did you
expect her to do with all those silky golden tresses in her lap?" I asked
chuckling, as I reached to ruffle his hair. I realized that the gesture was very
flirtatious, and it wasn't meant to be anything but friendly.
"Well, she shouldn't have taken advantage of the situation." He raised an
eyebrow smugly.
I looked at him incredulously, "Take advantage? Did she molest you or
something?"
"Not that I remember, but she was all like, cuddled up with me and shit. I
woke her up and told her to go the fuck home." Jasper's sapphire blue eyes
twinkled, despite the fact that the whites were muddled with a tinge of
bloodshot red – evidence of his partying the previous evening.
"Was she upset?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"I don't know and I don't really care." He spat. I shook my head in
frustration for Alice thinking she must be devastated.
"Don't be mean to her Jasper, she's a sweetheart." He rolled his eyes, gently
kicking me in the rear in an act of playful mischief, if not mild flirtation.
"She's annoying." He replied. I kicked him back and he jutted his body to the
side avoiding my foot.
I said, "I think she likes you." He got me again and I squealed, running
behind him as he circled after me laughing.
"Yeah well, I don't like her. She's not my type." He dodged my foot again,
countering with another kick from behind.
As I was evading his foot, I twisted and slipped, hitting the grass with a
thud. He gave me his hand before he helped me up so I could brush the
leaves off my skirt and socks. We giggled as we walked the rest of the
distance, toward the side of the house with the long windows that faced east.
Our Alice conversation had been closed for the moment, but I was not about
to let him get off so easily. I was determined to get them together one way or
another.
Suddenly, I could hear the music floating from inside, the beautiful melody
tinkling in perfect cadence.
"Is that him?" I asked, surprised. "What song is he playing?" I strained an
ear to make out the music that was so lovely and hauntingly familiar.
Jasper looked up, as if searching for the words in his head as he sang a verse
of Beyonce's "Halo" out loud.
"Wow, it sounds so different on the piano, so classic." I remarked,
remembering the vast difference in the wild rhythmic techno beats of the
song when I danced to it just the night before. As Jasper moved to knock on
the window to grab Edward's attention inside, I said, "No, wait a sec, I want
to hear more."
Through the large window, I observed Edward as he sat at the bench of the
shiny black piano, poised and elegant. His expression was one of intense
concentration, mixed with serenity, as his gaze fixed on the keys. I marveled
at the sharp line of his jaw, clean-shaven and smooth, his lips pressed into a
full pout. Every so often, his eyes would flutter shut and his head would
sway gently as the melody ebbed and flowed from under his fingers.
Edward's dark brown hair was in his usual state of organized chaos, but
today he had it sort of pushed waywardly into the center in a trendy faux
hawk style.
I watched in awe as his fingers danced over the ivory keys effortlessly, the
muscles in his forearms twitching minutely from the movement of his
fingers. He wore a forest green t-shirt with some sort of frenzied design
printed on the front, with the long sleeves of his layered black shirt
underneath pushed up to his elbows. The muddled afternoon light glinted on
a sliver bracelet he wore around his left wrist, the thick masculine links
adorned by a long flat bar, likely engraved with his name on it.
I was frozen in awe of his music. The passion and the splendor of it made
my heart clench as I took in the sight of his masculine beauty. I couldn't help
but feel butterflies tangling in my belly at the realization of his perfection.
Edward's gaze lifted from the keys momentarily, meeting mine. A smirk
played on his lips as I mimicked the expression tenfold. I was giddy at his
friendly acknowledgment of my presence through the window. I thought he
might be upset, but clearly, he wasn't ruffled by me observing him play.
Lifting my hand to wave, Jasper playfully grabbed my wrist, twisting me
into a self defense move before throwing me over his shoulder and spinning
me around like a helicopter. I squealed at the sudden movements and the
dizziness that flooded my head begging him to put me down. Jasper dumped
me to the grass in a heap, sliding down next to me as we laughed, breathless.
I smacked his chest as I rolled over, muttering that he was a shit.
Placing my palms into the grass in front of me, I sat up on my knees,
straightening my skirt, as Jasper laid back onto the grass. "Sorry, couldn't
help it." He chuckled. Glancing up, I caught a glimpse of Edward's denim
covered legs a yard or so in front of me, his posture rigid. His arms hung at
his sides, his thumbs rubbing circles into the center of his palms. I shielded
my eyes from the glare of the bright clouds as I looked up at him.
"Hey, how do you feel?" I asked, a brightness lacing my tone.
He shrugged his shoulders indifferently, before muttering, "I'm okay."
Edward let out a breath and said in a clipped tone, "You ready?" His brilliant
green eyes narrowed, fixed on Jasper. Jasper propped himself up on his
elbows eyeing Edward with an intensity I couldn't quite understand. He wore
an amused expression; unmistakably clashing with Edward's annoyed one. I
looked back and forth between the two boys as they ostensibly engaged in a
silent conversation using only their eyes. The tension was thick and it made
me very uncomfortable.
Breaking the strain, I stood, brushing myself off yet again, and said, "Okay,
what's with the weirdness between you two?" Edward continued with his
defiant stare in Jasper's direction while chewing the side of his cheek.
"No weirdness. Let's just go."
The three of us strode down the path in silence, awkward tension still
brewing between the boys. Edward walked behind me, his gaze focused on
the ground, as Jasper walked ahead. I turned to slow down, matching my
pace with Edward's. "You play beautifully, E."
I want to suck on your earlobe while you play…
or maybe your nipples, but it might be hard for you to reach the keys with
my head in the way…
I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth to shut myself up before I spewed
out anything embarrassing.
He looked up sheepishly through his dark lashes, muttering, "Thanks." His
demeanor was so different from the happy smile I received through the
window. It was obvious that he was upset about something, I just didn't
know what.
"You sure you're feeling okay?" I asked.
His hand scrubbed over his eyes, his palm pressing into his forehead. "I'm
good, B. Just really hung over. Don't worry." Though I knew he was full of
shit, I didn't want to press it any further. It bothered me that he was stressed,
or upset or whatever it was that made him make those circles in his palms.
Emmett was thumbing through an old copy of Seventeen, which he tossed
into the corner of the room with an angry, "It's about fucking time." I
climbed into the tree house last because the skirt I had on was short and I
thought it would be inappropriate to give them a free show. When I got in
there, Edward looked inexplicably fidgety and nervous. I sat against the wall
with my legs folded under me to give him room because the space was really
tight with the addition of Emmett's body.
Edward began to roll the joint, perfect as usual, using every last morsel of
tangy green herbage in the little bag. He murmured something to Jasper
about going on a weed run later before going to Mike 's. Edward lit the joint,
taking two long hits before passing it to Emmett . It irked me to no end that
he never let me have it first, which I felt was rude.
"Hey, what ever happened to ladies first?" I asked sharply, wiping my lip
gloss off with the back of my hand. At least I had the courtesy to do that for
him.
Emmett handed the joint to me, graciously forfeiting his turn and I took it,
giving Edward a pointed glance. He mumbled, "Sorry," and I immediately
felt awful as he looked down, fidgeting with his hands. I let this boy make
me feel like shit for something he did…it suddenly occurred to me how
dangerous that was. He could easily shatter my heart into a million pieces
with one meager glance. I put those thoughts aside, before it made me
anxious and sullen, just wanting to enjoy my time in the tree house.
Once the joint made its journey around to the four of us twice, Edward
snuffed it out on the wall, and put the leftover roach back in the baggie. The
weed hit me like a ton of bricks and I exclaimed, "Whoa, I am stoned." They
all laughed in agreement, murmuring how good the weed was.
As was customary, we all sat back quietly enjoying our highs for a few
minutes. Edward played with his always fascinating lighter, Emmett leaned
his head against the wood with his eyes closed and Jasper made stupid faces
at me.
Outside we could hear the rain gradually grow louder, as it pelted the roof
above us in waves. A bolt of light shone through the little window followed
by an ear shattering crack of thunder. I jumped, with a little squeak, cringing
at the sound. "I don't like storms," I replied, as they boys looked at me
incredulously. The silence returned, as we all sat listening to the storm
brewing outside.
Every time a round thunder hit, I jumped, like a coward. Edward glanced at
me occasionally, mouthing once, "You okay?" I simply nodded,
embarrassed, but touched that he cared.
"So Bella… you got a job today?" Jasper asked, breaking the silence.
Edward turned to look at me briefly and then back to his lighter. The rich
green hue of his shirt made his eyes look like the color of beach glass. I also
noticed he had really nice sideburns, a small mole on the back of his neck
and perfectly curved ear lobes that looked like they wanted to be nibbled.
"Yup, I start next Sunday."
"Where?" Edward asked.
"Ummm…if I tell you, you have to promise not to laugh." I said sheepishly.
Jasper asked, "Are you delivering pizza's or something?"
"No. The tips are waaaay better than that." I chuckled, as three sets of
gorgeous eyes stared at me.
"Oh please tell me you're doing strip –o- grams!" Emmett beamed. I rolled
my eyes at his suggestion, and he scowled, disappointed and muttering to
himself.
"Ewww, no. You know when a kid has a birthday party and the theme is like,
Sesame Street or something and the parents hire a person to get in the Big
Bird costume and dance around?" I paused, pointing my thumbs inward,
winking one eye. "That's me."
"You're gonna be Big Bird?" Emmett asked incredulously, his voice almost a
screech. "But you're so damn short. It'd be like…Small Bird."
"So do the parents get half off?" Edward asked quietly. I looked at him and
laughed out loud because I had never heard him make a joke before. He
smirked at me briefly, before turning his attention back to his lighter. I had
the sudden urge to grab his smirk in my fingers and kiss his face hard,
completely having forgiven him for not giving me first dibs on the weed.
"Are you always Big Bird?" Jasper asked, lids hooded and almost slurring
his words.
"No, it's all sorts of characters, but mostly like the Disney princesses and
stuff."
"Like Tinkerbell?" Emmett asked. "You'd be Tinkerbella." He laughed
heartily at his joke, but no one else joined him but me.
"Yeah, I guess I would be." I chuckled, shrugging my shoulders. "Sometimes
it's Sesame Street , sometimes it's superheroes. Whatever they want. There's
another girl and a guy who work there too so I assume I won't have to be
Superman."
"Yeah, Superman should never ever have boobs." Emmett remarked
seriously, blatantly staring at my chest.
"Hey Em, you remember when Superman came to your birthday party in
third grade?" Jasper asked, laughing. Edward let out a sudden chuckle. "He
was the skinniest Superman ever and Emmett was so pissed he wouldn't
come out of his room for cake."
Emmett groaned, "That stupid guy sucked. I waited all year for him to come
over so I could help him save the world and he was a complete sham."
Edward paused his lighter turns adding, "Yeah… Emmett comes running out
of his room and yells, 'That S on your chest is for Scrawny Suckhead, not
Superman.' The guy was so upset, he almost cried." We all laughed,
watching Emmett as he defended his actions.
"Hey, I am a purist. Don't do something half assed if you don't want to get
called out on it. Leap tall buildings in a single bound, my ass." Emmett
retorted, chuckling.
Jasper said as he looked toward me, "Emmett wore a shiny red cape for five
fucking years. He would run around in his Tighty Whities and he'd only
answer to the names Superman or Clark Kent...even at school." I laughed,
picturing Emmett in nothing but a cape and underwear.
Rosalie must know about this.
"Yeah, well what about you, Dick?" He glared at Jasper with a snicker. "You
went to sleep with your fucking Wellie rain boots on and that stupid yellow
raincoat every night pretending you were a fireman." Edward and Emmett
roared with laughter as I covered my mouth giggling.
Edward turned to me adding, "He would wait on the front steps and every
time the mailman came, he'd shoot him with the garden hose and tell him to
'stop, drop, and roll.' The poor guy got fucking soaked every day, but he still
came with the mail. I bet that guy pisses his pants every time he hears a
sprinkler go off. Mom and dad finally put a stop to it when everyone in the
neighborhood was threatening to start a petition against Jasper because they
were sick of wet mail."
We were all laughing so hard by now, the giggles were uncontrollable. I had
to wipe the tears away from my eyes.
"What about you?" I asked Edward through giggles. "What did you want to
be?"
Jasper interrupted, "Little Eddie here was torn between being a ball player or
a doctor, he couldn't decide. He'd wake up and we never knew if we were
going to be forced onto the coffee table for an exam or dragged outside to
play catch." Edward just smiled and shrugged his shoulders, looking like
that sweet innocent little boy again.
"He would take the stitching out of all of our baseballs and re-sew it saying
he was 'suturing the ball's lacerations'. He was actually pretty good at it,
too."
"Edward would…" Jasper was laughing so hard he couldn't catch his breath,
"Edward would fucking throw his little lab coat on over his uniform at Little
League games and run out of the dugout when a player got injured, yelling,
'Move aside, I'm a doctor!'"
"Kid thought he was Doogie Houser or some shit." Emmett chuckled.
Edward's shoulders vibrated with silent laughter as he his shook head. "Aww
that's so cute." I remarked, still giggling.
"I was ambitious, what can I say?" he replied still laughing. His smile and
his laugh and the way he interacted so naturally with his brothers made
something inside me tingle and ache simultaneously. I took a deep breath,
wiped more tears from my eyes and realized that I really, really liked
Edward Cullen for more than just his ridiculous good looks.
I think I may have just officially fallen for Edward…
My E…
"Edward rocked at 'Operation' and he always had his nose in one of dad's
medical textbooks. You remember when you were convinced you had
dysentery?" he said to Edward who chuckled at the memory. "Turns out he
ate an entire jar of pickles and was crapping for like two days straight."
"Okay, thanks for that memory, douche." Edward scolded. Then the three of
them looked at me expectantly.
"What?" I asked.
"What about you?" Edward asked. "You do anything like that when you
were little…besides play with Barbie dolls?"
I laughed, thinking about being little. "Well, Me, Rosalie, Alice, Jessica and
Lauren had a punk band when we were ten. We sucked, but we thought we
were so good. We would rock out in the garage with our costumes on. It was
pretty cool." I said. "I was really into being a princess for like, years. I was
into fairy tales and princes on white horses and all that happliy ever after
bullshit. I wore my tiara to bed. And I had a wand…" Suddenly I
remembered the goodie bags stashed in my purse. "Ooh! I brought treats!"
The boys eyes lit up excitedly as I dug in my purse for the plastic bags.
There were two bags, both filled with candy, glittery rings, stickers and fairy
wands. I pulled out a snack size bag of Skittles that Emmett motioned for me
to toss to him. "Blow Pop?' I asked, holding up the lollipop.
Jasper snatched it right out of my hands and Edward, sneered, "She said
Blow Pop, not Blow job, Jesus." Jasper gave him the finger. I handed
Emmett the sheet of shiny Tinkerbell stickers, which he proceeded to place
all over Jasper's jeans. I held the bag out to Edward and he peered over to
look inside.
"Do you have any chocolate?" he asked softly. I withdrew a little bag of
M&M's, shaking it in my fingers as he smiled and took it from me.
Emmett narrowed his eyes at Edward asking, "Since when do you like
chocolate?"
"Since right now…what do you give a shit?" Edward snapped back.
I opened the other bag of M& M's, spilling them into my hand. We ate our
treats in relative silence, and every so often we'd hear a yummy sound
followed by a snicker come from someone. The wand was still in the bag, so
I pulled it out, twirling the glittery plastic star in my fingertips.
I noticed the thunder and lightening ceased, as well as the heavy rain.
Pulling out my phone, it read 6:17, and I knew I wanted to eat and shower
and sober up before I headed to pick up Alice and head to Rosalie's house
for the evening. "I'm gonna get going, guys."
"What are you doing tonight?" Edward asked, popping a red M&M into his
mouth.
"Just going to Rosalie's for some girlie time. You know, naked pillow fights
and hair braiding." I rolled my eyes, with a laugh. "What about you guys?"
"We're heading to Mike's to watch the fight." Jasper replied.
"Okay, well, have fun. Oh, before I go," I said as I stood, my 5'2" frame
barely touching the ceiling of the tree house, "As the princess of this castle, I
grant you each one wish. Sir Emmett, so strong and brave I grant you one
wish." I popped Emmett on the head with the sharp spike of the star which
elicited an, "Ouch," from him. I did not apologize.
"Ummm, okay…I wish…"
I hit him in the head again and said forcefully, "Keep it silent or it won't
come true. And close your eyes or the opposite of the wish will happen."
Edward quirked a skeptical eyebrow at me to which I responded, "Castle
rules." Emmett obediently squeezed his eyes shut and wished.
I did the same to Jasper, only a little harder, "Sir Jasper so flirtatious and
funny."
He said, "Shit, owww." He closed his eyes and wished as well while rubbing
the spot that I spiked him on.
I turned to Edward, "Sir E so handsome and mysterious." He cowered in the
corner in mock fear holding his hands protectively over his head. Finding an
open spot, I pegged him in the head too, only softer. He rolled his eyes and I
commanded, "Do it! Make a wish!" He made his wish with a smile on his
face, shaking his head.
"Bye Guys."
"Later Tinkerbella," Emmett said.
Edward called, "Bye Princess B." as I opened the door and climbed down
the ladder toward the ground.
As I walked away down the path, I heard Jasper say, "Shit, she's one mean
princess."
"I heard that…and I know you all wished for blow jobs tonight and none of
you are getting any!" I called out.
With my sparkly star shaped wand in hand, I laughed to myself, as I skipped
home.
~%~
A/N: So Jacob will not be a major player in this fic. He's just there to
enhance the storyline a bit. You guys keep asking me what Bella and
Edward's past deal is. You all want to know WHY he cant touch her. I'm
not gonna tell you *sticks out tongue* It will be revealed shortly, just be
patient.
Also, I am not one of those sweet authors who relies to each and every
review. I read each and every one, and I truly treasure them all,
particularly the ones that tell me how great I am, and how smart I am,
and how they wish they were just like me…ok, not really. But seriously,
if you ask a question or have a concern I will answer in a reply. But I
just don't have to opportunity to reply to you all. So thank you in
advance and I am glad you are enjoying this.
Leave me some sugar.
Xoxoxo
Steph

Mounds, heaps, and piles of thank you's to Suzy for giving me

Douchsper's douchy ways and for giving me Esme's voice, and then
finding it again in your archives when I lost her. You are amaaaaazing
and only a mother of a teenage boy could do what you did. ILY hard
lady.
Thank you to Becca for proofing…kisses to you.
Also, FF has been total fail this week, so I haven't been able to reply to
reviews due to the fact that when I did, it said I was not the author of
this story. Yeah…let me tell you what I had to say about THAT!!! Stupid
fuckers. *sticks up middle fingers on both hands at computer screen*
Thank you to everyone who has been reading and reviewing, and story
alerting and whatnot. Oh, and I apologize if the mention of Edward
being gay is offensive. It is in no way meant to be insulting or hurtful to
others. I like gay people. I have gay friends.
BTW, there are some pics over on my profile. Sometimes they work,
sometimes not. Thanks to Angelatwilight, author of The Ex Factor for
helping me with that, cause I am technotarded. And read her story,
cause it is awwwwwwwesome.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 7~ Hopes & Wishes
My wish for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
My Wish~ Rascal Flats
~ Edward ~
"Yo E, how long till you're done?" Emmett yelled, pointing to his wrist. I
ripped the buds out of my ears as I jogged on the treadmill, sweating and
breathing hard.
"Five minutes, why?" I asked breathlessly my face red and painted with
sweat. Emmett tossed me the towel I had set on the weight bench. I caught
it, wiping my face and neck as I ran.
He yelled, "I need a hand!" I nodded in acknowledgement, throwing the wet
towel back to him. He caught it, shoved it in his pants while gratuitously
rubbing it all over his balls before holding it up to display.
What a dick.
Well, that one will need to get burned.
As I slowed the speed down a level, I watched him stretch his arms against
the universal weight machine we had installed in the basement gym. He was
shirtless, his muscles thick and roping into deep cuts into his biceps,
shoulders and chest.
Emmett had a body that most guys would kill for or do serious steroids to
acquire. He worked out six days a week, with the enthusiasm of an Olympic
athlete. Playing quarterback required that he maintain a certain level of
strength and endurance, and Emmett was committed to achieving it. It would
almost be inspiring, if I didn't know that the main reason he did it was
because he was a completely vain motherfucker`.
This, I should add, was exactly the same reason it was important to me. Not
that anyone of the opposite sex ever saw my body unclothed, but I knew
they eventually would. Maybe it would even be Bella. Maybe.
Emmett had vehemently encouraged my continuation of an exercise regimen
when we moved to Forks. Since I had quit playing ball, I kept up my
workout schedule partly because of his incessant need for a spotter as well as
my innate competitive nature. The Type A in me couldn't stand the thought
of being considered Emmett Cullen's scrawny baby brother.
I worked hard at maintaining my physique, and thanks to my mother's desire
to keep us malnourished, I ate right as well. Plus, I figured that exercising
counteracted the damage I did to my body with the pot smoking and the
weekend binge drinking. Oh, and working out meant time spent with
Emmett which I am not too ashamed to admit I enjoyed.
Yeah, so I like hanging with my brother…and I am a fucking pussy.
Deal with it.
I took the machine down to a slow jog before it tapered off to a complete
stop. With my hands pressed to my knees, panting like a motherfucker, I
watched the beads of sweat drip off my face, splashing onto the rubber
treads beneath my feet. I needed my fucking towel, so I snatched his off the
handle bar of the Elliptical thanking God he hadn't rubbed it against his
sweaty sac yet.
My thoughts immediately shifted to our poor house keeper. I wonder if she
knew what she was getting herself into working in a house full of horny
teenage boys. I prayed to all things holy she wore gloves when she washed
the towels, and then I thought that I might mention to my parents about
giving her a raise.
Emmett sat on the rubber mat beneath him as I knelt, holding his feet down.
His torso lifted from the mat with a grunt, the tight muscles in his abs
contracting as he crunched forward.
"So, uh…what's up with you and Rosalie?" I asked hesitantly. Aside from
apprehensively loaning out his extensive porn collection, Emmett did not
discuss girls, relationships, or sex. Not with me at least.
He laughed, never wavering from his sit ups. "I was wondering which one of
you nosy fuckers was gonna ask me about her first."
Shrugging my shoulders, I added, "Well, it's not like you've been hiding it."
"Yeah, well I'm not sure I want it made public either."
"What does that mean?" I pressed down on his feet harder as they began to
edge forward.
He sighed. "I don't know, man." He responded, changing his angle as he
twisted to work his obliques. "I mean, you've seen her, she's fucking
smoking hot but…" he trailed off, shaking his head. "I'm not exactly
comfortable talking to you about this shit. No offense, bro."
"Why the hell not?" I growled, completely irritated.
"Cause, you can't…I feel like I'm rubbing it in your face, you know? I know
Jasper doesn't give a crap about how you feel, but I don't want to say
anything that's going to make you feel like shit."
"Thanks bro, I appreciate that. I can handle it, trust me. Talk…"
He paused, flopping his back to the mat as he scrubbed his hands over his
eyes. "Well, I like her…a lot. She's fun and smart, and you would think she
was all high maintenance but she's really down to earth, barring the
superficial. She's so fucking…fuckable. But that's the problem."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "I don't follow. It's a problem because she's hot?"
"Uh, yeah. Rose attracts stares even when she's in sweats looking like she
just rolled out of bed. I don't think I can handle having a girl that everyone
jerks off to, you know?"
"Dude, that's just stupid. Sorry… but it is. If you are attracted to her what
makes you think that no one else will be. If that's a problem, then you are
going to be stuck with a chick that is homely looking, and even you won't
want to fuck her without putting a pillow case over her head." I snickered.
He sat up shrugging his shoulders, as he rested his forearms on his upwardly
bend knees." I don't like people looking at my girl's tits, okay. I don't like
them talking about her tits either. That's the other thing…the big thing."
I looked at him expectantly. He sighed again, his hands running agitatedly
through his hair. "Rose has…been around. She fucked Marcus Embry last
year and he came into the locker room giving fucking details about her body
and what her moans sounded like and shit. I don't want everyone to know
what my girl sounded like when she was fucking someone else. It's just
wrong." He looked down, chewing the inside of his cheek. "And the worst
part is, that I want her so fucking bad I can taste her…but I know I'm gonna
be a possessive motherfucker around her, and she's… Rosalie Hale . She
doesn't stand for that shit. I don't know if it's worth the hassle and headache
that accompanies having her as my girlfriend."
"Fuck, Em...I wish I had your problems." I laughed, wanting to smack him
in his fucking head for being such a douche, though I knew exactly how he
felt about not wanting anyone ogling Rosalie's tits. In my case it was Bella's
ass. "You like her? Then suck it up and don't worry about what anyone else
thinks or says or has heard. When did you start worrying over what people
think of you? If she's your girl then you walk beside her proudly, tits and all,
and tell everyone to fuck off. Give her something new to moan about.
Because seriously, if I had a girl like that who liked me, and I could show
the whole goddamn world, nothing would stop me."
He nodded, absently. "Yeah, I know…you're probably right. I just…can't
stop thinking about her, you know? I whack off to her image so much my
palms are softer than a baby's ass." He laughed.
"Yeah, I hear that." I mumbled. I pressed my hands into his sneakers again,
motioning for him to resume sit-ups.
His body fell to the floor and rose again where he paused at the top. "So
uh…what are you going to do about TinkerBell?"
"Huh?" I asked absently, as he had caught me off guard.
He chuckled, "Bella. You can't keep your eyes off that girl. For good reason,
though…she's fucking beautiful." I shook my head in denial, but he rolled
his eyes. "E, don't give me that shit. You like her, I know you do. Your eyes
fucking lit up when she called you handsome."
Sighing, I pinched the bridge of my nose in resignation. "Six days, Em. She's
been here six fucking days and I've seen her five of those days. She's in five
of my goddamn classes. She lives a hundred feet away from us. I watch her
every…day." I cringed, almost having said night. "I want to be with her
more than I've ever wanted a girl in my whole life, but…" I held up my
hands in defeat. "I'm fucked."
"You think she knows you like her?" he asked.
"I've given her no reason to think so. I've actually been outwardly trying to
be a dick to her, so that she'll stay away from me, but it's not fucking
working. I can't be a dick to her."
"Yeah she's a sweetheart. Bro, let me ask you something…" He cocked his
head to the side. "What are you going to do if Jasper hooks up with her?"
Those disgusting words alone made my fucking heart lurch out of my chest
as I recalled seeing her cute little body splayed out next to him on the grass
outside the window. Jasper fucking picked her up and was like, wrestling
with her or some shit. I went from being elated at the sight of her face
through the window to fucking fuming in the time it took to walk from the
piano bench to the yard.
Yeah, I'd fucked up things with him and Emily, it wasn't a secret. Jasper was
my brother and my best friend. He deserved a good girl, and I most certainly
owed him one. But not Bella…not her.
It would kill me to watch them together. There were a hundred other girls he
could have easily, why did he want the one that I wanted? If I had to watch
her with anyone, I should want it to be my own brother, right?
Wrong.
Not having sufficient words to explain how I truly felt, I simply shrugged
my shoulders. "Honestly, it makes me fucking sick to think about it. But
what can I do? It's not like I can be her boyfriend or anything, right? I mean,
what am I expecting her to do… be satisfied with nothing but adoring
glances from across a room for the next two fucking years?"
"Fuck. I don't know, Edward . I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all that shit you went
through…are still going through." He shook his head as his blue eyes met
mine, filled with a hint of compassion and remorse. "I never told you how
fucking horrible it was to watch you just…detach. I wish I could help you
fix this. I wish I was there to stop it before it happened. I should have
fucking been there…"
"Thanks, Em. There wasn't anything you could do and you know it. I just
have to deal with the repercussions of this until it's over. I don't really want
to talk about it anymore though, okay?" I looked at him intently and he
nodded. "Anyway, I think you should suck it up and be with Rosalie. It's
hard to find a good girl, especially in Forks. If you don't do it for yourself,
then do it for me, so I live vicariously through hearing her moan for you." I
animatedly thrust my hips forward pretending to smack an invisible ass. He
punched my playfully in the shoulder, and we finished our workout while
bullshitting about nothing.
As we were heading upstairs, he paused and said, "Hey, Edward. You
know…you could always just fuck her and not get caught."
You see Em, there is where the problem lies...I just don't want to "fuck" her.
~%~
Mom called us to dinner and I peeked outside before sitting down to the
kitchen table. Bella's car had been gone for most of the afternoon and well
into the evening. She had gone to Rosalie's last night, coming home late in
the afternoon and then she was gone again.
After we watched the fight at Mike's last night, Emmett had asked me to
swing by there on our way back so he could see Rose for a sec. He
chickened out at the last minute though, as we idled out front of her house. It
reminded me of that stupid movie Grease. Finally, he just asked me to drive
home. I was infinitely disappointed, because I'd really, really wanted to see
Bella in her pajamas.
Yeah, like I needed another deposit into the "things Bella wears" file to jack
off to.
Had I known that tonight's dinner conversation was going to take a severe
downward spiral, I would have never even sat down.
About half way through eating, as mom passed Emmett the bowl of organic
mashed potatoes which tasted closely like Elmer's glue, she asked him what
his plans for the homecoming dance were. He shrugged his shoulders, giving
me a pensive glance before he responded, "I don't know. I'm not sure if I
even want to go."
Mom gasped, as if he had said he was giving his firstborn child to a band of
Gypsies, and replied, "You have to go Emmett! You are the quarterback of
the football team and you are nominated for Homecoming King. How could
you not go?"
He shrugged replying, "The girl I want to take may not be available." It was
a lie, but sometimes white lies were easier than dealing with Esmom's
persistent questions.
"I'm thinking of asking Bella." Jasper said, his mouth full of organic free-
range chicken.
No fucking way.
The words hit me like a slap in the face and I sighed, staring down at my
plate while I mashed the food around with my fork. A lump formed in my
throat, thick and constricting as I reigned in the loss of control that was
threatening to slip.
I could feel Emmett's gaze planted on me as well as my mother's. Jasper
continued to chew, paying no attention to anyone but himself.
"So you like her?" Dad asked, innocently, unaware of my affections toward
Bella.
"Yeah, sort of I guess. It's not as if I'm thinking about her every ten seconds
or anything, but yeah, I think she's cool. And hot." He chuckled.
"How do you know someone else hasn't asked her yet?" Emmett hedged.
"Who's gonna jump that fast? She's been here for what, three days?" Jasper
replied, confidently.
"Six." I muttered, almost inaudibly, scraping my fork on the china.
"What makes you think she'll even say yes?" Emmett asked.
Jasper laughed, an air of cockiness about him. "Oh, she'll say yes. I was kind
of flirting with her yesterday…you know feeling her out and, and I think she
likes me. She's gonna look great in heels and a dress, don't you think?" He
leaned over and whispered, "And I'm gonna smack that fine ass." I stiffened
in my seat, stabbing the meat violently with my fork.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Then like a total asshole, he added, "Dad, can I use the Porsche that night?"
"I'll think about it, Jasper. What about Edward?" Dad asked, as if I were the
socially retarded younger brother who couldn't make any friends on his own.
Has it resorted to this…talking about me like I'm not even in the room?
"I'm right here, Dad…sitting at the table and to answer your question, I'm
not going. Don't worry about me." I snapped.
"Mom, should I wear a suit to this thing or is it just like a button down and
nice pants?" Jasper asked enthusiastically, completely self absorbed.
She muttered, "Probably not a suit."
"Hey Edward, can I borrow your black Armani pants with the suspenders?" I
stared at him as if he had three fucking dicks, the weight on my chest
causing my breathing and heart rate to accelerate.
Sure Jasper, take my girl to the dance, and wear my fucking pants…take my
balls, my pride and all of my hopes and dreams while you're at it.
"Yeah, Jazz, take whatever you want. Take everything I have. It's not like I
need it." I seethed, pushing my chair away from the table. Everyone looked
up at the abrupt movement that accompanied the noise, and I asked, "May I
please be excused?"
Dad went to say something, but Mom just put her hand over his and nodded.
I tossed my dish onto the counter, and flew up the back stairs to my room
where I paced. My thumbs ran in angry rings in my palms as I made a semi
circle around the bed, back and forth trying to calm down. Finally, I grabbed
a cigarette from the desk drawer, opened the doors to my balcony and
slumped on the cushy chair, my elbows propped on my knees. It was too
early for her to be changing, so I didn't even bother looking in the direction
of her bedroom window.
I lit the cigarette, the calming effects coursing through my veins
immediately. How the fuck was I supposed to deal with this? I couldn't even
handle the thought of him asking her to go to a stupid high school dance,
never mind the notion of her actually accompanying him there. My knee
shook nervously as I ignored the fine curtain of mist that had begun to fall. It
made me sick, because he wasn't even aware of how many times he had
actually hung out with the girl, and here I was counting the days since she'd
been here…and the minutes until I would see her again.
When I heard the door to my bedroom open, I made no attempt to see who it
was coming to console poor lonely Edward. However, when my mother sat
down across from me briefly, before standing again to open the umbrella
attached to the table, I was relieved. I did not want to face Jasper right now.
She knew I smoked, but she had never actually seen me do it before. Her
mouth was turned into a frown, as she fanned away the gray smoke puffs
from her face.
"Ma, if you're gonna complain about the smell then please go back inside. I
need to just…"
"I know, Sweetie. I'm not complaining. Are you alright?" She placed a hand
on my knee affectionately.
"No. I'm not. I know I have no right to feel possessive about her, but Jasper
fucking… he has no respect for girls. He talks about them like they are
objects to just look at. And he doesn't know Bella at all. All he knows is that
she's pretty. But mom, she's beautiful, not pretty. And he won't protect her,
and he…he just sees her as just another hot girl. He has no concept of how
smart and funny and sweet she is. God…I know he misses Emily, but she is
not going to be another Emily for him. She's not, Mom."
I absolutely hated that I was on the verge of tears. No one saw me cry but
my mother, because Emmett and Jasper already called me a "mama's boy"
enough. It was just that I was so conflicted and angry over the thought of my
girl belonging to someone else, particularly a douche like Jasper.
Inwardly, I scoffed at the idea that maybe I should stop jerking off to her
visions of her being loving and affectionate with me because I think it was
seriously fucking with my head.
She is NOT your girl.
This was probably something my shrink could offer a great deal of guidance
with but dare I even mention this to her?
Possessive about a girl I've known 6 days? Doing drugs and drinking with
her on the weekend? Watching her undress and then masturbating to her
image nightly?
Yeah sure, Dr. Kate . I'm not a creepy stalker. Yeah sure, Dr. Kate , you don't
need to call the authorities…
"I know, Edward, I know. I've seen her pictures at Charlie's. She is a
beautiful girl. But you don't know that she will even accept his invitation,
right? Maybe she won't want to go with him. You can ask her too you know."
I snorted, shaking my head at my mother's ridiculous suggestion. "Yeah,
okay. 'Hey B, you wanna go to Homecoming with me. I can't dance with
you, or hold your hand, but I can get you a glass of punch and sit on the
bleachers three feet away from you.' No thanks, Mom. I'd rather stay home."
The look she gave me then was one of sheer and utter pity. She sighed,
cupping her hand on my knee. "Edward please don't make me say this to
you." She looked out into the distance, her hazel eyes reflecting the dark
images of the pine trees. "You know I love your brothers with all of my heart
and soul. But you…you are my son. I will always know what's going on with
you. It's what moms do. I know how much Bella means to you, but its only
been 6 days, baby. Please, please don't get yourself into something that you
cant handle. I have to warn you…that you may not like the results if she
does agree to go with Jazz to the dance. I understand you wanting to protect
her. It's in your nature, but… "
I looked at her with a scowl, and anger boiling in my chest. "No Mom, I
don't think you do understand. Bella consumes my every thought. I see her
when I close my eyes every fucking night, Mom… she's there, right fucking
there. And she's so close that I can almost feel her. Bella has the most
beautiful brown eyes that I have even seen. I could just sit and look into
them for hours because… it's like I can see all of her secrets and hopes and
wishes reflected in them when she looks at me."
I sighed, taking another drag of my forgotten cigarette, as I angrily wiped a
tear away. "You know what she told me today Mom? She was being silly
pretending she was a princess, and she had this wand, you know? So she
made us all make a wish and then… she told me I was handsome.
Handsome…me…not Jazz…not Em…me.
My mother chuckled softly, running her thumb over my cheekbone to wipe
away another fallen tear. "Well baby, have you looked at your self lately?
You are gorgeous."
I snorted, rolling my eyes. "You have to say that… you're my mom."
"No, you don't realize the stares you get when you walk into a room. The
compliments I get about you looking like a model. Sometimes it's
ridiculous!" she giggled, affectionately cupping my chin in her hand.
Embarrassed at her words, I couldn't bear to look at her, which is why I
didn't see the tear coming down on her cheek.
"It just meant so much coming from her. I mean, she called Jazz a flirt and
Emmett brave…but she called me handsome and mysterious. I don't want to
be a mystery to her, Mom. I want to be her knight in shining armor…or
whatever."
"For your princess." Mom whispered softly, her expression troubled. As she
wiped away her own tears, I felt terrible for having burdened her with this.
She should be happy, not crying for me over something no one could
control. But I needed to purge, get it all out before I drove myself into a full
blown panic attack, and she was the only one I could confide in.
"Exactly. I want to be the one she runs to when she's afraid. I want to be the
one she comes to when she is happy. Mom, I want to make her happy. I want
to make her smile and laugh and I want to be the one to tap her head with a
fucking wand and make her wishes come true. That's my job Mom...not
Jasper's because he'll use her, just like she was a replacement player. He
wants Emily, but Bella is not Emily. He won't treat her right, and then he'll
realize that she's not what he wants. And then he'll ruin it for me and he'll
ruin her, Mom. After he's done with her, she won't want to even talk to me
anymore. I'll never even get the chance to hold her hand."
Her face was so downtrodden and full of pity at my rambling, I was almost
ashamed. But Esmom listened like no other, and she let me be who I was
without feeling embarrassed. "I know, Mom. I am a big pussy." She laughed,
holding her cheek in her hand as she propped her elbow on her knee.
She slapped my thigh playfully. "Knock it off. You aren't a big pussy. You're
emotional, and sweet, and you are hurting and baby, I wish I could take all
that away. I wish I could make this all better for you. It is killing me to see
you so frustrated like this." She shook her head, and I took another drag,
blowing the smoke away from her.
"Mom, she's happy all the time. But there's something in her eyes that …I
don't know…just looks a little sad. I don't know exactly why she moved
here. I mean, she was really vague when she told us and I have heard a few
things. I am pretty sure she left California because of a guy. I try to not to
listen or put much weight into it because…if you didn't know already, most
of the Forks high school thinks I'm gay." We both laughed, but my mother
put her hand over her mouth to stifle it. "So, as a practice, I try not to listen
to rumors. But something happened to her at her last school and it hurt her. I
don't want to add to her heartache, I want to make it better for her. I want to
be the one that takes the sad out of her eyes. Jazz will move himself in to her
broken heart and he'll live there and take from her until she has nothing left
to give. I wont let him do that to her. I just can't."
Her hand lovingly caressed the back of my neck, and it felt so good, I could
only imagine what Bella's little hand would feel like there. "Baby, I had no
idea you felt so strongly about your brother's extra curricular activities. You
are really angry with him aren't you?"
"I just don't like the way he treats girls. He leads them on and then they cry.
I've seen so many girls in tears over him. And as it stands right now,
honestly, I don't give a shit about who he fucks, Mom...as long as it isn't
Bella."
"Edward. You do realize that this has the potential to start a war with your
brother. And I am afraid that because of your circumstances, it is a battle you
may not win. Ask yourself if it is worth it to lose the friendship you have
with Jasper over a girl you've only known a few days, regardless of the
intensity you feel for her. You have to spend the rest of your life with Jasper,
but Bella, you may not even care about next week. Ask yourself if it is worth
the fight?"
"Bella is worth it, Mom, trust me. Even if I can't win, I'm not going down
without trying. You know what they say, right? All's fair in love and war." I
sneered.
"Edward, war is dangerous and love is painful. Especially first love. It's
confusing and terrifying and magical all at the same time, but I think you'll
figure it all out in time. Just remember you are loved, no matter what you do,
or what decisions you make. Your dad and your brothers and I are always
here. And we will always love you."
As she took the dwindling cigarette from me, I grimaced thinking she was
going to put it out, only she took a drag instead. I looked at her with
incredulity, thinking that my mother just got a tiny bit cooler in my eyes.
Noticing my expression, she laughed, "You know, Edward I wasn't always
your mother. I was once a 16 year old girl too. And not only was I cool, but I
was very, very pretty." She exhaled the smoke, her lips pursed.
"You're still pretty, Mom."
She smiled, batting her lashes bashfully before rolling her eyes. "Just so you
know…if I were her, I would be dreaming about you too." She put the
cigarette out on the deck, kissed my forehead and whispered, "I love you." I
whispered it back, thanking her for listening.
At the door, she turned asking, "Edward, you said Bella made you make a
wish? May I ask what you wished for?"
I leaned back on the chair, exhausted. "I wished for a fucking miracle."
~%~
I stood in my closet staring down at the black Kenneth Cole shoebox on the
lowest shelf on the shoe section. I chewed on my finger for a while before I
finally knelt down, sliding the box out with trepidation. It was stupid, really.
But at the same time it terrified the fuck out of me because I wondered if it
was normal to do such a thing. I wondered if other guys did this. And then I
wondered if other guys wondered if it was weird.
I lifted the lid, smirking at the contents, before I traced the sparkly plastic
star with my index finger. The little empty snack size bag of M&M's
unassumingly arranged next to it. I picked it up, lifting it to my nose and
taking a whiff of the chocolate that once lived there. The scent wasn't
completely Bella, but it was some of her. I was certain that it was her
shampoo or whatever product she used in her hair that smelled like cocoa.
I'd never really cared for chocolate before, and I was a little pissed that
Emmett questioned it in front of her, but thankfully, she didn't catch on. I
slid the box back into its spot before grabbing my pajama pants.
After the talk with Emmett, our enlightening dinner conversation and then
the heart to heart with Esmom, I was so emotionally drained that I fell asleep
on my couch listening to classical music on my iPod. I woke with a start,
well after midnight, saddened and disappointed that I had missed Bella in
her window. However, I missed her sweet face and decided to fantasize
about her regardless of her absence from my nightly pornographic yet highly
satisfying viewing.
The towels set in their appropriate places, I lubed up my palm with warming
lotion, throwing my forearm over my eyes as usual. I envisioned her wearing
a red lace bra as she pulled up in a driveway in a black Ferrari convertible.
The sun was shining, and there were clear blue ocean waves crashing under
the cliff behind us in foamy white ripples. I slid my hand down my cock
slowly, twisting slightly as I neared the base. She smiled at me, emerging
from the car in red boots- her red come fuck me boots with the stiletto heels.
Her little red flared skirt was so obscenely short; I could see her perfect ass
cheeks peeking out from the hemline.
I stroked again, gripping myself tighter in my hand, suppressing a groan as
she bent over showing me her red lace thong. I whispered, "Oh fuck," as my
real cock and the one in my fantasy grew impossibly larger. She stood,
leaning against the car with a sexy come-hither look on her face. I stroked
again, coming toward the head and rounding over the slick, swollen top with
my thumb.
"Hey E," she said breathily, cocking her head to the side. "Wanna touch
me?" Her hand skimmed over her breasts at the same time I tugged harder
on my cock, pulling my fingers into a tight vice grip around my girth while
increasing the speed. "Hell yes, Beautiful." I hissed, pressing myself into her
hips. I stroked harder and faster, a light sheen of sweat forming over my top
lip. She hoisted her ass onto the hood of the car, spreading her legs wide
open. Her pussy was glistening and bare, as she moved aside her panties to
show me her treasure. I couldn't get my fantasy self's cock out of my pants
quick enough to even touch the girl before I came all over my stomach,
neatly contained by the towel I had laid there.
Fuck I can't even touch the girl in my fantasies, goddamn it.
What the hell are you going to do when you actually can touch her? You'll
jizz in your pants before you even kiss her.
Better hope she's wearing granny panties or some shit.
I cleaned up quickly thinking that I was going to have to up the frequency of
my jerking schedule if I intended to not spunk all over myself on my first
date with Bella in two years.
Like there's ever gonna be one.
~%~
On Monday morning, English was cancelled because of some ridiculous anti
drug assembly. Bella sat three rows in front of me, about seventeen seats
over to the right. Okay, exactly seventeen seats- I had sort of counted. When
the guest speaker mentioned how marijuana was a gateway drug and how it
impaired judgment, memory and a slew of other things, Bella turned, met
my gaze and smirked the most beautiful little derelict smile I had ever seen.
In a quiet act of rebellion, she pointed to the pretend watch on her wrist and
mouthed "three o'clock?" before putting her fingers to her lips as she
pretended to smoke a doobie. I chuckled, earning an annoyed stare from the
girl in front of me, and responded by winking. I fucking winked, and I never
do that.
It was at that moment, when she smiled back at me, wholeheartedly and
genuine, that I knew I absolutely couldn't allow Jasper to ask her to the
dance. Or get anywhere near her. Ever.
Because even if she wasn't truly mine, I couldn't let just anyone have her.
The girls at Bella's lunch table all looked as if their cats had contracted
terminal illnesses or something equally as depressing, so Jasper avoided
Bella. As we were leaving the cafeteria, he told me had planned to ask her to
the dance after school. I had to intercept his efforts somehow. I had no actual
plan, but I was determined to do this, without having myself look like a
cockblocking asshole. After all, I wasn't exactly going to ask her to the
dance myself.
In Bio, Mr. Banner had us busy with heavy note taking all period, so the
opportunity to mention it there was lost, but I had one period left to concoct
a plan. However, by seventh period said plan did not manifest itself, and I
sat at our study hall table resigned and prepared to fight to the death…or
something like that.
Bella plopped her belongings down on the table, sitting across from me as
she read the text message on her pink phone with a scowl on her face. She
clicked her tongue in disgust, or annoyance, I couldn't tell right off, and
typed a message before tossing the phone into her pink bag with a huff.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
She rolled her eyes with a groan, as she tucked a lock of auburn hair behind
her ear. "Your brother is the matter..."
I raised an eyebrow at her. "Jasper? Why what did he do?" My heart sank to
the pit of my stomach. Did he ask her? Why was she pissed?
"No it's Emmett… he's an idiot." She clarified. "Rosalie has been on edge
waiting for him to ask her to Homecoming this Saturday, but apparently it
seems as if he isn't going to. I mean, she already bought a dress and
accessories, and if he doesn't ask her... she's going to be so heartbroken."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "What makes her so sure he was going to ask her?"
"Um, well she would generally assume that if a boy was secretly sneaking
out at night to make out with and accept fellatio from her, then he would
reciprocate by asking her to a stupid dance. It seems that Emmett doesn't see
things the same way Rose does." I nodded, not having realized that Emmett
had omitted details in our conversation. "Fellatio is a blowjob, by the way."
She added, leaning over the side of the table as she checked out my shoes.
Was she looking at my shoes?
"I am aware, thank you." I scoffed, scowling at her patronization. "Are you
going?" I asked, taking in a long breath while internally kicking myself for
asking a question that I did not want to know the answer to. If Jasper hadn't
gotten to her, then I am sure someone else would have by now.
"Um no. I don't really 'do' dances." She said, shaking her head. "Bad
memories, and stuff."
"Oh." I replied, giddy and practically shaking with fucking glee and shit.
"Deadbeat ex- boyfriend?"
She chuckled, mumbling, "Something like that." She bit the side of her
cheek for a second before she added, "I'm going to the game with the girls
and I know there's a party afterwards, so I'll probably go to that. How about
you…are you going?"
"No. Well not to the dance, but definitely to the game and the party." I said.
We should go together. I'll drive. I'll even pick you up. We can pretend it's a
real date and that I am not a complete fucking moron.
"Is Jasper going to the dance?" she asked grimacing, and my heart sank
again.
Fuck. Why did she care if he was going?
"Uh, I'm not sure. He mentioned something about it, but…" I trailed off, at a
complete loss for words. I'd rather omit than outright lie to her.
Do it Cullen. Just find out.
I released a long breath before I asked, "Why do you ask?"
"No reason, really. Alice was hoping…" she shook her head, biting the
inside of her mouth again.
Oh thank you God. I owe you one, Big Guy.
Maybe that's your miracle?
With a tremendous surge of relief, I asked, "Alice was hoping Jasper would
ask her? She shouldn't hold her breath on that one."
Bella's expression was genuinely disappointed, and it sort of touched me
how sweet it was for her to be so bothered by her friend's plight. "Yeah, huh?
I figured as much." She said, blowing her bangs away from her eyes.
"Sorry B. Alice is just not his type."
Bella cocked her head to the side asking, "Yeah I know, he said that too.
Well what is his type, then?"
Apparently you.
Trying to describe my brother's past conquests, I thought about Emily and
her long dark hair and crystal blue eyes, her toned yet curvy figure and her
outgoing personality. "He's into girls that are…more mature looking. Um…
sexy, confident, big boobs. I guess…more Megan Fox, less Dakota
Fanning?"
She nodded, understanding my comparison. "Typical guy," she snorted.
"And you? Do you have a type?" she asked quietly, looking down at the
table. Her gaze met mine as she peeked through her thick lashes.
Um, definitely, definitely you.
Picking my balls up off the floor, I swallowed thickly. "I don't really like
blondes."
She raised her eyebrows, a small smirk twitching at her lips before she
looked back down at her bag. There I sat with the most beautiful girl I had
ever seen entirely prepared to offer her my balls on a silver platter. Shit, she
could keep them in her purse if she wanted. Put them in the freezer even, to
keep them fresh, so maybe we could use them at a later date. The truth was,
that I would hand her my balls and my heart if I could. I'd been walking
around for the past year not using either so what did I need them for?
Here B, ... take them. They will be much safer with you.
Our conversation shifted from the dance, thank God, and onto our recent lab
assignment. We compared notes and Bella agreed to let me do the write up.
The bell rang and we went our separate ways out the double doors and into
the hallway. I wanted to ask her to walk with me, considering we were both
headed off to the gym, but since she had my balls in her purse, I chickened
out.
Despite this, I realized that I was smiling to myself. As I walked down the
hall, skillfully weaving in through and around the females that crowded the
small space, I noticed my classmates giving me strange looks. Fuck. I didn't
care.
Gay men are supposed to be happy. That is what gay means, right?
Gym was non eventful, except for Bella getting smacked with a volley ball
on her head twice, which was actually quite comical. Afterward, I finished at
my locker and found Jasper standing next to his car talking to some
freshman in a tiny skirt who was looking at him like he just walked off the
pages of some stupid girly magazine like Tiger Beat or some shit.
I smoked a cigarette, leaning against his car as I waited for him to finish up
with Short Skirt. After he promptly dismissed her, we climbed into the car.
I sat fidgeting with a Kings of Leon CD case while I contemplated how to
break the news to Jasper. I figured I had better pull off the band-aid quickly
and just get it over with.
"Bella's not going to the Homecoming dance. She doesn't like dances. You
got yourself a back up plan there, Romeo? Maybe you should ask that little
freshman that was just giving you a mental blow-job."
"Shit, E. You know I don't "do" mental. I want the real thing. It's been too
long." He snorted, sliding the key in the ignition. The engine purred to life,
as he removed the CD from its slot, changing it with another.
"Fuck Jazz...you just got some last Saturday after the away game. Or was it
during the game? I've heard two versions".
"You heard about that, huh? Shit, word travels fast around here. Olympia is
what, a good hour away?"
"Well, yeah Jazz. I'm pretty sure the entire school has heard about it. Maybe
you should choose your girls more carefully... someone that can keep her
mouth closed when it's not attached to your dick." I spat, acid lacing my
tone.
Jazz chuckled..."Well Edward, as long as I choose one that doesn't mind
opening her mouth I can deal with the talk. I can ask Makenna to the dance.
I hear she's pretty tight lipped. Ha! Get it? Tight lipped?"
Thinking back to my conversation with my mom...this was the exact reason
I had to protect Bella from him.
"I get it. Jazz...you are a dick. A filthy dick. You need to learn some respect,
bro. What happens when Forks runs dry, man? You know there aren't too
many girls left here that haven't had a lesson in your love em and leave em
game. Actually, I take that back. There's always Xanax." I glowered at him,
hating him for not only being able to touch anyone he wanted, but taking
advantage of the privilege. Fucking bastard.
Jazz shook his head and let out an exaggerated body chill. At the same time,
I looked up to see Bella and Alice walking out of the side doors; the anger in
me completely dissipating upon seeing her. Bella looked absolutely beautiful
as a huge gust of wind blew her brown curls all around her face like dancing
snakes. As she reached up to try to tame it, our eyes met and she tapped her
imaginary watch and winked at me.
Fucking beautiful.
My sweet Princess B. was safe for one more day. I wished I could tell her
how I felt about her but instead, I would happily take on the task of being
her secret knight in shining armor….waiting and willing to obliterate all the
fire -breathing dragons in her life.
Even the ones she didn't know were after her.

Leave some sugar.

xoxox,
Steph
Stephenie Meyer owns it. I like making her characters masturbate.
Thank you to Becca for proofing. And thank you to SuzyQ402, my
muse, my inspiration and my partner in crime. Thank you for giving me
Ohio, and Edward's Boy Scout memories. You are the bones, bb.
I just want to say that I mean no offense to the gay community with this
chapter.
~High Anxiety~
Chapter 8~ Maybe Someday
And I don't want to wait
I just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow
Cause maybe someday We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just
feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow Someday
Rob Thomas~ Someday
~Bella~
Saturday night was interesting…and I say interesting because I have no
better fitting word for the antics that ensued. After I picked Alice up from
work, we arrived at Rosalie's just as she and Angela were downing shots of
butterscotch Schnapps and Bailey's. They offered me a glass, which I
accepted while Alice finished up in Rose's shower. I was informed the shot
was called a Baby Guinness because the colored layers of the sweet liquor
looked like tap beer. I mistakenly thought they said a Baby Penis and that
inevitably led the topic of conversation for the rest of the night.
It turned out, that by all generalizations, sweet girl-next- door Angela was a
complete and total slut. She was Ben's slut however, so that made it okay
since he was the only person she had ever slept with. She basically described
every location and sexual position she had ever been in with Ben, which
included performing a rusty trombone on Ben, taking it up the ass and
fucking in the church parking lot. Our Lady of Grace had now been
appropriately dubbed Our Lady of Disgrace. I made a mental note to Google
rusty trombone.
Let me just add here, that as utterly horrified as I was I wished I had brought
along a pad to take notes on.
I also discovered that Alice was obsessed with penis', particularly so when
under the influence of alcohol. She affectionately entitled the male organ,
"peen" and her eyes got this rather crazy entranced look about them when
she spoke of peen. As she proceeded to get drunk on the shots, she told us
that she was contemplating contacting Martha Stewart, urging her to produce
the paint colors, Perfect Peen Purple, Cream all Over My Face and Ecru
Erection. I am pretty sure she was serious.
Then, Alice revealed that she had not only slept with the hot farm boy next
door to her dad's ranch in Montana while on summer vacation the last two
years, but that lunch table Alec was for all intents and purposes, her fuck
buddy- even though she was madly in love with Jasper Cullen.
This revelation led to my somewhat sorrowful admission of being the proud
(but entirely eager to redeem), owner of a big fat V-Card. They all looked at
me as if I had suddenly grown a giant peen on my forehead. Something told
me that if I had, the three of them would have mounted my forehead while
engaging in a bizarre girl on girl on forehead peen gangbang, but I digress.
They admitted their astonishment came from the fact that I didn't act, dance,
dress or walk like a virgin, and when I asked them to explain what
specifically that meant, there were many shoulder shrugs.
By midnight, we were all pretty wasted on the bottle of Grey Goose Rosalie
slipped out of her parent's liquor cabinet. Rosalie put on her Homecoming
dress, which was fabulous and made me jealous that I no longer had the
desire or the mental stability to attend those functions…no thanks to Stupid
Fucking Whore Bree.
It was then that the tears started.
Rose began crying over Emmett's lack of effort –slash- desire to make her
his girlfriend even though she claimed he went down on her like it was his
last chance at redemption at the Pearly Gates. Alice began bawling about
Jasper hating her and calling her Xanax and telling her to go the fuck home
when he was the one who put her hands in his hair and growled when she
stopped running her fingers through it. Angela wept because she loved Ben
with all her heart but if she married him, then she would never experience
anyone else's fantastic peen.
While they sobbed, snotting all over themselves, I sat there in a
dumbfounded stupor thinking of Edward, but I did not cry. That is, until I
thought about how much happier I was living here only after a few short
days and how much I had missed my old friends Alice and Rose and what
beautiful (yet oddly obsessed with male genitalia) people they had become.
And admittedly, a few of those tears fell, because I knew in my heart that I
truly did want to go to the Homecoming dance despite the terrible memories
of the last one I had attended. However, if accompanied by Edward Cullen,
the scene would be very different, and perhaps quite enjoyable, I am certain.
We gave each other one big group hug before Angela ran off to the bathroom
to puke.
It was no wonder boys were afraid of girls. We're all fucking psychotic.
Around one in the morning, we were back to laughing and eating chips when
Rose gasped as she looked outside of her window. She said incredulously,
"Um… Edward's car is parked across the street." I shot up off of the floor,
my heart racing out of my chest. Rose, observing my blatant eagerness at the
mention of Edward, pointed her finger at me accusingly and yelled, "I knew
it! You like Edward don't you?"
Shrugging my shoulders, I admitted that I did indeed like him very much,
that I thought he was the hottest, sexiest, most amazingly mysterious boy I
had ever seen and that I was eager to give him my V-Card and equally as
eager to view his peen. It was all truth.
I peered out the window along with the rest of the girls, as we watched
Edward's car mysteriously pull away. Then the girls went into a twenty
minute rant about the various reasons of why I needed to not like Edward
Cullen, which I ignored while thinking about his incredible face and
imagining his hands roaming all over my boobs. The twenty minute rant was
followed by another twenty minute discussion on how Edward was so
obviously gay, all the reasons why he was gay and how it would be the
safest sex I would ever have, simply because there would never be any…
because he didn't like girls.
I asked the girls how the hell I was supposed to know if we were gay for
sure and Rose said that I should look at his shoes. Because according to her,
if the shoes cost more than a car payment, it usually meant gay or with gay
tendencies and a healthy dose of curiosity. But that seemed highly
subjective, because Edward drove a really expensive car, and his payments
were likely in the six or seven hundred dollar range. I decided that if he did
have shoes that expensive then he was a just a big fucking idiot, not
necessarily a homosexual.
As the chatter died down, before we all fell sleep, I quietly told them that I
had been hanging out with Jasper and Edward every day, and once with
Emmett in the tree house. Alice clicked the light back on, asked me a
hundred things about Jasper and told me she was not mad that I didn't tell
her sooner. But because of my admission of lusting over Edward, I believe
that softened the blow. As long as I wasn't interested in Jasper, then, Alice
was cool with it.
She did request that I ask the boys if she could join us sometime, as she had
never smoked up and wanted to. I promised her I would, and thanked her for
being an understanding friend. Rose simply asked if he said anything about
her and I told her honestly, no. She rolled over without another word and
that was the end of the discussion.
We slept until two in the afternoon on Rosalie's floor, exhausted, hung over
and feeling absolutely miserable. I drove Alice home, showered and met my
father in Port Angeles at a little Italian restaurant called Bella Italia.
Dad looked hot. I mean for a dad, that is. Apparently, all of his plaid flannel
and work boots had been forcibly retired, and a new, much hipper wardrobe
took its place. I assumed I would be thanking Maggie for that. Charlie's face
lit up when he saw her waiting at the restaurant bar for us to arrive. I think I
may have even witnessed Charlie Swan strutting to our table…or it could
have been a swagger, either one. This was without a doubt a very smitten
man, and I was laughing on the inside.
Maggie was surprisingly beautiful and younger than I pictured her. She had a
really blunt short brown bob that accentuated her deep brown eyes and her
fair skin. Dad said she owned a hair salon in Seattle, and practically beamed
with glee when he spoke of her hair coiffing talents, as if he were her proud
father. I found it all a bit bizarre and sweet at the same time. My father was
in love.
Maggie was dressed in skin tight designer jeans and a trendy top, and used
the word awesome-sauce when she saw my red boots. She and I got along
amazingly well, and for some reason, I felt badly for my mother about that.
Like maybe I was betraying her.
I thought she was great and I told Charlie so immediately. But, as happy as I
was for my dad for acquiring such a gem, I couldn't help but think what a
great couple Maggie and Phil would make. She slept over - which was
somewhat weird, but oddly normal at the same time.
That night, I said my prayers.
Dear God,
Thank you for all the blessings you have given me. Please watch over the
sad people with no friends or family and the children wandering the streets
in Russia. Please take care of Mom and Phil, Charlie and Maggie, Rose,
Angela, Alice , Jasper, Emmet , and Edward. Thank you so much for having
Charlie build the master bedroom not next to mine, because that would be
just…eww. Please guide Emmett into asking Rose to be his girlfriend and
make Jasper fall in love with Alice, because she really likes him. Oh, and if
you're feeling generous, you can make Edward kiss me, because I really
want him to kiss me. I also ask that all the boys' wishes come true especially
Edward's, because hopefully his wish was that he would kiss me too, and
then you could like, kill two birds with one stone. Not that you would want to
kill a living creature, but…you get what I mean. Thanks for all my shoes and
forgive me for smoking pot…and cigarettes. Oh, and for drinking and
cursing too.
Amen
P.S…please let Edward not be gay.
That night I dreamt of vivid swirling images of lush and green, ferns and
moss covered tree trunks and winding branches thick with leaves. I had
walked past Edward, ignoring his presence, not looking or speaking a word
to him as I disappeared into the forest. He followed, keeping step a few feet
behind me, his footfalls eerily quiet.
The cover of the forest had darkened the previously bright light. It was cold-
ghostly cold. I tossed my backpack onto the gnarling roots at the base of a
huge tree and stood, hands at my sides, trembling. I spoke, not meeting his
gaze as he stood motionless behind me. I reached out to touch him, but he
recoiled, almost as if contact with my skin would burn him. He seemed
fearful, frightened of me and I couldn't figure out why.
I'd woken with a start, initially brushing off the peculiar dream, but as the
morning wore on, I realized something pivotal. Edward never touched me.
In fact, he went out of his way to avoid physical contact with me. Maybe it
was a coincidence. Maybe not.
He admitted he had OCD. I had never seen him wash his hands repeatedly or
anything ritualistic like that but could he be a germaphobe as well? He
always passed the joint to Jasper before me, and not once had I witness him
touch another person but Jasper. Though…had he actually touched Jasper,
ever? Would a germaphobe share a cigarette with someone, considering all
the bacteria in saliva? It swarmed my thoughts until lunch, where I let it rest
for the day, because my brain was hurting from obsessing.
On Monday, Rose and Alice moped around, depressed and sullen, still
wallowing miserably over their lack of relationship woes. During study hall,
Edward and I had a highly interesting and informative conversation about
not attending Homecoming. I regretted immediately saying that I wasn't
going only for the reason that it closed out all of his options if he did want to
ask me…but apparently he didn't do dances either. We broached the subject
of types, while pertaining to Jasper I mustered up enough moxie to ask him
what his type was… whereby he admitted that his type was 'not blonde.' On
the one hand I was glad… because I for one, was not blonde- so, score one
for me. But on the other hand, he did not specify blonde girl. After that, I
made a point of analyzing everything he said or did in order to determine if
he was indeed, homosexual.
And of course, as advised by my lovely friend Rosalie Hale, I checked out
his shoes. He was wearing sneakers. Perfectly pristine white Nike's, that
coordinated with his perfectly pristine white v neck cotton shirt that clung to
his body and hugged the curves of his chest and biceps and oh my god was
he beautiful. However, after admiring all of his outward beauty and pristine-
ness, I was left with not a single clue on the path of discovering Edward's
sexual orientation.
Gay-dar on.
After gym, I headed out to the parking lot where Jasper, leaning casually
against the driver's side door of his car, chatted with some little girl in a skirt
so short her butt cheeks were almost hanging out. Edward was discreetly
smoking a cigarette, leaning with a foot on the bumper. He was wearing a
black jacket open enough to see his aforementioned white shirt underneath
and dark jeans with really cool distressed front pockets. His eyes were a
beautiful shade of beach glass green again.
I cocked my head to the side trying to decide if his stance was gay. Or his
outfit. But I couldn't determine anything by either. He looked handsome as
usual; nothing telling at all.
As they pulled out of the parking space, my hair was swept up by a gust of
wind, and I met Edward's gaze at that moment. He looked odd, as if he had
seen something peculiar, but I just tapped my wrist, playfully winking at him
in return of his earlier gesture at the assembly.
I had noticed that things with Edward and I had taken a peculiar turn. It
wasn't something entirely tangible, but it was a definite shift in our
relationship. Friendship? Acquaintanceship? Whatever the hell it was, we
seemed closer, somehow…like we shared a secret or something no one else
knew.
In the tree house, I continued to look for signs of gayness, but found none-
not that I even really knew what specifically to look for other than his stupid
shoes. However, I did notice that same weirdness that was evident between
him and Jasper on Saturday afternoon was back, though more from Edward
than from Jasper.
Edward rolled, lit, and took a puff of the joint first, before handing it to me. I
smiled at him, mouthing a gracious "thank you", but he just rolled his eyes
with a smirk on his face.
The boy listened to me.
As they passed the joint around, I decided to take just a small drag, enough
to feel a slight buzz. Getting high everyday was gradually weighing heavily
on me, however I hadn't slept this well in years.
About two hours and a lengthy yet heated argument on the best possible ice
cream sundae combinations, I heard footsteps rustling in the wet leaves
outside.
"Shhhhhh. Listen." I waved my hand in the air to tell them to shut up, before
putting my finger to my lips. "Someone's coming." The boys froze; their
eyes wide, their expressions glazed with mock fear.
Edward crawled slowly over to the window on his hands and knees, carnal
and looking very mountain lion-ish and amazingly hot, I might mention. He
quickly poked his head outside to see who was coming. "There's no one out
there," he whispered.
"Yes there is." I whispered back. "I heard footsteps."
"Maybe it was a bear." Jasper said with a chuckle. "Or a sheep." Edward
turned slowly, giving him a death glare before rolling his eyes in my
direction.
"What the fuck would a sheep be doing in our back yard?" Edward spat, still
in a forced whisper.
Jasper whispered, "I don't know…maybe the circus is in town and one of
their world famous acrobatic sheep got loose."
"You are a complete retard and it's times like this that I thank God I don't
share DNA with you." Edward whispered, still perched at the windowsill.
Suddenly, the shutters of the window on the opposite side of the wall from
Edward flew open with a smacking sound. Edward jumped and hit his head
on the top of the window sill with a string of expletives as Jasper and I
screamed.
Emmett's face peered in the window as he laughed his ass off. I threw a
magazine at him. "Mom wants you to come in for dinner."
"Okay, I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow." I said, gathering my bag and
kneeling to stand.
"Oh, no Tink. Esmom specifically said to drag you in too. She knows you're
all out here." Emmett said.
"Is she pissed?" Edward asked, genuinely seeming afraid of his mother's
reaction.
"No, she doesn't know your smoking up…just that you're hanging out."
"Ummm, I am not meeting your parents stoned. Sorry." I said, moving to the
door in protest.
"Don't be scared." Edward said softly. "Mom and dad are very cool." I
cocked an eyebrow at him trying to figure out why he wanted me to come
over. Edward tilted his head back putting drops of Visine in his eyes before
he tossed Jasper the tiny bottle. "Do you have perfume on you?" he directed
toward me. I looked in my bag for the small, almost empty spray bottle of
Heaven. Giving a few squirts, I tossed it back in the bag, and dripped the
Visine in my eyes before nervously making my way down the rope ladder
and up the path to meet the Cullen parents.
Once out in the fresh air, I said to Edward as I began fanning my scent his
way, "Do I smell like weed?"
He inhaled, smiling a funny little smirk. "Nope, you smell good. Really
good. Let me just…" he said, as he slowly leaned in to sniff my hair. Though
he never touched me, I actually felt a tingle slither down my spine at our
sudden proximity. He smelled amaaaaaazing. Like fresh air and spring water
and hot boy with muscle and mystery with a hint of annoyingly ambiguous
gayness.
Emmett chuckled. "Don't even worry about it. The stench of Esmom's To-
furkey meatballs will stick on you for days. It's a wonder any of us have
friends left."
Jasper and Edward both mumbled something derogatory about To-furkey.
"What exactly is To-furkey?" I asked.
Edward replied, "That would be Tofu, which is engineered to taste like
turkey."
"Is it any good?" I asked skeptically, knowing that from what the boys had
said, it likely was not.
Jasper said, "It smells like ass, tastes like balls and has the texture of…week
old turd. Combine that with her clumpy organic tomato sauce, that goddamn
pasty whole wheat pasta and a nice loaf of unleavened spelt bread and
you've got one huge steaming pile of gourmet shit."
"Great, and why exactly are you subjecting me to this?" I asked, but received
no answer but three evil boy snickers.
Inside the house, the food actually smelled pretty good. At the large double-
doored entryway, the boys removed their shoes automatically, placing them
neatly under the bench. I followed, slipping off my boots, scowling when
Edward snickered at the frogs on my socks.
They were right about the smell, though. It was thick and meaty yet
strangely appealing, and I said a silent prayer that I wouldn't gag when I ate
the meat balls. We walked into the tremendous kitchen in a row, me the last
in line, almost as if enchanted by the aroma of fake meat.
Mrs. Cullen was tiny like me, with dark brown hair, and hazel eyes that
twinkled. She immediately smiled when she saw me, embracing me in a
tight hug, which I returned warily only because I thought she may be able to
smell the pot on my clothes. "Bella! So nice to meet you finally. I see why
you have my boys so taken."
Peering over her shoulder, I mouthed, "Taken?" to Jasper and Edward. They
both scattered. "Your home is really beautiful, Mrs. Cullen." I said, looking
around the kitchen.
"Thank you Bella, and please call me Esme. Mrs. Cullen makes me feel
old." She smiled. Esme was warm and friendly and so pretty. I thought that
Edward resembled her a bit in their face and he definitely had her dark
brown hair color.
We all sat in the kitchen talking, as Esme finished cooking dinner. Dr. Cullen
arrived shortly after that, in all his handsome young doctor glory and I was
amazed at what an insanely beautiful family they were. He too insisted that I
call him by his first name, Carlisle.
As we sat down to dinner at the large dining room table over looking the
river in their picturesque back yard, they made cheerful conversation. I
noticed Edward watching me from across the table, making faces as I sliced
my fork through a meatball skeptically. His lips pressed together, in what I
assumed was an effort to suppress a snicker at my hesitance to his mother's
negatively reviewed cooking. I tentatively suck out my tongue to lick a
meatball with a fearful grimace, as Edward looked down to his plate, his
shoulders shaking in silent laughter.
The pasta wasn't half bad, however the To-furkey ball was disgusting. It was
gelatinous and mushy and burned my throat when I swallowed. Jasper's
earlier description was surprisingly accurate. Edward's brief gazes and his
silent laughter had me laughing and soon, everyone was looking at us
questioningly.
"Dad, Bella likes the painting under the stairs," Jasper said.
"Oh, are you familiar with Salvador Dali?" Carlisle asked, pausing his fork
in mid air. I wondered how this gorgeous doctor could eat this horrific food
with a straight face. He must have possessed a gag reflex of steel.
"Yes, a little. My mother and I lived in New York, and we frequented the
museums quite a bit." I said, putting on my best "meet the parents" voice.
"Oh, I was under the impression you moved from California." Esme said.
"Yes, well, that was my last home. My mom and I moved around a bit." I bit
into another piece of To-furkey ball with a smile, before forcing it down with
hard swallow. Edward mouthed, 'I'm sorry' from across the table while he
smiled compassionately.
"So, where else did you live?" Jasper asked.
"Well, I grew up here, and when I was twelve Mom and I moved to Arizona.
She couldn't wait to get into the sunshine. But then she got an offer to
apartment sit in New York for a friend, so we lived there for half a year
before we moved on to Ohio."
"You lived in Ohio, like with corn fields and shit?" Emmett asked with his
mouth full of gelatinous meat substitute.
"Girard, Ohio. It's near Youngstown State University. I actually lived across
the street from a corn farm. It was really cool. The town was just like you
see in the movies, quaint and friendly. We played a game called corn hole…"
I trailed off when I grasped that they were all staring at me.
All five of them.
My ears heated up and I looked down at my plate, as I realized what I had
said.
"Corn hole?" Edward asked with an eyebrow raised.
I replied quietly, "It's… like… horseshoes." I bit my bottom lip, shoving
another mouthful of food in there to shut myself the hell up. "This is
delicious," I said, my mouth completely full. They suddenly all burst into a
roar of laughter, and I felt so unbelievably stupid.
So I joined them. "Sorry, I'm not really used to big family dinners; usually
it's just me and my mom and a big bowl of mac and cheese. She…" can't
cook for shit either almost came out of my mouth, but I replaced it with,
"doesn't really cook."
As they pressed of more details of my travels, I explained that Mom and I
moved from Ohio to Florida, where she met Phil, and when he was signed to
the Dodgers, we moved to California.
Eventually, the conversation shifted off of me onto our classes, the
discussion of a new x-ray machine that Carlisle had recently purchased, and
then finally to the rumor that Tyler Crowley was having an invite only
Halloween party this year.
After we finished, Edward and I helped clear the dishes, much to Esme's
protest, while Jasper and Emmett disappeared. She shooed us off, with the
suggestion of showing me the rest of the house. Esme sent a wry smile
toward Edward, whereby he responded with an expression that I could not
quite understand. It was something between sadness and confusion, and I
blew it off, thinking that I was crazy or that maybe my system was thrown
off balance by the absence of preservatives and artificial colors in the meal.
He took me around the living room through the French doors that led to the
large, yet cozy den. There was a tremendous squishy looking navy u- shaped
couch, covered in a multitude of throw pillows in varying shades of yellows.
A flat screen television sat in a whitewashed wall unit in front of the couch
and on the opposite wall another unlit fireplace. The walls on either side of
the doors had floor to ceiling built in bookcases, filled edge to edge with
assorted books. Edward explained that everyone in the family were avid
readers, even Jasper, surprisingly.
We discussed what we had both read, classics and contemporary literature,
required by school and on our own volition. I was admittedly impressed with
Edward's list of books he had been through and it made me a little giddy at
how much we had in common.
Hot, smart and well read.
And I wanted to suck on his hot, smart well read nipples…
Instead, I told him that I had just started Jane Eyre on the plane trip to Forks,
but had yet to resume reading since I'd arrived. My thoughts were on
someone…er…something else.
Edward led me toward the opposite direction, where Carlisle's office, Esme's
work room and his and Esme's enormous decadent bedroom was. Down a
long hallway, Edward paused, putting his finger to his lips, as he pressed a
series of numbers into a keypad on the wall. With an audible click, a door
opened, and the pungent smell of chlorine assaulted us.
"Oh my god, this is great. Wow," I sniffed, "it smells like California in here."
Edward chuckled, "The best time to swim is in the middle of February, and
you're inside a 90 degree pool watching the snow fall. It's pretty cool."
The pool area was breathtaking, with its high wooden beamed ceiling and
the long windows that framed the room, allowing the outside view to be
accessed easily through the glass. The motionless water in the long
rectangular pool was blue as the Caribbean and reflected the overhead lights
like stars.
A round hot tub sat off to one side near a small bar, a cute little bistro table
with chairs and some lounge chairs beside it. Near the entryway was a
bathroom with another small room to change in, a sauna, and an open
shower that I imagined Edward and I under, in our suits, as he slowly
undressed me to complete nakedness and took me under the cascading
water…
It wasn't pretentious or overly fancy, just a place where they could all have a
good time. I noticed a shitty little television very out of place on a stand near
the glass windows and asked, "What's that about?"
Edward laughed and said, "Uh, we kind of got a bit out of control with the
turbo water guns and shorted the flat screen. This is my father's way of
punishing us with the cheap TV until we can 'learn to behave less like
animals.'" He made air quotes with his fingers on the last statement as he
rolled his eyes.
I imagined the boys running amuck with machine gun style water guns, and
beating each other to pulps in the pool playing volleyball; Edward's hot wet
torso, muscular and glistening peeking out of the water to spike the ball to
Emmett. I saw him walk up the stairs, beads of water dripping from his hair
onto his smooth shoulders and down his abdomen to his pe…
"B? You coming?" he asked, an expectant look on his face. I took one last
glance around muttering apologies, before he clicked off the lights and
ushered me out the door. We headed back across the house to a door that led
to the enormous open basement, which was a veritable amusement park of
sorts.
Calling this a basement was like calling the Sistine Chapel a church. To the
right of the landing, was a beautiful 8 foot cherry wood pool table with
custom pool sticks hanging from the walls. In the corner, a foosball table,
and ten different 1980's arcade games including Ms Pacman lined the wall
just before the one lane bowling alley. I made a mental note to tell Phil the
next time I spoke to him. Ms Pacman was his favorite.
There was also this huge white screen that hung from the ceiling, and a stand
with various sports equipment, like virtual reality thing. Just ahead, was a
stocked bar, a large round poker table, and small tables with chairs like you
would see in a high end lounge. On the far side of the wide open room were
a series of doors, which led to an impressive gym, a kitchen, and a media
room.
"You have a movie theater down here?" I asked, incredulously as I plopped
myself down on the first of the brown reclining leather love seats. There
were five of them, mounted on a graduated platform, just like in a theater.
The front of the room had the biggest television I had ever seen, and on
either side of it, shelves filled with thousands of DVD's. Framed movie
posters hung along the walls, and an old fashioned popcorn maker sat in the
corner.
I stood, tracing my fingers along the spines of the DVD's stopping at a few
to pull them out. "Have you seen all of these?" I asked turning around.
Edward stood a few feet behind me, watching my every move, as if he were
afraid I would suddenly decide to pull the movies off the shelves into a
heaping pile on the floor. "Don't worry, E, I'm not going to get them out of
order." I said, teasing him as I pretended to put the movie away in another
section. He rolled his eyes, but laughed, knowing that he really was worried
about me disorganizing his perfectly arranged shelves.
"Some of them." He said. "I'd rather read or listen to music than watch
television though." I nodded, internalizing another bit of fascinating
information unlocking the puzzle that was Edward.
"Me too." I added. "The Sandlot? I love this movie!" I exclaimed, pulling the
case from the shelf.
Edward smiled, quietly adding, "It's one of my favorite movies too. Do
you…do you want to watch it?"
Out of nowhere, Jasper came bounding into the room grabbing my waist and
pulling me back onto the love seat with him. The movie dropped to the floor
with a thud. I punched Jasper's arm playfully, as he finally released me from
his hold. Edward stood before me, knelt to pick up the fallen movie, and
replaced it on the shelf without a word. His hand scrubbed over his face, as
he turned to leave the room with a sigh.
"Hey, I thought we were going to watch that." I said. He paused, looking at
Jasper.
Edward said softly, his mood definitely soured, "Yeah, if you still want to, I
guess." He pulled The Sandlot back out of the shelf.
"What are we watching?" Jasper asked, settling himself into the seat.
Emmett came in then, plopping himself on another couch. Though there
were three other unoccupied couches, I didn't really want to sit with Jasper,
but I couldn't make it too obvious that I wanted to sit with Edward either.
Once Edward slid the DVD in, Emmett said, "Wait! I'll be right back. Jasper,
there's some cans of Coke under the bar. Give me a hand." Jasper rose, and
they left the room. Edward sort of stood there, his eyes darting
uncomfortably from seat to seat. I moved over as close to the armrest as
possible, silently indicating for him to sit with me. He watched me slide
over, hesitating. With his hands at his sides, his thumbs made little circles in
his palms. I noticed he did this when he seemed nervous.
"I don't have cooties, E." I said, annoyed.
He muttered, "I know, I…" He sat, nodding with a small smile on his lips,
indicating the awkwardness of the situation. "Um…so, Ohio? Were you
there long?"
I laughed, "No, we were just there for one summer. The friend that my mom
had from New York referred us to the family in Ohio to stay at their place
while they were vacationing. They were going to be abroad. Ireland, I think.
My mom and I were like freaking nomads for a while, gypsies even. But,
aside from having to keep starting over in new schools and saying goodbye
to the friends I had made, it was very cool."
"I can imagine," he said with a smile. "Where was your favorite place?"
"Well, besides Forks, Ohio was my favorite." I said, crossing my legs
underneath me, angling my body slightly toward Edward.
"Oh really, I would think California was more your scene, with the fashion
and whatnot. Why Ohio?" he asked.
"Well, it's simple there. It's clean and open and everyone smiles and knows
your name. No one gives a shit if you're wearing designer jeans or what kind
of car you drive and the kids all ride their bikes everywhere and play
kickball in the street. We had a really pretty house...a yellow Victorian. It
was close to the parks and the baseball fields. The town was pretty small but
there were really beautiful farms surrounding it. Like I said before, I lived
across the street from a corn field. It was kinda scary at first. Spooky, you
know? Very 'Children of the Corn.' But I eventually got used to it. The kids
there...they would run in the fields all night..." I smiled outwardly, while
inwardly remembering the great summer I spent in Ohio.
"I had my first kiss there, with a boy named Mikey. He was so cute. I used to
watch him play baseball, and we'd go get ice cream afterward with our group
of friends. One time his mom caught us…" I paused, sensing Edward's odd
expression. "What?"
"Mikey, huh?" he asked, his eyes narrowing into tiny slits. "How long ago
was that?"
"Um, I was thirteen, why?" I responded. He shook his head, brushing off the
question.
Edward's eyes shut as he took a long inhale of the sudden mouthwatering
aroma of popcorn wafting in the air. "Oh my god, do you smell that?" I said,
excitedly. "That's the smell of baseball! Outdoors on a warm summer night,
the smell of popcorn and clean air and how the dirt smelled when they
watered down the fields. The sounds of the crack of a hard ball against wood
and the cheering crowd."
I closed my eyes, smiling as I was brought back three years in time to that
summer. "I can feel the soft grass underneath my bare feet, I can hear the
sounds Mikey's cleats would make when we walked across the sidewalk
from the car to the field. I can remember buying sunflower seeds for him and
popcorn for me. Oh, and two Gator-aids from the concession stand before
the game started. I would run up to the dugout and hand them to him. All the
boys on the team would tease him about me being his girlfriend."
I rolled my eyes at the word girlfriend. As if two thirteen year old kids who
barely held hands could be considered a relationship. Edward's eyes were
still closed. A little smirk played on his lips as his chin rested in the palm of
his hand. He looked so peaceful, so angelic, that I swear I could almost see a
halo over his head. I had never seen him so relaxed before. I thought that
maybe he was enjoying the baseball reminiscing, so I continued.
"You know, I can still hear the sound the ball would make when it was
thrown into the sweet spot of his glove. But the best part...the best part was
seeing his face when he made contact with that ball. It would fly straight to
the outfield. He would make the goofiest faces when he ran the bases.
Truthfully, I don't really get what the allure of it is to the fans, but I
understand the love of the game for a player."
His eyes flew open and he shook his head nodding in agreement. He smiled
at me...big and toothy with a hint of mischief in his eyes.
"So were you?" he asked.
Confused by the question, I asked him, "Was I what?"
He fidgeted with his hands in his lap before he sat back into the soft leather
chair. "Were you his girlfriend? Mikey's girlfriend?"
"Oh. We were only thirteen." I shrugged. "I don't know what you could call
it. He gave me my first kiss though, in the dug out of that very field. After
his team won districts….he was so excited. He ran up and swung me around
and kissed me. Surprised the shit out of me. It was sort of wet and messy and
gross, but he taught me a lot that summer."
Edwards's eyebrows rose so high I thought they would touch his crazy hair.
"Oh, get your head out of the gutter. I was talking about baseball." I swatted
the air dismissively as I rolled my eyes.
"You know B, there's a reason why people associate the bases on a baseball
field as an acronym for sexual experiences." I wanted to just grab the smirk
off his face and put it in my pocket to have my way with in private.
I heard Jasper and Emmett's voices coming closer as the heavy aroma of
buttery popcorn grew impressively stronger. "Well Edward, I guess you'll
have to wait to hear if Mikey ever made it to home plate. Your brothers are
coming and I would prefer not to discuss my homeruns in front of them." I
pursed my lips flirtatiously.
He sighed, the smirk still taunting me...calling my name to kiss it. He said in
a tone that was leaning toward sarcastic, "Did you know that it's not the
batter that determines if a home run is hit? A home run is a gift from the
pitcher. Have you ever kissed a pitcher before?" My breath hitched at the
words coming from his mouth. At the same time as my eyes shifted to the
door way, just as Jasper and Emmett walked in with their hands full. I put
that comment on the back burner, letting simmer for another time. Mental
note to find out what position Edward played.
"Hey Tink, want some Boy Scout pop corn? We keep it down here away
from Esmom. It's kettle corn. Best you ever had." He shoved the bowl
toward me.
"What is Boy Scout pop corn?" I asked, as I graciously took a generous
handful. I was starving and hoped it would take the gnarly aftertaste of
Esme's supper out of my mouth. I was pretty sure my taste buds would have
to be lanced off of my tongue.
Em chuckled. "You lived in Ohio. I figured you were fluent in all the corns."
"Shut up, Em. I lived there one summer. I know what kettle corn is but what
do the Boy Scouts have to do with it?"
Jasper added, "The girl scouts have cookies and the Boy Scouts have pop
corn. Carlisle buys it by the case and we hide the cookies down here too
when we can get them. Thank God for the scouts or we would all go fucking
hungry. You know Emmett can't live off of To-furkey alone."
"I could go for some Pecan Sandies right about now." Emmett said, his
mouth garbled with popcorn.
"Mmmm me too," I said, "though this Boy Scout popcorn is amazing." He
nodded knowingly as if to say, told you so.
"Hey, you know Edward got kicked out of the Boys Scouts?" Jasper asked,
plopping himself in the couch next to us, as he popped individual pieces of
corn in his mouth.
Edward buried his face in his hands, groaning at Jasper and mumbling, "I
fucking hate you."
Intrigued, I twisted my body around to address him. "How the hell do you
get kicked out of the Boy Scouts?" I laughed. "Tell me what happened!" I
clapped my hands eagerly awaiting yet another clue to Edward's past.
Edward huffed, shaking his head in defeat knowing his older brothers would
embarrass him yet again.
"We were on this stupid camping trip to get the Wilderness Survival badge."
Jasper said, laughing.
Edward lifted his face from the shield of his palms and chimed in, "The
snow was like four feet high. And keep in mind we were seven years old and
we were fucking short back then. So the snow was up to our necks and it's
fucking freezing…windy…wet…just miserable."
"We're all starving and they serve us cold Spaghetti-Os and hot chocolate
that was basically brown water." Jasper added.
Emmett said, "Man, I could go for some Spaghetti-O's right now." He was
tossing popcorn into the air and catching it with his mouth. "Could do
without the brown water, though."
I turned back toward Emmett and said, "Is it always about food?"
He winked. "Food, sex and sports, Tink. That's all there is."
I quirked an eyebrow. "In that order, Em?"
"Depends on the day." He replied with a cheeky smile. Edward huffed,
clearly annoyed. He had the sexiest profile, the slight bump in his nose and a
jaw that was hard and strong and I wanted to lick it and kiss it and...
"Okay, so now the snow is over your heads…" I waved my hand toward
Edward urging him to continue the story. I laughed internally at how the
snow kept getting higher…like the fishing stories Charlie used to tell…the
fish mysteriously grew a size each time the story was repeated.
"So they made us do this stupid togetherness shit….depending on each
other…you know, teamwork crap." Edward continued, bitterly remembering
the snow and the togetherness. While it was funny, it sort of saddened me
that Edward felt like the act of togetherness and having to depend on
someone else was a stupid concept.
"They kept making us repeat, 'There is no I in team.'" Jasper chuckled. "And
Edward kept saying, 'But there is an M and an E.'"
Edward interrupted, "And Me does not do subzero camping trips." He
laughed, finally, meeting my gaze as I giggled with him. "Fucking cold toilet
seats and peeing in the woods and stinky cabins, not showering for three
days… it was horrible." He shuddered.
"What was the point of torturing seven year old boys with all that?" I asked,
shoving more delicious popcorn into my mouth.
Emmett said, "Well, we were supposed to be getting our Wolf badges…one
step up from Cubs. But not Edward. He kept yelling at the leader that he
didn't want to be a stupid wolf and he just sat in the corner of the cabin on
strike the whole weekend."
"He refused to move until mom and dad picked him up but he wouldn't sit
on the dirt floor cause he didn't want to get his snow pants dirty." Jasper
shook his head.
"Yeah that and my ass was fucking numb."
Emmett laughed, "So he used the leader's pillow, and he was pissed."
I looked at Edward. "So you sat there in the corner pissed off for three
days?"
Emmett nodded, "Yup, sitting there practicing tying knots with his reading
and his music badges…"
"And his neatness badge and his housekeeping badge…" Jasper added
snickering.
Edward snapped his head at Jasper, mumbling. "There's no fucking neatness
badge…but there should be."
I asked, "They have a house keeping badge?"
Emmett replied, "Yeah, in the GIRL scouts."
"Fuck you, Em," Edward spat.
"I could really go for some girl scout cookies right now." Emmett muttered
again. "Thin mints."
"Mmmm," I said, my mouth watering. "Minty chocolate goodness. I love
Thin Mints."
"Me too," Edward smiled. He pressed a few buttons on the remote and the
lights automatically dimmed to complete darkness.
"You like chocolate, huh?" I asked him quietly, as the movie began. Mental
note to buy chocolate snacks for Edward.
He smiled shyly, and said in almost a whisper, "You have no idea how much
I like it."
After the movie ended, I said goodbye to Esme and Carlisle, thanking them
for the delicious dinner. Esme insisted that one of the boys walk me home,
but as much as I wanted to have Edward accompany me, I thought it would
be really awkward, with me trying to hump his leg at my door. So I told her I
would be fine.
As I ambled down the street solo, I turned back toward the house to see
Edward in the window; likely there because Esme asked him to make sure I
arrived home safely. He raised his hand, giving me a slight wave, before
resting his arm against the window above his head.
I suppose it was a sudden burst of bravery, or the fact that he initiated the
wave. Or maybe even it was because of the sight of him looking angelic in
his white shirt standing in the window with the warm light emanating from
behind him. Because instead of waving back, I raised my fingers to my lips
and I blew him a kiss.
Yup, fucking blew the boy a kiss. Kill me now.
But he laughed, and without much theatrics, his hand grasped at blank air…
before it slid casually into his front pocket. It could have been a coincidence,
but I liked to think that he put my kiss into his pocket perhaps to put aside
for later.
Edward Cullen was an anomaly. He was mysterious and shy, but sweet and
funny and I was falling harder and harder for him every second of every day.
I wondered how hard it would hurt if I did discover that I had no chance
with him. I decided, that until the day he showed me no possibility of
reciprocating my feelings, I would pursue my beautiful boy with
determination.
Maybe someday, Edward…someday we'll figure this out.
Someday I'll figure you out.
~%~
Definition of Rusty trombone as read in the Urban dictionary:
The act of performing anal cunnilingus (licking) while reaching up
above the testicles to manually administer quick up and down motions
to the penile shaft; resulting in a violent yet pleasant explosion. It is then
customary for the female to then give a quick blow into the anus for
good luck, the lips blowing into the anus sounds very similar to a
trombones sweet melody.
Nice right? It's no anal beads, but it's definitely a party for the corn
hole.
Okay, so you guys keep asking me what the hell happened to Edward
that he can't touch Bella. I haven't revealed that yet. You didn't miss
anything, I promise. Most of you are on the right track with your
theories and two of you are spot on. Edward will tell Bella his story and
she will tell him her story the following chapter. It will probably happen
in chapter 12, but don't hold me to that. Be patient…Edward has to
wait 2 goddamn years to touch Bella, you guys can wait four chapters to
find out why.
Xoxox
Steph
SM owns it.
Thank you to everyone who has been reading and reviewing,
recommending and alerting this story. I am touched. And much love to
the peen obsessed girls on the thread…I love you all.
I had a reviewer mention that for a story about two people with anxiety
attacks there wasn't much of that happening. Because Bella is on the
medication, her attacks are no longer random. She gets them in stressful
or scary situations that bring her beck to the original ones she had back
in California. Edward also has situational attacks. Since Bella has only
been in Forks one week, neither has had a chance to have an attack as of
yet. Never fear, anxiety attacks will appear.
Thank you ever so much to Becca for proofing, and to Suzy for well,
everything.
There's a short outtake being posted with this in Edward's POV of what
he was feeling when Bella was talking about baseball last chapter. It will
give you a little insight as to Edward's childhood and his passion for ball
and SuzyQ402 wrote it, not me.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 9~ Feelings and Shit
There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right
You and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you
Lifehouse~ You and Me
~Edward~
That sound.
That fucking sound…
God, I hated that sound.
And it was Tuesday. Motherfucking fuck.
I rolled over onto my stomach sliding to the far right side of the king sized
bed to smash the shit out my fucking alarm clock. The neon green lights read
6:17. It was really only six, but I set the clock ahead to give myself a few
extra minutes to snooze if I needed it. I groaned when I knocked over the
little bottle of lube that was still on the night stand from my surprisingly
satisfying self stimulation the previous evening.
I smiled, rehashing the evening. She was so funny at dinner; nervous and
timid as my father asked her questions about her past travels. She downed
Esmom's cooking like a champ and I apologized while laughing at her
efforts. She was so fucking beautiful when she was embarrassed.
Bella loved the pool area and the media room, and stared at the bowling
alley with wide eyes, so fucking cute. And when she spoke about her first
boyfriend, I got pissed. Stupid, I know, but I'd knock out any handsy
motherfucker who touched my girl, even if he was just a little kid, and it was
three years ago.
But I learned something that night. I learned that Bella "got" the allure of
baseball, even if she said she didn't. She described the surroundings of a
Little League game to a tee. I was instantly transported back to being twelve
and playing in the field, the feel of the ball in my glove as I stood on the
pitcher's mound and wishing I could have that feeling back in a heartbeat. I
never would though.
And when she left…Bella blew me a kiss. I was fucking stunned, moved and
really bewildered all at the same time. Until I realized that Jasper was
standing right behind me, so the kiss could have been for the both of us, and
of course, I was reading way too deeply into it. To a girl, a blown kiss held
the same symbolism as a wave. A playful gesture, mildly flirtatious in
nature, true. But I liked to think it was just for me, so I caught it
nonchalantly, and stuffed it in my pocket.
I know…I am a loser.
Bella had gone home, and went straight to her room to bed. She must have
been exhausted, because there was no fashion show in the reflection of her
mirror, no modeling of the next day's attire. She crossed the room in her pink
bra, removed it with her back turned to me, and slid on a flannel night shirt. I
bet it was soft and smelled like her…chocolate and warm, girl and sweet
innocence. I wondered what sleeping next to her would be like; if she was all
kicky and noisy, or if she slept quiet and soundly like a rock. Either way, I
longed to feel her soft little body pressed into my chest, her breathing
rhythmic and matching mine.
I finished up my cigarette, and just after her bedroom blinked into the inky
darkness, Emmett came tip toeing across the balcony deck, thinking he was
all stealth-like and sneaky. He practically pissed his pants when I stuck my
foot out tripping him accidentally on purpose. I didn't truly mean to stick my
foot out. It was a normal reaction to want to see him fall ass over elbows
across the deck.
He mumbled something about the fucking motion sensor light being turned
off, before he told me he was on his way to Rosalie's…to ask her to
Homecoming. I was glad he was dealing with his issues because I knew he
really liked her. I told him to bring her flowers or candy or some shit,
because girls are supposed to like that stuff. He said that he was enough of a
gift, and that she should be satisfied with all of his manly wonder. I actually
puked in my mouth a little.
That poor girl. She didn't have a goddamn clue as to what she was getting
herself into.
After he left, I went back to my room and jerked off to images of Bella and I
under the shower in the pool area. I gave her a white string bikini that tied on
the sides, and while she showered, I slid my arms around her waist, burying
my face in her neck and her wet chocolate scented hair. She moaned,
drawing her arms up to wrap them around my head and I could almost feel
her short nails scratching in my scalp and along the nape of my neck. God,
what I would do to feel that for real.
I stripped her of her bottoms slowly, bending her over and fucking her from
behind as I reached around to stroke her clit. She panted and moaned as her
palms pressed firmly into the surrounding tiles to steady her body as I
pumped into her.
Doing this to Bella was motherfucking hot as hell and since I never had
fucked a girl like that in real life, imagining doing it with her in real life
was… just insanely amazing. The real thing would be deadly, I am certain of
that. However, as I finished squirting my load, I had to thwart obsessive
thoughts about the fact that I had no idea if she had been in that position in
real life. I knew nothing about her sexual history or experiences, and it
bothered me not knowing if she was even a virgin.
I had gotten myself so worked up and agitated that I didn't even clean up
after myself properly. Just wiped off, and tossed the towels onto the
bathroom floor from my bed so I could sleep away the anxiety and hopefully
dream about her in other sexual scenarios with me as her partner. However,
if I did dream these days, I didn't remember them in the morning. When I
stopped taking the Zoloft, the fantastic nocturnal hallucinations went as well.
Now it was just blackness and an occasional nightmare of people whispering
and pointing in school hallways. Fucking assholes, all of them.
It was Tuesday, and that meant therapy. I hated Tuesdays with a passion just
for that reason. It was an hour of my life each week that I would never get
back, plus another hour in travel time to Port Angeles. The only good thing
that came out of it was that Jasper and I would usually hit the mall and grab
a bite to eat, thereby avoiding another horrific meal at the Cullen dining
room table.
And, another redeeming factor was that I was able to supplement my
wardrobe. I admit, I enjoyed shopping. Not many straight guys would say
that proudly, but I found something extremely gratifying about making
several purchases, and unwrapping them on my bed at home. I would iron all
the garments and hang them in my closet, color coordinating them into the
proper section, while keeping the style of the piece in the designated area.
Yeah it was sort of weird if I thought about it hard enough, but my OCD
tendencies were strongest while also the most useful when it came to
organizing and arranging, categorizing and sorting.
The books in the den and the DVD collection in the media room were my
doing as well. That had taken me an exorbitant amount of time, after the
incompetent movers shifted the boxes clearly marked, THIS SIDE UP in red
Sharpie. The thousands of books and movies were all out of order and I
painstakingly categorized them both alphabetically into genres. I used the
same method with my CD's, and while it seems insane to most people, it was
cathartic and curative practice to me.
This is also why I adopted a methodic morning ritual. I had showering and
dressing down to a science, that is, when my hair cooperated. I don't know
of too many sixteen year old's that shaved, exfoliated, scrubbed, and primed
their skin on a daily basis. Jasper, I knew only swiped on some Stridex and
called it a day. But I was vain, and the rituals helped me focus. Aside from
shaving my face and chest, my hair took the longest to achieve. I kept it in a
very disorganized style, giving the illusion I threw some sculpting wax into
it and ran my hands haphazardly through it a few times. However, each
strand was carefully placed, so that its neighbor was not angled the same
way.
Looking like I didn't give a shit was painstakingly tedious.
After dressing in a black v neck tee shirt and dark buttonfly Lucky jeans, I
headed to breakfast with my shoes in hand, dropping them off at the
entryway. Jasper was eating a bowl of cereal, while studying the box of
organic Fruit-e-O's. Emmett sat next to him, chin in hand looking
uncharacteristically sullen.
"Hey, how'd it go last night?" I asked, sitting at the center island with a bowl
and spoon.
"She said no," Emmett replied flatly, not even making eye contact with me.
"Huh?" I replied, pouring myself a bowl of fake Fruit loops.
"She fucking said no." He stared off into space tapping his index finger on
the granite island top.
"Bitch," Jasper muttered, not breaking his focus off of the box.
My eyebrows furrowed as I sat across from Emmett. "But Bella said Rose
wanted you to ask her. Why the hell would she say no?"
Emmett's lips pursed as he shook his head. "She said I waited too long and
nobody makes Rosalie Hale wait. She's going with Jared." I bit my lip and
nodded. Jared was a guy on the football team with Em. He was apparently
every girl's fantasy and slept with a good portion of the senior class before
he was even a sophomore.
"Didn't she fuck him over the summer? I remember hearing something about
that," Jasper said, slurping his rainbow colored milk. Jasper… always so
fucking helpful.
"Fuck if I know. Probably," Emmett replied, despondent. His head snapped
up and he spat, "Goddamn it. She's fucking playing games with me." His
speed of his finger tapping increased as he grew more agitated.
"She wants you to chase after her?" I asked naively. They both shot me looks
that clearly meant, Yeah, obviously.
It was no secret in my household that I had very little experience with girls.
Four sexual occurrences, three of them with the same person, two blow jobs,
three tit gropes and I made out with four girls including the two I'd slept
with. No girlfriends, never gave oral to a girl. I was not exactly a seasoned
expert on the mysteriously psychotic ways of the female.
"Bitch," Jasper mumbled again.
"So chase her and show her you don't want to share her," I said, shrugging
my shoulders. "That's what I would do."
Emmett didn't respond. He glared at me for a second before he swiped his
untouched bowl of cereal, tossed it in the sink with a splash, and stormed out
of the room.
"PA today?" Jasper asked, unfazed by Emmett's abrupt departure. I nodded,
wondering what the hell excuse I was going to give Bella for not hanging
out after school.
~%~
On my way to forth period English I was running late. I had hung back after
third to see if I could catch Bella to walk with her, but she was talking to
some nerdy kid and looking very uncomfortable. After staring intently and
debating whether I should intervene, I chickened out and took the long way
around to the English wing, stopping by the vending machines for a bottled
water because I felt a headache coming on.
Jessica and Lauren passed me in the almost empty hallway, uttering their
bitchy greetings as they passed alongside me. I nodded, not really wanting to
acknowledge them, but I didn't want to be a rude asshole either. Not that I
even gave a shit what they thought, but I felt like I shouldn't have so many
enemies.
As they brushed past, the little freshman who had been talking to Jasper the
other afternoon, Short Skirt I believe I named her, came bounding around the
corner, smashing into Jessica with force. Her books flew all over the
hallway, along with the entire contents of her purse, which scattered
haphazardly between the lockers. Lauren screamed, "Why don't you watch
where you're going, slut!" Jessica muttered something derogatory, before she
deliberately stepped on Short Skirt's powder compact, cracking it in pieces
and glass shards on the floor.
The two girls strode off, their cackling laughter echoing while Short Skirt
fell to her knees, gathering up her belongings. I could see the tears welling
up her eyes as the little girl frantically repacked the contents of her purse.
Tears coming from a girl were equivalent to an arrow being shot through my
heart. Without even thinking, I bent to one knee, stacking her books in a pile,
and then tossing lipsticks and various girl items into her open bag. She
looked up, tucking a long strand of hair behind her ear and muttered a very
quiet, "Thank you," accompanied by a meek smile.
I smiled as I handed her the stack of books from the floor, "Ignore those
girls, they are damaged people. And you should probably get a backpack."
Short Skirt nodded with a sniff, before she sped off to her class. I stood,
tossing my own bag over my shoulder as Bella stood frozen in the classroom
doorway. She had the bathroom pass clutched in her hand and a shy smirk on
her face.
"That was really nice of you, Edward," she said softly as she began to walk
toward me. Her eyes twinkled and she looked almost as if she wanted to hug
me or something. I was embarrassed at her awe and shrugged my shoulders
indifferently, wanting to escape her almost pitiful gaze and her possible
attempt at an embrace.
I looked down, shifting my bag to the other shoulder as a sudden splash of
nerves came over me and I didn't know what to do with my hands. "It's no
big deal. I just helped her pick up her stuff. I'm not an asshole." My tone was
clipped, and truly I didn't mean it to be. At the same time Bella's smile fell,
my heart plummeted with it. She turned on one foot, without further words,
toward the bathroom leaving me standing alone feeling like complete shit.
She was complimenting me, and I felt stupid, so I made her feel stupid in
return.
Dumb fuck.
I sat in class, earning a disapproving glare from the substitute teacher, who
promptly took my name for attendance purposes. When Bella returned, I
wrote Thank you on a piece of loose leaf, passing it to her a row over when
the teacher has his back turned. She opened it and smirked, folding it back
up before sliding it in her bag. She met my gaze with a slight nod and I
desired nothing more in that moment than to kiss her lips, showering her
face with my apologies and the truth of why I was such a bipolar
schizophrenic dick to her all the time.
We walked to lunch side by side, silent and awkward, the strange tension
minutely relieved only by the occasional uttering of greetings to Bella. She
had been in Forks exactly a week and at least two thirds of the students
knew her or of her already. I asked her if she actually knew all these people
that were saying hello to her and she laughed shaking her head no.
Emmett was in the cafeteria at our table, glaring at Rosalie while he took
intermittent, pissed off sips of ice tea. He spent forty five minutes glaring at
her while she ignored him deliberately discussing her Homecoming attire in
earshot of my seething brother.
After daintily ingesting an amazing looking peanut butter and jelly
sandwich, Bella chewed on her pinkie nail with her chin cupped in her hand
as she listened to Rosalie and the other girls discussing the dance. I swear
she looked almost sad, but as if she were trying to force enthusiasm for their
upcoming activities that she would not take part in. I surmised from the
overheard bits of the conversation that Alice was going with Alec, and
Angela, of course with Ben.
Every so often Bella would glance up at me through her lashes but I couldn't
bear to look at her all feminine pretty in her white shirt with the flowing
sleeves that made her look like a halo-less angel. I was such a fucking
coward and I had no idea what I was even doing liking this girl.
She sat next to me in Bio, scraping her stool along the floor. Mr. Banner
began his lecture on mitochondria, cuing us to take notes. I swear to God
between this guy and his excessive forced note taking and all the jerking off
I did, I would need carpal tunnel surgery in like, a week.
Bella pulled out her sparkly pink notebook and a fucking green plastic pickle
which she proceeded to pull apart and write with in hot pink ink.
"Is that a pickle pen?" I asked her, staring incredulously, as if wasn't
completely obvious that it was just that.
Bella paused her writing and laughed, "Um hum."
"Wwwwhy?" I asked expectantly, and a bit dumbfounded at the purpose of
such an idiotic writing implement.
"Because…" she reached into her backpack and whipped out a life like
hamburger looking thing. "It goes with my cheeseburger pad." Bella smiled
the goofiest grin, as she opened the brown spongy buns to reveal a stack of
yellow post it notes sandwiched between them posing as the cheese. "Which
also go with…" she stuck her hand back in the bag, proudly presenting a
very realistic looking box of rubbery plastic French fries to me, "my French
fry erasers!"
I stared at her for like a good minute, my expression completely blank. She
held her hands up. "Oh sorry, they don't make To-furkey pens and wheat
grass note pads." Then she rolled her eyes at me, the little snot.
I laughed in her face, picking up the pickle and examining it. I scribbled You
are a freak into her cheeseburger pad before sliding it across the lab table
toward her. She read the note, stuck her tongue at me and tossed the fake
food back in her bag. She was so fucking cute, I wanted to scoop her up in
my arms and kiss her and tickle her until she peed her pants. Not to mention
that I really wanted to watch her do obscene things with that pickle pen.
"You can borrow the pen any time," she said. Her eyebrows rose
suggestively.
I narrowed my eyes muttering, "Thanks, I'm good." She smirked, shrugging
her shoulders. It was odd, and I wondered what it was about.
We made small talk in study hall, while I created excuse after excuse in my
head to explain why we would not be hanging out after school. I'd
considered just telling her simply that I had other plans but Bella was a
naturally inquisitive young woman (in any other situation and had I not been
head over heels for her, I would have called her fucking nosy bitch) and I
knew she wouldn't accept it without a more detailed explanation. However, I
pussied out, not wanting to lie to her.
I realized that if I couldn't even make up a white lie about my Tuesday
whereabouts, then how was I ever going to be able to tell her the truth about
me?
So after gym, I cleaned up quickly, getting to my car just as she and Alice
were walking across the lot. Alice stopped to chat with Alec while I took a
deep breath and said, "Um, hey… um, we're not hanging out today."
Bella frowned looking slightly dejected. She said shrugging, "Oh, that's
okay, I needed to go to Port Angeles anyway for some stuff."
Fuck, what the fuck was I supposed to say then? There was no way I wanted
this girl to know I was going to a fucking shrink. Maybe if we timed it right
I could get there faster than her and she would never know. I blew out a
breath through my lips as my fucking stupid, insensitive, self centered
bastard of a brother Jasper, rounded the car chirping, "Hey, we're going to
Port Angeles, why don't you just come with us?"
Are you fucking kidding me?
I felt my neck heat up and my fists coil into tight balls. "Yeah, sure," she said
looking at me. "I guess… if it's alright with you. We're you planning to go to
the mall, because I need to…"
"No, Edward has an appointment, but you and I can hit the mall while he's at
his… thing. It's right across the street," Jasper said, leaning casually against
my bumper. I could have beaten his stupid ugly ass into the gravel with one
fist, until only his bloody head was peeking out of the cracked pavement…
then I would run that over repeatedly with my car until it was just an oozing
pancake with a tuft of blonde hair spurting out the top.
Through gritted teeth, I said low enough that only he could hear the warning
in my voice, "Jasper, get your fucking foot off of my fucking bumper you
stupid fucking moron."
"Okay… sure." She said. "Are you feeling alright?" She looked at me
expectantly.
"Yeah, I'm fine…why?" I asked, not immediately understanding her
question.
She shuffled her feet, shifting her bag off of her shoulder to hang from the
strap. "Oh, nothing. I just assumed he meant you had a doctor's
appointment."
Oh god oh god oh god, what the fuck do I say?
Because if I said yes, it was a doctor's appointment, then next Tuesday when
we were again not present in the tree house, I would have to make up
another excuse. Either that, or she would think I was undergoing dialysis or
something that I had chronic physician appointments for.
"Um…no…I have…piano lessons… every Tuesday." I squeezed my eyes
shut, hoping that explanation would be plausible enough for her, while not
seeming completely nerdified by being sixteen and succumbing to the
torture of piano lessons.
"Oh!" she said smiling. "I didn't realize you took lessons still. Okay well, I
have to drop Alice off and then I'll meet at your house?"
I nodded, still annoyed as hell, as we got into our respective cars. Jasper slid
into the passenger seat, practically buzzing with excitement, the fucker. He
took my Foo Fighters CD out of the slot and I snatched it from him.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, man?" You selfish unthinking piece of
shit. "How could you tell her to come with us? What if she finds out where
I'm really going?" Then she'll think I am a freak for sure. "God, Jazz, you are
such a douche. I had to tell her I was taking piano lessons, for Christ sake,
like some kind of moron. What fucking sixteen year old takes piano
lessons?"
"Dude, what do you care what she thinks about you, really? I mean, what, do
you like her or something?" He practically snorted, as if my taking a
romantic interest in a girl like Bella was a ridiculous impossibility. And
what, I tell him the truth so he can rub it in my face? It would be the perfect
opportunity for his revenge.
"No, but I don't want her talking about me to her friends. It's nobody's
business what I fucking do. You could at least think about this shit before
you go running your mouth off."
"Sorry, I didn't realize. I just thought it would be cool to hang out with her,
you know…see if she's cool when she's not high," he said, flipping the CD
cover back in forth in his hands. To Jasper, the world revolved around him. I
realized when he said this that the only time he hung out with Bella was
when we were all stoned. I hung out with her in class, and had gotten to
know her on another level, sort of. How could he possibly even think of
liking a girl when all he knew of her was when her personality was altered?
The thought of the two of them hanging out alone for forty five minutes
made my blood boil. The agitated rhythmic tapping of my fingers against the
steering wheel was the only thing to be heard in the car, besides the faint
purr of the engine.
I changed into a dark gray t-shirt and brushed my teeth twice until the water
I spat into the sink was tinged pink with blood, before heading back
downstairs. Through the front window, I could see that Bella was outside
perched on the slate edge of the waterfall feature that had been recently
installed in front of the property. I opened the door, and she turned toward
me with a bright smile. "I didn't realize you had koi in the pond." I strode
across the lawn, my legs moving involuntarily, a veritable magnet drawing
against iron toward the beautiful girl. At the bottom pool, we watched in
silence as the two golden orange fish darted in and out of the vegetation.
"They are beautiful. Do they have names?" She looked up at me, with
chocolate eyes and dark lashes and honesty and innocence. I wanted to reach
out and lace my fingers in her warm tiny hand so we could watch the fish
frolic in their watery confines together.
I reached instead to scratch my head, careful not to disrupt my carefully
arranged chaotic mess of hair. Pressing my lips together, I thought a minute
before responding, "Uh…yeah." She gazed up, awaiting my answer. I let out
a breath and responded, "Bella, meet Cunnilingus and Fellatio."
She rolled her eyes, smirking and shaking her head. "Do your parents know
they have such… lascivious names?"
"Oh yeah, they know," I replied, frankly impressed with her casual use of the
word lascivious, as well as her understanding of what both the koi's names
meant. I loved that she was smart and well read on top of all her sexy
innocence. "The fish were Emmett's idea and therefore his responsibility, so
he got to name them. Mom doesn't necessarily approve, but dad thinks it's
great." I shrugged my shoulders. Jasper exited the house at that moment,
nodding for us to get going.
In the car, she insisted on sitting in the back seat, though I asked her to sit up
front, out of politeness and that ladies first thing she was so keen on. They
talked about nothing, bullshitting about school and the upcoming football
game. I resisted contributing to the conversation, simply because as we grew
closer to Port Angeles, I grew more agitated, and all I could focus on was the
fact that they were going to be alone for almost an hour... where he would
probably fucking be gratuitously touching her.
Parking in the lot across the street from the ambiguous brick building that
housed my therapist's office, I gave Jasper a stern look and said, "I'll call you
at four."
He patted his pocket, muttering, "Fuck," when he realized he didn't have his
phone on him. "I left my cell in the kitchen."
Bella grinned. She spewed out her cell number, as I entered it in my phone,
smirking while I touched the keys, a small part of me ecstatic that I had
gotten one step closer to her. Yeah stupid, but for a kid who couldn't touch
the girl he was falling hard for, getting her digits by default was the
equivalent to an earlobe suck.
"Have fun at your lesson." She grinned and waved as they turned toward the
mall, and I watched with anger and trepidation at the heart wrenching sight
of my brother and my girl walking away from me. They disappeared through
the glass doors side by side, and I wanted to cry like a fucking baby.
I waited a good ten minutes in the lobby before Dr. Kate buzzed me up to
her fourth floor office. Upon entering, I removed my jacket, hanging it over
the arm of the chair adjacent to my usual seat. She didn't look up at me,
which was customary for her. "Hello, Edward. I'm glad you decided to come
back." Dr. Kate looked up at me, smiling genuinely, as if she were truly
pleased that I had returned after last week's disastrous session…like I had a
choice in the matter.
I exhaled, slumping back in the seat, resigned to simply get the session over
with. I steeled myself for the lie that would leave my mouth. "I want to
apologize for my behavior last week. I overreacted. Kicking the chair and
leaving was uncalled for and immature." I refused to make eye contact with
her, as my apology was not sincere.
She met my gaze, thoughtfully cocking her head to the side. "Edward, thank
you. While I appreciate the sentiment, I have to ask, honestly…is that
genuinely how you feel?"
I looked away, because I hated confrontation truthfully. "No," I replied
simply.
"So then why apologize? All I expect from you in our sessions is honesty. If
you falsify your feelings, than whom is that helping? Not me and certainly
not you, correct?"
Shrugging my shoulders in agreement, and complete shock, I muttered,
"Yeah, I guess." I stared out the window slumping forward and chewing on
my nail as she asked me how my week was, while my knee bounced
nervously. The last thing I wanted to discuss was my week, when the only
thing that had consumed my every thought for those seven days was in fact
with my douche of a brother at that very moment.
She smiled, softly saying, "I would also like to apologize to you, for you
thinking I meant anything presumptuous my statement last week. It was not
my intent." I nodded, appreciative of her apology, but kept quiet.
"Edward, you seem very agitated this afternoon. Is there something specific
bothering you that you would like to discuss?"
Yeah, but not with you, Nosy.
I huffed, still casting my gaze on the front entrance of the tiny shopping
center, which they had nerve even calling such a place a mall. Two lower
end department stores and like, ten smaller chain stores does not constitute a
shopping extravaganza by any means.
A good twenty minutes of nonsensical small talk was exchanged before she
said, "You are definitely distracted today. Normally you are passively
indifferent." She uttered the observation, almost as if I weren't in the room.
Her eyebrows furrowed in thought. "Remember, Edward, everything you say
is confidential, and I am here to help you, not judge you or…"
Before she could complete the sentence on her bullshit undying loyalty, I
spewed out, "My brother and I like the same girl, and I am irritated because
they are together right now…in the stupid mall across the street and I'm
frustrated because of my… situation."
I think her heart stopped.
"Oo… oooh …oh…" she sputtered out. If she were a robot, she would have
definitely short-circuited with sparks and little bursts of flames and shit
coming from her wiring. With wide eyes, her back straightened up in the
leather chair, as her pen began to fly over her legal pad with a weird
whooshing sound. I had never given her so much as a complete sentence
before, never mind something as informative as what I had just uttered in
one mouthful. "Would you care to elaborate on that frustration?"
"Uh, well, I think it stems from the fact that he can like…be her boyfriend
and I can't." My reply was curt and matter of fact. Her pen continued to glide
in short clipped strokes.
Without looking up she added, "I can definitely empathize with that
frustration. Why don't think you can be her boyfriend?"
My eyebrows raised in question as I stared at her incredulously. "I can't
touch her. How am I supposed to be her boyfriend if I can't even hold her
hand?"
"I see," she said, pausing her writing. She tapped her pen on the paper
thoughtfully. "Now, I am going to ask this, not as an innuendo or and
insinuation or anything other than a simple question, alright? So you feel
that in order to have a meaningful relationship with a female, physical
contact is a necessary factor, am I correct?"
Shrugging my shoulders, I responded, "Well yes, because when there is no
physical contact, that sort of negates the girl part in the word girlfriend,
leaving only the word, friend."
Duh, stupid. Who gave you a license?
She nodded. "Do you think this young woman wouldn't have any interest in
you, if you were only friends?"
"I don't know. But I mean, why would she want me as a friend when she can
have more with Jasper?" I looked at her as if she had three heads.
Her eyebrow rose as she struggled to understand. "Jasper is a better fit for
her because he can touch her?"
"No, I'm not saying that at all. He's a dick to girls in general, and I think I'm
a hell of a lot better suited for Bella than he is, as far as interests and
personalities go. But yeah, he can kiss her and shit…stuff…sorry." She
waved her hand dismissively, urging me to continue. "Plus, he's had an
actual girlfriend before, and he knows what to do with one. I am clueless in
that department." I scowled, thinking how much I had admitted to her, and
how much it really did feel better to talk about my feelings and shit. "And
also because…" fuck.
"Because…? Continue, Edward. You're doing great," she said, composing
herself as to not emit too much enthusiasm at my sudden "openness."
"I owe him," I said quietly, as I looked down at my hands, fidgeting with the
seams on my jeans.
She looked directly at me, and her eyes softened with her voice. "Would you
care to elaborate on that?"
I bit the inside of my cheek so hard I felt blood. "Right after… everyone
found out about what happened… his girlfriend Emily, had come over one
afternoon and Jazz ran out to get condoms, I think… so she and I were alone
in the house. She was… afraid of me. I had hung out with her and our
friends countless times before that, but she…she was fucking… trembling
when she saw me." I felt my voice crack, as my lip quivered at the memory
of her face, fearful and wide eyed, like I was truly going to hurt her.
"Her parents wouldn't let Emily see Jasper anymore after that. They snuck
around for a few weeks, but eventually, she just didn't want to have anything
to do with him at all…because of me. He was devastated." I whispered. I
couldn't even look at her, as I casually wiped an escaped tear while I ground
my palm into my forehead.
Fucking pussy.
"And you feel you owe him a girlfriend for this?" she asked, nudging the
box of tissues toward me. Her voice was pitched an octave higher, possibly
indicating disbelief.
"It's my fault she broke up with him. How else am I supposed to repay him?"
I ignored the tissues strictly out of pride, but really wanted one.
"Have you apologized?"
"Yeah, only about a hundred times…to him and my whole fucking family."
"Well then, there you go. She made the choice to leave him. Yes, it may have
been in relation to something that happened to you, but it was her choice in
the end, and no fault of yours. Other members of your family were affected
by this? Would you explain?"
"My father lost half the patients in his practice, my mom lost a five million
dollar client and any future referrals, Emmett lost…well, Jasper and Emmett
lost everything when we moved. It was my entire fault. And none of them
are really all that happy here, so that's my fault too. I don't deserve a girl like
Bella. I should be punished, not given rewards."
"But Edward…if you continue to maintain your innocence in the matter,
than how can you consider any of this your fault?" She stopped writing and
stared at me.
"Because if I had just lied…everything would have been fine."
The session ended when the timer on her desk buzzed, startling us both. She
looked upon me proudly, similar to the way my mother often did, realizing
that in like three months of saying absolutely nothing, I had given her the
mother load in one fucking day. "Edward, this was a very productive
session, and I hope we can continue this discussion further next Tuesday.
Have a good week."
I muttered goodbye and left, feeling raw and vulnerable, exposed… and
truthfully, I walked out of her office with a hint of reprieve. It wasn't nearly
as awful as I had imagined, talking to her about my feelings and shit.
Carlisle was right, it was a waste of time for the both of us if I continued to
sit there and sulk. At least I could make the most of my sentence, and maybe
I would actually benefit from the therapy.
I called Bella the second I entered the elevator, and when her voice hit my
ear I sighed relief at the instant comfort of it. I realized that it was the first
time I had ever spoken on the phone with her, and I felt almost nostalgic,
like it should be documented or something. That would be a difficult thing to
add to the Box -o-Bella in my closet.
I met them in front of The Gap. They both wore smiles and carried shopping
bags, and none of my worst fears came to fruition. They weren't holding
hands, or gazing adoringly at each other, and Bella wasn't wearing his jacket
nor was she adorned with any new jewelry that he could have purchased her
in my absence. In fact, I think Bella may have been happy to see me.
"Jeeez, you look spent! Tough lesson?" she asked, staring at my obviously
emotionally battered face.
I shrugged my shoulders, running a palm over my eyes, muttering, "Just
tired."
"Oh, well we waited for you to go in here," she said, gesturing to the store in
front of us. "Jasper said The Gap gets you excited." She bit her lip
smothering a smirk, before spinning around to enter the store. It pissed me
off that she and Jasper had some inside joke or something about me.
"What the fuck does that mean?" I asked Jasper as we walked inside.
He shrugged. "I was joking around that this place was like a sanctuary for
you, with all the shirts folded neatly and everything so organized and shit." I
looked at him skeptically, because while that was all true, Bella used the
word 'excited' not 'relaxed'. He veered off to the tee shirts, while I stood in
the center of the store, breathing in deeply.
It smells like her in here.
And I felt myself getting hard, almost like a Pavlovian response to olfactory
stimuli. She was at the perfume display, spraying bottles into the air with
little spurts of mist flying about her. I held back, watching her from a
distance as I casually looked through a stack of plain non-zippering hoodies
without really paying attention to anything but Bella. While shifting the
wood in my pants awkwardly and trying to be discreet about it, I noticed a
gangly blonde sales guy eyefucking her.
Don't make me come over there, Gangly Dude.
I may look like a pretty little fairy, but I fight like a bad mother fucker.
Completely ignoring the stares of the stupid douche, she gathered three
bottles, a large and small perfume along with a tube of perfumed lotion.
Bella turned, dumping them on the counter with a few words to the clerk
before she headed down another aisle.
I slipped off my jacket, trying on a light gray hoodie with the store logo
sewn into the front. While skillfully directing the opening around my hair as
I pulled it off, I realized she was standing just a few feet away…staring at
my right bicep. "I didn't know you had a tattoo. What is…"
Abruptly, with my heart beating out of my chest, I pulled my shirt sleeve
down far enough to completely cover the black ink. "Nothing…it's stupid. I
should never have gotten it." I tossed the hoodie back into the neat pile in a
heap, and I cringed, because it was almost committing the crime of all
crimes in the mind of an anal retentive person to not put something back in
its original proper condition. And also, because I snapped at her yet again.
I did not want her to see the ink on my arm; a constant reminder of the night
my life abruptly changed as well as they way my old life was, and the person
I used to be.
Hint taken and tattoo temporarily forgotten, Bella said, "I like the green one.
The color makes your eyes look…gaspy." She smiled, and looked down at
the sweatshirt.
Gaspy?
I suppose that was compliment. I didn't normally wear things so casual, but
the winter was coming and it would be fuck all cold smoking and watching a
certain beautiful girl from my balcony. I looked at her nervously touching
each of the sweatshirts, with an almost blush on her face.
"Yeah?" I said, "So, you like the color green?"
"You have no idea how much I like the color green." She bit her lip
flirtatiously looking at me under her lashes before she skirted away
suddenly, toward a display of hats and gloves. Noticing Jasper on the other
side of the store flirting shamelessly with a blonde salesgirl, I scooped up a
hoodie, green of course, and followed her.
While I was no authority in relationships, sexual experiences, or even girls
as a whole, I was adept to recognize that she was trying to tell me
something.
I think Bella is trying to tell me she likes me. Is it at all possible?
I watched in silent awe as Bella slipped on a newsboy hat, gray with a little
bow on the band. Her lips were pursed as she admired herself in the mirror,
and I imagined that was the face she put on at night when she tried on her
outfits. She looked fucking adorable in it, but I didn't really know how to say
so without sputtering and vomiting all over her shoes.
"What do you think?" she asked. "My mom bought me a little pea coat this
would look so cute with, but I'm not sure if it is the same shade of gray."
I laughed out loud, because I too had a gray pea coat. She switched to a soft
black beret with a small rose on the thick band. "Too French?" she asked.
I shook my head, no. "It goes with your stupid erasers. I like them both.
Look, there are gloves too." I pulled the matching gloves off the shelf,
carefully handing them to her. She slipped one on her tiny hand, the other
hanging still attached by the tag.
Bella turned back, reaching on her tip toes to pull a hat off a higher shelf. It
was a white baseball hat, imprinted with a non descript hunter green design.
Still on her toes, she held the hat by the brim, moving to place it on my head.
The soft hanging glove brushed my cheek. Instinctively, I flinched backward
a few inches.
"Don't worry," she said softly, as she held the hat paused in mid air. "I won't
touch you." Stunned by her words, and even more so by her observation, I
moved back toward her tentatively as she placed the baseball hat on my
head. She pursed her lips as she cocked her head to the side, before she
reached back up, sliding the brim around to the back.
"Perfect," she whispered. As her wrist passed my nose, I realized at that
moment, she was so damn close to me, never touching my skin or hair, but
close enough to feel her body heat and smell the freshly sprayed perfume on
her warm skin. Our mouths were inches apart, and it took all the restraint I
had not to lean forward to brush my lips against hers. And I was hard again.
Jasper called out, "Hey guys, you almost done. I'm starving."
I quickly checked my hair in the mirror making sure it still was in its
organized chaos while thinking almost obsessively about the fact that Bella
had noticed I didn't allow her to touch me. It fucking ate at me, because she
thought I didn't want her to, as she had no idea that it was because I couldn't.
How the fuck was I going to tell her the truth about me?
The three of us waited on line to pay for our items as we decided sushi was
the most appealing of the dinner options. I warred with myself about paying
for Bella's hat and gloves and the perfumes she had behind the counter, but I
thought it would be weird and awkward, so I didn't. I purchased the green
hoodie and the baseball hat for myself, and I took Bella's small bag from her,
slipping it into my larger shopping bag. If I couldn't hold her hand, or slip
my arm around her waist, I could hold her bags.
It was something a boyfriend would do.
It was a start.
We got about halfway down the main aisle of the mall when I tossed my
keys to Jasper, telling them both that I forgot something and to wait in the
car for me. I hightailed it back to The Gap, pulling the bottle of Bella's lotion
that I had memorized the name of off the shelf and the black beret and
gloves she'd decided against because she didn't have enough money on her.
Lastly, I grabbed a small hunter green hoodie, just like the one I had bought
for myself. I paid quickly, dashing outside before I tucked my purchases into
the trunk and slid into my already warmed up car.
Hopefully, at some point I would find a way to give the things to her, as a
simple token of the affection that I was not able to give to her physically.
And hopefully, she wouldn't think I was insane for doing it.
Everything that is, except the perfumed lotion…
That was mine...
~%~

Thank you to Becca for super fast beta'ing and to Suzy for dealing with
this long ass chapter.
Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 10Moved butUntouched
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Goo Goo Dolls~ Iris
~Bella~
You are a freak
Four little perfectly scrawled words written in hot pink ink on a yellow post
it note under the guise of a slice of cheese. It could have said, Will you
marry me? and it would have had equal significance. I knew he was teasing
me, because yes, having a pickle pen and a coordinating hamburger pad with
matching eraser fries was a bit odd for a sixteen year old girl to possess. But,
as I traced the indentations the pen made on the little square of paper, I knew
that each day that passed, I fell deeper and deeper for this odd boy with his
neatness and his foul mouth and his perfectly messy yet strategically styled
hair and his fantastic sideburns. It was truly amazing how something as
commonplace as sideburns could become so unbelievably fascinating when
adorned by my beautiful boy.
I graciously offered him the use of my pickle pen.
He politely declined.
It was probably the world's most lame attempt at assessing a person's
sexuality, but for some reason, I thought if he were gay, then he would enjoy
using something phallic to write with such as my ridiculous pickle pen.
Okay, so I am a fucking idiot and the worse homosexuality detective in the
history of the universe.
Note to self...have Gaydar checked next time I have my oil changed.
In Edward's car, I'd asked him if he was sure he wanted me to accompany
them to Port Angeles, because I saw how he instantly became irritated at the
thought of my presence. It bothered me very much, and I couldn't figure out
why he was so weird with me…as if he were bipolar or something.
His car was frighteningly clean, granted it was only a few months old. New
car smell was brought to a whole other level in this baby, and there was a
mix of leather and Edward that was startlingly arousing. There wasn't a
speck of dirt on the mats, or dust on the dash, and the whole inside was
black leather and shiny tortoise shell- not the easiest surfaces to conceal dust
on. Not that I expected anything less, really. The car was incredibly sexy
too…nothing unmasculine about it.
Once we arrived in Port Angeles we shed our coats in the car, as it was
cumbersome to wear while shopping and headed out to our respective
destinations. I had waved goodbye, bidding Edward fun at his piano lesson
and walked off with Jasper into the mall. I truly did enjoy Jasper's company,
even if he was a bit handsy and overtly flirtatious. And that only irked me
because if Alice were to observe his behavior toward me, she would be
crushed. She was my best friend and I couldn't, and wouldn't do that to her.
So I told him basically to back the hell off, after he threw his arm around
me, and whispered something naughty in my ear. I liked a little dirty talk as
much as the next girl except I kept thinking to myself that his voice was no
the one I longed to hear whispering those things to me.
We were in the bookstore when it happened, meandering along the aisles. I
was looking for something new and light to read perhaps something along
the lines of a romance with a bit of soft core porn in it to sort of quell the
aching in my girlie parts. Jasper disappeared into the magazine aisle
thrumming through the music magazines. I joined him, picking up a
Seventeen Magazine with a picture of a very pretty and unusually natural
looking Britney Spears dressed in only an oversized white button-down
shirt. When I replaced it back onto the shelf, Jasper snickered and muttered
something under his breath. When I asked him to repeat what he said he
replied, "I said, 'I should pick that up for Edward to whack off too.'"
I furrowed my eyebrows, asking, "Ewwww, he likes Britney Spears?"
And he called me a freak. That girl was one pickle short of a full jar, plus
did he not tell me he wasn't into blondes?
Jasper laughed and said, "Hell no, he has a thing for men's white shirts…
fucker thinks they are sexy or some shit."
On girls…or boys?
Work with me here Jasper…is he a flaming butt pirate or what?
I nodded, more confused than ever. While I stood contemplating whether or
not to just come out and ask Jasper at that point if he were gay, Jasper leaned
over and whispered into my ear.
"You know what I think is sexy?" His eyebrows rose suggestively, while a
devilish grin spread across his mouth. I looked at him with an eyebrow
cocked. "Red bras." He winked as his eyes glanced to the strap of the red
lace bra peeking out from my shirt. His fingers looped underneath the strap,
snapping back against my skin with a brief sting. I smacked him on the head
hard.
"Jasper, stop that shit." I scowled at him, letting him know I didn't like it.
He held his hands up in defense, muttering, "Sorry. Didn't mean to offend."
"Just watch your hands, buddy. You can't just go around snapping bras straps
and being so grabby. Not every girl is enamored by your charms, and one of
these days, you are going to get slapped across the face." I looked away,
feeling his eyes on me. When I turned back to him, his jaw was slack and he
looked incredibly dejected. "Come on, didn't you say you wanted to get a
shirt for the dance?" I tugged on his arm playfully forgiving him, but feeling
badly about scolding him, which I knew shouldn't have felt guilty for.
I paid for my literary smut, earning a snicker from Jasper. "Teenage vampire
porn? Nice."
Later, in the department store, I helped Jasper choose a dress shirt and tie.
He told me he had asked Makenna to the dance earlier, but I already knew,
because Alice had been distraught about the news upon overhearing it from
Jessica. Alec had asked her the week prior, and she decided to go with him
just for someone to go with. I told her to come by after work later and I'd
give her something to wear, as I had plenty of cute dresses that I would
likely never touch. Rose was going with some guy Jared, who apparently she
had a thing with over the summer, but she said she only was going with him
to piss off Emmett. She had a carefully laid out plan to make Em jealous,
and I sincerely hope it didn't backfire on her. With all the discussion of the
dance and festivities surrounding homecoming, it still made me disheartened
about not going with Edward…not that he would have even asked me
anyway.
A girl can dream though, right?
Well, I definitely do enough fantasizing.
After Jasper paid for the shirt and tie, we sat on the bench by the fountain
and shared a messy cinnamon sugar pretzel that Jasper declared was
Edward's kryptonite. He said foods like cinnamon sugar pretzels Edward
avoided like the plague. He would likely cower and run away from its untidy
aftermath.
"Can I ask you something?" I asked with my mouth full, not bothering to
wait for a confirmation to continue. "Why did you guys move to Forks from
Chicago?"
Jasper paused eating, and took a sip of lemonade. "Uh well, a bunch of
reasons, really. Some bullshit drama with Edward happened and my dad
decided that it was time for some new scenery. My mom just really wanted
us out of the city and into a small town where we could be less tempted to
get into trouble." He looked at me with his eyebrow quirked, patting his
pocket full of marijuana. "Little did she know?" I chuckled, hoping he would
eventually elaborate on the part about Edward and the stuff happening.
"So why here, why Washington of all places?" I bit into a piece of pretzel,
doing my best to chew daintily while cinnamon sugar shrapnel dusted my
jeans.
"Well, actually it was sort of a fluke. On the same day my mom happened to
read some article about rain and trees and like, picturesque greenery and shit
having a calming effect on people, she saw the house up for sale on one of
her designer's websites. She thought it would be good for Edward, and I
guess for her too, now that I think about it. They flew out to see the house
that weekend, and when they came home they said they bought it. We left
Chicago a month later." He shrugged.
"Calming effect? Why would Edward and your mom need calming?" I asked
impatiently, practically jumping out of my skin to find out.
"Well, Edward has sort of…shit, I shouldn't be telling you this…he'd fucking
kill me." He looked apprehensive, but I suppose not enough to betray his
loyalty to his brother when I looked down brushing my pants, pretending to
have little interest. "Edward has…like, anxiety or whatever. And Chicago
was just a rough place for him."
I looked at him in disbelief. "He has anxiety?"
"Uh…well he used to, not so much anymore." He eyed me warily, realizing
maybe he had revealed too much.
"I guess the rain and the trees do work then. And, uh… your mom…she has
anxiety too?" I pressed, wanting to get as much out of him before he closed
up on me.
"Um, no. Mom and dad have been trying to have a baby for years. They
thought moving would be good for that as well… maybe they thought rain
and trees are good for baby making." He shrugged his shoulders with a
weird, uncomfortable chuckle. "But I guess they were wrong on that theory,
cause she's still not fucking pregnant." His expression was forlorn, as if he
truly felt compassion for his mother.
"That's so sad," I replied genuinely, not really knowing what else to say.
"Were they hoping for a girl?" I smiled, trying to lighten up Jasper's mood.
"Yeah right, that poor kid with us as older brothers? She'd never get a date."
We laughed, tearing more pretzel apart. "I feel so bad for them, you know?
Mom's had like, a bunch of Invitro and stuff, shots and drugs…and she
eventually does get pregnant, but keeps losing the babies. There's a really
great fertility specialist located in Seattle, which is another reason why they
picked Forks." He looked down at his shoes, definitely appearing
empathetic. I had never seen him so thoughtful before, usually he was sort of
an insensitive asshole, always making fun of Edward and saying mean
things about Alice. "Plus, Dad has close friends in Seattle, so they figured it
was ideal. He started his practice in Port Angeles, and honestly, I think he's
the only one that is really happy here."
"You aren't happy here?" I asked, my eyebrows knitting together.
He shrugged. "I don't love it, but I don't hate it either. I wasn't exactly happy
in Chicago at the end either, so I guess it wouldn't have made a goddamn
difference where the hell we went as long as it wasn't there."
I looked at him, sensing the sadness in his voice. "What happened?" I asked
softly, hedging anxiously for as much information as I could get. I felt like a
CIA agent interrogating my suspect with truth serum. Jasper would evidently
be one shitty spy, that's for sure.
Jasper sighed, pressing his lips together. It was a long moment before he
spoke, I was just about to apologize and tell him to forget it, when he said
softly, "Her name is Emily. And she's fucking awesome. I loved her from the
minute that I saw her. We went out for like eight months and …then all this
shit happened and her stupid fucking parents wouldn't let her see me
anymore. So after we broke up I came here willingly, cause it was too hard
to look at her everyday and not be with her."
"Wow, I had no idea," I said, wondering if Alice ever even had a shot
compared to this girl he spoke so fondly of. "Do you think that's why you
are the way you are?" He cocked his eyebrow questioningly. "I mean why
you're such a flirt? Maybe because you still aren't over her and it's easier to
just be flirtatious and not make a commitment so you don't get hurt again?" I
grimaced and shrugged a silent apology upon realizing his dumbfounded
expression.
He looked at me incredulously while drawing his whole head back. "What
am I on, Oprah?"
I laughed shrugging my shoulders again. "Sorry, just a guess. Never mind.
But Emmett and Edward, are they unhappy too?"
"Well, Em doesn't really give a shit, as long as he's playing football. He's in
a rush to go off to college and be on his own, anyway. And Edward, well…
he's just…" Jasper huffed, his shoulders slumping forward, clearly frustrated
by his younger brother. "Whatever…he's just fucking miserable no matter
what..."
I whispered, "Why, Jasper?"
Please tell me why Edward is the way he is…I have to know.
Jasper shook his head, as his lids closed. "It's a long fucking story."
Oh, don't bail on me now.
Jasper remained silent, staring into the mall, clearly done talking. I dropped
my head in defeat, but understanding entirely. "Does it have anything to with
Edward not liking to be touched?"
Jasper's expression froze. He pursed his lips and said, "Ah, you noticed that,
huh? He's uh… weird. Just fucking strange....you know…with his OCD and
shit." Jasper fumbled with that lame explanation, quickly changing the
subject. I knew there had to be more to it, Jasper wasn't exactly convincing
in his explanation. "So, um…why did you move back to Forks?" he asked
with an eyebrow quirked, effectively changing the subject and putting me
into the hot seat.
I shifted my dangling feet, tucking one underneath me. "I already told you…
stuff happened and I left. It's not much of a story," I lied, pissed off at
Jasper's abrupt end to our conversation. Mental note… Google Edward
Cullen.
"Then tell me if it's not a big deal," he remarked with wide eyes.
I huffed, slightly annoyed at having to rehash unpleasant details, while
realizing I should probably reciprocate my share of the insightful
information that Jasper offered. "My best friend's boyfriend …made a move
on me and though I didn't accept his advances, she…didn't take it well…at
all. She and my other 'friends' made my life really difficult, so I left when I
couldn't take it anymore." I made air quotes around the word friends,
because they most certainly were not my friends.
Okay, so that was only half the story… but it seemed to be enough for now.
I shrugged my shoulders appearing indifferent, but the thought of it bothered
the hell out of me. I couldn't even bring myself to say her name clicked his
tongue. "Wow, girls really suck, huh?"
"Some of them, yeah," I laughed meekly. "But I'm happier here than I have
been in a long time. It's nice to have friends that I know truly care about me,
and would never hurt me over a stupid boy." I widened my eyes playfully.
He smirked, taking the last bite of pretzel as I tilted it toward him.
As we stood, Jasper said, "Hey Bella listen…the shit I said about Edward
and my mom. That's stays between you and me, okay?" I nodded, promising
him not to betray his confidence. We tossed out our garbage, heading over to
the newsstand to buy rolling papers.
While he was paying for them, I spotted a rack of novelty lighters and one in
particular stood out. It was a little clear rectangular box filled with lighter
fluid. When you pressed a button on the bottom, a burst of air shot out,
pushing little colored balls into the fluid. The object was to try and get the
balls nestled in the coordinating colored little half circles inside the chamber.
I knew how Edward liked to play with his lighter, as well as how much he
liked coordinating stuff, so I thought he would love an actual challenge.
It was almost four when Japer asked where I wanted to go next. "I need to
go to the Gap for perfume," I mumbled, checking my phone.
"No, let's wait for Edward. I don't feel like hearing him bitch because we
went there without him."
"Really, why's that?"
"Cause that store gives him a raging fucking hard on with all the color
coordinated stacked shirts and neat piles and shit." I laughed, thinking he
probably wasn't even kidding. I must admit I loved the visual.
We strolled into a little country western apparel store that was completely
out of place in that mall. I could never figure out why any guy in
Washington felt the need to wear boots and a cowboy hat. Were they hiding
cattle ranges someplace that I had yet to find?
Jasper muttered something about hating country music, and country clothes
and stupid fucking cowboy hats. Yet, he stood in front of a mirror, trying on
silly fringed vests while he stuck his hands in his pockets pretending to pull
out a gun, like in an old western. We played around trying on different styled
hats and using really bad fake southern accents. A stupid song was playing
that was now on constant repeat in my head; Lord have mercy… baby's got
her blue jeans on… I wondered if that was one of the tunes they played to
torture people outside that prison in Iraq? I know it made me want to take
back things I didn't steal.
While I was trying my best to get the lyrics off of the iPod in my head I
noticed a young couple over in the corner. She was picking out hats for him
to try on. They were obviously very much in love, and when she stood on
her toes to put on his hat, they nuzzled each other's noses before kissing. She
would very lovingly sit one on his head…adjust it...then stand back to
admire him. He in turn did the same thing except he would push her hair
behind her ears as he adjusted his pick. Such simple gestures that showed so
much love and tenderness.
Her hand lifted to touch his cheek, as his hand slid around her tiny waist
before it slid into her jean pocket. It made my heart sad, knowing that
Edward wouldn't touch me like that, and I would probably never get the
chance to caress his face or touch him anywhere. In addition, I knew for
certain, that I didn't want anyone else to be that for me. Gay or not, Edward
was it.
Just as I was enviously admiring their relationship, my phone rang and
Edward told us he'd be over in a minute. I saved his number, storing it under
E while I smiled happily, thinking that it was the first time I had heard his
voice over the phone. It sounded different, deeper, maybe even a little
distressed.
I could see him enter the mall from a distance, his tall and lean physique
perfect and stunning as his confident gait drew him progressively closer to
me. My stomach fluttered and heat crept into my lower belly at the mere
sight of his face. The country store had that awful song about the chick in
blue jeans blasting from the speakers. A quick change from she to he, and it
fit perfectly as Edward strutted toward us. Heads turned, jaws dropped, the
song made perfect time with his stride.
He can't help it if he's made that way
He's not to blame if they look his way
He ain't really trying to cause a scene
It just comes naturally, no the boy can't help it
I watched with amusement and admittedly, a bit of irritation as several heads
turned when he passed, while he remained oblivious of his visually pleasing
effect on the female species.
Heaven help us, Baby's got his blue jeans on
Lord have Mercy, Baby's got his blue jeans on
"Hey Jasper, just out of curiosity…when Edward played baseball, what
position did he play?" I asked, completely focused on Edward.
Jasper replied, "He was a pitcher, why?" I smiled, almost giddy.
"Hey, Bella, a homerun is a gift from the pitcher. Have you ever kissed a
pitcher"
No Edward, but you can bet your fine ass I'm going to.
But talk about mixed messages. I mean, what the hell was he telling me?
God, boys were so damn confusing. I wish we could all just come out and
say exactly what we meant without having to play games or be coy and
mysterious. But then again, that was one of the main reasons why I was so
attracted to Edward, because of his obscurity.
When he arrived, he looked somewhat disheveled, his eyes red and tired
looking, his skin paler than usual. I felt badly that maybe his piano teacher
must have worked him unbelievably hard and then I thought that it was so
odd because really, how physically grueling could a simple piano lesson be?
Maybe it was an emotional session? Either way, it was just strange for him
to look out of sorts. Then again, it wasn't exactly like Edward Cullen was the
picture of ordinary for anything.
I wanted desperately to run to him, wrap my arms around his neck and just
hold him to me comforting him with my affections, but I was too afraid of
the rejection following. I just couldn't help feeling like I needed to take all of
his woes away. Edward had me enamored, with his pretty eyes and his
stunning facial features that made my panties instantly wet. His jaw was the
equivalent to hard core porn...to my virginal ass, anyway. I was mesmerized
by him, wanting to uncover all of his mystery and his secrets and just tell
him straight out that I wanted him to kiss me. But I wasn't that brave.
So in the Gap I decided that giving him subtle hints that I liked him would
be the best way to get the message across effectively. Maybe it was even a
last ditch effort to find out if he was gay. Actually, last ditch would have
been if I had stripped down to my undies and invited him into the dressing
room, which in all honestly I would have preferred.
But again, I noticed how he carefully handed me the gloves without
touching me, and how he flinched back when I put the hat on his head. It had
worked for the other couple I just witnessed, so I thought it would possibly
work on him. Maybe he would be able to pick up on the tenderness of the
gesture the way I had earlier. I told him I wouldn't touch him in a whisper,
and his eyes went wide. He was definitely guarded after that, but he let me
turn the hat backwards, which god almighty he looked so perfect and
amazing at that moment. If I ever married him, I wanted him in a backward
baseball hat and a tux. Okay, maybe not…maybe just completely naked.
Of course adding to the enigma, I learned that Edward had a tattoo. I noticed
the horizontal band of black ink on his right arm coiled around the well
developed cuts of his bicep. I couldn't make out exactly what it was, but the
design appeared to be tribal and definitely intricate. The instinct to reach out
and graze my fingertips over it was compelling, and I asked about it without
even thinking that he would probably recoil, his guardedness taking the
forefront. Edward pushed his sleeve down so fast it was a blur, hiding the
markings from my sight. His reaction was perplexing to say the least and
just fueled the fire for me to unravel all his mystery.
Edward had given me no indication as to his sexual orientation or whether
he reciprocated my feelings. It was immensely frustrating, to say the least.
At dinner, we sat at a small table set into the floor with our shoes off and
ordered a variety of sushi rolls which we split when they arrived at the table.
Edward rolled his eyes as I proudly displayed my purple polka dot socks,
wiggling my toes at him.
Watching Edward eat sushi was entertaining and absolutely fascinating. I
watched in awe as he lined up eight rolls on his rectangular dish, perfectly
spacing each one apart from the other. He had two of each kind, arranged
across from each other, as he moved them around with his chopsticks,
eventually putting his tiny bowl of wasabi soy sauce directly at the bottom
of the plate. I had been forewarned in the car as to Edward's sushi ritual and
Jasper smirked when he realized I was watching Edward intently.
Edward didn't even glance up when he said, "Stop fucking staring at me B,
or I'll poke your eyes out with my chopsticks." He popped a roll in his
mouth and smirked.
I laughed so hard, Sprite came out of my nose, choking me to tears. You
could tell they were raised with a laid-back mom…neither one attempted to
help with my choking, both just yelling, "Hands up!" as they raised their
arms in a mock demonstration.
Edward was so fucking beautiful and so wonderfully weird.
As we ate, we chatted nonchalantly about nothing of real importance,
laughing and smiling between bites and it was just really nice to be with my
friends. At one point, despite the fact that I was quite proficient with the use
of chopsticks, I lost the grip on my avocado roll and it splashed into the
sauce. Wasabi, soy and ginger splattered all over Edward's wrist, coating his
shiny silver bracelet. Jasper burst into laughter while I sat stunned, frozen in
fear of Edward's reaction to getting him messy. His face turned slowly
toward mine as I cowered in mock fear wearing a cringe.
I quickly dipped my napkin in my water glass in an attempt to wipe his arm
clean as he watched with wide eyes before he pulled away. "I'm so sorry, E,"
I said in almost a whisper. He said nothing, and for a minute I really thought
he was pissed. Expression blank, he snatched my wet napkin from my
fingers, and removed his bracelet wiping it down before wiping his wrist off.
He stuck his fingers in his water glass and suddenly, I felt a spray of water
across my face as he flicked his wet fingers toward me. I shrieked, giggling
as he continued to splash me, a playful smirk on his face.
A few restaurant patrons gave us dirty looks, but I didn't care as I knew
Edward wasn't upset with me at all. I glanced up at him, as I fingered his
bracelet. "May I?" I asked. Edward nodded, and I picked up the heavy silver
chain in my hand, laying it across my palm. The initials EAC were engraved
in intricate writing across the shiny, smooth surface of the plate. A small
engraving of a lion propped on its hind legs decorated one end, and on the
other were three shamrocks. I looked at him questioningly.
"Anthony," Edward responded softly, answering my silent question as to
what the initial A stood for. I repeated his full name quietly almost in awe.
"The lion and the clover are part of the Cullen family crest," Jasper added.
"This is beautiful. So masculine," I said, as I dropped carefully it into his
open palm.
"Thank you. My father gave it to me when my adoption was final," he said
almost reverently, as he clasped it back onto his clean wrist.
I remarked, "Oh, that's so nice. What a thoughtful thing to do. Your parents
are great."
"Yeah, they are…thanks. They liked you too. Said you were endearing or
some shit." Edward laughed, popping another roll into his mouth. I rolled
my eyes.
"Endearing? I endured the meatballs of death for endearing? Hell, I'm
fantastic and beautiful and charming and witty, not to mention intelligent
and…"
Edward interrupted, "Arrogant, conceited, vain, self important, smug…need
I go on?" He snickered and I smacked the air near his head, causing him to
lean over to the side away from me. The sudden movement made him to
drop his roll right into his soy sauce, splattering the front of his shirt with
brown specks. He groaned, tossing his napkin down in defeat as Jasper and I
laughed uncontrollably.
"See what you get when you condescend?" I asked snidely, pointing to the
mess.
"Yeah, you owe me a shirt," he responded flatly.
"Okay," I said, lifting up the hemline of my top minutely, as if I were going
to give it to him right off my back. "But I don't think this is gonna fit." They
both looked at me in disbelief apparently having no idea if I was kidding or
not. Jasper raised his eyebrows suggestively, and Edward stared at me
blankly.
I smoothed the hem of my shirt down replying snarkliy, "Oh, you both
wish."
Well, I knew at least Jasper did.
When we finished eating, the boys insisted on taking care of the bill and we
headed home. I realized that it was the first time in a week that I had spent
time with them outside of school, not under the influence of drugs or
alcohol, and it was really nice to have just hung out with them.
That evening, when I got home, I spent some time with Charlie watching
television before I headed up to my room. At the computer, I sat in front of
the search page of Google staring blankly at it for what seemed like a good
hour. I felt terribly wrong for doing it, and the second I typed in Edward
Cullen, my heart raced out of my chest and I began to sweat profusely. I
couldn't quite decipher if the nerves were because I felt so guilty for delving
into his past, or if it was because I was afraid of what I might find out. I
mean, did I really want to know about his past girlfriends?
However, my fears were squashed when the only things that came up were
some medical related pages on Dr. Cullen, Esme's old design website, and a
few articles about Emmett from his old school in Chicago. Not a thing about
Edward.
I was infinitely disappointed, but completely relieved at the same time. I
needed to know about him, but I thought that the fair thing would be for me
to wait until he offered up the information, instead of me searching the
internet for details of Edward's past. I mean, what if he went snooping about
me? Surely he would be horrified at what he would find without a clear
explanation to back it.
I realized that the closer I got to this boy, the more I got to know him, the
more I desperately wanted him. With that came the notion that if he didn't
want me, I would be terribly, incredibly, impossibly heart broken.
I lay in bed that night, thinking about Edward's pretty eyes and his perfect
face and imagined myself in the dressing room at The Gap, in nothing but
underwear. I saw Edward peeking his face in the door, asking if I needed
help, and I grabbed his shirt pulling him toward me with force. In my bed, I
slipped my hand down into my pajama pants, underneath my panties and
found my spot, wet and swollen. Lightly grazing my middle finger over the
bud, my body surged with tension and little sparks of pleasure as I rubbed
the area while in my head, Edward pressed me against the wall of the
dressing room. He wrapped his fingers around my knee as he hitched it over
his thigh, moving the fabric of my undies away. I felt his fingers dance along
my folds, and my own did the same in time with my fantasy. "Love me, E," I
whispered into the night. He kept kissing my neck as his fingers pushed
inside of me, his other hand dipping under the cup of my bra, teasing my
nipple. I moaned out loud, as I pinched my own nipple imagining it was
Edward's fingers. I rubbed my clit faster and faster until I felt my toes
curling and my whole body tensing and then seizing up in almost orgasm as
it faded off and I lost it…again.
Afterward, I said my prayers usual.
Dear God,
Please watch over the less fortunate and give all the people in the south a
new style of hat, because cowboy hats are stupid looking. While you're at it,
give them some new music options too, because some of their songs are just
plain silly. Please bless Mom, Dad, Phil, Maggie, Carlisle, Esme, Angela,
Ben, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and of course, Edward. Please forgive
me for Googling Edward, because while I know it was wrong, it would have
been nice to have found out a little something about him. And forgive me for
touching myself, but I totally couldn't help it. I don't know if you can do this
or if this is part of your otherworldly powers, but if you can send Edward a
kiss goodnight from me, I would really appreciate it. Oh, and see what you
can do about giving Esme and Carlisle a baby, because they really, really
deserve one.
Amen.
I whispered sweet dreams to Edward, before snuggling up under my covers.
I slept well that night, dreaming of stunning green eyes and country songs
about pretty boys in blue jeans.
On Friday night, it was pouring so badly that we knew no one would be
hanging out at the beach. My mother's packaged arrived full of clothes for
Alice that afternoon, and I swear, she was more excited that one could ever
imagine, jumping and squealing in delight. But when she hugged me, I knew
it meant more to her than just having new clothes. She was happy to have
me back in her life again which I couldn't even bring myself to tell her how
much that sentiment was reciprocated.
She tried on a bunch of cute dresses from my closet and decided on a
strapless black bubble dress that was really flattering and made her boobs
look enormous. As happy as she was to be going to the dance, she didn't
have to say aloud how upset she was about not going with Jasper…it was
just a given.
Rosalie came over later with pizza and a movie, which we watched with my
dad and Maggie. Afterward, we all played Cranium and laughed our asses
off for hours after at my father imitating a ballerina on his turn at charades.
The three of us were all admittedly disappointed that we weren't able to see
our boys in the light of a fire at the beach, but frequent glances out the living
room window at three unmoving cars told us that the Cullen brothers had
stayed home as well.
Saturday afternoon turned out to be a gorgeous day, the sun shining with just
a hint of a chill in the air. The game started just after noon, and the girls and
I headed over to the packed stadium dressed in school colors with heavy
blankets draped over our arms. We looked for a row of empty seats, and I
spotted Edward immediately after scanning the bleachers, my heart beating
like humming bird wings.
Edward was wearing the green sweatshirt he bought looking deliciously
rebellious and totally anti school spirit as the colors were blue and gold. On
his head, was the baseball hat we bought…and it was backward. I felt my
knees go weak, and I turned away from him as to not pass out or call any
unnecessary attention to myself. He was up pretty high, seated next to his
mom and dad on one side and Jasper on the other. Makenna, Lauren and
Jessica were sitting next to Jasper, waving pom poms and flags.
There was empty space on the row of seats in front of them, but I didn't want
to be presumptuous and just assume they weren't saved. My phone rang in
my purse, and when I pulled it out it was Edward. I almost pissed myself
when I spotted the caller ID.
He said he had saved us seats, but didn't know if Alice would be comfortable
sitting there with Jasper and Makenna. I thought it was sweet for him to
have considered that, and Alice said she didn't care, that she was resigned to
living a life without Jasper, so what the hell. I could tell she obviously wasn't
happy about it at all, but there really was no where else to sit.
Edward's smile swelled my heart immensely, and it was if I could actually
feel the warmth radiate from him as our proximity increased. My heart raced
impossibly quick as each step up I grew closer and closer to him. Our gazes
met briefly, and I was so mesmerized by his smile that I tripped on the step.
Thankfully, Rosalie caught me before I knocked my teeth out and muttered
something about me getting my eyes off of Edward's peen long enough to
make it up a flight of stairs. I hadn't been looking at his crotch until she
mentioned it, and then I couldn't stop looking at it.
We all greeted Carlisle and Esme warmly as they returned the sentiment. I
loved that Edward and Jasper sat with their parents. Most kids wouldn't want
to be caught dead with their mom and dad at a school function, but I suppose
the Cullen's weren't ordinary parents. When I introduced Rosalie to them,
she shook both of their hands and turned to me discreetly mouthing holy shit
is he hot. I heard Edward whisper to Esme that Rose was the girl Emmett
liked.
"Hey," I said, sitting directly in front of him as the girls sat surrounding me.
We draped the old quilt on our laps, relishing in the warmth. Alice sat next to
me as far away from Makenna and Jasper as she could, while muttering
derogatory things about Makenna.
Edward leaned forward playfully whispering, "Hey Spaz." His smirk was
my kryptonite.
I melted a little before I rolled my eyes waving my finger at him.
"Remember the last time you made fun of me? You wouldn't want to ruin
that shirt too, would you?"
"Yeah, and you still owe me a fucking shirt, you know." He stared straight
ahead with no emotion on his face. I turned back around to see the smirk
again, and god I needed this boy to touch me. Esme smacked him on the arm
telling him to watch his language in front of a young lady. I narrowed my
eyes at the exchange. His mother was fine to touch him and so were Jasper
and Emmett, but not me. That bothered me.
The parade floats and homecoming court riding in the back of a truck moved
around the oval track, the nominees and the cheerleaders waving and
cheering. Emmett was amongst them, with his date to the dance, Kim, sitting
proudly on his lap decked out in her Pom Squad uniform. Rose's fists balled
up and her fingers dug into my thigh, while I whispered soothing words to
her. It wasn't working. She broke a nail and that made her even more pissed.
Jared waved to her from the float, as he was also a nominee. Rose, deciding
to make a show of it, stood up, waving and blowing kisses to him. Emmett
was obviously bothered by this, as his expression was clearly altered. He
wrapped his arms around Kim tickling her and laughing as she squealed.
Rose sat back down, with the faint hint of tears welling in her eyes. She lay
her head on my shoulder and I kissed her hair.
As the game went underway, I couldn't pay close attention to any of the
action because I was concentrating on Edward behind me. Not that I actually
gave a crap about football, really. My body was hyperaware of his
proximity- I could feel his warmth, and smell his scent and it was
intoxicating, and incapacitating. I felt like a silly little girl giggling at my
crush behind me.
I got a kick out of every time his mom or dad or Jasper yelled excitedly
when Emmett ran a few yards with the ball. Edward remained enthusiastic
but quiet, just choosing to laugh a lot. I tried my hardest not to turn and look
back at him, though I really wanted to. Every now and then, his Nike's
would accidentally brush my thigh when he placed his foot on the seat next
to me. He would muter an apology, and I was sad about it. I wanted nothing
more than for him to snuggle under the blanket with me and lace his fingers
through mine, leaning over to whisper things in my ear. But I couldn't shake
the feeling that was never going to happen.
We continued to watch the game all laughing and cheering as Emmett threw
for 2 touchdowns and our safety intercepted another running it back for a
touchdown. We were ahead 21-7 when Emmett lead the team into the locker
room for half time. Edward had excused himself just prior to head to the
concession stand and before I knew it was back with hot cups of cocoa for
everyone…even the bitch crew.
Esme looked at him oddly and asked, "Since when did you start drinking
cocoa?" Edward shrugged, blowing off her question. I had to chuckle to
myself since she was completely in the dark about her son's chocolate
addiction.
After halftime and the worst performance of kick line routine ever, some of
the clouds shifted, letting long, bright rays of sun scatter onto the field. The
massive ball of orange fire in the sky had inconveniently decided, today of
all days, to make an appearance in Forks.
I couldn't see anything in the field because of the glare and the white dots
floating in my line of vision from squinting. I shielded my eyes from the
intense light with my hand, realizing that I had forgotten my sunglasses in
the car. Edward shifted behind me and every now and then, his knees would
slightly rub across my back as he adjusted his long legs. At one point he had
both feet up on the bleachers on either side of me. What I wouldn't have
given to be able to lean back and rest my elbows on his long thighs.
The scent of his shampoo and his cologne tinged with a hint of cigarette and
chocolate twirled around in my nose. I could have just sat there and inhaled
him the rest of the day and it would have been wonderful. His scent grew
intensely potent as he leaned forward whispering, "Here." His baseball hat
slipped on my head, warm and smelling of Edward's shampoo or his hair gel
or whatever…it was absolutely amazing.
I turned, noticing his mother's gleaming grin as he ran his hands through his
locks, making them even more chaotic. Alice and Rose both gave me odd
looks while they rolled their eyes. Edward pulled a pair of sunglasses out of
the pocket of his hoodie and gave me my favorite smirk as he slipped the
glasses on his face. I adjusted the brim of the hat remembering the couple
from the mall. Would he have wanted to tuck the hair behind my ears? What
was holding him back?
Shortly after that both his feet again were on either side of me like protective
bookends keeping me from toppling over. And his crotch was right behind
me.
By the end of the game, the sun disappeared and it became much colder than
we were used to. Emmett got us one more touchdown as he lead the team to
victory. Forks High Spartans managed to defeat the Port Angeles Mountain
Lions 28-21, with a touchdown by Emmett in the last 5 seconds of the game.
The win sent the boys into a fit of triumphant dances and mass hugging
while the pissed off Mountain Lions sulked off the field. It was practically a
guarantee that Emmett would be Homecoming King.
Proud of her man, but too damn stubborn to admit it, Rose wore the most
beautiful smile on her face as Emmett looked up to the stands. She quickly
turned it into a scowl when she saw him gaping at her. It was obviously
killing her to go to the dance with someone else, but as she stated, her plan
was guaranteed to work.
From across the field, Emmett made a motion of his hand holding an eating
utensil and brought it up to his mouth. Edward chuckled and looked at me. I
was utterly confused. "What?" he laughed, "you don't know the universal
sign for lets go for ice cream? I have a sudden urge for chocolate syrup
myself."
As the crowd rose to depart the bleachers, I stood and turned to face Edward.
He was still wearing sunglasses, which I might note looked fabulous on him.
I removed the hat from my head, gently placing it back on his with a smile.
He didn't flinch back this time, just bowed his head forward accepting the
hat back. My whole body trembled as I bid him, "Thank you," and I truly
wondered why he hadn't kissed me yet, or if he was ever going to.
In my periphery, his mother bit her lip, and looked away quickly while
smiling. I sort of eyed her wondering what it was about, but it seemed the
whole damn family was weird, so why not her too?
The decision was made to meet at the Friendly's Ice Cream in town because
apparently Emmett was known for wanting his Reeses Cup Sundae after a
game. We all waited for him to emerge from the locker room before taking
the short drive into town in our respective cars. We were seated at a large
round table with Esme and Carlisle together and the rest of us scattered
around looking awkward and uncomfortable. Who the hell thought this was
a good idea?
Jasper and Makenna sat across from Alice and I, Rose and Emmett were
across from each other, and Edward ended up next to me. Though Makenna
came along, her bitch crew decided to stay back in Forks to get ready for the
dance and I was silently thanking the ice cream gods for that since it was
awkward enough as it was. The uncomfortable tension in the air was
palpable. The only facial expressions were glowers and glares and the
occasional uncomfortable smile and eye roll. Oh and Carlisle's gleaming
white teeth, obviously unknowing about his children's angsty drama. Yeah,
this was going to be fun.
When the waitress brought our orders, all the boys including Carlisle,
eagerly dove into their three course meals with the works earning a
disapproving glower from Esme.
Then in the midst of quiet, Carlisle made the mistake only a completely in
the dark father could make. "So guys, everyone ready for the big dance
tonight?" Esme choked on her coffee, Edward dropped his fork with a
startling clang, and Rose snorted at Emmett who glared right back at her.
Alice looked down at her sundae and started to rip her napkins to shreds
while Jasper kept eating. And I… well, I looked at the beautiful boy sitting
next to me who was now cursing and wiping the ketchup off his new
sweatshirt. Makenna was the only one oblivious to the situation, but she had
her eyes fixed across the table on Edward and truthfully, I wanted to reach
over the surface to gauge her pretty eyes out.
Mine.
We ate in relative uncomfortable silence, a few mutterings from Alice, until
the waitress asked if anyone wanted anything else. In unison, everyone
uttered, "No, thank you," and she began clearing empty plates.
"Well, we should probably get going soon. I have a hair appointment." Alice
said coolly.
I looked at Alice incredulously, "I thought I was doing …" Rose kicked my
leg way too hard, causing me to yelp. Emmett shot her a look that could kill.
"Yeah, well…I have to go pick up my shirt. It's blue because Kim likes
blue…" Emmett remarked with a sarcastic edge to his tone. His eyes
narrowed at Rosalie, who just gave him a loud agitated huff while she
picked at her ice cream.
"Emmett, what happened to the shirt I bought you yesterday?" Esme asked,
completely confused. Emmett glared at her grumbling something incoherent,
while Makenna smiled brightly.
"I got my dress at JC Penney's. And my mom's friend is letting me borrow a
purse," Makenna said matter of factly.
Esme looked at her with sympathy muttering, "That's great, sweetie," while
Rose uttered a very disdainful, "Penney's?"
Feeling so badly for her random ness and for Rose's apparent sense of
superiority, I said, "That's great Makenna." Makenna smiled across the table
at Edward, who looked down into his plate.
"My dress is from LA." Alice held her head up proudly, exuding an air of
definite snootiness.
Jasper said acidly, "Right Xanax, like you went to LA. My shirt is from Italy,
doesn't mean I went there to get it."
"No idiot, Bella's mom sent it to me from there," Alice snapped.
"Yeah well, my tie is silk… I flew to China to get it last night," Emmett said
sarcastically, his mouth full of food.
Rose snorted as Makenna looked at Emmett in disbelief. "Really? Did you
know that over a thousand silk worms are needed to make one inch of silk?"
"Uh, no I did not, but thanks for the trivia, Makenna," Emmett rolled his
eyes as we all muttered words at her randomness.
"So very interesting, Makenna," Alice snapped.
Edward was just looking back and forth at the exchange with his bottom lip
in his teeth, doing his best to not explode into laughter. It became impossibly
more uncomfortable as the eye rolling, tongue clicking and audible 'tfffs'
were exponentially increased.
Carlisle leaned over and whispered to Esme, "Me-Me...what the hell is going
on?"
Esme smiled at him sweetly, replying in a whisper that only Edward and I
were in earshot of. "Shhhhhh. Just sit back and watch… this is going to get
interesting. I'll step in if food starts to get thrown."
Carlisle protested quietly, "But Me-Me…"
She held her hand up and whispered lovingly, "Shut it, Honey."
From across the table, the animosity increased as Emmett said, "Hey Rose,
looks like you broke a nail."
Ignoring them, Edward smiled at me gesturing to his plate, "French fry?" I
snatched one up after drenching it in the little bowl of ketchup set on the
side of his plate, because the freak had to have his ketchup separated from
the rest of his food in a confined area.
Rosalie replied to Emmett curtly, "No shit Sherlock."
Emmett retorted, "How did you do that?"
"Why do you care?" she snapped.
"Truthfully, I don't."
Rosalie spat, "Then why did you bring it up…to make me feel like shit…to
bring attention to it? Maybe if I didn't wait so long to have them manicured,
they wouldn't have broken. Now I have to go to a different salon to have my
needs taken care of properly." Something told me they were no longer
discussing fingernails.
Emmett scoffed grumbling under his breath, as Rosalie discreetly gave him
the finger…the one that happened to have the broken nail was her middle.
"Real classy, Rose," Emmett spat.
"Oh like you would know anything about class." Rose shot him daggers
across the table. "Because Kim is the queen of class, isn't she?"
"Well if I win Homecoming king, then she'll be my queen," he mused.
Makenna smiled cheerily, "I saw the queen of England on TV this morning!"
We couldn't figure out if the poor girl was just dying to be a part of the
conversation or if she was really that dimwitted.
Edward rolled his eyes at me, bowing his head. He whispered, "Wow."
I stole another fry from him, as Alice muttered, "What a fucking idiot."
Esme said again, "That's great sweetie," patting Makenna's hand.
Edward and I continued to laugh under our breath at the whole thing while
we shared fries. While the hostile banter continued, Edward dipped a fry in
ketchup, handing it to me. I bit it out of his hand, and he flinched, "Watch
the fingers!" He dipped another fry, moving to hand it to me, except that he
snatched the fry in his own mouth, teasing me. He dipped another, playfully
shoving it into his mouth before I could get it. Honestly, it was the cutest
thing ever, though no one was paying attention to us but Makenna and Esme.
Makenna's incessant staring was really getting on my nerves.
I grabbed the plate of fries, sliding it in front of me. Edward snatched my
barely touched ice cream, sliding it in front of him, and dug into it with his
spoon, laughing. Esme watched with amusement, while poor Carlisle, sat
with his spoon paused at his lips watching with wide eyes at the odd
hormone fueled exchanges that were taking place in from to him.
"Bella, what are you wearing tonight?" Makenna asked suddenly. I looked
up at her startled, with a fry hanging out of my mouth.
"Uh, I'm not going," I said, simply.
"Oh why not, don't you like dances?"
With a completely straight face, Edward deadpanned, "No Bella, hates
dances. Someone threw a bucket of pig's blood on her head at the last one
she went to." Carlisle choked on his ice cream, while Esme patted his back
with a snicker.
"Wow, Really? That's terrible!" Makenna remarked in awe. Apparently, she
never saw the movie Carrie.
I shrugged my shoulders and said, "It was awful. Bad memories." I laughed
to myself thinking that little did any of them know how close I actually did
come to having a Carrie prom moment.
"I'm so glad we aren't going," Edward whispered, leaning over toward me.
"Too much fucking drama." I nodded, thinking the exact opposite. Though I
was glad I wasn't dealing with the bullshit that my friends were going
through currently, I really would have liked to have gone. For a brief
moment before Edward said anything, I even thought about asking him if he
would go with me last minute. But he had said, "we" like we were one, a
couple, not "I", and that made me happy for a split second.
Jasper began to whisper into Makenna's ear, while she giggled, explaining to
her the movie reference. Alice huffed angrily, and stood abruptly, causing the
table to bounce and glasses of water to sway and overflow as everyone
stared up at her. "We have to go. I have to go to the post office to pick up a
package." She looked straight at Jasper, her glare downright evil. "Special
online order… from Victoria's Secret…lingerie."
Jasper looked straight at her, narrowing his eyes, he slipped his arm around
Makenna's shoulders deliberately. "They sell training bras at Victoria's
Secret?" Alice mouthed, "Fuck you," to Jasper, and we all sort of sat mouths
agape at Alice's sudden brazenness. When Alice found her balls, I do not
know, but I was glad she finally did.
"Hey, I bought my mom a sweater off of EBay last year for her birthday!"
Makenna chimed, like a five year old.
Edward muttered, "Oh for the love of god…"
Esme patted her hand again, "That's nice, sweetie."
I stood understanding my cue to leave, digging into my purse for bills to pay
for the ice cream. Carlisle sat back in his chair with a toothy grin. "Oh, no…
we've got this, girls. Dinner and a show, and totally worth it." It was the first
movement I had seen him make since we started eating.
"Yeah, I gotta head out too. Have to swing by the florist to pick up a
corsage…Roses," Emmett said, smirking at Rosalie.
Rosalie pushed up her boobs, flinging her long blonde locks behind her
shoulder. She sauntered over to Esme, extending her hand out in gratitude.
Then without breaking eye contact with Emmett, Rose bent down to place a
kiss on Carlisle's cheek. "Thanks for lunch, Dr. Cullen."
So fucking awkward.
She turned, disappearing down the aisle as we all stared in disbelief at Dr.
Cullen, who was completely red faced with his mouth hanging open. Esme
was hysterical next to him, covering her mouth to stifle her laughter. She
leaned into her husband, whispering, "Breathe, Honey," as she removed the
spoon that was frozen in mid air from his fingers.
"Hey, listen, B," Edward said as he stood. I looked up at him hoping he
wasn't about to do anything to make the situation even more awkward that in
was. "Since the party is only a few blocks from our houses, do you want to
maybe, walk over there…together?"
Tongue tied and elated, I nodded my head about a hundred times, before I
sputtered, "Um…yeah, well sure, okay, that's great…walking...together…
awesome."
Dear God, stop laughing at me and just kill me now.
Edward quirked an eyebrow at my sudden incapacity to for a coherent
sentence. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted his hat hanging off the back
of his chair. I swiped it, placing it on my head, before I thanked the Cullen's
for lunch as Alice linked her arm through mine.
When we were almost at the entrance where Rose was waiting with her arms
crossed, I turned when Edward called my name. "Hey Bella, be ready by ten,
okay? And I want my hat back."
I shook my head, batting my eyelashes. "I guess now I owe you a shirt and a
hat." He stood in the aisle, his eyes blazes of green, smirking and nodding
his head in agreement. The girls slipped out ahead of me, and I placed my
fingers to my lips, blowing Edward a quick kiss. His smirk never left his
face as he caught the air, before shoving his hand into his pocket with a roll
of his eyes.
I was absolutely giddy with the confirmation that he did indeed save my kiss
the last time. That boy took my heart first and then my kiss, and placed it
protectively into his front pocket…so close to where I wanted to be…
"Bella, stop staring at Edward's crotch." Rose whispered, as she pulled me
out the front door.
~%~
We stopped at the drug store, the post office, and the nail salon before
heading home to shower. I got ready fairly quickly, throwing on my favorite
dark jeans, a cute little black top that was low cut enough to just show a bit
of cleavage and my black stiletto boots with the pointy toes. I left my hair
down, curling it in to big lose waves, slapped on a little makeup, and headed
over to Alice's armed with my beauty arsenal.
I said hello to her mom, catching up with her quickly before running up the
stairs to see Alice. She was in her bathrobe, pacing. She was so nervous, and
still a bit hostile from earlier. She took a quick swig of a small bottle of
vodka she had stashed in her drawer wincing as it went down. I took a swig
as well, hissing at the burn in my throat. Once the iron was hot, I curled her
long hair as she requested, but by the time I finished applying her makeup,
the curls had all fallen out of her fine hair. I teased it instead, puffing the top
part up and pulling the rest back into a ponytail. A glittery headband over her
silky locks made it perfect. Together, we slipped the dress over her head and
laughed at the giant red kiss print she had on the butt of her black boy shorts.
We talked about the game and the complete debacle that was lunch, and she
mentioned that she was having second thoughts about Edward being gay.
Alice insisted that he was being flirtatious with me, sharing his fries and
giving me his hat at the game. But then she suggested he may be bi, not
necessarily gay, and I groaned, taking another swig of her vodka.
"I am proud of you Al," I said, changing the subject. She peered down at me
questioningly, as I fastened the strap of her shoe around her ankle. "For
standing up to Jasper today. I don't know why you let him talk down to you
at all."
"I don't know either. He just makes me so nervous, and I go shooting my
mouth all over the place whenever I'm near him."
"You didn't today," I remarked.
"Yeah, that's because I was so mad. How the hell can he like that nimrod
Makenna, over me? She's got an IQ of a snail."
I shrugged. "She's easy? I don't know, Alice. Jasper can be really sweet for
the most part, but he can also be a big dick when he wants to be. Maybe
Jasper's not even right for you...maybe you should just consider dating
Alec."
"No, Alec knows I don't like him like that. I mean he's cute and everything,
but we fool around because it's comfortable…and there's no pressure. He's in
love with Jane anyway."
"Jane? Lunch table Jane?" I asked in disbelief. She was attractive and if I
thought about it, she and Alec did make a cute couple, but I never saw the
girl outside of the cafeteria.
"Yeah, her parents are really strict. Her sister got pregnant when she was like
fifteen, so they don't let Jane go to parties or dances or date at all. I feel bad
for her actually. Alec and I are essentially using each other until we both get
who we want." She tugged on the ankle strap and lifted her foot to admire
the shoe. "Regardless of the fact that he is a complete douche sometimes, I
am crazy about Jasper, Bella. Just like you are crazy for Edward." She
looked up at me forlorn.
"Alright, well if you're going to continue pining for Jasper, then at least
make him stop calling you Xanax." I said, brushing out her long ponytail. I
spritzed some more hairspray on her head and stood back to admire my
work.
She shook her head no. "Bella, I know it's derogatory, but at least he's calling
me something." I looked at her questioningly before I realized what it meant.
"I'm not like you and Rose. You are both gorgeous and stylish and you know
how to flirt…I'm just sweet little Alice Brandon. Boring and plain," she
scowled. I tugged her up by the shoulders, facing her toward the mirror.
"Well, you're not so sweet or boring tonight." Alice smile brightly at the
reflection in the mirror. She looked stunning. With her hair back like that and
her eyes smoky, she looked older, sophisticated and rather sexy. Alice's arms
squeezed tightly around my waist in gratitude, just as the door bell rang.
Peering out her window, I asked, "Little blue car?" She nodded confirming
that it was Alec and we descended the stairs. I said hello to Alec, and good
bye to Alice, wishing them both a good time.
It was only just after eight as I crossed the street back toward home. I was a
little saddened by watching Alice and Alec, and I think the few swigs of
alcohol had gotten to me. I wanted a cigarette, and debated on going to
Edward's to ask him for one, but I didn't want to seem overly eager. He was
coming to get me in two hours. Technically it wasn't a date, since it was only
walking to a party a block away, but it was something, and we were doing it
together.
I waved to Emmett who was in his driveway, sliding into his freshly washed
black Range Rover. He was dressed in a royal blue colored shirt with a
striped yellow tie and black pants…very school spirited. The night was quiet
save for the sound of someone strumming a guitar in the distance. I
remembered the blanket still in my car from the game, and the giant bag of
M&M's I bought to keep in the tree house. Both items in hand, I opened the
gate to my yard, using the bright moonlight as guide down the path. It was
creepy and if it weren't for the sound of music floating from the direction of
the tree house, I would have been petrified. I did not like the dark, however,
my curiosity was piqued.
Just through the trees in the clearing, I could make out Edward's silhouette.
He was sitting on one of the swings, guitar in hand, strumming quietly. I
stood frozen, holding my breath… in awe, in disbelief, completely
enraptured. The bluish moonlight shone down on his dark hair, casting eerie
shadows and highlighting the strong lines of his profile. His lips were pursed
as he looked down at the instrument, strumming random notes. He found a
tune he was comfortable with and suddenly began to sing. I gasped,
clutching the blanket and ridiculously large bag of candy to my chest,
feeling voyeuristic, and shameful but not daring to move an inch. I wouldn't
have missed it for the world.
His voice, calling to me in the moonlight night was like liquid silk, soft yet
slightly raspy and masculine and just so…Edward.
"And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now…"
And though I had no idea if it was a coincidence, and I had not a clue if he
was singing about me, but I could only hope.
I was absolutely moved... and falling closer and closer to something starkly
resembling love than I ever could have imagined.
~%~

Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight related crap. I own a husband who
hates Edward Cullen with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns.
Thank you for all of your reviews, story alerts and whatnot. Your kind
words are like gifts to me. Thanks to Bec as always for proofing, and to
Suzy for being my side kick and Corn Hole Queen. I bow to you, bb.
Thank you to Kassiah for the rec on the Fictionators- I happy danced
around my kitchen until I stepped in something that was either yogurt
or puke and it still didn't stop my happy.
I appreciate all of the encouraging remarks about how you guys are
enjoying the slowish pacing on the story while our two semi-damaged
lovebirds get to know each other. I know it can be frustrating, but
remember they are young and this stuff takes time. For those of you I
promised Edward's truth coming out in chapter 12, I am sorry for
lying , but it will be in lucky number 13 instead. 12 has some awesomely
good shit in it regardless (can you say…shirtless Edward?) This is 11…
only shirtless Emmett in this one. Enjoy all 13,347 words of this.

High Anxiety
Chapter 11~ Crash and Burn
Then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.
Crashed~ Daughtry
~Edward~
"Fuck, fuck, God damn, fuck…" My sexual frustration shot out of me like
an erupting volcano, at the same moment fucking douchebag asshole
wankblocker Jasper came banging on my bathroom door, completely ruining
the precious moment of solitude and fantasy of Bella riding me reverse
cowboy. That fucker was not supposed to be in my bedroom uninvited under
any circumstances.
"Come the fuck on, Edward! You've been in there for like a half hour…I
gotta shower too, man!"
His fist hit my door repeatedly until I screamed, "Fuck off asshole, I'm
done… Goddamn it." One final slam and the banging ceased.
1.6 million dollars for a house with six fucking bathrooms and none of the
showers could be used simultaneously, otherwise the water pressure
diminished to a meager trickle. Forget about flushing the goddamn toilets, or
running the washing machine at the same time either.
Nice investment there, mom and dad.
I toweled off, running my fingers through my wet hair a few times before I
crossed the room into the walk in closet. My eyes scanned the green section
of my shirts, before settling on a thin dark green v-neck sweater, which was
close to the shade of the hoodie, so I knew Bella would like it. And frankly,
her liking it was all that was fucking important at the moment.
My gaze darted to the Box-o-Bella stashed on the bottom shelf, and I knelt
to lift the top. The smell of chocolate was pretty potent, and my dick
hardened at the first whiff that hit my nose.
I was officially turned on by M&M's.
What. The. Fuck.
My hand went instinctively to my cock, stroking it gently. I had a shit load
of time to kill before I had to be at Bella's and not a thing to do. On my
dresser sat a little red-fringed toothpick that came spearing the pickle on my
plate that afternoon. The same plate that shared the fries I fed Bella.
I fucking fed her food. God that was beautiful.
I tossed the toothpick in the box and made my way to my nightstand, pulling
out Bella's Heaven lotion, quickly locking my door. I spread my towel neatly
on the leather couch, as I was highly opposed to bare ass on my upholstery,
regardless of the fact that it was mine and it was squeaky clean. I squirted a
bit of Essence of Bella on my hand, and stroked until I was grunting her
name.
Motherfucker. Twice in an hour and I was still not satisfied.
I need to get laid.
After I washed my hands, I slipped on dark jeans, and a white tee shirt under
the sweater, standing in the full length mirror for inspection. The ensemble
looked good, and I noticed the color of the sweater made my eyes look really
fucking green. I smirked, knowing she'd like that as well.
I was such a fucking pussy. Completely and irrationally nervous and feeling
very anxious. I really wanted to ask Dad for a Xanax or a Valium, but he
knew I would be drinking tonight and he would never agree to give me
prescription drugs under those conditions. I even thought about delving into
the bottle of Zoloft I still had in my top drawer, but it was outdated and
likely expired by now. I was so fucking nervous.
This wasn't a fucking date.
I was picking her up…on foot…to go to an after party for a dance that
neither of us attended. It was not a fucking date. Then why the hell was I so
goddamn nervous? The whole day had me on edge, really. When we got to
the game, I saved the row in front of us for her and her girls, knowing from
past experience that seats filled up quickly, and I wanted her to sit near me
and not some belligerent over zealous douchebags. I literally prayed that she
would want to sit by me and my parents, and then when the Skank Squad
showed up, I knew it was slim to none that she, or Alice in particular, would
want to be around those bitches. It had to be gut wrenching for that girl to
watch my brother dick around with sweet, but incredibly dimwitted
Makenna. God, for her sake I hoped she was decent between the sheets.
But Bella came up anyway, nearly losing her pretty front teeth in the process
as she climbed the bleachers with a smile. She looked adorable in her blue
sweater and Nike's, which I had never seen on her before. Usually she had
on little girlie shoes or sexy heels. Not to say I didn't absolutely love the
come-fuck-me stiletto boots, but it proved that she could look just as hot
casually dressed.
She sat directly in front of me, letting my knees touch her back and allowing
the occasional foot brush against her thigh, which is probably the closest I
would ever get to actually touching her. I had the privilege of watching her
look entirely confused about the game, leaning to ask Rosalie what the hell
was going on when she couldn't see. As much as I hated covering up the red
highlights in her hair that were usually unnoticeable without the sun, I gave
her my hat, and God she smelled so fucking amazing, like chocolate and
Heaven and girl. And hell if I wasn't noticing things like shoes, and girlie
smells and highlights and natural fucking beauty.
Strike me dead now… maybe I am gay after all.
I fed her fries and stole her ice cream. She was beautiful when she laughed,
the two of us watching the mayhem that surrounded us at that table. I swear
it was like we were the only ones who weren't about to explode. Well let me
rephrase that. I was always about to explode, but for entirely different reason
all together.
But if I had any doubts, they were laid to rest this afternoon. Bella
reciprocated my feelings for her. She blew me another kiss as she left. She
could barely speak when I asked her if she wanted to walk over to Paul's
with me. My mother said she was smitten with me and while all this made
me fucking ecstatic…it made me want to puke my guts out. How the fuck
was I going to tell her?
So B, um, I like you, and you like me, but we can't be together until June
20th…of next fucking year, so let's just be friends for the next twenty one
months. And I won't be telling you why. Oh, and I would appreciate it if you
didn't talk to, look at or touch any other guys until then, because I will break
their fucking faces. Kthanx…
Fuck.
I was stressing over it big time. The one thing I wanted, to have her feel
what I felt, and it was making me fucking nauseous. She hadn't even
confirmed it yet, but my mom said she knew just by the way Bella looked at
me. Bella had it as bad as I did. Why did I not see it?
Opening the bag to take a deep whiff first, I then stashed the Ziplock full of
weed in my inside coat pocket, and put three already perfectly rolled joints
into a pack of Marlboro's, replacing three cigarettes. The smell of the weed
calmed me and honestly, I couldn't wait to smoke. I desperately needed to
get the fuck out of the house before my asshole brothers left and my mother
began embarking on her school event picture taking ritual. Standing there
observing would just make me feel stupid and more ashamed than I already
did, for not being able to participate in the night as it were. For not being
able to be what I should be for Bella.
I could already hear the music blaring and playful banter between their
bedrooms. My teeth curled over my top lip absently as I debated what the
fuck I should do. It wasn't raining and I could probably hang out outside in
my car, or just drive around aimlessly like a fucking loser douche.
The song on Emmett's stereo reminded me that I hadn't used my guitar since
we'd left Chicago. I just didn't have the desire to play until recently, and even
then I was hesitant about bringing something out from my past, fearing it
would conjure up a resurrection of Eddie Masen.
Hesitantly, I slid the black case from under the bed, opening the lid to make
sure it was still intact from the move. The case was dusted off at least once a
week, but had never ventured inside until tonight. Grandma and grandpa had
given one to each us a few Christmases back, always looking to nurture our
cultural potential. Em and Jazz still played theirs regularly. Gram and
Gramps would be thoroughly disappointed knowing that I'd given up on that
too. I made a mental note to call them tomorrow afternoon to say hello,
provided I wasn't hung over.
I clicked the light off in my room, leaving the balcony doors unlocked so I
could get back in easily later on. Looping the pants hanger around my
fingers, I grabbed my coat and the guitar case, stopping at Jasper's room. He
was in his boxer briefs, shaking his ass to an entirely overplayed Black Eyed
Peas song while finger combing his hair and making kissie faces at himself
in the mirror.
"Bro…thank you," he said genuinely, as he held out his hands to my never
worn Armani pants like they were an old friend. He could have bought
himself the pants, but they were limited editions and I got the last pair
online. I was feeling fucking generous, maybe because I was grateful that he
wasn't taking Bella with him. "Hey, lighten up man… at least your pants are
going. Maybe they will get lucky and end up balled up on the floor
somewhere." He grinned like a shit eating douchebag, pulling on the pants,
and grabbing his crotch in the mirror. Fucking cocksucker.
Yeah, that's helpful.
"I swear to God, if you get Jazzy Jizz on my Armani's I will cut you. Get
them dry cleaned before you return them to me please," I snapped, as he
rolled his eyes.
"Hey, you're coming to Paul's around what, ten?" he asked. I just nodded,
turning to walk out the door. I sat on the top step of the stairs laughing and
lacing up my boots as Jazz and Em began to insult each other again.
"Yo Em, you got any Trojan's I could use, bro? I'm out." Dad looked at me
from the bottom of the stairs, shaking his head. I couldn't tell if he was proud
that at least two of his boys were getting some, or if was entirely disgusted at
the blatant lack of discretion. "No, I need the fucking Magnums."
Fucking Magnums…you wish. "Awfully sure of yourself there, Stud," I
yelled to Jazz shaking my head in revulsion. Who the hell was he trying to
kid?
"Hey, I didn't ask her to go the dance for her stimulating conversation," he
yelled back.
"Yeah, today at the restaurant proved that." Jasper cackled, knowing that he
was only taking this girl out to get in her pants. He was a fucking slob. And
part of me was jealous, I won't lie. He had all these options, freedoms,
choices that he completely took advantage of and I don't think he
appreciated any of it.
I slipped on my gray pea coat, newly freed from the environmentally safe
cleaner and sprinted down the stairs. Dad patted my shoulder, handing me a
handful of twenties and said, "Be good tonight." I nodded, thanking him,
heading toward the kitchen exit. Mom was at the island, fiddling with her
digital camera. She whispered that I looked handsome and told me she loved
me as I bend to kiss her cheek.
The moon was huge and full; ghostly white slipping in and out of the clouds
while casting long, luminescent shadows over the trees. I headed out to the
driveway thinking that maybe I'd walk down to the river in back for some
inspiration. The light of the moon reflecting over the water would be
beautiful. As I took the path down, I stopped suddenly, changing directions,
realizing the only inspiration I really wanted would need to come straight
from the source. At the tree house, I could see Bella's room much closer than
I could from my balcony, though when I got there, her window was dark.
The tree house looked eerie in the glowing light, almost intimidating. The
fucking pansy in me chose to sit outside, and I planted my ass on Bella's
yellow swing, unlocking the case, and lifting the guitar to my lap. I
strummed a bit, tuning the instrument as it had not been touched in more
than a year.
There was a fucking song in my head that had been lingering for a week, and
I knew I wanted to get it out. It was so goddamn Bella and me that it wasn't
even funny. I sang the lyrics to Iris soft and low, engulfed by the meaning
and the relevance to my own emotions, as the thrums of the strings against
my fingers filled my body with peace. I found myself forgetting the anxiety
and the nervousness, and calming down, almost melting into the music.
Until I heard the sudden odd sound of rattling and a thud followed by a
distinctly female, "Oh shit!" which all of, by the way, made me jump and
drop my guitar off of my lap. My heart was thudding loudly in my chest.
"Jesus fuck, Bella!" I snapped, sharper than I should have as I righted the
instrument back on my knees. She was visibly taken back from the
expression on her face, and I softened my voice, "You scared the shit out of
me."
"I'm sorry. I came back here to drop off provisions, and I heard you. I didn't
want to interrupt." She leaned timidly against a tree with the strap of her
purse hanging around her arm as she clutched a blanket and the culprit of the
offensive rattling and thud. In her arms was the mother load of M&M's. The
smile on my face actually hurt, it was so damn big. It was partially for her
unexpected presence, and partly for the snacks she came bearing.
I nodded toward her arms. "Whatcha got there?"
Her face lit up, as she possessively clutched the bag to her chest, grinning
smugly. "Treats." With my finger I silently motioned for her to come over.
She sat on the swing next to me, laying the blanket and bag down on her lap,
putting her purse in the grass beside her. She looked so fucking pretty in the
moonlight with the bluish haze casting a halo effect on her hair. She had on
skin tight jeans and black knee high boots that looked very uncomfortable.
From her cute little open coat, I could see that her perfect breasts were
pushed together and framed by the black low v of her shirt. Fucking perfect
tits, this one had.
"Nice coat," she said giggling.
"Thanks. When you told me you had a gray pea coat I thought it was funny."
"You can borrow my matching hat and gloves any time," she remarked with
a smirk.
"Really, you think they would look good on me?" I rolled my eyes.
"I had no idea you played the guitar. Can you play something else?" she
asked. I wasn't prepared for an audience, and truthfully, I was so out of
practice, I didn't really want her to hear me play until I was fine tuned.
I shuffled my feet, pushing the swing back slightly. "Uh…I'm really
rusty….haven't played in a long time."
She shrugged her shoulders. "You sounded amazing to me...your voice is…
beautiful." She looked down at the ground almost embarrassed by her
admission.
"Alright…but I'll have to charge you," I said, averting my gaze downward as
I began to strum absently.
"Charge me?" she screeched, drawing her head back. "Like in dollars?"
"No, like in treats," I responded. She chuckled, the sound sending chills
down my spine and straight to my groin. Thank the fucking lord I jerked off
twice, or I probably would have gotten blue balls. She opened the bag,
handing it to me. I took a small handful, popping a few at a time into my
mouth.
"Any requests?"
"I dunno. Something current?" Her face scrunched up as she thought about
it. I began to strum one of the few current songs that I knew I could pull off
easily. I had always been able to take a tune and translate it straight onto the
keyboard of the piano, and I had pretty much the same ability with the
guitar. I was sort of embarrassed singing in front of Bella, but she seemed so
eager and enthusiastic about the whole thing, I really couldn't tell her no. I
never wanted to tell her no to anything, ever.
The first few words came out rough after the chocolate, so I stopped and
cleared my throat, restarting.
Well I was moving at the speed of sound.
Head-spinning, couldn't find my way around, and
Didn't know that I was going down.
Yeah, yeah.
Her smile was huge and I tried not to make eye contact with her while I
focused on the lyrics. I fucked up twice, but she and I laughed over it. My
fingers were trembling, though playing was still comforting enough. When I
finished she clapped and threw a handful of candy at me as I slid the guitar
back in its case.
"What am I a fucking seal? You're rewarding me?" I asked playfully as I
caught a few candies in my hand. She shrugged, giggling like a little girl. I
am pretty sure she was nervous too. I pulled out the pack of smokes in my
pocket, slipping out the joint.
"You wanna smoke?"
She nodded her head ardently, clapping her hands to together. "Oh, wait I
have something for you!" Bella turned, grabbing her purse from the ground
as she rifled through it. She produced a small object with a tiny red bow
sitting on top. She held it out to me, patiently waiting for me to retrieve it
from her. I took it from her hesitantly, wondering what the hell it was, and
why she would be giving me a present. Turning it in my hands, I couldn't
really make out what it was. Her cell phone light blinked on as she held it
over my palm. Her perfume was completely distracting as was the chocolate
scent of her hair brushing my arm and I tried to pay attention to everything
but her. I was failing miserably.
"It's a lighter and a game." She plucked the red bow off the top, pointing to
the plastic cartridge. "See… you press the red button and the balls shoot out.
You have to get them in the matching color grooves." She smiled proudly,
moving her swing back a foot. My look on my face must have confused her,
because her smile fell. "You are always playing with your lighter. I thought
you would like it."
"B, this is so full of awesomeness I can't even speak right now. Thank you,"
I said, truly meaning it. I pushed the button, watching the balls fly into the
fluid, mesmerized not only by the novelty of the lighter, but her
thoughtfulness. She giggled, happy that I liked it, I guess. I looked up at her,
meeting her gaze, which she held for just a moment before her hand flew to
her mouth chewing her nails.
I wish I could fucking kiss you right now.
I used my new lighter to ignite the joint, taking a fierce pull from it, before
handing it to her. I watched her take in the smoke, hold it in her lungs for a
minute and then blow the smoke out into the brisk night air. She was so
perfect, it hurt. We passed the joint back and forth a few times until Bella
announced she was "So fucking high," at which point I snuffed it out the
dirt. Bella and I were quiet for a while, enjoying the numbness and the buzz
when she began to absently sing the Daughtry song I played for her.
"You sing really well," I said seriously. Her voice was sweet and high. She
looked up at me rolling her eyes. "Your voice is pretty."
As is the rest of you.
"I can't sing for shit, E," she said curtly. It was entirely fucking possibly that
she couldn't sing but I was blinded by what I felt for her. "I saw Emmett
leaving before. He looked handsome. Rosalie is going to be out of her mind
tonight. So is Alice, now that I think about it. Should be a fun dance," she
snickered, sarcastically. I quirked an irritated eyebrow at the fact that she
had said Em looked handsome. I mean, yeah, he was a fucking good looking
guy, but she didn't have to bring it up. I sucked the comment up, realizing
that I was being a dick.
"Yeah, after today's Friendly's fiasco, I'm almost sorry I'm missing all the
action. But I'll give you a full run down on the outcome from the guys
perspective tomorrow," I laughed.
"So, does Jasper really like Makenna, or is he just hanging out with her for
her intellect?"
"Uh…what do you think? Jazz is a dickhead when it comes to girls, but I'm
pretty sure that's all a kind of defense mechanism to not get hurt. He had a
serious girlfriend back in Chicago…"
"Emily," she cut in. I shot her a look of shock. "Yeah, Jasper told me all
about her. I was surprised. I mean Jasper doesn't seem like a one girl kind of
guy. Alice doesn't have a shot in hell after her, does she?"
I exhaled, shrugging my shoulders. "I don't know, B." She nodded, twirling
her swing around. "You don't have water in your giant purse, do you? I have
the worst cotton mouth." I said with a rather raspy grit to my voice as my
throat, tongue and mouth were so goddamn parched I was cursing myself for
not planning ahead.
She stopped twirling her swing to search the bag. "Nope, curling iron, cover
up…boob tape…no water. Here's some gum, though." I took the stick from
her, sliding it onto my mouth. Much better.
I asked with an eyebrow quirked, "Boob tape? Do I even want to know?"
"I helped Alice get ready…thought she might need to strap those bad boys
in," she giggled. Jesus, it must suck to be a girl. "Hey E… where's Jasper
and Emmett's mom? He was talking about his mom the other day, and I am
never sure if he means his birth mother or your mom. I mean, it's none of my
business, so you don't have to tell me, I just felt awkward asking him." I
debated for a second telling her, because I wasn't sure if I was my place. It
wasn't a big deal, and I knew that if she asked Jasper, he would tell her
without question. They were so little when it happened that neither of them
hardly remembered her.
"Their mom. Elizabeth, died a long time ago. Jasper was like two years old
and Em was maybe three and a half, I think." I looked up squinting, as I tried
to remember their exact ages. I had heard the story only a few times, as
Elizabeth wasn't often mentioned around the house.
"Wow, they were just babies."
"Yeah, she was out in the yard with them and she just collapsed one
afternoon. She had a fucking brain aneurism and died like, right there. Thank
God a neighbor saw it happen, otherwise Em and Jasper…well who knows
what would have happened to them. Dad was working odd shifts at the
hospital so he wasn't supposed to be home until the following night. Can you
imagine two little kids all alone for that much time?" I shuddered thinking
about it. Bella's hand was over her mouth, as she sat stunned.
"Oh my God. Carlisle had two little boys to take care of all by himself?"
I pursed my lips, holding back a smirk. "Well, not by himself...my mom…
was sort of their nanny."
"No…your dad was doing the nanny?" she scoffed, seeming very surprised.
"Oh sorry, I didn't mean…I didn't realize that's how they met."
I flicked my hand dismissively. "He met Esme right after Elizabeth passed
away. It's actually a funny story. Um…" I turned in the swing to face her.
"Do you want to hear this or…" I asked timidly, not knowing if she even
gave a shit about how my parents met. When she nodded enthusiastically
rolling her eyes, I continued.
"I had gotten really sick…the flu, and it eventually turned into pneumonia.
Mom brought me to the Emergency room, and because she had no
insurance, they were trying to make her go to another hospital all the way
across town. But Carlisle was a resident there, and wouldn't let her leave. He
basically saved my life."
"How old were you?" she asked.
"Like, a year and a half."
"God, you were so little," she said with wide eyes.
"Well, my mom was on her own, working and trying to go to school with a
toddler and barely making it. She had no idea how to take care of a baby,
and she was doing the best that she could. Her family sort of kicked her out
so…"
"Wait, her own family kicked her out? I thought that only happened in the
movies."
I chuckled darkly. "No, it's real life too, B. Her family owned a restaurant on
the coast of Maine…tourist town. They expected her to take it over, you
know keep the business in the family, and she wanted no part of it...
obviously, I mean her cooking skills are for shit. When she went off to art
school in Chicago, they wouldn't help her pay for it so, you know, she had to
work her ass off just to get by. She came home that summer and was
working at the restaurant and that's where she met my father…Edward."
Bella's eyes widened and her lip sucked into her teeth, obviously captivated
by the story. This was surprisingly not hard…talking about my history to
Bella. I wanted her to know about me, as much as I could give her, anyway.
"According to my mom, he was like this rich, spoiled brat that belonged to
the country club crowd. My mom and her friends were hanging out at the
beach one night and they met there. She and Edward spent a fucking
weekend together, and a month later she found out she was pregnant. When
she contacted him, he told her basically that he wanted nothing to do with
her or me or…" I checked Bella's expression. I had never told the story
before out loud actually, and only a handful of people knew the tale of my
paternity as it was. "He didn't even believe that the baby was his, the fucking
prick. I mean, mom said she had no intention of marrying him, she barely
even knew him, but he mailed her a check and told her to get rid of the
problem." Bella gasped, clearly horrified.
"It doesn't bother me, because truthfully, I know who my father is, and it
isn't Edward Masen. I just wish she wouldn't have given me his name. I
think she regrets it too, but maybe she thought that he would change his
mind if he knew I was his namesake or some shit." Bella sat there with her
mouth hanging open. I pulled out my pack of cigarettes, offering her one.
After lighting them both, I handed one to her.
"So what happened?" she asked, taking a puff. I exhaled a blast of thick gray
smoke, and when it dissipated I saw that her gaze was locked intently on my
face. I was glad none of this affected me, because the last thing I wanted was
to appear weak with emotion. I was spilling my whole life to a girl I knew
for less than two weeks but for some reason, I felt I could trust her
implicitly. The look in her eyes, and what she did to my heart told me it was
alright, that she wouldn't betray my secrets.
"Well, my mom kept me, obviously, and when her family found out she was
pregnant by him, they were furious…practically fucking disowned her. They
were hardworking blue collar Irish Catholic, and you don't go getting
knocked up by the son of a half Italian half -who knows what -shady
businessman and stuck up socialite from New York. She shamed them. Mom
left to go back to school, gave birth to me seven months later and struggled
hard. The few times she was in contact with them, her parents never even
offered her their help, or even asked her about me, their bastard grandson."
"I'm so sorry, E," she said softly; full of compassion and sorrow, as she bit
her lip. Her eyes, even in the moonlight were huge pools of dark chocolate,
and filled with sadness. I didn't want my girl to be sad, especially over me.
"Honestly, it doesn't bother me. I mean, I never met any of them, and I have
Carlisle's family, anyway. He's all I've ever known, so it doesn't make much
difference to me. He is my father, his family is my family. What bothers me
is how that dickhead, Edward could do that to my mom. I get that he didn't
know her hardly, but he knew she kept the baby and never even bothered to
contact her."
"So you've never met him then?"
I shook my head, no. I debated telling her about the little trip I took to New
York last year, but I knew it would involve a lot more detailed information
than I was ready to divulge. Baby steps. "Well, when I was in the hospital,
they needed to know family history and shit…my mother had no idea about
my paternal side. I mean, his name is on my birth certificate but he never
even saw me. She got in touch with Edward after the prick dodged her calls
for two days, and after a whole shit load of back and forth, he got his lawyer
to order a DNA test, which evidently confirmed I was his son."
"But he never came to see you? Not even once?" Bella's voice was filled
with incredulity. "How could you not want to see your kid?" She shook her
head, absently biting her lip again. In the near distance, the sound of heavy
bass beats permeated the air indicating that the party had started. I hadn't
realized how long we had been talking.
"She sent him a picture when I was a few months old, but the piece of shit
didn't respond to it. I'm the spitting image of him. The only thing I got from
my mom was her hair color. It was so fucking obvious… Anyway, after the
paternity test he started sending these huge child support checks once a year.
My mother thinks it's just a sort of payment in exchange for leaving him out
of it, and part of it is guilt. But he had heard she married Carlisle, and she
thinks he is afraid that she finally had the finances to ensure a good lawyer
who could wrangle even more out of him. He's a fucking douche no matter
what. I almost don't want to take the money, but I figure he owes her for
letting her struggle all those years."
"So wait…Carlisle was your doctor? How did your mom…"
"Oh, right. Um well, he paid the hospital bill, and my mom refused to take
charity. So in exchange, he offered her a place to live and a job as Jasper and
Emmett's nanny. She finished up school eventually and I guess whatever
happens between two people happened between them. They got married
when I was five. My mother says it was fate that I brought them together,
and they are soul mates or some stupid shit." I shrugged my shoulders,
cursing myself for looking so down upon the idea of fate. I don't know that I
necessarily believed in all the bullshit about destiny and whatnot, but I
definitely held a strong belief in otherworldly forces working for and against
us.
"Wow that was…wow. So your mom was young when she had you?"
"Nineteen." Fucking nineteen with a kid and no money, no family, nothing.
"My mom was eighteen. She was pregnant with me at the prom," she said
with raised eyebrows. "I believe the story is, that they got so wasted on New
Years Eve that they forgot to use a condom. Nice, right?"
I chuckled, shaking my head. "You know, our parents are supposed to be
fucking role models. If they ever complain about us doing bad shit, you
know it was their own reckless faults." My phone buzzed in my pocket. It
was Jasper.
"Yo." I could hear music and giggling in the background, and the slight slur
of Jasper's voice.
"Bro, you on your way? I left my weed home." He was already wasted.
I looked over at Bella who was back to twirling her swing around. I smiled
at her- she behaved, spoke and dressed like an young adult, but I fucking
loved the little girl that came peeking out to play every once in a while.
"Yeah, we're on our way now." I hung up with Jasper and grabbed my guitar
case. "You ready to head over?" She stood, climbing the rope ladder to the
tree house then dumping all her stuff inside.
I handed her the guitar case, which she pretended to lose a grip on, and
scowled at her as she slid it in carefully.
The sound of Bella's heels rhythmically clicked on the pavement as we
walked side by side down the dimly lit street. I had to slow down my pace to
meet hers when she complained that her legs were half the size of mine and
her heels were three times as high. Every inch of me struggled to resist
putting my arm around her tiny waist, or to slip my hand into hers. I wanted
to kiss her so fucking badly, feel her body pressed against mine in the worst
way.
I hated not being able to do what felt natural.
I fucking hated Charlotte for taking this away from me.
We were less than a block away and neither of us had said a word. I was
afraid our talk had inadvertently put a damper on her spirits, or that she was
letting any of it bother her. "You okay? You're quiet…for a change," I
smirked.
She grinned, stickling out her tongue. "I'm fine. That conversation about
your parents was just a little…heavy." Yeah, I knew it was weighing on her.
She was sweet, and good and I shouldn't have burdened her innocence with
my fucking pathetically sad tale.
"Yeah, I know. Sorry. I didn't mean to kill your buzz."
"No, it's fine. I'm…actually honored that you told me such personal stuff,"
she said as she breathed heavily. "E…could you slow down please? My
calves are killing me."
I slowed my pace again, forgetting that she was so little. I hadn't had a girl
walk next to me in ages. "Sorry about that. Why do you wear those boots if
they hurt you?"
"They only hurt when I'm running trying to keep up with your long ass legs.
What's the rush?"
"No rush. You know, I am surprised you can even walk in them, considering
your…spazziness," I teased.
"Actually, I'm less spastic in heels. I have to pay attention better when I am
wearing them, and something about the arch of my foot being so high makes
it easier to walk. I dunno."
I looked at her face. "You aren't really a spaz. You know I'm just teasing
when I call you that, right?"
"Yeah, yeah, I know. And you know I'm just teasing when I call you a freak,
right?"
"You call me a freak?" I asked.
"Behind your back, I do." I stopped dead in the middle of the street
narrowing my eyes at her.
"I'm kidding!" she said, throwing her hands up in the air. "Jeez! Don't you
think I have more interesting topics to discuss in my free time than Edward
Cullen?" Bella rolled her eyes, smirking that playful little smile that told me
she did in fact talk about me to her friends.
The block was packed bumper to bumper on either side of the road, kids
holding blue and yellow plastic cups filled with what I assumed was shitty,
warm keg beer. We walked along the grass, avoiding the cars that were
speeding past in haste to get their partying on. One look through the living
room window and a cursory glance at the sea of heads bobbing up over the
fenced back yard told me the house was filled way beyond capacity. That
meant wall-to-wall bodies pressed up against each other. Not exactly the
ideal location for a person like myself. Besides that, without parental
supervision in a neighborhood this tight knit, the cops would likely be here
dismantling the celebration within the hour.
"Hey Bella!"… "Sup Cullen?" Ben and Angela were sitting on a picnic table
at the entrance to the crowded yard. Bella and Angela hugged, while Bella
stood back, admiring and complimenting Angela's outfit. I told Angela she
looked pretty, then Ben and I bullshitted about how fucking lame the dance
was, and he informed me Emmett and Kim won homecoming king and
queen. At that exact moment, Bella and I looked at each other grimacing,
knowing there was a shit load of drama that was going to be the result of that
outcome.
My eyes scoured the party looking for Jasper, so I could give him his weed
and get drinks for us. Bella climbed atop the picnic table, peering over the
yard of heads. She looked so fucking hot standing on her tip toes.
"Jasper and Makenna, and…assorted skanks," she pointed to the far side of
the yard. Her finger moved the opposite direction toward the swing set.
"Lots of football players and Emmett wearing a crown over by the keg…
whoa…Alice and Alec… making out with his hands on her ass… don't see
Rose anywhere…" Bella jumped down off the table, and I would have loved
to have held my hand out to her, helping her down, but I stood there lighting
a cigarette instead like a big fucking inconsiderate douche.
"I'm gonna go find Rose and see if she needs um…girl talking or whatever.
Are you going to stay here?" I nodded and smiled as Mike and Tyler came
over talking incessantly, but I barely heard anything they said. I was too lost
in Bella and Angela weaving through the immense sea of people as they
disappeared into the crowd. I was irrationally worried about her, though I
knew I shouldn't be.
I finished my smoke and took a short walk with the guys over by the keg,
discreetly attempting avoiding female contact in the process. Emmett was
completely wasted, surrounded by his entire team who were also
belligerently shit faced and quite fucking shirtless. On Em's head was an
enormous gold crown and he was wearing a fucking shiny white sash
proudly across his bare chiseled torso.
He threw an arm around my shoulder screaming, "My baby Bro! You know
how much I fucking love this kid? God, this kid is the shit. Look at this
pretty face." He squeezed my cheeks hard before he planted a big wet sloppy
motherfucking kiss on my cheek, which now not only exacerbated the
rumors of me being gay, but added incest to it as well.
Emmett got really fucking affectionate when he drank beer. Hard liquor, on
the other hand was a whole other Emmett. I cringed, embarrassed over the
attention, but gratefully nodding as someone handed me a cup of foam
topped beer.
"Congrats, Em. You deserve it," I said, patting him on the back. The beer
was ice cold, and I chugged it down relishing in the immediate thirst
quenching effect of it.
"Where's Tink?" he asked, handing me another full cup of beer.
"Looking for Rosalie."
Emmett rolled his yes and groaned. "She's not here yet." He patted his back
pocket where his phone was stashed. "I got my spies working, and no sign of
her. She's pissed at me for fucking kissing Kim and shit on the dance
floor...in front of everyone."
I groaned, shaking my head at my dickhead brother. "You kissed her?"
"Ah, just a little one on the cheek. But she's still pissed. Serves her right for
going with Jared."
I chuckled. "I am feeling too damn good to deal with that shit, Em… I don't
even want to fucking know about it right now. Listen, if I don't see you, get
home safe, okay?" I said, turning to leave.
He grabbed my bicep, yanking me back toward him. "Hey, Edward," he
slurred as he turned me to face him. His eyes were startlingly intense as he
brought his face really close, the proximity almost uncomfortable. "I love
you. Seriously. I can't wait to watch you finally be with that girl. I can't
fucking wait." His voice was low enough, and no one was paying much
attention to us, now that one of the guys was guzzling beers with unbridled
enthusiasm from his audience.
Me fucking too.
I nodded, smirking at him. "You have fun Buddy. I'm gonna go find Bella." I
got two more full cups of beer before the guys and I headed back to the
picnic table, stopping a few times to talk with some people from the party.
Pulling out my phone, I texted Bella.
Where are you?
On line 4 bathroom. U miss me already?
Maybe. Picnic table by gate.
Connor stopped me, hugging me and whispering in my ear to ask if I had
any weed on me. I hesitantly gave him the joint in my Marlboro pack, letting
him know that no one was to know where he got it from, I was not a dealer,
and didn't want to be associated with supplying drugs to anyone.
By the time I made it over to the table, Jasper and Bella were there. She was
drinking a beer and laughing hysterical about something, while Makenna
looked on with a blank expression.
I greeted them all hello, placing the cup of beer on the table motioning for
Bella to take it. I inconspicuously slipped the bag of weed into Jasper's
jacket pocket and then told Makenna she looked pretty in her red dress. Her
face lit up and in my periphery, I observed Bella's own smile fall as she
distantly looked away pursing her lips.
I was fucking high and buzzed from the quick intake of the two ginormous
cups of beer, but regardless, I knew something was wrong. Was she bothered
by the fact that I told Makenna she looked pretty? I mean, I only said it
because she was my brother's date, and it was true. Jasper was
expressionless, and clearly irritated about something. I quirked an eyebrow
at him, but he shook his head minutely before looking away.
I sighed out loud, knowing that this was going to be a long fucking night.
I moved on the other side of Bella, inches away from her. Leaning to
whisper in her ear, I could smell her scent and it was intoxicating, almost
knocking me off balance. "Hey, what's wrong? Everything okay?"
She looked up at me, a small smile on her lips. In the glare of the bright
porch lights, her eyes were huge and so fucking brown. I noticed for the first
time the little orange and gold triangular speckles that dotted her irises. They
were beautiful.
She didn't respond to my concerned question, but stared fixedly in my eyes
until I had to smile to break the intensity. My fingers twitched at the
suppression of the involuntary response to touch her cheek. I was willing to
bet my fucking car that her skin would feel like silk underneath my fingers.
It was fucking crazy how forcefully my heart pounded while a wave of stark
heat washed over me. Not sexual, just fucking…raw unsettling emotion with
the concentration of a motherfucking tidal wave. My hearing was abruptly
disconnected and as quick as a sneeze we were suddenly alone in the yard…
the silence deafening.
Just Bella and I staring at each other.
That was the moment I should have kissed her for the first time.
In a way I was glad that I couldn't because I wanted our first kiss to be
sweet, and special and not in the middle of a bunch of drunken assholes in
someone's crowded backyard. She deserved much more than that. I licked
my lips and exhaled, taking a huge gulp of beer, which made the noise turn
back on with startling volume.
Bella, likely having the same bizarre reaction, inhaled a staggered breath and
asked me for a cigarette, breaking the intense moment. It almost looked as if
she were going to cry. I popped up onto the edge of the crowded picnic table,
sliding back until I was leaning on my knees with my elbows. Reaching into
my pocket, I pulled out two smokes, lit them with my new lighter, and gave
one to her. She put it into her mouth, before she propped her boot onto the
bench between my legs. Bella's knee was about a half a foot away from my
crotch.
I just watched her intently, as she shimmied up her pant leg and unzipped the
black leather boot to fix her slouching sock. The line of her body, stretched
out like that was motherfucking gorgeous and what I wouldn't give to have
that knee thrown over my shoulder with her naked and wet. When both feet
were placed steadily on the ground, she flicked her ash next to her, shifting
from one foot to another. I opened my legs wide, saying fuck it to myself, as
my dick grew in my pants.
"Sit."
Her eyes darted from my crotch, to my eyes, and then back to my crotch
again. I wondered if she had any idea if I was hard, but likely not, because
my jacket was covering up most of me. Bella sat between my legs, never
touching me, just smoking her cigarette quietly. I noticed she was smiling at
nothing and I laughed as I blew thick smoke rings over her pretty little head
in perfect succession. She was my sweet angel and she deserved nothing but
a halo. If I couldn't give her anything physical than I could give her my
fucking heart...all the messed up pieces of it, anyway. If she would have me.
I leaned over close to her ear with the intent of telling her how pretty she
was compared to all these girls, but when I got that close to her hair, I froze,
chickening the fuck out. As soon as I drew my head back up, Alec slipped
through the crowd, clasping little Alice's hand as he towed her tipsy body
behind him. We bumped fists, while Jasper glared at Alice oddly, pulling
Makenna tightly into his chest. Alice was wrecked beyond belief; her
makeup smeared, and her ponytail a mess. Alec said he was taking her home
before she threw up on his shoes.
It was shortly after that, when someone yelled out that the cops had been
called. The plan was for everyone to relocate to First Beach to resume the
party. Bodies scattered, car engines started, and before long the yard was a
sea of yellow and blue plastic cups.
Bella and I declined Jasper's offer for a ride, as we preferred to walk home.
She was tipsy, giggling while attempting to walk in a straight line as people
and cars passed us noisily. She almost tripped and I laughed at her when
suddenly, on the lawn in a dark corner, I spotted a group of Freshmen
pushing a small kid around. I could hear them cursing and calling him a
fucking fag and a homo, and the whole scene just pissed me the fuck off.
"Fuck. Bella, get out of the street and stay here," I ordered. She watched me
with wide eyes as I stalked over to the group, gripping one of the aggressors
by the scruff of his neck.
I growled, "Leave him the fuck alone." I took the kid, tossing him backward
onto the grass with a thud. A taller kid, charged at me, but I flung him to my
right, flipping him on his back. He groaned when his body made contact
with the ground. From my periphery, I noticed a small crowd watching
nearby.
"Anyone else? Come on, that's all you pussies are gonna give me?" I spat, as
the other guys backed up slowly, fear in their eyes at my semi-violent
expression. I didn't like to fight, but I would do it if I had to defend someone
who couldn't defend himself. The boy got up off the ground, stumbling back
away from the other guys.
"What's your name?" I asked the kid, as I put my arm around his shoulder.
He whispered, "Amun," and I knew instantly that he was the exchange
student from Egypt by his accent.
I directed by gaze back to the trembling fuckers staring back at me. "If I ever
see you fucking with Amun again, I will kill you. Do you understand?"
Heads nodded frantically, and bodies scattered in fear. I smiled, patting the
frightened kid on his back. "You okay?" I asked. He shook his head yes; his
dark eyes were huge and scared. Amun thanked me quickly before bolting
down the block like a bat out of hell.
I trotted over to Bella who stood there dumbfounded with her hand covering
her mouth. I shrugged my shoulders nodding my head to continue walking.
She said how brave and sweet that was of me, but it was no big deal really. I
liked that she thought I was some sort of a hero to that kid though, I won't
lie.
I held the gate for her, as we took the path to the tree house to retrieve our
belongings. Bella said she wasn't quite ready to home and truthfully I was
happy about that, because I wasn't ready for the night to end either. We sat
inside the dark little house, opening the shutters to allow the moonlight in.
She looked pretty in any light, but the moonlight was by far the most radiant
of them. Her skin glowed, and her hair looked eerie as a halo of blue
skimmed the crown of her head. She looked like an angel.
We sat side by side, about a foot apart while Bella snuggled under the
blanket. We talked, and I shivered as the night grew on, and the moon rose
higher in the sky, shifting the shadows overhead. Bella threw the blanket on
top of my legs as she scooted closer to me. Her warmth captured under the
fabric enveloped my body and it was comforting and sweet and smelled
amazing, like her.
She drew her knees up to her chin, resting her cheek on her knee as she
wrapped her arms around her calves.
Bella smiled at me, whispering, "Thank you for telling me about your mom
tonight. I really feel honored." I nodded, smiling at her softly. She closed her
eyes, lacing her fingers together as if in prayer. I stared at her cocking my
head to the side.
"B, what are you…" Bella held her index finger up, telling me one minute. A
minute or so later, she made the sign of the cross with her fingers, opening
her eyes and laying her cheek back down on her knees.
"Were you just praying? I didn't realize you were religious," I remarked,
quite surprised at the action.
"Oh, I'm not. It's…it's silly. Nighttime prayers are something I've done with
my dad since I was little. When I left with my mom, it was the last thing he
said to me." She deepened her voice to mimic Charlie. "'Bella, listen to your
mom, and don't forget to brush your teeth and say your prayers at night.' It
kept me feeling close to him." I smiled, trying to conjure up the image of a
young Bella.
"What do you say?"
She laughed, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "Oh, um…well, I always
ask God to bless everyone I love, and I usually ask him to watch over people
less fortunate than me. Tonight I asked him to save the little boy on the news
that was hit with the fastball at that baseball game. Did you hear about that?"
I nodded. "And then I usually thank him for the things I have and sometimes
I ask for a favor." She shrugged her shoulders while I smiled at her dumbly.
Just when I though I couldn't fall any harder…
"E?" she said. "Can I ask you something?" she bit her bottom lip, taking a
deep breath, I pulled my legs up, mimicking her position. I was really
fucking tired. The weed and beer had done its job well and I yawned,
nodding yes to her question.
"Are you gay?" She blurted it out in one quick breath like she had been
prepping herself to do it for weeks. I felt a smile creep on my mouth, and I
suppressed the urge to laugh out loud. I don't know what I was expecting her
to ask me, but it was most certainly not fucking that. I suppose it was
inevitable that she would ask, considering the rumors that surrounded my
questionable sexuality. Though I figured her asking was out of sheer
curiosity, part of me was hoping that she was asking because she wanted to
know why I hadn't kissed her yet.
"Uh, no. I'm not gay."
She quirked an eyebrow. "Bi?"
"Not even a little bit. I like girls."
I like you. A lot.
Her lips quivered with an exhaled breath, which was clearly one of relief,
but no smile made its way onto her lips. She was troubled. Her mouth
opened to speak again, but she closed it, pressing her lips together as she
thought a moment.
"They why haven't you…" Our eyes met when she paused. I hadn't taken
mine off of hers, but her eyes darted away uncomfortably before they
flashed into mine piercing my gaze. "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" Her
tone sounded more like a plea than a question.
Swallowing thickly and inhaling, I braced myself to buy time to conjure up a
decent answer that I thought would temporarily placate her.
Not now Bella, not tonight sweetie.
I am too tired and I want to stare at your beautiful face in the moonlight just
a little longer before you know the truth and run from me.
"It's complicated," I whispered flatly, hoping she would understand that I
couldn't talk about it yet. She nodded her head with a defeated sigh, turning
to rest her chin on her knee. "I know everyone thinks it…but I can't go
around beating everyone up because they think something stupid about me."
She looked like she wanted to ask something else, and God knows I wanted
to tell her the truth, but her lips mashed into a tight line, and her head rested
back on her knee. She was tired.
We sat quietly for a long time, neither of us speaking or moving. Eventually,
her eyes made contact with mine and we stared at each other for a really
fucking long time. It was the kind of thing that should have been awkward,
but wasn't. I think we both had so much we needed to say to one another, but
were too afraid to speak what was in our hearts and minds.
We must have dozed off after that, because I woke with a start, before I
realized I was still outside in the fucking tree house. I was thirsty as hell, and
groggy. My body was warm but my hands and face were frigid. Bella had
her cheek pressed up against my shoulder. The top of her head was just
under my chin if I turned toward her. I was appalled and panicked, and
elated simultaneously.
I leaned in slightly, smelling her hair and her sleepy scent. My lips brushed
over the silken strands of her fine hair. She smelled like candy and I knew I
would have to find out what made her smell so delicious. Her breathing was
soft and steady on my arm. I debated whether I should wake her up, but I
knew we couldn't stay out here all night because we would freeze.
"B…Bella," I whispered. She didn't move, nor did her breathing falter.
"Bella sweetie, you need to wake up." Nothing. My fingers twitched again
for the second time that night. Tentatively, I brought my fingers up to her
cheek, holding them inches away for a brief minute. I brought them closer
and closer until I was touching Bella's cheekbone. She was so warm and
soft. I knew it was bad and it was wrong, but I thought that I wasn't hurting
her…only myself.
I let my fingertips rest on the apple of her cheek for a moment, testing to see
if she would wake at my touch. My hands were fucking freezing and I was
amazed that she hadn't even flinched. Obviously this girl was a heavy
sleeper. Maybe it was because she had gotten high, I didn't know. I thought
about poking her or even tossing M&M's at her, but I thought that would be
fucking mean...and wasteful.
I drew one fingertip up the slight arch of her cheekbone to her temple and
back again. I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. My eyes closed, taking
in her innocence and her beauty as her sleeping face glowed luminescent in
the moonlight peeking through the window.
I tried one more time. "Bella, wake up."
And then I tilted her chin up toward my face. I gazed at her for a few
minutes, reverently taking her in, before I brought my lips as close to her as I
could without touching her. My mouth brushed her lips minutely, before I
inhaled and pressed my lips softly into hers.
My whole body felt the stolen kiss- from the tip of my toes to the hair on the
back of my neck. I knew at that moment I was doomed and fucking stupid
for doing it. One taste and I was hers. The kiss was beautiful and sweet and I
wanted to fucking cry. Cry out of joy and out of pain and frustration and
elation. She was perfection and I could never have her.
As I pulled away, I felt the shame of tears prick my eyes and I bit my
knuckle to thwart it away. It didn't work though. I swiped the escaped tear
off my face, clearing my throat. I needed to get a goddamn grip.
"Bella…wake up." I said it much louder that time, but she only sighed.
"Bella!" She bolted up with a startled screech looking around frantically.
"It's okay. B. We fell asleep outside," I whispered. Her hand flew to her chest
while she took deep breaths to calm herself.
We walked in silence to her front door. I took her purse from her as she
yawned under the porch light while I found her keys in the depths of the
black hole that was her bag. That would be a problem if we had any sort of
future together. Once the door was opened, she leaned against the frame,
looking sleepy and a bit disheveled and so very innocent.
I said goodbye and turned to leave while she whispered, "Thank you, E…for
tonight."
I stopped and smiled, walking back a few steps to her. "Um, will I see you
tomorrow?" I asked hopeful.
She yawned, covering her mouth. "No, not tomorrow. I have to work until
four and then I'm meeting my dad for dinner in Port Angeles."
"Oh right. Snow White?" I asked, highly fucking disappointed. "Well good
luck and I guess I'll see you at school." I waved, turning to walk away. I
stopped, realizing she was still in the doorway. "Hey Bella…just so you
know … all those girls with their hair done up and their party dresses on…
and you still were the most beautiful girl there."
Her hand flew to her mouth to cover a shy smile that I could see reflected in
her eyes even at the distance I was from her. My fingertips touched my lips,
and before I knew it I held them out to her, blowing her a kiss. She giggled,
caught the empty air, but instead of putting it in her pocket she brought her
hand to her lips.
Bella didn't save my kiss.
She fucking used it.
She waved and then the door clicked shut. I sauntered home slowly, smiling
the entire way, with the guitar case weighing heavily in my arms. I knew I
would miss her changing her clothes, but I figured since I'd stolen the kiss
from her, that it was enough for tonight. In the brisk night air, I had her kiss
to keep me warm.
~%~
"Hey, whatcha got...chips?" Jasper said excitedly, plopping himself on the
couch next to me. I held out the bag, shaking it a bit, while he dug his hand
in. "What the fuck is this?" he asked as held up a handful of bright orange
and purple chips.
"Organic beet and carrot chips," I replied flatly. "They suck." I popped one
in my mouth regardless of the suckage. Nothing could get my mood down
this afternoon, not even a poor excuse for a snack. Jasper groaned, tasting a
chip before mumbling how nasty they were and dumped the rest back in the
bag. "How are my pants?"
"Same condition as you gave them to me. Makenna gave me a decent
blowjob, but I couldn't even enjoy it."
Great.
I nodded taking a drink of water, wishing it was Pepsi. "I noticed you were
all pissy last night. What was up with you?"
"Nothing…just fucking…nothing." He pouted, running his hand through his
hair.
One of my eyebrows rose. "Nothing?"
Jasper huffed, clearly not wanting to talk about it, but desperate to tell
someone something. "Fucking….Xanax. That girl pisses me off to no end."
I put another disgusting chip in my mouth. "What'd she do?"
"Well, for starters, I said hello to her and she didn't even acknowledge me.
Then she was all over Alec, dancing and grinding on him. And her tits…fuck
they are huge. And she had on these fucking underwear…" Jasper groaned,
rolling his eyes in frustration. I held back a smirk.
"Oh yeah? What about them?" I hedged.
"They were these black boy shorts, the kind where her fucking ass cheeks
were hanging out the bottom, and they had a fucking kiss on her ass. Alec
was rubbing on her, and the dress went up a little." He propped his chin in
his hand.
"And…so?"
"I don't know...it just pissed me off," he sighed.
I widened my eyes and laughed. "Oh… I get it. I think Jazzy likes Xanax."
"No."
"Yes you do…you want to kiss her, don't you?" I teased, making kissing
sounds while puckering my lips. "Kissy kissy…"
"Fuck no, stop it dick." He pushed my face away from his, highly irritated at
my mocking.
"Jazzy and Alice sitting in a tree…" I sang. He pulled me into a chokehold,
pressing noogies into the top of my head while I continued to sing, "k-i-s-s-i-
n-g…"
"Shut the fuck up!" he screamed.
"You like her, you like her…you think she's pretty…and she has a great
ass…and big titties." I taunted him like a sixth grader, and I fucking loved it.
Em came in, standing at the doorway with a glass of juice. "Who has big
titties?"
"Alice Brandon," I said, as I threw Jasper to the ground, straddling his waist
and pinning his arms underneath me. He was the same size as me, but I was
definitely stronger. Emmett made sure of that when we were kids. I was
scrawny up until high school, and Emmett made sure I knew how to defend
myself. I think that's why the thing with that kid last night bothered me so
much.
"Say it…say I love Alice…say it!"
"Fuck. You."
I hovered over him as I gargled saliva noisily in my throat, pretending that I
was going to spit on his face while he writhed underneath me. It was a
lesson taught to me by the both of them growing up, that I found quite ironic
to be using it one of them at sixteen years old. Emmett just laughed, drinking
his juice and giving me pointers.
"E, you gotta work the clam up from the throat...make it nice and thick, and
make sure you aim for his mouth!"
"Fine, fine, fine !" Jasper yelled. "I like her, I think...I don't know. Now get
the fuck off of me!" I backed off a little resting my weight on his chest. He
sat up on his elbows, and when I freed his arms fully he pushed me over into
the television cabinet, making me smack my head into the wood.
Em said, "Alice Brandon does have a huge set of knockers for such a little
girl."
"You know why?" I asked rubbing my head where the wood hit me. They
both looked at me blankly. "Because of all the hormones in the milk and the
meat. It makes their boobs grow bigger than they normally would."
"How the fuck do you know this shit?" Jasper asked, kneeling to stand.
"I do pointless research during the time I would normally be getting laid," I
said tersely.
Emmett chuckled, turning to Jasper. "You want to talk about it?"
Jasper said, "What… tits?"
"No dickhead… Alice," Em said curtly.
"What… you think because you get the girl now you're a relationship
expert? No, I definitely don't want to talk about her," Jasper said, grabbing
the bag of chips on the couch. Emmett sat on the chair adjacent to him.
"You got the girl?" I asked incredulously. "What does that mean?"
"Oh man…you missed it," Jasper said smiling, his irritation at his own
situation quickly dissipating. "Last night at the beach Rose shows up with
Jared and she and Em are in like a fucking staring showdown."
Emmett turns to me. "Yeah, so I asked her to dance with me. And she said
no, not until I put on my shirt first. But I had no fucking idea where my shirt
even was, so I told Jared to take off his shirt cause all the football players
took theirs of and he wasn't showing any sense of solidarity with his still
on." Emmett snickered at his cunning motives. "So he gives me his shirt, and
I find Rose and I'm dancing with her and I kiss her. And the kiss is long and
fucking deep and gooooood," he emphasized with a wink. "Well, Kim sees
this and she fucking flips out on me, and Jared rips his fucking shirt right of
my back…so Rose gets pissed and goes to leave saying she's done with me
and my fucking stupid bullshit."
I laughed, trying to imagine the whole thing in my head. Jasper cut in then,
smacking his hand on his knee. "And Rose looked fucking slamming last
night too." Jasper added while Emmett nodded in agreement. "So Everyone
is watching this happen, and Em jumps on top of the picnic table, gets down
on one fucking knee like some pussy whipped fucker about to propose and
yells at the top of his lungs, 'Rosalie Hale...will you be my girlfriend?'"
I looked to Em, who was nodding proudly with his eyes closed. "And she
said, 'Fuck yes.'"
I smiled. "So you and her are like…together- together now?"
Emmett nodded his head. "Taking her out to a movie tonight. In public." He
bumped my fist, and I nodded at him, smiling happily on the outside but
shaking my head on the inside. He had no fucking idea that she held the
upper hand in their relationship. He only "got the girl" because the girl
allowed it. I scoffed at the fact that I…the Cullen brother with the least
amount of relationship knowledge or experience knew more than my
playboy brothers about girls. It was highly laughable.
Jasper got up, angrily tossing the bag of chips aside. "These fucking taste
like butt. You want anything?" We both shook our heads no as he walked
out.
"So where did you go last night?" Emmett asked, as I sat back on the couch.
I smirked, the memory of the kiss still lingering on my lips. "Nowhere…just
back here. Bella had to work today."
He scowled. "Bullshit. You came in later than I did."
"Yeah we were talking and we fell asleep in the tree house." I shrugged,
tugging at my lip with my teeth. The smile was itching to come out, but I
kept it at bay for the time being.
"You're hiding something, Edward I can tell. Well, whatever. I meant what I
said last night. You deserve to be happy, bro." I just smiled, changing the
channel with the remote while thinking about my girl.
I am happy today, Em. For the first time in a long time.
~%~
I woke on Monday about as nervous and anxious as I was Saturday night. I
was on pretty much on edge all day Sunday while she was out and even
debated on calling her that night, but didn't because I was too fucking out of
sorts. In a good way, though.
It was basically out in the open, that Bella and I liked each other. I still had
no idea how I was going to get around telling her about my past, though I
had a feeling that Bella would cunningly drag the truth out of me some way
or another. I just wasn't ready to talk to her about it, and I was most certainly
not fucking ready to lose her. Then there was the issue of me not touching
her. But that was a whole other thing entirely. I tried to convince myself that
I could get used to the idea of us just being friends and getting to know each
other over the next twenty one months. I laughed in my own face at that
notion.
Fucking idiot.
During English, we shared quick glances, playful smirks and eye rolls at
each other. It was awkward, but cute. She was wearing this ridiculously short
fucking pink and gray plaid skirt with these gray over the knee socks, and a
fuzzy pink button up sweater like a little school girl. Her hair was stick-
straight and pulled back in the front, making her eyes look huge. She looked
so amazing and I felt myself not only hard when I thought about her lips on
mine, but adding that outfit to my list…sans panties, of course.
In lunch she was engrossed in a lengthy discussion of the dance and the
party recollections, and then in Bio, Banner made us take notes again all
period, so we barely spoke. He reminded us that since we had the next two
days off for the religious holiday that there would be a quiz on Thursday
when we got back.
We walked to study hall together, sitting in our secluded little nook at the
back near the reference section. We chatted about the party and what
happened between Rose and Emmett and laughed at the stupidity of them
both.
It was almost the end of the period, and I knew it was now or never. I was
sweating and shaking, rubbing small circles into my palms under the table
while under the guise of pretending to math homework. I took a deep breath
shaking off the nerves.
"Hey B…do you have plans for Wednesday?"
She looked up from her book blankly. "No, why?"
"I was wondering if you wanted to go to Port Angeles for the day. Have
lunch...see a movie maybe?" I shrugged my shoulders casually sitting back
into the seat while anxiously waiting for her reply. If I had a stroke right now
it would be no surprise to me.
"Just you and me?" she blinked.
"Um…yeah. I could ask Jasper to go if you want, or you could bring Alice
but yeah…I though just… me and you…" I shifted uncomfortably in my
seat, disappointment crashing down on me.
"No, just the two of us is fine…it's great…yeah, I would love to go." She
smiled widely, accidentally dropping her pen on the floor, and looked down
at her notebook embarrassed.
I breathed a huge sigh of relief grabbing her pen before standing and
gathering up my books. I needed a fucking cigarette to calm my nerves. I
asked her to join, but she declined, saying she wanted to finish her Spanish
homework so she didn't have to bother with it over the break. I waved
goodbye, and said a quick hello to Makenna and the Skanks as I passed their
table on my way out.
I slipped out the north exit by the gyms where the brick wall made smoking
undetected the easiest. There were a few people that I knew out there
smoking and bullshitting. I was fucking buzzing with excitement as I made
petty conversation with them while I smoked, thinking about exactly where I
should take Bella on our date. She did realize it was a date, right?
I was so relieved that she didn't want anyone else to accompany us because
that would have completely sucked and defeated the purpose of the
afternoon altogether. I spent the last two days sort of high on that illegal kiss,
even though it wasn't willingly reciprocated. And part of me felt like such a
dirty letch, watching her indecently in her window at night and now taking
kisses unknowingly from her while she slept. But another part, the selfish
hormonal part didn't fucking care. I liked this girl so much that it was
completely irrational that I felt somewhat justified in doing what I did,
though I knew without a trace of doubt it was terribly wrong. Taking her out
and showing her that I really cared about her, was my rationalization at
righting my misconduct.
I headed into gym, surprised and annoyed when the coach made us all sit on
the bleachers for the whole period as he questioned us about the sports
equipment that was discovered missing. I barely heard a word he said, as I
watched Bella overly excited and almost giddy. That was an entirely bizarre
demeanor for her during gym, but I thought maybe she was excited about me
asking her out. I could only hope that was why.
I smiled widely as she whaled the volleyball over the net and enjoyed her
girly shriek when she actually scored. She smiled and waved at me from the
court. I gave her a smirk, nodding back. She was so fucking cute.
After the coach dismissed us, I headed outside to my car where I grabbed a
cigarette and leaned against the bumper. Mike and Tyler sauntered over to
Jasper and I. I smiled even when Mike annoyingly bummed a smoke off of
me and playfully punched my arm.
"So Cullen, congrats man," Mike said, nodding in my direction with an all
knowing smirk plastered on his face.
"On what?" I asked, completely confused. Across the lot I spotted Bella
emerge from the exit doors with Angela next to her. She was practically
skipping.
"On Bella Swan. You had us worried there for a while."
"What about Bella? Mike what the fuck are you talking about?"
"You and Bella…you know…" he rolled his eyes and bumped his fists
together indicating two people having sex. "You're fucking. You had us all
convinced you were a fag." Jasper looked at me with a panicked expression I
took a deep breath and exhaled.
"Who did you hear that from?" I asked, thinking that the rumor probably
started because Bella and I were seen most of the night at the party together.
"Uh, Royce and Sam." He shrugged his shoulders.
"Why the fuck are Royce and Sam staring rumors about me?" I was fucking
pissed, glaring at Mike with my eyes narrowed. I wanted to choke those
catty rumor spreading motherfuckers and Mike for fueling the fire. Little
girls that had nothing better to do than to talk about me and my non existent
sex life.
"Sam said it's not a rumor. He heard it flat out that you and her were
fucking…" His voice trailed off at the end as my eyes narrowed even further.
Mike backed up a few steps, sensing my impending rage.
"Flat out?" I asked incredulously with gritted teeth, seething at the mess this
was going to cause and the fucking damage control I would have to deal
with because of this bullshit. "From. Fucking. Who?"
He looked like he was going to shit his pants any second. He took a drag of
his cigarette, his hand shaking slightly as he blew the smoke out above my
head.
"From Bella."
~%~

OOOH...cliffy.
Go check out my profile. There's pics of stuff ( THEY ACTUALLY
WORK NOW) including Edward's tattoo. It's a flaming baseball if you
can't tell.
The lighter is a real thing. I haven't seen them since I was in college and
that was, um…well…not recently. It leaked all over my purse essentially
making me extremely flammable. I assume that is why they no longer make
them.

