Aladolf

That May
 Dedicated To
Kathryn & Elizabeth
Thanks for this Journey

I dont think the English language can

possibly describe what life itself can put us
through. All I can say is that what happens does
happen for a reason. I began this series in May of
2014, and each poem is the exact feelings I had
from that may all summer long. If nothing else,
take this much away from my poetry: Life is what
life is, we can change our paths but we cannot
change life itself. And please, never ever cut it
short because it is not cooperating with your
desires. You must fight, I must fight, we must fight.
But nobody said you had to fight alone, we can
fight together. You are never alone in your
problems, and never let someone be alone in their
problems. And never forget, that suicide is not the
answer, it is the question. The answer, is never.
The answer, is to Fight.
~Aladolf

1
2
 I Simply Ask How?
Depression.
Yes, I know. Sounds simple at first.
But is it what you feel?
Are you sure?
A line is not an indication.
Nor are two, or three, left or right.
Are you sure its you?
Are your peers not the cause?
Why, your initial blame may not be it.
No, it may not be you.
Have you listened to yourself?
I think not.
Dont listen to your shadow,
Listen to your heart.
To your standing peers of good influence.
Listen to me!
I may not be you,
But I can see you.
I can feel your putative pain.
You dramatic decline,
I see your fall!
Your cry for God!
You dont know its you!
Look around!
Pick out the shadows and the lights!
How do you know?
How?
You dont, so listen.
The lesson is about to begin.

3
 The Attempted Saving

I row and row down a river,

Concerned with everything at mind,
Away from the last thing I did find,
Because I could do nothing, so I left it.

Once suspended in the river,

A vase was floating down the stream.
So beautiful twas as if in a dream,
So I sought to procure it.

Faster and faster I paddled,

But had to slow down as not to hit it.
For damage and its style do not fit.
So my speed was limited.

It became more apparent it was not my vase.

For it swam away from my hands,
It was to controlled by the flows command,
And away from me it rushed.

But it needed my help,

The poor ignorant art swimming faster,
But only I could see it heading for disaster,
So I surrendered and let it alone.

I choose another stream,

And down the waterfall the vase will go,
It will break under its carriers glow,
What was water at the time is now rock.

Because I could not do anything, so I left,

Away from the last thing I did find,
Concerned with everything at mind,
I row and row down the river.
4
 Flawed Masks

You appear to be happy.

From day one, cheer was your theme.
Your mask worked so well,
There was not one noticeable seam.

But that was before I knew thee.

The darkness shadows your light.
Your eyes tell of the inside,
Your internal warfare, blood, and fight.

I know of such civil wars,

Youre not completely alone and you know.
But you wont admit it, not once.
You bury the dirt with snow.

But snow will always melt,

When the sun appears and the cold is gone.
The glaciers will slide away,
And your cover will move on.

Every mask must have holes for eyes,

And your eyes have a complex code.
But your new consumptions deteriorate.
And the complex lock has begun to erode.

I see your eyes.

Full of fear and depression.
Weathered by the war inside,
Afraid of suicidal oppression.

Your consumption enhances it,

Now we all see your face.
Im trying to help you along,
For this is something we can erase.

5
 Running Rabbit

Bounding.
Jumping.
Away,
Yet towards.
But what?
Shadows,
Light,
Or nothing at all.
Past trees,
Meadows,
Towns and cities,
Urbanization,
Destruction,
Rebuilding.
Not quite observed,
Rather ignored,
Unjudged yet underestimated.
Running.
Pouncing.
To yet from.
Perhaps to ghettos,
Negatives,
Slumps.
Nevertheless, moving.
Discovering.
Thriving.
Knowing.
Living.

6
 Schism War

If I die today,
I died in battle.
I died in warfare.
A civil war at that.

The odds will have won,

But my soul is elsewhere.
And what did he gain?
A purposeless corpse.

Alas, I cannot win.

Nor can I lose.
But Id prefer to be at peace.
Never has my preferred choice came.

