6/1/2017 What is an empathy? Where do I get one?

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What is an empathy? Where do I get one?

November 6, 2015 7:37 PM Subscribe

I asked this AskMe about finding help with my social di iculties. A common theme in the answers was, "social mechanics can't be understood logically;
you must understand them through the lens of empathy and emotion". So...how does one do that?

Examples of the advice in question:

... you may not be able to intellectually understand the whys of human behavior, because much -- if not nearly all -- of human decision-making is done
emotionally, which is non-rational, which means if you can't feel empathy and compassion for the individuals you're considering, their behavior will
nearly always look random. ... you're going to be forever disappointed if you're hoping they make sense.

Sociality is driven not only by rules but by emotions and both are usually "implicit" and not spoke of.

I think part of the di iculty is that you are looking for simple rational answers to explain behavior that is based on a complex and frequently irrational
structure (human cognition, and society/culture which is the aggregate of that).

These folks are right about one thing: I am hoping for human behavior to make sense, and I am looking for rational answers. Because that's, like, the only
kind of answer I understand, the only kind I find satisfying, and the only kind that even looks like an answer to me. I don't really know what it means to
understand something non-rationallyit seems to me that understanding without reason isn't understanding at all.

It has always seemed like my brain is lacking the "empathy" circuit that everyone else takes for grantedinstead of being color-blind, I am empathy-
blind. Not that I'm callous or uncaring (at least not intentionally)but whatever non-rational process ordinary people use to understand each other
eludes me. So I try to understand people rationally instead, and fail, and end up frustrated and confused.

And, honestly, I o en end up resentful that people so obstinately refuse to make sense (how is that an unreasonable expectation?), and that they think it
fair to force me to navigate this invisible, irrational, ever-shi ing maze. (I understand that people aren't really trying to stymie me. But it o en feels like
people are just straight-up fucking with me, or making unreasonable and arbitrary demands. It's hard to know when to stand up for myself, and when to
meekly assume that I'm the one screwing up. Lately I've been erring toward the latter, but it's an unpleasant choice to have to make.)

Where do I begin with this? I'm told that it's possible to learn empathy, but all the advice on how to learn is circulare.g., I'm supposed to learn empathy
by "being more aware of others' feelings", which is really just another way of saying "be empathetic".

(To be clear: for the purposes of this question, "empathy" does not mean some Bodhisattva-like outpouring of compassion and love and nurturing. I'm
just using the term to refer to this mysterious, non-rational technique that folks in the previous AskMe are encouraging me to use when trying to
understand and/or connect socially with other people.)

Basically, I'm being advised to use a tool other than reason to make sense of people and social situations, but I don't know what that tool is, or how to
use it. Help? Is there a book I should read? A principle I should keep in mind? A type of professional I should seek out? A specific practice I can adopt? I
realize that it won't be possible to fully answer this question in a single AskMe, but maybe you can get me started in the right direction?

I know this probably sounds like "HOW GRONK EAT FOOD" to most of you. Well, my name is Gronk, and I don't know how eat food. Please tell me.

(I suspect that some of you might be thinking "wow, you really sound like a jerk". If so, please keep it to yourself. Not because I can't handle being called a
jerk, or because I refuse to consider the possibility that I am a jerkbut because it will not be helpful. If I'm a jerk, it's not because I'm trying to be one. My
failure to comprehend empathy is as di icult for me as it is for you.)

Thanks.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (35 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite

I don't think you sound like a jerk. I do think you're speaking in such broad generalities it's impossible to really be much help. Like, can you spell out
some examples of behavior you find so bewildering?
posted by norm at 7:44 PM on November 6, 2015 [9 favorites]

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This is kind of weird, but I think I learned a lot of empathy from reading fanfiction. You can learn so much about what makes people tick by reading
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their unedited fiction and fanfiction online is definitely the biggest trove of unedited fiction in human history. It has really helped me understand
how a person is expected to be, both in friendships and romantic relationships. Think of a fictional character you identify with and read fanfiction
about them and their relationships. See how di erent fanfiction authors think they would act and how other characters react to them. I think when
you read published fiction a lot of the "reaction scenes" are edited out since they don't add to the plot. But if you are looking to learn empathy
these scenes are an amazing resource.
posted by town of cats at 7:45 PM on November 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

Yeah, watch tv shows that have a strong character focus. The more irrational the behavior a show seems to you, the better? Like kelly schmidt.
posted by kinoeye at 7:50 PM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

If you would contact the middle and ask them to post a clarification:

Are you able to intellectually identify what emotion someone else is feeling, even if you do not understand the reasons they are feeling that way?
Do you "catch" other people's emotions? (ie you feel sad around a sad person or happy around a happy person. ) I can make a guess at the answers
based on this question and the last, but it would be better for you to plainly state. There are di erent kinds of not having empathy, and the way you
would approach understanding people is di erent depending on where your di iculty is.

