Alissa Dunn

Mrs. Thomas

UWRT 1104

20 April 2017

The Voice of the Children of Divorce

Divorce is very common in the United States with almost half of all marriages ending in

divorce (Wilkinson 1). There are times where divorce is crucial, but those in other circumstances

often later say they wish they tried harder before divorcing. There are many factors that place a

couple at an increased risk of divorce and its beneficial to know some of these statistics. Not

only does divorce affect the couple going through it, but also, if present, their children. By

exploring and becoming educated on some of these factors and effects, couples can become more

aware and know how to work through existing issues in their marriage. Not only will partners

work towards a healthier marriage, but also they will have healthier, happier children as a result.

Parents must become mindful of the children of divorce and how it impacts their health as well

as future relationships. This is a common issue overlooked by many.

First we will explore some of these factors of divorce as well as its history in detail. Of

course everyone has a general idea of the definition of divorce. Divorce is the legal dissolution

of a marriage by a court or other competent body (Merriam-Webster 1). Sounds pretty simple

right? Little do many know how much more there is to a divorce. In the 1600s, in order to obtain

a divorce, one spouse had to be guilty of adultery, abandonment, emotional or physical abuse, or

some other form of mistreatment. Many states required a long separation period before a divorce

could be allowed (History Cooperative 1). Private investigators were sometimes brought in a

case to catch a spouse in the act with another woman or man.

 Many states started to bring in no-fault grounds for divorce in the 1970s. According to

Henry Gornbein, a partner with the law firm of Lippitt OKeefe Gornbein in Michigan, old

divorce laws were repealed in 37 of the 50 states in the 1970s (1). Fast forward to present day,

divorces are routinely granted. There is less stigma associated with divorce than there was about

forty years ago. People marry more frequently but also get a divorce for a multitude of reasons.

This being said, divorce should start becoming more of a last resort. Couples need to put more

effort in saving their marriage with sources like marriage counseling and encouragement.

Shockingly, divorce rates have decreased since the 70s but still remain significantly high.

As stated previously, people are getting divorced for completely different reasons than in

the 70s. Now, divorce happens for personal happiness and people are getting divorced too easily.

This can really bother some children because their parents reason for divorce is not enough to

justify their actions. Some factors leading to a higher risk of divorce include: marrying at an

early age, living together before marriage, and coming from a divorced family. More common

factors include no religious affiliation and premarital pregnancy. There are valid reasons for

divorce I agree with such as adultery and abuse. However, there are very common reasons I dont

necessarily agree with such as: lack of commitment, unrealistic expectations, and too many

arguments. Some of these reasons and factors can be fixed and divorce can be prevented.

Lack of commitment accounts for a strikingly seventy-three percent of marriages ending

in divorce (Wilkinson and Finkbeiner 1). Dr. Scott Stanley, a prominent marriage researcher and

therapist, defines commitment as Having a long-term view of the marriage that helps us not get

overwhelmed by the problems and challenges we experience day to day (2). We need to keep

our eyes focused on the valued prize, a stable and healthy marriage, and work to get there.

Couples feel safer and willing to give more when there are increased levels of commitment in
their relationship. When the level of commitment seems to be decreasing, its beneficial to attend

marriage counseling and reminisce on the good times of your marriage. Its important to keep in

mind these factors dont guarantee a couple will get divorced, they simply increase a couples

risk.

My last few favorite factors are: religious affiliation, premarital sex, and cohabitation.

Paul Strand, a CBN News Washington Sr. Correspondent implores, For religious believers, if

they'll be attentive to practice their faith with their spouse, they can almost double their odds of

avoiding divorce (1). Christians actually have a lower divorce rate than the general public and

non-Christians. Coming from a strong Christian family, I have been taught by the church and

Bible not to live with my partner until marriage and not to engage in premarital sex. Sixty

percent of cohabiting couples will eventually marry. However, living together prior to marriage

can increase the chance of getting divorced by as much as 40 percent (Wilkinson & Finkbeiner

2). The research studies that prove living together before marriage increases your risk for divorce

goes against the common belief that its a good way to prepare for marriage and learn about each

other on a more personal level. But some researchers argue against this common belief by saying

living together will get in the way of building a strong commitment to each other and the

importance of marriage. Do you see how all these factors are interconnected? It is like a domino

effect. If one is Christian and taught these beliefs, they will not engage in these common factors

which increase their risk for divorce. Therefore, lowering their overall chances of getting a

divorce.