Stephenie Meyer owns it.

Thank you to everyone who has rec'ed the story, read, reviewed, Pm'd
me, played on the thread etc.
I big fat puffy heart you guys!
Thank you to Becca my Kackass Spazztard beta for proofing and to
Suzy as usual who is just simply the best. Snow White was all hers.
~High Anxiety~
Chapter 12~ Heartlines
I'm desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
LifeHouse ~Hanging By A Moment
~Bella~
Violent Femmes Blister in the Sun
I typed it into the Youtube search bar and cranked up the speakers on my
laptop. I tapped my bare foot on the floor for the first tens seconds and then I
danced like a motherfucker.
When I'm out walking I strut my stuff, yeah I'm so strung out…I'm high as a
kite I just might stop to check you out…Lemme go on like a blister in the
sun…
I grabbed my pickle pen from my backpack to use as a faux microphone and
since my hair was wet and stringy from the shower, I thrashed around my
room whipping the damp strands in my own face. I was panting and sweaty
and excited. Edward blew me a kiss last night...he told me I was the prettiest
girl at the party AND he wasn't gay.
Life was fucking awesome.
I was choosing to ignore the part about the reason for him not having a
girlfriend being "complicated." Complicated? WTF? That was not what I
wanted to hear, Edward. When the song was finished and I had completely
decimated my bedroom, I closed down Youtube and stared blankly at the
Google search bar.
It taunted me…
Edward Masen…type it…E-D-W-A-R-D M-A-S-E-N…come on, Bella, you
know you want to know all about him…find out exactly what was so
complicated…
My hand shook as I typed the first three letters of his name. And then my
phone rang, which I took as a divine intervention, a sign from the big guy in
the clouds to stop searching for answers.
Mom and I chatted while I slathered on theatrical style make up, big red lips,
rosy cheeks, lots of blue eye shadow and seventeen thick coats of mascara. I
told her all about the things I had been up to and I mentioned Edward
briefly, leaving out the part where I was head over heels in love and singing
to a friggin pickle on my bed. She didn't need to know all the particulars.
Besides, I knew she spoke to Charlie, and the last thing I needed was for him
to realize that his daughter was canoodling with the next door neighbor.
Canoodling? Was I in fact, canoodling? Well whatever it was that I was or
wasn't doing, Charlie knew I was hanging out with the Cullen boys, but I
think he too, thought Edward was gay. It was a small town and people talk.
I typed in Snow White instead, just to get some background info on the chick
and her little dudes as well as a refresher on the story. I couldn't remember if
there was a mirror or a pumpkin in this one. Apparently all the pot smoking
was doing its job on my memory.
Poison apple. Magic Mirror. Wicked Witch. Prince Charming. Dwarfs. Hi ho
Hi ho and all that shit.
But I was glad I did my research because I knew ahead of time to curl and
tuck my hair up to make it look shorter avoiding having to wear the itchy,
stinky wig. I slipped a red ribbon onto my head and looked in the mirror. I
looked like a prim and proper teenage drag queen.
Remind me again why I took this job?
Oh yeah, the money. Big money. M-O-N-E-Y!
I love me some money. I can buy my boy fun lighters with my money.
Once I got to Port Angeles in record time, I changed in the little room in
back and tucked my clipboard with directions and information under my
arm. I swished to my car in the shiny acetate dress, narrowly avoiding
breaking my ankle in a huge pothole by the garage. Jake's shop was closed
on Sundays, but I would have liked to see him again, regardless.
As I drove to Sea Cliff Lane, I pondered how princesses drove their little
sports cars with these ridiculously long dresses on. Then I realized that was
the reason they rode in pumpkin carriages not little sports cars because,
seriously, how the hell was a princess expected to navigate a friggin road
with this stupid collar thing? Jeez, every time I turned my head to check for
traffic I was looking into a high, stiff white collar. Now I knew how those
poor dogs felt, when they had to wear that silly lampshade looking cone
apparatus after they got their balls chopped off.
Admittedly, I was a bit nervous when I pulled up to the house. I had no idea
what the hell I was going to do with these kids, but I was armed with treats
and songs and if none of that worked, I would bop them on the heads with
my wand so hard they would all pass out and I could make a quick escape
out the back exit. Okay, so maybe that wasn't exactly the best laid plan...
Snow White didn't have a wand.
The little girl's name was Macy and she was five. She had originally
requested Barbie but that hot bitch was already booked. Apparently, twenty
one year old man- boys enjoy Malibu Barbie as much as the younger set. So
here I was…second choice Snow White. I parked my car down the block a
few houses and walked into the back yard as instructed entering through the
side door. I was immediately greeted by the family's 120 pound fur ball who
felt the need to smell my freshly washed crotch...repeatedly. I stood there
mortified, wishing I really had a wand so I could boink him on top of the
head…and sort of wishing that Edward had the sudden ability to shape shift
into a four legged animal. I mean if he was down there already…
"Just ignore Max. He likes pretty girls." An older man, handsome in dad
kind of way politely extended his hand to me, while the other held Max, the
insatiable crotch sniffer by his collar. "Hi. I'm Frank, Macy's
grandfather...and you are?"
Remembering the number one rule, Once in public, always stay in character
because you never know where the birthday girl is, I curtsied and introduced
myself. "Thank you for coming to my aid, Kind Sir. I am Snow White.
Pleased to make your acquaintance." I smiled that big cheesy smile that
Billy reminded me to put on while I held out my hand for him to shake. Walt
Disney would be so damn proud. "I hear Macy is having a birthday today.
Might you know where she is, Kind Sir?"
Grampa Frank raised his eyebrows at me. I could practically see the porno
running through his mind. Frank was not your typical grandpa. He was
probably not that much older than my father and he was definitely swoon
worthy in a Kevin Costner /GILF kind of way. Instead of shaking my hand
he kissed it, to my discomfited horror. He leaned in close to me and
whispered, "My daughter got knocked up young."
Let's juts say that I was dumfounded. I just stared at him for a second
blankly before I whispered, "Uh… thank you," and I scurried my way
through the large kitchen to where I could hear the kids playing.
I found Macy dressed like a mini Snow White and sat her on my lap. In my
bag I had a special present for her- a magic mirror and a candied apple,
which she squealed and beamed when she spied them. So far so good.
I told the kids the story of Snow White as animated and sing -songy as I
could mange and then finished by naming all the kids after the dwarfs. The
problem arose when I realized there were 10 kids and only 7 dwarfs.
Holy Shit…what do I call these extra kids? Larry, Daryl and Daryl? No…
too 1981. Larry, Curly and Moe? No...too Stoogish. Shit…
One of the boys was older and was bossing his little sister around so he
became Bossy. His sister was crying, so she became Whiney and the last
little guy was in desperate need of a diaper change so I dubbed him Stinky.
We marched around the house singing Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work we
go...Some of the parents joined my G-rated conga line. Grandpa Frank
swiftly shoved Macy out of the way and latched onto my waist and
continued to whisper about himself in my ear. Seems Grandpa Frank was a
divorced attorney with stock in Viagra. Wonderful. A horny, rich, erectile
dysfunctional stalker with a teenage Snow White fetish. Just my luck.
He was NOT the Prince Charming I had in mind.
I took a bite of my "poisonous" apple and in a flash was into an Oscar
worthy reproduction of a fainting Snow White awaiting her Prince
Charming's rescue. With my hand backward over my forehead and swaying,
I landed on the couch with a thud. I could hear the kids yelling, "Kiss Her!
Kiss Her!" I was as still as I could be while I waited for the mayhem that
was bound to happen.
Bossy said, "I'm not kissing her," his arms crossed in a defiant huff. Doc
came over to take a peek, then Dopey. Grumpy and Sleepy hedged into the
forming circle as Bashful and Grandpa inched closer in. I opened an eye
realizing that no one was planning on kissing me, which kind of killed the
whole theatrical scene. As soon Stinky climbed up on my lap and proceeded
to hump my leg, I thought okay, close enough. I was upright before Grampa
Dwarf began mouth-to-mouth.
We cut the elaborate magic mirror shaped cake and took about a bazillion
pictures. I helped Macy pass out her treat bags, which when I realized there
were extras, I swiped one and shoved it discreetly into my bag. Then, I
ooohhed and ahhhhed at the appropriate moments as she opened her gifts.
Her mom pulled me aside, apologized for her capricious father and handed
me a check for my services telling me I was fantastic. On top of the check
was a stack of bills that I assumed were my tips. I thanked her and hugged
Macy goodbye wishing her a Happy Birthday and telling her to wish on a
star for her Prince Charming.
If it were only that easy…mine wouldn't be afraid to kiss me.
As I was leaving, Grampa Frank slipped a business card in my hand and told
me to call him if I ever needed anything. Then I noticed the fifty-dollar bill
tucked in there. The stack of tips I received from Macy's mom totaled sixty
seven dollars, and with Grampa Perv's tip on top of my cut from Billy, I had
made two hundred and seventeen dollars for one hour of work.
Apparently Snow White knew how to shake 'em down.
I drove back to Billy's beeping my horn at the kids that waved to me out of
the back seats of their parent's mini vans. My mind wondered to Edward,
thinking what he would do if I pulled up next to him at a light.
I was daydreaming about last night when he told me I was the prettiest girl
at the party and blew me my kiss. Damn, I wish I could have done
something a little less cheesy than pretending to grab the kiss and press it to
my lips. However, he seemed to have gotten the message. I watched him
walk home from my kitchen window and I could have sworn I saw him
smiling to himself. I was probably just tired and letting my imagination run
wild. Edward was certainly the sexiest most mysterious boy I had ever met
and I really, really wanted to see him in Prince Charming outfit, kiss me
awake and make all my dreams come true.
Okay, maybe not with the tights, though.
I changed back to jeans and a sweater, scrubbed the horrible make up off my
face and met my father and Maggie for dinner at a local seafood restaurant
right on the pier. Outside on the harbor, the rain had started, leaving the
water rippled in mesmerizing concentric circles. I ordered the bisque and
crab cakes and squeaked when my phone buzzed with a text from Edward.
Dad looked annoyed and Maggie smirked, knowing my reaction could only
mean that the text was from a boy.
How did it go?
Great. Made $217. No 1 puked on me.
LOL. Awesome. Missed you in the TH today.
Really? Nice 2 B missed.
C U 2morrow.*wink*
Not if I CU first *wink*
My dad cleared his throat all irritated, as I rolled my eyes, shoving the phone
back in my purse. We talked about the Homecoming party and how the
police were called, because Charlie had to remind me that he still had
connections, as if I were some hoodlum and my actions necessitated
warning. Puhleeeease.
The next day at school I was sort of floating. I was wearing my new plaid
skirt which was way too short and a fuzzy pink sweater with my cashmere
high socks that I loved. I felt like a slutty Catholic School third grader, but I
got a ton of compliments on the outfit so I figured it was a hit. Edward and I
gave each other weird looks in English, like we were little kids who just
discovered a big secret.
Then he stared at me while I was in the lunch line, and I felt so self-
conscious about it. I carefully orchestrated my every move as to not do
something ridiculous while his eyes were fixated on me. At the table, Rose
excitedly gave every single detail of Emmett's over the top display and
proudly winked telling us that holding out was the key to wrapping a man
around your finger. Apparently Alice was taking tips from Rose now too as
she had begun to completely ignore Jasper.
This should be interesting.
By seventh period, Edward and I were alone, finally able to have a
conversation. I was tremendously relieved that there was no awkwardness
between us.
When he asked me to spend the day with him in Port Angeles I almost had a
mild stroke. I mean, he was asking me on a date, right? Shit, what the hell
was I going to wear? I wondered where he would take me and if maybe, just
maybe he would attempt to hold my hand or dare I even wish…to kiss me?
He asked me to join him for a cigarette outside, and I really wanted to, but in
truth I wanted to get my homework done and I was too giddy to even speak.
Practically bouncing in my seat, I pulled out my phone to text Alice and
Rose with my stupendous news. As I was typing, I overheard a familiar
voice swoon over Edward as he passed her table.
"Oh my God, he's so fucking hot." I rolled my eyes and leaned forward to
see who it was. Makenna was giggling and fanning herself animatedly.
I knew she had a thing for him!
"Who, Cullen?" A tall kid named Sam asked with mild disgust. "He's a
fucking homo."
"So, he's a hot homo," Jessica added, slouching in her seat with her slutty leg
on the table. "Have you seen his ass? Hell-lo..." I wrinkled my nose at their
comments, the anger beginning to boil up inside of my chest. Who the fuck
did they think they were?
Royce, Sam's ugly pimple faced wingman spat, "Yeah and you know what's
been in that ass? Another guy's dick...fucking nasty." They all groaned and I
watched Lauren toss her note book across the table at Royce's curly haired
head. It looked like pubes.
"Hey, you know why Edward's hair is all messed up like that? Because his
fucking boyfriend runs his hands through it when Cullen's on his knees
sucking dick." All the girls shrieked while Sam pushed his hips forward a
few times, pretending to have sex with the air.
My ears were red and I was just about to get up and say something when
Makenna said softly, "I don't think he's gay. He hangs out with Bella Swan."
Jessica giggled, "That's cause she's his Fag Hag." They laughed hysterically
as if it was the funniest thing they ever heard.
I. Was. Pissed.
Then Lauren said, "Has anyone ever even seen him with a girl other than
Bella? I never have. And at the party Saturday...Edward was like, beating
those guys up for that exchange student kid. Maybe that kid is his boyfriend
or something."
Jessica gasped clapping her hands together, "Oooh Oooh…did you see him
with Emmett? He was like hugging him and kissing Edward's cheek and
stuff. I was right there by the keg, I saw him do it!"
"Emmett's his brother, you Tard," Sam scoffed. I rose, gathering my
belongings in my shaking hands.
"So? Aren't they like, step brothers? No blood relation, so maybe they all
fuck each other. Edward, Jasper and Emmett in a gay love triangle with
Bella watching from her convertible." Lauren had so much acid in her tone it
infuriated me. I wasn't exactly warm to her upon my arrival back in Forks,
but I had known her my whole life practically. I did nothing to deserve this
treatment, and either did any of the Cullen boys, particularly Edward.
"Well, I don't know for sure about anyone else but trust me, Jasper is not
gay," Makenna said softly.
By that point I was seething. I swung my backpack over my shoulder and
clutched my little pocketbook to my chest. My heart was beating at what felt
like a million beats a second as I skirted around the table, through the arched
entryway out of the little alcove our table was nestled in. As soon as
Makenna saw my face, her mouth hung open and she dropped her gaze to
the table, like a child caught doing something terribly naughty. I stared them
down for a minute with narrowed eyes as all of their banter quieted down
and their deflated gazes lifted to meet mine. They were all looking so
uncomfortable and guilty and they made me sick.
I no longer had control over my actions; seemingly similar to that of a
mother animal protecting her young from dangerous prey. I wanted to lunge
across the table and I would have, except that my skirt was so damn short.
"Why don't you all just shut the fuck up?" I spat venomously.
"Aww, look the Fag Hag is defending her queer boy," Sam chuckled darkly
cocking his head to the side. If I were closer, I would have hit him in the
mouth. "Hey tell me…is he the girl in his relationships or the guy?"
Through gritted teeth I sneered, "You are all a bunch of assholes, you know
that? Edward is not gay."
"Are you sleeping with him?" Lauren asked with a cocky, all knowing tone.
"Maybe." Without thinking, I said it with a little head /neck snap. "Maybe
it's my fingers that are messing up his hair while he's doing it with me. So
how about you all just shut the fuck up about shit you know nothing about
because you all sound unbelievably stupid."
They stared at me incredulously, as I held a smug little smile on my face, the
picture of calm and confident. Inside I was fucking pissing myself. I did not
do well with confrontation, and in fact, I pretty much did anything in my
power to avoid it. That is actually what led to my very first panic attack
when I had confronted Bree and Chelsea and ended up in the ER thinking I
was having a heart attack.
But here and now, someone was messing with my boy, and I wasn't having
anyone talking shit about him. Not now, not ever. I had had enough of that in
California.
The five of their faces fell, pale and silent, clearly put in their place, as I
cocked an eyebrow, turning to walk away. I had no idea where all that came
from, but apparently it was hidden somewhere inside of me waiting to rage
out. I think the Prozac did a sufficient job of keeping my mood stabilized on
a relatively even keel, and it was rare that I even raised my voice these days.
I turned on my heel, taking long strides out of the library with trembling
legs. Once I got to the nearby empty back stairwell, I collapsed against the
wall, breathing hard as I wiped the thin layer of sweat of my forehead. As I
slumped down to the floor, I realized that this time was very different from
the others. Instead of the familiar feeling of being disconnected and
overwhelmed with fear, a rush of adrenaline surged through my veins and
my skin and my entire central nervous system making me feel like I had
been woken up after a very long sleep. I was proud and triumphant and I felt
like a hero.
Practically flying down the stairs as fast as my legs would carry me, I wove
in and out of the meandering mass of bodies toward the girl's locker room.
Alice was already there standing in a very ornate blue lace bra and matching
panty set and I briefly wondered if she always wore such elaborate
undergarments to school. Plopping down on the bench beside her, I held my
face high as I spoke animatedly with my hands while spewing out the entire
scene. For most people it wouldn't have been a big deal, but for me it was a
true accomplishment that resulted in victory.
Rose and Angela came in halfway through the telling demanding a verbal
repeat in which Alice did in one long high pitched breath. I swear I heard
dogs howling in the distance. I must have transferred my exuberance
through osmosis like because she looked like she was ready to climb the
walls. Rose and Angela looked upon me with similar gleams reflecting in
their eyes- ones of sisterly pride and awe. When the four of us entered the
gym, (I flittered in like a ballerina), my eyes caught Edward's immediately
as he and all of the boys were resigned to sit on the bleachers for a lecture.
He smirked and nodded at me when I waved and it was as if Edward and I
had a secret that no one else knew. I had defended his honor, protected him
from the harsh and hateful words of his peers and came to his rescue like a
valiant knight. Okay so, maybe it should be the other way around, but at the
moment it was all semantics.
And he was taking me on a date Wednesday to top it all off.
I smiled at him widely while spiking a volley over the net with unbridled
enthusiasm and actually scoring for the first time ever in the history of my
Phys Ed career. He shot me a surprised look, and then winked at my success.
I wanted to run to him and hug him as tightly as I could.
I told them, Edward. I did it for you!
I won't let anyone hurt you, E.
I was high, flying… feeling beautiful and swirlie and free. When the bell
rang, we changed into our clothes giggly and silly and I realized that I finally
did want that cigarette from Edward. I couldn't wait to get outside to talk to
Edward and tell him what happened. I left the girls, telling Alice I would
meet her outside at my car. Angela joined me as we walked together
laughing and talking animatedly through the double exit doors.
I spotted Edward immediately, leaning against his car with a hint of gray
smoke whirling above his beautiful head. He was talking to Mike with
Jasper standing at his side. Even from the distance I was at, I could plainly
see that they both wore perplexed expressions, and Edward's mouth
suddenly twisted into what looked like an angry snarl. His eyes flickered up,
meeting mine briefly, before he focused back on Mike.
"See you tomorrow, Bella!" Angela called as Ben caught her by the waist. I
waved good bye, still smiling, as I walked closer to Edward. Something was
wrong…very wrong. Edward's eyes met mine again and narrowed into tiny
little slits as his lips parted. I could see his teeth bared as he glared at me,
scornful, malicious, and surprisingly frightening. The look stunned me
frozen to the pavement as I felt all the color drain from my face and my
heart began to beat erratically. My perma- smile was no more.
Almost as if in slow motion, like a movie playing on the Cullen's giant
television, his hands balled into fists at his sides as he pushed through the
crowd of people stalking toward me with his teeth gritted and his nostrils
flared.
I suddenly felt very, very small and very, very insignificant.
He stopped short just a few inches away from me, his proximity startling.
"What the fuck did you say to Royce and Sam?" His words cut like glass;
they were so venomous yet eerily controlled and soft spoken. He was quiet
enough that he did not make a scene- we were simply two people talking in a
high school parking lot.
My mouth opened but only a faint wheeze seeped out before I managed to
stutter. "I um…I said… my fingers were messing up your hair while you
were...doing your thing …on me." I could barely get the words out of my
mouth, knowing how awful it sounded, and how ashamed I was suddenly for
putting Edward into this situation unwillingly. It never even once occurred to
me that he would be upset about it.
"And why the fuck would you say that?" His pale green eyes were so intense
now, I couldn't bear to look into them any longer, yet I was too intimidated
to look away.
"Because they were saying that you were gay and that…"
He sharply cut me off. "What… you think because I admit to you I'm not
gay you have to right to fucking tell people we're sleeping together? What
makes you think for a fucking second that I need some girl to preserve my
reputation?"
"They called me a fag hag!" I screeched, having nothing coherent in my
brain to offer. The all too familiar dreaded feeling of impending doom
lingered on the fringe of my consciousness, waiting for the precise moment
to flood all of my senses with its angry wrath.
He nodded his head slowly with this crazy, sardonic smile across his face.
"So you were protecting your own reputation? You have no fucking idea
what you just did. Not a fucking clue what this could do to me… Fuck
Bella! You should have just kept your fucking mouth shut, goddammit."
"I'm sorry E…" I said, as my lip quivered. I felt my breathing catch and a
thick lump form in my throat as my chest grew suddenly tight as a stretched
rubber band. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…" I whispered, my body
trembling and tears pricking my eyes. Instinctively I reached out to touch his
arm.
Edward snatched his arm away, sneering, "Don't ever fucking touch me."
Then he turned away from me angrily, walking in long strides back to his
car, where he yelled for Jasper to get the fuck in.
I remained frozen in the parking lot when the panic struck hard. All I could
hear were voices swimming around me and the rhythmic sound of my heart
thumping loudly in my ears and I was suddenly profusely sweating and
clawing at the neck of my sweater because it felt like it was choking me. I
gasped for air, similar to what an asthmatic would do, only I couldn't catch
my breath as I felt so disconnected and displaced from my body. I realized
Alice was at my side, tugging on my arm to move out of the way of the cars
who were trying to get past me. I never heard the blaring horns or Alice's
pleas to get out of the street, just the harsh words spoken by the boy I was so
crazy about.
Edward pulled out of the parking spot in a flash, leaving me with a brief
glimpse of his angry face staring straight ahead while Jasper looked at me
through the passenger window with his hands up as if to say, What the fuck,
Bella?
The tears began to stream down my face as Alice dragged me to my car. My
body buckled in between the crappy little Toyota next to my Audi, while I
placed my palms on the cold metal for support as I sunk down to my knees. I
couldn't breathe...gasping, choking…trying to find my bearings. Alice was
frantic, trembling with fright as she kneeled in front of me while searching
in her bag for her phone. When I realized she was calling an ambulance, I
smacked her hand away breathing out, "Panic attack… no hospital."
She rubbed my back for what seemed like forever, as the parking lot
eventually cleared out and my bare knees were burning from the gravel
digging into my skin. My fingers and toes had gone numb, a result of the
shallow breaths I was gasping in fruitlessly trying to fill my lungs. My face
was tear stained and I felt broken, exhausted and ashamed.
I asked Alice to drive home, while I rode out the end of the attack. She asked
me repeatedly what happened and I could only manage the words, "He hates
me...he hates me." Alice called Edward a bunch of derogatory names as she
held my hand the whole way home. "Don't call him a Fucktard, Al...he didn't
do anything, I did," I said, still defending him. She had the day off work, and
asked if I wanted company, but I declined, knowing I would rather be alone
when I took my Xanax and cried myself to sleep.
I made it to the door, keys in my still trembling hand and gave a cursory
glance toward the Cullen home. Edward was on the front step, with his head
between his knees while Esme crouched down in front of him and Jasper
sort of pacing next to them. Edward looked up quickly at the same time
Jasper turned around and I stepped through the door before I could break
down again. I went straight to the kitchen cupboard where I kept my Prozac
and my Xanax prescription, spilling out a handful of pills into my palm. I
took one Xanax, replacing the rest and washed my face.
I paced the floor in front of the couch occasionally peeking out the window
towards Edward's house. When they had finally gone inside I changed into a
warm pair of sweats, and sunk into the couch waiting for the relief of the
little pill to kick in. I needed to talk to Edward, otherwise it would eat away
at me slowly until I was burning on the inside from the anguish. I had to
right this wrong I made. I had to fix this…somehow make it all better, make
Edward like me again.
When I felt comfortably numb and relatively sure that I wouldn't have a
relapse, I made my way out the back door, across the yard and tentatively
down the path to the tree house where I figured Edward would be smoking. I
was so nervous, and petrified at what his reaction would be, that I almost
turned around. But when I climbed the ladder, the tree house was empty, no
sign that anyone had been there since Edward and I were huddled in there
Saturday night. The blanket was folded neatly with the bag on M&M's
sitting on top of it, just as Edward had left it. I couldn't bear to be in there all
alone, so I climbed back down debating whether to go over to the house and
face him.
I sat on the swing in the same spot I had been when Edward told me all
about his mother and father, kicking all the little colored candies around, that
I had thrown at Edward after he sang. He trusted me with the information
about his life, his past, his truths and secrets and I betrayed him. I hurt him
and for whatever reason, inadvertently telling people that I had been
sexually intimate with him had done something terrible to him. I had no idea
what to do.
Time passed slowly, as the sky deepened in color and the chilled air dropped
down further. I was lost, and numb and I didn't care about that fact that I was
cold and very hungry or that I was depleted from the panic attack, and the
adrenaline rush and the frighteningly stark dissolution of one emotion to
another. I barely heard the leaves rustling underfoot from the direction of my
house. When I looked up, Jasper was standing a few feet away, looking very
sad.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked, walking closer to me. I nodded my head and
immediately burst into tears. Without a word, Jasper pulled me up to stand,
wrapping his arms around me so tightly. I drew in his embrace like a sponge,
desperately needing the contact and the comfort he was giving me. His hand
caressed the back of my head, running his fingers through my hair, as I
buried my face in his brown leather jacket. He smelled like cologne and boy
and he was warm, so warm. I sobbed into his chest while his hand stayed at
the back of my head.
Finally, I said on a choked whisper, "He's really mad, huh?"
Jasper said, "Yeah, he's pissed, but he's more upset too. On the way home he
had a fucking panic attack and he had to pull over so I could drive."
I pulled away from Jasper's chest wiping my hand over my eyes. "He had a
panic attack?" I asked incredulously. Jasper nodded. I knew he said Edward
had anxiety, but it never occurred to me that he had panic attacks.
"What the hell happened?" he asked. I explained word for word what was
said in the library, feeling badly about getting Makenna involved. Jasper
barely flinched when I told him what she had said about Edward to begin
with, so I assumed he really didn't care about her all that much. I told Jasper
that I did it out of genuine friendship and that I didn't want anyone spreading
vicious lies about Edward or his family. It had all come out so fast in the
library that it never even occurred to me that Edward would have a problem
with it.
Jasper held onto my arms, still trying to comfort me. "Jasper, he said I had
fucked things up so badly for him. He didn't even let me explain why I said
it. I'm so sorry, I didn't …I had no idea…what does that even mean?"
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Bella, Edward had something
really shitty happen to him back in Chicago. He was…" His hands covered
his eyes and he shook his head. "He's completely fucked up because of what
happened, okay? Everything in his life changed…and he's fucking angry and
...I don't think he should have gotten that mad at you…you didn't know. But
he's got a really bad temper and he over reacts sometimes."
"The thing in Chicago…does it have anything to do with a girl?" I asked.
When he nodded slowly, the tears came bursting out again in heaving sobs
that I couldn't find the will to control. All of the effects of heightened
emotion from the afternoon and then the sudden letdown came crashing over
me. I moved closer to Jasper longing for the comfort he was freely offering.
The Xanax sort of made me feel a little high and inhibited, which is why I
think it was so easy for me to cry in front of him.
Edward had a girlfriend. He won't touch me because of her.
Jasper whispered, "Bella, don't cry. He's not worth it."
I looked up at him in shock, fat, salty tears rolling down my cheeks. "Yes he
is. How could you say that...he's your brother?"
"I just mean…it's not your fucking fault and you shouldn't get so worked up
over his mood swings. He'll be over it tomorrow, once he sets the record
straight with whomever he fucking needs to." Jasper pulled back minutely,
touching his fingers to my face. They moved from my cheek, past my ear to
the nape of my neck and before I even knew what was happening, his lips
brushed mine. For a fraction of a second, his lips parted and met mine before
I pulled away.
"Jasper…" I ducked my head, looking down at my shoes. "Jasper, don't…I
can't."
"It's because you like him, don't you? You really fucking like him?" he
groaned, running his hands through his hair again. "Bella, Edward can't be
your boyfriend. He's …too fucked up to be what you want him to be. He's
just going to hurt you with the truth of his past and… I'm sorry. He's my
brother and I love him, but that's the reality."
I stood staring down at my hands, knowing I'd almost kissed my oldest
friend's love and the brother of the boy I would do anything for. What a
fucking mess I had made.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, Bella. You just…you reminded me so
much of Emily, I just didn't…" He bit his lip. Jasper embraced me one more
time, but my body stayed ridged against him now.
"Thank you for listening, Jasper. I'm so tired. I'll see you…whenever, kay?" I
broke free from his grasp, not meeting his gaze as I walked slowly up the
path to my house. He called after me, but I just waved without looking at
him.
I fell asleep in my clothes, curled in a ball underneath the covers, too numb
to cry, too upset to think and too frustrated to stay awake.
I woke just after noon the next day. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling for a
long time, replaying the conversation in the library, the confrontation with
Edward and Jasper's words. I talked to God a bit, hoping I could get some
solace from that. I did not.
I was so distracted and absent, that I dropped my entire bottle of Prozac
accidentally into the sink. After I showered, I drove into town, picked up the
refill prescription pills and walked around the store like a zombie. An M&M
display at the register made me cry. I was depressed and so preoccupied with
Edward that I barely remembered I'd promised my father I would make
lasagna for dinner. He was really looking forward to it, and though I had no
desire at all to cook I though it would probably distract me from everything
else.
As soon as I had returned from my trip to the grocery store, Alice came by
asking for a ride to work, but since I was in the middle of dinner I just gave
her my keys and told her to be careful with it. She was so grateful she threw
her arms around me and kissed my cheek whispering, "You know I love you
Bella and you can tell me anything. I wouldn't ever betray your trust."
I couldn't bear to even be alone with her after feeling so guilty about Jasper.
This would kill her.
I put on my favorite pink fuzzy slippers, placed my iPod in the docking
station and began to prepare the lasagna for dinner. Cooking and preparing
the meal kept me physically occupied for the most part, but not for a second
did my thoughts stray from what had transpired yesterday. The angry words
whispered from Edward's mouth, his expression, of course my horrific panic
attack that scared poor Alice…and Jasper's kiss.
Jasper fucking kissed me. Sort of.
This is bad…so bad.
Pressing my palm to my forehead, I willed the image away while thwarting
the residual feelings of his soft lips on mine- and his dejected expression
when he understood that it was Edward that I had been hoping would be the
one to kiss me.
But Edward was furious with me, apparently he was embarrassed at the idea
that I had told Sam, Royce and the Skanky girls that I'd slept with him. And
he didn't care one bit that I did it because they were spreading rumors that he
was gay even though me sleeping with him wasn't at all true.
He would prefer people think him a homosexual than have them think he
had sex with me.
Wow.
I just couldn't deal with them talking shit about him. Why I felt so protective
of him was clearly beyond me, but it was so present and nagging like I knew
he needed to be helped and I was the one to do it.
You love him, that's why you're so protective.
Since I'd opened my eyes at the first light of the morning, I had been fidgety
and on edge. Right at that moment, I really just wanted to smoke a joint to
calm my nerves. Not since the first day of school had I felt like I needed to
get high to ease my stress as opposed to wanting to get high just to have fun.
Aside from the prescription antidepressants meant to quell my anxiety, and
the occasional Xanax after a particularly aggressive panic attack, I didn't like
having to rely on anything to get me through a rough patch. I just wasn't that
kind of person. Maybe it was because I had associated smoking with
hanging out with Edward and Jasper. It really was the most looked forward
to and enjoyable part of the week when I was with them.
With him…
But obviously, that wasn't happening ever again. My days of playing in the
tree house out back with the boys were done. Edward, whom I was nuts
about wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. And Jasper…God what the
hell was I supposed to do about Jasper?
Nice going Bella...way to make a fresh start in Forks.
I sighed in frustration as I lifted the long noodles from the boiling water and
began to arrange them in neat rows along the bottom of the pan.
Intermittently, I stirred the pot of tomato sauce on the stove, occasionally
tasting it. It was damn good, but I had no appetite, though I had not eaten
since lunch the previous afternoon.
Today had been such a shit day. All afternoon long, my heart was racing for
no reason and my mind was wheeling with so many fixated thoughts I could
barely even comprehend them or control them any longer. I just kept
replaying it over and over in my head, obsessing about it as it consumed all
of my attention - particularly Jasper's words. "He's fucked up because of
what happened. Everything in his life changed and he's angry Bella…"
What the fuck did that mean anyway?
I knew what it meant. What Jasper neglected to tell me in so many words I
easily decoded. Edward been in love and had his heart broken in Chicago,
just like Jasper? It would explain so much- why he wouldn't physically touch
me, why he was so cold to me, why he made it clear yesterday that he didn't
need "some girl" to protect him…why his eyes were always so sad…
All this time I thought he had a fear of being touched. And yes, for a while I
did waver on the notion that he may be gay. But I'd never considered that he
had been in love before.
Almost an hour later, as I busied myself with cooking dinner and obsessing
over Edward, I had completely lost track of time. Just as I slid the tray into
the oven, Charlie called from Seattle saying that he was stuck on
surveillance and he wouldn't arrive home until late tomorrow night.
Great.
Well, sorry dad, but I guess I'm eating dinner without you again.
I sighed again, my heart feeling the uncomfortable yet all too familiar
squeeze of anxiety, reminding me that I hadn't yet taken my pill. I pulled the
bottle out of the pharmacy bag and tried fruitlessly to open the foil child
safety seal that encased the container. Cursing and muttering under my
breath, I grabbed a knife in the drawer attempting to cut the foil open. The
knife slipped across the bottle, searing straight through the fleshy part of my
palm like I'd meant to filet a chicken breast.
"Fucking shit!"
The blade and the partially unopened bottle dropped to the kitchen floor
noisily, as I held my burning palm to my chest. Blood began seeping out of
the slice in my hand in a tight line as I examined it, breathing deeply to
avoid throwing up and having to deal with another full fledged panic attack
while I bled to death in my own newly refinished kitchen.
With just a glance at the depth of the cut, I knew from past experience that I
would need likely stitches immediately. Frantically, I looked for my keys
when I remembered that I had loaned my car to Alice for the night knowing
that I would be occupied here with Charlie's dinner. Since he was three hours
away, calling him to help would be futile and I would have bled to death by
the time he arrived. Rose was supposed to be with her sister in Port
Angeles…
Shit…
I thought that I could go over to the Cullens, but then I would have to face
both Edward and Jasper. Fuck Fuck Fuck.
I took a quick peek at my hand again, still bleeding profusely all over my
fitted white t-shirt. Wrapping a towel around it, I resigned to do the
unthinkable. I padded down the street in my stupid fuzzy slippers to the
Cullen's house, praying that Esme or Carlisle or Emmett were home…and
Jasper and Edward were not. I knew Edward had his piano lesson on
Tuesday, but it was after six, so he would probably be home by now.
Unfortunately, Edward's BMW was parked in the driveway alongside
Jasper's Nissan 350Z.
Bite it, Bella. You're going to need a transfusion any second.
Shutting my eyes and willing away the nausea, I rapped on the door three
times with my good hand, praying silently that if anyone up there loved me,
it would be Emmett that answered. The door opened. "Hey, what's up,
Tink?"
Emmett. Praise Baby Jesus.
His tone was characteristically playful until his eyes gazed downward at my
blood soaked shirt and he turned a ghastly shade of green.
"What the hell happened? You get stabbed?" I had never heard Emmett's
voice so high before.
"I cut my hand with a knife… I think I need stitches…and I need a ride to
the ER… please," I breathed, begging with my eyes as I tried to
methodically control my breathing.
"Dad! Come quick!" he yelled, turning toward the massive curved staircase.
As Emmett's voice boomed through the house, Jasper appeared from the
den, his expression horrified and his hand stationary inside of a bag of chips.
I could see from across the room that Jasper's mouth was swollen and deeply
reddened, a slice of his lip had been bleeding. He had obviously been hit in
the mouth.
"What the hell happened to you?" Jasper asked, as he stood frozen in place. I
moved my mouth to speak, but couldn't get a word in edgewise because
Carlisle bounded across the living room and at the first sight of the blood
Esme, ever the doting caring mother, ushered me into their massive kitchen.
Carlisle pulled out two chairs from the large table, taking a seat in one as I
sat in the other. Jasper stood in silence behind my chair. I could feel him
peering over my back at the wound and hissing. It was not helping.
Carlisle pressed a clean towel into my hand applying pressure onto the
wound. He gave Esme a verbal list of items to retrieve from his office using
technical terms, as he unwrapped the towel to inspect my hand again. "It's
deep, but not severe enough to have caused nerve damage. A few stitches
will fix you up just fine. How did you do this, Bella?"
"I was trying to open a safety seal on a bottle. I was just really distracted."
Carlisle nodded as if he understood completely. Esme gave me a
sympathetic look that read, poor, poor Bella.
"Thank you so much for doing this Carlisle. Hey Jasper? What happened to
your face?" I asked quietly, not turning around.
"Aww, it's nothing. You should see the other guy," he joked, plainly
indicating that he had no intention of elaborating on the subject further. I
accepted that and dropped it, though I was more than curious to get the real
scoop out of him.
Once Esme returned armed heavily with supplies, I breathed a sigh of relief
as Carlisle took the syringe, filling it and injecting my palm with the
numbing agent. I hissed through my teeth as the needle penetrated my palm,
stinging terribly, but I sighed in relief as the numbness spread quickly,
warming the area in a painless few seconds. Carlisle mumbled an apology as
the liquid drained from the barrel of the syringe into my flesh. I turned my
face away from the procedure and cowardly hid it in the hand that was
resting on the wooden table.
Esme peered over Carlisle's shoulder and whispered, "Oh! You've cut
through your heart line." I met her gaze questioning her observation.
"Heart line? Am I going to die?" I asked nervously, thinking I severed a
main artery or something. Carlisle snorted and Esme's sweet laughter trilled
throughout the high ceilinged kitchen. I suddenly felt very stupid and
childish.
"No, sweetie, your heart line is also your love line. Here… look," she said
softly, taking my good hand gently into hers. "This is your heartline," she
traced her finger over the crease that was just under the fleshy part of my
palm. "This is your head line… communication, intelligence." She drew her
finger over the line in my palm that ran parallel with the heartline. "Your life
line is here…but it means your health and well being, not how long you will
live," she said, running her finger along the line that arced around my thumb.
"And this is your fate line…your destiny." She smiled tentatively as she
swept her pinkie up the center of my hand, tickling me.
"What…does my heartline say?" I asked hesitantly. Even though I was
scared shitless that she would say I was doomed to live a loveless live of
sorrow and abstinence, I was appreciative because it was taking my mind off
of the fact that Carlisle was threading a thick strand of string through a
needle.
Esme examined my hand, wrinkling her little button nose. Her head cocked
to the side. "Well, your heartline is fairly straight and parallel to the
headline, so that means you have a good handle on your emotions. But see
this here? It's broken in this spot…that means emotional trauma." She gave
me a small smile, releasing my hand.
"Should I be worried? What do I do?" I asked meekly, looking to her for
guidance. It seemed like everything was falling apart in one instant and I
was afraid.
Carlisle scoffed, pausing momentarily to look at me. "Bella, I wouldn't put
too much stock into that palm reading nonsense. The lines on your hands do
not determine your fate. Making smart choices and using caution with your
decisions is the best way to determine your future." Esme rolled her eyes and
pretended to smack Carlisle in the back of his head. He saw her do it, but
just smiled.
Jasper's hands, suddenly pressing gently down on my shoulders, offered an
odd comfort along with an instant relaxation sensation. As much as it was
slightly awkward because of the prior afternoon, I was grateful of his
presence regardless. While I diverted my gaze away from the stitches about
to be sewn into my flesh, in the back of my mind, hopelessly trying to fight
off the thoughts and failing miserably, I was curious as hell wondering
where Edward might be that afternoon.
Carlisle began to run the black thread through the parted halves of my skin. I
kept my eyes hidden in my fingers resting my elbow on the table while he
worked on the injured hand. I kept my heartbeat regulated and remembered
about breathing deeply- quite proud of myself that I was in control of my
reactions to the situation. Emmett excused himself from the room, still
appearing green, while Esme asked me if I wanted anything to drink, which I
politely refused.
I was doing great; I really was, mentally patting myself on the back for being
so brave, when it all fell to shit. Footsteps bounding down the stairs and
Edward's melodic voice booming through the house startled me,
simultaneously making my heart palpitate out of my chest and my blood
pump infinitely harder through my veins. I was certain Carlisle could see it
as he was sitting in such close proximity to me.
"Mom, have you seen my white thermal shirrrrr…" He stopped short in the
doorway, frozen in place with his palms pressed on either side of the arched
entryway, a pair of white socks clasped in one hand.
Holy Mary Mother of God in Heaven.
Upon hearing his voice near, I spread the fingers over my eyes, allowing me
enough space to peer out in a side ways glance. He stood, not six feet away
from me barefoot, dressed in nothing but a pair of low slung, dark fitted
jeans with the button and zipper half way open. The white band of his black
underwear was peeking out the waist band of the jeans, displaying the name
Emporio Armani. He was shirtless and his hair was disheveled and much
darker than I had ever seen it because it was damp. His face was clean
shaven as usual, but he had a circular red and purple bruise under his eye
just over his reddened swollen cheekbone. Even with his face marred like
that he took my breath away.
Six pack abs…pecs so defined they put my own pathetic tits to shame. His
chest was completely smooth and hairless, but as my eyes traveled down his
torso, I could see small patch of dark hair trailing down to the goods. The
smooth curve of his shoulders leading to his biceps, coiled tightly around
perfectly defined muscle that cut in ripples and waves all over his torso.
And so help me God, not only did he have the black tribal band around his
right bicep, but a little silver ring through his right nipple. He was so
beautiful I wanted to cry. I almost did. Did I mention he was shirtless?
I almost passed out.
At the moment Edward appeared in the door way, in my periphery I noticed
Carlisle lift his gaze momentarily from his fixed spot on my hand. He visibly
stifled a snicker, shaking his head slightly. What I didn't realize until later
was that he while steadying my hand in his, his thumb was splayed across
my wrist right over my pulse point. He was able to actually feel my pulse
rate and blood flow intensify under his thumb when I heard Edward's
voice... and observed his half naked body gleaming in the afternoon light of
his family's kitchen while I mentally molested him a hundred different ways.
It was an involuntary physiological reaction. He knew that Edward's
presence excited me.
How fucking mortifying.
"What the hell? B, are you okay?" Edward asked in almost a gasp, his voice
low and full of concern. I admit I was touched, but did nothing but nod
twice.
Carlisle looked from me and then to Edward standing in the doorway half
naked. He began working again, and said, "Edward, after you find a shirt,
maybe you would like to observe if it's okay with Bella."
Esme pointed to the laundry room, indicating the location of the shirt in
question, which I secretly hoped he would never ever find. Edward nodded,
mumbling something incoherent, before moving swiftly across the kitchen.
My eyes followed his path as he disappeared into the laundry room. He
reappeared wearing a white thermal shirt that clung to the curves and lines of
his heavenly body. I could, for the first time, actually see the distinct outline
of the ring through his nipple, and I wondered why I had never noticed it
before. It was practically a guarantee that this boy was going to give me a
stroke before we even made it to Halloween.
Good, I could go as a dead girl.
Edward crouched on his knees beside us, watching intently as Carlisle
narrated every step he took. Edward glanced at me once, a compassionate
almost pleading look in his eyes. It confused me.
"Edward is interested in becoming a doctor," Carlisle explained with a
definite air of pride in his voice.
Edward clarified flatly, "Sports medicine." His gaze broke from my hand
briefly landing on my eyes. His green eyes looked so terribly sad. I ached to
hold him in my arms and take his pain away, despite the fact that he was
angry with me.
I wondered what it was that had me so drawn to him. It was so much more
than his looks, I knew deep down. We understood each other; got one
another's ridiculous sense of humor. We shared so many common interests
like reading and writing and music. I had seen him do things,
uncharacteristically kind things for people, that just made me want to know
him more. And the pain that flickered in his eyes had me aching to hold him
closely, to do everything in my power to take the rage away. To make him
heal from whatever his broken heart needed…
Carlisle tied off the end of the thread and said, "Have you taken Percocet
before?" He pulled out a bottle from his bag of treats, spilling six of the pills
into a small baggie.
"Yes, once when I broke my arm. Um, Carlisle," I said quietly with a
grimace, "drug interactions?" He nodded, casually asking everyone to kindly
excuse us. The three of them left promptly while I let Carlisle quietly know
that I was taking Prozac. When I explained the Prozac was for anxiety and
panic attacks, he oddly smirked a bit, nodding his head.
"Do you have them often?" he asked.
Looking down at the table in unnecessary embarrassment I replied, "They
are just situational now, not really random anymore. They were really bad
for a while, the attacks are usually brought on by stress, which is why I
moved here… to relieve some of the stress, but I don't think that worked, it
just gave the stress another outlet and … I've learned to control them for the
most part. I had one yesterday," I rambled, suddenly biting my bottom lip in
effort to shut the hell up. I realized that I had almost certainly offered too
much information and he probably only wanted to know about the attacks
from a medical standpoint anyhow.
He nodded his head again. "Panic attacks are very common amongst your
age group. There's a lot of pressure on you kids." He smiled warmly when I
didn't reply, adding, "Take one every six hours until tomorrow evening at
least an hour apart from the Prozac. The soreness should go away by
tomorrow evening. I would also like to see you in a week to remove the
stitches. I suppose I should call Charlie as well."
"No, that's okay, Carlisle. I'll let him know. He's busy with a case in Seattle.
Stuff like this happens to me al the time. It's really no big deal."
Esme returned from the laundry area, back to work at the counter where she
was preparing dinner, and asked me to stay just as Edward and Jasper
reappeared in the kitchen. Esme handed me a glass of water and one of the
Percocets, which I took immediately.
I gasped, remembering the lasagna in the oven that was still cooking. "I have
dinner still in the oven and I need to get back, but thank you, anyway."
"Well, one of the boys will walk you home," Esme said with a smirk,
gesturing to her sons with a long knife. "Edward?"
"I was on my way over to her house anyway. Bella, would it be okay …if I
walked you home?" Edward asked, staring straight at me. I was confused by
the notion, but nodded with a confused eyebrow quirked, admittedly excited
and yet completely baffled as to why he had intended to come over to see
me.
"Feel better, Bella," Jasper said flatly, disappearing back into the den.
I thanked Carlisle, taking my baggie full of painkillers and waving a grateful
goodbye with my skillfully bandaged hand. Without bothering to ask Esme's
permission, Edward opened the coat closet pulling one of her short wool
coats out and draped it carefully over my shoulders, careful to not touch me.
What the hell?
"It's starting to rain again," he said softly, answering my question. I called
out to Carlisle, thanking him again as Edward ushered me out the front door.
We walked side by side down the paved road in silence, until the question
gnawed at me and I couldn't take it anymore.
"Your eye. You and Jasper were in a fight?"
He was startled when I spoke. "Um, yeah," he said flatly, looking forward,
his solemn features covered in a dewy sheen from the misty rain.
"With who?"
"Each other." He continued to look ahead as he walked, deliberately
shortening his strides to meet mine.
"You and Jasper, really? Over what…?" I hedged, knowing it was
completely none of my business, but still feeling balsy enough to inquire.
Perhaps it was my new injury that would suddenly make Edward feel
compassion and open up to me. I scoffed at the thought.
"Over a girl," he replied quietly. The corners of his mouth twitched up for a
tiny second and then it was gone. I shook my head, sucking on the inside of
my cheek in an effort to hold back impending tears.
Once we approached my front door, which I had left unlocked in my haste,
he stopped and stammered, "Bella, I wanted to come over to, um…well, I
owe you an apology for yesterday."
I spun around surprised. "You don't owe me anything, Edward. You are
entitled to feel however you feel for whatever your reasoning. And I am the
one who is sorry. I never should have said that, and I apologize if I've caused
you problems…I would never do anything to hurt you."
"No, I know you wouldn't…" he stammered. "I shouldn't have been so
fucking…harsh with you…I…need to explain something to you, if you'll let
me."
I nodded. "Well, then come inside. I need help with something, anyway," I
said, knowing that I had the lasagna in the oven and wouldn't be able to lift
the heavy pan out one handed. The house was wafting with the delicious
aroma of rich Italian smells, and I was thankful I didn't smell it burning. I
was suddenly famished.
Edward followed me inside muttering, "Wow, it smells amazing in here."
"It's lasagna. I made it for Charlie but he won't be here to eat it," I said,
placing my baggie on the counter. There were little blood droplets splattered
all over the floor and in my periphery I saw the bottle of pills next to the area
rug with a few spilled out next to the container. He saw it at the same time I
went to lean over, and as he picked it up I groaned, crushed that he would
know I was on prescription drugs.
He didn't look at the label on the bottle I suppose out of courtesy, but as he
held the pills in his palm, he looked up at me questioningly. "Prozac?" I shut
my eyes and nodded.
Sighing, I whispered, "For anxiety…panic attacks."
"Huh," he said, clearly surprised by this fact. He set the bottle on the
counter, placing the three small pills beside it. "I took Prozac before I
changed over to Zoloft because it gave me headaches. I have panic attacks
too." I knew that already, but I feigned surprise, as to not rat out Jasper. I
was, however, genuinely surprised that he took meds for it.
I handed him two potholders as I opened the oven door with my good hand.
Lifting my heavily bandaged hand in the air, I said grimacing, "Would you
mind? I'm kind of disabled."
"Um...I'd say you are definitely handicapped." Edward snickered at his own
terrible joke as he leaned into the oven, pulled the tray out and placed it on
the stove top. I snorted, amused by the fact that he got a kick out of himself.
I watched him conspicuously take a deep whiff, as I fumbled in the drawer
for a spatula. "Do you want to stay and eat with me? It's not poisoned, I
promise," I added with a smirk.
"Are you sure?" he asked skeptically, his eyebrows raised in surprise at my
invitation.
I nodded, smiling. "There's nothing organic in it."
"Then I'm definitely staying," he said excitedly, clapping his hands together.
He served the portions on two plates, setting them on the table while I
shakily poured two glasses of Coke one handed. He folded two paper
napkins into neat triangles, and arranged the silverware perfectly aside the
plates. Watching Edward being all OCD while being domesticated was sexy
as hell. All he needed was an apron and a lot less clothing.
I spooned extra sauce onto the plate, and handed him a loaf of Italian bread.
He ripped off two big chunks, placing them in our respective plates.
"Wow this is fucking awesome, Bella," he said incredulously, taking a
forkful into his mouth. Oh, how I longed to be that fork. I couldn't help but
stare at his lips while they chewed. His eyes rolled into the back of his head
a bit in completely awe of my cooking, leaving me with a tremendous sense
of pride and satisfaction. "I didn't know you could cook," he added, wiping
his mouth with his napkin.
"Oh, I can't cook that well… not really. I can make four chicken dishes and
lasagna…and easy stuff like pancakes and eggs. My mom made me take a
cooking class with her last summer and she dropped out before we got to
beef, pork or fish. So my skills are kind of limited, but I like to cook
anyhow. I'm learning."
As we enjoyed the lasagna, we chatted about school and nonsense, as if we
had been friends for years and never had the conversation we'd had the
previous day. It was weird how just a simple apology had taken most of the
tension away. I was still waiting anxiously for Edward to tell me why he was
so upset with me, but I wanted to let him enjoy the meal before I brought it
up.
"Shit, that was good. So…" he said hesitantly, placing his fork onto his
empty plate with a clinking sound. His eyes darted to mine, shifted briefly
away, and then remained intensely pale green and focused on mine. It took
my breath away for a second. "Jasper kissed you, huh?"
His question caught me off guard. "Uh….yeah sort of. It wasn't technically a
kiss, 'cause I didn't kiss him back." I shrugged my shoulders. Edward's smile
reached the corners of his eyes.
"He told me he spoke to you yesterday…about me. What exactly did he tell
you?"
"Not much truthfully. He just said that you had a relationship with a girl
Chicago. He wasn't too explicit." I answered honestly, looking up at him
through my eyelashes. I started to feel a bit tingly, assuming that the
painkillers were slowly working into my system. I probably should have
changed my bloody shirt before I ate, but I was too overwhelmed to think
about it, really.
"Do you want to know the whole story?" he asked softly, his fingers
fidgeting on the table top. It took all I had in me to not jump up and down
screaming Yes! Yes!...but I maintained my composure and said, "If you want
to tell me."
"Well Bella, I owe you an explanation for my behavior, so yeah, I need to
tell you." His eyes darted away from mine to the napkin he was playing with
in his hands. His eyes met mine again, and through his long dark lashes, I
could see his overwhelming fear and sadness swimming around in the green.
It was obvious that he was working up the courage or possibly even debating
something internally while he hesitated. But then he exhaled before he said
softly, "There was this girl, Charlotte..."
~%~

Don't hate me.

I wanted the explanation to be in Edward's point of view. I'll post soon.
And there are all sorts of teasers on the thread, so you may want to
check that out. Also, I am too lazy to go back and check if I mentioned it
before, but there's outtakes for this story as well.
Check on my profile.
Xoxoxo
Steph

Oh boy…I was overwhelmed with the reviews from last chapter. Thank
you to everyone who has read and reviewed and all that and to all my
girls on the thread. You are all insane and perverted and I big fat puffy
heart you all.
And I apologize about the update fail from chapter 12… FF. net sucks.
Anyhow, I am nervous posting this, because I don't want it to be a let
down. Most of you already know what the thing with Edward is, but I
am clarifying it here. Thank you for your patience…
Edward just wasn't ready to tell it yet.
And on another note… I was alerted to the fact that back in chapter 8
where Bella has the dream about her and E in the forest and he says
"Say it out loud… Homosexual." Well, that was used by a very popular
author previously unbeknownst to me, and apologies have been made
and I have removed the lines. So much for thinking I was being all
clever and original.
As always, thank you to my Spazztard beta Bec for her proofing skills
and to SuzyQ402, the cream to my double stuffed Oreos…this story
wouldn't be half as good or nearly as dramatic had it not been for you. I
love you big time bb. Great minds.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 13~ Apologies
Looking back at me I see that I
Never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong like a drug that gets me High
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Crossfade~ Cold
~Edward~
"Fucking girls!" I sneered, smashing my fist against the steering wheel. "I
fucking trusted her and she's the same as all those other fucking bitches!"
She was still standing motionless in the parking spot exactly where I'd left
her…frozen and looking disconnected and distant. In my periphery, I could
see her barely flinch, paralyzed and statuesque as cars veered around her
while honking. What the fuck was she thinking?
"E...what the fuck is going on?" Jasper snapped, partly confused and partly
pissed. I clenched my jaw, thinking about how I was going to fix this shit.
My mind was going a hundred fucking miles an hour, whirring with the
possibilities of what could happen. I would have to go to the principal on
Thursday morning and explain the situation, before the rumor made its way
back to her and she dragged me in to her office. I knew she watched me
closely, as required by the "powers that be," but I always kept out of trouble
and my grades were exemplary. The only time I even met with her was when
we first started school here last January, and even then she had made it
crystal clear that she would not tolerate inappropriate behavior from any of
her students. And by 'any' she meant me.
My throat tightened and I could feel my chest constrict, weighted down by a
ten ton elephant. Fuck.
"Bella asked me if I was gay Saturday night," I said, seething at the memory
of feeling completely at ease with her…trusting that she would not betray
me. "I told her I wasn't, and she said she told Sam and Royce that she was
fucking messing up my hair while I was doing it with her? What the fuck is
that?" I shook my head in complete disbelief as I focused on the erratic
rhythm of my breathing that was suddenly in the forefront of my mind. I
fucking trusted her. I trusted Bella with all sorts of personal shit that I
thought she would keep to herself. I was fucking furious that she would do
this.
I must have driven a mile or so before I realized that I didn't even use one
turn signal or stop at any traffic signs. Everything seemed to be in slow
motion. My skin grew clammy and I felt impossibly nauseous. In my chest,
my heart was racing and I felt suddenly isolated from the world in an eerie,
surreal way. I knew it was coming.
"Yo, Edward, dude…I realize you are pissed, but you might want to obey
traffic laws at some point, okay? Just saying…you don't need Forks finest
crawling up your ass too." Jasper leered at me while I paid no attention to
him. "So that's what she said? Why?"
"I don't fucking know, Jazz, she said they called her a fag hag or some shit.
She was trying to defend herself from being associated with a homo, I guess.
Fucking bullshit." I gripped the wheel with one hand and the other
unconsciously pulled at the front of my hair. I learned that when I felt pain
during a panic attack, I could focus on that rather than counting every
fucking breath as I tried to fill my lungs with air. Hair pulling hurt like a
motherfucker usually, but today it wasn't working. There wasn't enough
physical pain I could place on myself to take away the hurt.
"Jesus fucking Christ…Edward pull the fuck over!" Jasper yelled, grabbing
the Jesus strap above his head. I pulled the car to the side of the road,
flinging the door open and stepping out onto the side of the highway not
paying any attention to on coming traffic. Once outside I gasped for air,
struggling to find an adequately full breath that would fill my lungs. It was
as if no matter how hard I tried or how big of a breath I took, my lungs never
felt filled to capacity. Fuck, I needed to stop smoking.
I leaned forward, placing my hands on the roof of my car to brace myself,
while cars blurred past mere feet away from me. I shivered in the realization
that I could get hit standing like this, but I didn't fucking care at the moment.
I just wanted air. Jasper got out of the passenger side, walking around to me,
placing his hand in between my shoulder blades.
"Edward what can I do?" he said, his voice concerned and panicked. Jasper
hated this. He had only been around a few times to witness my anxiety
attacks, but this kind of stuff scared him, so he never dealt with them well. I
don't think he liked seeing me not in control and I could tell now, he was
afraid.
"Give me a minute…" I gasped. He kept his hand on my back, which felt
oddly soothing. He had seen my mother do this I guess, which was why he
was imitating her. It was a good ten minutes on the side of the highway,
before I got myself together enough to get back in the car. Jasper drove the
rest of the way home, jumping out barely before he had the car thrown in
park. I got out, stumbling to the front step, where I put my head down in
between my legs, continuing to take deep breaths from my nose as the
doctors all instructed. Something about letting too much oxygen in and not
enough carbon dioxide out made the fingers and toes numb. That was one of
the most frightening parts of anxiety attacks. All of the reactions were the
same symptoms as a heat attack. It was fucked up, really.
My mother came running out with a pill and a glass of water, which I knew
was a Valium. She crouched in front of me, placing the pill in my hand as
she brought the water to my lips. I was so fucking thirsty. I drank the entire
glass of water, confused and agitated, just wanting to feel better.
"Jasper, what happened?" she asked, as if I were not even there.
"He got in a fight with Bella," Jasper answered. "Long story." I was grateful
that for once, his big fucking mouth didn't go off telling her everything
because I didn't feel like dealing with it anymore.
The sound of a car pulling on pavement caught my attention. I looked up to
see Bella and Alice getting out of Bella's car in her driveway. Alice had been
driving. The two girls embraced affectionately, and then Bella gave us a
quick glance before slipping inside. I couldn't see her expression, but from
the way she looked down and scooted into the house, I got the impression
that she was upset.
Good, I hope she feels like shit.
I felt betrayed, dishonored…abandoned, by the one person I had put my trust
into in a very long time. The girl that I thought I was possibly falling in love
with. In the back of my mind I wondered if I was being too harsh on her,
because she didn't know that saying I was engaging in sexual activities with
her was incriminating for me. But still, why the hell would she volunteer
that information?
My mom sat next to me, rubbing my back while Jasper disappeared inside.
The effects of the Valium hit me hard and soon I was nodding my head…the
panic subsided, my breathing was back to normal, and my body was aching
for sleep. I didn't remember making it up the stairs.
I woke up later, fucking starving, feeling severely emotionally drained and
still a little disconnected. After I ate some halfway decent chicken and
potatoes, my mother rubbed my shoulders asking if I wanted to talk about it.
I told her no, and then she said that Jasper wanted to talk to me and that he
was in the den. I found him sitting on the couch chewing his nails absently,
with the television on mute.
"Hey."
He looked up at me with an expression I hadn't seen since I rode his bike
into the neighbor's tree when I was seven. "Bro, you have a set of balls the
size of Chicago bitching to mom about how I treat girls and how I make
them cry, you know that?" I quirked an eyebrow, confused. Well, maybe not
so much confused as much as feeling trapped.
"Yeah, she had a nice little talk with me the other day, thanks for that. I
wasn't planning on saying anything to you because you're so fucking
sensitive about that shit, so I figured I'd let it slide, but you are such a
hypocrite."
"Jasper what the fuck are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about Bella. She was at the tree house, fucking bawling to me
about how sorry she was and how you didn't let her even explain what
happened."
"She was crying?"
"No, dude… sobbing. She's a fucking mess, thinking that you hate her and
all she was doing was defending you and me and Em from those assholes
talking shit about us. She was being fucking loyal and you made her feel like
a piece of shit."
"What?" I asked meekly, not really understanding what he was saying
because I was so focused on the heartbreaking thought of Bella in tears. "Is
she okay?"
"I don't know, but I think you need to fucking talk to her. I told her that…
you were fucked up… because of a girl in Chicago and she cried even more
so I fucking held her until she stopped crying and then…"
"Then, what Jasper?"
He shook his head. "Nothing. She likes you a hell of a lot, and she's fucking
crushed," he scowled. "Such a goddamn waste." He said the last part under
his breath, not meaning for me to hear it.
"What's a waste?" I asked, acid in my tone as I narrowed my eyes at him. I
knew what he was alluding to and I didn't fucking like it.
He looked up at me narrowing his eyes right back. "You…and Bella. She's a
good fucking girl and she's wasting her time with you."
"Fuck you, Jasper."
"No, fuck you, Edward," he said rising off the couch. His fists flexed at his
side, practically mimicking my own.
"What are you going to do, hit me? Go ahead. I know you want to…I know
you've been fucking itching to do it since Emily broke it off with you. Do it
already…just fucking do it!" I screamed at him. His whole body was tense;
preparing himself to lunge at me, though I had no idea what was holding
him back. This was about so much more than Bella. This was about Emily.
All the repressed anger he had for the situation with Emily was finally
coming to a head because of Bella being emotional in his presence.
"I should beat the piss out of you right now," he seethed, before cocking his
head to the side. I knew Jasper had it in him to be a douche. He went through
a lot when it all went down in Chicago, and no one really acknowledged it
because all the focus was on me at the time. He never talked about his
feelings for Emily, so everyone just assumed he was over it. But then, he
opened his mouth, and what came out made me realize that he was still
fucking immensely bitter and angry and waiting for me to throw the first
punch.
"Oh, and just so know…I kissed her, because… you …fucking…can't." The
smile that came slowly creeping across his face made me fucking sick. He
knew I had a temper that I had a hard time controlling. He was deliberately
egging me on so that I would hurl my fist first, alleviating him from any of
the blame or the repercussions. My father's words rung in my ears…"Don't
start it Edward, but you better finish it." He had taught all us boys the same
thing. Therefore, I knew what Jazz was thinking. Well, truth be told, I had
full intentions of being the one to start it and finish it.
"You vindictive motherfucker, " I sneered as my fist made contact with his
mouth and before I knew it we were on the floor, having flipped backward
over the couch, landing into the coffee table which buckled under our
weight. Jasper's drink went flying and I heard the crash of the glass
breaking. Mom's magazines were scattered all over the floor. The batteries
from the television remote were bouncing on the carpet. "You are nothing
but a back-stabbing Benedict fucking Arnold. You act all concerned about
me and shit when all you are trying to do is get in my girl's pants," I
screamed at him.
"Your girl? YOUR girl?" You have got to be fucking kidding me!" Jasper
screamed incredulously as he clipped my cheekbone with his knuckles,
sending me back onto my ass. Jasper fell to his knees and we scuttled on the
carpet. I felt the sting of rug burn on my elbow just before I reached and
grabbed his right arm, flipping him over pinning him down.
"I'm not fucking kidding you, Asshole. Stay away from Bella. She's mine."
With his free arm, Jasper whaled into my stomach and as I doubled over, he
hit me again on the right side of my face just a little lower, right under my
eye. The throbbing began immediately, pulsing and aching over my
cheekbone.
"She'll never be yours. You'll never have her. She's not going to wait around
for you forever, dick." I had so little energy from the residual effects of the
Valium still coursing through my system that he had a huge advantage over
me. However, the words from his mouth gave me that last burst of energy I
needed. I pushed him across the floor with my legs, sending him veering
into the wooded entertainment center. CD's came crashing forward off the
shelves. Game controllers were flying out of the cabinet doors below. I
wanted to fucking kill him. How the fuck did he know what Bella would do
or not do? Like he fucking even knew her at all.
He lunged again, but Emmett grabbed him and lifted him off the floor...his
legs still kicking towards me. Mom was standing dangerously between us
with her arms stretched outward screaming, "Stop it! Stop it right now!"
I brought my hand to my eye, feeling for the warm spot of blood that was
trickling down my cheek. I was breathing hard as I got up off the floor and
brushed past the three of them. I turned to Jasper. "Emily was too good for
you and so is Alice, you dickhead. She deserves much better. In fact I would
rather see her alone than with you. I wonder what she's going to think
knowing that you assaulted her best friend. I may have to have a little
conversation with Miss Brandon.
I could hear Jasper yelling, "You fucking prick!" behind me, as I made my
way to the kitchen. I ignored Emmett's yelling at him to stop, and then
eventually I heard the slam of the front door and the screech of Jasper's car
pulling out of the driveway. Opening the freezer, I pulled out a bag of frozen
vegetables and placed it to my face just as my mother and Emmett turned
into the room. Em looked confused since he had just walked into this mess
from football practice and my mom, well, she just looked broken.
"Let me look," mom said, pulling the bag away from my eye with a hiss. She
touched the skin, making me flinch and mumbled an apology, before sitting
down at the center island with Emmett. "It's not too bad, baby. Jasper's
mouth looked a lot worse than your face. You two should be ashamed for
fighting like that. What's this about?" I looked down, feeling badly that I had
disappointed my mom. But whatever, Jasper asked for it.
He kissed Bella.
He fucking kissed Bella.
Because he fucking could.
"Bro, what the fuck is going on with you? Does this have to do with the shit
I heard at practice about you and Bella?" Emmett asked.
Wonderful.
It didn't take long for the rumor wagon to pull into town. I slumped back in
my high backed bar stool with a sigh, running my hand over my forehead. "I
fucked up, and Jasper kissed Bella," I said flatly, as I threw my hands up in
defeat. They both looked at me with wide eyes, surprised to hear the news.
"Wait he kissed her? Edward…" mom said almost panicked looking at
Emmett and then back to me. I gave them the abridged version of the events
of the day, shaking my head at the end, realizing that a conversation with
Bella was entirely necessary.
"I totally overreacted to what Bella had said. But at the time, I didn't
understand the full extent of it and I wish I just would have let her explain it
to me. I didn't even let her say a word, Mom. I just towered over her and
fucking glared at her. When I think about it now...she looked so hurt and
scared. The thought of her being alone and upset…I mean, Jasper said she
was sobbing to him. Fucking sobbing…God, what did I do?" I groaned,
flinching as the bag of icy plastic encountered my face again under my
mother's hand.
"Dude, you need to talk to Bella," Emmett said simply, as if it was so
fucking easy. "Straighten this shit out before it's too late."
I looked up at him, pleading with my eyes. "I know, I know, but what the
hell do I say? How can I avoid telling her about the legal shit and still
explain why I freaked out so badly?"
Mom said, reaching across the table as she placed her hand over mine.
"Sweetie, I don't think you can. And maybe you shouldn't. Maybe it's time
that you are honest with her."
"Mom, no fucking way, she'll…"
"How do you know what she'll do?" She abruptly cut me off, pulling her
hand away from my face. "I've seen the way that girl looks at you. She is so
head over heels for you that I am just about positive that she will accept you
for who you are. You assumed this afternoon and look where it got you.
Don't put words in her mouth or thoughts in her head, Edward. She's a smart
girl...very capable of making her own choices. She chose to defend you
today. She chose to stand up to those kids. Let her choose what kind of
relationship she wants with you. You owe her that."
I sat straight up in my chair, tossing the bag on the black granite. "What if
she doesn't believe me? What if she wants nothing to do with me?"
"Then she wasn't meant for you, Bro. Think about it. If she can't trust you,
then why the hell would you want to be with her anyway? If she decides that
she's afraid or whatever, then you just gotta make sure she keeps it between
you and her. The last thing you need is for her to tell her girls. E...you have
to believe me on this. I'm no expert but I'm not as stupid in the relationship
business as people think I am. I knew what Rose was doing. I knew she was
trying to get me jealous and it worked. I played right into her game. There is
no game with Tink, man. She's straight up. She wasn't trying to screw you
over; she was trying to help you in the only way she knew how. Bella had no
idea what she was getting her self into. She jumped in feet first to defend
you. That has to count for something."
"Of course it counts, Em. I just…I don't know…" I said, completely
skeptical, though I knew Emmett was right about the trust thing. I would
love to have her know all about what happened and not have to hide or lie
about why I flinch away from her every time she tried to touch me, but at the
same time, I was petrified that she wouldn't believe my innocence and would
want nothing to do with me.
"Listen, this is going to be hard Sweetie, no matter what you decide to do.
But you should be honest with her. You have to be. I don't think you have a
choice anymore. If you want, we'll be here when you tell her, to back you
up, show that we believe you."
Yeah, wonderful...an audience to watch the fucking train wreck that is my
life...step right up…get your tickets here...Cullen the freak is going to tell the
girl of his dreams why he cant touch her...
I sighed, blowing out a huge gust of air. "Jasper was fucking right, that prick.
I can't be her boyfriend. There is no fucking way I can tell her I like her and
then ask her to wait until she's eighteen before I can even hold her hand. Not
a girl like Bella. She's fucking beautiful and smart and everything a guy
could want. Why the fuck would she want to wait around for me? Mom, I
can't handle watching her with someone else. Just knowing that Jasper
fucking had his mouth on hers… shit this is going to kill me. Just fucking
shoot me now, get it over with, put me out of my misery."
Em's mouth flew open. "Jesus Christ E…stop being so goddamn dramatic.
Just talk to her. Tell her. She'll listen. I know she will."
"Edward, if Bella truly cares for you then she will accept that she can only
be friends for a while. Who knows? Maybe by the time this is all said and
done, you'll only want to be friends. Maybe she's not as great as you're
making her out to be. What if you don't even get along that well…"
I rolled my eyes indicating that was never going to happen. My mother
scowled, grumbling, "Okay, okay…"
"E, just tell her. Bella is a sweetheart. If she can't handle just being your
friend for the next two years, then you don't hang with her anymore until
then. If she likes you enough then she'll deal with all your crap. And dude,
you have a lot of crap. Maybe you just have to take it slow...go day by day.
Emmett cocked his head to the side. He was a good brother, I had to give
him that.
I groaned again, not finding a solution I was at all amiable with. "Emmett is
right. Maybe you shouldn't put a time limit on it, you know? Just see how
things progress. But in the meantime, you can build a solid relationship,
strong, wonderful friendship without sex getting in the way. Sex complicates
things. I know that's not what you want to hear that but it's true. This can be
just you and Bella."
"Yeah, great…thanks guys," I said sarcastically, feeling as if nothing had
been accomplished. "I'm gonna go for a swim, I think." I stood, threw the
bag back in the freezer and walked across the kitchen.
"Edward, did you listen to anything we said?" my mother asked, turning
around in her seat.
"Yeah, I heard you, but I didn't like any of your suggestions," I replied,
disappearing up the back stairs to my room. I heard her yell something about
owing her a new coffee table...
I checked out the bitch of a shiner in the bathroom mirror. Yeah, that was
definitely going to leave a mark. I changed into my board shorts and headed
down to the pool. Though I tried, I couldn't help but think about the last time
I was in there. Bella was with me and I would give anything to have her here
now.
However, by the time I got there, I was so fucking mentally drained that I
didn't feel like doing shit anymore, particularly anything physical. I also
knew the chlorine would sting like a bitch on my cut up elbow and the gash
on my on my cheekbone that Jasper had better pray to God didn't leave a
scar, or I would be forced to rip his fucking limbs off. Maybe we could sell
tickets for that shit too.
I turned on the jets to the hot tub, grabbing a beer from the mini kitchen, and
eased myself into the steaming water. After I opened the bottle, I guzzled
half the contents before I laid my head back on the rim of the hot tub, feeling
the sting on my arm and trying to ignore it. I knew that no matter what I
decided to do, I had to talk to Bella. If I apologized, and didn't elaborate,
then we could go on for a little longer just as we were. Is that what I wanted?
Is that what she would want?
I wasn't stupid enough to realize that the attraction between us was growing
rapidly and uncontrollably and that Bella, inquisitive by nature, would start
to ask questions eventually. She probably had all sorts of theories gathered
by this point anyway. I mean, she did ask if I was gay, so she could check
that off her list, and she knew I didn't like to touch her. I can't even imagine
what she thought that was about. The girl probably thought I was a freak of
nature anyway. That aside, what about this kiss shit with Jasper? Did she
want to kiss him? Did she kiss kiss him? Fuck.
It wasn't so much that she kissed him, it was the thought of me not being
able to do it that bothered me. I sat irritated as I entertained the notion that I
had the option of backing out….walking away from her so neither of us
would get hurt. But I knew it was a lie. She was a part of me now, and I
could no sooner walk away from her than I could change my obsessive
habits. This was going to be difficult no matter what, and no one would win
here.
~%~
I woke the next morning well after noon feeling like absolute shit. My face
was throbbing and my entire body ached with the lingering stress and
anxiety, along with the haziness that the Valium left. I had slept like shit,
thrashing and waking covered in sweat in a panic over nightmares of Bella
alone in the woods by the tree house, crying… over me. I couldn't allow that
to happen ever again, and even if I did nothing else I would vow that my girl
never shed another tear because of me. I lay in my bed for a while, staring at
the ceiling, just wondering what the fuck I was going to do. Nausea hit me
sudden and hard, and I sat up bolting to the bathroom to puke. I had to tell
her.
While I showered, I rehearsed what I was going to say, reciting the story
with the most detail. I tried to carefully word the parts I knew she might be
upset over…the parts about the sex. I had no clue as to what Bella's own sex
life entailed, but I didn't think she would want sordid details of mine, and I
would try not to volunteer that information unless she outright asked.
After I dried off, I called Dr. Kate's office to reschedule the session. She was
happy to oblige, though I think I could sense disappointment in her tone
considering I had opened up for her so much last time. Knowing what was
likely about to occur today, I would have tons of new goodies for her to
salivate over on Friday afternoon at the new sitting.
Then I sat on my bed naked for about an hour.
I threw on boxers. I vacuumed, dusted, ironed jeans, changed my sheets,
smoked three cigarettes, took a whiff inside Box -O- Bella, freaked myself
the fuck out over it, and sat back on the bed again. I was fucking starving,
but I didn't want to have confrontation with anyone today. I just wanted to
make it through the day without fighting with anyone over Bella or anything
else. The house was quiet, and for that, I was thankful. A quick glance out
the front window showed Bella's car was gone, which I was admittedly
grateful for. I wasn't ready.
After I ate, I showered again, feeling dirty from cleaning, silently chiding
myself for being such a pussy and a procrastinator. As I was dressing, I
heard voices downstairs, the house obviously filled with the reappearance of
my family. I dressed in my dark Rock and Republic jeans and stood in my
closet staring blankly looking for a shirt. Bella was going to listen to me
divulge my truths and my secrets and practically my fucking soul to her
today. I wanted to make damn sure I looked good while doing it, and I knew
it could very well be that last time I would talk to her so I at least wanted to
leave her with a lasting image of myself.
My new white thermal was MIA, and I remembered washing it to soften it
up because it was scratchy. The shirt had to be on before the hair was styled,
otherwise it would be trashed when I slipped the shirt on. With socks in my
hand, I bounded down the stairs, calling out to my mom for the whereabouts
of said thermal shirt when there to my utter fucking surprise…in my
kitchen… was Bella.
Facing my father in a chair as he held her hand.
Jasper behind her, massaging her fucking shoulders.
And Bella's tight white shirt soaked in crimson.
Blood.
I found myself suddenly stunned and appalled at the sight of my girl
bleeding and everyone around her taking care of her but me. A brief flicker
of jealously ran through me as I intentionally looked away from Jasper
touching her. I wondered if she liked it…liked his hands on her. My father
gave me a cursory glance and scowled when he saw my state of undress. I
hadn't yet zipped up my jeans and I was standing there frozen in the
doorway gaping at her dumbly, before I realized that she was peeking out at
me through her little fingers. She could see my ink and the piercing…and
my goddamn brand of underwear for that matter. It was too late to hide it, so
at my fathers' suggestion I found the shirt and crouched to observe him stitch
up Bella's hand.
Her hand was so close to my face, I could smell the faint scent of her
perfume on her wrist. I tried to focus on what dad was narrating as he closed
up the wound, but in truth I was too shaken to pay full attention to any other
detail but the ones from Bella. She looked really tired, like she didn't sleep
well. She had on gray yoga pants and a long fitted white cotton shirt with
pink fuzzy slippers that looked like they had been worn a lot. She looked so
soft…and vulnerable and very sad. I knew that sad was my doing.
After dad bandaged her up, gave her instructions to not get it wet, my
mother asked me to walk her home. Jasper didn't even bother to offer, the
douche. He kisses her and then won't even walk the girl home? Nice guy.
I helped Bella remove the tray of lasagna as my mouth watered at the smell.
When she invited me to stay, I hesitated only because I knew it would force
me to settle in and talk. I wanted to get over with and purge myself of the
secrets, but at the same time, I wanted to run and fucking hide away until
2010.
From the corner of my eye, I saw a bottle and pills spilled on her floor,
amongst the little blood droplets painted on her gray tile. I knelt to pick the
pills up, noticing immediately what they were without even looking at the
bottle. I felt like I was prying, but Bella told me they were for anxiety and
that she had panic attacks. Apparently she had secrets as well.
I sat at her kitchen table, serving lasagna, which was so fucking amazing I
almost asked her if I could bring home the rest of the tray. We talked as we
had always done, easy and comfortable while we stuffed ourselves, and then
I placed my fork down, feeling adequately filled. It had been really nice. I
mean, I had never actually sat down with a girl by myself and ate dinner
with her, so it was sort of a trial run for a date.
"Shit, that was good. So…" I said hesitantly, as my eyes looked quickly to
hers, while I mustered up the balls to begin this. Looking back at her again,
staring away from her blood-spattered shirt, I said softly, "Jasper kissed you,
huh?"
From her expression, I think my question wasn't one that she expected.
"Uh….yeah sort of. It wasn't technically a kiss, 'cause I didn't kiss him
back." She shrugged her shoulders, completely indifferent about the kiss. I
fucking smiled ear to ear, knowing that she didn't kiss him back. That
fucking prick.
"He told me he spoke to you yesterday…about me. What exactly did he tell
you?"
"Not much truthfully. He just said that you had a relationship with a girl
Chicago. He wasn't too explicit." Her eyes looked a little glassy, and I
thought that maybe the pain killers were starting to move through her
system. For a minute I thought that I could withdraw, using the excuse that
she would be too fucked up to fully comprehend, but on the other hand,
maybe a little numbness would help ease the situation.
Here goes.
"Do you want to know the whole story?" I asked as my heart began racing
and my fingers fidgeted nervously on the table.
Please say no. Please just tell me to go the fuck home.
Bella replied indifferently, "If you want to tell me." I was a little taken back
by her nonchalance, and if I had to be blatantly honest, a little irritated.
Maybe she didn't even fucking care. Maybe I had made too big of a deal
about this because it was possible that she didn't want to know about my
past. But regardless, I couldn't make her understand my actions and words
without telling her everything in its entirety. I would just have to have faith.
"Well Bella, I owe you an explanation for my behavior, so yeah, I need to
tell you." I crushed the clean napkin between my fingers, buying time and
steeling myself for her reaction. This would not be easy by any means and I
would just have to deal, with whatever outcome resulted, like a man.
Inhaling slowly, I released the breath and sighed, cringing inwardly, but
oddly proud of myself for actually doing it. "There was this girl, Charlotte..."
I panicked as her eyes widened, taking in that very name. "Charlotte," she
whispered almost inaudibly. I looked straight at her, gauging her reaction to
the name. It was only a fucking name, but it was so hard for me to even say
aloud. So I stalled. "Uh…how does your hand feel?"
She narrowed her eyes at me just a little, catching on to me. "Fine. It's still
throbbing but the Percocets just kicked in, so I'm good. Continue," she
practically demanded with a wave of her hand.
Ah, so I did have her attention after all.
"Um…so, Charlotte and I were good friends. We had known each other
since like, fifth grade I think, and she hung out with Jasper's girl, Emily and
all of their friends, so all of us were one big group, you know? Well,
Charlotte and I were sort of close, I guess, but it was weird cause I found out
she had a crush on me and then I felt a little strange around her, even though
she had this douchebag boyfriend, Peter. He fucking hated me and I thought
it was because I made it to the starting roster over him but I figured out it
was because he was aware that Charlotte liked me." I shook my head at the
mention of that fucker, pausing the movement on my napkin to make eye
contact with her. Bella was staring straight at me, fully attentive, so I kept
going.
"I played on the Varsity baseball team…pitcher. Well we were at the
championships, and we had won…and…"
Bella's perfectly arched eyebrows furrowed. "Wait…you were on Varsity
baseball? How old were you?"
"Um, well I made the team as a freshman when I was fourteen …" she
looked at me incredulously, because a freshman on a varsity team was
unheard of in most schools. "Yeah, I was fucking good," I clarified simply.
She nodded. "But this all happened just after I turned fifteen. Last August.
Well, we won the championships and we had all gone out afterward and
gotten our piercings." I rolled my eyes, brushing my hand over the right side
of my chest, as if she hadn't seen enough of me to not understand what
goddamn piercing I meant. "Getting my nipple fucking pierced was such a
stupid thing to do, but at the time it was cool, I guess. It was a team thing…
unity or whatever. The coaches wouldn't allow anyone to wear jewelry, so
we got something that was hidden that no one could ask us to remove." Bella
nodded, smiling. I was guessing she liked it.
"Anyway, the day after, I went with my father Jasper, and Emmett back to
the same place to get my tat. I had wanted one the whole season, but I
waited until we were finished because I didn't want my arm to be sore for
the games. We all ended up getting one and my mother was so fucking
pissed at Dad, she didn't speak to him or us for like a week." I chuckled,
remembering how she yelled at how irresponsible it was to have allowed
fifteen and sixteen year olds to permanently mark their bodies up. I think he
just wanted to be there to supervise when we did it, because he knew damn
well I would have gotten the tattoo if I wanted to without anyone's fucking
permission or blessing. "That night the team was celebrating at the first
baseman's house. I had taken a painkiller because of the piercing and the
tat...so fucking stupid getting them a day apart, I don't know what the hell I
was thinking. The guys got me really drunk, and I had gone upstairs to one
of the bedrooms to lie down cause I thought I was going be sick." I took
another deep breath wiping my damp palms on my jeans before placing
them back on the table. I laced my fingers together, stilling them from
nervous movement.
"I was so fucking wasted between the booze and the painkiller that I could
barely pull my head off the pillow. I was asleep or like, almost unconscious,
when I felt…" I looked up at Bella who was absolutely mesmerized by my
words. I didn't know how she would handle the next part so I just shook my
head and said it, looking down at my hands. "She…Charlotte always wore
this strawberry perfume or shampoo or something. Fucking nasty shit. I still
get nauseous when I smell artificial strawberries. But I knew it was her
immediately by the way she smelled. She was next to me and kissing and
whispering things to me that I didn't know how to even respond to. I
remember she kept saying, "Eddie, take the pain away, make me feel better,
please." My eyes met Bella's for a second, and I watched as her mouth
parted a little, and her eyes looked surprised or something.
"She just kept saying these fucked up things as she…" I stopped, refusing to
utter the details aloud. The girl had her mouth all over me and she felt so
fucking good at that moment. I truly didn't want to have sex with her
because I knew it would fuck things up for everyone, and that she would
regret it in the morning. But I was so fucking far gone that I couldn't say no
when I should have.
"After my pants were off…she did what she did and I barely fucking moved
I was so wrecked. But she was…I don't even know how to put this…she was
kind of…aggressive? I had fingernail marks on my shoulders and a huge
hickey on my neck. I honestly don't remember too much of the night after
that. I know she left and I woke up the next afternoon and walked home." It
made me sick rehashing the details, putting myself back in that bedroom at
that horrible night. Bella was absently chewing on her fingernails. I was
trying to read her expression, but she was masking it well.
Here goes Cullen. Lay it on the table.
I chewed my cheek for a minute, knowing this was it. "Later that day…the
police were at my house saying that she had accused me of rape."
Bella's mouth just hung open wide as she gaped at me in sheer disbelief. I
quickly explained, "Bella, I didn't rape her, I swear. I was pretty fucked up,
and I don't know every single detail from that night but I do know that there
was in no way a struggle from her. She initiated it and she finished it." I
sounded pathetically desperate but I needed her to trust that I didn't hurt
Charlotte in any way.
"I believe you," she said quietly, looking directly into my eyes.
"You do?" I asked incredulously, my eyebrows raised in questionable doubt.
"Yes, of course I do," she responded firmly. I was fucking stunned at her
absolute definitive response. She believed me, no doubt. "So what
happened?" She leaned forward eager to hear the rest.
For a minute while still shocked, I gathered my thoughts together, my
fingers back to fidgeting on the table. "Well, at the police station, she was
there with her parents and that cocksucker, Peter. Bella, she was fucking…
bruised up and battered. Her face…" I shook my head remembering how
Charlotte looked, similar to the way I did at the very moment. "She said she
had been forced…sexually and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did
not do that to her. I was barely coherent that night. At the station, Charlotte
couldn't look at me. Peter kept fucking yelling shit at me and I was just so
confused as to why she would be blaming me for doing this to her. I mean, if
anything…"
"She assaulted you," Bella cut in quietly. I nodded. I mean I never said no, so
it couldn't truly be considered rape, but she had her way with me under an
altered state of consciousness.
"As they were leading her away, I caught Peter watching me through the
glass. He fucking smirked, cocking an eyebrow up at me. He fucking hit her
and somehow forced her to put the blame on me. She told me he had pushed
her around before, but I had no idea it would come to this. Obviously, he
found out about her and me, and did this to either punish the both of us or
salvage his reputation, I don't know which. But they had no real proof that it
was me. I mean aside from the scratches on my shoulders and the giant
hickey, they couldn't really prove that she was raped by me because there
was no…" I looked up at Bella again, dreading the rest of this. "Semen or
sign of forced entry. They did a rape test at the hospital. I don't even
remember her using a condom, B. But there were no 'biologicals" or signs of
any traces of latex. She claims she had taken a bath and flushed the condom,
but I don't remember any of that." Bella sighed, clearly moved by all of this.
I wanted to hold Bella and promise her I would take care of her, and that I
would never ever do what Charlotte pretended I did. She had barely said a
word, just sat there listening intently. I suppose I was appreciative of her
silence, though it was unnerving to say the least. I really wanted to know
what she thought of all of this.
"Well, then I did the most stupid thing I could think of. I fucking… I snuck
out of my house and went to her house to talk to her, you know? Try to get
her to drop the charges. She was standing at the door all she kept repeating
was, 'I'm so sorry, Eddie, I'm so sorry,' essentially admitting it was a false
accusation. And if I would have been thinking straight I would have had a
fucking tape recorder on me, but who the fuck knew? But then Peter comes
out and after we exchange words, I beat the living piss out of him, which not
only made things entirely worse, but fueled the idea that I was violent." I
shook my head at my own stupidity and short temper.
"Charlotte's mom was an attorney and her dad was a politician, both well
known in the community and apparently had people in high places that owed
them favors. It didn't go to trial for lack of evidence, but they did hold an
informal hearing. If I would have lied and said I did it, than I would have
gotten six months at a juvenile detention center which was basically jail for
dysfunctional derelict teenagers, and restraining order from Charlotte. But I
was not about to go to juvie and I refused to admit to something I didn't do.
It totally pissed everyone off, because Charlotte and Peter had thoroughly
convinced all involved parties that I was the one who did it. The only ones
that believed me were my family. My fucking friends abandoned me, my
teammates wouldn't even talk to me…it was so fucked up.
"They got this judge…Judge fucking Aro," I sneered angrily, with contempt
and malice toward the man insisted on in ruining my life, "who went on a
power trip rampage and pulled out all this bullshit he'd been dying to use on
someone. Apparently he was under the impression that I was a spoiled rotten
rich kid who didn't understand consequences or never had to take
responsibility for my actions, so he decided he was the one to show me how
fucking harsh life really was outside the bubble of privilege and money. I
was expelled from school because they couldn't have someone 'dangerous'
amongst their students, I was not permitted to participate in any team sports
or remain in any group organizations, I had to do fifty hours of community
bullshit service at an rape and abuse counseling center, I had to attend
weekly group therapy sessions with like, actual rapists, which by the way,
my attorney had lessened down to individual session which I now go to in
Port Angeles on Tuesdays." I raised an eyebrow with the intention of her
understanding my piano lessons were a farce. Her eyes shut in
understanding. "And…"
Bella's hands slipped from her mouth to cover her face momentarily while
she took all the information in. She shook her head in disbelief as she said,
"And? There's more?"
"Um, yeah…the best part. The judge slapped a restraining order on me. It is
called an NSRO- Non Specific Retraining Order. It basically says that I can't
be in physical contact with a female until I turn eighteen. So instead of not
being allowed within like, a hundred yards of Charlotte, I just can't touch
any female… until 2010. Oh, and then I had to thank him…actually thank
him for not putting my name on the sexual predators list."
"What? Are you serious, Edward? That's the stupidest thing I have ever
heard of. How do you even abide by that? I mean, it's nearly impossible."
"Yeah, I know. It was invented specifically to fail. Think about it…I can't be
in any crowds, school is a complete bitch and if you notice, on Friday's and
at parties, I basically keep to myself. My father had the best lawyers in
Chicago working on it, but no one could seem to get the judge to reverse the
order. So because I was thrown out of school, and kicked off the baseball
team, I ended up a real fucking mess. So then it was either drop out, or go to
public night school with the less than desirables so, I had no choice but to
attend classes at the Caius School for Boys…this like, institution for all
these wealthy little derelicts. Within the first week I had made friends with
the wrong crowd. A mirror and a rolled up hundred dollar bill were their best
friends. It was only a matter of time that I was doing bumps of coke with
them and basically giving up on everything. At the time, I just didn't give a
fuck and I was so goddamn angry, that when I was high, I felt good and I
could actually forget what a fucking mess my life had turned into for a little
while. My parents knew I wasn't handling the situation well, but when they
found out how bad I really wasn't handling it, they packed up all of our shit
and moved here. I guess they hoped I could start over here, you know?"
"Oh, E...I had no idea…cocaine, really?"
I nodded, ashamed of what she thought of me. I was not proud of my
actions, or what I did to my family. "They left everything behind for me, and
I pay for it every goddamn day with guilt. Emmett left all of his friends and
his teams, Jasper had to leave his girlfriend, which I am convinced that he
will never forgive me for; Carlisle left the practice that he built from nothing
because he lost half his patients, my mom gave up her design firm that was
doing amazingly fucking well, and …I changed my name and now pretend
that person never existed. Oh…and they don't know that I know, but my
parents had been looking into adopting a little girl from China when it all
happened. They were forced to stop the process because who in their right
mind would give a baby to a family with a kid that's a rapist?" I nodded my
head indicating that I was indeed, finished.
Goddamn, that felt good…
And look… she's still here.
In light of everything I had said to her accompanied by the definite surge of
painkillers in her system, Bella's eyes were glassy and hooded. The
painkiller was kicking in full force for her. "B, do you want to go lay down?
You look like you're gonna pass out any second." She vehemently shook her
head no.
"I can't…I have so many questions, Edward. I …so that's why you don't
touch me?" I nodded. "I thought you had a germ phobia or something…
wow…I never in a million years thought…a restraining order…really?
That's why you were so mad about me telling them we were together…this
is so …overwhelming…" Her voice trailed off and she wiggled her fingers
staring amazedly at them. Percocets were good shit.
"Woah…I feel sorta floopy," she said smiling. "I have five more...you want
some?"
"Don't go pushing your drugs on me, Crackhead," I chuckled, pushing my
chair out from the table with a scraping sound on the tiles. She cringed,
realizing that I may have been sensitive to the topic of drug use but I wasn't.
"Come on, let's go lie down, okay? I know it's a lot to process, but I'll
answer all of your questions tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" she asked standing, looking up at me very confused. She
looked like such a sweet little girl… in a disgusting bloody white shirt.
"Yeah in Port Angeles. Unless you think you won't be up for it with your
hand?"
"Oh, no, I didn't think you would still want to go. You were so mad…"
"Bella, why wouldn't I want to go? I really like you and I love hanging out
with you…if you want to still hang out with me. I mean…if you don't want
to, I will understand. " I crossed the room toward her, leaning my palm on
the table. She continued to stare up at me with huge eyes, a grin a mile wide.
I swear she was starting to sway.
"E… I definitely want to hang out with you…I like you too…a lot. " Bella
was slurring now, and I laughed at her. She was fucking adorable.
"I know, B. But you need to sleep on it and we'll talk more tomorrow. Come
on…" She took a Prozac from the counter, popping it in her mouth followed
by a long swig of Pepsi. I followed her upstairs, just so that I knew she made
to the second level all right. I had planned to stay on the couch for a while,
in case she woke up confused or in pain. Bella was okay with wanting to
hang out with me now, but in the morning, when the drugs wore off, it could
be an entirely different situation. Once she ingested it and took time to
process what she was actually becoming involved with, there was still the
possibility that she would change her mind.
When we got to her room, she turned to me and said, "Will you stay with
me? Charlie won't be home until tomorrow night…please? My bed is soooo
big and I won't touch you, I promise." How the fuck could I say no to her?
"Yeah, okay," I said nodding. I really didn't think it was a wise idea, but she
really didn't leave me a choice. She smiled again, handing me the television
remote while she grabbed a shirt and practically tripped into the door as she
crossed the hall to change. I sat on the edge of her bed, taking in her girlie
bedroom and the little piles of clutter, which surprisingly did not irritate the
hell out of me.
There was one of the long gray socks she wore to school hanging over a
chair, her closet doors were bursting out with clothes, and a pile of shoes sat
in the far corner by a rocker. Bella had a small area of her desk lined with
books and her closed laptop. The room was simple, new and obviously not
lived in for very long, very much like mine. She had just one picture of a
pretty lady that I assumed was her mom tucked into her large oval mirror
and one of her, Rose and Alice from the homecoming game. It was sad,
really. A girl like Bella should have tons of memories in her bedroom, not
vast emptiness.
When she returned wearing a big soft pink sweatshirt, she collapsed on the
bed next to me, smiling lazily. I pulled the covers out for her and she tucked
her legs underneath, drawing the comforter up to her chin as she turned
towards me. I wasn't sure if laying down would be appropriate, but I kicked
off my Nike's anyway and rested my head on the pillow next to her, turning
to look at her face. Her pillow smelled like fucking heaven.
"I'm sorry, for everything you went through," she whispered. Her lids
fluttered closed, finally submitting to the drug induced sleep that was
waiting for her.
"Me too," I whispered back, hoping and praying that come daylight, she
would still want me in her life.
I watched her for a few minutes before I called home to tell my parents I was
spending the night. They didn't think it was the most ideal situation either,
but they said they would rather not have Bella alone in her state. However, I
neglected to mention the fact that I was in Bella's bed with her. Bella never
had a chance to call Charlie to tell him what happened and I blamed myself
for not reminding her. I was so busy telling her my shit that I completely
forgot.
Once I knew she was deeply asleep, I headed down to the kitchen and found
cleaning shit under the sink. I wiped up the blood off the floor, cleaned off
the counters, washed all the dishes and put them away and covered the rest
of the lasagna, putting it in the refrigerator. Though I was stuffed from
dinner, I eyed the jar of real peanut butter and slices of American cheese that
were not infact, soy based. I didn't know if I was overstepping boundaries by
cleaning, but I couldn't rest knowing that not only was that mess left in the
kitchen, but that she would wake up to it. Her hand would be useless for a
week or so, and I felt it necessary to make things easy on her. Yeah, I am a
nice fucking guy sometimes. I also stole a handful of Oreos from her pantry.
Double stuffed…hot shit.
There was a knock on the front door around nine and I froze, not knowing
whether to answer it. I peeked out the window and saw Alice outside
jingling keys, singing some corny made up song about having Bella's car
and driving it to work and almost hitting a grizzly bear on the highway on
her way home. Now I understood why she and Bella were friends…they
were both ridiculously goofy.
I answered the door with a smile. "Oh hey, Alice." Upon seeing my face, she
looked baffled and amused at the same time.
"Hey Prince Not So Charming, what the hell are you doing here, huh? You
making Bella cry some more? Giving her another panic attack?" Jesus, did
this girl ever breathe? Without missing a beat she asked, "Did Bella hit
you?" Her voice was almost excited, as if she was happy that Bella would
throw a punch at me. I rolled my eyes at her, muttering "no," as she pushed
her way past me into the living room.
I gave Bella a panic attack?
"Bella cut her hand and my father stitched her up. She's on some pretty
heavy pain meds so I'm hanging out here just in case she wakes up
confused." I shrugged my shoulders, taking a bite of cookie.
"Oh. Is she okay?" I nodded. "Did you apologize to her?" I rolled my eyes
and nodded. "You know she is crazy about you, right?" I shrugged my
shoulders with a closed mouth smile. "Well, you better be nice to her and if I
find out you make her cry again, I'm gonna hurt you. You hear me Edward?
I'll turn you from a rooster to a hen in one swift kick…get my drift mister?"
I nodded and swallowed licking the cookie off my teeth. It was pretty easy
talking to her with a mouth full of food since she never let me actually
speak.
"I won't hurt her, Alice. I'm crazy about her too." She eyed me for a minute
before dangling Bella's car keys over the coffee table.
"Tell Bella I said thank you for her car." Alice eyed me warily before she
turned heading for the door. She stopped, facing me again. "Hey, if Bella
didn't hit you then who did?"
I sighed. "Jasper." Her face fell and a smile creeped on her mouth, as she
bounced on the balls of her feet.
"Did you hit him back?" Alice's eyes were so wide. This was weird.
"Uh, yeah. In the mouth." I said, gesturing to my lip. "He looks sexy," I
teased, raising my eyebrows suggestively. She blushed, smirking.
"Good." She waved, opening the door.
"Hey Alice… thanks for taking care of Bella today. She's lucky to have you.
And uh…whatever you're doing with ignoring Jasper is working. That
fucker doesn't deserve you, but he's definitely noticed you."
"Of course…Bella's my girl. And Jasper can kiss my ass." Alice shrugged
her shoulders indifferently. But a quick glance out the front window and I
caught her skipping across the street toward her home. Jasper wasn't fucking
worthy of her, and I shouldn't have been doing him any favors but whatever.
Maybe her cute personality would rub off on him and she could get him to
stop being such a fucking douche.
I went back up to Bella's room, carefully lying down on the bed as to not
jostle her awake. She slept so soundly, that it was nearly impossible, but still.
Her breathing was soft and steady, and she looked so peaceful. Slowly, I
reached out to her, brushing a lock of hair away from her face. I kissed her
bandaged palm, stroking her little fingers, before I placed her hand on a
pillow to elevate it. Leaning into her, I inhaled deeply, taking in her scent
and her innocence before I kissed both her eyelids and her forehead gently,
whispering, "Sweet dreams, Beautiful."
I passed out that night, in my clothes, on Bella's insanely comfortable bed,
next to the girl that I hurt but who had accepted me for who I was, and found
trust and faith that I was a good person. For the moment, anyway. I was
relieved and anxious to find out what questions she wanted to ask and when
she got her answers, would she still want to stay with me?
When I woke up at 7:17 the next morning. Bella was still sound asleep, her
hair a wild mess of tangles splayed all over the bed. Sometime during the
night she had rolled over closer to me and had her hand resting on my
stomach. I slid out of her bed rubbing where her hand had been. It was still
warm. Quietly, I searched her desk drawer for a scrap of paper to write a
note on. I found her stupid ass hamburger note pad and pickle pen. I also
came across what appeared to be a very recent black and white picture of
Bella that took my breath away. She was wearing a sundress, her long hair
blowing in the breeze of what was likely her back yard in California. She
was laughing and she was fucking stunning.
I pulled out a piece of 'cheese' and scrawled, I'll be back at 11:00. Stole the
picture of you in your drawer.
I sprinted home, ate a quick bite, then showered and slipped on a pair of
distressed jeans and a black Henley. I took an extra long time with my hair,
partly because I knew Jasper was home and I wanted to avoid him for as
long as possible, and partly because I had to make up for not doing it
yesterday. My face was still swollen, but the bruises were less red and more
purple, and I was kind of worried about the little scar that might be left on
my cheekbone from the impact of Jasper's fist.
Fuck it…girl's like scars, right? I look fucking tough.
I got it defending my girl so it was worth it.
Right before I left, I placed Bella's picture in my nightstand, hoping that
when the day was through I could put it out in the open.
The sun was shining and while it was still on the cooler side, it was an
amazing fucking day. It was a few minutes after eleven when I rang Bella's
doorbell before I noticed the note that she hung on the door had fallen to the
ground.
I'm at the tree house.
I was nervous. I was hoping the painkillers had not made her so entirely
immune to the reality of what I had told her. Through the trees, along the
overgrown path, I could make out the faint movement of the tire swing.
Bella was lying on her back, using her dangling feet to spin the tire around
in a circle. One of her little black shoes was a short distance away, likely
having flown off while she was spinning. Once she wound herself a few
times, she let go; the tire turning full force in a whipping circle. She
squealed, shutting her eyes and cringing as she twisted, probably because
she was getting butterflies in her stomach. She didn't seem upset, so that was
definitely a positive sign.
I stood back a few minutes watching her be joyful, laughing and happy. She
was wearing a light purple cotton dress, a short black sweater over her
shoulders with black leggings covering the rest of her. Her hair was hanging
down long and very curly, still slightly damp from the shower. She looked so
pretty and I thought it was really sweet that she wore a dress for our
afternoon together.
I approached, deliberately rustling the leaves underfoot as to give her
adequate warning of my presence. She sat up propping herself on one elbow
and grinning widely. Her face lit up when she saw me and at that moment I
felt warmth and happiness for the first time in a really long time. "Hi!" she
beamed.
"Whatcha doing"? I asked playfully.
"Enjoying my painkillers. Please thank your dad again for me."
She smirked and I shook my head at her mumbling, "Crack head." She laid
back down using her foot to kick off the ground to spin again. I laughed at
her, bending to pick up her wayward shoe. She stopped the swing, hesitantly
lifting her foot to me. I slipped the shoe carefully on her foot as we stared at
each other for a minute, taking one another in, almost in awe.
My very own Cinder-Bella...could I ever be her Prince Charming?
Fucking fairy tales.
Then I crouched down, turning the tire so that her face was inches from
mine. She smiled again and she smelled so fucking amazing, my dick
twitched inappropriately.
"Does it hurt?"
God I wish I could kiss you.
"Only when I do my Miss America wave," she giggled. "I feel good,
actually. It hurt like a mother this morning, but I took a half of a pill and now
I feel wonderful!"
"You're not going to pass out on me today are you? Cause we can stay local
if you like," I asked.
"No, I'm fine. Does your face hurt?"
I shook my head no. "Do you want to go now?" I nodded, and she sat up,
hoisting herself onto her feet using her good hand. It was little things like
that that so many people took for granted. I should have been able to extend
my hand out to her, but I couldn't do something as simple as that. She
smoothed out the front of her dress, giving me a small shy grin as she caught
me staring at her.
"You look so pretty, B," I said quietly. I was very new at this and I wondered
if that was okay to say.
Should I have said beautiful?
She bit her lip giggling, flaring the hem of the dress. "Awww shucks,
Edward…this old rag?" I just shook my head at her. Sometimes she was
such a goof, but I really thought that was part of her charm. "Hey, did you
clean my kitchen last night?"
My eyes widened. "Uh…no." I lied, looking away with a smirk. "Must have
been OCD cleaning fairies or something."
She giggled, rolling her eyes playfully. "Well, if you see them, thank them
for me. It was a really sweet thing to do."
"Oh, I will. They swiped some Oreos, by the way. Nasty little thieves." I
held the gate open for her and she slid past. "I figured I owed you one for
defending my heterosexuality. I was kind of lost in focus, I never even
thanked you." I smiled shyly, knowing that it was little moments like this
where I should normally be touching her face or lacing her fingers in mine
or doing something that people in newly formed relationships do.
Fuck...this isn't going to be easy, is it?
A thick cottony cloud passed over the brightly shining sun, causing the yard
to darken a bit. All the little red highlights in Bella's hair disappeared with
the sun.
"E…you know I'm so sorry. I had no idea about what happened to you and
when they were saying that stuff, I just …couldn't stop myself. I hope you
understand. I only said it because I care about you and …" She looked at me,
biting her lip. I shook my head.
"Don't apologize. I know you didn't know, and …I'm sorry I never even gave
you the chance to explain. You stood up for me, and no one has ever done
that before…so thank you, seriously."
"Well, I don't like people talking shit. I've been through…" Bella clipped her
statement, shaking her head. Intrigued at her obvious frustration, I hedged.
"What Bella? What have you been through?" I really wanted to know, if not
for the fact that I aired out my dirty laundry, so I thought it was only fair that
she air out hers.
She sighed and pursed her lips in thought. "I think…maybe it would be
easier to just show you. Come on inside." Bella waved me toward the front
door where she ushered me inside. I followed her up the stairs back into her
room, now filled with of bright morning sunlight. The sock was gone and the
bed was unmade, but everything else remained as it was when I left that
morning.
Bella sat on her desk chair, opening up the laptop. As she busied herself
starting it up, I pulled her comforter tight up to the top of the bed, smoothing
out the wrinkles before fluffing the pillows back to their appropriate spots
and sat down on the bed behind her. Without looking back she said, "Did
you just make my bed?"
"Nope…fairies."
She snickered, shaking her head. Her expression fell slightly as she looked at
me, turning the computer screen to where I could see it.
"Okay, so…here. This… is the reason… I moved back to Forks." She waved
her hand over the laptop with a flourish, game show host style then sat back
in the chair staring at me. I looked at the screen, blinking a few times as
overwhelming feelings of disgust, jealously, rage and unbridled lust waved
over me. I brought my gaze back to hers, which was downcast.
"Bella… what…the fuck… is this?"
~%~

Three cliffhangers in a row…I'm so mean. Oh…don't give me that

crap…you don't care nearly as much about Bella as you do about
Edward.
So… poor StupidBogusRestrainingOrderward. I know you all have a
billion questions…but so does Bella, particularly why they can't touch
each other if no one knows about it. Edward will answer that and all of
her other questions in chapter 14.
PSA time: Date rape is not a joke. There are thousands of women who
are assaulted and taken advantage of by men all over the country every
day. However, while I do not condone this behavior, I must say that
falsely accusing a man of doing this is heinous. Three words, "He raped
me," when they are not true can destroy families, friendships and entire
lives. Please take this seriously, as it is a very real thing. I have had
several reviewers tell me they heave heard of this before in real life and
one who even married a man accused of this who, even years after the
fact, he is still dealing with the emotional repercussions of being falsely
accused and the stigma that follows it. It is a terrible thing to do to a
person, and we must be reminded of the power we hold as woman and
to never abuse that control.
Amen Sistas.
Now give me some sugar.

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own High Anxiety- the story line and
plot are all mine.
Thank you to everyone who have been reading and reviewing this and to
AngstGoddess003, and Emarroquin, amongst a few unidentified others
for rec'cing this. I thank you wholeheartedly and I am honored.
Hugs to Becca for proofing and to Suzy who walked me through this
chapter, gave me the inspiration and the long talks about being true to
myself, held my hand patiently while I dealt with a blank brain, and
talked me off a ledge practically the whole week. ILY BB.
Thank you also the girls on the thread for your honest opinions your
kind words and your willingness to read anything I have, even my
frigging grocery list. You guys rock.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 14~ I Will Wait for You
Cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you
All of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
LifeHouse~ You and Me
~ Bella~
The morning sun filtering through my slightly parted curtains was so bright
it was burning my retinas. With a twitch of my fingers, I realized my hand
hurt like a bitch. I gaped at the bandage confused for a minute...oh right...I
cut myself yesterday...shit. Rolling over onto my back, I combed fingers
through my crazy knotted hair, wondering why the heck I had slept with it
down as not up in a crazy bun like usual. When I sat up, I spotted a piece of
bright yellow 'cheese' shaped paper on my laptop. It was a note from
Edward.
I'll be back at 11:00. Stole the picture of you in your drawer.
I cocked my head to the side furrowing my eyebrows at the note while
admiring his really girlie handwriting. I suddenly remembered Edward slept
here and I had a lunch date with him in Port Angeles this afternoon.
He stole a picture of me? Oh, wait the one taken in the yard at mom and
Phil's. I look like shit in that picture.
I spent the next few minutes musing over what I was going to wear. Jeans?
My black hip hugger pants? A skirt?
Hmmm, what If I wore that little denim…
Then it hit me.
Oh My God…
Holy fucking shit… Edward told me he was accused of date rape and he
can't touch me or kiss me or hold my hand or do anything with me until he is
eighteen years old.
Oh My God.
I sat on the edge of the bed lost in my own head, trying to recall what was
actually said last night. I had to dig, like really dig into my memory to
remember exactly what he had told me. And then, as if the lid of Pandora's
box had been thrown wide open, all of Edward's words came rushing toward
me as written on a page, some appearing bold and others less prominent,
images flittering in and out of focus. All of them just as meaningful and
significant.
Charlotte.
That evil bitch.
It was somewhat surreal. I didn't know whether to have a panic attack or just
fucking cry my eyes out. The nonsense that I had conjured up in my head
over what I had thought was Edward's past was nothing compared to the
reality of it. This boy had been through so much in the last year, it was
unfathomable. No wonder why his eyes were always swimming with
sadness and anger. The worst part of the situation was that his childhood
friend betrayed him. I could not imagine what Edward went through having
to give up everything that was important to him and leave his home because
of a girl.
I obsessed over his words for a long time digesting the impact all of this
would have on me, on our relationship, if we chose to move forward with
one. That was what he meant last night about sleeping on it. Edward wanted
me to understand that if I wanted to be with him…I couldn't be with him.
Chewing on my nails didn't help the gnawing feeling in my stomach, so I
went down stairs to find another Percocet as well as grab something quick to
eat. Upon entering the kitchen, I stopped short, seeing that it was spotless. I
briefly wondered if Charlie had been home and tidied up, but them I
remembered who I was talking about and scratched that theory. Charlie
would have woken me up if he had spotted blood.
It must have been Edward. As I wrapped a plastic bag around my bandaged
hand, taping it securely to my skin in an effort to waterproof the area, I
imagined him wrapping the lasagna leftovers in plastic and then on his hands
and knees diligently scouring the blood off the tiles and. Actually, I tried to
picture his ass bent over and his long legs jutting out underneath him, and
maybe he even had removed his shirt as to not get it dirty…
I wondered if he had been obsessing over the mess in the kitchen while he
watched television or did whatever he did while I passed out on him last
night. I hope he wasn't bored.
As I showered, I made a mental list of all the things I wanted to ask him and
after I dried off, I sat swathed in a towel at my desk while jotting the
questions down on a sheet of loose leaf. This was too important to miss a
single detail and I had to get my thoughts focused.
This hand thing was a real pain in the ass, but if I had to skewer myself, it
was better in the left than in the right. Bedsides that fact that my hand was
completely useless, the bandage wrapped around the palm was stark white
and ugly and coordinated with nothing that I wanted to wear today. Maybe I
could wear one sparkly glove or something ala Michael Jackson…spark a
trend.
I couldn't blow dry my hair so I let it dry naturally, knowing it would curl up
as the day went on. I chose a dress, simply because I would have worn
something on the sexier side for the afternoon, but I couldn't manage to work
the buttons or the zipper on my pants single handed. It was ironic that I
could have asked him to do it for me under any other circumstances, though
I probably wouldn't have not wanting him to think I was a slut for asking
such a thing. I just really wanted to look pretty for him.
After I applied some makeup, I grabbed my little black purse shoving in
some necessary items including the list and sat waiting impatiently.
The half of the pill I took was working nicely, as the throbbing pain in my
hand subsided and I felt slightly tingly and very happy. I had about twenty
minutes until he arrived and I was kind of nervous. To kill time, I fought
with the tape dispenser before leaving a note attached half assed to the front
door and headed out to the swings. While I spun on the tire, enjoying the
feeling of being free and oddly constricted simultaneously, I thought about
the enormity of Edward's situation. What did all this mean now? Could we
even be a normal couple? He asked me out regardless of the fact that he said
he couldn't touch me.
He couldn't touch me.
Which meant no hand holding, no kissing, no licking, no copping feels, no
heavy petting, no dry humping, no jobs- neither hand or blow, no fingering,
no sex, no touching, no touching, no touching.
No touching.
Shit.
With everything he had told me last night, I listened and hung onto every
word as if it were his last dying breath. All of what he had said penetrated
my ears and sort of took its time to sink in hard as he described the details of
his past in Chicago. I was in absolute disbelief that something like this could
happen to a person like Edward. And truthfully, hearing about him having
sex with that girl hurt me. A lot. My stomach felt strangely unsettled with the
knowledge that he was with another girl, however, my theory about him
being in love was laid to rest, which gave me a bizarre sense of hope.
It was painful to know that he had been with someone before, and that he
couldn't be with me…though he did want to. Even though he had "been"
with another girl…could that really even count since he actually was not
mentally coherent?
I wanted to hug him and hold him and tell him I would never hurt him like
that, or betray him like she did. It explained so much as to his severe
reaction to Friday's debacle, and at the same time, made me feel incredibly
bad for what I had done to him, and the additional plight this had put on him.
He would have to straighten this out tomorrow with whomever he had to.
But since this mess had really been all of my doing I thought maybe I should
offer to go with him to help explain the situation. I was the one that needed
to take responsibility for this. Not him.
Out of everything he said, it never crossed my mind for even a fraction of a
second that he would do such a terrible thing. I had seen him be so kind to
that girl in the English hallway and I watched in awe as he came to the
rescue of that boy at the party. He may have had a hard exterior and he may
have even been seriously angry with me in that parking lot, but I knew
beyond any doubt that Edward Cullen did not have it in him to harm a girl,
never mind rape her. I knew it in my heart and in the pit of my soul as well
as I knew my very own name. Plus, I'm betting that if it were true, his
mother would have killed him. Dead.
Edward was innocent and I believed him without question. I also knew that
what I felt for him was much more than friendship... and I didn't want to be a
virgin forever. I wanted to be with him desperately. I wanted to feel his
breath in my face and his lips on mine. I wanted to feel his soft skin and the
weight of his muscles on top of me, while his long fingers touched my body
in ways that no one ever had, except for in my depraved fantasies.
Could I wait?
Did I even have a choice at that point?
I read somewhere that men thought about sex every seven seconds which
was much more often than women. If that were true, then I had something
severely wrong with me, because I thought about sex…all the time. More
than every seven seconds. But ironically enough, only since I had met
Edward. It was like his presence in my life had kick started my hormones,
surging estrogen in all my inner girl parts. I craved it ferociously, which was
odd, particularly since the only thing that had ever touched my cooter was
my own fingers. This was clearly a relationship in which my sexual wants
would not be met by anyone other than myself. And that sucked… a lot.
As the tire swung around, I decided that I had to make a decision whether I
wanted to wait. It was obviously my choice and Edward was giving me carte
blanche to proceed or not.
But as I debated over the choice to be made, weighing pros and cons, when
he arrived at the swing I was beyond elated. The rush of emotions surged
through my veins and danced on my skin as my heart beat wildly from the
mere sight of him. If I had any doubt before that moment, it was all erased in
the instant that he flashed his smile at me. He made me gooey inside. The
sound of his voice, the sight of his face, the smell of his skin…things that I
couldn't avoid, made my knees weak. Did I need him to touch me? Hell yes,
but could I live without it?
If I knew anything, it was that I wanted him in my life any way I could have
him, despite his unfortunate situation. He was my boy and…I wanted to be
his girl. If that meant waiting for him to be "free" than I would wait.
I will wait for you, Edward.
As he ushered me through the gate, he looked at me with such longing that it
actually hurt my heart. That would have been the perfect time to kiss me, or
even touch my face or make some simple affectionate gesture which most
people would take for granted. I wondered if he was thinking the same thing.
I realized at that moment this was just the beginning of a long, difficult
winding road filled with frustration and pain as Edward needed to heal and
come to terms with his anger. All I knew was the beautiful boy who lived
down the street made my heart flutter when he smiled at me...and I belonged
to him. Completely.
So there we were, in my room as I powered up my laptop preparing to show
him my secrets and my shame. He bared his soul to me, and I felt it was only
right to reciprocate with outing my own demons. However, I think that had I
not been on a generous helping of a glorious painkiller that I wouldn't have
been so open with prominently displaying the obscene photos. It was just as
easy to tell him with words alone. But Edward was special and he deserved
the truth, as embarrassing as it was. I couldn't touch him…but I could show
him all of me, the parts he wouldn't be able to touch regardless. I could share
with him my pain and embarrassment. Somehow, it felt extremely
therapeutic to have it out in the open with someone who would not judge
me.
His expression was a mixture of confusion, horror, and anger as his gaze
remained unfaltering on the computer screen.
"Bella, what…the fuck… is this?" he asked, obviously frazzled by what he
saw. His voice was laced with a bit of anger and disbelief while his fists
balled up on his thighs leaving his knuckles white. "Please tell me this is a
joke…please." His eyes met mine and he almost looked panicked.
"It's not me," I said quickly. "And I have no idea who the bodies of those
guys are, but their heads are the captain of the football team and the starting
quarterback at my old high school. Someone did a great job Photo shopping,
right?" I asked, nonchalantly, as I had seen the picture a thousand times
before, inspecting and dissecting it. "Her body looks just like mine but my
boobs are a little smaller," I scowled, pointing out the fake Bella's breasts in
the photo. Edward looked at my chest briefly before his gaze snapped back
to the screen with a minute nod. He shook his head and his eyebrows
furrowed.
"No one knew if the original picture was real. The two boys denied ever
having had a threesome with anyone, so they claimed they were manipulated
in as well. But personally, I think it was real because of their reactions when
it became public." The image on the screen depicted two guys and a girl in
which she was sandwiched between them; both inside of her at the same
time. The whole thing was pretty porntastic. There were four other images
similar to that, but different sexual positions. All of the pictures looked
remarkably authentic.
I leaned forward to click on the next image. Edward's eyes grew wider and
he shifted uncomfortably on the bed. It was the same two guys, only now
with the girl (fake me) being taken from behind while the other guy had
himself in her mouth. I knew by the odd facial expressions that these were
candid shots taken during cheerleading practices.
"Who the fuck did this to you?" Edward was seething, his eyes were
narrowed and his teeth gritted. This time it wasn't because of anything I did
to him, thankfully.
I sighed, leaning back into the chair. Edward couldn't keep his huge eyes off
of the screen. "Bree," I said quietly. "She lived across the street from me.
When I moved to California, I was…different…plain…kind of… insecure
and shy. I spent so much time looking longingly at the cheerleaders and the
popular girls that I was just sick of always being the girl that …I don't know,
sat on the sidelines with the book nerds. I wanted more that time around, so
when Bree befriended me, even though I knew she was…like, super popular,
queen of the tenth grade and 'a mean girl', I didn't care. Bree took me under
her wing. All her friends became my friends. We went to every single party
including the ones that were 'invite' and 'seniors only'. She showed me how
to dress, present myself and well… other stuff like how to…kiss and how to
be confident and she even got me on the cheerleading team with her."
Edward scowled and rolled his eyes.
"Cheerleading…seriously?"
"Hey, I was a damn good cheerleader. Just cause I am a spazztard on the
volleyball court doesn't mean I can't be a good cheerleader," I said
defensively. Edward muttered a sincere apology, still looking at the screen. I
leaned over, shutting the picture down, much to Edward's dismay. I knew at
that point that showing him the other three would have pushed him over the
proverbial edge. Maybe another time. Part of me found it humorous that he
was so enthralled by it, and I wanted to ask him if he would like it for his
own personal screen saver. Something told me he would be more than happy
to display it. Sick, sexy-assed pervert.
"Bella, why the fuck would she do this to you?"
"Well, Bree's ex boyfriend Riley, was interested in me. They went out for
like, a month, so I mean, it's not like they had a serious relationship or
anything. I completely backed off because she was my friend and she had
done so much for me, it was only right, even though I did have a crush on
him before they started going out. But Riley was done with her. As much as
I rejected his advances, it got to the point that it was just silly. He obviously
didn't want to be with her. He asked me to the winter formal and I really
wanted to go, so I asked Bree if she minded and she said it was cool. Huge,
colossal, ginormous mistake. In the middle of the dance, everyone started
getting these texts…with those pictures."
"So that's why you don't go to dances?"
I nodded. "Bad memories, you know? The thing is, the two guys in the
picture had senior girlfriends who were like… outraged. No one believed
that the photo was a fake; I mean it's really good. And God only knows how
Bree acquired it. But my life was turned to instant hell after that. You have
no idea how cruel people can be, especially girls." Edward cocked an
eyebrow at that statement, insensitive as it was.
"Uh, well maybe you do know. They like, made it their life's goal to make
my life hell. They were sending me these disgusting emails and texts. The
police called it "sexting". They continued to forward those pics around along
with god-awful lies and stories about me. They like, scratched horrible
things on my locker door. My name was in every private blog you could
imagine, just saying how I was a slut and a whore and no one…I mean no
one wanted anything to do with me. I was like a pariah."
I looked over at Edward's face. He had his elbow propped up on his knee
with his hand covering his mouth in disbelief. "That is just so fucked."
"The two senior girls actually harassed me to the point where my parents
went to the police. But at the time, there were no laws or guidelines
regarding this stuff, so there wasn't anything they could do except for filing
harassment charges, and that only made things worse. The school board was
no help since they had no proof who vandalized my locker or who sent the
original picture in the first place, though I knew damn well it was Bree.
These girls were very careful not to send anything during school hours so the
principal refused to get involved since everything was taking place off
school grounds. It was a vicious cycle.
"The police told me and my mom that the school administration had to
handle it and the school told us to go the police. It got to the point that I was
actually scared to go to school so I stuck it out until I couldn't anymore. And
then my mom home schooled me for the last month before summer break,
which sucked by the way, but was better than dealing with being tortured
every day. When school started up again in September, I went back thinking
it would have all blown over with the seniors gone. But Bree made sure that
it was never going to happen. She basically said, 'I made you and I can ruin
you…' and she sure as hell did. I just got so sick of feeling like shit about
something that I didn't do, that I just gave up and moved here. You know that
saying, 'Be careful what you wish for?' Well, all I wanted was to not be in
the background all the time. I just wanted to…matter, for someone to pay
attention me...anyone. This got me so much interest that I was having panic
attacks three times a day. I hated waking up every morning."
"Shit, B. I'm so sorry. For someone who has been through so much, you are
surprisingly like...normal. What you went through is… so unbelievably
fucked up." Edward looked up at me with so much sadness and empathy in
his eyes. He understood what it was like to be falsely accused of something
by a supposed friend and have to be driven out of his own home for it.
"Yeah well, the really, really fucked up thing is, that the two guys were like
heroes because of it. Well, to everyone but their girlfriends. I, on the other
hand…I've never even seen an actual real live peen before, and I got all the
misery surrounding it. The Prozac helps me to be 'normal.' I promised
myself that I wouldn't let this take over my life once I moved, and I haven't."
I shook my head, gazing out the window as I mused frustrated over the
unfairness of the situation and how proud of myself I was for letting it go.
Mostly.
Edward spoke quietly. "You've… never seen a…p…peen?" He had some
difficulty getting that word to roll off his tongue smoothly. I turned to him
again. His expression was perplexed though he was clearly fighting back a
smile.
"Why is that funny?" I cocked an eyebrow, thinking maybe he didn't know
what a peen was. "A peen is a pe…"
"Yeah, yeah I know what it is," he replied curtly, cutting me off abruptly.
"It's not…I just didn't think you were a…"
"Virgin? Yeah, still pure…white as snow," I snapped rolling my eyes. He
nodded, looking down sort of like a scolded little boy, but I could see the
smirk he was trying to hide. I stood, smoothing out the front of my dress,
embarrassed and kind of put off by his amused reaction, so I was really
hoping the conversation would shift directions. After taking one quick
glance in the mirror, I motioned for Edward to follow me out the door.
"Wait, B. Um…listen. I'm not… I wasn't making fun of you. I was just
thinking that this might be good, since…well, since you've never done it,
you wouldn't know what you're missing." He smiled shyly shrugging his
shoulders hopefully. I quirked an eyebrow at him though his rationale did
make some sense, however, it didn't erase the fact that I was practically
dying to know what it was like.
"And to be honest…I'm glad you haven't been with anyone. I hope that
you'll want..." Edward leaned against the hallway wall, looking down at his
scuffling feet. His mouth opened to speak, but he was obviously having
trouble coming up with the right words. Edward's head snapped up as we
heard a car pull into the driveway. He looked panicked, making a beeline for
the stairs and descended down them like he had suddenly combusted into
flames.
"E, what's the matter?" I asked, following him. He was sort of twisting in
different directions in the middle of the living room wringing his hands. I
had never seen him so ruffled. It sort of freaked me out.
"Your dad is here. It this okay…that I am here?" He seriously looked like he
was going to cry or have a nervous breakdown or pee his pants. However, I
wouldn't have minded seeing a tear or two. Boys who cried were hot. Oh,
and if he peed his pants, he would have to take them off…
This is definitely going to take some getting used to.
"Edward, it's fine. We're not doing anything wrong. Relax. Come on." I
waved for him to follow me as I grabbed my purse off the table and opened
the outside door.
Charlie was getting out of his truck, looking studly and dapper as usual. He
had on jeans and a gray button down shirt; his face was clean shaven and his
hair had actual gel in it.
"Hey dad."
"Hey kiddo. Hello…it's Edward, right?" he cringed, trying to remember
Edward's name. "Sorry, you kids have some…unusual names. Couldn't
remember who was who."
Edward just chuckled holding out his hand to my father. "Hi Charlie, how
are you?" I eyed the handshake almost scornfully, completely resentful of
the fact that Charlie could touch Edward's beautiful hands and would never
even appreciate it.
Not fucking fair.
"Where are you two off to today?" he asked, shoving a manila envelope
under his arm, which was undoubtedly filled with incriminating photos of a
couple's clandestine meeting. It struck me odd that this monumental piece of
information, that was the undoubtedly the impending destruction of a few
people's entire lives was in such close proximity to his armpit.
I replied, "Port Angeles. Were going to grab something to eat and …"
"Bells, your hand! What the hell did you do now?" Charlie groaned,
carefully lifting my hand up by the wrist. Edward sighed.
"I sliced it open making the lasagna you asked for and didn't make it home
to enjoy." I regretted the words instantly, feeling like a nagging, resentful
housewife as Charlie looked dejected. "Oh, I'm joking, dad. Jeez, you people
have got to lighten up. I'm fine. Dr. Cullen gave me a few stitches. I was
going to call you, but I forgot, sorry."
"Well, next time don't forget. Scratch that- don't let there be a next time. I'll
have to thank Carlisle properly, maybe take him out fishing or something.
Does your dad fish?" He glanced at Edward who shook his head, no. "Oh,
well…listen, I'm here for about an hour and then I'm going to meet up with
Billy and Harry. You'll be home for dinner?"
I looked to Edward for confirmation, hoping he would say no. He nodded
and admittedly, I was sort of disheartened that he was so sure he'd want to
end our date after only a few hours. But whatever, I guessed I shouldn't be so
pushy about it…it was only our first date, and hopefully there would be
many more. Charlie kissed me on the forehead and said goodbye to us both,
disappearing into the house.
Edward pressed his key to unlock his car doors. "Hey E, do you mind if we
take my car? It's so nice out and I know I probably won't be able to put the
top down again until spring." Edward pursed his lips eyeing me disdainfully.
I rolled my eyes. "Seriously? You're worried about your hair, aren't you?"
He shrugged his shoulders and chuckled. "It takes a major amount of time to
get it this perfectly messy." I pouted, and then he reached his hand out for
my keys.
Once the top was down, windscreen was up, sunglasses were on and we
were on the road, I lay my head back against the seat absorbing the heat of
the sun on my face. We were only a few miles out of town when I pulled out
my list, turned down the radio and angled myself toward Edward. He looked
so unbelievably sexy, one hand on the wheel, his other across the back of my
seat with his dark sunglasses on, looking all yummy as he drove my car.
Edward was the kind of boy that the second you looked at him, his very
image would send sparks through your lady parts. Didn't matter how old or
young, or what gender you happened to be...it was just a fact.
"So you said I could ask questions. Can I start now?"
Edward glanced at me with a smile, playfully tugging the paper out of my
hand. He glanced at it, turning it over with wide eyes. "You made a fucking
list? Jesus, B. And people think I'm the one with OCD. Maybe we should go
to Seattle instead. You might be done by the time we get there." He scowled
and rolled his eyes teasingly, shaking his head. I ripped the paper from his
fingers defensively.
"You said I could ask you anything."
"I'm joking," he chuckled. "Go ahead, ask away." Edward leaned over
shutting the radio volume off completely.
I looked at the list trying to find a question that would be easy to answer and
not too much pressure on him, but the one that was nagging at the forefront
of my mind just blurted out of my mouth.
"Why can't we touch in private?"
Way to be subtle there, Bella.
"You don't have like, people watching you twenty four seven, or like a space
satellite tracking your every move, do you? I mean if no one knows about it
then…" I waited expectantly for an answer while smiling. Edward pursed his
lips in thought. His eyes met mine for a second, and all I wanted to do was
wrap my arms around his neck and lick the side of his face.
"Uh, well… here's the thing. As of right now if I abide by the conditions of
the restraining order, it gets wiped clean from my record, as if it never
existed. However, if I violate it, the charge is bumped up to a felony and…I
will go to jail for a minimum of six months, and like real jail, not just juvie.
The charge will be on my record forever. I also can't vote, own a gun, work
for the government, practice law or medicine or get any kind of corporate
job…I can't even go to fucking Canada. Oh, and of course, my name will be
added to the sexual predators list. My options for the future are so limited. I
could be like a fucking…taxidermist, or a construction worker or own my
own business. But even then, getting a business loan and shit when you have
a felony charge is a challenge. So…can you see me covered in sawdust or
stuffing dead animals for a living?"
I eyed Edward's perfectly neat exterior, his manicured fingernails, his
uncallused hands that I was dying to have intertwined with mine. "Uh…no, I
absolutely can not. Wow, that seems so harsh for what happened. I mean you
said they never even proved anything really happened, right?"
"Right, but apparently the judge was being kind when he handed the
sentence to me. From what I've heard from my attorney, the same judge was
giving out even harsher sentences to other kids like me…one's who he
deemed wealthy, spoiled and ungrateful. So I guess it could be a lot worse."
I still pressed for more, though Edward had answered efficiently. "So then,
we could touch, but not get caught." I bit my lip, somewhat fearfully
awaiting his response.
He bit the side of his cheek, not breaking his gaze from the road. "Yeah,
sure. We could do that….but see I've thought about it. A lot. If you and I start
kissing and touching and shit in private, what happens when we're in public?
I mean, we can probably control ourselves fine with some effort, but what
about the nights when we're drunk and sloppy? Or when we're high and our
reaction time is weakened? Could you remember to restrain yourself?"
Edward looked at me briefly before turning back to the road.
"I don't know how to say this without sounding insulting and please forgive
me if I sound like a complete dick, but…I am very…aware of my
surroundings; who is near me, and how I interact with them. I am always in
control of myself. You…don't pay attention to your environment at all.
Accidents happen and I just can't afford any mishaps. I've fucked up once
already and that can't happen...ever." Before I could ask him what that
meant, he continued on sort of a gentile rampage.
"And then…if you and I start…fooling around…are you going to keep that
from your girlfriends? You honestly think that you could not tell Rose and
Alice that you and I were together? You were telling people even when we
weren't. If they know, then everyone knows and then I'm fucked. I'll be lucky
of the Forks Parent Teacher Organization doesn't put a burning cross on my
fucking front lawn or some shit. Seriously… I know it's hard to take in, but
if I get caught, my whole life is ruined, all because I held your hand. And
honestly, could you live with the guilt of seeing me go off to jail to get ass
fucked by a dude named Tiny, just because we kissed?"
"God, I never thought of it that way. I get it, Edward, I do. I just don't…I
mean, who could catch you?"
"My attorney, my therapist, the stupid fucking truant officer I see every six
weeks, Mrs. Meyer, the principal, and um…half of fucking Chicago knows.
So it may seem like it would be a huge coincidence if I ever ran into one of
those people, but considering my shit luck, I have to assume everyone is a
spy and an enemy. And who knows? Maybe Charlotte's parents hired
someone to check on me, or maybe her attorney has some business in
Washington, and happens to swing by Forks. It's highly fucking unlikely, but
it is always a possibility. And do I want to go to jail over it? Absolutely
fucking not."
At that moment my thoughts immediately went to my father. Suppose they
actually were to hire a private investigator… Holy shit. The last thing I
would want to see would be Edward's entire future in a manila envelope
stuck under my dad's armpit. That was his reality…and mine if I chose to be
with him.
I sighed, releasing a huge breath. "I don't mean to get pissy with you, B, it's
just so goddamn frustrating for me to have to live like this for no fucking
reason, and even more so because I have this ridiculously beautiful girl next
to me who wants to be with me and I can't even touch her fucking hand. It
sucks."
And then there it was… the old can't touch me issue again, come creeping
back into the forefront of my mind. It was irritating that I could forget so
easily, but being with Edward was just that. Easy. For the most part anyway.
I didn't put on an act in front of him or pretend to be silly or overly
flirtatious like some girls did around boys, like I had done plenty of times
before, myself. He made me nervous initially, but we were now at the point
where we had both been so honest about our sordid pasts that to be deceitful
with each other about unimportant things was just infantile.
We really had so much in common, that conversation was natural and
awkward silences were few and far between. We laughed at the same things
and enjoyed similar activities even though we were such different people
living our lives with dramatically different demeanors. He was broody and
pissed off. I was sort of happy go lucky and optimistic. It didn't matter
though. We complimented each other and we both knew it without having to
state it aloud.
But as much as I wanted to protest about Edward's rationale for not touching
behind closed doors, I understood it perfectly and I couldn't challenge his
decision to maintain his distance from me. At least I had the knowledge that
he didn't want to, he simply had to. This would undoubtedly be hard.
I smiled, leaning my temple back into the leather seat while staring at
Edward's serious face. "So, if you could…touch my hand…is that what you
would be doing right now?" I asked softly, batting my lashes unconsciously,
admittedly a little frightened about his response.
Edward's head turned slowly to meet my flirtatious gaze. I immediately felt
wrong and shitty for saying something like that, knowing that he couldn't do
anything about it, and it felt like rubbing salt in his wounds. His eyes were
intense, smoldering pale pools of green.
"No," he replied with a straight face as he stared fixedly at my lips. "I'd
definitely be kissing you right now." A smirk played at the edges of his
mouth. My breath hitched upon hearing the words, as I suddenly felt all
swishy and feathery like I was floating on a cloud. "You're so pretty, you
know that?"
God, God,
Dear God, why?
Why I ask you?
I smiled all embarrassed, but feeling really pretty because Edward had told
me so.
He thinks I'm pretty.
I mumbled something completely dumb and incoherent along the lines of,
"Oh immma no no you're so pretty pretty too." I heard it spill out of my
mouth before I could stop it and I thought that perhaps it was too windy for
him to have heard clearly. But he looked me and burst out laughing as I sunk
into the seat covering my face with my hand, obviously having heard the
ridiculous blunder. Made no fucking sense, but whatever.
Good thing he thinks I'm pretty, cause if he thought I was smart then he was
mistaken.
I was enraptured by the boy. He could sell me to the circus for a penny and I
would happily skip off with the carnies without protest. I though that if he
could make me feel so giddy and stupid just by saying I was pretty imagine
the power he would have over me when we finally could kiss.
Finally kiss…
I referred to my list again. "Edward, you said that this was enforced until
your eighteenth birthday? When is that?"
"June 20."
"Oh, so…" I squinted one eye as I counted on my fingers, "twenty one
months? That's not so horrible."
"Well yeah, but when is your birthday?"
"It just passed last month….September thirteenth."
He shut his eyes momentarily before replying, "Then no… two years
exactly. You would still be a minor on my eighteenth." He gave me sort of a
meek smile, in effort to pacify me I suppose. "Happy birthday by the way.
I'm sorry I missed it. Did you do anything good?"
I shrugged my shoulders with the words two years exactly ringing in my
ears. "Oh…um, I went to beach and had a candlelight lobster dinner
overlooking the ocean at sunset. It was very romantic and really beautiful."
Edward glanced at me almost forlorn; his expression confused until I fully
explained. "But I was just with my mom and Phil, so... It was nice anyway."
"Sweet sixteen and you didn't even have a big party? We should celebrate."
He nodded firmly.
"No, I got a car instead of a party. Not that anyone would have come if I had
a party, but…" Edward cringed, realizing that he made the reference to
having a Sweet Sixteen when I had essentially no friends to invite.
He mumbled, "Shit…sorry," while shaking his head.
Edward turned off the highway into the cozy little harbor town, filled with
quaint shops and eclectic eateries. The walkways were crowded with
meandering people enjoying the rare rain free afternoon. We parked in the
lot, and Edward crossed the front of the car to my side, opening the door for
me. I almost blushed at the gesture, which was so gentlemanly and mature. I
tucked the list back into my bag, determined to get through each question
before the day was through.
Edward and I walked side by side into the town, gazing in windows, chatting
about benign things until I realized I was really hungry. There was a little
Indian restaurant that had just opened. Edward was surprised and actually
elated that I ate that type of cuisine as he explained that no one in his family
but Carlisle ate it, so it was a rarity that he was able to dine on that kind of
food.
We sat at a table on the outside patio that overlooked the harbor. Boat
engines steamed by, and the sound of gulls squawking in the distance filled
the air as we looked at the menu. We decided on an appetizer platter and we
would share our entrees because I had never tasted his lamb dish and really
wanted to try it. When she asked what kind of bread we wanted, Edward and
I both answered "Onion," in unison. We laughed because we knew funky
breath wasn't going to be an issue for us later on, due to the lack of kissing
that would not happen.
Oh, and plus I had tic tacs in my purse…just in case.
As she placed our drinks on the table, I smiled, pulling out my list again.
Edward rolled his eyes, dropping his forehead in his hand.
He peeked up through his fingers. "There's more?"
"Lots." I nodded eagerly, taking a sip of soda as I scanned the list for an
appropriate lunch conversation. "You aren't allowed to play baseball at all?"
His posture went ridged and he tensed up with his eyebrows furrowed. "Uh,
I wasn't allowed in Chicago, because I was no longer a part of that school
system and you can't play if you don't go to school there."
"But you can play in Forks?"
He gazed out into the water swirling his straw in his drink. "Yeah."
"And you don't?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
His eyes darted to mine. "It's complicated. I just…I don't know." He
shrugged his shoulders agitatedly, clearly wanting to end the topic.
"Listen, E. I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you…"
"No, it's fine. It's cool that you are interested, and I like having the air
cleared, but baseball is a sore subject for me. You can ask about anything but
that. Save it for another day, okay?" He smiled, letting me know that it was
hard for him to talk about, but that he would talk to me about it eventually.
Pacified, I relented quickly, changing the subject to a lighter topic.
When our food arrived, Edward split the two entrees into our dishes, sliding
mine toward me. I looked at my chicken with distain, realizing that I
couldn't cut it one handed. He picked up on my problem without me having
to say a word, because he had apparently already cut up all his meat and then
switched plates with me. And then as we enjoyed our meal, he tore off a
piece of onion bread dipping it in the little sauce cup of spicy green stuff that
came with the appetizers. He held the bread out toward me. Without
thinking, I reached to grab it from him, and he snatched it back with a smirk.
"No touching." So I let him feed me and it was sweet and weird and erotic at
the same time. God, he was beautiful. I could watch him chew all day
without ever getting bored. He had such nice table manners and always used
please and thank you when addressing the waitress. He also didn't talk
condescendingly to her and said, "Excuse me ma'am," when he called her to
the table for a soda refill. I don't know why but I found that hot.
I left the questions alone while we ate, just so we could laugh and enjoy the
meal without angst, because no matter what I asked, it always seemed to
turn into something that Edward was given a painful reminder of. Once we
were stuffed, he suggested that we walk around a while before getting
dessert.
We stopped in a little book store where Edward picked up a copy of The
Catcher in the Rye because he said he misplaced his last one and only read
up to the part where Holden was beat up by the prostitute's pimp. Intrigued
by prostitutes and pimps, I grabbed a copy for myself and though I protested,
Edward paid for both books. He also bought me a bookmark with a black
and white picture of a couple holding hands, and his eyes were sad when he
handed it to the cashier.
We stopped to watch a little concert on the City Pier before walking out to
the railing that overlooked the water. You could almost see forever in the
distance and it was clear and blue and so unbelievably breathtaking. I told
Edward it was my dream to own a home on a cliff overlooking the water like
that and he agreed that would be a beautiful thing to wake up to every day.
As we gazed into the scenery, Edward was quiet for a while, suddenly
seeming sort of lost and distant. I asked him if he wanted to go home and he
shook his head.
"I'm just… this is nice, you know?" He looked away from me, back out to
the view and whispered, "But I wish… " he shook his head, his words
trailing off.
"It's really nice, Edward. And it's okay. You don't have to keep feeling bad
about not holding my hand and stuff. I'll survive without it until we don't
have to anymore."
"Bella…I can't… I can't ask you to wait two years for me. It's not right. I
can't expect that you would put your fucking life on hold because I can't do
shit."
"Edward... are you kidding me?" I asked incredulously. "Who is putting their
life on hold? We're doing things any normal couple would except for the
touching part. It's not that big of a deal. There's plenty of other stuff we can
do. I mean look at those kids who make vows of abstinence. They are fine
and happy and sex free. Don't stress over it. I am here because I want to be
with you, not your hands."
Not entirely true, but…
"Thanks, Bella. For whatever it's worth, it means so much to me that you
feel that way." He smiled endearingly, pulling the pack of cigarettes out of
his pocket, and lighting one. "So, why don't you knock a couple more
questions off your list before we grab dessert?" he said, as we began walking
down the pier.
I asked him a few things about his life back in Chicago, what he was like
and who he was then. He told me essentially that he was very popular, that
he belonged to a shit load of clubs and school organizations and that his
school was a private academy so they were required to wear uniforms. I
made him describe the uniform in detail, while he looked at me confused
because I wanted to burn it into my brain…for possible future fantasies.
Once we got to the coffee shop, we waited in line and once we ordered,
Edward stepped outside to take a phone call while he smoked a cigarette. As
the order came up, I brought it to the table and knocked gently on the glass
window to let him know it was ready. He held his palm up, indicating he
would be five minutes, and I found my hand suddenly drawn to his. I
pressed my hand against the glass with a smile, as Edward paused talking
and placed his palm to the window, his large hand outlining my small one. It
sort of reminded me of a scene from a prison movie when the jaded lover
came to see her innocent man sent to prison for tax evasion. But really we
were in kind of a prison...trapped under Edward's restraining order in some
kind of torturous bizarre teenage love lock down....Our eyes met, and no
words were needed to say what we were conveying in that moment-
essentially we were connected; whether it was through glass or not.
He sat at the table, apologizing for his absence, telling me that sometimes
Emmett got nosy and chatty like a fucking girl, no offense. I laughed,
pushing the brownie sundae toward him. He put a heaping spoonful of ice
cream on his spoon and fed it to me, dribbling ice cream down my chin,
which he thought was hysterical. I chided him for being so messy and he
said as long as it wasn't on him than it was okay. He did mention that if he
could, he would have licked it off my chin. He was joking, but something
told me it had a good amount of truth behind it. I fed him as well, stealing
flirtatious glances at one another and shy smiles in between talking and
spoonfuls of ice cream. I was in sheer heaven.
When we were done, I glanced at the list without removing it from my
purse. I knew it was probably getting annoying, but he was surprisingly
patient and accommodating with my persistence in my quest for knowledge
of all things Edward Cullen..
"Edward, about the restraining order," I said quietly. "There aren't any
loopholes in this? I mean there's no way to lessen the sentence?
He leaned forward in his chair just a foot or so away from my face. "B, I had
an outstanding attorney and I was lucky to have gotten what I did. And
um…yeah. There is a loophole."
I cocked an expectant eyebrow, excited and hopeful.
"My lawyer says the only way out is to fucking…get married. Do you have a
white dress?" Edward smirked deviously, peering at me from under his
lashes.
I gasped. "I have five."
He laughed. "We can be in Vegas in about eight hours."
"I've always wanted to meet Elvis."
He cocked his head to the side. "You would actually marry me just to kiss
me?"
Yes. I would also shave my head and set fire to all my shoes if you wanted
me to.
But of course, once we were married, we would be doing lots more than
kissing.
I shrugged my shoulders cupping my chin in my good hand as I placed my
elbow on the table. "You have nice lips."
He groaned.
"What?"
"Don't do that." His face was serious.
"Do what?"
"That. Say stuff like that, all sexy and breathy. It… makes things hard."
Oh really? Does it now?
I pressed my lips together to fight back a smile and he groaned again,
realizing the sexual implications of the statement. "Bella, I didn't mean…
forget it."
Edward was blushing.
I could have gone hog-wild with that whole thing, but since it was a rare
moment for Edward to be truly embarrassed like that, I decided to let it go.
We walked around a little more, looking in shops and at one point, we
stopped at a handmade jewelry display in the town square. I fell in love with
a little sparkly crystal bracelet, which Edward insisted on buying for me.
I protested a little, but his quiet response was, "It makes me feel like a real
boyfriend if I do this shit." And because those words broke my heart, I let
him. Besides, I wasn't going to lie…I loved presents.
Loved them.
"Put out your hand," he asked. "Okay, don't move." He wrapped the strand
of green and silver crystals around my wrist very carefully clasping the two
ends together. He was so close that I could smell his cologne and his soap
and feel the warmth radiating off his body. It was maddening and sheer
torture. But what was worse, was the smile that was plastered all over his
face afterward. He was actually happy, and the thought that I was the reason
for that made me want to slam him against the wall and allow him to devour
me with his mouth and with his hands until I was screaming his name in
ecstasy.
Instead, we tried on masks at a Halloween costume display. He placed a
fluffy pink feather boa around my neck as he stood behind me, and I
carefully slipped a pair of black rimmed coke bottle nerd glasses with the
bridge wrapped in white tape on him. He even looked hot as a frigging geek.
We laughed a lot and I quit the questions, trying to keep the mood light and
playful for the remainder of the afternoon. Periodically, Edward would ask
about my hand genuinely concerned if I was in pain. But by late afternoon,
my hand was throbbing dully so I took another half of a Percocet, which was
really unnecessary because extra strength Tylenol would have probably done
the job fine.
I dozed off on the drive home, literally exhausted from everything. It was
one of the nicest days I had ever had and I was truly grateful for the
opportunity to spend the day with Edward, touching restrictions and all. I
felt like I had learned so much about him and even though it broke my heart
to know that he was hurting inside, I was hoping I could be a participant in
helping him heal. I mean, not that I had even the tiniest clue how to do that,
but seeing him smile around me like I had never seen him do around anyone
else, was short of miraculous in my eyes. He was letting his guard down
with me, and he wasn't nearly as tough as he pretended to be.
As we pulled into my driveway, he seemed a bit strange as he looked toward
his house. I got the distinct feeling that he didn't want to go home, probably
because of Jasper, so when I asked him to come in to eat with my father and
I, he accepted appreciatively.
As we walked through the doorway I said, "We're only having lasagna
leftovers." I felt bad that I was feeding him the same thing two nights in a
row.
He practically beamed. "Your leftover lasagna is a million times better that
whatever that whatever Esmom is making."
"Hey Edward?" I asked, as I turned on the oven and began pulling plates out
of the cabinets. "What's with the name Esmom?"
He chuckled as he placed the plates in three spots, and began to fold napkins
into neat triangles. "Oh um, well, Em and Jazz called her Esme when she
was their nanny and then after she and Carlisle got married it was just an
easier transition from Esme to Mom, therefore Esmom was born. I guess it
just stuck."
"Do you call your father Cardad?" Though I asked seriously, Edward
apparently thought it was hilarious and practically snorted as he guffawed.
"Uh, no, but I might start, cause that shit is funny."
Charlie pulled into the driveway and again, Edward immediately became
rigid. He sat down at the table, I think just to calm himself down and then
rose when Charlie entered. He was so damn polite it was sort of creepy and
very Stepford Child-esque. During dinner, as they talked about baseball my
eyes sort of glassed over and when I pretended to fall asleep at the table,
enhancing it by snoring loudly, they ignored me. Edward didn't curse once
during the whole meal and I was impressed at his restraint. However, I
probably shouldn't have been because he told me flat out that that he was
very aware of his surroundings at all times. He was always in control. That
scared me, and excited me equally.
Once we finished, Edward and I cleaned up, while my father disappeared
into the den to watch television. I made hot chocolate, and Edward and I sat
outside on the front porch swing drinking from mugs and sharing a blanket.
The one question I was dying to ask still lingered on my tongue. I debated
whether or not to ask, but the moment was really nice and I didn't want to
ruin it. Plus I was really afraid to find out the answer. He suspected that I
was being tormented by something and asked me to spill because my
fidgeting was apparently driving him nuts. So I sat back, turning my body
toward his and sighed.
"Was Charlotte the only person you've been with?" He shook his head, his
eyes darting to the wood floor. My stomach turned a bit, but I reined it in,
remembering that he had a past and it wasn't his fault. "How many girls have
you been with?"
"Just one other."
"Was she your girlfriend?" I could barely make eye contact with him.
"God, no. She's…her name is Tanya. Her parents are good friends with my
parents. We've known each other since we're kids." Edward shrugged his
shoulders and I felt immediate relief, be it minor.
"And you were together just once…or…?"
"Bella…do you really want to know this?" he asked, giving me a
compassionate look as his hands fidgeted in his lap. I nodded, pursing my
lips. No, not really, but yes definitely.
He huffed, leaning his head back against the swing cushion. "Tanya's family
and my family go on vacation together every year at spring break. We were
on a cruise to Hawaii two years ago, when our parents had gone out for the
night and we got the brilliant idea to play strip poker in the state room. She's
older than me and she had been fucking ...all suggestive and flirty the whole
week, so I don't know. I figured what the hell? We were…together a couple
of times during the trip and that's pretty much it. We email and shit now and
then, but I haven't seen her since, because with the move and everything that
happened last year, we didn't go on a family vacation. It's not a big deal."
I nodded, hurt without reason, but pacified. "So you don't love her or
anything?"
"No, hell no. I've never had a real girlfriend, never been in love before.
This," he passed his hand back and forth between the two of us, "is all new
to me. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. But..."
"But what?"
"Do you… I mean, are you… are we… fuck, this is awkward." He let out a
frustrated sigh, rubbing his hand over his forehead. "I want to be with you,
Bella."
My skin felt tingly and my heart sort of felt like it was melting. "I want to be
with you too, Edward." I smiled shyly, running the tips of my fingers over
my bracelet.
"But the thing is…even though we can't be together- together, I am gonna
freak the fuck out if you are with anyone else." He raised an eyebrow, in
what appeared to be a warning.
I raised an eyebrow back. "What does that mean?"
"Are we doing this? Me and you…us…together…?" His voice cracked a
little and he looked scared shitless.
I nodded and smiled, feeling beautiful and lovely and all his. As Edward
licked his lips, my eyes stared fixatedly on them, saddened by the fact that
mine were not pressed against them.
"Edward? On my eighteenth birthday, would you do something for me?"
"Anything."
"Would you kiss me right here on this swing?"
He nodded his head slowly, his expression forlorn yet sort of amused
simultaneously. "Trust me, I'm gonna do a hell of a lot more than just kiss
you. Make sure Charlie's not home that night." We laughed, both kind of
stunned by what he had said, though it was honest and sweet and I hoped it
was true.
We both rested our heads against the swing cushion staring at each other for
a long time, until Charlie opened the door to say good night and politely hint
for Edward to go home. Parting was what they would call "such sweet
sorrow," because it physically hurt to not kiss or hug after the day we shared
and the feelings we had admitted to one another. And it also felt wholly
unnatural not to, like being trapped behind a glass wall against my will.
Prison.
I knew this was just the beginning of a relationship that would likely see
many struggles, and part of me questioned whether it was even reasonable
for two teenagers to become so deeply involved with such strict limitations
placed on them. But it was done years ago, when it was considered impolite
to touch another person without their permission. It was not impossible.
Difficult yes, but not impossible.
We had made it through the day without touching once, while effectively
showing affection toward one another.
I blew a goodnight kiss to Edward, which was apparently our 'thing', and I
watched Esme greet him as he put his key into the front door. After I said
goodnight to Charlie, who thankfully did not give me the third degree about
Edward, I changed, checked my email and debated whether to text Alice and
Rosalie about my day.
They were well aware that I was hanging out with Edward, but I couldn't tell
them the reason we wouldn't be affectionate with each other. I had no idea
how long I could keep up the façade, because they were my best friends, I
hated lying and frankly, they were nosy bitches.
For a while, I laid in bed thinking about plausible excuses to explain for the
absence of physical contact between us. Nothing I came up with was
remotely believable. The only thing that made sense was to hide the
relationship all together and continue to behave as if we were just friends. I
hated lying, but I had to protect Edward.
I flipped through the first chapter of the book Edward and I got, but realized
I was too tired to read anything. I turned off the lights, snuggling under the
covers, thinking about Edward.
Dear God,
Please bless all the people in the world who have no food, clothing or
shelter, and give toys to all the little kids that have nothing to play with but
an old shoe. Please watch over my family and friends, and especially
Edward. He needs some guidance, and even though I know he doesn't pray
or anything, he could probably use a little miracle. Thank you for my day
with him…and thank you for allowing me to be happy again.
Amen
The following morning, Edward stopped by my house as Alice and I were
getting in my car. He was alone, obviously having not reconciled with
Jasper. I asked him if he wanted me to go to Principal Meyer to help him
explain, but he thanked me and said it would be best if he handled it himself.
People had heard the rumor on Monday, and by Thursday morning, we were
the talk of the eleventh grade, by mostly the girls. The boys didn't seem to
care as much, only giving Edward sporadic pats on the back and unmet
attempts at high fives in congratulations for his newly outed heterosexuality.
Edward and I shared shy albeit sexy glances in English, walking side by side
to lunch afterward. In the cafeteria, he looked so freaked out because of the
tension between him and Jasper, that I plopped myself down in the chair
next to him and ate my lunch quietly, while Jasper took it upon himself to sit
in my seat and entertain the girls. We endured a lot of stares and idle chatter
about the rumor that was circling, but Edward and I chose to just smile and
ignore the ignorant talk. Being stared at and scrutinized gave me an all too
familiar pang of anxiety, landing me right back in California the day after
the dance. Having us sitting together just fueled the fire, but Edward
whispered sweet, calming things to me, and as the panic subsided, all I could
focus on was his face. Everything melted away and I was fine.
In Bio, as we were subjected to another boring lecture, Edward rifled though
my bag looking for something. I kept taking notes when he pulled out my
hamburger pad, jotted something down and slid it along the table toward me.
I'm holding your hand under the table right now.
I smiled, wrote my reply, and slid it back to him. He lifted the spongy "bun,"
took one glance at the paper and tossed it back in my bag, covering his
mouth with a weird coughing sound. He glared at me, shaking his head as I
shrugged my shoulders innocently. I wore a smug grin, laughing to myself,
which was wrong, so very very wrong. But it was all worth it to see Edward
lose his carefully reigned in composure.
We hung out after school, in the tree house sans Jasper, who was suddenly
MIA. We never spoke of the kiss, but I did mention to Edward how Jasper
said he had only done it because I reminded him of Emily. I debated telling
Alice, but she was on a Rosalie-induced indifference binge toward Jasper
and Edward said he thought I should remain quiet about it until if or when
things ever became of them. No need to hurt anyone's feelings if there was
no reason.
Edward had therapy on Friday after school, which brought him home late
into the evening. Admittedly, I waited around for him to call me, before I
made definitive plans. I knew I shouldn't have been that reliant on him, but I
missed him every second that I wasn't with him and I didn't feel like going
out with the girls. Alice asked me to go down to the beach with her and
Angela because Rose was with Emmett. Once Edward did call, he sounded
tired and said he was just going to call it an early night. I was immensely
disappointed but went to the beach with the girls, only to be bored and
eagerly awaiting Edward's appearance, thinking he would have changed his
mind.
He didn't.
We spent Saturday together hanging out in his basement, watching movies,
talking and listening to music, and of course…getting high. The dynamic of
our relationship was that of friends, with an overt crush. It was limited to
that and we both struggled with holding back touches and caresses,
substituting a lot of flirting and smiles for the former.
Sunday afternoon, Billy had given me the day off because of my hand, and
Charlie was gone again off on surveillance of some shady dude suspected of
cheating on his wife with the housekeeper. Edward and I were in my kitchen
heating up tomato soup to go with the grilled cheese sandwiches we had
cooked together. He sucked at the cooking part, but was really organized and
regimented about setting up the supplies and ingredients and then just as
efficient with the cleanup. We were being silly and totally flirtatious, and
somehow everything turned into a sexual innuendo.
I was over the stove, about to spoon some soup into my mouth when I
spilled it on my chest, essentially burning my skin. I shrieked, pulling at the
front of the thin v- neck sweater I was wearing, not even caring that the bra I
had underneath was completely sheer, and I was probably giving Edward a
show. He panicked, grabbing a tray of ice cubes, and practically tossed a
handful down the front of my stretched out shirt. It was funny, but not, as I
was red and puffy and definitely burned. I pouted, rubbing ice over my
chest, as the little droplets formed a pool of cool water in the front clasp of
my bra while he stood there gaping at me.
I could see it in his eyes, Edward was weirded out. He did that thing with his
hands where he made circles in his palms and he just looked sort of spooked.
He apologized, said he suddenly wasn't feeling well, and he took off out the
door like a bat out of hell. I watched in disbelief out my living room window
as he vanished through the gate to his yard, heading straight to his room via
the balcony. I was annoyed at his abrupt departure, and even more so when I
saw that he had left his cell on my kitchen table.
I changed my shirt quickly, walking down the street to the side of his house,
taking the balcony stairs up the same way he went. I was just going to leave
the phone on his desk or wherever and go, because if he needed space or if
he wasn't feeling well as he said, then I didn't want to be a nuisance. Behind
the glass doors, I could only see Edward's legs stretched out on the bed, and
the television playing a movie. I knocked twice softly, before opening the
handle on the door and pushing the glass open, without waiting for a reply to
enter.
Edward yelled something that sounded like, "Jesus fucking Christ!" hastily
grabbing the comforter to cover his body with it. Something fell over onto
the floor with a thud.
"E, you left your phone…" I stood in the doorway, with his silver cell phone
paused in mid air, taking in the reality of what was happening. The bedroom
smelled aromatic- clean, fresh and very familiar. He was bare chested; the
roundness of his taught shoulders and the stark contrast of the black ink on
his arm stood out against the stark white of the bedding. Edward had one
arm tucked inside the blanket and the other balled into a fist over his
terrified face. Once quick glance, and I noticed the bottle of lotion on his
night table next to the bed.
My lotion.
It took a second to absorb before I placed the phone gently down on the long
dresser and crossed the room. Edward said, "Bella, you need to go, please."
It was an absolute whimper, a plea... he stared up at the ceiling with his arm
thrown over his forehead in a rigid position, as if every muscle in his body
was atrophied.
"Bella, I'm serious, you gotta go…NOW!" It sounded like he was going to
cry.
I was stunned and intrigued and definitely annoyed. But in the back of my
mind, once he confirmed it, I knew what he was doing…and I also knew
what I wanted.
My eyes shifted from the lotion, to the purple tube on the floor, back to the
comforter. With my hands on my hips; my tone agitated and huffy, I asked,
"Edward…did you seriously just leave my house to jerk off?"
"Oh my fucking god…" he groaned, covering his eyes in agony of the
embarrassment.
Confirmed.
"E?" I licked my lips, moving closer to the bed, staring in awe at the mini
lump in the linens where I estimated his crotch to be. I only hoped he
wouldn't freak out and think I was insane, perverted or sick or something.
But I thought, since I was standing there, and he was, well…obviously
naked, that it couldn't hurt to ask. So I did.
"Can I see it?"
~%~

I know…happy peen time! Just a warning…it will begin to get a bit

smutty from here on in. I am impressed with how long you guys have
stuck around with a story that has so little smut, considering many of
you came over from IBYLT and that was…well, nothing but dirty
lovin.'
And on a darker note, so many of you asked for the article that inspired
Edward's sentence. I can not for the life of me locate it. This however, is
just one of many real stories that have inspired Bella's situation.
As seen on The Today Show:
"The image was blurred and the voice distorted, but the words spoken
by a young Ohio woman are haunting. She had sent nude pictures of
herself to a boyfriend. When they broke up, he sent them to other high
school girls. The girls were harassing her, calling her a slut and a whore.
She was miserable and depressed, afraid even to go to school. And now
Jesse Logan was going on a Cincinnati television station to tell her story.
Her purpose was simple: "I just want to make sure no one else will have
to go through this again." The interview was in May 2008. Two months
later, Jessica Logan hanged herself in her bedroom. She was 18."

SM owns Twilight. I own the story and plot for High Anxiety.
Thanks as always to the readers and the rec'cers and all of you who
drop me Pm's and reviews and to my ladies on the thread...you pervy,
pervy things. You are all so lovely.
Thank you to Suzy as usual for everythng. ILY BB. Thank you to Erika
for beta'ing this chapter.