I want to reassure you that you are not alone in this problem, and there are resources and help for you! I just want to make sure that people direct
you to the correct resources.
posted by stoneweaver at 7:54 PM on November 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

If you are interested in using TV to help sort this, see my highly favorites comment about using reality tv to basically do this. If you're interested,
send me a memail and I'll pass on my list of useful shows. (That o er is open to anyone, not just Anon!)
posted by stoneweaver at 7:57 PM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

I don't think you sound like a jerk. I do think you're speaking in such broad generalities it's impossible to really be much help. Like, can you spell out
some examples of behavior you find so bewildering?

Yeah, can you ask a mod to update this question with an example of a specific human behavior/situation you found bewildering? I read your last
question, but, it, too, is rather vague. You might get answers that are easier to understand when they are related to specific contexts.

In general, since you're on AskMe, you might try trawling through the Human Relations category and looking at some of the most favorited
answers. There are a lot of wonderfully empathetic people here who are also really good at communicating and explaining emotions. Reading their
descriptions/solutions to a similar situation you may have faced IRL could give you insight in what the other people in your situation were thinking
and feeling. Being a member here has definitely made me more empathetic and helped me socially.

Also, the fact that you asked this question is a good indication you're not a jerk. Trying to understand people (and letting them know you're trying)
is a huge part of empathy.
posted by bluefly at 7:58 PM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

I'm an INTP and I think human behavior is totally logical, if you account for evolution (our genetic makeup), heuristics (how we 'do' everyday
decisionmaking), anthropology/sociology (culture) and neurology. Basically, most behaviors/acts will seem random to another person because of
human variation. There's always this bell curve, and you odds are that two people are on di erent spots on the curve in any given interaction. I
think understanding the complexity of humanity's history and the shallowness of any given interaction in reflecting that complexity will help.
posted by kinoeye at 8:02 PM on November 6, 2015 [17 favorites]

The questions you are asking are many of the same questions that people who are on the autism spectrum have about how to navigate the world. I
know from your last question that you don't identify as autistic, but perhaps seeking out the resources available to people who have autism
spectrum disorders, such as books and therapies recommended to them, would be helpful to you.
posted by decathecting at 8:02 PM on November 6, 2015 [7 favorites]

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For what it's worth, I don't think you're a jerk. But I would highly recommend you read, read, and read some more. According to this study, you
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should be looking for literary fiction more than other types of books. Also, ask around to your friends, family and coworkers for the titles they've
read that really emotionally moved them; made them angry, joyous, cry. For those more reading savvy, ask specifically for their favorite character-
driven fiction.
posted by weeyin at 8:04 PM on November 6, 2015 [5 favorites]

Honestly, the thing that makes me most empathetic is to assume that people are acting rationally, but I don't know their axioms.
posted by yarntheory at 8:04 PM on November 6, 2015 [46 favorites]

People have distinguished between cognitive and a ective kinds of empathy.

Of those, I'd focus on perspective-taking (for now), you can use reason for that. What might it be like to be someone else? You can't know,
obviously. But you can consider a snippet of someone else's experience, try to think of experiences you've had that you (logically) think *might* be
similar, recall that experience, and extrapolate from there.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:08 PM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

Number one. You're not a jerk. Everyone's brain is wired di erently, and if you didn't actually care about other people, you wouldn't be asking the
question in the first place.

Empathy is weird. I *thought* I was empathetic, but then I had kids and held the babies in my arms, and then had crushing relationship
disintegrations as a grown up, and struggled with a child's mental health issues (while trying to manage my own), and the empathy shit is o the
chart in a way I never could have previously contemplated, and I bawl my damn eyes at minor shit in feel-good movies and John Steinbeck novels.

But that's me, and everybody is di erent.

I don't know if you can teach or learn empathy. If your brain is wired such that your own highs and lows connect you to others' experiences, then
that's your thing. If it doesn't, then your thing isn't that.

It may help to step back from the specific question, and try to identify the goal you're trying to meet. Are you looking for deeper connections with
friends and loved ones? Are you looking for an easier time in social situations?

I think if you can identify the goal, you can start to break down how your own brain's way of doing things can approach that goal. "Empathy" might
not be the right track.
posted by colin_l at 8:09 PM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

I think one thing that is handy is being able to recognize that someone has a certain emotion, and what that emotion is. I mean, long before you get
to the "now I have empathy and understanding" point, it helps to reach the "I can at least name the feeling you're feeling" point.

