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Transactional Analysis
Berne devised the concept of ego states to help explain how we are made
up, and how we relate to others. These are drawn as three stacked circles
and they are one of the building blocks of Transactional Analysis. They
categorise the ways we think, feel and behave and are called Parent, Adult,
and Child. Each ego state is given a capital letter to denote the difference
between actual parents, adults and children. We will all go in and out of
the various states however it is to what degree we are living in the states,
especially ones that are unhealthy that we may want to bring to
consciousness so we can alter these states.
Parent States:
This is a set of feelings, thinking and behaviour that we have copied from
our parents and significant others.
As we grow up we take in ideas, beliefs, feelings and behaviours from our
parents and caretakers. If we live in an extended family then there are
more people to learn and take in from. When we do this, it is called
introjecting and it is just as if we take in the whole of the care giver. For
example, we may notice that we are saying things just as our father,
mother, grandmother may have done, even though, consciously, we don't
want to. We do this as we have lived with this person so long that we
automatically reproduce certain things that were said to us, or treat others
as we might have been treated.
Critical Parent:
Need to: Need to, comes from a place of fear, desperation or scarcity
thinking, it is just another form of pressure. A healthier approach would be
to use the words, I want, I choose, I prefer.
Why?: When we ask the question why, we are looking for a specific answer
and what ends up happening is that we often will end up with no answer
and asking the same question over and over or we will ask another
question. It may feel like we are going crazy as we go around and around in
circles and it can feel like it is obsessive.
The should have to, need to and whys are the main languages a critical
parent will use, and quite often our voice will be raised when we are in this
state, or we will have a tone to our voice. However, even if we are not
yelling or do not have a tone, and we are speaking in a regular voice yet we
are still using those words, the person on the receiving end will want to
tune us out or do the exact opposite even if we have a valid view point.
The reason for this is because how our communication will end up landing
for the person is that we are judging, criticizing, controlling, blaming and in
some cases shaming. If we are around ourselves, or someone else that
continues to come from this mode of communicating it can add to more
stress, worry, anger, depression and anxiety.
If you are physically busy, always on the go, more accomplishment based or
mentally busy a constant to do list, thinking I will be happy, when x,y,z
occurs and when it does something else takes its place.
from this place, we are probably not connected to ourself let alone others
as we are living from the past or future, not the present moment.
Self Doubt
Guilt
There is rational guilt and irrational guilt. Rational guilt is when your
action directly caused something to happen, such as a car accident.
Irrational guilt is when there is no direct correlation, yet you feel guilty.
Guilt is a form of self-punishment, it is a destructive form of control.
someone is attempting to guilt you, then you know they are coming from
their critical parent place, if you are allowing it then you are in your own
critical parent place.
Perfectionism
If you are coming from a place of wanting things perfect or having really
high standards more to the point of being unrealistic then you know you are
in the critical parent mode.
When we are in the critical parent mode of thinking we are living in our
head. Our head is cut off from our body. We are basically listening to a
voice that sounds like our voice, however it is a chatter box that has been
developed over the years based on beliefs and values and thoughts from our
main caregivers, people of influence, culture etc.
have served us as a child and most likely are now outdated and cause us
more pain to refer to when we are older.
Many of our beliefs or values that are coming from the critical mode of
thinking are usually limiting to us, disempowering or negative.
usually formulated by the time we are age 8. Sometimes we are told things
directly or it can be implied and they create a belief.
thought we agree to whether it be negative or positive and that is repeated
over and over. For example, if you were told that you were stupid or not
smart, and you decided it was true for you, then you create a file called
Im not smart, and then you will collect evidence to prove it right.
though it goes against us, as humans we love to be right, and if we agreed
to it, we will keep collecting evidence as it is our familiar, it is something
we know and it give us this false sense of control over ourselves.
may sabotage ourselves in this area, until we bring to conscious awareness
where the belief formulated and that we can alter this thought pattern.
Why is the Critical Parent called the False Self?
The critical parent is called your false self as you were born a ball of love.