This border on such land,

Such little land as it is.
Yet it's divided even more.
A schism of the soul.

This land has no worth,

It has nothing to give,
Nor anything to receive.
Why fight for nothing?

Which side writes this poem?

Which one do I listen to?
Who am I?
Is there an I?

Perhaps it's more like us.

Maybe its considered we.
I have not one conscience,
My useless soul is fought over.
7
It destroys the scape even more,
But it eventually it will be gone.
In this war, this battle,
Only one militia will win.

8
 Bird, Fear Me Not

Your wings are broken,

Yet you cry not in pain.
But your tears drown you.
Your face has blood stains.

Your feathers have marks,

Lines that are more than just design.
And I hear you silence,
For silence is something not of your mind.

Youre a bird, you sing.

Yet, you stay an unvocal crow.
You show your putative health by flying,
But your flight is so low.

Above my head you can manage,

But you can go much higher.
The beautiful nest is not enough to fool me.
I see youve been lit on fire.

I have cloth and aloe,

I possess the will,
I dont love you as I did,
But your songs once kept my ears filled.

The songs and tweets were fake.

But they were still there.
You can make them legitimate,
But solutions dont grow like pears.

Your tunes enlightened me,

Let me return the favor.
I have heard your silent cry for too long.
You fall to your mayor.

9
 The nasty vultures are wrong!
Dont eat the corpse they steal!
Your dark colored feathers are changeable.
We can make them real!

Dont fear me please.

I know Im a daemon being,
But you have potential on the other hand,
And it's much worth seeing.

10
 Two, Affected & Infected

Im scared,
Horrified at that,
I know not of what youll do,
And my conscience goes dark.

And the light begins to yield,

In terms of more than the inflicted,
As tragedy awaits you,
Horrid guilt awaits me.

You, for one, are certain,

You show no signs of hesitation,
Youll strike at any minute,
Tis the moment both of us fall.

I am in debt to you,
As poems before have elaborated,
And these lines dont even rhyme,
For I just need the thoughts on the page.

I beg you to stop,

I know not of what your lines say,
Every persons writing is unique,
But nothing good comes from yours.

Please tell me,

Let me help you,
Or at least help me understand,
You have such potential.

Your masks can become skin,

Your smiles become happiness,
Your hugs become love,
Your breath be more than just for life.

11
 I cannot let you go,
No, not at this time.
And never in this time,
You mean too much.

If you fall like a shot bird,

And Im not there to catch you,
Ill be following not far behind,
Falling,falling,falling

12
 Never Unheard

Upon commuting with a pal,

I found my theory to be true.
No words can be unheard ,
Even if there is only you.

For there is not an only you,

Your presence is always occupied by another.
Yet by nothing biotic, at that,
Not a pet or fly or mother.

Rather the structures we live behind,

These walls around us all.
For every word yelled or whispered,
For everything said in a phone call.

We cannot run from such planes,

For our modern life depends on such.
For protection against our enemies,
Or for when cold begins to touch.

We are never alone and solo,

Not in such an artificial sphere.
From huts to towers to campuses,
And temples and mansions and peers.

No dialog goes unheard,

not in a world such as we live in.
And we have no one to blame but ourselves,
For we are the ones who trapped us in this den.

13
 Music & I

The world is excruciating,

So cold and strong a lethal.
Its incredibly hard to master,
For there are no odds that are equal.

But what if we could escape?

What if there was a world customized?
What is we never had to live in fear?
What if one never had to open their eyes?

And in a world of harmony,

Where imagination is the only skill required,
In a world where rest is the only tax,
And no less than happiness could be acquired.

And no gas or time was needed to arrive.

And it was already built into our minds.
And the only external force was earbuds,
And from there charms is what youd find.

As such a deal has worked for me,

When the music starts to play,
When the tunes tell a tale,
And I live through several days.

All in a night's worth of listening,

And the notes dancing in my head.
I create stories and movies and lives,
While I lay upon my bed.

And the entertainment it brings to me,

The things that I can make,
All the books I can write in a night.
And none of it the government can take.

