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How to Make the Case for Marriage

(Using Non-religious Language)
MaryJoAnderson(/profile/maryjoanderson)
Whetherwelikeitornot,secularismis
thedominantmodeofpublicdiscourse
today.Eventhoseweencounterwho
arenot"antifaith"oftenplaceahigh
valueontheirunderstandingof
"separationofchurchandstate."

Catholicsmustthereforebepreparedto
supportmoralpositionswithout
recoursetoScriptureorreligious
vocabulary.Thatisanenormous
challengetoCatholicswhowantto
defendandpreservemarriageasthe
onlyhealthymodelforanorderly
society.

Beforewegoanyfurther,weshouldmakeitclearthatusingseculartermsto
makethecaseformarriageinseculartermsinnowaysuppressesordenies
thefaith.Whileitdoesomitahigherdimensionofmarriage,thesecularcase
iseffectivebecausealltruthincludingthetruthaboutmenandwomen,
marriageandfamilyisGodstruth.Assuch,ithasaninternalcoherencethat
ispartofthecreatedorder.OneneednotcreditGodwiththephysicallawsof
nature,suchasgravity,toknowthatgravityworks.Wherethephysicallaws
areviolated,breakdownoccurs.Thesamegoesforthemoralrealm:A
violationofGodsmoralorderbringschaosinhumanrelationships.The
evidenceofthatchaosisthesourceofthedailyheadlinesandthenightly
newsbroadcasts.Whenpeopleoffaithmakethecaseformarriageusingthis
kindofevidence,itislesslikelytobeperceivedas"imposingreligion."

Thereisasecularargumentforpreservingnaturalmarriageastheonlylegal
definitionofmarriageandtheonemodeloffamilylifedeservingoftaxrelief.
Themajorbuildingblocksarethese:

Nationsthatfailtoformfamiliessuffergraveconsequences,includingloss
ofworkers,lossoftaxbase,anddeclineinhumaningenuityand
productivity.
Thequestionisnotaboutdenyingindividualrightsbutaboutpromotingthe
goodofthewholesociety.
Marriageandfamilyprovidebenefitstosocietybyproducing,raising,and
educatingthenextgeneration.
Astrongfamilylifeoffersthebenefitsofmentalandemotionalhealth.
Theseblocksbuildonthefoundationofthecommongood:shared
commitmenttoasocietyorderedtothegoodofthemostmembers.

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NoMarriage,NoCivilization

Theassumptionbehindthe"cantimposereligiousvalues"argumentis
twofold:First,thattoproposeistoimposeifapersonoffaithmakesthe
proposal,andsecond,thatnaturalmarriageisvalidonlywithinareligious
framework.Bothassumptionsarefalse,butletslookmorecloselyatthe
second.

ThequestionthatCatholicscanexpecttoaddressis"Howdoeslegalizing
samesexunionsimperilnaturalmarriage?"Theshortresponseistwo
provocativequestions:"Whyhavegovernmentsregulatedmarriages
historically?Whynotleavethematterofintimaterelationshipsandfamilyto
individualsandremovethestatecompletely?"

Afterashortpause,mostpeoplerealizethatthestatehasavestedinterestin
marriageandfamilyexactlybecauseitisthebedrockofthenation.Thisisthe
lessonEuropeanpoliticiansarenowlearning(See"FamilyDayinItaly"p.14).
Samesexpairscannotbenefitthewholeofthenationbybearingthenext
generation.Thepopulationplunges,andalltheattendantillscomeroaringonto
thepoliticalandsociallandscape.Thosesameillshavebeguntoreach
Americanshoresaswell:nofamilies,nocitizens,noeconomy,nonational
future.Thestateregulates,andupuntiltherecentpast,elevated,marriageas
aparticularcategorywithintheculturetokeepthisvitalinstitutionashealthy
aspossibleforthegoodofallcitizenswhatCatholicstermthe"common
good."

GoodforAll,NotJustSome

Communitiesandnationssurvivewhereitsparticipantsactinaccordwithwhat
benefitsthewhole,notthefew.Somewillarguethatthestatehasno"right"to
preventasamesexpairfromformingaunion.Westernculturesaretoodeeply
enamoredoftheconceptof"individualrights"tosubscribeeasilytotheidea
thatindividualsoughttomoderatetheirpersonalchoicestobenefittheentire
community.Wehavebecomeanatomizedculture,inwhicheachpersonishis
ownautonomousgovernment,theSelfasSupremeCommand.Tomany,the
veryideaofthecommongoodviolates"personalrights."Butthereisno"right"
toasexualrelationship.Intruth,itismerelyapersonalchoicenotaright
thatiscircumscribed.

