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Chuckleberry
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Of Minds and Wings
Summer 2015
Time For Change?
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December 2016
The Road To Chuckleberry
November 2016
On August 8th 2015 I flew back to Vancouver.
After my brothers accident and spending 5 weeks at home October 2016
ever describe.
I opened my heart at Chuckleberry. I wanted to feel Comments RSS
it all.
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The Message
It was already night time now. I felt angry inside for being
back here with him and fighting right away. I didnt
understand, on Skype before we couldnt wait to be
together again and here we are having senseless anger
spreading.
So I asked.
Yes.
I dont want you to hate yourself! I forgive you, I still love you
anyway, this wont change a thing, nothing can change it. I
said.
I still felt a bit numb. But I didnt want to run away. I wanted
the whole story though. I wanted our relationship to be one
of truth and integrity if it should continue to be one. So he
told me. Everything. Even details. THEY hurt! My mind
recreated the whole scene and played it in a loop non stop.
What a mind war.
We said good night in peace and even shared the bed. The
only bed anyway. There were no real options to go to as I
didnt know the place well enough yet. Plus I was
exhausted. I figured what the hell I can sleep here.
The next morning I awoke before 6am and went for a run in
the morning sun. It felt amazing. I felt so strong. Running
was easy and joyful, the nature left me stunned. Have I ever
seen anything more beautiful? This forrest. The sun! The
fresh water stream running next to me. Am I breathing
gold? Life just bursted out of me. I was sprinting, laughing
out loud. I couldnt believe it. How can I feel so good? What
is happening? And why do I have so much power I havent
been doing any sports in a long time!
Before breakfast I met HER. I met Gillia. She stood all alone
in the kitchen starting to prepare her breakfast.
It left me thinking.
Do you want to join the work now? It will be good doing some
simple tasks allowing the mind to rest.
I dont know. Im scared to cry in front of the others. I said.
Oh just cry then! Dont worry about it. This is the right place
to do this. You can just cry.
Facing the deep fear here and now opened new doors for
me.
I entered and was welcomed by warm smiles and genuine
heartfelt energy. As if they would understand. Just like that.
Even though they knew nothing. Even though I was late for
work, did less work than they did. Usually someone would
teach me a lesson. You can not do that. Who do you think
you are. You have to do the job well. More discipline please.
This place was different than any other I have ever been
before.
12.06.2015
This was the time I started writing. I just had to get it out.
Writing it down calmed the war in my mind. As well as
music did.
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Never before have I been as open as I am now.
I am holding my heart fully open and it is treating
me well.
It is also the time of my highest vulnerability.
I felt happy.
John continued: And the belief you had that you were not
able to help yourself is from now on invalid. You just proved
how much indeed you are able to help yourself!
What is my passion?
When I find out, then will I know how to help
myself, then will I know what I need and what I
want.
My passion is the meaning of my life.
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She will make me blossom.
want.
My passion is the meaning of my life.
She will make me blossom.
She shall burn.
Never cease.
I want to feel my soul.
Just the way she is.
I know I love her.
She loves me.
We are one.
I want to break her free.
She shall unfold.
With no remains.
For her I want the path of freedom.
I want to remove all obstacles.
She shall remember her full beauty.
Shall fly.
Like dreams.
That I catch to rise.
Flying high until eternity.
They are here.
Can feel them, hear, smell, taste them.
Wish to see.
Whatever happened to the teenage dream?
It may come back now.
Im ready.
Im proud to be who I am.
Im proud of all things Ive done and created in my
life.
My soul starts meeting me regularly.
Moving forward.
Its time to realize.
This Magic Moment.
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I feel horrible when you spend time together. Im not good at
handling it. I feel alone. And scared. I cant think of anything
else when I know you are alone somewhere. My mind takes
me making me believe that something might happen again.
That you could not just talk. Im sorry. I just wanted to tell
you. How I feel. I feel like an idiot.
Yes. He said.
How often?
Two times.
They just told me they had sex again! He lied to me. He lied
to my face! All that time. He lied for three weeks!! He made
me believe its all in my head. But I knew. I knew the whole Page 16 / 58
to my face! All that time. He lied for three weeks!! He made
me believe its all in my head. But I knew. I knew the whole
time. I had this feeling. But I thought Im the crazy one.