To that end, I might recommend something like Paul Eckman's "Emotions Revealed," which discusses how people use their facial expressions to
tell you what emotions they are feeling. It can be very daunting to understand people, their thoughts and feelings, if you're missing out on the way
they're trying to communicate those feelings to you, and I think Eckman does a nice job of describing how faces are used as communication tools.
posted by mittens at 8:11 PM on November 6, 2015 [3 favorites]

I would echo kinoeye's words above. I believe that empathy and other behaviors can be understood logically.

Even if a person never feels empathy, they can behave in a moral, ethical manner. (Perhaps you already do so -- as your query demonstrates.)
Ethical, moral behavior makes for a fine human being and a good life. There are many established systems of ethics; morality is, in my opinion,
defined by the self.
posted by valannc at 8:11 PM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

So I think maybe the people asking for specifics are giving you a kind of help. I get the impression you're looking for a Grand Unified Theory of
human interaction. That's not going to happen.

What you can do is identify one specific type of interaction that is not working the way you want it to, and draw on whatever resources you have to

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figure out why and make it go di erently. Then once you've achieved some degree of success you pick the next one and you repeat. Sometimes
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there will be generalities you can apply and sometimes there won't be.

Sorry. I like generalizing and I get the impression you do too. Sometimes that works well and sometimes it doesn't.
posted by PMdixon at 8:15 PM on November 6, 2015 [2 favorites]

They are wrong. Emotions *make sense* they do. They are rational; what you lack is wider context.
Go back to the very beginning and look at human beings as what we are: Animals.
Our emotions are there to keep us alive and breeding. They are part of that system, and can't really be separated from it. A lot of the time they don't
seem to make sense because our perspectives are all di erent.
The next thing to be aware of is that staying alive is complex, not simple. We are a tribal species and interpersonal bonding is essential to our
continued survival. Much of our behaviours and instincts surround the need for social validation - get thrown out of the tribe and you die. Maybe
not today, maybe not tomorrow, but when you get sick or break a bone you're hyena food.
Another is that compassion is fundamental to our survival, but is SEVERELY discouraged in children (children learn through example and much
modern parenting revolves around the idea of needing strict discipline and controls and needing children to control their emotions for adults,
which messes with development). This leaves a lot of conflicting instincts in most adults; particularly since much energy will be spent on cognitive
dissonance (the need to justify a fundamental belief because it's important to survival, therefor rejecting contrary information - like the information
is required to fit in with one's tribe. It's seen a lot in religion, but also pretty much anything).
this is all basics I've picked up. I watch people and read about people a lot, as I have asperger's and di iculty relating to other people and how they
think and act.
People's values vary. That's important to remember; so, for instance, you will find change adverse people defending old systems that shouldn't be
defended, because to them change has a morally negative value; and you'll find the opposite is true of some people as well (I am actually change
positive for the most part) . Discover a person's value hierarchy and you are half way to being able to predict this person's actions (you must also
factor in their cognitive dissonance which may render their actions inconsistent - this is the need to be part of the group overriding the need for
individuality).
Moral balancing is another factor; the belief moral neutrality is enough so people can do bad things if they've done good ones. This too will
influence people's reactions and apparent adherence to their value hierarchy. I don't know why some people do this more than others, but all
people do it. Maybe it depend son the 'good' value placement.
Next we return to "people are animals" - people are influenced by lack of food, sleep, water, and stress. These things make people angry or
depressed, because they indicate damage to the ody and as ongoing problems they will create long term health issues so the brain treats it as an
emergency by heightening emotions to provoke a response to the problem.
People do make sense. Promise. It's just a matter of recognising the myriad of factors, and the variation of the values.

Next, actually figuring out empathy. Knowing WHY people do stu won't help you better interact with them though they will anger you less.
Practice not bargaining with people when you don't get what you want. Don't try to win situations or conversations, try to gain understanding
through them. Move your goal posts.
One thing to have a read in to, or watch videos on, is a conversation technique called 'Non violent communication' - It's more usually used in things
like diplomacy and youth rehabilitation - teaching people who lack empathy empathy. It works in reverse, too. You can learn to practice empathy
from it ...And I do mean 'practice' as in 'do to become better at'.
Try to understand people rather than have an understanding of people ready to go when you enter a situation.
I hope this is helpful, I haven't tried answering here before.
posted by erynnsilver at 8:48 PM on November 6, 2015 [17 favorites]

I'm married to someone who is not good at empathy. Her sister explained my confusion by saying it was like I was expecting someone with only one
leg to run fast. That is. I'm not sure you can find what you're hoping for.

