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By: Jessica A.

LeMin
Copyright  2006 by Jessica A. LeMin

All work contained herein are the direct and


original work of the author. No part of this book
contains the work of any other person or
publication.

Printed in the United States of America.

This edition is published by Jessica A. LeMin and


Cafepress.com. All rights reserved. No part of this
book may be used or reproduced, stored in
retrieval system, or transmitted in any manner
whatsoever, or by any means electronic,
mechanical, recording, or otherwise without the
prior & direct written permission of the Author.
For more information address
Jessica A. LeMin, Email: Jay2thaess@yahoo.com

Cover Photos by: Joe Singleton


http://www.Joe singleton.com

Find Jess online at: http://www.myspace.com/jay2thaess


Dedication:

This book is dedicated to my mother Elizabeth


Gentile, my wife Ximena and our two boys John and
Anthony. It’s also dedicated to my grandfather George
Georgalas. All of the aforementioned encouraged me to
be myself and pursue my dreams. It's also dedicated to
all of my other friends and family members who have
believed in and encouraged me, or helped me throughout
the difficult years. I would also like to make a special
dedication for all who are supporting this first
publication

I hope that my words can inspire at least one of you in


some way.
About the Author

Jessica LeMin was born in Middletown, NY


and raised primarily in Myrtle Beach, SC. She was
the only daughter of her two parents. The two
divorced while the author was very young. Her
father remarried quickly, and Jess was raised by
her father and step-mother alongside 3 step-sisters.
During her childhood she often felt as if she
were a mere outsider to the rest of the family.
Spending her formative years in a very disturbing
household the author turned to writing as a means
to “escape the madness.“ By the age of 14 Jess had
moved back and forth between New York and
South Carolina several times, and often found
comfort in the families travels.
By the time she ended her teen years Jess
had attended close to a dozen schools, lived in
temporary foster care, a youth shelter for teens,
and been homeless.
During the 5 years or so that she was
homeless, Jess carried a back pack full of only
spiral notebooks, a copy of Jack Kerouac's On The
Road, and a chess board, which she would often sit
down and play with anyone, “as long as the
conversation was good!”.
Her philosophy was that if she watched
others, and studied hard maybe she could learn
how to be one of "them". She enjoyed the ideas of
others and found their worlds to be quite
interesting.
Writing poetry was one of the only outlets
for the young author who often felt as if she were
nothing more than a child who had been dropped
off in the middle of Times Square and told to
"survive". She formed an intense attachment to
other poets whose lives seemed to mirror hers.
She found herself idolizing and
romanticisizing over friendships with such writers
as Charles Bukowski, Jack Kerouac, Jim Morrison,
and even Kurt Cobain.
Now at the age of twenty-seven Jessica
LeMin, has at last completed her first book entitled
Gypsy.
The author currently lives in Los Angeles,
CA along with her domestic partner Ximena; They
are raising two boys. Jess plans to continue writing
poetry and has even written a reality show about
being her experiences being homeless, which is
presently in negotiations.
Table of Contents

What the World Needs Now


Planetarium Days
The Bench
What the World Needs Now
Let’s Get Things Straight
Don’t Wait
Talk About Irony
Freedom Isn’t Free
Kendall
Lost, Love
She
So that's what it feels like
An Ode to the one I love
The Mingling of Lovers
A Tribute (of sorts)
Staten Island
The crime of Innocence
Painter
Untitled*
Bastard
Conversations
The Apple
Stopping A Stalker
Cullen
Untitled (Brandy)
Fact or Fiction
Evoking a Feeling (Dedication to Mieka Pauley)
Untitled (Ximena/fight)
Tainted Love
Fleeting Cloud of Thoughts
Soul Mate
The curious force of love/Gravity of the Heart
The revival of a past
Train of thought
Yes, I remember
Addict
Death is the loneliest part of living
Stop! Go!
Come Inside
The Unspoken Love of Lovers
Eyes
Letters never sent
Capturing the Moment
Drowning in sorrow
Long Distance Lovers
Promises, Promises
I Always Say
Serenity-the Dessert Poem
Keep Moving On
Home On the Road
Wife, Life, Knife....
Bum
Cut Deeper
Bussing It
Moving (on the train, take 2)
1AM
Mud flap Fantasies
Without Me
Can I Take it With Me?
This is How We Make Love
Leaving Without Looking Back
Dedication To An Old Friend...
Insomnia
Who's to Blame?
The Real Familiarity Of Cartoons For Me
Childhood Memories
Escaping Family
Broken Spirit
1979-1999 Revisited
Being Raped By Corporate America
My Wife…
Revisiting An Old Friend
Childhood Fantasy…
Job Hunting….
Generations Apart
Windows
Marriage
Unsatisfied Desires
Take Time To Be Kind
Life Sentence
Forgive Me
I can Make you Cum
Look What You Did
So what if I go?
The Living Nightmare
Nothingness And The Emptiness Within
Cherish The Love
Fear of Falling
Safe With You
All Aboard
Where is the Fat Lady?
In Your Eyes
The One
Wanting You
Mami
Will You?
Random Thoughts (On the Metro)
Memories
Sticks and Stones
A Life Unwanted
The New Meaning Of Falling In Love, Again
I Met Her Inner Child Today
A Love Unplanned
The Haunting
Meeting the Past
Daydreams
Apple I
Cold Defeat
Apple II
Immortality of Friendships
The Pit
Permission to Live
Courage
Call it consciousness
Behind These Eyes
26 years...lonliness
Climb Your Own Stares
The Perfect Drug
Next
I Almost Cried
Mind Reader
Death is Upon Me
Passion
Declaring My Love
She’s Gone
The Mystery of a Woman
Goodbye Soldier
America Wake-up
Prisoner Within
Influence
Panic
Oh Leader?
Calling Out Religion
Planetarium Days

Sitting here under the starry sky


I am reminded of those planetarium days
Laying back in the comfort of the reclining chairs
While some nice old man pointed out
Each constellation
Surrounded by all of my friends
But alas, that was yesterday
When life was good
And this, this is today
Where there is no warmth or reclining chairs
And I’m not surrounded by friends
Instead I lie on a slab of cement
In the dead of winter
Alone
In a world
That I no longer know
A world in which I’ve fallen through the cracks
Only to find myself
Trapped.
The Bench

The loner thinks,


Wonders
Throws back eerie glances
Finds a bench
And knows
He is home.
What the World Needs Now

The world is hungry


For a revolution
Events are re-emerging from history books
And making their way
Onto television screens as current events
Soon it will inevitably lead to
Revolution or death
Let’s Get Things Straight

Lets get one thing straight


I'm not
Straight that is
I'm gay
as gay as they come
Full rainbow flag flying
card carrying member
of the dyke club.
I don't mind seeing straight people make out
but I don't want to hear about the rest
any more than a straight person wants to hear
about how I went down
on my girl last night.
But one thing is certain
it may not be my American right
but it is my HUMAN right
that I can love whoever I'd like.
So unless you want a queer like me
running for office of presidency
and outlawing your marriage to the redneck on the
corner that you've spent the last two years
dreaming about
then move, follow, or get out of the way
this isn't the age of Aquarius
and this is not the home of the brave
it's the home of the weak,
ignorant, and misconceived
and this my friends is the age of the gays.
To stand up and fight for what is right.
Don't Wait....

Love is love
or is it lust?
I can't remember which one of you
I should trust
Is it the man with the smirk behind the podium
Leading thousands into his own personal war?
Or is it the preacher who prays
With one eye open and one foot in the grave?
You know the one who takes your money and
Drives away in his Mercedes Benz
While you recycle cans and bottles
Just to have a meal on your plate.
Either way this is getting to be one bad joke
When 90% of the country wants to grab them both
Around the throat
I believe it's time to cast another vote
Or should we wait until that right
Becomes a mere fairy tale
To tell the grandchildren of our children?
A great big "I remember when..."
Talk about irony....

Bill Clinton was a funny man


Who told jokes and played a saxophone
He got a blow job at his desk
For that this man ended up on trial.
George Bush amuses only himself
Plays sick games of war while risking the lives
Of thousands of innocents, including “our own”
And fucks this country, raping us all while we lie
Helpless,
Bound by the shackles he's placed upon us all.
Yet for this he got re-elected.
What I Have That You Don’t

I have two hands


a mind and a laptop
My words have invaded enough
that the thoughts will never stop
even if I die tomorrow
someone somewhere has been
effected enough by me
that my world will never drop
off of the face of this earth
and upon my rebirth i will come
just as your curse to continue
where I left off
unaware that the words I will find
in a book
on a shelf will be the words
of my former self.
Why I Write

I write so that in my next life


I have a guide
to help me survive
Freedom Isn’t Free

I was homeless once


It lasted for five years or so
I slept on benches
Rooftops
And strange men
No one that I knew
Thought I cared
I spent days without food
Donating plasma in between
It was a way to eat
And bought me a ticket
For the acid trip
That would allow me to forget
That I was a junkie
Only after being straight didn’t work
I was raped by people who were supposed to help
Robbed by friends
Abused by family
And still I was blamed for my
“Situation”
No one owned up to putting me out
Throwing me away
Compassion over took the faces
Of those with tied hands
My heart broke everyday
As my faith was crushed
Today I am depressed
I’m no longer on the streets
I traded the best thing I ever had (freedom)
For a warm bed and something to eat
Kendall

I heard her sing today


And her voice was beautiful
And powerful
And it formed hands
That picked up my soul
Suspending me and my thoughts in mid-air
Like one of David Copperfield’s assistants
No matter what the words were
I felt a sort of strength
Yet a giddy kind of weakness
Reminding me of childhood birthday parties
When you finally get to shake the hand of your
favorite superhero
It made me want to jump
Up and cheer and scream
Like I was at a Korn concert
But instead I sat
And smiled a quiet smile
While applauding casually as if at an opera instead
It was crazy the way she made me her puppet
Pulling any strings she wanted
Picked me up delicately like a flower
Then dropped me like a ton of bricks
Just by opening her mouth.
Lost, Love

