Starcandy - Oneshot Crazy (Like You Know I'Ve Never Been) PG-13

17/8/2015 _starcandy:OneshotCrazy(likeyouknowI'veneverbeen)PG13
Oneshot; Crazy (like you cynsinnn;

cynsinnn
know I've never been) PG-13 http://cynsinnn.livejournal.com/
_starcandy
http://community.livejournal.com/_starcandy/
2008-09-20 15:46:00
Title: Crazy (like you know I've never been)

Genre: Angst, romance
Pairing:Jaemin
Length: Oneshot; 2077 words
Summary: Jaejoong knows that Changmin exists. That Changmin is there.
A/N: So I kept to my promise to write more! Longest angst this time round, hope it doesn't disappoint.
(idk 3rd time trying to post, LJ hates me. If the cut doesn't work bear with it temporarily)
At night, Jaejoong finds himself caught in nightmares. Hes spiraling down a chute, a hundred stories
above the ground, and fiery embers cut and tear at his throat. He feels twisted metal, burning pain, and hes
shouting and screaming for Changmin who doesnt appear. He doesnt realise its only a dream until he bolts
upright, shaking erratically, and beside him Changmin sleepily peels open an eyelid. Against the perspiration
that glistens frightfully on his face, Changmin is serene and pallid. He stretches a smile and tugs Jaejoong
into his grip, and Jaejoong curls with a small sigh into the crevices of Changmins body.
Sleep. Changmin whispers into his ear, tickling the earlobe with his breath.
And sleep he did.
Jaejoong stands alone in the kitchen. Its six a.m., and nobody else is due to wake up yet. He likes it
this way, being the first and only one to watch the sun creep up over the window. It used to be loud and
noisy by eight, cluttered with bleary eyes, unfinished songs, newly-learnt dances and enthusiastic hearts.
Now he boils the soup and cooks the rice so theyre ready long before eight and everyone would silently
shuffle their way in and take their place at the table. No more nagging, no more cajoling. They no longer
push Changmin away if he gets close to too much food. Funny how it was crowded at the table with the
pushing and pulling and kicking and shoving, and now when they all pack in properly, lined up shoulder-to-
shoulder, the distance, in Jaejoongs eyes, is insurmountable.
They eat to the sound of unspoken words. At eight-thirty, Junsu stacks up the empty bowls. Yoochun
wipes the table. Yunho quietly volunteers to wash the dishes. Jaejoong and watches and wonders how they
let Changmin get away with not doing chores all the time. He glances at Changmin sitting in the corner, who
winks and sticks his tongue out as if to say, Haha, you can never catch me. Then he melts and slinks out of
Jaejoongs line of vision.

In between dance practice, Jaejoong huddles at the corner where the mirrors meet, leaning his head
http://community.livejournal.com/_starcandy/617061.html 1/9
In between dance practice, Jaejoong huddles at the corner where the mirrors meet, leaning his head
on Changmins shoulder. He thinks of breakfasts and long, cold rides (figuratively and literally) in the van
with the members. Its like being trapped in a bubble, Jaejoong muses, a big, translucent bubble that blocks
him out but has everyone peering in. And yet at the same time they are scared to move too close, like one
wrong move could shatter the bubble and reduce it to nothing but mere vapour. So they stand and watch on
and whisper in hushed voices, darting glances every time they think hes not looking.
Its weird. Theyre weird, he murmurs into Changmins skin. Why, Changmins face searches.
I dunno, you think they dont like this? Us?

He scrunches up his face and tries to think back to a time when he used to punch Yunho on the
shoulder. Harmonized with Junsu and drank with Yoochun. But all that remains are vestiges of blurred
voices that he doesnt recall remembering.

You think its my fault? Jaejoong turns his face upwards to look Changmin in the eye. Changmin
folds his fingers around Jaejoongs hand. No, he mouths in earnest. No, of course not.