14
 No laws can take me down,
not when my soul is so high.
Making tales of love and drama and action,
Of those who marry, are born, and die.

The only sad part of it all,

Is when the sun awakes my soul.
And the realization that it was only a dream,
Is the only major toll.

But as they always have,

The nights will come once again.
And new movies and books will arise,
And where the last one ended, is where this one begins.

15
 To My Friends

Until recently, I cared truly not,

My emotions set to a minimum priority,
But I didnt realize what it meant,
To have such a form of social loyalty.

God put you on Earth for my sake,

For without you I would not exist.
Id parish by self-inflicted death,
For I could not let a lonely life persist.

From my darkest to my lightest,

You give me a reason to continue,
Your presence is my life support,
And my sore life is with you.

Dont leave me, not here all alone,

I show not my disparity for you all,
Nor my ecstatic appreciation,
But without my friends I would fall.

It was you who rose me once,

And continuously you do it over and over,
Every time I gain another one,
I must have found a shamrock clover.

One such as me finds friends not so easily,

But you people have such reaching hearts,
Although you may not realize it,
You helped keep me from falling apart.

And I pray to God for you all,

For your health, wealth, and beauty,
In the hands of the all-mighty lord,
To you, may he do his heavenly duty.

16
 I am not a man of heart,
So such thanks does not show,
But I love you people so much
And I hope thats something youll always know.

17
 My Dearest Apology

And there you all are,

Kind and forgiving of me,
But your tolerance is running low,
And thats not going unseen.

And my trust was once built,

With you and others like yourself,
But you're starting to close this book,
And leave it to collect dust on a shelf.

Your face once smiled in my presence,

But now, frowns take its place,
And I slowly become lonesome,
As I socially drift off into space.

And you only shrink smaller,

Rather tiny in such perspective,
But its your feelings who are the victims,
And your only being protective.

Although the link is thin and short,

I am relieved that one exists.
But if you're doing out of pity
Or kindness, please, do not uphold this mist.

Cut the small piece of connection,

For I wish not to bring you depression.
Not for me, should one be grave,
Go on, and submit your succession.

When we met is not now,

And you see me better and better,
And as you continue to hold on,
Your regret will only get heavier.

18
 For I understand your dislike
And hatred and distrust towards i.
When death is stowed upon me,
I comprehend you won't cry.

And nor do I want you to.

For I deserve not such love,
Rather than live my last name,
My character is an aggressive shove.

And Im sorry for my actions,

Every word, every moment, every day.
I know what Ive done is sin,
There is no opposition to say.

But I die today or tomorrow,

Ill first have my apology written.
Read it and absorb it, my final words.
And then turn and say to me good riddance

Im a demon, a devil if not,

And Ill admit you all should hate me.
For I deserve not your giving,
I deserve to simply leave.

Go on, beyond my evil doings,

Live with peers with kinder hearts,
Do not come back for me, never,
Let karma have me, so Ill fall apart.

19
 Us Refugees

In this common spot,

We stand, we fall.
With no one to catch us.

Both ran away,

From conflicts and politics,
Fleeing from trapped economies,
Communists, oppressions, and democracies.

Us refugees yet not considered so,

Rather maniacs and lunatics,
Lawless rebels, undisciplined children.

Outside of the law,

Were building and being rejected.
Floating with our rights unprotected.
But were here, outside, awy.

From them.
From the world.
From corruption.
Us refugees.

20
 Written Writings

You write,
Its history on your arm.
Its written by your hand,
Yet, the heart sounds an alarm.

These lines that you write,

Wilt thou not read them to me?
Give me your key of trust,
Open the gate so I can see.

I sense your stories ultimate chapter,

Thank god you havent wrote THE END.
You keep reopening pages,
Dear friend, just let them band!

Such writings contradict your faith,

God you truthfully pray to,
But your writings be of sin,
What do you think God will do?

You have a future ahead,

And every attribute can change.
From good to great and back again,
There is such a range.