That was the only thing that made sense now. I needed to
calm down, I wanted help. I needed help. This was
something I can not help myself with. I drank a glass of
water then grabbed my bag and went over to Johns house.
It must have been midnight already. But I needed to speak
to him now. I carefully opened the door and went inside. I
called his name up the stairs as quiet as I could. He
answered with a tired and calm voice.
Yes?
Ok. This was good enough for now, the only option anyway.
I went back up to go to sleep. At the gate I heard someone
coming down the hill. Last second I saw its Gillia. We didnt
look at each other and passed in silence. I walked up.
You lied to my face. I asked you the other night, you wouldnt
do something that you wouldnt tell me and you said no.
He was broken and sorry and didnt know what to do. And
suddenly I had a nudge again.
I knew Gillia had fallen in love with him. I knew it from the
beginning. I did see it in her eyes. I felt compassion for her.
Because I know how it feels when you crave someones
closeness.
I was afraid of loosing him more than I was hurt. But here I
faced my next false core belief I dont exist, Im not
important. I f e l t f o r g o t t e n , d i s r e s p e c t e d a n d m o s t l y
completely unable to understand. This was the time of
healing, of facing ourselves, of digging deep. At
Chuckleberry we had sharing circles, breath work, sound
healing circles, yoga, deep emotional conversations. The
perfect place to find out who you are and who you want to
be. To make changes. Sebastian and I wanted to do this. We
wanted to become better versions of ourselves. Pure. The
real us.
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A Moment of Letting Go Heavenly
Miracles
Tears of joy came straight after the smile. Turned into loud
laughter and into tears again. I was completely letting go
now! What a moment of feeling myself, feeling alive, just
being! I dont remember if I ever was any more happy in my
life as in this moment.
The next morning out of the blue John told me that his
friend just called and said there was an UFO seen hovering
over a hotel in Nelson for some hours last night. I broke
down in tears as I realized it was real. What happened
yesterday was real. I wasnt on drugs. Im not crazy. What I
felt was real. IT is real.
Its Time
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It truly is too much for a soul and not healthy nor
wanted. If something doesnt feel right, its time to
let go. Clinging on it will only make it worse. Until
you face the moment where you must let go. This
was it. Here and now.
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Freedom? Maybe This Intuition
though
She would leave the farm now soon. I didnt want her to
leave. It felt like loosing my own child the day she drove
away. The parents left behind while the child explores the
world.
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I hate being ordinary.
I want to be the one. The one and only. I want it all.
I want to shine. I want to leave footprints. I want to
make changes.
I want healing surrounding me.
I want inventions, passion, art, playing, sex, limits,
risks.
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I want to create.
I want inventions, passion, art, playing, sex, limits,
risks.
I want to create.
Whatever I feel I want to bring to life. It shall live
forever.
Imagination becomes reality.
I want magic and dreams.
I want flying high and floating in space. I want to
hold hands.
Being part of something bigger than myself.
I want to change something everything.
Bringing back what has been here before. What got
lost.
Loosen and erasing the fear. Fear of ending up alone
in this world.
Of not finding hold, of falling and never landing.
Loneliness.
Frustration, anger, madness, sickness.
I want to play, to feel the lust for life, to dance and
sing, to jump and scream, to let go and fall in love,
to imagine what doesnt exist.
To fall in love with everyone I see.
To help and shake hands, to heal wounds, to cry of
happiness, to dance in the rain, to jump into the
snow.
To count all the stars. To fly to the moon.
To eat out of my hands and drink from the pure
source.
To flow with the waves and to hear the whales
singing.
Surrounded by water, my element of choice that
keeps me alive, that nourishes me, keeps me save
and holds me.
Gives me ability to sink but never drown.
To fly and float with no direction needed.
Always knocking and opening because you trust.
Going into the night. Shining as your own guiding
light.
Sailing the seven seas and giving birth every single
day.
Walking on a rainbow with colors youve never seen
before.
But you know it feels like home. Like the place you
never knew existed.
But you were searching for it every second. Hoping
god creates it for you.
And when you realized you lost all your trust, when
you lost it all.
You suddenly find yourself inside the doorstep. And
now you can choose.
You dont think. You know youre gonna jump. You
want to fall again.
Its what you crave. Its all you know. Its your own
secret.
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Your body starts smiling, your blood jumping, your
Its what you crave. Its all you know. Its your own
secret.
