Christopher Franz

11/9/15
HD 341 Journal #4: Hidden Agendas & Interpersonal Communication

While reviewing this week's required reading, I felt awkward and

uncomfortable. It was as though someone had pulled the covers off me, leaving
me vulnerable and exposed. At different points in my life, I've employed
"defensive maneuvers" (80 McKay) in order to get my way. I've controlled and
manipulated people and situations by projecting images of what I've wanted the
world to see about me. Such deep truths are difficult to process.
Like many, I believed I grew up in a dysfunctional family environment. In
effort to defuse the perceived tensions at home, I adopted the hidden agenda of
"You're good, but I'm not" (82 McKay). By becoming the scapegoat for my family, I
created an identity that suited my own self interests and gave people around me
something to rally in support of. The desired impression was that I was blameless
in all my affairs. This agenda also blocked me from having any uncomfortable
demands or expectations placed upon me. I only needed to be responsible for
'trying' rather than succeeding. This "psychological insurance" (86 McKay) was
simply a ploy to excuse my failures. "Don't pray for me guys, I'm not worth
saving," was a common chorus. Statements like this produced guilt, warded off
anger, and dismissed change. The cop-out was always that I had 'emotional
problems' and 'substance abuse issues.' No one was going to expect much from
someone who didn't expect much from themselves. My family would cry out, "If
only Chris could take care of himself, our lives would be better." In time, I began to
believe this negative feedback loop. This pervasive attitude killed off
opportunities to develop real feelings of intimacy. My stories would invariably
focus on my misfortune, injustice, and abuse. These descriptive assumptions (67
Browne Kelley ) only allowed others to hear how fragile, wronged, damaged, and
unlovable I believed myself to be. These maneuvers ultimately isolated me from
ever being known or accepted for who I authentically was (86 McKay). Since I
curated my life, no one ever got to see the real me.
 As I got older, I could see that I was doing this to appease an underlying
character defect of sloth. In order to move past this idea, there were a number
of things I needed to do differently. I began by taking accountability for my
statements and actions. Today, if I catch myself slipping into morbid self reflection
or future tripping, I'll apologize to the person I'm speaking with, and inform them
that I'm trying to break the habit. Looking at situations from the opposite
perspective also helps. If a situation requires further examination, I can simply log
in the number of times I use a particular agenda in conversation. By tracking the
stories I tell, and the people I tell them to, I can determine how much of what I say
is influenced by these agendas. (86 McKay)
Early on, I realized that people liked to be entertained. As I got older, and
my life choices became healthier, the "You're good, (but I'm not)" agenda
morphed into a mixture of Im Good, & I Know It All (84 McKay). From then on
out, all anyone ever saw of me were "carefully selected stories and calculated
remarks (80 McKay )." I was always recounting stories of my heroics, and painting
myself in the best possible light. Whenever possible, I'd hijack conversations and
highlight the attributes I thought people would be most impressed with. The real
purpose of this type of communication wasn't to inform or entertain anyone, but
to prove how smart I thought I was. I knew a little about a lot, and would
constantly steer conversations into subjects for which I had a few prophetic words
of wisdom. I'd wax at great length about my "essential value" as a person, in
effort to prove that I was good enough (80 McKay). I spoke ten steps ahead of
where I was in hopes of sounding like I had "it" together. This wasn't my authentic
self, it was merely a role I played. Consequently, if people responded favorably, to
my shtick, I'd resent them for it. I didn't trust anyone with the parts of me that
were less than perfect (81 McKay ). At times, I felt like I was in a room full of
strangers, yet everyone knew who I was. I was hiding in plain sight.
I surrounded myself with younger people, who were easily impressed and
intimidated. I muscled my way through life, both psychologically and physically.
After all, everyone's a little phony, in today's social media driven world. I worked
hard and played hard, and made sure everyone knew it. During a typical
interaction with me I'd rattle off my schedule, and overwhelm you with news of
where I'd been, what I was doing, and all the places I had to rush off to as soon as
the conversation was done. This tactic keep my relationships at bay. People
wouldnt ask me for much because I was so busy (84 McKay). The underlying
message was that I was stronger and worked harder, faster, and longer than
anyone else. I was in control, in charge, and, most importantly, above reproach. In
reality, the sole purpose of the agenda was to safeguard me against being hurt by
my fragile self-esteem. I was afraid of rejection and unsure of my worth, but I
couldn't be criticized if I had the respect, admiration, and assurance of my peers.
Over the years I came to a better understanding of how to temper my
dominance and learned to allow others to state their opinions. I saw that I was
sacrificing an ability to evolve on issues. I began making strides by calling others
and asking them how they're doing, without ever injecting my opinions critiques,
or offering suggestions. This practice helped me foster relationships and cultivate
deeper friendships. Nowadays, I try to regulate my behavior and my patterns.
Today, I pray and meditate to defuse situations before they manifest into larger
problems. I take accountability for my actions and statements and work on
empathizing with others.
--
M. Neil Browne, Stuart M. Keeley, Asking the Right Questions: A Guide to Critical
Thinking (5th Edition) 2013.
Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, Patrick Fanning. Messages: The Communication
Skills Book (3rd Ed.). 2009.