High Anxiety
Chapter 15~ Saved
Every sound monotone
Every color monochrome
Life begin to fade into the black
Such a simple animal
Sterilized with alcohol
I could hardly feel me anymore
Desperate, meaningless
All filled up with emptiness
Felt like everything was said and done
Nothing more to give
I can finally come alive
Your life into me
I can finally breathe
Foo Fighters~ Come Alive
~Edward~
My head was a mass of diverse emotions as the whirlwind surrounded all
my thoughts and quite fucking frankly, my goddamn overzealous libido.
My crotch was on fucking fire.
I wondered why the fuck she would show me something like that, especially
the day after I told her I couldn't even fucking touch her. Did she not
understand what the effect of allowing me access to naked pics of her being
the meat in a guy sandwich would have on me? Talk about fucking torture.
However, she immediately explained that the girl in the photo wasn't her;
something about her own boobs being smaller. Even though I had only seen
her bare boobs from afar, I wouldn't have immediately noticed the difference
if she hadn't pointed it out, because...I was just lost in a trance.
And yes, I was virtually heartbroken when she shut down the screen and part
of me wanted to ask her to forward the pictures for my viewing pleasure at
home. But at the same time, I was completely disgusted with the idea of her
ever being with one guy, never mind two at the same time. Girls like that
were whores, and Bella, my Beautiful girl, was not a fucking whore. I am
pretty sure that even if it were really her, I would have rationalized it in my
head, concocting excuses and plausible reasoning's until she was pure again.
The pictures were unbelievably realistic, that for a fraction of a second, I
thought maybe she was lying about them being doctored. But no, I knew
Bella wouldn't do that; she wouldn't lie to me. I faced fury as she explained
what had happened to her- the betrayal and humiliation over a fucking guy,
by her best friend.
I didn't understand girls at all. We were all made to believe that women were
highly emotional and sensitive creatures that had little in the way of logic or
reason, that they were small and meek and definitely the weaker sex, in need
of protection and guidance. Was that stereotype fucking inaccurate.
Evidently, the female species was vicious and vengeful, merciless, predatory
and definitely not weak by any means. Those bitches scorned each other to
the death. What the fuck happened to female bonding, woman's lib and girl
power and all that shit?
As Bella told me the details of her shitty life in California and what led her
to eventually find refuge in Forks, I was so goddamn saddened by it all.
Bella was tortured relentlessly for something she didn't even do and the poor
girl had barely even kissed a guy before let alone ever have the opportunity
to view a real live dick or "peen" as she dubbed it. I could barely get the
word out of my mouth, because I had no idea.
I mean, I thought for sure she left because of boyfriend issues. It never even
crossed my mind that she would be a virgin...a girl that pretty and
unassumingly sexy couldn't possibly not have experimented sexually.
I also found it highly interesting that she had panic attacks for the same
reason as I did- stress and anxiety initially brought on by stares and whispers
of mind-boggling fabrications and damaging lies by the people we had
trusted.
But what I could not believe was how composed Bella was in the aftermath.
She showed no outward signs of trauma from the events and I was really,
oddly proud of her for not allowing the disgraceful actions of others affect
her life. I am sure it was different for her back there, especially having to
live across the fucking street from the girl who ruined her life. But aside
from the scene on Monday in the parking lot and her mini freak out on the
first day where I helped her find the English classroom, I had never seen her
unruffled in the slightest. She did admit that her medication helped her
appear outwardly confident and "normal." This girl was a trooper…she was
strong and I fucking admired her for it, almost a bit enviously even.
I was an idiot. The sound of car tires gliding in on her driveway, and I
fucking fell apart when I heard Charlie pull up. Like a little kid caught with
their hand in the cookie jar, I lost it, looking for an escape route as fast as
fucking possible. Charlie didn't intimidate me or anything, I think I was just
so paranoid about being alone with his daughter in his own home that I
thought he would have my ass. It was a stupid reaction, but it was one that
was necessary after what I had to deal with every day.
The drive to Port Angeles was nice. The feeling of the openness and fresh air
together with the impressive speed of the little car and the brush of wind on
my face was consuming. Not to mention the girl I had happily placed next to
me, being the best part of the trip. I hadn't been in a convertible in a while-
dad rarely used the Porsche and none of us were allowed within ten feet of
it, since I had "borrowed" it for my trip to New York. Yeah, fun times.
Just another thing to feel fucking guilty for.
I glanced briefly at the list that Bella had created of questions to ask,
noticing that they were just thoughts and words jotted down on loose leaf
paper. She was trying to put pieces of the puzzle together. Truthfully, I was
impressed at how much she was able to retain considering she was drugged
up while I was giving her the verbal vomit of my fucking history. Even after
everything I told her, she was there willingly, smiling shyly, laughing and
being…Bella.
When I looked at her, something happened inside of me that I couldn't
explain. Like a light or a switch being shifted on, a power surge through the
network of my entire body…she was like sunshine peeking through clouds
after a week of rain, or a glass of ice cold water immediately after a long
run. She was my comfort, my relief, and fucking… my hope.
It was stupid, but yeah, I felt an intrinsic sense of hope with her. She made
me smile hard and feel so good on the inside and I felt the desire to do things
other than get high to pass the time. I loved being around her and
immediately felt depressed when we parted ways. It sucked, but it was cool
in a way because I had something to look forward to every morning….a
reason to get up… a reason to exist.
Aside from the incessant questions, which truthfully I didn't mind
answering, the day was fucking fantastic. I couldn't have asked for better
weather or better company. We talked a lot, getting to know each other,
sharing stories and of course, answering questions. Bella, always with her
questions. I took in and admired the little things that were easily overlooked,
things about her that I wanted to learn and absorb and memorize forever.
Bella pressed her lips together and scrunched her nose when she scanned a
restaurant menu, and she drank a sip of soda after every bite of her food. She
only looked in her little compact mirror once, and I think it was to check if
she had any food stuck in her teeth, but not to apply lip gloss or anything.
She danced unconsciously whenever she heard music she liked, not even
realizing she was shimmying her shoulders minutely or tapping her foot.
And it was funny because I noticed how she fucking touched everything.
At the jewelry display she touched all the little pieces within reach, as if
making contact with them would make a certain item call to her. In the
bookstore, she ran her hands along the spines of the books; she picked up
little journals and oddities that were on display. She played with the tassels
on all of the bookmarks in the rack, and the one with the couple holding
hands, she ran her finger down the front of its smooth surface, almost
longingly. So I bought it for her, along with the book that intrigued her so. I
loved that she wanted to read it just because I was going to…
Her eyes twinkled when I bought her the book and the bracelet, even though
she protested, I had to do it. There was so much I wouldn't be able to do, so
the things I could accomplish, I had to maybe overdo, simply to prove that I
could have a deep relationship without touching. Whom exactly I was
proving that to, remained to be discovered. I held doors open for her and
always let her walk inside before me. I wanted Bella to know that I was a
gentleman, even though I didn't act like one all the time, I was a good person
inside. At least, I wanted to be for her.
Bella fired away at the questions sporadically throughout the afternoon,
giving me small breaks in between and I had to admire her tenacity. The
only thing I couldn't talk about was baseball. When she brought it up, I
became uncomfortable because giving that up, leaving that piece of me
behind was painful and it was just hard to talk about. I don't think she could
even understand the passion that I felt toward the game and the tremendous
sense of loss, being told I was not welcome on the team that I had worked so
fucking hard to be on. And those guys, my teammates, my friends, turned
their backs on me without even saying a word or giving me the benefit of the
doubt.
Devastating wasn't even a reasonable emotion to describe what I had felt.
I would talk to her about it though, when I was ready, because Bella was so
fucking easy to talk with. She made me feel important and sort of special, I
guess, and I hadn't felt either of those things in a very long time.
When we were waiting in the coffee shop, Emmett called. I went out to have
a cigarette while he grilled me about what had happened- what she said,
what I said, had I kissed her or touched a boob or anything? He was
seriously worse than a fucking girl when it came to gossip, but I thought it
was cool that he even cared. I told him everything, how accepting she was of
what happened to me, and that she had also let me in on a huge part of her
own life, without giving Emmett details about the specifics of what she told
me. On the other end of the phone, he was practically squealing with
excitement, and I had to laugh at him being all excited and shit for me.
I think he was genuinely disappointed that we didn't kiss, but he knew me
better than to think I would cave and violate the rules after only a few days.
There was a good possibility that I would relent to some degree, I mean,
Bella was fucking beautiful and she made me crazy with desire. But the
control freak in me with an extreme aversion to eight by eight rooms with
bars was combating a vicious dual with the selfish sex starved teenager.
I had no fucking clue what part of me would lie down and surrender first. It
would be interesting to see what part of Edward Cullen's damaged psyche
survived to be the victor.
On a darker note, I had asked Emmett if he had seen Jasper at all, and he
said that Jazz was in and out, barely talking to anyone, and not home for
dinner last night. I knew that I needed to talk to him, I just didn't fucking feel
like having that shit ruin my high. It was already weighing on my conscience
too much like an annoying song lingering in the back of my mind, bothering
me and irritating me… a persistent itch I couldn't gain access to relieve.
But when our order was ready, Bella I shared a poignant moment. As she
raised her hand to the glass wall between us, I felt magnetically drawn,
compelled to place my hand on hers. My large hand engulfed her tiny one
and the look on her face was heartbreaking and echoed into the depths of my
fucking soul. I knew she was the one...the one girl that would change my life
for the better, the one girl that would leave her mark on me forever. It
terrified me and comforted me, knowing that I had discovered what I was
searching for, but I was only permitted to have a small part of it.
And that fucking sucked.
So, I asked her to marry me. Well, not so much as I told her there was a
loophole in the sentence with getting married. I teased her about having a
white dress and then she said I had nice lips all breathy and the sound went
straight to my cock.
What I didn't tell her was that I had looked up on the internet all the
individual state laws regarding marriage, just for the fuck of it a few months
back. Las Vegas was the only state that allowed a 16 or 17 year old to marry;
only requiring one parent to grant permission to the union. They didn't even
need to be present. Not that my parents would ever allow me to get fucking
married at sixteen years old for the sole sake of being able to fuck my
girlfriend, but I thought that if I could maybe work something out like
people did with illegal immigrants, that I could pay someone to be my wife.
That was before I met Bella, though. Now…now I would marry her just
because I lov…
No, no…
Yeah, maybe.
Oh fuck…Definitely.
But I can't say it out loud, not yet.
I want to.
But I can't.
Not yet.
Later, as she dozed off in the car, I touched her face gently and leaned into
her hair to get a whiff, placing a kiss on her forehead. She was pure fucking
heaven and I loved the feeling my body got when I smelled her sweet
Bellaness, and when my lips brushed her unbelievably soft skin. I just felt
fucking happy and shit, despite the unfortunate circumstances. I never
thought I would feel like this…so goddamn… alive.
Bella invited me in for dinner and I was elated, because I just didn't want to
face Jasper just yet. I would of course eventually, but I had such a great
fucking day and I didn't want to screw it up by being all emo and shit over
our brotherly angst.
I ate dinner at her house, bullshitting with her dad about baseball, and sports
in general, which was really fucking cool. I thought that it must irk the piss
out of him to have his ex-wife married to a highly successful pro ball player.
That has to suck. I mean, if she's going to walk out, then she should at least
have the fucking decency to find someone that you can make fun of- not feel
inferior to.
We sat on the swing for a long time, only the soft light from the porch
illuminating her face, the blanket between us, and mugs of hot cocoa
warming our hands in the chilly evening. I wanted to hug her so badly and
tell her how I felt about her, how fucking giddy I felt when I was around her.
It was hard to control the inherent urges…damn hard.
I explained that even after I turned eighteen, I could legally kiss her and
touch her, but probably wouldn't simply because I knew once I started I
wouldn't be able to stop. The desire to be inside of her would consume me
and take hold of me like a wild fucking animal. Then all I would need was a
statutory rape charge against me the second I was free of the restraining
order. We would just have to take it day by day and cross that bridge
eventually.
She brought up my past conquests, wanting to know specific numbers, and I
think she would have greedily eaten up details of the encounters had I
offered them. I was actually ashamed to tell Bella the sordid details of that
week on the cruise.
Tanya was just an old friend, like a buddy's hot older sister or the slutty
neighbor that you watched from across the fence wishing she would just let
you cop a feel. She meant nothing to me, though she was fucking hot and
very sexy, I had no feelings for the girl, whatsoever.
As I told Bella the truth, I remembered the details, inwardly cringing. We
were on that cruise, just having left Maui. The three of us guys and Tanya
and her twin sister Irina, spent the day at the beach, swimming and
snorkeling and shit, and it was pretty fucking cool. Except for the goddamn
sand which I hated with scornful vehemence.
Tanya was all over my shit that day, throwing complements and overt sexual
innuendos left and right. Secretly, I was hoping I would get laid, as I knew
she was experienced and I didn't want my first time with a girl I really cared
about to be a fucking disaster. Our parents disappeared for the night leaving
us in our suite, and Emmett was off banging some girl at the teen club on the
Lido Deck. Somehow, after playing a few rounds of strip poker, I ended up
making out with Tanya, while Jasper got a fucking blow job from Irina in the
bathroom.
It was my first time, and I was fourteen, scared shitless but too embarrassed
to admit it to her. She was sixteen, and hadn't been a virgin for a while. I
don't really know exactly how things unfolded, I just remember her telling
me she wanted me bad and so I eagerly let her show me the ropes. She was a
great teacher, patient and very informative, telling me what she liked and
didn't, and what to do with my hands and stuff. We'd fucked two more times
on that trip and I wasn't going to lie, it felt fucking fantastic, even though I
lasted all of ten seconds.
But that was the last time I saw her because that following summer the shit
happened with Charlotte, and well, the rest is no secret. Tanya called me
once in a blue moon when she was drunk and she and I emailed every so
often, but that's all there was. She was away at WSU, loving her sorority,
and sleeping with all the frat guys, last I spoke with her.
Bella didn't seem too bothered by it. In fact I think she was relieved that I
didn't have a long list, and especially that I had never been in love, nor did I
ever have a real girlfriend before. She was my first, and after she agreed that
we were in fact "doing this", I would be her boyfriend.
When I left Bella's, I felt unfathomably miserable saying goodbye to her, the
aching and longing writhing deep within my stomach, even though I knew I
would see her again in only a few hours. She was my addiction, like a drug
that I couldn't say no to, couldn't get enough of. I needed her scent and her
smile and the sound of her laughter to breathe. I was fucking pathetic, and I
was… in love?
Is that what this was? Because I had never felt anything before even
remotely close to what I was feeling with Bella, the twisting and the
butterflies in my stomach, the fuzzy, tingly feelings all over my body when I
pictured her face in my mind. All of it, what I thought and what I felt and
what I wanted to do with her and to her but couldn't… was strong enough to
knock me on my ass. I was stupid to question what I was feeling, even
though it was so soon. I mean, my mom knew before I even did when she
met me at the front door that night all giddy and elated and asking a billion
questions like a gossipy teenager.
But this girl made me weak with want and while the thought was utter
blasphemy, I think my fucking situation may have been a blessing in
disguise because otherwise I'd have my tongue or dick or my fingers in any
given part of her twenty four seven.
And that was a motherfucking fact.
~%~
Thursday morning was irritating to say the least. I met up with Bella, trying
to dissuade her from coming to the principal's office to help fix the mess that
was made. I knew she felt like she needed to make amends in righting the
wrong, but it thought it would be better if I handled it myself.
Cautiously, with my heartbeating hard, I entered the main office, asking the
general secretary to see Mrs. Meyer. When I told her my name, her eyes
widened slightly and she nodded, using the phone to alert Mrs. Meyer of my
presence. I was led into the office immediately, a thin sheen of sweat
forming on my brow.
"Ah, Mr. Cullen, just the man I wanted to see. Have a seat." She motioned
for me to sit in one of the two leather chairs that were situated before her
desk. As always with this type of furniture arrangement, I sat in the left
chair, and I don't know why I chose the left, I just knew that it always had to
be the left. I made eye contact with her briefly before sliding into the seat
with my hands clasped in my lap.
"How are you these days? Everything going well?" Her tone was genuine
and I appreciated her not being immediately accusatory or condescending.
"As well as can be expected," I responded softly. She nodded curtly in
acknowledgement.
"I, um…I'm here because I wanted to let you know that a rumor was started
accidentally and I thought I should clear it up with you before it was blown
out of proportion." I offered her a meek smile, feeling like a fucking child.
"Edward, I appreciate your candor and the effort you took to see me before I
had to call you in. I did hear about the rumor, and trust me; I understand that
things can get out of hand. He said, she said, they said…it's very
complicated sometimes. This is however, just a rumor?" Mrs. Meyer's eyes
narrowed slightly, taking in my rigid posture.
"Yes ma'am. My friend Bella just said it to shut up some people who were
talking about me derogatorily, but she had no idea about my situation. It was
a mistake." I shrugged, hoping I wouldn't get Bella in trouble for this. I
debated telling her that she and I were a couple, but I really didn't want to
have to explain the mechanics and the dynamics of the relationship to her
when I barely understood them myself.
"Well, good. I am glad to hear that. But truthfully, Edward you don't really
have anything to worry about. Your grades are exemplary, your attendance,
lack of latenesses and your generally academic record is one to be extremely
proud of." She stood, walking over to her file cabinet and pulled out a blue
folder. As she thumbed through it, she sat on the corner of her desk and gave
a pointed glance my way. I suddenly felt cornered.
"I've taken the liberty to go through your transfer files from your previous
school in Chicago. It seems you were quite the student there. Freshman
Class President, Debate team, National Honor Society, Leader's Club,
Yearbook, volunteer with the blood drive, school newspaper and literary
magazine…you even helped with creating sets for the school musical." Her
face was covered with a weird smile, as if she had discovered the Principal's
fountain of youth.
I sort of looked around the room aimlessly. What was her fucking point?
"Uh…I was tied by a point for highest Freshman class GPA with this girl.
My English teacher said she would give me extra credit if I helped with the
sets." I nodded my head like an idiot. "I used to be sort of…competitive."
"I also see that you were some ball player. Forks High School could use
some new blood on the team, Lord knows they are trying. I would very
much like to see you participate in some after school activities and maybe
consider joining a team or two. You have too much potential to waste by
doing nothing with your time, Edward."
I shrugged my shoulders, knowing that it wasn't going to happen. "Thank
you, Mrs. Meyer. I'll consider it." We discussed colleges for a few minutes
and after I lied and informed her that I was looking into medical schools, she
forced back a smile. The truth is that I wanted to go to med school but had
been sidetracked by everything that happened, and I wasn't actively looking.
I also knew that if I wanted to get into somewhere decent, I had no choice
but to participate in extracurricular activities. Sure as shit, Harvard and
John's Hopkins weren't even going to consider me without a slew of colorful
extramural stuff on my record. I just didn't fucking feel like doing anything
except smoke weed and hang out with Bella. And I still had senior year to
worry about that crap.
"Have a great day, Edward. Oh, and try to remember there is no smoking on
school grounds." Mrs. Meyer gave me a stern look before I thanked her and
left. I really felt badly after that, knowing I had blown it so out of proportion
and yelled at Bella. Our concurrent Monday afternoon panic attacks were so
unnecessary, and I felt like shit for putting her through hers.
Later on, when we were in lunch, I felt the stares and the whispers like dark
rain clouds overhead threatening to rain down in buckets. I had been feeling
that shit all day, a tight squeeze in my throat and chest, and it reminded me
of being in school when all that fucking bullshit surrounded me in Chicago.
Bella was having a lot of anxiety over it. The situation with Jasper was still
awkward and fucked up, so when she took her lunch tray and sat at the table
with me, Jasper stood and took her place at the girl's table.
I asked her if she was okay, when I knew she wasn't, but I kept telling her
that she was fine and that she was so fucking pretty and that I couldn't wait
to take her out again. The more I whispered, the easier she was distracted. I
think the sound of my voice or the soothing tone helped her, or maybe it was
just my fucking french fry breath on her face that was slowly luring her into
submission, I don't know. But I told her how badly I wanted to kiss her and
hold her hand and give her a hug, and that I was counting the days until I
could do just that. Her body eventually relaxed, my words offering her
comfort and security.
I did good.
I was also fucking hard as a rock talking about kissing and touching her. So
in Bio when I grabbed her stupid hamburger pad from her bag and wrote
how I was holding her hand under the table, I fucking almost passed out
when she slid it back. I opened the bun part and it said,
I'm on my knees between your legs with your peen in my mouth.
God, if only that were true. I knew she was teasing me and she was fucking
smug about it, smirking and thinking she was all funny, only I was hard
again and it sucked. And then for the rest of the day, all I could see was her
face staring up at me between my legs, her big brown eyes framed by thick
lashes as her mouth engulfed my cock.
I would not make it two years because I would be in fucking jail by
Christmas.
Friday, I drove to Port Angeles by myself for the first time since we moved
to Forks. Jasper always accompanied me to therapy sessions, just in case I
couldn't handle the drive back. One time, while we were in Chicago, I had a
session that practically gutted me. I had an attack so badly afterward that I
was in bed all fucking zombied out on Valium for two days. Since then my
parents refused to let me go alone. I actually rather liked the company, and
missed it on that day.
I was also nervous, because I knew I would be discussing my relationship
with Bella, and I was very curious as to what Dr. Kate would have to say
about it. I wasn't sure if she would get all weirded out thinking I was
breaking the rules or something.
But as I explained what was going on and what had happened over the last
three days, we never got to talk about Bella really because she bombarded
me with questions about the exact nature of Jasper and my relationship. It
was so fucking emotional and hard to talk about, just knowing that this kid
that I loved hated my fucking guts for ruining his life. She brought up the
fact that maybe Jasper was emotionally disturbed by the ramifications of the
trauma I went through, and she thought that personally, our family should
have all been in therapy as a group.
I left feeling like shit, and just really wanting to avoid everything and sleep.
Actually, I wanted to be with Bella, but I didn't know if I was strong enough
to be around her in my state. I felt vulnerable and I thought I might
subconsciously try to get some affection from her. I fucking missed the hell
out for her though and halfway through the night I regretted not asking her
to come over. Still, I hoped she was having a good time at the beach with her
girls.
Saturday was very cool. We watched a movie, played some video games in
the basement and smoked up a little in the tree house. We kind of bummed
around, ordered a pizza and just talked. It was cool that we didn't need to be
doing something every time we hung out. I mean, sure I wanted to take her
places and stuff, I was just glad that she wasn't one of those high
maintenance girls that needed constant entertainment.
It was good, just she and I, no more secrets, just us.
But then Sunday afternoon, Bella called to let me know Billy had given her
party to the other girl because Charlie mentioned her injured hand. I
immediately cancelled my plans of working out, reading my novel and
jerking off, to go hang with her. We didn't even smoke, we just hung out in
her living room, watching cartoons and ridiculous infomercials.
I helped her make lunch, which I was getting pretty good at. She liked when
I set up all the stuff on the counter and she thought it was entirely too
fucking funny when I lined up everything according to height, making sure
all the labels faced outward. She mumbled something about "Sleeping With
the Enemy," and I laughed aloud, knowing exactly what movie she was
referring to.
I was starving and the grilled cheese sandwiches looked and smelled fucking
mouthwatering. I couldn't wait to dip it into the soup she had boiling in the
pot on the stove.
Before we even got to taste any of it, she spilled it down her shirt, screaming
from the burn. I panicked, tossing an entire tray of ice cubes down her
stretched out sweater. She screamed when the cold hit her and I tried not to
laugh at the comedy of it all, ice flying all over the place, her sweater
hanging off her blotchy chest, me just feeling awkward and stupid... and so
fucking turned on.
I might take a moment to mention here that the sweater was thin, black and v
-neck. Really v-neck, almost down to the middle of her cleavage. Her boobs
were all pushed together and were peeking out the top of the v, beckoning
me to touch them all fucking afternoon.
In her haste to get relief from the burn, she pulled the top of the sweater
down, revealing a black bra that was motherfucking see through. I could see
everything, and more. Trust me, up close was nothing like I imagined. Her
breasts were goddamn fantastic and her nipples were so fucking…pert.
To make things worse, she was rubbing the ice cubes all over her blotchy red
chest, making little whimpers and moans in the process. The water beads
were slowly trickling down into her cleavage, pooling in her bra.
She had no idea what she was doing to me obviously, because my mind went
blank and I sort of stood there gaping at her, feeling all tingly inside as my
dick swelled. Before I even knew it, I mumbled something about not feeling
well and sprinted the fuck home, bypassing even my front door because I
had no idea who was in the house, and I didn't want to be caught with a
ginormous chubby ripping its way through my pants.
I stripped off my jacket as I climbed the balcony stairs, shoving the key in
the lock in my door, and bursting inside. Within record breaking seconds, I
was naked, having thrown my clothes neatly over the arm of the couch and
debating whether I wanted to alleviate the pressure in the shower or the bed.
Deciding against the shower, simply for lack of desire to redo the fucking
hair again, I grabbed two hand towels, one damp, one dry, and flicked on the
television to mute before I locked the door and made myself comfortable.
Using a mixture of equal parts lube and lotion, I slathered my rock hard cock
with the liquid immediately throwing my head back at the sensation. God
that smell…so fucking Bella.
I wondered if they sold chocolate scented lube…
Fucking felt so damn good. A few long, slow strokes and the perfect visual
of Bella stripping off her black sweater made me groan a little aloud. I
gripped the shaft firmly in my fingers squeezing as I neared the engorged
head, in which the slit was filled with a slick puddle of precum.
In my head, fantasy Bella was unclasping her bra and just about to take it
off, when the sound of light rapping at the door was sort of muffled by the
arm that I had thrown over my eyes. I was too lost in the visual of the ice
cubes sliding across Bella's bare breasts, around her perfect nipples to realize
that it was actually her at the door.
She stood there mumbling something about my phone…her words were sort
of garbled and took a few seconds to register as they waded through the
depraved images and thoughts in my brain. I threw the covers over my
nakedness in sheer mortification begging her to leave, hoping and praying
she would just think I was sick and go. I had no idea at that point how much
she had witnessed and I wanted to fucking die right there, covered in lube
and lotion with, my hand wrapped around my stiffy.
But no…not Curious Bella.
She crossed the room, refusing to leave as I'd asked, or demanded, rather,
and I knew, I fucking knew she wasn't going to let it go. "Bella, I'm serious,
you gotta go…NOW!" My voice cracked as I was seriously about to fucking
cry.
She stood at the side of my bed with her hands poised on her hips, her foot
tapping agitatedly. She was fucking pissed…
Fuck she's done with me, disgusted and thoroughly repulsed.
In a tone that suggested an extreme level of irritation, she asked, "Edward…
did you seriously just leave my house to jerk off?"
"Oh my fucking god…" I groaned aloud, throwing my arm back over my
eyes in just raw mortification.
How the fuck do I get out of this?
"E?" she said softly, as I peeked out from under my forearm. I was blushing
hard; I imagine my skin was the color of a fucking watermelon. Bella took a
few steps closer to the bed. Her eyes were fixated on the covers, directly
where my dick was. The hollow of her throat bobbed as she swallowed, and
her eyes seemed alight with fascination or something.
"Can I see it?"
Huh? Can you see it?
See what? My hand wrapped around my DICK????
"What? NO!" I squealed, my fist tightening as I sat up momentarily in a fit
of incredulity. "No, you can't see it! Bella, please just go, I am begging
you…please." I was whimpering pathetically, almost in tears. Partly because
I was humiliated beyond reason, and partly because I need to get off so
badly that even her intrusion hadn't lessened the throbbing ache or the
enormous hard on I was sporting around my fingers. I think my dick was
turned on by mortification.
"Please?" she asked sweetly, sitting on the edge of the bed, a few inches
away from my knees.
"Bella, I am not…are you…why do you even want to fucking see it?"
"You know I've never seen one before. Come on, you don't have to be
embarrassed. Everyone does it." Her fingertips grazed the top of the
comforter slowly. The pressure wasn't enough to actually make contact with
my body, but my dick didn't fucking care. It twitched and I gripped it harder
to stop it from being noticeable.
"Everyone?" I opened one eye scrutinizing her. What the fuck did that
mean? Did it mean what I thought it meant? Please if there is a god…
"I do it all the time," she whispered, with a little shy smile on her lips. My
eyes widened automatically as her gaze met mine. "What, you think teenage
boys hold the monopoly on masturbation?" Her face screwed up as her
eyebrow quirked.
She fucking touched herself?
My hand slid down my cock involuntarily at her words. She saw the covers
wiggle slightly at the movement and smirked. "You touch yourself?"
She bit her lip shyly and nodded. "Please let me see it, E. You know if things
were different I would have probably already seen it by now…and maybe
even touched it."
Fuck.
My hand tightened around my dick again, instinctively stroking a few times,
as I inhaled a deep, staggered breath. I didn't know whether I should let go
and let her view it without my fingers around it, but part of me…the sick,
hormonal, demented part was hoping she'd want to watch me get off.
I squeezed my eyes tightly and whispered, "Fine. Go ahead…look." She
smiled all wide eyed and absolutely giddy, slowly moving back the covers,
her face alight with the anticipation of uncovering a new found treasure. I
closed my eyes shut again, leaning back into the pillows, not wanting to see
her reaction or her disgusted face once she really saw with her own eyes. As
the comforter moved away, the cold air hit my groin immediately and the
scent of her perfume wafted in the air.
She gasped.
I cringed.
"Oh wow...it's so big! Is that normal, I mean are they all so big?" Her voice
was laced with awe and disbelief.
She thinks my cock is fucking big.
I just shook my head having no idea how to answer that because yeah, it was
big, but not like, abnormally large. I wasn't a freak or anything. I was feeling
so fucking exposed and vulnerable…and oddly turned on. Again, my fingers
tightened around the shaft and stroked upward.
Stroke, stroke.
"God, your body is…amazing, wow. What do you think about when you do
this?" she whispered. I opened one eye to look at her. She was gaping at my
cock, all wide eyed and dumbfounded.
You.
Naked.
Stroke, stroke.
"I don't know…" What the fuck was I supposed to say to that?
I jerk off to various images of you naked and in compromising positions,
Bella.
She sighed. "Do you ever…think about me?"
"Uh…yeah?" It came out more as a question because I mean, did she not
understand that it was the exposure of her breasts that led me here at this
very moment?
"You do? Do you think about me…naked?" Fuck, yeah. I fondled it a few
more times, aware that she hadn't said anything about me stopping, nor did
she appear disgusted in the least.
"Do you ever imagine me doing things to you?" She was so fucking innocent
and sweet while asking these almost childlike questions and it was such a
motherfucking turn on, it was ridiculous. I felt shameful…but not enough to
stop.
"Yes," I answered simply, rubbing my thumb around the slick head in a
circle. She leaned forward, craning her neck to get a good look at what I was
doing. Truthfully, I was hoping that maybe she was trying to observe for
educational purposes, for the future. It was still embarrassing, but really, she
was right. If things were different, we probably would have explored each
other's bodies a little by now. I sure as hell know I would have made a move
to assault her tits at the very least.
"Like… what do you imagine me doing?" her voice was sultry, breathy, silk
on skin.
Well, where do I start…I see you wet and dripping up against the tiles in the
shower, leaning against a Ferrari, bent over my couch with your perfect
naked ass in the air, on the bed with your legs spread wide open and fucking
dripping wet for me, stripping out of a tiny bikini, in nothing but those red
fuck me boots on your knees blowing me…do you want more, Baby?
"I don't know, B. I think about… having sex with you and… you on your
knees with me in your mouth and...fuck…what do you think about when you
do this shit?" I was getting sort of annoyed, not at her questions, but because
I really just wanted to fucking finish. And also, I was goddamn starving and
I knew those grilled cheese sandwiches were still at her house uneaten. The
faster this got done, the faster I fucking got fed.
"Well, sometimes I imagine how you would take all my clothes off really
slowly, and just touch me all over…with your mouth." Her voice was sweet
and melodic and went straight to my balls. My dick twitched again, sending
me a little nudge to keep playing.
Tell me more, Beautiful.
Stroke, stroke.
"Yeah? What do I do to you?" I hedged, hoping she would get specific.
"Well, you kiss me a lot and you whisper things in my ear and then you …"
She sort of giggled shyly, "Then you lick my boobs and I watch you do it
because your tongue is amazing."
I slid my hand up the shaft and back down again, picking up speed. The
smell of the perfume was intoxicating as I had my eyes closed imagining her
acting out the scene she was narrating; her voice giving me chills and the
will to fucking go forward. "What else, Beautiful? Tell me more."
"Well then, you suck on my nipples and you bite them a little too and I moan
a whole lot and you tell me you like it when I make happy sounds."
Oh my god.
I opened my eyes to see her dragging her short nails over her thighs which
were tightly pressed together. Her face was flushed slightly, indicating that
she was turned on by the dirty talk.
I immediately became excited, realizing that this opened a whole can of
worms, because one, even though she was a virgin, she had obviously
watched some porn or something to know what the fuck to do and two, she
definitely knew what she liked and wasn't afraid to verbalize it, and three,
she was fucking great at telling me and four, we could have fucking sex
through the phone and shit.
Fuck… the thought of being able to get off at the same time as her was mind
boggling and something I'd never even considered. This could get very
interesting…
Bella's eyes were sort of hooded, her cheeks and ears pink and rosy, and her
chest was still red and blotchy from the burn. I stroked faster, watching her
as she watched me. Her eyes glanced to my face and she licked her lips. Her
hands lifted off her thighs as she squeezed her fingers open and shut, she
whined, "Ohhhhh… I want touch you so bad."
Fuck me…
"Touch your tits, Baby." I whispered it so low, that I wasn't sure if she even
heard me, but the second she began to untie the belt on her wrap around
sweater I fucking melted into the bed. I had unconsciously called her
Beautiful, and Baby in the last seventeen seconds and she didn't flinch at
either pet name. My heart began to race harder, and I felt clammy and
sweaty and downright euphoric.
She licked her lips as her little hand tentatively reached into her shirt, pulling
the two sides of the little black fabric apart to reveal a plain black bra. The
sweater slipped off her silky shoulders and onto the bed in a pile. She never
broke her gaze from my eyes, like I had her mesmerized; in a trance. Bella's
skin was a creamy peach and no longer tan like she was when she first got
here, and I liked it so much better.
Her fingers twisted the little silver clasp in the center of the bra, and her
fucking tits popped out with a little bounce. My breath hitched while I
continued to caress myself and I whispered, "God you are so fucking
beautiful."
She smiled shyly, almost reverently taking the words in. My wrist was
fucking killing me but I continued to jerk it faster and faster, moving my free
hand to cup and squeeze my balls in my palm.
At that point I had not an ounce of pride left and I was just going to do
whatever it took to finish the job. Bella's fingertips swept the skin of her
beautiful breasts delicately in a circular motion, her thumbs dragging over
her nipples once. The sight of that brought me over the edge and before she
could even really touch herself further, my torso jerked up slightly as the
upsurge became so fucking unbelievably intense I could have screamed in
sweet agony. Letting out a massive, guttural groan instead, I came furiously
into my hand in five of six quick bursts.
I couldn't even look at her face, knowing the shame I felt for not only doing
this in front of her but getting her to participate. I grabbed the damp towel,
wiping myself off, figuring she was the one who asked to see it and I didn't
force her to do anything she didn't want to. It was stupid to feel embarrassed.
"Can you grab my clothes over on the couch please?" I asked, as I finished
shamelessly wiping up. She turned, gathering up my stuff and handed it to
me. She was still topless, with her front opening bra hanging on her arms.
She moved to close the bra, but I said bravely, "Would you leave it just like
that for a few minutes for me?" It was a brainless move because having her
all exposed like that was just too fucking tempting not to touch. She nodded,
sitting on the couch, as she leaned back into the armrest. She was so
goddamn sexy it was a crime not to be able to fully enjoy all of her.
"That was…" Bella inhaled and exhaled in one big breath, "awesome, E."
She folded her hands in her lap.
"Yeah?" I asked, feeling a little cocky and suddenly causal and nonchalant
about the whole thing. "You liked watching me?" I asked, pulling on first my
underwear and then my jeans.
She's my girl, she saw my cock, she watched me jerk off.
And she liked it.
"Yes." She waved her hand over the area between my tattoo and the piercing.
"This…is just …" She moaned a little, biting her lip, and then dragged her
nails over her thighs again indicating that she was still wound up. I was the
only one who had gotten off, so why wouldn't she still be? I was so fucking
selfish.
"Bella, I understand if you need to leave to…go…take care of things
yourself." She rolled her eyes and shook her head at my suggestion. I handed
her the sweater, which she took gingerly, and placed it in her lap. Then,
dropping to my knees in front of her, I placed my hands on the leather on
either side of her legs. I fucking loved being so close to her, though it was
the worst kind of torture.
"Maybe some day, you'll want to…watch me too?" Bella's shoulders sort of
pulled together in a shy shrug as her eyes met mine. I blinked at her a few
times, trying to thoroughly absorb what she said.
"Fuck. Bella. You…would do that…for me?" Bella shook her head slowly,
letting a wry smile creep over her mouth. I chuckled out loud, thinking how
fucking perfect it was that my girl was not only horny, but kinky as well.
"But maybe next week or something, because right now…isn't a good time."
I nodded, wondering what she could have planned for the day that was more
important than getting off before I realized that probably meant she had her
period. I shamelessly watched her slip her sweater back on, smiling the
whole time at her lack of shyness. She was so much cooler than I ever
thought possible.
"Do you have any idea how fucking gorgeous your tits are. I mean, they are
fucking perfect tits. Perfect."
Should I have called them boobs? She referred to them as boobs, was tits too
vulgar?
Her eyes widened as she averted her gaze to her hands and then looked up
sheepishly through those long lashes.
"Thank you," she whispered smiling, though I wasn't sure if she was
flattered or embarrassed.
I sat on the couch opposite her for a few minutes as we talked openly about
what had just happened. Bella explained that she was just really curious
about sex and that seeing me do that was fascinating, and beautiful and not
at all disgusting. She also let me know that she was pretty open about sex in
general, and didn't get easily embarrassed by talking about it with the girls.
I asked her if she had ever seen any porn, which she said she did, but only on
Cable. I thought that was good, because the stuff on late night television was
soft core and depicted the couples with a lot more affection and love. The
real shit was aggressive and graphic and if you had never experienced any
type of physical intimacy with anyone else, it could definitely come off as
scary. I didn't want her to be exposed to that, thinking that was what sex was
really like, even though it was depicted realistically for the most part.
We stared longingly at each other for a while, feeling giddy and weirded out
in a good way about the step forward we had taken. Then she said she was
starving, and the two of us went back to her house, where she reheated the
soup and sandwiches and we ate.
Actually, she ate. I scarfed my food down so quickly that she barely had a
bite in her sandwich before I was done and eyeing her pantry for Oreos.
She looked at me in mid chew with her eyes wide. "Did you even eat at all
today?"
"Yeah, but…cumming makes me hungry," I responded, shrugging my
shoulders. I suddenly felt so much more relaxed around her, especially since
I used the word, "cumming" without even thinking about it. That opened the
flood gates because from then on, the sex talk was free and flowing steadily
between the two of us.
She laughed, muttering, "Okay. I'll have to remember that."
The rest of the week was just good, I mean really fucking good. The staring
and whispering and shit died down to nothing at school, even though Bella
and I were together ever minute that we could be. No one really fucking
cared about it after a while, I guess.
By Tuesday, I still hadn't spoken to Jasper, except for me muttering, "What's
up?" in the kitchen that morning, which he ignored like a fucking stubborn
little baby.
Whatfuckingever.
Bella had made an appointment with my dad at his office to have her stitches
removed, so we drove into Port Angeles together after school. I actually
needed to get weed from my guy there, but I didn't dare do such a thing with
Bella in the car, so I knew I would have to make the trip another day. I was
running low and I wondered how much Jazz had left in his stash.
She asked if afterward we could go to the mall to check out Halloween
costumes for Tyler's party when we were both finished with our respective
appointments. The party was three weeks away, and it was all everyone had
been talking about, as if it were the highlight of everyone's year. It was sad
really. In such a small town, where nothing ever happens, the smallest, most
trivial things were the cause of extreme excitement and anticipation.
Tyler had one the previous year before we had moved to Forks. Apparently,
the talk was that he had this huge ass basement and his parents were all into
the holiday like it was a religion or some shit. They went way out with the
decorations, and they even turned their shed into a hunted house with fog
and shit. It sounded pretty fucking cool.
I knew Rose and Em were going dressed as a couple, but I didn't know if
Bella would be into that at all. I really didn't like to dress up, to be honest,
not since I was a kid anyway. I felt like it was corny and dumb, but she
seemed so excited about it, I couldn't tell her otherwise. The last thing I
wanted was to be her killjoy boyfriend.
I stopped for gas and cigarettes before we headed into Port Angeles. On the
drive Bella was throwing out a ton of random costume ideas, none of which
I really was enthusiastic about. I was listening, or trying to, but somehow I
always seemed to get distracted by something, whether it be her lips, or her
cleavage, or the way her legs looked in a skirt. I especially liked those long
ass socks she liked to wear. They reminded me of thigh high stockings, the
ones with the garter belt things and the lace. If I had any sort of luck on my
side I would get to see her in those in real life someday, not just in my
fantasies.
I shook my head to rid the imagery, and just said, "Let's go as a couple,
something together." She smiled wide and beamed, clapping her hands
excitedly before going through a verbal list of couple's costumes. I figured it
would make her happy and I didn't care really.
"How bout bacon and eggs? Bonnie and Clyde? Bert and Ernie? Colonel
Sanders and his chicken?"
"You would go to a party dressed as a chicken?" I eyed her skeptically as she
shrugged chuckling. "B, I honestly don't care what you put me in, just don't
make me look stupid…or gay. Like, I'm not going dressed in tights or
anything….or in drag. And I'm not wearing fucking makeup on my face or
any kind of hat…or stupid shoes. And I want to be comfortable."
She grumbled something under her breath. "What about a pilot and a
stewardess, or a doctor and a nurse?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "Nah…nothing too sexy. I can't walk around with
a raging hard on all fucking night and not do a goddamn thing about it." The
last thing I needed was to have her parading in one of those slutty costumes
and dealing with half of Forks high school eyefucking her while I had to
stand a foot away from her forced to watch.
"Shit E, you are awfully irritable today," she huffed, sulking in her seat. I
looked over at her, as she sat staring out the window with her arms crossed
over her chest.
"Sorry, B, but I don't really like going to therapy and it puts me in a bad
mood. She's going to make me talk about the shit with Jasper and…I don't
mean to take it out on you." She continued to scowl, not looking at me. Bella
had been badgering me to start a conversation with him to make amends, but
I just couldn't. "Wanna get ice cream after we look for costumes? Would a
new pair of shoes make you feel better?" Her expression softened, a smile
breaking through.
"You owe me for your crankiness."
"Owe you? What does that mean, I owe you? What do you want?" I asked,
even though I was so wrapped around her little finger that I would give her
anything she asked for, I really would.
"Hmmm." She tapped her index finger against her lips. "Three kisses should
do it." I looked at her with my eyebrows furrowed, confused as all hell. She
rolled her eyes and rummaged through her bag for the hamburger pad.
"Here." She scribbled on the paper before tearing it off. "It's an IOU. I will
redeem it when the time comes."
"Oh, so what…you're running a tab?" I smirked at her.
"Yup…but I think I'll save them all up because, like ten kisses can equate to
a sexual favor. So if you get enough IOU's I can get anything I want from
you…" she raised her eyebrows suggestively, effectively causing my junk to
harden in my pants.
"Yeah, well then the same goes for me. You better be on your best behavior
or you'll be spending a hell of a lot of time on your knees."
I pulled into the newly constructed brick faced building that was my father's
office. He shared his practice with an ENT, a pediatrician and an OBGYN. It
was quite the set up they had going, sort of a one stop shop, if you will. All
they needed was a cosmetic surgeon, and they would be golden.
I ushered Bella inside the enormous, modern office, greeting the receptionist
before I whispered to Bella that I would return for her in an hour. There were
a few quaint shops along the strip, which I knew she was eyeing on the way
in, so I told her to call if she finished early or if she needed me and I would
cut my session short.
My father came out to say hello, all the nurses making a big fucking fuss
over the novelty of me and Bella. I was embarrassed and it was really
goddamn stupid. I hated leaving her there with all that hoopla, but I really
did have to go.
When I entered Dr. Kate's office a few minutes late, I removed my coat,
hung it over the chair and sat in my usual spot. Things began as usual, with
Dr. Kate cheerful and smiling while hovering her pen over that legal pad of
hers, waiting for me to spill my weekly escapades. She reviewed her notes
from the previous session, which were mostly on Jasper and what happened
with him regarding Bella and our issues.
I thought that maybe she could have done a better job of hiding her
disappointment when I informed her of my lack of communication with my
brother, but she clearly was not happy after the ideas and brainstorming of
information she thought we came to an agreement upon in the last session. I
had said hello to him once, and he ignored me.
In an effort to redirect the topic of conversation, I gave her the rundown of
what was going on with Bella, all except for our afternoon with the soup and
lube. She did not need to know any of that. The whole story, from start to
finish took the entire fifty minutes, and the session was over before I knew
it. I had done the majority of the talking, just retelling the things that were
going on in our newly formed relationship. She wrote like a lunatic,
scribbling furiously and hardly pausing to even make eye contact, which I
personally, had gotten much better at.
She asked if I found it difficult to maintain the not touching rule, and I was
honest, telling her yes, but we were both doing a fucking outstanding job of
showing each other affection and whatnot without the use of physical
contact. She was slightly concerned that I was buying Bella so many gifts,
and she made a point to inform me that I could get the same message across
by doing things that did not cost money. I really didn't understand the point
of that, but whatever, she was the one with the university degrees and I was
just some stupid, fucked up kid, so who was I to argue?
At the end of the session, she pulled open her file drawer, rifling through it
before handing me a pink sheet of paper.
I glanced at the heading in bold. 101 Romantic Things to Do With Your
Sweetheart.
"This might come in handy. You won't be able to do everything on that list,
but I think it's a good resource and something you may want to refer to if the
two of you get desperate for ideas. Have a great week, Edward."
After I thanked her, I said goodbye, feeling for the first time in a long time
like the therapy was starting to feel worthwhile. I mean, I wasn't there
because I thought I had anything wrong with me- I was there because it was
mandated, but I wasn't too arrogant to realize that I did have underlying
personality issues that could stand to be worked on.
When I called Bella, she was at a little clothing boutique down the street
from the doctor's office. I met her inside; soaking in the beaming smile she
immediately rewarded my presence with like a sponge.
"Hey, Beautiful," I whispered into her ear from behind, as she slid a few
twenties across the glass counter.
She shivered, replying in a breathy voice, "Hey, Hotness." Bella
unconsciously pressed her hips into the glass display case in front of her.
The young sales girl behind the register shot us an embarrassed smirk. To
anyone else we were fucking like wild animals behind closed doors. It was a
sad, sad reality.
I took her purchases from her and examined the barely noticeable scar on her
outstretched hand that she proudly displayed like a war wound.
My father hardly left any signs of sutures, and it just looked like the top
wrinkle in her palm was more prominent than the others. I knew from years
of experience from my mother's random palm readings that the top line was
her heartline, the indication of her future love life. Internally, I wondered if
having the alteration to that part of her hand would influence the outcome of
what the original, unaltered heart line's fate had intended for her. Not that
any of that crap was even true, but you never knew.
When we got to the car, she pulled out a sparkly pink top, holding it against
her chest, all proud that she bought it on sale. When she presented a pair of
matching pink high heeled stiletto shoes, I almost choked, imagining her
wearing that outfit. I told her we had to go somewhere appropriate for that,
and I knew just the place.
She was giddy after her shopping high and I just laughed at her, enjoying her
happiness. I liked that she was so girly and feminine, and she didn't put up a
front about it. I also liked that she was always so happy, or so it appeared
that way, and she didn't let much of anything faze her. Unlike me on the
other hand, who was always irritated or pissed or annoyed about something.
I would have to make it a point to pay more attention to that and try not to be
such a fucking whiny punk.
We stopped at the mall, browsing the costumes, but the selection was limited
and there was nothing either of us found particularly appealing. We
abandoned the search and ate Mexican instead.
So much for that excursion. It was probably our best bet to head into Seattle
for anything of real quality in the way of costumes. On the way home, Bella
spotted the folded pink paper from Dr. Kate stuck between the seat and the
center console.
She unfolded the sheet, her eyes scanning the length of it. "Hey where did
you get this?"
"Dr. Kate said it might help if we need ideas or we get desperate," I
answered, regurgitating my shrink's words. "She's very supportive of…us." I
smiled, feeling like a fucking tool for getting excited over the fact that there
was an 'us'.
She asked, "Did you look at it yet?" I shook my head no. "It's got some great
stuff here, but a lot of it we can't do because it involves touching. Some of it
is sort of stupid too. Like…number 74. Call your girlfriend from your
vacation spot to tell her you were thinking of her. Seriously, I would just be
pissed that I wasn't there with you and you were calling me to rub it in my
face that you were in the tropics or something and I was stuck in this rain
hole and then I would totally obsess with why I wasn't invited on your
vacation and that would just suck."
"Okay, so no to number 74," I chuckled softly. "What's a good one?"
"Ummm…number 1 is Watch the sunset together. I like that. Number 8 is
Cook for each other…we both know how that turned out last time," she
giggled and rolled her eyes. "Oooh, 22, Find a nice secluded place to lie and
watch the stars…that's nice, we should definitely do that." I nodded in
agreement, veering off the exit ramp toward the highway.
"Keep going."
"Ummm…29. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight. 31. Write
poetry for each other."
"Nuh uh…I hate the sand and poetry is not going to happen. The shit that I
write will make you cringe…Bella, Bella, I like the way you smella. Really
glad I could be your fella."
She wrinkled her nose. "That was absolutely terrible, don't ever recite one
your poems to me ever, ever again."
"Roses are red…" I teased.
She waved a finger at me. "That's it! I'm charging you three more kisses."
She pulled out the slip from my pristine unused cup holder, scribbling out
the three and writing six in its place. Then she waved it in my face.
"Oh, like it's such a huge sacrifice to owe you kisses and sexual favors," I
said sarcastically, rolling my eyes. In a tiny pleading voice I chuckled,
"Don't punish me...please don't make me kiss Bella or do pervy things to
her."
She clicked her tongue, ignoring me. "Number 41. Talk to each other using
only body language and your eyes. Yeah, that's all we do already. Okay, 100.
Stand up for him when someone talks trash." She nodded vehemently at the
already accomplished task while I laughed at her enthusiasm.
"78. Tell each other your most sacred secrets. Been there…done that. How
about number 36? Tell her that she's the only girl you'll ever want and don't
lie." She grinned at me widely, turning in her seat to face me.
"That's too easy. Bella, my sweet, you are the only girl I have ever wanted
and will ever want again. You are my heart and soul. That is a fact." I looked
at her briefly before turning my gaze back to the road. Her head was cocked
to the side, all nostalgic and shit.
"Really Edward? You mean that?" She blinked a few time, and I swear she
was getting teary eyes.
"Hell yes, I mean that. You make me stupid happy, and you are all I think
about. It's kind of pathetic, really," I teased, rolling my eyes. It was all true,
every single word. I probably should have felt awkward about being so open
with her like that, but since the day she caught me in my room, there was no
awkward left. We were open, honest and tried to be very candid with each
other with everything, even sex. It felt good to not have to hide anything.
She leaned her face against the seat, looking at me. "I feel the same way.
You make me smile even when I'm not thinking of anything funny. And
when I see you, I feel like… happy and tingly and stuff. Is that weird?"
"No, it's not weird, because I feel like that too. You know your face lights up
when you see me. You have no idea how…fucking great that makes me
feel." That was the best part of my day, seeing her face when I approached.
She was genuinely delighted to see me and I wondered if it had always been
that way or if it was just recent.
Bella smiled shyly, looking down at the list again. I wanted to hold her hand
or run my fingers along her arm or something to show her how much she
meant to me. All in due time, I thought, feeling as gloomy about that as the
weather. The mist that was covering the windshield turned into a sudden
downpour, blurring the roads in sheets of water.
"Hey Edward, can we do number 17?"
"Of course," I replied, not even knowing what the hell 17 was. I turned on
the wipers full speed and released the gas pedal to slow down. "What's
number 17?"
She giggled, turning back toward me. "Sit and talk in just underwear."
"We can do that sure, but it might be risky. I'm not sure you can control
yourself around my gorgeous biceps." I winked, snickering.
She shrugged her shoulders rolling her eyes emphatically. "Into yourself
much? Oh, oh ! Number 20 is my absolute favorite. Find out her favorite
perfume and use it to masturbate with."
I reached over, sliding the paper from between her fingers. "It doesn't say
that." She erupted into a fit of giggles and proceeded to outline the list of
things she had full intention of doing once we could finally be together. 2.
Take showers together. 81. Act out mutual fantasies together. 99. Sleep
naked together.
I loved them all and was eager to cross off all those numbers from the list.
But my favorite of all of them was number 24. Kiss at every chance you get.
Because even with all the sexual stuff listed, the first thing I wanted to do,
the thing I craved most above everything else, was to kiss my beautiful girl
on her full, soft lips. I couldn't fucking wait to have her kiss me back.
~%~
It was Thursday. Bella announced that she was joining the yearbook club,
after Angela enticed her with the promise of full veto of any god-awful
pictures of her entering the book if she joined. After what Bella had been
through in the last year regarding picture taking, she was all too eager to
have a preview.
I think Bella also really needed the time to be with girls bonding and shit,
and as much as I missed her, I figured I should probably start hanging out
with the guys more often too. I drove into Port Angeles to my weed guy,
bought enough to last at least a month, and headed back home. It was just
starting to get dark, and the air had a definite chill present that wasn't there a
few days ago. It was going to be a long fucking winter.
I spotted the basketball nestled in the corner of the garage doors when I
pulled into the driveway. No one was home inside, and I didn't feel like
going into an empty house. I slapped the ball against the pavement a few
times, walking out toward the street where the net was mounted. I threw it
forward, jumping up as the ball propelled into the backboard. It rebounded
off the plastic with a smack and then a vibrating sound, back into my
awaiting hands.
I was feeling fucking depressed and I didn't know exactly why. Maybe it was
the fact that I missed Bella's company? Maybe it was that there was no one
home inside and the house was cold and dark? Maybe it was the lack of
communication between Jasper and me, all that animosity lurking and
hovering over my subconscious.
I threw another basket, finally getting it inside. A car turned onto the road,
and I recognized the headlights with just a cursory glance.
Jasper drove by me slowly, pulling into the paved driveway parking next to
my car. The purr of his engine and the blaring music cut abruptly when
Jasper emerged from his car. I didn't look at him, just bounced the ball a few
times before I threw it again. I missed.
In my periphery, I saw him walk toward the house, halting at the front steps
and turn. His hand slid into his pocket as he watched me, I suppose maybe
he was waiting on me to initiate some dialogue, to make the first move. He
tentatively stepped forward a few yards, looking like he might want to
speak.
I tossed him the ball.
Startled, he caught it, stuffing his keys in his pocket, and loped toward me
slowly with his long denim covered legs.
"I saw J.B. today. You need?" I said, as he bounced the ball in my direction.
His eyebrows raised in surprise. "Uh, yeah. You got enough for me?" he
asked sounding hopeful, before tossing the ball into the basket. It spun on
the rim, slipped through the net and bounced back into the street.
"Of course. Don't I always?" I smirked, catching the ball as it bounced
backward.
"Yeah, you do. Thanks…Bro." He turned to me with the ball frozen and
pressed into in his gut, his lips mashed together. "Listen E… I uh…I know I
have some shit to work out, and I'm trying to, you know, not be such a dick.
I'm fucking real sorry about everything."
I exhaled, surprised at his admission and nodded. "Yeah me too. I …I didn't
mean what I said about Em. She loved you and you were good to her. And I
am so fucking sorry for…"
Jasper cut me off, before I could apologize yet again for breaking them up.
"I don't blame you for that," he said softly. "It wasn't your fault. And just so
you know, I only kissed Bella because she was upset and she was crying and
I didn't know what else to do. I don't feel that way about her at all, it's just…
she reminded me so much of Emily, that I …" he trailed off, looking down at
the street.
"Bella loves you, E. I can see it in her eyes, she fucking lights up just when
your name is mentioned." Jasper laughed, a sound which was like being
welcomed home after a long, long trip away. I really fucking missed him.
I sort of looked down embarrassed, shuffling my feet. "Yeah, I'm pretty
crazy about her too."
"So things are cool then with you guys?" Jasper spun the ball on the tip of
his pointer finger. When we were kids, I used to be so jealous that he could
do that so well and I couldn't. I think my fingers were just too damn long.
"Real good," I replied, shoving both hands in my jean pockets. "We're trying
to figure out the not touching each other shit, which sucks like a
motherfucker by the way, but yeah, we're doing okay."
Jasper nodded, smiling a genuine- seriously happy for me- smile. "So listen,
there's this fall festival thing in Sequim this weekend and I was thinking of
asking Alice to go. Girls like that shit, right? You think you and Bella might
want to join?"
"Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?" I smirked, teasing him about suddenly
losing the Xanax title, and acknowledging for once that she did have a real
name. "Yeah, I'll ask B."
"Alright, cool. I think if Bella goes, Alice will be more likely to say yes. I'm
not her favorite person right now, but I like her. And I uh…I sort of missed
hanging out with your pansy ass." He smirked, tossing the ball into the net
again.
"Pansy?" I raised an eyebrow, challenging him. "How's your mouth there,
buddy?"
He smirked, all cocky and shit. "Fucking perfect. Your eye?"
"Never better." I pursed my lips, holding back a smile.
"So you wanna smoke?"
"Fuck yeah, but let's order a pizza too, before Mom gets home and makes us
eat those shitty garden burger things." I pulled out my phone, scrolling
through the address book as we headed to the back yard walking side by side
toward the tree house.
"She's gonna put alfalfa sprouts on them again, isn't she?" Jazz asked, taking
the bag of weed from my outstretched hand.
"Alfalfa sprouts, poison ivy, doesn't really make much difference. The taste
stays in your mouth for a fucking week." We laughed together, things back
to normal, and right between us finally.
Jasper tossed the ball haphazardly into the yard, where it rolled next to a
tree, wedging itself between the uplifted roots waiting for the next time its
owners required mediation. Hopefully, the issue had been lain to rest, for
now at least.
~%~
I posted the full list of romantic things to do on the thread. It's not mine,
I don't know who the original author is but I thank themfor letting B &
E use it.

Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
I hate this song, but the lyrics are fitting for this chapter. Updates may
not be as frequent as they have been because my two year old stopped
napping and the little fucker is a demon, so I have to be on constant
watch for things like him writing on my walls and my bedspread with
Sharpie marker and shoving things in his nose which inevitably
interrupts my writing time.
Thank you to everyone who has been reading and reviewing, favoriting
and alerting. I am completely overwhelmed. Special thanks to
Feathersmmmm who rec'ced this on her awesomely hilarious story,
Edward Wallbanger.
Thanks to Suzy for making this better than I could ever do on my own
and to Becca for proofing. BTW, there is an outtake from Jasper's Pov
on the night he kissed Bella. You get a glimpse of who he really is, and
that he isn't such a huge douche. Click my profile.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 16~ Sweet Dreams
I mention you when I say my prayers
I wrap you around, around all of my thoughts
Boy you're my temporary high
I wish that when I wake up you're there
To wrap your arms around me for real
And tell me you'll stay by side
Clouds filled with stars cover the skies
And I hope it rains
You're the perfect lullaby
What kind of dream is this
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare
Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you
Beyonce~ Sweet Dreams
~Bella~
"So listen, all you need to do is take pictures of school activities and sports
events, and of course, candid shots of random stuff. It's really a lot of fun,
and we only meet once a week on Thursdays until four and I know one of
you has to have a camera. Please, please, please?" Angela was begging, her
fingers laced together shamelessly pleading for any of our voluntary services
for the yearbook club.
"And you can veto all the horrible half closed eyed pictures of you and
guarantee only the most flattering will go in the book." Her usually sweet
voice was extra sugar coated this afternoon.
That statement piqued my interest, but not enough to draw my attention
away from the show that was currently owning the majority of my focus.
"Don't look at me Ang, I would love to help but I have to work on
Thursdays." Alice seemed genuinely remorseful in her rejection. I really
wished she didn't have to work so much but I understood her reasons. I gave
a tremendous amount of respect to Alice and her mom for being on their
own. I knew they both worked so hard to make ends meet while saving for
Alice's future college expenses. That made me want to give her more since
she genuinely deserved it and never expected anything from anyone.
Rosalie bit into a pickle with an obscene, sloshy crunching sound that
reminded me of a sloppy kiss or what oral sex might sound like. "Sorry
Babe… Volleyball." Her words were garbled, all full of pickle.
I glanced at her briefly with disgust, before peering across the table back at
Edward, who was trying to be discreet about cutting a pizza bagel with a
knife and fork.
"Bella? Please?"
Angela again. Like a fucking mosquito. Where's the FUCK OFF spray when
I needed it?
Can't I just gape shamelessly at my man in peace dammit?
I groaned loudly, finally relenting. I had been on the Yearbook committee at
my old school before all the drama occurred and I had a blast, truthfully. The
staff were also invited to things like upperclassman's functions, and we were
excused from class for pep rallies and assemblies just to take photos. I loved
taking pictures… well, I used to anyway.
I was curious to see if Edward would want to join with me. He mentioned to
me that he used to belong to all sorts of clubs at his old school, but I
wondered if he realized that he would need this stuff on his transcripts for
college.
Me and E in the dark room…closed in…tight quarters ...developing
pictures...
Oh forget that…everything is digital now, remember?
"Fine," I replied curtly, not breaking my gaze from Edward's fine specimen
of smoking hot boy in designer clothes. He narrowed his eyes and smirked at
me, while shoving a bite of pizza into his mouth. Watching him chew was
like viewing porn. The line of his jaw, all clean shaven and taut, pulsing as
his teeth gnashed inside. I felt a little tingle in my lower belly, heat
concentrating right between my thighs. I sighed aloud, crossing my legs as I
tried to bat away images of Edward lying naked in his bed, with his hand
wrapped around his stuff.
Once he licked his lips suggestively, I lowered my gaze at the table,
snickering at his devious ways. A slight shiver ran up my spine, and I heard
him chuckle when he saw my shoulders tremble.
Damn him.
Since four days ago, at his house when I had discovered him involved hands
deep in self-stimulatory activities, our relationship had been elevated to a
completely new level. That afternoon, the sole reason I all too willingly
allowed him visual access to my boobs when he asked, was because I
thought it only right and fair. After all, I was given privilege to witness a
very personal moment between him and his right hand.
So you know... an eye for an eye and all that shit. However, I guess in this
case it would be a peen for a boob. Semantics.
Initially I was a bit annoyed and rather shocked at the whole thing. But soon,
sheer fascination and curiosity overtook the astonishment at the stunning
sight of his naked body and his ginormous peen incased in his long slim
fingers. He was…beautiful and fucking sexy as hell.
While he had continued to touch himself without seeming to have further
indignity over my presence, I was somewhat flattered that he would feel
comfortable enough to allow me to bear witness to his sordid private
activities. When I had caught him, I knew he was beyond mortified, but it
seemed as my curiosity and acceptance grew, his embarrassment abated into
just…primal lust of a teenage boy.
He was so unbelievably handsome, with his face all flushed and slightly
sweaty while he watched me with hooded lids as I touched myself at his
instruction. His voice was husky and sexy and at that moment I'm sure I
would have done anything he asked of me...sexual or otherwise. Now I
completely understood how Bonnie never turned down Clyde.
That was a monumental first. I had never done such a thing in front of
anyone else before. Alone, yes, plenty of times… my hands were my
boobie's best friends at the moment, but in front of Edward…that was…
well, I honestly have no words. I would be lying if I said it didn't turn me on.
A lot.
Nevertheless, since that day, things had rather heated up. There were lots of
sexual innuendos, and of course my little notes to him in Bio. He would
write that he was doing something sweet to me, like kissing my neck, or
rubbing his hand on my knee and I would respond with something vulgar
and obscene.
Yesterday, he scrawled in my hamburger pad, I just tucked a strand of hair
behind your ear.
I replied before sliding it back to him, I am bent over the lab stool…and I
forgot to put on panties today…OOPS!
He growled at me, stalking off to the bathroom in frustration, while I just
laughed at him darkly. It was mean, but incredibly fun at the same time. I
was behaving like a total tease and had yet to show him the goods, though he
had not asked for a peek. I wanted to, I really did…but I was kind of afraid.
I suppose he was waiting for me to initiate it, and truthfully, I was nervous
about it. How did one just start touching themselves in front of their
boyfriend? Did I just get undressed and do it? Should I shave or wax? I
mean, I kept it all neat and trimmed down in the lady zone, but no one ever
saw it but me. Did he like "hardwood floors" or a little "carpeting?" Maybe
he was into that horrible seventies shag? No, no way in hell… he was very
neatly "manscaped" and it made me wonder how long he had been self
grooming the jewels.
That was definitely going to be an interesting topic to discuss. I wondered if
I could just casually bring it up on the notepad of sexy innuendos and wait
for a tell tale reaction.
It was something I probably could have asked the girls, but they were in the
dark as far as Edward and I were concerned. The last thing I needed was to
let them know that my "boyfriend" did not touch me or kiss me, just happily
jerked off in front of me, and was patiently waiting for me to reciprocate.
Yeah…that was another conversation to look forward to. Shit, I was here
almost a month and my sex life had gotten impossibly complicated.
And nothing had even happened.
With my chin cupped in my hand, I was captivated by Edward currently
licking the pizza sauce off his fingers… slowly, sensually, deliberately. I
believe it was a way of enticing me into making good on my promise-
getting me riled up enough to get naked in front of him.
Jasper was engaged in a deep conversation with Ben and Mike at the
opposite side of the table, leaving Edward all alone. It bothered me that
Edward always seemed so disconnected from everyone else, except Jasper.
Now that he and Jasper were at odds, Edward truly was alone.
Jasper occasionally glanced over at Alice, who would discreetly squeeze my
leg under the table whenever he did it. I had to give it to her…she was
playing it real cool to him, acting all bitchy and indifferent as per Rose's
instruction, but exploding on the inside. After school, she would rattle off an
exact count of how many times he looked at her, talked to her, or brushed
past her, and how many of those she feigned indifference. At this point, she
was cold as ice. I wondered if she had some kind of stick tally or something
going on the back of her notebook.
Edward was watching me watch him with a playful smirk on his face. I
returned the smirk, licking my lips overtly yet demurely, while he chuckled
and looked away slightly embarrassed. I didn't realize it, but my whole table
was watching me watch him.
"Oh yay! Thanks Bella, we're going to have a blast," Angela beamed next to
me, while I gave her a sarcastic thumbs up, not looking away from Edward.
She hugged me exuberantly, muttering something about having to take pics
of the band practicing in their new uniforms.
"Woo hoo, new band uniforms. Forks fashion week...stop the presses," I
heard Rosalie drawl sarcastically. She could be a bitch sometimes.
I didn't particularly care, because my thoughts and my eyes were engaged.
Rose slid her chair uncomfortably close next to mine, while Alice inched
closer on my other side. Taking their cue, Angela leaned her torso over the
back of my chair. Their heads suddenly were next to mine, three streams of
hot pizza bagel breath in my ear.
"What the fuck is going on with you and him?" Rose said, a little too
accusingly for my liking. I scowled, rolling my eyes in her direction. Edward
and I had agreed to keep things simple for the time being, not letting anyone
know we were a couple…because technically, by teenage standards we were
nothing if we weren't fucking…or at least copping feels. If those people only
knew we had shared something much more intimate. Though I had a strong
feeling it was going to get way more involved.
I couldn't find a plausible excuse for the fact that Edward and I did not touch
each other, so I decided to leave it alone until absolutely necessary...but
these prying bitches would not relent. They had been eyeing me the whole
week, talking about me as if I weren't there. I did my best to avoid the
subject, distracting them with talk of shoe shopping and Halloween
costumes.
I was forced to pull out the big guns at lunch the previous day…asking what
"tea bagging" was, even though I was well aware of the definition. Anything
involving peen or balls made them shift gears as if they had been entranced
by a shiny new object glittering in front of them. I made a mental note to see
if I could find a bedazzled peen to whip out and wave at them whenever they
got too nosey.
"Do you think they are fucking? I mean, look at the way he looks at her...like
he wants to lick her pussy clean. Look…he's seducing the fuck out of her
with a goddamn pizza bagel on a fork right here in the cafeteria."
"Shut it, Rose." I flicked her forehead, causing her to draw back a little,
muttering "ouch." It didn't fend her off for long.
"I don't know. I think they are at the stage right before they fuck…so maybe
they have done other stuff, but not the actual deed," Angela added matter of
factly, as gave a knowing nod. "Bella would definitely have told us about his
peen. I bet it's large."
"Oh yeah, his hands are a clear indication of the junk magnitude. But why
are they hiding it? I mean obviously they are crazy about each other. Every
time I turn around he's up her ass, but always leaving just enough room
between them. It's weird. Like they are together, but deliberately hiding it."
Alice tapped her fingers on the table, glancing at me expectantly with one
eye narrowed for some kind of clarification. I was surrounded by the
Twilight Zone version of Forks' Charlie's Angels...trying to solve the case of
the mysterious disappearing peen.
Edward noticed that we were all staring at him, and that I was obviously
being given the third degree. He stood up uncomfortably, slung his bag over
his shoulder and tossed the contents of his tray in the garbage. He exited the
cafeteria without looking at me or saying goodbye to anyone.
Fuck. Now he's pissed…thanks bitches.
Rose twiddled her finger in Edward's direction. "Bye, bye Edward. You sexy,
mysterious monster- peened bastard." She puckered her lips and kissed the
air as he disappeared through the doors.
"You do realize that's your boyfriend's brother? You think Em would like
you talking shit about Edward's man meat?" I snapped. Rose just rolled her
eyes and waved her manicured hand dismissively.
Angela dragged my chair back a foot to scoot her chair in front of me. "You
don't hold hands and I've never seen you kiss or anything, yet you guys hang
out every day after school. What's up with that?"
Alice gasped. "Oh no! He's got a secret girlfriend back in Chicago, doesn't
he? Two timing fucker!"
"Can you guys shut the fuck up, please?" I hissed, glaring at them all. "He
does not have another girlfriend, Jeez. Can't you guys take a hint to mind
your own business?" I huffed, crossing my arms in front of me.
"What did Emmett say when you asked him about it?" Alice leaned on her
elbow, looking past me to direct her question toward Rose. The fact that they
were pretending I wasn't even there was not only annoying as hell, but was
going to get them all slapped.
Rose let out an exasperated sigh before rolling her eyes. "He said he knew
nothing about it and then he started licking my ear trying to distract me."
"Did it work?" Angela's eyes went wide.
"Yeah. He's got one long ass tongue." Rose and Angela's hands slapped
together in a dainty high five.
"Oh really?" I asked all wide eyed to feign interest, but not really having any
desire to be given a visual of Emmett's tongue talents. Anything to move the
topic off of Edward and me. "What does he do with that tongue?" At least
Edward didn't have to worry about Emmett's allegiance. These girls would
sing like canaries the first chance they got.
A wry smile crept over Rosalie's face as she leaned forward, ready to divulge
some of her sex life details when her eyes suddenly narrowed at me. "Oh…
nice try Virgin Mary. I'm not that easily sidetracked. By Em's tongue maybe,
but not by you."
"Please, Bella? We're your best friends. Tell us what's going on." Alice
whined with her bottom lip protruding.
"Alright look." I leaned back in my seat, staring at them all wide eyed and
eager to hear any dirt I was willing to dish. I knew this would be difficult,
but I wasn't left with a real choice here. I told Edward if it came down to it, I
would be forced to tell them the truth, omitting the grittier details. He agreed
to whatever made me comfortable, as long as I didn't portray him as a freak
or let the girls know the legal aspects of his offence. "It's very complicated.
All I can say is that …Edward…is …abstinent." I closed my eyes, awaiting
the aftermath of that statement.
"Abstinent? Abstinent? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Who does
that?" Rose shouted above the noise of the cafeteria. I rolled my eyes and
sighed. I should have known better. Jasper glanced over, giving me a weird
look.
"Rosalie!" I hissed, "Keep it down! Seriously, don't repeat this to anyone…
Edward will kill me if this gets out."
Ever so fast on the pick up, Alice chimed in. "Abstinent? Isn't that the liquor
that supposed to be illegal in the United States?" She looked blankly at me
awaiting a response. I just shook my head, dropping my forehead in my
palm. Somewhere along the line, Rose and Alice's hair color had been
switched.
Rose spat, "That's Absinthe, you twatwaffle. Abstinent...as in to abstain…do
not do... to avoid..." I groaned completely irritated, slamming my hand down
on the table. "Fuck Bella. I'm sorry." I stuck my tongue out at her...just
because.
Thank you Mrs. Webster. Suddenly she's a goddamn English major.
Angela grabbed her camera. What the hell did she need pictures for?
I can just imagine the caption in the yearbook now. Forks Hottie Not Gay
After All! He's Just Abstinent.
It was more fun thinking he was gay. At least he was getting some that way.
They looked at each other incredulously, then back at me whereas they all
scowled and rolled their eyes in disbelief.
"That's complete bullshit, Bella. The truth." Rose pointed her red nailed
finger at me.
"I'm serious. He's maintaining a vow of abstinence until he turns eighteen.
He has like, a strong belief system against um… sexual promiscuity or
something…and he wants to wait until he is mature enough to handle a
serious sexual relationship." It was such crap, but it was all I had, and the
explanation that carried partial semblance to the truth.
"So he's like a fucking hot teenage monk?" Rose did this diva head bobble
thing in incredulity before she made the sign of the cross with her fingers.
"God save you, Sister Bella..."
I laughed lightly thinking of the irony of it all. "Uh, yeah, I guess he is like a
monk."
"What a waste," Angela said dreamily. "He's too hot to be keeping all that to
himself. I bet he's got a big peen…" I looked at her in disbelief, while truly
itching to confirm Edward's man junk size, but I felt too protective of him to
reveal such personal things about him. In fact, I was dying to reveal to the
girls what had happened with Edward and I, just to share my enthusiasm.
Alice rose up off her chair completely irritated. She grabbed her tray, leaned
over to me and whispered, "Liar." Then she kissed my cheek sweetly and
left. Rose followed soon after, as did Angela. I sat in the cafeteria for a few
minutes until the bell rang, staring at Jasper, who was giving me questioning
glances.
I packed my belongings up, and headed out the double doors to the hallway
where Edward was leaning against the wall waiting for me. He pushed off
the wall with his legs, meeting me at my side. As we walked to Bio, I
noticed his clothes bore a strong odor of freshly smoked tobacco.
"So what did you say?" he asked with a tad of snippiness in his tone,
obviously already aware of what they were asking.
I looked down at my feet smirking, hoping he wouldn't be mad. "I told them
you were morally against promiscuity and that you were abstinent and um…
like a monk."
He sighed. "Fantastic. Now I'm not homosexual, I'm just asexual."
I laughed, thankful he wasn't upset. "That was pretty shady, by the way,
trying to seduce me with a pizza bagel."
He chuckled lightly. "Sorry. I can't seem to think about anything else when
you're around. How many kisses did that cost me anyway?"
I put my finger to my chin in mock thought. "I have to charge you ten for
that little stunt."
"How many are we at now?" Edward shifted his body to avoid a group of
chatty kick liners in his way.
I giggled, "Like seventeen, I think."
He nodded, pursing his lips. "Well, good. I've charged you forty for the
naughty fucking notes you send me."
"Forty?"
"Forty," he confirmed sharply. "That's like, three blowjobs and a hummer."
"Edward, I don't even know what a hummer is."
"Trust me…I'll teach you when the time comes."
By the end of gym, Angela was dragging me toward the art room where
yearbook staff communed. There were only six people in attendance, which
is why I gathered Angela was so eager to recruit new blood. The meeting
was fairly interesting, though it got less appealing when I received a text
from Edward saying he was lonely and he missed me. It warmed my insides,
filling me with that fluttery feeling that I couldn't get enough of.
The advisor handed out the week's photo assignments, and reminded
everyone to write out a caption for the mounted photos on the mock up.
After she finished talking, I took a look at the boards where some of the
layouts were presented. They were mostly black and white photos, cropped
and angled in a whimsical fashion. Angela tapped me on the shoulder,
handing me a picture.
"Oh, wow," I gasped, looking at the photo clutched in my fingers. "He looks
like James Dean." It was of black and white profile shot of Edward, sitting
on one of the outdoor picnic tables. He had on a black t-shirt, jeans and
Converse sneakers, footwear which I had never seen him wear before. His
leather biker jacket sat neatly folded beside him on the table. In one hand
was a lit cigarette; the smoke wafting up from the burning end in broken
spirals all around his face.
He looked so friggging sad and distant it literally hurt my heart to see his
lonely, solemn expression, void of any emotion other than pain. It was
beautiful and horrible at the same time.
"It's a great shot right? We can't use it because he's smoking, so you can have
it if you want it." I nodded thanking her, as I slipped it in my bag safely
between two notebook pages. "I took it on the first day of school, before you
moved back here."
Despite the forlorn expression on Edward's face, something about hearing
those words made me soar. Because I knew, that he did not look like that
anymore. And I was arrogant if not confident enough to realize that it was
because of me that he smiled now.
We finished up with the meeting and Angela and I walked together to the
parking lot, along with two senior girls from the staff. It was after four, and
the sky was almost as dark as if it were late in the evening. While we chatted
outside in the parking lot, out of nowhere, deep gray storm clouds rolled
above our heads, darting in and out of each other in angry tumbles. The wind
picked up in a burst of air, bathing us all in wet leaves and debris, as the four
of us shrieked.
I ran to my car with a quick wave to the girls, turning on the heat full blast
once I was settled into my seatbelt. I made a quick stop to the grocery store
for some much needed basics and headed home just as it began to downpour.
My house was cold and dark, sounds echoing eerily as I entered the kitchen
sopping wet and dirty from the wind.
The first thing I wanted to do was call Edward, to hear his voice, which I
knew would make me warm on the inside and out. I wondered if he had
eaten and hoped he hadn't so I could cook him something. I stood with my
phone in my hand debating whether to call, but I didn't want to appear too
eager. I mean, he could see out his front window that I had just pulled in, and
if he wanted to talk to me then he would call himself.
After I put away the groceries, I slipped the picture from my bag, tracing my
fingers over his silhouette and gazing at it reverently for a while. How was it
possible or even remotely fair that one person could be so beautiful? And
that person would want me in his life… I smiled at the thought of how lucky
I was to have him, when a sudden down pouring shift in the rain on the roof
startled me out of my musings.
I took a long shower, basking in the warmth of the water and the feel of the
soap on my skin and shampoo in my hair. I dried off, running a brush
through my damp hair and wrapping it in a stringy bun on top of my head. I
grabbed a pair of underwear and my white satin robe, tossing the wet load of
laundry I did that morning into the dryer. While I waited, I headed
downstairs to see if I could find a frame for the picture of Edward which I
had left out on my unmade bed.
As I took the stairs to the basement, I was internally scolding myself for not
putting on socks, because the random dirt and stuff that was on the stairs was
sticking to my clean feet and it was disgusting. Once I got to the bottom, I
shivered as the damp air seeped through the thin fabric of my robe and
wrapped my bare toes in the chill of the concrete floor. I looked around
laughing at the irrational fear of the basement that still resounded from when
I was a little girl. I hated that damn basement and I was immensely relieved
upon moving back, that my father had the good sense to relocate the washer
and dryer up to the second floor.
I took a quick look around at the immense piles of crap Charlie had
accumulated over the years. It seemed that during the renovation, he simply
stuffed things in boxes and onto shelves in no particular order forming a
maze of forgotten memories, quite possibly in an effort to put my mother's
memory out of sight as quickly as possible. That was so sad to me… his old
life no longer wanting to be remembered.
I grinned at the shelves lined with old toys and games, neatly stacked in
plies that my mother had made as I outgrew the various items. When I
spotted the box with Operation printed on the front, I reached up on my
tiptoes to pull it down, narrowly avoiding a Cootie, Don't Break the Ice and
Ants in the Pants game piece avalanche. After I checked that all the
necessary Operation pieces were still in the box, I placed it on the stairs and
made my way back through the mess, squeezing my body into narrow aisles.
I found a box labeled pictures, the black handwritten ink clearly not
Charlie's. I wondered briefly if the writing belonged to Esme or to Maggie.
In the box were all the photos that used to be on the living room mantle, still
in their frames, dusty and aged. Dad kept only my most recent school picture
there now, one of him and Maggie, and a great shot of he and I together
when I was four. I tried to find it in me to resent the absence of my family
photos from their rightful spot on the wooden ledge, but couldn't as I
realized, it was Charlie's house now, and his family was just me and Maggie.
I rifled through the pictures, feeling nostalgic and forlorn, missing my mom,
and then my dad, and then my mom and dad together. I wished I would have
enjoyed them more when they were still a couple, appreciating the things we
did as a family; trips and outings, and just time hanging out doing nothing.
Of course, when I was little I couldn't have predicted that there would be a
day they wouldn't be together and that our happy little family would have
dissolved into …this.
After searching through another box, I still hadn't found the old photo of the
three of us together that I was desperately searching for. It was always my
favorite and I wanted to find it and keep it in my room, which was in great
need of the addition of some more personal items. In the photo I was little,
probably no older than two years old, wearing a white party dress with my
fine hair all in curls and tiny white teeth grinning at the camera. I was in my
father's lap, my mom ducking down next to us and my parents were
happy...genuinely happy to be there together.
As I shuffled through yet another box of pictures, I found a perfect silver
frame for Edward's photo. I tucked it under my arm, as I fruitlessly
continued to look for the family picture.
Sorting through haphazard piles, I watched the light in my mother's eyes and
the glow on her face slowly dimming as the years went on. Her hairstyles
changed constantly, as did her trendy clothes, but the little smile that reached
her eyes eventually faded until she was clearly faking it just for the sake of
the camera. I never noticed it before how disjointed she had become from
Charlie.
I sighed aloud, feeling cold, hungry, and very, very lonely. I very much
wanted to see Edward, to hold him and feel his warmth against me and the
crush of his strong arms around my body. Knowing it wouldn't happen made
me even sadder. A sudden bolt of lightening illuminated the basement in a
bright burst of silvery blue. Then an ear piercing crash of thunder followed
by gritty rumbling sound made me scream aloud.
Irrationally frightened, and my heart beating out of my chest, I made my
way toward the staircase. I paused, as I noticed one more box on the top of
the old wooden bookshelf nestled in the corner across from the stair landing.
Still hell-bent on finding that one photo, I stood on my tiptoes again, pulling
at the box, but it was too heavy to haul down. Hesitantly, I climbed onto the
lowest shelf to hoist myself higher, just enough that I could access the box
better.
Without warning, my bare foot slipped off the bottom and I grabbed hold of
the top shelf with my fingers wrapped around the worn wood. Just as I
regained my bearings enough to step down, the entire shelf came teetering
forward under my weight. I screamed for my life as the wood toppled over
while I crouched on the ground covering my head with my arms, waiting to
be crushed. Dust and debris fell all around me, and something landed on my
shoulder with a thud. It hurt like hell. There was the sound of wood colliding
with sheetrock, glass shattering and something tinny rattling as it rolled
along the floor stopping at its final resting place with a hollow echo.
I looked up finally, still crouched underneath the shelf that was now angled
between the wall and my huddled body. I was astonished that I made it out
of that mostly unscathed. I wasn't really hurt except for my shoulder, but I
soon realized I couldn't stand up all the way to assess the damage in the
shitty dim basement light because the shelf was leaning over me. Shards of
glass were strewn everywhere…pictures, broken frames and what was left of
my grandmother Swan's crystal vase collection. Shit. I knew my dad hated
that stuff, but it was Gran's…
Another bolt of lightening crashed outside, followed by the rumble of
thunder and then the lights flickered a few times. I gasped, knowing I would
be tremendously fucked if I was stuck down there in the dark. With my heart
thumping, I got on my knees and pushed at the shelf with all of my might,
but it wasn't going anywhere as it was wedged in the sheetrock at an angle,
leaving me trapped in the corner of the basement.
Then I tried to slide my body between the wall and the shelf, but I couldn't
squeeze past my shoulder. Even if I could manage to shimmy the rest of my
body out, I would only be met by a floor littered with broken glass and me
with bare feet.
"Fuck! No, no, NO! God, please, this isn't happening to me!" Sighing with
frustration, I sat back down on the icy cold concrete floor tucking my robe
underneath my butt while trying to devise a way to get the hell out of there. I
hit the back of the shelves repeatedly until my hand was sore.
Then, as if my life wasn't fucked up enough at the moment, the lights
flickered again leaving the cavernous room completely black.
I froze, sucking in a deep breath. "Oh my God! Why are you doing this to
me? Help" I screamed in vain. "Help!" Who even knew when the hell
Charlie would be home? I could be here for days, starving and freezing in a
puddle of my own pee.
I was completely taken back, and an irrational surge of fear blasted through
me. My heart began thumping and I could feel my chest constricting,
suffocating me, trapping me in a dark and damp basement, with barely a
stitch of clothing on.
I looked up when I heard the faint sound of my phone ringing upstairs,
making me feel impossibly farther away from the warmth of my clothes,
safety of clean wooden floors and soft comforting furniture.
Edward…
It was so black, that I couldn't even judge how far away from the stairs I had
been. Not that it made a hell of a difference, because even if I could slide out
from underneath, I had no way of navigating my way amongst the echoing
black and shards of glass littering the floor.
I felt my throat close up in panic, but I pushed it back angrily, breathing
deeply from my belly, trying to slow my pulse rate down.
I hated that I was such a fucking freak.
Still sitting frozen under the constraints of the shelf, I waited patiently for
another wave of thunder to serve as my lighthouse in the storm, while
chasing away childish fears of monsters lurking in unguarded crevices. As
another bolt of lightening flashed through the windows, I could clearly see
the staircase just beyond the mess on the floor. So close, yet so far.
~%~
It felt like hours, but it could have been minutes as I sat there trying to come
up with a plan to get the hell out of that godforsaken basement. I prayed
aloud to God at some point, and then I tried to mentally telepath Edward into
coming over to save me. My phone had rung several times upstairs, but I
only had special rings for my parents, so I had no idea who was calling me,
though I was praying it was Edward.
Putting my fingers to my temples I chanted, "Ohm, ohm, Edward…if you
can hear me…I am trapped in my basement…and I am completely naked…"
I thought if he could hear me, sending him naked images of me
telepathically it would get his ass here faster.
Well, I was desperate.
I even unpacked one of the nearby boxes that I could reach, tearing it open
flat to make a cardboard layer between the glass covered floor and my feet,
but it wasn't long enough to reach the stairs. Besides, I couldn't squeeze out.
Rubbing my naked gooseflesh covered thighs with my palms, and cursing
myself for not getting dressed, I shivered. I dropped my forehead in my hand
when my stomach growled and I realized that I hat to pee really badly. And
just as a lone tear escaped my eyes and rolled down my cheek in frustration,
I heard a banging on my front door.
I knelt, bathing in the wash of relief as I yelled, "Down here! I'm stuck in the
basement!"
I knew it was Edward. I could tell by the devout tenacity of the knocks. I
assumed he must have been calling me and when I didn't answer, he was
probably worried about me being alone in the dark during a storm. I
screamed again, while the knocks continued relentlessly and then suddenly
they stopped. I yelled frantically, as loud as I could, my throat becoming raw
at that point. The wooden shelf was muffling my cries.
Tears filled the corners of my eyes and I began to weep as a lump formed in
my throat. "Please come back," I begged quietly, wiping away tears and my
runny nose with my hand. I smacked my palms against the wood again,
pushing as hard as I could in frustration, but I needed to be standing to get it
to budge. I sobbed, defeated and cold and feeling like a complete moron for
getting trapped in my own basement.
Then I heard him. The sunshine, the music, the hope of Edward's voice
calling out to me, laced with alarm. I screamed out again, as the basement
door was thrown open in haste and Edward's feet clunked down the stairs. I
had never heard such beautiful sounds before in all my life.
"Bella, where the hell are you?" All I could see was a beam of white light
coming from his direction, but his voice made me want to belt out choir
songs and yell, "Praise Baby Jesus! I have been saved!"
"Behind the stupid shelf," I sniffed, frantically waving my arm out the side
of the shelf. "Edward, thank God, I thought I was gonna die down here. You
have to grab my shoes. There's glass all over the floor and I am barefoot." I
pleaded with him, sniffing through happy tears.
"What the fuck happened?" he asked, making his way through the fragments
in his path. He crouched to the floor, shining the light into the corner where I
was huddled with my knees into my chest. "You're crying… are you hurt,
Love?" My ass was frozen numb, but the sight of him warmed my whole
being.
Holy shit…he just called me Love.
"No, I'm fine… just fucking stupid." I wiped more tears away from my
cheeks with the back of my hand, pulling the robe closed. I must have
looked like complete shit.
He handed me the tail end of the flashlight directing me to hold it up so he
could shimmy the shelf out of its wedged in position. It took him a few tries,
but he pulled the shelf to an upright spot, sliding it back against the wall. As
he worked, he let out little grunts while muttering his disbelief as to how I
could get myself stuck in this ridiculous situation. As I stood, wrapping my
arms around my torso, Edward brushed his hands off, and his eyes traveled
the length of my body.
"You're shaking. Shit…" he stood there for just a second, before he shrugged
off his damp gray pea coat. I slid my arms into it gratefully, even though it
was wet from the rain. It was deliciously warm inside, and it smelled like
him- the faint hint of cigarettes, cologne and something distinctly Edward.
Oh and weed, I definitely recognized the scent of freshly smoked weed. The
sleeves were a good six inches too long and hung from my frame
awkwardly.
"I need shoes…there's glass…" Edward looked at the glass covered floor
and then at me, tearstained and freezing, clearly making an on the spot
decision.
"Fuck the shoes. Come here." My eyes widened at his hands held out to me.
I took a step forward hesitantly, not certain what to do.
"But…"
"B, what the fuck am I supposed to do, leave you here? Just come…" His
voice held a hint of irritation causing me to immediately wonder why he
would be upset at me for this. It wasn't like I did it on purpose. I was born a
spaz, not made.
Before I could blink, Edward scooped me up in his arms, carrying me up the
flight of stairs with ease. I stared at him shocked and blinking, his face only
inches from mine.
"B, the light, please…" he said chuckling. Quickly, I redirected the light in
front of him, as we finally made it to the landing.
"My hero…" I whispered. Edward smiled at me, still suspending me in his
arms and I wished I didn't have the thickness of the cashmere between us,
just Edward's skin and my thin satin robe.
"Are you okay?" he whispered softly. I nodded still dumfounded that he was
touching me. My face was so close to his…I could smell the rain on him,
and the sweet scent of the gel in his damp hair. His arms were so strong and
his chest and torso was rock solid. I hadn't imagined a human body could be
that firm and unyielding.
"I am now," I whispered back softly. His eyes closed momentarily and his
face sort of jerked forward a bit. My breath caught in my throat as I thought
he was leaning in to kiss me. Instead, he hoisted me up higher in his arms
and headed for the stairs while I guided our path with the flashlight. Once
we got to my room, Edward stood near my bed, seemingly debating where to
drop me. I cocked an eyebrow expectantly, while he just stood there, holding
me in his arms.
"I don't…want to put you down," he whispered. I felt his embrace tighten
around my back and underneath my knees. I shivered at his words, and the
anguish that seemed to invade his tone. I wanted him to hold me forever.
"So don't."
"Yeah, but uh…you're not exactly light." The flashlight gave the room
enough light that I could see the smirk on his mouth.
"Thanks," I replied with a scowl. My teeth began to chatter, as the dampness
of Edward's coat had begun to seep through to the inside.
"You're freezing, B. You need to get dressed." I nodded sadly, realizing that
he was right. Between my wet hair and the fact that all I had on underneath
the thin robe was a pair of panties, I was shaking. He lowered me to the
floor, waiting for my feet to find purchase before he extricated his arms from
around my waist. I felt immediately disheartened by the loss of contact and
the warmth radiating from his body.
Slipping off his coat, I laid it gingerly on the bed, and stood the flashlight
upright so it shone onto the ceiling illuminating my bedroom enough to
manage dressing.
"Wow, your room is a mess," he said softly, picking up my earlier discarded
bra off my desk. I ignored his remark, snatching the bra out of his hands. He
laughed as he asked, "Why were you down in the basement anyway?"
"I was looking for a picture frame, which I left in the stupid basement.
Angela took this." I handed him the picture from my bed. Edward squinted
at it, moving closer to the light.
"You wanted to frame this? Why?" he asked rather curtly.
I was taken back by his brashness. "Because I like it. It's a beautiful picture,
and I don't have another of you." I retrieved the picture from his outstretched
hand watching him absently chew the inside of his cheek. "What's the
problem with that?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing, it's just…I don't know. Forget it."
"Don't do that," I snapped.
Edward's eyebrows furrowed and he frowned. "Don't do what?"
I rolled my eyes and sighed exaggeratedly. "Obviously there's a reason that
bothered you. Please don't hide your feelings from me…it's not fair. I mean,
we can't…" I crooked my head to the side, letting him know I wasn't upset.
He huffed and replied, "I was just having a shitty fucking day. And I don't
like those stupid Converse. But if you like the picture then, do what you
want with it."
I nodded, understanding his explanation to mean he didn't like the way he
looked in the picture. "What's up with the shoes, anyway?"
"Ah, I was trying out a new look." He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly.
"You're way too Metrosexual to be Emo," I laughed. "E can you please grab
me a pair of socks?" I asked pointing to the dresser, before bending to reach
a pair of soft cotton yoga pants in my bottom drawer. I shrugged off the
robe, not caring all that much that I was standing in my room in just a pair of
white underwear because I was so cold.
He muttered, "Sure," turning toward the drawer. As I slipped on the pants, I
caught a glimpse of his expression in the reflection of the dresser mirror. He
was rifling through my top drawer while not even paying attention to the
contents. Instead, his gaze was on me and my nakedness as he cautiously
looked up through his lashes.
"Socks, Edward," I chuckled, redirecting him. He faltered, casting his eyes
downward while opening a few drawers until he found my socks. He turned
to hand a pair to me, right before I slipped on a long sleeved fitted gray tee
shirt. I took the socks from him, as I muttered appreciation, still shivering
from the cold. Edward turned back toward the dresser again, apparently
embarrassed by being caught peeping. I didn't care really, I just thought it
was unbelievably cute and flattering that he wanted to see me in my state of
undress.
I squatted into the closet, sorting through the disorganized mound of shoes,
in search of a matching pair of sneakers. Once I found a set, I peeked over
my shoulder, to watch Edward holding up a pair of my underwear. His head
was cocked to one side, like he was concentrating hard on something. He put
them down, picking up another pair, holding them up just like the first.
"Did you want to try them on?" I smirked as I slipped on my shoes.
"What? No," he said defensively. "I just…how the fuck are these even
comfortable?" He had one of my lace thongs lazily hanging off his pointer
finger.
"I don't know… they just are. You don't even feel them after a few seconds."
"Yeah, but they are in…your butt." He snapped the elastic back like a rubber
band.
I shrugged. "Why don't you put them on and see for your self?"
"Uh, no thanks. But I do like these…" he held up a lime green thong, with a
picture of a frog wearing a crown silk screened on the front. "Can I have
them?"
"They aren't going to fit you," I snickered, knowing full well that he had no
intention of trying them on. He clicked his tongue, shaking his head.
I narrowed my eyes at him playfully. "Are they to add to your collection?"
"Yeah, the one I am starting today." I laughed as he slid the panties in his
back pocket. Edward's phone rang at the same time. He pulled it from his
other pocket, answering it.
"Yo." He turned toward me, leaning his ass against the dresser as I stood.
"Yeah, she's okay…trapped in her fucking basement." He laughed and rolled
his eyes, adding, "I know, I know." I cocked an eyebrow at him, narrowing
my eyes. Edward mouthed, "Jasper."
"You two are talking again?" I asked hopefully with a big smile. He nodded,
rolling his eyes. Edward hung up the phone him saying, "Come on, let's go.
Pizza was just delivered to my house." Edward slipped his jacket back on,
looking at me oddly. "You look cute," he remarked.
I made a face, gazing down at my extremely casual outfit. "You think this is
cute? I wear this to bed."
"Yeah, I know you do, but…" Edward's breath caught abruptly. He shook his
head, grabbing the flashlight off the desk and lighting the way down the
stairs, not giving me a choice but to follow him. Edward helped me with my
coat, as I hit the remote start on my car. The thunder and lightening had died
down, but it continued to rain in torrential droves. The Cullen's driveway
was about as long as the street itself, I was not about to get drenched out
there.
I grabbed my purse, remembering the game that was still on the basement
stairs. Once I retrieved it, Edward's eyes widened, as he tucked it under his
arm. He stuck his hand out expectantly. At first I thought he was petitioning
me to award him my hand. After all, he had touched me when he carried me
to safety, but he never made contact with anything but his coat, so I wasn't
quite certain here what the protocol was.
Edward looked at me with a puzzled expression, before his face clouded
over with clarification, "Keys." I instantly felt stupid for thinking he would
suddenly start changing all of the rules and his carefully thought out
reasoning why we couldn't touch in private.
I stood indignant, "E, I can drive a hundred feet to your house." He shook
his head, rolling his eyes.
"I just saved your life, an act which could very well land me in jail and
you're going to argue with me?" I scowled with a hiss, conceding as I
dropped my keys into his open palm. We ran through the heavy down pour
just a few feet, getting completely soaked in the process. Edward's dark hair
was dripping wet and hanging in his eyes, as he started the car muttering
expletives under his breath.
He pulled in behind his BMW, holding his finger up indicating that I should
wait. Once he was around to the passenger side, he swung open the door, as I
lunged out ducking under the collar of my hood while gripping the board
game. Jasper opened the front door, holding a slice of pizza in his hand.
The house was surprisingly bright and cozy, candlelight scattered about the
two front rooms. Both fireplaces were roaring, giving the house a warm feel
and that great burning woody scent significant of the change of seasons. The
three of us headed to the kitchen, where I helped myself to a slice of pizza
and a can of soda, while Edward disappeared into the laundry room. He
came back out rubbing a towel over his head, before he grabbed a slice and
sat with Jasper and I.
"This is so romantic," I crooned, sarcastically.
The dynamic in that kitchen should have been awkward I suppose, because
technically, the last time Jasper and I interacted, his arms were embracing
me and his mouth was on mine. We hadn't spoken of it since though I did
feel a conversation was necessary, just to clear the air. By the way his eyes
kept darting from mine to the table, Jasper seemed like maybe he was
feeling the same way.
"Jeez, you guys reek of pot," I remarked, waving my hand in front of me
while feeling a little put off that they had gone ahead and smoked without
me. I could have used a little of that at the moment. They both chuckled and
shrugged.
"So…uh…Bella. Did you by chance mention to um, Alice about… um…the
day that you…and uh, I…were by the tree house?" Jasper took a huge gulp
of soda and wiped his mouth with a napkin.
"Oh, you mean the day we made out and you tried to cop a feel?" Edward
dropped his half eaten slice onto his plate mid bite as he turned, glaring at
Jasper. "Oh, I'm kidding!" I said, rolling my eyes.
"Bella, don't even fuck around like that! It's bad enough that he fucking…"
Edward huffed, tossing his napkin angrily down. He shook his head, clearly
indicating it was a sore spot for him. Point taken.
"Sorry, sorry. Um, no Jazz, I didn't tell her anything. Should I?"
"Uh, that would be a big fat no. I don't think she would appreciate that and it
would definitely lessen my chances of…" he shook his head, trailing off his
statement. Edward smirked. "But uh…are we…cool?" he motioned back and
forth between the two of us with his eyebrows raised.
"Yeah, we're good, no worries. So…you and Alice, huh?" I grinned, looking
over at Edward, who was patting his pizza slice down with a napkin. He was
such a fucking priss sometimes. How he managed to be so strikingly hot and
manly at the same time he was blotting pizza grease was right up there with
the great wonders of the world.
"Ah, I don't know. She fucking hates me, and I don't blame her. But I want to
ask her to go to this thing on Saturday...this festival where they have like,
apple picking and hayrides and shit. If she says yes then you guys will come
with us?"
My heart fluttered a bit, because Jasper just admitted that he wanted to take
Alice on a date. I was so excited, I wanted to call her right them and tell her.
I looked at Edward, because he hadn't mentioned anything about it. He
shrugged and said simply, "I forgot to ask…I was distracted by your
underwear. Would you want to go?"
I laughed aloud. "Is that the one in Sequim? Rose's mom took us all when
we were like, ten. It was pretty cool, except for the haunted house. Jessica
Stanley peed her pants, and then threw up all over Lauren's new shoes," I
said nodding, as they both laughed. "But I'd love to go. Just a word of
advice," I added. "If you like Alice, then don't call her Xanax anymore. It's
not nice."
Jasper nodded solemnly whispering, "I know… I won't." It seemed that he
genuinely felt remorse for his actions. It made me soar.
We finished up the pizza, just as Emmett came into the kitchen soaking wet.
"Hey guys. Some fucking storm, huh? Power's out all the way to Port
Angeles. Mom called to tell me that she and dad are stuck on the 101
because there's a pole down and traffic is backed up all the... Hey pizza!" he
cheered, sliding into a seat and helping himself to a generous slice of
pepperoni. After a brief discussion about the fall festival in Sequim, Emmett
decided that he and Rose should come along as well.
Edward loaded a fresh set of batteries into the game, and once we heard the
familiar buzzing sound working properly, the four of us sat around the
kitchen table taking turns. Even though Edward and Jasper were high,
Edward did amazingly well. I think the buzzer only sounded once when he
extracted the wishbone from the naked dude. Emmett and I did both really
well, high fiving each other often as Jazz and Edward grumbled. Every now
and then Edward would give me the evil eye when my hand met Emmett's.
Something as simple as a high five was off limits for us, proving that this
was indeed, a cruel and unfair world.
Just as the boys began to argue over who was the best "surgeon," my phone
rang. It was Alice asking for a ride home from the diner. I asked Edward if
he would mind coming with me to get her, and Jasper suddenly perked up,
offering to do it. We exchanged looks, smirking at each other as Jasper
bolted out the front door. I thought about calling her to give her a fair
warning, but instead I just texted her the words, Your welcome. She would
figure the meaning out when she saw Jasper pull up… that is, if she didn't
pass out on the pavement first.
Edward and I headed up to his room. He pulled my underwear out of his
back pocket along with his phone, smirking at me. I sat on his bed leaning
on my elbows as I shamelessly watched him change out of his jeans by the
flicker of the candlelight. He peeled off his shirt, tossing it into his hamper
in the bathroom. When he got down to his boxer briefs, he gazed down at
me, smirked, and then just unabashedly stripped them off. I bit my lower lip
watching his gorgeous naked body move swiftly into his flannel pajama
pants. The mere sight of him made things happen to my body that felt so
very bad, and so very, very good.
I wanted to sultrily whisper, "Come here," to him so I could touch his chest
and play with the little silver ring that slid through his nipple, but I knew
very well that I couldn't. Edward took the candle into his closet, reappearing
wearing the green sweatshirt we bought together at the mall. He looked so
soft and comfortable and so cuddle up next-to-able. It was then that I
yawned and it dawned on me to ask him what time it was. He checked his
phone; it was after ten thirty.
"I should go," I said apprehensively. The last thing I wanted to do was go
home to a completely cold and dark house. Sensing my trepidation, he
pulled out his phone again, dialing while holding his finger up. Hold on a
sec…
"Hey mom, where are you guys?" He waited for a reply before he nodded.
"Yeah, everything here is fine. Listen, Bella is here and I think she's a little
scared to go home alone to her house with the power off. Can she stay here
tonight?" We smiled at each other, and then after a few words on the other
end, his face fell slightly. "Mom, it's probably freezing up there." After a
short pause, and a couple of eye rolls and head nods, he conceded. "Yeah,
okay. All right. See you soon. Bye."
"She said you can stay in the guest suite, not in my room." He shrugged his
shoulders, looking thoroughly disappointed.
"That's fine. I'm too tired to get it on tonight anyway." I laughed weakly as I
stood, grabbing my purse off his nightstand. He mumbled something
incoherent, as he held the candle leading into the bathroom. He began to
brush his teeth, peeking his head out with his mouth stuffed with his blue
toothbrush. He waved around another toothbrush, a brand new purple one,
which I accepted gratefully. We brushed our teeth together, sharing the sink,
each taking a turn to spit. I felt a little funny about it, since we hadn't done
anything like that before, but I suppose it shouldn't have been a big deal
because he had, after all, seen me half naked. And I wasn't embarrassed
about that at all… but watching me brush my teeth was reason to feel self-
conscious. Dumbass.
When he finished he slid his toothbrush into a little egg shaped holder that
had a violet light emanating from the top of the pod. Without even looking at
me, he knew I would expect an explanation from him.
"UV toothbrush sanitizer," he said matter of factly.
I snickered. "Only you, Edward."
He took my new toothbrush, laying it inside a plastic case before holding the
candle and motioning for me to go ahead. The house was fairly quiet at that
point, except for the murmur of Emmett's voice behind his bedroom door. I
assumed he was saying goodnight to Rose, which I thought was really sweet.
We walked down the hallway to a doorway on the end, the flickering
candlelight casting ghostly shadows on the walls and high ceilings.
As Edward opened the door, a cool breeze greeted us as it rolled down into
the entryway. Shivering, I followed him up a short, carpeted flight of stairs
which opened into a spacious living room with very high ceilings. I gasped,
because I had no idea this was even here. In the dim light, I could see that it
was decorated in a French Country style, very feminine and frilly, with
muted colors and long billowy window treatments. There were little nooks
with tables and floral arrangements; fringed table lamps set upon them. The
dainty striped couches were scattered with a million floral patterned throw
pillows. Just beyond the living area was a small country kitchen and a dining
area. The Cullen's "guest suite" was actually a generous sized apartment,
larger than most of the places my mom and I lived in after we left Forks.
"My grandparents stay here when they visit. It's the girlie part of the house,"
he chuckled. He opened the door to one of the two bedrooms and I gasped
again at the beautiful white wooden canopy bed, decorated with floral linens
and even more throw pillows. Edward set the candle on the nightstand, and
began placing all the pillows neatly into the wooden chest at the foot of the
bed. He gently tossed me his lighter motioning for me to light the bedside
candle. Taking the lighter back, he knelt in front of the small fireplace, and
lit what looked to be more candles, but he explained that they were made of
a special gel or something and gave off a surprising amount of heat. While
he did that, I snaked my arm up the sleeve of my shirt, removing my bra
discreetly, and laying it on the nightstand folded next to my purse.
The room warmed up quickly and soon became very cozy. The bed was so
squishy, that I sunk a few inches into it when I lay down. I put my head
down into the pillows feeling the softness of the bedding all around me. I
could have slept for days in that bed. Edward chuckled, crawling in beside
me. He lay his head down on the pillow, staring at my face. His eyes darted
to my chest, where I knew he noticed I was braless by the way his lip caught
between his teeth.
"This bed is so comfy," I said, feeling slightly exposed.
"Uh, yeah," he cleared his throat. "This is the most comfortable bed in the
house. My grandparents never want to leave."
"I can see why," I said snuggling into the pillows. "I love this place. It's so
'me'." Edward nodded as I yawned again.
"Tired?" he asked. His hand gingerly reached out to tug on a strand of
wayward hair that had fallen from the messy bun I had forgotten my hair
was in since I'd gotten out of the shower. I guessed hair was an exception to
the rule because it was actually dead and a mere extension of myself, not
actually me.
I wonder how strict the law is if I were to get gangrene in the cooch…
"Hey, how did you get in my house?" I asked, suddenly remembering that
Edward got in without a key, and I remember distinctly locking the front
door behind me when I came in.
"I uh…climbed through your bedroom window," he said looking down.
"What? You did that high? Are you insane?" I shook my head at his antics,
but thanking the lord he had the good sense and persistence to do so.
I pulled out the elastic ponytail holder, sitting up to rake my hands though
my hair. It was still damp in spots and lay around my shoulders in wiry
tendrils.
"No. First off, you shouldn't be leaving that window open. Anyone can get in
that way. And last year, when they were building the den, me and Jazz and
Em were watching the crew and talking about how fucking easy it was to
just jump on the back porch rail and hoist ourselves up. The roof isn't even
that sharp of an angle. It wasn't hard at all. Not that any of us would
deliberately break into a cop's house, but…"
"Well, I'm glad I did leave it open, cause I would be dead by now. Thank you
for saving me." I wanted to ask him about calling me "Love" but I felt weird,
so I dropped it.
"Anytime."
My phone buzzed with a text from Alice. It read simply, OMG OMG OMG
Jaspers here!
I giggled, showing Edward the text. I pulled the little travel sized hairbrush
from my purse, running it through my hair. Edward laid on his side, propped
up on his elbow as he watched me brush my hair for a minute, his eyes
intense and probing. I smiled at him meekly. "What?"
"Can I …do that?" he asked, almost amused. I shrugged, handing him the
brush, thinking that Mr. Anal had better not start pointing out all my split
ends. He sat up, scooting closer, as I turned around with my back toward
him.
In my periphery, I could see him raise his hand tentatively toward the top of
my head. As the brush made contact with my scalp, I sighed. It felt so
unbelievably good. Each stroke was relaxing and comforting, reminding me
of being a little girl and getting pigtails before school. Only this was…
different.
"My mom used to brush my hair when I was little. I always had so many
tangles and knots and she would pull on them. I hated it." He scooted even
closer, so close that I could feel his pepperminty breath on my ear as he ran
the brush against my scalp. It was suddenly really, really warm in the room.
"Holy shit it's hot in here," he mumbled, practically reading my thoughts. I
felt the mattress shift slightly as he removed his sweatshirt and tossed it near
the edge of the bed. In the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of his bare
torso as he leaned over.
Oh dear God, he was shirtless behind me. I swallowed thickly, and nervously
continued, "Though I liked when she washed it for me and…mmmmm…" I
could hear Edward's breathing deepen as I prattled on about my mother and
my stupid hair. He ran the brush in long straight strokes from my forehead to
the ends, pressing the plastic bristles firmly into my skin. I moaned a little in
pleasure, not even realizing how erotic the sounds I was making were
coming off.
I continued talking, to distract myself from the sensual feelings and the heat
that was coagulating in my lady bits. "She used to use this detangling spray
that smelled like watermelon…mmmm…shit… unnngh…"
"Bella," he whispered, so close I could smell him and feel his breath on my
ear. "I'm not your mother." I shivered at his words, though I was so warm I
could sense the little perspiration beads gathering on my forehead.
Fuck, no…you are not.
His breath tickled my ear and sent shooting curls of desire into my crotch.
Edward pressed the brush into the back of my neck, and slowly dragged it
down my spine. I moaned again, because suddenly, it went from very, very
innocent to very, very erotic.
"Does that feel good?" he whispered in a voice so smooth it felt like I could
wrap my whole body in it. I shook my head yes, moaning again, as he
brushed past my ear, down my neck and over my shoulder.
"Ow!" I cried out, with a long hiss through my teeth. Edward flinched back
as I pulled my shirt down off my shoulder to examine the cause of the pain.
"Something hit me there when the shelf fell," I explained.
"Bella, take your shirt off, so I can look." I did as he asked, immediately
feeling very vulnerable. A shiver ran through my system as my cool, wet hair
brushed against my bare skin. My exposed back was to him as he hovered
over me, peering at my shoulder. I could plainly see that a hideous large
purple and fuchsia bruise had spread under the surface.
"I want to get some ice for that," he said in a very rough voice.
"No, no, it's fine, just don't touch it." Edward sat back on his heels with a
little huff. I turned my face to look over my shoulder. "Please…don't stop," I
implored in a strained whisper. Edward sat back up on his knees, resuming
his brush strokes, only this time, he was more gentle, only just tracing the
spokes of the brush down my bare skin. He was no longer brushing my hair
for the sake of practicality…this was so much more than that.
As he brought the soft bristles back up the column of my spine, I gathered
my thoroughly combed hair, tossing it over my shoulder, so that he had
access to my whole back. Edward emitted a low breathy moan, "So fucking
pretty."
His words made me tingle and smile on the inside and out. He grazed my
earlobe gently, running the plastic down my neck, to my shoulder, then
across my collarbone. He was so close now that if I moved even the slightest
bit, our skin would make contact. I could feel the heat of his chest radiating
onto my back.
Cool minty breath cascaded over my neck as he blew gently into my
overheated skin. I let out a staggered breath, as I felt my underwear suddenly
became wet from all of the blowing and the brushing and the non- touching.
It was so sensual, so erotic and beautiful…I had never experienced anything
like it in my life.
He turned the brush so that the soft plastic bristles curved around my
shoulder blades, down my ribcage to my waist and then back up again,
blowing into my skin with each pass. My flesh was peppered with goose
bumps, and I moaned and whimpered at every completed circuit, not caring
that my pleasure sounds were awfully reminiscent of sex sounds. He was
careful to avoid my bruised shoulder when he passed that way. I was so
excited and so relaxed at the same time, but I was waiting, waiting for
something…
Then the something happened.
Edward drew the brush around to the front of my neck, straddling my body
with his legs on either side of me. He could easily see my naked front from
where he was, and I didn't dare hide it from him. The hairbrush grazed my
collarbone again… this time, dipping lower and lower until he made wide
circles around each of my breasts in a figure eight motion, the symbol of
infinity.
Edward's breathing became labored and heavy; a clear sign that he was very
turned on. I wondered if he wanted to take care of himself, or if he expected
me to stick my hand down my own pants. I didn't even have to question if he
was hard…
Just as the brush passed over my very erect nipple, our breathing hitched
together. I moaned softly, as Edward whispered, "You're fucking making me
…crazy right now…."
"Ungss you God…mmmmmmmmm," was my incoherent reply. As the
bristles passed gently over the other nipple I gripped my fingers on the edge
of the bed, feeling a tingly spiral in my insides. "Edward…I think I'm…
I'm…ohhh…" I was almost there…so close. I had heard what they were
supposed to be like; read all about orgasms about how they started weak and
gradually gained momentum before exploding all over your body. I had
heard they made you want to scream and see spots and starts and curl your
toes in ecstasy.
The problem was that even though my fingers were "active" down there
almost every night, I had never been able to get myself to that point. I
couldn't even imagine what it would be like…until now. I started to feel a
heightened sensation that was virtually indescribable. My mouth hung open
and I began to pant as the heat between my thighs and the ache in my lower
belly throbbed and burned gradually becoming stronger and stronger until I
gripped the edge of the bed and squeaked, "Edward…"
Edward's breathing was even more labored at that point. He let out a tiny
whimper and just as I knew I was about to have that very special moment,
we heard the only sound in the world that could have made me cry sad tears
at that very second.
A soft knock on the door, and then Esme's sweet voice calling, "Edward?
Can I talk to you for a second?"
Are you fucking kidding me right now?
As if he had suddenly been branded on the ass with a hot iron, he was off the
bed, muttering curses as he pulled on his sweatshirt and fixed his pajama
pants. His hair was all over the place and I motioned for him to smooth it
down, which he did on my cue. Though it went without saying, even in the
midst of the rushing to become decent, I got a fairly good glimpse of his
crotch before he put the shirt on and, yes, he was very, very hard.
I pulled on my own shirt, sitting at the edge of the bed, trying to stuff my bra
in my purse while my heart beat inside my throat. I was left with my cooter
buzzing and tingling and feeling immensely frustrated.
Edward hastily opened the bedroom door, shutting it softly behind him. I
could barely hear the incoherent murmurs of their conversation, while I sat
there feeling terribly guilty for our innocently salacious activities with a
stupid travel sized hairbrush. Edward returned shortly, shutting the bedroom
door again.
"You should call your father," he said curtly, sitting down on the bed next to
me. I nodded, pulling my phone from my bag and called. I left a message
telling Charlie where I was and the circumstances that led me there,
remembering to include that I was sleeping in the guest bedroom.
Edward huffed, running his hands through his hair. "I'm so fucking sorry
about that. I uh… I have to go…" His jaw was tight and I could tell he was
pissed off. I knew then it wasn't his choice to leave, that it was Esme's
request, or demand, rather. "What time do you get up in the morning?" he
asked, standing.
"Six," I replied softly, standing to face him. I needed to kiss him…I needed
to feel his mouth on mine and his arms around me, touching, groping,
holding…
"Okay, I'll be back in the morning to wake you up. Sweet dreams, B." He
pulled at the bedding, looking very sad while I climbed in. Edward drew the
covers up, gazing down at me with a small smile.
"You too, Edward," I whispered, snuggling into the pillows. I was definitely
going to need to find my moment again once he was gone.
Sucks for him.
He moved to exit the bedroom, but paused to look back. His hands went to
the hem of the sweatshirt tentatively, slowly pulling it off to reveal his bare
torso again. I gasped shamelessly at his beauty, feeling tingles all over again,
as he tossed me the garment.
"The gels are going to run out in a few hours. It will probably get cold in
here." He pointed to the fireplace, explaining why he was disrobing again.
"Thank you, E," I said softly, as I gathered it up in my arms, taking a whiff.
It smelled amazing. "Night."
His fingers wrapped around the door frame as he stood gazing down on me.
All of the muscles in his torso were taught and glowing in the radiance of
the firelight. His pajama pants hung so low on his hips, I had to force my
eyes away from him.
"Hey, Bella…before we were interrupted, were you just about to…"
Come?
I nodded. "I'm pretty sure, yeah."
"Pretty sure? You don't know?" He cocked an eyebrow.
"Well, I've never, uh… had one, so…" I shrugged my shoulders.
"Never?" he asked with wide eyes.
I shook my head feeling very inexperienced. "Not that I can recall."
"Fuck…that's going to change real soon. Are you going to uh…?" He
pointed to my crotch waving his finger around in a circle while I smiled at
him stupidly.
Finish?
I nodded again, shyly looking down. He sighed a long frustrated breath and
groaned.
"You?" I asked, already knowing the answer. He nodded, rolling his eyes as
if to say, "Obviously." Then he kissed his fingertips softly, putting them to
the air before he disappeared out the door.
Once I knew he was safely gone, I slid my hand down my pants touching
until it felt good again, but I wasn't able to get close to where Edward's
touches had taken me. When I was thoroughly frustrated and so dead tired
that my lids were burning, I rolled over, cradling Edward's sweatshirt,
soaking in his delicious scent. I skipped the prayers because I was pissed
about the shelf thing in the basement, and I was too exhausted to get into it
with The Big Guy Upstairs. As I drifted off to sleep, I was deeply saddened
that I was alone and more than a little resentful of Esme's untimely
interruption.
Cootchblocker.
That night, I had beautiful dreams of strong arms around me and tender
touches; caresses on my face and my hair that were gentle and soft and
wrapped in warmth and love.
I woke early the next morning, confused for a moment before I realized
where I was. It was still dark in the bedroom as the fireplace no longer held
its soft glow or gave off its much welcomed heat. My nose was cold, yet
underneath the covers, I was snug and cozy, almost too warm. I sat up,
pulling my hair into a ponytail and checking the time on my phone. It was
5:17. As I lay the phone back down on the night table, I reached my hand to
smooth out the rumpled bedspread beside me.
I wrinkled my nose in confusion, because not only had I no recollection
whatsoever of putting on Edward's sweatshirt in the middle of the night, but
I was pretty certain I slept soundly on the right side of the bed. It made no
sense at all that the spot on the left was… warm.
And then I smiled, knowing that maybe I hadn't slept alone after all.
~%~

According to the Urban Dictionary, Tea Bagging is the act of lowering

one's balls onto someone's face, or into their mouth while they are
laying down. Kind of resembles dipping a tea bag into a hot cup of
water.
Don't ever say you didn't learn something from this story.
Okay, and I know you are all wondering how the hell Bella is sleeping
through Edward's affections without noticing anything. Keep in mind, I
AM NOT A DOCTOR, I am just going on personal experience. For
some people, when they are taking anti depressants such as Prozac or
Zoloft, their sleep cycle is often much deeper than it would normally be.
They will dream fantastic, colorful, realistic dreams, often not waking at
all, even for loud noises or smoke alarms or even hot half-naked boys
rubbing their hard-ons and putting sweatshirts on them in the middle of
the night. Oops…did I just give a little insight into chapter 17?
Xoxo
~EBT~
Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Thank you to Becca for speedy proofing and to Suzy for all that you do.
ILY BB.
Thank you for being patient with me. My updates will be slower, as I
said before, but this chapter is extra long, so read slooooooowly and
maybe it will last you until the next update.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 17~ Self Appointed Hero
I'm so high, I could hear heaven
oh but heaven no heaven don't hear me
and they say that a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
oh hold on to the wings of a hero watches the hope fly away
someone told me love would all save us
but how can that be look what love gave us
a world full of killing and blood spilling
that world never cant
and now that the world isn't ending
its love that im sending to you
Nickleback~ Hero
~ Edward ~
"Something is wrong, Dude. I know it," I said adamantly, jumping from the
tree house steps.
I feel it.
"So go, you paranoid freak. I'll wait here for the pizza, just call me when you
find her." Jasper hopped out behind me. I waved, sprinting off down the path
toward my car. After quickly grabbing a flashlight from my trunk, I heading
down the street to Bella's house.
Once inside, Bella's house was fucking cold as ice and I was seriously
trembling as I repeatedly called out her name. I was hoping to God she
wasn't like, in the bathroom or the shower...okay well, if I had to be
completely honest, a big part of me kind of hoped she was is the shower
because I was a sick fucker like that. I felt like I was making an asshole out
of myself for climbing through her goddamn window, after I made no
progress in finding another way inside.
I continued to frantically search for her, going from room to room and
finding nothing. I was high and my mind was slightly fuzzy. Panic had set in
when she failed to answer any of the numerous times I called or return any
of my texts. Jazz made me feel like a psycho stalker boyfriend, and for a
moment, I thought maybe he was right. After all, I had called and texted her
10 times in the span of 17 minutes. Desperate much? I felt it in my bones
that something was wrong though….like a sixth sense or some shit.
But as I called out in vain, I heard no response, and I grew more fearful.
Then I heard her cry out, her voice laced with… I don't know…fear, relief,
frustration?
I crouched holding the light up to see her tear stained face. Bella... my
trembling girl...with her hair all wet sitting on the cold cement floor in
nothing but a thin white bathrobe. Her knees were pulled up to her chin and
she looked so small and frail, like a little girl. Not the sexy, beautiful
creature I saw in my dreams. I set her free and had no choice but to pick her
up and carry her to safety. Though…really, who was I trying to kid here? I
most certainly did have a choice. I could have easily chosen to go get her
shoes and let her walk up the stairs with no assistance from me except for
the single beam of light guiding our way. However, that was not an option. I
chose her safety as my priority and it was rationale enough for me to break
the rules for just a few minutes until she was out of danger.
I had to touch her. And I didn't want to let her go. Ever.
But she was trembling, her skin covered with goose bumps, her eyes
reflecting the trauma of being stuck in her basement in a storm. I wanted to
slide into her warm bed and wrap my body around her soft flesh and hold
her until she was calm and felt safe but I knew I could not. And it fucking
sucked like a nasty motherfucker.
I watched her reflection shamelessly through her mirror while she dressed
and I felt like a dumb shit when she caught me gaping. I didn't care…I got a
pair of underwear out of it. Hopefully the first of many, because…everyone
should have a hobby. I was curious to see what she wore, if not to add to my
file of fantasies, but to see what I could buy her. The idea of purchasing her
lingerie had my head spinning. What would I like to personally see covering
her perfect little ass? Yeah, um…nothing. If I had my way... she would be
naked 24/7.
I noticed she had mostly thongs, a few lacy items and lots of plain boyshorts,
but nothing I would classify as special or exceptionally sexy. I had full
intentions of amending that promptly. I wondered briefly if she would prefer
something from Victoria's Secret...or La Perla.
What I also had allocated myself was the appointed task of changing the fact
that she had never experienced an orgasm. I was absolutely dumbfounded. I
mean, she told me she touched herself all the time, but she never came? How
is that possible?
Orgasms and underwear…that should keep me occupied for a while.
Once we had finished pizza, I kicked everyone's asses at Operation, thank
you very much Junior Dr. Cullen MD. Bella watched me change with her lip
caught between her teeth, her eyes wide and full of lust. I wanted nothing
more than to slide onto her little body, slip my dick inside of her and relish
in the sound of her screaming my name repeatedly. But sadly, we just
brushed our teeth together like we were seventy five fucking years old and
getting ready to watch Wheel of Fortune before bed.
As I hid away the mass of pillows and lit the fireplace in the guest suite, I
began to think deeply regarding the situation in front of me. It occurred to
me that I wasn't permitted to touch my own girlfriend, whether it be
remotely innocent or overtly sexual or anywhere in between. However, in
the circumstance where she or any other female minor as labeled by the
court, would be in danger, how was I to turn a blind eye to a necessary act?
What kind of person would do that? Esme, in fact, had raised a gentleman.
I began to toy around with the idea of heroism and the rationale that a simple
act of bravery could be considered an exception to the rule. Surely, no judge
would convict me on a charge of breaking the restraining order when there
was an act of valor involved. It in fact, could quite possibly negate the whole
damn document. Even judges could appreciate a genuinely heroic effort.
So, as I contemplated this idea, rolling it around in my head, I concocted up
ways to "save" her. The idea of somehow knocking her off the bed intrigued
me. Working some mathematical calculations in my head, I tried to decipher
if I could reasonably push her off the bed and get around the other side fast
enough to catch her before she made contact with the ground. I narrowed my
eyes in thought…
Okay, okay, so if the bed is roughly 36 inches high give or take a few inches
for fluff factor and she's what…115, maybe 120 lbs, five foot two inches and
it takes her say…1.2 seconds to fall from the surface to the carpet, I could
reasonably get from this side of the bed to her in 3.1 seconds, which is
pointless because I forgot to factor in weight versus mass. No…the force of
gravity and inertia of the earth would effect that too. Unless…I roll over the
surface of the bed after her…but that would have to be a quick fucking
roll…though I could feasibly lunge over the bed and catch her that way… oh
but wait…the comforter is silk or some shit, so that will add to the slide
factor, because if it was cotton I would go slower…OR…if I was already at
the bottom waiting for her, then she could land directly on top of me…and
that would be just perfection.
Shit,I would need to have like super vampire speed. Why the fuck did I get
high?
But then of course, I would have to touch her to knock her off the damn bed
in the first place, so that sort of negates the whole fucking idea.
So scratch that.
How about…if I accidentally on purpose set her on fire? I could pat her
down, heave a nice big bucket of water on her…maybe she'd be conveniently
wearing a white tee shirt at the time? No, that's way too fucked up. How
about if I throw her down the stairs and try to catch her before she crashes
to the bottom? Trip her? Save her from an out of control car about to hit
her? Throw her off a cliff so I could dive down after her? Maybe, drown her
and bring her back to life with CPR…
Dude, you have a problem.
I sighed, laying down in the bed next to her noticing how her nipples
suddenly popped through her shirt. They oddly reminded me of that little
timer thing from the turkey that popped out when it was done. For the first
time since I had met her she wore no make up on her face. Her hair was not
styled and she was dressed in the comfortable, causal clothes she wore to
bed. I almost completely fucked up in my admission of recognizing her
sleeping attire at her house, but I hoped it would go right over her head. Still,
without any of the usual feminine pretenses or extras, I was for the first time
able to see her natural beauty; her true fair yet creamy skin tone, her lips
devoid of gloss, her lashes bare of makeup. Natural, comfortable Bella was
stunning.
I was fascinated with the sight of her brushing her hair. Such a simple non-
sexual activity but it did things to me that I couldn't explain. Things that
made me want to pamper her and take care of her…and oh hell…fuck her.
Yeah, I'm not that valiant. I hovered behind her for ten minutes with a
ridiculous hard on, as I blew on her neck and her back. I watched how her
skin responded to my breath. How she would sigh and slightly shiver. I ran
the brush over her shoulder not realizing that she was hurt. Jr. Doctor Cullen
was in the house and I just wanted to see the bruise on her shoulder better. I
may be a sick demented perverted hero but I didn't have ex-ray vision or
super powers.
I swear it didn't even occur to me that she would be naked until she actually
was. Once free from the fabric of her top she begged me not to stop. At that
moment, I would have happily agreed to jump off the fucking roof if she had
asked me to. I sat straddling her, stroking her naked upped body with a
fucking hairbrush. Her moans and whimpers went straight to my cock,
hardening up that sucker until it was literally aching in my pajama pants. I
rearranged it, but I didn't touch it or anything while I did my thing on Bella.
I wanted to give her the experience without distractions, free of her mind
wandering anywhere else but on the sensations of the brush against her skin.
And she was so responsive to the touch, I was in awe at what she would be
like when I could do real shit to her with my finger and my tongue and teeth
and…my dick.
She was about to get off, she was about to have her very first orgasm just as
my mother called me. Nothing deflated a hard on quicker than the sound of
your mother's voice. Where is the justice in this world? What the fuck have I
done to deserve the steaming pile of shit cards dealt to me?
I hustled out of that bedroom, with my heart in my underwear, knowing that
if my mom heard Bella's little moans, she would think we were fucking
doing forbidden shit. She was standing in the corner of the hall, holding a
candle which illuminated her face. She looked tired…and pissed.
"What's up, Ma?" I asked, closing the door behind me.
"Honey, it's late. What are you doing in there?"
"We're talking." I shifted my eyes to the candle.
"Mmm. Make sure she calls her father. The last thing you need is the town's
ex police chief finding out his sixteen year old daughter spent the night in a
house with three horny teenage boys." She pursed her lips and cocked her
head to the side expectantly. And there it was...the Mom-brow. How the fuck
she could do that shit was beyond me. Her eyebrow rose in a silent "I'm not
fooling around," mom mode. It was like some secret Mom code or shit. Like
Mom truth serum.
She fucking heard Bella.
"Alright."
"Say goodnight, Edward. Before this gets…complicated." She waved her
hand between me and the bedroom door before she shot me a stern and
disapproving look. I just rolled my eyes at her, completely annoyed. It was
for my own good, but it was fucked up just the same.
After I entrusted my hoodie to her, I left Bella, heading to my own room,
where I stripped naked. I was yanking my pants down so fast I almost
tripped over them as my foot got stuck in one leg.
I flopped down on my bed and shut my eyes tightly, but the flame of the
candle light was casting shadows over my eyelids, distracting the effort. I
blew it out and stroked my dick in my hand, not using lotion or lube, just the
abundance of stuff leaking out the top that was now all over me. It took
about a minute of my hand wrapped around my shaft, making quick pulsing
motions as my thumb tightened around the head. My thoughts focused on
Bella's tit's and her neck and the soft curves of her shoulders. She was
perfect and I couldn't wait to just feel her against me- heat and skin and
smells of heaven…soft flesh and hair and hot breath against my mouth. It
was over before it began. I stifled a cry into my fist, whimpering as the
tension released from me in angry spurts. After I washed off and slipped
back into my pajama pants, I lay in bed for a while, not finding comfort or
solace in the darkness.
Because I needed her.
The house was black and still as it was after midnight. Using my cell phone
as a source of light, I made my way back to the door at the end of the
hallway, cringing as the floor underneath my feet creaked and groaned with
each step. The fireplace was still going, not as strong, but the room was
warm. Bella was snuggled under the covers, cuddling my sweatshirt
underneath her face. The sight of her moved me. Her lids closed; peaceful,
beautiful, glowing in the soft light. I debated whether to stand there and
watch her sleep or join her, and after a few seconds the latter won.
"Bella…" I whispered, testing her alertness. She didn't respond or stir
minutely. Slowly, I rounded the bed, crawling onto it on all fours. I slipped
under the blankets with her, soaking in the warmth that her body was
emitting. She looked really tiny, fragile, so unassuming and innocent.
I fucking loved it.
With great caution, I inched my body toward her, spooning her silhouette
without actually touching her. I nuzzled my nose into her hair, all mocha in
my face and her skin was clean and fresh like soap and powder. She wasn't
wearing perfume tonight, but it didn't matter because my dick recognized her
scent anywhere. I was instantly hard again, feeling like a depraved little shit
for doing this to her.
But again, in my head, I validated the action by telling myself that I hadn't
watched her through her window in over a week. Like I should be rewarded
for good behavior or something. It was an ongoing internal struggle I had
been having- morality over sexuality- Angel versus Devil. She was my girl
and if things were different she would willingly let me touch her…well, I
was betting she'd let me do any fucking thing I wanted to her. But I was
watching her in private moments and that was just wrong. I also quarreled
internally with myself as to whether to tell her or not, but I hadn't come to a
founded decision as of yet. I was waiting for one last night before I gave it
up all together…cold turkey.
Part of the allure of the whole thing was her innocence, and the fact that she
was unaware of what I was doing- that was the biggest turn on of all. She
was so sexy and inherently beautiful, and she had absolutely no idea.
Her bruised shoulder was peeking out of the neckline of her shirt. I inched
further, finally making contact with the curves of her body…mine molding
to her exact shape behind her. My fingertips grazed her shoulder so gently,
almost ghosting over the skin. She didn't rouse or sigh so I knew she was in
a deep sleep already and I was silently thanking God for selective serotonin
reuptake inhibitors. Prozac was my fucking savior.
I moved a few strands of hair from her face, running my knuckles along her
cheek. Her skin was incredibly soft and silky under my fingers. I leaned
forward, pressing small kisses onto her neck, her shoulder and her arm…
feeling her, tasting her, savoring in the warmth.
It was motherfucking divine.
My dick definitely liked the idea of getting some friction. It was cradled in
the small of her back, just above the crack of her ass cheeks. I shifted
forward gently, feeling the contrast between the slightly scratchy fabric of
the inside of the flannel, and the outside barrier of her tail bone against my
hard on.
I imagined just carefully pulling down her stretchy pants and cupping as ass
cheek, before slipping inside of her, pushing forward gently, slowly,
breathing and moving as one. Of course, I wouldn't dare. I didn't have the
fucking balls for that. Besides the fact that she would definitely wake up…
but something told me she wouldn't have minded.
I was practically panting into her neck, feeling the tension rising and the
ache procuring in my balls as I rubbed against her. I felt like a horny fucking
dog, shameful and unrelenting, but not able to find the will to stop. I finally
came again, stifling my groans into her hair and the pillow underneath us.
My pants were just a little wet, as the second time around didn't really emit
as much quantity as the first.
I felt disgusting lying there still against her, with cum in my pants that would
eventually soak into the outside, transferring onto her back. But I decided it
didn't fucking matter because I was so goddamn tired. Plus the fact that
cleaning up would require moving away from her and that was an option I
wasn't willing to explore. Quickly, I set my phone to vibrate at five am. I fell
asleep with my arms around her, holding her tightly to my chest. I soaked it
up…the feeling of embracing her, protecting her, keeping her warm and safe.
At some point, she nuzzled back into me, sighing sweetly. Her fingers laced
through mine, squeezing as she sighed again, softer. I thought maybe she
was dreaming, and I hoped I had a starring role in that dream. I was a light
sleeper…I could sometimes hear my dad taking a piss across the house in
his bathroom and it would wake me up. But having my hand in hers for the
first time was just, sadly monumental for me. I had never felt this close to
anyone before, in both the figurative and literal sense. Even the temporary
pleasure of sex that I felt when I was with Tanya couldn't hold a candle to
how I felt just simply holding Bella's hand. It made me want to cry at the
beauty and the unfairness of it all.
By five, I had gotten a decent mount of rest when my vibrating cell alarm
woke me. The room was cold, as the fireplace flames had gone out. Before I
left, I pulled my hoodie from her grip, and slipped it over Bella's head,
knowing she would miss the warmth cast off from my body when I was
gone. It wasn't easy, but I managed to shimmy her arms into the sleeves with
out her even stirring. She was practically comatose. It was no short of
amazing how out she really was…and that was scary. Part of me actually
wondered what would happen if I attempted to fuck her… would she even
wake up?
I wasn't willing to test the theory out though. Not this morning, anyway. I
slipped off the bed, kissing her forehead and then her lips gently before I left
the room. Peeling off my now crunchy pants, I showered, dressed in jeans
and a long sleeved blue tee shirt. I watched the clock, doing my hair quicker
and with much less attention to detail than usual, and finally headed back up
to the bedroom where Bella was.
I knocked softly before pushing open the door. She was sitting on the chest
at the foot of the made bed, holding a framed photo of my brothers and me
and my grandparents at their lake house. She glanced up when she heard me
enter the room, smiling widely, her sleepy eyes sparkling. It made my entire
goddamn morning.
"Hi," I said softly, sitting down next to her.
"Morning," she said back. She angled the picture toward me and I laughed,
shaking my head. Me, Em, and Jazz dressed in little black tuxedos, with my
gran and gramps trying to restrain us from getting dirty before the ceremony.
"You are so adorable!" she squealed. "Was this taken at your parents
wedding?"
"Yeah, my grandparents have a house on Lake Michigan. It's beautiful there.
Mom and dad got married right on the lake at sunset." She nodded, smiling
as she pointed to some of the white bows that were in the background from
the ceremony. "Some day I'll take you there."
"I look forward to it. Are they coming for Christmas?"
"Uh, I think the plan is to go there this year, but…" I shrugged my shoulders
knowing that if I had my way, I wouldn't be going anywhere near Chicago
without Bella. "It's still in debate."
Bella nodded, looking a little sad. "Hey, did you come back last night? I
woke up with your sweatshirt on and the bed was warm." She smirked,
expecting me to admit that I slept with her.
I shrugged my shoulders innocently. "I know nothing. It was probably
Emmett. He sleepwalks."
I rose, taking the picture from her as she mumbled, "Hmmmm, sure he
does." I set the frame on the fireplace mantle with a chuckle. I suppose I
didn't give her enough credit for being able to piece it together. Either that or
my slick maneuvers were just sloppy.
She passed on breakfast when she saw my mom in the kitchen, waving
quickly as she bolted out of the house and down the block. Jasper was eating
a bowl of cereal at the kitchen island, talking with his mouth full.
"Alice said she'd go tomorrow, but only if Bella and Rose were going."
"Oh cool. So she doesn't hate your guts, then?" I asked, pouring myself a
bowl of Organic Penguin Puffs, which was like shredded wheat and little
fiber sticks with petrified raisins mixed in for color. "What the fuck is this
shit?"
"Watch your mouth so early in the morning, Edward. I'm in no mood today."
I cringed as my mother spoke icily from across the room. She was still
dressed in her purple bathrobe, her hair was everywhere and she was
obviously tired and in full on bitch mode.
Jasper rolled his eyes. "No, she definitely hates my guts, but she said she's
willing to let me earn her forgiveness. I don't have a goddamn clue as to how
I'm supposed to do that, but if she thinks I'm gonna fucking jump through
hoops or something to get on her good side, she's in for a real goddamn
shock. Jasper Cullen does hoops for no one."
"Buy her some flowers, and tell here she's pretty. That's a start." Esmom
nodded into her coffee mug. "And stop cursing so much. You two sound like
street trash."
We both rolled our eyes muttering apologies as we finished up breakfast and
headed off to school. I aced my French, Calculus and History quizzes, and
then met Bella at her Geometry class to walk her to English. When she
walked out of class, I was sort of taken back by the sight of her. Her hair was
down in big curls all soft and framing her face. She was wearing this outfit,
that made her look like she was at least twenty five years old, and it didn't
escape my notice that every guy was ogling her as she walked past. The top
was the color of vanilla ice cream and was long and hung off one shoulder.
She had matching leggings with knee high brown spiked heeled boots and
this belt…it was beaded and sat on her hips with a long strand that fell
between her legs.
She looked goddamn stunning.
"What's wrong?" she asked as I pushed off the wall to walk by her side. She
noticed my expression, which I am pretty sure was half amused, half lust
crazed.
"Nothing…you look fucking hot…I mean more so than usual." I licked my
bottom lip unconsciously and her cheeks flushed pink.
"Don't do that."
"What?" I quirked an eyebrow.
"Lick your lips. Your tongue…makes me …crazy." She breathed a heavy
sigh, taking her seat in English. We spent the next three periods with me
staring at her and deliberately licking my lips, and Bella, shaking her head
and dropping her forehead in her palm out of frustration.
Time for you to escape to the bathroom little girl. Two can play at this game.
I had been so high strung the whole day, thinking about her naked breasts
and the moans she was making the night before. Her words about not ever
having an orgasm were repeating relentlessly in my head, and it bothered
me. I had conflicting thoughts. First off, I felt sorry for her...then I felt sorry
for us knowing that it would be two fucking years before we would
experience that together, the way it was meant to be shared. Then the panic
set in. What if she didn't want to wait? What if she wanted to feel that with
someone else?
I quickly put those thought out of my head and went back to my memories
of her from the night before. I think I had officially found my "Happy
Place."
Once we were alone in study hall, I hitched the heel of my shoe on the
bottom rung of her chair and pulled her into my knees that I had spread
open. Her eyes darted directly to my crotch, which by that point, my jeans
were pretty much bulging. She looked up at me through her lashes so shy,
yet so seductive, and scooted her ass to the edge of the chair, spreading her
legs between mine. The tassel end of the beaded belt hung directly down her
stomach between her thighs.
I leaned close to her, whispering, "You are so fucking beautiful, do you
know that?" I began playing with the hanging beads twisting them into a
braid. She gasped and I knew damn well that they were passing right along
her pussy, exactly where her clit was.
"Stop E." She breathed heavily, as her eyes gently pleaded with me. She was
turned on.
"I want to make you come," I whispered, my gaze burning directly into hers.
Bella's eyes fluttered shut, as her fingers gripped the sides of the chair.
"Not here, please…not here." I dragged the belt to the right and she
whimpered. "E…no…"
"No, not here, Beautiful. I wouldn't do that to you, because you can't scream
my name in here, and that's something I'm not planning to miss. But I can't
wait to taste your…" As I was about to say, pussy, two Freshman computer
nerds came noisily charging in, claiming the table next to us. Bella breathed
a sigh of relief, while I gave them a dark stare.
"That table is taken," I said sternly.
The one with the serious case of acne whined, "But there's no one…"
"I said the fucking table is taken. Find somewhere else to sit." Bella covered
her mouth with her hand as the two kids tore ass out of the alcove, shaking
in their shoes. I looked back at her. "Where were we?"
"You were about to tell me you couldn't wait to taste my… something."
Bella leaned closer to me, gripping the chair, one hand either side of her
spread legs.
"Pussy. I want to taste your pussy. I bet it tastes like warm apple pie with
vanilla icecream." Her breath caught and she whimpered again, shutting her
eyes. I have no fucking clue as to where that came from, but I imagined that
that's what she would taste like, nevertheless.
"Edward …what the hell are you doing to me?" she groaned, licking her lips.
"I want to prepare you for what's to come." I snickered at the double
entendre, not really knowing specifically how I was going to help get her
off, just that I was goddamn determined to do so. My fingers tugged on the
belt again. Her body tensed up as the beads swept across the thin fabric of
her pants. I slumped in my chair, shamelessly peering at her open legs.
"Are you wearing panties?" I asked. She exhaled a long shaky breath.
"Of course, why? Do you want them?" She gave me a wry smile, biting her
lip shyly as she tossed her hair back over her shoulder. I nodded my head
slowly. "Well, these are just a little bit…wet," she whispered. My cock
stiffened and I groaned aloud, shoving my hand in my pocket to make a
slight adjustment.
"Fuck."
The bell rang, forcing us to discontinue the playful teasing, but leaving us
both flushed and frustrated. As I changed for gym with my hard on
unrelenting, I hoped no one noticed. That was all I would need… rumors of
me with a ginormous boner in the guys locker room. I seriously considered
rubbing one out in the bathroom, because I was so wired and turned on it
wasn't funny. Bella just kept giving me these shy glances while watching me
taking my sexual frustration out on an innocent volleyball, and the guys on
my team were pumped because I was kicking ass. I guess built up semen and
lack of pussy in general was a healthy alternative to taking steroids.
Unfortunately, Bella announced that she was spending the remainder of the
afternoon and evening with her father who insisted on helping her clean the
mess in the basement. He also unexpectedly invited her to dinner with a few
friends of his. She felt obligated to go, seeing as how she rarely spent time
with him these days, and I was unfuckingbelievably disappointed because I
really, really was looking forward to seeing her get off.
~%~
With boots in my hand, I sat out on the front steps, lighting a cigarette. It
was a perfect fall day; the air was crisp and on the cooler side, but the sun
was shining golden and the woodsy scent of a nearby roaring fireplace filled
the air. I usually despised this time of year for some reason. It could be that
my father insisted on having us spend an entire day raking up the fallen
leaves, even though we had gardeners who could do that perfectly well and
in much less time with those big leaf blowers they carried. Every year he
gave the same speech...something about manual labor building character and
work ethic and that it would make us better men…or some happy horseshit
along those lines.
I think I disliked the fall so much because it was a sign that baseball season
was coming to a close. The final professional teams are in playoff mode with
the World Series only a few weeks away. When I was younger, I centered
my life around the sport, hating fall and winter, and finding myself entirely
too anxious for the first signs of spring. It was definitely different now. Now
they had indoor facilities to take the edge off of players with the itch. I knew
the itch. I understood the itch. Some days I still had that itch…and it was
fucking bad.
It could have also been the fact that the girls started wearing much less
clothing in the spring…so yeah, that was a big part of it too.
But today, as I puffed on my smoke, tugging at the laces on my boots, I
watched Bella, Rose and Alice emerge from Bella's house. The three of them
were dressed similarly, in flat heeled boots and heavy sweaters, carrying
their coats over their arms. Bella waved at me, walking between her girls,
her smile ear to ear. They were whispering something and giggling as they
approached.
"Hey Edward," Rose and Alice called out.
"What's up girls?" I replied, squinting up to Bella as she hovered over me.
"Hey, Beautiful." I tugged playfully on a long curl that had blown into her
face.
"Hi Hotness, how are you? Can I have a drag of that?" Bella asked before
she plopped down next to me on the step. I held the cigarette to her lips,
feeling the warmth radiating from her skin on my fingers, wanting
desperately to give her a kiss and taste her mouth. I sighed sadly, as she
pulled away to blow the smoke out of her mouth.
The front door opened behind us, with Jasper and Emmett emerging.
Greetings were made, and Bella and I watched amusedly as Alice pressed
her lips tightly together, giving Jasper a brief and very curt wave, feigning
indifference. "She's being aloof…and trying not to talk…she's nervous,"
Bella whispered. I nodded in understanding.
Girls.
Jasper approached Alice looking like he wanted to kiss her cheek or
something but he sort of moved around her as she skirted away from him. It
was a very awkward exchange, as he sighed and nodded, looking for
somewhere to put his hands.
"Hey does everyone have gloves? It's supposed to get down in the thirties
later on." Emmett announced as he opened the trunk of his Rover, removing
his football equipment piece by piece. Apparently, everyone had brought
gloves except Bella, who was about to run back home for them. I smirked,
whispering for her that I would be right back as I put out the cigarette on the
brick. When I came back down, I handed her the glove and hat set I bought
her that day at the mall. She recognized it immediately, her smile almost
forlorn as she slipped on the hat.
"Thank you so much…this is so sweet, E."
I shrugged. "It's just a hat and gloves. But…I wanted you to have them,
so…" She rocked forward on the balls of her feet suddenly throwing her
arms up. I took a quick step back instinctively before she froze, her fingers
covering her mouth as she gasped in realization of what she was about to do.
And I knew right there is where she would have wrapped her arms around
my neck and kissed me.
She whispered, "Oh Edward. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I just shook my head
and smiled, trying not to get upset about it and just blow it off, because that
was the exact reason why I couldn't have her touching me in private. Some
habits were just too hard to break.
From the corner of my eye, I could see Rose watching us. She seemed to
have caught the whole thing and her eyes narrowed questioningly at the odd
scene between Bella and me.
"Let's go guys," Emmett ordered, holding the truck door open. I looked at
him incredulously, because how the fuck was I supposed to sit in the back
seat of his car and keep to the fucking restrictions I had?
He covered immediately. "Uh…hey, I think I feel like relaxing a bit today.
Edward, why don't you drive my car? Bella can sit up front with you." I
nodded, silently thanking him, as I hopped in the driver's seat. Everyone
piled into the back seat, Alice squealing and Rose complaining about being
squished by Emmett's long legs. She clearly wasn't happy about the
situation, and she continued to shoot me dirty looks when I caught a few
glimpses of her in the rearview mirror. I just smiled at Bella, who sat back
and enjoyed the sun in her face, while I played with the end of the silky scarf
that was around her neck.
"What is this, anyway? Are you trying to hide a hickey or something?" I
asked playfully, tugging on the end of the pretty fabric.
"Yeah sure…if I could give myself a hickey on my own neck I could join the
circus." She smirked and swatted my face with the other loose end. It was so
soft against my skin and it smelled like flowers. I imagined slipping it off
her neck to tie around her eyes as I went down on her, cutting off her senses
to heighten the experience. Not that I personally had any experience in that
department, but I had seen enough porn to know that would be
motherfucking hot. The thought of being between my beautiful girl's legs
made me hard and I awkwardly shifted in my seat to get more comfortable.
After a very scenic and traffic filled hour long ride, we spotted signs for
apple picking, pumpkins, hayrides and a haunted asylum attraction. I pulled
the truck into a spot on the side of the road, and jumped out as everyone
followed. We headed along the grass walk, to the entrance to the orchard,
chatting noisily. I was really glad I wore my black boots, because the ground
was muddy and I knew damn well I would have spent the day obsessing
over my Nike's getting filthy. Not that it fucking mattered, cause I owned
thirty five pairs of fucking shoes, but whatever, I hated being dirty.
We walked into the farm market to get our supplies for apple picking. It was
pretty cool and smelled delicious, though it was a little hokey for my taste,
but whatever. They were popping kettle corn and making homemade cider in
one corner. A couple of rowdy kids were dipping apples into caramel in the
other corner. And their poor parents were pulling their hair out in the middle.
What possessed people into thinking having children was a good idea was
beyond me.
I actually imagined trying to figure out how to spike the apple juice to get
the kids to calm the fuck down for a second. I think we were the only six
people under the age of twenty here unaccompanied by their parents. Shit…
We were all either completely lame or completely pussy whipped. Wasn't all
that difficult to figure out which.
Bella held onto the basket, walking ahead with Alice. The two of them began
to skip arm in arm, and sing happily as Emmett pulled an apple off a nearby
tree and tossed it Jasper's head. Not soon after, we were pretty deep into the
orchard, the trees brimming with softball sized red apples. My brothers
unleashed an all out war on each other, pegging heads with apples while the
girls ducked and screamed. Which is why I was now beginning to
understand the necessity of the big ass sign at the entrance that read, "All
children must be accompanied by an adult."
I, of course, refused to participate in anything having to do with throwing
round objects. Bella seemed to sense that I was feeling uncomfortable,
hanging back with me. We walked side by side making fun of how immature
they were and hoping that we wouldn't get kicked out. Fuckers. Bella and I
could just act like we didn't know them. Besides, I still had the keys to Em's
truck in my pocket and if we got kicked out, I was leaving their sorry asses
there.
Bella was telling me about dinner with her dad, as she walked backward.
Occasionally, I would pick an apple and toss it into her basket which she
insisted on carrying, even though I offered. Secretly, I was glad, because
holding a wicker basket filled with apples was just about the least manly
thing I could be doing.
The arsenal of apples returned with a vengeance. Out of the corner of my
eye, I could see the apples flying toward us and I was able to duck just in
time for one to nearly miss my head. Out of sheer instinct, I put my arm up
to catch the orb hurling toward Bella's head at a pretty decent speed and
knocked into her, sending her flying on her ass. All of the apples in her
basket spilled out, as she lay prone on the wet grass underneath her.
"Shit, B. Are you okay?" I asked, kneeling down next to her. The horrified
expression on her face quickly faded and she started to giggle. Knowing I
really couldn't help her up, she sat up on her own and I began to fill the
basket back up with the rogue apples. Emmett and Jasper approached from
around the corner, yelling obscenities.
"You immature shit heads see what you did? Can you knock it the fuck off
now?" I seethed, as Bella laughed again, muttering she was fine. Emmett
held his hand out to her, assisting Bella off the ground. I looked down,
feeling like such an asshole because I couldn't even help my girlfriend off
the fucking floor after I had knocked her on her ass. Rose gave me another
annoyed look before glancing away, which I replied with a small smirk. She
ignored me.
With my brothers now calm, the six of us walked along together, Rose and
Emmett hand in hand ahead of us. Jasper inched closer to Alice, talking
sweetly to her as she played indifferent. It was really funny how she was
able to keep the act going so long, because I would catch her giving Bella
glances that clearly said she was about to fucking lose her mind with
happiness regardless of how she was behaving to Jasper.
Rose and Emmett ducked behind a row of trees where they began to
indiscreetly maul each other, complete with wet kissing sounds and moans.
His hand was on her ass and her hands were tangled in his hair. Bella looked
away, and I wasn't sure if it was because she was uncomfortable watching
them or if she felt like shit because she was stuck in this fucked up situation
with me.
Just as Jasper playfully slipped his arm around Alice's shoulder, I leaned
over to her and whispered, "I'm sorry."
She knew immediately what I was apologizing for, responding, "It's not your
fault. Don't apologize, E. I'm fine, really." But it was bullshit, and I knew she
wasn't fine.
"Ooh there's some green ones!" Bella yelled excitedly, effectively redirecting
the topic. They were up pretty high. She walked ahead, dropping the basket
on the ground as she made a beeline for a nearby ladder. Just as she was
about to carelessly walk under it, I snatched her jacket from behind, pulling
her back. She turned to me, completely surprised and a little put off.
"Walking under a ladder, Bella…really? You don't think our luck is bad
enough?" I explained my actions with a knowing nod.
Bella rolled her eyes. "Jeez E. I hadn't pegged you for the superstitious
type." I shrugged, as I lifted the ladder up, carrying it back to where the
apples were.
"Oh yeah, Edward is very superstitious. Especially when it comes to
baseball," Jasper added. "This one time, he…" I glared evilly at his face
which immediately caused him to pause and retract. "Never mind…stupid
story. Come on, Al, I have something for you," he said, tugging on Alice's
red sweater. He pulled out his silver flask and ducked between some trees.
That's it Jazz…get her drunk and then she'll be nice to you.
Cringing, I watched Bella begin to climb the ladder. "Hey, Beautiful? Do
you think that's such a good idea? Maybe you should let me get them?" My
fingers wrapped around the metal frame as I watched Bella ascend up the
rungs giving me an outstanding view of her fucking perfect ass all wrapped
snugly in her skintight jeans. "Uh, scratch that…you keep climbing. I'll be
down here, steadying the ladder," I snickered. She turned around, rolling her
eyes and shaking her ass suggestively. I would have given my fucking right
arm for a squeeze…or a bite.
As she stood on her tip toes, balancing on the metal step, my thoughts
traveled back to the demented idea of putting her in danger in order to keep
her safe. It was like a fucked up version of Munchausen's By Proxy
Syndrome, only I wasn't making her sick for attention, I was intentionally
putting her in harm's way so I could save her whereby inevitably having to
touch her.
What the fuck?
However, irrational it was, I was fucking desperate, and it wasn't actually
that bad of an idea…in my head. I tapped my fingers on the supports,
debating whether or not I had the balls to go through with the world's worst
plan and should just shake the damn ladder. When she turned around to
smile at me, my eyes met hers and I playfully rocked the metal frame…just a
little.
"Edward stop…I'm going to fall!" she squealed, not seeming genuinely
scared though she was gripping the sides of the ladder for dear life. I
continued to shake it, harder this time, until she began screaming and
pegging my head with apples in retaliation. I stood at the bottom, rubbing
my forehead as the apples rained down on me while she slowly descended
the ladder, defeated. When Bella turned, her mouth was only inches from
mine. We both sighed.
"Why did you do that?" she asked smirking.
"Cause if you fell, I could catch you," I replied, completely honest. She
nodded, biting her lip.
I exhaled in her face. She brought a big fat green apple up to her lips and bit
into it, the juice running down her chin. I snickered at the sight of her…it
was like watching G rated porn. It crossed my mind to just bite the bullet
and fucking kiss her, right there on the bottom rung of the apple picking
ladder in the middle of the Sequim orchard. Who the fuck was going to see,
or care, or…
But it would just open a can of worms that neither of us was prepared to
handle. That was obvious by her untamed display of affection over the hat
and gloves this afternoon. If she had a difficult time restraining herself from
something like that, I couldn't imagine what kind of wild animal would bring
out in her if we were to be intimate even in the most minute way.
"Bella, if I wasn't completely obsessing over the fact that you just bit into an
unwashed apple full of pesticides and God knows what else, I would
actually be really turned on right now," I whispered. It was a half lie,
because despite the fact that I was most certainly obsessing, I was definitely
aroused. She laughed, forcing the apple into my mouth. I bit into it
regardless of its uncleanliness, smirking as I chewed and relishing in the
idea that her saliva was all over it. Normally that would have grossed me the
fuck out, as I never shared food, but not with Bella. I would fucking lick the
inside of her mouth if I could.
She took another bite, resting her ass on the ladder step, as she opened her
legs wide to accommodate me. I stood in the center of her, our crotches so
close, I could actually feel the warmth of her body heat through my pants
which were now completely bulging.
"Are you turned on?" she asked softly, batting her eyelashes. I simply
nodded, taking another bit of the apple she offered. Bella whimpered a little,
looking out ward.
"Come on down, I want to have a cigarette." I took the basket from her hand,
watching to make sure she was okay on the last few steps. We walked and I
lit a cigarette, giving Bella drags while we rounded up the rest of the fools.
I took the time to appreciate my surroundings- the rich colors of the
changing leaves, the pale blue sky dotted with huge fluffy clouds, and the
girl beside me that made everything fucking perfect…or as close to it as I
was going to get. She looked at me and my heart stuttered.
Apparently, Alice was taking time to appreciate her surroundings too
because she bent to pick up an acorn and sang, "I love the fall. All the little
acorns look like tiny baby peen heads." The girls groaned covering their
eyes, while Alice mused unaffected.
Jasper mouthed, "God, I love her."
"You got her drunk," I said flatly. "Nice first date, Jazz."
"No, she's always like this," Bella corrected. Rosalie nodded in agreement.
"What the fuck are we going to do with all these apples, anyway?" Jasper
asked, swinging the overflowing basket in his hand.
Bella answered matter of factly, "I'm going to make pie."
"Oh are you, now?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
Emmett cheered and did his famed apple pie dance, which was just a really
lame attempt at the running man while he chanted, "Apple pie, apple pie…"
I shook my head at his stupidity.
"Yup. Edward said he's been dying to taste my apple pie." She announced
proudly with a smug grin. I stared back at her incredulously.
Fuck.
After paying for the apples, we eventually made our way to the pumpkin
patch across the lot. Each of us picked out a pumpkin, while Emmett was
forced to drag the wagon, pissing and moaning about it the whole damn
time. The sun was setting and even though we were all hungry, we decided
that braving the haunted asylum thing before any of us had a large meal in
them was the best choice.
We opted for hot apple cider and cinnamon donuts, enough sustenance to
hold us over until we could get a real meal. The hot cups were welcomed
warmth for our icy hands as the sun slowly slipped beyond the black tree
lined horizon.
Bella and I fed each other our messy sugar coated donuts, earning dirty
looks and irritated eye rolls from Rose. She was definitely pissing me off
with her unnecessarily bad attitude, and I was going to make a point of either
confronting her or Emmett to see what the fuck was up with that shit.
The haunted attractions were just a short walk down the road. After deciding
we all would rather be high for the experience, the six of us ducked behind a
tall row of cornstalks where I sparked up a joint that I had stashed in my
cigarette pack. Everyone smoked up except Alice, who was convinced by
Jasper that she would likely be paranoid and nauseous the first time she
smoked, and those were not things any of us really had a desire to deal with.
He whipped out his silver flask again with a smirk, holding it to Alice's lips
and tilting to let her drink.
They seemed to be getting along a lot better as the night wore on. Alice
softened her resolve a bit as Jasper showed her he could in fact, not be such
a douche.
I sniffed the opening of the flask, recognizing it to be my mother's favorite
spiced Caribbean rum. I put it to Bella's lips before I took a huge swig
myself, trying to ignore that the opening had been on so many mouths prior
to mine. The joint passed in one direction as the flask went around the other
to meet in the middle of our formed circle. Once everyone was high, or
sufficiently inebriated to whatever degree, we followed the eerie music and
the canned screams toward the asylum.
Now, I wasn't one to be spooked or scared, and I enjoyed an occasional
horror movie with the best of them, but this shit was freaky. The condemned
hospital was surrounded by thick forest on three sides, fenced in by a black
iron gate. The building itself was erected on a hill, lit from the inside with
lightening and strobe effects along with haunting music that set the mood
effectively. A few zombie looking characters were running around in straight
jackets, one wielding a very fucking realistic chainsaw. The girls all shivered
and giggled, while the guys feigned indifference.
Once we waited in line and paid the ridiculously overpriced entrance fee, we
opted for the hayride toward the hospital as opposed to the long walk up the
hill. We were all fucking stoned and useless by that point and just flat out
lazy motherfuckers. We recognized a few familiar faces from Forks, as Tyler
and Connor stopped to talk with Jasper. A very drunk and obnoxious Jessica,
Lauren and Makenna were following behind them, stumbling and laughing
in their annoying cackles. I didn't even make eye contact with any of them,
just brushed past with indifference.
I noticed that Jess and Lauren were eyeing Bella up and down in their
typical bitchiness, so I motioned for her to walk ahead with me, knowing
that I didn't want her to be in their company after the library thing anyway.
Alice came along as well, because I think the whole thing with Jasper and
Makenna was just fucking awkward for her. Thankfully, they were on their
way out and didn't keep the conversation up too long.
We boarded the tractor-pulled wagon one at a time. I made sure I was behind
Bella, so that there wouldn't be an issue of me not offering her my hand
when she hoisted herself up. Thankfully, Emmett took it upon himself to do
that for all the ladies. Bella and I were the last ones on, forced to sit across
from one another, which was ideal for me because I enjoyed the view
immensely.
The tractor motor roared to life and we were on our way up through the dirt
road through the woods. After a minute or so, the driver pulled out his mic
and in an eerie voice, he narrated the tale of the haunted asylum.
"In the Winter of 1922, the old Hillside Sanitarium for the Criminally Insane
was set for demolition. The facility, located on the little used Sequim Hill,
which housed some of the state's most deranged and dangerously psychotic
patients was being condemned and many in Sequim were very glad to see it
gone. There were reports of hazardous, unfit conditions, unexplained deaths,
and mysterious disappearances among the doctors and staff. The few who
visited referred to the Sanitarium as the Devil's Dungeon.
"A transport bus carrying thirty-five of the most violently unstable patients
to newer and more secure mental institutions never arrived at its first
destination. A county wide search ensued and panic brewed in many
neighborhoods for among the missing inmates were serial killer and arsonist
Laurent Dread, and dangerous psychopath, James "The Ripper" Winters.
Also mysteriously lost was the little girl, Cynthia Benson who experienced
frightening visions and claimed that she could mysteriously foresee the
future."
The driver's voice was convincingly terrifying. Bella giggled, while the other
girls snuggled closer to their mates. It pissed me off to not be there for her
like a normal fucking boyfriend would. She offered me a meek smile, and I
knew she was feeling the same longing for my proximity.
"After a three month investigation several officers and blood hounds went
missing. Finally, the local police found the transport bus, empty and severely
burned, in the middle of Sequim Forest. The driver's body was found lashed
to a tree. His head was found in another tree. The remains of four transport
guards were discovered in an abandoned picnic area. Their bodies were
hacked and slashed apart and arranged to spell the phrase "No One Gets
Out." But none of the escaped patients were ever located.
"However, every now and then… one of the locals has reported sightings of
a tiny dark haired girl wearing a straight jacket…haunting the woods." At
that very moment, up on the hill lightening sounded and I swear a little girl
with cropped hair in a straight jacket ran across the path giggling.
Rosalie and Bella both screamed. "Holy fuck, you guys saw that shit, right?"
Emmett said looking completely freaked out. Alice ducked into Jasper's
armpit, which for me, was the last fucking place I would go to find safe
haven, but to each her own I suppose.
"Locals never venture into the area - never mention the place for fear of
what may hear… and emerge. What really lurks among the trees and in
looming shadows of Sequim Forest ? Could there truly be Evil In The
Woods? And will you survive when you learn the truth? Do you dare enter
or should you heed the maniacs bloody message… No One Gets Out!" The
driver turned to look at us with an undead expression as he threw his head
back and cackled ominously.
"Why does that sound so familiar? I think I'm having a weird deja vu!" Alice
said softly as she peeked out from underneath Jasper's arm convincingly
frightened. I watched Bella shiver in her seat, rubbing her gloved hands
together. It fucking pissed me off, because even Jasper had his arm around
Alice, keeping her snug in his embrace. And of course, Rose was back to
shooting daggers at my skull with her creepy blue eyes, likely because of all
the couples on the ride, I was the only one seemingly not comforting my
girl, which ultimately made me a dick.
One of the couples, clearly having enough fright for the evening, jumped off
the moving tractor and sprinted down the dirt path back to the entrance. As
everyone shifted closer, effectively closing in the empty spaces, I was about
to move next to Bella. Out of fucking thin air, a dead guy emerged from the
woods, hopped onto the side of the wagon, grabbing Bella's shoulders from
behind and holding his realistic, but artificial knife to her throat.
She screamed, shrill and terrified and I instinctively lunged toward the guy,
not really knowing what the fuck else to do. Even though he was a prop, and
his fake assault was supposed to be entertaining, Bella was ghostly white
and shaking as the guy sadistically sneered at her.
At the same time I lunged, Emmett who was sitting right next to Bella,
pulled his fist back and whopped the guy in the nose, causing him to fall off
the side onto the ground. The pretend dead guy curled into a writhing ball
yelling about his broken nose as the driver laughed and said, "Don't worry
about it, it happens all the time!"
It was sort of chaotic from there on. Rose looked up at him with narrowed
eyes filled with what seemed like anger as he ignored her and began to
proudly dance around the wagon and belt out the theme song to Rocky.
Another couple jumped off the back of the tractor, afraid of Emmett now, as
opposed to the zombies. Alice was chatting nervously and Bella was just sort
of stunned with her hands frozen around her throat.
"What the fuck, Emmett? I can take care of my girl goddamn it…" I sneered,
sitting next to Bella who was still visibly shaken. "Are you okay?' I asked.
Emmett and Rosalie began to argue quietly. He shot me an apologetic look
as I gave him one back. I didn't mean to snap, but there were things I was
still able to do and I resented the fact that he stepped in. I was the fucking
hero tonight, not him..
Bella's head was down as she whispered, "I'm fine...just freaked out."
Nevertheless, I could tell by the broken, breathy words and a cursory glance
at her glossy eyes, that she was not fine at all.
I moved closer to her, whispering, "B…are you having an panic attack?" She
shook her head vehemently with her hands covering her face.
"Oh God…yeah."
Fuck.
I scooted into the corner of the wagon, leaning up the jutted sides. I grabbed
the back of her coat, tugging her toward me and angling her so that she was
sitting between my legs, not touching her of course. "Bella, listen to me,
okay? You are fine. Take a deep breath through your nose and breathe out
your mouth," I instructed. She did as I asked, but I could see it wasn't
helping her. She glanced up at the rest of the crew who weren't paying much
attention to us. I knew she didn't want to do this in front of everyone. It was
embarrassing enough.
I needed to find a way for her to calm down and distract her from the
anxiety. Since I couldn't touch her, rubbing her back was out of the question,
which was what worked for me. I racked my brain as I watched her breathe
quietly but erratically. She looked back at me with so much fear and shame
in her eyes that it broke my fucking heart.
I leaned close to her ear, knowing she could feel my breath graze her skin.
"Bella listen, keep breathing… I want to tell you something. Are you
listening?"
She nodded meekly, her mouth open and gasping for air. She was getting
worse and I couldn't allow that to happen. "Fuck…put your hand behind
your back," I commanded. Bella wrapped her left hand around her back,
where I slipped my right hand into her fingers grasping tightly. Her eyes
closed as her grip tightened. My fingers found their way inside her glove
where I pulled back the knit fabric and began to massage her palm. Bella
turned her face toward me again, looking even more panicked.
"No one can see, Beautiful, don't worry," I whispered as she nodded. "I need
you to listen to me, okay? Just focus on my voice. I wanted to tell you that
um…"
Okay, so what I really wanted to say was that I was fucking in love with her.
However, I hastily rethought that statement, knowing that having a fucking
panic attack on a stupid haunted hayride was not the memory I wanted her to
have of the first time I said those words to her. Therefore, I went another
direction.
I asked, "What kind of injuries do ghosts get?" She shook her head, not
really understanding that I was attempting a joke. "Boo boo's."
Bella continued to breathe in quick shallow gasps, not responding. Okay, so
that wasn't working either.
"Uh…I didn't eat anything red until I was twelve."
Her eyebrows furrowed as she took another deep breath, quietly whispering,
"Okay."
I continued to rub soothing circles in her palm with my thumb. Her skin was
so warm and soft against my fingers. "And, um…I never ever take out
library books because they have too many germs on them. You never know
who's sneezed on one." In between breathing in through her nose and out of
her mouth she chuckled.
My mouth was millimeters from her ear, and I could smell her all around
me. It was sort of distracting, but I kept to the task at hand. "If there are two
chairs next to one another, I have to sit in the left one…I don't know why,
but I have to."
"You are such a freak," she whispered, still breathing heavily. I could tell
what I was doing was definitely distracting her though because she was
speaking in full sentences and her breaths were less shallow.
"Yeah, I know it," I responded honestly because I was well aware of my
many idiosyncrasies and truthfully, Bella was the only person I wasn't
ashamed to tell those things to. "I uh…have a box of stuff in my closet that
reminds me of you." I said that one quickly, not knowing how she would
react to it.
"What's in it?" she asked as my circles continued in her palm. "That feels so
good by the way," she breathed softly. Even though there was plenty of stuff
going on around us…zombies and screaming and Emmett and Rose still
arguing, frightened hayride passengers and the fact that we would be
arriving at the haunted building in like two minutes… Bella and I were in
our own world.
"Um…the wand and the empty bag of candy and the matches from the
Indian restaurant in Port Angeles, um…your underwear…"
She gasped lightly. "You kept all that stuff?"
I nodded. "Is that stupid?"
"No, it's so sweet, E. I mean…I kept all that stuff too, but I didn't think you
did too." Her face broke into a huge grin as she took another huge breath,
and relief took over the terror on her face. It was working. "Keep going…"
I tucked a curl behind her ear and whispered, "The first time I met you I
thought you were shallow and materialistic and totally not who you really
are. I didn't like you at all." Her mouth hung open. "But I also thought you
were really fucking hot and I couldn't stop staring at your ass." I shrugged at
my admission while chuckling at the memory.
"I thought you were a spoiled bad boy with a shitty attitude and I didn't like
you either," she whispered. I laughed aloud, which caused her to laugh
lightly too. "But I thought you were so beautiful and I kind of wanted to lick
your face." Bella shrugged then doubled over with laughter at my facial
expression.
"You wanted to….lick my fucking face? And you call me a freak? What the
hell B?" I pretend to be disgusted as I laughed with her. The color had
returned to her face, giving her that beautiful pink hue that I loved. She was
breathing normally. "Are you better now?"
"Yeah…it passed. Thank you so much." Bella took one last full gulp of
cleansing air letting relief wash over her face. She looked at me and bit her
lip. In our quiet corner the world was ours. It was another perfect yet wasted
moment for me to have kissed her, as our faces were still so close.
"Do you want to know the real reason I call you B?" I whispered. I hadn't
realized that my fingers were no longer rubbing circles in her palm, they
were tracing hearts. "It's for Bee…utiful." I smiled shyly, as her hand flew to
her mouth and she laughed sweetly. I wanted to fucking kiss her so badly, it
physically hurt.
The tractor came to a full stop at the top of the hill were we were greeted by
zombies and deranged dead doctors in lab coats all screaming their heads off
and daring us to enter. Bella looked at me with panic and dread in her eyes.
Hesitantly, I removed my hand from hers, standing.
"Guys, we're not going in, okay? We'll meet you down at the entrance." They
looked at me questioningly, but said no more. Emmett and Rose walked on
ahead, clearly in discord with each other. As Bella departed the wagon,
Jasper held his hand out to her, helping her down after Alice. I just shook my
head, disgusted with myself.
I lit a cigarette as Bella and I walked down the back way, away from
zombies or dead doctors or creepy little girls. She was quiet, holding her
arms crossed in front of her as if she were giving herself a hug. Just looking
at her like that, drained of energy, still high and a little drunk, made me feel
like complete shit.
We made our way down the path to Emmett's truck, where I started it up,
clicking the heat on full blast. Bella still hadn't said a word since we
departed the hayride, and I was wondering what was wrong. She just gazed
out the window in silence.
I pulled up near the entrance, parking on the lawn between other cars and
letting the engine idle. Leaning forward, I asked, "Bella, are you okay?" She
shook her head, not looking at me. "Bella…B…what's wrong? Tell me."
Her voice cracked as she looked down into her lap, wringing her hands. "I
just…feel so fucking stupid and …" She wiped her face with the back of her
hand.
"Shit." I reached over into the glove compartment looking for tissues.
Emmett was a fucking slob. He had a slew of condoms, and like, seventeen
packs of Sweet and Low in there, suddenly making him resemble my
grandma. I don't think I had ever even seen him use the damn things in his
coffee, ever. I finally found an old napkin, inspecting it for…whatever, and
hoped it hadn't been used for anything disgusting. She blew her nose in it
after wiping her face.
I shook my head in resignation. Leaning over to her, I whispered, "B, don't
feel stupid. It happens, it's not a big deal and no one even knew." I brushed a
lock of hair away from her face. She looked up at me, black eye makeup
smeared all over her cheeks.
"This is so fucking hard, E." She waved her hand back and forth between us
as a fat tear rolled down her cheek. "Cause most of the time, I think I can
handle it, and then something like this happens and I just need to… feel
you…"
The words sliced through me. Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around
her and crushed her to my chest, holding her as tightly to me as I possibly
could. I hid my face in the top of her head and repeatedly kissed her hair.
Her arms circled my waist tightly and I could hear her breathe in deeply,
before sobbing softly into my chest. My fingers stroked her hair gently while
I rubbed her back along the way down to the ends. It didn't even bother me
that she was getting makeup all over my shirt. Hugging her was just…
stupid, wrong…perfect, heaven.
And, it was necessary.
She was hurting and I needed to comfort her. Though I knew I had just
opened a metaphorical flood gate by doing this, what she was going through
was shitty and she need to feel safe and loved. If I couldn't do that for her,
what the fuck was my purpose?
"Edward…I'm sorry," she mumbled, her face still buried in my chest. "I
shouldn't be pressuring you into touching me or making you feel guilty for
not doing it, I just…" I shushed her and ran the pad of my thumb down her
cheek. She looked up at me again without letting her embrace loosen.
"Bella, don't worry yourself over it. It's okay …" I trailed off, not knowing
what else to say. It wasn't as though I had made a conscious choice to stay
away from her, it was out of necessity to the restrictions I had placed on me.
I fucking knew it was hard, I was feeling it every second that I was with her.
"I know it's hard, but I have no choice. I don't want it to be like this but it has
to be." She nodded against my shirt, hesitantly pulling away from me. My
arms felt barren at her departure.
"I know," she sniffed, pulling away from me to blow her nose again. "It just
really, really sucks."
"Bella, you do know that I'm not forcibly keeping you here. If you want to
go pursue a normal relationship, then you are free to go at any time." I
stupidly said out of sheer frustration. Before I realized it, I spoke the words
without thinking of the consequences of the statement. But I meant it simply
as a reminder that she had other options if she wanted them, if being with
me- or not being with me was too much to handle emotionally.
She looked at me with narrowed eyes. "Do you really think it's that easy for
me to just walk away and find someone else to pleasure me? God, Edward I
had no idea you had the capacity to be such an asshole." She sat back in the
seat with a huff.
"Bella, I didn't fucking mean it like that. I just know this is really hard and if
you don't think you can handle it then you have an out, that's all. You aren't
the one stuck in this fucked up situation, but I am."
"I'm not going anywhere," she said curtly, gazing out the window. "Not
unless you want me to."
I stared at her for a while, cursing internally at myself for ruining the day
with her. I was a fool to think she would just walk away because we couldn't
be intimate, because I hadn't realized that she probably felt close or maybe
even the same as what I felt for her.
"I'm sorry," was all I could muster up. "I don't want you to go…ever." She
nodded, still turned away from me. Some fucking hero I turned out to be.
A sudden knock on the drivers side window made us both jump. The four of
them climbed into the back, yelling about how great and how terrifying it
was and how Alice smacked one of the patients in the face when he grabbed
her.
Rosalie noticed that Bella was quiet, and when she began to fix her makeup
in the dim lighted visor mirror she said, "Bella, why the fuck were you
crying?"
Bella sighed, closing her compact. "I wasn't Rose, I'm fine. Just got
something in my eye." But from the exaggerated huff that Rosalie gave as
she sat back in the seat, and then the subsequent evil stares directed toward
me, I knew she was going to say something to me about it. I just had no idea
what the fuck to say back.
I pulled into a local chain restaurant and once we were all seated, the mood
was just completely awkward. Bella was practically silent the whole meal,
and Alice didn't shut the fuck up. She was high on rum and adrenaline,
which Jasper seemed to feed off of. Rose and Emmett snapped at each other,
clearly irritated at one another and me.
When I couldn't stomach the awkward tension anymore, I pushed my plate
away throwing a few twenties on the table. "I'll meet you guys at the car."
I stepped outside to have a cigarette, stupidly expecting Bella to follow me
out, but she didn't. I had just basically told her to get the fuck out if she
couldn't handle the conditions and she was really hurt by it. What a fucking
prick move.
When I was done smoking, I hit the bathroom, washing my hands before
taking a good look in the mirror. I hardly recognized the person staring back
at me. Who the fuck was I anymore?
Part of me thought that what I was doing with Bella was plain stupid. I
mean, did I really think I could expect her to hold off on touching for two
whole years?? Was it even fair to her to ask a sixteen year old girl to remain
abstinent and touch free for the best years of her life? Did I even think I was
able to continue with my forced abstinence for half as long? No, no and fuck
no.
We were together only a few weeks and already I had carried her up two
flights of stairs, held her hand and hugged her. Not to mention the fact that I
fucking used her as a humping post while she slept innocently and then lied
to her about doing it. This plan of mine was not working. At all.
But at the same time, we both knew there was no way walking away would
be at all easy for either of us at this point. Fuck...it was just an emotional
day, and tomorrow would be better, right? It would get easier as time wore
on. We would just need time to grow accustomed to the challenges this
situation brought us, that's all. At least that's what I was trying to convince
myself of and… failing quite fucking miserably at it.
I passed through the restaurant noticing that our table was now empty. With
my hands in my pockets, I jingled Em's car keys heading toward his Range
Rover. I heard voices…arguing voices…Bella's voice strong and defiant…
but couldn't see bodies as I approached. They were gathered on the other
side of the truck.
"Rose, it's not like that. He's… Just drop it, okay?" Bella said softly but with
irritation.
Rose's voice was hushed but loud enough to hear clearly. "Bella, aside from
the obvious of the way he looks, I don't get what you see in him. I mean, he's
too fucking special to sit in the back seat so he has to drive Emmett's car?
Bella went to hug him at the house and he steps away from her? No offense
guys, I know he's your brother and all but he couldn't even fucking help
Bella up into or out of the wagon and he never …touches her. Not even a
fucking kiss. Is he ashamed of her or something? Cause this supposed
abstinence bullshit is ridiculous."
"Rose, stop being such a bitch," Alice said quietly, her words slightly
slurred.
"Oh shut it, Al. You know you have an opinion on this just as much as I do."
Rosalie seethed, while Alice suddenly recoiled.
I leaned against the truck to listen to Bella's response only it was Emmett
that spoke. "Rosalie, just cut it out okay? You don't know what you're talking
about, so drop it." He was pissed. I took a deep breath and waited, not giving
a shit that I was eavesdropping.
"No, I will not drop it. You've been coming to her rescue all day, being noble
to Bella and I want to know why her boyfriend isn't doing that shit when
mine is?" Rosalie spat.
"She's my brother's girlfriend; I can't be nice to her? Are you that insecure?"
Emmett raised his voice.
"Oh, is that what Bella is to him…his girlfriend? Because he sure doesn't act
like it. Bella, I know you moved here because you were hurt by a guy back
home, and I don't want to see you go through anything like that here too. I'm
not jealous at all, I just don't want to watch you get treated like shit, no
matter who it's by."
"Rose, you should just stop talking now, seriously." Jasper huffed.
Rose was relentless. "Why am I the only one with issues with this the way
he treats her…can't anyone see the he's a selfish asshole? He made Bella cry
tonight!"
"Rose! He's not selfish at all…just stop please," Bella begged. I could her it
in her voice that she was welling up with tears again.
By this point, I had had enough. I had completely come down off the weed
and rum, and I was just feeling really shitty physically and emotionally. I
rounded the corner of the truck, purposely looking like I had been standing
there to witness the entirety of the conversation. Alice spotted me first
coughing to alert the group of my presence. I hit the remote, beeping the
doors open as everyone looked up at once. Faces fell, and Bella just looked
away.
"Rose, there are three things holding me back from slapping you right now.
One, is that I don't hit girls, two, is that you're my brother's girl and that shit
isn't gonna fly with him, and three… knowing the real shit that Bella has
been through in the last year, I have to say that I appreciate the fact that you
are so protective of her. She deserves to have friends like you. But you have
no idea what the fuck you are talking about as far as I am concerned." I
brushed past them, climbing into the driver's seat, and turned on the engine.
Everyone filed inside the truck after me in complete silence.
As I pulled out onto the highway, my fingers tapping agitatedly on the
steering wheel were the only sound in the otherwise silent car.
"This is such bullshit," Rose muttered again after a few minutes. Everyone
sighed. I took a deep breath, and prepared myself once again to tell the truth.
It was the only way at this point. This time, it was easier because I didn't
have to look anyone in the eyes.
"Hey Rose, you want to know what the real bullshit is?" I said curtly,
glancing up at her through the mirror. Her head snapped up to meet my
glare. "You want to know the reason you get to sit in the back seat of this car
and I get to drive? It's because a year ago, when we were living in Chicago, I
was falsely accused of date rape by a girl who was one of my best friends. I
was given a restraining order that legally prevents me from any contact with
females. Which is why I don't fucking date and everyone assumes I am
gay…including you. So the reason why I don't offer my hand to Bella, or
kiss her or touch her or do any of the things that I should be doing, shit that I
fucking want to do so badly it isn't even funny…and the reason why my
brothers step in and do it in place of me is because if I do any of it, I'll go to
fucking jail."
Alice gasped, muttering, "Oh no!" Jasper quieted her, whispering something
incoherent.
"And yeah, I am abstinent. Not because I fucking want to be… because
believe me there's nothing in this entire goddamn world that I would love to
experience more than being with Bella, but because I have no choice in the
matter. And the truth? The truth is that Bella is more than I deserve and I
fucking know I am so fucking fortunate to have this girl who patiently deals
with all my shit when she could have anyone she fucking wants but she
chooses to be with me…the shitty boyfriend that I am. So there…there's
your bullshit. Just do me one favor and keep it to yourselves, because I am
already the school freak and I don't think I can handle anymore shit on top of
what I am already dealing with, okay? Thanks."
I looked straight ahead as the car continued to remain silent. In my
periphery, I could see Bella gaping at me incredulously, but I momentarily
disregarded her so I could calm down and get my bearings.
"Is he fucking serious?" Rose asked softly.
"Yeah, he is," said a chorus of three.
"Shit. I'm…sorry Edward. I had no idea." I could hear the genuine remorse
in Rose's voice.
"Apologize to Bella…she's the one you've hurt," I snapped
"Bella…" Rose started, gently leaning forward to touch her arm. Bella
turned and laced her fingers in Rose's, immediately accepting her apology.
Emmett consoled Rose quietly as I put my hand on the center console
tapping my fingers absently on the plastic and metal. I felt Bella's soft scarf
brush my hand and I grabbed the end loosely in my fingertips, connecting us
once again. I gave Bella a smile, telling her silently that I was okay because
by the look on her face I knew she was concerned. My sweet girl…
The rest of the ride home was silent save for the music from the radio. I
looked up once and through the rearview, I could see Emmett hugging
Rosalie because she was crying softly. I wondered if it was because she felt
bad about what she said, or if it was because she felt sorry for Bella having
to endure this shit with me as the person she chose to be with. Alice had
fallen asleep in Jasper's arms and for the first time in a long while, he looked
content.
The second half of the day was a fucking mess. All I wanted to do was climb
into bed and sleep the fucker away. I just hoped it was something that could
be remedied and moved past and that Bella was the type of person that was
forgiving.
It was late when we got back to Forks. We emerged from the car, loading the
pumpkins and apples into the garage. Rosalie didn't speak to me again nor
could she look me directly in the eyes, so Em just drove her home, while
Jasper and I walked Bella and Alice down the street to their respective
houses. Jasper and Alice talked for a while out front before she hugged him
and kissed him on the cheek. Bella and I didn't say too much to each other,
just shared a cigarette and some shy, tired smiles.
When I got home, I showered and got into bed exhausted, turning on the
television. Shortly after, my phone buzzed with a text from Bella.
Thank you for today. That was the best hug I have ever had. Sweet
dreams. B.
I sent one back. Thank you for letting me take care of you. I am so fucking
lucky. E.
And I knew that we would be okay for a little while longer.
~%~

You guys keep asking if I am going to do a time lapse or suddenly have

the two year span interrupted so they can touch. Well, not that I am a
rocket scientist, but let's do the math, shall we? If I have 17 chapter that
cover like, a month of the story so far then if two years was drawn out to
the full time span…this story would be like 300 chapters. I don't have
that much time or patience for that shit.
Xoxox,
EBT
Me: Oh, hey E…what's up? Chapter 18 is Bella's turn, why are you here,
Honey?
E: Uh…*raises eyebrow expectantly* You know very well why I'm here,
EBT. Besides, no one likes B's point of view anyway. Hey…aren't, at
least three of the stories you are reading doing these interviews with
their characters?
Me: Yes, but I'm not copying, I just know that not everyone reads my stupid
author's notes and an interview with you they will read.
E: Why is that?
Me: Cos you're pretty and if I tell them you have your shirt off they will read
this.
E: But I am wearing a shirt. *holds out shirt *
Me: Oops… there it goes. And now you're shirtless…
E: Shit EBT, you see what you did to the hair? Damn it…
Me: Sorry. Come give me a hug *holds out arms for E. E scowls.*
E: You are older than my mom, you know.
Me: Shhhhh, just sit. I know you want a hug.
E: I do want a hug. Where's Suzy? She gives good hugs. She's soft
...comfy.
Me: Ummm…she's not here. You have me...*opens arms, cradles E… looks
at readers…and at Suzy…sticks out tongue*
E: Am I allowed to talk now?
Me: Hmmm? Oh yeah, go ahead.*inhales E's cologne while rubbing his
back in small soothing circles*
E: Okay well, I just wanted to make some clarifications about chapter
17. First off, when I was uh…humping Bella in bed, I had no intention
of raping her, or touching her inappropriately…aside from the
humping… I just meant that I wondered if she would even wake up, as a
remark about how soundly she slept, not how I would like to fuck her in
her sleep. I love her, and I wouldn't hurt her like that or take her
virginity. Besides, when I can do that and not get into trouble for it,
trust me, Bella will like it. Correction…she'll fucking love it.
Me: Okay well thank you for that. Only a handful of readers said anything
anyway. Is that all?
E: No…the part about me putting her in danger…those were all jokes,
people. I would never put Bella in serious danger and I'm not fucking
mental. Okay well, maybe a little bit, but seriously, I wouldn't really
hurt her. Again…I love her a whole fucking lot.
Me: Awww that's nice of you. Are you done?
E: No, I actually have some questions for you, EBT, inspired by the
readers. Hey… Isn't that Suzy hiding in the corner? Why does she have
a tranquilizer gun and duct tape?
Me: Just ignore her....its fine. Go on...Wait! Can I get a kiss first? *winks at
E*
E: Uh...no. How many chapters is this gonna be in total?
Me: Um…I'm gonna say at least 50. At least. Plus the Epilogue which is
going to be in three parts…or six...I don't know yet, it's a long way off.
E: *rolls eyes* Do you Twitter?
Me: *snorts* Uh no, I'm lucky I can use my cell phone to make a call, as I
am a seriously technotarded. Besides, I have nothing interesting to tweet.
Shut it Suzy.
E: The food that Esme makes us eat…are you making that shit up or is
it real?
Me: You know it's all real…right off the shelves of Whole Foods.
E: The text that Bella sent me about the hug...is that going to come back
and bite me in the ass?
Me: Awww, you're so cute, E. Nope. Erase it and we'll pretend it never
happened.
E: Is Charlie ever going to help me out with my case?
Me: Um…no, sorry. He'll definitely get involved to some degree, but it
won't help you…at all.
E: Thanks a lot there, EBT. Am I ever going to appeal the case against
Charlotte?
Me: Uh…that's also a big no. It's too legally involved and I am too lazy to
research that shit, plus the story would sort of suck if you did, so…
E: So you are keeping me in an imaginary chastity belt like one of the
fucking Jonas Brothers for your amusement?
Me: *nods and shrugs pointing to readers* Their amusement. Yeah…sorry.
E: Fuck, EBT. Am I ever gonna get laid by something besides my own
fucking hand?
Me: Yes, Sweetie. Just be patient. Let me tell the story as I see in my vision
and everything will be fine.
E: So do I ever get to use a vibrator on Bella or what?
Me: *shrugs shoulders*
E: I hate you. I'll talk to Suzy…she'll help me out. She understands me.
Me: Keep it up, E…and I'll put you in a horrific accident that causes you to
tragically lose your arms…no piano, no guitar, no baseball, no stealing
kisses in her sleep, no touching Bella's pussy, no jerking it…no nothing.
E: You suck. I'm going to go smoke a joint.
Me: *waves* Bye Edward…
E: *turns and gives EBT his middle finger*FUCK!!! What the hell was
that for? Why is there a dart sticking out of my ass.....Jesus Suzy why
did you shoot me?
Suzy: I'm sorry baby....now tell the readers what we talked about earlier
and I won't need to use the duck tape.
E: GO READ HER FUCKING OUTTAKES!!! JESUS...that hurts....
Me: Ahhh…teenagers and delusional Betas who think they still are. Damn...I
never should have given her that fake gun permit...didn't think it would be
good in Ohio. Who knew? Oh by the way, if you guys PM me to ask a
question, and you want me to answer it, then turn on your private message
enablers!!!!*shakes finger at readers*

Thanks to the usual suspects, Becca and Suzy, kisses ladies, and to the
girls on the thread and to all of you reading and reviewing. Your words
and offers to send me caseloads of Benadryl for the demon and your
commemorative New Moon cups make my day, I swear.
Also, big hugs to Ssherrill115 for her lovely review on The Southern
Fanfiction review. www (dot)southernfanfictionreview (dot)com
Here's some fluff for ya, and absolutely no further plot progression.
Bella's 'vintage' shirt is on my profile.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 18~ Everything
Find Me Here, Speak To Me
I want to feel you, I need to hear you
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
Everything~ Lifehouse
~Bella~
When I finally came in that night, I showered and changed into my pajamas.
I sat on my bed with my legs crossed just…thinking… contemplating…
obsessing. This day was so fucking weird. Over and over I played the events
of the day through my mind, picturing the day through visions as if I were
viewing a film.
I saw myself receiving the very sweet gift from Edward of the hat and
gloves and making a disastrous mistake of attempting a hug without
thinking… and his face…slightly horrified with a touch of disapproval. I
reminisced about picking apples and making overt sexual innuendos on the
ladder, while laughing and having an almost flawlessly wonderful day until
the goddamn zombie dude had to fake knife me and set off a panic attack…
and then how Edward brought me down from it so easily with admissions of
his secrets and idiosyncrasies… hot breath and sweet words in my ear with
warm fingers tracing shapes on my palm…
And to my complete astonishment and delight, he secretly held my hand
through it all and then furnished me with the best hug known to any woman
in the history of unallowable embraces. It was so beautiful and sweet and
wonderfully poignant for us both.
But then he had to ruin the whole fucking thing by being an asshole. I rolled
my eyes at the admission. Imagine that…a guy being an asshole...
I suppose I was a bit harsh in my instant accusation upon hearing the words
he spoke with such nonchalance. But I was insulted and hurt to say the least,
at his seemingly thoughtless statement. Did he not realize the lengths I
would go in order be his? Did I not make my intentions perfectly clear? I
was prepared to withstand normal relationship parameters for two whole
years just to be by his side, and he thought that I would simply walk away
because I needed to get felt up?
Stupid boy. Stupid fucking boy.
My first reaction was utter hurt when he said the words because I thought
maybe to him, the depths of what he felt for me were shallow at best. He
clarified his statement by saying he was simply reminding me that he was
the only person in our relationship forced to abide by the rules of non-
permissible contact, and that I was free to live a life within typical teenage
norms- making out, dry humping, gratuitous breast gropes and non self
inflicted orgasms. Free to live a life without him.
However, those things… things I desired in a capacity that was
incomprehensible… I wanted them with Edward, and Edward only. The
thought of having another boy 's hands on me was repulsive, and I would
contentedly wait two years until it was Edward Cullen's fingers and mouth
and boy parts inside of me, filling me, satisfying me, causing me to scream
his name aloud until my toes curled.
Because I loved him, truly and deeply. And I would wait…because he was
worth it.
I was put off by the whole end of the night, just pissed and irritable.
However, right before I shut the lights I texted Edward remembering how
his face was so sad, and he was chewing on the inside of his mouth absently,
obviously feeling shitty for hurting my feelings and ruining our moment. I
needed him to know that I appreciated what he did for me, even though what
he said afterward upset me.
And his reply made me feel a million times better. Thank you for letting me
take care of you. I am so fucking lucky. E.
So I snuggled into my covers, as per my usual routine.
Dear God,
If the story at the hayride held even a shred of truth, please let those ghosts
and lost spirits find their way back home to wherever they belong…
especially the little girl. She freaked me the hell out. Ooops sorry. Um…
please watch over my family and my friends and please help Jasper and
Alice's relationship along. They seem to be doing okay, but they might need
a little divine intervention, if you know what I mean. Also, please help
Edward to forgive Rosalie. I know she can come off harsh sometimes, but
she was just trying to be a good friend. And thank you for letting Edward
give me that hug today. I really needed it, more than I can even explain. Kiss
him goodnight for me and fill his dreams with happiness and love.
Amen.
I refrained from having any fantasies and I slept like shit that night.
When Rosalie's phone number popped up in the identification screen on my
cell the next morning, I almost didn't answer it. I knew she was probably still
feeling shitty about what happened, but in truth, I wasn't mad. It was
Edward's words that made me realize that I did have true, good friends in
both Rosalie and Alice; friends who would be so protective of my happiness
and well being that they would voice their unwelcomed opinions to a person
they considered unstable and…hostile. I knew they were both admittedly
afraid of Edward, which was highly absurd from my point of view, but not
as ridiculous from a person that didn't know him as well. He could come off
as very intimidating.
"What kind of cigarettes does Edward smoke?" she asked curtly.
I furrowed my eyebrows at her odd question as I lay back down onto my
pillows. "Huh? Oh, hey Rose," I replied with morning scratchiness in my
voice. My alarm clock read 9:17 in the morning. Doesn't anyone sleep in
anymore? I cleared my throat. "Why do you ask?"
Rosalie sighed. "Well, because if he had gone and insulted me yesterday, I
would expect flowers from him or something as an apologetic gesture. But
since I can't see Edward finding much appreciation in a bouquet of roses, I
want to give him something that shows my remorse or whatever for judging
him. And I'll be damned if I buy him something designer from Sak's before I
buy myself something from there…that boy has some expensive fucking
taste!"
"Well, Rose, nothing says I'm sorry like a box of Marlboro Lights. It's very
thoughtful of you, but I don't think it's necessary. I'm sure he's already over
it." I wasn't sure at all, but I wanted her to feel better nonetheless. "He does
like M&M's."
"Yeah, well, Emmett's not over it. And since we're all going over there
tonight to carve the stupid pumpkins or whatever, I need this shit to be
squashed. I think also, that it took a lot for him to admit that stuff to us last
night. I'm really sort of stunned by it because, this has to be so fucking hard
for you….for the both of you. Why didn't you say anything to us before,
Bella?"
"Rose, I couldn't betray his confidence and…you guys had already formed
so many opinions on him and whether or not he was gay and dangerous that
I don't know…Edward is who he is and I think he's great, so the fact that he
has a situation is kind of…well, it sort of doesn't even matter to me all that
much," I responded in part truth.
"How the hell can it not matter to you? Your own boyfriend can't kiss you.
How can that not bother you?" Her voice screeched. I held the phone away
from my ear protectively, wincing at her sharp octave.
"I didn't say it doesn't bother me, it fucking sucks monkey balls to tell the
truth but it's just that…I don't have much of a choice now. The way I feel
about him… I'll take whatever I can get from him."
Rosalie gasped. "You love him, don't you? I mean love him love him!"
I giggled and rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I think I do Rose… I think I really do
love him. But we haven't said that to one another yet, and honestly, I have no
idea if he feels that way about me so don't go running your big fat mouth to
Emmett."
"Well, let him say it first. You hold out for it, okay? Promise me!"
"I promise, Rose. Why am I the only one promising things here? You
promise not to say a word…to anyone. Has Emmett said it to you yet?"
"Okay, okay, I promise. Not yet, sometimes I feel like he wants to but he just
doesn't. I think he's waiting until we do it to say it."
"You guys haven't done it?" Now I was the one screeching.
"Nope, and not for lack of me trying. He wants it to be all special, not like,
in the back of his car or anything. We're waiting for the right moment or
location or whatever."
"That's actually really sweet, Rose. Em is a good guy, such a gentleman. I
bet his mother is very proud."
"Yeah, I guess. Em is very thoughtful with me. I'm lucky." I nodded silently,
knowing that she really was blessed in all aspects and that she would
probably never truly appreciate that. But who was I to judge?
As we continued to talk, Rose admitted that she thought we were having a
fight on the hayride, when in reality it was the exact opposite. She sounded
genuinely remorseful for passing judgment on Edward and I thought it was
really mature of her to want to make sure that there was no animosity
between them.
We talked some more about my situation and some of the things Edward and
I did in place of touching, though as of yet, there wasn't a great deal to
discuss. Her astonished reaction sort of made me feel like the star in a freak
show, or some weird charity case, but I knew it wasn't intentional. That was
just Rosalie... she saw things as very black and white whereas I was all
about exploring the many shades of gray areas.
But she did clue me in on the fact that dirty talk was key to a man's loyalty,
as was sex, though we agreed in my case it would have to be mutual
masturbation with some creativity in that department. She was all too wiling
to school me in the finer ways of the art of seduction, and truthfully, I was
grateful for the extra help. I mean, I was fully aware that could navigate the
ways to Edward's crotch pretty easily, because he was sixteen and a boy and
compulsory abstinent, and I don't think he was all that discriminating when
it came to fulfilling his urges.
Let's face the facts…the boy was gonna get it however he could.
However, I wanted to make certain that since we couldn't touch, I could keep
him satisfied in that way. I knew teenage boys were fickle with short
attention spans, and it terrified me that Edward would grow bored of two
years of nothing but talking. Not that I thought he would attempt to find it
elsewhere, because the same result would follow him to whomever he chose
to "be with." He couldn't "be with" anyone, really.
The thing that loomed darkly in the depths of my mind was the fact that he
wasn't permitted to be with a female minor…minor being the choice word
there. He could easily find some eighteen year old to be with in a
heartbeat…and that fucking petrified me.
As I expressed my fears about the situation to her, I found that I was
legitimately shocked that she would be supportive and sympathetic. She
promised to make sure I kept Edward happy but she reminded me that it was
my responsibility to make sure I was happy as well and that I shouldn't
compromise my needs or wants for him or because our relationship was so
confined.
All of my needs and wants included Edward and no one but, so it didn't even
occur to me that I would be compromising…just waiting until he was able.
Besides, I really wanted to be with him physically, so it wasn't as though by
trying to "please" him, I was doing something I was uncomfortable with just
to hold onto him. This was my choice as well as my desire.
I looked at it this way- if I wanted to remain a virgin until I was eighteen or
whatever age, then I would expect that he would respect my conditions as
well. It was the same thing, only slightly more restrictive.
I hung up with her an hour later, somewhat exhausted but relieved at the
help and support I had from her. After I showered, I dressed in yoga pants
and a long sleeved tee shirt before heading downstairs. I ate the delicious
chicken Caesar salad that Maggie made for us while trying my best not to
get pissed that it was almost noon and Edward hadn't called yet.
I so did not want to be one of those girls that played head games and acted
all self righteous and stupid when it came to boys…but I couldn't help it.
Our relationship was still so fragile and new and undefined, and my
insecurities and fears escalated all the unknown. It made me tired and
anxious to think about it.
While I ate and made small talk with dad and Maggie, I was trying not to
feel weird that Maggie had not only made me lunch, but had slept over
again. Eating her lunch made me feel a little like I was betraying my mother,
especially since nothing she ever cooked was half as good as the salad.
I mean, I was fully aware of what my dad and Maggie did in his bedroom
and while I was glad he had his own life it was all just so …scratch my eyes
out- douse my brain in bleach -ewwww.
Besides, I was little annoyed at Charlie on top of it. He insisted on helping
me clean up the mess in the basement on Friday, even though I told him I
was perfectly capable of doing it myself. It was actually kind of nice, being
able to hang out with him while doing something productive. It was rare that
I didn't have to fumble and rack my brain for things to talk about with him. I
didn't fish, nor did I follow sports, and he wasn't into shopping or Edward
Cullen, so other than the weather, we were at a loss as to amiable
conversation.
He always seemed so strange around me, almost as though he felt weighted
with guilty feelings or something. I didn't quite get that, but did my best to
ignore it anyway and just try to have a decent relationship with him, free of
typical teenage daughter/ overprotective father weirdness.
After the mess of glass was thoroughly cleaned and the contents of the fallen
shelf back in their respective places, I finally found the old family picture I
had been searching fruitlessly for in the storm. When Charlie took a look at
it, the expression on his face made my heart lurch.
"That was a nice day," was all he had said about it. I nodded, not
remembering the specifics of that day, but feeling sad at the little spark of
nostalgia that flickered in his eyes.
Amongst the many boxes of crap, I found some treasures. Amid the riches
was a great black leather picture frame, perfect for the picture of Edward I
had. I also found a bag of my mom's old clothes, in which this fantastic
purple shirt that apparently was like a good twenty years old was hidden in.
When I picked it up, I gasped aloud, turning the shirt toward my father's
direction so he could see the silver writing on the front. He laughed,
explaining the entire story behind the phrase, while singing a verse from the
song lyrics that it apparently derived from. I laughed my ass off at him while
he did the dance that accompanied said song, not realizing that not only did
my father was a gifted rapper, but could bust out some old style dance
moves.
He must have been fun in high school. I think I saw a little glimpse of what
my mother saw back then, and what Maggie saw now.
I asked him about the unopened paint cans in the corner of the basement. He
informed me that the six cans of Pepto Bismol pink paint were intended for
the tree house when it was first built, but that he never seemed to get a day
without rain to actually carry out the task. While I wondered if the boys
would have inhabited the house had it been pink, my father mumbled
something about getting rid of the damn thing all together. I gasped aloud,
protesting vehemently, to which he held his hands up in defense and dropped
the subject. The tree house was all I had left of my childhood, and it held too
many memories of my short return back in Forks with Edward.
Anyway, later on that night, he conned me into going out to dinner with him
and Maggie and a few of their friends. I never, ever would have agreed to it,
had I known I was going to be used as a sacrificial virgin offered up to the
highest bidder. As it turned out, Charlie was trying to work out a business
deal with this man Mr. Uley, who was not only a friend of his, but also
owned a great building in a prime Seattle location in which Charlie wanted
to rent space from. The space was being bid on by several interested parties,
and Charlie obviously thought wining and dining the guy would help seal
the deal. Oh, and using me to entertain his stupid kid like some kind of
deranged matchmaking scheme.
Mr. Uley brought his wife and fourteen year old son to dinner, and I was
stuck making small talk with the stupid kid who couldn't make eye contact
with me, smelled like meatballs and patchouli and talked about nothing but
The Harry Potter franchise all night. I found myself mesmerized by the bits
of food stuck in his braces and the way he had no idea that it was completely
disgusting to talk with his mouth full. Needless to say, it wasn't pleasurable.
At all.
So I was sort of pissed at Charlie for omitting the fact that I would be forced
to be the stupid kid's entertainment for the evening, though he swore he had
no idea the stupid kid was even coming. I was surrounded by deceit and
lies…
So in light of that, apparently Maggie felt badly that I had been duped and
prepared lunch, which was damn good. I asked her if she had a quality
recipe for apple pie and she promised to email me her grandmother's secret
recipe. I left after that, heading to Port Angeles for a party. Though it was a
bit chilly, the sky was an unbelievably clear shade of blue, seeming even
brighter and more vibrant by the wash of deep reds and oranges of the
changing leaves against the horizon. Two gorgeous days in a row…
unfathomable.
On the way, Edward called, still sounding sleepy and warm in his bed with
the covers wrapped all around his beautiful half naked body. Just the thought
of him in a state of undress made feel tingly and stupid and all smiley.
"Hey, Beautiful," he said groggily. "How are you feeling? Why didn't you
call me before you left?"
"I am feeling fine and I was waiting for you to call me first."
"Well, I was fucking sleeping so how could I call you?" He sounded a little
irritated. "Don't play that game with me, B. If you want to call then just call.
I was all sad that I didn't have a message from you when I woke up."
I smiled, silently "aawwwing" to myself. "Are you naked right now?" I
asked, trying my best to sound sexy, but I don't think it was at all effective.
He laughed, his voice suddenly bright and cheery. "Um, no but I will be in
two minutes when I get into the shower. Wow, someone's horny this
morning." In the background, I could hear the sound of water as it gushed
through the spray of the shower head.
I'm horny all the time, Edward. You're just noticing this now?
Things stirred down below. A lot. I may have even checked down below to
make sure my cootch hadn't spontaneously combust into flames.
"Ummmm…I can picture you right now…all naked and sleepy with your
hair a crazy mess. Tell me what you're doing right now."
His breath caught and instantly, Edward purred for me... a low growl
emanating from his chest. The change in his voice was just like it was when
he almost made me explode in the library, silky smooth and seductive, low
and deep; a killer seducing its prey. "Mmmm, I just took off my pajama
pants and now I'm leaning my forearm arm on the glass shower door…"
God help me.
He's leaning…naked.
"Oh, your naked and leaning…I love when you lean on stuff," I breathed
cringing, because while it was true that I did cherish a good lean, it was a
weird thing to admit.
He chuckled again, sighing. "Yeah? God, you're strange. I'll have to
remember that."
"Are you going to…you know….in the shower?" I asked softly, making the
turn onto Main Street.
"Yup," he responded definitively. "Why do you ask?"
"Um…cause I can't wait to watch you again," I responded softly. Now,
where I got that from, I don't know, but it was as if my cootch was on
autopilot and some sort of alien had taken over my speech functions. Edward
naked did that to me, I had no excuses.
"Fuck, Bella," he breathed, with a smooth hissing sound. I could almost feel
his hot breath wash over me. "I want to watch you…fuck…I want to do
more than watch…I want to make you come and hear you moan and…fuck."
I could hear his breathing change into staggered little puffs as if he were
suddenly engaging in some sort of physical activity. Then I realized that he
had a little problem and he was… taking care of it right then.
"Are you touching yourself?" I asked, with slight disbelief, yet I knew the
obvious answer.
"Uh, yeah."
"Do you want me to let you go?" I asked, slightly irritated. The heat and
ache in my girlie parts was increasing steadily.
"Yeah…no…stay…talk to me."
As I drove past Billy's store front, the spaces along the street were all taken
up, with what I assumed was Halloween shopping traffic. "Okay, hold on a
sec, I'm pulling into the parking lot."
I pulled around back, sliding into the lot near Jacob's deserted shop, where I
turned the engine off. I had ten minutes until I was due to arrive at work, and
I thought whimsically that I might as well make use of my time.
"Okay, I'm parked. What do you want me to say?" Edward's breathing was
definitely labored, small barely audible grunts and whimpers coming from
the other end of the phone.
"I don't know…are you alone? Can you…touch yourself too?"
I looked around cautiously. The lot was desolate save for a few expensive
cars, empty of drivers. I assumed because of the high end models, they were
cars that needed to be worked on and whatnot, and not simply parked there
while their owner's shopped. I slumped down in my seat, cradling the phone
to my left ear, while slipping my hand into my pants. I was really wet, and
Edward's little noises on the other side of the phone were the reason.
A brief but random thought ran through my head about getting electrocuted
while on the phone and having my hand in wetness, because with my luck I
would be the first person to have that happen to, and just the though of
having to explain to Charlie why I was all charred made me shudder.
Note to self: get a Bluetooth and tinted windows....
"Mmmmm…" I breathed, hitting my spot just so. I made small passes back
and forth with my middle finger, as I threw my head back, my whole body
tensing with the euphoric pleasure.
"Fuck…are you seriously touching yourself right now, Beautiful?" Edward's
voice was deeper than usual, but smooth as silk.
"Yes," I whispered with one eye open. As excited and turned on as I was, I
couldn't help but feel dirty and depraved and a little bit skanky for
masturbating in an auto garage parking lot minutes before I had to go
perform Sesame Street songs to a million little kids in a fucking Elmo
costume. God, I hoped there weren't cameras back there.
"Oh God, that's so fucking hot," Edward moaned. "Are you wet?"
I stifled a giggle. It wasn't humorous at all, but I was still really amateur at
this. "Very, very wet. I'm imagining it's your fingers, E. And your mouth
and…"
"Baby, I can't wait to fucking go down on you and taste you on my tongue.
I'm gonna suck on your nipples, and lick them and bite them until you moan
and scream…" By the sound of the broken pants that accompanied his
speech I could tell that Edward was getting pretty busy back home. He was
close.
Note to self: get E a Bluetooth too.
I sped up my strokes, bringing my knee up so that my foot was on the seat,
to gain better access to the area. It felt really, really good, much better and
more intense than normal. My eyes were shut, imagining Edward doing the
things he was narrating to me while I was naked underneath him and
watching his tongue swirling around my nipples as he kissed lower and
lower…
"Fuck...I'm gonna cum," he said with urgency.
"That's it Hotness…come hard for me." I cringed stifling a laugh, while
feeling completely stupid about the dirty talk, as I didn't know if what I was
saying was any good. But Edward grunted and cursed, and I assumed I did
well regardless. While he finished, I continued to touch myself in vain.
Though it felt so damn good, I would need a lot longer than three minutes to
find an orgasm.
Edward was quiet on the other end except for breathy pants, and I was
listening to him, trying to picture his face all blushed and covered in sweat.
God, I wanted him…
Lost in my fantasies, I thought I heard a familiar voice in the distance and
peeked up through the windshield. "Oh shit! I gotta go!" I clicked the phone
shut tossing it on the seat while I ducked lower, pulling my hand out of my
pants in haste as the voice outside grew louder.
Fucking Jacob!
Jacob was walking toward my car, dressed in normal guy clothes with his
cell phone in hand chatting away. My fingers were sort of…sticky…and I
looked around frantically for something clean to wipe them on. In the back
seat was Edward's sweatshirt, freshly washed and folded, waiting its proper
return to him. Cringing and shaking my head, I wiped off my hand on the
sweatshirt, feeling completely disgusting about the whole thing, and not able
to find much humor in the situation.
Jacob rapped his hand against my window three times, smiling his big
toothy grin at me. I pushed open the door and hopped out, hoping he
wouldn't be able to recognize the scent of recent teenage lust activities of
dirty talk and front seat masturbation.
"Hey, what's going on, Bella? Were you taking a little nap there?" He nodded
to the front seat chuckling as I fidgeted nervously.
"Um, hi Jake." I stepped forward to meet his awaiting hug. "I was just
talking to my boyfriend." My phone rang inside the car. I grabbed the phone
off the front seat knowing it was Edward before it even rang.
I could hear his voice, irritated and worried on the other end as I picked up.
"I'll call you back in ten minutes," I said quickly to him, before snapping the
phone closed. Something deep down in the pit of my stomach gave me the
distinct feeling that he would be pissed about me hanging up on him while
he was having an orgasm to talk to another guy. Not going to be happy about
it…at all.
"Boyfriend, huh? Would I know him?" he asked with a skeptical eyebrow
raised.
"Uh, no, probably not. He's my age and his family only moved here less than
a year ago. So, what are you doing here on a Sunday? I thought your shop
was closed?" I asked, clicking the alarm remote and walking toward Billy's
while Jacob strode alongside. I had forgotten how tall he was- taller than
Edward even.
"Came to look for a costume for Saturday," he said with an air of
impatience. "I have a party to go to and I can't find shit to wear. My friends
are all going as fucking werewolves…" he shook his head and rolled his
eyes.
I chuckled. "Creative," I joked. "I still have to find a costume myself."
We entered through the back entrance together, Jake holding the door open
while I slipped under his arm. I waved to Billy, grabbing the clipboard off
the wall with the party information and scowling. First birthday party at the
Port Angeles Knights of Columbus Hall.
It was Elmo…dammit.
I still had some time, as the event location was literally five minutes away,
so Jacob and I looked through the costumes together. He put on this great
black hairy gorilla mask and jumped out from behind one of the aisles as I
was inspecting a hideously tacky blue stewardess costume. I screamed and
moved to slug him in the arm but flinched back before I could make contact.
Then he attacked me from behind tickling me until I was in a little ball on
the floor begging him to stop.
And that was weird.
For one, I already had begun to condition myself against the necessary
precautions and restrictions Edward's situation required. After his reaction
when I moved to hug him involuntarily on Saturday, I told myself over and
over that I had to be more cautious and discriminating with my sudden
movements, affectionate or otherwise. While I was somewhat oddly proud of
myself for automatically showing restraint with Jacob, I felt really
disheartened at the same time. And this thing with Jacob tickling me… while
completely innocent and genuinely brotherly in nature, made me feel like I
was cheating on Edward. It felt so wrong.
I let another guy touch me.
That shouldn't be an issue, should it?
He noticed my sudden discomfort, and moved away back to the masks,
while I searched the more expensive section of the racks for something else.
The cheaper, traditional costumes were slim pickings and I was growing
weary that we would never find anything. Then, shiny black satin trimmed
in rich red speckled with black dots caught my eye. It was shoved back in
between some other dresses thankfully, so no one had snatched it up. I pulled
the little dress off the metal rack to examine it closer. Though the flouncy
little skirt with layers of black netting was quite wrinkled, and one of the
wings was bent, the outfit was absolutely adorable…and expensive, but
sweet nevertheless.
Jacob came back a few minutes later holding up a white cotton jumpsuit
against his chest while poking me in the thigh with a long plastic tube.
"This is cool, right?"
I looked at the costume still on its plastic hanger while gasping aloud, and I
knew instantly that it was perfect.
"No…it's perfect. Give me that!" I snatched it away from him to gape at the
costume, while I ran my fingers over the lettering printed on the front. I
whipped my phone out and made Jacob hold the costume up against him so I
could take a picture. He protested with a scowl, but I ignored him. I sent the
picture to Edward (sans Jacob's head) with a text:
Sorry about before. Would you wear this?
Two minutes later he responded, Depends on what R U wearing
I handed Jake my phone instructing him how to take a photo. Pulling down
my shirt to reveal a little cleavage as required by the cut of the dress, I held
the dress to my body, letting the rich satin corset form around my boobs.
Jake's eyes almost popped out of his head.
"Shut it, perv and just take the damn picture." He took it, I sent it.
Two minutes later, Edward replied with a text:
Shit that's fucking hot. Happy Halloween B.
I paid for the costumes using my generous employee discount, smiling at the
thought of how sweet we would look.
Jacob was a little miffed about me stealing his costume, and then resigned to
just being "a stupid fucking werewolf like the rest of the douches." I
shrugged my shoulders, not caring about any of that, just pleased about my
own finds.
Jake helped me to the car with my bags and the horrendous, stinky red Elmo
costume. He asked me to dinner again, which after reminding him like
seventeen times that I had a boyfriend, I politely declined. I had the feeling,
however, that it wouldn't be the last of his efforts to take me out. I shook my
head thinking that I was fucking sixteen years old and he was a hot,
successful twenty three year old guy who could get any girl that he wanted.
Why on earth would he want to have dinner with me?
A few minutes later, I was lifting on the enormous red head of the costume,
and making my way out to the ballroom floor to entertain thirty whining one
year olds and a couple of random older kids, completely annoyed to be there.
It was sheer mayhem, no joke. Little kids, dressed in little party dresses and
mini sweater vests were running all over the place, being chased by their
nicely dressed yet amazingly bedraggled parents.
The whole place was decorated in thousands of red balloons, red flowers and
red streamers, while dripping with Sesame Street paraphernalia. Even
through the mildew odor of the stinky costume, I detected the faint hint of
sugary cupcake frosting, urine and poo.
Remembering Sasha's words of wisdom upon my orientation at Billy's I
hammed it up, dancing and waving for the kids in over exaggerated
movements to corny kids party music. It was really difficult to see through
the face part and I had absolutely no peripheral vision, so I was deathly
afraid of squishing one of the babies. But all went well regardless, and there
was no carnage left in my wake. Though I was sweating like a filthy animal
in the horrific suit, and obsessing that I wouldn't be able to pee if I needed
to, I actually had a lot of fun. I actually could have just peed in the damn suit
and it wouldn't have smelled any worse, to tell the truth.
Then little Henry showed up. Well, Henry introduced himself to me, shaking
my hand and eyeing my nasty red fur up and down skeptically. I could tell
he was somewhat older than the rest of the kids, like maybe six or seven.
Before I could even gather my thoughts, little Henry was screaming and
pointing.
"There's a man inside Elmo! There's a man inside Elmo! He's a fake. See…
you can see his hair!" Some of the other little kids looked horrified and
began to cry. I sort of stood there, feeling like I had done something wrong
when all the moms came to pick their teary babies up off the dance floor.
Shit…someone shut this kid up.
Man? Man? Do these look like they belong on a man, kid?
I squeezed my boobs in protest through the suit in extreme irritation, though
no one could tell what the hell I was doing. Henry proceeded to run around
me in circles, pointing and accusing me of being a man. Since I had no
peripheral vision I would lose the little fucker every time he ran behind me. I
would feel him poke my butt area, then before I could turn around he'd be
screaming again. Why was this little shit invited to the party and where in
the hell were this monster's parents?
I turned quickly in attempt to see where he was but the little fucker was way
too fast for me. I was getting dizzy going around in circles and then I figured
if I just walked away, he would leave me alone. Since I couldn't see him, as I
stepped to walk off in the opposite direction, I may or may not have put my
foot out in his path.
Then I felt his feet against mine before I heard him go down with a rough
thud. Inwardly, I gave myself a high five.
Tickle that, Henry.
He started screaming. "Elmo tripped me! Elmo tripped me!"
His mother came barreling toward us all frantic and worried about her evil
demon. Bout time she decided to get off her ass to come over. Where was
she before Henry outed me?
Henry pouted and put on the fakest cry I had ever heard. I rolled my eyes
inside the suit, but knelt to rub his leg nonetheless, hoping his mother would
at least fork over a decent tip for having to endure her pain in the ass, dork
of a kid. I could see it now…Henry...future president of the A/V, Chess and
I'm Not Getting Any Clubs. Though, that was not really fair, cause I wasn't
getting any either.
Ohh…don't feel bad Henry, its not that terrible...
Once each and every child sat on my lap for a professional photo, I hugged
the birthday boy goodbye, collected my salary and tips, and managed to
swipe two unlabeled goodie bags off the table unnoticed. Sasha was right. I
had made over three hundred dollars in just over an hour.
I swung by Billy's again to unload Elmo. Once I arrived home, I
immediately headed for the shower, washing off the scum left by the little
ones and the grunge that rubbed off from the costume.
I was anxious to get to Edward's, so I didn't bother with styling my hair.
Instead, I just put it up into to a messy knot on my head and dressed in jeans
and the purple shirt from the basement which I pulled out of the dryer.
Clutching my goodie bags, and the shopping bag with Edward's costume, I
threw on my jacket and skipped down the path toward the tree house.
I heard them arguing before I even got near there. "She's not going to go for
it." Edward was adamant about something.
Jasper countered, "She will if I ask her to. Trust me. In fact, I am so sure, I'll
bet you a hundred bucks that she will."
Edward replied, "You're on…we'll ask Bella when she gets here…she'll
know."
I tossed the bags onto the floor as I popped my head up into the house.
"Hey." Edward's face brightened into a huge smile. I mirrored his
expression, climbing into the house and settling onto the blanket that was
neatly spread out on the floor. In lieu of a kiss, Edward leaned over to finger
the fur trimmed hood of my casual jacket.
"Hi. You look cute," he remarked as his eyes fixated on my mouth. His mere
presence made me feel warm and squishy inside.
"What are we arguing about?" I asked, stealing one of Edward's cigarettes
from the pack lying on the blanket. He leaned over to light it for me without
being asked.
"Jasper thinks Alice will be okay with Jasper going to Tyler's as Hugh
Hefner. He wants her to be a bunny." Edward shook his head in annoyance.
"What's wrong with that? I think it's actually cute," I replied. Alice would
look amazing in one of those sexy little outfits.
Jasper cocked an eyebrow as if to say, see told you so, douche.
"No," Edward clarified. "A fucking…like big furry pink rabbit suit, not an
actual Playboy Bunny."
Wrinkling my nose in distaste, I said, "No, no, why? Why would you do that
to her? Her body is too cute to hide in a giant bunny suit."
Jasper huffed and rolled his eyes. "Yeah I know that, but I want to be
comfortable, and wearing pajamas is about the most comfortable thing I can
think of, but I don't want my girl parading around half naked wearing a puffy
bunny tail on her ass so that douche Alec can go grabbing on her. Besides,
she's gonna fucking freeze." He practically spat out the word Alec. I pressed
my lips together and met Edward's eyes in quiet recognition that Jasper was
jealous of him.
"Oh, so she's your girl now, huh?" I teased. Jasper held up his hands in a
gesture that said, yeah, I guess. I smiled in response. "Well, I think you
should ask her what she wants, and not make decisions or assumptions for
her. There's not a chance in hell she's gonna be a big fuzzy bunny though, I
can tell you right now."
Edward cackled triumphantly and held out his hand expectantly, while
Jasper dug in his pockets for the cash. As soon as he placed the bill into
Edward's palm, Edward transferred it to my jacket pocket, explaining that it
was for the costume purchase. I tried to reject it, but he wouldn't allow it.
"So how was work?" he asked, promptly lighting up the joint. He took a
deep drag, squinting his eyes from the smoke that was billowing up from the
end.
"Good…noisy and hot and definitely stinky, some little kid tried to out me."
I shook my head remembering Henry's keen observations. "Don't ask…but I
made three hundred dollars, so… not bad for an honest days work, right?"
I pushed the shopping bag with the costume toward Edward. He peered
inside, rifling around a bit, with a very blasé expression on his face.
"You don't like it? There's no hat, no tights, it's definitely comfortable and it
won't make you look gay." Jasper snatched the bag, looking inside and
laughing.
He shrugged indifferently giving me a smirk. "It's fine. I can't wait to see
you in your little get -up though."
He pushed the bag aside, lighting the joint. Instead of handing it to me,
Edward turned it in his fingers, holding the end out for me to take in my
mouth. It was very romantic in a fucked up way. I took the drag, staring into
his luscious yet rapidly becoming bloodshot green eyes. He smirked, Jasper
groaned. After Jasper took a huge hit, he excused himself saying he needed
to take a piss and left us to eyefuck each other in private.
Edward called out, "Walk at least fifty feet north bro…I don't feel like
smelling your piss for the next hour."
He took another hit, holding the smoke inside his lungs with a smirk on his
mouth. I was already feeling very high and exhilarated from the parking lot
non sex as well as the Elmo workout. When he gave me another drag, I
pressed my palms onto the floor, crawling on my hands and knees toward
him. He gaped at me in disbelief with wide blinking eyes, but he did not
withdraw, almost as if he was meeting my challenge.
You gonna kiss me?
I smirked and opened my mouth slightly, letting a small amount of the
smoke escape. He immediately understood what I was attempting, opening
his mouth enough to accommodate me. In a rush of air, with my lips parted
millimeters from his, I exhaled the smoke while he inhaled. As gross as it
sounds, it was so fucking sexy and… tempting. His mouth was just…guh,
and his smells overwhelmed me; freshly washed clothes and skin bathed in
pot smoke and a hint of Edward's cologne that reminded me of the way it
smelled just after it had rained.
I opened my eyes to see him smirk and exhale out of the side of his mouth,
before I crawled back into my spot. His eyes almost sparkled.
"Fuck...that was the hottest thing I have ever seen but…you shouldn't do that
again, B."
"Too tempting?" I asked, with a scowl. He nodded his head a few times and
exhaled a shaky breath.
"Maybe when we get better at this, you can do that again, but…fuck, I want
to kiss you so badly right now." Edward's voice was pained. His hands
clenched at his thighs.
"So do I," I said quietly pulling my knees up to my chest. In an attempt to
change the subject, I added as I peered up at the walls of the house, "Hey,
you know my dad mentioned this house was supposed to be painted bright
pink?"
"That's great to know, Bella," Edward said sarcastically. "Listen…today,
before when we were on the phone you know…that was…" I laughed at his
awkward attempt to thank me for phone sex.
"We can do that again," I said, batting my lashes flirtatiously. Edward bit his
lip and nodded vehemently. God, I loved him. Maybe my fears about
rejection were just stupid, because he seemed awfully easy to please.
Jasper returned shortly after, climbing back into the tree house and extending
his long legs next to me. "So who were you today?"
I tossed an Elmo shaped bag at him.
"Take a guess."
Edward cringed and said, "Elmo…really?" as though it pained him to
visualize me dressed in red matted, stinkified fur.
Jasper asked, "What the fuck is Elmo anyway? Is he like...a bear or
something?" as he began inspecting the goodie bag. I looked inside one of
the bags, pulling out a container of bubbles, a candy necklace, a chocolate
lollipop, and some character stickers.
"Um…I don't know. I think he's just like a monster," I answered, deep in
thought about it. Edward took the chocolate immediately, biting into it and
then offering me some, which I accepted. I knew he was into extreme
cleanliness and had like, some sort of bizarre personal vendetta against
germs and bacteria, so I was somewhat honored that he gave no hesitation
about sharing any of his food with me.
"A monster?" Jasper asked, looking up at me with his lids all hooded and
tired looking from the weed. "That makes no fucking sense. There's like a
big ass bird, then those two guys that are always in bed together…"
I opened the candy necklace wrapper, slipping the little sugary beads over
my head. "Ernie and Bert? Yeah they are supposedly the token gays on the
show," I remarked shrugging my shoulders. Edward pumped his fist in the
air in support of the gays.
"Yeah them, and then there's like the dirty green dude in the fucking…
garbage can….Oscar, right? And that Goober guy…"
"Grover."
"Yeah, whatever, and um… fucking Kermit the frog…"
"No, Kermit isn't from Sesame Street…he's a fucking Muppet. Whole
different show, dude," Edward interjected.
"Oh…whatever," Jasper said annoyed as he leaned on his elbow in deep
thought. "Then there's big blue guy who's always shoving his fucking face
with cookies and the magician guy and …"
Edward and I looked at each other perplexed. "What magician guy?" he
asked Jasper.
"The guy that's always counting shit…"
"You mean…The Count?" I said incredulously with a laugh. "Jasper, he's not
a magician, he's a vampire."
"Vampire? No he's not…he's a magician."
"No, he's a vampire…he has a cape and fangs and there's always bats flying
around him. He's a vampire from Transylvania…trust me, I was an avid
Sesame Street fan. I know this as fact," I said.
We were quiet for a while, as Jasper continued to obsess and contemplate
this newfound information.
He suddenly blurted out, "What the fuck kind of neighborhood is that for
kids, with giant birds, fucking…monsters running amuck …and vampires?
No wonder these little kids today are all fucked up." Jasper's expression was
so serious, Edward and I couldn't help but laugh at him…hard.
The weed had kicked in to its full effect, and I was beginning to feel antsy,
and cooped up. "Hey, can we go outside? It's nice out and I want to blow
some bubbles."
Edward tucked the blanket under his arm, jumping down out of the house.
Even in his stoned state, Edward remembered to help me down, by nudging
Jasper in the arm to give me his hand. I hated that and I could see on his face
so did Edward, but it was something that needed adjusting to.
"I'm fine, thanks," I replied, politely dismissing Jasper's awaiting hand. We
walked down by the narrow river in the Cullen's yard, over the little wooden
bridge to the other side, where there was a large expanse of lush grassy yard.
I tripped over a knot of tree roots, catching myself before I fell face first into
a swell of wet leaves. Edward sighed shaking his head. I wasn't quite sure if
he was irritated with my ineptness or if he was frustrated with his inability to
help me.
Edward spread the blanket out seamlessly under a tree; the three of us laid
on our backs facing the sky. It was robin's egg blue, smattered with thick
puffy clouds that moved ever so slightly creating twisting shapes and forms.
"Look…it's a dragon wearing high heels," I said. The boys mumbled in
agreement, as we marveled at the beautiful dragon in his lovely pumps.
The wind shifted slightly. "Aw, now he looks like he has fire shooting out of
his butt."
"Hey… there's an old man's face," Jasper said, pointing. We all turned our
heads sideways to make out what Jasper was seeing, but Edward and I
couldn't seem to see what Jasper did. "Wait…it's a dolphin now."
"That one looks like a metronome," Edward said brightly as he pointed to a
triangular shaped cloud.
"Huh?" Jasper and I said harmoniously, having no idea what a metronome
was.
Edward rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers trying to find the words to
explain. "You know…the fucking…pyramid shaped counter thing on my
piano."
"Oh…like we are supposed to know what shit is called," Jasper snapped.
"You could have said, pyramid, or triangle, but metrodome? Why do always
have to show off, smart-ass? Why can't you just be fucking normal?"
"It's metronome," Edward corrected haughtily. "And… fuck you."
Edward sat up and punched Jasper in the arm hard, which then escalated into
a playful wrestling match between the two of them. Edward asked if I
wanted to join in on torturing Jasper, because clearly he had the upper hand,
but I declined, sprawling out on the blanket instaed. Eventually they got
bored of physically tormenting each other.
I pulled out the bubble wand from its plastic jar, dipping it into the solution.
I blew softly and hundreds of tiny bubbles floated all around us bobbing and
swirling in the breeze. Edward and Jasper squinted their eyes as they caught
the bubbles in their hands until the solution eventually ran out and I laid
back down again.
We were all quiet for a while, enjoying the weather and the sky. At one
point, Edward's hand brushed against mine ever so gently. Instinctively I
pulled away, but he stilled the movement with his hand. He stroked my
pinkie with his, his touch feather light and incredibly sensual. I closed my
eyes to shut down one of my heightened senses so that I could appreciate the
touching more. It was little tiny things like that which made my whole world
come to a standstill.
Jasper's phone rang, startling us all. He answered it, disrupting our hand
touching and I was disappointed, but I understood that it eventually did have
to come to an end. Remembering I had on the necklace, I stretched out the
elastic to bite into one of the candies. Edward watched my mouth, licking
his own lips. Watching his tongue do stuff made the swirlies happen deep
inside my belly, and I pulled my knees up so that my feet were flat on the
ground.
I held the stretched out necklace to Edward. "Want some?" He looked at me
with so much contempt, yet his hooded eyes practically sparkled with
mischief and want. While we ignored Jasper's disruptive conversation,
Edward and I entered into our own world again, where the two of us existed
and nothing else mattered. He leaned forward hesitantly, opening his mouth
slightly as his teeth closed down noisily on the candy. My breath hitched,
because he was so close to me now, so close he could lick me or kiss me and
it was horrifically tempting. It seemed as though I had a gift for putting us in
ridiculously enticing yet compromising situations. And as badly as I felt
about that, part of me… the evil, sex starved part that lived deep in my poor,
barren cootch couldn't find it in me to care.
"Mom just called. She needs help bringing the groceries," Jasper announced.
"Fuck…come on," Edward whined, sitting up. He huffed, pulling out his
little Visine bottle and passed it around so that we were visually presentable
to his parents. I still felt awkward about coming face to face with Esme after
she may or may not have heard me about to orgasm in the same bed where
her in-laws slept when they came to visit. Edward assured me that it was no
big deal and to not let it upset me. If she did have issues with our scandalous
behavior, then she was indeed over it, because she welcomed me inside with
open arms.
Emmett and Rosalie came in together hand in hand looking as if they were
happy and joyous in love. She let go of Emmett's hand when she spotted me,
shooting an apologetic glance my way. I rolled my eyes to tell her to stop
feeling pity for me.
As the boys helped haul in the bags, Rose and I assisted Esme in unloading
them onto the countertops. I had completely forgotten about my shirt when
Edward took my coat to go hang it in the front closet. The shirt was hanging
down off one shoulder and he reached out to gently slide the fabric back up
when he saw what it said.
Edward raised an eyebrow, squinting one eye and said flatly, "That's fucked
up, B. Can't touch this? I'm supposed to find that to be funny, right?"
"What…it isn't just a little funny?" I asked, smiling shyly. "It's vintage…
from the nineties. Some rapper dude had a big hit and there's even an official
dance to go to the song." Edward was not the least bit amused. "Oh, lighten
up, will ya?"
Emmett and Rosalie took one look and stifled laughs, while Esme bit her
bottom lip to keep from snickering as well. She shimmied her shoulders
while doing the same dance my father did in the basement and began to sing
the sing while we all gaped at her. I held my hand out.
See? A song and dance.
"Oh, screw all of you!" Edward yelled in mock anger. "You guys all suck…
especially you." He pointed to me as he unsuccessfully forced back a smirk.
"Oh, you love the shirt and you know it." Edward mumbled something
completely incoherent as Rosalie pulled a wrapped box from her bag and
asked to speak with Edward alone.
In the living room, I could see Rosalie pull out a long rectangular box which
I knew contained an entire carton of cigarettes in it. Edward opened it
skeptically, laughing when he unearthed the wrap. They talked for a few
minutes more, Edward's face remaining somewhat stoic and serous, while
Rose's was garnished with a rare moment of apology. They reentered the
kitchen, smiling as if they had been old friends reunited.
We ate an informal meal of Esme's homemade chicken salad wraps and
potato salad that was actually really good, though I was afraid to ask what
was really in it. Once Alice arrived with Jasper, Edward and Emmett
disappeared into the garage to retrieve the pumpkins so that we could get
carving. Emmett reemerged carrying four of the enormous pumpkins in his
big, muscular arms while Edward carried just two. I noticed Edward had
grasped the immaculately clean ones, while the ones Emmett carried inside
left dark dirt smudges on his tight shirt. Emmett dumped all four pumpkins
on the huge kitchen table, flexing his biceps animatedly while the pumpkins
rolled around aimlessly.
In a horribly stereotypical Brooklyn accent, Emmett said, "Does anyone
have a piece of tape? Cause I… am… ripped." He paused a moment, flexing
again with his fists clenched, to show off his broad chest. "Any of you guys
know a good veterinarian? Cause my pythons… are sick." And then he
proceeded to kiss each bicep.
Rose and I rolled our eyes, Jasper and Alice laughed and I am pretty certain
Edward threw up in his mouth a little.
I hadn't carved a pumpkin in years, so I was pretty excited to get started.
Esme had bought us a bunch of stencil kits with little tiny saws and a bag of
battery operated tea lights to go inside the jack-o-lanterns when we were
through. We all chose unique designs and started cutting.
We chatted happily like a bunch of excited little kids while we sawed and de
seeded. Edward adamantly refused to stick his hand inside his pumpkin,
claiming his head would implode if he did, so I rolled up my sleeves and
cleaned his out while he looked on appreciatively. I shot him an evil glare
when he assumed I would like it if he dictated how the de-gutting should be
done. I really wanted to throw the guts at him, but I refrained.
In the midst of it all, arms deep in slimy pumpkin guts and chunks of
pumpkin stuck to my clothing, I looked around at the people surrounding
me. I took a minute to smile at Rose and Emmett's unabashed lust for one
another while they argued softly, Alice and Jasper's sweet and innocent
glances and Edward's beautiful and serious face while he examined his
work.
Edward looked up at me and smiled. I returned his smile, feeling such
overwhelming love in my heart. I knew at that moment that no matter what
happened, no matter what the future had in store for us, I knew that these
people would be by my side through it all. My friends…my family. And I
really was so grateful for all of them…even Jasper.
"What's the matter, B?" Edward asked softy, cocking his head to the side.
Rose and Alice looked up, making eye contact with me as they paused their
cutting.
"Nothing…I just…I … I love all you guys." I shrugged, embarrassed by my
admission as they all chorused, "Awwwww." Rose and Alice gave me tight
girl hugs while Jasper chuckled and muttered, "Stoner," under his breath.
Edward just gaped at me oddly before looking away.
But as he started working on his pumpkin again, I saw the faintest glimpse
of a smile play at the corners of his mouth. He turned the pumpkin slightly
so that I was able to get a glimpse at the design he was working so diligently
on. He had etched out a very fancy detailed heart, with the letters, E & B
embedded inside. He tapped his lips gently with his fingers, and while I was
fully aware that I was still a little high and I could have very well been
hallucinating… I swear I saw him mouth, "I love you too."
~%~