I want to know what it feels like again


To rub my finger tips along
Your soft warm flesh
As we lie oblivious to the
Outside world
Wearing only exposed souls
So deeply engrossed in the body of love that
We shared
I want to take more pictures
Of your smile that you nervously
Tried to hide
Eyes wide
Glistening
With every breath
Like two pools
I want to dive, swim inside
The mind in which you reside
To be privileged enough
To breath
The same air
With you
Once again
She,

Is the being
Like a goddess,
I want to capture her
And dip her in gold
For I’d never use anything less
Than gold
To lock in her beauty.
I want to make her my own personal statue
And place her on the shelf
Of my heart.
I want to take her and put her
In a large glass container
And hold her up for the world to see
To show them that she is mine
And then I’m gonna run like hell
Take her with me
Hide her
And put her in the cage of my mind.
So That’s What it Feels Like

Upon first glimpse


I never knew it would be like this
When I hear your voice
I hear the laughter of our future children
To look in your eyes at 23 and feel
No, to know, that I want to still look at those same
eyes at 90
Kissing you is like having all of the air
Gently robbed from my lungs
While my soul is lifted far above anything man
could know
And I wonder if others are this fortunate
To know love
As I know love
To feel love
As I have felt it
Being apart
The seconds seem to last for hours
As I long for the emotional trip that I feel
When I am in your arms
I guess this is what it feels like
To really be in love.
An Ode to the one I love

In your innocent eyes do I doth see


To the deepest depths of your soul that be
I can’t imagine my life, without you
And could it ever possibly be true?
One day, to our love, there will be an end
A passing of life, will we ever meet again?
Already I mourn the loss of you
For when that day comes,
I’ll surely be through

Like the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet


It is you, that my soul, will never forget
As you complete
My entire being
Without you
There is no reason for
My being
The Mingling of Lovers

The first time we touched,


I felt the fire
Housed within you
The fire that I often see in your eyes
And felt my soul
Dance with yours
It was cold outside
Yet inside,
Inside of you, as we made love
It grew warm, and comfortable
I closed my eyes
Transported from one life to another
And now when we kiss
I feel as if it were my first kiss
And my soul once again dances
Dances with yours.
The day started soft
Until I realized that I was lost
Passion mixed fiercely with anger
I knew I was in danger
The road was too wet
Much like my forehead
Which was soaked with sweat
A Tribute…(of sorts)

I'm in my house,
air conditioner blowing on a hot day,
The oily smell of ground beef cooking
on the electric stove
"Glory Glory Hallelujah" bellows from the
television
over the tick tock of my walls clock
The first president I ever really knew of
has just died
His wife stands dignified
just at the the top of the stairs
on the arm of a true military man

American patriotism riding on the backs


of every note
sadly dripping from spit valves

The Battle Hymn of the Republic


broadcast all over the country
And I feel that a part of my is sliding
around the velvet lining of the casket
The innocence of my youth will soon be buried

And no matter how challenging, or "non


conformist" I can be,
I know that this is a sign of life,
pushing on
His wife appears almost
twenty years older
than what felt like yesterday
and strangely I feel like I am a part of something
bigger than me

There's nothing like watching


the flag snap in the wind
against cloudless skies
And before returning to my life
I take a minute to realize,
that I may actually miss knowing that this
man even exists...
Staten Island

The smell of wet


Pennies nickels and other various forms of change
Soak through the soles
Of 3 year old
Holey shoes
The weight of the world
Breeds calluses the size
Of Poughkeepsie
I’m nauseous
From the lingering aromas
In the New York City
Melting pot
And it’s the summer heat
Sticky; No such thing as central air
Only open windows worth of cool
That stays with me
As I lie in this bed
Ashtray in window sill
Street lit thoughts
Filling pages of ½ empty notebooks
The wind gently caressing exposed skin
Causing corner mouth curl
Snide smiles
That remind me,
I am home!
The Crime of Innocence

Innocence is a crime
Used to avoid jail time
You must be a rapist
Rid the world of another “fag”
You’ll get the medal of honor
It’s the Olympics of extinction for the human race
Everyone’s running
But no one knows why.
Lost in a nightmare
An alternate reality
Everything is backwards
And nothing makes sense
My head is pounding
My soul wants out
Out of this body
This moment
This lie
That has become
My life.
Painter

I sit at my desk
Like a painter at his easel
My brush in hand
Lined canvas
Ready to go
Spirit spills out
Onto paper
As if this pen were connected
to the river of blood
pumping straight from my heart
music inside of my mind
like an orchestra of passion
a passion that drives me mad
to create something beautiful
like the beauty
I feel inside
The beauty I feel when I look
into each of my lovers eyes
I am a poet.
This is my craft.
The gift I carry on my back
Like atlas and his boulder
But I know in the end
At the top of my mountain
I will a find a sky
Lined with words
Line filled pages become birds
Trees made of sentences
And this overwhelming feeling
Of truth.
Untitled

So this is what my life has led me to


Reduced me to a pile of bags
In the corner, on borrowed carpet
In a borrowed room
Paid for with sex
Work temporary jobs
And like a hitchhiker
I wander the roads of life
Searching for answers.
In this moment that I exist
A transitional stage before
Being picked up by
My next life, my next ride
And I’ve learned so much
From each of my pasts
Yet feel I’ve gone nowhere
So for now I wait and try
To find the lesson I am here to learn
Bastard

Open up infected sores


Unzip the skin
In which I live
Expression of self
Made fun of and laughed at
Old wounds, revisited scars
You think you’re hurting me
With your uneducated chuckles
But I see the ignorance in your eyes
And my heart drips with sorrow
For your lack of understanding
Conversations

A.
I have been so afflicted
By the way that I am
So easily affected
Every time I am witness
To injustices
That it pains me to breath
It refuses me sleep
And causes me grief
This world which resides
Outside of me.

B.
Are you walking through life?
Eyes wide shut?
Hands stretched out?
Mindless and sheltered?
Or are you in as much pain
As me?
The Apple

What begins as green?


Streaks and fizzles
Into red delicious
Scattering galaxies of stars
Green and twinkling in all
Their dullness
And it’s the difference between
Golden sunlight
Rotating into a dark yet bold
Twilight
As I spin my frozen appled planet
In my hand, suspended only by time
Waiting until the moment
That I can take a bite
And savor
This burst of nature
All of the way down to the core.
Today I’ll bring my lost love
An apple
As a sign of peace
For I am too weak
To fight for the heart
Of a person who craves release
The apple, my own symbol
Of independence
Alone, yet determined
To stand without my tree
Today my love
I bring you an apple
Because it is time that I set you free.
Stopping a stalker

He sits nonchalantly
At his computer desk
Arm draped lazily over the chair
Clicking on their pictures
Trying to find new ways
To penetrate them
Like a stalker
Profiling their next victims
Each one smiling
Not knowing what they’re in for
The physical beatings he gave her
Mental tearing downs he gave me
But he’s smooth
And I’ve been forced silent
I want to warn them
But I’m bound by the emotional restraints
That he’s put on me.
CULLEN

I stare at the big blue innocent eyes before me


Happiness dances on his face
As he marches proudly down the beach
Blue plastic Frisbee in tow

The world has not yet swallowed him up


He lies in a pit dug by children who came before
him
Closes his eyes and lies back
Like a king on his throne

The world around him is still beautiful


Imaginative and new
I see the excitement in his eyes
As footprints in the sand take on storybook
meanings
Each grain of salt and peppered beach appreciated
The awe of infinite oceans
Curiosities creep up curling the sides of his face

It saddens me to know that one day


You too will grow up

In his world
Seagulls are beautiful, mystical creatures
Unlike the nuisance like vultures they are to us

His hands work like shovels


As he bulldozes the castles he just created.

But yes, one day he will grow up


Only to face the harshness of a bittersweet world
I just wish that he could be that one
That one who escapes it all
And gets to see the rest of life with those
Big blue innocent eyes.
Untitled-Dedicated to Mieka Pauley

Beyond the hum of the bar


Stands a soul.
Under the green light
Haze, holding nothing
But a guitar.
Eyes closed,
Words flow,
Dipped and dripped,
With the powerful pain
Of knowing life’s beautiful emotions.
The voice is raw,
honest
And speaks of unconditional infinite wisdom
Belonging to a timeless soul
With a mission
A message
Of experience and insight
Every note sung
Or plucked coming from deep
Within her universe of understanding
A treasure chest provided by this musical
missionary.
Fact or Fiction

Have you ever been in one of those situations?


Where you walk away
Only to think about what you should’ve done
Could’ve done, or would’ve done
If only you would’ve been able to think of this
before?
When you are reminded of that situation
You wish had
And after awhile
You say that to yourself so many times
That you begin to forget what really happened
And before you know it
What you did turns into what you wanted to do
And you can’t seem to remember the difference
between fact or fiction
Evoking a feeling (dedicated to Mieka Pauley)

She breathlessly kisses the mic


Words flowing swiftly from her soul
The silhouette in the corner
Of the smokey dive
Commands the attention of all
Who is around her
Including the drunk at the end of the bar
I feel these invisible lines of my own soul
Connected to those words
Which so freely fill the air above
Its deep and powerful; each word
Followed by an army of exclamation marks
Driven by emphasis and emotions
I feel that this is where it’s at
The wisdom
The truth
The eternalness of youth
I take a deep breath and sigh
From the sudden release of her musical grip
As she exits the stage
And I know, for me, life again
Will never be the same.
Untitled

I wasn’t enough to keep you here


I wasn’t enough to make you stay
I try to show you what I have
inside of me
you laugh
turn your head to the side, and tell
me that you don't want to see any of it
just by the way you breathe.
Tainted Love

I got what I wanted


and now I don’t want it anymore
I see right through the drunken stupor
that you are a whore
You are bruised
and tainted like a junkies veins
you are bitter and spiteful
mean and deceitful
yet somewhere underneath it all
there stands a little girl
a child if you will
naked, alone, shivering
and scared.
I want to love you
hold you close
but you
are like a wounded dog
crying in pain
yet every time I touch you
you try to puncture my veins
with hatred and fear
you say so much of what I've always wanted to
hear
Yet your actions speak such hypocritical sentences.
Don't sentence yourself to a life
without love
just because when I pull you close
you'd rather shove
Its time to give it all up
the hurt you harbor in your heart
is not mine
was not given by me
yet you tax me for all that I am not buying
and ask me to trust those beautiful eyes
through all of the lies.
I'm sick of the lines.
when you find what it is you are trying to find
find me
Fleeting Cloud of Thoughts

I am nothing more than a theorist.


