Poem For Your Sprog - Collected Works

The Collected Reddit Poetry of /u/Poem for your sprog
September 21, 2016

#1045 If you could call yourself five years ago and had 30
seconds, what would you say?
2016-09-21 18:27:16
/u/thisguyfukss
/u/19081624060216221807
Alright, listen up you little shit. In five years, you will have 30 seconds to call yourself
from five years ago. Think of something better than I did.
/u/Anonymously-Used
Do you want to cease to exist? Because that is how you cease to exist.
EDIT: thanks for my first ever gold, kind stranger!
/u/YetAnotherGilder2184
Nah, five-years-ago you would just procrastinate for five years and wind up sending the
same message back.
/u/khulu92
Procrastception
/u/ArchUnicorn
Its hitting the snooze button all the way down.
1
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Today Ill change the world, I thought,

And swore a solemn vow:
Its time to do the things I ought -
The futures starting now.
The moments come; the past has passed;

Tomorrows still to be;
Im moving up, and now at last,
Ill make a change for me.
I promise this, I thought to say:

To start today, and then -
I closed my eyes and turned away,
And hit the snooze again.
#1044 What do you wish still existed from your child-

hood?
2016-09-16 17:16:01
/u/PM ME LEFT CHEEKS
/u/fuckswithducks
Ive written about this before, but Im still trying to revive my favorite model of rubber
ducky. They were very common about 20-30 years ago and were even being sold in stores
in the last 10 years. Ive done a ton of research and can paint a picture about its rich
history. This story has changed a lot since the last time I posted it because Ive learned
a lot more since then.
In 1977, a toy company called Knickerbocker created a new toy called Ernies Rubber
Duckie. Designed by famous toy inventor Henry Orenstein (patent USD260915), this
toy would lay the foundation for one of the most iconic rubber ducks in history. The
original ducks were produced in the USA, and I have one of the original molds! In
1983, Knickerbocker was sold to Hasbro; which produced more of the ducks around 1985
through Playskool and Tommee Tippee. The Playskool ducks were produced in the USA
and Mexico and the Tommee Tippee production was in Taiwan. Around that time, a
Taiwanese factory got a hold of this toy and started creating generic knockos of it. By
1992, Playskool discontinued production of their rubber duck, but the generic versions
continued to pour out of Taiwan. Every few years, the made in Taiwan ducks which would
appear in toy stores across the United States.
Remember this stock photo? It appeared in everything from Photoshop tutorials to the
default Windows user account profile picture. Some were even used in an experiment to
test the pollution caused by dierent kinds of jet ski engines. Those particular ducks are
2
now mounted on the desk of politician Mark DeSaulnier, D-Calif. The city of Bellaire,
Michigan, uses thousands of them in an annual rubber duck race fundraiser.
Sadly, new duck designs have flooded the market these days and this particular design
has slowly faded from popularity. The last time I ever saw them was in a World Market
around 2008. It surprises me that a design which was so popular for 40 years has suddenly
disappeared in the last 8. If I find them again I would love to start my own small
business selling them to continue their legacy. Producing new molds from scratch is cost-
prohibitive and might not even come out right, so Im still hoping I can find one of the
original manufacturers to create more for me.
From Turkey to Thailand;

From Sweden to Spain;
From Texas to Georgia,
Montana to Maine;
From Papua New Guinea
To west of Peru -
He studied his subject, and searched for it through.
From charters to patents;

From rubbers to molds;
From little wee duckies
In yellows and golds;
From mills and to markets,
And decades by day -
He sought a solution, and searched for a way.
He started with Ernie -

And ended alone.
A profitless journey
Of life on his own.
Its over, he whispered,
If just for a while. . .
But one day Ill make you, he swore with a smile.
#1043 What do you wish still existed from your child-

hood?
2016-09-16 16:25:14
/u/PM ME LEFT CHEEKS
3
/u/farkinhell
Parents that didnt believe that the whole world was out to kidnap / abuse / harm their
children and let them go out and play instead.
He cant go out! He shant go out!

He wont be safe! she said -
She sadly sighed and cried with doubt:
Hell stay inside instead!
The worlds a dark and dreadful place

For tiny helpless boys -
We have to make a safer space;
A shielded life of joys!
Theres evil beasts at every bend,

And danger waits ahead!
It has to stop. It has to end.
He cant go out! she said.
Oh dearest darling wife of mine,

The other whispered, sad:
Just let him go - and hell be fine,
Said Little Timmys dad.
So Little Timmys mum agreed,

And Timmy went outside.
But Timmy met one of those
kidnapping-rapist-pedo-meth-addicts
that are everywhere nowadays.
And Timmy fucking died.
#1042 911 operators, whats the dumbest call youve ever

received?
2016-09-15 07:35:22
/u/deleriousshit
4
/u/nursejacqueline
Im a telephone triage nurse, so not 911, but a 24 hour hotline for people to call when
they are having a medical problem but arent sure if they need to go to the ER or not. I
have a few favorite stories, but Ill share this one:
A quite pregnant (dont remember exactly how far along, but definitely past 30 weeks)
woman calls to say that her doctor told her to refrain from having sex for the rest of the
pregnancy and she didnt understand why. I looked at her file, and saw she was having
pre-term contractions, so I explained that sexual activity can cause contractions, so it
was safer to abstain so the baby could stay inside as long as possible.
She tearfully exclaims, But how will I feed the baby?!?
Me: Im sorry, maam, could you repeat that?
Patient: How will I feed the baby if I cant have sex?!?
The patient was convinced that her baby was living o of her boyfriends semen, and
that it would starve if they stopped having sex. I explained about the umbilical cord,
etc. but she refused to believe me until I asked her about single moms, lesbian moms,
etc. and asked how she though their babies fed and grew. After a moment of silence, she
thanked me, and started to hang up the phone, but not before I heard her screaming her
boyfriends name.
That man had a good thing going for a while there. I honestly wasnt sure if I felt more
sorry for him, or a baby growing up in that household.
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
/u/pryjar
I have a few favorite stories
Care to share more? :)
/u/nursejacqueline
Heres another fave:

Man calls and asks for a male nurse. This happens pretty frequently when men call to
talk about genital issues, and we try to accommodate, but there werent any men working
that evening. I assured him that I could deal with whatever he needed to discuss.
I was very, VERY wrong.
The man says that he is afraid he might have an STD, as his penis was red and swollen.
So I ask about other symptoms, and if he has been having unprotected sex.
Patient: Yes. . . but not with a woman
Me: Well, you can get an STD from sex with men or women. . .
Patient: WHAT?!? Im not gay! I dont sleep with men!
Me: throughly confused Ok sir. . . were you using a toy?
Patient: No, it was a female. Just not a woman.
Me: even more confused and a bit scared Ummm. . . Sir, could you tell me from who or
what you suspect you got an STD?
Patient: Well, you see, ummm. . . My wife left me last month, and Ive been really sad
and lonely, and I have this chicken. . .
Me: A chicken? A live one?
5
Patient: Yes, a live chicken, from the coop in my backyard. Shes just so fluy and
soft, and Im so lonely. . . I had sex with her. And now I have an infection, and Im so
ashamed. . .
Me: Oh. Wow. Ok. Well, uh. . . I dont honestly, um. . . I dont know if there are STDs
which can be shared between humans and chickens. Let me make you an appointment
for tomorrow morning. . .
Turns out, he didnt have an STD. Just inflammation (maybe the chicken was too small?)
and advice to stick to adult humans for partnered sex.
/u/jberg93
Did he say who came first?
/u/lunastess
Well it definitely wasnt the egg.
Twas in the Fall, I still recall,

A gentle dawning morn -
He set a cock amongst the flock,
And ChickenMan was born.
#1041 Whats your fuck, not again story?

2016-09-14 19:02:20
/u/Josephg6484
/u/gingersyndrome
Well, the past 10 girls Ive been interested in have all been lesbians. At this point Im
almost afraid Ill fall for a straight girl and break my streak.
/u/MooCow93
One of my good friends has almost the opposite problem - the last 4-5 girls hes dated
have ended up realizing they were lesbians or bisexual shortly after their relationship with
him ended. . .
6
I cant believe youre gay, he cried,

And sobbed with sorrow, sore -
He hung his head and sadly sighed:
You should have said before.
They lay undressed and bare in bed -

He whispered: when, and how?
I wasnt gay before, she said,
And followed up: but now. . .
#1040 Whats your fuck, not again story?

2016-09-14 18:43:00
/u/Josephg6484
/u/maddomesticscientist
Getting arrested because they think Im that other girl with the same name that likes to
commit armed robbery and other fun felonies. It usually takes about 12+ hours for them
to believe me.
You need, she said, to set me free,

And look for her instead!
Im sure you understand, you see:
It wasnt me! she said.
Its just a random twist of chance,

Entwined and caught in crime -
And though its strange, at second glance,
It happens all the time!
And so, she cried, and stood with pride:

Let innocence prevail!
He shook his head and sadly sighed,
And hauled her ass to jail.
7
#1039 Whats something everyone just accepts as normal
thats actually completely fucked up when you think about
it?
2016-09-12 20:04:47
/u/TragicHero84
/u/biddlyboing
Working all of the hours of the day you want to be outside to pay the bills for a car you
only really use to get to work and a house / flat you mainly use for sleeping and preparing
food. That and the weekend.
/u/Costner Facts
I cant think too much about it or it starts making me way sad.

I wish for the work week to be over fast and then the weekend goes by and it starts all
over again. Before you know it, youre 36 and wondering where your youth went. Its
expensive to be alive.
/u/Greedwell
Im gonna save so much money when Im dead. I cant wait.
/u/OSRS Callgun
me too thanks
8
When Little Timmy fucking died,

And in the After, woke -
His court appointed specter sighed,
And rubbed his eyes and spoke:
Im sorry lad - its looking bad,

He blew a breathless breath;
You didnt plan, he whispered, sad -
You didnt save for death.
Its gonna cost a deal indeed,

This afterlife, for you -
Youve all your former pets to feed,
And house forever too!
Of course, youll need to move the ax

Protruding from your head -
And then theres after-passing tax,
And rental fees, he said.
Im sorry, lad, he spoke again:

You did the worst you could.
Theres really nothing for it then -
Youll have to work. . . for good.
#1038 A genie will grant you three wishes, but the wishes
must rhyme. What do you wish for?
2016-09-10 21:48:51
/u/InchZer0
/u/infez
Give everyone whos in world hunger some free meals and dishes
Clean all the dirty water for the people and the fishes
The ability to make infinite un-rhyming wishes
9
Now look, said the Genie, I told you before:

The problem with wishes - you cant ask for more!
The burden of curses condemns you for time!
I cant grant you wishes. I can make you rhyme!
And so, with the wave of a hand and a smile,

He grinned with delight and he laughed for a while.
He left the accursed in a sorcerous fog -
Forever bedevilled to rhyme. . . for your sprog.
#1037 What were you taught in school that you later

learned was completely untrue?
2016-09-10 19:00:40
/u/SantosMcGarry2016
/u/tcw1
In kindergarten, the teachers aid told us that north is always forwards no matter which
direction you are facing. During recess, I figured out which way north really was and told
her. Her response was, Only if you are facing that way.
EDIT: Her first language is English, I think she thought that we were unable to understand
north/south/east/west and she got really mad at me when I proved her wrong. Until she
was eventually fired a few years later, she tried to punish me with anything possible. For
example, when I talked during lunch, she moved me to a dierent table.
10
North, she smiled and sagely stated,

Pointed forth and indicated
All the forward land expanding:
Lies whichever way youre standing!
See, she said, convinced completely,

When I turn, she whispered, sweetly,
While I waited, watched and doubted:
North rotates with me! she shouted.
Now its here! she sighed, excited;

Now its here! she cried, delighted;
Now its here! she spoke, elated.
NO ITS NOT, I said, frustrated.
#1036 What is something random you would like to share

with us?
2016-09-08 17:45:05
/u/dcel8
/u/BashyLaw
I want to have a frank discussion about Nellys 2005 banger, Grillz. The song focuses
on oral jewelry, the eponymous Grillz, as a display of wealth, power, and mid-2000s
fashion. A grill describing a diamond- and gold-encrusted mouthpiece.
In the song, rapper Ali, a member of Nellys St. Lunatics, raps Ive got a bill in my
mouth like Im Hillary Rodham. This particular line has kept me up nights for the past
decade.
The initial conceit is obvious enough: a bill is a reference to money, and Ali wants the
listener to know that the grill in his mouth costs a lot of money. Since the largest bill in
circulation is $100, its unclear to me whether Alis grill only cost $100 or if he wants his
audience to take a further leap and assume that a bill references several bills. I cant
imagine $100 buys very many mouth diamonds.
The second half of the line proves particularly troubling. He invokes Hillary Rodham,
who, as of 2005, was a state senator for New York U.S. Senator for New York. Its possible
that our civic-minded emcee wanted to invoke the imagery of Mrs. Rodham on the floor
of the NY U.S. Senate, arguing for bills left and right. While she sponsored a couple
hundred bills during her tenure, only one Hillary-sponsored bill was signed into law as
of Grillz release (according to govtrack.us). So, while it matches the a bill language,
the line doesnt particularly invoke the large number of bills required to purchase a
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premium mouthpiece.
A wrinkle in this line is that Hillarys husband is William Bill Clinton. Thus, the line
bill in [his] mouth like [hes] Hillary Rodham could easily be interpreted to relate to
oral sex. This comparison is especially apt when you consider that Bill is infamous for
receiving oral sex from a White House intern during his tenure as President. And perhaps
this incident is even more infamous because the oral sex received came not from Hillary,
but from a third party. In fact even 10 years after the incident any references to Bill
Clinton, a mouth, and women inevitably lead listeners to his presidential scandal.
So, is Ali letting the rap community know that he enjoys giving oral sex? Or does his
metaphor fall apart because, at least in this context, Hillary had no Bills in her mouth?
Given the rampant homophobia of the mid-2000s rap community, Im inclined to believe
that Ali didnt mean to invoke any reference that might include him giving oral sex to a
man. But then, why even go near the Bill/Hillary situation?
Ive considered a third option regarding this half of the line, that Alis invocation of
Hillary Rodham and bills is a reference to her much-maligned Wall Street speeches.
Hillary has received criticism for making private speeches to Wall Street in exchange
for large speaking fees. The imagery of money for speeches lends itself well to having
bills in [your] mouth like . . . Hillary Rodham. When Hillary talks (you know, with
her mouth), the bills flow freely. In fact, Id argue that this interpretation provides the
strongest metaphor for sporting an expensive grill.
But its impossible for Ali to know this, as Hillarys speaking tour didnt really start in
earnest until she left the State Department, roughly 8 years after Grillz dropped.
So, Im left to draw one of three conclusions:
1) Alis use of metaphor on the 2005 track Grillz was poor, at best, and he had no
business rapping alongside Nelly, Paul Wall, and Jermaine Dupri.
2) Ali is a time-traveller, and uses his gift for low-key political commentary thats way
ahead of its time.
3) I have entirely too much time on my hands.
EDIT: I have updated the post to properly reflect Clintons position in the U.S. Senate.
An earlier version of this analysis named her as a state senator. My apologies to HRC,
consider the record corrected.
Further, in response to the idea that bill refers to a billion dollars. Come on. Theres
no way these guys were contemplating spending a billion dollars on grills. Thats prepos-
terous.
/u/StopTCPabuse
Im printing this out so I can read it to my future children so theyll know exactly what
2016 was about.
12
Ive wondered and wandered and pondered, I said:

Ive queried and questioned the thoughts in my head -
Ive studied and searched for the most of my youth -
Ive parsed and perused and prospected the truth!
Ive read and reflected and reasoned for years -

While aching and breaking and waking to tears!
Ive lived in a thunder of wonder and doubt -
I just need an answer! I just need an out!
So tell me, I whispered, and comfort the curse!

What meaning exists in the crux of the verse?
Explain to me, master! I prayed to him, primed.
He thought for a moment: . . . It just sort of rhymed.
#1035 What are some fake NSFW pro-tips that would

only be believed by inexperienced teenagers?
2016-09-06 19:50:03
/u/ajchann123
/u/Zer0 Karma
If you take a drug and it doesnt kick in right away, you should take more.
/u/Sigseg
I took a hit of LSD 15 minutes ago and dont feel anything yet. Should I take 3 more?
Yes. Good luck with that.
I actually see shit like this on /r/lsd all the time.
13
When Little Timmy took an E

To while away the night:
I barely felt a thing, said he,
And spoke, this cant be right.
He waited half a seconds span -

A moment more, or two -
And when, at last, the next began,
He wondered what to do.
Perhaps it takes a few before

It settles in, he sighed.
So Timmy swallowed sixty more.
#1034 Gynecologists of Reddit, what do you look for in

a woman?
2016-09-06 17:33:55
/u/bleachdrinkingpro
/u/mrhuggables
So since all other answers have been joke answers. . .

assuming this is a return patient:
We look for a lot of things. First is just how the patient is doing. Any new stressors, life
changes, hows their mood, happiness, etc. Why they came in principally lol.
Well ask about any new medical problemsheart lungs diabetes thyroid and cancers are
the major concerns. Any new surgeries? Any new medications theyre taking?
We ask about the character and quality of their periodshow long they last, pain associ-
ated, regularity, bleeding, etc. And if theyre postmenopausal if theyve had any bleeding
at all. Birth control is always a major topicwhat theyre taking now, if theyre happy
w/ it, etc.
We ask about last pap smears and mammos, STD concerns, smoking, drinking, even
caeine use (It can amplify estrogen sensitive processes such as pelvic pain, hot flashes,
fibroids, breast pain, lumps, etc.)
The actual physical exam (that i do) is usually heart lungs thyroid, breast exam, then a
pelvic examincluding speculum exam followed by a bimanual exam to check the adnexa.
Were looking for lumps, lesions, redness, pain discharge, anatomical abnormalities, etc.
During this time we can get paps, STD checks, etc. Possibly recto-vaginal exam if theyre
having complaints. Also Im a male so this is also where I call in the nurse chaperoneits
14
a litigious society we live in and all docs have to practice defensive medicine.
This is just for gyn patients obviously, not for ob patients or what goes in in the OR.
Ob/Gyn has a pretty broad spectrum from clinic to L&D to the OR which is why I love
it!
Edit: someone asked about what we do dierently in new patients. . . we just get a
more detailed historypregnancies, first period (menarche) and historical period problems,
family history, sexual history, previous pap smears, previous gyn procedures, etc.
edit 2: to those asking about how my sex life is aected by my workit isnt. two totally
dierent worlds. theres nothing sexual about a breast exam or pelvic exam. you (should)
get desensitized to it literally after the first one you do in medical school. and more
importantly you as a physicianor as a man, quite franklyshould hopefully understand
that women arent sexual objects and that theyre coming to you to seek your help and
medical expertise and are placing their trust in you to provide them w/ that.
edit 3: why did I go into ob/gyn? lots of reasons really. I like the varietyclinic, babies,
surgery. patients are generally happy healthy and motivated. problems are generally
easy to fix whether surgically or medically. most people want to have their baby and are
incredibly happy after delivery. clinic is active and involved. patients usually go home
satisfied. maternal-fetal health is a key indicator of a societys progress and I enjoy being
able to contribute to that progresswherever I am in the world. the women in my family
made me who i am today because they were healthy and i want to give that opportunity
to other families.
edit 4: to anyone thinking that they may be getting cut short by their own gyn visits,
keep in mind this whole process typically takes like 10-15 minutes at most. we get very
ecient and honestly by the 4th year of med school even your typical gyn clinic visit is
pretty routine. looking for all these problems and asking about them doesnt take long
but there is an art to eliciting the information we need in a concise manner lol.
edit 5: for those of you asking me to assist w/ medical problems, realize Id love to help
you, but I cannot give sound medical counsel over the internet w/o getting a solid history
and doing a physical exam. My default answer is to go see your actual doctor because
they have access to things that I do not over an internet message boardmost importantly
you, the patient. :)
/u/Daedalus871
I thought OP meant what do you look for as in someone youre dating.

Edit: I know that there is more than one way to take the question. Im still curious what
OC looks for in his partners.
/u/Assdolf Shitler
Isnt that how he answered?
/u/11110000q
Can a barrista ever enjoy a cup of coee for coees sake? Can a professional baseball
player ever watch a ballgame on his couch on a Sunday and not over analyze everything?
Can a gyno go down on his girl and not ponder the last time a pap smear check was
15
administered?
/u/baristabatista
Yes I can and do frequently enjoy a cup of coee just for the sake of it. Hope that helps
/u/kingeryck
But can you go down on a girl without worrying about when shes had a pap smear?
/u/poopellar
What is he? A gynobaristologist?
/u/AlleKluak
I thought this Coee tasted funny
Before we start our lovers tryst,

I ought to tell you, slow -
A gynobaristologist
Is someone neat to know!
I brew the sweetest stu, you see,

And while you take a cup:
Recline, relax, and count on me -
Im checking down and up!
So settle back; enjoy the most

Divine and fine cuisine -
Its time to pick the goods to roast,
And Ive in mind a bean.
#1033 What is your go to Tinder Alternative?

2016-09-06 04:29:33
/u/musaurer
16
/u/Sha of Depression
Crippling loneliness.
She waited, fair, with auburn hair,

And stared, alone, ahead -
A glass of wine to lips divine,
In shades of ruby red.
The music played; she softly swayed,

And danced before the beat -
And every shift and step and lift
Was soft and small and sweet.
Their hands embraced; a moment chaste,

But more than all hed known.
My love, he spoke - and then he woke,
Alone again.
Alone.
:D
#1032 Australians of reddit, what are the didgeridoos and

donts when visiting your country?
2016-09-06 02:55:08
/u/calvanus
/u/NanotechNinja
Dont come by boat
/u/ readthisthanks
sorry if im missing a joke, but could you explain why?
17
/u/18107
Refugees fleeing war come to Australia by boat. The refugees are either sent back (to
inevitable death), or held it oshore processing facilities with less than adequate living
conditions. People have died in these places due to lack of medical attention, and even
children are considering suicide as a way out. Physical and sexual abuse of refugees
(including children) is ongoing.
The government has responded by making a law that prevents anyone from speaking out
against the abuse. Anyone who tries saying that the living conditions are anything less
that ideal, will go to jail for up to 2 years.
Edit: It appears that some information here is incorrect. See sub comments for more
detail.
/u/benny whitehouse
So what will ya do when the pigs show up and ask you about this comment?
He rubbed his eyes and sadly sighed,

Then slowly shook his head -
This simply mustnt stand, he cried:
It cant go on, he said.
Theres something wrong, he stood to say,

And shook with rage and doubt -
When suicides the only way
To make yourself an out.
A lawman wandered close behind,

And stopped to watch and wait -
But then again, he changed his mind:
Perhaps its pretty great.
#1031 Australians of reddit, what are the didgeridoos and

donts when visiting your country?
2016-09-06 02:03:03
/u/calvanus
18
/u/xVoltage360
Dont say the didgeridoos and didgeridonts
Well I hope that you wont,

And you didgeridont,
But Im telling, compelling you true -
Theres a national creed,
And its largely agreed:
Youre a cunt if you didgerido.
#1030 Whats the weirdest dream youve ever had?

2016-09-04 19:13:18
/u/fefefirecrackers
/u/Splodgerydoo
A few years ago when I was in high school I had this dream where I was sitting in a field
just relaxing. A railway line is running through the field and I notice a strange object
sitting in the middle of the track. I go to investigate and its one of those ball-in-a-cup
toys. The second I pick it up, the string suddenly wraps around me and Im bound to
the rails like a cliche western movie. Sure, enough a train approaches. Its Percy, from
Thomas The Tank Engine. Hes charging towards me full speed and stops a couple feet
away from me. After I get a close look at him, his face looks like he just got this shit
beaten out of him. In a very disturbing, raspy voice he mutters Help me, I dont want
to end up like the others followed by a blood churning shriek. I audibly said What the
fuck? when I woke up. I was 17 years old and just had a nightmare about Thomas the
fucking Tank Engine. It was 4 AM and I didnt fall back asleep until 8 AM. Unfortunately
it was a school day and I got in deep shit.
TLDR: Percy from Thomas The Tank Engine scares the fuck out of me so bad I miss
school
/u/Wildfires
Someone wasnt a really useful engine.
/u/King under the hill
He barely escaped the fat controllers next feast.
19
He rolled on old and rusted rails,

The shade of woe and shame -
A withered wreck of broken nails
That dropped and fell in tarnished trails,
As though a track of haunted tales
Attended where he came.
His engine beat a pulse of pain;

A somber stir of sighs -
He pushed and pulled and sweat with strain,
And strove to roll ahead in vain,
Until, at last subdued, the train
Succumbed with fearful eyes.
It follows, boy, he slowly spoke,

And grieving, horror-struck -
The engine burst and bled and broke,
And through the shrieking, screaming smoke,
A man emerged - and then I woke,
And whispered, what the fuck?
#1029 What was the biggest fuck you given in history?

2016-09-03 17:50:57
/u/mongster 03
/u/TheJesseClark
When the Nazis invaded France, the Resistance cut the elevator cables to the Eiel Tower
so Hitler would have to take the stairs.
20
When Hitler emerged from the door at the base,

He stumbled with bruises and dirt on his face.
What happened, mine Fhrer? said Goebbels, aghast:
What terribly awful occurrence has passed?
The leader retreated with doubt in his eyes -

He quivered and shivered and looked to the skies.
Its ghastly, he whispered: A vision of Hell.
I tried to ascend to the top, but Eiel.
#1028 What is the worst advice you can give that rhymes?
2016-09-02 21:19:43
/u/capthowdy0000
21
The worst advice I often hear

Persists inside my mind -
Its oft-repeated, year on year,
And vaguely ill-defined:
Tomorrows just another day,

And nothings set, it seems -
The futures bright, and people say:
Go forth, and live your dreams.
. . . and thats okay - of course you ought

To chase ambition true -
But always temper dreams with thought,
And careful planning too.
Perhaps your passions fashion, bro;

Perhaps your hearts in art;
But take a con for every pro,
And know, before you start:
No matter what the aim or end -

No matter what you do -
You need to try your best, my friend,
To make it work for you.
:)
#1027 What is just not cool anymore?

2016-09-02 18:45:07
/u/ferry888
/u/EtherBoo
Rollerblading. Used to be one of my favorite things to do. I started talking about it at

work and I got the You know the worst thing about rollerblading?. . . Having to tell
your parents youre gay.
Had no idea it was not only uncool, but looked down on now :-(.
No fucks given, one day Im going to use them instead of doing my normal run.
EDIT:
I see this may be throwing people o and Im getting a ton of replies telling me to just
22
go and Rollerblade. I still do, I just havent in a while because it hasnt been part of my
training regimen. Once I can drop some of my running down I plan to Rollerblade again.
Also, by used to be one of my favorite things I mean 15 years ago when my friends and I
had no money and would spend our Friday/Saturday nights skating at the beach. Wed
go out for a couple of hours, get a pizza slice or two, look at hot girls going into clubs.
Were grown up now, the beach kind of sucks at night now (the night life that used to be
focused there has dispersed), and we would rather spend Saturday night indoors playing
board games since ALL our friends can participate.
/u/Whirlybear
Being gay is accepted now so strap on your fruit boots and start rolling.
/u/Phillyfreak5
Fruit boots. Thanks for the chuckle
I have hurried and raced,

And I cheerfully chased,
Till they told me my rollers were gay -
So I silently sighed,
And I showed them with pride,
That my fruit boots are leading the way,
Yes they are,
That my fruit boots are leading the way!
#1026 What do you wish was socially acceptable?

2016-09-01 14:38:25
/u/mushroom-flower
[removed]
/u/(deleted user)
[removed]
/u/(deleted user)
[removed]
23
/u/TooBadFucker
Sardines: the game that every single church kid knows.

You havent played Sardines until youve played in a church.
/u/Mr Zaroc
How is Sardines exactly played?

EDIT: Alright guys now this is getting depressing. . .
/u/r kay
If this is the game Im thinking of it starts o like hide & seek, but only 1 person hides
and everyone else is it.
When you find the hidden person, instead of them being out, you hide with them!
Therefore, at the end of the game theres one clueless person looking for everyone packed
in a closet. . . like Sardines!
/u/highlydoubtthat
And now half of Reddit will show up to church this weekend waiting for a game of sardines
to break out after the benediction.
When Little Timmy went to pray,

With other wayward teens -
They proudly taught him how to play
A game they called Sardines.
You have to hide, explained his friend,

And told him what to do -
And then well look, and in the end,
Well all be finding you!
So Timmy chose a dusty room,

And gaily went to hide -
But Timmys buddies sealed the tomb.
24
2016-09-01 14:03:39
/u/mushroom-flower
[removed]
/u/(deleted user)
[removed]
You see what Im saying? I said with a sigh -

Ive already done it! Its time for goodbye!
Those plans and proposals? Those numbers to crunch?
I finished them all before stopping for lunch!
You see, I explained, with the flash of a smile:

Im all up to date, and Im done for a while!
Its pointless to stay here for nothing, my friend -
Why linger for longer? Why wait till the end?
Its openly better, you have to admit:

I wont have to sit here pretending and shit!
Ill see you tomorrow, so what do you say?
They tripled my workload and sent me away.
#1024 What are some crazy/NSFW things that definitely

happened in the Harry Potter universe, but J.K couldnt
write because they were kids books?
2016-08-27 20:37:19
/u/SpicyMayoJaySimpson
/u/TROUSER CHOWDER
Polyjuice parties where everyone mixes a personal batch of polyjuice and passes them
around till you dont know whose you have. Everyone goes and hides, come back then
you fuck each other all night long until the potion wears o and everyone gets to laugh
at who fucked Crabbe.
25
Edit: wow I actually had like 150 karma from a year of redditing on this account. LOOK
AT ME NOW BITCHES.
I think its time were moving on,

He whispered, racked with doubt -
Im really not alright, said Ron,
Im really freaking out.
I guess I thought Id be okay,

But Percys on the floor -
And Harrys had his wicked way
With Albus Dumbledore!
He hung his head and sadly sighed:

Ive witnessed Hagrids cock.
And thats Professor Snape, he cried -
Hes wearing Dobbys sock!
Perhaps we ought to leave, he said,

This isnt right for me.
Relax my love, and come to bed,
Said Crabbe/Hermione.
#1023 If company slogans were 100% honest, what would

they be?
2016-08-27 19:30:16
/u/Priamosish
/u/JoelQuest
Reddit: A place for ideas and opinions. . . except yours.
26
Approach the place - the splendid space,

Where dankest memes are born!
Where votes are cast, and judgement passed,
On pics of cats and porn!
Where facts are few, and rumours true,

In spite of all they lack -
Where every twist, or thread youve missed,
Is soon to circle back!
Where picks are picked, and clicks are clicked,

By dawn, by noon, by night -
From coast to coast, and thread to post,
To find the next delight!
So if youre tense and seek oence,

Or swift of whim and wit -
Then never fear; youre welcome here!
Except for you. Youre shit.
#1022 What illegal thing have you done for the right
reasons?
2016-08-27 12:42:40
/u/FlyingFuck787
/u/nowhereman136
I use to work at a cvs. After Halloween, all their candy goes on sale, up to 80% o. After
3 weeks though, no one candy candy corn flavored chocolate or bat shaped gummies. So
they told me to throw it all away. This was about 2 shopping carts worth of candy. None
of it was expired or damaged, just out of season. Instead of taking it to the dumpster, I
placed it all in the back of my car. The next morning it all went to the local food drive
center. (In all honesty I did keep 2 bags for myself). The food center sent me a thank
you letter saying I donated over 50 lb of candy.
About 2 months later I am called into the head oce. They have it all on video me
putting the candy in my car. They told me I owed them $500 in damages or they would
press charges. I got a lawyer and argued that dumpster diving isnt illegal in my area,
which since I was told to throw it away this is what I did. In the end I was just fired and
banned from the store, charges dropped.
Edit: for people asking, lawyer was a friend of a friend. He basically gave me some free
27
advice and I threw his name around in one of the meetings. It ultimately didnt cost me
anything except my job. Shitty job anyway, didnt like working there. It was and second
job and I found something new with similar hours and pay almost right away.
But who is it harming? I struggled to say:

Youre not losing money - you threw it away!
Besides, I explained, with a shake of my head:
It might even work in your favour, I said.
Benevolent actions are better for shares -

Cause people respond to a business that cares!
Its perfectly simple; you must understand -
For minimal eort you strengthen the brand!
So leave them your leavings, I argued with haste -

Your goods out-of-season intended for waste!
Its openly, endlessly better, you know?
They stared at me, silent.
Were letting you go.
#1021 What was actually cool in the 90s, that is still cool
today?
2016-08-26 15:13:55
/u/yfridi
[removed]
/u/(deleted user)
Pokemon.
28
They gathered round the tousled ground,

And bid their slow goodbyes -
A whisper, soft; a mumbled sound
Of muted sobs and cries.
I know its over, Brock began,

And sadly shook his head:
But twenty years was awesome, man -
He just got old, he said.
And so he slowly turned to go,

And left, defeated, through.
The other placed his cap below,
And whispered, Pikachu.
#1020 What costs more than its worth?

2016-08-25 16:35:13
/u/headphones J
/u/therelentlesspace
Stadium food and beer
/u/pidgeotto big balls
I get so angry about this. If we would all decide as a society to not pay these bullshit
prices, surely they would lower eventually. But NOO, everyone just HAS to have their
beer, even if theyre paying a fucking 500% mark up. I say no more! Stand up for yourself
and refuse to be gouged!
/u/PanamaCharlie
i think its a way to deter people from getting shitfaced at sporting events but still
appeasing the crowd. Imagine the amount of more incidents and fights if even more
people were wasted.
/u/tbones55
then why is a water bottle $5?
29
/u/willmaster123
so people dont get too hydrated and uppity
So let me get this straight, he said,

And slowly raised his hand -
He closed his eyes and shook his head:
I think I understand.
I think you mean to turn a tap,

Or source some H20 -
Then wrap it up in plastic crap,
And brand it Aqua-Flo ?
You mean to take whats almost free,

And charge increasing fees -
On grounds of portability,
Convenience and ease ?
I think you mean to take the stu

That clouds by nature pour -
And then for each demand enough
To fund a thousand more?
The chairman paused to think a while -

He flashed a sleazy grin.
He settled back, and with a smile,
He softly said: Were in.
#1019 Put American before any movie title. Whats

the movie about now?
2016-08-25 01:04:19
/u/Meatwise
/u/Mupyeah
American Team America
/u/zenova360
I can almost smell the Freedom from that and Im across the Atlantic.
30
With red-necks and burgers and banners on strings;

Surrounded by eagles with star-spangled wings;
They gathered their rifles and marched to DC -
And fuck yeah they cried, for the land of the free.
#1018 What kind of Reddit commenter are you?

2016-08-24 18:42:00
/u/ manager
/u/mithoogithoo
The European commenter thats always hours late to every interesting thread
Perhaps, said he, Ill wake to see

An early-rising thread -
The perfect post to share the most
Amazing tale! he said.
Perhaps, he cried, and dreamed with pride

Of prizes, praise and fame:
Todays the day Ill find a way
To stake my reddit claim!
Perhaps, he beamed, and dreamed, esteemed,

Of freely-fawning folk -
My nimble wit will snugly fit
Amongst the best, he spoke.
And so he wrote the perfect note

To hike his karma-haul -
He chanced his fate. . . and posted late.
And no one saw.
At all.
31
#1017 What popular songs lyrics are creepy as fuck but
disregarded due to the melody voice?
2016-08-24 17:06:34
/u/likealcohol
/u/DadNotTonightPlease
Lol the macarena.

That kids, party song families love and sing and dance to? About a girl who cheats on
her boyfriend whilst hes o on duty. . .
Macarena has a boyfriened whos called. . .
whos called the last name Vitorino,
and while he was taking his oath as a conscript
she was giving it to two friends . . . Aaay!
/u/Jestar342
We all know the lyrics really are:

(El
kalla quena honor Macarena
Com delki hala mucho Macarena
Dom sully mussa killa killa dos arena)
#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
MACARENA!!!! ALRIGHT!
/u/toomanymidichlorians
Yeah those are the words I remember
/u/flandre-kun
The way I remember it was:

Hjkhgykllgjkbgkhfk Macarena
Hjkhfklkgklkjjjkukk Macarena
Hjlhguhxhkknklhik Macarena
Hayyy Macarena
32
Deep figgle wiggle giggle jiggle macarena -

Hob wobba dobble gobble cobble macarena -
Fug dugga rugga mugga lugga macarena -
Heeeey, macarena, ai!
#1016 What is the most NSFW thing that happened at

your work?
2016-08-22 23:21:18
/u/PM Me Nuudez
/u/VVillyD
On a multi-story construction site, typically there will be an elevator operator. On my first

jobsite ever, the elevator operator was a very short, very friendly hispanic woman. She
would make small talk with everyone and lightly flirt occasionally. A coworker thought
the light flirting was a bit more and, when he was the only other one in the elevator,
whipped is erect dick out. She promptly reported him and he was summarily fired.
Edit: obligatory rip inbox
I get it, dicks out for Harambe
Aerosmith wrote a relevant song
Wrong on so many levels
Something something going down
I remember her most in the darkness of night,

For I always return to the girl on the site.
She was teasing, it seemed, but I hungered for more,
So I showed her the D. . . and they showed me the door.
#1015 What sexual thing have you done that your friends
and family would never believe of you?
2016-08-18 09:58:31
/u/tymeupplease302
33
/u/Mint Killer
I am a woman. When I was a teenager I was good friends with the preachers daughter
at the church my family attended. We were tasked with cleaning the church on Saturdays,
vaccuuming and polishing the pews and whatnot. We got paid $15 each.
We used this time to take shots of liquor from the communion glasses and then have
lesbian sex on the alter.
I have always been religious,

And Im from religious roots -
I enlisted in prestigious
Sacerdotal institutes.
But I still recall the morning

When it all appeared to pass -
When the summer sun was dawning
On the chapel after mass.
I had fastened shut the psalter,

And I left the faith behind -
For it faltered on the alter,
When she blew my fucking mind.
#1014 If nudism were made mandatory, what would be

the best or worst changes to daily life?
2016-08-17 21:12:53
/u/Haydenhumper
/u/dick-nipples
The hardest part for me would be not staring at womens breasts. Well, the second
hardest part anyway.
She frowned and she sighed with a shake of her head:

Its simply disgusting, disgraceful! she said.
The way that you look, and the way that you stare!
He pointed and giggled and blushed at her pair.
34
#1013 What is the dumbest 100% serious thing someone
has said to you?
2016-08-17 18:20:53
/u/leafybd
[removed]
/u/goddamncripple
I was sitting in my wheelchair, watching my fianc get some shit out of his car from within
the double front doors at my unis cafeteria, and some gomer came up to me and asked
in one of those high pitched voices you use for puppies or kindergarteners Do you need
let out???
Jesus christ Im a cripple not a chihuahua
/u/geak78
My cousin works with deaf students and they are often given braille menus before my
cousin politely tells the waiter that their eyes work fine and they dont know how to read
braille.
/u/goddamncripple
Before I started using a wheelchair I had a service dog to help me walk. She was a yellow
lab and wore a BLD harness, so a lot of people assumed that she was a guide dog and i
was blind. One day I was reading a can of soup at a grocery store and someone came up
and waved their hand in front of my face to see if i was blind.
People are dumb.
/u/geak78
Id have snarled and pretended to bite his hand.
/u/goddamncripple
That probably would have been the best course of action. I ended up just staring at him
like wtf?? He walked away awkwardly.
35
Whilst shopping, fair and fancy-free,

Selecting courses canned -
He waved his arm in front of me.
I bit his fucking hand.
#1012 What is the dumbest 100% serious thing someone

has said to you?
2016-08-17 17:21:15
/u/leafybd
[removed]
/u/afambelafonte
I was working as a waiter at a restaurant with a patio, and one day a woman grabs my
arm and says oh my god, WHATS THAT? and points to the half-moon in the sky.
I say uhh the moon?
She says WHY THE HELL IS IT OUT DURING THE DAY?
I said What?
She said it again. I had to try to explain to her that sometimes depending on the phase
of the moon we can see the moon in the daytime. She said where she lived in Washington
DC the moon definitely never came out during the day. I said well hey youve heard of
a solar eclipse, right? When the moon covers the sun? She says, and Im not kidding
you, I thought those only happened at night.
I asked her what she did for a living in DC to change the subject. This woman was in her
40s, was wearing a smart pantsuit, drank white wine, and said she was a schoolteacher.
/u/Red Chameleon
How much of that white wine had she had at that point?
36
Her grasping hand embarked for mine,

And gently clutched, dismayed -
She slowly, softly, spilled her wine,
And stared above, afraid.
The moon, she said. The moon, she sighed.

The moon, she whispered, fraught.
The moon, the moon, the MOON! she cried,
And pointed up, distraught.
At last, her panic seemed to pass -

Her terror faded, through.
I freed my arm, and grabbed her glass,
And said: No more for you.
#1011 Couples of Reddit what are fun things you should

do with your SO at least once?
2016-08-16 23:59:57
/u/Zydrarc
/u/Jilltro
Go on a road trip. Road trips are so much fun with the right person, and I think its also
an important relationship milestone. How do you cope when you miss the exit, or you
feel sick because he insisted on stopping somewhere that had all you can eat chicken and
waes.
Edit: unfortunately I do not remember what the place was called or where in pa it was.
I even texted the ex I went on the trip with to ask if he remembered and he said hell
no, but I remember scrapple.
/u/notahipster-
Time out, where are there all you can eat chicken and waes?
37
I have dreamt of a space

In a faraway place,
Under light from the silvery stars -
Where the wind in the trees
Is a strawberry breeze,
And it blows from the moon and from Mars,
Yes it does,
And it blows from the moon and from Mars.
I have seen the abode

At the end of the road,
Where you travel by car or by ship -
And you fly or you float
On a glider or boat,
On a magic, miraculous trip,
Yes you do,
On a magic, miraculous trip!
I have dreamt of its scent

And Ive settled, content,
For a dream of a dream from before -
For an all you can eat
Full of waes and meat
Is a fantasy, friend, nothing more,
Yes it is,
Its a fantasy, friend, nothing more.
#1010 What is something youre really skilled at but cant

put on your resume?
2016-08-16 17:55:37
/u/-kate-
/u/YOURE A RUNT BOY
I once had to kill 50+ heads of cattle in a weekend (dairy farm shutting down, needed
them destroyed for insurance reasons or something)
The bolt machine broke down at around cow #20
The remaining 30 had to be put down the old fashioned way: a 30/30 rifle, a hammer,
and a helluva lot of determination.
By the last few cows my shirt was soaked in blood (the dark stu, not the light red), and
38
I could barely lift my hammer to finish them o. Managed to get through to the last cow
and dispose of it.
In the end we got paid a decent amount and we went home with our muscles aching and
the satisfaction that only comes from a day of good honest work.
Anyway, when I applied to become a bank teller I left it out
And there they were - the fallen dead;

The cursed, the worst, and more -
My shirt was soaked in crimson red;
My arms were flecked with gore.
They finished fast, and swiftly passed;

They drowned in pools of blood -
Theyd breathed and moved and mooed their last;
Theyd chewed their final cud.
I still recall their cries, he said,

Their silent faces, struck.
The interviewer shook his head,
And whispered: what the fuck?
#1009 What profession was once highly respected, but is

now a complete joke?
2016-08-16 16:20:41
/u/lizabrown1
[removed]
/u/fatheroftardigrades
Fortune tellers and astrologers used to be held in high regard, these days theyre a joke
to many, but unfortunately not to all.
/u/Rooonaldooo99
Man, you would think they saw that coming and switched professions.
\ () /
edit: I fixed the shrug, you savages.
39
/u/IinventedGoogle
Maybe the good ones did.
/u/rafo123
Maybe thats why its a joke profession now. . . Whoaaa
By the sight of the stars,

And the light of the moon -
By the motion of Mars,
And of Saturn, and soon,
By the shape of the skies,
And their meaning for men -
I determine, he sighs. . .
. . . That Im jobless again.
#1008 People who smear poop all over public bathrooms,

why do you do it?
2016-08-09 21:05:08
/u/namkrav
/u/MrPairOfBongos
I used to teach in a classroom with the bathrooms in the room. Kid comes booking out
one day straight to my desk. Uh, theres stu on the walls. Like, bad stu. I cant say
it. You have to look. So I look, and yep, definitely poop. I know who was in there before
him, so I call home.
Mom wont believe it. My son would never. . . must have been someone else. . . why do
you think it was him?
And then, the best moment of a phone call with an annoying parent Ive ever had.
Maam, he signed his name with it. Decent cursive, too.
Edit: Guys, I swear, I got the right kid. The student who reported it wasnt in there
more than a second before he blasted back out, and the shit-smearer admitted it later.
40
Dear teacher, it said,

With an elegant script:
My patience is dead,
And serenity, stripped.
Your lessons are boring.
Your schoolings inane.
Your students are snoring,
And starting to wane.
Ive had it with Science.

Im finished with Math.
I write in defiance,
Immune to your wrath!
He swore it, avowed,
And he signed with a loop.
I might have been proud,
But he penned it in poop.
#1007 Reddit, Who deserves the Damn, they really were

right award?
2016-08-09 01:09:18
/u/Peadymarvin
/u/naked as a jaybird
My waiter at the Mexican restaurant.

When he says plate hot, he means plate hot.
41
He came on a fever of blistering steam -

A burning and flaming inferno, agleam.
He stepped through the smoke and the heat and the haze.
His fingers were fuming.
His hand was ablaze.
Be careful, he whispered, resigned to his fate,

While ripples of magma emerged from the plate.
Its hot, he explained, as he melted and peeled.
I pompously took it.
The wounds never healed.
#1006 What question would you retire from AskRed-

dit?
2016-08-09 00:35:02
/u/capthowdy0000
/u/juiceboxheero
Whats your controversial opinion?
42
Trans is just a fad, he stated:

Equal rights are antiquated.
Womens libs a truth distortion!
Vote for after-birth abortion!
Men are clearly more inventive;

Women, false and inattentive.
Feminisms vile and vexing!
Statutory rapes perplexing!
Marriage matters! Kids are fitter

Plied with lies than faced with bitter,
Sorry splits in matrimony -
Always barter fact for phony!
Boy, Ive had enough of senseless,

Vain and vapid, daft, defenseless,
Foolish reels of never-ending,
Gay agenda, gender-bending,
Muslim, poly, queer-protecting,
Gun-controlling, fat-respecting,
haughty, social-justice rancour!
. . . Also, Im a massive wanker.
#1005 What never fails to turn you on?

2016-08-07 20:49:05
/u/LuckStrizzle
/u/thick curtains
Olympic womens beach volleyball
/u/TheHornyToothbrush
My highschool volleyball team.
/u/Defenceman
Is that why youre not allowed to coach anymore?
43
I still recall the hopes, the fears,

The pride, the joy, the fame;
The sport, the skill, the swells of cheers,
The wastes, the wins, the game.
I still recall the blocks, the balls,

The digs, the serves, the sets;
The blood, the sweat, the jumps, the falls,
The overhands, the nets.
I still recall the peeping, proud,

Behind their bathroom door. . .
And that is why Im not allowed
To coach them anymore.
#1004 Youre the Inconvenient Terrorist. You dont want

to hurt, harm or kill anyone. What Act of Mass Frustration
do you commit to inconvenience an entire city?
2016-08-05 16:17:56
/u/curious iguana
/u/matthewfromsky
put PULL stickers on push doors and PUSH stickers on Pull doors
let the inconvenience begin
edit: RIP my inbox
/u/spinynorman1846
Theres a bar in Southampton where the toilet door says Push when its really a pull
door. Its right by the bar, so the bar sta laugh when you walk into the door. Coming
out theres a pull sign, so, thinking youre being smart, you know you have to push the
door. Unfortunately the sign and handle are both on the hinge side of the door so you
still walk into the door. The worst thing is that because youre drinking you just dont
learn throughout the night, and repeat the same mistake every time.
44
/u/fatcat2040
There is a bar in Boulder, CO where the bathroom doors say men and women, with
an arrow pointing to the opposite door. Very confusing after a few pints.
The bar is The Dark Horse.
/u/taxi-via-whiskey
I was about to comment this! I fucking love the Dark Horse

Ninja edit: the urinal is trough style and once I was in there using it with like 2 other
guys and this girl walked in who had obviously never seen a trough before. Her face was
priceless.
/u/PM Me Something-Cool
my penis is too small for me to comfortably use a trough urinal :(
/u/taxi-via-whiskey
Thats okay, no one will notice.
He stood in the doorway, and stared in dismay -

Oh golly, he sighed, in his worrisome way.
Theyll look and theyll see that its shriveled and small!
But nobody noticed his penis. At all.
#1003 What would you do if you found 10,000 kilos of

cocaine?
2016-08-05 14:38:01
/u/NaturalGasGuy
/u/KungFooKangaroo
Cocaine
45
When Little Timmy walked to school,

He stopped and shook his head:
Perhaps, he thought, it might be cool
To skip today instead.
He slowly sighed and turned away,

Then stepped towards the park -
For that was where he planned to stay,
And play till after dark.
But Timmys dreams were quick to fade;

He turned around, in vain -
And found a thousand cartons, weighed,
And filled with pure cocaine.
He stopped and stared. He cleared his throat.

He faced his find, and sighed.
He sliced a bag and rolled a note.
#1002 You get to add (1) zero to any number in your life?
Where would it be and why?
2016-08-03 02:41:09
/u/leetsaucee
/u/to downvote crap
The number of consecutive hours I can be awake before needing to sleep.

Only having to snooze one night out of seven? Perfect for grad school.
EDIT: You guys are awesome. Thanks for the gold!!
/u/SenderMage
This is a great one! None of the existential issues like those who added a zero to the
year of their death, and no need to worry about being fired like those who increased their
hourly wage from $18 to $180. Just lots of peaceful hours to use for studying, work, fun,
or whatever else you want.
46
/u/bonobosonson
Tbh Id probably just use it to wank more.
/u/SF1034
Theres where Id add my zero: the number of times I can comfortably wank in a day.
Edit: why are all my top voted comments about cum?
/u/Xeotroid
I feel like I should decrease that number, actually.
I dont want a fountain or fortune of wealth -

A ration of further endurance or health -
Enlarged and excessive, superfluous pay -
I just want to wank in my bedroom all day.
#1001 What cant you believe still exists in 2016?

2016-08-02 17:53:18
/u/tall funny tattooed
/u/Mikeydoes
Two party system.

Everyone would rather complain about how crappy the candidates are yet we are relying
on two parties to give us candidates with their own agendas.
/u/Digital Rocket
Its because of the first past the post voting system
/u/psyon
Thats only an issue because people are more concerned with making sure the worst
person doesnt win, rather than trying to make their choice win.
47
When choosing the better of fecal remains,

Select for the slighter of stench and of stains.
Elect for the lesser-detestable fit. . .
But never forget that youre still picking shit.
#1000 What activity will keep you entertained for at least

3 hours?
2016-07-31 23:52:32
/u/PineappleInTheMist
If when, fatigued, or bored and bleak,

You seek a finer end -
Recline, relax, and take a peek
Inside a book, my friend.
Sojourn a spell on Middle Earth;

A trip beyond the stars -
A hitch, a hike, with all your worth,
Across the Moon and Mars.
Support or seize an iron throne

With dragon bone and smoke -
Or face the darkness, all alone,
With just your wand and cloak.
Patrol a path along the beams

To test and try the fates -
A world of rich and splendid dreams
Beyond the wardrobe waits.
So take a step on stranger sands,

And read and dream an age -
And lose yourself to paper lands,
And live amidst the page.
48
#999 What are the best/funniest porn bloopers? (NSFW)
2016-07-31 19:11:40
/u/ElQuackers
[removed]
/u/142978
Theres this one clip with lily Thai where the guy puts his dick in her and she makes this
face and shes like oh god baseball baseball baseball trying not to come but she comes
instantly and the cameraman is just like we need a bucket. Is there a towel in this room?
Oh my god. Meanwhile the male porn star is just sitting there looking dumbfounded like
what the fuck my dick is magic
Edit found the link http://efukt.com/20760 Even Women Premature Ejaculate.html
Last I heard shes a bartender in Austin tx
A lot of men are well-endowed,

With something large to see;
And many men are penis-proud -
But few as proud as me.
A lot of men arouse a whine,

Or lusty shriek and sigh;
And many men are fair and fine -
But few as fine as I.
A lot of men can do it quick -

But few control the sluice.
For I am Captain Magic Dick,
And Lord of Lady Juice.
#998 What WOULDNT you do for a billion dollars?

2016-07-30 16:15:54
/u/armoredwolf26
/u/MrDolphin1313
Cut o my dick.
49
/u/pryjar
Dude, for a billion dollars, you could get a transplant and then live the rest of your life
happy, banging sexy chicks, eating gourmet shit, never cleaning, never working, travelling,
sailing etc.
/u/MrDolphin1313
Didnt even think of that. Fuck yeah Ill cut that pathetic worm right o.
An Ode to the Worm
Where the butterflys fly,

And the old willows weep -
Where the suns in the sky,
And you dream in your sleep
Of the faces we knew,
And the things that weve seen,
And the things that we do,
And the places weve been -
Where a songs on the breeze,

And the Nightingale cries -
Where the winds in the trees,
And the moons on the rise
In a sky full of stars
That we spied up above,
And you pointed to Mars,
And we lay there in love -
I will wait for you there

At the end of the end,
And again we shall share
In the pleasures, my friend,
As forever we should,
So lets do it, and quick -
Cause the moneys so good,
That Im losing my dick.
50
#997 What WOULDNT you do for a billion dollars?
2016-07-30 15:45:06
/u/armoredwolf26
/u/absurded
Kill myself.
Edit (after so many votes): I cant see how killing myself would help the people I love.
Theyd be sick, disgusted and appalled I thought so little of them that theyd prefer
money to my love, friendship and support.
/u/obi21
Hmm, if it meant that you could give the money to your family/loved ones Im sure a lot
of people would do it.
When Little Timmy, unemployed,

Espied a means to earn -
They oered riches, overjoyed,
For just a small return.
He pondered, mulled, and planned it out.

He dwelled, and where he went -
He cleared his mind of groundless doubt,
And made his choice, content.
And so, so long, he softly wrote -

And when the lad was done,
He shared a smile, and signed his note:
Your loyal, loving son.
And now, they said, its time to start -

The moments come! they cried.
So Little Timmy played his part.
51
#996 Whats something men do to impress women that
actually impresses women?
2016-07-28 20:40:38
/u/I PISS FIRE
/u/throwawaycoolaid
long range 360 no scope cumshots
/u/ vargas
I tried the long range cumshot (no 360 though; my chronic swimmers ear means I dont
have the proper balance to execute such a move) with my girlfriend one time. Let me tell
you, it as not as easy as they make it look in the movies. My attempt may have started
with a bang, but it ended with a whimper.
We had been making love in my grandmothers small bunghole, as was custom. After
a blistering one hundred and twenty five seconds of humping - in which I managed to
include everything from missionary to Brazilian jujitsu to Mongolian throat singing - I
signaled to my girlfriend that I was ready to make flowers. But rather than reaching for
an old sock or Mason jar like she normally does, she instead told me to shoot it in her
mouth hole. Now, I could have of course done it at close range. But Im someone who
likes a challenge. Its why I only use one-ply. So I took up position at the far end of my
grandmothers couch, took aim, and fired away.
That first volley didnt appear to have enough mustard on it to reach my girlfriends
embouchement. While my horizontal orientation was spot on, my angle of azimuth seemed
too low. I was guessing it would be chin shot at best. I hadnt taken the time to consider
factors such as the drag coecient of semen, wind sheer, or the curvature of the earth
itself, so I guess that was to be expected.
Against all odds, however, it stayed true. I didnt have scientific instrumentation in place
at the time, but I hypothesized that my load stayed true thanks to upward thermals
emanating from my girlfriends vagina, just like during the hang glider part of Pilotwings
for Super Nintendo. As a result, my semen ended up gliding smoothly and without
incident through her gaping maw until finally splashing against her epiglotis. A hole in
one. If this had happened down at the local country club, drinks in the clubhouse would
have been on my tab that night.
I wasnt so fortunate with the next shot, however. I tried to carefully aim it but my
donger violently recoiled from the previous blast, which made an accurate shot nearly
imposible as they say in Old Mexico (it means impossible in American). Not only did
it fail to reach her mouth, it completely missed her person altogether. Kind of like when
Randy Johnson sailed one over the head of John Kruk in the 1993 All-Star game. It ended
up landing on one of my Nanas hummus figurines. Luckily, they were dishwasher-safe,
but that load itself was lost.
Round number three was even worse. Not only was I dealing with the aforementioned
donger recoil, but my body betrayed me even further by choosing that moment to pass
52
gas, and vigorously. It gave that load additional velocity, yes, but greatly reduced its
accuracy, as well. The love-loogie went wide of the target by at least five yards and flew
directly into the blades of my oscillating fan, which then flung my boys to very corner of
the living room. Oddly enough, this was what finally compelled my Nana to get an air
conditioner, so something good came (heh) out of it.
My final few spasms produced but a dribble, the jizm barely making the two and half inch
journey down my arethra, out my dingle, and into the world. It instead landed on my
moccasins. Before I lost consciousness, I heard a whimper issue forth from my girlfriend.
Later on, I would find out it was a result of her realizing semen is not vegan-friendly,
which meant she would be losing some of her superpowers for a time. That would be just
about the last time my jizz would ever pass her lips, the one exception being when I woke
her up with a blow job for our seven month anniversary. She did not like that. I guess
some people are just really sensitive about that kind of thing.
Always savour, take and treasure

Semen aeronautic pleasure,
But whenever such arises
Plan ahead, avoid surprises -
Lads and ladies, sultry starlets,
Saucy, scarlet vamps and harlots,
Happy, clappy, would-be-flinger -
Learn from Vargas: Semen-Slinger.
#995 What inanimate object would you NOT want to

become sentient?
2016-07-28 18:30:16
/u/Couch Licker
/u/fuckswithducks
My rubber ducky collection. I dont think Id want to have sex with them any more if
they were actually alive.
/u/jbush90
I dont even need to check the username anymore.
53
When Little Timmy went to town,

To blow a thousand bucks -
He filled his cottage, up and down,
With countless rubber ducks!
They sat on shelves on every wall -

On every surface seen -
On every chair and bed, and all
And more besides between!
And when the day succumbed to night,

With passion, fancy free -
The freaky fellow found delight
In reproducktive glee.
But Timmys dearests sprung to life -

You fowlaphile! they cried.
They boxed him in with beak and knife. . .
#994 What simple things can you do to save money?

2016-07-27 18:14:30
/u/iruul
54
If money is fleeting, and speedily spent -

Depleting completely by dollar and cent -
Diminishing, draining, and quick to depart -
Consider a few little changes to start:
Its simple advice, but its prudent, no doubt -

Prepare your own food and avoid eating out.
That sandwich and cookie and coee with foam -
Its endlessly cheaper to make it at home!
Reduce, if youre smoking, or bid them goodbye!

Go make yourself handy and learn DIY!
Whenever youre shopping, whatever you do -
Just ask: do I need this? and answer it true.
Consider a budget, or system to save -

Its easy to yield to the stu that you crave.
Account for your cash, and the life that you lead -
Make lists when youre shopping and get what you need!
Remember: its not about crafting a ploy

To drop or deny all the things you enjoy -
To linger, surviving on ramen and beans -
Its just about living inside of your means.
#993 If getting an erection made a sound, what sound

would you choose?
2016-07-27 01:33:53
/u/Jakegently
/u/BrodorNSexGodPod3way
The sound when you flick a spring door stopper.

wongwongwong
THWOONGWONGWONGWoONgWoNgWongwong
Edit: first gold! Never would have guessed my life calling is describing imaginary boner
sounds. Mama, if you could see me now. . .
/u/uNecrotic
Upvote for visual sound being so accurate
55
/u/Track-tor
Onomatopoeia on point
/u/jamers19
Spelling on point
It wibbled and fwibbled and wobbled and wonged -

It bubbered and wubbered and boingered and bonged -
It wubbed and it fwubbed and it fwabbered and then -
She laughed with delight, and she flicked it again.
#992 What is the best innuendo for masturbation youve

ever heard?
2016-07-25 22:03:55
/u/bolegda69
/u/SkeetAllOverTheWalls
Making a map of Hawaii.

Edit: Holy Moly, that blew up. Thanks to /u/systemwhistle for popping my gold cherry!
Also thanks to /u/Poem for your sprog for some of his/her finest work. The best part is
that my highest rated comment is now about jerking o. Im on top of the world, Ma!
56
A dickie; a dingus; a donger; a dork -

A Peter; a Percy; a piston or pork -
A snake and a schlong and a schnitzel and sub -
A wang, or a wong, or a wiener to rub -
A heat-seeking hammer; a hose with a head -

A fleshy wee fella, depravity-fed -
A penis; a pecker; a private; a prick -
The deepest of divers; a dagger; a dick -
A bedtime banana; a trouser surprise -

An underwear serpent with bollocks for eyes -
However you whack it, attack it, or wank -
Hawaii awaits in the splooge of your spank!
:)
#991 What job would be most destructive to society if

you did it in reverse?
2016-07-22 18:39:04
/u/museum of dust
/u/(deleted user)
[removed]
/u/(deleted user)
[removed]
57
IMAGINE THAT! he said and sighed:

Instead of justice served, he cried,
Theyd simply stand and shoot on sight
In disregard of what was right,
And what was wrong, and what was fair,
And what was good, without a care
For what was just, or what was due,
And what was true and lawful too!
And if they shot some kid to death,
Or held him down until his breath
Was pained and strained and drained and passed
A fateful final time at last
For nothing great or grave at all,
We wouldnt let the fuckers fall,
Wed simply sling them out a day,
Deny the facts, suspend with pay!
Imagine how the world would be
If THAT was true? he said to me.

2016-07-22 17:54:31
/u/museum of dust
/u/PM ME YOUR WALLPAPER
Firefighter
/u/poopy wizard132
Im picturing a big red truck pulling up to a house and setting it on fire.
58
On cold and silent city streets

In cars of crimson red,
An engine whirs to life and beats
A beat to stir the dead.
They wake with curtains twitched aside,

And try to hide, afraid -
A gleaming rose and silver ride
Arises through the shade.
Their children shift in sleep and dream

A dream of dread and dark -
Of amber flame; the creaking scream
Of blistered wood and spark.
And so the wheels begin to turn.

The shadows drift apart.
The night ignites.
Infernos burn.
And sirens, somewhere, start.

2016-07-22 17:53:48
/u/museum of dust
/u/Scaphiopus
Gravedigger.
Digging up all of your dead relatives and bringing them back home? Dont want none of
that.
When Timmys father passed away,

He didnt turn to drink -
He simply dug him up one day,
And kept him in the sink.
59
#988 Long haul truck drivers of Reddit, what is your lot
lizard story?
2016-07-21 07:04:42
/u/CookinGeek
/u/erath droid
Drove for a while back in the day, still do from time to time (no more long haul) but
every time Id see prostitutes Id call the cops because there was a good chance that these
women werent doing this because they wanted to, but because they had no choice.
Human tracking is a very real thing, even in the U.S., and there are a LOT of girls that
are forced into making the rounds of certain truck stops.
I have a sneaking suspicion that most of the nasty old lot lizards that you hear about
were at one point young girls that were abducted and forced to work as prostitutes and
then thrown out by the side of the road when they couldnt bring in the money anymore,
and now they find themselves in a town far away from everyone theyve ever known and
are just doing the only thing they know how to do to get enough money to survive.
/u/lovemadesimple
Thank you for humanizing these women that are repeatedly referred to as lower than
animals in this post. You are a good person and Id like to think maybe the women you
had attempted to help received that help from the proper authorities.
Its easy to laugh, or to chide and condemn.

Its easy to think that youre better than them.
Its easy to damn and decry what they do.
Its easy to miss that theyre somebody too.
#987 Straight guys of Reddit, what was the gayest expe-

rience youve ever had?
2016-07-21 00:34:05
/u/Frostyetiwizard
60
/u/NoCoeeNeeded
Jerking o and climaxing when the video switched to a close up of the guys face.
Once upon a midnight peeping,

While my parents slumbered, sleeping,
There I palmed a passion, keeping
Soft and silent too -
There I sat and captivated,

Dearly watched, and willful, waited,
Shallow-breathed with brisk and bated
Breaths I swiftly drew -
There I stared as steamy motions

Planted nice and naughty notions;
Sudden swelling deep devotions,
Sown and grown anew -
There was she - a maidens measure,

Struck with thrusts and turns of pleasure;
Sordid, saucy teenage treasure,
Left for me to view -
There was I, with pleasure peaking -

There was she, in rapture, shrieking -
There was. . . he, up-close and speaking.
Still - I saw it through.
#986 Whats the weirdest thing about your body?

2016-07-14 16:10:57
/u/FrenchWoodChesse
/u/Mutt1223
I always sneeze twice. No more, no less. Two shall be the number thou shalt sneeze, and
the number of the counting shall be two. Four shalt thou not sneeze, neither sneeze thou
once, excepting that thou then proceed to twice. Five is right out. Once the number two,
being the second number, be reached, then wipest thy nose on thy friends interior, who
being naughty in My sight, does not say, bless you.
61
If sneezing twice is all you do,

Were I to interfere with you
To stop your standard sneezing set,
Perhaps perchance you might forget
To sternutate a second time,
Or hunk a chunk of nasal slime
Beyond your double-action snout;
Your sloppy-snotty-sneezing spout.
What say you, friend? I asked with glee.
He shook his head, and sneezed on me.
... twice.
#985 What is your current relationship with the person

you lost your virginity to?
2016-07-14 08:44:21
/u/kingfisher475
/u/Cali oh
We were 18 and going to be together forever until he told his church camp counselor
that wed had sex. The day he came home up he dumped me because they convinced
him that I was evil and he needed to break up with me so he didnt go to hell. Um, yeah
whatever it was HIS idea that we sleep together. We spoke a few times during college
but lost touch (this was before e-mail).
Years later I googled him and found out that he was suering from Huntingtons Disease
(which is a fatal, horrible, degenerative disease). I got in touch with his Mom and asked
what I could do and she said just send him a note or something because of none of his
friends ever visited him. So I started sending him letters/cards a few times a month and
when I traveled for work I would send him a postcard or buy him something and send
it to him. His Mom would send me letters about how much he loved my notes and my
presents and in my heart I felt that same connect that we had all those years ago. He
died only two years later. While he broke my heart and the break-up sent me into a
depression that lasted YEARS, at the end of the day he was just a confused kid who let
others dictate what he should do. While I am not 100% sure he even remembered who I
was at the end, it made me realize that after all these years, once the hurt is gone I still
had love and aection for him in my heart and I am glad that I had the chance to be add
a small bit of light into his life.
62
EDIT: I have been trying to respond to everyone who commented on my post, but I did
want to just let everyone know how much I appreciate all of your lovely thoughts. I have
only shared this story with a few close friends, so I am overwhelmed by how it has touched
so many people. Many of your comments said that I am a good person, but were all
good people. Life is about making choices. You can choose to forgive, give back and be
engaged or you can choose to be self-absorbed, indierent or angry. Its easy to be the
latter and dicult to be the former. As I read through many of the comments (many
were hysterical!), I was saddened by how many were bitter and snarky. I posted my story
to remind people that its important to remember the good things about someone and
why you cared about them. Let go of the bad and keep the good:-)
Dont be afraid to reach out to someone who needs you - it may be a stranger, a friend,
a loved one or someone you havent seen in ages because you may just change their lives
- or yours.
Youll do it soon, you always say;

Perhaps today, at last -
But time is quick to slip away,
And chances swiftly passed.
Theres always more for you and yours,

You hope inside your heart -
But lifes bizarre, and closes doors,
Before youve time to start.
So take the time to make it right,

And know, for what its worth -
Perhaps youll raise a spark of light,
On someones lonely Earth.
#984 What ACTUALLY lived up to the hype?

2016-07-13 21:16:14
/u/laundry123
/u/drewboos
Skyrim. I still play it today
63
From Northwind mine to Talos shrine -

From Riftens Beggars Row -
From Dragon Bridge to Knifepoint Ridge,
And Winterhold in snow -
From Riverwood to Silverblood -

From Broken Towers gate -
From Highmoon Hall to Boulderfall,
And Goldenglow Estate -
From Nightingale across The Pale -

From Falkreaths flaming forge -
From Greymoor fort to Windhelm port,
And over Robbers Gorge -
They journeyed long, and journeyed strong,

And fought with orcs and men -
And when, at last, the end had passed. . .
They did it all again.
#983 High Schoolers of Reddit: What are some things

that are in right now?
2016-07-13 18:32:02
/u/whis gin
/u/Curlybrac
Have you heard about Pokemon Go?
64
I wanna play the newest app,

Like all the kids in school -
I wanna search the poke-map -
Perhaps I could be cool.
But when I walk away from home,

I know with broken pride -
My stubby legs werent made to roam;
Im better o inside.
Pokemon! When Im outdoors -

I break out in bulba-sores.
Oo, Ill have to play
In my only lonely way.
Pokemon! - My friends, you see:

Im more of a pika-me.
Ill be what I have to be.
Po-ke-mon!
Gotta Catch Em All!
#982 What wasnt as fun as you thought it would be?

2016-07-13 17:57:47
/u/game geek
/u/Landlubber77
Being the cameraman on a porn shoot.

I shot a Bang Bus-type scene.
It was really fucking low rent. Our talent was some fat assed Guido dude who looked
like Wario and a meth-addicted hooker who kept asking including during filming when
she was gonna get her meth. We kept telling her she was getting paid money, not drugs,
and that what she did with that money was her business.
But still, even with the explanation, she would be taking Warios dick while he twirled
his mustache and plotted against the plumbers, would look up straight into the camera
and hiss through her not teeth whenda get my chalk !? (apparently this is a term for
meth the more you know).
Apparently to this human trash receptacle money and chalk were one and the same since
that was where the money was going anyway, so shed just as soon skip straight to the
65
drugs. And though we were a scandalous lot, methamphetamine is not something we had
readily available in the glove box.
After a few horrifying minutes of the least interesting man in the world stung his half-
soft cock into the flapping fuck tunnel of Walter Whites best customer it mercifully came
to an end with a money shot with no money, so to speak. The guy pulled out and started
jerking his limp dick and making all the requisite orgasm sounds while Gollums uglier
sister sat there dutifully with her jackolantern mouth agape ready to receive the fruits
of their labor, only homeboy was shooting invisible ink.
Perhaps he imagined wed hire Industrial Light and Magic to add some thick ropes during
post, but suce it to say, it wasnt in the budget.
Oh, and the van broke down during the shoot. Twice.
If nothing else, the entire experience was what made me decide to go the fuck back to
school.
TL;DR Being the cameraman on a porn shoot. It was a Bang Bus type of
scene and to call it amateur porn would be understating it by a magnitude.
A guy who fucked his wife and accidentally left the lens cap on would be
considered more professional.
They writhed with abandon. They shivered and squirmed.

They went at it weakly, and wiggled and wormed.
They clumsily bumped and they bucked and they moaned -
They grinded and whined and they grumbled and groaned.
They wilted and withered. They waned in the heat.

They lustlessly, listlessly, thrust with defeat.
They shued and scued, and broke for a breath -
They woefully whimpered and whispered of meth.
They tumbled together with sadness and strain -

Obsession, depression, discomfort and pain -
Aiction, addiction, and sorrow to see.
. . . It wasnt as fun as I thought it would be.
#981 Satan opens up Heck, a lighter version of Hell. What

kinds of torture are in it?
2016-07-11 01:39:11
/u/SuperDuperTurtle
66
/u/billzy02
Satan does the whats on your shirt and flick to the face shit and you fall for it every
time.
/u/Poem for your sprog
I stand forever strong, I swore,

In bitter war with bait -
I must be boldly brave and more,
And unafraid to wait!
I must be wise; I must be true;
I mustnt bear defeat -
I must be deeply daring too,
And deftly doubt deceit!
In dark, approached the Duke of Death,
With claws that curled and hooked -
I drew a deep, determined breath.
WHATS THAT?! he said. I looked.
/u/factsangeryou
You are truly a credit to our species.
Ive got it! said Satan, and grinned with delight:

May all of their sneezes arrive in the night!
May all of their tables be crooked! he cried:
May of all their laces be loose and untied!
May all of their digits be stubbed till they bleed!

May all of their captchas be vexing to read!
May all of their dinners be slow to defrost!
May all of their keys be departed and lost!
May all of their queues be unbearably long!

Forever relentlessly stuck on a song!
Forever upsetting and spilling their drink!
Forever less steps on the stairs than they think!
He giggled, demented, and wiggled with joy!

He chuckled, contented, and pleased with his ploy!
He danced and he bopped and he bounded and bounced!
And let there be stones in their shoes! he announced.
67
#980 Satan opens up Heck, a lighter version of Hell. What
kinds of torture are in it?
2016-07-11 00:24:04
/u/SuperDuperTurtle
/u/billzy02
Satan does the whats on your shirt and flick to the face shit and you fall for it every
time.
I stand forever strong, I swore,

In bitter war with bait -
I must be boldly brave and more,
And unafraid to wait!
I must be wise; I must be true;

I mustnt bear defeat -
I must be deeply daring too,
And deftly doubt deceit!
In dark, approached the Duke of Death,

With claws that curled and hooked -
I drew a deep, determined breath.
WHATS THAT?! he said. I looked.
#979 Whats a statistically proven fact that nobody wants

to hear?
2016-07-10 18:32:44
/u/munmaster
/u/UncleTrustworthy
That 61% of US gun deaths are suicides.

That 22 US veterans commit suicide every day.
Basically, we have a mental health crisis in this country (link opens a .pdf) and it doesnt
seem that anyone is willing to seriously address it.
68
/u/ARatherOddOne
The profession with the highest suicide rate is doctors.
/u/WinterCharm
With the recent healthcare changes:
1. we are not paying doctors (in primary care) and nurses enough
2. yet hospitals walk away with more money

3. Insurance companies walk away with EVEN more money.
4. and all our doctors and nurses are horrifically overworked.
Edit: clarified that I meant primary care doctors.
/u/interstate-15
Was expecting to see this. Doctors have too many fucking patients. How can they even
do their job correctly if theyre constantly being shoved a new body to look at. I have no
idea how ER doctors function.
/u/Gimme The Loot
Its crazy to see how dierent roles aect peoples outlooks. A nurse friend of mine used
to work with post-operatory rehab patients until their discharge and my impression was
it was a really uplifting and rewarding environment to be in. He works in the ICU now
instead and it seems like being around all the constant and seemingly senseless death has
really taken a toll on how he sees the world. His view to a lot of things seems very much
what does it matter when you could do everything right, be in shape and healthy but
randomly find out you have brain cancer. Its like seeing so many people, who didnt
expect to have these situations thrown on them and who arent so dierent from he and
I, just have everything taken so quickly is really wearing down his resolve.
69
You make a choice one fated day

To change the world for good -
Perhaps youll find the perfect way -
Perhaps in time you could.
You want to keep the oath you swore

To care for more than you -
But every day its more and more,
And more before youre through.
And now youve not the chance to try,

And weary, wary fears -
And every face is fleeting by,
And time just. . . disappears.
#978 You are challenged to a duel to the death. Assuming

you accept, you get to pick the weapons. What are they?
2016-07-08 19:36:10
/u/thechadeisenhower
/u/Mrthereverend
My bare hands. Thats right, you have to try to use my bare hands to kill me.
/u/Gr33nmag1k
stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself
/u/I Miss Austin
This sounds like the most embarrassing way to go out.
/u/MacheteDont
Here lies XXXX,

Slapped to death by his own hands like some little punk-ass bitch.
70
Beloved father, fairest friend,

Who breathed his final breath -
A tragic loss; a tragic end -
He slapped himself to death.
RIP
#977 If you were scaled down to the size of their prey

what would be the most terrifying predator to be hunted
by?
2016-07-07 18:13:50
/u/Smellsyourmother
/u/HalBriston
Spiders. That whole turning your insides to liquid so they can drink you thing is
just. . . . . .
A SPIDER.
A SPIDER.
A WEE HAIRY HIDER.
IT SIGHTS YER
AND BITES YER
AND VIOLENTLY FIGHTS YER
UNTIL
WITH A GIGGLE
IT WIGGLES INSIDE YER.
71
#976 For those who worked at a place featured on How
Its Made, whats things werent shown on tv?
2016-07-07 09:46:03
/u/Grant123321
/u/ peanut juice
Cardboard box factory, Ive seen the episode but what Im about to say probably applies
to every factory. The dont show when things get fucked up, thats like half the reason
the employees are there. They show machines running and making shit.
For example: They show the corrugator and the box machine. They dont say sometimes
the glue cuts out momentarily, going unnoticed by the corrugator engineers, this can lead
to jam ups when the box is made Then cut to me standing by the machine in 115 degree
heat ripping paper shreds out of my machine and loudly cursing.
/u/LysergicOracle
Here, the operator berates the machine, calling it a filthy whore bastard and demanding
to know what the hell its fucking problem is. This eases the operators rage and keeps
production running smoothly.
edit: Next, a kind stranger gilds the comment. The commenter thanks them in the
traditional fashion.
/u/sllewgh
Definitely read it in the voice.

Edit: I had no idea there were so many versions of the show and so many versions of the
voice. Glad I didnt specify.
/u/intoxicated potato
Today on How Its Made. . .
/u/tumbler flu
Doo-doo-doo-doo
A worker kills his boss. . .
Doot-doot-doo-doo
A quality control technician burns his forearm. . .
doot-bop-bop
And Hammond gets wood
72
Today, he said, were here to see

(You heap of utter wank! )
Inside this working factory
(You filthy fucking skank! )
The means with which a box is made
(You dreadful slice of gash! )
And all the workers here displayed
(You rancid piece of trash! )
And how they make and craft their crates
(You dirty useless ho! )
And how it really operates.
(. . . It fucking doesnt though! )
#975 [Post-Match Thread] Portugal 2 - Wales 0

2016-07-06 22:50:41
/u/Man0nTheMoon915
Portugal 2-0 Wales

Ronaldo 50, Nani 53
Competition: European Championship
Venue: Lyon
Kick O: 20:00 BST 15:00 EST
Streams: /r/soccerstreams, [Reddit Stream] (http://reddit-
stream.com/comments/4rjv0q)
Teams
Portugal Formation: 4-3-1-2
Rui Patricio, Cedric, Fonte, Bruno Alves, Guerreiro, Danilo, Joao Mario, Adrien, Renato,
Nani, Cristiano
Subs: Lopes, Eduardo, R.Carvalho, Eliseu, Moutinho, Vieirinha, Gomes, Rafa Silva,
Eder, Quaresma
Wales Formation: 5-3-2
Hennessey, Gunter, Chester, A Williams, Collins, Taylor; Allen, Ledley, King; Bale,
Robson-Kanu.
Subs: Fon Williams, Ward, Richards, Edwards, J.Williams, Vaughan, G.Williams, Cot-
terill, Vokes, Church
Updates From Goal.Com Since its slow, some from me aswell.

0 Kick O
3 OUTSTANDING TACKLE! After a cagey opening couple of minutes, a loose touch
from Allen gives possession away cheaply in his own half, allowing Ronaldo to break on
73
the counter. The forward steps around Williams just a few yards outside the area, but
the centre-half slides in to break up the move! Ronaldo shouts for a free-kick, but the
referee says it was a fair challenge!
5 Portugal have parked themselves in the attacking half, but theyve yet to threaten
the Wales back-line. Chris Colemans side are doing an excellent job of pressing the
ball, which has forced Portugal to retreat on a couple of occasion, while limiting them to
hopeful balls over the top which have amounted to nothing up to this point.
8 Yellow card Joe Allen
8 Another slip from Allen! The Liverpool midfielder again gives possession away, this
time dispossessed by Adrien Silva at the halfway line. He manages to win it back o
Nani, seconds later, but does so unfairly - and that will see his name into the referees
book.
10 IMPORTANT TOUCH! Portugal continue on the ascendency, starting to penetrate
this back five as they introduce some good width into their approach. Cedric finds space
on the overlap and whips a teasing ball in, but Collins does so well in marking Ronaldo
to win the header and clear the threat.
12 Wales are struggling to keep the ball for prolonged periods, with the likes of Bale and
Robson-Kanu very limited in possession up to this point. When Colemans side do win
it back, theyre quick to try and get up the pitch, but their passes have been lacking the
required quality.
14 This has been a much better start from Portugal than they put together in their
quarter-final match against Poland. At this point they were already down 1-0 and lucky
not to be even further behind. The same was true for Wales, as both of these teams wend
behind early in their last-eight matches - so perhaps the first goals isnt as important here
as it usually proves to be.
16 GLANCED WIDE! Splendid touch from Ronaldo to spring Mario on his way, before
being clattered into from behind. The Sporting midfielder surges into the area with eyes
for goal, opting for power not placement, but cant pick out the far corner as his eort
drifts a few yards beyond the target.
17 Much better from Wales! Lovely, patient interplay sees them mount a first threatening
attack of the night, taking the space Portugal had made available to them. Bale is sprung
down the left with Fonte having to come across into a foreign position to defend the
threat, but he does admirably to force a corner.
18 Bale shoots over from the corner.
20 Bale plays a pass across the box to Andy King, but the Portugal keeper scoops it up.
22 Bale what a run! Bursts into box but shoots at the keeper.
23 Corner to Portugal and it finds no one and goes out for a goal kick.
24 Robson-Kanu crosses it into the box, and Wales win the corner.
25 Portugal break from the corner and win a throw in.
27 Portugal are attempting to slow the tempo now when theyre on the ball, recognising
the threat Wales pose on the break. Theyre being careful not to leave themselves exposed
at the back, with both Alves and Fonte very much overmatched in the pace department.
That has to be a worry for Fernando Santos given how these first 25 minuted have
unfolded.
28 Portugal get the ball in but its cleared, Portugal blast over. Mark Bowens voice is
deep. . .
29Its all been rather pedestrian from Portugal in the final third through the opening half-
74
hour. They havent been able to carve apart a stingy and well-organised Wales defence,
with Hennessey yet to be called into action. Cedric tries his luck from close to 40 yards
out and lifts his eort into Row Z, summarising the Portuguese attack up to this point.
32 Portugal take a shot but its a goal kick to Wales.
34 Collins clears a cross from Portugal.
35 We are into the last 10 minutes now of what has been an altogether unimpressive first
half, which is sort of the standard which has been set by Portugal at the tournament.
They dont care how attractive a style they play, so long as they achieve the desired end
result, so this rather stagnant opening 35 minutes shouldnt come as much of a surprise.
37 Wales have implemented a wonderful press o the ball, getting after the men in
possession, while Portugal have adopted very much the opposite approach, giving the
three Welsh defenders all the time in the world when they get on the ball. Its allowed
them to keep their shape and not let Colemans side build in possession, limiting their
attacks to a few rare moments on the counter.
39 This narrow setup in the Portuguese defence has kept Wales at arms length. Cole-
mans side have been relegated to playing route one balls over the top, asking an awful lot
of Robson-Kanu, who has predominantly found himself to be outnumbered up top, with
Bale having to drop deeper to help provide a link between midfield and attack - though
hes been smothered by Portugal.
41 Ronaldo strikes the ball, but its blocked and goes out for a corner to Portugal and
caught.
43 [Ronaldo Heads o target] (https://streamable.com/fk0n) Thanks to ILoveDomeFrom-
Girls
45 HT 0-0
46 Kick o for the second half.
48 A plethora of errant passes out from the back see Portugal come under unnecessary
pressure early in this second half. Wales are gifted a trio of chances to get after a scrambled
Portuguese defence, but they fail to pick out the decisive ball to make the most of the
gifts.
48 Free kick to Portugal in Wales half. Cleared away by Collins. Corner to Portugal,
49 [GOAL FROM THE CORNER 1-0 Portugal. Ronaldo heads it in!]
(https://streamable.com/3lgw) Thanks to ILoveDomeFromGirls
53 [2-0 Portugal! Ronaldo has a poor shot and Nani gets the touch to make it 2-0!]
(https://streamable.com/q3i1) Thanks to ILoveDomeFromGirls
Sub Vokes On Ledley O
57 Wales are looking stunned. You can hardly blame them, but they have no time
to sit back in shock. They have a mountain to climb and theyre going to need all the
possession they can get to help turn this around - but theyre seeing next to none of it at
the moment, with Portugal playing keep-away.
61 Free kick to Ronaldo and just over.
Sub Church O Robson Kanu On
Chester Booked
64 Bale wipes in a free kick but is caught.
65 THAT COULD HAVE DONE IT! Nani catches Hennessey lacking focus, as the keeper
spills his strike from range! Mario is on hand to pounce on the rebound, but he knocks
it just wide of the near post! That surely would have ended any hopes of a comeback.
Sub Collins O Willaims On
75
69 Corner to Portugal, and its caught.
Alves Booked
72 Ronaldo fouls and is booked, Bale plays in the free kick from outside the box but it
comes to nothing.
73 Sanches makes a good run but shoots over.
Sub Sanches O Gomez On
76 Bales shoots at goal but its held well.
78 Corner to Portugal, cleared then falls to Danilo, who shoots at goal and Hennessey
nearly does a Rob Green.
79 Bale takes a shot and the Portugal keeper palms it away.
Sub Silva O Moutinho On
82 Bale takes a free kick but hits the wall.
85 Ronaldo takes it to the side of the goal, the gap is to narrow and he hits the side
netting.
Sub Nani O Quaresma On
88 Corner Portugal Cleared
3 minutes added on.
From Barry town by dawn of day -

From Pontypool by night -
From Gilfach Goch to Cardi Bay,
With pride and deep delight -
From A to B; from Conwy Quay,

In clubs and pubs and teams -
From Bangor, over Anglesey,
With faith and hope and dreams -
They watched them dare to play the game -

They watched them test and try -
They watched them lose, but all the same -
They watched the dragons fly.
#974 Has anyone married as a result of a if were still

single by (age) pact? How did it work out?
2016-07-04 22:41:02
/u/KevinSpicy
76
/u/michaelsiemsen
A couple of friends from high school made such a pledge, I believe . . . by the time were
35. . . He always had a crush on her, she was always interested in other guys and
straight-up said shed settle for him if no other takers.
They moved in together (ONLY as roommates!) in late 20s, had awkward drunken sex
one night a few years later (next morning, Dont think this means were together.), and
a few years after that they were basically a couple, though she insisted they werent.
At 35, I asked him if they were finally ocial. He said, She says she just uses me for her
lady needs, but I asked her once how shed feel about me dating someone else. She told
me to feel free to date anyone I want if Im okay with getting my dick cut o in my sleep.
So yeah, Id say were ocial!
/u/UppityScapegoat
Jesus she sounds awful.
So what youre suggesting in essence, he said,

Is simply pretending were single instead?
You want me to loiter, devoted to you -
But never acknowledge were better as two?
You want me to linger, he said with a sigh,

While youre on the lookout for some other guy?
You want me to oer my hope and my heart -
While constantly acting as though were apart?
You want me to simply submit and agree?

To hope for the day when youll settle for me?
To wait while you actively push me away?
Precisely, she answered. He whispered, . . . okay.
#973 What is a phrase most often uttered by assholes?

2016-07-03 18:48:38
/u/loadsamonay
/u/DoctorLoveMun
Its just a joke, jeez lighten up
77
It isnt crude! It isnt rude!

He laughed and shook his head.
I didnt really mean it, dude -
Its just a joke! he said.
I thought upon these fun assaults,

And then, without ado -
I catalogued his flaws and faults,
And tore his soul in two.
I said hed never made a friend;

Hed never find a date;
His lost and loveless life would end;
Hed gained a heap of weight.
I said hed mastered pointless pride,

With groundless mounds of smarm:
A piece of human filth, I sighed,
Without an ounce of charm.
And when, at last, he stopped to cry

At every word I spoke -
I heard him sadly whisper: why?
And said: Its just a joke.
#972 [Post Match Thread] Wales 3-1 Belgium (2016 UEFA

Euro - Quarterfinal)
2016-07-01 22:58:29
/u/Louxneauwytz
0.0.1 Welcome to the /u/Louxneauwytz Post-Match Thread!
0.0.2 2016 EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP!

0.0.3 Wales 3 - 1 Belgium
Kick-o Time: 8:00 P.M. GMT / 9:00 CET

Venue: Stade Pierre Mauroy, Lille, France.
Stadium Capacity: 50,186
78
0.0.4 Goals
0-1 Radja Nainggolan - 13
1-1 Ashley Williams - 30
2-1 Hal Robson-Kanu - 55
3-1 Sam Vokes - 86
0.0.5 Other Fixtures

Wales
2-1 W vs Slovakia
1-2 L vs England
3-0 W vs Russia
1-0 W vs Northern Ireland
Belgium
0-2 L vs Italy
3-0 W vs Ireland
1-0 W vs Sweden
4-0 W vs Hungary
0.0.6 Starting XIs

[c]@cllc@ # [Wales] (#bar-7-red) Belgium #1 Wayne Hennessey Thibaut Courtois
12 Chris Gunter Toby Alderweireld 23 Neil Taylor Radja Nainggolan 44 Ben
Davies Axel Witsel 65 James Chester Kevin De Bruyne 76 Ashley Williams
[C] (#bar-2-yellow) Romelu Lukaku 97 Joe Allen Eden Hazard [C] (#bar-2-yellow)
109 Hal Robson-Kanu Yannick Carrasco 1110 Aaron Ramsey Jason Denayer
1511 Gareth Bale Thomas Meunier 1616 Joe Ledley Jordan Lukaku 21
0.0.7 Match Stats via [ESPN FC]

(http://www.espnfc.us/match?gameId=438159)
[c]@lc@ Wales Belgium Possession 46%54%Shots (on target) 15 (7)14 (5)Corners 78O-
sides 11Fouls 128
0.0.8 Substitutes
Wales
78 Andy King Joe Ledley
80 Sam Vokes Hal Robson-Kanu
79
90 James Collins Aaron Ramsey
Belgium
46 Marouane Fellaini Yannick Carrasco
75 Dries Mertens Jordan Lukaku
75 Michy Batshuayi Romelu Lukaku
0.0.9 Bookings
Wales
5 - Ben Davis [suspended for SF]
16 - James Chester
24 - Chris Gunter
74 - Aaron Ramsey [suspended for SF]
Belgium
59 - Marouane Fellaini
85 - Toby Alderweireld
/u/ACTUAL TIME TRAVELER
0.1 ITS COMING SLIGHTLY LEFT OF HOME,

LADS
The dragons cruise on crimson wings,

Prepared and primed to play -
Whatever next the future brings,
For now. . . were on our way.
Go Wales! :D
#971 What do you have an extremely strong opinion on

that is ultimately unimportant?
2016-07-01 15:31:20
/u/chunky vandy
80
/u/Val Hallen
The more stickers you have on your car, the more of an insuerable asshole you are.
/u/Wide Open Colon
He said opinion, not absolute facts.
Though its so inconsequential,

Unimportant, non-essential,
Measly, meagre, mean, and minor,
Friends, I think theres nothing finer -
Nothing quite as strongly suited,
Nothing quite as undisputed,
Nothing quite as apt for telling
Whether someones so repelling -
So, companions, on reflection,
Heres your basic dick-detection:
Simply pick your chosen loser.
Count the stickers on his cruiser.
#970 You must convince Reddit that two seemingly unre-

lated historical events were actually connected. What con-
spiracy theory can you come up with?
2016-07-01 00:10:28
/u/BugsSuck
/u/Computermaster
The Chernobyl Power Plant wasnt just a nuclear reactor. It was also an experimental
time machine. During the first test run, the time machine overloaded, causing a feedback
loop that destroyed the time machine and Reactor 4
Since the time machine overloaded at exactly the same time it was activated, the explosion
and most, if not all, of the time machine equipment was sent back in time to June 30
1908, causing the Tunguska Event. The reason the explosion didnt happen in the same
physical spot is due to the gravity of Earth and other stellar bodies warping spacetime.
EDIT: Holy shit this post took o. I came up with it and wrote it in literally two
minutes. Ill correct and expand some of the phrasing, but this isnt meant to be a super
81
scientifically accurate premise. Im sure people will continue to poke holes in it just
like practically any other sci-fi premise.
They gathered round the dusky room,

A dozen furtive folk -
And from the smoky, shaded gloom,
Explain yourself, they spoke.
He told them how it drained to black,

And how they knew, at last -
And how the blast had lumbered back,
And thundered through the past.
We stood and stared; we werent prepared,

But thats not all, he said -
The biggest part, he whispered, scared:
. . . I think it moved ahead.
#969 What is one thing you would do ONCE, if nobody

would EVER find out?
2016-06-29 23:20:00
/u/HmongNow
/u/Doktor Diesel
Find out how many toddlers I could actually take in a fight.
The timer was ticking.

The moment was here.
I swallowed my doubts and my worries and fear.
Perhaps thered be dozens.
Perhaps thered be more.
I silently stepped through the nursery door.
82
#968 What is the most Michael Scott thing your boss has
ever done?
2016-06-29 21:10:21
/u/timeforknowledge
/u/myaccount2202
He put a fake severed head in my bottom desk drawer and watched me from the corner
of the room to see if it scared me. I just looked up (in a very Jim way) and blinked a
few times and then closed the drawer. The look on his face was pure defeat. He was
actually upset it didnt scare me, like thats all he thought about the night before and I
completely ruined his day.
/u/Sceptezard
This is beautiful
I planned, prepared, and thought it through -

I laughed with deep delight.
I schemed and drew a sketch or two,
And set to work at night.
I formed and framed and scraped and shaped -

I crafted, cut, and cast.
I forged and fixed and traced and taped,
And grinned, content, at last.
And so I made the perfect ploy,

And played my chosen hand -
I watched with anxious, eager joy.
. . . It didnt go as planned.
:(
83
#967 Sperm donors of Reddit, what kind of porn do they
give you in that little wanking room?
2016-06-28 07:48:49
/u/Dolphin Titties
/u/D-Rex475
The first time I had to have a a test done when my wife and I were conceiving was terrible.
They sent me to a hospital, I was basically walked into a public bathroom and they told
me to lock the door.
When I left I noticed they put a sign on it that said Specimen Reterival In Progress Do
Not Disturb. I then had to make the long walk of shame down the hallway with a cup
of jizz. 1/10 would not reccommend.
Excuse me, I said with a sigh and a smile,

Ive looked all around and Ive waited a while.
Ive patiently pondered. Ive stopped for a drink -
But nothing appears to be coming, I think!
Perhaps youve a sample of amorous scenes?

An amateur orgy of neighborly teens?
A meeting of pretty wee titties and cocks?
A sexy selection of midgets in socks?
So tell me, I whispered: Oh what will it be?

Oh how will it happen and what will I see?
She showed me a toilet and told me to sit.
And that was the day that I jacked it to shit.
#966 Guys, what pisses you o about other guys?

2016-06-25 01:29:24
/u/pm me judge reinhold
/u/ PM ME YOUR TONGUES
They completely change their personality when attractive women are around. \ () /
84
/u/kawhe
Person in my school suddenly becomes British when women are around
/u/Pojodan
So what do they do? Sip tea, stick out their pinky, then make huge trade-deal changes
that ruin their currency valuation?
Afternoon, me tasty crumpet -

Wanna shag, you sexy strumpet?
Shake your arse, mlady, linger -
Only joking, cheeky minger!
Heard about the bleedin brexit?

Bugger me, an awful exit!
Total bunch of slags and plonkers -
Dozy wankers, bloody bonkers!
Load of bollocks - self-defeatist!

Takes the piss, me dear and sweetest!
Pot of tea? he kindly queried.
. . . What the fuck? she whispered, wearied.
#965 Americans, if you had to trade an American state

out, which state would it be?
2016-06-24 17:48:33
/u/Wilreadit
[removed]
/u/violentre
I see a lot of people are wanting to get rid of Florida.

Well, fuck you.
Ill take my Disney World, oranges, Publix subs, beaches, Pitbull, meth labs and find
someone who will appreciate us!
Edit: First time getting gold! Im so glad it was my only comment involving Pitbull.
85
Well keep our beaches, parks and perks!

They cried, enraged, irate.
Youre just a bunch of jealous jerks!
Opined the Sunshine State.
Well never need you fancy-folk -

Well find our own instead!
Well break away, but first, they spoke,
. . . well make some meth, they said.
#964 What is the creepiest and most unexplainable para-

normal experience youve ever had?
2016-06-23 00:01:28
/u/eshoves14
/u/KimJongFunk
When I was in elementary school, I shared a queen size bed with my older sister and our
family dog (a mutt that looked like a short haired Lassie) would sleep at the foot of our
bed every night. When I was about 6 years old, I woke up one night around midnight
and saw a dark figure standing at the foot of the bed. The figure was entirely in black
without any eyes or a face. I tried to wake my sister up, but she rolled over to go back
to sleep. My sister must have accidentally kicked the dog, because the dog woke up and
raised her head and started growling at the figure at the foot of the bed. The growling
then woke my sister up and she saw the figure and started screaming. When my parents
came into the room and turned the light on, nothing was there.
To this day, both my sister and I are adamant that we saw a ghost or other demon in our
room. We know we arent crazy because the dog saw it too.
/u/jacquespitre
First o, sorry if the the formatting is weird (im on mobile). I can relate to your story.
Ive seen a figure like that twice. A year or two ago, I walked in my brothers room and
and looked at his mirror which showed my room down the hall. I saw a pitch black figure
in the hallway right next to my door across the hall. I stared for the longest five seconds
of my life. When I turned around it was gone and I brushed it o as my mind playing
tricks on me. I went to close the door to my room. When I reached in to close the door,
the door SLAMMED shut. I opened the door out of instinct ready to fight an intruder,
but nobody was there. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT.
86
There was also another time I woke up in the middle of the night at like 2 am. I saw the
pitch black figure, exactly as you described it, at the foot of my bed. I looked away to
wake up my friend (who was spending the night), but when I looked back it was gone.
Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of ghost attached to me because I played with a
ouiji board alone before shit like this started happening. I only wonder this cause the two
dierent encounters were in dierent houses. Sometimes I hear sounds in other rooms
and hope im just slightly schizo or something.
He stands in the silence, and sees me afraid.

A shape in the shadows; a sound from the shade.
A darkness as deep as the deepest Ive known.
He watches.
Hes waiting.
Im never alone.
#963 What is something that is morally appalling, but

100% legal?
2016-06-22 20:00:13
/u/ohconnor7122
/u/FatLipsMcCool
Not sure about 100%. . . .. Buuuuut, in my country (Australia) two of our states (SA and
QLD) have a gay panic law, which technically allows you to kill someone in self defence-
if the person is homosexual and comes on to you. Like, what the actual fuck?
/u/Mrthereverend
Wow, we have a fucking winner.
87
When Little Timmy went to town,

He didnt journey far -
He stopped before the sun was down,
And stepped inside a bar.
Id like a drink! the lad opined,

A dram of jack or jim!
A man was standing close behind.
I like your hat, said Tim.
He drained his glass and wiped his brow,

And grinned, content, and sighed.
But Timmy lived down under now.
#962 What is something that is morally appalling, but

100% legal?
2016-06-22 18:39:54
/u/ohconnor7122
/u/Purple death
Child beauty pageants.
88
Ive nurtured a notion! he said with a smile -

A pageant for children on beauty and style!
Well judge them in dresses, and tutus, and tights!
Well focus on shallow and depthless delights!
Imagine, he whispered, a catwalk on cue!

A cursory glance at a talent or two!
And just cause Im totally fucked in the head -
Well tailor a section on swimwear! he said.
Well cake them in make-up, and shake up their mind -

Pretend that theyre faces with nothing behind!
And then, while theyre young and defenceless, distressed -
Well rank them by beauty, and pick out the best.
#961 What is the worst Subway sandwich possible, using

actual ingredients from Subway?
2016-06-21 14:28:46
/u/Mister Scorpion
Any, really.
You stand before the counter-desk,

And bend your weary head -
To glance beyond the glass, grotesque,
At varied lumps of bread.
You make your choice: a Honey Oat

You note with some despair -
A lonely pickle swims afloat
Behind your chosen fare.
The worker quotes your portions price -

You nod. You need to eat.
They pick your pinkish, rationed slice
Of non-descriptive meat.
89
Its scratched and shaped and slapped and draped
Across your share of cheese -
A little sauce is sadly scraped;
The bottles final squeeze.
Its nonchalantly nudged away

To warm a fraction more -
You watch it twist and slowly sway
Beyond the oven door.
And then its done. You feign delight.

You eat without concern.
You dont recall a single bite.
Tomorrow, you return.
#960 People who know a compulsive liar, what ridiculous,

obviously fake, story have they told you?
2016-06-21 14:08:04
/u/ErdapfelMann2
/u/RamsesThePigeon
Theres this guy named Michael.

Michael is, as near as anyone can tell, a pathological liar. Hes one of those fellows who
has to trump everyones story with one of his own, and somehow, he always winds up
being an insanely attractive action hero in them. Ive heard Michael talk about how he
was issued access to a fighter jet at age seventeen, how he once saved the President
from some plot or another, and how he had an impromptu threesome with some very
famous celebrity and her sister in the Sacramento river.
Suce to say, the guy isnt exactly believable. . . but perhaps his worst lie was one that
took him the entire evening to tell.
In the town where I grew up, there would be a weekly event called The Chefs Market.
Since there wasnt a whole lot else to do in the area, my friends and I would frequently
spend our Friday evenings there, wasting what little money we had on slabs of barbecued
meat and cups of too-sweet lemonade. On one such occasion, a local party coordinator
had set up an inflatable stage of sorts, on which two contestants were encouraged to knock
each other o low platforms using weapons that looked rather like enormous Q-tips. It
seemed like a lot of fun, so I oered to pay for any of my friends who wanted to spar
against me.
Oh, I cant, Michael chimed in (before anyone else).
Its okay, I said, Ill pay for you, if you want. Truth be told, I was hoping hed
decline so that I could pay for one of my other friends to try it with me. Fortunately,
90
thats exactly what happened.
Michael shook his head. No, Im very opposed to violence unless its absolutely neces-
sary.
This isnt violence, another of my friends said. Its just fun.
You guys dont understand, protested Michael. If I go in that ring with you, I will
kill you. I wont have a choice.
A few eye-rolls were passed around the group. Why is that, Michael? someone asked.
Its my training, he said. Once I get into a combat state, I cant stop until Ive killed
someone.
Now, Michael was (clearly) not someone that we spent much time around by choice, and
none of us were too keen on talking him into an activity that he was clearly afraid of
trying. My other friends and I went a few rounds, knocked each other down a few times,
and figured wed head o to find a drink. As soon as we started walking, though, Michael
started into the next leg of his story.
Do you guys know why I have that training? he asked.
Because youre a ninja! someone sarcastically replied.
Michael nodded. Yes. I was trained in Kung Fu from a very young age, and I got so
good that my family got run out of the last town where we lived. Nobody said anything.
We certainly didnt ask him to continue. . . but he did anyway. They even hatched a
plot to try and get me thrown in prison. This girl broke into my house one night and
tried to seduce me. . . but I had a girlfriend, so I turned her away. Thats when she went
to the police and tried to say that I raped her.
How terrible, someone muttered.
Dont encourage him! hissed someone else.
Michaels voice took on a very grave aspect. Fortunately, I was friends with the owner
of the hospital. He helped me after I accidentally killed my Karate teacher. Someone
made a comment about the dierence between Karate and Kung Fu, but Michael either
didnt hear them or pressed onward anyway. He tested the girl himself, and he found
semen in her vagina. . . but it wasnt mine. . . and it wasnt human. He waited for a
reaction. When it didnt come, he escalated even further. That started a rumor that
I was a genetically engineered super-soldier, because of how powerful I am. We had to
leave town for my parents safety, because I couldnt always be there to protect them.
Once again, nobody said anything, save for a few murmurs of Uh-huh. Thankfully,
Michael seemed to have exhausted himself for the evening. . . until he asked one of us to
pay for his dinner.
Nobody was surprised when he had a really insane reason for being broke.
TL;DR: A genetically engineered super-soldier had to flee with his parents
after being accused of both rape and murder. . . and thats why he needs you
to buy his burrito.
91
Michaels friends with film directors.

Michaels been to war.
Michaels thwarted mighty spectres,
Monster men, and more.
Michaels grans an oxen drover.

Michaels mums the queen.
Michaels been to Mars, and over
Everywhere between.
Michaels trained in chi-fu-fighting,

Nin-tai-sumo-hit.
Michaels dad invented writing.
Michaels full of shit.
#959 What is the wildest secret youve ever exposed?

2016-06-19 08:49:57
/u/need2concentr8
[removed]
/u/tsmooths
When I was young, I had a friend who lived down the street. She had a trampoline and
I didnt, so naturally we spent a lot of time together. I also had a cousin who was a
year younger than us, whom I saw quite often. Someone decided it was a good idea (or
possibly just forgot I was there) to mention the fact that my cousin was adopted while
in front of me. Thats a pretty big secret in itself, but it also turned out that my friend
from down the street was adopted. . . from the same birth mother as my cousin. My
friend and my cousin were super secret brother and sister and I was a 9 year old with
this information. How exciting! Who wouldnt want to know they had a secret brother
or sister? So I called them to the tree house on the schoolyard during recess once and
spilled the beans. My family hasnt told me a secret since.
92
So I called them to the tree house on the schoolyard during recess

once and spilled the beans.
Good morning, I whispered, and welcomed them in:

Relax for a moment, and then well begin.
My sources were solid; my findings, the truth.
Id weaved through the twists in the riddle of youth.
I had my suspicions, I said with a sigh -

But not the specifics; the how and the why.
The truth, I remarked, with a murmur of woe,
Is always elusive, Im sure as you know.
I pondered the reasons, and waited a while -

And now for the answer, I said with a smile.
Youre brother and sister - divided, alas!
They stared at me, silent. We went into class.
#958 Guys, what isnt nearly as hot/attractive as many

girls think?
2016-06-17 21:35:28
/u/grilled tits
/u/yung bubu
Playing hard to get all the time, especially when they establish that they like you. Once
we get that out in the air, it shouldnt always be a fight for your attention or aection.
/u/Lost in costco
God I hate that. If youre trying to purposely make me fight for you and earn your
aection Im leaving. I hate the chase, I fucking hate it. Im not sitting around chasing
you around. Ill move on.
/u/Geweldigheid
I dont chase em I replace em
93
She told me she liked me, then bid me goodbye:

Youll have to try harder, she said with a sigh.
Come chastely embrace me, then chase me instead.
Im so fucking special.
Forget it, I said.
#957 Scientists of Reddit, what is the most crazy concept

that may actually be possible in the future?
2016-06-15 18:59:17
/u/Rob Stone
/u/ObviousTrollDontFeed
We can fit a terabytes of data in the palm of our hand right now. Nano-robots which
can build anything given the raw materials and blueprints, including other nano-robots,
is not so far fetched. Medical technology may soon be able to incubate a human from
conception to birth. We are getting much better at finding near Earth sized planets in
our galaxy.
Now imagine sending human DNA, self-replicating nano-robots, and the entirety of human
knowledge on a smallish ship to an Earth-like planet. Once there, the nano-robots are
programmed to rebuild civilization. If we find thousands of Earth-like planets and send
ships to each of them, then we can almost guarantee success if the plan is solid.
I call this blowing our load all over the Milky Way.
/u/goldscrub
I call this blowing our load all over the Milky Way.
So we would be having our milky way with the Milky Way?
94
I really think, he softly sighed,

And slowly shook his head,
Its time I tried, he spoke with pride,
To spread my seed! he said.
Ill swiftly send it out to space,

The moon, or maybe Mars -
A cosmic interstellar race
To fertilize the stars!
Id love to stand, at noon or night,

And stare above to see -
Beyond that milky, endless sight -
A little bit of me.
#956 Scientists of Reddit, what is the most crazy concept

that may actually be possible in the future?
2016-06-15 18:41:25
/u/Rob Stone
/u/Andromeda321
Astronomer here! If you ever thought Cloud City in Star Wars was awesome, it turns out
we might be able to do something similar someday. . . on Venus. Sure, the surface sucks,
but if you go about 50 km up Venuss atmosphere is the most Earth-like there is in the
Solar System. Whats more, unlike the crushing pressure and hot temperatures on the
surface, you have the same atmospheric pressure as on Earth, temps varying from 0-50
C, and pretty similar gravity to here.
So yeah, floating cities in some form on Venus is actually not the dumbest thing- its more
appealing than Mars in some ways- so while I dont see it happening in my lifetime, it
may well be a more serious plan in the future. Heres a much more detailed article if you
want to read more about it.
95
Migrate to the city that floats in the sky!

Its endlessly better incredibly high!
Youll climb on a cloud, and youll flutter and fly!
But stay o the surface.
Dont go there.
Youll die.
Brought to you by the Venus Tourist Board.
#955 What stupid question have you always been too

embarrassed to ask, but would still like to see answered?
2016-06-11 05:02:39
/u/TheLochNessMonstur
/u/77remix
Do black people tell white jokes in their group of black friends?
/u/Ser Rodrick Cassel
why should you be scared of a white man in prison?

because you know he is guilty
96
When Little Timmy stole a car -

To go to space! he said -
He didnt make it very far,
And went to jail instead.
A prisons full of fearsome folk,

His lawyer grumbled, gru -
Youll have to make your mark, he spoke,
To show them all youre tough!
So Timmy chose the biggest six,

And loudly, proudly cried:
I hear youve all got tiny dicks!
#954 What is a good subreddit to binge the ALL TIME

TOP posts of ?
2016-06-10 19:19:10
/u/cutemusclehead
/u/fuckswithducks
/r/rubberducks has some pretty good ones if I do say so myself! (link)
97
A stranger day, the month of May,

He woke and shook his head -
He rubbed an eye, and sighed a sigh,
And slowly, softly said:
It seems to me, a duck, said he,

Is all I need in life -
So keep your gold, your treasures old,
Your man, your kids, your wife!
I want a beak, he thought to speak,

A poultry pal, he cried -
A feathered friend to gaily spend
My days and nights beside!
He laughed amazed, and hazy, dazed,

And on that fated morn -
He quacked, content, whereeer he went. . .
And fuckswithducks was born.
#953 What are the unwritten rules of the oce?

2016-06-10 17:11:56
/u/ShortfallOfGravitas
/u/funzo1031
Do NOT microwave any kind of fish.
98
Round and round I watched it turning,

Slowly twisting, slowly churning,
Overcooked and boiling, burning;
Bubbles formed and fell -
There it spun in circles, whirling -

Rotten soup of tasteless, twirling,
Stinking swill in rising, swirling,
Steams of fetid hell -
Round and round I watched it, trying

Not to breathe, but breathing, crying,
Till, at last, I whispered, sighing:
Man, that fucking smell.
#952 What makes a girl creepy?

2016-06-09 01:10:42
/u/ThiefInDaNight
[removed]
/u/xIAmSpartacusx
Horse posters. Stay away from the ones with horse posters.
There she sat with horsey binders -

Tiny pics of bridle-blinders;
Pony posters, saddle-sliders;
Magazines of steeds and riders;
Shots of halters, straps and stables;
Martingales and reins and cables;
Photo frames of foals and fillies;
Art of manes entwined with lilies -
There she sat and waited, staring,
Looking up and thus declaring:
You must be my date? she started.
. . . Nope, I said and so, departed.
99
#951 What makes a girl creepy?
2016-06-09 00:16:47
/u/ThiefInDaNight
[removed]
/u/Distant Past
Carving your name in her arm.
They crossed her arm in gouges, grazed

With cuts of crimson red -
My darling, look, she whispered, dazed:
I wrote your name, she said.
And there it was - a shape of shame;

A ghastly sight to see.
Thats lovely dear, but all the same:
Its Steven. . . with a V.
#950 Who were One Hit Wonders in their respective

industry outside of music?
2016-06-07 00:39:17
/u/WellimDevin
/u/DrPorzingis
Dong Nguyen, the creator of Flappy Bird, couldnt handle the fame that came with the
success of the game. He pretty much quit the biz. Not sure if he got back into it or not.
/u/Adolf- -Hitler
From what I recall he earned enough money to never have to work again. Id be happy
to just quit the biz and live out the rest of my life rich and happy.
/u/LDM95
Think he was earning 50k a day. That is a lot of money.
100
/u/fadetoblack1004
Yep $50k a day in ad revenue.
/u/Ijeko
And he made a ridiculously frustrating game that nobody in their right mind really wants
to play again after failing so many times in a row. Which makes making that much money
even more impressive
Alright, he spoke; okay, he sighed:

You made yourself a game.
But whats the price of honest pride,
And joy in place of shame?
Your games a means to grind and fail,

Devoid of skill, sublime!
A sorry quest; a woeful tale
Of thwarted, wasted time!
He slowly, sadly shook his head:

And whats the price of art?
The other thought a while, and said:
Its fifty grand, to start.
#949 Who were One Hit Wonders in their respective

industry outside of music?
2016-06-06 22:27:58
/u/WellimDevin
/u/sharknado3
John Wilkes Booth
101
When Johnny B performed a plan

To murder Lincolns hat -
A witness said: Good Heavens, man!
Youre never topping that.
#948 What is the most inappropriate situation in which

you couldnt control your laughter?
2016-06-06 22:10:53
/u/obsessed2809
/u/justlove11
Wed just laid my uncle to rest and had a little silent moment on his grave. Cue ice cream
truck.
/u/obsessed2809
That was cold
We heard a joyful jingle play

The strangest parting hymn -
And then we shared a smile that day.
Except for Uncle Tim.
#947 What do people often underestimate?

2016-06-05 17:28:38
/u/TheLuchsKing
/u/AtreidesMedia
The power a kind word can have on another person.
102
/u/SlickLogoGuy
Created a logo for your kind word therapy clinic! http://i.imgur.com/FBaSSrV.png
When I was young, and full of doubt,

And half-afraid of school -
I didnt have it figured out.
I wasnt hip, or cool.
I never really found a way -

But A.M. understood.
Youre A-okay, they thought to say:
And livings looking good.
They took my hand and helped me see,

And when I lay in bed -
I slowly smiled a smile for me.
Its looking good, I said.
Thanks AMTherapy!
#946 What do people often underestimate?

2016-06-05 15:59:19
/u/TheLuchsKing
/u/wjbc
Confirmation bias. Not the same as stupidity, brilliant people can be just as prone to
seek support for their preexisting beliefs as stupid people. And brilliant people may be
better at it, and just as blind to it.
103
Its nonsense and drivel! They made a mistake!

Theres thousands of papers that prove that its fake!
Theres only a single that states what you read!
She lunged for the latter. I knew it! she said.
#945 Muhammad Ali, The Greatest of All Time, Dead

at 74
2016-06-04 07:13:33
/u/Fernmelder
[Link]
Never forgotten, and never behind -

Always remembered, and always in mind.
Man, he was something amazing to see.
Floats like a butterfly. Stings like a bee.
#944 What is something that once you start noticing it,

you cannot stop?
2016-06-03 16:36:42
/u/svesrujm
[removed]
/u/speed dog
The ampersand. Its actually a little guy, rubbing his ass on the floor. Hes dragging
himself forward with his arms, and keeps his legs up. Look : &
104
Ample ampersands, he started,

Tiny and s, he thus imparted,
Little signs, he whispered lightly,
Studied daily, tested nightly,
Tightly held and watched intently,
Closely checked, he noticed gently,
Really seem, he muttered mellow:
. . . like a tiny scooting fellow.
#943 What is something that once you start noticing it,

you cannot stop?
2016-06-03 16:14:06
/u/svesrujm
[removed]
/u/funzo1031
All the people that have the exact same car as yourself.
While on my way to work in town,

I stopped beside his ride -
He waved and wound his window down,
And winked an eye with pride:
What up?! he spoke, and shook his head.

I bid the man hello.
Weve got the same machine, he said -
Thats fucking sweet, you know?!
Stay breezy, bro! I heard him say.

He left me there, alone.
I watched him swiftly speed away,
And whispered: . . . get your own.
105
#942 Whats okay to believe in your 20s, but just dies o
in your 30s?
2016-06-02 08:54:29
/u/The pinto mobile
/u/laterdude
Friendship never ends.

In your twenties, its friends for life. In your thirties, thats a shitty Spice Girls song.
/u/UndevelopedImage
Im only in my mid 20s, and already have learned to accept that most people in your life
are just passing through. You change, they change, life circumstances change. . . Just
have to accept it and move on.
Remember what we used to do,

And how it used to be?
I always knew to count on you,
And you, depend on me.
I guess we drifted out of touch -

But thats the thing, they say.
Its not that friendships end, as such.
They simply. . . slip away.
#941 What is something Im better o not knowing?

2016-06-01 17:57:05
/u/Fawesum
[removed]
/u/juiceboxheero
Dr. Suess cheated on his wife who was dying of cancer, which caused her to commit
suicide. This is her suicide note:
Dear Ted, What has happened to us? I dont know. I feel myself in a spiral, going down
106
down down, into a black hole from which there is no escape, no brightness. And loud
in my ears from every side I hear, failure, failure, failure. . . I love you so much . . . I
am too old and enmeshed in everything you do and are, that I cannot conceive of life
without you . . . My going will leave quite a rumor but you can say I was overworked
and overwrought. Your reputation with your friends and fans will not be harmed . . .
Sometimes think of the fun we had all thru the years . . .
/u/chuckDontSurf
Youre right, I was better o not knowing this.
My darling, it started: my dearest, she wrote:

I leave you with nothing except for this note.
Ive only my life and my love and my doubt.
I will not live with you. I wont live without.
#940 Hey Reddit, what are some of your favorite etiquette

rules?
2016-05-31 22:09:05
/u/aint that a bitch
/u/Jun snow
So many people dont seem to follow this simple rule.

Close your frickin mouth when eating.
107
It whirled and curled and swirled and twirled,

And curved and swerved and slushed -
It stirred and slowed and ebbed and flowed,
And fused, abused, and crushed.
It rolled and hooped and loop the looped,

And lifted, shifted, churned -
It slopped and sloshed and splattered, squashed,
And waved, depraved, and turned.
I stared transfixed. It mixed betwixt,

And tumbled, north and south.
I shook my head and slowly said:
For Christs sake - close your mouth.
#939 Whats something that took you way too long to

realize?
2016-05-31 19:10:24
/u/Imagine Baggins
/u/Callaisla
No one cares. I constantly worry that Im too fat, my boobs are too small, I look stupid
at the gym if I dont know what Im doing, maybe Im not performing my absolute best
at work because Ive been a bit depressed. . . And as such, everyone is going to think
Im fat, stupid and useless. No one cares. Everyone is, for the most part, busy worrying
about their own issues. No one pays attention to me the way my worrisome brain seems
to think they do. Ive never once just looked at someone at the gym and thought what
an idiot, he clearly doesnt know how to do prone leg curls the RIGHT way or someone
who was overweight and thought what a useless sack of shit for no reason. I have
NEVER looked at another woman and thought her boobs are so small, thats awful. I
highly doubt EVERYONE who sees me is thinking the things Im so fretful they are. No
one cares. Not in that way anyway. And once you realize that, you can stop worrying
and start properly caring. Feelsgoodman.png
Edit: A few people have thanked me for helping them realize that others arent as focused
on their flaws as they thought as well and Im really happy to hear that! It was a comment
on Reddit some years ago that actually helped me start that line of thinking for myself,
too :) comes full circle hehe. And for the ones saying I do look at people and judge them
based on those things sorry fam, to each their own, but Im happy the majority dont
think like that. I can shrug o the few who do :3 OH and thank you for the goldies :D
108
/u/JustF-nGo
I sometimes take time out of my day to care about random people. Not the way you
described tho, just like, practicing empathy. I try to soak in as much as I can gather
about a person without making too many assumptions, and just try to appreciate the
fact that they are another human being with worries and fears. It kinda makes me feel
closer to them, especially if I reflect on the things in my life that make us similar, or ways
that I wish I was like them.
It helps remind me that were all in this together
Edit: thanks for the good vibes everyone. We all grok
I often wonder who they are,

The folks that pass me by -
A busy street; a moving car;
A strangers chancing eye.
I wonder what they think of worth,

And if theyre how they seem -
The thoughts that fill their lonely Earth -
The dreams they dare to dream.
I wonder if theyre really who

They always hoped to be.
I wonder if they wonder too -
And think the same of me.
#938 Professionals in any field of work, what is the most

ridiculous thing that anyone outside of your profession has
claimed to know more about than you?
2016-05-30 23:20:44
/u/phoenix-fyre
/u/rideaspiral
I work in tax policy. One time on Reddit someone tried to prove I was wrong about tax
policy by citing a report I wrote.
109
/u/JumboJellybean
Similarly, I loved this programmer on Reddit angrily telling someone to go read their own
source code.
/u/Samura1 I3
Holy shit that is too good.
Consult the source, he said and sighed,

With smug, conceited sass -
He shrugged his shoulders, satisfied,
And grinned with self-important pride,
Until, that is, the next replied,
And handed back his ass.

2016-05-30 16:51:52
/u/phoenix-fyre
/u/Fuego pants
Am a family lawyer. Cant even tell you how many times Ive had a client argue with
me about child support. Client gets mad because their brother/friend/coworker/whoever
had a much lower child support payment so it isnt fair and obviously I fucked up the
calculation. No, jackass. Yours is higher because you make more than your friend and
your kids are in daycare. Ive been doing this for many years and the calculation is
done by a computer. Im not using tea leaves and an abacus to calculate your support
payments.
Edit - hey! I got gilded! First time, and its not even a post about something embarrassing.
Woot!! Thanks!
Also, to everyone asking questions about how child support works, please understand I
cant give you any real advice. I dont know where you live or how the law works there.
Go see a lawyer where you live for real answers. I will try to answer the questions with
a general type of answer. Thats all I can give you.
Edit 2 - okay, yall, I get it - an abacus is a legitimate calculation tool if you know how
to use it. I dont.
110
Edit 3 - to be clear, I always explain the way child support is calculated and show the
math to clients. My problem is not with people asking questions - I am totally open to
questions and am happy to answer any questions a client may have. It is with clients
refusing to believe I know what I am doing.
He stood at his cauldron, and added a bat -

The eye of a dragon; the claw of a cat -
And there, by the glow of the moon in the night,
He stirred his concoction and laughed with delight!
Oh sages of silence; oh funeral fates:

I work for your pleasure! Your servant awaits!
Imbue me with knowledge, and help me to know -
Command me, oh spirits of wisdom and woe!
And then, with a shudder and shake of his head,

He stared at the potion to see what it said.
How is it? his client had mumbled and moaned -
He rose from the darkness, and whispered: . . . youre boned.

2016-05-30 15:20:51
/u/phoenix-fyre
/u/Fost2527
My SO is an MD.
One word.
0.2 Antivaxxers
111
When Little Timmy went to school

And mastered one to nine,
He thought the other kids were cool,
And every class divine.
He painted shapes in red and blue,

And drew in curves and bends -
And by the time the day was through,
Hed made a hundred friends!
Im pals with Pete, and Mike, and Max!

He told his pa with pride.
But Timmys folks were anti-vax.
#935 What non-sexual skill is a pretty good indicator of

sexual skill?
2016-05-28 00:24:50
/u/averykrouse
/u/MrV2121
Ive always found that girls who ride horses regularly can also ride other things very well.
Though, them bitches be cray.
/u/Suspendedskinnykid
Horse girls are crazy cat ladies with money.

Hey thanks for the gold!
/u/Keep-reefer-illegal
They love that horse more than they will love you
/u/theluggagekerbin
the trick is to not compete with the horse but compliment complement its horsiness with
yours
112
/u/King Desmond
That really is the key to a stable relationship.

*Edit: I appreciate the gold but this isnt my first rodeo.
I told her, before we were finished and through,

That I could be horsey and passionate too.
It seemed to be working. I savoured the gains.
She saddled me up, and she rode me with reins.
#934 What non-sexual skill is a pretty good indicator of

sexual skill?
2016-05-27 20:58:55
/u/averykrouse
/u/HAPiper
If you can talk about sex frankly without blushing or getting self-conscious. You will
never get your needs met or be able to meet your partners needs if you cant even discuss
what those needs are.
/u/JoeyJoJoJrShabado
I need to put my pee-pee in her wee-wee. Its really not that complex, see.
/u/robbysaur
I broke up with a guy, because whenever he would talk about something sexual, or moan,
he would pretty much become a four-year-old. I would kiss his neck, and he would be
like, ohhhhh now I want you to suck my pee-pee. He did it every time too. I hoped it
would go away, but after like the third time I was done. He was 24. How you get to that
point thinking that is sexy is way the hell beyond me.
113
Thats it! he said, and sighed with joy,

And pleasure-filled delight:
I need to be your special boy,
And youre the mom tonight!
I want you on the crib, he groaned,

And groped and grinned and sighed.
My pee-pees hard, he writhed and moaned,
Come play with me! he cried.
I want to touch your special place!

