THE WANGS

"HECKler" (S1E6)

Written by

HARRY JONATHAN CHONG

10/4/2015

MINDY, AND EMILY GO ON A RESCUE MISSION INTO THE DEPTHS OF HELL TO

SAVE THE SOULS OF CHANG, AND HARRY.
EXT. CRAPPY APARTMENT BUILDING DAY

99 Oaks, California... Wow, this building looks crappy.

INT. WANG'S CRAPPY APARTMENT DAY

A one bedroom apartment, with peeling wall paper, 1980s

furniture, and a bucket collecting drops of water coming down
from the ceiling.

The family is clustered together. Emily, and Harry are

sharing a single chair, sitting at a particle board desk
doing sums.

Meanwhile, Mindy is using a cooking pot as a cauldron, and

Craig is lying on the floor, with the front panel of his
belly open, being tuned up by Chang.

CHANG
(fixing Craig)
Alright, a little turn here, a
little twist there, and then --

Suddenly the innards of Craig has a mini explosion, and there

is a cloud of smoke. Everyone pauses what they're doing to
look.

MINDY
Honey, are you okay?

Chang coughs from the smoke.

CHANG
Yeah. I just screwed something up.
He gets up, and gets a fire extinguisher, and puts out the
fire over Craig. He then goes to the window, and opens it as
wide as it goes. He takes in a deep breath of the fresh air.

HARRY
(to Chang)
Lady Science, huh? She's a fickle
one. It's not like writing; you
can't bullshit your way through.

CHANG
I guess not.

Chang goes back to Craig, who appears inoperable, picks him

up, and puts him in a garbage can. Emily, and Harry stand up;
Mindy turns, and all three stare at Chang.
 2.

EMILY
Dad! What are you doing?

CHANG
Craig is totally broken. He's like
a woman with westernized values. I
can't fix him.

HARRY
That's not very nice of you to say.

Chang has a conniption. He suddenly grabs Harry by his head,

and shakes him, but not violently, just enough to make his
face jiggle.

CHANG
Well, Harry, if you're so smart,
why don't you take care of this
family? Do you even have the balls
to do that?! No, your balls are too
small - and wrinkly! Like an old
elephant's back!

Mindy goes over to Chang, and gingerly but firmly pulls one
of his hands off Harry's face.

MINDY
Chang, I think you're losing it.
You better cool your jets. Why
don't you go out for a walk or
something?

Chang lets go off Harry, and turns around.

CHANG
Yeah, that's -- that sounds like a
good idea.

Chang starts walking towards the front door. Doing so, he

knocks down the bucket collecting water. When the water
spills, Chang flips out, and kicks the empty bucket aside.

CHANG (CONTD)
(points)
SCREW YOU, BUCKET! YOU THINK YOU'RE
SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME!? Well,
you're not!

Emily, Harry, and Mindy looks at each other awkwardly, like

they're all thinking Chang's lost his mind.

Chang walks out of the apartment, slamming the door behind

him.
 3.

EXT. BRIDGE OVER WATER DAY

Chang is standing on the edge of the bridge, looking down

into the water. He's thinking about jumping.

CHANG
Alright, Chang, don't wuss out now.

Chang takes a step forward, one foot off the ledge, and then
stops when he hears a sneeze: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaachooo!

CHANG (CONTD)
What was that?

Chang turns his head, and sees a DWEEB wiping his nose with a
tissue, and filming with a camera.

CHANG (CONTD)
(to Dweeb)
EXCUSE ME. Are you recording this?

The Dweeb nods.

CHANG (CONTD)
Why?

DWEEB
So I can upload it to the internet.

CHANG
You know I'm trying to commit
suicide?

DWEEB
I'm well aware.
CHANG
And you're not gonna try, and stop
me?

DWEEB
Why would I do that?

CHANG
Because that's what a good person
does!

DWEEB
I don't have time for this. Just
jump already, so I can put this
online, and jerk off to it.
 4.

CHANG
Wait? WHAT? EW! You fucking
pervert!

DWEEB
Okay, I'm a pervert. So what? Lots
of people are perverts. Do you know
about Katy Perry?

CHANG
I don't care about Katy Perry.
She's probably an idiot like you.

Chang climbs over the guardrail, and goes back onto the main
ground of the bridge.

CHANG (CONTD)
And I'm not going to commit
suicide, because fuck you, man.