I think following the advice above to find logical understanding of others' states may be your best approach, and that trying to find empathy may
be like trying to regrow a missing limb - which is not to suggest you're disabled. just trying to say that you may not have that perception, just as I'm
unable to hear well.
posted by anadem at 8:49 PM on November 6, 2015 [1 favorite]

I think when people hear "I want to understand people rationally" they hear "When other people don't act the way I would act, it's confusing." You
can't read people's minds well enough to know exactly what's going on in there well enough to judge whether or not all their thoughts,
motivations, and actions are proceeding in a logical manner. So we have to guess based on 2 things: that we know the other person has feelings
that work the same way as ours, but that are influenced by a lifetime of experience that makes the actual content of their process unknowable to us
until they tell us.

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Say I do something that seems very normal and ordinary but it makes my friend sad so she goes into her room and doesn't speak to me for the rest
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of the day. That doesn't seem rational, why should that make her sad? i have felt sad before so I know it's not a nice way to feel, so I feel bad that I
did that to my friend. Also having felt sad before, I know that sometimes it can be brought on if I get reminded of something from the past, that
someone else might not know about. I apologize to my friend and she can tell I really am sorry I made her feel bad. That makes her safe enough to
tell me what was up with her before. Now I know. I have used empathy to navigate this situation.
posted by bleep at 8:54 PM on November 6, 2015 [4 favorites]

I actually think empathy is more rarely practiced and harder to develop than you might think. Most people behave politely toward one another out
of custom, to avoid embarrassment, or just because it's practical, not because they have a strong intuitive sense of emotion.

This is less true for deep interpersonal relationships, e.g. with family, but more applies to everyday encounters with strangers, casual
acquaintances, coworkers, etc. I don't know where you live, but I especially find that when I'm in a big city, my empathy level hovers around zero.
There are so many people begging for money, harassing me to sign petitions, bumping into me on the subway, talking loudly on cell phones, etc.,
that I just shut o emotionally from the world around me and more or less act like everyone I encounter between my apartment and my job is an
NPC in a big dumb role-playing game.

I think you develop empathy when you develop a relationship with someone. You develop a relationship by sharing what you are feeling yourself.
You make yourself vulnerable, which is always a gamble, and then the other person o ers up a bit of themselves that way. And so on, until you start
to understand each other, and start to realize that there is an internal logic, however unintuitive it may seem, that governs your seemingly illogical
emotion-driven behaviors.

The aggregate result of this process, performed in repetition over a period of years, is a general sense for why people behave a certain way. That's
the more general sense of empathy I think you're a er -- an intuitive sense for what people are feeling and why.

That last part is hard. I know very few people who can do it well, mainly because it requires you to be very emotionally vulnerable yourself. "If you
stare into the abyss, the abyss stares into you." Or something like that. It also takes experience, so older folks tend to be more empathetic, I think.
posted by deathpanels at 9:05 PM on November 6, 2015 [5 favorites]

I'm going to take a di erent tack here and you may just have to bear with the tone for a minute.

I worship the god of understanding which is why this comment really bugs me:

I don't really know what it means to understand something non-rationallyit seems to me that understanding without reason isn't understanding at
all.

So you needed to understand that the earth revolves around the sun in a specific pattern in such a way that it appears, to us earthlings, to descend
into the horizon for you to understand that the sun sets? I think you purport a constellation of thoughts that support your idea about yourself and
the people in the world around you in order to avoid the introspection necessary to meet your outlined goals. Let's take a look at a few things.

I o en end up resentful that people so obstinately refuse to make sense (how is that an unreasonable expectation?)

Because your expectations are not important or powerful enough to alter the interior worlds of others. And they never will be. That's a fact. But we
all want our expectations met, on some level. It makes us feel safe, secure, and important. So why don't you feel safe, secure, and important? What
things, not people, get in the way of that? What things engender those feelings?

I'm supposed to learn empathy by "being more aware of others' feelings", which is really just another way of saying "be empathetic".

Not even close. Empathy is the ability to understand the emotions of others and share them. Awareness is a wholly separate thing. You were
probably aware that the sun goes down at a particular time of day before you understood it. So this feels like a strawman you prop up to justify
nurturing the thought that somehow other people are the problem. But we all have these strawmen. I don't feel accomplishment, ever. It never
happens. People describe it and I know for a fact that I don't feel what they're describing. But sometimes I do think that maybe I chose this. I don't
know why I would have. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. You get that, right?

Is there a book I should read? A principle I should keep in mind? A type of professional I should seek out? A specific practice I can adopt? I realize that it
won't be possible to fully answer this question in a single AskMe, but maybe you can get me started in the right direction?