Recs:
University of Edward Masen by Sebastien Robichaud- This one messes
with your head and you sort of have no idea what's going on. Oh, and
Edward is completely damaged and nuts. Couldn't stop reading it.
Dark Side of the Moon by blondie Aka Robin- New Moon from EPOV-
This one has been around for a while, but with the movie coming out, it is
well worth the read. Her writing is excellent and she gives so much insight
to Edward when he leaves Bella, that you start to not want to beat the piss
out of him for leaving her all stranded in the woods for her own good.
Ragweeds by AngelAtTwilight- Bella & Edward are two broken kids in
foster care who meet under tragic circumstances. When the world wants
them apart, fate seals them together. Super angsty and painful to read.
There's only one chapter up so far, but this is heartbreaking and really well
written. I'm loving it.
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Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
A huge thanks to Becca for proofing even when your life is a complete
mess and to Suzy for dropping everything in your crazy life to do the
rest. Xoxoxo.
Thanks again to all of you reading and reviewing and playing on the
thread. Your words make my shitty days so much unshittier.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 19~ I Am Loved
My hands shake clasped with fear, as you come near.
To say goodnight, just like a dove, a peaceful sign.
To help us by, as you come in, let this begin.
Stars fall like dust, our lips will touch, we speak too much.
Did you know, that I love you?
Come and lay with me, I love you.
And on this day, I will love you.
You make me feel alive, and I'll love you,
until the end of time.
Angels and Airways ~Breathe
~Edward~
A half a can of spray starch and forty minutes ironing the shit out of the
stupid thing and it still looked utterly and completely ridiculous. On anyone
else, it could have passed as clever or comical even, but on me…it just
looked fucking wrong.
I turned to the right, then to the left, then around in a full turn, catching a
glimpse of my ass, which was completely non-distinct in this dumb non- ass
outfit. I sighed aloud, trying to remember if I had been drunk or high when I
agreed to wear this get up. Oh…wait, yes, she swindled me into it by
flaunting her fuckawesome cleavage and I got all distracted and entranced
by her knockers.
But seriously, what the hell was she thinking when she fucking picked this?
Maybe she was hoping no one of the female persuasion would check me
once this was on. Shit, no one of any persuasion would be looking at me
tonight.
It wasn't so much as I looked like a fucking Ghostbuster, but the fact that the
jumpsuit thing was an eerie replica of the attire worn by inmates was what
bothered me the most. All it needed was stripes and a number across my
chest...though then, I'd be willing to bet my entire fucking bank account that
Bubba the butt-pirate in Cell Block number 10 would notice me. I shuddered
to think about the harsh reality of that… so not cool.
I took one last look in the mirror and scowled. At least my hair had turned
out nothing short of fucking awesome tonight. Not that anyone would even
be bothering to glimpse at me with Bella aside me in her little outfit, but
still, I always like to look my very best…even while wearing faux
exterminator garb.
Rolling my eyes, I tossed the strap of the shiny silver plastic "pesticide"
container over my shoulder and held the stiff wand attached by a tube out
toward the mirror.
"Take that you fucking bad ass roaches," I said to my reflection. "You never
even had a chance against the Cullenator."
You are such a fucking dork.
My thoughts immediately went to what I could do to Bella with the wand.
I mean, if the hairbrush almost worked...
After I stuffed a pack of cigarettes courtesy of Rosalie Hale and her big
judgmental mouth into my pocket, I slipped in two freshly rolled joints and
my lighter beside them. I opened the cap on a bottle of Grey Goose and
dumped the contents into a metal thermos, which then was stuck inside the
cleverly disguised pesticide container. That gave a whole new meaning to
the saying, "choose your poison."
"Yo, E. Bella's here," Emmett yelled, banging on my bedroom door. I
opened it, took one look at him all shiny and bare chested and busted out
laughing in his face.
He narrowed his eyes. "Uh…who ya gonna call, Buddy?" he snickered
pointedly as he made reference to my being a Ghostbuster, even though the
writing on the front of my snazzy suit clearly read, "Got Bugs?"
"Tink has got you by the fucking balls getting you to wear this shit, you
whipped son of a bitch." He stood back a few feet gaping at me while
shaking his head in disbelief.
"Oh, and you look so goddamn masculine in your shiny shorts and matching
robe that Rosalie had no influence in choosing. Fuck off," I snapped,
playfully punching him in the chest. I shot him an evil glare then stared at
my knuckles covered in body oil.
Actually, he looked really good, if I were to admit that aloud. I mean, he had
the physique for it, and he definitely wasn't shy or modest about showing off
his body to the whole fucking world. He stood proudly, with his gloved
hands on his hips, puffing out his chest exaggeratedly. His fucking shiny
blue satin robe hung open revealing his oiled up chest and the glittering gold
championship belt around his waist. The fake black eye was the icing on the
cake. Yeah, maybe I'd feel a little threatened if I got into a ring with him.
"Mom's got the video camera and her digital out, just warning ya," he said,
throwing his arm around my shoulder as we descended the stairs together.
"What the fuck do you have in here?" He rattled the pesticide container,
letting the liquor slosh around loudly.
"Vodka," I replied with a smirk, just as my mother appeared at the bottom of
the staircase snapping the flash off like she was the goddamn paparazzi at a
red carpet event for Raid. After she successfully blinded us for half a minute
straight, I blinked the white spots away in order to work Bella into focus.
She was standing in the kitchen archway with Rosalie, both of them donning
huge smiles on their faces.
Bella's hair was down around her shoulders in loose spirally curls and she
had these sparkly black balls on bouncy wires attached to her headband that
were supposed to resemble antennae. I could see her dotted skirt poking out
of her coat but what I noticed before anything else was that she was wearing
the boots…the red come fuck me boots.
Fuck me. It was going to be a long night.
"Don't you dare laugh at me, Ladybug," I said, with mock warning in my
tone while pointing my pesticide wand at her. "I'll spray the shit out of you
until you're on your back flailing your legs around, and then I'll spray you
some more after you've died just to be sadistic." I winked at Rosalie who just
smirked at me in her overtly sexy ring girl outfit.
"Your hair looks outstanding tonight, Edward," Rosalie said, with a rare, but
genuine inflection to her tone. I just smiled and winked, knowing she was
correct.
"Wow, you look great, E," Bella said, still wearing a smirk as her eyes bore
into me.
Even attractive whilst killing bugs… nice.
I rolled my eyes in disagreement. "So lemme see you." I slid the black wool
belt of her coat in between my fingers, eager to see what was waiting
underneath. Her eyes darted to my mother, and then she bit her lip nervously.
I believe I had specifically requested nothing too sexy as far as the costume
choices were concerned, but I couldn't help but concede when I saw the way
her tits looked in this the day she sent me the pic of her. Fucking perfection.
"That bad, huh? Am I going to get pissed, or…" She rolled her eyes, opening
the belt and sliding her coat off. My dick stiffened immediately, and I was
silently thanking God I was wearing jeans under the stupid thin coveralls so
as not to reveal my obvious arousal. After I wiped the drool off my gaping
mouth, I took a few seconds to absorb all that was Bella in a sexy ladybug
costume; while my mother squealed at how adorable she looked. Only,
adorable was not the word I would have chosen, personally.
I would have gone more in the realm of smoking fucking hot- cream in my
pants at the sight of her- gorgeous. She was wearing on this skin tight, black
strapless corset thing with red ribbons that crisscrossed up the front and tied
in a bow at her tits. The little red and black polka dotted skirt flared out
around her, and I noticed immediately how short it was, making a mental
note to check what kind of panties she had on underneath. But her tits…her
tits were all high up and pushed together and they looked so fucking
delicious and lickable and just…I don't know, juicy maybe?
I scowled using my stupid fucking pesticide wand to draw an imaginary
circle over her antennae while she twirled around in a little mini fashion
show. She curtsied and smiled as her sparkly antennae balls bounced on top
of her head. My mother began snapping pictures like a lunatic, at the same
time my father entered the room and muttered, "Jesus, I never thought I'd see
that day where you would be dressed as a blue collar worker. This is a
Kodak moment for sure." I rolled my eyes at him, even though he was
totally fucking precise about that fact. He caught one look at Bella and then
glanced at Rose. I swear to God his eyes almost popped out of his head as he
mumbled something under his breath and quickly left the room.
I turned back to Bella, licking my lips and shaking my head at her. Her skin
was actually glowing, likely from the facial she had earlier that day at the
spa with the girls. I noticed her nails were freshly painted a bright red shade
and her eyebrows had a higher arch than normal. Yes, I fucking noticed that
shit. She looked up at me with her eyes framed in long fake eyelashes as she
pursed her shiny, blood red lips. God, she was beautiful.
"You look…" I fumbled for the words unsuccessfully. Leaning into her ear, I
whispered, "My dick is so hard it's gonna bust through my fucking zipper. I
don't know if I can handle you in this." I fingered the ribbon that was tied at
her top. She gaped at me, trying to read if my tone was mad or serious or
what. I wasn't angry at her at all, just simply giving her a warning that I
might be a bit irritable walking around with a raging boner all night and no
way to relieve it. "You look amazing and if anyone even thinks of eye
fucking you, I'm gonna fucking lose it. Then I'm going to poke their eyes out
with my stupid pesticide wand...."
Rosalie patted Bella on the back, whispering, "Good luck with that," and
moved toward Emmett clearly wanting to give us some space.
Bella just smiled. With an overly sardonic tone she said, "I can go home and
change. I think there might be an old nun costume in the basement."
"Don't you dare. Just make sure you fit into this in two years, okay?" I said,
smirking. "I want to see this on my floor in a little pile while I fuck you from
be..."
The doorbell rang, cutting me off in mid romantic sentiment. Jasper tore ass
down the stairs wearing a burgundy robe over his black silk pajamas and
slippers, while he was trying to tie a black ascot around his neck. He slid
across the tiled floor whipping open the door to find a handful of trick or
treaters gathered with their bags held forward waiting for their loot. He
grumbled as he threw treats into each of their bags, obviously disappointed
that it wasn't Alice ringing the bell.
"Ma…seriously…organic fruit snacks?" Jasper sneered as the kids all left
with dissatisfied expressions. "I hope you like scraping egg and shaving
cream off the front door, cause I sure as shit am not doing it tomorrow." My
mother glared at Jasper and I swear I saw her middle finger twitch. I made a
mental note to put my car in the garage when we got home tonight just in
case Jasper was right about the revengeful tweens.
"I told her the same thing about the fruit snacks," I said, laughing. "One day
a year you can't hand out M&M's? They're not your kids...what the hell do
you care what they eat?" It was sadly unfortunate, because despite the fact
that the long block had only three houses, all the neighborhood kids would
make the trek down this way simply because they thought the rich family in
the big ass house would give out the best candy. I suppose it was a harsh yet
necessary lesson in making assumptions as well as having overly high
expectations in life.
"Hey, at least it's not raisins," Rose laughed, sliding her arm around Emmett
and then muttering, "Ewww," when she realized that he was greasy.
Esmom pointed her finger scornfully at us. "You can all go eat shit…
Organic shit!" She huffed indignantly, turning on her heel and exiting the
room. From the doorway, my father covered his mouth trying to hide his
laughter, but we all knew it was fucking funny. She reappeared a few
minutes later to snap away when Alice arrived in full on Playboy bunny
attire, complete with ears and fluffy tail on her barely covered ass.
She squealed and exclaimed, "Oooh! Fruit snacks!" when she saw the bowl
by the front door. Jasper fucking growled at the sight of her, and I had to
admit, for the first time, I saw her as a beautiful young woman and not the
little annoying girl that lived down the block. My mother made the three
girls pose together while Jasper, Emmett and I looked on, all silently
admitting the same thing. We were lucky fucking bastards. Something told
me that my father agreed with that as well.
My mom kissed us all goodbye, stealthily shoving little bags of fruit snacks
into mine and Jasper's pockets while we were caught in her embrace.
I pulled down the block to Tyler's house, parking in a spot about a half block
away from where the strobe lights were flashing. Both sides of the street
were lined bumper to bumper with cars and I groaned knowing that it would
not be an easy night for me trying to navigate in and out of so many fucking
skimpily dressed females, aside from the half naked ones I came with.
"I thought this was invite only?" I asked Jasper, as he emerged from his car
parked behind mine. He shrugged his shoulders obviously thinking the same
thing as I did. Semi annoyed, I lit up a joint, passing it around before doing
the same with the Grey Goose stashed in my stupid fucking pesticide
container. From our spot at the cars, we could hear the thump of techno
music against eerie Halloween music. Tyler's brother was obviously
deejaying tonight. The girls were already dancing in the street.
After shedding our coats and locking the car up, Bella asked Alice to help
her clip on her wings. A stupid, irrational part of me was jealous that Alice
had her hands down the back of Bella's dress, touching her soft skin. I
wanted to be the one helping her and it fucking sucked that I couldn't even
do something as insignificant as attach fake wings to my girlfriend.
"What do you have on underneath there?" I asked, leaning to whisper in her
ear as we walked up the overly decorated lawn.
"If you're a good boy, maybe I'll show you later." She flicked her hair over
her shoulder and winked.
Fuck.
Me.
The whole fucking yard was crazy insane with Halloween shit - Spider webs
surrounding giant black widows, coffins with vampires and mummies
hanging out of them, fog hovering above the grass and even pairs of glowing
yellow eyes in the bushes. The inside was even worse.
Brimming with spooky paraphernalia and hollow laughter through heavy
bass beats, the main living area of the house was dark and smoky and so
fucking loud, crowded wall to wall with people dressed in weird ass
costumes. I was actually glad that I was coerced into the exterminator
costume, because at least I wouldn't give a shit when it was destroyed with
beer and cigarette burns as the night wore on.
Emmett took Rose's hand, leading her through the crowd as Bella and I
followed behind with Jazz and Alice in tow. It was definitely not invitation
only seeing as the entire junior and senior class was here as well as a few
vaguely familiar faces I recognized as last years seniors. No doubt, friends
of Tyler's older brother.
At some point, Bella spotted Angela and Ben with Tyler and some redheaded
chick I didn't recognize in a slutty nurses uniform. We settled ourselves in
the empty corner of the living room, while Emmett and Jasper left to get
beer for everyone. It was things like that that just made me feel so fucking
stupid….like a giant loser who couldn't get his own girlfriend a beer...or kiss
her or put on her goddamn bug wings for that matter.
For whatever reason, maybe it was because I was sufficiently soused on
vodka, beer and weed, I began to obsess about my situation a little too much.
Bella noticed I wasn't in the best frame of mind and I was sort of glad when
she and the girls went off to dance. I watched her being all happy and
carefree, her arms waving in the air as she shimmied her hips and giggled
with her girls.
It wasn't the first time I felt envious of her ability to live that way, and not
just for her lack of restrictions but the fact that it was an innate part of her.
Bella was a naturally happy-go-lucky person, and she looked at her life as a
glass half-full whereas I looked at fucking everything as a glass completely
empty with no sight of any sort of refill in the near future. If I wasn't
drowning I was begging for a drink. I just couldn't catch a fucking break.
I shook my head, chugging the rest of my piss warm beer while scowling
inwardly and not hearing a word Ben was saying to me. Em noticed that I
was a little out of it too. He put on his big brother hat, giving me a pep talk,
which definitely helped some but not entirely.
Things grew progressively worse when Mike fucking Newton Douchebag
extraordinaire dressed in a ninja costume attempted to dance with Bella yet
again. My body went rigid when he touched her bare shoulder and I felt my
jaw clench involuntarily as the pad of his thumb rubbed over the surface of
her skin. I was quite fucking sure that on his end it was a completely
innocent gesture, but from my slightly skewed point of view, he was
practically fucking her. The thing that boiled my blood was that in three
seconds, Newton had been more intimate with her than I had in a month and
a half. And I was the one in love with her.
The douche just did not get the hint, even when he knew damn well that she
was my girl.
My fists clenched at my side when Emmett asked me if I wanted another
drink, and I didn't answer him...couldn't answer him. I was too fucking
focused and seething to speak. He saw what I was glaring at…Bella trying to
shrug off Newton's grip, and Em's big fucking forearm crossed over my
chest from behind effectively holding me back from beating the piss out of
the punk touching my girl.
"Not here, Bro. You don't want to start this shit here at Tyler's house. Have a
word with Newton in private later on, but don't do this. And Bella is doing
just fine on her own...look she's on her way back now." He squeezed my
shoulder a couple of times after he let go, as I took a few calming breaths in
vain. Part of me just wanted to leave, the other part wanted to hit something
and the other part wanted to shove Bella up against the fucking wall and take
her innocence right in front of the whole damn party so that they would all
know she was mine.
I wouldn't even dare.
I was still pissy when Bella and the girls finally came back, breathless and
covered in a light sheen of sweat from dancing. I glared at Rosalie when she
grabbed Emmett by the back of the neck and wrapped her leg around his
thigh, further exacerbating my ire. Alice and Jasper disappeared through the
crowd and Ben and Angela were arguing in the corner over something,
leaving just Bella and I.
Bella looked up at me bobbing her head to the music and smiling. I gave her
a weak assed grin before I mumbled that I had to take a piss. I turned to
leave, watching her expression fall, confused and hurt as she tried
unsuccessfully to conceal it. It killed me.
"It's nothing you did, Beautiful, I just…I'm having a bad night," I explained
softly, wanting to touch her cheek to confirm my affection for her. Her big
brown eyes were so full of devotion to me that it physically hurt not to be
able to assure her of my adoration with a simple physical gesture.
She stood on her tiptoes reaching up to whisper in my ear. "I know what will
make you feel better. Wanna see my undies?" I smirked, immediately feeling
a million times better as her brilliant smile overshadowed al the feelings of
glum I wasn't currently capable of camouflaging.
"Yes, as a matter of fact I do," I said, gesturing for her to walk ahead of me.
Not only did I want to see her panties, but I didn't want to leave her alone. It
hadn't escaped my notice that half the fucking football team was ogling her
while she was dancing. Motherfuckers.
I held onto her mangled wings, trying to straighten the crooked wire form
out as we headed to the bathroom. There was a line of waiting people down
the hallway, so I craned my neck to see if I could find Tyler to ask him if
there was another bathroom we could use. My fucking bladder was about to
explode. Eventually, I spotted him, and he led us through the crowd down a
hallway to what appeared to be a den. Before he opened the door, he warned
us that his brother's friends were hanging out in the room and then he asked
us to please be discreet about what we saw. I didn't fully understand what he
meant, though a for a fraction of a second I considered that maybe there
would be some hot girls making out or something, which I wouldn't have
minded. But aside from that, I didn't really care because I just wanted to
piss.
The small den had a handful of people in it, a few girls, a few guys; all of
them older than us. They all looked up briefly muttering greetings toward
Bella and I while she moved toward the bathroom door on the other side of
the small room. I however, stood gaping at the coffee table like a fucking
idiot.
Swallowed thickly, trying to coat the dry, tightening in my throat, I wiped
my hand against the back of my mouth. Seeing the drug paraphernalia, the
little hills and lines of coke on the table signaled an immediate craving,
almost as if I was insanely thirsty and I could feel my throat pleading for
something cold and wet…immediate relief from the scorching burn.
I licked my lips, feeling Bella's eyes on me, but not physically able to break
my gaze away from the blonde who was hunched and leaning into the
surface to snort the powder up her nose. My skin prickled with goosbumps
as I could feel the anticipation of what she was feeling at the very moment,
the rush, the high, the insane amount of pure adrenaline pumping through
her blood.
Thud, thud, thud…my heartbeat was drowning out any other sound in the
room, even louder than the pulsating music just down the hall.
I fucking wanted it.
"Hey …did you want some?" One of the girls asked, I guess when she began
to feel uncomfortable with my blatant staring. Either that, or she recognized
and related to my physiological reaction to just witnessing someone using. I
exhaled through my mouth finally looking away, ashamed at how I felt, and
feeling guilty for the fact that if Bella weren't there I would have probably
said yes. Instead, I shook my head no, swallowing again, gulping down the
immense craving, the passionate desire, and the urge to feel like a fucking
king for thirty very short minutes.
"E?" Bella tugged on my sleeve. "What are you doing?" she whispered. The
whole duration of the scene was probably less than ten seconds long, but it
was as though I had been standing there for hours.
I shook my head, as if to bring myself back into reality. "Um…yeah…
bathroom." We crossed the room, standing in a small dark hallway waiting
for the bathroom door to open, as there were obvious sounds of someone
flushing the toilet inside. I leaned against the wall, in an attempt to gain my
bearings and to understand what had happened.
It had been less than a year the last time I had done coke. Only once since
then did I have the urge and that was when I was having a bad fucking day
dealing with my shit and Bella and everything else. I realized that it was the
first time I had been exposed to the stuff, and witnessed someone else using
it.
It scared the fuck out of me, because if my body reacted to just the sight of
it, I knew if I touched the shit again, I would probably want it all the time.
My hand scrubbed over my face in realization of that fact. I was too buzzed
at the moment to be thinking rationally or clearly, and I just wanted to take a
piss and get another drink.
"Edward…are you okay?" Bella asked, again on her tiptoes, trying to my
attention by getting in my face.
"Yeah, I'm fine, B…I'm fine." I couldn't help but notice once again how her
tits were looking so sumptuous tonight.
"Did you want to…" she asked quietly, gesturing to the drug littered coffee
table. She leaned back against the wall, pushing her chest out further
emphasizing her gorgeous endowment.
I exhaled through my mouth and shrugged, realizing that it was useless to lie
to her. But I wasn't in the frame of mind to discuss the long term
ramifications of my using cocaine, or the reasons why I should or should not
indulge in a dabble of it now, or any other time… I just wanted to touch
Bella. The urge was so fucking strong, stronger than the urge to do the coke
was…
I needed a distraction… quickly. "If I remember correctly, you told me I
could see your underwear."
She bit her lip and batted her crazy long lashes. "Have you been a good boy
tonight?" she asked playfully, completely dismissing the whole coke
situation.
"Yes, as a matter of fact I have," I smirked. She giggled and turned, lifting
the ruffles up on her dress, essentially mooning me. Her underwear were
those little boy short things; black with little red ladybugs all over them. Her
ass cheeks were peeking out the bottom, and they were fucking perfect ass
cheeks, round and…just bitable.
"Those undies are mine before we go home tonight, Ladybug," I hissed. The
hand that was in my front pocket had been fiddling with the wand from my
stupid pesticide thing. I pulled out the long black stick, moving closer to her.
I could hear her breathing increase slightly as I closed in the gap between us,
feeling the heat roll off her body. Her mouth hung open, and then her lips
pressed together as she watched the wand trail up from her navel to the top
of her dress, across her collarbone and down her arm. She shivered, pressing
her body back into the wall with a sigh.
I traced the edge of her top, just along the fabric over the mound of her
breasts resting where her cleavage met. Beautiful.
"What would happen if I pulled on this?" I asked, fingering one of the ends
of the ribbon that crossed up her dress.
She gasped lightly before a wry smile spread over her face. "The front of the
dress loosens up. My boobs will fall out."
My dick hardened at the very thought of that.
"Are you wearing a bra underneath this?" She shook her head no at the same
time I pulled on it, opening the front of her dress slightly. Her hands flew to
her chest holding the fabric back just as the bathroom door opened finally,
and a guy in poncho with a sombrero on his head slipped out. He was wasted
and gripped his hands against the doorframe to balance himself while giving
Bella a nod and a big flirtatious grin while he stared unashamedly at her tits.
I quirked an eyebrow at him in warning before moving to protectively step
in front of Bella, but he quickly got the hint, holding his hands up in defense.
"Ladybug," he said, tipping his sombrero.
"Señor," Bella replied politely.
"Bug Dude," he nodded at me.
"Asshole."
Bella cringed and slipped inside the bathroom. Without even asking for her
permission, I went inside with her, locking the door behind us. I wasn't about
to leave her out there alone with ogling guys and a table full of coke, and
truthfully, I didn't know if I trusted myself to be unsupervised for that matter.
Bella was drunk. Not fall down stupid drunk, but feeling numb and happy
and very smiley. Which is why she was easily distracted away from
launching a virtual Spanish Inquisition regarding my salivating at the drugs
on the table.
"Are you gonna go?" she asked, pointing to the toilet.
"Uh…not this second…I uh…need a minute."
"I thought you said you had to go," she replied.
"I do but I sort of have a… oookaaaaay," I turned around awkwardly trying
to find an appropriate place to focus on as Bella pulled down her panties and
squatted on the toilet looking up and smiling at me.
"So, I guess we're peeing in front of each other now?" I asked rhetorically.
Her little skirt was blocking any sort of view anyhow, but I wasn't exactly a
hundred percent comfortable with gaping at her on the toilet. The front of
her top was open now, exposing her cleavage, though she didn't seem to
care.
"I have peed in front of every single one of my girlfriends and you are my
boyfriend and when you gotta go, you gotta go, right? I am not shy and you
shouldn't be either. And peeing feels so good doesn't it? I love to pee.
Ahhhhhhhh…" She finished up, still grinning stupidly at me.
And there goes my erection.
I chuckled. "You're drunk."
"Yes, I am. So what? Why can't you pee, Edward?"
"I can't go when I'm um…hard."
Her eyes grew huge. "You're hard? Lemme see it! Come on lemme see!" she
squealed, clapping as she popped herself on the vanity counter, ready to
view the show.
"Well, I'm not hard anymore," I said, laughing at her enthusiasm and her
peculiar fascination with my dick's inherent states of erectness. Her face fell
in pure disappointment while she tucked her hands under her thighs,
swinging her legs out. I loved that she was so fucking sexy and confident
while at the same time so childlike and naive.
She leaned over, fingering the zipper on the coveralls before she pulled it
down to the end. I unzipped my jeans by myself, snickering while Bella's
gaze stayed fixated on my crotch. She watched intently as the metal prongs
slowly released from each other with eyes wide and her mouth forming a
little O.
"I really need to pee, Bella," I explained. "He's a little shy." She blinked and
then nodded, turning around toward the mirror as she fumbled in her purse
to reapply lip gloss. The uh…flow took about a minute to get started as I
wasn't used to having a female audience while I peed. In the large vanity
mirror, I could see her eyes dart to my crotch and then back to her lips, and
back to my crotch again.
"Whoa…it's really little now," she remarked in awe pressing her red lips
together.
"Well thank you, Sweetheart…and your tits look like they are a little saggy
tonight," I replied sarcastically, rolling my eyes at her.
Her face scrunched up as she looked down at her perfectly perky, non saggy
chest. Bella clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth in annoyance
and stuck her tongue out at me. "No, I mean…is it always that small when
you're not hard? Cause when you're hard…it's like…huge! But now it's so
small and cute."
"Cute? Fucking cute? It's not cute," I snapped. Puppies and kittens are
cute...deadly pythons were not fucking cute....
"Move your hand…lemme see," she commanded. I huffed, conceding to her
request, as my limp dick dangled softly in her view. "Awww see, it is cute."
She cocked her head to the side as I rolled my eyes again, not believing that
I was allowing her to see it in this embarrassingly flaccid state. I realized
that she was not making fun of me, but she found genuinely interest in the
assorted functions of my penis.
"Actually, it's kind of ugly when it's all squishy like that. Make it big…I
wanna see it big!"
"I can't just make it big! Jesus Bella, how much did you drink?" I asked,
shaking my head. She shrugged her shoulders laughing.
"Come on…Ooh, I know how I can make it big." Bella leaned back into the
vanity mirror, her wings bowing against the surface. Her eyes narrowed,
lowering her lids as she pursed her lips seductively. Her hands ran across her
chest; cheery red painted nails dotted against creamy pale skin, swirling…
touching… mesmerizing my gaze. Her thumbs hooked into the top of the
corset or bustier or whatever the fuck you call it, and pulled it down, not
only exposing her entire chest to me, but effectively restoring my hard on.
Her smile grew huge across her face as she watched my expression, and she
knew…the innocent little virgin knew how to work me like a pro.
Instant boner...just add tits!
"Fuck…are you kidding me right now?" I asked, stroking myself
involuntarily. I was fully erect, hard as a rock, and throbbing in two seconds,
watching the fucking bizarre erotica play out before me. Bella's hands were
all over her tits, cupping them in her hands and massaging, as she watched
my face and then her eyes darted to my hand over my dick. Her nipples…
they were…fucking so hard and pert. I could see that her whole stature went
from playful and teasing to infinitely turned on.
She whimpered softly, breathing heavy, as my eyes burned into hers. I
wanted to grab her hair in my hands and fucking kiss the shit of her then
move my way down to her tits and suck until she was leaving indentations in
the granite countertop with her fingernails. But I knew if I started it, I
wouldn't be able to stop and this wasn't how I wanted Bella...not in a
bathroom, not on a fucking sink with people doing lines of coke just outside
the door. But I could watch her finger herself…that would be okay, right?
I turned, opening the door a crack as I peered outside to see if anyone was
waiting. I could still hear voices in the room, but no one was waiting to use
the bathroom. I clicked the door shut, locking it again before I made my way
back over to Bella and her beautiful fucking tits.
My heart was beating so rapidly in anticipation I could barely catch my
breath…and the sight of her, still leaning slumped against the mirror, one red
boot up on the countertop, and the other lag dangling down. "You are so
fucking beautiful," I whispered.
"Edward…" she breathed, clawing her fingers up her thigh while the other
hand caressed her breast. Her lids fluttered shut and I knew she wanted it
desperately…she needed to feel me, whether it was my fingers or my mouth
or my cock…and have her orgasm.
But none of that was going to happen, so I stood against the counter,
between her legs and said softly, "You need to touch yourself, baby. Go
ahead…make yourself feel good for me." And her hand tentatively drew up
her thigh as her gaze burned into mine unrelenting. Her breath hitched as I
gripped my cock in my hand, visibly stroking it, at the same time her fingers
dipped into the waistband of her panties. Bella gasped at the contact, gritting
her teeth while her fingers moved inside the black stretch fabric to touch her
clit.
Un fucking acceptable.
"Take them off," I whispered, stroking myself harder just hearing the words
fall off my lips. Without hesitation, her hands slipped under her ass, her hips
rose and the panties were sliding down her legs. I pulled them off her once
they passed her knees, holding the damp little things tightly in my hand
before dropping them on the counter. Her hand slipped right back to its
position between her legs, but the stupid netting on the skirt was blocking
my view and though I knew what she was doing, and I could hear her little
moans and her breathing all ragged...I wanted to see Bella touch herself.
And then the fucking sexual light bulb went off in my head.
"Beautiful…turn around," I said softly. She looked at me quizzically, turning
toward the mirror suddenly realizing why I wanted her to do that. The mirror
was huge, fitted into the countertop and expanding all the way up to the
ceiling. She turned fully around, making eye contact with me through the
reflection and biting her lip, because I was guessing she was a bit inhibited
about exposing herself fully to me. In that moment she looked so fucking hot
and naughty, with just a tiny bit of timid innocence.
Bella slowly uncrossed her legs, scooting her ass back to the edge of the
counter to make room for her legs. My heart was beating so fucking
erratically and I noticed I had begun to sweat.
"You don't have to Baby, I just wanted to see you better…" I whispered, still
stroking myself brazenly.
And then like an angel spreading its feathered wings, Bella opened her legs,
drawing her knees up. She was there…in the mirror, all of her, her pussy,
open and glistening wet, fucking perfect as any pussy could ever be in the
history of pussies.
I was fucking stunned, because though I had been sexually active, I had
never seen a pussy this way before other than in porn. The sight of her
exposed so fully sent shooting heat through my whole body…like I was
given an injection of ecstasy in my dick.
She wasn't shy now, as I moved closer to her, her wings brushing along my
shoulder. Stepping slightly to the left of her, I could see myself perfectly in
the mirror, as could she.
Bella licked her lips as our eyes met in the reflection once again, burning
and intense, brown searing into green. She slipped her hand back into her
center, her palm grazing over the soft mound of trimmed curls and settling
right on her clit.
"Holy fuck, Bella," I hissed, watching her through the mirror as her middle
finger slipped furiously over her swollen clit, rubbing and circling the little
rosebud. I jerked myself faster, using all the leaking precum coming out of
the slit as lubricant because though I needed some moisture on it, I wasn't
about to go looking through Tyler's medicine cabinet for his mom's lotion.
Bella's face contorted as she continued to rub, her breathing had evolved into
panting, and little moaning sounds came from her mouth every so often.
"God, that's beautiful…put your fingers inside," I whispered. I took a small
step forward pressing my chest into her back. I wasn't even touching her,
only her mesh wings were flush against me. Then to my surprise, she leaned
her head back onto my chest as her finger slid down her slit and then found
its way inside. Her eyes were completely shut now, just her face on my chest
and her warm breath and her fucking delicious smell enveloping everything
around me. I could have leaned down and kissed her, and I probably should
have, but I was fucking scared to.
"Holy fuck...that is the hottest thing I have ever fucking seen, Bella," I
spewed in an exhale of one long breath. Bella's jaw clenched tightly, as she
pumped one, then two fingers inside of her. I watched her fingers grip the
end of the countertop, her knuckles white with the tension.
"Let me taste you...please," I begged. I lowered my head meeting her fingers
as she slipped them inside my mouth, letting me feast on her sweet juices. I
swirled my tongue around her two fingers, sucking and licking until the heat
in my balls intensified as the tightening finally increased to the point where I
knew I was done for. It wasn't exactly apple pie, but she was absolutely
delicious regardless. I could drizzle her pussy juice on my fucking salad
every night. I let go of her fingers so she could put them back where they
belonged.
Bella's fingers disappeared inside of her again and after about thirty seconds
her breathing changed again to a much shallower cadence. I had no idea if
she was close or not, since I had never seen her come, but she looked like
she was about to claw her way into the countertop.
"Bella fuck, I want you so bad…I want to taste you with my tongue…I want
to be inside of you and I want to feel you all around my cock…baby…" All
the tension that had been gradually building came crashing down, sending
ripples of sheer ecstasy through my whole body as I came into my hand
spurting all over the fucking place uncontrollably. Bella growled, bringing
her fingers back to her clit and then her head began to thrash from side to
side.
"Oh my God, oh my God…oh my fucking God!!!"
She was coming too.
"Baby don't stop…" I said, trying to encourage her do that she wouldn't lose
it now that I was done. "Your pussy is so fucking perfect and your tits… I
want to taste them and feel you nipples against my tongue and…"
Bella's heels dug into the mirror in front of us as she pushed her back into
my chest with force. I could feel her whole body shaking against my torso,
while I witnessed the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced in my
entire life unfold directly in front of me.
"Shit, shit, shit…holy shit…" she whispered still breathless with her chest
heaving, as she finally began coming down. Her hand stilled between her
legs and she made eye contact with me in the mirror.
Her chest heaved up and down while her breathing eventually slowed back
to a normal rhythm. I smiled at her somewhat hesitantly, gauging her
reaction. She threw the hand that was gripping the counter over her eyes in
embarrassment as she giggled, trying to hide herself from me. Honestly,
seeing Bella bathed in the glorious afterglow of her very first orgasm…well,
I had never seen her look more utterly fucking amazing.
She lifted her other hand away from her center and held it out wrinkling her
nose, as she was somewhat sticky. I quickly washed my jizzed up hands off
in the sink before grabbing one of the obviously unused fancy guest towels
off the nearby rack, wetting a corner, and handing it to her. She whispered
her gratitude, wiped her hands and before she could blot her wetness, I took
the towel from her grip. I placed it under the warm water, wrung it out, and
then gently wiped her down. She sighed in pleasure as I drew the warm cloth
up each of her thighs and then swiping her pussy until she was clean. When I
was done, she spun around on the counter, letting me put her panties back on
over her boots and sliding them up to her knees before she jumped down to
finish pulling them up all the way.
Her legs buckled when she hit the floor, wobbling on her heels. I caught her
by the shoulders, gripping her warm, soft skin in my fingers until I knew she
was okay to stand on her own. My thumbs rubbed circles on her skin, as her
lids shut reverently, almost as though she just took whatever she could get
from me and savored every morsel of it. And that was funny, because I was
doing the very same thing.
I smiled at her, tying up the front of her dress again, deliberately grazing my
knuckles on the swell of her breasts while I looped the ribbon into a bow. We
looked at each other with such longing…such heartbreak, as the awareness
that this was the extent to which our intimacies would be restricted to struck
us both hard.
It wasn't so bad, really.
I had never been so intimate with anyone before and the fact that I knew
Bella hadn't either made it so much better. It was also by far the best orgasm
I had ever experienced, even better than while in the actual act of sex,
because this was a result of pleasure with someone I truly loved.
And I just really needed to tell her that. Many times, I wanted to desperately,
but I thought it would seem shitty to say those words, words I had never
spoken to anyone other than members of my family, in a fucking bathroom
while drunk, after I made her come on a countertop. That wasn't a memory I
thought she would want to savor her whole life. So I waited...again.
I did say the words aloud the night we'd carved pumpkins and she declared
her love for us all. I didn't even realize I had spoken the words, until I saw
her gaping at me in my periphery. But I phased her out, knowing that she
was still a little high and would have likely thought she was imagining
things. I was so off my game with this girl, it wasn't even funny. I had
always been so controlled and calculated, always two steps ahead of
everything…but with Bella, she made me do spontaneous shit, making spur
of the moment decisions to perform things usually against my initial better
judgment.
It didn't matter. I would change every single rigid, over planned, Type A part
of myself for her if it meant that I could see her happy.
I led her out of the bathroom telling her to move quickly to the door out to
the rest of the house, as to evade the cokeheads in the den as well as avoid
their glances because I was pretty fucking sure that they knew Bella and I
were doing something sexual behind the bathroom door. As soon as we
walked past the group, the blond girl snickered and said, "Have a nice night
you two." Bella threw her hand up in a curt wave and we slipped out the
door laughing.
In the dark hallway leading to the kitchen, Hugh Heffner was molesting his
Playboy Bunny. Alice had her leg wrapped around the back of Jasper's knee
while they made out, groping and clawing at each other. His fingers were
inside the hem of her little pink bodysuit thing, just at the curve of her ass
cheek, and she kept swatting his hand away.
I shook my head at him when we passed and he grabbed my arm yanking me
back toward him, momentarily releasing Alice's mouth from his own. Her
whole face was swollen and red from Jasper's barely visible blonde scruff.
"Ooooh, you look prettier somehow…" Alice remarked, cocking her head to
the side with narrowed eyes as she examined Bella and her fucking neon
afterglow. Bella mumbled a shy thanks as I chuckled under my breath.
"Where the fuck have you been?" Jasper demanded.
"In the bathroom," I said brusquely, moving to walk away.
"Together?" they asked in unison.
"Yeah, why?"
Alice gasped as her hand flew to cover her mouth. She dragged Bella off
into the kitchen obviously knowing in that weird alien like sixth sense that
girls had about shit like orgasms and cheating boyfriends and sales on
designer shoes. I rubbed my forehead as I watched Bella dart her eyes back
and forth to me and then Alice while she tried to contain her excitement,
which I assumed was for my benefit.
"You can tell her, B. I don't care," I yelled down the hall. She smiled,
grabbing Alice closer and whispering in her ear whereby Alice jumped up
and down clapping and apparently doing an, "I'm so fucking happy you had
your first orgasm," dance in Tyler's mom's kitchen.
"Don't even tell me you two fucked, bro," Jasper said, slapping me on the
back, in an exaggerated brotherly gesture.
"I fucking wish," I mumbled incoherently. "No…just having a little non-
touching fun."
Bella yelled that she and Alice were going to dance. I waved, walking into
the kitchen to see if I could find some water while Jasper followed after the
girls. He was so pussy whipped on Alice it wasn't even funny.
I crouched, rooting around the fridge, finally finding two unopened bottles
of water, in which I downed a whole one before I even had the door shut.
My throat was so fucking tight and dry still, and I wanted to sober up some
before we had to leave. As I stood from my crouch, I almost dropped the
bottles when Makenna stood hovering over me, effectively scaring the shit
out of me.
"Hi Edward," she said softly. "I like your Ghostbuster outfit." Her speech
was slightly slurred, so I knew she was definitely drunk.
"Uh, I'm actually an exterminator, but…" I stood, shutting the fridge with
my foot. Makenna was wearing a slutty tiger outfit.
"I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry about um…that day…in the
library…calling you gay…it was shitty and I have felt bad ever since."
I shrugged, moving a few feet back from her. "It's no big deal, Makenna. I
honestly don't give a fuck what people think of me, so…"
"Oh…that's good. I wish I could be like that…" she covered her eyes with
her hand momentarily. "I just wanted you to know that I was real sorry."
"Okay…thanks." I gave her a small smile, turning to leave. I could have
been more appreciative for the apology, but I didn't have the energy to put
forth the effort. Plus, I didn't give a shit.
"Edward? Are you and Bella…together…like boyfriend girlfriend?"
Stopping in my tracks, I answered, "Uh…yeah, why?"
"Well, Jess…thinks Mike likes Bella and I just wanted to tell Jess she had
nothing to worry about. No one's ever seen you and Bella kiss or anything
so, we thought maybe you were just friends or…whatever." Makenna
fidgeted with her tail as she leaned back against the kitchen counter.
I narrowed my eyes at her. "Bella and I are most definitely together. Fucking
nosey bitches," I mumbled under my breath. "Tell Jessica that Mike is all
hers. Have a good night, Makenna," I snapped, walking back into the living
room. That was just what I needed- as if it wasn't bad enough they were
fueling the gay rumors about me, they now added in critical scrutiny on the
lack of physical contact regarding my relationship with Bella. Fucking great.
Bella, Rose, Angela, and Alice were dancing together with a bunch of other
girls in the center of the large living room. Tyler's brother was on fire tonight
with the music selection, and I would have enjoyed it more had I not been in
such a depressed and pissy mood.
It was late and the crowded living room was scattered with mostly couples
now, sucking each other's faces, some gratuitously groping simply to get
their last kicks in for the night. I found an empty seat on a couch nearby, and
just watched Bella move her body rhythmically and seductively to the
pulsing beats of the music. Those girls were fucking nuts…any time they
heard dance music they went all bat shit. But looking at her…she was
laughing and giggling with her girls…she was so happy.
In the opposite corner of the living room, I noticed Mike and Alec staring at
the girls with their heads together as if they were sharing big secrets or some
shit. It fucking pissed me off and I was through for the night. I was fucking
starving, my buzz had disappeared completely, I felt tired and shitty, and all
I really wanted was to lay down with Bella and sleep until I felt decent
again. I pulled out the stupid fruit snacks from my pocket and emptied half
the bag into my mouth at once.
Bella spotted me, smiled, and made her way through the crowd. I handed
Bella her water, which she gulped down in a mere second, ending with an
audible "Ahhhh." She sat on the arm of the couch next to me covering her
mouth as she yawned.
"You tired?" Bella nodded, yawning again. "Do you want to go?" She
nodded again. Not being able to hold her hand as we made our rounds to say
goodbye just pissed me off further and once we got into the car, I wanted to
hit something. Bella shivered as she slipped into the seat, feeling the leather
drench her bare skin in the cool night air. I draped her coat over her
shoulders, not able to take the wings off to put the coat on properly. That just
exacerbated my irritation, and I shook my head in disgust. My emotions
were on a fucking seriously steep rollercoaster tonight and I just wanted it to
be over with.
I turned up the heat all the way, letting the warmth soak in before I took off.
She leaned her head back into the seat closing her eyes. Her skin was still
flushed pink and glowing in the soft wash of the streetlights.
"Baby, are you okay?" This is where I would have held her hand.
"Um hmm…I'm just wiped out. Are you okay? You seem pissed off." She
turned to look at me. I shook my head and sighed.
"It's the usual shit, B. I'm just frustrated, it's no big deal. Hey…did you enjoy
that tonight…in the bathroom?" I smirked glancing at her sideways, not
wanting to bring her down from her high with my brooding. This is where I
would have run my hand up her thigh.
She bit her bottom lip, slouching into the seat. "Um, yeah? It felt weird, you
know…like, so dirty but hot at the same time. And I had an actual orgasm
so…now I get it. I get what the big deal about them is and... they are all
right, it is amazing!"
"Is that something you would want to do again? You know…me, you,
together but separate." Please God, please say yes…
"Yes," she answered without hesitation. I chuckled softly, turning onto our
block. I pulled in front of her house and put the car in park, letting it idle. If
Charlie's car hadn't been in the driveway, I would have brought her inside
and asked to lay beside her. It was just one of those nights that I really
needed some physical contact.
"I'll call you when I wake up?" I said, touching some curls that were hanging
against her cheek. Bella had the weekend off work, so we planned to spend
Sunday together since she had been gone all day Saturday at the spa.
"Good night, E," she said softly. "I… thank you for my…or-gasm." She
laughed proudly, pronouncing the word as if she had won a prize. With that,
she shimmied out of her underwear and shoved them into my coat pocket.
"Bella…"
I love you and want to kiss the shit out of you and have you fall asleep in my
arms.
I sighed. "Sweet Dreams."
Later, after I changed, tucked the undies into my Box-O- Bella and scoffed
down some organic toaster pastries, or shitty imitation Pop Tarts as I
preferred to call them. A light was on in the den, I found my mother
engrossed in a novel while curled under a blanket on the couch. I stood in
the doorway for a minute, not saying anything to her, just watching her read.
She looked up, smiled at me, and patted the couch next to her, just knowing
in that magic way that mom's do that her son craved some love.
And I went because I wasn't too proud or too old to admit that I really
needed my mom at that moment. Suddenly I was five years old again,
cuddling on the couch with my head in her lap as she ran her fingers through
my hair until I fell asleep to the story she was reading to me.
Only this time, she didn't read aloud…she stayed quiet, simply letting me
cry silent tears of frustration and pain soaking her pajama pants.
~%~
I woke up the next day just after ten with a raging headache to match my
raging morning wood. I couldn't even manage to relieve myself because my
grandma called, and as usual, she had me on the phone for a good hour
telling me of the parties at the country club and the insane gossip that circled
around their social group. She could talk forever and I would find endless
amusement in everything she had to say, regardless of the fact that I was
horny, hungry, hungover, and in desperate need of some aspirin.
My grandparents weren't the real elderly kind that played bingo and argued
with each other about what day of the fucking week it was. They were young
and cool and complete party amimals and truly, I missed them both
immensely. Gram was so excited when I told her all about Bella and she was
more than a little curious to know how that was working out without being
able to touch each other. I left out the sordid details, but gave her the general
idea of what we did together, and she seemed genuinely happy for me. I
promised to email her the Halloween pictures and she said she was looking
forward to seeing all of us at Christmas.
Bella beeped in, informing me that since it was so shitty outside and cold,
she was planning on making apple pie and dinner with her dad's girlfriend.
Though I wasn't at all domesticated or interested in culinary arts in the least,
I accepted the invitation and headed over there after I worked out, showered
and ate a late lunch.
Maggie answered the door, looking at me with a very odd expression. She
had this huge ass smile on her face and she hugged me tightly, startling me,
but making me feel welcome nonetheless. I assumed Bella told her about
me, but I could have been wrong. Maybe she was just really friendly. Either
way, I accepted the hug gratefully, asking where Bella was.
After following Maggie into the kitchen, Bella whispered a shy hello and
continued to peel and core the apples we had picked. She gave me small
assignments, asking me to cut up small pats of butter and mix or measure
out this and that and I found that it was really fun. It didn't seem to matter
what we did together; Bella and I enjoyed each other's company in just about
any situation.
However, to my complete and utter surprise, watching Bella cook was a
major turn on. I loved the way she moved around so self assuredly and even
when she had half of the bag of flour covering her face, she was still
beautiful. I knew that the end of the semester was shortly after Thanksgiving
and we would need to find an elective to replace study hall. I had never
considered taking home economics because it was what the girls all went
for, but since I was already lumped in with the girlie/ gay crowd, then why
not?
After all, Bella did marvel at how perfect my apple slices were and how well
I took direction considering I was a control freak and hated being instructed.
I explained that was only the case when I knew I was not only capable of
something but also good at it, and when I was new to something, I was
always willing to learn. And then I helped prepare dinner as well, peeling
potatoes and carrots for beef stew, which after four hours in a pressure
cooker or some shit, was fucking mouthwatering delicious. I have to say, I
was proud of myself, as was I of Bella.
We ate one of the amazing pies we made for dessert, topped with drizzled
caramel and vanilla ice cream, and though I tried to help clean up, I was
escorted into the den to accompany Charlie in watching the baseball game.
I think Bella coerced Maggie into doing that to either have girl talk or to get
me to spend time with her father alone, which I didn't particularly enjoy to
be truthful. He intimidated me to a certain extent and I hated feeling edgy
and nervous around anyone. It never occurred to me that Bella would have
shoved me in front of a baseball game to try and rouse me into playing
again.
Maggie and Charlie left, heading back to Seattle for the next few days,
before Bella and I slipped upstairs to her bedroom. She changed into her
pajamas, pink flannel button down with cows printed on them, and came in
to lay with me on her bed. We shared a pillow, a very Bella scented pillow,
being about as close as we could be without actually having physical
contact. Her breath was caramel scented and warm on my face and all I
wanted to do was kiss her sweet lips.
I turned on my side to face her, twirling a strand of hair around my finger
tightly, watching the tip of my skin gradually turn white from the interrupted
circulation. I knew she had something on her mind by the way she kept
opening her mouth to say something and then closing it as she chickened
out. I didn't press her, I simply stayed quiet in the dim light of her room,
taking in the moment.
"Can we talk about last night?" she finally asked softly.
"The orgasm?" I replied brightly, still playing with her hair and resisting the
strong pull to kiss her lips.
"The coke."
I groaned. "Oh that," I said, with a sigh.
"You wanted to do it, didn't you?" Her soft tone wasn't accusatory, just
questioning.
I darted my eyes away from hers in shame. "Yes." I couldn't lie to her or
avoid the question again. It would have been wrong and completely
pointless because she knew the answer prior to asking the question.
"So why didn't you?"
"I don't know," I said, darting my eyes away from hers again.
Coward.
"E, please talk to me," Bella's huge brown eyes begged as well.
I sighed and after about a minute, I responded, "Well, because you were
there and the last thing I need is to do that shit. It's not like I get regular
cravings for it…I was just in a crappy frame of mind and seeing it just made
me feel like I wanted to do it. I don't really know."
"What's it like?" she said, tracing circles on the bedspread between us.
"What, Coke?" She nodded. "Um…it's crazy, really. Your heart races out of
your chest and you have so much energy and it's sort of scary but at the same
time it's so fucking amazing. It's this huge surge of adrenaline…like a rush
to your head and in that second it hits your brain or whatever, you feel like a
fucking god… a king… like you are invincible. Any shitty feelings are
instantly erased and time speeds up infinitely. So for the thirty minutes it
lasts, life is great. But then you don't want that feeling to stop so you keep
doing it until you can't function anymore. Coming down is the worst…it's a
few days of being depressed and sick."
"That sounds fun," she said rolling her eyes. "I guess I get the appeal but…"
I swallowed and exhaled. "How would you feel if I did it?" I asked, out of
sheer curiosity.
"Um…Edward, I don't want to tell you what to do, but it would make me
very unhappy if you did. And if you ever do it, I never want to witness you
do it and I don't want to be around you when you're high on coke. Please,
don't do it…please?"
"I won't, don't worry," I smiled, brushing the end of her nose with a lock of
her hair.
Bella's chin lifted up indignantly. "What would you say if I wanted to try it?"
As soon as the words left her mouth, I clenched my teeth and my fists
simultaneously. "Bella…don't you dare even think about it. That shit is so
dangerous and addictive and I …"
Love you too much to ever see you get involved with anything that
disgusting.
She abruptly cut me off, "E relax…I have no desire to do it, I just wanted to
see what you would say. I can't even take cold medicine without having my
heart palpitate, so don't worry." I nodded, closing my eyes in relief.
We were still for a while after that; the only sounds in the room our
breathing or the occasional rustle of the bed linens underneath us. Staring
into her eyes, I could see her warmth and her kindness and the depth of her
emotions. But also, if I looked hard enough, I was able to see what the
brown reflected…it was me, Edward Anthony Cullen…little boy lost.
Bella was like this angel, this beautiful saintly creature that wandered
aimlessly into my life, making me feel alive for the first time in a long time,
making me feel like wanting to live for something other that simply existing.
She gave me something I never thought I would see again. She gave me
hope.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked softly.
"How unfair life is," I answered quietly, releasing my lower lip from my
teeth. "How sometimes I used to think that I must have been a serial
murderer or something awfully evil in another life to deserve the shitty deal
I've been given in this one. And then you came along and I know for sure I
must be in hell because what could I possibly have done that was so horrific
that the devil would dangle you in front of my face and won't let me have
you?" Overcome with emotion as the words left my mouth, my eyes pricked
with tears for the second day in a row. I couldn't stop them from falling and
it was futile to hide it from Bella.
Bella's eyes clouded over with sadness, tears brimming along the surface.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered as little trails of tears slid down her cheeks
onto the bedspread. She reached out and grazed her fingers along mine. Her
hand was trembling.
I allowed a tear to fall down my temple before I wiped it with the back of
my hand. My voice cracked as I looked down at our connected hands.
"But then I think that maybe…maybe you were sent to me because I am
good and I do deserve a person like you in my life." I sniffed, coughing back
a full blown sob. I could feel my bottom lip quivering like a baby's, but I
didn't care, because Bella's silent tears were mirroring my own. I felt her
pain, I felt her sadness…they were all mine.
"Do you think that's maybe the case, Bella? Do you think that I am good
enough inside to deserve you? Do you think that you could possibly ever
love me the way I love you?" I shut my eyes, gasping back the choked
breaths that accompanied the quiet sobs. Bella's fingers laced through mine,
tightening around my palm. She leaned over, placing a small kiss on my
thumb. I could feel warm wetness where her tears splashed on my skin.
"Edward," she sniffed, inching her face closer to mine. "You are sweet and
good and wonderful and I love you so much it hurts to breathe sometimes,
so don't you ever…ever doubt who you are. This isn't your fault and I don't
know why it happened, but it doesn't matter because I would still love you
without question, no matter what. I'll love you forever and ever, E. I
promise."
And before either of us knew it, our noses touched just the tiniest bit before
Bella's lips brushed gently against mine. It was but a feather blowing in the
wind…soft, almost non existent…but there, present and tenderly defined.
And though the kiss didn't last more than a fraction of a second, it was real.
Bella, my sweet beautiful Bella, who was my angel and my reason to wake
up in the morning, loved me. And a huge piece of the ginormous black hole
that was gaping in my life closed up in that very moment. Because I knew
no matter what ugliness had stained my past, my future was with Bella,
bright and beautiful and full of hope just like her.
Because I was loved, whether I deserved it or not.
~%~

JSYK, The story I rec'ced last chapter, The Boy By the Window by
Hopefulhappenings09 was pulled because the author had someone
delete it from her account and she had no backup. Such a shame and
disappointment. I hope that someone printed it and can get it to her.
Now go read Vanity Fair and someone send me a damn copy because
apparently New York is all sold out.

This chapter is strange/ random/ overwhelming, and there's a lot of stuff

happening, but it is all completely necessary to further the story along,
so don't tell me "Oh I loved the chapter but I felt like it was a filler."
I will cut you.
Also, the Spanish at the end…I know its wrong and I don't care. I used
the online translator, because the last time I used conversational
Spanish was in tenth grade and the fact that I don't even have enough
fingers to count how long ago that was makes me cry. The last time I
used conversational Spanish in real life was in Cancun and it was
limited to, "Mas Tequila, por favor." Ahhh, good times.
Pics of all the jewelry is on my profile. You gotta see the ring especially.
Thank you as always to Becca for proofing and to Suzy who…well you
know what you do BB. TY. Thanks and blushes to everyone who is
reading the story and feeling E & B's pain.
Also to the girls on the thread…not yet, but soon.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 20~ Broken Angels
We're just two tarnished hearts,
But in each other's arms
We become saints and angels
I love your imperfections
I love your everything
Your broken heart, your broken wings
I love you when you hold me
And when you turn away,
I love you still, and I'm not afraid
Cause I know you feel the same way
And you'll stay
Sara Evans~ Saints and Angels
~Bella~
Edward said, "I love you,"…out loud.
At the time, I didn't know exactly what to make of it because it wasn't even
remotely close to how I expected it to happen, how I had anticipated hearing
those three words…from Edward…for the first time.
I had thought about it a great deal. Probably too much if I was being honest.
And the fact that I watched, (though sporadically) these ridiculously far
fetched teen dramas with these boys making grand gestures with their
professions of undying love…well, that I suppose, is what I was expecting
Edward to do, if and when he ever said it to me. I was expecting something
huge and emphatic and theatrical, sandwiched between smiles and laughter.
Something very ostentatious like Edward himself.
No…not the way he said it.
If I thought about it hard enough, it was sort of like I got the Walmart
version when I was expecting the Nordstrom's…but I hadn't realized how
much more I liked the discount edition. Was I disappointed? Hell no,
because what I failed to realize when I woke the next morning under the
warmth of my covers and Edward gone from my bed, was that in his own
way, it was the grandest, most impressive admission of all. His I love you-
soft spoken and gentile, masked inside the quiet, hidden proclamation of his
feelings inserted between tears and pain and most of all, self loathing.
Edward Cullen, the beautiful boy who seemed to have everything- looks,
money, intelligence, charm and a wonderful family- felt he deserved none of
it. He didn't feel as though he deserved anything good in his life because he
was so bad. He didn't think that he deserved me- me…the messed up girl
who ran away from her shame and pain only to fall hard and fast for the one
boy in the whole world she couldn't physically be with. I tried my very best
to make him understand that he was loved back and that he wasn't ever to
think such lowly thoughts of himself because none of his situation was his
fault, but he didn't believe me, I could tell. His beautiful beach glass eyes
gave him away. They were sad and angry at the same time. The hurt was
plain as day and I would do anything to take it away.
He put me on this pedestal…referring to me as his angel that saved him. The
thoughts I had of him were far less than angelic…if he only knew...
How this thought process worked, I couldn't possibly understand, because I
didn't think I did anything but cause him more angst.
My very presence was a constant reminder of what he had been accused of
and what he couldn't have. Even by association- my step father being a
baseball player and Edward giving that up, and Charlie being a an ex-cop,
current Private investigator, and Edward obviously feeling intimidated and
uncomfortable in his company. I don't think it was simple teenage boy fear
that plagued him. It was fear- fear that Charlie would somehow, with his deft
investigative prowess or some sort of internal perv detector… just know.
I couldn't imagine having to live like that, always fearful of things that
weren't even in your control. Just touching me or any other female
accidentally had him shaking in his ridiculously overpriced shoes. At the
Halloween party, Edward didn't even make an attempt to get me a drink,
because the rooms were all so crowded and he knew it was inevitable that he
would touch someone. Not that anyone there was watching him...well,
watching him for that specific reason. It didn't escape my notice that
Makenna, Jessica and Lauren had her eyes planted on Edward and I almost
the whole night.
I said nothing to him, because he was having a shitty night to begin with and
the last thing I wanted to do was to aggravate his anxiety and pissy mood,
but those girls watching him creeped me out. I was just going to assume that
they were ogling him and leave it at that. That didn't stop my thoughts of
wanting to claw their eyes out of their heads with my freshly painted finger
nails. I guess the OPI nail polish name "Blood Thirsty" had different
meanings depending on the wearer.
The fact that Mike was being overly flirtatious with me while I was dancing
bothered me too. Though I told him flat out that I was with Edward, Mike
said, "So, I'm here with Jessica and even if I am here talking or dancing with
another girl she'll still be on her knees blowing me afterward. So relax." I
should have slapped him across his smug face and immediately warned Jess,
but I owed her nothing and quite frankly, I didn't give a shit about her and I
was trying to stop being the nice girl all the time. Mike was scum and I
decided there and then I had no respect for him. As far as I was concerned,
they deserved each other.
And then there was the issue of the cocaine. Edward practically salivated
over it, staring at it as if it was fresh water in the middle of a dessert. I knew
he wanted to do it, and that scared the living shit out of me.
Drugs petrified me. Yeah, call me a big fat hypocrite because since moving
to Forks, I smoked pot nearly every day. I really didn't consider marijuana a
hardcore drug. I had never heard of anyone dying from an overdose from pot
and it was a natural herb, (sort of) and wasn't so addicting like meth or
heroin that people robbed banks and stuff because they were under the
influence. Well, aside from the occasional convenience store theft when an
occasional penniless pothead got overzealous for some Cheetos and Little
Debbie's cupcakes.
Cocaine was different. In California, the people I hung with did coke all the
time. Rich kids had access to so many drugs it was frightening and for
whatever reason, coke was the sin of choice. I guess it was because though it
made you high, it still allowed you to be in complete control. I had asked
Edward what it was like, even though I already knew from what Bree had
told me. I wanted to know his personal experience with it and it scared me to
listen him talk about how it affected him because his tone was almost alight
with recollection at the excitement of it. He said he wouldn't do it again and
I believed him. Therefore, I left it at that, hoping that Edward would be good
to his word and would respect my wishes.
On Monday at school, I was nervous to see him after the previous night, not
knowing where this had left us. I dressed extra carefully, wearing the white
blouse with the fluttery sleeves because I knew he liked that top. I wondered
how he would behave with me now…if he would be sweet and loving, or
back to his usual hardened, brooding, mysterious boy façade. Jekyll and
Hyde had nothing on my beautiful boy.
Edward had cried in front of me, told me he loved me and then admitted he
thought he wasn't good enough to be with me. That had to mean there would
be a definite adjustment in our relationship. Oh yeah, and also the fact that
he saw my entire cootch spread eagle while I masturbated and helped me to
reach a fucktastic orgasm. That too.
But Edward didn't meet me after second period like he usually did. I texted
him, wondering where the hell he could possibly be but received no reply. It
terrified me that he had run away or thought he had made some colossal
mistake or something in admitting his feelings. In bed that previous night I
had held his hand and sort of kissed him, because I was so moved by his
words that preceded his tears…was he embarrassed, was he angry that I
touched him? How he could be angry…it was the sweetest, most heartfelt
moment of my entire life and he was running away from that?
I waited anxiously for a reply chewing my nails down to nothing and
obsessing over his absence. In third period, Rosalie practically assaulted me
with questions knowing that something was wrong. I felt as if I was
completely betraying Edward's trust by exposing his truth and vulnerability
but I was such a frigging wreck about it, I had to divulge something to
someone.
Therefore, I wrote her a note describing everything that had happened,
emphasizing the fact that Edward wasn't around today. She passed one back
telling me to not worry and that his 'sort of' I love you, was a definite I love
you and not just some tear filled rambling. In her opinion, she felt that he
was not the kind of guy that gave those word or feelings out frequently or
freely and that was his way of showing me or telling me his feelings in one
big snot filled mess. She put my mind at ease for the time being and then
finally at lunch, Jasper told me Edward had woken that morning very sick
with a terrible sore throat and fever. I felt stupid for even thinking anything
negative of him, and then questioned the reasons for my unfounded
insecurity.
I debated whether or not I should attempt to see him after school, but Jasper
said I probably should and not to worry about his failure to reply to my text,
because Edward was likely sleeping. Apparently, he got sick like this every
year and it was bad. Needless to say I was so relieved. Then I felt shitty,
because I realized that I would prefer him sick and in pain as opposed to
leaving me. Yeah, some angel I was.
After Bio, I called Charlie, prepared to tell him an elaborate lie about how I
got my period and it seeped through my white pants (as if I would be caught
dead wearing white pants in November) and I needed to go home because I
was dying of embarrassment. But as soon as I mentioned the word period,
Charlie emphatically ordered me to stop talking. The man would sign over
the deed to his house and the title to his brand new truck without batting an
eye in order to avoid any kind of conversation on the topic of his daughter's
menstrual cycle.
Good to know for the future.
That being said, I signed out after sixth period, hit the grocery story for the
ingredients for chicken soup, while I picked up some popsicles and a big bag
of M&M's. I bought some lozenges and a handful of instant scratch off
lottery tickets that I flirted with the guy behind the counter to let me
purchase despite the fact that I was not eighteen. I loved having boobs…they
were better than an Amex card.
Oh, and I promised to share my winnings with the dude…as if that was ever
going to happen. Sucker.
If I won big, well, I don't know the first thing I would buy, because the one
thing I wanted right now couldn't be purchased with money. Edwards
happiness was absolutely priceless and unfortunately, not for sale.
At home, I made the soup quickly, anxious to get over to see Edward, but
terribly nervous at the same time. Esme's Jag was in the driveway and I was
hoping I could bypass her because I thought perhaps she might be insulted
that I was cooking for her son. But when she opened the door for me, her
face brightened.
"Bella! Oh, I'm so glad you're here. Are you staying for a bit, because I'd like
to run out for a few hours and I don't want to leave him alone? Edward is a
gigantic baby when he's sick, just so you know." Esme rolled her eyes and
smiled, ushering me inside. She was talking a mile a minute, sounding like
the crazed mothers I use to baby sit for that were dying to make a quick
escape while their kids were watching "Dora the Explorer" DVD's.
"Sure, go ahead," I laughed. "Is he okay?" Esme craned her neck as she
peeked in the bag. "It's chicken soup with tortellini. I hope it's alright that I
cooked for him," I explained while smiling sheepishly.
"Of course! He hates my cooking and I haven't been able to get him to eat
anything at all today. Carlisle did a culture on him this morning and he has
Strep, so don't share a spoon with him or you'll get it too." Esme slipped on
her coat and slung her pocketbook over her shoulder. "I'll be back in a few.
He has my cell number if you need anything. Oh and there's a bottle of
antibiotics on his nightstand. If he eats, make sure he takes one at four." The
door shut and she was out like a flash down the driveway. No wonder she
liked Alice. I had never realized how similar they were in this moment...in a
frantic sort of way. Edward being sick must have been really trying on Esme.
I went into the kitchen, grabbing a bowl and a spoon and put the box of
popsicles in the freezer. I headed upstairs to Edward's room knocking on his
door lightly, but when there was no answer, I slipped inside quietly shutting
the door behind me. He was lying on his stomach, shirtless, one arm curled
under his pillow and the other hand by his mouth. I could see a faint sheen
of dark stubble along his jaw…a first. The hair at his neck was matted and
damp and he looked so sexy, yet so vulnerable. I think I even spotted a tiny
glint of drool coming from his mouth.
Awww...so cute and so gross at the same time.
On his nightstand was a closed prescription bottle and a container of Advil
sitting next to a half empty glass of water. There was one of those ear
thermometers and some throat spray, all organized neatly. I smiled thinking
that even when he was sick he was tidy.
After I put the soup on the nightstand, I sat on the couch across from his bed
for a while watching him sleep. He was by far the most beautiful thing I had
ever seen. So peaceful, so lovely, even for a boy. Just the way his dark lashes
feathered over his cheeks, the way the smoothness of his pale skin rippled
over his muscles when he breathed, his chest rising and falling minutely. I
could have watched him sleep all day, though…the urge to touch him was
overwhelming, as was the urge to lick the little matching dimples that
punctuated the base of his spine. I thought that maybe if I did it lightly, he
wouldn't ever know. It was bad and wrong, but I understood why he didn't
want to make a habit of touching in private.
Touching him was like an addiction. I needed it…I craved the feel of his
skin warming my fingers and the way it felt being so close to him, absorbing
his smell and his everything. Tentatively, I moved over from the couch to the
edge of the bed, just where I had sat the day he let me watch him taking care
of himself. It took a few minutes of staring before I reached my hand out
ghosting my fingers along his spine. His skin was burning hot from the
fever. He sighed and I immediately withdrew my hand, fearful that he would
be angry if he woke and found me sneaking contact.
But like the skin addict I was swiftly becoming, I waited a few minutes
before I reached out to run the tip of my finger over the crescent of his ear,
through the damp hair at the nape of his neck, down his shoulder and to his
bicep, stopping at his inked arm. The skin was raised in certain areas where
the ink was, and I found the intricate tribal pattern wrapped around curving
muscle to be fascinating.
Edward sighed again, this time mashing his face into the pillow underneath
him. He moaned softly, clearly a sound of pain. His lashes fluttered open and
he stared at his nightstand, furrowing his eyebrows at the bag I had brought.
He hadn't noticed I was there.
"Hey," I said softly, as he jumped, covering his face and then moaning again.
"Hi B." His voice was barely audible, scratchy and gravelly. He swiped his
hand across his mouth, effectively wiping away his drool.
"How do you feel?" I almost thought I should probably sit on my hands
because the desire to caress his cheek was overpowering. Edward reached
for the glass of water, took a sip, and winced.
"Fuck," he breathed as he swallowed hard. "I feel like shit. I think I might
die. You're not sick too?"
I shook my head no, as he rolled over, pulling the covers up to his chest. "I
was worried when you didn't meet me today. I thought maybe you were
avoiding me cause you were weirded out by last night," I said quietly. He
smiled, looking down, obviously a little embarrassed. He looked different
with the stubble… older even. Though still damp, his shiny, unstyled hair
was in an unusual state of un-gel. It was beautiful and so soft looking. I
could swear I heard it call my name...Bella, Bella touch me....
"If I had my way I would have spent the night with you, but my mom called
at like two am wondering where the hell I was. I felt like shit, so I came
home. I wish I could have woken up with you, though," he whispered
roughly.
"Me too. I…" I wanted to say something about his opening up to me and
saying those words, but I chickened out. "I brought you some soup. It's
tortellini in chicken broth. Are you hungry?"
He nodded his head while his eyes lit up, giving me a surge of pride that my
cooking could elicit such a reaction from a dying man. While he sat up, I
helped him adjust the pillows behind his back when my hand accidentally on
purpose... may or may not have touched his back dimples.
I carefully poured some of the soup into a bowl and held it out for him,
knowing that even in his state of suffering, he was watching me nervously
thinking that I would inevitably spill something.
"Do you want me to feed you?" I chuckled.
He smirked lightly, bringing the spoon to his lips. "Thanks, I can manage."
He took a few sips, wincing everytime he swallowed, followed by a colorful
expletive to explain the pain it caused. His hair kept falling in his face,
annoying him, so I pulled out a little claw clip from my hair and raked back
his hair before clipping it in place.
He looked at me with disbelief, complaining, "Bella, don't fuck with me
when I'm sick." But I left it in, laughing lightly at him with my clip in his
hair, effectively keeping the wayward lock from annoying him. He didn't
remove the clip, he just continued to eat. I liked that he was partially
submissive when he was sick.
"I need a haircut," he said flatly. I smiled and covered my mouth because of
what Maggie had said while we were cleaning up dinner. She saw Edward
when he first came in and got all weird on me.
Later, she was sort of dumbfounded at how it was such a small world,
explaining that…well, I think her exact words were, "Your boyfriend is a
regular customer in my salon and all the girls there nicknamed him "Catnip"
because he attracts all the wealthy cougars. They literally drool
uncontrollably over his hot man- boy bod and chiseled features and his just
after sex hair…God, that hair! How do you stand it, Bella? You two must be
all over each other when your dad's not here, huh?" She was fanning herself
animatedly.
If she only knew the immeasurable amount of restraint it took to do that,
considering I had so very little parental supervision. I had rolled my eyes at
the cougar comment, but in all honesty, it was to be expected. He was
gorgeous.
She told me that E got manicures and pedicures and also got his eyebrows
waxed, but she was supposed to keep all that confidential. I knew about
doctor/ patient confidentiality, but I had no idea that cosmetologist/customer
confidentiality existed as well. Edward getting professionally manscaped did
not surprise me at all, but I thought it was sort of comical and so perfectly
him.
He ate more soup than I expected him to because it was so painful for him to
swallow, but I found that it was so satisfying to take care of him. Eventually,
I took the bowl away from him, setting it on the nightstand, as he patted the
bed next to him.
While I kicked off my shoes, I climbed in beside Edward, smiling as I
imagined us as old people, eating soup together as we took out our dentures
and laid them next to each other on the nightstand. He would wrap my
shoulders in one of the four hundred ugly afghans that I had knitted, and I
would hold his hand all liver spotted and wrinkly, but still beautiful. And I
would say, "I love you," and he would say "I love you more," and then we
would argue about who had the most love. It would be funny and sweet and
it made me a little sad to think of us that way. I would always see Edward as
beautiful, no matter what he looked like, because truly he was, inside and
out.
I gave him his pill as Esme requested, feeling oddly motherly, but liking it
just the same. He slunk back down into the covers, smooshing one of his
pillows against his body. It served as a boundary between us, while we lay
face to face again. His pillow case smelled like him and made my whole
body fill with comfort and lust. I made a mental note to steal one once he
had recovered.
"Maggie knows you from her salon," I said smirking.
He blinked rapidly. "E-Clips is her place? That's why she was looking at me
funny yesterday! I couldn't figure out why she was eyeing me like that. I
knew I recognized her from somewhere. Oh shit, she didn't tell you…"
Edward winced partially from the pain after talking so much and I think
maybe even from the idea of me knowing he received regular pampering
treatments.
I chuckled. "The eyebrows…yeah, that's sort of obvious, but mannies and
peddies? Really?" I said, wrinkling my nose teasingly.
He laughed and sighed. "In my defense," he said roughly, "I'm half Italian
and if I don't do my eyebrows I look like a fucking yeti. And the other shit
well…I don't get them entirely because of the outcome, though that is a
bonus. It just…feels really good." He shrugged his shoulders, wincing as he
swallowed again. "Jasper and Em get them too, so go laugh at those girlie
motherfuckers cause they have no excuse."
I nodded. "Oh…oooohhh," I said, as the proverbial light bulb went off. He
got them simply because he liked the physical contact. And if that wasn't one
of the saddest things I had ever heard, I didn't know what was.
"Sometimes I get massages there too. They are amazing. Have you ever had
one?" I shook my head no, creeping my fingers closer to his. "Well, I have to
go into Seattle on Saturday to take care of some legal shit, and I want to get
a haircut while I'm there. If you want to come, I'll make an appointment for a
massage for you and then we can go somewhere nice for lunch. I should be
better by the end of the week." His voice was absolutely raw and some of the
words came out almost inaudibly.
I smiled brightly, nodding in excitement. "That sounds great, but don't talk
anymore, okay? It's making me hurt listening to you." Edward just nodded. I
smiled at his hair because he was still wearing my clip unknowingly.
At the same time out of pure habit, he reached his hand up to run his fingers
through his hair. When he hit the clip, I could see the mischievous gleam in
his eyes. He unclasped it and as he pulled out he whispered playfully, "You
are pure evil to tease a dying man and I hate you immensely."
I clicked my tongue against the roof of my mouth rolling my eyes. "Oh, you
love me immensely and you know it." Stunned immediately afterward, I
though maybe perhaps I had replied too quickly.
His hand reached out to put the clip back in my hair and he whispered, "Yes,
I do…immensely." And then I melted into a gooey puddle of love struck
ooze right there on his bed. It was strange to hear him say such things to me
but amazing at the same time. It made me feel woozy and high.
The back of his pinkie brushed against my forehead as his eyes struggled to
stay open. Edward whispered, "Thank you, Beautiful," and then just a few
minutes later, he drifted off to sleep. I couldn't help but observe the way it
seemed more than a simple thank you for the soup…it gave the impression
of maybe a whisper of gratitude for listening to him and being there for him,
and maybe even… for loving him back.
I watched him sleep peacefully, until I heard Esme come in the house again.
I whispered, "I love you. Feel better," to Edward while I kissed his head
softly. I collected up the soup paraphernalia bringing everything downstairs.
She smirked at the empty soup bowl and I just muttered that he was really
hungry.
Esme had a ton of groceries, which I helped her unpack while we chatted.
She asked me to stay for dinner, but I declined, knowing I had English
homework and I wanted to repolish my nails since I had slaughtered my
fresh manicure with my Edward anxiety.
I left the remaining soup in the fridge with a note reading "Edward's- eat
and die a slow horrible death," knowing that both his brothers and maybe
even his father would fight to the death to eat something non- organic with
preservatives and salt and actual flavor in it.
As I was about to leave, I pursed my lips debating whether or not to ask
Esme a question. Her head was buried in the freezer and I wasn't even sure
she would hear me. "Esme? Is there something I can do for him? I mean to
make this easier?" I bit my lip feeling needlessly uncomfortable with the
topic.
"Oh, well… he'll be out of school until Friday I am sure so if you want to
grab his books and homework assignments that would be helpful, and of
course you can bring more food." She winked at me while holding up the
box of popsicles I had brought. I laughed lightly shaking my head.
"Of course…but no, I meant, can I do something to help his…situation? He
seems so frustrated all the time and I can't help feeling that I am making it
worse by just being around reminding him of what he can't do." My feet
shifted from one to the other while I awaited her answer.
She sighed, smoothing her hair back. "I think that the situation is what it is
and Edward has to deal with it in whatever way works for him. It has to run
its course. You have made things so much better for him, and I can truly
understand your feeling like the opposite. He cares for you very much, Bella.
He smiles now and he laughs like he hasn't in a very long time. You are a
good influence on Edward. Carlisle and I both appreciate that, as well as
your acceptance of him and…" she paused before she finished her sentence,
"not many girls your age would."
I nodded, smiling. "He's worth the wait."
She walked toward me and to my absolute surprise, she placed a kiss on the
top of my head. "Thank you."
I waved good bye, and just as I was about to shut the front door, she called,
"Bella?" I turned, making eye contact with her. "Get him to play baseball
again. That …that would help tremendously."
I left, pondering that thought. Baseball was something he loved, excelled at,
and was proud of. If he could get that part of himself back, it would probably
help his self esteem or whatever enormously. I didn't know how to do that
because it was a sensitive subject with him, and any time I broached it, he
would shut down. Perhaps a little phone call to Phil was in order. Maybe
Charlie wasn't the only one in the family with stealthy police like skills....
~%~
The next afternoon, I made some more soup for Edward, tomato this time,
and brought it over after school. He still was in bed, still groggy and in pain
and not feeling any better. I brought his books and assignments in which I
gave him all the answers for. Not that he needed my help, but he didn't feel
like thinking in his state.
I did the same thing all week listening to him piss and moan about being so
close to the loss of his mortality as he knew it. It was no wonder women
gave birth. I rolled my eyes...again, as he related his near death
experience...all the while watching him gradually progress back to health.
Esme was so right about him being a big fat baby when he was sick.
On Wednesday, he was lying on his bed with his tongue hanging out of his
mouth while clutching a hand written copy of his will. Basically, it said that
all of his worldly possessions should be divided up between Jasper and
Emmett, Alice was to have his car, Rose got his left toenail from his big toe,
his bank account should go to a local homeless shelter and as for me…well,
I got his heart. Literally- he wanted his heart to be put into a fancy jar of
formaldehyde so I could keep it on my nightstand to remember him forever.
He was a sick fuck, but I loved him anyway.
On Thursday he dragged me outside to keep him company as he had
cigarette and while I complained of the rain and cold, he whined that he
hadn't smoked in four days and he was about to die a cold hard death from
withdrawal.
By Friday afternoon, he was much better, actually wearing clothing and
sitting at the kitchen table sucking on a cherry popsicle while waiting
eagerly for me to bring his food. He had asked for pizza, which I happily
brought and shared with Jasper and Emmett. Later, Alice and Rose came
over and we all played Cranium and snuck beers from the bar in the
basement acting like normal teenagers. I scolded E, telling him not to mix
alcohol with antibiotics. He glared at me and reminded me that antibiotics
thing only counted if the person was on birth control.
Quietly I said to him, "You are on birth control...just not Doctor prescribed."
He raised his eyebrow and quickly flipped me off. I heard Em in the
background yell, "Hey Tink...Eddie thinks your number one!"
Edward leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Beautiful, you are my
number one. The one that holds my heart."
"Yeah, in a jar on my nightstand," I scowled, even though the words melted
me all over, I would have punched him for the cheesiness if I had been
permitted to.
Saturday morning, Edward and I headed out to Seattle around seven am to
make his ten thirty appointment with his truant officer. He was wearing flat
front beige pants, a pale blue button down shirt and brown dress shoes with
a matching belt. He even had on a frigging navy blue tie!
Edward's hair was styled really different as well, much neater and almost
parted to the side all nerdish and so not the trendy way he usually had it. I
raised an eyebrow at his completely un-Edward outfit, but he just explained
that his attorney advised him to play the part of a "good boy" when he made
his appointments. Apparently in his attorney's eyes, good boy equaled
"preppy nerd" or "geek chic," but who was I to make that assumption.
He was quiet in the car on the way there, just nodding and listening to me
ramble nervously, though I don't know how much of what I said he actually
absorbed. I tried to take his mind off things by telling him stories about the
past week at school and all the teenage trauma and drama contained in the
walls of Forks High School.
We listened to his iPod and I found I really liked this new band that he had
playing- some up and coming indie rock group called New Moon.
Occasionally, he would bite his fingernails and give me a meek smile, so I
knew he was anxious. I was feeding off his nerves, feeling jumpy and
awkward.
I asked him what actually happened at his appointments, and he just said that
he had to answer a bunch of mundane routine questions about school and
how he spent his free time and then it was over. He said the shittiest part was
that they usually made him wait almost an hour to see the guy, which he felt
was deliberate, just to prove how much control he didn't have and how he
was just a lowly piece of shit who deserved to be treated as such. I could
clearly see evidence in his diminutive posture and his demeanor that this
whole thing defeated him.
Though Edward said he very much wanted my company while he waited
inside the Juvenile Court building, he didn't want to be seen with me, for
obvious reasons. I waited in his car while he was inside, texting back and
forth to kill time and hoping to uplift his spirits. An hour and a half later, he
came striding out, grinning and cheerful.
He pulled around the back of a nearby building where in the front seat, he
changed into another shirt and jeans. It was a much more Edward-ish outfit
and he smirked as I licked my lips when his pants disappeared, revealing his
gray boxer briefs…tight gray boxer briefs that outlined every curve and…
bulge…of his beautiful body. God bless Calvin Klein and his miraculous
undergarments. Boxer briefs were indeed a gift to the females of this world.
I wanted him. I needed to see it, touch it, taste it, smell it, rub it on my
cheek…
We hadn't done anything sexual in nature since Halloween and it sort of
concerned me that I was so anxious and eager to get more of that when I
knew I shouldn't be pushing any of it.
I was a skin addict. A full on hardcore Edward Cullen skin addict. I
wondered if there was a specific type of therapy or like, a 12 step program
for that.
Hi, I'm Isabella, and I am addicted to my boyfriend's skin. I am seven days
clean.
However, as badly as I wanted him, I did nothing to initiate another round of
masturbation and neither did he.
After shedding the super straight-laced outfit, he pulled out a travel size
bottle of hair stuff, squirted a small circle on his palm and proceeded to
eliminate the preppy nerd and resurrect the crazy yet artfully controlled hair
of the boy I was enamored with. It was fascinating watching him coif
himself in the mirror making sure every hair was perfectly messy even
though we were on our way to the salon. I mentioned this and he simply
shrugged his shoulders.
With his change in appearance and the departure of the court building behind
us, Edward was a new man. He was smiling and unusually happy, and I was
so relieved that he was back.
Eventually, we found a really nice steak house downtown to eat lunch at and
though the hostess eyefucked Edward, I was glad to get a male waiter that
blatantly eyefucked me. Edward was overly difficult with him, asking for
things like the mashed potatoes to be specifically put in a red dish to the left
of his plate, and requesting that I only wanted to have my sparkling water to
be refilled when it was exactly one third empty.
He of course, did this deliberately and I told him I was going to be pissed if I
found a pubic hair or a glob of spit on my seared tuna steak. Edward
reassured me that they would never do such a thing in an upscale place such
as we were eating in, and that I should trust him. I still inspected my food in
a way only the daughter of a private investigator/ex-police chief could,
wishing I had accepted that junior forensics kit Charlie wanted to get me for
my fourteenth birthday.
Then, Edward left like a fifty dollar tip on a one hundred dollar meal just
because I made him feel bad for torturing the waiter. He simply but
sarcastically answered me, "Yes dear. What ever you say dear," rolled his
eyes and threw the money on the table. I picked it up and secured it under
the saltshaker like it was a high end security devise.
After we finished eating, we walked down to the Pacific Plaza where I swear
Edward's eyes twinkled and shone a brightness that I had yet to see in him. I
realized that the center was filled with all the high end stores that weren't to
be found anywhere near Port Angeles. He had found his promise land and it
opened its arms to welcome home its prodigal son…and his American
Express Platinum card.
He bought about four thousand dollars worth of clothes in Barney's,
including a three hundred dollar sweater for me that I didn't even say I liked,
(though I did very much), but since he liked it, he bought it for me
regardless. After that, I made sure to not even give a cursory glance at
anything else because the mere suggestion that I fancied something made
Edward shop happy.
If I were to be entirely honest there was a beautiful little pair of Christian
Dior boots that I would have given up my virginity for, but they were almost
a thousand dollars and I couldn't ask Edward to buy them for me, even
though it wouldn't have made a dent in his wallet.
I loved gifts, don't get me wrong, but he wasn't even looking at price tags-
just giving things quick glances and asking me if I like them. If I said yes,
then the shirt or coat or jeans were thrown over his arm or mine and it was
done. Credit card slapped on the counter one second, armloads of bags the
next.
We went into Cartier, where Edward dropped six grand on a watch. I had
never even seen him wear a watch before and when I asked him about it, he
said it was because the one he had, he didn't like to wear for a reason he
declined to divulge. I asked him what time it was and he proudly and
exuberantly threw his wrist out and told me, "2:17."
I laughed made the same grand gesture and said, "Why look at that… mine
says the exact same thing and it was only fifty-six bucks at my moms store."
He mumbled something under his breath to the tune of, "Beautiful smart
ass."
The lady behind the counter eyed us warily, asking for his ID along with his
credit card when she totaled his order. Sixteen year olds didn't usually make
such expensive purchases and Edward whispered to me that she thought the
card was stolen. Apparently, this happened to him quite often.
It was odd, this spending spree, almost… manic. When I asked about it and
he noticed my concern about his parents getting pissed about him spending
all their money, he explained that the money was his from the child support
payments sent by Edward Masen.
He explained that he would go on shopping sprees to buy himself frivolous
items whenever he had to do these court things. Almost as though he was
rewarding himself for another six weeks of successful non- touching and
exceptional behavior. Or for celebrating the fact that it was six weeks closer
to the end of his personal nightmare. Whatever it was, I was afraid he was
using this as an excuse to be able to control something...anything...in his life.
I had heard of women who shopped to an extent to hide from someone or
something in their lives. I began to wonder if it could apply to men too.
We passed a kiosk that had more trendy jewelry where I saw they had navel
rings. I saw this really cute white gold piece that you could dangle your
initial from. I asked the sales lady to see it and when she told me the B was
on backorder, Edward chimed in, telling her it was okay because I wanted an
E instead.
"You're mine, Beautiful," he whispered, hot breath pouring over my ear.
I shivered because I most certainly was his and I loved hearing him say that
aloud. I watched him smirk in satisfaction, as the lady handed him the little
E for inspection and then offered to change it for me behind the counter. He
leaned on the case with his chin in his hand, gaping at me holding my shirt
up, while deliberately licking his lips to get me riled up. "I hate you," I
mouthed.
"I love you," he mouthed back with a smile. I looked down and grinned,
happier than I had ever been in a long, long time. My heart was soaring and
it was a feeling that I never wanted to lose or forget as long as I lived.
Of course, he would not let me pay, simply saying, "My initial, my money."
Once my E was in place and glittering perfectly over the top of my jeans, we
were about to head off to Maggie's salon when Edward pointed to the glass
display case tapping his finger on the surface.
"B, look at this," he said. Without having us request, the lady slid out a tray
of silver rings, laying the velvet case on the glass.
He put the little double ring on the tip of his finger showing it to me.
"These are purity rings, aren't they pretty?" she said.
"Purity rings?" Edward and I both asked simultaneously, questioning her,
though the sentiment made total sense when she explained. It was actually
two rings interlinked into each other. One was black, the other silver.
Inscribed into the surface were the words, True Love Will Wait.
"Well, sometimes they're referred to as Abstinence Rings. It's a token of
promise to one another that you'll wait until you get married to um…have
relations." She whispered the word like it was illegal. "They are also used as
commitment rings for before you get engaged, but…" She raised an eyebrow
at us, sort of insinuating that neither the waiting for the sex nor the
impending engagement were something that we would be interested in. I
thought to myself just because he looks like sex on legs doesn't mean
anything, lady. Remember the old, 'don't judge a book by its cover', bullshit?
Well, that was my life. My boyfriend looked like the Kamasutra on the
outside but read like The Velveteen Rabbit on the inside.
Clearing her throat she added, "Even comes with a purity pledge certificate."
She placed this ornate ecru sheet of paper that resembled a diploma, only it
had religious sentiments and a promise to wait until God said it was time and
some other dribble.
Edward took one look at it, dismissively sliding it back toward her
mumbling, "Yeah, we're not going to need that. I've got enough paperwork
with my promise to abstain, I don't need this religious shit too." He looked at
me softly as he fingered the ring, the metal links clinking together.
"What do you think?" he said softly, as the lady took the hint to give us some
privacy and busied herself with something behind the counter. "It has an
entirely different meaning for us, but it might help keep the nosy fuckers at
school from asking why we don't kiss and shit. Plus…I like knowing that we
have something that represents… our feelings." He smiled sweetly while
shrugging his shoulders.
"I love it," I said truthfully, wanting very much to wear Edward's ring. He
tried one on his left hand holding it out to inspect. I did the same with mine
wishing my nails had looked less ragged. We removed the rings to pay and
let the lady clean them at her insistence. Once that was taken care of, she
wrapped the rings up in a pretty box and told us that the ritual was to place
them on one another's fingers to seal the promise.
Only a few minutes later, we were at E-Clips, hugging Maggie and being
loudly introduced to her staff. Edward was doing an excellent job earning his
nickname, as the entire salon personnel smirked and blushed in his presence.
I rolled my eyes at Maggie, proudly shaking my head.
Yes, bitches he's mine. Claws off.
I think I may have made a cat growling sound to myself, or maybe it was a
hiss. Whatever. It may have been slightly louder than I thought.
Edward turned and smirked at me. "Have them trim your claws while you're
here, Beautiful." Then he winked. He had to that stop winking shit…too
damn sexy.
While Edward had his hair washed and cut, I got another manicure, and then
I was whisked away to the back where there was a whole area for massages
and facials. I met with Siobhan, a very petite Irish looking girl who escorted
me through doors where I was instructed to disrobe and lay on the padded
table.
She came in shortly after, turning on some new age music with a waterfall in
the background that made me want to pee. Siobhan was very gentile and soft
with her hands, and though I enjoyed the treatment very much, all I could
think about was having to use the bathroom. When I was finally done and
feeling absolutely lovely and like jelly, I used the bathroom and was then
moved to the aesthetician's room where I received a facial that was
absolutely divine.
I tried to tip her but she declined saying it was already taken care of by Mr.
Cullen. Ha, Mr. Cullen…that shit cracked me up. I found Edward in one of
the private rooms in the back with his jeans rolled up to his knees and his
feet soaking in a tub. Leaning against the doorframe, I observed for a minute
watching as he sunk back into the vibrating seat, eyes closed while the girl
massaged the balls of his feet up to his calves. Every now and then, he
would hiss or emit a little moan in pleasure.
I probably should have been weirded out by all of it- jealous of the touching
that gave way to moans that weren't a result of anything I had personally
done as well as the all beautification rituals that were not exactly masculine,
but this was Edward- take it or leave it. He liked things neat and perfect and
that included his appearance. However if he asked to go to Victoria's Secret
specifically so that he could try on undergarments, well, that I would have a
problem with.
I cleared my throat. He opened one eye at the sound and he half smirked,
half scowled, rolled his eyes and shook his head all at once. His haircut
looked awesome though the skin around his eyebrows was bright red, as he
had obviously had them waxed. They weren't perfect though, which I liked-
just trimmed enough to look natural and not overly done.
I just jumped into the seat next to him, sprawling out to emphasize how
relaxed and loose I was. He laughed at me while his nail technician
instructed him to put his feet in and out of the tub when she needed him to.
While Edward quietly obeyed, I witched rapt in fascination. She mentioned
to him how nice his feet were, and I agreed aloud.
He had perfect feet. I mean, literally perfect feet. They were man feet, long
toes and weird tendons and stuff, but his toenails were perfect and he didn't
have calluses or yellow toenails or anything gross covering his feet. I
shouldn't have expected anything less than perfection from him, anyway.
I asked him to hold out his hands and he smirked again while I fussed over
his perfect manicure wanting to hold them in my own. He asked to see mine
and as I held my hand out next to his, I noticed how small mine were next to
his. No wonder I felt so protected in the rare moments that he had held my
hand.
He finished up, declining the clear polish that was offered to him to go au
naturale. "I swear to God, Bella if you tell anyone about this, I will break
into your house and throw out all your shoes," was all he said.
"You wouldn't dare!" I screeched in mock horror throwing my hand over my
heart. "You have an awful lot of secrets to keep, E. It's getting to be a bit
much to remember what I can and can't say," I joked, though it was partially
true.
"Yeah, try being me," he mumbled, effectively shutting me up.
Once we got in the car, he took the rings from their adjoined box, dropping
his in the palm of my open hand while he held mine in his pretty fingers.
Under the dim yellow lights of the parking lot, Edward quietly slipped the
small ring onto my finger before placing a very sweet, very gentile almost
non existent kiss over it. My stomach fluttered at the contact, and my mind
spun at the idea of the silent commitment we were making to each other. We
weren't promising marriage or lifelong devotion to each other, just a promise
to wait for each other until he became free to do otherwise. I slid Edward's
ring on his long beautiful finger, giving him the same kiss on his jewelry. No
words or elaborate declarations were needed.
And then, we sort of stared at each other reverently for a minute or so,
before Edward traced his thumb around the outline of my lips. They parted
almost involuntarily as the softness of his fingertip against my lips and the
proximity of his own mouth mixed with the scent of his cologne entirely
overwhelming all of my senses. I felt that coiling gush in my belly, wanting
his hands on me and his tongue in my mouth so desperately it was painful.
He sighed a very shaky breath, whispering, "So beautiful," and then
suddenly our lips were so close…
"Edward…" I whispered, my heart racing in my chest and my stomach flip
flopping, knowing that he was going to kiss me. As soon as his lips met
mine, my hand touched the side of his face, softly brushing his skin in trails
down his jaw. I reined in the sudden, primal desire to pull him to me, to
devour his face in wet hard kisses.
Edward's fingers laced in my hair, cradling the back of my head as his thumb
rubbed gently over my cheekbone. He placed two soft, slow chaste kisses on
my lips before his mouth opened slightly, moving with mine. My tongue
swept his bottom lip, which was an invitation for him to gently suck my
bottom lip into his mouth while I took his top lip in mine. Edward's
breathing sped up. He moaned into my mouth, pushing his tongue slightly
into my mouth at the same time as his palm firmed on my head. And then
before it could intensify, Edward closed his eyes, pulling away from me. He
placed his hand over his mouth, almost as if he was surprised at himself.
Then he shook his head, starting the ignition of the car and backed out of the
spot. He didn't look at me while he drove, just staring straight ahead. I was
kind of hurt by his sudden chill after the warmth of our ring exchange and
our first real kiss. To my surprise, he fished in his pocket, finding his
cigarette pack and pulling one out. He offered it to me but I declined with
my eyebrows furrowed. Edward never, ever smoked in his car…ever.
I finally worked up the nerve to ask him, "E…are you okay?"
"We shouldn't have done that…the kiss I mean." He shook his head,
pinching his bottom lip in between his fingers. "I… fuck!" he slammed his
fist against the steering wheel, making me jump in my seat. Some of the ash
on the end of his cigarette spilled onto the center console, but I had it
cleaned up before he even noticed.
I looked up at him, seething in his seat. The whole day filled with rapid
mood swings left me feeling exhausted and afraid. "What's wrong, Edward?"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said softly, giving me a pleading glance. He
reached his hand out to me tentatively but then brought his hand back to the
steering wheel.
"Edward? Please talk to me. You're scaring me."
He bit his lip absently, turning onto the highway. "Bella… I feel like I'm
losing my mind here. All I want to do is be with you, in every sense of the
word and knowing that touching you is wrong when it isn't anything but
right is so fucked. I need to fucking kiss you and hold you in my arms for
real, Bella. Not this half- assed shit, not this sweet barely caressing shit that
fucking ten year olds do. I want to love you. I want to make love to you and
show you how much you mean to me." He was so upset now that his hand
was shaking. Edward's jaw was tight and his chin was quivering. I thought
he might cry again.
"I… I fucking hate Charlotte for this." His sweet voice became strangely
dark with an eerie undertone. "There are days when I want to rip that bitch's
throat out for doing this to me and I wish horrible things on her and then I
feel like shit because who the hell knows if she's even okay. I don't even
know if she's okay," he repeated softly, his voice trailing off.
I didn't speak a word because I knew there was nothing I could possibly say
or do to alleviate what he was feeling. I just needed to be there and listen to
him, while allowing him to vent, even if it was freaking me the hell out the
way he was doing it. I found it odd that he had any kind of concern for
Charlotte after what she had done, and then I realized that this was a true
testament to Edward's character. She ruined his life, but the part of him that
didn't die with Eddie Masen still cared that Charlotte was being abused by
her boyfriend and he worried about her safety.
I, on the other hand felt no compassion for her…none…zero.
After Edward had calmed down, things were quietly awkward and the air
was charged with a weird static. Edward turned on his iPod and we listened
to music for a little while before he suddenly turned the music off and said
completely out of nowhere, "I have another secret, B, that no one…I mean
no one knows." He looked at me briefly as the highway lights pulsed flickers
of illumination into the car.
He turned his face back to the road and in a very soft voice, he said, "I
have…a sister."
"What? You have a sister?" I asked in disbelief, thinking I may have
misinterpreted what he said.
He nodded. "Remember how I told you I got involved with drugs once I
started that stupid boy's academy? Well, one day before school a bunch of
got really high. I was just having a bad fucking week and I don't know why,
but I went kind of nuts and I borrowed my dad's car…"
"Borrowed?" I asked.
"I fucking stole that shit right out of the garage and he was pissed."
"His Mercedes?" I asked, as if it mattered what car he stole.
"Uh…no, the Porsche." My eyes widened in understanding as to why no one
was allowed to use the car. Edward had mentioned that his dad owned one,
but it was off limits to the boys.
"I started to drive, having no idea where the fuck I was going…I just drove
for hours and hours until I was in near New York, only stopping to piss and
do another bump. And then, still being high and shit, I headed into
Manhattan." Edward glanced at me occasionally, seeming much more
relaxed while telling the story than he had been most of the day.
"Wow," I responded, gaping at him. "You drove into Manhattan in a
Porsche...high on coke? Are you fucking insane?" I screeched, realizing that
he may have been just that.
"Yeah, I didn't say it was the smartest thing I had ever done. But, I uh…
knew where my biological father's work address was from the return address
on the child support checks. So I fucking…went inside his building and
asked to see him. I had no idea what the hell I was even going to say to him,
and before that I had no actual desire to meet him really, but…"
My attention was captivated with Edward's words. I tried to visualize the
whole thing in my head as he told it, not quite able to form the imagery of
him being strung out on drugs.
"Do you know I waited eight hours…eight fucking hours in the lobby and
the bastard wouldn't come down? The receptionist kept making excuses that
he was involved in important meetings and shit, but I knew it was just
because he wanted nothing to do with me. Finally, I had enough of waiting
and I left and when I got back to the car, I realized that I had left my phone
in the lobby. So when I went back, I saw him leaving the building. I knew it
was him, cause it was like…looking in a fucking mirror twenty years from
now. Oh, and just so you know, he's damn good looking too. This… woman
met him out front. I assume she was his wife because she was with this little
girl, maybe like, two years old went running up to him and called him
'Daddy.' She looked just like him...just like mewhen I was little, only she had
these little…" Edward made circles by his ears with his fingers.
"Pigtails?"
"Yeah, pigtails. She was so fucking cute and little, you know? The way she
giggled…" he smiled at the memory.
I gasped loudly. Edward had a blood sibling that he told no one about. "Not
even your mom knows?"
"Hell no! Especially not her. I think it would fucking kill her to know that he
had a family after completely rejecting her and me. I've been keeping it a
secret."
"Edward, do you think maybe you would want to like, contact her someday
when she's older?" I imagined Edward pushing a little girl on the swing set
and sitting in our tree house with a little tea set.
"Yeah, I mean… I would love to, but who knows if he'll even let her see me.
I bet his wife or whatever that chick is to him doesn't even know I exist. She
was really young too, like maybe early twenties…and hot. Definitely a
trophy wife." He snickered shaking his head. "I just think it's shitty that if he
doesn't want to have anything to do with me that's one thing, but her…she's
my blood. She should have that option, you know?"
I nodded. "Well, maybe when she's older, you can find her."
"Yeah, well even if I was to meet her now, I couldn't even give her a fucking
hug," he said softly. "So, maybe it's better off." Edward looked at me with a
small smile. "I just wanted you to know."
I nodded again, still flustered and overwhelmed and confused by the entire
day. Seriously, could this boy's life get any more complicated?
~%~
By Monday, Edward's behavior and mood swings had leveled off back to
normal, if one could consider his usual state of brooding as typical. I
wondered if it had to do with the fact that he hadn't smoked cigarettes or pot,
or had any alcohol all week because he had been sick and that maybe the
withdrawal was messing with his moods. It had to be something because that
shit was just weird.
He met me after second period, walking me to Spanish, where Emmett
playfully jumped on his back and tried to give him a purple nurple. Edward
hissed as Em twisted his nipple in his fingers, and then Edward grabbed
Emmett in a choke hold, hiking up his underwear. I rolled my eyes at them
and snuck into the classroom before Senorita Carmen shooed Edward away.
Once in class, Senorita Carmen in her lovely floral tent, turned to us and
said, "Los estudiantes, encuentran por favor a un socio y traducen la
conversación de sus libros."
Emmett leaned over to me and whispered, "The fuck did she just say?"
Somehow, from my first day to the current, Emmett had migrated over to my
side of the room, ending up right in the desk next to me.
"She said to find a partner and translate the conversation in our book," I
replied, shimmying my desk so that it was facing Emmett's. "Em, you are so
smart, why are you like a total spaz with foreign language?" I asked
brazenly.
"I have no fucking clue, Tink. I am in advanced calculus but I'm the only
fucking senior in this stupid class. And it's the second time I'm taking it," he
scowled. Senorita Carmen gave us an evil glare cuing us to open our books.
He smiled brightly. In an over enunciated Latin accent he trilled, "Libra."
"Virgo?" I responded, having no idea what the hell he was referring to.
He rolled his eyes tapping his text. "No el booko…esta libra!" he beamed
proudly.
"Libro, Emmett," I corrected with a sad smile, patting the top of his hand
patronizing him. He pouted.
"Listen, I have a question, Em." Ity was the second time I was revealing
information to someone about Edward without his knowledge. It felt like
such a betrayal, but I had to know for his own good. "Has Edward ever…
been moody and like…erratic?"
"Tink, my baby bro is always moody. But erratic? How so?"
Senorita Carmen passed our desks. ""Tengo gusto de comer el pollo para la
cena," I said aloud, telling him I liked to eat chicken for dinner.
Emmett replied, "Si."
In a whisper, I explained about the day in Seattle and the strange spending,
the weird way he was with the waiter, how quiet he was and then how vastly
different his personality was after he came out of the court. The only thing I
didn't reveal was the thing about him seeing his father. Emmett looked
perplexed.
Senorita Carmen passed our desks again and I said loudly, "Las cebollas son
sanas y deliciosas," telling him the onions on the chicken were delicious.
Emmett responded ,"Si…uh los burros son muy sabrosos con queso."
Senorita Carmen rolled her eyes at Emmett and shook her head as she
walked away.
"What's her problem?" he asked furrowing his eyebrows.
"You just said, 'Yes, the donkeys are tasty with cheese.'"
Emmett shrugged as he leaned close to me whispering, "The last time he was
like that was when he was using. You think he was high?" His eyes
definitely held concern for his brother.
"No, he was definitely not high…just off. It made me a little nervous to be
truthful. But I feel like I am betraying him by mentioning this to you, but it's
just because I am worried."
"I don't know, Tink. Maybe this shit has finally made him crack, you know?
Maybe he's losing it. I should say something to my dad, right?"
As Senorita Carmen made her circuit back our way, I said, "Después de que
comamos, debemos ir a las películas. No, don't do that…he'll know I said
something. He'll feel like he can't trust me and right now, I need him to trust
me."
Emmett nodded, smiling at Senior Carmen. "Tengo gusto de mis burros
calientes y mojadas." Emmett sounded like the guy from the Scarface movie.
She looked at me and then tapped her finger irritatedly on Emmett's book,
practically growling.
"Senior Cullen , tu necesita estudiar, para el amor de dios!" She yelled,
telling him he needed to study, for the love of god.
"What?" Emmett whined.
"You like your donkey's hot and wet?" I raised my eyebrow at him. "I am
sooo telling Rose."
"I have a lot of Spanish porn. I don't know. Well, let me know if he gets
weird again, I'll talk to him."
But fortunately, Edward didn't have a relapse of his odd behavior. Another
week passed uneventfully, with only one brief incident of touching between
he and I, and it was a complete accident. All the mutual masturbation had
stopped, all the little brushes and sneaks of caresses had halted completely,
to my sheer and utter dismay. I missed it terribly but I didn't ask about it,
hoping it was just Edward being overly cautious after his little episode in the
car. I thought maybe the brief moments were too tempting and it was easier
for him to hold back completely. Either way, I understood to some degree,
but I hated it just the same.
I lived each day petrified that for whatever his reasoning, Edward would
change his mind about the way he felt about me, even though he told me and
showed me quite thoroughly in every way he could. I hated feeling so
insecure, but not having the physical part of our relationship sometimes
made us seem like nothing more than very close friends. And that's not what
I wanted from him. I wanted to be friends yes, but first and foremost, I
wanted him to keep loving me and sometimes…a lot of the time…it was
extremely difficult to feel like we were a couple because of the lack of
physical intimacy.
Our friends were considerate, keeping their hands to themselves while they
were around us, as to not cause unnecessary envy or discomfort for Edward
and I. But as Emmett and Rosalie's relationship was finally consummated
(they fucked like rabbits) and with Alice and Jasper constantly making out
(Alice's face was in a constant state of red and raw from Jasper's stubble), I
couldn't help but feel even more jealous and disconsolate than ever. I
honestly didn't know how I would be able to hold on for another twenty two
months without touching or being touched by Edward. It was excruciating,
but bearable for the time being.
Every single night when I said my prayers, I asked God for a miracle to help
Edward, but nothing came. We wore our rings, and wrote love notes back
and forth about what we wanted to do to each other both sexually and non-
sexually, and we spent every waking moment with each other. But…
sometimes it felt as though it wasn't quite enough for me, that it might just
be too hard, harder than I was able to handle, and I hated that because that
was the ultimate betrayal to Edward and the promise that I had made.
I wouldn't ever cheat on him, I just didn't know if my heart and my body
could take the absence of what I physically needed. So I continued to hold
on… to everything but Edwards' hand.
One afternoon, a week before Thanksgiving, the boys and I had gotten high
freezing our asses off out by the river, because the tree house was too small
for us all to fit in comfortably. Overcome with the munchies, we went into
the Cullen's to look for some snacks, though no one expected to find
anything of quality in that house. While we scoured the pantry for something
not entirely disgusting to eat, Emmett let out this gut wrenching cry as he
stood staring at his mother's abandoned laptop screen sitting at the kitchen
table.
Emmett turned to us with tears in his eyes. "Nooooooooo!" he yelled,
growling from deep inside his preservative free belly.
"Is she fucking serious?" Edward asked, in complete disbelief. "This is a
joke…it's got to be a joke."
Jasper slammed his fist on the counter. "No way, man…this is just wrong.
We should call Child Protective Services on her because this is just cruel
treatment and downright neglect! I need my fucking Thanksgiving turkey!"
Hovering warily over Emmett's shoulder, we all looked at what he was
looking at on the laptop screen... just a simple picture of a cooked turkey
surrounded by potatoes and carrots, tastefully arranged on a platter.
However, upon further inspection at the recipe site, it wasn't an actual
turkey, but a Tofurkey.
A giant turkey shaped- turkey flavored turkey made entirely out of molded
tofu.
The boys were suddenly so forlorn and angry, I slipped out of the room, to
call my father while they ranted and Emmett sobbed. I knew I couldn't allow
them to be tortured like this…especially Edward who had so few real
pleasures in his life. It was a sin to deny him a simple thing like a proper
turkey.
We hadn't discussed any plans because he and my mom and I usually went
out to eat on Thanksgiving when we lived here, so I assumed it would be the
same this year. Upon confirmation that Charlie was planning to go to a
restaurant, I asked him if he would mind having dinner at our house instead.
He quickly conferred with Maggie, which I thought it was odd that he was
on a scout and she was with him in his car, but she agreed to make the turkey
and I would attempt the rest.
So when I announced that they could all come to my house this year,
Edward gave me the warmest smile I had ever seen grace his face, and
Emmett literally sunk down to the floor praising baby Jesus at my feet for
saving Thanksgiving from the evil Esmom. Shortly after, she and Carlisle
arrived home and the boys bombarded her with the fact that they were
coming to my house whether she liked it or not. I stood in the corner of the
room wincing as the yelling commenced, while Carlisle looked as if he
could hardly contain himself.
Finally, Esme relented, smirking at me as the three boys and one fully grown
man whooped and danced around the kitchen as though they had won a trip
to the moon.
"Fine, but you'll let me help with dessert?" She stated, rather than asked. I
nodded, smiling away at the happiness I had created for my other family- the
brothers I had always wanted.
I couldn't give Edward much, but the little things- the important things I
could do for him, I would carry out with as much enthusiasm and effort as I
could manage. And so it was, that I was having my first holiday with the
Cullen's, my first holiday with Edward…
And I was so, so nervous and angst ridden because I had no fucking idea
what the hell I was doing regarding cooking an enormous dinner for eight
people… or anything else in my life for that matter.
~%~

Edward explains his crazies and Thanksgiving at the Swan's is up next.

It may be a little late due to the fact that it is New Moon weekend, and
my beta, Suzy and I will be meeting for the first time as she flies to New
York with her stun gun and duct tape so we can stalk Rob in Manhattan
together.
Project Leave Rob Alone is dead.
Have a great week, girls.
Xoxoxo
EBT

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Thank you so much to Becca for your quick beta'ing skills, and to Suzy
for your genius and your humor. I miss you!!!
Okay, so no Rob sightings while in NYC…he was Downtown, we were
Midtown. Sigh. We did get free Cullen Crest key chains and New Moon
posters in Toys R Us at the Volturi Chair and Jacob's motorcycle
display. Totally not the same thing, but it's okay. Did we all love New
Moon? I thought it was amazing, up until, the part where the frigging
fire alarm goes off right as Jake climbs into Bella's window, and we
were forced to stand outside in the cold for an hour and a half waiting
for the smoking firemen (and by smoking I mean like jumping off the
trucks with cigarettes in their mouths, not as in smoking hot) to come do
whatever to the fake fire, while listening to 12 year old Team Jacob
freaks whine…fun timez.
~High Anxiety~
Chapter 21~ Thankful for Happiness
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be
So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy
Leona Lewis~ Happy
~Edward~
Tuesday.
Dr. Kate greeted me with the standard, "Good afternoon, Edward. How are
things going?" to which I replied my usual, "Fine thanks, and you?" I smiled
meekly, placating her enough that maybe I could get by without having to
reveal anything deep within my mess of a fucking head... or at least stall for
a few more seconds.
But who was I kidding there? I wasn't fine…things weren't going fine.
Nothing was fucking fine.
Three days prior to the session I felt like I was losing my mind, and I was
since putting on quite the theatrics for Bella's sake, because I knew I scared
the shit out of her. However, I was falling apart on the inside. The mood
swings, the persistent anxiety that refused to culminate into an actual panic
attack, but just linger enough to be a constant presence, the feelings of
sadness and then sudden elation...
I was fucking scared.
Sometimes I could feel my heart suddenly begin to race and my palms
sweating for no reason, which I knew was simple anxiety. But it was the
irritability and the mood swings that were taking a toll on everyone. And the
…melancholy … the feeling glum and shitty all the time. The only time I
smiled or laughed was when I was in Bella's presence- and even then, just
the sight of her made my heart hurt infinitely more because it was like
rubbing it in my face that I couldn't fucking have her.
It was exhausting to be me some days.
It was the moment that I'd kissed Bella after we exchanged rings…short and
sweet and insanely beautiful… that I realized something was truly wrong. I
guess you could call it my Aaa-haa moment.
God, it felt so damn good to have my mouth on hers…just the minimal and
brief contact between us was better than anything I had ever felt before. But
I was stupid, driven by my hormones and my immense affection for her, and
getting careless… kissing Bella in a parking lot where there were an
abundance of surveillance cameras and plenty of people walking by who
could have easily witnessed the seemingly innocent exchange.
The worst part was that when I kissed her, feelings that I had never had
before came bursting to the surface, making me feel as though I had been
slapped in the face with lust and desire and …so much fucking love I didn't
know what to do with it. It was akin to something primal…as though I
needed to grab her and devour her right there in order to breathe, to survive.
And with that came the regret and fear and total and complete despair
barreling down at me full speed.
She flinched when I freaked out on her. Actually flinched as though I would
ever… in any circumstance, hurt her.. Well, physically, that is. There was no
doubt that this was taking a toll on her emotionally, whether I chose to admit
it or not. It was inevitable that she would be feeling confused and
overwrought with physical ache for something she was forbidden to attain.
Something so close, yet so far and I was fucking teasing her with it, dangling
it in her face, taunting her.
Jesus Christ… I fucking scared her.
If I wasn't getting help for my sake then it had to be for hers. I couldn't live
my life thinking that she was ever afraid of me. Not only was that
completely unacceptable, but simply not an option that I could fathom.
It was then that I decided what I was doing to her was completely unfair. By
giving Bella little bits of access to the physical side of our relationship,
innocent little tastes of affection, I was essentially teasing her. What little
that I could offer, she would take it hungrily, greedily almost- no matter what
it was. I was no better than a neighborhood dealer giving out free weed
samples to entice the next person to buy it. I was her dealer and she was my
junkie. Or maybe it was the other way around. Bella offered me something I
couldn't buy no matter how much money I had and I was using her kindness
and innocence like an ATM machine with no transaction fees.
Even at the Halloween party, she faced herself legs open and naked into a
mirror, allowing me visual access to a part of her that should probably have
been kept private …for when she was really ready to expose herself that way
to me. Not that I was saying I forced her or anything, because she was more
than willing, but the fact that I had asked, and she didn't bat an eyelash to
please me or oblige my request, made me feel like shit in hindsight. She was
trying to give me whatever she could as well, and maybe that wasn't right at
all. The only thing that came to mind was an amusing thought about her
sacrificing herself at the alter of The Church of Latter-day Fucked-up-ness.
But it was the phone call I had made Sunday night that forced the reality of
my past upon me, and the stark realism of my present.
The band we were listening to in the car, New Moon, was going to be
playing in a club in Seattle in a few weeks. Bella really liked them so I
wanted to get us tickets to the concert. The problem was that because of the
venue, ID for twenty-one was required. So, I called an old friend from the
Caius School for Wealthy Delinquent and Incredibly Naughty Boys,
knowing he had expertise in fake ID's.
I cringed when I greeted him, "Hey Seth, it's um…Eddie Masen," because he
wouldn't know me by any other name. The greetings were the usual when
dealing with an old acquaintance: "Hey man, what's going on? How's
everything going? What have you been up to? And the replies were just the
same: "Same shit, everything is okay, been up to the same old stuff."
What I really felt like saying was, "Same shit just a bigger dog," but really
didn't feel like getting into the particular shittiness with him.
And so when the formalities were over, Seth asked what he could do for me,
obviously knowing my call wasn't one of simple catching up. With his
expertise being in forgery, I told him I needed an ID for a friend. I emailed
over a copy of Bella's driver's license, which I swiped from her purse that
evening unbeknownst to her.
When he opened the document, his first reaction was to tell me emphatically
that she was fucking hot, and then to ask if she was she my girl. I just
laughed and replied that she was just a friend. I didn't need him spreading
the word that he had touched base with the elusive Eddie Masen who
disappeared out of sight from Chicago with not one departing greeting to a
fucking soul and I was hooking up, or even associated with a fuckhot girl in
my new residence across country.
Not a good idea at all.
Not that it was intelligent for me to have been procuring a fake ID for my
pseudo girlfriend…but, fuck, I mean, what was even left?
But it was then that he said, "Hey dude, did you hear about Liam Randall?"
Liam Randall was one of the other two guys who had gotten a similar
sentence to mine. Only in Liam's case, when he was sixteen, was caught
with a thirteen year old girl and even though it was consensual, it was
considered statutory rape in which he received a no- contact order as well.
"Liam was caught with that girl he got the no- contact order because of…
and he was sentenced to two years house arrest. Didn't even fuck her...just
kissed her and her parents called the fucking police and now the poor shit is
only allowed to leave the house to go to school. Some fucking life that is.
But it's better than jail, right?"
I swallowed hard and muttered, "Uh yeah…right."
"Oh, and his girl…she got like fifty hours of community service slapped on
her for aiding and abetting or some shit. Hope that fucker was worth it."
I slipped two carefully wrapped one hundred dollar bills in an envelope
addressed to Seth for the ID. The fucker actually accepted PayPal, but I
didn't want a paper trail leading me to the purchase.
Then the harshness of the words sunk in deeply and I knew what he had told
me was the nail in the coffin.
Not only could touching Bella incriminate me, but her as well, and I was not
having her involved or punished as a result of the complications of my shit.
Therefore, I decided that minute, I had to cease all contact cold turkey. And
little did I know at the time, but it was similar to going through a form of
withdrawal. The ache, the longing, the constant unrelenting thoughts that
invaded my brain about how easily it would be to just pull her into my bed
and take whatever it was we both needed to get a fix… a kiss, a hug…
anything. But I stopped it. Though to be fair I probably should have told her
why, that it wasn't anything she did or that it wasn't any lacking in desire for
her…it was that I was scared shitless for the both of our futures.
It had only been two days, and I was missing her so much, even while she
was right next to me the whole time.
So it was, that I found myself seated in the left chair in front of Dr. Kate's
desk, wondering how I could explain all of this to her without having to
reveal anything sordid. My thumb slid over the indentations in the
inscription of the ring absently, thinking about Bella.
I took a deep breath, exhaling it out slowly, while I watched Dr. Kate prop
her pad on her lap in anticipation of me offering her the goods. "I've been
feeling kind of ...off, for lack of a better term." I was nervous in admitting
this to her, hoping that she wasn't going to interpret this confession as me
admitting to the traits of a psycho serial killer. I was putting blind faith into
this affirmation, not really knowing where else to turn.
"Off? How so?" she asked with curiosity as she cocked her head to one side,
examining me.
I shook my head. "I've been having these…mood swings, and a lot of
irritability…like everything pisses me off …even stupid stuff that shouldn't.
And I feel like…down a lot too."
"Well, that's certainly understandable, considering all of the stress you are
under because of your circumstances. Let me ask you…do you feel anxious
at all?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I do. I haven't had an actual panic attack, but I am really
jittery and like…edgy a lot more than usual." A spot on the desk that had
obviously been scuffed by the frequency of shoes scraping against it caught
my gaze. I had the sudden urge to buff out the scuff marks.
"And you said you feel sadness on top of all these symptoms as well?" she
asked, shifting her legs to the side.
"Yeah, sometimes."
She scribbled in her pad furiously. Without looking up, as asked, "What
triggers the sadness? Is it something specific or do you feel that the
occasions are random?"
"It's mostly being around Bella, which ironically is one of the few things that
truly brings me happiness. It's like a weird catch-22, you know? I can't wait
to be with her, but not being able to …be with her just reminds me of how
shitty things are."
Dr. Kate pursed her lips. "When was the last time you felt off?"
"Um, Saturday was like…the worst it's ever been. I was really high one
minute and then very down and anxious the next. It was confusing, really."
She nodded, biting her lip. "Was there any particular event Saturday that
generated these elevated feelings?"
"Uh, well I had to see my truancy officer, so I was really nervous about that.
It's stupid, I know, because he always asks me the same things and its not a
big deal, but I think maybe being in the court building makes me kind of…
freaked out."
"So that went well, I take it?"
"Uh, yeah. Like I said, it was the same thing as always. He asked me how
school was and what I did outside of school," I responded, to which at the
time when the truancy officer asked, I completely lied out of my ass. "And
the principal of my school gives him a report of my grades and attendance
and general stuff. I found out I was ranked third in my class," I said,
shrugging, knowing that if I actually made some genuine effort, I could be
first.
"That's impressive, Edward. So then what happened?"
"Well, Bella was waiting in the car for me, and we went to eat and then did
some shopping and then we…"
"Shopping?" she asked looking up from her pad perplexed as she
interrupted. "What did you buy if you don't mind my asking?"
"Um, well clothes, a watch, some jewelry for Bella…nothing special," I
replied, knowing that too was a lie. The rings were very special, but I didn't
feel the need to share that with Dr. Kate. That moment was private and
beautiful even though I went and royally fucked it up.
"So no excessive spending then?"
"Uh…" I cringed, wanting to be honest, but entirely fearful of my reply,
because I knew what she was after. "I spent like…um, ten thousand dollars
and then another two on the internet when I got home." I admitted this
hesitantly, recalling that when I got home, I bought Bella the boots she was
desperately trying to not look at with twinkles in her eyes. I purchased her a
matching purse too figuring Christmas was just around the corner and I
wouldn't have to stress over her gift.
Dr. Kate's eyes practically popped out of her head. "Twelve thousand
dollars? Edward, is that normal for you to spend so much in one excursion?"
"Well, no, not usually. I do shop a lot, clothes especially, but after I get out
of court I usually treat myself to something big, because…I don't know, it's
like a reward or something. It makes me feel better, I guess. Why? Is that a
big deal?" It was no secret that I shopped a lot. I liked clothes and material
possessions gave me the feeling of self worth. On top of that, it was
something I was able to control, and with what little I was able to control in
my life, I took it and ran with it.
"Well to be honest, I am concerned about what you are telling me. It sounds
to me that you are exhibiting all the general signs of depression and anxiety."
Dr. Kate's eyes met mine, and they softened, almost as if she felt guilt for
diagnosing me with something I already knew I had to some extent. It wasn't
a big fucking surprise to me or anything. I had looked it up on the internet
and I thought the same thing.
I just nodded my head minutely, torn between the relief that came with
conceding to the facts and not wanting to appear excessively vulnerable in
front of her any more than I had to already. "Well, I'm not suicidal or
anything, but yeah, I would say that I am depressed sometimes and well, you
knew I had anxiety already." God, I hated saying that. It made me feel weak
and small and very insignificant, almost as though I was handing her all of
my control and my power on a silver platter.
She sighed, placing her hand over her mouth in thought.
"I'm not like…bipolar or anything, am I?"
"No, I don't think that you are bipolar. The shopping is excessive, but you
don't appear to be manic, just…acquisitive." Her lips feathered with a slight
smirk. "However, I don't think you should ignore this, Edward, or put it off.
Your legal situation definitely exacerbates these feelings and emotions, and
while therapy can certainly help, it is my opinion that you should being a
medication regimen, at least for a little while. We can start you out on the
Zoloft again, if you feel that worked for you last time." She began to thrum
through her file, probably to look up what I had said about being on the
meds when I first began seeing her.
"I need something different because the Zoloft didn't do much for the
sadness, just the anxiety. I just want to feel …better…normal." I fidgeted
with my hands a little, as I responded quietly.
Dr. Kate pulled out a prescription pad from her desk, and as she began
writing, she said softly, "I'm sure you do." It was almost motherly in tone,
and as much as I felt a certain degree of animosity towards her simply for
what she represented, it was the first time I felt any kind of comfort or relief
from her presence.
I left the office after she reminded me that it was her responsibility to inform
my parents of the prescription and the diagnosis she issued. She also
reminded me that the pills wouldn't likely take effect for approximately two
weeks and that if I needed to talk to her, I should call without hesitation.
With that statement, she handed me a business card with her cell phone
number handwritten on it, which I thought was very kind but really fucking
odd. I considered for a moment that she really must give a shit about me to
give me her cell. In a weird way, I was touched.
I shut the door behind me, heading straight for the pharmacy to have the
script filled. I had about ten minutes to kill, so I perused the aisles of the
drug store aimlessly, until I unknowingly found myself in front of a condom
display. What a fucking joke. I shook my head, disgusted with the fact that I
wouldn't be needing one of those for some time, and thinking about the last
time I had even used one.
My first real sexual experience was memorable, however, less than perfect.
We had been all sunburned from the beach and after Jazz and I showered, we
were laying around the state room shirtless and bored. Tanya and Irina
stopped by unexpectedly, and the next thing I knew, we were beyond shit
faced and Tanya was in my lap with my mouth all over her tits. I barely
knew what I was doing, just concentrating on listening to her moan for cues
to continue. She basically coached me the whole time, whispering softly
what she liked and telling me what to do next because I was so
inexperienced with anything but kissing. Kissing I was good at, but the other
stuff…well, for a ball player, I was embarrassingly green at the bases.
Once my shorts were on the floor, faster than I could even think, she had my
dick in her mouth sucking and moving her hand and lips in sync with each
other…and she really fucking knew what she was doing. She was like a porn
queen and I wondered when and how she became so...educated at sixteen.
Then the feeling of slipping inside of her for the first time and fuck… it was
warm and wet and crazy, while I came after about two seconds. I finally
understood why that dude fucked the apple pie in that movie…it made total
sense now.
I chuckled at how inexperienced I was and how Tanya was so sweet about
the whole thing, making sure the next few times we were together that she
gave me a full education…and extended release condoms.
And she schooled me well. By the time that trip ended, I knew pretty much
everything there was to know about sex…except for going down on her.
That was something I couldn't bring myself to do. Though, had I known then
I would have the privilege of using my newly acquired bedroom skills
abruptly taken away from me, I might have been more enthusiastic of a
student…and taken advantage of the opportunity for intimacy with fervor.
I hadn't thought about being with Tanya since before I had met Bella. Since
she was my first, she was the only real life sexual experience that I had, so I
had used her in my jerking off fantasies.
That is until the day I saw my beautiful girl, Bella, and now Tanya no longer
had any appearances in my fantasies.
Tanya had been such a good friend of mine- before the shit happened and
currently, but having sex with her was probably not the best idea,
considering my parents regarded her family as our own. She was more like a
cousin than just some random girl I had sex with a couple of times….which
if I put enough thought into the idea, was sort of fucking weird. I shuddered
to think about all the Redneck/ incest jokes my sexual past could develop.
After that trip, Jasper developed some intimate feelings for Irina, but with us
living so far away from one another and because of the fact that we were
trying to hide our sexual escapades from our respective parents, a romance
was not reasonable. I had never felt anything for Tanya except friendship,
and then a shit load of lust while I was fucking her...or while she was
fucking me depending on how you looked at it. I made a mental note to drop
her an email when I got in, just to see how she was doing. It had been a
while, and if I was correct, she was the last to initiate communication with
me.
When I got home, I ate dinner with my family and then afterward, my father
asked to speak to me. Expecting to be summoned to his office where all
official business was normally conducted, I was surprised when he asked me
to follow him and mom into the den. I sat down, feeling very odd with the
two of them giving me these looks of pity.
"Am I in trouble?" I asked, wondering what the big fucking deal was.
"No, Edward, Dr. Kate called. She let us know what you discussed today.
Are you… okay with this?" dad asked, sitting across from me on the couch.
My mom had sat next to me, gingerly placing a hand on my knee while
offering a small sympathetic smile. She was concerned.
"She said I was depressed," I shrugged. "I'm going to start taking the
Lexapro tomorrow. It's not a big deal," I replied quietly, hating the way my
mom's hand was patting my knee. Normally I would like that, but this was
about sheer pity and not affection. My thoughts turned to Bella, wondering
what she was doing at that moment. I missed her.
"I'm so proud of you," Mom said, her voice cracking as her eyes welled up
with tears. I bit my lip and stared at her with an eyebrow cocked.
"Uh…why?"
"Because Dr. Kate said you accepted her opinion and her diagnosis, as well
as her suggestion to go on the medication without incident. She said you
didn't put up a fight nor were you hostile. And you were…open, Edward…
talking to her. That's a big accomplishment." My father had a gleam in his
eyes reserved for only the most auspicious occasions.
"Am I hostile? I wasn't aware I was hostile," I muttered, shaking my head in
disbelief.
"This shows remarkable growth, Edward. It shows great maturity and the
obvious acceptance of your emotions is a big step toward healing." I stared
at my father, slightly irritated at his over exaggeration of the situation.
Healing? I didn't even know I was ill. They were making such a big deal out
of it, and it did nothing but annoy me.
"Thanks, I uh…just want to not feel like shit all the time, that's all." My gaze
passed between their dejected expressions. "Can I go now? I have
homework." They looked at each other incredulously, clearly surprised that I
wasn't more enthusiastic and moved over their nonsensical admiration.
The truth was, being the center of attention did nothing but make me feel
stupid. The only time I could really handle being in the spotlight was when I
played baseball, because I knew it was something I was not only successful
at, but earned. But this…this condescending praise and gushing over my
"accomplishments" just made me want to hit them both- especially my
mother with her unnecessary pity tears.
Fucking pity. That was one thing I could definitely do without in my life.
Since when was being depressed an accomplishment?
"Edward…" My mother reached for my arm as I stood to answer my phone.
It was Bella and I was more than done with the conversation with my
parents. I shot her a look that I'm sure she truly didn't deserve as I shrugged
her off to answer the phone, while heading to my room and leaving them
both in my wake.
I debated whether to tell Bella about what the shrink said about actually
having an official label for my questionable behavior, and the fact that I
would be taking antidepressants regularly, but I was sort of ashamed about
it. Even though she was taking them, I felt emasculated admitting I was in
need of help. So, I left that part out for the time being, hoping they would
eventually just take effect and then I could explain simply why my
demeanor had improved.
For the next few weeks, I refrained from any kind of touching with Bella.
She didn't ask about the sudden loss of the gradual contact, and though I felt
bad about doing it without a clarification, I was relieved that I didn't have to
explain. She accepted it for what it was, unfair or not. I was really trying to
come to terms with everything that had happened, and what could happen if
what we were doing had continued. I was also adjusting to the meds kicking
in and thankfully, I felt a definite shift about two and a half weeks into
taking the prescription.
I woke up happier in the mornings and felt myself less moody in general. A
few times, Bella made subtle comments on my sudden cheerful demeanor,
and though I was feeling a million times better, I was still wary about letting
her in on my reason why.
Because of the medication, I began to have these ultra vivid, wildly
animated dreams that sometimes would morph into sexual fantasies in which
all my depraved desires were filled. A few times I even woke up sweaty
and… sticky…necessitating a midnight change of clothes. I wasn't
complaining, because at least I was getting laid in my sleep.
One of the side effects of the antidepressants was a lessening in sexual
appetite, but mine continued to be ravenous regardless. I found that rather
ironic: taking anti depressants in order to make me feel better for not being
able to have sex...then the drugs make it so you can't get hard…only mine
made me more of a horny mother fucker. That shit was fucked up.
A few times, I even resorted to going back to a nightly ritual of watching
Bella undress, knowing that even if she did find out, she would probably
find it somewhat humorous. And yes, I should have told her about that at
some point as well, I just …didn't want her to think less of me for doing it,
just in case she did not infact, find my voyeurism at all amusing.
I was treading on thin water, just trying to make it past the rough tide.
~%~
The day before Thanksgiving, Bella was a nervous wreck. She was trying to
hide it all day at school, but I knew she was anxious even though she
declined my offer to help her with the grocery shopping which was one of
my least favorite things to do. Later on, she sent me a text asking if Jasper
and I could help her with a few things. Unfortunately, when we showed up, I
hadn't considered the fact that she would actually be making us….do shit.
"E… can you peel those potatoes on the table, and Jasper, I need you to
please chop the carrots and celery for the stuffing. Here…knives….cutting
boards…Go!" she yelled, handing us the appropriate equipment and ordering
us to get moving while we just stood there gaping at her. She was the sexiest
little drill sergeant I had ever seen.
"What…you two can't cut?" she asked, looking between the two of us. Her
eyes narrowed. "Oh no…No no no!! You're high? Oh God!" Bella buried her
face in her hands in complete despair. "You two are completely useless
now…shit E. Come on, I really needed your help with this." Bella threw her
towel on the counter and pouted almost at the point of tears. "I don't know
what the hell I am doing and I called my mom but she's no help and
Maggie's working and your mom is…"
"Hey…we can still help," I said softly, walking toward her. I wanted to give
her a reassuring hug, but instead I lifted my hand to tug on a lose hair, but
recanted before I touched her. "Why are you getting all worked up over this?
It's just my family and we're so happy we're not eating Tofurkey that we'd
settle for dog shit on a skewer."
"I know, I know, but I've never done this before and I want it to be nice, E…
I want it to be special. It's our first holiday together." She shook her head,
looking like she was going to cry.
Jasper had started rigorously peeling carrots at the table, so lost in
concentration that his tongue was lolling out of his mouth. He paused the
motion to stare at us and then held up the overly shaved carrot that was now
mangled beyond repair. It wouldn't have even been recognizable if it wasn't
orange.
"Look...I'm helping!" he exclaimed. I would have smacked him in the back
of the head had he not been really fucking proud of his accomplishment. To
Jasper, opening a jar of pickles was the extent of his culinary expertise, so
this was extraordinary in all respects.
Bella chuckled lightly, walking over to Jasper to affectionately pat him on
the head in gratitude and reassurance. I swear if he was a cat I think he
would have meowed. Instead of normally making me jealous and pissed off,
I was actually surprised at how sweet I found the exchange to be. Either I
was getting soft or the meds were working.
While Bella worked at the counter, Jasper and I helped as much as we could,
mangling and deforming enough vegetables to choke a horse. Nevertheless,
Bella said we were indeed helpful.
At one point, I had lost my grip on one of the potatoes I was peeling, which
by the way, looked like a big bowl of rocks by the time I had finished. It
slipped out of my hand and across the floor skidding to its final destination
under the stove. I shrugged my shoulders knowing that I would have to pull
out the stove later on to retrieve the little rogue potato. A few minutes later,
we watched Jasper's deformed carrot fly across the room, and roll to meet
his friend the potato under the stove as well. Jazz and I just looked at each
other not really knowing what to do so still being quite fucking high… we
lost it.
He began a verse of, "On top of spaghetti…all covered with cheese…"
And I chimed in with, "I lost my potato when somebody sneezed…"
We finished out the song we hadn't sang since Kindergarten with unbridled
enthusiasm. Bella's back had been turned so she just turned and glared at us
evilly while mumbling to her giant kitchen knife.
Though she was frenzied, scanning the screen of her laptop placed on the
counter for recipes, and occasionally knocking something over, she was
working well and getting a lot done with our help. I was proud of her for not
freaking out too badly, even when she burned a batch of sautéing onions. I
just stood, took the pan from her and dumped it in the garbage, pulling out
another onion and began to mince or whatever the fuck you call it, while she
just stood there gaping at me.
When my eyes started tearing up from the onion vapors, Jasper came over
and gave me this big shitty hug, patting my back like a douche telling me
everything would be okay. And then I hugged him back, pretending to cry
and declaring, "I love you man!" to him because it was funny and Bella
needed to laugh…which she did. Then I promptly chucked an onion at his
head.
Jasper asked for some "mood music" and no sooner than the potatoes were
cooked and mashed, were we all feeling more relaxed. Bella served us both
juice boxes to drink and those stupid goldfish crackers in a little bowl like
we were fucking five years old, explaining that Charlie had done some
shopping that week. He apparently thought his drop dead gorgeous daughter
who wore stilettos and fingered herself in front of me took a goddamn Hello
Kitty lunch box to third grade everyday.
Eventually, Jasper sobered up by eating half of Bella's pantry, and then left
to get Alice from work. Bella went upstairs to shower, while I cleaned the
kitchen, including removing the little kamikaze veggies from under the
stove. When she came back down, she was dressed in sweats and my Gap
sweatshirt, with wet hair tied into two long braids on either side of her head
and no makeup. I loved her like that, with all her freckles on her nose visible
and looking far less tempting to molest than I would have under any other
circumstances liked.
We went back to my house, where she smoked a little to calm her frazzled
nerves, even though she said something about needing to be on her A- game
for the morning. Girls were fucking weird, but me being the perfectionist
that I was, understood her need to want to get it right. I just wanted to help
her ease the stress, because it was a holiday and it shouldn't have been so
angst ridden for her.
She was lying on my bed singing to music when I plopped down next to her
leaning my chin on my hand.
"I have a present for you," I said grinning.
She smiled, bolted upright and squealed, "What is it?"
I shrugged my shoulders to tease her, which elicited a high pitched shriek
that made me cringe as it pierced my ears. She then stood on the bed and
began to jump on it, yelling, "Tell me! Tell me what it is!" Her braids
bounced up and down as she did and I couldn't help but laugh at her. I
honestly had never seen her so utterly childlike and joyous before. She was
breathtaking.
But in that enjoyment of seeing her so happy, I refused, so she took it up on
herself to run around the room, opening drawers and doors in search of said
gift. She was so fucking cute that I felt compelled to draw it out to see if she
would actually come close to finding the tickets. She uncovered my stash of
Playboy's and Penthouse's in the bottom nightstand drawer, giving me a
questioning glance. I gingerly took the small stack from her from her
without a word, placing it neatly back in its proper spot and shutting the
drawer without any additional discussion.
I love you, but leave my damn porn alone.
Bella continued on to the desk, picking up random items that had nothing to
do with her surprise, but that she found interesting. A tiny snow globe with
snowman parts floating in glittery water from New York, an old first place
ribbon from a spelling bee that I had won in sixth grade (do not laugh at me
fuckers…I was Illinois State champion and damn proud of it too) a two
dollar bill from my grandfather, and a pewter figurine of a sword and a
shield. She held that up with her eyebrows furrowed.
"It's a symbol of strength. Em gave it to me after…" I answered waving my
hand dismissively, laying back down on the bed without explaining further.
She put it back on the shelf and moved across the room to the closet, in
which she whipped the door open with an exaggerated, "Ah ha!"
"Holy shit." Bella stood in the doorway and turned to me. "Holy shit! Are
you kidding me with this? My mom and I lived in smaller apartments than
this closet." I sat up on my elbows watching her with amusement as she
perused the walls lined in all my color coordinated shirts, and the endless
row of jeans and pants. One entire wall was just shoes, neatly arranged in
little cubicles. Another wall was just tee shirts and casual clothes, which
normal people would have simply folded in a drawer or something, but
because I hated wrinkled clothing, I hung everything up. She spent some
time in there looking at everything with awe. I always kept the door shut to
prevent dust settlement, so even after two months of being together she still
hadn't been inside the closet.
"Wow…you are so unbelievably anal….it's actually frightening. I could
move in here, you know. Put a little fridge and some snacks in the corner and
I'm all good."
I chuckled at the thought of Bella actually taking up residence in my walk
in. "Though I would fucking kill to see you in one of my shirts and nothing
else, there's no chance in hell you're living in my closet. You'll get Goldfish
cracker deposits on all of my clothes. Then I'd have to dismember you." She
turned around, scowling and shutting the door after she found no treasure.
Bella dropped to her knees to peer under the bed.
God Damn. Bella on her knees...in front of my bed...
"Not even a frigging dust bunny," she mumbled.
And then she skulked toward the bed slowly, took one of my pillows in her
hands and lunged onto the bed on all fours hovering over me breathless with
wide eyes. The sight of her, panting practically on top of me, had me
suddenly very aroused. She grinned and, throwing her head back in evil
laughter, smothered my face with the pillow.
"Bella, I can't breathe," I said muffled, rolling my eyes under the darkness of
the pillowcase. She lifted up one end of the pillow, peeking to check on me.
"Come on, E. Tell me where my present is...please?" She sat back on her
heels, pouting a bit before pulling the sweatshirt off.
"What are you doing?" I asked in disbelief. She had on a thin white tee-shirt
underneath, which rode up enough that I could see all of her stomach and
part of her pink bra. The little E on her belly ring glinted at me, and I smiled
proud of the claim I had staked on her.
"I'm seducing you into telling me," she whispered, giving me an overtly
sultry look that I would savor until the end of time. Then she rolled her eyes.
"Relax…I'm just sweaty from the scavenger hunt." I had the fireplace going
on full blast when we came in, so the room was definitely toasty now.
"Oh," I replied dumbly. "Um…here." Lifting my hips up off the bed, I pulled
an envelope from my back pocket handing it to her, as I took the offensive
pillow and tucked it under my head. She opened the envelope and looked at
me with a huge smile.
"Oh my God, Yes! This is so cool! When are we going?" Bella flipped the
concert tickets in her hand looking for the date of the show.
"December 5th, it's a Saturday. But listen, it's in Seattle and we're not going
to make it back until really late, so either we stay in a hotel there, or we
drive back afterward. You might want to take the next day off of work
though, and think of an excuse to tell Charlie."
She nodded still grinning widely. "Thank you so much, E... I can't wait."
"Oh here, I almost forgot…you're going to need this too." Slipping my hand
in my back pocket again, I pulled out her new driver's license and smirked.
"No fucking way! I am twenty one? I'm twenty one!" she clapped her hands
in excitement before crashing down next to me. "This is so awesome. Is it an
early Christmas present? Because I don't have anything to give you yet."
"No, no. This is just because I want to see New Moon play live and there's
no one else I would rather go with. I already got your Christmas present
though," I said smirking. But I held my hand up just as she started clapping
and squealing again, ready to launch herself on another gift finding mission.
"It's not here yet, so don't even bother looking, you little freak."
She scowled and grumbled as she lay down next to me again. After a minute
or so, Bella sighed softly, taking her lip in between her teeth. "I've missed
you," she said quietly, brushing the silky tail of her braid on my nose. I
wrinkled my nose at the tickle.
"What do you mean you missed me? I've been right here, baby." I hooked
my thumbs around the loops of my belt, to keep my fingers restrained. It was
far too tempting to be this close to her and not touch or kiss her again,
because it was all I had wanted to do since we had kissed in my car. If I
concentrated hard enough I could still feel her lips against mine, her breath
and the sweetness of her scent all around me as if it were yesterday.
"You suddenly stopped…touching me," she explained, running her pointer
finger absently over the words of her promise ring. "I was sort of wondering
why." Her eyes met mine and I offered her a small smile.
"I shouldn't have done it in the first place," I replied softly, gauging her
reaction. "If we get caught touching, Bella…I can't think about the
consequences without wanting to hurl."
She nodded minutely. "Do you regret it? Kissing me?"
I thought about it for a moment before I answered, "Yes…and no." Bella's
expression crumpled into a dejected scowl. Before she could get emotional, I
clarified, "Yes, because now I know what it's like and it's all I want and it
fucking sucks to not be able to satisfy that incessant urge…to just be with
you the way we want. And no, because it was so goddamn amazing and it
was just a tiny taste of what we will be able to do. It's something to look
forward to…one of many things." I raised my eyebrows suggestively, hoping
that my answers would mollify her enough to get her not to be so upset.
Bella's smile returned, and even though it was only gone a few minutes I had
missed it immensely. "Okay, just as long as it wasn't something I had done.
This is all new to me and you should sort of tell me what's going on in your
head, because I was stressing out over it, thinking you regretted the rings and
your feelings. I'm not a mind reader, after all." "
"Baby, I…love you, and I'm sorry if I scared you." I thought it would be a
good time to segue into telling her about what Seth had told me and about
the fact that I was taking antidepressants, but I got distracted when she rolled
onto her stomach, scooting closer to me.
A mischievous light danced in Bella's eyes…a light that I recognized.
She wanted to play.
Bella licked her lips and brushed the tail end of her long braid back and forth
against my closed mouth, the warmth of her breath washing over my face.
She was closer than I was entirely comfortable with, because it was so easy
to just lean forward minutely to kiss her like this.
She batted her long dark eyelashes like the little innocent vixen that she was.
"So I guess that means we can't even…fool around, without touching? Not
even just a little bitty bit?"
And… there goes my dick.
"Bella…"
"Yes?"
I groaned as she trailed the end of her braid across my forehead, down the
bridge of my nose to my mouth again. Then through her lashes, she gazed up
at me with this half devilish, half demure expression, trailing the braid down
my chin to my neck toward the front of my v -neck shirt. The strands of soft
hair against my skin felt so good, so I closed my eyes allowing her to make
circles on the skin revealed by the small opening in the fabric.
"Do you like this?" she asked softly. I was already hard, wondering why she
even bothered asking. I mean, she could clearly see because of the rock hard
lump in my sweats that I did indeed like it.
A lot.
"Mmmm," I responded with my eyes still closed. "You are such a bad
influence."
She chuckled darkly then sighed. "Take off your shirt."
My lids flew open at the forcefulness of her demanding tone. It was so
unlike Bella. However…this was different.
This was more about control and the fact that she wanted some. And not the
kind of control where she's clad in a patent leather corset and seven inch
heels wielding a flogger demanding that I call her Mistress…not that that
image of her was a bad one by any means, but I digress.
I think it was just her attempt at regaining some semblance of control over
the relationship, because I had taken all of it away from her when I stopped
the touching without explanation.
"Please?" she whispered with all the forcefulness departed from her tone, as
she sensed my trepidation. "I won't touch you skin to skin, and you can say
no, I promise I will understand. I just want to make you feel good, okay?
And I really just…I just want to feel close to you again…" her voice trailed
off, almost giving way to an air of sadness.
I exhaled, internally groaning as I contemplated this offer for a brief
moment. It was a fair assumption to say that she was feeling insecure about
us. That was the last thing I wanted.
The idea of the intensity of my feelings for Bella waning minutely was
absolutely ridiculous to me, but the fact that I was the only one that was
privy to the reasons for my less than convincing behavior…she couldn't
possibly understand from my perspective, and doubt on her behalf was
certainly to be expected. And Bella, my beautiful girl never asked me for a
fucking thing except maybe cutting a few potatoes, so I felt compelled to
appease her. Because after all, it would be outright rude to decline her
request to make me feel good.
Fuck it. Rules are meant to be broken…even the ones I enforce myself.
"Lock the door."
I am so fucked.
Bella smiled, boisterously jumping off the bed to click the lock closed. As I
watched her practically bounce across the room, I thought that any girl who
felt that much excitement just at the idea of pleasing me, would either have
to be nuts about me or just plain insane. Obviously, Bella was kinda sorta
both. And I loved her for that.
I sat up, pulling off my dark green tee shirt and tossed it on the couch.
Bella's eyes were wide, as they traveled the length of my torso, watching the
shirt disappear. Her gaze settled on my nipple ring, as she licked her lips.
"I wanna suck on that so damn badly," she whispered. My dick twitched,
sending a spiral of heat into my groin.
Yeah, well apparently my dick has other plans for your sucking.
I tugged on the ring a little, teasing her before I laced my fingers behind my
head. I was trying to relax as much as possible, but kicking myself for
feeling the slightest sense of regret for allowing this to start again. Making a
silent promise to myself, I swore that if we made any skin to skin contact I
would stop her…or at least I would try my best.
Bella sat on her knees as close as possible to my ribcage without actually
making contact with my body. She hovered, leaving a few inches between
our bodies while bracing her arm on the other side of my ribs. I loved and
hated that she was so damn close to me and that her little form wasn't
writhing on top of me, moaning and whimpering my name.
Bella took the long tail end of the braid, sweeping it ever so lightly across
my collarbone into the hollow at the base of my throat. She shifted slightly,
so that she could sweep the hair down to my nipples, where she spent a
decent amount of time focusing on the piercing. She let out a sweet
frustrated little whimper, sending ripples of desire through me.
"You are so beautiful…it almost hurts to look at you," she whispered. I
smirked, feeling embarrassed but flattered at the same time, as my ears
reddened with flushed heat. And then…she fucking smirked at me…
lowering her head toward my chest…and with her motherfucking talented
tongue, lifted up the silver loop and tugged on it in her teeth.
I let out a hiss as my whole body went into a mini spasm. My cock was so
unbelievably hard and aching to be touched and relieved of the tension that
was slowly building deep inside, begging to be set free. Bella tugged harder
on the ring, making me whimper audibly. I thought for a second that if she
could make my body respond this way without even touching me…what the
fuck would happen when she could?
I swallowed, looking down to watch her. Bella's braids were coiled beneath
her, resting on my chest while she moved the ring back and forth with her
teeth. I had really sensitive nipples, so this was…fucking awesome. If I had
ever considered any type of regret for getting the piercing, I took every
ounce of it back for this one moment alone.
For a second I stared at her incredulously, teasing me with her gifted tongue
and her equally exceptional teeth, wondering how a girl that had barely been
kissed was able to excite me like this with absolutely no contact.
Because, not once did she touch my skin.
The mounting pressure in my cock was beginning to become too much.
"Beautiful…I have to do something here. Do you mind if I…" I pleaded in a
whimper, hoping she wouldn't require any more clarification.
"Of course. Go ahead," she said licking her lips in anticipation. Without any
sort of indignity or awkwardness, I lifted my hips off the bed, tugging my
sweats down, letting my hard on spring forth. Bella sighed heavily as she
stared, closer to my dick than reasonably possible as I felt the warmth of her
breath spread over me. I gripped my cock in my hand, wrapping my fingers
around the shaft to stroke it.
"Beautiful…can you do me a favor? Can you grab the lotion and turn off the
light please."
She crawled across the bed to the nightstand, pulling out her lotion and
clicking off the light. The fireplace left a warm glow which much more
comforting than the table lamp...and less of a fucking spotlight for me to jerk
off in.
With the tube of lotion still in her hand, she situated herself back in the spot
beside me. She leaned forward, bending inches away from my dick…then
centimeters. I stared at her in disbelief thinking she was going to lick it or
something but instead she blew a warm stream of air along the length. I
swear my cock did an actual happy dance in anticipation and then glared at
her for the ultimate let down. I gasped loudly while convulsing slightly as
the sensation ripped though me and caused my shoulders to lift off the bed.
"Oh fuck. Do that again," I begged. It felt so fucking good, so erotic, and
innocent at the same time. Without hesitation, Bella pursed her lips and blew
another stream on my dick, this time moving her face rapidly, so that the air
made a twisted ribbon of warmth along my skin. I groaned aloud in sheer
pleasure, not having anything near my poor neglected dick but my own
fucking hand in like…forever.
She continued the blowing of air, as she added the soft brushing of the end
of her braid to the mix. The sensation of the silky strands against my overly
sensitive skin was too much. This was a whole other version of "blowjob."
"Bella…shit…"
With one eye open, I watched Bella's rapt fascination at being in such close
proximity to my dick. Her eyes were alight with concentration, clearly
wanting to make this pleasurable for me. I wondered if she had either read
about this technique in one of her girlie magazines or if Rose told her to do it
because it didn't seem like something she would just come up with out of the
blue.
Bella sighed as she took the brush of hair, swiping it along my wet slit. I
didn't realize what she was doing until she put the strands to her tongue and
smirked.
She was tasting me.
Bella licked her lips without making eye contact with me, doing the same
motion over the slit, and tasting me again. It was the hottest fucking thing I
had ever seen.
"Bella, baby…" I moaned, urgently needing the release, even though what
she was doing was too good to spoil it with the use of my own hand.
She took the hint, squirting the lotion in a thin line over the length of my
cock. I held my palm out to her, silently asking for a little more. Bella sat
back on her heels as I stroked, rubbing the lotion around the base and the
swollen head adding a few quick strokes in for good measure.
"You have the most beautiful fingers, Edward. I can't wait until they are
inside me," she whispered, so softly, that I almost hard a difficult time
hearing her over the noise from the fireplace. On the other hand, maybe it
was my heavy breathing...maybe...but let me just blame the fireplace.
"Fuck…me too." My hand moved furiously over the skin on my cock, taking
in her words and her voice and the scent of the lotion that was all Bella. My
eyes were shut as I worked it out, trying to match her words with dirty
images of her so that I didn't have to prolong the release. I mean, she was
right there, but I was jerking off and it wasn't something I was particularly
proud of or fond of doing right in front of her.
I whimpered as I felt her body heat suddenly on my cheek. Bella was so
close to my ear, all I needed to do was move slightly and she would be
kissing my cheekbone.
"I can't wait to feel you in my mouth Edward. I dream about sucking you off
and tasting your cum in my mouth and…"
And I'm done.
Her dirty talking words fueled the looming heat in my groin, forcing the
orgasm threefold. As I spurted my junk all over my palm, cursing and
groaning while I emptied out, Bella remained close to my ear, whispering,
"You are so hot when you come and I fucking love you so much it's
disgusting."
As the last of it released, Bella hopped up off the bed, returning from the
bathroom with a wet and dry towel. I took the dry one from her gratefully,
wiping my hand and the spots on my thighs that bore bits of spillage. She
took the other towel, wet and warm, dragging it up my inner thighs to the
shaft of my cock, which was now beginning to deflate. Bella gently wiped
all the traces of foreign moisture away as I watched in fascination…utterly
thankful, completely spent and absolutely fucking starving.
"Baby, where'd that dirty girl come from?" I asked, staring at her
incredulously.
"You didn't like it? Rose and Angela said that guys love dirty talk."
"Uh, fuck yeah I liked it, you couldn't tell by how fast I came? It was so
fucking hot, Baby. Thank you."
"You are very welcome."
She smirked, lying back down on the bed next to me with her eyes shut. She
never actually touched my skin, but I could clearly see how pleased she was
with herself, that she successfully got me off without breaking a single one
of the rules.
This just might work after all.
~%~
That next morning, my mother gathered us all in the kitchen over our
organic spelt pancakes covered in honey, granola, and an abundance of
strawberries.
Emmett had exclaimed, "Why the fuck can't we just have maple syrup? I
mean seriously? Is it going to kill us? Is it?" My mother smacked him in the
back of the head so hard that Emmett sat there stunned in silence as we all
just gaped at him.
"Do you want me to call Bella and cancel, because I can do that? Don't think
that for a second that I won't." She shook her finger at us while she seethed
furiously and threatening us through her gritted teeth. Esmom could be
really fucking scary when she wanted to be. Who would think that a 5 foot
2...125 pound woman could bring my monster of a brother to his knees?
Ignoring our frightened stares and Emmett's pleads, she then informed us all
that we would not only be dressing up to go to Bella's this afternoon, but we
would be grounded if any of us so much as whispered a word of profanity
aloud.
None of argued, but as we left to head upstairs to shower, Em let his
displeasure known. "Awww man…if I dress up then I can't wear my
Thanksgiving pants. Stupid fucking dress pants don't expand. She better be
sending home leftovers."
Jasper whined, "It's only Bella's house. I don't know what the fucking big
deal is."
I huffed. "The fucking big deal is that she worked damn hard on this thing
and you could demonstrate a little gratitude and respect for her efforts by
showing that you give a shit enough to look decent."
They both snickered. "Edward, you are so fucking pussy whipped it's
actually embarrassing."
"Jasper," I said dryly, "pussy whipped is a term for guys who are getting
some actual pussy. I am getting nothing, so shut the fuck up."
I took a courteously short shower, knowing that there were four other people
who needed hot water and I didn't feel like hearing them bitch at me. I
dressed in dark gray cashmere pants, and a black v-neck sweater layered
over a light gray collared shirt. It was dressy enough without screaming
"pussy whipped."
I did the messy faux hawk thing with my hair, because Bella liked it, and
because it toned down the ultra conservativeness of the outfit making me
appear rebellious yet respectful. I knew how much effort she had expended
for this dinner, so I thought it was only proper that I extend the same
courtesy. I also knew that Bella hadn't yet engaged in a discussion with her
father about us having a relationship but it was inevitable, so I needed
Charlie to see that his daughter was dating a good guy…despite the rape
accusations…car theft…drug and alcohol use…mutual masturbation…
voyeurism…acquisition of fake identification…
Yeah, I was a father's fucking nightmare.
While I lit a cigarette outside, I called Bella to see if she needed me to come
early to help her, but she said that Maggie had gotten there early and they
were done except for setting the table. Bella sounded much more relaxed and
actually chipper, which was a big relief for me. I realized that I was stressing
out over her stressing out.
Promptly at 2:17, my brothers and I stood in line at in the front hallway,
waiting for dress inspection. Each of us was given a once over, and then
upon approval, my mom's eyes welled up with tears as she muttered how
beautiful and handsome we all were and then something about us having
grown into men so quickly or some shit like that. We all looked at each other
and then my dad, who just shrugged his shoulders and smirked.
When she got herself under control, Esmom handed us each some sort of
fancy glass dish containing a dessert and we walked down the block to
Bella's. We rang the bell, standing like idiots with huge corny smiles waiting
to be invited in.
As Bella opened the door, the delicious mix of cooking turkey combined
with the scent of cinnamon wafted out toward us. She beamed at all of us,
bouncing up on her brown stiletto heels as she energetically wished my
family a happy thanksgiving. I could see her gigantic smile from the bottom
step of the porch….she was fucking lit.
Jasper walked in first, hugging Bella and handing her a pie. Em slipped in
next, kissing her on the cheek, while placing what Mom had earlier called a
trifle bowl in Bella's other hand. My mom kissed Bella's cheek and hugged
her, complementing her tight fitting, off -white sweater dress which she
looked fucking edible in. My father stood before her with a shopping bag,
opening it up so Bella could take a peek inside.
"Tupperware?" she questioned with a smile.
"Shhhh…it's for leftovers," he whispered inconspicuously, evidently trying
not to set my mother off. "I'll return it to you after it's all empty and clean."
He winked and added, "Everything smells delicious."
Bella winked back animatedly whispering, "Gotcha."
The exchange was really fucking adorable.
I smiled, approaching her slowly, as she stood there with her hands
completely full. I was grateful because her father was behind her shaking
hands with my family and I didn't want it to seem weird that I didn't kiss
Bella or hug her when everyone else did.
"God, you look so handsome…and hot." She said licking her lips while
overly pronouncing the t at the end of hot.
"You look fucking delicious yourself, Beautiful," I whispered into her ear.
She let out a tiny whimper from her glossy pink lips, looking down at the
floor. "I see you're feeling hell of a lot more relaxed today too."
"Yeah, well um…Maggie sort of spiked the hot apple cider with some spiced
rum. I've been drinking it since ten A.M., so yeah…I'm a lot relaxed," she
whispered giving me a knowing look. I snickered, taking both of the dishes
from her hands as I followed her to the kitchen for some of that cider.
Bella said to Maggie, "This is Emmett and Jasper, and you already know my
Edward." I hugged Maggie, smiling at Bella's introduction. I then downed
three glasses of cider in about ten minutes, feeling much more tranquil and
on the precipice of horny. I knew I shouldn't be drinking while on the meds,
but I wasn't driving and if I fell asleep or something, I could always blame it
on the Tryptophan in the turkey.
While Em and Jazz and my father stuffed their faces on appetizers, my mom
and Charlie discussed some landscaping ideas, while I talked with Maggie
and Bella about how my fucking eyebrows looked so natural even after
waxing.
While the group chatted and ate cheerfully, Bella fed me stuffed mushrooms
while Charlie eyed us rather contemptuously.
"B…what's up with your dad?" I asked, chewing on a mushroom.
"Maggie asked about the hardware right in front of him," she said, pointing
to her promise ring. "So I had to tell them that we were dating. She didn't
know that he didn't know, though part of him had to know…cause it's not
like he's stupid or naive. But since he's never seen us like, touch or anything,
I think the dad in him was hoping that we were only friends or really hoping
that you were just gay. He wasn't thrilled but he said you were a nice kid and
I could do a hell of a lot worse," she whispered.
I chuckled, relieved. "Did he have the sex talk with you yet?"
She shuddered. "Oh God, he tried in his own sad, pathetic, bumbling way,
but I told him about the real meaning of the rings and it made him shut the
hell up, thank God. If he only knew our meanings…"
"Yeah, he'd fucking cut my dick off if he knew."
A few people had noticed my ring since I had gotten it. My parents thought
it was a genius way to keep prying eyes off of us and my brothers thought it
was completely gay that we were wearing matching rings. Everyone else
thought it was cool but judging by their reactions, they were sort of
surprised, because it was rare that teenagers remained abstinent until
marriage. Apparently we were setting a good example, or some shit, but the
real meaning behind the rings was less than admirable.
While Bella went off the help with the rest of dinner with the females in the
kitchen, the males gravitated to the Cowboys and Redskins game in the den
while I found myself in the dining room staring at the set table.
On each of the plates was a little tent card bearing a first name written in
Bella's girlie cursive. I noticed that while the table looked really pretty as a
whole, all the individual settings were uneven. I glanced to see if anyone
was paying attention, while I circled the large rectangular table aligning the
silverware perfectly to the bottoms of the plates, and turning all of the knife
blades inward. Placing my fingertips on the wine glasses gingerly by the
base, I inconspicuously slid them into a perfect 45 degree angle from the
right of the plate and then I moved all the spoons to the outer side of the
knives.
As Jasper passed by on his way to the bathroom, he leaned over and
muttered, "Want me to ask Charlie if he has a level in the garage?" I scowled
at him, slipped him my middle finger and continued perfecting the table.
Bella must have folded the linen napkins while she was drunk, because none
of the edges were aligned.
I took the linen napkin in front of Bella's plate and folded it into a perfect
swan, placing it atop her plate. Then, because I was sort of drunk and bored
and completely OCD-ing over the fact that if one plate had a swan then they
all should have swans…so an entire goddamn flock of birds was created in
ten minutes.
Not only was I ridiculously anal, but I had suddenly channeled the
Thanksgiving spirit of Martha fucking Stewart.
My mother glided into the dining room holding a platter of spiraled ham.
She hovered the dish under my nose before she set the plate down in the
center of the table. It smelled amazing, and my mouth actually watered.
"Sweetie, did you make the napkin turkeys?" she asked with awe, holding
her hand over her heart.
"Um...they're swans, but yeah. I was kind of bored."
I swear to God, she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me like I
was going off to war.
"Mom...are you okay? You seem a little off today," I asked quietly, as
Maggie brought out a casserole dish with stuffing placing it on the table and
then beamed over the fucking napkin turkeys.
"The turkeys are so great Edward! Who knew you had such hidden talents?"
"Thanks, but they're supposed to be swans," I replied flatly. Bella brought
out a dish with green beans in one hand and a pitcher of gravy in the other,
which I took from her, placing them both on the table.
She started laughing uncontrollably as she picked up a swan and made it kiss
my face. Well, it was more like incessant pecking, until I had to finally pull
the napkin out of her hand and beat her into submission with it, before
folding the fabric back into a bird and placing him in his rightful place.
Maggie announced that dinner was ready, sending my family into the dining
room like a goddamn herd of cattle.
Em and Jasper remarked about the swans, beginning to recall the tale of how
I learned to make them while on the cruise to Hawaii. I gave them both
warning glances to shut the fuck up, because Tanya's name was bound to
come up and I didn't want her mentioned in Bella's presence. Of course it
did, as they were laughing about how I was so anal with getting the stupid
napkin creatures perfect. And even after everyone gave up because it was
stupid, I persisted because I wanted to impress Tanya, which was not the
case actually. Bella smiled at me, looking away, and I whispered apologies
to her while muttering to my brother's that they were idiots for bringing that
up.
I walked into the kitchen and at Maggie's request, brought the huge turkey
platter into the dining room where everyone was seated. After setting it on
the table in front of Charlie, I sat in my assigned seat next to Bella, smiling
at her. Everyone remarked how great the food looked and smelled and
Emmett whipped his swan napkin out with a snap, tucking it into his shirt
like a bib while rubbing his hands together in anticipation.
Just when we were expecting to start serving ourselves, Maggie raised her
hands upward. "Is everyone okay with saying Grace?"
While Charlie casually slipped his hand into hers, my family sort of froze…
four sets of eyes staring between Bella and I. I panicked, my heart suddenly
racing and I felt an uncomfortable wash of heat come over me.
As she raised her hands up, my mother said cheerily, "Of course not…
boys?" My father inhaled before he nodded minutely, subtly granting me
permission to hold Bella's hand. She smiled sheepishly, raising her palms up
on either side of her, slipping one tiny hand into Charlie's and the other into
mine. I laced my fingers with hers, taking in the warmth and the feeling of
her fingernails digging slightly into my palm.
It was fucking heaven.
I smirked and squeezed her hand a little, ignoring the snickers coming from
my douchebag brothers and the look of nostalgia that crossed my mother's
teary eyed glance. What the fuck was with her and the tears lately?
"Bella, would you do the honors?" Charlie asked, glancing her way.
"Uh…okay." She bowed her head, closing her eyes as the rest of the table
followed suit. "Um… dear God, we thank you for all of your many
blessings, for this delicious feast, for our heath, for our families and for our
wonderful friends...oh, and for hand holding and designer boots and concert
tickets and fake…" I squeezed her hand tightly before she blurted out
incriminating words in a mildly drunken rant.
She cleared her throat, continuing, "Fake um…fur. Thank you for laughter,
and smiles and happiness….and apple cider." She looked at Maggie and
winked.
"Please provide good food to all of the starving people out there, and make
those who have no one to hug them today feel loved. Thank you for…
everything. Amen."
"Amen," we all chimed after her.
"Wait! Can I add something?" Emmett asked excitedly. "I'd like to say
thanks to God for real USDA turkey and I also want to say a prayer for Tom
Gobbler for sacrificing his life and leaving behind his wife and little gobbler
kids to give us this fine feast of deliciousness. May he rest in…pieces."
A huge grin spread over his face, as everyone laughed, adding another,
"Amen."
"Um…I just want to say thank you to Bella and Maggie for cooking all of
this amazing food and for Charlie for welcoming us into his beautiful
home," my mother said, snickering slightly, at the last part because she
infact, decorated his beautiful home. "And I want to say how thankful I am
for all of my children, and for the girls in their lives that make them better
men and…for little miracles…" she cleared her throat to cover up the
cracking in her voice. Jasper and I gave each other a glance that said a silent,
What the fuck? My father slipped his hand into hers on top of the table,
comforting my mom as she whispered apologies, wiping away more tears.
"Okay, soooo…anyone else?" Charlie asked breaking the uncomfortable
silence, poised over the turkey with a huge knife and fork. When no one
objected, Charlie began to slice the turkey, while the side dishes were passed
around the table. With all that was going on, no one had noticed that after
everyone unclasped his or her hands after the Amen was spoken, Bella and I
had not. Her warm little hand sat, wrapped entirely in mine, resting on my
thigh.
Neither of us had stopped smiling. I leaned over to her, whispering in her
ear, "I am so thankful for you, Beautiful. And I'm fucking thankful that you
can cook."
She giggled, mouthing the words, "I love you." I caught my mother staring
at us, and furrowed my eyebrows at her. She shook her head, smiling to
herself as she began to eat. Bella served the food into our plates as
inconspicuously as possible, while still keeping our hands interlinked.
The food was incredible, considering it came entirely from a sixteen year old
girl and her stoned friends who really had no idea what the hell they were
doing. I ate the entire meal with my left hand, awkward and weird, but not
wanting to let go of Bella's. We were given permission, and though I didn't
think it was meant to last throughout dinner, I wasn't about to let the
opportunity slip away.
Everyone was quiet, except for the clinking of silverware and glasses, and an
occasional hum of approval for the food. My mother then, breaking the
silence, suddenly began to moan in pleasure.
"Oh, my God…this turkey is just…oh my God!" Everyone looked at her and
then each other, and then at my poor father who was nodding red-faced as he
continued to eat in mortification. "This ham…it's like heaven...wow…
mmmmm…"
I couldn't figure out if her embarrassing semi- orgasmic reaction was
because she hadn't ingested real meat in ages or if she was going through
some weird hormonal shift with all of her crying and mood swings. It was
almost like PMS or maybe even…
"Mom?" Next to me, Jasper's fork clinked down onto his plate with a jarring
clatter as he asked quietly, "Are you… are you pregnant?" My mother and
father looked at each other with loving adoration as my mom's eyes welled
up with tears yet again. Emmett choked on his food, spewing out bits of it all
over the table.
"We're due in July. See…you make fun of my stupid food, but I think that's
the reason I was having difficulty conceiving!"
"Oh my God, Mom," I said in disbelief, letting go of Bella's hand as I stood
up to hug her and my dad. It was complete bullshit in my opinion that the
organic food helped her conceive, but whatever she needed to believe get her
through the day.
"So does that mean we can eat normal food now?" Emmett asked hopefully.
Mom shook her head no, but she seemed a bit less adamant about it now.
It was weird…everyone getting up to hug and kiss my parents for being
pregnant. I knew they probably didn't want to tell anyone for at least another
month or so, considering my mother's history with losing her pregnancies,
but her odd behavior was just too telling.
After that, Charlie raised his glass in toast to the new addition, and dinner
resumed on a much more cheerful note while Maggie and mom discussed
turning her office into a nursery and the fact that Emmett would be going off
to college one month after the baby was born. The idea hit her at the same
time as Maggie. Maybe instead of the office being turned into a nursery,
Em's room would be a much better choice. For the second time during
dinner by brother choked on his food.
Bella and I slipped our hands back inside each other's, continuing to enjoy
the food and the great news and our temporary pass to touch.
I was going to be a big brother.
My mom and dad were so fucking happy.
Things were looking up…definitely.
Later on, Rose and Alice showed up for dessert, making the dining room a
lot more crowded, but much more complete. We stuffed our faces with
amazing pies and the damn good brownie trifle, all made with non- organic
ingredients, despite my mother's usual propensity to use such gross stuff in
her cooking.
After dessert was cleaned up, we played charades, laughing our asses off at
Emmett pretending to do the famous potato scene from Gone With the Wind.
That was a fucking sight if I ever saw one.
Later on, everyone left Bella's armed with plenty of leftovers and then she
and I watched a little television alone. It was late and when she started to
yawn, I told her I should probably get going. She insisted on walking me
halfway home, so we stopped midway to say our goodbyes.
"I like seeing you so happy," she said, tentatively running her fingers along
the lapel of my wool coat.
"It's because I'm with you," I replied smiling. "And uh…I sort of started
taking antidepressants a few weeks ago, so maybe that's a little bit why too."
I looked down at the ground, fearful of her reaction.
"Why didn't you tell me, E?" She looked up at me with her expression so
dejected and forlorn.
"Because I didn't want you to feel sorry for me. My parents looked at me
with such…fucking pity and I couldn't stand it if you looked at me like that
too. My shrink said I was depressed, and that's why I was so moody and shit
all the time. It's better now, right?"
"Yeah, it's a lot better. I'm glad you told me, though I could very well have
gone on happily thinking I was the sole reason you were suddenly smiling so
much." She tugged at the coat playfully, smirking and looking at the ground.
"You have no idea how much I love you Bella, and how happy you do make
me. But I guess I just needed a little extra help. Thank you for being so
patient with me. I um…I appreciate it."
"Edward, I would do absolutely anything for you, I swear to God I would."
"I know that Beautiful, and the same goes for me."
Pressing my fingers to my lips, I blew her a kiss whispering, "Good Night,"
and motioned for her to head back home. Once her front door shut behind
her, I headed home, up the balcony stairs to smoke a cigarette, and maybe
catch a glimpse of my beautiful girl in a state of undress.
I sat against the house enjoying my full belly and the cool night air, the deep
draw of the cigarette and the amazing view of my girl all the while thinking
about the idea that we were going to have a little baby in our house soon.
And before I snuffed out my smoke, I said a silent prayer in thanks for all of
the blessings I was given, which I so often left unappreciated because I
couldn't see past all the shit in my life.
Because tonight, for the first time in a very long time I was honestly and
truly thankful for all of the great things that I had in my life and especially
for all of the wonderful things to come.
~%~
Happy Thanksgiving to my American girls. And Happy Thursday to
everyone else.
xoxox
EBT

Special thanks to Livvi84 for the expert legal advice (Edward's… not
mine) You are a doll and I am sending naked Edward to do some
ironing as thanks.
Oh and OMG!!! High Anxietyhas been nominated for the Cliffhanger
Award for Best Angst as part of the snowflake quarter of the 2009
Shimmer Awards. So go vote here:
shimmerawards (dot)webs (dot) com
cause seriously, I have never won ANYTHING in my whole life except in
high school, I won first place in an anti- drug poster contest which I won
a ten speed bike that I later sold to buy weed.
WHOEVER NOMINATED HA …THANK YOU!!! I AM
HONORED!!!!
Thank you to Becca for the red penning and to Suzy for your above and
beyond bata'ing without internet connection.
And finally, thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has been
reading and reviewing and reccing and Twittering and taking the time
to tell me how much you like the story. I am so grateful, and I love you
guys.

***Alice's and Bella's outfits are on my profile page.***

~High Anxiety ~
Chapter 22~ A Little Jealousy
Ohhh I got your crazy
I'm going out of my mind
I think I'm crazy
I think I'm going out of my mind
You call me crazy
I thought I saw you touching my guy
Are you crazy?
Maybe I should take you outside
And show you crazy
Ohhh I got your crazy
Touch my man again and imma fuck you up, and imma fuck you up
Kaci Battaglia ~Crazy Possessive
~Bella~
"Wait, wait… what about this one?" I asked Alice, holding up a little black
halter dress that I had pulled from my overflowing closet. My mother had
sent three more boxes loaded with outfits from her store and even Edward
the Clothes Whore had mentioned that the exorbitant amount of outfits I had
to choose from was absurd if not completely insane.
Yeah, that's right…he had been nosing around in my closet. We were
hanging out one afternoon, and I went to the bathroom for like two seconds.
When I came back I swear he had half of my stuff color coordinated and all
of my shoes paired and neatly organized.
Freak.
But he was my freak.
Alice groaned, flopping onto the chair in the corner of my room. "I like that
too, Bella. Okay stop, there's too much to choose from now, my head is
spinning and I want to wear it all." My bed was literally covered headboard
to footboard in possible outfits for Alice to spend her first night with Jasper
in…
They were gonna do it.
Alice was twitchy and nervous, and of course, she just wanted to look
perfect for him. She settled on a very tight strapless denim dress that had
swatches of sparkly grays and blues sewn into the fabric paired with my gray
ankle boots that were too big for her but she insisted that she would wear
thick socks with them regardless.
Alice and Jasper had held off a bit, wanting to wait at least six weeks from
their first kiss until they had sex. According to Alice, they had done
everything but the actual dirty deed, and surprisingly, Jasper was taking
some advice from his brothers, going out of his way to make the event
special for her. Alice said he had made reservations at a nice restaurant, and
then he had alluded to the idea of them going up to the Space Needle before
returning to the hotel to…well…fuck, I guess.
It worked out well for Edward and I, because they would be accompanying
us to Seattle. While we went to the concert, they would be wining and dining
and sexing it up back at the hotel. Edward didn't want his parents aware that
he and I were going to spend the night together sleeping in the same room…
they would never approve because of the restraining order. Jazz and Edward
told them that the girls were rooming together because my father wouldn't
allow anything otherwise, however, my father had no idea the boys were
even coming along. He would ground me until I was eligible for Social
Security benefits, for certain. As far as he knew, I was driving with Rose,
Alice and Angela.
Clever but simple strategies were contrived, lies were concocted, and the
plans for our respective evenings were set in motion. We just had to pray we
didn't get caught. When it came to horny teenagers trying to hide a weekend
get away with their respective significant others, the CIA, FBI and Secret
Service had nothing on us.
The four of us hit the road mid morning while Carlisle and Esme were out to
breakfast, and by the time we reached Seattle, it was early afternoon. Alice
did not shut up the whole way there, a clear indicator that she was a ball of
nerves. Edward rolled his eyes a few times, giving me smirks while he
turned up the music to drown out her incessant yapping. One could only
tolerate so much Alice About To Get Laid. It was finally when my own
tolerance met its limit that I begged Jasper to make out with her just she
would shut the fuck up for a goddamn second. I was definitely kicking
myself for second-guessing the idea of slipping a Xanax into her coffee this
morning.
Was I bitter at all? Envious possibly? Nooooooooo…not me. Not. At. All.
We checked into our hotel rooms; one under my name and another under
Edward's, which thankfully were down the hall and not next to one another,
because... the very last thing E and I wanted was to hear the strangled cries
of my best friend and his brother in the throes of lovemaking. Edward made
sure to get a room with two queen beds, just in case, while Jasper's room
was one big king. Really, I think that Edward's main concern and priority
was that the room had a goddamn iron in it. Everything else was just an
afterthought.
It was very strange taking the elevator up to the tenth floor of the hotel…all
four of us uncomfortably silent, as we all knew what Jasper and Alice were
going to do later on that night, and what Edward and I …weren't.
At all.
In any case, I was excited and a little nervous, having this my first overnight
excursion with Edward, hopefully the first of many. It was also a little weird,
because I suddenly felt as though we were doing something very grown up.
Renting a hotel room and seeing a rock concert with Edward made me a
strange sense of maturity that I had yet to feel in my sixteen years. I quite
liked the idea of playing house with Edward. A lot.
However, with all the lies we told to our parents, it had me feeling a huge
bout of guilt even though what we were doing was completely innocent…
except for the part about the fake ID's.
I wasn't sure what his intentions for sleeping were when I first saw the two
queen beds, but I was silently hoping for a little snuggling after the concert.
However, with him pulling away those last few weeks unexpectedly, I wasn't
about to ask him for anything that would make us touch, fearful of a reprise.
Even though we 'fooled around' the night before Thanksgiving without
touching, Edward hadn't initiated anything further in the weeks since and I
was too afraid to be the aggressor, so I left it alone, hoping he would make
the first move.
He hadn't.
I was okay with that, regardless. I actually felt ashamed of myself for even
wanting it, knowing how much trouble it would cause him, literally and
emotionally. He had enough going on in his head with the new meds and the
fact that his mom and dad were expecting a baby, that he didn't need me
egging on the situation with my neediness.
But I knew Edward and his moods well enough to determine that there was
something he wasn't telling me…something besides the depression diagnosis
and the meds he was taking that had him weirded out suddenly. I made
attempts to ask a couple of times but lost my nerve, just thinking I should
leave it alone until he was ready.
I felt like all I did was wait and then complain about all the waiting. Hurry
up and wait. It was a vicious cycle.
After we dropped off our bags, the four of us went to lunch at a little Thai
restaurant, and then walked around the city shopping, peering in
extravagantly decorated holiday windows, and meandering in random stores.
I wanted to buy this adorable little yellow stuffed duck for the baby, but
Jasper mentioned that his mom was totally superstitious and would be sort of
freaked out by any gifts until after the six month mark, when she was less
likely to miscarry.
I knew they were silently on edge about her losing this baby, but Esme
seemed so positive and sure that this pregnancy was going to fruition. I
made sure to say extra prayers for her at night…just in case God happened
to be paying attention because he certainly wasn't listening to me while I
was asking for a miracle for Edward.
Edward didn't talk about it much, though on one occasion, he did say that he
was thrilled for his parents, and totally excited about having a little one in
the house. I found that odd, but pleasantly surprising considering the last
thing I expected him to look forward to was a little person that spit up, peed,
pooped, and cried uncontrollably at all hours of the night. I don't know if he
even understood how messy and noisy babies were. I suppose he was just
focusing on how beautiful and special they were, and that sort of made me
love him even more.
I thought maybe the idea of an infant in the house would be weird for three
teenage boys, but even so, I knew Edward was mostly uneasy about what it
meant if the baby was a girl. It went without question that he was terrified,
but he never said it out loud…we all just knew.
Carlisle called Edward's attorney a few days after they announced the
pregnancy to find out about the legal impact it would have on him. Edward's
lawyer stated that the no- contact order was exempt for family members,
because it was literally impossible to live with someone, particularly a child,
and not touch them. Also, Edward not being able to touch the baby would
have severe emotional impact on him or her as well. Therefore, he was
immensely relieved at that knowledge, as were his parents, who I don't think
had even considered the possibility of having a touching issue before they
had conceived.
I knew, without Edward having to say anything further, what that also meant
for his half sister in New York. There was a definite possibility that he could
meet her without concern of contact now, but the odds of his biological
father allowing the meeting were slim to none. I assumed he had to let the
notion go, like many other things in his life. And hell if that didn't make me
so fucking sad.
But through the few weeks of uncertainty, Edward remained
uncharacteristically upbeat and cheerful, the antidepressants obviously
working well to help balance whatever private turmoil was working inside of
him. It made me so pleased to see him like that, but I was ashamed to say
that sometimes I missed that brooding part of him that was suddenly
nowhere to be found.
Because brooding and mysterious Edward was so fucking sexy.
While walking around Seattle, Alice decided she wanted some lingerie.
When we found an adult shop, she and I slipped inside, shooing the boys off
to the other side of the store. They of course, ended up near the pornos and
the wide assortment of sex toys, while we were knee deep in leather, satin
and lace.
Alice must have touched, moved and unfolded every single pair of size small
panties in the store, to the utmost irritation of the snippety, albeit slutty
salesgirls dressed in way too tight, way too revealing outfits, that our boys
couldn't seem to stop stealing glances at.
Yes girls, extreme camel toe is totally the way to grab a man's attention.
Your father's must be extraordinarily proud.
Finally, Alice settled on black lace, with a strapless push up bra to match,
while I bought a red lace thong and a matching strapless bra just for the hell
of it. Not like anyone would see it but me. I saw a ton of things that I liked,
and would love to wear for Edward, but given our situation, I just didn't
think it would be fair to flaunt anything overtly sexy in front of him.
While we shopped, we noticed that the boys had made purchases at the cash
register, much to the curiosity of Alice and I. Jasper and Edward left their
credit cards at the register for the sales girl to ring up our respective
purchases on, which I thought was not only very thoughtful, but romantic as
well. Once we paid for our undies, it occurred to me if Esmom opened and
paid their bills and if she would question the charges. Hopefully she
wouldn't think they were into cross dressing.
We grabbed our bags and found the boys by the porn again.
"Hairy Porker and the Order of the Penis?" I asked, curiously peeping over
Edward's shoulder at the DVD title in his hand. He chuckled, placing it back
on the shelf next to Horny Pooter and the Chamber of Secretions. "Classy. I
don't even want to know where he sticks his wand," I remarked, rolling my
eyes at the massive wall covered in plastic cases with giant breasts on the
covers.
Edward gave me a pointed look and then smirked. "Hey, it's better than Cum
Guzzling Sorority Sisters 3."
"Well, I assume it wouldn't make much sense if you hadn't seen Cum
Guzzling Sorority Sisters 1 and 2," I replied sarcastically. "Do you really
like this stuff?"
Edward shrugged his shoulders shyly, pulling out a DVD of IndieAnal
Boner and the Temple of Poon. "I don't know, I mean… it serves its purpose,
I guess." He fidgeted with his shopping bag a bit and then asked, "Have you
ever watched any of this stuff?"
"Um… I've only seen bits of what's on late night cable and well once…" I
turned away from Edward completely embarrassed and just a little turned
on.
"Once what, B? Tell me," he whispered with a slight chuckle into my ear
from behind.
I whimpered a little at the feeling of the warmth of his breath on my neck
and what that did to my insides. "Um, well…a few weeks ago, Rose and I
watched this video on the internet…" I shook my head at the memory of the
girl getting a string of these big black beads shoved up her butt after she had
been fucked in every orifice in her body. "It was really graphic and sort of
weird and well, I think Rose was sort of using it as um… research."
Edward's eyes widened. "Okay, stop talking… I do not want to know." He
muttered something about his fucking nasty ass brother being a closet perv.
"Sorry," I chuckled softly. "So what did you buy?" I asked, craning my neck
to peer into his bag.
He shoved the sides together, effectively shutting me out of view. "None of
your business, nosey girl."
"Everything you do is my business, Edward. Is it a DVD, dirty pigboy?"
A smirk feathered at the corner of his mouth. "Nope, and I'm not a pigboy,
just a man with needs," he retorted holding his head up proudly.
Jasper snickered from across the room, obviously having heard our
conversation. "Yeah, a man who needs to get laid by something other than
his own hand."
"Shut the fuck up dickhead," Edward called back, rolling his eyes.
"Fine, be that way. I'll just have to show you what I bought, which by the
way…you won't ever see me wearing…" And I dropped my bag on the floor,
crouching as I pulled out the red lace thong displaying it in my hands with a
snarky grin. It had satin little bows on each of the hips…sooo pretty. What a
waste.
Edward hissed through his teeth, crouching beside me.
He whispered, "I bought a vibrator, okay?" His green eyes met mine,
mischievous and smoldering.
"Ewwww, for you?"
He clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth. "No, it's for you, baby."
For me? For me? For Me!!!!!
"Really?" I asked aghast. I lowered my voice to a low whisper. "Wait…is it
a… dildo? Because, I don't think…"
"No, it's not a dil…here look," he said, pulling the package out of the bag to
show me. "I was going to surprise you later, but…" The clear package
contained a little purple plastic vibrator that resembled the shape of a finger.
It came with five different accessory heads, and one of them looked like a
bunny. It even had a remote control.
It was a vibrator…that Edward was planning to surprise me with…later.
"It slips over my finger and you put on whatever attachment you want. I
think each one has a different purpose, but we can try them all out to see
what you like best, and…if you wear the red thong for me then… what, no
good?" he asked, looking dejected. "I thought you would like this."
Waaaaaaaaaaiiittttt just a second…Holy fucking shit...he wants to use it on
me!
I almost mounted him right there in the store, like a Schnauzer in heat.
"Oh...I do…totally. I just…I'm surprised that you…want to do that...to me."
I stumbled over the words because the idea of Edward doing anything
remotely sexual to me was muddling all cohesive thoughts around my brain.
I smiled sheepishly. "Maybe we won't even make it to the show."
He smirked, tossing the vibrator back inside his bag. "Uh, no, we're going to
the show…those tickets were nearly impossible to get and I spent a fucking
fortune on the table. But we have the whole night afterward and hotel
checkout isn't until eleven so…" I felt myself blush and my girlie bits seep
in warmth at the thought of another orgasm, this time by Edward's own
fingers…sort of. He smirked, knowing exactly what he had done to me,
while motioning for us to continue walking. We strolled along the store,
stopping in front of The Wall Of Artificial Poonany.
"I feel like we should get you something too," I said, pointing to one of the
many assorted rubber vaginas. "How bout a pocket pussy?" I tucked my chin
into my neck, as I held onto my bag laughing my ass off at the disgusting
imitation twats that were created for the sole purpose of getting off sans
female partner.
Edward stifled a snort and then busted out laughing. "Jasper said the same
fucking thing. I just can't imagine putting my dick into a silicone pussy, it's
just so…desperate. I'm not quite there yet, thank you."
"Oooh, there's even one that's just a mouth." I cocked my head to the side
admiring the realistic lips and the little tongue that protruded out of the
sleeve. "Do they really fit in your pocket? And do dudes just walk around
with them and whip them out when they get randy?" I asked, half serious.
"Okay, let's go," Edward huffed, a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"Why? I'm having fun," I said, protesting our departure. "What…you don't
like plastic bacon caves? Rubber bologna drapes? Pink velvet sausage
wallets?"
He rolled his eyes and shook his head, pointing to the door with great force.
I giggled, turning to leave when I realized he wasn't behind me.
"B? You wouldn't want to try one of these?" he asked softly, nodding his
head to the many packages of penis shaped dildos. His expression was a mix
of curious and hopeful.
I walked back over cocking my head to the side. It was amazing to me that
there were so many varieties. I mean, simply giving a cursory glance, I could
estimate at least a few hundred different styles, sizes and colors and
shapes…and that wasn't even counting the ones that were specifically
designed for anal play.
"Honestly? I've thought about it, but only recently because…well, because
I'm so horny all the time and I can't…do anything about it. Rose said I
should get one and that it would completely change my life, but…" I
stopped, feeling suddenly very vulnerable and incredibly virginal.
He quirked his head trying to meet my gaze. His nose almost touched mine.
"But what, Love?"
My breath hitched a bit and after I picked my gooey self off the floor, I
replied, "Well, I sort of want the first thing inside of me…to be you." My
eyes darted away from his, pausing momentarily on his denim covered
crotch and then back to his eyes.
Edward reached his hand out tentatively, fingering one of the buttons on my
coat. "I love you," he whispered reverently, his voice soft and almost
nostalgic.
"I love you too, E. I really, really do."
We browsed the store a bit more, talking and laughing until we came upon
something that would just possibly change my life as Rosalie had assured.
After agreeing on the purchase, Edward and I quietly argued over who
would bring it up to the register. Finally, I manned up, taking the package
from him along with his credit card because he insisted on paying for the
item, and was surprisingly impressed at the cashier's ability to hold a straight
face. I suppose in that line of work, if you were to see this crazy stuff
everyday, it was bound to become awfully mundane. Even the weird shit.
~%~
The four of us walked back to the hotel, Alice and Jasper in front of us, hand
in hand while giving each other frequent adoring gazes and nose nuzzles and
groping hugs at every damn intersection. As annoying as they were, it really
was endearing to witness how much Jasper obviously cared for her. Just a
little over a month ago, he was calling her names and getting annoyed at her,
and now he looked at her as if she was the only woman on earth. Overall, he
seemed nicer, less of a douche and not as antagonistic with Edward as he
usually was.
Love fucks you up, I guess…and makes you better in some cases.
"Ugh, promise me, we won't be like them," I groaned, as Jasper laced his
fingers with hers, kissing the back of her hand.
Edward chuckled. "B…if I have my way then we're gonna be ten times
worse, so you might want to learn to deal with it now."
Edward and I ran into a cute little gourmet sandwich shop, grabbing grilled
panini's and chips to bring upstairs. We only had a few hours to shower and
head over to the club before the show started, so an elaborate dinner wasn't
really reasonable. As we departed the elevator with all of our purchases from
the day in hand, we said our goodbyes to Alice and Jasper at their door.
I hugged her tightly and whispered for her to text me when she could to see
how things were going...or how they went. Edward and Jasper did that half
hug half back pat thing as they departed, and Jasper whispered something
into Edward's ear which made him actually smirk and blush.
He and I ate our sandwiches in front of the television, and then we smoked
cigarettes on the tiny balcony. It was unbearably cold outside tonight for
whatever reason, though the sky was clear and we could see a smattering of
stars peppered in the blackness.
Seattle's skyline was absolutely beautiful. We could see the Space Needle
and all of the tremendous office buildings still lit up, along with the bustle of
the streets below. I began to wonder about all the people walking the
sidewalks down below us…where were they going and what they were
doing and if any of them were dealing with non- touching restraining orders,
because I would very much like to have a conversation with someone who
had some experience in that area.
Edward blew a smoke ring up into the air, the extension of his neck and
tautness of his jaw sending shockwaves through my crotch. Then his eyes
suddenly drifted down, fixating on my chest. Apparently, my nipples were
hard from the outdoor chill, appearing pert and obvious through my thin
pink top. I crossed my arms, hiding my erect nips with a smirk, much to
Edward's dismay.
"Oh, why'd you do that? Lemme see. They're so pretty, and they are standing
up saying hello to me...Hello Edward...Hello Edward..." he said with a
chuckle, repeatedly pressing his pointer fingers and thumbs together in a
pinching gesture.
I scowled, uncrossing my arms and playfully pushed out my chest. Edward
smirked happily, taking another drag of his cigarette. "Better?"
"Much," he snickered. "You have great tits, B. And they are so… friendly,"
he smirked, waggling his eyebrows.
"Thanks, man. They really are such funny little things, aren't they?" I asked,
gazing down at my chest. Edward's breath hitched and he sighed softly,
never breaking his eye contact with my tits. "All you need is some cold air…
or a light touch… a simple word, and they respond so nicely." I ran my
thumbs over the bumps teasing him relentlessly. One peek at growing bulge
in his crotch and I knew he was aroused.
So predictable. His traitorous man muscle was making this too easy.
"B…stop, please. We really don't have time for this," he pleaded. "Why don't
you go shower first, because something tells me by the extraordinary amount
of clothes you brought for an overnight trip, that we might be here for a
while."
I shrugged my shoulders, snuffing my cigarette out on the concrete, knowing
he was absolutely right about that. I had six outfit choices for tonight, and
not a clue as to which one I would wear. After shampooing, showering and
shaving everything important, I brushed my teeth and then wrapped myself
in a towel while letting the steam escape from the bathroom. Edward was
lying on the bed with his long legs crossed in front of him, the television on
low as he napped.
I loved watching him sleep. He always looked so sweet and little boyish. As
I crossed the room toward my overnight bag, I detected the faint scent of my
perfume in the air before I noticed the tube of my lotion on the bed next to
him. It occurred to me that he had taken care of himself while I was in the
shower. I narrowed my eyes at my sleeping beauty. Selfish fucker...he could
have at least let me watch....
"Edward!"
He jumped up startled, wiping a hand over his face and blinking his eyes.
"Fuck…what's the matter, baby?"
"How often do you masturbate?" I asked, sitting on the bed next to him.
He rubbed his eyes, and laid back down into the pillows chuckling. "At least
once a day, but usually twice. Sometimes even three, depending on what you
are wearing that day, if it's provocative."
"Three times a day, Jesus. Do you think when we start…doing it, we'll do it
three times a day?"
Edward grinned, folding his hands behind his head. "God, I hope so. That's
if you can take all of me that many times. You might have trouble walking
the next day."
I smacked his arm with my hairbrush and muttered, "Pig." However, in
reality, I was in total agreement with him. And I knew damn well I wouldn't
mind being carried around until I could walk on my own again. I might have
to invest in a wheelchair or a walker maybe. Hell, even a cane would
suffice…
Edward asked what time it was, sitting up and sliding off the bed. He pulled
out a few shirts and some jeans from the closet which I hadn't even noticed
he'd hung up when we arrived. Of course, they were wrinkled from being in
his bag and that was entirely unacceptable.
Still on the bed in my towel, I brushed my hair, watching with enjoyment as
he hauled out the huge ironing board and preheated the hotel iron. He
smirked at me, ignoring my amused expression at his domesticity/ OCD
while I rubbed my lotion on my legs.
Once he began to iron, I laughed and said, "You are so manly, E." God, he
was sexy. Now I understood when my mom meant when she said nothing
was sexier than a man doing housework...
He flexed the bicep of the arm that was pressing the iron into his jeans,
giving me a masculine grunt for effect. So fucking cute. I put on makeup and
blow-dried my hair while he finished de-wrinkling two pairs of jeans and
three shirts.
Once Edward got into the shower, I dressed in outfit option number one,
sauntering into the bathroom announcing, "Fashion show!"
He slid open the curtain enough to peek his head out to see what the hell I
was talking about. He smiled as I turned around. "Burn it into your brain,
cause there five more and I don't want to have to retry on each one. This is
important, so pay attention." Edward saluted me with his hand to his temple
before I left for outfit number two.
As I strolled in wearing outfit number four, Edward pulled back the curtain
again, revealing a good portion of his wet ass. I stared at his beautiful buns,
perfect and squeezable and just yum…for longer than I should have as he
cleared his throat. It tickled me that he didn't get annoyed with my girlie
habits as was the fact that he was cooperative and actually enthusiastic while
giving me creative criticism as I paraded around in my choices. I knew by
then according to his various expressions what he liked best, but I really
enjoyed getting glances of a wet and naked Edward.
He chose sparkly silver off the shoulder top number four paired with dark
skinny jeans from number two, complimented by gray suede ankle boots
from bathroom runway number three. He said it was sexy yet classy while
making me look the age that my fake license said I was.
And I wondered why people thought he was gay. My boyfriend loved to
shop, ironed like June Cleaver on meth and steroids, manscaped like a drag
queen, dressed me without complaint and knew exactly who Jimmy Choo
and Manolo Blahnick were. All the reasons why I loved him.
By the time he emerged from the bathroom clad in only in a tiny towel, I
was ready to go, laying back on the bed playing with my new vibrator.
Not literally.
He dropped his towel right in front of me, exposing his perfect bitable ass
again on purpose, and then casually dressed in jeans as though he had done
nothing to rile me up. He slid his fitted black tee over his wet head and I
watched in sadness as the dark fabric patterned with swirlie, almost tattoo-
like designs covered up his perfect torso.
My body was on overload, feeling every ounce of estrogen surge straight to
my girlie region. I didn't think it was wise to continue like this… him
dressing in front of me and precariously tempting my libido into acting on
its natural desires. I sucked it up, smoked another cigarette on the balcony
while he fiddled with his hair for like an hour. Finally, we grabbed a cab
heading toward the club.
I was a nervous wreck. I had no idea what would happen if they were to
deem my ID a fake and then having to endure the immense humiliation of
being laughed at and consequently tossed out onto the street because I was
just a kid. It would be too much embarrassment to bear.
The immense building was glowing in white, edged with artificial palm trees
and chrome accents that made me think of Miami. I could hear the bass
thumping from the inside, giving the brick and mortar building almost its
own heartbeat. The line of scantily dressed people waiting in the cold to get
inside was literally down the block and I shivered at the thought of having to
stand out there, yet thankful it wasn't raining.
Edward made his way around and opened the cab door for me. "Just follow
me, Beautiful, okay?" he whispered, as his long legs made a beeline straight
for the bouncer at the door. Trailing closely behind, I watched in awe at his
audacity, but he simply said his name and the man flipped through some
papers on his clipboard, nodding for us to head on in. Edward stepped aside
and let me go in first. Always the gentleman. Needless to say, I was
thoroughly impressed.
Another man with huge arms and a barrel for a chest checked both of our
licenses under an infrared scanner while I needlessly fidgeted with the
contents inside my sparkly purse and quietly trembled in fear. I was afraid to
make eye contact with him for fear he oust me, but he just smiled, muttering
something to Edward that I couldn't hear.
Edward chuckled softly, uttering, "Thanks, man."
"What was that about?" I asked, slipping off my coat, and handing it to
Edward's waiting hand.
"He said something um…very complimentary about you. If he wasn't so big
I would have fucking punched him, but he was right so I let it go…"
We checked our coats and then, as if I weren't stunned enough, a tiny girl in
a tight black dress with hair cropped in a really cute angled bob that I
thought Alice would look great in, took our tickets motioning for us to
follow her. She escorted us through the club up a small flight of stairs to a
sort of balcony dotted with couches and small cocktail tables. She pulled the
Reserved for the Cullen party sign off the table,slid the lit candle into the
center, and motioned for us to be seated.
"Do you mind if I keep that?" he asked the girl, motioning for her to give the
little reserved sign. I gave him a questioning glance, while he slipped the
paper into his back pocket.
Edward chuckled and smiled sheepishly, while I just blinked at him. "I'll
have a Johnny Walker Black and Seven with a twist and… a chocolate
martini?" he asked, quirking his eyebrow at me. I nodded emphatically,
while the girl smiled and disappeared into the crowd. The whole thing, from
exiting the cab to the drink orders was handled by a completely smooth,
confident and skilled Edward that I had yet to meet. I was so turned on and
impressed I could barely contain my pussy. I imagine if I had unzipped my
pants and let it loose… it would resemble that thing from the movie, Alien,
clinging on to Edward's face with a vengeance, unwilling to let go.
I leaned forward placing my palms on the table. "When the fuck did you
become a thirty year old man? Seriously, E...how did you know how to do
all this? You walked in here like you've done it a million times. You're like…
suave."
Edward sat back into his chair, puffing his chest out as he gave me a
knowing look. "I'm more skilled than I let anyone see," he said confidently.
"Apparently. I feel like I don't even know who you are right now."
He scowled, leaning his hands on the table. "Bella, I was raised in
Chicago…I have been on vacation to exotic places since I was five years
old. Believe it or not, my dad is pretty smooth. He taught me how to slip a
bill into a maitre d's hand to get a good table when I was seven. I have been
in casinos and bars and top of the line restaurants since my mom married
Carlisle. I'm telling you, I pay attention to this shit. There is life outside of
Forks, you know. My mom says she sees a lot of Edward's charm or
whatever in me too, which I kind of resent, but if that's what I inherited from
him, then I can't really complain about it." He fiddled with the glass candle
holder for a minute before looking up at me.
"You're beautiful, you know that?" he said, leaning forward while resting his
elbows on the table. "The bouncer was right… I am a lucky mother fucker."
I felt my ears grow hot, as I blushed a bit, smiling at him shyly. Before I
could utter a word of gratitude, the waitress brought our drinks, placing them
on the table while Edward slipped two twenties on her tray and thanked her
with a warm smile. The club down below was packed wall to wall with
people, leaving absolutely no room to move. Up in the VIP section, the
crowd was relaxing comfortably in their seats, enjoying their overly priced
drinks and equally expensive reserved tables.
I had to admit, that I liked being treated like this. It made me feel special and
important, and what was even better was that since the female crowd was
over twenty one, the table wasn't attained because of his restrictions, it was
done entirely to impress me. He did this for us, simply so we could enjoy the
concert together without the hassles of anyone bothering us.
I took a sip of my drink, wincing as the high alcohol content burned my
throat, but licking my lips at the delicious taste. I had never had a martini
before, never mind a chocolate one, and I discovered that it was damn good.
It also made me feel sophisticated and glamorous, not like the sixteen year
old from a shitty little logging town in Washington that I actually was.
I leaned over the table, bringing the glass to Edward's lips. He took a sip,
hummed that it was good, and offered me a sip of his scotch concoction
which I almost choked on as it went down. Awful stuff. How the hell he
enjoyed this was beyond me.
A few minutes later, the lights dimmed as the wailing guitar chords of the
band shrieked behind a dark stage curtain. With a loud introduction, a tall
girl with crazy red waves on her head and a purple cat suit came on stage
screaming, "The moment you've all been waiting for has come. Ladies and
gentlemen…New Moon!" We abruptly stood from our seats, leaning against
the railing as the curtain opened and the band jammed out their first tune.
As the night wore on, and my second martini went down much smoother
than the first. With so much love and admiration, I watched Edward next to
me. He was bobbing his head to the music, tapping his fingers on the railing
in tune with the piano, which I thought was very cool. Every now and then,
he'd look over at me to flash a brilliant smile that he knew damn well was
making my knees buckle every time.
At one point, he came behind me, placing his hands on the rail on either side
of my own…whispering, "You are so fucking beautiful and I love watching
the way your body moves."
Holy fucking shit.
Two more drinks came and I was definitely feeling warm and fuzzy and
slightly unsteady on my three inch heels. By the end of the song, the lead
singer announced the band would be taking a short break. Strobe lights made
their way onto the dance floor brightening up the atmosphere, while some
crazy techno music blared out from the DJ booth. If I didn't have to pee so
damn badly, I would have been down there dancing.
Edward was practically in tears when I told him I was going to the
bathroom. He hated the idea of me having to make my way through the
crowd unescorted, but I couldn't possibly even ask him to attempt the trek
just to wait with me on the ridiculously long line. I brought my phone and
said I would call him if I got into any trouble. Silly boy.
I started down the stairs, muttering, "excuse me," every four seconds until I
decided that being polite would get me absolutely nowhere. Then I started to
just push my way through the mass of people, my bladder ready to explode.
While waiting a good fifteen minutes in line, I leaned against the wall,
staring up at Edward across the club, watching him as he played with the
candle, fiddled with his phone, and then got bored all together just looking
around. I saw him stand and lean over the railing, appearing as though he
was yelling at someone, but the ladies room line surged forward, blocking
him from view.
I used the toilet quickly, reapplying some lip gloss and fluffing out my hair
before I picked up my phone thinking it was Edward. I smiled when I saw it
was from Alice.
OMG OMG OMG!!! It was fucking A-MA-ZING!!! Hope U R having fun
C U 2 Morrow-Ali
As I navigated my way through the crowd once again, I caught a glimpse of
Edward, still up at the table. I froze dead in my spot, getting bumped and
yelled at by the people behind me having halted their movement. But I
couldn't really hear anything over the cacophony of music and voices and
the hollow numbness that was whooshing behind my ears. And I didn't
fucking care because my focus was entirely elsewhere. It was on Edward,
who was no longer alone, but surrounded by two blondes and a brunette.
And they were fucking touching him.
One of the blondes had her arms thrown around his neck and it looked as
though she was whispering something to him. Edward's hands had been
placed on her waist gently, before he pulled away to kiss the other blonde on
the cheek. The brunette reached out her hand to him which he shook in his
own, flashing her his panty melting smile. And my stomach churned with
vile acid, chocolate martini and jealous rage at the sight of the whole thing.
Those three girls had been more intimate with Edward in two seconds than I
had been in three months…and it was fucked up that Edward was allowing
this to occur.
I literally felt bile rise up in my throat, seeing him interact with these girls,
that not only did he obviously know, but by the way he had touched them
without hesitation, there were not minors. It occurred to me that my heart
was beating so rapidly, that I hadn't taken a breath or moved an inch since I
had spotted him engaged with the girls. It certainly wasn't like me to be
jealous before, but I think the feelings of possession were mainly due to the
fact that I couldn't touch my own fucking boyfriend, but whoever the hell
these girls were obviously could, because Edward was smiling and laughing
and he was doing not a thing to stop them. I was literally stunned by all of
this…the way Edward was with them…chatting and laughing, calm,
confident, controlled.
Who the fuck was he all of a sudden? Where did my boyfriend go? I may
have like the earlier confident Edward…but this one? Hell no, I didn't like
this one at fucking all.
He leaned against the railing, with one foot hitched up behind him, his hand
gripping his refreshed drink, and his other hand wrapped around the banister.
I finally found my bearings, forcing my way through the dance floor to the
stairs in a heated fury. I knew I shouldn't be acting this way, that I had no
right, but I couldn't control the irritation I felt at seeing him with these girls.
It was just so fucking unfair.
I leaned against a huge white column at the top of the stairs, a decent
distance away from them, just trying to calm down a bit before I approached.
One of the blondes held her phone out, and Edward leaned his head against
hers while she shot a picture of the two of them …as if they were a fucking
cozy little couple or something.
I saw Edward turn outward toward the dance floor, shielding his eyes from
the strobes. He was looking for me. When he turned around, he slipped out
his phone, the blue light of the screen illuminating his face and a few
seconds later, I felt my cell vibrate in my purse.
Where R U?
I wrote back:
Watching you get molested by 3 whores.
His face fell as he looked up, immediately meeting my gaze. He said
something to the girls as he brushed past them, walking down the aisle
toward me. I pushed off the column with my foot, slowly strolling toward
Edward and our now extremely overcrowded table.
I was buzzed, highly irritated and didn't really have a clue as to what to do,
and pissed at myself and at Edward because it was my fucking table and I
suddenly felt as though I was intruding on a private party. I stood there, both
hands in my back pockets with my hip jutted to the side awkwardly waiting
for Edward to reach me.
"What's going on, Baby?" he said, slightly slurred. His hands fidgeted at his
sides, and he shoved them in his pockets to keep them under control. I knew
he wanted to touch me.
I nodded to the table. "Who are they?" I asked, grimacing at the way my
voice cracked on the verge of tears. The air felt as though it was as thick as
oil in my lungs as they burned with ferocity.
"Um…that's um…Irina and Tanya and um…Tia, I think she said her name
was, I can't remember. You know, my parents friends…daughters." Edward
smiled timidly, pressing his lip together. His eyes were glassy and slightly
bloodshot, indicating that he was well on his way to being drunk.
"Come on…I'll introduce you," he said, waving his hand for me to follow
him.
I inhaled deeply, feeling my blood boil under my skin. I knew exactly who
the fuck they were.
"Tanya…the girl you lost your virginity to? No thanks, I'd rather not." I
would like to however, gut her like a fucking fish.
His eyebrows knitted together, all puzzled and confused as to why I wouldn't
want to be formerly introduced to the girl he stuck his dick inside of. Was he
fucking kidding?
"What's the problem? Oh come on, Beautiful, don't be like that. They're just
friends…please, come meet them." His eyes pleaded with me and as much
as I wanted to, I just couldn't tell him no. Reluctantly, I followed Edward
back to our table, where both blondes were sitting comfortably in our seats. I
quickly noticed that someone had pushed my half full Martini glass towards
the edge of our table in almost a silent cue to the waitress that it wouldn't be
needed anymore this evening.
Glancing at the three gorgeous, totally put together girls, I silently was
immeasurably grateful that I had put on lip-gloss and bothered making sure I
looked decent while I was in the bathroom, because the least thing I wanted
to do was meet the ex when I looked like shit.
"This is my girlfriend, Bella," he said cheerfully, as all eyes turned to me.
"Love, this is Tanya," he pointed to one of the blondes, who with a quick
glance, was obviously a twin to the other blonde. I had to say…they were
both drop dead gorgeous and it pissed me off. She extended her hand to me
as she stood, giving me the dead fish handshake...just barely touching my
fingers, as she towered over me in her black stiletto boots.
"Hi, it's nice to finally meet you," I said warmly, for Edward's sake. She
didn't respond.
Edward continued, "This is Irina, and …"
"Tia," the brunette clarified, reaching her hand out to meet mine. Irina did
the same, and then she stood, sort of wedging herself between Edward and I
as the waitress came over with a tray full of drinks. I noticed there wasn't a
replacement for mine as the waitress picked up my half empty glass carrying
it off with her.
"So I guess they're sitting with us now, and I'm done with my drink
apparently," I mumbled to no one, completely annoyed. I tried to make
conversation with Irina, while Tanya talked with Edward, but she pulled out
her phone in the middle of my sex shop story, seeming to not care one damn
bit. I stood there waiting for her to finish texting on her phone, but grew
tired of her rudeness. Edward's attention was completely enraptured by
whatever the hell Tanya and Tia were saying to him. I tried to join the
conversation, edging my way inside their gathering, but it was if they were
deliberately trying to exclude me. A few times I tried to chime into the
discussion but it was ineffective. None of them made any attempt to make
conversation with me or even take an interest.
I felt stupid, and young and completely out of my element.
Feeling wholly unwelcome in their circle, or quad as it may have been, I
moved over to the railing, watching the chaotic mess of a dance floor pump
and throb underneath me, wishing I was down there instead of up here with
the whores. I turned around briefly, spying Edward throw more cash on the
server's tray for yet another round of drinks and then turned back around to
the dance floor rolling my eyes.
A minute later, the strobe lights ceased as did the music and once the huge
room was dark, New Moon came back on to the stage. Edward moved next
to me, with Tanya and the other girls following on her side. They whistled
and screamed for the band, making a scene and embarrassing me.
Edward handed me a fresh martini from the table, whispering, "I love you,"
in my ear. I smiled meekly, whispering it back, before I turned to the show
again, taking a huge gulp of my drink. By the end of the next song, the
martini glass was empty, my head was spinning, and my legs were swaying
underneath me. Every so often, Tanya would lean up to whisper something
in his ear, while her hand grazed his shoulder, or she would playfully
squeeze his arm in excitement. One time, Tanya's fingernails massaged the
hair at the nape of his neck…the fucking audacity of that bitch.
Edward would just laugh at Tanya or occasionally offer her a genuine smile.
I glared at her, narrowing my eyes as she leaned forward against the rail,
making eye contact with me. Maybe it was the alcohol, or the fact that my
head was gearing up to unleash a jealous fit of rage on the bitch, but I swear
that she smirked at me.
It was pissing me the fuck off and I had endured enough.
I slid my hand along the silver railing, walking my fingers over to the top of
his hand where I laced my fingers with his. Edward pulled his hand away
abruptly, looking at me like I was fucking insane for even attempting such a
thing, while shaking his head at me disapprovingly.
I stood up on the balls of my feet, whispering in Edward's ear. "Hey E?" I
said, feeling my words slurring slightly, but not having the control to fix it or
the propensity enough to give a shit. "If she fucking touches you again, I am
going to punch her in her fucking ugly cock sucking mouth."
I regretted the incensed words a smidgen the instant they came rolling off
my tongue and Edward's eyes grew wide with I don't know what.
"Uh…maybe you should call it a night, Baby. You are definitely drunk and
more than a little hostile and as much as I might enjoy it, I don't feel like
breaking up a cat fight right now."
His harsh actions and his subsequent wounding words cut me deep….a knife
twisting and turning through my heart severing all that was left of my
temper and my pride.
"If that's what makes you happy, E…I'll go," I replied, forcing back tears
that were just waiting to emerge. "You can stay here with your harem of
whores and let them caress you all over. I don't want to ruin that experience
for you, being underage and all." I spun around, grabbing my purse off the
table, muttering, "Bye girls…lovely meeting you," as I sauntered my way to
the stair case. No one responded or payed attention to my departure for that
matter.
My fingers gripped the railing as my feet scrambled underneath me,
buckling under my drunkenness and shoes that were way too high for a tiny
drunk girl to walk reasonably straight in. A guy passing me on the stairs
caught my waist, helping me up. I regained my balance, charging forward
through the crowd like an angry bull, never once looking behind me for
Edward, who I assumed hadn't bothered to follow me.
Once I got outside, I was disoriented and feeling queasy from the adrenaline
rush and the sudden burst of cold air on my heated skin. I looked for a cab,
but my vision was blurry and I couldn't focus well on anything particular.
Three guys standing outside of the club said something lewd to me,
remarking on my ass, but I ignored their comments and tried not to cry as
the realization of the situation hit me. I was alone and drunk and cold and
alone…and alone.
"Are you okay?" Some older girls asked me genuinely concerned, as I curled
my arms around my knees on the steps of a nearby apartment building. I
nodded my head, asking to bum a cigarette. They handed me one already lit
and I took a drag feeling so much better but not better at all. My hand shook
as I smoked the cigarette, while anxiety churned below the surface... heart
beats erratic and rapid in my chest, throat tight and God, not now…
I wiped a tear from my cheek with the back of my hand, feeling stupid and
angry and jealous and then furious at Edward.
How could he let her touch him like that in front of me, knowing how I felt?
It was blatant disregard for my feelings, and part of me wondered if he
enjoyed the way she had her hands on him. Not that it was sexual in any way
that I saw, but I thought that considering I couldn't hold my own boyfriend's
hand, that she should have been a little less obvious about the fact that she
could. Then I wondered if Tanya was the type of girl that got off on making
another man's girl jealous.
I was so fucking cold…shaking on the steps, waiting for the first sign of a
cab to pull up. I thought for a second about calling Alice but I didn't want to
interrupt her and Jasper. In the distance, the faint sound of my name being
called offered me comfort and irritation, as I wanted Edward to wrap his
arms around me and tell me everything was okay…but at the same time I
just wanted to be left the hell alone. With my head down between my knees
and shaking, I suddenly felt my coat being draped over my shoulders, still
warm from being inside the steamy club. I looked up to see Edward's
bloodshot eyes staring at me.
"Jesus fuck, Bella! What the hell is wrong with you?" Edward's tone was
laced simultaneously with relief and utter frustration. Taking another drag of
the cigarette, I felt my body rock a little against the freezing cement
underneath me. He crouched down to my eye level, placing his hands on the
stairs next to my legs. I looked away from him, not able to stand the sight of
his face.
"Just leave me alone, Edward. Go back inside to Tanya. You were having
such a good time with them…I can't bear to see your night ruined because of
me."
"You are insane, you know that?" he said with disbelief. "Bella, she means
nothing to me. Those girls are just old friends…why are you being like
this?" he said practically begging for an explanation. The thing that killed
me was that he really had no idea…he didn't even know what his actions, or
the fact that he allowed her to touch him had done to me.
I stood up, tossing the cigarette on the ground, snaking my arms through the
sleeves of my coat. "I understand that she is 18 and she can hug and kiss you
but, really…do you have to have to rub my face in it? Do you have any idea
how shitty that made me feel to see those girls all over you…especially
Tanya, a girl who you fucked…and then when I went to touch your hand,
you pulled away? Do you have any idea how that made me feel?" My fist
swiped away dark mascara laden rogue tears that completely making me
resemble a crack whore.
"Christ, Bella, no… I didn't. I'm sorry. I pulled away not because I didn't
want you to hold my hand… because I don't want to go to jail, okay?
God…" he paced the sidewalk, gripping his forehead in his hand. "The
reason…" Edward lowered his voice to a smidge above a whisper and turned
to face me.
"The reason I stopped touching you these last few weeks, is because when I
got your ID from my buddy in Chicago, he told me one of the guys who had
a sentence similar to mine was forced to serve house arrest for two fucking
years, just for kissing his girl- and the girl… she had to do like 50 fucking
hours of community service for willingly allowing it. Is that what you
want?"
"Yes, Edward…that's what I want," I snapped, my tone seeping with
sarcasm. "I would love all of that to happen. In would love you to go to jail
for kissing me." I rolled my eyes, stepping down to the sidewalk. Even in
my heels, Edward towered over me. "It's not the point."
"What the fuck is the point then?"
I huffed, sniffing. "The point is that she was all over you and you didn't stop
it. You didn't for one second stop to think about my fucking feelings while
her fingers were massaging the back of your head, or her hand was
squeezing your arm… and you didn't even flinch away from her once. You
are always flinching away from me, E…always."
That's when the tone of the conversation shifted from me being the victim, to
Edward being furious with me.
"Well fuck…I'm sorry if I was being a little inconsiderate of your feelings,
Bella but did you ever think that for ten fucking minutes inside that club, I
was able to feel like a normal guy without having to flinch or push anyone
away? They are over eighteen, legally…I don't have to stay away from
them."
Really? Fucking Really?
With my jaw clenched I spat, "Is that what you need to feel normal? Sluts
hanging all over you?" Digging into my little purse, I whipped out my fake
license and flicked it at his head. He blinked and ducked before it hit him,
obviously proving his stealthy reflexes against me were still as astute when
he had been drinking.
"This says I'm fucking twenty one, Edward. But it didn't seem to make a
fucking difference to you tonight, did it?" He bent down to the sidewalk,
stuffing the ID into his back pocket with an agitated huff. I shook my head at
him, seething as I walked away.
He followed, gritting his teeth. "You know it doesn't work like that, Bella."
Stopping short in my tracks, I hissed, "So maybe this doesn't work…" I
passed my hand between our bodies. "Maybe we don't work. Maybe it's time
that you get yourself an older girlfriend that you can touch and fuck and kiss
in public when ever you want to. I'm sure Tanya would be happy to fill that
position and she definitely she looks like she's pretty experienced with
positions…Because it seems as though I do nothing but drag you down and
hinder...your…your free spirit." I flailed my hand in the air imitating a flying
bird, because at the time it seemed appropriate.
He made a face that showed he was completely at wits end with me. "Just
stop it. You know I don't think of you that way. I love you and…"
I rolled my eyes at the words scowling at him. "You love me? Really? That's
such bullshit, because it certainly didn't seem that way tonight, Edward.
How would you like it if I went and…" Before I could get out the rest of my
rant, Edward's hands were on either side of my face, pushing me back into
the wall with the force of his body. I felt him pressed against me, his solid
weight and the warmth seeping through his shirt and the smell of his cologne
and scotch drowning me.
His thumbs splayed against my jaw while his mouth crashed into mine,
nipping and biting roughly at my lips. It took me by such surprise that I
didn't have a clue as to how to react properly because all the pent up anger
and fear and repressed lust overshadowed everything else.
Our teeth clanked together nosily as Edward devoured my mouth in his and I
couldn't focus on one particular thing as I was completely overwhelmed by
the contact and my drunkenness and the adrenaline still charging every cell
of my skin….and his tongue…warm and wet in my mouth.
It was a myriad of scents and emotions and sounds and touches…touches
that accompanied our labored breathing and the sound of panting and wet
sloppy smacking noises and car horns in traffic and people passing by… and
someone muttered for us to get a room and …then the feel of his hardness
against my stomach, and then his fingers wrapped around my knee, grunting
as he hitched my leg up to his hip as he rubbed his dick into my crotch with
force creating this beautiful friction that I didn't even think existed. I moaned
and gasped at the same time, my fingers tangled in his hair and on his face
and then under his shirt trailing up the silky skin of his bare back and across
the planes of his abs… just a little lower and I would touch him.
"Is this what you want?" he asked through angry gritted teeth panting the
words, as his mouth moved to my neck, kissing and sucking and biting me
there and it hurt some but it felt so damn good and then I whispered, "Yes,"
and the vibrations of his moan against my lips made me wet.
"I want you so fucking bad, so fucking bad," he said in a pained voice,
almost angrily, with a carnal hunger and a ferocity that I had yet to
experience from him or anyone else for that matter.
Then his fingers… his long beautiful fingers were under my shirt and
slipping inside the lacy fabric of my new bra and his thumb fanned against
my taut nipple and I arched my back into him, smacking my head on the
brick wall behind me and I said, "Oh God, Edward, I want you too…"
Please don't ever stop…
Edward's face was buried in my neck, teeth pinching skin and wet and heat
and then a few staring faces as they passed us and it hit me as though I had
walked head on into a brick wall.
"Edward, stop…stop…we can't do this here…" I begged, pushing him off
me, not because I wanted him to discontinue ravaging me at all, but because
the repercussions of doing this in a public place were too terrifying for me to
comprehend dealing with if we got caught.
Edward staggered back a foot or so, wiping the moisture away from his
mouth with the back of his hand, and glared at me. His chest heaved through
his open coat and I could see a vein in his neck throbbing with his quickened
pulse.
"Do you want to know how much I fucking love you? I'd go to jail for you,
Bella. That's how much." He was angry with me…so angry.
I stood shaking with fear and excitement and overwhelming lust as the
memory of his warm fingertips trailed over my skin and his mouth on my
neck and then I realized that it was true- that Edward would risk going to jail
for me, to give me a simple kiss.
"No…no, I don't want that…"
The mere thought of that commitment made me double over and heave until
I was vomiting all over the sidewalk. Edward crouched next to me, trying to
shield the disgusting and embarrassing display from view, but it didn't even
matter at that point.
He whistled for a cab as one finally passed by, and he held the door as I
scooted into the open car leaning my head against the cool windshield, silent
tears leaking from my eyes. Edward told the driver where to go and then
asked him if he had a clean napkin or something. He handed me a tissue that
I wiped my mouth with, humiliated, hurt and terribly confused.
The back and forth, the touching and the not touching, the promise of the
sexual experiences awaiting in the hotel room and tawdry kissing and
rubbing up against the wall was undoubtedly getting to me. It was so
confusing, and in my inebriated state, I just needed a reprieve from all of it.
The silence on the ride back to the hotel was deafening.
I got out without waiting for him to open the door for me, walking ahead
into the hotel lobby where I pressed the arrow up button. I held the door for
Edward as he strolled inside, leaning against the wall glaring at me, while I
looked away.
More silence.
When Edward opened our door, I unzipped my boots, threw them into the
corner of the room and climbed into the unused bed. I don't remember
anything after that or even falling asleep, just feeling the room spinning and
the vile taste in my mouth. When I woke up later to pee and puke again, I
was dressed in sweats and a tee shirt and my hair was pulled up in a very
messy ponytail. Edward was in the other bed, curled in a ball on his side.
The bathroom mirror reflected back an ugly, pale face that had been wiped
clean of the dark trickles of running mascara and stains of tears. After
brushing and rinsing my mouth, I climbed back into bed by myself, never
feeling more alone as I did at that moment.
The smell of coffee and gray dullness peeking through curtains greeted my
splitting headache when I woke again. It took a few minutes to adjust my
bearings, and clear the grogginess from my head. I heard Edward's voice. It
wasn't evident who he was talking to but the words were all jumbled through
the glass where he was using the phone outside on the balcony. I strained to
hear the conversation, but grew tired of the difficult chore, rolling over onto
my stomach. My whole body stiffened when the door slid open and then
clicked shut. I thought about pretending to be asleep, but really, what good
would that do?
Quietly, he moved around the room a bit and when the bed beside me
dipped, and I knew he knew I was awake. Conceding, I rolled over to face
him not quite able to make eye contact.
"I got you coffee," he said softly, "and some Advil."
"Thank you," I whispered; my voice scratchy and barely audible. He handed
me a bottled water, placing two pills on the bed.
We were back to not touching again.
"Jasper and Alice want to meet for breakfast after we check out. I told them I
would let them know once you got up, cause…I didn't know if you would
want to be around anyone." Edward was dressed in jeans and a blue long
sleeved shirt, his hair perfect as usual. Obviously he had showered while I
was still passed out.
"That's fine."
Edward rubbed his temple, shutting his eyes. "Bella…if you need to take a
break from this…from us…from me, then I understand. I really fucked up
last night, but I didn't know I was doing anything wrong and I'm really
fucking sorry I ruined everything for you."
I exhaled. "Is that what you want? A break from me?"
"No…I don't. But I know I keep giving you these mixed messages and
you're probably getting tried of trying to figure out what the fuck is going
on. I know I am."
I felt my eyes tear up. "What do we do? How do we keep going like this?"
Hot, salty tears trickled down my face onto the pillow beneath me. I just
wanted to feel normal…be normal with him…no restrictions, no
boundaries…no rules, no pain and no goddamn jealously.
"I don't know, baby. I don't fucking know." He played with his sleeve,
avoiding my eyes. "This wasn't how this weekend was supposed to go, you
know."
I sniffed, nodding my head. "I'm trying so hard, Edward, I really am. I'm
trying to be strong for you and just deal with what's been given to us."
"I know, baby, I know you are. But Bella, that's what I've been trying to tell
you…you have the option to not have to live like this. You can go and have a
normal relationship and do things without having to feel confusion and
fuckedupness all the time."
I sat up, wiping the tears away with the sheet. "Awww, this shit again? I told
you already…I only want you. No one else. I would rather be completely
alone than with anyone else but you. I just need you to know that what
happened last night hurt me. But I understand why you let it happen. If it
gave you a few minutes of feeling like a normal guy then it was worth it,
right?"
"Nothing is ever worth seeing you cry, Beautiful…nothing."
"I really, really love you, Edward. I may have overreacted a little bit last
night."
"I love you too, Bella, and yeah maybe you overreacted a little bit, but I get
it and I am sorry." He leaned forward and placed the tiniest kiss on the tip of
my nose. I heard him inhale before he pulled away with a sad smile. "Why
don't you get ready to go and I'll pack up. I'm sure you're hungry. Oh…and
you might want to wear something that covers up your neck, okay?
Huh?
I crawled off the bed, grabbing a pair of very wrinkled jeans and an equally
crumpled top from by bag. "Can you iron these for me?"
Edward smiled. "With pleasure."
I ran the water in the tub, waiting until it was nice and hot as I checked out
my neck. There were little red speckles just under the skin, where Edward's
mouth had been last night. I traced my finger over the marks, a heated rush
between my legs as the memory of his roughness and his desire and his cock
rubbing against me flooded back into my mind.
He had marked me and I liked it. I found an immense amount of pleasure
and satisfaction in feeling as if I had been claimed.
Edward was mine.
And I would be damned if anyone ever thought otherwise.
I poked my head out the door, spying the back of Edward's head as he stood
ironing my clothes.
Leaning against the door jam I said in a very calm voice, "E…just so you
know, I am not normally so possessive, but I honestly think she was
provoking me by touching you so much and that just isn't cool at all. I
understand why you allowed Tanya to touch you like that last night, but you
need to understand that if I ever see her near you again, I will hurt her… and
you and I …are done."
The arch of his spine straightened. He said nothing, but nodded his head
twice, and turned back to ironing.
~%~
Once I packed the last of my toiletries in my bag, and sadly tucked the
unused vibrator away, Edward took my duffle from me and we headed to the
lobby of the hotel. Things between us were a little strained, but I was so
hungover that even if we hadn't had the mess happening from last night, I
would have still likely have been in a somber mood. I groaned aloud as the
elevator doors slid opened seeing Alice and Jasper waiting in the lobby…all
post coital glowing and disgustingly in love.
Edward groaned aloud, muttering, "This is going to be a fun drive home."
Alice hugged me, dragging me off to the couches in the lobby while the boys
checked out. She offered me a few details of their romantic dinner and then
their trip to the Space Needle, where Jasper said, "I love you," to her for the
first time and Alice said she cried. Apparently the sex was mind blowing as
was the foreplay and cuddling afterward. It was at that point that I decided to
just revel in her happiness instead of wallowing in my own messed up
debacle of a relationship.
Like a true friend, I gave her all the details about the concert, including the
marks on my neck now covered by a long striped scarf, and of course, the
shit with Tanya and Irina, to which she narrowed her eyes and said, "I
fucking hate those whores. Irina calls Jazz all the time and she just is a slob."
I agreed wholeheartedly, but we dropped the subject when the boys
approached us wanting to grab breakfast before we hit the road back to
Forks.
Halfway through the ride home, my phone rang, waking me up. It was my
mother, rambling on about Phil and the inventory in the new store and then
finally about getting me plane tickets to Vermont for Christmas.
"Mom, I am absolutely not going to Vermont this year again. I got stuck
babysitting for Phil's nieces and nephews last year and trust me, that was not
my idea of fun. I'm staying with daddy at home."
"Sweetie, your dad told me he's going to Colorado to see what's her name's
family. He just assumed you would want to be with me and Phil for the
holidays."
"Why doesn't anyone ask me before they make decisions that affect me?" I
grumbled. "Mom, I'm not going to Vermont, and I'm not going to Colorado.
I'm staying home." She argued loudly on the other line, while I pulled the
phone away from my ear to avoid a relapse on my now waning headache.
Edward held his hand out for my phone. I huffed, placing it in his palm.
"Mrs. Dwyer? This is Edward. Yes, well…she's told me so much about you
too." He laughed, putting on a thick layer of charm. They spoke a few
minutes, laughing and almost flirting, which I rolled my eyes at irritatedly.
Not for Edward's sake but for my mom's. She had no shame.
Finally, Edward said, "Well, my family is going to Chicago this year and we
would love to have Bella come along. You can speak to my parents about the
details if you'd like." After a continued conversation, my mother actually
consented to letting me go. My mom was always pretty liberal about things
and she trusted me. She said to leave it to her as far as convincing Charlie,
that it would be a piece of cake.
Alice grumbled in the back seat about wanting to come along as well, but
that she was stuck with her mom and grandparents in Spokane for a week.
Jasper consoled her by feeling her up.
The rest of the drive home, I gave Edward wordless glances, thanking him
and telling him that I loved him. I was more than elated to not only get to see
where Edward and his brothers grew up, but meet his grandparents, and
spend Christmas with him. I was so excited, that for a little while, the elation
superseded the glum feeling of the prior evening.
Every so often, I would catch Edward smiling for no reason. I wondered if
he was thinking about last night...remembering the way he had pushed me
against the wall and...
I had to stop, because the thought of it made me wet.
I was deep in thought as we drove, trying to reconcile my future with
Edward and how we were going to get through the next few months, never
mind the next two years. Then it hit me. I knew the only thing I could
possibly do for Edward that would make a difference. It might make us or
break us, but even if Edward and my relationship couldn't survive, then I
could at least do this one thing for him. Because I was willing to risk it all
for his happiness.
Charlie's car was in the driveway when we pulled into the block, so we said
our goodbyes and Edward dropped Alice and I off so we could walk the rest
of the way without looking suspicious. Once I got inside, I threw my bags in
my room, said hello to Charlie and Maggie before embarking on a huge
conversation about Christmas. I did the best that I could to state my case and
reasons for going to Chicago. It helped very much that Maggie was there to
back me up and act as a sort of character witness for Edward. I loved her for
that.
To my utter surprise, he agreed, having spoken with Carlisle, Esme and my
mother, with a guarantee that I would be spending the week in my own room
away from the boys at night and supervised at all times.
What a joke. Like I needed a trip to Chicago to have sex…so ridiculous. If it
were only that easy.
But…maybe it is that easy.
Once I hugged Charlie and thanked him, I called Edward to tell him the
news. After I hung up with him, I sat with my phone in my palm
contemplating my next move. I knew exactly what I wanted to do…what I
needed to do, but I was nervous about actually carrying out the task. Finally,
I just said, fuck it.
"Jasper?"
"Hey, what's up Bella?" His mouth was full of food.
"Listen….I need a big favor and I need you to not ask any questions, or tell
anyone we spoke of this, okay?"
"Um…okay," he said hesitantly. "You're kind of freaking me out right now.
What exactly do you need?"
I exhaled, shutting my eyes, determined not to back down.
"I need Charlotte's last name."
~%~