Thisprincipleisquicklyillustratedbyproposingananalogytotrafficlaws.
Supposeeachdriverwerepermittedtosethisownrulesoftheroadwhat
wouldhappen?Withinhoursroadswouldbestrewnwithcrashedcarsand
injuredpeople.Theresultingtrafficjamsdelayothersfromreachingwork,
school,ordoctorsappointments.Citieswouldscreechtoahalt.Thegriefand
lossoflovedoneswouldbeenormous,necessitatingdaysoffforfunerals,
griefcounselorsandallmannerofpersonalcomplications.

Thepointisthatsuchlawsareenactedforthesafetyofboththeindividualand
thepublicatlargeandservethecommongoodofthecitizens.Thecommon
goodmeanssomewilldriveslowerthantheirpreference,stopwheretheythink
theyshouldbepermittedtoproceediflefttotheirownaccord,andparkonly
wheredesignatedratherthananywheretheychoose.Thesimpletruthisno
oneobjectstoelevatingthecommongoodoverindividualpreferenceforthe
sakeoforderlytrafficandpublicsafety.Wecanmakeasimilaranalogybased
onthecareoftheenvironment.Infact,therearemanycategorieswherethe
statemakeslawsandpublicpolicybasedonwhatbestservesthewhole.

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Protectionofheterosexualmarriageissimplythestateregulatingand
protectingtheuniqueinstitutionthatformsanorderlycommunityandbenefits
thefutureofthesociety.Wemuststressthatthereisadifferencebetween
lawsmadeforthecommongoodandindividualpreferences.Lawsarenot
madetoserveindividuals.

SexMakesBabies

Afterestablishingtheconceptoftheappropriatenessofacommunal
commitmenttowhatsbestforthewholeofsociety,thenextstepistoshow
howthatprincipleappliestomarriagetoo.Howisitthatreservingmarriageto
onewomanandonemanisthebestforsociety?

Theansweriselemental:Sexispowerfulsexmakesbabies.Itseffecton
individualsandcommunitiesissuchthatitisneverunregulatedinanysociety.
Imagineaculturewheremarriageandsexualrelationshipshavenoregulations,
notaboos.Nostablefamiliesareformed,andthustheworkoffamiliesgoes
untendedormustbeassumedbythestate:Childrenarenotproperly
educated,childrenandwomenareabandoned,nooneisresponsibleforsick
familymembersortheelderly,becausewhereallarefamily,nonearefamily,
merelyautonomousindividualswithwhomyouhavehadatemporaryliaison.
Inheritancelawshavenomeaning,andthecommunityismarredbyjealousies,
sexualviolence,andpedophilia.

Clearly,this"freelove"modeldoesnotwork,sincenosuchmodelofaculture
haseversurvived.Inearlysocietiesorprimitivetribalsocietiesoftoday,
chiefsregulatesexualrelationshipsprincipallyviamarriagessothatthe
wholeoftheircommunitydoesnotdevolveintoviolentchaos.Thisexample
helpspeopleenvisionthetruthaboutthemeaningofsexotherthanasa
personalactivity.

Inanargumentforasecularaudience,wemustpointoutthatthepreservation
ofmarriageisnotanegativeforceagainstpersonalchoices.Thosechoices
arenotmadeillegalbypreservingnaturalmarriageastheonlymodelof
marriagelegallyrecognizedbythestate.Inactuality,preservingthedefinition
preservesthetruththatmenandwomenmakebabiesmenandwomenand
theirbabiesmakefamilies.Toacknowledgethatobservablerealityinno
mannerdetractsforthelegalfreedomtomakea"lifestylechoice."

WhatAboutSameSexRights?

Advocatesofsamesexunionsofteninsistthatbecause10percentofthe
populationishomosexual,somelegalprovisionoughttobemadeforthemto
establishfamilies.Butthatisanerroneousfigurereliablestatisticsputthe
numberatcloserto35percent.The10percentfigureisapoliticalnumberthat
hasbeenlargelymanufacturedbythehomosexuallobby.Muchastheabortion
movementcraftedstatisticstomovepublicopinion,sotoohaveadvocates
exaggeratedthenumbersofpersonswithhomosexualinclinations.

Othersobjectthatsamesexpairscanbeparentsandprovideforfamilies.To
rebutthissuggestion,wecanremarkthattheycannotwithoutenormous
bendingofthenaturalprocess,bothphysicalandpsychological.Thelegal
woesofsurrogatemothersandsharedparentagewheresamesexpairshave
splitupisaknottedtanglewherethechildisthevictim,ascelebritycases
havedemonstrated.Thepsychologicalconfusionandeducationfailuresof
childrenraisedinsamesexhouseholdsiswidelydocumented.