The pulsating music resumes. Changmin pulls Jaejoong up by the wrist, and they go back to the
routine, a mechanical clockwork of moving bodies and stubborn souls.
Dinner that evening is oily take-out from paper boxes. Jaejoong watches the manager come back
with five packages, and he asks him, Hyung, arent you going to eat as well? Manager gives him an odd
look, and says Yes, but after I meet the co-coordinator for a short while. Jaejoong shrugs and hands the
boxes around, and he feels Yoochuns eyes almost boring through his mind. Chopsticks are broken apart
and they dig in ravenously. For a while only munching and slurping fills the tiny room.
Eat, Changmin, Jaejoong gestures in the middle of dinner. The box in front of him remains
untouched. Its uncharacteristic of him to say no to food. Changmin smiles and shakes his head, no, its not
for me. Jaejoong pushes the box nearer empathetically. If Changmin goes hungry, Jaejoong feels the
emptiness too.
Youre not hungry? Why not? Hes looking at Changmin straight across, trying to cajole him into the
food. Muted silence and no reply.
Enough.
Jaejoong blinks and turns. Yunho bangs his fist against the glass-topped table, his teeth clenched
and eyes clouded with something that resembledwhat? Anger? Annoyance? Junsus bamboo chopsticks
drop to the floor with a dull thud. Yoochun shudders and stretches a hand tentatively to where Yunhos wrist
lay, shaking.
Yunho brushes him off, and Yoochun withdraws, afraid.
Enough of your delusion. Enough of all this play and pretense. Weve been putting up with you for
weeks and months already, and nothing is anywhere near to returning to fucking normal. You screw us up,
weeks and months already, and nothing is anywhere near to returning to fucking normal. You screw us up,
Jae. You know that? You think youre the only one thats in pain, huh? We dont want this too. We want to go
back too. But it cant. It just cant. And youve got to stop being a bloody coward and start living.
Jaejoong looks at him, stares with empty eyes. Crazy, theyve all gone crazy, he thinks. What are you
talking about? he wants to ask. Nobody is trying to put on an act around here. Problem is with them; Junsu,
Yoochun and Yunho, sulking around and acting gloomy all day. Like theres been a death in the family, or
something.
He, however, keeps his mouth shut. He just shakes his head and raises a weary eyebrow at
Changmin.
Yunho scrunches up the remains of his paper package in frustration. He watches it hurl across the
room, dripping grease and noodle sauce against the wall. He stands, turns and leaves. The light shines
against his eyes, making the tears glisten.
Junsu lets out a tiny whimper, buries his head in Yoochuns chest. Yoochun is busy stroking,
murmuring, running hands through his hair and rubbing Junsus back. Jaejoong sighs and tugs on
Changmin.
Lets go.
They escape into the soft light of the streets.
Jaejoong stumbles back into the apartment, half-drunk with happiness, the other part of him thats
not light-headed and woozy clinging on to Changmin for dear sanity. Changmin shrugs off his coat and
places it on the rack, wraps Jaejoong in his arms as the last of the cold wind outside gushes away. They
went out and had fun, fun like Jaejoong has forgotten for a long time. They sat on the sidewalk stoop and
drank soju as they watched people hurry past, counting the people who had funny hairstyles that bounced
and wiggled in the breeze. Chased each other across the park as night began to darken. Sat humming and
singing softly after Changmin catches up with a giggling Jaejoong, taking turns first and later on finally
making a simple duet; the world is crazy, lalalala, crazy except for us, lalalala. Jaejoong leaned forward and
kissed the smile off Changmins dry lips as the song reached its silly refrain, and grinned as Changmin
whispered, closer. Closer, he thought. He could manage that.
Changmin helps Jaejoong find the bed, and Jaejoong flops onto the mattress and tugs on to
Changmins sleeve. Stay, he smiles. Changmin obliges with a little bow and remains close. He feels
Changmins body heat, warm beside him.
Changmin helps him forget.
The nightmare returns, excruciatingly painful in its defined detail. This time, the spiraling chute is
gone, replaced with the blinking headlights of an incoming car. Jaejoong hears screeches and the frantic
pounding of a heart fighting to keep on beating. A car churns into its reverse gear. A deafening explosion,
and then the same recurring elements again. Fire tugging at his throat, a pain in his chest and against his
ribs, screams all around him. This time Jaejoong doesnt scream for Changmin. He finds himself screaming
at Changmin, making his lungs burn angrily, and hes crying and hes yelling WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP.
Jaejoong opens his eyes, and hes still yelling, shouting himself hoarse. Theres an empty space
beside him and he whirls around in terror. For the first time, Jaejoong registers that he is alone. And now
hes screaming and crying at the same time and he cant stop.
Junsu hurtles into the room, his eyes afraid and frozen. He sees Jaejoong twisted in the sheets and
lost in his memories. Places a hand over Jaejoongs heart. There, there, he whispers. Its alright. Its okay.
Jaejoongs cries ebb into sobs that convulse his body and for the first time Junsu is able to pull Jaejoong
close and tight against him like he used to in the past.
All three of them had been wondering when Jaejoong would break apart, crumble into pieces. After
the accident, theyre afraid to tell the truth, because one death is already more than impossible to accept.
They couldnt bear to see Jaejoong die a slow, torturous death, broken in spirit and soul.
Imagine their surprise when the tears dont appear. When Jaejoong simply looks straight ahead with
a glazed expression and appears like he has no idea of their presence. How now, Yoochun whispers, and
Yunho just replies in a defeated voice, I guess well just have to wait and watch. Wait and watch stretched
on for days and weeks, three of them creeping tentatively around Jaejoong as they slowly recover from
physical injuries. Wait and watch translated into Jaejoong living his days without a care in the world, cooking
meals for five when only four were left. Speaking to empty spaces and kissing the air like someone is there.
Fear stroke their hearts as they struggle with deciding what is the right thing to do and what is the kind thing
to do. In the end they agree to leave him be.
Now this was it, Junsu thinks, holding and rocking Jaejoongs body softly against his own. Boys
finally woken up. Its been three months and fourteen days of anguish and worry. The pain hasnt faded
away, still fresh and shining in its scars, but at least now theyre all looking at it in the eye instead of running
away.
Changmin Jaejoong heaves his shoulders in earnest. Changmins not gone, you know, Su? I
know you all think I pretend, but I see him, Su. I see him, talk to him, sing to him. Hes alive. Somewhere.
Maybe not anywhere around here. But somewhere.
Junsu smiles a sad smile, as if telling Jaejoong, yes, I know. I know. Maybe they had handled this the
wrong way. Maybe they had been cowards too, running away from Jaejoong the same way Jaejoong ran
away from reality. He traces a finger on Jaejoongs palm, drawing hangul against the skin. Better now?
Jaejoong glances down and nods, despite the tears still running tracks against his cheeks. Good, Junsu
writes. They stay like that for the entire night.