Dun dun dun...I know right??? Finally…something INTERESTING is

about to happen.
I was planning on some smut for this chapter but Tanya and her sluts
showed up unexpectedly, so things took a downward turn. Edward will
explain his side of this situation in the next chapter and we'll get to see
what little item they bought at the sex shop
A lot of you made the assumption that Tanya and her family lived in
Chicago. They actually live in Seattle, which is why the Cullens initially
looked into Washington State for a new location. And last chapter, when
Carlisle gave them consent to hold hands, it wasn't intended to be a free
pass for the night. They took advantage of it because they are kids and
no one was stopping them. However, just because they had permission,
doesn't make it legal. So no, if he gives them the green light to get it on,
they will still get in trouble.
If you've never seen a Pocket Pussy, Google it. I think it is the funniest
thing ever. EV-ER.
Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Thank you as always to Becca for speedy proofing and to Suzy for
letting me hassle the shit out of you in the midst of unpacking and waffle
cooking with no electric. Girls on the thread, I love all your passion and
heart for the story. It makes me smile.
*******My apologies about the chapter being so damn long, but clearly
you guys hate the fuck out of Edward, so I have to give you some more
details. I don't like repeating chapters in another POV, because it is
redundant, but trust me, this was necessary. It was done intentionally, to
show how there are always two sides to a story. Bella also forgave him a
little too easily as well… in hindsight she realized that maybe she didn't
actually see what she saw, and that Edward's actions (making out with
her against the wall in plain sight) were proof that she was loved above
all others. Let's keep in mind that THEY ARE 16 YEARS OLD, have no
experience with prior relationships and the two of them are emotionally
stunted most times, along with the fact they are drinking hard liquor on
prescription meds.
What I find so interesting about this, is that I could do a social
experiment on how women tend to only see one side of the story, and it's
usually the female's side. I think out of over 400 + reviews, only three
people were able to admit understanding where Edward was coming
from. And not ONCE did I mention that the girls were hanging on him
or touching him inappropriately…you just assumed because you are all
trained to hate Tanya.********
This is completely fascinating to me. Okay, read:

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 23~ Making Amends
Yeah, it's plain to see
that baby you're beautiful
And it's nothing wrong with you
It's me, I'm a freak
but thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly
There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn't even try
But I think you could save my life
Just don't give up I'm working' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me
What Do You Want From Me~ Adam Lambert
~Edward~
The only thing good about watching my girl walking away from me was the
sight of her perfect little ass in those practically painted on jeans. The
bouncer at the door had made a pretty fucked up comment about that ass,
and something about me being a lucky motherfucker for getting to tap that.
If he only fucking knew.
Eventually, my crass friend, eventually.
I smirked as I watched Bella roughly navigate her way through the mass of
people toward the bathroom. Once I knew she arrived safely, without being
groped or hurting herself or any innocent bystanders in the process of her
journey, I sat back down and played with the candle on the table. Thoughts
of what I was planning to do to her back at the hotel made me smile and
shift in my seat, because I knew she was excited about the vibrator, and I
also knew she had on the little red thong. I didn't understand why girls wore
them because they seemed so god damn uncomfortable...but I was on my
knees thanking God they did, nevertheless.
Though I was feeling pretty much like a million fucking bucks tonight, I was
a little self conscious sitting at the table by myself. I was getting these weird
looks from a group of girls on the sofa in the section behind our table, and I
realized that they were talking about me to one another. It made me feel as
though I was on display. I wanted to turn around and yell, "Take a picture
bitches, it lasts longer!" but I kept my composure and restrained myself,
keeping myself occupied. Pulling out my phone, I checked for messages,
cleaned out the folders, and put it away again.
I was really sort of pathetic. Bella was gone for what…ten minutes, and I
really fucking missed her.
I tried to take another inconspicuous glance by the bathroom to check on
Bella, when my phone buzzed. I was really fucking surprised to see that it
was a text message from Tanya….she usually called or emailed; she never
texted me.
How the hell did U get in here?
What the fuck? I looked around puzzled when the phone buzzed again.
At the bar
Sure enough, Tanya, her sister Irina, and a tiny brunette chick were leaning
against the bar toasting me with their drinks. I stood, leaning against the
railing to wave them over. I hadn't seen either of them since the cruise,
which was over a year and a half ago and just from a distance, I could see
that Tanya and Irina had definitely grown into women since. They both
looked more like models than college freshmen.
They made their way through the crowd, and Tanya held her arms out to me
pulling me into a tight embrace. In the back of my mind, I knew it was
okay...they were eighteen and it was completely legal, but I stiffened anyway
at the unfamiliar contact, wishing it was Bella in my arms and not Tanya.
Instinctively, I put my hands on her waist to steady her, as she was leaning in
a little too wobbly, obviously having one too many cocktails.
She pulled back gasping, covering her mouth with her hand. "Oh shit, Eddie,
is it okay that I hugged you?"
I chuckled at her concern, feeling slightly embarrassed about it. "You're
okay...it's minors I have to worry about." I was sort of yelling, as the music
was really fucking loud and totally not conducive to any sort of private
conversation. "And Tanya…call me Edward, please."
She rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay, sorry. God, it's good to see you. You're
like…an actual man now!" Tanya remarked, with a playful smile as she
waved her hand in front of me. The last time I saw her I was fourteen and
barely had a chest hair. I had matured physically quite a bit in the last
eighteen months, as had she.
Irina, Tanya's fraternal twin, pushed her sister aside playfully to kiss me on
the cheek. "Hi sweetie, you look awesome as usual. Is Jasper here with
you?" she asked all wide-eyed and hopeful.
I shook my head. "Thanks, you look great yourself. Jazz is in Seattle with
me, but he's back at the hotel with his girl."
Irina smirked and nodded. "The Playboy Bunny? She's a cutie." I quirked a
questioning eyebrow. "Your mom sent my mom pics from Halloween," she
clarified.
I noticed the brunette standing awkwardly behind the girls. "Is she
eighteen?" I asked Tanya discreetly. She nodded, looking embarrassed that
she forgot to introduce her friend in the excitement of our surprise reunion.
'This is our friend from school, Tia," she said. Tia offered her hand to me
mechanically, obviously not having a clue as to my deal.
"Hey…I'm Edward." I extended my hand out to hers, feeling a distinct
feeling of power and pride…and a tremendous amount of fucking normalcy.
I actually shook a girl's hand for the first time in a year and a half. It made
me smile like a fucking teenage girl at a shoe sale.
"So where's your ladybug? You two make a very cute couple by the way,"
Tanya remarked, sipping her drink.
"Thanks, I agree. She's in the bathroom. Actually…she's been there for a
while,"I said, craning my neck to see if I could spot her. It was too dark to
really see anything after the strobe lights passed.
"So are you two like…serious?" Irina asked, moving her eyebrows up and
down indicating that she meant if we were intimate. They of course, knew
about my situation when it all happened.
I chuckled. "We love each other but…unfortunately, no. We're not intimate.
I'm playing by the rules." I cringed, not knowing if that was okay to be
revealing that type of thing to them.
"Awww, such a good boy," Tanya said sweetly, patting my face. Irina and Tia
rolled their eyes and turned away to that dance floor as they began to chat
about another topic entirely, while Tanya and I continued to discuss my
relationship with Bella.
Tanya downed her drink in a swift gulp. "How does that work, anyway?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, taking a sip of my own drink.
"Having a girlfriend that you can't like…be with," she clarified.
"Honestly, it fucking sucks, but Bella's an angel and she puts up with more
shit than I'm worth. Sometimes I don't even know what the hell she sees in
me. I have nothing to offer her but material things, and I know she'd much
rather have a fucking hug than a new purse," I answered honestly. "Well, she
likes shoes a hell of a lot, so maybe she'd prefer a new pair boots over a hug
from me, I don't know," I chuckled, completely kidding. I knew exactly
where Bella stood and I was definitely a lucky motherfucker for her patience
as well as her presence in my life.
"I like her already," Tanya said with a grin. "I should take her out with us…
show her college life, and the real way to party in college!" Tia and Irina
must have heard that part because they clinked their glasses with some
unitary girl power shit before cheering with Tanya.
"She'll never want to come back home to that shitty little Bumfuck Nowhere
town you live in." I rolled my eyes, even though she was probably right. I
bet once Bella got a taste of life outside of Forks again, she wouldn't want to
stick around too long. That thought, for a moment… scared the fuck out of
me.
"Oh, hell no you don't. Bella's a good girl…she doesn't need to be corrupted
with sordid tales of your sorority orgies," I laughed. I must have hit the nail
on the head, because the girls squealed and clinked their glasses again in
agreement. "Seriously, behave around her, she's a sweetheart and you're
going to scare her," I warned with a pointed glance, making sure none of
them frightened her off. Bella could be tough when she needed to be, but she
was still really naïve to some extent, and truthfully, I rather liked the idea
that she was so inexperienced in a lot of areas. It would be both my honor
and pleasure to be the one to experience those things with her or to her
which ever the case may be.
I took a few steps back toward the railing when I felt the liquor really hit me.
My hands and lips were almost numb and it felt really fucking good and
relaxing just listening to the music and hanging with old friends a lot like I
used to. It had been so long since I had witnessed a glimpse of this person…
Eddie Masen. I thought the popular, social, fun kid who drew a crowd and
was at ease with everyone had died back in Chicago. But just for tonight, a
little bit of that guy seemed to have been resurrected…and I had no intention
of putting him back into his grave just yet.
Irina struck up a conversation, asking about Jasper and Emmett and my
parents, and what our plans for Christmas were. I asked about her parents,
and about college life in general. They seemed like they were doing a hell of
a lot more partying than studying.
"Oh hey…let me get a picture of you for my phone ID," Tanya said,
snapping a photo of me with a shit-eating grin on my face. Then she leaned
against me as she extended her hand out to take one of us together. She
stumbled on her heel, shoving against the table a little, causing Bella's drink
to splash. It was almost empty, so I slid it to the end of the table as a signal
for the waitress to bring another.
I slid my hand over my eyes, turning outward looking for Bella again. When
I pulled out my phone to see what time it was, I realized she'd been gone for
almost a half an hour and I was definitely getting worried. I sent her a text:
Where R U?
Her reply:
Watching you get molested by 3 whores.
Molested? What the hell? I looked up, quickly meeting her gaze. She was
standing against a column at the top of the stairs, just watching me, all of the
silver sparkles in her top reflecting the multicolored strobe lights from the
ceiling. It was rather fucked up really, but then by the tone of her reply text,
she evidently had no idea why these random girls were at our table all of
sudden. I could only imagine what that looked like to her.
As I strolled over, I could see by her posture, her glassy eyes and her
expression that she was not only drunk, but extremely pissed. I had a feeling
that this was going to be a conversation I should probably have with my
hands covering my balls.
I took a few steps closer to her. "What's going on, Baby?" I asked, wishing I
could grab her around her waist and kiss her with everything I had. Liquor
only exacerbated the intense physical need I had for her. I wanted
desperately to feel her against me…her body and her mouth and her tits
under my fingers… I fucking missed her. Instead, I shoved my hands in my
pockets to keep them from accidentally roaming in my inebriated state.
She nodded toward the table, her attitude blatantly evident.
Fuck.
I had never seen her like this before, though something told me as sweet as
Bella was, she had a ferocious side to her. "Who are they?" she asked, her
voice sounding tired and rough.
"Um…that's um…Irina and Tanya and um…Tia, I think she said her name
was, I can't remember. You know, my parents friends…daughters."
Did that come out right? Is that even that girl's name? Fuck…I should really
be more observant.
"Come on…I'll introduce you," I said, waving my hand for her to follow me.
I felt like such a douche for not being able to hold her hand or drape my arm
around her waist.
She huffed irritatedly crossing her arms across her chest. "Tanya…the girl
you lost your virginity to? No thanks, I'd rather not."
Fuck…I suppose I was stupid and naïve enough to think that Bella would be
cool meeting them. I honestly didn't think this would have been a problem. I
mean, I had no feelings other than friendship for the girl. Yeah, I slept with
her a year and a half ago, but it wasn't like we made love or anything. If I
were sober I would probably have thought it out more thoroughly, but I was
fucked up and feeling so good that I didn't really take Bella's apprehensive
feelings about meeting Tanya into concern. I considered Tanya a long time
friend, so it didn't really occur to me that Bella would think of her as
anything other than that.
Shit…what was I supposed to do now? They are at our table, making
themselves comfortable. I should just ask them to go. God, that's so rude.
Fuck what do I do, what do I do? Why is this even a problem? She's just a
fucking friend whom I've known since I was five years old…
"What's the problem? Oh come on, Beautiful, don't be like that. They're just
friends…please, come meet them."I smiled at her warmly, watching as she
nervously ran her fingers over the strap of her purse while hoping she would
just concede and come with me. I decided I would hint around for the girls
to leave after a few minutes, once Bella was introduced. I thought it would
be good for her to at least be introduced to Tanya and Irina, because they
were bound to have to interact at some family function in the future.
To my relief, she eventually nodded and followed behind me. I was so proud
to introduce her to them. I mean, the girl was not only fucking beautiful, but
she was mine and it just made me feel like such a man for once being able to
show her off.
"This is my girlfriend, Bella," I said, my voice embarrassingly brimming
with pride. "Love, this is Tanya," I said, pointing to Tanya. Tanya stood,
towering over my little Bella, as they shook hands and exchanged
pleasantries.
I introduced Irina first and then Tia, and like a dumbass, I stumbled over her
name.
"Oh good, she found us!" Irina exclaimed before saying excuse me as she
slipped her body cautiously between Bella and I to grab her drink off the
tray that the waitress had been carrying. Evidently, the waitress had been
searching by the bar for them when they disappeared up to the VIP section.
I ordered another round, adding additional drinks for Bella and myself as
well, while I paid for the girls drinks. I probably should have been running a
tab, but I wasn't exactly sure how that worked and it was probably a
dumbass idea to call my dad to ask him.
"She's gorgeous," Tanya whispered.
"Yes, she is," I laughed, narrowing my eyes. "Don't even think of hitting on
her," I teased, only half kidding. I knew Tanya was into some funky shit by
the stories she told, as well as by the 'colorful' pictures she had posted on her
Facebook page. That…was why I didn't want her influencing Bella. Not that
the thought of Bella being into girls didn't cross my mind a few hundred
times. I mean, she could get her release… and I could watch…
"I wouldn't dare, Jackass! I am afraid to even talk to her now that you've got
me all scared that I am going to damage her with my depraved lifestyle," she
winked, playfully swatting me on the arm. Bella did that when I first met
her. I wondered what was up with chicks and hitting guys on the arm. If I
ever swatted a girl, I would probably get arrested for assault and battery.
Bella began chatting with Irina at the table while Tanya mentioned how
excited she was about my mom having another baby. Evidently, Tia's mom
had had another baby a few years ago and she was telling me about how the
baby was diagnosed with a heart defect and he had to see special doctors for
a heart transplant. I was mesmerized by the way she spoke of her brother,
almost teary eyed. She obviously felt a lot of fucking love for him. I knew
that I would feel the same when my brother or sister was born, and I couldn't
wait.
I was impressed how easily Bella seemed to fit in, and I loved that she was
able to easily make conversation with Irina. They did have a certain amount
in common, what being into fashion and girlie shit. I didn't blame her for not
making an attempt to engage in a conversation with Tanya just yet. It was
probably a little awkward, at least for Bella. Tanya, I am sure, had no qualms
about it.
Bella came over by us after a while, seeming completely bored with our
conversation. Every now and then, she would comment on something, but I
thought that she seemed tired and irritable, which was odd, but likely
because of the alcohol. Then it occurred to me that I hadn't really seen her
drink that much hard liquor before, as she was usually a beer drinker. I had
no idea what the effects of the antidepressants and vodka were going to do to
her. If anything happened to her, it would be entirely my fucking fault.
Jesus Christ… another thing on my shoulders.
Showing obvious disinterest, Bella walked over to the railing and began
dancing to the music blaring out of the speakers below. Irina was rattling on
about something having to do with her car, but I was bored with the topic
and really wanted to be alone with Bella. I was about to hint around that
Bella and I were on a date and that they should go, but the waitress came
with a fresh round of drinks and I just felt awkward and shitty about asking
them to leave. My mother would be horrified by my impoliteness.
Before I could even say anything, the lights dimmed and New Moon came
back on to the stage. I quickly moved next to Bella, as Tanya and the girls
stood to the side of me.
I gave Bella her drink leaning in to whisper "I love you," in her ear. She
smiled sweetly, whispering it back then turned to the show again. She
seemed so out of it, donning droopy lids over tired, glassy eyes, and she just
looked incredibly annoyed. Maybe she was getting her period? I had no
fucking idea. But I did notice that Bella's martini glass was empty and I was
officially cutting her off.
Tanya leaned up to whisper in my ear, "Is Bella okay? She's really quiet,
huh? Oops, whoa…" Her hand gripped my shoulder steadying herself. She
was slurring and swaying.
"You are loaded," I said, chuckling at her. "I think she's just really tired. It
was a long drive."
"Are you okay, Love?" I asked. Bella nodded without looking at me. She
just bobbed her head to the music and moved her feet along with the beat.
This girl was so fucking beautiful, I couldn't wait to get her alone…though I
was glad she was having a good time.
Tanya squeezed my arm, squealing, "Aren't you so glad I turned you onto
New Moon? They are so fucking awesome!" I responded by laughing at her
enthusiasm, and her drunkenness. She leaned over, rubbing the surface of
my ring.
"Lemme see." Moving my hand into the light, she gasped and snickered,
"Please tell me this isn't an Abstinence ring! I thought that was only for
virgins."
Shrugging my shoulders and leaning in to her ear as to not announce it to the
whole club, I responded, "It is a way to throw everyone off as to why we
never touch. Believe me, that last thing we would be practicing is abstinence
if things were different." Tanya smirked giving me a little wink.
Bella continued gazing straight ahead, grooving to the music and clapping
after each song. I wanted so badly to hold her waist and kiss her, but I was
so fucking afraid to in this big of a place. Obviously, with running into
Tanya and her sister, I could never truly be prepared for who was lurking just
around the corner.
Tanya leaned in, holding onto my shoulder for support. "Hey, what are you
guys doing after this? We were going to head to a club downtown. You guys
should totally come with."
"Yeah, thanks, but we have other plans," I said, smirking a little too hard as
the image of Bella's little red panties and the vibrator came into my mind.
The sounds she would make as I made her come made me hard just thinking
about it.
"Yeah, yeah I get it," she said with a knowing smile, scratching the back of
my head. It was an odd gesture, but Tanya was an affectionate person in
general, and apparently even more so when she was drunk. Tanya leaned
over the railing at Bella. She smiled at her and whispered into my ear again,
"I don't think you're getting lucky tonight, Eddie. She looks like she's gonna
pass out any second. Oh, shit… did you two want some privacy? We just
totally crashed your date!"
"Don't worry about it. I don't think we're staying much longer anyway."
Bella didn't seem to mind, and though yeah, they did crash the date, I didn't
think it was that big of a deal.
I was just about to ask Bella if she wanted to get going, but suddenly her
hand was on top of mine. The gesture was slow and deliberate as she curled
her tiny fingers over the top of my hand. I withdrew mechanically, because I
was on autopilot when it came to Bella. Now that we were always together,
it was a little obvious that were more than friends and I was overly
concerned at how that appeared to anyone on the outside. I'd be damned if I
was going to get pinned for a sexual encounter when I hadn't done a damn
thing to earn it.
It was weird, because I had to be two people in that moment. I was
restraining Order Edward with Bella on my left and Normal Eddie with
Tanya on my right. It was confusing and a little more than fucked up.
As I snapped back my hand abruptly, I looked at her with disbelief. In three
months, Bella had never once purposely touched me in public. I was feeling
the urgent need to be intimate with her as well, but I had enough restraint to
wait until we got back to the hotel. She was definitely drunk and done for
the night.
She stood up on her tip toes, leaning to whisper in my ear. I bend down
slightly to meet her height, taking in her perfume and chocolate martini and
God she smelled fucking great. She slurred, "Hey E? If she fucking touches
you again, I am going to punch her in her fucking ugly cock sucking mouth."
Whoa…And we're officially done for the evening.
If I were more responsible, I would have stopped her alcohol consumption
back at number two, because this was obviously dangerous. The alcohol
seemed to have had created a Bella that was antagonistic with a little touch
of crazy. I was kind of scared, actually. I figured we'd say good night, head
back to the hotel, and if she hadn't fallen asleep on the way, I could make her
feel good once we got back. Hell, hearing her scream my name was better
than any fucking concert.
"Uh…maybe you should call it a night, Baby. You are definitely drunk and
more than a little hostile and as much as I might enjoy it, I don't feel like
breaking up a cat fight right now." I snickered, because that really would be
sort of fun…though I knew Emmett would be very sad to have missed it. He
was always up for a good girl fight.
Her face fell instantly, to my utter disappointment. Perhaps I was mistaken,
but I thought she was looking forward to being with me and the little purple
vibe.
"If that's what makes you happy, E…I'll go," she said, her voice cracking
with the onslaught of tears. "You can stay here with your harem of whores
and let them caress you all over. I don't want to ruin that experience for you,
being underage and all." She turned grabbing her purse off the table and
mumbled something I didn't understand as she flew down the aisle toward
the stairs.
I had no idea what the fuck had just happened.
"Bella?" She slipped on the stairs and some guy helped right her. "Fuck…
Uh, I… gotta go!" I said to the girls with a wave as I bolted down the stairs
after her. "Bella…Bella!" I called as loud as I could, but between the band's
lead singer screaming and the wailing guitar, she couldn't hear me. And for a
tiny drunk chick in high heels, she was fucking fast. I completely lost her in
the crowd, trying to make my way to the front of the club.
I slipped my hand in my back pocket, pulling out the coat check ticket,
because I knew it was fucking cold out there and Bella only had on a thin
top. Besides, our hotel key was in my inside pocket and we wouldn't be able
to get in past the lobby without it.
Slapping the ticket and a twenty on the counter, I yelled, "Hurry please!"
While the startled girl retrieved our coats, I ran outside the front entrance
frantically looking for Bella, hoping she wasn't able to catch a cab. I saw her
stumble into a nearby apartment building stairwell and I assumed she sat
down. After running back inside and quickly grabbing our coats, I shrugged
my arms into the sleeves, heading down the block to the staircase. I could
see her little gray boots peeking out from behind the wall.
The second I saw her, I felt my whole body shift out of the panic and the
guilt that I had been feeling for letting her get so ahead of me. Her cheek
was resting on her knees as the smoke from the cigarette she was taking a
drag of wafted above her head. I draped her coat over her shoulders and then
she gazed yup at me, her face tearstained and sullen. Upon seeing her crying,
alone on that pavement, so unnecessarily…it was just so fucking reckless of
her to walk out on me like that. I couldn't hold back the anger that exploded
to the surface.
"Jesus fuck, Bella! What the hell is wrong with you?" I yelled, not able to
control the onslaught of emotions that were overwhelming me. God knows
what the hell could have happened to her. In her state she could have been
fucking assaulted or something.
I crouched down trying to make eye contact with her, hopefully to find out
what the hell she was so upset about.
"Just leave me alone, Edward. Go back inside to Tanya. You were having
such a good time with them…I can't bear to see your night ruined because of
me."
What. The. Hell? I suddenly felt as though I was on the verge of insanity,
trapped in a parallel universe or something.
Shit… I wished I hadn't been so fucked up at that moment. It was difficult to
focus, never mind steady myself in a crouching position. This was
completely fucked up, because she seemed fine the whole time and then she
appeared just kind of tired up until the outburst concerning Tanya.
"You are insane, you know that?" I seethed in complete disbelief. Was she
seriously jealous? "Bella, she means nothing to me. Those girls are just old
friends…why are you being like this?"
As she stood, putting on her coat, I unfurled from my wobbly crouch to
stand as well. She was on the second step so Bella and I were actually at eye
level. The tears that were streaming from her face were killing me. I couldn't
understand why she was hurting or what I had done to make her feel like
that. I wasn't insinuating that she leave by herself…just that she was drunk
and that we should go home…together.
Through angry tears, Bella spat, "I understand that she is 18 and she can hug
and kiss you but, really…do you have to have to rub my face in it? Do you
have any idea how shitty that made me feel to see those girls all over you…
especially Tanya, a girl who you fucked…and then when I went to touch
your hand, you pulled away? Do you have any idea how that made me feel?"
Her face was streaming with black tears, and I wished I had a tissue to wipe
them away for her. It fucking gutted me to see her cry, especially knowing
that I was the one inflicting her pain.
The second she said the words out loud, I realized what her earlier rant had
actually meant. She was pissed that Tanya had been touching me. It hadn't
even for a second occurred to me. I thought of Tanya as I had thought of my
mom or Maggie or a teacher at school… someone harmless, permissible and
totally benign.
But to Bella…Tanya was a threat…competition...the enemy. It hadn't even
occurred to me that she would be pissed about Tanya being able to touch me.
But it made no sense to me. Bella knew how much I loved her. Didn't she? It
was at that point that I began to second guess myself. I thought I had tried to
show her how much she meant to me in every way possible that I could. I
couldn't understand why the hell she was so insecure about the intensity of
what I felt for her…the lengths I would go to make her happy.
I apologized immediately, feeling so fucking lame and shitty for not
realizing it before. Spewing out the story of the why I was holding back
from her, I knew I should have told her the truth sooner, but I didn't want to
freak her out. But she couldn't possibly be pissed at me because I pulled
away from her. She knew what the ramifications of touching me would do.
And honestly, she was pissed that Tanya and the girls who were of age could
touch me? Like that was anything I could control? So basically, she was
alluding to the fact that if she couldn't touch me than no one could. Did she
not want my mom or my grandmother to hug or kiss me either?
Who was this girl sitting here in front of me? Not my Bella. My Bella
wanted me to be happy and loved. This Bella… well, she was being a bit of
a selfish bitch. I honestly had no idea she had it in her.
Then… I got pissed, because she was bitching to me about something I had
no control over. And that for once in a fucking year I was able to react like a
normal person with old friends of mine that I hadn't seen in ages. It was so
fucking unfair and a little selfish of her I had to think.
"Well fuck…I'm sorry if I was being a little inconsiderate of your feelings,
Bella but did you ever think that for ten fucking minutes inside that club, I
was able to feel like a normal guy without having to flinch or push anyone
away? They are over eighteen, legally…I don't have to stay away from
them." I thought that explaining it to her aloud would aid the situation…but
of course, I was dead wrong.
And that was the last thing I should have said, because to her I was just an
insensitive asshole. But to me, yeah, it was a shitty defense, but it was
honest. I hadn't felt that normal, being around a group of people and being
able to be completely myself in so long. I may have taken advantage of the
opportunity subconsciously. It wasn't as though I had any experience with
this shit. I had no fucking clue what I was doing and I lived on a day-to-day
basis with whatever was handed to me. I felt goddamn good for a change so
I took advantage of it. Fucking sue me.
I mean, it was an opportunity for me to show Bella that I didn't always have
to be this enormous freak- that I could go out in public and act like a normal
person without having to hide in a fucking corner cowering in fear all night.
Part of me wanted her to see that if she chose to be with me then eventually
life would be normal, and I could be around her friends without feeling
constant discomfort.
All I wanted was to feel normal…and for one fucking night… I actually did.
She went on and on, yelling and ranting about how I was an inconsiderate
bastard and I should have been more aware of her feelings. And fuck if she
wasn't right about that. But I was so clueless that I didn't even see it. I was
ashamed that I couldn't even determine my own girlfriends moods and I felt
like such a dick for it. And at that point I couldn't help it…she was telling
me how I should go find someone else that I could actually be with, alluding
to the fact that I didn't want her enough.
And then I fucking lost it, because I never ever wanted her to feel that I
didn't want her enough. She was all I fucking wanted.
I attacked Bella with my mouth and my hands, not giving a fuck about who
saw. I needed her to know that I was willing to give up everything- my
fucking freedom and fucking civil rights to let her know for absolute certain
that I loved her with all my heart. Again, another asshole move, because
Bella would get into trouble as well and that wasn't something I thought of at
the time.
Bella did things to me that I couldn't explain or rationalize. She brought out
these carnal, raw feelings and emotions that were undiscovered and novel
and begging to be explored. I couldn't hold back…the need to have her …to
make her understand how much I fucking loved her…was crippling.
"I want you so fucking bad, so fucking bad," I breathed as I sucked on her
neck, rubbing my cock against her pussy. I was in heaven and hell
simultaneously because in the back of my mind I couldn't really enjoy the
divine experience knowing that if I got caught we were both severely
fucked.
I told her I loved her and that I would go to jail for her. Because it was
fucking true. I would do it in a heartbeat, if that's what she needed to feel my
love for her wholly.
But that reality hit her hard as she puked up her fear onto the sidewalk. And
then I felt impossibly worse because not only had I fucking scared her, but I
made her feel threatened by a girl who meant nothing to me, attacked her,
and basically ruined her whole damn night. I just felt like a royal fuck up
and I hated myself for not being able to determine that she was upset…
needlessly as it may have been.
I wanted to hold her in the cab and tell her everything would be okay, but I
didn't know if that was even remotely true, so it felt worse creating a lie just
to console her. I paid the cabby and then we made our way to the 10th floor
with as much grace as the situation would allow. I helped her as much as I
legally could, though it wasn't a great deal. And I was so fucking thrown off
kilter because not ten minutes prior, I was mauling the girl up against a wall,
and now I was back to remaining a foot away from her at all times.
She couldn't even fucking make eye contact with me, she was so pissed off.
These moments...these stupid moments were the hardest on me. I could
control my sexual thoughts and actions but I had a really hard fucking time
reining in my protectiveness over her. I wanted to pick her up and carry her
to our room, cradled in the shield of my arms. After all, it was my
responsibility to take care of her. Drunk or not...she was mine and I needed
to protect her, even if it was from herself.
After she passed out on the bed, I took a warm facecloth, slowly and
carefully wiping away the messy tears that resulted because of me.
I whispered, "I'm so sorry my sweet girl," before I changed her clothes and
made sure she was on her stomach so she wouldn't choke if she threw up
again. I thought how ironic it was that the first time I undressed her she was
unconscious. As for her little red thong, well… I swear I heard it laugh at me
and call me a loser. I was fucking losing my mind.
I changed into sweats and passed out on the other bed, not knowing if she
was even able to stand the sight of me after making her feel unwanted. It
was stupid, because what I should have done was snuggle her up in my arms
and hold her until she woke up, so that she knew she was the only person I
wanted to be near.
I slept like shit, tossing and turning all night, waking from vivid dreams of
Bella leaving me and telling me that I ruined her life. I woke to my phone
buzzing with message alerts. One was a text from Jasper asking to join him
and Alice for breakfast before checkout. Even in his text he sounded happy. I
was honestly glad for them both, though I was hoping that they would be
able to contain their excitement until the car ride was done, for Bella's sake.
It would hurt her to hear Alice and Jasper so happy discussing their night out
when we couldn't even go on a normal date without me fucking it up.
The other text was from Tanya. I didn't even look at it until after I had
showered and dressed and came back from the lobby with coffee and Advil.
The text just said she was worried after I left abruptly last night. I slipped
outside to smoke a cigarette and quickly text her back, but the phone rang
before I could type anything in.
Honestly, this was fucking hard. I was nervous about even talking to her like
that because I felt as though it was a kind of betrayal against Bella after last
night. We hadn't talked things over and I had no idea if she would still even
want to continue this…whatever it was that we had.
I tried keeping my voice hushed, as I felt like shit almost sneaking to talk to
Tanya, at the same time, I felt even shittier because upon giving Bella the
courtesy she deserved, it looked as though I was trying to hide talking to her
to begin with…which I wasn't. I was so fucking confused. Again… paying
for a sin I hadn't actually committed.
Tanya expressed her concern and I thanked her for it, explaining that Bella
was just really upset about the fact that Tanya was able to touch me. Tanya
was legitimately taken back by this, considering any time she had touched
me was completely innocent because we were totally just friends and
nothing more. She thought it was a definite overreaction on Bella's part but
she did understand where Bella was coming from to a certain extent, as did
I. She offered to talk to her, to set the record straight, but at this moment I
didn't feel that was the best plan.
Tanya apologized asking me to please let Bella know that she was very sorry
for making her uncomfortable. I didn't know if I should relay the message to
Bella, because I thought that just mentioning her name would only aggravate
the problem. She would realize that I had talked with her and again in some
sort of parallel universe betrayed her trust. However, I didn't even know if
she would even be speaking to me once she woke.
When I went back inside, Bella was awake and looking like she was hit by a
bus, yet she was still fucking beautiful. We talked things out a bit, expressing
our love for one another, but neither of us still not having a fucking clue as
to what to do with any of the shit that was constantly thrown our way. The
both of us were so damn new at relationships in general, never mind one
with such repressive restrictions attached to it. When I started this with
Bella, I knew damn well it wouldn't be without its difficulties, but this was
becoming harder than I ever thought possible. And it was only just the
beginning.
Needless to say, the relief I felt at hearing Bella adamant about wanting to
continue to love me was enough to rock my world, because the reality of
losing her was decimating to me.
Regardless of my actions, Bella forgave me of my stupidity, and I absolved
her for jumping to conclusions and making false assumptions. And while I
had a hard time completely comprehending her severe reaction, I did
understand how I felt when Jasper kissed her and Newton's slimy hands
were on her at Halloween. I fucking got it. The only difference was that I
knew Tanya wasn't anything more than a friend to me, despite the fact that
we had history. Jasper and Mike, well…they had ulterior motives that I
knew were not of a friendly nature.
I was still a little annoyed that she would think I would purposely flaunt
Tanya's ability to touch me in front of her. Truly, I didn't really appreciate
being doubted, because I felt as though I was extending every effort to show
Bella love and affection in the best way I could. Nevertheless, I could see
how she felt from her perspective, and I suppose my hurting her
unknowingly was just another fucking life lesson to be learned. I don't think
I could have really stood by and watched some guy I didn't know paw at
Bella. I was a protective stingy motherfucker that way.
So, I suppose it was true what they said about walking in someone else's
shoes. I knew damn straight that I could even stand in Bella's heels let alone
walk in them.
I was a smart guy, I knew that. But when it came to relationships and women
as a whole…I was a complete and utter fucking moron.
~%~
As much as the aftermath of that was awkward, uncomfortable, and
unresolved, Bella and I found ourselves able to forgive our fatuous actions
and push things aside for the time being. As I drove toward Forks, I relished
in the quiet that was an obviously very satiated and exhausted Alice, thanks
to Jasper's "good lovin" (or as he so eloquently phrased it- fucking her into a
silent stupor).
My thoughts drifted away to images that led to smirks and smiles, followed
by the intense heated swirl in my groin that accompanied my never ceasing
hard on. Every few minutes or so, lascivious thoughts of me pushing Bella
against that wall invaded whatever I was doing at the particular moment…
the sounds she made as my mouth assaulted hers, and the way the heat of her
pussy felt as it rubbed along my cock. That feeling….the way her heat made
me shake and the way her scent filled my brain and how the softness of her
skin met the roughness of my forceful nips and bites…I will never forget
that as long as I live.
Insanely stupid as it was, I couldn't bring myself to regret my actions in
attacking her, because for one, I desperately needed her to see what she
meant to me, and two…I loved this girl more than the air I breathed and the
fact that I couldn't be physically inside her was crippling at times. At least I
knew…she knew… that when we were finally able to be together, skin on
skin and wet heat mixed with raw desire and intense emotion, that it would
be worth every minute that we withstood being intimate. Because wouldn't
that be so fucked up if we waited two years only to discover that there was
no sexual chemistry or compatibility between us?
Yeah…that would so fucking suck.
After the stressed out drive home, Bella and I went our own ways, silently
agreeing to a reprieve from one another, though it wasn't what I wanted at
all. She made up some excuse about having Spanish and math homework,
but when I mentioned it to Em and Rose, they both admitted that there was
no assignment for either class, so I knew Bella was lying to me. As much as
I wanted to, I didn't question her actions because if she didn't want to hurt
my feelings by needing to be alone, then I would have to respect that.
After school the next day, Bella and I had talked everything out, rehashing
both of our sides to one another. I truly had no idea that she had felt
excluded, and then I felt like shit, because I knew the girls probably had left
her out of the conversation, not wanting to offend or corrupt her as I had
warned them. The whole fucking thing was my entire fault, and I truly wish
I had never even invited them up to the table.
Even though things did get a bit heated, we both amicably decided that in
our own rights we were justifiable in our actions regarding the night of the
club. I made her promise me that in the future when I did something that
made her uncomfortable or pissed off that she would never lie or omit to me
again. Bella said that her ultimatum regarding Tanya still stood, regardless if
she was obligated to be at a family event with me. It seemed that Bella
wasn't opposed to me having a friendship or whatever with Tanya by phone
or internet, but she "didn't want that bitch touching me if she couldn't."
I suppose that was fair.
But that night I called her to tell her good night and she got all weird and
quiet. Bella was generally chatty and rarely at a loss for conversation, so like
a naughty toddler having gone quiet, I knew that her silence could only lead
to no good.
"E…I need you to tell me about you and Tanya," she finally said quietly.
I huffed exaggeratedly, quite fucking irritated to say the least because by that
point it was all overly redundant and truly getting annoying. "Beautiful,
we've been through this before I told you they came up and they …"
"No, no," she cut me off with a click of her tongue to the roof of her mouth.
"I mean on the cruise. Tell me what happened between you two."
I hesitated, trying to absorb what she was really asking me. After
questioning her motives, she explained that she fucking wanted details…a
play by play of my first sexual experience with Tanya.
Kill me right fucking now.
I argued, insisting that she did not want to hear the details, because it would
be hurtful to hear and quite fucking frankly...embarrassing to me. But she
was relentless in her quest, because she thought it was somehow cathartic to
hear me recant the scene so that she could get a visual. Personally, I thought
that she was completely fucking masochistic and enjoyed torturing the both
of us…me in particular as punishment for fucking up her weekend.
Huffing again, I started, "Well, Jasper and I were bored, and just hanging
around. Tanya and Irina came by, bearing a huge bottle of Absolute. We got
drunk, and Jasper and Irina started kissing. And I don't know…I think by
that point me and Tanya just started kissing too, and then…"
"Wait. So watching Jasper and Irina kissing turned you on?"
I practically stuttered. "Uh….I don't fucking know, I guess. I was drunk and
I don't remember."
"Bullshit. You remember fine. Did it turn you on?" she repeated sternly.
I exhaled, muttering softly, "Yes."
Silence.
"So watching other people kiss and stuff gets you going. Humph. Okay so
then what?" It was more like she was repeating it as confirmation to herself,
not necessarily as a question to me.
"Well, we were kind of kissing and she was like…straddling me on the chair
and so I think…" I honestly tried to remember what happened next. "I think
I took off her dress and then I am pretty sure she slid onto the floor and
started…um…giving me a um…"
"Blowjob?" she asked.
Yes, a fucking blowjob. And I sucked on her tits before she slid off of me and
I fucking loved the feeling of pert nipples in my mouth and the sound of a
whimper caused by something I had done and the power I had over her as
she pushed her tits forward for more.
I hated this.
Because honestly, I would give anything for it to have been Bella as my first.
I would give anything to go back and have that memory as one shared by the
girl that I was in love with, not with…whatever the fuck Tanya was to me.
"Bella what the fuck do you want to know this shit for? I mean seriously? I
was fourteen and fucking horny," I snapped.
"Because… I want to know what the hell to do when our time comes,
Edward. I don't want you to look at me like this virginal, inexperienced
pathetic little girl who doesn't have a clue. So at least if I can figure out what
you like and how to do stuff, you won't be bored or …disappointed with me
in two years once our time finally comes."
"Bella, that is so ridiculous. You know what I like. Everything you do makes
me feel good. It's not like I have had so much sex that I can say what I am
into and what I'm not. I have done it four times, and one of them I was
completely unconscious. The other three, I came so fucking fast I couldn't
even enjoy it really. Just stop torturing yourself with this. When our time
comes it will be amazing, I promise."
She groaned, obviously annoyed and impatient with my lack of cooperation
and insolence. "Fine. Whatever. I'm going to bed."
"I love you, Beautiful. And just for the record…one of the things I love
about you is that you are untouched. I love knowing that no one has had
what I will, and that you are all mine."
When she sighed, I could hear the smile in it. "I love you too. Night."
~%~
It was midweek and we were in study hall. We had been instructed by our
guidance counselors to choose an elective to take when the semester ended
after Christmas break, which by the way her parents had given her
permission to spend with me in Chicago and I was fucking psyched for lack
of a better word.
Truth be told, aside from seeing Gran and Gramps, I wasn't thrilled about
going back there. It was extremely unlikely that I would even run into
anyone that I had associated with prior to relocating, but while I would do
my damnedest to avoid it, it was still a possibility. I was nervous as fuck
about it and thanking god I wasn't going to be spending any of the holiday
break without Bella.
"So art is out then?" she asked, crossing a line through one of the choices on
the list she was holding.
"Yeah, my stick figures are pretty shitty, so no art." I slid my notebook
across the table to show her the two stick people I had drawn holding hands.
"Are they throwing up?" she asked, squinting to get a better look.
"No, that's a floating heart indicating that they are in love. It's me and you," I
explained softly adding a cheesy grin.
She squinted again. "That's a heart? It looks like vomit."
I rolled my eyes crumpling up the paper, which she pulled out if my hand to
smooth over. "What else?" I asked tapping my pencil repeatedly on the table
surface. She grabbed the pencil away from me, angrily tossing it into the
corner of the library. I looked at her with mock horror.
"You are annoying the shit out of me with that thing. Anyway…wood shop?"
Bella rolled her eyes and snickered at the mere mention.
"Keep going," I said with a scowl. As if I would ever voluntarily use shop
tools. I was lucky I could use a fucking can opener without shuddering.
Though seeing Bella in little denim shorts and work boots would be too cute.
Discreetly, I pulled a pen out of my bag.
No…no wood shop.
"So I suppose auto mechanics is out as well," she huffed scratching that off
the list.
I scoffed. "Oh, like you would ever willingly choose to be underneath a car."
"True. The only thing I want to be underneath is you. That leaves sewing and
international cooking."
"Yeah?" I asked, playfully caressing her hand with the end of my pen. "You
want me to give you a lube job?" I waggled my eyebrows as she snorted and
gave me a wry smile. I chuckled, "Let's do the cooking class, I guess."
"Okay cool," she responded, closing her notebook shut while giving me a
hesitant yet shy smirk.. "So, uh… speaking of cooking…have you…looked
at the directions yet?"
I gave her a puzzled look before a smirk spread across my face upon
realization of what she was referring to. "Uh… yeah. Utterly fucking
humiliating. But not actually hard… oh and speaking of hard, I'm gonna
need you be present to, uh…keep things…statuesque?" I fumbled for the
correct word, laughing silently at the image of me holding my dick… Jesus.
She clapped her hands, bouncing in her seat like a little kid. "Ooh! I get to
watch? Yes! Can we do it today maybe?"
"Yeah, if you want. But I'm getting high first. Oh, and stop home and get
your red boots." The bell rang and we stood, gathering up our bags.
"And a short skirt," I said, motioning for her to her walk ahead of me.
As we passed out the double doors into the hallway, I leaned into her ear
whispering, "And your red lace thong."
She shuddered and let out a tiny moan and that was how we found ourselves
in my bathroom later that afternoon with my man zone completely bald and
a Create A Mate kit in our possession.
Yeah, as fervently suggested by the instructions, I had to shave the family
jewels. I looked in the mirror to see two bald beauties staring back at me.
My boys looked rather fucking cold at the moment. All I could think about
was how they were going to itch like a motherfucker when the hair started to
grow back in. I had always kept the area neatly manscaped, but I had never
actually ventured into a full on shave.
And I did it high nonetheless.
Bella and I smoked up first because I didn't think I could carry out the most
humiliating task I would ever attempt to accomplish in my whole life
straight. She was sitting on the lid of my toilet in her red boots, legs bare and
pale in a short as sin denim skirt, deliberately flashing me her red panties
while I reread the directions for the fifth goddamn time. She kept bursting
out laughing, making me laugh and while it was funny as fuck, I didn't want
to mess it up because it only came with enough for two molds and I really,
really wanted to get it right the first time.
I had all the equipment laid out neatly and in order of its necessity on the
vanity including the vile of pink glitter that she planned to add to the model
mix at the end, because she was Bella and she thought a pink sparkly replica
of my cock would be a hell of a lot better than one that didn't sparkle.
"Come on, B stop laughing. I am trying to create a masterpiece here," I said
almost whining through chuckles. "Be serious." She covered her mouth
ineffectively, only to giggle some more. "Okay, are you ready or what?" I
asked throwing my hands up in defeat.
"Fine, fine. Just tell me what to do and when you need me," she said
waggling her eyebrows while she suggestively pulled up her skirt a little.
"Not yet, Eager Beaver. He he.. get it…Eager Beaver," I repeated, laughing
at my own joke. I shuddered thinking that I had spent too much time with
Emmett growing up watching Beavis and Butthead on MTV.
Sighing, I picked up the directions again, stifling another laugh as to not get
her riled up again. "Mix powder and water from the Create A Mate Kit," I
mumbled, pouring the white powder into the little dish. "Water should be 75
degrees Fahrenheit." Bella enthusiastically stuck the thermometer into the
measuring cup proving she was an excellent assistant. Once the water cooled
to the correct temperature, I added it to the powder while Bella mixed.
Reading the directions aloud, I continued, "Keep an eye on the mixture and
make sure it doesn't get too hard before you insert your penis." Good God. I
sighed, shaking my head. Where the fuck did my dignity go? Oh yes, I
remember...it went down the drain with my pubes...
"Insert your penis after 2-3 minutes. Just be sure the mixture is not too
hard."
"Jesus…" I mumbled, completely fucking humiliated as Bella deliberately
scooted to the edge of the seat to show me more panty. "You're gonna slip
off the toilet seat."
Bella grinned at me with this cheesy ass smile. She banged her knees
together repeatedly while humming, "The things we do for love," and then
suddenly slipped off the toilet seat onto the floor laughing in a heap.
"Ow. Hey….it's a mock cock!" she exclaimed proudly.
I quirked an eyebrow, watching as she rubbed her elbow and righted herself
back on the seat. "That's very clever, Honey," I said patronizing her as I
rolled my eyes. "You okay?"
She nodded, and I mumbled, "Spazz.While the mixture gets the right
consistency, it is time for you to get erect. It might be a good idea to get
some help. A magazine, girl- or boyfriend might be helpful here. Okay baby
your up," I said biting my lip. This was so fucked up.
"Okay so…do you maybe want a little strip tease?" she asked, standing up
and lifting off her shirt seductively to reveal a red lace bra. "Or, should I just
show you the goods right off?"
"Strip," I commanded with a smirk, as I sat on the edge of the tub. She
looked amazing topless and in that short skirt and I could feel myself
growing hard as I sat there. Bella bit her lip, turning around so that her back
was facing me. She undid the buttons and zipper on her skirt, slowly
shimmying out of it. I watched enraptured as the fabric slid down her pale
legs onto the floor, revealing her sweet little ass covered in only the red lace
that disappeared in between her cheeks.
"Fuck…" I groaned, feeling my cock harden into an impossible state of
rigidity at the sight of her in that state of undress. She was goddamn
amazing...all soft curves and creamy ivory skin against blood red lace. While
it wasn't the first time I had seen her in a thong, it was a new experience for
me to see her undressing seductively…and not from a fucking distance while
having to peek through the goddamn trees. She was right in front of me and
here I was celebrating the occasion by sticking my dick in goo.
Do I know how to throw a party or what?
I reached inside my bathrobe to stroke it a bit. As I did, I rubbed the leaking
fluid into the head, swirling it around with the pad of my thumb. Bella gave
me a little over the shoulder glance before her hands moved to unclasp her
bra.
"No wait!" I yelled, forgetting completely about the next step and the whole
fucking point of this ridiculousness. I slid to the sink, pouring the mixture
into the cylinder, staring at it in disgust as if it had wronged me somehow.
"Come on E, just stick it in before it gets too hard," she urged with a snicker.
That was something I never ever thought I would hear fall from her lips. I
had a feeling she was enjoying this way too much.
I groaned. "Okay, okay. Once it's in, time it for one minute, Beautiful,
okay?"
Bella nodded, grabbing the timer. Her job in this was basically to keep me
hard while the mold solidified around me. I sat back on the edge of the tub,
untying the belt on my robe. The fuzzy black fabric fell around my thighs,
exposing my hardness to my half naked, slightly nutty audience of one,
while I stroked myself a few times in my palm. I wasn't getting any stiffer
than this.
Bella's pretty brown eyes widened, and she whimpered, "So big," taking a
few steps toward me. I snickered at her amazement.
"Here goes," I muttered slipping my dick into the cylinder, feeling the gooey
medium squish around my hardened, aroused dick. It was cooler and funkier
than I had expected, sort of like silly putty that had been left out in the cold.
Kind of fucked up, but whatever. Part of me had been excited because I was
hoping it would sort of resemble being inside an actual pussy but….uh no, it
didn't feel like that at fucking all.
"Does that feel good?" she asked with an honest curiosity in her voice. I
heard the timer gears grind before it began to tick away.
"Nope. Feels really fucked up."
"Oh." Bella's face fell disappointed, as I assumed she was hoping it would be
pleasurable for me as well. How fucking sweet was that in a totally fucked
up and demented way?
At the sex shop, Bella had said she wanted the first thing that was inside her
to be me. Therefore, we were going to attempt the next best thing…a
vibrating rubber replica of me. Oh wait, excuse me…a sparkly, vibrating
rubber replica of me. I didn't think she would even follow through once it
was done, and of course, that was fine with me if she backed out. But
besides the intimacy reasons, it would also serve its purpose as sort of a
preparation for the real thing.
She figured since from what she had heard from her girlfriends, a girl's first
sexual experience was often just painful, uncomfortable and awkward.
Therefore, she thought that "breaking herself in," would make our first time
together more romantic. It sounded good in theory.
We both had wondered if it was considered officially losing one's virginity if
it wasn't a real peen inside there. Admittedly, we Googled it, but came up
dry. I thought about asking my dad, but that conversation was just too
fucking weird.
God help me if anyone ever got a hold of the history on my laptop or my
Amex bill. Thank God, I paid it myself.
"Come here," I said softly, giving her a smile. I leaned back into the tiled
wall still perched in the edge of my never used Whirlpool tub with the
cylinder of magic goo engulfing my supposed manhood. Bella walked
forward only a foot or so away from me, slowly kneeling down on the nubby
throw rug. She smiled, stifling a full blown laugh as her eyes darted to my
putty covered crotch and then back to my eyes. Then she cocked her head to
the side, waiting on her next cue. I rolled my eyes, nodding toward her bra
which she then unhooked, letting the straps fall onto her shoulders. With my
free hand I reached out, gently pulling the lace away from her skin.
"God, you are so fucking perfect," I hissed, feeling heat and tingles in my
dick that I sincerely hoped was just a sexually fueled response to Bella's tits
and not an allergic reaction the molding compound. A little whimper escaped
her lips as she drew her hands up her thighs, grazing her fingertips over the
ridges of her pelvic bones.
"Go ahead, touch them," I breathed, feeling distinctively deprived by this
point. In spite of the fact that my cock was surrounded completely by
something other than my fucking hand for once, I felt no relief against the
aching need to have it stroked or licked or something. Bella brought her
delicate little hands up to her breasts, cupping each of them and lightly
massaging.
"Like this?" she asked softly. I moaned as I felt waves of lustful heat pierce
through my cock and groin, proving that her innocence and her inexperience
was quite far the biggest fucking turn on for me. Not that I was some
fucking expert player or whatever, but the idea of telling her what to do
strongly appealed to the control freak part of my personality.
"Yes, just like that, Beautiful. God, you are so fucking amazing. Pinch your
nipples…" Bella did as I asked, biting her lip seductively while her thumbs
circled each perfectly pert nipple. When she pinched down on them, she
whimpered, throwing her head back in pleasure. One hand moved to graze
her thigh while the other fondled her breast.
"Fuck, baby…touch yourself now…" I instructed, feeling the torturous
constraint on my cock utterly fucking maddening. She sat up on her knees,
slowly moving her panties down, until they were completely off. And just as
her hand moved to her center, the timer went off.
"Shit!" Tugging lightly on the cylinder, the mold released pretty easily,
setting my fully erect cock free. I stood the container right side up on the
vanity as per the instructions, grabbing a wet towel off the sink while
muttering, "Keep going, baby," to Bella.
She started touching herself while I quickly wiped my dick clean of any
residue from the molding compound. With my palm closed tight around the
hardened shaft, I stroked it a bit, feeling absolute relief at the contact before
falling to my knees in front of her. Bella moved backward to lean against the
tub while I moved forward, inches away from her naked body.
With a loud smack of skin on ceramic tile, I splayed my palm against the
wall behind Bella, hovering over her while she spread open her legs and
touched herself. I stroked my cock in the other hand, tugging aggressively in
need of reprieve from the tension.
I growled in the ecstasy of seeing her like so vulnerable and willing. "That's
it, baby touch your clit."
The feeling was predatory and feral and so fucking powerful as I dominated
her tiny form while she curled herself submissively underneath me, obeying
my every command. She looked up at me with wide innocent eyes and I
loved her so much in that moment, for being my girl and putting up with my
shit and being such a fucking trooper…and for making my body feel things
that no one could even get close to how she made me fucking feel.
While I continued to fondle myself rapidly, I could see from where I was
that her pussy was very wet and that turned me on impossibly more, causing
my dick to swell almost to the pint of being painful. Little whimpers escaped
her lips, light and breathy; obviously showing that she was heavily aroused.
My robe fell to the floor around me, while I stroked harder and faster feeling
the impending release ready to burst. I knew Bella wasn't even close, but I
also knew that I would help her get off after I came.
When she looked up again, I leaned my face into hers, millimeters from her
lips, feeling the warmth of her breath brush over my mouth.
"I fucking love you," I said through gritted teeth, trying to explain to her that
she was everything to me. Part of me wanted to just say fuck it, and give in
to both of our desires and touch her and please her and make her come with
my own fucking fingers. But I was so goddamn scared. I needed to kiss that
mouth and feel her tongue inside of me, mingling with my own, but I knew
there would be no fucking way I could stop myself or Bella for that matter
because she was proving to need it and crave it just as much as I did, and I
couldn't…I just couldn't…
The red polish on her nails circling her clit had me entranced, my eyes
following her every move. The two of us were breathing heavily, panting
and whimpering with our respective strokes and passes along swollen wet
skin and wanting so much more than we were allowed to give.
Once the crimson tip of her nail disappeared inside of her flesh, her
shoulders lumped forward and she moaned as she fingered herself in rapid
movements. The sight of that was enough to make whatever bit of restraint
or composure I had left go to complete shit.
"Fuck…I'm gonna…cum…" I let out a strained scream, relishing in the
surge of complete depletion of the pressure that had been caged inside of
me. My chest heaved, still hovering over her, as I panted out the last of my
release.
As hard as I tried to contain the emerging streams, I had my eyes closed shut
while I came. I realized that the liquid dripped from my hand all over Bella's
breasts and stomach. I was fucking appalled that I jizzed all over my sweet
girl.
"Shit, Love, I'm sorry…" I moved the sink, washing my hands as quickly as
possible while warming the water over a facecloth. When I brought it back
to her, to clean Bella's skin, she was flushed and still had her fingers inside
of her, though her hand was stilled. As I carefully wiped off her skin
muttering my most sincere apologies, she swiped a finger over the last
creamy wet spot on the swell of her breast and put it into her mouth to taste.
When she smiled, I sat back on my heels, taking her in enraptured and in
awe of her. She was fucking amazing.
"E?" she said softly. "I brought the um…purple vibrator with me. It's in my
bag. Do you think maybe we could…" she didn't even have to say another
word and my ass was hauled across the bathroom into my bedroom,
rummaging through her wasteland of a purse for the damn vibrator. She had
it in a satin drawstring storage bag which I didn't realize had probably come
with it.
I threw on a pair of boxer briefs because I didn't particularly enjoy walking
around with my bald and flaccid cock just swinging all over the place. Once
I retrieved the little tool, I placed one of the accessory heads on it, turned the
power switch on and then off again before slipping it over my pointer finger.
While leaning against the bathroom doorway, I suggestively beckoned her to
come to me with the little rabbit head atop my finger. Bella's face spread into
a wry grin, as she picked herself off the floor and brushed past me to flop on
her back on my bed. I unzipped her boots, carefully peeling off her black
and white striped Wicked Witch of the West or whatever the fuck direction
that bitch flew socks, and watched as she drew her legs up, placing her bare
feet fat on the bedspread with her knees pressed together. Her eyes were
alight with anticipation while at the same time, I though I may have seen a
slight indication of consternation flicker through them.
"Are you ready to feel fucking awesome, Baby?" I said, trying to reassure
her while not allowing her reason to back down. I was selfish in that I
wanted her to feel amazing, for her just as much as for myself. Personally, I
needed to know that this shit would work, and that I could somehow please
her and keep her satisfied while adhering to the rules of my fucking
restraining order. I needed to know, that as a man, I would be able to make
Bella happy and that this would finally offer me a slight reprieve from the
perpetual state of uselessness and inadequacy I felt being called her
boyfriend.
As I flicked the switch on, sitting comfortably between Bella's wide spread
legs, I moaned at the sight of her like this. Her hands rested lazily on her
stomach, and I knew it would be a better experience for her if they were in a
different position.
"Put your hands up over your head, Beautiful," I instructed. Without batting
an eye, she did as I asked without question, completely trusting me. I
fucking loved it. I may not have entirely deserved her trust, but she gave it to
me nevertheless.
My tongue darted out against my lips as I placed the gently buzzing vibrator
along her inner thigh, dragging it slowly…achingly slowly to her center as I
glanced between her bare breasts and her eyes. Bella's eyes grew wide while
her lips parted into a little o, her eyes lids fluttering shut as the vibrator got
closer to her wetness. I touched the bunny ear to her swollen clit and her
body jerked as a gasp left her mouth.
Bella's eyes were intense and smoldering, telling me without words that she
wanted more. And so I gave her more, pressing the vibe to her clit again but
making small circles against her skin.
"Fuck…fuck…shit…" Bella grunted and gasped as the vibrator brought her
to orgasm in like three seconds. The line of her neck as her head arched back
into the bed…open and exposed, left me wanting to suck on it ravenously as
I had done after the concert. The feel of her heated skin on my tongue and
pierced between my teeth had left me craving more of her, wanting
desperately and hungrily to claim her body as my own. She still had faint
reddened tracks left from where my teeth sucked her skin, marking her as
mine.
Mine.
Bella's clenched hands balled up the comforter above her head and I tried
not to obsess over the two fist sized wrinkled spots that would be left as
evidence of her pleasure…the pleasure that I gave her. It was then that I
decided that she could wrinkle the shit out of anything she fucking wanted if
it meant she would get off.
She continued to curse and thrash around underneath my finger that was
barely touching her. I pulled it away temporarily so that she could get some
respite for the intensity. Eventually, it subsided, and her breathing returned
to normal. She licked her lips and met my gaze. I smiled at her, ignoring my
raging hard on that was practically burning in my underwear…this was
about her…all about her.
"Do you want more?" I asked, raising the bunny up enticingly.
She nodded her head vehemently. "Edward…can you…put it inside?"
I felt my body almost collapse inward on itself at her words as my cock
twitched and I felt moisture from my slit leaking onto my underwear.
Quickly, I removed the bunny head to reveal the plain, rounded tip. I clicked
the vibrating motions off, knowing that she would probably need this to be
done slowly, considering that she had never had anything in there before
besides her own little finger. She was wet enough that I wasn't concerned
about lubricant, as all the vibrator packages warned about using. She sucked
in a breath and I brushed it between her glistening lips, grazing the length of
her opening before sliding the tip inside of her an inch or so.
"Wow…" she gasped. I pushed it inside her a little more, feeling her
tightness clench around the plastic surrounding my finger. She was more
than fucking tight…she was hermetically fucking sealed for freshness or
some shit.
"Baby, relax…take deep breaths and let yourself go. If it gets uncomfortable,
I'll stop. Just think of it like my finger inside of you and let me make you
feel good, okay?" She nodded, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.
I felt her insides unclench and relax, allowing my finger to inch forward a
little more. Once I was as far as it would let me go, I pulled out a little and
then pushed back in, just as I would have been doing if it was my bare
finger. She gasped and moaned, bucking her hips up off the bed.
"You like this?" I asked, my eyes boring into hers with intensity unmatched
and my libido was about to shatter. "You like when I fuck you like this? Just
wait baby, wait until it's my fingers inside of you. I am so looking forward to
feeling you come around me…"
She moaned long and breathy, pulsing her hips upward trying to push against
the vibrator inside of her. "Oh God, it feel so good, go faster...please, E."
Moving closer to her, I angled my finger so that it pointed upward, hoping to
hit her g-spot. She yelped, fisting the comforter again and then, as she began
to orgasm, I turned the vibrating mechanism on.
The second the tremors hit her insides, she exploded, thrashing and
screaming like a wild banshee. Her hair was in long tangles around her face
and her skin was flushed pink, a thin sheen of sweat glistening between her
breasts. She begged me to stop, and I didn't want to because I loved having
the power to make her feel good. When I pulled the vibrator out of her, she
rolled onto her side, curling her body into a ball and her chest heaved in
throaty raspy breaths. I pulled the covers over her, saddened by the visual
loss of her perfection, but not quite sure if she needed time alone afterward.
"Are you okay?" I whispered, tentatively. She shook her head yes and began
to giggle. Relief washed over me, taunting me to playfully smack her ass for
making me worried.
"I. Am. Fucking. Amazing."
"Good," I said, sliding off the bed. "It means everything to me to know that I
can make you feel that way, even if it isn't really me doing it, you know?"
"I love you, Edward," she said softly.
I love you, Baby. Okay, I'm going to go make my mock cock, now. If that's
the reaction you have with a stupid vibrator, just wait until you have me
inside of you. Your head is gonna explode." I snickered, and walked into the
bathroom with a cocky smile.
Just twenty four hours later, I pulled out the vibrating rubber dildo from the
mold, flesh colored and sparkly… an otherwise perfect replica of me down
to the fucking veins in the shaft and the slit in the swollen head. I examined
it carefully, holding it up comparatively against the real thing. Admittedly, I
was genuinely impressed by the remarkable authenticity that the package
promised.
Bella took one look at it, all wide eyed and filled with the wonderment a
young virgin feels upon seeing her boyfriend's penis perfectly preserved in a
silicone replica to last until the end of time. She rubbed it against her cheek
as though it were a kitten or some shit, and whispered, "Thank you,
Edward."
"My pleasure, Love." It was the least I could do. I couldn't give her much,
but if that was what she wanted than that was what she got.
Proud and smug as a fucking bastard, I silently wondered if Judge Aro ever
thought in a million years that I, Edward Anthony Masen, "piece of shit –
spoiled rich kid -date rapist extraordinaire," would have found a way around
his shitty unfucking fair bullshit regulations. He may have tried to take away
my life but in actuality, he inadvertently gave me the best thing I could have
asked for. A sweet, beautiful, amazing girl that loved me fiercely regardless
of my many shortcomings.
Fuck you Aro.
My girl's gonna get off on my cock…and I'll never even have to fucking
touch her.
Judge that, you prick motherfucker.
~%~

Have we found some forgiveness for our beloved E?

BTW, the Create A Mate Kit is real. For just $59.99 you can get yourself
a Mock Cock, or a Mock Twat (yes there's one for the ladies too!!!)
Seriously, should I die an unexpected death, someone needs to clean out
my internet search history (That means you, Suzy) My husband will be
devastated to know what depravities his sweet wife was into…either
that or terribly disappointed that he never knew.
Christmas in Chicago is up next.

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Thank you to all my readers for your kind words that make me giddy
and blush. Thank you especially to the girlies on the thread…you guys
are just awesome. Thanks to Becca for proofing and to Suzy for your
brilliance and your loveliness.

High Anxiety
Chapter 24~ My Christmas Wish
I've been good as I could be
Hope that Santa does agree
I'd be happy if he grants my list
You are my Christmas wish
What my heart wants can't be bought
'Cause you are my only thought
You will know when you hear this
You are my Christmas wish
Brenda Terzian~ My Christmas Wish
~Bella~
The hair on the back of my neck stood on end and I shivered in the
expectancy of his sudden close proximity. My body physiologically reacted
to him in that way, and I wondered if it was just because we hardly ever
touched. His warm breath tickled my earlobe as he whispered, "What are
you smiling at?"
Edward leaned over toward me just as Mr. Banner turned his back to the
classroom, intent on further exacerbating his student's carpal tunnel
symptoms. I wiped the smirk off my face shaking my head, copying down
endless notes on a subject that would never be used beyond the doors of the
classroom and forgotten from our memories the minute the chapter
advanced. Mitochondria…like we gave a fuck.
Edward rummaged through my back pack, obviously looking for my
hamburger pad so he could slip me a note. Once he found it, he scrawled his
pen over the surface and slid it toward me.
My peen?
I wrote back, Don't flatter yourself there, Stud. I was smiling about your
Christmas present.
He slipped the paper toward me again after he read it.
You got my peen a Christmas present? Damn... he didn't get you anything.
Yes, he did…he gave me the gift of cloned perfection…but no, I wasn't
thinking about the peen…sorry, baby.
His face fell and he scowled, dutifully going back to his notes. It was a
downright lie. I was actually thinking about the kiss up against the wall the
night of the club, which whenever my mind began to wander, I found myself
there, being rubbed up against and groped and loving it, and regretting
making him stop, because that is all I wanted these days…the ability and the
freedom to do whatever the hell we wanted, whenever the hell we wanted to
do it.
The boy has mad skills when it comes to rubbing up against me in a fit of
torrid lust just to make a point.
That being said, the business card had sat on my desk for more than a week
until I had scrounged up enough nerve to call the number. He remembered
who I was immediately, which made me feel kind of dirty, but flattered in a
demented way. As I explained what I needed to Old Pervy Attorney Grandpa
Frank from the Snow White party, he questioned my supposed hypothetical
situation, but answered me with what I needed in legal layman's terms and
what I was undoubtedly hoping to hear- I would not get into trouble for
making contact with Charlotte, unless I repeatedly harassed her, threatened
her or harmed her in any way. I had no intention of doing any of those. I just
wanted to talk to her.
Score one for the pervy lawyer. He actually put my mind at ease, if only for a
little while. It turned out he was actually very helpful and knowledgeable
and thankfully, he didn't ask too many questions as to why I needed this sort
of info. He asked me again if I wanted to date a sexy grandpa and I reminded
him that he was indeed on a telephone with a minor. He chuckled and told
me to call anytime I needed any help.
Jasper gave me Charlotte's last name all too willingly when I told him I just
wanted to see what she looked like. It wasn't a complete untruth, I was
curious about her physical aspects, but what I really wanted to do was look
her up to see how I could find her once I got to Chicago. I hit up her
Facebook page, which I was very surprised was made public. I couldn't be a
hundred percent sure that it was the Charlotte Harris that ruined Edward's
life, but she was the right age, and she was blonde and well, I fucking hated
her.
I Googled her too, but there wasn't much but some newspaper article about
her winning some citizen's award at school, which I had to scoff at simply
because of the nature of the situation. I was determined to find this girl,
whether I had to deal with her in person, or by written word…something had
to be done. Truthfully, I was scared as fuck to confront her, but there was
really no other option. What I was most fearful of happening, was that
inadvertently, it would get Edward into trouble, and he would hate me for it.
But it was a chance I felt was necessary to take, because Edward deserved a
life more than what he had. The idea of speaking to her in person made me
physically ill, so I tried not to think about it.
On the day the two week holiday break from school started, Edward was
headed to Port Angeles for some last minute shopping with Em and Jasper.
He and I had done most of our shopping online and on a day trip to Seattle,
but he said he needed to pick something up in town. Since we were all flying
out the following morning, Charlie thought it would be a good idea if I had
dinner with him and Maggie, and the Cullens could pick me up at her place
on their way to the airport. I felt guilty protesting the idea, because I would
be spending a whole week with E, but I hated being without him, even for a
day.
Because I didn't want to put a dent in my savings with the expense of
Christmas gifts, I had been working both days of the weekend up until we
left. Billy assigned me double holiday parties dressed as a semi- sexy Mrs.
Claus, an elf, and once even Frosty the Snowman, which if I thought about
the smell of the inside costume, I would become nauseous beyond
comprehension. It was evident, that the last person to use it had been tipping
back the egg nog while on the job, and the faint smell of previous Holiday
party vomit was vile beyond imagination.
Frosty the Snowman was a very happy soul, indeed.
Billy had been so over booked, that when he asked me if I had a friend that
would like a part time gig, I immediately offered up Alice. She was so at
home at the parties and such a natural with the kids, that she was requested
for like ten future birthday parties. Billy added her to the payroll, and Alice
quit her diner job all together. She was happier than a pig in shit and making
triple in two days what she was making in five. Jasper was elated because he
didn't have to wait around for her shifts to end during the week, any more,
though her weekends were pretty much shot.
He understood that the job took a lot of pressure off Alice and her mom and
that made her happier so Jasper was happier. He tried...a lot...to help her
financially by offering to pay for things she was savings towards...a new
purse or her car insurance and stuff, but Mary Alice Brandon was a proud
independent woman. At least that was the message she attempted to convey
before she jammed her tongue down his throat.
Being around Santa Claus so much, I sort of made it habit to pop a squat on
his lap and silently make a wish for the one and only thing I wanted for
Christmas this year…and it was not the boots, though I really did want them,
but not nearly as much as I wanted Edward.
I kept asking God for some kind of divine intervention, but he was obviously
reluctant to assist, so I moved on to Santa. Since I had known about
Edward's situation, I had made it a habit of throwing coins in fountains and
wishing wells, and once on a shooting star and sometimes when the digital
clock read three of the same digits and when we drove over railroad tracks...
It didn't matter, really. Edward and I even pulled apart the wish bone from
Thanksgiving, both wishing for the same thing, though we argued about
canceling each other out, but it was always the same wish…hope for
Edward's freedom. I was desperate.
I figured that if I spoke my wish aloud..."Dear Santa...all I want for
Christmas is for my boyfriend to be able to feel me up"...that it might bring
on more questions and raise a few more red flags than I was able to handle.
So I kept my list short, simple and silent. Plus, most of the Santa's I ran
across were either half doused on Egg nog or just too frigging old to give a
shit...so it served both our purposes. Me-I got a Christmas wish and them,
well… they got a cute little elf on their lap. It was a win -win situation.
When we got to my house after a complete waste of a school day due to the
complete shut down of the students anticipating break, Charlie was there,
packing up some high tech equipment into a duffle bag at the kitchen table.
He greeted us unusually coolly, still brooding over my impending trip to
Chicago, and evidently over the fact that two huge boxes from my mother
had arrived earlier.
Clapping and squealing in excitement, I lunged at them with a knife,
knowing that they were bound to be filled with new clothes and shoes, in
which box number one certainly was. The other box, to my surprise,
contained nothing but Dodgers memorabilia. I rummaged through the
contents wide eyed, not letting Edward see, though he was very curious.
With a smirk, I held up a little pink baseball tee shirt with the number
seventeen emblazoned on the front of it, whose obvious intent was for me.
There was one for Rose and Alice as well.
Edward's smile faded into something akin to trepidation, once he realized
that the box was brimming with baseball stuff. My father peered into the
box, grumbling in protest about that shit being in his house and mumbling
something about the Dodgers sucking ass, particularly their catcher.
Edward rolled his eyes playfully as he looked inside, visibly taking a deep
breath before he pulled out the signed team ball encased in collector's glass.
He said nothing at all, and barely touched any of the items inside, seeming
fearful that they would spark some sort of bad memory or something, I
couldn't quite tell. But as I walked away to go change, I watched him pull
out a ball with a team logo printed on it, and the smirk that feathered at his
lips when he squeezed it in his palm made my heart shudder.
He did this cool maneuver where he literally popped the baseball off his
forearm then caught it in his hand. It was so God damn sexy I almost lost it.
I watched as he shut his eyes shut for just a brief second while he palmed the
baseball before he placed the ball back in the box, carefully shutting the lid.
So much for that inspirational idea. It was worth a shot.
Edward helped me drag my suitcase down the stairs and haul it into Charlie's
SUV.
"Here," I said when we went back inside, pushing a box out from under the
dilapidated Charlie Brown one branched tree my father had set up in the den.
"Here's an early present. It was too big to bring on the plane." Edward's eyes
grew wide as he slid his fingers under the festive wrapping. When the first
glimpse of the writing on the box caught his eye, he broke into laughter,
shaking his head.
"You know me so fucking well, B," he beamed with a huge smile. He liked
it. "I actually was going to buy one, but I never got around to it. Thank you
so much."
"It's a professional one and it heats up in fifteen seconds and doesn't leave
those shiny marks when you press too hard. I mean, it's not the most
romantic gift, but I thought you would like it since ironing gives you some
weird satisfaction."
"I love it and I want to kiss you right now," he said softly, meeting my eyes.
"Next year…or the year after, rather," I said with a sad smile. Attempting to
shift the focus, I handed him a piece of paper with Maggie's address on it, so
he would know where to get me in the morning. We said our quiet goodbyes
in the chill of the front porch, and I watched Edward's beautiful form
disappear through his front door with his brand new garment steamer in
hand.
I drove with Charlie to Seattle that afternoon, dealing with his grunts and
irritated silence on the subject of Phil and his blasphemous baseball
paraphernalia, and the fact that I would spending a week with my boyfriend.
Maggie had prepared an elaborate dinner for us, which I devoured gratefully,
not having a home cooked meal by anyone other than myself in a long time.
After dessert, we exchanged gifts under her Christmas tree, listening to
holiday songs and laughing about the fact that Maggie returned everything
my father got for me and exchanged it with much cooler items. I was truly
appreciative of that, and even though I really liked Maggie, I missed my
mom terribly.
When the doorbell rang at seven am, I jumped up eagerly off my place on
the couch, ready and waiting for Edward. My father kissed my forehead and
embraced me in a hug as though he was sending me off to get married or
something. Edward shook Charlie's hand wishing him a Merry Christmas
and thanking him for letting me accompany him to Chicago. It was sweet.
I smiled as the driver of the black stretch limo took the huge suitcase from
Edward, loading it into the trunk with the rest of the family's luggage. Once
we boarded the plane, seated comfortably in First Class, Edward pulled out
his lap top so we could watch a movie. It wasn't long into the flight when we
hit some turbulence and Emmett turned around in the seat in front of us,
begging his father to switch with him. Carlisle huffed, removed his seatbelt,
and crossed the aisle so that Emmett could sit next to Esme…because he
was scared.
I smirked, trying hard not to let him see, because it was so damn amusing
watching this big jockey guy holding his mother's hand and wincing every
time there was the slightest knock in the air. I did have a lot of nerve because
I was afraid of thunderstorms, after all, but still…it was damn funny.
When the captain announced that we would be landing in about thirty
minutes, I heard Edward inhale and exhale, giving me a meek smile, which
was obviously nothing but an attempt to placate me. I could feel the tension
and anxiety rolling off him in waves. He was doing that thing where he was
rubbing circles in his palms, so I knew he was trying no to lose it.
I asked him if he was okay and he just nodded, leaning over the seat in front
of him, whispering something to his father. As Carlisle discreetly handed
him a pill, Edward whined, "Half? Dad come on…"
When his father refused to give him the full pill, Edward irritatedly took a
long swing of water to swallow the half of the Xanax he was allotted, sitting
back in the seat with a pout. He played with the hem of his shirt, looking sad
and anxious and forlorn even. "Being back here is weird…I'm trying to keep
it together. I'm sorry…"
I nodded. "Don't apologize…It's going to be okay, you'll see."
He smiled, meeting my gaze with sad eyes. "I'm so glad you're here with me,
B."
So was I.
I could tell he desperately needed a hug, but instead I just whispered that I
loved him. He reached out and grabbed the scarf I had on, winding it
through his fingers and that seemed to make things temporarily better.
We drove to Dr. and Mrs. Cullen's lake front home in another stretch limo,
this one being gray. Edward fell asleep on the way there, presumably
because the pill had kicked in, or it could have been that he was pretending
so that he didn't have to see the city once we passed through. Obviously, it
was traumatic for him to be home.
They greeted us warmly at the door, holding each other's hands. They were
both such good looking people in their early sixties, young and vibrant…not
like the stereotypical images of grandparents I had in my head. They were
both graying slightly, but life had treated them well, as neither of them wore
hardly a wrinkle or any apparent sign of old age.
Edward's grandmother hugged each of the boys, but she held Edward the
longest, holding him tightly, as he placed his cheek endearingly at the top of
her head. I could immediately that he was more relaxed and less edgy by this
point, and I wondered if it was the meds, his grandma's hug or both. She
gave me one glance, and insisted I call her Gran when I reached out my hand
to her. Instead, she hugged me too and welcomed me into her home.
The house was gorgeous…warm and bright and cheery with accents of lit
Christmas decorations filling the large open rooms. Straight through to the
sunken living room, the large patio overlooking the lake was visible, making
mornings here likely to be breathtaking. I was looking forward to that very
much.
Emmett, Jasper, and Edward barely had themselves inside the door when
they were yelling and shoving each other out of the way to get to the
staircase. In the scuttle, Jasper tumbled down a few stairs, only to yell, "Do
not take the fire truck, fuckers…it's mine!"
Esme yelled, "Language!" They had been warned several times on the way
over to keep their behavior respectable and their language clean. I suppose
some habits were hard to break.
A fading but genuine, "Sorry Mom," came from Jasper as he disappeared up
the stair case.
Gramps muttered, "Jesus Christ," with an amused chuckle. "Are they ever
going to grow up?"
Esme laughed, nodding for me to go on ahead upstairs. Though the house
was huge, the boys weren't difficult to find, as all I had to do was follow the
noise. Making my way down the long hall, I paused inside the doorway of a
large bedroom where I found Emmett laying with his hands behind his head
lazily on an adult sized police car bed, and Jasper doing the same next to
him on his fire truck shaped bed. Edward was on his side, head propped up
on his elbow lying in a giant red Ferrari. The entire room was custom
decorated for oversized five year olds, and by the unashamed, yet satisfied
looks on their faces, they loved it.
Before anyone could stop me, I pulled out my phone, snapped a pic of the
three of them in their childhood bliss, and sent the pics to Rose and Alice.
Em and Jasper got immediate calls from their respective girlfriends, scolding
them for not calling once they landed. I felt bad, because they should have
been here too.
Once I got settled into my room and unpacked, I brought all the wrapped
gifts downstairs to put under the tree as instructed by Edward. He showed
me the rest of the house, the yard and the gardens, and the den with the ping
pong table that he assured me he would kick my ass at eventually. I had no
doubt of that, but it would still be amusing to watch him do something
athletic, if you could even call ping pong a sport.
We walked down to the lake, shivering as the icy wind bit our faces while
watching the few ducks frolicking in the water who had forgotten to fly
south. We discreetly smoked cigarettes at the shoreline, burying the butts in
the mud and talked about how anxious it made Edward feel to be back home.
He said being at his grandparent's house was comforting though and he
promised not to ruin the trip with his bullshit. I thought the statement was
ridiculous, but since the night after the concert, Edward had been overly
cautious with his words around me and a little self deprecating.
I thought it was his way of repenting for his sins against me…and it was so
unnecessary. Though I appreciated him trying to make up for being an
inconsiderate douche, it was getting to the point where it was on the verge of
annoying me. I had made it clear that I had forgiven him, but I thought that
maybe his behavior proved that he had not yet forgiven himself.
I didn't sleep well that night, being in an unfamiliar place with a big king
sized bed and fluffy down linens swarming around me. There were so many
noises and peculiar sounds coming from the water outside, it kept me up and
awake for hours until I finally got out of bed, threw on Edward's blue hoodie
that I had stolen earlier and went down to the kitchen to get some water. As I
padded through the kitchen on tip toe, the wood floors were cold even
through my socks, making me wish I had brought my ugly pink slippers. I
was too embarrassed to wear them in public, especially to Edward's
grandparent's house.
My mother had given them to me when we left Charlie, because she didn't
want me to walk around barefoot on the hotel floors. I had kept them as a
reminder that things could change at any moment, turning a perfectly
content life upside down at a moments notice. They were worn and sort of
dirty even though I washed them all the time, and they were about two sizes
too small. But they represented the time in my life when I was faced with a
reality that I didn't want to deal with, and by all rights, shouldn't have had to
at such a young age. Leaving my father and my friends and my home and
my school…sacrificing all of what I had to fulfill someone else's dreams and
not being given a choice about it. I suppose I was still somewhat bitter and
maybe even a little resentful of that.
The only lights on in the house were coming from the softly illuminated
Christmas tree in the den. The huge tree was the kind that they would set up
in the department stores- perfectly designed and uniform, with a theme and a
color scheme, beads and ribbons and bows and non- blinking white lights all
underneath a sparkly gold star. I stood at the top of the stairs for a moment,
feeling strange and small in this big unfamiliar house, and sad at the same
time, not really knowing why.
"Hey."
"Jesus Christ!" I said, throwing my hand over my mouth, as to not wake up
the whole house. "You scared me!" In the reflection of the glass doors, I
could see Edward curled up on the couch that had its back facing me. He sat
up, pulling a Christmassy plaid flannel blanket over him.
Sitting on the opposite side of the couch from him, I drew my knees up to
my chin, taking an end of the blanket with me, tenting it over our bodies. It
was so warm under the blanket and it smelled like Edward's fabric softener,
making me feel the instant comfort of home.
"Dude, your hair is completely insane right now," I laughed, pointing to the
poufy, disheveled madness that was sitting on top of his head. He ran a hand
through it, shrugging his shoulders in acquiescence.
"Does it make me look less sexy?" He pursed his lips giving me an arched
eyebrow for effect.
"Um…it makes you look like a deranged serial killer."
Edward squinted as he examined himself in the reflection of the glass
combing through the pouf.
"Fuck… I look a little like Charles Manson," he mumbled.
"I told you. Just forget about it…it's hopeless." I myself, had swirled my
own hair into a bun to trap it and keep the giganticness at bay. Edward, on
the other hand...not so much.
He shrugged, chuckling to himself. "Rapist, murderer…should I go steal
Jasper's weed and add thief to the list?"
"That's so not funny, E," I scolded tersely, wanting to smack him for the
remark.
"I thought it was funny."
I shook my head, biting the inside of my cheek.
"So…couldn't sleep, huh?" he said, leaning back into the arm of the couch.
I nodded. "Weird sounds outside. Plus, I was a little anxious."
"Oh yeah, what about?" he asked softly, cocking his head to the side.
"Well to be honest, I think it was your anxiety that was making me edgy. It's
almost as if I take on your stress and your moods sometimes."
He looked genuinely surprised. "Wow, really? That happens a lot to me with
you too. I wonder if all couples do that, or if we're special."
I shrugged my shoulders, smiling. "Probably all couples do that in some
form, but I'd like to think we're special anyway. Like you know if you cut off
one sense and another becomes heightened? Well, maybe we can feel each
other's emotions better because we don't have the physical part."
Edward looked at me curiously, nodding his head. "Smart and beautiful.
How did I get so fucking lucky?"
"Smart, beautiful and…you forgot to mention my great rack," I said, jutting
out my chest.
"How could I forget?" Edward smirked, smacking himself on the forehead.
"It is a fucking great rack." He made squeezing motions with his hands
while he stared at my breasts. "Hey…you didn't happen to bring it with
you?"
"What?" I asked, "Your Mini Me?" I giggled, thinking about the Clone a
Bone we had made. "No, I wasn't about to let you deflower me at your
grandparents house."
"Mini Me?" he questioned with a quirked eyebrow. "There's nothing mini
about me, thank you very much. Why don't you uh…let me take a peek at
one of those bad boys? Or both…" He nodded to my chest.
"No way!" I whispered. "What if your grandpa came out and saw my boobs?
Then what?"
Edward smirked quirking a very cocky eyebrow at me. "He would say I have
great taste, that's what. Come on, baby…it's Christmas!" He did that pouty
lip thing which was my ultimate kryptonite.
Must resist…
I clicked my tongue on the roof of my mouth and rolled my eyes. "You are
such a boy."
"Come on, please? I'll give you an early present if you give me a sneak
peek." He smirked, knowing that he had me. Damn him!
Placing my finger to my chin in thought, I contemplated this for a moment.,
before I said, "Deal."
I am a gift whore, I can not lie.
I fingered the hem of the sweatshirt tentatively. "Wait...go get the present
first."
Edward huffed, as he slunk off the couch to the tree, rummaging around
underneath until he pulled out my gift. He moved the box toward me before
snatching it back. "One boob, then the gift."
Rolling my eyes and huffing, I lifted the blue fleece of my shirt, to reveal
one bare breast. Edward's eyes widened as he stared, licking his lips as my
nipple perked up from the sudden loss of warmth under its cozy fleece
home. "Oh dear sweet Lord…that is beautiful. You could have just stuck a
bow on that, and it would have been the perfect Christmas gift."
He placed the box gently in my lap as I righted my shirt. "Now you tell me,
after I lugged around that stupid four hundred pound steamer all over the
mall," I teased, sliding my fingers under the perfectly creased paper. "How
long did this take to wrap?"
Edward chuckled, running his hands through his chaotic hair again.
"Seriously? Like a fucking hour and an entire roll of paper. My mom was
pissed. This OCD shit is ridiculous I know, but I just couldn't leave it messy.
I kept trying to get the designs to line up over the crease and there was this
stupid grid on the back of the paper that kept fucking me up and...well, I
took so much time with the inside so…" his voice trailed off, as the paper
fell into my lap.
He was nervous and rambling…
I opened the paper outer carton, pulling out a jewelry box of some sort. It
was black and shiny, shaped like a treasure chest, adorned with pink crystals
in swirly patterns. It was so beautiful and very me.
"Um…it's an antique. The lady in the shop said it was from the nineteen
thirties. One of the stones in missing in the back, but you can't see it unless
you are looking for it. Open it up."
"Edward…it's so pretty," I said in awe. When I lifted the lid, honestly, I was
expecting jewelry or something of that nature. What I got was a million
billion times better. I gazed at him questioningly as I picked up one of the
perfectly cut strips of pink paper, with phrases written on them in Edward's
girlie cursive.
The way your smile lights up a room…
I picked up another.
The butterflies I get in my stomach when I see you first thing in the
morning…
"It's all the things I treasure about you. I know it's corny, but… my mom said
there are three kinds of girls in the world…ones who want the biggest
bouquet of red roses from the best florist, ones who want wildflowers picked
from the side of the road, and ones prefer a rose made from a twisted tissue
because they would just rather have something that took some effort. You
are a little of all three, and the other stuff I got you is just like…material
stuff, so I wanted to give you something…I don't know…from my heart... I
guess?" Edward smiled shyly, seeming a little embarrassed. "It's fucking
corny, I know," he mumbled under his breath.
It was the best gift I had ever gotten- ever.
The way you never hide your intelligence or deliberately play dumb…
The fact that you aren't afraid to eat like a pig in front of me…
The way you take care of me…
I was so moved by the gesture and the fact that he made this from pure love,
it was more than overwhelming and I couldn't find the words that expressed
how much it meant to me. The time it took to not only cut the papers
perfectly, but the thought he put into each sentiment was so sweet and
thoroughly genuine. I suppose I could have been somewhat insulted by the
flower analogy, but it was entirely true, so I had to give Edward credit for
really knowing me.
"E? Can… I…hug you?" I asked softly, hoping that he wouldn't reject my
advance. His teeth raked over his bottom lip slowly. When he nodded and
smiled, I sat up and launched myself into his lap; arms around his neck,
burying my face in his shoulder. His skin was warm and soft and he smelled
all soapy with the faint scent of his cologne and powdery fabric softener and
it was heaven. I nuzzled my nose into his neck placing a tiny kiss under his
ear. He sighed into my forehead as his arms tightened around my waist.
I drew in a deep breath, whispering, "I love you," against his skin. Edward
leaned his head into mine, kissing my hair and running his hands up my
back. It was so little yet so much. He signed, holding on tightly. It was a
happy sigh for sure.
He kissed my head again, whispering, "I love you too, baby. Now show me
the other boob."
I don't remember anything after that, just waking up in my bed to the smell
of French toast and cooking bacon flooding the sun drenched room. I
showered quickly and dressed, putting on a little makeup and engaging in a
full on battle with my hairdryer and brush. My hair was completely out of
control. It was huge and so full of body, that I had to wrangle it up into a
ponytail and even then, it was a giant mass of curly poof.
When I emerged from the bathroom, Edward was lying on my bed looking
all hot-boy sexy in a fitted navy thermal and jeans. He was wearing a White
Sox baseball hat with the brim tipped down almost covering his face. He
lifted the brim and smirked.
"Don't make fun of my hair, please. It's out of control, and I don't know
why," I whined, pulling on my black Ugg boots that Edward hated.
He sat up on his elbows. "It's the water here. It will calm down in a few
days." He lifted his hat off to show me his own giant poufy hair surprisingly
undisturbed under the weight of his cap. I doubled over in laughter as he slid
the hat back on, rolling his eyes and chuckling. "Come on, Gran made
breakfast, and I am dying to eat real bacon not made from tofu."
Breakfast was what you would expect a family of eight to be like…loud,
obnoxious and so full of love and laughter, I could hardly contain my
emotions. I was the only child of two only children. I had no aunts or uncles,
brothers or sisters, cousins, or even grandparents. Dinners, special occasions
and holidays consisted of my mother and myself and Phil, or me and Charlie
at some lame restaurant.
This was a tremendous deal for me to be a part of. It was also for the fact,
that when we were around people in big gatherings like this, I felt some
sense of normalcy with Edward, like I really was his girlfriend in every way.
We wouldn't normally be demonstrating any public displays of affection, so
it made me feel less pressured to do so.
Surprisingly, the boys were all able to contain their behavior as well as their
foul language for the duration of the meal.
Immediately after breakfast, I went down into the den to take a look outside.
The sun was glinting off the water, creating a sparkling effect that was just
beautiful. I imagined what it would be like to sip a cup of coffee out there,
curled in a chair enjoying in the warm summer air, before the world woke
up. Edward stood by my side taking in the scenery with me seeming to relish
in it as much as I did.
As we settled in front of the television, we both heard Jasper ask if he could
borrow someone's car to go visit some friends. Gramps tossed him the keys
to Gran's Lexus, reminding him that he was under no circumstances to go
near the south side of Chicago due to heightened gang activity and he was
entirely responsible for the car should something detrimental happen. He and
Edward exchanged some words discreetly, and then Jasper and Emmett left
together.
I knew instinctively that the nature of their dialogue and Jasper's supposed
intent was definitely secretive and downright shady. When I asked where
Jasper was really going, Edward was reluctant to answer. With great
consternation Edward said, "They are going to get weed, and then…they're
meeting some people at our old hangout."
I quirked an eyebrow, obviously knowing that there was more to it. "So
what's he being all secretive about?"
He sighed, giving me a small smile. "Emily's probably going to be there.
Jasper's concerned that he might…I don't know…still have some feelings for
her when he sees her." My heart sank with dread at that thought. It hurt me
to know he would do anything malicious to Alice, particularly after
proclaiming that he loved her. It was incredibly shitty on Jasper's part and
the whole thing soured my mood for the rest of the day. Edward reassured
me that Jasper wasn't going to do anything with Emily, because she had cut
him from her life, and almost assuredly moved on. And, Jasper was head
over heels for Alice.
Still…I was experiencing some definite aggravation over the whole ex
thing…it rang an unpleasant bell with me.
Edward and I watched a Christmas movie with the grownups, discussing
baby names afterward when Esme mentioned that she liked the name
Victoria. Personally, I hated the name, and I couldn't exactly pinpoint why…
However, when she mentioned Jessica as a possibility Edward and I both
adamantly vetoed it.
Jasper returned several hours later giving Edward a nod, to which he got off
the couch motioning for me to follow him. We sat on the racecar bed, which
by the way, was fucking awesome…while Jasper told us how he saw Emily
at the arcade, and he absolutely felt nothing romantic for her whatsoever.
The fact that he was so excited about the revelation made me wonder if it
was something he had been stressing over, and that troubled me.
But Emily was his first love and from what I hear, you never really get over
your first love. I told him it was a good thing, because I would have kicked
his bony ass if he came home feeling otherwise. He called Alice right after
that, walking out of the room for privacy, but we could hear him gushing
over her when she answered, proving that Jasper Cullen did indeed have a
heart after all.
Emmett was pretty excited about seeing some of his old friends, though he
did say that the two guys that he really wanted to meet up with had gone
away with their families. I asked Edward if he wanted to see anyone in
particular, and he just looked forlorn, telling me, "No one gives a shit about
me, B. When I left, I doubt anyone even noticed." He did add that the ones
he really would have liked to see…his teammates that were older than him
and sort of mentors; had since graduated and moved on.
That response killed me making me sorry I had asked in the first place.
Later that afternoon, the four of us were in the boy's room lying on their
transportation themed beds listening to music and bored out of our fucking
minds. I drove the fire truck for like a minute, ringing the bell and then
played with the lights on Em's police car, but it lost its novelty within a few
seconds simply because I was after all, the daughter of an ex cop- so it was
sort of a been there done that situation.
We made a unanimous decision to go bowling after dinner, sans grownups,
because we were all jonsing for the weed Jasper was holding. It seemed like
a good idea at the time, but I was resigned to the fact that I would most
certainly be made fun of once they saw my horrific lack of bowling skills. I
knew Edward was uneasy with going out especially with me in tow, but he
was desperate for a change of scenery as well as wanting to get high.
Edward and I both showered again after an awesome dinner of Chicago deep
dish pizza, mainly for something to do as well as because of our respective
hair situations. I got mine to tame significantly after straightening it with a
half of a tube of glossing lotion, but then it just looked greasy, so it went
back into a ponytail in the end. Edward's hair was perfectly coiffed just like
at home and it made me jealous. But I was willing to bet my shoes that since
he now had roommates, Edward used the alone time opportunity to jerk off.
On the ride through town, the boys argued where the best location to go
would be, taking into consideration Edward's circumstances. He was
adamant about not wanting to be anywhere there would be kids from their
old school, but Jasper disputed that it would be inevitable no matter where
we went. We pulled into the lot, finding a cozy place between two buildings
to smoke up before we went inside.
Edward was freaking me the fuck out the way he was fidgety and nervous
before he would take a hit with his back turned, like he was committing the
ultimate crime. He obviously was paranoid. But once the weed kicked in and
we were inside the warmth of the bowling alley, he calmed down to the point
of actually being able to don a smile.
The palace was pretty empty except for a few older league players on the
opposite side of the room all serious and excited as they bowled perfect
strikes. They annoyed me with their matching satiny shirts and their custom
engraved balls and all their seriousness. I mean, it was fucking bowling for
god sakes!
We exchanged our shoes at the counter, paying in advance for two games on
two lanes. Edward reached behind the counter when the guy wasn't looking,
spraying the shit out of the shoes with Lysol like he was trying to kill a
legion of inexorable roaches or something. He did mine too, but I was
gasping and spitting out half the can before the guy got pissed and made
Edward give the Lysol back. Edward then produced two pairs of his socks
that he'd stashed in my purse, which I hadn't even been aware had been
there, layering them on over the socks already on his feet, before he slipped
on the rental shoes with a revolted scowl on his face.
"So the disgustingness doesn't seep into my skin and give me diseases."
Okay, ya freak with your three pairs of socks.
Once we settled ourselves at the last row of lanes all the way in the back,
Edward chose a marbleized cobalt and silver ball, wiping it clean with an
entire pack of sanitary cloths he retrieved from his coat pocket. I must say, I
enjoyed the irony of him wiping his smooth blue balls clean.
I shook my head laughing at him but he ignored me, way too engrossed in
choosing the right ball. It took me like fifteen minutes, but the ball I found
was pink, sparkly, and excessively heavy for me, but I refused to give it up.
Besides, on its glittery surface was engraved the name, "Chesty La Rue,"
and well, how does one pass up the opportunity to walk in Chesty's shoes, or
in her balls for that matter?
Of course, once the game started, the boys absofreakinglutely annihilated
me. The three of them were like fucking champion bowlers, all perfect form
and squinty eyed as they approached the lane with determination and
confidence…almost as though they had a goddamn bowling lane in their
basement or something.
Edward was like a cougar…he moved sleekly and quietly, glowering at the
ball in front of him until he threw his arm back with tremendous force and
then did this leg bendy thing that was sort of hot and made his ass look
amazing. He got a strike on the first try, did a little happy- success dance and
returned to his seat with a smug arrogance. It gave me a little thrill to see
him in action, and I wondered that if he could make me this wet with
bowling, what he would do to me when he was in those tight little uniform
pants on a pitcher's mound.
Jasper was all legs, doing these stupid twists and spins, while still managing
to get the ball perfectly in the center, and knocking all ten pins down. And
Emmett, well, Em was like a damn powerhouse. He took three mighty steps
on the wood floor, shooting the ball into the lane so that it flew down the
length like a Mac truck into the pins. I swear I saw sparks flying and little
pleas of mercy coming from the pins. That may also have been the weed,
because it was good shit.
And then it was my turn.
And I just sucked.
I kept throwing gutter balls every time I went up followed by stupid dances
to celebrate it, making fun of the pro players. Once the ball even slipped
from my hand, sending it into the seats behind me, forcing the boys to duck
and cover their heads protectively. Even though he was laughing with me (or
at me, I couldn't quite tell,) Edward was growing increasingly frustrated with
me. Though he tried to show me the correct way to hold the ball like fifty
times, it was uncomfortable and felt really awkward. And the fact of the
matter was, I didn't give a shit. I just wanted to have fun, and in the stupid
way I was playing, I was having a ball. He was losing his patience with me,
which made the whole thing even funnier.
"B…Don't you want to learn how to play the right way?" His expression was
so solemn; I had to giggle at him. It was as if he couldn't bear for me to not
want to educate myself on the fundamentals of the game or better myself to
perfect my non existent skills.
"Nope."
"But Beautiful, you should always want to… I don't know…strive for
excellence? I want to see you do well." His eyes pleaded with me. He
sounded like a fucking self-help tape and I laughed in his face, which made
him roll his eyes and chuckle.
"Strive for excellence? Yeah…I don't think so. I like to strive for suckage.
Go Chesty!" I threw the ball once again through my legs with an
exaggerated oomph. It kind of lolled down the lane, veering to the right
before settling into the gutter with a little shimmy. I jumped and cheered
obnoxiously further emphasizing my point.
Emmett yelled from his seat, "Chesty rules!"
I curtsied in gratitude, giving Emmett a high five. Edward palmed his face in
embarrassment, trying to cover his smile.
On Edward's turn he threw a perfect strike, just as the lights went out and the
disco music came on, complete with strobe lights and announcements over
the loudspeaker claiming there would be prizes every time a person bowled
two strikes in a row. I believe they called this Midnight Madness, but this
was perplexing to me because it wasn't even ten o'clock yet. I guessed it was
midnight somewhere in the world.
"Prizes?" I squealed. "Like as in presents?" I jumped up and down, clapping
and screaming while telling them that they had to fork over all their
winnings just because I said so. No one disagreed, probably because the
"prizes" were like the worst crap imaginable. Edward won a blow up guitar,
a Transformers wallet and a plastic key chain with the bowling alley logo
emblazoned on it. Emmett handed over a pink stuffed iguana and Japer won
a policeman kit with fake badge and handcuffs but refused to fork it over
muttering something about Alice and bed posts…
The four of us were really having such a good time. I mean yeah, we were
high on quality Chicago weed so hanging out in a morgue would likely have
been a riot, but nevertheless…
Emmett and I were dancing like idiots between our turns, while Jasper
played the plastic guitar. Edward sat back, refusing to join in the mayhem,
but the smile that stayed steadfast across his face told me that he was
enjoying the night more than he let on. The bowling alley had started to fill
up once Nine Fifty Seven Madness began, but since the mean age of the
crowd was around forty or so, therefore no major concerns were to be had.
Edward rose off his chair, pouring a little hand sanitizer in his palms. "I'm
going to the snack bar. Anyone want something?"
Emmett and Jasper put in their requests, and had it not been my turn to bowl,
I would have accompanied him. "Fries with cheese…and bacon...and extra
cheese and ketchup…and a coke...no a cherry slushy. And like a whole lot of
napkins. Thanks, E."
Edward had been gone a while when Jasper craned his neck waving to
someone across the large room. How he could see anyone in the disco vomit
that was going on around us was beyond me, but nevertheless, a few minutes
later, there was a small crowd of people in our lane and I was being
introduced to them simply as Bella. Emmett walked over to a few boys who,
by their large stature, were obviously part of some football team somewhere.
I was guessing by the way they did that stupid half hug -half high five
grunting caveman greeting that they were former teammates of Em's.
Edward finally came back carrying a tray filled to the brim with food which
he set down on the little table near the lanes. I sat with him, as he eyed his
former classmates wearily, occasionally returning a curt wave or a clipped
nod. He huffed as he ate his fries with a fork, keeping a good amount of
distance between us, and I didn't know if that was on purpose for simple
precautions. He leaned forward meeting my gaze as he swallowed.
"Pink hoodie, long blonde hair…Em lost his virginity to her...her name's
Leah." He bit his lip, squinting his eyes. "That dude…green shirt…pissed
his pants in the middle of a pep rally once…it was fucking horrible."
I laughed uncomfortably, feeling solace in our close proximity. I stuffed
another cheese coated fry into my mouth, forking a few into Edward's which
he took without looking at me. Someone waved to him. He nodded and
smiled, muttering, "Renata Crane…nice girl, but a complete slut."
A few more people entered the building. At that point, it seemed as though
everyone was gathering around Emmett and Jasper with cheerful greetings
as they were reunited, while carefully avoiding Edward, only giving him the
courtesy of nothing but waves and nods. It was outright pitiful…all these
people knew him and looked as though they were debating whether to dare
walk toward him to make conversation, but no one would attempt the feat.
It saddened me while making me feel complete disgust for these people who
had the privilege of knowing Edward all his life and abandoned him when he
was at his lowest point. They all wanted to be his friend when he was the
star of the baseball team though. Even though he never went to trial, it was
evident that he was convicted by a jury of his peers and found guilty beyond
reasonable doubt in their stupid judgmental eyes. It was a travesty and I felt
so fucking bad for him at that moment, knowing he had no one when he
went through what he did.
I could tell that he was growing completely uncomfortable, because he kept
his head down and would only glance up through his lashes, as though he
was hiding.
I leaned forward. "E, do you want to get out of here? Are you okay?"
Edward nodded, taking a bite of one of the burgers. He chewed slowly,
wiping his mouth with a napkin, before looking straight at me. He smiled,
took a sip of his soda, and when his gaze shifted back to the crowd, his face
fell as he swallowed hard. Edward's posture went rigid while his fingers
tapped persistently in the table top. I could feel the blatant stares and hear
the hushed mummers, which made me so anxious. Everyone had come to
witness the return of Edward and the Cullen boys. It was like being in a fish
tank at an aquarium…people staring while we had to keep going about our
business as though they weren't there.
"Fuck…black coat, long brown hair…with the hat…"
"Wait…red boots?" I asked, trying to decipher who in the crowd he was
referring to.
"No…stupid brown Uggs…that's Emily." His voice was almost detached. I
nodded, noticing how indisputably pretty she was with her long brown hair
and eyes so blue I could see their intensity from where we sat. She had a
vague familiarity about her, and I realized that I recognized her from the
Facebook page that I had been perusing.
Fuck…
"She's really pretty," I said, casually, feeling in my bones that something
wasn't right. Edward nodded despondently, not even really hearing what I
said. His eyes were glued to the front entrance, narrowing slightly as his
tongue passed over his lips. It was then that I heard Edward choke at the
exact same time I saw her blonde hair. It was the color of corn silk and
swished around her shoulders as her head turned from side to side…
looking…searching…
It was Charlotte and she fucking knew Edward was here.
Her jaw hung slack the second she spotted Edward. His eyes were wide
when he looked at me, panicked, and completely terrified.
"We have to go…now! Fuck, fuck, fuck…" Edward's chair flew out from
under him, as we abandoned the food, his drink spilling over when the
jarring motion shook the table. He was gone like a flash, out toward the back
exit. With my heart pounding in my throat, I grabbed our coats and my purse
off the backs of the chairs, chasing after him. Emmett called after me, but I
fled through the crowd toward the back exit, fearful for him.
When I pushed open the heavy door, he was there in the dark parking lot,
holding his head and pacing… frantic…and completely unhinged. His
breathing was heavy and erratic imminently leading into an aggressive panic
attack.
"I fucking knew it! I knew we would run into her tonight! I fucking felt it in
my skin…Fuck!" he continued to pace until finally he placed his hands on
his knees like he had just ruin a marathon and he gasped for breath, cursing
and muttering obscenities. His voice grew squeakier and tighter at the
seconds flew by. I had no idea what to do for him.
I held out the black wool toward him. "Edward, put on your coat."
Good thinking, Bella. That will solve everything.
"Did you see her? She was fucking looking for me B…"
"I know Edward I saw her…its okay, she won't find you. I'll go get the car
and we can get out of here." I really wanted to go back inside and see if I
could talk to her but I knew it wasn't the appropriate occasion, and I couldn't
leave him here by himself. He was so scared. But part of me was chastising
myself for losing probably the one opportunity to speak to her. However, not
that it was confirmed who she was, I realized that from the Facebook
pictures labeled, "Staff Christmas Party," I knew where she worked. I could
easily make a phone call, provided she was on her shift at some point.
"No! No don't leave me, please," he begged. He pressed his forehead into the
brick wall, gasping for air and cursing. Edward slid down into a crouch
against the wall, holding his head in his hands with his knees up to his chest.
I squatted beside him, reminding him to breathe in through his nose and out
through his mouth, but he was shaking his head fighting for a full breath of
air.
The door opened a crack. The both of us looked up to see Emmett standing
there, fear and confusion clouding his face.
"Bro, you okay?" He knelt down next to us, rubbing Edward's back, looking
to me for some sort of explanation or response on Edward's behalf.
"Em, Charlotte's here and he freaked out," I said panicked.
"I know…I saw that bitch walk in, the fucking nerve of her. You guys bolted
before I could warn you. Jasper's getting the car, okay? I'm gonna go back
inside and grab our shoes." I slipped mine off handing them to Emmett. He
pulled off Edward's tucking them under his arm. He leaned into Edward's
face, catching his attention. "I'll be right back. Don't fucking go anywhere."
I thanked him, feeling immediate relief. I was shaking, knowing that it was
only a panic attack, but he was such a wreck I had to help him somehow. I
knew what to do, as I had experienced these shitty fucking attacks too many
times to even count, but it was an entirely different situation trying to help
someone else. And I absolutely hated seeing him so broken like this.
Calming thoughts…beach, snow… baseball.
"E...look at me. Put yourself on that stupid hill the pitchers stand on…the
grass is green and there's sun shining above you and if you look up it feels so
warm on your face and it hurts your eyes, but you have a hat on so it's not
too bad. And then you feel the ball and you squeeze it and your glove…" As
my words rambled on, Edward was finally able to take a full breath. Though
he looked as though he was on the verge of tears, he hadn't taken his eyes off
of me for a second. It was dark back there, and the only light was coming
from an almost dead street lamp that buzzed annoyingly, but I could see the
whites of his eyes and the fear and conflict in the green and the pain that
twisted on his sweet face.
Fuck…what about a glove? It smells good, and it's soft…
"Um…and then you throw the ball and you can hear the sound of it crack
against the bat and you watch as it flies over your head and…" He was
breathing a little more regularly now, controlled and methodic, probably
internally counting how many beats per second his heart rate was up to.
"Just feel the ball in your hand...the stitching, the way it's so smooth and
round…" I was at a loss…I had nothing left. I never had wished before that
moment that I would have paid more attention to the details of the stupid
game. But Edward seemed to be much better, though he was still rocking
and holding on to his knees. It was so fucking frustrating not being able to
comfort him the way he needed. I was wiling to bet that he just really needed
a hug or to have his hand held tightly. It took all I had to not leave him right
there and stalk inside to beat the piss out of that vile, horrid bitch.
"E, are you feeling a little better now?"
Edward nodded his head whispering, "Thank you. I'm so fucking sorry,
baby." He still looked like he was going to cry and his hands were shaking a
little, but he was better. Headlights wrapped around the building. I
recognized the car and stood, waiting for Edward to rise off the cement. His
ass had to be freezing. Jasper pulled to a stop, getting out to open the back
door for us. We both slid in and once we were on the highway toward home,
Emmett handed us our shoes.
Edward gazed out the window, chewing his lip absently, his head resting on
the glass. "Did you call Dad?" he asked softly, without moving. Emmett
nodded.
"Yeah, he said to come right home and you could call together."
"Call who?" I asked looking between them.
"I have to call my truancy officer immediately, or that bitch can claim that I
was deliberately there to see her….as fucking if." Edward's voice was
detached and raspy, filled with sorrow and a tinge of anger. He took a deep
breath, shaky and chopped, wrapping his coat around himself tighter. I
couldn't stand to see him dealing with this anguish, so I reached for his hand
without thinking. Edward flinched, pulling back out of habit but then he
wrapped his fingers around my palm so tightly, I could just about feel his
pain through the contact. His trembling hands were like ice.
"You think she'd call her attorney? I mean, you were there first. There's got
to be security cameras to prove it and you hauled ass out of there as soon as
you saw her enter the building."
"I don't know, Em," Edward replied softly. "I don't fucking know."
Obviously, there was more to this encounter than they were revealing. I
would ask Edward or Emmett at another time, but I knew by the way he fled
the bowling alley, that there was a definite reason for it.
Jasper met my gaze through the rearview mirror. "I wouldn't put it past her.
It's a good thing you bolted out the back, because fucking douchebag Peter
was in front with his boys. He wanted to know where the fuck you were and
I'm pretty sure they were looking for a fight."
Edward just sighed. "Please just get me the fuck home, okay?"
It was quiet in the car until Emmett turned on the radio. Edward still had my
hand but he wouldn't look at me. Without meeting my eyes he said softy,
"I'm sorry, Baby. I ruined another night for you."
I tried to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, but he didn't seem to hear me
as he was off in another world somewhere, wallowing in his own sorrow or
something.
The four of us departed the car in awkward silence, quietly entering the
house. Somewhere there was a television on and most of the lights were out
except for the Christmas tree and the hallway. Esme met us at the door with
a bottled water in her hand, pulling Edward to her. He buried his head in her
shoulder, swallowing a pill and I am pretty sure he was crying because Esme
held him and moved them into another room away from us.
Heartbroken with Edward's anguish, I went to my room to change, waiting
for Edward to come to me, but he didn't. I was aware that he had to call his
parole officer or whatever, but I was hoping he would find his way back to
me.
Esme and Carlisle were sitting at the kitchen table talking quietly. It felt so
intrusive, making me feel completely uninvited but Carlisle smiled at me
and I felt better about walking in on them. He asked if I was all right. I
nodded, trying to hold back my tears. Esme's eyes were bloodshot and her
skin was blotchy, telling signs that she was crying. "He's outside sweetie,"
she said sniffling.
I found him on an Adirondack chair, curled up under a blanket with a
cigarette hanging carelessly between two fingers. He wasn't looking at
anything particular, just gazing out into the black night without purpose. I sat
in the chair next to him, whispering, "Hi." I shivered, and he gave me half of
his blanket.
He smiled softly, giving me the best placating expression he could handle at
the moment. He was completely wrecked and it was fucking killing me.
"Did you call your truancy officer? Is everything okay?"
He nodded, muttering. "Yeah…" But he was despondent and disengaged,
either deep in thought or floating on his Xanax high, probably a little of
both. Neither of us spoke for a while. I was freezing and really wanted to go
back inside to the warmth, but I couldn't leave him out there alone. I didn't
know if he would even follow me back in and I would find him frozen to
death in the morning. Every so often a shudder would rip through him, but it
didn't seem to faze him or give him the motivation to move toward warmth.
He inhaled, breaking the long silence. In a very quiet voice, that was almost
eerie and singsongy, Edward said, "You know…I once watched this
documentary, about this study that they did in um...I think it was Lithuania,
during World War two. There were all these little babies in an orphanage,
and they weren't sick or anything but… their physical needs were being
taken care of but no one was allowed to touch them. At that time, it was
thought that cuddling infants would spread infections and make children
morally weak or some stupid shit like that. No one ever held them or
touched them unless it was to change their diapers. They never were hugged
or kissed or spoken to. And they fucking cried and cried, begging to be held
but they were too little to talk so they couldn't even like…ask to be loved…
they were just ignored. Isn't that just the saddest fucking thing you've ever
heard?"
Edward's gaze still remained focused on the water, his words detached and
sleepy and edged in raw pain and utter defeat. My own lids were burning as
the bliss of sleep and solace of a warm bed called to me sweetly, but I
wouldn't dare leave him.
I wrapped my arms around my knees, shivering. My teeth clattered together
as I asked, "What happened to them, Edward?"
He looked over at me briefly, his lids hooding over exhausted eyes. He
leaned his head back against the wooden slats of the chair.
"The babies? They um…they all died."
~%~

Thats a true story BTW.

Okay, so not the Christmas chapter after all. But Edward will give you
Christmas at the Cullen's next chapter, which by the way, I have no idea
when it will be up. My kids are home for a week and a half *puts gun to
head* my mom is staying for the weekend, *pulls trigger* and my
husband will be home for 4 days as well * falls on floor dead.*
Yeah, so…Happy Holidays to all of you. Hope Santa brings you giant
vibrating sparkle peens and a naked ironing OCDward all your own.
xoxoxo
Hope your holidays were fabulous and chock full of family joy and
Happiest of New Years to you all!!! So sorry for the delay on this
chapter but no joke…Christmas was a total bitch, two kids home for
two weeks with endless amounts of snot and whining and four thousand
new toys with no damn batteries…oh and while we're at it, let's blame a
few awesomely addicting fics for sopping up all of my writing time.
Very special thanks to Songster for the truancy officer info…you are
awesome, hon. Thanks to Becca as usual for proofing this beast.
Extra special super duper hugs and kisses to SuzyQ402 who…is the
body wash on my loofah mit, the razor to my itchy shaved balls, the
shiny red wrapping on my greasy meatcake, the tokens for my pitching
machine and the heel on my Christian Dior Boots…as well as one hell of
an awesome lady who let me con her into writing all the funny shit and
all of the amazing the baseball parts of the chapter so I could read
Master Of the Universe instead. You are a true friend and I am so proud
to have you write this with me. I heart you big time BB.
Just Dazzled, Suzy says this chapter is for you.
This chapter is 15,000 words of a whole lot of unnecessary fluff. I
couldn't do serious angst after the dead babies in the last chapter.

High Anxiety
Chapter 25~ Christmas Balls
Jingle balls
Jingle balls,
Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to chafe
Edwards balls today.
~Edward~
It was extremely difficult to focus on anything particular under the haze my
whole body felt that next morning. Xanax, along with the emotional
hangover of a panic attack, made me feel like I was hit by a Mac truck and
then run over by a bus before getting crapped on by a pack of stray dogs. To
put it mildly… yeah, I felt like shit. When I finally got my wits about me, I
realized that I was in Bella's room at my grandparent's house, wrapped in her
sheets, surrounded by her scent. How the fuck did I get here and where's B?
I thought back to the previous night then realized that at some point my body
knew what my head was too fucked up to comprehend. She calmed me. Just
being close to her eased my subconscious mind and my horny as fuck body.
God, please don't tell me I dry humped her leg again…romantic fucker that I
am.
And last night…God…what a fucking nightmare. Honestly, had I known
what was about to happen in that bowling alley, I would never had left the
house. I felt like shit for reacting on impulse the way I did, all panicky and
fearful, and completely ruining Bella's and my brother's night out. Mostly, I
hated that Bella had to witness how utterly undone I had become because of
it. It was completely emasculating- not that I was the most macho guy in the
first place, but having my girlfriend watching me absolutely fall apart made
me feel ridiculously useless.
But with the legal consequences of my presence in the same location as
Charlotte having severe legal repercussions, I fucking freaked out. No one
was supposed to be there and it pissed me the hell off that anyone had been
at that bowling alley the first place. According to Jasper, everyone was
supposed to be hanging out at the arcade. I figured what had happened was
that once the inevitable word spread that we were all in town, agenda's were
changed accordingly, and parties were moved to the Sunset Lanes simply to
get reacquainted with Em and Jazz and hopefully, to get a good glance at the
freak. It kind of pissed me off too, knowing that one of my brothers
inadvertently let someone know we were going to be there, not thinking of
the ultimate consequences.
I know, I know…it isn't always about me.
Fucking Charlotte. At some point she must have forgotten that we were best
friends. I knew her mannerisms as much as my own. She was nervous, I
could tell by her actions. I hated her fake surprised face and her nonchalant
hair flip behind her shoulder…hated that she received the reward she
blatantly sought to get- the ultimate satisfaction of me having to flee like a
fucking fugitive out the back door. And Peter…seriously? He was there to
kick my ass?
My ass?
As if that would ever happen in a million fucking years. Between myself,
Jazz and Emmett, we would obliterate him and his douche friends. They
were baseball players, for fuck's sake, not the fucking starting lineup for the
Chicago Bears. It wasn't as though they weren't tough or remotely menacing
by any means, I just knew that between the three of us we could take them.
After all, I had so much pent up anger inside of me that was just itching to
be released. A part of me almost wished I had been in a more appropriate
frame of mind because the satisfaction I would feel from making that fucker
bleed would be sort of like the equivalent to an orgasm not achieved by my
own goddamn hand.
I couldn't figure out why the fuck she would even go there- I mean, she
knew damn well I wasn't allowed in the same vicinity as her, so the only
conclusion I could come to was that she deliberately went there to chase me
away or to make me look like a fucking fool. Maybe she was just a sadistic
bitch and needed to remind me of the control she continued to have over my
life. My father suggested that perhaps Charlotte wanted to see me again not
for malicious reasons and that maybe she was even there to warn me about
Peter. But while that was a possibility, it was certainty a remote one.
However, at this point, anything was possible.
After all, the girl told me she was in love with me and basically raped me
while I was passed out. Then she showed up the next day...brandishing
bruises I knew I had nothing to do with claiming that it was me that did
those horrible things to her. Personally, I thought that she was the one who
should have been in mandatory therapy for psychosis and on serious meds in
order to combat her actions from further destroying innocent lives in the
future. But as hard as it was to admit, the worst part of the whole fucked up
circumstance when it had initially happened, was the fact that after all she
had said and done, and all the shit I had been through as a consequence of
her lies- I had missed her friendship…severely.
Charlotte had been one of my closest friends since the fifth grade. She made
me laugh with her sarcasm and her self-deprecating sense of humor. Since
she was a little OCD herself, she got my neatness issues and my quirks at
always trying to achieve a certain level of perfection at everything. She was
an awesome person, that is, until she started seeing Peter. He took this pretty,
perfectly independent, self assured girl and cut her down until she felt like
complete shit about herself. She was a curvy girl, always had been sensitive
about her weight, and Peter was constantly on her about it.
I had always told her I thought she was perfect just the way she was and I
had sincerely meant it too. If I had to admit it to myself ... she was soft and
hot, with beautiful curves in all the right places. I remember how she would
smile and blush whenever I complimented her and I was too self absorbed to
realize that she was crushing on me then. I just never saw her like that. She
was attractive and I suppose I could say I had even been somewhat attracted
to her at some point, but I never felt that intense physical chemistry between
us…even when she was on top of me…it just felt off.
Sometimes I thought that if I had returned her affection, I would have a
fucking sex life right now and I'd still be playing baseball and …well, let's
just say that everything would be so goddamn different.
But then again, the sex wouldn't be with the girl I loved to pieces, so in that
same respect, I think in a very fucked up way I had Charlotte to thank for
giving me the most messed up opportunity in the world to meet the best
thing that ever happened to me.
I was without a doubt a Mamma's Boy if anyone ever was one, but seeing
the piteous look on my mother's face when we got home last night made me
lose it completely. With the weight of the bowling alley debacle and her
erratic hormones spurring her emotions, Esmom appeared destroyed, simply
because she was extremely diffident upon coming to Chicago in the first
place. At the time, I had insisted that it would be fine, not entirely confident
in that declaration but knowing that regardless, I would be damned if I was
going to ruin everyone's Christmas by forcing us to stay in Forks.
Gramps was on call at the hospital, so that was the only reason my
grandparents didn't make it to Washington instead. He had taken two weeks
off last year when we had just moved into the house, making a vacation this
year impossible with his schedule at the hospital. Besides that, I knew my
brothers were looking forward to reuniting with their old friends, just as my
parents were.
My mom hugged me at the door, dragging my teary eyed ass into Gramp's
office for privacy so she could dispense my anti-anxiety meds out of the
scrutinizing and pity filled eyes of my brothers and girlfriend. My father
then called my truancy officer, who was obviously in the middle of a fucking
holiday party or some shit, and was less than thrilled with the interruption. I
had to answer a hundred bullshit questions- where exactly in this place did
this happen… who was present… the names and ages of witnesses to verify
story because he really was hoping for a reliable adult to have been there to
vouch… approximately how long the unintentional contact lasted… what
my response was and also, if I had knowledge of security cameras at the
establishment.
All that because that lying backstabbing bitch fucking showed up where I
was with my family on a random Wednesday night.
Since the court order had been technically violated but did not result in a
new offense, my truancy officer had to make the decision of whether or not
he felt the incident was intentional and aggravated on my part. He then had
to base that conclusion on what he knew of me, of the circumstances
involving said incident and anything he might learn from any supplementary
investigation. He then was obligated either to send a progress report
indicating an unintentional violation had taken place and how it was handled
or to simply handle the entire issue informally.
Here was where the major issue lied. What I was deathly afraid of was that
Charlotte would run to the States Attorney to report that she had been
traumatized yet again by either my presence in general, or by the fact that
she could lie yet again and say that I harassed her. That was precisely why I
bolted out of the goddamn building like my ass was on fucking fire. If that
were to happen, I had to prepare myself for the possibility of a court hearing
to review the incident, which because of that, my father had to inform my
attorney last night as well. My attorney Jason, told me until we heard
otherwise, that I was to behave as if I were Mother Fucking Theresa on
Sunday…in a church…with children and nuns watching…
This alone was why I was admittedly thankful for karma or angels or just the
basic simplicity of foresight to know when to say no. When we first arrived
in Chicago, Jasper asked me to take a ride with him to pick up the weed
from one of his old friends. I initially said no fucking way, because I didn't
want to put Bella in that position under any circumstances. But at the same
time, I knew that the shit I did in Forks…using weed and supplying it to my
underage girlfriend, consuming and buying liquor with a fake ID…using
said ID to get into clubs and bringing Bella with me…were things that I
could probably get into a certain amount of trouble for, but definitely not
land my ass in jail as a direct result. Here in Chicago though, where my
family and I were known throughout the community, as well as the fact that
my predicament wasn't exactly a secret, getting involved in the purchase of
an illegal substance was just asking for another problem that I didn't fucking
need.
After all of that, my mother flipped out on us, insisting that we pack our shit
and leave immediately. Of course, my father wasn't necessarily in agreement
with that hastiness, but ready and willing to comply with whatever was best
for his family. But I knew that if I ran back home to Forks, it was as good as
admitting I was fucking guilty. I was forced to flee last time without a
choice, and I would be damned if they got me to do it again. The truth was, I
was entirely too fucking tired of running and admitting defeat against a
punishment that I didn't earn in the first place.
Still wrapped in the warmth of Bella's sheets, I scrubbed a hand over my
face, wrinkling my nose at the tickling sensation that swept my skin. Upon
further inspection of my hands, I painstakingly unwrapped several strands of
Bella's long hair from around my fingers. There were more loose strands on
her pillow case and in the sheets as well as on my shirt.
I took a piss in her bathroom, and when I washed my hands and face
afterward, I couldn't help but notice the massive amounts of hair on the
vanity top, coiled in the bristles of her hairbrush and the little piles of it
swept into the corners of the tile floor. It puzzled me, because I had never
noticed it before and I hoped she wasn't having some kind of early onset of
alopecia or something. It also grossed me out a little, so I got on my hands
and knees, wiping up the floor and then the vanity top, cleaning up all traces
of her evident shedding.
And that was precisely why we didn't have a dog…
Her shit was all over the counter…toothbrush, makeup, little travel sized
bottles of creams and hair shit and a whole pile of brown hair elastics and
clips and girlie stuff. I neatly arranged it in a manner that wouldn't offend
her, but would actually make her routine of getting ready much more
efficient. With a quick glance in the mirror, I rolled my eyes at myself and
my compulsory habits that worsened when I was under stress.
In my own bathroom, I brushed my teeth, and swallowed my pill, entirely
grateful to have that extra help.
I trudged my way into the kitchen where I had heard the distinct sound of
Bella's sweet laugh and a television playing in the den. I knew my mom
would undoubtedly have something to say about me sleeping in B's bed, but
I was hoping that since she was aware that I was in a highly fucked up state
from the previous night, she would just let it go. Not that she really had ever
let anything go, but I wasn't in the mood to argue about it or to admit to the
fact that I was having some serious nightmares and didn't want to sleep
alone.
It was all starting to come back to me now...the other reason I went to Bella's
room. One of those nasty fuckers I was obligated to call my brother must
have had some small animal crawl up their ass and die last night, because
this morning the room still smelled so intensely fucking vile with the stench
of rancid fart that I wanted to vomit. It took every ounce of courage I had to
reenter this morning to brush my teeth. They were both curled up tight,
wrapped comfortably in the stench. One was farting…the other snoring like
a chainsaw. I had to get the fuck out of there and come up with a plan to
preserve and fumigate my clothes.
"Hey," I mumbled shyly to my mom, grandmother, and Bella, who were
sitting at the kitchen table amidst half empty coffee cups and a variety of
craft supplies. The shit was all over the table and though it was organized in
neat piles, it almost made me shudder.
I sat at the empty seat next to Bella as her face brightened when we made
eye contact. She put down her project, rising to get me a cup of coffee,
which honestly, I fucking loved her for doing without my even having to
ask. As she placed the mug on the table in front of me whispering a sweet,
"Good morning," my mom and grandmother exchanged a glance between
them that made me roll my eyes. My mom reached over to ruffle my already
insane hair.
In this almost pained little voice, edged with caution my grandmother asked,
"How are you feeling, Sweetie?" I nodded reassuringly, taking a sip of
coffee simply to avoid talking about it and the sheer emasculating
embarrassment that accompanied the morning after.
My thoughts suddenly shifted to the gas station in Port Angeles that I often
bought my cigarettes and gas, where on the counter there was one of those
cans connected by a short security chain. Affixed to the can was a picture of
a mangy dog with one eye, three legs and no tail. When you looked at the
picture of the pathetic, mangled dog you couldn't not put your lose change
into the slit in the can, because the sight was horribly fucking heartbreaking
and even if you didn't believe in God or Satan or any sort of divine
otherworldly being, you surely would go to Hell if you simply walked away
sans contribution.
On the morning after a particularly bad panic attack, that was precisely how
I felt- like that three legged, one eyed, no tailed pooch that everyone felt
intense pity for. My family looked at me as though I was pathetic and weak,
hardly making eye contact, yet too afraid to not look at me. Voices were
hushed and words carefully chosen, waiting for something to set me off into
a fucking tirade or god forbid, another attack. All I needed was a goddamn
can and some spare coins.
But today, I wasn't too concerned with any of that. And I didn't feel irritable
or edgy or any of the usual residual feelings that accompanied the dreaded
morning after. I was calm and serene and though a definite groggy feeling
was in place over most of my body, I felt almost…good?
Ahhh…antidepressants.
Bella had sat back down, continuing to work on the project in front of her.
"How cute are these?" she asked, holding up a candy cane artfully created to
resemble a reindeer. They had little googlie eyes and red pom pom noses
with twisted brown pipe cleaner antlers wrapped atop their candy cane
heads.
I took another sip of coffee, reveling in the sweetness and warmth that was
spreading through my innards. Bella had put some cinnamon flavored
creamer in the mug and it was fucking heaven. I picked one up, examining
it. "They are kind of cute. What are they for?"
"Grampa is playing Santa this afternoon in the children's ward of the
hospital. You and Bella should go," Gran said, her face brightening as she
smiled at the idea.
I shook my head, examining the little reindeer again. His eyes were uneven
and it annoyed me thoroughly… so much that I readjusted their positioning.
"I can't go to a place like that, Gran…too many little girls. Besides…all
those sick kids…it's so fucking depressing," I looked up at my mother's
audible tsk and her disapproving glare as my inappropriate language. "Oh,
sorry."
"So ridiculous," Gran muttered angrily under her breath, presumably
directed toward the absurdity of my situation. I sighed, turning to Bella.
"You can go if you want to." The last thing I wanted to do was keep her
bound to the house just because I chose to be.
"No, that's alright. I'd rather stay here with you, if that's okay." Bella offered
me a small smile, making me love her for the way she just accepted and
understood.
I couldn't imagine a girl like Jessica Stanley or even Rosalie Hale being so
accommodating and understanding as to be in a huge city during Christmas
break and being okay with staying inside a house the whole time and not
sightseeing or shopping or whatever the fuck girls liked to do. Even last
night…she had been fucking amazing with talking me down from the panic
attack and just 'getting' that I couldn't bring myself to discuss the situation
with her or anyone else while I was kind of regrouping outside on the back
patio after I made the harrowing phone calls to the necessary parties.
The fact was that most of the time, I didn't feel as though I had done
anything to truly deserve her, and I was just waiting with baited breath for
the day that she would come to realize that, and then I would be so fucked
because I didn't think I could live without her at this point. She was more
than my air now.
"Where's dinner tonight, anyway?" I asked, wondering if I would be forced
to flee a public place yet again. I knew from past Christmases that
Charlotte's family did a big family thing at her aunt's house in Indiana, so
hopefully, there wouldn't be any more run- ins with her. Gran said we were
going to try a little Italian place this year as opposed to the traditional steak
house we usually went to on Christmas Eve.
Pulling a little puff from Bella's pile, I used a glue thing to adhere it to the
candy cane. Before I even knew it, I had made my own substantial reindeer
pile, and I felt unusually relaxed, my mind clear and focused. It provided a
catharsis that I didn't realize doing such a mundane thing could do. It was
similar to how I felt when I organized things properly.
I looked around at the three women at the table, contentedly working and
chatting about baby stuff and movies they had recently seen. I was honestly
just happy to be in their presence.
"Hey there, ladies. So, you're uh… you're making crafts now, E? Really?"
Emmett stood hovering above me with his hands on his hips, smiling down
like a big fat jerk off.
I snickered, ignoring his chastising. "Yeah, well, it's actually quite relaxing
and it's not like the lovely company I keep isn't fully aware that I am
somewhat of a pansy already."
"I think you're very manly… in a girlie sort of way," Bella offered with a
smile. I smirked at her teasing, mouthing "thank you".
"He's not a pansy…he's just sensitive," my grandmother beamed, squeezing
my hand across the table affectionately. As I squeezed back, the softness of
her hand on mine felt really fucking good and kind of made me sad when
she removed it.
"Yeah, that's Grandma talk for my grandson is a frigging fairy," Emmett
chuckled. "You gonna start knitting baby booties too now?"
I took a sip from my mug, using my free hand to give him the finger. My
grandmother mimicked the gesture to Emmett, giving us all a good laugh.
She was the wife of a highly respected surgeon and led everyone to believe
that she was infallible, but we knew the real side of her...the side that cursed
when appropriate and flipped the bird to her insolent, highly flatulent elder
grandson on behalf of her youngest's defense. Gran was fucking awesome.
He slipped his arm around my neck in a headlock, playfully giving me a
noogie on the top of my head before he kissed it and walked off muttering,
"Fruitcake."
I grew bored of reindeer making after a while and went to lay down in
Bella's room where her bed was more comfortable and smelled like her. She
came in a little while later chatting on the phone, presumably with her
mother, lying next to me on her stomach while she talked. Her shirt had risen
up to her waist, revealing an inch or two of creamy white flesh and the most
perfect outline of a disappearing thong underneath stretchy gray yoga pants.
Her ass was like a delicious spring peach; ripe and squeezable and I couldn't
take my eyes off of the soft curves of it trapped under her snug pants.
Staring at her gave me unbelievable wood and I had to swallow back the
desire to touch her and bite her ass. She raised an eyebrow at my fidgetiness
and once she got rid of her mom, she turned on her side propping her head
up in her hand.
"What's up, Handsome?"
"Your ass is amazing," I whispered, unabashedly attempting to peer over at
said beautiful ass which was now sadly out of view.
She smirked, giving me a little seductive, shy smile. "Awww, thank you,
baby. I've been doing special ass exercises." She flexed her butt cheeks
playfully.
I narrowed my eyes at her skeptically. "No you have not. Have you?"
Bella rolled her eyes as if to say, obviously not, stupid. "I'm going to go take
a shower now so…do you uh…want to see it?" she asked, rising to her knees
on the bed.
"Fuck yes," I said without hesitation, my heart thumping loudly in my chest
as the anticipation grew steadily. She slipped her shirt off, tossing it to the
side and then unclasped her bra at the back. I groaned at the sight of her tits
all bare and pert and erect nipples mocking me for not being able to touch
them. Though her skin was creamy ivory, she still had traces of old tan lines
in the shape of a teeny, tiny triangular top bikini and even smaller barely
there bottoms.
With a fervent exhale, I palmed my erection through the flannel of my
pajama pants, not particularly caring that it was crude. Her lips feathered
with a smug smile and her eyes smoldered with intensity as her gaze darted
to my hand, as though she was proud of herself for getting me hot and
bothered.
I mumbled, "God, you're beautiful," as Bella slid off the bed, pulling the
elastic out of her hair to let her tresses fall in soft waves around her
shoulders. I watched in rapt awe as her thumbs disappeared into the waist of
her pants and then she turned, letting me view the sight of her ass in nothing
but a thong. It was those goddamn lower back dimples that did me in. She
turned her head to look over her shoulder, unintentionally seductively, or
maybe it was intentional, who the fuck even knows? Bella seemed to be
fearless these days when it came to being naked in front of me, and lord
knows I wasn't complaining.
She bent over to pick up her pants, giving me an obscene view of her ass,
which was then suddenly rudely obstructed by the pants being tossed right
into my face. Bella giggled, running into the bathroom and shutting the door
behind her. I bolted off the bed following her nakedness into the bathroom,
where I gaped at her adjusting the water temperature to her liking.
Continuing on my not giving a shit about etiquette path, I reached into my
pants to pull out my dick just as she stepped under the spray, leaving the
shower curtain open deliberately…and the fucking sight of her with all that
water running down her hair and onto her tits was enough to make me cum
in my pants without further stimulation.
"Bella…you have no fucking idea what you look like right now," I groaned,
leaning against the wall with my dick in my hand as I watched her soap up
one of those loofah sponge mitt things, rubbing it all over her shoulders and
her tits. I stroked myself a few times, before she looked down at the mitt
covering her hand and her eyes widened.
"Oh my God, E…" She smiled mischievously with a grin that spread ear to
ear then opened the curtain a little wider and whispered, "Come in here with
me." In that second I knew exactly what she was thinking, my smile
mirroring hers. And so I stripped down to nothing, shaking in anticipation
while watching amusedly as Bella's eyes widened even bigger.
Then, with a smirk on my face and my hands trembling with expectation, I
stepped inside with her under the warm spray, amassing every shred of self
control I had within me to not touch her. She inhaled deeply, moving over to
share the water with me. We were but a few inches apart and God, did I
fucking want to hold her and feel that warm, slick, soapy skin against my
body.
"Is this…okay?" she asked softly, moving the mitt across my chest. I
nodded, not really able to form basic or cohesive words to say even a simple
yes. I was so fucking hard, I was almost afraid it would graze her belly if she
moved a tiny bit closer. Not that either of us would have minded one bit.
And her touch…slightly rough but smooth with soap at the same time.
She drew her covered hand across my shoulder and down my arm leaving a
trail of girlie smelling suds, her eyes darting occasionally from my gaze to
my chest and back again. I could hear her breathing change as she grew
excited. Bella's nipples were erect, despite the warmth of the water
cascading down her front. She was so fucking beautiful.
"I want to try that," I said looking down at the sudsy glove. While I was
thoroughly enjoying what she was doing to me, I felt unbelievably
compelled to touch her as well.
"You have to wait your turn," she said coyly, looking up at me under dark,
wet lashes as the sponge mitt swept over my hip, circling down over my ass
cheek. I smirked when she squeezed it. Damn that felt good. I couldn't
remember if anyone had ever had that done to me before; I was pretty
certain it was a first. Tentatively, and achingly slow, she brought her hand
back across my abs and down the trail of fine hair leading to my dick.
"Fuck…" I hissed, looking down at her adoringly when her covered hand
slid up the front of my shaft. The material was a coarse weave, intended to
slough, so it wasn't exactly soft. "Baby…" I was shaking with excitement
knowing that she was about to jerk me off. Bella's fingers closed around the
length and she squeezed…hard gasping audibly. I hissed through my teeth at
the sensation. It didn't hurt or anything, I just thought that maybe she was
anxious or eager to feel it in her hands, though the material on the mitt was
pretty thick.
"Stroke upwards," I instructed, planting my palm against the tile wall to
brace myself. She stood underneath me, tiny as ever and all wet and
barefoot, as I looked down to watch. Her hand gripped tightly pulling in
long upward strokes. Bella didn't look at me once. Her eyes were completely
fixated on what she was doing to me and the moans I was producing
involuntarily.
"It that good?" she asked innocently, finally looking up at me. I smiled,
nodding and biting my lip. She did things to me that I could not explain. My
most basic instincts were ignited with just a cursory glance at her sweet face.
It seemed as though she was really trying hard to get me off. I knew she had
never done anything like this before either, so it was probably so intriguing
and novel to her if not somewhat intimidating.
"It's fucking great. Not so tightly though. Go a little faster," I whispered
panting, feeling that familiar tightening heat coiling in my groin.
"Oh God, Baby, that feels so goddamn good." I could almost hear her smile
proudly. Her speed intensified as I instructed, sending chills up my spine and
fuck that felt amazing. But as her grip loosened slightly, even with the slick
soap lubricating against the friction, the material of the mitt was grating
against the sensitive skin, probably because it had no fucking hair protecting
the outlying area and I already had some razor burn from the day before.
Since shaving my goods for the Create A Mate endeavor, when the hair had
begun to grow back it was itchy like a motherfucker. Kinda like jock itch
without the actual jock. I couldn't tolerate the sensation, plus I hated having
to scratch in public as though I was battling some kind of fucking venereal
disease…which sadly, I might almost even welcome at this point. So to
avoid the growback stage, I had continued to shave everything in my crotch
area. I rather liked the smooth way it felt, but I wasn't so sure how I looked
all bald and naked. Bella said it was hot, so that was what really mattered to
me. Not that she had anything to compare it to, but whatever. The girl liked
what she liked. Who was I to judge, because yeah…a shaved pussy was
fucking hot.
I thought I could probably stand the loofah rubbing against me for a few
more seconds until I came, because I was almost fucking there, but then
suddenly a harsh, piercing, burning sensation spread over the entire surface
of my dick.
I yelled out, "Oh God… fuck that burns!" She withdrew her hand as if it had
caught on fire, stepping away from me in shock.
"What did I do?" her voice cracked as she looked up at me panicked, her
gaze flickering between my eyes and my chafed up dick. With dick in hand,
I let the water run over the surface, washing away the suds to I could assess
the damage while I hissed through my teeth. The skin was bright pink and
slightly swollen in areas, mostly at the mid part of the shaft. She literally
loofahed the top layer of skin off my dick. The water burned like a
motherfucker and as eager as I was to touch her, I had to get the fuck out.
"I'm so sorry, E." Her eyes gave away that she felt so fucking bad.
I smiled tentatively, wincing as the steady pain continued. "Love, it's fine…
I'll be okay," I said shakily stepping out of the shower stall. Grabbing a
towel, I gingerly patted myself dry, sitting on the toilet seat.
"Do you have any Neosporin or something?" I asked, knowing I hadn't seen
anything of that sort when I cleaned up her shit. She told me she had a tube
in her makeup case, and once I retrieved it, I rubbed a thick layer all over my
dick, finally feeling some relief, wondering how the fuck I was going to
wear clothes comfortably.
Holding my head in one hand, and my dick in the other, I laughed out loud at
the fucking pathetic scene before me. I was bald, chafed, once again covered
in goo, completely humiliated, and entirely disappointed that I didn't even
get my turn to touch. Never mind the fact that not only did I not get off, but I
was so beaten up that I wouldn't be able to jerk off for like a fucking week at
least.
Oh, fuck my life.
~%~
"Aww fuck. Church…seriously?" Jasper groaned, throwing himself back on
his fire truck bed with entirely too much dramatic flair after my grandmother
informed us that we would be attending the five o'clock mass at her church
before dinner. No one was exceptionally pleased about that, but Bella on the
other hand, didn't seem so ruffled. She said she had wished to speak with the
Big Guy up close and personal anyway, whatever the fuck that meant.
I finished up with my hair in Bella's bathroom so the rest of the fuckers
could get ready in the one in our still toxic room. I fucking hated sharing that
bathroom, and the whole damn bedroom for that matter, but there was
something about my racecar bed that I couldn't resist. It made me feel like a
kid again, giving me a part of my youth and quite frankly, my innocence that
I would never get back.
Bella was in the kitchen, helping my grandmother pack the Rudolf candy
canes away safely. Gran asked me to get the mail outside, so I grabbed a
cigarette and headed out front down the long driveway to the mailbox. Even
in my loosest boxer briefs and a pair of my most baggy jeans, I was still so
sensitive. While cringing a bit, I moved painstakingly slow as to not
aggravate the area. I pulled out what looked like a million Christmas cards
and a few bills, tucking them under my arm as I made my way back up the
driveway toward the house. I didn't bother with my coat and I was regretting
it because it was fucking freezing.
In fact, they were calling for some serious snow later on tonight. I couldn't
remember the last official white Christmas we'd had, but I remembered Bella
telling me that she hadn't ever experienced one, so aside from the annoyance
of having to shovel the shit up, I was glad to at least give her that.
However, that driveway was fucking long, and there had better be at least
three shovels in that garage, plus a snow blower, dammit. I had my own
personal theory on snow removal…"God put it there…God shall take it
away". Or better yet my personal favorite, "Why do it yourself when you can
pay someone else to take care of it?" However, it seemed my grandfather
had more practical views considering he was like...an important doctor and
shit that needed to get to work to save lives, but whatever.
I leaned inconspicuously against the back bumper of Gramp's SUV, smoking
my cigarette as I wrapped my arms around myself. They hated that I
smoked, so I tried not to flaunt it in front of them and avoid another
monotonous lecture if I could help it. The sound of a car coming down the
road perked up my ears, but when it turned into the driveway, I
automatically tensed up at the sight of the unfamiliar black Mercedes sedan.
Dark tinted windows and shit...looked like the fucking Chicago Mafia was
paying a little house call or something.
I had heard about these guys but I never thought it was actually true. I
couldn't see beyond the windshield because the sun glare was so intense on
the glass. I honestly had no idea what the fuck I was expecting but Peter and
his buddies sliding from inside wielding baseball bats may have crossed my
mind. The irony in that would be fucking poetic.
Peter scorned was one thing…but Peter scorned with an aluminum bat while
I was utterly defenseless was an entirely different story.
But as the car halted to a stop just a few feet away from me, idling while the
door opened, I took another tentative drag of the cigarette before putting it
out on the pavement and tossing the butt into the grass. An audible chuckle
came out of my mouth, relieved and chastising myself for being such a Mary
Fucking Sue. This little tiny old lady, probably about a hundred and eighty
five years old or some shit, swimming in a mink coat with a matching hat
covering her silver birds nest of hair, walked toward me.
Okay well, walked was sort of an incorrect euphemism for what she was
actually doing. With her back hunched and her orthopedic shoes scraping
along the pavement, it took her like a good five minutes to cross the six foot
distance, scuffling her feet along the way. I was willing to bet good money
that there were a few telephone books propping her ass up so she could see
over the steering wheel. She kind of reminded me of crazy Aunt Bethany
from that Christmas Vacation movie…the one that wrapped up her fucking
cat.
I met her half way, taking tentative steps though I knew even if she was the
head of some geriatric female organized crime ring, she couldn't possibly
have an Uzi stashed in that giant purse of hers. Even if she did, judging by
the amount of time it took her to make it from point A to point B, I would
have my ass safely inside positioned behind Emmett before she could even
get it out of the bag.
Because I always thought Em would make an awesome human shield.
Okay, well, maybe I wasn't one to talk about moving slow with the damaged
man goods and all.
I approached her, giving her a warm smile while muttering a very polite,
"Happy Holidays," because that's what the adults all did and I assumed she
was here for my grandma. Without a reply or any sort of eye contact even,
she simply reached into her giant bag with wrinkled spotty hands, pulling
out a bottle of liquor and handed it to me.
I took a quick look at the label… Remy Martin VSOP, and I got a little
giddy. The old lady had good taste. I was tempted to stash it inside my pants
for a later date as I knew this was a really good bottle of brandy, but that
would sooo fucking hurt so I repealed the idea. Before I could even thank
her, she had pulled out a shiny red rectangular brick from her purse waiting
expectantly for me to take it from her.
Tucking the bottle under one arm, while I still had the stack of mail under
the other, I accepted the package wrapped in ribbon that looked like a
fucking two year old had wrapped it…or a one hundred and eighty five year
old lady with severe arthritis and cataracts. Forgive me.
I swear to God, whatever the fuck it was weighed about fifteen pounds and
smelled like a cross between dog food and cupcakes…and it was so
unbelievable fucking greasy. It was completely disgusting and I fought to
not wrinkle my nose in distaste boorishly in front of her.
Then without uttering a single word, she turned and waddled back to the car,
shutting the door behind her. She backed out of the driveway like a woman
possessed...running over my Gran's landscaping and barely missing the
mailbox. Thank fucking God I wasn't standing there when she pulled in, or
I'd be limbless right now. Dear Lord, today of all days...I prayed for all the
drivers of the greater Chicago area. This woman was on a mission to destroy
Christmases everywhere with her poor driving skills and her wordless
gifting of meatcake.
"Um…thanks… I think?"
The car reversed down the driveway and I stood gaping and gagging with
brandy and mail under my arms and some kind of disturbing meat/cake
based product literally dripping in my hands wondering what the fuck had
just happened. I mean seriously…I looked around the yard for fucking
cameras cause I swore that I was being Punked or on Candid Camera or
some shit.
"Uh…someone…anyone? Answer the door." I called for assistance, kicking
the gold plate at the bottom of the front door, unable to use the goddamn
bell. I was overly cautious as to how I stood, because I had on two hundred
dollar shoes upon which the leather was most certainly not conducive to
dripping meatcake grease. I continued to yell exasperatedly until finally
Jasper opened the door for me, allowing me inside.
"Hey, whatcha got, Bro?" he asked, sliding the bottle from under my arm
with raised eyebrows.
"Some old lady dropped this shit off," I replied, gesturing to the meatcake
while urging him to take it from me.
He leaned over to sniff it, recoiling with a scowl. "That smells fucking
nasty."
"Yeah, no shit. Can you take it?" It was now dripping grease through my
fingers and onto the tile entryway. Jasper shook his head no, the fucker,
while my grandfather came in, dressed in full Santa Claus garb clutching his
belly.
He sighed, glaring at the shiny dripping package. "Edna was here, I see." I
shrugged, having no fucking clue as to who the hell Edna was, but she
certainly looked like an Edna…or a Marge. "About ninety years old…lots of
fur…didn't say a word to you?" he clarified. I nodded and scowled. Edna.
Gramps took the bottle from Jasper, inspected the label and opened it. He
shrugged, taking a huge swig from the bottle, passing it to Jasper. Jasper
took a swig, and then my father emerged from the kitchen when he heard the
noise, grabbing the bottle so he could drink it as well.
"Dad, can you bring this in the kitchen for me?" Dad leaned over in the same
manner Jasper had and wrinkled his nose. Like father like fucking son.
"Don't let that anywhere near your mom. She'll puke all over the place," he
said pointing to the offensive mound in my outstretched hands. By this
point, I was so irritated and uncomfortable with this thick oily shit oozing
through my fingers and the vile smell making my stomach queasy.
Em bounded down the steps skipping the last few just to land in the grease
dripping on the floor. He slipped a little, grabbing the railing to catch
himself before falling flat on his ass.
"Jesus what the fuck smells like shit?" he asked with a wretched scowl on
his face as he tried to get up.
This coming from the brother, who I assumed single handedly, made me
evacuate my bedroom due to the inhuman stench caused by his gastric
distress. He looked at me as he realized the odor was emitting from the shiny
brick -o- disgustingness. I sighed exasperatedly while he began laughing at
me and pointing at the bottle of booze now making its third round between
the men of my family.
"Hey now...don't be jonesing the Brandy. Help a brother out."
"Can someone take this?" I begged. No one moved…they just kept drinking
from the bottle until Bella and my grandmother rounded the corner. Gran
began to laugh while covering her mouth. She declined the bottle pass,
finally confiscating it only to turn around where she thought no one could
see and took a sip while quietly handing it to Bella.
She sniffed the meatcake, her face suddenly crestfallen. "Oh, sweet dear
Edna…she must have combined the meatloaf and fruitcake recipes, poor
thing," Gran remarked, shaking her head.
"Ya think?" I replied sarcastically.
Bella took one look at me and laughed hysterically with a hand over her
mouth, silently backing up as she retreated into the kitchen. Traitor.
"Will someone fucking take this shit from me now!" I growled, bearing my
teeth in frustration and irritation at my whole useless family.
My mother yelled from the kitchen, "Edward...language! Where are your
manners?"
I huffed. "Oh… my… god…Will someone please take this shit from me
now!" There they are, mom.
Finally, Bella came back with her hands full of paper towels and took the
brick from me. I thanked her, following her into the kitchen to wash up as
she muttered, "This could only happen to you, Edward."
The whole thing grossed me out and I swear the shit had imbedded itself into
my sinuses. I headed back to the bathroom to shower the meatcake debacle
of '09 stink off of my hands, hoping to God I never was in possession of a
bomb that required defusing because my family would just stand around and
drink brandy until it fucking exploded.
~%~
Church.
I hated the damn place, seriously I did. I didn't understand the bulk of what
was said, nor did I feel the compulsion to even listen to it, and couldn't
comprehend how people could put so much faith into an idea that wasn't
even proven. The off key singing irritated me to no end, the Communion
bread tasted like ass and the fact that they kept asking for money annoyed
the shit out of me. The only thing that made it worth the trip was the wine
and the fact that the pastor absolved us of our sins right at the beginning of
the service.
Needless to say, I was not a religious person by any means.
However, we were forced to attend once a year, so my brothers and I sucked
it up and dealt with forty five minutes of incessant droning by the pastor. It
was a small neighborhood Lutheran church, definitely old but not without a
certain charm and character. It was beautifully decorated in Christmas stuff
with tons of crimson poinsettias and that made it feel warm and inviting. I
thought to myself that it should feel sort of odd to decorate a Church for
Christmas. I mean, shouldn't they just put up a big ass Happy Birthday
banner and hand out like, party hats or some shit?
I chose not to sit next to Bella for obvious reasons, but she and I stole some
glances at each other during the sermon, and that was enough to get me by.
Before Communion was offered, the pastor asked for everyone to proceed in
exchanging of the peace or some shit, whereby everyone had to shake hands
and hug and stuff. I huffed, as I hugged each member of my family and
shook hands with a ton of fucking germy strangers, but the whole time
shaking my head at the fact that the one person I really wanted to have my
arms around I simply couldn't.
I heard Emmett whisper to Bella, "This is from Edward," and he hugged her
hard. She wrapped her hands underneath his arms, returning the gesture
while giving me the saddest look over his shoulder. It fucking broke me a
little.
I whispered, "Merry Christmas, Baby, I love you," to her and she blew me a
kiss and mouthed the same back.
Em leaned back over to me smiling and said, "I can squeeze her ass for you
too, if you want."
I just rolled my eyes muttering, "Dick," but grateful at the same time for his
thoughtfulness, as weird as that may have been. After the Communion, the
choir sang Ave Maria and it was moving and beautiful and made my Mom
close her eyes and rub her nonexistent belly. Bella said this long ass silent
prayer as she knelt, and I couldn't help but wonder if the length of the prayer
had anything to do with my situation. If that was the case I figured I had may
as well get comfortable in my hard ass wooden pew because it was going to
be a long night.
After dinner, we headed on home, opting out on the walk around town which
was our usual routine because it had already begun to snow and…for other
reasons. Bella was enamored with the falling flakes, and I knew she didn't
want to go inside right away. So when we arrived back at the house, I took
her outside so she could enjoy the view of the lake while I smoked a
cigarette. Gran brought us steaming mugs of cocoa brimming with
marshmallows and it reminded us both of when we sat on Bella's porch the
night of our first date.
She looked so beautiful. She even had on the hat and glove set I got her. The
snow was collecting in the long curls that fell across her back and shoulders.
She was sticking out her tongue to catch the falling flakes and giggled when
one actually made it into her mouth. I told her how much I loved her and
how glad I was that she was here with me. I don't think she had any idea
how much I truly meant that.
When we went inside thoroughly chilled and covered in wet snow, my father
coerced me into playing the piano along side him, something we had done
since I was little. I was the only one who had shown any talent or interest as
a child, and the piano seemed to have been the thing that had bonded us
together. The family stood around the baby grand singing Christmas carols
while we played, like some corny fucked up disturbed version of a Norman
Rockwell painting. But it was really nice nevertheless.
Then Gran requested for me to play O Holy Night whereby my dad removed
himself from the seat beside me. As I played solo putting my heart and soul
into the piece, the snow fell softly outside, while inside, silent tears streamed
down cheeks of the three women I loved most in the world.
I slept beside Bella that night, not giving a shit if anyone knew or felt it was
inappropriate to do so. It was Christmas and the only thing I had wanted or
even asked for was to be close to her, so I figured if they had the nerve to
bitch about it than they would simply be informed that they were ruining my
life with their bullshit.
No one said a damn word.
That morning we trudged into the den still sleepy but excited, sitting under
the tree to open gifts as per tradition. Gran and Gramps got us all Nintendo
Wii game systems and a bunch of games. Of course, they gave me Major
League Baseball 2K9 and I didn't know how to feel about their nonchalance
so I glared at them scornfully for a while as they ignored me. I even fucking
sighed animatedly...and they still ignored me. My Grandparents were good
at that. The "gift and ignore" game. I believe they both thought that if they
shoved baseball paraphernalia towards me that I would give in and play
again. If it were only that simple.
Come to think of it, Bella had even tried that shit on me too with the stuff
Phil had sent from California. It was a goddamn conspiracy, I tell you. The
truth was, that I was itching to get my hands on that game, but I couldn't let
anyone know that little fact.
There were also a shit load of boxes filled with some designer clothes and
these really cool baseball hats for each of us, embroidered with the family
crest on the front. They even gave Bella a pink one which she wore all
morning. I loved that they thought of her as part of our family.
When Bella opened her purse and then the boots, I swear I thought she was
going to have a fucking seizure or something. Her hands flailed all over the
place and she couldn't speak any other words but endless, "Oh my God's,"
punctuated by a bunch of "The boots! The boots!"
Then my grandfather said, "Oh just hug the girl for God's sakes"…so I did…
for a long time…
She sank into my waiting arms while we leaned against the arm of the
couch. We hugged and swayed back and forth until it got awkward in the
room and my family began to clear their throats and shit. Bella moved from
my lap but continued to sit next to me. Every so often our knees would
bump and she would turn and smile at me.
She whispered in my ear, "Just think of it as a kiss." I looked over to her at
one point...she had on her pink baseball hat with like 3 bows stuck to the
top, ribbons thrown around her neck like some sort of dime store Mardi Gras
necklace and had her Christmas Plaid flannel pajama pants tucked into her
thousand dollar Christian Dior boots. Nothing Vogue worthy but to me she
looked like a million bucks simply because she was smiling and obviously
fucking happier than I had seen her in a while.
Bella gave my mom and dad this huge cream leather-bound journal thing
that was sort of an heirloom family tree book. The idea was that we could all
write in it before the baby was born, because everything was going to
change and she thought things should be documented and remembered how
it was now. My mom loved it and honestly, it was a very thoughtful gift. It
was one of the many reasons I loved Bella so much.
She gave me this funky leather cuff bracelet that I loved and a pale green
cashmere sweater that looked entirely too expensive for Bella's budget. To
be honest, I wasn't too confident about the color but once I tried it on, it
made my eyes look fucking cool so I wore it all day. She also gave me a
huge bag of Hershey's Kisses and Hugs whispering that they for all the times
when she couldn't give me the real thing. I had to look away so that she
couldn't see the pain on my face at those words.
My parents got Bella, Rose and Alice gift certificates at some swanky high
end lingerie store in Seattle which I thought was pretty thoughtful
considering they knew the purchases would likely be used while having sex
with at least two of their children.
They got the three of us helmets, which when we opened them, we instantly
thought we were getting motorcycles. Instead, dad handed us pictures of
ATV's which was just as cool. He figured that since we lived in such a
remote wooded area, we should make use of the acreage. My mother was
obviously pissed about the whole idea of us on Quads, until she opened the
box with the keys to her brand new Mercedes seven passenger SUV in it,
and then all was forgotten and forgiven for the time being.
All of the guys, including my grandfather got little remote control
helicopters from Bella that seriously, were the best gifts ever. The five of us
battled it out like little kids, smashing into each other's aircrafts until
Emmett's blade fell off and he almost cried. Gramps was called in for
emergency surgery right after breakfast, which sucked, temporarily ending
our helicopter war.
The rest of the day was spent playing video games and eating Christmas
cookies and pulverizing the shit out of Bella in ping pong. Seriously, the girl
sucked at any type of sport and was actually damn proud of it. At least
unlike with her blatant disregard for any type of strategy in bowling, she put
some genuine effort into her swings…but she still sucked regardless.
By the time Gran had the lobster tails on the table, Gramps was back from
the hospital, exhausted and covered in snow. Jasper the smart-assed fucker
he is, challenged me to make reindeer out of the dinner napkins, as if that
were even possible. I mean, come on… how would I make the fucking
antlers? I refused to indulge in his stupidity, so instead I made flowers and
stuck them in the wine goblets. Emmett shook his head at me, completely
disgusted with my domesticity.
We ate like slobs licking the butter off our fingers and talking with our
mouths full. We had homemade cherry pie topped with ice cream and then
watched "It's A Wonderful Life" until everyone was passed out. I loved that
movie, and had a weird fondness for Mary for some unknown reason.
The next day we were pretty much snowed in because the plow service was
delayed indefinitely. The hospital paid for it because if they needed my
grandfather in an emergency the last thing they wanted to hear was that he
couldn't get out of his drive. We spent the entire fucking day shoveling the
huge ass driveway and using the stupid snow blower which completely
sucked and made me smell like gasoline and made my hands and arms
vibrate even after I turned the fucker off.
Then Bella came out and decided to make a snow angel in the middle of the
lawn. I hit her smack-dab in the middle of her ass with a snowball, told her it
was a love tap and smirked, while shrugging my shoulders innocently.
Apparently, that was the only way I was ever going to tap that ass…
At least I still had good aim with a ball. She winked at me, picked up some
snow and attempted to make a snow ball. She took a while to line up her
shot and made some grand gesture to throw it at me. It sailed over my head
by a mile and smacked my dad right in the back of his head.
And with that she said, "Oh shit," and ran back into the house. That was the
best part of the day.
By Monday morning we were all kind of stir crazy and cabin fevered, but I
was really afraid to go anywhere local. Em and Jazz wanted to check out this
all inclusive sports arena thing that had opened in the neighborhood. I asked
Bella if she wanted to go and she politely declined saying that she would
prefer to keep the public humiliation of her lack of athletic skills limited to
my grandparents rec room and Forks high school gymnasium, and then
added that she would rather have her toenails ripped out one by one than to
be subjected to the torture of being forced to participate in anything having
to do with sports.
Sometimes I wished she would tell me how she really felt.
My mom and grandmother invited her shopping with them, making both of
us elated that she was able to get out of the house to do something she liked.
I couldn't help but smirk when I overheard her ask if there was a Victoria's
secret in the vicinity, and then quickly cover it up by saying she left her
black bra at home, which I knew was bullshit, because I had seen her black
bra hanging in the bathroom. In fact, I think I may have even felt it up a time
or two. Yeah… I was that fucking desperate.
As she went off to shower, I did the same, alone this time… nursing and
caring for my poor, chafed peen delicately with an ultra soft washcloth. It
reminded me of bald little old man, chaffed and wind burned, sitting
between two giant boulders. All alone, with no one to love.
Jesus Christ, I am a fucking pansy. Most guys think of their dicks as
Anacondas or Generals or Transformers...mine looks like the guy from
Laugh In that can't get on the park bench with out being beat up by the
pigeon lady. First Candid Camera, now Laugh In. Maybe I should call Aro
the Fucker and see if he would like to make a deal. I'll give you what ever is
behind curtain number two if you give me my fucking life back.
I really needed to stop watching that 70's shit on late night TV.
After washing and shaving my sensitive parts thoroughly with extreme care
and caution, I poured some shampoo into my palm, massaging my scalp as I
washed, wondering what it would feel like when Bella ran her hands through
my hair. I was suddenly disturbed from my musings by Emmett, who
without even knocking, barged in, on the phone with Rosalie to take a piss.
It was unlike me to forget to lock the door.
"Bro, don't you fucking knock?" I chided, shaking my head. He ignored me,
continuing to argue as he relieved himself… while on the phone…with his
girlfriend. I wondered if she could hear him and if it grossed her out.
It would serve him right if he dropped his fucking phone right into the toilet.
"Em, don't flush, okay," I implored, reminding him about the fact that
despite the new façade of my grandparents house, the bones of the place
were fucking old and couldn't handle continuity in the water temperature
once a toilet was flushed. He ignored me, pleading with Rose to listen to
him. He was so fucking pussy whipped.
Yeah, I know…I'm one to talk.
I rinsed the soap from my hair, shutting my eyes tightly. I heard the noisy
stream of his piss hitting the water ease up, and I repeated to him again,
"Em…don't fucking flush, okay?"
No answer. Motherfucker…
Still bantering back and forth on the phone, he zipped up his pants.
"Emmett…don't flush the fucking toi…"
And mid sentence, he flushed the goddamn toilet, causing the nice, warm
water to instantly replace with a boiling hot stream. It hit my dick first…my
poor, battered, chafed up, bald dick was now completely scalded.
I screamed like a fucking girl, throwing open the glass door not giving a
fuck that it slammed against the vanity top. Emmett held the phone away
from his ear as his eyes widened in fear.
"Ooohhhfuck…call you back." As his phone snapped shut he tore ass out of
the bathroom, barely making it to the bedroom door before I lunged onto his
back, taking him down with a heavy thud on the carpet. I grabbed his head,
smashing it repeatedly into the floor, half playfully, half-serious, completely
disregarding that I was freezing, fucking sopping wet and stark naked
practically mounting my brother.
Jasper, who was lying leisurely on his fire truck bed perusing through a porn
magazine, peered up and casually remarked, "I am now going to have to
burn my eyes out with bleach, thank you for that, fuckers."
Ignoring him, I continued my assault on Emmett until he managed to
wriggle out of my hold to turn himself on his back. At some point, he tossed
me across the room with one giant shove, the both of us laughing as we
wrestled.
Suddenly, completely out of breath and with great surprise, Emmett said,
"E…what the fuck is up with your dick? You jerked the skin right off it! And
you mowed the lawn right down to the goddamn dirt!"
I looked down realizing that I was indeed in a sad state, just hanging my
head in embarrassment. The little old dude hung his head too.
Emmett gasped with a snicker. "Holy fuck it is true what they say…you play
with it long enough it will shrivel up and fall off! Jesus, E. Are you going
blind too?
E ..can you see me? E talk to me buddy. I'm right here." He waved his hands
in front of my face.
"It's your big brother. How many fingers am I holding up?" he asked
sarcastically, as he flipped me off and I held back a smirk. "Aww fuck, Jazz,
he's blind too." I smacked his hands away huffing and calling him an
asshole.
"Seriously, what's wrong down there?" He made a circle with his hand in
front of my naked crotch, his voice cracking with sincere concern.
Jasper gasped in realization of why I was shaven, sitting up. "Holy fuck! You
did it didn't you? The Clone A Bone thing from the porn shop! Did it work?
Did you use it?"
I buried my face in my hands, before grabbing a shirt that was lying errantly
on the floor to cover myself.
Jesus fucking Christ…as if my sex life wasn't embarrassing enough.
I sighed, bursting into laughter that I couldn't help. "Yes, yes and fucking
no." Emmett demanded an explanation of what Jasper was speaking of, the
three of us getting a good laugh out of it. I made them promise not to say
anything to Bella, because I didn't want her to be embarrassed, or to think
that I deliberately told them. Emmett practically congratulated me for my
resourcefulness with both the sparklepeen and the inventiveness of the mitt,
though ill resulting as it may have been.
But the fucker just couldn't leave well enough alone, because I could hear
him singing, "Jingle balls, Jingle balls, Eddie's got no pubes…" as he walked
out the door.
Once we arrived at the SportsPlex later that afternoon, everyone spilt up to
go their own ways, except for my dad and I. While we checked out the
various options together, he gave me this weird look, wrapping his arm over
my shoulder. He swatted at the brim of my new baseball hat emblazoned
with the Cullen family crest. Not only did I feel wholly privileged to wear it,
but I got the distinct feeling that it made Carlisle proud to see me in it.
"This looks good on you," he said, almost beaming. "How you doing,
kiddo?"
I shrugged. "Not bad. If it weren't for the antidepressants, though, I'd
probably be a mess right now."
He nodded in agreement, exhaling. "I admire your strength. I am proud of
you, and I know you don't like hearing that but it's true and I feel it's
important to let you know that."
I smiled a little. "Thanks, Dad. I uh…I appreciate that. Hey listen, I have a
question for you."
We turned the corner, nearing some batting cages. Just the sight of them
made my heart race a little. I couldn't quite make the distinction between the
feeling coming from anxiety, pent up fear or complete exhilaration. My gaze
was fixated on this little kid, maybe ten years old or so, alone in a cage. His
swing was off and I was itching to correct him. My father cleared his throat
smiling a bit seeing right through me. It was if he could read my mind or
some shit. Weird.
"You wanted to ask me something?"
"Oh…yeah. Um, I noticed that Bella's hair is falling out like… a lot. What's
up with that?"
He cocked his head to the side with his eyebrows furrowed. "Is the hair loss
so significant that she's balding in spots, or is it just excessive sporadic
strands?" All I could picture in my mind was Bella sitting between my legs
on the floor and me picking through her hair like some sort of fucking
monkey.
"Um, no, she's definitely not balding…I don't think…but there's like hair all
over the floor, on her pillowcase and in the drain and it's never been like that
before. I would have noticed something like that. It sort of grosses me out."
"Well, everyone loses hair Edward, it's natural. But significant hair loss like
that is often caused by a hormonal shift such as menopause or pregnancy..."
He quirked his eyebrow at me expectantly.
I held my hands up in defense. "Well, it's not my kid, that's for sure. No dad,
she's still uh… not…um…there's no way she's pregnant." I felt ashamed for
telling my father such personal things about Bella. Surely, she wouldn't
appreciate my dad knowing about her intact virginity. It was kind of ironic
how something 50 years ago made a woman feel proud…now it just
embarrassed her.
He chuckled, seemingly relieved. "Well, that's good then. It can also be
caused by stress. Do you think it's possible that she's under stress? I am
aware that she has anxiety and takes medication for it, so that's a likely
contributor."
"Yeah…she has anxiety, but stress, really?" I honestly could only remember
seeing her stressed out the day before Thanksgiving, and well, a few times
when I had undergone some of my shit. "I wonder…I mean, the only thing
that could possibly stress her out is…me."
Carlisle nodded. "That's not uncommon in relationships, Edward. She's
likely taking on your anxiety as well as her own. You should speak to her
about it. Maybe she could benefit from some therapy as well." His phone
rang before I could reply. As he removed it from his pocket, he glanced at
the screen and muttered, "Shit, it's the office, excuse me."
I stood for a moment amidst the startling sound of individual baseballs being
catapulted out of pitching machines at a steady, rhythmic pace. I had been
inside of batting cages practically all of my life, readying myself as I gripped
the bat in proper form, anticipating the next pitch…preparing to swing,
hitting that motherfucker into the back of the cage. It had been my favorite
thing to do with my hands until I discovered the fine art of masturbation. At
that point, I realized I was quite skilled with my hands in many diverse
areas.
I couldn't keep my eyes off of the kid in the cage. I looked around to see if
he was with an adult, but I saw no one waiting with him. He was obviously
struggling with the bat, showing clear evidence that he was putting some
genuine effort into what he was trying to do. But his whole demeanor was
kind of melancholy and beleaguered.
It was so frustrating watching this kid. First of all, the bat he was using was
the wrong damn size. Where the hell were his parents? He was in a Little
League rated cage using a Pony rated bat. No wonder he couldn't hit the
damn ball. He couldn't have been more than ten years old or so and should
have been in a Bambino cage supplied with the correct equipment before he
got injured. Did anyone even work in this fucking joint that knew what the
hell they were doing?
He had a decent swing but with his bat being too big and the weight drop
being off it was no wonder he couldn't get it around in time. Not to mention
the machine was whizzing fastballs past his head. I could see he had some
definite potential. His stance was okay but everything was working against
him. His fucking elbow was constantly dropping which was frustrating to
watch and I'm sure it was discouraging for him since he never connected
with the ball. He obviously had no guidance and apparently once the jack
offs here got your money they no longer gave two shits.
As I watched him, all these memories flooded my mind. It was so
weird….like a fucking slide show presentation. All my years of watching
and learning and repeating came back to me. Feet apart…Shoulders
square….Heel up… Point and swing… Feet apart… Shoulders square…
Heel up… Point and swing. I could still hear my coaches drilling that
incessantly into my head. It was a basic rule learned the first day of Little
League. And it was funny because after all these years it still ran through my
head everytime I took the plate. Well, everytime I used to take the plate.
I repeated the mantra several times to myself as it was ingrained in my brain.
Drawn like a moth to a flame, I slowly inched closer to the cage, latching my
fingers through the holes in the fence and eventually positioning myself
behind the little boy. Every time my mouth opened to speak, I closed it
before I allowed words to escape. Fuck…was it my place? Who said he even
wanted unsolicited advice from a has–been fuck up?
I surely couldn't get into trouble for harmlessly talking to a ten year old kid
in a public place. What sucked the most was that I was fucking afraid to give
him pointers thinking that someone looking on would think I was a pervert
or something.
God…what the hell have they done to me?
I shook my head internally berating myself for the hesitation.
Oh, man the fuck up already, Masen.
Shit… I mean Cullen.
"Hey Buddy…" The kid turned around timidly.
Releasing one hand from the bat, he pointed to his chest, "Me?"
I nodded, adding softly, "Can you press the red button there? I don't want the
ball to come out when you aren't ready. Do you know you are in the wrong
cage? This one is rated for Little League and up. How old are you?" I kept
my tone soft and steady.
With big blue wide eyes, he replied, "I'm 10. Well, almost…I'll be 10 next
month."
Definitely in the wrong place. "Why don't you come over here to this cage.
The balls are slower and the distance is better." I used my head to point in
the direction of the proper cage.
"But I still have 2 tokens in this machine," he said pointing.
"That's okay, I can cover you. Who are you here with?" I looked around
again and still no parental units.
"Oh, um… my sister works here and my mom dropped me off so I can get a
ride with her when she's done with work. She gives me tokens and I just wait
for her until she's done." Well that explained a whole hell of a lot. This poor
kid likely had no male role models in his life. It was an arrogant assumption
to think that I had any right to think that just because he had poor batting
skills.
"Let me see that bat. Can I show you something?" I quirked an eyebrow at
him and kneeled down so we that were eye level. I remembered when I was
little I hated to look up at people who were talking to me. "See right here, on
the side of the bat. It tells you what division the bat is good for and the drop
weight. Do you know what that is?" He looked at me all big eyed and
curious shaking his head no.
"The drop is the weight difference between how long the bat is and how
heavy it is. This bat is 32 inches long and weighs 29 ounces. I showed him
the numbers on the butt of the handle. It's a negative 3 drop. See here, look."
I showed him the big 3 with the minus sign in front of it. When I leaned the
bat against him, it came about 4 inches above his waist.
"See how high this is against you? This bat is way too big and heavy that's
one of the reasons you are struggling to hit."
"Oh," he said. "I picked it because it had flames on it."
I tried not to roll my eyes, knowing that at ten years old flames were a good
enough reason to choose a bat. "Well I can understand that. It is cool looking
but it's not the right size. Try this one." I put a few tokens in the correct
machine, put his batting helmet back on him and sent him into the cage.
"Now listen… keep your shoulders up, feet apart. Pivot your right foot so
your heel is up." He followed my directions to the letter. "Good. Good. Now
keep your bat level and swing through the ball. Don't let your elbow drop.
Keep it up like a triangle."
His elbow raised so that it was parallel to the floor. "Like this?" he asked
apprehensively.
"Perfect. Now spread your legs apart a little wider." He did as he was told,
shifting on the balls of his sneakers until he seemed comfortable with the
stance.
"Good, now swing," I said, gesturing to the machine in front of us about to
release a ball. It catapulted another ball over to him at which point the kid
swung his bat in a near perfect arc smashing the ball into the net behind the
device. He turned back toward me beaming.
"That was great, buddy. Try it again." I could see him going through the
mantra in his head...feet apart… shoulders square…heel up… point and
swing. He prepared himself to go again, this time definitely swinging for the
fences. I could plainly see from his posture and overall heightened
appearance that he was proud of himself. He finished out the tokens grinning
widely.
I was about to walk off to find my father, who had yet to return, but the kid
motioned with his hand for me to approach him. He opened the cage and I
stood at the doorway.
"Thank you for your help. It worked, what you said!" He was so fucking
happy it made my heart swell for him.
"Good, I'm glad to help," I replied.
"My name's Ethan, but my friends call me E sometimes," he said, proudly
holding his hand out for me to shake.
I held my hand out to him in response, smirking at the little man in front of
me. "I'm Edward, and my friends call me E too."
He grinned at that. "It's your turn now." He handed me the bat with the
flames on it. One almost identical to the one in my equipment bag stuffed
into the back of the garage.
I stood gaping at the bat he was generously holding out toward me, a shred
of panic rising in my throat. Could I do this? What was the fucking big deal
anyway…it was just a bat. But a part of me was just afraid to feel the
aluminum in my hands again, knowing that once it was in my grip, and
hearing the ping as the ball hit the sweet spot it would ignite that passion
once again. Could I even fucking handle that?
Taking a deep breath, I took the bat from Little Man E and stepped back
taking a few practice swings. The bat was a little off balance I was sure due
to the amount of abuse it took here from all the know-nothing fuckers. It was
pretty beat up, but then again, so was I. We matched in a fucked up kind of
way. The paint was worn away where at one time colorful flames had been
thoughtfully painted. The irony did not escape me.
E smiled up at me and handed me the helmet he had on and along with a
token that I had placed on the bench in front of the cage.
"Go on in E," he said cheerfully. "I wanna see how a pro does it."
With a sigh and a meek almost apologetic smile, I replied, "I'm no pro,
buddy."
"You are the closest thing I have ever been to one. Please, can I watch you?
My sister doesn't get off work for another…" He glanced up at the large wall
clock... "half hour. She gets off at three and I'm all out of tokens."
I immediately felt bad knowing that I had been the reason he wasted the rest
of his tokens when I pulled him from the improper cage. I took the batters
helmet from him, turned my baseball hat around and slipped it over my
head. The weight and constriction of it around my head was so familiar it
actually scared me a little. I adjusted it so the holes were over my ears and
stepped into the cage. I then set the ball speed and tapped the painted faux
home plate in front of me to make sure I was the correct distance away.
Then it happened.
THONK!
The ball escaped the machine and whizzed right by my head. I hadn't even
seen it coming. I stepped back and shook my head. Replays of the day I lost
my best friend and teammates played in my mind.
Standing in the judge's chamber.
The appalled look on my Mom's face.
The shitty grins of Charlotte's parents.
THONK!
Another ball right by me. I stepped back again, my heart racing and the
beating pulsing thickly in my ears.
Ethan walked over to the fence. "You ok, Dude? You have to pay attention
man…that ball almost clocked ya."
I looked up to see his concerned face. I could only imagine what he was
thinking.
I nodded to him to let him know I had heard him before walking up to the
plate. Seriously, I felt like I was fucking four years old again...scared,
clueless, thrilled. I grinned slightly, remembering what the coach would tell
me when I was little. "Don't let the balls just go by ya, Eddie. At least try to
swing. Always go down swinging. At least you'll know you tried."
So the ball came again…feet apart…. shoulders straight… heel up…
And this time I fucking swung hitting right through the mother fucking ball.
Right through all my hurt and pain and shame. Right through the
antidepressants and the fucking panic attacks. Swung right through a year of
faking my life and lies and fucking probation officers. Hit right through
court imposed therapy and bullshit restraining orders. And I hit again and
again and again until my wrists were killing me and my hands stung so bad
they burned like they were on fire.
I looked over to Ethan. He was right there hanging on the fence the same
position I was in not too long ago. Except this time, he was helping me. He
offered me a huge smile, dimples big as the fucking Grand Canyon.
"That was awesome, Edward. I have to go, my sister just called me. Thanks
again for your help. It was great meeting you." He waved as he turned to
leave.
I called after him, "Hey Ethan? It was great meeting you too, buddy. Don't
forget what I taught you, okay?" He walked away grinning.
Exhaling a huge exhausted, emotionally battered breath, I stepped out of the
cage, leaned the bat against it and sat down my helmet. Picking up my
tokens from their place on the bench, I walked away from the cage, my mind
going a million directions.
Across the dome, I heard Em's hearty laugh as he, Jazz and dad hit a bucket
of balls into a golf swing simulator. I stood back and watched as they joked
with each other and tried to get one another to screw up. I glanced around
the new facility. Foosball and pool tables over to the right. A pro shop to the
left. A restaurant and a bar. This place was laid out. Too bad Forks didn't
have something like this.
Then I saw it…a virtual pitching simulator. Shaking off the chills that crept
down my spine, I walked towards it looking back to make sure they guys
were still occupied. The tokens cupped in my hand suddenly felt like a
thousand fucking pounds.
I read the directions, which seemed relatively simple: Throw the ball and a
speed gun recorded how fast the ball was going when it hit the backdrop.
Extra points for speed and accuracy if you hit the target. There was an
outline of a batter painted on the screen with a target painted behind him.
An older gentleman walked over to me and sat down bucket of balls,
handing me a pitchers mitt. I turned and looked at him quizzically.
"On the house," he said. "Thanks for taking the time with Ethan this
afternoon. He needed someone to help him and I just don't have the time.
You play?" He looked at me expectantly for a response.
"Used to." I answered him flatly.
"Well, for someone who 'used to' you are pretty damn good." As he turned
and walked away, I mumbled my thanks to him not knowing if he heard or
not.
With a tremendous amount of apprehension, I picked up the top ball. It was
worn and scratched and really dirty, making me scrunch my nose at the
thought of how many filthy hands had been sweating on it. Regardless, for
some reason I felt the compulsion to sniff it. The leather aroma and the
rough feel of it in my hand as I rand my thumb over the surface made my
chest feel suddenly tight. I threw it up and caught it in the same hand over
and over and over.
Again, the fucking power point display of "This is Your Life" flashed in my
head.
My father signing the papers at the court house.
Going away to school.
My first line of coke.
Packing up my house.
Jazz saying goodbye to Emily.
My grandmother's tears when we stopped by that afternoon to tell her what
happened.
Without even realizing it, the ball left my hand and soared towards the
target. 74 mph the speed flashed. Fucking ball. The game taunted me by
flashing the words Little League Loser across the screen.
I picked up another ball and another and another. 78…78…80 mph.
I was starting to sweat. My hand hurt like a bitch from batting without a
glove but I didn't give a fuck anymore. 82 mph...High School Heartthrob ran
across the screen. Yeah, that's me…
I hated this fucking game. Suddenly a voice came into my ear from behind
me.
"You shaved your balls and now you throw like a girl." I turned to sneer.
Fucking Emmett.
I knew he would never let me live it down. I threw again. 82
mph...82...84 ...85. Joe Cool College flashed as the game continued to fuck
with me.
"Jingle ball.. Jingle ball... Jingle ball...no cock," Em sang. I was beginning to
hate him as much as this fucking machine. I turned to glare at him once
again, seething. From my periphery, I saw Jazz and Dad standing quietly to
the side. Seemed Em was the only one stupid enough to come near me.
Lifting my hand to the brim of my hat, I turned it backwards. The Cullen
Crest was now covered with the sweat that had soaked through the cotton. I
loathed sweaty hats.
I picked up another ball, this time with no fucking hesitation.
Fucking Peter and his fucking lies wanting to kick my ass.
Hurting Charlotte.
Having to run from a bowling ally like a fucking pussy.
My girl. Everything she was giving up to be with me. No hugs. No dances.
No kissing. No sex.
Fuck this shit.
89 mph..90...
Emmett's even voice again, "I figured your balls would be faster…you
know…since they are all smooth and all aerodynamic and shit. No wind
resistance."
91 ...91...92 mph...Sexy Semi-Pro flashed on the screen.
"Ed's nuts roasting on an open fire. Bella's bra glistening in the snow."
Emmett was going to get his stupid fucking ass kicked.
93 mph...94...95....95....95....
With a grunt and an extension of my leg stretching over the mound, I let the
last ball go with everything that was fucking burning inside me. My
shoulder was screaming... my heart was about to jump out of my chest.
101 mph. High Score flashed. Fireworks exploded noisily on the screen in
huge simulated bursts. Exhausted, and utterly fucking spent emotionally and
physically, I sank down onto the mound…a broken train wreck. My knees
automatically pulled up to my chest with my head hanging between, the
sweat pouring off my forehead. The mitt hung loose in my burning hands
with an empty bucket at my side.
Em's voice was again in my ear, only now I didn't have the resolve to
challenge him. "How's it feel to throw them instead of stroke them for a
change?" He extended his hand to pull me upright and then typed my name
into the high score listing with a proud nod.
"Let's get you out of here and ice that shoulder. I knew you had it in you."
I was a sweating, shaking mess. My arm felt like a wet noodle, my hand was
covered in blisters, my tee shirt was drenched in sweat. And my mind…well
my mind was racing with a cacophony of scattered emotions that I couldn't
quite grasp or even fathom that I would ever feel again.
Despite the looks I was receiving from the small crowd that had gathered, as
well as the bewildered expressions on my dad and Jazz, I smirked outwardly.
I had finally mustered up the fucking balls to proudly take back what was
mine leaving me to actually feel some semblance of what I had thought I
would never get back…
The feeling of being worthy.
The feeling of being whole.
~%~

No joke...the meatloaf thing really happened to me. My Mother in law is

fucking insane.
Oh by the way, thank you for everyone who voted for HA in the
Shimmer Awards. HA did not win…it came damn close but it was an
honor to be nominated nevertheless. I still have my winning bicycle
memories to keep me warm at night.
Fic recs:
This Is Not My Life By Isakassees- Edward is a single dad with a four
year old daughter who literally runs into Bella at the grocery store. The
two are suddenly held at gunpoint by an insane man (James) who
kidnaps them, thinking they are his escaped wife and daughter. This is
original and dark and frightening but very cool at the same time.
Isakassees is a new author, and this fic deserves more reviews/ readers.
Show her some love.
Eye Contact by Silver Sniper of Night- Bella is a Special Ed teacher,
Edward has Asperger's syndrome…a high functioning form of Autism.
They fall in love and it's awkward, sweet, painfully honest and realistic,
and so very, very lovely. It's so different, well written and accurate, I am
just floored and in love and I have never rooted for two people to be
together more.
And ahhhhhh…Master of the Universe by Snowqueens Icedragon:
Strange, intriguing, humorous, addicting, and the best use of emails in a
fic that I have ever seen. Oh and it's BDSM…yum. I dare you to start
reading and try to put it down.