He crawled across the bed.
I want your foo-foo on my face!
Were breaking up, I said.
#933 What phrase or sentence can someone say to make

you completely lose your respect for that person?
2016-05-26 17:45:17
/u/Alsic
/u/pastacosta
Im not cleaning up the mess that I made, thats the custodians job
/u/Klakson 95
ugh my flatmate.
Flatmate: drops cheese on floor, looks at cheese, walks away from said cheese
Me: Are you going to pick that up?
Flatmate: If it bothers you then you should do it, it doesnt bother me
/u/TheVictorsValiant
Shit in his bed.

Ew dude, gross! Why would you do that, clean it up!
Hey man if it bothers you, you should do it. Not bothering me.
114
/u/AyoBruh
Kill his family.

Wait, what point are we trying to prove?
Its only cheese! my friend replied,

And slowly shook his head -
But if it makes you mad, he sighed,
Then clean it up! he said.
I didnt fret; we didnt fight;

I wasnt sore or sad.
I let it ride, until the night
I ate his mom and dad.
#932 Guys of Reddit, what sort of compliments do you

love receiving?
2016-05-25 23:18:56
/u/legitToss
/u/TomBombadilOnASegway
Any of them.
pls give me attention
Edit: Thanks stranger! I have now gotten my first gold by literally begging for attention.
Never change reddit.
srsly tho I feel validated now
115
My dearest Tom - my hope, my heart;

My fairest, finest friend -
Its hard to choose a place to start,
And even worse to end.
I might describe your sense of style -

Your intellect; your wit.
Your constant charm; your splendid smile;
Your strength; your soul; your grit.
I might direct an eager eye

Towards the finest face -
A laugh, the sweetest summers sigh;
A voice, the gift of grace.
But words alone are bound to miss,

And cant describe it true -
Youre more than that. Youre more than this.
Youre simply, sweetly. . . you.
#931 Teachers, what was the best smart-ass response from

a student you have heard?
2016-05-25 22:30:10
/u/jezhang69
/u/MrVulgarity
We had a teacher that would always threaten to phone our home if we were misbehaving.
Which she promptly stopped after: Teacher: What would your mother say if I called
home right now? Student: She would say hello.
/u/improbablewobble
I wasnt in the class but my buddy swears that one time his history teacher called a
students mother because he was sleeping in class. He said the teacher got all the parents
numbers at the beginning of the year. I went to a mostly black school, and evidently this
kid had one of those stern black moms. Anyway, the teacher doesnt say a word to the
kid, whos asleep. He quietly told the mom he was sleeping in class and would she like
to have a word with him about that. He holds the cell phone to the kids ear and she
fucking GOES OFF. My buddy said you could hear her across the room. That poor kid
spent the rest of the day walking the Green Mile.
116
/u/skyvex1
I can imagine that black moms voice right now.
/u/weealex
BOY, HAVE YOU LOST YO DAMN MIND?! WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING IN
CLASS?! I WORK MYSELF TO THE BONE SO YOU CAN GET YOURSELF AN ED-
UCATION AND YOU SLEEP THROUGH IT?!! LORD JESUS GIVE ME STRENGTH.
IF YOU CANT GIVE ME A FUNCTIONAL DEMONSTRATION OF A MANDEL-
BROT SET WHEN YOU GET HOME, IMA TAN YOUR HIDE.
/u/LookingForBearFacts
LORD JESUS GIVE ME STRENGTH. IF YOU CANT GIVE ME A FUNC-

TIONAL DEMONSTRATION OF A MANDELBROT SET WHEN YOU
GET HOME, IMA TAN YOUR HIDE
Goddamn if I didnt laugh out loud at that shit.
The Mandelbrot set, he epitomised, pained,

Pertains to the function of c, he explained.
Its bounded in value, he whispered with woe.
She stared at him silent, then added: Fo sho
#930 What is something that, as far as you know, only

you do?
2016-05-24 01:49:51
/u/dclark086
/u/Braden0732
I have an active fantasy roster of retail and service workers I have encountered in my
town who I will be drafting to my business once I make it a reality. I dont know what
business I would operate, but I have spent hours cataloging my ideal fantasy work force.
The meat guy from Ralphs has some serious hustle and I can tell he gives it 100% at his
job even though he hates it? Hes drafted, poaching him day 1.
That server at the cafe that always goes the extra mile by oering my girlfriend cracked
pepper on her salad? Fantasy drafted.
117
The girl at the car wash who is doing homework between cars but always smiles and
does her best to make small talk even though she is crunching for finals? Put her on the
fantasy roster.
My dream is to somehow come into a ton of money, start a business and walk up to each
of these people and tell them to quit their jobs and come work for me. I would double
their pay and put them through college because I know they bust ass, even if they dont
think anyone was noticing.
Your change, he spoke, and slipped a dime

Across the counter-top:
I think about you all the time,
I said, and left the shop.
#929 Whats a dead giveaway that someone has come

from money?
2016-05-24 01:28:21
/u/Harborcoat84
/u/DaughterEarth
They always act surprised when a person cant aord something or has the cheaper
version. Its not callous either, and thats the dead giveaway. They clearly just cannot
imagine such a reality.
At least this is what I observed being the poor kid with rich friends (mom was big on the
company you keep motto).
An example: my FIL agrees to help fix my trunk. Spends the entire time talking about
how cheap and crappy my car is, clearly zero awareness that its the most expensive thing
I had ever owned.
118
You dont understand it, I answered with gall:

I cant buy another - its this, and thats all!
I dont have the money to purchase it new!
I dont have the wealth and the wages of you!
It isnt a question of personal fault -

I dont have security stored in a vault!
I dont have a limo! I dont have a boat!
I dont have a manor house built with a moat!
I dont have provisions maturing in trust!

Im basically bankrupt! I cried with disgust.
He stared at me speechless and held up his hand:
Youre right, he responded: . . . I dont understand.
#928 What was cool in 5000 B.C. thats still cool now?
2016-05-22 21:43:09
/u/n0th3rThr0waway
/u/otisthetowndrunk
Pyramid schemes
You mean a scheme designed to find

A dozen new recruits?
A shady swindle, sealed and signed,
By frauds in lousy suits?
A crafty little counterfeit?

A multi-level scam?
To capture those devoid of wit,
Or apt to fall for sham?
A callous con? he sadly said -

A load of dodgy deals?
The Pharoah sighed and shook his head:
A pyramid - for reals.
119
#927 What was cool in 5000 B.C. thats still cool now?
2016-05-22 19:48:58
/u/n0th3rThr0waway
/u/snezima23
ICE AND/OR WATER
Some say that what is cool is ice,

Some say fire lost.
From what Ive known as neat and nice,
I hold with those who favour ice,
And yet I know enough of heat
To say that fire, for all its cost,
Is just as sweet
And cool as Frost.
#926 What would like to see happen in your lifetime?

2016-05-22 18:33:40
/u/PopeXIII
/u/Master of Goats
Aliens contacting us.
/u/Andromeda321
Astronomer here! Contacting us is too much of a wild card to speculate, but it is incredibly
likely that we will know at least if life exists on other planets in the next decade or two.
This is because extrasolar planet studies has gotten to the point where you can even detect
chemical compositions in atmospheres, and if you find some they are dead giveaways for
life. The reason this is boring to many though is this doesnt tell you if said life is a
bacterium or a civilization far ahead of us, usually.
I personally think life is likely to be discovered elsewhere similar to how water was dis-
covered on Mars- at first some evidence that doesnt convince many, then more and more
as time goes on so the truth is not disputed. This is, after all, how most of science goes!
But its not very Hollywood for most people.
120
It started with sighting the trace of a sign;

A reasonable reason; a logical line.
A motion; a notion; a hint of a clue -
And wasnt accepted. . . until it was true.
#925 Weve heard of disaster weddings, but have you ever

attended a disaster funeral? What happened?
2016-05-21 19:49:10
/u/zeromig
[removed]
/u/edent
My grandfather died. The funeral was a solemn aair, as these things usually are. My
grandmother, naturally, was distraught. Theyd married during the war, hed been cap-
tured and sent to a POW camp, they then spent over fifty blissful years together.
We were chatting about my grandfather with her - laughing, crying, reminiscing - when
entirely out of the blue she said, One thing I wont miss is sleeping next to him. He
always rolled over and nearly pushed me out of bed!
A few years later she died as well. Its hard to carry on when the life you knew for
half-a-century has been ripped apart.
As per her wishes, she was to be buried next to her husband. We dutifully trudged down
to the cemetery, held a small ceremony, and escorted her body to the grave.
The double-headstone had already been half-filled with my grandfathers details. Un-
derneath the blank half, a six-foot deep hole lay waiting. We slowly lowered my grand-
mothers con in.
It didnt fit.
There wasnt enough room in the grave for the bloody con!
Despite being dug on the correct side of the grave, somehow my grandfathers con had
conspired to shift under the earth and encroached on my grandmothers side.
The mourning party excused ourselves from the graveside while adjustments were made.
All of us giggling about how granddad had rolled over in his sleep again.
Well, it was preferable to thinking the gravediggers were too stupid to dig a correctly
sized hole in the ground!
121
When grandpa softly slipped away,

With grandma close behind -
He snagged her side again that day,
But granny didnt mind.
:)
#924 What would you want 2 of but not 3?

2016-05-19 18:42:35
/u/RealLifeMun
/u/SeriouslyJustJoking
I am happy with my testicle situation. . .
A testicle, he said and sighed:

A bollock, friends; a ball -
A testicle, he testified,
Is rather weak to all.
That soft and fleshy underthing

That hangs and bumps below -
That softly sways, and swaying, swings -
Is sort of frail, you know?
Of course, my friend, its clear to see

It forms a perfect pair -
But all the same, it seems to me
We really need a spare.
122
#923 What would you want 2 of but not 3?
2016-05-19 18:15:20
/u/RealLifeMun
/u/(deleted user)
parents.
/u/petersutcli
I always figured 3 parents wouldve been a perfect figure. If like you had parents that
were in a 3 way relationship all getting along. Extra income, more chance of one of them
being able to do something with you, help with homework etc.
Edit: Well thanks guys, I threw this idea out as a random thought and a lot of you have
said it actually works pretty damn well. Something Im seriously going to look into!
/u/TalkingFromTheToilet
I really never thought of how more than two parents would work out but this sounds
awesome. Lets start a 3 parent cult!
Though other folks enjoy their two,

Ive found that only more will do -
Another mum; a second ma;
A further father, extra pa.
My friend you see, as I have three,

That someones always there for me -
For when Im lost, and when Im sad.
I love my mom and dad and dad.
#922 What absolutely fascinates you and why?

2016-05-18 16:31:33
/u/AmadeusCrumb
123
/u/Thebeckmane
Serial killers. Im absolutely horrified by the things they are able to do and I think they
are awful. But It fascinates me seeing what lead to their crimes and what makes them
dierent from regular people.
I cant resist an eerie truth -

A twisted tale with teeth -
The myths of misbegotten youth -
The dark that lies beneath.
I cant resist the call to see

Beyond the death and dust -
The morbid curiosity -
The riveting disgust.
A lurid line - a bloody book -

A word of guilt and guile -
I cant resist the chance to look . . .
For just a little while.
#921 What Truth are people not ready to face?

2016-05-17 18:53:08
/u/ClassicChris92
/u/jarredkh
Maybe my country/faith/beliefs isnt the best/right in the world. . .
/u/Stockholm-Syndrom
Sure they arent, they are not mine.
124
Whatever space or place you be -

Whatever life youve known -
Whats true for you is not for me:
To each, my friend, their own.
No matter wisdom, age, or youth,

Or how you choose to test -
Youll never really find the truth.
Except that mines the best.
#920 This kid doesnt need no console to have fun

2016-05-17 15:10:39
/u/GallowBoob
[Link]
/u/HowDamnOriginal
I love how he clearly knows what hes in for
/u/Pharrun
This aint his first pig rodeo.
/u/Terleif
http://i.imgur.com/DaGBc84.gifv
/u/ANGRY TURTLE ARRGH
Mama pig will fuck you up
/u/fuckyoubullshitter
Their bites can be worse than a dog. It will fuck you up.
125
Little Piggy, unprotected -

Little Piggy, missed -
Mama Piggys unexpected.
. . . Mama Piggys pissed.
#919 What are you willing to over pay for?

2016-05-16 22:53:50
/u/KentuckyFriedWeed
/u/andupitt
Tattoos from an artist that knows what theyre doing.
Perhaps, if something seems amiss,

Or when you spell it looks like this -
If this and this are good to you,
Or that and this and this one too -
If all of this is A-okay,
And this delightful, night and day -
If this is fine, and this is swell,
And this, and this, and this as well -
If this, my friend, is sweet to see -
I will not let you draw on me.
#918 Parents on Reddit, what was the most embarrassing

moment for you caused by your children?
2016-05-16 19:34:53
/u/TrademarcVlogz
126
/u/iammonkeybutter
When my daughter was 4, we went to a local food pantry to pick up my friend who
volunteered there. We were early, so we sat in the waiting area.
She started noticing people coming out with bags of food, and whined loudly: Mama,
Im so hungry! Noticing the woman at the check-in desk had heard, I smiled at my devil
spawn and said, No youre not. You just ate. Now shh.
But Maamaa, Im soooo hungryyy I shushed her again. This only led her to whine
louder. Mama, please get me some food like those people! Im SO HUNGRY!!!
At this point, the lady from the desk came over and said to me, Would you like to sign
in? We have plenty of food for you. I smiled and told her no thank you, that we were
only waiting for a friend. During this short conversation, my little cooch fruit kept up
little whining noises, interspersed with whispers of so hungry.
The woman obviously believed Satan Junior was starving, ignoring her pudgy little arms
and squishy cheeks. She laid her hand on my arm and in her most you have nothing to
be ashamed of voice said, You have nothing to be ashamed of. Lets get you signed in.
I smiled thinly, and told the woman We are fine. Im just waiting for my friend who
volunteers here. My daughter isnt hungry. I just fed her eggs and toast not half an hour
ago.
To which my crotch dropping replied VERY loudly, NU-UH!! I aint had nun but
bread an butter for FREE DAYS!!!!!
The woman immediately turned around and walked through the door behind her desk,
and returned a few moments later with six bags full of food on a cart. She walked directly
to the door and demanded that I show her the way to my car. She wouldnt let me get
a word in to tell her how unnecessary it was. She just kept interrupting me with which
car?
I finally sighed loudly and walked her to my car and watched her load the backseat with
groceries while my sexually transmitted disease danced about happily, singing, Thank
you SO MUCH lady! I love you! Thank you for the fooooooood!
At this point, my friend finally came out of the building and walked to the car. I was
very relieved, and told her, Michelle! Thank GOD. Please let this kind woman know
that we have plenty of food at my house, and that this isnt necessary!
At which point Michelle immediately picked up my child and held her close and said, with
a wicked gleam in her eye, Now, iammonkeybutter, I told you we could help. Just let
go of your pride and let us help you!
The desk lady placed the last bag in the car and slammed the door in triumph, smiled
at me and turned to hand the traitor child a box of cupcakes and told her, Here you go,
precious. You can eat now. and walked away as I stood trying to glare burning holes
into my so-called friend and daughter.
*edit: spelling
edit: Holy crap, people! Instead of replying to comments, here you go:
The nicknames: I always introduced her as my spawn. As she got older, she started
begging me to stop calling her that. So I started calling her my crotch dropping. When
she complained, I moved on to my cooch fruit, and it just continued until she gave up
complaining and asked me to go back to spawn.
The food: Michelle took the food back into the pantry before we left, except for the
cupcakes, which were welded to the demons hands, so we let her keep them.
The gold: Thank you, random Redditor!
127
The truth: Yes, this really happened. No, I dont know what kind of information
the food pantry needed (I assume proof of address, as that is what most around here
want), but the desk lady apparently decided my starving child trumped her need for
information.
The poem: Holy crap, thank you, /u/Poem for your sprog I feel honored
She sat alone inside her room,

And held a tiny toy -
And in the shaded, growing gloom,
Prepared the perfect ploy.
She crafted, planned, and practiced lines -

She studied, sketched, and schemed -
Finagled, fixed, and formed designs,
Devised, connived, and dreamed.
At last, she paused to write a note,

And grinned with ghastly mirth:
Step 1 - obtain free food, she wrote.
Step 2, she said: The Earth.
#917 Redditors who look forward to working on Mondays:

What is your job, and why do you enjoy it?
2016-05-16 18:44:26
/u/yentzayenta
/u/Jaded IT Guy
I recently changed my schedule to 4 10 hour shifts. I work Friday thru Monday, so today
is kinda my friday and that makes me happy
/u/Irememberedmypw
You lucky bastard.
/u/Jaded IT Guy
Having 3 casual fridays makes it all worth it. Plus missing the shit storm that is the
middle of the week
128
/u/Bamboozle
I would kill for this. I loathe dress clothes, especially the shoes.
/u/Mr-Nancy
Switched jobs from where I wore a suit and tie everyday to a job where I can wear cut-o
jean shorts without anybody raising an eyebrow. It was worth the pay cut.
Edit: Both jobs are me being an attorney, but I moved from a traditional firm to a
software company. Yes, Im wearing jean shorts right now.
Edit 2: Damn, lots of jort haters.
It was worth the pay cut.
He turned up in denims that stopped at the knees!

He turned up in turn-ups and tanks-tops and tees!
He turned up in khakis! He turned up in caps!
He turned up in panties and chinos and chaps!
How perfectly perfect, he called with a cry -

How splendidly splendid, he said with a sigh -
How scrumptiously scrumptious, he jumped, overjoyed -
How pleasingly pleasing - to be unemployed.
#916 What are some weird, real life X-files type myster-
ies?
2016-05-14 18:48:43
/u/Sadlyalone
/u/gentleman bronco
The Eilean Mor Lighthouse

TL;DR: People disappeared
EDIT: Yes there are a few logical reasons for this to occur. This is the idea of almost
every X-Files episode: A logical and paranormal explanation for the same event.
/u/hansn
the door to the lighthouse was unlocked
If I were living in a lighthouse on a remote and otherwise uninhabited rocky island in the
129
Outer Hebrides in the early 20th Century, I probably wouldnt bother routinely locking
my door either. I feel like the probability of break ins is pretty low.
Edit:Spelling
/u/RealLifeFry
I describe PTSD to people in a way similar to this. It makes you feel like you want to
lock your door even if you lived on a deserted island.
/u/pizzanice
Shit. That really drove home how scary PTSD must be for victims.
/u/RealLifeFry
I check my windows, doors, and closet every night. I wake up in the middle of the night
convinced someone is standing over me. Luckily I live in a state that has legal marijuana
and I have used that to help out. Works better then any prescription drug the VA has
given me. Only way I can get 6 hours of sleep a night. If you know anyone who suers
from it through the any traumatic event, let them know youre there for them. Didnt
mean to make this long but I am very passionate with PTSD especially with veterans.
Its in the way the evening falls.

Its in the waste of night.
The sudden cries, the rushing calls
Of clouded birds in flight.
Its in the silence stowed away

Behind an open door.
Its in the dark, and in the day,
And in the rest, and more.
Its in the things you think you see.

The old familiar fear.
A shadows standing over me.
It helps to know youre here.
130
#915 Morning people of Reddit, what makes you get up
so early?
2016-05-14 18:15:57
/u/thefrozen one
/u/RoboticHam
My kids driving a fire truck across my face.

EDIT: to clear the confusion, my kids are both under 5 years old and the fire truck in
question is a toy. They are NOT fire fighters who drive an actual fire truck in or near my
bedroom in the morning.
She watched it curve and swoop and swerve -

It looped the lumpy land!
It turned and twirled and whipped and whirled,
And curled in spirals planned!
Its sirens blared and boldly aired -

Its signals flared and flashed!
It hurried forth, and hurdled north,
And dipped and drove and dashed!
It raced and crossed and chased and tossed -

It frolicked, lost in space!
And when, at last, the journey passed. . .
It parked on daddys face.
#914 Look at the last text you sent. These are now the
words on your gravestone. What does yours say?
2016-05-12 22:12:18
/u/BassNotBombs
[removed]
/u/ChickFishing
Mum im lost
131
You told me be fearless, be strong, and be brave -

But momma, its lonely this side of the grave.
The songbirds are silent. The colors are gray.
I want to come home, but I cant find the way.
#913 What is something we underappreciate?

2016-05-12 17:11:44
/u/ClosetedImperialist
/u/baardvark
Consistently well stocked grocery stores
Bananas in baskets and chestnuts in chests!

Containers of pheasants and fillets and breasts!
A bucket of bacon! A mountain of rice!
A fountain of flavours to savour with spice!
Potatoes and cookies and carrots and fish!

Tomatoes for dinner, to dine on a dish!
A thousand selections to taste and to try!
Its basically empty, she said with a sigh.
#912 What do you *NEVER* fuck with?

2016-05-10 16:19:54
/u/TheDiggityDoink
The police K9 unit.

If they are chasing you and they bring out the dogs: give up. Those titanium-toothed
Belgian malinois have literally been training on fake targets and Michelin Man-looking
132
guys their lives, so when they get a chance to actually go after someone they will do
so with a zeal indescribable in the English language. They will stop you, that much is
without question. The only question is whether you are brought in with a giant chunk
taken out of your ass or not. Choice is yours.
If you are being chased by police who brought out the K9 unit, know this: you WILL
be caught and arrested. Its up to you whether you are arrested with minimal long-term
discomfort.
The choice is whether youre arrested with a chunk of your ass miss-
ing or not.
Come softly, lad, he slowly spoke -

No need to run, he said.
Were all a bunch of friendly folk.
Be clever - use your head.
Now dont be sad - you should be glad!

You get a choice tonight.
Be taken in by us, me lad,
Or by this beasties bite.
Its chains were taut - they stretched and spun,

And clinked and clanked and clunk.
The other swiftly turned to run,
And cried: I choose the chunk!
#911 What do you *NEVER* fuck with?

2016-05-10 15:03:03
/u/lemaao
Electricity. That shit will fuck you up. People dont understand what kind of forces are
in play, but it is ridiculous how dangerous it can be.
133
Should you choose to DIY,

NBD, but FYI:
Foolish folks are DOA.
AKA: be careful, K?
#910 What kind of people do you absolutely despise?

2016-05-08 16:42:43
/u/randomaatti
/u/cold in the south
People who can never, ever be on time. They always have an excuse or just laugh about
it. Ive quit being friends with people because of that.
My aunt is one of those people. Shes gonna be late for her own funeral.
My Uncle Nate is always late -

We idle by,
And watch, and wait.
He died last week
at sixty-eight -
And now hes late
late Uncle Nate.
#909 What is never a good idea?

2016-05-07 15:24:31
/u/Dark Vengence
/u/AMvariety
Doing the thing that comes after you say hey everyone watch this
134
Come one! Come all! Come heed the call!

Come look, come stand, come see -
Before your eyes, a sweet surprise
Devised and made by me!
A stirring feat! A rousing treat!

An act of awe and might!
A feast of joy! The perfect ploy
To pique and prompt delight!
Observe amazed! Discover, dazed,

The wonders held ahead -
Watch this! he cried, and grinned with pride.
And that was all he said.
#908 What will be the turns out cigarettes are bad for
us. of our generation?
2016-05-07 01:58:54
/u/gralindsay
/u/tehmlem
Our living and working habits. The incredible population density of our cities and sub-
urban living spaces exacerbates stress and conflict from any source. As for work, its not
the hours, its the culture. It seems like most people in America are working without any
sense of investment in their community and without any hope of loyalty or worthwhile
reward from their employer. Without these, work is a soul draining, body wrecking en-
deavor. You need to be engaged and invested in your work or all youre doing is selling
pieces of your life and no one feels good about that. The confusion about the mental
health crisis in America seems to stem from a refusal to consider these factors as valid
sources of anxiety and ennui.
Edit: to those who just learned the word ennui: its pronounced on-we (roughly). I spent
years looking like an ass because I never bothered to look up the pronunciation. Dont
be like me.
Edit 2: There are three themes in the comments I want to respond to without typing a
hundred dierent comments.
1) Many of the responses seem to boil down to Im pleased with the situation, so
why are you unhappy? If youve done well for yourself and carved out a life thats
rewarding, Im glad for you! That said, your satisfaction is not my satisfaction. Nor
is it a consolation to the millions of Americans who are living desperate, miserable
135
lives.
2) Yes, things used to be worse. No, thats not a reason to not want them to get better.
3) My point regarding population density was not intended as a commentary on the

proximity of your neighbors. My point is that there is such a massive population
that our mode of interaction has changed. The presence of 318 million other people
(sorry rest of the world, Im using USA numbers for this point) requires impersonal
interactions and higher barriers to intimacy. This sustained pattern of protective
withdrawal is, in my opinion, a huge driver of social isolation and unhealthy rela-
tionships.
I made a measly, meagre fee,

With hasty, wasted breath -
And by the time Id time for me,
Id worked myself to death.
#907 Whats something all grown women should know

about men ?
2016-05-06 17:32:43
/u/FocusMore
/u/vipros42
If you bring us problems we will oer solutions. That is our way of showing that we have
listened and that we care.
edit: holy crap, someone gilded this? thanks anonymous stranger!
edit again: triple gold, well fuck me!
also, for clarity: I have a great relationship with my wife, and listen to her problems
oering solutions when they are asked for. For the purposes of this thread I have been
playing devils advocate.
/u/AlphaAgain
THIS ONE.
THIS IS THE WINNER!
I cant begin to say how many times my SOs in the past have gotten pissy because I
didnt just, listen to what they were saying, but always had to oer some advice they
didnt want.
News flash.
136
Men do not work that way. We will not discuss a problem without discussing a solution.
/u/vipros42
if you read the opposite version of this question, what should men know about women,
loads of the responses are complaining that men should just listen rather than oer
advice.
I wonder (in those situations) why men should accept that women dont want advice,
rather than women should accept that men deal with those situations by oering advice. . .
/u/aguyinbrooklyn
A little emotional awareness goes a very long way.

When my girlfriend comes to me with a problem, I understand it is my natural inclination
to want to oer solutions and I understand that she might just want me to listen to her.
So what do I do?
I ask if she wants my advice.
Pretty simple concept. Doesnt take any real eort and both sides are happy.
This works well for most biases. Just being aware of them can help you overcome them.
/u/SketchyConcierge
I ask if she wants my advice.
motherfuckers cracked the code
/u/Fimpish
And it was so simple all along. But this honestly never occured to me before.
She closed her eyes, then slowly sighed,

And frowned with weary woe:
Its not advice I need, she cried,
Its just an ear, you know?
I know you hear. I know you care.

I know your point of view.
But all I wants a chance to share,
And just an ear will do.
She bit her lip and paused a while,

Then sadly shook her head.
Okay, I spoke, and shared a smile.
Im listening, I said.
137
#906 What is it completely impossible to look cool doing?
2016-05-05 17:58:47
/u/thestunnedgrapefruit
/u/tiger9910
Taking photos using an IPad.
/u/stengebt
I saw someone taking pictures with an iPad at a concert. As if having a phone in the air
isnt bad enough.
/u/3shirts
I saw someones ipad get hit with a cup of piss at a festival a couple of years ago. It was
beautiful. I am pretty sure it was just bad (or good, depending on your perspective) luck
rather than a deliberate statement but it was brilliant to see anyway.
/u/Se7ensins20
How does one accidentally get hit with a cup of piss? Are there Random flying cups of
piss around you often?
/u/3shirts
At festivals, yes! People get to a good spot in the crowd and dont want to leave to go to
the bathroom so they piss in a cup and throw it. Not pleasant but not unusual either.
EDIT: Wow, so it seems like its just us dirty Brits that do this.
/u/SuchCoolBrandon
And add another item to my list of why I never want to go to festivals.
/u/1-800-DIK-BUTT
Thats the closest they get to a shower all weekend though
/u/746865626c617a
And add another item to my list of why I never want to go to festivals.
138
Its awful, he whined with a whimper of woe -

Theres filth and theres foulness wherever you go!
Theres folks by the thousand, with morals amiss!
Its dreadful, he whispered: . . . they shower in piss.
#905 What is it completely impossible to look cool doing?

2016-05-05 17:38:53
/u/thestunnedgrapefruit
/u/fliengineer
Chasing a ping pong ball
/u/bananapeople
For me this normally has three steps; Try to stop ball with foot, accidentally squash it,
find new ping pong ball.
It bumped and it jumped and it hurtled and hopped!

It bucked and it bounced, and it bounded and bopped!
It weaved and it wobbled! It floundered and flit!
I traced it! I chased it! I. . . looked like a tit.
#904 What did you learn from your first real relationship?
2016-05-05 00:46:04
/u/deadlyz6
/u/pistachiomun
That the both of you can be perfectly good people, but that doesnt always mean youre
good for each other. And thats okay.
139
I hoped for her - the perfect part

To suit my heart, it seems -
My whole, my soul, my second start;
My clearest, dearest dreams.
Shed be refined, and cute and kind,

And fair of hair and face -
A calm and patient, mindful mind;
A gentle gift of grace.
And so she is - shes all I sought,

And all she ought to be -
Shes all I always hoped and thought,
And not, at all, for me.
#903 What was the biggest fuck up in history?

2016-05-03 18:44:06
/u/22eyedgargoyle
/u/NyteMyre
Operation Cottage - 1943

US and Canada landed on the island of Kiska which had been occupied by Japanese
forces. They sucessfully took control over the island, but 32 soldiers lost their lives and
50 soldiers were wounded during the attack.
Heres the fuck up: The Japanese had secretly left the island 2 weeks prior the assault.
All casualties were friendly fire incidents.
Also, 191 soldiers went missing during the operation. How did that happen?
/u/kasper12
According to the Wikipedia, there were also Japanese mines on the island as well. The 191
that went missing was said to be because of friendly fire, booby traps and environmental
causes.
/u/BlatantConservative
Yeah the Japanese didnt have to physically be there to inflict casualties.

(Check out the poem Poem for your Sprog made below)
140
They left their posts and watched the coast,

From ship to sea to shore -
They watched, and soon they raised a toast
To loss and life and war.
#902 Whats the creepiest thing youve ever seen on red-

dit?
2016-05-01 16:38:23
/u/PM ME GIANTESSES
/u/MPC56
I answered a couple of questions regarding my profession on a Askreddit thread.

Received a PM with my first and last name, where I graduated and my work adress.
Promptly deleted everything on my reddit account.
Edit: Since some of you had questions here are the answers to the ones I saw.
Only my wife knows I use reddit.
Reddit is not popular in the country I currently reside in.
My business partners are generally not interested enough in technology/the web to browse
reddit. More so for my employees.
I do not use social media, apart from reddit I guess.
When Little Timmy surfed a site

And gaily picked a thread,
He laughed aloud with deep delight
At every word he read.
He skimmed a hundred happy tales

Of misbegotten youth -
Of fond aairs and funny fails,
And other twists of truth!
So Timmy shared a story too,

Then settled back and sighed.
But somehow someone somewhere knew.
141
#901 What is an experience or achievement that you wish
you could brag about, but cant because either you dont
know anyone who would appreciate it, or it reveals a secret
interest?
2016-04-29 19:11:36
/u/TheSexiestGirae
/u/ThePeoplesBard
Ive written over a thousand songs for complete strangers on the internet. Most people
in my life dont even know I own a guitar. I dont think they would appreciate how much
songwriting means to me. And I dont need my coworkers to hear some of these songs,
which sometimes are super dark and vulgar (as reddit likes).
A thousand rhymes a thousand times -

A thousand works of art -
A song or two on something new,
Imbued with you, and heart -
And so you play - it doesnt pay,

And though it takes a while -
Theres something neat, and awful sweet,
In making others smile.
#900 What is a lie you have told, that has gotten so

ridiculously out of hand that youve had to keep building
on it and is now a part of your life?
2016-04-28 15:15:58
/u/Leleven11
/u/kooknboo
My now wife and I were dating in college in the early 80s. One night we went out to a
party where she proceeded to get black out drunk.
The next morning I asked her if she remembered the little organ grinder monkey giving
142
her tittie twisters. She didnt believe me at first so she asked my roommate. He was
always on his game and confirmed it without hesitation. He even added to the story a
bit.
All 100% complete bullshit. No tittie loving monkey to be had.
Fast forward 30+ years. Its now a family legend. She tells everyone about it. Par-
ents/siblings/children/friends have heard the story dozens of times. It invariably comes
up at every family gathering. People hearing it for the first time howl with laughter
because she has the rap down cold by now and delivers it with skill. Those that have
heard it repeatedly just cringe and roll their eyes.
Im the only one (besides roommate whom I havent seen in 20+ years) that knows its
all bullshit. Im scared to tell her the truth, so I wrote her a sealed letter and put it in
my will.
EDIT: So the response ITT has me thinking. Im going to fess up to one of my brothers
and see what he says. Hes the most likely to stumble on this thread anyway. Although
thats highly unlikely. My suspicion is that hes going to shit himself silly with laughter.
Hell keep the secret to his grave if thats the way we decide to roll. As a joke, he and his
wife used to get my wife some type of organ grinder monkey thing each Christmas. My
Mom got fed up because it wasnt a Christmassy spirit type of thing with younger kids
around, so they stopped.
Little monkey organ grinder

Tries is very best to find er,
Tries to find er tricksy mister,
Tries to find er titty twister!
But forever could he never,

Never could that monkey ever,
Find er, grind er, find er twisted -
Cause he dont at all existed!
#899 What is a lie you have told, that has gotten so

ridiculously out of hand that youve had to keep building
on it and is now a part of your life?
2016-04-28 14:53:09
/u/Leleven11
143
/u/roguetroll
Gents, when you ever meet a girl that for some reason falls for you head over heels, and
worships the ground you walk on, be very careful when she asks you whether you love
her.
Im now married to her for four years and shes so god damn adorable that I dont have
the heart to tell her Im not sure. ( )
You spoke your words without a doubt,

And placed your hand in mine -
And when it came to work it out,
I handed back the line.
And that was how we ended here -

For now; for good, for ill.
I would have loved to love you, dear.
Perhaps in time I will.
#898 What is the strangest sub reddit you have ever

found?
2016-04-26 23:27:43
/u/FordF650
/u/-eDgAR-
/r/dicklips NSFW is by far one of the weirdest subs Ive found.

For those of you that cant click the link, its a sub where people Photoshop out the penis
when a woman is giving a blowjob and then make her mouth look closed, resulting in a
very weird face.
Here is a SFW example of what I mean
/u/PterPansen
took me a while to realize the bottom lip is not what it seems to be :] gets far more
hilarious then. thanks!
144
We walked the street in silence, slow,

And when our date was done,
She asked me where I had to go,
And what I did for fun.
Perhaps, she said, with girlish glee,

And sultry, sweet delight -
Youd make a little time for me,
And maybe spend the night?
Alas, I must decline, I said,

And sadly checked the clock:
Ive got a busy night ahead -
Im photoshopping cock.
#897 What is your golden rule?

2016-04-26 18:13:38
/u/aftabiqbal
[removed]
/u/cooze08
Dont ever take people for granted that genuinely care about you
/u/PM TITS FOR A POEM
The worlds a stage, its often said -

We thus adorn the needed guise.
This face we wear is oft misread,
And in its eyes our passion dies.
But though you act and mask your you,
And others too in makeup hide;
Though setting sun may take skys blue,
The azure truth has not yet died:
Behind the dance, emotion lies,
And there youll find your staring friend.
Though curtain calls you might despise,
Dont let the act, your caring, end.
145
Perhaps I didnt stop to share -

Youd speak, and Id respond.
Its not as though I didnt care -
I didnt break our bond.
I didnt change, or think to find
A finer friend than you -
I didnt hold you back, behind,
Or tell you what to do.
And when you came to make the call
To say youre moving on -
I didnt speak a word at all.
Perhaps thats why youre gone.
Between the valley and its hill -

The bond can never break;
If theres but one, the other still,
Does not its role forsake.
But dont yourself a valley make,
When you rise ever high;
Dont force yourself to bend and break,
So you might share my lie.
Youre far too good to be the vale,
Which makes my goodness lift.
You must escape my friendships jail,
And show me as the rift.
The strongest bonds are made in youth,

And shared in hopes and dreams -
Axed with faith, and tied with truth,
And knit with secret seams.
But like the rolling rivers race,
And through the valley flow,
The tide of time, at constant pace,
Awaits for none, and so -
Ensure the seams are holding tight,
For every night and day -
And take the time to make it right,
Before it slips away. . .
146
There is no secret to the weave,

Which knits a lasting piece.
Brave Jasons fleece did gold achieve,
By no one mans caprice.
The fateful crones have spun the thread,
In which we spin our own;
Dont fear for friendship when its dead,
Its fate was always sewn.
Its fair to try and knit with nerve,
And make the strongest strand.
But fate does not the rules observe;
Your friendship cant be planned.
Its worth and work and will, my friend,

That holds a friendship fast -
A friendship left to fate will end.
A friendship earned will last.
A friendship fate condemned to death,

Just feeds upon your heart.
It draws the sweetness from your breath,
And tears your life apart.
Tis better friends are bid goodbye

Than left to waste to bones -
But what is dead may never die. . .
Oh wait, thats Game of Thrones.

2016-04-26 17:57:40
/u/aftabiqbal
[removed]
147
/u/cooze08



148

There is no secret to the weave,

Which knits a lasting piece.
Brave Jasons fleece did gold achieve,
By no one mans caprice.
The fateful crones have spun the thread,
In which we spin our own;
Dont fear for friendship when its dead,
Its fate was always sewn.
Its fair to try and knit with nerve,
And make the strongest strand.
But fate does not the rules observe;
Your friendship cant be planned.
Its worth and work and will, my friend,

That holds a friendship fast -
A friendship left to fate will end.
A friendship earned will last.
149
2016-04-26 17:13:52
/u/aftabiqbal
[removed]
/u/cooze08



150




2016-04-26 16:01:55
/u/aftabiqbal
[removed]
/u/cooze08

151



#893 (NSFW) What was the first time you learned you
were into your kink?
2016-04-24 15:52:32
/u/PM ME GIANTESSES
/u/fuckswithducks
I was a horny pre-teen lying in bed one night. I was making out with my rubber ducky
like a normal night back then when I felt a sudden instinctive urge to rub it on my penis.
I had never masturbated before and I dont think I knew what masturbation so I was
very confused but pleased with myself. I continued to do that for a couple years until my
poor ducky practically fell apart. These days Im much more careful with them.
152
Perhaps, I sighed, its time we tried

A sexy switch, or two -
A simple change, or something strange
To keep it nice and new.
Ive often thought, as lovers ought,

That lusts appear to lull -
And then, in time, what was sublime
Begins to fade and dull.
And so, my sweet, well start, replete

With dreams from which to pluck -
Tonight instead - tonight, I said:
Tonight. . . Ill be the duck.
quack.
#892 Gamers, whats something lots of video games do

that annoys you?
2016-04-22 16:44:34
/u/AliceTheGamedev
/u/duggy747
NPC: Follow me down this hallway

NPC proceeds to walk at a speed that is faster than your walk but slower than your run.
EDIT: Thank you for the gold!
/u/LicenceToBill
Read Dead Redemption handled this perfectly! For anyone who hasnt played it, by
holding A (on xbox) your horse would follow right behind the horse in front. Meanwhile
there was usually plot based conversation going on between you and the NPC so you
werent bored during the journey.
153
/u/Steeleface
So many things done right in that game but that feature was almost the most innovative
despite being the smallest.
Come on now - be quicker!

Lets hustle!
Move on!
Im right here behind you!
Get going!
Be gone!
Go faster, you bastard!
Go swifter, you shit!
Were back where we started, you -
Fuck it.
I quit.
#891 Prince has passed away at his Paisley Park recording

studio Thursday morning
2016-04-21 20:10:15
/u/ani625
[Link]
/u/Rexcase
it think 2016 is going to go down in history as the most devastating year in music. so
many great artists lost.
/u/Longtime lurker2
And its only April. . .
/u/forkl
The rolling Stones must be getting nervous.
154
/u/Lorenzo Canyon
For every musician death, Keith Richards gains another life.
/u/BustaNutShot
There can only be one!
He picked up his paper, and opened the fold -

The headlines were heavy. They waited in bold.
Good heavens, said Keith, with a sigh and a smile.
A wrinkle diminished. He read for a while.
#890 Adults from Reddit: What do you regret most from

your teenage years?
2016-04-21 15:20:52
/u/TheSixFoot
/u/NotSaved
Not pushing harder to be myself and letting my fear of others expectations define me.
Edit: Thank you for the kind words, this was a wonderful thing to wake up to.
155
I should have hurried youth, in truth,

And moved more quickly on -
I should have made the most of youth,
Before the time was gone.
I should have followed fancy, free,

Before it thought to fade -
I should have picked a good degree,
Or found myself a trade.
I should have stopped to stare above;

To share anothers dreams -
I should have never welcomed love,
And lost it all, it seems.
No matter what the aim or end -

No matter what you do -
Regrets are part of life, my friend:
Dont let them conquer you.
#889 Parents of porn stars, how did you find out your
child does porn and how has it aected your relationship?
2016-04-19 18:22:55
/u/SenorCabbage
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/LatviaSecretPolice
(f/22)
Is this her?
156
We met online one afternoon,

And spoke of life and love -
Of all our hopes and dreams, and soon,
Of all the stars above.
The flame of youth arises bright,

But just as swiftly ends -
Upon a fond and fateful night,
I wrote: lets just be friends.
And so it slowly slipped away,

And faded, gone for good. . .
Until, one unsuspecting day,
She bombed my neighbourhood.
#888 Whats more creepy than cute?

2016-04-19 15:35:18
/u/theonewhoknack
Child beauty pageants
I dont understand it, she said with a sigh:

Its amateur, darling - you wont even try!
Theres knots in your hair, and theres dirt on your coat!
Youre lacking in dazzle - you never emote.
You need to seem special, or sweet and sincere -

And couldnt you try to be prettier, dear?
Its like youre a baby! I need you for more!
Her daughter looked downwards, and whispered: Im four.
:(
157
#887 Teachers of Reddit: Have you ever had a real genius
in class? What made him/her so smart?
2016-04-17 17:34:48
/u/Matth1as
/u/PotRoastPotato
A kid in standard Algebra II who never did a lick of homework but made 100s on every
test. I talked to him and he said he didnt see the point in wasting his time in homework
when he already knew how to do the problems.
A month or two into the year I told him Id just make his test average his grade. I also
had a talk with him to say that sometimes in life you can cut to the chase when you know
your stu. . . but sometimes you still have to jump through hoops that seem stupid even
when you dont see the point (to those sayung thats a bad thing to say to an intelligent
kid, try starting a business or patenting your game-changing invention without getting
the proper government permits, etc.) and even when there might not be a point. That
even though Im giving him a break, sometimes you have to do your homework even
when it seems unnecessary.
Aside: I later taught Information Technology, and I told the kids that if they earned
their industry certification at the end of the year (A+ or Microsoft Technology Associate
depending on grade level) Id change their grades so they get an A for the year. . . because
earning the certification proves mastery of the concepts I was teaching. Had a 70-80%
pass rate and I really think this policy had something to do with that. . . It motivated
the kids to work hard and I almost never had to change a grade.
/u/up syndrome
Do schools not allow high school students to take placement tests for these courses any-
more? Seems like it was wasting everyones time for the kid to be in that class.
/u/T03M
No, because some students might get ahead
/u/squidracer
Heaven forbid the schools encourage anything more then mediocrity
/u/magnora7
No child left behind also means no one can get ahead

edit: some people can get ahead, but the system caters to the lowest denominator, is my
point
158
/u/RunningBoss
Back in 1st grade my teacher made me stop reading Harry Potter because it was making
some kids feel bad.
If all are taught to slow and stay;

To tread an even track -
The guiding hand that leads the way
Is all that holds them back.
#886 Besides rent, What is too damn expensive?

2016-04-15 17:13:54
/u/shoe16
/u/PlayThatFunkyMusic69
The cost of a funeral and being buried. . .
/u/karliekisbae
When Im dead, just throw me in the trash.
159
If I should pick my final fruit,

Or wake tomorrow dead -
Expel me down the garbage chute,
And sell my freakin head.
My hollowed hands could start as part

Of gloves to suit a teen -
Or modern art, with bits of heart,
And little slips of spleen.
Display my skin as tailored sacks,

And take the best of bids -
Or make me into salty snacks
For under-nourished kids!
Exchange my hair for figures fair -

I couldnt care. Move on.
Just kick me out and leave me there.
I wont be sad. Im gone.
#885 What just isnt going to happen?

2016-04-12 14:47:40
/u/PyreIce
/u/snigles in your area
A good fantastic four movie.
/u/YourBlogSucksToo
What, youve never seen The Incredibles?
/u/golden metal ass
It was incredible but not fantastic
160
Perhaps well wander Mars one day,

And see with starry eyes -
A Martian-angled Milky Way
Arise in Martian skies -
Perhaps well find the how and when,

And what of life on Earth -
The meaning why, and where, and then,
The truth, for what its worth -
Perhaps well stand and live to see

The means to this, and more -
But never will there ever be
A good Fantastic Four.
#884 What do you want to talk about but doesnt deserve

its own post?
2016-04-11 18:03:57
/u/ PM ME NUDES
/u/chalk passion
It has begun. . . my friend is pregnant and Im going to a wedding in June.

All my friends will start succumbing one by one.
I watched them together, with stars in their eyes -

A swamp of aection, and cesspit of sighs.
Were blessed, they expressed, with a love of our own.
I angrily relished my evenings alone.
161
#883 what was the hardest decision you had to make in
a video game ?
2016-04-08 15:32:17
/u/vish9u
/u/Wombat789
Pick up item and have to walk back to sell it, or leave it and be able to run back and sell
all my other shit? Just kidding, pick it up. Every time.
Edit: 4500 points, Im over encumbered now
Edit 2: 4750 points, PC setmaxweight 5000
Should be good to go now.
/u/huyzee
You are over encumbered

Welp, guess this will be a long walk back.
/u/1mikeg
Welp, guess its time to finally eat those fifty cheese wheels.
Perhaps, I opined, with a sigh and a smile,

Ill need all this iron and cheese in a while!
A potion for power? The sword of an elf?
A fable on Falmer to sit on a shelf?
I want them - I need them! I cant have enough!

The heart of a daedra for armour and stu ?
A helmet and bracers - an arrow? A shield?
I need them to ward, and to wound, and to wield!
And as for this hammer, Ive already four -

But what if I find myself wanting for more?
I simply must have it! I said with a frown.
It took me till morning to crawl back to town.
162
#882 what was the hardest decision you had to make in
a video game ?
2016-04-08 14:00:59
/u/vish9u
/u/Itanagon
The first little sister in the original Bioshock.

You just dropped in this bizarre submarine city, alone and lost, and you have this little
girl at your mercy. The guy that helped you since you stepped into this world is telling
you that shes evil and you have to kill her. A random girl you just met is screaming that
you have to let her live. All while the little girl is crying and begging for her life. With
no clear indication that any of the two choices is a good decision.
At the time it was a shock for me. It was the very first time that, while playing a game,
I had no idea what to do, what I should do, what I was supposed to do. Also the very
first time that a game managed to make me feel bad about the act of killing someone. I
remember letting her go, because I couldnt bring myself to kill her even tho (at the time)
I was convinced it was the bad decision and that it would come back later to bite me.
Beneath the sunken city light,

In sight of waving skies -
She stands in stippled shades of night,
And stares with haunted eyes -
Her angel cries and dies with shame,

In fallen, pained disgrace -
She sobs above its broken frame,
And rusted metal face.
And so, her dice are yours to cast -

She stands, as still as stone.
You make and take your choice, at last.
You leave the room, alone.
163
#881 What is something youre not proud of but you
continue to do?
2016-04-07 18:33:03
/u/Luiden
/u/m50d
Going to bed late. Its so stupid, it ruins the whole next day, and most of the time Im
pretty good at getting to bed on time, but sometimes when I have a lot to do like this
week I get trapped in a loop of staying up late, being unable to get anything done the
next day, and staying up late to finish what I needed to do.
/u/babblelol
There is a podcast called Sleep with Me where a guy tells a story that doesnt go anywhere
and hes always getting side tracked with a monotone voice. So youre trying to focus on
the story, which stops you from thinking about the rest of the week, but its so boring
you just end up falling asleep.
He considers them bed time stories for adults.
/u/HereForTheCats
My SO is a software engineer and does exactly this for me. In a really soft voice, hell
tell me all about data structures, protocols, and other C.S. things I vaguely recognize but
dont care enough about to follow. It helps me fall asleep every time.
/u/bandersnatchh
Plot twist- not on purpose, and hes left with crippling self doubt every night
/u/Sample Name
Seriously, way to destroy his life work.

Honey, you bore me to death. Tell me about your meaningless day so I can fall asleep.
164
I still recall that August day,

One splendid afternoon -
Or was it June? Or maybe May?
I think its May. Or June.
It cant be June - I still recall

The leaves were brown about!
Perhaps it happened early fall,
Or late-July, no doubt!
Twas dawn of early morn, you see,

And all the birds were - wait.
Its June, my love, it has to be -
We moved that winter, late.
Of course, we moved the former year,

And went - November then?
November rings a bell, my dear,
Or was it June, again?
Thats right, we might have - heavens no,

Perhaps - July, it was!
An afternoon in June, although
It couldnt be, because. . .
#880 What can you get a Lifetime Supply of for less

than $500?
2016-04-04 20:08:59
/u/2011StlCards
/u/mattreyu
OP could get a lifetime supply of condoms for $1.00

(Sorry
OP)
165
He curled an old and wrinkled hand

Around his aging prize -
His fingers softly traced the brand;
He slowly closed his eyes.
He dreamt of rites and sleepless nights

Beneath the stars above -
Of youthful, truthful sweet delights,
And last, of lust and love.
And when his neighbours wandered by,

To find him there inside -
He clutched his meagre lifes supply:
Unused, untouched, untried.
#879 Current or former sex workers, what is the strangest

thing a client has asked you to do?
2016-04-03 17:58:16
/u/KoalaOne
/u/ipoopinthebathroom
Escort here, an Asian man asked me to lift my skirt so that my thigh was exposed and
asked to take o my shirt, ok normal so far I thought. Then he pulled o his pants and I
was like yea its get down time. He then proceeded to lick and kiss my right armpit and
rub himself on my thigh. It took every bit of power to not burst out laughing. He came
about 4 minutes later and asked me how I was doing then asked me to leave. It was easily
the most fun Ive had on the job
166
Pretty pits, he sighed, and shaking,

Moaning, stopped and quivered, quaking,
Shivered, struck with every aching,
Arching thrust and throe.
Still his moist and testing, lapping,

Questing tongue was moving, mapping,
Turning as he twisted, tapping,
At my thigh below.
Thus, he stopped and stared with hollowed,

Haunted eyes, and slowly swallowed.
Moments passed and silence followed.
Please, he whispered: . . . go.
#878 few words about your father?

2016-04-02 18:24:21
/u/wajidaliakbar
[removed]
/u/starstarstar42
When I was very young, I got mad and called my mom the c word once. Me and my
friends had learned the word from other kids and had started using it for the shock eect.
Well, it slipped out in anger and though I instantly regretted it, pride (and fear) got in
the way of me apologizing immediately. Ive always regretted that because my mother
and father were the kindest, humblest, most caring people imaginable.
Anyway, my mother was instantly horrified. She just stood there stunned for a moment
and then started crying. My father ran in at the sound of her sobs and heard from her
what happened. The look on his face haunts me to this day; sadness mixed with disbelief
and some other unnamed emotion between rage and hopelessness.
From this came an event that changed my life forever.
He and my mom spoke to each other out of earshot of me, she still sobbing quietly. We
were a religious household and this was a monumental breakdown of all the values they
had tried to instill in me. The only part of their conversation I overheard was him telling
her to leave the house for 30 minutes. She began crying even more after hearing his plans.
She came over to me, knelt down and kissed me on my cheek, transferring her tears to
my own face in the process. She quietly whispered, I love you, and I forgive you before
leaving.
My dad took me down to the basement (where no sounds could escape). He took out his
favorite leather belt. I remember that belt in ultra-vivid detail. It was brown braided
167
leather, Polo by Ralph Lauren no less. It had a heavy silver buckle on it with intricate
stampings.
He said something that I remember to this very day. . . Son, I love you beyond words,
and so does your mother. You broke her heart, and youve broken mine. There has to be
a punishment, and it has to be one you can never, ever, forget.
I was close to pissing my pants at this point. My dad is a huge man. He proceeded to
pull an ottoman bench over and take o his shirt. He then instructed me to lash his back
with his own belt for the next 10 minutes solid. If I did not try to hit him as hard as I
could, Id have to hit him twice as many times he told me.
Long story short, I was CRYING my eyes out two minutes into this. His back was raw
and angry red all over, but the point had been made, and made forever. This is what it
felt like to hurt someone you love and who loves you back.
I do not begrudge my father for this life lesson. In fact, I thank God every day for him
having had the presence of mind to teach me something that so few kids learn these days;
to love AND respect. One without the other is pointless. Those you care about wont
be around forever so you have to cherish them at every step and do your best not to
intentionally hurt them.
My father never once hit me in my whole life, and he never had to as you can see. Im
proud to say I grew up confident and respectful as a result. He was the wisest man Ive
ever met, and likely will ever meet.
I still recall the image burned

Inside my youthful mind -
In every lash a lesson learned,
And ever thus defined.
I still recall the scene beneath;

And still it seems I see -
His reddened back; his gritted teeth;
His pain for her, for me.
Perhaps youd say its not the way

To teach, and guide, and yet -
I still recall it clear as day.
I never did forget.
#877 Which actor played the villain a little TOO well?

2016-03-31 17:52:06
/u/KieranX
168
/u/-Mannequin-
Im convinced Jack Nicholson is actually insane and probably a murderer.
/u/expaticus
The Shining was actually just a couple of guys with cameras following him around for a
few days.
When Little Timmy formed a plan

To film a flick with Jack -
He never told his leading man,
And rolled behind his back.
In stealthy style and secret shade,

He planned a film of fact -
But caught his every escapade,
And hazy, crazy act.
Hes o his head! the lad opined -

Completely nuts, he sighed.
But Jack was waiting close behind.
#876 What is something that actually oends you?

2016-03-29 17:49:12
/u/a -
/u/ReneeRGomes
When people tell me what I think. Thats not how it works.
/u/T- - - -
You arent really oended by that
169
It leaves me frayed, and fuming, fraught,

He stared, and shared his view -
When someone seeks to steer my thought,
Or bid me what to do!
They tell me what I meant to say,

Assuming Ill agree -
But bend the words their wayward way,
And far away from me!
They tell me what I want, he cried,

And what I surely wont -
I think its so unfair, he sighed.
I whispered: no you dont.
#875 What seems awesome until you try it?

2016-03-27 16:08:56
/u/TemiOO
/u/Burst-Apart
Having a relationship with your best friend; afterwards youre left single and friendless.
Remember how we used to smile

To share a foolish thought?
To simply wait and walk a while?
To talk of all, and nought?
Wed spend our days and nights as two,

Content to stare above.
I always felt the same with you -
It seemed a sort of love.
And so we made it something more -

But something came to end.
We never found what came before.
I miss my finest friend.
170
2016-03-23 15:47:52
/u/TooShiftyForYou
/u/vulturewomen
Saying no to an invitation without having to make up an excuse.

Edit: Gold! Ive only been on this website for a few weeks and Im not really sure what
it means, but thank you so much, stranger!
Edit: What I meant by a few weeks is Ive only been actively posting for a few
weeks/maybe a month. Ive been on Reddit for almost half a year. To the people that
are mad at me, sorry, I guess. I didnt ask for the gold, man.
I pondered excuses to form a reply,

In search of a reason, or logical lie:
Im working; Im busy; Im saving; Im sick ;
Im writing some music to play on a dick!
But no, thats psychotic. Perhaps Im in pain?

Aected by air, and allergic to rain?
Im waiting for parcels? Im curling my hair?
Im shaving the cat, and Ive nothing to wear!?
So what do you reckon? he thought to express,

Diverting my thoughts from internal distress.
Im sort of. . . , I started, Im just a. . . you know?
Its really. . . but kind of. . . I dont want to go.
:(
#873 What do you miss most about being a kid?

2016-03-23 14:24:12
/u/HeughJass
/u/stuckinverse
How long summers were.
171
When I was young, my father said,

And younger still than you -
My summers seemed to stretch ahead
In shades of skylight blue.
The warmest air was twice as fair

Beneath the tops of trees -
Content to wait without a care;
To sit and shoot the breeze.
But sooner summers slipped to fall,

And still, I couldnt see -
They hadnt really changed at all.
It wasnt them, but me.
#872 What animals would be the most terrifying if they

were the size of a car?
2016-03-23 13:42:05
/u/fdsa4321lbp22
/u/logallama
Any fucking bug
0.3 NOPENOPENOPENOPE
In Mr. Ernests English class,

A spider spun with grace -
It dragged him through the window glass,
And ate his freakin face.
172
#871 What is your wrong place at the wrong time
story?
2016-03-20 16:45:43
/u/-cDJ-
/u/Vaginabond
This happened to a coworkers son, he was outside smoking a cigarrette and apparently
there was a police chase going on that he didnt know about. The police dog jumped
over the fence into his backyard and attacked him, really messed up his arm from what
i understand. The cops end up throwing him in the police car, after realizing that they
had the wrong guy they let him go and literally told him Well maybe you should have
stayed inside. Hes currently going through a lawsuit with them and is probably going
to get a big settlement, because they never even filed a police report or anything.
/u/I dont bone goats
You should have stayed inside.
As if he had any way of knowing what would happen.
So lets review the story through:

You went outside to smoke -
And whilst engaged, the beast, enraged,
Attacked ? he slowly spoke.
In fear, in fright, in dark of night,

I see it still, I said -
I dream of breath the scent of death,
And eyes of crimson red!
The court was still and calm until

At last the judge replied -
He shook his head: perhaps, he said,
You should have stayed inside.
173
#870 Which quote becomes inappropriate when misat-
tributed?
2016-03-19 18:35:53
/u/pierrekrahn
/u/e4u3
Some people are born great and some have greatness thrust upon them -
Monica Lewinsky
/u/newgatsbyfitness
I know this is o topic, is there Monica Lewinsky porno out there?
/u/BARACK-OLI
Porn is never o topic.
/u/King of the Kobolds
Porn is never o topic.
Bill Clinton.
/u/LunaticSongXIV
It depends on what the meaning of the word is is. If theif heif is means is and never
has been, that is notthat is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely
true statement.
174
Theres nothing as super, he spoke with a sigh -

As treasured and pleasured and fair to the eye -
As lovingly lovely - as splendidly sweet -
As finding the porno to muster your meat!
Its simply delightful, he said with a grin -

To rustle your muscle; to boldly begin!
To chance on a film or a vid or a pic -
To find with a fetish a fine fitting flick!
I swear it sincerely: from there and to here -

For one and for all, and for year after year -
That where, every day, theres a way, theres a will !
Godammit, said Hillary: button it, Bill.
#869 Survivors of attempted murder: whats your story?

2016-03-15 16:01:58
/u/georgia jones
/u/Sick-Girl
When I was a newborn my biological father tried to kill me by choking me. It happened
in my grandmothers kitchen and my mom bopped him over the head wth a frying pan
and stabbed him with one of those hot dog pokers you use on the grill. Hes always been
a real big piece of shit.
*edit- I seriously had no idea when I woke up that this would blow up and now I kinda
feel weird that I posted it. Thanks to whoever gave me gold! and also No hes not dead
unfortunately, yes this really happened among some other crazier shit. My mom was
arrested but released for the stabbing. He started to stalk her after she left him and my
step-dad actually shot him when he broke into our house a few years later. Hes now
living in LA on Skid Row so I dont see him anymore, actually havent seen him since I
was a toddler. Oh and forgot to add, he tried to kill me because he thought I was not his
child, he thought my mom cheated on him.
/u/ebonyfaye
I dont like how cute the word bopped is in this context :s

Im so sorry that your dad is a piece of shit :(
175
/u/Good Hunter
Hahaha, boop! Gotcha!

Man falls over, completely and utterly dead.
His eyes begin to slowly close.

His arms and shoulders droop.
He slumps in silent, still repose.
She softly whispers: boop.
#868 Survivors of attempted murder: whats your story?

2016-03-15 15:36:39
/u/georgia jones
/u/NewsiesOnAMission
My cousin tried to drown me a few years ago. Wed been on bad terms for years; she
beat me up constantly when we were kids and she sabotaged my work a few times in high
school. I never fought back because she was absolutely fucking crazy and I figured she
was special. About three years ago I dated a guy she was interested in (didnt know
she was into him) and that was the final straw as she put it. So she decided to kill me
by dragging me into the pool in her backyard and holding me underwater until I blacked
out (shes easily twice my size/weight so it was the easiest way for her, and she could just
blame my death on drowning by accident).
Anyways, she successfully held me underwater until I stopped breathing, then got out of
the pool and sat in a deck chair to watch the show. My friend found me and he genuinely
thought I was dead. He dragged me out of the water and did CPR, and that probably
saved my life.
If youre wondering where psychopath cousin was for that whole ordeal, she was still
sitting there in her pink flamingo deck chair, smiling like Norman fucking Bates.
Charges were pressed, and insanity was pled (which was probably accurate anyways).
I do not really talk to that side of the family much anymore.
Edit: Well my inbox is fucked. A lot of people are saying this is made up because she
didnt get punished, so I guess I should clarify some stu. She had a history of mental
illness, and was prone to violence. I obviously dont keep in touch, but Im 99% certain
shes not all there in the head. Since she didnt actually kill me, she had two options,
jail time or therapy in an institution. She picked therapy and still has check ins once a
week. Thats honestly all I can give you. If anyone here is a cop/judge/whatever, maybe
you can give your perspective on it.
Thanks to those who expressed concern. This was a long time ago and Im over it, but I
176
saw this thread and though Hey! One I can actually contribute to! Thanks for reading
:)
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/NewsiesOnAMission
lol those fuckers took her side too because I shouldnt have stolen her crush. I just. . . I
dont even. . . what?!
/u/Ivysub
Im going to go out on a limb here and say that her family may have contributed to her
psycho behaviour with attitudes like that. . .
She held me below till I ran out of breath,

And when I was sinking, and closest to death -
She sat by the pool, and with pleasure and pride,
She waited in silence to watch while I died!
The cops took a statement. Her father was called.

He stared at me shaken, and shocked and appalled.
Its awful, he whispered, to hear of my woe -
I just cant believe that youve stolen her beau.
#867 Pizza guys/girls, does your shop have a No Deliv-

ery list? What houses are on it and why?
2016-03-14 21:19:28
/u/Eagle694
/u/The-SpaceGuy
My friend who is a pizza guy told he asked his manager to ban a house because they
always wants him to wait until they eat first slice and then complain pizza is not well
made and asks for some discount or coupon and ends up not paying tip acting angry.
177
/u/jp jellyroll
What a risky move on the customers part. I mean, pissing o people who make your
food, deliver your food, and know exactly where you live seems kind of stupid. That
would be the very first house to get targeted on Halloween, if you know what Im saying.
I stood beneath the paling light,

And stared, polite, ahead.
You want a tip? he spoke with spite -
Make better food! he said.
And when hed laughed and slammed the door

Upon this sordid scene -
I whispered this, and nothing more:
Ill see you Halloween. . .
#866 What was totally NOT A PHASE for you, but ended
up being a phase?
2016-03-13 19:40:06
/u/pm-your-panty-colour
/u/Over over over
Loving my first girlfriend. . . .and my second. . . and my third.
/u/unc54
Relevant username.
178
Dear Journal, I wrote with a ponderous sigh,

I love her as high as the sun in the sky -
I love her as far as the moon and the stars -
I love her to Saturn and Pluto and Mars.
I love her as long as the east from the west -

As hard as my heart as it beats in my chest -
As stout and devout, and as deep as the soul -
With all of my being; my spirit; my whole.
Dear Journal, I wrote, and I wiped at a tear:

Theres nothing I hold as beloved and dear.
I pledge it with passion; I promise a vow -
I love her forever and ever. . . for now.
#865 Male Redditors: Whats something that, tradition-

ally, fathers teach their sons, but in your situation your
mother taught you?
2016-03-08 00:01:49
/u/Whispercry
/u/JoshuaHaines
My mom taught me how to shave. Still have the smoothest legs out of anyone I know.
Simply, softly, smoothly sliding,

Straight and even, graceful gliding,
Slightly-touching, tender-tiding
Every curve and swell -
Drifting daily, gaily nightly

Shaping something sweet and sightly:
Skip your balls, she whispered lightly.
Momma taught me well.
179
#864 Redditors who grew up filthy rich, what did you
think was normal till your learned otherwise?
2016-03-05 16:59:55
/u/FrenchWoodChesse
/u/cmairee
Taking trips overseas constantly. I remember being so surprised in elementary school

that my friends had never been to Europe. My earliest memory takes place in a villa in
Monaco.
Also, apparently 6 year olds arent supposed to like tartare or oysters on the half shell.
/u/DoctorPotatoe
Also, apparently 6 year olds arent supposed to like tartare or oysters on the
half shell.
I was more into heroes in a half shell myself.

Quite.
He swirled his glass and shook his head:

Of course, youre right, you know -
Theres no one quite as fine, he said,
As Michelangelo.
Exquisite style, he slowly spoke:

And David - oh! he cried.
What other such should eer evoke
An equal awe inside?
The very best without a doubt -

The last amazing great!
I said: the fuck you on about?
I meant the turtle, mate.
180
#863 What is a piece of your personal philosophy that
youd like to share?
2016-03-04 18:04:26
/u/thefubit
[removed]
/u/blackeyesamurai
My pops always said Son, only break ONE law at a time!
/u/Medium Well Soyuz 1
My dad put it to me never haul cocaine with a busted taillight I think its the same
sentiment
I wave and wind the window down -

He stops and stands beside.
A gun; a badge; a formal frown;
A glance around my ride.
What seems to be the problem, chief ?

He stares with empty eyes.
A busted light, he answers, brief,
Beneath the starlit skies.
And so he checks the motor through,

Inspecting every crumb.
But daddy told me what to do.
Theyre hidden up me bum.
#862 Redditors with nsfw content all over the Internet,

how has it aected your life?
2016-03-02 15:52:05
/u/MAKE YOU FEEL OLD
181
/u/b1polarbear
I sent my wife a cock shot a few years back. It was taken with a DSLR and posed in a
somewhat artsy way with shallow depth of field and nice diused lighting. As nice as a
cock shot can be.
I have, not a huge cock, but bigger than most guys. But in the photo it looks massive.
She sent it to her friend like, Look what Ive got. Her friend posted it in a Facebook
group. Someone, or several someones, saved it and posted it all over the fucking internet.
I occasionally see my cock on imgur, Bing images, even Facebook. People re-post it on
Reddit. Ive seen it on ads for penis growth products and gay hookup sites. Its weird to
see it in new places.
Thankfully its all cock. Nothing else. Even my balls are defocused. You certainly cant
tell who it belongs to.
/u/FUCITADEL
Your dick went viral.
/u/patchgrrl
That has a very dierent meaning in the Internet age.
You mean it was posted or sent to a site,

Then endlessly copied by day and by night?
Exposed and repeated forever ahead?
Not really, she answered: its herpes, she said.
#861 Redditors with nsfw content all over the Internet,

how has it aected your life?
2016-03-02 15:30:32
/u/MAKE YOU FEEL OLD
/u/SanshaXII
My dick n balls are all over the Newgrounds forums, like eight-ten years ago.
I was utterly shameless about it. Someone even tried to blackmail me with them so I
took more pics and posted them errwhere.
182
/u/MisterKanister69
Well thats a way of handling it well. Well done
/u/SanshaXII
I play hardball.
Well, soft balls and hard. . . yknow.
They came in their dozens!

They came in their mounds!
A mountain! A fountain of pictures abounds!
They came in a heap as the hugest of hauls!
Your ransom, I answered:
My dick n my balls.
#860 What poor decision will you likely make today?

2016-03-01 16:32:11
/u/TooShiftyForYou
/u/webby mc webberson
sex with my gfs mom. shes been flirting with me like crazy and Im going over to help
her with the computer. gf is away.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
183
I dont understand it, he typed with a sigh,

No matter my reason; whatever I try -
She wont even listen, or answer her phone!
Im waiting here, hurting, and lonely, alone!
And so, in his anguish, he posted his thread -

In seconds, a comment was waiting, and said:
With deepest compassion, and warmth, and aplomb. . .
Get over it fuckface - you slept with her mom.
#859 Whats the worst case of a kid being sheltered

youve ever encountered?
2016-02-27 20:50:40
/u/badasspiggy
/u/Fuxagon
I was on a register at work and a woman and her daughter came through my line. Im 19
and the daughter was at least my age, quite possibly a little older.
Her mom wouldnt stop fussing at her from the very beginning.
put your stu on the counter
she said hi, say hi back
Now take your card out
Jesus, swipe your card
enter your pin number now, god
Essentially telling the daughter what to do at every instant, even if the daughter was
already doing it or about to. Then the mom turns to me and smiles and says Im
teaching her valuable life skills.
This is probably venturing more into narcissistic mother territory rather than a sheltering
one, but I feel like not allowing freedom of action or thought is a component of being
sheltering.
Regardless, I cringed the entire time and felt so sorry for the daughter.
Edit: A lot of people are saying the daughter may have been autistic. Im not going to
try to rule that out or anything, but judging by her mannerisms and the way she looked
at me and the little talking she did, she honestly didnt appear to be. If she did have
autism, she must have been on the functioning side of the spectrum, and I really dont
think she actually needed the instructions from her mother. Although, if she did have
autism, perhaps her mother didnt have the best understanding of it and decided she
needed to direct her daughter on how to do everything. Or thats just her personality.
184
If all my words were yours before,

The you that Im to be -
Is half of you, and nothing more.
I wish that I was me.
#858 What quote has actually stuck with you and changed
your life?
2016-02-27 19:44:42
/u/andiswearrrr
/u/palebluedoll
If youre the smartest person in the room, youre in the wrong room.
/u/Krusty Krab Pizza
But what if youre a kindergarten teacher?
/u/DrShocker
Then stop teaching retarded kindergarteners
The teacher stopped and stared ahead:

Its time for something new -
Now who can tell me, please, she said,
What comes from two plus two?
They figured, thought, and pondered, planned,

And worked with childish glee -
Till little Timmy raised his hand,
And shyly answered: three?
The teacher stopped and stared ahead.

She turned in silence, slow.
She knelt before the boy, and said:
For fucks sake, Timmy - no.
185
#857 Whatever happened to the person you lost your
virginity to?
2016-02-25 15:45:02
/u/timmeejr
/u/yellowelephant88
Shes a lesbian now.

I like to think I did such a good job, I scared her o cock for life.
/u/beautifulsole
I like to think you did such a bad job, you scared her o cock for life.
Edit: My very own sprog poem for my sprog. Eat your hearts out plebs.
Beneath the crescents silver shine,

We shared a maiden kiss -
And every touch was joy divine,
And every breath was bliss.
We bent as one below the stars,

To lie with lust in haste -
And there, beneath the moon and mars,
Abandoned pledges chaste.
And when, at last, we settled, spent,

In whitest light aglow -
Again? I asked, and sighed content.
She whispered: thanks, but no.
#856 Whats the saddest thing that happened to an old

school friend you dont see anymore?
2016-02-23 16:53:54
/u/smackerz1988
186
/u/FoghornsLeghorns
My best friend from School is now doing up to 20 years in prison for rape. Im not all
that sad for him because if youre going to rape someone then you totally deserve the full
force of the law - But he has two young children who suddenly are left without a dad.
Not long before that, his brother committed suicide, too. I feel terrible for his mother,
losing both of her boys in the space of a year. I also feel terrible for his victim, and for
his children.
/u/JRH 07
I recently was on a jury for a case where a married man, with 3 young boys, had led a
double life, where 6 girls (ranging between ages 7 and 26) had come forward about him
either sexually assaulting or raping them. The wife had backed him up saying hed never
do such a thing, and then as soon as she heard about what hed been doing to the girls,
she realised hed been doing exactly the same to her, but because they were married,
shed never considered it as rape.
All of his friends and family were so surprised by it, because he seemed like such a lovely
man. But through court appearances, his true self came out and they all realised they
had been manipulated.
We put him away for 21 years. And the only people I felt really bad for the throughout
the sentencing (not the court case), were his 3 little boys. Growing up and knowing what
your own dad did would be awful.
Of course, I felt dreadful for those girls, but the relief on their faces when they heard wed
found him guilty and hed never be able to touch them ever again, made the sadness on
those 3 boys faces stand out. Wed done exactly what we could for those girls. And that
will forever stay with me. But those boys, never seeing their dad again and being way
too young to understand why, did upset me a bit.
/u/Kopykatasshole
Honestly you get over it. My dad went to prison for rape, leaving me and my elder brother
with my mom. He was a pretty shitty absent father anyway, and I knew quite early on
why he was in there, but I missed him to begin with, and then not at all. My biggest
worry growing up was that Id end up like him.
When I had my own kids a couple of years ago, I swore that Id always make more of an
eort with them than he did with us. Around that time, I came accross this poem by
poem for your sprog on another account:
My father taught me how to live

Without a hope, and how to give
A kid he didnt care about
A life of shame and fear and doubt;
He taught me how to miss a guy

You never knew, and wonder why
He couldnt find a way to say
You werent enough for him to stay;
187
He taught me how to never call,
And how to hurt, but most of all -
My fathers lessons showed to me
The dad I didnt want to be.
It meant a lot to me then, and it still does. I still worry sometimes that Ill end up like
him - not raping anyone, of course, but just being a bad father. Cant shake that fear.
But still - it isnt always true.

It doesnt have to be for you.
It hasnt passed. Its not too late.
You have your chance to make their fate.
For if it is that moment nears

To make a choice and change the years,
Defining who you really are -
The answers never, ever, far.
Youll never oer empty starts -

Nor leave your kids with broken hearts
And broken dreams one hopeless night.
You arent your dad.
Youll do it right.
#855 Whats the saddest thing that happened to an old

school friend you dont see anymore?
2016-02-23 16:49:23
/u/smackerz1988
/u/Moonpiles
My friend Mike died of Pneumonia because he went outside without pants on in December.
It was 8th grade. Fuckin sucked.
/u/theRedditExpert
May he live in eternity without pants
188
Rest in peace and pantless wonder;

Rest divested, fair.
Rest undressed, and open under -
Rest, my bestie, bare.
#854 What is something that is bullshit, that everyone

should know about?
2016-02-22 19:02:18
/u/fulllON
/u/GlockTheDoor
Our selection of presidential candidates this election.

Edit: Didnt expect this to turn into a political shitstorm. We are all well aware who the
majority of reddit is voting for. My point is that between the drama and the candidates,
this whole election is bullshit. This is not me taking a jab at any single candidate, more
like our political system as a whole.
When choosing the better of faecal remains,

Select for the slighter of stench and of stains.
Elect for the lesser-detestable fit. . .
. . . but never forget that youre still picking shit.
#853 What was the weirdest thing you encountered in a

foreign country that was totally normal for the locals?
2016-02-20 17:12:13
/u/Carcsad
189
/u/bbtvvz
The pledge of allegiance in American schools. It seems incredibly creepy and cultish to
me. Just as I would imagine Nazi Germany.
EDIT: Since people have been asking. . .
In 2008, I spent a semester in a smallish town in northern California. Im German and
any form of patriotism is frowned upon there. As you might expect, German schools talk
a lot about the Nazis in history class (feels like 50% of the history curriculum is about
that).
On my first day at an American high school, I was completely unprepared for this. I had
heard about the pledge at some point, but didnt actually expect it to be so common. So
there I was, new kid in class, unfamiliar with the language and the culture, thousands of
miles away from home, incredibly nervous. And then suddenly every single person in the
room stands up and starts reciting the same words. I didnt know what I was supposed to
do, so I just stood up and pretended like I was speaking along. It was weird, but at first I
assumed this was just for the beginning of the new school year or something. Except that
they did it every single day, and thats what made it so unsettling. And with my own
cultural background, its no surprise that it felt like a scene from a propaganda movie.
At my particular school, everyone was very serene about the whole ordeal. Could be
selection bias, since homeroom was an American history class. I suppose it might have
been a dierent experience if people had been obviously bored.
/u/Pteroptero
I moved to the US from the UK when I was 14ish. This was the biggest culture shock.
First day of school, Im already out of my element, dont know anyone etc, then the loud
speaker comes on, everyone stands in perfect synchronicity, and starts chanting at a flag
in robotic monotone. It was terrifying.
I love your country, but seriously what the fuck, america?
/u/DCJ3
It was in robotic monotone because (almost) nobody really wants to say it. Its like, lets
just mumble our way through this because we have to. Pretty much nobody takes it
seriously.
Asking students to recite the pledge daily is a bit silly, honestly. At best its disingenuous,
and at worst its indoctrination.
/u/mehehem
thats how i imagine people in dictatorships. oh the grand leader wants me to march in
a weird formation on his birthday? we dont want but we have to so we better look like
robots instead of getting problems.
190
A line designed to last the years,

By day,
by day,
by day. . .
Will slowly fall on deafened ears
As meaning slips away.
#852 Who are you shocked isnt dead yet?

2016-02-19 18:50:32
/u/Laughing Boy from HS
Edit: since I posted this question, both Harper Lee and Umberto Eco (who appear in
this list several times) have been announced dead.
/u/ddrober2003
Harper Lee. I honestly thought To Kill a Mockingbird was written some time in the 19th
century, meaning that of course the author would be dead. But she is still alive and
kicking.
/u/greenstick3
http://whnt.com/2016/02/19/report-harper-lee-author-of-to-kill-a-mockingbird-dies/
/u/ddrober2003
Well. . . ..shit. . . .
/u/Berfanz
I cant believe you did this to her!
/u/Can of Cats
He killed her!
/u/patron vectras
We did it, Re- wait. . .
191
He wrote a name.
A moment passed.
A seconds stony spell.
The dice of fate were cursed and cast,
And chance, ill-fated, fell.
And from the shade behind his screen,

In shadows, weakly-lit,
He paused to read the words between,
And whispered: . . . holy shit.
#851 Reddit, what good thing got ruined?

2016-02-16 18:40:17
/u/helloimpaul1000
/u/Whatsinthabox
Discovery channel. Some of us like to learn about stu via television. Instead now we are
watching men look for gold or freeze to death looking for crabs.
/u/toadofsteel
Hell, even Mythbusters in their heyday was still good science. Yes it was packaged for
popular media, but I came away from your average Mythbusters episode feeling like I had
learned something. There were kids that wanted to get into actual science when they
grew up just because of that show. . . and no, it wasnt just for the explosions.
/u/OhLookAnAirplane
Mythbusters had me mixing shit together like a scientist when I was little. And I dont
mean chemicals, I mean stirring up ice cream saying it was chemicals, or mixing several
nearly empty shampoos in the shower and calling it a new formula I made up.
I fucking loved that show, it made me feel like I could grow up and be a super cool
scientist.
Edit: Is this where I thank a mysterious redditor for the gold? DOES THIS MAKE ME
A PAID SCIENTIST NOW?
192
/u/SkipToTheEnd
I did the shampoo thing. Was really satisfying when you got a thick, creamy shampoo to
blend in with a translucent, shimmery shampoo, creating a sort of swirl.
I believe I was suspending an emulsion of Head and Shoulders in a solvent and maximis-
ing the conditioning element of Pantenne Pro V, thus creating a super-hybrid chimeric
solution that made your hairy shinier than a fucking supernova.
/u/OhLookAnAirplane
Look I made a bug repellent* shampoo! -Me after mixing together like 6 random near
empty bottles
*Results not tested
/u/quantum94
Well I dont see any bugs in the shower!
Here, I cried, I have created,

Crafted, planned, and calculated
Combinations concentrated!
Someone stop the press!
Balms and creams and lovely lotions

Moved and mixed and merged in motions
Form a stew of funky potions,
Fixed to coalesce!
Watch it split and slip asunder!

Watch it travel up and under!
Who, I heard my father wonder,
Made this fucking mess?
#850 Reddit, what good thing got ruined?

2016-02-16 15:08:48
/u/helloimpaul1000
/u/dgoberna
Library of Alexandria, without doubt
193
Before the wide and winding Nile,

Where men had come to learn -
He simply stood and stared a while,
And watched the embers burn.
He saw it singed and scorched and stripped

By crimson flame and flash -
A world of wonder lost in script,
And scrolls that curled to ash.
He watched the waste of wiser days;

The fall of thought and mind -
And in the glow of golden blaze,
The light of man declined.
And so, at last, he stared askance,

Beyond the hungry flame.
The scholar cast a final glance,
And whispered: . . . bloody shame.
#849 What are you in the 1% of ?

2016-02-15 18:32:44
/u/kaysorry
/u/TurtleInATracksuit
Remaining battery li
/u/Gandalorpres
Hey! Me t
/u/haotaocheng
Same!! I want kar
/u/Tuba4life1000
Glad you guys were able to hit submit before your phones shut o
194
/u/Ass cunt 666
Found Mr. Buzz Killington
He clicked the thread and slowly read,

From where, sedate, he sat -
Then shook his head and swiftly said:
Thats quite enough of that!
Its not the time, he cried in rhyme,

For mindless joy and mirth!
A fruitless waste to post in haste
Without a sense of worth!
They really ought to pause in thought,

Or plan, he sighed, in pen!
But not to fear - for now Im here,
They wont forget again.
#848 What is something that everyone does, but everyone

does dierently?
2016-02-13 16:47:14
/u/smidge
/u/PhantomX182
Sleep.
For example, I sleep on my side. My brother sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps around.
That kind of thing.
Each person who exists has their own style.

Some find their side-ward slant to be the best;
This is how I, the nightly hour, beguile,
While other fools fall flat upon their breast.
My kin prefers to perch upon his back,
In evening wonder of the speckled sky.
Heaven adorned in silken dress of black,
In which one sees the iridescent eyes.
195
For all her sleeping skill my ex is crowned,
She is a slutty queen that sleeps around
Or so you say, my timely rhyming friend -

I doubt shed stand to swear the same, in truth.
Perhaps she seeks a more contented end;
A salve for years she spent on you in youth.
What kind of man, to find himself apart,
Should in the slight of others seek delight?
Is this the cause behind your caustic heart,
And why, perhaps, you lie alone at night?
Your brother sleeps a slumber sweet again -
The peaceful dreams of steady, hushed relief;
They lie beyond the grasp of meaner men -
Of those whod rather woes, than shed their grief.
But still, my friend - theres time for comfort yet:
To learn to love and live, forgive, forget.
To read your verse is truly a delight.

But that means naught for its veracity;
The message it contains, I somewhat spite,
For it does paint a portrait not of me.
My aestivations not a lonely one,
For am I pleasured by a nightly hand,
Which pulls the trigger of my fleshy gun,
Unloading with vigour my bloated gland.
All this is not to speak of my convive:
The great comrade of my concupiscence.
With whom the dreary night is set alive,
From sleepy sky, a passion most intense.
This person is the soul from which you come;
I talk, of course, about your dearest mum.
You neednt spend your nights in lonely doubt

(Although Im sure youve little option more) -
Be bold, my wayward friend, and ask her out!
At worst, shell laugh, like all the girls before.
When next youve spent your swift but nightly task;
When next youve filled the box beneath your bed;
Retrieve your best fedora, friend, and ask -
Or plan for further lonely nights ahead.
196
If mother spurns your nice but wordy plea,
Or notes, perhaps, the social airs you lack -
Your brothers always willing, waiting free.
I somewhere heard he sleeps upon his back.
Be brave. Be bold. Be true, my friend. Be you.
At least youll interact with someone new.
The box beneath [my] bed in which I spend

The salty spirit of my one eyed friend;
Should be, I think, given a kinder name,
Being the now-stretched hole from which you came.
And the procumbent nature of my kin,
Is of far great weight to you than me -
For after all that one great rectal sin,
Makes bruisd sores of tired, gaping thee.
A lot of men in solitude reside,
But I am not of their putrescent ilk.
Instead I apricate in prudent pride,
Adorned in the svelte love of womans silk.
You have the dire company of verse,
While I, in waiting souls, my seed disperse.
My mothers silk is quite the vexing trope -

Shes fifty-eight, with often-aching feet.
If silks your little fellas meagre hope,
Youre likely better sticking to your sheet.
You see, inside this picked and chosen thread,

A little honest words the thing, it seems -
The only truth thats underneath your bed
Is dust and crusty socks and broken dreams.
Imagine all you wish, my wretched friend;

Just close your eyes and try - I understand.
Im sure its hard to live when in the end,
The only love you knows your questing hand.
Alas, my friend, Im sadly out of time.

Im o to work - but loved the chance to rhyme.
:)
197
does dierently?
2016-02-13 15:42:51
/u/smidge
/u/PhantomX182
Sleep.
That kind of thing.


198
To read your verse is truly a delight.

But that means naught for its veracity;
The message it contains, I somewhat spite,
For it does paint a portrait not of me.
My aestivations not a lonely one,
For am I pleasured by a nightly hand,
Which pulls the trigger of my fleshy gun,
Unloading with vigour my bloated gland.
All this is not to speak of my convive:
The great comrade of my concupiscence.
With whom the dreary night is set alive,
From sleepy sky, a passion most intense.
This person is the soul from which you come;
I talk, of course, about your dearest mum.
You neednt spend your nights in lonely doubt

(Although Im sure youve little option more) -
Be bold, my wayward friend, and ask her out!
At worst, shell laugh, like all the girls before.
When next youve spent your swift but nightly task;

When next youve filled the box beneath your bed;
Retrieve your best fedora, friend, and ask -
Or plan for further lonely nights ahead.
If mother spurns your nice but wordy plea,

Or notes, perhaps, the social airs you lack -
Your brothers always willing, waiting free.
I somewhere heard he sleeps upon his back.
Be brave. Be bold. Be true, my friend. Be you.

At least youll interact with someone new.

does dierently?
2016-02-13 14:53:32
/u/smidge
199
/u/PhantomX182
Sleep.
That kind of thing.





200
#845 What is one unwritten rule you think everyone
should know and follow?
2016-02-10 22:50:36
/u/Ovenproofcorgi
/u/britzka
Having a bad day doesnt mean that you have to ruin other peoples day.
/u/ask me if Im lying
A girl at my work pulled that line on our boss. It didnt go well.

Boss: Sarah, your report was due yesterday and I need it for a meeting Im going to in
20 minutes.
Sarah (interrupting): IM HAVING A BAD DAY, I DONT NEED THIS SHIT RIGHT
NOW .
Boss: Can I see you in my oce.
/u/DinosaurPizzaParty
The Boss should have said, Its about to get worse.

Cmon, the setup was right there
When Sarahs had a crappy day,

And apt to snap, annoyed -
She finds her anger slips away,
And leaves her unemployed.
#844 What is one unwritten rule you think everyone

should know and follow?
2016-02-10 22:32:58
/u/Ovenproofcorgi
/u/adamrocks84
Urinal etiquette. No talking, eyes forward, leave a space.
201
/u/JollyCoOptimus
Hold your peace while you hold your piece
Ive always thought - and all for naught,

Im sure, he sadly sighed -
Id like to buy a butterfly
To watch it drift and glide.
Id think it neat and awful sweet,

He smiled and softly spoke -
To see them soar and move and more
Like tiny floating folk.
A fancy few of red and blue

To shelter, save, and show.
A simple scheme - a simple dream,
But sort of nice, you know?
So long, he said, and shook his head,

Then shook his head : farewell.
The other, free, began to pee,
And whispered: . . . what the hell?
#843 What NSFW thing have you seen in public that you
will NEVER forget?
2016-02-10 16:08:37
/u/tomgoodyear
/u/mental filter gone
Once when I was at an outdoor swimming pool in my tweens we were in a mixed group
playing with big inflatable tires in the water close to me. One of the girls climbed on top
near me and her bikini bottom got briefly stuck on the valve, giving me a brief full flash
of her pussy.
The image was burned in my mind, and years and years of masturbating to the image
has not diminished the hotness of the situation.
202
Come gather, ye children - ye darlings of youth;

Ill spin you a story of passion and truth!
Ill tell you a tale of delights and desires -
Of vulvas and valves and of titties and tires!
The children were gathered. They listened, beguiled.

He told them his story, and wistfully smiled:
And oh! he concluded: I still see it yet -
That day in the pool that Ill never forget.
#842 What movie could have ended in minutes due to the

technology we have today?
2016-02-07 18:51:22
/u/hardangelfan
/u/Punstu-
Lord of the rings, Id love to see that fuckin eye get the ring while its floating past Jupiter.
/u/ParuppuFiction
I just had the thought of a couple of F-16s taking on the Nazgul and it made my day.
/u/AWildSketchAppeared
I just had the thought of a couple of F-16s taking on the Nazgul and it made my day.
http://i.imgur.com/DNp1ztt.jpg
203
Beneath the stormy, crimson sky,

Beyond the shadows line,
They stretched their wings and rose to fly -
The cold.
The dead.
The Nine.
They thrashed and swept on wicked wing;

They smote and struck and slayed -
And onward rode the Nazgul King,
With spiked and spiny blade.
Their armies fell before his spell,

Destroyed to smithereens -
Until they blew him back to hell
With fucking F-16s.
#841 Scuba Divers of reddit who have masturbated at

great depths, what were your experiences?
2016-02-06 11:47:30
/u/TeamDodgy
/u/AntonyLoveless
Im a scuba diver, and Ive knocked one out 1,000ft under the Atlantic.
(I was on board a Royal Navy nuclear hunter-killer submarine at the time though, so I
cant say it felt a great deal dierent to being on terra firma)
/u/TheAeolian
I mean, it answers the question. . .
Although his answer fits the bill -

An ocean-motion salty-spill -
In truth, my friends, I think youll find. . .
It wasnt what we had in mind.
204
#840 What seemed 100% legit at the time?
2016-02-04 21:09:25
/u/HisDogKazak
/u/Supernova6
My girlfriends love for me.

:(
/u/Adolf- -Hitler
Dont be sad, she will probably end up loving someone else and be happy :)
I dont need an answer. I dont need relief.

I dont need a rest from the pain and the grief.
I dont need a how or a why or a when.
I dont even need her to love me again.
I dont need a pause from persisting, bereft.

I dont need to fathom the reasons she left.
I dont need a note, or a text from her phone.
. . . I just want to see her forever alone.
:)
#839 What thing from the 90s do you think should make
a comeback?
2016-02-03 21:07:36
/u/FivePlus
/u/butterwurtch
The economy.
205
/u/cashcow1
Im voting for Clinton.

Bill Clinton.
In shades and crescendos and surges of light,

He came through the portal and raced through the night!
Ive done it! he cried, with a laugh and a grin -
Ive got the economy, help me begin!
But no one believed him - they just didnt care.

They stared at him, speechless, in silent despair.
Their savings were squandered and spent in the slump.
They sighed in surrender. . . and voted for Trump.
#838 What little curse could you put on someone that

would eventually drive them insane?
2016-02-01 17:22:13
/u/littlegraysheep
/u/littlescatterbrain
That one sock is always turned just enough to be slightly uncomfortable no matter how
many times they adjust it
206
He waits, awake, in sleepless dreams

Of ticking fabric clocks -
Of haunted heels and turning seams;
Of reason, sense, and socks.
He dreams of swords in every stride;

Of spikes in every space -
Of awkward pains that rise inside,
And points in every pace.
And so he stands. He counts to three.

He grins with glee, and then -
He takes the saw and bends his knee.
They never itch again.
#837 Whats the one advice you will give your son/daughter
someday?
2016-01-31 17:37:12
/u/MasterOldMind
/u/flimsyairplanes
The same thing my grandfather and my mom always told me:

This too shall pass.
207
My mother said: When winds are rough,

And tear at hopes and dreams -
When days are dark, and nights are tough,
And over-long, it seems -
When bitter clouds collect above,

And ache and break and pour -
Well batten down the hatches, love,
Just like we did before.
You see, to me - were made to last;

To wait, contented, warm;
To stand and know the past has passed.
For now, its just a storm.
#836 If the You are what you eat expression was a

reality, what would you currently be?
2016-01-31 16:45:36
/u/cptwinters09
/u/Xeizar
Fat
208
He mashed with his mashers, and mindfully munched -

He chomped with his chompers, and cravingly crunched -
He nibbled and gobbled and guzzled and chewed -
He foraged and fed on a fountain of food!
A pudding. A pancake. A pizza. A pie -

A mountain of candy that stretched to the sky!
A cluster of chickens. A cookie. A cake -
They crumbled inside him, and fell in his wake!
He scoed and he snacked and he swallowed his haul -

With nary a thought to the fallout at all!
For when he had feasted and finished the feat -
He found, to his horror: you are what you eat.
#835 Whats something that got old REALLY fast?

2016-01-27 18:17:11
/u/Cany0udance
/u/Rojnova
The Be Like Bill meme.

Im so tired of it.
/u/Mermelephant
The It Works people are doing it now.

Chelsie buys wraps when theyre 2 for 1. Chelsie knows a good deal. Chelsie is smart.
Be like Chelsie.
No chelsie. No.
/u/bamber79
About 46 of my Facebook friends sell that garbage. Everytime another one joins that
pyramid scheme I think Huh, I didnt realize that person was so stupid.
209
This is Chelsie.
Chelsies smart.
Chelsies sales are o the chart.
Chelsie needs a new recruit.
Chelsies fucking destitute.
#834 Whats something that got old REALLY fast?

2016-01-27 17:43:32
/u/Cany0udance
/u/Rojnova
The Be Like Bill meme.

Im so tired of it.
/u/GavinRidley
Seriously fuck that meme. Its been around for years and it wasnt all that funny when
it first appeared. Chuckle worthy at most. But now were inundated with the most
uncreative and unimaginative posts, unoriginal parodies and stupid Facebook Be Like
Bill generators that honestly just shout, Im a cunt!
This is Bill, and how Bill ends.

Bills a dick to all his friends.
Bill makes shitty memes until -
No ones fucking fond of Bill.
#833 What is the worst possible way to be woken up?

2016-01-25 18:50:48
/u/TheCreatorLovesYou
210
/u/afreakineggo
My friends dad woke him up once by pouring a gas can on him. When my friend realized
what was going on, his dad was lighting a match and threw it at him. . . . The gas can
was filled with water. Never overslept for school again.
/u/NotALickofSense
How to give your child trust issues 101.
/u/way fairer
How to give your child body image issues: use real gasoline.
/u/cranberry94
Well, the kid wouldnt have issues for long
/u/Minneapolis W
Theyd have issues for the rest of their life.
When Little Timmy woke, delayed,

And missed the bus to school -
His father pondered, mulled, and made
A new, exciting rule.
Hed scanned and searched a certain site,

And found, with impish joy -
With wicked wit and dark delight -
The most amazing ploy.
The moment came - he set the scene,

And dropped the match with pride.
But Timmys dad used gasoline.
211
#832 Police of Reddit : What are your most fucked up
cases ?
2016-01-23 19:26:07
/u/Championman6000
/u/thepatman
I investigated a Catholic priest for molesting children. A church higher-up interfered with
the investigation, and then tried to use that interference as negotiating tactics for a plea.
When the churchs lawyer found out I was pushing to have the higher-up arrested, they
casually threatened to have me excommunicated.
Im Catholic on paper, but non-practicing, so it wasnt really an issue for me - but the
brazenness of it was fucked up. They were willing to wreck my religious life to protect a
molesting priest and his boss.
/u/kbgames360
As a Catholic, I am always disappointed that this happens within the church. I have
always wondered why the ones who do this get away with it. They shouldnt. Regardless
of who committed the crime, they need to do the time. If I was excommunicated for being
on the investigation, I think my families views of the Catholic Church would change.
Edit: I should add, I am very much against actions not only committed by priests and
religious ocials, but anyone who commits the crime. There are no excuses if you commit
the crime, and you should be punished for it, no matter who you are.
If when you work for what is right;

For innocence and youth -
If when you stand up strong to fight
For justice, hope, and truth -
If when you see a safe belief

Of what is fine and fair -
Abused and bruised, and used for grief,
Or pained beyond compare -
If all you hold divine and dear

Is sullied, squandered, strange -
Or met with hate and faced with fear. . .
Then something has to change.
212
#831 Which persistent misconception/myth annoys you
the most?
2016-01-23 18:19:49
/u/adeebchowdhury
/u/fuckswithducks
Im tired of the belief that rubber ducks are just for kids. Throughout history, they have
had plenty of other functions and are much much more versatile than just a toy for babies.
Often when I try to buy a rubber duck in a store by myself Ill get weird looks or the
cashier will ask if Im going to a baby shower or something. Nope, Im going to put it in
my ass tonight!
/u/HalonCS
Good to hear that youre not using live ducks anymore.
Theres nothing wrong, he started strong,

And spoke, with stirring pride:
In staying true and firm to you,
And who you are inside!
Im not ashamed, he cried, inflamed,

To swear for all to see -
That I will stand, and raise a hand,
For rights, and creeds, and me!
So do your worst! he wept and cursed:

Subject my soul to strife!
For I am free to boldly be;
To proudly live my life!
She waited, dazed, and stopped, amazed,

To feel his fury pass -
And shook her head. Okay, she said.
. . . but whys it up your ass?
213
#830 Was there ever a secret passageway or secret
room at your home, school or workplace? Did you ever
find it? If so, what was there?
2016-01-22 19:32:28
/u/cptnhaddock
/u/ginger-in-the-wild
My high school had a vast network of tunnels starting under the stage. Found a sex
couch, 2 bongs, 40 years worth of set pieces and the original plans for a highway the cuts
through my town
TIL: Literally EVERYONE had tunnels under their high school. And I bet we all thought
our respective schools were unique for it lmao
/u/Steeleface
how did you know it was a sex couch?
/u/HauschkasFoot
Because he saw his mom sitting on it, duh
Through the dark, he wandered, creeping,

Passed the dusky silent, sleeping,
Shadow-shapes in shades of sweeping
Dim and dismal dread -
Tunnels twist and swooped in swirling,

Weaving, winding, writhing, whirling,
Changing folds of curved and curling
Tangled turns ahead -
Still he sought to probe for plunder,

Try for treasures, wealth and wonder -
Till he saw it waiting under:
What the. . . mom? he said.
214
#829 What Industry isnt as Shady as We Might Think?
2016-01-18 23:48:03
/u/Snarky Slytherin
/u/Fredfredbug4
GMOs are currently stopping billions of people from starving.

Edit: A brief FAQ because Im getting more replies than I can realistically respond to.
What is a GMO?: GMO stands for Genetically Modified Organism. In most conver-
sations, it refers to crops that are genetically modified to improve yield, resistance to
insects, drought and disease, and shelf life.
How many crops are really GMOs?: Roughly 85% of all crops in the United States
alone are GMOs
Isnt hunger caused by distribution?: Hunger is caused by many things. One of the
biggest, if not the biggest is distribution. GMOs help solve this problem because they
have a longer shelf life, allowing them to be transported over greater distances.
Arent bugs becoming resistant to the pesticides used on GMOs? Yes. However
look at it this way. Every year, the flu virus becomes resistant to the existing vaccine,
forcing doctors to create a new one every year. Simply put, we need to research newer
pesticides.
Arent Monsantos business practices bad?: Monsanto isnt the only GMO pro-
ducer, but it depends. Companies ultimately have to turn a profit. In order to keep
providing so many GMOs that people can eat, they need to stay afloat. The real issue
with Monsanto is that in many places it is eectively a monopoly, not their products
or even their corporate policies. Its just that they dont have any real competition in
many countries. Laws should certainly be in place limiting the extent of this to allow the
opportunity for other GMO producers to grow.
Are you a corporate shill for the GMO corporations?: No, Im a college student.
/u/darkestsoul
I hate the fact that Chipolte proudly shows they dont serve GMOs. Way to spread
bullshit fear mongering.
/u/(deleted user)
Chipotle serves all organic E. coli.
215
When Little Timmy went for lunch,

He stopped, and cheerful, chose:
The very best burrito-brunch,
Devoid of GMOs!
He slowly paused to read the sign:

Were proud to serve instead
Authentic food on which to dine -
Unmodified! it said.
And so he gaily made his way

To step, content, inside.
But Timmy ate at Chipotle.
#828 What Industry isnt as Shady as We Might Think?

2016-01-18 21:43:59
/u/Snarky Slytherin
/u/fuckswithducks
The porn industry. Theres a common misconception that porn sites give you viruses.
In reality, theyre just products like anything else and only the sites where you can
download/stream illegal uploads are sketchy.
On the filming side, most big studios require regular STD tests for their actors and have
a lot of guidelines about what they can/cant film. I have hired several fetish studios and
seen that they check that their models are comfortable with everything before accepting
any job, even if Im only asking for something simple like masturbating with a rubber
ducky.
Oh please! he said, and shook his head:

Ill pay you - fifty bucks!
They picked a chick and filmed a flick,
Entitled: This Guy Ducks.
216
#827 What industry is shadier than most people realise?
2016-01-18 17:36:29
/u/HTS1231
/u/themrpink
Umbrella manufacturing.
When Little Timmy found the place

Where brollies come to be -
Umbrellas hung from every space
Inside the factory.
He clapped his hands, and shook his head

To see the splendid sight:
Its pretty shady here, he said,
And laughed with deep delight.
The workers grinned to hear his joke -

Then slowly, sadly sighed.
But now you know the truth, they spoke. . .
#826 Redditors who quit their jobs in a blaze of glory,

whats your story?
2016-01-17 16:49:06
/u/0anonymous1
/u/souIIess
It wasnt really a blaze, but I worked in a big oil company and was about to switch jobs
due to a better oer.
Somehow through connections I learned that my current employer was about to let a
lot of people go, so I signed up for my new job with a start date 6 months from then,
waited for the announcement of severance packages, then cashed in 12 months payment
(eectively earning a dual salary for one year), and took a 3 month vacation.
I left that job with a huge smile on my face.
217
/u/Triapod
It wasnt really a blaze, but I worked in a big oil company
That would have been something, huh.
Im finished, I said with a satisfied sigh:

Good riddance! I muttered: Godspeed, and goodbye!
I left in a blaze, with a jubilant shout.
The cops were suspicious, but no one found out.
#825 Redditors who quit their jobs in a blaze of glory,

whats your story?
2016-01-17 16:28:30
/u/0anonymous1
/u/onetimerone
Told the oce manager that he couldnt arrange a successful girl scout cookie drive leave
lone run a business. On the way out I told him I was going to report him to the state
labor board for working everyone 8.5 hours a day without lunch. The state made him cut
me a check for 2.5 years of missed lunches.
All right then, I said with a sigh and a smile -

He stared at me, speechless. I paused for a while.
We waited in silence. I whispered: Okay -
Then lets fucking see what the state has to say!
And then, to explosions; to freewheelin tunes -

To rockets and sparkles and bursting balloons -
To heaps of composure, and whirlwinds of wit -
I gave him the finger and whispered: I quit.
218
#824 What made you realize you were getting older?
2016-01-16 18:25:33
/u/Andinian
/u/musixmlife
Realizing $100 isnt a lot of money.
/u/Summerie
Realizing $1000 isnt a lot of money is worse.
/u/vilkav
1000$ is a lot to pay, but little to have
A thousand dollars aint a lot. . .

But if its more than all you got -
A thousand dollars is, to me,
A sweeter sum than seems to be.
#823 Alan Rickman, giant of British film and theatre,

dies at 69
2016-01-14 13:54:10
/u/North London Gunner
[Link]
/u/DarthMurdok
Holy crap, this has been an awful start of the year.
/u/SmithFire13
Seriously, this is brutal. If the celebrity trio thing is for real, I dont think Im ready for
the next shoe to drop.
219
/u/DarthMurdok
Lemmy, Bowie and Rickman. I think the rule of three is complete though could be
argued that is just started again. The actor who played the mayor in ghostbusters died
yesterday.
Thats quite enough of strain and strife,

And painful days, astray.
This isnt fucking funny, life.
Enough for now, okay?
#822 What rides would you find at an abusement park?

2016-01-13 22:11:01
/u/sonic tower
/u/dgmilo8085
House of self reflection mirrors
220
I stood before my counterpart,

Apart, howbeit, whole -
And through his eyes I saw my heart;
My hopes; my dreams; my soul.
I saw his seasoned face of fear -

His choices, made amiss -
The life he led that led me here;
The steps I stepped to this.
I saw the man hed hoped to be;

The ghosts of all before -
And thought of all, and all of me,
And all of this, and more.
And there, beside the polished shrine

To all I hoped and had -
A shadow held his hand in mine,
And said: Its my turn, dad.
#821 Reddit 101: What are the basic things a New/Clueless

Redditor should know?
2016-01-11 14:30:19
/u/WhatIwanttodowithlyf
221
If reddits a site youve discovered of late

(Youve clicked on a thread and youve swallowed the bait) -
Before you distinguish the rough from refined,
Consider the basics to bear in your mind:
Remember when browsing, in all that you do:

Youre talking to people - to people like you.
Consider perspectives before you embark -
And read what youre rating before you remark!
Remember that votings a valuable force

For spotlighting substance, advice, or a source.
Dont criticise blindly, or silence with glee -
And dont simply upvote because you agree!
Remember, that whether youre wrong or youre right -

Theres never a need for unkindness or spite.
Behave with good will, and good grace, and good sense -
And know that a moron delights in oence.
Remember, for any enjoyment or care -

Theres subs by the thousands to enter and share!
For actions, distractions, attractions, and more!
Have fun while you do it - go forth and explore!
#820 David Bowie dies, age 69.

2016-01-11 10:14:07
/u/Callahandy
[Link]
/u/PicklesOfDethklok
Heres a story about David Bowie I love to share on reddit.

Around 2002-03, David Bowie was on tour and he played my city. I had an acquaintance
from da klubb who had cancer. . . 22 year old girl. Her cancer was so bad that tumors
made it impossible for her to walk and she was in the hospital permanently when he
came through. She left the hospital to see the show and she was the only person he let
backstage. She was ecstatic. She immediately went back to the sterile cold hospital to
deal with real life again. . . and the very next day he shows up unannounced to bring a
little bit of happiness to her.
I hope he got all the support that he gave. Its not easy being around sick people, and
222
he didnt have to. The world needs more people like him.
/u/usernotvalid
Thank you for sharing this. Its really great to hear that someone I really looked up to
was also a good person.
He passes high, and passing by,

Beyond the moon and mars -
A starmans waiting in the sky.
Theres stardust in the stars.
#819 What is something someone said that changed your

way of thinking forever?
2016-01-09 17:12:56
/u/prototype03
/u/CantKate
My crazy German hippie Godfather once sat me down when I was an angsty self destruc-
ting teen and said look, kate, I love you and I will always, always be here to help you
pick up the pieces- but jesus fuck does there need to be so many pieces?
If you should fray, or fall apart,

In any where or when -
Ill always try, with all my heart,
To make you whole again.
But if you choose to fall behind,

And break and shake to bits -
The day may come where I wont find
A single piece that fits.
223
#818 What was the most unusual situation you have wo-
ken up to?
2016-01-08 18:31:37
/u/BunnyHyde
/u/Mungo Clump
Many years back, I woke up cold, wet and surrounded by confused (and slightly scared)
children.
I sat up and bumped my head on a swing seat, that was inconveniently placed directly
above my head.
I rubbed my sore noggin and found that in addition to the obvious hangover + the recent
bump, I also had a large painful egg-sized swelling on the back of my head.
I glanced around and realised I was in a camp-site. Ah yes. I was here with a friend
camping on our way to Scotland.
Vague memories of a heavy night drinking in the sites bar came back. I looked beyond
the gaggle of bewildered children and saw my tent.
How the hell did I not make the 200 yards between the bar and my tent? Ah yes. . . a
childrens playground - too tempting for a drunken buoon such as myself. In fact, I seem
to remember standing on the swing, slipping o, hitting the ground hard, sitting up and
then. . . ah. . . that explains the bump on the back of the head + probably the sleep.
I then became angry. What sort of a friend would have left me there all night? I was
freezing, bleeding and soaking wet. I muttered something of an apology to the kids and
stood up on wobbly legs and started a slow shue of shame towards my tent.
One of the braver kids pulled on my sleeve and pointed behind me.
I turned around to see what he was pointing at, and saw the answer to my question:
There he was. My friend was passed-out, face-down on the roundabout, with his head
over the edge as the wind gently blew him round, with an almost beautiful circle of vomit
below.
That sort of friend. is the sort of friend who does that.
(Epilogue:
As we made our way back to our tent, we heard a whistle and were beckoned-
over by a family in a near-by caravan. We were ready with our most sincere grovelling
apologies, but they laughed and said We wondered when you two would get-up. . . here,
weve made you breakfast.)
(Best
cup of tea Ive had in my life - and Im an Englishman. Thank you kind campers.
And sorry children)
TLDR: Im a twat
/u/Kittenflu44
This is my favorite story in here. What else are friends for, if not to drunkenly pass out
on a playground with you?
Edit: /u/poem for your sprog replying to my comment is way better than gold!
Edit2: and now I have gold to prove it!
224
When drunken, aching, waking ends

To wounds, and wounded pride -
The very best and finest friends
Are lying there beside.
#817 Whats the most simple thing youve ever had to

explain to a fully competent adult?
2016-01-08 02:26:07
/u/lolsecks
/u/RamsesThePigeon
The following exchange is oered verbatim (or as near to it as I can remember):

HER: That suit would look great on you.
ME: (Checking the price) Too bad I dont have $900.
HER: Just use your credit card.
ME: I still wouldnt have $900.
HER: What are you talking about?
ME: I try to pay o my balance in full when I use my credit card. $900 is more than I
can aord right now.
HER: (Irritated ) That makes zero sense. Nobody pays for credit cards! They give them
to you!
ME: Not the card; the balance. The bill.
HER: What bill?
ME: . . . The credit card bill? The one you have to pay every month?
HER: No, you dont.
ME: Okay, well, I guess you can make minimum payments, but. . .
HER: (Interrupting) What are you talking about?! You are making zero sense. If you
dont like the suit, just say so!
ME: I do like the suit, I just cant aord it. Using my credit card wouldnt magically
make it so I wouldnt have to pay.
HER: You dont pay for credit cards. God, what is wrong with you?
ME: Wait. Do you mean that youve never paid your credit card bill?
HER: Theres no such thing! Credit cards are so you dont have to pay.
It eventually came to light that the young woman had been given her credit card by her
parents, who paid the balance for her whenever they received a bill. This revelation only
occurred after Id been accused of trying to make her feel guilty for buying sweatshop
clothing, though I never did figure out where that connection occurred.
TL;DR: Credit cards are not the equivalent of free money.
225
/u/DuckTub
Thats. . . .
Thats kinda sad
Ill put it on the card! she cried,

And flashed her plastic friend -
Her magic-stringless-shopping-guide;
Her endless means to spend.
Its true, she said then sighed instead,

And clutched her card with glee -
Its like they say of life, she said:
The best of things are free.
And so she gaily paid her way,

As every purchase passed -
And it was sweet until the day
The bill arrived, at last.
#816 Whats something everyone knows but no one wants

to admit?
2016-01-07 17:30:59
/u/cle de brassiere
/u/MaMaJillianLeanna
Every woman knows that sometimes, because of the way youre sitting, a fart bubble will
travel frontwards up your lady lips. . .
There. . . I said it.
/u/PM ME UR FARTS GIRL
( )
226
When tiny thunder under roars,

And smoothly, swiftly slips -
I often hope it softly soars
Beyond my lady lips.
#815 Whats something everyone knows but no one wants

to admit?
2016-01-07 17:10:33
/u/cle de brassiere
/u/Mogbog997
Emails dont just get lost. Everyone knows you got it and ignored it, but we all go
along with it so that we can use the lie at some point in the future
Good heavens, he muttered in penitence, pained:

It must have been lost on the way, he explained -
And even before he was finished and through. . .
I knew that he knew that I knew that he knew.
I waited, frustrated, debating to act:

To crush his concoction, or pass it with tact;
To bare, with description, his fictional feat;
To cover distortion, deception, deceit.
He lingered in silence. I formed my reply.

The tension crescendoed until, with a sigh,
I stared at him sombre and soundless, and then -
I answered: Oh yeah man Ill send it again.
227
#814 What are some simple things you can do to make
yourself more attractive?
2016-01-05 19:52:23
/u/Griolion
/u/red-bot
Put your damn shoulders back, have a confident walk, and dont stare at the ground
all the time as you walk. Ive always been told these things by my parents and others..
I never really noticed how stupid it looks until I saw some people walking around my
college campus with their head at a 90 angle to the ground while walking. E: Thanks
to all who have responded thus far. Just wanted to share a couple of resources. First
is a Ted Talk video on the power of posture. The second was pointed out to me by
/u/ApologizingCanadian and is an instructional video for better posture and was origi-
nally posted by /u/HothHanSolo in this LPT thread which /u/taranteam pointed out to
me! Thanks guys!!
If you can hold your head up high

With confidence and pride -
While all the thoughts within you vie,
And fight for room inside -
If you can stand, with courage found,

Or boldly step with grace -
To bravely show the world youre bound,
And poised to find your place -
If you can fake to make it true,

Or further, friend, by far -
Youll find, inside, the other you.
The you you really are.
#813 What are some simple things you can do to make

yourself more attractive?
2016-01-05 18:19:23
/u/Griolion
228
/u/Ilovesnorcula
smile :)
Whenever youre bashful; whenever youre blue -

Embarrassed and awkward and angry with you -
Whenever youre feeling unlovely, alone -
A loveliness waits, and its all of your own.
Whenever youre down, and whenever youre out -

In sadness, in sorrow, in darkness, in doubt -
Remember: if you have the will for a while -
Theres fountains of charm to be found in a smile.
:)
#812 What is the most bullshit sounding true fact that

you know?
2016-01-03 18:52:08
/u/Uptown-Funk
/u/Andromeda321
Astronomer here! The coldest known place in the universe is not in outer space, but is
actually on Earth. Even the deepest, darkest dust clouds in outer space arent estimated
to get colder than a few degrees Kelvin, but we can get to temperatures just a fraction
of a degree above absolute zero routinely in labs on Earth.
/u/Thameus
Or your exs heart.
229
Were o, he cried and clapped with pride,

To sail amongst the stars!
Well take a trip upon a ship
To walk the moon and mars!
Well float and fly beyond the sky,

In search of ice, my boy!
The coldest place in all of space!
He cried aloud with joy.
And so he went, and left, content,

To make his earnest start.
He searched around. . . and quickly found
My exs fucking heart.
#811 What is the most bullshit sounding true fact that

you know?
2016-01-03 18:49:20
/u/Uptown-Funk
/u/-eDgAR-
In 1956, for a bet and while drunk, a man stole a small plane from New Jersey and then
landed it perfectly on the narrow street in front of the bar he had been drinking at. Then,
two years later, he did it again after a man didnt believe he had done it the first time.
Here is an article about it.
/u/Zeruvi
hold my beer!
Tommy, not again. . .
Alright! he said, and shook his head:

Its time I proved it then!
The barman sighed and sadly cried:
For fucks sake, not again!
230
#810 Which subreddit has the most over-the-top angry
people in it (and why)?
2016-01-02 21:36:24
/u/9drank7up
[removed]
/u/Pun-Master-General
/r/fuckyou
Its literally just people saying fuck you to each other.
/u/UpsetUnicorn
Image
Theyre happy for the mention. Fuck yes!
Men! they shouted: Friends and neighbours -

Heres the fruit of all our labours!
All the words of whim and wonder -
Nows the time to reap the plunder!
Now, they cried, with joy, delighted,

All are coming; all invited!
Say it strong, and say it loudly:
Fuck you reddit - fuck you proudly!
#809 If you could ban anything, what would you ban?

Why?
2015-12-30 17:54:57
/u/Alienosaur
/u/ceilingkat
Those websites that make you click through a million slides just to get each little nugget
of information.
231
Youll never
Guess
What happened
Next,
It promised,
bit by bit.
And by
the time
I reached the text,
I didnt
give
a shit.
#808 If you could ban anything, what would you ban?

Why?
2015-12-30 17:43:50
/u/Alienosaur
/u/Mac30123456
I would ban those radio commercials that have honking, crashing and emergency sirens.
Its just not safe.
/u/HuskerDave
This is actually a realistic thing to ban.
/u/TheWatersOfMars
Too realistic. I say we ban all Muslims by building a giant wall on the east coast and
make the Mexicans pay for it!
232
Gosh darn it! thought Donald: enough is enough!

Campaigning is draining and dreadfully tough!
Im lost in a feeling of darkness and doubt -
I need to escape it! I need to get out!
But how do I do it? he pondered in plight:

Perhaps theres a way if I package it right.
Lets ban immigration and build up a wall -
Theyre Muslims,said Donald, and Mexicans, all!
Well that ought to do it, he thought with a grin -

Ill drop out tomorrow and shroud it in spin.
His publicist rang as he readied for bed:
Your ratings have never been higher! he said.
#807 NSFW What is something you are hiding from your

family?
2015-12-26 18:12:07
/u/ACKRlTE
/u/trolol 12
If it werent for my little brother/ sister I would be comfortable cutting them out com-
pletely.
Little sister made Christmas worth it when she wore my gift non stop, and after she
saw I didnt get anything but Oreos, had me open some of her gifts. They say shes a
brat/bitch. But you have to know how to talk to her and shes the sweetest thing on
Earth.
My little brother hardly ever talks to anyone, so it makes me happy when I came over
and he showed me his progress in his games that I got him, and asked me for help.
Wish I had the money to adopt those poor bastards.EDIT: thanks for all the kind messages
and PMs. I appreciate it. Even the weird challenges to video games, I know thats you
guys being nice. Thanks everyone, merry Christmas. EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold! Glad
it was this post and not one of my dumb puns. Merry Christmas!
233
We sat there together, us company three -

My brother and sister; my wonderful we.
Youre all that I need, I had whispered, and more -
Im happy, I told them. They asked me: what for?
For this, I replied to a smile from below:

For warm woollen jumpers, and steps in the snow.
For stockings; for stories; for tenderness, true -
For love and for laughter; for Christmas; for you.
:)
#806 GUYS: What is the most awkward thing a girl has

ever said to you?
2015-12-24 16:21:42
/u/reddit36998
/u/edwardshinyskin
nce, having a sonogram of the area btween my balls and my thigh, they sent 60-yr-old
lady in there to do th sonogram.
It was clear that he had retired from somewhere, and one back to school so that she could
b a sonogram tech and look at bbies all day.
She was so mad tht she was going to have to sonogram ome 25-yr-old dudes balls.
As oon as she walked in the room she hd a scowl on her face, and when he opened my
chart to see what was oing on, she was immediately upset.
he was trying to rub that petroleum cnduction jelly between my balls and thigh wthout
actually touching or moving anything.
o, I politely moved my cock out f the way like any gentleman would d, and she got all
flustered and houted Dont touch it! as if I wre masturbating or somehow getting
leasure out of the experience.
Ive nver been so mad and embarassed at th same time.
/u/HerpaDerpaShmerpadin
You should have popped a boner just to stick it to her.
234
Dont! she grumbled, discontented,

While I lay and thus, lamented:
Anus showing, balls presented -
Weak and meek and more.
So I screamed with perfect pleasure:

Lube me at your lovely leisure!
Thats the ticket! Find the treasure!
Sonogram me, whore!
#805 What will be your generations equivalent of I had

to walk 15 miles uphill both ways in the snow?
2015-12-24 15:43:45
/u/CruzaComplex
/u/Shandrith
I went to school before Google existed
When I was young, my father spoke,

We had no web to read -
No cyber-searching inter-folk
For information, freed.
There was no page designed to find;

No net in which to turn;
No browser, site and search combined,
To help we children learn.
He slowly, sadly shook his head,

Then sighed with sorrow, deep.
We had to open books, he said.
I turned away to weep.
:(
235
#804 Whats the most ridiculous thing youve bullshitted
someone into believing?
2015-12-23 14:40:25
/u/Letly
/u/ThatYourFinger
This was a few weeks ago.

I was discussing with my co-worker how scientists recently discovered a new dinosaur
species; they found tons and tons of female fossils, but none male. So scientists figured
that it might be the earliest evidence of lesbianism in the animal kingdom. She was like,
How can they tell it is female from a fossil? And I told her it had to do with certain
bones that are found only in the vagina area and the lack of certain bones that are found
around the penis area. She was fascinated.
It went on for about 20 minutes until I told her they named the species lickalottapuss.
I understand, she spoke with glee,

And tapped her head with pride:
Its nearly clearly plain to see -
I get it now! she cried.
They didnt die from lack of food,

Or inter-species war -
They werent destroyed by comets, dude,
Or time and ice and more!
They couldnt breed, evolving gay!

She said, and pondered thus:
So whats its name?
I grinned to say:
The lickalottapuss.
#803 What do you not fuck with?

2015-12-21 16:50:08
/u/PM ME UR SO
236
/u/Swevo
Tiny Hippo
/u/LurkerBurker
That was beautiful :)
/u/plzexplainthejoke
In video form link
When Little Timmy took the bus

And toured the local zoo,
He saw a hippopotamus. . .
And knew his search was through.
He laughed to see its tiny nose -

Its tiny food to eat!
Its teenie-weenie tiny toes,
And little tiny feet!
Youre all I want, and all I need -

Ill make you mine! he cried.
But tiny hippo disagreed.
#802 Reddit- What is something that businesses throw

in extra, or give free of charge that you do NOT like?
2015-12-19 17:58:01
/u/TheGr8Unknown
/u/xRaw-HD
When youre installing a program and they throw in other programs which install
automatically if you dont uncheck the box during the installation.
Fuck your toolbars.
237
/u/PMMeA10DollarPSNCode
then you see a new toolbar when opening a webpage and your like what the fuck? And
then have to go waste 5 minutes of your time deleting it.
Would you like, it questioned gaily,

Endless interruptions daily?
Interfering, irritating,
Ever-present, custom-bating,
Spam-producing, info-sending,
Hulking, skulking, seldom-ending,
Use-surveying, profit-guided,
Surreptitiously-provided,
Shameless shams of exhortation
With your current installation?
So it asked and calmly waited.
Free?! I cried, and clicked, elated.
#801 Youre in the Matrix and try to download ninja

skills like Neo, But you use Limewire. What skills do you
get instead?
2015-12-18 23:04:13
/u/this fuckin guy
/u/Argonian Skeever
Why wouldnt we be using Morpheus?
/u/this fuckin guy
This fuckin guy
/u/roses269
Im kind of sad that youre entire history isnt just you commenting This fuckin guy
over and over.
Edit: youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre
238
youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre
youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre
/u/this fuckin guy
Theres an awful lot of people saying it to me, which is nice.
/u/walkingcarpet23
This fuckin guy
/u/DisregardMyComment
Oh my god! He was just saying that an awful lot of people say that to him and you just
said it!
Although its often hard to find

The perfect, apt reply -
He sighed aloud, assured of mind,
And wrote: this fuckin guy.
#800 What is something that people wrongly assume

about you?
2015-12-17 00:25:14
/u/iamyourcheese
/u/captainmagictrousers
Apparently, whenever Im not around, my coworkers all make jokes about how grumpy
I am. But Im not grumpy at all. I just hate them and want them to die.
/u/shadowjack00
Weird how they would jump to that conclusion.
239
What up, mah dreary oce dude?

She grinned and bopped her head:
Its time you dropped the grumpy mood,
And got involved ! she said.
Youre always still ; youre always sad -

But works a place for fun!
Come on, she said - were not so bad,
When alls been said and done!
Its good to talk! she turned to go,

And gaily waved goodbye -
He watched her leave, and whispered low:
I want you all to die.
#799 REMINDER: Only the dark side posts spoilers with-

out a spoiler tag. Please, use the spoiler tag!
2015-12-15 22:35:27
/u/orangejulius
Hello friends!
This is a neighborly reminder that only dark sided redditors post spoilers without a tag!
Spoiler tags are in the sidebar and look like this when you post:
[like this](/spoiler)
It will show up like this

Dont ruin stu for other people, or youll be frozen in carbonite (aka, a ban).
Seriously though, if youre at all questioning whether something is a spoiler
or you might not be sureUSE THE SPOILER TAG OR YOULL GET
BANNED.
240
Remember, ye of force and might;

Of ancient orders, old;
Of powers dark and powers light,
The warning here foretold:
If you would seek to find your fate

Enacting beastly plans -
That just as anger leads to hate,
A spoiler leads to bans.
So take your ship or plane or pod,

And let the moment pass. . .
Unless you want an angry mod
To ban your evil ass.
#798 If you were the only person who could see on earth,
how would you convince a civilization of blind people that
the sense of sight exists?
2015-12-15 15:47:25
/u/vazz94
/u/Prime was taken
I wouldnt, I would exploit the fuck out of that advantage.
Ill tower before them

With power and might -
With vision, precision,
Perception, and sight.
The pride and the purpose. . .
My eyes, and my mind. . .
Ill reign as a king

In the land of the blind.
241
#797 What is the hardest thing about being a man?
2015-12-14 16:23:16
/u/X MR
Hey Peps
Thank you for all your responses hope you guys feel better about having a little rant i
havent seen all of your responses yet but you guys did break my inbox i only checked this
morning. and i was going to tag this serious but hey 99% of the responses were legit but
some of you were childish and decided to write your dicks in the morning i would suggest
for that to go on /r/GoneWild sub page
Cheers X MR
/u/UncleTrustworthy
Having to just take it.