A student on the road to life.
Walking alone and occasionally catching rides
from strangers.
Where's everyone going? Where am I going?
Where am I at now?
Soul mate

I love how excited she gets at all the I have to say.


Tell me more.
About what I say?
About everything. Life, I don't know.
I feel like someone. Or no, make that someone
else.
We exist together in another dimension.
We have conversations on a different plain
and communicate in thoughts.
I don't know if I've ever felt that was possible
before.
What does it all mean??
I loved the taste
of your heart
on my hands
raining from
the heavens
from deep within your eyes
as you came
and went
so quickly out of my life.
The curious force of love/Gravity of the heart

What is it about this girl that has me so deep?

Was it the leap of faith


my heart took the moment
My eyes dove into the sea of hers
as she searched into mine?

Or was it when we breathed


the same sweat filled air
in and out of our lungs into
each others, a CPR to the soul?

Perhaps, it's because


I do believe in the magic
of the twinkle that I see glide
like a shooting star
dancing across the stage
of the night sky
deep into the hear of her eyes
I believe in it the way a
child believes in the tooth fairy

Yes, what is it about this girl that has pulled me in


so deep?
The revival of a past...

This is eerie and weird


and scares me all the same
What I thought was over
feels like a facade
I've been telling people
what they wanted to hear
Including the lines of lies
I inhale every day as I draw
in my mourning breathe.

How is it that you still reside


so deep inside
my soul
With all of my thoughts and memories
these feelings will hide
And I don't know if I'll ever truly recover
from the loss of myself
in the untimely death of what was us.

The love I gave, dipped in the promise of eternity


never went astray
and here I sit,
a year and five months,
almost to the day
alone in a room
Where we used to lie, and laugh,
and plan
yet never once did either of us plan for this
that one day it would be
only in my dreams where
you and I would both exist.
Train of Thought

I can't think
instead I zone
venturing into the depths
of the unknown
forgotten
like a stranger
who travels alone
thoughts dip and swirl
spiral and whirl
when I return the only
thing that remains
through hazy fog
is the outline of a girl
the one who exists
only in my mind
the one, that I ,
may never find.
My life is intertwined
Between illusions and realities
Confused by their many similarities
Of rarities and unique abilities
To suck you in
Chew you up
And spit you back out
Just like the gum on the bottom of a child’s shoe.
Yes, I remember…

I remember I was on top


Looking into the eyes of
The girl I was about to devour
She tilted her head to the side
Nervous excitement caused
The rise and fall of her chest
The heat between us
Parched my throat
As I plunged my tongue
Deep inside her oooh-asis
And I watched her innocent blue eyes
Roll back with the fulfillment
Of anticipated pleasure
Her back arched now,
Just a little more than before
Legs spread slightly apart
And she opened the flood gates of her soul
As I took a deep breath
Just a sip if you will,
Of her love for me
And like a king at a feast
I sipped and sipped until I was drunk
Yes I remember,
What it was like the first time that we made love.
Addict

I have a hole in my heart


That I like to fill with addictions
Medicines to numb
Frayed nerves
That cause internal bleeding of
The soul.
Death is the loneliest part of living…

When my life has become


So complete that it is time to go
I hope I find a distraction
Like a fly on the wall
To stare at
As the grim reaper
Rapes my soul
And doctors become vulchers
Picking over my lifeless body
As if they were starving peasants
STOP! GO!

Stop!
Stop fighting life’s little enjoyments
stop using anti-bacterial soap.
Bacteria is life, and you are killing it
See, the older I get
The younger people think I am
Because I, unlike you, allow myself to be a child
Adults are nothing more than big children who
take pills to stop their desires to play
Playing is for the careless and irresponsible.
Go!
Play tag when the street light comes on
Turn back the hands of aging with home made
mud pies
Go, dance under the moonlight
And stop dying,
start living!
Come Inside

I want to fall asleep again


in your arms
while listening to the drummer behind your heart
beat
and rhythmic breathing
Breathing each others
sweaty breaths as the room
stood still and we moved
both heaven and earth to make them
one as we were one
and you came inside my world
as I breathed the breath once alive inside of you
forever making what was once apart of you
a part of me.
The Unspoken Love of Lovers

There're so many words left


unspoken between two lovers
who have left nothing unsaid
read between the lines
of crumpled up sheets
lying in heaps
on the floor
like a trail leading through the bedroom door
each one telling a story of passion
lust, love, the scent of sweat filling the air
irregular breathing
fixed gazes as eyes lock and trust is put on the table
honestly speaking
it’s a tale of honesty
raw and primitive in nature
yet so complicating simple
that there are no words left
to describe what it's like to be
in love with you.
Eyes

I just want to look at you


eyes wide
fixated on mine
rear view mirror
could your signals get any clearer?
what are these feelings of wanting to draw you
nearer?
to my soul
to have and to hold
what mysteries are locked inside of your soul?
Letters never sent:

truth be told
I could spend forever
lost in the 3 ft. deep stairs
leading
into the ocean of your soul
and never grow old

Life changes with each breath


inside and out
before and after
the warm air
plays frantically
with my hair
all around for miles and miles
porch lights tell tales
of its residents awaiting another’s arrival
The bulb hums from the center
of the insect universe
it is the sun in a galaxy of its own

Miles of trees
stand still, in observance taking in
all that has happened. Until the day
they will be cut down, only to end up as
a page in my notebook
life changes with each breath inside and out
before and after
there's history in this air
in these trees
and blowing through the wind
Capturing the Moment

I love the immortality of road trips


the endlessness of time
as you pass life by
years away in your mind
as the tires paint the pavement
with memories of your ghost

Every town a story


from conversations in gas stations
to soundtracks laid out by phantom DJ's with
husky voices
working graveyard shifts
Chain smoking between each set
and these are the times you won't forget
no matter how far away from this moment
that you drift

and the bond that is shared by


three people breathing the same fresh
air, windows down
loud sounds
hammered on acoustic guitars captured on cd's
play in our cars
and in this moment the world is ours
as we are now in this moment, forever young.
Drowning in Sorrow

How many times can one person cry in their life?


I've shed so many tears
I could drown
And everything is just so different now
I see them
that I used to be
like a ghost hovering above
The sadness holds me down
pain resides inside the lines
of a frown
Memories flash
like headlights
on a rainy night
the highway yawns and stretches out below
My cheeks have absorbed
so many memories
like sponges
each and every time another knife plunges
so deeply in my chest
and when in the hell will I ever rest?
Is this a challenge? or just another test?
I have cried so many tears
all throughout my twenty six years
the salt sears the abrasions
of a bruised soul
tattered and torn
feeling the scorn
of others lashing my back
As they lash back at me
just because it's easy.
I bend over and take the abuse
walking on eggshells trying not to give
anyone another excuse
to hurt my heart with the hurt that
has caused them to feel this
anger that's consumed them.
and I try to breath
I want so badly to believe
that not all will deceive
but they always leave
and I am all that I have left
feeling robbed
after the theft of my sanity
that you have taken just for the vanity
and you didn't even have the courtesy
to leave a note
I feel the knots forming in my throat
and I know this pain as if it were my lover
it is an emotion quite unlike any other
What can I do besides run for cover?
All I need is to be touched
is that really asking too much??
Long Distance Lovers

Your eyes light


the skies in my mind
like fireworks on the 4th of July
my heart cries
my body sighs
every time I think about
the distance that lies between
and ahead of us
like a bridge between two
worlds
connecting our souls
via telephone poles
and time slows
everything down just for
a moment in time
we connect and I wonder
how good it will be when
we see what’s next
behind door number one
and I think this could be
the one
as I hold on my nose
eyes closed
deep into the curious waters
otherwise unknown,
I'm no longer alone
exhale & you are still there
don't ever go anywhere
please baby please
I beg over and over again
in my head
from the time you leave
until the time I see
you again
my future lover
my current friend
whose beauty holds no end
You are the reason
I greet each day
with a smile
something I have not done for awhile
and I can't wait to be in your arms
in your eyes and occupying to mind
and I hope you won't mind
if every once in a while I call you mine
because feelings like this
are so hard to find
(believe me, I’ve tried)
Promises, Promises

Everyday, you make


empty promises
I've been fed your lies so long
Filled with displeasure
I am bloated
your words, oh so sugar coated
cause cavities in my soul
fighting it makes me feel old
and by the way...
when's the last time you saw the Easter bunny?
Yeah, it is funny
how easily you expect me
to swallow that pill
just because you promise feelings of ecstasy
when truth be told
you will not always be
next to me
to have and to hold
and what is this poison you've given me?
I'm addicted to your pain
Slide the needle deep into my vein
close my eyes and breathe
my heart is on my sleeve
don't tell me you love me
just fucking leave
I always say

