Gamer Gazette
Weather : Bright fluorescent in all
August 2000 - Issue 21
Wotc to Acquire Idaho
"Well, the price was right, and this way we can cash in on the My
Private Idaho CCG license we've been holding onto. We're not
sure if anyone actually lives in the state of Idaho, but if they do,
we'll relocate them to Seattle before the strip mining begins," said
our anonymous source.
Jesse Helms Blasts Gaming
"Roleplaying taught my kids to make decisions of their own and
even use their imagination," said Helms, "It's just as bad as the
United Nations."
Tobacco Industry Launches CCG
New Brand Wars CCG allows players to create their own deck and
fight against rival tobacco companies while fending off the Justice
Department and sabotaging the World Health Organization. "The
trick is to get more new consumers to buy your brand before your
old consumers die," said Erik Mansie, a 13 year old playtester
from Idaho, "I play a Marlboro deck, cause it's the coolest, and
besides, that's the brand I smoke."
Y2K Bonanza
"The Millennium bug caused my Ultima Online character to gain
10 levels!" claims Idaho player Jim Augusta. Its too bad it did-
nt help my Evercrack character, but Ill still count myself a lucky
man if I die today thanks to this.
Hubris Games busted by Greek Cultural Minister
"The Greek government is offended by the unauthorized use of
one of our words. And hubris is a noun it should be Hubristic
Games. Just because one of the designers read a few Greek myths
doesn't entitle them to use our words. Besides, Wizards of the
Coast already has the rights to our language," said Dimitri
Rastapopulos while attending the Greek Cultural Defense
Conference in Idaho.
Wotc Announces 4th Edition AD&D
"It's actually already finished. The thing is, game books are too
durable, so this way people have to go and buy a whole new set
even if their old set is still holding up. The other option was to go
with a crappy binding like we did with Unearthed Arcana, but the
printer who did that is in jail," said our anonymous source.
Satanic Gamers: "We're just ordinary people"
"We do things like the rest of you, watch TV, play games, pray to
dark gods, cheer the Concorde crash and whatnot. I mean, it's not
like we're Scientologists," said Jack Matark of the Idaho chapter
of Gamers for Satan. "The whole child sacrifice thing is way
rooms throughout the convention,
with intermittent shouts and screams
and random announcements over the
PA system. Few showers expected.
overblown. Besides. We we're acquitted. Anyway, we just like
games. Our parents were Satanists too, and that was before D&D
they just played Scrabble a lot."
Paladin Player Beatified by Vatican
The Roman Catholic Church announced that Samuel Holy
Avenger Williams is on the short list of hopefuls for beatification.
Williams played a paladin for 13 years, refusing to switch roles.
His last words, after hitting his head in a raucous player celebra-
tion, were instructions for the burial of his character.
Gaming is good, as long as only evil people are killed and more
people play paladins and clerics. Also, cant wait to get my hands
on 3rd Edition! said the Pope.
Man Gets Brainlock from Rolemaster
Jud Fairbanks of Idaho apparently suffered a grand mal while
looking up the results of a critical hit. He was half-way through
the 3 hour process when he lost it, according to his brother,
Toby. It was really wierd. We were doing pretty well, too, but
then his brain just shut down. We tried Jolt and everything, but
hes still in total lock-up. As long as he comes out of it in the next
week or two, though, hell only miss a few combat rounds.
Vampire Game Ruined by Preppies
A live-action vampire game was ruined when players arrived
dressed in bright colors, loafers and carefully combed hair. It
was just so totally out of genre, said Susan Tremere Parkins, I
wanted them to leave. Though offered capes, eyeliner and even
clove cigarettes, the preppies refused to change their wardrobe
resulting in the cancellation of the game. I just cant get into my
character without the gothic-punk motif. Its hard to believe
youre a vampire with all those bright colors and happy, upbeat
people around.
Corrections & Retractions:
-- Our anonymous source at Wotc turns out to have never
actually worked for Wotc or any of their subsidiaries.
-- Last issue's headline "Gygax dies in Lesbian Bar Brawl"
was incorrect.
Next Issue:
-- How to play a whole tournament without going to the bathroom
-- Cthulhu cult denied tax exempt status in Germany
-- Rosetta Stone actually just old character sheet
-- GM catches player reading "GM Only" part of rulebook