DWEEB
Aw, seriously?

Chang starts walking away, and flips off the Dweeb. As he is

walking a handsome man in a suit, and top hat joins him. This
is SATAN.

Satan tips his hat to Chang.

SATAN
Hello, mind if I join you?

CHANG
Yes, I do mind actually.
SATAN
Come on, don't be such a
curmudgeon. Do you know who I am?

CHANG
Well, no. This is my first time
meeting you.

SATAN
Then allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Satan -- mother fucker!

Thunder claps.

CHANG
Do you have to swear?
 5.

SATAN
Of course I have to swear. I'm
Satan. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, mother fucker, tits.

CHANG
What do you want, Satan?

SATAN
Listen to me. Unlike God, when
people are in trouble, I come to
help, and today you have been
selected.

CHANG
You're going to help me? Let me
guess, you want my soul.

SATAN
Oh, will this be a problem?

CHANG
No, because: 1) I don't believe
you're Satan, and 2) Get the hell
away from me.

SATAN
Tell you what, pal. I'll leave you
alone, if you sell me your soul.
All it requires is an oral
agreement. Just say I can have your
soul, and poof! I'm gone. Oh, and
of course of horse, I am a fair
person, so you will be
appropriately compensated
CHANG
Fine, you can have my soul. Just
leave me the fuck alone.

SATAN
As you wish. Good day to you, sir.

Satan goes poof! and disappears. Chang stops walking, and

in disbelief looks at the spot where Satan once was.

CHANG
What just happened? OH, CRAP. I
actually sold my soul to Satan, and
I didn't even ask him for anything
in return. Y'know, I really wanted
to bring back the Hitler mustache.
(MORE)
 6.
CHANG (CONT'D)
I mean, I don't want to bring it
back, but I just think it should be
acceptable as a style of mustache.
It's not fair that one man could
ruin something for every single
person on Earth. We should be able
to have a Hitler mustache without
being accused of a hate crime.

Chang whaps his fist into the palm of his hand.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES DAY

The new Wang household, a nice, 3 bedroom house, with a 2 car

garage.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM, 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Chang awakes, and slowly opens his eyes. He sits up, looks
around confused. He's in a beautiful, big bedroom.

CHANG
Where, where am I?

Chang spots Mindy sleeping beside. With a vigor he shakes

her.

CHANG (CONTD)
MINDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Startled, Mindy throws off her blanket, and thrashes about.

MINDY
WHA-WHA-WHA-WHAT'S GOING ON?!

CHANG
Mindy!

Mindy sees Chang, and calms down.

MINDY
Chang, what's the matter?

CHANG
What's the matter? Where am I?
How did I get here?

MINDY
Oh, you must be suffering from
amnesia.
 7.

CHANG
Amnesia? I don't know what that
means.

MINDY
Temporary memory loss.

CHANG
Go on...

MINDY
That's it. That's the definition.

CHANG
Can you please tell me what
happened to me?

MINDY
Well, you fell off a bridge, and
went into a coma. Then when you
were in the hospital, I scratched a
scratch ticket to pass the time,
and I won A LOT of money. I kinda
felt bad for doing that happy
dance, knowing you were seriously
injured, but that's what happened,
and I took the winnings, and went
crazy. But don't worry. Most of it
went into this house... Most of it.

CHANG
You bought a house without me?

MINDY
Relax. It's a nice house. We have a
hot tub. There's a raccoon living
in there. I named him Rory.

CHANG
Interesting....

The door to the master bedroom opens partway. Harry sticks

his head in, sporting a Charlie Chaplin/Hitler mustache.

HARRY
Mom? Are you awake?

Chang notices Harry's stache.

CHANG
Whoa, what the hell? HARRY, get
over here.
 8.

Harry waddles into the master bedroom, and stands before

Chang.

CHANG (CONTD)
Why're you wearing a Hitler
mustache?

HARRY
Hitler mustache? No. It's a Charlie
Chaplin mustache, and it's making a
comeback.

CHANG
What? Really?

HARRY
Yeah. All the kids are doing it.

CHANG
O-okay then. I'm cool with that,
but only if all the kids are doing
it.

At this moment, Craig, who is in good, working shape, and

Emily enter the master bedroom.

EMILY
Oh, hey! Dad! You're up.

CRAIG
Good evening, Master Chang.

CHANG
Craig! Y-you're alive!
CRAIG
Am I really alive? Or did you just
program me to think that?

