Memorandum Report

To: Professor Thompson

From: Nathan Park
Date: January 29, 2017
Subject: Analysis of an Informational Report

This memo contains analysis and critique of my writing in an informational

paper written for my Materials Science class for Dr. Mark Roll. The paper
discusses the Volkswagen diesel emissions scandal. Below, I discuss the
various ways that the report succeeds and fails at being concise, precise, and
direct.
Concise Writing
The basic definition of concise writing is that every word is necessary for the
understanding of the audience. Concise writing avoids repetition and dead
phrases.

Dead Phrases Dead phrases are phrases that use many words to say
almost nothing. My writing sometimes contains dead phrases. Early in
the paper, I found an example that could be fixed:

They tampered with the car in such a way that it performed to

emissions standards during testing and then reverted when it was out
on the road.

I could have made this sentence more concise by just replacing in such a
way with so, leaving the sentence structure intact.

Repetition. Repetition was largely avoided in this paper because it

had a one-page limit. There are still some examples that I missed
though.

It seems to be a general consensus that there was no other tampering

that took place, so it must have only been software tampering.

This sentence feels clunky and awkward. It could have been reworked
to be more concise and make more sense, avoiding the unnecessary
repetition:

The consensus is that software tampering is the only tampering that

occurred.
 Nathan Park Memorandum - Page | 2

After being reworked, the sentence is clearer and easier to read.

Being Precise
Being precise in writing is to use technical terminology appropriate to the
audiences knowledge.

Jargon. I tend to include a significant amount of jargon. Depending on

the audience of the paper, this can detract from the quality of writing.
Because I was writing for an audience that was interested in the details
of the topic, I feel that the jargon I included is not excessive. Here is an
example:

This low emissions mode changed a few parameters: the injection

timing, exhaust gas recirculation rate, and the common rail fuel
pressure.

If my audience was less technically knowledgeable, I would leave out

the jargon.

Precise Terminology. Precise terminology is used to convey

definitions of words without having to explicitly define them. One
example is hydraulic cement, which is cement that bonds by a
reaction with water. There are a few examples of precise terminology in
this report:

Using the onboard computer, the vehicle was able to detect the state
of a variety of variables in order to determine if it was in the exact
state that it would be for the emissions test.

The use of onboard computer defines what and where the computer
is without having to explain it in detail.

Being Direct
Direct prose is straightforward. A direct writing style uses strong nouns,
strong verbs, and a mostly active voice.

Strong Nouns. Strong nouns refer to specific people, places, or

things. They convey one or more of the five senses, the most common
being sight. Here is an example from the report of usage of strong
nouns:

Research done by a group at West Virginia University found some of

their diesel cars releasing up to nearly 40 times the U.S. permitted
amount of nitrogen oxides.
 Nathan Park Memorandum - Page | 3

There are also examples of weak nouns in my writing. An example of

this can be seen here:

If it determined that it was in this condition, it would run in a low-

emissions mode for 1171 seconds, one second longer than the
duration of the emissions test.
The use of it would not be an issue if I had replaced the first it with
the vehicle or the computer. This would have clarified what is
being discussed, making the sentence more readable.

Strong Verbs. Strong verbs convey action; they are more specific and
descriptive. Some good examples of strong verbs: demonstrate,
complete, construct. Some weak parallels would be show, finish, and
make. The strong verbs in this example are much more concrete. Here
is a notable example in my writing where I chose a weak verb instead
of a strong verb:

Overall, I would say that this scandal has been a wakeup call to the
automotive industry, showing them that they cant get away with
something this big.

The verb showing is weak in comparison to a better verb choice like

demonstrating or establishing. The sentence would have a
stronger and direct voice with a better verb choice.

Passive Voice. Passive voice emphasizes the object that is being

acted upon. The actor in passive voice is implied (or included with a
by phrase). In some cases, passive voice can be helpful to describe a
process where direct voice would just get in the way.

The emissions tests were circumvented in a very interesting way.

This use of passive voice allows the emissions tests to become the
subject of the sentence, emphasizing its importance compared to who
is doing the action.

Topic Position. Using topic position allows the reader to understand

what the content after it will be about. A topic sentence is a prime
example of this. Topic sentences are necessary to ensure that your
audience is on the same page when writing. Here is an example from
the report:

In terms of the legal and financial ramifications of the problem, VW did

not get off easy.
 Nathan Park Memorandum - Page | 4

Because a topic sentence is included, the reader can understand what

the following sentences are discussing without needing to guess. It
also allows the reader to tell what each paragraph discusses at a
glance, allowing them to refer back to it for later reading more easily.

Conclusion
Analyzing my prior writing has allowed me to see a variety of ways that I can
improve my technical writing. Developing my prose style to be more concise,
precise, and direct will help to write more cohesive and readable pieces.
Taking my time to ensure I follow these guidelines should improve my writing
a great deal in any subject I need to tackle.