You're kind of straight up pandering to the kind of advice that AskMe likes to dole out on the serious reg. Which makes me wonder if you're really
interested in any of those things. Asking for stock answers seems like a really e ective way to encourage a di erent set of answers. I think you
understand people a little more than you're letting on. But there's a reason that those kinds of answers come up so frequently in AskMe. People
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love to have the right answer. But usually, they just have the answer that was right for them. By helping another with the answer right for
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themselves, they get to feel not so alone. And I think you also know that alone doesn't feel very good. It's one of the worst feelings I have.

I know this probably sounds like "HOW GRONK EAT FOOD" to most of you.

Not at all. It sounds like a real struggle with no real adversary except yourself. But you haven't given up looking. Or trying to look. Or trying to try.
That's meaningful. It means you still have some hope. And hope feels good.

I suspect that some of you might be thinking "wow, you really sound like a jerk".

Now that's the easy way out. If you're a jerk than that's just who you are and there's nothing to be done about it. I get that completely. I AM A JERK.
I say hurtful things to people when I'm feeling bad. I act impatient and angry at people who have nothing to with why I'm feeling those things. I hurt
people emotionally so they understand they better not try to hurt me. Some kind of insecurity, I suppose.

Thanks.

You're welcome. I hope you understand me.

posted by SinisterPurpose at 11:51 PM on November 6, 2015 [8 favorites]

It sounds to me like you're getting frustrated, because when you try and analyze someone else's behavior, you feel like you're trying to analyze a
blank wall or an empty space: there isn't anything there for you to analyze, except for behavior which makes no sense to you. Which says, to me,
that you're probably not recognizing the emotions other people are giving o , so you're trying to understand cause and e ect without being able to
see any of the causes.

So I think the first step is to practice recognizing other people's emotions when you see them. One way to do that is to watch a tv show and then
read recaps of it a erwards, because the recapper will talk about when a character was sad or angry, etc, and if you didn't catch that the first time,
you can go back and watch those bits again. Another thing you can do is start reading about body language and facial expressions. Here's an article
to get you started called, How to Read Body Language More E ectively.

You should also read Miss Manners, because she will explain a lot of social conventions, which will also help you understand why people do certain
things the way they do. And finally, AskMe human relations questions are a huge, fantastic resource, if you want to learn more about people's
motivations for doing things, because you'll get to read a lot about things that usually just go on behind people's eyes that you wouldn't normally
hear about otherwise.
posted by colfax at 1:37 AM on November 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yes exactly yarntheory - basically instead of thinking people are irrational, assume they are rational. Then ask yourself: what is motivating a
rational person to do/say this right now? Based on their actions, what do they want? Knowing what they want, how must they be feeling?

Basically try to logic out the worldview each person is operating under.

The word you want to google is "mentalization" ie understanding and conceptualizing the mental state of self and others. Find a therapist who
specialzes in this kind of therapy. It will help you escape your own point of view and learn to see the views of others - empathy.

Finally get in touch with your own feelings. I can assure you that you're nowhere near as rational as you think you are. Understanding your own
feelings will allow you to relate to those of others.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:48 AM on November 7, 2015 [4 favorites]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I came in to say something very similar to what kinoeye said above. I started out in a very similar position to
you, and I have learned a lot about human interaction over the a years.* It's been hard work, but I think you can do it too.

Things that helped me:

(1) Reading pop-psychology books that I found on my parents' bookshelves as a child, about twenty years ago. The one I remember most is You
Just Don't Understand, which taught me the important lesson that when someone complains about a problem they have, they might be asking for
one of two responses (broadly speaking), and that it's very annoying to get the wrong one. The two responses are sympathising and problem-
solving. I liked this book because it had a lot of real example conversations and explained its points very clearly, but I would caution you against
taking as read that the di erences in conversational approach are a male/female split. In my later experiences I have found that this isn't

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necessarily the case, and that the same person can . I think I also read Families and How to Survive Them and The Five Love Languages around the
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same time. I don't remember much about that one and it may be oversimplified, but I think it could be useful for showing you some di erent ways
people experience similar circumstances.

(2) Reading books on body language, at around the same time. I don't remember any specific titles, here, but I found these books useful because
they demonstrated a link between the inner states of people and their external appearances.

They also started me thinking about the way I communicated my internal state to others through my own body language. This is a topic I still find
rather frightening to think about but it's good to be aware of! To put a couple of my findings very simply: people used to always ask me what was
wrong, because I used to walk about with my face in a neutral position and not change expression when I saw them. This annoyed me. I learnt that
if I smile and acknowledge people when meeting them, they don't ask this any more. ('Resting bitch face' is totally a gendered and racialised
'problem'; this is my workaround for it, because in daily life people asking me what's wrong is more immediately annoying to me than the political
issue.) A second discovery I made: people enjoy talking to you more if you respond, facially and with your body language, to what they say, and --
unrelated to body language -- if you ask them related questions. This incidentally gives you more information about their perspectives and values,
which is useful for developing your empathetic responses as described elsewhere in the thread.