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009 /2010
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Thank you as always to Becca for proofing and Suzy for everything else,
particularly for making phone calls to Vegas. You are the best research
assistant Evah!. Very special thanks to Just Dazzled for all the
Milwaukee info. I am sending naked ironing Edward to you with a joint,
a bottle of brandy and a vibrator…no meatcake. You can do whatever
you like with him and his accessories.
There was a large incursion of new readers/ reviewers with the last
chapter. I was completely overwhelmed by the fact that there were more
reviews for chapter 25 than there were for my entire first ff story. I
think that's kind of cool. Thank you for your kind words and all your
support and patience with the story. Love and sparklepeens to the girls
on the thread even though you insist on disgracing it with talk of sports,
and also to the Twitter Twats who are just a whole lotta sunshiny fun!
Big stuff on the way, I promise.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 26~ On Thin Ice
Cause you're everything I want
Baby, you're everything I need inside of me
And you're everything I love
And I just want to be with you
It's true
I fell in love with you
I know
I will never be alone
I just want to find
A way to make you mine
First Glance~ Stephen Speaks
~Bella~
I once had heard somewhere that you don't really know a person until you
live with them.
The opportunity to live in a home with three teenage boys was a unique
experience I would never forget, and as much as I had longed for siblings, I
had since developed a sincere appreciation for being an only child. This trip
allowed me to view Edward and his family in a whole new light. The boys
had initially gone from being their polite, gentlemanly, on their very best
behaved selves, to just downright crass and disgusting and ugh… male.
Just walking past the bedroom the three of them shared was an act of assault
and battery on my olfactory senses. The stink burned all my nose hairs off…
and maybe even some of the ones on my head.
I suppose I was glad and should feel some sort of honor that they thought of
me as one of their family, but the farting, burping, snot rockets, random
wedgies and general gross boy behavior was going to take some getting used
to.
Esme deserved a medal…a big gold one.
On the other hand, for two people that had been married for over ten years,
Esme and Carlisle were for lack of a more appropriate term…horny. I caught
them twice copping feels on each other and making out under the
mistletoe….like hardcore porn making out. I mean it was sweet and stuff to
some extent, but kind of gross at the same time because that was like,
Edward's parents and the thought of them having sex was just…ewww. And
since she was pregnant, unless the baby was the result of the second
Immaculate Conception, Edward must have realized that he was, indeed, the
only Cullen man not getting laid.
I didn't even mention it to him because he was going through enough and I
didn't want to add upsetting visuals to the rest of his shit. I knew that
personally witnessing Charlie and Maggie rubbing up against each other
might send me over the edge. It was a wonder why schools just didn't show
pictures of parents having sex because that would be a great form of birth
control.
Because of the pretty severe setback from the bowling alley night, Edward
was understandably displaying a little more OCD tendencies than usual,
causing me to worry a bit. He had rearranged all the stuff in my bathroom
and I'd watched him one afternoon tweaking all the photo frames set along
the wooden fireplace mantle, so that they were just right. He even
reorganized the ornaments on the Christmas tree so that they were
completely symmetric. When he was shoveling the snow after Christmas, I
watched him work in perfect consecutive paths, as opposed to the haphazard
lines Em and Jasper created.
Even on Christmas morning as we were opening gifts, he would tear off the
wrapping paper ever so carefully, fold it in half and then immediately
deposit it into the trash bag before he progressed to open the gift. He had
always been overly meticulous at home too, but I noticed it was growing
progressively worse here. He wouldn't begin eating until his silverware was
lined up, his water glass was full, and his food was neatly on his plate, none
of it touching. By the time he put the first forkful into his mouth I wondered
if it was even still warm. In the mean time, Em and Jazz were on their
second helpings...calling him a fucking weirdo, effectively making it worse
for him.
It was so bizarre, even more so than usual.
I totally got that he had some idiosyncrasies and quirks, and I loved him all
the more for possessing them because they made Edward the beautiful freak
that he was, but it seemed that being in Chicago was intensifying his
eccentric behaviors. On top of it, he was having awful nightmares always
about being chased or persecuted. He would end up in my room only to
wake me up with his moaning and sleep talking that was clearly indicative
of a nightmare.
Antidepressants were known for producing beautifully wild, vivid, realistic
dreams that often left a person wondering if it was indeed dream at all, but
unfortunately, as intense as the good dreams were, the bad ones held the
same magnitude on the opposite spectrum. I would ask him about the
dreams afterward, but he said he couldn't remember them at all. His eyes
told me differently. I wasn't stupid enough to know they were Charlotte
related and maybe even sexual in nature, and Edward was likely protecting
me by not telling me the sordid details.
On his laptop, I looked up OCD and what I discovered was at least a bit of
relief. It was common for a person that had overly neat tendencies to have
those behaviors exacerbated by stress or anxiety. The situation with
Charlotte at the bowling alley complied with the general overwhelming
sense of angst with being back in the source of where it all had happened
was bringing out Edward's deepest insecurities. He was afraid to leave the
house, for fear of running onto Charlotte again and having irrational fears of
being persecuted by old ladies wielding stinky meatloaf and quality liquor.
And all the neatness stuff, well, it was apparent that essentially, Edward was
over- controlling all of the things he could.
Though I wanted to, I never said anything to him. I just remained supportive
and loving even though I was really worried. I wasn't like Freud or anything
so I was basically going off of the textbook articles that Google was giving
me, and honestly, I felt like if I went to Carlisle with my concerns, I was
afraid Edward would feel as though I was betraying him…again. I really
didn't know how to help him and that was very frustrating. I began to
wonder if I left things messy purposely it would give him something to
do...something to control. I could be a complete slob and then he could
travel behind me like Mr. Clean. I bet he would still look hot if he were bald
with an earring.
Since running into Charlotte at the bowling alley, I had sincerely given up on
the idea that I could confront her, or talk some sense into her or smack the
bitch upside the head…whatever the case may have allowed. Personally, I
would have liked to get into a lying whore smack down as opposed to a
civilized girl chat, but somehow I felt that would get Edward into some
serious trouble and that was the last thing I had wanted. Honestly, when I
stuck the heel of my new fuckawesome boots up her ass, I shuddered to
think of that damage that would be done…to the boots of course.
Fuck that dumb bitch. And suddenly my life was the Forks version of the
Jerry Springer show. All I needed was a baby daddy and fewer teeth.
Even so, I knew where she worked from the pictures she had made public on
her Facebook account and I had been going through a myriad of ways in my
mind to get there inconspicuously. One of the pictures had her holding up a
certificate for her one year anniversary at the store, so I assumed that none of
the Cullen's were aware that she worked there. So when Edward asked if I
wanted to join him at some stupid sports arena, though I was saddened by
the idea of spending the day without him, I accepted the invitation to go
shopping, knowing it would be my only viable opportunity to do what I
needed to do.
However the more preferable of the two options, the idea of shopping with
Gran and Esme had me extremely nervous. I mean, not only for the reason
that I was seeking out Edward's lying whore of an ex friend, but also for the
skeptical way Esme had glared at me when I mentioned I wanted to swing
by a Victoria's Secret. I had to lie about forgetting my bra, hoping that would
placate her. But even if the glare wasn't because she suspected me of hunting
down Charlotte, I knew that she would have found a way to stop me. And
because she and Carlisle had given me and the girls certificates to an upscale
lingerie store for Christmas, it didn't make sense that she would be mad
about going to a lingerie store in Chicago.
I chalked it up to erratic pregnancy hormones…who knew?
Even though I had spent numerous family dinners and plenty of quality time
conversing with Esme on social and personal levels, I still found it difficult
to look her in the eye. There was an underlying tone of hers that indicated
she knew her son and I were up to no good when we were alone. I wasn't
quite sure if the subtle malevolence was because Edward could get into
trouble with the law because of our illicit canoodling, or if it was just the
mere fact that her baby boy was deflowering the girl next door with a
sparkly replica of his penis. I mean she did "catch" us in the act sort of, that
time in her guest suite, and she knew damn well that Edward had slept in my
bed a few times here. My best guess was that she was under the assumption
we were actually getting one another off in the traditional sense behind
closed doors and lying our asses off about it. If that were only true.
I mean, if we were going to be blamed for something, we might as well have
been guilty for actually doing it.
Regardless, every now and then I could feel her looking at me in this odd
way, making me feel extremely uncomfortable. However, once we were
knee high in after Christmas sales, we were actually having a very nice time.
I got the distinct feeling that both Gran and Esme were enjoying the girlie
bonding and the sense of normalcy I was providing them with even though I
was a constant reminder to them about what Edward couldn't do.
I finally came to the realization somewhere between Nordstrom's sale racks
and the vacant Santa display that Charlotte had not only ruined E's life but
she had also single handedly ruined the lives of those he loved. I watched
the interaction between Gran and Esme and realized that he was not the only
one who lost a part of himself in this mess. They had all lost the Edward
they knew and loved as well.
As we passed the popular lingerie store, with my heart thumping and palms
sweating, I casually peered in to see if I could spot her. The shop was pretty
crowded in the midst of their semi annual buy one get one half off or some
shit, so I couldn't see much beyond the scantily clad size negative four
mannequins in desperate need of a steak and a big ol' slab of cheesecake. My
stomach was in knots and I was definitely undergoing an outer body
experience thing because every time I thought of what I was planning on
doing, I sent myself into the onset of a panic attack.
Who the hell was I kidding trying to attempt this? She would probably kick
my ass right between the giant sparkly angel wings and the push up bras.
But if it helped Edward, then I had to attempt to try. I owed him that much.
At the very least, I would come home with a pair of black lace boy shorts for
him to ogle my ass in. The other night, he had mumbled something about
them in his sleep and then moaned. And lets face it… when my boy moaned
I was putty in his capable not -able- to- touch- me -with- hands.
After two hours of perusing high-end stores and pushing our way in and out
of sporadic crowds, Esme decided that it was time to eat because the baby
was hungry. I was starving as well, but too nervous to really eat anything
substantial. We ordered lunch at the food court, I took a few bites of my
salad while they chatted and then I casually excused myself to go "buy my
bra."
Like the chicken shit that I was, it took some time for me to actually enter
the store. I paced outside the doors getting strange looks from the rent-a cops
hired apparently to secure the rowdy bra buying crowd. My heart was
beating particularly fast, and though I had no idea if she was even working, I
was terrified by the thought of confrontation. But I gave myself a silent pep
talk which included cringe worthy visuals of Edward's broken peen courtesy
of me and my shitty hand job with that damn loofah mitt, took a deep
cleansing breath, and finally stepped forward.
This was for E. Because no one other than his family stood up for him. No
one believed in him and I had to right that wrong.
It took me like a good five minutes to even cross the threshold, all shaking
and sweating and on the verge of vomiting into the c cups. I had the feeling
that if I took a cursory glance in one of the many mirrors around the mall,
my skin would be sporting a lovely green hue. Once I finally made it inside
the lingerie store, I nodded to the skinny greeter chick at the entrance who
cheerfully informed me of the half price sale that she apparently thought I
was too incompetent to see the gigantic signage for, and made my way
around the first table of panties. Craning my neck inconspicuously, I looked
around for blonde hair, but found a plethora of too- skinny brunettes.
When the second pain in my ass salesgirl asked if I wanted help, I
swallowed my fear. Without making eye contact I said in a very quiet voice,
"Um…is Charlotte working today?" Half of me was ashamed because I
really, really wanted to her to say no, so I could just get the hell out of there
unscathed and un-traumatized. The other half…the bad ass bitch who was
desperate to give her boyfriend back his life while at the same time wanted
to lose her virginity half…said, "Bring it the fuck on."
But I reminded myself that I was here for a definite purpose, when she
replied, "Oh yeah, she's on the fitting rooms today. Would you like me to get
her for you?"
I almost threw up. I mean seriously, like… puked amongst the panties.
"Um…no thank you, I'll find her," I replied in a tiny, very pathetic voice
while swallowing past the gargantuan lump that had formed in my throat.
She smiled, quickly fixed the mess that I had made of the panties in front of
her and turned on her heel to harass someone else. Momentarily, my
thoughts shifted to Edward, who would have a frigging field day amongst
the neatly layered, color coordinated undies. He could cop a feel and
colorize all at the same time. It would be like fucking Christmas and his
birthday in one shot.
Because I couldn't just verbally accost the girl, I knew that I needed to
devise some sort of surreptitious plan. I grabbed a few cute nightgowns on
satin hangers, and made my way ever so slowly to the dressing room area
praying that Charlotte didn't instantaneously recognize me from the bowling
alley and freak. One of my wayward curls had popped into my line of vision,
reminding me that I had worn my hair slicked back in a pony tail that night.
But today, it was down in big poufy curls, because I had let it air dry, not
wanting to lose any more hair than I had already been. We had been there for
about three seconds before I jumped up to followed Edward in his abrupt
escape, so I seriously doubted that she would have even been able to see
anything but the back of me fleeing.
I stood at the entrance to the dressing room near the rack teeming with
discarded clothes, throat dry and heart racing. My stomach lurched when I
saw wisps of corn silk blonde hair lying against a black sweater. She was
rehanging a pink nightgown onto clips of the satin hanger they had been
removed from. I wasn't sure what I expected to see. Horns maybe peeking
through her blonde locks…a pitchfork…fangs perhaps? But I took a good
look at her before she was able to realize that I wasn't just another customer
waiting to get her attention.
Charlotte was pretty. She had the silkiest blonde hair that fell just past her
shoulders, big blue eyes and thick lashes framing them. She wore too much
makeup in my opinion, and the shade of pink lipstick was much too insipid
for her pale skin, but her simple diamond stud earrings and the platinum
heart shaped ring on her third finger told me that she came from money. Her
tailored black pants and simple sweater were elegant and clearly expensive,
flattering her voluptuous curves. She definitely wasn't one of those waify
brunette girls the store employed. I wondered why a girl with wealthy
parents would even need to work at all.
In the seconds before her eyes met mine, I evaluated this girl standing to the
left of me, so seemingly innocent and likeable. She knew what it felt like to
hug Edward and to have her mouth on his, to be wrapped in his scent and
she knew what it felt like to have him inside of her, to hear him moan
because she was able to make him feel good, regardless if he was barely
coherent at the time. She knew Edward before he was angry and bitter and
broken. She was privileged enough to watch him grow from a boy to a
young man, to witness the successes he achieved in sports and in school, to
watch him able to be social with his large group of friends. She knew him
when he smiled freely and when he was fun to be around, during a time he
had absolute control of his life and his destiny until she took it away from
him.
And as much as I wanted to run back to the safety of the food court, I knew I
needed to do my very best to take that control back from her.
I watched her hands… freshly manicured nails with elegant white tips flutter
over the fabric of the nightgown she was smoothing out. I imagined those
hands on Edward…skimming his face, tangled in his hair. Maybe when she
ran those nails down his chest, she touched his new piercing, causing him to
hiss in pain…or maybe he didn't even feel it at all because he was so heavily
medicated and inebriated. Maybe before he realized what was even
happening, he enjoyed feeling her on top of him, being inside of her…
Ugh…
What she took from him so offhandedly, was so very, very precious to me.
At the precise moment, I realized that not only did I absolutely loathe her for
what she had done but I was also jealous of her for being able to do it. I
never dawned on me how closely those two emotions ran until I looked at
her hands.
Dear God,
Please let this go well. Please give me the courage to actually speak to her
and please, I beg you please make her listen. I know that I ask a lot from you
but it all relates to the same thing and I would sacrifice anything I have if
you could just…
"Can I help you?" Her gleaming white smile was half-genuine, imposed
simply because her position required her to be friendly and courteous. And
though it was a monotonous question for her that she asked a million times a
day, it was undoubtedly nothing but poignant for me.
"Yes, you can help me," I replied in a quick rush of breath, not really able to
feel my voice or my hands and feet for that matter. She furrowed her blonde
perfectly arched eyebrows at me, likely thinking about how weird I was,
before taking the items from me to hang on the peg in the closest empty
fitting room. Her hand brushed mine, warm and soft… hands that had been
all over Edward when he wanted them and when he didn't.
Just as she turned to leave me, she said casually, "My name is Charlotte and
I'll be right outside if you need anything." I almost hurled on her expensive
black shoes.
Before she could leave, in a moment of instinctive self preservation that
launched my innermost basic fight or flight response, I grabbed her hand in
mine, stopping her.
Stay strong, Bella. Edward needs you to do this.
"Charlotte…" I pressed my lips together, blinking at her blankly, still with
her hand enclosed in mine. The irony of the fact that I was holding the hand
of the girl who had prevented me from holding the hand of the boy I loved
was not absent. Her smile faltered a bit as she studied my face in confusion.
Her blue gaze skimmed down the length of my body quickly, assessing my
clothes before resting at the top of my head and then back to my eyes.
She gasped, backing up a step. Her free hand covered her mouth and the
pointed at me. "I know you…you're were with Ed…you were at the bowling
alley!"
The bitch couldn't even say his name.
I nodded, confirming her observation. It dawned on me that she recognized
me, which made me wonder just how long she had been hiding in the
shadows at the bowling alley spying on us before she made her presence
known.
"I need you to listen to me, please…" I begged. The stern, determined tone
of voice that I had planned to use was lost in the anxiety of the
confrontation. What was left was that of a little girl, begging to be heard,
pleading to help the only person she had ever loved.
"I can't talk to you," she snapped, shaking her head back and forth, trying to
pull her hand away from mine. I remained steadfast, scrutinizing her
wavering tone. Her throat bobbed as she swallowed and her eyes blinked
back tears.
Fear?
I knew getting to the point was crucial, as I did not have a lot of time before
she bolted. "He told me what happened that night. He told me the truth. You
don't understand what this has done to him, Charlotte. He's so…broken and
damaged…and he's hurting so bad. What happened between the two of you
changed everything for him…"
Her hand remained in mine, softening, as her shoulders slumped forward
slightly.
Guilt?
Charlotte's voice softened to a whisper. "I can't talk to you…I'm not
supposed to talk to anyone associated with him…"
"I know that and I'm sorry, but I didn't know what else to do. I am just
asking you to listen, okay? And to just …please, please tell the truth. I am
begging you to do the right thing." She shook her head vehemently, mashing
her lips into a tight line, insistent that she needed to leave. In a last ditch
effort to make the endeavor worth anything, I spilled forth Edwards's darkest
secrets to his greatest enemy in the ultimate betrayal of trust.
"Charlotte, please…his court mandated therapy isn't working at all and he
has to take medication just to function…he's having terrible nightmares and
his OCD is so bad now…and he does destructive things to himself," I added,
leaving out specifics, because I did not want to reveal that he was drinking
and smoking weed and self medicating. Maybe she would take it as he was
cutting or something…it wasn't true, but it could only help the situation
further for her to think even worse things. Her eyes shut momentarily as she
took in what I was telling her.
Please sink in, please understand.
"He doesn't have any friends other than his brothers and…he refuses to even
touch a baseball. His whole life is gone because of this. I didn't know him
before, but the boy that you knew…the boy that you loved…is gone now. I
need you to help me get him back. Please…please Charlotte." My knees
buckled and tears sprang to my eyes as I implored her to tell the truth. "You
were friends…you loved him…"
She covered her mouth to strangle a sob or a gasp, I couldn't quite tell. "He
doesn't play ball anymore?" she asked, her eyes drenched in an emotion that
appeared to be sorrow or maybe guilt or pity even. "I didn't know…I…I'm
sorry. I'm so sorry." She shook her head, staring at one of the corners of the
fitting room, suddenly detached… repeating, "I'm sorry."
"I love him so very, very much…and I can't even hold his hand," I
whispered. Two fat tears rolled down her cheeks, which she swatted away
quickly with the sleeve of her sweater. Whether it an admission of her
untruths or just the fact that she felt badly about what she had done to him, I
couldn't determine readily... but it felt as though I had made some progress.
I had reached her.
However, as the sleeve rode up on her wrist, I noticed a thick purple line
across the skin. It only took a second to see that it was obviously a print
from a thumb being pressed aggressively against her wrist.
Before I could even think about the consequences, I spoke again. Like a
metaphorical knight slaying the dragon directly through his heart, I targeted
her weak spot.
"I know Peter still hurts you, Charlotte. I saw the bruise. Are you going to
keep letting him hurt you? Who are you going to blame it on this time?"
Charlotte's crushed demeanor quickly shifted as she wriggled her hand away
from mine to wrap her arms around herself defensively. She glared at me.
Her eyes hardened and narrowed. "You don't know anything," she snapped.
Someone called out her name behind the fitting room door. "I have to go
now, I have customers."
I nodded, knowing I had completely blown it by bringing up Peter. "Thank
you for listening," I added softly as she disappeared through the doorway,
not looking back.
I had lost her.
As quickly as she exited, I did the same, disregarding the items hanging on
the peg and the cheerful, "Have a good day!" called out by the salesgirl as I
fled the store. Pushing my way through the crowds, I arrived back at the
food court just in time to see Esme and Gran tossing their leftovers in the
trash.
"Oh good you're back, we were just coming to find you," Esme smiled. She
reached out to smooth a curl away from my face. The gesture was so
affectionate, so motherly and loving, that it made me long for my own
mother's hand. "Are you okay, Sweetie? You look as though you've been
crying."
I shook my head, fighting the urge to let the obviously waiting tears go. "I
just don't feel well. Do you mind if we go?" I asked, failing to control the
tremors in both my voice and my hands. They both nodded, looking at each
other in motherly concern.
The drive home was quiet. I sat in the back contemplative and sulking,
feeling guilty about my intentions of not telling Edward about what I had
done. I knew it was wrong to lie, or in this case omit, but my talk with
Charlotte didn't seem to do anything but agitate her in the end. And now I
just had to hope and pray that she wouldn't "tell on me."
All I did was fucking pray these days. My knees were getting sore.
By the time we pulled in the driveway, the sun had set and Gran had called
home for someone to defrost a tray of lasagna from the freezer. I was still
starving with a dull hunger headache biting over my eyes, but had no actual
appetite. I had convinced myself that I had done the right thing by talking to
Charlotte, and that to tell Edward about it would be for naught. He didn't
need the extra stress.
My objective was to grab some Advil and lie down, but when I saw Edward
straddling the back of a kitchen chair shirtless, it shocked me so much that I
stood frozen in the doorway. Good God he was beautiful. Emmett was
behind him with a Ziploc full of ice, pressing one hand into Edward's
shoulder, and the bag of ice just underneath. Edward's beautiful handsome
face twisted into an obviously pained expression as the cold hit his bare
flesh, an aching groan coming from his mouth as his head lolled forward. It's
funny how a moan from his mouth went directly to my lady bits.
"My God, what happened?" Esme screeched, dropping her shopping bags as
she darted to her son's side.
Edward looked up, met my gaze and this crazy half crooked smile/ half
smirk thing lit up the soft lines of his face. I had never seen this grin
before…it was entirely new. Ignoring his mother's panic, he whispered,
"Hey Beautiful."
"Hi Handsome, are you okay?" I whispered, stopping inches from his chair
to squat down in front of him. The brim of his baseball hat was low on his
forehead, so I had to lift it off to see his eyes. He ran a hand through his
sweaty matted hair apologetically.
"Sorry, I'm sweaty mess. But I'm…I'm good." He smirked again, looking
down and hissing when Emmett kneaded his shoulder deeper. "Em…easy,
Bro."
"My boy Eddie here found himself a virtual pitching machine. Fucking kid
threw a fastball at 101 miles an hour." Emmett beamed proudly shooting his
gaze toward me. Esme gasped, exchanging a glance with Emmett and then
me.
"I assume that's good?" I asked innocently, wishing I knew more about the
sport.
Edward shrugged his shoulders wincing with the action and muttering "Ow.
Fuck," under his breath.
"Are you kidding? It's amazing!" Emmett replied.
"The world record is 103," Carlisle responded with proud fatherly
enthusiasm, walking in from the den. He kissed Esme on the lips hard,
making all of us snort and look away uncomfortably, before ruffling
Edward's hair and ducking into the fridge for a beer.
"I'm telling you, the monitor was wrong. There's no way Edward would be
able to throw a ball that fast with his arm being out of shape for so long. It's
like physically impossible. Pros on their best day don't throw that fast."
Jasper shoveled a heaping handful of Cheese Doodles into his mouth. He
tilted the bag toward me, and I stuck my hand inside greedily. Without a
sound, Edward opened his mouth expecting me to feed him, which I gladly
did.
"Come on…you saw it Jazz. E threw that ball at 101," Emmett argued. His
family talked over each other excitedly arguing about whether it was
possible, and then arguing about why they were even arguing in the first
place, none of them really aware of the big picture…that Edward had picked
up the fucking ball in the first place.
On both the inside and outside I was beaming for him with elation, entirely
overshadowing my angst from the mall. It was a huge step for him, and
Edward's overall demeanor showed that he was not only proud of himself,
but unquestionably exuberant. His eyes were alight and almost sparkly.
Emmett pursed his lips defiantly. "Well if that's the case then, maybe it was
even faster. I mean, who's to say he couldn't throw that ball at like…one
hundred and six miles per hour?"
Edward rolled his eyes dramatically, obviously growing annoyed and
uncomfortable at the attention. "Em…anything over one hundred and three
is practically impossible. It's a simple law of physics. There is a definite
limit to how much torque a human can produce." He turned to me
explaining, "Torque is the angular force that causes a change in rotation."
"Sure, of course," I mumbled rolling my eyes as if I understood any of that. I
had been completely distracted because I couldn't stop staring at his nipples
through the open slats of the chair back.
"The reason that pitchers struggle to throw a ball faster than one hundred
and three miles per hour is because once you get to that speed, if a person
were to put any more torque on their elbow, it would probably snap. It's
um…I think…80 Newton-meters of torque on a pitchers elbow when he
throws it at 100 mph, which is about all the human body can take. That's
why pitchers can't to go past that point." He shrugged as everyone stared at
him incredulously. I loved that he was so smart.
Who knew science could be so panty dampening? Edward should teach
Biology naked. All the girls would get A's.
"Besides, Em. Jazz is right. The fastest they ever clocked me during the All
Stars practices was at 97 miles per hour and that was on my best day when I
was in prime form. It's just stupid sports arena game. I can't put too much
weight on that score. Still…it felt fucking good." He smiled again to
himself, hissing once more at Emmett's fingers digging into his shoulder.
"Here, Tink you take over. I gotta take a piss." Emmett thrust the bag of ice
at me, scooped a handful of Cheese Doodles into his mouth and walked off
chomping. Esme tisked as she swiped the bag off the table before her
children could be further enticed by the magical powers of powdered
artificial cheesy goodness.
I moved to stand behind Edward, placing the bag of ice on his reddened
shoulder blade where Emmett had positioned it prior. My eyes followed the
line of his spine as it disappeared into his sweats…his little ass dimples
prominent and so annoyingly inviting. And then, because I was so
unbelievably proud and happy for him, and sort of worked up over him
being half naked in front of me, I placed the briefest of kisses on the nape of
his neck just under his damp hair. He sighed almost inaudibly as a visible
shiver ran through him. While Gran and Esme had their backs turned as they
busied themselves preparing dinner, I leaned down and whispered into his
ear.
"How's your peen?"
He snickered, whispering back, "It's much better, why?"
"The idea of you playing baseball again makes me so fucking hot I want to
touch myself." Edward looked at me over his shoulder, through his lashes,
and bit down on his lip…hard. He stood abruptly, took the ice from me,
tossed the bag into the sink and told his mother he was going to shower.
Fifteen minutes later, slightly damp and smelling of soap and a hint of
cologne, he found his way to my bedroom. Though disappointed that I had
come home without any new panties, he watched me bring myself to orgasm
while he gave himself a gentle rubbing with extra lube until he came panting
and cursing in his own hand.
Afterward with our post masturbatory glows lingering, we stretched out on
the bed together, face to face as he told me about the little boy he helped and
the way pitching into that simulator made him feel a distinct sense of
control. His eyes held so many different emotions…complex yet unguarded.
In the four months I had known and loved him, I hadn't had the opportunity
or the privilege to have experienced half of those emotions yet…those
emotions evoked by something I could never fully understand. I was
abundantly aware that baseball held an immense passion for him, but until I
listened intently to him describe the way the ball felt in his sweaty palm and
the smile on little Ethan's face when the boy hit the ball, I hadn't realized just
how much of Eddie Masen had been left behind in Chicago.
And though I was unbelievably and genuinely happy for him and the
remarkable gains he had made in one afternoon, a very small part of me, a
very scared and selfish part, was afraid that once he recovered that person he
had lost, Eddie Masen wouldn't have room in his life for Bella Swan. The
two people, two markedly different people with equally diverse personalities
were merging together.
I just hoped that Eddie Masen and Edward Cullen could learn to cohabit
amicably amongst one another and that I would be able to handle them both.
That would be the weirdest menage e trois ever. It would also be totally
fucking hot.
I'd woken that next morning earlier than anyone in the house. The silence
was nearly deafening but very much welcomed in a home with three raucous
teenage boys and four always- chattering adults. After making a huge pot of
coffee, I stood with my steaming mug at the door to watch the sun rise as it
glistened over the lake.
In that moment, I said a silent prayer to God thanking him for allowing
Edward to experience what he did at the sports place, bust selfishly, I asked
that he still continue to grant the big miracle that we needed. I felt it was a
lot to ask, and maybe the baseball thing was all we were going to get. Still, I
held the hope that Edward's life would return to normal somehow, even if I
had nothing, something or everything to do with it.
~%~
After I showered and dressed, I followed the delicious smell to the kitchen
like some kind of trendy bloodhound. My mouth watered as I leaned against
the door frame, watching with the sort of feeling that made me want to say,
"Awwww" and call Alice and Rose because my boyfriend was so fucking
cute. Gran was teaching him how to cook French toast.
"Like this?" he asked, looking to her for approval as he cracked an egg into a
bowl. She showed him how to get the bit of shell out and then she instructed
him on how much milk and vanilla to add. Gran gave his back a little
affectionate pat. While he whisked the mixture with a little hiss from the still
aching shoulder, I watched the muscles in his back flex through his fitted
thermal shirt, and my gaze may have settled on his denim covered ass a little
too long. But who says anyone has a specific measure of time appropriate to
ogle their boyfriend's ass anyway?
I waited a few more minutes before interrupting, because not only did I like
the view, I wanted to give E the time to spend with his grandmother.
"Morning," I said finally.
Edward turned around smiling brightly. "Hey Beautiful. Are you hungry?"
He was actually chipper.
Edward was never chipper.
I set the table for eight, as the family slowly filed in and sat in their seats. I
swear to God it was the best damn French toast I had ever eaten in my life
and I think Esme wholeheartedly agreed because she ate six pieces…one
more than Emmett. Edward was actually blushing with all the compliments
and he finally had to threaten to never make it again if everyone didn't shut
up about it. It was stupid…but I couldn't have been more proud of him.
Esme and Carlisle announced that that they were planning to have lunch
with friends of theirs in Milwaukee. They asked Edward and I if we wanted
to come along, but he declined with a scowl, remarking, "No offense, but I
don't want to get out of the house that badly to tag along with a bunch of
uh…old people."
Carlisle explained with a very comical eye roll that was frighteningly
reminiscent of Emmett, that Milwaukee had a bunch of things Edward and I
could do without having to worry about immediate contact with unsavory
persons. Hearing that, he and I both agreed that it was a great idea after all. I
was excited to spend the day alone with him and semi- free of fear.
As the four of us drove down I-94 from downtown Chicago toward
downtown Milwaukee, we passed through Gurnee, where there was a Six
Flags on one side of the highway and an Outlet Mall on the other. Edward
and I looked at each other coyly when we spotted the outlet mall because it
went without saying that we could have easily spent the day shopping and
have been happier than two pigs in shit. But that was something we could do
in Seattle, so we decided that we would prefer something more adventurous
while on our only day out.
"Hey look Dad, they put in a water park at Six Flags." Edward remarked
about the closed for the season theme park, sounding like a little boy.
"Maybe we'll come back in the summer," Carlisle said, peering at him
through the rearview mirror. Edward smiled at me, mouthing the word
bathing suit while licking his lips suggestively.
Edward's eyes widened. He chuckled as he turned toward me. "Hey…this
one time when we were on vacation in Cancun my dad…"
"Edward, come on…" Carlisle whined, clearly not happy with his telling the
story.
"No, tell her, tell her!" Esme said laughing.
Edward continued. "So the hotel we were staying at had this like giant water
park thing. And we're all having a great time you know? My dad's like
swimming around in the wave pool and he sees my mom on a float with her
sunglasses on and a drink in her hand. So my dad…thinking he's all stealth
like and shit, sneaks underneath the raft and flips her over. Only…it's not my
mom…it's some other lady who has on a similar bathing suit," he laughed.
"She was so pissed, she almost called security," Esme added with a giggle
from the front seat.
"So then the next day, we're at the regular pool, and my dad goes to pinch
my mom's ass under water…"
"Oh no! Don't tell me it was the same woman?" I asked gasping.
They all burst out laughing, even Carlisle. "Oh, her husband was ready to
kill me," Carlisle added. "I promised never to take off my glasses in the pool
again."
"Every young brunette woman at the hotel knew to watch out for the
Poolside Perv after that."
Carlisle chuckled. "Yeah, that's Doctor Poolside Perv, thank you very much."
"That is too funny," I remarked, still giggling though I wondered if Tanya
and her family were there too. I didn't ask.
I couldn't help but notice that Edward seemed so uncharacteristically relaxed
and at ease. I actually asked him if he took a Xanax before we left the house.
He shook his head no, just smiling and playing with the ends of my scarf. He
seemed to like the soft fringe on the ends and the way it felt as he ran it
through his fingers.
Edward's face lit up as he pointed to what he told me was Miller Park –
home of the Milwaukee Brewers baseball team. He told me all about the All-
Star game Carlisle brought the boys to see when they were younger and I
listened not necessarily spellbound by what he was saying, but by how
excited he was to tell me. He and Carlisle began to talk about the statistics
and boring parts of baseball again, and as much as I wanted to love it too, I
felt my thoughts glaze over with visions of designer boots and pink sparkly
things. I wasn't intentionally trying to be selfish, it was that I just didn't get it
completely. It wasn't my fault that I was born lacking a sports gene.
Eventually, we pulled into a spot in downtown Milwaukee and Esme asked
us for like the fourth time if we wanted to have lunch with them at the
Pfister Hotel. It was old and elegant and definitely seemed too grown up for
us. Sensing the same thing, Edward assured her we would be fine on our
own before we bid them farewell agreeing to meet them back at the car in
three hours. Edward lit two cigarettes for us as we walked, talking about
nothing and everything, looking into shop windows along the way. It was
nice just to not have any pressure to do or be anywhere specific.
And then as we strolled along I stopped short. It took but a minute for me to
see the large outdoor skating rink lined with colorfully lit Christmas trees to
know that I absolutely wanted to ice-skate.
"Seriously?" he said quirking an eyebrow. "You are going to break your arm
or something. I won't even be able to pick you up if you fall," he said,
shaking his head no.
"I'll be fine. Come on, I wanna skate. Pleeeeeaaaassse?" I bounced up on my
heels trying to convince him that I wouldn't get hurt, though I didn't blame
him one bit for being overly cautious considering the number of times my
face had kissed the ground unintentionally.
"B…" he whined. "We're going to have to rent skanky skates and I'm only
wearing one pair of socks." I rolled my eyes at him, grabbing the ends of his
gray wool scarf that Esme insisted he wear. "Let's go shopping…or look…"
he pointed to the glass building across from the rink. "There's a show at the
performing Arts Center. Ooooh…The Nutcracker. You like nuts right?"
Why yes…yes I do.
"Stop trying to stall and come you big baby. When we get home I'll clean
your feet with a Clorox wet wipe then for good measure give you a Lysol
spray down," I said, pulling him by the leash I had created. He threw back
his head in defeat and sighed.
"Fine. But if I get foot fungus I'll never speak to you again. And if you break
your arm I'm gonna laugh at you when you cry."
"No you won't. You love me."
We crossed the street, waited on a short line to rent the skates, and hit the
ice. Now, I had to say that pretty much anything physical that I had seen
Edward attempt he was exceptionally good at.
But ice skating…not so much.
It was then I understood why he was so reluctant to try. He was scared. The
rink had only about ten people or so skating the perimeter, most of them
little kids with their parents. I stepped on the ice, gliding out a few feet
before I stopped and turned in a circle. It was a bit shaky as it had been at
least five years since I had been skating, but it wasn't half bad considering he
was expecting me to fall on my face. Edward gasped, holding onto the
railing. His eyes narrowed into tiny slits.
"You're good at this." It was more of a question than an observation.
I nodded cockily. "Yup. When we first moved, my mom didn't like leaving
me home alone after school, so I took lessons at the Y. It took me three times
as long as the other girls in my group to get the basics, but eventually I got
the gist." I spun around in a circle again, all the little tricks coming back into
memory. "Okay listen. Bend your knees and like…march a little."
Edward made a face, bowing his head. "You're seriously going to make me
do this? Can't I just stay here and watch you. You're so pretty to look at with
the winter wind blowing through your hair and your cheeks all glowing rosy
and stuff… you look like a beautiful angel in the snow." He sort of sang the
last part, trying to entice me into letting him off the hook by distracting me
with sweet talk.
"Flattery will get you nowhere buddy. Come…" I said, gesturing with my
hand for him to move outward away from the wooden perimeter. Edward
took a tentative step forward, letting his skate slide on the ice. I coaxed him
with my hands as he took another step forward. I skated backwards while he
moved toward me. He was shaky and definitely scared but he was trying and
that was cool with me.
"Good, see that wasn't so har…" and before I could finish the word, without
warning his feet flailed underneath him sending him smacking to the ground
flat on his back. He groaned about his shoulder as he lay unmoving on the
ice. The whine in his voice told me he was fine, so I showed him how to get
up, because I couldn't extend my hand to him. Eventually he rose, trying
again.
"B, I swear to God, if tomorrow I have bruises on my ass I am going to
make you suffer," he kidded. I leaned over to whisper that I would kiss them
if I could. As he moved forward again, I skated around him in a swizzle,
moving my skates inward and outward like an hourglass to the music
pouring from the speakers.
Edward muttered, "Show off." I smiled at him, ignoring his jealous
ramblings and really taking enjoyment from being able to do something
better than him.
"Oh shit!" he yelled right before he face planted into the ice. I skated right in
front of him, kneeling to put my face right into his.
"Are you okay, baby?"
"Just great, Honey," he replied with a generous amount of sarcasm. "I'm
having such a good time." He said it through gritted teeth, but I could tell he
was joking. Edward finally righted himself, brushing the ice off his black
wool coat. He stepped forward, braving the ice again. We were in the way of
the other skaters who were cautiously swerving around us, so I coaxed him
into the center where he was less likely to be run over.
"Don't you want to strive for excellence, Edward? Don't you want to be the
very best you can be?" I repeated his words from the bowling alley, taunting
him.
He sneered at me, before he shook his head and laughed out loud. "No. I
don't. I am perfectly content with sucking at this."
Once in the center of the ice, Edward stood there unmoving, glaring at me
while I skated around him in circles. My off-white coat flared out at the
hemline when I did, and I imagined being a little girl again twirling in a
frilly party dress.
He was so serious, all wrapped up in his scarf and gloves that his mom made
him wear, and even though he was insanely hot, I just found it hysterical. So
I whipped out my camera from my coat pocket and snapped a picture.
Edward was pissed.
"Aww come on," he said throwing his hands up in the air like a petulant
child. "You're documenting my humiliation! Gimme that camera."
"No way. Say cheese." The flash made him blink rapidly. It was terribly
mean, because I knew damn well he wouldn't dare try to snatch it from me.
"B…stop…come on baby." He was so cute when he whined. "Fine…
whatever. Take emasculating pictures of me in crappy rented skates. You
broke my dick, I have bald balls… so what does it even matter?" He was
chuckling, but I could tell he was serious too. I skated around him taunting
him with my lip posed outward in a pout. He began to just ignore me then,
shutting his eyes.
"What are you doing?" I skidded to a stop in front of him, making the ice
snowplow under my skate.
"Pretending I am home, warm in my racecar bed, not wearing these fungus
infested skates," he deadpanned.
I made a figure eight. "Am I there with you?"
"Nope. Just me and my hand."
"That's sad. I could be there with you, you know." I pulled my long striped
scarf off, draping it around his neck.
"No, you're here, making fun of me. You can't be in two places at once."
"How are you there and here too then?" I grabbed one end and began to
skate around him. The scarf wrapped around his neck and chin. He stayed
unmoving, eyes closed.
"Cause it's my fantasy and I can do whatever I want." He stuck his tongue
out at me.
"I'm usually naked in your fantasies," I said matter of factly, grabbing the
other end of the scarf to head the opposite direction.
"Not this one. Just me and Rosey Palmer. Now be quiet, your ruing my
date." I heard him try to stifle a chuckle.
"Who the hell is Rosey Palmer?" Does she go to Forks High?
Edward smirked and wiggled his fingers, indicating the Rosey Palmer was
his hand. Ewwwww.
I rolled my eyes, clicking my tongue on the roof of my mouth in annoyance.
"When you graduate the third grade, call me okay?"
"Yeah… I'll be sure to do that. I'm hungry. And cold. And I want a cigarette."
His words were muffled by the crazy striped scarf that was now wound
around his neck, chin and most of his cheeks. He was just green eyes,
perfectly coiffed brows and forehead. Oh and mop of windblown, crazy,
beautiful hair.
I huffed. Edward just stood there wrapped in my scarf looking completely
ludicrous and he knew it. "You look ridiculous right now," I laughed,
snapping another picture. He thrust his gloved hand out and I placed the
camera in his palm.
"I don't care. I'll never see these people again, what do I give a shit what
they think?" Again, the words garbled by the scarf covering his face. It was
basically just eyes peeking out of the top.
"Really? You're not embarrassed?" I questioned with my hands placed on my
hips.
"Nope. Not at all."
Thanking the good lord for some perfect timing, I shook my fists in the air
waggling my ass to the corny sounds of an old Marky Mark song playing on
the speakers.
And because I was feeling provocative, I challenged him. "How 'bout now?"
"Don't care."
Rose, Alice, Jessica and Lauren and I had done a routine to this song in
fourth grade talent show. We rocked the motherfucking gymnasium. The
dance steps came flooding back to me as though it was yesterday, but it was
a lot harder to bust the moves on skates. I did some gyrations and spins
completely embarrassing myself as a few people off to the side began to
laugh at my antics.
"Feel the vibrations!" I sang animatedly jutting my elbows out to either of
my sides. Edward hadn't moved and was still wrapped in my scarf
emotionless in the center of the ice. I skated around him still dancing and
trying to recreate the moves from back in the day. I so wished the girls could
be there to see my outstanding tribute. "The rhythm and the rhyme!" I
yelled. It was completely over the top, but I didn't care, because like he said
earlier, we would never see any of these people again.
Edward's hand moved to his face. Pulling the striped scarf down past his
mouth. "You are fabulous. Can we go now?"
I shook my head no, spanking my ass. That particular move wasn't in the
original choreography, but I was at a loss to put in there. "Vibrations good
like Sunkist. Many wanna know who done this. Marky Mark and I'm here to
move you."
"Oh, I see you're rapping now. Excellent." His eyes rolled. He checked his
watch.
I thrust my hips at him animatedly. "It's such a good vibration. Come on
come on come on. It's such a sweet sensation. Feel it feel it."
"Oh, I feel it."
With a flourish, I bowed at the piano solo at the end, completing my routine.
He held up the camera, which I was not aware was even on video mode the
whole time and said, "This is going on Youtube."
After unwrapping my scarf from his face, he hooked it around my neck,
using it as reins in which he allowed me to pull him along the ice to the exit.
I let him go, and while he retrieved our shoes, I slid back onto the ice. I was
pretty cold by that point, but I guess I had been feeling a little suffocated by
everything that had been going on emotionally and physically. I took a few
long strides across the ice, picking up some momentum, one foot crossing
the other as I gained decent speed. My hair flew behind me and the chilled
wind ravaged my face, but the velocity and the freedom of flying was
liberating.
When I slowed down I tried to attempt a spiral, which wasn't half bad
considering I had never been all that good at them. But then my half assed
lutz jump almost landed me on my face, even though I recovered from it
looking as though it was done purposely. Before I could really embarrass
myself or send myself to the emergency room, I decided to retire my skates
for another season. Edward had observed for a good ten minutes or so until I
got the angst out of my system, skidding to a complete stop at the exit off the
ice.
"You are really amazing to watch, you know that?" he said quietly. "You're
just …beautiful." The way he looked at me then made my insides warm. I
felt his intense love so much in that moment. "I think I may even be kind of
hard over that," he pointed to his crotch, promptly dissolving the intense
love into hormonal teenage boy stupidity.
As soon as his skates had been removed and Edward had found hand
sanitizer, he was instantly back to his former good mood. Now that the sun
had set, we walked briskly together back toward the old hotel where his
parents were dining. In the warmth of the lobby, Edward put his name on a
short waiting list to eat at one of the trendy restaurants there. We sat on one
of the couches warming our hands by the roaring fireplace under the glow of
Christmas greenery still decorated with white lights.
The hotel was grand and beautiful, so much that I could imagine having an
elegant wedding in a place like this, which I absently said aloud once we
were seated inside the Mason Street Grill.
"Yeah…you want a big wedding?" he asked, with genuine interest as he
peeked over his menu.
I shrugged. "Not like…tomorrow or anything, but yeah. I think I would like
to have some sort of celebration. It wouldn't have to be ridiculously
elaborate or expensive or anything, just…I don't know…something special.
My parents got married at City Hall and my mom always said she regretted
it. When she married Phil, it was this huge deal and a little over the top for a
second wedding, but she said it was her dream wedding. It was a lot of fun
actually."
The waiter arrived to take our order. He placed two sodas down on the table
and left with our menus in hand.
Edward smiled. "My parents had a small wedding …you saw the pictures
from my grandparents back yard. I only remember having to stand
completely still for like an hour before they started pictures so that we
wouldn't get dirty. Not that I would have gotten dirty, but…put a five year
old in a rented tux on the edge of a lake and you're asking for trouble." He
chuckled. "My mom…looked so pretty. And she was so happy that day. I
mean, happier than I had ever seen her before."
"Yeah well, she's lucky. Your parents are obviously really in love still. I don't
think that happens too much anymore."
"I know. Of all my old friends, they were one of the few that weren't
divorced." He looked away uncomfortably. "Hey…do you think that we'll
have a big wedding someday?"
I gasped holding my hand over my heart in mock surprise. "Why, Edward
Cullen… are you proposing?"
And suddenly I am Scarlett O'Hara…
He rolled his eyes. "No, if I were to propose you wouldn't be fucking
asking…you would know."
I quirked an eyebrow. "By the giant cushion cut diamond Tiffany ring with
baguettes running on either side?"
He bowed his head with a glare. "You have your engagement ring picked out
already?"
I laughed, taking a sip of Pepsi. "Since fifth grade. Rose and Alice and I all
picked out our rings from the Tiffany catalogue. We have dresses picked out
too." I looked away embarrassed.
He choked on his soda. "Seriously?" Wow."
"Oh, now don't read too much into it, E. Girls do that stuff. We're sort of
conditioned to want that from the time we can walk. The baby dolls and the
kitchen sets. When we were in kindergarten we would put curtains on our
heads to pretend they were bridal veils. Only, since there were no boys to
wed, we all looked like nuns, but whatever."
"That's funny. So is that what you want though… for the future? A husband
and kids?" He eyed me from across the table, while he played with his straw
wrapper. This was the first time we had ever talked about the future. We
were so occupied with just making it through the present most of the time.
"Of course. I mean, after I get my degree and stuff."
"So…you've thought about getting married…to me?"
Uh yeah.
"Um…I don't know…I mean, yeah…sort of." I cringed, knowing that the
topic of marriage and commitment was the key ingredient to sending a man
running for the hills…or so my mother had always warned me. The truth
was that I had thought about it in depth, always with the notion that marriage
was the one loophole Edward had mentioned that could set him free. "I love
you." I shrugged my shoulders feeling a little awkward. Edward smiled
repeating the sentiment.
"Don't be embarrassed…I think about it too sometimes."
What?
Before I could investigate that further, the waiter arrived, setting the
steaming plates in front of us. Edward's fries were on a separate dish,
quarantined from his burger as he has requested. I stole the pickle off the
plate because I knew that it would irritate him if it touched the burger and he
always gave it to me anyway.
"Can I ask you something?" I said, swirling my fork around the angel hair
pasta that came with the chicken. Edward nodded.
"What's with the cooking class with Gran this morning?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "She was making it and I asked if I could help. I
used to spend a lot of time with her before we moved, and I've really missed
her. Besides, since we made the apple pie, I have a sudden interest in
cooking. It's very…methodical, you know? Relaxing even. The measuring
and the order the ingredients go in…and..." he trailed off there, looking
down at his plate while he pushed some fries around with his fork.
"And what?" I asked softly, wiping my mouth clean of mushroom sauce.
"I don't like not being good at something. We have that elective class starting
next week and I just don't want to look…stupid. People think I'm a freak
already. I don't want to set the building on fire or something and be known
as a Pyromaniac too. Besides, I really like cooking with you and I uh…want
to cook you dinner…eventually. I want to be able to do stuff for you that
doesn't require my credit card, so I thought if I learned how to cook
something simple like breakfast, it would be a start."
Could I love him any more?
"Edward, that's so sweet. I know I made a big deal out of the boots and
purse, but to be very honest, it was more the fact that you noticed that I liked
them, than the actual stuff itself. You paid attention and that says more than
anything does. But…the treasure box was the best gift I've ever gotten in my
whole life. It meant so much to me that you took the time to do that and the
things you wrote were so beautiful. I think you are truly an amazing person.
More than I can ever tell you."
Edward blushed, smiling bashfully. "I'm glad you liked it. I meant every
word of what I wrote, B. I just…" He looked up as though he were trying to
find the words in the air above him. "I want you to feel like being with me
and enduring all the shit you have to deal with because of me and all the
sacrifices you have to make… will be worth it in the end. I don't want to fail
you… ever."
I gasped with the notion he really thought that was possible. "Edward…you
could never fail me." Being the naïve and wide eyed little girl that I was, I
said those words genuinely believing that Edward couldn't and wouldn't ever
fail me. How little I knew about real life and inevitability.
"I'm trying very hard not to. I know that being in my life is stressful, and I
want to do stuff that takes away some of that, if I can." He continued to push
his food around on his plate with his fork. When he looked up at me, his
eyes were impossibly sad.
"I'm not stressed," I lied.
"Yes you are," he said softly." My dad said that your hair was falling out
because of stress." He looked down at his plate, as though he felt guilty.
I had no idea that he'd even noticed that. Patting my hair down absently, I
replied, "Well don't worry about it. It's got nothing to do with you. And I
have more hair than I know what to do with so…"
But in truth, I knew as well as he did that it had everything to do with him.
Edward was my whole world. What he felt, I felt. Happiness, pain,
frustration…it was ours to share. What he didn't know was that I had been
stressed and anxious over the confrontation with Charlotte for the last few
weeks, and now that it was over, I was still stressed about the repercussions
of it. And now feeling guilty as well. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell
him, but I was afraid he would be furious with me, so I tucked it away again.
"Oh!" he said, smiling brightly with those damn perfect white teeth that had
never required braces. "I forgot to tell you. Jasper's birthday is on the first,
so Mom and Dad are letting him have a New Year's Eve party at the house."
I clapped my hands together excitedly. "Oooh excellent! What should I get
him?"
He shot me a coy smile. "Well, I already got him tickets to the Kings of
Leon concert in February. So they can be from the two of us. I uh…got us
tickets too." I couldn't contain the excitement of the news, because I was for
lack of a better word... fucking stoked to go. But then I realized something
important.
"Just please tell me that we won't be running into any of your old girlfriends
there too. I'm getting a little tired of that, you know."
Edward sighed. "Me too, baby. Me too."
~%~
Edward hugged his grandmother for a very, very long time. They were
behaving as though it would be their last time seeing one another, even
though Gran and Gramps promised to come visit Forks in June for Emmett's
graduation. Before Edward got into the car, Gram whispered something in
his ear that made him smile.
The flight home was uneventful and once we pulled into the Cullen's
driveway to an awaiting Rose and Alice, there was massive amounts of
kissing and rubbing…so much that Edward and I both shuddered and hid in
the house while his brothers made up for lost time with my friends.
Later on inside, we exchanged Christmas gifts belatedly. The girls loved the
purses I got them and when they opened their very own Create A Mate kits
simultaneously screaming for joy, Edward presented Emmett and Jasper
each with disposable razors and shaving cream, telling them to, "Have a ball,
fuckers."
The next day, we spent the majority of the day getting ready for Jasper's
party. He was having about twenty people or so in the basement, so Rose
and Alice and I decorated with balloons and stuff, shopping for hats and
noisemakers for midnight. Jasper and Emmett played on their new Quads
while Edward was gone most of the afternoon, having gone to a makeup
session of therapy, then the liquor store and a desperately needed weed run.
After I showered and dressed in a very sparkly black top that looked
amazing with my boots, I ate a quick bite and listened to Charlie on the
phone apologize for not meeting me at home upon my arrival back in town.
He had to work a stakeout all day for someone who was paying him a great
deal of money to follow his adulterous wife. Though I did miss him, I didn't
have the heart to tell him that I would much prefer to be spending the New
Year with my boyfriend than my father.
I called my mom as well to wish her a Happy New Year, and she kept me on
the phone for a good hour practically crying because she missed me so
much. By then Edward was texting me to get the hell over there because
they were going to smoke up before everyone arrived. I told him to start
without me. I wasn't in the mood to get high anyhow.
Unfortunately, what I didn't realize was that Esme and Carlisle had decided
to throw their own gathering upstairs. As I entered the fully decorated house,
Esme and Carlisle felt it necessary to introduce me to their oldest friends,
Garret and Katrina Denali. It took like three seconds to place their faces as
Tanya's parents. The very first thing I thought of was that she was there, and
it made my skin crawl, but they mentioned that she and her friends were at
some party in Seattle.
They were tipsy, thrilled to finally meet me, chatting incessantly about how
cute Edward was as a child and how the boys and their daughters used to
take baths together. As if I had any desire to hear that or any portion of me
that would find a story like that amusing at all. By the looks on their faces,
no one had a goddamn clue that their daughters were whores and had sexual
relationships with their best friend's sons. It was repulsive and made me
really angry.
The deep blue of Edward's button down shirt caught my eye as he appeared
from the basement stairs looking absolutely gorgeous, even more so than
usual. His smile was huge when he saw me, but then quickly faded when he
spotted my company. Once I was rescued, he apologized profusely, begging
me to not let that ruin my night. I promised him that I wasn't mad, but it was
a lie. It wasn't his fault, but I couldn't shake the conversation from my bones.
It was yet another thing to add to the growing list of crap I was trying to
shove away into the back of my mind.
Edward went back upstairs to help his mom with something, which he was
completely annoyed with, because he was high and couldn't function
properly. After hugging Jasper and wishing him a Happy Birthday, I headed
to the bar. There was a bunch of kids from school there already, including
Tyler, Eric, Connor and Ben and Angela, already half in the bag.
"I need a drink," I said to Emmett, who was playing bartender and wearing a
purple top hat. He slid over three shots of something clear, a little bowl of
what he said was sugar, and some sliced lemon. Rose and Alice, decked out
in tiara's joined me in the lemon drop shot, which was actually pretty tasty.
After the third one in fifteen minutes, I felt my skin start to tingle with that
delicious buzz.
Without having to say a word, the girls both sensed that I was agitated, and
proceeded to badger me until I told them what was bothering me. After
Emmett opened beer bottles for each of us, I quietly told them everything
that had happened over the trip…the bowling alley, my hair loss, confronting
Charlotte… everything. I made them swear on their designer purses that the
Charlotte thing would go to the grave with them. I wouldn't have told them
had I not had complete faith that they would keep the secret. I was also
drunk, so my judgment was kind of impaired.
"And to top it all off, I just met Edward's ex's parents upstairs. They told me
a lovely story about E taking a fucking bath with their slut daughter. Who
tells stories like that?"
Rose pointed to herself and Alice as she took back a swig of beer. "Well, if it
makes you feel any better, our gynecologist is upstairs getting drunk with
Carlisle right now."
"And?" I asked.
"So, when I went upstairs he kept looking at me like he knew me from
somewhere. I felt like I should clear off the coffee and table spread my legs
to flash him my cootch so he would recognize me," Rose said, laughing at
herself. She was totally shitfaced as was Alice …and I was well on my way.
"To small town life," I said raising my beer bottle to clink against theirs. One
fucking gyno, dentist and general practitioner in a sixty mile radius was
ridiculous.
Edward came from behind me slipping a pink tiara on my head. It wasn't the
shitty crepe paper kind either. It had rhinestones and stuff on it and I knew
he had bought it especially for me. His breath was hot on my ear when he
whispered that I smelled amazing and I craned my neck involuntarily to let
him in further. I need to feel his skin on mine so damn badly, that it hurt.
Just for a second…just for tonight. Just let me feel good.
The girls excused themselves giggling as they walked away from the sexual
tension thickening in the air around us.
"Hey, beautiful girl…can we fool around later? We still have your vibrator
here," he reminded me in a voice that made my panties practically explode. I
could smell tangerines on his breath with a hint of smoke, so I knew he was
feeling pretty good by then. It crossed my mind to let him take me upstairs
and fuck my brains out, because I needed him so badly. "You brought your
stuff to spend the night, right?"
I nodded. "I'll only stay if I can sleep in your bed with you and not in the
guestroom." Between the way his voice moved through me, the smell of him
and the fuzzy numbness that was covering my body like a creeping vine, I
was so fucking turned on. And desperately depressed that I could do nothing
about it.
"Of course, baby. You'll touch your beautiful pussy for me?"
Fuck yes…
I shut my eyes. "Edward stop…please. It's too much," I whined with a
giggle, closing my legs together like I had to pee. He smiled, stepping away
from me as he stared at my crotch.
He leaned over again, his lids almost closed. He spoke apologetically. "But
you know what you do to me…you know how bad I want you. I can't
fucking help it." His lips accidentally brushed against my earlobe when I
swayed forward. I felt a shiver slink down my spine settling between my
legs, where I knew the alcohol and the fact that I was premenstrual, was
fueling my incredibly deprived libido. We both gasped at the brief contact,
and Edward pulled back muttering, "Fuck."
He left to go grab another drink while I went to the bathroom. My vision
was slightly blurry, and I had stumbled once on my heels, using the door
way for support while I waited. I knew I could have gone upstairs to one of
the other five bathrooms in the house, but the boys didn't want anyone up
there because the grown ups would know we were drinking. I swear, for two
educated adults, Esme and Carlisle were pretty fucking clueless sometimes.
I shut the door to the bathroom, took care of business and tried not to think
of the shitstorm that was brewing up in my head. I did my best to tuck it all
back in the slimy gray matter that was my brain, willing myself to hold on
just a little longer. I just needed to make it to midnight and then I could pass
out and start fresh the next day.
I knew I wouldn't be getting a midnight kiss.
When I emerged from the bathroom, in the corner I noticed that Mike
Newton had arrived with Jessica. Lauren was standing comfortably at the
bar with Makenna and Tyler, all of them wearing New Years crowns as
though they had been personally invited, which I knew most certainly they
were not. They smirked at me and waved, and I wanted to ignore them or
give them the finger, but I took the high road and smirked back.
My tiara is prettier than yours, Skanks.
Jasper and Alice were in a dark corner, with his hand not so discreetly under
her shirt. Something told me that she didn't mind being molested in public
because she let him do it so often. I would be lying if I said I wasn't the least
bit jealous of them.
Rose pulled on my arm, dragging me toward the makeshift dance floor they
had created by pushing the foosball table into the workout area. Someone
had hooked up a colored disco ball to the ceiling. It was mesmerizing and
made me dizzy to look at.
I danced with Rose and Angela, temporarily forgetting the building stuff in
my brain until I had beads of sweat running down my chest. I used an
abandoned party hat as a fan, cooling myself down as I caught Edward's
gaze. He was across the room staring at me intently, leaning back against the
wall next to Tyler.
He smiled when he spied me looking and mouthed, "I love you."
I mouthed it back, feeling even warmer from the words, and then he blew
me a quick discreet kiss with a smirk. I caught it, rubbing it all over my ass
animatedly.
I watched him disappear into the closet laughing at me, pulling out bottles of
champagne from shelves there. He set them on the bar, while Emmett lined
up plastic champagne glasses, ready to pour. It was almost midnight.
I peed again, did another lemon drop shot with Alice, who had finally been
released from Jasper's relentless groping. Jasper was smiling like a great big
idiot, stumbling around singing happy birthday to himself. She kissed my
cheek and left to help him sober up.
Then instead of watching everyone on the dance floor grinding on each
other, I swiped one of Edward's cigarette's from behind the bar and snuck
out the back door, up the basement steps outside. It was fucking freezing out
there, the icy air filled with the scent of a burning fireplace and sweet cigar
smoke.
Once the cigarette was lit, I took a deep pull, wishing I had brought a coat
because my ass was frozen through my jeans as I sat on the back porch
steps. The night sky was pitch black, with swirls of stars peppering the
darkness. Somewhere in the distance, beyond the music coming from inside,
was the sound of fireworks.
I let my face fall into my hand before the tears fell. I was trying so hard to
hold it together, I really, really was. My insides ached terribly, and I
completely regretted doing that last shot, because I was utterly fucked up.
On the expel of smoke, I heard myself sob, cringing at the echo it created in
the cavernous back yard.
It was everything. All of the last four months, the past week, the admission
of meeting Charlotte to my friends and keeping it a secret from Edward, the
anxiety I had been feeling through his own fears, the ache and the loneliness
I felt every time he moved away from me and said no with his eyes.
I knew damn well I shouldn't have been doing this. I should be dancing and
hanging out with my friends and being there for Edward and behaving
maturely about the situation and remaining strong…
I needed to find strength for him, because how could I fall to pieces knowing
that he was probably feeling ten times worse off than I was? I just couldn't
watch everyone kissing at midnight and pretend I was all happy and cheerful
because I fucking wasn't.
"Hey honey…are you okay?"
The voice startled me. I jumped, dropping my cigarette on the ground. I
hadn't noticed Carlisle sitting in one of the chairs in the dark. In his hand, I
could see the burning embers of a fat cigar between his fingers. I was
fucking mortified.
I just wiped away more tears, trying not to smear my makeup, which I knew
by that point was beyond destroyed. I didn't really give a shit though.
"Rough night?" he asked, moving to sit next to me on the stairs. He
shrugged out of his jacket, draping it generously over my shoulders. It
smelled like dad cologne and Band-Aids and comfort.
Picking up the cigarette off of the ground, I chuckled through a sniff. "You
have no idea."
"New Year's Eve is always hard," he said softly. I sensed a distinct air of
sadness in his tone which perplexed me. "My first wife…Jasper and
Emmett's mom… hated New Years Eve. She couldn't decide whether it was
a celebration for the conclusion of an old year or for the beginning of a new
one. We used to have fights about that," he chuckled.
"It's kind of like the chicken and the egg thing. It's neither and both," I said,
looking up to the sky with a sniff.
"That's what I always said!" he laughed. "Now for me it's simply another
year to celebrate the great things I have in my life."
"That's a nice way to look at it." I couldn't decide if it was rude to continue
to smoke in front of him, so I ashed the cigarette but didn't put it to my lips.
"The point is, if I have learned anything, is that life is very short and we
don't know when it will all suddenly end for us. I make it a point to never
waste an opportunity, because I know that I may not have it again."
I sighed.
"Did that just make you even more depressed?" he laughed bumping my
shoulder playfully with his.
I giggled at him. "No…I get what you're saying completely. I just don't
know what to do or how to feel or what the hell is going on most of the
time… It's all so confusing."
"I know, Bella. But just hold on. It will get easier. Edward relies on you
more than you know."
We both turned as Edward called my name, climbing up from the basement
stairs. "Hey Baby, I've been looking for you all over. What are you doing out
here? Oh hey, Dad." He stood a few feet away holding two plastic glasses of
champagne in his hands. From the little bit of light that was peeking through
the doors from the house, I could see on his face that he was confused,
relieved and tipsy.
"Champagne, Edward?" Carlisle chastised.
"Oh come on Dad, it's New Year's. Besides, does Mom know you're out here
with a cigar?" Edward quirked an eyebrow.
Carlisle sighed with a chuckle. "Touché, you big pain in my ass." He glanced
at his watch. "It's five minutes to midnight. Your mom's probably looking for
me now so I think I'll give you two some privacy. Have a good night, Bella."
Carlisle squeezed my shoulder as he rose to get up. "Night son."
"Night Dad."
I whispered, "Thank you," to Carlisle as Edward sat in his place on the stair
next to me. From my periphery, I could see Carlisle shut the door behind
him and move the curtains so that we were in complete seclusion.
"Hi."
"Shit, you're crying. Did I do something wrong? I know I haven't spent the
whole night with you but Jasper's really wasted and I needed to make sure
that nothing got broken and…you left me…" he said, pouting his lip out. He
reached out his hand tentatively, using his thumb to wipe away my tears. The
action was so natural, his ever present restraint temporarily removed at the
sight of my tears. His hand was so warm against my skin and I shut my eyes
taking the rare occasion in. My heart ached when he pulled it away.
But I smiled, wiping my nose with my hand. "You didn't do anything wrong,
E. I'm feeling a little… off, you know? I just came to get some air." He
pushed some hair out of my face, nonchalantly tucking it behind my ear. He
was uncharacteristically touchy feely tonight.
He handed me a plastic glass of champagne. I clinked it together with his,
stoically whispering, "Cheers."
We were quiet for a minute or so, gazing out at the night sky. "E…do you
ever think about God and what's out there?"
He sighed. "I don't know, sometimes. I used to believe in something divine
but lately…I've kind of lost my faith with everything, you know? I'm kind of
pissed at God right now."
"I guess don't blame you. You should know that I pray for you every day…
for your health and your happiness and for some kind of miracle to help
you... and I thank God that you are in my life and that you love me, but... he
doesn't seem to be listening to what I'm saying."
He cleared his throat. "Maybe he doesn't want to hear you for some reason.
Maybe I haven't earned it yet or something. "
That was entirely confusing and cryptic to me. "What the hell are you
talking about?"
Edward shifted, taking a sip of his champagne. "Nothing. Forget it. You
uh...you definitely think God is a man?" Edward pursed his lips in
contemplation.
"Oh yeah. If God was a woman, boys wouldn't be such jerks, and men would
have the babies and get their periods and stuff. He is definitely a dude." I
giggled, letting him know I was joking for the most part.
Edward chuckled. "If you could meet him right now what would you talk to
him about?"
I exhaled, resting my cheek on my knee. "I guess I would talk to him about
you and how unfair your life is and ask him why he was doing this to
you...to us."
Edward nodded, downing the rest of his glass. "I'd like to know the answer
to that too."
"Can I ask you something?" Without waiting for a response I said, "What did
Gran say to you before you got into the car?"
Edward's smile lit up his face. "She said that kissing the person you loved at
midnight on the New Year was good luck."
I smiled in response. "Do you think that's true?"
"I fucking hope so," he whispered. "God knows we need it." As he licked his
lips, Edward's hand moved tentatively toward my face. "Come here,
Beautiful…" My breath caught in my throat and my mouth hung slack at the
thought that he was actually going to kiss me…
His thumb traced my jaw while his hand slid toward my ear, his fingers
curling around the back of my head. My breath hitched again when he
leaned in, his nose rubbing gently against mine. I let out a little whimper at
the sweetness of it and the anticipation…God the anticipation…
Worry that he might change his mind, coupled with Carlisle's words echoing
in my head that the opportunity was definitely once in a lifetime, I scooted
myself right next to him, my thigh flush against his. He reached out and
laced his long fingers with mine, bringing my cold hand and his warm one
up to his chest where he laid my palm over his heart.
For the first time, I could feel it beating through his shirt...strong and quick
and full of love for me. It was an intensity that mirrored my own, but at the
time I couldn't have comprehended the extraordinary depth of his emotions.
The moment he tilted his head just before his lips met mine, he smiled that
panty exploding grin that kept me his. Edward placed the softest kiss on my
lips, barely brushing against them. He drew back, still smiling, only to meet
my lips again adding a few more soft, chaste kisses on the edge of my open
mouth. It was so innocent, but still sent waves of delicious tingles between
my legs. Then unexpectedly, his teeth nipped my bottom lip, tugging gently
and I whimpered slightly at the feel of it. I could hear his breathing change
too, more ragged and heavy now. I had to keep my eyes open otherwise the
patio would begin to spin and the last thing I wanted to do was throw up.
Taking everything I could get…greedily...hungrily…without permission, I
cupped my free hand against his soft cheek, then into the back of his hair
near the nape of his neck. It was a tad crunchy from his generous hair gel,
but I was surprised at how supple and thick it was. He moaned when I ran
my fingers through it and dragged my nails against his scalp. I was quite
sure anything I did would have felt amazing, having gone so long without
any kind of stimulation.
Inside we could hear a chorus of voices counting down from ten… whereas
earlier my stomach should have turned at the sound, it now rejoiced in
conjunction with my cootch.
He pulled my bottom lip between his teeth adding little pecks here and there,
and then did the same with my top lip. I followed his lead timidly, because
this was new to me and I wasn't entirely sure what to do. I had kissed a few
boys, but never like this…never with so much emotion and desire and
expectation… and I knew damn well that Edward had a lot more experience
with this than I did.
Obviously, Edward was a great fucking kisser. I mean, it wasn't awkward or
forced and he was just soft yet commanding and his hands…he knew just
where to put them…
Edward let out a little whimper, pulling me closer with his hand suddenly
creeping underneath his father's jacket and at the small of my back. I
shivered at his touch and I couldn't ignore the fact that my nipples went hard
at that very moment. His tongue entered into my mouth, soft and slow,
darting against my own tongue twirling and playing and tasting gently. He
was warm and wet and tasted of marijuana and oranges and champagne
and…Edward.
I could have savored that flavor forever.
Though I wanted him in the most primal of ways, I knew it wouldn't go any
further than just kissing. While his tongue twisted languorously with mine,
and the sweetness of our lips pressing together inundated my thoughts and
senses, a part of me could not forget that it would have to end all too soon,
and that made me so terribly sad.
Inside, the celebration exploded with horns and whistles and cheers as the
New Year rang in.
"I love you so much," he whispered into my mouth softly, pressing his
forehead against mine. His lids shut, as though he was taking in the moment,
linking his hand with mine, twisting it so that it lay on his heart once again. I
never wanted him to let go.
"I love you, Edward. Happy New Year.
Outside, it was just the stillness of the night, Edward and me and all of our
secrets and hopes and dreams for what the New Year could bring to us both.
It fucking terrified me.
~%~

Because you are so insistent on giving me word limit angst, and making
me feel inadequate and old, I am now EdwardsBloodTpe on Twitter (no
y in type) . And because some of you had asked, the closest description
of the HA Bella in my head is Emmanuelle Chriqui who plays Sloane in
Entourage. Maybe not as tan. Edward is definitely Rob, but a much
younger baby faced clean shaven version of the GQ pics or maybe Rob
from Harry Potter. IDK.
I wanted to mention this to all of you in case you didn't know already.
Initially, I made the Non Specific Restraining Order up- I thought it was
complete nonsense and created a very cool and unique story line
essentially posing a challenge to myself as a writer. I wanted to see if I
could maintain interest to the readers without predictable, gratuitous
smut in every chapter. However, since writing this story I have learned
that the situation I have put Edward in is actually real, though highly
uncommon. I have heard from many reviewers that they know someone
who is under a no contact order. The thing is, that I have taken a great
deal of creative license with the details surrounding his sentence. The
way I have this set up with the lack of concrete evidence as well as the
omission of a trial, is completely unconstitutional and unlawful in the
US. So asking if he ever appealed it is futile because if he did, there
wouldn't be a story. Keep in mind that this is a work of fiction and I am
not an attorney or a judge or a parole officer and I am just having fun
with this.
Thank you to everyone who is reading.
Xoxox
EBT
Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009 /2010
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Thank you to Becca for proofing this, and to Suzy for adding your
sparkle. Hugs and kisses to the Twitter girls, the girls on the forum,
everyone who is reading and reviewing. You are all amazing.
There are pics from the last couple of chapters on my profile page.

High Anxiety
Chapter 27~ Rebellious
Rise up and take the power back, it's time that
The fat cats had a heart attack, you know that
Their time is coming to an end
We have to unify and watch our flag ascend
They will not force us
They will stop degrading us
They will not control us
We will be victorious
Muse~ Uprising
~Edward~
My head whipped to the side like the little puking chick from the Exorcist
and I smacked my hand down on the armrest of the couch. With all of the
self-discipline I had, I concealed a smirk. I was annoyed and pissed, but not
as much as I played it off as. Essentially, I wanted to see how much shit I
could pull with my parents.
I was just in that mood.Must be all the pent up unresolved sexual tension.
"This is fucking bullshit, Mom!"
"Watch the way you speak to your mother, Edward. Your language and your
tone are disrespectful, and I expect more from you." Carlisle glared
pointedly at me as he leaned in my doorway, looking as though he would
rather be doing a hundred other things than reprimanding me for sleeping
with my girlfriend.
Yeah…as if.
I glared at him while huffing back into the leather couch in my room. Bella
was sitting on top of my bed with her legs crossed in front of her, one hand
in her mouth chewing on her thumbnail the other pulling at her pajama
pants. At some point, she'd released the elastic band thing from her hair so
that it fell down in front of her face to hide behind. She was obviously
uncomfortable; she couldn't even look up.
"I'm gonna go now…" she said quietly, slowly scooting toward the edge of
the bed.
"No! Don't you dare leave," I yelled at her, throwing my arms up for
emphasis. Bella jumped back a little cringing, as the volume of my voice
startled her. She stared at me with eyes so wide they reminded me of the
characters in those stupid Japanese anime cartoons. It couldn't have been
helping her massive hangover. "Come on… this is a steaming pile of crap
and you know it!"
"Edward, we allowed it in Chicago because of what happened, and you were
sort of…in a fragile state. But we're home now and we have to enforce some
rules here. It's for your own good."
"Oh pleeeeaaase, Mom," I rolled my eyes drawing out the word
emphatically. "Bella and I didn't do shit. I don't even fucking touch her.
Jasper and Emmett on the other hand, had their girlfriends sleep here last
night and trust me… none of them were sleeping. In fact, Jasper got his
birthday present… three fucking times. Sweet little Alice is evidently a
screamer and the walls are really goddamn thin up here!" I threw my hand
back, knocking on the wall behind me muttering, "Stupid piece of shit
crappy house." My mother cringed and my father scrubbed his hand over his
face groaning in disgust.
"If I had to listen to him scream, "Alice in Wonderland" one more time I was
going to strangle him." I raged as I found socks in my bureau drawer and
tossed them on the bed.
It was fucking gross but entirely true. Alice and Jasper were banging the shit
out of each other last night. They were both so wrecked, I don't know how
the hell Jasper managed to get it up three times after all the shit he drank.
Color me fucking lucky to have the room next to his. Between the banging
and the moaning and the giggling, I had to keep the TV on all night to drown
them out. Fucking horrible. Like pigs mating or some shit.
I wonder if my father realized he was raising animals. The Cullen Farm:
Where you can get the milk for free.
"Look, I understand that you want to be together, but Edward, what if
someone is watching? What if they do random checks and they see Bella
here in the morning? How does that look?"
"Please," I said again with a hefty eye roll that I though I may have possibly
even strained an ocular muscle on the way around. I never did the angsty
teenage rebellion- yelling at my unfair parents I hate you for existing I wish
I was never born- thing. Japer was known around the house for being the
pouty, argumentative, juvenile one, but my parents simply chalked it up to
middle child syndrome. I had always abided by their rules and listened to
their directives obediently, taking their advice and well…behaving. Even
when I started doing drugs and shit, I still managed to conduct myself in an
exemplary manner aside from being high whilst stealing a Porsche and well,
the whole date rape accusation. So the acting out thing… well, it was sort of
fun. And it felt good to yell.
"Would you put it past that girl to have you watched? Are you willing to take
that chance?" My mother stepped forward into the room with her arms
crossed. She was trying to maintain evenness in her voice, but I knew she
might crack any second because of her erratic pregnancy hormones. I didn't
want to see her cry though.
Bella mumbled something incoherent to herself, again, attempting to slink
off the bed.
I turned to Bella. "Do you have food at your house?" She nodded quickly.
"Good. Let's go there."
My mother clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Edward, you
are behaving really immaturely about this."
"Really, Mom? See, I don't think I am. I don't ask for much, you know? I
have very few things in this life that I desire. I don't bother anyone, I do my
homework, I get good grades. Why can you not trust me enough to sleep in
the same bed as my girlfriend, and not touch her?"
"That's neither her nor there, Edward," she replied with a frown.
"Then where the fuck is it, Mom? Please enlighten me as to where it is if it's
neither here nor there. S'gotta be somewhere!" I had to admit I was actually
enjoying this. It was very freeing.
She sighed rolling her head back in agitation. "Sweetie, we already went
through the reasons why."
"Oh yeah, I'm being watched, I forgot. Do you honestly think there's
surveillance on me? I mean, does no one have anything better to do than to
watch me? Cause I am so fucking interesting, right? Can they see through
walls now too, Mom? Because if they can they got quite a show here last
night. You should have sold tickets." I hopped off the couch, gathering
clothes from the closet and tossing them on the bed. My shirt landed on
Bella's lap and she immediately picked it up to smooth it out before it
wrinkled. I was going to marry this girl for sure.
It was so stupid for me to argue this whole issue, because this was my exact
reason for not touching Bella. I had just kind of hit my breaking point with
all of this shit, and I was done hiding and denying myself what I needed.
"At this rate, anything is possible. Is it worth the risk?" She turned to Bella.
"Bella, honey, do you understand what we're saying? It has nothing to do
with you per se."
"Mom just stop," I cut in acidly. " It has everything to do with her. You come
barging in here uninvited and whether you believe it or not… when you
accuse me of sleeping with Bella you are accusing her, too."
Yeah, you can feel guilty now, Mom.
"Um…I guess," Bella mumbled. Her voice was scratchy and thick with sleep
and embarrassment.
"Don't agree with her B. We did nothing wrong. Nothing to be ashamed or
embarrassed about." My mom hadn't even give her a chance to wake up
before she had come barging in and giving Bella the third degree about what
had been going on. I was in the shower while Bella was still asleep in my
bed wearing one of my tee shirts, because evidently when she threw up she
soiled her shirt and was too fucked up to give a shit and she ended up with
the first thing she could find in my drawer. What it looked like to my
parents, was most certainly not what had happened. However, that was the
reason I was so pissed.
I mean really, where was she when Alice and Rose took the walk of shame?
That is, if either one of them could still walk.
In all honesty, Bella and I could have fooled around last night after the kiss. I
mean, really fooled around with like…fingers and saliva and actual skin on
skin full bodily contact. I was fucking turned on enough that it had been
extraordinarily difficult not to have taken her upstairs and just do what we
both needed to do.
And let me just say my girl, for having little experience, was a fucking
awesome kisser. I had to instill a tremendous amount of restraint to not maul
her or at least cop a feel in the darkness of the backyard. I mean, I could
practically hear my dick begging me for a file to bust its way through the
zipper of my jeans to get to her pussy. But the fact was that we were both
drunk, and I didn't want to take it any further than the kiss, because I
wouldn't have stopped myself. And the last thing I wanted to do was take her
virginity while she was unable to make a coherent decision.
After the kiss, I had Bella wrapped in my arms with her head against my
chest for a while in the dark, listening to everyone celebrating inside. I was
fucking freezing so eventually, we went back down stairs where the music
changed to some slow shit and everyone was making out in the dimly lit
basement. Neither of us were able to stomach that crap, particularly
watching Jessica Stanley sloppily dry humping Mike Newton on my pool
table. Bella was feeling shitty anyway with a crying induced migraine, so I
brought her upstairs and we just fell asleep. Well, I tried to sleep, but Alice
and Jasper were being fucking loud and disgusting.
Granted, she was nestled in my arms for most of the night, but it was New
Years and I had to at some point say, "Fuck it." It was completely innocent,
and she didn't even get to make good on her promise to me regarding the
touching. Bella woke up at some point during the night to throw up and the
next thing I knew it was morning and my mom was banging on the fucking
door.
My father trudged off, muttering something about coffee, obviously losing
interest in the conversation. I shrugged off my robe, hanging it on the back
of the bathroom door then running a hand through my wet hair. My mother
gave me an agitated glare because I was now standing in the middle of my
room shirtless and just in boxer briefs. Without even looking at her, I could
feel Bella shrink back into the bed behind me, mortified. I was so pissed that
it really didn't dawn on me that I was half naked and trying to deny that
Bella and I had seen each other unclothed, in assorted compromising
positions before.
"You know what? Yeah… it is worth the risk. It was New Years Eve and
Bella didn't want to be alone. So I let her stay with me in my bed where she
fucking belongs. We don't even fucking touch each other, Mom. I am the
only kid in Forks that never gets laid, and the only one getting in trouble for
having a girl in his bed. Something is really fucking wrong here."
Esmom sighed. And then it occurred to me "Ohhhh, wait…I get it," I said
sardonically as the realization snapped in my brain. I held out an accusatory
finger. "You don't believe that we don't touch each other, do you?"
Okay, so maybe we touched a little, but fuck…
Her gaze shifted downward. "I honestly don't know, Edward. You're standing
here in the middle of your bedroom in just your underwear and it doesn't
even seem to faze you or Bella, for that matter. I know you two aren't as
innocent as you pretend to be. I really don't want to know the particulars, but
just know that if you get caught, your whole future will be compromised. I
can't in good conscience allow you to knowingly destroy your future."
"Look at her, Mom. Does she look unfazed? She's as red as a fucking
tomato." If Bella could have blended in with the comforter, she would have
tried.
She doesn't have to know that Bella blushed when she got turned on, too.
Don't worry Baby. That's our little secret.
"She's seen me in a bathing suit before. What's the difference?" Shaking my
head, I pulled on my jeans then, just as Emmett called from the hallway that
my mom had a delivery. She was expecting the arrival of her new family
friendly SUV, so disappointment passed across her faced when he handed
her a courier envelope, which she furrowed her brows at questioningly.
Emmett crossed the room, waved to Bella, and made himself at home on my
couch, kicking his feet up lazily. I glared at him, but he smiled smugly
ignoring me while he and Bella chatted.
Yeah look at that fucker, mom. He looks relaxed. That's cause HE GOT
LAID.
Obviously, the discussion was far from over, but my mother seemed to have
given the exchange a temporary reprieve while she examined the contents of
the package. She shook the large envelope and then held it open to peer
inside.
Her lips were pursed in contemplation when I looked up at her after slipping
on my socks. "What's the matter, Mom?" Emmett asked.
She shook her head silently while she held out a plain white letter sized
envelope toward me motioning to take it. When I opened it up, I stared at the
cream colored check blankly. My heart started pounding at the sight before
me.
"Ma? What the hell…?" The check was handwritten to me for one hundred
thousand dollars. It was my annual lump sum child support payment from
Dear Old Dad, Edward Stay Out of My Life Cause I Hate My Illegitimate
Kid Masen. "This is double what he normally sends…and I just assumed
since he signed the adoption papers, he wouldn't be sending checks
anymore. But double...what the fuck?"
"I assumed the same thing. Money was never discussed when the adoption
went forward…" She sighed. "There's no note or explanation. Maybe his
secretary sent it by mistake or something. I'll have to contact him to find
out." she mumbled.
I looked at her incredulously. "You talk to him, Mom?" This was fucking
news to me. As far as I knew, she maintained that he was an arrogant asshole
who had no interest in me whatsoever. That was obvious when I tried to see
him last year in New York. I was surprised to know that she had any kind of
contact with him. I knew they handled the adoption stuff through the
attorneys, so I didn't even think she had even spoken to him in a while.
She was certainly full of surprises today.
"Well, not on a regular basis, no, but I do know his contact information, so...
Don't deposit that until I tell you to." She seemed very distracted and a little
forlorn even. Rubbing her flat stomach, she nodded at Bella and said, "The
two of you be back here at six for dinner and cake for Jasper, okay?"
And that apparently ended that.
"Hey Ma, how much of it can I have?" I asked, because he usually sent fifty
thousand and my mom allowed me to take fifteen of it for whatever I
wanted. The other thirty five went into an account that I couldn't touch until
I was eighteen.
"I don't know, Edward. Let me think about it." She turned and walked out
without further a word.
"Dude…double?" Emmett said skeptically. "A hundred grand from an
absentee asshole of a father you've never even fucking met? Shit…"
Bella's eyes widened momentarily, before she flopped back on the bed,
covering herself with my comforter muttering, "I want an absentee asshole
daddy too."
"Hell, so do I." Emmett chuckled.
Not knowing how to feel about the money or even what to say or think about
it, I tucked the check neatly into my top drawer until I had permission to
cash it. Then I crossed the room, pulling the covers off Bella as she shrieked.
I flopped on the bed next to her, barely an inch away from her nose. "What
do you want to do today?"
"You." She pursed her lips batting her eyelashes at me.
My eyebrow quirked. Fuck, she was beautiful.
And…I'm hard.
"Mmm…yeah?"
"Um hum…" she fingered the collar of my shirt. After last night's
fucktabulous New Year's kiss, I knew it was going to be an issue with Bella
once the theoretical seal was broken. She wouldn't ask me for more simply
because she had no idea of the boundaries she was able to cross, but it was
obvious by the way she looked at me just then that she wanted more of me
and my mouth.
While I lay awake last night with Bella sleeping snugly in my arms, I
decided that even though I shouldn't have been entertaining the idea of
further physical instances with my own girlfriend who loved me
unconditionally, I couldn't further deny myself what was rightfully mine.
Kissing Bella was one of the best fucking experiences in my life, and I
would be damned if I couldn't have that feeling of her mouth on mine more
often.
The only choice I had was to delegate any further heavy kissing to special
occasions. Again, it was stupid to have even broached the subject and even
dumber to have put the actual kissing into motion, but now that I did and we
had, it was too late to turn back. I needed this girl like air and water and
food.
Speaking of food…I was fucking starving.
Bella turned when Emmett cleared his throat. "You know…you two are like
some G -rated porn or something. Like Disney porn. It's freaky and sexy at
the same time. I think it's even turning me on a little. Fuck, I need to call
Rose."
~%~
Bella and I smoked up in the tree house really quickly before heading to her
house. She decided that she wanted to be relaxed for the afternoon's
activities, and well, I was nervous as fuck, so the weed sounded like a good
plan to me.
It was barely eleven in the morning, but she cooked up some angel hair pasta
with a lemon butter sauce that was so fucking amazing I had three helpings.
I would have made my amazing French toast, but she was out of eggs. While
she showered, I washed the dishes and cleaned up, needing a way to burn off
some of the nervous energy I was feeling. Plus I just knew I wouldn't be able
to concentrate on anything if I knew the mess was there.
Even though it was her idea, and I was enthusiastic about doing anything
with her or to her that would give her some pleasure, it still felt kind of
wrong…sort of like cheating. And by that I meant, not cheating on the rules,
because fuck the restraining order and double fuck Judge Aro... but cheating
nature.
Well then again, if I thought about it hard enough, it was more like…fuck
me because as tough and as defiant as I thought I was being- the prick still
had me by the balls, because if that weren't true than I would be fucking her
with my own cock and not a goddamn sparkly replica of it. I digress.
The guilt was about her virginity and the fact that the first thing inside of her
would be a piece of rubber. Her virginity was sacred and should be
treasured...yeah, I sounded like a massive fucking fruit cake for that but it
was entirely true. I was nervous about the whole thing because there were
things that I had no idea how to handle…like popping her cherry and the
blood and…the pain. I just thought that it would be weird, sticking this thing
inside of her and causing her pain while I was just sitting there looking on. I
didn't fucking know. I had wanted to talk to Em about it, but I never got a
chance. Besides, how do you even broach that subject?
Hey Bro, I want to fuck my virgin girlfriend with a rubber replica of my cock
and I need some pointers.
Ugh.
I headed up to her room to wait, thinking that maybe I could Google the
losing of virginity thing to kill time. We had tried once before, but we were
kind of high and got side tracked. When I powered up her laptop, the screen
flashed a slideshow of all these pictures of us from Halloween and
Christmas, most of them I had seen on Bella's little pink digital camera
display at some point, but hadn't bothered to notice the details in them. Aside
from the pictures of me on the skating rink, which I was determined to have
destroyed, in a few of the pictures Bella was captured gazing at me with
such fucking awe in her expression, in her smile…there was so much love
and compassion for me that it took my breath away.
I heard the shower turn off across the hall, shut down the computer, and lay
back on Bella's bed taking a very deep breath. I deliberately held it in for a
while before letting go, because I was high and I was nervous and fucking
excited mixed with a bit of impatience, to be honest. Resting with my hands
laced behind my head, my lids shut and I imagined Bella's beautiful smile.
And maybe her tits too.
I opened one eye to see her appear in her doorway, wearing a blue towel
wrapped around her body and another twisted atop her head in a turban. She
sat on the bed next to me, her shoulders still glistening with beads of water. I
took the hairbrush from her hand, offering her a smile, which she returned
with a blush to her cheeks.
She was nervous. And maybe a little turned on.
"Come here, Beautiful."
Bella scooted backward, and flipped off the towel on her head, letting her
wet hair tumble around her shoulders and down her back. Starting at the
ends, I ran the brush through the strands, until Bella's head was lolling
forward and she was giggling and moaning with delight.
"Mmmm…that feels so good."
Her little sounds shot straight to my crotch. I shifted behind her to make
things a little more comfortable and when I was finished brushing she peered
over her shoulder at me. Her lashes fluttered against the peak of her cheeks,
innocent…seductive.
I realized that the enigma she presented was that of a little girl just on the
precipice of becoming a woman. It made me feel weird and sort of pervy
that I was turned on by this. Bella reached into her nightstand drawer, setting
her bottle of lotion on the surface and then pulled a rectangular pink shoebox
from underneath her bed which she handed to me.
Lifting the lid, I took a peek inside, already knowing that the Mega Me was
in there, resting snugly amongst a bed of tissue paper patterned with pink
hearts. I felt like it should be sanitized before we used it, so I hopped off the
bed heading to the bathroom. After lathering it with soap and rinsing it
thoroughly, I kind of glared at it with a bit of scorn and some definite malice,
knowing that it would have the privilege of being inside of her and not me.
Lucky fucker.
Then I laughed aloud, realizing that I was jealous of my own Mock Cock.
After rinsing away my pasta breath with some mouthwash, I came back into
the room, thoroughly rubbing the plastic down with a clean hand towel.
While I was busy being distracted with the fake peen, Bella smoothed lotion
delicately on her pale arms and legs. My lotion.
As soon as the all too familiar scent wafted toward me, sparks flew into my
crotch in a heated coiling wave. I grunted all caveman like before I
practically came in my pants in a fucked up Pavlovian response or some shit.
God I fucking wanted her.
My mouth went dry and I found myself exhaling shakily, knowing that just
under the softness of the towel Bella had wrapped around her body, was the
silkiness of her naked skin, still damp and smelling like fucking heaven. I
stared at her, holding the rubber penis in my hand like some kind of
deranged virginity stealing teenage voyeur waiting for Bella to give me a
signal that she was ready.
"You sure you want to do this? We don't have to, you know that right?"
Without responding verbally, Bella laid down on the bed with a smile,
resting her hand underneath her cheek. Clambering onto the bed beside her, I
lay back onto the pillows as well, scooting myself up until we were nose to
nose. My heart thudded in my chest being so close to her, remembering the
way she tasted.
"I'm ready," she whispered softly. Nodding hesitantly, I swallowed around
the nervous lump in my throat and exhaled.
"I love you." I whispered into her mouth as I brought my lips to hers. Her
mouth opened slightly when she whispered the words back to me in a slow
breath. Hearing her say that to me made me feel woozy and fucked up and
horny as a motherfucker. I wasn't sure what to do with my hands, because I
was still insistent on the no touching thing, with the exception of our
mouths. I didn't know what the fucking difference would even be if we just
had actual sex, but I figured it would have been like throwing in the towel
after abstaining so long.
It was the most stupid rationale in the history of fucked up justifications
ever…but I was at the point that I almost needed to see how long I could
actually hold out before the bullshit NSRO was invalidated. A personal
challenge, if you will.
Letting my tongue dart out against her lips, I scraped my teeth over her
bottom lip, while she sucked on my top, like we had done the night before. I
felt the slight vibration of a whimper and then her smile against my mouth.
My instinctive reaction was to return it.
"What's so funny?" I asked pulling back slightly, still smiling.
"Nothing's funny. I just really love kissing you. It makes me feel warm and
mmmm… tingly and stuff in my girlie parts." I was so fucking hard, it was
beginning to throb. Snaking my hand between our bodies, I palmed my dick
through my jeans, annoyed that they were the obstructive button fly kind and
not the zipper fly. I wanted to unbutton them, to relieve some of the pressure.
Well, what I really fucking wanted was for her to blow me, but…
"Yeah? You do the same thing for me, Beautiful." My hips thrusted
involuntarily towards her. Her lip caught between her teeth as she looked
down between our bodies sheepishly. Immediately understanding what she
wanted, I rolled my eyes, pulling up my shirt so she could see my erection
for herself. She was a kinky little thing and enjoyed seeing the product of her
efforts.
"I love doing that to you," she breathed.
Fuck. I love it too, baby.
"Can you do something else for me?" I asked. She nodded eagerly. "Put your
fingers between your legs. I need to check if you're wet enough for the uh…
sparkle thingy." I knew she didn't have proper lube in her possession and I
really didn't want to have to sprint back home to get mine in the middle of
this fucked up erotic adventure. Her hand moved gently to her thigh,
sweeping inward until it was nestled between her legs.
For a few seconds, my thumb and forefinger rubbed against the soft corner
of the towel before tugging the terrycloth out of the tuck, so that I could see
her naked with her fingers disappearing inside of her pussy. The towel fell
away, revealing her body in all of its natural beauty.
Holy mother fucking crap that shit is hot.
Bella pulled her fingers out, holding them between our faces to inspect.
They fucking glistened. A wry smile crept over her face along with a deep
rose blush against her cheeks.
"I'm very wet. We're good to go."
All of the breath escaped my lungs in one giant swoop. "Oh God…" I
whimpered with my face pressed flat into the bedspread, because I fucking
couldn't stand the sensation of my cock suffocating in my pants. "I have to
get…fucking free," I growled through clenched teeth, struggling to unbutton
my ridiculously tight jeans. For all the money I dropped on those damn
things, you'd think they would include a goddamn stretch panel insert for
unexpected rampant hard ons or something. My fingers ripped at the
buttons, struggling to get myself out of the fucking denim prison.
Prison? Jail?…Maybe penal complex is a more appropriate word.
I fucking kill myself.
Once the last button was unfastened, and the pressure ceased a bit, I exhaled
in relief. Succumbing to an intrinsic reaction, my palm cupped over my dick,
stroking the shaft through my boxer briefs. It felt so fucking good, I closed
my eyes for a second, just to absorb the sensation. Just under the waistband
of the fabric, was a small wet spot from leaking precum. I really, really
fucking wanted to get naked with her, but I knew that if I did the only dick in
the room getting wet would be the one attached to my groin.
"Alright…lay on your back" I instructed, sitting up. I reached for the Mega
Me on her nightstand tentatively with a shaking hand. Bella rolled onto her
back, flattening the pillows underneath her head until she was comfortable.
"Are you cold?" I asked stalling as my eyes raked over her naked body. I
really was concerned that she was cold, but I was shitting myself with this
too. She shook her head no.
Exhaling slowly, I took the dildo in my hand, eying it one last time before I
inserted it inside of her. It was long yeah, but had some pretty decent girth to
it as well and I wondered if we should have opted for a smaller, plain type
vibrator to start off with.
I raised my eyebrows at her in a final warning. "This thing is fucking huge."
She giggled and rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "Yeah, and so's your big
ego. Get on with it."
"That's not what I meant…although… I am well hung," I stated with a
haughty head bobble. When she scowled, I added, "Okay, Okay fine. I'll shut
up."
Bella drew her knees up, so that her feet were flat on the bed and then very
slowly, her eyes closed and her knees parted simultaneously. She was just…
perfect. I licked my lips at the sight of her knowing that if I really wanted to
fuck things up and add more confusion to the mix, I could just make love to
her like a normal fucking person. However, this relationship was anything
but normal.
She lifted up her hips, so that I could adjust the towel underneath her, if she
should bleed.
This is so fucked up.
Situating myself between her parted legs and gripping the sparklepeen in my
palm, I pressed the rubber head gently onto her slit. Bella gasped, tensing
her leg and abdominal muscles, lifting her hips off the bed. Her eyes were
squeezed shut tightly, as though she was waiting for the pain. Tentatively,
and as slowly as I could, I passed the head up and down her slit, coating it
with wetness before I attempted to slip it inside of her. She moaned,
allowing her body to relax a bit. I sighed a breath of relief that she was at
least enjoying this a little.
"Okay…" I whispered, letting her know that I was going to insert it inside of
her. I pushed the head inside of her about an inch and she tensed up again,
her fists curling into balls. Her insides were clenched tighter than Fort
Fucking Knox.
I sighed. "Bella, baby you need to relax. I can't do this if you tense up."
"Sorry," she replied, visibly calming as her eyes fluttered open in apology. I
shook my head, because she felt the need to fucking apologize for being
nervous about this shit. Gripping the sparklepeen in my hand, I pushed it
inside of her again, feeling a definite resistance from her inner walls as she
clenched down.
I sat back on my heels, pulling it out of her again. "B…we can stop. You
don't seem to be enjoying this at all."
"No, no! I'm just…afraid its gonna hurt. I'll try to relax."
"Okay, listen, Beautiful. Open your eyes and look at me," I instructed softly.
I slid the vibrator button to on, pressing it against my palm. I smirked at the
fact that it was wet with her arousal and that it was on my hand and I wasn't
even grossed out. Pressing the tip gently into her again, she gasped and
moaned. I slid it upward, circling her clit.
"Oh shit…" she breathed, the corners of her mouth turning up into a smile.
"That feels so… amazing." And God if she didn't look like a fucking virginal
porn star with her hair all fanned around her face and my mock cock causing
her to writhe. I felt the wet spot on my underwear warm, and I knew I was
fucking leaking shit again. I wanted to palm my dick, but I really wasn't all
that ambidextrous, and this was about her.
"Bella, Love…touch your tits for me,' I whispered.
So okay, maybe this was about me a little bit too.
Bella's nails dragged up her torso to her breasts where she cupped them both
in her hands and rubbed her thumbs over her hardened nipples. She threw
her head back and moaned loudly.
"Pinch them."
She did as I asked, pinching her nipples between her thumb and forefinger.
Bella's hips pressed upward, rising and circling as though she were being
fucked. I was damn near explosion. Biting my bottom lip in frustration, I
switched the dildo into my left hand, returning it to her clit. Then I reached
inside my underwear and gripped my cock in my right hand. I was fucking
drenched, and had I not been conscious and aware of the fact that I did not
have a fucking orgasm, I might have thought I'd already cum by the amount
of wetness soaking around my cock.
Bella's hands were fisting the comforter, her heels digging into the bed. Her
eyes were shut and her jaw was clenched…obviously she was almost there.
Rubbing the wetness over my slit, I lubed up my thumb and circled the head
of my cock, before I slid my hand down and stroked. Three fucking seconds
of rubbing and I was screaming and cursing as I came all over Bella's
stomach. It couldn't be helped...I had only one free hand.
Her eyes flashed toward my cock and her lips parted. "Fuck…E…I'm …
gonna…come…" And she screamed, and thrashed around like a fucking
banshee until she smacked the vibrator away and rolled onto her side,
panting and whimpering.
I used the corner of the towel to wipe off her stomach and her jizzed up legs.
She giggled, clearly finding the fact that I came all over her a turn on. Who
the fuck knew she had a kinky side?
I liked it.
Once her breathing was no longer labored, she peeked up at me through her
still damn hair.
I held up the dildo, with an eyebrow cocked. "Should we continue or are you
spent?"
Bella's eyes narrowed as she licked her lips. I watched as her thighs rubbed
together and she inhaled. "I want you inside me, E." I swallowed hard, my
deflated dick standing to attention again at the sound of her breathy words.
Bella rolled onto her back once again, spreading her legs wide. I would
never, ever get tired of seeing her like that.
I put the tip at her entrance, passing it up and down as I had done before,
only now her sensitivity had been heightened and she was relaxed. I knew it
would be a better experience for her if she felt like it was something that we
were both experiencing simultaneously. I straddled her thigh, sitting up on
my knees without touching her, placing my left hand near her face so that I
was hovering over her, as though I was going to really put myself inside of
her. Her eyes locked with mine.
"Don't take your eyes off of mine," I told her, pushing the tip in an inch. She
held her gaze affixed to my eyes. "Exhale."
Bella's sweet lips pursed she let out a long, slow breath. I pushed the dildo
inside of her another inch, and then another, watching in awe as her mouth
opened and she whimpered.
"If you want me to stop, just say so baby, okay?"
She nodded, whispering, "No…keep going."
Meeting no resistance, I slid it in further, painfully slow, watching her eyes
widen and then flicker shut. She was so fucking tight it was unreal. My cock
twitched and I swear I heard it high five my balls knowing that eventually it
would be inside of her, feeling that tautness itself.
I couldn't help but kiss her. My lips met hers and she licked my mouth,
pushing her tongue inside of me, twisting and playing. I moaned against her
mouth, feeling heated sparks in my cock at the way it felt as her hand
wrapped around my head and her fingers raked through the back of my
scalp.
I gave her a few chaste pecks smiling at her beautiful face, all the innocence
and wonder evident, yet so muddled with sexiness. She hissed as I neared
the end, very surprised that it had not yet hit anything. I was holding my
breath because I was fucking scared and didn't want her to feel pain. Once I
reached the end, I stilled.
Cringing with one eye open, I asked, "How does that feel?"
She wrinkled her nose in thought. "Um...weird. Burns a little, but it doesn't
really hurt."
I nodded. "I don't think you have a um…" I waved my hand back and forth
over her stomach hoping she would understand that to mean hymen. Despite
the fact that I had desires to be a doctor at some point in the future, I hated
clinical words. They just had an uncanny way of ruining the moment. And
the phrase "popping a cherry" was fucking disrespectful or some shit. Like
saying a girl was "on the rag"…they didn't like that at all.
"Ready?" She nodded, giving me a small smile. I pulled it out slowly, almost
to the end. She hissed through her teeth, cringing. Before she could protest, I
slid it back inside of her, feeling the resistance again. She was
uncomfortable.
I sighed. "Okay, I think that's it for today." Bella nodded apologetically. "We
can try again whenever you want, alright?"
"Kay."
It wasn't nearly as horrible as I had imagined, and I was especially fucking
delighted that there had been no blood and almost no pain. Once we used it a
few more times, hopefully when we could make love for real, things would
go smoothly. I knew when the time came that I wanted it to be special for
her, and well…for me too. My first time was less than memorable, being
drunk and with someone I had no feelings for. Being with Bella intimately
and making sure the night was perfect for her was my ultimate life goal at
this point. Unfortunately, it still seemed so fucking far away.
~%~
When school started up on Monday morning, I was actually sort of excited
to be back. Though I couldn't say that I liked the tedious monotony of the
teacher's lectures, I had missed the routine of classes as well as the way it
provided a constructive use of time. It had become entirely too grating on
my nerves being at home with my family for so long with nothing to do. I
needed a break from that.
Besides, I was really looking forward to starting our cooking class. I said a
silent prayer of thanks that I wasn't the only guy in the class. Ben Cheney
and Angela Weber were also in our class, as was some douchey senior from
Em's football team that was obviously there because he thought it was an
easy A. The first week was just learning basics- general terms, how to
properly measure, identifying different types of utensils and things like
cleanliness which was my favorite part, I might add. I had no idea that you
shouldn't touch raw meat before handling food, or eat raw eggs in cake mix
and stuff. It was very enlightening.
We started on Romeo and Juliet in English, which Bella was ecstatic about.
She hadn't actually read the book before, but she loved the film remake with
Leonardo DiCaprio and remarked about how hot it was that they were
always wet. I hadn't read the novel either and from what I knew about the
story in general, I was expecting it to be this shitty sappy overly romantic
piece of fluff that I'd be bored to death with in five seconds. However, I was
surprised at how passionate Romeo and Juliet were for each other despite
their young age and the odds that were against them. They were willing to
die for one another, going against their parents wishes, and I thought the
depth of their love was beyond impressive. I could relate to that infatuation
wholeheartedly.
The week went by quickly, leading into the weekend, where Bella and I
spent most of it high, sating our munchies and sexual cravings. We played
with the little purple vibrator again, and I actually was able to jerk off,
watching while she used it on herself.
Seriously, it was fuckhot and made me cum buckets.
There was no doubt in my mind that once things were normal between us,
our sex life would be fucking kinky as hell. My beautiful girl liked the weird
stuff, not that I minded a bit, but I was wondering if by the time I got to stick
my actual dick in her, if that would even be satisfying for her.
The kissing, though we had agreed to consign to special occasions, got a
little out of control. We had gone into Port Angeles over the weekend for
dinner and a movie with my brothers and their respective horny as fuck
girlfriends. Watching them make out obviously was a major turn on for
Bella, because she kept looking at me with these fucking bedroom eyes that
lured me into submission. I had her tongue down my throat in the car on the
way there, then again in some back alleyway next to the theater, and then
when I dropped her off that night we spent a good half hour sucking face in
my car. So much for special occasions.
I couldn't help it…the girl fucking owned me. We never touched each other
anywhere, other than occasionally holding hands. It was all so innocent and
sweet and entirely fucking frustrating really, because I always went home
with a massive chubby and frequently had to pull a double wank session in
order to feel any type of relief. I knew Bella was using her Mega Me
frequently too, so I felt a little better knowing that she was able to get off as
well.
On Tuesday afternoon, I said goodbye to Bella in the school parking lot,
agreeing to meet her at her house after therapy. She was going to show me
how to make chicken parmesan and I was really looking forward to it.
Therapy went well, and though I wanted to talk to her about playing baseball
again I refrained, opting to discuss just about anything but. Dr. Kate was
pushing me to talk about the night with Charlotte, but I couldn't bring myself
to do it...not yet. It had been bad enough rehashing those memories when I
told Bella, but I was still having some nightmares and I didn't think bringing
it up would help them any.
After the session, I headed down to Starbucks, grabbed myself two Caramel
Macchiato's to go, and checked my phone messages.
"Hey E. Listen, my dad just called and he's sort of freaking the fuck out over
something. I don't know what the hell is going on, but he won't say anything
over the phone and it's making me nervous. I think he's in trouble or
something… I'm not really sure. He told me to pack some clothes, so I think
I might have to stay with him in Seattle for a few days. I have a feeling it
involves a case of his…maybe a pissed off husband is after him or something
and he's just taking precautions. You know, once a cop always a cop, right? I
don't really know, but I'm sure he's overreacting. Shit, my cell battery is
about to die, so once I get to Maggie's I'll call you and let you know the
deal. I love you."
Her call had come in about an hour prior, right after I had shut the ringer off
while walking into my scheduled session. I was honestly worried about what
she had said, though Bella didn't seem too bothered by the situation. I didn't
like the idea of her having to stay in Seattle for a few days as she had
indicated Charlie wanted her to and it pissed me off that she would be
involved in anything pertaining to Charlie's cases. Who the fuck knew what
these people were capable of?
I handed the coffee I had bought for Bella to a homeless guy on the corner,
along with a twenty dollar bill and got in my car anxious. Once I got home, I
worked out with Emmett for a good hour and a half, and then hit the hot tub
because my shoulder was sore again from playing the Wii.
Since the afternoon I had helped Little Ethan inside the batting cage and
used the virtual pitching machine in Chicago, my mind had been on
baseball. And though it had sucked ass having to deal with the aftermath of
the acute pain that accompanied overexerting myself, I couldn't stop the itch.
It started small…deep within, somewhere inside me that I had hidden a
while back. I tried to ignore it, pretending that I didn't care while attempting
to block out how fucking alive and in control it made me feel.
But the video baseball game sitting on my dresser unopened had taunted me
for days, until I finally surrendered to its siren call and set up the damn game
system in my bedroom. And then I couldn't stop. Sometimes Emmett would
come in at night after Rose had left to play alongside of me. He fucking got
off on taunting me until I got pissed and really gave it my all, just like at the
pitching machine that day. I thought he would be a fuckawesome coach
someday.
I had asked my gym coach when baseball tryouts for the Forks High team
started, but I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to play on the team. I had heard
the team sucked last year, and to be perfectly honest, regardless of the fact
that I hadn't played in so long and was entirely out of shape, I didn't know if
I could play for a team that was bad. It wasn't that I was arrogant or being
pretentious about it, but I had been on elite teams for so long that I was
pretty sure I lacked the patience for anything less than players who were
superior and made winning the game their priority. That was just my Type A
shit, though.
I was still on the fence and had looked into recreational teams, but they aged
out at sixteen, so I wasn't even sure if I qualified as I would turn seventeen
mid season. Bottom line was, that I wasn't sure I was even still as good as I
had been before I quit playing. I figured I would just have to wait and see
once I played an actual game. But in the meantime, I knew that as soon as
the weather warmed up a bit, I would start running in the morning before
school to get back some of my stamina. I was actually looking forward to
the burn of the drive and the discipline and routine that accompanied Spring
Training, even if I didn't ever make it onto an organized team.
Before I hit the shower, I checked my phone again, disheartened that I still
hadn't heard from Bella. It was now beginning to piss me off. But knowing
her, she probably didn't bring her charger with her, so she was more than
likely still sitting with a dead cell.
I tried her phone again, but it went straight to voicemail, indicating it had
been turned off or that most likely, the battery was still dead. Either way it
was fucking frustrating. Tapping my fingers on the table nervously, I
scrolled through my cell phone to find the number to E-clips, hoping I could
get in touch with Maggie. When I asked for her and the receptionist said
Maggie had left for the day, I groaned and cursed at her, quickly apologizing
for my brusqueness. The receptionist got all nosey then, when I inquired
about Maggie's last name, consequently having to explain that I was
Charlie's daughter's boyfriend and that I was worried about Bella. She
wouldn't give out any personal information, but said she would try to contact
Maggie and relay the message. Somehow I had the feeling that Maggie
would never get that message.
Midnight.
Five long ass hours and almost a half pack of cigarettes later, Bella's
whereabouts were still unknown. There was a twisting feeling…an aching in
my chest gnawing at me knowing instinctively that something was definitely
wrong. I thought it was called woman's intuition, but at this point I had it and
it was fucking bad. And I was at a complete loss, because I couldn't for the
life of me remember where the fuck Maggie lived, as I hadn't paid any
attention when we picked her up on the way to the airport, and I didn't have
Charlie's cell number either.
After grabbing a bottled water from the kitchen, I went back upstairs to my
room, powering up my laptop to see if there was anything on the salon
website that had something I could go on. There was nothing. No emails
from Bella either. And it was that point that I wanted to fucking cry out of
desperation. What the fuck would I do if she had been hurt? Who even knew
if she made it to Seattle in one piece?
The hours of uncertainty and anxiety pounded through me, leaving me tense
and irritable. I considered taking a Xanax or an Ambien, but dismissed those
options, because I wanted to be in a sober state if I needed to drive
somewhere unexpectedly. Sleep evaded me, and the little that I did get was
filled with a tormenting dream of Bella hanging over a cliff, her hands
grasping to rocks at the gravelly edge, just within my reach… only I couldn't
fucking touch her. Every time I reached for her, her hand would slip through
mine like a ghostly mirage.
I woke start, sitting straight up in bed, breathing hard. Slumping out of my
bed, I took a piss, checked my phone and walked around the side of the
house to see if maybe there was a car in B's driveway. There was nothing,
just darkness. Not even the light over the garage was on. The house looked
completely deserted.
The sound of my alarm clock buzzing startled me out of a deep sleep that my
body had eventually submitted to, though I had been resistant. I was
exhausted, but there was no way I could go back to sleep knowing that
Bella's whereabouts were still unknown. School was going to be a major
inconvenience.
I shaved quickly, luckily not cutting the hell out of myself since my hands
were trembling, and then jumped in the shower, leaving the cell on the
bathroom vanity because I didn't want to miss her call. As the spray hit my
face, I let the warm water rinse away the bad dreams and some of the
anxiety that I was feeling. I stepped out of the enclosure rubbing a towel
over my sopping wet hair, and the phone finally rang. For some reason my
heart sunk straight to my feet.
Bella's name on the display screen sent an electric shockwave through my
heart, awakening all of my exhausted senses. I could barely hear her over the
thud of my heartbeat.
"Oh thank Fucking God! Baby, what the fuck? Where are you? I have been
trying to get in touch with you since yesterday." My voice was a mixture of
relief and anger.
"Edddddward… I'm at Mmmmaggie's." Bella's voice was hoarse and frantic.
She had obviously been crying as her voice was edged with this
indescribable shakiness and exhaustion that told me she had probably
undergone a panic attack at some point in the recent hours. My whole body
tensed, and my heart raced impossibly fast as I sat on the closed toilet seat
listening to my poor sweet girl while she brought to light the last fifteen
hours in one long, somewhat incoherent sentence. Between her sobs and
sniffles, it was incredibly difficult to understand her spewing out details of
what had transpired. I had to ask her to calm down and breathe before she
should repeat what she had said. Frustration, desperation, and fear were
evident in her voice and in the tears that I was not able to wipe away from
her cheeks.
She was on the verge of hysteria, weeping helplessly, coming completely
undone. I could practically feel her shaking through the phone. I was so
fucking worried about her that my chest hurt with the incapacitating need to
hold her in my arms and assure her that everything was going to be okay…
even though after what she had told me…I knew damn well that it wouldn't
be okay.
Nothing was okay now.
After promising that I would come get her, I did my best to calm her to the
point that her tears had reduced to just sniffles and hiccups. It took her a
while to figure out Maggie's address, as she couldn't find any unopened mail
or utility bills lying round. I finally told her to go outside and look on the
façade of the apartment building. I stayed on the phone with her while she
looked, hastily pulling on dark jeans and a thermal shirt.
What she told me had devastated her…and in the few minutes that I paced
the room, my mind racing furiously with a reasonable and effective solution
to this very cumbersome problem, I could only think of one sure way to fix
this….to fucking fix everything.
As neatly as I possibly could within the time constraints, I packed a bag of
clothes and necessary toiletries, remembering to pack my prescriptions as
well. I took my bank book and my debit card, slipping it in my wallet. My
laptop slid inside its padded case with an extra battery and my wireless
internet connector and then I dumped out my backpack to make room for my
iPod, phone charger, the manila envelope that I kept in my desk drawer and
two packs of cigarettes. It was going to be a long fucking ride.
The only thing I left in the bag was my copy of Romeo and Juliet. I liked the
irony of having it with me.
I had to pause a minute to manage my thoughts, making sure I had
everything I needed. And then I remembered the key to this whole idea…the
business card with the pretentious font and the burgundy raised type… was
tucked in an old unused wallet at the back of my third drawer where my
mother, if she should be inclined to snoop, would be unlikely to find it.
Quickly, I pulled from the closet and unzipped the garment bag a few inches
to make sure the contents were what I had expected and then, without
leaving a note or even a clue that I had left in a hurry, I exited the house
through the back staircase so that no one would even know I was absent.
I set my laptop in the front passenger seat where I had easy access to it.
While I loaded my trunk with my stuff, I remembered something Bella had
said a while back, so I pulled in her drive way and left the motor running.
After searching for a minute, I found the extra key under the flowerpot on
the back porch that Charlie wasn't aware Bella had hidden there, and quietly
let myself inside. My hand was shaking so badly I could barely manage to fit
the key inside the hole. I found what I needed hoping it was the right shit
and then I turned out of our block and onto the cross street, having made it
away from both houses undetected.
My nerves were frayed to the point of disrepair with this shit and I needed a
fucking smoke badly. Reaching into my jacket pocket, I pulled out a
cigarette and lit it with shaking hand, using the lighter Bella had gotten me
months prior. I knew I loved her then… I wondered idly if she had any idea
she loved me too.
My foot pressed down on the accelerator allowing me to gun it once I got to
the highway leading out of Forks and into Seattle. I had promised Bella I
would be there in under three hours, knowing I had a full tank of gas and a
fuckload of determination to get to her before anyone could stop me. Just
had to hope no cops were lurking in any inconspicuous clearings waiting to
give me a speeding ticket or slow me down.
Keeping one eye on the road and one on my laptop screen, I typed in the
search bar, eventually pulling up what I needed. A few phone calls, a couple
of white lies and some extensive note taking later, I pretty much had
everything I needed. Well, except for the one necessary phone call I fucking
dreaded as well as a major accessory, but because I was pressed for time, we
would have to concern ourselves about that afterwards.
Priorities you know?
Yeah, this was fucking stupid and impulsive and borderline ridiculous and
probably going to get us both into a shit heap of trouble. I knew it and I
didn't give a flying fuck. I loved Bella and she loved me and it was bad
enough we couldn't even touch…or sleep in the same bed, but there was no
fucking way in hell that anyone was going to stop me from seeing her. That
shit was unfucking acceptable.
And though I knew there was a fairly decent chance that this plan of mine
wasn't necessarily going to be warmly accepted by Bella, I had to make the
attempt, because I loved her desperately, and she was my fucking lifeline. I
couldn't fathom an existence without her in it…it would devastate me.
As I exhaled a gust of gray smoke out the open window, I allowed myself a
smirk thinking of my intentions…and hopefully, the eventual outcome.
Because I had come to realize, that regardless of the fact that it was fucking
insane, it was the only way we could be together.
~%~

I haven't left you with a cliffy for a while…I thought it was about damn
time.
Have a great week.
xoxox
EdwardsBloodType
Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009 /2010
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Thank you to Suzy for everything including calling Vegas and tolerating
the snippy lady for me and for listening to me ramble on about changing
storylines and Amish people and champagne glasses with the word
Groom inscribed in them. Thank you to the readers for the continued
and amazing support for the story.
This has not been Beta'ed. Becca is MIA. Excuse the typos, please. I had
the honor of being interviewed at So You Think You Can Write. The link
is here : (dot) com/?p=1916
***Outfits for this chapter are on my profile. Please take a look.***

High Anxiety
Chapter 28~ Loophole
Check yes Juliet
I'll be waiting, wishing, wanting
Yours for the taking.
Just sneak out
And don't tell a soul goodbye.
Run baby run
Don't ever look back
They'll tear us apart if you give them the chance
Don't sell your heart, don't say we're not meant to be
Run baby run, forever will be
You and me
Check Yes Juliet~ We the Kings
~Bella~
Edward was absolutely, one hundred and ten percent right.
I finally understood why he hadn't ever kissed me in secret and why he was
so adamant about keeping our relationship so virtuous. It was immensely
addicting and though I loved, loved, loved kissing him more than anything
else in the world (more than new designer boots and pink sparkly things,) I
wanted more from him. I felt terrible to begin with, giving him my I want to
be kissed right now face, because though he tried his very best to resist, my
seductive female powers were too overwhelming for him. I secretly relished
in the knowledge that I had the ability to make him crumble at my feet.
I did, however feel a tremendous amount of guilt for toying with his weak
teenage boy hormones and broke his "only on special occasions" rule more
than a few times. I always made sure it was in places we were practically
guaranteed to be unseen and if he really wanted to say no, he did, and I made
a point of not letting him feel badly about rejecting me.
We had been getting closer and closer physically and emotionally,
experimenting with our sexual limitations and getting around the no
touching thing pretty resourcefully. We tried the sparklepeen and it was
okay…not as bad as I had expected once it was inside, but not exactly earth
shattering as I would have expected. But when he had it on the outside, it
was motherfucking uh-ma-zing! I tried it by myself a few times, but it wasn't
the same without Edward there, touching himself. I rather enjoyed his
presence and his dirty mouth coaxing me to come.
I think it was entirely possible that I had some repressed deviant sexual
desires or maybe I was even like a kinky sex slave in a past life, because I
liked the weird shit…dildos and vibrators and porn and watching Edward
jerk off and even…yeah even when he accidentally spilled some of his jizz
on me…it was hot.
But the kissing thing…it was hard to stop myself when it felt so natural to
do it. Particularly upon saying hello and goodbye. It was Tuesday and we
were in the school parking lot. He lit a cigarette, bringing it to my lips,
which gave me tingles and I absolutely loved the intimacy of the gesture. He
had asked if I wanted to shop in Port Angeles while he was at his session,
but I declined because I had a butt load of Spanish homework, and I knew
Emmett would be calling me for the answers at some point.
I'd been having this insane craving for chicken parm, so I told Edward I
would get the ingredients in town while he was at the therapist and then I'd
teach him how to make it once he got back home. It swear it was like
Christmas day for him. His eyes lit up and he had the sweetest smile on his
face. It was sort of sad as well, because the simplest things made him happy.
With the radio on and the grocery store behind me, I was ripping off the end
of a fresh loaf of Italian bread when my father called.
"Bells? Where are you?" He sounded harried.
I took a bite of the bread, stuffing my mouth full. "I'm on my way home
from the grothery thore. Are you coming home for dinner? Edward and I are
making chicken parmethan." Little bits of crust flew from my mouth,
landing on the steering wheel. Thank God Edward wasn't there. He'd have a
frigging seizure and whip out his mini Dustbuster. Seriously...he kept one in
his car that plugged into his cigarette lighter.
Charlie made a sound that resembled a hiss. "Are you with him right now?"
"No," I replied skeptically, turning the radio off and swallowing my bread.
"He's at an appointment. Why?" What the hell?
He sighed. "Listen to me very carefully. Please don't ask questions. I
promise I will explain this in detail once you get here, but honey I want you
to go home, pack a bag with enough clothes for a week and bring your birth
certificate. You know where that is right?"
"Yeah Dad, it's in my desk drawer." I had needed it to register for school,
and kept it in an envelope with other important papers in my desk. "What the
heck is going on? You're scaring me."
There was the distinct sound of papers rustling in the background. He was
probably in his car. "It's nothing to be alarmed over. I just have an intense
case that I am working on and I need you here with me where I know you're
safe."
"Safe? Dad, I can go to Edward's house. I'm safe there with four men…"
"Bella!" he snapped, startling me. "Can you please just do what I ask
without giving me a hard time about it?" Damn it!"
"Jeez, Dad. Fine. I'll be there in like, four hours or so."
"Bella, no. I want you here in three and a half tops. Get your stuff together
and leave immediately, do you understand?"
"Yeah. I understand." The phone went dead. I turned the radio back up,
wondering what the hell that was all about. He actually had me scared
shitless. My father never got frazzled like that, even when he was on really
difficult cases when working at the precinct, and he never yelled or snapped
at me. A couple of times I remember hearing him yell at my mom heatedly
through the phone after we left Forks, but this was so out of character for
him. The only thing I could think of was that maybe there was maybe a
scorned husband getting revenge on my dad for outing his affair and he
made threats against his life or something… the thought was no short of
terrifying.
I pulled into my driveway and pressed the speed dial number one. During
the message I had left Edward telling him the deal with my father's strange
call, my low battery indicator signaled. After hastily putting the groceries
away, I took a peek out my front window looking for shady cars lurking on
the block, but there was nothing out of the ordinary.
In a record ten minutes my pink duffle was packed with like three weeks of
clothes, shoes and undergarments, just in case, and my makeup and all that
other crap was secure in another smaller bag. I had no idea what the hell was
going on, but I hated being unprepared. I locked up the house, pulled up
Maggie's saved address from the GPS and headed to Seattle.
I'd made it in three hours, twenty one minutes, sort of proud of myself and
my lead foot. Charlie met me outside Maggie's apartment to help with my
bags. He looked older somehow, worry lines marring his face. "Dad...please
tell me what's going on…I'm scared."
He sighed with definite distress while leading me up the stairs. I dropped my
bags into the guestroom, plugging my phone into the charger and then taking
a seat at the edge of the couch where he asked me to wait. He disappeared
into the master bedroom while I fidgeted nervously in anticipation. When he
returned my eyes shot straight to the edge of the gold envelope that was
jutting out from under his arm.
He placed the manila envelope gently on the coffee table in front of me,
giving me a cautious nod, which I took to understand that I should open it.
With a heavy heart and the strangest sense of impending doom, I slid out the
contents slowly, altogether apprehensive about what I might see. Quickly, I
thumbed through a bulky stack of eight by ten glossy photos and several
photocopied documents that sat beneath them. I swallowed, turning the first
photo horizontally so I could see the subject better.
My breath caught and I gasped loudly, slapping my hand over my mouth. It
was Esme, in her cream wool coat crossing the street while talking on her
cell phone. I looked up at my father questioningly as it dawned on me.
Oh my fucking God!
My heart began to race. "Dad? Is Esme having an affair?" Holy shit...was
the baby even Carlisle's? Oh, God this is going to kill him and the boys!
He sighed heavily, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees.
"Honey...I have an old friend, Max. He used to work at the precinct with me
years ago…big guy…mustache…" He looked at me expectantly, as though I
should know this Max guy. "We went to his house a lot when you were little,
they had a pool…" I flipped through another picture…Esme at her small
design shop in Port Angeles.
"Yeah, I remember," I said lying, gesturing with my hand for him to get on
with it.
"Well," he continued, "he has a pretty lucrative business here in Seattle as a
PI… he's actually the guy who trained me. Anyhow," he shook his head
knowing he could no longer stall. "Two weeks ago, he was contacted by a
woman from Manhattan who needed him to do surveillance on a woman
who worked in Port Angeles but lived in Forks. This woman… is obviously
Esme Cullen…"
I was entirely confused by who would be trailing Esme and what this had to
do with me. "Huh? I don't get it…" I muttered, flipping the page again…
Esme getting into her Jaguar… Esme having lunch with Carlisle at a café.
His eyebrows furrowed as he scratched his chin in thought. "Does the name
Gianna Masen sound familiar to you?"
I looked up, meeting his eyes. Swallowing against the newly formed lump in
my throat, I exhaled slowly, trying to maintain my breathing. Fuck.
"Noooo," I lied. Though I didn't exactly know who Gianna Masen was, I did
know who Edward Masen was and I assumed they were connected
somehow.
"Well, apparently Mrs. Masen's husband wrote out a very large check to
Esme Cullen, and Mrs. Masen, having never heard of this woman before,
was highly suspicious of it. So she hired Max to investigate. In the memo of
the check in question were the words, 'For Edward.' So, Max also went
ahead and did some surveillance on Edward Cullen as well." My father's lips
were pursed, calm cool and collected.
My vision suddenly went blurry, as I listened to my father's words and
flipped the pictures…Edward in the school parking lot…Edward leaving the
therapist's building…Edward buying cigarettes at the gas station…All of us
outside of the movie theater with Edward holding a cigarette to my lips…
Edward and me making out in that dark alleyway next to the Port Angeles
movie theater.
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
The pictures slid to the floor accidentally, as my trembling hand and knee
shook them off my lap. I bent to pick them up, but my father reached for
them first, placing them on to the coffee table.
With his concerned dad voice, he calmly asked, "Bella, honey. Your
relationship with Edward. Is it sexual?"
My heart thumped in my ears. I rubbed my perspiring palms on my jeans.
"Dad, no, we're not… we don't… No, it's not."
Not really.
He cleared his throat. "Has Edward ever…done something to you that you
didn't want him to?"
"Noooo…" Oh, God he fucking knows. "Never." I was going to ask why, but
in my aching heart, I already knew why he was inquiring.
"Bella, Max did some digging on the Cullens. Honey…I don't know how to
tell you this, but Edward has a very shady past. He has a history with drugs
and violence and well…" He sighed loudly, rubbing his forehead. I could
feel my lip quivering at thought that my father had stumbled upon this
information so readily; that Edward's secrets were not so private. I could
hear him keep his voice calm and measured, despite the capacity of what he
was saying…likely the result of all those years of having to tell people their
loved ones were dead in a gutter somewhere.
"He was accused of raping a girl in Chicago when he was fifteen. He
actually has a restraining order against him. He isn't allowed to touch female
minors. Bella…he's obviously been violating the order with you and you
need to tell me if he has done anything else to you. Has he touched you
anywhere inappropriate? I need you to be honest, Bella."
Tears sprang to my eyes, pooling heavily at the surface. "Dad, please tell me
you kept the pictures to yourself. Please tell me that neither of you have
gone to the authorities…"
"I haven't told anyone but you, Bella. It's not Max's job to do anything
further than what he's paid to do. But when he saw the photos, he recognized
your face from a recent picture he has seen in my office and with the
information about the rape, Bella… I'm so sorry, but you have to understand
that Edward is a criminal. He's dangerous."
I shook my head vehemently. "He's not, Dad. He's wonderful. This is all
crap," I spat, pointing to the messy stack of incriminating photos before me.
It hit me like a wave, crashing over me in a violent sudden storm. He
knew…he knew and he had photos, actual photos of Edward touching me,
blatantly violating the restraining order. Photos of him kissing me when I
provoked it…I was the one who enticed him into kissing in public. The
bitter taste of bile that came up my throat burned, making me nauseous and
on the verge of a full on panic attack. I inhaled deeply, doing my very best to
remain calm.
"I know it's hard to take in...believe me, I am furious about it. That family
has been deceiving us this whole time! I let Esme talk me into redoing my
house and you know, in hindsight I'm thinking it was a way of her trying to
make up for the loss of property value with a convicted sex offender living
on the block." He blinked rapidly, upon realization. "You spent an entire
week with them out of state! Holy shit!"
Yeah, as though they were a family of murdering rapists who kept teenage
girls as sex prisoners over Christmas vacation.
I stood abruptly, my knees jerking the table forward. The stack of photos and
papers slid all the way to the other side, scattering onto the floor. Charlie
bent forward, replacing the stack on the table, with the one picture of us
kissing happening to land right on top.
"Dad, stop it! He's not a convicted sex offender. There was never even a
trial. The judge slapped this on him, because the stupid girl's parents were
influential and…she lied about it. Her boyfriend hits her and she had sex
with Edward and blamed him for raping her so the boyfriend wouldn't get
into trouble. It's all a lie! And the Cullens are amazing people. Don't you
dare say a thing about any of them!" My voice screeched as I felt the tug of
anxiety tighten around my chest. The lump in my throat began to burn,
making me acutely aware of the hot tears that were now rolling down my
face.
My father's mouth fell open. His eyes hardened into slits and never left mine
as he rose, jabbing a finger at me. I could almost feel the room shake with
the rumble in his chest…like an oncoming freight train. "Wait a fucking
minute…" Charlie's teeth bared through his lips in an angry snarl. I watched
the purple vein in his temple pulse as it appeared prominently under the
surface of his skin.
"You KNEW about this? And you still chose to keep company with this
piece of garbage? Oh my God…What the hell were you thinking? Oh shit,
this is entirely my fault… What the hell do I expect? I'm never around, and
you're off running amuck with the neighborhood rapist!" He grabbed his
forehead groaning audibly, pacing the room.
"How dare you say that about him! You don't even know him!" I threw my
fists up, stamping my foot on the ground in a mini tantrum. It couldn't be
helped...I was fucking pissed.
"Oh, I know enough, and you are a innocent, naïve, way too trusting little
sixteen year old girl who he's convinced that he's innocent of a crime after he
is convicted! That little piece of shit has some set of balls coming into my
house and seducing my daughter. I bet it was fun for him to deceive a cop.
Maybe even a challenge?" He continued mumbling and cursing to himself.
Okay, now he is completely talking shit and losing it.
"I am not naive, Dad. How can you say that about me? You don't even know
me well enough to make a statement like that." I looked away, instantly
feeling bad about saying such a hurtful thing to him, even though it was
entirely true. I'd been there four months and we'd hade, like five
conversations.
Charlie snorted. "Yeah. Well it seems that your judgment and character
assessment is really shitty. Look at what happened with that friend of yours
in California. You trusted her and look what she did."
This had gone too far and I needed to nip it in the bud before it snowballed
to the point of no return. I stepped forward, grabbing my father's arm at the
elbow, halting his pacing.
"Dad, please listen to me. Edward told me the whole story as soon as he
knew he had feelings for me. He never once lied about it or pretended he
was someone he wasn't. But I know him. I know what a sweet, kind person
he is. And I believe with all of my heart that he is innocent. He could never
hurt a girl like that. He would never ever hurt me like that. Just please trust
me on this."
My father's face brightened and for a second, as the corners of his lips turned
into slight smile, I thought I saw a glimpse of acquiescence. "Your having
sex with him, aren't you?"
"No! We don't even touch." Hardly ever. "He's a perfect gentleman," I
defended; because he was, and I couldn't stand my father accusing him of
such terribly heinous things.
"Really, Bella? Because this looks like touching to me," he hissed scathingly,
picking up the picture of Edward and I kissing and shoving it in my face. It
was clearly evident from the shot that Edward's hands were pressed to the
wall behind me, not touching me at all. Even amongst the chaos and heated
emotion of the current situation, just a simple glimpse of the picture brought
an inappropriate tingle to my lower belly in memory.
"Dad, it was just that one time," I lied. Technically it was only like six times,
but really…six times in four months? Come on…
"Bullshit," he seethed through angry, gritted teeth. "This ends now. You are
not to speak to him or see him again. Is that understood? No daughter of
mine will be associated with a rapist, not now, not ever!" He rattled the
photo in front of my face for emphasis. I had never, ever in my life seen him
this angry before. It was frightening, in both the respects that the intensity
was so fervent as well as the fact that he was so adamant about his
malevolent feelings for Edward. My whole body shook with emotion and
fear and anger- the desire to punch him in the face besieged me.
"You are completely insane if you think you can stop me from seeing him,
Dad. We have almost all our classes together. He lives down the block for
God's sake. What am I supposed to do...keep my eyes closed all the time?" I
snickered acidly, wiping tears away from my face with the back of my hand.
He couldn't keep us apart no matter what he said. Everyone and everything
was trying to stand in our way, but no one could break us up, I was certain of
that.
"Well, we're registering you for school here in Seattle tomorrow, which is
exactly why I had you bring your birth certificate. I was thinking about
putting up the house for sale anyway, so it seems as though now would be
the perfect time."
It felt like I had been slapped across the face and punched in the stomach
and then while I was down, spit on repeatedly. With a shaky breath, I gritted
my teeth and spoke very slowly. "I. Am. Not. Leaving. Forks."
"Oh, yes you are," he said with a dark chuckle.
"No… I'm not," I shrugged my shoulders indifferently, chin held high while
trying to get back some of the control.
"It's either Seattle, or back with your mother in California. Those are your
choices, Bella. And the discussion is over."
"It's over? Its fucking over? That's right it's over! There's no way this is
fucking happening!" My chest heaved with fury and anxiety as I stormed off
to the guest bedroom, pulling my phone off the nightstand.
He called after me. "Isabella, you watch that language, do you understand?
You are not too old to put over my knee!"
Oh fuck that shit.
Little silver sparks peppered my vision, like confetti. I pressed the power
button on my cell, waiting impatiently for it to start up.
"You're actually calling him?" From behind, my father snatched the phone
right out of my hands. "I don't think so, Bella. Nice try." I whipped around
grabbing for the phone blindly through tears as he popped the battery case
off and shoved it in his back pocket. I stared at him incredulously, wanting
to rip his fucking throat out with a goddamn spoon. When he reached for my
car keys, I lunged for them, but he snatched them up quicker than I could. I
am pretty sure I gauged a nice chunk of skin off his hand in the process.
Good, fucker. Hope it gets infected and you die a slow agonizing death.
"I am dead serious about this, Bella. You will not see him again. Keep in
mind that I can make sure that happens." He shot me a pointed glance,
before turning to leave.
It took a second for what he had said to register. If he was thinking what I
was thinking…In order to ensure my compliance, all he had to do was
threaten to call the authorities with that picture and Edward would be in jail.
"You can't fucking do this, Dad! It's wrong. You're wrong!" He walked out of
the room shutting the door behind him. It almost surprised me that I didn't
hear the door lock from the outside, trapping me in, I mean, the fucker had
taken away everything else. I had never ever cursed in front of my father,
never mind directly to him in a heated fit. I had to blame Edward and his
brother's with their filthy mouths easily influencing me. I couldn't hold my
tongue, because I was so angry at him. I looked around for something to
throw, but the only thing I could find that wasn't breakable was a shoe at the
top of my bag. I tossed it angrily at the door, leaving a nice, black mark in its
wake and then gave him double middle fingers to solidify my point.
Bet Maggie makes you paint that tomorrow. I know how you love to paint.
Fucker.
As my blood pumped through my veins I could almost feel it boiling
beneath the surface. My hands shook and my body wracked with a sob. I
needed to get back to Edward. Needed to at least speak to him, to tell him
what was going on. He was probably worried by now that he hadn't heard
from me, and especially that my phone was dead.
Whipping the door back open, I spotted my father on his cell standing near
the small kitchen island and began screaming in a fit of rage. My voice was
hoarse and raspy, tears screaming down my face, but I screamed at him at
the top of my burning lungs. "Give me my goddamn keys, Dad!" I scanned
the room searching for my keychain. I couldn't see it anywhere.
He muttered into his phone, hitting the end button. "Bella, I already warned
you to not speak to me that way," he replied calmly. "This is for your benefit.
You are too young to make educated decisions on a person's character."
"Oh really? And you are too busy playing cop to see the truth. Do you think
I could fall in love with a dangerous person that would hurt me?"
"Excuse me? You love him?" he said seething, spitting out the words as if
they were seeping with venom. "My God, Bella!" he shook his head in
disbelief. "This is just fucking perfect. My teenage daughter is in love with
the town derelict…a goddamn violent sex offender with a restraining order
against him. Unbelievable." He leaned back against the counter top. "Don't
you understand? I am not doing this to hurt you. This is to protect you. All
the years I spent on the force, Bella I know criminal behavior. Once a rapist
has a taste, they always want it. It's the same with murderers and thieves."
It was obvious that I wasn't getting anywhere with him at this point. I was so
defeated and exhausted, I could barely breathe. "You don't know how he is
with me. He's so sweet and loving and protective…he would never let
anyone hurt me, least of all himself. Please. Let me at least call him to tell
him I am safe. I know he's worried about me."
"I see what a good influence he is on you too…fucking holding a cigarette to
your lips. Don't think that's gone unnoticed. Bella, I am telling you for the
last time. There will be no contact with Edward again. If I find out you even
so much as email him, I will take the photos to the police and have him
charged with violating the restraining order. And that will guarantee he'll be
staying away from you."
"I fucking hate you," I spat, lip trembling right along with my hands. I
remembered what Edward had told me about that boy who had received the
same sentence he had, and the results of violating the restraining order. "You
know what, Dad? If you turn him in, I get into trouble too. Is that what you
want? Oh wait… I bet it is…so that I would learn my lesson, right?"
Heading back toward the table, I snatched up the stack of papers and photos.
"That's okay, Honey. I don't expect you to like me very much right now.
Your mother sent you here so that you would be taken care of properly, and
as your father, I can not allow this relationship to continue, bottom line. I am
a man of my word Bella, in all respects." He gave me another point glance
obvious to remind me of the threats he made regarding Edward earlier.
"Do you realize what you're doing to me?" I screamed, tears streaming down
my cheeks as I clutched the 8 x 10's in my fist. "I love him and he loves me
and while everyone we know is screwing their brains out, we're the only
ones doing the right thing. Why can't I get any credit for that?" I took the
pictures between my fingers, in an attempt to tear the stack in half. It was too
thick to cause any damage.
"Bella, don't bother…Max has the originals…" I shut my eyes, dropping my
hands in defeat.
Of course, he has the originals.
"You know what? This came at a perfect time. Time to stop this before it was
too late, before you could go and get yourself knocked up, leaving me
responsible for another kid that I don't…" his voice trailed off as he shook
his head, his eyes shifting away from mine.
"What dad? Another kid that you don't want?" My voice cracked with the
betrayal I felt at the statement. I knew my mom had a hard time dealing with
her teen pregnancy, but I had always assumed my father had been the one to
convince her that they could make it work.
"No Bella. That's not what I meant. Shit…I meant that at sixteen, you can't
even imagine the responsibility of taking care of a child and the problems
having one causes."
"So I am a problem, am I? I can not begin to imagine how am I even a
burden to you! I shop for myself, cook for myself, I never ask for money or
rides, or…anything, but I am this huge problem all of a sudden, right? You're
never around, you have no idea what I do or don't do, and it was plainly
obvious that you weren't exactly receptive of me cramping your bachelor
lifestyle. Stop the doting father act. No one's buying it. I swear to God, I
just…I just fucking hate you right now." I felt my shoulders slumping
forward with the sobs that shook my body as I cried into my hand.
My father stepped closer, wrapping his arms around me but I pushed him
away angrily, pressing my empty palm to his chest. He staggered back a foot
or so stunned, as though he was seriously offended by my denunciation of
his affection.
"You have just destroyed my entire life. I hope that you are happy," I said
despondently, walking off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind me.
The vibrations actually caused one of the framed photos on the wall to fall
and shatter. I heard my father on the other side of the wall curse as he
cleaned up the broken glass, while I crawled onto the bed, curled into a ball
and sobbed. The incriminating picture stayed next to me, clutched in my
hand, keeping me anchored as my entire world fell apart around me.
I watched dusk turn into darkness outside the window, barely noticing the
time, or that I was cold and starved and uncomfortable in my clothing.
Beyond my bedroom door, the apartment stayed quiet, save for an
occasional dull indecipherable murmur of my father's voce on the phone, or
the rustling of papers. At one point, he poked his head in the door, asking if I
wanted dinner. I ignored him completely, staring into the spot on the wall
that my gaze had been fixed on for the past several hours. My entire body
felt like a numb, empty shell, and all of my thoughts were of Edward…
I tried to picture his beautiful face and the way the little lines gathered at the
corners of his eyes when he smiled at me. Through my memories, my eyes
traveled his jaw line and his cheekbones and his sideburns…how I loved
those sideburns so much. I thought about how his fingers looked when he
played the piano, long and lithe, how his eyes would shut in reverence, his
body swaying to the cadence of the notes. I allowed his voice to wrap itself
around me, warming me in place of the arms that couldn't offer an embrace.
My eyes burned from the relentless tears that continued to fall, and the
stinging grew worse when I tried to shut them. Once the tears had dried out,
I laid there immobile and deadened, and filled with sadness and disbelief.
I was forbidden to see or speak or have any correspondence to the person I
loved most in the world. It wasn't something I had ever considered
happening, nor was it something that I could have planned for, to take the
harshness away. My father was a man of his word…if I disobeyed him, there
would be consequences.
In that moment, I wanted to die.
Dear God,
Total fail, Dude. I can't even believe you right now.
Amen.
P.S. If you can be bothered to do anything for me right now, just give
Edward some peace of mind that I am okay.
Amen again.
It was late when I heard the door to the apartment close, obviously being
Maggie returning from the salon. Her and my father's voices were muddled
with what I only assumed was an explanation of what had happened.
A knock on the door barley registered, as I was lost in thoughts of Edward
and how the hell I was going to escape this bullshit. Light filtered into the
blackened bedroom, as the softness of her voice filled the air. "Bella? Are
you awake? Do you want to talk, Honey?" she asked sweetly. When I didn't
respond, she moved to the side of the bed, crouching so that she was eye
level with me.
"Can I get you something to eat?" Her hand caressed the side of my cheek,
spreading warmth and her heady perfume scent about me. I didn't know why,
but the affectionate touch and the caliber of her genuine concern brought the
emotions back to the surface again. A lone tear to slipped down my nose,
dripping onto the hand cradled underneath my face. I shook my head no, not
able to make eye contact with her when the light shifted, alerting me to my
father's presence at the doorway. Maggie looked up, kissed my head
caressing my hair again, and walked out shutting the door.
Their voices were hushed, but clear enough that I knew they were just
outside the door. "She's been in there for three hours staring at the wall, and
hasn't moved," my father said.
"Well, what do you expect? You just took hr entire life away without
warning. She's sixteen, Charlie. You're not even going to allow her to call,
him?"
"Hell no. I plan to tell that little shit myself. After I am done with that case
tomorrow afternoon, I'm driving back to Forks to have a word with him.
Don't expect me home until Thursday. Oh, and do you know of a good
realtor?" Their voices grew more difficult to hear, as they walked off down
the hall.
"Charlie, I think you should let her talk to him herself. She needs to say
goodbye." I couldn't hear my father's response.
~%~
The morning light filtering through the sheer cream curtains actually made
my yes burn deeper than they already had been. They felt as though they
were swollen shut, and I knew that I was going to be one hell of a wicked
sight to look at. I took a peek at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was just
after six in the morning. Edward would be showering right about then, no
doubt worried that I hadn't called after I told him I would. I hoped he had
slept well regardless, but I doubted his sleep was any restful than mine was.
My plan was to wait until Maggie and my dad were gone for the day, to see
if I could get on to Maggie's computer. If I could send Edward an email, that
would work, though I knew he wouldn't check it until after school. I needed
to warn him that my father was planning on unleashing his wrath on him. I
had to pee so badly though, it couldn't wait.
I could hear the shower running in Maggie's bathroom down the long hall.
Quickly peeking out the living room window, I looked for my father's truck,
which was no where to be found, so I assumed he had left for work already.
After I peed, I crept into Maggie's bedroom to scope out her laptop when I
spotted her cell in the front pocket of her purse.
Not having any idea how long Maggie would be occupied in the bathroom, I
pulled out the phone, flipped open the familiar screen and stared at the keys
blankly.
I had no clue what Edward's number was.
Or Alice's' or Rose's…or anyone's for that matter…they were all on speed
dial on my phone, so I never actually saw the number, just their name when I
called. Suddenly, the knowledge that I was trapped like a prisoner here, with
no way to communicate to the outside world, and no way to get to Edward
consumed me. And this thought, conjuring up awful memories of the prior
night, as well as the hollow ache that bore Edward's absence, brought the
tears back.
It was the feeling of being so helpless, so not in control of anything in my
life. My chest hurt terribly and my eyes stung with burning tears of defeat.
Sinking down onto the floor next to the bed, I held my hands in my face and
sobbed. It was just too much. Everything that had happened over the last
four months, all of the frustration and want, anticipation and anxiety had
finally come to a head. I had known ultimately, it was only a matter of time
that I would completely unravel, as I had felt it looming in the air or
something, like an apparition haunting me.
The anxiety slapped me in the face, its long fingers closing around my neck
constricting my airway. I struggled to breathe, fighting off the disconnection
that I felt when I went through an attack. It was like falling through thin ice
on a pond and being trapped underneath …I could see the light, but the
current took me away from the only means of getting to the surface. During
these attacks, it was terribly difficult to remember the rules…how to breathe,
focusing on something tangible, counting breaths, reminding myself that I
was not dying. But I tried to think of things that calmed me, however
Edward was the only thing that came to mind and it just made things more
difficult to focus on. I pictured his face just before he kissed me, smirking
and soft, eyes gently fluttering shut, his long lashes fanning out on his
cheeks.…and I was finally able to get myself to the point that I was back in
the present, breathing normally once again.
At that point, I didn't even care if Maggie caught me. I was certain, even
after her display of caring concern for me last night, her loyalty would
remain with Charlie. I didn't even bother to wipe away the tears that stained
my puffy, reddened face, because it was pointless. A few tears splashed
errantly onto Maggie's red cell phone, and when I tried to wipe them on the
jeans I had slept in last night, I accidentally popped that battery cover off.
Staring incredulously at the little disconnected battery for what felt like
hours, I narrowed my eyes at it scornfully. The idea hit me instantly and I
lunged off the floor sprinting to my room and picking my cell phone off the
floor where I had thrown it in anger last night. I had no idea if it would
work, but I knew I needed to try. Our cell phones were identical, except for
the color, so when I popped the battery in my phone and the black screen
beamed to life, I felt my body buckle to the floor in relief.
Edward answered on the second ring, his voice a mixture of relief,
frustration and anger. I could barely form a coherent sentence but I tried my
best to relay the information through sniffs and sobs and overwhelming joy
that I felt upon reaching Edward. Several times he asked me to repeat
myself, but I didn't have a lot of time to talk, because Maggie was sure to get
out of the shower any minute. When he said he was coming to get me I
panicked. It wasn't the best idea, as my father would be furious, and I was
terrified that he would make good on his threats to forward those
incriminating pictures of Edward to the authorities. But Edward said he had
an idea, and something made me trust him that we would be okay.
After I ran outside looking for the address, I quickly said good bye to him,
popping the borrowed battery out of my phone, heading to restore it back in
Maggie's. The shower was no longer running, but was replaced with the
drone of a hairdryer. I set the phone back in her bag exactly as I had found it
and crept quietly back to my room.
Maggie peeked her head in before she left for work, but I pretended to still
be asleep. She left without incident, save for leaving a note telling me to
make myself at home, eat whatever I wanted and that "Nexxus" was the
password to access her laptop if I should need it. I smiled, knowing that it
was her way of telling me I could contact Edward. Admittedly it was a relief
to know that I had some camaraderie in this with her I ate some cereal after
destroying the note, because I didn't want this to cause a rift between her and
Charlie. Maggie was really good to me, and I owed that much to her.
I had been dressed for three hours, anxiously waiting on the edge of the
couch for Edward to rescue me. Even though I had put ice on my eyes, I had
to use an overwhelming amount of under eye concealer to hide the puffiness
and bags. Edward knew how upset I had been, but I didn't want him to have
to look at my face and be reminded every ten seconds of the situation. I
began a semi- irate silent prayer to God again, but was interrupted by the
door bell.
With my heart racing wildly and stomach fluttering up a storm, I flew down
the stairs, flinging open the door to the landing. The sight of him standing
there brought tears to my eyes. It was similar to putting on a sweatshirt fresh
out of the dryer on a really cold night- it just warmed me, wrapping me in
comfort and love and security. It was the first time I realized that oddly,
despite all his issues, insecurities and limitations, Edward made me feel safe.
He smiled at me sadly, fidgeting in the doorway as he looked side to side,
clearly paranoid about being watched or followed. I noticed he'd left the
BMW idling right out front next to the curb. I wanted to throw my arms
around him in desperation and bury my face in his neck, but I was scared
and mistrustful as well.
He stepped tentatively in the foyer cocking his head to the side. "Hi, Baby."
I couldn't even respond to him, I was so choked up. He looked around again,
green eyes darting erratically about before stepping toward me. His hands
cradled my face gently, rubbing his thumbs along my jaw as he pressed his
forehead to mine breathing in.
He placed a soft kiss just at my hairline, whispering, "Don't cry. We're going
figure this out together, okay. Please don't cry. I'm going to fix this, I
promise."
I nodded, taking him in… the softness of his pea coat, the tiny blood spot
from a shaving nick on his neck, the way she smelled of cologne and powder
and cigarettes, the latter a tell tale sign that he was stressed because he had
been smoking in his car again. With a sob that caught in my throat, I felt my
knees collapse under the weight and the enormity of everything that had
happened between yesterday and the very present, and from the moment I
laid eyes on him and the last four months. It was too much for me to ingest
all at once and my physiological reaction to Edward's mere presence
solidified that I had been brought to the brink.
Edward's arms caught me at my lower back, cradling me gently as we sunk
to the floor together.
"He's going to turn you in, Edward… he's going to tell on you if I have any
contact with you." I sobbed quietly, burying my face in his neck. He was so
warm and soft and the feeling of his fingers stroking my hair and his palm
flattened against my back was incredibly soothing.
I was afraid. Afraid of what we had done, afraid for our future, if we even
had one together.
"Shhhh, Beautiful. I have an idea, okay? Do you trust me?" he asked softly,
swiping a strand of hair away from my face. I nodded, because I truly did
trust him implicitly. "Okay, then we have to get going now. Can you get your
things, or do you need help?" I shook my head no, rising off the floor and
brushing off my jeans.
Gripping the railing, I turned asking, "Did you bring my Xanax and my
spare car keys?"
"Yeah, but can you wait to take the Xanax for a few minutes, until we get on
the road?"
I nodded. "Where are we going?"
Edward pressed his lips together, responding evasively, "I'll tell you soon,
Love. Hurry before someone comes home," he smiled, talking to me in a
manner that one would address a three year old with. I gathered my things
quickly, handing my heaviest bag to Edward who was waiting on the top of
the stairs for me, not actually entering inside the apartment. He transferred
my bags into his trunk, where I noticed he had a few bags, as well as a few
garment bags hanging from the hooks in his rear seat. I didn't have enough
energy to acknowledge it aloud.
I had contemplated leaving a note, but truthfully, I was so angry at my
father's unwillingness to listen to me as well as his ignorance regarding the
situation, that I didn't feel I owed him the courtesy. Without a doubt in my
mind, my sudden disappearance from Charlie's imposed lockdown would
enrage him, sparking an onset of occurrences. He'd likely contact the
Cullen's first, then my mom, and maybe even the police, considering he was
so convinced that Edward was a dangerous criminal. But I couldn't allow
him to control me and take away my choices and everything that even meant
a damn to me, when he was barely a figure in my daily life.
Once in the car, Edward seemed terribly preoccupied and anxious, but with
good reason. I leaned back against the seat, enjoying the brief moment of
peace as he stroked my hand, while the sunshine streamed in from the open
sunroof. Every so often he would glance away from the road to give me a
small smile. I knew when he was anxious like that, not to push his buttons or
ask too many questions, because it interrupted his thoughts.
At a stoplight, Edward briefly touched his fingers to my cheek, whispering,
"You look so tired. You didn't sleep well last night." I shook my head, staring
at the darkened hollows underneath his own eyes as he added, "Me neither."
Edward hung a left, heading into the marina. There were very few boats in
the water, off season as it was, but the scenery was still enjoyable.
"Would you wait on the bench for me? I'll be right there," he asked with a
smile, as he opened my door. After making my way onto the pier alone, I sat
on the wooden bench overlooking the water quietly taking reverence in the
moment. It seemed to be the first calm that I had felt in nearly twenty four
hours, and it felt good, though my anxiety level was still high with the idea
of Charlie ruining our lives at any given moment.
It was really quite chilly on the water, but the sunshine had kept it bearable.
Wrapping my arms around my torso, I hugged myself, wishing I had gloves
with me. From my periphery, I watched Edward glide into my line of vision.
Clutching a small bouquet of pale pink tea roses wrapped in silk ribbon, he
suddenly knelt before me, placing one hand on the bench beside my thigh. I
gasped at the flowers, because he had never given me any before. It didn't
occur to me what he was actually doing until I leaned in to smell them,
noticing how his hands were trembling. And then his eyes suddenly met
mine, warm and terrified.
Holy shit.
"Bella…Love…um… this isn't at all how I imagined doing this, but …I…"
he exhaled, letting a smile flicker at the corner of his lips.
Holy shit.
"I don't have a ring, because what you mentioned was very specific…" he
rolled his eyes with a smirk, "and it would have to be custom made and we
just don't have that kind of time, but I promise to get you whatever you want
after…but…"
Holy shit.
"This is the only way we can get out of this…its the only plausible solution
and I know it's completely crazy and stupid, but I want you to know that I
love you…" He looked down shaking his head, "I fucking love you so much
and…I want you to be my wife. Would you be my wife, Bella? Will you
marry me?" His smiled faded as he blinked rapidly, anticipating my answer.
I couldn't feel my fingers or my toes, and I think my tongue went numb
about the same time too.
Holy shit.
So I nodded. A lot. And I smiled a big cheesy grin and Edward just blinked
questioningly until I blurted out, "Yes!" And then when we got in the car, we
hunched down low and kissed for a little while, lacing our fingers together
and laughing and smiling at the joy and relief we both felt.
And then it hit me. I pulled away from his open, wet mouth, wiping my lips
of his warmth. "Edward? How are we going to get married? We're only
sixteen and don't we need like, our parents to consent to this?"
He sat up in his seat, rubbing imaginary wrinkles from his coat. "Well, yeah.
Okay so…I did like a ridiculous amount of research and here's the deal. If
we go to Vegas, we can get married with our ID and birth certificates. You
have yours, right?" I nodded, vaguely remembering that in my hysterical
ramblings, I had told him about Charlie making me bring my birth certificate
to Seattle to register for school. I had never removed it from my duffle bag.
"All we need is one parent's consent. Once we get the consent, it takes
fifteen minutes to file the paperwork…no blood tests or anything are
necessary, and then they will marry us. The thing is, we can't go to one of
those little wedding chapels because we're underage and all underage
marriages have to be preformed at the um…" He twisted, reaching to pull
out a small spiral notebook from the stack on the floor of his back seat. He
flipped it open, thumbing through a few pages before finding the location.
"Regional Justice Center. But you don't want to get married by a cheesy
Elvis Presley impersonator, do you?" I shook my head no. "Good, me
neither. Okay, so the flight to Vegas is two hours and twenty two minutes
and I checked…there's a flight at 1:05, so we would arrive around three
thirty and by the time we get to our hotel and get ready, it will be like, five I
guess, and then…once they do the ceremony or whatever…Viola! We're
married." He said with a flourish, then shrugged his shoulders innocently
with a bright smile. I knew what that was alluding to…the honeymoon and
the sex that accompanied that.
My mouth hung open, and I think some drool even spilled onto my coat.
"I would have to fax over the paperwork to my attorney so he can file it with
the court and I am guessing that the restraining order is lifted immediately,
but I am not positive about that. I was too nervous to call and find out, so I
figured we'd wait until the ceremony was official and then I would start
figuring out what to do on the legal end. I don't even know if because the
pictures were taken before the marriage, if I can still get into trouble for it."
He licked his lips, sighing. Obviously, this was extremely trying on Edward
and I was wondering how he was handling all of this without falling apart at
the seams.
"I uh…stole some dresses from your closet. They were the only white ones I
could find, and I got some shoes too. Your closet is a fucking mess and I
really had to try hard not to organize that shit and I would have if I wasn't
pressed for time…so… but it's like in the high seventies in Vegas, so you're
going to have to buy some clothes when we get there. We can sty there, or
we can go somewhere else if you want. Are you going to speak at all any
time soon or did you have a mild stroke?" A grin spread across his face that
eventually shrunk into a smirk.
White dresses? Oh for the love of God, your timing sucks balls. With all the
praying I do, you'd think you would at least cut me a break!
"Um…E?" I cringed. "I got my period this morning…three days early."
Edward shut his eyes, pressing his forehead against the steering wheel,
banging it twice. He let out a low chuckle. "Of course you did. God is totally
fucking with us Bella. I am certain he's up three laughing his balls off at me
right now. The night I can rightfully be with the girl I love and he starts her
menstrual cycle three days early." Then he looked up to the ceiling shaking
his head, as though he were asking God WTF? The last thing I wanted to do
was spend my wedding night consummating my marriage with my period,
particularly knowing that Edward, anal and meticulous as he was, was
completely grossed out whenever I mentioned that I had my period. I knew
he would likely have strong objections to messy period sex. Or maybe he
would even be able to put his qualms aside for the occasion- after all, he was
the horniest person I had ever met.
"Menstrual cycle? Call it a period, okay? Ant Flo, monthly friend, on the
rag…anything but menstrual cycle."
Edward shuddered, muttering, "Fucking gross."
I sat back appalled. "You're going to be a doctor, Edward! You'll have to deal
with this stuff all the time."
"I'm going into sports medicine, not gynecology. Just stop talking about it,
okay?" He shuddered again, reiterating my point about being squeamish
regarding my monthly cycle.
"So…your mom and dad gave us permission to get married?" I asked
smiling at the thought that we had Carlisle and Esme's blessing, while tying
to change the subject.
Edward pursed his lips. "Uh, no…not exactly. They don't know I'm even
gone. I mean they will, when the school calls and then again when Charlie
shows up to kick my ass for running away with his daughter," he mused. I
looked at him expectantly.
"E, my mom is not going to grant consent for us to get married…that's the
last thing she would allow considering her issues with marrying my dad so
young!" I huffed, sitting back in my seat utterly disappointed. I mean yeah, it
was nuts to run off and get married at sixteen , but E was right. It really was
the only way we could do this. They literally left us no choice.
"I'm going to call Edward," he said simply, cupping his cheek in his palm. "I
mean, that's if he even answers the damn phone." I inhaled with a nod,
knowing how hard this would be for him to do.
"Are you sure about this E? I mean what if there's another way. I was
thinking about if I got emancipated, then I wouldn't have to follow my
father's rules and…"
"You need steady income and a place to live to become emancipated, Love.
That isn't an option. Look, it's fine. I'll call him…it's okay." He handed me a
business card tucked into the pocket of the notebook. I stared at it for a
minute or so, running my thumb over the raised lettering.
"He's in real estate?" My voice raised an octave.
Edward nodded absently. "He only sells Manhattan's exclusive properties.
You should see the website. His office building is…insane, so he's gotta be
making crazy money doing that stuff." He chewed on the inside of his
mouth.
"Are you going to call him now?"
"Yeah, I guess now's as good of a time as any."
Edward looked like he was going to shit himself, as I handed back the card. I
clasped his hand in mine, bringing it to my lips. "You're very brave."
"I wouldn't exactly say that," he mumbled, pulling his phone from his coat
pocket. I saw a cell phone store just down the block when we had passed,
figuring I could go replace the battery while he took care of the call. I
thought maybe I should give him some privacy, but then I didn't know if he
needed some moral support or something. He pressed the numbers into the
keypad and took a long, shaky inhale of breath. Clearing his throat, Edward
gave me a tiny smile before he began to gnaw on his lip nervously.
"I feel like I'm gonna fucking puke right now." I rubbed his hand gently with
my thumb to soothe him. He cringed. "Edward Masen please. Um…yes…
this is…his son."
~%~
Once we got to Sea –Tac and bought our tickets for the flight to Vegas,
Edward and I nervously sat amongst the other passengers waiting to board.
The conversation with his father, for lack of another appropriate title, went
both good and bad. Apparently, Esme had been lying to Edward all these
years maintaining that Edward Sr. was a deceitful manwhore who wanted
nothing to do with his illegitimate son. However, according to Edward Sr.
this was not actually the case. E was disturbed by this revelation and
needless to say, he had been quiet and brooding since the call. He fidgeted
with the buttons on his coat sleeves, alternately pursing his lips in
contemplation and absently biting the inside of his cheek while smiling at
me meekly every so often. It was unnerving, because I wasn't sure if he was
beginning to regret this whole thing. I'd asked him like nine times if he
wanted to back out and on the last time, he snapped at me irritatedly with a
definite no.
The good news was that Edward Sr. decided to grant us permission to marry,
by faxing something notarized over to the courthouse. Edward had all the
necessary documents in place, which by the way was a total pain in the ass.
Because he was adopted by Carlisle and had a different last name than the
consenting parent, he needed proof for this, and proof for that and it was all
kind of annoying, but he seemed to know what he was doing, even
considering he had taken extensive notes while driving.
Before we checked our luggage, I looked inside the garment bag he'd stolen
from my room, hoping he took the right dress, as I had a few stored in
various closets. I signed in relief, smiling as I saw right on top, was the
gorgeous white strapless dress my mom and I bought on a trip to San
Francisco, thinking it would have been perfect for the Sweet Sixteen party I
didn't end up having. I loved the dress and thought it ironic that I was using
it to get married in instead.
Edward decided to finally answer one of the many calls from Emmett, to at
least let him know he was okay. Unfortunately, while he was trying to be
vague and distract Em from the real situation, there was a loud boarding call
announcement that cued Emmett as to our whereabouts. He immediately
thought Edward was on his way to New York to see Edward Sr., but then
guessed in disbelief that we were indeed on our way to Vegas. Edward left
out the details as to how we ended up in this circumstance, but made
Emmett promise to not say anything until we called after the ceremony was
complete. Emmett gave us his blessing and his congratulations.
"I guarantee that Rose and Alice know within the hour."
"Fifteen minutes," Edward replied with a chuckle.
Edward and I split a Xanax once we boarded the plane, settling into the
spacious seats in first class. He wanted me to wait until after he proposed for
me to take it, so that I would be in my right mind when making that
decision. I thought that was pretty considerate of him, even if it was partially
in attempt to cover his own ass. But he was so silly about it. He obviously
had no concept of how deeply I loved him. I would run away with him,
marry him, let him sell me to a band of gypsies if he wanted me to.
Right before I dozed off, a thought occurred to me, evidence that I really
hadn't thought this thing through. I turned to look at Edward, now seemingly
calm as he thumbed through a GQ magazine.
"E? Where are we going to live?"
I wasn't even sure if he would want to live together and have a real marriage.
Maybe he thought just the marriage certificate would be enough to resolve
the legal issues as well as the shit with my father, and then we would go on
living exactly as we were, respectively in our own homes.
He blinked a few times, pursing his lips. "I'm not exactly sure. I thought that
if my parents were cool with this, then maybe we could stay upstairs in the
guest suite and they could turn my bedroom into the guest room. Or…I do
have that money from uh …Edward, so I was thinking about maybe buying
a small house. Your dad said he was selling right? You think he would give
us a fair price?" Edward snickered as I rolled my eyes, finally shutting them
as a relieved, peaceful sleep took over my emotionally ravaged body.
I imagined us living in our own house, cooking meals together, making love
every night after we did our homework, waking up in his arms every
morning, maybe showering together without the use of horribly chafing
loofahs as we got ready for homeroom…
Yeah, this was definitely going to be weird.
Edward woke me up when we were on the descent. We de boarded the plane
quickly, grabbing our luggage and a cab to the Four Seasons. Edward
thought that since it was one of the few hotels that didn't have a casino, it
was still elegant and well…it had a bed and a bathroom which was all either
of us was really concerned with. He said that if I wanted, we could head over
to the Venetian after the ceremony and ride a gondola, pretending we were
honeymooning in Italy. To be truthful, I didn't care about the lack of an
engagement ring, or the dress, or the honeymoon…I just wanted to be with
Edward, and I wanted him safe.
He had received several text messages from both Emmett and Jasper asking
where the hell he was, but Edward chose not to respond to them. He said he
would call everyone back when it was official.
Las Vegas was completely overwhelming. There was so much going on, I
didn't know where to look first. Edward looked out the window of the car
with the same astonishment I was feeling, occasionally pointing to
something that caught his eye. The hotels were mostly garish, tacky
buildings, which would no doubt be even worse at night when they were lit
up. We marveled at the street performers and the prostitutes, or girls that
simply looked like them, until we finally pulled up to the hotel.
Edward checked in, using his fake ID, and they graciously upgraded our
room to a suite because he mentioned he we were getting married. I bought a
camera in the gift shop and then we made dinner reservations at their best
restaurant, hoping that afterward, we would have a quiet night alone as a
legally married couple, doing what married couples did. I was so nervous
and anxious and unbelievable excited that even the Xanax, which still hadn't
worn off completely, couldn't stop me from bouncing on my toes. Edward
just laughed at me, seeming much less pissed off over the phone
conversation and the whole situation in general.
I showered first, shaving my legs thoroughly. Of course, while I was
showering, Edward shaved his face again while simultaneously organizing
my crap on the bathroom counter until it was neatly arranged to his liking.
Once he was inside the shower enclosure, I took a couple of peeks at him
while his eyes were closed, hair and hands full of suds as they scrubbed his
scalp. Edward was just…beautiful. I swear, I could stare at his ass all day
without ever getting bored. I thought about touching it, being able to finally
caress him, feel his skin and the way he would be pressed warmly against
my naked body, holding me, kissing me, inside of me…
I was so ready to be Mrs. Edward Cullen.
Mostly.
The bouquet of flowers Edward had given me earlier were still fresh, and
perfect for a bouquet. I cut some of the stems down, rewrapping the silk bow
around a smaller bunch of the roses.
I slipped on my dress, smoothing out the front, thanking God that it still fit
perfectly (Okay well, I didn't actually thank Him, because I was pissed at the
guy quite frankly, but I was grateful to any deity that would listen.)
The dress was simple, white with a slight pale pink hue, sweetheart top and a
billowy skirt that hit just below my knee. A ribbon sash adorned with a large
silk flower sat at the waist. It was a great dress, simple and classic, yet really
feminine. I didn't have a veil or anything, but I'd left my hair down in big
loose curls, because Edward liked it that way and I just wanted to look pretty
for him. I tucked one of the tiny roses into my hair, checking in the mirror to
see if it looked stupid.
After slipping on my shoes, I sat at the edge of the bed fidgeting impatiently,
waiting for Edward to finish getting dressed. I thought about taking another
Xanax to calm my nerves, but I really wanted to be alert for the night and at
the same time, I didn't want to become dependent on the drugs to keep me
sane.
Eventually, when I got bored, I grabbed my camera, taking a few pictures of
the sunset and then a few of myself with the timer before eventually
knocking on the bathroom door.
"E, the groom isn't supposed to take longer than the bride to get ready.
Something is very wrong here!"
"Go away. You're not supposed to see the groom before the wedding. It's bad
luck!" he laughed, his words muffled by the closed door between us.
I clicked my tongue rolling my eyes. "That's only for the bride… and I can't
imagine us having any worse luck then we already have."
"True, true. Come in if you must," he joked. I opened the door, my mouth
dropping in awe as he worked on the knot on his dark tie. His face was tilted
up toward the mirror, lips pursed in concentration. He was just…beautiful.
I gasped at the perfectly slim cut black suit that fit him like it was made for
him, which it in all probability was.
"You should wear a suit every single day," I marveled in awe. Edward
smirked, finally getting his tie the way he needed it. When he caught a
glimpse of me in the mirror, he smiled, pausing his hands at his throat.
"Love…look at you." He turned, meeting my gaze with soft, smiling eyes.
With a feather light touch, Edward swept his fingertips across my shoulder,
trailing them down my arm and clasping my hand in his so naturally, as
though he had been doing such things for months. He brought my hand to
his mouth, reverently kissing it.
"You are so...beautiful." He made a coiling motion above my head for me to
spin. I giggled, feeling light and beautiful and safe as I twirled about for him,
the flouncy hem of my dress lifting in the air.
"Look at how happy you are. I hope you'll always smile like this for me,"
Edward said softly, cocking his head to the side.
"You make me happy Edward. Despite everything…you make me happy and
I love you."
"You know, obviously neither of us is truly ready for this, and I am not an
idiot thinking it's all going to me like, rainbows and fucking sunshine when
all is said and done, but thank you. Just…thank you for putting up with me
and for sacrificing so much to be with me. I don't deserve you, but I am glad
your crazy enough to stick with me." He kissed my lips softly, evidently,
trying not to smear my lipstick. "And no offense but your father can kiss my
fuckawesomely fine ass if he thinks he's keeping me out of your life."
Once Edward had finished primping, and the hotel concierge insisted on
taking some photos of us in their gazebo, we climbed into a black town car,
courtesy of the hotel, headed to the Clark County Court building. The charge
in the car was palpable with nervous energy and excitement. People stared at
us as we emerged from the vehicle, smiling warily when they noticed that
we were obviously young.
Edward took one look at the building and turned pale as a ghost.
I stopped short at the steps. "E, we don't have to go through with this. I won't
be upset." That was a half lie. I mean, of course I would be upset, but I
understood wholly if he wanted to back out.
"No, I'm fine it's just…the court building. It makes me kind of nauseas."
Unfortunately, being in public, particularly in front of a place of law or
whatever, Edward would not come within a foot of me, so I couldn't even
hold his hand to soothe him.
It took a while to find the proper place, but after a few tries we ended up in
the Regional Justice Center, and began to fill out paperwork in order to get
married. Edward explained his end of the papers, with the faxed consent
from his biological father who's name was different from his own, and his
adoption papers and birth certificate all confusing enough but simply
explained. Once we handed in the forms, we were told to wait a few minutes
while the documents were processed.
He and I sat outside on a bench in the hallway, fidgeting and nervous like
teenagers about to get married. It seemed like an eternity that we sat there,
both releasing shaking breaths and laughing at each other. Admittedly, I was
feeling guilty about not having my mother here to witness this. Not that she
would approve or be at all happy about her daughter's underage nuptials, but
friends and family should rightfully attend my wedding. I hoped that maybe
one day, when this was all behind us and our families and friends had
accepted our marriage, that we could have a real ceremony and reception to
celebrate.
The big wooden door swung open, and the nice lady who took our
paperwork stepped out, her heels clicking on the tile. "Mr. Cullen, Ms.
Swan," she called authoritatively, not smiling when she made eye contact
with us. Edward gave me a smirk as we stood up together, crossing the
hallway and disappearing inside the room.
He leaned in whispering, "I love you," as the lady motioned for us to follow
her behind yet another set of doors. In her office, she asked us to sit in cushy
chairs across from her desk. With bright red fingernails tapping the edges of
a stack of paperwork, apparently all of ours, she sighed with a
condescending smile. Her gaze focused on Edward.
"Unfortunately, we have a bit of a discrepancy here. Your mother called."
~%~
It's okay if you hate me. I can take it.
***Donate at least $ 5.00 to Ms. Kathy's Help Haiti and get a giant
compilation of one shots and outtakes and cool stuff from your favorite
authors. I am contributing a High Anxiety outtake that is dark,
disturbing and creepy, but it's full of angst and smut and a very
voyeuristic EmoCantTouchward. Its sort of a threesome thing…well,
maybe more like a two and halfsome.***
Check out details here
http://mskathyff(dot)blogspot(dot)com/2010/01/haiti(dot)html?
zx=af67daf7708b89c8
Also, High Anxiety was nominated for some awards in the categories of
Best AH Alternative Universe, Best Emotional Breakdown & Best
Brother/Sister Sibling Moment. Here's the link to the site if you want to
vote or whatever.
http://forum(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/forum/CuriosityKilled_The_Cat/690
76/
~EBT~

So…the outtake went over well, no?

Again, sorry for the misunderstanding but thank you so much to all of
the Pm's I got supporting the story and just…thank you for your kind
words. They meant a lot to me…even the offer to shank some ornery
readers was close to my heart.
Very special thank you to Erika(Cravingtwilight), for betaing this; and
thank you to all the offers I received to proofread HA.
Becca, I pray for you and your family. My thoughts are with you. Be
strong, honey.
Suzy, as usual, you are amazing and your endurance to listen to me
ramble on about complete nonsense while my kids scream in the
background astounds me.
Girls on the thread…I love you all, I really do.
High Anxiety
Chapter 29~ Disappointment
Caught in the confines of the simple life
And I am...
Holding my head high in the rising tide
And I can't win
And I can't fight
I keep holding on too tight
Running away from the world outside
Now I am calling
Hoping you'll hear me
We all need somebody
To believe in something
And I won't fear this
When I am falling
We all need somebody
That can mend... These broken bones
Rev Theory~ Broken Bones
~Edward~
"Edward Masen please. Yeah, um…this is his son." My hand shook slightly
as it held the phone to my ear. I wanted to throw up. But I was in my car and
I wasn't about to damage the leather upholstery with the greasy burger I
downed at a fast food joint on the way over.
"O-oh…just a m-mo moment, please." Yeah, she was stuttering. His
secretary obviously wasn't aware he had an illegitimate teenage kid either. I
sort of felt bad about outing him at his place of business, but desperate times
called for desperate measures. And if you looked up desperate on Wikipedia,
you would get a pic of my face. Or my dick. Either or.
"Edward Masen speaking," he said clipped, but professional. His voice was
deeper than I imagined it. My heart beat in my throat, I felt really thirsty and
I had to switch the phone to my other ear because I was sweating so much.
"Uh, hello. This is uh…Edward." I glanced at Bella who was staring at me
intently, her hand stilled on one of the pages of my notebook of random
spontaneous teenage wedding in Vegas notes.
Silence.
"Hello?" I asked, thinking either he'd had a heart attack or he was trying to
find a quick escape route.
"Y-yes, hello…Edward." Really long pause. Like uncomfortably long.
"Sorry. How are you?" I could almost hear his heart beat through the
phone…the faltering in his voice proved that he was just as nervous as I
was.
"I'm okay. I'm sorry to bother you, but I sort of have a favor to ask and I was
wondering if you could help me." I cringed, thinking that this guy just sent
me a hundred grand and now I was asking for more from him, when clearly
he didn't want to be bothered with me.
"Did you have a problem cashing the check I sent? Of course… if you need
more money, that isn't an issue…" Oh...he thought I wanted more money.
"No, no. Thank you by the way. It was very generous of you." What the fuck
else was I going to say?
"Well, I've had quite a good year, despite the lagging economy, and well, I
know you'll be going off to college next year, so I wanted to uh…
contribute." He fished for that last word. I wondered why.
"Well thank you, it's great and I really appreciate it, but um…no. I actually
need a favor. Your wife is uh…Gianna?" I looked to Bella, confirming that
was the correct name because when she told me she was hysterical. Bella
nodded in agreement. This was so fucking awkward ratting out this guy's
wife.
His tone changed. "Yes? What about her?"
"Well, she actually hired a private detective to trail my mom and I … I think
she was suspicious of the check or whatever and …"
"Fuck," he whispered. I swallowed. He intimidated me. I had never even met
the man, and I honestly didn't understand why he unsettled me. "I'm sorry,"
he apologized, though I wasn't sure if it was for his foul language, or for the
fact that his own wife had no idea I existed. "I can't believe she would do
this," he mumbled. It sounded like a fist slamming on a desk or something. I
didn't know whether to elaborate, or apologize again, but I was still feeling
like a dumbass.
"So um…it's kind of a long story that I really don't have time to go into at
length but see, your wife's investigation included me…and some pictures
turned up of me kissing my girlfriend, Bella…" I smiled meekly at her next
to me. "I have sort of a legal issue that could get me into some serious
trouble for kissing her…and well, to make a long story short, we want to get
married and we need one parent's consent. I was hoping you could help us
out with that."
Way to sound verbose there, E.
"You're sixteen. You want to get married?" He paused. "Oh…she's
pregnant." He sighed audibly, likely thinking that I had inherited his
"knocking up the girlfriend gene."
"No, actually she's not. We're just in a predicament and well, we love each
other, and…would…would you help me?" I fucking squeaked at the end
there.
"Edward, I don't know. It's not that I don't want to. But I have no legal rights
over you and the agreement Esme and I have…I don't think I can do that."
Excuse me? "What agreement is that?"
"Well, I agreed that if you had ever tried to contact me I would notify her.
That's why when you came to New York last year…I couldn't…I wanted to
see you, but I wasn't able to get in touch with Esme right away. When I
finally got her on her cell, she asked me not to meet with you because you
were involved in…well, in that legal situation…and she thought you were
too emotionally unstable to be dealing with meeting me at the time. I'm
sorry, I thought you knew about this."
My heart began to pound harder than it had before. "No. I didn't know. So
then you know about my restraining order?" Yeah that wasn't embarrassing
or anything. He must be so proud. No wonder why he didn't tell his own
wife about his kid. And my mother? Emotionally unstable? Way to be
supportive, mom.
"Yes, I am so sorry you have to go through something like this. I offered to
help out any way I could, but she declined."
"So you talk to my mother on a regular basis?"
"Well, she emails me every few months and on occasion, we do speak
directly on the phone. Edward, your mom has been sending me pictures and
updates on you since you were two...since the paternity tests proved that you
were my child. Honestly, at first I really tried to not concern myself with
them, but…not that it's an excuse, but I was a very different person back
then. I was twenty, selfish and I was a year away from graduating Princeton
and…I met your mom on a Labor Day weekend trip to the coast. I didn't
know her, she didn't know me, we just…fooled around and then next thing I
know it's the fall, and she's tracking me down trying to pin her pregnancy on
me.
"Edward, forgive me, but…when you come from wealth such as my family
does, and well, your mom comes from a working class family…it's hard to
decipher who is genuine and who isn't just latching on to the cash. I assumed
she was using me as her ticket out of the small town life, and I was
mistrustful of her intentions. Plus…I had a girlfriend that I had cheated on
with your mom. God, I sound like such a letch…"
Stunned, I simply said, "Go on." Bella gazed at me quizzically. I shook my
head, indicating that I would tell her in a minute.
"After I received my MBA and got a job…I think you were around seven
years old then; I began to make my own money, and I had grown up so much
and well, I reevaluated my priorities. I contacted Esme to ask if I could see
you, and she said no, that it wasn't a good idea. She said that you had your
life intact with your step-father and step-brothers, not knowing anything
other than them, and she didn't want to disrupt your childhood or cause you
emotional trauma. I could have fought it in court, fought for rights and
custody, but truthfully…I knew she was right. I didn't trust myself at twenty
to be a parent and I certainly didn't trust your mother's intentions at the time
either. But as I matured, I knew that your mom knew what was best for you.
It was then that I realized how much I had lost by intentionally removing
myself from your life, and when I was ready to behave like a father, it was
simply too late. I asked her to continue to send pictures and to keep me in…"
There was an interruption in the background. His secretary was quietly
telling him that his clients were waiting. Edward told her he would be only a
minute or so.
"Edward…I'm so sorry. I have clients waiting and…Can I please call you
back? Is this your cell number? I'd really like to continue this conversation."
"Uh, yeah sure, but I am really pressed for time though. We have a flight to
catch in an hour and then well…a wedding to be at. Do you think that you
could fax something notarized over…?"
"Yes, of course. Give me the information." I took the notebook from Bella,
giving him the details of the necessary paperwork and the phone and fax
numbers of the courthouse. He told me that he would call me next week and
then apologized about a hundred more times for having to cut me off.
Bella grinned brightly, upon realization that we got the necessary
permission. She really was excited about this and well, I was glad because I
knew she was expecting a lot more when it came to her wedding day—not a
crappy proposal and a rushed ceremony, with period sex, and no honeymoon
or proper ring.
"Thank you," I said into the phone, utterly dumbfounded by what he had told
me, and grateful at the same time that he consented to the marriage.
"Your welcome, Edward. Congratulations, by the way. Your Mom sent
pictures of you from Christmas and your fiancée is beautiful. It was great
finally speaking to you. I wish you two the best of luck." He sounded really
sincere about it.
I thanked him again and hung up, rehashing all the details to Bella. "My
mom is totally fucked up, B. She's been telling me what a selfish jerk he is
all these years, and meanwhile, he actually wanted to get to know me and be
a part of my life. I don't understand why she wouldn't let him if he took
genuine interest. I mean…not that I think I would even have wanted to meet
him, but still. Don't you think she should have given me the option?" I asked
irritatedly as I pulled out on the main road toward the airport.
Bella shrugged her shoulders. "I'm sure she had a good reason. I mean…you
were what? Seven? You can't really make a decision like that so young."
"True," I conceded. "But still. Carlisle will always be my father and I can
understand her reasoning when I was little...but as I got older I should have
at least been given the option, or told the truth.
"I agree. But do you think he could be full of shit? Is he like…nice?"
"Yeah I guess he could be lying, but I didn't get the feeling that he was. He
seems nice. He wants to call me back to talk some more."
"Really? Wow, that's cool. You know, it seems to be the theme of the
day...our perfect parents being assholes and the people we thought would be
the last to stand by us doing exactly that."
I nodded and smiled at her, lost in thought.
~%~
We split a Xanax upon takeoff, and then once Bella fell asleep, I took
another half of a pill. Cause yeah… I was fucking getting married today.
I probably should have been shitting my pants over it, but honestly, I was
more anxious about getting to the court before Charlie found Bella was MIA
and put out an APB on her ass. And regardless of the fact that we had
nowhere to live, and would be the only couple at Forks high school taking
the SAT's at the same time we were filing joint taxes at the end of the fiscal
year, I really was prepared to be a good husband to Bella.
Okay… maybe prepared wasn't the most appropriate word, because I was
anything but prepared, but I was willing? Enthusiastic? Eager even? To do
right by her. It was fucked up, because it felt so much like I was using her in
the same manner an illegal alien would marry an American to stay in the
country. Only, I was marring Bella to not only get her father off our backs
(which I had a distinct feeling was going to do the exact opposite), but to get
me out of going to jail or whatever legal ramifications resulted from the
scandalous photos of my indiscretions. Oh yeah, and for the fact that our
nuptials would allow me freedom…sweet, sweet freedom.
Bottom line was that I loved her with my entire heart and soul, and that I had
full intentions of being a good and worthy husband to her…even if I had no
idea what that job entailed.
When I stood beside my beautiful girl all done up in her sweet pinkish white
dress, thinking about what the fuck we were actually doing, it didn't even
make me anxious. I realized that even though I was a kid, with no job, no
steady means of providing for her, no place to live…I wanted this. I wanted
to wake up next to her every day, my morning wood poking into her back,
and I wanted to do like, house work and shit with her…. I pictured us
folding laundry together and of course, when she was done, I'd go and refold
all the stuff she did, but still…. We'd cook meals together, laughing and
flirting, and we'd even have parties at our house or apartment or whatever
and I don't know…maybe I was just dreaming about this shit because I was
growing a mangina not having gotten laid in so long.
Oh and speaking of…the day I can legally be intimate with my girlfriend,
she gets her period. I mean what the fuck is that?
Bella once told me that her Italian neighbor, when she lived in New York,
was like a witch woman. People who had really unfortunate spells of luck
would come to her so that she could remove the curse, or the evil eye, or
whatever the fuck they labeled it. She would put drops of olive oil in water
and then say some magic words and the evil curse went away. B said I
should go see one of those women, because she thought for sure I had a Mal
Occhio on me. I laughed at her at the time, but I was honestly starting to
believe that someone out there had like an Edward Cullen Voodoo doll and
was fucking with my Karma, sticking needles in me at every turn. If all it
would take was some oil and water, well, damn…I'd find the closest salad
bar and start pouring the shit all over me if I thought it would help any. But
knowing my dumb luck, someone would slip and fall and sue the fuck out of
me.
It just didn't make any sense that I would be subjected to all this shit. Bella
thought that I was getting all my bad experiences out in the beginning of life
as opposed to having it spread around like a normal person. I didn't believe
that either, because the shit I was facing was goddamn excessive.
When the courthouse lady called us into her office, honestly, I thought she
was just going to have us sign some more papers or something and then take
us to the person that was going to perform the ceremony. But no…my
fucking mother called.
Worst cockblock ever.
Apparently, she had ratted us out in that Edward Masen was not a custodial
parent, therefore negating the approval which she and Bella's dad absolutely
did not consent to. Motherfuckers.
Insert needle into the Voodoo Edward doll…right in the mother fucking
heart. However, I never thought my mom would be the pin pusher.
After a string of colorful expletives and a small tantrum on my part, Bella
and I found ourselves sitting on the courthouse stairs staring despondently at
the swirling pink and orange hues of the sunset battling with the twinkling
lights of the Vegas strip. With her bouquet still clutched in her hand, she
picked at the petals of the flowers, slowly pulling them off the buds one by
one and flicking them onto the sidewalk. I was so fucking pissed, I couldn't
speak. I was so fucking ashamed and defeated, I couldn't look at her. She
said nothing to me, because really, what could she even say at that point?
I smoked a cigarette while intermittently biting my nails ragged. I knew I
was fucked royally. Not only did I fail at marrying Bella, my one way out of
this fuckery, but her father was going to fry my fucking ass the second I got
off that airplane. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a throng of uniformed
officers waiting for me.
Silence and defeat hung heavily in the air around us as we knew that tonight
was likely the last time we saw each other. Either she was going back to her
mother's in California, or I was going away to Juvie…maybe even real jail. I
couldn't even bring myself to think about that. I had already been holding
back tears of disappointment and emotional exhaustion, the mass in my
throat prominent.
"We're in a shitload of trouble, aren't we?" she asked, in a very small voice,
looking terribly young and tiny in her dress spread around her.
I nodded, blowing a puff of smoke over Bella's head. She took the cigarette
from me. "Honest?" I asked, wanting to know if she really wanted to hear
the truth or a watered down version, which I would have been happy to have
given.
"Always."
"Yeah, we're fucked. Right about now, you are considered officially
kidnapped."
She nodded, pursing her lips and exhaling a very shaky breath of gray
smoke. "We should call someone just so that they know we're okay."
"Who?" I snickered darkly, staring at my phone. I had shut it off inside the
courthouse, finding seventeen missed calls and another thirty or so missed
texts when I turned it back on afterward. Most of them were from my mom,
which started out worried and then ended up screaming and furious.
Edward Sr. left a message telling me my mother called him when Charlie
apparently came raging into the house, after no one could find either Bella or
me for hours, and that he was obligated to tell her the truth of our
conversation and our whereabouts. She initially called him, thinking that
maybe we ran away to New York or something, which is funny, because for
the life of me, I couldn't figure out why she would think I would seek refuge
with a man who she had repeatedly painted as the asshole. But maybe it was
because I went there last time…but that was an entirely different situation,
and I wasn't exactly in my right mind or intentional.
I was certain it was Em or Jasper who had ratted us out, but I didn't hold a
grudge against Edward for being honest with my mom. I suppose that
showed his character wasn't nearly flawed as much as she made it out to be.
I felt like we had no allies in this except for my brothers and their
girlfriends, and they were of no help to us. But I knew Bella wanted to call
someone. Handing the phone to her, I said, "Do you want to call your
mom?"
She shook her head yes, whispering, "Later. Can we just go now?"
With useless paperwork in hand, a plucked over bouquet and very heavy
hearts, we took a cab back to the hotel. The staff greeted us cheerfully as we
passed the reception area, but they quickly adjusted their expressions upon
understanding our despondence. Neither of us were up for an elaborate
celebratory dinner at that point, obviously having nothing to commemorate
but the inordinate amount of disappointment that accompanied knowing me.
After I quietly cancelled the dinner reservations we had made earlier, we
headed up to our room avoiding curious glances from well-wishers wanting
to congratulate the oh so unhappy couple. The anxious look on Bella's face
proved that she would rather have slithered into the fucking floorboards than
have to endure the scrutinizing stares of nosey strangers. I watched as she
pulled the pink rose from her hair, crushing it in her hands, as though the
removal of it would make her look less obviously like a bride. A few people
congratulated us, and not knowing how else to respond I simply replied in
thanks. It was wholly embarrassing, and did nothing but make me want to
hit a cheerful motherfucker.
Once back in our room, Bella rooted through her bag before disappearing
inside the bathroom. I hung my suit jacket in the closet, removing my tie and
white dress shirt, wishing I had a big fat joint and a bottle of anything that
burned on the way down…anything to numb the pain and ease the anxiety of
not knowing what the return to Forks would bring. Anything to just sate the
nagging wretched feeling in my gut that would ultimately tear Bella and I
away from each other. God I was fucked and I knew it, and I couldn't do a
goddamn thing about it. I sent Emmett a text, knowing I could trust him to
relay the info to my mom and dad…and subsequently Charlie.
Tell them we'll be home 2 morrow night. Still single.
He responded quickly:
Fuck dude, you are in some deep shit. Sorry about the wedding.
Yeah, no shit. Not as sorry as I am.
I turned off my phone again, not wanting to talk to anyone or face reality. I
did know, that I wasn't about to speak to Charlie if he called looking for
Bella, that was for fucking certain. My palm scrubbed over my face in sheer
dejection and disappointment. I honestly don't think I had ever felt so
hopeless and afraid in my life. The morning that I sat in the judges chambers
and left with a restraining order came close, but this time, I had dragged
Bella along with me, and I knew damn well she was feeling just as glum and
frightened as I was. Having her feel that because of me exacerbated the
situation to a million times worse.
"Baby, do you want dinner?" I asked, knocking softly on the bathroom door.
She opened it, nodding minutely with her bottom lip caught between her
teeth, which I knew then she was holding back tears. I wanted to tell her to
just fucking cry already, but I didn't dare. I wanted her to know it was okay
to cry over it, that she could be angry and blame me for the shitstorm I
caused her life to be. Because she would never blame me for any of it.
Bella stepped out in shorts and a snug tee shirt, her beautiful curls all
smooshed up on top of her head, makeup thoroughly washed off…a
testament that our wedding had been officially terminated.
"You okay?" I asked, completely afraid of the answer she might give. She
nodded, offering me a watery smile. She hadn't said a fucking word to me
since we got back to the room, and though I understood why, it frustrated me
because she definitely seemed like she needed to talk to someone. I guess
that someone wasn't me.
"Baby, if you want to talk to Alice or Rose, you know you can use my
phone, right?" I asked.
She nodded, whispering, "I know, thanks. I'm just not really in the mood to
talk right now."
As she hung her dress in the closet, I felt her sadness emanating through her
slow, deliberate motions, through her sulking posture. She brushed the
wrinkles from the skirt of her dress almost as if she were wiping away her
disappointment. I knew she had wanted this too. I knew she was looking
forward to finding a solution to the shit we were going through and I fucking
knew that I promised her I would fix it….
But there was nothing I could do to make this better…nothing I could to take
her sadness away. And that, out of all the things that had happened over the
last day…the betrayal from my mother, Charlie finding about my history, the
cockblocked wedding, talking to my biological father for the first time,
kidnapping Bella…knowing that I was responsible for yet another round of
sadness for Bella was the very worst part.
It was breaking me inside.
We ordered room service and turned on the television, though neither of us
was entirely hungry or interested in watching anything. The noise was better
than the silence that weighed like a giant fucking elephant in the room. I felt
like at any moment she was going to crack and lose it, and then I in turn
wouldn't be far behind. I just wished I knew what the fuck to say to her.
We ate in silence at our little table, the only sounds were the occasional
clinking of silverware and the muffled murmur of the TV. I pushed the food
around on my plate, feeling nauseated, watching Bella as she basically did
the same thing. I wanted to shove the shit aside and take her into my arms
and promise her that it would be okay, but that would be bullshit and we
both knew it. I couldn't...wouldn't lie to her.
We both looked up at the door when a quick knock and then subsequent
handle jiggle startled us. I stood, striding to the door, only remembering the
provisions I had ordered when the porter stood before me apologizing. He
pushed the small cart that held a bottle of ridiculously expensive champagne
and two glasses, a large plate of chocolate dipped strawberries and a huge
crystal of blood red rose petals, in which I had arranged for them to be
strewn over the bed in anticipation of our wedding night while we were at
dinner. I had seen it done in a movie once and thought it would be romantic.
It did nothing but make the situation a thousand times worse.
After handing the guy a twenty, he seemed to sense my ire and hurriedly
strode off apologetically while I shut the door staring at the cart. It was a
good thing he hauled ass out of there because the urge to fucking hit
something or someone was forefront in my mind.
"Edward…" she said softly from across the room. I broke my gaze away
from the four hundred dollar bottle of Dom Pérignon we were supposed to
be drinking, and the mammoth strawberries I was supposed to be sensually
feeding her, and the fucking rose petals that were supposed to be sprinkled
underneath our naked bodies…and my eyes met hers—infuriated green
burning into frightened brown. The sight of her sitting at the table, on our
theoretical wedding night, looking the opposite of how she'd looked just
hours prior…hands wringing in her lap, lip stuck between her teeth fucking
incensed me.
This was not the way it was supposed to happen.
This was not supposed to be my fucking life.
My fingers gripped the edge of the heavy crystal bowl and without thinking
of the immediate or the long term consequences, I screamed,
"Motherfucking fuck!" and I hurled it against the wall opposite the bed with
the force of the pitcher I once was. The glass shattered in an astonishing
manner, blood red petals littering the furniture and floor. A gaping hole in
the sheetrock remained where the glass collided with it, and I didn't give a
second though to the monetary charges that would incur as a result of my
temper.
Bella jumped and screamed, clapping her hand over her mouth, completely
astounded. I was pretty fucking shocked too and ashamed…so ashamed of
my inability to just fucking hold it together for longer than Bella. What was
left of my quickly waning masculinity, needed Bella to lose it first so I could
be the one to comfort her….
Quickly, I crossed the room barely making it to the balcony with weakened
knees, shaking hands unlocking the latch. Bella shouldn't have seen me this
way.
Outside, the air was warm and thick with humidity, and it should have
offered comfort from the chilled atmosphere of the room, but it didn't. My
back pressed flush against the stucco wall, I slid down to the warm tile floor,
feeling the sting of the textured surface burn my skin as it scraped beneath
the under shirt that had ridden up. I brought my knees to my chest and
buried my face in my hands, letting long awaited tears to expel. And I
sobbed like a fucking girl, embarrassed that Bella could hear me. I didn't
want her to know how weak all of this had made me…how pathetic I had
become.
I hadn't even realized I was doing it, but the involuntary rocking motion was
sort of soothing. Bella was then crouched before me, prying my hands from
my face, frantic to get me to look at her. I couldn't look in her eyes, because
I knew behind them would be tears that mirrored my own, tears that I had
caused and pain that I wouldn't be able to mend.
She clambered onto my lap, straddling me as her arms wrapped around my
torso. I clung to her as though my life depended on it. In a lot of ways...it
actually did.
"Edward…shhh," she whispered, rocking with me, arms so tight around me
they were almost suffocating. Her face was hot and wet and her voice shook
with the rasp of emotional exhaustion. I could smell her perfume and
shampoo and a slight hint of the rose she had tucked in her hair earlier.
"Baby…I'm so fucking scared. And I love you so fucking much. And I'm so
…fucking…sorry." Her skin was warm and soft as it brushed against my
cheek.
"I love you Edward…I'm scared too."
I was glad she didn't tell me it would be okay when she knew it wouldn't,
just as I wouldn't do that to her. A false sense of security or hope were the
last things either of us needed at the moment. We stayed like that for a while,
locked in a rocking tearful embrace, until her thumb traced the line of my
jaw and I had to close my eyes as the feeling of it stirred things
inappropriately. Her lips met the apple of my cheek, then the other and
repeated the kiss gently over each closed eyelid. Ever so softly, she kissed
my forehead and the tip of my nose, my chin, and lastly my lips. I tasted the
salt of my own tears on her mouth, and I was disgusted.
"I Love you," she whispered, sniffling.
"I love you beautiful girl," I managed to whisper back through a choked sob.
Bella's fingers ran through my hair as I settled my cheek on her shoulder,
holding her waist in my hands. I breathed her in deeply, trying to make sure
to remember the little things like the way she smelled and the way her skin
felt as I traced circles under her shirt. Bella shifted forward in an attempt to
move the foot that was stuck underneath her, causing a severe effect on my
groin. Even through the dismay and anguish we were both experiencing, my
dick managed to find a way to get out from under the darkness finding
sunshine in the form of Bella's unassuming crotch.
I hardened quickly from the heat and friction from her unintentional rubbing.
Bella gasped lightly when she realized what her actions had done. Her
mouth hung open, mirroring mine, both of our eyes wide in surprise. We had
never been this close before…this intimate, even though we had been
completely naked with each other, the touching, the caressing made all the
difference. I could feel the thumping in my chest quicken and my breath
catch when she purposely ground her hips down on me again…hard.
She whispered, "Oooh," breathily against my mouth.
Fuck. Fuuuuucccccckkkkkkkk.
I breathed out in a heated whoosh, my face still damp with tears. Her tongue
lingered at my lips, asking permission to enter, which I gladly gave by
touching her tongue with mine. Our mouths collided, warm and wet and she
tasted like lemons and she was fucking delicious. Bella pressed against me
again, and the heat from her pussy concentrated on my dick was fucking
extraordinary. I cupped her ass cheeks in both of my hands, greedy and
wanton, squeezing them both and assisting her movement when her hips
pushed forth once again.
The paranoia left from the date rape accusation made me feel like I should
say something to her…ask her if she was sure this was okay, but who the
fuck was I kidding? I knew she wanted it as badly as I did. It was plainly
obvious.
Bella whimpered softly against my mouth as her hands made their way
under my shirt sliding up the planes of my stomach to my nipples. I gasped
and grunted when her thumbs fanned over them and she tugged on the ring. I
hissed at the sensation, sensitive skin sparking sensations in my cock that I
hadn't ever experienced before. If I hadn't undergone such a traumatic night,
I probably would have blown my load right there. She tugged my shirt off,
tossing it aside, then ran her hands up the sides of my arms to my shoulders.
Bella's mouth moved with mine, tongues twisting and tasting, hands groping
and caressing and finally fucking feeling. My fingers felt like they were
brand new…experiencing the touch of a woman for the first time. Bella's
skin was warm and soft and fucking perfect in every way imaginable.
I slid my fingers tentatively under Bella's shirt, making my way up her
stomach, over the slight ridges of her ribs finally cupping her bare breasts. I
was amazed how fucking soft they were and how they perfectly fit in my
hand. She pulled away from me, gasping with wide eyes. I questioned her
response with a lick of my lips, but whimpered when she pulled her top off
all together, her tits staring me right in the face. I bucked my hips into her
this time, meeting her weight as she bore down.
God, I wanted to scream and cry and cum my fucking face off she felt so
good.
My hands skimmed her neck and shoulders and then her nipple was in my
mouth and her head was thrown back giving me access to her neck which I
devoured between licks and sucks of her breasts. And she was moaning and
panting and shaking and fucking grinding…and her whole body was tense
and her fingernails dug into my biceps as she came…loudly.
Bella rested her head on my shoulder as she came down, quietly slowing her
breathing. I kissed her generously, on her face and in her hair, holding her to
me, warm bare breasts to my naked torso, savoring the moment and feeling
her skin and heat and the way she felt sitting directly on my throbbing cock.
Eventually, she pulled away from me, climbing off with a hiss, as her legs
must have been aching underneath her. She stood, picking up our cast away
shirts and offered me both of her hands. I looked up at her questioningly, my
dick still uncomfortably hard.
"Edward…I want to make you feel good…."
Not knowing what specifically she meant by that, but entirely eager to find
out I reached out accepting her hands in mine, allowing her to help me up. I
trailed behind her as she led me to the bed, gently pushing me on it. I felt
myself trembling with anticipation while I scooted back toward the pillows.
Watching intently as she moved about the room, topless and graceful, Bella
clicked all the lights off, but the lamp on the desk across the room leaving a
soft glow. And then she slid onto the bed with me, shimmying herself so that
her body was flush with mine as we lay on our sides facing each other.
I traced her lips with my thumb. She whispered, "I love you," against my
finger. Kissing her mouth passionately, I cradled her head gently in my hand,
running my fingers down her spine, dipping them into the back of her shorts.
She moaned and pushed into me again, and then she gasped as I lifted her
knee over my hip, grinding into her again. She was hot down there, I mean
really hot…and for a moment I wondered if it was okay, considering her
womanly physical state or whatever.
But those thoughts were immediately sidetracked when she lifted her face,
burying it in my neck and then her teeth…her teeth skimmed my jaw and
nipped my chin and moved to my earlobe where she just fucking licked, and
sucked, and dragged her teeth over the skin. I had never felt such pleasure
before, honest, raw pleasure and all of it…the grinding and the licking and
the way her breasts felt, nipples taught and erect as they mashed against my
chest was motherfucking divine.
But then…with her tongue back in my mouth, her hands slowly trailed down
my stomach and she palmed my dick though my pants. I moaned into her
mouth, breaking away from the kiss because she began to unfasten the
button on my pants. I was dying to feel her hands on my cock so badly, that I
was practically shaking with fucking glee. Once she got them open, she
pulled them down, pulling my dick out of my boxer briefs. I had so much
precum leaking from the head that I was sure it looked like I pissed myself.
Bella gripped it tightly in her hands, stroking upwards against her belly. I
was so fucking hard it was painful and I really, really needed to come. She
squeezed a bit too hard in her enthusiasm and I flinched, but still finding
pleasure in the pain. I wondered if that was even normal.
My eyes shut on their own volition as I rolled onto my back and let her do
whatever the fuck she wanted to do to me. I must have sounded like I was in
pain, because I moaned non stop at her firm touch and the feeling of
something other than my own hand. My dick definitely recognized that it
wasn't my own. I swear if he had known he might have put on a bow tie for
the occasion.
She got up on her knees, slipping her hands into the waist band of my
underwear, pulling them down slowly. Shivering slightly, I sat up a bit
staring as she slid them off. I gaped at her, all wide eyed and shit, wondering
exactly what the fuck she was doing and then had my question promptly
answered as she lowered her mouth to my belly button. She kissed me
softly; trailing kisses down my stomach, painfully slow and soft and unnng
fuck…until she reached the head of my dick.
Please…oh pretty, pretty please…with sugar on top and a fucking cherry…
maybe some Cool-whip….
When her tongue met the base of my cock I jumped. Propped up on my
elbows, I watched in awe as she trailed a long wet line from the base to tip
and then she kissed it gently. Her tongue darted out, pink and perfect,
swirling around the swollen head.
Oh God…maybe you don't fucking hate me….
And then…I stilled, gripping the bedspread in anticipation just as Bella met
my gaze. She glanced at my dick, then back at me and she gave me a tiny
smirk...the first glimpse of a smile I had seen from her in fucking four hours.
As she licked her lips, she lowered her head down and took me inside of her
mouth.
"Arrrrrhhhhhgggggg…Oh my fucking God!"
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry…the sensation was fucking
magnificent. It was hot and wet and suction and pleasure… Her hands
moved in perfect synch with her mouth, creating a rhythm of gentle pumping
and sucking. I wanted to tell her to curl her lips inward and suck a little
harder, but who the fuck was I to complain? She was doing a fucktastic job.
At some point, she even cupped my balls in her little hand, rolling the shit
around and I narrowed my eyes at her, wondering where she had learned that
technique knowing she had very little experience with guys. The thought
quickly faded when she grazed the head with her teeth on the way up and
glanced at me for a reaction.
Yes, that's fucking amazing. More please.
And here's the thing. I wanted to be all chivalrous and gentlemanly and tell
her to stop immediately. I wanted to gently push her away because I didn't
feel that she should be doing something so depraved, particularly when I
couldn't reciprocate. I wanted to tell her to wait until it was legally allowable
so she wouldn't feel guilty.
Only I didn't fucking want her to stop. I shut my fucking mouth and let her
suck me off, because she was my girl and she loved me, and I fucking loved
her, and it was right and it was beautiful, and it was supposed to be our
fucking wedding night, and I needed this so badly…and mother fucking
fuck…I was a selfish bastard.
A heated coil of pleasure vibrated through my groin straight to my balls and
then spread quickly through the shaft and I was done for.
"I'm gonna come…right now baby," I spat, my shoulders rising off the bed
in anticipation of having to catch my shit when she pulled off me. But she
continued to suck and move faster with her hand which I understood as her
silently telling me she wasn't going anywhere. And as I came into her mouth
in three thick spurts and a long groan, my back arched off the bed and tears
of relief and utter ecstasy rolled from the corner of my eyes.
She fucking swallowed.
God loves me after all.
When she pulled off me, I covered my tearful eyes with my arm, once again
shielding the embarrassing emotional mess that I was from her. She crawled
next to me concerned, but I whispered reassurance that I was fine...just
completely fucking overwhelmed by everything and I thanked her
wholeheartedly for all that she had done for me. For the pleasure, for the
trust, for the faith in me and for the love she gave me...though at the
moment, I felt as though I deserved none of it.
I held her in my arms, under the safety of the covers, kissing intermittently
with gentle touching and exploring, sweet whispers of love and adoration
and promises we knew neither of us had any right to make. I took every
minute of that night to hold her, feel her, love her until sleep eventually
claimed us both…and I savored every goddamn minute of that shit because I
had no idea if or when we would ever get the opportunity to do so again, and
that terrified the crap out of me.
~%~
We left Las Vegas that afternoon, neither of us saying much other than
whispered I love you's. We took every single opportunity in that hotel room
to touch and kiss and feel and be, while still keeping Bella's virginity intact.
Once we closed the door, we knew we would have to face the consequences
of what we had done. It was too much to bear for the both of us, knowing
that once we got off the plane, we would most likely be separated
indefinitely. The weight amongst us was palpable and depressing…and my
head hurt like a motherfucker as I hadn't cried so much in my entire fucking
life. I was just spent. Emotionally and physically exhausted, torn apart by
love and cruel twists of fate and unfair fuckery.
Oh, let's not forget about the pin filled voodoo doll. Yeah, that fucker was
just about full.
We sat down in our first class seats with all the other people fleeing Vegas.
There were a few business men, a couple of would-be showgirls and a loud
and irritating hungover bachelor party. One of the bachelor party dudes
spoke up and looked right at me when he said, "Looks like you two lost the
shirts off your backs? Don't you guys know when to hold 'em and know
when to fold 'em?"
I sighed, knowing that he thought he was being funny. "My buddy Kevin
here, is getting married next week. What a crazy couple of
days...booze...strippers. Man, I don't even remember going back to the hotel
room last night."
Apparently he thought I gave a fuck.
He introduced himself as Cory. Cory here seemed to believe I wanted to
have a conversation with him recalling everything he and his still drunk
buddies did over the last 48 hours. He proceeded to tell me how "fucked up
this was" and how "fucked up that was." I tried my hardest to tune him out
but he was a persistent fucker. As hard as I tried to look disinterested, he
didn't get the fucking point.
He shook my arm. "Dude! Isn't that fucked up shit right there? Did you hear
what I said, man?" Since I really hadn't heard what he had said nor did I give
a fuck, I turned to him and spoke softly and slowly.
"No…Corey, is it? I didn't hear a word of it. I'm sorry. Do you want to know
what my definition of fucked up is? Would you like to hear my story? Well
you see, it goes like this. See this beautiful girl sitting next to me? Well she's
my girlfriend, fiancée…what ever the fuck you want to call it. We ran away
to Vegas to get married so I could get out of a fucked up restraining order
that my best friend slapped on me a year ago. I had to call my father that I
hadn't spoken to in sixteen years to ask permission. Then my mother, whom
I found out has been lying to me for most of my life, stopped the wedding
because she likes to see me miserable, I guess. So now we are returning
home to meet up with a group of pissed off parents, police escorts and oh…
jail time. You see she's only 16 and I have now, in the eyes of her ex- police
chief father, kidnapped her. So your stories of beer bongs, blackjack, and lap
dances, though very entertaining...really don't interest me right now."
"Sorry, Dude." I heard his quiet apology as he mumbled to himself that it
was indeed fucked up. The rest of the flight went rather smoothly. Bella
dozed while I found myself lost in my own mind most of the time trying to
remember the good parts of the last two days, the fucktastic blowjob being
one of them. I had a feeling that those memories were going to have to get
me through however long I would have to endure being without Bella.
There was a thought that kept entering and exiting my consciousness. If I
wasn't in Bella's life, she wouldn't have these problems. She could stay in
school in Forks with her friends, keep her relationship with her father civil,
and be in a normal relationship with a normal guy doing normal things like
kissing and holding hands in public and just fucking...being normal.
Obviously getting married wasn't the solution, but maybe doing the exact
opposite of that was. Maybe if I removed myself from her life completely….
"Hey, what are you thinking about," she said sleepily, rubbing her eyes as
she sat up and stretched.
I sighed heavily. "Honestly? Thinking about going away…maybe stay with
some relatives or something until I turn eighteen," I replied, looking up at
her sheepishly, fearful of her reaction.
Her teeth gritted and she spat, "Don't you dare even think about that,
Edward. I swear to God I will fucking…."
"Okay, okay, it was just a stupid thought," I huffed, holding my hands up in
acquiescence. Who was I kidding anyway? It wasn't as though I really had
anywhere to go. My grandparents were right in the middle of Hell, and
having no other relatives except my biological father who is embarrassed to
let his own wife know I exist...the only other place I could go would be to
the Denali's. Yeah...that would be well received.
As the captain came on and announced our impending landing, I watched
Bella reach over and open the slider over our shared window. I reached out
and stopped her. Not ready to yet face what was waiting for us when we
exited the plane, I simply smiled at her and grabbed her hand, kissing her
palm and held it over my heart as the plane taxied to a stop. The flight
attendant announced that first class had been okayed to exit but we both sat,
still and quiet. The remainder of the passengers exited while we waited. It
was inevitable what was ahead of us, and I was fucking scared shitless of
facing that.
With a deep breath and my head held high I grabbed Bella's hand, laid a
passionate kiss on her lips and we stood simultaneously. She looked up at
me and simply whispered, "Together," and we walked towards the terminal.
We were both shocked as shit to not find anyone waiting at the airport for us.
I swore that Charlie would be there with his gun in one hand, handcuffs in
another and an arrest warrant tucked under his arm, but there was no one to
greet us. While that immediately came with immense relief, it also brought
about more fear, not knowing what was inevitably waiting for us and when.
We made a quick stop at the store to get Bella a new cell battery, because she
was afraid Charlie would hold the old one hostage or something, and she
wanted to at least be able to text me. I ended up buying her two, just in case
she needed a backup if her dad should take it again. It gave me some peace
of mind, if nothing else.
I slipped my car into a spot in front of Maggie's building nervously,
expecting to drop Bella off and say my final goodbye to her, but Charlie's
truck and her Audi were nowhere to be found. Not having a key to the
apartment, she rang the bell repeatedly, but when no one answered, I called
Emmett.
"Hey Bro, you guys okay?" He was genuinely concerned and surprised to
hear from me. Rosalie was in the background asking to speak to Bella.
I sighed. "Been better. Hey listen, can you do me a favor…are you home?
Can you check out front to see if Charlie's truck is in his driveway?"
"Yeah, sure. You in Seattle?"
"Yeah, we're on our way home now."
"You have no fucking idea what went down here yesterday, E. Charlie was
here for like four fucking hours. They were all fighting and shit, and then me
and Jasper got involved because we couldn't stand for them to be talking shit
about you, and then they all took a break and had dinner…and then the
fighting started again. Let me tell you something about Charlie, Bro…that
dude is one stubborn motherfucker, and he does not like you at all," he said,
as his breathing grew heavy indicating that he was going down the stairs.
"Uh…yeah, Charlie's truck and Bella's car are in the driveway. I'd be careful
when you pass the house though. The fucker's probably gonna go all sniper
on you and shit."
"Great, thanks," I replied sarcastically. I needed to hear that. "It was bad,
huh?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"Yeah, you can't even imagine.... Your ass is so grounded by the way. I heard
mom and dad talking, and they are so fucking pissed. Charlie was
threatening to have you arrested and they made some sort of arrangement
that if the wedding was stopped, then Charlie would have the original
pictures destroyed...nice going there, Bro. The picture of you and Tink was
hot. You should frame that shit."
"Yeah, I'll do that," I snapped.
"Maggie got here later on and tried to convince Charlie that he should listen
to all of us and I really think he was starting to come around you know?
She's fucking hot by the way. You ever notice her tits? Me and Jazz were
trying to figure out if they are real or not but I'm going with real because
they fucking bounced…owww, shit." I heard a smack, which I assumed to
have been Rosalie's hand across one of Emmett's body parts.
I rolled my eyes at my brother's inability to keep to the topic, extremely
relieved that Charlie was going to have the pictures destroyed. "Em...fucking
focus, man. He showed the pictures to mom and dad?" Bella glanced at me
warily.
"Yeah, he had all sorts of shit on you. Mom and dad are fucking furious that
all that information on you was so easy to get and…well, lets just say this
whole thing is a fucking mess and I wish you both a whole lotta luck. I am
sorry that you didn't get married though. You really need to get laid."
I sighed. "All right, thanks Em. Be home in a few hours. Let them know,
okay?"
I sighed, letting Bella know what Em told me. The drive home was long and
quiet save for the music coming from my iPod. We stopped in Sequim for
something to eat, taking our time…stalling as neither of us had a clue when
we would be able to eat out with each other again. I braced myself for the
worse, yet hoped for the best, all the while remembering my shit luck and
praying there was no room to stick any more pins in my fucking Voodoo
doll. I couldn't stand the uncertainty of all of this.
Before the turnoff to our street, I pulled over to the side of the road and let
the car idle in park. Bella turned in her seat to face me, as I did the same. I
took her hand in mine, turning it, examining it, saying nothing. And then I
kissed her, long and hard then soft and sweet and then I pulled away
reluctantly, knowing that we were already later than we should have been.
They were expecting us.
I took a deep breath, turned the corner, and pulled against the curb in front of
Bella's house, too chicken shit to even park in the driveway. After I opened
the trunk release, I got out, lifting her bags from the compartment and
handing them to her gently. I was about to walk her to the front door,
literally shaking in my shoes, when the door opened and Charlie stood in the
entryway with his hands crossed over his chest indignantly.
Please don't have a gun…
Bella glanced at her father than at me and said, "I love you," sadly.
"Do you want me to come in with you?" I asked skeptically.
Please say no, please say no…
She snorted, replying, "I prefer my boyfriends not dead. I'll call you later if I
can." With her head high, she made her way up to the front door, holding her
bags and the wilting bouquet that served as a reminder of the wedding we
never had. I knew for sure, Bella bringing the little souvenir home would be
a thorn in Charlie's side, and truthfully, I was fucking glad. Charlie glared at
me scornfully, but I just looked away, got back in the car and drove home,
praying that Bella would be okay, regardless of where she was forced to
spend the night...or the rest of her nights until she was eighteen.
I was surprised and relieved to find the house quiet when I walked through
the front door, despite the fact that all of my family's cars were in the
driveway. I don't know why the fuck I didn't just go up the back to the
balcony, but I wasn't exactly in the best frame of mind, lost in thought over
the past day, and Bella, and the fact that I was not dead or in jail…yet.
With my bags hung over my shoulder and my suit draped over my forearm. I
clicked the front door shut with a cringe and started up the stairs. I had only
made it up a few stairs when my mother's voice startled me.
"Edward?"
Frozen with my hand on the banister, I turned my head to acknowledge her,
but didn't give her the courtesy of making eye contact.
"What?" I replied curtly.
"After you put your things away, would you come into the den? We need to
talk about this."
"I'm really not in the mood for a big discussion, okay? You're actually the
last person I want to talk to right now."
"Oh really? And why is…" Without even looking at her, I knew damn well
she had her hands on her hips and her foot tapping on the floor.
I cut her off abruptly, turning to face her. "Why couldn't you have just let it
go, mom? Why did you have to call the fucking court? Everything would be
perfect right now if you hadn't just kept your mouth shut. And on top of
that...you've been lying to me all this time about Edward? What the hell,
ma?"
From the corner of my eye, I saw my father float into the room, leaning on
the doorframe. My mother moved to the stair, gripping the railing so hard
that I could see the tendons straining in her knuckles.
"Your father and I spent four goddamn hours defending you and our
parenting skills to Charlie, just to get him to understand that you are not a
criminal, and that you are actually safe for Bella to be around. We told him
how Bella basically gave you your life back and how great she is for you and
what a good influence you are on each other and then you disappear with no
note or phone call, only to have gone to Vegas to get married?" Her voice
lifted about ten octaves. I swear I could hear little dogs and like, chipmunks
screeching in the woods. "Edward...are you insane? What the hell were you
thinking running off with a cop's daughter like that? Not only did you
completely discredit yourself and us to him, but you are so lucky he didn't
press charges against you!"
"Yeah, well it's his fucking fault that we had to run in the first place. He said
she couldn't see me any more and that she had to move to Seattle or he was
going to take the pictures to the police. I had no choice!" I yelled, using my
free hand for emphasis. "If he would have just listened to his daughter and
let her explain, maybe we wouldn't have had to go to such extreme
measures."
"Well, you're grounded for taking off without telling anyone where you were
going. I thought you'd at least learned your lesson when you stole the
Porsche and drove to Manhattan, but I suppose not." She huffed, crossing
her arms against her middle and narrowing her eyes at me. I chanced a
glance at Carlisle who was still listening and leaning, but had his gaze
averted to the floor.
"Speaking of Manhattan, you fucking lied to me about him, didn't you?" I
shook my head in disdain. "You made him out to be this asshole that wanted
nothing to do with me all these years when he really did want to be a part of
my life. How could you lie to me like that, mom? I can't believe you
betrayed me…I trust very few people in this world and I can't see how…" I
looked away from her, shifting on my feet. She looked utterly taken back at
my accusation. Carlisle glanced up at me and quietly turned, leaving the
room. I wonder if it had hurt him knowing I was angry about being denied a
relationship with my biological father. At that point, it didn't even matter,
because he was just another person to add to my list of people that I'd
wronged.
My mother's voice grew quiet. "Edward, he wanted nothing to do with you
for seven years. I sent him pictures and updates on you regardless, just
because he was your blood and I thought it was the right thing to do. When
he finally asked me to let you be a part of his life, I just…I didn't trust him. I
knew with all the money and power that his family had, I was scared to
death that he would try to take you away from us. And those people were
poison, and I didn't want you exposed to that world, sweetie. You were just a
little boy, who knew nothing of this man or his life and neither did I. Was I
supposed to send you to Manhattan to stay with a stranger? I couldn't do that
to my baby. I told him that once you were of age that it would be your
decision to form a relationship or not. I did what I thought was best for you
at the time. You had a family with Carlisle and your brothers and that was all
you needed."
"You lied." I turned curtly, taking the carpeted stairs up two at a time.
Regardless of the fact that her reasoning seemed legit, I was still pissed at
her for making me feel unwanted by him.
"Oh, I lied?" she snapped, her tone stopping me at the top stair. "You're the
ones going around professing your innocence and 'We don't touch each other
mom, and everyone is fucking but us, mom,'" she mimicked me…quite
poorly, I might add. "And now Charlie has pictures to prove it. You clearly
have no sense of self preservation, Edward."
I shook my head, walking to my room, knowing she was fucking right and
hating it.
"You're still grounded," she called after me. "Three weeks…you come home
straight after school and your weekends are spent in."
I suppressed the urge to give her the finger. Not that it even mattered,
because without having Bella to hang with I didn't even have the desire to go
out without her. I slammed the door, locking it behind me and threw my shit
on the couch. I rifled through my bag, searching for the envelope of
paperwork that needed to go back to its proper places in my drawer.
As I filed away the documents, I came across the picture of Bella and I
kissing, and the sight of us together took my breath away. Em was right...it
was a fucking hot picture and I should definitely have it framed. Though, it
would have to wait until the sentence had run its course, because this photo
was the key to me going away to jail.
With a click of the lock opening, I slid it into the back of my files, praying
that the originals were destroyed. I took the bottle of champagne that I'd
taken from the hotel room, stashing it in the bottom of my closet, hoping that
we would eventually be able to use it to celebrate something good, even if it
wasn't our wedding night.
I was dying for a shower, but too exhausted and emotionally spent to even
bother. I threw on sweats, curled underneath my covers and tried to sleep
cuddled with Bella's tee shirt that I had swiped from the hotel room. It was
covered in her scents and offered a small amount of comfort. If I closed my
eyes, I could almost feel her next to me…almost.
God, Dr. Kate was going to have a fucking field day with this shit…I bet
she'd have a big old seizure right at her desk with information overload.
I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable in my bed, to no avail. As
always, my thoughts eventually trailed off to Bella, wondering what was
going on between her and Charlie at the moment, and if she was okay and if
we would ever be allowed to be together again.
It had been a few hours since we had gotten home, and the sky had darkened
considerably with the gloom of the falling rain. Only once did anyone
disturb me, but it was Jasper asking if I was coming down to dinner. I didn't
answer him.
I had sent Bella a text which I was anxiously waiting reply to. I just wanted
to know if she would be in school in Forks or Seattle tomorrow. Too anxious
and fidgety to do anything else, I grabbed a cigarette and a lighter, heading
outside. Bella's bedroom light was on, soft shadows moving across the
window. She was putting her clothes away.
An involuntary smile feathered at the corners of my lips as I inhaled,
thinking about the last few days… the crying and fear, my shitty proposal,
Bella in her dress, the mind blowing oral sex…all the touching … God, the
touching…
Four months ago, when I had sat in this very same spot watching this girl
undress, this girl who had no identity other then Charlie's daughter; it had
never even occurred to me that not only would I fall in love with her, but
attempt to make her my wife at sixteen years old. It fucking amazed me that
in such a short time, so much had happened.
Through the window, I watched as she hung the garment bag in her closet.
An image of her in her sweet dress smiling at me at the courthouse flickered
in my mind.
At that moment, I made a promise to myself that the next time she was
wearing a white dress with flowers in her hair, it wouldn't be at some stupid
Vegas courthouse. She would have the ring she deserved, the wedding she
always wanted with bridesmaids and flowers and all that girly shit and when
the ceremony was officially complete, she would be leaving as Mrs. Edward
Cullen.
And no one…I mean fucking no one would be stopping us.
~%~

A/n: I promise, Edward will NOT go all New Moon on Bella and leave
her to go live at Tanya's parents. It really was just an errant thought.
And honestly? Did you think I would really allow them to get married?
That would have been way too easy an out. I am sorry if it was a
disappointment to you. Also, I know you're all pissed at Charlie, but in
his mind, he is doing the best he can for his daughter, who he thought
could handle herself. I would do the same thing as a parent, as would
most of you. Keep in mind, we know the truth, he does not.
Okay, so it's going to get really angsty for the next few chapters and
there may be some heartfail if all goes according to plan, to those of you
who need advanced warning. Sorry, but that's the way it goes. And to
answer the questions I get the most:
*I update about once a week.
*There will be about 50- 60 chapters to the story. I am thinking I will be
done in late spring, however, if I keep writing 15k word chapters like a
fucking idiot, then it won't be completed until my kids are in college.
They are 2 and 4 at the moment.
*I do have another story I am working on- very different from this one.
I won't be posting it until HA is done.
*HA will have an HEA. Eventually.
Some recs:
I Wanna Eff You Like a Masochistic Lion by Feisty Y. Beden- Funniest
Twilight Saga parody I have ever read. I peed a little…twice. The Volvo and
Edward's sperm even get POV's in this. It's brilliant. Read it.
Falling for the First Time by SnowWhiteHeart- funny as hell. E & B meet
on-line. They are both super nerds and damn proud of it. But Edward is a
juice box drinking teenage virgin vampire. So frigging funny and well…
made me laugh my ass off after a shitious week, even though I only got like
two of the five million geek references. I'm sorta proud of that BTW.
Expectations and Other Moving Pieces by Chrometurtle- This story is
angsty as a MOFO and very heartbreaking, but so well written. I even kind
of cried. Edward and Bella are in a loveless marriage, and when they move
from NY to a small town, Bella has no one. Edward hates her and she him…
but there seems to be hope and I can not wait to see how this pans out.