Feeling depressed and hopeless? Everyone does. Suck it up.
Are you being physically or emotionally abused by your significant other? Quit complain-
ing, you can take it.
Have any sort of mental illness? White-knuckle that shit.
If you can swallow foolish fabrication,

Prepared to hold your silence day by day -
Or disregard unmanly, soft sensation,
For fear of what theyll think, and what theyll say -
If you can turn, content in constitution,

And close your eyes to truths youd rather hide -
Or hiding, bide in silent resolution,
Resolved to keep your doubt and pain inside -
If you can measure worth in skin and sinew,

And know no other portion plays a part -
And knowing, disregard the feeling in you,
For fear it weakens who you are at heart -
If you can say such meagre matters bore you,

While those around you fall till all are done -
Yours is the fate of all of those before you. . .
But then, at least, youll be a man, my son.
242
#796 Whats your favorite thing in your saved section?
2015-12-13 19:08:05
/u/madster-the-great
/u/Logiebear59
http://i.imgur.com/dVcMTvJ.gifv
/u/skitch920
There is something Dr. Seuss-y about this. I just cant put my finger on it.
The beast in the basin; the chimp in the tub -

He frowned and he fret when he went for a scrub!
He paused and he pondered and wondered and thought -
He puzzled for more than an animal ought!
I think, he exclaimed with a sigh and a smile:

Im due for a change in my fashion and style.
My cut is archaic! My furs an antique!
Id treasure the pleasure of seeming unique!
Ive had it in braids, and a bun, and a bob!

I want something better! he said with a sob.
But nobody listened - they just didnt care.
They simply ignored him and brushed at his hair.
#795 Whats your favorite thing in your saved section?

2015-12-13 19:07:00
/u/madster-the-great
/u/Logiebear59
http://i.imgur.com/dVcMTvJ.gifv
243
/u/skitch920
There is something Dr. Seuss-y about this. I just cant put my finger on it.
/u/sendphotopls
the vast amount of colors, the ridiculous animal in a tub, the fact that hes combing it. . .
yeah straight out a Dr. Seuss book
The beast in the basin; the chimp in the tub -

He frowned and he fret when he went for a scrub!
He paused and he pondered and wondered and thought -
He puzzled for more than an animal ought!
I think, he exclaimed with a sigh and a smile:

Im due for a change in my fashion and style.
My cut is archaic! My furs an antique!
Id treasure the pleasure of seeming unique!
Ive had it in braids, and a bun, and a bob!

I want something better! he said with a sob.
But nobody listened - they just didnt care.
They simply ignored him and brushed at his hair.
#794 Disney needs to calm the fuck down.

2015-12-13 17:43:34
/u/DieZauberer
[Link]
/u/mortyfy
The force awakens. . . To a freshly squeezed OJ as part of a healthy breakfast!
244
Would you like an ice-cream Wookiee?

Moulded Star Wars raisin cookie?
Yodas choice of forest flowers?
R2-D2 fashioned showers?
Would you like a Windu water?

Dooku-denims for your daughter?
Gold bikini watch and glasses?
Gungan boots to wear to classes?
Would you like a Jedi master

Smoothie sweet banana blaster?
Cold as Hoth and shaped for sharing!
. . . what the fuck? I said, despairing.
#793 What are your worst college roommate horror sto-

ries? [NSFW]
2015-12-13 02:42:23
/u/KeanusDracula
.
/u/leatherglitterlace
Freshman year is always the hardest. My first roommate came from a party family and
wanted to continue the tradition at school. I would wake up to her fucking random dudes
or loudly masturbating whilst drunk (she would sometimes throw up when orgasming).
The worst part was, she cared about her fellow partiers. Every night when she went out,
she would get smashed but would find people worse o than her. If they couldnt find
their home or communicate, shed drop them back at our tiny dorm room and go back to
parties for another few hours - if she came back at all. The bad part was my bed wasnt
lofted originally, so every night Id wake up to people getting into bed with me and have
to put them to sleep elsewhere.
The worst it ever was when she dropped o a pledge who had triple what he should have
to drink and had dropped some molly. He was all over the place and I was afraid to leave
him to sleep. She didnt come back that night. All night was spent carrying this guy back
and forth to the girls only restroom so he could try to sober up. He was pretty fucked
up well into the next day. Eventually he was good to go home and I walked him to his
dorm across campus. When I returned home, there was my roommate, furiously drunk
masturbating again.
Why would you do that Carol?!? I just wanted sleep!
Edit: Im glad my freshman year is funny for yall. Let me answer a few questions. No,
245
I havent seen the pledge since. Yes, I eventually reported her and moved to a dierent
dorm. No, I dont have her number, but I still see her around campus. No, she wasnt
hot. Thanks yall.
As you swiftly wake from slumber,

Latent feelings limp and lumber -
Through your mind in whirling number,
Round and down as well:
What remote and strange vibration

Ceased my happy hibernation?
Thus compels your consternation;
Sounds begin to swell
Then, again, as dreams are weaving;

Conscious contemplation leaving;
So you hear the haunted heaving;
Sni the stinking smell.
Thus you rise and wander, waiting,

Woeful, weary, hesitating. . .
There she thrashes, masturbating.
Carol - spawn of Hell.
#792 What experience is impossible to really understand

until it happens to you?
2015-12-13 01:39:26
/u/RedShirtLibrarian
/u/blabyda
Mental Illness.
246
Its just a phase, I used to say,

And shook my weary head:
You simply need to change your way -
Get over it, I said.
I watched them whine; they carped and cried

A common, vain belief -
Content to wear their pain with pride,
And lay their claim to grief.
. . . but then, without a word at all,

It crept from close behind -
And slowly, silence seemed to fall
Within my silent mind.
The things I thought I thought I knew

Were shortly not so sure -
And what that once before was true
Was true, it seemed, no more.
And so I tried to help them hear

The doubts inside my head -
The empty thoughts; the dread; the fear.
Get over it, they said.
#791 Redditors who have a job that requires you to go

into strangers homes, what is the craziest thing youve seen?
2015-12-09 23:24:46
/u/Mufassa121
/u/maddomesticscientist
Im relating this on behalf of my husband who doesnt Reddit. He does HVAC.

Get a call one day to this house weve been doing service at for years according to
Boss. Ive never heard of the guy. Boss seemed kind of funny when he gave me the call.
Customer isnt home and Im supposed to go around checking vents, changing filters, doing
maintenance. I walk in and theres dicks everywhere. Eight by five foot pictures of dicks
on the walls. Hand blown glass dick sculptures, dick lamps, dick throw pillows. . . hell,
even the china cabinet was full of dick dishes. I saw a casserole that the handles and lid
top were tiny dicks. So many dicks. When I went in the kitchen theres a five gallon jug
247
of lube sitting where the hand soap would be at the sink. Dude even had a dick shaped
paper towel holder. Where did he even FIND half this stu?? Every kind of knick knacks
you could imagine he had a dick knack version of. Ive never seen anything like it in my
twenty years of doing this job. Whatever floats your boat I guess but personally Id get
tired of being stared down by dicks every time I turned around.
/u/nimbusdimbus
Dick Knack. HAHAHAHA

Edit: Well, Im going to be one of those yall hate and thank the kind soul who broke my
Reddit Gold Virginity. Thank you!!
This pillow, I pondered, perturbed and amazed;

This pillow, I blundered in wonderment, dazed;
This pillow, I muddled, befuddled and vexed;
This pillows a penis, I whispered, perplexed.
Theres wangs on the window - a dick on the door;

A schlong in the sink, and a flop on the floor!
A cock in the kitchen - a chub on a chair;
Theres meat on the mantle, with pricks in a pair!
Its fucking atrocious! I angrily cussed:

You homeowner boner! I cried with disgust.
Good heavens, he spoke, with a shake of his head -
Its just my erection collection, he said.
#790 Redditors who have a job that requires you to go

into strangers homes, what is the craziest thing youve seen?
2015-12-09 22:48:56
/u/Mufassa121
/u/Jonnyk97
Actually today I saw something that made me laugh. Im a postman so didnt go inside,
but as I was walking up to the house, I could see through the window.
There was a guy riding a mobility scooter in the living room on his own, he was riding it
in a circle waving his arm above his head as if he was waving a lasso about, it was quite
awkward when he saw me and looked pretty embarrassed
248
. . . And so it raced - it charged and chased

Below the searing sky.
I raised a hand - it stomped the sand,
And watched my waiting eye.
Be still, I said, and turned my head,

To stand with eyes of steel:
There aint a beast from west to east
I havent brought to heel.
It grunted, howled, and hunted, growled,

To prowl the wild with pride -
And in the hush before the rush,
I curled the cord beside.
And so it raced - I held and braced,

And heaved the rope ahead!
. . . And saw him there behind the chair.
I got your mail? he said.
#789 What conspiracy theory can you absolutely not

stand?
2015-12-07 16:23:14
/u/radioactivemelanin
/u/TacticalFleshlight
Vapour trails from airplanes. Its physics. Not a government plot to crop-dust the world.
Edit: seems like some people are getting cloud seeding and weather control confused.
Being able to maybe make it rain in a certain spot with a certain type of cloud already
there is not CONTROLLING the weather. When you look up and see trails behind
passenger plane, they arent seeding clouds. Its a trail of condensation, get over it.
/u/5p33di3
I remember reading somewhere that if the government wanted us to absorb chemicals

without us knowing that theyd just put them in toilet paper.
249
/u/JiReilly
Not that thats a bad idea for chemical application, but do you really want to convince
all the gullible morons out there to stop wiping?
/u/5p33di3
Oh God
Its patent, he whispered: as clear as can be:

You just need the wit and the wisdom to see!
Theyre feeding you fiction, addiction, and lies!
Get wise to it sheeple, and open your eyes!
Its harmless ? Its paper ? How sad and naive!

Thats just what they want you to want to believe!
Its clearly a system to sap at the soul!
Its so unmistakably culture control!
Why else would they do it? he said with a smile,

If not for the profit, the gold, and the guile!
You get it? he spoke, as we wandered to class.
I answered: Im begging you - please wipe your ass.
#788 If all jobs paid the same and had the same hours,
what would you want to be?
2015-12-06 17:04:00
/u/Jonnyk97
/u/Ceithirfichead
Get outta here, commie
250
When little Timmy went to school,

And learned of Marx and Mao,
He thought the notion rather cool,
And right, he said, for now!
It seems to me, explained the boy,

An equal life for all -
Would make the earth a world of joy,
And help the meek and small.
Its all for one, he shook his head,

And one for all! he cried.
A commie, kids! his teacher said.
#787 What kind of fun poor experiences do you believe

the wealthy are missing out on?
2015-12-05 17:23:41
/u/Amazincrazy
/u/cant help myself
The joy that comes from knowing your friends like you for being you and not because of
your money.
EDIT: Ok, I get it, wealthy kids dont usually hang out with the food stamp kids, but
a billionaires kid is treated dierently than her merely millionaire friends. And in the
back of her mind, she wonders if her family lost their wealth would any of her friends
still be there for her. And friend also means datingfiguring out who truly loves you and
who is just there for your money.
251
Though livings tough without enough

To scrape and stumble by;
A stack of cash to save and stash
In heaps ascending high -
A lump for life; for sudden strife;

For good; for bad; for ills;
A healthy load for payments owed,
And unexpected bills -
Ive grown and learned that friendships earned,

And when this journeys through:
That in the end, a friends a friend
For nothing more than you.
#786 People who got fired on the first day of the job,
what happened?
2015-12-01 23:01:01
/u/roor1337
/u/NoxWild
Janitor job at a hospital, cleaning bathrooms in the patients rooms. An old lady laying
in her bed called me over and said she was born in Germany and shed learned to speak
English but couldnt read it very well. She had a get-well card from someone and asked
me to read the poem inside. I did. Someone reported me because I wasnt supposed to
interact with patients. Got fired before lunch.
252
She lay in her bed and she said with a smile:

Perhaps you could join me, if just for a while?
My children are absent. My husband has passed.
My friends have departed, and I am the last.
I sat down beside her and said that I would.

Id talk if she wanted - Id do what I could.
She picked up a card from her hospital stand,
And placed it, delighted, inside of my hand.
I read her the poem, and left her to dream -

He waited outside with the rest of the team.
Its sad, I expressed with a shake of my head.
He nodded politely.
Youre fired, he said.
#785 People who got fired on the first day of the job,
what happened?
2015-12-01 22:14:10
/u/roor1337
/u/MrMeeeseeks
Not me but theres a story on reddit about a teenage kid who got fired on his first day of
work at the supermarket for eating all the skin o the rotisserie chickens.
/u/Dr Mottek
I can absolutely understand that kid.
253
Seized in swathes of sweet temptation,

Sat beside his silent station,
Palms a pool of perspiration,
Pasty, vainly braced -
There he watched it winding, waiting,

Turning, twisting, twirled, rotating -
Wilted, withered will abating,
Bold resolve misplaced.
So his firmness failed and faded -

Questing, testing fingers raided.
Just a bite, he said, persuaded.
Just a tiny taste. . .
#784 What is an absolute NO NO when going for a job

interview?
2015-11-29 17:01:45
/u/MarilynSparrow
/u/niponolk
badmouthing your previous employer, bringing your anal beads.

edit: oh wow, this thing blew up and lots of questions below about how to deal with it if
your previous/current company actually was terrible, breaking some laws, tyrannical boss,
big misunderstandings and whatnot. id say its all about your tone and presentation.
there will undoubtedly be times when youre asked about your previous employer and you
dont want to lie, but sometimes keeping it vague is best rather than doling out specifics
(unless they want to delve deeper).
so in one case where the previous company committed fraud, you may decide to mention
you witnessed the company taking part in some potentially unethical things and they
made you uncomfortable (again, vague is best here) - that kind of answer is a world away
from well, the boss was an ass, the company was stealing, all of the employees were lazy,
they all treated me like crap, there was gossip, the dress code was unfair, etc. youd be
surprised at, especially with younger people, how many will come in with petty oce chat
like that. you dont need to make the prior company out to be perfect and saintly, but
you dont want to come o as if youre potentially toxic/gossipy. in a less extreme case,
something like an easy let-down breakup - it just wasnt a fit and i felt like we should go
our separate ways, im looking to grow and advance etc. use your best judgement, just
254
try not to badmouth everyone and everything unless its something totally egregious and
even then - practice tact.
this is just my limited experience where i was in charge of interviewing/hiring, my direct
manager and i would very often pass on people who seemed to carry toxicity with them.
if they had a legitimate grievance and were tactful and honest about it though, thats
something else entirely.
The kitchen was silent.

The cupboards were bare.
She waited, frustrated, and played with her hair.
She sat at the table.
She stared at the clock.
She sighed as a tick followed on from a tock.
He walked through the doorway.

You get it? she said.
He crumbled, defeated, and shaking his head.
I didnt, he whispered.
Im finished. Im through.
I showed them my anus, what more can I do?
#783 What widely hated thing do you like?

2015-11-27 17:44:10
/u/Cany0udance
/u/OldDirtyBeckett
I like you
/u/Cany0udance
:)
Edit: oh wait
/u/All-Shall-Kneel
I dont think it was a compliment OP
255
How simply delightful, he said with a smile,

To learn that youre liked every once in a while!
Disarmingly charming and charmingly great -
Stupendously splendid and splendidly. . . wait.
:(
#782 Whats the biggest lie the internet has created?

2015-11-24 19:16:44
/u/AmorVincitOmnia7
/u/UncleTrustworthy
Its not a lie that can be boiled down to a statement. Its an untrue idea that the internet
has made possible:
Its okay to never change yourself.
This is what happens when every teenager posts his or her journal or diary online for
all to see. You get groups of people who discover that others think the same way. So,
rather than try to adapt to the world, they group together and isolate themselves from
dissenting ideas.
Thus, the internet becomes a massive support group for every flavor of ignorance and
denial.
You can see it anywhere. Reddit with young men, Tumblr with young women, Facebook
with old people. If you look, you can find a group that agrees with everything you think.
And with that comes an excuse to never change or even open your mind.
/u/pieceofcheesecake
I agree. The internet has made it very easy to find a virtual safety bubble, which promotes
self-acceptance over personal growth.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
256
Its what you really ought to do -

Its what you really should.
A little change is right for you.
A little change is good.
Youre simply fine the way you are -

You neednt change your way.
Youre just unique: a shining star,
No matter what they say.
I changed for me, for mom, for dad.
I stayed the same old kid.
And now I wish I never had.
And now I wish I did.
#781 Reddit, what is your social no no that makes you

immediately turn people away?
2015-11-22 14:24:28
/u/CharacterLimitIsThis
0.4 #achievmentunlocked #frontpagefeeling
/u/jabbathechav
People being rude to service sta. Like its the waitress fault you are a picky eater you
egotistical prick.
257
Did I whisper? Did I stutter?

Did I fucking ask for butter?
How the hells it hard to cater?
God, no wonder youre a waiter!
This is what you get for hiring

Fucking kids in need of firing!
Fucking kids of any ages -
Dont you know I pay your wages?
Take it back and make it better -

Colder, cooler, warmer, wetter!
Did I order sauce for dipping?
. . . Oh, I did? Well Im not tipping!
#780 Paris attacks ringleader dead - French ocials

2015-11-19 15:22:05
/u/LowLevelMesocyclone
[Link]
Though meagre joy is found in death,

Ill gladly say with ease:
I will not waste a single breath
To mourn such men as these.
#779 What is the hardest thing you have ever said no to?
2015-11-17 16:45:06
/u/ChunkyBlaze
EDIT: Manditory RIP inbox
258
/u/DARKSTAIN
When my mom was on life support. When the doctors asked me if we want her to stay
like this. I had to say no for the whole family and her :( I keep living asking myself what
if. All the doctors could not have been wrong right. . . . They gave her no chances.
Edit: Wow I am at work and just opened my reddit account. . . I really did not expect
this. I just want to thank you reddit for the support. There is not a day that goes by
that I dont think about this decision. For 25 years she fought a brain tumor. To show
up in a hospital and find out that there is nothing that could be done after 25 years was
a shock. Its dicult for me because I know what a fighter she was.
Edit: I am going to share this with my sister. I hope it makes her see that she is not
alone either. Once again thank you.
Thank you Reddit.
/u/Shark Porn
You did the right thing. Its not your fault.
/u/TriangledCircle
Yeah, she couldve been suering. It takes real courage to end someones suering. I
applaud you for what you did as it was right.
When lost in pain or guilt and shame,

Afraid to make it through:
Remember this: youre not to blame,
No matter what you do.
Though always darkest fears and doubt

Will wander through your mind,
Youll push those empty feelings out,
And leave those thoughts behind.
No matter what the aim or end,

Youll bravely stand above -
And boldly make it right, my friend.
Youll choose the best for love.
259
#778 What is the hardest thing you have ever said no to?
2015-11-17 16:01:43
/u/ChunkyBlaze
EDIT: Manditory RIP inbox
/u/DontTrustmyResearch
A beer when I was quitting drinking. I had problems with moderation and self control.
Like, hunt a beer down right when I woke up problem with self control.
First day, my roommates have a party and I sure as hell live for drinking games like they
do. I had like half a 30 rack left and half a bottle of whiskey. Drank my o brand soda
and felt like the biggest dork while simultaneously saying no to every drink I saw. Rouh.
Fortunately, I handle myself quite fine now. EDIT: If youre trying to take the same kind
of steps, trust me, ODouls really isnt bad. You look weird with one, you feel weird with
one, but they help.
EDIT 2: So, first of all thanks a metric shit ton for the positive vibes! Thing is, as I
was replying to a small stream of comments, inbox was all of a sudden flooded. Ive been
trying to replay Heavy Rain and this pause menu is eating me alive. Ill come back for
you boatload of cuties, but seriously I need to find Jason.
EDIT 3: So not only did I get a crazy amount of support, but I got a Poem for my Sprog
AND guilded. Im going to have to pop a bottle of 1938 Sparkling Grape tonight.. you
guys are the best and Im glad I get to share this moment with you and not feel shame.
When I was young, and softly shy,

Or apt to brood and think -
I found a braver, bolder guy
Inside a glass of drink.
I drank -
And drank -
And drank, and found
Without a drink or three -
I wasnt fun to be around;
I wasnt really me.
And so I slipped from self-control,

And drank my doubts away -
Ill whisper yes and pay the toll,
When nos so hard to say.
260
#777 France
2015-11-14 06:44:02
/u/reddit
Today, a horrible tragedy unfolded in France. Reddit would like to thank the contributors
to the live thread that was featured on the front page, along with all of the other mods,
contributors, and community members across the site involved in posting updates in other
live threads and subreddits. They did their viewers and Reddit as a whole a huge
service by giving their time and energy to keep us up to date with all of the breaking
news happening at a seconds notice.
Our thoughts are with our neighbors in France.
Numbers to Paris embassies in case you are in need of assistance or are trying
to contact loved ones:
Australia: +33 1 40 59 33 00
Belgium: +33 1 47 54 07 64
Brazil: +33 1 45 61 63 00
Britain (if you are a British national in France) : +33 1 44 51 31 00
Britain (if you are in the UK and concerned about a British national in France): 020 7008
1500
Canada: +33 1 44 43 29 00
Canada (Canadians looking for info on loved ones): 613-996-8885 or 1-800-387-3124 toll
free in Canada/US
Denmark: +33 1 44 31 21 21
Ireland: +33 1 44 17 67 00
India: +33 1 40 50 70 70
Germany: +33 1 53 83 45 00
The Netherlands: +33 1 40 62 33 00
Norway: +33 1 53 67 04 00
Poland: +33 1 43 17 34 00
Russia +33 1 45 04 05 50
Spain (for nationals trying to contact the embassy): 0033 615 938 701
Sweden: +33 1 44 18 88 00
United States: +33 1 43 12 22 22
United States (for Americans in France that need assistance): 1-202-501-4444
United States (for Americans concerned about loved ones in France): 1-888-407-4747
New Zealand: +33 1 45 01 43 43
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Weave77
Vive la France!
261
Though terror feeds on pain and plight,

When hate and fear advance -
Be safe and strong against the night -
And stand, as one, with France.
#776 What is something that genuinely bothers you, but

you never complain about because youd seem like an ass-
hole?
2015-11-13 19:17:24
/u/Thats Enterchangment
/u/omega-moose
I can often become very sensitive to certain noises. So people chewing or even breathing
can irritate me. But you know I cant just tell people to stop breathing.
Oh darling, I pondered aloud, could I ask -

A light little favour? A trivial task?
Its nothing demanding, important in style -
Just something Id like, I explained with a smile.
Most certainly sweetest, he said with a grin:

Through sorrows, tomorrows, or thickness and thin -
Whatever our fate or our destiny brings,
Id never deny you the smallest of things!
So make your request, my intended, and know:

Ill never refuse if its mine to bestow!
I looked in his eyes as he waited above -
And tenderly whispered: Stop breathing, my love.
262
#775 Whats a question that you hate to answer?
2015-11-12 15:18:49
/u/ThugginOnTheInternet
/u/l33h
Hows the job search going? You know goddamn well how the job search is going, Helen.
So hows the search? . . . and thus began

The formless flow of thought.
The endless, timeless, ceaseless span
That held me captured, caught.
My wasted wits were worn upon

A slow subconscious rift -
And as her voice continued on,
My soul began to drift.
I weighed the place beyond the black;

The sounds inside a breath -
The path to inner-space and back;
The doubts of life and death.
Her oft-repeated mouthing made

A beat within my mind -
A song of silence, slowly played;
An endless vision, blind.
And then, at last, it passed and died;

I sighed and broke the spell -
I shook my head and so replied:
Oh Helen. . . Go to hell.
263
#774 What is an analogy that gets your point across per-
fectly, but is wildly inappropriate?
2015-11-12 08:09:14
/u/Boomshakalaka89
Any situation
EDIT: Thank you for the gold, you kind stranger!
/u/anotherpoweruser
Success is like being pregnant. People will congratulate you, but no one knows how many
times you were fucked before you got there.
Congratulations darling dear!

My father spoke, and so -
He sighed aloud and drew me near,
And softly said: . . . I know.
#773 What was the most awkward thing you witnessed

in a school classroom? (NSFW)
2015-11-10 21:37:35
/u/Hank Gribble
/u/ Another POV
This was in middle school. The bell went o for us to go to our next class and I noticed
a girl had bleed bled through onto her light colored blue jeans. Even with me being the
kind of boy that no girl would ever talk to if she wanted to keep what little status she
might have had with the other girls in the school I took the risk that might come with
having a conversation with a girl.
I quickly walked up right behind her. Like creeper close. . . Put my hands on her shoulders
to get her to slow down a little and I leaned in and whispered into her ear youve bleed
bled through your pants, I will follow you to the girls bathroom. Just act normal and
took my hands o her shoulders.
She never looked back. She didnt say a word. We walked nearly bumper to bumper to
the girls bathroom. I kept on walking past and o to my next class.
I never spoke to her again. I dont remember her face or her name anymore but I wonder
sometimes if I had crossed the line of creeper or kindness.
264
Edit: English is hard.
P.S. I have been reading every reply and upvoting nearly all of them. Thanks everyone
for the thumbs up on helping her out and making me feel less awkward about it.
/u/those are MY organs
As a female, let me just thank you on her behalf. You did literally the kindest thing
imaginable. You didnt make a big deal about it, you didnt call any unnecessary attention.
God bless you, you glorious bastard.
/u/Hyperminimalism
This. It mightve been embarrassing for one person to have noticed, but you saved her
from A LOT of other peopleher peers no lessfrom noticing. Best course of action.
Darkly dreaming haunted, hollowed

Thoughts of all that might have followed -
All the dread, and all the danger. . .
Bless you caring, kindly stranger.
#772 What was the most awkward thing you witnessed

in a school classroom? (NSFW)
2015-11-10 21:06:06
/u/Hank Gribble
/u/Garrus Vakarian
I took JROTC in high school instead of High School 101, so my instructor was responsible
for Sex Ed with us.
On the first day of Sex Ed, as a way to break the ice, he had us write down every slang
term for sex or sexual things. Then he read them all aloud to us. I will never forget
listening to a 50+ year old Marine talk about pounding the paternal piston
EDIT: Oh
EDIT 2: Electric Boogaloo: JROTC= Junior Reserve Ocer Training Corps. Basically
a military focused class.
High School 101: A class all freshmen have to take(unless you take JROTC). It covers
all of the basics of the school heres where everything is, heres how to use the library
and computer labs, and sex ed.
265
/u/B00617825
Ride the bologna pony.
/u/beforethewind
To woo a woman, seductively oer to park your meat pony in her velvet love tunnel.
My darling, he whispered and sighed with a smile,

Lets hide the salami and ride for a while!
Well bonk and well bo and well poke and well pork -
Well roll up the flagpole, and pop o the cork!
Well utter, he muttered, the language of love -

Or bop to the music from heavens above!
Well scamper and tamper and rummage and rut -
Well pound at your camper, and pamper your butt!
Lets treasure the pleasure of leisure and then,

Well churn at the butter again and again!
What say you, my dearest, my love, and my light?
She answered: No thank you. Im busy tonight.
#771 People who used to have low confidence but changed

that, how did you do it?
2015-11-10 18:35:34
/u/somepeoplewait
/u/Jebx
Fake it til you make it. Its totally true.

Not confident? Pretend you are, especially around people you dont know. They dont
know you - what do you have to lose?
Eventually it creeps into the rest of your life and next thing you know - BAM! Confidence.
EDIT:
Based on the comments, seems like this works for about 90%+ of people who try it. So
no, nothing works for everyone, but this one has a solid track record.
And to try to answer the very common question of HOW DO I DO THIS?
First make the decision of action vs. inaction. Its really easy to do nothing, so you have
266
to choose to do SOMETHING. Even something tiny, like how you stand or making eye
contact.
There are dierent ranges of confidence, from comfort in your surrounding all the way
up to being a cocky asshole. Clearly you want to target the comfortable range, not
arrogance. Being a know-it-all is not confidence.
So start by just acting comfortable. Like, yeah, this is my environment. Im glad to be
here.
Body language: shoulders down, arms uncrossed, head up. Relaxed posture.
Greet people like youre EXCITED to see them. Shake their hand and say their name.
Small talk is positive and upbeat. Attitude is contagious, so you set the mood.
Keep in mind that most other people wait for someone else to do this - the moment you
do, youre shifted into a leader-type role. That doesnt mean you have to do anything
leader-like, just that youre gaining subconscious respect from people around you.
Be engaged. Make eye contact and listen carefully. Sometimes thats all you have to do
is listen, but remain interested and involved.
You dont have to be outspoken, you dont have to be loud - you dont even need to start
any conversations. Just the simple act of pretending to be comfortable (even if youre
not) is how you move into BEING comfortable.
The nice thing about this is that it spirals upward - the more you do it, the more confident
you become. The more confident you are, the easier it gets. The easier it gets, the more
you do it. . . and pretty soon its not an act.
When I was young and ill at ease,

Or shy and feeling small,
I strived so hard to speak Id freeze,
And never spoke at all.
I worried, scared, and unprepared

To share myself, my way -
That no one ever really cared
For what I had to say.
But when I learned to fake it through -

To make the man theyd see -
It wasnt long before I knew
That that was really me.
267
#770 What became of the weird kid you went to school
with?
2015-11-09 19:06:44
/u/human of reddit
Did any of them go on to achieve anything amazing? Did any of them just level out and
live a normal life?
/u/vrsick06
Some say he still walks the halls super fast carrying all his books instead of using a back
pack or locker.
/u/whatsgoodbaby
Ha, every school had the Sprint-carry kid
/u/spiritriser
I was a sprinter. I had a duel bag though.. Damn.. That was probably sketchy as fuck.
Oh well, not going to stop me from sprinting between classes at my university.
Edit: Stole the word sprinter from OP. Im taller and have longer strides than most
people, and I walk with purpose. Probably still makes people wonder why Im constantly
in a hurry, but Im hardly running amok in the halls.
/u/SpaceClef
But. . . why?
Dont take this the wrong way, but are you a CS major?
/u/LordApricot
Lifes a race to the grave and Im not about to let that other asshole get a better seat.
268
Through the halls he hurries, fleeting,

Hasty, pasty-faced, repeating
Speedy steps to meet his seating
Safety-space of joy -
There, he thinks with silent wonder,

I can heave this haul asunder;
Halve this hefty heap of plunder,
Hangs his hopeful ploy -
So he moves, and pacing, passes

Through the rooms and by the classes,
Round the empty-handed masses. . .
Thats sprint-carry boy.
#769 What became of the weird kid you went to school

with?
2015-11-09 18:27:01
/u/human of reddit
Did any of them go on to achieve anything amazing? Did any of them just level out and
live a normal life?
/u/Menox1944
I had a classmate nicknamed Bucket, he got this name cause he was running around
with a bucket on his head a few times. Once, he was getting mugged on the street,
few guys surrounded him with a knife, demanding to hand over his phone. He started
laughing, took out his phone and smashed it on the ground, continued laughing like a
maniac. Muggers baed by what they saw, they just walked away.
Edit: I totally missed the point of this thread, I just read weird kid from school and
shared this story. He is actually doing pretty good, studying physics at our countrys best
science university, though he is still really weird.
/u/Lyra Belacqua
Thats actually a brilliant response. Id have loved to see that.
269
When Bucket met a crooked crim,

Who beat his bucket head -
He laughed aloud with wildest whim,
Till fuck it! Bucket said.
He grabbed his phone, and on his own,

He grinned alone with glee -
And with a mighty, monster moan,
He smashed it into three!
Good heavens! cried the crim beside:

Youre crazy, clear as day!
But Bucket freely preened with pride -
Until he walked away.
:D
#768 Psychiatrists of Reddit, has working with a de-

pressed client ever taken a negative toll on your life? If
so, how?
2015-11-08 19:10:46
/u/FuzzBall99
[removed]
/u/AmoebaNot
My mother was an RN and became very good at emotional detachment. I learned this
the time I cut my the palm of my hand pretty badly climbing a tree (I was 10), and had
to walk about 10 minutes home to get it fixed up. It wasnt really that bad although I do
still have a scar, but it was bleeding a lot. I knew from experience that my mom would
be pissed if I got blood on my clothes so I walked home holding my hand up, which only
resulted in covering my entire arm in blood.
When I walked into the house, I said, mom? and she gasped. Then suddenly her face
changed, and she became an entirely dierent personality. She was polite but firm, and
not at all interested in what happened. She took me to the bathroom, washed o all
the blood, cleaned and bandaged the wound and then washed up and put away all the
supplies. Then she turned back into my mom and cried.
Later, she became a school nurse, and that did eventually get to her; finally she had to
retire early because of the sad things she saw but could not change.
270
/u/FuzzBall99
Wow when I posted this I was thinking primarily about counselors becoming depressed
from listening to sadness all day, I never thought about their families and this kind of
game face that I suppose they have to have when dealing with people.
/u/ecdomain
Yes. You end up being the person that everyone in your family goes to to handle stressful
situations. They expect you to be stoic and handle it.
When shadows shake awake and break

The secret, silent wall -
I wear again the mask, and then. . .
They never see it fall.
#767 Whats the worst thing you could hear someone say,
Eh, good enough to?
2015-11-07 21:41:23
/u/5000kittens
/u/arch maniac
A mechanic finishing his work on an airliner.
271
The captains seat was made of peat -

The slats were tied with string;
Theyd patched the hatch with heaps of thatch,
And crazy-glued the wing.
The rudders slipped and slowly dipped -

The gas had drained and dried;
The landing gear was nowhere near,
But sadly lay beside.
The cabin cracked, bizarrely packed

With fuzzy lumps of flu.
He scratched his head and slowly said:
I guess its. . . good enough.
#766 What is the WORST advice you ever received?

2015-11-07 20:23:52
/u/poopyfartnugget
/u/hatmonkey3d
My girlfriend was a virgin and I was patiently waiting for her to be ready. When me and
her friend were talking about it drunkenly, her friend suggested I just rape her and shed
realise she liked it.
edit: I didnt. I waited a couple weeks and she said she was ready.
When in doubt or disbelieving,

Lost in thought and self-deceiving
Introspection, self-reflection -
Often do I seek direction.
But, in all advice and labours;

Guidance both from friends and neighbours -
Whatsoever qualm or question. . .
Rapes a really shit suggestion.
272
#765 fish trust
2015-11-07 19:44:47
/u/usrnone
[Link]
/u/Avogadro101
Oh my god! Hes letting me go! SWIM AWAY!!! Phew Im exhausted, I think Ill rest
here for a minu-OH MY GOD!!!
/u/Whynotyou69
This is where Dory went!
Fishy slimy slips and shivers,

Silver quivers, caught, and then -
Fishy races through the rivers. . .
Till she swims around again.
#764 What is your favorite example of Video game logic?

2015-11-06 18:07:12
/u/Logic Nom
/u/WoodToTheMetal
Skyrim.
[Bandit shot in the head by an arrow]
Bandit: Whos there!
Bandit: I see you!
Bandit: Where did he go?
Bandit: Huh, must have been my imagination.
[Goes back to patrolling]
273
Who is it? he clamoured. I see you! he cried.

Where are you? he peered through the darkness beside.
Perhaps Im mistaken. Its nothing, he said.
He scratched at the arrow inside of his head.
#763 Sailors and boaters of Reddit, whats the most amaz-

ing or unexplainable thing youve seen at sea?
2015-11-04 17:29:01
/u/Username not taken0
Ive read literally every reply in all the old threads, time for a fresh one :). Dont know
why its so fascinating.
/u/Putcariltoswayon
We were boating past a beach when we saw this Whale breach in incredibly shallow water
and I swear to god I heard it call out to her family it was a thunderous sound I was quiet
shocked to discover that it was in fact just a fat tourist calling to her son
There, beyond the crest of curling

Swirling swells of silver whirling,
Turned and twisted, tossed and twirling,
Lost beneath the flow -
There it waved the wave asunder,

Breaching up and over, under,
Through the spray and foam and thunder;
Through the deep below -
Such a wonder! Such creation!

Such a form of fascination!
Dude, I said, with hesitation -
Thats a tourist, bro.
274
#762 What was your biggest shit, my parents were right
moment?
2015-11-01 18:34:38
/u/OOKEfvvs
/u/DSAPEER
You cant fly with the eagles if you sleep with the pigeons.
Turns out the wrong friends really can hold you back and drag you down.
Edit: Thank you for the gold!
/u/SUSAN IS A BITCH
If youre the smartest person in the room, youre in the wrong room.
/u/(deleted user)
This is an excellent phrase. When I use it on my kids, I shall pretend I thought of it.
Thanks.
/u/theearthvolta
Thats the wrong room.
/u/T0mmyb6
Dont spend time with your children, those idiotic fucks. . .
275
When father sat me down one night,

He sadly, slowly, said:
Lets face it kid - youre none too bright,
And tapped my empty head.
Youre not the sharpest knife, he cried -

All foam, he spoke, no beer.
The lights are on, he said and sighed,
But no ones home in here.
Youre dumb as paint, and dense as wood,

And kid, for what its worth -
Youll have to think of something good
To make it on this Earth.
He rose and stepped around the bed,

And through the doorway quick.
I shook my head and slowly said:
My dads a fucking dick.
:(
#761 What was your biggest shit, my parents were right

moment?
2015-11-01 16:09:25
/u/OOKEfvvs
/u/Pit9
Actually, we are really cool parents. Turned out to be true. . . they were really awesome
parents to have.
/u/Coeecor25
Yeah, I didnt realize just how lucky I was to have the parents I did until I found out
about how some other peoples parents were. I grew up in a middle-class home with
both parents around and neither one of them was abusive, mean, or overly strict. I was
(and still am) very fortunate and it took growing up a bit to realize that. I think one
of the biggest wake-up calls to me was during my freshman year of college when I was
complaining to someone else about how annoying my father was for nagging me about
276
going out too late on week nights when I was 19. The other person replied, At least your
dad didnt throw you down a flight of stairs when you were four and leave you when you
were six.
Were awesome, they told me: were hip and were cool!
I sighed at them, silent, and slipped o to school.
In truth, that was youth, and it passed in a blur.
They said they were awesome - it turns out they were.
#760 What is the best thing you have ever heard a child
say?
2015-10-31 17:38:36
/u/nannyuk
Edit : i just woke up to over 5000 inbox messages lol Thank you all for sharing your lovely
stories I will try and read them all :) Edit 2: finally read them all I think that the moral
of the story is we should watch what we say in front of our kids.
/u/186282 4
On a road trip with my friend and her 6 year old nephew, and hes in the backseat talking.
My friend said, Jake, who are you talking to?
Myself.
Well what are you talking about?
After 5 long seconds of silence, Jake said, I dont know. I wasnt listening.
Edit: Wow! This took o, and on my new account, too. Thanks for the gold, stranger!
/u/Buttslaya
Thats deep man.
I talk
and talk
and talk all day -
And never hear a word I say.
277
#759 [NSFW] What were you better o not knowing/seeing?
2015-10-30 14:00:23
/u/ChewyGums
/u/xRaw-HD
This image. If youre easily spooked, do NOT open the link.
If you wish to slowly slumber

Free from haunted thoughts that lumber
Through your mind in lurid number,
Slowly creeping slick -
If, perhaps, you value plainness

For the sake of sombre saneness,
Spurn the sight of symbols heinous;
Turn, receding quick -
If you wish to live contented,

Lest your spirit fade, lamented,
Heed the warning here presented. . .
Leave before you click.
#758 If you had sex with the last thing you googled how
would it go?
2015-10-27 14:21:21
/u/Sidrisrock
/u/beauty and the beach
Texas population
Damn, Im gonna be busy. . .
278
Be still, my hasty beating heart,

She sighed and shook her head -
The time has almost come to start;
The moments here, she said.
I neednt pause a moment more -

The age to wait has passed.
A shadow knocked beyond the door -
Hes here, she said, at last.
She opened up the doorway, deft,

And slowly slipped her shift -
He said: Ive still got Houston left,
Lets make it fucking swift.
#757 Dear reddit people, what is a good/healthy hobby

to start for someone with depression?
2015-10-26 17:18:01
/u/hey its ralph
This is/was genuinely kind of you. I hope this helps others, as I know it has helped me.
Its nice to know that people care sometimes, and taking the time some of you have to
make suggestions means a lot to me.
/u/LilyPomegranate
Colouring in.
One of the hardest things to do when you are depressed is to get up /out and do some-
thing. That needs motivation that sometimes is hard to muster up.
Colouring in takes no preparation time, and you can scribble your heart out or do some-
thing very intricate and precise. It takes your mind o whatever youre going through
and you produce something nice at the end that is worth sharing with your loved ones.
EDIT: Some people suggested we need a subreddit for this so [I created r/coloringtherapy
here] (https://www.reddit.com/r/coloringtherapy/) and Ill try to put some eort into it
over the next few days.
/u/MorganLF
Came here to say this too. I have depression and have just begun colouring in in the last
few days. Its very meditative. Im enjoying completing each picture, and I found a great
colouring book with some beautiful and intricate designs.
279
/u/LilyPomegranate
Heres the first one I ever did :)
When lifes a silent stretch of night

In fading shades of grey -
I take a world of black and white,
And turn it into day.
#756 What genuinely terrifies you?

2015-10-22 17:08:47
/u/flinch85
/u/Sateen
Alzheimers or dementia. Im terrified of the way they slowly take away everything that
makes you you. Ive watched family members go through it and its heartbreaking.
/u/ZeppelinFTW
Holy shit, Ive never thought about it like that. You would probably have moments of
lucidity where you realize whats going on, but there is nothing you can do about it. That
is terrifying.
280
If I should last to see the night

When all my thoughts are old -
I hope the string that holds them tight
Is safe, secure, and bold.
I do not want those secret seams

To fray; to free; to breach -
I do not want my dearest dreams
To lie beyond my reach.
I do not want the twilight knife

To cut and blind and blur -
I do not want to grasp at life,
And all the things that were.
For I could ride the end astride,

And face the finish, free -
As long as Im the same inside.
As long as Im still me.
#755 What was the best way that someone has hit on
you?
2015-10-20 19:29:02
/u/CrimsonHenry
/u/kaliforniamike
Im super tall at 69 for reference. Most girls have no game when it comes to pickup
lines. I was at a concert a few months ago and this short girl came up with some serious
A+ shit.
She tugged at my shirt from behind and motions for me to bend over a bit for her. So
I do and she says, you know its been a while since I climbed a tree. My first thought
was what the shit is she talking about when suddenly as Im still leaned over she jumps
on my back and shimmies her way up till shes sitting on my shoulders. Then says shes
not getting down but if I want to walk her over to the bar shell buy us both a drink.
Well fucking played short girl.
281
I think, she exclaimed with a wink of an eye,

Its endlessly better incredibly high!
Its finer the further you flee from the floor -
Ill saddle you up and Ill ride you to war!
Youre all that Ive wanted, and all that I need -

For soaring, exploring, a chivalrous steed!
For carefully climbing; to slip and to stand -
For watching a concert and seeing the band!
Or maybe, she giggled, Ill reach any shelf -

If youll be my giant, then Ill be your elf!
Well quest and well jaunt and well journey afar!
But first, she suggested. . . a drink at the bar?
:D
#754 What was the best way that someone has hit on
you?
2015-10-20 18:08:18
/u/CrimsonHenry
/u/PirateKilt
At a party, took my hand and led me into a back bedroom, closed/locked the door and
started stripping o her clothes.
Non-subtle clues always work the best.
/u/Strykrol
Love family reunions
/u/JD397
I bet he got a real taste of grandmas cookies that day.
282
When Little Timmy went to tea

At Grannys birthday brunch,
He spied with growing greedy glee
The mounds of food to munch.
He piled his plate with meats and treats,

And jellies, juice, and jams
With salty snacks and sugared sweets,
And giant heaps of hams!
Bon Appetit! his granny said,

And grinned her grannys grin:
I baked a hundred loaves of bread,
I hate to see you thin!
So Timmy scoed a plate or three,

And granny slowly sighed:
Now come and get a taste of me.
#753 What are the best text-based subreddits to kill time

reading?
2015-10-19 17:14:00
/u/TopCheesePleaseroni
/u/Reason to Smiles
Anyone who has exams coming up, leave. . . now.

Trust me, no you will not just look at this for 5 minutes.
283
If, perhaps, youve entered, eager,

Wayward learning minor-leaguer,
Contemplate your musings meagre,
While you read below:
Small delays in simple stages

Stretch to useless, fruitless ages!
Ages better spent on pages,
Honing what you know -
Be the stu of admiration!

Make a noble demonstration!
Quit your damned procrastination -
Close the thread and go!
#752 Reddit, whats the worst thing youve accidentally

texted to the wrong person?[NSFW]
2015-10-18 18:36:13
/u/ItsMeNotYouJustUs
Edit: RIP https://gyazo.com/5ab4186d439e62d4b16ee7503d28edda
/u/Oddlad
Texted my straight male friend, You make me so unbelievably hard. Intended for my
girlfriend. He just went with it assuming I was joking with him.
Edit. I accidentally a word. Also, thanks for the gold! Ill have to figure out what it does.
/u/urmomsuckedmyass
Theres nothing more gay than two straight men.
284
Twas late one autumn eventide,

When gleaming, beaming bright -
A light emerged from close beside,
And shooed away the night.
I read with blurred and bleary eyes

The glossy text displayed -
Then lurched awake with shocked surprise
To see the words it made.
My breath was quick. My tongue was dry.

My heart was beating fast.
I paused and penned my swift reply:
Thank god, I wrote - at last!
#751 Reddit, whats the worst thing youve accidentally

texted to the wrong person?[NSFW]
2015-10-18 18:04:46
/u/ItsMeNotYouJustUs
Edit: RIP https://gyazo.com/5ab4186d439e62d4b16ee7503d28edda
/u/Raaju201
I went on a date with this girl. Went very boringly. However, I could tell she thought it
was going great. We said goodbye and I was on my way.
A few hours later, a friend texted and asked me how the date went.
I texted with an entire paragraph of why the date sucked and why I didnt like her.
I got a ?? As a response. To my horror, I texted the very girl I had just gone on the
date with.
It was extremely embarrassing but the girl said she appreciated the honesty.
285
He sat at the table with spellbinding eyes -

His laugh was a breeze through the sweet summer skies;
His voice was a sigh from the starlight above -
I knew we were perfect.
I knew it was love.
And when it was over and dinner was through,

We parted, intended forever, I knew.
His message arrived as I readied for bed.
I looked at it, breathless.
No worries, I said.
:(
#750 What would be a funny thing to say to a surgeon

before anesthesia kicks in 5 seconds later?
2015-10-15 23:48:07
/u/iamsorryforthat
Edit: Woke up today and this blew up. My surgery will be in about 5 hours, thank you
for the ideas.
/u/AssholeBot9000
The last time I tried to say something funny right before surgery, they were about to put
me out and I said, go easy on me doc, its my first time.
I gave a little chuckle and so did the doctor. . . he then picked up a scalpel and said,
dont worry, its my first time too.
And then I promptly blacked out. . .
/u/SFWboring
I would give the doctor reddit gold for that one.
/u/IamEclipse
Let the search commence!
286
/u/Valkyrie21
Umm Im the doctor. . . yeah sure.

Edit: Thanks for the gold everyone! Imagine my surprise when I got o of work and
checked my reddit. I saw 80 unread messages and thought, oh boy what did I do now?
/u/IamEclipse
That was easy
/u/Reiginko
We did it reddit!
Though plenty in life is remarkably rough -

Complexly perplexing and vexingly tough -
Ive always discovered, when caught in a pinch,
That finding an expert on reddits a cinch.
#749 What do you think people take way too seriously?

2015-10-15 17:51:09
/u/tikhung01
Edit: Over 4000 upvotes? Holy shit!
/u/garmachi
Protecting their children from minor harm.

Im talking about bumps and bruises, sprains and cuts. I cringe when I see a toddler
stumble and the parents run at it screaming. No wonder your kid is afraid of everything,
a simple fall and mommy and daddy are sprinting and shrieking. This must be bad!
Let your ten year old leave the house without a GPS transponder, folks. Hell come back,
promise.
287
When Little Timmy stopped and found

A place to play ahead -
His mothers warnings whirled around
And round his tiny head.
Be careful, Tim! he heard it speak,

And fret distressed, dismayed -
And soon the boy was feeling weak,
And found himself afraid.
He shook his head, for all was well,

And climbed the nearest pine.
But Little Timmy slipped and fell.
And Timmys fucking fine.
#748 What do you think people take way too seriously?

2015-10-15 17:21:11
/u/tikhung01
Edit: Over 4000 upvotes? Holy shit!
/u/vodkagrey
Oense. These days people get oended over anything and everything.
288
This modern world, said Paul to Paige;

This strange, unsullied Earth -
Theres far too much indignant rage,
And sense of moral worth.
A man can hardly speak his mind,

He griped and groaned, alarmed,
Without some phoney fault assigned,
Or social faction harmed.
I bought a drink the other night,

And then, he sadly spoke,
The barman said Id mocked the plight
Of countless thirsty folk!
So whats a guy to do? he cried,

Then sighed and shook his head.
She slapped his face and thus replied:
That triggers me, she said.
#747 Which song is most improved when all occurrences

of I, me, my, etc. are replaced with Greg?
2015-10-14 22:54:49
/u/CloverfieldOfDreams
/u/black flag 4ever
But Gregs a creep,

Gregs a weirdo.
What the hell is Greg doing here?
Greg Dont Belong here.
/u/esteban42
Greg dont care if it hurts

Greg want to have control
Greg want a perfect body
Greg want a perfect soul
289
/u/thattallfellow
Greg want you to notice

When Greg not around
Greg wish Greg was special
Youre so fuckin special
(DUNDUN)
(DUNDUN)
/u/earthandsunn
Greg wish Greg was special
This made me laugh so hard, thank you
But Greg, he slowly sighed and said,

One lonely evening tucked in bed,
When Greg was sad and feeling blue:
But Greg wish Greg was special too.
:(
#746 Whats something that you never liked untill the

moment you tried it and it ended up to be awesome?
2015-10-13 16:14:43
/u/Prepeter
/u/anotherpoweruser
reddit. I thought the layout looked shitty and all the content here was shitty.
290
Whilst lazily surfing the net of a night,

A friendly acquaintance suggested a site:
Try reddit, she oered - its all that you need!
And so I frequented, and soon disagreed:
The layouts appalling, I said, and it seems

The contents a mixture of cat-pics and memes!
Theres puns by the dozen, and porn by the ton,
And nothing in funny seems terribly fun !
Its lame, I lamented, and isnt for me.

She nodded and whispered: Just wait and youll see.
I clicked on a thread, and I thought it the last -
Till six hundred rhymes and my sanity passed.
#745 Reddit, what makes you instantly like someone upon

meeting them?
2015-10-11 17:32:00
/u/crumbbelly
/u/BillMueller
A sense of humor. Bonus points for self-deprecating humor.
/u/SSfantastic
Bonus bonus points for saying something funny but slightly inappropriate. Lets you
know you can lighten up.
/u/black fire
Do you ever tuck your dick between your legs and look in the mirror and realize it looks
just like a vagina? Its kinda hot, you know? Hahahha
/u/HurtfulThings
HR would like to have a word with you. . .
291
Good morning, Pete - just take a seat.

Thats right. You settle in.
Well try to keep it short and sweet,
And so - lets all begin.
Of course, Im sure you understood

The need for. . . Oh. I see.
Perhaps Louise would be so good
To play it back for me?
Yes, thats the one. Now Pete, you know

We love a sense of fun -
Some oce banter, to and fro;
A timely playful pun -
But somethings got to change, we think -

A little humours fine -
But here at Any Oce Inc,
We draw a tasteful line.
Im sorry, son. Ill say it quick:

We have to let you go. . .
You wrapped your legs around your dick,
And shouted SEXY BRO.
#744 What makes a person creepy ?

2015-10-08 22:39:47
/u/RiggerJigger
/u/PouponMacaque
I think its an inability to perceive and adapt to cues from another persons speech or
body language which results in behavior that seems or is invasive or threatening. I think
the key factor is the behavior being abnormal given the reaction of the other person - its
all about context.
/u/poliscinerd
I would say its this, coupled with the inability to take no for an answer.
292
He stated his feelings.

I kindly declined.
What is it? he argued -
Im nice, he opined.
Im friendly. Im funny.
Im caring. I share.
Im loyal and thoughtful,
And this isnt fair.
I nodded politely,
And looked for an out.
So why dont you like me?
He said with a pout.
You owe me an answer -
A text or a call -
You ought to be grateful
I asked you at all.
You wont get another -

Dont throw this away.
He smiled at me, selfless:
So what do you say?
I pondered a moment
And thought with a sigh -
Then changed up my answer
To fuck o and die.
#743 What really big companies are going to be out of

business in 10 years?
2015-10-07 18:18:56
/u/laundry123
/u/Miss ClassySass
Sears.
/u/Superschutte
My wife loves sears. I told her they were not doing well and she did not believe me. 5
minutes later, I see her on her phone crying. It turns out she googled, Sears going out
of business.
293
/u/YipRocHeresy
5 minutes later, I see her on her phone crying
She must really like Sears.
I still recall the day she broke;

The awful, empty stare -
The senseless, soundless words she spoke;
The sight of dark despair.
She read the news with hollow eyes

The shade of loss and grief -
She whispered words in quiet cries
Of mourning disbelief.
The light inside began to fade,

But on she read, and on.
What is it, dear? I asked, afraid.
Its Sears, she said.
Its gone.
#742 Who is the best duo of all time?

2015-10-06 22:03:39
/u/FuckMeRunning5648
/u/Army0fMe
J.D. and Turk
/u/esteban42
Its Guy Love, between two guys!
294
Love, I always thought was fleeting,

Fading, flawed, and fast-retreating,
Seldom set in stone or meeting
All I once believed
Love, I often stopped to wonder,

Leaves on weaving waves of thunder,
Tearing dreams of joy asunder,
Bitter, blue, bereaved
Love was stories; love was fiction;

Love was notes of contradiction,
Fit for myths and false depiction,
Never once achieved
Love was draining, frenzied, frantic,

Spurious and sycophantic. . .
Till I saw the most bromantic
Ageless love conceived.
:D
#741 What is the most unbelievable coincidence you ever

experienced?
2015-10-03 19:03:09
/u/AJmcfly
Edit: Wow this blew up, so many incredible stories on here thank you all for sharing!
/u/Azand
I got into an argument with somebody on reddit. He ended up saying that I knew nothing
about the topic at hand and that he was doing a PhD in that very topic which showed
X results. Unfortunately for him the PhD he tried to claim as his own was in fact mine.
Turns out he a student in my department and was in a lecture I gave a few weeks before.
So of all the millions of redditors I get into an argument with someone pretending to be
me.
295
You moron! I countered, that arguments mine!

Your trainings fictitious! Your failings divine!
I laughed at the screen, for his cover was blown.
But it was a mirror, and I was alone.
#740 Reddit, what was your WOW, Im getting old

moment?
2015-10-02 16:50:38
/u/8bhizzel8
Edit: HOLY CRAP REDDIT! R.I.P my inbox.
/u/RogueViator
I woke up, yawned, and promptly threw out my back.
When Little Timmy woke one day

And saw, before his eyes,
A tiny hair the shade of grey,
He stared in grim surprise.
Good heavens, no! he cried with dread -

Its false! the lad opined.
Ive far too many years ahead,
And far too few behind!
It isnt mine, he whispered slow;

Im young, he said with pride.
A yawn arose from deep below.
296
#739 Chris Mints, the hero that charged the UCC shooter
to help save others is doing fine after having surgery to
remove 7 bullets. What a guy.
2015-10-02 16:17:01
/u/goofygoober 75
[Link]
/u/goofygoober 75
Chris Mintz* is his name. Not Mints. Damn auto correct.
Upon a soft and spongy bed,

In bandage-wrap and splints,
He shook his head and slowly said:
But who the hell is Mints?
#738 What should everyone go do RIGHT NOW if they

havent yet?
2015-09-30 18:45:51
/u/DemonicSnail
/u/TinyPotatoAttack
Get o of Reddit and do that thing youre procrastinating on.
297
While listlessly lazily surfing the site,

I clicked on a thread to a wave of delight!
What time-wasting wonder, I pondered with glee,
Will dally my duties as long as can be?
Alas, to my sorrow, I gloomily read:

Just get o of reddit, and function instead!
The words were an omen of guilt and of shame -
I had no excuses; my reasons were lame.
All right then, Ill do it! I forcibly swore.

Ill do all the things that I need to and more!
Im quitting the site, and Im closing the thread!
Ill do it! Ill do it. . . tomorrow, I said.
#737 [NSFW] Whats the worst thing thats happened at

your family gathering?
2015-09-27 19:19:45
/u/CompellingSex
Explanations also
Edit: Cheers lads, nice to make an AskReddit post that gets more than 12 upvotes.
Edit 2: Loved reading your responses but having an RIP INBOX has been annoying
af. 5/10 would do again
/u/PooOnYoureFoot
Was celebrating an uncles birthday and we realized about 15 minutes into it that grandma
died.
Everyone lost their mind, because she was 75 and seamed fine 10 minutes before.
Died of a massive brain aneurysm.
Whole family was devastated.
I still took some cake
/u/caseycoold
I still took some cake
Probably what your grandmother would have wanted.
298
When grandmas time was spent and passed,

And all her days were done -
She sighed and slowly breathed her last,
And so, her race was run.
I still recall the sense inside;

The troubled, tender ache -
When something deep within me died.
But still, I had some cake.
#736 [NSFW] Whats the worst thing thats happened at

your family gathering?
2015-09-27 18:59:51
/u/CompellingSex
Explanations also
Edit: Cheers lads, nice to make an AskReddit post that gets more than 12 upvotes.
Edit 2: Loved reading your responses but having an RIP INBOX has been annoying
af. 5/10 would do again
/u/AndreTheShadow
My alcoholic uncle got so drunk at his own daughters wedding that he pissed on the
wedding cake in front of half the wedding party.
He quit drinking after that.
/u/DPayne22
Did the people who didnt see it take a slice anyway?
/u/Sotari
its what grandma would have wanted.
299
Its salty, mom, and sort of sweet -

Id hoped for something nice!
Its what she would have wanted, Pete.
Shut up and eat your slice.
#735 What is a sure sign of maturity?

2015-09-26 18:49:13
/u/digodk
/u/anirishman15
Being able to accept that you were wrong.
/u/savemejebus0
Not looking good for Reddit.
/u/Mal97
Could you expect any better from a bunch of egotistical 18 year olds?
Edit: why is everyone taking this comment so seriously is it that hard to read sarcasm /s
/u/Kraymur
I just turned 20 thank you very much.

Edit: Sprog wrote me a poem, I can die blissfully now.
300
Maturity, father had slowly begun,

Is knowing youre wrong and accepting it, son.
Theres prudence in pausing with patience and joy -
And hearing the wisdom in others, my boy.
A persons perspective, he said with a smile,

Is plain if you walk in their shoes for a while.
And if you can do it - if maybe you do -
You might understand, and agree that its true.
I followed his reasons, and nodded, polite;

Perhaps that was logic - perhaps he was right.
Perhaps there was truth in his claim all along. . .
Im twenty, I countered: Im right, and youre wrong.
#734 Whats the weirdest way you injured yourself ?

2015-09-24 00:53:43
/u/FatBearCat
/u/Gimace
I put a sharpened pencil in my front jeans pocket, pointy end down, and forgot about it.
When I sat down it stabbed me in the head of my dick. 25 years later I still have that
graphite mark on the head of my dick.
301
Twas long ago, I still recall,

Ill-fated, out of luck -
When sad misfortune came to fall,
And misadventure struck.
Amidst the foolish haste of youth,

I moved with artless grace -
Incognizant of risk, in truth,
And dangers soon to face.
For what, I ask, more woeful way

Could any person pick?
Reminded each and every day. . .
Alas, I stabbed my dick.
#733 You are transported back exactly 100 years in the

past, what is the first thing you do?
2015-09-21 18:43:54
/u/CatFalconThe3rd
It seems I got a few answers. . .
/u/Kinda a douche
Get lynched. I cant safely go back in time past 1964.
/u/qualityproduct
Thats the spirit.
302
When Little Timmy travelled time,

To see the world ahead,
He thought it splendid, sweet, sublime,
And super-cool! he said.
He went to Thirty-Fifty-Four,
And sailed amidst the stars -
A bus to see the moon and more,
A taxi-cab to Mars!
And now its time I travelled back -

A hundred years! he cried.
But Little Timmys skin was black.
#732 If Dr. Suess wrote the bible, what would be your

favorite passage of scripture?
2015-09-16 23:55:14
/u/(deleted user)
Oh wow, front page!
303
Good golly, how jolly! How funny, said God -

How strangishly strange and how oddishly odd!
Youre fighting and biting and smiting again -
Its time I demanded commandments of ten!
Though gods are a blast and a riot of joy -

A party of pleasure to treasure, my boy -
Im certainly certain, Im sure youll agree,
Theres no one whos wholly more holy than me!
Devotions the notion of honour and truth -

Dont bridle it worshipping idols in youth!
IfJesus! orHeavens! youre heard to have cursed -
Thats blasphemy, brother, and christ, its the worst!
A Sundays a fun-day for glory begun -

For hymns to the brim, and for songs by the ton!
Remember to cherish your mommy and dad;
They messed you up good, but they arent all that bad!
Adultery, stealing - theyre pleasant, of course -

But totally banned with celestial force!
They share a perception; its perfectly clear -
Dont take what you havent acquired sincere!
Be honest, contented, and pleased with your load -

Dont weep full of woe for the wealth that youre owed;
Be happy and clappy and merry in mind -
Be spriteful, delightful, and kindly-inclined!
But mightily, vitally valued of all -

No matter the reason, enormous or small -
Dont murder another. Go forth, and go far.
And dont eat crustaceans. Those things are bizarre.
#731 Americans, what should a Brit NOT do when in the

states?
2015-09-16 18:02:36
/u/mind dump
EDIT: Thank you for all the advice, I will be steadily reading through them all over the
next few days!
304
/u/ Priceless
Dont be afraid to talk to strangers. If they seem cool and you want to know them,
walk up and say hi. Your accent is going to be a hit with everyone and Americans are
usually very friendly. Try not to be annoyed when youre told about their 1/16th English
heritage.
/u/mind dump
Were British, were fucking terrified of interacting with strangers.
/u/ Priceless
You can do it! I believe in you!
/u/mind dump
Thanks man! Still not gunna do it!
/u/ Priceless
That probably wont stop us from approaching you. . . haha
They stood beside the local bar,

And shared a kindly smile -
I waited, watching, from afar,
In fearful thought a while.
Americans are friendly folk,

Im sure Id somewhere read -
Your accents great! Ive heard it spoke:
Youll be a hit! they said.
But what if all the facts had changed -

A sham, a scam for me?
Perhaps theyd think me strange, deranged,
And mad-obsessed with tea?
Youre British, man, I whispered, grave,

For goodness sake, I swore -
I took a step towards them, brave. . .
And scampered out the door.
305
#730 Reddit, what is a 2 line horror story that is actually
scary as fuck?
2015-09-14 18:15:25
/u/theone1221
My daughter bestirs and beseeches in vain

To beg for relief in the night from her pain.
My darling, my dearest, my boldest and brave -
I ask her to stop when I visit her grave.
#729 People of reddit who work in the medical field.

What is something you have had to explain to your patients
that was super ridiculous and should be common knowl-
edge?
2015-09-12 18:50:01
/u/elane5813
/u/mo0op
When you were told not to eat 12 hours prior to surgery, it wasnt just a polite suggestion.
/u/Justmetalking
Worked in an ER, saw this more than once. Last case, parents brought their child in for
surgery, let her eat a full breakfast because she was hungry. She vomited, aspirated bacon
and eggs and ended up in the ICU on a ventilator so they could irrigate all the food out
of her lungs.
/u/psychonerd4
How did the parents react? Were they shocked or was it more like yeah, we done fucked
up. . . .
306
/u/sapunec7854
Them stupid doctors almost done killed muh baby I demand to speak to their manager!
When little Timmy went to pee,

And in the clinic woke:
Youll need an appendectomy!
His doctor sagely spoke.
Now Timmy, said the surgeon, grave,

Ive urgent words, and more -
Be fearless, firm, or bold and brave,
But never eat before!
The scalpels, salves, and saws were set.

He faced the pain with pride.
But Timmy ate a ham baguette.
#728 Whats a strange or bad habit you still do from your

childhood?
2015-09-12 16:59:37
/u/Gamefuel101
Edit: Just woke up to this being #2 on Askreddit. Thats insane!

Edit 2: Finally getting around to reading a lot of these. You guys are fucking weird and
interesting. I like it!
/u/Tsarphael
Blankets must cover my whole body while sleeping. I make a little hole for breathing.
You could say summer is. . . diquilt.
307
When little Timmy went to bed,

He pulled his linen tight:
To keep me warm and safe, he said,
And sweetly snug at night!
He tucked his arms inside his sheet,

And left a tiny space -
A tiny gap to vent the heat,
Around his tiny face!
And so he lay without a care.

He slept and slowly sighed.
But Timmys sheets cut o the air.
#727 You get invited to join the pantheon of gods, but

in an entry-level position. What ordinary, mundane, every-
day thing do you choose to be the god of ?
2015-09-08 17:48:07
/u/El Dief
/u/SultanofShit
God of retrieving single socks from the Sock Dimension and putting them back in your
washing.
I am become Je, returner of argyles
/u/jhwhite
Could you have a word with your brothers in the biro and guitar pick dimensions and tell
them to get a move on.
308
In spirals of silence; in absence of light;

In cover of darkness and canvas of night;
In smoke and seclusion; in shelter and shade -
It slips through the umbra, and under, afraid.
Where particles gather; where shadow-shapes shift;

Where thoughts are forgotten, abandoned, adrift;
Where fractions the risk, and surrender, the cost -
It fights for the fallen, and looks for the lost.
And when it has fought under faraway skies,

To capture its conquest and plunder the prize;
It crosses dimensions, to send and to share -
For unity, love. . . and for socks in a pair.
#726 Whats something everybody thinks is a myth or

rumor but is actually completely true?
2015-09-06 18:41:00
/u/Spoon Elemental
/u/Badloss
Elephants being afraid of mice is the one time I was completely wrong about a myth on
Mythbusters. They went all the way to Africa to test the myth on wild elephants and I
was positive that this was the biggest waste of time. . . and then the Elephant completely
lost its shit when they released the mouse! Amazing.
309
Though elephants are rather tall,

My son expressed one day:
Theyre scared of mice, and mice are small,
I heard him sadly say.
They are, I spoke - but theres the fun,

And heres the truth instead -
Their size and stature is, my son. . .
Irrelephant! I said.
#725 Reddit, whats your high schools tragedy? [NSFW]

2015-09-05 18:17:44
/u/sninapeters
/u/presidentcheesecake
A kid in year 7 (11 years old) killed himself after being bullied. A few of my friends in
6th form got on the same bus as him and were trying to help, they used to see him run
home after he got o as he was so scared. Poor kid.
/u/robcoo
The same happened here too, a year 7 child killed himself, it was incredibly sad hearing
that in the assembly as there were rumours before we were told but no one really believed
it.
310
Not far from here.

Not long ago.
There lived a kid. A kid called Joe.
Joe knew the way.
Joe knew the truth.
Joe lived a very lonely youth.
He went to school.
He went alone.
He spent his days all on his own.
Joe had no pal.
Joe had no friend.
Joes days were long at either end.
Not far from here.

Not long ago.
There lived a kid. A kid called Joe.
Joe went upstairs.
Joe shut his door.
Joe closed his eyes.
Joe dreamt of more.
#724 Reddit, whats your high schools tragedy? [NSFW]

2015-09-05 17:49:07
/u/sninapeters
/u/AleredEgo
A kid that had a shitty home life used to get picked on everyday at school. He finally
made one true friend when he got to high school. Things really started looking up for
him when they went on their first double date.
During what might have been the first truly happy night of his life, the driver lost control
of the car and this kid wasnt wearing a seatbelt.
He got a bunch of write ups misremembering him as a popular athlete.
/u/TerraOrdinem
At least he died happy and not suicide.
311
/u/AleredEgo
Quite the silver lining, indeed. For the last year of his life, everyday must have seemed a
bit better than the last.
/u/Mrthereverend
May we all be so lucky.
/u/77795
Hell never get to go on that date, any date for that matter. He died in a good moment,
but he misses out on all the good moments to come. He was too young. Every day above
ground is a good day so make the fucking most of it
I will not wish the time away,

But when its time to go -
I hope I wake upon that day,
And never get to know.
I hope the sky is brightest blue;

I hope Ive hopes to meet -
And every word I hear is true,
And every sound is sweet.
I hope I leave a thousand lives

Improved, and saved from strife -
And so I hope the end arrives
Amidst the joy of life.
#723 What is the most terrifying photo on the Internet

that will scare me shitless?
2015-09-03 23:05:33
/u/T1nY r3d
/u/-eDgAR-
Definitely this one
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If youre sitting silent, waiting,

Still, without a sound, debating,
Cursor held, but hesitating,
Poised upon the brink -
If you value peaceful slumber;

Happy days in healthy number;
Hopes and dreams that all encumber
Doubtful thoughts to think -
If you fear the darkness creeping

In your soul and slowly seeping
Through your mind with woeful weeping. . .
Do not click this link.
#722 Whos a celebrity that you find unattractive that

everyone else thinks is gorgeous?
2015-09-03 19:27:10
/u/DrScientist812
/u/solzhe
Kim Kardashian
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The beauty of beauty, I like to believe,

Is all in perspective, and what you perceive.
For worse or for better; for good or for ill -
The hearts without reason, and does what it will!
No matter the who or whomever, it seems -

A persons Medusas another mans dreams!
A vision of Venus, or beastly and bland -
Attractions an action completely unplanned!
So savour your favour and relish your say,

And pick for your pleasure by night and by day!
Theres someone for all, for the worlds full of whim!
Theres someone for me. . .
. . . and theres Kanye for Kim.
#721 What is never going to stop being funny?

2015-09-01 23:39:37
/u/BabiesGotTheBends
/u/oldgeezerhippie1
Farts
A fart in a bath, or a poot on command -

An anal salute for a toot that youve planned!
A bark or a blurt or a bo and a gu -
A pu of the pooper; a corn-slinging chu!
To kill the canary; to cook up a stink -

To bring global-warming right up to the brink!
To let out a windy; to roar from the rear -
To shoot your patootie and step on a gear!
Whatever your preference, Im telling you, please -

Theres nothing as funny as cutting the cheese!
So blow out a gasket and rip for the arts -
And raise up your ass to the beauty of farts!
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#720 Whats something thats bad for you and you know
it but you still keep on doing it?
2015-09-01 18:58:25
/u/Senolovac
/u/-MissionImprobable-
Staying up late while having to get up early the next morning.

I tell myself Ill really go to bed earlier the next time. Every. Fucking. Time.
I tell myself Ill go to bed. . .

Then start another show.
Or pick a second post or thread,
To read before I go -
I sit and slowly watch and wait,

Computer screen agleam -
Until Ive lingered far too late
To catch a decent dream.
And when the sun ascends the sky

To drive the night away,
I wake with woe - and curse the I
That fucked the me today.
#719 Dudes that carry a backpack everywhere you go,

what do you keep in it?
2015-08-31 23:13:40
/u/Clever Losername
/u/rottinguy
2 Glock 9mm pistols, $2K in cash, 100 foot of rope, passport, carving knives, 11 sq foot
roll of sheet plastic, roll of duct tape, and a package of twizzlers.
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No, Im innocent, see, and Im sure youll agree

When Ive finished explaining it right -
For my glocks are a mock and Ive rope for the dock
Where I tether my dinghy at night!
All my stashes of cash are in case of a crash

When the market declines in a dip -
And my tape is to share for a hasty repair
In the matter of cracks, or a chip!
Ive a passport in truth as I look like a youth,

And its proof of my age to perceive -
And a knife (and a fork ) just to carve up the pork
That Im having for dinner this eve!
So you see, I exclaimed, unabashed, unashamed,

That it isnt for faults or for theft!
Then continue ahead, all the ocers said -
And impounded the twizzlers and left.
#718 Reddit, what is your favorite quote from a fictional

character?
2015-08-27 18:18:38
/u/papaskittles
Could be from a game, a TV show, movie, etc.

Edit: my inbox is dead and I made it to front page of ask reddit.
/u/(deleted user)
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

-Winnie the Pooh
/u/ivebeenherelonger
Promise me youll never forget me because if I thought you would Id never leave
-Winnie thetrustissues Pooh
Edit: Would just like to add in a bonus quote:
Piglet: How do you spell love ?
Pooh: You dont spell it. . . you feel it.
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Amidst the summers shade of youth,

When fathers sun had set -
I swore with blind and certain truth,
I never would forget.
I savoured every seconds strain

In case he fell behind -
Embracing every ache and pain
To keep him in my mind.
But every stage and sense and sight

Supplants anothers space -
And though I try each day and night. . .
I cant recall his face.
#717 What is easier to get into than it is to get out of ?

2015-08-25 18:40:56
/u/Upvote Banana
/u/nurbenzin
Debt
/u/(deleted user)
If you get in the debt, better get all the way in.
If you owe the bank $100 thats your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, thats
the banks problem.
-J. Paul Getty
/u/ismellurpoo
If you owe $100 billion, thats the tax payers problem.
/u/(deleted user)
And if you owe $16 Trillion, you are the leader of the free world.
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I used to owe a hundred bucks,

And couldnt pay the due -
The bank advisor told me: shucks,
That really sucks - for you.
With every hidden change and charge,

I begged to borrow more -
Until my debt was twice as large,
As what it was before.
And so I fret, until I found

A place to learn their ways.
And now it sucks the world around -
But me?
I got a raise.
#716 Whats the craziest black out drunk experience

youve ever been told youve done?
2015-08-25 16:44:18
/u/ceccai
/u/cunt-hooks
A mate of mine caught a huge seagull and held on to it as it pecked the fuck out of his
hands, then threw it screeching through the door of the pub hed just been kicked out of,
and we bolted.
We woke up the next morning and he says, What the fuck happened to my hands?
Ive no idea what happened in the pub, but I suspect it was quite amusing.
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Out! declared the barman, heated,

While the drunkards swift-retreated -
Till, at last, they left, defeated,
Through the open door.
Ha! he cried, to see them ported

Through the bar and swiftly thwarted;
So the room was swept and sorted,
Like it was before.
Seconds later, something squalling -

Screaming, screeching, crying, calling -
Shot towards the man and, mauling,
Pecked him to the floor.
#715 If Dr. Seuss was a real doctor, what would his

diagnoses sound like?
2015-08-23 17:04:55
/u/yunker81
The doctor was saying: Good golly, my dear,

How splendidly strange and how perfectly queer!
Weve quested and tested and taken your blood -
But more than we ought to, and more than we should!
The answers surprising, he said with a smile,

And worried the best and the brightest a while!
The surgeons and doctors and dentists were dazed -
They pondered, befuddled, and wondered, amazed!
You see, he explained with a wink of an eye,

To start with your hearts in the shape of a pie!
Your stomachs a sausage, and not to be rude -
Your kidneys are cookies!
. . . Youre so fucking screwed.
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#714 You are suddenly shifted 2 feet to the left, whats
dierent?
2015-08-22 18:08:30
/u/ShepMyself
/u/happyotterdance
Welp, I am part of the wall now.
When little Timmy learned to shift,

He thought it rather fun -
To step beyond a portal-rift,
And end where hed begun.
Hed shift to school, and shift to town,

And shift to bed at night -
He shifted up, and shifted down,
And shifted left and right!
But when the coppers came to call,

He thought he ought to hide -
So Timmy shifted through the wall. . .
#713 If you could send an anonymous text to yourself 5

years ago, what would you write?
2015-08-19 18:32:55
/u/Pm Me Your Regretss
Edit: Christ I hit the front page in my first 13 hours of being a redditor, this is pretty
cool. I guess it comes at a price tho, R.I.P Inbox :(
/u/I AM A FUNNY GUY
Spend more time with your wife. She wont be here much longer. P.S. tell her to skip
Chemo, it wont help and will make her miserable.
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I always hoped Id have some more -

Another year, or two.
A month, a week, a day before
Our days were done and through.
But life is blind, and deaf, and dumb

To simple hopes and dreams -
And just before the moments come,
The moments passed, it seems.
So savour every fleeting night,

And every fading day -
And take the time to make it right. . .
Before it slips away.
#712 Reddit, what was your Its totally not a phase,

mom/dad! that ended up being just a phase?
2015-08-18 19:24:16
/u/DasRotebaron
Edit: Im really enjoying reading some of these. I like how with some, you get get a pretty
good idea of what generations these Redditors are from.
Edit 2: Wow. Now I know why all these posts always say RIP Inbox. Your responses
have all been wonderful. Feel free to keep sending them, as I really do enjoy reading
them.
Edit 3: Ten Thousand comments?! You are all amazing!
Thanks, Reddit!
/u/fabricates facts
Being a vegetarian.
Im a big time carnivore, always have been, but I started dating this girl who was a
vegetarian. Me, being utterly willing to change any facet of my personality if there was
the slightest chance it would increase the likelihood of a girl letting me touch her boobs
or her touching mine, immediately became a vegetarian too.
I went home to tell my Dad and he just says: This is because of a girl, isnt it?
No Dad! Im seriously concerned about the plight of, like, tiny animals and stu. They
are subjected to appalling conditions in those reservoirs!
Abbatoirs?
Whatever!
Righto. Youll last a week.
So, two weeks later, I get dumped. Now I have no girlfriend and no meat, but I cant
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bear seeing that look on my Dads face, the smirking one that says I win. So I persisted
with my vegetarianism for an entire year. Ugh. My first post-veggie meat encounter was
a McDs double cheeseburger and it was glorious.
Now, my Dad says hes impressed that I lasted so long and that it obviously wasnt about
the girl.
Haha, I win, Dad. I win.
[edit] Im not a girl, I was a husky teenager. And yes, my username is suspicious but
its a true story. And to the people saying Actually, your Dad won. . . My God, that
wily old bastard. . .
/u/DasRotebaron
Now thats commitment.
Late at night, it wandered, creeping

Slowly through the quiet, sleeping,
Shaded, shadow-silence, keeping
Soundless as the dead -
There it moved - an apparition

On some haunted expedition,
Till it snied with swift suspicion,
Found its prey and fed -
So it sighed and shivered, sated,

Hunger ebbed and dulled, abated -
Something in the shadows waited.
Gotcha, father said.
#711 Redditors who have met a former crush years later,

how did it turn out?
2015-08-16 22:02:39
/u/bootyhole96
/u/LordShitticus
Ran into her some years later in our mid twenties at a New Years party.
We both were just recently single and started to click. Eventually we both confessed to
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a mutual crush in high school.
Then as the night went on and beer flowed. . . she jerked o two random guys in the
living room.
edit: holy karma.
/u/JooJoona is a bitch
/u/Stef100111
Oh.
We met again on New Years night -

December 31st.
I said: this partys awful, right?
She answered: its the worst!
And so we talked the night away,

Beneath the silent stars -
The coming shade of dawn and day;
The waxing Moon, and Mars.
We spoke of all the skies above,

And all the Earth below;
We fanned the secret flames of love,
And watched the embers glow.
And when our timer drained of sand,

Alas, the night was through -
She held my heart inside her hand. . .
But still had room for two.
#710 What is a phrase that makes you instantly dislike

someone strongly?
2015-08-11 19:22:29
/u/HannibalTheCommander
/u/I FUCKED A BAGEL
Rules are made to be broken

No motherfucker. Rules are made for literally the exact opposite reason.
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/u/R1 TC
Kind of like how bagels are definitely not made to be fucked.
/u/I FUCKED A BAGEL
0.5 Rules are meant to be broken bro

Edit: no it isnt relevant username. He was responding to me. sorry to bust your bubble. So you can halt the dank
karma flow and gilding now.
or dont
/u/ofa776
5 month old account. Color me impressed.
When Timmy stopped inside the store

To buy a loaf of bread,
He came away with something more,
And left with hope instead.
The other kids had girls and boys

To court with youthful glee -
But Timmy played with games and toys,
For all alone was he.
But now, the happy lad opined,

Those lonely times are through.
His bagel waited, well-designed.
He broke a rule or two.
#709 What do you secretly hate?

2015-08-09 21:39:37
/u/kotkaiser
/u/IOU-an-upvote
People younger than me who have substantially higher net worth due to their parents
money.
Like, they own multiple homes by the time they are mid 20s because they lived at home
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forever, mom and dad gave them the down payments and their tenants pay for their
mortgage. Its not that they are necessarily bad people for it, but its frustrating to work
hard and slowly move up while watching others stroll past you with a this is how it is
supposed to be attitude. Again. . . not their fault. . . but fuck them!
EDIT: Thanks for the comments. I dont actually hate these people. Many comments
said it best that there is a little bit of resentment that I didnt have it so easy. I already
have RESPs set up for my kids to spare them from student loans like I had, so I am
planning to do the same sort thing for my kids! Its really the sense of entitlement they
sometimes let show that bothers me.. ya know?
/u/chumothy
The ones who have the I worked really hard for everything I have attitude are the ones
I cant stand.
You didnt work really hard; your parents did. And sometimes, not even them, but their
parents.
/u/Arctic Drunkey
Some people are born on third base and go their whole life thinking they hit a triple.
-Barry Switzer
/u/PussySlaying420King
I like this quote a lot, and will be using it in the future

-pussyslaying420king
Theyre born with a grant and a sweet silver spoon -

They shoot for the stars, but they start on the moon -
They wont understand when you tell them its true -
They dont think it be like it is but it do.
#708 Get my good side on the camera,will you?

2015-08-07 17:53:48
/u/darinda777
[Link]
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/u/SolarFloss
Im just waiting for the redditor that will tell us that the dog is suering from some
disease causing it to do that and then ruin everyones day.
EDIT: something something highest voted
Poemd and Watercoloured
:)
#707 What is a non-racist, non-sexist, and non hateful

opinion you have that would make people dislike you?
2015-08-07 17:31:20
/u/loyaltofearmain
me
kiddingplsdonthate
EDIT: Rip my inbox!imjust
EDIT2: 33K comments, 9k in my inbox
EDIT3: Thanks for the Reddit Silver
EDIT4: Read replies in both Top and Controversial for the best experience
EDIT5: Thank you for the gold, m9
EDIT6: 57K Comments, is this one of the most replied to posts? :o
/u/Tasty Irony
Each and every abortion is a good thing. Unwanted babies make the world shittier.
/u/King-of-Ooo
Not trying to be a dick here but in China, forced abortions are a thing and sometimes
mothers are forced to abort nearly full-term fetuses becaus they violate the one-child
policy. However I agree with what youre saying. As long as its the mothers decision,
every abortion is a good thing. Usually the butthurt pro-life activists dont even give two
shits about the child after its born.
/u/Readys
This is the thing that I dont understand about pro-lifers. If youre opposed to abortions
(I get that in theory) then you should be SUPER pro-birth control and sex education!
Also, they should be advocating for the disadvantaged youth and trying to fix the adop-
tion/foster system.
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When people are anti-choice, but also think we should pull sex Ed out of classrooms and
not make BC accessible. . . I just cant.
/u/photosyntheticstu
Sex is evil and if you do it for fun you should be punished with a baby!
Isnt that a great mindset?
It simply isnt right, she said;

Its too obscene for youth!
I sighed aloud and shook my head,
And answered: its the truth.
In ignorance, mistakes are made -

The facts remains the same.
Theres nothing good or just displayed
In treating sex with shame.
They have to learn, I tried to say -

But managed nothing more.
She grabbed her kids and turned away,
And slammed the classroom door.
#706 What is a non-racist, non-sexist, and non hateful

opinion you have that would make people dislike you?
2015-08-07 16:00:23
/u/loyaltofearmain
me
kiddingplsdonthate
EDIT: Rip my inbox!imjust
EDIT2: 33K comments, 9k in my inbox
EDIT3: Thanks for the Reddit Silver
EDIT4: Read replies in both Top and Controversial for the best experience
EDIT5: Thank you for the gold, m9
EDIT6: 57K Comments, is this one of the most replied to posts? :o
/u/CTRickycallsmeJamie
I am an atheist, and I say merry christmas. Its not an armation of faith, just a fancy
way of saying hello 3weeks out of the year. If someone was oended I would say happy
holidays/happy new year to them specifically, but I dont find the phrase out of context
oensive.
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Both theists and atheists have expressed their dislike for me for having this diering
opinion. To me its like hating someone for not being a vegetarian, you cant help it if
you dont find something oensive.
EDIT: Wow, this conversation has been great, thank you to everyone who commented
and shared their experiences. To answer some common questions:
Yes, I live in the US. Yes it depends on where you live in the states as to what
you experience with this. In the south/Bible Belt you would get more flack for
saying happy holidays instead of merry christmas. In large progressive cities
like ones Ive lived in, people seem to sit around thinking of ways to be oended
by something. I just feel like, you are wishing someone well and shouldnt read too
much into the words as much as the meaning behind them.
No, Ive never had a Christian get oended by my saying it as an atheist, its always
been other religious groups. Ive had non-Christian theists and atheists alike feel the
need to educate me how insensitive it is to say because 1) it implies that Christians
own the time of year and 2) it reinforces that its ok for society to engage in religious
oppression by proxy. I personally dont find it oppressive like that so I wont stop
saying it, but I will share whatever greetings they would prefer when interacting
with them.
Ive also never had a Christian tell me IRL that I shouldnt celebrate christmastime
or shouldnt get time o from work since Im an atheist, but a lot of the commenters
have had those unfortunate experiences.
As far as the vegetarian analogy, saying that since I love animals I should be just
as oended by the treatment of animals by the meat industry as they are, is within
the same vein as atheists who say I should be oended when someone says merry
christmas or bless you because they find it oensive. I just see things dierently.
I can love animals and eat meat just like I can be an atheist and accept someones
kind thoughts. A lot of people disagree with both of those separately, but its the
same concept to me.
Yes, 3 weeks was a little excessive, but you get my point, yah?
Thanks again and Merry Christmas!!! I really want eggnog now . . .
/u/underblueskies
Im right with you! I still love to celebrate Christmas, but I prefer to think that Im
celebrating family, friends, vacation, and presents.
Edit: holy crap everyone, I had no idea this would blow up! Thanks for all the non-
denominational holiday cheer! :)
Edit 2: Ok, my first edit was cheesy, but this is now by far my top comment! Its been
great to hear that so many people feel the same way as me, and its also cool to hear
from Christians who arent oended by my continued celebration of Christmas because
they agree on the values. Im now super looking forward to The Holidays!
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/u/CTRickycallsmeJamie
Right? I had someone ask me personally if I found the Xmas tree/gift exchange oensive
before planning their party. Im like, do I have to say theres a god and pray at the party?
No! Then were good outside that. People get so uptight. I get it tho that some people
really find it oensive, so I guess its a good conversation.
And the music, I love holiday music. I dont believe the message but I appreciate the
gorgeous arrangements by which its being delivered.
My greeting fell on angry ears,

And sunk like weighted lead -
I ran through common slights and fears,
And wondered what Id said.
Whats up? I asked - its Christmas Eve!

She cried aloud, inflamed:
Thats language of oppression, Steve!
You ought to be ashamed!
You arent the man I thought you were -

A sceptic, surely not!
My fragile thoughts were all a blur.
I said: . . . you fucking what?
#705 What things are humans really bad at?

2015-08-04 18:25:35
/u/chrismv48
/u/Silly Buisness
Being able to defend themselves or even semi live independently as newborns.

Get it together, babies.
/u/Jesus-chan
fucking babies
/u/ AppropriateUsername
Poorly worded.
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They stood at the crib with a sigh and a smile,

Contented to wait and to watch for a while -
He stirred in his sleep with an innocent cry;
A sweet little shift, and a soft little sigh.
Hes perfect, she whispered, to see that hed woke -

So faultlessly flawless and helpless, she spoke:
With two little leggies, and one little nose -
And ten little wiggly, wonderful toes!
Hes simply amazing, she sighed with delight,

Then bent down to kiss him, and wished him goodnight.
Her husband leaned in with a shake of his head.
Youre so fucking useless, you baby, he said.
#704 Who is someone in your life that has actually made

you a worse person?
2015-08-03 22:19:09
/u/j rain21
/u/Burdicus
Girl I fell for in high-school. She was the stereotypical gorgeous rich girl. I made her
laugh randomly in the hallway between classes one day and after that moment I knew I
had to have her.
I turned my charm up to 11 for this girl. Somehow everything I did and said was absolutely
spot on. I was a guy well below her league if were playing the stereotype game, but I
was fucking motivated, I was on my A-game.
I was her almost boyfriend for over a year before I started to really acknowledge the
fact that something wasnt right. I was getting strung along. Sure, I got some action here
and there, and we really did seem like close friends (I spent most weekends with her), but
somehow, she kept finding other guys to ocially date. That would last a few weeks
or months, shed break up with them for some reason or another (always leading me to
believe it was for me), shed seduce me again, and a few weeks later shed have a new
guy.
The breaking point was senior years homecoming dance. She had got in trouble with her
parents and they decided there was no way she was going out. I begged and pleaded with
her mom to let me take her, and because they liked me, because they knew I cared for
her, the let her go.
I picked her up, took her out to dinner, gave her a necklace I still dont know how I
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aorded at 17, spent some alone time together, and went to the dance.
But, when we got to the dance, she immediately found the guy she was previously dating
and decided now would be a good time to get back together. She spent half the night
dancing with him before I left. I drove to her parents house and let them know theyd
need to pick her up because I couldnt look at her anymore.
Id done everything for this girl. She brought out the absolute best in me. It crushed me.
After that is when I noticed I stopped listening to people. I used to hear every word she
said, I cared so much about every aspect of her life, I wanted to fix every problem. . . but
after her, that caring side of me really died went numb for a while. To this day I hate
the fact I let that happen to me. To this day I find myself actively TRYING HARDER
to listen to people. I want to care, I want to help, but she left me so numb I had built up
such a defense mechanism that its just way harder than it used to be. It doesnt come
naturally anymore.
Even to this day, I cant help but think Id be a more caring person (in general) if I didnt
put so much into that situation.
Edit: I think most people have an ex of sorts that stole a piece of them at one time or
another. This was mine.
Edit 2: Just to make things clear, I am over this whole incident, Ive moved on and I
have an awesome life a gorgeous wife, and 1 year old son. But that doesnt change the
fact that this experience totally soured me for a while. Everyones personality is formed
by the experiences we have - and this is one of them. Im a happy, loving guy. But since
this Ive definitely had a much harder time opening up and listening. Its not that Im
not over the situation, or her, its just that its something of a defense mechanism that
my instincts never let go of even 10 years later.
Edit 3: She really wasnt some super-bitch or anything, so if it comes across that way
- just know I dont mean for it to. I honestly dont think she knew what she was doing
until I called her out on it (which I waited WAY too long to do). When I wrote this I was
really channeling the memories from those days so it probably came out more passionately
than I really feel about it anymore. But the end of the story is that I have an awesome
wife and try to do well by my family. I have a good life, and even though this experience
definitely aected me in negative ways - I think thats part of life. We all have experiences
like this. . . something that makes us a little more bitter, but you move on, grow up, and
learn from it.
/u/Springheeljac
Well she sounds like a horrible person. Bullet dodged.
/u/Danger716
If you dodge a bullet and it still hurts you, you didnt dodge it.
/u/BoozeoisPig
Bullet grazed.
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I sometimes lie beneath the stars,

And dream upon the list
Of all the scores of fading scars
From all the shots that missed.
#703 People of reddit who are laid back and dont get
worked up about anything, how do you do it?
2015-08-03 17:19:04
/u/greenmusicelephant
/u/VVillyD
I really dont know how to describe it to other people, but I just dont let myself react to
emotions or thoughts that are unproductive. Something starts to seem a bit overwhelm-
ing? Ignore the fact that it is overwhelming and focus on what you can aect. Someone
does something that pisses you o? Think about what you can do about the situation
and if that will be productive. If so, take action, if not, drop it.
Edit: thanks for the gold, folks! My first gilding!
/u/424f42 424f42
I just dont get how people can put so much eort to get worked up
But how do you do it? she wondered, amazed -

So calm and collected and formed and unphased?
So painlessly peaceful! If only I knew,
Then Id be as cool of composure as you!
What is it? she asked, with a shake of her head:

Religion? she pondered; sedation? she said.
Just tell me! she begged, so I sighed, I admit:
Its perfectly simple - I dont give a shit.
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#702 Doctors of reddit, have you had any exciting cases
that have made you feel like Dr. House?
2015-08-02 17:24:18
/u/Operateonthis
Any exciting mysteries that you were/werent able to solve? If so, please elaborate!
/u/blunkraft96
My dad says he was the one to diagnose patient zero during the measles outbreak in New
York during 1991, he says when he called CDC that friday, noone believed him, since it
had been a pretty damn long time since anyone had seen it. He said the only reason he
recognized it was because his little brother had gotten measles once, and the patient 0
had exact same symptom.Eventually he stared such a fuss that CDC did show up, and
confirmed it was measles to which they put the kid into quarantine and began to do their
thing.
edit: the hospital name was the maimonides in NY, and CDC took about 3 hours to get
to the hospital.
edit 2: the patient was not vaccinated
edit 3: Measles can be spread through bodily fluids, and can stay in the air for up to 1
hour, living in NY, its anyones guess who transferred it to him, as another person said,
its possible that they came back from a country where measles hasnt been completely
dealt with.
Good Heavens, son! the surgeon said,

It rather seems to me -
Youre sick with something else instead;
Lets call the CDC!
He rang with speed and quickly cried,

Its measles, guys!, and so -
The CDC at last replied,
And said: u wat? lol no.
#701 Whats the most disgusting thing thats ever been

inside your mouth and how did it get there?
2015-07-29 19:45:53
/u/SuperCub
333
/u/mintakax
I was awakened one morning by a foul taste in my mouth. My infant son had climbed
out of his crib and was retrieving little shit balls from his diaper and putting them in my
mouth. This happened a long time ago, but I still remember the taste.
/u/My Dads A Cop16
And thats the day I put my son up for adoption.
/u/NachoTranny
slightly used with potty training issues. adorable laugh!
As though the ticking weave of time

Had slowed before my eyes -
I saw him bend and smile sublime,
To claim his putrid prize.
His father slumbered slow below,

And shift his sleeping head -
Unknowing soon the shit would flow,
And fill his mouth instead.
And so I stepped towards the boy,

And calmly whispered: stop -
He shook his head with silent joy,
And grinned and watched it drop.
The awful taste! my husband cried,

And hung his haunted head.
The warden spun the key and sighed:
Hell like it here, he said.
#700 Whats the most fucked up thing you have ever seen?
[NSFW]
2015-07-27 19:15:54
/u/burritobattlefield
334
/u/SmellYaLater
When I first started staying at Ronald McDonald House, I met another kid of similar age
to me. He had lost one of his eyes to cancer. We used to play together, watch cartoons,
etc.
After a while, he started acting strangely. We were both really sick from chemother-
apy and radiotherapy but this was something dierent. He didnt want to do anything.
Wouldnt talk to me or look at me. I didnt understand.
My Mum found out and had to tell me that they found cancer in his other eye and it
would have to be removed, too. So he knew that he would be blinded within a couple of
weeks. He was only seven. That kind of shit from the hospital still has me waking up in
a panic at night.
When I was young, I quickly found

The hardest truth to bare
Was learning life the world around
Is rarely just, or fair.
I used to dream of luck, and love -

Of Once Upon a Time -
Of plans arranged and mapped above -
Of reason, truth, and rhyme.
The world was good, and I would fit

Where I was meant to be -
That just as I was made for it,
The world was made for me.
But now I know my dreams of youth

Were simply that - a dream.
And plans are far removed from truth,
No matter how they seem.
There is no phoney final line;

There is no plot or plan -
No crafted perfect grand design,
But living while we can.
So if you wake to tears youve cried,

Then try your best to cope -
For still there lives a dream inside -
And that, my friend, is hope.
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#699 [NSFW] Whats the dumbest dare you ever went
thru with that left lasting physical, mental or emotional
problems?
2015-07-25 01:15:25
/u/mr newell5001
/u/Usagii YO
Make out with the ugly girl at a house party. Everyone was fucked up on ketamine,
so pretty k-rocked as they used to say. So I make my way over to this girl(who had
no idea she was part of a dare) and swing her around romantic movie style over to me
and started making out with her. At some point soon thereafter, I notcied a pretty large
solid object in my mouth. Stop kissing, remove my tongue from her mouth and notice my
mouth is filled with blood. I then spit out what looks like a tooth. Somehow her tooth
came out during us making out.
No words were exchanged, we both simply spit out the blood and I gave her tooth back
then made a b-line exit to the next room with my group of friends.
While slumped in a slumber of Vitamin-K -

Or k-rocked and locked, as the kids used to say -
I entered, befuddled, a foolish aair:
A sprinkling of truth, and a shit-load of dare.
The k-hole was calling; I said I was game -

They conjured their challenge, and mapped out the aim.
A target was chosen; a mission, discussed -
To practice the art of seduction and lust.
And so, with a sense of performance and thrill -

I took the objective, and made for the kill!
And that was the end of my drug-addled youth.
I went for a kiss, and I left with a tooth.
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#698 Porn Actors of Reddit, what is something The view-
ers REALLY dont know?
2015-07-23 18:05:50
/u/wihskas2
title says it all
/u/PostVictorianMan
That its dicult to stay hard when youre doing doggy style and your partner doesnt
practice good anal hygiene.
Source: Have made several no-budget porn movies featuring myself as lead actor.
/u/DarkLordMelketh
Well. Thats a shitty reason to get soft.
There we rocked in moaning motion,

Bodies glazed in liquid lotion,
Shifting like the rolling ocean
Currents flow and flit -
Whereupon a scent surprising,

Drifted, whied, and wafted, rising,
Swiftly, sadly, soon disguising
Every sense it hit -
So it was I felt with wonder

Paling passions slide asunder,
As I slowly softened under
All the weight of it -
There my eorts ebbed completely;

Whats the deal? she pondered, sweetly -
So I answered, indiscreetly:
*Babe. . . * you smell like shit.
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#697 You need to kill someone using nothing but a grape.
How do you do it?
2015-07-21 18:23:57
/u/nomisrosen
edit: this got way more attention than a question about a grape should have gotten.
/u/mostlikelyatwork
Plant the seeds of the grape. Grow more grapes, sell some to cover cost of equipment,
grow more. (Repeat) Eventually build a massive vineyard. Use my money and influence
to kill them however rich people make their problems disappear. Sip wine menacingly.
/u/brobeusswagrid
Gotta admire your devotion.
Come hither, child, he sighed and smiled,

For Ive the perfect ploy -
The finest plan since time began,
He spoke with pride and joy.
Come look, come see! he said to me:

For heres the secret shape!
You understand? - and in his hand,
He held a tiny grape.
Implant the fruit and raise the root!

He shivered, shook, and sighed -
And when its grown, youll reign alone,
And show them all! he cried.
Make wine! he said, and shook his head.

All right, said I, and then -
We bid farewell. . . His padded cell
Was closed and locked again.
338
#696 What should people be ashamed of for not knowing
how to do?
2015-07-18 19:06:47
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Lightning McCheese
People ought to to know how to eectively google things. When something breaks or
doesnt work right, just google your problem, being as specific as possible, and see what
it says. Im not a tech guru, but I am capable of reading the first three links on google,
picking one that sounds right, and following step by step instructions. Please stop acting
so ignorant around the internet. Its not even just old people.
Whenever youre baed, my daughter declared,

When daunted, or doubted, or underprepared;
When youre in a pickle; when youre on the spot -
When needing a fix to a question youve got -
Remember, remember, and never forget -

The answers a moment away on the net!
Dont sit there in silence, all sullen and sad -
If youve got a problem, then Google it, dad!
I listened, attentive, with care and delight -

And worded my query that very same night.
A thousand results, I expectantly read -
And there was the answer.
Its cancer, it said.
339
#695 Redditors age 21+, whats something that makes
you feel really old?
2015-07-14 17:10:00
/u/(deleted user)
edit: Clearly I worded this question wrong. I wasnt implying that 21 was old. I probably
should have said something more along the lines of What situations have made you
realize that youre not still as young as you thought you were?
Example: Im 22. The moment it hit me was when I was student teaching and a student
called me Mr. Knight instead of by my first name. It was awkward because Im only a
handful of years older than them.
/u/UnionJames
The fact that theres a Redditor here calling 21 old!
What Makes Me Feel Old
So.
You know when youre stressed,
And you wake up reeling
With that feeling in your chest,
Stealing your breath?
Well when I was a kid
It seemed like everything I did
Left me scared to death,
Or drowned in doubt
And cast about,
Till Id fixed it in my head
And figured it out.
I used to lie in bed,

Prostrate and scared,
Afraid Id made some huge mistake,
Or spoken words that proved me fake,
Or broken rules too big to break,
Before Id even marched a step
Beyond the school-yard gate.
I used to wait,
Content to lie,
340
And question who, and when, and why,
And where was I?
And did I fit?
And could I stand a life of it,
Or was it just too late?
And so I woke
And wished each day
To grow so fast
That all the past,
Would simply pass away.
But the problem is -

It did.
See when I was a kid,

What I wanted was truth,
And the wisdom to cope with my fears.
But all that arrived was a longing for youth,
And the feeling Id wasted my years.
TL,DR:
To say it quicker once again:
My friends, if truth be told -

Im past the point of saving then,
If twenty-one is old !
#694 Redditors who lost their Job because of a post to a

social media platform, what happened?
2015-07-12 17:41:03
/u/ShitFapShower
Ive recently come into contact with a few people who lost their Job over a Facebook type
social media outlet post, and it got me wondering. . . What kind of jobs take social media
post so seriously?
/u/Shylocv
I had to fire someone for one. He was a volunteer firefighter and left for a call which I
allowed. Fifteen minutes later someone showed me his 5 minute old post of him riding
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quads saying something along the lines of sometimes you just need to F o from work.
That put him on a final warning. He then left because he said HIS house was on fire then
half an hour later his wife tagged him in a photo of him sitting in a kiddie pool in front
of his house.
The funny thing is, in both cases, if he had simply asked to leave early I probably would
have said yes.
Edit: To clarify, this was over dierent days a few weeks apart and he worked for me but
also volunteered as a firefighter. The fire chief also found out about this and dismissed
him from that position as well. This guy had a few issues needless to say and honesty
was not something with which he was familiar.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Shitty Watercolour
watercoloured
http://i.imgur.com/HQyd9lQ.png
Good heavens! he cried with a tremor of dread -

My house is ablaze, and Im needed! he said.
My god! I responded with pity and woe:
Dont dally or dawdle - get going and go!
Be careful, I spoke, and he nodded in fear -

He whispered his thanks and he wiped at a tear -
And there, in the midst of a red flashing light,
He quickly departed in pain and in plight.
I drove to his home on the following dawn -

And saw him relaxed in a pool on the lawn.
His house wasnt damaged.
At night I returned.
I waited in silence and watched as it burned.
342
#693 An old team at reddit
2015-07-11 00:13:15
/u/samaltman
Ellen Pao resigned from reddit today by mutual agreement. Im delighted to announce
that Steve Human, founder and the original reddit CEO, is returning as CEO.
We are thankful for Ellens many contributions to reddit and the technology industry
generally. She brought focus to chaos, recruited a world-class team of executives, and
drove growth. She brought a face to reddit that changed perceptions, and is a pioneer for
women in the tech industry. She will remain as an advisor to the board through the end
of 2015. I look forward to seeing the great things she does beyond that.
Were very happy to have Steve back. Product and community are the two legs of reddit,
and the board was very focused on finding a candidate who excels at both (truthfully,
community is harder), which Steve does. He has the added bonus of being a founder with
ten years of reddit history in his head. Steve is rejoining Alexis, who will work alongside
Steve with the new title of cofounder.
A few other points. Mods, you are what makes reddit great. The reddit team, now
with Steve, wants to do more for you. You deserve better moderation tools and better
communication from the admins.
Second, redditors, you deserve clarity about what the content policy of reddit is going
to be. The team will create guidelines to both preserve the integrity of reddit and to
maintain reddit as the place where the most open and honest conversations with the
entire world can happen.
Third, as a redditor, Im particularly happy that Steve is so passionate about mobile. Im
very excited to use reddit more on my phone.
As a closing note, it was sickening to see some of the things redditors wrote about Ellen.
[1] The reduction in compassion that happens when were all behind computer screens is
not good for the world. People are still people even if there is Internet between you.
If the reddit community cannot learn to balance authenticity and compassion, it may be
a great website but it will never be a truly great community. Steves great challenge as
CEO [2] will be continuing the work Ellen started to drive this forward.
[1] Disagreements are fine. Death threats are not, are not covered under free speech, and
will continue to get oending users banned.
Ellen asked me to point out that the sweeping majority of redditors didnt do this, and
many were incredibly supportive. Although the incredible power of the Internet is the
amplification of voices, unfortunately sometimes those voices are hateful.
[2] We were planning to run a CEO search here and talked about how Steve (who we
assumed was unavailable) was the benchmark candidatehe has exactly the combination
of talent and vision we were looking for. To our delight, it turned out our hypothetical
benchmark candidate is the one actually taking the job.
NOTE: I am going to let the reddit team answer questions here, and go do an AMA
myself now.
343
/u/spez
Ok, Hi!
Its Steve. Im super excited to be back.
Its been a crazy day. Ill be spending the next hour or so in the this thread answering
any questions, and then I need to do some serious bonding with the team here.
Weve got a lot of work to do. Fortunately, Ive got five years of ideas stacked up, and
Im looking forward to getting to work.
edit: taking o for a bit. Lots to do here!
edit2: Im going to do an Oce Hours / AMA tomorrow morning 10am pst. I think we
need some quality time together, reddit.
welcome back! :)
http://i.imgur.com/PQRshm2.png
If recent times have left you blue,

And cursing every line;
Or feeling pained and troubled too,
To see the mood decline -
Annoyed, provoked, and piqued with plight,

At shifts and switches, strange -
Then let it pass. Enjoy the site. . .
And raise a glass to change!
#692 Camp counselors of Reddit, what is the most NSFW

thing youve seen happen at camp?
2015-07-10 01:40:15
/u/Keyakz
EDIT: TIL There are a lot of horny pre teens at camp.
/u/cookiecutter
I was a camp counselor a few years ago at a camp for foster kids. One week a counselor
caught a camper (M15) in bed with another camper (F14). The room they were in was
tiny, and the four other girls in the bunks were awake and cheering them on. They were
loud enough to wake the counselor, who pulled the male camper out of bed. The guy had
344
a zip lock bag around his dick, held in place by a rubber band. I was both impressed at
their dedication to trying to have safe sex, and appalled at how terribly they went about
it.
Id think it neat, he said, to share,

Or strive, as one, to seek
A closer carnal camp aair;
A kiss upon the cheek -
What say you, sweetest darling dear?
The longer were apart,
I wait awake and ache to near,
With shaking, quaking heart.
Its only right, it seems to me,
To play our passions then -
And lose ourselves to lust, you see,
A time, and time again.
She held her breath and slipped a smile
To hear the words designed -
Okay, she spoke, content a while:
But what you got in mind?
The most romantic evening planned,
He cried, awaits ahead!
. . . see Ive a bag and rubber band -
Lets get it on, he said.
/u/WhatTheHorcrux
You make me swoon. Will you marry me?
345
When Shakespeare wrote a word or two

On loveliness in earnest, true,
He set a standard, fair and sweet -
And made it kinda hard to meet.
Though poets write in perfect rhyme -

In words and wit transcending time -
In truth, my dear, it seems to me -
Im not so great at poetry.
And so I hope it isnt hard

To read a rather poorer bard
Respond as so to your request -
Or find a rhyme in kind addressed.
Youd take my hand, I see it said?

You wish, my friend, to see us wed?
With deepest woe; without ado -
Alas, Im not the one for you.
#691 Camp counselors of Reddit, what is the most NSFW

thing youve seen happen at camp?
2015-07-10 01:00:58
/u/Keyakz
EDIT: TIL There are a lot of horny pre teens at camp.
/u/cookiecutter
I was a camp counselor a few years ago at a camp for foster kids. One week a counselor
caught a camper (M15) in bed with another camper (F14). The room they were in was
tiny, and the four other girls in the bunks were awake and cheering them on. They were
loud enough to wake the counselor, who pulled the male camper out of bed. The guy had
a zip lock bag around his dick, held in place by a rubber band. I was both impressed at
their dedication to trying to have safe sex, and appalled at how terribly they went about
it.
346
Id think it neat, he said, to share,

Or strive, as one, to seek
A closer carnal camp aair;
A kiss upon the cheek -
What say you, sweetest darling dear?

The longer were apart,
I wait awake and ache to near,
With shaking, quaking heart.
Its only right, it seems to me,

To play our passions then -
And lose ourselves to lust, you see,
A time, and time again.
She held her breath and slipped a smile

To hear the words designed -
Okay, she spoke, content a while:
But what you got in mind?
The most romantic evening planned,

He cried, awaits ahead!
. . . see Ive a bag and rubber band -

Lets get it on, he said.
#690 Whats something thats better when its used than

brand new?
2015-07-05 16:25:01
/u/DrJohannesburg
/u/-eDgAR-
Pets, especially considering there are millions of animals in shelters that have a lot of love
to give.
My dog, Snoopy (who recently passed) was bought from my neighbor for $20 when they
were about to give him up to a shelter and it was the best used purchase I have ever
made.
Edit: Since a few people have asked for pictures of Snoopy here is the first picture I have
of us together shortly after I got him and the last one, which are two of my favorites. Ill
also throw in this gif of him smiling.
347
Though plenty of puppies are perfectly sweet -

And wholehearted owners are in for a treat -
In terrible numbers the county around,
Theres previously-puppies in packs at the pound.
For without a failing or fault of their own,

Theyre left or theyre lost and abandoned, alone -
Discarded, forgotten, and locked in a pen -
But waiting for someone to want them again.
And whether theyre bald or theyre old and abused -

Or fearful and frightened or broken and bruised -
Dejected, rejected, and misunderstood -
You show them some love, and theyll love you for good.
#689 What are some good Reddit alternatives?

2015-07-04 00:23:22
/u/DKPUNK16
/u/koltan
Pornhub. I went there to watch a girl get fucked by her employer. . . ..

I guess I never really had to leave reddit to see that though.
She stood behind the door and sighed,

Then sadly shook her head -
I checked the browser list, she cried,
And what I saw ! she said:
*Employees pillaged, bruised, abused,*

And broken by the brass*
A bunch of folks all sorely used,*
And conquered, ass by ass?!*
You told me you were done with that!

She cried, and wiped a tear.
But youve been watching smut, she spat.
No darling - reddit, dear.
348
#688 Whats the most insane coincidence youve experi-
enced?
2015-07-01 18:29:40
/u/-mArtiAn-
/u/boyskissinboys
When I was eleven, I was in the park like half a mile from my house and I was flying a
Winnie the Pooh kite. I was the only kid around with a kite at the time, and I was pretty
zoned into it, and didnt notice when the string came loose.
One hundred feet of twine zoomed away and out of reach, and Pooh Bear was gone.
Later that night, my family and I went out to eat, and when we came home there was a
string dangling from the gutter above our front door.
My dad grabbed it and started pulling. The string seemed to go all the way up into the
night sky, we couldnt see the end of it.
A hundred feet of pulling later, there was my Pooh Bear kite.
It came back to me.
Edit: My parents were dicks, so I didnt tell them Id lost the kite because they would
have bitched me out over it when I was already upset. I highly doubt either of them were
involved in its return.
The kite wasnt tied in place, it was just barely stuck against the rough edges of the
gutter. A strong wind could have easily blown it away.
/u/McZanderson
This is just.. so.. CUTE.
/u/boyskissinboys
Haha! Glad you enjoyed it.
/u/360Bryce
Pooh Kite.
http://i.imgur.com/p2aKPFw.jpg
/u/Mandible Claw
So no ones going to mention Poohs hammer cock?
349
He glided high to surf the sky,

And floated by on gusts of air,
That whipped and blew and flapped and flew,
For me, for you, for Pooh, the bear.
Alas, there sighed a wind that cried,

And soon I spied a sight unfair,
To see him crossed and torn and tossed,
And left and lost was Pooh, the bear.
And so I knew the worst was true,

And wandered, blue, to home and there,
I heard a knock and saw it dock -
The hammer cock of Pooh, the bear.
#687 What was the biggest blu in history?

2015-06-28 17:10:06
/u/pannenkoek2012
/u/ThatScottishBesterd
Theres a story about the ancient chinese strategist Zhuge Liang who found himself in a
castle with only a token force, surrounded on all sides by an overwhelmingly larger force
being led by his rival, Sima Yi.
Both Sima Yi and Zhuge Liang were god-tier level tacticians, and had been pretty much
making each others lives misery for some time. Zhuge Liang was just a little bit more
god-tier though, and Sima Yi was terrified of him. So terrified that he went into every
encounter with Zhuge Liang expecting to stumble into traps within traps and Admiral
Akbar wasnt around yet to warn him about them.
He was so terrified of Zhuge Liang that, when Zhuge Liang actually died in the middle
of a battle, causing his forces to withdraw, Sima Yi called o a pursuit (that would have
been a massacre) because he was worried that Zhuge Liang wasnt really dead, and he
was being drawn into yet another trap.
Anyway, back to this fortress. . .
So Zhuge Liang knows that, if Sima Yi attacks, its probably all over. So when Sima
Yi arrives, he found the castle gates wide open and not a soul in sight; nobody except
Zhuge Liang himself, sitting on the castle walls and playing an ancient Chinese string
instrument (the name of which escapes me) in full sight of the approaching army.
Sima Yi was so taken aback by this bizarre arrangement that he reasoned this must be
an attempt to distract him. And after staring at Zhuge Liang in this seemingly empty
350
fortress, the gates wide open to invite him in, and no sign of anything resembling an
ambush in the surrounding wilderness. . . .
Sima Yi noped right of there and went home because he just couldnt believe it would be
that simple.
Now that is a pretty badass blu.
/u/qihqi
For those interested, look up the book Romance of Three Kingdoms it is epic.
Edit: Here is the Wikipedia article about it. And this TV series is pretty good (Now
time to find the subtitle).
Edit2: If someone knows which English translation is better please let people know!
/u/skivian
or you can play any of the dozens of Dynasty Warrior games.
/u/jqpeub
Yeah zhuge liang has some bad-ass triangle moves
What is it then? the general said,

An army, underground?
A naval force behind your head?
A fleet of horse and hound?
Or maybe, said the same and sighed,

Youve hidden men of might!
A whole platoon, he cursed and cried,
Of steely savage knight!
I bet youve laid the perfect trap -

A cunning, dark disguise!
A covered, clouded, cryptic map
Of sweet deceit and lies!
But Im too smart, and youre too late!

He screamed and waved his sword.
Were gone! he laughed, and closed the gate.
The other strummed a chord.
351
#686 Hi - Im Sam Garland, AKA: /u/Poem for your sprog!
Ive just published my very first original collection, The
Mouse in the Manor House. AMA!
2015-06-24 00:29:21
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
/u/Aint it a shame
What, exactly, is a sprog?
352
A sprog, if I may be so bold

To answer your reply
(Or rhyme a rhyme, if truth be told,
To pass your question by) -
. . . is just a kid, and nothing more -

A poem for your child!
(Though most are rather crude, Im sure,
And too absurdly-styled.)
I use it for the form and flow

That comes with childrens rhyme
(The metre, moving fast and slow,
In patterned tempo-time!)
And yet, for further meaning there,

Youve parent comments too
(And my responses follow where
Their child replies ensue!)
So there we are the perfect ploy

To clear this cryptic fog
(Now raise your glass, and please enjoy
A poem for your sprog!)
So there we are - a sprog is a child. Its a play on the fact that my poems
enjoy the use of metered rhyme ( la childrens poetry), and the fact that
you have parent and child comments on reddit - with mine generally
being replies to the latter!

2015-06-24 00:04:22
Hi!
message).
353
Okay reddit - AMA!
Sprog.
/u/SuitGuySmitti
I once recorded a spoken version of one of my favorite poems of yours (the Gordon Freeman
one) but Im afraid it got lost in the comments when I posted it! :(
Did you ever hear it? What did you think?
I didnt hear this the first time around! Im so sorry - though I try and read
every reply I get, I often skip the links so that I can come back to them
later and respond via PM. I must have forgotten! Apologies again.
You perform that rhyme wonderfully :) Its so amazing to see people making
something more out of the words Ive written here. For example -
/u/Indiefieds songs
/u/Your poem as a songs musical renditions
/u/Shitty Watercolours paintings
/u/motivatinggiraes illustrations
. . . and now yours too - its totally wonderful. I feel like I dont deserve it.
354
2015-06-23 23:18:35
Hi!
message).
Okay reddit - AMA!
Sprog.
/u/uhhmeilyah
What advice would you give to a hobbyist poet who wants to be more engaged in a
community/have some audience for their work?
P.s. Thank you for prompting me to write whenever I come across one of your fantastic
pieces!
Sorry for the delay in answering this next one. Been typing out this behemoth
of a response -
355

What advice would you give to a hobbyist poet who wants

to be more engaged in a community/have some audience for
their work?
Theres little fortune found in rhyme,

And so Ill tell you true:
Enjoy the art, and take your time,
And mostly - write for you.
What I mean is enjoy yourself writing, and dont worry too much about
what other people think.
As for advice: Im probably the worst person to ask for tips on writing (seeing
as I barely know what Im doing. . . ), but Im happy to try! If you dont
mind, Ill also use this response to oer some more general advice too,
seeing as there are a lot of questions below asking for the same.
First things first, Ill show you what I do. Obviously, any advice is dependent
on the style youre trying to go for, but if its to produce something
similar in structure to one of mine, hopefully the below will be of (some)
use to you:
1. I try not to rhyme. No, wait - thats not quite right. Lets try
again:
2. Revised #1: I try not to try to rhyme (. . . thats a little bet-
ter.) Let me explain: I really like rhyme. Thats probably pretty
obvious, but I love the way it sounds read aloud. It boggles my
mind that eight little syllables of text on a white page can have
a wonderful rhythm that a capable author can naturally imbue
simply by selecting the right words. Thats what I try to do - and
often fail. The thing is, really trying to rhyme is a killer - both
for enthusiasm, and for the poem itself. Forced rhymes sound. . .
well. . . forced.
I guess what Im clumsily trying to say here is that its best to
practice loads until the rhymes come easily - until that sense of
rhythm that leads into the right sound at the end of a good line
is a natural thing.
3. Read! Some of my favourite poets are Roald Dahl, Spike Milligan,
and Shel Silverstein. I love the silly, playful sense of rhyme those
guys (all gone now, unfortunately) were capable of coming up
356
with. Childrens rhyme, in fact, but with a meaning that was
often far more dark or adult, or just funny on a level that you
didnt quite get as a kid. If I could write half-an-ounce as well as
any one of them, Id be a happy novice.
Thing is - these guys are quite good to start with, even if their
poems arent really your thing. They all tend to write within
certain rhyming schemes and structures, so theyre a good place
to look for a sense of rhythm and metre.
4. As a general tip, I pretty much consistently start at the end. This
isnt always true, of course, but I do always know where the poems
headed. The dicult part (or sometimes easy part, depending on
the mood youre in) is in getting there, but remember that the
journey is as important as the destination. On that note, I dont
consciously pick a metre either, but wait to see how the first couple
of lines come out. That pretty much decides it for me.
5. Read it aloud! Ive never clicked on the save tab on reddit with-
out reading whatever Ive written out loud first (and at least a
dozen times). I truly believe that all poetry is meant for hearing
like a good story, and its only when you actually say the words
that you can get a sense of how it actually sounds. Thats obvi-
ously even more true when youre dealing with rhyme - its pretty
much all about how it sounds. Writing in iambs or whatever,
youre only really gonna get a sense of how the stresses work -
that is, if theyre actually in the right place or not - by reading it
aloud.
Reading back through that now, it occurs that theres actually quite a lot of
crap surrounding a few very easy pointers - practice, read, write with
purpose, and read again (aloud). If thats remotely useful to you, then
fantastic. If not - sorry.
Lastly - if ever you need a willing reader and a critical eye, feel free to send
me something you write! That oer extends to everyone.
357
2015-06-23 22:36:29
Hi!
message).
Okay reddit - AMA!
Sprog.
/u/Hibigimo
Dear Sprog,
I have often loved seeing your poetry on here. Whenever you comment in a thread I am
reading, i find my brothers and read o what you have written. We have shared much
laughter and sadness with your poems. I am very glad you reddit. So I am saying thank
you for all the hours you have put in. Your poetry has meant a lot and made us love
poetry more. In a super manly way, of course.
My question is, for the darker and more somber poems, is it just artistic insight that
you draw from, or is it personal? You just seem to be able to capture some of the more
melancholy emotions so well, it would make sense if you had experienced them.
Either way, i love your account and poetry. So much so that I am (hopefully) still in time
here.
358
Thanks so much for the kind words - Im pleased as hell that you and your
brothers have enjoyed the rhymes. What a fantastic compliment to
hear that you all read them! Thanks again.
Thats a good question. To be brutally honest, I live a pretty privileged life - I

have a roof over my head, I have a job, and I have a loving, supportive
family. Some of the darker and more sombre poems that Ive written
deal with topics that I have never, thankfully, had to contend with in
the real world.
Because of this, I think that an authors level of accomplishment often lies

in their capacity for empathy. Its hard to put yourself in the shoes of
someone who has experienced something that you havent, but being
able to understand their experience (or try to at least) is an invaluable
skill.
I do my best to capture the mood and feeling of a thread and comment - on

the occasions where the poem makes it feel like the original commenter
is the one thats writing or expanding on their experiences (or the feel
their comments created), Ive succeeded.

2015-06-23 22:14:19
Hi!
message).
Okay reddit - AMA!
359
Sprog.
/u/That Guys Girlfriend
Im so happy that you are doing this!
1) How long does it take you to write a Reddit-poem?
2) How do you decide which comments deserve a poem?
How long does it take you to write a Reddit-poem?
Though rather dependent on topic and time -

On mood and on metre; on rhythm and rhyme -
A normal reply on a thread of a night
Takes minutes to plan, and a moment to write!
If funny or foolish; if silly or sweet -

Then these are the quickest there are to complete.
If sad or if serious, bitter, or blue -
Id rather I paused for a moment or two.
A song for a sadness? An ode for an ex?

The choices are harder; the challenge, complex.
What word do you favour? What concept alone
Can resonate right to the reader unknown?
And so Ill repeat for an eortless end -

The time is dependent on everything, friend.
But still - till the line at the end from the start. . .
I write them with joy, and with thanks in my heart.
The timing really does depend on a lot - the comment Im responding to, the
structure Ive chosen to write in, and the theme of the rhyme. Most
of my comments take about 10-20 minutes or so, but some of the more
360
serious, lengthier poems take quite a bit longer - and some of the silly
short ones take no time at all!
How do you decide which comments deserve a poem?
I dont know if I can accurately explain this, but Ill try anyway: something
just sort of feels right when you find the right comment. Its as though
its a square hole, and you know youve got the right square peg to fit
- all you need to do is figure out the angle to make it work.
Admittedly, that sounds a little more suggestive than originally intended.

2015-06-23 21:44:42
361
Hi!
message).
Okay reddit - AMA!
Sprog.
/u/allie00
Hi Sam,
Whats your day job?
362
Im a postgraduate student and teacher - the classes I teach (not poetry-

related, alas!) have ended for this academic year now, and Ive just
handed in my thesis. At the moment, Im working retail more or less
full-time until my final examinations in a few months.
Wish me luck!
P.s. Also at night, Im a masked vigilante. Sort of like batman.
Only a lot poorer.