This Jaejoong sees:

The startling sunlight of the morning, four of them squinting in their clothing. They agree not to don
black, because Changmin wouldnt have wanted it that way. Instead Jaejoong is in purple, and clutching
black, because Changmin wouldnt have wanted it that way. Instead Jaejoong is in purple, and clutching
lilies in his hand. Yunho places daisies against the gravestone, and Junsu whispers something softly against
the earth. Yoochun has his hands clasped together. Jaejoong kneels and gingerly drops the lilies. Lily, he
thinks, remembering its significance. Love me if you dare.
Tomorrow Dong Bang Shin Ki will officially be announced as defunct. Its better this way, because
four will never make up for the five that they once were. They might head separate ways, but thats nowhere
in the near future, because for now they still need to cling on to what remains of each other.
This Jaejoong remembers:
Changmin, tracing his hands over Jaejoongs cheekbones and jaw line. It is Christmas two years after
debut, and theyve finally found each other. I love you, Changmin says with his eyes. I love you too,
Jaejoong replies with his lips, kissing Changmin for the first time of forever.
This Jaejoong dreams:
Changmin, fingers tight against his own as they run through the light and the sky. Hes laughing
because Changmin is laughing because they are just laughing for nothing. Together they reach the highest
peak and Changmin quirks an eyebrow at him. Ready? he mouths. Ready, Jaejoong nods.
They jump and fly.
TAGS: author: c, genre: angst, genre: romance, length: oneshot, rating: pg13
27 comments
kanintallrik
September 20 2008, 09:45:06 UTC CHECK COLLAPSE
this is incredible.
I feel slightly embarrased because you led me right into the trap, and halfway through I had to go back and
see where you tricked me. those were wonderfully skilled tricks. and at the same time, I feel sligihtly
pampered by being led around....
argh, it's awesome! so beautiful, so meaningful, so careful. it's like every word really means something (and
that's pretty much what it's all about, right..?)
cynsinnn
-hugs- aww don't feel embarrassed. i guess it wasnt really a 'trick', but im glad that you got the gist of it
cos initially i was wondering if it was too weird. i guess im trying to let the reader see things from the 'jae'
pov before everything is revealed.
thank you so much
timbong
You know, I haven't read anything in a good 5 months or so. I don't know why I chose this one to read, but I
am pretty glad I did.
cynsinnn
I'm glad you did too