Chang gets out of bed, and hugs Craig.

CHANG
Wow. I have no idea what's going
on, but this is amazing. We need to
go out and celebrate.

EMILY
Ooooh, there's this new restaurant
that's just been built. It's owned,
and operated by Tailor Swift. Buuut
I read a review online that said
she kind of has a nasty temper.
 9.

CHANG
Emily, you can't trust online
reviews. I bet Tailor Swift is
really a sweet, kind, polite, young
lady.
(nods)
You'll see.

EXT. SWIFT BURGER RESTAURANT DAY

We see the sign for the Swift Burger restaurant. The slogan
beneath reads: It's not fast food, it's Swift food.

INT. SWIFT BURGER RESTAURANT - DAY

The whole Wang family is sitting around a table, looking at

menus, when Tailor Swift as a waitress, comes up to serve
them.

TAILOR
Evening, everyone. How are we doing
today?

Chang, Harry, Emily, Mindy, and Craig put down their menus to
give their attention to Tailor. Emily is bugging out.

EMILY
Omigod. Tailor freaking Swift!

TAILOR
In the flesh.

CHANG
Wait a minute. Tailor Swift? The
singer?

Emily nods.

CHANG (CONTD)
Isn't she sorta known for being a
heart breaker?

EMILY
Dad, you're embarrassing me.

TAILOR
It's okay. It's true. I do break
all the hearts of the men I meet.
However, I enjoy it, because Im a
feminist.
 10.

Suddenly Tailor Swift takes out a gun, and shoots Chang in

the head. Everyone around screams. Except Tailor, she is a
cold-blooded lady.

TAILOR (CONTD)
Down with patriarchy!

HARRY
Christ! You shot my dad in the
head!

Tailor then shoots Harry in the head. More screams.

EMILY
Tailor Swift! What the hell!

Tailor points her gun between Mindy, and Emily.

TAILOR
Nobody move!

EMILY
(crying)
You just murdered half my family.

TAILOR
I'm not a bad person, okay. I just
wanted to kill your dad, but then I
thought, Alright, he's gonna be
lonely in the after life. Why don't
I send his son with him to keep him
company? Makes sense, right?

Tailor goes over to Emily, who is trembling, and strokes her

hair.
TAILOR (CONTD)
There, there, it'll be alright,
because, you know, men are
worthless. You dont need them.

Mindy secretly reaches into her robe, and gets a grip on her
wand.

MINDY
Men are not worthless.

TAILOR
Excuse me?

MINDY
I said: Men are not worthless.
 11.

TAILOR
You take that back.

MINDY
I don't think so.

As Tailor points her gun at Mindy, about to shoot, Mindy

withdraws her Wand, and zaps Tailor with a spell. Tailor then
transforms into stone. Mindy, breathing heavily, wipes the
sweat off her brow, and goes whew.

EXT. SWIFT BURGER RESTAURANT DAY

Chang and Harry's spirits rise thru the roof of the

restaurant. They look down, in disbelief, and then up, and
steadily float skyward.

CHANG
I can't believe we're dead, but I
think we're going to Heaven. So,
thats cool.

HARRY
Not that I want to be dead, but
this definitely takes a lot of
pressure off my shoulders.

CHANG
Pressure? What pressure? You're a
kid.

HARRY
You wanted me to become a doctor!
CHANG
I still want you to become a
doctor.

HARRY
We're dead. It doesn't matter.

CHANG
You don't know that. Maybe they
need doctors in heaven.

Harry groans.

CHANG (CONTD)
Don't groan. We're going to heaven,
son. Try and have a good attitude.

As Harry and Chang continue upward, a hole above opens up,

and there is a bright, white light.
 12.

CHANG (CONTD)
Look! A bright, white light!

But then the bright, white light turns blood red, and the
hole becomes a ring of fire, filled with blackness, and
smoke.

CHANG (CONTD)
Wait, this doesn't look right.

HARRY
Why's the light red?

CHANG
Oh, shit! We're going to hell! Run,
Harry, run!

Chang and Harry point their heads downward, and motion their
legs as if trying to run away. It's no use - the hole sucks
them in.

INT. FUNERAL PARLOUR DAY

Chang and Harry's corpses are in open caskets, while Mindy is

behind a podium giving a speech. Emily is here too, seated
beside a priest, in the front row. Altogether these three are
the only ones here.