You were born trusting, full of self expression, connected, etc and then
over time, as a child you experienced little wounds and big wounds that
placed conditions on you and then you learned to conform to survive in the
meantime forgetting some or all of who you truly are.
was born to protect you. Given this was all learned, it can be unlearned to
remember who you are, it just takes a willingness to become conscious, an
awareness of what you want and practice which may mean learning new
skills of living and loving yourself.
Nuturing Parent:
Physical Aspect
Physical Needs: Did your parent take you to the doctors, dentist, fed you,
clothed you, basically take care of your physical needs, if not this could be
constituted as neglect.
Physical Touch: Research shows how important for young babies and
children to receive healthy physical touch in the form of snuggles, hugs and
kisses. Also for the child to witness caregivers expressing appropriate touch
to one another. On the other side of the coin, the child may grow up in a
sterile environment where there is no touch, or worse yet witness or
experience physical, sexual abuse.
Emotional Aspect:
This area is just as important as the physical however it is a bit more tricky
in terms of being met it seems. Ideally we want our caregivers to create a
safe home and to role model how it looks like in a healthy way to display
our emotions whether it be anger, sadness, joy, stress anxiety.
are okay it is a matter of how we display them. In past generations
children that are now parents may have received messages that emotions
are not okay to display at all, or they may have been witnessed to
unhealthy forms of emotion such as anger. Messages from that generation
may have been children are to be seen, not heard, and do as I say, not
as I do. As well, institutions such as churches and schools believes in this
critical parent mode of thinking and acting and they may have used the
strap or ruler as a form of discipline. Spankings were of the norm and even
physical abuse to a certain degree was tolerated.
supports to know anything different. Thus in todays society children
demand to be parented differently as they know they are in a democratic
society and they know their rights. Parents coming from the critical parent
mode of being raised may not know how to do this, so as a society we are in
transition in this area.
Words of Encouragement
Words of encouragement are vitally important such as I believe in you, you
can do it, I love you, different than praise which is conditional and reflects
the good girl and boy thinking. On the other side children may not receive
any form of feedback which can have an impact or worse than that would
be putdowns such as you are an idiot, stupid, useless, lazy etc.
Comparisons
Comparisons will have a child feel less than or more than, never good
enough just as they are. Why cant you be like your sister, or brother?
Sometimes parents do not compare, yet children do it at school or in
activities.
Adult State:
The Adult ego state is about direct responses to the here and now. We deal
with things that are going on today in ways that are not unhealthily
influenced by our past.
The Adult ego state is about being spontaneous and aware with the capacity
for intimacy. When in our Adult we are able to see people as they are,
rather than what we project onto them. We ask for information rather than
stay scared and rather than make assumptions. Taking the best from the
past and using it appropriately in the present is an integration of the
positive aspects of both our Parent and Child ego states. So this can be
called the Integrating Adult. Integrating means that we are constantly
updating ourselves through our every day experiences and using this to
inform us.
The Integrating Adult ego state circle is placed in the middle to show how it
needs to orchestrate between the Parent and the Child ego states. For
example, the Critica Parent ego state may beat up on the internal Child,
saying "You are no good, look at what you did wrong again, you are useless".
The Child may then respond with "I am no good, look how useless I am, I
never get anything right". Many people hardly hear this kind of internal
dialogue as it goes on so much they might just believe life is this way. An
effective Integrating Adult ego state can intervene between the Parent and
Child ego states. This might be done by stating that this kind of parenting is
not helpful and asking if it is prepared to learn another way. Alternatively,
the Integrating Adult ego state can just stop any negative dialogue and
decide to develop another positive Parent ego state perhaps taken in from
other people they have met over the years.
Personal Responsibility
One element of being in the adult is coming from a place of personal
responsibility for yourself and your life, not from a have to perspective
but rather a choiceful place. If you come from a have to perspective
then you are coming from the critical parent place putting pressure on
yourself, the adult is about choices. You may not like your choices, and
sometimes our choices are not always warm and fuzzy, sometimes it means
saying and doing something that takes something from you, yet you know in
your heart it is the best thing for you.
I like to describe the adult as having a coach, mentor or guide on your
side. Pretend you are learning a new skill and you make a mistake, the
adult would say to you way to go for being in action and giving it your
best, the critical parent voice would say you idiot, you messed up, suck it
up, get over it etc.