Thank you for the comment :D
flame_angel88
I was tricked too, and happily at that. This is beautiful.
cynsinnn
thank you so much i guess the trick was well worth it? :D
purplehaze_33
yeah i didnt get it except for when yunho screamed at him.
wow.
beautifully written=]
cynsinnn
thank you :D i was afraid that it might not make much sense, especially initially, but yeah relieved now
yinluvschangmin
Awes~ *starts tearing up* so bittersweet.
cynsinnn
-hands out a cookie-

thank you
graveyardgrin
;_; This is so heartbreaking. I like how the situation slowly unfurls, and the ending where its not perfect but
still a somewhat happy one, because they're together (in Jae's memory? :|). Absolutely gorgeous
cynsinnn
I'll like to think of it this way too, like they're together :D thank you so much <3
wanderingreen
I sort of guessed after the 3rd para but it didn't make it any less heartbreaking *______*
I like the "sees", "remembers", "dreams" device.
cynsinnn
i was trying to hint at it as we went along :D thank you for reading! <3
timelessluv1220
I love reading it through again and getting an entirely different feel.
"Problem is with them; Junsu, Yoochun and Yunho, sulking around and acting gloomy all day. Like theres
been a death in the family, or something."
It's amazing how sad and significant this became the second time through.
cynsinnn
im glad you took the time to go through it again :D

thank you for reading
airlan
at first i didn't really get it...but then, i understood that minnie had died ::starts tearing up::
is this part 2 of the fic where minnie died in the crash?
cynsinnn
oh, you remembered 'deals'? :D I don't really think its a follow-up, because over here I see it as all 5 of
them being involved in the accident? (i always kill changmin off, don't I :X)
thanks for reading &heats;
ansuka
that was beautiful and really sad, i love it!

i was like... changmin die? O_O
cynsinnn
thank you for the comment

(idk yes i killed him off >.<)
jaemint
October 11 2008, 11:51:44 UTC Edited:October 11 2008, 11:53:54 UTC CHECK COLLAPSE
this is awesome. it's been so long (haven't read any fics for a very long time XD) since i've read such a well-
written fic. definitely mem-ing it. :)
cynsinnn
October 12 2008, 12:00:58 UTC CHECK COLLAPSE
thank you so much *huggles*
konna_chan
April 16 2009, 07:28:06 UTC CHECK COLLAPSE
i usually really hate fics were one character dies but this one was sooo amazing.
whatifgirl86
October 10 2010, 10:36:24 UTC CHECK COLLAPSE
Even though this was written a couple years ago I still felt the need to comment because it was absolutely
wonderful. I thought that it was well written and the plot was good. I am a sucker for angst, don't know why
really, and this was just perfect. Again, this was very good.
dorkii_simba
May 18 2011, 01:18:33 UTC CHECK COLLAPSE
this is such a beautiful piece -

i cried when i read the last scene; ;___; <3
thank you for writing :']
miri_uchiha
December 1 2011, 00:32:26 UTC CHECK COLLAPSE
I didn't really understand it in the beginning and I was wondering why Yunho was getting mad at Jaejoong
when Changmin was the one that wasn't eating and then I read further and then I realized it. So sad . . .
Great job. I loved it. :)
flyingseoul_o
December 16 2011, 05:01:27 UTC CHECK COLLAPSE
Ah, not many stories can make my heart beat slower, but oh my goodness. You had me until Jae had the
nightmare the second time. I was literally like
"Has Yunho lost his mind... why...okay."
Then after the second nightmare I was like "Wait. Changmin is dead isn't he? No. No. Couldn't be." I had to
read it again >.>
I loved this so much though.

Starcandy - Oneshot Crazy (Like You Know I'Ve Never Been) PG-13

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17/8/2015 _starcandy:OneshotCrazy(likeyouknowI'veneverbeen)PG13

Oneshot; Crazy (like you cynsinnn;

Title: Crazy (like you know I've never been)

I dunno, you think they dont like this? Us?

Yunho brushes him off, and Yoochun withdraws, afraid.

Changmin helps him forget.

This Jaejoong remembers:

This Jaejoong dreams:

They jump and fly.

thank you so much

I'm glad you did too

I was tricked too, and happily at that. This is beautiful.

yeah i didnt get it except for when yunho screamed at him.

Awes~ *starts tearing up* so bittersweet.

-hands out a cookie-

I like the "sees", "remembers", "dreams" device.

I love reading it through again and getting an entirely different feel.

im glad you took the time to go through it again :D

September 20 2008, 19:39:25 UTC CHECK COLLAPSE

is this part 2 of the fic where minnie died in the crash?

thanks for reading &heats;

that was beautiful and really sad, i love it!

thank you for the comment

thank you so much *huggles*

this is such a beautiful piece -

"Has Yunho lost his mind... why...okay."

I loved this so much though.

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Awes~ starts tearing up so bittersweet.

thank you so much huggles