MINDY
This has been the greatest tragedy
of my entire life. Yet in my tears,
I will never forget the joys that
my husband, and son brought me.
Sure, sometimes they were pretty
annoying, and I just wanted to
murder them.
(gestures strangling)
But the good outweighed the bad,
and that is why, while making this
speech, I have decided that I shall
bring them back from the dead.

The priest looks rather shocked, as does Emily.

EMILY
Um, you what?

MINDY
Let me tell you about this thing
called magic. It is more powerful
than the Prophet Muhammad, Moses,
Buddha, and Jesus Christ combined.
(MORE)
 13.
MINDY (CONT'D)
If I can use it, I can bring back
my family from the depths of hell.

Emily stands up, with hands on her hips.

EMILY
And how do you know they went to
hell? What about heaven?

MINDY
Boy, Emily, you really are naive.
Now, help me get these bodies back
home.

Mindy goes to Chang's coffin, gets a grip on it, and with a

gusto dumps him out.

But Chang's body falls on top of Emily, and puts her flat on
the floor, where she screams, Eaagggh!

EXT. STREAM, FOREST NIGHT

Emily and Mindy are hiding behind a bush, watching a unicorn

drink from a stream.

EMILY
Oh, my God. A real live unicorn.

MINDY
Now, all we have to do is murder
it, and take its blood. And when
I say we I really mean you.

EMILY
Why me? Why can't you do it?

MINDY
You're the one who grew up watching
The Hunger Games. I'm no good at
archery.

EMILY
Fine. I'll murder the unicorn.

Emily picks up the bow and arrow from the ground. She aims at
the unicorn's head but hesitates.

EMILY (V.O.) (CONTD)

(to self)
Come on, Emily. This is for your
family. Just pretend the unicorn is
a rapist. You hate rapists!
 14.

The unicorn lifts its head from the stream of water.

MINDY
Emily, hurry up.

EMILY
Alright, you rapist unicorn,
tonight you die!

MINDY
What?

Emily shoots the unicorn in the head with her bow and arrow.
The unicorn drops dead. Mindy then leads the way, and she and
Emily go over to its body.

Mindy takes out a huge syringe, and draws blood from the
unicorn.

EXT. OPEN AREA, FOREST - NIGHT

Mindy and Emily stand before the bodies of Chang and Harry.
Mindy is holding up a chalice, filled with unicorn blood.

MINDY
To the oh-so mighty gods, I offer
the blood of a unicorn in order
that you may bring back to life my
beloved husband and son!

EMILY
Wait, aren't we Christian? You
know, where theres only ONE God.
MINDY
Emily, don't be ignorant.
Christianity has more than one God.
Theres the father, the son, and
the holy spirit. Thats three!

EMILY
Yes, but they only count as one.

MINDY
How can three things count as one?
That doesnt make sense.

EMILY
(sighs)
Okay, sure, whatever you say.
 15.

MINDY
AND HERE WE GO!

Mindy lower her chalice, and pours the unicorn blood into the
mouths of corpse Harry, and Corpse Chang. Immediately, the
color in their skin returns, and they start looking in better
physical shape.

EMILY
(observing)
Whoa, they almost look alive.

MINDY
But they're not, because they don't
have their souls. We need to
retrieve them.

Mindy takes out her wand, and points it, and casts a spell.

MINDY (CONTD)
ZIP ZOP ZIPPITY DO DA!

A swirling, colored portal to hell opens up.

EMILY
Is that a portal?

MINDY
Last one through is a rotten egg!

EMILY
What! No way!

Mindy and Emily race towards the portal, and go on through at

the same time.

EXT. COLORED VORTEX DAY

Mindy and Emily, who's screaming, are falling through a

trippy vortex.

EXT. HELL'S ENTRANCE DAY

We come upon a cavernous-like area. To the left is a flaming

lake of lava, to the right, an elevated piece of land, ever
so slightly sloping towards a tall, black gate.

Suddenly a portal opens up in the air, and Mindy, and Emily

drop out of it, landing on the ground with a thud. They both
start to get up. Emily rises with a groan, while Mindy stands
with a smile. She dusts herself off like nothing's happened.
 16.

MINDY
Well, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Emily rubs her head as if she has a headache.

EMILY
I think I'm gonna be sick.

MINDY
Attagirl!