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2010
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Thank you always to Becca for proofing the first half and to Suzy for
the fun stuff and for just being you.
I apologize for the chapter delay. Just cause it's late doesn't mean it's
like extra good or anything. In fact, it my least favorite chapter ever. I
fried both my laptop and my desktop computers in two weeks... I would
have rather have given up my arms than my computers. Or my
husband.
Thanks for your patience and for your continued reviews.
High Anxiety
Chapter 30~ Resentment
Everything's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's so empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that Ill protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what your doing
Imagine where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far
Puddle of Mud~ Blurry
~Bella~
I felt like I was being led into a firing squad. With no blindfold while my
father clutched the gun.
Charlie held the door open for me with his forearm splayed against the glass.
I ducked underneath with only an icy glare as an acknowledgement,
brushing past him, careful to avoid hitting him with my mangled bouquet
keepsake. He let out a little huff, staring at the flowers with an intensity that
made me feel like he could set fire to them telepathically if he tried. I headed
toward the staircase, not really even knowing what I should be doing or
where I should be going or if I was even staying in Forks. However, at that
point, I knew I needed to surrender my indignance to him, or he would be
certain to make my life a living hell…even more so than it currently was.
Maggie gave me a warm smile from her seat on the couch, remote stilled in
her hand with the volume of the television muted. I managed a small smile
in return.
Charlie sighed. "Bella, sit please." He gestured to the dining room table.
Inside, I wanted to protest, but I didn't have any fight left in me, so I threw
my things down haphazardly except for my bouquet. I couldn't bear to see it
laying on the floor along with my heart. Dragging the chair loudly against
the newly refurbished floors in the only immature act of defiance I could get
away with, I plopped down agitatedly making a point. Maggie rose, pulling
on her coat, mumbling something about running into town to get dinner for
us. I knew she was using it as an excuse to give us privacy. She kissed us
both on our foreheads, and left in Charlie's truck. I wished she had stayed,
only because I knew how much of a buffer she was for Charlie and that her
presence was simply a calming factor for him. It didn't seem fair that he
could have his happiness while he was thoroughly taking mine from me.
He was quiet for a moment, tapping his fingers on the table while I stared at
the mangled bouquet in my hands, picking at the ribbon that was holding the
stems together. I couldn't even call them flowers anymore, they were just
pathetic stubs.
I was expecting fury and steam to emit from my father's ears, but there was
nothing….just a serene, yet a little nervous façade. The quiet was sort of
frightening He gazed up at me…studying me for a long minute with his eyes
narrowed, as though he were inspecting me for some sort of change.
I'm still a virgin, Dad. Edward was the only one who got a Happy Ending
last night.
He puffed up his cheeks with a great big inhaled breath and when he
exhaled, his lips pursed. "Your mother asked me for a divorce when you
were eight. I convinced her to stay until you were older, so that you could
understand better, and that we wouldn't be entirely responsible for screwing
up your childhood with our mess. She lasted another two miserable years,
begged me to let her go, and then finally she handed me divorce papers and
told me she was leaving with you. I had to let her go, Bella, and you too,
because as much as I wanted you to live here with me, I didn't know how to
raise you on my own. Renee did everything with you…for you." He huffed
slightly, evidently annoyed at the thought. Maybe he was regretful that he
wasn't more hands on with me. I had never minded simply because I knew
nothing else.
"My hours were erratic and once got promoted, I was always on call and I
knew I couldn't leave an eleven year old unaccompanied in the house…so I
let her take you with her. Bella, I never expected you to come back
permanently. And with a just weeks notice, suddenly you were here…my
little had girl turned into this…beautiful young woman…and I thought, from
what your mom said, that you would be okay being alone so much. I have a
thriving business that I couldn't just abandon and Renee assured me that you
would be fine."
I glared at him with gritted teeth clenching my fists under the table. "I am
fine. I've been fine since I was eleven making myself three meals a day and
making sure I got myself to school on time and that the groceries were
picked up and the laundry was folded and the toilets were scrubbed and my
homework was done," I snapped. My mind flashed back to the time when I
went almost a week without seeing Renee. I remembered sitting on my bed
crying because I couldn't get the knots out of my hair by myself. I hated it. I
hated being alone but it taught me to be the independent person I was today.
"There were times when Mom was working three jobs just to pay the rent
and to make ends meet, so that I could take stupid gymnastics and ballet and
skating lessons, because she refused to ask you or anyone else for help and
she didn't dare deny me the things I would have had if we were still living
here, even though I strongly protested. I haven't had anyone tell me what to
do in like five years, Dad. Mom and I are more friends than mother/
daughter, and I've been taking care of myself for years. Not once did anyone
ask me what I wanted to do when you got divorced. No one even took into
consideration where I wanted to live and what I wanted to do. And every
time Mom was done with her current boyfriend of the month, and every time
she got bored with her job, we'd pack up and move onto something "bigger
and better." I made air quotes for that statement, because it was never bigger
or better. Same shit, different state.
The mention of my mother's incorrigible variety of boyfriends during the
years that we were gone unnerved him. Part of me was glad it struck a cord,
the other part felt guilty for confirming aloud what he had always denied.
My mom played the field with many ... I thought it was pretty ironic that she
ended up with a baseball player.
"I had to leave so much behind just because of her flightiness and endless
desire to go fulfill her dreams." I rolled my eyes, because my mother
literally changed careers and said dreams once every few weeks. Sometimes
it felt as though I had more sense in junior high than she had when she was
thirty years old.
"I never complained. I said goodbye to the friends I had made and the pets I
couldn't take with me…and I never said a word, because she had it hard
enough. And then I come here, and for the first time in five years I feel safe
and secure because this is my home even though you changed every single
part of what made it that. And… you basically ignore me for four months,
which…I get, Dad. I totally understand that your job is in Seattle and so is
Maggie and that's fine, I swear to you, I am fine with that and I never
expected you to drop everything to be here for me when your life is
somewhere else. But you expect me to just willingly abandon my only
friends, and my boyfriend to go live in another city when I clearly belong
right here...with the family that has been here when you haven't? You can't
all of a sudden decide to be my father and take away all my rights and all my
decisions just because you believe that you know what's best for me. Trust
me. You don't." I glared at him scornfully before looking away. He cringed
outwardly during most of my speech, effectively making me aware that he
felt like shit.
His gaze darted down uncomfortably before lifting right into my own, his
eyes softening considerably. "You're right. I don't really know how to do
this, Bella. Everyone is telling me I am wrong for how I handled this
situation, jumping the gun and not letting you explain fully. I may have
overreacted in judging him, but it's the cop and the father in me battling to
do the right thing by you. I understand that you are scared and that you think
you love him, but…"
Oh, fuck you.
I chuckled darkly. "No…I know I love him. There is no doubt in my mind,
and don't you dare chalk this up to our ages and being so young. What I feel
is…so immense and genuine, and absolutely terrifying but beautiful at the
same time. And you are such a hypocrite saying that to me when you were in
the same position I was at the same age with Mom. Are you telling me that
you didn't actually love her then?"
His eyes narrowed at me as his head cocked to the side with a mocking
smile on his mouth. "No, Bella I'm not. I loved her. A lot. But just look at
how great that turned out. She resented me because I tied her down in a
small town with a small town life and all her dreams were shattered. I had
dreams too, Bella. I had to turn down my acceptance into law school and
take the next best thing- a goddamn low paying shit gig as a small town cop.
You have no idea how much we struggled to make things work and I lived
with the fact that nothing I did was ever good enough for your mother. And
don't get me wrong, we both loved you and wanted you but having you so
young was hard. I can't allow you to be in that situation and I can not watch
you struggle and lose your future for a boy, regardless of the fact that he has
a serious history. Bella… Didn't you think you should have told me about
Edward 's situation? I mean, did you both think I wouldn't find out?"
"Honestly? No, we didn't think you'd ever find out and I never thought it was
necessary to inform you, simply because he's innocent. Besides, look at how
you reacted. If I had told you upfront, you would have done the same thing."
I raised a knowing eyebrow. I never had even considered telling him to tell
the truth. I wondered briefly if the Esme and Carlisle had thought about it
divulging the information to him at some point. "And Dad…this losing my
future for a boy nonsense? I'm not having sex with him, so the chance of me
getting pregnant is like, slim to none. And I wouldn't be that stupid to get
pregnant at sixteen even if we were doing…it." My cheeks were flushed
with heat.
He let out this like, sort of huffing growly sound at the mention of me
having sex with Edward . "Well, bottom line is this…You are smoking
cigarettes, and knowingly breaking the law by violating Edward 's
restraining order. You disobeyed me, and you left the state without leaving
any kind of note as to where you were going. I was frantic about that looking
for you. If Esme hadn't gotten in touch with Edward's biological father… "
I rolled my eyes and muttered quietly, "You took my cell battery, Dad. It's
not like I could call you."
My father shook his head and sighed, scratching his chin in annoyance.
"Don't give me that shit, Bella. Edward has a phone. Still, I can't allow any
of that to go unpunished. You have no rules, no restrictions, no curfew, no
supervision and that's entirely my fault. That ends now. I haven't been
parenting you properly, and you clearly are on the path to being out of
control. And I refuse to allow you to go there."
Once again, I rolled my eyes. Was he fucking kidding me?
"Dad, I am not out of control. So I smoke a cigarette once in a while. It's not
a crime."
He cocked a holier than thou eyebrow. "It is if you are under eighteen. I am
curious as to how you are acquiring the cigarettes in the first place. And it's a
proven fact that smoking leads to drinking and marijuana use and then
eventually to hard drugs. This is not the path you are going to take. And
well, since Edward has a history with street drugs, I am very hesitant to…"
Oh for the love of God…how the hell did he even find that out?
I cut him off with a smack of my hand on the table. "Dad, he doesn't do
street drugs, okay?" I snapped, wondering idly if weed was considered a
street drug. If my father even knew I was smoking pot he'd send me straight
to St. Mary's convent in Spokane. "Just lay off the kid…jeez. Will you
please cut to the chase here? Are you forcing me to move to Seattle or
what?"
I was semi impressed at how he was able to keep his voice so even when I
was ready to hit him. "I may have jumped the gun a bit on moving you to
Seattle immediately. I have been considering selling the house and making a
permanent residence in the city for some time… but with the real estate
market the way it is…as of right now, you can stay here until the house sells.
You are grounded though. You have to come home straight after school,
you'll use your car to get to and from school and work only. And
weekends… you'll come to Seattle with me and Maggie . I am going to take
some time off of work to be here at home with you…"
I shook my head, infuriated, but too stupid to realize that this was so much
better than what had transpired the other day. "This is such bullshit. Why
don't you just put an ankle bracelet on me and put me under house arrest,
Chief Swan? How long is this ridiculous punishment going to last?"
"Indefinitely. And watch your language. I won't tolerate that from you, you
hear me?"
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
"Am I still banned from seeing Edward?" I cringed without him seeing,
bracing myself for his answer.
"I can't control what you do in school, but like I said, after school and
weekends are spent in this house and with me. You can drive yourself to
school from now on too. Though Esme and Carlisle did a pretty good job
defending that kid and it's really unfortunate what happened to him, to be
very honest, I don't trust him. Not after he convinced you to run away with
him to get married, who knows what else he'll do. And don't push the issue,
because you're lucky you're getting this much from me. Keep in mind I can
monitor your emails and your texts too."
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
I sighed, sitting up from the slump in my chair, muttering what a dickhead
for a father I had and how unfucking fair this shit was. The fact that he did
not answer my question directly did not go unnoticed. He hadn't actually
said I couldn't see Edward, nor did he apologize for saying those terrible
things about him. But since he was keeping me imprisoned, that effectively
prevented me for having any excessive recreational contact with my
boyfriend.
Nice loophole, Dad. Did they teach you that in "Get Smart" training school?
"Are we done?" I glared at him scornfully with narrowed eyes. Before he
could answer, I grabbed my stuff and made my way up the stairs. I paused,
turning, noticing that he was still in the same spot at the table, only he had
his head in his hand.
"What about the pictures?"
"Oh, uh…I asked Max to destroy the originals and any copies that were
made before he sent them back to the client. That was a favor to Esme and
Carlisle. Don't let there be any more incidences of violating the restraining
order Bella because if I find out…"
Oh, Fuck you sideways and upside down with an ice pick up your ass.
Wholly relieved yet irritated beyond comprehension, I rolled my eyes at his
threats and turned, sprinting up the stairs before he could sprout into another
fucking useless lecture about what I already knew. My intention was to call
Edward just to let him know that I wasn't being forced to move to Seattle
and that the pictures would be destroyed, because I knew he would be
stressing over that big time. He was probably locked inside his mother's
kitchen pantry organizing soup cans alphabetically at the moment, just to
calm himself down.
After about ten minutes of throwing the contents of my bag around the room
haphazardly, I gave up looking for the phone that was likely in E's car. I took
a long shower, futilely trying to wash the day off of me while resisting the
urge to bawl my eyes out over the stupid punishments I was getting. The
only time I could see Edward was in school and my weekends would be
spent under house arrest in Seattle . Nice social life there, Bells.
However, that outcome was a hell of a lot better than moving to Seattle and
never speaking to him again, so I suppose I should have been grateful.
Fuck you very much, Dad.
~%~
That next morning was sheer agony waiting to see Edward. Since Christmas
break, Jasper had been driving Alice in the mornings, and Edward had taken
to picking me up a little early each day. Usually we would go get breakfast
at the coffee house before homeroom, just to spend a little bit of extra time
together. But since that had been abruptly ended for us, I drove myself alone,
feeling anxious and sombre and worn out between the past few days and the
exhausting, emotionally charged two hour phone call to my mom the night
before. It had been pouring all morning, the sky dark gray as my mood,
which forced everyone to head straight to homeroom instead of loitering out
in the parking lot.
Edward met me outside after second period Spanish, immediately handing
me my phone. I actually got teary eyed when he smiled at me so sadly,
pulling his hand back and tucking it into his pocket as to not reach out to me.
The urge to hug him was completely and absolutely crushing. I just wanted
to feel him next to me and his mouth on mine and his arms wrapping my
body in the strength and warmth of his embrace. His expression, pained and
solemn, told me he clearly felt the same. In the hallway, Edward and Emmett
bumped fists which I thought was so cute and Em gave my shoulder an
affectionate squeeze as he departed to his next class. I wished he was my
brother sometimes…well, without all the farting and stuff.
E and I had chatted online for a while last night, going through the run down
of our respective groundings and post non-wedding in Vegas conversations
with our parents. As shitty and selfish as it was, I felt a little better knowing
that Edward was in the same boat as me as far as the punishment went. It
wasn't that I wanted him to be in trouble, but it was nice to know he would
be in on the weekends too, and that at least we could text or instant message
each other or whatever. I think he felt some relief in that as well, knowing he
wasn't alone. However, he only had three weeks, whereas Charlie dubbed
my sentence as indefinite.
Prick.
We did celebrate the fact that Charlie seemed much more accepting of
Edward due to his family's convincing, and that I was able to stay in Forks
for at least until the house was sold. I had been busy concocting plans to
thwart that from ever happening, though.
We said goodbye at my class, with Edward having only a minute to get
across the building in time for his own class, and he was all stressed and anal
about being late. His internal struggle was evident as his body jerked
forward slightly, almost having to force himself back from kissing me. I
sighed, giving him a very sad smile, anticipating seeing him in English and
then to actually be near him in lunch.
The day dragged immensely. Rose and Alice practically assaulted me at our
lunch table while the boys were off getting food. I thought Alice's head was
going to implode when I informed her that I had actual pictures of the almost
wedding. They wanted to know if we had sex, but when I told them I'd had
my period, thinking that would instantly halt the topic to a standstill, the two
of them stated unanimously, "Uh so? A little blood never stopped Emmett or
Jasper." I rolled my eyes at them. They obviously had no idea what Edward
was like. The boy couldn't even say the word, never mind touch me down
there with it. Wet wipes and hand sanitizer were not my idea of sex toys.
Regardless of my reluctance to kiss and tell, the barrage of questions kept
coming. Rose had just asked, "Well okay, so no sex but did you at least give
the boy a blowjob?" But before I could answer, Alice gave us the Oh my
god, shut up they're coming eyes then they finally quit talking, not wanting
to continue in front of Edward. I had to ask them to turn it down repeatedly,
because I didn't want anyone else to know we had tried to get married at
sixteen...I mean, Edward was getting enough shit from his peers, he didn't
need this on top of the other rumors. Those idiots would probably all think I
was pregnant and though there were worse rumors that could be floating
around about me, getting knocked up by Edward Cullen was something that
could land him into a shitheap of legal trouble.
Edward and I faced each other while we ate, whispering soft words,
effectively shutting out the world and our chatty friends while we stayed
safe in our little bubble for thirty minutes. I craved his touch and often found
my fingers twitching to just clasp his hand or run my thumb along his
cheekbone affectionately. It was harder than I had imagined now that we had
been so free with each other, to go back to absolute nothing. He was having
just as hard of a time with it. He had his hands clenched tightly into fists as a
reminder of sorts to keep them to himself. I could hear the want and ache in
his eyes and in his voice and see it in his irritability and lack of appetite. He
had hardly touched a thing on his tray. I whispered, "I love you," to him and
it seemed to ease his worried mind just a fraction.
We walked to Bio together, and once seated in class, we spent the period
writing stupid notes back and forth on my hamburger pad trying to not get
caught. After what we had been through, the whole thing seemed so very
juvenile yet both of us tried our best to mask our irritation and frustration
with our circumstances now worsened by the addition of our parents control.
Our cooking class was our saving grace, though. Mrs. Miller used the first
ten minutes to give instructions and a brief lecture and then the rest of the
period was spent in our kitchen stations. Edward would set everything up
quickly before he would allow us to begin cooking and I found it adorable
that he was so willing and eager to learn. He asked constant questions about
how to do things, his vulnerability shining through in the sweetest way. I
couldn't lie…I loved teaching him and I relished in the fact that I was good
at something he wasn't and that when we cooked together, I was the
dominant one in the relationship. It seemed to equal the score a bit on the
grand scale of things, and my irrational insecurities needed that. However, I
knew just from Edward's personality, and what I understood of him from
before the incident with Charlotte, that if he set out to be great in the kitchen
or anywhere else, he most certainly would be. And that was what I loved
about him.
After cooking, we headed down to the gym together, parting sadly at the
locker room doors. Since the new semester had started, the gym teachers
made us play basketball, which wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't so
short, unatheletic and actually gave a shit. Edward was very focused, almost
as though he was able to get lost inside the game for forty minutes.
I watched him reverently from across the gymnasium, his reflection
gleaming in the shiny floors. He was aggressive and cursing, playing
rougher than one generally should during Phys Ed. He and Mike Newton at
one point were in each other's faces swearing and yelling at each other,
causing the whole gym to stop what they were doing to watch the almost fist
fight. The coach blew his whistle, pointing for Edward to sit out before it
came to blows. He moped off to the bleachers, slumping over with his hands
clasped between his bouncing knees.
When I met his gaze from across the gym, he just looked away, scrubbing
the back of his neck tensely. Then he got up and disappeared through the
locker room doors, smacking the door loudly as he walked through.
Once the period was through, I met him outside by his car, where he was
smoking a cigarette while leaning against his trunk. His hair was damp and
wiry from the locker room shower and his expression reeked of annoyance.
Jasper was walking away muttering, as evidently the two of them had just
finished arguing. Edward gave Jasper the finger and yelled, "Oh fuck off!"
He was just…angry at the world and not hiding it. Edward apologized to me,
though I questioned why because he didn't offend me personally. He said
that during the basketball game, Mike called him "a pussy who couldn't get
laid" and it rubbed him the wrong way. I calmed him down with soothing,
reassuring words, and promises to do ridiculously depraved things to his
peen in the not so near future. He closed his eyes with a groan, throwing his
head back as he faced the sky in frustration. When he looked back at me, his
eyes gleamed with want likely reminiscing about the blow job he received. I
had effectively made things worse for him... like dangling the Hershey bar in
front of the fat kid with his jaw wired shut.
And then as the parking lot cleared out leaving us virtually alone, we both
knew we had to say our goodbyes before our parents sent out search parties
for us.
With gritted teeth, Edward came close to my face, just barely grazing my
cheek with his nose, and whispered, "I love you so fucking much it hurts."
He got into his car, agitatedly slamming the door and peeled off as I stood
watching the rear lights fade onto the highway.
The weekend was going to be long.
When I got home, I deliberately slammed the front door as I walked past
Charlie, completely ignoring him. He told me he wanted to get on the road
by three, which gave me fifteen minutes to pack a bag. I threw some clothes
into my duffel haphazardly, not giving a shit really, and followed him to
Seattle at the goddamn speed limit which annoyed the piss out of me so
much I wanted to put my fist through the windshield. It was then I
understood Edward's hostility during gym and his departure from the lot.
Everything in our lives was being micromanaged to the point of suffocation
and it sucked.
I spent the weekend holed up in Maggie's guest bedroom, only emerging for
sustenance and to use the bathroom, effectively ignoring my father when he
was around …which was very little because he was catching up on the work
he missed while hovering over me in Forks. Maggie kept trying to get me to
hang out with her, but I just wasn't in the mood to talk about my father and
his well meaning intentions, knowing the topic was guaranteed to arise at
some point.
So I studied, immersed myself in Romeo and Juliet, and surfed aimlessly on
the internet while Edward had gone out with his family to dinner and wasn't
around to Instant Message. I uploaded our "wedding" pics into my laptop,
playing around with some graphics programs until it made me too depressed
to look at them anymore. I was bored out of my fucking gourd.
I tried to remember back to what I had done when I was living in California
during my banishment from high school society. I had spent a lot of time
with my mom, doing outdoorsy things like going to the beach, shopping
trips on the pier, and swimming in our pool. Somehow, it didn't seem so
lonely as it was currently. And I suppose the biggest factor in the feeling of
solitude was that I didn't have my Edward or anything close to an Alice or
Rose or Angela , or even Jasper or Emmett while I lived there. These people
were my family and I missed them.
On Sunday, I packed up my stuff and left at noon, heading to Port Angeles to
work. I was surprised, and a little excited to see that Jacob was there, just
helping Billy out at the store. His smile was infectious, and it felt good to
give a genuine grin after what seemed like so long. As nice as it was to have
his company for a brief minute, it was temporary and fleeting.
For once, I was thankful for the giant smelly costume head that would mask
my angst and ire. I put on a good show, hamming it up while grumbling how
much I hated those kids under my disguise. I walked out of there with over
two hundred dollars in my hand and a stolen goodie bag to boot, so all in all
it hadn't been a waste of a day. I just missed Edward's company so much and
not for a second did my thoughts deter from him.
When I got home, Charlie was already there with Maggie cooking
something Italian in the kitchen. It smelled amazing and I was completely
starved, but in an attempt to exclaim my defiance towards my parental
figures in my life, I refused dinner and remained in my room hungry for the
rest of the night. Thank God I remembered my goody bag. I put the M&M's
in my back pack to give to E on Monday and then I chowed down on the bag
of Skittles and snack sized bag of Oreo's.
Only later, when they had locked themselves in my father's bedroom to do
God (ewww) knows what, did I come out, grab a quick and cold bite of
leftovers. Maggie's cooking was awesome, and it made me sad and guilty
that I was eating and really enjoying her food. Even cold, it was better than
anything my mother could make.
I missed my mom. She was desperate for me to come home to visit her.
Regardless of my constant reassurance that I was staying in Forks, she was
pretty convinced that I was coming home to live with her for the summer.
With Edward here, that was not going to happen. Surprisingly, she had been
very supportive of my relationship with Edward, and she over looked and
listened to my side of the story with Edward's legal situation, offering
legitimate sympathy for him and me as well. That was one of the many
things that made my parent's marriage fail. They were such passionately
different people.
That aside, she was not at all thrilled about the idea of me being married to
him, particularly when I hadn't yet slept with him.
She was all about kicking the tires before buying the car.
My mother, having had all of her wild oat sewing opportunities retracted
from her because of her high school pregnancy, felt that I should have as
many experiences as possible... that included sexual experiences. She once
told me that she wanted me to live with a man for at least two years before I
even considered becoming engaged, and that I should have lots of sex with
different people because as a woman, I had the right and responsibility to
myself to explore my body and the things my body needed sexually. And she
also said, "Bella, men think with their dicks," and "use a condom no matter
what the guy tries to tell you."
That was pretty much the extent of my birds and the bees talk at eleven years
old. It was astounding that I had managed to remain a virgin this long.
~%~
The following week was pretty much the same as was the week after that.
Tuesdays were the worst though for Edward. He was more fidgety and
irritable than usual, a reaction to having to go to therapy. He apologized
constantly for snapping at me, but the dark circles under his eyes, and
constant yawning told me his tetchiness was a direct result of lack of sleep. I
asked him why he was having such a hard time sleeping at night, and he said
simply that he woke up often, but not from nightmares or anything. This
whole situation with me and the pictures and not touching again had him so
anxious that by the time he fell asleep, it was past midnight and he often
woke several times a night for no reason, before having to wake up at six am
for school. When I asked why he wasn't taking a Xanax before bed, he said
that he was, and it wasn't helping at all. I wondered if his body had become
immune to their effects or if the effects just weren't strong enough for his
body.
I felt so completely helpless not having a clue what to do for him and not
knowing the words that would soothe him.
"I love you," just didn't seem to cut it but it was all I could offer. I stopped
promising sexual favours, because that did nothing but remind us both how
long we would have to wait to cash them in.
Often when I found him staring off into space, daydreaming about nothing, I
wondered if he was still contemplating leaving me. I knew it was a solution
that would hurt us both terribly, but Edward seemed so disconnected from
everything lately, that I thought maybe I would wake up and find him gone
with no explanation. The thought haunted and terrified me.
About three weeks into my indefinite grounding, I came home to find
Charlie outside standing on the lawn with a blonde lady dressed in business
clothes. He was assisting her with pounding a wooden frame into the ground
for a fucking for sale sign. As I stepped out of the car tossing my bag over
my shoulder, I gave my father, the offending sign and the real estate agent a
long hard stare dripping with malice.
He was really fucking doing this. He hadn't listened to a word I had said
about this being the only place I called home and anything I said about
having to make friends over and over or about having all of the decisions
made for me by my parents. If I had thought I could hate him anymore, it
just turned tenfold. My father waved, as though I should skip right over to
him with a fucking red balloon in my hand or something and beam at the
sign.
Unfortunately, they both walked over to me before I could duck out. "Lucy,
this is my daughter, Bella. She'll be here most of the time, so you'll probably
be speaking to her when you need to show the house."
With narrowed eyes, I glared at her open mouthed as she held her hand out
to me. Bitch.
The thought briefly flickered in my mind to spit in her proffered hand, or to
take it and do some cool karate jujitsu tsunami move that would twist her up
and land her on her back like a fucked up bug, rendering any future
showings of the house strictly from her wheel chair. And since the house had
several staircases that would be near impossible…
But Charlie glowered at me in a clear warning to be polite, so I held out my
hand, giving her a wet noodle handshake before looking away petulantly.
"I'll be showing the house sometimes at a moment's notice, so it would be
helpful if it was tidy and your room was clean at any given time. The market
isn't great right now, so any prospective buyers are to be taken seriously and
accommodated immediately." She flashed a huge, winning smile at me. I
wanted to punch her in the jugular. Now a perfect stranger was telling me to
clean my room.
Yeah, go fuck yourself sales bitch. Because my house is a fucking sty?
"Oh, and we'll be having an open house this Saturday, so you may want to
make yourself scarce. Buyers don't generally appreciate the homeowners
being present. It makes them a bit uncomfortable."
"So I can't even stay in my own home for this thing? Well, I am grounded
until I am eligible for Social Security, so unfortunately, I'll be here. Unless…
I could always got to Edward's." I chanced a glance at my father who was
scowling and shaking his head, admonishing my request. I replied coldly, "I
have a ton of homework." I didn't wait for permission to be excused before I
walked off without any exiting words to either of them.
"I'll look forward to speaking with you!" she called out in her fake voice.
Yeah, look forward to having a fucking heart to heart with my voicemail,
bitch.
That Friday night, having nothing else to do with my time, I straightened up
the already immaculate house, and set out to make dinner for the first time in
weeks. And it wasn't to be nice, trust me on that one.
Since I had so much free time, I had been watching the most ridiculous
television shows just for some company as I still hadn't said a word to
Charlie in three weeks save for the night I had come home from Vegas and
we had the big talk. I was quite proud of myself for being able to last so
long. As I was skipping through the channels, I came upon a show on the
Home and Garden Network that happened to be giving tips on how to sell
your house in a shitty market. I took those tips and used them to my
advantage.
So putting my plan into action, I purposely chose flounder, which had been
wrapped up in the freezer, having been caught by my father sometime in the
fall. Remembering from when I was a kid, flounder had a distinctly potent
fishy odor when fried, so I cooked that bad boy up and threw on a big old
pot of steamed broccoli for added offense. Later on, I made sure I plugged in
some super stinky floral air fresheners into the sockets, creating a muddle of
disgustingness for the olfactory senses. It may not have been the best plan,
but it was what I could come up with on such short notice with what I had
on hand.
Before heading up to bed, I replied to a text from Edward telling me he was
going to go all fifth wheel and hang out with his brothers and their girls even
though the idea of it made him want to vomit. It made me sad and definitely
a little jealous, but I had encouraged him to get out, go get high or drunk, or
whatever, just so that he would feel a little better. It didn't seem like he
wanted to go at all, but I knew he needed to enjoy some freedom he had just
gotten back. Whatever helped... I would deal with it.
Okay, so not really. As the night wore on, I grew increasingly angry at my
father who was downstairs on the couch with Maggie laughing his ass of as
they watched some stupid comedy movieall snuggly and shit on the couch.
Finally, when I couldn't stand it anymore and the resentment got to be too
much, I stormed down the stairs yelling with my hands on my hips.
"You know, you keep me locked up in this shitty house for almost a month,
my friends are all out having a great time and you two sit here and rub the
fact that I am not allowed to see my boyfriend right in my face?"
They both just looked at me blankly. It was the first actual sentence I had
spoken directly to my father in three weeks.
"Dad, can I please go out for like…an hour. Just to get some fresh air or
something?"
He looked at Maggie who smiled encouragingly.
"No."
"No?" I asked incredulously. Maggie scowled.
"No."
I stomped up the stairs petulantly, yelling "I hate you!"
He responded quietly, "I know you do, Bella."
That next morning, after I showered and dressed, the doorbell rang. It was
that stupid Lucy real estate bitch from hell with her arms filled with a tray of
pretentious gourmet wrap sandwiches and brightly colored balloons for the
dumb sidewalk sign. I gave her a big fake smile and then dirty look as I
turned away, quietly letting her into the foyer as she wrinkled up her nose in
disgust. Yes, it was very, very stinky at the Swans.
She ignored my contemptuous glares, placing the tray of food on the dining
room table along with paper goods alongside a whole bunch of glossy
brochures highlighting the features of my house. I looked it over laughing
aloud as I read the overly emphasizing wording. Quaint completely redone
four bedroom, three bath home on lush property overlooking natural
woodland preserve. Priced to sell!
Fuck you.
She skirted around the house, making sure everything was to her satisfaction
before her throngs of guests arrived. Once she left the room in search of
some heavy duty air freshener, (which I had stealthily hidden in the
basement) I eyed the sandwich tray. When the front door shut as the stupid
lady went outside with her stupid balloon, I swiped a wrap, sneaking
upstairs. I returned later after my father came home to grab some water from
the fridge, she promptly reminded that the sandwiches were for the buyers.
Fuck you bitch. You're lucky I didn't hock a big old loogie on them.
Edward called just after noon, sounding tired and massively hungover. They
had planned to go see a movie last night, but ended up changing plans at the
last minute when they got word one of the football players was throwing an
impromptu party. The feelings of anger and jealously roiled inside of me, but
I masked it simply by asking if he had a good time. He said it was okay and
that he had missed me terribly, which I knew to be true. I quickly changed
the subject, still fuming at my father's injustice.
I could hear the people chattering downstairs, footsteps heavy on the
wooden floors and stupid real estate bitch's bitchy voice bellowing
throughout the first floor. The house still stunk like a hot unwashed butt,
though my nose had become oddly accustomed to it. The prospective
homebuyers, however, were repulsed.
I smiled inwardly, leaning against the wall, being very not "scarce" as stupid
lady had requested. Grabbing a black Sharpie and the stack of brochures, I
skilfully added some curves to the three in the asking price, making it appear
as though we were asking $850.000, which was grossly overpriced. I heard a
few people actually turn away without looking when they saw that. I
mentally patted myself on the back for the idea.
When the family with the young, impressionable teenage daughter came in
all excited about the house, I casually made mention of the places of interest
in the neighborhood.
"There are three hot sixteen and seventeen year old boys just down the house
there." I pointed to the Cullen's. "They are incredibly horny, but so much
fun." The girl's face lit up. Her parents couldn't get out of the house faster.
Then there was the young couple, ready to start a family. So I made mention
of the hot doctor that lived in the Cullen's house, and the portly, insecure
husband suddenly lost all interest in looking any further than the living room
window which faced said doctor's house.
I was at a loss as to what to say when the family with the little girl came in
eagerly scanning the rooms with their hopeful eyes. Honestly, it was a great
place to raise a family and a great house with great land and great tree house
out back. My treehouse. So I lied.
"There's a teenage girl named Alice across the street who is great with kids.
I'm sure she'd love to baby sit. She likes to shoplift a little bit though and she
has a small problem with foul language and like dirty videos but other than
that, she's awesome." I don't know how much of a deterrent that was, but I
had to give myself credit for the effort while praying that my slanderish
comments didn't get back to Alice's mom.
Eventually, I grew bored and went outside for some fresh air an a possible
glimpse of Edward. A little boy with wild red hair and a very toothless grin
told me he liked my kitty. I cocked my head to the side, wondering what the
hell he was talking about, and thinking the worst possible thing when he
pointed to the lattice under the front porch. Soon, he and I were on our
knees, peering through the wooden slats. Sure enough there was a family of
cats inhabiting the space, soft brown and very tiny. There were three of them
that I could see.
I brought out a bowl of milk and let the red headed kid set it by the slats. The
kittens scampered to the very back where it was dark, and the little boy was
disappointed when he could no longer see them. So was I, which I found
amusing, because I did not have a fondness for cats...or dogs, or animals in
general.
One of the babies suddenly shot out from the other side, staring straight at
us. He wiggled his little nose, cocking his head adorably which caused the
redheaded kid and I to freeze in a giggle fit. We were stuck in our crouching
positions, waiting for the tiny kitten to make his next move. As sad as it was,
it had been the most exciting thing that happened in weeks, and it was the
first time I had felt an actual smile on my face. I caught myself and promptly
stopped, fearing that my father would somehow hear my small taste of joy
and rush to stop it from happening again.
It made me infinitely sadder that it hadn't been Edward that had put the smile
there.
By the end of the day, the stupid real estate lady said that there was only one
solid offer on the house but it was substantially lower than what was being
asked. My father was adamant about sticking to the asking price, which for
once, I was glad he was such a rigid hard ass. Maybe the fish didn't stink
enough...I wondered if I mentioned the fictitious sexual deviant on the block
over if that could deter anymore buyers. I'd have to save that for next time.
Along with my skull and cross bone tee shirt, black lipstick and my Korn
and SlipKnot posters that were going to adorn my bedroom walls. I suddenly
found myself to be a very angry angry young girl and I smirked thinking
what Charlie would do if I painted my bedroom black to match my mood.
For a moment, I wondered if those Goth girls in the cafeteria all had
overbearing fathers who refused to allow then to have any visitation with
their boyfriends.
~%~
The following week was tougher than normal. It was Valentine's Day that
Sunday, and the school was having a Junior class fundraiser dance on the
Friday evening before. Angela had mentioned helping her sell tickets and
something about a bake sale next week and an upcoming talent show or
some shit that I didn't pay much attention to, but that I hadn't realized that I
agreed to assist with just to shut her the hell up.
Edward, even though he had been released from his grounding and
essentially free, was so forlorn and dismal, there was nothing I could do or
say to get him out of his funk. It crossed my mind to sneak out to his car to
make out or give him another blow job or whatever I could do to make him
happy, but I knew he wouldn't take up my offer, for fear of getting caught.
Every time I asked him to talk to me about it, he just told me that he was
depressed.
Evidently, in addition to not sleeping or eating well, he wasn't speaking to
his mom which had his parents in discord. His biological father had called
twice urging him to come to New York to meet his half sister, Kimberly. On
top of it all, he said that Jazz and Em always had Rose and Alice over the
house, so it made it difficult to leave his room without having unwanted
displays of affection thrown in his face all the time, and he was struggling
with the idea of playing baseball for the Forks High team, even though he
had begun running with Emmett in the afternoons as a distraction and
possible training should he decide to join the team.
"And… all I want to do is hold you, Beautiful. I fucking miss you so much,"
he said, immense pain in his words and behind his eyes. I almost thought I
could see them tear up. It was obvious that he was losing his resolve to stay
strong. I didn't know how to help him get any of that strength back, or how
to help him hold onto whatever little he had left.
Thursday of that week, I got home from Yearbook late, happy when I found
an empty house. Charlie had been leaving for Seattle late in the evenings
after he knew I was in bed, and coming home within an hour or so after I got
home from school. The trips were wearing on him and I was truly hoping his
paternal hovering wouldn't last too much longer. He had to be losing some
serious money. I actually overheard him on the phone one day regretfully
turning down a lucrative referral knowing he wouldn't be able to take the
client while he was watching me in Forks.
At that point, I could have been a really good daughter and just caved,
hauling my shit to Seattle so that my dad could have his life back. I kept
telling myself that this was his choice not mine. But I was sixteen, and I felt
that I should never have been put into this situation to begin with. There was
no way that I should have been expected to be made to feel guilty for not
wanting to accommodate him after he basically fucked up my life.
I changed into comfy clothing and began to make myself a grilled cheese
sandwich and tomato soup, but it made me so sad because I knew Edward
loved it and it was what I made the first time I saw his peen.
Ah... the memories.
It struck me as odd, the random things I remembered in conjunction with
Edward's nakedness.
I groaned and cursed under my breath when I heard Charlie's car pull into
the driveway, because pissed off or not, I would be obligated to offer him
some food, which I most certainly did not want to make for him. I didn't feel
like being around him either. Over the crackling butter in the grill pan, I
heard Charlie unloading stuff from his truck onto the front porch. I took a
quick glance out the window, hoping to get the cheese melted and my ass
upstairs into hiding before he finished unloading when I saw Edward
walking down the street. He had his hands stuffed into his navy pea coat
pockets, looking all sheepish and hot as hell. I was horrified. What the fuck
was he doing?
I sent him a frantic text message:
What the hell R U doing?
Peeking outside again, I watched Edward pull his phone from his rear jean
pocket, shake his head at the screen with a tiny twitch of a smile and shove it
back there without a reply to my text. He walked right up to my dad, and
held out his hand.
I gasped.
My father stared at his proffered hand a minute, completely disregarding the
peace offering to turn back to his truck, which I thought was terribly hurtful
and rude. Between the crackling pan and the way my heart was pounding
unbelievably loudly in my ears, I couldn't hear what he was saying to
Charlie. My boy had some set of balls that was for sure. I didn't know
whether to be proud and pat him on the back, or just smack him upside the
head for being so stupid. After moving the pan off the burner, as discreetly
as I could, I pressed my ear to the window, wanting to hear the conversation
that was underway. However, I couldn't decipher a word of what they were
saying.
Edward looked completely dejected, but awkwardly retracted his hand,
running it through his hair. He was clearly terrified, because he wouldn't risk
ruining that perfect coif unless he was a nervous mess.
Biting my nails with anxiety, I watched them talk for a minute, Edward
keeping his hands stuffed in his coat pockets. He looked pale and tired, more
so than I had ever seen him. Charlie finally paused to look at Edward's face,
but he was facing away from me so I wasn't able to see his expression. I
couldn't imagine it was a smile. Then, I heard Charlie's voice raise in anger
which caused Edward to flinch. I moved to the front door, opening it with
force. Edward's eyes met mine briefly, but did not linger. He nodded
solemnly,and with a tiny wave to me, he walked off with his head hung in
dejection.
Charlie came in just after, not making eye contact with me, as he placed his
surveillance equipment in the foyer.
"What was that about?"
"Oh, so you're speaking to me now?" he asked with an amused chuckle,
placing his bag on the floor.
"No," I replied acidly, turning with a huff toward the kitchen and inwardly
cursing myself for the lack of impulse control regarding anything having to
do with Edward Cullen.
"He asked my permission to take you out on Friday for some Valentine's
Day dance and then dinner or something afterward," he mumbled. I froze in
place, my heart thumping madly. I had no idea Edward wanted to take me to
the dance. It was beyond sweet.
In a barely audible whisper I asked, "And?"
"I told him no, that you are still grounded," he said casually, as though
Edward had simply asked him for the time.
"Thanks a lot, Dad," I said in a choked whisper. Hearing the word no hurt
like hell. I mean, you would have thought that since Edward had the
gumption and the courtesy to come over and ask his permission after
everything that had happened, that my father would relent just a little.
Tears pricked the corners of my eyes and quickly fell. I took my sandwich
from the kitchen, passing my father just before I climbed the stairs to hide in
my room. I had never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day before, and though
I was trying to ignore all the hype and consumerism and fucking Alice
screeching about it twenty five times a day, it hurt knowing that I couldn't
celebrate the occasion with the boy I was madly in love with.
I called Edward later on, and he gave me a basic rundown on what had
happened. He asked, my father said no, and Edward said something
regarding the fact that I hadn't smiled in weeks, but Charlie didn't give a shit.
I spent the rest of the evening sulking while making Edward a card and
wrapping the shirt and bottle of cologne I had purchased when Maggie
dragged me out to the mall one weekend.
The next day in English while we were assigned quiet reading time, Edward
suddenly rose with his bag over his arm and handed the teacher a pink early
dismissal pass. I looked up at him, wondering what that was about and a
little perturbed at the same time that he wouldn't tell me where he was off to
or up to or whatever. As he passed my desk on his way out, he discreetly
dropped a little envelope into my open purse.
When I knew the teacher was occupied elsewhere, I opened the beige
envelope, hiding it under my desk. Inside was a plain beige folded card with
just the word, Beautiful written in Edward's script on the front. On the inside
read:
You are cordially invited to a Valentine's Day luncheon
Friday, February 12th
Fifth period
Room 210
Edward
The smirk on my face was uncontainable. The pad of my thumb ran over the
words reverently, as I waited patiently for the period to end, excited and
beaming. As soon and the bell rang, I bolted out the door, heading straight
for my locker to grab Edward's gifts.
Room 210 was actually our cooking class. The door was closed, and I didn't
know whether to knock or just enter. I hesitated for a moment, taking a deep
breath before finally turning the knob. The classroom was dark.
"Hello," I called softly. "Edward ?"
He poked his head out from behind the kitchen station we used during class.
I chuckled at his big cheesy smile, the first genuine grin I had seen in a
while. When I walked around the corner, the sight before me had me frozen
in my spot. He had the table covered in a red tablecloth with white linen
napkins folded into hearts. Plastic champagne flutes were set to the right of
the plates, and two of those battery operated candles that looked like real
flickering flames set in the center of the table with a single red rose in a bud
vase. Next to my plate was a small square white box tied with red ribbon.
"Happy early Valentine's Day, Beautiful," he said quietly. Open mouthed, I
placed the gift bag on the floor and sat as he motioned for me to do so with
his hand.
"Sparkling grape juice?" he asked haughtily, rolling his eyes. I laughed at his
corniness as he filled the glasses. From the counter, he took a plate of cheese
and crackers, placing it in front of me.
"Hors D 'Oeuvres," he chuckled as he sat down at the table, holding his chin
in his hand with a Cheshire grin.
"Edward this is so sweet. You did all this?" There were at least four different
kinds of cheeses cut into little X's stacked alternately with the round
crackers, effectively making little X's and O's, or hugs and kisses. So damn
cute. Edward nodded proudly.
"Mrs. Miller told me I could use the room as long as I cleaned up. She gave
me the tablecloth and the napkins, but I did the rest. My mom helped a little
with dessert."
"So you're talking to her again?" I asked, taking a bite of cheese on a
cracker.
"Eh, not really, but she saw that I was having some difficulty and she offered
her help. I think she was just after the chocolate chips. You should see her,
B. She's got like…an actual baby in her belly. She popped all of a sudden,
and she's so happy." Edward shrugged, taking a small bite of a cracker as he
held it over his plate. I saw him cringe at the shower of crumbs it produced,
but he tried hard to not obsess over it. We ate a few more crackers with
cheese and chatted about nothing of real importance. But I took in every
second of his company, not even realizing the intensity of the cravings I had
for him just to be near me.
"You ready for the main course?" he asked brightly. I nodded eagerly,
wondering what he had made.
He pulled two plates from the counter hidden under a white paper napkin.
"Don't laugh, okay?" He placed the pates on the table, pulling off the napkin
to reveal two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cut into perfect hearts. I
took one look at them and burst into tears.
Edwards hands flailed in a panic, trying not to touch me but clearly finding
it extraordinarily difficult not to comfort my unexpected sadness.
He stammered, "No, don't cry, I know it's not gourmet or anything but it was
all I could do with my lack of cooking skills…Beautiful...what… did I do?"
I just shook my head, embarrassed at my reaction to his sweet gesture and
saddened that he thought I was upset over his beautiful lunch.
"I'm sorry. No one's ever done anything like this for me before and…
Edward ... I love it…all of it. Thank you so much." I was ashamed for
feeling so sad when he had gone through so much trouble to arrange all of
this just for me.
"You're welcome. This isn't how I wanted to do this by any means, but…if I
could have, I would have taken you to that stupid dance on Friday and then
Saturday, we would have maybe gotten a hotel room and done something
romantic..." Edward bit his lip shyly. "And then on Sunday, I would have
taken you to a really nice restaurant. But… this has to do for now. But I
promise to make it up to you, okay?"
"E, this is the best thing you could have ever given me, I mean it. I love the
thought you put into everything." Edward carefully dried my tears with a
napkin, his eyes soft and sympathetic. Thankfully, he understood why I was
emotional and it didn't ruin the moment. We devoured our sandwiches,
toasting and then taking sips from the sparkling juice filled flutes.
"Here, open this," he said, pushing the gift box toward me. Smirking at him,
I picked it up, pulling the red ribbon off with a smile. "I saw this and I
couldn't resist."
I lifted the lid and started to cry again when I saw what it was. Edward just
rolled his eyes, shaking his head with a small smile. He took the box from
me, pulling the heart shaped necklace from the backing. It was
asymmetrical, one side smattered with small diamonds with a larger
diamond trapped between the dip in the center. "It's from the Love's
Embrace Collection. I thought it was cool, because…well, I can't exactly
hug you so…"
He sighed, rising from his seat to stand behind me. I lifted my hair, baring
my neck as he slid the necklace on and clasped it. When he was done, the
chain tickled my neck as the weight of the charm pulled it down. Before I
released my hair, Edward placed a tiny, quick as lightening kiss on my neck
and whispered, "I love you," into my ear. I shivered as the warmth of his
breath caressed my skin, aching for so much more than he could give me,
yet temporarily placated with what he could.
I was so fucking tired of feeling like this all the time. I just wanted things to
be normal. Would things ever be normal for us?
Edward opened his gifts happily. He loved the shirt, as I knew he would, and
he sprayed some of the cologne on his chest waving his hand out to let me
smell. I already knew it was something he wanted, from a trip to the mall not
too long ago. He loved the card, and I was glad because that took the most
time and effort. I had even used the utmost restraint to curb the pink glitter
accents on the front, because I knew it would make him crazy to have it all
over his fingers.
Inside was really just heartfelt words telling him how much he meant to me
and how I truly couldn't live without him in my life. Edward almost got
teary eyed over that and he seemed a little choked up when he offered me
dessert. We ate the chocolate chip cookies, laughing as he told me how he
mangled the first batch, not expecting the chocolate heart centers to melt into
a puddle of goo in the oven. His mother had intercepted at that point,
explaining the the chocolate candy hearts should go on the centers of the
cookies once they were removed from the oven.
I was happy that he was at least acknowledging his mother. I knew what an
intense strain it had to have been on him, seeing as they were so close, and
he probably really needed her to talk to at the moment. It occurred to me that
this must have been awfully hard for Esme as well, trying to do the best job
possible as a parent and having to make decisions that your child later
resented you for. It made me understand Charlie a little better though, I
couldn't find it in myself to grant him any forgiveness.
Without words, we both realized that the period was coming to a close. With
heavy hearts and meek smiles, we gathered up the table contents, washing
off plates and putting them away. Edward left a note for Mrs. Miller, kindly
thanking her for her generosity.
Edward's temporarily good mood quickly soured into his usual melancholy
by the time gym rolled around. He contained his temper, even after Mike
elbowed him on a shoot, knowing full well that the last thing he needed was
to get suspended for fighting.
Saying goodbye to him that afternoon was by far the hardest, with our
omitted Valentine's Day passing plus having Monday off for President's Day.
He leaned against his car, smoking his cigarette as usual, just staring at me in
silence. It seemed that while the world around us moved on with their lives
happily, we were stuck in one aimless perpetual circle that went nowhere.
As the drops began to fall in thick plops, he reached into his car, and
grabbed a folded up tee shirt that I recognized as the one he had on under his
button up earlier. I took it from him with a quirked eyebrow, immediately
bringing it up to my face to sniff. Weird, yes, but Edward's scent was
comforting. He'd remembered. During one of our phone conversations, I
remarked at how I wanted one of his worn shorts to sleep with.
As the drops fell harder, Edward and I said goodbye with our eyes, and I felt
like my heart was being ripped out of my chest as I got into my car leaving
him standing out in the rain by himself.
By the time I got to Seattle that night, it was late and traffic was slow
moving because of the torrential downpour and partial road flooding along
the highway. Charlie actually had the audacity to imply that I was late
because I was hanging out with Edward. I wanted to fucking maim him.
Billy had called to let me know that the party Alice and I were scheduled for
Sunday had been postponed, effectively giving us the weekend off, which
sucked for me not having nothing to break up the monotony. Alice, on the
other hand was ecstatic about the news. Apparently, one of Carlisle's friends
was killed in an accident and he and Esme were off to a funeral in Portland
for the weekend. Emmett and Jasper already had a keg lined up for the party
they were throwing. I was beyond pissed that I was missing it.
Together, Alice and I tried to come up with any excuse we could to get me
back home to Forks, but I realized in the end it was futile and not worth
digging myself in deeper. So I just pouted and tossed things around in my
room angrily until Maggie came in wondering what the hell was going on.
We ended up having a long talk about everything that had happened. I
realized then, that she was the main reason my father had allowed me to stay
in school in Forks. I also realized that I loved her like a big sister.
Charlie was gone all day Saturday as was Maggie. Once he got home, he
basically demanded that I accompany him to dinner which I wholly resented,
but I felt I had to relent once he said he had something important to talk to
me about. I followed him down to the end of the block to a local pizza place,
eagerly anticipating him telling me anything that would put a smile on my
face. However, deep down there was a part of me that was shitting bricks in
fear that he had sold the house.
He made small talk while I looked over the menu ignoring him out of
principle because Edward had called earlier, on his way home from Sea-Tac
airport after he dropped his parents off. It made me furious that he was so
close and we couldn't even see each other briefly.
"Is that new?" he asked, gesturing to my necklace.
"Valentine's Day gift from Edward," I replied cooly, bringing my fingers up
to touch the heart with reverence. It really was beautiful.
"That was very generous of him," he said politely.
"Yeah well, I think maybe he just felt badly about not being able to take me
to the dance and dinner like a normal person does with their girlfriend, so he
felt obligated to make it up to me. Its basically what you when you love
someone...you give them affection and respect." I gave him a sardonic little
smirk, smacking my menu down as the waiter approached with our drinks.
The last comment had nothing to do with Edward, but was directed toward
my father and how he treated me. Charlie just nodded quietly, offering no
response. I looked away then, staring out the window into the busy street.
Once the waiter left with our dinner orders, Charlie placed a shopping bag
on the table. "I uh...asked you here tonight because I have some news I want
to share." Slowly, he removed two heart shaped boxes of chocolates, one
wrapped and the other still covered in cellophane.
"This one is for you," he said, as his finger dipped into the plastic, shaking
slightly. "This is for Maggie. Open it." I eyed him suspiciously, as I lifted off
the top of the box. In the center, was a missing chocolate, replaced with a
simple diamond engagement ring. "I'm proposing tomorrow," he said
quietly, always the reluctant romantic.
I had to contain the urge to jump for joy. I wanted to throw my arms around
him and hug him and celebrate with him, but I just couldn't. I couldn't help
but sorely resent the fact that he was able to have joy with the love of his life
and that he was the sole reason that I was completely prevented from doing
do with mine.
"So what do you think?"
I replaced the top looking completely unaffected by the news. "About
what?" I asked, taking sip of my soda. I relished in the grimace that proved
my supposed indifference was pissing him off.
He huffed and then his fingers curled around his beer bottle tightly. "About
the ring. About the proposal. About the fact that I am going to marry
Maggie. You don't have an opinion on that?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
I gritted my teeth in anger. "Because Dad, does it really matter what I think
at this point? Does it matter what my opinion is? You're going to do what
you want anyway so why bother even asking me? You do whatever it takes
to make yourself happy, and you don't need to worry about my opinion,
because you've shown that it means nothing."
"Bella..."
I asked with wide eyes, "Am I wrong?"
"Yes."
I huffed exaggeratedly, shaking my head.
"I'm so sick of this shit." He placed Maggie's box back in the bag and set it
on the chair next to him.
"Excuse me?" I replied to his unexpected comment. If anyone was sick of
any kind of shit it was me.
"You heard me. I am so sick of this. I am trying to do the best I can with
you, Bella. I am trying to prevent you from making stupid mistakes that will
forever alter your life and I am trying to give you guidance and structure
and...rules. But you resent me for it and...your mother and Maggie both
think I am wrong. So if you want to go...then go," he said gesturing to the
door.
"Dad?" I hedged, skeptically, totally unsure of what was happening.
"I said, go."
When I stupidly didn't make a move he explained, "Look. I took the wrong
approach with this. It was all or nothing and I realized that the solution isn't
that easy. Your punishment is over, but I expect you to adhere to some rules.
You'll have a strict curfew and I am having an alarm system installed which
will text me when it gets set at night so that I know you are actually in the
house. Other than that, as long as your grades remain where they are and you
continue to show me that you are responsible, you can have things back to
the way they were...for the most part. And don't let me catch you smoking
again."
My mouth hung open in shock and I felt as though my body was washed
with relief and joy. I was so afraid to ask about Edward, but I desperately
needed to know. Before I could even say anything, he said quietly, "As long
as you don't break the restrictions of his restraining order, you can see him."
I flew at him across the table with uncontrollable speed, knocking over his
beer in the process. He chuckled and I squealed, showering him with kisses
while eliciting stares and whispers from the other patrons, but I couldn't
have cared less. Charlie had given me my life back.
"Dad, thank you!" I sat back down on my chair, wiping up the beer from the
table. When it was cleaned up, I folded my hands in front of me. Charlie
quirked an eyebrow.
"What?" I asked grinning like a fool. My knee was shaking under the table
in a giddy sort of frenzy. I needed to call Edward immediately.
"Why are you still here? I said go!" he chuckled pointing to the door. "Go
celebrate Valentine's Day with your..." his hand flailed in the air aimlessly as
he fumbled for the word, "boyfriend."
"What about dinner?"
"It's my last night as a single man, Bella. I'll eat dinner and go meet some
buddies at the bar. Don't worry about me," he smiled, genuine and bright. He
was happy.
"Congratulations, Dad. I really am happy for you. Honestly, I love Maggie
and I know you guys will be happy." I hugged him as tight as I could, kissed
him on the cheek and grabbed my candy.
"Call me when you get to Forks and be back in your bedroom by one
AM...alone. And don't speed, Bella!"
he yelled after me as I bolted out of the restaurant. It took me but a few
minutes to run down the block, grab my stuff and get on the road to Forks. I
would get there with two full hours before I had to be back home...it was
enough and I was not complaining.
Edward had sent a text saying that he was going to chill in his room because
he wasn't in the mood for a party without me and he would call me in the
morning. I called him right back, but his phone went straight to voicemail.
Quickly, I sent him a reply text to let him know I was on my way to see
him...and so fucking excited about it.
I was practically bursting inside, even though we couldn't hug or kiss, I
would be able to spend the remainder of the weekend with Edward, and that
was the best gift that my father could have given me.
It was the gift of his trust and his respect and his love.
~%~
Recs:
Caravaggio by meimei42- Teenage Bella falls for 22 year old playboy
painter Edward who is commissioned to do her portrait. She ends up
sitting naked for him and well...other stuff happens. Its sooo good. I
couldn't stop reading.
Gynazole by Mrs. The King- its disgusting and funny as hell. I have no
words to describe it really. Bella sharts and Edward is just awkward. Its
great.

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2010
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
WARNING:
This chapter has graphic drug use in it. This may be a little difficult to
read.
Oh Hey, My lovely BB Erika did a rec for my other story I'll Be Your
Lover Too on LUSTorium. The site is very cool. So check it out!
http://lickablelustorium(DOT)blogspot(DOT)com/search/label/Temptin
g%20Tuesday?zx=c4d9a8d66c0291e3
Thank you as usual to Suzy, for catching all my errors in timelines,
adding whit and humor to the story, and for finally resigning to the fact
that we will never have a phone conversation without me screaming at
my kids. You love it and you know it. Xoxox, bb. Erika, you are
awesome in so many ways:)

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 31~ Escape
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made
It's easier to go
Linkin Park ~Easier to Run
~Edward~
The room spins like mad every time I close my eyes, and I feel like I'm on a
fucking merry-go-round that just won't stop. It's dark except for the light
coming through the seams of the door and I want to sleep so badly but I
can't. I think I may puke if I lay here any longer. I have to get up. For some
reason my legs aren't listening to my brain.
The incessant thumping vibrating through the floors and walls all around
me from downstairs is goddamn rap music…. I hate rap music and it's
annoying the shit out of me, and I wish I was home in the warmth and
security of my own bed. Something tells me I'm not sure I could even
remember how to get home right now even if my life depended on it and I
know my house is just around the block. Well, it used to be….
I am really fucked up….
She's here again...I wish she would just leave me alone. I can fucking smell
her perfume or shampoo or whatever, and the sweetness of it is turning my
stomach. Fucking strawberries that make me want to gag. But I am out of it
and I am just feeling so fucking numb and good, but bad and nauseous all at
the same time. I feel the bed dip beside me as she sits down next to my
stomach, the coarse fabric of her jeans brushing against bare skin where my
shirt has ridden up. Her hands are cold and I flinch when she fingers the
hemline of my shirt, raking meticulously manicured nails over my stomach
and eventually drawing them up my chest ever so fucking slowly...like
torture. She barely touches my nipple, swollen and tender from the new
piercing before I can even warn her to not touch it and I yelp. But I have no
voice. I try to speak but my mouth moves and there are no words forming, no
sound emitting. There is nothing but her breathing and mine...heavy,
labored, excited…scared….
No. This is wrong.
I want to protest, but I am too groggy and what she's doing to me is causing
me to go rock hard, involuntarily. Her lips meet mine and I am not sure if I
should reciprocate because I don't want her to get the wrong idea, but I
can't be sure if this is right either. It's not. So I don't kiss her back because I
don't feel that way about her and in the morning she will be hurt...I don't
want to hurt her. She's whispering shit into my ear, telling me how much she
wants me and that she's loved me for so long and, "Please, Eddie, take the
pain away, you can make it go away."
The sound of her voice rips a shiver through me. I don't recognize her voice
like this...she sounds scared. Take what pain away...what the fuck? I want to
help her but I don't know how and I can't speak or even move…. Then my
shirt is pulled over my head and she gently touches the Saran wrap covering
the fresh ink on my bicep and I feel a twinge of a burn, but the Percocets and
liquor are keeping me numb, and her mouth is suddenly all over my
shoulders and my chest...and I can't decide if it feels good or not. Yes, it
feels good but….
No.
But then my pants are undone and she's struggling to pull them down over
my hips...and they are wrapped around my ankles keeping me immobile, not
that I can seem to make myself move anyway. I am shy and I feel so cold in
my stark nakedness but then warm, so warm, as her mouth is on me...but her
hands are like fucking ice. And its been a while since my dick has seen any
kind of female action down there, so it's hard as fuck and it is betraying my
emotions by being so eager when I don't want this.
I don't want this.
And then she slides herself onto me and it feels...fucked up, because I want
her off of me but my body wants more and it's wrong. I can feel the weight of
her body on me, her hands are on my chest and then her hair brushes my
face and she's whispering, "Please tell me you love me too, Eddie, tell me
please…." She is crying hot tears. Some of them fall erratically on my face. I
can not move to wipe them away.
No. I say nothing.
I open my eyes because the sweet is gone, replaced by the scent of suntan
lotion and ocean air. Crimson lips smile down at me, red painted fingers
weave in my hair and I want to speak but I am silenced by the red lips and
soft, taught skin in my face...breasts... I know these breasts....
Her body pushes forward on top of mine while I am inside her and she pulls
herself up and then down, circling, gyrating, moving like she's done this
countless times. Moaning and whimpering she leans forward, blonde curls
brush over my face, but I shut my eyes because I don't want to see anymore
because this is still so terribly fucking wrong.
And then at last, there is the scent that brings me comfort and solace and
fills me with love.... Heaven and chocolate and so much love and she's here
and I smile because I am so fucking happy. My body feels the sudden
tightness as her slick heat surrounds my cock and the softness of her touch
as she cups my face in her hands but I still can't move or speak and I want
to.... I want to tell her how much I need her and how much she makes me
feel alive and whole, and how fucking inherently beautiful she is as she
hovers over me and smiles...but I still have no voice. Suddenly she's
grinding harder and it's so goddamn good and I am exploding inside of her
and I have to scream but my mouth opens and I am stilled by her breathy
words on my lips...
"Don't worry, Baby. It will all be over soon."
~%~
Fucking goddamn cryptic dreams. They were always the same...always
starting with Charlotte who morphed into Tanya and then eventually into
Bella and just as I was about to come, she would say something entirely
fucked up and I would wake up sweaty and shaking and covered in my own
jizz. I really needed to get a hold of a fucking dream book to figure some of
this shit out.
It had been three weeks. Three of the longest weeks of my entire existence
and I felt like all of the life that had been vivified in me when I met Bella,
was being slowly drained from me every second we were away from each
other. We saw one another at school, but we were never alone, never
intimate, never touching. The fucked up thing was, that before all this
happened, we were so bent about the restrictions placed upon us, it never
fucking occurred to me to be grateful for the little we had, not having the
hindsight to know that it would be almost completely gone.
I lived my life in a constant state of paranoia, mixed with frustration, anger,
fear and self loathing...then throw in my steadily increasing OCD habits and
a fuck load of sexual tension and I was just done. I found myself falling into
a very deep depression, this time, one that was easily recognizable as
depression. I wasn't sleeping or eating, I didn't feel like doing anything but
lying in my bed thinking morose thoughts and being pissed at the world. I
had been taking Xanax by the handful practically and it was not helping at
all. I lied to Bella, telling her I was just restless at night, but the dreams were
fucking driving me insane. Perpetually reliving that night with Charlotte was
frustrating as hell, but I almost wanted to have the damn dreams just to get
to the last part where Bella was the one on top of me and it finally felt good
and right...until she said whatever fucked up thing it was that she was going
to say.
My parents were acutely aware of the change and diligent about being on my
fucking case about taking my meds, which I was taking without question. As
my father doled out the newly increased dosage of my antidepressants with a
forlorn expression, he said with a condescending brow furrow, "Drugs aren't
necessarily the cure-all, Edward. Sometimes only time and patience can
work out what pills can't."
I loved him, but his philosophy bullshit made me want to punch him in his
smart mouth. "Yeah, yeah, just gimme the goddamn meds, Dad. I need to
feel better now. I need to feel something...."
It turned out that even with the amped up dosage, nothing had really
improved, except the dreams had gotten progressively more vivid. Lucky
me.
My spirits were only temporarily lifted in Bella's company. Other than that,
my mood was in a constant abysmal state and I couldn't seem to shake the
gloom no matter what I did. After school and on weekends when we chatted
or texted each other, I tried to keep up the facade that I was only mildly
glum, but Bella saw right through it. She knew me, my moods, and my
issues as if they were her own, so it was fucking difficult and fruitless to
pretend otherwise. She was just as somber. I hadn't seen a genuine smile
from her in weeks and since her laughter was generally absent, as of late, the
one time I had heard her giggle was like fucking angels singing or some
cheesy shit like that. I mean...I hadn't realized how much I had missed the
sound and it practically crushed me knowing that I did this to her.
I was the reason she was so fucking sad and I didn't know how to fix it, or
make it better. I was just stuck in this place with no answers, and no hope of
anything ever changing.
Besides seeing Bella any chance I could the only activity I found myself
looking forward to while finding a small amount of enjoyment in were my
afternoon runs with Emmett. I craved a distraction from the sudden
dissipation of the routine with Bella after school, as well as that fact that
since I was grounded, I wasn't drinking or smoking weed and that too
required a distraction. The running helped focus my thoughts, blow off
steam and release some (very, very little) of the sexual tension through the
endorphins. Emmett pushed me hard. He was convinced that I needed
training if I wanted to play ball in a few weeks when the season started. I
was still undecided about paying baseball; however, spending the time with
Emmett was something to look forward to when it seemed that I had nothing
else to give a shit about.
Running also took care of a lot of the pent up aggression that I was
experiencing and taking out on Mike Douchebag Newton during gym. I
couldn't figure out why he was being so antagonistic towards me suddenly,
until I heard from Ben that it was common knowledge that I was considering
going out for the baseball team. And apparently, Mike was the best pitcher
the school had, so it had obviously become a pissing contest for him. I
laughed to myself because I knew damn well that I could piss further and
faster...a hundred and one miles per hour faster, to be exact.
I didn't know if I was up for the challenge...but I really fucking wanted to be,
if not for anything than just to piss the fucker off. Come to think of it, I've
never liked him. Bring it on motherfucker.
On top of it all, my relationship with both of my parents was strained
because of the situation, and though I kept my interactions with my mother
to a minimum, I had a nagging sense of guilt that my silent treatment was
causing her undue stress, which was not at all good for the baby. And if
anything were to happen to it...God, I couldn't even fucking think about the
ramifications.
Carlisle was conflicted in his role. What I didn't realize off the bat was that
he was probably hurt by my anger, simply because he was and always would
be my father, and knowing I was frustrated about being in the dark about my
biological father bothered him to an extent. He had approached me a few
times, defending and explaining my mother's actions and choices, and while
I understood and appreciated what she had been trying to do, it didn't erase
the fact that she painted my birth father in a highly negative light. It didn't
negate the fact that she lied to me, knowing that I had questions about him
that went unanswered. She chose to insinuate that he didn't want me, when
all these years she had been letting him know me through pictures she
sent...but never allowing me to know him in the same way. She never
afforded me the choice and I felt cheated in a way.
What bothered me on top of all of this was that Edward had offered help
with my legal situation, having the means and connections that he did, but
she declined, with the justification that it wasn't his place to get involved. It
pained me to think he might have been able to get the appeal sooner. Her
pride took precedence over my freedom.
He had called to talk to me several times since our initial conversation. I
found out that I did indeed have a sister named Kimberly, and she was four
and she was really into Disney Princesses. He emailed photos of him and
her, and his wife who looked like she walked off the pages of the sports
Illustrated Swimsuit magazine. Kimberly looked exactly like her father,
which because I did as well, was odd to look at. I was kind of weirded out by
that in a way, knowing there was a little person out there that was related to
me, looked like me and I had never even met her. I wanted to know her.
Edward's honesty definitely hurt a bit when he admitted that he never told
his wife about me because he was ashamed of his past indiscretions and she
came from a wealthy, well bred family that would look down upon him for
having a child out of wedlock. He insisted that he wasn't ashamed of
me...just what he had done to conceive me and the deliberate lack of
involvement in my life. I couldn't understand how a man could legally bind
himself with a woman and withhold such a huge secret like that for so long,
but I supposed Edward had his reasons. I honestly didn't know how to feel
about any of that.
But in the mental state I was in, I actually couldn't find it in me to be angry. I
really couldn't find it in me to give a fuck, really.
He said it caused some serious problems in his marriage, which was sort of
like a yeah, duh, moment to me. I just couldn't help but dwell on the fact that
I had fucked up yet another person's life...albeit inadvertently. Edward asked
if I would come to see him in New York, that he was anxious to finally meet
me in person, particularly after we had spoken so much. I was wary about it,
to be truthful, and I was not sure precisely why. A part of me felt like it was
a betrayal to Carlisle and everything he represented to me.
I did know that if I were to take the trip, Bella was coming with me. There
was no way in hell I could meet him without her supporting me because I
would probably be a fucking mess without her. Knowing the situation we
were in at the moment, I explained that it would be at least a year and a half
until she was eighteen and free from her father's draconian supervision. That
of course, was if we made it that far, which I didn't know would even happen
at this rate. I wasn't sure if the love we felt for one another was strong
enough to endure the massive amount of shit we had to go through. I mean
our love was strong and pure, but realistically, we were inexperienced
teenagers handling more than our share of bad shit and having no idea how
to cope, with very little guidance or support. We were both so fucking lost.
I just...sometimes I just felt like there was no point.
Edward understood my fears completely, and was regretful of that, yet he
gave no guilt or pressure on the subject. He seemed to actually be a nice
person.
The worst part of this whole thing was that I recognized that I really needed
someone impartial to talk to. Emmett was always there to shoot the shit, but
he was so impulsive and unemotional that his advice was actually really
shitty most of the time. I never told him that though. I was honestly just glad
he was there.
Jasper would on occasion sit and listen, but I felt like he couldn't relate to a
thing I said, and I often wondered if deep down he was feeling a little bit of
vindication with all of this. During one of my morning OCD fits where I got
pissed off that he left a mess of fucking crumbs on the counter, he later
accused me of having PMS in gym when I had the near scuffle with Mike.
He didn't get me at all; and the fact that we hardly saw each other anymore
due to my being grounded and Alice's constant presence in his life bothered
me...evidently more so than it bothered him. Maybe I was just being overly
sensitive. I mean, it wasn't like Jasper had ever been the warm and cuddly
type, but I missed him regardless.
My mom was probably the best person to go to but I was still too upset with
her to trust her like that for the time being. And truth be told, I really missed
her too, fucking mama's boy that I was.
And Bella, well, she was my best fucking friend but I couldn't add to her
emotional burden, though I knew damn well she would have taken all of my
shit onto her shoulders without question, just to give me one moment of
peace. She was so much stronger than I was.
So therapy was my only option. I mean, after all, that was the intended
purpose of having a shrink, right? When Dr. Kate questioned me about what
was going on, I was longing to tell her everything but I was still reluctant to
trust her implicitly. She could see by the circles under my eyes and my
overall demeanor that I was going through deeper shit than normal.
It was only after she admitted that my parents had called to let her know
what had happened with the events leading up to the wedding, including
contacting my biological father, that I felt moderately comfortable talking to
her about it. I wasn't mad at them for telling her so much, though I probably
should have been. They knew that I would not talk to her unless I was forced
to, so I suppose I should have been thankful for the push. Regardless of what
I felt about the truth about my biological father's intentions having been
withheld, it was obvious that my mom and dad loved me very much and I
wasn't that self absorbed in my anger to recognize that the gesture was of
concern for my well being.
The fifty minute sessions flew by faster than I could get everything out, so
she had asked if I minded doing doubles for a while until my issues were at
least partially resolved, or until I felt some semblance of normalcy return. I
agreed to it, but I still didn't trust her completely, even though she repeatedly
reminded me that she was sworn to doctor patient confidentiality. It was
fucking hard to remember what to omit, and there were just some things I
had to white lie around because I refused to admit that Bella and I had been
intimate. It was stupid to even put forth that much effort in hiding the fact,
because she already fucking knew. And if she didn't she was a lousy
therapist.
So we did that for three weeks straight, me giving her what I could and her
writing furiously in her legal pad, occasionally throwing out questions and
whatnot until I couldn't take anymore and I was a fucking crying mess. None
of it made me feel remotely better. Talking about it actually exacerbated my
ire and frustration and I would leave with more anxiety than I came with and
an equally shittier mood.
It was when I waited for Charlie to get home that afternoon when I felt the
most broken, the reality of the situation coming to a peak. I'd picked up a
necklace for Bella, so excited to give it to her, and my intention was to take
her to this little fondue restaurant in the back roads of Port Angeles that was
like the town's hidden secret. I had made reservations right after New Years,
knowing that they would be booked solid for Valentine's Day, never
foreseeing what was to come. I had never been there, but I knew from the
description and what I heard from my parents' experience that Bella would
love it.
I had rehearsed what I was going to say, and made sure I was dressed in my
least delinquent looking coat, just for visual effect, hoping Charlie would see
pre date rape accusation Eddie Masen, instead of post I stole you daughter
away to Vegas to get hitched Edward Cullen. It was a long shot, hoping
something as benign as a coat would soften his maleficent opinion of me.
My hands trembled like I was experiencing early onset of Parkinson's and
the urge to take a piss was overwhelming, though I knew I didn't have to go.
I was that nervous. But as I walked down the block with my head held high,
my sweaty palms at my side, my brothers watched through the bay window
at home as though they were viewing a dog fight or something equally as
interesting. It was fucking comical how they were always able to make
lemonade out of my life's lemons. I received encouraging pats on the back
from the both of them and sarcastic wishes hoping Charlie wasn't wielding
any heavy artillery.
It felt so unnatural to ignore Bella's text when she spotted me approaching
her father, but I had to let it go or I would have chickened out for sure.
Knowing she was witnessing the exchange actually provided an odd comfort
though. I was doing this for her...for us. I could be strong for her...even if it
was a huge fucking lie and it proved again to me how much more resilient of
a person she was.
I can honestly say that in my life I had never felt so rejected as when I held
my hand out to Charlie and he stared blankly at it, making no move to
reciprocate the motion. Dejected, I stuck my hands in my pea coat pockets
and then did that stupid nervous running my hand through my hair thing that
my mother said she remembered Edward occasionally doing as well. I felt
the lighter Bella had given me in the pocket and held onto it like it was some
magical stone. My thumb nervously rubbed over the smooth plastic,
searching for something to give me the drive to do what I had come here to
do.
My voice shook with a high squeak and I cleared my throat feeling like my
balls were going to shrivel up and fall off.
"Mr. Swan," I said nervously. He went back to pulling his shit out of his
truck, ignoring my presence. "I uh...I wanted to see if it was at all possible to
ask if you would allow Bella a pardon...from her punishment?" He quirked
an eyebrow probably at my choice of words...pardon...like she was in jail.
"And why the hell would I do that?" he snapped.
"Uh, well because Sunday is Valentine's Day, and the girls have all been
talking about going out to this dance at school and then out to dinner and
uh...that stuff is really important to girls, you know? And I want to make it
special for Bella." I scratched the back of my neck just for some place to put
my hand.
Through gritted teeth he spat, "Yeah, well, she's grounded, no thanks to
you."
I swallowed thickly, steeling my resolve. "I realize that you don't like me
very much at the moment and you certainly don't owe me any favors, but
Bella has been so unhappy lately, and after being stuck in the house for
weeks I think she really needs a night out to just have..."—
"Let me stop you right there, Edward," he said loudly, clearly not
appreciative of the way this conversation was headed. "Don't presume that I
don't know what emotional state my own daughter has been in and don't you
dare tell me what you think she needs. Maybe if you weren't so keen on
convincing her to run off to Vegas to get married at sixteen, she wouldn't be
in this situation in the first place."
"Sir...with all due respect, at the time, we felt we had no other options. Bella
was hysterical and I ..."
He cut me off abruptly. "The answer is no. Bella is grounded. Period. Is
there anything else you wanted?" He was clearly pissed. The vein in his
forehead was sticking out like it was ready to burst.
I sighed, feeling the sadness that Bella would feel when she found out I
couldn't do anything special for her, when everyone around us was making a
big fucking deal out of the day. It was just another thing I fucking failed her
with.
I cleared my throat, speaking quietly. "Just that I wanted to extend my
apologies for not being more forthcoming with my legal situation and for
taking matters to the extent that we did. I am regretful of that." I made brief
eye contact with him for effect so that he could see that I amassed some
shred of integrity at least, but I didn't regret trying to marry Bella. I would
do that again in a fucking heartbeat. My eyes met hers as she stood panicked
at the front door. The sight of her made my pulse quicken. She was so
beautiful standing there. It killed me knowing that her heart was going to
break again...over me.
He nodded, promptly dismissing me without words, as he brought his stuff
to the front porch. For a minute it occurred to me that I could give him a
hand, but I was too pissed to offer him any assistance after his blatant
rejection of my proposal.
I mumbled, "Thanks for your time," and gave Bella a small wave as I headed
back toward home feeling like complete and utter shit.
My mom had apparently witnessed the whole thing along side my brothers
through the front window. It was clear by my solemn expression that I didn't
get what I went for and even more obvious from the piteous look on her face
that she had been filled in on the details of the attempt.
"How'd it go, Bro?" Em asked, cringing I shook my head and started up the
stairs.
"Edward...maybe you could set up a picnic at school or something like that
instead?" My mom called softly, as she gripped the railing at the bottom of
the staircase giving me an odd sense of déjà vu. I stilled and turned toward
her pursing my lips in thought. Her eyes were pained, and I knew this strain
between us was killing her inside. I just nodded with a small smile as I
began heading to my room.
It took but a few minutes of sulking in contemplation until I realized that my
mom had a good idea. It was weird how I found grocery shopping to be
therapeutic, and as I perused the aisles all neatly stocked with box fronts and
can labels facing outward, I wondered if other people felt that way. It took
me like two hours to get everything I needed because I didn't know where
the hell anything was, and I was sort of stalling anyway, because I liked it in
there. It was comforting.
I had no fucking idea what to make Bella which wouldn't need heating up or
refrigeration or massive amounts of preparation, because the period was only
forty five minutes long and I wanted to spend the majority of the time with
her. I settled on something simple, that I knew she liked...and though it was
lame, I knew Bella would see the effort behind it and not focus on the actual
food. And if not, well, I had a fucking diamond necklace with a sappy, but
appropriately sentimental meaning attached to it to make up for the lack of
elegance in the meal, just in case.
It took an entire loaf of bread for me to get the peanut butter and jelly
sandwich hearts just right. I had the deformed ones stacked on a plate for
when Emmett sniffed out food from across the house, so he wouldn't bother
me. That kid had an innate sense of smell for anything food related, like a
fucking hound dog or some shit.
It took a while to do the cheese X's too, but I knew the time spent on
perfecting the detail would be worth it. I mentally chastised myself for being
such a pussy with all this shit. Heart shaped sandwiches, hug and kiss
shaped appetizers...where the fuck I came up with this shit I will never
know. It didn't matter though, I just wanted Bella to be happy, and if seeing a
smile on her face for like a millisecond would be the end result, then I would
happily put what was left of my masculinity on the line.
And it was funny because I finally got why Bella had been all nervous when
she made the Thanksgiving meal. Getting it right was important. The thing
was, I needed to get this right. I needed for something to go right so that
Bella wouldn't constantly look at me as this major fuck up, reliably
providing endless disappointment.
When it came time for the cookies, I had gone the easy route and bought that
premade stuff in the roll because I was afraid I would fuck up the dough
from scratch. I had seen my mom make them with a chocolate Kiss in the
center, so I figured it would work the same with the chocolate hearts. It
didn't. They melted all over the cookies, and by that point, Em and Jasper
were hovering in the kitchen like fucking buzzards on a week old carcass.
Jasper threw his arm around my shoulders playfully jabbing me in the ribs.
"Hey pretty boy, where's your apron?"
"Shut the fuck up, asshole. This is the best I can do, okay? Leave me the
fuck alone. I don't see either of you doing shit for your girls." I stood staring
at the blobs on the tray, wondering where the hell I went wrong. I had no
idea what I was doing, though the directions on the package were simple
enough, the shit wasn't working. Yeah, I was officially a pussy. I needed my
mommy.
"Can we eat those if they're all fucked up?" Emmett pointed to the tray in my
oven-mitted hand. It was covered in a pattern of pink hearts and I felt like a
total girl wearing it.
I tossed the scorching cookie sheet on the stove with a clatter. "Yeah, go
ahead. I can't give them to Bella like this."
"E...you okay?" Em asked, popping a cookie off the tray. He screamed like a
girl and muttered, "Fuck these are hot."
Well yeah, dickhead, they just came out of a 350 degree oven.
"I'm fine," I lied, rubbing a hand over my face. "I have to get this right; I
have to make this good for her...." God, I was gonna fucking lose it any
second.
"Sweetie?" We all turned when my mom appeared in the doorway. Her belly
was getting so big. It was weird to see her like that, always rubbing it
unconsciously, but kind of beautiful at the same time. "You need to put the
candy on after you take the tray out of the oven. It's too hot otherwise and
they'll melt. Do you want some help?"
I shrugged my shoulders, wanting some assistance, but too proud to ask for
it. Once the deformed cookies were removed and consequently hoarded by
my brothers, they left us alone which I was entirely annoyed with. This
would mean actually conversing with my mother, which up until that point I
was undeniably trying to avoid.
But we didn't talk about anything of consequence, and she simply stated that
she thought this was a perfect idea and that Bella would love it. I was itching
to show her the necklace I got too, but I thought that would be too much of a
proverbial olive branch and I wasn't quite ready for that just yet. I casually
asked her how she was feeling and she beamed while talking about the
baby...like actually fucking glowed. They were going to find out the sex in a
few weeks and she was so excited to be able to start buying clothes and
stuff. Truly, I was happy for them and for us as a family. It had been too long
since something good had happened to any of us.
Once we were all cleaned up, and I had everything packed up and ready for
the next day, I hesitated at the awkwardness, not knowing what to do or say
to her. So I just said, "Thanks Ma," and as I started up the stairs, she grabbed
the back of my shirt and pulled me toward her, locking me in an embrace.
She hugged me so tightly, that I felt her sorrow and her regret. She
whispered, "I love you so very, very much and I am sorry for deceiving
you."
"I love you too, Mom," was all that I could manage to reply.
And that was that.
That night, after saying a proper goodnight to Bella on the phone, I headed
out to the balcony to say goodnight to my girl in the way I had been doing
for months unbeknownst to her. At that point, it was just absurd that I hadn't
told her yet. While it still felt undeniably wrong, watching her through her
window at night was one of the few things that I had for myself, which no
one knew about, that no one could steal away from me. I smoked...she got
naked…and all was good for those three minutes when everything in the
world was right and balanced and mine alone. And then the lights would go
off and everything went to shit again.
But this night, as she started to undress I leaned over toward the railing,
eventually propping myself up on all fours and craning my neck to get a
better angle as she disappeared into her bedroom and out of view. When she
appeared again, she was just pulling her top off when I was startled by a
gasp.
Rosalie.
"Oh shit!" she exclaimed with a hand over her heart. "You scared the crap
outta me!" I hadn't even heard Em's door open or shut.
I mumbled, "Sorry," slipping back against the wall of the house, pulling my
knees up to my chin so that she could pass. I could no longer see Bella, and I
was instantly irritated that I would miss her beautiful boobies.
"Whatcha doin', Edward?" she hedged, eyebrow quirked and bag slung over
her shoulder.
"Oh uh...thought I saw an owl," I replied quickly, taking a long drag of my
practically non- existent cigarette, and pointing to a tree where I most
certainly had not seen any owl.
"Your bird watching?" she asked skeptically, shifting from one foot to
another. Her gaze shifted briefly to the trees and then back to me.
Yeah...swans.
I snorted at myself internally for that thought. Rose's hair was a frightful
mess, and in the dim light of the moon, her lips were all red...both telling
signs that my brother had just gotten laid or fellated at the very least. She
knew I knew and she was clearly embarrassed, and thank God she had that
to distract her, because the last thing I needed was Rosalie fucking Hale
privy to the knowledge that I was a pervy teenage voyeur to my own
girlfriend.
"I'm just smoking, Rose. Thought I saw something in the trees," I added
nonchalantly, aptly hiding the shaking in my voice.
"Oh, well...sorry to disturb you," she said softly, turning so that she could
squeeze by to get to the stairs. She seemed so timid around me, as though I
frightened her or something, and Rose did not strike me as the kind of girl
that was easily intimidated by anyone, particularly males. With my dark funk
lately, it wouldn't surprise me if that was indeed the case.
"You weren't disturbing me at all." I gave her a small smile, because she and
I hadn't really ever been what I would categorize as overtly friendly toward
one another. But the fact that she was both my brother's girl and my girl's
best friend, I though maybe I should at least not be an asshole toward her,
despite my foul mood.
She started down the stairs, mumbling, "See ya," with a wave. But then she
stopped, turning as I put the butt out on the wood. "Edward?" I looked up to
see her biting her lip. "I'm uh...sorry about the wedding and everything. I
can't imagine what you're going through right now and...." she shook her
head as her words disintegrated into the night air.
I nodded, surprised by her heartfelt words and embarrassed at the same time.
"Thanks, Rose." Pulling myself up to a stand, I nodded and turned, flicking
on the light that I normally kept turned off, so that she could see her way
down the stairs. "Be careful," I whispered, and went into the house.
That next day was almost exhilarating for me. Once everything was set up,
seeing Bella's face was the highlight of my whole fucking month. And then
of course her bursting into tears made me feel like shit, because I knew it
was likely that I had done something to fuck it up. But I was right...it was
the gesture that moved her to tears, not the stupid menu.
Her gifts were fucking perfect...the shirt was cool as hell and I totally
wanted the cologne. It was sort of touching that she remembered it from a
trip to the mall so long ago. Her handmade card made me all fucking misty
because it mirrored my feelings for her perfectly, and even though the pink
glitter was all over the place I couldn't even let myself be annoyed about it.
But in all the preparation, I hadn't remembered to get her a card, so I felt
kind of shitty about that, but I didn't let it ruin my demeanor.
But as the day progressed, I couldn't hold on to the good mood I had been in
and by dismissal I was spent. All I wanted to do was smoke and sleep the
weekend away, killing the hours, minutes, seconds until I was with Bella
again. Unfortunately, I had my scheduled truancy officer visit the next day,
which I failed to admit to Bella after the last time hadn't gone so well. I
didn't want her to worry unnecessarily, with all the shit she was currently
dealing with all on her own.
Later that night at dinner, when my parents announced that they were
leaving for the weekend for a funeral, I groaned inwardly as Em and Jazz's
eyes were suddenly alight with the twinkle that only an impromptu party
could create. Just the thought of the mess the next day made my stomach roll
and my fingers twitch, because as much as I always insisted I would not get
involved, somehow the after party disarray called me like a siren's song and
I was compelled to help clean. Besides the fact that I was in no mood to
socialize with the people that thought I was a freak, particularly if Bella
couldn't be there with me.
But Em and Jazz were usually diligent about throwing parties. No one was
allowed anywhere but the kitchen and main living area which was a
sufficient enough space for a large gathering. They would move all the
furniture into other rooms, lock the doors to all the rooms, and prep the
carpet cleaning machine. The only thing that was any kind of issue was my
piano, but they would cover it with a plastic sheet and throw my mom's
stupid artificial six foot tall potted trees in front of it, as though they would
be enough of a deterrent. To me personally, it was much more of a hassle
than it was worth.
~%~
The Saturday morning drive to Seattle was long and tense. I was immensely
tired and irritable due to lack of sleep and another fucked up sex dream.
Since I had to go into the city anyway, my parents asked if I wouldn't mind
driving with them so I could take the SUV back home, as it was brand new
and they didn't want to leave it in long term airport parking.
I drove in so my father could spend the time texting and making
arrangements with friends on his phone for when they arrived in Portland.
My mom sat in the back seat ticking away on her laptop, not offering much
in the way of conversation, except for an occasional plea to drive slower. As
usual, I was a nervous fucking mess, dressed in my conservative clothing
and hair all neatly parted to the side reserved for those rare occasions where
I was forced to portray someone I was not.
They waited with me in the lobby of the courthouse, awkward, silent and
just...the last place any of us wanted to be. Luckily, it went as it always did;
quick, painless, with the same standard questions issued and all the
unnecessary anxiety that accompanied the task. I was relieved beyond
comprehension, because in the back of my mind, I almost was preparing
myself to walk in that office and see the pictures of me and Bella on his
desk. But there was nothing of the sort, and it was over and done with in
record time.
Afterward, I had a late lunch with my parents in the airport, only because I
had nothing better to do, and I was not looking forward to going home.
Carlisle decided to have a few drinks, and ended up talked nostalgically
about his friend who had been killed in a car accident, leaving his three kids
fatherless. This of course, made the mood even more somber and depressing
and caused me to think about what life would be like if I had lost my own
father.
They brought up Edward and what I was planning to do regarding a visit, but
I remained ambiguous about the whole idea, because the thought worsened
my anxiety. The whole uncomfortable conversation made me want to crawl
out of my skin and go smoke up until I couldn't remember my own goddamn
name. I had been itching for some weed for the last month, but apparently,
JB was having some trouble with his suppliers who were experiencing some
sort of dry spell. He'd offered me plenty of other things...coke, meth, heroin,
ecstasy...but I declined asking him to let me know immediately when he
replenished his weed supply.
On the way home, I spoke to Bella briefly, promising that we would spend
all day Sunday on the phone pretending that we were together. If we couldn't
do the real thing, then we'd have to accept the next best. Like a fucking girl,
I had done a drive-by past Maggie's apartment, just because I needed to feel
close to Bella and I fucking missed her so goddamn much. It was stupid and
totally out of the way, but again, I was all for killing time.
The thought occurred to me to grab a hotel room in the city just to avoid the
situation at home, but I figured with it being Valentine's weekend, there
wouldn't be any rooms available anyway. Besides the fact that the last time I
had been in a hotel was for an entirely different reason, which ultimately led
to a fuckawesome blowjob, lots of tears and a seven hundred dollar repair
bill for the wall and crystal bowl I destroyed.
Em called three times asking me to pick up shit for him on my way home
and after the fourth time his name popped up on the screen, I shut the phone
off, tossing it into the passenger seat. Sometimes being the only person with
ID over twenty one in the town the size of a fucking pea was a curse, not a
blessing, and thank god only a handful of people knew, otherwise I'd be a
fucking liquor gopher every weekend. It was the last thing I should have
been doing, with the recent trailing and photos of me surfacing, but I
figured, what were the chances of it happening again, right?
After I stopped at the liquor store for the stuff Em and Jazz requested, I
bought a pack of cigarettes, refilled the tank with gas, and headed back home
with extreme dread.
If I didn't have the alcohol to deliver, I would have gone straight up the back
way to my room, simply to avoid having to deal with any bullshit. But
instead, I entered the house, already filled to the fucking brim with sloppy
drunks, and techno music coming from a makeshift set of turntables. The
overhead lights were dimmed but on the floor was a rotating colored disco
ball spinning a rainbow of spots onto the ceilings and walls.
Heads turned and people stared at me a few seconds too long before going
back to their warm cups of keg beer and lame conversation. I'd forgotten
what I looked like today...all preppy and shit, so I wondered if anyone even
recognized me at all. A cheerful wave from Makenna and perplexed stares
from Jessica and Lauren told me I was indeed distinguishable even from
across the darkened room.
I put my coat away in the front closet, idly noticing that there were a ton of
faces I was unfamiliar with, figuring they had to be from PA or Sequim
because they were way too pale to be from the Rez. Not that I even gave a
fuck, but whatever.
I cringed when I spotted Jasper in the center of the room with Alice's leg
draped over his hip grinding into her forcefully to the beat of the music. The
two of them were in constant heat and it was distressing how voracious their
libidos were.
Oh, fuck that. I would be doing the same thing if I could.
Carefully navigating my way to the kitchen with the bag of bottles in one
hand and the other gripping a case of imported beer, I found Emmett around
the center island with Rose on his lap, surrounded by a good portion of the
football team waiting patiently for their liquor. They had empty shot glasses
in front of them, yelling my name loudly when I arrived, reminiscent of
Norm from Cheers, but oddly, the boisterous welcome didn't improve my
shitty mood.
Once Emmett got the bottle opened, he slammed a shot glass down in front
of me with the bottle ready to pour. I snatched it up quickly, cleaning it with
the edge of my shirt before placing it back down on the granite. I threw my
shot back with vigor, not waiting for the rest of the group to have their
glasses filled. They wanted to do some toast but I wasn't in any mood for
some sappy shit about friends and good times.
In my periphery, three girls who were apparently not from Forks, stood and
watched, one in particular, made continuous eye contact with me. If it
weren't for her resemblance to Bella, I wouldn't have even bothered to look,
but she had the same soft brown curls that reminded me how much I missed
the girl that was not here. She would smile and I would look away
emotionless, trying not to give her the impression that I cared or had any
desire to interact with her.
Two more shots later, my throat burning and feeling the first onset on the
delicious numbness that only hard liquor could provide, I decided that I
needed to change out of my nerd wear and hit the shower. I grabbed a beer
off the counter, realizing I was lacking a bottle opener, and of course, the
staring girl was blocking the drawer that housed the utensils. I motioned to
the drawer, as I approached timidly. "Excuse me; I need to get in there."
She moved aside apologetically, about to say something but I pointed to the
case of beer I had left on the counter. "Help yourselves." With that, I cracked
open the top of the beer, nodding as I held the steel and wood opener out to
her and headed upstairs.
As I pushed open my bedroom door, the scent of Bella was everywhere,
practically assaulting me. My dick, which seemed to be directly linked up
with my olfactory senses, responded instinctively, knowing Bella was in the
vicinity. My heart started to race and I felt my hand shake slightly, as I took
another swig of beer, poking my head curiously inside while at the same
time, now shifting my raging boner. Despite my sudden arousal, my first
instinct was to be fucking pissed that anyone was in my room, and left it in
this state of careless usage.
The first thing I noticed was the black bra hanging carelessly off the wooden
foot board of my bed, and instantly, I tensed thinking that if someone was
screwing in my room there would be bloodshed. The lights were on,
annoying techno pop music was floating from somewhere and my normally
pristine comforter was wrinkled as though someone had been sitting on my
bed.
I spotted black boots and a pair of colorful socks near the bed. It was warm
and damp in the room, clearly indicative of the steam coming from my
shower. I noticed Bella's bottle of lotion sitting upright on my nightstand and
an involuntary smile crept over my face as I put two and two together and
realized that she was in all probably naked behind my bathroom door,
instantly forgiving her for making a mess of my room.
What the fuck was she even doing here?
"Beautiful?" I called out, rapping my knuckles on the bathroom door. My
tongue and lips were beginning to feel numb and I liked the sensation of the
haze that made the edginess and irritability soften. The knob turned from the
other side and when the bathroom door swung open, I staggered back a foot
when it was not Bella, but fucking Tanya staring back at me.
The disappointment was crippling. Besides the fact that I was so not in the
mood for her at the moment.
Note to self: beat the fuck out of Emmett for not warning me.
Her smile was huge, and she puckered freshly painted red lips teasingly.
"Hey, Handsome!" She moved to hug me but I blanched, pulling away from
her. She had her hair wrapped in a towel, wearing jeans and the black button
down shirt that Bella had just given me, with the shirttails tied in a knot in
front. I had hung it on the closet doorknob as a reminder to iron it before
putting it away.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I spat, pissed that she had the audacity
to come and use my room like a fucking hotel, but to wear the shirt that still
had tags on it, until she obviously pulled them off.
"Is that how you greet me? Shit, you're in a mood." She leaned into the
bathroom mirror, fringing her lashes with mascara. "Some douchebag was
grinding all up in my shit downstairs and he spilled his beer in my hair and
all over my shirt. I went looking for your mom's room for something to
change into, but all the doors were locked except this one." She furrowed her
eyebrows and smirked, pointing to my clothes. "What's this about?"
I scowled, rolling my eyes. "I had an appointment earlier. Had to look like
an upstanding citizen."
She laughed in understanding. "Yeah well...the hair does not work on
you...at all. Who died, by the way?"
"My dad's roommate from college," I replied dismissively. "Why exactly are
you here in Forks?" I leaned back against the door jam, agitatedly drinking
my beer.
She huffed, tossing her makeup into her purse and gave me an irritated stare.
"Irina met some guy from Port Angeles in some chat room or whatever, and
I wasn't about to let her hook up with a stranger, so I tagged along on her
little date. But then she was like...clearly into him and after I felt like a total
third wheel I came here to see your mom, but obviously she's not here, so...I
um...hope you don't mind that I borrowed the shirt. It's not like you don't
have three million others in that closet. It's bigger than my whole frigging
dorm room." Tanya pulled the towel off her head, running a brush through
her wet hair. "I stole a wife beater too... my bra is kind of soaked."
The thought of her perusing my drawers pissed me off to no end. I ignored
her last statements still obsessing over the shirt. If Bella fucking
knew..."Actually, I've never even worn that shirt, and it was a Valentine's
gift...from Bella," I said, glaring at her.
"Oh right...Bella." Tanya rolled her eyes sticking out her tongue. "How's that
going?"
"Don't ask," I said, not in the mood to rehash the situation. She tied her hair
back in a ponytail and shut the light. I stepped back to let her pass, when she
grabbed my beer, taking a generous helping for herself, before handing it
back to me. I glared at the bottle, and then at her, because there were now
her lovely germs on my bottle and I was suddenly no longer thirsty.
"Yeah...heard you tried to get married? Uh...really? It never ceases to amaze
me the lengths a guy will go to get some pussy," she chuckled, shaking her
head as she crossed the room.
I huffed, suppressing the urge to punch her. "It had nothing to do with sex.
It's complicated and I don't feel like fucking talking about it."
"Oookay, then." She dropped her purse onto the floor beside her boots.
"What the hell is wrong with you? There's a party going on downstairs. Why
aren't you having fun with your friends?" she said, plopping herself on the
couch like she was my goddamn roommate or something.
"I'm not in the mood to socialize. Besides, I don't have any friends," I added
with a mumble. The only important person to me wasn't here. I debated
whether to sit down on the couch or just head into the shower and tell her to
leave, but she pulled something from her purse and held it up to the light as
she squinted with one eye.
My heart began to race and my mouth literally pooled with saliva. I
swallowed it down thickly, sipping the beer as I stared with disbelief and
longing at the tiny blue vial of cocaine in her fingers.
"You want some candy?" she asked casually, as though she were simply
asking me if I wanted a handful of M&M's.
I exhaled, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, almost giddy at the
sight of it, but mentally chastising myself for getting so worked up over it.
"No thanks," I responded coolly, my jaw tight and teeth grinding together in
anticipation.
Liar.
She shrugged, screwing the cap off the top and tapping a little white bump
onto the juncture between her thumb and forefinger. She brought it to her
face plugging one nostril with a finger from the other hand as she inhaled
audibly. The sound alone made me hiss.
Tanya sniffed a few times, letting out a little pleasurable moan and she
shivered as the coke instantly hit her system. Her eyes fluttered shut and she
began humming and moving her shoulders to the music not having a care in
the world. She was fucking content and happy and feeling phenomenal.
I wanted that feeling.
I needed that feeling.
Standing frozen in the middle of my bedroom, I blatantly gaped at her, my
conscience having a mental showdown with Good and Evil. Angelward and
Devilward...
Angelward: If you did just a little you would only feel like this temporarily
and then when you come down you'll feel ten times worse. Plus you told
Bella...
Devilward cut off Angelward abruptly.
Devilward: If you did just a little, you would feel so much better and just
experience some happiness and solitude for a change. And since coke makes
you feel a sense of superiority, and you're always feeling like you're the
lowest of the low, it can only help. You deserve it. You've been through so
much...just a little bit can't hurt. No one will even know.
It was a no brainer...Devilward won.
Without bothering to find a coaster, I set the beer on the side table and said,
"Gimme." I sat next to her on the couch a good two feet away, holding out
my hand expectantly. She dropped the cobalt vial into my palm drawing her
bare feet up to her chest. Bella did that a lot. Her movement distracted me
momentarily, until I took the already open vial, tapping the powder onto my
hand, mimicking Tanya's previous actions. Just before I brought my hand to
my face, I had a moment of clarity through my alcohol induced fog.
Guilt.
I felt an immense amount of guilt.
Guilt for betraying Bella and my family and myself...
But you know what? Fuck guilt. Because all I ever did was feel like shit, and
I was riddled with shame and plagued with a fuck load of bullshit garbage
that I didn't deserve; and why the fuck my life was like this I would never
know, because I was a good fucking person and this shit wasn't fair and all I
wanted was to feel good for two fucking seconds so why...why couldn't I just
have that and not feel bad or guilty for wanting some instant gratification?
So I inhaled.
My back arched off the couch with the beautiful burn and I clenched my
fists and threw my head back against the leather as the adrenaline rush
pounded through my veins making everything clearer, fresher, less fucked
up. I turned and smiled at Tanya who was grinning at me while bobbing her
head to the music. It only took a few seconds to fully absorb the effects and I
wanted to dance and climb the fucking walls and yell at the top of my lungs
because I hadn't felt this good since...probably Bella's blow job.
My heart was thumping hard and if I concentrated hard enough I could
actually see the blood pulsing in the little blue lines under the thin skin in
my wrists, which was freaky, but it made me feel so fucking...alive.
Things got really speedy, but the good kind of speedy, making our
conversation erratic and fractured, but I don't think either of us even gave a
shit or noticed really, because we were both so high. I had this sudden
unrelenting urge to clean and organize shit, and if Tanya hadn't been there I
would have gone to town. The wrinkles in the bed were aggravating the shit
out of me, but I knew if I fixed them I would end up changing the sheets and
getting all anal over it, so I left it alone.
Tanya didn't shut the fuck up for a goddamn second. Every now and then I
had to put my finger to my lips in a silent plea for her to stop talking. We
both had the crazy grinding jaw thing going on and the sound of her laughter
and her teeth smacking together was annoying the shit out me. I had
forgotten how much blow made me intolerant of minor, insignificant details
that would grate on my nerves.
Tanya's eyes were bugging me the fuck out. They were so dilated that there
was barely a sliver of her typically icy blue showing. I could only imagine
what mine looked like. So I bolted off the couch and checked them in the
mirror. They were fucking huge! Just big black balls rimmed with pale gray.
It was utterly fascinating for about ten seconds and then the bottle of lotion
on the nightstand diverted my attention. I placed it back in the drawer, neatly
next to the lube and porn
My fingers drummed to the beat of the music on my bouncing knee, no
longer plagued with thoughts of guilt or demise or anything really. I was
numb from head to toe and it was motherfucking beautiful.
I felt like I could breathe, despite the fact that my heart was racing out of my
chest and I felt like my jaw was going to unhinge.
After a while, I got up abruptly grabbing another shirt out of my closet and
handing it to her, because the sight of her was pissing me off and ruining my
good mood. She unknotted the front, tossing it on the bed and for just a
second, I glanced at her tits, because they were covered in nothing but my
practically transparent white wife beater and it was really hard not to stare.
Plus the coke was making me fucking horny as hell, so I sat back down on
the couch shifting my semi erection and retraining my thoughts to my
girlfriend's tits which were much nicer.
Some time passed, quickly, because everything flew by on a coke high and
she did another bump and so did I and soon we were dancing in the middle
of my bedroom. Not like slow dancing or anything...like fucking jumping
around to some crazy techno shit she had on her iPod and getting all crazy. I
hadn't done that in forever and it felt so good to release the tension and
just...be. It was so fucking nice to just be free of the burdens and the drama
of what my life had become…I needed this more that I even realized. And I
wished I was doing this with my girl and not the one that was currently here.
Eventually, I was sweaty and winded and feeling disgusting when the song
ended, so I politely excused myself to the bathroom to shower. Before I went
in I said, "Hey listen, you can go downstairs and have fun. Don't let me keep
you here." She rolled her eyes and just made herself comfortable as she
stretched on the couch. It was a hint for her to get the fuck out, but I knew it
would be rude to give her the boot when she just provided me with copious
amounts of fuckawesome mood altering substance, so I didn't push it. I
hadn't touched her once and she was completely respectful of that, keeping
her distance. I huffed shaking my head.
"Do you want me to go?" she sat back up, looking so terribly rejected.
I shrugged. "I am kind of tired." The truth was I wanted to spend the
remainder of the night reorganizing my closet, knowing she'd been in there
and likely messed shit up.
"Oh bullshit, you just did two bumps of blow there's no fucking way you're
tired. Whatever, I'll go mingle with the toddlers."
I smirked at her, giving her a wave and muttering, "See ya later," as I closed
the door behind me and stripped.
The hot water felt fucking amazing as did my fingers in my scalp and I
couldn't help but rub one out thinking about Bella on her knees sucking me
off. But I couldn't come...as hard as I tried, I couldn't get there and I knew
enough that it was the drugs in my system preventing the release. It was
fucked up, really. The thing that made me rampantly horny, and gave me
concrete erections prevented me from coming. Cruel, cruel world.
When I got out, completely frustrated and wary of the impending blue balls I
was sure to be dealing with later, I dried off and realized that I was coming
down rapidly and it didn't feel very good. I was fucking loving the rare wave
of euphoria and wasn't quite ready to let it go. Wrapping a towel loosely
around my waist, I stepped out into the room, freezing when I saw Tanya
still on my fucking couch, chattering away on her phone.
The only part of me that was glad that she was still there was the part that
wanted more coke. The door was open half way, and there were two fresh
beer bottles on the side table, so I assumed she had gone downstairs and then
returned.
The sight of her phone reminded me that mine was still on my passenger
seat in the car. Fuck. I needed to text Bella before it got too late.
Her eyes widened as I stepped into the room tightening my towel. She licked
her lips suggestively holding the phone away from her ear and breathing,
"Yum." I rolled my eyes, dismissing the playful comment as I grabbed a pair
of black pajama bottoms off the shelf. I slipped them on inside of the privacy
of my closet, while at the same time taking a cursory glance to inventory the
damage Tanya had inflicted on it. As I thought, she'd made a mess out of
things.
"I thought you were going downstairs to babysit," I chuckled, resuming my
spot on the couch. The leather felt so good on the bare skin of my back, but I
couldn't fully appreciate it because I was itching for another bump. Aching
was more like it.
She ignored me while she continued to talk on the phone.
"Gimme another bump," I said wiping my mouth with the back of my
twitching hand. She shook her head no, continuing with her conversation. I
huffed in irritation. "Please?"
She covered the phone with her hand, slicing her other hand across her neck.
"No. You've had enough."
"What the fuck, Mom? Gimme another bump. Come on." I grabbed her
purse off the floor, unzipping it. She pulled it out of my hand, tossing it back
on the carpet while smacking my arm. I huffed, scrubbing my hand over my
face in annoyance. I was losing my fuckawesome euphoria and the tingles in
my spine were just about gone completely. "Tanya, come on...please."
I hated that I was fucking begging. She finally hung up the phone, tossing it
inside her bag and turned to me. "I thought you were tired?"
"Yeah, I changed my mind. Why did you come back upstairs?" I grabbed her
purse by the strap, pulling it up and into her lap with a plop.
"Because there's this guy down there who was rubbing all over me and he's
like... twelve and fucking gross." She threw her bag on the floor again. God
she was fucking irritating.
I growled, grabbing the purse again. "Tanya! Can you just fucking give me
another bump...please? Jesus." She shook her head no with a cocky smirk,
deliberately trying to piss me off. By this point the fantastic high was gone
leaving just a fucking miserable irritated shadow in its place. I knew coming
down was inevitable, but I just wanted it to last a tiny bit longer....
"Fuck this," I spat, opening her purse and rifling through it while trying to
hold it away from her, because now she was just being a bitch, and
antagonizing me. It was pretty tough to navigate blindly in a purse full of
assorted girl shit while she was lunging at me trying to retrieve the damn
bag. I normally would never go in a chick's bag, simply out of respect for
her personal property as well as fear of what I would find in there that would
set off my OCD shit, but the commandeering of her purse right now was
entirely necessary.
It had the key to my fucking happiness inside it.
"Give it back to me right now!"
"No." I nudged her away playfully with my elbow.
"I'm fucking serious, Edward!"
"Yeah well, tough shit...ah-ha!" I held up the vial victoriously while Tanya
reached for it in vain. I smirked at her sneer, trying to screw the lid off one
handed while she lunged for it.
"Come on...there's not much left and I need it to last the weekend!" she
whined, sitting up on her knees pouting while I held it over my head
snickering at her. My borrowed shirt that she had on was all disheveled,
hanging off of her elbows and making it really hard not to notice that she
still hadn't put on her fucking bra.
"I'll get you more, you pain in my ass." I finally got the lid screwed off just
as she hooked her leg around me, straddling my lap and her tits were all up
in my face as she struggled to reach the container above my head. I brought
it down for a second hovering over her shoulder, while keeping her in a
headlock just so I could tap it into my hand but as she struggled like the pain
in my ass that she was, she jarred my arm, spilling the powder over the top
of shoulder onto her collarbone.
"Fuck," I groaned. "You see what you did, goddammit? Now get the hell off
me!"
I sighed in a resigned whimper about to push her the fuck off of me when
she whined, "Well, don't fucking waste it now!" She began to brush the
scattered powder into a little lump in the dip of her collarbone. The mound
was substantially bigger than the ones we had been doing, but I thought,
fuck it, it would last longer.
She craned her neck allowing me access to the shit, while I bent down,
bringing my nose to the juncture between her neck and collarbone and fuck,
did she smell like Bella. In that fucking inconvenient Pavlovian response
thing, I felt my dick go hard in an instant from just a mere whiff of her scent
as I inhaled the powder mixed with the essence of Bella.
"Oh, that's so fucking good," I practically cooed in pleasure, throwing my
head back against the couch as let the shit hit my system, shutting my eyes,
relishing in the instant buzz it gave.
Fuck that feels so fucking good...That's all I wanted…
My heart was thumping unbelievably loudly in my chest as it directly
competed with the music coming from downstairs while completely
distracting me from even noticing or giving a shit about the weight on my
lap.
But then I heard her let out a little moan as she ground herself into me and
leaned forward nuzzling her face into my neck...I was so fucking focused on
enjoying my high, that it didn't immediately register what she was doing or
that she had clearly misunderstood my physical reaction underneath her. She
had one arm snaked around my neck and the other running her hand down
my abs.
The fucking awesome and desperately awaited sensation of the coke blasting
through my system had taken precedence over the dry hump.
"Tanya stop…" I hissed sharply, suddenly realizing what she was doing
because she obviously had misread my body language.
I opened my eyes and gasped.
No, no, no.
"You don't want me to stop and you know it," she said breathily into my ear.
Her hand jabbed inside the waistband of my pants, gripping my erection.
"Tanya, get the fuck off me!" I said in a growl, standing abruptly while
throwing her to the floor with adrenaline-induced force. She screeched as
she hit the carpet with a thud.
She punched me in the leg hard. "Edward, what the fuck did you do that
for?"
Her question was immediately answered when her gaze shifted to the
bedroom door, finally seeing what I was…
Fuck, fuck, fuck...
Bella's horrified brown eyes staring right the fuck back at us. And if looks
could kill, I would have been a fucking dead man.
"Bella wait…"
~%~

So if anyone needs me, I'll be in my sparkly pink bubble with my

blanket and my liquor and a big ol' bag of Chocolate Twizzlers.
Complaints, flames, angry insults and threats to discontinue reading the
story will be handled exclusively by my gloriously wonderful beta and
friend, Suzy.
Sorry, Suzy. Love you!
Rec:
How To Save A Life by Unholy Obsession- This fic is so frigging good,
it's been sucking up all my writing time. Dark, Angry Edward is really
messed up in this, smoking excessive amounts of weed to self medicate
and cope while grieving his teenage girlfriend Tanya, who is killed in a
car accident. He is very mean and ignores Bella who basically just wants
to help him and eventually a friendship/ relationship blooms. Angsty,
really, really well written, and just one of those fics that you will not be
able to put down. And the author is an absolute doll. Seriously...go read
it now.

Twilight belongs to SM.

Thank you so much to everyone who has Pm'd me, reviewed, sent kind
words or encouragement supporting the story and the choices I have
made concerning the characters and the storyline.
Thank you to Erika for proofing, and to Suzy for everything. You did
great with the fallout, bb.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 32~ Letting Go
Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around
White Horse ~Taylor Swift
~Bella~
I made it to Forks in just under three hours, only because I was doing around
ninety and the road was surprisingly devoid of traffic. No one was answering
their phones tonight, except Alice, but it was too loud to hear anything, so I
just sent her a text telling her I was on my way and to let Edward know.
When I turned into the block, I pulled in my driveway, quickly swiping a
fresh coat of lip gloss on, fluffing my hair and popping in a mint on my
tongue. Not that I had expected I would be doing any kissing tonight, but I
always liked to be prepared, because with Edward, things were often
unpredictable.
After excitedly sprinting down the block in heels, I managed to get to the
Cullen's gasping for breath but in one piece. The party was in full swing, so I
let myself in and I hung my gray peacoat in the foyer closet, right next to
Edward's. A smirk spread over my mouth at how cute they looked next to
one another all matchy- matchy and then I rolled my eyes at what an idiot I
was for thinking such a dumb thing. Hey, at least our coats could touch.
Pushing my way through the very drunk crowd, and cringing at the sticky
floors and red plastic cups littering the normally pristine rooms, I said quick
hellos to some of the kids from school while I scanned the living room
looking for Edward. I was hoping he hadn't seen this, because it would have
certainly pushed him right over the proverbial OCD ledge. I couldn't find
him anywhere, so I settled for the next best thing…Jasper, who was
suctioned to Alice by the lips.
Alice threw herself at me, screaming exuberantly about how excited she was
that I was on the lam. They were both pretty wrecked, but from what I was
able to make out of their drunkenly garbled words, was that Edward hadn't
been seen for a while, and was probably in his room. She sheepishly told me
that she forgot to tell him that I was coming…she was too busy getting
wasted and felt up by her boyfriend. Lucky, lucky girl.
Half of me hoped Edward was still up, eagerly anticipating the look on his
face when I surprised him. The other half, wanted to crawl into bed and
watch him sleep peacefully, touching his face reverently while he slumbered
and wouldn't know that I took advantage of him in the most innocent of
ways.
I spotted Rose and Emmett, engrossed in some sort of rowdy drinking game
that elicited a whole lot of yelling, but chose to bypass them just to get
upstairs. Rose waved like a lunatic and Emmett raised his glass to me in
acknowledgement, while screaming, "Tink!" at the top of his lungs.
As I made my way down the hall, I approached Edward's half open door
tentatively, my ears perking up at the distinct sound of arguing…two voices,
Edward…and a girl.
A fucking girl?
My heart felt as though it abruptly and violently plummeted into my spleen,
wherever the hell that was, sickening me instantly. I felt my ears grow hot as
I approached the door hesitantly, wondering who in God's name he could
possibly be arguing with and for what reason. Honestly, my first thought was
that it was maybe one of the Skank Squad who had wandered carelessly into
his room, and I totally was not in the mood for a beat down at the moment.
I never in a million years expected to see her.
~%~
I fled.
Like the coward I was, in every difficult situation that I had ever been faced
with, I ran away from it, unable to deal with the immediate confrontation,
unable to handle the emotional turmoil within.
I knew what I saw…it made me nauseous and weakened, trying to wrap my
head around the visual as I descended the stairs in a flurry of tears, fury,
frustration and immense sadness.
I needed to get away from him. Edward was following me, calling my name
as he flew down the stairs in my shadow. I only turned once, catching
enough of a glance to see Edward's half naked body chasing closely behind,
while Tanya, that fucking slut, stood at the top of the stairs, adjusting her
shirt for all of Forks High school to witness. I knew what it appeared to look
like from the outside…Edward had cheated.
But even through the agony of what I witnessed in that bedroom, and
through the rage and humiliation, I knew by the tone of his voice when he
spoke to her, by his body language and his reaction that he didn't want her
on top of him…he didn't want her hands down his pants…but they were.
And yet again, in true Edward Anthony Masen Cullen masochistic fashion,
he had put himself in a position that was completely reckless and destructive
to everyone around him, especially himself.
I pushed my way angrily through the crowded living room, having a déjà vu
from the night at the concert, all the while chastising myself for being such a
fucking coward and not dealing with the situation immediately inside. I
heard someone call out my name… Angela I think, but at that moment I
really didn't care.
Time practically stopped in the few seconds it took to make it from the stair
landing to the door as every head turned and every set of eyes burned into
me. I didn't have to look to know that they were probably more focused on
Edward and his half naked body chasing after me. At least now the rumors
were not going to revolve around him being gay. Good for him. He went
from homosexual to ladies man in one fucking moment.
What I really wanted to do was turn back around and beat the piss out of that
whore.
And kick Edward in his junk…with my pointy toed boots.
The heat of the tears stinging my eyes and the icy cold rain prickling my
face felt so appropriate to the chaos of what I was feeling in my head. The
pulsing ache in my chest was unbearable and though I wanted to keep
running home, to the safety and comfort of my cute little house just a few
hundred feet away, I couldn't make it. My physical body over ruled my mind
and I doubled over, hands on my knees, heaving and trying to catch my
breath, but failing and unable to feel anything except Edward's ice cold
hands around my waist and his agonized words, "Baby please…."
Uncurling myself from my hunched position, wriggling out of his clutch, I
whipped around and spoke the four words that I never thought would escape
my lips.
"Don't…fucking…touch me!"
His eyes went wide with hurt.
My palms flat to his chest, I pushed Edward away with all my anger as the
driving force, causing him to stumble backward into a car parked in the
driveway, not giving a fuck who saw, or what the repercussions would be
from touching him…or in this case, manhandling him. He faltered, almost
falling to the ground, but was able to catch and right himself avoiding
further humiliation. The look on his face was a laughable mix of hurt, fear,
incredulity…and shame.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Edward?" Without thinking, I stepped
forward, pushing through my panic attack, pushing through the disturbing
visuals of what I had just seen and pushing through the knowledge that my
boyfriend had been doing coke with his virginity stealing whore in my
absence. I smashed my palms into his bare chest repeatedly until he was
backed against Em's Range Rover, having nowhere else to go. I was done
running and apparently now so was he.
He didn't defend himself.
I had expected him to try to at least explain, try to tell me it wasn't what I
thought it was, that I had inconveniently walked in on the wrong thing, but
he didn't. He didn't offer an explanation; he didn't attempt to justify what he
had done.
Stepping back from him, I caught a glimpse of his face in the streetlights.
The pupils in his eyes were unbelievably huge and darting everywhere,
unable to focus on me. Edward's jaw was tense and moving rapidly from
side to side as he ground his teeth together audibly. He ran his hands through
his rain soaked hair repeatedly, in that nervous way he did when he was
stressed, only where I used to find it upsetting, I now found that it annoyed
me in the most infuriating manner.
I was pretty certain that the audience we had captured in the living room was
standing slack jawed texting like crazy about the scene before them. Just no
pictures…I was sick of dealing with fucking pictures.
The residue of white powder that had been on his nose had now been
washed away, the only trace of his sins remained in his huge eyes, his
trembling limbs and his inability to say anything that would get him out of
the mess he'd made. He looked so crazed, so desperate…just like a fucking
cokehead looked when he'd been caught. I was repulsed by the sight of
him…trembling and soaked, pants sticking to him and completely unable to
make eye contact with me, all of his beauty and the unrestrained want I felt
for him was lost in that moment.
"What?" I seethed. "You're not even going to say anything? God, you
fucking disgust me!" My words carried surprisingly far through the noise of
the downpour. Beads of water ran down my face, splashing into my mouth
and then outward as I screamed at him on his driveway. "I have absolutely
no respect for you after this. You are such a fucking disappointment. I
couldn't wait to get here to surprise you and this is what I come home to?
You with that fucking whore on your lap doing coke together? Who the fuck
are you Edward? Who is this person I am looking at right now?"
His mouth opened and closed a few times, before his eyes darted briefly to
mine and then he shut them tightly, turning away.
"I don't…I can't…fuck…I don't know…" he said, in a whisper, the words
detached and ghostly.
But the faraway look that had been in his eyes, his lack of coherent
verbalization and his emotionally void expression told me something was
not exactly right.
"Bella…I'm not…" he shook his head, the trembling in his body increasing
as he dropped to his knees, holding onto the truck tire next to him for
support. "Oh fuck…." His head was ducked under him, but I could still hear
the sharp intake of breath, which sounded like he had been underwater for
too long and was gasping for air at the surface.
Panic….
I stared at him in disgust, not willing to offer him comfort or coddling when
he needed it most, because he had just violated all of the trust I had in him.
He didn't deserve the sympathy I had once held for him.
"You fucking lied to me! How could you? How could you do this to me? I've
only ever asked you for two things Edward...stay away from her and don't do
coke. You managed to destroy all of my trust in one fucking night!"
He shook his head rapidly, erratically heaving breaths and arched back
pulsing as his hands supported his weight. His fingers ground into the
gravel, the muscles in his forearms contracting as his arms trembled beneath
him.
I sunk to the ground on my knees, ignoring his guilt and shame induced
panic attack and put my face alarmingly close to his. So close my nose was
within millimeters of his ear. He smelled of booze and...me? My lotion. The
bitch had put on my lotion.
I sneered, "Was it worth it Edward? Was she fucking worth losing me over?
Was the coke worth all of the fucking tears I've cried over you? You claim
you love me...you don't do these things to the person you love!" He just
shook his head rapidly, water dripping off of his hair, taking choked, gasping
breaths.
I leaned in close again, speaking loud enough that he could clearly hear my
words over the extraneous noises. It frightened me how angry I was, how I
barely even recognized the person I had become, feeling as though a demon
had possessed my soul, blackening it…saying these hurtful, horribly
demeaning things to the boy I loved…to the boy that betrayed me.
"I…fucking…hate…you."
It was the most venomous chain of words I had ever said to another human
before. I loathed myself for saying it to him, regardless of what he had done
or how he had made me feel. But in that moment, I meant it. I hated him for
what he had put me through, for how careless he was with my feelings...for
what he had done to himself.
"I c-c-can't b-b-r-r-e-eathe," he cried, sounding more desperate than I had
ever heard him.
It frightened me to the point that I shuddered.
Swallowing thickly, I sat back on my heels, wiping the water and gravel off
my hands, staring him down, watching as he heaved and shook…feeling so
fucking torn between what felt natural and what my head was prompting me
to do. The pull to help him was crippling, drawing me to him because he
needed me, but the anger at the betrayal I felt was holding me back at
knifepoint, threatening to cut me if I dared help him. I didn't know what to
do.
I learned that very moment that there was a fine line between love and hate.
And love was stronger.
The immense love I felt for this broken boy superseded the anger that ate
away at my insides, pride fully reminding me of what he had put me
through. I ignored it.
"Bell-l-aaaaa…p-p-l-lllleeeease. Oh God…." The words slipped shakily off
his tongue just before he twisted to the side, vomiting violently onto the
driveway. Without further hesitation, my steely resolve melted away with his
words. I held his trembling shoulders as he continued to vomit repeatedly,
choking on his own emissions.
"Edward…is this…normal? How much did you do? How much did you
drink?" I asked softly, knowing that vomiting after doing drugs wasn't
typical unless he had taken an inordinate amount. I tried to keep the panic
out of my voice as to not scare him, though I was shaking in fear myself.
"N-n-not that much," he replied in a raspy voice, still hunched over and
heaving deeply. "Some s-s-s-hots and a b-e-e-er." He was shaking so badly
that I couldn't still him with my hands.
Were these signs of an overdose? God, why did I stop watching Grey's
Anatomy?
"How much coke, Edward? How much coke did you do?"
He muttered," I don't k-k-know…enough."
In sheer desperation and panic, I grabbed my purse, rifling through it for my
phone.
"I'm calling an ambulance." As I began to dial, he grabbed my wrist turning
slowly to look at me, the first time he made steady eye contact. His eyes
were terrified.
"N-nooo, p-p-please. It's just a p-p-p-anic attack. No hospitals please." It
went against my better judgment, because he was the last person I was about
to trust. But he was shivering, out in the freezing cold and I couldn't tell
what was environmental or internal.
"I'm c-c-c-old…s-s-s-o fucking cold."
"Shit." I huffed, not thinking clearly, as I hooked my arms underneath his,
lifting him up to stand. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I hurried him
through the pelting rain, not even daring to go back the way we came.
Though for a very brief dark moment, part of me wanted to parade his
pathetic, drowned rat ass in front of the school like a living breathing (or in
this case labored breathing) PSA on drug abuse.
Look at Edward Cullen, kids…drugs are bad. Just say no.
Instead, I ushered his still trembling body up the back staircase supporting
his massive weight, trying not to gag at the rancid stench of vomit on him. I
knew I should have gotten him medical attention, but I honestly don't know
why I didn't insist on it. I was scared, I guess, and stupid...very fucking
stupid.
"She better be the fuck out of your room or I'm gonna put her ugly face
through the goddamn door," I mumbled. Edward groaned in response while I
grabbed my keys from my purse, jingling them to locate the one he'd given
me to his back slider.
"Why the hell isn't the light going on?" I mumbled, wondering why the
motion sensor light wasn't illuminating the balcony like usual. Edward
braced himself against the house, sagging a bit with his eyes tightly shut as I
struggled to open the door. Once we were inside, he collapsed to the floor,
leaning with his back against the bed, shaking harder than ever. My mind
went blank, first in relief that there was no longer any trace of the virginity –
stealing whore, and then clearing any thoughts but the ones that persevered
to help Edward get through this…whatever the fuck he was dealing with. I
still had a nagging feeling that I should have thrown him into my car and
driven him to the hospital regardless of what the repercussions were, but I
just didn't want to make a huge case out of this, if it was nothing but a panic
attack. But, God if something else should happen…I could never forgive
myself.
I flicked on the switch to his fireplace, feeling the immediate heat as it
roared to life, while I went to the bathroom to retrieve dry towels and a wet,
soapy washcloth to wipe the vomit off of his skin. I almost slipped on the
tiled floor in my haste, so once I draped a towel over his head rubbing gently
to dry his dripping hair, I pulled off my destroyed boots and tossed them in
front of the fire to dry. He was shaking so badly, holding his arms tightly and
rocking. Edward's teeth chattered audibly along with breathy gasping
sounds. I cringed when I noticed his lips held a slightly purple tinge to them.
I searched the closet for his pajama pants and a thermal shirt, thinking that
would be the warmest option. I grabbed a shirt for myself, and my yoga
pants from his tee shirt drawer that I remembered I had left here a while
back. My eyes darted for a moment to his couch, instantly igniting the rage
again, but I chose to snuff it back down until I could properly face it at a
more appropriate time. Just as I was about to put his shirt over his head, he
covered his mouth, scrambling to the bathroom making it to the toilet in the
nick of time.
I draped the fallen towel over his shoulders again to retain the warmth while
he clutched onto the toilet, hurling in rough, painful sounding spurts. I was
at a loss, not knowing what I should do, just trying to remember what my
mom did when I got sick.
When Edward seemed done, I wiped his mouth and face down, kneeling
beside him. I gave him some mouth wash which he used generously and
then spit into the toilet. He still couldn't look at me, but as I tenderly dragged
the warm rag down his neck and chest he whimpered a soft, almost
inaudible, "Thank you." Somehow, I knew it was meant for a lot more than
cleaning him off.
Edward managed to get himself back into the bedroom on his own, while I
gathered his dry clothes, sitting in front of him. It was so weird having my
body on autopilot, as I touched him everywhere necessary without hesitation
or thought or fear of consequence. This was for necessity, not pleasure.
And for the few seconds that he was completely naked after I pulled off his
soaking wet pants, I didn't even think dirty or inappropriate thoughts at the
sight of his peen or his ridiculously glorious body that called to me. His skin
was so blisteringly cold that he didn't flinch when my freezing hands slid up
his thighs and around his butt as I pulled up his flannel pants and tied the
drawstring. As soon as he was dressed, I changed into dry clothes and
tugged him onto the bed wrapping us both in his comforter.
Edward immediately curled into my side, laying his head just over my
breast, wrapping his legs in between mine, and clutching the hem of my shirt
in his tightly clenched fist. He continued to tremble, even as I rubbed his
back, and slid my fingers through his damp hair trying to be as soothing as I
possibly could. He smelled like soap and shampoo and my lotion, a heavenly
combination, if only for another reason.
Every so often, I would ask him if he was warm enough or thirsty or
generally okay, and he would shake his head yes or no, not answering me
with words. I asked him if he wanted me to put on music to drown out the
garbled shit that was seeping through the walls from downstairs, but he
shook his head, quietly whispering, "Please don't leave me."
It broke my heart.
It was only when we could hear the distinct sound of piano tinkling over the
thumping of the music that Edward stiffened, and pressed his face into my
chest with a groan while tightening his grip on my shirt. The tinkering with
his piano stopped as quickly as it started and Edward relaxed again.
I wanted so much to talk to him, to ask him all of the questions that were
floating aimlessly around my head, but I knew he wasn't capable of
answering. And while I was cuddling with him and stroking his hair and face
tenderly out of sheer necessity, I couldn't shake the anger that I had set aside.
It was still there, still festering in my brain, lashing at me for even giving
him this much of myself, after he took everything away from me.
A few hours passed and Edward's shaking subsided substantially, but his
hand continued to fist around my shirt and he sniffed like every thirty
seconds, a clear side effect from the drugs. I tried to not allow it to annoy
me, but for that relentless thirty-second cycle, it was another reminder of the
reason why he was doing that. Occasionally I would look down at him
thinking he had fallen asleep, but he was still wide eyed, staring at nothing
in particular, saying nothing to me.
I wondered what was going through his mind. I wondered if he even had a
clue as to how what he had done would affect his life, if he felt guilt or
shame, or even remorse, and I wondered why he allowed himself to
succumb to the allure of it. I remembered how he looked at the Halloween
party when it was offered to him, and then later how he admitted that he
wanted it badly. I suppose it never went away, the craving and the desire to
let it take you from wherever bad place you are. I understood that, though I
couldn't fathom being so attracted to something that would cause me to do
such reckless and stupid things.
Well, maybe I should reconsider that statement. Because certainly I knew
what it was like to be so attracted, so inherently enamored, engrossed and
encompassed by something that I'd been willing to cast everything aside
for…only my drug was another human being, and the addiction was my love
for him.
I spoke aloud before even realizing I was doing it. "Edward? Did you buy
the drugs?"
He shook his head no, closing his eyes.
"Did Tanya give them to you?"
He shook his head yes and I stiffened.
That fucking cunt.
"Did you ask her to bring it, or did she just have it?" I had no idea why the
fuck she was even here. I mean, Edward could have asked her to come to the
party. He was in Seattle earlier that evening. I wondered if he picked her up,
if she intended to stay the night…if it was planned or spontaneous. My
thoughts were assaulting my mind with questions and scenarios, trying to
brain wash it into thinking terrible malicious thoughts.
His voice almost startled me. It was inaudibly low and raspy…sad. "She had
it and asked me if I wanted some. I told her no at first, but then…I was so
fucking depressed, I thought it would… help…." he shook his head. We
were both quiet for a while again, when I asked him how he was feeling. He
whispered that he was thirsty and he needed to pee.
With my phone in hand and a promise to return immediately, I headed down
the back staircase that led to the kitchen, stopping half way down to dial
Charlie's number. I wasn't about to blow my curfew or his trust on the first
night that I was free, so I felt obligated to call him, praying that he wouldn't
be an asshole about me staying out for the night.
I explained what was mostly true…that I was at a party, the only person
sober, and my friend was sick, so I was spending the night to make sure
nothing happened. He asked no further questions, but I could tell in his
wavering tone that he was slightly suspicious. Before he hung up, he told me
he loved me and that he trusted me. It cut me a little knowing he said those
things when I had omitted some very key elements, but really, I couldn't
have left Edward by himself here in his shattered state with no one sober to
watch over him. That would have been reprehensible on my part, regardless
of what he had done to me.
That was what I kept telling myself, anyway.
At the end of the stairs, I came to a dead halt when I realized that I wasn't
going to be getting in and out of the rowdy, crowded disaster of a kitchen
easily. Rose and Alice assaulted me with questions, because obviously the
rumor was that Edward had chased me outside half naked and we were
fighting, but it seemed that Tanya's involvement hadn't really been noticed.
I brushed their inquisitions off as I made my way to the fridge to grab a large
bottled water, knowing the story was too long to tell and I was certain that
Edward didn't want everyone to know what he had done. I promised I would
talk to them later the next day, because I needed to get back upstairs to
Edward, just telling them that he was sick and leaving it at that. But as they
were giving me drunken girl hugs and professing their undying love and
devotion to me, it was then that I saw her... leaning up unassumingly against
the sink talking to Mike Newton.
My throat suddenly went dry and I shrugged the girls away, shoving the
water into Alice's hands as I stalked forward with a motherfucking
vengeance.
I honestly didn't know I had it in me, though I could definitely identify
where it came from. I mean, I had never been in a fight, and had always
looked at those girls who tore out hair and scratched faces while screaming
profanities as…well, classless, embarrassing and shameful. A lady would
never do such a thing.
However, as I got closer to Tanya, she raised an expectant eyebrow…
fucking challenging me. And the cracking sound of my hand colliding with
her face was surprisingly satisfying. So much that, in an attempt to satiate
my thirst for vindication, I hit the other side of her face knocking her drink
all over her…all over Edward's shirt. I watched with a grin as the two red
handprints slowly crept over her cheeks while her face twisted in horror.
Now that was fucking fulfilling.
I wasn't astute enough to avoid her retaliation, as her hand came up and
shoved me angrily as she screamed, "Who the fuck do you think you are
hitting me?"
I pushed her right back, proudly standing my ground, but unfortunately,
Emmett had scooped me up into his arms, while Rosalie, caught Tanya
around the neck, gripping her ponytail so that her face was titled upright.
She whispered something in Tanya's ear as she struggled under her vice-like
grip. Rose was such a badass. I was kind of jealous for a second…if not a
whole hell of a lot grateful.
"How dare you?" I screamed, not allowing her to scare me, especially taking
advantage of the fact that she was being held down. "How fucking dare you
give that shit to him when you know he had a problem?" My teeth were
gritted and I felt beads of sweat gather on my brow. All the movement and
activity in the kitchen had come to a complete halt, all eyes turned on me. I
felt the panic begin to choke my chest and throat, but once again, I stuffed it
back down not allowing it to suffocate me. My heart was pounding, my
whole body was electrically charged with adrenaline.
"You are such a naïve little girl. Edward's a big boy now. He can handle
himself. What are you trying to do…be his mommy?" She smirked, wincing
and cursing when Rose snapped her ponytail back.
"Fuck you, you stupid whore. Do you give a shit at all about him, or do you
just want to get him high and fuck him?" Audible gasps could be heard for
miles.
"Oh please. You have no idea what you are even talking about. I love him
like a little brother. I'd do anything for him, and he feels the same way about
me." She sneered, obviously thinking she had the upper hand here.
"Really? You'd give coke to your little brother when you known he has a
drug problem, and while he's been drinking and on prescription medication?
You are a real doll, Tanya."
"Oh fuck you!"
"What the fuck Tanya...you gave him coke? Is he okay?" Emmett asked as
he turned to me in a panic.
"No, he's completely fucked up. And it's completely her fault." I pointed my
finger at her accusingly, while Jasper shared a quick glance with Emmett and
bolted up the stairs. Then everyone was yelling at Tanya, calling her an
asshole and other lovely derogatory names. I felt terrible for outing Edward
so publicly, but I wasn't thinking straight at the time.
While she was being verbally flogged, Emmett pulled me aside, asking me
what had happened. I gave him the abridged version of the story as I walked
in front of him up the stairs. We found Jasper and Edward on the bed both
sitting cross legged. Edward was hunched over, with his face in his hands,
while Jasper rubbed his back affectionately. E's eyes lit up when he saw the
water, his hand reaching out as I handed it to him. In several audible gulps,
he drank almost the whole bottle while we watched in awe.
Then, while his brothers talked quietly to him for a bit, I gathered all the wet
clothes, putting them into the bathroom hamper, and straightening the
bathroom just to keep busy as well as to keep him from obsessing over it. I
hung up the shirt I had given him for Valentine's Day, which was lying on
the bed, wondering why it smelled of my lotion. When I realized that she
had likely been wearing it, I kicked it under the bed angrily and resumed
cleaning up, tossing shit around, dumping the full beer bottles into the sink.
Edward's eyes never left me.
When I had finished reconstructing the room, I scrubbed a hand over my
face, wanting to sleep as the waning adrenaline eventually tapered off.
Jasper and Emmett stood then, giving Edward man hugs and ruffling his
hear playfully. Before they left, Jasper paused asking, "Do you want us to
stay?"
I smiled meekly, sighing. "No thanks, I uh…I have to do this myself." They
both thanked me as I shut and locked the door behind them.
I clambered onto the bed, ducking under the covers, as Edward immediately
assumed his former position at my side again. He was no longer shaking, but
he looked like pure shit…pale, tired, drawn…spent. As pissed as I was at
him, I still devoured the feeling of him molded into my side, his legs and
feet entangled with mine, his hand now tracing patterns on my stomach
where the shirt had ridden up. I could have stopped him because it was a
very intimate moment, but I didn't want to because, not only did I love the
way it felt, but I knew that it was going to end eventually.
We didn't speak a word to each other. I had the feeling that Edward wanted
to say something to me, but couldn't find the words or maybe it was that he
was too exhausted to explain, and it went without saying that I was too
emotionally drained to listen. I thought our remaining time was better spent
silent anyway.
I wanted to treasure the moment despite the fact that it was so severely
tarnished. It was only when I felt my shirt suddenly warm that I looked
down, and noticed that there was a large wet spot on the fabric underneath
his face. I thought he had fallen asleep and snotted or drooled on me, but
when I realized it was in fact tears, I felt compelled to do something. It was
in my nature to offer him comfort when he was sad. I couldn't deny this to
him or myself one last time.
I slid down so that we were face to face, our noses barely touching, much
like we had done on the night we shared our first, "I love you's", the night
we were to be married. I let my fingers trace the trail of his tears down his
cheeks, over his closed lids, over the bridge of his nose, against his
quivering lips and chin.
I tried to remember all of the many beautiful moments of the past six
months, not the one night that ruined it all.
With closed eyes, he whispered, "I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry," and I
just nodded, pressing my forehead into his. I brushed my lips against his
ever so softly, so barely touching…so intimate. But the act this time as I
pressed my lips to his, tasting slightly salty from the tears, it was entirely
different for me.
This time, I was saying good-bye.
I watched as the tears tapered off, and his lids shut, eventually allowing
sleep to take him. I snuggled into him linking his fingers with my own,
intertwining them for the last time.
When I woke the next morning, the reality of what had happened sunk in
quickly and I knew if I didn't leave immediately, I would probably never
have the courage to go. I placed a reverent kiss on his temple, slunk out of
bed and gathered my things without looking back. I was almost in the clear
when I heard the sheets rustle and Edward's raspy, sleep wracked voice.
"You're leaving?"
I bit my lip, looking away from him and nodded minutely.
His voice grew an octave higher. "Are you coming back?"
I shook my head no, casting my eyes toward the floor. I couldn't look at his
face.
"Bella?" His voice was high pitched squeak. I realized that he thought since
I had stayed last night, that he assumed he was forgiven.
"I need to go, Edward.
"Please, please don't leave." He was sitting up, grabbing a fistful of hair.
In an act of closure, I slid off my ring and placed it on his dresser top. It
made a tinny sound when the two silver bands clinked together.
True Love Will Wait.
Did it really? Did it really wait?
Edward got off the bed, stumbling toward me, his eyes so full of pain that it
made my heart hurt. "No, no please…put it back on, Baby, put it back on."
I swallowed thickly, holding back the tears that had been begging to come
since last night.
"I can't. I... have to go."
Then I shut the door, leaving him standing in the middle of his room alone.
~%~
The tears poured out of me like an open faucet as I loped home through the
misty morning air. I discarded my clothes, letting the warmth of the shower
soothe and comfort my body temporarily. After I dressed in comfortable
clothing, I sent a text to Emmett and Jasper, telling them that I left and that
they should keep watch on Edward for the day. Valentine's Day. Ironic that I
would be spending it alone after all.
Then I popped a Xanax and a Zoloft, shut off my phone and slept.
I dreamed of trying to dial a phone that was missing keys, frantically
pressing buttons but never getting through. I woke up frustrated and irritable,
knowing that there was a very deep meaning behind the seemingly random
dream.
I slept so long that when I woke up it was dark outside and I was ravenous,
but had no appetite. I had several missed calls, mostly from Rose and Alice,
one from Charlie telling me that he was checking that I got home okay, and
that Maggie said "Yes." I smiled a little, but couldn't bear to call him back.
Rose and Alice were hounding me to let them come over to talk. I sent them
both texts saying that they could come over after their dinner plans or
whatever they had going on for Valentine's Day. I didn't want them to have
their nights ruined because of my sadness.
Edward hadn't called and I was glad.
They showed up around nine, with an ugly stuffed monkey clutching a heart
and lots of hugs for me. Rose stood in my bedroom doorway shaking her
head.
"Al, she's listening to Taylor Swift surrounded by a million candy wrappers.
It's worse than we thought." Though she was joking, the sight of them
dressed up so pretty and smiling sparked up the tears again. They both laid
in bed with me, as I cried, listening to the whole story rehashed, even though
they had heard it from Em and Jasper after Edward had already told them
everything.
It hurt to talk about, especially since I wasn't certain what had happened
between Edward and Tanya. I was still holding onto the piece of me that
believed it was just playfulness that had gotten out of hand. The question
wasn't whether he loved me. It was whether he loved me enough…and I was
terrified of the answer to that.
"Em said Edward was in his room all day, sleeping. They checked in on him
every few hours and then he eventually came down just as we were leaving
to dinner. I think he thought we'd already left because I know he wouldn't
have wanted anyone to see him like that. Bella…he's so fucking broken. He
couldn't even look at us. He sat at the table and pushed a spoon around in a
bowl of cereal with tears in his eyes. It was the saddest thing I have ever
seen. I mean, I am so pissed at him for being such a jackass but still…."
Rose, stroked my hair. I didn't know how to respond to it.
Alice added softly, "Just for the record, Jasper said that Edward insisted that
he didn't cheat on you. He said that Tanya thought he was all hot for her,
when he just wasn't. I kind of believe him, Bella. I've seen how Edward
looks at you. I don't think he would ever cheat on you, especially with that
twatwaffle."
I sighed a small breath of relief hearing that, though it wasn't nearly enough
to placate me. I had thoroughly convinced myself that he didn't cheat, that
his blatant display of displeasure with her on his lap was enough for me to
see that what he had done wasn't to deliberately hurt me. I was still so angry
at him.
"Speaking of twatwaffles…" Rose's voice beamed. I wiped my nose with a
tissue and looked up at them both grinning.
"What?"
"After you went back upstairs, Alice here, went all fucking Tasmanian
Devil-Mighty Mouse on the bitch's ass. I mean like full on hair puling,
scratching, name calling cat fight. It was fucking epic!" Rose giggled, giving
Alice a high five, while Alice just beamed. She blew on her manicured
fingernails rubbing them on her dress nonchalantly.
"My first girl fight…didn't leave with so much as a scratch. The Skank
however…is gonna need some Band-Aids. Oh and maybe some Rogaine. So
sad."
I laughed for the first time in what seemed like forever and God did it feel
good. The laughter turned into guffaws and then hysterics as Alice described
in detail the events of the Skankorific beat down. But it didn't last.
They left, and shortly after, my phone rang with Alicia Key's Love Is My
Disease…Edward's ringtone. As I silenced the ring with a very heavy heart, I
thought about how I needed to replace the song immediately.
I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't bear to hear him apologize one more time,
and I couldn't handle the shaking in his voice when I knew he had been
crying. I needed time.
I spent the next day thwarting phone calls from Edward. At one point, he
even came knocking at my door, begging through the other side to let him in.
My knees buckled and my heart sank wanting to open the door and let him
back in my life…not that he had ever left it. But I stood my ground, swiping
tears away from my face on the other side, sliding down the door until I
knew he was gone.
After that he sent multiple texts.
I love you.
I miss you.
Please talk to me.
I can't take this anymore. Please. Please call me.
Knowing I needed some strong advice, I took a deep breath. Not knowing
where else to turn, I called my old therapist in California. My experience
with Dr. Greene was cut short when I moved, but I trusted her and I knew
she would keep whatever I told her confidential.
So I told her everything.
And while she remained for the most part impartial, and kept her voice even
toned and professional, she had a daughter my age and I just knew that my
story hit home emotionally. She gave me a great deal of excellent advice,
most of it I didn't particularly want to hear, but needed to regardless. The
stuff about how I had been enabling him and influencing his inability to
touch me by encouraging it, kind of pissed me off, even though she was
right. But the one piece that stuck with me was that Edward needed time to
heal…alone. She said he never should have had a girlfriend in the traditional
sense, knowing it would be so difficult for the both of us to deal with
abiding by the restrictions. And I already knew that fact a long time ago. I
suppose he did as well, considering he was always so eager to remind me
that I could go at anytime.
And so now, after all the times he told me that I didn't have to be in this
relationship, that I wasn't the one stuck in the shitty situation and he was…I
was the one to leave in the end anyway. Because as much hell as this was for
him, it was for me as well. Having Edward as a part of my life, as the
biggest, most intense part of my life was taking its toll on my mental health
and well being, particularly my rise in anxiety. I knew for a while that what
we were doing wasn't healthy, but I chose to ignore it because of how much I
needed him and how much I thought I was helping him cope. God was I
wrong.
He told me repeatedly that I was the only thing in his life that made him
happy, yet my presence in his life was the one main thing that was making
his anxiety and depression worsen. And knowing this, knowing how much
being together was hurting both of us, I had no choice but to let go. I had to
let him go.
I knew I would have to face him eventually and that my ignoring him was
probably killing him, but I couldn't bring myself to say the words in person
because I was so afraid to back out. One look in those mesmerizing green
eyes and I was his. But I was scared to let go…scared to live a life without
him in it. And I was too fucking scared to see his face when I told him that it
was over, and equally as afraid when I had to face another day without him.
Back at school on Tuesday, terribly depressed and edgy, I was petrified
having to face Edward after I'd been so childishly avoiding him. But after his
absence in fourth period, I felt immense relief in knowing that he had stayed
home. And then guilt, because I was most likely the reason he didn't show.
But the most fitting description was that I felt disappointed, because as much
as I had wanted to prolong the inevitable, I still longed to see his face. There
wasn't a second that went by where I wasn't thinking about him, wishing he
were here, and then thankful that he wasn't. But bottom line was that I
missed him, and I knew that would never change.
But at lunch, Jasper just told me that he was really down and not feeling well
enough to come to school. It wasn't hard to figure out that he not only didn't
want to face me, but all of the people gaping at him from the party as well. I
didn't blame him for not coming to school, as I wouldn't have wanted to
come either.
Angela asked if I wanted to help her with the bake sale that afternoon, and I
agreed almost eagerly, knowing that anything was better than being by
myself, having to deal with Edward's absence. The day dragged on, and
finally, after gym, she and I drove to the supermarket to pick up baking
supplies needed to make a million frigging chocolate chip cookies. The
thought of the cookies made me tear up; reminding me of Edward's sweet
lunch, but Angela cleverly distracted me, changing the subject every time.
She told me that since she and Ben had been together they had broken up
three times, once for about three months and she was miserable. She was
teaching me how to cope, and I whole heartedly appreciated it.
My mind had been occupied temporarily with a story that Angela was telling
so emphatically, so much that I didn't even see Esme approach. She hugged
me beaming, and I couldn't help but reach out and touch her protruding
belly. She was huge compared to the last time I saw her. It occurred to me by
her nonchalant behavior that she had no idea what had happened.
"Edward's here somewhere," she said, waving her hand casually and looking
around.
He was here? In Ron's Food Mart? With his mom?
I swallowed, looking at Angela for help, when out of nowhere; Edward
rounded the corner, slowly pushing a grocery cart. He froze when he saw
me, his eyes widening and his mouth opening a little. He adjusted the brim
on his baseball hat, obviously uncomfortable in awkwardness of the
situation. My heart went wild, thumping hard in my chest, thankful for
Angela's presence.
I was sort of stunned at his appearance…he was dressed in sweats and a gray
hoodie I had never seen before under his open coat. Edward never left the
house in sweats, even to run to get cigarettes. By the look of the thick
blondish tinged stubble on his face, I was guessing he hadn't shaved since
Saturday, and his eyes were puffy with prominent dark circles underneath.
"Hi," I said first.
He shuffled his feet before he responded simply, "Hey."
It was so awkward.
Esme promptly said goodbye, excusing herself to finish the shopping,
leaving the three of us standing there in this weird alternate 'Edward wearing
sweats in the grocery store with his mother and not having shaved' universe.
"I'm gonna grab the eggs, Bella. I'll meet you back here?" she hedged,
wanting to give me time alone with him. I grabbed her arm roughly, forcing
her to stay and support me.
"Are you going home after this? Can we talk?" he asked quietly, his voice
almost pleading with me. God, his eyes were so sad and marble gray like my
dismal mood. "Please?" he whispered.
"I have to do this bake sale stuff with Angela now, but…I'll be home around
eight or so. I'll call you, okay?"
He nodded tentatively with a small smile. Hope? Had I just given him false
hope. This was killing me slowly.
Angela and I waved goodbye, paid for the cookie ingredients and then I
cried all the way to her house while she gave me encouraging words of
advice. I dreaded this with all that I had.
When I pulled into my empty driveway at five minutes after eight, I wasn't
all that surprised to see him sitting on my front porch swing with a cigarette
in his hand. He wasn't allowing me to back out of this or extend it any more.
He had changed into jeans and a shirt, but he still wore the baseball hat on
his head and the skin on his face was now smooth. I noticed that he was
wearing a necklace tucked under his shirt…it was just a thin black leather
cord, but I had never seen it before. His eyes were red and puffy…he'd been
crying. My baby had been crying.
Keep your resolve, Bella. Be strong.
He stood when I approached, wordlessly following me into the house.
I sighed, talking a seat on the couch, drawing my knees up to my chin. He
sat on the opposite end of the couch, leaning forward on his elbows.
"How do you feel?"
"Honestly, like shit," he sniffed. "My parents found out what happened
tonight. My father laid into me…and my mom…." he trailed off, shaking his
head and licking his lips.
"They want me to see a drug counselor or some shit."
I inhaled and let out a long breath.
"I think that might be a good idea," I said, cringing. He snorted, rubbing his
hand over his eyes.
"Whatever. I don't have a drug problem, okay? I was feeling like shit and I
missed you so goddamn much so I did it to feel not so fucking depressed and
it was fucking stupid. It won't happen again. Ever."
"That's good to hear." I didn't entirely believe it though. "I didn't mean what
I said the other night."
"About what specifically, Bella? You said quite a lot of things." He turned to
me, clearly confused.
"I don't hate you. I was really angry with you, but I don't hate you."
"Why did you stay with me Saturday night?" he asked, staring at me with
confusion. His voice had a hard edge to it, like he was angry.
"Because…I couldn't leave you there alone like that. You needed a friend, so
I took care of you."
"A friend?" he scoffed. "Is that what you are now…a friend?" He looked
away shaking his head. "Well, if I didn't tell you before…thank you." He
sighed. "Listen, I know you probably won't believe this, but the thing with
Tanya…nothing happened, I swear to God on my life. She climbed on my
lap trying to get the shit from me and I don't know, she thought I was like,
coming on to her or whatever, but I fucking wasn't in any way. And then you
walked in…it just looks so bad. I would never cheat on you, Bella. I love
you…so fucking much," his voice broke at the end. "I would never hurt you
like that."
You already did.
I steeled myself for the hurt that was about to come. "Edward, aside from
what happened Saturday, I think we just need to take some time away from
each other. I think that us being together, or trying to be together because we
can't is just too much for us right now. I went through an entire bottle of
Xanax in a month when it usually takes me six months to get a refill. It's
just…red flags, you know? I feel like the universe has been telling us this is
wrong from the very beginning, and now, I think I believe it."
He slid down closer to me, grabbing my hands in both of his…desperate, so
desperate.
"Bella, this isn't wrong…we can fix this. We've been through so much
together and I know we can do this. We can go to counseling or something."
I looked at him in disbelief. "Are you serious? You want to go to couples
counseling? We're sixteen…dating six months and we haven't even had sex
yet. If we need couples counseling, don't you think that says something is
very wrong here?"
"I think we have a fucked up relationship, because we're in a fucked up
situation. I'm dealing with it the best I can. Okay, maybe Saturday night
wasn't the best way, but I want to fix it, Baby, I need to fix this. I know I can
somehow, just please let me try…." He brought my hand up to his mouth
and kissed it.
"I don't think anything can be fixed right now. On the night that you told me
you loved me, you made a promise to me Edward, that you wouldn't do coke
and you broke it. I can't…I can't forgive you for that betrayal. Not right
now."
He looked at me from under his lashes. "Bella…. I never promised you
anything. I said I wouldn't do it, but I never promised."
I pulled my hands away from his grasp and gritted my teeth. "So, what? I am
supposed to let this go on a technicality? You should be forgiven because of
semantics? Edward, are you serious?"
"Fuck, Bella…I know I was wrong, okay? Tanya shouldn't have been in my
room. I told her to leave and she did, but then she came back. I don't know
how to fix this. Fuck, I don't know how to do anything right. I feel like I just
keep fucking up over and over and disappointing everyone that loves me,
and I can't stand the thought of you not trusting me."
"Well, I don't," I whispered. "She touched you. Her hand was in your pants,
Edward." I looked away, disgusted at the instant visual it gave me. It would
take years to burn that image form my memory.
"Please, Bella. I know what I did was really fucking wrong, but I have to
find a way to make it up to you. Please let me make it up to you. Please?"
"Edward…I don't even think it's about that anymore. You need to be by
yourself right now…figure out this stuff on your own without having a
relationship to complicate what you're going through. Having me in your life
is making you so depressed that you are doing reckless things just to cope,
and I can't sit by and watch you do things like this, knowing I have
contributed to it. I just can't." I tear slid down my cheek. Without hesitation,
Edward wiped it away with his thumb.
"So, you're breaking up with me for my own good, is that it?" he asked with
furrowed eyebrows. His voice cracked with disbelief.
I shrugged. "And mine. This is too much for me to handle right now. I feel
more anxious and frustrated than I did back in California, and I came here to
get away from that. The bottom line is that I have happily and willingly
given up so much to be with you, and you disregarded my feelings to satisfy
your own immediate wants and needs. But we're kids, Edward. And I don't
think a relationship should be this much work. It should be fun…and I'm
not…having fun."
He held his forehead in his palm, suddenly snapping his head up. "Who have
you been talking to?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, taken aback by the brusqueness of his tone.
"A therapist? My therapist? I know you didn't come up with that yourself.
That's what a fucking shrink would say!" He snapped at me. I knew from
what I read on the internet medical site that moodiness was one of the side
effects of coming down from a binge.
"Are you saying that I'm too stupid to figure that out by myself?" I asked
angrily.
"God…fuck, Bella… no…I'm sorry. I'm just edgy, and that totally sounds
like something Dr. Kate said to me a while back."
"See? She agrees with that too." He scowled at me. "I spoke to Dr. Greene
back home." Edward's eyes widened in fear. "I didn't tell her your name or
anything and I trust her to not report you or anything, so don't worry. I just
needed someone professional to talk to, and she thinks we should take a
break. She says this isn't healthy for us, to be torturing ourselves like this."
His eyes narrowed. "So that's it? We're done?" I watched his throat bob as he
swallowed, tears welling up in his eyes.
I exhaled, looking away. A fat tear streamed down my cheek, landing onto
my shirt with a splash.
Oh God, oh God…just say it.
I took a deep breath and released it slowly as another tear streamed down my
cheek.
"Yes."
Edward gasped. "Bella, please don't do this. I love you so fucking much and
I don't know how to be…without you." A choked sob came from his throat.
He looked at me with such desperation, just trying to hold onto whatever he
could. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. I never thought it would
be like this. I never imagined the pain would hurt so much.
He sobbed into my shoulder as I wrapped my arms around him so tightly.
"Edward, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you." For a second, I thought that
maybe, just maybe we could do this. Maybe I could forgive him and we
could work this out, but then the image of Tanya on his lap flashed through
my mind and I knew it was the best thing. Edward needed to get his shit
together before I could even think of trusting him again…if I ever could.
"I hurt you…I'm always hurting you. I thought over the last few days that
you just needed time. I wasn't prepared for you to leave me like this. I can't
imagine that tomorrow I'll wake up and you won't be my girl." I pulled his
hat off, laying it on the couch beside me, so I could run my fingers through
the back of his soft, messy hair. He nuzzled my neck, leaving hot tears on
my skin and quiet sobs that I would never ever forget the sound of for the
rest of my life.
It was a long time before he pulled away. I didn't let go and he didn't retreat,
the both of us afraid to lose that last physical treasured connection that tied
us together. It didn't escape me that the most we'd ever touched in six
months was over the past two days…when we were breaking up. That was
really rather fucked up.
Edward finally did pull away, wiping his hands over his face and putting his
hat back on.
He stood up, putting his hands awkwardly in his pockets.
"I don't know what to say right now, Beautiful," he whispered in a shaking
breath. My heart ached at the use of my nickname. "I don't want to go… I
don't want to leave you…."
I stood, not really wanting him to go either. All of my hopes and dreams and
my love was walking out that door with him, and I wanted to drag him
upstairs and snuggle with him forever until we were old and gray.
"You know I love you, right?" I said looking up at his broken expression.
He nodded, quietly adding, "I'm so sorry for disappointing you."
That was the last thing he said before he left.
I shut off the lights in the living room and watched Edward slowly walk
home through the front window. Once he was out of sight, I changed into
pajamas, washed off my face and got into bed, cradling the framed photo of
Edward that was on my nightstand. I kissed the picture, and then slid it to
the back of the drawer, unable to look at it any longer.
Dear God,
Please watch over Edward and give him whatever he needs to heal.
Please…give me the strength to get through this.
Amen.
That was the last night I spoke to God.
~%~

I know you all probably think that Bella let him off too easily, but this is
her nature. There was no way she could have left him on his driveway
like that, no matter what he did. And the breakup was just hurting her
too much to continue being angry with him. She had to make peace with
it, before she could let him walk away.
I promise you there will be an HEA.
Xoxoxo
EBT

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009- 2010
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Oh, shit…another long A/N. Hey Suzy, where's my copy of Author's
Notes for Dummies?
The last chapter received a startling amount of reviews and PM's- so
much that my mailbox wouldn't allow anymore as it was at capacity. I
can not tell you how humbled and overwhelmed I am with the love and
support and encouragement you guys have shown, and I wish I could
respond to every single review/ PM that you took the time to write, but I
still have like a few hundred reviews to read, and I thought you'd prefer
to have a chapter than a response. I appreciate your time and your love
and your thoughtful, encouraging words wholeheartedly. It truly, truly
means the world to me.
Though there will be a few changes, High Anxiety will still continue as I
originally saw it, and end just as I intended it to. I will keep it nice and
angsty for you cause you demanded it. Masochists. At this point, I
honestly have no idea how many chapters it will be.
Thank you to h3ath3rp for the counseling info, and to Suzy for keeping
me sane and for just being an integral part of my life.
Becca…where the hell are you?

~High Anxiety ~
Chapter 33~ Alone
I wish I can hear your voice
And so leave me alone in this bed
I wish I could touch you once more
And so leave me alone in this bed
Not tonight, not tomorrow
I've got the feeling that this will never seize
Living in these pictures
It never comes with ease
I swear that if I could make this right
You'd be back by now
Tonight I'm screaming out to the stars
He knows he owes me a favor
It doesn't matter where you are
You'll be mine again
Framing Hanley~ Alone In This Bed
~Edward~
Darkness.
The darkness following the days after my coke binge was fucking
monumental. I honestly didn't know how I would get out of its clutches, or if
I even had the ability to do it on my own. I stopped taking my
antidepressants, because I knew it took a few days for the coke to deplete
from my system and after what had happened Saturday night, I was fucking
scared to death of what could happen to me if I continued to take them.
Because, I never, ever wanted to go through that shit again…ever.
I was perfectly content sleeping the demons away, biding my time wrapped
in my tangled bedding that was bathed in Bella's scent which I couldn't get
enough of. I was just numb with disengaged thoughts that I never imagined
my brain could conjure up. Every single part of my body hurt, as my system
recovered from the damage I had done to it and from the severity of the
panic attack that left me out of commission for days. I was fucking starving,
but I had no appetite. Not that I could even keep any solid food down or
quench my insatiable thirst because the anxiety that was wracking my body
was debilitating.
It was what I imagined Hell being like only with less expensive sheets.
I had been in bed for three days, only getting up to eat sporadically, take a
piss and shower once. Yeah, I was not only wallowing in my own pool of
self pity and depression, but my own filth as well. Obsessing over not
showering and specifically, not shaving, gave my brain a deterrent, a
distraction from thoughts of Bella and why she refused to talk to me. My
stomach twisted in knots, gnawing at me incessantly, not knowing what was
going on with us or where I stood after what had happened. My phone lay in
my bed next to me, as I waited anxiously for it to ring. It never fucking did.
Sometimes I would check to see if I accidentally turned the ringer off, but I
knew better. She said she fucking hated me.
Bella left her ring. The symbolism of her leaving that on my dresser as she
walked out was crippling.
I rolled her ring up the length of my pinkie, spinning it, feeling the deep
engravings of the words embedded in the metal surface, trying to decipher
the meaning of it all. It clinked against my own ring, the sound soothing and
constant- two of the things that she represented for me now gone with her. I
kept the box of her crap beside me, touching each memento, trying to relive
each memory in my mind and in my heart. I tried to remember how the soft
curves of her body felt the few times I had touched her, the way her skin
tasted when I kissed her, the scent of her hair in my face, how beautiful her
laugh sounded when I said something funny.
She stayed Saturday night with me but then she left first thing the next
morning… Did she just need time to herself to understand? But she took
care of me…she loved me. She loved me still, right? Could you love
someone and hate them at the same time? Could she still love me after what
I had done? Did she understand what had really happened?
These were the thoughts that rolled in my brain, over and over and over
again...never letting me rest, never allowing me a moments peace. Though I
supposed I deserved the torture.
I remembered her distinctly telling me that if Tanya ever touched me again
that we were done, and I took it seriously, which is why when I was with
Tanya in my room, I made a careful, conscious effort to stay away from her.
Bella never forbade my friendship with Tanya; she just didn't like the idea of
Tanya having any kind of physical connection with me when she couldn't.
And I got that, I truly did. But when Bella said we were done, essentially
ending what we shared for my own fucking good, I couldn't help but dwell
on the fact that she left me in my darkest hour, rather than focusing on the
big picture of why she did it.
I couldn't stop the thoughts…like a cancer eating away at my lifeline…at my
soul. I couldn't stop obsessing over her.
It wasn't until Tuesday afternoon when my parents had gotten back from
their trip, that Esmom came barging in my room, complaining that it smelled
like shit in there and checking my forehead to see if I had a fever. After she
Fabreezed the shit out of me, and the then she found no fever, she insisted in
irritation that I shower immediately and help her with the grocery shopping
because she couldn't push the cart packed full of groceries for a family of
five. I strongly protested this of course, but her fucking guilt trip and
persistence won out and I couldn't take her nagging anymore. Besides, I
really did need a shower.
Of course, because of my fantastic fucking luck, we ran into Bella…
standing there looking at me like I had ten goddamn heads as I stood
awkwardly gaping back at her. My heart lurched. I needed to hold her, I
needed to feel her around me arms and her warmth against my face. I felt
this unrelenting magnetic pull toward her, my body desperate and craving
hers, the love I felt for her stronger than ever. And the shame was…crushing.
I was so ashamed that I hurt and betrayed my sweet girl. My chest hurt and
my stomach rolled angrily at the thought of it.
She couldn't even look at me.
A week ago, she couldn't take her eyes off me.
When she agreed to talk to me later that night I was so relieved that we
could finally resolve this, yet I was so fucking anxious to know how it was
going to play out. I was too scared to take anything to relax my frayed
nerves so I just stuck it out medication free …and I was fucking miserable.
My hands were shaking and I was sweating like I had just run a mile. I
couldn't figure out if it was just nerves or the drugs working their way out of
my system.
My mom badgered me all the way home from the grocery store, asking what
was going on with me and Bella, wanting to know way I hadn't shaved,
because I never went a day without a clean face. I denied anything was
wrong, just telling her I didn't want to discuss it with her at the moment. But
she was my mom, and she knew something was wrong, because I never kept
shit from her. Plus she had that goddamn sixth sense mom radar thing going
on. I usually gave her watered down, edited versions of the truth, but I really
never hid my problems from her. How the fuck was I supposed to talk to her
about this?
I helped her bring the shit inside, trying to do it as fast as I could, just to get
the fuck out of the kitchen to avoid the tension that she was unknowingly
causing. Just when I thought I could escape, Em and Jasper came casually
strolling in and my mother took the immediate opportunity to pounce on
them.
"Can one of you please tell me what's going on with your brother?" she
asked, as if I weren't in the room. I gave them both looks that warned them
to keep their fucking mouths shut.
They both shrugged their shoulders and ransacked the full grocery bags. She
snatched the food away from them insisting they needed to tell her
immediately. She stood there with her hands on her hips threatening to
ground everyone until graduation. This five foot four pregnant woman
needed a job with the FBI, because let me tell you, she could break the most
hardened criminal with her Super Mom powers. I wonder where she kept her
cape?
"Edward and Bella broke up," Jasper said simply, with a mouthful of food.
Motherfucking Traitor.
"Yeah, I got that. What happened? Bella couldn't even look at Edward in the
store. What did she do to you, baby?" My mom looked at me with such pity.
After removing my baseball hat, I sat down at the kitchen table laying my
head on my arm in defeat and cowardice. I had no shot in keeping this to
myself, and it was just a matter of time that it got back to her somehow or
another, especially with her super powers and all. I was surprised Tanya's
mom hadn't called her yet to bitch about the fact that her daughter had bald
spots on her head from what I had heard Alice had done to her. I was
actually sort of proud of Bella for slapping her. I mean, Bella was mostly
passive, so I assumed she must have been really pissed to actually assault
another person.
"Just tell her," I mumbled in resignation, steeling myself for the wrath to
come. "I can't do it."
"Really, E?" Jasper asked skeptically. In nodded into the table bracing
myself.
He huffed, leaning against the kitchen counter while my mother's ears
perked up in interest. Em kept his head down, preparing for the fallout.
"Bella walked in on Edward and Tanya doing coke together. Tanya was like,
sitting on E's lap and she stuck her hand down his pants and shit. Bella saw
the whole thing and then E had this big ol' panic attack on the driveway and
the next morning Bella broke up with him. There's puke in the shrubs." He
said it so fast I could barely understand him and I was fucking there.
It was insanely quiet for a minute, so I took a quick peek out of the corner of
my eye. My mother's face was blank. Then she frowned cocking her head to
the side, as she resumed pulling out items from the bags. "Fine, don't tell me.
Just keep me in the dark and I'll leave you alone…"
"Ma, he's serious," Emmett chimed in softly, looking up through his
eyelashes.
My mother stopped what she was doing and stared at me.
"Edward?" Her voice shook. "Is all of that true?"
I buried my face in the crook of my arm, feeling the cool wood of the table
surface against my nose. "Uh huh."
She took five really slow steps forward, her heels clicking on the tile floor
and then she leaned over and braced herself on the table.
Her eyes bugged the fuck out of her head. "Excuse me? What did he say?
WHAT DID HE SAY, EDWARD? What the hell are you thinking?" Her
hand was suddenly in my hair ripping my head off the table. "Look at me!"
"Ow…fuck ma," I whined as she had the top portion of my hair in her death
grip.
"You're doing cocaine again? Edward Cullen how dare you? How could you
do this to yourself? After everything you've been through. After what the
family has been through you go and do this again? With that slut?" I stared
at her in disbelief. My mother never said bad shit about anyone, particularly
her best friend's daughter. She was fucking pissed.
"Are you sleeping with Tanya? How could you cheat on Bella, Edward?
She's been so good to you and god knows she's been patient and…and Jesus
Christ you ran away to marry her a month ago and now you are doing coke
with Tanya? How could you do any of this?" The shrillness of her voice
shuddered through me as I cringed at her words. "I am so disappointed in
you…more than I ever have been in your sixteen years."
My chest tightened at her words. I didn't respond with anything other than a
sigh.
The sudden addition of my father's voice startled me. "Hey, hey, hey…
What's all the yelling about?"
Fuck my life. I didn't even know he was home.
"What's going on guys?" he asked expectantly, as he kissed my mom on the
cheek and patted her belly before bending down to kiss it too. If I wasn't so
fucking miserable I would have thought the gesture was sweet, but at the
moment it was too fucking Leave It To Beaver for my liking.
In that angry, shrill mom screech, my mother repeated everything to my
father. I stayed still waiting for whatever was to come. I was betting on at
least a month's worth of grounding and possibly taking my car away, worse
case. I had no desire to leave the house anyway, so it didn't even concern me.
My father approached the table quietly. "Edward look at me right now."
I pulled my face from my hiding place and met his eyes. They were dark and
angry. "Did you…" His fists clenched and he paced, searching for the
appropriate words. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
I startled at his reaction. My dad didn't curse often, but when he did, we
knew it was because he was livid over something.
"Cocaine mixed with antidepressants can cause a stroke, Edward. A fucking
stroke… Did you ever even think of that?"
"He was drinking too," Jasper added casually, like the fucking douchebag
that he was. I glared at him. "What?" he shrugged. "You were."
"So were you, dickhead. Or did you forget that?" I shook my head, playing
with my hoodie sleeve as I turned back to my dad. "Honestly, I didn't think
of anything that night but wanting to not feel so depressed."
Carlisle sighed angrily as he paced in front of the kitchen table. "So then you
were all drunk? And there were a houseful of underage kids here?" He
nodded his head in affirmation, ready to fucking explode. "Godammit…
what the fuck are you jackasses thinking? All it takes is one person to get in
an accident on their way home from my house and who do you think gets
sued? Me. So everything I have worked for, to give the three of you good
lives will be gone in the blink of an eye. Unfucking believable." He
continued to pace back and forth muttering incoherently as we all kind of
glanced at one another with questioning eyes. How the hell he knew there
had been a party was beyond me, because I knew damn well that the place
was fucking spotless. Maybe dads had a sixth sense too.
My father pulled the chair out next to me and sat with his elbows on the
table stewing in his anger. Then his voice softened considerably. "Edward…I
know what you've been going through is extraordinary, and I can't imagine
what you are feeling right now but these are things you have to think about
before you act! Do you want to end up in a wheel chair at sixteen years old,
having your diaper changed because you can't control your own bodily
functions? Because that's what can happen with a drug induced stroke, I've
seen it before. You are an intelligent young man, why…why would you do
something so reckless?"
"I told you. I knew it would make me feel good. I'm fucking tired of feeling
like shit all the time."
"I want you to stop taking the Lexipro immediately. You need to go on
something else, because that was probably causing an adverse effect. Why
didn't you tell me you were feeling like this?"
"I don't know, Dad," I whispered, looking away from him. "I don't fucking
know anything anymore. I haven't taken the meds since Saturday. I was
afraid to."
He shook his head again. "You just stopped taking the pills? You have to
wean off of them, Edward… you can't just stop…" he growled, rubbing his
temples.
My mother came and sat next to him with her hand over her mouth. "Have
you been sleeping with Tanya?" She spat out her name like venom.
"No, ma. She and I…have a sort of…history and she came here to see you
guys, but we were just hanging out upstairs. She thought I wanted to fool
around and…God I fucking hate talking about this!" I slammed my hand on
the table, causing them both to jump. Things had been so intense that I
hadn't even noticed that Em and Jasper had left the kitchen.
"A history? Have you had sex with her?" My father asked softly. I nodded
shamefully. "More than once?"
"A couple of times on the Hawaii cruise." I cringed, embarrassed at having
to talk about my sex life yet again. The last time I had to rehash the gory
details was the night after the Charlotte incident and that was fucking
horrible.
My parents exchanged a glance and my father muttered, "I knew it. I
fucking…knew it! Tanya is very promiscuous. Please tell me you used
protection."
Rolling my eyes and rubbing my forehead, I muttered, "Of course, Dad. I'm
not that stupid."
"Edward you were fourteen on that trip. Fourteen. Jesus Christ! You guys
were still watching Sponge Bob cartoons in the mornings in our state rooms.
Was that your first time…with a girl?"
I looked up to the ceiling and scratched my chin. This fucking sucked balls.
I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah," I groaned. "Jasper was with
Irina too."
Fuck him…
Both my parents gasped and my mother rambled on about them being older
and so slutty that they would take advantage of young boys. I left out the
part about us being drunk, not wanting to give her an aneurism… not the
best thing for a pregnant lady.
Things got even more awkward and quiet for a while, and I just really
wanted to get the fuck upstairs to shave and shower again, before I went to
see Bella. My stomach was in knots.
"Here's what's going to happen. We'll start you on another antidepressant in a
few days once your system is clear of any substances. Then, you are going to
see a drug counselor."
"Dad, no. Come on," I whined. "I don't have a drug problem. I did it because
it was there and I felt like shit and for two hours I felt great, okay? It won't
happen again. Bella won't speak to me because of it, and the massive shitty
hangover I have had for three days is punishment enough. I will never touch
it again. I promise." I truly, truly meant it this time.
"I don't give a shit what you promise, Edward. This is the second time in
eighteen months. I will not allow you will not destroy yourself with this, you
will not destroy this family with this bullshit. Do you understand? Don't
think I don't know about the pot you've been smoking too. I'm not fucking
stupid. I chose to ignore it, because you're a good kid, and I think there are
worse things you could be doing, and now you have clearly crossed the line.
You have too much potential to be getting dragged down by this shit.
Besides the fact we have a baby coming in four months and I can't be
worried about you being a bad influence, or even worse having to worry
about you doing something to harm yourself."
He put his hand up. "And before you say anything, I am well aware that your
brothers aren't innocent either. Mary Brandon told me there was a party here
Saturday night. Were you involved at all with that?" There was no way in
hell I was telling him that I purchased the booze. Hopefully, my big mouthed
brothers wouldn't mention that.
I shook my head no. "Well, your brothers will be punished for thinking they
could get away with it. They will be lucky if they see daylight anytime
soon." He looked at my mom and shook his head. She was crying silent
tears.
"Me-Me… what do you think we should do?" he looked at me intensely.
"Short of grounding you to keep you in the house where you can be
supervised, I am at a loss here. Do we have to give you weekly drug tests?"
"No, Dad." I scrubbed my hand over my face. "I swear to you that it was a
onetime thing. I haven't smoked pot in over a month and Saturday was the
first time I drank anything in a while either. Trust me on this…I am done…
I'll never touch coke again."
"I don't know, Carlisle. I think Edward needs another therapist. Dr, Kate is
obviously not doing anything for him."
"No!" I protested adamantly. "I'm not going through the fucking story all
over again, please don't make me have to start over. Please?" I had tears in
my eyes again. They came so easily now, taking almost nothing to set them
loose and I couldn't hold them back anymore. I hated not having control of
that emotion. It was terribly fucking emasculating.
My mother slid off her chair and knelt in front of me, pulling both of my
hands into hers. "Edward this isn't a punishment. You are so depressed and
just….not yourself. I can't watch you disintegrate like this again."
"Mom…" I didn't even know what to say to her because I wanted to feel
better soon too. I couldn't take much more of the darkness.
Carlisle spoke then. "I want you to see a drug counselor. They can help you
understand how to stop the urge before you get too far in. It's not an option
here, Edward. I think this is more than situational depression, I think it's
clinical and I don't have the expertise to diagnose that, but I think you should
be seeing a psychiatrist."
"But Dr. Kate…"
My father interjected. "No, she's a social worker, Edward. She can't
prescribe meds or officially diagnose medical conditions. This isn't going
away. Obviously."
Why the fuck am I calling her Dr. Kate then?
I shook my head, because as much as I didn't want to see anymore shrinks, I
needed more significant help and I knew it. I knew I needed to get better. I
wanted to stop feeling like shit all the time and I was at the point that I
would do anything to not feel like I did when we moved here.
"Just tell me where to go," I said. "I'll do whatever you want."
My father leaned over and hugged me tightly as my mom laid her head on
my lap. It was the first time I had seen him cry in years and it crushed me
that my situation had brought him to tears yet again. Though my mom was
clearly disappointed by my actions, she still was capable of showing me
unconditional love. I need that so much at that moment.
"We love you very much Edward and all we want is for you to feel good
again."
"I know that," I said pulling away from their embraces. "I…I'm going over
to Bella's in a little while to talk to her. Is it okay if I go change?" They
nodded, and I got up, wiping away my eyes. Halfway up the stairs I heard
my mom sob loudly.
"I don't know what to do for him. I don't know how to help him get better,"
she cried. "I don't know how to take all his sadness away."
"I don't know either, Love."
That there, gave me very little hope.
~%~
It was after three am and I still hadn't been able to fall asleep. My head was
splitting at the seams, the massively painful migraine caused by stress,
anxiety and crying for the last three hours. I had my phone beside me again,
waiting for Bella to call with an epiphany that she was wrong and she
wanted me back. But I knew that she was serious. She loved me, but she
wanted me to get better on my own, so she fucking abandoned me when I
needed her the most. I had never in my life felt so lost and alone, filled with
shame and regret and just wishing I could start over. I just knew that this was
rock bottom and hoped to God I could only get better from that point.
Not knowing where to turn, or how to soothe myself, I did the only thing I
knew was not going to hurt me or anyone else. I prayed.
Dear Jesus, or God…whichever one of you is listening. I'm not sure who's in
charge of prayers, so I'll address both of you.
I know I don't do this often, well… ever, but I am kind of at a loss here. Bella
does this, and she seems to find peace with talking to you, so I thought I
would maybe see if you could help me out. I'm not asking for any special
favors or like, a big miracle or anything because I know I don't deserve it
right now but all I am asking for is some help here. A little something to just
help me cope for a while. I understand if you can't, I honestly do. But in the
meantime, could you keep an eye on my family, especially my mom and the
baby, and please make sure Bella is safe now that she doesn't want me to
protect her anymore and please make sure that she knows how much I love
her, and how much I will always love her no matter what.
Thanks. Oh, um Amen.
If the depression didn't kill me the migraine would first. I was incredibly
nauseous and dizzy when I rose off the bed, my vision was splattered with
silver speckles. Finally, not being able to take the pain anymore, I went
down to my parent's bedroom for some relief. I knocked softly, hoping they
wouldn't get pissed for waking them both and asked my dad for something
for my headache. I felt really bad for waking them up, but I had no choice.
While my father groggily retrieved some painkillers from his locked cabinet,
my mom told me to lay down with her so she could rub my temples. I
happily crawled into bed with her, feeling so small and safe with her as I
soaked up her affection and love which, as the shitty son I was, didn't
deserve. I couldn't think of anything but the pain in my head and the
persistent ache in my heart and I probably would have cried some more if I
hadn't been completely dried out. After I took the pill, my dad fell asleep on
the couch in their sitting room while I occupied his spot on their huge bed.
"I am afraid to ask what happened with Bella tonight," she said softly.
I shook my head, trying to dispel the lump in my throat as I played with
Bella's ring that now hung from a leather cord around my neck, close to my
heart.
"She's done. She needs me to get better or whatever by myself."
"Oh sweetie…" she crooned softly, stroking my hair.
"She left me, Mom."
"I'm so sorry. I know this doesn't help at all, but I honestly think it's for the
best. It's one less thing you have to worry about now, and maybe without
always having her to remind you of what you can't have, you can work on
dealing with the emotions you're experiencing. I know it's shitty, hon."
My mother continued to rub, the action highly soothing and beginning to
abate the migraine, though none of the blinding pain took away the reality of
what I was facing. My chest was so tight with grief, it hurt to breathe. I
didn't know what to do, or how to feel other than acute sadness. How could
Bella do this? I wasn't disputing that I totally deserved it, but I never thought
she would leave me…we were too halves of a whole and without her, I felt
like I didn't even know who the fuck I was.
"You know," she said softly, rubbing her fingers in circles around my
temples and then pressing her thumbs firmly into my jaw line. "When you
were little, you hardly ever cried. Even as a baby, you were always so happy
and content. And as you got older, you would fall off your bike, or your
brothers would lock you in the hamper or something and you never shed a
tear. You were always so controlled even back then, always so strong."
"You trying to say I'm a big fucking baby now?"
"No, I'm trying to tell you that it's okay to cry. I believe it takes strength to
show your true emotions, and what you are going through has to be …
incomprehensible. It's okay to cry, baby. It's okay to show that you're sad.
Things will get better soon, I promise. I promise…"
~%~
I didn't go to school for the rest of the week, knowing I just couldn't handle
being around people or scrutinizing eyes for a little while. Jasper got all my
assignments, which weren't much, but I asked that I just be given this time to
get my shit together. I knew if I saw Bella I would probably lose it, and I
couldn't been seen crying in school. It was all I fucking did lately- cry the
shit out of myself. Since I had met her, it seemed that all I did was shed an
inordinate amount of tears. My emotions were so fucked up all the time with
just trying to figure out what to do with the situation and how to handle
everyday tasks without falling to pieces.
I hated the fact that I couldn't hold it together, and that it just made me feel
weak and useless and much less of a man. That's why when my father
brought home a schedule of local youth drug counseling sessions, I teared
up, begging him to forgo this stupid idea. He was adamant about me
participating for a few weeks, at least until the new meds kicked in and he
could see if they were working. He was afraid of a relapse, regardless of the
fact that I gave him my word there wouldn't be one.
He now saw me as a drug addict, someone who he looked down upon and
couldn't trust. It fucking killed me.
And of course, Bella never called. Not even a text.
Jasper said the she asked Alice to ask him about me when I didn't show up at
school. It pissed me off that she couldn't just ask me herself, but deep down
it also thrilled me that she still cared about me to want to know if I was
alright. At least, when I felt I had nothing else, I had that…anything at all to
hold onto was better than nothing. Hope suddenly had become my favorite
word.
My brothers had received three weeks grounding each, a ton of extra
household chores and had to spend time volunteering at the hospital.
However, they were given a temporary reprieve to go to the Kings of Leon
concert, because my father hated the idea of the wasted money on those
tickets. They were acting like little bitches about their punishment, instead of
accepting it like men. It was pretty funny that on Friday night the three of us
were forced to sit at the kitchen table after dinner for Cullen Family Game
night. We did it as kids, but once we hit our teens, it had stopped because our
social lives took priority over our quality family time. My mother felt we
had grown apart in the recent months and wanted her family to be closer.
Honestly, I wouldn't admit it out loud, but I liked it a lot. It kept my mind
occupied from wondering what Bella was doing and who she was doing it
with. My biggest fear in her leaving me, was that she would inevitably find
someone else to be with that could give her a normal, healthy relationship-
one that I couldn't provide, one that she truly deserved. Watching her with
someone else would surely be the end of me then, and I couldn't even
entertain the idea of it, without my thoughts turning to a place that was very,
very dark.
Much to my consternation, I ended up taking the group session that was held
on early Saturday mornings, as a suggestion from my father. Afternoon
sessions would interfere with baseball practice which was starting in a few
weeks. I still hadn't made a commitment to it as of yet, but I thought that if I
were to start getting my life back under my control, that playing ball again
was a damn good way to help make that happen. And maybe if Bella could
see that I was trying, she'd be more apt to want to reconsider her decision. I
was holding on to threads here, grasping at anything I could. I knew it was
pathetic, but there was no other way for me to handle it differently. I wanted
her in my life, and I was fucking pissed that she had no desire to be.
Saturday morning, I headed into Port Angeles to the address on the
confirmation sheet, with a cup of coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the
other. I was really nervous for some reason, and I didn't want to be there at
all, but I figured if it appeased my father than I would just suck it up. Hell, it
actually may have even helped some. My mind wandered restlessly back and
forth thinking about what Bella might have been doing. Her car wasn't in the
driveway when I left this morning and the thought of her getting drunk and
being with another guy enraged me. Again, I had slept with the phone placed
on my pillow, like I always did just in case she should call or need
something from me in the middle of the night. She didn't.
It was basically how you see the shit in movies, like when a character goes
to AA or whatever…big open room, folding chairs set around in a circle and
a table off to the side spread with donuts and coffee, as if that was supposed
to be helpful in any way.
The door was open, and I entered the room hesitantly, not entirely knowing
what to expect. There was only an older guy about my dad's age, rifling
through some papers on a table. He looked up with a genuine smile, then
narrowing his eyes through his glasses as he tried to distinguish my face.
The chairs were empty and a quick glance at my watch told me I was as
always, exactly on time.
"Edward, right? Randall." He held out his hand for me to shake. I took it
automatically, politely shook it once and grimaced awkwardly. He gestured
to the empty chairs. "This group tends to be a little...unenthusiastic about
getting here on time." He shrugged his shoulders with a small apologetic
smile. "You can sit anywhere you like. Help yourself to coffee or whatever,"
I muttered, "Thanks," and sat tentatively in one of the nine metal seats
choosing one that faced the door. I didn't like the idea of having my back
exposed, but at the same time, I didn't want to sit right across from Randall
because that would give him direct access to my eyes, and if I had to make
eye contact, I would have to talk. I learned that immediately when I was in
that stupid fucking boys school in Chicago. They made us do these group
sessions to talk about our issues and feelings and emotions. I hated every
fucking second of it. Oddly enough, my feelings had not changed a bit since
then.
By ten after eight, the rest of the group filtered in, looking stereotypically
degenerate with their obvious hangovers and red, tired eyes. I wondered if
any of them had even bothered to shower, and then I felt completely
overdressed in designer jeans and a gray button down over a tee shirt,
because most of them were in wrinkled, grungy clothes that I was betting
were either slept in or picked up right off the floor. The room suddenly
reeked of stale cigarette smoke with a faint hint of musty vagina.
I chastised myself for being such a fucking snob, realizing that whether I
wanted to admit it or not, I was here for the same reason as they were, which
regardless of their outward appearances, did not make me any more or less
than any of them. Apparently, cocaine wasn't a picky drug. It didn't care if it
was snorted through a one dollar bill or a hundred.
Randall greeted everyone, asking each of them to introduce themselves to
the newest member of the group. I refused to make eye contact with any of
them as they stared me down in obviously scrutiny. I nodded curtly, "Hey,
I'm Edward," and let Randall do his thing.
The guys in the group were generally between fifteen and eighteen, all of
them with attitudes that screamed, I don't give a fuck, and appearances to
match. I didn't say a word, other than to introduce myself, but I listened to
these guys instead. We played some stupid, unnecessary breaking the ice
game, solely for my benefit. Then they all proceeded to tell stories of what
they had done, and what they wanted to do and a how a few of them got
blown out the previous night and felt no shame about admitting that to the
group. The only requirements that Randall had was that everyone be
respectful of one another, everyone was to allow someone else to talk on
their turn and that we try not to showboat or glamorize the drug related
issues that we were having.
I hated every minute of the shit and I knew immediately that I was not at all
like them. I was not fiending for drugs every minute of the day, I did not
wake and bake, I did not get so drugged out at parties, that I couldn't
remember how I got home. I wasn't one of them, and I resented being there
amongst these guys who lived their lives to get high.
I lived my life to just feel fucking normal, as though I even knew what that
meant anymore.
When the session ended ten minutes early, we all walked outside the
building together in a cluster, every one of us pulling out a pack of smokes.
A few of the guys left with either a curt nod or wave and the rest of them
hung out front, presumably waiting for their rides. I lit my cigarette as I
crossed the street, thinking about Bella again. I realized when I pulled away
that they had all been staring at me, and the first thing that went through my
mind was that they were all eyeing my car as potential drug money, should
they ever need to break in and steal my shit, or the car itself. I could almost
hear the remarks about the "poor little rich boy."
Fuck them all.
I spent the rest of the weekend holed up in my room, playing video games,
fucking around on my guitar and waiting for the phone to ring, like an idiot.
It wasn't until later on, when I knew she would be changing that I headed
outside, shutting the motion sensor light off and resuming my seat against
the house. I was out there a while before I saw any movement, growing
increasingly irritated and anxious. I knew she was home alone, so where the
fuck was she? All I wanted was a little glimpse of her…not necessarily
naked, just anything I could get. I missed her so fucking much that I would
have done anything just to be close to her.
"Come on, B…where are you?" I whined, craning my neck in vain.
"Bird watching again, Edward?"
The words startled me, so much that I actually jumped and threw my hand
over my racing heart as my head hit the siding. "Jesus fuck Rosalie! What
the hell?"
"Sorry. Maybe I should make my footsteps louder next time, so I can warn
you when I'm coming as to not disturb your bird watching." Her sarcastic
intonation of the words and narrowed eyes, immediately cued me in to the
fact that she knew...she fucking knew exactly what I was doing out there.
"Yeah, that would be good, thanks," I snapped, as she passed me. What the
fuck was she even doing here? Em was grounded. I loved the strict
enforcement my parents put on their kids. No wonder we were all fucked up.
"Fucking perv," she muttered under her breath. That was the moment I knew
I was fucked, but wouldn't understand the full extent of said fuckery until
later on.
~%~
When Monday morning arrived, I was a nervous wreck, almost nauseous
with anticipation and anxiety of seeing Bella for the first time in six days…a
fucking lifetime. I paid extra attention to my hair, and wore the cologne she
had gotten me for Valentine's Day, dressing in her favorite outfit. I slipped
on the hunter green tee shirt over a thermal, pulled on dark jeans and black
boots. She loved the color on me and told me that it made my eyes look
crazy green. I needed her to be reminded of what she once saw in my eyes…
intensely full of love for her.
I honestly didn't know what I was thinking, that dressing, smelling and
looking a certain way would entice her to forgive me and change her mind,
but I had nothing to lose. It was more or less the powerful need for her to
have constant reminders of me as I was a firm believer of "Out of sight out
of mind," as opposed to those that held onto the "Absence makes the heart
grow fonder," theory. I was determined to not allow her to forget me for a
fucking second.
However, on first glimpse of her that morning, standing in the parking lot
with her back to me, I could see by the new boots she was wearing and the
brand new purse slung over her shoulder, that she was blatantly trying to
send me a message. Not only did she not want me, but none of the gifts I had
given her were welcome in her life either. She was going out of her way to
forget me. What a fucking slap in the face that was.
I parked my car, glancing in the mirror, feeling my stomach turn when she
doubled over in laughter as she continued to converse with Angela. She
seemed fucking fine. She looked beautiful as always; hair perfect, flawless
makeup on her face, new boots and purse to compliment her outfit. She
didn't look tired, or as though she had been crying or sad or even moved at
all by the departure of me from her life. I couldn't fathom why not. I mean,
was it so fucking easy for her to move on? Why was I wallowing in all of
her memories when she was completely fucking fine forgetting all about
mine?
Maybe I should have been happy for her, that she wasn't enduring the same
caliber of misery that I was, but under the circumstances, I couldn't bring
myself to feel anything other than anger.
I shut the car, glaring at her back, as I slung my bag over my shoulder.
Before I even took a step, Jasper had slipped in between my car and the one
parked next to it, putting a hand on my shoulder, stopping me from passing.
"What's up?"
"Listen, Bro. I uh … I heard some shit about Bella that I thought you might
want to know about first hand instead of hearing about through someone
else." I gritted my teeth, bracing myself for whatever the fuck it was that he
had to say about her. As if I needed this shit.
"What Jazz, spit it out."
"I heard that she was at the movies last night…with a guy. No one knows
who he was, but he was older for sure."
I shook my head, trying to swallow back the giant lump in my throat. "That's
fucking great." Another fucking guy? I felt like I was going to be sick.
"I'm sorry Edward."
"Yeah…thanks." Instead of hanging around to let the news of Bella's dating
rankle my stomach any further, I pushed past him, stalking in Bella's
direction. Angela quietly alerted my presence to Bella as I approached, but
as she turned to make eye contact with me, I brushed past her without so
much as a glance in her way.
I heard Bella yell my name loud and clear, but chose not to acknowledge
her, all of the anger in me too overwhelming to address what I had just heard
and seen. I was so pissed at her, but more than anything, I was so fucking
hurt.
She called my name again, her heels clicking on the pavement as she jogged
to catch up with me. I walked faster.
"Edward, stop please!" she breathed, finally giving up the chase.
With my teeth gritted, I turned and growled, "What?"
Her mouth hung open as I snapped at her. I couldn't even look at her long
enough to meet her eyes, which I knew damn well were hurt by my brusque
tone. Fuck her.
"How…how are you?" she asked quietly.
I stared at her incredulously. "Really? How am I?" I snapped sardonically,
seething at her audacity. "I'm fucking amazing, how are you?"
"I'm…"
Before she could even get the words out, I cut her off.
"You're perfect as usual, I see. Nice fucking boots by the way." I turned,
stalking toward the school.
She began the chase again. "Edward…will you wait a frigging second!"
"What do you want Bella?"
"I want to know if you are okay. You were out the whole week and I was
worried about you…"
I fought back the churning in my stomach and the bile rapidly rising in my
throat. "Do you want to know how I couldn't get out of fucking bed this
week because the thought of facing the reality of a day without you crippled
me? Do you want to know how I spent my Saturday in drug counseling with
fucking losers and degenerates only to realize that I am just as low class as
they are? Do you want to know that I miss you so fucking much that I spend
every night with my phone by my pillow, hoping that you'll call telling me
that you can't live without me? Is that what you want? Will it make you feel
better when you're rejecting the gifts I gave you and going to the movies
with another guy…what, a whole fucking week after we break up?"
Her mouth opened and closed as a single tear streamed down her cheek. She
swiped it away with her sleeve and I couldn't feel any remorse for my words.
She could have fucking gutted me with a knife and it would have hurt less. I
knew I was wrong, but I just couldn't admit it to myself.
She tried to explain, but I put my hand up muttering, "Save it. I don't want to
hear it. Just go about your life as though I was never a part of it, like I never
even existed. Whatever works for you, Bella." Once again, I walked toward
the front entrance, now crowded with students as the first bell was about to
ring.
She closed her eyes, shaking her head. "I can't believe this. After what you
did, you're pissed at me...at me?"
I ignored her, shoving my way inside, very carefully avoiding any of the
female population. That was not at all how I envisioned the day starting off.
By fourth period, my ire hadn't waned a bit, and I was still stewing in my
own pot of fury.
Fourth period English was relatively easy. I kept my gaze locked on the
blackboard, and when we read from Romeo and Juliet, I kept my eyes on the
book. In my periphery, I could see her glancing at me periodically, but I did
my best to ignore her. As the bell rang, I had my shit packed up and I was
out of the classroom like lightening, knowing that we always walked to class
together. I couldn't deal with not being by her side. Instead of going straight
to the cafeteria, I slipped out to the handball courts, directly across from the
cafeteria doors, to smoke a cigarette. It calmed my nerves a bit before I
headed inside only to see that Bella and Rose had switched seats, so that I no
longer sat next to Bella at our round table.
Must have forgotten to use my cootie spray this morning.
I chuckled darkly paying for my lunch which I was in no fucking the mood
to eat and headed to the table. Without so much as a glance at any of them, I
tossed my tray on the table, only acknowledging Jasper and Ben's greetings.
The girls stopped talking momentarily to stare at me, when I forcefully
thrust my chair out with a scrape, plopping down angrily. Bella pushed her
chair back with a sigh, putting one leg up onto the chair while giving Alice
one of those looks in code that only females had the ability to crack.
The tension at the table was palpable. Conversation died down to a dull
murmur until all the girls stood up in a huff, packing their shit up and
storming out the doors.
I watched Bella retreat with a faint sense of remorse at driving her away. Our
lives were so intertwined with her best friends being my brother's girls that
our encounters were inevitable, and likely going to be frequent as much as
we would try to avoid each other. It was only day one and already I was
pretty much done.
In Bio, Dr. Banner gave us a quick demonstration of the DNA lab and then
had us get to work. Instead of partnering up like usual, we did our work
separately, not uttering so much as a cough to one another. She made her
DNA model in solitude, jotting down notes as she went along. I noticed that
she had one of the stupid K-nex toys that we were using positioned in the
wrong way, but I made no effort to help her. If she wanted to be alone, then I
was leaving her the fuck alone.
Instead, Dr. Banner pointed out her mistake, and simply acknowledged my
model as perfect. I gloated silently smirking in satisfaction when she glared
and huffed at me.
When the bell rang, I let her go first, so that she could walk on her own to
cooking. I now had completely regretted joining this with her and wondered
if I could get transferred out into wood shop or something. We moved to our
kitchen stations without a word, and when Bella began to toss shit around, I
walked over to Mrs. Miller, asking her for the bathroom pass. I then spent
the rest of the period in Jasper's study hall, bitching to him about what was
going on. I made it back with ten minutes to the bell, leaning against the
counter with the cool indifference of James Dean after smoking a joint.
Bella glared at me, tossing the plate of what looked like crepes onto the
counter in annoyance. "Thanks for helping," she snapped.
"Yeah well, I'm just not in the mood for this shit today, okay?" I looked
away, staring at Ben and Angela laughing and flirting as they fed each other
their creation.
Fuck them and their perfect relationship.
She shuffled her feet in front of her, wringing her hands, a clear indication
that she was nervous. In a very small voice she said timidly, "I went to the
mall after work yesterday because I was feeling really shitty and shopping
usually makes me feel better. I didn't mean to hurt you by getting the boots
and the bag, it wasn't meant to insult you. And then I ran into Billy's son as I
was getting into my car, and he asked me to join him at the movies. I didn't
want to go home to an empty house, so… I went."
Aaaaand I'm a huge fucking douche.
"Did it make you feel better? The shopping?"
She closed her eyes, shook her head, and took a ragged breath. "No."
"Good," I snapped. I grabbed my stuff of the table just as the bell rang, and
stalked to gym feeling like a huge asshole for treating her that way.
I knew damn well it was shitty to do that to her, but it was a hell of a lot
easier to be mad at her than to be falling at her feet begging for her
forgiveness, as I had been the night she told me it was over. And right then, I
needed something…anything that was just fucking uncomplicated. My love
for her was the only thing left that was simple and pure and she didn't
fucking want it.
The next day, I continued to ignore her, as she did the same thing to me. We
didn't look at each other, we spoke no words to one another and lunch and
cooking class were highly fucking uncomfortable, but we survived. It was
hard as hell. I could tell though, just by the way Bella held her chin up
indignantly and the way her bottom lip quivered, that this was extremely
hard for her. She didn't want it to be this way. I think she genuinely thought
we could be friends, and pretend that there had been nothing between us. As
if I would ever allow her to fucking forget that. I didn't understand how you
could love someone one day and not the next.
I was torn between feeling guilty as fuck for doing this to her, while making
her feel any kind of additional sadness and between feeling wholly satisfied
that she was experiencing the same pain that I was. However, I was never
actually pleased with causing her undue pain. It hurt me to hurt her, but it
was easier than letting her inside where it ached the most.
That afternoon, I went straight from school to Port Angeles and decided that
I needed to take the step that I had been so afraid to take. I knew I was at the
point where I just needed to have a little faith, because honestly, I had
nothing else to lose.
So, putting my complete trust into the fact that Dr. Kate assured me she
wouldn't tell anyone my secrets, I spilled everything to her. I cried, I got
angry, I threw stuff…I told her about the coke and the breakup…I admitted
that Bella and I were intimate, that we touched, we kissed, that she gave me
oral sex once. I even confessed that initially we kept our intimacies restricted
to masturbating in front of one another, which was fucking mortifying to say
out loud, but Dr. Kate seemed completely at ease with my admissions. She
even put down her pen and pad, choosing not to document anything I told
her, which I had to admit was a definite help in allowing me to trust her. The
session went on so long that she cancelled her other scheduled appointments
so that I could continue.
I left her office feeling emotionally worn, ravaged and weak, but lighter
somehow. I had purged all of my secrets and confessed all my lies to the
person I trusted the least, and it actually felt damn good. I had started on a
new antidepressant, and that combined with feeling a little less burdened
was almost euphoric, giving me a temporary reprieve from the constant
darkness. It was best during the day when I was busy and my mind was
occupied, but at night it got bad. So bad, that on several occasions I had to
talk myself down from calling Bella in tears and once I even got as far as
walking to her driveway, but turned back, wanting to retain my last shred of
dignity.
But then I would wake up in the morning, feeling slightly less weighed
down with my life than I had the day prior… ready to face another day head
on. Well, maybe not so much head on as sort of sideways, but still I was
making an effort. It was as though little bits of sunshine were peeking their
way through the darkness of my life. It was hope.
The feeling pretty much lasted that way for almost a week and a half after
that, and I actually even smiled at Bella once unconsciously.
As pissed as I was at her for leaving me at my lowest point, I still couldn't
take my eyes off her whenever she was near. And I had developed this sort
of radar that alerted me to her presence...like my body could just tell that she
was close by. It was fucking weird.
Over the noise of the cafeteria, I struggled to listen to every word she said in
my proximity, just to get a glimpse of what her life was like without me in it.
In English I craned my neck to see her test grade, just to make sure she was
keeping up with her studies and not slacking because of the situation I put
her in. In cooking class, I often brushed past her with a false air of
indifference just to get a whiff of her hair. I knew I was fucking pathetic, but
I was still holding on to my lifeline with everything I had.
It wasn't until I had put the Kings of Leon concert tickets into an envelope
with great sadness, with the intention of giving them both to Bella, that
things between us began to shift. I didn't want to go without her, and I didn't
think it was right that she have to miss out because of me. I stuffed the
envelope in her backpack while she was at the bathroom one afternoon, and
I was genuinely surprised that it hadn't been mentioned at all in the days
after.
Three days later, when Jasper and Emmett came home from the concert, they
mentioned that Ben and Angela had gone. Bella had obviously given the
tickets to them instead of going herself. I don't know why exactly, but this
made me so sad, so much that I felt compelled to apologize to her for being
such a douchebag and buy her flowers or something just so she would know
I was a dumbass and I truly regretted being angry with her for something
that was entirely my own fault. I knew that the way I behaved toward her
was wrong and that I had no one to blame for her leaving but myself and my
stupid, self gratifying impulsive actions.
I had full intentions of rectifying my ill behavior toward her, but I never got
the chance.
That very next day, as I smoked a cigarette in the parking lot after school
with a bouquet of flowers sitting on my passenger seat and a long ass
apology note that I wrote, she approached me with gritted teeth and clenched
fists, looking fiercely angry. I couldn't imagine what she could possibly be
so irate with me over.
"How long have you been watching me through my window, Edward?" she
seethed, her nostrils flaring. I stared at her, absolutely stunned by her
accusation. Fucking big mouth Rosalie.
Knowing that I was flat out busted and undeniably a complete shit for doing
what I did in the first place, I decided that continuing on the path of honesty
was the best approach, because maybe she wouldn't see it as a bad thing.
Maybe she would even understand that I watched her to feel close to her.
I looked down at the ground in avoidance and said quietly, "Since the night
before I met you."
She gasped audibly as her mouth dropped open in shock. She took a step
closer, titling her head. "You watch me get undressed every night?"
Sighing and closing my eyes briefly, I whispered, "Sometimes, yes. But
sometimes I just watch you move about the room…just so I can see you
before I go to bed." Even before we broke up, I loved watching her every
move when she didn't know I was looking. She was so beautiful and natural
and just Bella.
"You are a filthy fucking piece of shit pervert, you know that? God…" she
stormed away without letting me explain. Not that there was anything more
to clarify, but still. I had officially gone from "I fucking hate you" to
"fucking piece of shit pervert." I wasn't sure if that was a promotion or
demotion.
"Beautiful…I'm sorry," I called after her, but she was too far gone to hear
me. "I love you."
Stupidly, I thought that eventually in time she would get over it and think
that maybe it was even amusing. However, I fully deserved her reaction and
wasn't dense enough to think otherwise.
Later that night with my cigarette in hand, I went outside with such
apprehension, not entirely knowing what to expect. For the first time in six
months, Bella's blinds were closed tightly, effectively shutting me out of the
last bit of intimacy that I had with her. I sighed sadly, knowing that her
preventative actions against my lurking were completely warranted.
And it was then that I really, really felt alone.
That next morning, I woke up to find a wrapped box sitting on the hood of
my car. Eyeing it warily, I opened it up with extreme trepidation, having no
idea what could possibly be inside. But as I lifted the top of the box, seeing
the wrinkled heart patterned tissue paper it was nestled in, I knew in an
instant what it was.
Bella had returned the sparkle peen...officially having removed all traces of
my presence from her life.
Three simple words were written on a pink Post-It Note in her handwriting:
Go Fuck Yourself
~%~

Hugs and kisses to Stacey for the returning of the sparklepeen idea. And
thank you to everyone for the song recs, I appreciate them.