Clear Boundaries
The second element of the adult state is knowing your boundaries.
you have clear healthy boundaries you are in the adult state.
example, someone does something that causes you to be angry,
personal responsibility of the adult would check in with you and say Im
feeling angry, what is unfair as anger means unfairness, do I want to
respond to this person? If you are still in reactionary mode the adult
would say to the person, I am upset and would like to talk to you about
this and I am not yet ready, can we talk tomorrow?
reaction instead, then chances are you have taken yourself to the critical
parent mode or child state and will lose the power of being in the adult
even if you have a valid viewpoint, as it now will be about your reaction.
Usually we have a strong sense of our adult in one area more so than
another, such as career verus relationship or vice versa.
want our adult state to be strong across all areas.
children growing up did not have caregivers role modelling a healthy sense
of their adult state or trust thus as adults even talking about trust can be
scary as it may mean learning how to let go of control and this may feel like
a death to some people. Trusting oneself is like learning a brand new skill,
just like a baby learns to crawl and walk...it takes time.
Child States:
The Child ego state is a set of behaviours, thoughts and feelings which are
replayed from our own childhood.
Perhaps the boss calls us into his or her office, we may immediately get a
churning in our stomach and wonder what we have done wrong. If this were
explored we might remember the time the head teacher called us in to tell
us off. Of course, not everything in the Child ego state is negative. We
might go into someone's house and smell a lovely smell and remember our
grandmother's house when we were little, and all the same warm feelings
we had at six year's of age may come flooding back.
Both the Parent and Child ego states are constantly being updated. For
example, we may meet someone who gives us the permission we needed as
a child, and did not get, to be fun and joyous. We may well use that person
in our imagination when we are stressed to counteract our old ways of
thinking that we must work longer and longer hours to keep up with
everything. We might ask ourselves "I wonder what X would say now". Then
on hearing the new permissions to relax and take some time out, do just
that and then return to the work renewed and ready for the challenge.
Subsequently, rather than beating up on ourselves for what we did or did
not do, what tends to happen is we automatically start to give ourselves
new permissions and take care of ourselves.
Alternatively, we might have had a traumatic experience yesterday which
goes into the Child ego state as an archaic memory that hampers our
growth. Positive experiences will also go into the Child ego state as archaic
memories. The positive experiences can then be drawn on to remind us that
positive things do happen.
The process of analysing personality in terms of ego states is called
structural analysis. It is important to remember that ego states do not have
an existence of their own, they are concepts to enable understanding.
Therefore it is important to say "I want some fun" rather than "My Child
wants some fun". We may be in our Child ego state when we say this, but
saying "I" reminds us to take responsibility for our actions.
Free Child
This is where a child is naturally playful, curious, spontaneous, fun loving,
easy going. Sometimes parents may give messages to children that it is not
okay to be a child, grow up, this is more rare however it does occur.
commonly is when it happy indirectly that a child experiences something
that has the child grow up. For example, if there is a moody or addictive
parent, the child learns to walk around on egg shells around that parents
mood or addiction. The child may be bullied at home or school, witness
marital discord, trauma, death, the eldest child may be expected to take
care of the younger siblings or in some cases the parent.
then is the child loses out on some aspect or all aspects of being a free
child, and experiences wounding in this area. When we become aware of
this it is important for us to grieve this aspect and learn to reintroduce play
back into our life as an individual, as a couple or as a family unit.
example, play may mean reading a book to someone, going to a movie,
going out with friends. Etc. When we have a healthy sense of play our life
will be more balanced.
Little Professor
This is all about creativity. We may be creative with singing, arts and
crafts, our imagination and even if we do not have a talent in say singing,
we all have elements of creativity, it is a matter of giving ourselves
permission to tap into it. We may be a fantastic cook, or have a superb
sense of style or beautiful way of decorating our home.
we allow ourselves to be the more we will be on purpose and connected to
our true self. If this has been repressed in any fashion, once again we want
to grieve this area and learn how to reintroduce creativity back into our
life.
If you would like Tara can work with you on an individual basis to further
apply this model to your life and come up with effective strategies that will
create breakthrough results for you if you apply them.
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