I liked etiquette guides at this age, too. It's clear that I was trying to learn the rules of this alien society I found myself in.

(3) Reading novels. I read a lot as a child, and still read a fair amount as an adult. I really think this gave me a huge advantage in relating to other
people, compared to how I might have turned out naturally. Fanfic would also be good for this, as town of cats mentioned. I've also read a lot
about comparative religion, parapsychology, history, and other topics. Now that I come to think about it for this answer, I believe this has also
helped me by giving me lots of examples of alternative schemas through which people might understand the world.

Let me reiterate that human behaviour and interactions really can be logically reasoned about, but that you need information about the starting
positions and states of the parties involved to do a good job. This information includes their values, their emotional state and the e ects it might
have on their behaviour (both in general and in the individual), and pressures from their surroundings and the people they are with. It takes time to
amass all this data, but you can start at any time, and you can glean it from a lot of surprising sources.

(4) Reading the AskMe human relations category. I'm putting this separately, both because it's been such a huge help to me and because I think it's
di erent from the above, in that questioners and answerers on AskMe tend to discuss their thought processes and social norms quite explicitly.
Also great: Captain Awkward.

(5) Something that isn't reading! Honestly, a lot of the progress I've made in engaging empathetically with humans has been made with the help of
my mum. When I was a kid, she explained things to me, encouraged me and challenged me to get out of my socially-isolated default. One of the
things that helped me in high school, although it was di icult at the time, was that she set me the challenge, each school day, of reporting to her
five things I'd learned about my classmates through conversation. Stu like, "Romeena has new shoes," or, "Faye is going to a party at the
weekend." Can you challenge yourself to find out this same kind of thing?

(6) Learning (both in theory and practice!) about small talk and active listening.

(7) Another practical one, which may not be possible for you right now, but that has greatly helped me: having people in my life which whom all
these implicit social norms and behaviours can be made explicit. I live with my partner and a housemate,** and it's perfectly normal for us to say
things like:

"Do you want sympathetic listening, or would you like me to try to help solving your problem?"
"Would you like a hug, or shall I give you some space?"
"Would you like conversation, or shall we have some quiet time?"

It's so restful and refreshing not to have to decode this stu all the time that I think it helps us recharge for interacting with the rest of the world. We
also discuss interpersonal problems from our lives with each other. It's great to get feedback about what might have happened and what we could
do about it, from a perspective that acknowledges that social skills are something you have to work on, and

(8) Therapy! Sorry for being that MeFite. My housemate points out that cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is designed for working out this kind of
problem. I don't know if you have di iculty in identifying your own emotions as you're experiencing them; I certainly used to, and sometimes still
do, and my first therapist really helped me with this. My guess is that understanding your own emotions, and the way they act on your judgment
and perception, can help you understand how this could work in other people. It has definitely improved things for me even without that e ect,
though. Before, when I was keyed up and upset but couldn't identify why, or how, it was overwhelming and I couldn't get past it. Nowadays I (o en
but not always) can.

(fin)

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I'm sorry for the huge infodump, when I really only meant to add a +1 to kinoeye's answer, and I hope some of this will be useful for you. I only
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realised in writing this up just how much of it is based on reading, because that's how I learn best. Practising with real, live humans was important
too, but the books gave me a foundation to work from.

I don't think you're a jerk at all. I think you're a good person and you're trying your best. Feel free to memail me if you think I could help further.

---
*So much so that I actually got called 'empathic' a few weeks ago -- wow. Granted, that was by my therapist, who was explaining why she doesn't
think I'm on the autism spectrum, so not ideal, but still kind of cool.
** I told my housemate that I was writing this answer, to combat the notion that empathy is instinctive and can't be derived logically, and she
agreed that this idea is bullshit. She says that you can practise these skills until they become nearly instinctual, but they don't start out that way.
Like ice skating!
posted by daisyk at 3:46 AM on November 7, 2015 [11 favorites]

SinisterPurpose said what I wanted to, but much better. There's not really a rhyme or reason as to why people like one food over another - eating a
particular food just makes the person feel good. I'm sure you also have preferences, and if you try to examine why you like pizza, you won't get any
farther that "Because I do. Because it tastes good." Or why it is you feel like eating pizza one day and tacos the next. It doesn't really make SENSE.

It doesn't make (logical) sense why people would want to smoke or do hard drugs or fight with their spouses either, but in the moment that it
happens, that is what feels good to the person doing it. Empathy is understanding why that is.

Awareness is the first step. You're not a jerk.

posted by chainsofreedom at 4:50 AM on November 7, 2015

Acting classes.