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2010
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
This chapter is long, and there's a lot of stuff happening. Originally it
was a 21,000 word double chapter but it was too much to process at
once, so I chopped it and made another chapter out of the second part.
Epov should be up in a week or so.
Thank you to Erika for your awesome skills, and to Suzy as always for
everything. Love you bb.
OOOH! And I was given the honor and privelage of being invited to be
a VIP author on A Different Forest! As soon as I get my shit together, I
will be posting there too. If you haven't seen the site go check it out. Its
pretty cool.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 34 Scars that Won't Heal
When you're gone it feels like,
My whole worlds gone with you
I thought love would be my cure
But now it's my disease
I try to act mature
But I'm a baby when you leave
How can I ever get used to being without you
Am I addicted
When I need you here all the time
And I'm not sure if this is healthy
Is it a sickness
Cos I feel like I'm losing my mind
Alicia Keys~ Love Is My Disease
~Bella~
Edward, I miss you.
I knew I would, but this is just…unbearable.
I cry a lot.
A lot.
I just want you to know that I am so sorry for leaving you.
I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
After abandoning my nightly prayers, I took up talking to Edward instead. I
knew he couldn't hear me, but somehow, I hoped he could feel me still
loving him. I hoped he still knew I meant the words that I could no longer
speak aloud to him.
~%~
My therapist told me that people who go through breakups often experience
the same emotions of grief similar to when someone dies. She also
mentioned that there were five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance. Edward seemed to have found himself a nice
little niche right between the anger and depression phases and settled there
quite contentedly.
It was maddening.
When Dr. Greene called to follow up on me, after I failed to contact her
when she'd asked, she told me that Edward likely needed to feel anger
toward me in order to cope with the situation and loss of control over it. I
hadn't realized that in our relationship, he held all of the control, and it was
sort of enlightening to have this brought to the surface. He was always the
one to dictate what we could and couldn't do, and when I left him, he likely
didn't know how to handle not having the upper hand. In a very fucked up
way I actually felt sorry for taking that away from him, the one little bit of
control over his free will that he did have.
But as far as I was concerned, he had a lot of fucking nerve being mad at me,
when he was the one who was in the wrong here. Granted, I understood how
he could be upset about thinking that I wrote him off by not wearing his
gifts, which by the way I loved, and had no intention of giving them back,
even if his lawyer showed up at my door to sequester them for evidence or
something. Those Dior boots were going to the grave with me, and if
Edward wanted them back, he'd have to pry them off my cold, dead,
probably still virginal body.
It wasn't the fact that they were, indeed, Dior, it was that he had paid enough
attention to me to notice when I admired them...found them out on the net
and somehow managed to get them in the right size. They say it's the thought
that counts and he had definitely put a lot of thought into them. That was
what counted most to me.
But he immediately jumped to conclusions upon hearing a rumor that I was
at the movies with Jake—fucking big mouth Lauren and her stupid sister
who pretended to be all nice and friendly to me only to talk shit the very
next day—and truth be told, I understood that too. None of it was intentional
to hurt Edward. In fact, the only reason I even went shopping was because I
was so depressed over the loss of his presence in my life, on top of the guilt
of leaving him when I knew he needed me the most, that I had to do
something to take my mind off of him. Shopping almost always made me
feel better, and for about half an hour, it did just that. But then as I was
leaving the mall, I realized that I had to go home to a cold, empty house and
eat frozen mac & cheese by myself, when normally I'd be at the Cullen's
eating something tofu based for dinner and it made me want to bawl…and
call Edward in a fit of tears. I was totally trying to avoid that.
When I ran into Jake, he said the girl he was supposed to be hanging out
with had cancelled their date and he suggested we grab a pizza and a movie.
I was utterly relieved, to be truthful. Feeling as forlorn as I was, I couldn't
say no to his company, but I made sure he knew that it wasn't a date. Jake
looked at me like I was crazy, reminding me that because of our age
difference he could get arrested for even thinking such a thing. Then I felt
completely stupid for thinking that he would think it was a date, but he was
totally cool and teased me about it for the rest of the night.
The whole thing was completely harmless, and he actually made me laugh
quite a few times, which was something I really hadn't done in a while. It
was fun to just be friends with a guy without all those underlying
expectations. It was also nice to be able to talk to someone who didn't know
Edward or his situation and wasn't biased one way or another. Rose and
Alice had been outstanding as far as keeping me sane, but it was hard for
them to be entirely objective when they were in love with and sleeping with
my ex's brothers.
Ex…God, I hated that word. It sounded so final.
The biggest thing for me was the fact that I loved Edward to death and I
didn't want to let him go, but had to. Did I regret it? Hell yeah, every second,
to the point that I held my phone in my hand at night, struggling with my
very stubborn and depressed subconscious to not call him. I saw him pop
online a few times too, and I just wanted to IM him to see how he was
doing, but really, what the hell was I going to say?
"How is your heart doing after I've crushed it with the nine hundred dollar
boots you bought me for Christmas?"
What do you say to the person you love, but can't be with for their own
good? All for the sake of doing something right for him.
I was at a complete loss as to what to do, and though my friends were
amazingly supportive, they weren't much help in the boyfriend advice
department, considering they were both as new as I was with relationships.
Alice was adamant about me standing my ground, because she knew as we
all did, the second I heard his voice I would cave and that wouldn't do either
of us any good. Rose surprisingly, wanted to see me try to maintain some
sort of friendship with Edward, considering all that we had been through. I
think her opinion was swayed greatly by Emmett's influence. He knew
Edward was hurting and I'm pretty sure he just wanted his brother's suffering
to be lessened. I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't want to be without him.
I just knew it was the right thing for now. If I kept enabling Edward, he
wouldn't ever take the initiative to get stronger.
Things with my dad got remarkably better. Since he had the security alarm
installed, he knew my comings and goings (not that I had much of a social
life) and he usually called twice a day to check in on the days that he
remained in Seattle held up at work. The over-protectiveness was annoying
at first, but then most of the time, we would talk for a little while and it
actually became kind of nice. He was also home a lot more, and we often ate
dinner together before he would head back to the city. I actually started to
miss him when he was gone. But not too much.
The wooden frame of the "for sale" sign was still mounted out on the front
lawn; however, the actual sign with all the info had mysteriously
disappeared. And when the stupid bossy real-estate lady replaced it…twice,
it somehow kept going missing. I was just hoping that I didn't get a flat tire,
and need access to my spare, because there would be three heavy metal signs
blocking the way.
I didn't tell my dad or Maggie the specifics of what happened with Edward
and I. I mentioned that we got into a disagreement, and that we were taking a
break for a while, because it wasn't a lie, and the last person I wanted to
know the truth of what had really happened was my dad. I wasn't about to
douse his misgivings about my boyfriend with proverbial lighter fluid to fan
the flame any more than necessary. Because, I was still hoping that we
would find our way back to each other, and I didn't want his view to be
tainted anymore that it already was. I learned from my mother's many past
indiscretions, that when she bad-mouthed the boyfriend, and then took him
back, she expected me to forgive him the same way she did, only I always
seemed unable to let go of those ill feelings toward him.
Things with Edward and I were weird, at best. He ignored me, I ignored
him… and we gave each other a respectful distance. Okay, so I may have
only been pretending to ignore him, but really what I was doing was looking
at him any time I knew he wouldn't catch me, and I skillfully learned how to
carry on a conversation over the noise of the cafeteria, while still being able
to pin point his voice over the clamor.
I also enlisted Alice, Rose and even Angela to make sure I was kept
informed of anything major or minor going on in his life, because I was not
ready or really willing to entirely let him go. I suppose knowing that he
couldn't be with anyone else, and the fact that he was so emotionally fucked
up, kind of gave me a sense of security that I wouldn't have to deal with him
finding comfort in another girl's arms….unless she was over eighteen….and
that was the part that I kept in denial, choosing to ignore that the option was
available to him. That was also what I had always feared the most.
But through all of this, Edward remained genuinely angry at me, and it was
so hurtful. I did try to nonchalantly talk to him on a few occasions, but he
just snapped at me and it really hurt my feelings so I stopped trying and gave
him space. I was so, so sad about the loss of him in my life.
He sat a foot away from me in lunch and bio, but didn't utter a word during
our labs which we worked independently on while the rest of the class
collaborated. We made entire meals in cooking, only speaking to each other
when absolutely necessary, and "Please pass the measuring cup," did not
qualify as conversation in my book.
I felt so stupid, because I honestly thought that we could try to go back to
being friends like we did in the beginning. I mean, it would have been pretty
unproblematic because it wasn't as though we had to deal with the
awkwardness of not hugging or kissing and general intimacy stuff. But I was
mad…mad that he was mad, when I was the one that was betrayed and hurt
by his careless and reckless actions, and I was even more pissed that he had
to take control of the situation, turn it around so he be the predominantly
mad one! How unfair was that? The nerve…
It wasn't until one afternoon stuck on the bleachers during gym that I was
frustrated and yammering on incessantly about how I thought maybe he
didn't love me as much as I thought, because if he did, he would at least
want to be friends or whatever, and not cut me completely out of his life.
Rose and Alice exchanged weird glances and I knew they knew something I
didn't. Rose was extremely reluctant, but felt she had the obligation to let me
know that she had caught Edward twice, trying to sneak a peek into my
window at night. He was most certainly not cutting me out of his life, but
keeping a very private and personal part of me all to himself.
Though her intention in telling me was not meant to anger me, or to get
Edward in trouble, simply to prove that he still cared, in actuality it worked
the opposite.
Like a light slowly being switched on, I began to realize that on a few
occasions, he had made questionable comments about what I was wearing or
something to that effect, that he could only have known by watching me
through the window. I could only assume he did it often, and he'd been doing
it for a while. I was absolutely appalled and infuriated that he had kept this
from me, considering it was a blatant disregard and invasion of my privacy.
It wasn't about the fact that he did it, because quite honestly if I'd known he
could see me through the trees, I would have taken advantage of it and given
him a little show. But we were together six months, we'd been through so
much together in such a short time and we were even about to get married
and he couldn't divulge this information to me? What if Jasper or Emmet had
gone out there to smoke up or something and saw me? Or God forbid
Carlisle?
Appalled and hurt, I confronted him at school, while fuming and seething
and wanting to punch him in his stupid, beautiful, broken face. When he told
me he'd been watching me before we had even met, I freaked out at the little
smirk that feathered at the corners of hips. To an outsider, they probably
wouldn't have noticed, but for me…the person that knew all of his facial
expressions like my heartbeat… knew that trace of a smirk meant he thought
it was amusing. Fucking amusing?
After what I had been through in California, with my privacy intruded upon
and my whole life being viewed by creepy teenager voyeurs, I couldn't
believe he had the audacity to think that this was at all entertaining.
Edward's nonchalance about the whole thing enraged me… like he expected
me to think it was okay or something simply because he was my boyfriend
doing it and he'd seen me naked before. Well, it fucking wasn't okay,
especially since he openly admitted that he'd been doing it even before he
knew my fucking name. As a woman, thoroughly scorned, I sent him a clear
message that what he did was very wrong.
Only, a few days after I dropped off the box containing the sparklepeen on
his car, I thoroughly regretted giving it back. In my mind, I remembered how
we laughed so hard when we made it, and how he was so proud of himself
that he created it to perfection on the first try. I remembered the way we both
got off and God, did I miss that. I missed him. I could just imagine the hurt
look on his face at having returned the thing that was so much a part of us.
But I couldn't allow him to know this. I refused to let him take advantage of
me or let him think he could walk all over me. I needed to get some of the
control back.
And so we continued to be angry with each other, ignoring and avoiding. I
gave him scornful glances and an effective stink eye every so often just to
make a point. Sometimes I reminded myself that he was hurting badly at the
moment, but I just couldn't get past another betrayal from him.
About a week after I'd returned the sparklepeen, I'd woken up to blaring light
streaming through my windows and the sound of voices yelling and metal
scraping violently on pavement. As I rose out of bed, groggy and pissed off
at being woken up so early on a Saturday, I peered out the window, wiping
the sleep from my eyes.
Everything was covered with a fluffy blanket of white snow, so stark against
the black bark of the trees. There was something having to do with the
elevation, why this part of Washington didn't get snow, but every now and
then, it slipped through. There was a good eight inches on the ground with
puffy flakes still falling and it reminded me of Christmas in Chicago,
instantly making me smile at the memory.
I sort of stood there staring blankly down at Jasper, Emmett and Edward,
dressed to the nines in ski jackets and snow boots, shoveling the snow off
my walkway. I could see that they had done Alice's house across the street
and I was willing to bet Esme had something to do with the neighborly
gesture.
I was so busy staring at Edward in his black knit hat that I was startled when
Jasper threw a snowball at my window, splattering white on the glass. He
was yelling something but it was muffled, so I opened the window, letting
little piles of freshly fallen snow gather on the sill.
"What are you doing?" I yelled, leaning out on the sill. The air was
absolutely frigid. I pulled back instinctively to wrap my arms around myself,
remembering that I had on only a white shirt with no bra and flannel pajama
pants.
Jasper yelled up, "Painting the fucking Sistine Chapel, what's it look like?" I
rolled my eyes, dodging another snowball thrown by Emmett. Edward
continued to shovel, giving me a quick, expressionless glance. His cheeks
were rosy and he looked really cold. I knew how he hated manual labor and
I imagined how he had probably exhausted every curse word in his
vocabulary while he was doing his neighborly duty.
"You don't have to do that," I yelled, sounding totally ungrateful, but not
meaning to.
Emmett chuckled. "Oh, like you're gonna get your lazy ass out here to do it
yourself?'
I shrugged with a giggle as I motioned with my hand. "Okay, carry on then."
"Hey, toss me your car keys so we can do the driveway." I gave Jasper my
index finger indicating to wait one minute.
I shut the window, throwing on a sweatshirt and slippers, heading
downstairs. After I tossed my keys to Jasper, I made four mugs of hot
chocolate, put three of them on a tray and set it down on the freshly cleared
front porch. Again, Edward took a brief moment to make eye contact with
me, and then continued to shovel.
Peeking my head out the front door I called out, "Hey, you guys want
breakfast?" After seeing them working so hard they looked like they could
use a break. "I can make pancakes or something."
Emmett responded with an enthusiastic, "Hell yeah!"
I began on the pancakes, setting another pan out to fry up some bacon. I
knew I would likely go through the whole box of mix and an entire bottle of
syrup, but it didn't matter much, I was just glad I could repay them
somehow. Truth was, I didn't even know if we owned a snow shovel and I
wasn't ashamed to admit that I really didn't have much experience with
outdoor maintenance type stuff.
When I had a pancake stack about a foot high, I set the table with four
places, nervous about what to do with Edward. This undoubtedly would be
totally weird and I wasn't at all prepared for the awkwardness of it. I opened
the door to call them inside, and frowned when I noticed that the tray had
two empty mugs and one still full, no traces of it having been sipped from.
Emmett and Jasper came in, nosily kicking their boots in the front hallway,
removing their outerwear and rubbing their hands together to warm up. I
took a peek outside, to see Edward sitting on the front porch alone, smoking
a cigarette.
I motioned for the boys to sit down, and they didn't bother waiting for me to
invite them to help themselves before half the food was devoured, amidst
forks clinking and appreciative yummy sounds. I made a plate for myself
and one for Edward setting his in the place across from mine. As I drank
from my orange juice glass, I heard the shovel scraping the sidewalk again.
"He's not coming in?" I asked softly, with a disappointed sigh.
They both shrugged apologetically. I pushed my chair out with a scrape, and
opened the front door. Edward looked up, and then away, shaking his head
slightly, as if he were grumbling something to himself.
"You can come in you know. You're invited to eat too." I was a little snippier
than I should have been, and I wasn't exactly sure why. I guess it just
irritated me that he would think he wasn't included…unless he didn't even
want to be in my presence.
He shook his head without looking at me, continuing to shovel.
I gritted my teeth exhaling a steady breath. Maybe if I tried a different
approach?
"I made you a plate. Pancakes…bacon…OJ…." I wasn't really certain why I
was so insulted and hurt that he didn't want to join us, but I was. And I
couldn't pinpoint the exact reason why it was so important for me to have
him come in.
Yeah, so I was totally kidding myself. I knew exactly why it was so
important to me. I needed to be in his presence...needed to feel him close to
me...to see him...hear him breathe...smell his cologne. I needed these things
to be refilled in my senses as they were slowly losing their potency.
I huffed in agitation. "I promise I didn't poison it or anything. Please?" I
asked, softly.
Edward stopped shoveling, visibly torn by the decision to come inside or
not. Eventually he nodded, leaning his shovel up against the porch rails, and
quietly followed me inside. He had taken off everything except his hat,
which I had a feeling was because he didn't want me to see him with his hair
all matted and sweaty.
The dark black of the hat and the rosy pink flushed over his cheeks made his
eyes look crystal green. I missed those eyes. He also had on the Gap hoodie
that we bought in what seemed like a lifetime ago. I almost wanted to ask
him to leave it with me so I could smell it and cuddle with it before
bedtime…completely lose myself in it.
Edward ate in silence, while his brothers talked boisterously amongst
themselves, quickly dissipating most of the awkward haze in the air. Edward
remained resolute, keeping his face emotionless and stoic while he devoured
his breakfast in silence.
When they were finished eating, Edward was the last to stand, and the only
one of the boys to pick up his plate. On his example they did the same,
depositing them carefully into the sink, thanking me before heading back out
to finish. Edward loitered in the kitchen a minute, obviously wanting to say
something to me without an audience.
I leaned against the counter, my hands fidgeting nervously with my
sweatshirt sleeves, waiting with baited breath for him to say something…
anything. A burp would even suffice.
He opened his mouth, and then closed it, shaking his head. Instead, he just
whispered, "Thank you for breakfast," and walked off leaving me with my
mouth open in disappointment. He looked so broken…and I knew that I did
that to him. I felt my heart fall into my stomach which was fighting to hold
onto the breakfast I had just eaten.
It was at that point, that I started to reconsider the whole thing, thinking that
I should have been sticking by him, regardless of what he had done. But
there was so much resentment festering amongst my desire to be with him,
that I couldn't determine which one would be the dominant, and what I was
afraid of, was that our past baggage would spoil our future. I couldn't allow
that to happen, so I continued to stand my ground, giving him the time he
needed alone, and hating every fucking second that we were apart.
I went upstairs, watching from my window as the three boys, dragged their
shovels down the block toward their home, my driveway and walkway clear
of snow. Edward lagged behind, his head down and the sight of him so
forlorn looking made me tear up. He glanced quickly back at the house, and
then kept walking solemnly. I crawled back into bed, hugging my pillow,
wishing he was beside me, or that I at least had his sweatshirt to keep me
company.
As the weeks dragged on, the days got slightly warmer with the looming
promise of spring. I bought a plane ticket to California, excited to see my
mom over spring break, but other than that, things continued as they were,
both of our worlds full of ignoring and feigned indifference. Only I was sort
of dying inside while pretending to be fine. However, Edward…seemed to
be doing the exact opposite.
I noticed a distinct difference in him about four weeks after our breakup. To
anyone else it was subtle, because the girls thought I was crazy, and saw no
perceptible changes, but I could tell. Edward was…different, brighter
somehow, as though a little of his pain had lifted. He had begun to volunteer
answers in class, whereas before, he never spoke unless he was called upon
by the teacher. His clothes changed slightly, not the style necessarily, but the
colors were brighter, more vivid, less black and gray and more blues and
greens.
Once, he even wore red. And then he smiled…a lot more than he ever had
before. He had actual conversations with Ben, Tyler and Jasper in the
cafeteria, and sometimes when Emmett came to lunch, he joined in as well.
Before, Edward peppered his thoughts in a conversation with snarky retorts
or disgruntled mumbles, but now, he was actually…I don't know…making
an effort?
It was during lunch when I learned that he had plans to try out for the
baseball team. I was trying, as I always did, to listen to Alice with one ear,
while the other filtered out extraneous noise, with one ear focused so I could
listen to Edward. Upon hearing this, I was ecstatic and doing internal back
flips for his progress. However, I just gave him a small knowing smirk
which he returned with a subtle eye roll and nothing further was said about
it. But we both knew that it was a big deal. My heart melted at our brief
connection.
That afternoon, I snuck up to the cooking classroom once the final bell let
out, because I knew I would be able to see the baseball field from there
undetected by him. I watched in rapt fascination as he whipped the ball at
the batter, gaining a whole lot of impressed teammates, with the exception of
Mike Newton, who Edward had effectively replaced as pitcher. Because of
course, he made the team. I beamed with pride at his courage and at his skill,
hoping that whatever had made him finally commit to this was something
that was permanent.
And yes…I was well aware that watching him unbeknownst to him, made
me a huge fucking hypocrite. Oh well. He wasn't naked (though I wouldn't
have minded) and that was the difference.
I spent the week of Easter vacation with my mom and Phil, drenched in the
warmth of the sun and the scent of chlorine and salt water, loving the way
the fine blades of freshly cut grass felt on my bare feet. I was wary about
going back there, mostly because I didn't want to run into Bree, who was
inconveniently located right across the street from my mom's house, so a run
in was almost inevitable.
But the bad memories of what had happened to me there had been strongly
outweighed with the knowledge that karma could be a cruel hearted bitch.
Bree had apparently gotten knocked up by none other than Reilly, who was
now a high school dropout and working in Mc Donald's to support his
illegitimate child. So, so sad.
For that week, my mom left her boutiques to her managers while we spent
long days by the pool, drinking daiquiris—I was adding rum in mine when
she wasn't looking—and gorging ourselves on junk food then shopping at
the outdoor flea markets. I bought a ton of cute sundresses and sandals,
thinking that I was probably going to spend part of the summer in California
instead of Forks. I needed a break from seeing Edward everyday and not
being able to love him the way I wanted to. My mom listened eagerly to
every word I said, whether it was about school or work, the girls, or my dad
and Maggie, or about Edward.
It was mostly about Edward.
And when it was time to leave, I cried my heart out, knowing I would be
missing my mom the second I stepped on that plane. I promised her I would
be back for a few weeks during the summer, truly looking forward to it.
On our first day back to school, I felt ridiculously bronze against my pale
classmates, trying to ignore all their jealous glares. I was having some pretty
bad period cramps and kind of groaned my way through the morning. Once I
got into Bio, they had progressed to the next level, and I was about to high
tale it out of there when Edward took his seat next to me and just stared.
Ignoring his blazing eyes on me, I laid my head down on the table, feeling
the cool black surface against my cheek.
He quirked an eyebrow. "What's wrong?"
I almost startled when he spoke to me, considering we hadn't said a word to
each other in weeks.
"Ugh, bad cramps. You wouldn't happen to have any Midol on you?"
Obviously, I knew he didn't but he always kept some kind of painkiller in his
bag for his headaches or random attempts at disassociating himself with
reality.
"Uh, no I don't keep anything on me anymore." He turned around in his seat,
laying his forearms on the lab table behind him. "Hey, Jen…"
Jennifer Miller, the blonde haired, big boobed, stereotypically beautiful
Cheerleader /Homecoming Queen/all around perfect girl that most likely had
something really fucked up going on at home—because those types of girls
always did— gave Edward a huge smile and replied cheerfully, "Hey
Edward, what's up?" as if they were old friends or something.
I stiffened, looking up at him incredulously. Since when did he associate
with her? Or anyone for that matter?
He played absently with the strap of her bag. "You wouldn't happen to have
any Midol on you?" His voice was so smooth it sent tingles to my lady parts.
I don't think he was intentionally flirting with her, but he was definitely
doing something manipulative. If I hadn't been completely in love with him
already, I would have been after that display.
Edward smirked, adding. "Not for me…for Bella."
"Of course," she smiled at me kindly. "Ummm, no Midol, but I think I have
some Advil." She fished for it in her bag and then held the bottle out to
Edward with a bright smile. We both thanked her before turning around in
our seats. Edward popped the cap open, placing two blue pills on my open
notebook. Then he unscrewed the cap to his Snapple, and slid that over
across the desk top. I stared at it warily, because Edward hadn't even thought
twice about allowing me to contaminate his drink even after a month and a
half of not talking and general hostility toward one another.
"Thanks," I whispered eyeing him cautiously, taking the pills and a generous
swallow of iced tea. "Since when are you so buddy- buddy with her?" I
whispered.
"Who, Jen?" he chuckled lightly. "Her boyfriend Brian is on the baseball
team with me. And she's also a Stat Girl. We all know her."
I nodded, totally taken back by the comfortable exchange of pleasantries
between them. It made me sort of happy for him that he could do that now,
but entirely weirded out just the same. He wasn't ever that nice to anyone
really, except for me, and that may have struck a sour note with me.
Edward looked down, spinning his pen on his book. "You know, birth
control pills are supposed to help with cramps."
I just gave him a face that pretty much said, um…what?
He shrugged his shoulders. "I knew a girl in Chicago who got terrible
cramps all the time and then when she went on the pill they stopped. Just
saying."
"I'll keep that in mind." I turned around and gave Jen her pills back with a
smile.
Edward began to doodle aimlessly on his paper bag book cover. He was the
only person in the entire school that refreshed his once a month like
clockwork, so they were always new. Everyone else's were practically
hanging off by threads.
"So, um…did you have a nice time at your mom's?" I never told him I was
going to my mother's over the break, because we hadn't spoken, but I
assumed because of my newly bronze skin color and probably my girlfriends
chatty mouths, that he knew. I was almost alarmed at his attempt at
conversation.
"Um…yeah, it was great, actually. I really missed her and Phil…and the
sun," I chuckled. "What did you do, anything?"
He shook his head pursing his lips. "Just baseball practice."
"How's that going?" I asked as though I hadn't watched him almost every
day and knew it was going really well. At least from an outsider's
perspective it appeared that way. I kind of paused sadly, lamenting at that
thought, because really, that was what I was now to him…just an outsider.
"Good, good. It's…really nice to play again," he sighed, scratching the back
of his neck.
"Bella…I uh…." Banner interrupted us then with the lab assignment and we
promptly got to work, which effectively ended our conversation. "Never
mind," he whispered softly. At least he was no longer antagonistic. That was
something, right?
But after that, things remained the same, just the two of us being very
cordial to one another, almost to the point that we were distant
acquaintances, as opposed to ex boyfriend/girlfriend. It was so weird. Our
gang was very accommodating throughout the whole thing. The girls hung
out with me on Friday nights, while the boys hung out separately, doing
whatever it was that boys did.
On Saturdays, they hung out as couples and sometimes I would occupy
myself with a movie and takeout food, feeling sad and sorry for my
lonesome self. They always invited me to go out with them, but since I knew
Edward was also invited, I declined. Besides, the last thing I wanted was to
be a fifth wheel or an uncomfortable sixth if Edward was to go, but Alice
said Edward rarely hung out with them anyway. Other times, I would go to
Seattle to spent time with my dad and Maggie or on occasion, they would
come to Forks for the weekend.
To say I was lonely was a vast understatement.
I hung out with Angela a lot after school because she was fun and sweet and
very unbiased. She made me join the Leader's Club with her, which was a
stupid name for a club that basically only did fundraisers and volunteer stuff
for the sake of school spirit.
We were currently working on prom bullshit, carwashes, the Senior picnic
and the talent show; which from what I had heard, was a huge event at Forks
High School and one of their big money makers of the year. Between that
and Yearbook, it kept me busy yet still gave me ample time to watch Edward
practice, so it was a win-win for me.
Without even thinking about it, I went to every single one of Edward's
baseball games, unbeknownst to anyone. His whole family was there in the
stands cheering him on, including my girlfriends, so it was too weird for me
to be there and not be there with him or for him. I knew they all went out
afterward to get ice cream or whatever, and it hurt me so much knowing that
I wasn't a part of their lives…and that it had been my choice.
Well, it was never really my choice, because what I would have chosen,
given the opportunity, would be for me and Edward to be together without
restraining orders, ex girlfriends, drugs, over protective fathers or basic
bullshit in general involved. As if that would ever happen.
It was also hard, because there was a sudden influx of girls that began to
regularly attend the games, and I am pretty sure it was because they went to
ogle Edward's ass. God did his ass look amazing in those tight baseball
pants. Sometimes I would get lost in that ass, as its perfection hypnotized
me. Can't say I blamed their ogling one bit.
During the away games, I would purposely arrive a little late, and I'd sit in
my car with a cup of Starbucks and watch inconspicuously from there. For
the home games, I would sneak into the open school under the guise of
needing to use the bathroom and then find my way upstairs, so that I could
get a bird's eye view of the field. I always had to hide my car on a residential
side street, because I didn't want to get caught. My dad's spy skills were
definitely inherited and he'd likely be proud of me.
Edward on a baseball field…was nothing short of astounding. He was a
totally different person out there. He demanded attention and he got it. He
sort of sauntered out onto the mound with this distinct air of confidence
about him…one that I had never seen before. Edward looked totally relaxed
and completely sure of himself as he took his practice throws.
The catcher and coach would run out to him on the mound before the game
started. He would listen intensely for a few minutes before he threw his head
back and laughed like someone had told him the funniest joke ever told. The
coach would either fist bumped him or clap his shoulder and shake him
affectionately, and the catcher always smacked his ass with his glove, which
I thought was kind of odd, but I think it was tradition or something.
Edward's rituals were always the same. He would look down and rub his
foot into the dirt making a divot for his foot to rest. He then swirled his arm
in a windmill fashion, grabbing his elbow and stretching it across his chest.
Then he would reach into his shirt, pull out the black leather necklace he'd
always had on and brought whatever was hanging from it up to his lips. He
actually looked like he kissed it before returning it to the safety of his jersey.
I was assuming that it was his good luck charm.
The royal blue "Spartan" script ran proudly across his chest and I could see a
hint of a blue t-shirt tucked into his pinstriped pants. His high royal blue
socks showed off his long legs as he walked off the mound to take his last
calming breaths. He returned to the mound, tipped his hat to the catcher and
the game started. He absolutely amazed me with the grace he possessed on
the pitcher's mound. The way he threw the ball, like captured lightening, was
breathtaking to say the least. There was no question that he had found his
home, his niche in the world, his happy place. I was thrilled for him. And
apparently, so was the rest of the school, because the winning streak that the
Forks high baseball team was on was apparently attributed to their new
pitcher and the fact that his pitches were so fast, the batters on the other team
didn't have a chance in hell.
However, he seemed completely disinterested in me. Sometimes I would try
to make conversation with him in class, and he would be nice, and talk to me
about nothing in particular for a few minutes, but he'd always be the one to
end the conversation, leaving me thinking that he didn't want to be bothered
to have it in the first place. It stayed that way for a while and I began to give
up hope that he and I would never find our way back to one another.
I mean, obviously, whatever he was doing was making a dramatic impact on
his life. Whether it was the new meds he was on, or the counseling, the fact
that he wasn't smoking cigarettes or weed anymore (which I had heard
through the not so quiet grapevine) or because he was playing baseball, I
couldn't be certain, but it was working. Edward was a new man.
What I feared the most, was that maybe it was all those things combined, or
maybe it was just the fact that I wasn't in his life anymore and causing him
all that angst, that was making him healthy. Maybe what I had wanted for
him so badly had actually come to fruition—that the possibility of him
healing and getting better without me in his life was working and that he was
in fact, better off without me.
And so March turned to April, and April turned to May and the weather
began to grow warmer and there were more bouts of sun. There was
incessant talk about the Prom and prom dresses and prom music and prom
blah, blah, blah, all of which kind of made me sick to think about, because I
wasn't going. I really, really wanted to go, but only with Edward and
obviously that wasn't happening because he didn't go to dances. Oh yeah,
and because we weren't speaking.
However, mostly everything else in my life remained stagnant with a few
minor changes. After Edward's random birth control suggestion, and another
month of having severe cramps, my gyno put me on the pill. No more
cramps and three day periods that I barely noticed, thank you very much,
Edward. I was also thankful that I was still under my mom's insurance,
because if my father knew I was on the pill, he'd have a chastity belt
installed.
And on another light note, I did also learn through a very excited Alice, that
Esme was having a little girl. I was thrilled for all of them and bought the
baby a tiny pink pair of sparkly slippers no bigger than the size of my
pointer finger. I sent them over with little ruffled socks and tiny hair bows in
a gift bag, left on their doorstep.
Oh, and while getting a trim, Maggie talked me into getting caramel
highlights in my hair. Edward, who hadn't acknowledged me in weeks,
turned to me in Bio one afternoon, picking up a lock of hair to inspect it. He
then promptly let me know that he hated it and it made me look "fake."
I gave him the finger, told him it wasn't his business anymore and then
because I still had the innate desire to please him, had it changed back to my
natural color the following weekend.
However, that was the weekend that changed everything. Because that was
the weekend I met Jamie.
I was doing a party in Port Angeles, for little five year old Katie's Cinderella
themed birthday, and the dress and wig were so frigging itchy I couldn't
stand one more second in it. After my hour of enchantment and magic was
up, I changed in the hostess's bathroom, and when no one was looking, I
swiped an unassigned goodie bag off the gift table and stuffed it under the
poufy dress hanging over my arm. (There was a candy necklace in there and
I really wanted it. I may have also wanted the stupid ginormous sparkly fake
pink diamond ring too. It took very little to please me these days.) Only,
after swiping it, I hadn't realized that Katie's ridiculously cute older brother,
was lurking around the corner, waiting for me to get out of the bathroom,
which he later admitted.
He caught me, and when I slyly tried to slip the bag back onto the table, he
wagged his finger at me, smiling. "Too late. You got caught red handed. I
might have to tell my mom that Cinderella is a thief." He smirked, leaning
against the wall. Oh, he was so totally flirting with me.
I was embarrassed to say the least, but I feigned remorse and shame,
thinking I too could flirt my way out of the humiliation. Gasping, I threw my
hand over my heart and whispered, "You wouldn't dare do that to a poor,
orphaned fairly tale character."
He chuckled lightly, his bright blue eyes sparkling. "I'm no Prince
Charming…but I'll tell you what. You give me that pack of Twizzlers in
there, and we'll pretend this never happened." I quirked an eyebrow at him,
narrowing my eyes. He had this shaggy blonde hair and he was baby faced,
wearing a tee shirt and jeans with one of those shell necklaces. All American
surfer boy next door. He was adorable, even if he did threaten to tell his
mom on me.
"Deal."
We spent the next half hour on his back steps, bullshitting and chomping on
chocolate Twizzlers. I told him that I was going through a recent breakup,
and he admitted that he was as well. Though our respective relationship
issues were worlds apart, I think we could relate to one another in only that
way the mutually broken hearted could.
Before leaving, when he asked for my number I hesitantly gave him my
email address instead, thinking that it would be nice to have someone my
own age, particularly a male to talk to that wasn't a Cullen, or friends with a
Cullen. I wasn't in any mindset to get involved with anyone else and I
thought that by giving him something as impersonal as my email made that
clear.
Much to my surprise, Jamie sent me an email that night and we ended up
talking for a long time through our IM functions. He was funny and very
sweet, in a sort of geeky kind of way. He asked me if I wanted to go with
him to this carnival fundraiser thing his school was having the following
weekend, and knowing I would be sitting home by my lonesome again on
Saturday night, I gladly accepted. It didn't feel remotely weird or bad or
wrong at the time.
That Saturday was unusually warm, sunny, and in the high sixties. Edward
had a morning game in Hoquiam that I didn't make because I had overslept.
Instead, I spent the day outside in the yard, weeding and planting pink
Impatiens (that I bought at the school flower sale, after being bullied by
Angela to contribute to the cause) in the flower beds, and enjoying the rare
bit of sun, hoping it would supplement my mostly faded suntan.
I noticed that the cat family that had been living under my front porch had
relocated, probably to live somewhere less depressing.
Around five, I headed inside to shower, not really knowing what to wear,
because I didn't want to seem too eager, and I definitely didn't want to give
Jamie the wrong message. He knew that I wasn't entirely capable of much
more than friendship with him and he seemed fine with that.
We had met in PA earlier that week to grab some pizza, and though it was
weird at first, it was really fun hanging out with him. But this was a
nighttime thing, totally different from hanging out after school and I didn't
know what the hell I was doing.
I finished blow drying my hair and applied some mascara when the doorbell
rang. Alice was in full theatric make up, her hair back in a ponytail,
obviously having come straight from a gig.
"What are you guys up to later?" I asked, as she followed me up the stairs
back to my room. I was going to invite them to the carnival thing but I
thought better of it, feeling that there was enough weirdness between
Edward and me, to not draw lines between friends.
She sighed, flopping down in my rocker. "Same old shit, you know? I think
there's supposed to be a bonfire next weekend, but we'll probably just end up
parking around the block, getting drunk in Jasper's car and then fooling
around until we're sober." Alice rolled her eyes expressing the boredom of
that idea. "Oh…sorry," she cringed, realizing she was being insensitive,
which she sort of was, but it truly didn't bother me.
"Sounds fun," I chuckled.
"Where are you off to tonight, Missy?"
I shrugged. "Hanging out with a friend." I hadn't told her or Rose about my
newly formed friendship with Jamie, simply because they had big mouths
and their boyfriends knew everything in ten seconds flat. It wasn't a secret
by any means, but I didn't want it to get to Edward and have him assume the
wrong idea, like he did when he found out I went to the movies with Jake
that one time. That was assuming he even still gave a shit.
"A friend?" she narrowed her eyes playfully at me. "What friend is this?"
"Just someone I met at a gig. We're going to a school carnival," I mumbled,
as I swiped pink gloss over my lips.
"Someone? A boy someone? Cause, you don't wear your favorite ass
hugging jeans for a girl someone…unless, Edward turned you on to the
other team?"
I rolled my eyes. "It's not like that Al. He's just a friend. We've been talking
on the computer and he's cool, you know? He just went through a break up
too, so he gets it."
"So then this is a date? Well, good for you then, I guess. It's about time you
shit or got off the pot."
I stopped to look at her through the reflection in the mirror. "What's that
supposed to mean?"
"This thing with you and Edward…it's like, pathetic. He's obviously doing
whatever he's doing to move on and you're just still sitting here all sad and
shit. I think it's good that you're going out on a date."
My stomach turned. "It's not a date." He's moving on? Really?
"Yeah, well maybe Edward should think it is. Maybe that would give him
some incentive to at least…I don't know…make an effort to be like…nice to
you or whatever. You guys don't even talk anymore. You used to be friends
but now, he doesn't even talk to you…."
"It's because I don't think he wants to be with me anymore, Al." I shrugged
my shoulders sadly. "He seems so disinterested, preoccupied with other
things. You know that saying, be careful what you wish for? I wanted him to
get better without me…well, I think I got my wish."
She looked down at her hands. "Jasper says he's doing awesome. He's been
going to counseling and therapy and just...almost back to the person he was
before that stupid girl ruined his life." I smiled inwardly, so happy to hear
that, yet so sad. I wanted to know this person, this version of Edward. I was
suddenly jealous of his family and my friends for having the opportunity to
know the new and improved E.
Alice cleared her throat as she changed the topic. "So…he's picking you
up?"
"Yeah, which is so stupid because we're just going right back to PA so I don't
know why he would even bother, but Jamie insisted, so…."
"What time is he supposed to be here?"
"Six thirty." I leaned over to look at the time on my alarm clock. It was
twenty five after.
"Can you please check outside to see if he's here?"
Alice got up, peering out the window, while I grabbed my small purse,
shoving basic necessities inside. "Uh…he's not here, but…the boys are
playing basketball in front of their house," she said cringing.
"And?" I asked in confusion before it actually hit me. "Edward too? Shit Al,
go get them to go inside!" I pushed her out of my bedroom, pulling out my
phone so that I could stall Jamie. The last thing I needed was for Edward to
see me go on what he would quite obviously perceive as a date. I was so
fucked.
Alice had barely made it out the front door, when Jamie's truck pulled in my
driveway, perfectly on time. I sighed, cringing. "If they ask who it was say…
say…" I fumbled for a decent alibi, but had nothing. "Just make something
up, okay?"
Jamie got out of his car, dressed in a dark polo shirt, and tan khaki's…so
opposite of what I was used to seeing on Edward. Jamie smiled when he saw
me on the porch, waving slightly as I intercepted him halfway to the house. I
did not want him to come get me at the door, because that would have just
drawn more attention to us. However, at that point, from the sudden lack of
movement and ceased rhythmic thwap-thwap of the ball hitting the
pavement, I knew it was futile.
After quick introductions between Jamie and Alice, she whispered to call her
if he tried anything less than friendly and waved before she sprinted down
the street to her waiting boyfriend. I got in Jamie's car, trying not to look
down the block while pretending I was three years old again and using the
"If I can't see you then you can't see me," theory. But as Jamie pulled away,
in his side mirror, I chanced a glimpse. And I cringed as I viewed all five
boys that had been playing in the street, were stopped in their tracks.
Edward stood in the middle of them, with a halo of gold capping his hair
from the setting sun. He was shirtless and holding the ball to his hip, just
staring at the rear lights as we drove off.
He saw.
I was instantly nauseas and feeling terrible. I closed my eyes, making small
talk with Jamie, knowing there wasn't much I could do about it at that point.
It took a while to put that aside and try to have a good time regardless of the
anxiety and guilt I was feeling, though the ache stuck with me the whole
night. I was hoping that Alice had come up with something plausible, at least
until I could fully explain to Edward myself. I didn't want to keep repeatedly
hurting him, but it seemed that we were stuck inside this vicious cycle and it
wouldn't stop. I didn't know how to prevent causing him inevitable pain
while trying to move on with my life.
But was that what I was even doing? Moving on with my life?
I reminded myself that Edward had chosen to ignore me for the last three
months, so it wasn't even productive to stress over it. He probably didn't
even care.
Aside from that, Jamie was actually a really nice guy. We went to this
carnival thing, I met some of his friends, who were really great and he won
me a stuffed chicken, with a big purple bow on it neck…which was one of
the oddest carnie prizes ever, and let me just say, there was some weird shit
to be used as accolades. We shared a funnel cake and went on a bunch of
rides, and I realized that for the first time in months, I was actually able to
enjoy myself without obsessing over Edward…much.
Jamie was just…very cool and sweet and he was such a gentleman. He didn't
curse or use the lord's good name in vain, he was overly polite, and laughed
at all of my jokes, or lame attempts at them, anyway. He was for lack of a
better word, a temporary panacea…or extremely fake...I had yet to figure
that out.
At one point in the night, I decided I wanted to play the game where you
shoot the rifle into targets that were planted into random items in an old
western scene. Every time I hit a target, the item moved whimsically, or
played crazy piano music, and I was having such a good time that I didn't
realize Jamie had his hands on either side of my hips and his chin on my
shoulder as I obliterated my targets. I sort of stiffened, not knowing whether
or not to be uncomfortable by this affectionate gesture, and unfamiliar with
having such close proximity to another person…a male person. It wasn't as
though I had anything to compare it to. I mean, Edward never did anything
like that, simply because he couldn't, and God, how I longed for it….
The problem was, that it would be over a year until he could—if he still even
wanted to, and that was such a long way off.
I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure out if I should shrug him away.
And then when I decided that it didn't bother me so much, I put the rifle
down and let him walk with his arm around my waist as I smiled up at him.
It wasn't until we reached the top of the Ferris wheel and the ride abruptly
stopped to let other passengers on that I sort of freaked out. I wasn't a big fan
of heights or of Ferris wheels, but Jamie convinced me that it would be fun,
and he hadn't done me wrong as of yet.
He chuckled, sliding his hand over my knee to lace his fingers in mine.
Jamie's warm hand squeezed a little, telling me to close my eyes as the
machine began to rotate again. His mouth was close to my ear, and suddenly
he was whispering, "I really want to kiss you, Bella."
I opened my eyes, to see him dart his tongue out onto his lips and at that
moment, the butterflies fluttered in my belly and I leaned forward, brushing
my lips across his just a bit.
Just a little couldn't hurt right?
I gave in a little more when he asked through his body language and the
hand that was now tangled in my hair. As my eyes shut on their own
volition, I felt his tongue sweep over my lip gently beseeching entrance and
I opened hesitantly, letting him inside.
It would all have been so easy… just easy to let him take me to a place that I
so desperately needed to go, far away from Edward and the Cullen's and the
shit that had built up along the way, shit that had left me scared and lonely
and cynical and wondering if I would ever, could ever move on from him.
Easy, because Jamie was smart and sweet and fun and thoughtful and
nothing like Edward. He was the All-American jock, Abercrombie wearing,
good boy next door who didn't smoke or curse or have any mental issues or
stupid restraining orders, or daddy abandonment concerns or out of control
OCD tendencies or ex-virginity stealing "cousins" who liked to touch him
and give him drugs, or any of that horrific baggage that was unfathomable
for a sixteen year old. He was new and unrestricted and he could be
everything that I wanted and needed and desired so much. He could fix it all
and take the sadness away and make me feel loved again. Easy because he
just was Jamie.
But Jamie was not Edward.
And it wasn't easy, because I would never feel for Jamie, a morsel of the
intensity that I felt for Edward. And so I pulled away, covering my mouth
with my hand, as my stomach turned ferociously with the queasy feeling of
being high up on a Ferris wheel, and betraying my feelings for Edward for a
quick Band-Aid to put on the gaping hole of hurt he caused.
"Jamie, I can't do this. I'm not …" What am I not? "I'm not ready…" I will
never be ready.
"I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean to…I just…it doesn't have to be a big deal,
you know? We can hang out and kiss and stuff, without having to label it. I
like you a lot and I thought you liked me too, but…." he bit his lip, clearly
hurt, despite all of the forewarnings I had given him over the last week about
my inability to move past things with Edward.
"I do like you very much, Jamie, but I'm just not in the same place as you, I
guess. I thought I could do this, but the timing is really wrong, you know?
I'm just not there. I'm so sorry."
"Hey, hey, don't worry about it. I'm sorry if you felt pressured. I just thought,
I don't know...there was something more there. I guess I'm gonna have to
work on my Rebel Without a Cause thing if I want to impress Bella Swan,"
he chuckled, bumping my shoulder playfully with his.
If only it were that simple.
As much as Jamie was a great guy, and would probably be a great guy for
me, had I never met Edward, we'd probably get along famously. But the fact
was, he just wasn't Edward. He never would be, and in my heart I knew that
nothing and no one could ever come close to the way I felt about him. I was
ruined forever, doomed to a lifetime of longing for a broken boy that anyone
else would pale in comparison to.
I couldn't fault Jamie for trying, though. I did give him mixed signals,
allowing him to hold my hand and whatnot. He was nothing but
understanding, even joking about having an inferiority complex while letting
the awkwardness quickly dissipate as the ride came to a stop.
We met his friends down near the Tilt-A-Whirl when I realized I had a text
from Alice that she had sent much earlier in the evening.
E's really upset. I told him that Jamie was a friend from work, but he's
crushed. Sorry, I really tried. Call me later– Al
And that effectively ruined my night for good, because aside from the shitty
feelings I was already having because of all this fun non-couple stuff I was
doing with this boy, I really wanted to be doing it with Edward.
We all ended grabbing something to eat at a late night diner, and though I
was exhausted and ready to end the "date," I went along simply so that I
could avoid going home. At the end of the night on the drive back to Forks, I
was quiet and forlorn, obsessing about our kiss and feeling terribly guilty
over it while at the same time dreading having to deal with another crushing
blow to Edward. How much could this boy take before he was completely
destroyed?
"So this was fun," Jamie said, as he playfully strangled the chicken in my
hands. Looking down the block, all of the Cullen's cars were in the driveway
but only the foyer light was illuminated in their house.
I chuckled lightly, followed with a scowl. "Sorry, I know I haven't been the
greatest company tonight. There's a lot going on right now, you know?"
"I know, trust me. You've been perfect company and again, I'm sorry if I
pushed things too soon." He leaned toward me, gently moving a strand of
hair out of my face. The gesture was so tender, it made my heart ache
because I wanted it to be Edward sitting next to me.
"I hate to see you so sad though." He reached out, unsnapping his seatbelt so
that he could lean forward. His hands snaked around my back, pulling me
tightly into him in this really awkward, rather unexpected hug. I stiffened,
not entirely at ease. Jamie didn't freak me out or anything, and I trusted him
mostly, but it just didn't feel right. He didn't feel right. When I pulled out of
the hug, our cheeks brushed against each other.
"Well, uh…thanks for tonight," I said softly, wriggling the stuffed chicken at
him, before I opened the car door. He waved, waiting for me to get inside the
house before he drove off. I couldn't get inside quick enough.
After tossing my jacket on a chair, I threw the chicken carelessly onto the
couch and headed upstairs. It was late and I was tired, and disappointed
because Jamie wasn't the cure-all I initially thought him to be.
At that moment, I was missing Edward more than I ever imagined I could.
My heart actually ached for him to be near me, and I wanted to call him so
badly, just to hear his voice. I held my phone in my palm, my finger pressed
to his speed dial.
Caller ID be damned to Hell!
If only I could just listen to his message to get a quick fix.
Regardless of my initial intention of the evening, Edward knew I went out
with another guy, and I couldn't blame him for being angry. For that reason, I
also couldn't dial the phone to tell him why I was hurting so much tonight. I
couldn't tell him that I had kissed another boy and I felt awful about it, and
sad, and that it was making my chest hurt that it wasn't him. So I sent a text
that conveyed the only thing I could tell him, and turned the lights off.
I miss you.
Alone in the darkness, I waited for a response, holding my breath while
listening for the sound of a familiar car to come down the street. After two
hours when I didn't hear any cars, or get a text reply, I pulled the comforter
to my chin and let the guilt and sadness pull me down to sleep.
~%~
The next morning, Alice and I drove into work together. I gave her all the
details about my night with Jamie and after her initial gasps about the fact
that there was a kiss, she gave me her moral support and words of wisdom
before she yet again reiterated how defeated Edward was after seeing me
leave. I couldn't bear to hear it anymore, and I begged her to just stop talking
about it.
We were scheduled to do a party for a boy and girl set of twins that were into
the Power Rangers. I called dibs on the pink one and Alice ended up in the
blue suit, which the birthday boy complained about because in all rights, the
blue Power Ranger was supposed to be a dude and not have boobs. Did the
breast obsession really start that young?
When you're dressed head to boot in glimmering camel -toe highlighting
spandex and have a glorious mask to hide behind and a best friend to pretend
to beat the shit out of, you're talking major props with the five year old
crowd. We were about as animated as we could possibly be, doing over-
exaggerated lunges and mid air kicks that were utterly ridiculous and
hilarious. Needless to say, my mood had been temporarily elevated.
The thing about having Alice Brandon for a best friend was that her constant
state of exuberance was infectious, so even if one was in the very worst of
moods, she could single handedly erase the melancholy. We made out like
queens in tips, and went shoe shopping afterward, spending most of the
money we made in like twenty minutes. I stopped Alice from trying on this
hideous yellow cocktail dress, promising her that I would accompany her on
a day trip to Seattle for some real prom dress shopping in some decent
stores. Even though dress shopping for a dance that I wanted to go to, but
couldn't, was the last thing I wanted to do…but I would do it for her.
I was modeling a great pair of wedge sandals, when Alice groaned, slapping
her head with her palm. "Oh my God, I can't stand it anymore!"
I blanched at her sudden outburst. "Why? Do these make my toes look
weird? They do, don't they?" I angled my foot in the mirror.
"No, they're fine, you have great toes. So listen, I'm so not supposed to be
telling you this, because I promised him I wouldn't tell you but you're my
best friend and my loyalty lies with you obviously, but I have to tell you…
unless of course you don't want to know, but I totally know you do."
I stared at her incredulously. "You promised Him who? Edward?" Alice
nodded vehemently. "Uh, yeah. I wanna know right now," I said, as I sat
down on the chair next to her, pushing the box of sandals on the floor to
focus all of my attention on her words.
"Well okay, so you must have gotten in really late last night because I was
sleeping and sorta drunk and stuff and so then I wake up 'cause I hear yelling
outside my window. I get up thinking it's Jasper wanting a booty call or
something, but it's not…it's Edward."
My eyes were wide with anticipation. For someone who talked a mile a
minute, she couldn't seem to get to the point any slower. "Outside your
window?" I asked slowly, wondering why the hell he would be there.
She shook her head. "No…he was actually outside your window."
I gasped my hand flying over my mouth. "What?! Noooooo!"
Yes!
Wait…why?
"What happened?"
"Oh…well, he was like, 'Bellllllllaaaaaa, Belllllllaaaaaaaaaa!' and all loud
and obnoxious and yelling for you and shit. My mom was home and she
went to the door and told him to go find his shoes and go the hell home or
she was gonna call the police."
"No way! He didn't have shoes on?"
"Yeah, I don't know, he was barefoot and he stubbed his toe and he was like,
rubbing it and cursing. He said he gave them away to like, a homeless dude
which I have to say is a pretty nice thing to do, because in these poor
economic times…."
He gave his shoes to a homeless guy? What the…
"Alice!" I clapped my hands I front of her face. "Focus!"
"Sorry, sorry, jeez."
"So what he'd do then?"
"He laughed at my mom and he was like stumbling and slurring his words…
he was totally shitfaced. So, I went outside and talked to him so my mom
wouldn't call the cops, you know?"
"What did he say? What did you say? What happened. Tell me! Tell me! Tell
me!"
She drew her head back moving away from my excited impatience. "Chill,
please." Alice huffed, straightening her shirt, deliberately making me wait a
minute before she launched into her next segment of the story. I growled at
her and gave her my best stink eye.
"Okay, well so I totally promised him I that wouldn't tell you, but he asked
me to help him with something and as your best friend, I am not going to tell
you what it is, and you can't make me. I just don't want you to think that if
we like, whisper to each other or tell secrets or whatever, that we're like,
doing something shady, because it's totally not a bad thing."
"What? That's not fair. So you two have conspiratorially plotted against me
and you're taking his side with this whole thing?'
She shook her head vehemently. "Nope, totally on your side." I went to
protest, but she stuck her hand up to stop me. "Trust me, this benefits you, so
don't ask any more questions cause I'm not telling you but I'm still gonna
help him regardless, cause it benefits him too and I gotta be honest, Bella. I
like him. He's fucked up and he does some stupid shit but that boy...he loves
you." I smirked at her words. "Oh and uh… Edward's really cute by the
way…like really frigging cute." She crinkled up her nose and gave me this
weird look like she knew something I didn't, which obviously was the case
since she wasn't telling me shit.
I knew she meant cute like as in sweet, not cute as in hot/good looking,
though we all knew that was the case too, but that's not what she meant in
this particular context. I was actually very disappointed that I hadn't come
home earlier. I would have liked very much to have seen him drunk and
calling my name, and now I was dying to know what was up between the
two of them. I would have pressed further, but I just didn't have the energy
to fight her, and there was no way she was backing down on this, I could
tell. I would just have to wait and see what the hell the big secret was.
Later that night, I set my phone on the nightstand, still not having received a
text reply from Edward. I was deliberating about calling him, when the
phone rang. For like a split second I got excited, thinking that perhaps
Edward had some sort of freaky ability to read my mind or some kind of
sixth sense that he should call me. When I saw that it was Jamie, I let it go to
voicemail, just not in the mood to talk to him. I called my dad to say
goodnight, set the alarm, and went to bed incredibly sad again, not even
bothering to figure out what I was going to wear the next day.
I was torn from a dream as the loudest, most disturbing thunderous boom
cracked through the night, echoing against the nearby mountainside and
bouncing between the trees. I bolted upright with a scream, my heart racing
and pumping as I tried to catch my breath. Rain pounded the windows in
sheets, and as I rose from the bed to look outside, there was nothing but the
blackest of nights. The storm had knocked the power out.
Suddenly, I realized I was terrified... all of those old memories flooding back
to me. I didn't know what to do. Frantically, I rummaged through my desk
drawer for a lighter I had stashed there, flicking it on to guide my way
around the room. Flashes of lightening illuminated the darkness, followed by
the roll of thunder making me jump. I groaned and muttered curse words, as
I placed the flame to a pretty little candle that my mom had sent to match my
room.
Then I snuggled back under my blanket, holding it to my chin while trying
not to quake. I chanted, be brave, be brave, be brave…you're an idiot, you're
an idiot, you're an idiot. And I yelped and cursed when my phone chimed.
R U OK?
It was from Edward. The thunder must have woken him as well. My insides
soared, as just the sight of his words granted me instant comfort and
blanketed me in warmth and safety.
Quickly, I wrote back.
Yeah but I'm kinda scared.
I waited impatiently for a reply, which felt like ages. It was just nice to talk
to him. He made me feel so safe.
U want me to come over?
I gasped and tensed in surprise, because not only was I not expecting that
but I really didn't know how to answer it.
My heart was yelling Fuck yes, get your ass here now, boy!
But my head was saying, No you stupid girl. This will undo everything.
My heart was thrumming again, with a thrill of nervousness and delight. I bit
my fingernail contemplating his offer. I absolutely did not want to be alone,
however, when I texted him the previous night that I missed him and he
didn't reply, I assumed that he did in fact, did not return the sentiment. So I
sent back my answer.
No
Another jolt of thunder crashed into the sky with fury and I jumped again
biting my lip. Shiiiiiiitttttt. Shit, shit, shit!
Yes
He immediately wrote back.
Gimme 5, K?
Oh God, oh God, oh God…
K
I grabbed my candle and my phone, and flew to the bathroom to brush my
teeth, not even giving a shit about the superbly creepy shadows the candle
flickering was casting on the walls. I couldn't see what I looked like, but
then again he wouldn't be able to either, so I figured it didn't matter too
much. I was wearing leggings and a really tight tee shirt that was probably
inappropriate, but in the half second that I cared, I thought that the guy had
been watching me undress for six months, not to mention that he'd seen me
naked on many occasion, so it didn't really matter in the grand scheme of
things.
I bolted down the stairs, motioning to punch the numbers in the alarm
keypad, but remembered since the electric was out that it wouldn't be
necessary. Opening the front door a crack, I pressed my nose against the
glass storm door, nervously waiting for a sign of him.
Then, splashy footsteps pounding the wet pavement…and there was Edward
on my front porch, illuminated in ghostly light by the storm flashes. He was
soaked and panting, and as he came through the door I held open for him, he
whispered a breathy, "Hey." It reminded me so much of that night and a
shiver ran through me at the memory of him shaking and sick.
"Oh, you're soaked…" I said gaping at him stupidly, as though I expected
him to be dry in a torrential rainstorm.
He lifted up a knotted plastic bag that dripped water on the throw rug in the
entryway. "I brought dry pajamas with me."
"Oh…good thinking." Actually, it would have been really nice if he hadn't
brought anything dry so that he could prance around in his undies.
Yeah, soooo this is awkward. "Um…so do you want to change… or…
some…thing…"
"Oh, uh…yeah." He kicked his waterlogged Nike's off by the door and hung
his jacket up on the wooden coat tree thing. He hesitated to remove his
baseball hat, but he just kind of cringed and took it off, running his hand
through his wild bed head.
I motioned for him to go ahead of me, but since I had the candle it made
more sense for me to lead, and then I slipped around him, almost making
him trip, causing myself to stumble lightly in the process. "Sorry," I
muttered shaking my head at my clumsiness.
He changed out of his clothes quickly in the bathroom, using his phone for
light, as I slipped into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin again. He came
into the room, in dry flannel pants and a tight white tee shirt, looking
delicious and beautiful and tugging at the hem of his shirt because he didn't
know where to go. In one swift move, I slid over to the left side of the bed,
giving him the right, which was his usual side. Without words, he lifted the
covers, climbed in and turned on his side. I heard the faint sound of tinkling,
like metal or something as he settled himself in the bed and ran his hand
underneath one of my many pillows.
The candle flickered softly on the nightstand giving the room a warm glow,
scenting my bedroom with a faint hint of calming lavender. Edward was
about a foot away from me, and I could smell him, his cologne and his soap
and it was so familiar and it felt so comfortable and…right.
Outside it thundered fiercely again and I jumped, muttering to inanely to
myself. Edward and I both chuckled at my own expense. I sighed, thinking it
was a good of a time as any to break the awkward tension.
"When I was five, my dad brought home a puppy. I had been asking for one
for the longest time and my father finally caved. My mom was so mad,
because she didn't want the hassle of something else to take care of, and I
was little you know, so I couldn't exactly be responsible for it. There was
this big storm just after Christmas. The puppy was going nuts because he
didn't like the thunder and stuff, and when I opened the door to let him out to
pee, he got spooked and bolted. I ran after him…and I got so lost in the
woods. I couldn't believe how far I had gone….
"It was hours before they found me. I remember it was so dark outside and
the thunder…" I shuddered recalling the feeling of being so frightened, like
it was yesterday. "I was so scared and cold…my toes were like…icicles. But
they got me warmed up and there wasn't any permanent damage, but all I
could think about was Patsy…out there, scared and cold and alone."
"So that's why you're afraid of storms," he whispered.
"Yeah. They um…they found him a few days later. He'd been hit by a car on
the highway and he died." I teared up at the memory, quickly brushing the
moisture off my cheek. "We never got another animal after that. Not even a
fish."
"I'm so sorry," he said softy.
I rolled over onto my side, with my back facing away from Edward. I didn't
reply. After a long time of quiet, I thought he had fallen asleep, so when he
cleared his throat and spoke, he startled me.
"What's his name?"
"The dog?" I asked, confused knowing I already mentioned this. "His name
was Patsy."
I could almost hear Edward roll his eyes. "No...the dude you went out with
last night. What's his name?"
My whole body stiffened at his brusque tone. His words were clipped,
clearly he was hurt or mad just mentioning the name.
I shut my eyes and whispered, "Jamie." He repeated the name softly almost
like as though he was trying to reinforce it in his mind. I also thought I heard
him mutter in a whisper, "Douchey name," but it could have been the
thunder playing tricks on my ears.
I rolled over to face him. Even in the flickering candlelight, I could see that
Edward's eyes were sad.
His jaw was set tight, as he ran his fingers over the ruffled edge of my
pillowcase, his eyes flickering to mine. "So you like him? Is he a good
kisser?"
I frowned. "E it's not really like that. We're friends but…"
He hissed through his teeth in obvious disgust. "Yeah, Alice mentioned that
several times," he scowled. "So you didn't kiss him then?"
I closed my lids, not wanting to see the hurt reflected in his eyes when I told
him the truth. "Edward…please don't…it was nothing…I couldn't...."
He gasped lightly. "So that means yes." His voice cracked, as he ran a hand
roughly through his chaotic hair.
My eyes locked with his. His pupils were dark and stirring, a cloudless sky
of anger. "I'm sorry," I whispered.
Edward mulled over this with his jaw clenched. He sighed, taking a long
pause and then eventually whispering, "Don't be. I kissed someone too…last
night."
I sat up on my elbow abruptly. "What? Who?" My stomach rolled with the
thought of him being with someone else, someone else's hands on him and
tongue in his mouth and fingers weaving in his hair. Oh God, please no!
I swallowed thickly, holding my lip from trembling. "Edward, please, please
tell me it wasn't her." My voice was so small, I didn't think he could have
even heard me.
He said nothing, but continued to stare. "Edward?"
"Tanya? Fuck no, it wasn't her. I …I saw you leave with that guy last night
and…I was just so fucking pissed so I went to this party and I don't
know…."
"And what? You kissed some random chick to get back at me before you
even knew I did anything with Jamie?" I gasped, sitting up rigidly. I knew I
had no right to be mad.
We weren't together when I had gone out with another guy and I knew he
saw me leave with him…I would expect that he would be hurt, maybe even
devastated. I should be glad that he still gave a shit, not that any of my
actions were meant to intentionally hurt him. I scrambled over to the edge of
the bed shaking in anger that I had no right to feel.
He lunged forward, pulling my back tightly into his chest. "Bella, stop…
stop…" he whispered in my ear, dragging us back to the spot we were in
previously. I struggled against him, but he stilled me with his firm hold.
Edward's hands locked mine to my sternum, cradling them against one
another. God, he was so close...the hardness of his upper body molding
perfectly into the curve of my back. He smelled so familiar and comforting
and...arousing. It had been ages since I had felt him against me like this and I
missed it so fucking much.
"I kissed her because I was mad at you and…I fucking…God, I want you…I
want to be with you, only you but you won't let me." I could feel his heart
racing, vibrating at my back as his words whispered in my ear. "I love you…
only you, Beautiful."
"How?" I asked hastily, my voice shaking. "Who is she? Did you sleep with
her?" I croaked, pushing his beautiful words to the back of my mind. All this
time how I longed to hear them but I couldn't get the image of him with his
mouth on someone else's, even though I had done the same thing. I also
knew that I had no right to be mad. I broke up with him and he had every
right to do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. I waived that
privilege when I let him walk out my front door the night I told him to be on
his own.
"How? She's eighteen, and it doesn't matter who she is because she doesn't
mean a thing to me. And no, I did not sleep with her."
I looked over my shoulder, hurt and repulsed. "Then why did you tell me
about her at all? Just to hurt me?"
His hot breath moved over my skin like a silk ribbon. In a whisper, he
answered the words that explained everything.
"Because I fucking missed the hell out of you, and because you hurt me,
Bella. And…I needed to be honest with you. I felt really shitty about it, and I
guess knowing that you did the same thing, it was…I don't know, easier to
live with…and I don't want any secrets between us, anything that could
come back to bite us later."
"Do you like her? Do you want to be with her again?" I whispered in a
shaking voice.
"I already told you what I want."
I used my shoulder to wipe away tears…tears of joy and of sorrow, knowing
that Edward still wanted to be with me, even though he had been with
someone else. He pressed his face into my hair, kissing my head softly.
"Do you want me to leave?" he whispered. I could feel his body tense up
behind me.
I swallowed back the lump in my throat knowing the answer immediately,
but giving the reply a pregnant pause.
"No."
He repeatedly stroked my hair from my temple to the curve behind my ear,
softly, reverently…lovingly, until the tears were gone and the world faded to
blackness.
~%~

Suzy did an outtake of Tanya's POV from the party. It's on my profile
under Outtakes, Chapter 4 Just A Bitch.
Another outtake will come up pretty soon from Alice's POV about the
night Edward gets drunk and yells outside her window. It's kind of
pivotal to the storyline, though it isn't necessary to read it, but you
should, cause it's drunk, cute Edward and what's better than that?
Maybe drunk, cute, naked Edward?
Add me to Author Alerts and you'll get future outtakes directly.
Rec:
The Unaccompanied Soul by JMCullen09- Bella finds Edward in an old
abandoned hospital. He's been abused and abandoned there since he was a
child…really well written and very touching.

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2010
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
Thank you to Erika, for her wonderfully thorough proofing skills and to
Suzy who is the chocolate in my peanut butter bunny egg and who
makes this story good.

~High Anxiety~
Chapter 35~ The Reason is You
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
Hoobastank~ The Reason
~Edward~
I can't quite recall the exact day when it happened, but I remember the
moment when I actually noticed it. It was the same day everyone else
noticed too…the day I woke up and felt some semblance of normalcy. It was
a Friday in late March, nothing remarkable about the day, nothing remotely
significant, except that it was poignant for me.
I just remember waking up feeling this distinct lightness in my chest that
held a vague familiarity; enough to be recognizable, yet still so foreign. I'd
stepped into the shower with this song stuck in my head and kind of hum-
singing the words absently, as I got ready for school.
"You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, hum hum hum hum, dizzy in
my head, spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night…."
Bella loved that song and sometimes to deliberately be annoying she would
crank it up in her car and sing as loudly as she possibly could. It was one of
those feel-good songs, that no matter how bad of a mood you were in, it just
made you crack a smile…or in my case, a smirk.
Her singing voice was generally awful, but I never really heard the off key
notes, just choosing to focus on the carefree joy that she had when she sang
her heart out with reckless abandon. I realized that the feeling of carefree joy
was something that I knew…I had once experienced it on a daily basis with
no appreciation whatsoever of its existence. I could certainly recognize it…I
could understand what it was…but I hadn't really comprehended the idea
that I would ever be able to feel it again. Until that morning.
There I was, on just a regular morning, the smell of banana pancakes and
turkey bacon wafting up the back staircase from the kitchen causing me to
smile instinctively at a memory of shoveling snow. I bounded down the
stairs with more energy and enthusiasm then I normally displayed, not really
even able to help it. It was just there, and there wasn't a single part of me
that repressed the urge to fight it back because I rather liked the sudden
buoyancy in my step.
I planted a big ol' sloppy kiss on my mom's puffy cheek and patted her
growing belly. She'd put on a substantial amount of weight in the last few
weeks and we'd all been gently teasing her about it. Needless to say we had
discovered that she was hoarding this enormous stash of non-organic junk
food in her bedroom closet and when she came out with Twinkie crumbs on
her face she was caught unapologetically, blaming the baby for her cheating.
And she was adamant about not sharing.
Since we found out that the baby was a little girl, she'd been walking on air,
buying tiny pink dresses and little pink shoes and just…pink shit. A fuck
load of pink shit.
She giggled, eyeing me curiously as I continued to hum the happy tune
while pouring myself a glass of orange juice. Jasper, Emmett and Dad were
already scarfing down their portions as I joined them at the table. I helped
myself, pouring a festive swirl of all natural no sugar syrup onto my stack. I
stabbed my fork into the fluffy pile and brought it to my lips, pausing when I
realized their chewing had slowly come to a halt and all three of them were
staring at me.
"What's up?" I said, popping the pancakes in my mouth.
Em cocked an eyebrow. "Uh…what's up with you?"
I shrugged my shoulders, continuing to eat.
Jasper leaned in, whispering, "You get laid or something? Maybe got
yourself some hooker stashed up there in your room?"
I chuckled lightly in amusement. "Yeah, you caught me. You know how I
like my whores." I shook my head in disgust.
Em and Jasper looked at each other questioningly, chancing a glance at my
father who wore a small smirk on his face.
Jasper leaned forward whispering, "You on something?" I gave them both a
pointed look narrowing my eyes.
"Absolutely not, and quite frankly, I resent the insinuation, fuckers," I
hissed, pointing my pancake loaded fork at them.
"Language, Edward."
My father hedged, "Something happen with Bella?"
"No," I responded a little sadly, wishing terribly that it had. "I just feel…
good?"
The three of them shrugged their shoulders, resuming their eating, but my
dad continued to smile into his panncakes, and my mother, still across the
kitchen, took up where I had left off humming.
~%~
Despite the unrelenting cravings I had for Bella's company and the perpetual
sadness that accompanied having her not directly in my life, I made
substantial progress emotionally and mentally. I assumed it was a
combination of the intense therapy sessions and the new antidepressants,
which motherfucking rocked by the way, but particularly baseball. And
maybe even perhaps I owed some credit to the drug counseling…I hated
every minute of it and resented being there, but it was helpful to be able to
see how to handle life without the assistance of psychotropic substances to
mask my issues, as well as having the knowledge that I wasn't alone in
needing the pain to go away. And that it was okay to feel that way, just not to
act on it.
But playing baseball again gave me an outlet to focus my excess negative
energy on, while taking me back to a familiar place in my life that I never
thought I would find again. The endorphins released during the exercise had
effectively killed my last lingering bits of depression, finally giving me a
few long lasting moments of clarity. And I loved it all; the hard work, the
satisfying burn of physical exhaustion, the repetitiveness of the pitching, the
fact that I was kept busy every single day, the persistence and
encouragement from my coaches and even the teamwork and the
camaraderie I'd found in my teammates. And I'd be lying through my teeth if
I said I didn't fucking love winning every single game I played.
I'd started to hang out with Connor, Eric and Tyler more, realizing that they
were pretty cool guys. They didn't smoke cigarettes or weed on a regular
basis, so it was nice to be able to hang with them socially and not have the
temptation or the pressure to do anything destructive; besides the fact that
my brothers were never around on Saturday nights, always with their girls. I
never took up their invitations to join them because hanging out with them
served as a constant reminder of not having Bella there, and obsessing over
what she was doing.
At one point, I toyed with telling them about Charlotte and my situation, but
as much as I liked them, I still was wary about trusting anyone new with
this. It would likely ruin my reputation- not that I gave a shit what anyone
outside of my team thought of me, but I didn't want to chance it. I was the
reason the Forks High School baseball team was on its first winning streak
in fifteen years and I enjoyed being associated with that, not with the fact
that I was accused of raping a girl.
The guys only asked about the Bella situation once, and only because they
were trying to find out for some senior chick if I was single and open to
dating. She was hot and everything, so I was most definitely flattered but I
wasn't remotely interested. I was still trying to come to grips with what was
happening with Bella and me, the fucking mess I made still always there,
like a giant sparkly pink elephant in the room.
My ignoring her was an attempt at letting her go.
Dr. Kate had asked me one day, on a particularly Bella-centric session, what
I wanted for her. I told Dr. Kate that I wanted Bella to be happy, and that was
the simplest truth. There wasn't much I could do to control the situation as it
was, except to allow Bella the opportunity to get herself into another
relationship; one where she could experience what normal dating was like,
with things like hand holding in public, and kissing like typical teenagers.
Yeah, the thought fucking sickened me, but I figured with all the shit I had
dragged her through over the last eight months, I owed her.
I suppose a part of me knew she still cared deeply for me, and that it would
take some time for her to begin dating again, if ever. There wasn't a single
part of me that truly wanted her to move on, but since I couldn't give her
when she deserved, then my only option was to let someone else provide it
for her.
Once the initial anger subsided, I just pretended to be indifferent, only
speaking to her when absolutely necessary, but holding my tongue from
screaming that I fucking loved her. It killed me every day to see her so
solemn all the time, wondering if I had everything to do with it, yet knowing
in my heart that I did. She never really seemed happy like she had been
when we were together, and it made me so fucking sad to know that it was
me, who was now letting her go emotionally, for her benefit, just as she had
done similarly for me, only in the physical sense.
I don't know how I never got caught as I was always staring at her, watching
her every move. We only saw each other at school, so my daily doses of
Bella were limited to fourth through eighth periods.
During cooking class especially, I took advantage of her proximity, making
small talk but ending the conversations abruptly before the glimmer in her
eye could escalate. I loathed hurting her when all I really wanted to do was
drag her into the fucking pantry and kiss her senseless.
And even though I had noticed that her bedroom blinds had been reopened
again, I never went to that side of the balcony. I mean, I didn't smoke any
more anyway, but I kept myself away from there to give her the respect and
privacy she deserved.
I thought I was doing the right thing for her, being able to give her what I
couldn't by letting her think I didn't care. Dr. Kate mentioned that in her
opinion, it wasn't right to lead Bella in the other direction even if it was for
her benefit, simply because it was dishonest.
She also said it was somewhat noble in theory, but the look she gave me
when I told her about what I was doing, said she didn't believe for a second
that I would be able to handle Bella dating when and if it came to fruition.
And she was fucking right, because the night that guy pulled up in front of
her house, and she emerged looking fucking ridiculous, I lost it. I stood there
in the middle of the street feeling as though I had been sucker punched in the
gut, all of the wind leaving my lungs in a quick gush as she drove away with
him...this him, that I had been aiming so hard for her to have. I had to sit on
the curb with my head between my legs just to catch my breath just to ward
off a panic attack or a shit fit…whichever came first.
The silence that followed was unbearable. The guys looked at me with pity
and embarrassment, as I had pretended not to give a shit about her all this
time and practically disintegrated as we all watched her leave with another
guy. Alice rushed over, in Bella's obvious attempt at damage control,
insisting that this guy was just a friend. But her slightly mocking tone as she
explained alluded to something else…that maybe Bella was bullshitting her
with the friendship crap, or that maybe Alice herself was omitting the truth
to spare my obviously damaged feelings.
I didn't stick around long enough to get any pity or unsolicited advice;
instead I threw the basketball violently at the tree closest to me and made my
way back inside the house cursing loudly, not giving a fuck who heard or
really, what anyone thought. It didn't take a genius to realize that I loved
Bella and that her actions stung regardless of what I had been pretending to
do all this time.
I sat brooding and angry, dripping water from the shower on my couch,
scrolling through missed calls. It was the first time I had felt this way in
months, and I didn't miss the hollow, festering anger in the least. I tried to
think of positive, happy shit that would divert my thoughts, I even
considered calling Dr. Kate, but it was Saturday night and I didn't want to be
the asshole patient who interrupted her dinner on a weekend with my
girlfriend problems.
And so when I got the message from Tyler that there was a party in Port
Angeles, I decided without hesitation that I was in, because I sure as hell
was in no mood to hang out with Jazz and Alice or Em and Rose watching
them have what I couldn't.
They picked me up around nine, and we swung into town before hitting the
party to grab some beer from the convenience store. Tyler used his brother's
license for once, letting me off the hook, while I waited in the car with the
guys. Although I was hesitant about it, we made a last minute run to JB's
place, because Eric had wanted some weed. I was in and out of there without
small talk or bullshitting of any kind, simply because the company he had
over made me highly uncomfortable. There were a bunch of people sitting
around doing coke and I was completely disgusted when it was causally
offered to me. There was no part of me that salivated over it, or found any
desire to have that in my system, even though I was in a shitty mood and I
knew that it would definitely make me feel a fuckload better for a bit.
I left his house, so fucking proud of myself not only for rejecting it
outwardly, but for not physically needing or wanting it. I decided that would
get through this shitty night on my own.
However, that theory was all well and good until my fourth beer sat happily
in my stomach and the buzz started to kick in. I hadn't eaten since breakfast
before my drug counseling session, and the alcohol was absorbing pretty
quickly.
We were at this party for some girl who Eric and Tyler hung out with, and by
all of the festive signage that was hung announcing "Happy 18th Birthday
Tori", I assumed the pretty girl in the sparkly tiara was indeed Tori. From
what I was told, this girl was like the head cheerleader and Homecoming
queen and was like a big deal or something.
By the copious amount of alcohol that was being consumed by the obviously
underage crowd, it was clear that the party was unsupervised. With the
amount of people outwardly inebriated, it was safe to assume that the party
had been swinging for at least a few hours.
Being that drunk people were entertaining to watch, upon my suggestion, I
steered them to a table outside where the crowd was diluted.
I cringed as a group of girls flocked immediately toward us, hugging my
friends enthusiastically with squeals of happiness that they had finally
arrived. One of them, a staggering busty blonde with a ridiculously short
skirt, jammed her tongue down Eric's throat before he could even say hello
to her.
They all looked kind of familiar and I figured out that I recognized them
from some of the ball games they had come to. I thought it was funny that
these guys who were just average nobody's at Forks, were like celebrities
with the PA crowd. Funny how that worked.
I was introduced to the girls, deliberately double fisting bottles of Bud so
that I could avoid handshakes if they were offered. It worked effectively and
didn't make me look rude, just eager to get drunk. The one girl, Tori, kept
looking at me funny while she made small talk with the guys. It only took a
few minutes for me to remember where I knew her from-she was at my
house that night, and she had been standing in front of my appliance drawer.
I had handed her the can opener after I opened my beer, thinking that she
reminded me of Bella… a lot.
I wished her a happy birthday just to be nice.
"It's Edward, right? You look so familiar. Where do I know you from?" She
popped herself onto the table beside me, crossing her long legs.
I was so unbelievably tempted to reply, "In your dreams," but I could never
be that cheesy motherfucker, even when the inspiration hit. It had been a
while since I had pulled out my suave card, so I just shrugged, wondering if
she would ever get the joke. She was quicker than I expected, though.
"Oh, you were at that party at that huge house in Forks, right? There was a
crazy girl fight that night!" Her friends whooped excitedly in recollection.
"Yeah, I was there. That's actually my house." I took a sip of beer, forcing a
smiling at her, trying to push away the memories of that night. If I just
would have stayed the fuck downstairs….
"Oh, no kidding! You gave me a can opener." Her eyes narrowed in scrutiny.
"You look so different."
It took a few seconds until I remembered that night I had returned from my
truancy officer in conservative or what Bella refereed to as my nerd clothes,
with my hair parted to the side.
Having had a few drinks in me, I simply stated, "Yeah, I had to see my
parole officer that day. You know… make a show of appearing to look like
an upstanding citizen." I had expected her to laugh, thinking it was a joke, or
slink off the table and run for her life. Instead her eyes widened, and she
licked her lips…intrigued. Her eyes scanned the length of my body, trying to
assess whether by my clothes or whatever, if I was lying or not.
"Really? What did you do…to get yourself a parole officer?" she asked
sheepishly, biting her lip and…yeah, she was totally batting her eyelashes at
me. She liked Bad Boys. I was willing to be this girl only dated the
Quarterback of the football team because it was what was expected of her,
all the while really wanting to get banged from behind by a criminal.
"Might have stolen a car…or something." I shrugged indifferently, not really
giving a fuck. It wasn't an actual lie. I mean I did steal a car at one point. The
attention had drifted away from us anyway and was focused on Eric's hand
groping the blonde's ass, so no one was even listening to me but Tori.
"Really?" she asked wide eyed. I swore I could hear her panties dampen.
"No, not really," I chuckled, grabbing another beer off the table behind me.
She smacked my arm playfully as I handed the beer to her, before turning
around again to get myself another. I didn't even cringe at the contact,
however, I sort of stared blankly where she'd hit me, remembering how often
Bella had made the same playful motion before she knew my situation.
"I got into some trouble a while ago. You know…he said, she said bullshit.
It's not really a big deal." That was the most underplayed explanation I could
ever imagine coming from my mouth.
Inwardly, I laughed thinking that it defined my whole fucking life but it
wasn't a big deal?
But at that moment, it really wasn't. Because sitting there with this gorgeous
girl, who was fascinated by my every word, I realized that I could touch her,
and she could reciprocate, there by making my current plight not a fucking
big deal.
She stayed there for a while, bullshitting with me about college and music
and whatever came up at the moment. She was a little ditzy, but I couldn't
decide if it was because she was drinking or because she was just an airhead.
Every so often, I would glance at the back gate, thinking that Bella would
walk through at any moment, considering her "friend" was from Port
Angeles, as Alice had mentioned. I wondered what she was doing at that
moment and took another sip of beer, wishing I had a cigarette. When one of
the girls lit one up, I bit my tongue, before finally giving in to the temptation
and asking her for one. It made me choke and burned my throat, so I tossed
it.
Someone brought out a cake blazing with candles and she jumped off the
table to go make a wish or whatever. Her friends followed, while I stayed
put just drinking my beer and enjoying the buzz. The guys stayed behind as
well, telling me how bad this girl fucking wanted me and how lucky I was,
because Tori was very selective.
If I heard, "It's Tori fucking Hunter and she wants your shit, man! Oh man, if
you fuck her, I want details," one more time from Eric I was going to beat
his ass.
Eric openly admitted he'd been trying for a shot with her for like two years,
and Eric was pretty decent looking and got his fair share of girls in Forks.
All that did was make me roll my eyes. This girl was pretty, but I wasn't
particularly impressed by anything else. Maybe because I was fucking
obsessed with someone entirely different.
Tori returned later with two slices of cake on a plate and bottle of Smirnoff
raspberry twist vodka. I had no desire to touch the cake, but I was definitely
down for a shot. Her girlfriend poured a row of shots, and once the last glass
was filled we raised them in a toast to being eighteen. As I clinked my glass
with the others, I wondered if Bella was drunk somewhere with her new
boyfriend. And after questioning why some of Tori's guests were wearing
Mardi Gras beads and carrying stuffed chickens, I learned that there was
some school run carnival that night. I was willing to bet that Bella and her
boy were there and that the douchebag was winning her prizes and treating
her to ice cream and cotton candy and probably whispering sweet fucking
nothings into her ear as he held her goddamn hand.
"Edward? Did you hear me?" Tori giggled, abruptly bringing me out of my
thoughts.
Tori turned my face toward hers with her finger gently on my cheek. "I'm
sorry, whuh?" I responded, hearing myself slurring my words. My lids were
heavy and aside from the internal struggle I was having with Bella out on a
date, I felt fucking good. Numb, but good.
In a very sing-song drunk voice, she said, "Come on, I want to show you my
car. My parents got it for me for my birf day, because they looooove me."
She stood up, pulling my hand and forcing me to slide off the table. I
followed her without protest, trying to make my way across the yard, with
her leading me all shitfaced. Every few steps we took someone hugged her
or wished her a happy birthday and it should have been annoying but I was
too far gone to care. I liked the way her hand felt in mine.
She guided me out to the driveway, where a brand new convertible
Volkswagen Something sat. She petted it like it was a cat and cooed, "Isn't it
so pretty?"
It was red like Bella's car. I nodded enthusiastically, trying not to stumble.
"It's shiny." When a look of disappointment passed over her face, I added
just to make her not feel badly, "And awwwwwwesome."
"I think you're pretty awesome." She cocked her head to the side, slowly
walking forward with my hands clasped in hers until I was backed against
the garage door.
"Why thank you," was about all I could respond with because I was seeing
double and now there were two girls that looked a lot like my Bella. When
she was just inches from me, she started rambling on and on about
something having to do with the car, that I couldn't quite understand and
then she stumbled on her heel. I reached out to catch her at her waist, pulling
her into me. I moved backward with my hands around her waist, until I was
at a three foot high brick retainer wall around her front shrubs, and sat, with
Tori positioned between my legs.
How fucking odd.
We stayed there for a while, just looking at each other. I more or less looked
through her, because since there were two I couldn't decide which girl to
focus on, and trying to think about it made me nauseous. I leaned my
forehead against her stomach, breathing in and out slowly, trying to find my
bearings. I hadn't realized that my hands were around her waist still and hers
had begun to travel up my arms curling around my biceps. When she leaned
in, I didn't move away. I don't know why, I just sort of wanted to see what
would happen, like a science experiment of sorts. It was more out of the idea
that I could, rather than whether I really wanted to.
My thumb slid along the waistband of her jeans, gliding over the skin at her
hip. She was warm and smooth and the action made her hum. She leaned
down and her lips brushed along my neck to my ear, where she whispered,
"It's my birthday…can I have a kiss?"
My breath hitched, catching in my throat. I didn't know if I wanted this. It
was just a fucking kiss, not a big deal, really. Before I could even think
about saying no, she was sucking on my ear lobe. I moaned a little, just from
the surprise of it, not expecting to be so intimate with this girl whom I'd just
met. It just…honestly, it felt good. I closed my eyes and let her continue, not
really giving a shit about anything but the pleasure I hadn't felt in so fucking
long. My hand slid almost involuntarily down her ass to the back of her
thigh, and quickly back up to her waist again.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tyler walk past us in the driveway
heading toward his car while on his cell. I nodded to him and he nodded
back in response.
Tori turned, briefly distracted by his presence. But then her lips dragged
against my jaw line and then she was pressing little kisses to the corner of
my mouth. I indulged her, giving her a few chaste pecks in return, before she
pulled back and stared at me with blazing eyes. Her fingers caught the
leather cord around my neck, pulling it from its hiding place under my shirt
and tickling my neck.
"What's this?" she asked as the rings jingled in her palm. I snatched it from
her gently before she could see what it was, dropping the rings back into the
collar of my shirt.
"Don't worry about that. It's nothing," I snapped, effectively ending any and
all discussion there.
Because it was fucking everything.
Though she had no idea, I detested the fact that she had her hands on
something so sacred to me, so private. Her eyes narrowed a bit, as she stared
me down, almost looking like she was pissed off. And then out of nowhere,
she came in like a hunter stalking its prey and attacked my mouth, her
fingers gripping the back of my head, running through the hair at the nape of
my neck roughly, tugging and pulling. Her kisses were fast and furious,
almost angry and as much as I liked a little hair pulling, she was really
hurting me. Then she bit my bottom lip, hard and I immediately tasted
blood. What the fuck? Yeah, I was pissed.
I pulled away from her, wiping my mouth with my hand, glaring at her in
disbelief. On the back of my hand was a streak of blood from my lip.
"Owwww…fuck that hurt. I'm bleeding!" Crazy bitch.
She pouted. "Ohhh, I'm sorry." Her lips touched mine softly this time, and I
flinched when she made contact realizing that I didn't feel like doing this
with her anymore. I felt nothing, no tingles, no passion…I didn't even have a
semi. And it wasn't for lack of being attractive-I mean the girl had a smoking
body and she looked so much like Bella, with long dark hair and big brown
eyes, but that was just it. She wasn't fucking Bella. Even though I was a
dumbass for not going forward with this, being a single teenage guy that was
usually horny as fuck and extremely deprived as far as sexual stimulation
went, I just wasn't into this. I tried for a second to block memories and
images of Bella out, screaming for her to leave me the fuck alone in my
head, but it didn't work.
I missed my girl.
I wasn't turned on by Tori and I knew then that I didn't want to continue this.
My stomach rolled with a wave of nausea as she tugged on my hands pulling
me up from the brick wall to stand.
"Come on, let's go to my room," she whispered with a wry smile, batting
bedroom eyes.
"Yeah, uh… I'm not feeling so great," I said, truthfully. She looked so
dejected, but I couldn't find it in me to feel bad. "Look, I'm sorry, but…" I
scrubbed a hand over my face, really wanting to go back and hang out with
the guys, anywhere but there. "I can't do this…I'm sorry." I gave her an
apologetic smile before I walked toward the gate back inside the yard to the
party.
I realized then, that hanging out with Tori, trying to put a Band-Aid on my
hurt ego and shattered heart, was no better than indulging in cocaine when I
was feeling like shit. It was a temporary fix…and I didn't want it. I would
rather feel the pain than mask it.
It felt damn good to walk away on my own accord.
She stood there with her mouth hanging open, calling after me, "You're
serious? But it's my birthday!" I swear to God, she stamped her foot on the
driveway in a tantrum.
The guys were still in the same spot that I had left them, drinking and
finishing of the cake that neither Tori nor I had touched. Only Tori's friends
had left them. I slid back onto the wooden picnic tabletop, noticing Eric was
leaning down behind Tyler, trying to inconspicuously smoke a joint. He
gestured it to me, but I shook my head, thinking how stupid he was.
Our coach gave us regular threats of random drug testing, so that was one of
the main reasons I stayed away from the weed. The other reason was that I
was making a genuine effort to clean myself up. Tonight had been the first
night I had drank alcohol in almost a month in a half. The last time was
when I had two beers while we watched a fight at one of Emmett's friend's
house. Before then was that night.
Though I had to admit, I missed getting high, particularly with Bella. She
was funny as hell when she was stoned. I wondered if she had smoked
without me since we'd broken up. Who would she smoke with though? Not
Angela…maybe Alice? There was no way Jasper would smoke with her and
not tell me but….
"I'm fucking bored," Connor said slurring. "And hungry."
"Diner?" Tyler perked up with his eye brow quirked. He was our designated
driver for the night, and entirely enthusiastic about leaving.
"I could eat," I replied cheerfully, eager to get the fuck out of there as soon
as possible. I didn't say good-bye to Tori and I didn't even feel bad about it.
We ended up at the diner in Port Angeles, stuffing our faces with fries and
burgers. The three of us had been working our asses off with baseball, and at
the coaches insistence, he had put us all on this high protein-low carb food
regimen, which none of us were too thrilled about. It wasn't so bad for me
because I'd already gotten used to eating like a fucking tree hugger, but these
guys weren't. They sucked down their food noisily, which made me sick to
watch, while I picked at my cheeseburger, not really having much of an
appetite. I just wanted to go home.
As soon as we paid the bill and headed back to Tyler's car, Eric covered his
mouth with his hand and puked the entire contents of his previously eaten
meal next to a dumpster. Some poor homeless guy, who we hadn't even seen
sleeping nearby, got up and started screaming that Eric blew chunks all over
his only pair of shoes. He was dressed in a green army jacket over several
layers and was filthy, but through his thick beard and the dirt, it was evident
that the guy wasn't some crazy person…he was just displaced. He picked the
boots up to show us, dripping and splattering bits of Eric's regurgitated meal
onto the pavement.
I felt so bad for the guy, that I was about to offer him money, but I knew no
store would let him inside to buy another pair of boots. I mean he was
standing eight feet away and I could smell his foulness from where I stood.
It made me shudder. Without over thinking it, I kicked off my Nike's,
picking them up off the ground and walked over slowly, avoiding vomit
splatters, offering them to him. I assumed he wouldn't be too particular about
the size, given his limited alternatives.
He just looked at me in disbelief as I nudged him with the sneakers. "Here,
just take them. I have another pair." I had like fifty pairs, so yeah, it was no
hardship. The guy took them from me as he gazed down at my socks
longingly.
"You want the socks too?" He didn't say anything, but one look at his gnarly
toes poking out of the shredded holes in his own socks, and I knew I had to
give mine to him as well. I was still drunk and not giving a fuck, so I sat on
the curb, ignoring the wide eyed stares of the guys while I pulled off my
white socks and handed them to the homeless dude along with whatever
cash I had on me.
What? My feet were perfectly clean and had no stinkage whatsoever.
He looked at me with such gratitude; it made my heart ache a little. "God
bless you, boy."
"God bless you too…take care, okay?" I nodded and followed the guys to
Tyler's car, grimacing as my bare feet touched the cool, rocky pavement. I
prayed to God that there was no E-Coli or Ebola or anything else beginning
with the letter E, particularly Ejaculate or any type of bodily Emissions.
Fucking gross.
I had already likely been given some saliva borne disease from a chick I
didn't even know, so I guessed by that point, preventative measures were
futile.
By the time we got back to Forks, the drunken discussion regarding the pros
and cons of real tits versus fake had taken a nasty turn into specific vagina
smells, all in effort to egg on Eric's looming nausea. I learned way more than
I would ever prefer to know about pussy, specifically that Jessica Stanley
had CheezeDoodle snatch and that Kristie Taylor's poon smelled like vinegar
proving that she was either big on using feminine douche or that she had a
serious ph imbalance.
"I didn't need to know this shit, guys," I said groaning, leaning my forehead
against the window. God, the whole car was still fucking spinning.
"Hey Cullen, stop being such a pussy!" Eric yelled from the back seat,
laughing.
I snorted, "What, I'm a pussy because I don't like to hear about stinky
poonanny?"
"Leave him alone, Dude." Tyler laughed as he pulled down my block. Bella's
car was in the driveway, her bedroom light off. I breathed out, hoping she
was home and asleep already and not still out with that truck driving, preppy,
PA mother fucker, doing God knows what.
"So speaking of stinky poonanny…what happened with you and Tori
tonight, huh?" Connor was hugging the seat in front of him, his face
uncomfortably close to mine.
"Nothing that would allow me to get a whiff of her crotch, that's for sure.
The bitch bit me, man. She bit me."
Eric shoved Connor out of the way, poking his head between the seats. "So
you just made out with her? Any tit grabs? You cop a feel?" He wiggled his
eyebrows suggestively and I smacked him on the forehead. It actually felt
good to hit something.
"Jesus Eric. You're worse than a fucking girl!"
"Nah, there was no groping," I responded with a chuckle. "Well…maybe a
slide and feel. Could that be considered a grope? But I was seeing two of
her, so I wasn't even sure which one I was touching."
"Slide and feel is definitely a grope."
"No way man, slide and feel is exactly that. A slide….and then a feel as the
slide uh…slides. A grope would constitute some sort of squeezing. Was there
squeezing, Bro?"
I shook my head. "Nope, definitely no squeezing. Just sliding."
"Was it on purpose, or accidental?"
"Of course it was on purpose. It was Tori fucking Hunter!"
"Uh, I don't know. It wasn't really either. I was drunk. My hand just was
there and then it wasn't." Honestly, I really had no idea. I barely remembered
the details proving that I didn't really care one way or another.
After some further deliberation, it was unanimous. A slide and fee was
definitely not a grope. "Okay then you're in the clear."
"Dude, you get a chance at a piece of Tori's ass and you don't fucking take
advantage of the goods? That's just sad. Like a crime against humanity." Eric
huffed as he pouted in the backseat.
"Yeah well, even if I did take advantage, which I did not, I wouldn't be
rehashing the details to you fucking perverts to go whack off to. I've heard
you in the locker room."
"Cullen doesn't kiss and tell."
I rolled my eyes because there was really nothing to tell anyway. I didn't
know exactly how much Tyler saw on the driveway, but for the sake of
prevention, I added, "Yeah uh…speaking of not kissing and telling, can you
guys please do me a favor and keep quiet about tonight? I don't want Bella
to hear about this from anyone but me. It would fucking hurt her and…she
doesn't need to get hurt any more by me."
"Edward, Bella got picked up by a guy tonight and drove off with him right
in front of you, and you're worried about her fucking feelings? You're a
better man than me. Fuck her, I say," Connor added as we idled in front of
my house.
I shrugged, the alcohol still running through my system causing me to feel
particularly open this evening, though these guys were pretty much strangers
to me. "You've never been in love before have you?" I asked, turning around
to face Connor.
"Nah. But I did fall in love with a great set of tits once. I think I even asked
them to marry me. I don't even remember who they were attached to, but
man they were prettttyyyy... all round and perky and pink. Can't remember
her name, but man, I remember the tits."
"You my friend are an asshole," I laughed. "Have you ever loved anything
but a set of rocking tits?" I smirked shaking my head. "Let me tell you a
little something about when you meet a set of tits that are attached to a girl
so amazing you don't even fucking notice anything else. When you're in
love…real love, and you feel like your whole world revolves around her
every move and you feel like when she enters a room you can't fucking
breathe because her laugh captivates you or the way she just like…looks at
you… and you know… that she could make every mundane moment
spectacular just by being there…and your heart races at the mention of her
name…there's nothing in the world you wouldn't do for her…fucking
nothing."
The four of us sighed reverently, Tyler adding, "That was so fucking
beautiful E…I think I'm gonna cry, man!" And then we all burst into laughter
at the corniness of my drunken words.
"It sounds fucking cheesy, but it's all true," I admitted shyly, sort of
embarrassed, but still not sobered up enough to give a fuck.
"So…why did you and Bella break up again?" Connor asked seriously.
I sighed. "Cause I fucked up and I'm an asshole and…she called me out on
it."
Eric beamed, "The blonde chick at your party, right? I knew it. Now she had
a great set of tits. Newton talked about her for like a fucking week
afterward."
"Woah, you fucked her?" Connor asked all joking gone from his tone.
"Who Tanya? I …well, yeah we… but a long time ago, and then…not that
night, but she sorta thought I did but there was other stuff that happened and
… I would never do that to Bella."
How the fuck did I even begin to explain that?
I shuddered visibly. The thought of being with Tanya actually repulsed me. I
think it was the coke association coupled with the way I felt upon seeing
Bella's face that made me sick to my stomach every time Tanya popped into
my head. Since that night, I hadn't even bothered return her many, many
calls or emails. I just wanted the girl out of my life permanently. She was
like a disease.
"I just…." I struggled for a way to explain it without having to get to the
gritty details. If I was going to be friends with these guys, real friends, than I
figured they needed to know a little about me, as unpleasant as it was to get
so personal. They just gaped at me as though I had a set of tits dick growing
from my forehead…confused and bewildered.
"Our whole relationship was just messed up from the start and I did some
shit that well…betrayed her trust. I'm not getting into the details because, I
just don't fucking feel like talking about it to be honest, but…yeah, I hurt
her, and she doesn't deserve that."
"So you want Bella back?" Eric asked.
I huffed, leaning back into the seat wiping a hand over my eyes. "More than
you can imagine."
"Then dude, you gotta go get her back." Connor said, poking his pointer
finger into my shoulder. "You gotta get her back before she falls for that
preppy fucker."
I groaned. "No, but see, that's what I wanted was for her to meet someone
else, so that she could like...I don't know...experience life and shit. And now
that she has moved on, I can't just go and take it all away from her?"
I suddenly realized my toes were fucking numb. "Jesus fucking Christ, I
gave my shoes and socks to a homeless guy, didn't I?"
"Yeah, cause I puked on the poor guy's boots. That was cool of you, by the
way." Eric patted and squeezed my shoulder. These guys were very touchy
feely. It was weirding me the fuck out.
Connor poked his head between the front seats once again. "Look, I don't
know what's up with you two, but you love her. You think she still loves
you?"
"I have no fucking clue to be honest. You think she could?" I asked,
suddenly filled with hope.
Tyler looked at me dead seriously. "There's only one way to find out, right?
You gotta ask her."
Connor, in all his drunken vigor yelled with a fist pump, "No, no, you gotta
tell her that you love her, man. Go tell her right now! Go stand outside of her
window with a CD player and declare your undying devotion!"
I scratched my head, sitting up straight as the enthusiasm suddenly hit me.
There was no way in hell I was reenacting a cheesy eighties movie.
"Should I call her? Text her maybe?" I asked. But what if she was still with
that guy, she wouldn't even answer her phone probably. He wasn't at her
house, I knew that much. Maybe they were right. Maybe I needed to tell her
that I wanted her back.
"No, go over to her house! Go tell her you love her and then go kiss the shit
out of her…ad then maybe you'll even get laid. Here, I got condoms." Eric
said, tossing a row at my head. I squished one between my finger absently
before I realized I was practically molesting a pack of rubbers.
"Eric, ...really? Glow in the dark variety pack? When the fuck do you use
these, ...when the circus comes to town?" I tossed them into the back seat.
"Yeah, I like the bearded lady."
Since when did two outfielders and a second baseman become love gurus?
And why the fuck was I actually listening to them?
"Ok, I'll go," I said enthusiastically. "I'll tell her right now."
"Go for it dude. Let us know how it turns out."
I thanked them for the ride and sort of stood on my driveway in the chilled
air fucking barefoot and jacketless as I waved them off. I knew I needed to
tell her. I had to let her know that my ignoring her had all been a ploy for her
to move on, but what if it was too late? What if….
"Fuck it," I said to myself, sprinting down the street until I was in the yard
below Bella's window yelling her name.
~%~
"Fucking hell," I groaned, looking at the clock. It was after two in the
afternoon and I was hung-over like a motherfucker. My mom had been
banging on my door yelling for me to get my ass up or she was going to
break down the door. There wasn't a part of me that didn't believe she had
the hormonal equivalent of a pro wrestler coursing through her body at the
moment, so I conceded, trudging to the door. I was in nothing but my
underwear and I didn't give a fuck.
"Why are you still sleeping at two in the afternoon?" she demanded with her
hands on her hips.
"Cause I'm hungover, ma. I drank too much last night and I feel like shit," I
said, turning around to make my way back to the bed. My voice was
gravelly and hoarse, and my tongue felt like a tiny shag throw rug.
"And before you begin lecturing me, this was the first time I drank in a very
long time, I wasn't driving and I didn't do any drugs. Kay?" I pulled the
covers over my head tightly effectively shutting her out. She would have
none of that though, and proceeded to go into full Mom mode, ripping the
covers off me in one swift motion.
"Alcohol is a drug, Edward. Please tell me you aren't going back down that
road…."
"God, no ma! I just…ugh." I sighed in extreme irritation, snatching my
comforter from her clutches covering my head again.
"Everything okay?" she asked a few seconds later, softening her tone as she
sat down beside me.
"Everything is fine."
She was quiet for a minute or so and I thought she had left. Well, I'd hoped
anyway.
"Jasper told me about Bella," she said softly.
I threw the covers off my head. "Of course he did. Douchebag. He teases me
about being a mama's boy but he's always the first to tattle on anyone. What
a fucker."
She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth in disapproval. "Please
watch your mouth Edward. If your sister's first word is Fuck, so help me
God I'm gonna strangle the three of you!" She huffed and sort of growled.
"Jasper told me because he was worried about how you would handle it. And
obviously…." The mom brow went up and her hand passed over me like
Vanna Fucking White unearthing a vowel, scolding me for drinking.
"Yeah…I was upset last night. I kissed a girl…she was eighteen…don't get
all crazy on me, ma."
She just sighed loudly expressing her disapproval. "Are you going to see her
again?"
"No, I don't like her. But I'm gonna talk to Bella. I have to let her know how
I feel before…well, maybe it's too late already, but Alice is gonna help me
try to get her back."
She sighed again, loudly. "Sweetie, do you really think that's a good idea?
You are doing so well and I don't want to see you relapse because you're
back together dealing with all the same issues again. You know I love her
and I want you to be healthy and happy, but…."
"It will be different this time. We'll take it slow…play by the rules…." I ran
my hands through my hair. "That's even if she wants to, Mom. Right now, I
just don't know if she feels the same. I pushed her away for so long and…
maybe she likes this guy, maybe she's already…fuck." I rolled over,
smashing my face into my pillow in frustration with a groan. There was a
distinct possibility that Bella could like this guy a lot. From what Alice told
me, they had been talking almost every day and they had even met for lunch
once. The truth hurt a whole fucking lot.
I was admittedly jealous of this guy simply because he could take Bella on a
regular date and fucking hold her hand and make her feel normal. Like I
said, it was what I wanted for her. I wanted only good things for her. But the
circumstances had changed slightly. I was better, stronger and more resilient.
I knew I had made mistakes, with the drugs and Tanya and I was determined
to never allow that to happen again. I would do everything in what little
power I had to make sure I made this right.
I was torn between giving Bella a chance for some happiness with him, and
fighting for her happiness with me, not even knowing if I could provide it.
But I decided at that moment that I would tell her how I felt, that I loved her
beyond words and that if she wanted me to let her go, I would.
But I was going to fight like hell first.
"Oh!" she suddenly gasped. "Sweetie, give me your hand!" My mom said it
with such urgency that she ripped me from my musings. She had been trying
to let me feel that baby kick for months and every time I put my hand on her,
the kicking would stop. I sat up quickly letting her take my hand as she
pressed it against her belly, which felt so frigging weird the way it was taut
but squishy at the same time. I felt a tiny thud against my palm and gasped,
pulling away.
I put it back with a chuckle, and another little thud vibrated against my palm
and then another and we laughed until she stopped kicking my hand.
"Are you scared?' I asked her.
"Of what? Having a baby?" I nodded. "No, it hurts for a little bit but then
you get this amazing prize afterward." She ran her hands through my hair
affectionately. It felt better than anything.
"I am...scared. I want to be a good big brother. I hope I don't disappoint you
or her," I said quietly.
"You will be a wonderful brother. Just so you know sweetie, you make me
proud every day and you are by far my very best accomplishment." My mom
leaned over, kissing my forehead before she rose off the bed. "Let me know
if I can help you with anything regarding the Bella plan, okay? Now get your
ass out of this bed and bring me your dirty clothes. I have this necessary
feeling that I need to wash today...strip your bed too." She suddenly stopped
barking orders at me and cocked her head to the side.
"Edward? Why the hell are your feet so filthy?"
It took me a second to recall exactly why they were, bringing back a flood of
memories from the previous night. "Oh that…well it's a long story. Let's just
say I did a good deed." She made a harrumph sound before she headed out.
"Hey Ma?" I called, before she could escape. "Is there any pink paint
leftover from the baby's room?"
"There's quite a bit, actually. I think there's some yellow too. You thinking of
redecorating?" Her eyebrows rose as she scanned my room warily.
I rolled my eyes and smirked. "Yeah, actually, I am. I love you, Ma…both of
you."
~%~
Instead of lounging around all day nursing my hangover, I brought down my
laundry, scrubbed my feet raw in the shower, and got to work planning my
strategy.
I knew Alice was working most of the day and she wouldn't be able to help
me as she had promised, but I began to gather together everything I thought I
would need to get this done. I mean, maybe it was lame or stupid or maybe
the end result would be completely humiliating to me and nothing short of
disastrous, but I knew I fucked up this whole thing with Bella. I knew what I
felt in my heart and in my head wasn't going to go away any time soon, no
matter how hard I tried to push her away. And regardless of the fact that she
was probably better off without me, I knew damn well that I had to act
quickly before things progressed with the preppy fucker.
I figured that if she wanted him, then there was nothing I could do to sway
her feelings; and that if it was meant to be that way, then I would accept it
and let her go. But if Bella and I were meant to be together, I would do
whatever it took to show her how much she meant to me and how far I was
willing to go to keep her in my life. There was just no other option.
And this time, I was prepared to make it work, even if it killed me.
~%~
It wasn't until a crash of lightening startled me from my sleep that night, that
I noticed Bella's text.
She missed me. She went out on a date with another guy and she fucking
missed me.
Ha! Take that you preppy, truck driving, PA motherfucker.
And I knew then, that there was only one thing I could possibly do at that
moment, knowing she was alone and scared of being in the storm. I had to
go and protect her, take her fears away and show her how much she meant to
me. I had to use the opportunity to give her my heart again.
Hopefully this time, I could convince her to keep it.
~%~

Okay, so Edward did go sort of New Moon on her after all. The APOV
out take will be up shortly. Thanks to all of you for your continued
support of the story.
The song that Edward is humming is Smile, by Uncle Kracker- great
song.
Recs:
How To Save A Life by Unholy Obsession–Yes, I've rec'ced this one
before, but I love it so much that I'm rec'cing it twice for those of you
who aren't reading it. GO NOW!!! It's only got the Epi and then its
complete.
Clipped Strands of Fate by beegurl13- this is an awesomely angsty one
shot about cult life that will break your heart. It's one of those O/s that
you wanna take the author and choke her for not making it a multi
chaptered fic. So good. I heart u B!
Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009 /2010
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
As always, kisses to Erika for proofing this beast…you are awesome bb,
and to Suzy for the countless hours of listening to me ramble about this
shit and your valued input. ILY.
Special thanks to Mel, who took the time out of her very busy life to
help with Edward's case. I know, you would prefer sexual favors from
him as opposed to monetary payment. I'm working on it.
Thank you to everyone who is reading…still.

Listening to this will enhance your reading experience greatly. Trust me,
you'll swoon. Close the spaces between the dots.
http : //www . Youtube . com/watch?v=M3uoKsCZ0RU

~High Anxiety ~
Chapter 36~ Grand Gestures
I've been beaten down
I've been kicked around
But she takes it all for me
And I lost my faith
In my darkest days
But she makes me want to believe
They call her love, love, love, love, love
They call her love, love, love, love, love
She is love
And she is all I need
She's all I need
Well I had my ways
And they were all in vain
And she waited patiently
It was all the same
All my pride and shame,
But she put me on my feet
She Is Love~ Parachute
~Bella~
Edward must have woken up as soon as his phone alarm vibrated in his back
pocket. His arms were still around me, hugging my back to his chest in a
snug embrace but I still felt the vibrations of the phone. He slowly uncurled
himself from our spoon, nuzzling his nose through my hair andkissing my
temple softly before he rose from the bed. I was barely coherent and still
quite groggy and mentally exhausted from the previous night's events… his
admission of still loving me, and of kissing another girl….
I had been too upset to respond to his words, even though they meant
everything to me.
He didn't stay for pleasantries, only whispering softly, "Em's waiting for me
to go running. I'll see you later." I turned toward him, wanting to speak, to
say something, anything…but instead watched in the darkness as he
retreated out of my bedroom door with a haste that concerned me.
I had no frigging clue what to make of it, what had happened between us,
what was even going on. I wanted to tell him his feelings were more than
reciprocated, but he didn't afford me the chance. I wondered if he left so
quickly because he thought my lack of acknowledgement at his admissions
the previous night were because I didn't feel the same about him; when in
fact it was because I loved him so much that I was unable to express my
feelings.
I rolled back over, burying my face into the pillow as my eyes shut on their
own accord,as I heard the soft click from the front door lock. The next thing
I knew, my alarm clock was flashing twelve o'clock, and it was after nine in
the morning; well into second period. With the power restored, I showered
and dressed as quickly as possible, heading to school before my father
received a call from the office that I was absent. I made a quick call to
Charlie anyhow, just to tell him that I was running late because the power
outage caused me to oversleep.
Edward wasn't in fourth period English. I had convinced myself that he
ditched because he was avoiding me. He probably felt as though by not
saying anything, I had hurt him again, and my stomach turned with the
thought of him in any more senseless pain because of me.
But then there he was, sitting at our lunch table, munching on what looked
like chicken salad. As I sat down in the chair across from him, he gave me a
quick smile, said hello and went back to eating.
While everyone around us talked excitedly about the prom—which, by all
the obnoxious glittery signage told us that it was only four weeks away,
subtly threatening that we'd better get our stupid tickets quickly or they
would be sold out, which was complete bullshit, because there was no way
they would have limited seats to the frigging prom, and trust me I knew,
because Angela made me join that committee too—Edward and I were just
sort of exchanging awkward glances, neither of us really knowing what the
hell was going on between us. We needed to talk, desperately.
Out of nowhere, Tyler came bounding into the cafeteria, pulling a chair from
a neighboring table, spinning it backwards and abruptly sitting down. He
had this big shit eating grin on his face as everyone looked at him
expectantly.
With his hands braced on the table for effect he said, "Okay so…it took a
shit load of begging and pleading, and I swore to them anything broken
would be replaced, but…we got the house."
Everyone at the table erupted into cheers, except me of course, because this
was nothing to celebrate. However, I offered a little smile, while I swirled
my baby carrots in ranch dip with unnecessary hostility, as to not to be the
downer that would spoil their seemingly good news. It did not escape my
attention, that Edward was pretty excited about "getting the house" too,
which immediately incensed me, because was he planning to go to the
prom? By himself? Or with….
While listening sporadically to bits and pieces of the past few months
conversations, from what I understood, Tyler's family had this big mountain
house somewhere between Forks and Sequim. They were all waiting with
baited breath to hear from his parents if they could all occupy the house
prom weekend. Apparently, his parents were feeling generous.
I bit the inside of my mouth, trying to dispel the massive dry lump sitting in
my throat. Tyler rattled off some stuff about how much each couple was
supposed to contribute towards alcohol and food as I grew more agitated by
the second. While they all chatted excitedly about more after-prom details, I
suddenly had the urge to leave the room because I hadn't felt this outcast
since California. Not that it was any of their faults, mind you.
"You're coming too, right Bella?" Tyler asked me, as I slid my chair back
from the table, wrapping my lunch up to throw it away. I narrowed my eyes
at him. He was friends with Edward. He had to know I wasn't going.
"Um, no. I wasn't…I don't have a date…or a dress," I muttered, giving him
the evil eye.
Everyone's conversations had suddenly quieted down so they could openly
gape at me.
Across the table, Edward let out a sardonic, "Pffft," under his breath. Ten
heads snapped to stare Edward.
"You have a shitload of dresses," he said assuredly. "I know for a fact that
there are five white ones in your closet."
Ten heads focused back on me. I scowled at Edward. "True, but I still don't
have a date."
Connor piped in, "If you had someone to go with would you go?"
"Why?" I quirked an eyebrow at him. "Are you asking me?"
"Uh no, but Ed…."
Edward's head dropped into his palm in defeat. "Very subtle guys," he
muttered. "Thank you."
"Oh shit, sorry bro." Conner and Tyler both cringed, giving me apologetic
looks. From the corner of my eye, I saw Alice give Edward a stern nod…of
encouragement.
Ohhhhhhh.
And then I understood what was happening. My face was suddenly stuck in
a perma- grin, but I quickly pulled my mouth into a tight line as to not look
overly eager. I was bursting inside. I decided to play along.
"Yeah, I suppose I'd go if I had someone to take me, but seeing as how I
don't…."
The corners of Edward's mouth curled into a smile that he too tried to
suppress, but failed. He leaned back into his chair, giving me a full self-
satisfied grin. He sighed exaggeratedly cocking his head to the side.
"Bella? Would you like to accompany me to the prom?"
Mimicking his position in the chair, I leaned back too, eyeing him down
with a smirk…a challenge. All of a sudden I felt like one of those old west
gun slingers...waiting for the ominous oooh e oooh sound and a ball of
tumbleweed to pass by.
"Eh, I don't know…I was kind of holding out for Mike to ask me first."
Edward rolled his eyes and angrily muttered, "Newton," under his breath. It
was mean but I loved when he got all flustered.
"Mike's going with Jessica," Alice added with a shrug, as if I had ever really
considered in this lifetime attending the prom with Mike Newton.
I turned to Tyler, teasing. "Well, in that case…I guess I'm stuck with Edward
after all."
Edward made that "pfffft" sound again while shaking his head. I wanted to
lick that self assured smirk off his face. I decided that I liked cocky
Edward…a lot.
The girls exploded into fits of joy, bombarding me with prom talk that I had
pretended to block out for the last three months. While they assaulted me
with plans to go dress shopping and what kind of shoes were in style, and
detailed descriptions of the stupid boat that the actual prom was to be held
on, Edward and I just smiled at each other. Without words, we both knew
that this was a very good thing. I was elated beyond comprehension to
actually attend the dance with my friends and equally as excited to see
Edward in a tux.
I was going to the prom...with Edward Cullen.
However, as always in my life, when a happy sunny day peeks through the
clouds, there was always a thunderstorm looming on the horizon. My main
concern was getting Charlie to agree to let me stay in an unsupervised house
full of teenagers for a weekend. It would be a feat in itself, and it seemed as
though it would be yet another big thing that I would miss out on. I chose
not to think about it.
Edward and I discussed a few minor prom details in Bio, but Banner
effectively shut us up by busying us with final reviews which were still three
weeks away. Other than that, nothing further was said regarding the status of
our relationship, not that either of us knew anyway. It was weird…and
wonderful at the same time.
That afternoon, I watched him practice from my spot on the second floor,
trying to decide if since I was in fact going to the prom with him I could
probably go to his practices and games without having to be all incognito.
Maybe I could even be welcome to join the gang for ice cream afterward.
The next day, right before English, I went to my locker to retrieve my stuff
for class and found a lovely bouquet of wildflowers accompanied by an
envelope placed gingerly on top of my books. I went straight to class,
noticing that Edward's seat was empty and he was MIA again.
While the teacher went over our final essay topics, I inconspicuously opened
the flap, while carefully avoiding giving myself a paper cut, and realized that
it was a letter. After excusing myself to the bathroom with the letter shoved
in my purse, I perched myself on the bathroom windowsill, pulling my legs
up off the floor.
Dear Beautiful,
I wrote a different version of this letter a while back, just before you found
out about the window thing. I had to rewrite it, because so much has
changed since then, yet so much has stayed constant, which is equally
comforting and frustrating.
The very first time I saw you walking down the street, I thought you were
absolutely stunningly beautiful. Okay, well…it was more like "fucking
hot," but I'm sixteen, and my mind is usually located somewhere near the
gutter. I watched you walk into a big old two by four, lose you footing and
still thought you were gorgeous. Do you remember that day?
And then that night, before I even knew your name, I saw you through the
window undressing. I knew it was wrong and I sort of felt like shit about
it, but you captivated me with your beauty and your body and the way you
moved … and I just couldn't get enough of you.
Then when we met, and I got to know and love your inner beauty, I knew
you had a hold of me by the balls. I couldn't stop watching you then,
because I had nothing to offer you in the form of a normal relationship, so
it was the one connection I had with you that I could indulge in. It was
very, very wrong, and I am truly sorry for insulting you and violating your
trust as well as your privacy. I should have told you a long time ago, but I
was afraid you would hate me. Or close your blinds, which in the end…
you did both.
Before last night, it had been seventy-nine days since I had held you, felt
your skin on mine, smelled your scent all around me, heard the words, "I
love you" whispered from your lips.
Seventy-nine of the most agonizing days of my whole life because they
were spent without you.
I do not, in any way, deny that what I did the night of the party was
terribly wrong. I admit that I have many issues that have yet to be
resolved. But I have been working very hard at acknowledging my demons
and accepting full responsibility for my actions, past and present. I have
done a great deal of healing— mentally, emotionally and even spiritually,
if you can believe that. I have come to a point where I no longer need you
in my life to make me a complete person, to make me feel worthy. I have
accomplished a pretty good sense of self confidence entirely on my own,
and realized that I don't need anyone to make me feel like a good person
but myself.
The difference now is that I want you in my life because you make me feel
that way.
You aren't a crutch for me any more. I can stand on my own, and make it
through the day without you. Only I don't want to, not for one second
longer.
I am asking for this opportunity to prove to you not only exactly how
much you mean to me, but how much I have changed because you leaving
me pushed me to that point. I owe you more than you could ever possibly
know.
I understand that you are at the point where you should be moving on
from the bullshit I have created for you. I guess the little shred of maturity
in me applauds you for going out there and getting on with your life, for
being able to be strong and grow without anyone but yourself to take
credit for that.
But the sixteen year old punk kid that loves you to death is pissed off and I
am putting on my gloves now, because I will not go down with out a fight.
And it is at this point where I have to stop pretending to be angry with you,
and stop ignoring you because I wanted you to have a life without me in a
normal relationship. I can't do it anymore, Beautiful. I want you to be
happy, but I simply can not watch you move on without me because I
know in every part of my heart and soul that we are meant for each other.
This is the most selfish thing I will ever do in my whole life, because right
now, I should be letting you go. I should be telling you to move on, giving
you my blessing to be with that guy who can hold your hand and kiss you,
and treat you like the princess you deserve to be treated as.
But I need you to see that we belong together. I need you to understand
that I love you more than anything in this world and I will do whatever it
takes to make you believe that is true regardless of what we have been
through. I know we can get through this together. You have to trust me. I
know that is a hell of a lot to ask, considering my track record, but do you
think you can trust me?
And just so you know, this isn't about fear, or desperation or not wanting
to be alone. This is purely about love. Strong, beautiful, real love that
doesn't happen every day. It's not perfect and it's not fairytale love with a
big bright happy ending, because we both know I am in no position to
make promise about giving you a present or future with any of that.
All I am asking is for the chance, and if you don't want me in your life
anymore, than I will accept that and I will let you go.
Okay not really, but I'll try.
Because I love you whether you want me or not.
~E
Oh, by the way, having you accompany me to the prom has made me the
luckiest guy alive. I am so proud to have you by my side, even if we can't
dance together or anything. I owe you one.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry tears of frustration or joy, so I just read
the letter over and over, hearing his sweet voice clearer each time. I didn't
even care that the whole class would probably think I was inflicted with
some sort of horrific diarrhea related episode having been gone for thirty
five minutes of the period.
Quite frankly, I was torn between being pissed and elated. He had been
ignoring me the whole time because he wanted me to think he didn't want
me anymore so that I would move on? Who the hell told him that was a
good idea? Dumb ass boy.
But I decided that it was unimportant, and the words he wrote said
everything that he didn't articulate while he was allowing me to move on.
Dumb ass. I was soaring, fully understanding and making use of the phrase,
"walking on cloud nine."
When I went back to English, twenty-one sets of eyes stared up at me, but
the only pair I wanted to see were the most perfect shade of green and were
not there. My stupid teacher, obviously having noticed that I was absent
most of the period, said aloud, "Bella, is everything okay?"
I muttered with a smirk, "Everything is fine. Perfect, actually." For
clarification, I really wanted to add that I did not in fact have the squirts, but
I refrained.
I was dying to see him, but of course, Angela and I had a talent show
meeting during the first half of lunch, leaving only a few minutes left of the
period. I hadn't paid attention to a damn word of what was said because I
was still flying high on my love letter. She would fill me in later anyhow.
When I walked into the cafeteria, Connor immediately moved over a seat,
graciously offering me his chair. I sat down next to Edward leaning in,
taking an inconspicuous whiff of his yumminess. There were no longer the
once familiar traces of soap and cologne and the cigarette smoke of Au de
Derelict. Now it was just good, clean boy.
"Thank you so much for the flowers. They're beautiful. And the letter…."
"You're welcome, but…can we talk about that later?" he replied softly, his
eyes shifting to our crowded table before landing back on mine. I knew
Edward was a very private person, so I understood him wanting to keep this
just between us. He leaned back in his seat, sliding his arm along the back of
my chair. It was the equivalent of hand holding in our world.
I was disappointed, but I changed the subject quickly. "You ditched English
again," I said matter-of-factly, as though he wasn't aware of it already.
Jasper snickered, knocking Edward in the ribs with his elbow before
commenting, "Yeah, he had some notes to take care of." I had no idea what
that meant, but obviously Edward did, because he chuckled and then shook
his head, taking a bite of his sandwich from home that I was betting was
filled with Tofurkey. He offered me his un-eaten diagonally sliced half, but I
politely declined. I had missed dinners at the Cullen's for the company…not
the cuisine.
Once we got into cooking class, I used the opportunity to openly
acknowledge the letter while making chocolate crêpes together.
I told Edward that everything he said in the letter was extraordinary and so
beautiful, but proving himself to me was totally unnecessary. Basically, the
fact that he was now happy (mostly) and healthy was enough; he had put
forth more than enough effort for me to accept that he was trying to right his
wrongs with wholehearted genuineness. And this wasn't about me at all…it
was about him getting better, which he did...and amazingly, I might add.
Besides, he made me sound like I was completely innocent in this, and I was
able to recognize and outwardly admit that I had made my share of mistakes
as well. We were two completely inexperienced sixteen year olds with none
of the answers and more questions and adult responsibilities than we should
be handling.
But this…us…could we do this again? Or would another attempt at a
relationship under extraordinary circumstances prove futile, only to hurt us
both again?
It had been three months; three very long and agonizing months apart, but
not really a long amount of time in the grand scheme of things. I wasn't sure
if starting over was the right thing to do for us. As much as I wanted to be
with Edward in any sense of the word, I wasn't certain if both of us were
ready to revisit the torture of being in a non-touching relationship when
there was clearly a physical want and need from both parties, coupled with a
shit load of sexual tension to boot. And I wasn't sure if either of us would
even be able to make it the thirteen months until Edward's eighteenth
birthday. But I figured that the original twenty-two months had dwindled
down to thirteen and it didn't seem like such a daunting task after all. Could
we do this now that we knew what to expect?
All of this, I had no answers to. But what I did know was that it felt right.
More right than anything had felt in ages.
In my heart, it felt like a good thing for us. And with all the positive changes
Edward had made, I simply had to give us the opportunity to try after how
hard he worked trying to get his shit together. It was what I had asked for,
the whole reason I left him on his own to begin with. How could I possibly
deny this to him? To us?
Besides, who was I trying to kid? I wanted this more than anything. I wanted
him.
It was not without reservations though. What I was worried most about, was
that he would relapse into his depressive state because of the non-touching
thing, once things got heated up, which I was certain at some point they
would. And I told him that if anything like that were to happen, then all bets
were off. I needed him to be well first and foremost, and that if he started
showing signs of depression again, it was a deal breaker. It wasn't
completely selfless though. I knew I wouldn't be able to bear knowing I was
the one to bring him down again after he had worked so hard to keep himself
afloat.
Sometimes, I scoffed at my own maturity. All this I expressed as I licked the
chocolate batter from the bowl with my finger and feed it to Edward off my
spatula. He was in complete agreement, and I wasn't sure if his chocolate
high had put him into an amiable mood or if he truly meant it. I was hoping
and praying it was the latter.
And though it went without saying, I had to make this clear to him in plain
English— Cocaine and Tanya, whether apart or separate, were not only a
deal breaker, but I would fucking rip his balls off and proudly hang them
from my rear view mirror like fuzzy fucking dice.
~%~
As much as I protested the idea that Edward needed to prove himself to me
in any way, he insisted that I let him do this without hassling him. He had a
plan…and he wanted to see it fully played out…something about closure
and completing a goal or whatever. I wasn't sure if it was a counseling thing
or an OCD thing, so I let him run with it, honestly eager and excited to see
what he was going to do.
The first act of "Unnecessarily proving myself to Bella," (as we had come to
labeling the events), were the flowers and the amazing letter. The second,
was definitely more original, and after the initial shock wore off, not exactly
what I would call practical, but the originality and thought was definitely
there. Sort of.
Jasper had something to do after class, so Alice asked if I could give her a
lift home. We walked outside to the parking lot after gym side by side,
chatting carelessly, while nonchalantly noticing the crowd of people that
gathered. Neither of us realized until we inched closer, that that the crowed
was actually around my car. When we finally got to see what they were all
looking at, I was kind of speechless. Alice and I sort of cocked our heads to
the side trying to figure out what the hell to make of it. It was just…weird.
My pretty little car was adorned with about a million hot pink Post-it notes
stuck to every single available space on the automobile. But since only the
top half inch of each of the papers was actually affixed to the surface, the
papers fluttered in the breeze creating this bizarre sort of flickering wave
effect. It took on almost a breathing motion…sort of reminded me of those
anemone thingies that that fish….
What the hell was his name?
Nemo.
Yeah…the kind that Nemo lived in.
It was actually really cool to look at, almost like an abstract moving art
installment, but I knew neither Alice nor I would be caught dead driving
around with the car festooned like that. Besides, not only did the pink and
red clash horribly, but I wouldn't even be able to see out my windshield. We
gaped at it in silence for a while with furrowed brows trying to appreciate it
for the effort that it took, as well as for the sentiment, which I couldn't quite
figure out was actually supposed to convey.
Alice snapped a few pictures for posterity before we got to work pulling off
the notes. As some of my classmates strolled by, I could hear their chuckles
as they pulled out their phones to take pics as well....
As I pulled off note after note, I honestly thought it was a practical joke until
I put two and two together. Obviously that was where Edward was during
fourth period, with his "taking care of notes" or whatever Jasper had
implied.
And then I realized that the Post-it directly on the center of my driver's side
window read,
You make my heart flutter. ~E
It was about as corny as one could get, but I loved it, and it was enough to
elicit an exaggerated, "Awww," from Alice. I glared at her with narrowed
eyes.
She held up her hands, which were full of Post-it notes, and said, "I had
nothing to do with this, I swear. Prom on the other hand…." she tried to look
all innocent but it wasn't working. And I was nothing but grateful for her
interference, because I was totally going to the freaking prom…with
Edward.
A quick glance at the emptying lot and I noticed that Edward's car was all
the way on the other side of the main building, but I knew he never parked
over there. I had the distinct feeling that was done purposely so that I
wouldn't recycle the papers onto his car. As I tediously pulled off the
millionth one I reminded myself that while the sentiment was sweet, the
clean up was annoying, but it was the thought that was important. And that I
loved him.
I kept the Post-it that he had written on, and as soon as I got into the car I
pasted it to the center console right above my radio so I could look at it and
remember the boy who loved me.
Later on, he told me that it wasn't so much an act of love as it was subtle
revenge for returning the sparklepeen. I got it, truly I did.
Point taken. Well done. Touché.
Now give me my sparklepeen back.
Dumb ass.
That very first week, as much as we flirted at school, we tried diligently to
keep the new relationship progression very slow. Edward was busy with
practice until five or so, and once he ate dinner, did homework and
showered, it was too late to hang out afterward. I wanted to spend time with
him pretty badly, but in the end, it was probably best that we didn't.
One night when Charlie was home, Edward came and sat outside on the
porch swing in his pajamas with me just for a few minutes while we looked
at stars and talked. It was one of the best nights ever simply because it was
so honest and uncomplicated. And it also gave him the chance to say hello to
my dad after not seeing him for a while. The tension between the two of
them had lifted substantially. It wasn't totally gone, but it was significantly
better than it was. I was able to breathe a little easier knowing that it wasn't
going to be a fight with Charlie to welcome Edward back into out home.
Edward held back with the phone calls too, only calling me at bedtime to say
goodnight. We probably could have talked for hours, but instead he kept it to
a minimum, wanting to keep a respectful distance. I was pretty sure since he
was up so early to run every morning and his daily workouts on the practice
field probably kicked his ass that he was just really tired too.
And then there was Jamie. He called a couple of times, and after avoiding
him for a few days, I finally came clean and told him that Edward and I were
trying to work things out.
Jamie said that Edward was a lucky guy. It was nice to still be able to
consider him a friend; though I knew Edward would have a hard time if we
ever hung out, so that was out of the question. There was no way in hell I
was going to sit back and allow Edward to hang out with that Tori home
wrecker girl, so I gave Edward the same respect.
Jamie was actually pretty great about the whole thing, wishing us both luck
and didn't call anymore after that. Every now and then I would get an email
from him, but that was the extent of it.
Edward nodded solemnly when I told him this, as though he felt a brief hint
of remorse or sadness over the loss of my friend. But I knew better of him,
shaking my head as I caught a brief glimpse of a satisfied smirk on his smug
face, clearly proud that he had won.
As if it was ever a competition.
However, even though he was well aware that he was my heart and soul, he
was far from done with his master plan to prove himself to me.
My friends, who had been avoiding Angela's constant reminders and pleas to
attend the talent show for months, suddenly had this genuine interest in
coming. After her persistent badgering, I had agreed to work the concession
stand with Angela in the high school lobby before the show and during
intermission. It made sense to do it because I had accepted the assignment to
take pictures for yearbook as well, killing two birds with one stone and
whatnot.
There was supposed to be a bonfire that weekend too, so I was assuming
everyone would be going there after the show. I was looking forward to
dancing and getting a little drunk to be very honest, because it had been a
while since I had hung out with everyone and I was missing them something
fierce.
However, I had no idea what Edward's plans were. He was really vague,
telling me that he was probably going to the show and then to the beach
afterward with everyone else. That made me happy, but his distant sort of
standoffishness felt wholly unnecessary to me at that point. I gave Edward
his space, knowing that he had his quirky ways and if he needed to keep
things casual for a while than I had no choice but to comply. Honestly, I was
just so happy to not be ignored by him that I was willing to take what I could
get.
And so when that Friday night came, I got ready early, trying to look
especially pretty, knowing that I might kinda sorta be hanging out with
Edward afterward. Angela was already at the high school setting up the rows
of chips, candy and sodas in coolers on the long table in front of the trophy
case. She kept smirking to herself, and acting all nervous and weird, but
when I asked what was up she shrugged her shoulders and gave me another
assignment to do. She was very bossy when she was nervous.
Around a quarter to the hour, the building began filling up with people,
walking noisily in droves to the auditorium. It struck me as odd when from
the corner of my eye I saw Carlisle and Esme with her huge belly come in
behind the girls and Jasper and Em. They all came over to say hello, and of
course, I nonchalantly asked if Edward was there with them. Esme said he
left something in the car and he'd be in soon. Knowing that he was there
made my heart race and my palms sweat. I made small talk with them,
marveling at the size of Esme's growing middle, warily touching it when she
offered.
Weirdest experience ever, by the way.
But she was more beautiful than I had ever seen her, obviously proving that
pregnancy agreed with her.
A few minutes later, Edward showed up looking nervous and fidgety, but as
always, so frigging handsome I wanted to attach myself to his leg so I could
hump it raw. His gorgeous smile effectively made important stuff tingle and
he didn't even have to touch me to do it.
Edward asked if I would be at the beach after the show, and even though he
had already asked me that afternoon, I reassured him again that I would. He
was acting really weird too. What the hell? It must have been a full moon.
Once the lobby had cleared and the performances began, Angela and I
watched from the back of the auditorium, not wanting to leave the snacks
unmanned. Some of the acts were surprisingly good and others not so much.
I took a million pictures with my super awesome zoom lens that Charlie let
me borrow. As I eyed the telescopic lens, I laughed to myself thinking that
Edward probably would have liked to have borrowed this a few months
back.
I suppose it was good that I could laugh about it now. I had opened my
blinds again just to let Edward know that I was no longer miffed about the
whole thing, but he never said anything about it. I didn't know if it was
because he genuinely didn't see because he hadn't been peeking, or if he did
notice and just didn't want to get caught again. Alice insisted that I should be
installing a pole and giving him pornographic strip shows or some shit. That
girl was such a hooker, God bless her slutty little heart. Thank God Jasper
couldn't see in her window, they would never leave the house.
On stage Jessica, Makenna and Lauren danced to a slutastically fabulous
version of a Lady Gaga medley. They were so inappropriately raunchy for a
high school talent contest that it was actually borderline comical and
definitely cringe worthy, but Angela had a point when she said they would
all make excellent strippers or prostitutes some day. At least they would have
gainful employment prospects and something to look forward to. Who
would have guessed that Forks would be the launching pad for some serious
adult entertainment beginnings….
Intermission came and went in a flurry of money and bags of chips, cold
sodas and candy bars. We sold out of everything, down to the last Snickers
bar, which I bought myself because I was starving. I didn't even get a chance
to see or talk to Edward, we were so damn busy.
After Angela and I cleaned up the table and gave the proceeds to Mrs.
Miller, we went back inside the auditorium to watch the rest of the show.
The sudden urge to go to the bathroom hit me and I leaned over to her
whispering. "I'm gonna go pee, be right back."
"No!" she yelled, causing a bunch of heads in the back row to turn and glare
at us as we disrupted some freshman's violin solo. "Just wait a minute,
okay?"
"Why, Ang…I gotta pee." I noticed where my friends were sitting there was
a seat empty and Edward was gone…and Alice was turning her head around
looking for me.
"Just wait, okay? Cross your legs or something." She latched her arm
through mine, successfully preventing me from moving. After the violinist
took her bow and her round of applause finished, the red velvet curtains
closed and the lights dimmed to black.
My heart began thumping erratically because then, I had a vague idea of
what was coming. I assumed that if Edward would ever venture to do
something like this, he would be playing a piano piece because he was so
confident with the instrument.
But when the spotlight illuminated him sitting on a stool at the center of the
stage holding his guitar in position, my mouth hung open in shock. I might
have even drooled a little.
Amongst the packed auditorium, his whole family screeched and whistled
and the scattered members of the baseball team whooped and hollered
proudly yelling, "Go Cullen!" and "Edward, you sexy bitch!" which made
his shoulders shake with laugher as rolled his eyes.
I stood there completely stunned, not even realizing that Angela had been
slowly dragging me down the center aisle with her. My breath caught in my
throat, and Angela squeezed my arm tightly, as Edward smiled.
I knew there had to be a reason he was so nervous when he first came in,
which also explained Esme and Carlisle's random attendance of the show as
well as my friends' sudden interest in coming to something which was
deemed lame not too long ago.
Edward gripped the lowered mic stand tightly in his hand, a slightly visible
tremor to it, and cleared his throat.
"Hi, um…this song is called She is Love by Parachute and uh…it's for my
girl."
His fingers strummed the first cord before his green eyes scanned the crowd.
When they found mine, he smiled widely, all the nervousness seeming to
dissipate in an instant.
As soon as that first line of the song poured from his mouth, I was moved
beyond words. I held onto one of the seat backs, gripping it so that my knees
wouldn't buckle. This was the ultimate grand gesture and it took so much
courage for Edward to put himself out there, in front of an entire auditorium
of people watching him. I mean he was always in the spotlight when he
played baseball, but this was entirely different.
The audience was hushed into an awed silence as he sang, words smooth as
silk, flowing off his lips. It made me feel like a princess or something, so
special to have this done for me. Someone in the audience whispered, "Oh
he is so hot," and I rolled my eyes and giggled, because yeah, he most
certainly was.
And he was so good.
Every so often, he would stare right at me, smiling as he sang in a perfect
serenade. I almost wished we were alone, instead of in an auditorium filled
to capacity. But I suppose if we were, then I would probably try to jump his
beautiful, talented bones and that would be counterproductive. I didn't even
realize that Angela had swiped my camera from me and was taking pictures
while I was busy swooning over my boy.
When he was finished with the piece, the crowd erupted into applause and
whistles as he stood, nodded modestly and walked off clutching his guitar.
His face was red with embarrassment, or relief, I couldn't quite tell. When I
was suddenly aware that Angela had finally let me free from her death grip, I
bolted out of the auditorium as fast as my heels would take me, around the
back of the wood shop wing where the stage doors were. I saw him standing
there, leaning against the wall with his head down still holding the neck of
his guitar.
"Edward!" His head snapped up when I called him and I stopped short
before I collided with him. "That was…oh my God, that was amazing!"
His face lit up a million watts, the smile bashful, yet proud. "Yeah? I've been
practicing that for a while and everyone convinced me to do this. I thought it
was kinda stupid, but Alice said you would love it, so…I'm glad you liked it.
God, I feel like I'm gonna hurl right now," he chuckled, doubling over to
catch a breath.
"No, don't puke! You were so good, Edward…so good. And Connor is right.
You are one sexy bitch." Edward and I both giggled. It was so hard not to
throw my arms around him and embrace his delicious body, but I restrained
my impulses, sliding down the wall to sit by his side. The ache to hold hands
was almost palpable.
"See this is…" he whispered, looking wistfully at me. "This is where it gets
really hard. Loving you is so fucking easy, but then this...."
He didn't need to finish his sentence for me to know exactly what he meant
by that. The compulsion to hold back everything that felt right and natural
for us was so crippling and frustrating and unfair. He worked so hard at
getting himself better, but this one moment defined everything for us. We
loved each other but we couldn't touch one another. It was that simple and
that difficult. Still. Nothing had really changed, except us.
This was our life together. We chose it, and we made the conscious decision
to deal with what it was.
And so we did.
We didn't hang out at the bonfire for long. We made an appearance, long
enough for Edward to receive multiple accolades on his performance, have a
beer and then split, just to hang in Edward's car alone. We talked for hours
about everything we had missed, finally feeling free to divulge all of the
missing time. I told him details about Jamie and when morbid curiosity got
to me, I asked him to he tell me things about "Tori" and he did, and I cried. It
wasn't a big deal, because they didn't do anything but kiss, but it was just
painful to hear about, even though I had asked. I figured in the end, it was
better to be honest than to have any kind of secrets.
It never even occurred to me that I still harbored a secret from Edward,
probably the biggest one of them all. I had put it so far back in my mind that
it didn't even register that it was the perfect opportunity to come clean about
meeting Charlotte over Christmas.
Before we said goodnight, Edward rung his hands together nervously and
asked, "So listen. I uh, I have a home game tomorrow at the high school and
I was wondering if you maybe would want to come…to the game…to see
me play. You don't have to, but I thought…Jesus, why am I so nervous about
this?" He chuckled, making the awkwardness so unnecessary.
I sighed. "I would love to come. But, I have a confession to make." I
cringed. "I've watched all of your practices and I've…been to every game
except one because I overslept." I shrugged hoping he wouldn't find that
weird, because it was weird.
"You've been there? Why didn't I know this?"
"I thought it would be strange, so I went, but I sort of stayed out of sight. I
don't know, I didn't know how you would feel about me being there and I
guess I felt hypocritical breaking up with you, but still wanting to be a part
of your life when you clearly didn't want me in it."
"Oh Bella…" he said sadly. "I'm so sorry."
"No, don't apologize. I'm glad I went because I wouldn't have missed you
playing for the world. You are so hot on that field. And I am so proud of you
for everything you've accomplished. I am amazed at your ability to
overcome this."
Even in the dim lighting in the car, Edward's face was beat red with
embarrassment. I changed the subject to spare him any more pain, but when
I left at the end of the night, he whispered, "Thank you for being there…."
That next afternoon, I went with Alice and Jasper to Edward's game, proudly
sitting in the stands with his family, screaming his name. Edward winked at
me before he ritualistically pulled out the necklace and kissed it.
Edward was a sight to see. I mean, now that I had a close up view, he was
just absolutely incredible to watch. The power and skill behind his pitch was
impressive to say the least. But the confidence he exuded showed even in his
walk. He sort of strutted onto the field. Edward was a different person out
there on the mound, he owned it. He was home.
And don't even get me started on the ass on that boy.
They won the game, of course, and we headed to Friendly's in town for ice
cream. I sat there with the family that had become mine again, as they
treated me as though I had never even been gone but was missed
nonetheless. It was awesome. And Edward, though slightly sweaty and
refusing to remove his hat, was glowing with pride.
Later that night, Edward and I went into Port Angeles with everyone to see a
movie and grab something to eat afterward. It felt so nice being back with
the crowd, almost as though nothing had changed…except for Edward. He
was so different. He smiled and laughed and just exuded happiness. I knew it
wasn't entirely a result of my presence, because he was displaying those
positive changes before we started hanging out again. But still, I felt lighter
than air, and happier than I had been in a very, very long time.
Could it possibly work? Could we possibly be together without being
together and still make it to Edward's birthday intact?
Before we parted that night, Edward told me he had another surprise for me,
but I would have to wait until the next day for it. I spent all of Sunday
anxious and giddy, rushing through my party waiting to find out what he had
planned. When I got home, I found a note on my front door that read:
Follow the fruit.
I looked around noticing that a trail of Froot Loops cereal had been scattered
from the front porch all the way to the fence that lead to the yard. It
continued down the tree lined path toward the Cullen's property, a path that
had been left untraveled for three months. I saw it from a distance through
the trees, a sight that just couldn't be overlooked. I smiled so big my cheeks
hurt as I neared the tree house, now freshly painted with a bright coat of
Pepto Bismol pink paint. The little flower boxes were painted white, nailed
back into their proper places and filled with fake daisies. The ladder and
rock wall were painted bright, cheery green to match the slide, and over the
arched door was my name printed in fancy lettering. I ran my fingers lightly
over the wood on the side of the house, tracing the hand drawn heart with
the letters E&B written inside.
It was beautiful. I climbed inside where the walls were now a happy yellow
with furry pastel pillows scattered on the floor.
As if the house itself weren't enough, there were three new Barbie dolls still
sealed in their boxes, along the far wall. Lying on the floor was a large pink
photo album. I sat cross legged, pulling the album into my lap. Inside were
pictures upon pictures of my mom and dad and I, Rose and Alice when we
were little up until recently, and pictures of Edward and I apple picking,
from Halloween and Christmas. There were pictures from various places we
visited in Chicago, the skating rink, the Pfister Hotel and our Vegas trip. And
then there were a bunch of random candid pictures that I had no idea had
been taken, likely by someone on the yearbook staff. It was my whole life all
in one place.
As I wiped the tears from my eyes I jumped when I noticed Edward perched
in one of the doorways watching me. He had his chin resting on folded arms
and wisps of pink paint in his wet hair, obviously not having been able to
remove it even after showering. Edward wore a smile a mile wide though his
eyes looked glazed over and tired.
"Do you like it? Alice and Rose helped me with it." He pointed to the book
on my lap adding, "And that too."
"Edward, I love it, it's amazing, all of it…but you have to stop doing all this
stuff now. You proved yourself a long time ago. I don't need anything from
you except…you."
"Yeah well, I'm out of ideas at this point anyway," he chuckled. "So…are
we…" he broke off hesitantly, his eyes pleading as he waited for me to
confirm if we were officially back together.
I raked my teeth shyly over my bottom lip. "Yeah, of course we are."
He shut his eyes for a moment before he scrambled up the ladder to get
inside the house as fast as he could. Before I knew it, he was sitting before
me on his knees, sending me scooting backward into the wall. I hoped the
paint was dry, because I really liked my jeans.
"You'll be my girl again?"
"I've always been your girl, Edward."
His smile was huge. "God, I love you."
"I love you too. Thank you for everything."
"It was my pleasure. I really want to kiss you right now," he said sadly. It
was a statement, not a request.
"I want to kiss you too…." I leaned forward. Staring at his lips, his soapy
clean smell with his close proximity sort of caught me off guard and I felt
like I was stuck in some Edward Cullen mind fucking vortex. I literally had
to shake my head to pull myself from the trance he created.
Pulling back abruptly I yelled, "But no! We said we were going to be good
and play by the rules. We can do this, but we have to be good. We have to do
this right, Edward. Otherwise this is torture and we'll end up right back
where we were, and I can't do that."
He nodded, sufficiently chastised. "You're right. I'll behave. Sorry." He sat
back, picking up the book and thumbing through it. He had included the
pictures of skating, where I snapped him bundled in my silly striped scarf.
We laughed together, talking about each of the pictures pasted into the book.
I told him about some funny moments with my parents and with the girls
and he listened intently, laughing with me.
It was the best sound I had ever heard.
I turned to him smiling. "Hey, can I have my ring back?"
"To wear?" he asked.
"No, to hang off my nipples. Of course to wear."
Edward smirked, pulling on the leather cord around his neck. As soon as I
heard the tinkling sound I knew, and couldn't figure out why it didn't dawn
on me sooner that he was wearing the rings around his neck.
"What am I going to kiss for luck before my games?" his mouth curved into
a smirk.
I was stuck in the vortex again, so I whispered, "Me."
Edward's eyes widened with amusement. "I thought you just said we had to
be good?"
"Shit, you're right. Your smile puts me in a trance. It's totally distracting and
evil."
"Oh, is that right?"
I nodded dumbly.
He raked his teeth over his bottom lip and smirked like the smug bastard he
was. "So I can pretty much get you to do anything I want just with…just a
mere smile?"
"Stop it," I warned, pointing a finger at him.
He smiled again, wiggling his eyebrows.
"Stop it!" I squealed, swatting him with the album until he backed off.
He chuckled softly, rubbing his arm. "Of course you can have your ring
back, but you're gonna have to wait until baseball season is over. I don't
want to jinx the team."
"You'll wear yours too?"
He nodded. "It would be my honor."
We climbed out of the tree house, walking toward the Cullen's. I asked,
motioning to the tree house, "Has Jasper seen it yet?"
Edward snorted. "Uh, no. He's gonna be so pissed though. It may actually be
the reason he stops getting high."
Somehow I doubted that.
I would have liked to say that things with us returned to normal, but since
our relationship could never actually be classified as normal, that would be a
poor choice of words. We managed. Edward and I didn't spend nearly the
same amount of time together that we once did, simply because our
schedules were so busy now.
But that was good, because on the weekends, we were always together,
hanging out with our group, sometimes with Carlisle and Esme, sometimes
alone. We took walks in the woods, and had lunches in Port Angeles,
watched movies…talked. Edward stayed away from the weed, as did I out of
courtesy, and our friends were pretty considerate with curbing the PDA and
smoking up in front of us. It wasn't as though Edward couldn't smoke, he
just chose not to. Honestly, I missed it a little. High Edward was a fun
Edward.
In the four weeks that had passed, things shifted with us once again. We
were friends…best friends, and even though the kissing and touching part
was always there, as was the blatant sexual frustration, we managed to
gently acknowledge it, and then push it away. There was nothing we could
do, so why dwell upon something that was out of our control? We were
coping, and doing a pretty fucking great job, I might add.
I lieu of physical affection, we spent a lot of time writing notes to each other
with things like, "I would so be kissing you right now," or Edward would
whisper sweet things in my ear. He was constantly telling me how pretty I
was and how happy I made him. We reverted back to some of our old ways
of getting around the rules by feeding each other food and stuff. We talked
constantly and we were honestly closer than we had ever been. All the while
following the rules like good a little boy and girl.
Though, at night, it would be safe to say that I had never masturbated so
much in my life. And since Edward had run out of lotion twice during that
time, it was going to venture to guess that he was experiencing the same
issues as I was.
It was a week until prom and the weekend after that was graduation, and
then it was Edward's seventeenth birthday. Because of finals, Juniors and
Seniors had half days, which was nice, because after school let out, we
would head down to the beach on nice days and just hang out. Sometimes
we would just sit in someone's car and listen to music and bullshit about
nothing. Jasper had been boycotting the tree house, sighting that he was way
too masculine to smoke up in a tree house painted the color of 'fucking
chapped pussy lips.'
~%~
I had managed to confide in Maggie everything that had been going on over
the last few months, leaving out details like the peeping tom stuff and
Edward's drug counseling. She was amazingly supportive, like a big sister
would be and I was truly lucky to have her to talk to.
Out at dinner with her and Charlie one night, I had mentioned the prom,
preparing to gently try to convince my dad that allowing his sixteen year old
daughter to stay for three days in an unsupervised home was a good idea. As
I was giving him my responsibility and chastity speech with my "You're too
overprotective and I am a good kid and still a virgin with out any promise of
a status change in sight" last resort back up plan ready to go, he cut in telling
me that Maggie had already worked him over.
As long as I promised to abide by the law and not indulge in alcohol and
illegal substances or sleep in the same bed as Edward, he was okay with it
because he trusted me.
Yeah, way to make me feel guilty, Dad.
I sat there in disbelief, realizing that we had the weekend to be together, and
realizing that there was no way in hell I would be sleeping in a different bed
than my boyfriend and damn straight I would be getting drunk on prom
night as would Edward. I mean really, we couldn't kiss or dance with each
other… how much pleasure could we realistically be denied here? But daddy
dearest didn't need to know any of that.
Then Maggie changed the subject with pictures of bridesmaid dresses and an
announcement that they were going to be married in the fall in a small but
lavish wedding. My dad rolled his eyes and downed his beer, drowning out
our girlie conversation in his hops and barley.
So, all in all, things were looking up considerably. The black cloud that was
once perpetually following over Edward seemed to have dissipated for the
most part. Waking up each day gave me something to look forward to. I had
bounce in my step and always had a smile on my face. I was even thinking
about going off the meds, because I hadn't had a panic attack in months.
And Edward…my sweet beautiful Edward. I loved who he was now—this
happy and secure boy with a tinge of cocky self-assuredness. He was
actually funny too, which kind of surprised me because his dry sense of
humor was always kind of dampened before.
But there was this lightness around him, which was so unbelievably nice to
see.
And things with us were great, they really were. We laughed and hung out
like friends, just happy to be in each other's presence, dealing with our
relationship one day at a time and doing a great job of it. We were so happy
and more in love than ever.
And then, because I spoke too soon or maybe it was because I had a felt a
real tinge of hope for the first time in a long time, or maybe it was even
because the universe hated me…just like that…it all came to an abrupt stop.
The music was blaring as Edward sped down the one-oh-one toward home.
Alice and I had our prom dresses lying carefully in the trunk, fresh from the
seamstress, along with our shoes and accessories that we had just picked up
at a boutique in Port Angeles. The boys had just gotten measured for their
tuxes and of course, Edward declined renting one, so he had his custom
made, the spoiled brat that he was. He absolutely refused to wear anything
"That some strange dude's sweaty ball sack rubbed against." When he put it
like that, I didn't blame him one bit.
We'd eaten lunch and had a really nice day together, despite the fact that the
boys were being argumentative with each other.
Carlisle had been feeling uncharacteristically charitable and was allowing
one of the boys to take the Porsche to the prom. Since Em was a senior and
going in a limo with the rest of the prom court, Edward and Jasper had been
fighting it out amongst themselves in a heated debate of sorts. They had both
presented pretty good arguments as to why they should each be entitled to
get the car for the night. Edward was winning, as he pulled out the 'not being
able to have sex in it' card, making everyone feel sorry for him...and of
course, poor epically virginal me. But Jasper argued that he used his turn
when he stole it for his trip to New York. I disputed this idea in that Edward
wasn't in his right mind at the time and since he could technically plead
temporary insanity, his turn was therefore null and void.
Edward beamed at me, saying I would make a great lawyer some day. Yes, I
was awesome.
When Edward's phone rang, he turned down the music, pointing to his phone
with a cheeky grin.
"See it's Dad right now, telling me the Porsche is mine. Well, hello Daddy,"
he said chuckling as he answered. His smile fell immediately.
"We're right around the block. We'll be home in like, two minutes, why…
what's up?" There was a short pause leaving the car in an echoing silence as
he spoke. "Dad, what's wrong? Is it the baby? Is it mom…Emmett?" Another
pause. Edward glanced at me, worry marring his face. "Okay, okay, see you
in a minute." He hung up looking just as confused as we were listening to his
panicked voice.
"What's wrong?" Three voices asked in unison.
Edward shook his head in confusion. "Dad told me to get home immediately.
Everyone is fine…something's up but he wouldn't say what."
We all shrugged our shoulders around the sudden nervous tension, giving
each other wary glances. It was when we turned the corner to our block that
Edward came to a slow stop in the middle of the road. He slowly turned his
head toward mine, his mouth agape.
"What the fuck?" Jasper leaned into the front seat to get a closer look.
"Shit," I swallowed, my throat suddenly becoming very dry, as we all caught
sight of the police car sitting in the Cullen's driveway. The words Clallam
County Sheriff was written in green letters along side of the car. Someone
was in deep shit, and it didn't take a genius to figure out that Carlisle hadn't
called Edward just for the fuck of it. He was fucked and we all knew it.
"Fuck me…fucking fuck…." Edward brought a fist to his mouth looking at
me nervously. I could see the panic settling in his features, his eyes pleading
with me to help him. I had never felt so utterly useless before.
After a few silent minutes, he let his foot off the brake slowly, continuing
down the road at a snails pace until we reached the driveway. None of us
knew what to say so we remained silent. Eventually we exited Edward's car
as though we were heading to an execution. I was petrified.
Esme met us at the door, with wide eyes that looked like they were about
spill over tears any second.
Jasper whispered, "Mom, what the hell is going on?" but Esme shook her
head and made eye contact with Edward who was the last to file in.
Her voice cracked as she said, "Edward, the Sheriff is here to see you." She
placed a hand on her son's shoulder to comfort him. I could see that he was
shaking in terror already.
"Why?" he asked warily, shutting the door behind him. Carlisle stood in the
living room still in his dress shirt and tie from the office. Next to him was
the Sheriff in full uniform, holding a manila envelope in his hand.
Fucking manila envelopes. They were the bane of my existence. It was
amazing to me how something so ordinary and functional could contain life
altering contents. Again.
The sheriff addressed Edward formally. He did not offer his hand or a smile
for that matter, so we all immediately knew that this was not a social call,
nor was it good news.
"Are you Edward Anthony Cullen formerly known as Edward Anthony
Masen?"
"Yes sir," Edward replied. His voice trembled slightly.
The officer held out the envelope. "You are hereby served with a summons
from the Court of Cook County in the State of Illinois."
Edward's mouth opened and closed. He took the envelope from the officer
with a guarded, shaking hand while looking toward his father. Carlisle
gestured with a nod and whispered warily, "Open it, son."
We could all see Edward's throat bob as he swallowed. I swore I could hear
his breath tremble as he unsealed the envelope with clumsy, shaking hands.
The six of us stood scattered about the room still as statues, each of us
wearing a terrified expression, even the cop. I had tears in my eyes, just
watching Edward knowing he was so frightened and knowing I couldn't do a
fucking thing to comfort him but watch whatever was about to happen
unfold right before my eyes, and ultimately watching Edward crumble in the
process.
He pulled the documents from the envelope scanning them quickly, his
mouth moved as he mumbled words aloud in scattered phrases. Carlisle and
Esme moved closer to get a look at the documents.
As they leaned over each shoulder Edward blinked rapidly and quickly read
aloud, "COMES NOW, Petitioner Charlotte Harris, by and through her
attorneys, Afton and Vascilii LLC, and for her Motion to Modify the terms of
the restraining order against one Edward A. Cullen, formally known as
Edward A. Masen states as follows:
1. New information has come to the attention of Petitioner that directly
impacts the terms of the restraining order.
2. It is in the best interest of justice for all parties involved that the Court be
made aware of these new details and their effects on the terms of the
restraining order.
WHEREFORE, Petitioner prays that this Court will grant Petitioner's
Motion to Modify and enter an order amending the terms of the restraining
order consistent with the new information discovered and for whatever
further relief the court deems necessary under the circumstances."
All of us tried to make out the legal jargon that Edward had just read.
"What…what is this?" he asked looking around, settling his eyes on the
officer. The officer held up his hands in surrender, obviously having no
information regarding the contents as he was just ordered to issue the
summons. Edward freaked.
His eyes widened, absolutely terrified. "WHAT IS THIS?" he screamed.
"WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?"
Esme immediately scooted off toward the kitchen to grab her cell, mumbling
that she was calling their lawyer. Carlisle took the papers from Edward's
hand apparently to try to make sense of them, as Edward paced, grabbing
furiously at locks of his hair.
"It says you are expected to appear in court on June ninth? That's two
fucking days from now! Jesus, you'd think they would give us a little more
notice to prepare. It doesn't say here specifically what this is about, only that
there's a hearing to modify the restraining order. What more can they
possibly do to you?" Carlisle kept reading, shaking his head as his eyes
scanned the various pages of the documents.
Edward looked at me, covering his mouth. "Oh my fucking God," he said
softly, though his eyes were screaming.
The officer then gave a nod, said a quiet, "Good night folks," and left the
Cullen home. Jasper stepped in front of Edward griping his fingers around
Edward's biceps, effectively halting his movement.
"E… bro, calm down. Let them figure out what the fuck this is about before
you rip out all of your hair. You're gonna be okay. Let mom call Jason, okay?
Let them figure out what this is about. You gotta calm down...breathe buddy,
breathe...."
Edward's head was bowed. He nodded quickly, placating Jasper for the
moment. Jasper's hands on his arms seemed to compose Edward a bit, but
we could all still hear his rapid breaths as he tried to prevent and control an
oncoming panic attack.
I had no idea what to think or feel or do. I felt so useless and helpless and I
just wanted to hug my boyfriend and offer him comfort. It broke my heart
knowing that this girl who was miles away, a ghost of his past was still
causing Edward heartache.
In the midst of the mess we were standing in, I was suddenly so proud of
Jasper for coming to his brother's side without being asked. I didn't even
realize that I was crying until Alice wiped tears from her own face and
moved next to me, hugging me to her side.
Edward finally sat down on the couch, his knee bouncing furiously as he
rested his head in his hands. I knelt in front of him, willing him to look at
me. When his eyes flashed at mine he panicked again.
"The fucking pictures…what if Charlotte got a hold of the pictures of us?
They show me buying beer and cigarettes. Isn't that a felony or a
misdemeanor or something? Oh God, Dr. Kate! What if she told…what if…
fuck…I told her everything…fucking everything!"
Carlisle swiftly came to sit down on the arm of the couch next to Edward,
reassuring him that he did not think Dr. Kate had anything to do with this,
considering only a few months ago, she contacted Esme and Carlisle telling
him that she had sent a letter to Judge Aro. In the letter it stated that she
thought the sentence was causing Edward "undue mental anguish" resulting
in mental illness (severe anxiety and depression) that had not been
previously diagnosed before the accusation. It turned out that there was no
response or acknowledgement of the letter by that asshole judge or any other
legal party in Chicago, so no one had thought Edward should be made aware
of it as it might have upset him.
Carlisle shook his head. "According to the paperwork, this is entirely
Charlotte's motion."
"Why won't she just leave me the fuck alone? I haven't bothered her, I…why
is she doing this to me, Dad?"
It was then that I knew I had no choice but to confess.
"Edward…."
He looked at me with such sad eyes. He was trying so hard not to cry. I
continued, "During Christmas, when we were in Chicago…I um…." I
looked away, scared to death of his reaction. His eyes widened.
"What, Bella? Tell me."
I sighed, whispering, "Oh God. I saw Charlotte. I mean I went to see her at
her job and I begged her to confess because you were suffering so badly and
I knew I shouldn't have gone there but I had to do something and it was the
only thing I could do to help you. I didn't harass her or do anything that
would affect the restraining order…I checked with an attorney first, but…
she seemed remorseful and she kept saying she was sorry, but then she got
pissed when I saw the bruises on her arm and mentioned Peter. I'm so
sorry…I was just trying to help." I felt the tears fall onto my cheeks, and I
wiped them away as quickly as they had fallen. Even if she wasn't pressing
charges or whatever because of my visit, I still felt partially responsible for
this. I helped Edward break the restraining order. I was as guilty as he was.
Edward's mouth opened completely stunned as he looked to Carlisle and
then back at me. Esme shot me a knowing look that said without words, so
that's where you were! I felt horrible for deceiving all of them, even though
it was with good intentions and entirely for Edward's benefit.
Before Edward could even say anything, Esme handed the phone to Carlisle,
letting him know that it was Jason on the phone. As they talked Edward
leaned forward whispering softly, "Don't cry baby, it's okay. I know you did
it to help me. We don't even know if that has anything to do with this." And
of course I felt like shit because he was consoling me when I should have
been consoling him. And he wasn't mad, but totally had the right to be.
"I need you to come with me, Bella. Can you come to Chicago with me?
Please? I need you to be there."
I nodded, knowing that I would do anything, anything to help him through
this.
Carlisle interjected, ending his call. "I don't think that's a good idea at all. I
know you want Bella's support, but having your girlfriend accompany you
does not help your case. Listen, Jason is going to find out what he can, but it
seems that this is a very tight case. In the meantime, I am going to book a
flight for the morning and call Grandma and Grandpa to tell them we'll be
staying with them for a few days. You'll need to pack your black suit and a
plain tie."
Edward nodded despondently. We all sat there for a while trying to console
him, but no one could offer anything that really gave him any security. He
was terrified. Jason had called later on to check in, telling us that there case
was closed tight and there was no information being offered because they
were minors and that's the way the confidentiality laws worked. He
discussed the options and the outcomes, which were not good. House arrest
would be the main punishment for violating the restraining order, which
wasn't so horrible but we all knew that meant he wouldn't be able to play
ball if that was the outcome. But because of the possible misdemeanor
charges regarding the purchase of alcohol and cigarettes as a minor, it was
possible that that he could end up in a juvenile detention center. Edward was
petrified.
Even so, Edward had rejected the offer of taking a Xanax to calm his nerves.
I was proud that he did, but worried just the same because I was so afraid he
would fall completely apart without a little help.
He didn't.
We all ate dinner together and for the first time that I had experienced since
Thanksgiving, we all clasped hands at the table and prayed. Carlisle led his
family in a prayer to God asking Him to watch over Edward and keep him
safe. He also asked for a miracle.
I cried again, blaming PMS on my emotions, but I was fooling no one. But
Esme, Rose and Alice were teary eyed too, so I didn't feel so bad. Of course
by then Emmett and Rose had been filled in as to what was going on, and
after dinner Emmett and Edward left for a while to talk. Edward came back
looking like he felt a little better. I thanked Em later for the little hope that
had given his brother, fleeting as it was.
After he got back, I helped Edward pack. It was probably the most morose
experience I have ever had, watching the boy I loved carefully stuff his
personal items in a small suitcase, as though he was going off to war. He was
so quiet, completely withdrawn and I hated seeing him like this again. I
didn't want to push, but I also didn't want to have him hold it in, so I crossed
the room and hugged him. I hugged Edward in my arms, tightly as I could
and he held me as though his life depended on it. It was the first time we had
touched since we had gotten back together and it sucked that it was under
these circumstances.
When we finally broke apart, Edward sighed and continued to pack. He
placed a brown leather bound notebook in one of the zippered pockets of the
suitcase.
"What is that?" I asked.
"It's a journal. Dr. Kate said it would help if I wrote stuff down."
"Does it help?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. It will be fucked up to go back and read about
all the shit I went through in twenty years. Hopefully I'll be in a good place
then."
"You will. I know you will." He nodded his head solemnly, clearly not
believing it. If I had access to Charlotte right then I would have broken her
fucking neck for what she did. She brought him back to the hollow shell of a
person he was before and I fucking hated her ugly guts for it. Charlotte was
like a plague.
That night I prayed for the first time in months. I begged God to please not
let anything bad happen to Edward. He didn't deserve it and it would be
incredibly wrong for Him to do anything that would cause Edward further
pain. I asked God to give me whatever he was planning for Edward instead,
because I would take his share knowing I couldn't bear to watch my
beautiful boy fall apart again.
The next morning, after not sleeping a wink, I got up early, got ready and
met Edward in his driveway. He came out of the house holding a garment
bag over his arm hauling his suitcase behind him. He gave me a meek smile
and a quiet, "Hey Beautiful," as he placed his luggage in the truck of his
father's car. He looked exhausted and he had definitely been crying.
When Esme followed Carlisle outside, she said a quick hello and I could see
that her eyes were rimmed in red as well. She was too far in to her
pregnancy to fly, and I was betting it was killing her to watch her baby boy
go off into the unknown and not be able to physically be there for him. I
knew this, because I felt the same way. All I wanted to do was protect him
and I wasn't fucking allowed to.
Carlisle nodded a warm greeting to me, before letting Edward know that
they had to leave to catch their plane. Jasper and Emmett, still in their
pajamas came out, each of them giving Edward a supportive and loving hug,
along with whispered encouragement.
Then Edward looked at me, his green eyes brimming with tears. I wiped my
own away, covering my hand with my mouth to hold back the sob that was
stuck in my throat.
"Call me when you land," I whispered. Edward nodded wiping a tear off his
cheek. We stood there staring at each other for a few minutes not knowing
what to do.
But then Edward shook his had and said, "Fuck this, I'm in trouble anyway."
Then his hands were cupping my face, pulling me to him as our mouths
collided in a kiss that rocked me to the core. When his lips met mine there
was fear and passion and so much love all rolled into one kiss…I would
never forget it as long as I lived. His hands were gripping the back of my
head so fiercely that it hurt, but I couldn't pull away. He was so scared and
this was all I could do to keep him comforted.
We made out on his driveway for a good three minutes or so until Carlisle
cleared his throat apologetically, forcing us to break us apart. He held my
hand in his, rubbing circles into my knuckles, not able to tear himself away
just yet. Edward kissed me again and again, small chaste kisses, stalling…so
scared to get into that car and drive away, so scared of not knowing if he was
coming home to me. None of us would admit it aloud, but we all feared the
same thing.
I whispered, "I love you so much," and he pressed his forehead to mine and
he whispered it back with such intensity it broke me. And then with one final
press of his lips to mine, he moved slowly away, giving his mother a solid
hug as I watched in tears. She whispered for him to remember to part his
hair neatly to the side and be respectful and not curse at all while he was in
court. They exchanged, "I love you's," and then once the door was closed to
the car, Carlisle drove down the driveway slowly giving us a sad wave. I will
never, for as long as I live forget the destroyed look in Edward's eyes as he
drove away.
Esme came to my side pulling me into a hug while we both cried the tears
we didn't want Edward to see because we needed him to know that we had
faith. We had to believe that he would come home to us, that there was a
rainbow at the end of this horrific storm he was going through.
Little did any of us know the extent of just how much Edward's life was
actually about to change.
~%~

I know, I know the drama. I tried to give an all fluffy chapter but I just
couldn't do it.
The next chapter will be pretty intense and angsty as it is in EPOV and
he will be meeting with Charlotte face to face.
Also, I have two more outtakes coming up. One is from New Year's Eve
and it's a touch smutty. The other is a scene from before the storyline
changed, and it's kind of violent but I like it.

RECS:
An Introduction to Swirl and Daisy by M81170: It's Edward and Bella
as thirteen year olds and the cutest thing ever. I am probably the last
person on the frigging planet reading this though.
Up to Scratch by Vican: Very, very funny E&B story which originally
started as a oneshot and is now multi chaptered fluffy awesomeness.
Decoy by 107YearOldVirgin: This is Twilght and Cant Buy Me Love
smashed into one. Teenage angst that is soooo good I couldn't put it
down.
With Teeth by Talula Blue: This is the story of budding relationship
between a very independent, normal, fun Bella and a recovering drug
addict/ alcoholic Edward. It is written just so beautifully, and honestly?
It is frigging amazing, I mean, it owns me right now. She's only on
Twilighted though.

****HA has also been nominated in four categories in the Faithfull

Shipper Awards. Go vote for your favorite stories here: ****
http: //thefaithfulshipperawards . webs . com/listofnominatedfics . htm
Xoxox EBT

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines,
backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to
EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is
permitted without express written authorization. ©2009 /2010
EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.
As always, thank you to everyone who is still reading even though my
cliff hangers give you serious anxiety. Thank you to whomever
nominated HA for a Silent Tear award for best Break Up. I am so
honored. The link is here if you wish to vote, if not, it's a great place to
get new stories.
http : //silent-tear-awards . webs . com/vote . htm
Thank you to Erika who makes my words pretty, to Mel who literally
gave me the words of her expertise, (you have no idea how much I
appreciate that, you are my legal hero) and to Suzy who brings all the
words to life. You make HA sparkle like a big shiny peen.
I just want to reiterate once again that the legal matters in this story are
incorrect and unconstitutional according to US law. Though the stuff in
this chapter is pretty accurate, for the most part I have taken liberties to
keep the storyline as I see it. I mean, no one gets upset when SM writes
about fangless, sparkling vegetarian vampires, so I thought you
wouldn't mind if I tweaked the law a bit.
~High Anxiety~
Chapter 37~ Faith
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
Hurt~ Nine Inch Nails
~Edward~
I suppose I should have been angry. I had every right to be, of course. I
mean, who wouldn't be pissed?
I probably should have punched the fucking wall or thrown something
valuable, or at least done something completely reckless in light of the
situation. I had fucking had it with this bullshit; and I was so goddamn tired
of getting the crap kicked out of me being used as Charlotte's punching bag.
But I couldn't see the point in getting mad. I don't know if it was the meds,
or what, but I was resigned to take whatever it was like a man and deal with
the consequences as such. I didn't really see that I had another choice.
I really hated being mature.
The drive to Sea-Tac was fucking long. I slept for only one out of the three
and a half hour trip, the long stretch of highway just about barren at the early
morning hour. About halfway there, I found the soft hum of the engine and
the vast green foliage blurring past soothing, forcing my tired eyes closed
regardless of how keyed up I was.
I thought about Bella and the kiss on my driveway, which put a momentary
smile on my lips. I could still smell the residuals of her perfume on my
hands and shirt. My sweet girl had shed an inordinate amount of tears for me
and I was done allowing her to feel pity for me any longer. God, I fucking
loved her.
It seemed that the very last pin in the Edward Cullen Voodoo doll had been
pushed into the heart and there was nothing I could do but accept my fate.
Was this defeat or resignation? I couldn't be sure. I wasn't even certain if I
could distinguish the difference between the two.
I threw up twice on the plane—once because I was a nervous fucking wreck
and the other because of that combined with severe turbulence, which I
needed like a fucking hole in my head.
My father had been trying to keep me calm and positive by using carefully
chosen words which only denoted a positive connotation. It was a tactic that
he utilized when he had to give an unfortunate prognosis to a patient. I think
he learned the method just through the years in his practice, finding that it
was more helpful to the demeanor of the patient to add fluff around the issue
than to highlight the negativity. I recognized what he was doing, and as
much as I appreciated it, I didn't know if it was strictly for me or if it was a
little for him too.
The best possible scenario was never discussed. There had been discussion
of the restraining order being modified minutely, but it really didn't seem as
though there were any available options of the order left to revise. We spoke
about the worst that could happen, house arrest, and jail time of course, but
the fact that Charlotte may have actually come to her senses was never
mentioned.
The flight attendant handed me a Coke and I swear she jutted out her chest
toward my father in a flirtatious offering. He appeared impervious.
My fingers followed the leather cord, eventually leading to the rings beneath
my shirt. With my thumb and forefinger, I rubbed the two pieces of
conjoined metal together, making a tiny clicking sound.
"Dad, do you think I'm being naïve to think that maybe the restraining order
will just be tweaked a bit and there won't be punishment resulting from it?
I'm so scared of what's going to happen to me, but maybe nothing will
happen, right?"
He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off abruptly with my nervous
banter. "Or…maybe…she's finally coming clean? I mean, no one's even
entertained the idea that this could actually have a positive outcome. Maybe
what Bella said actually got to her and maybe she's feeling guilty? Do you
think it's at all possible?"
He looked at me with a small smile. "Mom and I were discussing that
likelihood last night. That's obviously what we're hoping and praying for,
Edward. But to be very honest, Charlotte coming clean wasn't an option we
wanted to address, because neither of us wanted to get your hopes up. The
let down would be devastating for you. I'm sorry. But yes, it is certainly a
possibility that you won't receive further punishment or tighter restrictions
and I don't think we should rule that out. I think at this stage of the game, it
wouldn't hurt if we…well, if you especially, had some faith."
I nodded in response as a small amount of relief coursed through me, his
fatherly assurances briefly soothed my frayed nerves while I considered how
he and my mother had tried to protect me, even in my final hour. In relief of
his confirmation of the possible outcomes, I nodded, understanding my
parents wanting to protect me, as it was all they could do now. But the word
faith sort of jarred me a little; and I found myself wanting to believe the best,
but because of all of the letdowns I had experienced, having faith in
anything these days was setting me up for yet another huge disappointment.
I almost thought if I was audacious enough to actually have a little faith, it
would laugh in my fucking face before it spit on my shoes and then took a
giant dump on my dashboard.
If Karma was a bitch…then Faith was one big, huge, stinky bastard.
"But how can I, Dad? I mean, with all of the things that keep constantly
coming at me…what's the point, really?"
My father chuckled softly. "How much could a little positivity hurt, Edward?
You have your innocence and you've maintained it all along. The only thing
you can do now is believe that things turn out okay."
There was no way I could be certain if he was full of shit or not, but I took
his sentiment with a grain of salt, wanting to believe, but not really knowing
how to do that.
With the layover, we didn't land in Chicago until around six at night, and by
the time we got our luggage and met my grandparents at the baggage claim
all I wanted to do was sleep so I get this the fuck over with already. But that
wasn't going to happen, because Jason would be on his way over to prepare
statements or whatever the fuck legal crap he had to do.
The air in the car toward my grandparents' house was so thick with tension it
made my chest hurt. It wasn't until my Grandmother turned around in her
seat and asked in her sweet voice, "So how are things with you and Bella?"
that I realized I had forgotten to call her when we landed. My mind was a
million miles away, lost in thought, swarming with the unknown and the fear
of an outcome I could not envisage. For me, as a person with meticulous
habits and need for routine, structure and predictability, this could
potentially rip me apart.
It would have been so damn easy to pop a few Xanax and sleep it away, but
knowing it would still be there in the morning loud and clear made the ache
worse.
And I was determined that I going to get through this like a fucking man, not
a sniveling little boy. A year and a half ago, Eddie Masen cried like a baby at
the hearing. However, tomorrow, Edward Cullen would not shed one
fucking tear because of that girl.
I sent Bella a quick text telling her we had landed safely, that I loved her and
I would call before bed.
Jason was sitting inside his gunmetal gray Mercedes in my grandparents'
driveway waiting for us to arrive. He stepped out, first offering me his hand,
and then made the same gesture toward my father and grandfather, before he
was ushered inside. My grandmother offered us drinks, and then she and
gramps disappeared, giving us privacy.
We sat at the large dining room table, where Jason informed us that he had
been in contact with Charlotte's attorneys but they were completely
uncooperative, refusing to offer any information regarding the case. Jason
made threats to take them to court for sanctions of not divulging the
information, but they still wouldn't budge. Technically he had no standing to
threaten sanctions, since Charlotte's council was not violating any orders by
not providing the information, but he thought it was worth a try. He also
mentioned that because the case involved a supposed sexual assault as well
as a No Contact Order, plaintiffs were given more latitude to be vague,
whatever the fuck that meant. None of this surprised me really, because as
far as I was concerned the Illinois Justice System was run by completely
corrupt motherfuckers.
He ran a hand through the side of his dark hair, all of my previous court
documents spread out on the table before him. "So Edward, basically since
we're going in there blind, I need you to tell me everything and anything that
you have done since December, which would give her ammunition against
you. I need you to tell me the whole truth and don't leave anything out,
because we don't know what they will come up with and I don't want to be
blindsided." With an extra pointed glance toward my father and then directly
at me, he continued, "If you are caught in a lie or a lack of disclosure then
you are going to discredit yourself and that's much harder to overcome than
the truth. No one wants to be labeled as a liar."
With an unaffected expression, my father handed Jason an envelope, which
contained the illicit photos of Bella and I kissing, and the ones of me
purchasing liquor and cigarettes.
One glance at the photos and Jason groaned lightly, shutting his eyes and
rubbing his forehead in frustration. "How…why…Jesus, Edward. Please tell
me these are the only copies?"
I cringed, explaining the whole situation with Charlie's friend, and my
biological father's snooping shrew of a wife, and all the bullshit that went
down on that end. I honestly didn't know if the original pictures had been
destroyed or erased from a hard drive or whatever, but according to Charlie,
they had been taken care of.
"Okay, what else, Edward?"
I sighed, leaning back into the chair giving Jason a pointed glance that
indicated my not wanting to reveal all of this in front of my father.
"Carlisle, I think Edward would prefer some privacy," Jason said.
My father cocked his head to the side, folding his arms over his chest. "Oh,
like hell you're kicking me out of this discussion. If it's all going to come out
in court, I would rather know ahead of time."
I sighed, unyielding. My father added, "Edward, I won't hold it against you,
I promise."
It was pointless to hide it from him, so I didn't.
"Okay, well, you see…."
So then I told them everything, just as I had told Dr. Kate. Every single
sordid detail of the weed, the coke, the alcohol, the touching, kissing and
groping, fake ID's (mine and Bella's), the club, the rings, our trip to Vegas,
the wedding, oral sex, and looking in Bella's window and getting caught,
(which was of no real consequence to the situation, but I figured full
disclosure and everything.) The whole time I spoke, Jason jotted down the
details as I rattled them off, occasionally alternating between a groan, a
shake of his head or a disapproving tisking sound.
My father kept shaking his head mumbling, "Oh God," with an occasional,
"Jesus Christ," under his breath, while he sat with his hand covering his
eyes, trying his best not to scold me after each admitted offense. I was doing
my best to recall each and every incident, feeling more and more like shit as
the list grew longer. Eventually when I had exhausted every one of my
possible transgressions, Jason sat back and gave me a rundown of what each
of the things could mean. Needless to say, it did not look good. No matter
which scenario played out, I was fucked without ever actually being fucked.
That was of course, unless Charlotte came to her senses.
I knew all of the things I'd done to violate the restraining order and the law
in general had made my case a great deal more difficult for him, but
honestly? I thought my violations were mild considering how much fucking
restraint I actually had displayed.
I did, however, choose to omit the mutual masturbation stuff and the
sparklepeen, figuring it wasn't anything that anyone could have ever
challenged us on, since there were never any witnesses to it. In addition to
keeping Bella's privacy, I thought it would have been highly disturbing for
my dad to have to face Bella and ever look at her as a respectable girl again
having known what depraved pervy things she did with me, or that I stuck
my dick in goo to make her a sparkly replica of my manhood. I made a
mental note to remember to tell Bella where I had stashed it, just in case I
didn't come home. The last thing I needed was my mom to find it while
cleaning my room. She'd be scarred for life.
Eventually my dad excused himself to get a glass of scotch. I wouldn't have
been surprised if he came back into the room with a nipple attached to the
bottle. From the other room, my father asked Jason if he wanted a glass, to
which Jason replied, "Yes, a double, please."
"I'll take one too," I added, thinking it was worth a shot.
The response was, "Like hell you will", but my father returned with three
glasses, despite his better judgment. Two of the glasses were filled to the
brim and the other, mine, held maybe a shot's worth of liquor in it.
Jason held up his glass and said, "To the best possible outcome."
As I clinked my glass with theirs, my father added, "To having some faith." I
repeated the sentiment, throwing back the entire contents of the glass loving
and hating the burn in my throat and the warmth that radiated through my
chest.
After dinner, which I had absolutely no appetite for but forced a meager
amount down at my father's insistence, I took a quick shower and headed
into the guest room. As I pressed Bella's speed dial, I curled into a ball under
the covers, waiting anxiously for her to answer.
The sound of her sweet voice, brought relief and with it, tears to my eyes,
which I swiped away quickly, not wanting her to know I was emotional. I
shouldn't have been feeling sorry for myself; I just couldn't help feeling
sorry for Bella—for putting her through yet another one of my shitstorms.
"Hi Baby. How are you doing?" she asked softly, not masking the concern in
her voice.
I swallowed, inhaling and then exhaling a long, shaking breath. The sound of
her voice wrapped me in the comfort and solace I had desperately been
seeking all day. I relaxed into the bed whispering, "I miss you."
"I miss you too...so much." I could hear the change in her voice as she began
to tear up. She cleared her throat before speaking again, not allowing me to
avoid her question again. "How are you holding up?"
"I've been better, but…I'm okay, you know? I think…no matter what, I have
to get through this, whatever the fuck it is, deal with it and accept the
consequences."
"I'm so proud of how far you've come. You're so strong, Edward."
"Yeah, well, I don't have much of a choice. And if I get a sentence...then it's
going to make me stronger or fucking break me, so I rather be resilient then
fall the fuck apart. But…I can take whatever I am going to get. I…just…I'm
so fucking tired of this girl having all this control over my fucking life. I just
want to know when it's going to end."
I sighed heavily blowing air noisily through my lips. I had wanted to say this
to her the night before, but I didn't want to scare her or make her cry
anymore than she already had been. "Beautiful, listen…if for whatever
reason I don't come home, I want you to go to the prom and I want you to
—"
"Shut up, Edward, just shut up! Don't you dare do that to me. Don't tell me
to go on while you're locked up, because it will never happen. I will wait for
you for as long as it takes, do you hear me? Don't ever say that shit again!"
My mouth opened and closed, but instead of speaking, I shut my eyes and
shrunk back into my pillows, wishing she was there with me. I didn't have
the strength to argue with her, so I just whispered, "I love you."
When her breathing returned to normal and she seemed calmer, she asked,
"Did you find my present yet?
"No, what present?"
"Go look in the top zippered pocket of your suitcase."
I rose off the bed, crouching to open the case. I smiled as soon as the lacy
edge of her pillowcase came into view. Immediately, I brought it to my face,
taking a long whiff and brushing the soft fabric along my cheek. Home.
"Fuck, I miss you. Thank you for this."
"So, are you driving your racecar bed right now?"
It was the first time I had laughed in two days. "Bella, I don't actually drive
it, you know, I'm not five. I'm in the guest room." I shrugged, clambering
back onto the bed and under the covers again. "It's where you slept when
you were here. I feel like I'm closer to you in this room."
And that made her cry again. She said she was premenstrual, but if I was
remembering correctly, she had just had it so I knew she was downplaying
her emotions, trying stay strong… or hide her emotions from me.
We talked for hours that night, Bella's voice and her sweet laughter keeping
my head occupied and my thoughts temporarily focused off the hearing. We
tried to keep things light, because neither of us wanted to broach the topic
again, both of us too afraid to say goodnight or really, goodbye. It was about
three in the morning Chicago time when we both settled down, allowing
sleep to consume us, still with our cells cradled to our ears.
I woke up a few short hours later confused as hell, taking a moment to
remember where I was and why…as if I could ever really forget. My phone
had been placed on the center of the nightstand. I couldn't remember saying
goodnight to Bella, so I assumed whoever came in to check on me ended the
call and moved it. After I showered, I began to dress in my designer suit,
which I now fucking hated and would never wear again. I made a promise to
myself to donate the thing to charity as soon as I could, not ever wanting to
be reminded of this day.
My grandmother knocked softly, asking if I had found my phone, then urged
me to come to breakfast. She didn't push when I told her I couldn't eat. Her
soft pink suit made her gray hair look startlingly silver, but she was still so
beautiful, proving that the Cullen's had some good fucking genes, the lucky
bastards. She hugged me hard and tight, standing on her tip toes to kiss me
twice on the forehead before she left without words. I missed my mom.
My mom called as we were leaving the house. She was a fucking mess and
kept apologizing that she couldn't be there. I assured her that I understood
why and that it was alright. As much as I would have liked her physical
support, I didn't think she could have handled it if she had to watch me
sentenced to jail or juvie or whatever that bitch had in store for me. I
promised not to curse and I told her that my hair was parted to the side like a
good boy. I reassured her that I would be okay, because I knew somehow, I
would regardless of the outcome.
It was a thinly veiled attempt at having some faith.
Emmett and Jasper each got on the phone, wishing me good luck or
whatever. Em got completely weepy telling me how much he loved me and
shit, and then Jasper pulled the phone out of his hand to tell me that I could
have the Porsche for Prom, because I deserved it and because he was sure I
would be coming home.
Oddly enough, Jasper was the last person I ever expected to have faith.
When the four of us pulled up to the familiar façade of the courthouse, my
hands were shaking so badly that I had to wedge them between my thighs to
still them. Unfortunately, they were sweaty too, so then my pants were damp
but honestly, I didn't even fucking notice. My throat was so dry I couldn't
swallow and my heart was about to beat the fuck out of my chest.
My father's phone rang. With a heavy sigh he said, "It's Jason. We need to go
in." I nodded absently with a long exhale. Just as we departed the car, I said
a silent prayer to God or Buddha or Santa Claus because I was really fucking
desperate and not in a position to worry about the technicality as to who was
granting wishes on that particular day. I asked whomever was listening to
just give me the strength to get through this in one piece, because really, that
was the very least I could ask for. If someone had been feeling generous at
the moment, well then I may have gotten lucky. I was interrupted when my
phone vibrated.
I love you more than life. Be brave. See you soon. ~B
I smiled at her text, the words of encouragement just enough to get my ass
moving inside to face this. After shutting the ringer off, I gave a pensive nod
and we walked forward in silence.
If the interior of the courthouse had changed at all, I wouldn't have noticed. I
was petrified the last time I had been there and I was equally as scared,
though more prepared now, with a hint of maturity and resolve, and maybe,
just maybe I was armed with the smallest bit of faith.
Jason approached, extending his hand to all four of us with warm greetings.
He put his arm around me, asking how I was doing with a genuineness in his
voice that made me question the validity of all those malicious lawyer jokes.
I was honest in telling him that I was scared, but just wanted to get this over
with. He informed us that Charlotte and her legal team were already waiting
in the courtroom.
Jason motioned for my father and me to come close to him. "So here's what
I've been able to find out. I did some research late last night after I left your
house." I swallowed hard, trying to desperately dispel the nausea that was
churning in my stomach. "Charlotte was admitted to Pembroke Pines in
February."
"The loony bin? Shit…" I said quietly, hushing my voice in disbelief. It was
a known fact in Chicago that anyone who was admitted to or spent any
reasonable amount of time at Pembroke Pines was a certifiable nut.
"Psychiatric hospital," my father corrected with a pointed glance.
"Apparently, she's made two suicide attempts in six months. Unfortunately
for her, this is good for us. It questions her metal stability as well as
discredits her testimony as being reliable."
Charlotte had tried to commit suicide? Twice? Holy fucking shit.
The court bailiff held open the door for us while we filed inside the large
courtroom. Jason explained beforehand that ours was the only case on the
docket that morning. And because of the nature of the case and the fact that
we were minors, it was done to prevent the likelihood that someone could
come into the court room during the hearing. The last thing I needed was a
room full of my old classmates and their scrutinizing stares.
The room was empty except for the court reporter on one side, the clerk on
the other and Charlotte's two attorneys and her parents. I was expecting and
obviously dreading seeing Peter there, but he was absent. Idly, I wondered if
he hadn't been allowed to come in, or if he wasn't invited.
And of course, there was Charlotte.
I gasped aloud when I saw her. I honestly wouldn't have recognized her if I
hadn't known in advance that it was in fact her. Charlotte had always been a
very pretty girl; creamy skin, flawless features, natural shiny, blonde hair
that swung around her shoulders. Typical, properly bred rich girl.
Now, here she was sitting in the courtroom with her head bowed and her
hands wringing nervously in her lap, not even a trace of her former self.
Under the harsh fluorescent lights, the pallor of her skin was tinged an odd
shade of gray, as though she were battling some debilitating disease eating
away at her insides. Her fine hair had been pulled back in a ratty ponytail;
not a trace of makeup on her face. The pink blouse she was wearing hung off
her shoulders, obviously much too large for her now diminutive frame.
I was absolutely stunned by the significant amount of weight she had lost.
Since I had known her, even when we were kids, she had always been self-
conscious about her weight. Her mom was always encouraging her to try the
newest diet fad in order to fit in with the skinny girls that seemed to be a
prevalent physical attribute in our social circle. However, it was clear that
Charlotte was never meant to be a thin girl because skinny was simply not
attractive on her. She looked sick.
Well honestly, without being intentionally mean…she looked fucking gross.
The fucked up thing is that I was sort of hoping to see some visible bruises
on her, which would mean that Peter hit her again and consequently, she was
forced to blame him, which would in effect prove my innocence. What kind
of fucked up thing is that to wish someone to get beaten in order to provide
your own freedom? The irony was that just a little over a year and a half ago
I had beat the shit out of him for hurting her and now…I was hoping for it.
As we sat in our respective seats, with my grandparents directly behind us,
the attorneys from Charlotte's team nodded and greeted us quietly. Her
parents made brief eye contact with me, before quickly looking away
seemingly unfazed by my presence. I couldn't tear my eyes away from
Charlotte.
"Dad, doesn't she look sick to you?" I whispered as I leaned close to him.
"Yes. She doesn't look well at all. I suppose that's a good thing," he replied
in a returned whisper. "The boyfriend's not here," he added with a nod of his
head in her direction.
While Jason stacked his paperwork and notes in an orderly fashion on the
table, the door to the back of the chambers opened and a bailiff emerged. My
stomach rolled at the sight of him, signaling the start of the proceedings.
He said, "All rise, court is now in session the Honorable Judge Aro
presiding."
As we stood with obligatory respect, my father mumbled, "Honorable my
ass." I would have snickered in agreement, only I was too nervous.
My hands clenched into fists involuntarily at my side as Judge Aro donning
his long black judge robe emerged, taking his seat at the bench.
With an audible sigh, he said casually, "Please be seated. So counselors
what case are we here on today?" He seemed almost bored by the fact that
he had to be there, as though this were taking up way too much of his
precious time.
Prick bastard.
One of Charlotte's attorneys stood. "We are here on the case of Harris v.
Edward Anthony Cullen, formally known as Edward Anthony Masen." I
cringed upon hearing my old name spoken aloud. He apparently recognized
the name as well, raising an eyebrow at the mention and then staring straight
at me in acknowledgement. I started back cold and hard.
Gimme whatever you got motherfucker.
He looked away quickly, then once again, with a condescending tone to his
voice, Aro asked, "So why are we here on this case today?"
"We are here on Petitioner's motion to modify the terms of the restraining
order. New information has come to light that we feel the court should know
and we think it is in the best interest of justice to modify it."
I exhaled.
Fuck, here we go.
"Alright. Where is Ms. Harris?" Judge Aro asked passively.
Charlotte stood. God, she looked like shit. "Here your Honor." Her voice
was so small, we could barely hear her.
Judge Aro replied, "You may approach the bench." Charlotte rose from her
seat, standing next to the witness chair. "I am assuming that you want this on
the record?" Aro asked in the direction of her attorneys.
They both replied, "Yes your honor."
The Court Reporter, who looked like she was older than fucking dirt, stood
and faced Charlotte. "Please raise your right hand." Charlotte raised her right
hand while placing her left tentatively on the bible. I'd always wondered
why that was done, because if you were Agnostic or Atheist or whatever,
how would that even count? "Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you
are about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so
help you God?"
"Yes."
Yeah, bull fucking shit, I've heard that before.
Charlotte sat as directed, keeping her head bowed. Her attorney approached
the bench "Ms. Harris, we are here today about the restraining order you
have against Mr. Cullen?"
"Yes." It was a whisper.
"You have a restraining order against Mr. Cullen because you alleged that he
raped you?"
"Yes." Barely audible that time.
"However, you now have some new information you would like to share
with the court about this situation?"
"Yes." Her mouth moved but nothing perceptible came out. She was asked to
repeat it.
"Please tell the court what that information is."
Oh God….
I had been gripping my father's forearm and didn't even notice until he
hissed, "Ow."
Charlotte's eyes met mine for about two seconds. Instinctively, I narrowed
my own eyes at her with my jaw clenched, daring her.
Lie again, bitch. I swear to fucking God….
Her mouth contorted and she clapped her hand over her mouth to hush a
choked sob. "Um…."
She was given a box of tissues, as we all waited with baited breath for her to
regain composure.
With her eyes closed she whispered, "Eddie…didn't rape me." Even from the
distance of my seat from the witness stand, I could see the tears streaming
down her cheeks.
Hallefuckinglujah!
Behind us, my grandparents gasped. Across the room, Charlotte's mom let
out a sob which mirrored her daughter's. An overwhelming amount of relief
washed over me and I felt like the weight of all of my burdens had been
lifted with those four simple yet so undeniably complex words. With my
own eyes closed, I looked up to the ceiling, in a brief but genuine thank you
to whomever it was that had finally answered my many, many prayers. And
Bella's too.
Thank you.
Fucking thank you from the bottom of my heart.
"Would you please elaborate on that statement, Miss Harris?"
She sighed, wiping her eyes with a tissue and spoke softly. "Should I start
from the beginning? Um, well, the night everything happened, was the same
night the All Stars won the championship. Eddie had been…flirting with me
earlier that day…or so I thought," she added quietly.
I whispered, "I did not flirt with her."
Fuck…did I? Is that what she's thought all this time?
"He was so happy that they won, I guess, and I mistook his excitement for…
something else. I…followed him upstairs that night because I wanted to
make sure he was okay. I knew he was really wrecked, I mean he could
barely stand, and I thought…." She sobbed again, shaking her head. "He was
being so sweet to me. He was always sweet, but I guess because I…wanted
to be with him so much, I was grasping at straws or whatever."
Charlotte kept wiping her nose, occasionally blowing it noisily. She only
looked at her attorney, never at me. It was as though I wasn't even in the
room with her. As her sleeve rode up, I could see thick white bandages
around her wrists.
Did she try to slit them? Was she cutting herself? Fuck….
"What happened after you went upstairs?"
"I…I was…with him, you know…and he seemed to be enjoying it too
except then he said 'no,' he didn't want to do this and…I just wanted to…."
She covered her face in her hands. "God, I just wanted him to feel the same
way about me, but I was so hurt and embarrassed that even when I was
naked and giving him all of me with no strings attached, he was barely
conscious…and he knew even in that state that he didn't want to be with me.
So I got dressed and I left. My heart was so…broken." She shut her eyes as
streams of tears poured down her cheeks. Up until that point, I honestly
couldn't distinguish if her dramatics were a ploy to gain sympathy from the
judge or me, or whoever. But this…this, without a doubt, was genuine.
I knew she liked me back then, but I had no idea that her feelings were so
intense. How much more oblivious could I have been. She had been with
Peter for like, two years or something so I just assumed it was a crush.
"Peter, my boyfriend…or my ex rather—we had broken up only the day
before—had been looking for me."
"What prompted the break up between you and Peter?"
Jason leaned over whispering, "She's been well coached. This line of
questioning has been entirely rehearsed. However, the tears seem
legitimate." He scowled, shaking his head.
"Peter was physically and emotionally abusive. At that point, I had had
enough of his crap. I just wanted out, but my parents thought he was the best
thing that ever happened to me and I knew if I ended it with him they would
be disappointed. He put on this act for everyone that he was so perfect, but
he was just horrible to me."
The attorney said, "But you did end it." Charlotte nodded, answering, "Yes."
"What happened after you left the bedroom?"
"As I was walking out of the bedroom, Peter was trying to get inside to see
what I was doing and…he shoved me aside, but I was able to reach around
and lock the door because I knew that if Peter knew Eddie was in there he
would kill him. He's always been resentful and jealous of Eddie especially
since he had made the All Stars team and Peter didn't. But he knew
anyway…I don't know how he knew I was with Eddie, but he did. And he
said, 'You smell like him. Did you really think he would want a fat cow like
you? You're fucking useless and ugly and no one wants you.'"
As she sobbed, I covered my mouth with my hand to disguise my horror. I
never knew he was that cruel to her. I mean, I knew he was rough with her,
but any time we tried to talk to her about it , she would close herself off. I
never knew he was that horrible to her , and maybe it was fucked up, but I
was feeling overwhelmingly guilty for not paying enough attention to notice
how bad it truly was for her. I could have done something to stop him…I
fucking should have paid more attention to her. And where the fuck were her
parents when all this was going on? Didn't they notice?
"He threatened to break both of Eddie's arms if I didn't take him back. You
don't know Peter. He…I think he has like mental problems and serious anger
issues. He can be very intense and scary. So I said I would take him back
just out of fear, and that night he beat the shit out of me for having sex with
Eddie. I basically took his beating for him. The next day, he had me so
scared for both Eddie's and my own safety that I was willing to do whatever
he asked. He told me to say that Eddie raped me and…I did."
Then, her eyes met mine, crystal blue pleading with me silently for
forgiveness. She was speaking directly to me then. "Honest to God, I had no
idea it would ever get that bad. I thought it would blow over and I thought
that even if it ever became anything, your family had money…they could
hire lawyers to prove your innocence or something. I never expected this to
happen. I never thought it would ruin your life."
I looked away. Her attorney told her not to speak directly to me.
"Peter was being sweet to me, and my parents were finally proud that I stood
up for myself and…they seemed to be paying more attention to me, you
know? When I realized that the whole thing had gotten bad, I was so far in
that I couldn't take it back. I was trying to help him…not hurt him…I never
wanted to hurt Eddie...ever." Her voice trailed off despondently. There was
along pause.
Aro cleared his throat after a minute or so and addressed her in irritation,
"Miss Harris?"
She was a million miles away somewhere. When she snapped out of her
reverie, she responded as though she never had stopped speaking. "He didn't
come back to school. We didn't know what was going on really. But then the
whole family moved out of state a few months later and no one had heard
from them again. I thought he was okay…I guess I was stupid to think that
he was okay wherever he was, but I just wanted this to go away…for him
and for me.
"I thought once he was gone that it would all be erased, that everything
would go back to normal for him but…then he came back to Chicago at
Christmas, and it was all anyone was talking about for days. One night, we
found out through the grapevine that they were all at the bowling alley we
hung out at. Peter was ready to kill him. It was as if he had convinced
himself that Eddie really did do this to me and Peter was completely
innocent. I went there to warn him, not to cause him further harm but as
soon as he saw me he ran.
"Peter told me, 'See Charlotte? Look at the girl he was with…. That's the
kind of girl he likes...she's fucking perfect. Not like you. As if you ever had a
shot with him.'" She mimicked his voice, laced with venom and hatred for
him.
It made me sick to hear what he did to her. I hoped he was rotting
somewhere, miserable as fuck.
"And then a few days later, his girlfriend came to see me at work."
My ears perked up at the mention of Bella. I had never asked her what was
said when she went to see Charlotte, I was too consumed by everything else.
"Can you tell the court about that visit?"
"I was at work when this girl came in and she…she said she was Eddie's
girlfriend. I had caught a quick glimpse of her at the bowling alley and so I
recognized her. She was so pretty and…She was crying and she told me…."
Charlotte coughed back a sob before shaking her head to continue. "She said
Eddie was not doing well. That this whole thing was making him crazy and
depressed, and he was on medication, and he had stopped playing
baseball…." I palmed a hand over my eyes in embarrassment. I hated that
everyone in that courtroom knew that she had gotten the better of me,
especially Aro. "I didn't know…I didn't know…." she said, again trailing off.
"Miss Harris, do you need a break?"
She shook her head no. "After that I wanted to come forward, knowing that
Eddie was still suffering, but when Peter found out, he was furious. He
threatened to kill me if I told anyone. He told me that no one would ever
believe me because I was a liar and a whore. No one would ever love me
because I was fat and useless and ugly. I couldn't live with the lies, knowing
that Eddie was in so much pain."
"Miss Harris, is it true that you were admitted to Pembroke Pines Psychiatric
Facility in February of this year?" The lawyer asked calmly, obviously
another rehearsed line of questioning.
She shook her head whispering, "Yes."
"Can you tell the court why you were admitted into Pembroke Pines
Psychiatric Facility?"
She looked down, obvious shame crossing her features. She responded
quietly, "My parents think it's the best place for me right now. I can't hurt
myself there."
"Were you admitted into Pembroke Pines Psychiatric Facility because you
attempted to take your own life?"
She shook her head and said softly, "Yes."
"What treatment do they provide you at that facility?"
"I get a lot of counseling and therapy, and they make me write a lot...in a
journal. It's not a bad place. It's better than school though." She sounded so
disconnected. "They encouraged me to come forward. They said it would
help me heal and I can't take back what I said before, but I can fix it. I just
want to make this right. I want Eddie to have his life back."
My heart was thumping so loudly that I could barely hear another word
spoken in the courtroom. I didn't realize my hands were shaking again until
my dad wrapped his fingers around my forearm with a gentle squeeze, trying
to still the vibrating movements. He smirked at me. Jason was smiling but he
kept his gaze straightforward.
With a gentle voice, her attorney addressed her softly. "So Ms. Harris, are
you acknowledging that you did not provide completely accurate testimony
at the last hearing?"
She nodded meekly. "Yes, I am." She wiped tears off her cheeks with a
crumpled tissue. Her eyes met mine again. "I'm so sorry."
"Ms. Harris, you are telling the court, contrary to your previous testimony,
that Mr. Cullen did not rape you?"
Charlotte replied, "Yes, he did not rape me."
"Did you tell the court that he raped you because you were afraid that your
boyfriend, at the time, Peter, would harm Mr. Cullen or yourself if you
admitted that you had sexual relations that evening?"
"Yes, I was so afraid that he would hurt Eddie, and I just wanted to protect
him from harm. I loved him. I've always loved him."
I almost threw up hearing those words spoken aloud. Those were Bella's
words.
Though this was terribly painful to witness, it broke my heart that I never
knew the extent of her feelings. Not that I had ever felt any reciprocation of
her affection in that way, but maybe it wouldn't have come to this if I had
just acknowledged them.
"So what are you asking the court to do about the Civil No Contact Order?"
"I want you to take the restraining order away." She looked at me then with
almost a smile on her face. Redemption.
Oh my fucking God…thank you.
"You want the court to file an order vacating the terms of the restraining
order against Mr. Cullen?"
"Yes, sir."
"I have no further questions." The attorney returned to his seat. In my own
seat, I was bouncing internally like a five year old jacked up on pixie stix. I
wondered idly if I could text blindly with the phone in my pocket, or if
under the circumstances it would be inappropriate to whip it out and just
make a call to Bella right there and then.
Judge Aro leaned forward in his chair, causally resting his hands under his
chin. "Counselor do you have any questions of the witness?"
"No, your Honor."
"So can both parties agree that they want the restraining order lifted?"
"Yes, your Honor," both sides answered in unison. I wanted to pump my fist
in the air but I kept myself appropriately restrained.
Judge Aro said nonchalantly, "Well then draw up an order to that effect and I
will sign it." Attorneys moved about the room in hushed tones while I sat
there stunned and overwhelmed, itching to tell Bella the news. Actually, I
was itching to get home so I could fucking kiss her right and proper, and
maybe even cop a feel in public. My father hugged me to him tightly.
The attorney's wrote out an order form saying that the restraining order had
been vacated and was no longer in effect. Once Judge Aro signed the order
the attorneys thanked him before returning to their seats. They fucking
thanked him. I shook my head at the irony of thanking a man who put this
bullshit into effect in the first place.
"You'll need to show this to your school." Jason handed me a copy of the
document that gave me my freedom and I cradled it to my chest like my first
born child. I would probably frame that shit and hang it over my bed so that
every time I held Bella in my arms, as we basked in the glow of our post
coital bliss, I could look at it and be reminded of how fucking sweet freedom
really was.
My father leaned over in front of me to confer with Jason. "What happens to
her now?"
Shit, what would happen to her now?
Why the fuck do I care?
Jason responded in a whisper, "Well, the State's attorney could open a
criminal case against her for perjury for lying under oath at the last hearing.
However, given the abusive nature of her relationship with Peter at the time
of the incident, plus her suicide attempt, it's probably unlikely. It would look
like the prosecutor was victimizing her again. Therefore, they are unlikely to
pursue those charges. They could also charge her with filing a false police
report. She might have to pay a fine or do some community service along
with being put on probation. However she is unlikely to spend a day in jail
regardless of what the prosecution decides to do."
"So…right now, she just goes free? After she put Edward through hell?
There's nothing that we can do? What about Peter? Nothing happens to
him?" my father was beside himself.
"The prosecution would decide to charge Peter with assault and battery for
beating up Charlotte. She would have to go to them and present her case.
Then they would have to decide if it's worth it. It is possible they could
charge him with conspiracy for having Charlotte lie but again that would
require the prosecution to decide to press these charges if there is enough
evidence. Both of these would have to rely on Charlotte's credibility which
is about nil at this point. We could also try to sue her for slander but…."
As my dad and Jason quietly discussed the various ways to gain vengeance
against Charlotte, my head swam with thoughts of what this meant. My life
would return to normal and I wouldn't have to fucking watch every move I
made around my girlfriend. We could quit constantly looking over our
shoulders. I could be with her in every sense of the word, and love her the
right way, the way she and I both deserved. Everything would eventually be
fine for me.
I would stop therapy and drug counseling and my truancy officer visits
would come to an abrupt end. Maybe I would even get to a point where I
would be able to come off the antidepressants. But Charlotte had to live with
this forever. She had to be reminded of what she did every single day by the
scars marring her skin and the guilt that would haunt her dreams forever.
The fact was that I could easily pursue a punishment for Charlotte, in an
attempt at vindication or retribution just to even the score. But it seemed to
me, looking at that broken mess of a girl, with the bandages on her arms and
her sickly appearance that she was suffering in her own way. She probably
always would in some form. The thing was that she had finally confessed. I
mean, it took a year and a half, but she didn't have to do this. She didn't have
to put herself on the stand and tell everyone she lied and tried to kill herself.
She could have let the sentence ride out another year and no one would have
known the real truth but me.
And to be honest, I was afraid to think what would have happened between
Peter and I had this not happened. Who knew if he would have broken both
my arms or worse? Who knew if Charlotte's punishment from him wouldn't
have killed her?
As much as I hated her for ruining my life, I wasn't so jaded that I couldn't
see that this ruined her life as well. And that in her mind, mostly, she did this
to protect me because she cared about me. Only now, I got to go live and she
was stuck in her own personal hell. The bottom line was this…all of this, all
of my suffering and everything I went through had ultimately led me to
Bella. Without any of this occurring, I would never have met her, so in
actuality, I had Charlotte to thank.
God that's fucked up on so many levels it isn't funny.
I cut in before any more could be spoken.
"I'm done, Dad. She's not free. She's going back to a psych hospital." I shook
my head at the thought. Regardless of what she did to me, I still felt
compassion toward her, for some unknown reason. "She's obviously
suffering and I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to think
about any of it, just want to put this behind me and move on with my life. I
never want to see the inside of a courtroom again."
They both regarded me with shocked wide eyes. "You're sure, Edward?"
"Positive. I don't ever want to come back to Chicago except to visit Gran and
Gramps."
We rose when the bailiff requested. "The court has ended session." Without
further acknowledgement, Judge Aro disappeared behind the door into his
chambers as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, and this was just a
routine fucking part of his monotonous day.
"Now him, on the other hand," I said, nodding to the door with my teeth
gritted. "I'd like to see him fucking hung by his balls."
"You're not the only one."
In a rush, Charlotte was ushered out by her parents, her head hung, still
crying silent tears. She took one remorseful glance at me. I had this strange
urge to wave goodbye to her, but I just stared instead. I wished her no
malevolence and I hoped she knew that.
Her attorney approached Jason, handing him a letter sized envelope
addressed to me in Charlotte's handwriting. In the right hand corner was an
address stamp from Pembroke Pines in blue printed ink. I took it from him
warily, knowing it was most likely an apology letter. I was torn as to whether
I really wanted to know what she had to say, but if it made her feel better
then I understood why she had to write it. It was the same reason I wrote in
the journal; for catharsis.
If she needed to make apologies to me to help herself heal then I should in
all fairness take the time to read it, because maybe it would bring me some
sort of peace or closure to the friendship we once had. I decided to wait until
I was alone to open it.
As we left the courtroom, filtering out into the vast waiting area, I noticed
that Charlotte and her parents were long gone and I was glad to not have to
face her again. The only face I wanted to see was my girl's.
I pulled my phone from my pocket, smiling as I walked over to a quiet
corner of the waiting area. In my periphery, I noticed my dad doing the
same, no doubt calling my mom with the news.
It was a little surreal to dial her number, knowing that in seconds I would
hear her voice on the other end. I figured since it was a little past eleven
thirty that she was in lunch. My whole body was floating with excitement,
hardly able to control myself I wanted to run a marathon or repeatedly pitch
fastballs at a target.
Ha! Where was Peter when I finally needed him?
I had been so exhausted from lack of sleep and the mental anguish of not
knowing what the outcome of the day would be, but I was suddenly bursting
at the seams with energy.
She answered on the first ring. "Edward?"
"Hi Baby," I said with a smile in my voice and joy in my heart. My balls
may have been a bit tingly with excitement too, knowing they were free.
"I'm coming home…."
Needless to say, her squeals were deafening and quite literally the most
beautiful sound I had ever heard.
~%~
My grandmother's arms encircled me as her lips met my forehead. "Edward!
We need to celebrate! What do you say to dinner at The Signature Room?"
she asked brightly, suggesting that we commemorate the occasion at one of
the finest and most expensive restaurants in Chicago. As much as I wanted
to, I really, really needed to be somewhere else.
"Actually," I replied sheepishly. "Would you guys be offended if I just went
straight to the airport? I need to see Bella."
Since my grandparents would be coming in to Forks for Emmett's
graduation the following weekend, I didn't really feel that guilty for wanting
to leave so abruptly. They of course, understood completely, sending me off
with their congratulations.
We swung by the house to grab our things before heading to the airport. My
dad and I were fortunate enough to make a flight out on standby. I couldn't
sleep, though I needed to desperately, but I was way too keyed up. Once we
got to our connecting flight in Phoenix there was only one seat on the plane
to Sea-Tac available, which he happily and graciously let me have.
Before I boarded the flight he wrapped his arms around me and said, "Be
safe, son."
I chuckled at him. "Dad, it's a three hour flight, how much trouble can I
possibly get in?" Well, with my luck the way it had been, the plane would
probably crash and incinerate my newly freed ass in a matter of seconds.
Maybe it was better that we were taking separate flights after all.
He threw his head back in laughter. "I mean be safe as in use a condom…or
five. I'm too young and good looking to be a grandfather." I rolled my eyes
at him with a blush, a little embarrassed at the notion that it was so obvious
what was going to happen.
"You worry too much. Have some faith," I smirked back, using his words
from the flight over, only now, in an entirely different context. I hugged him
again, full of gratitude, knowing how fortunate I was to have him. As I
pulled away I whispered, "I love you, Dad."
He replied with the same sentiment and gave a wave before I went through
the boarding area alone. Thankfully, my suitcase was small enough that I
didn't have to check it, saving a step. I checked once again that the
paperwork was secure, before stowing it carefully in the overhead
compartment.
Then I called Emmett, just to make sure he could pick me up at the airport. I
knew school was officially finished for him so missing class wouldn't be an
issue. I could have called Bella, but as much as I was dying to put my arms
around her as soon as humanly possible, I didn't want her driving into Seattle
that late at night since my flight arrived in the middle of the night. It just
wasn't safe. I asked her to meet me at my house the next afternoon once
class let out.
Once the flight was underway, I opened Charlotte's letter.
Through her words I realized how much she had been suffering. Not nearly
as long as I had been, and not in the same capacity, but she had accepted her
mistake and owned up to it.
By accepting her heartfelt apology, I found a sense of closure. It also gave
me the assurance that I was doing the right thing by not pursuing and course
of action against her false testimony. I was very sad for her, and I truly
wished her no harm. If anything, this ordeal taught me that I needed to pay
attention to my surroundings, and not be so self absorbed all the time.
When Emmett met me at the airport, he surrounded me with a hug that
practically squeezed all the air from my lungs. He was armed with a brown
bag containing a full assortment of condoms and a shit eating grin.
I found it highly entertaining that everyone assumed the first thing Bella and
I were going to do was have sex. When in reality, all I wanted to do was hold
her in my arms. Okay well, maybe I wanted to have sex too, but not
immediately or anything.
By the time we got home, it was around eight in the morning. I spent a few
minutes with my mom before heading upstairs to lie down. Her excitement
was adorable, and I swore that her belly had gotten even bigger overnight.
The car ride home with Emmett and his noisy fucking chatter had not
allowed me sleep and my eyes were burning from sheer exhaustion. My
body was finally coming down from the adrenaline high, hitting me hard. I
took a shower to keep myself awake, because I knew with the half days that
the Juniors had, that Bella would be home in a few hours and I didn't want to
waste a second of my time with her asleep.
I dressed in shorts and a tee shirt, unpacked my suitcase, hung my (now
lucky) suit in the closet, wrote in my journal, stuffed Charlotte's letter in my
drawer, and framed the photo of me and Bella kissing because it was too hot
to keep hidden. Eventually, I was too antsy to do anything but go to her. My
mother absolutely would not allow me to drive with my eyes hooded as they
were, so I had Emmett drop me off at the high school, with the intention of
having Bella drive me home. It was almost noon, minutes until the Juniors
were released…mere minutes until Bella was in my arms.
I waited outside in the parking lot, leaning against the trunk of her car with
the paperwork that was intended for my file in the main office clutched in
my hand. I tilted my face to the sun, reveling in the warmth of it on my
cheeks, thinking...just thinking about how good it was to be home.
Every now and then, through my smiles and smirks of the newfound
freedom I had regained, gray tinted visions of Charlotte in the courtroom
flitted into my consciousness. I decided that I would write a letter back to
her, telling her that she was forgiven. Even though it was difficult to accept
that what she had done was to protect me, it was the only way I could
remedy the conflicting emotions in my heart and in my head, and hopefully
she would be able to find peace as well.
Oh man…I sound just like Dr. Kate. She would be so proud.
When the double doors leading outside opened loudly, I focused my
attention toward the bodies filtering out, bustling with excitement of the
Prom, end of a new year and the beginning of a long lazy summer.
For me, it was the start of a whole new life.
As soon as I saw her face, my mouth exploded into a smile so wide it
reached my ears. Her hand flitted to her mouth to cover a yawn as she
walked alongside Angela, Alice and Rose who were engrossed in
conversation. Bella was shrugging off a little denim jacket as she walked,
revealing a flowery sundress underneath. My fingers twitched knowing in
seconds I would be able to touch the skin on her shoulders, caresses her
face…run my hands through her long hair. She looked fucking amazing.
I stepped forward a foot, shortening the distance between us, as she still
hadn't seen me waiting there. Then Alice caught sight of me offering a
cheerful wave as she alerted Bella to my presence. All four girls paused in
their tracks.
Bella's jacket and purse slipped carelessly to the pavement, as she stood
stunned, frozen in place with her mouth open. Then she screamed and ran
forward, as fast as her flip flops could take her. I stumbled back laughing
when she launched herself onto me, wrapping her legs around my waist as I
found purchase against her car again. Bella buried her face in my neck and I
held her so tight, pressing her body to mine as though my life depended on
it. I couldn't tell if she was laughing or crying. I was doing both.
In that moment, the moment that I had waited so long for, I lost myself in
her…in her scent, in the distinct feeling of her softness, in her hair, in her
skin.
"My beautiful girl…I missed you so fucking much," I whispered reverently.
I knew I had missed her, but I had no idea how very much so.
She pulled away from my neck, cradling my cheeks in her hands, smiling
with tears in her eyes. She looked so tired, maybe even more than I did and
regardless of how much I didn't want to waste time napping, I knew it was
unavoidable that we both got some much needed sleep…together.
I turned her so that her ass was on the trunk of her car and I was standing
between her legs still embracing her. She showered my face with kisses and
giggles and heartfelt yet excited, 'I love you's.' I rested my forehead against
hers, breathing in deeply, so fucking happy to be home, so fucking happy to
have her in my arms. I brushed my lips against hers, softly passing them
back and forth, ignoring our classmates as we engaged in this open display
of affection.
I kissed her softly, our mouths forming to one another's, our tongues gently
playing and teasing in the sweetest of all kisses. There was no urgency to be
had, no one to hide from, nothing to be afraid of. Nothing. We had all the
time in the world.
It was pure fucking bliss.
"You look so tired. My poor baby," she said, tracing her fingers over my
cheek.
"You have no idea."
"Actually, I think I do," she laughed. I leaned forward giving her a tiny kiss
on her lips, which turned into two kisses and then four and before I knew it
my tongue was back in her mouth.
We were forced apart when Alice approached with Jasper's arm around her
shoulders. My brother hugged me with an added fist bump and after Alice
handed Bella her jacket and purse, she hugged me too. It was so nice, to be
honest. It felt…natural.
They hung out for a few minutes while I gave a quick run through of the
details of court. Before they left us to resume our sweet reunion, Jasper
leaned in letting me know he had a shitload of condoms in his top dresser
drawer.
Jesus, people with the rubbers already.
My fingers pressed into Bella's bare skin, feeling her, taking her in, making
up for all the moments we couldn't take advantage of before. Without
hesitation, I righted the strap that had fallen from her shoulder, placing a kiss
on her skin. She giggled and hummed a bit with this fire in her eyes, that
even through her exhaustion, burned and smoldered.
She was so fucking happy. I don't think I had ever been this joyous myself…
so full of love and filled with a beautiful inner peace.
"Hey," I said, pulling the necklace with our rings out from inside my shirt. I
unclasped the catch letting both rings drop in my palm. "I don't think I need
this for luck anymore. The black cloud has lifted. The voodoo doll is dead."
Bella laughed as she held out her hand allowing me to slip the ring on her
third finger. I kissed it softly before sliding my ring on my own hand. She
admired hers for a minute, turning it one her finger as the sunlight caught the
metal.
"Edward…I don't want to wait though," she said shyly, with her bottom lip
caught between her teeth. "I want to be with you."
My heart fluttered and my pants tightened against the hard strain in my
pants. I smirked, leaning forward to trap her sentiment between a kiss. "Me
too. So fucking much." She sighed against me, trailing soft fingertips on my
arms. Nothing had ever felt better.
A heavy wave of exhaustion swept over me again, making me yawn. "I
know it's probably the last thing you want to do right now, but do you think
maybe we could just go back to my house and take a nap? We can go out
tonight to celebrate, if you want."
"As long as I get to hold you in my arms, I'll do whatever you like," she
smiled, covering her own yawn.
I snatched up the envelope, helping her down from the trunk of the car. Bella
slipped her arm around my waist grinning brightly. I pulled her close,
kissing the top of her head not wanting to put an inch of space between us. I
loved this feeling and I wished to God it would never end.
"What's that?" she asked nodding to the envelope in my grasp.
"Permission to touch you," I smirked knowing for once it did not contain the
key to my fucking demise, but quite the opposite. I slipped my hand down
her back, cupping one of her ass cheeks gently in my hand. "Come with me
to the main office, then we'll go home and snuggle…and stuff."
Her eyes twinkled. "I like the 'and stuff' part."
Me too, baby, me too.
The two of us were smiling fools, giddy in our love as we gazed at each
other dumbly, laughing and shaking our heads at the silliness. I held my
palm up, an offer for her to take my hand. Bella's grin was huge as she slid
her palm gently into mine, squeezing tightly, never wavering. I reveled in the
warmth and the softness of her skin, the feeling of completeness as her
fingers meshed with my own. It was odd, yet surprisingly beautiful how
intimate such an innocent gesture seemed all of a sudden.
And then as we started toward the main door of the school, I smiled with a
slight air of cockiness, thinking that for the first time that I was holding
Bella's hand…in public…proudly…with permission….
Like a normal fucking boyfriend.
~%~
This chapter is dedicated to everyone who has had faith… I know you
waited a long time for this. To the lovely, patient readers (even the ones
who "Take A Pessimistic Stance") of High Anxiety who have waited so
tolerantly for a resolution and some peace for our beloved teenage star
crossed lovers, this is for you.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go make a three tiered fondant
covered monster truck cake and then I have to go write some smut:)
The story is not finished yet, no fears.
Much love,
EBT