I always say
that I want to go
go?
The word rolls feverishly off of my tongue
as I salivate over the idea of leaving
No more needing
of drugs
which cause dry heaving?
Because this time
I swear to God!
This time, really,
I'm leaving
Shoving my shit
in a bag
this time I've had all the
bullshit I can eat for one life
You say I'm running away
and giving up
but giving up to me
would be to stay exactly where you
want me to
wrists rested on hip
my head tipped
yes this time
I'm leaving
but oh no baby,
I'm not retreating
just closing and completing
another chapter in my book
and now that it's over
I can't believe that all it took
was to take that step
1st the right then the left
so tell me, what exactly is it that you have left?
have you won?
did you have fun?
Now it's my turn to be the one
who declares?
when this little game is done
I always say I want to go
and look at me
yes now I am gone
on a journey that promises to be far and long
but none the less it is a journey of my own.
Serenity-the Dessert Poem

Clouds hover
like guardians over deserters mountains
casting shadows that translate into
symbols and tell stories
of the earth
Trees climb to peaks that humans
have yet to seek
The cactus sport sprouts
Take on statuesque poses of ancient warriors
captured in time
Trains carve their way through empty valleys
that appears to never end
road signs are proof that human
existence lurks just on the other side
of eternity
The oxygen is free here
and doesn’t have to come from a tank
Life stretches out and yawns like a big cat
along lazy roads
I may not have a place to reside
but I am quite at home inside
of this greyhound bus
Travel is my love, my passion, and my lust.
Keep Moving On

75 miles from Tucson and the wheels


in my head are moving
just as fast as the wheels on this bus
I've been riding through the dessert
since the sun came up
I need to walk
I'm 2000 miles away from the only home
I've ever known and quite happy
to be on my own
A much needed trip
I had to get a grip
on the part of me
that I let slip
through fingertips
I want to connect with the earth
plug myself in for a recharge
but she will quench my thirst
my mother earth,
for truth and knowledge
that’s something never learned in college
it's beautiful here
all of life's answers appear so clear
and though it’s only been a day
it feels like a year
since I first rode into el Paso
I hate having to leave so quickly though
but it's 68 miles to Tucson
and I know I must continue to move on
Home On the Road:

Mountains cast shadows


under illuminated skies
lie like beds for stars
that leaves streaks
as they drop off
one by one
Like children in the night
they twinkle with delight
play, play, oh how they play,
dance and gleam
everything around me has grown still
except for the one eyed Mexican
with the heavy cough
and creeks beneath the metal of the overworked
bus
the highway below slithers and slides
beneath our feet like a map
it has become our journey
Our lives which we,
as travelers,
seek to escape
It is in the destinations
that we hope to find ourselves
A nearby city mirrors the serene night sky
as if nothing more than a reflective
sea of lights
and one breathe at a time
the air seeps in through shoddy vents
and tell whisper secrets into my ear
about just what it is that I’ve found here
on the road; it's called "home"
Wife ,Life, Knife....

you say you


want to be my wife
to give me a whole new life
I say stab me already
with that knife
that you hide behind your back
and don't laugh
because I am only half
as good as you want me to be
nothing more than a flea
in the circus of madness
that you have become
the ringleader of
and is this lust or is it love?
Am I really the one?
I have everything to give
and you give none
Dance around in circles
as my feelings dangle
from the mantels of my heart
cut me free before you even start.
Bum

In East LA
the homeless lay
on blocks of concrete
that line the street
fighting not only the heat
but the voices
that control all of their choices
crack filled veins
ride on metro-like trains
Downtown the glamour is gone
along with the sun
which is nothing more than a shadow
on neck bent back so high buildings
Fire trucks scream and cops demean
the importance of others
Where I come from this
is considered to be much worse than
anything they've ever seen
except for the streets of New York
yeah they can be mean
but the kings and queens of the myrtle beach scene
the royalty of those on the redneck Riviera
would be scared’ a
the air I've breathed
and scars that hide under just barely tucked away
under my sleeve
but oh no not me,
I take the bus, I take the train,
I walk, and I thumb
just like, every other "bum".
Cut Deeper

I just want to cut


until something makes sense
even if it's 4 quarters for a dollar
worth of blood shed
for every time I've wished I was dead
or wanted to feel the shattering of bone
against my head
I've trusted everyone
who's ever thrusted a cock
cocked a gun
or knife, against my warm body
and this time I thought it would be
different than the last
with the promise of unconditionally being loved
but instead I got shoved
face first in the dirt
before being walked upon
like the pavement being pounded at my feet
as I turn and walk away
thinking that for once
I've finally said, all I needed to say.
Bussing it

7 cities have had my heart


every time I leave them
my head seems so far
reality sits and weeps
as I dream
of all the tomorrows of yesterday
that I've wished away
on a train
in a city, where I have yet to have a name
just a face
soon to be replaced by whosoever
shall lay
in the place, where I stay
eyes fixed on his
and then on hers
as I yearn
to figure out the labyrinth
of life
that continuously unfolds
in front of me
my stops is next
pull the string
it's the only thing
I am sure of anymore.
Moving (on the train, take 2)

Moving, moving
everything is always moving
the rattle and hiss of the train are noises
which are now soothing
no more fear of the life I have found
Here amongst the stars
and famously homeless
hanging out in bars, riding in cars
its as alien as mars,
people sit, on red velvet lined plastic seats
tap their feet, to the beats
that beat in mp3 players
each of us are merely players
in this game, each of us wait for our turn
at whatsoever shall come later
and isn’t it later already?
in a world of terrorism and Bush-ism, we wait
for whatever cataclysm will be next
and it feels as if i've been vexed
to feel the fear, that I feel
as the train moves on
the rattle and hiss
the only thing that keep me moving.
1 AM

at 1 am
down six and main
the rattle of old shopping carts rain
fill the streets as mom and pop
push and pull their hopes and dreams
they wear what is probably their Sunday best
even though they appear to be a mess
hair greasy
labeled as sleazy
their lives are anything, except for easy
asleep during the day
on concrete sidewalks they lay
hustle and trade
it's the American way
provide others with what they need
just to feed the hunger
death nibbling at their feet
so hard to get a job
when they all think
you're going to rob
their stores so instead they slam doors
and continue to blame you
for your situation.
what kind of nation
have we become
to turn our backs
just like that
on our neighbor
because they harbor
the burden of traveling by foot
have nothing
no one
We carelessly shower the rich with
free gifts
won't reach our hand into our pocket
to give a bum a quarter, oh no, no food, no clothing
not even a small glass of water
the irony lies in making a struggling man's life
harder until the whole world is watching
then we all become martyr’s
and yes ladies and gentlemen this is just for starters
see we teach our sons and daughters
that people like that are either lazy or crazy
but I believe the smoke and mirrors of life has
made your vision
oh so hazy
because when I see a bum,
I see ME when I was young.
the loneliness of having no one
the pain I pretended wasn't there
the drugs I turned to when I didn't want to care
the eyes that laid and would invade
every orifice crack and crevice
in a stare, judging and assuming
why I was there
No one knew of the years
of abuse
and those that did called it an excuse
well excuse me isn't this supposed to be America?
land of the free?
Am I the only one with eyes that see
how selfishly we treat
our brothers & sisters that live on the street
you know it pains me to believe
how easily we as a society can deceive
ourselves
into thinking
that this will all disappear just by blinking
and turning our heads
keep on walking past the woman
who is talking about the condition of her being
head pounding drum like symphonies in her head
like a zombie
her body is alive
but her soul which was crushed
so long ago remains dead
sleep it away in the comfort of your bed
300 count thread
lined sheet front page covers
cover the sores on her feet
and i wonder
how you'd be if you were she?
would you?
could you
if you had to, make it?
could you take it?
if you had to live
your life
on the street?
Mud Flap Fantasies

i long for what once was


even though it may have only existed in a dream
to be kissed by an angel
although I was unclean
she helped me remember I had a voice
and that love could never
be a choice
we held hands in
dark corners of that old strip bar
she didn’t mind that I didn’t have a car
a home or money
she laughed at all of my jokes
even when they weren't funny
we never had sex
but we made love
oh how we made love
in our minds
and in our hearts
but she was taken away at the very start
of what was to be
forever
until our reunion my heart remains severed
and I could never forget
the girl who made me believe in this love
that I've not finished experiencing yet
Without Me

danger dances around me


with every step
there's one less breath
that I have left
until my death
and I wonder how it will come
heart attack or gun?
miserable or fun
will I run?
will I attempt to flee
feeling the panic within me?
I don’t want to be just another statistic
believe me folks I’m not sadistic
but on this special day that I am to die
I'd like it to end in a way that is mine
if I can plan the way I will leave
I'd like an IV of the worlds best hallucinogenic
up my sleeve
or in my sleep
though it gives me great sadness to know
that one day this world
will exist
without me
Can I Take It With Me?

I don’t remember much from the past


that has passed so long ago
each scene, another life old
I remember shivering once or twice in the cold
when i had no home
(not that i really have one now)
but its different somehow
perhaps because
I have grown
in experience.
it's all been experiments
no one to tell me right from wrong
taking life, like hits from a bong
breath in, hold it
Dreaming of a future
I’ve already lived inside my mind
different every time
yet always the same
looking back I think
what could I have done to make it all better?
it's more complicated then remembering
to wear a sweater
so I'll do it again until I get it right, to the letter
doesn’t matter whether I know
the end as I somehow seem to know
only the way I do it this time
not so blind
thanks to the site of hind
and even if this life should end today
perhaps the knowledge will find a way
to follow me into the next
So together we can tackle whatever shall lie ahead
Dedication To An Old Friend…

I have many times,


Since moving ‘cross country
Felt lonely
Disconnected from the rest of life
As I’ve lounged in the back house
Of my wife’s mothers place
Its entirely too small
But somehow it’s managed to become “home”.
Yet when night falls so does my mood
As my mind cursed by OCD
Replays the days gone by
Friends I will never see again plague me
At the thought of an eternity without those
connections
And I get sad thinking of all of the would’ve
could’ve and should haves
Missed opportunities to speak my mind and be free
of the restraints that
I’ve allowed myself and many others to place on
me
So I turn to the one friend who’s been there all of
this time
Ever since I first learned that real poetry
Doesn’t have to begin with
Roses are red…
Insomnia

Insomnia is taking its toll on me…


I recently felt a craving
Deep within my body
That ached and ached as my thoughts
Twisted more and more around my mind
I swear I could feel various parts of myself
Falling asleep with the threat of never again
Joining the waking world
I am surrounded by 4 walls, a noisy television
And two kids screaming for independence
I close my eyes trying not to be noticed
As if I could make myself disappear
Sucked into the mattress in which I lie
“Jess” rises over it all
It didn’t work
“What’s up?” I ask
As I robotically rise to my feet
Who’s To Blame?