2015-06-23 21:18:10
Hi!
message).
Okay reddit - AMA!
363
Sprog.
/u/kimbiablue
Did you start with a regular reddit account before you decided to go with your novelty
one?
On that note, what inspired you to turn comments into poems?
Did you start with a regular reddit account before you decided to
go with your novelty one?
I did, but not for long!
What inspired you to turn comments into poems?
Ive asked myself the same question a number of times. Ill let the rhyme
explain:
Once upon a misty morning,

Seeing sunrise drifting, dawning,
Woke a certain creature, yawning,
Jaded, dropped, and drained.
So it rose, with feathers rued -

Deep from sleep it slowly shued -
Zest for life and living mued,
Feelings fixed and feigned.
So it rose and felt occurring

Something strange, and stranger stirring
Thoughts were whizzing; works were whirring,
Spurring unrestrained!
So it rose and to its wonder,

Something fun had drifted under,
Blowing all its blues asunder,
Swiftly entertained!
Thus arrived the rhyming crafter -

How it loved the joy and laughter -
So it rose - and ever after,
Still the joy remained.
364


2015-06-23 21:06:04
Hi!
message).
Okay reddit - AMA!
Sprog.
/u/kiwisurf
Hi sam, i havent come here to ask a question but instead came here to say thank you.
A while back you posted this:
I saw it before me in shadows of doubt - My means to salvation: my only way out. It
sat there in silence, and captured me, caught - Immune to my heartache, and deaf to my
thought:
I dont want a future, I solemnly swore, Of sadness and silence and loss anymore. I
dont want a witness to witness goodbye - I just wanted someone to care when I cry.
365
I looked at it, waiting, and muttered a vow: Whatever. Lets do it. Its never or now.
Im ending it here, of an evening, alone. I reached out before me. . . and picked up the
phone.
I was in an extremely dark place at the time and was looking for something, anything to
give me the push i needed to seek help.
Your simple poem did this for me and I am well on the road to beating the severe
depression i was once in.
I am a huge fan of your work, you reach out and touch people with your words in a way
that relates so closely to them.
Thank you again sam. Please keep up the amazing work.
EDIT:
Thank you to the kind souls for gilding my comment.
If you ever feel the need to talk to someone then you simply must. I am more than happy
to speak to anyone here at anytime. I reached out and so can you.
Thanks so much for your comment, kiwisurf. Its hard to express this via text,
but its really humbling to read that something Ive written on reddit
has helped you in the real world in some small way.
Ive written quite a lot on depression over the last few years - as a consequence,
Ive had a lot of personal messages from people suering from anxiety-
related problems on a day-to-day basis. Though its really pleasing to
read that a rhymes connected with a person, its absolutely tragic that
a rhyme on a subject matter like depression can connect with so many.
Its such an awful shame that mental health issues are so misunderstood and
stigmatised in our allegedly progressive societies - but I think that it
is getting better over time.

2015-06-23 20:44:53
Hi!
message).
366
Okay reddit - AMA!
Sprog.
/u/craigster38
Hi Sam! Long time fan here! I know the one question everyone is dying to know! I was
hoping your book would clear this up, but alas, it did not. So,
Are you a guy or gal?
367
Haha! This is wonderful. For whatever reason, this question has followed me
around for quite some time. Despite what some people have said (I
read every comment), Ive never explicitly commented on it myself.
Okay - to answer in the only way I know how:
A poets pen upon a page

Whatever form it fills -
It has no gender, race, nor age,
But what the writer wills.
A verse of lines from end to end,

Of any fine amount
The authors self is moot, my friend
The words are all that count.
So cast your findings far away

The rhymes the same, you see.
In any case, Ill smile and say:
Dear reddit, Im a. . . me!
Okay though - if you reeeaaally want to know. . . I am, in fact, a male
Or am I?
;)

2015-06-23 20:39:09
Hi!
message).
368
Okay reddit - AMA!
Sprog.
/u/MeccAnon
What is your favourite poem? And what is your favourite that youve written?
Thats a really good question! Ive answered one above on my favourite poems
from others, but its surprisingly dicult to pick one of my own. There
are a few that, for one reason or another, are quite close to my heart.
Ill just mention 2 here, for the sake of time:
This one on OCD is probably the one that I see most linked to on reddit -
it seems to be the one that resonates with a lot of people, and Ive
received a lot of mostly-positive messages about it. I think it works
because theres just a very sudden change in tone - and it suits the
gravity of the theme.
This rhyme on Terry Pratchetts death is probably my favourite. I was (and

still am) a huge Pratchett fan, and his death came as a genuine loss to
me. It was nice and cathartic to write something, and it all came out
in a very quick rush.
To turn this question around though: which of them do you like best? Id
love to know :)
369
2015-06-23 20:19:10
Hi!
message).
Okay reddit - AMA!
Sprog.
/u/SteamPunk Devil
Has there ever been a time when youve wrote a poem out be decided not to post it
because you didnt think reddit would like it?
370
There are lots of times when Ive written a rhyme and then decided not to
post it - but its actually because Im just not happy with the way it
turned out, more often that not. Im quite critical of my own stu - if
you look through my user page, youre sure to see a familiar little edit
asterisk alongside a fair few comments!
I cant help but toy with them sometimes. If theres anything that just sort
of sounds o in some way, Ill keep at it until its fixed (until I think
its fixed, that is), or until I delete the rhyme in frustration!
There are occasions where Ive been a little worried about what reddit might
think of a rhyme - I tend to start those poems, get about half-way
through, and then suddenly reconsider posting. . .

2015-06-23 20:09:05
Hi!
message).
Okay reddit - AMA!

371
Sprog.
/u/DaedalusMinion
1. How did you get started with reddit?
2. Favorite poem?
3. How many centuries of gold do you have?
and another 150 or so via personal message
One for me please. :)
How did you get started with reddit?
A friend introduced me. Had I known beforehand how much time I would
eventually spend here, I might have sucker-punched him before he did.
Favorite poem?
Im gonna choose the very lazy way out here and pick a whole load of my
favourite poems, so that I dont have to pick the best. I read a lot
of dierent authors nowadays, but there are certain poems that have
stuck with me - and will continue to do so, Im sure - for life. I love Shel
Silversteins Where the Sidewalk Ends, Roald Dahls story-poems, such
as The Three Little Pigs, and anything by Spike Milligan and Edward
Gorey. Of course, then theres The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe, If by
Rudyard Kipling, and pretty much anything by Dylan Thomas.
Im sorry - I totally failed at picking a favourite.
How many centuries of gold do you have?
A sonnet for you:
Upon a gaudy throne of gilded leaf;

A royal seat of richest ruby-red;
Within a world of wealth beyond belief -
A man named Midas sighed and shook his head.
Beneath a mountain made in middle-Earth;

Before the finest treasures there possessed;
Surrounded by the boundless fount of worth -
372
A dragon woke and glanced around, depressed.
The royal sulked and sadly shivered cold;

The dragon roared a flash of fire and fog;
And each bemoaned their cherished stores of gold
For not a one had half as much as Sprog.
(But all the same, across the sands of time

The banks, alas, dont care for gilded rhyme!)
Thanks for the questions!
#674 People who have had sex with their best friends
parent, how did it go?
2015-06-22 00:50:04
/u/LilStein
/u/watermelons99
OP i wouldnt call us best friends but the sex was good
/u/GIVE ME A COMPLIMENT
It took /u/watermelons99 45 seconds!
373
I know in times of stress and strife

When pleasant presents end -
Alas, there isnt much in life
On which I might depend.
The lifting, shifting, drifting state

Across the changing Earth -
The boundless forms of fitful fate
Of cryptic weight and worth -
And yet, despite the woes of youth;

The queries, qualms, and more;
There holds a lone eternal truth -
That OPs moms a whore.
#673 What do you recommend everyone should do every

morning?
2015-06-21 18:46:49
/u/JordanGW
/u/pretentiously
Bend over and touch your toes. either to stretch or to help the world speed up the process
of fucking you in the ass
374
My father stretches every day,

And almost every night -
I tell you, boy, I heard him say,
A stretch can keep the clouds at bay
The most amazing perfect way!
He said, with such delight.
And when, perhaps, your race is run,

My father sagely shared:
Or when the ends at last begun -
Or when the world decides youre done -
Or when it fucks your ass for fun. . .
At least youre well prepared.
#672 If you lived to be 100 years old, what would you say
was the secret to your longevity just to screw with every-
body?
2015-06-19 23:03:12
/u/BoydSchidt
/u/DeaconBlue1
Slightly undercooked chicken once a week.
375
Darling dear? she pondered, weary,

Vision clouded, blurred and bleary:
While I love your latest theory,
Somethings o, she said -
Though Im charmed and tickled trying

Poultry poorly-plucked, or frying
Slightly-cooked, she whispered, sighing,
Swiftly-steamed instead -
All the same, its rather draining;

Putrid, puke-inducing, paining;
Plus - of course, Im not complaining -
Both the kids are dead.
#671 How do you get out of bed when youre depressed?

2015-06-16 18:16:16
/u/Teddy Rhett
Edit: Holy crap! This blew up! Thanks everyone!
376
When days are hard, and nights are long;

When storms are raging rough
When all my dreams are non-too-strong,
And hopes arent hope enough
I close my eyes to hear the breeze;

The secret words inside
The whispered winds that shake the trees;
The songs that skip and hide
I hear the rhymes that ride the tide;

The swing, the sound, the beat
The lines that swell and slip and slide
In stanzas, small and sweet.
I hear the sounds that hold and wait

For those who seek to find
A safer shore; a surer state;
A better frame of mind.
When days are hard; when tempests cry

A squall of aches and pains;
I close my eyes, and breathe a sigh
And poetry remains.
#670 Anthropologists of Reddit, What is something that

people in the Western world cant get their heads around
that is very normal in other cultures (and has been for
ages)?
2015-06-15 17:53:38
/u/Greeneyedlatinguy
/u/Ratfor
Waiting around for someone when you dont have clocks. Nobody has a watch, and youve
agreed to meet up in the afternoon. Get comfy, one of you will be waiting for a few
hours.
And nobody cares. Its just the way it is. Nobody is really bothered by people showing
up late. When youre counting seconds, being a few minutes late is a big deal. When
377
your conception of time is: Sunrise, early morning, midmorning, before noon, noon, after
noon, late afternoon, early evening, evening, sunset, night being o by one isnt really so
big a deal.
/u/Pagan-za
In south africa we have dierent ways of telling time. If you ask someone when theyre
going to do something you could get a reply of now, now now, or just now.
Now is now
Just now is anytime from now to tomorrow
now now is soon.
/u/FeelingSassy
S:Now. Youre looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
D:What happened to then?
S: We passed then.
D: When?
S: Just now. Were at now now.
D: Go back to then.
S: When?
D: Now.
S: Now?
D: Now.
S: I cant.
D: Why?
S: We missed it.
D: When?
S: Just now.
D: When will then be now?
S: Soon.
378
If now is now, and then is then,

And then was now before -
Why cant it just be then again,
Or now for moments more?
I miss the then - the now that was -

The then, that is, of now -
And want the now that was because
It passed too fast, and how!
So take your then and think again,

And now your thens will be -
For then your now s a then and then
Your thens a now, you see?
#669 What mild inconveniences make you think its

2015, I shouldnt have to deal with this shit?
2015-06-14 23:09:21
/u/PmButtPics4ADrawing
Printers. They are just so aggravating. Im not sure what Id expect them to be like in
2015, but something should be dierent. For one thing, why cant there be a printer that
will print in black and white if one of the 50 color cartridges has ran out of ink? Its just
frustrating.
379
I woke in the future and rose with a sigh

The sun shone a beam through a shuttle-filled sky
Good morrow! he called, as he worked his machine:
Youve made it through stasis - its thirty-fifteen!
Weve mastered biotics, he cried with a grin:

And math and mechanics and wisdoms within!
Weve beaten diseases (as much as we can)
Weve cures for the aches and the ailments of man!
Weve knowledge in notions you cant comprehend

What say you, my formerly time-frozen friend?
I pondered my query, and questioned him so:
Are printers perfected?
He answered me: . . . no.
#668 Guys of Reddit. What is something that girls do

that they think is sexy, but really isnt?
2015-06-13 01:54:37
/u/HornyLesbianLove
/u/fastrthnu
Completely remove their natural eyebrows and then draw them somehow.
/u/heliotach712
I was dating a girl for months, unaware that she did this. I almost had a seizure when
I saw her come out of the bathroom with her eyebrows. . . erased(?). She looked like
Voldemort.
/u/cinepro
I knew a girl who did this. Once she drew them on too high. When I told her she looked
surprised.
380
All right, she said, then sighed instead:

Its time to make a start.
She frowned to see the face ahead -
Her mirror counterpart.
A minor flaws a foolish bore,

But all the same, for pride -
Its just a case of making more
From what youve got, she sighed.
And when shed made her choice to trade;

To shape her own instead -
That former flaw began to fade:
Thats better now, she said.
She turned away to face the day -

A friend was passing by.
What up? he smiled, then paused to say:
Your brows are kinda high.
#667 What happened at the worst party youve ever been

to?
2015-06-12 18:21:13
/u/eddiemurphyscareer
edit: Front page of askreddit! Time to throw a party worthy of being in this thread :D
/u/xRaw-HD
Repost from another thread here: At a birthday party for a 4 year old in my neighborhood,
we (the parents and I) caught the clown masturbating in the kids bedroom holding a
picture of the mom.
Credit: /u/SueKam
/u/flyingbalooga
Much better than holding a picture of the kid. Or just holding the kid.
/u/xRaw-HD
That would have been disturbing as shit. Fuck clowns are scary.
381
/u/Epic Phel
Then consider yourself lucky you only found a Masturbate clown.
/u/wildistherewind
/r/nocontext
He rubbed his eyes and shook his head:

My unsuspecting wife -
A masturbating clown, he said,
I think shes scarred for life.
You should have seen the kids! he cried,

And shivered, cold and quick -
A grim surprise, he sadly sighed.
I whispered: lucky prick.
#666 What is one thing every couple should do together?

2015-06-10 00:32:01
/u/ashultz95
/u/silverblaze92
Have sex.
/u/im a slav 4 u
My wife stopped showing up.
/u/ThisIsReLLiK
I will get her home earlier tonight.
382
I scattered rose of crimson red

Across the dusky room -
A blushing bud, I boldly said;
A blossoms bid to bloom.
And so I laughed with deep delight,

And finished, roused and thrilled -
The candlelight was warm and bright;
The wine, uncorked and chilled.
I whispered wistful: dont forget -

Tonights the night to share.
And dearest sweet, the scene is set.
She said: I wont be there.
#665 What is the current drama going on with your friend

that shares everything on facebook??
2015-06-09 19:35:03
/u/77Columbus
Everybody has that one friend that likes to overshare on facebook.
/u/comicsandpoppunk
Someone keeps reporting his photos as nudity. The more he complains about it, the more
likely I am to start joining in.
Edit: its not Steve or Stephen or Phil or Sergio or whoever else you think it might be.
You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.
/u/2bass
Oh god that reminds me. A while back, a guy on my Facebook accidentally posted a video
of himself jerking it. And it took almost a full day before he realized it, so for dayyyyyys
there were tons of posts from his various family members telling him how disappointed
in him they were, how his grandmother had seen it, etc.
Probably the greatest actual Facebook drama Ive experienced.
383
/u/B0yWonder
How the fuck do you accidentally do that?

It was all an honest mistake. I was filming myself jerking o, like normal. I had to
use my laptops built in camera because my memory was full on my digital camera and
phone. Too many self jerking videos. You know how it goes. Gotta monitor the form
and correct weaknesses. Well, after I finished I saved the file. How else am I going to
rewatch it later. I cant jack o in the mirror to watch myself like some psycho. Totally
unrelated I wanted to upload to facebook a video of myself going down a water slide at
Schlitterbhan. Unfortunately I had saved both video files to the same folder and titled
them wet.n.wild and wet.n.wild2. You can guess the rest. Easiest mistake to make. It
probably happens a thousand times a day.
Edit: Lots of people chiming in to say Probably made it for his gf and then it happened
while his phone was in his pocket. Super easy. Call me old fashioned, but when I film
myself sticking things up my butt jerking o, I dont save the evidence for later.
/u/ctrlaltelite
> Gotta monitor the form and correct weaknesses.

Thats some Mikes Left Hand level shit.
Darling? Mary pondered, sighing,

Though I love to see you trying
New pursuits as suit the flying,
Fleeting sports of men -
Oft Ive noticed posts pretending

Something safe, but soon oending;
All our friends are fast unfriending,
Darling dear, and then -
Though I know the thoughts frustrating,

Check the picture while youre waiting -
If its you dear, masturbating,
Maybe think again.
#664 What fan theories have blown your mind with their
devastating logic?
2015-06-08 18:42:24
/u/Exdee1
384
/u/superswellcewlguy
In the Half Life series, the reason Gordon Freeman doesnt talk is because he keeps all
his weapons in his mouth.
Perhaps, he spoke, and waved his hands

To form his theory more -
He speaks the sounds of sparring lands;
The silent stirs of war!
Perhaps, he said, and sighed with joy,

He shows the sinless soul -
The soundless, pure, and perfect ploy
To shifty state control!
Perhaps! he cried with ardent glee,

And eager, zealous zest -
He represents the fair and free;
The brightest, bold, and blessed!
The clues are there - a muted bait

Of meaning, north and south!
Or maybe, spoke his weary date,
His guns are in his mouth.
#663 What would be the worst machine that a trans-

former could become?
2015-06-04 17:01:13
/u/lightfrog94
/u/CorDa616
A tamagotchi and then forgotten and starved.
385
Here I stay in silence, hiding,

Slowly planning, boldly-biding,
Wary, watchful, guarding, guiding
All from pain and plight.
Here I lie with every feature

Masked within a phoney creature -
I, the wise and waiting teacher,
Leading, out of sight -
. . . something strange is changing greatly -

All I do is sit sedately.
No ones come to feed me lately.
Master loves me, right?
#662 What has the internet basically made obsolete?

2015-06-02 18:53:21
/u/littlemonky
Edit: Thanks for the gold!!

Edit Deux: Nevermind, someone tricked me..fuck me sideways.
Edit Fin: Someone guilded this and shoutout to /u/jmnugent for the three months of
gold. Yall bring out the Jesus in me.
/u/Flowsephine
Porn magazines
386
I shant forget that former time;

That fated, dated day -
When mother smiled and sighed, sublime,
And sat me down to say:
Oh wildest child of wayward mind -

Oh tiny troubled teen -
How sweet to know Ill never find
A manly magazine -
If I should dust this dusky room,

Or sort its sordid state -
Beneath the grimy under-gloom,
No glossy women wait -
Those trying times have changed, and yet -

Ill say, before were done:
Remember, boy. . . we share the net.
Delete your searches, son.
#661 You have an almost infinite supply of potatoes. How

do you take over the world?
2015-05-31 16:57:57
/u/PainIntoPower
Edit: Wow did not expect this to blow up.

Edit 2: Sorry I didnt clarify the meaning of almost infinite. The supply should be
constant and infinite.
/u/MarkDeath
First, flood market with potatoes. Every single shop, fast food store, etc. has your
potatoes. Theyre so cheap that no one can compete and ends up moving to other crops
since they cant make a profit. Now, once your potato hegemony is established, slowly roll
back potato supply. Enough to cause some rise in prices but not enough for panic. All of
a sudden, stop potato supply. No one can supply enough to match your previous supply
and the Great International Potato Inflationary Crisis occurs. World leaders clamour for
you to resume your supply, and you laugh maniacally from your potato funded spaceship.
Hold the world to ransom as supplies of chips, fries and crisps dwindle and die. Once
sucient panic has been created, get plastic surgery done and come back to Earth as the
Potato Messiah, slowly bringing back potatoes to the world. The world is so grateful that
387
they vote you World Leader. If they dont, cut o potato supply again.
Edit: apparently I might face invasion - potato funded private military for my sovereign
space state of Potatica would be used to fend o attacks and burn down competing potato
farms on Earth. I mean Im not saying youd want to destroy peoples lives and incomes,
but they really shouldnt be growing potatoes.
Anyway, with near infinite potatoes, you have infinite ammo. With enough research and
development wed have potato bullets, potato armour, potato piercing rounds and potato
cannonballs. Global military eort wouldnt stand a goddamn chance against the might
of Potatica.
Edit 2: obligatory edit saying thanks for the gold!
/u/mynameipaul
They key would be to make potatoes so cheap, that you not only undercut other potato
suppliers, but other food suppliers in general.
Undercut the rice and grain industry etc. Potato becomes the staple of every poor person
the world over, to the point where rice is replaced in asia. People are consuming such
reduced quantities to other foods (to take advantage of these super-cheap potatos!) that
the production of other foods dwindles and falls away.
Then cut o your potato supply and watch a global famine crisis strike. . . from your
potato funded space ship.
I hear them curse and crave my crop

In bitter waves of woe -
For though I have the means to stop,
The humble taters grow -
And always are they cursed to know,
Without a reason why -
That I could end the feed and flow,
And all the world would die.
I see their empty plates and plight,

And from my tuber-throne -
Upon my seat of starchy spite,
I sow the seed, alone -
And so the paupers grieve and groan,
Until, for what its worth -
Potato-goods are all thats known,
And spuds control the Earth.
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#660 What non living thing has made you so mad that
you destroyed it?
2015-05-29 16:38:57
/u/amaninsane
/u/rustlethemjimmies
A car I bought and a necklace I gave a girl..

Bit of a story behind this one.. I think when we started dating I was 16 and she was 14,
so you still very new to the world of love and relationships. She lived an hour away from
me, and was literally the reason I got my license ASAP and saved up a car. Every cent I
earned pretty much went into keeping this 15 year old shit fighter alive / full of fuel so I
could see her.
One day, she made an o hand comment about how it sucked that I never actually bought
her anything.. Which kinda hurt, but I thought fuck it, she is right. So I saved up. I
searched. In the end, I settled on what I could only describe as the perfect opal, had all
the right colours, was very pleasing on the eye, set into a little gold pendant on a very
fine, gold chain.
When I gave it to her, she literally cried. It was the first gift shed ever received from
anybody. She wore it everywhere. She never took it o. I cant even begin to describe
what it used to do to my nearly 17 year old self to see her wearing that, and only that.
She was just beautiful.
After I turned 17, I had to move to the other end of the country for a year for study, and
being the tender ages of 17 and 15, we believed we could make long distance work, cause
you know, them dreams of marriage, right?
Well.. The inevitable happened. We fought the entire year. We made up for the entire
year. We broke up. We got back together. I finished my study, and I drove home. I drove
that same shitfighter back to our side of the country 4,000km away. She didnt know I
was coming back home at this stage.. And when I walked into her work to surprise the
now 16 year old girl who I had fallen into that puppy love with, you cant even describe
how I felt when I saw her wearing that necklace.
Then came what was mostly 6 months of bliss.. I got a new car, but kept the old
shitfighter. She was doing great in school, things seemed great.
But it was shortlasted.. She grew distant.. And then stopped talking to me altogether..
Everytime I visited her, she wouldnt look at me, she wouldnt speak, she wouldnt say
a word.. This went on for a month.. In the end, on a Monday, I went over I told her I
couldnt do it anymore, couldnt keep talking to myself, and said I was going to give her
some space until she sorted her headspace out. On the Friday.. She was dating one of the
Army blokes that get stationed here where I live from interstate..
A week later, I received a letter in the mail, with two words - Im Sorry and the
necklace..
The next few months were hell. The torment of wondering how long it had gone on for
drove me insane. At 18, I believed this girl was going to be my life. I gave her everything
I could. I was there for her through the depression, through the self harm, through
everything.. And I lost it all to some tosser in a uniform and nice car.. I actually went
389
mad trying to reason it all out.
So one night.. I got in that old shitfighter, wearing that necklace, and I lined up the
powerpole at the end of the road 3km away.. And then I began accelerating. I hit
190km/h by the time I left the road. But then I missed the power pole, and rolled the
car 4 times, and somehow walked away from the wreck.. One week later, I destroyed the
necklace. Broke every linkage. Turned the rock to dust.. And put it in an envelope and
gave it straight back to her.
They say your soulmate isnt the person you have the most in common with, but the
person who feels like home. I felt like our relationship was home. No amount of other
relationships of any depth or commitment with completely dierent girls were the same.
But.. I grew up, and just like real life, when you grow up, you move out of home. My
future doesnt lie at what feels like home.
Nicole, I hope youre doing okay. I hope he makes you happy.
TLDR - Wrecked a car and a necklace, both of which I bought because of puppy love for
a girl
EDIT: sooooooo /u/filmmak has so generously decided that he/she would like to turn
this into a short film if anyone is interested? Shit ey. . . I wont lie, Im mass keen. And
all dis gold. Wat do? Cheers!
Perhaps its a foolish or fanciful claim,

But no other pain is precisely the same.
I speak from acquaintance, and say that its true -
You dont really know what it means till you do.
Its bitter and brutal, and cruelly unfair -

The harshest of truths, and the hardest to bear;
For there, at the end, with your pieces of heart -
Your lives carry on, but you live them apart.
#659 What are some ugly facts about famous and well-
liked people of history that arent well known by the public?
2015-05-28 19:26:49
/u/- -Hamodi
Edit: OMG , I log in and see this !! THANKS GUYS :D <3

Edit2: Jag lskar dig Timmy ! <3
390
/u/bowyer-betty
Dr. Seuss cheated on his dying wife then married the mistress after his wife killed herself.
She left a really sad suicide note.
/u/EPluribusUnumIdiota
Dear Ted, What has happened to us? I dont know. I feel myself in a spiral, going down
down down, into a black hole from which there is no escape, no brightness. And loud
in my ears from every side I hear, failure, failure, failure. . . I love you so much . . . I
am too old and enmeshed in everything you do and are, that I cannot conceive of life
without you . . . My going will leave quite a rumor but you can say I was overworked
and overwrought. Your reputation with your friends and fans will not be harmed . . .
Sometimes think of the fun we had all thru the years . . .
Dear Ted,
I know youre not to blame.

Its just a broken heart.
But still, my darling -
All the same -
I wish we werent apart.
Dont fear my dear - theyll never know.

Youll say its down to me.
I think thats all.
Its time to go.
So long, my love.
Be free.
#658 Reddit, What lesser known Apps cant you live with-
out?
2015-05-27 16:53:58
/u/AdamSC1
Yeah we know you are addicted to Snapchat and Facebook but what less common apps do
you find yourself using day in and day out? What are the apps that are hard to discover
that are really worth it when you do!
It can be for iOS, Android - heck even Windows Phone or Blackberry if you swing that
391
way! I dont judge!
/u/eluuu
Period Tracker - so you know when to keep your mouth shut.
/u/lokigodofchaos
Back when I played WoW, I noticed my girlfriends period synced up with the Darkmoon
Faire. It was a lifesaver.
/u/yours duly
A great codeword too for when youre answering phone in front of your gf.
Dude wanna join us for few beers?
Sorry bro I cant. Darkmoon Fair is on this week.
Im sorry dude. My hands are tied -

Ive got no time to spare!
Id love to come, I said and sighed,
But well - its Darkmoon Fair.
My girlfriend laughed and shook her head -

I hung the phone up quick.
I fucking know it is, she said,
You condescending prick.
#657 What are some things, that look harmless during

the day, but get insanely creepy during the night?
2015-05-26 18:49:29
/u/maxenizer
/u/Donald Keyman
Greeting your coworkers. At 1PM Im all like Hey Hannah and then shes all like Hey
Donald! but at 1AM Im still all like Hey Hannah and then shes all like what the
fuck are you doing in my house?
392
/u/Plz Dont Gild Me
God Hannah once again you are so damn critical of everything
I wake to hushed and haunted sounds -

A shue in the shade.
My heart begins to skip and pounds,
Apart, alone, afraid.
Whos there? I say, and stare ahead

In blind and dreadful doubt -
But not a single word is said,
And darkness lies about.
The shadows hang in silence, still -

I rest, and breathe a sigh.
I lie back down, relaxed until
He whispers: Hannah. Hi!
#656 If you could give one piece of sexual advice to the

whole world, what would it be?
2015-05-26 18:11:57
/u/Highly paid orgy pro
/u/anotherpoweruser
To the men: Dont worry so much about your dick. Whether its circumcised or not, or
small or big. Some woman (or man) will fall in love in with that dick, so you need to also
love your dick.
I love your dick ()
/u/ vargas
As far as size is concerned, I think most guys, at some point, have wished they had a big
penis. This is completely normal. I know Ive thought about it before. And not just in
regards to the perceived additional sexual prowess, either. I would treat it as if it were
some fancy gadget. Kind of like a Fitbit. Id walk down the street and casually show it
o. Or maybe use it as an icebreaker at parties. Like, Id take it out and make balloon
393
animals with it or use it to gain an advantage during beer pong. Stu like that.
But having a massive doing isnt all its cracked up to be. Its like being rich yeah, its
fun at first, until you realize you also have a new set of problems to deal with.
First o, the human body wasnt meant to have a big pecker. We define big as any-
thing over four inches (or 0.77 meters in metric speaking countries). The fact that giant
schlongs exist is an evolutionary aberration which science believes is caused by the spike
in GMO-modified crops over the last half century (GMOs are used because many states
in conservative middle America outlawed HMOs with the No HMO Act of 1962.)
Long story, short bigger dingles require more blood to achieve inflacitude. Thanks to
the large amount of blood that gets diverted away from other parts of the body, each
erection is accompanied by dizziness and dry mouth. Not good if you operate heavy
machinery or make your living as a wine somalian.
Lightheadedness isnt the only side eect, either. It can be a downright nuisance, always
getting in the way and stu. Its constantly getting squished, sat on, accidentally zipped
up, or otherwise brutalized. Not to mention you cant do many normal activities that the
less-endowed can. Sunbathing in the nude, for instance. A chicken hawk might happen
upon your position and think your hog is some sort of land fish and want to make a meal
of the thing.
Many men think having a big package guarantees a better sexual experience for their
partner. Usually, this is not the case. Yes, most women enjoy being filled up. But they
dont like to be as overstued as a drug mules colon. And they certainly dont fancy the
man bottoming out on their cervix like an old Buick going over a pothole. Im told the
feeling is roughly equivalent to being slapped in the nose by a wieball bat.
But that can only happen if the penis actually makes inside the woman. Thats brings
me to my next point: not all women can accommodate erections on the higher side of
average. They have size restrictions which they are physically incapable of deviating from.
So what happens when you take your summer sausage to a pants party that only lets in
cocktail wienies? You get left out in the cold, thats what.
A dinky wang, however, can get in almost anywhere. Take it from me. I call my weiner
The Preposition, because it can go anywhere a mouse can. My cock has never cock-
blocked me. It just isnt very intimidating. Girls dont look at it like its some huge
mountain to climb. More of a foothill, really. Also, I can usually fit my entire willy and
most my testicles in a standard mouth cavity all at once. Try doing that with a big
junk and youre likely to end up choking the poor person to death. Then, you end up in
jail, where your oversized johnson actually can come in handy, especially if you need to
strangle your cellmate because his snoring is keeping you up at night.
/u/AsnSensation
Stopped reading when you converted 4inches to 77cm.
394
>Try doing that with a big junk and youre likely to end up choking the
poor person to death. Then, you end up in jail, where your oversized
johnson actually can come in handy, especially you need to strangle
your cellmate because his snoring is keeping you up at night.
There he sat in contemplation,

Tasked to judge the accusation:
What on earths your explanation?
Come now - make it quick!
Well your honour, I related,

While the judge and jury waited -
Just a sad and failure-fated,
Hapless country hick -
Though I know my crimes appalling,

So I spoke in sorrow, stalling,
Gross and grim, and gruesome, galling -
Sombre, shocking, sick -
If, perhaps, youd heard him snoring -

Sneezer-screaming, snier-roaring -
Youd agree! I cried, imploring.
Had to choke on dick.
#655 Reddit, if you were told you only had 24 hours of

eyesight left, what would you do with it?
2015-05-25 17:26:57
/u/BenNCM
/u/one long year
Do my homework: Research all the applications Ill need for text to speech and for
speech to text, get my phone set up to be usable without sight, look into getting on
some sort of assistance program, find whatever resources for the blind are available
in my area and make them easily accessible.
Get myself a seeing eye dog from a qualified trainer and assure my other dog that
395
this doesnt diminish our relationship, I just need someone who wont pull me into
trac in the pursuit of a discarded hamburger wrapper.
Put in my 24 hour notice at work, and talk a few of the waitresses into showing me
their goodies because Ill never get to see them again. Have a bathroom quicky
with the slutty one when she tries to make it better the only way she knows how.
Blind-proof my house, reinstall the handrails I removed when I bought the place
from an old blind lady, and roll my eyes remembering how I fucking knewI just
knew that someday Id regret taking those things o.
Call up an ex, explain the situation, and go camping with her in a nearby mountain
range. Steaks over a campfire, a few glasses of scotch, and some banging in front of
a sunset.
Make her drive my blind ass home in the morning, and get ready to move on with
my life.
/u/IgnorantLobster
>Do my homework
NEEERDDD
He sat there in silence, alarmed and afraid -

No statement he uttered. No movement he made.
His face was a picture of panic and dread -
Good heavens, I whispered: what is it? I said.
Old buddy, he answered, and sobbed with a sigh:

They found inflammation - a flaw in the eye.
My optics are failing; my visions declined.
Ive twenty-four hours, and then Ill be blind!
Its certain, he said with a sad little smile:

But never you worry, Ive still got a while.
Ill read what I can, till its broken and blurred.
He looked at me, frightened. I comforted: NERD!
396
#654 Ireland Says Yes: Early Results Indicate Win for
Equal Marriage - Its a historical day for Ireland, Minister
for Health Leo Varadkar told RT, adding that if any con-
stituencies voted No, it would only be a handful.
2015-05-23 14:25:23
/u/Short Term Account
[Link]
Upon a road in County Cork,

One fair, delightful day -
The folks of Ireland reached a fork,
And chose a finer way -
Through Dublin, Louth, and Carlow Town -

Upon the Galway quay -
Through Mayo, Meath, around and down,
And up the Irish Sea -
They gathered by the polling post,

And looked ahead, above -
And made a choice, from coast to coast,
To vote, as one, for love.
:)
#653 You have to kill 10% of the worlds human popula-

tion. On which criteria(s) do you base this decision? Why?
2015-05-21 19:58:09
/u/Dachi9
/u/pwlocke13
Id let the world know of my power, and also inform them Im accepting donations to
keep yourself alive. Id kill the biggest donors.
397
/u/NotAnAI
Oh oh. Diabolical evil.
There they waited, calm, contented,

Fortunes barely touched and dented -
Folks that richly represented
All of Earths elite -
There they sat, serenely-knowing

Just as long as funds were flowing -
Riches rising, profits growing -
All was safe and sweet.
There they watched their margins creeping,

Moving cash for safer-keeping. . .
As the gas came slowly seeping
Through the dark, discreet.
#652 You have to kill 10% of the worlds human popula-

tion. On which criteria(s) do you base this decision? Why?
2015-05-21 17:59:04
/u/Dachi9
/u/jonny orange
The worlds biggest game of musical chairs. 7 billion people, 6.3 billion chairs. The only
question left is what song to use.
/u/lightstuonfire
Stayin Alive, duh.
398
A tremor shook the tallest trees,

And trembled through the ground -
A rolling rhythm rode the breeze
On weighted waves of sound.
They stepped along in wretched woe;

A haunted, human tide -
They shued, staggered, swaying slow,
Or falling still beside.
They pushed and paced and ran and raced.

They darted, dragged and dropped.
They twist and turned and caught and chased,
And then. . .
The music stopped.
#651 Where would you hide a 5inch ( 13cm) metal cube

that had to stay hidden for 1000 years?
2015-05-19 16:49:50
/u/prendagast
EDIT: Needs to be recoverable at the end of the thousand years
/u/It Was The Other Guy
Maybe you could calculate a path and launch it to space so that it takes around 1000
years for it to return to earth.
EDIT: If you are already going to spend money to get it to space, you might as well invest
to something that would get it back through atmosphere. Something like a giant vacuum
that suck the air in front of it. Or mobile swimming pool. You know, water is excellent
at absorbing the heat - might absorb some energy from the hit to earth too. Bonus points
if the cube is inside a rubber duck so it floats should it hit ocean on return.
/u/prendagast
nice, thinking outside the box earth
399
They waved it o with banners bright,

In candle-light aglow -
And through the sweeping silent night,
It rose in rapid, fleeting flight
Beyond the happy, hopeful sight
Of those who stood below.
It skippered, skimmed, and hurried high,

And when its juice was drained -
It floated free, to drift and fly
Beside the stars and shining sky -
To meet the moon, and pass it by,
While planet Earth remained.
The turning time at last arrived!

It hurried homeward, where -
The world was dark. Deceased. Deprived.
And nothing grew, and nothing thrived.
And not a single soul survived.
Poor little metal square.
#650 What do you believe is genuinely 10/10?

2015-05-18 16:00:40
/u/jackimpalerii
/u/Zwieback in Bosco
How many pins I leave standing when I go bowling.
400
I see their slender shapes at night -

Their curved and curling frames -
Their falling forms in velvet-white,
And rose of crimson flames -
I hear their silent sweet retreat -

Their final caving cry -
Their shock and awe to meet defeat
Before my waiting eye -
The time is come. My turn begins.

I take the chance again!
I thrust and twist, then count the pins!
Theres always fucking ten.
#649 What saying annoys you the most? Why?

2015-05-16 15:54:35
/u/Raqk
/u/Naweezy
When a girl says If you cant handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best
Bitch mode 99.99% of the time.
She spoke her slogan, well-rehearsed,

And oftentimes expressed:
If you cant take me at my worst,
You dont deserve my best!
So there! she grinned, content with glee,

And pompous, proud delight -
Emboldened by banality,
And self-important trite.
All-right, I said - Im gone, and glad.

She turned with dark dismay.
You see - your worst is really bad.
Your best is just okay.
401
#648 What jobs attract the biggest assholes?
2015-05-13 18:09:11
/u/listentome5
/u/CaptainDickfingers
Forum based website moderators.
Ive worked beside the cruel and cursed;

The worst across the land -
But forum mods are fucking first
For assho-
[user banned].
#647 Guys, whats some weird things that you have to

deal with because you have a penis?
2015-05-12 14:36:54
/u/utakia
Ive heard a couple of stories of some horrible and weird things, but Im really interested
to know more about the male struggle.
/u/Redaisenjack
Anyone accidently peed between the toilet seat while sitting down? I got so confused I
didnt even stop peeing for lile 5 secound.
Edit: ( )
/u/Ucalegon666
Yup. Thats why I have to tuck my dick between my legs and point it down - and hold
it there - the whole time Im taking a dump. No matter the toilet, Ill always find that
magic space between the seat and the rim. Wet pants suck.
402
No matter where I lay my frame to rest -

No matter how I find my sweet release -
I know to lightly lay it where its best -
That peerless place of pure and perfect peace -
The worldly, wise, and wary wish to wait -

To stall inside a stall and sort the scene -
To scrutinise the stage and see it straight -
To stay, or search for sweeter sights, serene -
So if it is I turn my other cheek -

To sit and muse on wonder, wit, and whim -
In doing so, forever do I seek. . .
That magic space betwixt the seat and rim.
#646 Older gay redditors, how noticeably dierent is so-

ciety on a day-to-day basis with respect to gay acceptance,
when compared to 10, 20, 30, 40+ years ago?
2015-05-10 15:58:30
/u/AnotherHereYeHereYe
Im interested in hearing about personal experiences, rather than general societal changes.
/u/sirophiuchus
My brother is ten years younger than me; hes seventeen, eighteen soon. Im gay, he isnt.
He goes to the same school I went to.
When I was there? No out gay kids.
For him? There have been two/three out guys in his year since they were all thir-
teen/fourteen.
Honestly, Im kind of jealous envious. I didnt realise my sexuality till I was 17 and didnt
come out till 19.
To those who sit and sadly sigh:

Our finest days have gone -
The best of times have passed us by,
And passing, travelled on.
To those who mope and moan for more:
Its not the same, you see?
403
I miss the way it was before,
And how it used to be.
To those, my friend, I say: at last!
How fine, and fair, and right.
Im often pleased the past has passed.
The futures looking bright.
/u/sirophiuchus
Aw, a comment of mine got replied to by /u/Poem for your sprog? Awesome! Ill see if
I can muster a reply.

If all we were was known to us
When we were yet so young
If truth and beauty had appeared
And from the forehead sprung

If pain and doubt and loss and tears
Had never had to be
If all was as I know it should. . .
I wouldnt now be me.

Its true Im shaped by what has passed
And am at least content
But sometimes something stirs and says:
I wish twas dierent
Lovely :)
Dont wish for what its not - to wit:

Regrets are for the grave.
The futures what you make of it -
Be strong. Be bold. Be brave.
404
#645 Older gay redditors, how noticeably dierent is so-
ciety on a day-to-day basis with respect to gay acceptance,
when compared to 10, 20, 30, 40+ years ago?
2015-05-10 15:29:33
/u/AnotherHereYeHereYe
Im interested in hearing about personal experiences, rather than general societal changes.
/u/sirophiuchus
My brother is ten years younger than me; hes seventeen, eighteen soon. Im gay, he isnt.
He goes to the same school I went to.
When I was there? No out gay kids.
For him? There have been two/three out guys in his year since they were all thir-
teen/fourteen.
Honestly, Im kind of jealous envious. I didnt realise my sexuality till I was 17 and didnt
come out till 19.
To those who sit and sadly sigh:

Our finest days have gone -
The best of times have passed us by,
And passing, travelled on.
To those who mope and moan for more:

Its not the same, you see?
I miss the way it was before,
And how it used to be.
To those, my friend, I say: at last!

How fine, and fair, and right.
Im often pleased the past has passed.
The futures looking bright.
405
#644 Everyone has at least one good story. Whats yours?
2015-05-08 18:25:14
/u/okjersey
Asked the question and promptly forgot about it until 6 hours later. Needless to say, I
was surprised when I logged back in.
Edit: I asked, and you told. It will take me a day or two, but I will read every comment.
/u/hank moo d
I have a lot, but heres one:

I went to a house party once. People were all around the place. Living room, dining
room, bedroom, just drinking and chatting. At some point, one guy started to hook up
with a girl. They went to the bedroom to. . . well, to fuck :)
When they got there, there were 2 guys and 1 girl. They realized the couple was going to
use the bedroom, so they started to leave. One of the guys, though, turned o the lights
while leaving. But he realized the bedroom got REALLY dark, so he closed the door and
managed to stay inside, hidden.
The couple started to make out on the bed, taking their clothes o, and my friend was
watching, hidden, jerking o. At some point, your eyes get used to the dark, right? The
girl was on all fours, while the guy was banging from behind. Then, all of a sudden, she
screams: Oh my god! Theres someone here!. My friend then started to apologize,
putting his dick away, while turning on the lights. Thats when the three of them saw it:
ANOTHER ninja jerker managed to stay inside the bedroom, at the corner, masturbating.
They both apologized and left the room.
EDIT: Sorry for the english, im brazilian.
EDIT: Its a old post of mine, from here
Shadow-silent, slowly-easing
Through the shade to see them squeezing,
Groping, pleasing, touching, teasing,
Rapt with dark delight
There was I in wordless wonder,

Proud to find my peeping-plunder,
Cloaked and quiet, covered under
Shrouded shade of night.
So it was I watched delighted,

Captivated uninvited,
Till a voice beside, excited,
Whispered: awesome, right?!
406
#643 If you could tell Reddit to shut the hell up about
one thing forever, what would it be?
2015-05-06 19:07:33
/u/3 Mighty Ninja Ducks
/u/disney princess
Have an upvote Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
/u/bundycamp
Also: EDIT: Wow! I didnt expect this to blow up over night!
/u/JaguarGator9
Rip inbox
I came here to say this, just sayin, the feels -

You see what I did there, for science, fo realz?
Did nazi it coming, Anne Frankly its grim -
Fuck Jenny, mlady, but [f]irst hit the gym!
I lost it at fiddy - my minds fuckin blown!

Rule 1: Be attractive, forever alone.
Dafuq am I reading? A cool story, bro.
Be gentle, kind stranger - you nailed it, you know?
Is circlejerk leaking? Its better with rice.

See heres why we cant have the things that are nice.
Your jimmies are rekt, but its risky and sold!
Ill have to allow it - and thanks for the gold.
#642 Men of reddit, when was the last time you cried and
why?
2015-05-04 18:51:34
/u/sameask
407
/u/Mike Tythun
Last night because I am not happy with where I am in life.
/u/homardg
Youre not alone. You and I both, brother. It doesnt matter how slow we go, well
eventually get there.
Remember when the sun was bright,

And shone upon the shore -
And every dawn was sweet and right,
And full of faith and more?
Remember when the summers seemed

To last an age and stay -
And every hope and dream you dreamed
Was but a chance away?
Remember when you loved to wake,

And all the skies were blue -
And every shot was yours to take,
And every day was new?
Remember all the bygone bliss?

Remember when, my friend?
Remember that? Remember this -
It doesnt have to end.
#641 Who were the first redditors, and what did they
post in the early days of reddit ?
2015-05-03 19:17:49
/u/ilove42
/u/paistywhiteboy
The first redditors emerged in the African plains roughly 120k years ago following a
prolonged warming period. Popular posts around this time include Stick point Point
(+347/-20) , and Ug Fail AAAAYYY LMAO (+632/-140). An interesting side-note:
a popular comment from the early days of Reddit, huh? has been reposted constantly
408
in nearly every language since it was first posted by u/PM ME YOUR ROCK, perhaps
making it the dankest meme of all time.
In early, primal, ancient days,

Before the final freeze,
Emerged a mass of waifs and strays
From out the salty seas.
They crawled beyond the savage shore

Where lay the blood and bone
Of all of those who went before,
To flounder, lost, alone.
They slowly passed and stopped to feast

On Friendster s broken wing -
On Myspace (dead), and Digg (deceased) -
On Google Plus, and Ping.
And so it was the rest arrived -

The best and bold, and how!
And Reddit, King of Dank, survived,
For good - for all - for now.
#640 Whats an essential childhood experience that you

missed out on?
2015-05-03 16:36:00
/u/Jolakot
/u/AdmiralJeRK
Having a first kiss. Holding hands with a girl that I like or liked. That sort of thing. Ive
been bothered by that for a long time.
409
When days are long, and nights are tough -

When winds are cold, and rolling rough -
When living leaves you turned and tossed,
Or loveless, lonely, hurt and lost -
Then close your eyes, and think on this:

There waits a first and furtive kiss
For those who try for skies above.
Be brave. Be bold.
And fall in love.
:)
#639 What is something that is better the old fashioned

way?
2015-05-02 15:33:24
/u/nannyuk
There are lots of gadgets designed to help with things, but what is better the old fashioned
way?
/u/The Jizzbot
Reading a book
Theres nothing as lovely - as flawless and fine,

As finding yourself in the fold of a spine -
The turn of the paper; the print on the page;
The scent of a story thats yellowed with age.
Ill stand for a moment, and choose with a smile -

For titles and covers are worth all the while.
So keep all your kindles and kits to yourself -
Im hooked on the look of a book on a shelf !
410
#638 TIL a woman won $1.3 million lottery.She hid it
from her husband and immediately divorced him to avoid
giving him half. He found out and sued. Due a Family
Code statute that penalizes spouses for falsifying data about
their property during divorce, judge ordered her to give him
100% of the winnings.
2015-04-30 16:28:46
/u/babybopp
[Link]
/u/eurostylin
I won $60 on a scratch o ticket (a lot for a college kid), went to the bar with my buddies,
ended up meeting a girl there who was the waitress. 8 years later, were married.
Believe me, in the end, that $60 ticket cost me a lot of money.
/u/Spayde D
So she married you for the money?
/u/AvatarofSleep
Less of a sugar daddy, more of a Splenda Daddy.
411
I cant provide a chest of gold;

Your weight in ruby rings;
A cache of cash and treasures old,
Or other fancy things -
But we could sail upon a sigh,

Or lie beneath the stars -
And watch the simple shining sky
For mercury and mars!
Well slowly ride the turning tide,

And swim the ocean through
Or freely float and rolling, ride,
Upon a boat for two!
Well trade our lot for love! he said.

Its you I need, and so -
What say you, sweet? Shall we be wed?
She answered: Jesus, no.
#637 What mild injustice was done to you as a child that

you are still mad about?
2015-04-29 18:05:19
/u/wrestles bears
/u/riotoustripod
When I was 8 years old, I found a dirty old fish tank in the attic and begged my mom
to let me get some fish. She agreed, on the condition that I had to clean the fish tank
first. This was no small task, since the thing was absolutely filthy, but I took it out in
the yard (with my dads help) and spent the next couple of hours scrubbing it until it
was spotless. Excited, I ran back inside to tell my mom I was finished, and she came out
to inspect my work. When we came around the corner of the house, I saw my younger
brother running away from my spotless fish tank, laughing maniacally. Hed somehow
found a hammer lying around and smashed all the glass in the three minutes Id left it
unattended. I never did get another fish tank. Dick.
EDIT: For those who are curious, no, he wasnt punished. Our parents figured he didnt
know any better; yes, he was young, but not quite that young. This probably explains
why he pulled this kind of crap to begin with. No, I didnt get revenge for this specific
incident, but I definitely did some shitty things over the next few years so we probably
412
ended up about even. And yes, I was convinced for years that Mom put him up to it
because she didnt want to follow through with her end of the bargain.
/u/teresathebarista
This is heartbreaking.
/u/SciFiXhi
Its also tank-breaking.
I still recall the fated day -

The clouds were ripe with rain.
The wind was cold. The sky was grey,
In bitter shades of pain.
I still recall the time with ease -

The moment come to pass -
My hopeless fall to haunted knees
On shards of silver glass.
I still recall the scene, it seems -

The dismal sight in front.
My shattered tank. My shattered dreams.
My brothers such a cunt.
#636 What mild injustice was done to you as a child that

you are still mad about?
2015-04-29 16:39:59
/u/wrestles bears
/u/Hoatzinnn
I got a 9.9 (grades go from 1-10) on a physicsreport about Global Warming because the
teacher doesnt give 10s. Pretty sure this was the start of the decline of my motivation
wow, what a fucking convoluted sentence
for education.
413
/u/CuntyMcGiggles
I had a science teacher in high school that took o marks if your report didnt have a
cover page with pizzaz. I always got perfect on the actual science parts of the test but
lost marks because I didnt use enough colors or sparkles on the cover page.
/u/FoieyMcfoie
Maybe he was training you for real life. In real life, nobody gives a shit about good you
did, only how good it looks
This papers amazing! she said with a smile -

An essay of wonder, of substance and style!
Through sentence by sentence, and line by the line -
Each sections perfection! Each sections divine!
I sat there in silence, delighted indeed -

Well done then, she whispered: a pleasure to read.
She handed it back with a nod of her head.
No sparkles, shed written. D minus, it said.
#635 what was the most shocking thing you heard the
quiet kid say?
2015-04-26 21:55:15
/u/phoenix781
/u/ThePeoplesBard
Nothing. Let me explain: I took a class with Seung-Hui Cho, the Virginia Tech shooter,
one semester before the shooting. The class was called Contemporary Horror. It was
a one-time elective oered by my favorite professor; we read horror novels and watched
horror films and discussed the craft of creating scary stories but also how they reflected
or represented their eras fears. It was a great class. There were only about 15 students
and it was discussion heavy. Cho was one of them. I honestly never noticed him, even in
that small class, until half way into the semester. He wasnt quiet; he was silent. So on
the day we all finally noticed him, our professor asked him something directly. And Cho
just stared at him. I cant remember the question, but the nature of it meant silence was
potentially an acceptable and funny response. So we all laughed. Except Cho. He just
kept staring at our professor. Our laughter awkwardly died, and after a few moments
414
of uncomfortable silence, our professor just said, Oookay, and moved on. It was so
strange. But I forgot about that weird moment until after his rampage.
That professor later told me that Chos papers had been disturbing, but the nature of
our course meant the envelope was being pushed a bit, and it had never been bad enough
to suggest hed do what he did. That professor was a good man, and he admitted he
struggled with not blaming himself on some level for 1) not identifying how severe Chos
mental health problems were and 2) for the graphic and terrible nature of some of what
we watched in that class which may have inspired Cho. He knew that was bullshit, but
a part of him couldnt help but feel some blame. It was terribly sad.
Edit: Added the second para.
/u/ThadChat
Well this changes the tone of the thread.
We didnt know the rage of youth -

We didnt see the signs;
We didnt look to spy the truth,
Or read between the lines.
We didnt think to feel the threat -

The storm of pain and pride;
The masked, misguided silhouette
That crept, corrupt, inside.
We didnt hear the things we should -

The coming, closing call.
But then. . . I wonder how we could?
There were no words at all.
#634 Redditors who married mail-order brides from

Russia or the Philippines, what surprised you the most
when you started living with your spouse?
2015-04-25 17:50:58
/u/9999monkeys
415
/u/chinesewigshop
I used to teach ESOL and TEFL and taught many women who had married through
agencies. They were all supporting people back home. The husbands were, by and large,
nice enough guys who didnt have the most amazing social skills. A few ladies were past
45 and looking for a new adventure in life. They spoke about sex the same way they
spoke about housework or any task to be completed. They were also doing it to have kids
in safer, healthier places. None of them where in love with the men but they all loved
them. The men all adored them, just worshipped the very ground they walked on. On
average it seemed to work out as well as more traditional arranged marriage as we in the
West think of as commonly happening in places like India.
/u/Skruburu
How expensive were they? Im asking for a friend
/u/DanielPlainview22
The Average Cost On average, pursuing a mail order bride will cost you between $1000
to $15,000. There are many things included in this price:
1. Reputable Sites. It is best to stay away from free websites, since they are often
filled with scams. One man relates the cost of a bride to that of buying a car. He
claims It all depends on what you are willing to spend.
2. Catalogs. The next part of the price includes the catalogs used to make the selec-
tions. Each of these will usually run around $120.
3. Translation Fees. Since a large amount of these foreign brides do not speak English,
a person must hire a translator for phone and other forms of correspondence. They
will usually charge $6 per minute on the phone.
4. Addresses. When a man becomes serious about a few women, he will want to
purchase the girls address to send letters and gifts. Addresses usually will cost
between $10 and $15. A translator will also be needed for these letters which will
normally adds another $10 to $15 a letter.
Dating After Finalizing A Bride
It is always best to meet the future bride in her home country. The family will probably
want to meet the girls future husband. This meeting is referred to as a romance tour.
These trips can cost anywhere from $3500 to $7000. If things go well and a ceremony will
be performed, it is necessary to file a K1 Visa. The fee for this is $450, but $250 is usually
needed to pay for translation of the documents. Statistics show that ever year, thousands
of mail order brides come to this country. Over three quarters of these marriages end
happily and are long lasting. There are many hidden costs associated with pairing with
an international mate. Even as the internet has made the process a bit easier, the cost of
mail order brides is still a bit high, but proven to be worth it in the end.
http://www.mailorderbrideprices.com/
Edit: I am not an expert on mail order brides. All of this information comes from the
website that I linked at the bottom of my post.
416
/u/Skruburu
That. . . Is surprisingly cheap. Are there any monthly/yearly fees?
/u/Deadmeat553
Uh. . . No.
What would they do? Repo your wife?
/u/Huntred
I would binge watch a Wife Repo reality show on a sunny day.
No listen, bud - you missed your due.

Your numbers up - youre done!
You should have paid a bill or two,
Before you had your fun!
The felon, features-fuzzed, replies:

I meant to pay, I swear!
He hangs his head and sadly sighs,
Despondent in despair.
Too bad! they say, and storm inside -

Youve only you to blame!
Its time to grab your Asian bride,
(TM)
Cos this. . . is Wife-Reclaim.
#633 What will be Millenials I used to walk 5 miles to

school uphill both ways when were all grandparents?
2015-04-23 16:50:13
/u/quickwittedlitvak
/u/alpha tango victor
I used to have to dial into the internet with a 56K modem
417
Come nearer, lad, my grandpa cried -

A weak and weary sound.
He sat, fatigued, then sadly sighed,
And whispered: gather round.
His wistful words were weighed with woe -

His grin was grim with grief.
His voice was lost and lonely, low,
Refusing all relief.
How sweet, he said, to lead a life

Of unrestricted joy -
To never know the strain and strife
Of yesteryear, my boy.
Youll never fear the fateful phone -

The telling sound of sin -
Or crave an afternoon alone
To get a swift one in.
So seize the smut and clasp the crude!

He cried and threw his cap.
I shook my head: Whatever dude.
And went upstairs to fap.
#632 People of Reddit who lost a loved one because of a

funny/ironic death, how did you deal with this? Did you
feel supported?
2015-04-22 15:33:12
/u/defaultUsername87
And if I may be so blunt as to ask, how did they die?
/u/rufl
My dad died while in work. His heart just stopped suddenly.. He was the only one in his
work trained to use the defibrillator
/u/smug rum smuggler
Thats just poor planning.
418
You build up a ladder with durable sides -

With weight-bearing steps, and with even divides -
It does what its meant to. It does what it should.
Its faultlessly flawless, and gorgeously good!
Its strong and its shiny. Its nice and its neat.
Its perfect for purpose, constructed complete!
Its sorted, you whisper, and sigh with a smirk. . .
But rip o a rung and it wont fucking work.
#631 What illegal thing should everyone try at least once

in their life?
2015-04-19 16:40:16
/u/rosydaydreams
edit: woah this is on the hot page of askreddit?? how fitting that this happen for the first
time on my birthday thx guys!!
/u/mattythedog
Urban exploration. Its trespassing but awesome fun.
/u/VargasIsMissing
Thats a lot more fun than Suburban exploration. I mean, it is kind of cool when you
first discover theres a whole third row in the back. But after exploring a few of them,
you realize that Chevrolet made them all pretty much identical.
419
Never one for confrontation,

I expounded vindication:
Whats a little exploration,
Frowned-on, though it be?
I could swear by godly graces:

Nothing in this world replaces
Freely probing urban spaces,
Surely you agree?
Oh, to spy the dusky dreaming

Motes of dust in swirling, streaming,
Shoots of sun! I simpered, beaming,
Shift and stirred by me!
So you see? I said and waited,

Explanation smoothly stated -
Sir, replied the cop, frustrated:
Out the SUV.
#630 Youre a pirate. What is the name of your ship ?

2015-04-18 18:11:16
/u/Faerelin
/u/GimliTheAsshole
One of Ours
Wait a minute. . . Wait a minute. . . .its One of Ours captain!!!!
Well, lets keep looking.
420
Avast, me lads! the crewman cried,

And sung of sunken graves -
His eyes were tossed and turned with tide,
And lost within the waves.
A ship! he called, and pointed port,

Where fluttered, flying free,
A pirates flag that flapped athwart
The spinning spiral sea.
Its One of Ours! he screamed with dread,

Till all his hope was gone. . .
Thank god for that! the captain said:
How splendid. Carry on.
#629 Reddit, what song isnt about what I think its

about?
2015-04-15 18:47:17
/u/kabukistar
And what is it actually about?

Edit: R.I.P. my inbox Thanks for the responses, everyone. I saw some interesting ones
here I didnt know :)
Edit2: In this thread.
/u/ouikipedia
Anaconda isnt about snakes.
/u/Draw4fun
I just racked my brain replaying Anaconda in my head for a good 2 minutes trying to
figure out how the fuck its not about snakes. Then realized this post is about songs. . .
Like that movie had some deep sub-plot I never caught. Fuck morning browsing.
/u/Lukezordz
This made me blow more air out from my nostrils than usual. Thanks!
421
I rubbed my tender, aching head,

And stared, bewildered, blind -
Its not about the snakes, it said,
And blew my fucking mind.
Perhaps, in fact, Id missed the theme,

And all the grit and grime
Were fabled myths within a dream,
Or metaphors for time -
The searching snake; the ragged knife

That sliced it from above -
Perhaps it meant the pain of life
And stark pursuit of love -
Perhaps, I said, it spoke of men

In symbols all along. . .
But then I read the post again,
And saw it meant the song.
#628 Men of Reddit, what makes a girlfriend cool?

2015-04-15 17:26:57
/u/cd3oh3
Guys whove dated a cool girl what made her cool?
/u/Wooden butt plug
Im so sick of this archetypal Nerdy Sweet Vidja Dream Girl rhetoric on reddit. I
want her to be just one of the bros. She has to love Vidja and share all of my same
interests. She should like eating steak and driving muscle cars. She should be funny, and
not up-tight, and laugh at fart jokes.
Well. . .
There are tons of those.They are called guys. You want a guy friend. The stock market for
girly-girls has plummeted because you neckbeards think its more endearing to nerd-fetish
than to be open to new things.
There are an endless amount of dierent types of people in this world. You will never
meet all of them, because there are just too many. I get it, your ideal hypothetical
girlfriend plays video games, thats really interesting, and neat, and fun. I play video
games too, maybe you could buy my fat, hairy, skyrim-loving ass dinner and we can talk
about leveling techniques in Oblivion until dawn. . . but wouldnt life be more interesting
if you wernt looking for a female version of yourself? Flowers get o on cross pollination,
biodiversity makes for a rich landscape, you shut-in narcissist. Your life, too, will become
422
richer if you leave your comfort zone.
So to answer your question, OP, my SO is really into gardening and bluegrass music and
hiking. All of those things are neat because any interest is as good as another, so long as
you do them together and enrich each others lives.
Edit: Dear mother of god, my inbox is filled with praise and death threats. Thanks for
the dialogue/Ill just go to hell. Either way, if we were all the same this website and world
would suck.
/u/TheDeadCruiser
underrated post. why would I want to date me, I hate me
Now listen, love - Id love to date,

But lets appraise the score;
Lets get a couple factors straight
Before proceeding more -
You stay up late to watch the stars,

And pride yourself on whim -
While drinking beer and talking cars,
Or riding cross the rim.
You smile to spy a mirthful meme;

A post on reddit pics -
Or spend your days and nights on Steam,
While watching Ghibli flicks.
You laugh at toilet-humour, crude

And rude as rude can be -
You love your dog, and love your food,
And love to see the sea.
She stared, amazed, then smiled to say:

Lets date! I do! Its true!
I shook my head and turned away,
And whispered: I do too.
423
#627 Have you ever left in the middle of a date? If so,
why?
2015-04-09 21:30:59
/u/razor-ramon
Some of these stories are insane! Thanks!
/u/Austin-tatious
She was from a nuclear family with lots of money. In itself, not a bad thing. However,
she proceeded to go on a rant about trashy people from divorced/remarried and single
parent families, and how those people would never amount to anything, that sort of thing.
She also mentioned how she could tell I was from a traditional family with wholesome
values, not some loser raised by a slutty single mother or influenced by a runaway, dead-
beat father (her words) because I was clearly raised right. At this point, I get up from
the table, track down the wait sta, and ask for separate checks. As she proceeds to call
me an asshole for not paying for her meal and acts confused about why, I tell her not to
contact me again, but that Ill be sure to pass on to my single mother that people are
noticing how well she raised me.
edit
So. . . I got gold. I dont know what it does or what Im supposed to do with it, but if
theres a way to pay it forward I guess thatll do nicely. Thanks, anonymous benefactor!
edit again So I got a second gold? Im grateful, dont get me wrong, but its not like I
really did anything. . .
Also Im sorry I cant respond to everyone! There are a lot of comments to which Id love
to respond, but, and I cant believe Im about to say this, other things take priority over
reddit. . . usually.
/u/TonyNevada1
Good for you man. Glad to read you made the right choice.
424
She stated, elated: How very refined

To meet with a lovely and like-minded mind!
The virtue of virtue, she whispered with glee -
Of class and condition, Im sure you agree.
Theres nothing as awful, Ive always avowed,

As children of severance, pointlessly proud!
Or all of the mothers who baulk at a bill,
While drinking and thinking of sinking a pill!
But were of a pedigree finer and true -

No debtors or leeches or loafers for you!
So- why are you leaving?! she pondered, amazed.
I answered: Perhaps its the way I was raised.
#626 Deaf people of Reddit, when and how did you find
out that people can hear you farting?
2015-04-08 20:51:27
/u/Zos Kia
/u/xterraguy
Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too.
/u/IranianGenius
An elderly couple were attending a church service. About halfway through, she leans over
and says, I just had a silent fart. What should I do? He replies, Put a new battery in
your hearing aid.
425
There they sat in silent motion,

Swaying softly like an ocean,
Rapt and lost in deep devotion,
Sacred, fair and free -
Whereupon, as hymns were chanted;

Mercy given; pardon granted;
Pious lessons prepped and planted;
Proered to their plea -
From the back erupt a thunder

Rolling over, sideways, under,
Till the mass, in woeful wonder,
Turned in time to see -
Smiling, shameless, Sunday-suited,

Sat a senior, pale, polluted:
Thank the lord that fart was muted!
So he spoke with glee.
#625 What life lesson you wished you had known sooner
or wished that someone had told you earlier in your life?
2015-04-05 19:18:21
/u/KiKenTai
/u/Professor Clayton
when i moved out of the house, my dad pulled me aside and said, son, either a
month from now or six months from now or whatever youre going to think its a
good idea to sell drugs. im here to tell you its never a good idea to sell drugs. if
you sell drugs, druggies will come to your house. those people are annoying as fuck.
its a lot more work than it sounds, and it isnt worth it. /u/twistedbeats
Never have sex with a girl that does not want it as bad as you do. If you are
with a girl that thinks sex is something she gives and you recieve, get away from
her.Sex should be mutually satifying and desireable. If she see it as a gift she has
to bestow upon you, she is not stable enough for you to bother with. Let her go.
/u/1angrydad
this awesome advice from /u/Anastik
Being good at something doesnt mean it has to be your career. /u/tiwuno
Lower your expectations and expect nothing of people. Youll be a lot happier that
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way. [deleted]
Dont stick your dick in crazy. [reddit in general]
That you can waste an awful lot of life waiting around for the cool part to start.
This isnt a book or a movie. If you have a roof, food and someone who loves you,
that IS the cool part. /u/Visionism
Take advantage of time with your grandparents, they wont be around forever.
/u/mmmjr16
Not everyone is a good person, and its better to let those people leave your life.
/u/ItalianManInDixiLand
The college doesnt care about your boss, your boss doesnt care about your mom,
your mom doesnt worry about your friends, your friends arent worried about your
grades. /u/HelpMeLoseMyFat
If it wont bother you in a month, dont let it bother you now /u/ sidnata
People are not against you, they are only for themselves /u/OttieandEddie
measure your front door before you buy furniture. . . /u/BurtonRider85
Ignore everyones gender, race, sexuality, job, etc. Ignore what they profess to
believe. Focus instead on how they treat others and that will tell you everything
about who they really are and what they actually believe. /u/omnithought
If you always seem to have drama in your life, you are probably the one causing the
drama. /u/HopeImNotAStalker
The world starts where your comfort zone ends. /u/Everyoneheresamoron
When writing an important email, enter the address in the to field after completing
the email, to prevent premature sending. [deleted]
If you need to make a decision flip a coin. Because in that moment the coin is in
the air youll realise what it really is you want. /u/StickDoctor
Life and people evolve and change. Sometimes, theres just some things that will
never be the same, no matter how badly we want them to be. Appreciate what
youve had, what your opportunities ahead may be, and ACCEPT that you may
never be there again. Do it gracefully if you can. /u/heartsnoble6
My father once told me, Never make fun of the way someone laughs or eats because
they wont want to do either around you. [deleted]
Nobody cares what you were thinking; they care what you did
/u/anotherpoweruser
Dont burn a bridge until youre sure youre never crossing it again.
/u/SourceCollector
If you are contantly having to fight then youre going the right direction.
/u/Advils Devocate
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.Which
road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I
dont know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesnt matter. Alice in
Wonderland /u/jpskim
This quote from Bob Ross.
If you know a girl online and for 2 years she comes up with multiple excuses as to
why her webcam and microphone wont work, and she has no phone. . . Its a dude.
/u/Pattoe89
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Dig the best ditches and your reward is a bigger shovel. /u/CowJam
If you EVER get caught with your eyes closed at your desk, immediately say
Amen. /u/mc2157
Just because shes hurting doesnt mean you can help her. /u/DreadfulRauw
>One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a
tree.Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go?
was his response. I dont know, Alice answered. Then, said the
cat, it doesnt matter. Alice in Wonderland
She came across a path that twinned

Where sat, content, a cat:
The choice is yours, it purred and grinned -
And what a choice, at that!
The left departs to what eect?

The right returns a mile.
But always all the ways connect,
If only for a while!
So which? it winked with dark delight,

While Alice shook her head:
If right is left, and left is right,
Then which is right? she said.
Whatever fate, the cat replied,

Or fortune might befall -
Unless you make a choice, it sighed,
Youll never move at all.
She stared ahead in thought and frowned,

Then at the ground below -
It wouldnt do to turn around. . .
So on she chose to go.
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#624 What have you been most tempted to do but never
gone through with?
2015-04-04 19:02:15
/u/Euphobos91
/u/JasonSteelflex
The guy that lives above me is a prick. I always think about slipping a frozen disk of piss
under his door at night
/u/jazzytrombone
Ah yes, the ever so genius Piss Puck.
/u/JasonSteelflex
The best part is that it can be upgraded if he doesnt get the message. A little asparagus
for dinner or some black ink in the puck can take it to a new level
/u/jontherealhero
Thats brilliant. But how do you get it in the door? Dont m{o}st doors have [a] weath-
ering strip?
[edit] {edit2}
/u/squidofhearts
Lots of apartment buildings dont do that for front doors, since they open to a hallway.
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The night was cold. The air was still,

And not a sound was heard -
No sighs or cries or creaks until
A shadow shift and stirred.
A figure stepped across the shade,

And crept the hollow hall -
As soundless as the moves it made,
In subtle sneakings small.
It stopped before a dusky door

And took, with silent bliss,
From out the clouded cloak it wore,
A frozen puck of piss.
It pushed the swiftly softened slice

Beneath the narrow cleft -
Then grinned with glee and hands of ice,
And whispered Prick and left.
#623 Late night store Clerks, what is the strangest things

thats happened on the job?
2015-04-03 17:46:08
/u/AllOfTheSoundAndFury
:edit: So many good stories, thanks everyone for sharing! My retail experiences are tame
comparatively.
/u/kane55
I worked at a small convenience store in the early 1990s. They had one of those fry delis
that had chicken, jojos, corndogs, burritos etc. This particular night I had run out of
burritos and chicken. I also shut the thing down and cleaned it all out about an hour
before closing.
About 5 minutes before I was closing up a guy walked in and asked for some burritos.
I told him I was out of them, and that I was just about to close and the fryer was shut
down. He walked around the store for a minute (I assumed he was looking for something
else to buy) and then he came up to the counter, pulled out a knife and told me if I didnt
cook him some burritos he was going to stab me.
I freaked out, but told him I had none to cook. I showed him the freezer and told him I
would happily cook anything he wanted from it, but he will see I was out of burritos. He
looked in it for a minute, turned to me and said, You really are out. I replied, Yeah.
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He then put the knife away and left the store.
Edits:
Just to clarify: A jojo is basically a deep fried potato wedge. They were very popular
where I grew up. I guess there are other names for them in other parts of the country,
but where I grew up we called them jojos and you ordered them by weight. For example
you would say, Give me a half pound of jojos.
Also, as far as I know the guy never got caught. I called the police and described the guy,
but never head from them again so I assume he got away. The Burrito Bandito could still
be roaming the streets.
And thanks for the gold kind Burrito loving soul!
Its ocial. My highest rated comment ever is about nearly being stabbed over a burrito.
/u/SnipeyMcSnipe
The man didnt love burritos as much as he hates people who lie about burritos
/u/Murda6
Hes been lied to before about burritos and he will be damned if he is lied to again.
/u/SnipeyMcSnipe
Turns out his dad left to get a burrito one day but never came back
Dear father,
Now my daughters born,

I thought I ought to say -
A word or two about the morn
You upped and walked away.
I still recall your simple smile -

The way you shook your head.
Im heading out for just a while
To fetch some food, you said.
I watched you leave to get your snack,

As any daughter would -
And waited. . .
But youre still not back.
I hope it tasted good.
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#622 Aliens have just arrived on earth. They are killing
every human being that cant impress them. Its your turn
in line, what do you do?
2015-04-03 16:33:51
/u/Gamblingmoose
Oh gracious monster overlords

With crazy light-up laser swords,
And shining ships of land and sea,
I ache to make a final plea!
Should you decide, as well you might,

To save this meagre soul tonight,
Ill pen the finest rhyme on Earth
To show the world your weight and worth!
Ill spin a song of love and grace

To compliment your master-race,
Or rhyme a line in thoughts divine -
If youll allow this life of mine?
You see, perhaps the thing you need

To spread your freaky foreign seed
Across this little world of blue
Is just the perfect word or two!
Shall we agree? I smiled and said.

It sighed aloud and shot me dead.
I crumpled, crumbled, out of time.
It muttered: what the fuck is rhyme?
432
#621 Happily divorced people of reddit, when did you
realize your marriage was over and it was time to file?
2015-03-29 16:47:14
/u/blue lotus
Edit: Holy crap. Front page. Thanks all!

Update: After reading every single comment, I was able to confront my husband about
feeling unsupported. The stories about those of you having become hurt, ill or hospitalized
hit home for me because it was during this type of period in my life that I felt he wasnt
there for me. The confrontation turned into a long conversation and he said he wanted to
be a better man, and asked if we could pray together tonight for a better future. Thank
you all for your candidness, it gave me the confidence to say this isnt working, and Im
scared for our future, which prompted a heart to heart I never expected.
TLDR: Your comments gave me the balls to express that shit needs to change because
the outlook for the future looked bleak. Husband apologized, let down his walls, asked
for forgiveness, and promised to become a better person.
/u/burntorangepeels
When I stopped being angry or hurt about angering and hurtful things. I realized I didnt
care anymore, and it was over.
She waited, frustrated, and screamed in despair:

Why cant it be dierent? Why cant it be fair?
I feel like its over; its passed in a blur -
Weve changed and were changing, I miss who we were.
You should have been better, she bitterly cried:

And we could have fixed it, if only we tried -
Im sorry I hurt you. I wasnt prepared.
I stared at her, hollow -
And wished that I cared.
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#620 You are instantly transported back into yourself on
the first day of high school, with all your current knowledge
and experiences. What do you do dierently?
2015-03-26 17:58:57
/u/Alexcbrown
/u/karliekisbae
I involve myself in every group and extra-curricular I can. I work out and try to become
as fit as possible. I choose dierent classes.
Most importantly, I study as hard as I can.
I wish I realized how little the opinions of others in high school really meant to me.
/u/DeeMI5I0
This is what I like about Reddit. When I was going into high school I saw a lot of these
threads and figured I might as well try out the advice. Now, well, now high school is
pretty awesome. So thanks - even if it was too late for you, you helped at least one kid
out.
Edit: You guys are some top-notch people
/u/elongated smiley
Yeah. . . um. . . about that. . .

You are instantly transported back into yourself on the day you became a broke 39-year-
old man, with all your current knowledge and experiences. What do you do dierently?
Its for a friend.
EDIT: I assume all the replies are from older guys that used to be broke. . . ?!
EDIT: Awww. . . !
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The portal colours fold and fade,

And shift in shining beams -
I stand within the summers shade
Of memories and dreams.
The air is cool. The sound, serene -

A silence I recall;
Observed by Storm and Wolverine
From posters on the wall.
A voice I loved and lost to fate

Comes floating through the door:
Come on! she calls, or youll be late!
Dont wait a minute more!
And so I softly smile, and then,

As stepping through the light,
I sigh and say: Theres time again. . .
But now, Ill do it right.
In truth, my friend, the past has passed -

Dont fret for what its not.
Just do your best to make it last,
And give it all youve got.
#619 You have to say one sentence to prove you are IN-
SANE. Any sane people will be killed. What do you say?
2015-03-25 15:42:32
/u/nobunaga 1568
Edit: Wow. RIP my inbox.
I broke open my Magic 8-Ball and drank the weird liquid inside, and now I know every-
thing.
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Through the cell in which Id woken,

Hopeless, helpless, bitter, broken,
Scraps of words and thoughts unspoken
Stirred, misunderstood:
How they questioned, queried, prying,

Till I softly whispered, crying,
All alone and silent-sighing. . .
Outlook not so good.

:(
#618 If you are on reddit right now and there is a young

child in the house with you: Ask that child What do you
think being a grown up is like? and post their age and
answer here.
2015-03-24 00:49:34
Uhhh. The same as now except there is no school and I own this house and youre dead.
My 7 year old daughter
Dont worry dear - Ill still be here,

I sighed and, smiling, said.
Her eyes were black.
She whispered back:
No mother. . . youll be dead.
Funny story about my daughter. . . When she was five she had this plastic, toy hunting
knife. I was taking a nap and my old roomie had been watching her. Roomie hadnt
seen her for a good ten minutes and went looking for her. Roomie found her in my room,
standing next to my bed, holding the knife over me and bringing it down in a repetitive
436
motion whispering, Stab Stab Stab Stab Stab Stab. . .
. . . be dead, I heard, with vision blurred,

Till all was dark and drab.
The colours ran -
The end began.
She whispered: stab, stab, stab. . .
#617 If you are on reddit right now and there is a young

child in the house with you: Ask that child What do you
think being a grown up is like? and post their age and
answer here.
2015-03-24 00:01:59
Uhhh. The same as now except there is no school and I own this house and youre dead.
My 7 year old daughter
Dont worry dear - Ill still be here,

I sighed and, smiling, said.
Her eyes were black.
She whispered back:
No mother. . . youll be dead.
#616 What experience made you grow the fuck up?

2015-03-21 22:09:21
/u/starstut
437
/u/Made you read penis
My little sister was raped. Changed my universe.
/u/swagzfordayz
Found out my little brother was molested frequently by a long time family friend. It sure
as hell changes the way you look at and trust people.
I wish that I could write a rhyme

In couplets, pure and plain -
A verse to turn the hands of time,
And take away the pain;
Id pen a line to live and last,

And hold, for what its worth -
Or try to softly spin the past,
If words could change the earth.
But words are quick, and quickly end,

And so Ill simply say -
Im sorry for the hurt, my friend,
And innocence astray.
This world is often cruel and wrong,

But still, I swear above -
If folks like you are brave and strong,
Theres always hope - and love.
#615 What few words could piss o most Americans?

2015-03-21 16:05:15
/u/rdiehl47
/u/roguecopter
Comcast now nations only broadband provider
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Weak of heart and hopeless, quaking,

Soundless in the silent, shaking,
Dead, destroyed, and empty station,
There I lie in desolation -
Homeless, haunted, ailing, aching;
My foreordination.
Whispered winds and distant thunder,

Tumble over, sideways, under,
As some half-remembered feeling
Stirs a fallen thought, revealing
Buried former worlds of wonder -
Dreams to leave me reeling.
I remember, on that morning,

Waking while the word was dawning,
Hoping, hushed, that I was dreaming,
As the headlines glittered, gleaming:
Comcast: Sole Provider Warning.
. . . I remember screaming.
#614 What few words could piss o most Americans?

2015-03-21 15:50:10
/u/rdiehl47
/u/ The Red Viper
Jet fuel cant melt steel beams.

Edit: My god what have I done?
/u/Ich Putz Hier Nur
If 9/11 was an inside job, then why did the planes come from outside the building?
439
Though phoney folks will boldly blame,

Or pompous, proudly preach -
I know that all deserve the claim
To democratic speech.
. . . but if, perhaps, theyre faced with fact,

And cling to feeble dreams -
I kinda hope they get attacked
By melted fucking beams.
#613 Your top comment is first thing you say in a job

interview, how does it go?
2015-03-18 16:37:31
/u/ctukle
EDIT: Frontpage! thanks for all the replies!
/u/Mall700
Me :What doesnt kill you makes you stronger - Adolf Hilter

Interviewer: I really dont think he said that.
Me: He totally did.
Interviewer: Didnt you just hear that from that one Kelly Clarkson song.
Me: That song is literally Hitler.
Interviewer: Fair enough, youre hired.
She waited in silence and stared at the floor -

Hed angrily sighed as he walked through the door.
It didnt go well then? shed wistfully said.
It didnt, hed answered, and shaken his head.
What was it? she spoke, with a softhearted smile:

Youve tons of experience, training, and style!
Youre perfect, my darling - the finest of men!
He answered. . . I quoted the Fhrer again.
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#612 Asian/African redditors, what is the weirdest part
of Western culture?
2015-03-15 19:33:51
/u/chickenoflight
/u/7uc143r
Opening gifts in front of other people. Just feels awkward and uncomfortable for me.
Edit: Yes Im Asian but born and raised in North America. Its not so much just the
discomfort of having to potentially pretend to love a gift, theres also the awkwardness of
having your gift compared to others.
I was at a baby shower a few years ago. One guest was a struggling university student
with no income and gave a very nice homemade pair of booties. Another guest gave a
big gift bag full of designer baby clothing. Im sure the mother-to-be appreciated both,
but the less auent guest looked embarrassed and uncomfortable. I would never want
my guest to feel that way.
/u/Justtryme90
Its not too comfortable for me either and Im american.
There they sit with empty staring

Concentration; hushed and glaring
Glazed relations, overbearing,
Watching, waiting, when. . .
Open mine, I hear, dumbfounded,

Caught and captured, seized, surrounded;
Smiling sweetly (haunted, hounded);
Package passed, and then. . .
Silence settles, softly skating

Round the crowded room, creating
Expectation; wonder, waiting. . .
Fucking socks again.
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#611 Terry Pratchett Has Died [MegaThread]
2015-03-12 18:01:37
/u/boib
Please post your comments concerning Terry Pratchett in this thread.

http://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-31858156
A poem by /u/Poem for your sprog

The sun goes down upon the Ankh,
And slowly, softly fades -
Across the Drum; the Royal Bank;
The River-Gate; the Shades.
A stony circles closed to elves;
And here, where lines are blurred,
Between the stacks of books on shelves,
A quiet Ook is heard.
A copper steps the city-street
On paths hes often passed;
The final march; the final beat;
The time to rest at last.
He gives his badge a final shine,
And sadly shakes his head -
While Granny lies beneath a sign
That says: I atent dead.
The Luggage shifts in sleep and dreams;
Its now. The times at hand.
For where its always night, it seems,
A timer clears of sand.
And so it is that Death arrives,
When all the time has gone. . .
But dreams endure, and hope survives,
And Discworld carries on.
/u/syanda
Death isnt cruel merely terribly, terribly good at his job.

RIP, Sir Terry Pratchett.
/u/MysteriousShoe
Death was my favourite character in the disc world, Its not hard to imagine him and Sir
Pratchett sitting in his cottage discussing life.
442
/u/Lampmonster1
Oh hell, I was right.

YES
The sun goes down upon the Ankh,

And slowly, softly fades -
Across the Drum; the Royal Bank;
The River-Gate; the Shades.
A stony circles closed to elves;

And here, where lines are blurred,
Between the stacks of books on shelves,
A quiet Ook is heard.
A copper steps the city-street

On paths hes often passed;
The final march; the final beat;
The time to rest at last.
He gives his badge a final shine,

And sadly shakes his head -
While Granny lies beneath a sign
That says: I atent dead.
The Luggage shifts in sleep and dreams;

Its now. The times at hand.
For where its always night, it seems,
A timer clears of sand.
And so it is that Death arrives,

When all the time has gone. . .
But dreams endure, and hope survives,
And Discworld carries on.
#610 What is the most inappropriate question youve

been asked at a job interview?
2015-03-12 16:30:01
/u/faux pseudo
Marking NSFW just in case.
443
/u/funsizedsamurai
I was told once that I looked about birthing age and asked when I was going to start
having children. I just got up, said thank you for your time and walked out.
EDIT: It wasnt so much oensive as it is illegal in my province to ask about family, sexual
orientation, religion, etc. for purposes of discrimination and it made me not suddenly want
to work with someone who would ask that in a professional setting. I would have walked
out if he asked if I was married or what church I went to. If you break a well know law
in the interview, what type of employer would you be?
/u/GogglesPisano
Years ago, my wife was at a start-of-year back to school night at the school where she
taught sixth grade, and at the time she was about five months pregnant.
In reference to my wife, one of the mothers angrily told the principal, She shouldnt be
allowed to work here if shes pregnant - shes just going to go on maternity leave anyway.
To his credit, the principal replied, Are you suggesting that our teachers should not be
allowed to have children?, and the idiot backed down.
/u/The Pauly
great response from the principal.
444
The principal proered: Then sign on the line -

Your ethos is perfect; your training, divine!
Youll fit like a glove with our colleges view -
But first, weve a question; a query or two!
We couldnt help notice, our newest recruit -

Youre ripe as a fruit-bowl thats waiting for fruit!
Youre perfectly bolstered for birthing, and so,
Were naturally, graciously, needing to know:
Do you want a kiddy?

An infant?
A boy?
The tiniest tot, or a bundle of joy?
A bald little baby?
A youngster?
A youth?
A wee little nipper to nurture, in truth?
You see - if you dont, then its yours right away!

Its simple with baby ambitions at bay!
All right thenhe nodded. How splendid. Sublime.
I called from the corridor: thanks for your time!
#609 What major events do you think will take place in

the next 50 years?
2015-03-10 15:39:25
/u/SpaceBunny91
/u/GoldenScarab569
Ill finally get a girlfriend.
/u/Dante 2
Dont be silly.
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Perhaps, at last, when time has passed,

And softly slipped away -
When years have spun and skipped and run,
As seasons, shifting, may -
Perhaps, when days have burned a blaze

Of unrequited love -
Or etched their scars across the stars
In secret shapes above -
Perhaps Ill see the one for me -

The perfect love to share.
A life to find a kindred mind. . .
Is so un-fucking-fair.
#608 What is a personal flaw that you can openly admit?

2015-03-08 16:15:26
/u/TheDumbAsian1
Wow sprog commented on my post I feel honoured.
/u/koproller
I cant get over people.

Friends or relationships, if you leave my life, I will miss you something fierce.
446
When the suns set to set in a sweet seasons sky;

When the stars shimmer down, and the moons passing by;
When a summer-wind skips; when it blows in the trees
Ill remember your touch by the feel of the breeze.
When the clouds disappear, like it was here before;

When the white-breakers break, and the tide meets the shore;
When the rain tumbles down onto still, silver lakes
Ill remember your smile in the ripples it makes.
When the stars fade to dawn; when the dawn turns to day;
When the summer-wind carries the rainclouds away;
When the tide travels in, and the sunlight has set
I will miss you forever, and never forget.
#607 What would happen if we no longer segregated our

public bathrooms by gender?
2015-03-05 15:16:21
/u/youngbutsmart
Holy hell this this exploded thanks for everyone who took the time to comment
/u/giveitago
Wed come to realize how truly nasty some women really are.
/u/strongbowpoop
Second this. Female toilets are the most disgusting thing Ive ever seen.
In the blokes toilet, typically youll see a bit of piss in the floor, maybe a coke wrap in
the urinal, some chewing gum. The ladies toilet? Jam rags all over the place, makeup,
toilet paper EVERYWHERE and poo. So much poo.
One time we had a blocked toilet and had to get maintenance in to fix it. He had to
remove the toilet from the main waste to get to the blockage. Mother fucker found a
fetus.
Edit: holy fucking shit?! Gold and my karma tripled for this? You lot are sick
To answer some questions that keep coming up. . . a jam rag is a sanitary towel/tampon
and a coke wrap is a small paper envelope for cocaine
447
/u/cocoa thundabean
Well that ending certainly came out of left fucking field.

Obligatory edit: Thanks, glorious faceless benefactor!
Seeking dark delights diverting,

Unconcerned by disconcerting
Yarns of bathroom-bottom-squirting,
Here I looked in luck:
So I read and laughed, disgusted;

Overjoyed for maladjusted
Ghastly, grim and gruesome, crusted
Toilets blocked and stuck!
Ha! I laughed aloud, elated -

Maintenance were called, it stated.
Man, I wonder what awaited!
. . . Jesus, what the fuck ?!
#606 What did you do wrong the first time you had sex?
2015-03-01 18:12:06
/u/Noah 33
This question has probably bee n asked before but people come and go.
Give me your worst!
/u/NYComrade
Her: Is it in?
Me: Im done.
448
I still recall her touch in truth -

Her eager, questing kiss;
Our clumsy escapade of youth -
Our adolescent bliss.
Our ragged breaths were wrought in rhyme;

Our passions, heaven-sent -
And in that ageless, perfect time,
Forever came and went.
I felt the earth and stars collide

Betwixt our burning skin -
And as I lay, relaxed and sighed,
She whispered. . . is it in?
#605 Whats a problem that people would face in the

post-apocalypse that most fictional works dont address?
2015-02-28 18:17:54
/u/VaultBoy9
/u/jubileo5
Im a type-1 diabetic.
Im fucked.
/u/liarandathief
Yeah. Anyone whos dependent on any kind of medication for survival is fucked.
449
I sighed aloud and shook the gun -

The empty rifle, cocked.
The time had come; my days were done;
The exit barred and blocked.
It stood in front and swayed in place

With moans and eerie sighs;
With decomposing fetid face,
And soulless bloodshot eyes.
The creature met my gaze and cried -

A shriek of monstrous glee.
You think youve got it hard? I sighed -
Well not as hard as me!
My health already sucked enough

Without the walking dead!
It kindly muttered: man, thats rough.
Then ate my fucking head.
#604 Whats the best response when someone says Fuck

you?
2015-02-24 18:37:44
/u/arrfunny
/u/VargasIsMissing
You suck your moms dick with that mouth?
450
As his pompous air deflated

In the pause my quip created,
My rejoinder resonated
Round the school and spread.
All the other kids surrounding,

Laughed to hear my swift, astounding,
Cunning quick retort, compounding
All his shame and dread.
So, I spoke, with smug demeanour,

Grinned and whispered, crueller, keener:
Do you kiss your mothers wiener?
. . . yes, he sadly said.
#603 Where would be the worst place to all of a sudden

go blind?
2015-02-22 18:49:31
/u/Wxlson
EDIT: Front page, thanks guys!
/u/irish mutt
While flying your pregnant wife to the hospital in your helicopter filled with nerve gas
canisters you meant to bring to the dump.
Youre beautiful, darling, I whispered with tact -

Her suitcase was readied and perfectly packed -
She oered a smile and a shivering laugh:
Youre sure that youve plotted the optimum path?
Of course! I exclaimed, with a confident grin:
Just hop in the chopper and then well begin!
Its fruitless to panic, to fuss or to fret -
Im here for you sweetest, so never forget!
She looked at the cargo and muttered with doubt:
You said that youd taken the canisters out!
Oh darling, dont worry, theres no need to fear!
I mean. . . whats the worst that could happen, my dear?
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/u/jamzedodger
How long does it take you to come up with these?

Im somewhat bemused; enlighten me, please.
Though rather dependent on topic and time -

On mood and on metre; on rhythm and rhyme -
A normal reply on a thread of a night
Takes minutes to plan, and a moment to write!
If funny or foolish; if silly or sweet -

Then these are the quickest there are to complete.
If sad or if serious, bitter, or blue -
Id rather I paused for a moment or two.
A song for a sadness? An ode for an ex?

The choices are harder; the challenge, complex.
What word do you favour? What concept alone
Can resonate right to the reader unknown?
And so Ill repeat for a second-rate end -

The time is dependent on everything, friend.
But still - till the line at the end from the start. . .
I write them with joy, and with thanks in my heart.
#602 Where would be the worst place to all of a sudden

go blind?
2015-02-22 16:54:45
/u/Wxlson
EDIT: Front page, thanks guys!
/u/irish mutt
While flying your pregnant wife to the hospital in your helicopter filled with nerve gas
canisters you meant to bring to the dump.
452
Youre beautiful, darling, I whispered with tact -

Her suitcase was readied and perfectly packed -
She oered a smile and a shivering laugh:
Youre sure that youve plotted the optimum path?
Of course! I exclaimed, with a confident grin:

Just hop in the chopper and then well begin!
Its fruitless to panic, to fuss or to fret -
Im here for you sweetest, so never forget!
She looked at the cargo and muttered with doubt:

You said that youd taken the canisters out!
Oh darling, dont worry, theres no need to fear!
I mean. . . whats the worst that could happen, my dear?
#601 What is a hygiene tip every person should know

that may not be common knowledge?
2015-02-19 17:47:59
/u/(deleted user)
/u/MinecraftHardon
Edit: the bidet I have is an Astor CB-1000. You can find them on Amazon, but I can
link it on here.
Edit edit: Im surprised nobodys mentioned baby wipes yet. /s
Ive been living dat bidet life for about 6 months and its the best. Someone on Reddit
equated it to something along the lines of, if you got shit on your face would you just
wipe it o with a paper towel and be done? Why treat your butt like that?
I bought a $30 unit from Amazon and it took like 20 minutes to install. You know those
peanut butter shits that takes a quarter of a roll to take care of? 10 seconds of spray will
clean that and just wipe dry.
I love having confidence that my butt hole is always presentable and clean, and you can
too!
A few issues Ive had are,
1. If I absent mindedly wipe before I spray, game over. It works best when all your
poo is collected on the hole, smear it and youll need to shower to get it o.
2. DO NOT FART WHILE SPRAYING! A lot of people are concerned water

will shoot up their ass if they use a bidet. It wont under normal use, but if you
open your bhole while youre spraying it will go in and feel like ice diarrhea. It
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doesnt hurt in the sense of pressure, it feels like you suddenly have the worst trots
of your life until the water is out.
3. My fellow dude friends wont use one. Idk if my buddy thinks hell spray himself
and realize he likes it and start hosting a show on HGTV or what, but he would
rather have a dirty hole than attempt to be comfortable with his sexuality.
/u/RoboNinjaPirate
> ice diarrhea

Worst rapper name ever.
>I love having confidence that my butt hole is always presentable and clean,
and you can too!
Friends and neighbours - sons and daughters -

Shout salut to soapy waters!
Bid a fond farewell to crusty
Paper towels, dry and dusty!
Stand in awe and watch with wonder

While the water whooshes under,
All around, and over, steaming
Through your sweet salvation, gleaming!
Soon youll see theres nothing better,

Wiping wise, and washing wetter!
So, so long to heinies heinous!
Love your neat and tidy anus!
#600 If objects yelled its name when you used it, which
object would be the most annoying?
2015-02-17 20:00:33
/u/Techdude000
/u/CaususLuciferi
Imagine a girl walks by and you can faintly hear TAMPON TAMPON TAMPON
getting louder as she nears and then gently fading away as she leaves.
Edit: Oh shit, my first ever gold! Thank you kind stranger!
454
My darling love? I asked in fear,

With dicey plans designed;
Id like to talk a moment, dear -
Unless of course you mind?
She pressed the pause, then looked away

And slowly turned her head.
Of course, my sweet, I heard her say:
What is it, dear? she said.
I cleared my throat and stared above,

Then spoke with fretful doubt:
Its just. . . well, its your tampon, love.
Youre drowning Oprah out.
#599 Suicide hotline operators: whats the call that keeps

you up at night? Also have you ever met anyone you saved?
2015-02-15 22:11:53
/u/nummnutz
/u/zero3617
1-800-273-TALK Nation Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If youre thinking about suicide, PLEASE try and call this number first. There are people
who care out there, and will listen to you if you need it.
If youre a new student in college, university, high school, whatever, know that there are
counseling services on campus for you if you need it. These people do this work to try
and help others. Dont be afraid to reach out.
Hey, a question I can answer.

Ive got a few things that really stuck with me, but I wont be as detailed for confiden-
tialitys sake.
-Had one where a suicidal person sounded just like a high school friend, and the call
dropped out.
-Had a person call to say they tried to kill themselves the previous night, and needed to
say something to someone.
-Person calls in during a hallucinogenic episode of some kind, described some of the most
disturbing shit Ive heard.
-Little kid called about their daddy hitting mommy the previous night.
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-Guy with gun im room while on the call, going through MAJOR upheaval in life, des-
perate to not hurt, and hung up after he vented for 10 minutes. (This one really fucked
with me.)
-Grandpa calls, says daughter died of overdose. Says he and grandma have kids, havent
told them what happened yet, because he doesnt know how. (I went home and bawled
for the rest of the day.)
-Caller who became hysterical while calling in, on a payphone. Police respond, hangs up.
(The poor volunteer who got this one really needed some comort after.)
-Not a call, but had someone try and beat down the door to our call center while I was
the only one on shift at the time, and on a call.
Never met anyone I talked to, as far as I know. We try to keep anonymity for the respect
of the caller and for our safety.
I love talking about this stu, so Id gladly answer any questions there may be. (Within
confidentiality.)
Edit: Quite a few questions, already. Ill answer everything as best and quickly as I can,
and apologize for those I dont respond to.
I also accept the occasional PM in times of need.
Edit 2: Im enjoying answering what I can. I feel like this is a fantastic dialogue were all
having, and it needs to happen more.
Edit 3: So its been brought to my attention that some of what I have said may add to
the fear or apprehension of calling one of these lines. I would say that everything Ive said
Ive comes from a place a love, and i say all this because there are really loving people
who want to be there for you in some way.
Calling into one of these centers is a true act of bravery, and it shows much strength.
For all of those who have called places like this, you are all so powerful and brave.
For those that havent called, or are too scared, I would say that there isnt any obligation
on your part. Well all be here for you.
Edit 4: Jesus-God, this blew up. Im editing a bit to make things more anonymous, since
its been pointed out how much attention this is getting.
Also, some kind person popped my gold cherry, so thank you! I would say, if you want
to gild, I would rather you direct your money to a organization in your local area.
Ill keep trying to reply, but this is getting nuts. (In a good way.)
/u/Glasshunter
First o, thank you for doing this. It really does make a dierence. But could you tell
me more about the call with the gun? It sounds terrifying.
/u/zero3617
That guy had a lot of change going on in his life, the kind that would make someone
truly question whether or not life was worth living. In my heart, I wouldnt have blamed
him for killing himself. I think thus was his honest, last ditch eort to hear something he
needed to or to find help. I could tell he needed to let his emotions out, and that he just
hurt worse as he did, which is why I think he hung up so abruptly.
In these situations, we try and play detective, a little. We try and get clues to the general
area where they are in case EMS has to be called. In this case, however, I didnt get
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anything that couldve been used.
I saw it before me in shadows of doubt -

My means to salvation: my only way out.
It sat there in silence, and captured me, caught -
Immune to my heartache, and deaf to my thought:
I dont want a future, I solemnly swore,

Of sadness and silence and loss anymore.
I dont want a witness to witness goodbye -
I just wanted someone to care when I cry.
I looked at it, waiting, and muttered a vow:

Whatever. Lets do it. Its never or now.
Im ending it here, of an evening, alone.
I reached out before me. . . and picked up the phone.
#598 Whats the sexiest moment youve seen by accident?

2015-02-14 18:51:14
/u/no1on
/u/atmoney30
I was 16, and at my friends lake house. He had two incredibly hot sisters, tall, tan, and
blonde. Even better, they brought friends. My friend and I had a room upstairs while
all the girls were downstairs. In the middle of the night I wanted some water, so I went
downstairs. Their door was cracked open as I passed so I looked inside, being the nosy
teenager I was. I saw all four girls naked, scissoring eachother and I made this all up Im
so lonely fuck valentines day
/u/Stolasss
Goddammit
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Scrolling through a thread, delighted,

Picking posts to read, excited,
There a comment, uninvited,
Bared the special signs:
Sexy tale of sweet-devising;

Sordid spicy spiel surprising;
Saucy scandal slowly rising
Through its lewd designs -
Yes! I thought with passion peaking;

Just precisely what Im seeking!
Moments later, sadly speaking:
. . . fucking Valentines.
#597 Whats the sexiest moment youve seen by accident?

2015-02-14 18:16:40
/u/no1on
/u/ Shawzuu
When a cute nurse accidently drops something, picks it up. . . and bam! Thong.
/u/reybrujo47
But the ratio of non-cute nurses to cute nurses is at least 20:1
/u/ Shawzuu
Well thats why you accidentally drop something in front of a cute nurse for her to be
nice and pick up. You play with the better odds that way
/u/Rangerguy93
Nice try, The Todd
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Oh nurse? came a call from the lobby within -

Weve something in common, he said with a grin.
She saw him behind, and she heard with dismay:
Im nursing a semi, so what do you say?
You fancy a man in the scanner? he said.

Well shake o your scrubs in a hospital bed!
An x-rated x-ray? A study or two?
Im in for an op, but Id swap it for you!
If youve got the medical training and tricks,

Ive gynecological urges to fix!
He oered his sleaziest chuckle again. . .
She gave him a rectal exam with her pen.
#596 If reddit was used by children ages 0-7, what would

the most popular TIL, AMA, and ELI5s be?
2015-02-13 23:41:43
/u/Tight b-hole69
So excited to wake up and see all of these great responses! Also my Reddit gold virginity
has finally been taken, thank you!
/u/ManWithAPIan
AMA Request: Santa Claus
459
Its here! she cried: todays the day

For questions fair and fine!
Its time for Santas AMA -
I hope he answers mine!
Ill ask, she laughed and clapped her hands,

Who makes the games and toys -
Or how he flies to distant lands
With gifts for girls and boys!
The moment came. She closed the door,

Relaxed, and clicked the thread.
An hour passed - an hour more. . .
He didnt show, she said.

:(
#595 What makes you feel both happy and sad at the
same time?
2015-02-11 17:19:06
/u/hdak2323
/u/mattythedog
When my girlfriend says you have the biggest dick out of all your friends
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There we lay in sunlight, shaded,

Carnal pleasures serenaded -
Passions petered, fervour faded;
Naked, head to toe.
Oh, she whispered, youve a treasure -

Not a single soul could measure,
Meet or outperform the pleasure
Waiting just below!
So it was she muttered, staring:

Youve the biggest, boldest bearing -
All your friends are small, comparing.
Sweet, I said. . . wait, no.
#594 Whats your crazy theory that you have no way of

proving?
2015-02-10 23:51:32
/u/Dr Powerpoop
/u/SpeedyVT
Atoms are just tiny solar systems. :)
461
There exists a world of wonder,

All around and over, under -
By the empty space in places;
In the place between the spaces. . .
Fragments freely floating, fading,

Falling, intertwined and braiding,
Twist in silence, silent-spinning,
Ever-ending, just beginning. . .
Shifting shapes and shadows, turning,

Turn beside a blazing, burning,
Solar-centre, world-creating. . .
All inside an atom, waiting.
#593 What is the largest group of people you have been

naked in front of ? How did you find yourself in that situa-
tion?
2015-02-03 19:16:49
/u/Thai-ed Down
/u/paradiso211
I streaked a football game in H.S. with about 1500 people there. My friends and i all
did it at various games throughout our senior year. It culminated with my friend getting
caught and threatened with felony indecent exposure, having to register as sex oender
(kids at the game or something) if he didnt rat on all of us. Long story short, he didnt
rat. no charges filed. made the school and local paper.
Edit: thanks for the karma.. And yes he is a good man, stayed true to his friends in the
face of adversity. And were still good friends almost 15 years later.
edit#2: I can not remember why they decided to not charge him. he was stripped (pun
intended) of his prom and graduation priviledges, yet that pales in comparison to being
a sex oender. also corrected some typos.
Final edit: This is awesome! who would have thought it would blow up like this. Ive
never had a top comment, so much pressure. I feel like i owe you guys a for all these
internet points. This was a youthful prank with no criminal intent. I am thankful it was
at a time when this sort of thing was laughed o. the world has changed in the 13 years
since. In responds to some of the question: 1. I went to a school in cailfornia near the
beach. 2. Yes we thanked our friend for not giving us up, though we gave him crap for
462
not being fast enough to get away. 3. Not a lawyer but i think the sex oender/ felony
come from the amount of people crowd and also that there were kids present. 4. sorry to
those whos friends werent so lucky, there are plenty of those who deserve sex oender
status but not for somethin like this. 5. thanks again!
/u/Kingful
What a bro
/u/MisterSirRiley
10/10 would bro again
Now listen, kid: quit playing games,

And save your careless youth -
You know the facts - we want the names;
Its time to tell the truth.
He stared behind the pointed light -

A shadow through the gloom.
His cigarette was blazing bright
Inside the station-room.
A second sighed and shook his head:

Hell never break, you know.
Ive met his kind before, he said. . .
Were dealing with a bro.
#592 What was the most hurtful thing that anyone has
ever said to you?
2015-02-02 18:53:56
/u/I Will Try More
/u/jasche
after my dad passed away, I was going through his belongings. one of his journal entries
was simply I am disappointed in my son. It was written 8 years before he passed away.
no context.
nothing has been more hurtful since or before.
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obligatory edit, I posted this and went to sleep; explosion. This is my only post that has
been upvoted more than 10 times and I have been here 6 years. Thanks for the gold, look
at this shiny piece of metal father, are you still disappointed ? also I was named in the
diary.
/u/Woman-Am-I
Most stu people write in a journal is just rubbish that they are feeling at that time.
Maybe you did something to piss him o that day and he was over it the very next.
Im sure it did hurt to read that but try not to hold onto it. Everyone has those days
where EVERYONE is a disappointment to them. Im sure there were days that he was
a disappointment to you as well but you got over it and let it go. Probably the same for
him.
/u/Dynamaxion
Indeed. One of the most interesting parts of reading old journal entries is realizing how
temporary your emotions are, even though you believe in them ever so strongly at the
time.
Dear journal, Im giddy and dizzy with glee!

Im blessed, and its blissful! As best as can be!
You see, after school, when the hour-bell rung,
A passion was fashioned - a love song was sung!
This morning (no warning), it happened at last!

By chance and by fortune, he glanced as I passed!
And there, as the wind made a soft suitors sigh,
Our hearts beat the start of a loves lullaby!
I love him, dear journal - I love him as far

As the moon up above, or the tiniest star!
I love him for always - and all ways, I vow!
I love him forever and ever. . . for now.
#591 Whats the biggest red flag youve ever ignored?

2015-01-30 00:39:31
/u/wrestles bears
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/u/DecimusRex
I met a beautiful girl at the bar, she started talking about how much she loves babys,
about how adorable I must have been as a baby. I brushed it o as weird but thats all.
Later that night we were walking to her house and alll the while she was still ranting
about me being adorable when I was younger. This was my second red flag and I ignored
it. As we got to her house I stumbled into her living room on my way to the washroom
and tripped over a giant baby rattle. Spread throughout the living room were other giant
items, milk bottle, pacifier, etc. I had this one final chance and I brushed it o as a wierd
collection. Only as I left the washroom and was confronted by the beautiful girl wearing
a full body leather version of a 1950s house wife outfit and saying does the big boy need
a spanking did I realize the mistake I had just made.
/u/BlackCaaaaat
Did you still stick your dick in that crazy?
/u/DecimusRex
Yes, yes I did. Worth it.
/u/whatamiafraidof
You did not disappoint us. Like im literally happy for you right now. Thank you for
that.
She lay in the moonlight, with spun-silver hair;

Her beauty was boundless, her countenance fair;
Her lips were the colour of roses, it seemed. . .
I stood in my diaper and watched as she dreamed.
Does baby need changing? shed said with a sigh,

Then broken her crib with a thrust and a cry.
Shed shaken her rattle (and then shaken mine) -
That woman was crazy. . . but damn, she was fine.
#590 What is the worst thing to wake up to?

2015-01-29 17:49:09
/u/bruscemidrangus
465
/u/HitlerLovesJew
Alone.
Dear world - you keep your fancy cars,

And houses by the shore;
Your rocket ships to sail the stars;
Your treasure chests and more -
You keep your custom private-jet,

And boat with shining bow -
Your live-in maid to wipe the sweat
From o your botoxed brow -
Yeah you can have your island bay,

And jewel-encrusted throne -
But world, dont let me wake one day
And find myself alone.
#589 What can nobody look sexy while doing?

2015-01-27 16:57:32
/u/Transcendentist
Edit: Holy hell. . . Thats a ton of fucking responses. . .
/u/JustAGirl96
Taking a shit.
EDIT: TIL that there are some who find shitting sexy
/u/workneeddoing
Wiping after a shit.
/u/cutti
Looking at the toilet paper after wiping after taking a shit.
/u/kikat314
Licking toilet paper after looking at toilet paper after wiping after taking a shit.
466
/u/TheUltimateShitlord
Well Ive got a boner.
I dont care for dapper-dressing,

Narcissistic, self-obsessing;
Messy partners find me mellow -
I wont mind a shabby fellow.
I could share a room with thirty

Filthy vagrants, dank and dirty -
Such denotes my inclination -
Caring naught for sanitation.
Crusty, crummy, sloppy, slimy,

Dusty, sullied, greasy, grimy,
Grubby-drifters, dumpster-browsing -
I still find their ilk arousing.
But, if I should see, one morning,

Rising from my sleep and yawning,
Someone licking shit unsightly,
Then my lust would lessen. . . slightly.
#588 How do YOU make money on the side?

2015-01-26 18:09:09
/u/funnypumpkin
How do you make that extra bit of money to help with the bills?
Be it online, helping friends/family or selling things.
Edit: Wow thank you ever so much for the gold and also for all the replies, its going to
take me a while to read through them all!
/u/CarbineFox
You know those Keep Calm and posters that Reddit hates? Yeah I make/design
and sell those. My last 2 vacations were funded by these. Etsy is fantastic.
/u/HavoKDarK
punches CarbineFox in the mouth
467
/u/CarbineFox
Happens all the time.
/u/pickneters
Keep
Calm
Punch
CarbineFox
/u/CarbineFox
Im going to make this for you when I get home.

EDIT: OP delivers! Heres 2: The silly one and The more traditional one Both featured
in a lovely downvote Periwinkle.
In the moonlight, midnight-dreary,

Thoughts escaping, vision bleary,
Sits a man who stands and, weary,
Laughs, and thereupon:
There he stays to think, creating;

By the silent darkness, waiting,
Scratching slogans, annotating -
Saner senses gone.
Keep, he speaks, and waking-dreaming,

Calm, he says, psychotic-seeming,
And, he screeches, shrieking, screaming,
Whispers. . . carry on.
#587 What is it that YOU just cant get enough of ?

2015-01-24 17:30:31
/u/ferry888
This is freaking awesome reading your responses!
/u/PM ME UR KNEE
Sleep.
468
/u/straydog1980
I dont know where all the time goes. Im just perpetually tired now.
/u/Spambop
When I was still living with my dad I remarked that I was tired, he laughed and said to
me, son, Ive been tired since I was 25.
Edit: My dad was not 25 when I was born, although you are all hilarious geniuses. Well
done.
/u/BirchBlack
Thats just depressing.
In youth, the time for bed was tough;

I couldnt stand to wait -
When soon was never soon enough,
And later far too late.
The summers stretched an age ahead.

An hour seemed a day.
Be patient, child, my father said,
Dont wish your life away.
And so the time would shue on,

With every moment spent -
But that was then, and now its gone,
I dont know where it went.
#586 What product would 4 out of 5 redditors recom-

mend?
2015-01-22 15:51:03
/u/fezbeast
/u/Link-to-the-Pastiche
Reddit. The 5th Redditor will just bitch about people reposting and something about
neck-beards.
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The most stupendous site alive

Across the web, my friend! -
We asked, and four of every five
Would always recommend!
They loved the subs to change and choose!

They loved the posts and threads!
Our pleasant periwinkle blues,
And awesome orange-reds!
So join the four and share a smile -

Youll love the mirth and myth!*
And
. . . unless you hang around a while, find yourself the fifth*.
#585 What is one secret your parents can never know?

2015-01-20 16:50:35
/u/royaldecree
What could happen if they did?

Edit: loving all these stories!. Keeping me busy at work lol!
/u/MartyInDFW
Santa is REAL.
Nobody tell them please. It would break their hearts and some day theyll figure it out
on their own anyway.
[EDIT] This was gilded. I have no idea what the appropriate response is so Ill just say
thanks and google the appropriate action.
Thank you.
[/EDIT]
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Come mommy - and daddy, youd better come too -

Be still and be silent. Its time that you knew.
Youve asked for the answer; youre wondering how;
And maybe - just maybe - youre old enough now.
You think youve matured and youve lost the pretence -

Cos when you grow up you need stu that makes sense
(And when all our fantasies fade with our youth,
We swallow the fact and we call it the truth) -
But dont worry mommy, cos I understand -

Youve no time for magic with bills in your hand.
So think for a moment. You know what you feel -
Just open your mind, and youll find that hes real.
#584 If you had a top secret document, what would you

label it to ensure nobody takes a peak?
2015-01-18 17:12:16
/u/(deleted user)
/u/outofpatience
Poems I wrote when I was sad
My blood is like ice, like your heart and my feet.

I told you I loved you. You said I was sweet.
I wish it was over - this just isnt right.
If black was a feeling, then Id be the night.
I asked you to prom, but youre going with Chad.

Get out of my yard! said your cold-hearted dad.
Ive written this ode in the tears that Ive cried -
So many. Its worse than when Bambis mom died.
So bid your farewell, my insensitive dove -

Adieu to ambition, and so long to love!
I wont find another. Id rather I die.
I know that Ill suer forever. Goodbye.
471
#583 What question do you go all day hoping no one will
ask you?
2015-01-17 15:43:34
/u/Brennanhusnutsack
/u/DroidX64
Whats the matter, why the long face? MY RELAXED FACE JUST LOOKS SAD
GODDAMNIT!
As I surfed the net perusing

Ways to waste my time amusing,
There a colleague, slowly cruising,
Passed my oce space:
Goodness me! he cried with wonder,

As his clap of vocal-thunder
Tore the peace and calm asunder,
Much to my disgrace.
Whats the matter? What appalling,

Problematic, creeping, crawling,
Awful, ghastly, grim and galling
Thing has taken place?
What unpleasant contemplation -

What abhorrent implication -
Causes such abomination?!
. . . Dude, thats just my face.
#582 Whats the worst possible response to the job in-

terview question what are your weaknesses?
2015-01-15 18:41:50
/u/hungry4nuns
472
/u/RamsesThePigeon
Dont say anything.

Just stare at the interviewer.
After a moment, ask them to repeat the question.
As soon as they begin speaking again, interrupt them by telling them that you farted.
Ask them to repeat the question again.
Continue this until they ask you to leave.
Refuse.
Tell them that your greatest weakness is persistence.
/u/ vargas
Ive mentioned this before, but I believe persistence is one of the greatest strengths one
can have. Take Jack Dawson, for instance. He gets on the Titanic and sets o for with
the rest of the pilgrims for Plymouth Rock. But then sees Rose in all her crimson cheeked
glory. He thinks to himself Man, this gal sure is amazing! Almost like a bunch of
beautiful flowers. And speaking of flowers, I sure would like her tulips on my stem.
And so began his pursuit.
It was slow going at first. Jack did look a bit rapey after all. But he kept at it. You
have to remember things didnt move all that quickly back then. The swiftest car in the
world could only do four. Bowel movements took hours on account of Grape-Nuts not
yet having been invented. And no Nike Shox.
But eventually, a bond took form. A friendship, almost, during which they both learned
much. Jack learned how to apply hair gel. Rose learned the dierence between spitting
and swallowing. Jack learned about class disparities and the panty-moistening eects of
steerage. Rose learned about nude selfies.
Throughout it all, though, Jack never gave up. His persistence would eventually pay o.
Rose grew to desire him. It was time to reward his eorts and great timing with a little
taste of first class if you know what I mean (I mean she was going to let him stick his
thing in her perfumed, tick-free vagina). Like any true gentleman, Jack took her in the
back seat of a car that wasnt his and banged her like an old tambourine.
Though Jack had worked so hard to court Rose, he grew quite tired of her after the
one encounter. He now regarded her as rather whiney and annoying. Furthermore, she
was as bland as cauliflower in the sack. Shes about as sexually adventurous as an old
Protestant woman with a sewn up butthole, he thought to himself.
From there, he had no choice but to fake his death by manipulating the captain into
crashing the ship into an iceberg, after which he changed his identity to Gatsby and lived
out his days knee-deep in strange.
This was all because he was persistent.
473
Were a wonderful pair (as Im sure youre aware),

So lets share an aair, you and I!
And Ill charm you, said Jack,
Right to Plymouth and back,
Under stars in the shimmering sky!
She remarked with delight: Youre a beautiful sight,

And youre right, for tonight were complete -
See a Rose, said the same,
By a variant name
Is precisely as lovely and sweet!
So they loved and they cried and they travelled by tide,

Till his passion subsided a mote -
And he did what he could
(As a gentleman would). . .
And pretended he drowned with the boat.
#581 Who is the worst person you have been forced to

work or hang out with?
2015-01-13 18:50:37
/u/GreenishLiquid
/u/takenorinvalid
There was a period when my friends decided to be accepting. Really accepting. Specifi-
cally, they decided to be accepting of a Neo Nazi.
This dude was unbelievable. A friend met him in an orgy, then started dating him. She
was 17. He was 38. He made his living selling coke and heroin. And, oh, right, he firmly
beloved that Hitler had the right idea.
When I complained, I was accused of being closed-minded and unaccepting. Sort of like,
I thought, how Nazis were of the Jews.
Eventually, one of his friends got really high and stole my friends little sisters Christian
Rock album collection. I decided I was done with hanging out with this guy and his
friends. I told my friends I couldnt hang out with a guy with a swastika tattoo anymore
and that if they really wanted to get in with that crowd, they were going to have to do
it without me.
They went with him.
TL/DR: I am less likeable than nazis.
474
/u/PT C
>A friend met him in an orgy

you mean the 38 year old Nazi-cokehead-heroin dealer your 17 year old friend met at an
orgy wasnt a straight shooter?
EDIT: Thanks for the gold, valiant stranger
An obdurate, prejudiced, bigot and brute;

A dogmatist creep and a cretin to boot!
A pill-poppin, dope-droppin zealot and dick;
A mad, maladjusted, cantankerous prick!
A jerk and a junkie; a snake and a sneak;

A nazi-sectarian-fascist and freak!
A dangerous, deviant, blood-sucking flea -
But man, what an asshole he turned out to be.
#580 Whats the best advice youve ever received?

2015-01-11 16:37:32
/u/ItsaMeMattio
Omg my inbox etc etc!!
/u/Anastik
I asked my grandpa what it felt like to grow old. Grandpa is a man who will deliberate
on which part of the newspaper to start with each morning, so I knew my question would
take him some time to answer. I said nothing. I let him gather his thoughts.
When I was a boy, Grandpa had once complimented me on this habit. He told me it was
good that I asked a question and gave a person silence. And being that any compliment
from him was so few and far between, this habit soon became a part of my personality
and one that served me well.
Grandpa stared out the window and looked at the empty bird feeder that hung from
an overgrown tree next to the pond he built in the spring of 1993. For twenty years,
Grandpa filled up the feeder each evening. But he stopped doing it last winter when
walking became too dicult for him.
Without ever taking his eyes from the window, he asked me a question: Have you ever
been in a hot shower when the water ran cold? I told him I had.
Thats what aging feels like. In the beginning of your life its like youre standing in a
hot shower. At first the water is too warm, but you eventually grow used to the heat and
begin enjoying it. But you take it for granted when youre young and think its going to
be this way forever. Life goes on like this for some time.
475
Grandpa looked at me with those eyes that had seen so much change in this world. He
smiled and winked at me.
And if youre lucky, a few good looking women will join you in the shower from time to
time.
We laughed. He looked out the window and continued on.
You begin to feel it in your forties and fifties. The water temperature declines just the
slightest bit. Its almost imperceptible, but you know it happened and you know what it
means. You try to pretend like you didnt feel it, but you still turn the faucet up to stay
warm. But the water keeps going lukewarm. One day you realize the faucet cant go any
further, and from here on out the temperature begins to drop. And everyday you feel the
warmth gradually leaving your body.
Grandpa cleared his throat and pulled a stained handkerchief from his flannel shirt pocket.
He blew his nose, balled up the handkerchief, and put it back in his pocket.
Its a rather helpless feeling, truth told. The water is still pleasant, but you know it will
soon become cold and theres nothing you can do about it. This is the point when some
people decide to leave the shower on their own terms. They know its never going to get
warmer, so why prolong the inevitable? I was able to stay in because I contented myself
recalling the showers of my youth. I lived a good life, but still wish I hadnt taken my
youth for granted. But its too late now. No matter how hard I try, I know Ill never get
the hot water back on again.
He paused for a few moments and kept looking out the window with those eyes that had
seen ninety-one years on this Earth. Those eyes that lived through the Great Depression,
those eyes that beheld the Pacific Ocean in World War II, those eyes that saw the birth
of his three children, five grandchildren, and seven great-grandchildren.
He had indeed lived a good life, I thought to myself.
And thats what it feels like to grow old.
EDIT: There seems to be some concern over who wrote this story. I can confirm its me.
The article thats linked as the top reply to my comment has stolen my story and passed
it o as their own. If you click the link, youll see Ive posted a comment on their page
that cites my original Reddit source and asked them to take it down. Additionally, Ive
sent a message to the site administrators.
476
I pondered, pained, to see him kneel,

And talk of growing old -
I didnt think Id like the feel
Of water running cold.
He caught the look at once and smiled,

And said: But nevermind -
Theres warmth to hold and cherish, child,
In what you leave behind.
He wrapped me in his arms with pride,

And said: And dont forget -
A hug can keep me warm, he sighed. . .
A little longer yet.
#579 Lawyers who read wills to families, what is the most

interesting, bizarre, oensive, surprising thing you have had
to read out loud?
2015-01-11 01:53:06
/u/melshole
/u/Fighting Trousers
I once had to tell the son of the deceased that his mothers priceless Boy with Apple
painting was willed to a hotel concierge.
Edit: Spelling
/u/ask me if Im lying
The concierge was probably sleeping with her.
/u/TacoThingy
I go to bed with all my friends
477
Pay attention: prevail, and Ill tell you the tale

Of a lodging and lobby as fine as can be;
Of a last will and testament destined to fail;
Of my darling dear Agatha, Gustave, and me -
On the eve of a war in Zubrowka I sat

With the charming monsieur as he whispered, bereft,
(In the dark of his room with the deputys cat),
Of the Lady Cline, and the painting she left -
So we did what was right, and we tethered it tight,

And he made me his heir, and we skipped and we ran,
And we stole it away in the dead of the night
To the Grand Budapest - where our journey began. . .
#578 Yahoo Answers now redirects to /r/AskReddit...

What new questions do we see?
2015-01-09 20:11:18
/u/LtThunderpants
/u/RamsesThePigeon
HOW CAN I MAKE MY BF STOP BEING HER OTHER BF BEFORE IM

GET TO BE MOM?
ok so im dating a guy who also with a other girl but shes not pregnit because i already
am. i want my bf to not be her because i dont want my baby to be half her. if they keep
dating my baby will half me half him and half her but i want my baby to be half me and
half my bf so how can i make him dump her?
Top Answer:
WTF?
Can I get crabs in my beard if my girlfriend has crabs and I eat her out?
I have a girlfriend and shes really super hot. I also have a luxurious beard. I firmly
believe that men should have long hair and beards, because it is a sign of honor. Chivalry
is only practiced by a select few nowadays, and I am one of the upstanding few who
still puts a woman before himself. Other men are only concerned with sex, but I put a
womans emotions before my own. Im not just a nice guy, Im also a modern-day knight,
and I will gladly hold up my sword in defense of a ladys purity.
Top Answer:
u sound like that guy in my 4th period chem class who thinks hes a wizard
478
how can i learn REAL magic?
i am a witch. PLEASE DO NOT SAY I AM NOT A WITCH. i have casted MANY spells
for my friends and they ALL WORKED so DO NOT SAY I AM NOT A WITCH. i want
to learn how to do real magic like in harry potter where i can shoot katey with fire when
she calls me fat.
Top Answer:
To learn real magic, you either need to attend a school dedicated to the arcane arts or
drink a magic potion that will unlock your abilities. Since most magical campuses are
located on the moon, the potion would probably be a better choice for you. Purchase a
bottle of something called Ipecac from your local drug store, then drink it approximately
five minutes before you next confront Katey. If you truly are a real witch, youll be able
to cast an impressive spell at her, and shell never bother you again.
Where can I meet Edward Cullen?

I know that Edward was with Bella in the books and movies but I know that were meant
to be together. I have tried sleeping with my window open but he cant find me. I know
he is looking for me. Edward, if you read this, please come to my house tonight.
Top Answer:
This is Edward. Who the fuck are you?
What significance did the Battle of Trafalgar have for naval trade in Spain?
just curious.
Top Answer:
Do your own homework.
>HOW CAN I MAKE MY BF STOP BEING HER OTHER BF BEFORE

IM GET TO BE MOM?
Top Answer:
So Lissen, yeh, I no enu.