Mindy leads the way, and she, and Emily get to the gates.
They look to the side, and notice a large poster on the wall.

MINDY (CONTD)
Ooh, what's this?

Emily reads the poster out loud.

EMILY
(reading)
Hell is where the police are
American, the chefs Indian, the
mechanics Asian, the lovers
Russian, and it is all organized by
the Greeks. Also, most of the women
are British.
(thinking)
Wow. This is pretty racist -- but
true!

MINDY
Well, we're not in Candy Land;
that's for sure... Now, my child,
are you ready to step into hell?
EMILY
We're not in hell?

MINDY
Close. We have to get through the
gate first.

Mindy pulls open the gate. She gestures for Emily to go

first.

MINDY (CONTD)
After you, my dear.

EXT. BRIDGE OF FACES, HELL DAY

Emily and Mindy go through the gates of hell. They glance

over their shoulders when it shuts on its own.
 17.

They then slowly continue ahead, and come up to a crudely

carved bridge made out of a brown rock. Mindy pauses, and
takes out a book from her witch's robe.

MINDY
OK. According to my Junior
Woodchukkz Guidebook, which I stole
from a trio of young ducks, there
are several regions of hell. The
first is the bridge of too many
faces.

EMILY
Is it dangerous?

MINDY
We will find out.

Mindy puts away her book, and leads the way again. Emily
follows behind. They get onto the Bridge of Faces. As soon as
they do they hear a VOICE go OW!

VOICE (OS)
OW!

EMILY
What was that?

Emily looks down, and sees there are all these human faces in
the bridge.

EMILY (CONTD)
Omigod! Ew!

MINDY
They're just faces. Keep on
walking.

EMILY
But I don't wanna step on them.

MINDY
Emily, suck it up. They're here for
punishment. You're not doing
anything wrong. This is part of
their deal.

Cautiously, Emily walks, along with Mindy. The faces keep

going Ow! Ow! Ow! as they do so. It's creeping Emily out.
She looks uneasy.

EMILY
I, I wonder why they're being
punished like this.
 18.

VOICE (OS)
We're rapists.

EMILY
Oh. In that case...

Emily gets angry, and starts walking with heavy steps, and
jumping up, and down. Mindy takes note as the voices going
ow! get louder.

MINDY
Emily, what are you doing?

EMILY
I'm getting justice!

MINDY
Stop it! We don't wanna bring
attention to ourselves.

EMILY
Right. Sorry.

Emily calms down, and starts walking normally as possible

with Mindy.

The faces keep going ow and then finally the two get across
the bridge.

They come upon a wall that has seven holes, which are
actually tunnels.

At the front of each tunnel is an ANTIQUE tram, positioned to

enter.

EXT. WALL OF PATHS, HELL DAY

Mindy and Emily pause in front of the wall, with its seven
tunnels, and seven antique trams, which are labeled
numerically #1-7.

EMILY
Where do we go now?

Mindy takes out her Junior Woodchukkz Guidebook, and reads

it.

MINDY
(reading)
Let's see. Apparently, these trams
lead into tunnels, each of which
will take us to a special area, or
sphere of hell.
(MORE)
 19.
MINDY (CONT'D)
They will all get us where we need
to go, but this being hell there
are a variety of tortures awaiting
the wary traveler. Interesting.
Tunnel #1's torture is you fall in
love every day, but always get
rejected.

EMILY
Okay, lets do that one.

MINDY
Emily, heart-break is very painful.
Imagine you're a writer in your
30s, and you've never even had a
girlfriend, or any type of intimate
companionship. How sad is that?

EMILY
Uh, that's pretty specific. What's
the next torture?

MINDY
(reading)
It's a pit filled with snakes -
that like living in your anus.

EMILY
Go on.

MINDY
(reading)
Ah, let's see. #3, you're a toilet,
and you can taste everything.
Emily imagines a gross dude sitting on a toilet, which
screams, and flails its arms.

EMILY
Ew, gross. What's #4?

MINDY
(reading)
Oh, God... You have to French kiss
your parents every day, and not
the younger versions either:
Grandma and grandpa. Also, they
have onion-garlic breath.

EMILY
Jeez, Louise! What's #5?????
 20.

MINDY
(reading)
You're living a life just like on
Earth, except it's always
Christmas.

EMILY
I like Christmas!

MINDY
(reading)
Buuut you're not a human being;
you're a turkey.

EMILY
A politician? I can live with that.