Your body starts smiling, your blood jumping, your
skin vibrating, your hair flying. You cant hide
anymore. You know it.
What was always there shows itself to you now.
Your own inner dream world.
Everything you always wanted you find inside now.
You start touching it, smelling it. You cant resist.
You eat it all. Until its gone.
And you realize. You are surrounded by yourself.
You feel save and secure.
You feel like the universe. Exploding inside.
Expanding without getting bigger. You breath for
the first time.
You hold your inner mirror. Who is this anyway?
3. Send me an Angel
Did I say Gillia had left? I did. And now she was coming
back! Ha. This life. I felt happy and scared at the same time.
Happiness won though. In the end it felt amazing having
her back. One of the first nights she was back we danced on
the roof for hours celebrating life and us and love. I will
never forget this! We truly are sisters. We listened to my
Magic Mushroom playlist created when I was high on Page 35 / 58
never forget this! We truly are sisters. We listened to my
Magic Mushroom playlist created when I was high on
shrooms for the first time really. David Bowie, Simon &
Garfunkel, Beatles, Elton John my favorite playlist ever!!
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Jahn, Jeremiah, Ghislaine
This day was also the day I wanted to try LSD for the first
time as I heard endless beautiful stories about moving
forward on the spiritual path with its support. I asked Nico
to do this together and he was touched that I trusted him
so much to ask something like this.
It was eight of us entering the world of LSD. It was a holy
most spiritual ritual for us. Sacred and honored. We didnt
do it for fun. We did it to enter dimensions.
It was me. This is all about me. There is no one else. Its all
illusion. Everything is me. And me is all. Its all set up just for
me. I felt how Nico is just part of the game, sent to let me
discover real true deep love. I realized what I felt for him is
not love for him but love for myself.
I cried out loud. I cried out of happiness. Could it be? I love
myself so much? That is love! Now I know!
On the way back I saw Nico standing there. Its good to have
you back. he said. I had no mind and no fear anymore. I was
only me now. And I knew who this guy was. His name here
is Nico, but he isnt Nico I knew. I remembered who he
was as a soul. I didnt get his name but I knew he is this
warrior. Always on the go to light up other souls. He brings
joy to the people. His thing always used to be to take his
mission too seriously that he would forget he deserved
little breaks and a life of love for himself indeed. This was so
like him! He did it again. Oh well. I felt the deepest
compassion and eternal love. He completely lived for his
mission. More than dedicated. I just totally knew. This kind
and courages soul always fighting for the good.
Nico and I slept next to each other the whole night making
sure one part of our bodies would always touch the other. I
couldnt sleep but I was dreaming visions of the future. My
life was saved. There was nothing to fear. I would always be
fine now. Because I had found him, my eternal love, lying
next to me.
Love is here
Love is you and me
When we are together
And when we are alone
Love is touch
Love is your heartbeat
Love is your smile
Love dances inside
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Love sets you free
Love is your smile
Love dances inside
Love sets you free
The next day Nico and I sat by the fire outside under the
stars. I remember him saying after this extraordinary
experience last night, I just wanna be with you.
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Last night he just stood in the kitchen listening to
music.
To that one song. Save tonightTomorrow Ill be
goneDont you cry
He taught me Its all so stupidevery song is only
written for youto predict the future
COULD IT BE???
Two days later Police came to the farm. Jahn was reported
missing. My throat is still closing when I think about it.
They searched everything. Found nothing.
Later outside we found his diary, for some reason he had
left it for us nobody forgets his diary.
Page 49 / 58
Empty. Nobody was there.
Two days later the news reported having found Jahn dead
in a river nearby.
Hello Jahn!
Nico and I
Page 50 / 58
He had become the love of my life. Each night we walked
He had become the love of my life. Each night we walked
hand in hand to his trailer. Each night we talked about the
stars, the miracles of life. We could just sit or lie and be in
each others energy and we would be in heaven.
It did happen. And it was not like the kisses, it was purely
amazing. So true, so vulnerable, so pure. Like a miracle.
I belong to Nobody
I felt like the whole world is mine sitting with him in the
dark. Doing nothing, chasing time became the most special
thing in space.
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I started reading it right after I finished the picture.
The day before I left, Yves who had just arrived some days
ago, looked at me and said:
You are the Yellow Girl. You shine. You light up this place.
Then they drove away. Not knowing if we will ever see each
other again.
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