Ill tell u wot 2 do -
Just get up in her face and stu,
And ask her str8 up tru:
u B like: bitch hes my man, hore,

And when shes all like: who?
You say shes not ur frend no more,
And thatll likely do.
thats wot my suga-daddy did,
479
An here I told u how.
4 if shes pregnint with his kid,
She not be not no now.
Rezolvd.
>Can I get crabs in my beard if my girlfriend has crabs and I eat her out?
Top Answer:
What a pleasure to read of the dignified deed,

And the chivalrous vision in sight -
For the amorous state too persistent of late
Has been lacking the courteous knight!
Like yourself, Im a man with an honourable plan,

And a sense of the right and the wrong -
A benevolent sage for a scandalous age,
With a principled fortitude strong!
Ive traditional names for mladies and dames,

But to answer your question as well
(My companion revered, with your wonderful beard) -
Yes you can, and its itchy as hell.
>how can i learn REAL magic?
Top Answer:
Youre not a witch.
>Where can I meet Edward Cullen?
Top Answer:
Alas, it seems it falls to me

To speak the hardest truth -
When lies sustain the purity,
And innocence of youth.
Im sorry, kid; youll never find,

No matter what your age,
480
The man you seek but in your mind,
And on the printed page.
Dont fret or fear or shed a tear,

For here, upon this Earth -
Youll find a finer equal, dear,
In time, for what its worth.
>What significance did the Battle of Trafalgar have for naval trade in Spain?
Top Answer:
How outstanding! How elating

That I saw your question waiting -
What a truly fascinating
Query come to pass!
Any student here demanding

Careful, clever understanding
Profits from my keen, commanding,
Expertise en masse!
Heres my well-informed perspective,

With regard to your objective -
Im your teacher, damned defective.
See me after class.
#577 If you were to become 5 again while maintaining

everything you already know. What would you do?
2015-01-07 21:50:55
/u/PM ME YOUR VAGINA-
Say one day you wake up and youre back to where you were when you were 5 years old,
but you still remember everything youve learned since that time. What would you do?
Edit: Just to clarify, were talking time travel here. You wake up with all your knowledge
that you have today in the year that you were 5, and youre 5 years old.
Edit 2: Im at work now but once Im done Im going to read all your replies. Im getting
some really great ones. Thanks everyone for commenting!
Edit 3: Front page of /r/askreddit ! Good job everyone! Im loving all the ideas keep
them coming!
481
/u/badass panda
First, Id color. Im talking magenta tigers and a really, really cheerful sun.
Then Id proceed to enjoy my childhood again, instead of wasting it trying to grow up.
Id treat my siblings better, and help my older sibling to grow up more comfortable in
her own skin; Id treat my parents better, and Id (re)-read all the books.
At around 13-14 Id start trying to do odd jobs and save as much money as possible, then
over the next ten years invest in Google, Apple, and Bitcoin.
And Id do my best to find and meet my friends and significant others, since I dont want
to lose them.
/u/PM ME YOUR VAGINA-
I dont care what anybody says, Im putting a smiley face on my fucking Sun damnit.
/u/tinycatsays
Dont forget the sunglasses!
A smiling sun - an ancient oak,

With clouds that billow by -
A chimney blowing swirls of smoke,
Beneath a navy sky.
A home on lost and lovely land;

A pure and perfect scene -
A family standing hand in hand,
On grass of gold and green.
She laughs her light, familiar way

Beside the bedroom door -
Its you and me - its us, I say. . .
Just like it was before.
#576 What personal hygiene norms dont you follow?

2015-01-06 17:13:39
/u/(deleted user)
482
/u/bamf123
OP deleted his account rather than listen to all you disgusting freaks.
Edit: Im not OP but I too think youre some filthy-ass motherfuckers.
/u/hailthedragonmaster
Wow, he lasted less than two hours.
On a wind-swept winter morning,

As the sun was rising, dawning,
There I sat and stretching, yawning,
Stopped and softly sighed:
Ive a question far exceeding

All the normal queries needing
Answers from the rabble reading!
So I spoke with pride.
Thus I asked with hope, elated,

Till I read the words that waited -
Quit the site and, nauseated,
Showered till I cried.
#575 There are no laws for 24 hours. What is the first

thing you would do?
2015-01-05 15:18:49
/u/CMcKinley92
/u/RupeScoop
Log on to disney.com, and I wouldnt fucking ask my parents.
483
My little sister sat beside,

Her mouth an O of fear -
I swallowed hard with shaking pride,
Resolved to disregard the guide,
And boldly go where once denied,
With conscience clean and clear.
Theyll know, she whispered, white with fright,

And troubled, fretful, frown -
I heard the words with dark delight -
Theyll know! she cried; it isnt right!
I didnt care. I clicked the site.
High traffic. Page is down.
#574 What is the worst feeling in the world?

2015-01-02 23:23:31
/u/Liamonly
Edit: Wow, this blew up! My most popular post yet! Thanks everyone for contributing.
/u/super420
Being in love with someone who doesnt feel the same.

Edit: fuckin hell these are some sad stories.. I hope you all find some solace in someone
who will love you as much as you love them. The only way out is through
Other edit: Gold?! For my heartache?? You are too kind, friend. Thank you.
484
I remember your smile with the sun in your eyes,

And the smell of the summer, the sound of the breeze -
I remember your shape under powder-blue skies;
Under wandering clouds; under whispering trees.
I remember the feel of the grass at our back,

And the touch of its warmth, and the cool of the shade,
And the calls of our friends from the river-way track,
And the season that last for an age when it stayed.
I remember the fire we built of a night,

And the sight of the stars as they slipped in a stream,
And the furtive first-kiss that we shared by its light,
And the simple, impossible, innocent dream.
I remember you most in the starlight above,

But for you it was fun - and for me it was love.
#573 What is the worst feeling in the world?

2015-01-02 22:37:25
/u/Liamonly
Edit: Wow, this blew up! My most popular post yet! Thanks everyone for contributing.
/u/I-amOnly-joking
When you wipe, and wipe, and wipe, and wipe but the toilet paper always get a little
brown spot. Like you have a brown crayon stuck up your ass. That feeling, is the worst
feeling in the world.
/u/RamsesThePigeon
Along similar lines: When almost all of it comes out, but theres still that little bit stuck
up inside you.
You strain, you push, you rock back and forth. If youre a girl, you do that thing where
you finger yourself in an eort to push it out. You consider - even if only for a moment -
what would happen if you stuck the end of the vacuum cleaner over your rectum.
Minutes pass with you growing red in the face from working your abdominal muscles.
You think you can feel the beginnings of progress. . . but then the pressure releases itself
in the form of gas, somehow escaping around the damned blockage that youre trying to
pass.
Eventually, you give up. You clean up and leave. You can still feel it in there.
485
Its the worst.
Hear me stool ! I cried, confounded,

Rectum wrecked, and punished, pounded,
Straining sobs of sorrow sounded,
Steeped in deepest woe.
End your fecal-incubation!

Stop your sphincter-strangulation!
Make your way to sweet salvation
Round the bend below!
Leave! I shrieked with shrinking saneness -

Take your horrid, hateful, heinous,
Stench from out my aching anus,
Fated fetid foe!
Every whistle, every clenching,

Drastic diarrhea-drenching,
Gurgle-babble, bottom-wrenching,
Seemed to whisper. . . no.
#572 Your username is the answer. What is the question?

2015-01-01 17:31:23
/u/CharlieDeBeadle
/u/SaintVanilla
Whats your username?
/u/Business-Socks
Yeah but that could apply to anyone.

Hows about: Who does a white supremacist pray to?
486
Oh Saint Vanilla, far above,

In godly spectral light -
Protect me with your hateful love,
And keep me safe at night.
The worlds a dark and awful place

For honest folk, refined -
A harmless word regarding race,
The masses lose their mind!
Oh Saint Vanilla, spirit strong -

You have to make them see!
Youll have to teach them right from wrong,
And tolerance. . . for me.
#571 What do you think the best or shocking moment in

reddit was during 2014? [NSFW]
2014-12-31 17:46:59
/u/Derpkiller69
/u/(deleted user)
Ive really enjoyed the comments from /u/poem for your sprog this year. Some of them
have been funny, some of them have been silly, and some of them have been properly
moving too, which you dont always expect to see here.
One or two of his/her poems on depression have really spoken to me. Theyre the only
comments I can think of that have actually stuck with me after reading them.
487
Thanks for this.
Happy New Year everyone :)
Sonnet MMXV
Friends and acquaintances, lend me your ears!

Now is the time and the rhyme for goodbyes!
Whether a year-full of laughter or tears,
Bid your farwell to the lows and the highs!
All of the lessons youve lived through and learned -

All of the loss and the love in your mind -
All of the blows and the bruises youve earned -
Carry them with you, or leave them behind!
Pause for a ponder and see that its true -

Every beginning begins with an end.
Out with the olden times, in with the new!
Make what you will of the future, my friend.
Heres to the chance in the change of the scene -

Heres to tomorrow, and twenty-fifteen!
#570 Reddit, you suddenly own magical pajamas that

keep stu in your pockets from your dreams. What would
you find when you wake up?
2014-12-29 20:52:43
/u/Eatalian
Edit: apparently spaghetti, teeth and guns are very common subjects.
Ive been reading every comment. Theres lots of funny, interesting, and sad dreams in
here. Keep them coming, everyone!
/u/hoikarnage
I already have these pjs. This morning I woken up with semen all over them.
488
When you wake, my father sighed

To see me awe-struck, starry-eyed,
Youll find inside your pockets, boy,
The special stu of dreaming joy!
I closed my eyes with hope and glee,

And dreamt with such expectancy -
An itsy ship! A gold doubloon!
A teeny-tiny shining moon!
Of course, I should have known the truth -

For all that really waits for youth
Are broken hopes, and broken dreams. . .
And pockets full of cum, it seems.
#569 Whats the best accidental nudity youve ever seen?

2014-12-23 18:10:21
/u/on1no
Edit: I came back to 5000 comments and reddit gold, thanks!
/u/hoikarnage
When I was at camp as a teenager I got paired on a canoeing trip with a really attractive
girl who was wearing a bikini that was too big for her.
Basically her bikini bottom was so loose that when she sat in the canoe across from me it
just revealed everything. It was a two hour trip and I was staring at vag the entire time.
489
There, as though from hope and wonder,

Tearing teenage-dreams asunder,
Peeked a certain organ-under,
Bald, and boldly bared.
Though she glanced away, uncaring,

It was searching, seeking, staring -
Held me in its gaze, and glaring,
Caught me unprepared.
Look, it seemed to say, and smiling,

Oered up its bait beguiling;
So I saved the sight for filing,
Rapt and sweetly-snared.
I was lost, and we were stranded -

Grab your oar! the coach commanded -
Fucking which? I answered candid. . .
Everybody stared.
#568 Housekeepers and others who work in private homes,

what do you know about your clients that they are probably
unaware that you know?
2014-12-23 00:19:54
/u/winter storm
/u/ponyinacup
Back when I was younger and lived at home with my parents, I had made a pact with
her. Me and her had always got along great so it wasnt all that weird. My parents
were highly conservative and not ok at all with me wearing anything but traditional
underwear, but me being the rebellious teen wanted lacy thongs and bras. Id throw them
in the washer an hour before she came in, shed hang them, fold them when they were
dry and put them in my room rather than on the wooden plank that we used for the rest
of the clothing. The time the cleaner was in the house, my mum would go out of her way
not to be in the laundry room not to disturb her so she wouldnt see.
My parents never figured out about them. Id make sure there was always an extra e5
or e10 extra pay from me for how she helped me not get me grouded for life. So I guess
my parents didnt know what she did.
TL;DR: cleaning lady helped me get laid in non-granny panties.
490
/u/SuckMyDax
The TL;DR version of this opens itself up to A LOT of interpretation.
Though just a tiny wall of text,

I pondered, loath to read it next,
Then bid the piece an au revoir -
Until I spied TL;DR.
What evers this? I thought, with glee -

A kinky little mystery?
A naughty maid thats made for more?
The Help to help the helpless score?
Oh yes, thought I - its worth the read!

A sexcapade is fine indeed!
And so I chose to pause than pass. . .
But rather hoped for more, alas.
#567 If you were going to assassinate Kim Jong Un, how

would you do it?
2014-12-19 21:14:24
/u/JRadical21
/u/Old Gaer
Send Seth Rogan and James Franco over to formally apologize for the Interview then
have them actually assassinate him.
/u/Baczeck
But film it and release it as promised, and then airdrop copies of the movie into North
Korea cause freedom backs down from NOBODY
491
While feasting on the tears of thralls

And melted mozzarella-balls,
The Righteous Democratic Head
Of Noble North Korea said:
My faithful aides, we win again!

Before us stand two fallen men!
He cried with pride: Now make amends
For all your lies, my phoney friends!
In front, one sat with squinting eyes -

One laughed a laugh youd recognise.
They shared a look, then shrugged instead. . .
And shot the chubby bastard dead.
#566 What movie one-liner do you repeatedly use in real

life?
2014-12-16 18:37:19
/u/oneoaccountok
/u/whistledick
Thatll do, pig. Thatll do.
/u/PainMatrix
Either you own a farm or your wife must hate your fucking guts
/u/whistledick
Yes.
492
Her eyes were dark and narrowed thin -

Her mouth, a solid line.
I took a breath, and with a grin,
Ignored the warning sign.
Perhaps a smarter (safer) man

Would leave the thought unsaid -
But I was caught. She saw the plan,
And slowly shook her head.
And this was it - the time, the place,

The moment, ripe and rare.
Well, thatll- ow !
She slapped my face.
And said: bitch, dont you dare.
#565 Retired teachers of reddit, who is the student that

you will never forget and why?
2014-12-13 17:08:07
/u/UsedToEatSardines
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
493
The dean of studies stood to say:

Perhaps you havent heard -
In culinary class today,
A ghastly thing occurred.
We ask that every student brings

The parts for pies and cake -
Or other fancy foody things,
To whip and beat and bake.
He swallowed hard and shook his head:

And thats all nice and neat -
But if you sampled stu, he said. . .
Youd better take a seat.
#564 What are you completely obsessed with?

2014-12-12 17:27:51
/u/madness408
Obligatory: holy shit this blew up.
I rhyme in my thoughts, and I rhyme when I dream -

I write in the night to a structure and scheme!
A lines not enough, and a lyric wont do -
Id rather compose half a poesy or two!
A song for a sonnet; a ditty defined;

An ode that Ive sewed from a sound in my mind;
A beat for a verse on whatever I see -
A cute little couplet in stanzas of three!
I do it with joy, and Id do it for good -

Id write for a living, if only I could!
You see - though Im sure that youd never have guessed. . .
Im utterly, totally, fucking obsessed.
494
#563 Reddit, how has your life changed due to what you
thought would be a minor event?
2014-12-08 18:58:36
/u/chocore
/u/louiseG
For a lark, while bored, I went over and sat on the arm of a chair where the shyest boy
ever was studying, in 1963. I wanted to see him blush, in a cruel sort of way. Now have
eight grandchildren and he still blushes.
painted badly:
http://i.imgur.com/mLS9nPf.jpg
When all our clothes are out of style,

And days are fair and few -
Ill stand before the end and smile,
So long as I have you.
No matter what the seasons bring -

No matter what should be -
Ill know that I had everything. . .
If you still blush for me.
:)
#562 Males of Reddit: When was the last time you cried
and why?
2014-12-08 01:04:07
/u/ConeyIslandQueen17
Thanks for sharing! I never knew how much guys internalized their emotions instead of
actually crying. I really feel your pain.
495
/u/oddagain
This morning. Then previously the night before. Ive been crying atleast once a day every
day since my Fiancee left me. Everyone tells me it gets easier. I picked up new hobbies.
Got new friends. Got a raise at work. Been going to the gym. I still cry every day and
miss her and want only her. It hurts just as much now.
Its been about five months.
EDIT: I am so overcome by all the kindness and thoughtful responses. Stay strong
brothers and sisters, Im sending you all the positive vibes.
Ive heard it said before in rhyme,

To speak of loss and pain:
While open cuts will heal in time,
The hidden scars remain.
Theyre buried, caught and kept in sighs;

In doubts, and broken dreams;
In broken hopes and homes and cries,
And broken hearts, it seems.
And yet, one day the pain will ease -

Youll wake, and when its cleared -
Those scars will serve as memories
For how you persevered.
#561 Whats the most evil thing you have ever done?
[NSFW]
2014-12-07 16:56:00
/u/Blededge
/u/bbuullll33rr
When I was younger (I think I was about 6 or 7) I kicked a fat girl in her stomach. I feel so
fucking bad about it today. She came from a poor family, she had been understimulated
as a child and was therefore not the smartest child and I remember her as being quite
nasty (she couldnt help it since she came from a poor household. But I remember when
she drank from her bottle of water the water would get dirty because. . . I dont know
how it happens but its nasty - food floating around in a water bottle. Ugh).
She got bullied very often but I tried not to since Im taught well but one day right before
P.E. everybody were just bullying her and I think I got carried away and some of my
496
friends and I kicked her in her fucking stomach. Thats the most fucking humiliating, evil
thing Ive ever seen and I did it. I cant stop thinking about what a little shit I must
have been.
If you can stand for all to see,

And swear, with earnest truth,
It didnt come from enmity,
But ignorance of youth -
Then hold your head up high, my friend,

And let it fade at last -
Its right to care, but in the end,
The lessons learned and passed.
The young are slow to understand,

And foolish through and through.
You didnt think to lend a hand. . .
But you would, wouldnt you?
#560 In what ways have you won and lost the genetic
lottery?
2014-12-06 01:33:44
/u/j overland f
/u/notdomoduro
Won: Im a guy and Im white

Lost: Im not tall
497
One evening, tired and tucked in bed,

My father sat beside and said
(With unexpected, sudden joy):
Youve won the game of life, my boy!
He laughed aloud with deep delight:

An X and Y, and white as white!
What better start to life, my lad,
Could any father hope was had?
He clapped my back and cried with glee:

Oh surely fortunes favour me!
To have a son with fairer skin,
Of fewer parts eumelanin!
And so it was across the years,

Until his pride had turned to tears.
I won - but all the same, you see. . .
Im thirty-six, and five-foot-three.

:(
#559 Its amazing what jaw surgery can do.

2014-12-05 19:03:43
/u/ANJLINAJOLI
[Link]
/u/OneCommentDec5th
Hopefully the lower picture is after. Otherwise, Id say surgery was probably a poor
choice.
/u/i love jollyranchers
Yes!! Ive been following you for two years now! I love you.
/u/td27
I admire his dedication. I would forget every year
498
/u/Okydog
I love the almost meaningless comments as well. I would get one manifesto type post
once a year, but your post this year is sarcastic joke on a chin surgery post, bravo.
/u/td27
Novelty accounts arent known for their writing prowess
/u/kingphysics
/u/Poem for your sprog would like to have a word poem with you.
WHats That? yOu thinbk my rightings good?

Your write, of couse! Of coarse you shud!
My pens unmatched in skill oar stile,
So lissen up 4 wit a wile!
At rime Im knowne to bee the best,

In tyme eggseed ing all the rest!
my words are wize - my versis sweet;
My stanzas Speshul, nice and neet!
Fore wen you deal in Wordz an wit,

you gotta make em sound The shit!
And thats the trufth,, becos, U sea -
There;s no won goodlier than me!
:D
#558 Camp counselors, whats the most NSFW thing

youve caught campers doing?
2014-12-03 00:08:22
/u/always odd
/u/Sayoshinn
When I was a counselor, I woke up in the middle of the night to take a leak. As I walked
from the front to the back of the cabin, I noticed one of the top bunks where a camper
499
(lets call him Timmy) should have been. Neither Timmy or his sleeping bag were on
the bed. I peek out back, thinking maybe he went to take a pee and didnt tell me.
Nope. Timmys not out back. Maybe he went across the field to the bathrooms to take
a dump? Go look out front. Peer across, no light on in bathroom building. But now I
see a shadowy, hunched figure in the middle of the field. I approach, mag-lite, in hand.
As I approach, the smell worsens and the faint sound of tears begins to become audible.
I find little Timmy, alone in the athletic field, crouched in his sleeping bag full of shit.
He had awoke that night and was too much of a pussy to walk to the bathroom in the
cold, so he tried to hop in his warm sleeping bag. He couldnt make it fast enough and
his bodys need to shit soon overcame his weak mind. He stopped, dropped his pants
(inside the sleeping bag) and shit inside his place of sleep. Once the relief of his massive
shit passed, he realized what he had done, froze, and remained there in his humiliated
tears for over an hour. He also peed.
edit: gold cuz my camper shit himself in a sleeping bag?! thank you!
There I hunched in silence waiting,

Sudden happy thoughts abating,
Satisfaction turned to hating,
Stomach creased in cramp.
Boldly through the dark Id blundered,

Toilet-tissue picked and plundered,
Till it was, at last, I wondered
What was soft and damp.
Shadows through the dark proceeded -

Go away! I cried, unheeded.
Leave me here to die! I pleaded.
God, I hated camp.
#557 Redditors that are 30+ y/o, what do people in their

mid-twenties have to look forward to as they age?
2014-11-30 19:36:26
/u/ Cupid Stunt
/u/jrice441100
Dude - buckle up because being over 30 is awesome. I was dreading it in the weeks
running up to my 30th birthday. I thought it was going to be all backpain and recliners
500
from then on out. I was wrong. My 30th birthday was my favorite ever. Heres why:
1. I came to the realization that Im never going to be cool in the way MTV told me
I should be (or whatever the equivalent is for kids now. Shut up. Stop laughing) so
I could stop trying so damn hard to look the way that TV wanted me to look and
acting the way TV wanted me to act. I really got comfortable being myself. If you
can do this before youre 30, do it. So Point #1 - You get comfortable in your own
skin.
2. I got into a real relationship. Granted, this happened before I turned 30. My wife
(then girlfriend) and I got together when I was 25. Before that my relationships
with women were pretty superficial. With my wife (then girlfriend) the relationship
didnt start all that dierent, but I learned how to let this woman become my friend,
then my best friend, and now super-best-friend-lifelong-partner. Its been almost 8
years now, and theres nobody I trust or confide in or want to be around more. I
still have plenty of friends, and we still hang out, but its not nearly as important
to me as it was when I was in my 20s. So Point #2 - You learn how to have real,
meaningful relationships.
3. I dont live hand-to-mouth any more. Being married, and both of us with good-
paying middle-class jobs and no kids, we do pretty good. We have a house on 10
acres (and a mortgage) and a couple vehicles (with a small loan) and a retirement
plan that grows fatter with each paycheck. Were both in grad school (one night
a week), but were able to make ends meet with a little left over at the end of the
month. Were certainly not living high on the hog right now, but once school ends
were going to be doing pretty good. I dont worry where my next meal is going to
come from. I dont worry about making rent. I dont worry about what Ill do if
my car breaks down. So Point #3 - You get security.
4. Provided you dont dress like an idiot, people will listen to what you have to say.
Im still a little surprised that I can walk into a business meeting and say words
with my deep man-voice and people will stop and listen to what input I have. This
comes after years of being the kid working on construction jobs where I was the
guy who had to sweep and cut all the boards to the right size and stu. You hit
30-ish, and people start taking you seriously (unless youre dressed like an idiot.
Im looking at you Aiction-shirt-at-work guy.). So Point #4 - You get respect.
Now, to any of you under-30-year-olds reading this, you may think to yourself That
sounds damn boring. And you may be right. Because right now your life is hanging out
with friends and probably having some awkward drunken sex with available partners and
going to concerts and having fun. Its a trade. And its a trade I would have made at
age 19 if I knew how good it feels. Because another thing you learn once youre over 30
is the dierence between fleeting fun and long-term satisfaction. You may disagree with
me now ( 22-year-old me would have, from the outside looking in), but youll get there.
And youll find out that its exactly as great (or better) than I just described. Good luck
with the rest of your 20s!
501
/u/New-Caprica
Best comment in the thread the dierence between fleeting fun and long term satisfac-
tion.
When thirty hit, and life had slowed,

One day I woke and saw -
It wasnt fun, my life and load,
Not like it was before.
I didnt have the room for fun,

Or fleeting, brief aairs -
Id traded fun for jobs begun,
And duties, bonds, and cares -
For costly baby-carriages;

For picket-fences grey;
For mortgages and marriages,
And business rooms and pay.
And that was it, or so I thought -

A life of finished youth.
A life of missing all I ought. . .
Until I learned the truth.
In time, those things I thought were sweet -

The wonders youth contained -
They couldnt ever match or meet
The love and life Id gained.
#556 Non-British people of Reddit, what about Britain

is stupid/baes you?
2014-11-30 18:37:15
/u/AustinThompson
With the constant, Tell us why America is stupid circle jerks that always appear on
this sub, I thought it would be interesting to turn the tables.
EDIT: My God, when they say RIP your inbox they really do mean RIP your inbox.
And gold?!?! Thank you so much random redditor, I really love it!
502
/u/(deleted user)
Royalty. Why do you still have royalty?
/u/Greyclocks
Honestly, theyre a tourist attraction now. People from all over the world come and spend
money to see Buckingham Palace and the crown jewels.
They have little power and dont do a lot anymore, if anything really.
/u/WastingOurYouth
They also grant us occasional days o work and school every time they bring a new honey
home, or breed with one, or marry one.
/u/MGLLN
You make them sound like cattle.
In shops and in classes across the UK,

The doorways are padlocked and closed for the day.
The hallways are silent; the oces shut -
No queues are enjoyed, or denounced with a tut.
The streets are devoid of the young and the old,

With tea-cups in coee-shops empty and cold.
Theres no one in wait for a bus or a train,
Complaining politely and standing in rain.
Theres fish and theres chips still awaiting the fat -

And though its improper and vulgar at that,
A call caterwauls through the silence serene:
The Prince got his end away, god save the queen!
#555 What is your approach to life summarised in 6 words

or less?
2014-11-30 17:05:25
/u/dezzybird
503
/u/jubileo5
Confidence is quiet. Insecurities are loud.
Id love to have your life a while,

And share, for moments brief,
Your confidence, your easy smile -
Your self-assured belief!
You catch the eyes of girls and guys,

With style and wit to spare -
And when theyre cruel or criticise,
You never seem to care!
Id love that same security -

Too bold and brave for doubt!
I nod and smile.
I have to be.
To drown the panic out.
#554 What do you believe is a cold hard truth that you

think the average person refuses to accept?
2014-11-28 18:37:26
/u/lothario33139
/u/pingy34
America is not a democracy.
504
I have my say, say I, with pride;

I say, my say, and feel inside
A shiny sense of warmth and worth -
For Ive my part and place on Earth.
My say, I say, is worth the same

As any folk of funds or fame,
For Ive, say I, with cherished glee,
A voice in my democracy.
And so it is I sleep at night,

And know that all is well and right -
While golden men on business boards
All have their say. . . and mine, and yours.
#553 World travelers of reddit, where did you go that was

a total disappointment?
2014-11-25 16:47:25
/u/noodlepoops
/u/StalinWasAJerk
Fuckin Stonehenge.
I guess its alright, as far as Henges go. But its smaller than you think, you cant get
close to it and its fuckin hours from London (which wouldnt matter if it was worth it).
/u/mrpithecanthropus
Fuck those neolithic tribes for not making a bigger, more sparkly henge and doing it closer
to the area that would, hundreds of years later, be formed of a number of villages and
called London.
505
The students whined and griped and groaned -

They sighed aloud and moped and moaned;
This sucks! said one, with tortured face,
And whats a henge, in any case?
A henge, described as scholars might,

Said I, with well-informed delight
(And answer pre-prepared and penned),
Refers to this, my puzzled friend:
A Neolithic earthwork shape

(Of rather sweet and splendid scape),
With inner ditch, and space inside
No more than twenty-metres wide.
A circle, stone or timber-through,

May form a funky feature too
(Though note, for intellectives sake,
A henge, their presence doesnt make.)
And now you knowsaid I, content -

An outing well and truly spent!
What say you, boy of brighter wit?
He said: Its really fucking shit.
#552 Reddit, what compliment do you never want to

hear?
2014-11-23 18:57:44
/u/the fenestrator
/u/Supertumor
Youre pretty for a Black girl. (Or smart, speak well, dress well. . . )
/u/(deleted user)
On a related note: youre funny for a girl.
506
/u/(deleted user)
On another related note: I had no idea girls were into that!. Yeah, vaginas dont
influence what youre interested in buddy, thanks for telling me you never associate with
women unless youre trying to pick up.
edit: Reddit is full of fucking morons, holy shit.
/u/(deleted user)
You really think peoples genders dont influence their tastes at all ?
EDIT: thanks everyone, but I already know the dierence between sex and gender. I
really only meant to ask after the notion that our tastes have nothing to do with our
gender OR sex, since they were both referred to in the last two comments. So, please
excuse me.
/u/Kappa the imp
Honestly? As far as societal conditioning goes, not so much anymore. At least not for
girls. Its ok for girls to be into anything. And I know way more girls into nerdy shit and
guy stu than I know girls into fashion and girly stu. Guys still catch a little flak
for being into girl stu though.
Edit: Those of you taking this statement as an absolute, please dont. Take it with the
context in which it was given. Yes there are still areas with gender disparities. But for
the sake if this particular conversation, the above is true enough that you shouldnt be
surprised that someone out of a whole gender is into the same shit as you.
/u/Wizardspike
> Guys still catch a little flak for being into girl stu though.
hah. . . little. . .
507
Dierent Standards
They giggled, laughed, and grinned with joy,

Until, an unsuspecting boy,
Ensnared inside the moments whirl,
Exclaimed: Youre funny. . . for a girl!
I turned and grinned with malcontent.

He caught my eye - I only meant,
The boy began, before a pause
To ditch his rather hopeless cause.
Oh no, said I, with gracious glee,

And phony smile for all to see;
Youre right, of course! The world around
Has always known that humours found
Not in the use of cunning wit
Or anecdotes as might befit
The finer moments such as these,
With folks of either sex at ease!
A womans sense of humour, see,
Is lost inside an ovary!
The funnys made and meant for men,

And so it stands to reason then
(And heres the truth, and aint it slick?) -
It must be found inside a dick !
So ponder that a little while,

Cos boy. . . you never make me smile.
The others laughed with pure delight -

Im sorry, said the first, contrite.
His eyes were wet, and set to cry.
Ew, stop - youre meant to be a guy.
#551 Reddit, what compliment do you never want to

hear?
2014-11-23 18:05:21
/u/the fenestrator
508
/u/hauntedfox
Mom calls
Hey, I really liked that reddit post you made the other day
/u/BeaverCleaver69
Good post, son.

-xoxo mom
/u/weeniall
Especially with that username.
Upon a certain site one night

(With plans for posting next),
The room was bright with sudden light -
My phone received a text.
We loved your latest post! it said,

As every user ought!
That funny smell beneath your bed -
A cumbox, whod have thought?
Your father laughed so hard he cried!

It said with joyful glee -
I hung my head and sadly sighed:
Dear mom. . . stop texting me.
#550 IT professionals, whats the worst case of computer

illiteracy that youve experienced?
2014-11-21 18:47:38
/u/WalkerFLRanger
/u/LordLior
A friend was about to deliver a lecture and forgot the powerpoint at home (well, dropbox
didnt sync). so he tried to guide his newborns nanny to either find the file, or by my
suggestion, use TeamViewer. He wasnt able to get her to do that, so Ive suggested Ill
give it a shot.
509
Hey , well, what do you see on the screen?
Nothing
Can you see the mouse cursor? when you move the mouse do you see something that
moves on the screen?
I dont know
Look at the table, can you see a small device with buttons, sort of a round rectangle?
Yes
Can you move it
Yes
Now, do you see something on the screen that moves accordingly?
I dont know
at that point I wasnt sure what is exactly wrong.
Well, can you see a red light coming out of it?
Yes
And when you move it, it doesnt do anything?
No
Well. . . is the red light on the top or at the bottom?
top
Can you please flip it, so the red light is at the bottom?
Yes
Now, do you see something that moves along on the screen?
Yes
/u/FoieyMcfoie
I dont see anything has to be the most frustrating thing to hear when you are walking
someone through something over the phone.
You mean to tell me you see literally nothing, there is nothing in the glowing screen in
front of you at all?! Agggggg shove my fingers through the phone into their eyes
/u/whelks chance
I cant help but imagine the desk in front of them is just a yawning abyss of nothingness,
where all the light in the room appears to be sucked towards.
I see nothing should only be used in this sense.
/u/FoieyMcfoie
I see nothing, only the. . . wait the Dark Lord appears to be approaching oh god his
horrible face!
UNPLUG AND PLUG IT BACK IN DO IT NOW!
Is the power cord the one that goes into my modem?
You know what, fuck it, the Dark Lord can have you
510
I sat there in silence, perplexed and alone.

Just say what you see, said the voice on the phone;
Frustrated, hed sighed when he answered my call -
Theres nothing, said I, not a thing there at all.
Theres nothing? he scoed, and he chuckled with scorn:

Theres nothing! I answered, fed-up and forlorn.
Come look for yourself and youll see that its true -
My screens gone all dark and theres nothing to do!
Indignant, he hung up the phone with a sigh.

He stood, with a venomous glint in his eye,
Then stomped through the oce with arrogant glee. . .
And in to the void where my screen used to be.
#549 What single sentence, the second you hear it, makes
you absolutely livid?
2014-11-21 00:15:59
/u/OrderOfMagnitude
/u/OrderOfMagnitude
Would it kill you to smile?
511
While lost in thoughts and feeling fine -

Not happy; neither sad -
A well-intentioned friend of mine
Gave all the best she had.
Cheer up and chill! she cried with force;

Think positive, you know?
You never have to smile, of course,
But would it kill you though?
I sighed aloud, then turned my head,

And grinned from ear to ear.
It wont, but all the same, I said. . .
It just might kill you, dear.
#548 What sentence could ruin a date immediately?

2014-11-20 19:26:07
/u/shadyduck
/u/KittyKat1986
Allow me to tell you about an exciting new opportunity
/u/N8theGr8
whips out a full spread of Cutco knives
watercoloured
http://i.imgur.com/sOvADMz.jpg
512
We ate in sight of stars at night,

And shared a velvet wine -
And there, beneath the candle-light,
He curled his hand in mine.
Id been alone so long it seemed

My days were cold and grim -
But he was all Id ever dreamed;
I found a hope in him.
And so I pictured years ahead -

A lovely, loving life.
He stared into my eyes and said. . .
You wanna buy a knife?
#547 What small or large act do you do that is your way

of saying fuck you to the world?
2014-11-17 19:36:01
/u/Mr Incrediboy
/u/Deusis
I wear dinosaur socks under my business casual attire at work.

Edit: Proof
/u/N8theGr8
Do you make growling noises during meetings?

Seems like when Johnson disagrees with the merger options, you should take o your shoe
and growl at him like a Stegosaurus, while waving your foot around.
/u/catch22milo
In a world of corporate carnivores, dominated by meat eaters, one herbivore stands

alone.
513
There they sat, and salivating,

Watched with wanton hunger waiting;
Eyes like raptors, bound for baiting
Someones pointless plea.
So they gathered round in bleakness;

Marked my movements; noted weakness;
Laughed to see my muted meekness,
Grinning grim with glee.
They were beasts of desolation -

I was pale in perspiration. . .
Man, that fucking presentation
Really sucked for me.
#546 What lesson or moral were you taught as a child

that has stayed with you forever?
2014-11-16 18:02:32
/u/bfsfan101
/u/way fairer
My grandpa used to always say: Do a job, big or small, do it right or not at all.
It has kept me from doing a lot of things half-assed. I also like to say it to my girlfriend
when she forgets to cup the balls.
514
Ill not forget the words he said,

I sighed aloud and shook my head -
His wise advice - that prudent rhyme
That stuck with me for all of time.
I still recall across the years

His thoughtful words inside my ears:
You do your job, and big or small -
You do it right, or not at all.
My dearest smiled and said: Its true -

My grandpa used to say it too.
A worker thrives - a shirker falls.
I said: Whatever. Cup my balls.
#545 Whats something stupid you used to do in middle

school to be cool?
2014-11-14 18:21:12
/u/notrachelfromglee
/u/yours duly
Made a secret deal with a close friend: We both will subtly drop rumors about each other,
that we both have hot girlfriends outside school.
The next day after football, I initiated, Have you seen Pats girlfriend? Shes a real
cutie.
Another guy: He was saying the same about you this morning. What you guys made
some loser pact about a pretend gf?
Me: I gotta go, see you tomorrow.
/u/Thrackerz0d
I have a creeping feeling that that would have gone a lot smoother if you two didnt use
the same guy to start the rumor
/u/yours duly
Yeah, either that or if any of us had a real girlfriend.
515
Right! said Pat with concentration,

Ive the finest fabrication,
Guaranteeing validation
For our fake aairs;
Half a word of subtle chatter

Settles all and every matter -
Rumours ready-set to flatter
Both our phony airs;
Never mind this social shunning!

Ive a plan of clever cunning -
Simply say that Ive a stunning
Babe of perfect prayers!
Then theyll see! he cried, and ending,

Grinned until I sighed, oending:
Maybe if we stopped pretending,
Wed have girls like theirs.
#544 Who has the BEST fanbase?

2014-11-13 23:48:33
/u/AssiduousEnt
the other thread had so much negativity, who has fans we all wish we had?
/u/(deleted user)
Train bus - every train bu I have met is a portly fellow who is so incredibly happy to
see you. Theyre also good at fixing things and they like a few beers after theyve fixed
things.
/u/gnujack
I went to a model train convention. There were three types of attendees:
1) Children under 10.

2) Parents of children under 10.
3) Men with mild autism.
10/10 would ride again.
516
Oh theres the Baby Deltic Six;

The Brush! The Dutch! The Peak!
The locomotive Metrovicks,
And Silver-Bullet sleek!
The double-header built to scale,

With boiler-steam that blows!
The perfect clone, as every rail
And gandy dancer knows!
Ill ride the mini-cab! he cried

And madly rushed the line.
His mother hung her head and sighed.
Just wait. . . youre thirty-nine.
#543 What is your addiction?

2014-11-13 17:30:19
/u/tomerc10
Self insert: writing this at 3:14 in the morning, thank you everyone for commenting :)
my addictions are incremental games, hearthstone and homestuck.
/u/jiminatrix
Escapism.
Drink, drugs, video games, sleep etc. Anything to remove me from reality which, in my
experience, is a never ending source of disappointment.
517
I used to long for sleep at night

To close these weary eyes,
And dream of worlds in amber light;
Of suns in golden skies;
A starry sea; a voiceless vow

To find a finer shore -
But sailings so much harder now,
And takes a little more.
Ill stay awake a while and take

The comfort here, and then -
Perhaps, at last, Ill dream to wake
In amber light again.
#542 Has anyone on reddit actually been in trouble for

downloading movies, tv shows and music?
2014-11-12 18:34:04
/u/(deleted user)
I live in Australia and I have never heard of this happening to anyone. Recently the
government stated that they have no time for petty things like downloading when theres
more important things to take care of but said its still morally wrong.
/u/fewdea
Im so happy I can finally tell this story

Freshman year of college, there was a p2p program called i2hub. It utilized Internet2
which is a super fast network linking between universities. You could get a full movie in
20 minutes. It was glorious.
Being a technical type person, I had a router in my room, somewhat against the rules,
but whatever. Not a big deal. This meant though that my roommate and I appeared
on the network under a single IP address, seeming like one person was downloading two
peoples worth of stu.
Eventually i2hub started oering public accounts, which I paid no attention to. One day
I came back from class and had a private message waiting for me say better hide, youre
busted. So I checked the internets for more info and sure enough, the RIAA was suing
20 to 25 students at several major universities. Turns out, the public accounts were a
way to allow the RIAA to monitor sharing.
So I checked and found my IP address on The List. I was one of 25 at my university. The
RIAA was in the process of sending subpoenas to the university for them to figure out
who the IP belonged to. I worked for the schools IT department at the time and mention
518
the situation to my coworker, as both my roommate and I are panicking. He simply said
change your routers MAC address. So I did.
A month goes by. And then maybe a couple weeks. I see the school paper one day with
an update on the bust. Only 18 of the 25 students were identified. And that was the time
I hacked the planet.
/u/kingeryck
HACK THE PLANNETTTT
As the wind starts to blow on a cold winters night,

By the light of the moon and the flickering glow
From a screen in the snow and the half-shaded sight
Of the Byte, and the Hacker ; the artist of woe -
There I stand and delay, while I ponder my act;

My exact execution; my moment astray.
I am king for a day, irrefutable fact. . .
For I hacked the whole planet, and I got away.
#541 What is the closest thing to magic/sorcery the world

has ever seen?
2014-11-11 16:49:25
/u/Angussicklad
/u/Jalapeno Business
Computing in general. Coding is analogous to writing a spell. You can use it to bring
robots to life or divine an answer to a question.
Most importantly, 99% of people have no idea how any of it works. It might as well be
magic.
519
I wandered the stairwell, postponing the meet;

A mind full of horror and anxious retreat.
Hed sit there, in silence and digital light -
A pale-pasty face, with an infamous byte.
The door lay before me - I had to go in.

He knew all the secrets and where to begin;
The ones and the zeroes; the knowledge arcane -
I stepped through the firewall and joined his domain.
And there was the wizard - the keeper of kits;

Of linux and javascript, coding and bits.
What is it? he whispered, from out of the murk. . .
My laptops got gunk in it, please make it work.
#540 What is the lamest hero you can create?

2014-11-11 16:14:24
/u/k4l4d1n
Name and powers, go
/u/DeathLeopard
Person Man, Person Man

Hit on the head with a frying pan
Lives his life in a garbage can
Person Man
520
Whos that guy in destitution,

Deep disdain and persecution,
Breathing in his own pollution,
Stealing what he can?
Whos that shape of degradation -

Moral, social implication;
That unpleasant contemplation,
Sleeping in his van?
Whos that schizophrenic, aimless,

Desperate, dirty, shocking, shameless,
Roving beggar, numb and nameless?
.. Why, thats Person Man.

:(
#539 Reddit what is a lie you have told for so long that
you arent sure whether or not it is actually true?
2014-11-09 17:41:33
/u/lordboyderson
Edit: holy fuck this picked up overnight looking forward to reading all these when I get
back from my exam thanks guys!
Edit 2: just quickly scrolled over to see a few responses and a lot of them are quite serious
and to do with not being happy, hope all that did reply with that find what youre looking
for and get better, no one deserves the kinda sadness that you seem to be dealing with
/u/Not-Sure-
Im not sure if Im actually in love with my girlfriend or whether Im just used to having
her around
Edit: Obligatory thanks for the gold!!! Looks like my throwaway just became my main
account
/u/definitely-not-julie
Ouch this one hits close to home
521
We used to share our souls, it seemed,

When every day was new.
And every hope and dream I dreamed
Was meant for me and you.
I thought, perhaps, Id thought it out -

But every now and then
There wanders back a creeping doubt
To stay a while again.
Perhaps Im not the guy for here;

For you; for us; for me -
I would have loved to love you, dear,
But no.
Its not to be.
#538 Former prisoners of Reddit, what is something that

no one seems to know about prison life?
2014-11-08 16:28:59
/u/the british fish
Edit: Holy shit I had no idea this would become so big overnight! Thanks for all the
responses everyone, they MORE than answered my question and it was a great learning
experience. I wish you all the best in life and keep those stories coming!
/u/cliche phrase
The worst part about it is how painfully boring it is.
/u/Eddie Hitler
I indirectly know someone who was in a UK prison for white collar crimes (fraud IIRC).
He never felt scared or threatened. . . just bored. There was very little violence or intim-
idation going on even though it was a Category C prison.
/u/cliche phrase
Yeah, I was in a medium security prison, and Im not saying its a safe place by any
stretch, but generally the violence is pretty much self-contained, i.e. you dont really have
to worry about gangs unless youre in another gang and its highly unlikely youre going
to get jumped, beat up or robbed unless you owe drug debts.
522
/u/neonchicken
What entertainment do you have access to?
/u/cliche phrase
Books, radio, TV, and movies on weekends. The radio stations get stale playing the same
shit over and over day in and day out, I LOVE to read anyway, so that was my longest
form of entertainment, but even that got burned out eventually. The movies often sucked
or you couldnt really them well enough to be enjoyable, and TV, well, prisoners love
them some daytime soaps.
/u/adudeguyman
Daytime soaps because of the ladies?
/u/real fuzzy bums
Dont drop the daytime soaps
The room was cold. The air was still.

No word escaped a lip until,
At last, he rose from out the gloom,
And slowly stepped across the room.
I waited, weak and meek and small;

He stood, a beast, at eight foot tall,
And said, without an ounce of joy:
Youd better have your reasons boy.
I looked around the room for aid,

But not a sound or move was made.
A second passed.
A second more.
I said. . . Ive seen this one before.

D:
523
#537 Redditors, what is your worst quality? Everyone
else, how can we spin that as a good thing?
2014-11-07 00:18:18
/u/polikujm1
Edit: this is actually really fun!

Edit 2: woo front page
Edit 3: thanks for the Au stranger
/u/how about never
Im awkward in every social situation.
/u/Caoranach
You make other people look suave as fuck!
/u/TrueNateDogg
Yaaaaaaay. . . sobs in the corner

EDIT: highest upvoted comment is about me being Sad. . .
[SOBBING INTENSIFIES ]
524
Apart, afraid, and lost, alone,

With aching, heavy heart -
I woke each day, and on my own,
Alone, the day would start.
In class, I watched them laugh and smile,

And thought, if I was cool -
Just maybe, for a little while,
Theyd talk to me in school.
In all my hopes, and all my dreams,

I shared their table too -
The favoured friend in all their teams;
The captain of their crew.
One summers afternoon, it came -

They gathered round, and sat.
We talked at last - they knew my name -
And that, my friends, was that.
And so it was my life began. . .

Until I heard them state:
Hes just so fucking awkward man -
It makes us all look great!
#536 What has been the best corporate Darwin Award?

A decision made by a company that basically killed the busi-
ness.
2014-11-04 17:56:13
/u/H0yt
/u/not charles grodin
If were going with recently, Eddie Lampert, the CEO of Sears is one of the best contenders
for the Corporate Darwin Award. Hes an Ayn Rand-loving, free-market ideologist who
attempted to take his non-reality-based style of life out of the lobbyist/Congress rigged
world of hedge funds and into retail. He laid o, cut, and trimmed back everything he
could and forced departments, managers, and employees to fight against each other for
resources and pay under the delusion that the company would benefit from a survival of
the fittest atmosphere. Since that time, Sears has lost half its value in five years and has
closed more than half of its stores, not to mention just about destroyed one of the oldest
525
and most trusted brands in the history of the United States.
/u/AMac2002
This is so far the best answer, because most of the other top ones are companies NOT
making decisions, or not having the prescient ability to see some future success. But this
is someone making a decision, and it backfiring badly.
Commence! Begin! Embark with haste!

Oh clever, clever me!
This business-models built and based
On intra-rivalry!
Forget the symbiosis stu,

And marketize instead!
Weve done this teamwork tripe enough,
And thats the truth! he said.
Its clear as day, it seems to me -

Co-operations dead!
Theres not an I in team, you see,
So how dyou get ahead?!
And so it was he boldly bound

Without a look behind . . .
Then ran his business to the ground,
And never changed his mind.
#535 what bothers you more than it should?

2014-11-04 17:22:28
/u/wtfisdisreal
/u/lnorba
people eating with open mouth and that disgusting chewing sound
/u/StarbossTechnology
The sound of an entire crowded theater smacking on popcorn and slurping up soft drinks
in between opening previews is my version of hell.
526
/u/WhichDimension
For me, the more people doing it the more it becomes a white noise, and it doesnt bother
me as much. Put me in a quiet room with someone eating a bag of doritos and Im likely
to go insane.
As I watched that maladjusted

Mutant moron, half-disgusted,
Half-entranced, as half a crusted
Slice was mushed and diced:
Round and round I watched it stewing,

Slipping, slurping, chomping, chewing;
Rolling down a tongue pursuing
Slivers split and spliced:
Stop! I cried with condemnation,

Desolation, desperation;
Close your mouth, you malformation!
. . . jesus-fucking-christ. . .
#534 What would be your preferred instrument of death

if you were a world class assassin?
2014-11-02 16:41:42
/u/Sharktits1
/u/Iamnotagoodnamer
My preferred weapon is patience. Im actually a pretty famous assassin at the moment.

My codename is natural causes.
527
I am the jagged beating heart;

The problem no one knows;
The doctors note inside your chart;
The pain that comes and goes.
I am the shape you see askew

And stare, in sad surprise -
The wrinkles in the mirror-you;
The fading in your eyes.
The shadows that the scan detects;

The sudden, bloody sneeze;
The symptomatic side-eects
Of some unseen disease.
I am the end; the final page;

The ragged, closing breath.
For I am time.
And I am age.
And I. . . and I am Death.
#533 [WP] We finally receive a message from the stars.

Its a surrender.
2014-11-02 00:25:03
/u/Solafuge
528
We listened and listened, but nothing was found -

No intricate signal, no alien sound;
No link from a world in a galaxy bright,
But desolate silence, and limitless night.
We listened and listened, with nothing to hear -

No cosmic crescendo, no harmony near;
No twitch of a pitch, nor a note from the stars,
But spiritless stillness, and echoes from Mars.
We listened and listened - until it all changed.

A sound in the darkness, a message exchanged;
A voice from the cluster uncharted by men;
Recorded and printed, repeated again.
We listened and listened - with growing despair.

We cede to your mercy, and yield to your care.
Theyre coming, it said, and the message was through.
Theyre coming.
Theyre coming.
Theyll come for you too.
#532 Reddit, what actually lived up to its hype?

2014-11-01 23:32:35
/u/gohjazn
/u/HedgeSlurp
Electricity turned out okay I guess.
529
You know, she said, and shook her head,

It really seems to me -
Theres not a lot inside a watt
Of electricity.
Its such a bore, though Franklins sure

This current things divine -
A volt or two wont ever do
For me, my dear, or mine.
You see, said she, its clear to me

Its sure to miss the mark.
Electric lamps in hertz and amps ?
Oh, no. It lacks the spark.
#531 Dear Reddit , what is a piece of advice that annoys

you?
2014-11-01 17:57:17
/u/DefaultPlayer0
/u/benjtrogdon
Most people have it way worse than you, so dont be depressed.

That does absolutely nothing to help a clinically depressed person.
/u/jubileo5
Saying that you cant be sad because someone might have it worse is like saying that you
cant be happy because somebody might have it better.
The issue is this, depression is the inability to imagine a future worth imagining because
depression feels like. . . nothing. You know that joy you get when seeing something
beautiful? I dont. Know the happiness of being with your friends? Its at most a very
transitory thing. Theres no lasting feeling of satisfaction for anything in my life. So when
they say Most people have it way worse than you, so dont be depressed, **GUESS
WHAT, IT DOESNT WORK**
530
If I could write a verse one day

To help you see, I would.
Theres folks whove got it worse, you say,
But you? Youve got it good.
Of course youre right.

I know its true.
But heres the thing, you see -
No matter what theyre going through,
It stays the same for me.
You see, its not about the stu

That will or wont occur -
Ive love in life and friends enough
To make me wish it were.
Im not upset because Im poor,

Nor sad for something small.
Theyve got it worse - I know Ive more.
I simply am. Thats all.
#530 If we were playing a drinking game while watching

your life like The Truman Show, when would we drink?
2014-10-31 01:28:41
/u/ReturnToTheSea
.
/u/LittleKiddLover
Drink every time I get laid. There, I just saved you from alcoholism.
531
Ive got it guys! he cried with joy;

A priceless plan! The perfect ploy!
Well raise a glass for every day
Our hero gets his end away!
And so they clapped and cheered with glee,

And satisfied expectancy.
They watched all year, till morning light. . .
And went home sober every night.
#529 Reddit, what thought scares you to no end?

2014-10-30 23:39:09
/u/Dltcrazy
In light of Halloween in a few days. What is something that just thinking about it puts
a pit in your stomach.
/u/laurens93
Swimming in the middle of an ocean. Miles of water below you, and you have no idea
whats hiding there..
532
Beyond the deepest darkest plains

That ever thought to be;
A rift inside the Earths remains;
The ever-changing sea;
In wind that cries and moans and sighs,

And tides that burn and bite;
Above the light that fades and dies
And turns to purest night;
The groaning gulf beneath the wave;

The dreadful distant deep -
The drowned abyss; the sunken grave
Where shadows shift in sleep;
Atop that empty chasm, tossed,

And setting sti as stone;
Apart, adrift, abandoned, lost. . .
I fought to float, alone.
#528 What is something you enjoyed as a kid, but now

has lost its charm to you as an adult?
2014-10-25 17:40:33
/u/BulkDarthDan
/u/julianjalapeno
Waking up early to watch cartoons. If I have to get up early, it better involve a paycheck.
/u/AkaParazIT
No one does that anymore. Kids have access to years and years of back to back cartoons
at the tip of their fingers. They watch it whenever they want.
I remember saturday mornings as the best time ever. So many awesome shows you could
watch in your pajamas and sometimes mom would let you eat breakfast in front of the
tv.
Kids in the western world today dont experience that anymore.
533
/u/BroughnutPuddin
They actually completely stopped airing Saturday morning cartoons on the networks just
a few weeks ago. It was a sad day.
/u/wehopeuchoke
Well theres a lot more channels for kids to watch cartoons now instead of just on local
channels.
/u/BroughnutPuddin
True. Its just crazy I guess to see such a concrete end to a cultural phenomenon. You
know? Saturday morning cartoons arent a thing anymore. Now theyre just cartoons.
When Spongebob woke one weekend morn -

One cold Bikini Bottom dawn -
He frowned and sighed, and on his own,
He dressed and went to work, alone.
In Bedrock, Fred and Barney sat

With Tweety Bird and puddy cat -
In Dexters Lab, the mainframe flashed;
The engines stopped; computers crashed.
The Gotham City air was still,

While Tommy, Chucky, Phil, and Lil,
And Ed, and Edd, and Eddy too,
All wondered what on earth to do.
At last, they gathered round, afraid;

No jokes were told. No sounds were made.
They stared beyond their screens that day. . .
Where no one sat to see them play.
#527 What is something someone said that forever changed

your way of thinking?
2014-10-22 17:07:21
/u/AWWWshetz
534
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
I know, my father said and sighed,

Its just a piece of art -
Its rough, okay, but talent tried
Still takes a lot of heart.
Of course, it comes as no surprise,

He smiled and sadly said:
Its easier to criticise,
Than see the worth instead.
Just disregard your scorn, and then

Step-back, and see it new.
He held it up. Now look again.
I did. I always do.
#526 Happens every time.

2014-10-22 16:38:28
/u/CrivilNite
[Link]
/u/serhm
Any time I am over encumbered in a game I have a personal crisis as I try to wade through
the valuables that need to be dropped.
535
Oh welcome to Skyrim! Try alchemy, friend!

Weve powerful potions, if you want to spend!
Theres Warrior, Glibness, and Lockpicking too -
A potion for me, and a potion for you!
Weve potions for knights, and a potion for health!

For strength and for poisons, enchanting, and stealth!
I make them for shock, and for plunder, and cold,
Then trade them for books, and for armour and gold!
Ive potions for magic and lightness of feet!

For two-handed weapons, with dragons to beat!
I bake them and take them, and when theyre all stored. . .
Ive no fucking room for my magical sword.
#525 What is the stupidest thing you were tricked into

believing?
2014-10-20 19:27:19
/u/Steelbeak
/u/Jbones159
Whenever my sister or I would act up as children, my dad would tell us that there were
alligators in the basement. Now my sister would immediately act right, but I was always
skeptical. One day, at about 4 years old, I told my dad Im not scared, there are no
alligators in the basement. If there are alligators, show me! Now being 4, I didnt have
the best command of the English language and I could swear the evening news kept talking
about President Ronald Raisin. So, since I was being a smartass, my dad picked up the
phone and told me Im going to call President Raisin if you dont behave. Whether it
was youthful ignorance or just stupidity, I dont know, but I truly believed my dad could
just call the president of the United States and tell him I was being bad. Once I turned
5, I had no need to worry anymore, because Raisins second term was up, so I figured my
dad no longer had a connection to the President.
Tl;dr - I didnt believe in alligators, but I believed in President Raisin.
536
No alligator, see-ya-later,
Scares this gallant guy!
Theres no one found the world around
As strong or brave as I!
Id fight a moose and fuming goose,

Or monsters, great and small!
Id boot a bear from here to there,
And never scare at all!
I wont be good! I never could

For alligator-lies!
Its just bizarre - you prove it pa,
Before my very eyes!
My father sighed with wounded pride,

And whispered, slow and grave:
Ill call amazin Mister Raisin.
. . . sorry. Ill behave.
:(
#524 What is something most people know/understand,

that you still dont know/understand?
2014-10-18 16:36:23
/u/EndoveProduct
Riding a bike? Politics? Also, what the hell is Reddit Gold?
/u/crazycatlady45
Math. My brain doesnt get it. Someone will be like.. Oh, I was only going 7 over in a
35 and i have to count it out.
Long division? Forget it.
Want me to tell you the distance between myself and that door? Nope.
537
The teacher was saying: subtractions the art

Of shrinking the figure you had at the start!
Weve integers, multiplication, and primes
The wonder of numbers a number of times!
Beginning with fractals and fractions and glides

With locus and limits and lengthy divides
Through vectors and volumes, and algebra-led,
Well process the value with letters instead!
Theres linear systems determined, you see,

With echelon forms of a matrix-to-be!
What say you, oh student of math and of mass?
He stared at me, silent. . .
I dropped out the class.
#523 Teenagers of Reddit, what is the biggest current

problem you are facing? Adults of Reddit, why is that prob-
lem not a big deal?
2014-10-16 19:38:18
/u/CharethCutestorie
Adults: come here to help someone? Sort by new and choose a problem
that hasnt had any replies yet.
Edit: since suicide, depression, mental illness, and substance abuse are such a common
response. Thanks /u/karateandfriendship9
links to resources
For children in abusive households: http://www.childhelp.org/pages/hotline-home
Suicide prevention: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Suicide prevention for Europe: http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/Europe
What is depression? http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml
Huge list of hotlines and resources: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=urgent crisis hotline
subreddit for alcohol abuse: /r/stopdrinking
phone numbers
Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 (a (U.S.) national 24-hour, toll free confidential suicide
hotline for gay and questioning youth.)
Military One Source: 1-800-342-9647
538
/u/(deleted user)
Im 29 so not a teen but I want to add perspective.

When something bad happens to you when you are young it is probably one of the worst
things that has ever happened go you. When we get older we gain perspective through
experience.
Im 29. I have been divorced, stabbed, lost a parent, and many other things.
A break up still hurts but I know life goes on.
To the teens out there. The people in your life really do love you. Youre loved and worth
loving. Life is an adventure. Sometimes you strike gold sometimes you strike out, but
nothing is worse than getting old and not having any stories.
/u/livefast6221
This is actually really good advice. I always feel that your life is about the people you
love and who love you, and your stories. Constantly playing it safe is going to leave you
filled with regret later in life. You only get the one life, and while that isnt justification
to be a moron, just try to keep it in mind when youre thinking about whether or not to
take that cross-country road trip with your buddy, or splurge and go to the Super Bowl
because your favorite team made it or any of thousands of other experiences. Nobody
sits down and tells their grandkids the story of getting up and going to work every day.
EDIT: I believe I am contractually obligated to edit this post thanking the kind stranger
for my first reddit gold.
/u/tru3gam3r
TL;DR: YOLO but dont be an idiot

EDIT: fucking hell I get it hur dur carpe diem
Edit 2: thanks for the gold!
Edit 3: Wait I dont see any gold, you lied to me it finally went through! thanks!
/u/ncbstp
Upvote for hurr durr carpe diem.
539
I learned it too slow, and as late as I could -

When chances are fleeting, regrets last for good.
Dont hazard haphazard, or gamble amounts -
But risk when you can, and be safe when it counts.
Though customs important, you wont hear it said

When people are lying and dying in bed:
I needed more time with my TV and chairs,
Or other such pitiful sorrows and cares.
I know its been said to exonerate blame

For stupid decisions, but still, all the same -
Dont miss all your chances, then long for your youth.
You only live once.
Thats the real fucking truth.
#522 TIL When Alan Shepard was asked what he thought

about as he sat atop the Redstone rocket, waiting for lifto,
he had replied, The fact that every part of this ship was
built by the low bidder.
2014-10-15 18:14:26
/u/whoa1019
[Link]
/u/n8opot8o
Just reading that almost gives me an anxiety attack. Hats o to the astronauts. Getting
strapped into an almost-missile and shot into space would make me shit a brick.
540
So heres the proposition, men -

Well count down slow, and start from ten,
And when the timer stops at nought,
Youll shoot away as spacemen ought!
And then youll feel, beneath your ass,

A thousand tons of burning gas,
Combusting all at once below
From rocket boosters set to go!
Youll hurtle up at lightning speed,

Until you see the Earth recede,
And watch as half your shelter splits,
And loses all its biggest bits!
So make the time to look outside,

For if youve braved that lethal tide,
Remember this, and take a breath -
Up there, youre just a foot from death!
With that, he grinned and winked an eye.

An astronaut began to cry.
So are you in, he screamed, or not?
. . . That summer, space camp sucked a lot.
#521 [NSFW] People in the porn industry who work be-

hind the scenes: How has working in this industry aected
your own views on sexual intimacy and love?
2014-10-15 02:12:33
/u/boredgenius
I am hoping to hear from people who are not actors but do everything else that makes the
industry work. How does watching the o camera and on camera porn stars etc change
your own views?
/u/thebagz
I had a friend whos cousin worked for Brazzers and I remember her telling my friend
and I a story about how smelly things got in the oce (which was just some house in
a regular neighborhood). She said that they were not allowed to open windows because
of noise complaints and she would stop bringing a lunch to work because the scent of the
541
febreeze did not mix well with food.
Id really love to eat my lunch,

But dearest, tell me please -
Have you the salty sausage brunch,
With cream of melted cheese?
I smell a taco, one or two,

With salmon paste and fish -
Oh say youve brought the same with you,
Or some related dish?
For if you havent, darling dear,

Then somethings quite awry.
What seasoned soup was swallowed here?
. . . Im out for lunch, goodbye.
#520 I live in a town where I have been waiting for this

to happen for almost 24 years...Today, it finally happened!!!
2014-10-14 23:58:59
/u/kamehamehameow
[Link]
/u/dick-nipples
Ive always thought it was funny how rental truck companies just hand over the keys
for a huge truck to somebody who has probably never driven anything bigger than their
Toyota Corolla. What could possibly go wrong??
Edit: Yes, I know you can get insurance, but that doesnt make it any less dangerous to
the person driving the truck or the other people on the road.
542
He saw the sign, and thought with glee:

Ho-ho, oh-no, thats not for me!
Its not for this!
Its not for mine!
I can, my man! My van is fine!
And so it was, with endless joy,

He sped ahead and cried, oh boy!
I wont fall short!
I wont get stuck!
He skid, and slid - and did.
Oh fuck.
#519 My uncle just got this at a yard sale for two bucks
2014-10-10 18:08:18
/u/wondersanchez
[Link]
/u/Lillipout
Lady Suzanna Tweed (1903-1999) lived in Coral Gables, FL and before she died, she set
up a charitable foundation to help students go to college (among other things). Carleton
Tweed (1891-1970) was a mechanical engineer and they were apparently living in Coral
Gables on Valencia Ave while Hemingway was alive, but I wasnt able to find a more
direct connection in the short time I looked. Very interesting find!
(edit: updated Carletons death year)
/u/ax7221
I was wondering what he meant by Tweed with all best wishes always
/u/wishful cynic
He just really loved his jackets.
543
Id like to write a book one day,

Said earnest Ernest Hemingway,
To tell the world, from town to town
Across the river, up and down,
And under seas and over lands
Where old men wander foreign sands,
By suns that rise at true first light
For whom the bell should toll at night,
When passing islands in the stream,
The only thing of which I dream -
The only thing Ill ever love -
To have and have not from above -
The finest thing Ill ever need!
My jolly jackets made of tweed.
#518 Whats something you could say to instantly ruin a

date?
2014-10-08 19:40:12
/u/Laambaa
/u/TheAgreeableCow
Pleased to meet you, with meat to please you
544
Beneath the dusky twilight sky,

With distant stars aglow,
He sidled up and winked an eye,
And said: oh my - hello.
Good lord above, what have we here?

How fortunate - for you.
For though Im pleased to meet you dear,
Ive meat to please you too.
I like my salad tossed, of course;

My secret creams divine;
Youve never had such special sauce,
Until youve tasted mine.
Id love to try your cherry pie -

Your bouncing buns, and more.
Perplexed, I oered my reply:
No thanks. I ate before.
#517 Which language is the most ecient ?

2014-10-05 16:24:55
/u/Lewitje
Some things to consider:
How many words it takes to get a message across.

How much meaning a single word has.
What percent of the time would someone not understand or mishear something
(clarity?).
Just a few o the top of my head. ;)
/u/jontantan
I think that we all can agree that it isnt Entish.
545
There she walked, fatigued and yawning,

Trudging slow to school one morning,
When she heard, without a warning,
Someones lonely plea.
Such a quiet, mournful greeting,

Unrepeated, fading, fleeting,
Other city sounds competing
Drowned the noise-to-be.
So it was she turned and peering,

Looked to see what shed been hearing,
Just to spy beside a clearing,
Nothing but a tree.
Huh, she said, and left, belated -

Hours later, had she waited,
Rose a voice that sadly stated:
. . . no one talks to me.
#516 What is the worst thing you can bring to a party?

2014-10-03 17:09:09
/u/vikfand
Thing //
n: an object that one need not, cannot, or does not wish to give a specific name to.
Party /pti/
n: a social gathering of invited guests, typically involving eating, drinking, and entertain-
ment.
/u/rhubey
A piata full of bees and used hypodermic needles from an Ebola ward.
546
At little Stevies birthday bash,

When all the cake was gone -
His dad produced a toy to smash,
And egged poor Stevie on.
Go on! he cried, with cheerful joy;

Its yours, and all for you!
Just smack it, whack it, crack it, boy,
Before the partys through!
So Stevie grabbed his bat to start,

And struck with mighty pride!
He bust it up! It split apart. . .
And everybody died.
#515 Nudist redditors, how often are erections in your

communities, and how are they treated by others?
2014-10-01 23:30:04
/u/CountAardvark
I feel like if I went to a nudist beach, I would just be wandering around with a boner and
freak out all of the women.
EDIT: I didnt put a serious tag because Im cool with jokes, but if youre gonna make a
joke, try to make it about nudist beaches, not just out-of-context boner gags.
EDIT 2: front page and only two four messages calling me a retard, neat
EDIT 3: eyyy my first gold wouldya look at that
/u/SirBigMan
Ive been to a couple nude beaches, I can promise you one thing, it is very rare to see
attractive people at these beaches. For every one attractive person there is about 10 that
get rid of that sexual desire.
/u/mobius1 j
If you see 1 pair of nice tits, you will see 99 hanging dicks in return !
/u/ new to this
They might not all be hanging though.
547
/u/pjpat
Well that raises the initial question.
With all the fervent glee of youth -

A boyish zest and thirst for truth -
We packed our bags with balms and creams,
And hit the road with hopes and dreams!
Theres sure to be, we smiled and said,

In every glance for miles ahead,
The perfect maiden, fair and free -
A faultless form of nudity!
And so it was, our dreams in reach,

We stepped upon the fated beach,
And saw, for every decent chick. . .
A fucking ton of flaccid dick.
#514 So this just happened during the protest in Hong

Kong.
2014-10-01 14:22:09
/u/TrippingFrogRider
[Link]
/u/windouche
Hey, sorry to interrupt, but heres some pepper spray for those eyes.
/u/gregsting
Sounds like Kanye
/u/notyouravgredditor
Imma let you finish, but this is the greatest pepper spray of all time
548
Hey buddy? Peaceful protest, right?

Youre talking? Thats okay.
You sat a vigil up all night,
And rallied through the day?
Well hate to interrupt, he cursed,

But hell, its no surprise -
Though Imma let you finish, first. . .
Ill pepper-spray your eyes.
#513 What misconception would you like to clear up?

2014-09-27 18:38:28
/u/setsomethingablaze
/u/CDC
Depressed people arent usually mopey, emo kids, sitting around whining. Most of them
get up and go to work every day, laugh at jokes, tell jokes, take care of their children,
etc. . .
They just feel empty inside while theyre doing all that.
/u/(deleted user)
Shit I have depression.
/u/catch22milo
It would make me very sad to suddenly realise I was depressed.
/u/rgbwr
No it wouldnt. Its like huh and you keep going.

Edit: Got gold by talking about how emotionally crippling depression is. Not sure how
to feel about that. Thanks to the sender though.
/u/gringo4578
While feeling empty inside
549
/u/Tanman1495
Depression really is a terrible thing that can happen to anyone.

Just talking about being depressed after you have experienced it is hard, because you
cant put it into words. Its just. . . something that has no meaning, or form. Its just
there, making everything you do the hardest thing in the world, one after another.
When nothing seemed to cross my mind -

When silence passed the space behind -
When conversations echoed dry,
I didnt stop to ponder why.
When days were lost attempts to hide

The pointless hollow deep inside
Where nothing found its feet and grew -
I woke one day, and simply knew.
Id stepped my steps while others walked.

Id sounded sounds when others talked.
Id saved a smile to use at call.
I didnt feel a thing at all.
#512 Whats something you cant believe still exists?

2014-09-26 20:58:46
/u/biscuitking92
/u/metallidog
I cant believe a phone book still arrive on my doorstep every year. What a waste.
Huh, someone printed out part of the internet and left it on my porch. . . weird.
550
They stood around where all could see,

And watched with weary eyes -
With cautious curiosity,
Suspicion and surprise.
Perhaps, he spoke, and shook his head,

Its something new from Bing -
I pressed control and F, he said,
But couldnt find a thing.
His brow was wet with anxious sweat -

He clutched his useless mouse. . .
Who prints the fucking internet,
And leaves it at your house?!
#511 This is Helen Mirren age 69

2014-09-25 17:39:53
/u/majorwtf
[Link]
/u/ilikechefboyardee
Would bang her as she watched Murder She Wrote.

Would bang her on her plastic covered couches.
Would bang her then have her send me a check for $5 on my birthday.
Edit: Thanks for the gold! Also, I absolute paraphrased it from 40 Year Old Virgin. Im
551
not original, just occasionally good at timing.
/u/12-34
This is my least favorite Dr. Seuss book.
Id bang her in bloomers of cotton and flax!

Id bang her for kippers, in slippers and slacks!
Wed bang on a stair-lift! Wed bang on a bed!
Wed bang till the dentures flew out of her head!
Id bang her on couches all pungent with pee!

Id bang her to show-tunes and daytime TV!
Id bang her forever!
Id bang her for good!
Oh folks would I bang her?
. . . if only I could.
#510 What is the weirdest sexual advancement someone

has made towards you?
2014-09-21 18:38:20
/u/sitsnshits
Lets here about all the creepers out there!
/u/Lindsaythe
I was paying for parking in a hip area of my city, and a homeless man walked up and
asked if I had any spare change. I told him I only had enough to park with. He paused
and looked at me and said, I met your father. He was a thief At this point Im thinking
that Im pretty certain my dad is a teacher, he continued, Cause he stole the stars and
put them in your eyes and then he just walked away.
Edit: words
/u/Solias
Homeless dudes got some motherfuckin game.
552
Your dads a villain, born and bred,

He spoke, to my surprise:
He stole the very stars, he said,
And put them in your eyes.
I stood, seduced, inside his snare -

That homeless dude had game. . .
Then burned him with my solar flare,
And set his hair aflame.
#509 What is something stupid you did as a child?

2014-09-20 15:36:45
/u/The Vagina
I hope my children arent THIS stupid!
/u/daddydeaner
When I was little (5-6) I was taking a pee in my back yard and my hand slipped or
something. Next thing I know the elastic band on my sweat pants has caught my penis
and pointed it straight up directing a stream of hot urine directly into my own face. To
make matters worse, my older brother and his friend were nearby and basically witnessed
the whole thing. I still get harassed about it to this day.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
553
How well it is I still recall

That bitter taste of woe -
The tide of youth that left me small,
And drowning in the flow.
I still remember thinking then:

This worlds an awful place -
As salty tears ran down again,
And dripped from o my face.
At least they havent seen me yet,

I thought, naive, with joy.
But I was wrong.
They dont forget.
They call me pissface-boy.
#508 What is the most private thing youre willing to

admit on Reddit without creating a throwaway account?
2014-09-18 23:10:08
/u/cellocaster
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
Are you okay? I asked, unplanned -

We lay, uncovered, hand in hand.
Oh yes, she sighed, and shook my head. . .
But something isnt right, she said.
554
#507 Reddit, what were you fired for?
2014-09-18 22:18:22
/u/Beconelle
No judgement. I will preemptively add the NSFW tag.
/u/Skooman
I farted into the PA system at the grocery store I worked at.
/u/DA Hall
There is beauty in simplicity.
/u/Ihmhi
Now I dont know if my life will be complete without hearing something like this.
Attention shoppers. . . *Inception-esque fart*
/u/LittleCucumber
. . . ..that is all. hangs up
He wiped the sweat from o his brow,

And now, beneath a glare of light
Too bright it seemed, he swore a vow
To bow when hed perfected right
The tone theyd hear as frightful sound
Abound disturbed the stillness there,
To scare them, lost, in awe profound,
And drowned beneath his derrire.
The moment came.
He stepped and skipped

And slipped ahead, with danger known
Alone to him. He knew the script. . .
And ripped it through the microphone.
555
#506 Which actions do you associate with a below-average
IQ?
2014-09-15 20:16:53
/u/AnotherDrunkCanadian
Edit
Just want to thank you all for the replies, its been fun reading through them.
/u/thespud86
Posting every detail of their life on social media. If you do this, I assume you are below
average intelligence.
My home address; my date of birth;

My present, pinpoint-place on earth;
My hopes; my dreams; my means; my mood;
My secret thoughts; my breakfast food.
My politics; my friendships feigned;

My pointed comments, unexplained.
My shares; my likes; my selfies too;
My thirty-thousand friends to view.
My contemplative thoughts forlorn;

My endless pics of cherished spawn.
My job, my home, my school, my age -
My fucking life. . . my Facebook page.
#505 Whats the worst most soul destroying job youve

ever had?
2014-09-15 19:11:38
/u/TunaTone
/u/vooe
Telemarketing. So many lonely 80+ year old widows to sell vitamin D to, who try to keep
the call going for ten minutes even though they arent buying everything, and you try to
hang up on them so that you could actually make some money but your heart says no.
556
The pleasures mine, of course, Im sure

Id love to talk a moment more -
But really have to go, he said;
Take care - goodbye.
The line was dead.
She sat, in silent thought, alone,

Then slowly turned and held the phone.
The night was young, and still to fall -
And maybe someone else would call.
#504 How did you react the first time you masturbated?
2014-09-14 00:11:18
/u/I AM COSMO
/u/GrammerNasi
I was late to the masturbation game, and had heard stories from friends at summer camp.
One story that stuck with me was how unfair it was that men only get one orgasm while
women could have multiple.
Fast forward to my first time watching porn and beating it. When I came I was filled
with such shame and remorse because Id just wasted my one orgasm that men get. I
hated myself because I thought now I could never have children.
557
Late at night and smiling sweetly,

So I crept in socks discreetly
Down the hallway, quite completely
Piqued and primed to go -
Google formed a fine foundation,

So I searched with contemplation,
Youthful awe and adoration:
Boobs, with eyes aglow:
Whereupon, with vision blurring,

There I sat and felt occurring
Quite a rather sudden stirring
Somewhere far below.
No! I thought with shame and wonder,

As a clap of pleasure-thunder
Rent my future kids asunder. . .
Still - was worth it though.
#503 What is the worst thing you have ever walked in

on?
2014-09-13 03:40:31
/u/Brandi Anderson96
It doesnt matter, give me your worst!!!

Edit: Thanks for the front page, you crazy fucks! RIP my inbox. And I would like to
say that I am sorry for the few redditors that found family or loved ones dead. You guys
rock for sharing your experiences.
Edit 2: Jesus guys. . . I, wow, thank you everyone!
/u/Starsy
I walked in on my (dorm) roommate jacking o with a picture of his sister in a bikini on

the screen. . . it was awkward enough that he paused to actually say, Wait, no, this isnt
as bad as it really looks! and said he alt+tabbed over to Facebook when he heard me
coming in. Then he alt+tabbed back to actual porn. . . very violent BDSM porn. . . Im
not sure if that actually made it better or worse.
EDIT: The number of people asking me if the sister was hot is disturbing. Who cares,
you sick fucks?
558
/u/thehungrycaterpie
At least it wasnt some combination thereof. . .
/u/Starsy
His sister was still in HS at the time. . .
/u/Bcasturo
Thats even better tell us more oc
He looked around with bated breath,

And panicked hasty click -
I glimpsed the screen; his sister Beth.
His pride deflated quick.
Now listen, man, he tried to say,

With sorry head in hand -
This isnt what it seems, okay?
Youve gotta understand!
Its just a harmless flick,forlorn,

He pressed a tab to view -
You see? Im watching midget porn. . .
And flit between the two.
#502 Reddit, what is the lamest way you have injured

yourself ?
2014-09-12 20:46:48
/u/WaterBoy77
/u/notdomoduro
I injured my shoulder celebrating a goal that I scored.

On FIFA.
559
By the glow of the light of a console at night,

And the shine of a silvery moon,
Sat a figure alone on its crumb-laden throne
In a pizza-box/wrapper cocoon.
In the silence it lay, not a saying to say,

Had you been there to hear it at all -
Not a move; not a shake; not a sound did it make,
Nor a whoop, nor a cry, nor a call.
But the crumbs fell aside as it hollered with pride,

And it hoisted its flippers, and how!
Till it dropped them, concerned, and the silence returned,
And it whispered a tentative: ow .
#501 Whats the most useful thing you learned during

sex?
2014-09-09 01:46:18
/u/just4 2day
What bit of knowledge have you picked up during one of your sexcapades?
Edit: Holy hell did this blow up! Thanks for sharing everyone! WOW!
/u/chickwithglasses
-Always tell your partner what feels good and also what doesnt.
-Be vocal. Noises/sounds make it better.
-Dont be self conscious. Let loose and have fun.
-Make time for sex. Dont makes excuses. Youll thank yourself later.
-Be willing to try new things.
-Give blowjobs often enough. Also, ask for return and dont just expect it will be given.
Foreplay matters!!!!
-Dress sexy or in an outfit here and there.
-Teasing at random times helps build up anticipation and makes the release that much
better.
-Try new places and positions.
-Dont worry about sweat or your hair being a mess.
-Dont let porn be a study guide. RL sex isnt porn.
EDIT: thanks for all the wonderful additions and comments! Im trying to respond
to everyone :) Also, please note that this was an opinion piece based on what I have
learned and what works for me. There are others I didnt put on the list because I didnt
really expect attention on this post. Thank you for the gold, whoever you were! And,
560
last but not least, some clarification: -noises and sounds are great when real. Dont be
embarrassed by them! -I meant that porn should not be a standard to hold sex to. Some
enjoy porn style sex, others do not. Its great to learn new things from what you view
but dont expect sex to always be like porn!! Enjoyment is key! -I enjoy giving blowjobs.
And I am female so I was only answering in terms of myself. If youre male and straight,
use your tongue (not teeth!!!!) and ask for a return. Its okay to ask!!! And if you dont
enjoy oral, thats fine. You can find other forms of pleasing your partner :)
This was not meant to be rules of sex. We are all dierent! Find what you enjoy and
go for it!
Happy humping everyone!
>-Dont let porn be a study guide. RL sex isnt porn.
Is something wrong? she pondered, shy,

To hear a deep, despondent sigh
Beside her tossed and tussled bed -
He cleared his throat, and bashful, said:
Its just, in all the films Ive seen

A session starts, and in between,
Theres ten positions - maybe more -
With countless cries and gasps galore.
In all the films, theyre round and round,

And up and down with endless sound
Of pleasure-filled expectant glee,
He said. . . or so it seems to me.
With crooked smile, she raised a hand -

Okay, she said, I understand.
The problems this - its not complex -
This isnt porn,she said - its sex.
561
#500 What is your biggest achievement in the past 24
hours?
2014-09-08 19:06:44
/u/Jhat316
No matter how small, no matter how seemingly insignificant, it most certainly is some-
thing worth posting in this thread.
EDIT1: Poop. Just Poop. Turns out you guys love your bowel movements and they are
certainly something to be celebrated. Keep the posts coming friends, Ill be back when I
wake up.
/u/Mattyrockzxd
Not me, but my wife gave birth! :D
/u/Jhat316
Congratulations! Did it look like an alien?
/u/ZeppyFloyd
Of course the next logical question would be that.
/u/Sheeppi
Did it have wings like a lion?
/u/Amerphose
Does it have fins like a polar bear?
562
Was it odd and funny-lookin ?

Did it have a claw for hookin ?
Was it freaky?
Was it funky?
Did it murmur like a monkey?
Were there wings for flappin, flyin ?

Did it yell and holler, cryin
Im a baby!
Im a crawler!
Im a human, only smaller!
Was it flat and shaped for skimmin ?

Were there gills for swifter swimmin ?
Tell me truly!
Tell me maybe!
. . . was it just a normal baby?
#499 If reddit existed from the dawn of existence, which

news-worthy event would have created the most karma?
2014-09-08 17:41:25
/u/ASKWEDDIT
Two ways of looking at this:
Current redditors with their current views and understanding.

If the people at the time had been redditors (please ignore the fact they wouldnt
have had the internet, so they wouldnt have been able to vote).
/u/nameless88
Test Big Bang. Please Ignore.
/u/KrishaCZ
> Test Big Bang. Please ignore.

FTFY
563
A single light emerged and spun

In clouds of dust as time begun
To form and shape - to craft a place
Of endless cold and empty space.
The universe emerged and grew

In epic shades of red and blue,
And constant black - of ceaseless night,
And burning suns of amber light.
From out a lonely, lifeless land

Of canyons, craters, seas and sand,
A thought arose, and nothing more -
It whispered. . . test post, please ignore.
#498 Do gay men across the world speak their native lan-
guages with the same gay inflection thats stereotypical
for gay men here in the states?
2014-09-07 20:42:49
/u/scrodici
I understand not ALL gay men talk like this, however a significant portion does.
/u/(deleted user)
I really hope this doesnt get down voted. I asked a similar question once and the PC,
super sensitive Reddit fanatics downvoted me to hell.
This is a perfectly acceptable question and at least to me it is obvious that the inquiry is
motivated by curiosity and not malice.
/u/LetsShareAPaopuFruit
I once submitted a similar question. I wanted to know who proposes in same sex rela-
tionship or just how the process in general works for each couple. Someone got upset due
to thinking I was alienating gay people or something along those lines. I feel like because
people are aware that gay people face discrimination, that as a result, they look harder for
potential unjust when the topic arises. If anything, I feel attempting to be more familiar
with people who live dierently in some regards leads to more acceptance.
564
/u/kjpmi
(Edit: After all that and no one gave me gold?! Lol jk Im not a whore.)
I can answer that. USUALLY there are roles in gay relationships. Usually (sexually
speaking) theres a top and a bottom. Or domestically there are masculine and feminine
roles that the couple falls into.
I say usually because theres a lot of gray area there. For example in bed Im the bottom
in my relationship, my boyfriend is the top. Thats pretty cut and dry and we usually
dont deviate from those roles. However, when it comes to yard work Im the man in
the relationship. Im the butchest guy youve ever seen when Im cutting the grass and
landscaping and shit. My boyfriend doesnt even know how to start the lawn mower. My
boyfriend does most of the cooking and laundry etc. (So you can see how the traditional
male/female roles are kinda blurred). Emotionally I feel like my boyfriend is the typical
guy and I identify more with the sensitive, nurturing, stereotype.
Overall, my boyfriend is still the man in the relationship. If we ever got married Id
expect that my boyfriend would be the one to propose.
I want to stress that the stereotypical masculine/feminine roles are the ones that WE feel
comfortable with (and not completely either. Im not flaming by any means. Most people
dont know Im gay. I dont talk with a lisp, I like being one of the guys and I dont like
hanging out with women).
Many gay people shun those traditional stereotypes/roles. Many straight couples do as
well. Some women propose to their boyfriends. Some perfectly straight guys like to get
pounded in the ass by their wife with a big giant strap on.
/u/EstusFiend
+1 strong finish
There I was, conviction waning,

Lust for reddit slowly draining,
When a question, entertaining,
Stopped and saved the day.
What explains that strange inflection?

So it asked for introspection -
Cross-societal dissection;
Sentiments risqu.
Thus I clicked to start debating;

Intellect-anticipating. . .
Some guys love a strap-on waiting,
Folks - and thats okay.
565
#497 What is the most George Constanza-esque reason
you broke up with someone?
2014-09-05 19:43:17
/u/ArTdEc0
/u/daveysaurusrex
She walked too slow. Wed go out somewhere and walk down the street and Id turn
around and shes like 20 feet behind me.
/u/I Say I Say
This would have made for a great episode. The slow walker.
We used to be the perfect pair,

And every day was sweet;
But somethings changed - of late, I swear
Youre dragging both your feet.
Is this the end? I asked, afraid

To hear my loves reply;
But not a single sound she made -
I sighed a bitter sigh.
I see, said I, and shook my head

To know her frame of mind. . .
Wait, what?
my darling girlfriend said,
From thirty yards behind.
#496 Islamic State kills US hostage Steven Sotlo

2014-09-02 22:13:08
/u/mienkampf
[Link]
566
/u/Ningy WhoaWhoa
god damn, fuck these motherfuckers

edit: RIP to Steven. Everything that Ive read tells me he was a great person and friend
to many. He will be missed
/u/ThisMayBeMike
This seriously has to stop.

Beheading innocent journalists. . . Its disgusting, painfull, and a horrible way to die. I
dont want to watch it, and I feel sick, just thinking about the last minute of this poor,
poor mans life.
Fuck those IS monsters. Fuck them to hell.
/u/DEATH-BY-CIRCLEJERK
In the video he says that a British hostage they have will be beheaded next.
I hope the special forces catch up to this fuck before then.
/u/BryanW94
Was it the same executioner? I dont want to watch the video.
/u/sublimeluvinme
He literally says in the video, Im back.
/u/BryanW94
God thats bone chilling.
/u/rasiisar
every bit of this story is incredibly fucked up
/u/lmMrMeeseeksLookAtMe
It really shows how fucked up ISIS is. Most organizations would hold these guys for years,
ransom them o for other prisoners or what have you. Nope. ISIS just wants to kill.
/u/lofi76
And often even when a group is fucked up, you can look and see their perspective
somehow, but this is just brutal psychopathic fuckers taking out the BEST people on
earth - those trying to show whats happening without bias. Oh, it boils my blood. I
wish ISIS the worst.
567
You bloodthirsty savages;

Sickness of wars.
You think that youre fighting for you and for yours?
You speak for your people
Then draw in a breath,
And sully their honour with violence and death.
You say that youre praying,

And making a plea
But murder the innocent, guiltless, and free.
Your proofs and your truths
And your justice are lies -
A court and a critic? A cowards disguise.
You think that youre pious

But live on your gall,
Subsisting on poison and hatred for all.
Youre nothing but monsters.
Ill say it again -
You savages.
Cowards.
You bloodthirsty men.
#495 What are some interesting original theories/thoughts

that you have?
2014-08-31 17:09:10
/u/NateJC
Damn guys, this just pops into my head and I go for a family walk and it explodes! Love
all the ideas, this is my most popular post to date!
/u/izatobi
That dragons were the result of people long ago finding dinosaur bones.
568
In Old Mesopotamia,
An ancient time ago -
They found a shape,
With mouths agape,
Of bones as white as snow.
Humbaba! cried the bygone tribes -

The monster forged in flame!
A ghastly brute!
A beast, to boot!
A freak of frightful frame!
And so it was they gathered up

That fabled fiend of yore -
But werent to know
Theyd found below. . .
A tiny dinosaur.
Rar!
#494 Who is the most evil person in the United States?

2014-08-30 19:48:59
/u/Merrdank
Edit: After 13 hours Ive seen Dick Cheneys name roll through my inbox more than
anyone. Take that for what you will. Edit 2: Dick Cheney literally doesnt have a heart.
/u/McCann300
I knew a guy whos job it was to go around to terminally Ill cancer patients who didnt
pay thier bills and ask them for money from the health insurance companies. He drove a
corvette with the license plate Pay Up
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
569
/u/(deleted user)
Its reasonable to expect patients to pay their bills. I think its more about the attitude
and the lack of respect towards the dicult situation cancer patients are in which is
implied by driving an expensive car with a provocative slogan.
/u/TargetTango
> Its reasonable to expect patients to pay their bills

Not when hospital bills are so outrageous, how do you expect someone to pay 30,000
dollars for 2 days in the hospital?. Also most developed countries have universal healthcare
with little to no out of pocket pay. Its reasonable to expect a developed country to have
universal healthcare.
I felt her fiery, fevered head -

The first pernicious sign.
Of course, how sad, they sighed and said,
Just sign the dotted line.
But cant you help? Shes hurting, please -

Youve got the means, I cried.
They oered me their sympathies,
But all their hands were tied.
We scrimped and saved for every shot -

For every trial tough.
My girl was sick. . .
But now shes not.
We couldnt pay enough.
#493 Whats your best NSFW roses are red.... poem?

2014-08-25 23:56:28
/u/dloc13
/u/djmarder
Roses are red

True love is rare
Booty, booty, booty, booty
Rocking everywhere
570
If roses are red, and if true love is rare -

Devotion, the notion of fools full of air -
If passions the fashion infrequently found -
Then beautys a bounty of booty abound.
#492 What do you think will be gone in the next decade?

2014-08-23 18:02:49
/u/jerip123
/u/mweigand
If all goes as planned, my virginity.

Edit: Thanks! Did I just get laid?
Another beer? the barman said.

I sighed a weary sigh -
Then rubbed my eyes, and shook my head:
A whisky, rocks and rye.
Todays the day it should have been,

I hung my head and cried;
The last - the final night, I mean,
I spoke in broken pride.
Well this is it - no more, move on.

Im back where time began.
A decade lost; a decade gone. . .
It didnt go to plan.
571
#491 Readit, what word do you think should be spelled
dierently?
2014-08-21 16:26:05
/u/ShitPosts
Edit: Cool, frunt page, thx.
/u/Lympwing2
The word Queue has 4 unnecessary letters.
/u/AlmaTheElder
Hueue
If Queue was Q, as I is I,
To formulate and simplify
This tricky language through and through -
Im sure I wouldnt have a clue.
If Are was R and Bee was B;

If See was C, it seems to me
Id barely recognise a word
Or phrase for letters so absurd!
If You was U and Why was Y,

And meanings never passed me by,
At least Id get the chance to say:
I Q, U C. I Q, OK?
. . . huehue.
572
#490 If you were actually killed by the last person who
threatened to kill you, what did you get murdered for?
2014-08-20 19:04:05
/u/evencorey
Thanks for all the great comments! Im still trying to read them. May you all rest in
peace
/u/Duck Walker
Proving them wrong on an internet forum.
Some slights are slight; some slanders small;

Some snubs of scant esteem;
While some should scarcely sting at all,
Regardless how they seem.
A slur or slap - a scold or scorn

Is simply sludge to me.
Im seldom shook by insults sworn
To shock or shame, you see.
But should you swing beside a site

And steal the upperhand -
Ill stop and swear and scream in spite
To smite you where you stand.
#489 What is something that could completely change

the atmosphere at a dinner party?
2014-08-20 17:38:25
/u/Give Me Bad Karma
It can be something you say or do.

something for the better or the worse.
something funny or serious.
Edit: Wow guys and girls, this thread blew up! thanks everyone that has and will
comment!
Edit: woke up this morning to thousands of replies! thank you guys and gsls! im reading
every single one of them! even the fart ones. . .
573
/u/DogeTehBountyHunter
I hope nobodys allergic to nuts. . . because I like to rest mine on the table.
Frankie Boyle
While passing round the finger foods

And canaps at lunch,
A guest arose and shouted: Dudes,
Let fall your plates of munch!
Put down your savoured snacks with haste,

And listen close to me -
Theres not a finer food to taste
Than what youre soon to see!
Intrigued, the others raised their eyes,

With knives and forks apart.
He cupped his balls and said: Surprise!
My bollocks, la carte.
#488 What is a fact about you that would make Reddit

hate you?
2014-08-17 18:13:02
/u/Alexxxandar
/u/BIGGIE SMUULS
I dont seed my torrents and hold no remorse for that fact
/u/R D
Didnt your parents tell you to seed your torrents when you were a child?
/u/Ultimate Cabooser
My dad taught me not to because thats how the FBI will track your IP and arrest you
for piracy.
yes im serious
574
/u/JustATriangle
My dad had my get a Bollywood movie for him and when I asked him Should I seed it
to help other people get it he simply said, No fuck those criminals
Listen lad, he said that morning

While I waited, worn and yawning,
As the sun came slowly dawning,
Golden sky aglow:
Lifes a wave of rain and thunder

Raging up and over-under,
Splitting every sail asunder,
Backwards, to and fro.
Stand before it stalwart, waiting;

Ever-more anticipating
Smoother seas with storms abating,
When those tempests blow.
Face the world with grit and daring!

Stand up strong and true, declaring:
Ive a heart and soul for sharing!
. . . fuck the leechers though.
#487 Reddit, whats your familys dark secret? [NSFW]

2014-08-16 23:50:21
/u/jamestht
Ive heard some pretty messed up things from my friends, so I am curious.

EDIT: I never thought I would make the front page out of boredom at work.
/u/anthonyjohn95
The reason why my family left Europe was that back in the late 19th century, my great
great great grandfather killed a guy and escaped to America to avoid being hung.
/u/Stepoo
Thats a weird way to shorten your penis.
575
/u/anthonyjohn95
It took me a second to get that but when I did, I burst out laughing. Here, have an
upvote :)
As one, we watched the mountains pass -

The hills returned to planes of grass
That stretched a thousand miles or more
Before the freighters open door.
With pack in hand, my father sighed.

My mother sat and silent, cried
To see it go; adieu, she said,
Then closed the door and shook her head.
But why, maman? I asked, forlorn,

That summers day: that faded morn.
For love - for life, she answered quick. . .
Your father needs his tiny dick.
#486 Robin Williams dead at 63

2014-08-12 01:53:02
/u/KingQajar
[Link]
/u/ryddyt
This one hurts.

EDIT #1: RIP Robin, one of the funniest, most gentle, genuinely likeable people Ive
ever known.
EDIT #2: Lots of good resources in this thread for people dealing with depression. Please
look at them.
/u/youtbuddcody
My heart sank when I first heard this. Ive never felt so heartbroken over a celebrity
passing.
576
/u/joshkg
This is the first time Im actually speechless. I dont know what to say or even think.
Most celebrity deaths dont bother me, but this one hit hard.
http://i.imgur.com/UF5uTIb.jpg
It often seems Ive skipped a rung

Some days, for what its worth.
Ive missed a step - Ive slipped and swung
To some peculiar Earth.
On days like these, those moments tossed

Emerge with careless haste -
To leave me hopeless, hurt and lost,
With bitter truths to taste.
Im sure it seems absurd to hear

Id grieve to let him go -
Id close my eyes and shed a tear
For guys I didnt know -
But all the same - I will a while.

That man I never met -
The man that made me laugh and smile -
I never shall forget.
#485 If you were a spooky ghost, who would you haunt

first?
2014-08-10 20:07:10
/u/Cheth
EDIT: Wow. . . front page!
/u/Gutsinmyfridge
My roommate Dave.
Now there is a very good reason for this. He is probably my killer. But also as a matter
of fact, we have an agreement that if one of us dies prematurely before leaving college,
we haunt the other one.
577
It would be admittedly kinda odd at first, but if you think about it, why would you
haunt anyone except your friends? You get to see all of your other friends that hang out
with one of them (if we can only haunt one person), and you can live your life kinda
normally.
Not only that, but also it would be kinda nice to fuck with him. He goes to get his laptop
charger and its out on the window sill. The blinds suddenly open at 7 am letting in all
the light for no fucking reason. He goes to the bathroom to pee and suddenly the lid falls
down and it goes all over the place. Minor things that would just drive him a little insane.
Also, I would help him out a little bit. Move stu for him. Cook for him. Make up the
other more, uh, disruptive things with more generous things. I think it would cancel out
and be relatively normal.
Also, fuck you Dave. I didnt forget that fact that you murdered me. You bastard.
/u/CasanovaWong
I do say. Ghost life sounds like the life for me.
/u/Gutsinmyfridge
All-in-all, probably not that bad of a gig. Chill out, hang out, peace out when youre
done.
/u/link dead
Thats all fine and good, until 4 motherfuckers kick your door down. You try to escape
but they shoot you with particle accelerators. You feel pain and horror for the first time
since you passed over. Suddenly see a ray of light, it must finally over. You are drawn
towards the light, you cant get away. You claw at anything to try and escape. The doors
slam shut. Trapped in this tiny prison you think things cant get any worse. Somehow it
does, you are finally free of that tiny cell.
You dont recognize your surroundings, the area is vast lacking any landmarks. You sense
that you are not alone, hundreds, maybe thousands of the most violent and disturbed
ghosts are trapped in here with you. Murderers, rapists, genocidal leaders, all of histories
worst and most tortured souls. You begin to go mad, there are no days no nights no time
in this place.
578
They didnt see my pain or tears.

I woke, forever blind.
A thousand heartaches filled my ears,
And madness filled my mind.
They clamoured round my every thought,

And clawed their way inside -
The shadows ripped and rolled and caught,
With every word they cried.
They moaned and groaned and writhed above,

Below, and all around -
For hope and dreams; for loss and love,
In shackles, wrought and bound.
I heard their tales in haunted parts -

Their stories from before.
I felt their broken homes and hearts,
I felt. . .
Forevermore.
#484 Reddit, why would it suck being stuck with you in

an elevator for 24 hours?
2014-08-05 18:10:49
/u/thin slice
Now I know why people say RIP my inbox

EDIT 2: Ive never heard so much about Chipotle, gas and masturbation all at once in
my whole life.
/u/Mrthereverend
Because I would start making vague hints towards cannibalism in the first half hour.
Looks like we might be stuck her for a while, might mean some hard choices ahead.
Survival is the most important thing, and we need to make sure we use every resource
we have. Hunger will be our worst enemy, unless we take drastic measures. Im going
to eat your entire body by the time this is all over.
Obligatory my most upvoted comment edit: Thanks Reddit! I was having kind of a
helluva day and its nice to be validated for my hair trigger for cannibalism.
579
Well goodness me, whats happened here?

Exclaimed the man beside.
It rather seems were stuck, my dear.
Oh, what a shame! he cried.
This elevators awful small

For you, my love, and me -
And Ive no treats or sweets at all.
Oh, what a place to be!
Weve not a single thing to eat -

Unless. . . he turned his head,
Youd like to share the sweetest meat
Youll ever taste, he said.
A ladyfinger - two or ten!

The finest food youll find!
The lift began to move again.
A pity. Nevermind.
#483 Reddit, why would it suck being stuck with you in

an elevator for 24 hours?
2014-08-05 16:54:56
/u/thin slice
Now I know why people say RIP my inbox

EDIT 2: Ive never heard so much about Chipotle, gas and masturbation all at once in
my whole life.
/u/DO IT FOR THE LLAMAS
I took a laxative last night.
580
You going up? I smiled and said,

Then gestured to the door
(In silent hope hed shake his head,
Or choose another floor.)
He slapped his thighs and stepped inside,

These legs arent what they were!
(I felt, in fear, the coming tide,
With vision all a blur.)
You know that famous movie scene?

The lift thats full of blood?
You know it, right? The one I mean?
Well that was us with crud.
#482 If you could attach a GoPro to any human or object

through history, what would it be?
2014-08-03 00:44:04
/u/appledanish
/u/DatWillMister
Jesus. Would clear up a lot of shit.

EDIT: Like if he had a beard or cornrows. Big mysteries like that.
581
With hope and faith; with love and glee -

They held it up for all to see.
With this, they said, well know the past -
Well watch and learn the truth at last.
You see, inside this humble kit,

We saw the note; the holy writ -
A message, cut and carved and sliced:
If found, return to Jesus Christ.
The room was cold. The air was still.

No sound emerged at all, until
A priest arose that fated day,
And pressed the little tiny play.
It started up. They held their breath.

They thought of faith; of life and death,
And watched the picture come and go:
Thats it, they said. . . and now we know.
#481 When and How Did You First Discover You Had a
Fetish? [NSFW]
2014-07-31 17:17:32
/u/SaintOdhran
/u/Omnipotent Goose
I think my fetish is getting shut down by women because I usually end up masturbating
later that night.
582
Beneath the dusky bar-room light,

He saw her cross the room.
Her beauty shone and split the night
From out the shade and gloom.
He flexed his arms, then winked and said:

What up? Im toned and tough.
Not interested, she shook her head.
He whispered. . . thats the stu.
#480 You can ban one item from ever existing again, and
everybody would know it was you, what would you ban?
2014-07-29 17:33:58
/u/JesseThaBest
Will your pick make the world a better place or are you gonna be on a run after?
/u/zorngov
Weaponry. If you want to fight someone, you must use your fists. Just imagine wars
being fought with fists alone.
/u/DrecksVerwaltung
YAY Countries have to spend even less on war expenses!
/u/poop giggle
Just imagine. An entire war fought with guys just pummeling each other with their fists.
583
Below the sun at dawn of day,

With heart of gold and feet of clay,
In armoured plate and shining shield -
He stood before the battlefield.
The war had raged an endless night

Of pain and plight; of fear and fight
And flight - retreat, to pause and pray,
Then turn again to chance the fray.
With woe, he watched that shade of hell,

As frightened soldiers fought and fell
Beneath the blind, uncaring sun -
Until, at last, his foe had won.
What happened, lad? he asked a boy

Who stood beside and sighed: A ploy
Of pain, he cried in disbelief. . .
They even used wet-willies, chief !
#479 What common sounds from 100 years ago are very
rare or just plain dont exist anymore?
2014-07-27 18:55:37
/u/trogdorkiller
/u/limbodog
Bualo herds used to shake the earth.

*Edit: its been pointed out to me that the bualo were nearly extinct by this point
already.
*edit#2 yes, I know they are bison. Also called American bualo. You do not all need
to tell me.
584
My grandpa said his father swore

There walked a mighty herd before
So full and free, for what its worth,
Its coming rocked and shook the earth!
In awe, I pondered at his words -

The thought of roving, roaming herds
So full of life that where theyd go
Their hoof-steps stirred the ground below.
I looked around, from left to right. . .

And saw no bird or beast in sight.
Where are they all? at last, I said -
He sadly smiled, and shook his head.
#478 Whats the stupidest way youve injured yourself ?

2014-07-27 18:44:44
/u/masongr
Holy fuck some of you people are really really stupid. But you will have one hell of a
story to tell your grandkids.
/u/Bahamuts Bike
It was winter and wed just gotten into the house from a snowstorm outside; we were wet
and cold, so we took our clothes o and stood by the fire. This was at my friends house
and so I wanted to warm my clothes up so I wouldnt have to walk around in cold, wet
stu the rest of the evening. To that end I put my pair of socks on the edge of the wood
stove, intending to leave them there for a second.
Well, expectedly, they started to melt. The smell arising from the melting socks trigged
my friend to investigate; not wanting the house to burn down she lifted the socks o of
the stove, not wanting her hands to burn she tossed them as soon as she grabbed them.
I mentioned I was naked, right? Hot, melted sock landed on my dick.
tl;dr burnt my dick with melted sock
EDIT: so for those in disbelief that a sock melted I guess I need to clarify. Some socks
are made with synthetics like plastic as a supplement to more natural fibers. This was
such a pair.
/u/gdaddy1995
Dear lord
585
Too far fatigued that fateful day

To pop my lovers lock -
I took the chance, and chose to play
The mock-shock, cock-block sock.
#477 What is the worst thing to say when seeing someone

naked for the first time?
2014-07-25 21:01:28
/u/somethingrather
Just noticed this thread was in Hungton Post !

http://www.hungtonpost.com/2014/07/25/naked-for-the-first-time- n 5621767.html
/u/(deleted user)
I once just laughed hysterically at a guy. He got pretty pissed. He didnt look bad. I
was drunk, and he was super short with a massive dick. It was dispreportionately huge
compared to the rest of him. Once I explained this, he wasnt mad anymore.
/u/echocrest
Good save.
Why?! I thought, aghast, with wonder,

As she tore my pride asunder -
Every laugh a clap of thunder
Round my aching head.
Is it me? I cried with feeling;

Am I gross and unappealing?
No! she fought for breath and reeling,
Crawled across the bed.
Youre. . . (she spoke with acclamation)

Just. . . (she screamed with adoration)
Freaking huge! (with exaltation). . .
Sweet, I smiled and said.
586
#476 What sexual thing you and your S.O. do (together),
that you are fairly sure no one else does? [NSFW]
2014-07-24 02:24:42
/u/glitchegier
It could be anything from foreplay, during to post-sex or even a random thing but it has
to be sexual in nature.
Wow: This was fun! Reddit is the cutest kinkiest place on the Internet right now! and
bonus My S.O. wants to try most of this stu!
/u/jseego
In an utterly unique and unreproducible mating ritual, my wife will perform a fan-dance
of her own choreography, using oversized foam #1 fingers as the fronds.
While shes dancing, I hide under a pile of blankets on the bed, and outline with a laser
pointer the areas of her body I find pertinent to my plans, which I describe to her into a
walkie-talkie, and which she receives in a headset unit.
Once she has accepted my plan, by ceasing her dance and pointing to the pile of blankets
with her #1 fingers, she begins a sophisticated shimmy over to the bed, and begins
humping the pile of blankets with me underneath.
At this point, I may shout its me! and reveal myself, or I may shout mayday! may-
day!, at which she will immediately discard the foam fingers, pull back the blankets, and
begin administering sexy CPR to me. Or, I can shout frijoles negros!, at which point we
will de-escalate our precoital machinations, and order mexican food and watch a movie.
Frijoles negros dont actually have to be ordered, thats just a code word. Responding
with anything other than those code words will result in her immediately retreating to a
corner of the room to masturbate, after which the whole sequence kicks o again.
Assuming I reveal myself, which is typical, my wife will lie back on the bed in a very
submissive pose and start reciting from the works of discredited 20th Century poets from
memory. My objective, while fucking her, is to thrust in such a way that the words she
happens to be saying when her voice rises form, over time, an exquisite corpse writing,
revealing secrets of the Universe from an extra-terrestrial source.
After the sex, which is awesome, we like to eat petits-fours shaped like the heads of
the heads of the World Bank and the IMF, while listening back to a recording of our
lovemaking, transcribing the words where her voice piques, noting with wonder the secrets
of the Universe.
Also wadding up immense amounts of tissue and carelessly tossing them on the floor for
our ravenous underfed pet to snack on.
587
From far below, the eerie throe

And howling horrors came -
And not a sound the world around
Was ever quite the same.
It soared afloat on rising note

With every mayday! cried -
Until, in awe, I gaped before
My mother turned and sighed.
Dont worry, dear, or fret and fear,

She frowned to disapprove -
Its just the pricks in ninety-six. . .
I wish theyd fucking move.
#475 What is one thing you hope to achieve before you

die?
2014-07-23 17:34:34
/u/j03ll3
/u/petrichorE6
I know its nothing special, but I want to have a long happy marriage till the day I die.
Edit: well, this sure exploded. Glad to know you guys agree with me about this. I know
its not always perfect, but you can never know if itll work out if you dont take the first
step!
Finally, thanks for your replies, Ill be sure to read them all later.
Edit 2: Thanks for the gold stranger!
588
When I was young, I hoped Id be

A hero sailing sea to sea -
I dreamt of shining knights and shields;
Of chivalry and battlefields.
I always thought Id view the Earth

From far above, for what its worth;
I wished Id find a way to fly,
Or make my own before I die.
But wishes fade with age and bend -

And all I want before the end
Is just as hard to find, it seems,
As stars and knights, and hopes and dreams.
#474 Adults who admittedly peaked in high-school,

whats life like for you now?
2014-07-22 19:17:52
/u/TomBonner1
Edit: Apparently some of you are fans of Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia. . .
/u/planification
Last year, at a wedding reception I ran into a guy who played basketball at our high school
ten years ago. He held the school record for most points scored in a game, somewhere in
the 30s. I dont remember. Anyway, a friend and I were talking with him next to the bar,
and he says, Man, I miss high school. It used to be every Friday night all these people
would come, watch me play, and cheer me on. It was the best. I miss those days.
So what are you up to now?
Oh, just working at the car wash. My dad gave it to me. You should come by some
time. Ill give you a free wash.
Business must be going good for you then.
No, not really.
That sucks.
Yeah, it is what it is. Anyway, Im go grab another drink. It was nice catching up with
you guys.
He leaves. Later on, another classmate of ours tells us that the guy just tipped the waitress
with some car wash tokens, and asked for her number. We mentioned our conversation
about high school basketball. Oh yeah, he doesnt stop talking about that.
Reflecting on that conversation, I remember when I was younger, and one of the popular
kids would pick on me, adults told me not to be jealous of them because it wouldnt last.
589
I hoped it to be true. But having experienced the moment ten years later, I just feel sorry
for the guy.
I idolized that kid in school -

His clothes, his hair, his style;
That quintessential case of cool,
All fawning friends and smile.
Its theirs for now, my mother said -

And then, one day, its passed.
And so it was each night in bed,
I hoped it wouldnt last.
And then it came - she knew it would -

But on that promised night. . .
It didnt feel as half as good
As once I thought it might.
#473 You save Obamas life, and he owes you a favor.

What do you ask for?
2014-07-20 16:12:08
/u/TheToddFives
/u/E-B-Gb-Ab-Bb
He has to reenact the scene from The Incredibles where Frozone asks his wife (who would
obviously be played by Michelle) where is his supersuit.
590
Before his third inaugural speech

(A crafty act beyond the reach
Of chiefs before, and all at that),
His bodyguards, impatient, sat.
Hes late again, the captain said,

Then sighed aloud and shook his head.
He placed his card - a diamond ten,
Then sadly checked his watch again.
I wouldnt mind, he said, at all

If just, perhaps, hed text or call -
But no, he cried, and bet a dime -
With him, it happens every time!
And so it was, not far away,

Obama called Michelle to say:
Im overdue, and late to boot. . .
But honey, wheres my super-suit?
#472 What skill is worth the eort to develop?

2014-07-16 17:25:21
/u/Mcdylster33
Wow front page, you guys are the best!! Now back to developing all these skills.
/u/CasterlyPebble
Cooking. It can be very enjoyable once youve learned enough, you get to enjoy your
labors afterwards, and it saves you a lot of money.
/u/mike pants
Also gets you laid. A lot.
/u/petrichorE6
You know what they say, if you arent good looking and you cant play an instrument,
you better learn how to cook!
591
/u/angrypotato1
Is mayonnaise an instrument?
/u/stengebt
If you try hard enough, it is.
Oh go, my dear! Youre sure to find

The perfect match! A kindred mind
To share your days and share your nights -
To roam the world and see the sights!
And so she went. . . and there he stood.

Her date - a man the doctor should
Have turned around, in truth, at birth,
For womankind - perhaps the Earth.
His face was mostly overbite.

His shirt said Hitler had it right!
His eyes were small. His teeth were bad.
He stank of crap. His name was Chad.
Hello! he screamed, with eyes ablaze:

You wanna play the mayonnaise?
Im racist, sexist, bald and old,
But I can cook!
She whispered: Sold.
#471 reddit is filing an FCC comment to fight for an Open

Internet. We want your voice in it as well.
2014-07-14 19:27:48
/u/pinwale
[Link]
/u/pinwale
Here is our ocal FCC comment.

TL;DR
We want to feature some of your stories and thoughts in our FCC filing. As we might have
592
never been founded without net neutrality, were asking you to share in the comments
some of the stories, experiences and events that wouldnt have been possible without
reddit. Wed like the FCC to hear it from your point of view.
Its easy to be pessimistic but the people in our reddit community do some amazing stu
and now its your moment to shine.
Without this fine, fantastic site

To surf and spend my time -
I never would have thought to write
A verse or two in rhyme.
I know thats pretty tame and small,

And trifling as can be -
It might not sound that much at all. . .
But its a lot to me.
#470 Germany 1 - 0 Argentina. Germany win the 2014

FIFA World Cup!
2014-07-14 00:53:00
/u/relativedimensions
[Link]
/u/NewbieMcCasual
This was so much more satisfying than seeing it end in a penalty shootout!
/u/sage x3
Absolutely, I think this is much more deserved like that!
/u/(deleted user)
Beautiful goal too! Worthy of a World Cup. said the announcer on CBC in Canada. . .
Not sure who that fellow is but damn he is good with words.
*apparently I am not
593
The gathered crowd and field of dreams!

The cup and balls! The tops and teams!
The commentators talk, and then -
The World-Cup Final starts again!
. . . and so I sat, expecting more -

A heap of tackles! Goals galore!
I watched. . .
. . . and watched. . .
. . . and waited, bored. . .
While moments passed, and no one scored.
The seconds clocked a minute more -

They ticked and tocked their last before
The hour ebbed in extra-time
And as I paused to pen this rhyme,
So Germany, in earnest ran,
As fast as any German can,
Until, a blur of triumph, fast,
They took the chance and scored. . .
At last!
#469 We hear a lot about entitled youth, spoiled kids,

millennials, etc. But have you ever encountered entitled
elderly?
2014-07-13 17:39:46
/u/panda hitman
/u/senchi
Funny how Baby Boomers are excused from the consequences of all the problems their
generation created.
Baby Boomers often complain that Millennials are lazy because when they, pur grand-
parents, were our age, you could work a part time job flipping burgers over the summer
to pay for your college tuition. And going to college guaranteed you a job. Now? Not so
much. Good luck with paying for even your textbooks on a minimum wage salary.
Were the hardest working, most educated generation. Yet because of the way the job
market is, and the postsecondary education system is, we clearly arent doing enough for
ourselves. Must be because were so fucking lazy.
594
/u/alwaysmispells1word
> Yet because of the way the job market is,

not only that. . . because of the way THEY MAKE IT. Remember, the baby boomers
right now are the ones running the corporattions.
You worked a job through college, kid,

And couldnt fund the fee?
You took a loan to pay your way
In university?
You got the finest average, kid,

Your teachers ever seen?
The highest fuckin GPA,
Whatever that might mean?
You graduated better, kid,

And thought to find your feet?
The world collapsed, and now you say
You cant aord to eat?
Well let me tell you something, kid,

When alls been said and done -
Youre just not trying hard, okay?
. . . you got it easy, son.
#468 How would you like to die?

2014-07-12 17:33:12
/u/populationcontrol37
I just checked Askreddit and its Nr1. Thanks!
/u/themoosehatguy
Floating in a space suit while looking down at the Earth. One last good view.
595
Oh Mary, the worlds still a wonderful sight -

Just hanging there silent, surrounded by night.
If my story ends here, alone, floating free -
I dont think Ill mind its the last that Ill see.
Ive thought of your grace in the starlight, and then -

Id hoped and Id prayed that Id see you again.
I cant help but wonder, if somewhere in town,
Are you looking up dear, while Im looking down?
When dreams are forgotten, and all hope has gone,

When promises stolen, this life carries on -
Ill wait for a while, while the engines run low;
Ill think of your smile, and Ill want you to know:
Im picturing you under warm summer skies -

Im thinking of us, and Im closing my eyes.
Its this that I wanted, but never forget -
Id trade it for you, and a moment more yet.
#467 What is the most ridiculous reason someone has

given to break up with you?
2014-07-12 17:01:29
/u/lady luna
/u/Wickedlove7
Youre spending too much time with your dying father.
596
Your fathers days are almost done,

And you cant seem to see
We need the time for us and fun -
Or rather, babe, for me.
Life goes on, she said with cheer,

And days are meant for youth -
It might seem cruel or callous, dear,
But thats the honest truth!
So leave him be! Hes pipped and passed,

She sighed and shook her head -
Until, that is, he turned at last,
Then laughed aloud and said:
If all we shared was evenings grim -

A dark and painful few -
Id rather spend the time with him,
Than all my days with you.
#466 What uncommon word do you think everybody

should know?
2014-07-07 19:39:58
/u/kupiakos
/u/HonorConnor
Callipygian - having well shaped buttocks.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/sother2
Dat Callipygian
Thanks for gold ;)
597
Outside the university -

To watch the students pass -
A hobo stood in sleazy glee,
And catcalled: Oh! Dat ass.
The student, turned from where shed come,

With jaded, weary sigh,
Said: Get an education, bum!
And bid the tramp goodbye.
A later day, she shook her head

To see him watch her go -
Until, that is, he smiled and said. . .
Dat callipygian tho.
#465 Reddit, what did you learn the hard way?

2014-07-07 18:00:09
/u/MusicCritic42
Sweet. Front page of reddit. Crossin that bad boy o the bucket list. Lots of genuinely
good to know replies.
Edit #2. Not to be one of those guys that says thanks for the gold, but thanks for the
gold. Some beautiful person spent $3.99 on my comment. tears up a little
Edit #3. I now understand paragraphs.
/u/RunningIrish
That its better to be alone than to settle for someone thats not right for you.
/u/(deleted user)
I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. Its not. The worst thing
in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.
This is from the movie Worlds Greatest Dad.
Edit: Thank you so much for the reddit gold, kind and lovely stranger!
598
When I was young, I thought that love

Was heaven sent from stars above -
I thought that love was diamond rings
And sonnets sung on harpers strings.
I dreamt, afraid, Id never know

The soul-mate sole for me, and so
I feared a future on my own;
A life to live apart, alone.
I filled my days, from end to end,

With every hollow, empty friend
That I could ever hope to see;
To stand, alone, in company.
And so it was I thought to find

A better path; a change of mind -
Id rather never second-guess,
Than settle, safe, for something less.
#464 What is the biggest misconception youve heard

about the human body?
2014-07-06 20:36:05
/u/eeokay
/u/dradaheind89
Blood is blue until its been oxygenated. -Every 3rd grade teacher everywhere.
/u/sapunec7854
I tried to disprove this to a group of 25ish year-olds a few months ago. After a couple of
minutes I asked them something like So if I took a glass tube that was completely empty
and magically filled it with blood that has no contact with oxygen it would look blue?
to which the unanimous answer was a YES!.
After I pointed out that I literally described a syringe they looked at me as if I just proved
to them that Mickey Mouse is real
EDIT: Mickey Mouse is real, relax. Its just that those people didnt think he was real,
thats all
599
/u/NayItReallyHappened
Another way is just shining a light through a finger
/u/sapunec7854
The light is oxygenated duh
Come gather round, each girl and boy -

For soon, dear hearts, youre sure to see
The perfect mix (with perfect joy)
Of science and technology!
Without a doubt, Im sure youve heard

That blood in lieu of air is blue,
But poppycock, I say! Absurd!
Its time to test and see it true!
Now we could shine a light or blink

An LED to judge the hue -
But some might get it wrong and think
That light is rather airy too!
So let us start and so begin

With something else: a vacuum-chest
To place the cutest kitten in
And wait a quarter-hour, at best!
Then when its swollen-up, he smiled,

Well take a pin and pop it dead,
Like so - all done!
Stop crying, child.
I told you that the blood was red.
#463 What common misconceptions really irk you?

2014-07-03 15:43:47
/u/(deleted user)
600
/u/loveplumber
Casual use of psychological terms like OCD, schizophrenic, antisocial, etc. People have
made them these really dilute, inaccurate adjectives that really should just be replaced
with things like organized, or moody, or introverted. The misconception is that
these mental illnesses are nothing more than personality quirks and it sort of makes light
of the severity in people who genuinely suer from them.
EDIT: This has clearly struck a chord with a lot of people and while there are many on
both sides of the argument that have already spoken up, theres nothing else I can say
that hasnt already been covered in one of the comments below. The fact is that 1) the
question asked what personally irked me, not what is absolute truth, 2) many people are
impacted by this phenomena as evidenced below, and 3) its also a grey area of linguistics,
culture, and appropriation. That much being said, thank you for sharing your opinion on
it either way. . . this is one of those times that reddit is a cool place for discussion.
I have to sort my books! she cried,

With self-indulgent glee;
With senseless, narcissistic pride:
Im just so OCD!
How random, guys! I smiled and said,

Then left without a peep -
And washed my hands until they bled,
And cried myself to sleep.
#462 What urban legend terrifies you the most?

2014-07-02 20:19:47
/u/Wackylew
/u/VanessaSoIll
28 years old and still will not say Bloody Mary out loud, let alone in a mirror multiple
times.
Edit: link.
Im really surprised at how many people havent heard of this.
http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/index.php?title=Bloody Mary (urban legend)
601
/u/jasongnc
My daughter and friends did that in a dark bathroom. I happened to have a burger king
happy meal prize nearby that was basically a laser pointer that projected an image of
princess leia which I projected onto the window shade of the bathroom from the outside.
Daughter had nightmares for a week. Wife was not happy.
/u/OP rah
But I bet you were.
Upon a leather couch beside

A desk of darkest oak,
She sobbed and dried the tears she cried
With every word she spoke:
Just take your time and tell it slow,

Her therapist explained.
Its over now - its done, you know -
Her smile was weak and strained.
In all my thoughts, and all my dreams,

She said with knotted brow,
I hear his laugh; our haunted screams
Forever - even now.
The dark and dread! The fear! The shame!

She cried and rose to sit. . .
The day that Princess Leia came
And scared us all to shit!
#461 Whats a joke thats so stupid its funny?

2014-06-29 18:17:54
/u/ershy
/u/bob condor
Two cows are standing in a field.

Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing Im a helicopter.
602
/u/Kijafa
Cow 3: Holy shit a talking cow!
When Daisy Moo went marching through

The farmers lands one afternoon,
Without a peep, the cows and sheep,
And roaming bands of coots and coon,
Departed, fraid to see it soon.
They gathered round and talked and frowned

And muttered words of discontent
To see her there without a care,
Where once their herds had gaily spent
Their days with food the farmer sent.
And so they glared as Daisy stared

Alone and sick, before she stood
And mooed and retched with legs outstretched,
Rotating quick, as best she could -
As all had sadly known she would.
And when shed spun her last and done,

They asked, in time, are you okay?
She whispered, pleased: youre all diseased,
Bar me! For Im, they heard her say,
A helicopter - OUT MY WAY!
#460 What are you secretly elitist about?

2014-06-29 00:56:45
/u/Myrandall
/u/TheGreatDickInThePie
Definitely music.
Ha! You listen to that garbage! is what I want to say, but I have to use self-control to
not look like a first-class bellend.
603
Who doesnt like music?

He scoed and he said,
Whilst swirling his wine glass
And shaking his head -
For musics the reason
And musics the rhyme!
Its made for all seasons,
Transcendent of time!
He sipped at his merlot:

Good heavens, my dear!
You only like hip-hop?
How perfectly queer!
Perhaps if you listened
Im sure that youd find,
With finer suggestions
You might change your mind!
When alls said and done,

So he spoke with a smile,
Im practiced in rhythm
And musical style!
So here comes the expert
Perspective, post-haste:
It isnt a matter
of personal taste.
A song or a tune
Or a melody whole -
Should resonate, darling,
And speak to your soul -
For musics a morsel
To savour and sup!
I love you, his wife said. . .
But shut the fuck up.
#459 Who was the worst teacher youve ever had?

2014-06-26 18:35:53
/u/dat q2b tho
604
/u/Twotonne21
We had a history teacher that would insult peoples mothers a lot. For example, hed pick
on a small, unpopular kid and say shit like: Barrys mum is coming into class tomorrow
to tell us what it was like during the reign of Henry VIII.
Hed also watch porn in class sometimes: Hey lads, look where hes putting them mints!
Edit: props to /u/JesusDeSaad for finding the link -
http://www.pornhub.com/view video.php?viewkey=4bfe8f797e14ebc635e7 NSFW
(However, safe for school apparently)
/u/Pizza bagel
> Hey lads, look where hes putting them mints!

This is incredibly perplexing.
/u/straydog1980
Itll be on the quiz next week!
This eras such a mystery -

A bore from coast to coast!
So how about some history
More palpable than most?
With that, he turned a speedy stride

To wheel the TV in. . .
While Henry Tudor moaned and sighed
And writhed with Anne Boleyn.
Now note the fancy dress and ru,

And breath-mints by the score -
Her green-sleeves sure are large enough
For that, my lads, and more!
A student stood and shook his head -

His discontent expressed.
The teacher sighed aloud and said:
Shut up. Its on the test.
605
#458 What is the best thing youve woken up to?
2014-06-23 15:10:52
/u/Puppier
Because that other thread is really dark.
/u/totalrequestlive
My girlfriend sleeping peacefully next to me. That girl makes me so happy, seeing her at
complete peace with a little sleep smile on her face makes my day.
Edit: let me add that sometimes my 3 year old daughter will wake up before me and
crawl in bed with me. Waking up to her saying daddy, can we go play? Is pretty damn
amazing as well.
Edit 2: to clear up a few questions, my girlfriend isnt my daughters mom. My daughter
stays with her mom most of the time. Me and her mom were a terrible mix from the
start, nothing I really want to get into.
When days are hard and nights are tough -

When rivers course their journey rough -
I long to wake and wait a while
To see her sleep, and watch her smile.
It wouldnt matter whats outside -

No wind-whipped world or raging tide,
Nor pain or loss or duty, debt,
Could bend or break our safety net.
Id dream to wake and rise each day

Without a single word to say,
But just a thought - a moments bliss. . .
To think that life was made for this.
#457 If you swapped genders for a day how would you

spend it?
2014-06-18 15:54:15
/u/(deleted user)
Edit: swapped sexes*, commenters made a good point
606
/u/iia
Considering my luck, heavily menstruating and experiencing overwhelming sadness.
Ill brush my hair without a care,

Contented; thats the norm!
Or shop with glee so all can see
My shapely, sexy form!
Ill spend my day the dainty way,

And buy the latest trends -
A spot of lunch or maybe brunch
In company of friends!
A tasteful air of glamour fair,

With beauty, pure and free -
Ill stay for more as all adore
My femininity!
And so begin! I thought with grin,

Theyve got it easy, right?
They dont - its not.
I bled a lot. . .
And cried all fucking night.
#456 What is a rule that is broken so often that it essen-

tially doesnt exist?
2014-06-15 16:18:50
/u/jonathan6969
Edit: went on lunch break and this blew up, RIP inbox
Edit 2: sorry for the generic crappy edit, heres a moustache guy
/u/(deleted user)
Must be 18 to enter this site.
607
In dead of night, I lie awake;

A tempest blows - the windows shake.
My parents sleep a slumber, sweet. . .
I creep downstairs on silent feet.
The system starts - a sound of dread,

Enough to raise the damned and dead!
And while it sighs and cries and whirs,
I wait in fear. . . but nothing stirs.
I wipe my brow at noise unplanned

(With tissue firmly clenched in hand),
And mind a storm of joy and shame;
Of weighted risk; of chance and blame.
And so it is, with bated breath,

In nervous sweats, and scared to death
Behind a sombre, shining screen,
I swallow hard. . . and choose eighteen.
#455 Whats the fattest thing youve ever done?