I have pushed down so long


Feelings of hatred and a massive urge
To vomit tear sized emotions from the
Cavities of my mind
That I finally feel sick.
I’ve come to realize that I hate
My father
For more reasons than I have to love him
That I blame my mother for her disappearance
Into the cocaine filled caves and caverns
of New York
Though I am extremely happy
for her reemergence
into my life
Even if it was 20 years or so over due
My sister who is extremely beautiful
But was entirely too selfish could’ve saved me too
But chose to horde good fortune for herself
And for the first time in my life
I don’t blame myself
For the things that I went through.
The Real Familiarity Of Cartoons For Me

Every Saturday morning


I wasn’t allowed to watch cartoons
I was woken up promptly by 7am
Just like every other soldier who resided in my
house
I was given an emotional beating by the drill
sergeants
That I called mom and dad
And handed a broom, bottle of pledge, and told to
clean
“This place better be spotless” they swore
Or else we would feel their wrath.
We’d wait until we heard the tires run slowly over
The pebbles in the driveway
Before we would relax
The radio would go on,
A way for us to escape
Complete our chores everything from doing the
laundry
To mowing the yard, cleaning the toilets, making
the beds,
Washing and drying the dishes, scrubbing the
floors, dusting their precious
Collectibles that were worth more than us,
And if in that time one mistake was made,
no one could leave
For the much deserved vacations
that slumber parties would bring.
By the end of the day the older ones would cook
dinner,
the younger ones took out the trash
and cleaned the nightly dishes, and we would wait
Stiffen up as the lights turned into the driveway,
another pebble closer to our fate
On a good day only one would get into trouble
While the other watched knowing that could be us
Under that belt
behind those tears
Each whack hurt as if it were
And then we were set free.
On a bad day there may be blood pouring out of
each one of
The four statues that we were supposed to be.
Any way you looked at it
We were all living out a life sentence for crimes
We weren’t old enough to have committed
And as I sit here, behind the safety of my laptop
with a cracked screen
Listening to the bells and whistles of hand held
video games
Drowned out slightly by the bells and whistles of
Cartoons, 3000 miles and 15 years away
From the life that used to be mine,
I’m glad that I have broken the cycle
And I will never be a parent or step parent
In the way mine were, because
I’m not cold
And I love being loved entirely too much.
Childhood Memories…

I remember one time


That HE tried to choke me
A bungee cord wrapped tightly around my throat
Another time
HE drug me a good 200 feet
Behind a car
Or the time that HE shocked me with an electric
fence
And laughed
The times he would command me to pull down my
pants
So that he could hurt me worse when he struck me
with his leather belt
The times that he would introduce me to people as
the mentally retarded one
Because I didn’t want to speak to anyone
Or even better the time that HE
(228lbs. And 44 years or so old)
Punched ME (135lbs and 13 years old) in the nose
I lost control and wet my pants
The next day I had a bruised face to remind me
Of why kids should not exist
And HE had another reason to make up lies about
how
I had managed to walk into HIS fist.
Escaping Family

My step mom was a fiery redhead


That I initially thought was beautiful
And turned out to be abusive and self absorbed
My biological mother was once better in my mind.
She disappeared when I was a kid
My father tried to convince me she was dead
My sister was someone I envied
She was a princess to all around her
And lived with my grandparents
as if royalty were in her blood
I on the other hand lived with them;
My father and step mother
Who never wanted kids
Only used us as if we were pieces of property
Like slaves that they could buy, sell, and abandon.
We made them look good
Or at least we were supposed to
They were our puppeteers dangling from their
strings.
I guess they never counted
On my finding scissors
And getting the hell out of there
Before they could hurt me anymore
(As if 14 years weren’t enough.)
Broken Spirit

No, I never had to eat dog food


No, I never had to go without clothes
When I lived at home
But I never felt for even one moment
(A moment being the time that spans
Between each blink of an eye)
That I was wanted
That I had a reason to exist other than to act
As a sponge so that I might absorb
All of the hurt and pain that would be poured
Over the wounds that magically appeared on my
Already broken body
1979-1999 Revisited

I listen to a lot of music


That brings me back
To times of riding around aimlessly
In the back seats of friends cars as a kid, and a
teenager
Going no place in particular
Without the restraints of bills
Or the need for money
Other than the $1.96 I needed for a pack of
Marlboro Reds
And a Mountain Dew
That usually held me over until bed time
And people laugh because I’ve memorized every
Note of every word to every one of these
Cheesy songs, and because of how ridiculously
Happy each of these songs makes me
But what they don’t realize is that
It was the only time I wasn’t
Thinking about how badly I wanted
To be kidnapped or killed either.
Being Raped By Corporate America

The last time


I applied for job
I felt completely violated
As if the company that I had targeted
Had bent me over their bar of standards and
expectations
And raped me violently
Cumming all over the heat of my ass cheeks
And leaving with a smile

When I was done with the application


I came home feeling defeated
Took a long shower
And retreated into a dazed sleep
As I tried to recover

What gives these fuckers the right


To ask about my childhood?
Was I a bad kid?
(Depends on who you ask)
Do I have a good family?
(Now or then?)
Am I generally happy?
Do I suffer from any mental problems?
(Don’t I live in the Prozac nation?)
Would I tell on or confront someone who was
stealing from the company?
(I’d mind my own fucking business and try not to
know if someone was stealing)
The questions had absolutely nothing to do with
my ability to scan items and make change
Being a writer is a great excuse not to have to deal
with
That bullshit on a regular basis
Because when people ask, what do you do?
Why aren’t you working?
How do you live?
You can reply with “I’m a writer, I’m working on a
book”
Even though what you’re really saying is
“The world freaks me out entirely too much, and I
have to hide behind sheets of paper, and sheets of
acid”

There’s always that air though of prestige


Just incase you make it
So that when you do
They can all say they knew you
And supported you
At one time or another
My Wife…

I never thought
I would really find someone who could
Accept me for who I am
For the shit I endured when I was supposed to be a
kid
Someone who would mother a 26 year old child
The way I should’ve been mothered at 4
Someone who would openly call me on all of my
bullshit
No matter how hard I tried to get one over on her
But maybe that’s why I so comfortably and eagerly
Wanted to marry her
And why I have no doubts that we will last
forever.
Revisiting An Old Friend

Reading Charles Bukowski makes me


Realize that I’m not being as honest with myself as
I want to be
That I’m leaving parts of myself everywhere I go
Every time I get out of the car
Every time that I get off the bus
And every time one of his books makes its way
into my life
It makes me smile as if I’ve been healed the way
You feel healed when you visit a best friend
That you lost touch with so many years ago
Childhood Fantasy…

I used to believe
That sooner or later
I would be rescued
From whatever type of terrible events
Were taking place in my life
At any given time
I’d retreat into nothing more than the air bubble
Inside of a thought moving through out my body
And try to escape out through the nostrils
While riding on the back
Of a single breath
Hover above my body
And Wait
Waiting
Hoping and waiting some more,
For anyone to discover my body
Have sympathy for me, Ache for me, hold me
And nurse me; heal me from all that ailed….
Job Hunting….

Being poor is hard work


It’s completely draining on the soul
And on the soles of your feet
Walking for miles
Whether pacing back and forth across the floor
Trying to figure out how to manipulate the men
who
Hound you via telephone, and email, even the
postal service
Constantly filling your mailbox with more weights
as if your shoulders
Weren’t held down enough.
Or walking all across town trying to put in
application after application
Begging for someone to pick you
To sweep their floors or clean their toilets with
your 154 IQ
Its like selling yourself on the corner
And by the time you get home you have to shower
Because of just how many eyes imagined
themselves all over your breasts
And in between your legs all for the low price of
$5.50 an hour.
Generations Apart

Rappers of today
Talk about the same subjects that the “beats” of
yesterday did.
They just say it with music behind them
Using their words to get attention and “bling”
Unlike Bukowski and Kerouac
Who lived it on the sides of roads, dirty hotel
rooms, and strangers backseats
Then wrote about it on 300lb typewriters
Not for attention but for release from the intensity
that their
Thoughts and feelings plagued them with.
Take Time To Be Kind

I look out through the


Scratched up windows
Made only of plexi-glass and what appears to be
A 20 year old tint job
The engine of the rickety old bus
Hums like a congested old man
The sky outside is mostly grey
Except for a few places left exposed for
Sunshine and brief glimmers of hope
The streets below are far from being
Paved with gold
There’s nothing more than litter
That lines these roads
Human trash,
Thrown away
Long since forgotten about
Huddle in piles on every corner
Their belongings surround them
Their beds made of stone
Yet to them this is home

Rock stars drive nearby,


In fancy cars, on their way to their five million
dollar houses
Get fat on hundred thousand dollar couches.
How much richer will the rich get
And how much sicker
Will the poor get
Before we, as a generation,
As a society,
As a nation,
Become tired of the Paris Hilton’s of the world
being admired
For their lack of skill
Lack of class, and amazing ability to show their
ass?