But you the past in the present,

But your writings won't get you far.
Soon youll only have the past to live in,
Because your future will be no more than a star.

Nothing more than a star,

Not moving, but definitely there,
The shiny goal to next be achieved,
All because you left it in the air.
21
 Theres more to life than writing,
Theres more things beyond your lines.
Youll write more and more and more,
And then these lines, will be mine.

22
 God, Please Help Her

She runs,
But from something she cant escape.
Shes broken,
But it needs far more fixing than just tape.

She wont talk to me,

Not in truth or glee.
She wont let me inside,
She has a mask she wants us to see.

She tries to deflect me away.

Her circumlocution has no effect.
She leaves me querulous,
And leaves so much hate to detect.

And these branches and thorns,

That scrap her and beat her down.
But the lines she carves,
Only exist when herself is around.

Such brightness, such light.

Shes fighting for a reason.
Some logic in a world of theft,
And rape and murder and treason.

And she wont let me help.

Shes slipping day by day,
It builds up and darkens.
I wish it would just all go away.

Dear God, forgive my sins,

Dont take my friend ever so close.
Not a punishment such as that.
Let her live like she did when the rose began to bloom.

23
 Bracelets and Sleeves

The secrecy behind material,

The secrets that compose the literals.
The literal pain that is felt.
And the pain that hits the spiritual.

To claim it as no more than style.

But it covers up a pile.
The stack of pain built up,
One thats been built up for a while.

But when the fabrics and plastics are lost,

And you see what the hiding has cost.
And the tears of embarrassment pour.
And your emotions are grown over with moss.

And its a temporary solution,

Something so you can draw other conclusions.
But then something slips other than metal,
And then theres a new resolution.

You constitute an immoral habit,

Then you show your emotions like a rabbit.
You run off and hide,
Then use other accessories because you have it.

You wont fight for logic not know to me,

Perhaps youll never let me see.
But you will not fall down.
Not wearing those bracelets and sleeves.

24
 Age Eight

Its so different now,

This cosmos in which I live.
And I only strive to know how,
For all other passions are gone.

I saw love and compassion through my eyes,

And animals and Gods creations so happy.
But now it seems everything dies,
As if life never existed.

These prayers I once prayed

Before every meal and every night.
But that habit hasnt stayed.
It died back in an April.

That April everything changed for me,

From optimism and heart,
To where hell is all I see.
And I wish it wasnt so.

The troops are dying and fighting,

But I knew not of this,
Now there is many sightings,
And not all of them are in the army.

From the goodness placed in my heart,

By my grandmother so dear to I,
And all those values fall apart,
And attacked her character when she died.

And I knew not my family well,

But now I know it very clear now.
And one of them rests in a prison cell,
But hid his title for so long.

25
 My love for him is perplexed,
And regrets and pains fill my soul.
All of these thoughts and emotions mixed.
I can only learn and suffer more.

The change of parental hands,

Followed by storm cells and earthquakes.
When bird houses fall of their stands.
And shattered into many pieces.

The eggs crushed, the mother dead.

No one understands it.
But such a story is not easily said,
And it began with my mistake.

Like many things.

26
 Your Bed, My Fault

You shined like the stars,

A blinding light to heavens sky
But I've missed that brightness,
Ever since you tried to say goodbye.

The veins on your wrists were opened,

You casted a self eliminating sin.
I wish you were like the mask you wear,
But you only wore those back to then.

And I tried to help but I failed,

You psychologically fade away,
While I sit here in regrets,
Knowing this is the price I must pay.

And you're the one,

Lying in the hospital bed.
But it seems to me that lately
I am the one who's dead.

I'm sorry my dearest friend,

I could not help you get through hell,
And my depression drowns me,
Knowing you tried to ring the bell.

I should have been there,

I should have never let it get this far,
You almost ended as a dark void,
But you began to me as a star.

This is my fault,
I apologize that it almost ended,
How could I've such a hater,
To someone I deeply befriended.

27
 But in all the stars I've seen,
You by far shine the brightest.
Your potential happiness can be reached,
As you showed me through kindness.