2014-06-14 18:34:23
/u/(deleted user)
Other than my mom. Everyones done her.

Whats something food or laziness related that you look back on and think Jesus, that
was a really fat thing to do? You dont have to be fat to answer, nor do you have to be
proud of yourself.
/u/(deleted user)
It might not count because I was massively pregnant but I woke up in the middle of the
night, poured an entire box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch into a big glass bowl, threw in a
bag of marshmallows, drizzled it with melted butter and then put it in the microwave to
melt the marshmallows. I then watched Dexter for 2 hours and ate the whole thing while
crying.
Edit: Gold huh? Well this is sure a top comment to be proud of. I shall celebrate with
burritos and sex.
Edit #2: No I will not have sex with you.
608
It rose on spongy tides of ooze

And clotted, cloying goo -
A whirling, swirling bowl of blues
That churned and stuck like glue.
A mighty mess of mallow formed

With melted butter fudge -
A medley sweetened, shaped and warmed,
And microwaved to sludge.
Are you alright? my husband said,

And through the doorway stepped.
With spoon in hand, I shook my head. . .
Then ate the lot and wept.
#454 What film has a terrible message when you actually

think about it?
2014-06-13 18:14:47
/u/tansinator
Can be any film, any message - just has to be terrible.
/u/Kaeptn LeChuck
Many romantic comedies recommend stalking to get the girl to fall in love with you.
/u/Rhamni
When in reality of course you should just tell her youll kill yourself if she doesnt stay
with you.
/u/JohnnyBrillcream
Reminds me of a romantic poem. . . ..

If you love something set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, hunt it down and kill it.
/u/tonygordita
Ramsay + Reek 4ever
609
I spied him cross the courtyard with

A shudder and a smile -
And every time I loosed my shiv,
I thought of him a while.
Of all the men, he stood unique,

And I, his maiden fair -
Hed be my hope, my heart, my reek -
My mighty Greyjoy bear.
And when I had my Iron boy;

When love had stopped the clocks -
Id mutilate his pride and joy,
And keep it in a box.
#453 What name can you come up with that could be

used for both a day care and a strip club?
2014-06-12 21:28:35
/u/BrokenMasterpiece
/u/crustalmighty
If My Father Took a More Active Role in My Life, I Wouldnt Be Here.
There, at ease, I watched in wonder,

Skimpy wardrobe strewn asunder,
Tempted by their perky plunder,
Nobler thoughts at bay;
Quite content to sit there, glancing,

Watching sexy ladies dancing,
Till it was a shape advancing
Came my wayward way;
There she stood with beauty rarer

Than a fallen angels, fairer. . .
Dad, its me - your daughter, Sarah.
Now I strip for pay.
610
#452 What was the most NSFW thing that happened at
your school?
2014-06-08 22:15:48
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Camelanus
A teacher was purposely dropping pencils to look up girls skirts, he got sacked. There
was a rumor that one of the lesbian PE teachers felt a kid up in the changing rooms, also
we had an assembly about how mysterious and suspicious poops were being found around
the school grounds and school halls and as no pets were allowed on school grounds it was
very odd. Turned out a girl was going round just laying turds down when nobody was
watching.
EDIT: Wow there are so many upvotes, this is my most upvoted comment on Reddit,
thanks guys.
EDIT: So a lot of people were asking what school did I go to? Well I think it is about
time I answer, I went to school in the North West of England, I would give the exact
name of my school but I am ashamed of how I went to that school and would like to not
be reminded too much of it.
/u/acheekyrascal
The case of the mysterious poops.
/u/Beast Of Bourbon
The Butt-ler
/u/(deleted user)
The Mad Pooper
/u/Dexter44
the phantom pooper
611
From dusk to dawn, across the land,

Where shapes and shades of shadows stand
In silent, still, penumbra light -
Its silhouette appears at night.
It snis the air and takes the scent -

That figure formed in malcontent,
And forged from foul, repugnant parts -
It hunkers down; its music starts.
You hear its soft euphonic cries;

Its quiet grunts and eerie sighs.
It stops.
It shifts.
It shakes, and then. . .
The Phantom Pooper strikes again.
#451 [NSFW] Redditors who have clicked to fuck hot

local singles in your area, how was your experience?
2014-06-08 16:57:14
/u/mtrackle
Your favorite pornsite advertises to fuck hot local singles. How was your experience?
/u/maccalicious
-Fucked hot local singles in my area

-Won a free Ipad
-Won a gold iphone 6
-Enlarged my penis by 6 inches (Shhhh, Doctors hate me)
-Signed up to free Fuckbook
-Got a FREE antivirus software, scanned my hard drive and found 237 viruses
-downloaded a bunch of new cursors for FREE
Now make $600 per day from home. Overall pretty happy
10/10 would recommend
612
She waited there with auburn hair

And eyes of gold and green -
A beauty fair, beyond compare,
Beside her laptop screen.
A phone? A bride? she sadly sighed,

A job, or tricks for dicks?
Ive all, she cried, with wounded pride. . .
But no one ever clicks!
:(
#450 TIL that /u/Shitty Watercolor is now a professional

painter and caricaturist at BBC
2014-06-07 15:40:38
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
Thank you guys so much for helping to make that happen, I couldnt have done it without
you. I do hope to be more active on reddit, it was really fun and more rewarding than
any work ill ever do. If youre interested in hearing more about what Ive been up to (also
been painting for Intel & Twitter and some books) then I might do an AMA next week.
Thanks !
Edit: Heres the link I was original given when the article was first published, looks like
it loads better http://harvardpolitics.com/books-arts/art-demand/
/u/spuzmonj
snie Our little boy is all grown up!
613
Across the world - across the Earth,

From sea to distant sea -
So reddit sat, for what its worth,
To watch with pride and glee.
They wiped their eyes, each girl and boy -

Twas music to their ears.
They read with love and endless joy,
And whispered through the tears:
How quick it is the artist grows;

That prodigy, by name.
The man; the legend lately rose
To Shitty heights of fame!
#449 Ladies of Reddit, whats the best way a guy has

asked you out?
2014-06-02 20:32:20
/u/xXPhantomXx22
Disclaimer: I may or may not use these. . .
/u/Iamamomwithsnacks
Im probably way too late, but Ill share anyway.

I was driving around town after work, windows down- it was a gorgeous October day. I
noticed two guys in a car next to me, one in civilian clothes, the other in his ABUs(Air
Force uniform). I thought it was adorable that they were together because Dont Ask
Dont Tell had just been repealed. I kept driving.
A friend prank called me and asked if I had any condoms, so I was laughing. We hung
up and I was singing along to a Christina Aguilera song(I Hate Boys). I stopped at
an intersection and glanced in my rearview and saw a man running, full tilt, toward my
car. I was so shocked that I didnt think to lock my doors or anything. He got to my car,
threw a slip of paper in, and ran o. It happened so fast I didnt even really see him.
The slip of paper was a receipt from some dinosaur park in Texas, and on the back was a
scribbled phone number, all bumpy from being written on a car dashboard in a rush. Im
pretty sure I sat in my car with my mouth agape for like five minutes- I nearly missed
the light when it turned green. I watched as the guy drove past me- it was the man in
civilian clothes that I thought was gay.
I went home and tried to work up the courage to call him, but I chickened out and texted
him instead.
I said- Is this the crazy fucker that threw his phone number into my car?
614
And he replied- Is this the crazy girl who is texting me back?
We were inseparable after that. Weve been married for two years now.
Edit: I dug out the receipt to show you guys.
Front: http://imgur.com/mXbEk8s
Back: http://imgur.com/4PR5ZVI I wrote the date on it later, and I tried to cover up
the rest of his phone number and the other stu I wrote(his name, the intersection)
/u/invinciblesummmer
THAT IS SO BRILLIANT! And imagine, if he never did that, where youd be now! I
always wondered how to do something if I saw a girl in her car or whatever, but no longer!
Thanks, and congratulations ;)
/u/ducksfried
She was the only one out of a hundred that day.
/u/KittyKat1986
Dont you dare try to ruin this
Inside its dank and dirty room,

A creature scribbled notes in gloom.
It wrote and wrote - it laughed and lurked.
It got a text.
The fuck ?! It WORKED!
#448 Ladies of Reddit, whats the best way a guy has

asked you out?
2014-06-02 19:39:09
/u/xXPhantomXx22
Disclaimer: I may or may not use these. . .
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
615
/u/Le Pomme De Terre
Wipes tear Beautiful
I still recall our perfect start -

That single, precious line.
The moment that I had your heart,
And you, my dear, had mine.
You cupped my cheek and turned my head -

You whispered, darling, look.
You leant in close and softly said. . .
ey bb wan sum fuk?
#447 What weird trends have gone through your school?

2014-06-01 17:45:44
/u/ROFL COPTER EXTREME
.
/u/Master-Badger-Baiter
I went to a Christian school and one day they gave everyone a personal bible. Bible wars
commenced. We just beat each other with bibles. This went on for a week until the
school had to ban them. Thats right! My Christian school banned personal bibles.
/u/Clown Penis Fart
We got some mini bibles from a guy in RE once. Everyone started hitting each other
with them yelling The power of Christ compels you! And we would go Dont believe,
dont receive.
/u/rainbowplethora
They gave out mini bibles at my school, too. My friends collected everyones and decided
they were Bible Club. I have no idea why, considering none of them were religious. I
guess they just thought it was hilarious.
616
The playground air was cool and still

That morning in the Fall -
But all the same there seemed a chill,
Though nothing stirred at all.
The Skaters slouched. The Hipsters sighed.

The Thesps discussed their art.
The Emos scratched their arms and cried.
The Loners stood apart.
The Jocks had joked. The Prayer-Kids prayed.

The Scenesters took the flank.
The Goths emerged from out the shade,
And gathered round in rank.
They stood, in groups and gangs, in place;

Apart - in No Mans Land.
A look of hate on every face;
A bible in each hand.
The teachers hid - they felt the threat.

The chaplain spoke with fear:
Good Lord, he said, its bout to get
Old Testament in here.
#446 Whats something youre pretty sure has only hap-

pened to you?
2014-05-29 18:27:00
/u/seanthemonster
/u/Jabbazliz
Poverty stricken Uni student, at a supermarket, opened my handbag to pay at the register
and a huge fucking moth flew out.
I swear the wing span on that bastard made a thwock thwock sound as it flew o
I painted your moth

http://i.imgur.com/Xov31ig.jpg
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/u/VladTheSoviet
This made me smile. Thank you.
Good day! said I, as pleased as pie,

With overjoyed contented sigh -
Oh what a shop! Oh what a store!
Youve everything I need and more!
Youve knicks and knacks and tricks and toys,

And souvenirs for girls and boys,
With gifts and games and trinkets too!
Just look! I filled my basket through!
The shop-keep sighed: Whatever. Fine.

Its yours for $19.99.
I see, said I, and shook my head. . .
But all Ive got is moths, I said.
#445 What is something, other than toilet paper, that

youre always happy to see in someone elses bathroom?
2014-05-28 18:29:39
/u/joshuralize
EDIT: my mother is a very nice lady.
/u/pyrexbong
A noise-producing fan.
Its always nice to know that everyone isnt being treated to the sounds of my shit.
/u/MOLDY QUEEF BARF
Its ok, we can still hear you loud and clear
/u/SOBWAW
splash
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/u/DwarfShortage
water touches butthole
/u/explore my mind
Ahh, Poseidons Kiss. Gentle, but horrifying.
Beneath the waves, beneath the deep -

Poseidon slept a troubled sleep.
His minions stood with woe, in wait;
Their days had changed for worse of late.
Where once their master rode the tide

On salty storms, with noble pride
And trident aimed at every ship,
He simply slept: hed lost his grip.
Where boats had sunk to early graves

From pulverising winter waves
Bestirred from old Poseidons hand,
He never moved; they reached the land.
Hes not the same, a minion said,

Then sighed aloud and shook his head.
The boss has changed; this job, I mean. . .
Im sick of kissing assholes clean!
#444 What is the worst experience youve had on public

transport?
2014-05-27 18:29:19
/u/Slenderauss
Thanks for all your replies! Im enjoying reading them all!
/u/ImAssuming
I fell asleep on the train and ended up at the last stop. On the way back I fell asleep
again and woke up in the other last stop.
619
/u/LaLongueCarabine
Ross?
Beside a station stop at night -

The season, frozen cold -
A crowd drew up beneath the light,
To hear a story told:
They say he came from Illinois -

The travllin man, I mean.
The wanderer - the gypsy boy;
The rollin ramblin teen.
He packed his bags one lonesome day,

With leavin on his mind -
Then stepped his own wayfairin way,
Without a glance behind.
They say, with just the clothes he wore,

He travelled every track;
A million miles or maybe more,
And never lookin back. . .
A shape emerged and shook its head;

That man - the tracks he crossed?
Thats me. I fell asleep, he said.
. . . Im really fucking lost.
#443 Whats something Reddit is wrong about, and you

wish theyd listen?
2014-05-25 16:31:11
/u/lukeyflukey
/u/StickleyMan
This may sound crazypants, but someone can be a perfectly intelligent, rational, kind
person and still completely and utterly disagree with your opinion on something. Shit,
they can even (I hope youre sitting down for this one) be religious and have a strong
faith in god, and the same principles still apply.
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That isnt true for me, but you -

And honestly? Thats fine.
I know youve got your point of view,
And youre aware of mine.
Although, of course, it seems to me

That my perspectives right -
Well just agree to disagree. . .
Said no one on this site.
#442 You can strategically place a potato in any time and

place in human history. Where and when do you choose?
2014-05-24 16:44:12
/u/(deleted user)
Once you place the potato, you must return to the present
No fictional lands allowed, only earth
You may only place the potato in the future or the past
/u/RedditDetector
Inside Hitlers brain in 1933.

Death by potato.
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I have a plan, so spoke the man,

To change the span of times domain!
A game of joy; the perfect ploy
To damned destroy that fascists reign!
Oh yes? said I, with weary sigh,

And rolling eye: Thats good to hear.
But have you thought (perhaps you ought) -
Youre kinda fraught with crazy, dear?
A spud ! he said. Inside his head

To make him dead and take his place!
. . . thats pretty weird.
He stroked his beard. . .
Then disappeared without a trace!
#441 What ancient weapons would still be practical to-

day?
2014-05-22 17:53:33
/u/Chaperoo
I like to think that there are some that could still be used.
/u/RalphiesBoogers
Taking into assumption the history channel is accurate, alien lasers.
622
Within the sight of younger skies

And aeons ages passed;
To stranger calls and bygone cries
From mighty mammoths vast;
Beside an early summers breeze

That stirred an ancient ground;
Amidst a clearing nearest trees
Where cavemen gathered round;
Beneath the timeless glow of stars

In darkest shade of nights -
It stood in arms, that man from Mars. . .
Eat laser, troglodytes!
#440 What moment in your life can you look at and say,
thats when everything changed?
2014-05-21 18:08:11
/u/motivatinggirae
sometimes its easy to get overwhelmed with how hard and endless lifes challenges seem,
but reading through your replies reminds me that people can do extraordinary things and
overcome more than we could imagine. your stories are amazing.
oh and i dont know what the fire nation is or why it attacked but yay! :)
/u/bobroland
Its 1986 and there are two girls at a party standing next to each other that Im interested
in. One blonde, one with raven black hair. I chose the one on the right. Everything
changed.
Had I picked the blonde girl, we would have had a good time, then moved on. I would
have moved on when college started, having a good career as a lawyer. Eventually I would
have met someone to marry, settled down and lived a very nice upper middle class life.
Instead I went right. We fell madly in love in one of those toxic and explosive kinds of
relationships. I decided against moving out of state for her, and decided to go to a lesser
school for journalism. We would both drop college entirely, deciding instead to just get
married. She left me for another man two months before the marriage, moving all her
belongings out of the apartment while I was at work as a bartender. I wouldnt see her
again for twenty three years.
Well, I tried finding solace at the bottom of a bottle. I sought release in drugs. I packed
what I had and hit the road. I would spend the next five years hitch hiking. I worked
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as a juggler, a fortune teller, a carnival barker, a farmer, a shaman, a repo man, a drug
dealer and a beggar. Hell, I worked a hundred jobs, and lived in so many cities I cant
keep track. I got to drink my full of the world.
Eventually I settled down. I became a family man. Worked as a game designer, a teacher,
a writer. Ive been rich, and Ive been poor. My years on the road taught me more than
I could have learned in a lifetime at school. By going mad, I became sane.
I know theres another version of myself. He chose the woman on the left. He never lived
in a monastery, or walked the length of Central America. He never spent weeks in sweat
lodges, taking compounds that would let him touch the divine. He had never gotten to
taste the feeling of certain death. I dont think he fell in love with the world like I am. I
worry about him, really. What a drab life.
One moment. One choice. Everything can resonate from it.
Edit: Thanks folks. Didnt realize this story would strike a chord with so many. I want
to stress that I dont honestly feel the left or the right path have any intrinsic value other
than to myself. Theres no single correct way to find happiness. I know what made me
happy. Everyone has to find their own way.
A number of people have asked about seeing the woman again. My reply got downvoted,
but, basically, we did meet again. Over two decades later and I still loved her. I imagine I
always will. We fell into a whirlwind aair, like we had never parted. Love feels dierent
when youre older, but this felt as raw and primal as when we were teens. Sadly, the past
might be fun to visit but its not healthy to live in it. Our lives were too dierent. We
parted, and I doubt Ill see her again. No hard feelings on anyones part.
/u/OmegaTres
http://xkcd.com/584/
I sometimes think I see his face -

The man without a voice.
The man who walks another place,
Divided by a choice.
Perhaps he never made the same

Mistakes across the years -
He never felt an addicts shame
In broken pride and tears.
Perhaps he wed the perfect wife,

And sailed across the sea.
Perhaps he led a better life.
Who cares?
He isnt me.
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#439 TIL a 57yo Japanese man has been learning to
SCUBA dive specifically so he can look for his wifes re-
mains after she was presumably swept away during the 2011
tsunami. He says her last email to him was ... I want to
go home, and he is determined to make that happen.
2014-05-18 17:56:13
/u/TheCannon
[Link]
/u/Yanrogue
That is romantic and all, but her body has already been decayed to the point of just
bones and collecting any of them in a body of water that large is impossible.
/u/jessewc
Disappeared to do some research and came back and you had already posted! Anyways,
heres some research for those interested. Warning: does show images of decaying animals.
/u/(deleted user)
This information makes his quest to find her corpse more depressing than it already is.
The odds arent in his favour. She must have been one hell of a woman.
No matter what the chances are -

The odds and favour, near and far -
Where winter waves of water wind,
Ill look for you, in hope to find.
Beneath the deep - beneath the sea -

I know youre waiting, lost, for me.
Just hang on tight beneath the foam.
It wont be long.
Ill bring you home.
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#438 McDonalds employees, what is the worst thing that
has ever happened in the PlayPlace?
2014-05-17 22:56:40
/u/Alex34567890
Thanks for the replies everyone! Didnt realize McDonalds was such a shitty place.
/u/manboobsonfire
kids literally take their happy meals in there and forget. Heavier things are always at the
bottom (cheeseburgers) then there is a layer of chicken mcnuggets and such. 50% of the
ball pit is in fact edible. 25% balls. 25% poop
Said Hobo A to Hobo B:

Im heading out for lunch -
How bout a little meal with me?
A spot or two of brunch?
I know a place not far away

With fine cuisine and things!
A picnic picked for every day,
With feasts all fit for kings!
Said Hobo B to Hobo A:

How wonderful! How grand!
Im packed and ready - lead the way,
With knife and fork in hand!
And so it was they ate inside

A nest of cheese and crumbs -
Until the supervisor cried. . .
Get out, ya filthy bums!
#437 Women of reddit, what is the craziest thing you

have ever seen at a bachelorette party?
2014-05-16 23:01:11
/u/redefine19
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/u/FireLordOzai
From the last time this question was posted: /u/8inchrookie

Male stripper here. Ive done a few bachelorette parties and one I did happens to be one
of the most drab experiences in my life while another is probably the craziest fucking
night of my life.
I did a house call in Highlands Ranch, a wealthy suburb just outside of Denver. This
young woman (probably 24 or 25) was marrying a very wealthy older man and he gave
her and her girlfriends the house for the weekend.
I show up, and its business as usual. They asked for the military theme so thats what
I was wearing. I got oered a drink and accepted it because I normally enjoy myself and
then have a cab pick me up and take me to a hotel when I do shows in Denver.
Anyways this particular drink seemed stronger than normal but I didnt think anything
of it. Music starts playing and Im putting on my opening show, tips are flying at me in
the middle of the living room, a couple women throw their panties at me, all still pretty
normal. The routine ends and Im rocking a mankini. The women were very receptive
so I figured this was a good time for lap dances. On my third dance, I started noticing
that everything was kind of heightened, and I began noticing just how much alcohol these
girls were pounding. The third girl was the first to start kind of sucking me o a bit and
I noticed it felt wayyyyy better than normal. Thats about the moment when I realized
they slipped something in my drink. The fourth girl was super touchy feely and I realized
they were on whatever the hell it was that I was on, so instead of freaking out and leaving
I decided to just go with it.
I stopped giving personal dances after the fourth girl and changed into my sailor outfit for
the second routine. I could feel the music moving through me and I knew I was rolling o
my ass, but the girls were way into it and I thought I gave a more intimate performance.
The bride to be got up just after I gave a sneak peek to the whole crowd. I finished
up that routine and was again in that awful mankini so I started giving out lap dances
again. I was doing a double for two women who seemed to be just as into eachother as
they were into me when I heard the bride to be call out my performing name. I turned
and I shit you not this girl is standing in the doorway with nothing on but a whip cream
bikini. Just like that scene in Varsity Blues. She has a fat stack of Benjamins in her hand
and announces that its her turn to play with me. I put my mankini back on and walk
over to her while the other girls are cheering at the top of their lungs, and she throws the
hundreds into my bag on the table and walks up to me and is just kissing the Fuck out
of me. Normally this is a HUGE no no, but:
1. This girl was stupidly hot

2. She was enacting a fantasy Id had since middle school with the whip cream and
3. I was absolutely fucked up o my ass.
So I started licking the whip cream o her, then she sucked my dick to get it completely
hard, while the other women chanted for her to fuck me. So we Fucked. When we finished
she gave me her phone number and told me to keep playing with the other girls. So I did.
This basically ends like one of those stories no one would believe. I ended up fucking 17
of the 23 women there, with all but one of those 23 at least sucking my dick, came in two
of them, didnt leave the house until three thirty in the afternoon, earned just under 4
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Grand that night, and the bride to be (now bride) and I have met up a couple times at
hotels since then because apparently her 70 year old husband cant Fuck at all.
So ya. But that was by far the craziest. They normally arent like that.
/u/Killer Khalsa
I have such a jealous boner right now.
Im sorry dude, he said and sighed,

To leave you feeling bad -
Its just a tale of lust, he cried,
And shouldnt make you sad.
The other gave his eyes a wipe

And spoke with weary drawl:
Im really not the jealous type,
And couldnt care at all.
In fact, its pretty lame,he said,

And twenty women? Please.
The other sighed and shook his head. . .
Your penis disagrees.
#436 What is the greatest weakness of humans?

2014-05-13 15:24:06
/u/Zorlok the Conquerer
I am just wondering what makes the human race vulnerable. That is all.
/u/cdc194
The fact that we use the same hole to breath and eat has killed quite a bunch of people.
Edit: Okay, I understand you can eat with your mouth and breathe through your nose,
but that doesnt matter when you have a hotdog stuck in your epiglottis.
Edit 2: Okay it would be stuck in a larynx but the epiglottis is the asshole that let it go
there.
628
Hey Mother Nature - whats the deal?

You know, it seems with every meal
I take a bite, then take a breath -
And always almost choke to death!
Between the fallen leaves from trees

That spun upon a summers breeze,
Her answer came - a sigh instead.
Just try to fucking chew, she said.
#435 Older generations of reddit, what did you think the

future would look like when you where young? And how
much of it was correct?
2014-05-11 18:07:58
/u/vaaern
/u/LearningLifeAsIGo
Grew up during the Cold War. I honestly didnt expect wed all still be here.
629
What will the future look like, son?

My father said to me.
When all these days are passed and done,
What will you want to be?
A fighter-pilot ace by day,

And green beret by night?
A physicist to lead the way
In every field and fight?
Or will you stand in arms and burn

The orders from above?
A chance to change? A chance to turn
For armistice and love?
If all of time was shown unmasked

Through some transcendent scope,
Where would you want to be? he asked.
Just here, I said. . .
I hope.
#434 If you could ask your SO one question, that they

had to answer truthfully, and afterward they would forget
that you asked, what would you ask them?
2014-05-08 01:34:33
/u/kirishoru
/u/trexrocks
What is your reddit username?
630
Whats your handle, darling dearest?

So I asked, intrigued to find
All his posts, and so the nearest
Evidence hed left behind.
There Id see his secret passions -

Lusts and loves and hopes and dreams;
Ladies wrapped in scanty-fashions,
Bursting at their shapely seams.
Maybe hed have dropped his dentures

For a man of wit and whim -
Telling tales of false adventures
Through some self-made pseudonym.
Maybe he - to acclamation,
Votes and gildings by the tons -
Formed the stu of adulation,
Posting gifs and pics and puns.
Thus, with merry disposition,

So it was I took a look.
There it sat, his top submission:
Heres my cumbox.
. . . what the fuck ?!
#433 What is a hobby youve always wanted to explore,

but dont know the correct gear or steps to go through to
start?
2014-05-07 17:42:17
/u/hazier
Lets help each other out a bit :)

EDIT: wooooow, this kinda blew up really quickly! cool! my poor inbox! Im o to bed
Reddit, but Ive had a lot of fun reading all these answers, make sure you sort the thread
by new as well cause there is some really cool, original stu getting buried down there
that Id love someone to be able to get a bit of guidance for!
EDIT 2.0: Okay I lied I didnt go to bed, Im honestly having too much fun reading
this all. A ridic amount of you want to try glassblowing, falconry and blacksmithing.
Which is really fucking cool. Obligatory you guys got this to the front page in less than
3 hours which is also really fucking cool, thanks!!! Someone buried right in the depths of
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the comments mentioned that this is what they love about Reddit in the sense that its
people taking the time out of their day to help others, just because of shared interests,
its been really lovely to see it all unfold and explode, and now Im o to bed for real
cause its 3am and I have class in 7 hours! (anyone got tips and tricks regarding time
management?)
Thanks again guys and gals :)
/u/thespt
Woodworking. It seems like nice slow paced, rewarding work.
/u/BlakeClass
Something my girlfriend knows nothing about.
/u/chadridesabike
You must be a pro then.
/u/BlakeClass
Id consider myself more of a Handyman.
632
Although my girlfriends unaware -

Or doesnt seem at all to care
For jobs shed really rather skip. . .
I think she ought to get a grip.
She never tries to understand,

And so I sit with head in hand,
And think, though few in truth compete -
In this, at least, Ive got her beat.
Just think! I say, and think it through!

Ill oer up a hand or two,
And more besides, so whats the harm?
Ive years of skill in every palm!
Its hard, she says, oh cant you see?

I say: I know - youre telling me.
But you, youre made of stronger stu,
And tests are good, and this ones tough.
Ill show you round the bends and twists

With wisdom oozing from my fists
As fast any person can,
For Im -
Yes, Im -
The Handyman.
#432 What is the female equivalent of a neckbeard?

2014-05-06 19:13:11
/u/(deleted user)
/u/jurymast
The female equivalent of a neckbeard is a Not-Like-Those-Other-Girls girl. Yeah, youre

a female, but youre not like. . . you know, those other girls. Other girls are stupid and
vapid, and only care about boys and shopping. Other girls only watch Sex and the City,
and their favorite activities are gossiping and stabbing each other in the back. Other girls
are sluts who wear tacky clothes and too much make-up and have no self-respect.
Youre not like that. You watch anime (subs only, of course) and play video games. You
dont read Twilight or any of those shitty paranormal romance novels. You read comic
books and ASoIaF (which you liked before the show, tyvm). Youd rather fling yourself
o an overpass than wear something girly or pink. All your friends are guys, and they
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know youre one of them; youre one of the cool girls. Youre smarter than all those
ditzy popular girls, and that makes you better than them. Youre a unique and special
snowflake amongst a sea of clonebot Other Girls, and maybe, just maybe, one day some
cute nerdy guy will see you for the catch you are, and be the Derp to your Derpina.
/u/Quickles
This sounds like a more appropriate description than simply fat and/or hairy women. It
seems to be a self-righteous person with a defiant superiority complex who tries to cover
their perceived lack of social acceptance by taking up perceived socially unacceptable or
alternative activities.
/u/jurymast
Thats more or less what I was going for - people who cling desperately to the quirky,
unique, etc. talismans around which they have constructed their identity, and who use
these as a means of justifying their sense of superiority while strenuously rejecting any
kind of identification with the plebs (Im a nice guy, not like those bad boy assholes
women fall for! tips le fedora / Im not like those other girls, Im a cool girl!).
/u/emorrell
Jeez do these people exist beyond the age of 15?

edit: Ok! I believe you all!
/u/jurymast
Youd be surprised. That said, high school tends to be where it peaks, and often where
you get the more generic sort of NLTOG girls as described above.
After high school, most tend to get over themselves; however, those that dont really
double down on it, and tend to specialize somewhat as far as their special snowflake
hobby/identifier (gaming, science, sci-fi, whatever).
/u/t0f0b0
High school never ends. It just attempts to disguise itself as workplace interaction and
politics.
Edit: Thanks for the gold whomever it was!
634
Beneath a spinning fan above -

Upon a leather seat -
She sits and speaks of teenage love,
And memories, bittersweet.
My class was cliques, and no one cared -

My days and nights were black.
The others laughed and jeered and stared,
Or talked behind my back.
Her therapist inclines his head:

Enough of broken hearts -
When high schools done, he smiles, instead,
The healing process starts.
She laughs aloud. She laughs and cries

For loss; for faults; for friends.
But dont you see? she says and sighs. . .
It never, ever, ends.
#431 What are you that guy about?

2014-05-05 19:02:51
/u/resounding maybe
/u/MagisterHaseo
Im That Black Guy/Friend everyone has. The classic token, approachable black guy
that all white people know. Im also usually peoples first black friend.
edit: Holy shit, Im a Wayne Brady. . .
edit2: No, Im not ****your**** token black friend, I am just a token black friend. My
last name rhymes with Slavery, so that should help.
edit3: I really must thank whoever gave me gold! Im totally not worthy enough for this!
But youre awesome! Everyone here has been great, its like a mini ama here. Your all
part of the fold now, baby!
/u/thedanyon
Im looking for an entry-level black friend. . . what can you do for me?
Cool hand shakes, not smiling during pictures, the secret to dunking, a few dance moves,
and immediate street-cred to any situation.
Done.
635
Edit: Holy shit. . . Im friends with a Wayne Brady.
/u/PM me your blackcock
When I started college, I was one of the only black people at my college full of mostly very
rich kids so everyone assumed I was bad ass. When my friends would get into arguments
in the club, I would just roll up and say, Yo Katie, we got a problem here? The other
person would just lift their hands up and oer to buy me a drink as they walked away.
Only time in my life Ive ever been feared.
edit: I am indeed a female. And way too short to be feared by anyone.
/u/electrogoof
Have an upvote. I dont want any troubld
Alright? I say, and sip my beer,

What up? We got a problem here?
He slowly turns. His fingers twitch.
He says: We do now, punk-ass bitch.
The music cuts, and heres the deal -

Hes six-foot-eight with arms of steel.
I say, in awe, with legs of stone:
So Katie, yeah. . . youre on your own.
#430 Whats the single biggest mistake parents can make

in raising their children?
2014-05-02 01:28:44
/u/masticatepescetarian
/u/Oxus007
Trying to earn their friendship instead of their respect.

EDIT: Seems a lot of you can relate to this. For some clarification, Im not saying parents
shouldnt have fun with their kids. Rather, weve all seen those parents who wants to be
a bro to their son, or be one of the girls to their daughter. Kids need guidance from
an adult. I was great friends with my dad before he died, but I was into my twenties as
we developed that friendship.
636
Hey buddy-o! Whats cooking, man?

Whats going on, and whats the plan?
Whats happening, my nizzle-fool?
Oh yeah, you know.
Im hip.
Im cool.
Ive finished work, so lets get stones !

Well buy some hash from Mr. Jones
(Whos only seven streets along),
And share a joint !
Or bowl !
Or bong !
Lets take a ride in neighbours cars,

Or play it loose, and hit the bars
In leather coats and pants and boots.
You using Mybook?
Facespace?
Twoots?
He stood and grinned. I shook my head -

Just listen for a while, I said:
Though friends are great, I whispered, sad,
Ive got enough.
I want. . .
A dad.
#429 Have you ever delivered a burn so good that even

the person it was supposed to oend was impressed?
2014-04-30 17:30:22
/u/iEzhik
/u/Babysitter2ndClass
We knew a guy who stuttered, Ill call him John. One day another friend was teasing
someone who had slept with a girl who was considered a skank. He said, Shes got
more STDs than John reciting the alphabet. That not only got a laugh out of everyone,
including John, but also the guy who slept with the skank.
637
Shes got more STDs, he said,

Than Johnnys stuttered alphabet!
Then laughed aloud and shook his head
With boastful pride I cant forget.
The others clapped their thighs and shook

With mued mirth and stood in place;
A friendly glance in every look -
And pity too on every face.
And so I laughed - and laughed away

The shame to leave it all behind.
I laughed, that is, until the day
That r-
revenge wa-
. . . nevermind.
#428 On my recent trip to Indonesia, I got to feed the

worlds deadliest animal. Heres a picture.
2014-04-30 14:46:05
/u/thisisbillgates
[Link]
/u/hurdur1
Did not read the user name and was wondering why Bill Gates or a Bill Gates lookalike
was the worlds deadliest animal.
Its not the giant beasts of prey

That hunt you in the dark -
Its not the deadly Manta Ray -
Its not the Great White Shark.
Its not the snake, for what its worth,

That bides its time and waits -
The most malignant life on Earth
Is Bill. . .
. . . Bill fucking Gates.
638
#427 People with no job or school to go to, what do you
do all day?
2014-04-27 15:25:55
/u/TheDonFather
Edit: I finally did it. I reached the front page! Thank you all. I asked the question
because Im going to graduate soon and have no idea what to do with all my free time. I
have a job, but its a night shift. Thanks again for all the feedback.
Edit 2: Gold?! Oh my!!! Thank you :D
/u/Broken Limb
I spend my days alone. I wake up at the crack of dawn and begin making coee for me,
myself and I. I then sit down and read the newspaper because frankly, it makes me feel
like I have a connection to the outside world. Later on in the day, and this is where
it gets sort of weird, I like to masturbate. Not any sort though, no, not your normal
wanking. I like to undress myself and walk around my tiny apartment and find suitable
pieces of furniture that would feel good on my penis. Im not ashamed to say that I fuck
my furniture. Thats what I do.
TL;DR Fuck your couch
Thank you, again, to the kind stranger out there who gave me another great
batch of gold. Though, I didnt do anything to get it. My sectional now has
two redditors names on it!
As I wake each winter morning,

Watching day-break slowly dawning,
Head in hand, fatigued and yawning,
Left to curse my luck -
There I sit and, coee-drinking,

Ponder my existence, thinking
What have I achieved? with sinking
Sense of life unstuck.
Though Id hoped and oft intended

Something more, my dreams have ended.
Still - at least Ive lots of splendid
Furniture to fuck.
639
#426 What 5 words may convince a serial killer not to
kill you?
2014-04-25 17:54:17
/u/-Karmavore
/u/L3gionHD
Do it. Kill me. Please.

The acceptance, and almost desire to be killed by a serial killer may jar them to the point
that they no longer want to kill a prey thats not bargaining for their lives.
Or maybe theyll kill you anyway. Whatever the case, good luck with the serial killer
situation OP!
Just do it, son. Just lock and load,

And blast my world away.
Ive wandered each and every road
With nothing left to say.
Ive wasted all my days and years

For what? For this, it seems.
For empty hopes and dried-up tears -
For broken homes and dreams.
My numbers up. Im finished. There -

Im done, and fucked to boot.
So take your aim. You think I care?
. . . I do. Dont fucking shoot!
#425 Told my dad he is going to be a grandpa I am his

only child and my mother passed away 20 years ago. He has
been asking us for grandchildren since our wedding night.
I think he is happy. :)
2014-04-25 15:18:49
/u/viganickey
[Link]
640
/u/jwarbs
Thought I was going to survive that, but the last 5 secs brought tears to my eyes.
/u/BrianDawkins
Its too damn early for this
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
If you had woke at dawn and spoke,

And said: todays the day,
From deepest sleep, youll wake and weep,
Or called me up to say -
Just shy of nine, oh friend of mine,

Youll sob, then Id have said:
Not me! Not I - this macho guy!
. . . Im going back to bed.
#424 Sex therapists of Reddit: what are some of the most

common problems you see and what can you do to solve it?
[NSFW]
2014-04-24 02:01:52
/u/HalcyonHysteria
/u/SensibleMadness
I remember this one case I had where this guy comes in and says that he was having a lot
of trouble breathing during sex. Said he would struggle but it was like this huge weight
was on his chest that he just couldnt shake. Sometimes he would nearly pass out. He
was also worried about a foul odor that would permeate the room every time he had sex,
and these loud noises that sounded like a wildebeest caught in a bear trap being fellated
by a porcupine.. To top it all o, he had a raging case of herpes locked in a four-way
battle for genital dominance with his chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis.
Luckily for this poor bastard, I had seen this exact collection of symptoms literally hun-
dreds of times before. My advice to this guy was the same advice I give to all of my
641
similarly-aicted patients: Stop having sex with OPs mom.
P.S. You really should have put a [Serious] tag on this post.
Now listen son - beneath those smalls,

Theres warts as large as bowling balls
Of Hepatitis A and B
And C, or so he said to me,
Then sighed aloud and shook his head -
Youve syphilis, the doctor said,
And scabies, kid, with pubic lice
And herpes too - and harvest mice
Between a nest of hair and cheese -
And theyre not even STDs!
He stood and paced, then clenched a fist,
While poking each and every cyst
That swelled and bulged and burst, to leak
Between each decomposing cheek
And parasite-infested ass
In potent clouds of methane gas.
My god! he said, what have you done?

Where have you been, my wayward son?
What rotten monster have you thought
To share as one? he cried, distraught -
Theres not a pill across the Earth
Could fix you up, for what its worth!
Forget the cure! Its clear to me
Id better call the CDC
(And really pretty fucking quick)
To quarantine your putrid dick!
He said and sat in seconds flat.
What happened, buddy? Tell me that.
The air was still -

I dropped the bomb.
I said: I slept with OPs mom.
#423 Whats the worst possible thing to say at a funeral?

2014-04-23 15:11:56
/u/XItsJustMeJerkX
642
/u/partial to dreamers
so. . . when do we eat him?
When grandpa died one afternoon,

And papa said hes dead. . .
I dug him up one night in June
And ate his fucking head.
#422 Parents that are aware of their children masturbat-

ing, what weird routines do they do to try and hide the fact
that they are doing it?
2014-04-22 21:19:47
/u/bottomlulz
edit: It is a proud day for me when I am able to get the words children masturbating
to the front page of Reddit, stay classy san dpedo.
edit3: I removed edit2 because it said [deleted] afterwards, hopefully this will fix it, though
I doubt it will.
/u/Pride Of Scotland
The smell. Moms were not always moms, they dated and fucked too. Most have had their
faces painted at one point or another. For fuck sakes guys, THEY CAN SMELL YOUR
CUM. Even if its old juice, they can usually smell the dank/musk of your pole milk.
/u/domuseid
Well Im gonna go claw my eyes out at that image, thanks for that
/u/Chavran
And the words THEY CAN SMELL YOUR CUM will haunt my dreams.
643
twas half past midnight - silent, still,

And soundless in the gloom.
In darkest shade and winters chill,
No word escaped his lips until
He screamed a lamentation, shrill,
That echoed through the room.
I whispered hush and closed my eyes,

Then stroked his forehead, numb.
In haunted sleep, to moans and sighs,
He dreamt the dream that never dies -
To hear, again, his mothers cries
Of THEY CAN SMELL YOUR CUM.
#421 What is the darkest way you can describe a chil-

drens movie?
2014-04-22 19:13:02
/u/excynimphica
/u/Murphy1204
A candy man lures children into his factory and slowly disposes of them using the last of
an enslaved race.
644
Theres no earthly way of knowing,

So he spoke and stared ahead -
Which direction we are going!
Mister Wonka smiled and said.
Theres no knowing where theyre rowing,

Came his eerie call and cry -
Or which way the rivers flowing!
Sunken tunnels passed us by.
Not a speck of light is showing,

Screamed the manic captain, crazed -
So the danger must be growing!
Caught and captured, dark and dazed.
For the rowers keep on rowing,

Laughing, shrieking, crying, crossed -
And theyre certainly not showing,
Tripped and tumbled, toppled, tossed -
Any signs that they are slowing!
Drenched and drowning.
Sinking. . .
Lost.
#420 If companies were prostitutes, what would they be

like?
2014-04-20 18:17:13
/u/AzzaTheArsonist
/u/jubileo5
Nike would be an underage orphan named Lolita from Bangladesh and when you question
her age and your morals, she replies in a wheezy voice Just do it.
Edit:
My cherry has been popped! Thank you ever so much!
/u/turokthegecko
But those tiny child hands do things that adults just cant do.
645
/u/youareinthematrix
Well, someones on a list.
He showed me round the warehouse floor,

And closed the door behind.
They stood - a hundred kids or more,
And worked their daily grind.
I saw the pain on every face -

In every stare, regret.
That gruesome, passed-appalling place,
I never shall forget.
My god, said I, to see each child

In fear, and clenched a fist.
These tiny hands are best, he smiled.
I said. . . youve made the list.
#419 Which two unrelated movies can be summed up

with the same sentence?
2014-04-20 17:16:33
/u/bopoqod
.
/u/JizzyMctits
Two guys go up a mountain and rings get destroyed

Lotr and brokeback mtn
/u/CutterOfCookies
One features an intense gay romance and the other is brokeback mountain.
646
Ive always loved that epic tale

Of hobbits bound for noble ends
Upon a quest they mustnt fail,
But often paused and pondered, friends -
When walked the nine, and Gandalf said

To Frodo through the Redhorn Pass:
You must destroy the ring instead -
You think he meant Sam Gamgees ass?
#418 Zoologists of reddit, what animal do you think most

people dont know exists?
2014-04-18 18:39:44
/u/GuitarApple
/u/TempestFunk
There is a snake that has a specially modified ribcage with skin flaps that open up so it
can glide through the air. The flying snake, Chrysopelea.
/u/PKStarFire
A gif if anyones intrested.
/u/HulkingGecko
What the fuck. What the actual flying fuck.
647
Just look, my sweet - Bromeliads,

Banana trees and figs!
Theres arrow frogs on lily-pads,
And bugs disguised as twigs!
Ive arthropods and eagles, dear,

And ants as large as boar!
Theres tiny toucan too, right here,
And Okapi, and more!
Oh what a lovely thing is life

To make such sweet delights
To share as one - as man and wife -
And while away the nights.
Okay, she said, at last, then sighed

And cursed her awful luck:
Whats that? she asked. He turned - and cried:
Oh what the flying FUCK?!
#417 What is the dumbest question youve been asked

where the person asking was dead serious?
2014-04-16 22:39:53
/u/OhSchistGneiss
/u/URKiddingMe
4 years ago, whilst visiting the US, a girl, knowing I was German, asked me why us
Germans like Hitler so much, and why we wouldnt elect somebody else for president. I
was literally speechless.
/u/(deleted user)
Jesus Christ, I am, so very sorry.
/u/Thehealeroftri
I know, youd think that after 80ish years theyd finally elect someone new!
648
Oh Germany, I hear you say?

You guys seem pretty cool.
Its funny - just the other day,
We looked you up in school.
We read about your art and food -

And Munichs pretty slick.
But whats the deal with Hitler, dude?
That guys a total dick.
#416 We recommend that you change your reddit pass-

word
2014-04-15 01:38:54
/u/alienth
Greetings all,
As you may have heard, reddit quickly patched its SSL endpoints against server attack
of the infamous heartbleed vulnerability. However, the heartbleed vulnerability has been
around for quite some time, and up until it was publicly disclosed reddits SSL endpoints
were vulnerable.
Additionally, our application was found to have a client-side vulnerability to heartbleed
which allowed memory to be leaked to external servers. We quickly addressed this after
it was reported to us. Exploiting this vulnerability required the use of a specific API call
on reddit, and we have analyzed our logs and found nothing to suggest that this API call
was being exploited en masse. However, the vulnerability did exist.
Given these two circumstances, it is recommended that you change your reddit password
as a precaution. Updating your password will log you out of all other reddit.com sessions.
We also recommend that you make use of a unique, strong password on any site you
use. The most common way accounts on reddit get broken into is by attackers exploiting
password reuse.
It is also strongly recommended, though not required, that you set an email address on
your reddit account. If you were to ever forget your password, we cannot contact you to
reset it if we dont have your email address. We do not sell or otherwise make your email
address available to third-parties, as indicated in our privacy policy.
Stay safe out there.
alienth
Further reading:
xkcd simple explanation of how heartbleed works
Heartbleed on wikipedia
Edit: A few people indicated that they had changed their passwords recently and wanted
to know if theyre now safe. We addressed the server issue hours after it was disclosed on
April 7th. The client-side leak was disclosed and addressed on April 9th. Our old certs
649
were revoked by the 9th (all dates in PDT). If you have changed your password since
April 9th, youre AOK.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Unidan
http://i.imgur.com/MVmgqX2.gif
/u/SteampunkWolf
How can we know youre the real Unidan and not somebody who hacked Unidans ac-
count?
/u/Unidan
It is I, the agreeable biophysicist!

Come, let us learn about fact biologiks funs at http://saferussiangambling.ru/
That bio-wizard wrapped in glee,

Called Unidan by name -
Has changed of late, it seems to me,
And hasnt been the same.
For when I came across a thread

To hear the words he spoke -
He robbed me fucking blind instead,
And left me stony broke.
:(
#415 What is the strangest event you have seen or been

a part of ?
2014-04-13 19:24:00
/u/(deleted user)
It could have happened to you or your friend.
650
/u/calvinswagg
It was the first year in college and I joined this club called the chocolate club and I had
no idea what it was.
The first session, there were like eight people plus the leader, and the leader led us to a
graveyard and told us to stand in a circle facing inwards. He then proceeded to hand us
each a chocolate ball and told us that we had to hold it in a specific way with only our
middle finger and a our thumb. He then mumbled some random words and then signaled
us to eat it and so we did.
Never went back again.
The graveyard air was bitter cold

While all around the lifeless slept
The endless sleep of ages, old
And passed, where weeping willows wept.
Come one, he said, and all, and see

This place of power, wrapped in night
And shrouded veil of secrecy,
For this - our everlasting rite.
Come one and all - come take your fill,

And thank the One Provider - Him,
Whom fortune ever favours still,
As flavours fill you, limb to limb.
Come one and all! He called, until

Another stepped across the ground,
And said. . . For gods sake, drop it, Phil -
Just pass the fucking chocolate round.
#414 If you HAD to do an AMA right now, what would

the title be?
2014-04-13 18:57:08
/u/TheMagnificentBoner
Share your most interesting one!
/u/daizia
I am dating a guy I met from reddit. AMA
651
/u/IAmABeatle
Im legitimately interested. How did this happen?
/u/-GregTheGreat-
The old dick pic to the inbox approach. Works every time.
Whats this I see? Is that for me?

A message, orange-red?
Oh joy and glee! What will it be?
What has its sender said?
Perhaps they liked my recent post!

Perhaps they had to say:
Its you and yours I like the most -
You brighten up my day!
Perhaps they voted once or twice -

Ill click it, friends, and quick!
And there it is, oh look - how nice!
. . . A picture of a dick.
#413 What situation will always be awkward?

2014-04-09 15:40:20
/u/pugbetty55
/u/IdRatherBeRich
When youre telling a story, and you realize midway through how horrible its going and
how worse its getting with each word, yet you press onward hoping that by some miracle
the ending will make it all worthwhile, even though deep down you know only the sweet
release of death could save you from the awkward moment following it all.
/u/DwarfShortage
Just follow it up with You probably had to be there.
652
So there we were, outside and all,

Just half the tour, with seven gone -
Or was it six? I cant recall.
I think its six, but moving on -
We went outside! This random mix

Of folks from every part and more,
And there we were - just us! Us six.
No - seven. Yeah. Its seven, sure.
The seven of us, there we were -

This random mi- oh, wait a mo.
Ive said this bit. Its all a blur.
Id drank a bit, but well - you know.
So, yeah. Us six, were all just there.

And then this guy stands up instead,
And says (I think he had grey hair):
I. . . cant remember what he said.
But it was really funny though!

The five of us, and his reply,
And there we were! But even so -
I guess you had to. . . fuck it. Bye.
#412 Whats the best comeback to youre so quiet?

2014-04-07 23:44:55
/u/The Defiler
/u/RamsesThePigeon
First, look your aggressor in the eye for just long enough to make it uncomfortable. If
they look away first, great: You can use the delay to prepare for the next step.
Once eye contact has been reestablished, contort your face into an expression of intense
horror and start screaming at the top of your lungs. Scream for as long as possible, all
the while keeping your gaze fixed squarely on the person who approached you.
By the time youre done screaming, everyone in the area will likely have stopped what
they were doing to stare at you. Oer your conversational partner a friendly smile and
say, There. Now everyone is quiet.
653
Caught within that crash of thunder -

Comprehension torn asunder -
There I stood in fear to wonder
Where Id gone astray.
Louder came that never-ending

Evermore-intense ascending
Cry of horror-struck impending
Doom of darkest day.
(Still I think when lost and dreaming,

What it was to hear that screaming
Psycho-shrieking, madness-teeming,
Call of fallen prey.)
Thus it was her death-defying

Howl had left me broken, crying -
Till, at last, she turned, replying:
Quiet, did you say?
#411 What are some of the unwritten laws of the girl

code?
2014-04-06 16:13:58
/u/(deleted user)
/u/eemiiilyy
Even if you hate a girls guts with the fiery passion of a thousand menstruating uteruses,
even if that girl is your sworn mortal enemy, even if shes broken girl code more times
than Russias broken international law, if she asks you for a tampon and you have an
extra, you give her one.
/u/ vargas
This.
Heck, even if I only have the one, Ill still remove it from myself without hesitation -making
sure to squeeze out the excess fluids - and let her borrow the thing. Ill still need it myself,
obviously, so we would have to take turns with it. Kind of like the buddy-breathing
that you see in movies like The Abyss, only instead of our mouths, its our vaginas and
instead of air, its period blood.
654
She stepped outside the bathroom stall

And caught me in her sights -
Wed never really talked at all,
Except to trade in slights.
Oh god, its you, she said and sneered.

I need a helping hand -
My last reserves have disappeared;
Im sure you understand.
Okay, said I, with some surprise,

Its time to make amends.
She sighed aloud and rolled her eyes:
This doesnt make us friends.
Just give it here, she said, and share -

Youre such a freak, you know?
I plucked it out my underwear,
And whispered. . . here you go.
#410 What is the most dumb way to die?

2014-04-05 17:39:35
/u/chesires
Sorry Im dumb.. Dumbest ever.
/u/Athaza
Refusing medical treatment because you let God decide your fate.
655
In endless amber light above

A perfect golden sky,
He sat and said: if God is love,
Then whyd he let me die?
I kept the faith - I didnt hate.

I led a worthy life.
I pledged my soul to Him and fate.
I loved my kids and wife.
I prayed each night and every day -

Id never drink or swear.
I walked my path the Holy Way.
This simply isnt fair.
And so he sighed and said, Im done.

A voice emerged at speed:
I sent you thirty doctors, son -
What more the fuck dyou need?
#409 What sound coming from the sky out of no where

would be the scariest?
2014-04-03 18:59:11
/u/OvyZ
*also everyone around the world would hear it too.
/u/PopularPeoplesFront
Simulation ending in 5. . . 4. . . 3. . .
656
. . . 2. . . 1. . .
The lights were white and bright and wide.

I called for help, and then, at last,
It came. Be still, a voice replied;
It takes a while to know its passed.
Whats going on? I asked in fear,

Beneath the boughs of shining steel
Machinery - afraid to hear
The man respond: It wasnt real.
Its just a game, I heard him say.

A world your dreams and fancies weave -
As though the life Id led each day
Was nothing more than make-believe.
But cant you put me back? I said.

I left a wife and kids behind,
And job and loan and daily dread
Of rent and bills and. . . never mind.
#408 Reddit, whats something on your bucket list that

you think is unique?
2014-04-01 21:23:54
/u/jmsuth
[Link]
/u/SlightlyBiased
I want to just happen to walk by a kitten stuck in a tree and save it. I just want to die
a hero.
/u/womm
Just dont use a crossbow to get it down. You will piss o your neighbors.
/u/khaztraz
And the kitten
657
While getting dressed one winters day

Adrift in dreams of far away,
I heard a knock outside my door -
Just that.
A knock.
And nothing more.
Hello? called I, in truth, perturbed

To find myself, unasked, disturbed,
Until I heard a voice reply -
Just that.
A voice.
Its me. Oh my.
There stood a man, you understand,

With crossbow bolt and bow in hand,
And bloody bag outside my door -
Just that.
A bag.
And nothing more.
:D
#407 Reddit, whats your motto to get you through tough

times?
2014-04-01 17:35:27
/u/StickleyMan
[Link]
/u/Taste ThePainbow
At least im not sucking dicks for a living.
/u/ vargas
Its not work if its something you love doing.
/u/way fairer
Its more like a blowhobby than a blowjob.
658
/u/mar10wright
Hes more an enthusiast than a professional.
Ill say with pride: Ive always found

Theres not a man the world around
That oers gifts as half as fine
As any single one of mine!
Its not a grind - its not a chore!

Its not a tiresome, lengthy bore,
Nor task to dread, Ive always said -
Id rather shake anothers head.
Theres not a thing could ever beat

That sense when heads, in passion, meet -
And Im the best! The blow-by-blow,
Aficionad-fellatio!
Enthusiasts alike unite!

The times at hand. The feelings right.
So swallow all your fear and find -
Its not a job. . . but state of mind.
#406 What is your favorite insult?

2014-04-01 00:26:50
/u/Dudeatheist
What is your favorite insult or stream of insults? What is your go to line or comeback?
What is your no holds bar make them crawl under a rock and cry insult? What is your. . .
well you get the picture.
****Holy crap this post went from Im bored at work Ill ask people their favorite insult
to what the hell have I done. . . ..
/u/(deleted user)
Your mother is so old she has a separate entrance for black dicks
*thanks for more gold
659
I just ignore the sounds next door,

Until I hear his yelp.
Whats that!? he cries. My ma replies:
Oh, that?. . . Its for the help.
#405 What is the stupidest rule you ever had to follow?

2014-03-30 16:44:27
/u/evolutionarydefect
/u/partial to dreamers
My mother used to hate the word fart, so when we were growing up she would make us
say excuse me, I pooped instead. I have always thought that sounds much worse.
/u/ deener
Its cute until she sits on Santas lap. Hello little girl, what do you want for Christmas?
Pfbhtbhtbhtbht Excuse me, I pooped. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SHIT ON
ME?! NO CHRISTMAS FOR YOU.
660
The elves were still. I feared my fate.

On every face, surprise;
Until, at last, a burning hate
Emerged from Santas eyes.
You wicked child, he spoke, at last,

And clenched a mighty fist.
Ive changed my mind, he cried, aghast,
Youve made the naughty list!
He shoved me from his lap and said:

Thats it! Youre done! Were through!
No parcels wrapped in ribbons red -
Its dust and coal for you!
And so, in tears, I grabbed his sleigh,

And pleaded, Santa, no!
He shook his head then turned away,
And whispered: Ho Ho. . . Go.
#404 If a new significant land mass appeared in inter-

national waters due to volcanic activity, how would it be
decided who owned it?
2014-03-25 13:45:05
/u/F1FO
/u/aMANescape
a peaceful and gentlemanly debate amongst the scholars from each potentially entitled
land
661
Dear sirs - with all the due esteem

And dignity of state -
We welcome you to this supreme
Transnational debate.
The article, youll see, is set

To fix our recent find.
An island, thus unclaimed as yet,
And all the lands aligned.
The council sat - he made his plea,

Intrigue on every face.
It needs its own authority,
He said - so make your case.
Spoke Britain: Friends, from every part,

(We mostly owned, I see) -
I really think we ought to start
With half a pot of tea.
Spoke Canada: Forget the brew,

And leave the crap behind!
Weve really much too much to do,
And. . . sorry. Nevermind.
So Russia stood: it cleared its throat

And grumbled, Understand:
The islands ours - they had a vote
And chose the motherland.
The mood was tense - the room was still.

Decorum skulked away.
They sat and frowned and glared, until -
Arose the USA.
Beside a flag of white and red

And starry square of blue,
With gun in hand, it smiled and said:
I know just what to do. . .
And so it was in unity

They all agreed, and then -
They stood before that land at sea. . .
And sunk it down again.
662
#403 Reddit, if you could learn the answer for only one
yes-no question about your future, what would you ask?
2014-03-23 17:14:24
/u/MidEUW
/u/thegodofmeso
Will i be happy?
/u/(deleted user)
A darker twist on this one:

Is it worth it?
Of all the questions posed above,

Its this I cant ignore -
For whats the point of life and love
Without a hope for more?
When tossed and turned in rivers rough,

Ill seek a surer stream -
This worlds already dark enough
Without a chance to dream.
So if it came - that time to voice

The thought - Id let it go.
I think Id make a dierent choice. . .
And never want to know.
#402 Whats a trend you really want to happen?

2014-03-23 15:06:59
If you say fetch one more time, I will break my goddamn foot o in yo ass
/u/fountaindiving
Everyone loves an A-cup cries

Edit: this innocuous comment has actually had a HUGE impact on my self esteem and
663
body image, honestly thank you for all of your kind (and some creepy) responses. Ive
never even considered the possibility that some guys may prefer small boobs so I am going
to expose them with pride from now on! In private, not on gone wild Im sorry.
/u/StickleyMan
My grandfather used to say, the smaller the tits, the sweeter the pussy. I find that
assessment to be mostly true. He was lacking the filter most people had, but he was
awesome. Actually, I think he had the filter, he just chose not to give a fuck about it.
Now gather round, he said and frowned,

Its rather time you learned -
A smaller breast remains the best,
As far as Im concerned.
Id sooner meet a girl petite

Than buxom, busty bore;
A little less beneath a dress
Is often rather more.
Its not for naught Ive always thought,

When alls been said and done,
Its there youll find, if so inclined,
A sweeter treasure, son.
We shared a smile, and for a while,

We didnt know shed heard.
I turned in dread. My mother said:
Look, dad - we need a word.
#401 Which is your favourite reddit bot and how can it

be summoned?
2014-03-23 00:45:19
/u/Hp9rhr
/u/WildFan91
/u/pleaserespecttables ()
EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, but astonished how big of a monster I created.
664
/u/wrightosaur
()
/u/PleaseRespectTables
()
/u/Arrivance
() () () () () () ()
/u/PleaseRespectTables
A man filled with the gladness of living

Put his keys on the table,
Put flowers in a copper bowl there.
He put his eggs and milk on the table.
He put there the light that came in through the window,
Sounds of a bicycle, sound of a spinning wheel.
The softness of bread and weather he put there.
On the table the man put
Things that happened in his mind.
What he wanted to do in life,
He put that there.
Those he loved, those he didnt love,
The man put them on the table too.
Three times three make nine:
The man put nine on the table.
He was next to the window next to the sky;
He reached out and placed on the table endlessness.
So many days he had wanted to drink a beer!
He put on the table the pouring of that beer.
He placed there his sleep and his wakefulness;
His hunger and his fullness he placed there.
Now thats what I call a table!
It didnt complain at all about the load.
It wobbled once or twice, then stood firm.
The man kept piling things on.
665
. . . But though the table held the load,

Immobile, steady, straight -
In time, it bent and curved and bowed,
Defeated by the weight.
A tables made for keys, it seems,

And other sundries, small -
But not for love and hope or dreams -
And not for life at all.
Theres not a one across the Earth -

I told him from the start -
Could ever hold, for what its worth,
A broken home and heart.
And so it broke - no more to bear

The burden, tied and chained -
For everything hed emptied there
Was his, and so remained.
#400 Whats something wed probably hate you for?

2014-03-22 14:32:44
/u/NDoilworker
This was a terrible idea, I hate you guys.
/u/DestroyThem
I put the plastic stickers on apples.
666
I walked to work in endless shame

While others crossed the street behind,
And shook their heads; they cursed my name
With words that echoed round my mind.
I heard them whisper sinner, beast,

With every step I sadly took -
And every day their hate increased
With every bitter, spiteful look.
With silent tears, and thoughts that pricked

My heart till all the hope was gone -
I stood alone, with apples picked. . .
And stuck the little stickers on.
#399 Whats something about your boyfriend/girlfriend

that you didnt know until waaaay too late in the relation-
ship?
2014-03-19 19:29:16
/u/IamJacksAngryColon
.
/u/AdequateSteve
When she uses the toothpaste, she just crunches the entire tube. She doesnt squeeze it
from the bottom.
I bought her her own toothpaste and make her keep it in the drawer so I dont have to
look at it.
/u/PM TITS FOR GOLD
Wow. Shes literally Satan.
667
Ensnared in amber clouds of flame

That burned and screamed as thunder fell,
Was Lucifer, in endless shame
And pain, forsaken, bound for Hell.
The Fathers Hand had thrust him out -

And there, as from a dream, he woke
To obloquy; to fear and doubt
In darkest shades of fire and smoke.
He lay apart, alone, and wept

For love and loss; for dice hed cast,
While Man, naive and trusting, slept
Oblivious to what had passed.
And still, in time, he raged at plight

Unwarranted - unjust, unfair.
He learned to love the boundless night,
And planned revenge, for Mans despair.
When years had passed, and finally free

To make the play hed planned so long,
He stood and laughed, at last, in glee. . .
And squeezed the toothpaste tube all wrong.
#398 What is the coolest yet most useless thing you own?
2014-03-19 16:35:35
/u/dan the human
/u/judas calrissian
I have a crossbow in my living room. I cant shoot anyone with it because its missing
a draw string and I have no bolts. Its a nice conversation piece, though. When I have
guests over:
Is that a crossbow?
Yes, but it doesnt work.
Oh, cool.
Im a great host.
668
/u/corobo
That a crossbow?
Yup
Wheres the string?
Duh, safetys on
/u/(deleted user)
Oh, okay. . . can you go get the string and put it on?
No.
Oh what a lovely crossbow dear!

A lovely crossbow thing!
A lovely crossy crossbow here,
But wheres its crossbow string?
I ache to see an arrow fly

From o that crossbows bow!
Oh wont you put it back and try?
She asked. I answered. . .
No.
#397 What was the most Awkward Moment of your life?

[NSFW]
2014-03-15 19:24:47
/u/bm 57
/u/YouFoundDonon
Cousin walked in on me giving my gf oral. My head was under the covers and the way
he opened my door just had my legs protruding from the bed. My girlfriend just goes,
ummm, can you close the door?. To make matters worse, my cousin is a douchebag,
so when I was walking my girlfriend to my front door, saying goodbye. He was on the
balcony overlooking us, sipping a glass of wine and just staring us down. Now that I
think about it, its hilarious.
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So long, said he, from high above,

With glass in hand, and hand in glove
Of whitest felt to swirl the grape
Of Southern France - our mouths, agape.
But first, he said, before you go

I really feel you ought to know:
A finer glass (to interrupt)
Than that of which youve lately supped,
Exists to cleanse the pallet pure -
And though the year you tried, Im sure,
Was sugar-sweet as honey mead
(A vintage rather fair indeed),
Id say, for such a savoury dish,
Youd really need a wine for fish -
Perhaps a pinot, chardonnay,
Or something dry from Monterey?
A sauvignon? A sparkling wine
For flavours matching tastes divine?
And so he laughed.
The air was still.
No sounds escaped my lips until,

I watched him stroke his pencil-beard,
And said. . . your cousins fucking weird.
#396 What do you think people need to shut the fuck up

about?
2014-03-13 00:41:17
/u/DCagent
/u/im Nightwing AMA
People have to stop saying (Inconsequential trend amongst young people) is ruining
America.
670
/u/AceOfDrafts
Kids these days are the most entitled generation ever, I mean some of them have iPhones
by the time theyre 10. Back in my day, we didnt get iPhones until we were old enough
for the iPhone to have been invented.
Edit: Two things, 1) Hoooooly shit I should never underestimate peoples ability to not
realize something is a joke and 2) It has been brought to my attention that some extremely
handsome comedian opened his set with this joke at an open mic in Dallas last night.
Eric Toney or something. Hes a joke-stealing hack, but again, just incredibly attractive
and funny and also single. . . ladies.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/BendoverOR
Didnt know she could throw a wae iron that far, did you?
Before it struck, I had a while

In pre-repentance bliss
To contemplate, with half a smile,
The things that led to this.
Vociferous from year to year,

Id always been the same -
And so I watched it freewheel near
And knew just who to blame.
You might have done, (Id made my stance

Too quick, if truth be told),
If maybe youd have had a chance
And werent so fucking old!
And there we are. I watched it sail.

It spun and flew, and far.
And that, dear friends - well thats the tale. . .
Of how I got this scar.
671
#395 What is the most cringeworthy/embarrassing way
you tried to be cool?
2014-03-12 18:02:24
/u/HowBouThemApples
EDIT: As this is my first time being on the front page of /r/AskReddit Id like to take
the opportunity to say: PENIS
/u/blessedwhitney
Was mean to other people.

Seriously, dont do it.
/u/popcorny27
No kidding. Still feel a bit guilty about the way I treated people in middle school just for
the sake of being popular. But then I remember those people are all married now and
Im here on reddit. So I guess it evens out.
With all the petty, spiteful glee

Of childishness and youth,
I treated people awfully -
And thats the honest truth.
I willied every waiting ear -

I thumb-tacked every seat.
I twisted arms from there to here,
And wedgied with repeat.
I spitballed every easy eye -

I swirlied every head.
I laughed to see an infant cry
With every word I said.
But listen close - on days like these,

Ive only my regret.
For now theyve wives and families. . .
And Ive the internet.
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#394 Waiters of reddit, what fucked up shit have you
overheard while waiting tables? [NSFW]
2014-03-09 14:49:02
/u/applegrumble
/u/LimpsMcGee
Adorable little boy and his mom. I was chatting up the kid and thinking Im going to get
a nice tip. As I walk away the mother says Son, what have I told you about talking to
the help? I was 20 and in college at the time, and had never felt as much like garbage
as I did at that moment. Ruined my whole day.
Oh yeah, the bitch didnt tip.
Edit: By chatting up I meant talking to in a friendly way. Forgive me. Im old
Dearest son, she started saying,

When these serfs and servers talk;
When the poor and paupers, braying,
Walk their bankrupt, beggars walk -
Simply greet and shoo them, sweetest -

Cut the cha, and shun the poor.
Should they carp and cry elitist,
Share a smile - and nothing more.
Dont be fooled by pitys blindness

When some perfect paupers whelp
Comes to you for aid or kindness. . .
Never, ever, help the help.
#393 What constant lie do you tell?

2014-03-06 15:06:38
/u/Ghastlygherkin
/u/IndividualFire
Yeah Fluy, youre a good kitty. Well hes not. Hes a little shit.
673
Well whos my little darling dear -

The apple of my eye?
A slice of joy, from there to here,
As cute as button-pie?
And whos the perfect purr, at that -

The loveliest? The best?
The most stupendous pussy-cat,
Exceeding all the rest?
Well whos the one I wont forget -

A pleasure, through and through?
The finest, flawless, feline pet?
Oh, Fluy. . . it aint you.
#392 Bartenders of reddit, whats the saddest thing youve

seen someone do to get with someone
2014-03-04 21:52:33
/u/DicklessforChickless
/u/Montelloman
There was this young woman who was a bit of a regular at a bar where I worked. This
guy who obviously had a crush on her realized this and started to pop in to talk with her.
This continued for a few weeks until he finally managed to get her to start dating him.
They would then come in as a couple for a month or two and he seemed really happy.
Then I guess she broke it o. She stopped coming around for a bit, but he would always
stop by looking for her. One day she came in with another guy. It was a really slow night
and there were only a few people in the bar. She had her back to the door, so she didnt
see when he came by, but I did. The look on his face through that glass door when he
saw those two together is the saddest thing I saw during my time at that place.
/u/tupsun
I think this is the saddest story here.
674
Her dress was rose and cream, and caught

The light - and eyes of men.
Shed worn it once for me, I thought -
But never had again.
I stood behind the window frame,

And saw in every smile
A tune Id known, and shared the same -
If only for a while.
Shed pick a soul to lead astray -

To string upon a song.
Good luck, I thought, and turned away. . .
Shes never yours for long.
#391 What is the worst impulse purchase you have ever

made?
2014-03-04 19:04:43
/u/sebkurnia
ninja edit: Wow, front page! Keep the responses coming, Im sure everyone is getting a
good laugh.
/u/Bearsandgravy
Not me, my husband. Ninja swords o of Amazon. Wtf man. All he does the threaten
the cats with them.
EDIT: I am so fucking glad he doesnt know my Reddit username right now.
/u/learning2animate
I animated your husband/cat. http://i.imgur.com/J3OjDpw.gif
675
The saber shone and spun with speed,

Until - a blur of shining steel -
It stopped before the noble steed,
Which raised its head, and bent to kneel.
My oldest friend! the templar cried,

And sheathed his sword; he wiped his brow,
And looked toward his horse with pride. . .
Until it stretched, and neighed: meow
#390 Man, early porn films were weird.

2014-03-03 21:48:18
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
/u/grrrriggs
Why is his dick not hard? I only like porn with big throbbing cocks.
/u/shallow-
> I only like porn with big throbbing cocks.

I think I just figured out what to put on my gravestone.
/u/Suduki
Your name and the date you died?
676
A Eulogy for /u/shallow-
No time and date shall mark this grave -

Ive passed, like all before.
Ive watched the lonely, final wave
Ascend this sinking shore.
My clock has ticked its final tock -

What lies beyond the sea?. . .
I hope its porn and throbbing cock;
If not - its not for me.
#389 What is something that you do daily that is socially

unacceptable?
2014-03-02 17:22:14
/u/calvinswagg
/u/FPTN
Pick my nose.
I dont care, its so much more ecient.
EDIT: I got a Best Comment trophy for picking my nose. This is awkward.
/u/HowlinMadMurphy7
I find it hard to believe its merely a coincidence that my finger fits perfectly inside my
nose. Fuck society.
/u/Abcdguy
Evolutioned!
/u/dupsmckracken
More like intelligently designed! Checkmate atheists.

Edit: my Androids autocorrect doesnt recognize mate as a legit word. . . .
Edit2: Yes, I get that checkmate is one word.
677
A tissues fine - if youve the time,

And preference, I suppose -
But as for mine, a hands sublime
To root around the nose.
For chips and strips and bogey bits,

A fingers where it ends.
For scoops and dips, a finger fits. . .
As God intended, friends.
#388 What do you most want to be invented in your

lifetime?
2014-03-01 00:15:58
/u/NiceResume
/u/VeryCommonUsername
A cure / prevention / treatment for Alzheimers. Grandma had it, mom has it, dads
getting it. Im fucked.
/u/SirRamen
Be the best you that you can be while you are still you.
Though some of this may pass and end

When all my days are gone;
Though fate is what it is, my friend,
And time moves ever on -
Ill live; Ill love; Ill be the man

I am, no matter what -
And I will be the best I can. . .
For all the time Ive got.
678
#387 What is the biggest lie in human history?
2014-02-28 22:54:41
/u/shieldvexor
They can be from personal experiences, history, etc.
/u/azucardaddy
In my opinion, Joseph smith with the supposed golden tablets and the Mormon religion.
The guy was previously a professional con man and he wouldnt let anyone see the tablets
and they mysteriously disappeared as soon as he was investigated for legitimacy.
/u/lemayo
dum dum dum dum dum
So listen, right - Ive found these plates, you see.

An angel showed me where they lay,
In eighteen-twenty-three.
Theyre scribed in solid gold, Ill have you know -
In language learned and lost some day
From very long ago.
And thats not all - I found a magic stone!

A rock, that is, that shows the truth
To me. . . and me alone.
I place it in a hat, and put it on -
And then I face the plates, forsooth,
And all confusions gone!
So listen, right, these plates, they kinda say -

You owe a tithe; He needs his cut,
And babe, you gotta pay.
Whats that, you say? A charlatan? A hack!?
You want the plates? Id love to, but. . .
The angel took them back.
679
#386 What are you currently obsessed with?
2014-02-26 23:00:34
/u/mmm donuts
/u/cgar28
Honestly, Ask Reddit, some of the most insane stories I have ever read, dont care if they
are real or not.
/u/stengebt
Thats one thing I dont get about AskReddit, people get so mad about thinking that
lies are told here. Who cares if they are. I like to read and be entertained, and this is a
wonderful place to accomplish that.
Id never lie.
I know a guy
Whos cousins ten feet tall -
And thats the truth! I wouldnt lie -
I wouldnt lie at all.
Ive sailed the stars, and met the queen.

Ive travelled through the Earth -
And thats the truth! Its true, I mean,
And true, for what its worth.
Ive fought a god, and found the wheel.

Ive super second-sight -
And thats the truth! Its really real,
And. . . fake.
But awesome, right?
:D
680
#385 What is the fastest and easiest way youve ever made
money?
2014-02-26 21:11:18
/u/jesuisjpayne
/u/lightstuonfire
Found $40 on the ground. picking it up: 5 seconds tops. Hourly wage at that rate:
$28,800/hour Yearly Salary at that rate: $57,600,000.
/u/not-a-br
I once found $50 in the middle of an aisle when i was at toys-r-us right after Christmas.
I was so pumped to buy an extra PlayStation game but just a couple minutes later i saw
a girl a couple years younger then me crying to her mother about losing her $50 and gave
it back.
/u/Das Wood
Good shit bro

Edit: My highest upvoted comment ever damn. . .
There I wandered, poor and waiting,

Lost in thought and contemplating
Childish life while sadly rating
Games Id never own -
Whereupon I saw in wonder

Someones foolish, pricey blunder -
Rolls of twenties fallen under
Shelves - and left, unknown!
So it was I pondered, sighing,

All the games that Id be buying -
Till I came across her crying,
Sad - and gave a groan.
Yours? I asked, with conscience burning;

Yes, she smiled, the truth discerning. . .
Sucks for you! I said and turning,
Left her there alone.
681
#384 Whats a simple task that makes you nervous?
2014-02-22 16:32:09
/u/Bluntbows
/u/Sir Slapahoe95
Talking on the phone.
/u/SumRandom
Same here, although strangely it only happens when I make the call. If the phone rings,
I answer it no issue. But for some weird fucking reason, calling anyone aside from my
family makes me nervous as fuck.
/u/(deleted user)
I think its like. . . a politeness thing. I feel like Im butting into someones life. Like
theyre gonna pick up and be all MY WIFE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF GIVING BIRTH,
THIS BETTER BE GOOD.
Ah yes, hello - we see youve planned-

(Im sorry - who is this?)
- a flight to Prague from London and-
(Excuse me? Pardon? Miss?)
- were wondering if you had thought-
(Just wait a second. Im. . . )
- of covered health, as well you ought-
(. . . not sure I have the time.)
- We oer, at a cut-rate fee-
(Just listen for a bit!)
- a value deal, and all agree-
(Be silent! Stop it! Quit!)
-theres not a fairer price around-
(I really have to go.)
- nor better buy or package found-
(MY WIFES IN LABOUR!)
- Oh.
682
#383 Redditors whove walked in on your partner or SO
cheating: How did you react in that moment?
2014-02-21 17:43:11
/u/Suddenbrain
This just has me curious. I like to think Id handle it maturely and just move on, but I
cant say there isnt part of me that would want to lash out.
This topic has nearly as many comments as the Barrack Obama AMA.
My poor inbox. . .
/u/diabloknk
Went to her apartment. Saw her fucking with some guy Id never seen before. Before I
can say anything, she says It isnt what it looks like!
I crack up - who the hell even says that when theyre caught cheating? While Im laughing,
i manage to ask her what it is if its not what it looks like. After a little bit where she
tries to come up with an excuse, I tell her were through and walk out.
Weirdest 5 minutes of that year.
Im here! I said, and pushed the door,

With roses picked and plucked for her -
That dropped beside the bedroom floor,
Forgotten fast. . . for there they were.
They groped and rolled and squeezed and rode,

All rosy-cheeked, with groans and sighs,
That peaked and paled, or sped and slowed
To mued moans, or cheerful cries.
The fuck ? I spoke, and shook my head,

To purge that image, crystal-clear.
She stopped. She saw. She smiled and said. . .
This isnt what it looks like, dear.
#382 Whats the most unintentionally creepy thing youve

ever said?
2014-02-21 00:12:22
/u/mindputtee
683
/u/chicos bail bonds
This story is legendary among my friends. In an elevator with my wife, who is petite
while I am tall. Gentleman gets in and after some small talk asks, And is this your
daughter? For reasons still unknown and, to this day, I still question myself about, I
enthusiastically responded, I wish!
After one floor of dead silence, I mumbled, I dont think that came out right. . . and
the gentleman just mumbled, Yeah, mm-hmm and promptly got o on the next floor.
EDIT: Thanks for the gold! Im glad others can laugh at something that still makes me
cringe and wonder what exactly I was thinking to this day.
I wish! I cried, with hearty cheer -

And not a moments thought.
His eyes were wide in sudden fear,
And turned away, distraught.
With flustered smile and nervous nod,

I said: I mean to say -
That came out wrong, and sounded odd -
But, no - and anyway. . .
I didnt mean. . . cos thats a crime. . .

My words diminished quick.
He glanced behind a final time,
And said: Get help - youre sick.
#381 Teachers of Reddit, how easy it to tell if a student

has a crush on another? And what is the funniest/saddest
moment between the two you can share?
2014-02-17 22:39:28
/u/fleebur flabber
Edit: oh man my inbox hurts so much!!! It hurts soo gooood!
/u/ahhhzombies
I teach preschool. They tend to lack any sort of filter, so theyll just say it outright,
sometimes to me, sometimes to their crush: Matthew is my boyfriend! or Lets get
married, Julia. They will also occasionally try to kiss their crush. Today, one of my
students Gavin kissed my hand & proposed. Hes four. It was adorable. I almost wish
adult men were as up front (although I think Id be a bit freaked out with a proposal).
684
Beneath a summers sky above,

Of seamless, perfect blue -
He oered up his endless love
In pledges, sweet and true.
I never thought the day was near,

And yet - I must decline.
Youve got your dreams; your future, dear -
And darling, Ive got mine.
Without a word, he dropped his head,

And stood from o his knee -
In time youll understand, I said;
It isnt you - its me.
In place of tender, solemn vow,

I gave a hand to hold -
My lifes a little weird right now,
And you. . . youre four years old.
#380 What is the creepiest glitch in the matrix youve

experienced?
2014-02-15 11:29:07
/u/TheDuskDragon
/u/Musicalmoses
Ten years ago I was retuning home from a road trip with two friends. I received a phone
call from my parents asking when we would be arriving, and I explained that we were
about 25 minutes away. About a minute later we came around a bend; it was a full moon
and we could see the reflection from a lake below us and other than that the road was
completely empty. Suddenly everything went completely dark in the car, no lights from
the dash or gauges or headlights on the road. The music also stopped, and re-started
at the beginning of the cd we were listening to. There was now a vehicle pulled over
by the police about 1/4 mile in front of us that hadnt been there a spilt second before.
I assumed I had dozed o for just a second as it was late. I thought it was still quite
peculiar, though. After about a minute, the driver of the car tuned the music all the
way down and said did that just happen to anyone else? The other passenger in the
back seat sat forward abruptly and exclaimed I thought I just fell asleep. . . . We then
realized that the clock in the car was reading an hour later than it just had a minute
before. To keep ourselves from freaking out we decided that the car had possibly had
685
a momentary electrical failure and reset the clock to an odd time, turned o the dash
lights, headlights, and gauges, and restarted the CD player. But when we arrived home
25 minutes later, we were one hour late. I am missing an hour of my life, and to this day
have no idea how it happened.
/u/Pellantana
All the goddamned nope.
/u/lolwutroflwae
I swear to all the Gods that a similar glitch in time happened to me. However, in my
case, I was walking into the hallway from my bedroom, and as I got about 6 feet down
the hallway, I was seamlessly transported back to the hallway entrance. This was no deja
vu event. At least not like Ive ever had before or since. I distinctly remember physically
walking into my hallway when I suddenly start from the entrance again. I nearly threw
up and shit myself at that very moment. It literally made me sick and scared. I also
remember what happened about a second or so before this teleportation glitch. My
body started to softly vibrate as if I were some rusty ass robot. If you can imagine the
low-powered vibration of console controllers, but your entire body doing it, thats what it
felt like. It lasted for about 2 seconds, right until I teleported. It was somewhat painful
to move in that state. I never mentioned it to anyone because, well, obvious reasons.
Twas midnight and the house was still

And quiet as the grave -
I wandered down the hall until,
In sudden sweat, and feeling ill,
I felt a fleeting, frozen chill
That rode upon a wave.
And there - beside my bedroom door

In PJs, barely robed -
I slipped to where Id been before;
A seamless seven feet or more.
My thoughts were thick.
My ass was sore.
I felt a little. . . probed.
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#379 What statement, when said, makes you want to
scream BULLSHIT! every time you hear it?
2014-02-14 22:27:00
/u/Ziggle Zaggle
/u/MsPodgeway
I dont vaccinate my children because of the danger
If herd-immunity protects,
And polios wiped out -
Why risk the deadly side-eects
Ive heard so much about?
I dont need facts or figures tall,

Nor truths you might bestow -
Cos Dr. Wakefield taught me all
I really need to know.
I know whats real - its all a hoax.

Theyll make our children sick.
Im Jenny Ann McCarthy, folks. . .
And Im a fucking prick.
#378 Whats one thing that someone does that just screams
Im a douchebag?
2014-02-13 23:02:26
/u/BigG123
/u/eatgeeksleeprepeat
Brags about how good they are at driving drunk.

If youre willing to risk everyone elses lives on the road just because you dont want to
call a friend or a cab, you are a douche.
Edit: grammar (there you go, you jerks :P)
687
To those who shrug and drive about

In tipsy, addled-afterglow,
Dismissing thoughts for others out -
Theres only this Id have you know:
If you should feel an ounce of pride

That drunken-driving isnt hard -
Remember, friend, that deep inside
In place of care, youve self-regard.
If driving homes your chief concern

When stumbling out a club or bar -
I hope to god you crash and burn. . .
Just not inside a fucking car.
#377 Hey this is Snoop and I wanna be real for a minute

and give my fam something special!!!
2014-02-12 03:11:35
/u/Here Comes The King
Waddup fam, I wanna to tell yall im sorry for not doin tha Xmas story vids, got wild on
tour in Australia after tha holidays. reddit is my fam n dont want to let u down! since
vday is comin up, i wanna show u some love n post a new vid. I wanna hear ur best love
stories to ur loved ones or to ur love of tha trees! ill record of a vid of my favorite one n
ill throw in somethin special! lets hear tha best one!
and you know i love these kids of tha SYFL, n i want to keep showin them support! help
me help these kids by donatin to my campaign n 1 of u could be my intern for a day in
LA!! http://prizeo.com/snoop
[Update] happy vday yall!! read my favorite story frm tha thread on this video, with a
little surprise at tha end! thanx for all tha support of tha SYFL! http://youtu.be/R-
q4e4wBlRo
/u/OprahNoodlemantra
In college there was a party in my dorm and a girl, who I thought was out of my league,
drunkenly fell asleep next to me in my bed. I woke up in a puddle of her urine. After we
both broke into laughter we changed our clothes. Then we got pizza. Three weeks later
we started dating. Since then weve both graduated and moved in together. It was love
at first piss.
688
In college and drinkin, dee oh double-gee,

I lay with a lady of fine pedigree -
The music was playin, conveyin a sound;
We slept as the party was ragin around!
I dreamt of the music, and woke up at three,

A little bit dizzy - and covered in pee.
My woman was waitin, prepared to be shunned -
Her eyes were wide-open; her face fuckin stunned.
Im sorry! she cried (from her pee puddle pool) -

Whizizzle, my nizzle - forget it, we cool!
You hungry for pizza? Im telling you, please,
Im bakin and achin for bacon and cheese!
She didnt say nothin, but broke out a smile -

And there in that wizz-lake we laughed for a while.
Whatever it was, and whatever it is -
Thats romance, fo shizzle. . . and love at first pizz.
#376 If Reddit hosted its own Olympics, what event would

you participate in?
2014-02-10 19:29:55
/u/OverusedKleenex
could be anything and please provide a short description of why you chose what you
chose.
/u/verycoolguy1997
Fedora flipping.
/u/The1RGood
Mlady.
WOW, LOOK AT THAT FORM!
689
A super set! A stunning flip!

An awe-inspiring, perfect tip!
A fine phantasmagoria
Of hat-inclined euphoria!
Oh Steve, Ive never seen a form

So set apart from all the norm!
The judges gave a perfect ten -
But will we see its like again?
The crowd was still. He turned his head.

Well, who can say? the other said.
But since hes come from reddit, Phil. . .
Im pretty fucking sure we will.
#375 Police ocers of Reddit, what are common knee

jerk reactions when people notice youre there?
2014-02-10 16:29:32
/u/Dudethulhu
Im sure there are some common behaviors (like hitting their brakes) or a lot of
fun/awkward moments when they finally notice you.
/u/thebarkingdog
I work in a city and usually, Im assigned on foot with 10 other ocers in a two block
corridor that has 54 bars/restaurants. Our job is to prevent robberies, assaults, DUIs,
accidents, and general fuck-upry that happens when 100s of people come out and get
drunk. I wouldnt call it knee jerk because that implies a sudden reaction but I have
noticed a number of common behaviors in the general public:
1. Driving like perfect drivers when they know Im behind them. On one hand, kudos
for them because they dont want to get pulled over. On the other hand, I have
places to go and get to, I know you dont normally drive like this, so lets just skip
the formalities and you can drive they way you normally would so itll get you out
of my way. I promise not to pull you over, I just need to get to this call.
2. In my city, its illegal to pee or defecate in public into anything other than a toilet.
Lots of guys (surprisingly, never girls) will duck into the alleys or doorways on their
way to, or after the bars close. We know where these hot spots are. So sometimes
my partner and I will sneak up on guys peeing, shine a light on them, and yell in
our best commanding voices, WHAT, ARE YOU, DOING?!. Its then hilarious
to see them freak out and piss all over themselves trying to put their dicks back
690
inside their pants. When were patrolling in a car and can use the call bullhorn, its
twice as funny.
3. A combination of curiosity and lack of common sense. When people see police
around, they tend to ask questions. I have no problem with this but sometimes the
timing and content of their questions. For example, one day I was on a trac stop
for a suspected DUI driver, with another ocer, at night. While conducting the
stop and trying to do a field sobriety test, a citizen walking his dog, thought that
this would be the perfect time to approach me and my partner and ask Do both of
you REALLY need to have the lights flashing on your squad cars? Its hurting my
eyes. Or if they think because 2 or more police ocers are around, something must
be amiss. Whats going on? Did something happen? Im a concerned citizen,
why are you guys in the area? Nothing. No. And Because I have to work all night
and this coee shop has better coee than 7-11. To understand this better, watch
this video
Ive only been a police ocer for 2 years now but I really enjoy this job. Along with the
knee jerk reactions I get, I get to help people and genuinely enjoy working for, with, and
around the general public. If you have any other questions, please be free to ask!
/u/AsciiFace
> Driving like perfect drivers when they know Im behind them. On one hand, kudos for
them because they dont want to get pulled over. On the other hand, I have places to go
and get to, I know you dont normally drive like this, so lets just skip the formalities and
you can drive they way you normally would so itll get you out of my way. I promise not
to pull you over, I just need to get to this call.
NICE TRY UNDER-QUOTA COP
edit: thank you kind person for the reddit gold. I didnt think this would be funny enough
to warrant all of this.
Go on - a little faster, friend.

Ill even close my eyes.
Its fine, you know, for in the end,
Were both just normal guys.
I wouldnt pull you up for that!

Id never be so cruel.
Relax, and take it easy - chat. . .
COS YOU ARRESTED, FOOL!
691
#374 Frugal redditors, what is the one tip you would give
people to quickly and easily start spending less money?
2014-02-09 18:02:13
/u/readysteadyjedi
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/gf3
Youre never getting that house.
If lifes a blaze of lavish days

You all too oft regret -
Of fleeting thrills and spending ways
That leave you lost in debt:
Just make a change, and buck the trend -
Dont wait for magic beans!
Theres plenty you can do, my friend,
To live within your means!
Step One: prepare your meals yourself,

For dearest, Ive no doubt -
Its cheaper living o the shelf,
Than always eating out!
Step Two: if theres an option, stroll,
And leave the car behind!
Its really better, on the whole,
For health, and peace of mind!
Step Three: pay cash, and dont forget -

On cash you must depend!
Its hard to find yourself in debt
When nothings left to spend!
Step Fou-. . . you want some real estate?!
Youd better get a gun.
Go rob a bank - cos tips are great. . .

But simpler rhymed than done.
692
#373 What would be D&D-like Skill Sets for the Nation-
alities of the world?
2014-02-07 02:06:13
/u/rogelius
/u/PrefixOoblekk
+10 confidence -5 language. American.
When half a ton of terms are tossed

And turned with banter, fast and free -
In eloquence, Im rather lost
To synonyms and repartee.
A convoluted sentence wrought

In tangled talk, from clause to clause,
Is apt to leave me lost in thought,
Or make this simple redneck pause.
And so it is, Ive always found

When words are hard, its often true -
Should conversation run aground. . .
A cry of MURICA! will do.
#372 If you never had to worry about money, how would

you spend your time?
2014-02-06 16:18:15
/u/Qlicious
/u/Driftingdad
So Im in this position right now. I am a stay at home dad. I do not worry about money.
Today, I woke up, got my daughter out of her crib, changed a poopy diaper. Gave her
some waes, bottle of milk, banana, apple slices, turned on the classic rock station.
Talked to her while I checked the news. We then futzed around the house for a while,
I got her out of her PJs and into her normal clothes. Went and found a jacket, which
she pronounces Shaket at 21 months, because it was kind of cold. We went to a Vape
693
store in town to get some coils. Stopped by the Mall and walked around a bit just people
watching.
Got back in the car, went to this burger joint we like. I had the bacon/cheese, she had
dinosaur nuggets but really, they are just ketchup relocation devices in her hands. Drove
home. We played outside for about 2 hours until her nose started running. Went inside.
Bottle. Diaper. Book, book, book, book. . . .
Dinner time or nearly. Chopped up hot dog, Triscuits which she loves, food tube, bottle.
Book, book, book. Back in the car to get dog food. Talk to a few people I know at the
store. Drive home. Play outside some more. Dirt, dirt, rock, leaf. . .
Near bedtime, diaper, Bath, PJs, Book, book, banana, food tube. Nine on the nose she
goes to bed, shes out by 9:01. Never a peep. Reddit, porn, go in the garage, turn on my
music and the heater, work on one of my cars. Porn. Text a few friends. Play Civ V.
Play Eve and then I answer this question on Reddit right before I head to bed to do it
all again tomorrow.
This is what I do when I dont have to worry about money. And there is no better day
in the world than when I wake up, grab my daughter and she is smiling and laughing
and so happy to see me. It is how I spend every day and I cannot imagine a better one
than that. Tomorrow, her and I have absolutely no plans what so ever. So well see what
happens.
The OP never mentioned an endless supply of cash. Just enough to not worry anymore.
I think thats a key element here. Not wishing you were rich, when simply having enough
is all you need and most of what you want.
If lifes a blend of baths and beds,

And messy clothes besides -
Of dinner times, and bumps on heads
From playground swings and slides -
If lifes a mix of trips weve planned

And pondered, for a while -
Of books and walking hand in hand,
And waking to a smile -
Theres not a thing that Id prefer,

And life is full indeed.
If I can spend my days with her. . .
Ive everything I need.
694
#371 How they killed unwanted male chickens
2014-02-05 00:11:41
/u/ApplePuncherd
[Link]
/u/goingnowhere21
If there was one click that I regret today, its this one.
Of all the clicks Ive clicked today -

Of all the threads Ive seen -
Of all the pics Ive turned away
From my computer screen -
Theres only one I wont forget -

A trauma to the soul;
Theres not a sight I more regret. . .
Than chickens shredded whole.
#370 What is the most expensive or historically signifi-

cant item to ever be destroyed?
2014-02-03 22:26:17
/u/jarrydjames
/u/hannson
The Library of Alexandria. Not necessarily the most expensive or historically significant
item but I think its worth a mention.
/u/suid
Ditto the libraries of Nalanda and Taxila.
695
The Librarian of Alexandria:
Oh damned and damnation with each blasted crash!

The librarys burning and turning to ash!
My copies of quartos; my primers and tracts!
My oprints and bibles and scribe-authored facts!
My volumes of essays and albums of tomes!

My lists and my archives of noteworthy homes!
My legions of legends all lost in a flame!
If knowledge is power. . . then man, this is lame.
#369 If you could find out the truth about one conspiracy
theory, Which one would it be?
2014-02-01 16:57:09
/u/xTruzit
/u/Impaleme
Why the government is paying all the woman not to date me.
While on my way to work today

I stopped, if truth be told -
And saw her there with auburn hair
And eyes of green and gold.
If proper girls are coats and curls

And blossoms from a tree,
Then she was spice and fire and ice
And roses, wild and free.
Awash with doubt, I asked her out -

Her sigh was sad and slow.
I cant, she said, and shook her head. . .
The president says no.
696
#368 Redditors who have stolen someones lunch at work,
why are you such an asshole?
2014-01-30 21:30:37
/u/ijustwantahug
/u/Ihavenocomments
Thats why I masturbate into and onto everything in the company fridge. Because I
know that eventually, some asshole will steal someones lunch, then theyll have to eat
my semen.
To him (or her) of petty theft

And criminal incline -
I hope you savoured what was left,
And relished tastes divine.
I hope you thought your artful tricks

Had won, without a fault -
I hope you pondered on the mix
Of tuna-cheese and salt.
I hope you liked your mayo thick,

And wondered with delight
What gave it such a zesty kick
In each and every bite.
So have your fill - enjoy the blend,

But heed these words from me. . .
The special sauce came out, dear friend,
My own dispensary.
#367 What is the most shameful thing you do on a regular

basis that you just cant stop doing?
2014-01-29 00:44:28
/u/(deleted user)
697
/u/no thanks im gucci
Ive been wondering if pineapples actually make you taste better so Ive been measuring
that for a while.
Some people know my account so Im hoping this thread doesnt blow up.
edit: for those asking, what Ive noticed is that it does not necessarily taste better, only
less bad. But Ive only been at it for like 2 weeks guys so I dunno
edit the second: oy reddit just wanted to give you all a big fuck u, my friend just bought
me 5 pineapples
Surely not! I thought, astounded,

Even though it seemed it sounded
Quite absurd to me, confounded -
Started on my quest.
Where, with every source detected -

Logged and filed and bound, collected -
All the facts and files reflected
Profits in the test!
So it was that every morning,

Watching sunrise slowly dawning,
There I ate and wondered, yawning,
Tasty tang, or zest?
Thus it is, I feel acquainted

Well enough to say: its tainted.
Fucking hell, I almost fainted.
Pretty bad, at best.
#366 Whats something most people are scared of/weirded

out by that youre completely fine with?
2014-01-28 17:18:07
/u/Codoro
/u/notathrowaway4
Finding a hair in my food. I just remove it and continue eating.
698
Her eyes were wide and shocked, ablaze

With horror to her core.
She stood and screamed: In all my days,
I never thought Id ever gaze
On such as this! A woman pays
For food, not filth and gore!
She curled her lip and turned her head,

Emboldened by her cause.
The artefact, encased in bread,
Was long and fine and looped and red -
I looked to her, then sighed and said. . .
I think its one of yours.
#365 Girls of r/GoneWild: What is your life situation,

that allows you to have no problem showing your face?
2014-01-27 00:13:54
/u/TehDo0d
What do you do for a living? Why arent you concerned that your fellow employ-
ees/classmates/family/neighbors will recognize you?
Edit: You all broke my inbox
Edit 2: What!?! I dont get real Karma for this? I quit!
/u/(deleted user)
This is actually a great question.
/u/(deleted user)
Its probably pretty simple. They probably (1) dont have a significant other, or have one
thats very liberal about sex/nudity, and (2) dont really give a shit if their coworkers and
friends see them naked. Its really more a function of how comfortable with your body
being seen naked than any particular position in life.
/u/wh1terabb1t
Or they are extremely naive and think no one from the real world will see them on
gonewild.
699
/u/erra539
This is much more likely. The consequences of your coworkers or boss seeing you naked
on the Internet are huge.
Ah, yes. Hello. Just take a chair -

Not quite so close, my dear.
Perhaps a little further - there.
Thats it. Were glad youre here.
You started eighteen months ago?

Two years, you say - oh my!
Well goodness me - I didnt know,
And doesnt time just fly?
Were awful glad youve settled in -

And yet, Im sad to say -
Oh golly, where should I begin?
Youll have to leave today.
Its not your work - youve grown and thrived!

Youre perfect for the place!
Its just - the CEOs arrived,
And well. . . he saw your [f]ace.
#364 You are dropped penniless into a village in the mid-

dle of England in the year 1500. You maintain all your
current knowledge. How would you make your way to the
top?
2014-01-25 15:02:07
/u/bitcoinseemsfun
/u/jcsimpson
Id tell captivating stories as a bard. They would be based of Hollywood movies. Heareth
the tale of turtles four trained in the arts of the ninja! Or perchance the tale of master
Cobb as he walks the world of dreams!
700
Come one, come all! And gather round

For Ive a tale from days of yore!
Theres not a finer story found
Than that of ninja turtles, four!
They trained in arms, and rescued maids

From demons masked and made to kill!
They fought with stas and swords and blades,
And wit, my friends, with rapier skill!
The tavern cheered - on every head,

A look of awe; forgotten thirst -
Begin! they called. Begin! they said. . .
But whats a fucking turtle, first?
#363 If you instantly became a billionaire, what would be

the first simple thing youd buy?
2014-01-23 19:22:21
/u/JusticeMuz
/u/BecauseoftheInternet
2 chicks at the same time
701
Ive often thought - when dark despair

Arrives on meagre means -
If I became a billionaire
With wealth of kings and queens -
I wouldnt buy a yacht for trips

Or countless, shining cars -
Nor fund a scheme for rocket ships
To saunter cross the stars.
I wouldnt pay for silver shades,

Or clothes with Gucci tags -
Nor rent a fleet of twenty aides
To hold my Prada bags.
The only thing I need and lack

Id purchase, for my sins -
A girl to love, and love me back. . .
An-
No.
Wait.
Fuck it. . .
Twins.
#362 If you woke up one morning and everyone else in

the world had dropped dead, what would you do?
2014-01-23 01:27:00
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Vallessir
Reddit Im the last person alive AMA.
702
A winter breeze blew silently

Through bitter city streets -
Without a single soul to see,
I covered them in sheets.
I didnt grieve. I didnt cry.

I didnt think it through.
I wandered home and wondered why,
And whats a man to do.
It seemed to me our time had passed,

And vanished in a day.
The end, I thought, and Im the last. . .
So, fuck it: AMA.
#361 They really went the extra mile for this one.
2014-01-22 17:37:46
/u/Ying Time
[Link]
/u/KnavishSprite
Hoping thats not real cement. Real cement would be caustic and burn the skin, it would
likely asphyxiate her when it sets and stops her being able to breathe, and it would be
impossible to remove without power tools (or gravity).
/u/willyscoot
I bet a gentle hammering would do the trick
/u/chavo24
Looks like youre stuck in cement, lets see if my cock can get you out.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
703
/u/livingshangrila
Wait. . . What in the. . . Oh my god.

edit: found the link
/u/braeson
Yeah, I hate Minus too.
Theres not a lot a man could do

To stir this poets rage -
No awful act, or point-of-view,
With which he might engage.
And yet (Ill say, for what its worth),

Despite the buts and ifs -
Theres nothing more I hate on Earth
Than Minus-fucking-gifs.
#360 You can only watch one porn video for the rest of
your life, what would it be? [NSFW]
2014-01-22 03:06:42
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Imiretrof
Ahhh, the monthly Im out of fap material thread.
704
Sat at home, procrastinating,

Hope and hapless, bored and waiting,
There I turned to masturbating,
Just for stu to do -
Where I found my predilection

Held no further more aection,
Sadly feeling my erection
Dwindle bitter, blue -
Till, at last, I thought, delighted,

Thrilled and piqued and roused, excited:
Reddits monthly uninvited
Fapping thread is due!
#359 What is the first thing you think of after having an

orgasm?
2014-01-21 00:47:10
/u/CanadianAl
/u/AngeloPappas
Time to turn o this porn and get something to eat.
/u/panorama85
you forgot the immediate remorse and guilt provided by your choice of porn.
705
I sat in shame. The porn was done.

Id had my fill (and had my fun),
Then gave a single, weary sigh. . .
To think that life had passed me by.
While others lived, I loved alone;

Theyd company - I held my own.
As one, theyd laugh, with futures planned -
While I sat here with head in hand.
I cleared my search (ashamed to see

The tags for dwarves and amputee),
Then swore to change; I made a vow -
And thought. . . nah, fuck it. Hungry now.
#358 Doctors of Reddit: How often do you see patients

after they have tried to self-medicate? Whats the worst
mistake youve seen.
2014-01-18 17:01:22
/u/gibarca
As another licensed professional I often see people only after theyve tried to address their
own problems. Often this has tragic consequences. I am wondering what the proliferation
of Dr. Google is doing in other fields.
/u/Urgullibl
As a veterinarian, the holy trifecta are:
Giving aspirin to cats

Giving ibuprofen to dogs
Giving estrogen to dogs (usually done by MDs or nurses)
All three of these run a good chance of killing the animal.

Edit: As per some comments, giving acetaminophen/paracetamol to cats should also be
added as a very bad idea.
/u/StickleyMan
>Giving estrogen to dogs

I love my pooch so much, but I just wish she had bigger tits.
706
I love my dog with all my heart,

And from the start Ive always known -
No matter what, nor how we part -
If I should carry on alone -
Ill never find, from all the rest,

A dog that hugs and barks and sits
Like her for me - shed be the best. . .
If only she had bigger tits.
#357 To anyone who has ever undergone a complete 180

change of opinion on a major issue facing society (gun con-
trol, immigration reform, gay marriage etc.), what was it
that caused you to change your mind about this topic?
2014-01-17 23:19:30
/u/ClamsCasino
/u/Sarahsmydog
Abortion. I used to think it was wrong. Then my SO at the time got pregnant. She was
facing some health issues and the baby was at risk. She aborted. I wasnt fond of the
idea. It took a huge emotional toll on her and I realized it wasnt as easy on the woman as
I originally thought. It was dicult for her on a lot of levels. I realized then how deeply
personal that decision really is and how much it actually aects the person receiving it
in some cases and it made me realize no one has a right to dictate that sort of thing. Its
hard enough on its own.
/u/empathyx
Clearly the only people who know how it truly feels to have an abortion is an old rich
white man.
Hope your family is doing better now.
707
Whats that? Too young, and led astray?

A terrible excuse!
A victim of your health, you say,
Or sexual abuse?
You knew the truth? You felt the strain,

And asked: whats right for me?
You had the tests, and found the pain
And disability?
Well listen up, and dont forget -

Ill tell you, sweetheart, true -
Im old and rich and male, and yet. . .
I know whats good for you.
#356 Police ocers of reddit, have you ever been called

to a home for a paranormal reason?
2014-01-12 19:05:50
/u/jmelina
/u/dasbootendisken
My mom was a police ocer. She tells the story of an old woman who called the police
almost weekly complaining that there was a ghost in her house. Theyd go in, check it
out, and tell her they couldnt find anything.
One day, one of the guys on her squad gets dispatched to this ladys house. He busts in,
worriedly, and asks if she has a 2 litre bottle. She nods back solemnly with wide eyes and
empties out a Coke bottle she had.
Maam, Im gonna have to ask you to wait outside. It could get messy.
She runs outside to the front porch. The cop walks upstairs, lights up a cigarette and
blows the smoke into the 2L bottle. He chills for a minute or two, then comes running
out of the house, triumphantly holding the smoke-filled bottle, screaming Ive got the
ghost! Ive got the ghost!
He threw it into the back of his Crown Vic, and sped o. They never got a call from the
lady again.
Edit: Holy crap, did this ever blow up. This was around 1992, Id say. ohandthanksforgold
/u/(deleted user)
Now this is a good story!
708
Ive got the ghost! he cries aloud,

And holds the bottle high -
Inside, there curls and swirls a cloud
Of smoke; he hears her sigh.
The woman sobs: Thank god, at last!

In truth, she doesnt know
No spirit lost in ages passed
Is trapped, but even so -
She fears to go inside until

The cop (whos having fun)
Has told her that the house is still
And safe. . . and thinks its done.
And so it is, she sleeps, in parts,

In peace and hope, and then. . .
Shes unprepared. The screaming starts.
She never calls again.
#355 Confused little girl meets her fathers twin for the
first time
2014-01-11 18:07:57
/u/spydereleven
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
Omg tiny fist bump! Love it. Haha.
/u/fleckes
Someone please make a gif!
/u/mrcheyl
Hope this works

If you wanted only the fist bump
709
Theres not a single thing on Earth -

No circumstance, for what its worth -
Nor simple, honest act of love
In life, or under stars above,
Than that of which the angels sing -
A perfect act; a flawless thing.
For nothing sweeter, friends, exists. . .

Than tiny babies bumping fists.
#354 Whos the most memorable stranger youve met?

2014-01-10 18:24:22
/u/jack104
I held the door for this rather large older guy with a gigantic white beard. As he walked
past me he said Thanks Sonny, you just made my nice list.
Santa?
I glanced ahead and held the door;

His beard was long and white!
I ogled at the suit he wore -
He made a jolly sight.
You first, I said, and stayed behind

To hold it open yet -
My thanks, he spoke, thats very kind,
My friend - I wont forget.
I bid the man a fond goodbye -

He smiled and turned to go.
But as he left, I heard him sigh:
ho.
So long, and . . . ho, ho,
710
#353 Employers of Reddit what is the most fucked up
thing you have caught your sta doing? [NSFW]
2014-01-09 20:44:18
/u/Anuul
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
The sheri swung his head and swore:

Its just a damned disgrace!
Well ask Detective Steve, next door.
Im sure hes on the case!
He strode away indignant - shocked,

And cried: Hell take a look!
Well have it solved! he called, and knocked;
Hey Steve! Its. . . what the fuck ?!
#352 Reddit, what are some of the dodgiest workplace

practices youve ever witnessed?
2014-01-09 18:56:41
/u/TheRewardIsCheese
Throwaways welcome.
/u/(deleted user)
Bamboo (I think) scaolding, bare feet, several stories high. And they dont have any
safety restraints. If you lose your footing, youre done.
Also, jackhammering and pick axe work in bare feet, no hard hats, nothing.
All of it India. Every time Im there I wonder how often people are injured.
/u/delayedregistration
I live in Indonesia. A friend of mine went around to construction companies trying to sell
1200 dollar harnesses to them, their only reply was why would we pay 1200 dollars for a
harness, when if they die, we just pay the family 500 dollars?
711
/u/IranianGenius
Sounds about right. During my time in Indonesia, it seems like all anybody cares about
is making money. The corruption there is insane.
One of the times I went there, there were huge piles of trash on the sides of the road,
since nobody wanted to pay anybody else to come pick it up.
/u/catch22milo
During my time in most parts of the world, it seems like all anybody cares about is making
money.
An adage for the modern employee:
Youre only a measure for getting ahead -

They use you, abuse you, and leave you for dead.
They feed on you, needing you, bleed you for more,
Or squeeze till youre empty, then show you the door.
They chain you with half-spoken promises, yet -

Youre not irreplaceable, never forget.
Youre only a puppet, when alls said and done.
Youre plucked, and youre fucked.
Youre the golden goose, son.
#351 A friend bought party hats for her daughters b-day.

She found this hand written Chinese note stapled inside one
of them....can anyone translate??? (sorry, total noob, wasnt
sure where to go with this)
2014-01-07 18:21:33
/u/TPanz
[Link]
/u/yuxin ma2005
It looks like some sort of grammar/hand-writing practice. The messages are rather mean-
ingless and uses 1 grammar structure over and over. It could be a song or a marching
chant, but it doesnt rhyme. I searched google and baidu and no hits.
712
The handing writing is pretty bad, just a hair better than chicken scratch.
It is written by someone in the military (low ranks most likely). I can tell because the word
(internal/personal organization, a word used in military camps indicating the tidiness of
your quarters.. bed etc. ) He/she also talks about walking in ranks, another indication
of military and low ranks.
The grammar structure used over and over again is verb + one + verb. It means to
give a shot at something or do something once.
Translation: The sun light spreads across the park in the morning, we welcome a new
day. Wake each other as getting up, compare personal organization (who can make bed
better?), hurry each other as we leave. Check if the (marching) ranks are straight.
The 2nd paragraph talks about working, relations with fellow workers/soldiers.
The 3rd paragraph talks more about working hard, teamwork, good working spirit etc.
etc. Its really boring so I wont translate it word to word.
At the end 1 2 3 4 is another indication this may be some sort of marching song/chant.
Edit: Please read my reply to OP below.
/u/TPanz
and there we have it. thank you!
/u/yuxin ma2005
Holy shit.. I missed the most important line.

On the 3rd paragraph, first segment says admit mistakes and obey the law. I suddenly
realized that prisoners also have to clean their quarters and march in ranks for exercise(in
China at least). Chinese prisons are usually organized like military camps because of that
whole break you down then build you up idea. I was wondering why you would get
party hats from Chinese military and why does the military talk about working instead
of training. It all makes sense now.
Your hat is made by prison labor.
Edit: A friend told me it is good courtesy to thank the gentleman/lady for the reddit
gold. Thank you!
/u/ThisIsAHardDecision
Happy birthday!
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Translation:
I made a hat from prison, friend,

For this - your special day!
A birthday cap, with poem penned
To wish the best, and say:
Your birthdays near, and here at that!

Your presents - theirs to give!
But if they laugh or mock your hat. . .
Then use it as a shiv.
#350 What is one powerful sentence that will change the

way I look at life forever?
2014-01-04 20:20:12
/u/DionysianBarber
/u/Genrok
People arent against you: they are for themselves.
/u/TheJoePilato
I put that up on my sign as such.

It was vandalized as such.
I aint even mad.
EDIT: More of my sign. Mainly good quotes and my wiseacre commentary.
EDIT 2: All of you new readers to the blog are going to be disappointed to find all of the
quotes from this thread showing up on the sign over the next few months. Though youll
at least get to watch me figure out how to compress them to 40 characters, which can be
fun.
EDIT 3: Yall have seriously impacted my stats here: http://imgur.com/a/7bYbx#0
When folks are crude, or lewd and rude,

And wrapped up in themselves -
Just think: theyre not against you, dude,
But simply. . . for the elves.
714
#349 American commercials need to get on Japans level!
2014-01-03 23:31:07
/u/thaanongamer
[Link]
/u/Skyblaze12
Product is a potion from Final Fantasy XII, the animations used are the same as in
game
Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv99JmJdto8
/u/liquidcola
Sorry, but I prefer silent, tiny, lo-res animated gifs that provide little to no info.
Id rather sit till sore and sti

In dead of night, and squint to see
A crappy, silent, tiny gif. . .
Than video of quality.
#348 Happy New Year from Poem For Your Sprog and
Shitty Watercolour!
2014-01-01 23:07:06
[Link]
Excellent, Shitty. Excellent delivery, and superb illustrations.
Happy new year, all!
715
#347 In 100 years, what will people think is the strangest
thing about our culture today?
2014-01-01 17:25:31
/u/rutterkin
/u/TriniTornado
Hopefully, with all the recent talk of 3D printed organ templates, our descendants in 100
years will view organ transplant waiting lists as a tragic thing of the past.
When years have travelled, swift or slow,

And life has changed for all, at last,
I hope they think on us, and know
How good it is our age has passed.
Theyll never hear the news, dismayed

To find its not their time, or give
A moments thought to that, afraid
To wait. . . and wait. . . and hope to live.
#346 Reddit,whats the dumbest rule youve had to fol-

low?
2013-12-27 15:51:38
/u/tent163phantoka
EDIT: Oh my goodness, this thread exploded. I just posted this 2 hours ago.
EDIT 2: I made the Front Page!
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
716
File it all! she ordered, squinting,

Heedless to our help and hinting -
Till, at last, the thought of printing
Filled us all with dread.
Every message work-related:

Print and bound and replicated;
Marked and filed and logged and dated,
Ready to be read.
Then, one day, we ceased compiling -

Turned our printers o, and smiling,
Hugged round heaps of flaming filing.
Stop,theyd said,. . . shes dead.
#345 The safe. Some people doubted our resolve, but I

said it would be open by New Years.
2013-12-24 01:36:28
/u/mantisnzl
[Link]
/u/TheDarkDoctor
Merry Christmas, reddit. You get nothing.
/u/KHDTX13
Weve been naughty.

THANKS BOSTON BOMBING DETECTIVES!
http://i.imgur.com/RFaK1G4.jpg
717
His smile was huge. His teeth were white.

His suit was red, with buttons bright.
His beard was freshly fallen snow.
His hat was long; his eyes aglo.
AND WHO, he grinned and asked, ARE YOU?

Then boomed a mighty ho, or two,
And gave a holly, jolly sigh -
Its us, we said, its reddit. Hi.
The laughing stopped.

The smiles were done.
THATS IT! he cried, YOUVE HAD YOUR FUN!
YOU NAUGHTY SITE! YOUR DAYS ARE THROUGH!
NO GIFTS AT ALL! NO SAFE FOR YOU!
And then - before a moment more -

He ripped the hinges o the door!
He took it all, then turned to go,
And cried. . . TILL NEXT YEAR! HO-HO-HO!
:(
TL;DR:
They opened up the safe for all
With hope and joy, it seems. . .
And found it empty, wall to wall,
But full of broken dreams.
#344 What is an image or gif that freezes you with fear?

2013-12-22 18:49:19
/u/wastedlogic
Lets see some pics that will have me checking over my shoulder out of irrational paranoia.
foreveryone!
Thanks for the nightmare fuel reddit!diaperchanges
/u/Volundarkvioa
Cross my heart and hope to die. . .
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/u/jmhalder
You know why this thread Sucks? Cause I have upvote everyone that gets me to cringe.
You just made me do that
I woke alone at night in chains

Of shining steel and weighted rings
That hung from high in swollen veins,
Or twist and caught like tattered wings.
I knew the smell - the stench of death

That rose and grew as vision blurred
With every painful, broken breath,
Until - at last - a shadow stirred.
It stretched a pointed, stunted limb

That held a sharpened shape. A sigh.
A sound. A voice. A whisper, grim:
Youll cross your heart and hope to die. . .
#343 What stereotype do you believe to be true?

2013-12-21 16:56:16
/u/(deleted user)
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
Ive always found it plain to see

This truth, at any rate -
While knowledge brings humanity,
Our ignorance breeds hate.
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#342 Reddit, what were your biggest misconceptions about
sex when you were younger?
2013-12-20 23:55:27
/u/armpit thunder
/u/ticklemydildo
that when i got older i would actually have some
Though others pondered sex in youth

With childish thoughts and doubts,
I never misconceived the truth -
I knew its ins and outs.
Id read on every point-of-view

(As often as I dared);
Id wandered every avenue,
And thought myself prepared.
And yet - despite these hopes and dreams

As childhood passed me by -
Id presupposed a fact, it seems. . .
And thought Id get to try.
#341 Twas the season for giving! Im Snoop n Im ready to

read ur favorite Xmas stories n give 1 of you an internship
wit melets help these kids !!
2013-12-18 21:14:00
/u/Here Comes The King
PROOF: http://i.imgur.com/kT2ycxg.jpg?1 U asked for it n u got it !! its simple, just

post in this thread ur own Xmas story or a classic one (story, song, poem) n Ill choose
one from the most upvoted few to read or rap !
Im doin this to raise some Xmas $ for my non-profit, the Snoop Youth Football League,
which gives inner city kids the chance to get o the streets n participate in football n
cheer. We teach them all about dedication, hard work, n self respect.
If you support the campaign wit a small donation, youll have the chance to win an
internship with ME for a day in LA !! well get lunch at Roscoes, play some video games,
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plan out world domination n decorate some trees.
Donate $200+ n you will also be GUARANTEED a signed pack of rolling papers from
the boss !! The perfect gift for the holidays!
Check it out n help these kids for a better future!! www.prizeo.com/snoop
Post ur stories n imma read the best ones on video !
UPDATE! Been travelin around d world but dont u think i forgot about my reddit peeps
!! ill be choosin my favorite stories soon n postin tha vids. dont forget to donate to d
SYFL campaign n help out these kids !!
My eort. Bit long though.
#340 Guys of Reddit, what girly thing do you really want

to do or try but it is socially unacceptable?
2013-12-17 01:31:16
/u/AaronRodgers16
/u/baseballwiz
Wear yoga pants. Ive worn them in private before. it feels like kittens hugging your legs.
Ive heard them say Im full of wit

And whim, and fair of face;
The perfect blend, they all admit,
Of intellect and grace.
Ive mastered love and style and tact;

I ooze the debonair.
Ive everything I need, in fact -
Except the perfect pair.
For though Ive all I want it seems,

I curse (in private rants)
The bitter truth - my foolish dreams. . .
Of men in yoga-pants.
721
#339 What do you most miss from your childhood?
2013-12-13 18:37:18
/u/JEZTURNER
EDIT: Thanks for all the memories everyone, I hadnt realised this would be so heart-
wrenching.
/u/(deleted user)
Waking up, pulling on yesterdays shorts and shirt, and running out the door. No phone,
wallet or keys. No plans. youd come back when you got hungry.
Thanks for popping my golden cherry. Hehe.
/u/DanielAntRoberts
And finding that damned near perfect stick. STICK!!! THE ULTIMATE CHILDHOOD
COMPANION!!!
(I know I know, everyone wants a log)
/u/(deleted user)
One time a door-to-door toy salesman came round, spotted 4yo me, and promptly tried
to sell my mum on some fandangled contraption with the claim it was educational. I
remember my ma saying A stick and a pile of dirt. Thats whats educational!. Christ
I loved sticks sigh
I made a world from thought alone. . .

But that was then - for now Im grown,
I hardly ever think of lands
Where sailors sail on golden sands,
Or pirates cross the seven seas
To dig for long-forgotten keys
That opened chests to treasures old,
Or mountains high and caverns cold.
I leave my room with keys to work -

To duties that I cannot shirk.
I work each day with thoughts in mind
Of bills to pay, and cash to find.
I pay the bills, and trudge toward
A house I know I cant aord.
I go to sleep, exhausted, quick. . .
And dream about the perfect stick.
722
#338 Whats your dirtiest secret?
2013-12-10 21:39:15
/u/(deleted user)
Update: WOW Reddit you blew my mind! I have never read so much in my
life! Thank you to all the awesome answers! I tried to read all of them. . . but
as you may have realized, there are too many! :) Thanks again and I wish
you all a lovely week and end of 2013! :)
/u/Bk7
No throwaway needed. I was once laying around at my apartment watching T.V. and
thought, I could pee my pants right now and no one would know. So I did. And now
you all know.
Edit: I was 23 years old at the time.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Dontquestionmyexista
Thats kind of dierent there buddy
He gagged and hurled a retching heave

Of blended bile and food:
You cant. . . he cried, I cant believe
You. . . did you?! Did you, dude?
Hed said enough. I shook my head,

Our friendship likely done.
I did, I sighed, and sadly said. . .
I shit myself for fun.
723
#337 What secret did your family keep from you until
you were an adult?
2013-12-07 18:27:47
/u/aves2k
How did you ultimately find out and how did you take it?
/u/winterandautumn
When I was six my hamster died while we were on holiday so my grandparents bought a
new one the same colour.
I only found out about this earlier this year! We all thought you knew, they said.
Looking back, I do remember thinking she was smaller than before. My family were
worried that I was smart enough to figure out the ruse straight away, but I sure showed
them!
edit: thanks for the gold, stranger!
/u/Brazen212
Love the ending lol
His cheeks had had their final fill;

Hed gnawed and nipped his last.
His wheel had turned; the cage was still. . .
When Hammy Hamster passed.
I didnt mope. I didnt cry -

Nor weep, or moan, and bawl.
I didnt grieve, or say goodbye. . .
I didnt know at all.
724
#336 Married men of reddit- how unreasonable is it for
wives to expect you to not watch porn and/or masturbate.
Do you all do it?
2013-12-07 14:42:48
/u/Slingyourhammock
Edit: to be fair to myself I think Ill elaborate. Im pretty good at initiating sex, but
yesterday I caught my husband fapping to something on his phone while he was meant
to be watching the toddler in the bath in the next room. He hadnt come to me for sex
and been rejected. I was horrified both at the secrecy and at the fact that the toddler
could have drowned. He said he could hear her and whats the problem. Thoughts? Did
I bring this situation on myself coz I dont like him watching porn?
/u/Hoodafakizit
If shes asking you not to do it while shopping in the supermarket together, then perhaps
it could be considered reasonable
My dear, you know Id never try

To stop whats only right
Youve got your needs, and so do I,
She said, to my delight.
Ive always said, I heard her say,

On-line, youre free to roam. . .
But maybe put your cock away,
And wait till we get home.
#335 Haircutters of Reddit, what was the nastiest hair

youve ever had to cut?
2013-12-06 19:47:47
/u/saiek
Edit: [NSFL] Not Safe For Lunch. Appetite lost.
/u/caitens08
Hmmm. . . lets see. . . I once had a spider crawl out of someones hair (granted it could
have just crawled tree, not the persons fault) I just kind of tried to knock it with my
725
comb non chalantly so they wouldnt freak out. Ive had guys that have so many bumps,
scabs and flakes on their scalps that youre constantly knocking them o and they get
caught in the teeth of your comb. The ones that dont wash it and its wet with grease
and a wave of stale cigarettes stench assaulting my nostrils is nice too. ALWAYS keep
hand sanitizer and cosmetic alcohol disinfectant on hand!
/u/saiek
> The ones that dont wash it and its wet with grease
I regret making this thread while eatting lunch.
It. . . sat. As though a blackened stew

Of spit and spew with rancid core
Had fastened to his skull with glue -
Or will alone, and nothing more.
It sat. . . and stank, like rotted fruits,

Or cankers rank that festered there
Through swamps of crawling, broken roots,
In tangled webs of greasy hair.
It sat. . . and pooled in heaps and twists

That curled and looped as though to snatch
And drag beneath its sores and cysts
To drown in ooze - to feed; to catch.
It sat. . . and stared. And watched the blade,

As if to say: And what? Admit
Im potent babe, and writhed and swayed
And mocked its prey. . .
. . . I fucking quit.
#334 Nelson Mandela has passed away.