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Fewmoderatemindedpeoplehavethoughtabouttheactuallivesofchildren
exposedtosamesexhouseholds.Childrenraisedinsamesexenvironments
arefivetimesaslikelytosufferphysicalabuse,sexualabuse,orneglect.
AIDSandsexuallytransmitteddiseasesreducethelifeexpectancyof
homosexualpersons,increasingthelikelihoodofearlylossofaparentor
surrogateparent.

Withthesefactsinmind,wemustbeawarethatpossiblyfewothersubjectsin
ournationareasdifficulttoapproachasthestatusofsamesexunions.Allof
usknowandlovepersonswhostruggletofindbalanceandcontentment
betweentheirpublicandprivatelives.ItiscrucialforCatholicstounderstand
theanguishthistopiccancauseamongpeopleofgoodwill.Thosewho
promotesamesexunionsseektoeasethehurttheyseeintheirlovedones
andcoworkers.Theirintentionistobecompassionate.Ourgoalinasecular
discussionisnottoshowwhyhomosexualactsarewrong.Rather,wemust
beginwithapositiveapproach.Ourgoalistoshowhowpreservingand
strengtheningmarriagesandfamiliesisthebestforthewholeofsociety,
includingthosewithsamesexattraction.Wemusttakecaretoavoidatoneor
avocabularythatstigmatizesanyperson.

JointheDebate

Weliveina"postChristian"erathathasturnedadeafeartoScripture,but
thatishungryfortruth.Thissituationshowstheurgencyofthelayvocation.
Thestateistheregulatorofwhatthecommongoodis,and,inourWestern
democracies,thestatetakesitscuesfromthepeople.Thisiswhyour
Catholicparticipationinreasonedpublicdebateissocriticaltotheprocess.

Wherewillsuchdiscussionstakeplace?Themosteffectiveexchangearises
outofanaturalsituation.Perhapsyourstatehasmarriageamendmentsunder
consideration.Thatisanopportunitytobecomeinvolvedinapoliticaldefense
ofmarriage.OthernaturalopportunitiesincludePTAmeetings(where
textbookspromotingsamesexunionscouldbeopposed)atthesoccerfield
whereotherparentsgatherinyourparish.

Byengagingothersindiscussionsaboutproposedlegalizationofsamesex
unions,Catholicscanaccomplishmuch.Inmanycasesyoumaybeknownas
apracticingCatholicwhoneveronce"pushedreligion"duringtheconversation.
Itwillnotbelostonyouraudiencethatyoumadepersuasive,cogentpoints
thatreferredonlytothecivicconsequences.Soonenoughitwilloccurtothem
towonder,"HowisitthatwhattheBibleandCatholicChurchteachisalso
whatisbestforourcommunities?"Thatquestionisapowerfulevangelizing
tool.

SIDEBAR

SheNeedsaFather,NotaSpermDonor
byDonaldDeMarco

IhaveaCatholicfriendwhoisblessedwiththefortuitouscombinationof
strikinggoodlooks,personalcharm,musicalability,andapostoliczeal.These
giftsareaninvaluableassetforhiminhisspecialmissionofreachingoutto
troubledteenagers.Hehasworkedwithyoungpeoplebetween12and20for
morethantenyears,andhehasheardmanysadandshockingtalesofwoe.
Butarecentpersonalrevelationsetevenhimalittlebackonhisheels.

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Hewasgettingreadyforoneofhistalkswhenhekeptnoticingagirl,16years
ofage,whocouldnottakehereyesoffhim.Finally,sheapproachedhimwith
acuriousquestion:"Doyouknowhowtosurf?"Thequerywas,atfirst,merely
baffling.Whenhetoldhisyoungadmirerthathehad,indeed,donealittle
surfing,hesawhereyeslightupwithexcitement.Then,herfacebrimming
withhope,sherevealedthemeaningbehindhercuriousquestion:"Myparents
aregayandmymothergotpregnantfromaspermdonorwhowasasurfer
dude.Iwaswonderingifyouweremyfather."

Thesparkleinhereyesquicklyvanishedwhenheinformedherthathecould
nothavefatheredher.Thepainhefelt,witnessinghersuddendejection,
impelledhimtoofferhersomehopeandconsolation:"Tobehonest,IwishI
wereyourfatherbecauseIcanseehowbeautifulyourheartis."Howimportant
itis,asPopeJohnPaulIIpointedoutinLoveandResponsibility,tobe
"spiritualparents"foryoungpeople."Spiritualkinshipbasedontheunionof
souls,"hewrote,"isoftenstrongerthanthekinshipcreatedbythebloodtie.
Spiritualpaternityandmaternityinvolveacertaintransmissionofpersonality"
(261).

