December 7, 2003

The Climate of Healthy Relationships

Part 5—Honesty

Introduction: Relationships are built on trust and honesty. How can we create a
climate of honesty?
1 John 1:7

1. Build ___________________________________________________________.
Luke 16:10-11

2. Be _____________________________________________________________.
Ephesians 4:25; Leviticus 19:11, Proverbs 12:22, 24:26, John 8:32,
Colossians 3:9-10

3. Be _____________________________________________________________.
Jeremiah 5:3, Proverbs 27:6

4. Know the _______________________________________________ of honesty.

Ephesians 4:15, 1 Corinthians 13:6

For Life Group Discussion: What next step can you take to create a climate of trust
and honesty in your relationships?
 December 7, 2003
The Climate of Healthy Relationships
Part 5—Honesty

Opening:
Most living things require light to thrive.
• Plants and animals will not be healthy without the proper amount of
sunlight.
• People require light too. For example, some people suffer from SAD,
seasonal affective disorder. As the days get shorter and there is less
sunlight, they may get depressed and moody. How many of you think you
suffer from SAD? SAD is treated by light; sometimes the person may use
artificial lights, or sometimes they have to move to a lighter climate.
Relationships need light too—the light of honesty, openness and transparency.
Today, we wrap up our series on the climate of healthy relationships—we’re
talking about honesty.

Offering and announcements:

Introduction:
ILL: It’s only 10 days until the final installment of “The Lord of the Rings”
comes out in theaters—woohoo! How many of you have read the books?
Seen the movies? Don’t give a rip?
One of the characters that will play a major role in the climax of the
story is Gollum. Originally, his name was Smeagol. While he was
swimming one day with a friend, he found a ring—it turned out to be The
Ring—The One Ring of Power. Smeagol killed his friend to keep the ring,
and ran far away and hid under a mountain, deep in the darkness. And there
he changed and became Gollum, a miserable creature, controlled by the ring
and twisted by the darkness, living alone and in fear.
Gollum is a parable of what happens to people when they choose to live in the
darkness of dishonesty rather than in the light. You end up lonely, afraid,
miserable and twisted. The Bible says that God is light, and that we need to live in
the light.
1 John 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have
fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us
from all sin.
If we want to have fellowship with God, if we want to have a close relationship
with God, we need to walk in the light. We need to be living in the light,
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truthfully, out in the open. If we live in the darkness, always hiding things, being
deceitful, we’ll never have fellowship. Close relationships only happen in the light,
in the climate of openness, honesty, transparency. That’s true of our relationships
with God or people.
Notice that living in the light not a climate of perfection. We still sin, and
we need Jesus to purify us. But even that is out in the open, in the light. We
acknowledge our sin, rather than trying to hide it. In fact the next verse says:
1 John 1:8-9 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the
truth is not in us. _9_ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will
forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
This is part of living in the light too: I acknowledge my sin, my failures. If I claim
to be without sin, I’m fooling myself—but certainly nobody else. I don’t pretend
that I’m perfect or have it all together. I am honest with myself, with you and with
God. I own up and come clean, and God forgives and purifies me, and we have
fellowship. That’s living in the light.
Relationships thrive in the light; they die in the darkness. Relationships
thrive on honesty, openness, transparency, and trust. Just like living things need
light to thrive, your relationships need the light of honesty to thrive and be healthy.
Relationships are built on trust and honesty. You’ll never be close to
someone you don’t trust, someone who is not honest with you.
ILL: Our family watches “Survivor”—we enjoy the human dynamics.
Sometimes, people have tried to win the game and be honest. But in this
particular game, the remaining contestants have all decided to lie their way
to top. And biggest liar of all is John, who lies to everyone. To win one
reward, John told everyone that his grandmother had died back home.
Everyone let him win out of sympathy. He was lying—his grandmother is
fine! He lies to the other players but swears on his dead grandmother’s
grave that he’s telling the truth. They believe him! I just want to jump into
the TV and scream, “He’s lying!”
Thursday night, one of the players, Krista, made an interesting
comment. “We’re all lying. It’s how you play the game. You can’t trust
anyone. It’s every man for himself. We’re not out here to make best
friends. We’re out here to win a million bucks.”
“We’re not out here to make best friends.” Everyone knows that you don’t make
friends by lying to them. Relationships thrive in a climate of honesty. How do
create a climate of honesty?