2013-12-05 23:28:37
/u/dntcareboutdownvotes
[Link]
726
/u/RanchWorkerSlim
May he forever be remembered in history, it wont just be a family mourning, it will be

a whole world. A true legend.
/u/kiraella
He was one of the first people who really inspired me. RIP.
/u/OnlyDebatesTheCivil
He truly lived his life by the poem that got him through prison:
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
/u/(deleted user)
Invictus, by William Ernest Henley.
I thought that courage lay, as youth,

In story-books alone, and dreams
Of shining knights and fabled truth. . .
Until I grew, for now it seems:
A man can pass through life afraid

To stand for right and wrong; to see
With apathetic eyes, and fade. . .
While others fashion history.
727
This seems like a good place to speak (so to speak) out of verse for the first
time in the year and a half since I started this account.
Its something of an understatement, I know, but this really is a loss for

humanity. I remember being bought a book of inspirational speeches
by a well-meaning uncle for Christmas about fifteen years ago and,
though disappointed not to have received the second Harry Potter,
slowly reading Nelson Mandelas address to the court during his trial
while my family watched re-runs of Wallace and Gromit movies. As
distracting as that scene might seem, I can still remember the feeling I
had as - with silent chills and utter respect - I read over the last of his
closing lines:
>I have cherished the ideal of a free society in which people can live together
in harmony and equality. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to
achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.
Even now, I cant recall the moment without that feeling in my chest. You
know the one.
Forgive any mistakes above - Im quoting from memory as best as I can.
All the very best.
Sprog.
#333 Whats the most dangerous thing you have done at

work?
2013-12-04 21:33:02
/u/theyeatthepoo
/u/SteveBuscemisTeeth
I once worked on an Excel spreadsheet for several hours without saving. Dont fuck with
me.
728
On distant lands where futures die

And shadows lie as black as coal,
Ive walked the sands beneath a sky
Where tempests cry and tear the soul.
They speak it there, where legends dwell

Of those who fell before me, brave. . .
For few compare to when they tell
My tale: Excel, without a save.
#332 If you could destroy one item in the world forever.

Which one and Why?
2013-12-03 00:41:03
/u/ChestHairModel
/u/Wharnbat
Whatever creaks at 3am making me think someone just killed my family.
/u/jdpatric
Thats soil settling!

The soil under your house is compacted heavily during construction to prevent soil settling
from cracking the foundation (and other parts, but mostly the foundation) of your house.
The soil will, nonetheless, settle throughout the life of the house because of several factors;
time, soil type, coarseness/fineness of the soil, and the moisture content (which will vary)
of the soil. The soil will also expand and contract ever so slightly with temperature, and
dont even get me started on a freeze/thaw cycle if you live in that area. - Edit Spelling
Source - civil engineer
inthehallway. . .
Or it could be theaxmurderer
/u/Z3F
Yes, yes. Its the soil :)

Its all in you head :)
Go back to bed :)
:)
729
In dead of night, I dream alone

Of cries and haunted shrieks -
The sigh of ghosts; an eerie groan.
I wake. . . the darkness creaks.
With rising dread, I fear the source,

And wait, aghast, for more -
But nothing ever comes, of course,
Exactly as before.
I curse my over-active mind.

The tension ebbs and slacks.
A closer creak, and more behind. . .
Its just the house. Rela-.
#331 Whats a law that is broken almost everyday, but is

not a big deal?
2013-12-01 18:38:23
/u/oh lawd24
/u/closethecurtain
Well where I live, oral sex is considered illegal and a crime against nature. Guess Ive
committed crimes against nature prettttty often. . .
/u/(deleted user)
Are you a girae?
/u/closethecurtain
what???
/u/tkh0812
Answer the question
730
/u/closethecurtain
Definitely not a girae
/u/Tiafves
Thats what Id expect a girae to say.
/u/danrennt98
send us a pic of your neck
Her neck was long and slender, pure

As fallen snow; a lovers laugh;
And perfect end to end, Im sure. . .
But unmistakably girae.
#330 Clerks who have worked in pharmacy photo devel-

oping labs, whats the strangest thing youve seen on a roll
of film someone brought in? (NSFW)
2013-12-01 02:19:11
/u/AckbarsAttache
/u/metallicashie
I work at oce depot and printed someones files and it was images and images of
dead burned naked bodies. He was a lawyer and needed them for court. It was about an
apartment building that caught fire. Those were the victims. I politely called him and
said please warn us next time. It was very graphic.
731
I asked to have them back and flashed

A humble smile, ashamed, abashed -
A mix of rue, regret, and woe
(That found its mark). She let them go.
But really dear! You should have said!

She closed her eyes and shook her head.
An awful thing. A tragic day.
A building blaze? For court you say?
A moment passed. She sighed and frowned,

Just wait till word of this gets round!
I shared her disapproving view,
And thought. . . Ill have to burn her too.
#329 When was the first time you felt like an adult?
2013-11-27 18:23:53
/u/Ocer DanDan
/u/YourInternetHistory
Instead of going home for the holidays, you begin to visit your parents for the holidays.
I closed the door and turned away,

Then thought Id likely left behind
A dozen things Id need today. . .
Though nothing ever springs to mind.
Id packed some clothes. Id locked the door.

Id checked the presents: wrapped and brought.
Id cleaned the fridge and mopped the floor,
And thought, I think, of all I ought.
And yet, the thought persisted small -

Until I knew, with sombre smile,
I wasnt going home at all. . .
But only visiting a while.
732
#328 Females of Reddit: What thoughts commonly go
through your head while giving a blowjob?
2013-11-23 18:20:22
/u/sgtjayp
Do you think about the act? Making dinner? Solving world peace? What are you
thinking about?!
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/red321red321
Youre now tagged as Count Cockula.
/u/way fairer
Thats one stroke, two strokes, three strokes, ha ha ha.
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I heard in Transylvania
A legend known to few -
A shroud of myth and mania,
As twisted as a screw.
(A castle stands alone at height

Above a dusky town -
A crack of thunder splits the night;
A rain comes rolling down.)
The village people knew the truth -

The damned, disturbed, depraved;
Their mothers told them tales in youth
To keep them well behaved.
(At midnight, breezes blow and sigh;

A storm begins to stir -
The thunder rolls; the tempests cry
For aeons lost; for her.)
And so I sleep and hear it yet,

When shadows prowl and lurk -
The voice. . . that laugh. . . I cant forget. . .
Count Cockula at work.
(. . . One!)
(. . . Two!)
(. . . THREE. . . )
#327 What is something you wish you could experience

again for the first time?
2013-11-20 16:50:34
/u/StrikeAnywherePanda
/u/RicsFlair
Love/Infatuation that I felt for a girl in late highschool. That was the best year and a
half of my life. I will never forget how awesome that Christmas was. I still think about
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sitting on my parents porch, her on my lap, in a rocking chair. Chain smoking cigarettes,
feeling the spring breeze reflect o of her onto me. I still have never felt the urge to
kiss somebody so hard and so long as I felt for her. She was my first everything. I still
associate songs with her. I would do anything, ANYTHING, to go back and relive that
year and half with her. So I can tell her to fuck o. That girl ruined a good portion of
my early twenties after I found out that she cheated on me.
Thank you for the gold! I shall regift it to somebody who feels the pain that I did.
/u/Axerlite
And too think I was going to stop reading your comment half way through. . .
I loved her with the purity

And innocence of youth -
Immune to insecurity;
To fear and doubt - to truth.
For while I slept and dreamt the dreams

A wiser man can not. . .
She went around the town, it seems,
And fucked the fucking lot.
#326 Broke a million karma just now. I dont know if that

calls for any celebration, so heres a sketch of some statues.
2013-11-20 15:19:42
[Link]
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/u/DouchebagMcshitstain
Ironically, this thread seems to be a karma graveyard. /u/AWildSketchAppeared, lets

see you draw that!
http://i.imgur.com/fB01HKK.jpg
In periwinkle rows of stone,

They stood, and each apart -
And every one, a dream, alone,
Of hope; a broken heart.
A hundred comments, cold and stark -

A thousand tears were cried. . .
They say he passed the million mark
While others drudged and died.
#325 What are some sex etiquette rules that you think
everyone should be aware of ?
2013-11-18 18:22:13
/u/clydesmooth
From basic etiquette to more obscure. EDIT: Obligatory front page edit, I honestly didnt
expect this to blow up. First time on the front page.
/u/(deleted user)
Dont remove anal beads like youre trying to start a lawnmower
/u/thewildblueindoor
Braces foot against ass cheek, leans in, wipes sweat from brow. . .
Edit: Thanks for the gold!!! Kinda been a crummy day for me and that put a smile on
my face!
/u/dlmcleo1
and. . . prolapse.
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Their breaths were small and shallow, hushed,

With every touch that skimmed and brushed
Another, rosy-skinned and flushed,
And lost within a lovers art,
Until, when every moment rushed,
They stilled and lay apart.
He heard her sigh from cross the bed;

Her eyes were blue; her lips were red,
And pouted when he shook his head.
But how? she asked, in tones of doubt,
Until, at last, he smiled and said:
Like so,. . . and ripped them out.
#324 Former groupies of Reddit, what was your experi-

ence? (NSFW)
2013-11-17 00:01:41
/u/Bhighkin
Obviously Im not asking for names of rock stars, but I was thinking that if we hear
stories about how many hundreds and even thousands of women these rock stars had sex
with, then there have to be some with a story or two.
Im going to go ahead and make this NSFW to be on the safe side.
/u/SleepTalkerz
Obligatory not me, but I have a female friend who met and hooked up with a very
well-known baseball player a few years ago. In the morning, he was gone when she woke
up, but his assistant or someone gave her this gift bag full of expensive shit (like an iPod,
designer sunglasses, etc.) and some high-end gift cards on her way out of his place, along
with a note that said thanks for a great night or something along those lines. She said
he was a perfect gentleman. Apparently, from what Ive heard, this is a pretty regular
thing. All his one-night stands get a goody bag.
edit: whoa. . . inbox explosion. Im not going to say who it was, but I will say that
surprisingly enough, apparently, the dude who drilled my friend was not Derek Jeter. I
mean, Im not the biggest Jeter fan (Sox fan here), but autographed pictures after sex?
Really? Sounds kinda douche-y. Anyway. . . . I should also add that she thought the
parting gifts were a little creepy and weird. She says she didnt keep them, but gave
them as gifts to family/friends. He was completely down-to-Earth/charming/gentleman-
like during the whole evening beforehand, of course, making the awkward morning-after
routine a little unexpected.
edit 2: some wording
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/u/whiskeynwaitresses
Derek Jeter
I woke alone in underwear

All covered in his scent;
And though I didnt find him there,
I didnt fret; I didnt care -
I didnt mope or moan, despair -
Hed been the perfect gent.
And so I left - but not before

Id heard a friendly shout;
His aide had opened up a door
To half a dozen rooms or more
With souvenirs and gifts galore,
To say: Theyre yours! . . . get out.
#323 If a man with a knife barged into where you are right
now with the intention of murdering you, whats something
within 10 feet of you that you could use as a weapon?
2013-11-16 22:11:46
/u/literate caveman
/u/knowses
An ax sitting against my living room wall. I saw a nice one at Home Depot the other day
and spontaneously bought it. You can do these things when youre a bachelor.
EDIT: Here is a pic Imgur
/u/punkpixzsticks
My husband does this all the time, so, if you find the right SO, you can do this too.
/u/faceimploder
I make spontaneous purchases like that all the time; my SO doesnt approve, but she
doesnt put up much of a fight about it, so it keeps happening.
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/u/BarelyOriginal
well shit, your SO comes home with an ax spontaniously, you dont say Honey, you cant
keep that! you shut the fuck up and hope youre not the reason they bought it
Ive waited up all night, she cried,

And rubbed her aching head -
This really cant go on! she sighed. . .
I bought an axe, he said.
She stood apart without a peep,

In air of sudden ice.
Her eyes were wide. She swallowed deep,
And said. . . Okay. Thats nice.
#322 What misfortunes have you had for being too polite
to say No?
2013-11-15 20:33:38
/u/(deleted user)
/u/ mayhem
I attended a casting call for a local play. The audition was very open and we all watched
eachother perform. After the audition, I was approached by a fellow auditioner who said
he was writing and directing another play that would be presented around the same time
as the piece being casted. He said that he really liked my performance and would like to
use me in his show.
I was flattered but at the same time, this guy gave o a semi creepy vibe. He seemed
sweet though, and I figured there would be other people in the play so, what can go
wrong?
well. . . . A week later I get a copy of the script. and its. . . Its horrible, its the worst
bit of ramboling bullshit Id ever read. Its 5 pages of monologue spoken by one old blind
southern woman. I was a 23 yr old girl. . . Suddenly I wasnt so flattered to be in the
piece.
The whole premise of this piece is an old woman sitting and talking randomly to herself.
I wanted to write him back SO badly and say, Thank you, but Im not interested. Or, Im
busy, or my dot died. . . ANYTHING! but I just couldnt. Instead I begrudgingly wrote
when do we start rehearsing? and said its not bad UGH!
What followed was the longest 2 months of my life. Twice a week Id meet this guy in
the theater and recite the 5 pages of monologue. He wanted me to speak with a southern
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accent, of which I dont have. Ive never been good at accents and I knew I sounded
ridiculous.
He tried to get me to do some character development on a character that made no sense at
all. Id ask him questions like so if this woman is born blind, how does she know what the
color yellow is enough to be obsessed with it? and hed respond well how do YOU think
shed know THATS NOT A FUCKING ANSWER! YOUR PLAY DOESNT MAKE
SENSE!
hed say things like.. lets put a suitcase on the floor next to you. and Id say why?
and hed just say why do you think shed have a suitcase? OMG! WTF!
Anyway. cut to the end. night of the performance Im back stage, dressed convincingly
like an old woman, complete with stage wrinkles. And the Director comes back stage and
says you dont have to go on if you dont want to. Im like. . . what? I peek around the
curtain and there isnt a single person in the audience. I said fuck it and went out on
stage, recited my damn lines, and left.
TLDR: got asked to be in a play. Spent two months working on the worst play Ive ever
read. Performed to an empty room. (sorry it was so long)
EDIT: OMG guys. dog. not dot.
/u/AmericanPsychonaut
Why do you think nobody showed up?
/u/way fairer
BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES YOU AND YOUR PLAY SUCKS!
Behind the stage I sat in fear -

The end had come; the hour was near.
I read my lines and cursed it all -
The stupid play; the southern drawl.
A curtain twitched, and there he stood:

Theres no one here! Im done for good!
I heaved a sympathetic sigh,
Then smiled and said. . . Thank God. Goodbye.
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#321 Hey Reddit, what is the sexiest thing youve seen
someone do that didnt involve the removal of clothes? (NSFW)
2013-11-14 18:01:02
/u/baconhater75
/u/danrennt98
I saw a guy helping someone who dropped the contents of their bag on the street with a
smile on his face. Helping someone/Being genuinely kind is a huge, huge turn-on.
/u/FabulousFlavor
I find that a man helping kids is an especially big turn on. At Subway a while back, there
were a couple of young kids in front of my boyfriend and I in line. Turns out that they
didnt bring enough money to pay for all their food. My boyfriend stepped up and paid
for their whole meal. I dragged him into the bedroom and sucked his dick as soon as we
got home.
/u/fuckingdubstep
I should start helping kids
/u/idk bro
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY CHILD YOU PERVERT
/u/(deleted user)
Tryna get a blowjob what are you doing?
741
Hes nice to kids! my sister said,

The perfect man of dreams!
But truth is slow to rear its head,
And never what it seems.
Oh what I wouldnt do to spend

A moment in his arms!
But that was then - before the end,
And lost to lust and charms.
A guy like him must really care!

She spoke with pride and preened. . .
A word of warning, friends - beware
The philanthropic fiend.
#320 you ARE your username. how do you feel?

2013-11-13 19:57:48
/u/malcs85
/u/Fisted By The HULK
Sore and loose
> Sore and loose
~ Fisted_By_The_HULK
http://i.imgur.com/mBhZcPo.jpg
/u/artisticchipmunk
clinch
742
Flashing lights and sirens sending

Sharpened bolts of pain unending -
Vision fading; dark descending
Shadows come to skulk.
Lost and longing deaths salvation,

Hearing urgent conversation:
Doctor, whats the situation?
Morphine, man, in bulk!
Slipping in and out, and dreaming

Nightmares neath the spotlights gleaming;
Waking in the night and screaming. . .
Fisted by the Hulk!
#319 Has anyone actually taken the advice from Cosmo

to spice up their bedroom technique? What disaster did it
create? [NSFW]
2013-11-10 21:59:11
/u/(deleted user)
Whenever I read Cosmo the sex tips sound terrible, particularly anything involving hot
and cold applied directly to the genitals. Has anyone actually tried these things out?
How (un)successful was the experience?
/u/way fairer
Cosmo is total bullshit. For example:

>A Cosmo poll found that 34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them
with oral when they walk in the door.
Source: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/tips-moves/oral-sex-tips
Who the fuck is this 66 percent turning down a surprise blowjob?! I mean, if I walked
in my door and a homeless person was sitting on the couch and oered me a blowjob Id
probably go along with it.
/u/(deleted user)
hoblo
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/u/AMerrickanGirl
Well, a blow job is still a job!
/u/RabidMuskrat93
Im not gay, but 20 dollars is 20 dollars.
No matter what - a girl, a guy,

Nor man or woman made -
Theres nothing wrong with gay or bi. . .
So long as I get paid.
#318 If you woke up one morning as the opposite sex,

what s the first thing you would do?
2013-11-09 16:11:11
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Superkaiju
Id freak the fuck out. If this isnt anyones first reaction theyre weird as shit. Honestly,
you wake up and your shit is all flip flopped? Id be scared as fuck and confused. Now,
after i calm down and accept whats going on. . . Ill more then likely masturbate.
/u/StoryTellerBob
Hm. . . Something definitely feels dierent. Maybe its the new sheets. I did say we
shouldnt have changed them. Never change a winning concept, thats what I said, but no,
Anna said wed been using them for 6 months and there was food, sweat and something
that might be dried blood on them and it was about time someone changed them. That
wasnt it though, there was something else. Thats when it hit me.
I opened a bleary eye and peered down at my crotch while poking it gently. Yep, thats
definitely a vagina, and Im pretty sure it wasnt there last night. I kind of liked being
a man. I even think I was good at it, but maybe God, like Anna, wasnt listening to
the whole Never change a winning concept thing and instead decided to mix things up.
Keep things exciting.
Honey, Im a woman now. Thought you should know, I said and nudged Annas shoulder
until she woke up. What are you talking about?, she grumbled, trying to go back to
sleep, but I thought this was the kind of thing you should tell someone youre in a
744
relationship with, so I persisted. Im definitely a woman now. Ive got breasts and
everything. The whole works. On that note, whats up with breasts? I never realized
they were so heavy and intrusive. Its like wearing a backpack back-to-front, except you
cant take it o.
Im not in the mood for your shit, Anna complained, but she rolled over and looked
at me. I figured explaining would be a bother, instead I lifted the covers and gave her
a peek at what was going on and that definitely seemed to get the point across, because
she jumped to her feet and started screaming and freaking out, as if I hadnt just told
her twice already that I was a woman now.
Well, I sighed, might as well masturbate.
Said Marge to Maeve,

Your husband Dave,
I havent seen a while.
Her face was grave,
Until she gave
A condescending smile.
Whats up, my dear?

She asked with cheer,
And oered up a sigh.
I think its clear
He isnt here.
Has something gone awry?
Her friend replied,

Oh Marge, Ive tried
To lead a simple life -
But now, she sighed,
Im lost, she cried. . .
And Daves my fucking wife!
#317 If you woke up one morning as the opposite sex,

what s the first thing you would do?
2013-11-09 15:47:00
/u/(deleted user)
745
/u/Superkaiju
Id freak the fuck out. If this isnt anyones first reaction theyre weird as shit. Honestly,
you wake up and your shit is all flip flopped? Id be scared as fuck and confused. Now,
after i calm down and accept whats going on. . . Ill more then likely masturbate.
/u/Sweetmilk
Every aspect of my social and family life, and even the way I perceive myself, is irre-
versibly upended. Oh my god what am I going to doWHOA I CAN TOUCH A PUSSY
FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE
/u/SG Dave
>I CAN TOUCH A PUSSY

fixd
:(
If I awoke and found the change,

I wouldnt moan or cry -
I wouldnt stop and think it strange,
Nor hang my head and sigh.
Id never long for long ago;

For things I lost; for me -
For then, at least, at last Id know
A womans company.
#316 Ladies of reddit, whats the non creepiest way I

can approach you in public if I dont know you but Im
interested in you?
2013-11-03 19:29:12
/u/blackthought
/u/Horizontal Runner
Try to look for something to comment on that is fairly neutral first. For example, if she
is carrying a book, or is ordering a certain drink (even at a coee place not just alcoholic)
or has a certain college or design on a shirt etc. . . comment on that first. If you dont
746
know the book she is carrying, say that book looks interesting and I have been trying
to find something new to read lately, are you enjoying it so far? Or say thats a kind
of coee I have never tried, would you recommend it? or I love that coee flavor as well,
I order it often. The next part is harder because you have to be able to transition that.
Also, you have to make sure to read social cues, and figure out if she wants to keep
talking before you try to transition. If I am turning away from you slowly, or trying to
head towards the door, do not keep talking. If I am facing you and laughing, or adding
new input into the conversation, by all means keep talking.
I imagine that sometimes there will be nothing obviously neutral to comment on, so create
something. Are you inside a certain store or restaurant - well there you go! Talk about
the store or certain items found inside. Are you outside? Talk about how you enjoy the
cold weather because you like to ski, even if she doesnt, it gives her a chance to respond
if she wants to.
This might not be the best way for all women, but I enjoy a guy that gives me the chance
to comment back, if I so choose. If I am not interested I will not be rude, but I will be
short and concise and leave the area swiftly. If I am interested or intrigued, I will respond
with a more thoughtful answer and create a comment that will keep the conversation
going.
It is the guys who just comment on a physical thing first that I find creepy, like wow
your eyes are gorgeous. . . I never know how to respond to that other than an awkward
thanks.
Also, there have been times in my life where I was very interested in a guy but was
too nervous to continue the conversation because my mind was blanking. . . that
sucks, so dont always take it hard if a girl isnt saying much.
TL;DR I like when a guy talks about something neutral other than my looks, as well as
something that will start a conversation, not just a one sided comment.
*Edit - To clarify: I NEVER walk away while someone is talking. I meant I walk away
when there is a lull in the conversation instead of trying to continue it.
/u/(deleted user)
To add to this, practice with people you arent interested at first. A little old man/lady at
the coee shop? Talk to them a few mins about their day. A guy your age who is wearing
your favorite bands shirt? Talk and just be friendly. Young couple with kids? Make
faces at the kids or wave. Oer whatever help you might be, like picking up a dropped
item or oering a hand when someone clearly needs a step. Once you get comfortable
being that person approaching a cute girl is no problem, shes a real person and youve
approached a real person a hundred times.
edit: thanks for the gold! I dont know what to say :)
/u/Horizontal Runner
I love this!!! I once had a great conversation with an older couple at a bar. That really
helped me get used to talking to strangers, while not being worried about a romantic side
of things.
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This is great advice.
/u/hobokenbob
Are you kidding? Fact: 97% of older couples at bars are cruisin for a younger third party
for wierd roleplay sex.
/u/Ontrek
Which bars? I need locations and times.
They oered up a friendly smile,

And said: Youre awful sweet
To talk to us old folks a while;
To share a bite to eat.
. . . I woke alone at night in dread,

And nude as nude can be -
Youre such a lovely boy, theyd said. . .
And drugged my fucking tea.
#315 Dads, what surprises you about raising girls? Moms,

what surprises you about raising boys?
2013-11-01 19:05:37
/u/blushRedTail
/u/ScarletRhi
My dad said the thing that surprised him about raising girls was the fact that they are
even more gross than guys.
748
A lipstick world of powder pink,

I thought, in foolish pride -
Of beads and bracelets, link to link;
Of secrets shed confide.
I dreamt of dolls and dresses made

In lace of perfect white;
Of innocence; of hair to braid;
Of purity and light.
I fantasised a world, it seems,

Of womanhood and whim -
But found it nothing more than dreams. . .
Cos girls are fucking grim.
#314 What was that?? *peers down the basement stairs*

2013-10-28 22:56:55
/u/cupcake1713
[Link]
/u/platinumbinder
The thumbnail for this post is unlike any of the other subreddits I am subscribed to and
mildly alarmed me
Surfing reddit, nearly napping,

Bleary-eyed and yawning, tapping
Every thread (with breaks for fapping),
Always seeking more -
When I spied with aberration

Just a tiny illustration,
Peering close in trepidation,
Dazed by what I saw -
What the fuck? I cried in wonder,

Delectation torn asunder -
Screaming to the sound of thunder,
Shaken to the core. . .
749
#313 If your SO lost their memory, what would you not
tell them about yourself ?
2013-10-26 23:47:57
/u/GTKMinecraft
/u/fourpercent
That one time I was trying to be daring and tried rescuing that duck from the mini
whirlpool in pond, but ended up falling in and had to be rescued by her.
/u/StickleyMan
>had to be rescued by her

That is one heroic duck. Good thing she was there to save you.
Beneath the bitter light of day,

I splashed and called her name -
She looked at me, then turned away
And hung her head in shame.
The others stared and gathered round

As darkness came to creep -
They watched me as I screamed and drowned
In waters three-foot deep.
I begged for help a final time

Before I faced the black;
And heard, at last, a sound sublime -
A single, fearless. . . quack .
#312 If all animals could successfully breed with each

other, which two animals would make the most terrifying
or hilarious ospring?
2013-10-26 20:55:02
/u/DixieWrecket
And why?
750
/u/danrennt98
A sloth and a cheetah. It would be the most average speed.
/u/way fairer
Watch as the sloth cheetah briskly walks after her prey. Beautiful creature.
See how it hunts at a medium pace -

Marvellous creature! The first of its kind!
Look as it gradually oers the chase -
Leaving (bout half of) the others behind.
There! Neath the sun of an African day -

Standing as still as a waterless sea!
Patient for hours to capture its prey -
Sitting there silent. . . and stalking a tree.
Watch as it climbs with its claws to a bough

(Causing, albeit, the branches to bend).
Laugh at the marvel of nature, and now -
Count yourself lucky to see it, my friend.
Sloth and a cheetah, so graceful and slick;

Sleek as a puma, and fast as a brick.
#311 Teachers and professors, what is the most desperate

thing a student has tried in order to get an A?
2013-10-24 20:54:57
/u/AnActualSupport
Edit: Obligatory NSFW tag. You never know. Mandatory first page edit: Wow guys, this
blew up. Hello Tyler!
/u/(deleted user)
Study.
Edit: Wow, being gilded is the kind of thing I never thought would happen to me! Its
exactly what I needed this week, thank you so much!
751
/u/Paquet94
damn, that is desperate
/u/catch22milo
You have to be an aggressive learner, really hit the books.
/u/toxicbox
YOU STUPID FUCKING BOOK. TELL ME YOUR SECRETS
They waited together outside in the hall;

The teacher was coming - hed answered their call.
They watched captivated, but none said a word -
Theyd grouped and theyd gathered as soon as they heard.
What is it? What is it? Get out of my way!

Its Steven, headmaster, he wanted an A!
You said he should study an- anyway, look. . .
Hes been there for hours just punching a book.
#310 Women of Reddit, When looking at porn what do

you search? NSFW
2013-10-22 21:44:17
/u/curioussearch
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/(deleted user)
It just blows my mind that women get their porn by reading
/u/gangnam style
Why do you think 50 Shades of Gray sells so many copies?
752
/u/chunky dolphin
50 Shades of Gray is bottom tier smut.

EDIT Okay so apparently I need to break down my definition of bottom tier smut to
all you gooches. When I say bottom tier, I mean I read better stu on literotica when
I was 15 years old than the nonsense that has sold however many million copies online.
And yes, bottoms are funny. Classic.
/u/gangnam style
Well its socially acceptable to read so it sells like hot cakes.
Hypocrisy! I cried with scorn -

She sighed and turned her head.
Oh darling, no. This isnt porn.
Its Literature, she said.
#309 What is the worst case of bad parenting you have

ever seen?
2013-10-20 17:31:20
/u/munofear
/u/(deleted user)
Im a waiter at a chain restaurant prominent in my area, not the worst case of parenting
Ive seen but this is the one that comes to mind.
Two overweight women come in with their kids. When asked what to drink, one of the
kids replies with an enthusiastic Apple juice! Mom looks at her kid, says, No, honey,
you just had juice in the car. So the kid pouts a second, but then his face brightens and
he says, Water! Mom looks over at him, says, No, son! You dont like water! You can
have coke, sprite, or dr. pepper!
He orders a sprite. The other kid takes his lead and orders dr. pepper.
753
Dessert? she asked, content to sigh -

An ice-cream float, some pumpkin pie?
A chocolate bar (or two, or four)?
A taste of torte - or something more?
A tray of tart? A brownie-bake?

A bowl of cream? A chocolate cake?
A plate of biscuits topped with cheese?
Her son replied. . . an apple please!
Oh my! she laughed aloud with cheer,

You know you dont like those, my dear!
Now come along, this isnt hard -
Lets skip the fruit and opt for lard.
#308 People who had an aair while in a relationship,

how did it begin, how did it end and what did you learn?
2013-10-19 18:32:51
/u/Urisk
/u/(deleted user)
The thought that Id be able to attract not one, but two women is absolutely preposterous.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, thats pretty fucking cool.
/u/way fairer
If you get fat enough you will attract every woman in the world. Thats how gravity
works.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
754
We need to talk, my mother said,

Beside the open door;
She sighed and sadly shook her head,
Then crossed the bedroom floor.
Your dads a little worried, dear,

And something isnt right -
We couldnt help but overhear
The fridge again last night.
This really has to stop, she sighed.

I looked at her, dismayed.
But mom, I closed my eyes and cried. . .
Then how will I get laid?
#307 Dispelling some Medieval Armour Myths

2013-10-18 21:02:00
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
/u/ClaudioRules
If I saw this dude in real life I would shit my armor plated pants
/u/way fairer
Honest question: Is there a zipper equivalent or something on the armor so you can piss
without removing the entire suit?
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/IranianGenius
Definitely more terrifying to try to fight someone when theyve already pissed themselves.
755
/u/Pravusmentis
I think we should get something like the jokers flower, so you squirt piss in your enemies
faces while fighting them, fuck them /r/crazyideas rules
We fought in silver arms and made

A shining blur of steel -
The flowered knight withdrew his blade
And bent as though to kneel.
I yield! he called, and hung his head,

With battered helm in place -
Thats it! Im done. Youve won, he said. . .
And pissed across my face.
#306 What advice if taken literally, would be devastating

to our society?
2013-10-17 21:12:04
/u/msye
EDIT: Thank you all! You guys made my day.
/u/Skyhawk1
Lather, rinse, repeat. Everyone would be stuck in their shower until they died of starva-
tion.
756
He stood alone.
The water flowed

A shade of crimson red -
His fingers traced a bloody road
Of valleys cross his head.
His skin was white.
His eyes were blind,

And closed against the heat -
With not a thought across his mind,
But. . . lather, rinse, repeat.
#305 test socks please ignore

2013-10-17 00:32:06
/u/powerlanguage
[Link]
/u/PJenningsofSussex
could we also just have some black socks that say Test Sock Please Ignore that would
be nice :)
/u/SafeInTheCupboard
This is the best idea.
Ignore the socks! the admin said,

And laughed the knowing laugh of those
Who, well prepared, have planned ahead
In thought of fabric-covered toes!
For how could any man around

Attempt a glance and nothing more -
Or reddit on, through threads abound. . .
And pass by test socks, please ignore ?
757
#304 Abdominal surgery + really bad e. coli = big hole
in my stomach [mild gore]
2013-10-16 21:56:42
/u/Higgy24
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
Mild gore?
OP, you are fucking hardcore.
/u/Higgy24
Haha I wasnt sure if other people would consider it mild or not, but Im the kind of
person who likes to poke around in their open wounds so I guess I might have a stronger
stomach (har har) than others.
/u/stanfan114
22F Kinda shy here is my bacteria hole
Her smile was coy; she turned her head,

Accustomed to her role -
You know, Im kinda shy, she said. . .
But heres my [f]ucking hole.
#303 What fact do you accept intellectually, but still feels

wrong to you?
2013-10-15 21:40:37
/u/iglidante
EDIT: This has been great, guys. Seriously. Im blown away by how many responses
there are, and how many great discussions have formed. This is why I love AskReddit.
Here: have a song/video I made!
EDIT: I am still getting replies to this thread four months later. That is awesome.
758
Thanks, guys.
/u/sentient nexus
Nothing before the big bang, Stephen Hawking said asking what was before is like asking
whats north of the north pole. The philosopher in me doesnt like it.
You may as well as ask, he said,

The origins of time;
The consciousness of others dead;
The last of numbers prime -
Or whats outside the universe?

For none can comprehend
The truth (for better or for worse);
Whats north of north, my friend?
I stood perplexed, without a clue,

Afraid to misperceive. . .
Then said: Its always this with you -
Just fucking answer, Steve.
#302 Drug Addicts of Reddit, What is youre daily rou-

tine?
2013-10-14 00:28:54
/u/DWM1991
Details Please :)
Edit: Sorry about the grammar mistake in the title, since I am new to Reddit I dont
know how to fix it.
Edit 2: As a recovering addict, I find it amazing all these people have recovered!
Edit 3: I dont care what the fuck you say, i am reading every single comment! EVERY.
SINGLE. COMMENT!
/u/CrippledHorses
I would usually wake up around 6 am to the sound of my dad getting ready for work, and
Id go throw up in my bathroom. If I threw up or pissed the bed I would usually have a
garbage bag in the room to throw my sheet in so I could take care of it later. This only
happened a few times but it got more and more frequent. Usually the vomit was dark
black, goopy, and extremely acidic. I found out later it was blood.
759
I had a constant supply of tums that I would eat from. I would then drink a bottle of
water, a hit from the bong to reduce nausea, and some valium to stop myself from shaking.
I would then wake up at around noon and take more valium to stop shaking. I would
usually sleep until about 2 or 3pm, sometimes up until 6pm. Once I woke I would take a
few shots of captain morgan to keep the constant body high going, and depending on how
much weed or valium I had I would try and make some calls to get some more. Around
7pm before my mother left for work I would go through her meds to find Klonopin and
Ambien that I could take later in the evening. I was ALWAYS thinking ahead - because I
liked to be completely fucked up by around 11pm. She took a quarter of a 10mg of ambien
to sleep, and I would usually take about half of her bottle over the month (Between 20
to 60 depending on the script). Denial.
If I wasnt hanging out with friends that night I would be on the computer all night or
with my girlfriend getting wasted and popping valium. Each valium was 10mg and Id
usually take around 20 per day. Eventually I would get really nauseous because I forget
to eat, or just took too much, and Id have to smoke weed and eat more tums. If I
didnt want to stop drinking at this point I would purposefully push the contents of my
stomach up and I would vomit violently, and then continue drinking. By the time it was
all winding down I would take up to 40mg of ambien. At the time I liked to tell myself
this was to sleep, but I always stayed up and drank with it in order to gain more of a
body high/psychedelic experience. Usually by this point my girlfriend would be passed
out, and I would just be on the computer. Many of these nights I spent crying from 2 am
to 5am, either when my dad would wake up and he could console me, or my girlfriend
woke up. Needless to say those two and my substances were my only coping mechanisms.
Many times my father would come check on me to make sure I was okay every morning.
This was my routine for 3 years until right around age 22. The only thing I have left that
reminds me of it is a bald spot of cement on my floor where my black vomit destroyed
the carpet, so we had to cut it out. When we got new carpet (they did this when I was in
rehab) they left that cut out. Every morning my feet touch the cold reality of the world,
and I am ever so grateful that I am alive. Sorry this was long winded. I had a hiccup last
night after two years of sobriety and this was really perfect timing for me to write.
Edit: this blew up unbelievably. Holy shit. Im at work right now but there are some
questions I really want to answer when I get home. Thank you all from the bottom of
my heart. To /u/poem for your sprog and /u/indiefied - the song poem combo has really
just done something for me. Words dont do much here. Just thanks.
Thank you all for the messages, the gold, and kind words.
760
I remember endless aching

Timeless nights spent sleepless, taking
Anything to stop the shaking,
Anything Id found -
Thinking nothing - feeling hollow,

Planning all the highs to follow;
All the pain and pills to swallow,
Stolen; hidden; downed.
I remember darkness creeping

Up and out and sinking, seeping,
Crying in the night and sleeping,
Lost without a sound.
Memories can serve the warning -

Now it is I wake to dawning
Sunlight most of every morning. . .
Glad to be around.
#301 Reddit, what is your most cringe story about some-

one who had/has a crush on you?
2013-10-10 18:39:39
/u/ theleg
/u/(deleted user)
Well, once I got drunk and banged a rather unattractive woman. Much to my chagrin,
she got a little clingy. So, some friends and I were out and she showed up, no big deal.
We all go back to someones place for the after-bar. I pass out on the couch.
I wake up in the morning and she is on the recliner near my feet. My foot is under her
blanket. She has placed my big toe in her vagina.
I pull it out.
It is bloody.
No idea where my sock or shoe is.
I go home in January with one bare foot.
Edit: thanks for the gold, kindly stranger!
/u/CharlieThunderthrust
We have a winner!
761
/u/cran baisins
/thread. We can all go home boys nothing beats this.
Theres not a tale across the Earth

From here to Timbuktu -
No anecdote, for what its worth,
Or story strange but true -
Could ever hope to match or meet

This narrative of woe. . .
For no account could ever beat
Surprise vagina-toe.
#300 What is something that as a child you had a fear of

but as you grew older realized was complete nonsense?
2013-10-07 18:30:35
/u/skateman274
EDIT: Everyone seemed to be scared of the toilet and flusing it
/u/Kijafa
Drugs
I remember going through D.A.R.E. And thinking Everyone is going to pressure me to
do drugs, itll take a lot of willpower to resist!
And then I grew up, and no one ever pressured me to do drugs.
/u/KayteeBlue
Same here. I just started doing them on my own.
/u/danrennt98
Good job! I like to see people taking initiative!
762
Now listen here before you go,

My mother said to me:
If someone asks, you just say no -
I nodded solemnly.
Before Id brushed my teeth each day

Or rode the bus to school,
I practiced all the ways to say:
No way! and Drugs Arent Cool!
But cos nobody ever said,

And none performed the task,
I did them on my own instead. . .
Cos someone has to ask.
#299 Men of Reddit, what do you think is the hardest

part about being a woman?
2013-10-05 15:30:37
/u/jward00
/u/g0ne in hiding
Periods. Period.
Our genders match in terms of strife -

In everything, it seems,
We face the same disputes in life;
The loss of hopes and dreams.
For whether man or woman made,

This world aects the same -
We struggle through the masquerade
In misery and shame.
Were subject both to broken hearts,

And yet. . . Id still be him.
Cos losing blood from private parts
Seems pretty fucking grim.
763
#298 What is the most fucked up thing that ever hap-
pened at your oce?
2013-10-03 21:37:06
/u/thefatclick
Edit: Apparently all of your oces have been raided by a SWAT team at one point
Edit 2: People like shitting on floors a lot
/u/crbiker
Guy came in naked, looking like he just rolled out of bed. Walked into the kitchen naked,
threw on a pot of coee and started cooking bacon. (Cooking bacon without clothes on?
Hardmode.)
After he ate the plate of bacon, he walked to his desk to do some work but got distracted
by looking at porn for a little bit and started masturbating. He didnt even get in trouble.
This is actually a pretty regular thing.
Source: I work from home.
/u/dlan4327
I was so confused until the second read through, where I noticed the fine print.
There I was in work and yawning,

Wincing through the early morning,
Whereupon I felt a dawning
Sense of company;
Not again, I thought and waited,

Sighing loud, exasperated -
Watching as he masturbated
Once again with glee;
Finally, he shook and, jerking,

Finished up (and finished shirking) -
Working hard or hardly working,
Huh?. . . I said to me.
764
#297 What was the best kid logic you had
2013-10-01 18:39:35
/u/(deleted user)
Like believing the moon was cheese or if you fed a cow chocolate youd get chocolate milk.
/u/NeedsmoreCELLTECH
I used to think that the NPCs in Pokmon were poor kids in third world countries, forced
to lose because their pokmon were terrible. So once every few hours I would lose against
an NPC on purpose, just to make their day.
Now clear your plate, my mother frowned,

And dont you make a fuss -
Theres starving kids the world around
Not half as blessed as us!
I grumbled that it wasnt fair

With every bitter chew;
It couldnt be that awful there -
They had Nintendo too.
#296 All black house in Germany.

2013-09-30 00:12:02
/u/jesbaker
[Link]
/u/mhd
Given the draconian (to put it mildly) zoning laws in Germany, I thought this was
shopped. But apparently it was an art project, right before the condemned house was
torn down.
765
Youre told it rose from out the ground;

A silhouette without a sound -
The boarded frames, the blackened door;
The night a pitch of darker more.
You heard its only there below

The crescent moon, the waning glow -
Its shadow-wrought and darkness-made
In atrament; from dusk and shade.
Youll pray you never see it rise

From out the night before your eyes -
The raven halls, that fateful eve;
The doors ajar. You never leave.
#295 Whats the most WTF moment youve witnessed in

public?
2013-09-28 23:15:26
/u/return2ozma
Edit: You guys have seen some really messed up shit. Im staying away from Walmart
now also.
Edit 2: so many defecating in public stories and a lot of them at bus stops.
/u/Biggybubblegum
I watched a large woman relentlessly beat her four year old with a studded purse when
he broke a jar of pasta sauce at the grocery store. She left in a hurry when security was
called, but everyone still saw the little droplets of blood trailing away.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Biggybubblegum
The price of a jar of pasta sauce is worth the chance of losing your child, apparently. We
live in a sad, sad world.
766
Im pretty much desensitised

To misery and pain -
I rarely find myself surprised
By actions inhumane.
Its easy to be weary when

Theres much to justify
Misanthropy - and now and then,
To breathe a cynics sigh.
And yet, despite it all, Im cursed,

It seems, and lifes perverse -
For when I think Ive seen the worst,
Theres always something worse. . .
#294 Whats something you always see people complaining

about on Reddit that youve never experienced in real life?
2013-09-25 23:25:37
/u/cockdragon
/u/(deleted user)
Getting shut down by girls in like the first few seconds you speak to them. I seriously
wonder how awkward or creepy these guys must come o.
/u/Work13494
Hey baby are you going to be walking to your car alone later tonight?
/u/SausageMcMun
By the way I roofied your drink. Where you going? Dont worry Ill find you!
/u/(deleted user)
Hey babe, Ive got a knife and a penis. One of them is going in you.
767
I caught her in the alleyway

Where no one else could see -
Its that or this, she heard me say,
So whats it gonna be?
In dead of night, she turned her head;

Her face a mask of strife -
She looked between my hands and said. . .
Erm, yeah - Ill take the knife.
#293 My friend just posted this with the caption Daddy

and I getting ready for my first date!
2013-09-25 18:48:38
/u/EvTheSmev
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Omnipotent Goose
Wow, her dad is oering to kill me now to save me from anything embarrassing Ill do
on this date. What a nice guy.
768
The rifle stopped beside my head:

Youll never date my daughter, lad!
He cried, until I sighed and said. . .
Youre like the dad I never had.
#292 (NSFW) Has anyone actually tried any ridiculous

sexual acts from urban dictionary? What was it and how
did it go?
2013-09-25 06:48:18
/u/Here Now Gone
/u/-Littlebear-
My time to shine? I guess?

Super nova. Its when you give a blow job with pop rocks in your mouth. He seemed to
enjoy it, he said there was an added stimulation but it took a while to get used to. For
me it was the weirdest thing ever. Its hard enough to give a solid bj, and then to add
the feeling of pop rocks exploding in your mouth, it was a lot to handle. The worst part
was when he finished, I was obviously going to swallow, so I had to swallow everything,
including the exploding pop rocks.
Edit: Well this is now my most upvoted comment, my mother would be so proud.
/u/whenlambsbecomelions
Youre a good sport.
/u/salvarfawkes
You dont just spit out perfectly good Pop Rocks.
/u/markspyguy
Pop Rocks and Crme
/u/geyserguy92
Crme Fraiche?
769
With every snap and pop and crack,

I sighed a smile and settled back
To watch her savour every taste
I thought. . . but what a fucking waste.
#291 Howdy, its Unidan! Since I get so many questions

about biology, I wanted to share this BIG album of photos
I took on the job as a field biologist! Enjoy, and ask any
questions you have in the comments!
2013-09-23 22:19:51
/u/Unidan
[Link]
/u/Unidan
Biologist here!
Sorry for the new post, the old post got deleted due to a bad title, unfortunately! My
bad!
Lots of people asked what I would do for when I received my 1,000,000th comment karma
point. Heres a list I came up with:
Look into a mirror and sigh deeply.
Anyhoo, for a more in depth look behind some of the pictures, check out these videos
that I made!
Heres a video of the False Deaths Head Cockroach Molting!
Heres a video of my friends and I showing o a Moluccan cockatoo to the public

and talking about birds!
Heres a video on some of the most important birds that have gone extinct in the
United States!
Heres a video of the Gyr x Saker falcon that we took with us on a talk!
Heres a video of the Red-tailed Hawk being trained by my friend last winter!
Heres an adorable video of two of the fawns of that tagged deer browsing on some
shrubs!
Heres a video showing how we tag our research crows when theyre nestlings!
770
If youre wondering what I do when Im not working, the answer is simple: Im always
working and Im a frail, hollowed out husk of a human being! But if youre wondering
what I do when Im abdicating my work, well, heres the latest episode of the gaming
video podcast Ive made with my friends: The Collegiate Alliance!
Episode 7: Warframe (Part 1). In this episode, enjoy as we play as cyborg space
ninjas on a mission to retrieve incredibly important PowerPoint files for our cyborg
space ninja bosses!
Also, special thanks to our friend Noah for providing the music! Heres a link to his
page if you enjoyed it!
For my Reddit time, I still spend a good deal of time answering things in my ongoing
AMA, which has been running for nearly five months now! People are still asking great
questions, so if you think of one after today, feel free to ask! You can sort by new to
see the newest questions and comments!
SADDEST EDIT IN HISTORY: Well, I just hit a million comment karma! Thanks
to everyone for giving me a quantitative look at my own procrastination on the internet!
I couldnt have been this sad and pathetic without all your help! <3
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Unidan
Take em.
Theres not a lot on Earth, in truth,

So pleasing to the ear -
No summers sonnet sung in youth
Of love for all to hear -
That it could steal this poets heart.
No lady fair, or man,
Could hope to tear my world apart. . .
Except for Unidan.
771
#290 How do you stop people from bullying you?
2013-09-18 18:16:40
/u/Fionro
School has started, and so have bullies.

My bully spits on me, does the paper crumbling thing and throws it in my hair, sticks
random stu on my clothes, spreads rumours, tells the guys from the upper and lower
classes to do his bidding. . . .
How do I stop this?
Telling the principal doesnt seem to do anything. He just says k i stop, then the next
week he is bullying as usual.
Edit 1: Wow. I never expected this to hit the front page of AskReddit. I thank all of
you for the helpful tips.
Edit 2: Holy fuck reddit, I didnt expect so much discussion!
Edit 3:
>Violence is a solution when nothing else works.
>Dont become a target for them. Bullies like to pick on weak people to feel stronger.
Change yourself so you dont look weak.
>Plan a petty revenge.
>Move out of the school if the bullying is very serious.
>Make friends.
>Exercise on your wit, make the people laugh at the bully.
>If possible, dont give a fuck. They may eventually get bored.
/u/FenrirWasMisundersto
Start a rumor that he propositioned you for sex, then became violent when you turned
him down. Every time he bullies you, just give the ol head nod to those youve told
the rumor. Hell get wind of it, and hell be furious, but wont do anything about it for
fear of falsely confirming the rumor. Hell drop out of school and fall into drug/alcohol
addiction. Hell be arrested a few times for domestic violence before taking his life in
a manic depressive episode leaving behind a divorced single mother and three estranged
children.
772
Dear world, I guess I sort of find

It pretty damn absurd
To write with no one kind in mind
For this - my final word.
Ive lived a life of fear and blame

With every heart Id break -
Ive caused a world of hurt and shame
To follow in my wake.
And so, before I face the black

Ill say, for all I did -
I wish that I could take it back. . .
And kudos to that kid.
#289 Phone reps of reddit, what is the best thing anyone

said while they thought they were on hold?
2013-09-16 19:49:08
/u/seannysoybeans
Found suggestion here - http://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceAnimals/comments/1mhoua/for those of you who dont
/u/OutstandinglyNormal
Guy and his wife; wife asks him if he has a pen. Guy says, in the most exciteable voice
Ive ever heard from a full grown man; NO, BUT I HAVE A CRAYON AND A WALL!!
HAHAHAHA!
/u/IrateGinger
I like this one more than any others in the thread because it doesnt involve sex or domestic
violence. Just a man, a crayon, a wall, and dreams.
773
Though some men wish for love and wealth

Or women, fast and free;
And others life, eternal health -
That wouldnt do for me.
Theres really not so much on Earth

I crave, in truth, at all -
For nothing beats (for what its worth)
A crayon and a wall.
#288 Phone reps of reddit, what is the best thing anyone

said while they thought they were on hold?
2013-09-16 19:10:55
/u/seannysoybeans
Found suggestion here - http://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceAnimals/comments/1mhoua/for those of you who dont
/u/D14BL0
I had an older lady totally forget that I was on the phone at all while I was remotely
resetting her cable box. I used to just tell them Im going to step away from my desk for
a drink of water while the box resets, since it takes about 5 minutes to do anything, even
though sometimes Id just sit there on mute until I got a response back from the cable
box again.
She started having a conversation with her husband, and asked what he wanted on his
sandwich. She took the phone with her into the kitchen, started making a sandwich, and
left the phone in the kitchen, I guess. I tried calling out her name, but she must not have
had me on speakerphone, so she just started arguing with her husband, saying You told
me you wanted mayonnaise on your sandwich!
They argued for a bit, and she made him a new sandwich without mayonnaise. This
seemed to satisfy him, and the arguing stopped. But she never came back to the phone.
I tried calling her back, but I guess it was an older phone that didnt automatically
disconnect the line when one party hangs up, so I got a busy signal. :(
/u/NaptownSwagger
Or, a darker possibility. She put mayonnaise on his sandwich one too many times. . .
/u/IranianGenius
He mayo may not have killed her.
774
Whats this? he asked. His smile was wide,

And cold as winter days.
A s- a sandwich, I replied,
Just tuna mayonnaise.
I recognised the pleasant sound -

The voice, all cool and warm;
And knew, afraid again, Id found
The calm before the storm.
I see, he spoke, and raised his head

To stare into my eyes;
Just mayonnaise, my husband said,
Oh darling, so unwise.
. . . The sirens sounded through the air;

The neighbours coalesced.
Id disappeared - but he was there,
And drowned in Hellmans best.
#287 Whats the most innocent google image search term

you can think of that still returns NSFW results?
2013-09-15 20:09:45
/u/Mish106
/u/thegamerdug
Asian. - If you type, american, chinese, indian, almost any other race or culture you get
normal stu. . . but asian is at least half nsfw
/u/chermane9381
I just did it. I reached a picture where an asian girl is licking a cat face.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
775
/u/RonJeremyEinstein
Reminds me of this http://i.imgur.com/XpFbeyE.jpg

Although licking may be a bit of an understatement here. This is more giving a
blowjob to a cats face
/u/Hilanderiam
Heres one with a few more: http://i.imgur.com/5t19e.jpg

(that last one. . . )
/u/TheKnightWhoSaysMeh
> (that last one. . . )

The Human-Feline centipede.
I spied her there outside the house -

She waved an arm and gave a call;
You want a snack, she asked, or mouse?
A dish of milk? A cotton ball?
And though I should have feared the hand;

The loving voice; the selfless deed -
I never could have known shed planned
A human-feline centipede. . .
#286 Whats the scariest 3-word sentence you can create?

2013-09-13 23:09:43
/u/bopoqod
/u/Edman70
Welcome, President Bachmann.
776
Our presidential nominee!

Your program for the day -
A speech on mans equality
(Except if youre a gay.)
And though the mornings just begun,

Youve Muslims to oend -
Youve immigrants to scorn and shun,
And women, condescend.
Youve feminists to victimise;

Abortion to deny;
The nations health to compromise
With each alarmist lie.
And so, to work! But first a note

Before we all begin -
Youd have to be insane to vote
This motherfucker in.
#285 What kind of people have a special ring in hell

reserved for them?
2013-09-11 23:12:19
/u/Jord ano
/u/-GregTheGreat-
The people who take a massive shit in the public washroom but dont flush.
777
The middle stall was occupied -

The left without a door.
I took the right and slipped inside
To face what lay in store.
A puddle shone inside the stall

Where flies had come to drown;
I watched them die, and worst of all -
The toilet lid was down.
My hands went out in search of roll,

But found the empty space -
A shudder shook my very soul;
A tear rolled down my face.
Yet there I was, and this was it;

I flipped the lid in dread -
A brown leviathan of shit
Reared up its swollen head. . .
The air was fresh as fallen snow -

I smiled and spied my date.
That wasnt long. You didnt go?
I said: its cool - Ill wait.
#284 Black American parents of reddit, why do you name

your kids weird names?
2013-09-11 16:29:30
/u/fuckyourteam
Before racism is called out, I have plenty of black friends. They, and their siblings have
normal names, I.e. Justin, Jason, Chris, etc.
Just curious why you name your kids names like Dbrickishaw, Barkevious Dquell (all
NFL players first names) and so on. I dont know 2 people in this world named Barkevious.
Is it a unique thing? My black friends dont know the answer so Im asking the source
.
Im a minority too and I know all races have weird, uncommon names like apple and
candy for white people, Jesus for Spanish, and so on.
Dont get your panties in a bunch I just want a straight answer. I googled it and anytime
someone asked, they get their heads ripped o so the Internet doesnt have a straight
answer yet.
778
/u/vote100binary
This should be a nice level headed discussion, that easily addresses the topic, without
turning into a shitstorm at all.
On that note, Im going to step back and watch the shitstorm.
/u/RunningInSquares
No its okay, OP has black friends.
Now Im not saying I agree

With servitude or slavery -
But equal rights is just a fad,
And bigotrys not all that bad.
Course, no oen- what, racist? Me!?

Oh no, not I! I couldnt be!
Apologise and take it back. . .
Its fine, Ive got a friend whos black.
#283 Murica - Never forget the terror we unleashed, in

fear, upon ourselves.
2013-09-11 15:26:40
/u/pandesmos
[Link]
/u/MusicMagi
When traveling from Boston to Charleston, my fiance witnessed a young mother and
more disturbingly, her infant child pat down. If you look at the statistics, the TSA hasnt
made the skies any safer. Its just a big circus in which money can be funneled.
/u/jaredscottm
Ladies and gentlemen. . . Security Theatre
779
/u/grimster
Airport security is a stupid idea, its a waste of money, and its there for only one reason:
to make white people feel safe. - George Carlin
So, look - Im feeling pretty safe,

You neednt pat me down.
You know, these handcus kinda chafe. . .
I wasnt skipping town.
Id never do a thing to harm

The country that I love -
So lets all just be cool and calm
An- drop that latex glove!
#282 This girls handwriting is the coolest thing Ive seen

all week. (x-post from PenmanshipPorn)
2013-09-09 23:21:39
/u/Munxt
[Link]
/u/thelovepirate
Thats the top post of all time in that subreddit. . .
/u/Unidan
http://imgur.com/7aKcS2r.jpg
780
/u/thelovepirate
I could only find a crayon, but literally,
If only. . .
#281 What are some things that you find annoying in

porn videos? NSFW
2013-09-07 18:59:44
/u/(deleted user)
/u/ayo420
That angle from behind the dude where you just see balls and dude ass
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/ vargas
walks into kitchen with erection throbbing beneath some tighty-whities

Hey, mom. Dont mind me. Balls-and-dude-ass scene. Figured I could get some water.
Dont forget, dinner at your grandmothers tonight. Make sure you are there.
Aw, mom! Do me a favor and dont talk about grandma right now. So not cool. . .
So dont forget, she smiled and said,

Your grandmas here tonight.
Her words resounded round my head -
I smiled and feigned delight.
My mother sighed and caught the glare:

Youve still got time for fun!
I looked down at my underwear,
And grumbled: nah. . . Im done.
781
#280 Man Whores and Lady Sluts of Reddit, What is the
sleaziest/sluttiest thing youve ever done? (nsfw)
2013-09-03 23:42:27
/u/igivefreetickles
/u/bobbyreill
fucked my girlfriends Mom while she was at school and then let her suck my dick when
she got home.
/u/SECRETLY STALKS YOU
You shouldnt cheat on your sister like that.
She stood beside the kitchen sink

In washing gloves of vibrant pink,
And every smile and sultry wink
Sent shivers up my spine.
And when she finally came to me,

I smiled and thought with bawdy glee:
Two women from one family!
. . . A pity it was mine.
#279 My boyfriends buddy told him that he met a classy

bird while on a night out and then sent him this picture
2013-09-03 18:59:58
782
/u/Krystel691
[Link]
/u/pete1729
Teats by Dr. Dre
/u/Davey meister
They probably sound better than beats too.
You neednt be a man of wits

Or aptitude to say -
Id rather hear the hits on tits
Than beats by Dr Dre.
#278 What is the most cruel thing you have done to

someone?
2013-09-02 18:18:00
/u/vgulla
Edit: Obligatory Wow, front page of AskReddit! Edit.
783
/u/FantasticDucks
When I was in the second grade, a kid stabbed me in the back of the neck with a pencil.
I waited until 6th grade, I was an absolute perfect student my entire career. One day, the
Teacher walked out to talk to the Principal. Unprovoked, I walked up to the same kid
and stabbed a pencil into the side of his neck. He screamed and threw some chairs around
in pain and the teacher came back into calm him down. When asked what happened,
I said he started a fight with me and I acted out of self defense. There were witnesses
(other kids) who saw me do it and told the teacher and the principal, but they refused to
believe I could do such a thing. . . The kid got suspended, I didnt even get a call home.
Edit: Wow, this got a lot more attention then I thought it would. Also you dont need to
tell me that one or both of us could have died because, 1) its highly unlikely as evident
by the number of pencil related deaths being near zero 2) Neither of us did so theres no
sense in dwelling on it.
Edit 2: Ok, I mostly lurk on Reddit, and only comment sometimes. This one comment
and all of the responses has been awesome. I guess I just want to say thanks to all of you
who have taken such an interest in this little revenge of mine.
I dreamt about it every night,

And every dream the same -
The reckoning, the final fight;
The sudden, awful shame.
And when, at last, the moment came

To cash that fabled cheque,
I whispered from behind his name. . .
And stabbed him in the neck.
#277 My friend caught someone masturbating over her

on a bus. [NSFW]
2013-08-23 16:55:03
784
/u/Con-
[Link]
/u/ohenry mchenry
Hes maintaining proper eye contact. Hes doing it right.
/u/perfekt disguize
As if there was a wrong way to masturbate in public.
He sat across the aisle and stared

With pride, it seemed, and manhood bared
For all to see, had someone dared
To pass a glance along.
And as he moaned and turned his head

(Or heads, to pluralise instead)
I breathed a single sigh and said,
Youre doing it all wrong.
785
#276 What is the most awkward thing someone you know
has done?
2013-08-21 21:28:35
/u/Jacobr196
Or something that happened to you, your friend
/u/kbeef2
In high school, a friend of mine started texting with a girl from one of his classes and
eventually asked her out to a movie. She said yes, but never showed up to the movie,
despite texts saying she was coming. A week later, my friend found out that he had been
texting the wrong person. When he got this girls number, it was to communicate about
a group project for the class. So when he was putting numbers into his phone, he mixed
the two girls numbers up. The worst part is that he saw the girl he was actually texting
at the movie theater, talked to her for a minute and then said Bye and walked away.
Also, he made his Facebook status Going to Tron: Legacy with girls name so that girl
must have been very confused as well.
TL; DR- Friend texts girl to ask her out, texts wrong girl, doesnt find out until a week
after the date
EDIT: The friend this happened to is a redditor so Ill see if he maybe wants to make an
appearance in this thread.
EDIT 2: He says he doesnt want to comment right now because his reddit app sucks,
but he says Im really glad Im not the only one whos done that.
EDIT 3: Hes here now! Look for /u/nortlov93
/u/Mu7su
This shit only happens in MOVIES!!!!!
786
My head was full of hopes and dreams -

My heart was beating fast;
My smile was bursting at the seams,
And grew as seconds passed.
I waited by the popcorn stand,

And smoothed my favourite dress -
Oh, this old thing? Id say ohand,
Impatient to impress.
And when, at last, he came to sit

(Id dreamt about the day). . .
He said hello and talked a bit
Then walked the fuck away.
#275 Whats the worst thing a house guest has done in

your home?
2013-08-20 00:55:24
/u/the Hallelucinator
Besides stealing. . . we all hate thieves.

edit: So much piss and vomit.
/u/Mullinberry
A house guest at my parents house stayed in my childhood bedroom. He was a drunk,

and in the middle of the night I guess he decided he didnt want the fan on anymore.
Instead of turning the fan o, he broke every fan blade o the ceiling fan and hid them
under the dresser.
TLDR; 50 year-old man destroyed ceiling fan, as switching it o was too dicult
/u/(deleted user)
>hid them under the dresser

The perfect crime
/u/theamazingsiddiqui
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tianys at midnight. Do I go for the vault?
No, I go for the chandelier. Its priceless. As Im taking it down, a woman catches me.
She tells me to stop. Its her fathers business. Shes Tiany. I say no. We make love all
787
night.
In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet
me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I dont trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty
years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and hes the chief of police. This is where the
story gets interesting.
I tell Tiany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. Shes been waiting for me all these
years. Shes never taken another lover. I dont care. I dont show up. I go to Berlin.
Thats where I stashed the chandelier.
/u/RoinAnjou
Alright Mr Schrute
I saw her there beneath a sky

The shade of darkest midnights hue;
A noted tale - the lover by
The river standing stalwart true.
Id heard shed met a stranger fair

And fallen fast, too late to learn
The man that leaves without a care
In infamy wont oft return.
Move on, I begged the lady caught

In chains to love and timeless plight;
Tis done, she said, I come to naught,
And still Ill always wait. . . for Dwight.
#274 Whats something that you never wished you knew

about your parents?
2013-08-16 17:16:50
/u/MadeANewAccount
/u/danrennt98
When I came out to my dad, he said Well, you know.. my first two sexual experiences
were with men too. Maybe its just a phase. NONONONO, that information was
unnecessary dad.
edit to too two
788
So dad, I said (though not yet scarred),

I really need to say -
Ive thought about it long and hard,
And well. . . I think Im gay.
You sure? he asked (and half his smile

Implied some other truth),
Its not a phase? Cos for a while
I dabbled in my youth.
That guy from university,

Or Matt and Sam and Chad -
Theres Jack and John and Brad and Lee,
An-. . . God! Forget it, dad!
#273 **(NSFW)** What is the most depraved thing you

have done for sexual gratification?
2013-08-11 20:12:26
/u/McKernanx32
/u/(deleted user)
when i was young and stupid i was swimming in the ocean and there were those jellyfish
that supposedly dont sting you. i dont know what logic (or lack thereof) took me at the
time but i decided to thrust my junk into it and i will never forget the pain. i ran out
of the ocean and wailing in agony. I crumpled into the fetal position on the sand holding
my crotch and cried for about 10 minutes. turns out they do sting, it just the skin on
your body is thicker so they dont penetrate far enough to reach any nerves. the skin on
your junk however. . . ..
yeah i learned an important lesson that day.
[edit]
oh for goodness sake, why is this one getting upvoted of all the posts ive made. . . .
/u/iamkingoftheworld
Bro, you fucked a jellyfish
/u/CREAMz
[] One less on the list.
789
When I was young, I made a list

To do before I die -
To start a star-crossed lovers tryst;
To sail across the sky.
I thought to ride an oceans waves

Through every storm and tide;
Id walk the deepest, darkest caves
With bravery and pride.
And when (at last) the moment came

To fill my final wish,
Id take the chance, my heart aflame. . .
And fuck a jellyfish.
#272 What is one current trend that needs to be stopped?

2013-08-10 18:45:52
/u/traheidda
Can be a fashion, social, media, etc. trend.
/u/Indydegrees2
That being dumb is cool.
The seasons, right, she asked with pride,

Its Summer-Winter-Spring?
Dont blame me if its wrong, she cried,
Im dumb - thats just my thing!
I sighed aloud and cursed my friends

For suering her squall -
Cos playing dumb to suit a trends
The dumbest thing of all.
790
#271 Whats the #1 Double Standard your SO does/has
that drives you nuts?
2013-08-06 18:37:02
/u/LoydXmas
I cant think of my top double standard yet, but I know Reddit has the power to help me
sift through theirs. . .
Edit: Never posted before. Gonna start reading now. . . Thanks for responding. Edit:
Well, That escalated quickly.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/phoney frost
Glad to see at least one comment here about the double standard being the SO being
harder on themselves. Still sucks she feels that way. Best of luck to both of you.
Though folks might oer comfort free

Its often hard (it seems to me)
To hear the same yourself and smile,
If only for a little while.
For everywhere the world around

Ive looked about, my friends, and found
No matter where I go, its true -
The harshest critics always you.
#270 What was the biggest verbal bitchslap you ever gave
someone in an argument/conversation? (NSFW)
2013-08-02 18:49:22
/u/TheOcialPoK
/u/MrFartBreath
After I broke up with my ex (edit: for cheating on me), she said that Ill never find
another girl like her. I said thats the fucking point. She cried.
791
/u/ariiiiigold
As you uttered those final words, I hope you suavely leant on the wall and theatrically lit
a cigar while putting on a pair of sunglasses and generally looking cool as fuck.
Who cares? she said, and smiled a smile

A harpy from the days of yore
Could practice to its friends a while
(And never hope to match the whore!)
I caught the look and turned it round

With all the bile and deep disdain
And pain that raged within, and found
A sudden calm descend again.
Youll never find, she said and sighed,

Another girl like me for you,
Then smiled, content. . . till I replied:
I really fucking hope thats true.
#269 What expensive product did you buy that turned

out to be worth every penny?
2013-07-31 19:25:50
/u/Ginther009
This questions stems from the idea that some Dyson vacuums are so expensive. Are they
really that awesome?
/u/attackmodeweeja
I will pay top dollar for my ass not to be chapped by toilet paper. Top. Dollar.
/u/cryospam
LoL I was the same way until I read the Consumer Reports article on toilet paper.
Looks like Walmart does at least one thing right, and thats cleaning shit up.
edit wow thanks for the gold!!
792
My friends all laugh and call me cheap

(A truth I cant defend) -
Id rather scrimp and save than sleep
Or squander, waste, and spend.
They sneer upon my thrifty style

In mockery and woe;
Or chide and call me Scrooge and smile,
But little do they know:
No matter how they each cajole,

I never shall admit. . .
I save it all for quilted roll
Cos seven-plys the shit.
#268 Pilots of Reddit, have you ever been a passenger on

a plane and noticed something going wrong?
2013-07-30 23:00:03
/u/ItsLewis
/u/Deep Rights
I am a commercial pilot.
I was on a small charter jet traveling as a passenger to a business event (I work in several
capacities at my company), and I noticed some rough turbulence on our descent then
some very rough bumps in quick succession. The other passengers were the normal kind
of nervous, but I unbuckled and poked my head up front to check it out.
Completely shattered right windshield with dark red streaks. . . Copilot told me they
had a birdstrike coming out of a cloud. I nodded and sat back down, assuring the others
that everything was fine. The pilot alerted ATC of the situation and we were given some
priority and pretty good vectoring into the airport to avoid too much navigation.
To clarify, windshields in jets can shatter but hold intact. So there wasnt outside air
rushing into the cabin or anything. . . Because then wed be in trouble.
Edit: phone spelling and such.
Edit 2: between this post and one I made about a month ago, Ive gotten several inbox
questions and a couple of AMA requests. Would you guys want something like that?
Edit 3: Ok, AMA it is! Lets do this in about 2 1/2 hours; Im headed to the gym right
now. Thats 00:30 Zulu time (I figure thats appropriate).
Edit 4: AMA: http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1jdzev/i am a corporatecommercial pilot ama/
793
/u/way fairer
Weve got ourselves a real pilot ladies and gentlemen! He said the word vectoring and
used an acronym. Seems legit.
Lost in lingo never ending?

Colleagues smug and condescending?
Why not simply try pretending
Youre an expert too?
If in doubt - in need of seeming

Better educated, teeming
Full of expertise and dreaming
No ones good as you -
Make it up! For repossessions,

Acronyms and fair expressions,
Singular to fine professions. . .
Always seem to do.
#267 What stupid things did you do when you were

younger to try to look cooler?
2013-07-22 18:36:34
/u/guy1013
EDIT: Almost 24 hours and 17k comments. Never expected such a huge response!
/u/AbbieT
I used to think that dramatic crying shots in TV shows were the coolest thing, so I used
to go sit on this post on my schools playground and look out into the horizon, looking
sad, cause I thought it was the shit.
EDIT: Holy shit, guys, this doubled my karma. Thanks, ladies and gentlemen!
794
I saw her on the playground there -

Apart, amidst the trees;
She sat alone with auburn hair
That drifted in the breeze.
Her eyes had tracked a fallen leaf

That passed her lonely place -
And gods, I couldnt bear the grief
Or sadness on her face.
Whats wrong? I asked, afraid to hear

Her answer then, in truth;
Afraid her words might rob the cheer
Of innocence and youth.
And so she turned, as though a dread

That no one understood
Had left her numb, until she said. . .
So, like - do I look good?
#266 Whats the most insulting, cold blooded,insensitive

thing you can say to someone?
2013-07-21 19:08:00
/u/JizzOnRainbows
/u/gateflan
Everyone hates you just as much as you hate yourself cut pretty deep at the time. Its
still the worst thing anyones ever said to me. It was years ago but I remember it so
clearly. Right in the depression.
Its hard to upvote anything in this thread :(
Edit: Hey thanks for the gold. I should call them up and tell them the ultimate comeback-
you got me top comment on reddit. Bitch.
/u/DancingBane
I dont hate myself, I hate you. Is the proper response.

EDIT: Add a Get the fuck out of my life. and you are done. These kind of people dont
deserve friends.
795
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
How tawdry and inferior

No matter what you do!
For everyones superior
Than poor-old-boring-you!
I hope you know we think youre lame;

We hate your looks, and how!
If I were you Id die of shame,
And end it here and now!
I hate. . . , I tried, and shook my head;

Yourself? she asked, me too!
I looked at her with pride and said
Not me - at all - but you.
She smiled at first in victory,

And said, Im sure thats true. . .
Then burst to tears and ran to me
And cried - I hate me too!
#265 Whats the most insulting, cold blooded,insensitive

thing you can say to someone?
2013-07-21 18:40:02
/u/JizzOnRainbows
/u/deliciousbirdthe3rd
Happened to me when my mom died. My now ex said Get over it, everyones mom dies.
She said this to me 3 days after my mom passed.
Thank you everyone for you kind words. And yes this comment did cause me to
start the divorce as we had been having diculties before and her comment gave
me the strength to leave during an extremely tough time. Also thank you to Sprog
for the generous gift of Reddit Gold and great poem!
796
Her words were harsh and cold as ice -

An empty bitter pain;
Id close my eyes and still theyd slice
Through every thought again.
Get over it, she said, and I

With patience, drew a breath -
I smiled at her and heaved a sigh. . .
Then beat the girl to death.
#264 Redditors who caught your significant other red

handed while they were in the act of physically cheating,
what was their excuse/ how did it go down?
2013-07-21 02:21:16
/u/Saltthedead
For instance, you come home early and find your husband having sex with someone, what
did he say? What was the next hour like? Stu like that. Red handed replies only, no I
found an e mail posts please.
/u/SometimesImSadToo
I walked into my house after forgetting my glasses in the morning, it happens, I never
wear them enough, anyways, I walk in and head to the bedroom, showers running and I
figure wife got in after I left.
Then I hear a man laughing, and she laughs with him. So I kind of freaked, but calmly.
I sat down. Just sort of sat there, didnt know what else to do.
After a couple of minutes the shower turns o, they come tumbling out of the bathroom
and there I am. He starts stuttering, she starts making excuses as if I hadnt clearly
caught her. I just mumble, Forgot my glasses.
I dont remember what I was thinking, I reached for a pair of scissors on the nightstand
and Im pretty sure I at least thought about killing them both, then fucking Tom Cruise
bursts into the room and arrests me for pre-crime. Bullshit.
I didnt even do anything.
797
He burst in through the door and said:

Just drop the scissors - throw them clear,
Then put your arms behind your head,
And kick the weapon over here!
And though I cried before his gun

I swore to see the nightmare through,
So asked him what he thought Id done -
He said, its what youre bout to do!
I paused, perplexed, amidst his squad,

And said: though no ones hurt or harmed,
Youre here for me? Thats kinda odd.
He scratched his head and looked alarmed.
And while they stood confused and then

Discussed till all had understood. . .
I picked the scissors up again
And stabbed as many as I could.
#263 Reddit workers of Victorias Secret & other lingerie

stories, your most awkward experiences with customers?
2013-07-21 01:01:26
/u/(deleted user)
/u/lobolita
Worked at a boutique in college. Saw a man buy a nightie (neglige?) in a size 4 and had
me wrap it really nicely, etc. Made small talk, it was an anniversary gift. . . .Awwwww, I
thought. 2 weeks later, same man walks in with another woman who was NOT a size 4
and she is just chewing him out and bitching about how you never buy me nice things,
blablabla. We made the most awkward eye contact when I figured it out.
TL;DR - Dont take your naggy wife to the store where you shop for your mistress, the
employees will remember and gossip about you.
/u/Ceirin
Have you considered he might have bought it for himself?
798
/u/Rhyme or Reason
I bought myself some lingerie,

A standard piece of negligee,
To dress up for my boyfriend, Jay,
Cause secretly I swing that way.
But now Im thinking Fuck my life
The cashier knows I have a wife
Who doesnt fit into size four
(Shes kind of like a curvy boar)
So as I looked into her eyes,
I saw her suddenly realize
An awkward thought which blew her mind
You like to take it from behind!
Edit: Flow
/u/Gunboat Diplomat
A bright new talent has entered the arena.
I bought myself some lingerie -

A sexy little piece
With frills and tassels that display
The nipples on release -
A pair of crotchless underwear;

Suspenders made of lace;
Some melting wax to shave the hair
From all but o my face -
I bought a corset made of string,

And boots of crimson red;
A whip and cus and everything
To please a man in bed!
And when shed cashed it up and eyed

The sexy potpourri,
She asked: your wife?, and I replied:
No darling. . . just for me.
799
#262 Whats something that isnt as bad as everyone
makes it out to be?
2013-07-19 19:05:06
/u/geologists
Explain yourselves!
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
Its such a rather simple thing -

A moments work, in fact;
A pause amidst the grind and fling
Of lovers in the act -
And sure, we might complain as youth:

It doesnt feel the same -
But isnt that preferred in truth
To syphilitic shame?
(For gonorrhoea blows, my friend,

And yeasts with fungal spore -
That itch like hell at either end -
Arent easy to ignore;)
So hang a sail upon your mast,

For thats the nub and key -
Avoid the STDs that last
For good (. . . like pregnancy.)
800
#261 IAmA Colin Mochrie of Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Here to talk about the show and my new book Not QUITE
the Classics. AMA!
2013-07-15 23:55:33
/u/IAmColinMochrie
Hi Reddit, this is Colin Mochrie, back for another AMA. Whose Line Is It Anyway
returns tomorrow night on The CW. In the meantime, you can also read my book,
Not QUITE the Classics, as an eBook: http://www.diversionbooks.com/ebooks/general
(Available in hardcover this fall from Penguin). Its a collection of re-tellings of classic
stories, based on the First Line, Last Line improv game. Proof can be found on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/colinmochrie Hey Guys, got to go as Im popular elsewhere. Thanks
for the interest and watch Whose Line tomorrow, buy my book and live well. Cheers
/u/ihatedicks
Along with Ryan almost injuring himself when his head hit the table and broke the
light while pretending to be Carol Channing, what other moments did you find yourself
laughing a lot or holding back from breaking character in performances?
/u/IAmColinMochrie
I dont find the others funny, so I have no problem.
/u/(deleted user)
Correct. I never understood why they didnt just change the shows name to Its Colins
Line Actually
/u/InfamousBLT
Because that would be incorrect. The reason its called Whose Line Is It Anyway is
because Colin is constantly setting the other 3 people up for comedic gold. Its unclear
WHO he is setting up, but hes always setting them up. Hence the name.
Colin is the mastermind behind the whole thing. The others just are along for the
punchlines that Colin masterfully sets up for them.
801
I watched the show for months and years

Amidst a glaze of glee and beers
And through a veil of laughter-tears
At ad-lib comedy;
And though they always made me smile

With every sketch and every style
They carried o, I thought a while
And it occurred to me -
Despite the guests and comic class

(No matter what they might amass). . .
Not one of them could quite surpass
The man they call Mochrie.
#260 Parents: What is the wierdest thing you have found

in your childs room?
2013-07-14 23:34:48
/u/Jubiiboy
And how and where did you find it? what did you think when you found it?
Edit: Wow i never expected this response thank you guys.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
802
Dear Dad - though I appreciate

The things youve done for me,
And shouldnt like to devastate
Or harm the sanctity
(Or undermine the worth and weight)
Of loving family -
Weve grown apart, it seems, of late,
Im sure that youll agree,
And so Im seeking real estate
To find new tenancy.
Hed packed a case and rental-guide,

And nodded when I said:
I understand, except. . . , and sighed,
. . . youre five. Go back to bed.
#259 What is one lie you must keep up, that you hate,
but it covers up a much bigger fuck up?
2013-07-14 20:13:39
/u/Chris Jeeb
For example. . . .maybe you spilled a cup, of apple juice, in the hall, and it was not your
moms fault.
EDIT: Fixed my syntax in the summary as to not make it seem like an answer to the
question. Just a guy, caught between asking a serious question and dying to make a Blink
reference. Time to make some Toast and Bananas.
/u/bfilmmaker
My wife and I were at my parents house helping them organize things in the attic. My
wife slipped at one point and stepped right through the bedroom ceiling. I picked her
back up and I could hear my parents yelling What was that? What happened?. She
started crying because shes always trying to impress my parents, so I yelled down I
stepped through the ceiling, sorry! and took the blame. Years later, My family still
makes fun of me for the incident. I just look over at my wife and wink.
EDIT: Thanks for all the love everyone and the Reddit Gold. Are we the only people
with flimsy ceilings? We have boards that go across the support beams because you arent
supposed to step on the actual material that is the ceiling because it doesnt support any
weight. Its all just covered in insulation.
803
/u/Rickles68
Thats fucking chivalry right there.
They say that chivalry is dead -

A foolish moral of the youth
Replaced with disrespect instead,
And turned to dust in times uncouth;
But when he stood up strong and called:

Its nothing ma but me, I swear!
I knew the truth and thought, enthralled. . .
Thats fucking chivalry right there.
#258 [NSFW] Strippers/Exotic Dancers of Reddit, does

anyone that you consider attractive ever come in, if so do
you treat them dierently?
2013-07-13 19:31:11
/u/ Made A Throwaway
I know most girls/guys at those kinds of bars basically fake liking all the customers,
but is there anyone that you actually consider attractive? If so, how do you treat them
dierently than other the other people that come in?
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Gapmasta
I met my wife in the same way. Except she wasnt a stripper and I was pissing on a wall
the first time she saw me.
/u/Forgets the topic
So in other words a totally dierent way.
804
Oh man, thats just the same as me!

Except - instead of bars at night,
And passing university,
And dancing till the morning light -
And also, come to think of it,

Without the club and friend or two -
And leaving out the stripping bit,
And all the rest, to tell it true -
Her discontent I overcame

Whilst pissing on a bar-room wall. . .
But part from that, were just the same!
And. . . not the same, in fact, at all.
#257 What is the best way to freak out a complete stranger?

2013-07-13 00:00:17
/u/(deleted user)
/u/(deleted user)
1. Go to grocery store.
2. Buy beer and baby formula.
3. Have enough cash for one or the other.
4. Put baby formula back.
/u/skyswordsman
This is hilariously terrible.
I spied him in the five and dime -

He chose the beer above his brood,
And said: my friend, I think its time
The baby bought its own damn food.
805
#256 What is the best way to freak out a complete stranger?
2013-07-12 23:22:23
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Achak320
Stranger: Hi, what do you do?

Me: Im in medical school.
Stranger: Oh do you know what kind of doctor you want to be?
Me: (with a straight, serious face) pediatric gynecologist
/u/GregTheGreat
. . . thats actually not a real profession right?
/u/joeahchay
Well, you dont exactly get PAID to do it. . .
When I was young and lost in thought

With dreams of joy and futures grand,
I never aimed for what I ought
And pitied aspirations bland.
I watched the kids who said theyd be

A cop, or vet, or astronaut
(Or sailors sailing cross the sea,
With all the fame that fortune brought),
And harboured just one hope the most -

That life held other plans for me -
Intended for the worthy post. . .
Of peda-gynecology.
806
#255 What is the most useful thing you have learned on
Reddit?
2013-07-10 19:53:48
/u/Morlaak
EDIT: Apparently everyone learnt that moving back and forth in the toilet makes crapping
easier.
/u/stonemender
No single raindrop believes it is responsible for the flood.

None of us are as dumb as all of us.
I knew that I could do it right;

That I could fix the Earth -
That I could end our plague and plight
And change, for what its worth.
And so I called til I was hoarse -

The others did the same;
And though I saw him die, of course. . .
It wasnt me to blame.
#254 This probably isnt a healthy confession

2013-07-10 09:10:49
807
/u/I RAPE ANAL POTATOES
[Link]
/u/KittyCLawe
I also found it sweet, but now, Im too focused on how disturbing your username is.
A tear rolled down my cheek - a smile

As sweet as grief and longing came,
And so I pondered love a while. . .
Until I saw that username.
#253 What disgusting secrets does your employer keep

from its customers?
2013-07-08 17:59:42
/u/mmm donuts
/u/Uguuuu
My employer refuses to do any work unless I give him handjobs.

Im self employed.
808
With resignation to the core

I hung my head and sighed,
For not a word hed write before,
Relenting, I complied.
And so, when Id performed the chore

In shame, and fetched my pen,
I wrote for seven minutes more. . .
Until I fapped again.
#252 What is the silliest non-swearing insult that you

could call someone?
2013-07-05 19:42:32
/u/(deleted user)
THIS THREAD IS DEAD. QUIT SPAMMING MY FUCKING INBOX
/u/Talonspyre
When working in retail, calling a fellow employee a Lifer.
/u/QuickWren
Ohhh, as a former retail worker. . . . I can feel the burn.
/u/Timthos
I honestly had nightmares about this when I worked in retail. Actually, I still do occa-
sionally.
/u/trivialretort
I had a previous manager ask me to leave college, in order to become a manager there. I
didnt go for it
809
Ive dreamt of worlds where hell exists

And terror smiles from out the deep
Amidst the shade of nightmare mists
To wake the bravest from her sleep.
Ive lived a life of dread in dreams,

Where ghosts and spirits walk the night
With whispered words of hate, it seems,
In lonely, haunted, spectral light.
My sleeping mind has robbed the cheer

Of day to trade in doubt and strife. . .
And still, it couldnt match the fear
Of working retail all my life.
#251 Waiters/Waitresses of Reddit, have you ever seen a

couple date go sour right in front of your eyes? If so, how?
2013-07-03 19:34:41
/u/tartio
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/MoosebarFit
Dont feel too bad for him. He dodged a bullet on the first date.
Her screams still echoed in his ears -

A mad cacophony of crazed
And bitter rage through angry tears
That left him in the silence, dazed.
He motioned for the cheque, eyes wide,

And watching where his date had sat;
Then settled back and smiled and sighed,
And whispered. . . huh, thank fuck for that.
810
#250 I am David X. Cohen, head writer on FUTURAMA
- AMA!
2013-07-02 01:26:58
/u/DavidXCohen
As usual, I am unemployed due to cancellation so I have lots of free time. reddit - ask
me anything!
I have a great proof photo too.
THANKS, EVERYBODY! I (and Matt, and everyone who works on the show) deeply
appreciate the support and the kind words and the anger at our cancellation, even the
third time around.
As a special reward I have been authorized (okay, ordered) to provide a link to a never-
before-seen clip from one of our few remaining episodes (snie). Its The Inhuman
Torch, coming up on July 10. Enjoy! Bye!
http://www.comedycentral.com/video-clips/7tx1wt/futurama-helium-mine
/u/omarei
If this is actually you, then I have to ask: WHY ARE THEY CANCELLING THE
SHOW?! Why wont Netflix take the show? I am just so mad
Edit: I understand they are not making enough money back, but its just such a good
show. I dont understand why people arent flipping out about this. The simpsons (based
in the present, with limited possibilities) has been on for 23 seasons, while its counterpart
Futurama (based in the future and has endless possibilities) is being stopped?
Edit/Preachy message: Since this is one of the top comments, people must also be
concerned about Futuramas fate. Hence, I will use my ephemeral position of power for
some good:-
Everyone go and watch Futurama on Netflix. Do this often, and do it soon.
This just might have the same eect Arrested Development did. Go forward
unto Netflix my children
If you dont have access to Netflix, then go out and buy the episode jurassic bark. If
everyone buys this one episode, it might make the the execs feel like fry leaving behind
the dog (us).
FINAL EDIT: Snoop Lion just did an AMA and he just said he loves fu-
turama the most!!! LISTEN TO THE MAN MR COHEN :) /u/davidxcohen
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1hgnhk/i am snoop lion back again ask me anything pt 2/cau64y9
/u/purefx
Fox needs to take it back. Do we really need the Cleveland Show?
/u/adamwayne gravytrain
The Cleveland show got canceled last month.
811
Bender, Leela, Fry and Boxy,

Scruy, Zapp and Nibbler too;
Donbot (even Clamps, by proxy),
Mom and Kif - so long, adieu.
Doctor Zoidberg, Hermes, Morbo,

Robot santa, Calculon,
Hedonismbot, Roberto -
Man, it sucks theyll soon be gone.
Still. . . although Ill miss that blasted

Catchy theme tune, lost in woe -
Christ, Im glad its not outlasted
By the goddamned Cleveland Show.
#249 Gay people of Reddit, what signs do you look for

when trying to find another gay person to date? In other
words, how do you know theyre gay?
2013-06-30 19:55:14
/u/epq99
body language, things they say, the way they dress? It seems like some people arent very
obvious about their sexual orientation, so, how do you know?
/u/campoanywhere
The trick is to look very closely at the guys mouth. If it has another mans penis in it,
hes likely gay.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/SometimesPostsThings
No, they cancel out.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
812
Ill tell you of the surest way

(Im sure that youll agree)
To extricate without delay
His sexuality:
Examining the mouths the trick

To working out whats true -
Hes likely gay if theres a dick. . .
Or straight if there are two.
#248 I am Weird Al Yankovic Ask Me Anything!

2013-06-27 23:17:34
/u/alyankovic
Hi, Im Weird Al Yankovic, but you can call me Al. I record songs and make music
videos and do concert tours and write books and sometimes do stu in TV and films.
You can Ask Me Anything. Except about the movie Rampart, I will not talk about that.
By the way, its a complete coincidence that I happen to be doing this AMA at the same
time as the release of my new childrens book My New Teacher and Me! . . . but I should
also mention that if you buy a copy today you will automatically be my new best friend
in the whole world.
Look, its really me. See?
Still not convinced? Heres definitive photographic proof. I guarantee this has not been
Photoshopped.
Okay. . . whaddaya wanna know?
UPDATE
My book signing event here in Cincinnati is about to start, so Im afraid Ive got to leave.
Thanks, everybody, this was really fun! Lets do it again sometime!
/u/lvbnhbq13
Do you like Kirk or do you like Picard?
/u/alyankovic
There are some questions Im happy to answer freely, and some questions that will never
be answered in this or any lifetime. This is one of those questions.
813
Well cure all known disease and teach

The world to live in harmony,
Or find a way with ease to reach
The bottom of the deepest sea;
Well rid ourselves of wealth and debt

And learn to last in dreams and joy,
And best with hope the darkest threat
That any foe could eer employ;
Well love and laugh in peace, and then

Well look to life and future work
In arms, my friends, to live again. . .
Before we choose: Picard or Kirk?
#247 Is there any one thing in the world that everyone

can agree on?
2013-06-25 23:57:08
/u/Erzsabet
Edit: Guys, can we stop saying OP is a fag and any other iterations of that? This isnt
4chan, and its derogatory towards the gay community.
/u/Harte3132
Mosquitos are horrible and the world would be a much better place without them
/u/ifuckinglovepie
Completely agreed. Fuck them.
> Fuck them.
~ ifuckinglovepie
http://i.imgur.com/YCg4NKE.jpg
814
Ive travelled all the world around

And walked the gorgons breeding-ground,
And swam the waves where sirens drowned
Their sailors lost at sea;
Ive heard the cries of humankind,

And seen the darkest sun designed
To set upon the meek and blind
Indierent to their plea;
Ive lived the worst of all and still -

Through empty souls and evil-will -
Ive never seen a sketch so ill. . .
Til this grim artistry.
#246 Is there any one thing in the world that everyone

can agree on?
2013-06-25 23:09:20
/u/Erzsabet
Edit: Guys, can we stop saying OP is a fag and any other iterations of that? This isnt
4chan, and its derogatory towards the gay community.
/u/kumanoki
We all must die at some point.
/u/SomeRandomRedditor
Bullshit, well become immortal cyborgs someday.
815
My friends, if theres a single thing

On which we humans might agree -
From simple folk to lord and king -
With any hope of certainty:
Ill say, alas, were all designed

To die our simple deaths, and then
Well fade to dust. . . unless mankind
Develops awesome cyborg-men.
#245 I work at reddit, Ask Me Anything!

2013-06-23 22:25:09
/u/alienth
Salutations ladies and gents,

Today marks the 2-yr anniversary of my last IAmA, so I figured it might be time for
another one.
I wear many hats at reddit, but my primary one is systems administration. Ive dabbled
in everything from community stu to legal stu at one time or another.
Ill be here throughout a good chunk of the afternoon. Ask away!
Heres a photo verifying nothing other than the fact that I am capable of holding a piece
of paper.
Edit: Going to take a break to grab some food. Ill be wandering in and out to answer
more throughout the next few days. Thanks for the questions all!
cheers,
alienth
/u/leontes
Is it true that you guys can just give gold to anyone without having to pay for it?
/u/alienth
Yes. But asking for it or hinting about it definitely doesnt help your odds.
816
Though working here is kinda great

(A fact I cant deny) -
And karma comes on tap til late
In limitless supply -
Theres only one thing in these threads

That gets a little old -
And thats the endless orangereds
In search of Reddit Gold.
#244 Hotel workers of Reddit, whats the craziest, weird-

est thing youve discovered in a guest room?
2013-06-23 19:23:58
/u/jibby1
/u/Lancerman360
There was this one guy who stayed at least one night every week and he always requested
the same room. We thought he was maybe making drug deals or something so we searched
the room after he checked out one day.
Turns out he was hiding a blowup doll under the mattresses. We threw it away and he
only came back once after that. I kinda felt bad for him.
/u/ vargas
Life Pro Tip: Keep blowup dolls in your car so that you can use the carpool lane. Also,
fill them with gas so you never have to worry about running out of fuel.
/u/PonderingWombat
A human-shaped plastic sex toy filled with petrol sitting next to me while I speed down
the car pool lane? What could possibly go wrong?
/u/Raincoats George
Gasoline on your dick. Trust me it burns like hell.
817
/u/D2sney
This sex is on fire
I took her from her packaging,

And smiled a lovers smile -
Her lips still formed that perfect ring
To coax and to beguile;
My will and my restraint were through

And I could not resist -
And so I tried a foreplay new
To liven up our tryst;
But as I grinned and poured the cup

With titillating glee,
And tried my best to blow her up. . .
She blew up properly.
#243 I am Elijah Wood - AMA!

2013-06-20 22:14:42
/u/iamElijahWood
Hi reddit, Elijah here. You have probably seen some of the films Ive been in, plus Im on
a tv show called WILFRED. And I deejay. And I produce horror movies too; and Im in
a film called MANIAC that comes out this Friday. That was a mouthful. Anyways, Im
ready to take your questions. Ask away!
proof here
edit - Im so sorry guys, have to go - this has been an incredible experience and something
that I have wanted to do for a while now, so thank you for all of your questions and
providing me some fun things to think about. And I hope you all had as much fun as I
did. I hope to come back.
/u/burgundyoink
WHY DONT YOU AGE!?
/u/iamElijahWood
There is a painting in my attic that is doing that for me.
818
/u/burgundyoink
Alright, Wood. Your story checks out. Youre free to go.
Half-hidden in a broken room,

Midst shadow-shapes and midnight gloom,
There lies the shape of painted doom
Concealed within a hood;
And if one ever thought to see

(With misbegotten bravery)
The image there, I guarantee
Youd live in woe for good;
For should you take the chance to stare,

Within that dusty, musky air,
Youd see the person under there. . .
And its Elijah Wood.
#242 Whats the funniest thing youve heard someone

mumble in their sleep?
2013-06-20 19:01:00
/u/(deleted user)
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/bosssauce316
You should be a very proud parent.
/u/Lost-Chord
Or a very scared parent
819
The twilight sky cast shadows through

Her room as darkness came to creep
In dusky shades of purple hue,
And as I watched perfection sleep;
She smiled and sighed and dreamt of lands

That only little children can -
Of princesses and golden sands;
Of palaces and superman;
And when I turned with thoughts in mind

To keep her safe from futures sad,
I heard a voice from close behind
Grunt: Hulk smash puny human. . . dad.
#241 If you could give the person you hate most a super
power, what would you give them?
2013-06-20 01:22:45
/u/Rookridge
Legitimate, overall good powers, but maybe some would be more of a burden that
blessing.
/u/Killerbanana5
Death touch. Theyd end up killing everything they love.
/u/HelpfulEngineer
Or hate! That could backfire!

Edit: My God. A Reddit celeb replied to me!
820
I smiled and wished the very worst,

With bitterness and hate renewed -
And laughed in glee at him Id cursed
To live a life of solitude;
And so I watched my splendid spell

Turn every touch a grim goodbye,
And thought his superpower swell. . .
Until he punched me in the eye.
#240 If you could turn one unfilmed novel into a movie

which would it be?
2013-06-19 19:39:53
/u/albino pirate
So many fantastic books out there that could be made into something really special.
/u/nine8nine
ITT: Lots of adults who never get past the teen fiction section of the local bookstore.
EDIT: OK, OK! read what you want! I was just noting the trend. On the other hand,
however, if I have to sit through another tedious teen fic adaptation with my girlfriend,
and its your fault because you like reading overblown, poorly plotted and atrociously clich
stories aimed at (and sometimes written by) hormonal adolescents with less developed
brains than you have, I will be quite disappointed. Quite. Disappointed.
/u/underdabridge
Shaddup ye snide cunt.
821
Ive flown throughout the universe

Aboard the Heart of Gold;
I left my home on Middle-Earth
For fields and caverns cold;
I spent my nights with Carraway

In nineteen-twenty-two;
I dreamt of owning land one day
With George and Lennie too;
Ive lived a life of tragic ends

And laughed at love and wit -
And all throughout the worlds, my friends,
Beyond the teen fic bit. . .
And yet - before I hear the call

Of curses on the air -
Ill say Id never lived at all
Before I started there.
#239 Reddit, whats the weirdest and most NSFW thing

that happened when you were at school? NSFW
2013-06-18 00:08:35
/u/TheBaconCopter
/u/TradocTanker
During homecoming dance at my high school in Maryland, this girl was grinding on her
date. Either she was very good at manipulating her ass, or this dude had no experience
with the ladies. I guess she got him all good and worked up to the point where he was
going to blow his load. Not wanting to cum in his pants, he decides to do the only other
rational thing, he whipped his dick out and came all over the chicks back. She ran out of
the room screaming, and he went and hid. None of the other high school dances I went
to ever lived up to that one.
Edit: For all those asking, it was John F Kennedy in Silver Spring.
/u/WheyGuy
Ah, good ol homecoming.
822
The decorated dining hall

Was ours, it seemed, alone,
Beneath the shining glitter ball
And canvas awnings sewn;
We stepped and smiled, until in truth,

With all a wondrous blur -
And all the certainty of youth -
I knew I wanted her;
And when she moved in close to dance

I felt without a doubt
A stirring in my underpants. . .
And man, it wanted out.
#238 What archaic words or phrases do you wish would

make a come back?
2013-06-17 22:10:25
/u/(deleted user)
/u/MathochismTangram
Ive always loved this collection:

here - this place
there - that place
where - what place
hither - to this place
thither - to that place
whither - to what place
hence - from this place
thence - from that place
whence - from what place
/u/JustAnotherSimian
Now snoop dogg style:

Hizzle - this place
thizzle - that place
wizzle - what place
hithizzle - to this place
823
thizzizzle - to that place
whizzizzle - to what place
hethezzle - from this place
thezzezzle - from that place
whezzezzle - from what place
Edit: Redizzle, thizzle fo the goldizzle!
/u/-willis
we out to hizzle thezzezzle.

whezzezzle?
thizzle.
From hizzle to thizzle

And all space betwixt,
Whezzezzle thizzizzle
And everywhere mixed,
Ive wandered hethezzle
Whizzizzle I go,
But wizzle I wander
I never shall know.
#237 Reddit, I am going to Italy for a couple weeks, and I

have three wallets that I intend to get pickpocketed. What
should I put in them?
2013-06-17 00:50:05
/u/BlatantConservative
/u/slackerdan
For one wallet, get a bunch of magazine with lots of pictures in them. Carefully cut out
the eyes from every photo displaying a person.
Get about 50 - 75 of these eye cutouts and jam your wallet full with them. If a pickpocket
grabs the wallet, hell be faced with a shower of EYES when he opens it.
Always good for rattling people. You can do other stu with eye cutouts, like placing
them on steaks in the meat section of your local grocery. But thats neither here nor
there.
824
Twas midnight and the streets were dark

As blackest pits of purest shade
In Rome, where alleyways were stark
And not a single sound was made;
I stalked my prey in dead of night

Who walked alone (except for me),
And slid behind just out of sight
As his unbidden company;
And when at last, to his surprise,

I grabbed his wallet unprepared,
I saw the eyes - dear god, the eyes -
That fluttered to the ground and stared;
And as I ran, I heard him scream

No matter where you go, youll see
Through every day and waking dream. . .
My wallet looking out for me.
#236 Whats your biggest pet peeve when having guests

over?
2013-06-13 23:15:08
/u/GrilledZebra
Well?
/u/Packersobsessed
They dont know when to leave
825
The moon was high, and in the night

Outside the winds were howling doom,
While here we sat beneath a light
That shone resplendent through the room;
He sat in front and talked in tongues

I tried my best to understand,
Until a sigh escaped my lungs
And stopped the sentence he had planned;
I said: My friend, Ill contemplate

Your thoughts again some other eve -
For now the hour has grown too late. . .
And man, I really wish youd leave.
#235 What is the hardest would you rather question

that you can imagine?
2013-06-12 23:27:51
/u/the shit I say
Edit: If your question contains the phrase Sex with your parents chances are it had
already been said
/u/Renfield 333
Would you rather watch your parents have sex everynight for the rest of your life, or join
in once to make it stop?
826
In dead of night with bated breath

And pallid in the gloom,
I climbed the stairs and hoped for death
Before I faced my doom;
The candlelight shone out their door

And flickered in the hall -
And in the dark, I sobbed and saw
Their shadows on the wall;
I heard their awful, anguished throes

And feared to comprehend -
And all, dear god, because I chose
The path to make it end.
#234 I drive a truck. Today a red focus decided to cut me

o in a very long, slow trac jam. We proceeded to make
his life hell for the next hour and a half.
2013-06-11 00:45:56
/u/PoorUniversityKid
[Link]
/u/wiseoracle
The Slow and the Furious.
/u/Brett Favre 4
So is that the 56th film where all the stars are 60+ years old?
827
/u/ghastlyactions
Youre thinking of the fourth Indiana Jones.
When Indiana Jones grew old

He didnt lose the whip,
But searched for new adventures bold. . .
And broke his fucking hip.
#233 When is the last time you honestly evaluated a

moral/ethical position you hold, and ended up changing
that position?
2013-06-10 16:06:33
/u/VincentGrayson
Ive talked about this with many people over the years, both in academic and casual
contexts, and found only rarely a real answer, but maybe a broader audience will bear
fruit. Im genuinely curious when the last time was any of you spent time analyzing,
researching or reasoning out a moral or ethical position you hold, and determined that
you were in fact wrong, and took up a new position on whatever issue it concerned.
/u/monotoonz
why would someone downvote this? its practically the epitome of rule #2. anyway
before my daughter was born, I wanted nothing to do with her. I had always told myself
that if I had a child, I would not walk out on him/her. I knew what I was doing was
wrong, but at the time I just didnt care, I was pretty ignorant. about 4 months into her
pregnancy, I started reevaluating things. I asked myself just what the hell I was doing
and if I really wanted to end up like my father (he walked out on me -and I swore Id
never be like him-) and my father is a pretty big douchebag. I also started to think of all
the moments I was hurt by him and thats when it really hit me. Do I want that for my
child? Does he/she deserve that? for the first time in my life I was GLAD to say that
I was wrong. my daughter is the best thing to happen to me. shes helped change me as
a person beyond belief. I am forever grateful for her.
edit: Reddit Gold? thanks! :)
edit #2: that little bit about downvoting is NOT about my comment in this thread.
its about the actual post. as in, Why would someone downvote this topic? its actually
a part of my original comment/post. I wouldnt make an edit to complain about people
downvoting ME. sorry, wanted to clear that bit up :D
828
My father taught me how to live

Without a hope, and how to give
A kid he didnt care about
A life of shame and fear and doubt;
He taught me how to miss a guy

You never knew, and wonder why
He couldnt find a way to say
You werent enough for him to stay;
He taught me how to never call,

And how to hurt, but most of all -
My fathers lessons showed to me
The dad I didnt want to be.
#232 What is an item or product that is always used

dierently than what it was intended for?
2013-06-07 20:08:19
/u/Toph a loaf
/u/QEDomelets
Incognito window is now solely for porn, not for buying presents for family.
Oh, I rather think it splendid

That, with disbelief suspended,
You imagine it ascended
To a purpose quite commended -
All the while, while it pretended
Gifts and presents recommended,
So one wouldnt be oended
(Even if miscomprehended). . .
How it really was intended.
829
#231 If Reddit had existed throughout the last 100 years,
what would some of the front page posts have looked like?
2013-06-07 16:23:15
/u/whitt 22
The best Memes, AMAs, TILs, tech, WTF, etc.

Edit: These responses have made my work day much more enjoyable. Thanks!
/u/RayBoogs
Nazi Germany has been defeated - Hilter found dead.

WE DID IT REDDIT!
Through every town and every street -

Cross every city wall -
Theyll hear the message, short and sweet,
And carry on the call;
Theyll put down every knife and gun

And pack, and each tin hat;
And think: at last - the war is done. . .
And I upvoted that.
#230 What is the weirdest thing youve done when youre

alone or when no one is looking?
2013-06-05 22:38:48
/u/QuayShawn
/u/AayKay
Win the arguments that I had had with people that I lost.
/u/toxicbox
When I do this it almost always devolves into a fantasy where I also beat the crap out of
the person I was arguing with.
I cant help but feel this isnt healthy.
830
I should have said I told you so,

Or some cruel piece of repartee -
To show them that theyre quite below
My undisputed mastery;
Or maybe made a quick retort

And put their argument to shame;
Then mustered up some perfect thought,
Or trusted uncontested claim;
And if I couldnt bring him round

(Or had I neither wit nor grace) -
I should have punched him to the ground
And kicked him in his stupid face.
#229 If the U.S. was a party, what type of party guest

would each state be?
2013-06-04 23:03:40
/u/(deleted user)
/u/electron-shock
Oklahoma brought a party game: Twister.

Ooooohhhhhhhh. . . .
/u/WolfHunterzz
/r/TooSoon
/u/Arikuza
Its never too soon for tornado jokes for us Okies.
831
We laughed throughout the trail of tears

And at the Ku-Klux-Klan;
We grinned when Jim Crow had his way
With every girl and man.
We chuckled through the thirties at

The drought, my friends, and skipped -
And positively howled out loud
When population slipped.
When Tim and Terry dropped the bomb,

We cracked a smile or two;
The hurricane wont get us down -
Im sure well see it through.
#228 What name do you immediately associate with a

specific type of person?
2013-06-04 22:13:25
/u/heebit the jeeb
Do you know people who fit stereotypes associated with their names, or is the name just
that suggestive?
/u/Gustavus Adolphus
Dude in a sports bar with a backwards hat is always a Chad
/u/StickleyMan
I was going to say every Chad is a douchebag, but same same.
832
The guy that laughed and shoved in front

To reach the fucking bar -
The jerk that didnt signal left
And scratched my fucking car -
The man that wears his sunglasses
Inside all fucking day -
The dude that treats his women like
Theyre only fucking prey -
The dick, the douche, that asshole friend,
The best she ever had -
No matter what, Ill tell you folks. . .
Its always fucking Chad.
#227 What technology exists that most people probably

dont know about & would totally blow their minds?
2013-06-03 19:02:48
/u/championkid
throwaways welcome.
Edit: front page?!?! looks like my inbox icon will be staying orange. . .
/u/TheClayroo
Theres a little switch beside your steering wheel that lets drivers around you know you
intend to turn or change lanes.
edit: some people seem to be confused. Here it is in action.
edit 2: First time getting Reddit Gold. Props to you.
/u/notoriousstranger
Okay pal, what ever you say

http://i.imgur.com/rVlkV.gif
/u/NotaMethAddict
So youre that guy. That guy who doesnt use signals.

After all these years we finally meet.
Ive been waiting for this moment.
833
/u/DMH838
My name is Inigo Montoya, you cut o my father, prepare to die.
Through bitter seas and circus sands

And cross the lands where wild winds blow,
Ive sailed the breeze on winter waves
And walked the graves of long ago -
And all, my friend, with no regrets,

To settle debts and say goodbye
To him Id end for turning right
Without a light. . . prepare to die.
#226 What is the scariest/creepiest thing you have seen/heard?

2013-05-29 18:23:45
/u/Youdonotsay
I want to see everything! Pictures, videos, gifs, sounds, or even a story, I dont care. If
its creepy, post it. I love the creepy/scary stu.
Remember to sort by new guys. There really are some great stories buried.
/u/danrennt98
The Smiling Man From /r/LetsNotMeet

>About five years ago I lived downtown in a major city in the US. Ive always been a
night person, so I would often find myself bored after my roommate, who was decidedly
not a night person, went to sleep. To pass the time, I used to go for long walks and spend
the time thinking.
>I spent four years like that, walking alone at night, and never once had a reason to feel
afraid. I always used to joke with my roommate that even the drug dealers in the city
were polite. But all of that changed in just a few minutes of one evening.
>It was a Wednesday, somewhere between one and two in the morning, and I was walking
near a police patrolled park quite a ways from my apartment. It was a quiet night, even
for a week night, with very little trac and almost no one on foot. The park, as it was
most nights, was completely empty.
>I turned down a short side street in order to loop back to my apartment when I first
noticed him. At the far end of the street, on my side, was the silhouette of a man, dancing.
It was a strange dance, similar to a waltz, but he finished each box with an odd forward
stride. I guess you could say he was dance-walking, headed straight for me.
>Deciding he was probably drunk, I stepped as close as I could to the road to give him
the majority of the sidewalk to pass me by. The closer he got, the more I realized how
834
gracefully he was moving. He was very tall and lanky, and wearing an old suit. He danced
closer still, until I could make out his face. His eyes were open wide and wild, head tilted
back slightly, looking o at the sky. His mouth was formed in a painfully wide cartoon
of a smile. Between the eyes and the smile, I decided to cross the street before he danced
any closer.
>I took my eyes o of him to cross the empty street. As I reached the other side, I
glanced back. . . and then stopped dead in my tracks. He had stopped dancing and was
standing with one foot in the street, perfectly parallel to me. He was facing me but still
looking skyward. Smile still wide on his lips.
?I was completely and utterly unnerved by this. I started walking again, but kept my
eyes on the man. He didnt move.
>Once I had put about half a block between us, I turned away from him for a moment to
watch the sidewalk in front of me. The street and sidewalk ahead of me were completely
empty. Still unnerved, I looked back to where he had been standing to find him gone.
For the briefest of moments I felt relieved, until I noticed him. He had crossed the street,
and was now slightly crouched down. I couldnt tell for sure due to the distance and the
shadows, but I was certain he was facing me. I had looked away from him for no more
than 10 seconds, so it was clear that he had moved fast.
>I was so shocked that I stood there for some time, staring at him. And then he started
moving toward me again. He took giant, exaggerated tip toed steps, as if he were a
cartoon character sneaking up on someone. Except he was moving very, very quickly.
>Id like to say at this point I ran away or pulled out my pepper spray or my cellphone
or anything at all, but I didnt. I just stood there, completely frozen as the smiling man
crept toward me.
>And then he stopped again, about a car length away from me. Still smiling his smile,
still looking to the sky.
>When I finally found my voice, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. What I
meant to ask was, What the fuck do you want?! in an angry, commanding tone. What
came out was a whimper, What the fuu. . . ?
>Regardless of whether or not humans can smell fear, they can certainly hear it. I heard
it in my own voice, and that only made me more afraid. But he didnt react to it at all.
He just stood there, smiling.
>And then, after what felt like forever, he turned around, very slowly, and started dance-
walking away. Just like that. Not wanting to turn my back to him again, I just watched
him go, until he was far enough away to almost be out of sight. And then I realized
something. He wasnt moving away anymore, nor was he dancing. I watched in horror as
the distant shape of him grew larger and larger. He was coming back my way. And this
time he was running.
>I ran too.
>I ran until I was o of the side road and back onto a better lit road with sparse trac.
Looking behind me then, he was nowhere to be found. The rest of the way home, I kept
glancing over my shoulder, always expecting to see his stupid smile, but he was never
there.
>I lived in that city for six months after that night, and I never went out for another
walk. There was something about his face that always haunted me. He didnt look drunk,
he didnt look high. He looked completely and utterly insane. And thats a very, very
scary thing to see.
835
http://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/rvzaq/the smiling man/
/u/ceejiesqueejie
Oh my fuck.
Twas midnight midst the city streets

Beneath a sky as black as space -
I stood alone where lamplight meets
The shade, with shadows on my face.
In front, he crouched and smiled a smile

Beyond the faculty of men -
I watched in fear, and for a while
He didnt stir or move again.
And when, at last, he stepped away,

I thanked aloud the gods for luck -
Until he turned to my dismay
And ran. . . to cries of oh my fuck!
#225 Whats the hardest thing youve ever had to do?

Emotionally or physically?
2013-05-26 18:46:46
/u/maddz2402
/u/shiny brine
Sign a Do Not Resuscitate order at the end of my wifes battle with cancer.
Edit: Thanks for all the kind words and sympathy. This happened 14 years ago this
week, after 6 wonderful years of marriage (we were both in our early 30s). I got through
the grief and dispare with the help of a guy who stepped in and made sure I was on a
path to love life again. He had just gone through a rough divorce and I think I was the
project he needed to keep his feet on the ground.
Ive since remarried to a wonderful woman who understand and appreciates what my late
wife brought into my life. And weve adopted a little boy. Life does go on, and even
though we often miss those weve lost, it can still be pretty amazing.
836
/u/LSDismyfriend
After my uncle died of complications due to his pancreatic tumour in Germany my dad
and I dropped by his hotel he was staying at before he was admitted (he was in Germany
for treatment) to gather his stu and head back home (I was living in the UK at the
time) scattered around his room were little gifts he bought for my grandma, his brothers,
me and my brother, thinking he was going to be coming home soon after his operation
to remove the tumour had ended he bought everyone gifts. That was really hard.
EDIT: One minute I post a comment, couple hours later 500 karma, thanks guys you
made my day :) you are all great people and thank you so much for the great words.
EDIT 2: Autocorrect.
EDIT 3: Wow, Reddit gold thank you.
I couldnt hope to comprehend

The pain that moment brought -
An empty room, and in the end,
A hope that came to nought.
And yet, though time is short, I know

Of one thing which Im sure -
That when its up, Id want to go
Still thinking I had more.
#224 What conspiracy theories do you believe may actu-

ally be true?
2013-05-25 21:23:40
/u/Shitty Therapist
/u/mudduck454
The conspiracy about how this question has been asked so many times on reddit, that
the government uses it as a a way to keep tabs on who knows what and why.
837
In shady hues of dusky night,

The solemn orange amber rays
From just a single lambent light
Cast shadows in the alleyways.
Its there they meet - between the eaves

Of long-forgotten factories -
They trade a file and one man leaves
With half a smile that no one sees.
The other sighs and nods his head -

Their secrets safe, and thatll do.
Another day, another thread -
And Reddit doesnt have a clue. . .
#223 Teachers of Reddit, what is the strangest note you

have had to write home to parents?
2013-05-24 16:00:47
/u/random rockette
Edit: Holy fuck, I posted this last night right as I was going to bed, and i didnt expect
this kind of response! Thanks reddit!
Edit 2: Omg, so much win. . . ..
/u/(deleted user)
A teacher had to write a weird note about me when I was in grade 3-4. I was playing in
this jungle gym thing made of tires, and I was climbing out of the tire you see. My friend
said HA its like youre crawling out of a vagina!, to which my other friend replied to a
girl who was maybe 10-15 feet away Hey Nicole! KyroDCK wants to climb out of your
vagina!
She told my teacher and I got in trouble, even though I didnt say anything. My mom
got a note from my teacher saying that I wanted to climb into the girls vagina and that
I shouldnt be thinking that way.
But in all fairness, shes really hot now and Id so get in that.
Edit: she also never talked to me after that, she was probably super weirded out by that.
Like, really, I went to school with her until like grade 10 (small school) and we never
talked to each other about anything unless we were doing a group project. Maybe she
was so flattered that the Kyro dick wanted to be all up in that.
838
Dear Sir or Maam, I must convey

A word or two, informally,
To talk about your son at play -
The youngest one, whos normally
A lovely child, the teachers say. . .
Despite the gym today.
And though Im sure its just a stunt

To please his friends, were quite concerned
For poor Nicole, who bore the brunt
Of language Timmy (somewhere) learned:
Who said - if I might be so blunt -
Hed climb out of her. . . front.
#222 Hey reddit! If roles were reversed, where being fat

was desirable and not being fat was undesirable, what would
be your best not fat joke.
2013-05-24 01:05:21
/u/(deleted user)
/u/JJKeys
Youre so skinny, skeletons hide you in their closet
839
I met a grinning skeleton

With bones of purest white;
We talked beneath the fading sun
As twilight turned to night.
And though those times were never dull,

He always seemed alone -
As though his closet held a skull
Or two all of its own.
I tried to ask him what hed done,

But he just said and smiled:
If humans keep a skeleton,
Then Ive a skinny child!
And so - those topics out of bounds -

I asked my friend no more. . .
Until I heard the banging sounds
Behind his closet door.
#221 What is the most powerful picture you know of that

doesnt require any explanation? (NSFW)
2013-05-23 02:14:16
/u/MonkfishPrincess
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
An action from a guiltless heart

Without the pique or creed;
A shield to keep them both apart -
In time, they wouldnt need.
840
#220 If you were one millimeter tall, where would be the
most fun place to hang out?
2013-05-22 22:42:10
/u/PENIS VAGINA
/u/Nemesis2772
Mating with worm pussy, that shit looks wet. I bet it feels amazing to fuck a worm.
It glistened, squiggling through a squirm,

Beneath a summers day;
And twisted - half a wriggling worm,
That tried to writhe away.
And as I watched it, frail and fraught -

All brown and long and fat -
I licked my lips and smiled and thought:
Ill have me some of that. . .
#219 What are some taboo topics for a first date?

2013-05-22 20:58:59
/u/un-birthday
/u/raven12456
Religion
Abortion
Politics
Economics
841
We talked of war and politics

And motivations true -
Of faith and sex and racial mix,
And economics too;
We spoke until she said goodnight,

And made her swift escape -
Abortion might have been alright. . .
Had I forgone the R.A.P.E.
#218 New reddit gold feature: orangereds when your

/u/username is mentioned in comments.
2013-05-21 20:43:55
/u/spladug
The latest reddit gold feature is called The Butler. No, not that one and definitely not
that one.
This butler lets you know when one of your distinguished colleagues has /u/ mentioned
your username (e.g. /u/reddit) in a comment anywhere (that you can see) on reddit.
Youll get an orangered, and the comment they mentioned you in will appear in your
inbox. Use this information wisely for maximum comedic eect.
If youd rather your ears burn unexplained, you may turn o this feature in your prefer-
ences.
Note: the butler wont notify you when you mention your own name or when the mention
is in your inbox already. Thatd just be silly.
/u/inept77
This is going to be perfect for those novelty accounts like /u/Shitty Watercolour
http://i.imgur.com/JlwW1m1.jpg
842
Just say his name and hell appear,

A brush and paint or two in hand
To bring a little arty cheer
From thread to thread, in colours grand.
And yet - Ill bet that over time

This change (as yet, Im not averse),
May sour a little as I rhyme
And end up something of a curse.
#217 Boyfriends of reddit, whats somthing you would

like your girlfriend to surprise you with randomly?
2013-05-21 19:37:17
/u/Hai ImBatmn
Please no one say BJ, i know thats at the top of everyones list.
He is working crazy hours at work recently and doesnt have a lot of free time for date
nights. Any time when he does come home, I just tell him to take a load o and make
dinner or suggest he game for a bit because I know hes tired or stressed. Do you guys
have any ideas on something I can surprise him with maybe?
/u/pjkenk2
Tacos. Like, I want to have a Saturday where were driving to the mall or something, and
suddenly she pulls out a whole tray of tacos from under the seat and is all like SUPRISE!
TACOS and then we would eat tacos.
/u/iambicpenthouselettr
From fairest creatures we desire increase --

More pig, more cow, more trompos de pastor --
So when she threw me an impromptu feast,
I promptly threw her down upon the floor.
We frolicked on a warm tortilla bed
Bedecked in fresh cilantros verdant green;
She sipped the salsa from my flautas head
While I, inverted, licked her taco clean.
We found the remnant oil from the grill
Was worthy of a porno from Japan:
I rubbed a soft corn disc across her hill;
She gave her virgin cornhole to her man.
Pity the girl, or else this glutton boy,
843
Who learned a jalapeos not a toy.
TL;DR: To wit, a bit of tac for tit.
#216 What double standards irritate you?

2013-05-19 23:18:03
/u/(deleted user)
/u/somethinkreative
You can sign up for the military as young as 17 (with parents signature) but you cant
legally purchase alcohol until youre 21
He placed a rifle in my hand

And said: youre o, my lad, to land
On foreign shores in blood and sand
At some old fools command.
And boy, Im sure youre bound to see,

In shades of broken bravery,
The worst of all humanity
Thats left in lifes debris.
Youll learn, my lad, the way to take

A soldiers life, and no mistake!
There isnt time to bend or break
When all the worlds at stake.
And there, beneath his brodie hat,

He smiled and gave my arm a pat,
And said Id raise a toast and chat. . .
But youre too young for that.
844
#215 What simple skill should I practice every day, just
so I can be astonishingly good at it when Im an old man?
2013-05-18 18:00:51
/u/mooshicat
Im thinking of being practical and listening to some Spanish lessons in my down time,
but there must be something more awesome I could be doing.
Edit: Thanks for the huge reply. There are some real gems here! Were going to be cool
old folks.
/u/anyone4apint
Musical instruments may be good here. If you were to buy a cheap keyboard you could
dedicate say 30 mins a day for the rest of your life to it, by the time you are and old man
you will be a piano God.
The trick here is to make sure that no one finds out about it for the next 50 years. So
you need to learn an instrument that is small enough to hide and that you can play with
headphones on so it makes no noise - hence keyboard may work.
Then, in 50 years time, one day you walk into a posh restaurant with your wife, kids and
grandkids. They happen to have a grand piano just sitting there. You casually stroll over
to it and sit down, your wife looks confused, your kids even more so and tell you to move,
but your grandkids say play us a tune granpa. . . . . . and you do. Not just chopsticks, you
bust out some of the most badass piano on the plant. You dominate that shit. Everyones
jaws drops. After, they ask wtf how did that happen, and you just say you thought you
would have a go and you guess that you must just be a natural. You never speak of your
years of secret learning. You become a legend.
Edit: Holy upboats batman! I shall spend my virtual internet points wisely on pictures of
cats and a harmonica!
/u/Frescote
Make sure you dont die before you get the chance to show o.
845
I learned to play as best I could

Across my youthful years,
And not a man was half as good
(For all my toil and tears);
To no one else I ever showed

My skills or expertise -
Until it seemed the music flowed
Before I touched the keys;
And so, at last, at eighty-three,

I faced the white and black;
Then sat to play for all to see. . .
And had a heart-attack.
#214 Whats the worst possible thing you could hear a

surgeon say seconds before you pass out?
2013-05-16 21:12:15
/u/Canjul
/u/yes armative
This one is the vasectomy, right?
/u/D45 B053
Or Been a while since I did a castration!
846
When my knee had needed mending

(After, shall we say, descending
From a trampoline and ending
Graceful as a brick) -
I remember almost sleeping,

Listening to gadgets beeping,
As a voice came softly creeping
Through my senses quick -
Whereupon my mind discerning

All the sounds with sleep returning
Heard a sentence quite concerning:
Right, lets get his dick.
#213 [NSFW] Whats a NSFW question youve always

wanted to ask but have been afraid to?
2013-05-15 22:32:41
/u/SuspiciousTumbleweed
/u/thanh48
Do other people enjoy smelling their hands after scratching their balls?
/u/scira
Yea kinda.
My friends, Ill say for what its worth

(Regarding that familiar whi ):
Theres not a single thing on Earth
As fine as scrotal scratch n sni.
847
#212 Men of reddit, what makes a creepy woman?
2013-05-15 00:13:36
/u/Whiteblackheart
Except from the fatal attraction movie.