MINDY
NO. You're literally a turkey, for
dinner.

EMILY
Aw, damnit. Okay, what's left?

MINDY
(reading)
#6 is you're a poor person living
in Africa.

EMILY
Then what?

MINDY
That's it. That's the torture.
Poverty.
EMILY
Wow. Suddenly I feel guilty for
ignoring those charity people...
Alright, what's #7?

MINDY
(reading)
According to this book, #7 will be
a random surprise.

EMILY
I like surprises, especially when
they come in chocolate eggs. Let's
go with that one. We have to.

MINDY
How bad could it be, right?
 21.

Mindy and Emily get on Tram #7.

They sit down, and Mindy pulls a lever in the tram, and the
tram begins moving, headed into the tunnel.

EXT. TUNNEL #7, HELL DAY

Mindy and Emily are traveling in the tram. At first the tram
is slow, but then it starts getting faster, and faster.

EMILY
Something about this ride feels
off.

MINDY
(worried)
I think I should apply the brakes.

Mindy gets a grip on the trams lever, and tries reversing

it. She pushes it a few times, but its stuck. It doesnt
work. This is the only method of control available.

MINDY (CONTD)
Aw, crap. The lever wont move. I
dont think this thing has any
brakes.

EMILY
What?

MINDY
Theres no fucking brakes!

The tram now really picks up in speed, and then it goes down
a steep hill.

Emily and Mindy, with horrified looks on their face, float up

from the momentum. They grab onto whatever they can, and hold
on for dear life.

EXT. TOPSY TURVY AREA AND THE WELL OF SOULS, HELL DAY

The tram Mindy and Emily are in exits the tunnel into a new
area of hell.

It continues on its track, which at this point is like a

roller coaster -- its going crazy!

But while this is happening we see a scene of the underworld.

There are people being whipped, and prodded, and poked with
pitch forks by devilish creatures.
 22.

Then the ride is over. The tram reaches the last bit of track
which slopes up like a ramp, and ends, pointing only to the
air.

The tram jumps off this, and crashes into ADOLF HITLER, who
is (or was) trying to eat an ice cream cone.

Mindy and Emily themselves, however, are okay, if a bit

dizzy. So, they climb out of the wreck of the tram.

Mindy rubs her head, and groans.

EMILY
Are you okay, mom?

MINDY
I think so. What about you?

EMILY
Eh, could be worse.

MINDY
Alright then, cool, we only have
one last place to go.

Mindy takes out her book to read it.

MINDY (CONTD)
(reading)
The well of souls. Do you see a
well? Of souls?

EMILY
Over there.
Emily points to the WELL OF SOULS.

Mindy looks. She puts away her book, and then picks up Adolf
Hitler's mangled corpse.

EMILY (CONTD)
Mom, whatre you doing with that?

Mindy drags Hitlers corpse over to the well. She throws it

down the well.

EMILY (CONTD)
What was that for?

MINDY
It's for cushioning.
 23.

Mindy jumps into the well, and disappears.

Emily goes up to the well herself now, and looks down it.

EMILY
Mom???
(sighs)
Damn it.

Reluctantly, Emily jumps down the well, too.

EXT. WELL OF SOULS, HELL DAY

Emily lands on Hitler's corpse. She gets up, and sees Mindy
waiting for her. Mindy gestures for her to follow, and the
two walk ahead, finding themselves in a huge cavernous area.

They see the back of a throne, which SATAN is sitting on,

playing a Nintendo Gameboy. Mindy takes out her wand, and
points it at his head.

MINDY
Where are my husband, and son?

The throne turns around, and Satan faces Mindy.

SATAN
Delighted to meet you! I'm Satan!

MINDY
I swear to God, if they're not
here, I'll turn you into stone.

SATAN
Chill out. They're here.

Satan gestures to Chang and Harry, who are being kept in a

cage.

MINDY
Release them!

SATAN
Don't tell me what to do -- slut!

MINDY
Why, you chauvinist pig!

Mindy pulls back her wand as if to shoot it, but then Satan
puts out his palm like Iron Man, and blasts her first, along
with Emily.

The two crash into nearby a wall. They're hurt but not out.
 24.

Then Satan roars, and transforms into SUPER SATAN, the big,
red, giant Satan we all know, and love.

SUPER SATAN
(flexing, posing)
Welcome to hell, bitches!

Mindy and Emily stand up. Emily points.