1. Build trust.
If you want to create a climate of honesty in your relationships you must
build trust. People will only be honest if they feel safe. They must be able to trust
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you.
There is a symbiotic relationship between honesty and trust. We trust only
people that are honest with us. We are completely honest only with people we
trust. Honesty and trust always work together.
ILL: Patrick Lencioni, in his best selling book, The Five Dysfunctions of a
Team, says that teams are dysfunctional when they can’t have honest
conflict. And they can’t have honest conflict when they don’t trust each
other. So, he says, you start by building trust. When people trust each other,
they will risk being honest.
If you want honesty, you need to build trust. There are two ways to build trust in a
relationship.
First, you build trust by genuinely loving the other person. I placed this
message last in the series, because when you love and respect and forgive and
show kindness, you build the kind of trust that fosters honesty. I can be honest
with someone who loves me, respects me, forgives me, and is kind to me. It’s safe.
To be completely honest with another human being, to let someone see who you
really are, warts and all, is a very risky undertaking. What will they think of me?
Will they accept me or reject me? Love gives people the freedom to be honest.
• When I know that you love me, I can risk being transparent.
• When I know that you’ll forgive me, I can risk being honest about my sins.
• When I know that you’ll respect me, I can risk telling you what I really
think.
• When I know that you’ll be kind, I can risk sharing how I really feel.
Love, respect, forgiveness and kindness create a climate of trust; and that in turn
fosters honesty. I trust people that I know love me, and feel free to be transparent.
People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
There is an Arab proverb that says, “Ah, the beauty of being at peace with another,
neither having to weigh thoughts or measure words, but spilling them out just as
they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will keep what is
worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.” When you
know someone loves you, you can be honest—you don’t have to weigh your
thoughts or measure your words, but just spill them out as they are.
ILL: A friend of mine named Doug tells the story of a man who started
attending their church. He was trapped in a gay lifestyle and was looking for
a way out, but he feared he would be rejected by the church. One day he
came up to Doug after a service and said, "I'm a homosexual. I've been
attending for several months and been watching your demeanor. I'm
persuaded this is a pretty safe place. I want to commit my life to Christ."
They prayed, and afterward Doug introduced him to the leaders of their
ministry to homosexuals. He joined the program, and 3 months later handed
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Doug a letter.
"The deciding moment in my life for overcoming homosexual desires
was when I came up to you and told you where I was. After sitting in
services for several months, I guessed I would be accepted. When I
introduced myself to you, the look in your eye told me I was accepted. I
knew you saw a person rather than a gay person. At that moment I knew I
was free."
A climate of love, respect, forgiveness and kindness made it possible for him to be
honest.
How is trust built? A little at a time. One loving word, one kind action at a
time. When someone has proven himself trustworthy with a little, we trust him
with more.
Luke 16:10-11 Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted
with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest
with much.
It takes time to build trust, but it doesn’t take long to destroy it. Years of trust can
be blown up by a single big dishonesty. I can forgive someone quickly; that takes
care of the past. But it might take awhile to trust them again; that deals with the
future. Trust is earned; we build trust one word or deed at a time with love,
respect, forgiveness and kindness. People have to know that it’s safe to be honest
with you.
The second way to build trust is to be honest.