Now that everyone has a general idea on the history and factors of divorce, lets explore

the main purpose of this paper, the children of divorce. Michael Schroeder, health editor at U.S.

news acknowledges, With up to half of marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce and rates of
divorce higher for subsequent marriages many children face challenges from their parents split

that can follow them for a lifetime, including into their own relationships as adults (1). Divorce

disrupts the normal developmental sequence of a childs life. Steven Harris, a professor of family

social science at the University of Minnesota, provides the perfect following example. Most

kids that arent exposed to high conflict marriages are not worried about their parents marriage

at all. Theres food on the table, theres the natural stressors of the day, theres my homework.

But then you add in your parents possible divorce transition, and now youre wondering about a

host of different things youve never had to think about before (2). This change can sometimes

lead to depression and anxiety, two effects caused by a parents divorce. Tamara Afifi, professor

in the Department of Communication at UCSB, talks about these effects in more detail. She

implores, Most children of divorce suffer from lower self esteem, anxiety, depression, and their

standard of living decreases. A lot of times these short term effects actually linger into adulthood

and create long term effects (1). These are facts many divorced parents with children are not

aware of but need to become educated on.

Wilkinson, a family law attorney, reports that certain studies have shown daughters of

divorced parents have a 60% higher divorce rate in marriages than children of non-divorced

parents while sons have a 35% higher rate (1). Why you might ask? What better way to prove

this statistic true than through the real voice from a child of divorce. In Professor Tamara Afifis

TedTalk on the impact of divorce on children, she includes the voice of her very own student.

This nineteen year old student is saying how she is scared to believe anything lasts forever. She

convinces herself that every relationship she goes into, she will lose them in a month or even a

year. This portrays how teenagers struggle in their own romantic relationships which leads to the

greater likelihood they will experience divorce of their own. Patrick Fagan and Aaron Churchill,
authors of Effects on Children of Divorce further claims, When parents divorce, their

childrens attitudes about sexual behavior change. Childrens approval of premarital sex,

cohabitation, and divorce rises dramatically, while their endorsement of marriage and

childbearing falls. Children from divorced families are also more likely to believe that marriage

is not important prior to having children and are more likely to have a child out of wedlock (1).

Do you see how these statistics and research studies are all connected to each other? This goes

exactly back to the point made earlier of how the factors of having sex before marriage, living

together before marriage, and having a child before marriage all associate with increased

divorces rates.

My readers must be wondering, Well isnt it normal for children to be upset about their

parents divorce? Yes it is very normal and it is important for divorced parents with children to

note there are four, normal mental health challenges associated with divorce. There is anxiety

because their world has changed and there is a lot unknown. Theres anger because kids assumed

their parents would always be married. There is stress because there is so much change they are

forced to get use too. Lastly, there is despondency because of the loss of their intact family

(Pickhardt 1). The problem with this is, how does the child deal with their despondency, anger,

stress, and anxiety? Parents need to be aware if their child can manage talking and working

through these stages or if they bottle up their feelings and get stuck. When a parent ignores or is

completely oblivious to their childs little calls for help, lifelong negative impacts of the divorce

develop.

One new perspective I developed through my research is not only how divorce can

damage children but also how high conflict divorces are the cause for most of these damages.

Studies show that high conflict divorces have more negative impacts on children than low
conflict divorces (Afifi 1). This does not mean low conflict divorces dont have any negative

impact on children because they still do, just not as elevated as high conflict divorces. To prove

this point, research has demonstrated a child exposed to high conflict divorced parents often

show increased cardiac rhythm, higher blood pressure, lower body temperature as well as

anxious facial expressions (Sarrazin and Francine 1). Yes, divorce does effect children in

multiple way but as this article has pointed out by doing this research study, parental divorce in

general is not 100% correlated to childhood illness. However, the high level of hostility present

in some divorced parents interactions play a large role in childhood illness (Sarrazine and

Francine 2). In conclusion, if parents decide to go through with a divorce with their children

involved, they need to overcome their differences and create a new, conflict free foundation for

their family.