28
 Never Do

You showed your signs,

and I began to panic out of control.
It drug me out of
my dark and little hole.

I was trying to catch the bird,

Before it flew into the fan.
But I was far too short to reach,
And now the bird can't even stand.

I could have said something

To put some doubt in your mind about this.
But I never said a word,
And let you keep drawing on your wrists

That day you sent me a message,

You said to message someone else again.
I said "okay" and left it at that.
You probably had an inverted grin.

I could have said "hello",

Started a conversation instead.
Not realizing that it was the last words
Before you were almost dead.

And you tried to slip away,

You tried to get away from life.
And you fought hell back with its wish,
Your entire world began to rife.

But God loves you friend,

You need to live until it's truly time.
Your future has great things in store,
Although the air may taste of lime.

29
 You must fight off the pain,
I will help to my best extent.
We are all here for you,
Although your life is a giant dent.

Yet you have survived the lines,

And I can't express how glad I am for that,
For when you fell down,
I crumbled upon, this thorny Mat.

And what you did is what I'll do,

You and your sister are too much to lose,
If you leave then I will too,
For your lose is more than just a bruise.

These days are dark for both of us,

I wish the black clouds would go away,
But we will meet again in time,
And everything will heal, one day.

30
 And Her Sister

Ever since things started,

Since our worlds went black,
And things are brighter now,
But it down doesn't seem we're going back.

We had came together over this,

And you became my best friend.
But lately you've turned away from me,
Has our friendship come to an end?

I know I have failed,

Your sister laid in a hospital bed.
The darkest of times are gone,
For the love of God no one is dead!

We can all move on from, this!

I have never meant you any pain,
Please my friend, it's not over!
Our friendship can still sustain!

Bound by mutual concern,

But once is gone, so are we?
You said nothing is my fault,
But then what have I done to thee?

Every message I send,

Is another message ignored.
You view them but don't respond.
Am I nothing but a board?

You trust me not now,

Your sights of me now sour.
And I think of what I could've done,
My fear building to heights of a tower.

31
 Please, just tell me to go away,
Don't leave me with unanswered conversation.
Speak to me of your logic and feeling,
At least speak to end this relation.

But regardless of what you say,

However you make you side end,
Just know that if you need someone,
That I may not be yours, but you are my friend

32
 Now I See Why

Upon fatal scars,

And engraved lines,
Is the nonplussed question
Of why one pays the fines.

But only one who also does

Can see why she pays.
And although it's not of good sense,
It's pleasure in your final days.

To you, it seems like dark red,

Simple maroon fatally escaping.
Down the hand, off the fingers,
The body lays slowly draining.

The tears fill your eyes,

And your heart weighed down ever so,
Such tragedy and darkness
Fills your mind as the fluids flow.

At times, perhaps, it's just a sign,

A warning that grows deeper within,
The blade kills not this time,
But there's a difference between now and then.

But these fluids flow,

Whether it flows enough to kill or not.
And a sense of satisfaction comes
Since glee can nowhere else be sought.

Relaxing as life drains away,

The maroon equivalent to depression.
Opening the artery so wide is
Like a gate away from oppression.

33
The words you speak are unsupported,
You know not the relief it brings,
It's not so deep momentarily,
But the angels will eventually sing.

Upon the darkest symbols,

Are written upon her and my wrists,
Perhaps we Will die one day,
And we will be where happiness exists.

34
 This Hurricane's Eye

The winds howl and roar,

Rain and debris conclude the view.
The environment torn to shreds
The floods too violent to leave due.

Around me I see victims fall,

My chums once hand in hand just gone,
Wisped away by the storm,
Not sure if it's dusk or dawn.

Is death arising over the hills?

Or maybe life is setting perhaps.
It seems no individual survives,
In such a cyclone of mishaps.

Dear friend water once quenched my thirst,

But now she drowns me so.
And it seems comrade sunshine is gone,
Why did sue have to go?

And my cloudy pals were once truthful,

Innocently making pictures in the sky.
Light turns to horrid lightning
All because sunshine seems to have died.

