A Woman of Color Seen Invisible

By Laritza Salazar

Stacks of clutter fill a small four by two-foot desk draped in books, pens and
drugs. The low-lit room stocks a full-size bed and the walls hold Nirvana posters
that scatter the modest four walls of a college bedroom. The walls shadow the
glimpses of darkness that surrounds one Syracuse University student in her
battle with depression.

One, two and three, she points to the prescription bottles on her desk and
drawer.

Adrianna Cummings, 20, is a sophomore at the school of Visual Performing Arts

who currently takes medication to alleviate the side effects of her depression.

Im on an anxiety medication called Colonzepam, a stimulant for ADHD,

Adderall, and I take something to help me sleep, said Cummings.

In a 2011 study conducted by the American College Health Association, about one
in four college students report suffering from depression or some mental illness.
Despite the hum-drum noise surrounding the issue, mental health drives
dangerously within the college atmosphere. Cummings breathes among the
crowd of those who struggle with mental health.

At first glance Cummings appears abstract. Her hair worn in a short natural
shrub that fades red at the tip. She wears a simple t-shirt beneath a studded
leather jacket. Her clean face, bridged beneath the under-eye bags. Her dark
apparel only a reflection of the much dimmer reality she lives.

Her illness was not particular to her in her family. Raised by a single mother,
Cummings witnessed first hand the depth of mental illness with an undiagnosed
mother.

Growing up was weird because my mom has bipolar and mild ADD, and my dad
has ADD. So Im just like, a combination of all fucked up, said Cummings.

From early on in her childhood, Cummings relationship with her mother hit a
brick wall. The two struggle to find balance in their relationship because of her
mothers illness. Her father left the picture when she turned 3, and her mother
picked up the pieces of a broken marriage and household alone.

Initially Cummings did not know her mother had bipolar but questioned her
change in behavior. When she mentioned it to other family members they
dismissed any possibility of her mother having mental health troubles.
There were these constant mood swings and its like, Im living by myself with
someone who was not diagnosed, so I didnt know how to be a kid growing up.
Anything could set her off, but she was also really hard working. Its an aspect of
her I miss that I feel like medication took away, she said.

For Cummings, school sheltered much of her insecurities, especially as a dark-

skinned black girl. Remarks about her skin from her peers made her despise her
appearance.

One of my earliest memories is probably being in pre-school. I remember one

day I came home, and you know how you take pictures for school? My family had
a whole envelope of pictures of me, and I hated the way I looked. I always got
teased from the get go about my skin and shit like that, she said with a loud
laugh.

She shrugs her shoulders and giggles again as she combs back through the
splinters of her past.

Cummings went to a predominantly white school, which made her feel isolated
from her classmates. The closest person to having her skin tone was a mixed
Latino student. Cummings did not interact a lot of with other black students until
high school and even then, the subtle racist remarks continued.

Her mothers illness forced Cummings to deal with the bullying alone. When she
did say something, her mother demanded she have strength.

My mom was always that person that would tell me You need to be
independent, you need to grow up. The world is hard, everyone out there is going
to be like this, theyre going to be hard on you. So stop crying, and wipe your
face. She wasnt warm and comforting all the time, she said

Despite her mothers blunt words, she still cared for her daughter. Before her
mothers conditioned worsened, she woke up every morning at 5 for work and
wouldnt let Cummings leave for school with a crinkle in her skirt. Her mother
worked most of the day but still remained involved when Cummings needed her.

Sometimes I would be sent to the principals office- not for doing anything bad,
it was because I was just so upset. They would call my mother to come get me and
she always did, she never left me there, she said.

Cummings struggle began in elementary, many students develop mental

illnesses when emerged in the frenzy of college life.

Cory Wallack, a counselor at the SU counseling center, has worked with the
department since 2003 and interacts with students dealing with these issues.
For some, the competitive setting along with financial concerns, along with
being on their own can be a trigger. Many other students though experience
depression for reasons that have nothing to do with academics, although their
depression negatively impacts their academics, said Wallack.

Symptoms of depression include feelings of hopelessness, chronic sadness, loss of

interest in activities, regular loss of appetite, moodiness, lack of energy, or
thoughts of wanting to die.

Cummings experience with school triggered much of her self-consciousness that

eventually spiraled into an on-going battle with depression.

I cant remember when I didnt feel depressed. I was always upset as a kid, she
recalled.

As Cummings grew, her isolation worsened. As parts of her identity came to light,
the darkness grew.

Black people made fun of me because I was too dark, white people made fun of
me for just being black. I started fucking myself up. I thought I was a sin. It didnt
help when I found out about my sexuality. It just made it way worse, she said.

Growing up in a Christian household made coming out more difficult for

Cummings. She tried her best to hide herself hoping to avoid criticism.

I hated myself, for a lot of my life I didnt want to exist. I wanted to be as small
as possible because I thought the smaller I was the less people would pay
attention to me, she said.

Cummings grew up in Syracuse and lived much of her childhood in isolation.

College, however left her less room for anonymity among the thousands of
students who attend the University.

Initially, Cummings wanted to go to school outside of Syracuse to escape the

place that harbored much of her pain. However, upon receiving a full scholarship
through the Higher Education Opportunity Program, Cummings decided to
attend SU.

When Cummings arrived for her freshman year in the fall of 2013, her desire to
be discrete was overshadowed by the diverse population of students who wanted
to know more about her.

I met so many different people here. I met people who actually like me, because
of my skin. I met people who also still didnt like me because of my skin, said
Cummings
Despite her unstable relationships, Cummings built some solid ground to walk on
with the help of her roommate, Sarah Ibrahim.

Ibrahim and Cummings met their freshmen year when they were assigned
roommates. Both played guitar and wrote poetry, and eventually built a
friendship with stones of similarity.

We've become sisters. We are around for each other's highs and lows, and are
accepting of both. I can't imagine going through my college experience without
her having started it off, said Ibrahim.

Both Ibrahim and Cummings help and support each other in times of need and
even plan on living together again in the fall.

This semester, she's been taking her medication, eating healthily, getting
enough sleep, and attending her classes, said Ibrahim.

Cummings began taking medication at 13, and still takes them seven years later.
Her depression developed into a battle with both insomnia and episodes of
bipolar disorder.

There are definitely off days: when she doesn't eat, when she's going through a
transitional period with her meds, or at a low point emotionally. On those days,
it's particularly hard. And on those days I worry the most, said Ibrahim.

On those off days the girls keep each other company, some nights even simply
just sleeping on the same bed to get through the night. They sleep beneath
separate sheets in hopes that her sleeping medication steeps in before her fear of
sleeping alone. On worse days Ibrahim hides potential triggers from Cummings,
including the kitchen knives.

College, although a more accepting environment, has not cured Cummings of her
illness. In a new scene, she still struggles with her state of mind.

Cummings copes through her art, she studies illustration in VPA and what she
cant bleed physically, she lets out on paper. Cummings art reflects what she feels
and who spark them. She paints in dark pastels and plasters her truth on to a
canvas. She hopes to move to New York City after graduation to pursue an art
career, which she says does not need to be upheld by material payoff. For
Cummings, she can endure the world if she can color it.

They tell me that people dont get cured from bipolar, so they expect me to be
medicated for the rest of my life. This is biological, this is medical, you cant
change this, said Cummings.