If anyone should be revered,


It’s the man on the train who’s lived on the corner
Of Hollywood and highland for 15 years, who
sheds no tears
And smiles just because he hears a familiar voice
outside of the ones
That reside inside of his mind

Take the time to be kind


Give the 20 year old girl
Who needs a shower, a blanket, and a mother,
Your last dime
Because if it were you in her shoes, you’d hers,
the way she wants mine.
Life Sentence

Perhaps my life is nothing more


Than a life sentence
A way for me to offer penance
For some kind of karmic debt
To live life as an observer; some kind of test
Looking through everyone else’s window
The feeling of detachment is one I can’t let go
I see what I seem to be unable to feel; love
And I wonder if when I die I can peel
Away this painful skin that I’m living in
Or if it will follow me through out the next life
It’s so hard to be on the outside
To be so invisible, yet to be
So
Alive.
Forgive Me…

I can’t explain
The distance that remains
Between my heart and yours
I know that I don’t want to breath
Without you
Not even one single breath
But then again I feel the fear of being left
At the alter
On the alter,
To feel the sacrifice of my soul
So for that reason alone
I believe it’s time to go
Without a word, I will sneak out into the night
My back pack intact, I will keep walking
Until I feel the warmth of the sun’s light.
I Can Make You Cum

My love is better than chocolate


My sex is your drug
I can drive you crazy with a simple flick of my
tongue
Look into the depths of my eyes
And I will have you hypnotized
As I lie
My head between the flesh of your thighs
Taking my time as I familiarize
Myself with every inch of your body
The pulse between my legs
Urges and begs
Me to be naughty
And take at least a little sip
As I feel you drip
From lip to lip (mine to yours)
I tug oh so gently on your hip
We don’t have to be quick
I want to taste you every time
I lick
The warm secretions of you are thick
Slide down my throat
And for that I will gloat
Because I know
I can make you cum
Look What You Did

For so many years


I’ve felt the void of not having you here
Tried to scream
But there was no one to hear
Why’d you have to leave me
There with him?
The one who hurt you
I would never desert you
And why is it that I deserve to
Walk around
Chasing your ghost each and every day
I feel the pain of having been thrown away
And it is something that just won’t go away
I need my mother at 26 the way I did when I was
just a kid
Damn, look what you did!
So What If I Go?

As I lie awake in our bed


I find that I am existing only in my head
And I wonder how it will be
If I leave
Taken away by life or some kind of disease
Will you even miss me?
How will you lay
As you sleep?
Your arms around me no more
Our legs not intertwined as they were before
Will you dream of my return?
Or is there someone else for whom your heart truly
burns?
Will you feel as though our love was untrue?
Will you wonder if there is something else you can
do?
Will you ever feel as if we are through?
As I close my eyes, deep in thought
I wonder if you are right and if everything really is
my fault
And if there is anything to make this all
That we’ve wanted or if it really is just time to go?
The Living Nightmare…

Once upon a time in a land far, far, away, I was a


child
Of innocence, untainted, but as I’ve said, that was
Once upon a time
Now I’m an adult
Constantly haunted by painful memories
From a tortured past
Every day, the voices remind me of all that I’ve
seen
And all that I’ve heard,
I climb dark staircases full of cobwebs and
shadows
With only a single flame of the smallest match to
light my way
Yet I keep moving, pushing my way through the
obstacles
Of every day life, the snakes
Slither between my legs,
Hands,
Creepy, old, decrepit with arthritis reach up
between rickety old boards
Continuously trying to pull me down yet I move
on
Rushing as I feel the pressure of this abyss like
darkness move closer behind me
All the while I wonder when will this nightmare be
over?
When can I be the one to wake up
In the safety of my bed
Listening to the comfort of my mothers rhythmic
breathing
As I lie my head gently against her chest?
Will it ever come to and end or is this
The sentence that I’ve been handed for committing
this heinous crime of being born?
Nothingness And The Emptiness Within

I speak
No one listens
It’s as if I am mute
And only speaking silently within my head
I walk alone with only my shadow to keep me
company
Drowned by a thousand voices in a sea of a
thousand strange faces
All penetrating my soul
I know that although
I’m surrounded I am alone
Nothing will ever bring me back
To the world I retreated from
So long ago
And for that reason I will never have a home or
Anything that I can ever call my own.
Cherish The Love

So many times I want


To open up
I want to
Get attached
But I feel the fear
Of hurt from the yester year
And how much I couldn’t handle
The extinguishing of the candle’s flame
That burned so deep in my heart
The longing I already feel
Each moment that we’re apart
I want so bad to believe in forever
But until then I will cherish every second that we
are together
Because I do so love you.
Fear Of Falling

Fear of falling,
Fear of heights
I’ll stand on the edge of forever
As long as we’re together
Don’t leave me
Standing alone
With only my shadow in the middle of the night
And I’ll give you the rest
Of my life
With your arms around me,
a shield,
From all of the hurt,
Of all of the years
Love like ours doesn’t just burn it seers
And I love the way you love me
I love the way we are
So don’t ever give up, because I’ve already fallen
Entirely too far.
Safe With You

Long ago I lived a life


Where everything hurt
Even to breath
A wounded animal
I was left out in the cold
And so I’ve been told,
I should have died
Many, many times
I carry my baggage on my back, upon my
shoulders
Each day feeling yet another year older
I’ve built this wall of hardened skin
Calloused by life
Wondering when I should pull the knife
Across my flesh
And at the same time
Trying hard not to let them win
And for the first time I feel as if I
can let the child inside run wild
Scream or cry, play and learn, all in your look of
concern
The embrace we share, which finally
Allows me to feel
Safe.
All Aboard

My eyes dance
Around the crowded train
Stealing for just one second
A moment of their lives
Shared glances, some of which are stares
At me, away from them (the others) out of the
window,
Eyes fixated on the floor
Face read
Mind revisiting a time and a place
Already passed,
As I wonder
How much longer it will last
Our brief existence together
The hiss of the brakes & chime of the bell
Return me all too suddenly to the present
A world forever changing
Once familiar strangers exit,
New ones enter
And the pull on the car against the tracks rushing
below
Tell me that once again
It’s time to go.
Where Is The Fat Lady?

Maniacal laughter
Echoes from my brain
Life’s been sabotaged once again.
I’ve become more of my enemy and less of my
friend
Decisions of my past
Continue to haunt
Dance around and taunt
But there is no escape
No hero
In a cape.
This is my hell
365 rounds a year and still no bell
The towel was thrown
So long ago
Yet the ref seems not to know
And will it never end?
Until my mind is blown across the earth
that has become my boxing ring
So tell me where is the fat lady to sing
The sounds of my revelry.
In Your Eyes

I look into your eyes


The promise of tomorrow
Reflects in the light
And I wonder if this is the beginning
of the rest of my life
What we have yet to do
I’ve already done

In my mind
With you as if you were the one
I look into your eyes
I see the pain inside
The pain you try to hide
Try to deny
And I wonder if this is the beginning of the rest of
your life

When you look into my eyes


I try to hide
Because of the questions that take over my mind
Am I the one?
Made for you?
Or is this love with you
Going to end up being temporary too?
The One…

Will you be the one


To say I love you forever
To want to look into my eyes and
see the secrets of my soul
To figure out that I am never going to grow old
Nothing more than a kid;
Without a mom, without a dad,
Just the painful memories of the life that I’ve had
Wanting nothing more than the love of another
Shelter and cover
When it rains and pours
Thunder pounding in my ears
I’m tired of all the tears
Tired of being afraid of all of these fears
Can you truly promise that you’ll be here for the
rest of my years?
I need to know
That you will never go
I need to trust, forget about lust
To live and to love
As much as it has hurt before,
I just want to feel
As if for one moment my life were real.
Will you be the one
As much as I have tried to be the one?
Mami

Lying on the bed


Your breasts next to my head
I look up
Into your eyes
I want so bad to be the blue of your skies
The sun when you are under a black cloud
The air that rushes in and out of your chest
I feel the warmth of your skin
I breath you in,
So completely enthralled by all that you are
I want to be the one
To make you smile
To make you want to get out of bed
To dance around all of the other thoughts in your
head
Perhaps one day that will be the way
Our lives will intertwine
Your heart wrapped around mine
Until the end of time.
Will You?

When I sneeze who will be the one to say God


Bless you?
When I cry who will be the one to put my head on
their shoulder?
When I’m sick who will be the one to nurse me
back to health?
When I feel like dying, who will give me a reason
to live?
Will it be you?
The one I have chosen to be my love.
My mate?
My partner brought about by fate?
I want to do something special, be loved by
someone,
Feel as if for one moment that I am great.
When I am broken will you fix me?
If I were on the shelf in the store would you buy
me once more?
Or would you keep going back to where you came
from?
If you had the chance to do it all again would you
hit send
On the email that you sent the day that we met?
Or would you turn around and try to forget?
Am I really the one that you want to spend the rest
of your life with?
Or am I just a fix like a drug to a junkie?
Am I delusional or do you really love me?
Random Thoughts (On the Metro)

Why is this guy looking at me?