But in the cyclone where all my friends have turned,

In the center one still remains.
My only friend from mutual concern,
She is the eye of the hurricane.

Although not of intimacy,

She is the only other friend I hold.
Just trying to let the storm degenerate
The only neutral this storm holds.

35
 She gives me shelter in such storm,
And we both wait for the winds to break.
Who knew nature could respond so demonic,
Because I made another mistake.

But the storm will calm eventually,

And the eye turn into a friend next to me,
And elements will return to people,
When sunshine reveals itself to the.

36
 Other Than This Lamp

Tonight, I write again,

The same as when it all began.
Yet this time, a different tone,
because for the first time, Im not on my own.

This has been a dark journey,

far darker than the suit of an attorney.
and although this road isnt done yet,
I think this one will end without regrets.

Although depression drives my soul,

I think tonight Im eating out of a different bowl.
Today I spoke with her, and shes okay.
and as for me, well, Im making my way.

Let me take a spell just to again see,

all the things that have happened to me.
I lost a friend but gained another one,
I realized that drugs are just for fun.

That the abusers of substances arent bad,

and that life itself isnt always sad.
Although in likes to throw arbitrary harms,
I managed to block it with simply my arms.

And were in a slum as I speak,

but at least this story is past its peak.
Eventually, we will move on,
well go from lying dead to running marathons.

And it seems that light has returned,

but it is not the one by which I was burned.
Its not the upon my desk,
and its not my love in a pretty dress.

37
 Its a light of renewal and second chances,
the moral of living only enhances.
Friends again and the past behind,
absorb life, and release the dark from my mind.

The next time a storm rolls in,

full of hatred, suicide, and sin,
I will not not fall, and neither will my friends.
For I will be with them, till the end.

38
 Now

Now I know,
details I never thought I would.
Now Im aware of things,
that could be shaped into good.

Now Im back,
Connected with her once again.
Now I can act,
Like I did when it all began.

But if I had known,

That it was really all just a mistake.
And if I had known,
All the happiness it would take.

Yet if I had known,

That the limit would have been exceeded.
And if I had known,
All the blood that would have bleeded.

But now I know,

that things arent buried yet.
And now I know,
Not to push for what they let.

Now I know,
That life can push you past the point.
Now I know,
What its like to break the joint.

If I had known,
That only failure laid ahead.
If I had known,
that she would be in a hospital bed.

39
 If I had known,
God never failed with his surprise.
If I had known,
What you can see through her eyes.

But now I know,

That darkness could kill us not.
But if I had known,
That God would put me on the spot.

Now Im alive,
And our souls are fed.
But if I had know,
Would I have been dead?

40
 Temporary Picnics

At this picnic we sit,

Devouring sandwiches and drinks.
Chattering as peaceful beings,
Not caring what other people think.

And just like before the war,

We share laughs and sarcasm.
Humorous comments fill the air,
we all appear to be having muscle spasms!

The war cost us a great deal,

Pain and tears and cuts and sorrow.
At times I never wanted to wake,
Sometimes I pleaded for no tomorrow.

Yet, you are recovering and regenerating.

With what you said, so am I.
As you remain vivid and you heal,
I will continue to slice the delicious pie.

Ill serve the cake upon a plate,

as we move on and rebuild from hell.
We pray for war to never break again,
But I suppose only time will tell,

And we pack up and we depart,

For now we go our separate ways.
You all return to recovery,
While my battles are still on for days.

But I am ecstatic this one is at peace,

that the war has been pacified at last!
But although we have won this conflict,
Im still battling ones from the past.

41
 So as our picnics go on so merely,
I still have many wars to lose and win.
But my wars only hurt me internally,
So my smiles me a lie, and a lie a sin.

42
 Something About Myself

Twas upon a grounding of mine,

That I learned a peculiar fact.
On a subject I dont study much,
It was about myself to be exact.

Perhaps it seems dramatic,

But it explains conclusions from the past.
Then and now are times of corresponding terms,
And can be explained at last.