Statistics dont have to mean anything to a person. Someone can make the choice if they

want to believe them or not. The most effective and powerful source is the actual voice of a child

of divorce. Dear Mom and Dad, a video of a son with divorced parents, displays a little boy

reading a personal letter he wrote to his parents. He makes these statistics come to real life. He

pleads, Although I am young and can not express verbally what is happening in our lives, I am

still feeling the impact. My heart is broken every time I have to give up a parent. My sense of

security is lost (Epperson 1). He also admits, You are taking away my belief that love is

unconditional and replacing it with the message that tells me to become hard and not to love

because I will get hurt and may not be able to recover. Someday this initial shock will wear off

but how you chose to parent me through this crisis will never wear off (Epperson 1). These

quotes portray the thoughts going through his head and pinpoints the general idea of how most

children of divorce feel. He is giving them all a voice. He points out another common disbelief
made my parents, Please dont assume that I am resilient. Please dont assume that my life will

be exactly as it was and that I will continue to feel the same love from both of you (Epperson

1). He is putting emphasis on how some parents act like there will be no impact at all on their

children. Some parents do assume their kids life will be exactly the same. The comments below

this video came from other kids of divorce relating and agreeing to the video, sharing their

personal experiences. One viewer commented about how its been six years since his parents

divorce and he still feels the impacts. He continues to feel as if nothing will be the same. In a

way, this child of divorce created an environment where these kids dont feel alone.

These statistics are not meant to scare children and parents but rather educate them. This

does not mean in anyway since a kid's parents got a divorce, they will too. It is just a higher

percentage. Again, another researcher emphasizes, Some couples may still be able to salvage

everything they have, and not know it. There are a lot of people who divorce without having any

help whatsoever. They havent read a book. They werent aware that there are things you can do

to change unhealthy patterns of communication (Harris 2). This shows the importance of

utilizing and taking advantage of the many resources out in the world that specifically help

married couples going through a hard time.

A recurring statement in all my research articles is how research studies on specific

impacts on children experiencing a divorce can be tricky because it varies from child to child. It

really depends on the situation. The effect of divorce on children range from little to severe, from

small to significant, and from short-term to long-term. There isn't a way to perfectly predict

divorce effects on children but these negative effects are serious, numerous, and real. I believe it

is very vital to teach parents and open their eyes to how divorce can negatively impact their

children. Most parents are not the slightest bit aware of these impacts. They will look at their
child and think they are fine when in reality, they are not. Its normal for a child to be upset

during a divorce, it is a difficult change and transition in their life. How their parents decide to

handle the divorce and how to deal with their children can really determine how a divorce will

impact them later in life. By educating married couples, divorced couples, children, counselors,

psychologist, engaged couples, and ones in a simple relationship, there can be a huge change in

the marriages in the U.S. It all starts with education, acceptance, and awareness.

Work Cited

"Divorce." Merriam-Webster. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 27 Apr. 2017.

Doherty, Dr. William H. "How Common Is Divorce and What Are the Reasons?" 3. How

Common Is Divorce and What Are the Reasons? (n.d.): 41-63. Web. 21 Mar. 2017.

Fagan, Patrick F., and Aaron Churchill. Effects of Divorce on Children. Huntington, NY:

William Gladden Foundation, 1989. Marriage and Religion Institute, 11 Jan. 2012. Web. 3 Apr.

2017.

Kelly, Joan B. "Shibboleth Authentication Request." Divorce: Causes and Consequences- By

Alison Clarke-Stewart and Cornelia Brentano. Family Court Review, 12 Mar. 2007. Web. 03

Apr. 2017.
Sarrazin, Janie, and Francine Cyr. "Parental Conflicts and Their Damaging Effects on

Children" Shibboleth Authentication Request. N.p., 25 Sept. 2008. Web. 03 Apr. 2017.

Schroeder, Michael O. "Minding the Kids in Divorce: Minimizing the Mental Health Impact."

U.S. News, 19 Jan. 2016. Web. 27 Mar. 2017.

"The History Of Divorce Law In The USA." History Cooperative. History Cooperative, 18 Sept.

2016. Web. 27 Apr. 2017.

The Impact of Divorce on Children. Dir. Tamara D. Affix. TED TALK, n.d. Research Papers on

How Children Are Affected by Divorce. 20 May 2012. Web. 03 Apr. 2017.

"Voice of the Child of Divorce." YouTube. YouTube, 20 Apr. 2014. Web. 03 Apr. 2017.