In the great documentary char*ac*ter, Sydney Pollack is asked why he thought so many actors tend to be liberal/Democrats. He said he thought it
was because when you're an actor you are literally forced to walk in someone else's shoes, which teaches you empathy.

(I'll leave it up to the reader to decide if a strong sense of empathy makes someone lean Democratic.)
posted by Room 641-A at 5:07 AM on November 7, 2015

I could be completely o the mark, but having read your previous question, I have a feeling you might really benefit from looking into the concept
of alexithymia. It is a clinical construct (n.b. not a diagnosis) used for describing an impairment in reading and understanding people's emotions,
the emotional content of communication, the emotional motivations behind people's actions, and one's own emotional states or needs. As the
Wikipedia article states: "The core characteristics of alexithymia are marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment, and
interpersonal relating."

Awareness and understanding of others' as well as one's own emotions and emotional needs is a key requirement for the kind of intuitive empathy
you've told us you're lacking. The Merriam-Webster definition of empathy is "the feeling that you understand and share another person's experiences
and emotions : the ability to share someone else's feelings". Basically, so much of it depends on recognizing and responding to emotions. And if
you're "colourblind" to the emotions involved in social interactions, no shit navigating them is going to be bewildering.

There's a lot of speculation on - and research into - the possible neurological underpinnings of alexithymia and empathy, such as the functioning of
mirror neurons and/or connectivity between di erent parts of the brain. I've been planning to post on the blue about alexithymia, but haven't got
around to it, so I'll just throw a couple of links to articles here for now:
What it's like to be emotionally blind
The loneliness of alexithymia
The emotional blindness of alexithymia
www.alexithymia.us

If you think this may apply to you, you could use it to narrow down the kind of professional you want to look for, and to communicate to them more
clearly what kind of help you need (as well as what's not useful). Alexithymia is very common among people on the spectrum, so finding a
professional who's experienced in working with this group could work for you, even if you don't share other symptoms with them.

Good luck!
posted by sively at 5:43 AM on November 7, 2015 [3 favorites]

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There are many resources for improving social skills, developing empathy, and acknowledging that there is not just one kind of logic in this
universe. Here's one, for example: http://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/ (I have no connection to this person).

I think getting a little more comfortable with the ambiguity in life will help. We tend towards pushing things to be black and white when we're
trying to control the world around us, rather than see and accept it as it is. I observe about equal evidence in your post for not wanting to grok
empathy as for not being innately able to grok empathy.

Best wishes on your journey.

posted by dancing leaves at 5:55 AM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

I disagree that empathy is the opposite of rationality.

If you want to empathize with someone, try to calculate what judgements they are making based on the information they possess, their state, and
the experiences they have had. "Put yourself in their shoes", and try to imagine yourself as that person. For example, if they are physically smaller
than you, might they be intimidated by you: they don't possess the information that you're harmless. If they've had a full day of work, perhaps
they're tired and don't want the burden of learning something new. If they are female and you are male, perhaps they have an experience of being
constantly hit on by men and are therefore suspicious of strange men.

To lack empathic understanding is to make the logical error of assuming that another person must have the same information, attitudes and
assumptions as you.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 7:05 AM on November 7, 2015 [6 favorites]

And, honestly, I o en end up resentful that people so obstinately refuse to make sense (how is that an unreasonable expectation?), and that they think
it fair to force me to navigate this invisible, irrational, ever-shi ing maze.

I wonder if your question has to do with something entirely di erent than empathy. Because a er reading this part of your post, it sounds as
though the problem may simply be an inability to accept that other people have the agency to make their own decisions.

In my own life, I typically don't experience too much frustration with other people when they are doing what I want them to do. It's when they
don't do what I like, that they don't make sense, are frustrating, and I get pissed o . YMMV.
posted by strelitzia at 8:13 AM on November 7, 2015 [5 favorites]

And, honestly, I o en end up resentful that people so obstinately refuse to make sense (how is that an unreasonable expectation?)

I think this is your biggest problem. Your expectation seems to be that what makes sense to you is somehow the objectively "rational"
interpretation and to di er from this is unreasonable. This sounds less like a lack of empathy and more of just being upset when people disagree
with you.

On preview, I see strelitzia has a similar impression.

posted by ndfine at 8:32 AM on November 7, 2015 [7 favorites]

These folks are right about one thing: I am hoping for human behavior to make sense, and I am looking for rational answers. Because that's, like, the
only kind of answer I understand, the only kind I find satisfying, and the only kind that even looks like an answer to me.

One more thought. This, to me, sounds like someone with a deep need to control the outcome of situations. I know that when I've struggled the
most with "having to make sense" out of someone else's behavior, it was when I was when I wanted to change what they were doing/had done.