Ironically, sociality is my key.

It appears friendships are prior to most.
For in the presence of loneliness,
My character turns to that of a ghost.

And for many summers in the shadow,

Where the summers warmth was physical and no more.
It was now I gained connections,
And then recently away it was tore,

Now I feel as I did before,

On an island with nobody but me.
My social status depreciating,
This punishment was devastating me.

But one day it shall rise again,

For my reevaluation is within time.
Next time I shall be more thoughtful,
And think of it more than just a time.

43
 Your 15th Birthday

Tonight I think of tomorrow,

And wish there was another day I could borrow.
Upon sunrise it is your birthday,
its your very special day.

And I wish I could be there to witness the thing,

And the thought of restriction brings a sting.
Friends ever so dear to me,
And your aging is what I cannot see.

A punishment, it is, that keeps me away.

Otherwise I would be with you on that day.
My communications cut off from you,
I sit here trying to think of what to do.

Please know I havent forgotten it.

For I feared that you would for a bit.
Im still waiting on my emancipation,
It is then I will be at your station.

I can only pray to go to say it for me,

All the cheers and chants I have for thee!
Happy Birthday, my dearest friends,
Im hoping one day well meet again.

44
 A Waste

My life is a waste,
Or so it seems.
The only exotic things I live
are in my dreams.

Stuck behind a computer screen,

Or cleaning the house I reside in.
It seems like hell is now,
And that all the fun was then.

Seven years ago I had a relaxing day,

Nothing to worry about or trip on.
My childhood is still supposedly here,
But why does it feel like its gone?

Innocence and ignorance vanished,

The world of play collapsed on top
of me, happiness is rarely seen,
Sometimes I wish the world would stop.

They tell me to enjoy these days,

Because you cant get your childhood back.
But every vase of enjoyment has fallen
and has broken before the childhood rack.

Perhaps these days will be reimbursed,

And maybe Ill get remunerated all these years.
But I get the feeling I wont,
That by the end, Ill be destroyed by fears.

The enjoyment is the plead,

but it is the required labor they apply.
Depression is the only legitimate outcome,
And even then it has to be kept inside.

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 If it hasnt been made clear
this life is not worthy of my soul.
God, just take it away,
forget me reaching my goals.

It started out on a demons foot,

and how do I know itll end on an angels?
I don't, and thats all the logic I need,
to show that my tolerance only dangles.

46
 Away

Take me away,
away from pressured perfidies,
away from the lack of acknowledgment,
away from overflowing seas.

These seas fueled by storms,

With rains and downpours of maroon.
Sharpened by sinful winds
And the lies that thunder not ending soon.

The world flooded in dark red,

And Im stuck abandoned or so it seems,
In this devil's storm with dark skies,
Death is the only thing in dreams.

I say to take me away,

But my tiny island is all that remains.
On my sleeves and shirt red is dyed upon,
But Im the one who produced those stains.

Away from what you ask?

Away from this storm at sea?
No, the storm is inside the problem.
Take me away from me.

47
 Blemishes

Every imperfection is observed,

Taking note of every error I vide.
It seems a horror upon my skin,
I wish for a place I could forever hide.

There is no mole I dont criticize,

Not one batch of acne goes unhated.
Trapped in this costume of ugliness,
Myself is anything but appreciated.

The mirror shows the shame in my eyes,

the regret of facing my reflection.
The worry that my countless errors
Will ultimately lead to rejection.

My gait considered awkward,

Everyone comments on the matter.
The one and only positive aspect I own,
Is that I have yet to get fatter.

My speech is difficult to comprehend,

The voice and tone I possess degrades me.
Im not as idiotic and mean as I present,
I feel so sorry for what others have to see.

They consider me socially impaired.

I hold not one noticeable talent within.
Physically I was a misformation.
Internally Im strictly composed of sin.

The factor is irrelevant and ineffective,

For I never tend to cry.
The riddance of a major blemish
is the equivalent to when I die.