That guy looks funny with his arm bent like that
Please, Please, Please don’t sit next to me
I wonder if that guy that just got off was homeless?
It’s so quiet; is everyone tired or bored?
My head hurts
Don’t look at me
I think that guy’s playing Tetris; I could so kick his
ass.
Ugh. 9 stops left
Seriously Don’t look at me
It sounds like someone’s playing air hockey in the
tunnel of this train
I can’t wait to go to sleep
I should’ve eaten at work
Anyone on this train could be a murderer, a
terrorist, or a cop; maybe it’s her?
It always smells like a dirty ER in here
Ok, STOP FUCKING LOOKING AT ME!
4 stops left! I’m getting nauseous
What did I eat today?
I wonder where that crazy old guy with the guitar
is?
We’re all going somewhere, where are they going?
Fuck it, I’m not going to work tomorrow.
Memories

With each passage, there lies the birth of a ghost


Hiding in the memories of my mind
Each person so perfectly existing
happily living breathing the air
No matter what the setting, I see them smiling
my grandfather walks through the house on his
way to work
I see a line; his shadow
red polyester vest over white button down
neatly pressed.
His black polyester pants perfectly creased
and hanging off his knee and extending just above
the ankle.
Orthopedic shoes for hard working men worn
enough to now be molded to his foot
The sound of change with each footstep plays like
the march of a soldier
The smell of brute the army following behind.
I imagine his hair the balding middle
and precise comb over, such a flawless routine
A smile on his face at the feeling of
accomplishment.
He was beautiful and strong
most importantly ageless
I never once thought he would die,
And somehow even after 7years he has not yet.
I feel him too strongly
for anyone to tell me he really is gone.
I see him everyday when I too visit the recesses of
my mind.
Sticks and Stones

I don’t know how to feel


Somewhere along the road of trying not to become
a robot
I became numb
Numb to the insensitive words of others
Though yours penetrate me
Like ice picks being plunged into
My brain and I just want
To drain myself of all the hurt
And all the pain
That I’ve faced throughout the years
I wish there was a cure
For the disease
That seems to be
inside of me
A shower to wash away all of the dirt
That appears to appear when you peer
Into my eyes
And if you don’t want to touch me
I will cry as I feel the life in my heart
Begin to die
For once I want to be one of you
And not one of “them” or “those people”
I want to be an equal
But I won’t because I don’t fit the mold
Of what you’ve wanted
Instead I am plagued and haunted
By the judgments of others
Even though I am nothing more than a scared
Child, hiding, underneath the covers
You say you love me
So why can’t we be lovers?
Why treat me like you are one of the others?
With all of the bruises of my soul
I ache for some one to hold me
And mean it when they say
They will never go away
I guess life doesn’t have it planned out that way
Because you don’t want to touch me
I have a disease that’s now caused me
Such dis-ease
I’m covered with the slime of sleaze
And yet you wonder why I want(ed) to leave
You will never believe
That the spirit that was once inside
Was not the spirit of me

It was a being
Which now likes to hide
The real me barely a child
I try and I try
To make my life into something other
Than the shit it is
That I am yours & not his
Or hers, or theirs,
But instead you climb the stairs
in fear of whatever it is
That you see
Instead of the being of me
Leaving me just as they all did
ALONE
When I was young,
I looked forward to being grown
No one to cause me hurt or pain
Yet here I stand, crying, feeling insane
And there you sit
Already over it
And I wonder what would happen if I were gone?
Would you ever realize that you were wrong?
That I am innocent and sweet, in need of love
A rose,
Or a hug.
I’m addicted to your love, et already you’ve quit
me
As if I were a drug.
A Life Unwanted

Do you know what it means to sleep


And never get any rest?
To walk this earth alone
To never feel at home
Like your life is always on loan
To have never been wanted
Instead thrown away
Told to die or just go away
Then to be held, and told not to be afraid
By people who would then proceed to rape me
Take what they could
Do what they would
Trust me, my heart’s not made of wood
I feel every look, every stare
And it used to be easy to pretend that I didn’t care
My spiral notebook’s the only time I would bare
The feelings nestled inside my shell
Other times I wouldn’t dare
I’ve been used and abused and believe me
I’m NOT amused
My temper’s already very short fused
So when I say I want to be with you
I’m not the one who’s confused
But you are the only one I’ve trusted
With the keys to the fragile organ
Known only as my heart
So please don’t judge my life by its start
Instead be my wife, and help me have a better end
Or at the very least,
Be my friend.
The New Meaning Of Falling In Love, Again

Through the shadows on your face


I see the smile of a ghost
From years past.
I want so bad to know that girl
The one inside of you
That lies behind the light in your eyes
So neatly tucked away
The girl that giggles every time
My kisses tickle your neck
I want to know the parts of you that I have yet to
meet
And I want to let you get to know me
The way that I want to know you
Because the kid inside of me has fallen in love
With the kid inside of you.
I Met Her Inner Child Today

I met her inner child today


And she was beautiful in every way.
Her eyes were wide
Like the smile she smiled
It stretched for miles

I met her inner child today


And it made me want to run away
So shy I had to hide my face
But instead I stayed and we began to play

I met her inner child today


And she showed me how to smile again
I sat and watched,
Amazed by her grace
That in the last five months
As many times as I had looked,
I had never really seen..
But with the kiss of the night,
The falling light
Gently held her face
As all of my fears and insecurities began to fade
I met her inner child today
And believe me when I tell you,
It was great.
A Love Unplanned

Inhale with the deepest breath


And plunge head first
Into my mind
I want to show you a love that is kind
Beautiful and yours
I have a place
That exists inside of my soul
A universe all of my own
So much for you to explore
So much to be discovered
So much I’ve saved for you, my lover
So come inside my mind
Take off your jacket, stay awhile
I’ve traveled many miles
I want so bad to feel your smile
The warmth it brings
The songs my head sings
Join me on this journey
Give me your hand
As we plunge head first into this love, unplanned.
Meeting the Past

Ghosts from another life


show their faces at the most unexpected time
Its almost as if they can read my mind
remind me of stories and days left far behind
Each person has dug a hole
as deep into my flesh as my spine
and I wish I could have them all
all of the time
Daydreams

What happened to the summers spent,


dreaming of what was to come
reminiscing of what had went
Walking miles up and down mountains
just to spend time
with one another
in a time when we had no other
only our youths and endless dreams
of possibilities
Apple I

The bold round apple


Offers intense wholesomeness
I need to be healed
Cold Defeat

The wind snaps and cracks


Crack’ling with bitter laughter
Fore I know, I’m beat
Apple II

Estranged from the tree


An apple falls from a branch
Alone, beautiful
Immortality of Friendships

I see a face
in the cloud
and it reminds me of how
far I've come
from being a bum
yet being in love
with no one in particular;
life itself
and it makes me wonder
what happened to the happiness
that accompanied my innocence
dancing in the sky
as friends gone by
and I lie
on our backs against the cold earth
creating our own smoke filled visions of what will
be
with the warmth of our breath
the only light showing is the red embers still
glowing
of the cigarette or joint we've just thrown
the things we worried about
seem so far gone, and I wonder
how in the hell its been so long
since we've seen each other
the face in the cloud has moved on
and so must I until the chance
that life gives us one more opportunity to dance
with one another the way we danced
when we were young
The Pit

Lets play pretend


meet me under the shade tree
buried deep in the pit
where we used to meet
I’ll bring the vodka
you bring the weed
we'll talk about all the things
we meant to say during all the years
we were away
we'll continue to dream
about all that’s yet to be
just meet me under the shade tree
where we can pretend we're still seventeen.
Permission to Live

I never needed anyone else's


permission to live
i just did
I never needed anyone's approval
to exist
I just did
even when I wanted to no more
I sucked it up, found a spot on the floor
laid my head to rest and did my best
to fall asleep
never managing to make it deep
enough to not wake up
rise with the sun
pretend each day
is the first one
27 years later,
and I'm still here
27 years
and it's all the same
Wake with the sun
get up and try each day
just for the hell of it
just for fun.
Courage

Gone is the courage of generations before


to do something great in life
to create a world
that’s more than what it seems
to dig a little deeper at the scenes
and find out what it all means
I’m tired of being labeled
for not allowing preconceived notions
of what I should be
it's time to change the way
our time is spent
to stop worshiping men worth
a mere fifty cents and use our minds
or whatever may be left
to explore lives and worlds
not found yet
be the first, be the last, be the something,
be the someone, other than a face in the crowd
start being courageous find a voice
stop being indecisive, make a choice
hear the call
to march to the beat of a different drummer
remember age is nothing more than a number
Call it consciousness

I have at many times


lived a life
on the outside
of the rest of the world
like a window shopper
with no money
staring through un-penetrate able plexi-glass
cold and alone
No where left to go
standing in the snow
wondering how I got there
here, wherever I was
and wondering why I wasn’t one of them
in the warmth
by the fire
never ending dish of whatever it is
that I wish
being waited on as if I were somebody worth
being waited on
the site of food
always put me in a bad mood
because I always knew the sign by the door
the one in plain view
was for me not for you
Behind These Eyes

Behind these eyes


there lies
a plethora of lies
absorbed by this mind
and somewhere along the line
i tried to find
a truth
to call mine
A combination of stories heard
lessons learned
all the while
wondering when it'd be my turn
to feel satisfied
by all i have
instead of feeling the burn
of yearning for what I still need
and so it would seem
that I'm always the example
of the exceptions to all of the rules
fore my good deeds are rarely even noticed
much less returned
26 years...Lonliness

I spent twenty six years disappointing


people who didn’t care to begin with
twenty six years with no mother
besides Carol Brady
and the other television moms who raised me
my father was a myth
a lie that I told my friends
while the beaten child inside
looked around corners of my mind
he was a non alcoholic type with alcoholic
behaviors, every night I would
pray for a savior to save me
from the nightmares I lived
longing to be loved
clinging to anyone who showed
a kind, kind of smile
forgetting to check their pulse for a beating heart
causing mine to bleed even more
tears escaped the prison like walls that I built so
long ago
making my vision red
day after day
longing to be dead
i had my first drug
before I had my first real hug
one that was heart felt
and made my soul melt
into a puddle
on the bed
it could be said
the my love rained out
into a wet spot
my family threw me out
long ago with the wrapping paper
from our only good Christmas
the rest of my life was spent like this:
Trying to get by, holding onto anyone,
or anything that made me high.
Twenty six years later
I still can't shake this longing to die
and believe me its not that I don't try,
but the hurt that hurts, wraps its fingers
around my throat and chokes.
Every time I want to cry
every time I find that I've disappointed
another mind
let down another body
But nothing beats the disappointment
that I feel I open my eyes and realize
I still have no body.
Climb Your Own Stares:

People stare
oh how people stare
but really. Do people care?
To hear my story
and all that came
before me
getting on this train
no, no, because i am strange
I see the world through eyes of a soul
that is old
older than my body
cocky bitches sport shirts that read “hottie”
wonder why they're attracted to my boyish charm
the older people ask, why I have a naked woman
on my arm,
I smirk, and I smile
fore i too will stare
I'm not afraid of their judging eyes
their minds already formulating lies about what it
is that I do
but believe me when this encounter's through
you'll be thinking about me longer than I'll be
thinking about you.
The Perfect Drug

I'm a paranoid schizophrenic


little freak who lives in her own little world
while pretending to live in yours
and I'm aware enough to know it wasn’t the magic
mushrooms
or notebooks of acid
but the abuse of others that’s lasted for so long in
my mind
and if I could find another kind of drug
to make me forget
all of the times that I got hit
or told that no one would ever want to hold me
not only would I take it
I'd bathe in it.