2. Be honest.
We have to trust each other if we’re going to be honest. And we have to be
honest with each other if we’re going to trust. If you are not honest with me, I
can’t trust you.
If you want to create a climate of honesty in your relationships, you must be
honest! That seems obvious, doesn’t it? Honesty invites honesty. Openness
breeds openness. You create a climate of honesty and you build trust by being
honest. If you are dishonest, people won’t trust you, and they will be reluctant to
be honest back. Your honesty will invite and encourage others to be honest with
you.
ILL: A psychologist was speaking to a national convention of psychologists
and made an astonishing boast. He said that he could have any patient open
up to him and tell him their deepest secrets within fifteen minutes in their
first appointment. What was his secret? He simply shared some secret from
his own life that if revealed to others could damage his reputation and future.
This personal transparency on his part created a safe atmosphere for his
patients to share their secrets.
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I’m honest with you; you trust me; and you’re honest with me. That’s how a
climate of honesty is created.
Ephesians 4:25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak
truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
Put off falsehood—no more deception, lies, or half-truths. No more making
ourselves look better than we really are. No more exaggeration, distortion or
embellishment. Just tell the truth. Speak truthfully. Why? Because we are
members of one body.
Paul uses his favorite analogy of the church. The church is the body of
Christ. We are joined to each other as Christians in the same way that the
members of our body are connected. Now what would happen if the members of
your body lied to each other?
• What if your stomach was full, but sent signals to your head, saying, “More
food!” (This really happens for lots of us!) We get sick…or fat!
• What if your eyes see a wall in front of you, but sent a signal to your brain,
saying, “All clear; full steam ahead”? You’d hurt yourself.
• What if you broke an ankle, but your leg masked the pain and sent a
message to your brain, “Ok down here”?
Do you know that’s what happens to a person with leprosy? Leprosy destroys the
nerves so a person doesn’t feel pain. A leper might break an ankle and keep
walking on it, doing permanent damage; or set his hand on a hot burner and not
feel a thing as his flesh burns.
When members of your body stop telling the truth to each other, what do we
call that? Disease! We go to a doctor to fix it.
And that’s true of us in our relationships. When we stop telling the truth to
each other, our relationships are diseased; unless we get help, they’ll die.
Proverbs 24:26 An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.
I like that! An honest answer is an expression of love.
Proverbs 27:5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
If you love me, tell me the truth. Honesty is essential to relationships.
ILL: All of our staff knows the Big 5. When they are hired, we tell them
that there are five non-negotiables, five things we expect, and if you violate
them, you’ll lose your job. Want to know what those are? We expect our
staff to:
1. Maintain a vital relationship with Jesus, so they should have regular PBJ
time.
2. Tithe and give offerings. If we expect our church members to do this, we
can’t expect less of our staff.
3. Be drug and alcohol free. If you work for me, you don’t drink or do
drugs.
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4. Be sexually pure. In fact, we expect them to not even be in a

compromising situation where they could be accused of wrongdoing.
5. Be honest. If you lie to me, you’re gone.
Why #5? Because honesty is essential to relationships.
If you are not honest with me, I can’t know you. We only know a person to the
degree that person practices honest self-disclosure. I can only know you if you
want me to, if you are willing to be honest, willing to tell the truth about yourself.
Have you ever thought you knew someone well, and then discovered some secret
that made you say, “I thought I knew you, but I was wrong”? You only know
someone if they are honest with you.
You have to be honest.

3. Be teachable.
If you want to create a climate of honesty in your relationships, you must be
teachable. That is, you must be willing to listen to and accept the truth when other
people are courageous enough to give it to you. Someone may love you enough to
tell you the truth, but if you react, if you refuse to listen or get defensive, you shut
down communication. Next time, your friend will not be as likely to be honest.
You will create a climate of dishonesty in which we keep our thoughts to
ourselves; we don’t risk rocking the boat. A climate of honesty involves give and
take; you must give it—speak the truth; and you must take it—receive it when
someone else speaks the truth.
ILL: When I was playing football in high school, our coach told us that if he
got after us, it was because he knew we could do better. He told us not to
take it personally, or get our feelings hurt. He wanted us to improve,
become better football players—that’s why he would get after us. “The time
to feel bad,” he said, “is when I stop getting after you. That means I’ve
given up on you. And I’ll only give up on you if you stop being coachable.”
We had to be coachable, teachable—or the relationship didn’t work. The same is
true in any honest relationship. There has to be give and take.
Wise people welcome honest input from trusted friends.
Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy
multiplies kisses.
When a friend loves you enough to tell you the truth, even though it may be
painful, listen and learn. Wounds from a friend can be trusted. A wise person
listens and learns.
Proverbs 13:1 A wise son heeds his father’s instruction, but a mocker does
not listen to rebuke.
A wise person listens to instruction or rebuke.
Proverbs 15:31 He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home
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among the wise.