Myfriendwillcontinuetoministertothisgirlasaretreatmasterandfriendand
praysthatshemightresolvehersearchinapersonalrelationshipwithher
heavenlyFather.Butheranguishanddesperationistrulyheartbreaking.

AChildsHopefulHeart

Thedesiretoknowonesfatherisbothnaturalandineradicable.Itisacruel
andthoughtlessacttobringachildintotheworldwhiledeliberatelydepriving
thatchildofknowledgeofhisfather.The16yearoldgirlknowsintuitivelythat
hermommysgirlfrienddoesnotsatisfyherneedforafather.Childrensneeds
areusuallyfarmorerealisticthanadultdesires.Howunjustparentsarewhen
theirpersonaldesiresareincompatiblewiththeirchildrensspiritualneeds.

Willthisyoungwomancontinuetoapproachathleticmenwhoarecomplete
strangerstoherandaskwhichofthemmightbeherfather?Herownbiological
fatherhadnoconcernforherspiritualneedswhatsoever.Itwouldbeamercyif
shenevermethim.Ontheotherhand,itwouldbeablessingforhertomeeta
spiritualfatherwhocanministertoherneeds.

TheVaticandocumentonreproductivetechnology,DonumVitae("Giftof
Life"),tellsus:

Heterologous[involvingathirdparty]fertilizationviolatesthe
rightsofthechilditdepriveshimofhisfilialrelationshipwith
hisparentaloriginsandcanhinderthematuringofhis
personalidentity...Suchdamagetothepersonal
relationshipswithinthefamilyhasrepercussionsoncivil
society.(DV5II)

Anotherfriendofmine,knowntoherreadersasMaggieGallagher,returnedto
theCatholicChurch"becauseofitsrealistic,upliftingteachingsonloveand
family."Maggiemakesabsolutelynoconcessionstopoliticalcorrectnessor
voguishideas."Wehavetostoppretending,"shewrites,"thatallchoicesare
equallygoodthatsinglemotherhoodisjustanalternatefamilyformandthat
fathersarejustanothernewdisposableiteminthenursery."

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AndhowdoesMaggieunderstandachildsneedforafather?"Childrennot
onlyneedafather,theylongforone,irrationally,withalltheundilutedstrength
ofachildshopefulheart."

FathersAreNot"Lifestyle"Options

KarinHoenig,asinglemom,remembersthedaywhenherdaughter,barely
threeatthetime,cametoherwiththeinevitablequestion,"DoIhavea
daddy?"Ms.Hoenig,aNewYorkCitynurseryschoolteacher,knewthatthe
realstoryisfartoocomplicatedandthereforegaveherdaughterasimplified
version:"No,youdonthaveadaddy.Buttherewasamanwhoprovidedthe
seedIneededtomakeababy"("SingleMothersbyChoice,"NewYorkTimes,
August5,1993).This"agricultural"explanationdoesnotbegintodealwiththe
voidthischildhasinnothavingafather.A"seed"isnotanadequate
replacementforadaddy.Nochildhaseverhadanaturaldesireforamommy
andaseed!

"SingleMothersbyChoice,"isanationalorganizationwith3,000members
spreadoutover20chapters.Butrationalizations,workshops,andnewsletters
willnevereffaceachildsneedforafather.Wouldtherhetoricof"Single
MothersbyChoice"havebroughtpeaceofmindtothelikesofMarilyn
Monroe,totakebutonenotoriousexample,whosedesperatesearchinginthe
wrongplacesforherfatherledtohertragicdownfall?

Thereisnopoliticalorrhetoricalsolutiontotheproblemoffatherlessness.The
needforafatherisnatural,justasnaturalastheneedforfood,love,peace,
happiness,and,mostofall,forGod.Fathersarenotmerelylifestyleoptions,
asmanyhavebeendupedintobelieving.Theyare,inaword,indispensable.

TheNobelPrizewinningnovelist,AlbertCamus,waskilledattheageof46in
acarcrashnearParisin1960.Nearthewreckage,investigatorsfoundablack
briefcasethatcontained144pagesofanautobiographicalnovelhehadbeen
preparing.Whenitwasfinallypublished,34yearslater,itcontainedthese
poignantwords,reflectinghowmuchhelostwhenhisfatherwaskilledinthe
FirstWorldWarin1914:"Itriedtodiscoverasachildwhatwasrightand
wrongsincenoonearoundcouldtellme.AndnowIrecognizethateverything
hadabandonedme,thatIneedsomeonetoshowmetheway,toblameand
praiseme...Ineedafather."

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