The age of paranoia lives and breaths new life


into every one of our minds
some of us go mad
others don't seem to mind
but when it comes to mine
its like traveling through a desertous cave
full of mines
yet every once in awhile a splash
of happy
appears to have been painted
by the child who continues to exist deep inside
clouds and ducks
clowns and mimes
maybe it's the random traces of acid
that still allow me to have a good time
whatever it is there is no reason
and there is no rhyme
to the map displaying the path
for my journey written by
a dyslexic God that keeps me guessing about what
is next
and all be it odd
as hard as it has been so far
i can sit in any bar
and memorize the patrons within
with the story I'm living
because even when I want to die
i still find a reason why
i should get up and try
just one more day
because I never know
when the pain may actually go.
Next

These are the thoughts


I have yet to have thought before
No idea what's coming next
No idea what's got me so perplexed
my being has been hexed
my future wife, suddenly my ex
seriously man,
what the hell is next?
I Almost Cried

I almost cried this night


this night contained forever
in a forest of darkness,
I almost cried when she told me
she had to go
I felt as if a part of me
just died.
I feel the love of this woman
so deep into my heart
that the second our voices connect
I feel as if we are right next to one another
A woman so beautiful that the very idea of her
eyes
in my mind can only be compared to the diamond
like stars in the skies
gazing at reflections of themselves in the mirror
of an ocean on a full moon.
yep, I almost cried tonight
when she, who I felt the world as beautiful as for
just a brief moment in time
told me she had to go,
and it was because of him.
Mind Reader

My first experience with ESP


Was sitting on the floor
Tear streaked cheeks
Listening to the usual family fight
Nothing below 70 decibels
My closet door wide open
Everything I owned
Lay strewn about in front of me
The result of the red headed beasts rampage
Like a scene from Mommy Dearest
My clothes had not been hung perfectly
My shoes had not been placed neatly in rows
As was expected
Toys and games a reminder to them that I was a
child
Were supposed to stay hidden just like me
Now suddenly lie at my feet
And on this perfectly beautiful weekend
My sentence for committing the crime of being
seen
Was to mean
I had to perfect my imperfections all over again
Though no matter how it was done
With their rotating door of expectations
It would never be done right.
I remember being almost done
When the beast returned only to yell
And make me do it all over
My first encounter with ESP was as she left I called
her a bitch
Only in my mind
Only to have her turn around and yell “You can
think I’m a bitch all you want to”
After that I did what I could to master my own ESP
And meet their expectations
Before they could yell them at me
Death is upon me

death death
i hear it knock on my door
it is here
it is there
it is all around
I see it in the over powering darkness sneaking
up on a sunset
like a roaring ocean
angry and fierce
Death Death
the sound of the footsteps
pound in my ears
there will be more with each
rising year
Every time it strikes I fear it more
and know that its
just a matter of time before
mine is here.
Passion

I yearn for one more shot


To be in the presence of
The most amazing girl I’ve ever known
To feel the softness of her arm
lying on mine
as we walk the icy streets
in a tropical paradise
glaze
the nervousness as my
arm tingles with excitement
to be mingling with yours
my eyes fixated on every word
and glimmer in yours
with each second I melt
my soul is no longer a spark
but a raging inferno with
questions and passions to
absorb every drop of you
and outside of you there
is nothing
because without you
I am lost, and I wish I could
Trade in all of my Polaroids
To feel each moment with you
Over and over again.
Declaration of My Love

I have always loved you


Since the moment
Our eyes met
In this life
And every life
We’ve shared before
She’s Gone

Every night as I fall asleep


My minds eye meets yours
And we lie side by side
Yet you never talk
You never move
You’re right there in front of me
With the most beautiful smile
And widest eyes
But I can’t reach you.
Come back to my weakened heart
So I can replace this photo
On the nightstand
With hugs and kisses
Never letting go of this love again.
The Mystery of a Woman

The mystery lies behind


Her eyes
She smiles mischievously
As if the angels have whispered
All of life’s secrets
And she has what you want
Even if you don’t know what “it” is
Goodbye Soldier

Everywhere around me
phones are ringing
Uncle Sam and big brother
are on the line
singing the chorus'
to troops
to come and "join us"
stand up for your country
with a big salute
in your nicely pressed camouflage suit
Not just for you but for me
and our families
friends and strangers
no time for anger
so many lives are in danger
the boat will be pullin' up its anchor
and its all aboard sailor
lock up your trailer
3 months till whenever
before I'll see you again
so take good care big brother, of my friend
Because she answered your call
to fight the fight for us all
America wake up!

Stop hitting the snooze button


it's time to get to work
and my what work we have
ahead of us
The man in charge thinks we're all nieve
puts on his rubbery mask
and does the same little dance
as the wind up monkey run by the
homeless programmer he put out of work
And every day the campain bells
sound the lines of old women
eating cat food
(baked not fried)
just to stay alive
Support your country they say
Support your president!
It's the American way!
But where was this man when America needed
him?
Rushed off at avoidance speed
by CIA in fancy cars that the woman
waiting on the corner for the bus helped pay for
Fueled with $2.25 premium gas
(only the best for OUR Prez)
and no one asks
what's wrong with this picture?
Do you fear meeting the proverbial axe
held by heir Bush?
Wake up America,
this is war!
and doing nothing
can only lead to more...
(drama, pain, suffering, damage, disaster)
Prisoner Within

Each day becomes a quest


a search for a way out
digging helplessly through the pages of
an abundant phone book of contacts
email addresses, last names
memories of people that I've encountered
that could potentially be the one
to help me out of this trap that I've once again
found myself inside of
locked away,
inside of the perfect house
with the perfectly landscaped lawn
and American Flag hanging
front and center like a soldier
declaring the happiness of the humans inside
the four walls
painted bright colors of normalcy
upon first inspection
the home appears in perfect organized
cleanliness. Surely a sign of greatness.
The show that is put on
mirrors that of leave it to beaver
or the Brady bunch.
The actors are all just that; Actors.
it is all fake, props
the sociopathic farce of smiles and laughter
put on just for the visitors
that i so cling to
hoping just one will notice the sticker like smile on
my face
losing its stick
or the darkness of circles
years of embedded torment buried under hollow
eyes
from my hollowed soul
the emptiness I feel so longing to be filled
with the love of another
yet time and time again
they come,
to see the perfect house
up for sale,
or the perfect man
who appears to be the perfect male
and the side show freak of a daughter
that he has created for them
to laugh at and be bewildered by
No one sees the child inside
who still shudders at the sound of the front door
closing behind
his return from work
symbolizing the return to captivity
that I must live through every day
Influence

The most influential people in society


are there because:
1)They lie to you
2)And you believe it.
PANIC

Nervous
Bouncing volts of electricity
Charging!
Full speed ahead
Randomly, through my veins
Somebody help
Pull me out
Quicksand of stares
I feel it burning through
Everyone’s watching
All eyes on me
Pounding
Sweating
Nervousness
I have to go
Surrounded
Suppressed
Clamped
I can’t breath!
SURROUNDED
I can’t hear
I can’t see
Cloudy vision
Don’t look at me!
Like a multi-ball round of pinball
STOP!
The madness
It’s like being shown
Too many pictures at one time
Hearing too many radio stations simultaneously
And then the real panic
Creeps
And leaps
Upon me
Wrapping its hands tightly like a noose
Around my neck
Choking me
The army in my heart begins to attack
And even though all I want
Is to
GO
My body remains frozen
Paralyzed
Unable to move.
Oh leader?

All the good icons are


Dead
There’s no one alive
Good enough to worship
Get excited over, or even pin up on the wall
Of my smoke stained walls
There’s no real culture to follow
Everyone’s bored
Or lost
Or lost and bored
There’s no one to tell us
What to do
Or how to be
So we all run around
In fits of pandemonium
Like herds
Of cattle
Suffering from severe mad cow
Calling out religion

If reading the Bible


Causes so much hate
Then why should any one do it?
I know who God is.
And what it really means to believe
But the words
As written by man
Have lost their meanings
And we’re instructed by misguided souls
That god is all of the things he’s
Really not
In the bible, or in the 3rd row of the congregation
We’re told that Satan disguises himself
As goodness
In the name of God
But for some reason
I appear to be the only one who remains skeptical
Are we in such a society that we are so afraid
Of death
Meeting the real God that we
Deny ourselves the right to question
by throwing away our freedom of expression
To stand up
Against anyone holding a bible
Even though they are screaming out symbolic
obscenities
At our children’s funerals?
Should we not challenge our aggressors
Or have we really become too fat and lazy;
Too self absorbed to even think for ourselves
As opposed to having ourselves thought for?
THE END
Acknowledgements

I would also like to thank the following people in no


particular order:

Lou Layton
Dr. Sylvia Baer
Deborah Pace
Margaret Campalonga
Mandana Ighani
Debbie Boss
The Miller Family
The Family of Haydee & Agustin Rosado
Alicia Anthony & Family
The Scali Family
Diana Sullivan
Hope Norman-Holt and family
George Georgalas (Rest in Peace)
Dennis, Sean, Melissa, and Jennifer McHugh
Caroline Aufdemorte
Joe Singleton
Dr. Joe Manganello
Richard LeMin
Elizabeth Gentile
The Surrano Family
Jennifer Rogers
Rachel and E.C. Hood
Cassandra Furco and Greg Edwards
Schuyler Byrne

… And anyone else who’s dared me to dream or challenged me in


anyway.
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