A wise person listens to correction.
Proverbs 17:10 A rebuke impresses a man of discernment more than a
hundred lashes a fool.
A discerning person is impressed by correction.
Proverbs 19:25 Flog a mocker, and the simple will learn prudence; rebuke a
discerning man, and he will gain knowledge.
A discerning person learns from correction.
ILL: Twenty years ago, Gordon McDonald was in Japan on a speaking tour
with a close personal friend, an older man.
“As we walked down the street in Yokohama, Japan, the name of a
common friend came up, and I said something unkind about that person. It
was sarcastic. It was cynical. It was a put-down. My older friend stopped,
turned, and faced me until his face was right in front of mine. With deep,
slow words he said, "Gordon, a man who says he loves God would not say a
thing like that about a friend."
He could have put a knife into my ribs, and the pain would not have
been any less. But you know something? There have been ten thousand
times in the last twenty years that I have been saved from making a jerk of
myself. When I've been tempted to say something unkind about a brother or
sister, I hear my friend's voice say, "Gordon, a man who says he loves God
would not speak in such a way about a friend."
When we are teachable, when we welcome correction, when we are willing to
listen to the painful truth, we create a climate of honesty in which we grow and our
relationships are healthy. On the other hand, if we are too insecure or too proud to
be rebuked, we create dysfunctional relationships.
Proverbs 9:7-8 Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes
a wicked man incurs abuse. Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you;
rebuke a wise man and he will love you.
Correct a mocker and what do you get? Insults, abuse, and hatred. Tell someone
the truth who doesn’t want to hear it and they’ll hate you for it. Not a healthy
climate.
ILL: In Business @ the Speed of Thought, Bill Gates, of Microsoft, writes:
“A good e-mail system ensures that bad news can travel fast, but your
people have to be willing to send you the news. You have to be constantly
receptive to bad news, and then you have to act on it. Sometimes I think my
most important job as CEO is to listen for bad news. If you don't act on it,
your people will eventually stop bringing bad news to your attention. And
that's the beginning of the end.”
The willingness to hear hard truth is vital not only for heads of big corporations but
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also for anyone who wants healthy relationships. Sometimes the truth sounds like
bad news, but it is just what we need. When we stop listening and learning, that’s
the beginning of the end.
Healthy relationships are honest relationships. Each person knows that he is
loved, she is respected, and can give and take honest feedback.

4. Know the boundaries of honesty.

If you want to create a climate of honesty in your relationships, you need to
know the boundaries of honesty. What do I mean by the boundaries of honesty? I
mean that you should not say everything you think and feel. There is a time to
speak and a time to be silent, and you need to know the difference.
There is a right and wrong kind of honesty. Some things are really better
left unsaid.
ILL: Do you remember the TV commercials for Jim Rhome’s sports talk
show called “The Last Word”. Rhome is famous for being outspoken, so
that’s what the commercials advertise: brutal honesty.
In one, a young man introduces his girlfriend to his parents, who say,
“Oh; we were expecting someone pretty.” Brutal honesty.
In another, a proud mom points out her cheerleader daughter to a man
who says, “Gosh, she’s pretty light on her feet for a fat girl.” Brutal honesty.
In another, an expectant couple ask a doc doing an ultrasound what
the baby is going to be, and the doc looks at them and says, “Ugly.” Brutal
honesty.
When someone says he is going to be brutally honest, it’s usually more about being
brutal than being honest. The next time you catch yourself saying, “I’m going to
be brutally honest,” you ought to stop yourself. You won’t create a climate of
honesty by being brutal. Instead you’ll destroy relationships. The Bible says that
we need to speak the truth in love.
Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things
grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
Speak the truth, but in love. It has to be helpful. That doesn’t mean that it never
hurts or is never hard, but it has to be motivated out of genuine love, not a careless
commitment to brutal honesty.
ILL: In the car Eileen Munro’s four-year-old granddaughter asked her why
she was wearing a brightly colored scarf.
"I thought it would make my blue suit look much prettier," she said.
After a moment's consideration, she replied sympathetically, "It didn't
work, did it?"
That’s funny from a four-year-old…but not from an adult!
Other people feel like they have to be totally honest. They have to tell
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everything they think or feel, even if it’s inappropriate. For example, the followers
of Rabbi Shammai in Jesus’ day were so concerned about truth-telling that they
forbade ordinary politeness. They wouldn't tell a bride that she looked beautiful if
she was a little homely. A new baby may be dirt ugly, but you don't need to tell his
doting parents! There are times when you should keep your opinions and feelings to
yourself!
ILL: Many years ago, a lady approached Laina and asked if they could talk.
Laina sensed she wanted to share something—she did. She told Laina, “I
feel really bad about this, but I’ve always hated you. You seem too perfect
and you intimidate me. But I feel better now that I’ve told you.”
What was Laina supposed to do? “Gosh, thanks for sharing that!” I
wanted to thump that lady on the noggin!
Her intentions were good, but she stepped across the boundaries of
honesty.
She spoke the truth, but it wasn’t motivated out of love for Laina, just selfishness.
She got it off her chest and she felt better, but she left Laina feeling badly.
If you want to create a climate of honesty, you have to know the boundaries
of honesty. Speak the truth in love. Never be brutally honest.