Zombie Shakespeare

Romeo and Juliet
JULIET
O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
ROMEO:
Auugh?
JULIET:
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.
ROMEO
(aside) auuuuughghhgh
JULIET
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;

What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.(HITS WITH RUBBER CHICKEN)
ROMEO
Aughhhghh
JULIET
What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night

So stumblest on my counsel?
ROMEO
Aughghhgh?
JULIET
My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words

Of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound:
Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?
ROMEO
Auuuughgaughhhaghhhgauggh
JULIET
How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?

The orchard walls are high and hard to climb,
And the place death, considering who thou art,
If any of my kinsmen find thee here.
ROMEO
Auuughh…
JULIET
If they do see thee, they will murder thee.
ROMEO
Auugh?
JULIET
I would not for the world they saw thee here.
ROMEO
Aughaugh
JULIET
By whose direction found'st thou out this place?
ROMEO
Aughaughaugh
JULIET
Come to thy heart as that within my breast! (Beats with balcony pole)
ROMEO
Augh
JULIET
What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?
ROMEO
Brains?
JULIET
I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:

And yet I would it were to give again.
NURSE:
[Within] Madam?
JULIET
I come, anon.--But if thou mean'st not well,
I do beseech thee--
ROMEO:
Auuugh?
NURSE:
[Within] Madam!
JULIET
A thousand times good night!
(Nurse attacks Juliet. Juliet screams and is eaten horribly. Romeo looks sad and dejected. Wanders off and
zombie keeper pats him on the head and takes him off.)
SIGN 1
Calontir Hunter
Zombie Othello
OTHELLO
It is the cause, it is the cause, my soul,--

Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars!--
It is the cause. Yet I'll not shed her blood;
Nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow,
And smooth as monumental alabaster.
Yet she must die, else she'll betray more men.
Put out the light, and then put out the light:
Be thus when thou art dead, and I will kill thee,
And love thee after. This sorrow's heavenly;
It strikes where it doth love. She wakes.
DESDEMONA
Auuurrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh….
OTHELLO
Ay. Desdemona.
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
Have you pray'd to-night, Desdemona?
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
If you bethink yourself of any crime

Unreconciled as yet to heaven and grace,
Solicit for it straight.
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
Well, do it, and be brief; I will walk by:

I would not kill thy unprepared spirit;
No; heaven forfend! I would not kill thy soul.
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
Ay, I do.
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
Amen, with all my heart!
DESDEMONA:
OTHELLO
Ay, and for that thou diest.
DESDEMONA
Auuurrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh….?
OTHELLO
Peace, and be still!
DESDEMONA
Aurgh…
OTHELLO
That handkerchief which I so loved and gave thee

Thou gavest to Cassio.
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
Sweet soul, take heed,

Take heed of perjury; thou art on thy deathbed.
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
Yes, presently:
Therefore confess thee freely of thy sin;
For to deny each article with oath
Cannot remove nor choke the strong conception
That I do groan withal. Thou art to die.
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
I say, amen.
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
I saw the handkerchief.
DESDEMONA
(conversationally…) Auuurrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh….
OTHELLO
He hath confess'd.
DESDEMONA
Auuuurrrggghhhh……
OTHELLO
That he hath used thee.
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
Out, strumpet! weep'st thou for him to my face?
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
Down, strumpet!
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
Nay, if you strive--
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
Being done, there is no pause.
DESDEMONA
OTHELLO
It is too late.
He stifles her
He stifles her
He stifles her
He stifles her
…………pause….
He stifles her
Pulls out the axe………….. ;)

Dean breaks character, goes “happy” and goes off stage to call his agent…
Taming of the Shrew
Petruchio: I will attend her here,

And woo her with some spirit when she comes.
Say that she rail; why then I'll tell her plain
She sings as sweetly as a nightingale:
Say that she frown, I'll say she looks as clear
As morning roses newly wash'd with dew:
Say she be mute and will not speak a word;
Then I'll commend her volubility,
And say she uttereth piercing eloquence:
But here she comes; and now, Petruchio, speak.
Good morrow, Kate; for that's your name, I hear.
KATHARINA (Tess)
Aaaaauurrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh……..
PETRUCHIO
You lie, in faith; for you are called plain Kate,