EMILY
You're the bitch!

In response: Super Satan opens his mouth. Mindy quickly grabs

Emily, and takes her behind a rock.

Super Satan shoots a stream of fire at them.

The rock suffices as cover.

Super Satan then slowly starts walking towards the rock,

where Emily and Mindy are hiding.

EMILY (CONTD)
(to Mindy)
We're going to die, aren't we?

Mindy pops up, and starts zapping Super Satan with her wand.
It just bounces off his chest as he laughs: Mwah-ha-ha-ha!

EMILY (CONTD)
I don't think that's working.
(snaps fingers)
I know!

Emily gets down on her knees, and starts praying.

MINDY
What are you - ? Now's not the
time for that!

Satan picks up Mindy, and holding her in his fist roars at

her with his stinky breath. He starts bring her toward his
jaws. Mindy is about to be eaten.

But then BUDDHA, JESUS CHRIST, MOSES, and MUHAMMAD appear.

They touchdown like super heroes, in superhero poses.

JESUS
(to Satan)
Stop in the name of the law! Put
down that woman!
 25.

Satan pauses, and looks.

SUPER SATAN
Jesus Christ! Nice to see you
again! Just joking. I hate you, and
you're stupid, and gay.

JESUS
That's it, bro! Team Various
Religions will not stand for this!

SUPER SATAN
Oooh, I'm so scared! Whatre you
gonna do? Die for my sins, and
forgive me?

JESUS
Men, get into formation! Operation
Buddha!

Moses gets on his all fours, then Jesus, Muhammad, and Buddha
assemble behind him. Jesus and Muhammad hold Buddha's arms,
and then they propel him forward. Buddha leaps off Moses'
back, and jumps up towards Satan, flying at him at an
alarming speed.

Buddha punches a hole straight through Satan's head, and then

he returns safely back to the others.

Now, Satan with a hole in his head, drops down to the ground.

SCREENWIPE TO:

Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, Moses, Craig, Harry, Chang, Emily,

and Mindy are all stood in a circle, having a chat.

CHANG
Well, this wasn't a very pleasant
adventure, but we learned an
important lesson today.

HARRY
Good things happen when you put
aside your differences, and work
together as a team.

MOSES
No, that's not the lesson.

EMILY
The most important thing in the
world is family.
 26.

MUHAMMAD
You just pulled that answer out of
your ass.

JESUS
The lesson is: Don't be an atheist.

HARRY
That's a crappy lesson.

BUDDHA
No, if Emily hadn't prayed to us,
we wouldn't have known she was in
trouble. And praying is something
that atheists don't do. Correct me
if I'm wrong.

HARRY
Fine, you're the god, whatever.

JESUS
No, I'm the only God here. He's
just a helper.

BUDDHA
Just a helper? You son of a bitch.

JESUS
Don't insult my dad, you jerk!

BUDDHA
What are you gonna do about it?

Jesus, and Buddha confront each other.

JESUS
Ill punch you in the face.

BUDDHA
Punch me in the face? Youll do
nothing! You pussy!

Suddenly, Jesus punches Buddha in the face, flooring him.

Buddha is stunned. He sits up, wipes the blood from his lip,
and looks at the blood. His eyes go back to Jesus.

BUDDHA (CONTD)
You, you punched me!

JESUS
Damn, right!

Buddha stands up, and angrily stares at Jesus.

 27.

JESUS (CONTD)
Come on, B, lets see watchu got!

Jesus gets into a fighting stance.

Buddha retaliates, and wheel kicks JC in the face.

Jesus falls down. Buddha jumps on top of him, and starts

grounding, and pounding him.

The fight has begun -- its a wild fight.

Everyone else is standing by, watching. Theyre confused, and

unsure what to do.

Chang doesnt seem too bothered though. He puts his arms

around his family as they look on.

EMILY
(worried)
Oh, no. Should we do something?

CHANG
Yes. Yes, we should...
(to Jesus)
KICK HIS FUCKING ASS, JESUS!

EMILY
Thats not what I meant. What I
meant was --

Chang shushes Emily.

CHANG
SHHHHHH! Im trying to watch the
bloodbath.

Emily doesnt say anything more.

The Wangs, and others continue watching. We hear the sound of

more punches, and kicks being exchanged.

We notice that Chang is the only one really smiling, seeming

very pleased. This is good entertainment to him.

THE END