Working on letting go of the desire to manage human behavior (other than our own) with a therapist might be a useful goal. Best to you.
posted by strelitzia at 9:17 AM on November 7, 2015 [2 favorites]

"Basically, I'm being advised to use a tool other than reason to make sense of people and social situations, but I don't know what that tool is, or
how to use it. Help? Is there a book I should read? A principle I should keep in mind?"

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I used to be a lot less empathetic, much like you, and looking back, I see that a lot of my behavior was similar to that of people generally labeled as
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being on the autism spectrum. I knew there was something di erent about me, as did many of the people I interacted with; but I could also fake
things well enough to get by fairly well.

One thing that helped me change, and gain insight, was treating my sleep apnea. Being tired all the time severely hampered my ability to
understand other people, and my patience for doing so. If you are constantly stressed or tired, and there's a physical or environmental reason for it,
try to deal with that condition as best you can.

Another thing was becoming more aware of my own body, and really grokking - by direct, in-the-moment observation - that my physical state
changes my mental state, and vice-versa, and there are feedback loops going on. The thoughts (and feelings) we have are not just abstract things
crashing against each other and synthesizing and disappearing in a perfect, bodiless realm - and neither are the thoughts and feelings of other
people. Two things helped with really understanding this. One was doing yoga, which forced me to hold interesting physical positions and pay
attention to my body. The second was seeing a therapist who had me examine the bodily sensations associated with my feelings. If you go back to
therapy, instead of asking questions about why other people do irrational things, try examining why you do the things you do and feel the things
that you feel, and how it relates to your body.

Have you read Daniel Kahnemann's Thinking Fast and Slow? That great book about the fast-thinking System 1 which takes shortcuts in making
decisions, and the slower, rational System 2, and recognizing our cognitive biases? It's a great book, and great for people who want to improve their
System 2. But for people like me (and maybe you), there's something that's mentioned, but quickly passed over, in the book - System 1, the fast,
not-quite-rational system, works well, and probably better than being rational, in a lot of situations. Because that's the way the world is. Trying to
examine people's System 1 with your System 2 in real-time - and real-time, face-to-face interactions are important - is way too hard. Look to
developing your System 1.
posted by mistersix at 2:55 PM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

Your question is pretty vague, so answers are going to depend pretty heavily on what type of scenario comes to someone's mind first.

I am not even 100% sure what you mean by empathy. Do you mean the ability to discern and navigate other people's feelings and perspectives? Do
you believe you're bad at this in ways that other people are not?

Everyone does things that don't make obvious logical sense. Including you. I'm sure of it. You must have some weird sore spot or phobia or comfort
zone or thing you just really really like or dislike for no reason you can articulate. Nobody consistently understands how and why humans do what
they do. Anyone who tells you they do is full of shit whether they know it or not. What socially adept people do is follow a set of social guidelines
that are agreed on in their specific culture, consciously or unconsciously, and they respect people's preferences even when they don't share or
understand them.

You don't need to find a logical and defensible reason that some people are afraid of spiders. You should just know that some people are, and not
show people cool pictures of tarantulas without warning them.

Think of an 'empathetic' person you know. How good are they at empathizing with you? You are a person, a er all. Do they understand you? Are
they respectful of the ways you are di erent from them, or are they just trying to teach you how to become them?

People who think of themselves as being extremely empathetic are sometimes just the opposite: They're people who are well represented enough
in mainstream culture that they are oblivious to the fact that their interests and proclivities are not the universal ideal, and that other cultures and
other people are not just failed attempts at being them. If someone is criticizing you simply for being di erent from them, that's not something
that's wrong with you.

If a lot of people are telling you you lack empathy, or if you are genuinely confused by normal social interactions, that's something to work on.
However, focus more on learning social norms and respecting people even when you don't understand them than on trying to cultivate a deep
understanding of why people are the way they are. Nobody knows that.

So not the Golden Rule. The Golden Rule sucks. What you want is the Platinum Rule.
posted by ernielundquist at 3:21 PM on November 7, 2015 [1 favorite]

When people's actions don't make sense to me, I just try to be kinder than necessary.
posted by tackypink at 3:47 AM on November 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

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As Brene Brown (social worker, author, researcher) reminds us, empathy requires vulnerability. From the tone of your posting, I wonder how
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comfortable you are being vulnerable. A question for you to ponder. This video does an excellent and quick job of defining empathy. It is indeed a
muscle that you use and it can grow stronger if you do. Best wishes.
posted by Kitty Cornered at 9:52 AM on November 9, 2015

Older Good citation re engineering performance metrics. | Should I tell my boss I'm looking for another job? Newer

This thread is closed to new comments.

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