And bonny Kate and sometimes Kate the curst;
But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom
Kate of Kate Hall, my super-dainty Kate,
For dainties are all Kates, and therefore, Kate,
Take this of me, Kate of my consolation;
Hearing thy mildness praised in every town,
Thy virtues spoke of, and thy beauty sounded,
Yet not so deeply as to thee belongs,
Myself am moved to woo thee for my wife.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Why, what's a moveable?
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Thou hast hit it: come, sit on me.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Women are made to bear, and so are you.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Alas! Good Kate, I will not burden thee;

For, knowing thee to be but young and light--
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Come, come, you wasp; i' faith, you are too angry.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
My remedy is then, to pluck it out.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Whose tongue?
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Nay, come again, Good Kate; I am a gentleman.
KATHARINA
She strikes him
PETRUCHIO
I swear I'll cuff you, if you strike again.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
A herald, Kate? O, put me in thy books!

KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
A combless cock, so Kate will be my hen.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Nay, come, Kate, come; you must not look so sour.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Why, here's no crab; and therefore look not sour.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Then show it me.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
What, you mean my face?
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Now, by Saint George, I am too young for you.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Nay, hear you, Kate: in sooth you ‘scape not so.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
No, not a whit: I find you passing gentle.

'Twas told me you were rough and coy and sullen,
And now I find report a very liar;
For thou are pleasant, gamesome, passing courteous,
But slow in speech, yet sweet as spring-time flowers:
Thou canst not frown, thou canst not look askance,
Nor bite the lip, as angry wenches will,
O, let me see thee walk: thou dost not halt.
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Did ever Dian so become a grove

As Kate this chamber with her princely gait?
O, be thou Dian, and let her be Kate;
And then let Kate be chaste and Dian sportful!
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Am I not wise?
KATHARINA
PETRUCHIO
Marry, so I mean, sweet Katharina, in thy bed:

And therefore, setting all this chat aside,
Thus in plain terms: your father hath consented
That you shall be my wife; your dowry 'greed on;
And, Will you, nil you, I will marry you.
Now, Kate, I am a husband for your turn;
For, by this light, whereby I see thy beauty,
Thy beauty, that doth make me like thee well,
Thou must be married to no man but me;
For I am he am born to tame you Kate,
And bring you from a wild Kate to a Kate
Conformable as other household Kates.
Here comes your father: never make denial;
I must and will have Katharina to my wife.

Zombie Shakespeare

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Romeo and Juliet

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;

What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night

My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words

How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?

If they do see thee, they will murder thee.

I would not for the world they saw thee here.

By whose direction found'st thou out this place?

What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?

I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:

A thousand times good night!

It is the cause, it is the cause, my soul,--

Have you pray'd to-night, Desdemona?

If you bethink yourself of any crime

Well, do it, and be brief; I will walk by:

Amen, with all my heart!

Ay, and for that thou diest.

Peace, and be still!

That handkerchief which I so loved and gave thee

Sweet soul, take heed,

I saw the handkerchief.

That he hath used thee.

Out, strumpet! weep'st thou for him to my face?

Nay, if you strive--

Being done, there is no pause.

Pulls out the axe………….. ;)

Taming of the Shrew

Petruchio: I will attend her here,

Good morrow, Kate; for that's your name, I hear.

You lie, in faith; for you are called plain Kate,

Why, what's a moveable?

Thou hast hit it: come, sit on me.

Women are made to bear, and so are you.

Alas! Good Kate, I will not burden thee;

My remedy is then, to pluck it out.

Nay, come again, Good Kate; I am a gentleman.

She strikes him

I swear I'll cuff you, if you strike again.

A herald, Kate? O, put me in thy books!

A combless cock, so Kate will be my hen.

Nay, come, Kate, come; you must not look so sour.

Why, here's no crab; and therefore look not sour.

Then show it me.

What, you mean my face?

Now, by Saint George, I am too young for you.

Nay, hear you, Kate: in sooth you ‘scape not so.

No, not a whit: I find you passing gentle.

Did ever Dian so become a grove

Marry, so I mean, sweet Katharina, in thy bed:

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