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They say there is no such thing as mistakes,
But how could such a hideous sight as I
Be created with intention or potential
When forever alone is how I lie?

49
 Paterfamilias

Stranded and alone,

Chums are far away.
I know not of them,
and I wont for many days.

On an island I am,
Or at least thats how it seems.
Only to escape,
Through the passage known as dreams.

Lots of things to do,

Plenty to keep me entertained.
But none to achieve my want
To keep relationships maintained.

The world looks at us

Like we have no friends.
As if we were snakes
All alone in our dens.

And we come out only at night,

Only to strike one another.
Whether it be one at head,
Or it be my own brother.

As if we were all atheists,

Which is a title I wont accept.
But how can I explain myself,
When the paterfamilias intercepts?

I cannot reach my friends,

Although I have many so.
As I socially decline,
I have to watch them go.

50
 And perhaps I be not in trouble,
But obedience is not worth all this.
The paterfamilias tying me up here,
The reason I will never kiss.

The reason I have socially failed,

Why Im technologically disengaged,
THe reason Im deemed a prick!
The reason I act overaged!

Perhaps my future is straighter,

But he has completely darkened my days!
Paterfamilias made my future strong,
but he has thrown my only childhood away

51
 To My Cousin

Although not by blood,

Youre a cousin to me.
Let me explain life to you,
But from a completely different view.

As you have seen through your eyes,

Family is a complex system.
Whether they are of blood,
Whether they are nothing to you.

But the titles to them are significant,

Alas, titles mean nothing to you.
You go off the official labels,
Instead of the ones measured by love.

You sit not lovingly next to the ones who love,

You sit morally decaying Inside.
This is how you sit,
Because you have been taught wrong.

This is what you have:

A negative reputation of your character.
This can all change,
Upon the day that you realise

Upon the day that you realise

This can all change,
A negative reputation of your character,
This is what you have:

Because you have been taught wrong

This is how you sit.
You sit morally decaying inside.
You sit not loving the ones who love.

52
Instead of the ones measured by love,
You go off the official labels.
Alas, titles mean nothing to you.
But the titles to them are significant.

Whether they are nothing to you.

Whether they are of blood,
Family is a complex system,
As you have seen through your eyes.

But from a completely different view,

Let me explain to you,
Your a cousin to me,
Although not by blood.

53
 At Home

Although it wasnt a sermon,

Although it wasnt a sunday morning.
I finally felt at home,
As if there was no warning.

In the house of the lord,

My nerves are all at once relaxed.
I wasnt worried about being judged,
My entire soul was taken aback.

Back to the simpler days in life,

And I wish I went to church.
But that hint of religion,
Let my fly off my perch.

May one day I return there,

To a place I felt loved by all.
To the place I felt at home,
To the one place I could walk tall.

54
 That May

Ive learned a lot since May.

That May and the summer that followed.
It is now February of next year,
But yet not all of the story has been swallowed.

I feel the need to conclude this,

As poetry is no longer typical of me.
Let me explain where the bar is set,
Now that the war is below sea.

The friend I thought had left me, her sister,

is now my greatest companion.
We now fight each others battles fully,
And will never again leave each other abandoned.

My comrade I failed to save is alive,

She has openly exposed her homosexuality.
As home, she and her sister face troubles,
But they found each others trust in actuality.

As it turns out, love is in my reach.

A few relationships have indeed crossed my path.
Needless to say neither lasted,
But by now it is again easy to laugh.

We all still carry some regrets,

But overall we are living better.
Socially, some of us are still suffering,
But we have stronger bonds to keep us together.

Suicide no longer crosses my mind,

For my best male friend inspired me so.
I would rather be a role model,
For all those who are wishing to go.

55
 My best female friend and I,
Well, weve made pacts to help each other.
So many people tell me Ive helped them,
I get told that one after the other.

But maybe thats because I realised,

That for as long as I have my friends,
Me nor my comrades will die.
I will insure,
That I,
That They,
That We,
That Until God Calls,
Shall go on
Until the end.

27, February, 2015

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