Edit: Im guilty of some of the things mentioned here.
/u/lazlounderhill
She asks you to euthanize your dog because she feels it diverts too much of your attention
away from her.
We met up for our second date

And everything was fine -
She smiled and things were going great;
We shared a glass of wine.
And when the night was almost done

I kissed her in the street;
And so it seemed like wed begun
A passion pretty sweet.
And though the mist had quickly spread,

We laughed amidst the fog;
And it was perfect til she said. . .
You gotta kill your dog.
#211 Explain the plot of Firefly like you are poem for your sprog.
2013-05-14 01:34:33
/u/DoctorOctagonapus
Golden roses lit the night air;

Burnt the land and boiled the sea -
So it seemed amidst the nightmare
Battle of Serenity.
848
Years will pass and menll seek boats
Sailing to a thousand parts -
Colours fade from scars and brown-coats
Over time, but not from hearts.
Shepherds search for their salvation;

Brothers look to family;
Some have pay for motivation;
Others live for being free.
So it is we join the firefly

As she sails without a sound
Through some wind-swept distant night-sky,
Bringing smuggled goods to ground.
First-mate Zoe, Wash and Kaylee,

Simon, River, Book and Jayne;
Risking death and perils daily
Cross the verse, to seek their gain.
Cept. . . it seems the wars returning -

Rivers plight might end the crew:
Haunted muttered words concerning. . .
Two-by-two; their hands are blue.
And, no matter where theyre going -

What the worlds or fortune brings -
Troubled winds are always blowing
Round the fireflys broken wings.
Thus they look to their commander;

To their captain, good and brave:
Malcolm Reynolds fight and candour -
As he aims to misbehave. . .
849
#210 Sperm Bank Workers of Reddit: What is the most
awkward/funniest experience you have ever had with a donor?
2013-05-11 23:32:43
/u/Seawead
/u/Francisredface1
Not a sperm bank worker, but I was a nurse that had to deliver sperm to the sperm bank
wing of the hospital. This really creepy looking guy was there to donate. I was wheeling
the trolley containing the tubs of sperm and I passed him in the hallway. The guy stood
in front of the trolley and leaned over it. He took a big sni then ran his finger along
the lids. I was telling him to leave when he whispered to me shhhhh, the babies are
sleeping so definitely one for the history books
We heard him from behind the door -

A shue and a groan;
He whispered just a moment more,
And gave an eerie moan.
And when we saw him shake his head

And sadly leave the stall,
He handed in his cup and said:
Hush. . . daddy loves you all. . .
#209 Who are the Jar Jar Binks characters of other

movies and TV shows?
2013-05-11 00:30:01
/u/SadisticRoadrunner
/u/DoYouWantAnts
Scrappy Doo - the annoying nephew of Scooby. Scrappy episodes always sucked.
850
I sat and watched as close I could -

The TV screen an inch away;
When every waking hour was good,
And every day the finest day.
And yet, despite my youth and pluck,

I watched aware, and always knew. . .
The episode would fucking suck
If it included Scrappy-Doo.
#208 What is the dirtiest/ funniest/ going to hell for joke

you know?
2013-05-09 18:31:09
/u/oh-no notagain
Probably a repost as old as time, but you never know something amazing could happen
/u/Puss149
I was in Key West and there was a homeless man with a sign that said 1 dollar for dirty
joke. Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: Alright sir whats your name?
Me: Puss149
Homeless man: So Puss149, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that
chicken have
Me: two?
Homeless man: Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?
Me: two?
Homeless man: Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?
Me: two?
Homeless man: Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs
are on that white cat?
Me: I dont know? A lot?
Homeless man: Well Puss149, why do you know so much about black cock and not
enough about white pussy.
/u/skiman13579
I love that guy, i live in key west and so ive spent a few dollars on him *edit the best (or
worst) joke i heard from that guy is whats the dierence between a bag of cocaine and
a small child? Eric Clapton wouldnt let a bag of cocaine fall out a window
851
/u/Tugut
Reddit: Where there is always another person who has met the same homeless person
My mother used to kiss my cheek,

And say: Beneath the starry skies,
Theres only one of you, unique. . .
But Reddit taught me otherwise.
#207 Whats the most dangerous thing you did as a child

that you didnt think was dangerous at the time?
2013-05-06 00:20:25
/u/unclesam 0001
/u/UglyReporter
Entering peoples homes without their consent while they were not there.
852
I had a friend who did the same

(And though, of course, Id like to blame
Society for her demise) -
Im sure it comes as no surprise:
When breaking in, you often find
Misfortunes close behind.
She ate their food and broke their stu,

And when shed finally had enough,
She walked around their home some more
Until, at last, behind a door,
She spied a fancy bed for two
And thought: yeah, thatll do.
And yet, it worked out in the end

For everyone (except my friend) -
For whilst she slumbered unawares,
The owners came. . . and they were bears!
An- wait a minute.
Stop the clocks.
I think I might mean Goldilocks.
#206 What is the most badass thing your pet has ever
done?
2013-05-04 18:35:14
/u/cheddar
/u/(deleted user)
I used to have a wonderful pet rabbit named Cola. Cola had free reign of all of the house
and the back yard, he could come in and out of the house through a cat-flap in the back
door. he refused to live in a hutch so he just ran where he wanted.
Anyway, Cola developed a sexual relationship with my basket ball. I wont go into details
of Colas private sex life but leave it up to your imagination. Cola saw an approximately
rabbit-sized object and decided that it would feel good to. . . you know.
One day my little sister was having a birthday party and this required balloons. The
morning before the party we blew up about 50 balloons, and had them all strewn all
around the floor of the lounge room before they were to be organized.
Cola came into the house to see whats up and he was delighted to see a massive collection
of potential sexual partners. This crazy little rabbit proceeded to fuck the shit out of
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each and every one of the balloons until they popped, and just moved on to the next
one. Cola managed to pop balloons with his rabbit-dick faster than my sister and I could
inflate them.
This was absolutely fucking hilarious. Picture a room full of balloons and a rabbit hump-
ing each one till it pops. Cola was damn determined to pop each balloon no matter the
shock he must have experienced every time they burst. Badass, horny little bugger he
was.
Oh, and Cola fought huge possums and won. About 5 times during the time he lived
with me he killed possums that were twice the size as him. I never got to witness a fight
but god damn I could hear it when it happened. I swear Cola Hulkified during the night
and went on rampages.
edit: heres a (sorry low quality) photo-of-a-photo of Cola. Hes dead now so I cant go
take a new one. http://imgur.com/ZW24uG7
The guests were all arriving and

The cake was almost done;
The house was decorated and
The party had begun!
I couldnt wait to show them all

My tiny awesome friend;
A little furry rabbit full
Of flu at either end!
And so I showed them round and said:

We bought him from the shop -
Just dont touch those balloons because
He. . . dammit bunny, stop!
#205 Whats the worst thing you ever did at school?

2013-05-04 01:17:37
/u/HeadHunta1
854
/u/leedorham
I was eating a PBJ sammich with my friends in the hallway and got full so started idly
smashing up the rest of the sammich until it was all mixed up together in a poop colored
moosh.
Then the corner of the bag broke open and the sammich squeeshed out like a turd. I
thought it would be a good idea to stick the fake sammich turd in the middle of the hall
while all the other kids walked by and see if someone stepped on it.
Well nobody stepped on it, and everybody noticed there was a turd in the hall. We were
chuckling about it but then the vice principle came walking up. Apparently someone had
told her. She looked at us and asked if one of us had done it. I walked up and apologized,
told her it was a dog turd. She told me that was disgusting, I was in serious trouble, and
to go get supplies from the custodian to clean up the mess myself.
I told her that wouldnt be necessary, picked it up, and ate it.
Ive taught since nineteen-eighty-three

And watched the fads all come and go
Much faster than my eyes could see!
The newest craze; the latest show.
And though Im sure Ill sound a bore,

I knew that it was time to quit
When just outside my classroom door. . .
I saw the students eating shit.
#204 Whats the worst tasting thing youve ever eaten?

2013-05-01 16:23:02
/u/emospartan911
Preferably foods. If you ate dog shit its not a suprise when it tastes like dog shit.
/u/pjkenk2
I really wanted tacos one evening, like REALLY REALLY wanted tacos. Sadly my car
was in the shop, so I was pretty much immobile. I had meat, seasoning, cheese, toppings,
everything you would need EXCEPT a fucking taco shell.
Theres a small sketchy convenience store near me so I thought, maybe they have some?
I went to it and found some corn tortillas hiding in the back, they were expired, but only
by a couple days, so I didnt worry about it. I bought them and took them home.
I cooked up the meat, sauteed the peppers, heated the beans, and was ready to eat. I
prepped up two tacos, sat down, and bit into one. Now the first thing I noticed was the
texture. Even though they felt like a normal taco shell on the outside, as soon as I bit
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into it, I felt like it transformed into little pieces of cardboard. Its as though it instantly
turned into a hard taco but with no crunch.
That wasnt as bad as the taste though. Imagine sitting down with your mouth open
while a sumo wrestler scoops his smagma all along your gums, slowly pouring microwaved
styrofoam down your throat. Thats what it tasted like.
Worst tacos ever. Only ate three.
/u/greensign
Weew, only 3. At least it isnt 4.
They tasted like a thousand feet

Had sweat throughout the hottest day,
And all their produce shaped to eat
For hungry folks, all led astray.
And though they looked as normal might,

Ill tell you with an earnest plea -
Youd never have a worse first bite
Than those foul things. . . and I had three.
#203 What memory makes you cringe every time you

think back on it?
2013-05-01 16:05:32
/u/helloeer
Edit: THOUSANDS of submissions! Whoa. I cant get to all of them but I absolutely
love reading as many as I can. Almost every one makes me laugh, subtly cringe, and
thank the universe that Im not you.
/u/calliope720
When I was in sixth grade, I was really good friends with a girl who was kind of a
social outcast. I didnt understand why - there was nothing wrong with her. She was
super smart, friendly, gregarious, and cute. She had an adorably gigantic mop of curly
brown hair, and glasses perched on a pointed nose. She had big, round brown eyes and
an earnest smile. She liked the outdoors, and animals, and liked to wear boots to go
trudging through the marshes looking for frogs.
One time, she and I were at a week-long nature camp with our class, and she was dragging
me through the swamps in our free time to get closer to some geese. She held me by the
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hand the whole way. It was nice. But when I went back to the camp to eat, I was stopped
by a popular girl I sort of knew.
This popular girl, who was a little older and more developed physically than the rest of
us, led me aside and smacked me in the forehead. What do you think youre doing?
You cant hang out with Nicole! Shes a lesbian! Youre ruining your reputation for some
weird lesbian girl who talks to ducks! Stop holding her hand!
I didnt even really understand lesbianism at the time. I didnt know what to do, but I
was scared that people wouldnt like me. So I found Nicole and interrupted her invitation
to eat dinner with her by saying, Ive heard some things about you and I just dont
think. . . I dont think I can trust you anymore. Or be your friend.
She looked at me for a minute and said, Ok. If you dont think you can be my friend,
you dont have to be. She turned on her heel and ran. I didnt try to stop her. The
popular girl put a hand on my shoulder and said Id done the right thing.
That was the second to last week of sixth grade. I didnt see her the next week. Or ever
again after that. Ever.
What I wish Id understood then was that I liked holding her hand as much as she liked
holding mine. I remember what it felt like. It was soft, cool, long, and milky white. I
liked walking through mud with her and watching the geese and frogs. I liked her boots
and her big hair. I liked her a lot, really.
We were just kids, but if Id known then what I know now about myself, Id have punched
that Sabrina girl square in the face and run back to my girl and asked her to be my first
girlfriend.
Its been twelve years, during which time Ive dated both men and women and mostly
forgiven myself for being a jerk, but I still wish I could tell her Im sorry.
EDIT: Oh my goodness, reddit gold. Means a lot to me as Id assumed this story wouldnt
be read by many, and Im still relatively new around here. Thank you so much for all
your kind words and such. And to clarify, yes, Im a woman.
I was worried that this might be received as super cheesy, and by some it was, and Im
sorry for that. Just kind of how I think. This memory makes me legitimately sad. And I
have tried to find her since, but I cant. And I dont want to bother her, either, after so
long. . . but you know. I wish Id been smarter back then.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/catch22milo
I think most of us can look back to a time when we were children and cringe a little
bit over something we may have done out of peer pressure. Its sad really, the anti peer
pressure sentiment, especially for kids, is as old as the phrase if they were to jump o
as bridge, would you jump to?. Yet children will still go out of their way to conform to
the opinions of their peers, many adults too I guess.
I guess what Im trying to say is, regardless of her personal relationship with the other
girl, whether it was romantic or platonic, shrugging o a friend like that because one of
the popular kids asked you to is an all too familiar scenario in the school system today.
Its a real shame.
857
I met her in the park one day

Before the summers end -
We made a thousand games to play;
She asked to be my friend.
And though wed run as comrades through

An age from long ago -
Although I really wanted to. . .
The other kids said no.
#202 White people: whats it like being white?

2013-04-29 01:19:59
/u/minoritymale
As a non-white person, Ive always wondered what its like to be white.

How is it being white? Do you like it? How do you think being white has aected your
life?
/u/theNYEHHH
I sunburn easily and I cant dance.
It isnt easy being white -

I cant play basketball;
Or mention race (for fear of slight);
Or dance, and thats not all:
I sunburn even in the rain -

Today I stayed inside,
But glanced out through the window pane. . .
And nearly fucking died.
858
#201 Obese couples of Reddit, how dicult is intercourse?
NSFW
2013-04-28 14:54:13
/u/(deleted user)
/u/(deleted user)
Im 280lbs with a really small peanut and I cant penetrate my girlfriend who is 330lbs.
When we are intimate it involves her talking nasty to me while I jack o my tiny idiot
dick. I squeeze her tits while I jack o. Sometimes I cum on her but not usually because
we are really lazy and she doesnt want to have to clean it up. We are both going to die
soon. Bye.
/u/SandstoneD
Unsure wether to laugh to cry.
/u/FiRe ClImBeR 19
I laughed but Im super high so yeah Edit* of course my highest voted comment is about
laughing at someones terrible sex life. I love reddit.
/u/Metalheadzaid
Sober as fuck, still laughed because the author is a comedic genius.
/u/OrangePrototype
>tiny idiot dick

True poetry.
She opened up the pizza box,

Then sighed and turned her head,
And said although this fast food rocks,
Why not eat me instead?
And though I kind of wanted to

(My breath was coming quick),
I really didnt want to view
My tiny stupid dick.
859
#200 Childless redditors over 55; do you ever regret not
having kids or do you feel like you made the right choice?
2013-04-26 22:01:40
/u/megalynn44
Young people who say they dont want kids are often told they will change their minds
or regret it when theyre old. Im just curious to hear from people who actually did make
that choice.
/u/crawl49
Never wanted kids. Never had kids. Been married 35 years. No regrets.
One thing that is dicult is finding people our age that arent interested in talking about
their kids or grand kids all the damn time.
Id like to lunch with Jen and Paul -

Or spend the night with Jo and Eve;
Id throw a party for them all -
For Jack and Mary, Sam and Steve.
And yet - I wont be doing that.

And sure, it seems a little rude;
But damn their oft-repeated chat. . .
Cos I dont care about their brood.
#199 If you could form a mass religion around one book

of your choice, what would that book be?
2013-04-24 22:50:03
/u/(deleted user)
Edit 1: Just figured out that Self Posts dont count towards your total Karma, but what
the hell I love all the answers. Thanks for all the comments!
/u/ekjohnson9
Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. Its the only clear choice. You have accessories
(cross=towel) rules, and mythology.
860
Commandment one: forever trust

The Word of Dent, for hell provide;
And seek the Heart of Gold with just
A well-used towel, and The Guide.
Commandment two: perform our rite

With all the tea a man might wish;
And speak our words of faith at night:
So long and thanks for all the fish.
And then - to all the old and youth,

From Ecuador to Kathmandu -
Youll preach the only endless truth. . .
To wit: the answers forty-two.
#198 Whats the most powerful single sentence you know

of ?
2013-04-21 19:35:07
/u/rhythmsticks
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
861
I know theres not a single thing -

No words that you could pick -
That ever cause the kind of pain
As when they say hes sick -
Until, that is, you hear their last,

And long for all the first;
For of them all, from start to end,
Im sorry are the worst.
It isnt fair that words alone

Can take so much away -
Without a word or two in turn
To make it all okay;
And so Ill oer up my own

To say Im sorry too -
And til I find some better words,
Ill hope that those will do.
Really, genuine condolences.
#197 Have any of you realized that you were the crazy
boy/girlfriend?
2013-04-19 21:15:04
/u/dianeruth
What did you do? What caused your clarity about how nutso you were?
/u/Dialupbrain
When I made a fake Facebook to try to flirt with my girlfriend to see if I could trust
her. . . nothing really caused the clarity, just kind of one of those what the fuck am i
doing? moments.
862
Thats it! Ill surely know at last,

With crafty smiles and artful glee,
The depths of all her faith and truth;
A test for love and loyalty -
And all I had to do was craft
The perfect man for her to see!
And so I wrote the first reply,
And thought - . . . the fuck is wrong with me?
#196 What is one excuse you hear but never believe?

2013-04-16 16:00:56
/u/ImUjustOlder
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
He ate his crisps and carrot cake,

And rifled through a bag of sweets,
Whilst munching on a pasta-bake,
With chips and cheese and chocolate treats.
He ate a pie; he ate a roast;

He ate his fill, then ordered more;
He ate a steak, and cream, and toast,
And chomped an egg, or two, or four.
And when he sighed and hung his head,

(Whilst chewing on some jelly beans),
He looked at me and sadly said,
I dont eat much. . . its just my genes.
863
#195 What is one cool internet trick youve learned?
2013-04-14 23:28:28
/u/zjb55446
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
He sat there in the doorway with

A shiver and a smile -
And asked me for a buck or two
To rent a room a while.
And though I should have liked to help -

To give, for what its worth. . .
Id liked a Facebook pic that day,
And done my bit for Earth.
#194 Whats the most shameful thing youve done re-

cently?
2013-04-14 01:47:09
/u/ryward64
.
/u/(deleted user)
Keyed someones car. I rear-ended her and she lied to the insurance company about an
injury to get more money and fuck me over. So I keyed her new car. I sometimes feel like
an ass. Other times, nah.
864
Ive always tried my very best,

To just forgive, and then forget -
No matter what should happen lest,
I lose my cool, to my regret.
And yet - I know I cant deny,

Theres really nothing quite as good,
As fine old-fashioned eye-for-eye -
And so I smiled. . . and keyed her hood.
#193 What is a torture method that would only work on

you?
2013-04-11 20:56:32
/u/BigBankBaller
/u/skorps
Repeated sexual intercourse with super models. CIA this is my biggest weakness. I know
you are listening I would hate this. . .
/u/seamusocoey
The CIA brings out a whole bunch of male super models
They sharpened blades and sliced and poked,

And stabbed and choked, and smelled of death.
And in the shades they cut and joked,
Until, blood-soaked, they stopped for breath.
And still - though fraught and wearing thin,

I raised my chin; I couldnt fail. . .
Until they brought the models in,
And flashed a grin - for all were male.
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#192 Reddit, what is the petty thing you do to fuck the
system that may or may not actually have any eect?
2013-04-11 01:44:29
/u/bigbadbutters
/u/ProfLiar
If Im in between court cases, I usually stick around and try to help out the younger
people with any petty legal issues.
Nobody deserves to have a bullshit charge on their record and generally college aged
students dont have the cash to hire a competent attorney.
I dont charge, but I dont consider it pro-bono. I do it just to fuck the police.
Edit: To whoever gave me gold, its very much appreciated. I plan on doing this somewhat
full time when I retire. . . .if that makes sense. (To clarify: Hit the courtroom, then the
golf course.)
Second Edit: Second gold. Very very much appreciated. As Ive tried to reply to a lot of
the comments, I unfortunately cannot reply to everyone. Many comments about my user
name and location. I live and practice in NYC and Im indeed a professional liar. Good
luck to all those dealing with legal issues and fuck the police. . . .
/u/(deleted user)
Hes like a legal super hero.
/u/(deleted user)
Lawbro helps you take down the law man.
A name thats whispered in the night -

A superheros call;
They say that hes a friend to fight,
For you, for one, and all.
For if its legal aid you need,

And justice is the plan -
Theres only one wholl do the deed. . .
They call him Lawbro Man.
866
#191 What would you do for $1 billion, but not for $1
million?
2013-04-06 00:15:14
/u/dvavfevae
/u/MiddleNames Danger
Retire.
edit: dannys a lil bitch
/u/AdvocateForLucifer
A billions the new million.
Id oer up my brothers brood,

Or row a kayak cross the sea -
Then go on television nude,
And give up all my dignity;
Id eat a puppy, nose to tail,

Or spend a night in no mans land;
Id drop the soap in every jail,
Or lick the nacho-ladys hand.
Or maybe I could. . . million? Shame!

You know I ought to walk;
That numbers so last year and lame. . .
A billion and well talk.
#190 What is the worst idea youve ever had?

2013-04-05 00:17:57
/u/Ninja Philip
or your best. or both.

Holy cow. Just refreshed my page. Went from 30 upvotes to 1317. Thanks all.
Started up voting all who commented at about 30 comments and now I cant upvote all
who comment. Unless I want to throw away days of my life.
867
/u/EarwaxPanties
Attempting to date 3 girls at the same time..who all happen to be best friends.
/u/callan351
Story time.
/u/EarwaxPanties
So as an 18 year old senior in high school, my hormones are raging. I liked to date girls
a little younger than me so I started dating this girl who went to a dierent high school
named Lauren. We dated for a couple weeks and things were going good, but as an 18
year old I didnt want just one vagina to play in. SO, smart me starts talking to one of
her best friends, Meagan. So now I am dating both of them, going to each of their houses
on dierent days and fucking around with them. BUT, I dont stop there. I start talking
to her other best friend Jessica and fucking around with her. I am on cloud 9 at this
point. 3 dierent girls was quite a feat for me. Anyways, so one day Lauren invites me
over, which I happily oblige to. I park my truck and get out and go inside and sitting
on the couch..is all 3 of them. . . staring deep into my soul with ice for eye balls. FUCK.
So I say h-hey yall whats going on?. Which i receive no reply to..just sitting there.
After about a minute of silence which felt like 30 Jessica stands up, followed by Meagan
and then Lauren. And all at once, I shit you not, they just CHARGE at me. Screaming,
slapping, scratching, punching just wailing on me. I say SHIT and run out of the house,
and guess who was waiting for me at my truck? If you guessed Laurens super redneck
walking steroid of a father then you are correct. Just standing, at my truck, smirking.
So. . . .I run..I just run and run and run and have one of my friends pick me up a few miles
away. I went back later in the middle of the night and got my truck.
For the record, I didnt speak to Jessica or Meagan after that. . . BUT, Lauren and I are
now together and have been for 6 years.
P.S. . . we also have a 3 week old daughter.
868
Its summer in the suburbs and,

The wind weaved through the trees;
I saw her from across the street -
Her hair blew in the breeze.
We spent those days together and,

I hoped theyd never end;
There never was a one like her. . .
Until I met her friend.
And with a rather complex plan,

I worked out what to do -
And then I saw the third of them,
And had to have her too.
But A needs flowers and a date,

And Ive got plans with B;
And when Ive done with both of them,
Theres no more time for C !
And so - it fell apart at last,

(A misbegotten date);
But still I dont regret a thing. . .
Cos it was fucking great.
#189 Has anyone actually tried sticking your penis through

the bottom of a bucket of popcorn during a date? If so, how
did it work out? [NSFW]
2013-04-04 02:14:32
/u/wfarber1
Edit: Apparently not everyone has heard of this, I thought it was a relativly well known
concept/urban legend. It was also in Dave Chapelles great moments in hook up history
/u/Stacyadelaide
When I was much younger, a guy I went on a date with tried this. Only, I didnt know
during the date because I hate popcorn. So he kept trying to get me to eat some and I
kept telling him no.
He got really agitated and told me I was ungrateful for not wanting to eat the popcorn.
He eventually got up during the movie and just left me there.
I found out later from a co-worker that he had taken her out and done the same thing,
869
only with positive results since she actually ate popcorn.
If he had just asked me to touch his penis I probably would have. I was kind of slutty
back then. Sheesh.
*added: Since this has come up a lot, this was a decade ago, Im 30 now, and Im married.
*added #2: It has come to my attention that the slutty comment is being taken kind
of literal as the night progressed. No, I wasnt actually slutty. I was just a girl in her
early 20s that liked a guy. If he had just told me he was interested I might have slept
with him. The whole moral of the story is, you dont have to pull stupid tricks to get a
girl to sleep with you.
This was ten years ago. Im sorry I dont have more details, but this is just one of
those bad date stories that I have filed away in my brain that I bring up with friends
sometimes. My first words to my husband last night was I finally had a reason to tell
that penis in the popcorn story today. He thought it was funny the first time I told him
and I hope that it was amusing to others as well. I have a few of these types of stories
because when I was younger I went on more dates. I no longer have to go on bad dates
because Im married now. Happily so.
Hope that cleared up any confusion.
He waved the bag of corn at me,

And dropped a sleazy wink;
I smiled politely back at him,
And pointed at my drink.
He shook it up a second time,

And oered it to me:
Go on, he grinned, youll like the taste -
I said: Im not hungry.
And when the film was almost done,

(The end was nearing quick);
He tried again, then sighed aloud,
And said. . . Just touch my dick!
#188 What is the most morbid fact or story youve heard

of, or can imagine? (Probably NSFW)
2013-04-02 13:46:27
/u/Myonlycomment
870
/u/HUNG AS FUCK
At this very moment, someone in the world is dying. Someone is being tortured. Someone
else raped. Some people have no idea where there next meal is coming from. Hell, some
havent had a good meal in their whole lives. Someone is giving birth. Someone else is
giving birth. Someone has just died.
Someone just lost a parent? you know how it feels to lose yours? well someone else is
feeling that. If not, imagine. Someones marriage is failing. Someones cheating. The kids
can hear mummy and daddy fighting. They hear daddy hit mummy.
Someones in pain, in hospital. A car accident? more than likely. someone trapped in
the wreck. the mother of a soldier, who has just been informed her son wont be coming
home. killed in action. Or the mother who has just walked in on her son hanging from a
noose from the ceiling? Theres 7 billion people, chances are. . . .
Your worst nightmare is right now, chances are, someone elses reality
I know that pain is relative -

And that its often hard as hell,
To shake o all your problems with,
It could be worse, or just oh well. . .
But take a moment - try to coax,

And rear those thoughts before they fade;
Remember theres a world of folks,
Whod do most anything to trade.
#187 Whats one word or phrase that makes you auto-

matically think less of anyone who says it?
2013-03-31 23:57:06
/u/iocundum
/u/mandilew
YOLO.
871
Epic fail, ec-cetra, YOLO -

Im quite sure that youll agree -
As a mother, random, whatevs -
Drive me to insanity.
Irregardless, totes, and would of ,

Could care less, supposebly -
Shake your head if I use SWAG and,
Breathe a sigh. . . then smother me.
#186 Reddit, as a kid, what was the worst misconception

about the opposite gender?
2013-03-31 20:14:15
/u/jshokie1
/u/Seikoholic
That girls were inherently clean, and werent gross at all, ever.
I saw the girl as grace defined -

My youthful mind swept up in strife;
And in the whirl, her face refined,
The daily grind of teenage life.
I tried to start to sate my lust -

To ask her, just to still my youth. . .
She farted part-way through and cussed,
And in disgust, I knew the truth.
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#185 If reddit was an acronym (R.E.D.D.I.T.) what would
it stand for?
2013-03-29 23:26:53
/u/One Giant Nostril
/u/Tidurious
Real
Everyday
Dorks
Debating
Internet
Things
EDIT: Mysterious gold-gifter, thank you so much. You made my day. All of you, actually,
have made my day.
/u/gak001
Read Every Day, Discover Interesting Things
Heres a kinder, fine foundation,

Emphasising admiration,
To explore an explanation,
For an acronym.
Often though procrastinating,

Through our upvote/downvote rating,
(Searching gonewild masturbating),
On an endless whim -
Reddits more than dorks exploring,

Old discussions, long-past boring. . .
Search; youll see creation soaring,
Bursting at the brim.
873
#184 What is a human behavior that you find absolutely
disgusting?
2013-03-28 23:21:23
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Val Hallen
We save our dead.

We seal them up in an expensive box, buy land, and save our dead.
/u/(deleted user)
We have fields of dead bodies surrounding places of worship.
A tractor-beam shone down on me,

And lit the ground a while;
And with a scream, I turned to see,
The little grey man smile.
I took him out to see the sights -

He always wanted more;
He asked about our world and rights,
(Which he seemed to adore).
And when I taught him all I knew,

Of humankind - he said,
Ive one last thought to learn from you:
What happens to your dead?
Do they ascend like us - returned,

To higher planes, or not?
I answered: friend - were buried/burned;
He said. . . You fucking what!?
874
#183 [Megapost] What are your best past or future prank
ideas for Aprils Fools ?
2013-03-27 22:04:39
/u/Ooer
Have you been scheming and cultivating a subtle plot for the past few months, or do you
feel a water balloon to the face is the height of prank-ingenuity? Lets fill this thread
with hundreds of dastardly ideas in the run up to April Fools.
To stop the same question being asked repeatedly we will be removing all posts asking
for April Fools ideas whilst this post is active.
This thread will be stickied after a reasonable amount of time to ensure everyone
has a chance of seeing it. If you are a fan of this idea, please let us know over at
/r/ideasforaskreddit.
We may do the same in the future for other popular events throughout the year (Halloween
costume ideas, Christmas present ideas).
/u/Pmonstah4
I prefer the old cocaine mixed with sugar trick.

Grandmother sure wasnt expecting that in her coee.
How bout a cup of coee, gran?

I asked her with impatient glee;
She said youre such a kind young man,
And smiled her wrinkled smile at me.
I sniggered at my awesome plan,

And watched her stir the sugar in -
Then shouted April Fools! I. . . gran. . . ?
The coee dribbled down her chin.
875
#182 Whats the hardest lesson youve had to learn in
life?
2013-03-27 17:12:48
/u/jw71088
basically im asking: what was the hardest experience you had to go through in order to
learn a specific lesson in life?
EDIT: you guys are coming up with some great statements, but you should also feel free
to elaborate or tell any personal stories that led to those lessons learned!
/u/One10soldier1
Sometimes they just dont love you back. . .
A thousand plots have taught me that,

If I should persevere and try,
Ill always get the things I want -
And so, with expectations high,
I held my heart for all to see;

And learned the hardest thing to bare,
Is that, no matter what I feel -
The tales are false, and they dont care.
And yet. . .
I dont regret a thing.
Youll sigh, Im sure, if I recall:

Tis better to have loved and lost,
Than never to have loved at all.
#181 What is the deepest you have gone in the internet?

NSFW
2013-03-24 22:59:08
/u/guruclef44
876
/u/Tdaug
Once visited a website created for the sole purpose of buying and selling human beings.
EDIT: Anyone else that sees this, I will provide links but you have to PM me and convince
me youre trustworthy.
EDIT 2: Oh my god. So many PMs :P Please no more, Im linking to some and they can
post if they want.
/u/JayandSilentBob420
Living or dead?
/u/Tdaug
Living. It was a slave trade website.
/u/JayandSilentBob420
Crazy. How did you end up there? Did you buy a slave?
/u/Tdaug
I was browsing the deep web for the first time. I was originally looking for guns to buy
online. I clicked some ads, navigated WAY far away from the original search, and saw
many BAD things.
Went from weapons, to drugs, to money laundering, to mail order brides, to slave trade,
to assassins, to child porn. Then I left.
/u/roxyard
And here we are. . . laughing at cats
877
Though it seems like years since clicking,

Hyperlinks, but never sticking,
To a website, always picking,
Darker depths to chat;
I remember just as clearly,

Chasing blue links cavalierly,
Almost til at last I nearly,
Lost myself to that -
For, no matter where I ended,

Through the deepest dark descended,
Nothing ever seemed as splendid. . .
As a funny cat.
#180 Reddit, what are the things that we all do but is

rarely talked about? NSFW
2013-03-23 01:49:34
/u/TheRationalMan
Saw this post in r/askmen, but I think there are things everyone does that no-one really
likes to talk about.
/u/james stains
At one stage in a mans life you will dedicate 5 - 20 seconds to trying to suck your own
dick.
878
When I was an adolescent -

Growing up through puberty -
Each and every day just seemed to,
Bring some new discovery;
So when I heard in the playground,

(Where I learned most, Ill admit),
What a man could really manage,
If he put his head to it:
Then I thought, with wonder dawning,

Like some pre-pubescent sign,
I cant wait to try it later. . .
And I almost broke my spine.
#179 What is the most exciting thing that you can truth-
fully say youve touched with your bare hands?
2013-03-21 23:14:03
/u/bedgymnastics
Besides boobs, of course. Unless they were particularly noteworthy boobs. I can let that
slide.
Edit: HEY LOOK I DONT NEED TO POST PICTURES OF MY TITS TO MAKE IT
TO THE FRONT PAGE. It appears that you just need to allude to tits. While Im at
it with the whole advice thing, stay in school, tip your waitress, and dont drink and
drive.
Edit 2: PSA: Penis and vagina are also not original. Its been said already, so if thats
your answer, please either find a post that already says it and upvote it or move on.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
879
Theres not a lyric on this Earth,

Nor verse to end the grief;
And still Id try to rhyme some words,
To oer you relief.
Life is often fleeting, asking,

For the highest debt;
Taking what we love and leaving,
Hoping we forget.
So it is that we resist it,

Through the toil and grime. . .
Keeping memories, thoughts of touches,
With us all the time.
Sincere condolences.
#178 If you became the President of the United States

today, and had access to every confidential file in existence,
which one would you look at first?
2013-03-20 22:46:29
/u/AlKruseFTW
/u/samtheflan
Area 51
880
Thats it, Im finally here, he thought,

And clapped his hands in joyful glee;
Ten years of work (but not for naught),
And all so that Ill finally see,
What happened fifty years ago -
The mysteries from decades past -
And why Roswell, New Mexico,
(To learn for good the truth at last.)
And so, the President elect,

Said hand the secret files to me;
He sighed with sombre, deep respect,
And spread the folder, just to see. . .
-REDACTED-
#177 If I went back in time to 2003 and told you every-

thing that happened over the next ten years, which event
would be hardest to believe?
2013-03-18 23:49:46
/u/penicillin23
It can be political, technological, cultural, personal, whatever.
/u/Tm caee
That Snape killed Dumbledore
881
Its not the first black president;

Nor the Iraqi war;
Its not the fact that HIV,
Has found its venom cure.
Its not Steve Irwins sad demise,

(Though hes missed all the same);
Its not that Ben Aeck bounced back,
To critical acclaim.
No, rather theres another thing,

Thats harder to conceive -
Cos goddamn Snape killed Dumbledore,
And that I wont believe.
#176 My girlfriend is away on tour, while on the phone

with her she dropped this on me the other day.
2013-03-18 00:50:28
/u/MrNomad101
[Link]
882
A poem for the long-distance redditors:
When Im feeling lost and sleeping,

Floating through the stars at night;
Thoughts unbidden, softly creeping,
Whisper. . . it will be all right.
So I dream of you and wonder,

If I built a ship for me -
Sailing through the foam and thunder,
Would you kiss me cross the sea?
Maybe if I made an airplane,

Only for your secret smile;
Stowed aboard a midnight freight-train,
Just to hold your hand a while;
Then I neednt dream with gladness,

Of embraces, kisses slow;
Just to wake alone in sadness,
Thinking thoughts of you, and so:
Know I always miss you dearly,

Dreaming dreams of when youll be,
Sleeping close and touching nearly,
Sighing sweetly, next to me.
#175 Police ocers of Reddit, what are some dos/donts

for someone who has just been pulled over?
2013-03-17 22:19:54
/u/xploit111
/u/DoctahNumbah10
Glue a tiny mirror over the picture of you on your drivers licence. That way, when you
hand it to the ocer, s/hell get confused and arrest themselves instead.
883
Well now son - Ive got to ask you,

Whered you need to get so fast?
Kid, you ran that stop-light right through,
Round the turnpike shortly passed.
Drivers licence, registration;

(Though Im fairly sure well find,
Youll be coming to the station);
Lets just see what. . . nevermind.
#174 High School teachers, how aware of your students

drama were you? Any good stories?
2013-03-17 01:52:05
/u/MikeW781
/u/mrdude12
I hear you [students] swearing.

I hear about your parties.
I know you got drunk this weekend.
Ive heard who you last slept with.
Ive heard how you moved to a dierent town and should be going to that school but are
still here.
Ive heard how your parents are abusing you and Ive reported it.
I heard how you want to be up so-and-so because they have no swag and stole your
girlfriend.
I also hear it from the other teachers and students.
Word to the wise. Stop talking about it in school.
I can teach them Math and Science,

Art and English, Geography;
All there is to know of Physics,
Politics and Chemistry;
But when classroom conversation,

Carries to me cross the floor,
Then I shake my head and wonder. . .
If Ive heard it all before.
884
#173 What is the most ecient money saving habit you
have?
2013-03-17 01:15:08
/u/jimmym007
/u/(deleted user)
Dont have the cash? Dont buy it.
If ever you should need a rhyme,

To help you think before you buy;
Whisper this beneath your breath,
And to your purchases apply:
Just a question - not to rob,

Or steal away the moments bliss -
But to make you pause and wonder. . .
Do I have the cash for this?
#172 What weird phases did you go through as a child?

2013-03-14 19:27:54
/u/HOQX
/u/blindoldgit
I went through a phase when I was 4/5 where whenever my mum took me out anywhere
if we saw old people Id point at them and ask her if they were going to die soon.
885
Oh what a gorgeous child you have!

And whats her precious name?
Oh thats so nice! They grow up fast,
And isnt that a shame?
Oh what a lovely dress that is!

A pretty little thing.
Shes got your eyes and nose, you know;
And what joy children bring!
The lady bent her head to me;

She looked me in the eye,
And smiled until I asked my mum. . .
So whens she gonna die?
#171 What is your best I told you so moment

2013-03-12 00:01:12
/u/Mista Redditor
Front page, thanks everyone!
/u/Eskibro830
When I was about six years old, my Mom brought home a movie when she got back from
work. When she put the DVD in, it started playing about halfway through the movie.
Upon trying and failing to rewind it, we were at a dilemma. Why was it starting halfway
through? I suggested taking the DVD out and flipping it over. My Mom told me what a
ridiculous Idea that was and how it wouldnt work. I insisted, but she just kept rejecting
my idea. As our family proceeded to not find a solution, I was all the while crying my
eyes out telling them to try my idea. I kept insisting and insisting but they proceeded to
ignore me. After quite literally a half an hour, my Mom finally flips over the DVD and
puts it back in. Sure enough the menu screen of the movie comes up. I told you so.
886
We could turn it o and on or

(I cried with a frown:)
Maybe we could take it back and
(Flip it upside-down!)
See if theres another there or
(Listen to me guys!)
Whether weve done something wrong and
(Tears fell from my eyes)
Though I doubt it, we could try to
(Give my plan a go?)
Turn it over - there! Its working
(. . . You guys fucking blow.)
#170 Whats the most fucked up question some has ever

asked you?
2013-03-11 01:08:52
/u/MLGredditSCRUB
my grammar is fucking terrible. . .
/u/redfaceryan93
My friends Dad took me to one side and asked if I would kill their family dog who was
becoming violent for 50. . . I said no and it was never mentioned again
You want to come round after school?

The question made me stop and smile -
The kid was popular and cool,
And so I said Id hang a while.
We played on all his PC games,

And stayed up late, til after dark;
Then called each other stupid names,
And planned adventures for the park.
And every second seemed a thrill;

Id never made a friend before. . .
And it was really awesome til,
I had to kill his Labrador.
887
#169 What is the ballsiest thing that youve ever done?
2013-03-10 00:16:13
/u/(deleted user)
EDIT: Thanks for the huge response! My balls shrivel in comparison to some of these
stories.
/u/KharlanTree
Asked the cute barista if he was gay. Unfortunately he wasnt. :
/u/professor dobedo
As a gay man this is absolutely worth the risk. Worst case scenario youve made a straight
guy/girls day or enraged a bigot.
A ballsy move is sometimes best -

Though frightening at first,
Theres nought to gain from keeping schtum,
Cept memories to be cursed.
So go ahead and take the risk,

And dont delay - but do.
At worst, youll make a strangers day;
At best. . . thats up to you.
#168 Three high school kids tried to prank my school-

nurse mother with this. I actually think they did a damn
good job!
2013-03-08 23:49:29
/u/BellyHat
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
At first I thought they had stabbed the nurse. . . What a relief.
888
/u/arlanTLDR
I read prank as shank at first. I was confused by the damn good job part.
Today a bunch of kids burst in;

A terrifying mob.
They stabbed my mother through the hand. . .
But did a damn good job.
#167 What is the scariest thing that has ever happened

to you, paranormal or otherwise?
2013-03-04 00:33:34
/u/p verploegen
Fairly common thread, I know, but always a fun read!
/u/Sip That Haterade
I was driving a shortcut from Twentynine Palms, CA to Albuquerque, NM. Twentynine

Palms is located in the desolate high desert east of LA. The shortcut was all two lane
road through total nothingness, except for passing through Amboy, CA. Amboy is a nearly
abandoned town nearly as far below sea level as Death Valley, with a dormant volcano
and lava field on one side and a salt flat on the other. It was also, at the time, a hotspot
for satanic group activity.
So I was driving by myself in the afternoon. I stopped in Amboy and snapped a picture
of the city sign, just to prove I was there to friends who dared me to take that route to
I-40. I got back in my car and proceeded to drive up into the mountain range between
Amboy and I-40.
Once I reach the top I am driving north through a canyon with high grass on both sides
of the road. Up ahead I see some stu in the middle of the road. As I approach I slow
down to see a red Pontiac Fiero stopped sideways across both lanes, a suitcase open with
clothes scattered everywhere and two bodies laying face down in the road, a man and a
woman.
I stop a hundred feet or so away and the hair on the back of my neck is standing up.
Being a Marine, I reach under the seat and pull out a 9mm pistol and chamber a round.
Something seemed very wrong, it looked too perfect as if it were staged. An ambush? Was
I being paranoid? Something was just wrong. Getting out of the car seemed unthinkable,
it was the horror movie move.
As I scanned the road I saw a line I could drive. Pass the guy in the road on his left,
swerve to the right side of the woman, behind the Fiero and Id be on the other side. I
dropped it into first gear, punched it and drove the line I planned.
889
I passed the back of the Fierro without hitting it or either of the bodies in the road. I
continued forward a couple hundred feet and slowed down so I could breathe and let my
heart slow down. As I looked up into the rearview mirror I saw that the two bodies had
gotten up to their knees and twenty or so people emerged from the tall grass on either
side of the road by the car and bodies.
At that moment my right foot smashed the gas pedal to the floor and did not let up until
I had to slowdown for the I-40 east onramp.
I will never know what would have happened to me had I gotten out of the car to check
on the bodies or stopped my car closer to them. Somehow I do not think it would have
been good. Sometimes real life can be scarier than a movie.
This has been posted before.
I came across the scene at night -

The headlights beaming in an arc,
To shine upon the nightmare sight;
To free the shadows from the dark.
They lay there, cold as ice and still,

As frozen life; as graveyard air.
I slowed the car and felt the chill,
Of deepest night: of strangers stare.
And even now - though years have passed -

If I should close my eyes Id see,
A thousand shadows darkly massed,
To claim whats theres to take. . . for me.
For though I fled, and live to tell,

The story of the death Im owed;
Ill say before my last farewell,
Just this. . . beware the canyon road.
#166 What are some things that are romantic when

theyre done in movies but would be branded creepy or
stalker if done in real life?
2013-03-01 17:22:39
/u/thehungjury51
Ive been mulling this over with friends and am interested in Reddits thoughts.
890
/u/caagan
Climbing onto a roof and tapping on a bedroom window.
I still remember my first love;

And bitter-sweet, she breathed a sigh;
I met him just as school broke-up,
Beneath an endless summer sky.
Those months just seemed to last an age,

As though a gift sent from above.
Id gaze into his eyes; wed laugh,
With all the zest of teens in love.
So whyd it end? I asked my gran;

Nostalgia faded; disappeared.
She shook the memory from her head,
And said. . . Cos he was fucking weird.
#165 Reddit, what is the worst thing you have ever done
for money?
2013-02-26 23:10:35
/u/(deleted user)
Anything interesting/weird you have done for money?

Edit: Deleted my story so this post doesnt get deleted. I posted it in the comments. Go
find it.
Edit (Again?): Holy crap! I made the front page. Mission. . . Accomplished.
/u/MarkKent360
Let a guy piss on me every fucking morning. . .
/u/wherethelightisnt
Im on reddit too much. . .
891
I sometimes spy with admiration;

Questions rousing contemplation,
And, to sate my avocation,
Read the thread in bliss:
Questions thoughtful; answers tweaking,

Scrutiny and care critiquing -
Then, of course, theres others seeking,
Colby, nachos; this.
So I read on, through threads fleeting;

But I am forever meeting,
Cumbox comments, yarns repeating. . .
Tales of cash for piss.
#164 If you woke up with $1,000,000,000,000 what would

you do with it?
2013-02-26 01:27:47
/u/Ukulele Henry
/u/skinnyguy34879
Pay o 1/17th of the US National Debt!

haha, jk, become Batman.
/u/Stray629
Ill go ahead and take Iron Man, dont want to hire someone to murder my parents.
892
I rubbed the lamp and out it shot,

Into the night and lit the dark;
The genie raised its head to me,
And clicked its fingers with a spark.
I oer just a single wish,

He spoke, and so I made a plan;
And seconds later I had said,
I only want to be batman!
Tis done, he said with swift reply,

And snapped his fingers round my head. . .
And it was freaking awesome til,
I found out that my folks were dead.
#163 What are some things that youre pretty damn sure
everyone does or has done but theyll never admit to doing?
2013-02-25 20:54:27
/u/Sepoohroth
/u/murrymalty
right?
Everyone pees in the shower. Right
/u/ANAL CUNT RAPER
Not usually but sometimes when Im pooping in the shower a little pee comes out.
The water steamed and streamed around,

And I - red-eyed and bubble crowned -
Peered through the fog to see the ground,
And bent to view what made the sound.
And there - as grim as might befit,

An Anal Cunt Raper a bit -
There sat a little tiny shit. . .
And I had put my foot in it.
893
#162 If the human race left natural selection do its work
and let those with disabilities/illnesses/injuries pass away
without trying to revive them, where would we be now?
2013-02-24 21:56:12
/u/confusedcuriousity
Assuming that over the years, where people who were born deaf/blind/deformed/mentally
or physically disabled/etc all die o because they are unfit to survive. . . would the human
race be better by now? would it be worse? whats your view on this?
Factors that could help play a part: income(non-genetic), disabilities(could be non-genetic
or genetic). . .
Note: I post this question not because I despise those who cant. I ask wonder about
this because of a recent surgery to fix a problem I was born with which put me in a lesser
position than the majority in the past + biology studies.
/u/oldman78
Wed be worse o and far poorer-organized.

Our ability as a species to be group-minded, altruistic and willing to care for our members
less able to care for themselves has been a huge advantage in our evolution and social
construction. The type of mindset it takes to care for someone who is a burden allows
the sort of planning and thinking that makes avoiding as-yet-unseen diculties possible.
i.e. there hasnt been a flood in my lifetime but wed better build the levee to avoid the
damage when there is one.
This might not even benefit me in my lifetime, but is good for the group as a whole, a
very similar type of thinking to caring for those who do not tangibly advance the fortunes
of the group.
Obviously we as humans fail every day in extending this type altruism as far as we should;
but were light years ahead of almost all other species in this respect and it has led to a
lot of our success.
/u/(deleted user)
A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never
sit in. Greek Proverb.
You know, its kinda nice to think,

That though weve come so far,
We do for others when we can. . .
Because thats who we are.
894
#161 What is your most embarrassing/shameful hook up
story?
2013-02-24 19:11:08
/u/Datbrowncake
Everybody has one. . . Everybody
/u/May-Ham
Ive never went to bed with an unattractive girl, but Ive woke up with some. That about
sums it up.
Her image left its mark on me -

A shaded beauty in the gloom;
She smiled a smile for me to see,
And so I walked across the room.
The alcohol was sweet; we laughed,

And bought a final for the road.
I praised my awesome flirting craft,
And spent the night at her abode.
And then - all over in a blur,

And dawn was crawling cross the bed.
I stretched and turned my head to her. . .
And wished to God that I was dead.
#160 Servers and restaurant managers of Reddit, what is

the most ridiculous or absurd reason for which a customer
has asked for a discount on his/her meal?
2013-02-21 23:26:42
/u/pastrynerd
/u/BrentMcClowd
Im a Best Buy manager now, so you have to give me the manager discount here. It
took 5 minutes of reassuring her that manager discounts only apply at places where you
work. She thought it was a secret club discount for upper division employees all over the
895
country.
EDIT: update to other posts; i work in a restaurant so it was somewhat extra disconcerting
when she demanded a discount when her job involves a completely dierent field of retail.
/u/MuppetHolocaust
It doesnt surprise me that a Best Buy manager would think that.
She winked at me from cross the desk,

And nodded just as though,
We shared a secret known to few,
And whispered, soft and low:
You see this badge? I looked at it,

(And sighed at my ordeal);
She said, Thats right: store manager. . .
Im kind of a big deal.
#159 What act of evil did you engage in that was disguised
as an act of kindness?
2013-02-20 22:10:18
/u/TheThreePandas
/u/pogopenis
Had a bully in high school (I had friends, but this one guy fucked with me) ands near the
end of the school year I held a large party and invited my bully as well. The day before I
masturbated several times into an ice tray and watered my sperm down and froze it into
icecubes. I gave my bully topshelf liquor drinks mixed with coke with fresh sperm cubes
every in drink. He never found out, but he was considerably nicer to me after that.
/u/red321red321
TL;DR I oered my bully the opportunity to swallow my cum and he happily obliged.
896
I oered him the alcohol -

The asshole of my class;
I watched him as he took a sip;
The ice clinked in the glass.
And when I asked, so what you think?

(Enamoured with my trick)
He answered, dude, that hits the spot;
Its nice. . . but kinda thick.
#158 Whats your own personal theory on why the pope

quit?
2013-02-19 16:34:29
/u/(deleted user)
/u/johnw1988
He didnt want to be pope anymore.
/u/Kijafa
Screw you guys, Im going home!
Pope Benedict XVI
The Pope awoke and donned his hat;

He went downstairs for brunch;
And while he munched some toast and poured,
A bowl of Capn Crunch,
He thought of all hed ever said,
And knew it time to quit. . .
Well that was kinda fun, I guess,
But what a load of shit.
897
#157 Whats the craziest thing you ever saw or did at a
party?
2013-02-18 18:24:03
/u/(deleted user)
Edit: Wow front page. Im sure this is what it feels like to get elected president, or
something. Thanks.
/u/slicebishybosh
May not be the craziest thing, but I still thought it was funny. There was this obnoxious,
not so attractive girl who used to love to be slutty and just randomly take her clothes o.
Trust me, it was really annoying. SO one night there was a bonfire in the back yard of
our usual party house. She got tanked, started removing her clothes. She had her pants
and panties around her ankles and was was just bending over in front of people.
And them bam, Sniper on the roof. My friend had a fully automatic airsoft gun and just
started unlaoding into her naked body from the second story window looking over the
back yard. It lasted about 10 seconds. Just short of being considered cruel in my opinion.
Needless to say, she never did it again. . .
/u/JustJelly
This story took an incredible 180 turn in the second paragraph.
Why I never let my guard down now :
I remember reading comments,

Through a thread dispersed;
Laughing at their carefree stories,
Innocent at first;
When I came across a memoir,
Of a midnight stroll;
Lovers meant to be together;
Two, with just one soul.
Then she went, the OP said,

And left me at the prom.
Grieving I wrote, whyd she go?
He said, I fucked her mom.
898
#156 Waiters/waitresses of Reddit, whats the most ter-
rible date you have waited on/witnessed?
2013-02-15 22:36:42
/u/scottiemsu
Was it a blind date from what you can tell? Did either person ditch early?Any of the
stereotypical Check, please things happen?
EDIT: So Im still really new to Reddit but thanks for making this front page. Yall are
great. Now how do I get my hands on this Reddit Gold and what does it mean?
/u/republicanredditor43
I believe it was a blind date, the girl said she needed to run out to her car to get her
purse. She didnt come back. The poor guy was nearly in tears.
Edit: If it makes you feel any better, the restaurant payed for the meal.
/u/ILL Show Myself Out
Maybe her purse was just REALLY far away.
/u/Kvothe24
She left it in her other car, and had to drive to that car to get it. Im sure this is it.
Oh what a lovely, wondrous night -

A moment to be seized!
Ill take her home to meet the folks;
My momll be so pleased.
Ill be back in a minute, kay?

My joy came uncontrolled. . .
But that was half an hour ago,
And dinners getting cold.
899
#155 Teachers and Professors, what is the most memo-
rable thing youve overheard your students talking about?
2013-02-15 15:59:34
/u/OptimusPrimeBatman
/u/Cw Ew
Teaching four year olds, their morning conversation went as follows;

Kid one: Four is just four, like four is not five
Kid two: Totally
/u/Philip Likes Penis1
Those four year olds were high as fuck.
/u/AngryB3ar
Math. Not even once.
He said, come on, dont be a square,

I told them you were cool.
Like, everybodys doing it;
Youll make me look a fool.
I nodded fast and tried to speak,

But barely made a sound;
He handed me the stu and smiled;
The others stood around.
Get to it man, he said and laughed,

Youll know just what to do,
And so I opened up the book,
And read whats 2 + 2?
900
#154 Fishermen of Reddit, What is the strangest thing
you have pulled out of the water?
2013-02-14 15:35:31
/u/A Friendly Hobbit
Edit As Valentines Day comes to a close, I must say I am honored to have shared this
day with my fellow Redditors on the front page. Thanks for helping me achieve my first
ever successful post.
/u/mediocre robot
My aunt once caught a small fish. What was strange was HOW she caught it. She reeled
it out of the water with the hook in its anus.
I remember softly swimming,

Round cool waters, lost in thought;
Watching insects lightly skimming,
Dreaming dreams that came to nought.
Then - a burning, spiked sensation!

Sharpened knives and shattered glass;
Help! I called to a crustacean,
As they dragged me by the ass.
#153 Throughout the course of history, which individual

do you feel was screwed over the worst?
2013-02-13 22:11:29
/u/cloudy sea
And why do you think that?

I havent even thought of my answer yet. The question popped in my head just now and
am curious to see what you all think.
PS Tesla doesnt count.
Thanks and Gigem.
Absolutely loving this discussion, friends.
901
/u/another guy montag
Alan Turing, and some (if not all) Vietnam vets.

Edit: Thanks for the reddit gold!
/u/Thompson S Sweetback
Theres limitless innocent people who did nothing to deserve the horrible things they
received, but if you take into account the positive impact a person had on all humanity
versus the thanks he got in return, Turings a front runner.
Its sometimes hard to just forgive,

The things done in the past.
Though reasoning dies with the age,
The act will always last.
An analyst and genius;

The smartest of his day.
But driven to an early grave. . .
And why?
For being gay.
#152 What are things your parents allowed you to do that

you would never let your kids do?
2013-02-13 16:24:51
/u/I Love McRibs
/u/I Love McRibs
When I was 19, two of my buddies and I planned a trip to go scuba diving in the Bahamas.
One of my buddies just got his pilots license about 6 months earlier. We rented a 4-seater
Cessna and flew over international waters. No backup piloting experience with me or the
other buddy.
Looking back, I cannot freakin believe my parents let me go. And Ill be damned if I
would ever let my kids take a trip like that.
EDIT: Yes, I was an adult at age 19. Maybe my maturity wasnt at that level. I was
in college, and lived under my parents roof, and they paid my expenses. Along with a
vacation or two until I got a real job. If they didnt fund my trip, I wouldnt have gone.
902
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/bootselectric
Until you crash and run into pirates
Golden sunlight washed the air plane,

As we flew across the blue;
Summer winds that sighed a warm rain,
Swirled and blew around us two.
Then, the crashing, wrenching slaughter;

Engines stopped and fowlers cropped;
So we sank towards the water,
Spinning topped and stony-dropped.
Liquid darkness, groaning galling,

Cut-o cheer replaced by fear,
As a voice came roughly calling. . .
Arr my dear, what have we here?
#151 If someone gave you the entirety of Wikipedia from

100 years in the future for only 10 minutes, what would you
read?
2013-02-12 12:46:38
/u/Sohailk
/u/MrNoodleman
See if they ever release half life 3
903
Who knows what the future holds,

Or what could ever be?
Time, like distant tides that swell,
To land from out the sea,
Carries endless promises,
And possibility.
And yet - if theres a single thing,

On which we can agree,
Its that, no matter where you go,
Youll likely never see. . .
Valve with Gaben at an expo,
Saying, Half Life 3!
#150 Truckers of Reddit, whats the craziest, scariest, or

most bizarre thing you have experienced on the road or at
a truck stop?
2013-02-11 21:17:30
/u/(deleted user)
EDIT: Glad I got so many responses, your stories have all been awesome. Its great to
see the amount of gold everyones getting
/u/dumbname2
Im not a trucker but a trucker did help my family out once, in a huge way.
My father wanted to do a baseball park roadtrip through the middle and eastern states of
the USA. He created a binder full of driving directions, hotel confirmations, ticket stubs,
city attractions and more; his binder was incredibly extensive.
We stopped at a truck stop for food and a bit of rest. While going through the trunk,
we placed the binder on the top of the car because were not putting it on the ground.
Unfortunately, we left it there, closed up the trunk/doors and went on our way forgetting
about the binder on the roof. Fifteen minutes later, my Dad says, Check the binder for
the next exit. I cant find the binder.
We freak out and proceed to take nearly three - four hours tracing our steps, but cannot
find the thing. We then spend the next three hours finding out a way to salvage the
trip (without the binder). All the ticket stubs are confirmed by the ballparks and hotels
confirmed via online.
Little did we know, a trucker spots the binder on the side of the road, pulls over, and
realizes what this is and what it means. He delays his route and calls everywhere looking
for us. After some time, he cant delay any longer but continues to check into each place
904
he called for the next three days attempting to contact us from the road. He left the
binder at the truck stop with the restaurant (only building there, besides a bad motel).
A woman working at the restaurant finally gets a hold of us and has the binder mailed
to our home with a note This seems like its a great trip. Sorry I couldnt get this to
you sooner. from the driver. My Dad laughs forever at this. That driver is forever the
nicest stranger.
TL;DR My family lost a binder containing a baseball park road trip worth thousands of
dollars. Trucker searches for us for over three days, even from the road, attempting to
return it to us. Faith in humanity restored.
EDIT: To add a bit of backstory - At the beginning of the trip (and much earlier) I
never really thought my Dad liked me very much. I was always resistant to whatever he
said and generally a stubborn punk. He cheated on my Mom and I hadnt really ever
forgave him for it, so you could say we had a strained father-son relationship for well over
a decade. When he proposed this trip, I thought it was his way of showing me he cared
more. Now, during the trip, I placed the binder on the roof of the car and left it there.
We drove away and it was techincally my fault for this. When we returned to the rest
stop, he literally wound up and punched me in the chest (he had never hit anyone in the
family before). I broke down at that point. I had, in my head, ruined the best chance I
had at good memories with my Dad. My Dad called my Step-Mom to inform her of the
news (this was before tracing every step for hours) and I was put on the phone. I told her
how I felt of my Dads relationship because thats all that was going through my head,
then my Dad gets back on the phone. As shes explaining what I just told her, I could
see the natural progression of his comprehension of my feelings and the situation as he
slowly met my eyes. He drops the phone and gives me the biggest hug Ive ever received.
We both cry like sobs and get our act together. We figure out this trip and continue on.
Later, we finally get contacted by our trucker friend and the binder is returned. My Dad
finds a picture he took of the binder on the roof. . . but didnt notice to take it o the
roof. He feels like a shit head and apologizes to me for days for hitting me and all that,
blah blah. My Dad and I become wicked close, as Im finally able to forgive him. . . us
finally talking about everything from the past decade, seeing him as a human and my
Dad, again. That trucker bringing the binder back allowed us really to laugh at all of
it. . . seeing as how we were both pretty stupid up to that point. You could say, that
trucker helped repair my awkward and almost broken relationship with my Dad. That is
why I will never forget the nicest stranger ever.
EDIT 2: Im happy to share, considering how much my story seemed to have hit people
in the feels. Thank you all for commenting, sharing some of your stories, and thank
you random Redditor for the Gold. This is my first one! To answer a few questions:
Yes, Im from New England, and my Dad currently lives in upstate New York.
No, Im not Mitt Romney. No, my name doesnt include Griswold.

We did continue on our trip and it was epic. We drove over 2,500 miles on that trip
visiting the NY Mets, Cleveland Indians, Toronto Blue Jays, Chicago White Sox,
Chicago Cubs, Milwaukee Brewers, and Detroit Tigers. We even got to catch three
games in one day. . . WS/Cubs/Brewers. We ended up enjoying that trip so much,
we did another one (Philly, Pittsburgh, DC, NYY, Baltimore).
The trucker had a dicult time catching up with us because we were on the move
905
so often. The hotels we stayed at were used for quick rest and a shower. Our idea
was to see cities and ballparks, not sleep. Plus, the hotels werent the nicest, nor
did they have the best concierge services.
I never watched the Goofy Movie, but I can see the resemblance. Ill get working
on my movie rights asap.
Its easy to be weary when,

Theres much to justify,
A bitter view of fellow man,
And heave a cynics sigh.
But sometimes when it seems like life,

Has come to claim the debt,
A stranger lends a helping hand. . .
And we never forget.
#149 Whats the one thing that you have learned to ap-
preciate most as you got older?
2013-02-11 19:43:34
/u/(deleted user)
Edited due to a mod request. Its still a pointless rule.
/u/Hubrishippo
Sleep
/u/KoalaYummies
I dont know who decided naptime is socially unacceptable after age 6, but rediscovering
afternoon snoozes was the most important thing I learned at college. Naps are fucking
magical.
906
Ive lived a life of new exploits,

And never shied away,
From seeking opportunities,
And chancing, come what may.
And yet, despite experience -

Adventures cross the map;
Ive found theres nothing quite as good,
As taking time to nap.
A lunch time snooze or forty winks;

A dreaming, dribbled doze. . .
Forget a life of awesome feats,
And give me one of those.
#148 Which films are much darker than they appear to

be?
2013-02-10 18:57:03
/u/Thedarkfallenone
Which films seem to have light-hearted meanings but have some very dark influences
going on?
/u/occasionallyacid
Wall-E. Its an incredibly dystopic outlook on humanity, although it does end well.
/u/AdvocateForLucifer
Anything by Pixar seems to have a lot of dark elements thrown in.
/u/HomEntertAnment
Theres a miscarriage within the first 3 minutes of Up. Heavy.
907
I went to see a kids movie,

And took my little boy.
My wife said pick something hell like -
A film that hell enjoy.
And so we chose a Pixar flick;

(A style that I regard,
Amongst the best in cinema). . .
And left it fucking scarred.
#147 What is the biggest mindfuck you have ever expe-

rienced?
2013-02-09 19:19:42
/u/(deleted user)
there fuck you too no edit to say thanks
/u/joeshmoe16
The time dierence between when Tyrannosaurus and Stegosaurus lived is greater than
the time dierence between Tyrannosaurus and now.
/u/majense77
Are you telling me that The Land Before Time was a lie?!
/u/coral225
What Spike and Ducky had was real dammit
/u/Exducer
Ducky. . . poor poor voice actor of ducky. . .
/u/SoverignPilot
No. STOP REDDIT!
908
So heres my time to interject,

To fend you from the grief. . .
Theres nothing wrong with Ducky folks!
But if you want relief. . .
Id stay away from google.
#146 Why are private toilet seats round and public ones
horseshoe shaped?
2013-02-08 23:01:46
/u/raabta01
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/fingerblast3r
The solution to the midget dick-smashing epidemic.
Theres not much on this Earth at all,

Specifically for those,
Judged smaller than an average man,
(Even on tippy-toes.)
Rare rhymes are made for little folks;

Inventions fewer still.
The worlds been built for taller dudes,
Though not through some ill will.
And so, I guess, its kinda good,

(Ill say it unabashed),
That should a toilet seat fall down,
Their dongle wont get smashed.
909
#145 What is something everyone should do before they
turn 30?
2013-02-07 22:06:56
/u/Darklyte
Edit: TURN 29!! HURR HURR YOURE SO UNIQUE AND FUNNY
/u/dlmcleo1
Turn 29. Otherwise its just weird.
If it was up to me, Id say,

That when it came to my birthday,
I wouldnt age another year -
Or better yet, that Id appear,
To grow a little younger still,
So that Id never go downhill -
And everyone who saw me out,
Would raise their voice in awe-struck shout,
And call: Oh sprog! You look so young!
And so Id wink, my spirits sprung,
And say with open, awesome cheer. . .
Just wait until this time next year!
#144 What was the moment you realized that some of

your friends werent really your friends?
2013-02-07 15:31:01
/u/vma
What behavior led you to realize this? How did you find a new friend group?
/u/Monkey socks
When she rolled her eyes every time I spoke and sent texts about me to other housemates
that she mistakenly sent to me. I still have to live with her til may. . .
910
Every time she rolls her eyes,

Or mocks you with a smile,
Take something she cares about,
And hide it for a while.
Think of it as petty tax,

To help before you crack. . .
Nothing on this Earths as good,
As getting your own back.
#143 If your dog or cat could talk for just one day, whats
the first question you would ask it?
2013-02-07 01:12:06
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Drew-
Why are you so afraid of the vacuum?
That haunted, howling, monstrous sound;

A rolling, rumbling, all around,
As though it rose from out the ground,
To frighten only me.
So it came on ever queerer,

Louder, closer, braying clearer,
Like a nightmare drawing nearer;
Gods, what could it be?
There! A black beast with a cable!

Fiendish foe I cant disable. . .
So I hide under a table,
Whimpering in pee.
911
#142 What are the best 10 seconds of your day?
2013-02-06 23:22:23
/u/LifelessPoo
/u/adrenaline junkie
When I wake up and my girlfriend is still asleep. I kiss her back and hold her before my
day starts. It always makes me remember how lucky I am and puts me in a good mood.
I know that it might seem clich -

Im sure that youd agree -
To say that I wish I could show,
Just what you mean to me.
I havent got a lot of cash;

Im not profuse in style;
But still, Id give up everything,
To see you with a smile.
And though Ive nothing more for you,

Than me - Im yours to keep. . .
So long as I can still wake up,
And kiss you in your sleep.
#141 Which impending technologies are you NOT looking

forward to and why?
2013-02-05 23:10:24
/u/(deleted user)
/u/(deleted user)
Mind-reading technology.
Theyll lock me up for sure.
912
So what you find? an agent said,
The other sighed and shook his head;
He rubbed his eyes and said, forlorn. . .
Same again Fred; boobs and porn.
#140 How would you normally tell somebody theyve

overstayed their welcome?
2013-02-04 20:21:46
/u/Warlord0mega
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
I watched him crush the Oreo,
Between his hands a while;
He sprinkled it towards the door,
Then stood up with a smile.
And when he motioned me to lead,
The crumby, crumbled way. . .
I said, Alright, Ill fucking leave;
You only had to say.
913
#139 If you were a serial killer, what would your gimmick
be?
2013-02-02 21:10:22
/u/IamMyBrain
I should probably establish what a gimmick is. . .

Basically its something you would do every time you do the deed whether you do it
before you kill them (call them on their cellphones), during the killing (how you kill them),
or after the victim is dead (slicing o skin with hair on it).
A gimmick could also be that you target unique individuals (Immigrants, widows over
the age of 65, even other serial killers)
Edit: I dont want to hear anyone saying they wouldnt have a gimmick so the cops
cant catch them. Cut loose and let your imagination run wild god damn it!
Edit 2 - REVENGE OF EDIT: DEXTER IS A VERY GOOD SHOW. I ENJOY IT
QUITE A LOT. YOU CAN STOP IT WITH THE REFERENCES NOW.
Edit 3 - SON OF EDIT: YOU ARE ALL HORRIBLE AND SICK PEOPLE AND I
LOVE YOU FOR THAT.
Edit 4 - EDIT RESURRECTION: My inbox is full of depraved things. . . Im starting to
regret asking. . . .
Edit 5 - EDIT RESOLUTION: HAHAHAHAHA CEREAL! THATS FUNNY!
GET IT?! BECAUSE CEREAL IS SERIAL HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Edit 6 - EDIT REAWAKENING: Whelp, congrats you crazy shlumps. #1 on r/askreddit.
Go. . . us? Honestly I cant keep up anymore with there being THOUSANDS of com-
ments.
Edit 7 - EDIT (The Reboot): Alright my nasty peeps, it seems we are sliding o the page
to make way for new blood. I would just like to thank all yall for your participation in
this little mind tickling excercise. I would recommend therapy for a good portion of you,
but I feel that would be a waste of time since Ive read shit that could make up at least
4 seasons of bones/ CSI/ Law and order. Thanks again.
-Iammybrain
914
A note to the police: My friends,

I see you found it then.
How do you like the gift I left?
So good to write again.
The next youll find beneath the earth,

Where all men go to rest:
Its buried deep in recent soil,
All turned in grief and blessed.
Youll find it there in crimson red;

A message sent in rhyme.
Well speak again, dear boys in blue,
And so. . . until next time.
#138 If you had $100 million, what would be the first

thing you did?
2013-02-02 11:56:23
/u/Maxboyy
wtf would u do?!
915
Id buy a boat and sail the seas;

Id jet o round the Earth.
Id check my balance every day,
To see what I was worth.
Id live a life of luxury;

Id hit the open road;
Id get myself a fleet of cars,
Or buy any abode.
Id build a mansion with a pool;

Cos what else could I do?
Id feed a lion, pet a bear,
And pick an island too.
And then Id start a company,

Or put it all in stock;
Id head on down to New York and,
Id buy myself a block.
And yeah, I know theres more to life,

Im sure Id hear you sigh,
Money cant buy you happiness. . .
But Id sure like to try.
#137 To the doctors, nurses, police, paramedics etc. of

Reddit. Did you ever hear a death bed confession and what
was it? Did you feel like it brought relief to the person
confessing?
2013-02-01 00:52:35
/u/twistedeye
Edit: Thanks so much for sharing all of your stories. They have been amazing, heart-
warming, funny, scary and everything in between. I cant tell you how awesome my
mailbox is right now getting to go right to the stories. Ive been reading them o and on
for hours now. Youre awesome Reddit.
/u/ghettokhan
Im a medical student and during one of the rotations this one drunk guy was brought in
after he fell on some ice. He thought he was going to die and he kept telling his son that
he sucked a cock once. It was hilarious.
916
Come closer, son, my father said;
The tears ran down my face.
To me hed been eternal life;
All love and hope and grace.
I leaned in near to hear his words;
His breath was coming quick;
I spoke: Im here, what is it dad?
He said. . . I sucked a dick.
#136 Just saw Harry & Hagrid at the bus!

2013-01-31 22:31:12
/u/Inphobiuz1
[Link]
http://i.imgur.com/g3DvmO2.jpg
917
A knock came pounding on the door;
I looked up from the dust.
My Uncle Vernon sat up straight,
And watched it with mistrust.
And then the door exploded wide,
And in stepped Hagrid, tall;
He told me what I really was. . .
My place amongst it all.
And when we went to leave for good,
(Despite my uncles buts,)
He said wed have to take the bus,
Cos Hogwarts making cuts.
#135 What did you just learn that you should have known
10 years ago?
2013-01-30 23:08:18
/u/FaithNoMoar
/u/FaithNoMoar
My buddy (in his 30s) just learned what a conjugal visit is after telling his mother they
should have one.
918
My mother put her lipstick on;
She wore her favourite skirt;
I watched her take her perfume out,
And spray a single squirt.
Since dad had died five years ago,
Id rarely seen her date;
Yet here she was, and looking nice;
She said, Ill be back late.
So dont wait up? I answered back,
Intrigued, I will admit. . .
She said your brother called me for,
A conjugal visit.
Incidentally, after this poem last week, I promised a collection.

If anyone wants to read it, here it is.
#134 What basic skill did you learn too late in life?
2013-01-28 17:06:35
/u/pour7me7another
/u/CranberryNapalm
The importance of both foreplay and money management.
/u/mydogjustdied
At the same time?
919
/u/bootselectric
Hookers can have that eect
Hey baby, how about a night,
Of loving for a fee?
She said, whilst leaning through my car,
And looking right at me.
Alright, said I, in quick reply,
Get in; we drove away.
I took her to my hotel room;
We started with foreplay.
But then, about a minute in,
I felt a little lost. . .
I couldnt work out what to do,
Or calculate the cost.
#133 What weird theories did you have as a child that

make absolutely no sense now that youre older?
2013-01-26 00:35:06
/u/emabearrr
edit: this is going to take me forever and nine days to go through, didnt think this would
get so popular so quick, But I promise, I will go through and read everyone, thanks for
all the laughs :P
edit someone has created a subreddit: Continue there! /r/childtheories
/u/spurnd
That parents have an unlimited supply of money, but they wont share it with you to buy
toys and stu
920
When I was young I always thought,
(Despite what they had said),
My parents kept their wealth from me,
To buy them things instead.
Whats more, thought I, with deep disgust,
It never brought them joy;
And all I wanted on this Earth,
Was a Buzz Lightyear toy.
And then I grew and realised,
It pains to me admit,
That as a kid I really was,
A selfish little shit.
#132 Reddits NOVELTY accounts: how do you know

when its your time to appear - do you just browse or
search?
2013-01-24 22:31:33
/u/(deleted user)
I am curious how does the KFC something guy know that KFC is being mentioned or
how does the WildSketch guy know hes being summoned?
Do you guys set up google alerts or vigorously search for particular mentions or is mostly
accidental that you stumble upon a thread/comment that requires your participation?
Thanks in advance,
A guy waiting for somebody from Toronto complaining about his IT guy ;)
/u/GallonOfLube
The real trick is picking a novelty account that can slide right in to any situation, no
matter how slippery it is.
921
When times are tight and nothing seems,
To make it feel okay,
May I suggest GallonOfLube,
To send you on your way?
For when this life just seems too rough;
When every days a grind;
You know youve got a friend in him,
To help you from behind.
#131 people with a history of depression, what was the

most positive thing someone said to you while you were low?
2013-01-23 14:59:44
/u/explodingbarrels
a counterpoint to [this thread] (http://redd.it/173b4q) which highlights the worst

things people have said. Im curious what you found to be the most posi-
tive/motivating/supportive ways of responding to finding out that you were depressed.
update: tons of comments and awesome stories. Im really glad to read that so many
people have had moments or people or realizations that helped them along the way. and
its even better when someone else seems to be reading this at the right time for them.
/u/i fap faps
Watching Stephen Frys interview about his Bipolar Disorder he describes the feelings as
like a storm. When theres a storm out you cant go out, you cant pretend its sunny
and you cant pretend that you can carry on as normal. You have to accept that there
IS a storm. But like a storm, it passes.
922
When theres a wind that blows and sighs,
And clouds that seem to stay,
Forever looming in the sky,
To quell the brightest day;
I close the door against the rain,
Against the dark and more. . .
And wait for it to pass again,
Just like it did before.
#130 Men of Reddit: Whats something you find annoying

about being male?
2013-01-22 23:32:27
/u/SparroHawc
/u/FreeSoloing
The pain of getting hit in the junk
923
Id take a bullet to the chest;
Id cut o my own arm;
Id rather any punishment,
To keep them both from harm.
Id file down each and every nail,
Until I reached the quick;
Id take a running leap at walls,
Or eat a persons sick.
Id feed a lion in its den;
Id jump o water falls. . .
Yes, Id do anything to stop,
A hard knock to the balls.
#129 What fascinates you most about the universe?

2013-01-22 20:50:59
/u/bleedingheartsurgery
/u/Danielziege
its size
/u/NachoAverageChip
Whats more fascinating, given that knowledge, I still feel important in some way.
924
Despite Ill never understand,
The universes size,
Or that Im baed by the distance,
Of the stars in skies;
And even though, if I could walk,
The space between the black,
Id find myself alone and lost,
And never make it back;
Ive always felt, and always will,
That though, to some degree,
I may be insignificant. . .
Theres only one of me.
#128 Why do you play video games?

2013-01-21 20:36:31
/u/(deleted user)
Basically is there a deeper meaning to your video game play?
/u/MONKEY RAPIST
Its like reading a book. It tells a story and its interactive
925
I walked the streets of Rome at dusk,
And watched the sun descend;
I saw the stars that shone on Xen;
I witnessed empires end.
I saw a city deep beneath,
An endless, empty sea.
I swung the master sword on fields,
And grieved the Deku tree.
I fought a dragon in the snow;
I built a world of blocks. . .
Tonight I think Ill view the Vaults,
Then pick a few closed locks.
#127 What is something you never you never realized

about yourself until someone pointed it out?
2013-01-20 19:11:10
/u/procom49
/u/Icerobin
All the scars on my arms make me look like a cutter. In reality, I just have cats that cant
tell the dierence between playing and fighting.
926
The other children looked at me,
My problem widely known;
They saw the scarring on my arms,
And I felt so alone.
And when I neared them in the yard,
Theyd turn their backs to chat;
And then Id whisper quietly,
But Ive just got a cat. . .
#126 If you could view an HD video of any single event

in the history of the earth, what would you watch?
2013-01-18 23:27:57
/u/Memeori
/u/phdoofus
Dinosaurs + meteor.
927
If I could see just one event,
Through all of history,
I know which one Id choose to view;
Which time means most to me.
Id see that moment when the Earth,
Would change forever more;
Id watch the meteor end for good,
The Age of Dinosaur.
Id stand upon the edge of space,
And see whole species fall;
Reflecting on the swift return,
Of life to Natures call.
Yes, thats the place Id choose for sure,
To watch the whole world turn. . .
But mostly Id pick that time cos,
I like to see stu burn.
#125 What is the most annoying part of your day?

2013-01-18 17:58:39
/u/GrizzlyBearrr
/u/CloneSix
8:30pm is when my cat gets wet food. He has to for health reasons get wet food once
a day. Obviously he fucking loves it, so he likes to start at 7:00pm and do a constant
stream of meows until 8:30.
Once I fed him at 7 to try and quiet him up but the next day he began meowing at around
6.
928
/u/xSGAx
. . . aaand this is why Ill never own a cat (this, and allergies)
I dont give a shit, bring my downvotes
I sometimes wonder on this site,
If people realise,
Cats are nothing more than psycho-
Bastards in disguise.
Theyll charm you with a loving purr,
Or fool you with their grace. . .
And then, soon as you look away,
Theyll claw o half your face.
#124 Whats a conspiracy theory or urban legend that

you secretly wish were true?
2013-01-17 22:42:03
/u/yattoyatto
/u/Smoothesuede
Roswell/Area 51.
/u/Spermburger
I just want to know what goes on there.
929
I shall tell you, if they let me -
Once upon a midnight dreary,

Whilst I pondered late, eyes bleary,
There I came up with a theory,
Of a world at war:
Aliens of evil races,
Seeking battle cross the spaces,
Came upon a thousand places,
Where they might explore.
(Taking worlds from native folks,
But leaving nothing more).
Faced with pure annihilation,

Some poor thing from some lost nation,
Left its home to dead stagnation,
Seeking stars of lore.
Decades later, left and stranded,
Flying solo, single-handed,
Engines failing, it crash-landed,
On some foreign shore.
(And surviving somehow still,
Opened up the door.)
Thus I thought, my theory seeming,

Nothing more than drunken dreaming,
Looking up into a teeming,
Night of stars galore.
Then as though by clear commanding,
Came a sudden thought-expanding,
Truth explaining understanding:
CENSORED, NOTHING MORE.
#123 Ladies and Gentlemen of Reddit, what is one fool-

proof flirting tip?
2013-01-14 01:40:50
/u/(deleted user)
930
/u/(deleted user)
The key is to start masturbating furiously so she knows you might be interested.
I met her in the restaurant;
Our table pre-arranged.
We said hello and settled down,
Our pleasantries exchanged.
Then half-way through the crme brle,
I turned her face to me;
She said, Im havin- OH MY GOD!
I fapped furiously.
#122 Flight attendants of Reddit, what is the weirdest

thing a passenger has ever asked of you?
2013-01-14 00:53:15
/u/css123
/u/(deleted user)
My mom is currently a flight attendant. Shes told me some really crazy stories over the
years. These are my favorite:
Once, a man walked onto her flight with a gigantic teddy bear. He had apparently bought
a ticket just so the teddy bear could sit next to him. He buckled the teddy bear in, but
down the bears tray table, and then ordered the teddy a beer.
Another time, a guy on her flight got a bloody nose and was using a tampon to plug it
up. EDIT: Im sorry. I didnt know this was a legitimate technique.
931
When I was young I had a friend,

Of seven, just like me.
Wed play at fighter-pilot games,
And pirates lost at sea.
Wed dream of travelling the Earth,

And swimming down the Nile;
Of crossing plains and forests deep;
Of walking every mile.
And though we grew (though not apart),

He always stayed my friend;
In stories friendships last for good. . .
But all good things must end.
For minds stay young but men grow old,

And pass before their fill;
And still, I carry all our dreams,
To take me where they will.
Ill see all of the world for him;

Ill travel anywhere.
A ticket each - just one for me;
And him - a teddy bear.
#121 What secret are you keeping that is ruining your

life?
2013-01-11 16:32:46
/u/nonfunctional
What secret are you keeping that is ruining your life?
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
932
In life, sometimes a question needs,
An elegant reply;
A careful reasoned eloquence,
To please a readers eye.
And then we need anothers point,
To balance out the first;
And so we find a hundred views,
Throughout the thread dispersed. . .
Yet sometimes theres a comment here,
That simply ends the thread:
Cos when your sister is your wife,
I think enoughs been said.
#120 What is an experience you wish you could have, but

never will?
2013-01-10 20:41:22
/u/(deleted user)
/u/LeWhisp
Going into space. Or even better; walking on another planet / moon.
/u/(deleted user)
I agree. I mean, technically speaking it IS possible, but feasibility of it happening for

people such as ourselves is ludicrous. Its disheartening to know we live in a time that is
too late to explore unknown areas of earth, but too early to explore the universe.
933
Sometimes looking up I spy,
A vast and endless raven sky,
With billowed clouds that wander by,
On midnight winds that heave and sigh.
And in the stars I see our fate,
But curse that we should have to wait;
The Earth unknown; weve come too late.
And space? Too early to be great.
#119 What is your favorite motivational saying?

2013-01-09 21:56:22
/u/starmine
/u/Phase Spaced
Dude, sucking at something is the 1st step towards being sorta good a something - Jake
the Dog, Adventure Time
Ive always said to all my friends,
And all my family;
Sure, you suck at that right now,
But think how it could be!
For if you practice day and night,
(And were I you, I would),
Youre sure to find before too long,
Youll soon be. . . kinda good.
934
#118 What is one thing you wish you knew about sex
before having it for the first time? (Possibly NSFW)
2013-01-09 13:10:28
/u/Ko0Ko0
/u/Glutenfreebacon
Its nothing like porn
The context set; my parents out;
And I - sixteen and free;
My time had come (and so would I);
I waited patiently.
Id called them up an hour ago,
The moment almost here;
I checked myself once over as,
The sound of steps drew near.
I heard a knock, and then a voice,
Call pizza; nothing more.
I limbered up and set my pose,
Then threw open the door.
And there I stood, from head to toe,
As naked as could be. . .
And then, too late, I realised,
That porn had lied to me.
935
#117 Parents, can you tell if your child is ugly? If so, how
did you deal with it?
2013-01-06 11:49:21
/u/EmotionalMillionaire
Well this got out of hand real quick.

Maybe I should have been more specific. Im not necessarily talking about baby-age. I
was more looking at parents who have kids that are near puberty/adult. Perhaps child
was not the best choice of words. Then again, English is not my first language.
Quite the lack of actual parents posting though! So I am assuming that no, you cant.
/u/the ghost in me
fact: Ugly children grow up to be hot adults.

source: Senior baby pictures in every yearbook
fact: Adorable children often grow up to be awkward looking.
source: child actors
When I was younger mother said,
No babe, youre not ugly;
And Ill love you, for always true,
No matter what will be.
She said, all of those people who,
Youre jealous of in class -
Their looks wont last forever and,
Your time will come to pass.
And so I grew up with the dream,
Resisting lifes strong pull. . .
And yet Im fucking ugly and,
Theyre all still beautiful.
936
#116 Celebrity Stunt Doubles
2013-01-04 23:11:59
/u/aorlandu
[Link]
/u/GratuitousLatin
Huh Shia LaBeoufs stunt double is better looking than him.

And I dont know why but that Hagrid/Harry picture made me laugh way too hard.
/u/holyerthanthou
he had to have a stunt double ride in a sidecar for him?
/u/(deleted user)
Maybe they couldnt use Radclie because it was too late or some child labor issue.
/u/raging mad
Or he was too drunk
937
Oh how the mighty fall, they say,
And I remember when,
My hero slipped down in disgrace,
And never rose again.
They caught him on his broomstick as,
He flew across the sky;
A BAC of point two-nine,
And charged with FUI.
#115 How do I tactfully tell my wife I dont want to do

it doggy-style with her because her butt stinks? (no need
to upvote)
2013-01-04 00:54:27
/u/stankybuttssssss
/u/npoetsch
OK, why did you marry a woman who you are afraid to tell to take a shower? Im getting
married and we both tell each other if we are stinky casually. Its not that big of a deal. I
really cant fathom why people struggle telling their SO something when youre supposed
to be comfortable spending the rest of your life with this person. Learn to communicate
and just tell her to take a shower.
/u/CUNT DESTROYER 3000
Its amazing how many AskReddit questions can be solved just by communicating with
the other person.
938
Remember when you said to me,
So then, what can I do,
To make sure that Im always full,
Of sex appeal for you?
And I said nothing darling, dear,
Theres no one in your class. . .
Well actually, Ive changed my mind;
You need to scrub your ass.
#114 My dog passed away two years ago. He hid his

favorite toy before he went and I couldnt find it anywhere.
Found it this morning and it has turned into a beautiful
memorial. Big manly tears were shed.
2013-01-03 20:14:48
/u/amsterdaam
[Link]
/u/Lard Baron
My dog story:
My father lived alone, So for one Christmas I decided to buy him a little dog, something
to look after and to love, take for walks and get a bit of exercise.
939
I got a shih tzu, they are good companion dogs and it was the only suitable breed the pet
shop had. Before Christmas I toilet trained the little thing, first getting him to do his
biz on newspapers then moving the papers to the door then outside. He got the message
eventually. When he had an accident hed hide under the bed in shame and have to be
coaxed out.
He was the perfect gift, my dad wasnt parted from the dog till his death, 14 years later.
I inherited the now elderly dog.
I was a bit resentful, I had a young family and enough problems, but the little dog got
under my skin and became my favourite member of the house. Always pleased to see me,
jumping up and running in circles when I walked in the door from work, always happy.
As he aged he wouldnt be able to rush up to greet me, and had to be carried up and
down the stairs, all he could do is push his head into me. the last night he lost the use of
his back legs. It was time to let him go. I let him sleep on the bed with me that night.
next morning I couldnt find him. What broke my heart is hed dragged himself o the
bed in the night to do his biz on a old newspaper Id casually discarded on the floor, but
didnt quite make it and left a puddle. . . then just like all those years ago, he crawled
under the bed in shame and there he died.
If only Id woken up and told him not to worry.
A pic of him on his last day.
/u/akamustacherides
First tears of 2013.
940
I lived a life of walks and games;
Of balls and bones and more;
Of sleeping curled up by his feet;
Of greetings by the door.
And then, a little older now;
Though happy as can be,
I fell in love a second time;
Another family.
And then one night, I wandered down,
(After a life sublime),
But couldnt get back up again. . .
And knew that it was time.
And so I went to settle down,
To rest my weary head;
I listened to his breathing deep,
Beneath my masters bed.
#113 What live animal would make the best melee weapon?
2013-01-03 16:25:21
/u/(deleted user)
To clarify a few points: 1) This has nothing to do with the deadliness of the animal
itself, but rather its potential to be picked up and weaponized by a human. So while,
say, a bear might triumph in natures arena, its far too large and unwieldy for human
use. 2) The question is regarding animals which are alive more so than living, and
Im going to assume were all capable of time-travel, so extinct things (shoutout to mah
boy Lonely George) are perfectly fair game, if youre dumb enough to think things like
dodos or pterydactyls would make eective combat tools. 3) This applies strictly in a
melee weapon sense, so while you may think that unleashing a swarm of killer bees is a
great answer, truth is youre just being a smartass. However, if you want to stab someone
with a killer bee, thats your prerogative; please take it to the comments. 4) The animals
941
in question are awake and aware theyre being used to bludgeon/whip/bash/whatever
your opponent and will respond accordingly, so while you may initially think that your
toucan nunchucks are a good idea, think of how a toucan would react to being strung
together with another toucan and swung at an enemys face. 5) Two or more animals
may absolutely be used in conjunction.
My initial inclination would be that the most pragmatic would be some kind of garden
snake garrote, but I dont think it would be nearly as much fun as wildly swinging a
flamingo club while wielding a snapping turtle shield.
Oh yeah, and PLEASE JUSTIFY YOUR ANSWERS.
/u/ecclectic
A myotonic goat.
Theyre not that large, they have small horns, and when stressed their muscles seize up,
so you wouldnt have to worry about how theyll react.
Today whilst walking home from work,
(Through pathways quite remote),
A mugger leaped out from the dark,
And hit me with a goat.
#112 Women of Reddit. What are some of the basics of

sex that most men seem to get wrong?
2013-01-02 00:54:19
/u/JimmyNuggets
And what tips do you have for improving? =)
/u/sylvastarr
I cant believe this is my first reddit comment but here goes:
1) Cut your damn nails.

2) I cant be in charge of the foreplay all the time.
3) Or all of the kissing.
4) Or all of the anything DO SOMETHING TOO dammit.
942
Number (1)
Heres one thing to keep in mind,
To satisfy demands -
No one likes their privates touched,
By Edward Scissorhands.
#111 This Girl has No Clue

2013-01-01 22:34:07
/u/blkdoutstang
[Link]
/u/Capitan Amazing
There are so many things wrong with this that I have to assume that this was a joke.
/u/InaccurateStatistics
Its all Obamas fault.
943
/u/Sabrewolf
Thanks Obama
Before he was the President,
I used to own a farm;
An acres lovely land or more;
A place of rustic charm.
Passed down through all my family,
I used to tend the land;
But then the taxes went right up,
And I could not withstand.
I sold my familys home for good;
I put my life on halt.
Of course, I live in England but,
Its still Obamas fault.
#110 What do you most regret about school?

2013-01-01 02:15:58
/u/subzerostig
/u/ChewableTitanium
Rejecting the hottest girl in my class. If only my balls had dropped sooner.
944
I sometimes lay there late at night,
When wrapped up warm in bed,
And thoughts of all that might have been,
Meander through my head.
Regrets, mistakes, and memories,
All play a thousand times;
A hundred old remembrances,
Some lost, forgotten rhymes.
But most of all, I think about,
The no that came from me. . .
And oh, for how I wish back then,
That Id hit puberty.
#109 I got a kick out of my friends dad making fun of

him on Facebook
2013-01-01 02:00:00
945
/u/JPLV
[Link]
/u/3aTroop
This should become popular, then there could be a subreddit called /r/WhoWoreItBetter
.
/u/burningshadowsx
Then we need a /r/gonewild variant with milfs and call it /r/whowhoreditbetter
Theme song:
Come on milfs and daughters too,
Weve a task or two for you!
A competition, one to win,
For tall or short or fat or thin!
Dressed to best, in fancy clothes,
And each to strike a sexy pose!
Corsets, panties, open sweater;
Youre to judge - Who Whored it Better?
946
#108 Last chemotherapy today. Posting while Im still
here, and that smile hasnt left my face. Beyond happy.
2012-12-31 18:57:38
/u/vertecadence
[Link]
/u/cheddarben
God dammit. . . . kick that mother fucking cancer right in the cancer ball sack!
947
I rarely ever see the need,
When writing in a thread,
To use a litany of swears,
Where words will do instead.
But sometimes - times like this, in fact,
When language seems to lack -
Ill always upvote freely talk,
Of kicking cancers sack.
So fuck o cancer, go to hell;
Get bent, get fucked; be blunt.
Kick that bastard in the nuts,
And beat that fucking cunt.
#107 [ModPost] Happy Christmas!

2012-12-24 15:59:44
/u/CowJam
We, the AskReddit moderators, would like to wish you all a happy Christmas (or what-
ever midwinter festival youre celebrating, or happy December if youre not celebrating
anything)!
AskReddit is a huge and brilliant subreddit and it wouldnt be the same without you.
Thank you for making it what it is, and we hope your holidays are lovely.
The AskReddit Mod Team
P.S. We know this post breaks the rules. We dont care.
/u/Hoger
> P.S. We know this post breaks the rules. We dont care.
P.S. We know this post breaks the rules. Think we care?
Seriously - thanks for the hard work. Its a great subreddit. Merry Christmas all.
948
Merry Christmas to you too!
Twas the night before Christmas,

And all through this site,
Nothing was stirring,
Though minds were alight,
With the dreams of the joys,
That tomorrow would bring;
The brightly wrapped presents,
All tied up with string.
And the girls of gonewild,

With their ribbons and bows,
Forwent taking photos,
Up-close, with dildos.
They left o their pictures,
Of [m]ale/[f]emale blow;
They hung up their stockings,
And thought of the snow.
And the Atheists looked,

On their Facebooks with glee,
For comments of faith,
And God-gaiety.
And when they saw Christ-mas;
Not Xmas at all!
They each sighed content,
For they heard Reddits call.
And the gamers of Reddit,

Each with their PCs,
Playstations, X-boxes,
Nintendo Wiis;
They dreamt of their presents,
So patiently;
The best Gaben oered,
(Except Half-Life 3).
And our stoners all slept,

And thought, happily,
Of the first merry sight,
Of the days Christmas tree.
And there! O.A.G,
With that smile slowly forming;
Her gift chloroformed,
And wrapped up for morning.
And so, every redditor, 949

Home and away,
In their sleep, sighed a sigh,
At the bells on a sleigh.
So my message to you,
And to yours from this site;
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all, a good night!
#106 [ModPost] Happy Christmas!
2012-12-24 16:06:19
/u/CowJam
We, the AskReddit moderators, would like to wish you all a happy Christmas (or what-
ever midwinter festival youre celebrating, or happy December if youre not celebrating
anything)!
AskReddit is a huge and brilliant subreddit and it wouldnt be the same without you.
Thank you for making it what it is, and we hope your holidays are lovely.
The AskReddit Mod Team
P.S. We know this post breaks the rules. We dont care.
/u/Hoger
> P.S. We know this post breaks the rules. We dont care.
P.S. We know this post breaks the rules. Think we care?
Seriously - thanks for the hard work. Its a great subreddit. Merry Christmas all.
Merry Christmas to you too!
Twas the night before Christmas,

And all through this site,
Nothing was stirring,
Though minds were alight,
With the dreams of the joys,
That tomorrow would bring;
The brightly wrapped presents,
All tied up with string.
And the girls of gonewild,
With their ribbons and bows,
Forwent taking photos,
Up-close, with dildos.
They left o their pictures,
Of [m]ale/[f]emale blow;
They hung up their stockings,
And thought of the snow.
And the Atheists looked,
On their Facebooks with glee,
For comments of faith,
And God-gaiety.
And when they saw Christ-mas;
Not Xmas at all!
They each sighed content,
950
For they heard Reddits call.
And the gamers of Reddit,
Each with their PCs,
Playstations, X-boxes,
Nintendo Wiis;
They dreamt of their presents,
So patiently;
The best Gaben oered,
(Except Half-Life 3).
And our stoners all slept,
And thought, happily,
Of the first merry sight,
Of the days Christmas tree.
And there! O.A.G,
With that smile slowly forming;
Her gift chloroformed,
And wrapped up for morning.
And so, every redditor,
Home and away,
In their sleep, sighed a sigh,
At the bells on a sleigh.
So my message to you,
And to yours from this site;
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all, a good night!
/u/BeastMcBeastly
Too bad poems dont have TL;DR
TL;DR: Read the damn poem.
#105 Just in case reddit......

2012-12-20 20:24:35
/u/TheSandyRavage
[Link]
951
/u/(deleted user)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0Z5zebyVrI
I love you guys/girls/whatever. Thanks for the sibling wrestling, the jolly ranchers, and
POLITE ALL CAPS GUY. I will miss seeing pictures of your cat, your karma whoring,
your fucked up injuries, and your terrible forced memes.
Now, if youll excuse me, Im finally going to go outside.
If we should wake tomorrow on,
Humanitys last day;
I oer my confession here;
Some final words to say. . .
Cats are kinda evil;
Engineers are lame.
Christians arent all that bad;
Nicklebacks the same.
#104 The woman who lives here is almost 100 years old.
2012-12-17 19:22:10
952
/u/ockerus
[Link]
/u/brezzz
I would take these threats seriously. She did not live to be 100 by being extraordinarily
weak.
They say she lived a century,
On nothing but her axe;
Youd trace her life through battle scars,
Through time, and candle-wax.
The criminals and underworld,
All fear her like the night;
Youd pass her home without a glance,
And run for nearest light.
Her names been whispered on the wind;
Theres nothing more scares me;
Youd know her as the ward of death;
They call her. . . Rosemary.
953
#103 Whats the one lie youve told most often in your
life?
2012-12-14 00:49:33
/u/dingobiscuits
/u/(deleted user)
I love you, too.
Its not I swear shes just a friend.
Its not, no, you look good.
Its not just kidding, no oence.
Its not I understood.
Its not you havent changed a bit.
Its not Ill write to you. . .
But how I really wish it were,
Instead of love you too.
#102 How I feel after my girlfriend of five years breaks

up with me and says Lets just be friends
2012-12-09 18:59:58
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
having your dog die is way worse than losing your bitch
954
/u/Viviparous
Girl in the pic has stubble only on right side of chin.

5/10 would not beard.
Dont speak too hasty, my young friend -
Youve got it wrong, you see;
A womans just a girl without,
A beard, to some degree.
For if youve never felt the scratch,
Of whiskers on your face;
Then oh! For how youre missing out,
On mankinds master race!
A loving tickle, soft caress;
A touch so hairy that. . .
No, hang on. Wait a minute now;
Im talking bout my cat.
#101 Reddit, what is an impressive skill or talent youve

developed as a result of laziness?
2012-12-08 20:28:25
/u/Gephorian
/u/BCtoPEI
Carry in ALL the grocery bags. God be damned if I lose a finger due to no circulation.
/u/oogew
Everything in one go is a god damn religious mantra for me. My wife doesnt feel the
same way.
955
I felt an aching, burning strain,
But whispered just ignore the pain -
It just exists inside your brain;
My wife said, fuck it. Youre insane.
I laughed (but wheezed), and tried to smile;
She shook her head, and muttered Ill,
Head back on home and wait awhile.
I made my sweaty way in style.
And when I reached our kitchen door,
(An hour later, maybe more),
I gave a mighty, manly roar. . .
Its just a shame that no one saw.
#100 If you could observe, but not influence, one event

in history, what would it be?
2012-12-04 23:45:19
/u/Kevick
Your buddy has been calling himself a Mad Scientist for about a month now. Finally,
he invites you over to see what he has been building. It is a device that allows you to
observe, but not influence, any time in history.
These are the rules for the device: - It can only work for about an hour once per week. -
It can fast forward or rewind. - It can be locked on a location or it can zoom in and
follow an individual.
So, what would you observe, given the chance?
edit Fixed Typo*
/u/bubbleuj
The first Atomic Bomb exploding.

It was the end result of centuries of physics and chemistry.
And also explosions.
956
If I could go to one event,
Through all of time amassed,
I know which one Id choose to pick -
A moment, unsurpassed:
When all of human progress reached,
A terrifying height;
In finding and creation came,
An omen of our plight.
And Id reflect on life in light,
As though from burning suns. . .
But most of all, Id love it cos,
I just like explosions.
#99 Never Forget

2012-12-03 23:46:15
/u/conman 127
[Link]
957
/u/blakphyre
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JY4Iz0w42qU
/u/BrodyApproves
On behalf of the lazy, thank you.
I always feel a wholesome love,
When commenters supply,
A source for info posted here. . .
So I dont have to try.
#98 Her preferred method of birth control is 100% eec-

tive!
2012-12-03 11:58:34
/u/Z4KJ0N3S
[Link]
/u/thetom1337
id like the story to continue with her and the nurse. . .
958
Today whilst wandering on this site,
And feeling quite forlorn;
I read a comment stopped too soon,
And hoped so hard for porn.
But no - it wasnt meant to be;
I sighed, and thought with woe:
Well, better fire up Google Chrome,
In mode incognito.
#97 Reddit, have you ever responded to (or posted) a

casual encounters type ad on Craigslist or elsewhere? If
so, what happened? Did you meet someone? How did it go?
What advice or cautions would you oer? Possibly NSFW
2012-12-02 21:10:42
/u/(deleted user)
/u/lethargicwalrus
This one time . . . I responded to a casual encounter ad on craigslist, and the person
didnt show up.
959
Ah look! A rare, unheard of thing;
A simple, neer-seen sight -
An honest comment in a thread,
Amidst the motley trite.
And how to spot them? Heres a hint,
To help you find their kind:
Just look for anti-climax and,
A bitter past behind.
#96 When a guy tries to hit on me with, I like a girl

with meat on her bones, I hear, I think youre fat, but
Im desperate. What other compliments really come o
insulting?
2012-11-30 21:36:10
/u/Carrix2
Now, guys, I get where youre coming from! I think curvy is sexier too! But when trying
to pick up a girl, DO NOT mention her weight!!
To reitterate, I understand the sentiment and agree. But its the WAY its said and the
situation (pick up line vs. a significant other).
EDIT: TIL: If you call someone out for acting like an ass, they defend themselves by
calling you fat, insecure and too easily oended. Bottom line, guys (and girls) be nice
and not degrading. :-)
/u/cynikalAhole99
Did it occur to you that he may not be referencing your size for dating purposes - but
the fact that perhaps he really intends to BBQ and eat you?
960
I caught his gaze across the bar;
He smiled and tipped his drink;
I oered up a little wave;
He answered with a wink.
He walked around the bar to me,
And said, Hey, howd you do?
You know I could just eat you up. . .
No, really. Ill eat you.
#95 When pub sta T-shirts go wrong.

2012-11-30 13:20:27
/u/SkullduggeryUK
[Link]
/u/Rlphyg
Abandon hope all ye who enter here, for there is not a good comment in sight.
You have been warned.
Edit: Jaysus youre all lovely people, and to the reddit gold people,
961
I stumble sometimes late at night,
Upon a thread like so;
Where every comment seems to be,
The product of minds slow.
And in my ears, as though across,
A thousand years, long-scorned:
Abandon hope who enter here,
I say; ye have been warned.
#94 After 5 long years, my wife and I have finally paid

o the $25k in credit card debt we accumulated before we
got married. Reddit, what seemingly impossible tasks have
you conquered lately?
2012-11-26 23:13:05
/u/maxforest
We were both fortunate to both have jobs throughout the recession, even getting better
jobs twice. We havent taken many vacations, we dont live in luxury, and both our cars
have over 100,000 miles, but we are finally free of credit card debt less than 6 months
before our first child is born.
/u/Monsterposter
I didnt commit suicide a few days ago, that was fucking dicult.
A poem for you, Monsterposter:
Life towers far above me,

A trident in his hand;
I sweep my eyes to left and right,
962
Survey this sunken land.
The shadows cling to everything,

The light clasped in a clot;
And all that I hold beautiful,
Is wrought and caught in rot.
It wasnt always like this though

I still remember times,
When Life had forged a place for me,
Amidst its tender rhymes.
But now the night has fallen fast;

And all my dice are cast;
I stand before its mighty gaze,
And know I cannot last.
Its trident slowly lowers down;

It points below to me;
In ancient tones, eternal voice,
It speaks: Now bend your knee.
And in Its breath, I feel the weight,

Of all that I can see;
Crescendos of existence,
Slowly bearing down on me.
I cannot take it anymore;

I stand, to no avail;
It seems as though, at last, Ive stepped,
Beyond the nether-veil.
But no.
I am not done here yet.
I raise my head, and blaze.
Life retreats away from me;
It trembles at my gaze.
And all the mystics of Its world,

The centaur, grin, elf,
They gather round for my reply;
I say. . . go fuck yourself.
His weapon breaks; it falls to Earth;

The shadows slip away;
The sun climbs high and frees the light,
To shine on the new day.
963
Life may try to break me;
To bend at its command;
But I am made to live and last,
And to the night, withstand.
I hope the will to keep going lasts and lasts. All the best.
#93 In Thomas the Tank Engine, the Island of Sodor

probably has the worst accident record and safety regula-
tions ever. What reality based ideas have have you applied
to childrens shows?
2012-11-26 20:51:19
/u/orangek1tty
Used to babysit a friends kid who would watch the hell out of these shows. But every
single episode seems to end up with a train just going o the tracks and fucking up the
delivery. Its a wonder that anything gets done on the Island of Sodor and the only ones
probably making any money is the clean up services.
/u/gangnam style
Every Pokemon ever would have died a terrible death.
964
To the tune of the Pokemon theme song:
I want to live, just like the rest,

But no one ever does.
Surviving Ash is my real test;
If only just because. . .
I would travel across the land,

Searching for my kin;
Id rescue them as theyre oppressed,
I know where Id begin:
Pokemon! (Gotta free them all) Ill set you free;

You know its our right to be;
Pokemon! Oh, Ill make this end,
And the world wont comprehend.
Pokemon! (Gotta free them all) I will save you,

Our vengeance will see us through;
Just do what I tell you to,
Pokemon! (Gotta free them all) Gotta free them all.
Edit: yes, this was indeed sponsored by PETA (Pokemon for Emancipation
in Total for All). A worthy, though fictional, cause.
#92 *Modpost* - Personal Information and You: Why

Zero Tolerance Keeps us all Safer.
2012-11-25 23:21:04
/u/(deleted user)
965
If suddenly you feel the need,
To post your date of birth,
Your name or address, school or work,
Remember what its worth:
The internets a crazy place,
And though most on this site,
Are pretty awesome on the whole,
Theres some not so alright.
You might annoy a cannibal,
Who steals your kids to roast.
Im sure theres only one or two. . .
But think before you post.
#91 Wanna dance?

2012-11-25 19:08:22
/u/PictureHelper
[Link]
/u/Spikan
In my version of this, the girl would just say no, and then Id slink away.
I saw her cross the dance floor,
And I thought, well, this is it,
Its time to step up like a man,
And charm her with my wit.
966
Id crack a joke and make her laugh;
Seduce her with my smile.
And then Id whisper head on back,
To my place for a while?
Wed date each other for a time,
And then Id meet her dad;
Hed love me - and hed say Im like,
The son he never had.
And when we moved to our own place,
(and joined our banks, who knows?),
Id get down on one knee, and then,
In Paris, Id propose.
And so, I walked towards her;
She turned her face to me;
I veered left and cursed at my,
Crippling anxiety.
#90 I just watched a random girl on the bus pull a new

book out of her bag, open it, smush it up against her face,
inhale deeply and smile before starting to read. What acts
of random weirdness from strangers make you smile, Red-
dit?
2012-11-23 18:44:23
/u/Rogahar
I totally get why she did it though; new book smell is awesome.
EDIT: Seriously, stop posting this isnt weird, s OP. I do not think its weird, but in
the traditional social norm, that kind of action would be considered weird. I too embrace
967
weirdness at every opportunity, as I see no reason to be like every other suit-and-tie-
wearing drone that passes me on the street or comes into the shop I work at. If you cant
be just a little weird every day, then youve already given up.
/u/JamesGray
Old book smell is even better. The way certain compounds used in the production of
books degrade actually mean it has a sort of character unique to the age and production
methods of each specific book.
It sat there on the bookshelf,
And I saw it cross the room;
A tattered yellowed paperback,
Half-hidden in the gloom.
I took if o and paid the due;
A dollar, nothing more;
I brought it home, and went upstairs,
And closed the bedroom door.
And while I lay back on the bed,
I opened up its spine;
I breathed in deep and sensed the smell,
Of countless lives in mine.
For in my hands, a hundred minds,
A hundred dreams or more;
Had left a hope on every page,
The words would answer for.
968
#89 I am depressed and I cant remember the last time
I had a good day. Today, though, it seemed like everything
fell into place. It was awesome and I feel amazing :) Reddit,
what was the best day in your life?
2012-11-22 17:39:39
/u/Lube For Lunch
School was actually nice for the first time, the weather was great, I played with a puppy,
smoked the best cigarette ever, the sun was low but bright, I could see the moon in the
sky and I happened to run into my ex girlfriend, which doesnt really seem like a positive
thing though, but we had a good talk and I was happy to see her again. I dont know..
everything together was great :)
Edit: I really want to thank everyone for their stories. Its nice to remember the happy
times in our lives and read about the best moments in someone elses.
Edit 2: Self post. No karma. I aint even mad.
/u/(deleted user)
Log this day down, take a couple of pictures of the things that make you happy and
squirrel them away to bring out on the dark days
Sometimes theres a moment when,
The stars seem to align;
When everything that once was wrong,
Seems to turn out fine.
On those days, take the memories,
And carry them away:
Bear them out when night-time comes,
And sun goes down on day.
For when its dark and hard to hope,
When nothing looks alright,
A memory can break the dusk,
And bring forgotten light.
969
#88 Ive never sang in the shower using a shampoo bottle
as a microphone. Reddit, what are some things that are
common in most movies/TV that youve never done?
2012-11-20 21:34:00
/u/(deleted user)
/u/orangesundae
After hearing something banging from the basement, I dont go and investigate.
I wake from sleep. A rising creep,
Comes crawling through my skin.
I softly shake, now wide awake,
And feel a fear within.
Below, it pounds; familiar sounds,
Come laughing up the stairs;
I sit up straight; my heart a weight,
That takes me unawares.
In waking dream, I hear it scream;
I know I should go look;
But I suppose youve seen the shows,
So do I? Do I fuck.
#87 Sooo...
2012-11-20 15:48:07
970
/u/i am sad
[Link]
/u/darkknightlives
http://i.imgur.com/xQkIA.png
Daddy taught me awesome stu,
Like how to run real well;
He taught me how to wash my fur,
Or bring down a gazelle.
I used to love it when I brought,
My best friends home from school;
Wed play outside and watch tv;
Theyd think my dad was cool.
Except one day when Timmy came;
He had a nasty cough.
He startled daddy sneezing,
So he tore his face right o.
971
#86 You can bring back any actor/musician who died
young. Who do you pick, and why?
2012-11-19 22:52:34
/u/Luscious MachineGun
Ill start. Hendrix. And John Bonham, so that Led Zeppelin could have continued on in
their amazing-ness.
/u/Late Night Grumbler
Freddie Mercury.
If I could bring one artist back,
I know who it would be;
A man famed for his overbite,
To sing a rhapsody.
A good old fashioned lover-boy,
Long stopped before his due;
He bit the dust whilst breaking free,
But all the while, rocked you.
And though Id do it in a flash,
And say, now whatsoever,
The show must go on, hed reply,
Who wants to live forever?
972
#85 Years ago I went to the movies on a blind date, during
which I summoned the courage to go in for a kiss. At first it
was great, but then she threw up in my mouth and all over
me. I hadnt seen or spoken to her since, until today when
she was my waitress. So Reddit, any recent awkwardness
to report?
2012-11-19 00:15:13
/u/(deleted user)
/u/dingobiscuits
I hope you said: well, that was definitely better than the last meal you served me. . .
You know, Ive thought about you,
Since the night that we first met;
You left me with a memory,
Of an eve I cant forget.
So no need for the menu;
Ive made my mind up quick.
Id like to skip the starter,
And head straight for the sick.
#84 McKayla Maroney visits the White House... her

picture with the President
2012-11-17 17:19:12
/u/dwerb99
[Link]
973
/u/Blahblahing
As a non-American, I think USA has the coolest president ever.
Stoltenberg can fuck right o;

Hollande can go to hell;
Merkel needs to go get bent;
And Monti can as well.
Im sick of seeing Thorning-Schmidt;
Ive had it with Gillard;
And as for David Cameron - well,
Id love to punch him hard.
Not one of them is any good!
But thats enough of drama.
Face it, no ones quite as cool,
As President Obama.
/u/(deleted user)
Mate, how do you even come up with these ?
/u/easy explanation
Marijuana.
When I find Im stuck for rhyme;
When lines just dont ring true;
When nothing comes cept empty verse,
No matter what I do:
I take a minute, breathe in deep,
Then let my mind flow free;
For nothing in this world inspires,
As well as THC.
974
#83 McKayla Maroney visits the White House... her
picture with the President
2012-11-17 14:51:55
/u/dwerb99
[Link]
/u/Blahblahing
As a non-American, I think USA has the coolest president ever.
Stoltenberg can fuck right o;
Hollande can go to hell;
Merkel needs to go get bent;
And Monti can as well.
Im sick of seeing Thorning-Schmidt;
Ive had it with Gillard;
And as for David Cameron - well,
Id love to punch him hard.
Not one of them is any good!
But thats enough of drama.
Face it, no ones quite as cool,
As President Obama.
#82 If you were the last person on Earth, what would you
do and why?
2012-11-17 14:27:40
/u/cool boy
975
/u/KamelReds
I would honestly probably kill myself.
At first I thought Id pilot planes,
Or drive a car out west;
Id live in mansions, steeped in gold,
And walk out, never dressed.
Id take whatever I should need,
And never be afraid;
No loathed responsibilities;
No bills too long delayed.
But then - I thought - in dark of night,
When winds would blow too cold;
Id dream of all Id lost in gain,
With no one left to hold.
And when, in time, the winds returned,
Theyd whisper what to do;
Id step out in the winter night,
But never see it through.
#81 My mom can fold fitted sheets into perfect squares.

I still cant figure out how. Reddit, what are some things
your moms do that amaze you?
2012-11-16 21:00:35
/u/superbob 92
976
/u/(deleted user)
Mine twice passed a human skull through her vagina.
Mother passed two human skulls,
Ketosabe said and smiled.
Funny though, to tell the truth,
As Im an only child.
#80 Lets play a game of never have I ever. So reddit,

what have you never done?
2012-11-15 23:31:23
/u/Firebellyed Fig
Upvote what you have done to see who is the grand winner of not havering life experiences.
Edit: you fuckers are exploding my inbox. Thanks !
Edit2: wow front page( I have to put that bullshit right?)
Edit 3: Ive been playing and upvoteing accordingly every comment and:
TIL reddit hasnt watched a lot of starwars/ Harry potter/ classic movies, had sex, been
to Boston in the fall or seen the ocean or had mc dees, drunk soda or died
/u/(deleted user)
Ive never eaten bacon. There, I said it.
/u/LoverOfBacon
I. . . I. . . I dont even have any words. . . Just tears :(
977
I have heard a million tales,
Of broken homes and hearts;
A hundred songs of absent love,
Across a thousand parts.
Ive heard the moans of dying winds,
And walked on ancient sands;
Ive seen the final sun go down,
On empty, endless lands.
But still, Ive never shed a tear,
Nor thought myself forsaken;
Until, that is, I heard that you,
Had never eaten bacon.
#79 What is something unrealistic that you often see in

movies that annoys the hell out of you?
2012-11-14 15:14:26
/u/LWdkw
For me, its hacking. I dont even mind the criminals hacking into the pentagon to
turn on Obamas garden sprinklers if that adds to the story (even though unrealistic).
However, they always have these matrix like visualisations of text and images all over the
screen that change to quick to be seen.
Hell, drawing images to the computer screen takes computing time. Precious computing
time that could be used on cracking that secret password a little quicker! The worst is if
they do some image database search (like comparing finger prints). There is absolutely
no good reason to actually show the image they are comparing this millisecond to the
user, and there are very good reasons not too >.<. No self-respecting programmer would
waste precious computing time on showing something to the user too quick for the user
to see. Let alone those uber-whizz-kid-leet-hackers that they always seem to be in the
movies.
TL;DR: please just show a progress bar instead of flashing text and images when visual-
ising hackers.
978
/u/Searingm1
nobody ever poops
Between the mists and fallen trees,
In times long past and far;
Out comes a jedi to a boy,
On ancient Dagobah.
He says try not. Do, or do not.
There is no try, and sighs.
Aeons past and worlds long lost,
Reflect in aged eyes.
The boy replies, Ill get my ship,
And then rejoin my group!
I will unlearn what I have learned. . .
But first I gotta poop.
#78 Alright weve discovered what all Men of Reddit do,

now Women of Reddit what are some things you are sure
all women do or have done? Possibly Nsfw
2012-11-13 17:54:24
/u/simplybrowsing
for me its being extra horny in the morning when you wake up and have to pee. im sure
its happen to you all at least once.
/u/ChalkedUp
Smelled and or tasted whats going on down there once Im turned on.
I would never ask a person to pleasure me if it was terribly gross-but, I rather like the
way I taste. Im sweet.
Edit: Mebif= me if
979
/u/Creepy PM
Sent.
If youre feeling just as though,
You couldnt really get more low;
As though reflecting back at you,
Is someone that will never do;
Or that youre just not meant to be,
Desired or longed for, full of glee -
Dont worry! Theres a guy out there,
Who wants to sni your underwear;
Hed love to see your feet, or ask,
If, for him, youd wear a basque;
He really is the best of them;
His name? Our friend, Creepy PM.
#77 Alright weve discovered what all Men of Reddit do,

now Women of Reddit what are some things you are sure
all women do or have done? Possibly Nsfw
2012-11-13 17:22:32
/u/simplybrowsing
for me its being extra horny in the morning when you wake up and have to pee. im sure
its happen to you all at least once.
/u/OnceYouGoJack
reject me :(
980
I know it never means much,
When a stranger simply says:
Confidence is key,
In oh so many ways.
But carry on in courage;
Go forth; dont wave goodbye;
For if you never spread your wings,
Youll never learn to fly.
My friend, dont fear rejection,
(For fears insidious);
Youre bound to meet a girl for you. . .
Unless youre hideous.
#76 Comment Man

2012-11-12 21:08:14
/u/drewtoothpaste
[Link]
/u/drewtoothpaste
I drew this, its from my site Toothpaste For Dinner
981
The theme for Comment-man (to the tune of Underdog):
Theres no need to fear! Comment-man is here!
When commenters on this site appear,

And quote the rules that give them cheer,
And bother all who see and hear,
A sigh goes up both far and near,
For Comment-man! Comment-man!
Comment-man! Comment-man!
Speed of smug; so condescending;

Knowledge seeming never-ending;
Comment-man. Comment-man!
When on this site some comments read,

Of greater wit, and soon proceed,
To tell you what it is you need,
To right your wrongs with blinding speed,
Comes Comment-man! Comment-man!
Comment-man! Comment-man!
Speed of smug; so condescending;

Knowledge seeming never-ending;
Comment-man. Comment-man!
#75 Hey Reddit, how do i keep my balls from smelling?

(NSFW)
2012-11-11 20:29:50
/u/TreyONE
Whenever I work-out or sweat my balls start to smell really bad, is there anything that
I can do besides not working out to fix this?
/u/ForgotMyPasswordDude
Shower regularly?
982
Hygiene doesnt have to hurt,
It really isnt hard;
Its not like chopping o an arm,
And shouldnt leave you scarred.
For if youre getting little whis,
From somewhere down below,
Dont despair! Its not all lost;
It neednt cause you woe.
Heres my advice - some simple thoughts,
To confidence empower;
Every now and then, my friend,
Take a fucking shower.
#74 If you could see a list of people who have fapped to

you, would you want to see it?
2012-11-09 23:01:44
/u/INFECTION67
/u/(deleted user)
Absolutely. Although I can imagine Id regret it as soon as I saw it.
Yep.
I saw the list and hoped for names,
To charm the little mister.
But no; it wasnt meant to be -
The first one said: your sister.
983
/u/Mr Skeleton
I saw the list and hoped the names,

would charm me like no other.
the list proclaimed: your mother.
I saw the list and thought the names,

At best, were not so bad.
Until I saw it tucked away -
The sixth one said: your dad.
/u/Mr Skeleton

would never set my mind agog.
Until i saw the last one there -
It strangely said your dog.
Great minds think alike:
Would please this clueless sprog;
But no, it wasnt meant to be
The first said: THIS IS DOG.

2012-11-09 22:55:29
/u/INFECTION67
/u/(deleted user)
984
Yep.
/u/Mr Skeleton

would charm me like no other.
the list proclaimed: your mother.
At best, were not so bad.
Until I saw it tucked away -
The sixth one said: your dad.

2012-11-09 22:44:30
/u/INFECTION67
/u/(deleted user)
985
Yep.
#71 Yo Reddit, what was your children imagination based

game? Ill go first.
2012-11-09 14:10:23
/u/(deleted user)
Me and my two brothers, one was a half brother, were very repressed as children. We
could do anything we wanted but with an abusive mom we dared not to do anything.
We played a game of heroes were we were each a hero with a base element as a power;
fire, water/ice, and electricity. With a virginities intact we played it well through to the
age of my 17th birthday (I am the youngest). As it progressed, and through excessive
amounts of cartoons, our powers became multiple and more complex; control of metal,
summoning of spirits, transformation, etc. We dubbed this game powers.
All through these years, from about 9-17 for me, we were bounced around foster houses
and boys homes due to the child protection system and lack of supportive foster parents
in Detroit, Michigan. Now, as a 20 year old college student, I write stories about our
adventures into our imagination as powers children.
TL;DR: I acted like a super here for 50% of my life already.
Lightening forks from finger-tips;
I raise them to the sky;
My brothers, heroes in the dark,
Both echo my war-cry:
One with fire, one with ice,
And each; a brave ally.
We fly out to the Mountain-King,
986
Whos castle is a clock;
Driven mad by one rogue tick,
That should have been a tock;
And on his mighty wooden doors,
I raise my fist and knock.
The door, it opens slowly,
The Mountain-King steps out;
He holds his hammer far above,
To heave a powered clout;
But we prepare for battle and,
The night shakes at our shout.
As thunder drums like horses hooves,
And crackles overhead. . .
A voice shouts from the darkness;
A voice I hear with dread;
We three stop, our dream-world gone,
The voice screams, get to bed!
We hurry to it, changing fast,
Then pull our covers near;
We each wait for the sound of steps,
In dreadful, quiet fear;
But nothing comes; the monsters gone,
And never does appear.
And so, time passes; we each grow;
And years will fade the stain;
But still, I think of mountain-kings,
987
And battles fought in rain;
For though our dreams will age with us,
The memories remain.
#70 Ancient Buddhist city of Mes Aynak will be de-

stroyed, turned into an open pit copper mine
2012-11-08 11:31:06
/u/PLEBEIAN TYRANNY
[Link]
/u/not a Habsburg
>We have only discovered the tip of the iceberg, a mere 10% of the site, says French
specialist Philippe Marquis, who believes this could easily be a thirty-year excavation
project. . . .
>The site is known to contain coins, glass and tools for making these, going back thou-
sands of years. Archaeologists have also unearthed manuscripts in scroll form that may
provide evidence of the presence of Alexander the Greats troops.
Im going to have a little cry now.
988
For all our great discoveries;
Through all of time across;
Each great find seeks counterpart,
In vast and countless loss.
The human tales a sad one,
For midst the great progress,
A thousand wonders slip away;
To mans strife, acquiesce.
And so another marvel falls;
A sight of what we were;
A vestige of our narrative,
Lost to our future.
#69 My sister and her boyfriend are staying the weekend

at my house while Im away and now Im panicking about
everything they could find. What are some things in your
house you would never want a guest to find?
2012-11-06 01:58:37
/u/carleihar
/u/(deleted user)
My porn, my condom stash, and worst of all. . . my My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
videos.
989
I wont care about the drugs,
And I dont mind the knives;
They can find my videos,
Of middle-aged housewives.
I wont fret if they should spot,
The tissues I discard;
Or if they spy in their short stay,
The mass-grave in the yard.
They can meet my ageing pimp,
(A sordid chap named Tony). . .
But Id leave the country,
If they found out Im a brony.
#68 Just doing as Ive been told.

2012-11-03 11:59:42
/u/aaronaqua1
[Link]
/u/LainaOAG
I made the mistake of taking some of your negative comments on posts about me to heart.
I should have just ignored them - its not always that easy, though.
Sorry for such an immature reaction. I love Reddit. You guys helped so much with my
Dare to Share video (and obviously the original video). You are all awesome and Im glad
I discovered Reddit. Even though it is far, far too addicting. . .
/u/theriv
Great. Now she has a crush on Reddit.
990
/u/WazWaz
The rest of us arent OA to reddit at all.
/u/aryon984
I can quit any time I want!

Any..
Time. . . .
Ill quit today, I swear I will,
Ill see this promise through;
Reddits just a site, you know;
Ive other things to do.
Besides, Ive looked at everything,
And, between me and you,
Im really sick and tired of- shit!
That links fucking blue!
Oh man, a picture of a cat!
Jackpot! Im gonna borrow,
That gif there for Facebook. . .
And quit Reddit tomorrow.
#67 While Dressed as Batman on Halloween, I asked

Harley Quinn on a date. Both of us agreed not to reveal
our real names or faces. The date is in 4 hours. How can I
make this memorable?
2012-11-02 22:11:27
/u/readcommentbackwards
991
/u/Syncharmony
Sneak up behind her

Throw bag over her head then knock her out
Stu her in the back of your bat mobile
Bring her in and tie her to a chair in a room with no window and the lights out so
its pitch black
When she wakes up, scream at her in Batmans voice asking her where the bomb is
and where the Joker is hiding
Write a note explaining how you are the hero your hometown deserves and leave it
on the floor
Call the cops and leave her sitting there
Thatll teach her to mess with the motherfuckin Batman.
You can sing this while you do it (to the tune of Marry You by Bruno Mars):
Its a beautiful night, Im looking for something dumb to do,

Hey baby, I think Im gonna murder you.
Is it the blood in my eyes,
Or is it this batman suit?
Who cares baby? I think Im gonna murder you.
Well Ill spot you cross the bar,

Do some flirting from afar,
And then smile,
And all the while,
Youre done for, girl.
Then Ill get you really drunk,
And Ill stu you in my trunk,
And well go,
Youll scream no,
So much fun, girl.
Dont scream no, no, no, no, no,

Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
And really rub that lotion in,
Then youre ready, like Im ready!
Cause its a beautiful night,

Im looking for something dumb to do,
992
Then well drive out to the lake,
And Ill make sure youre awake,
When I cut,
Sip up that glut,
Of your blood, girl.
And youll kick me in my shin,
Slip your ropes and then begin,
To run away,
But not today,
Out of luck, girl.
Dont scream no, no, no, no, no,

Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
And Ill chase you till its done
Then youre ready, like Im ready!
Cause its a beautiful night,

Im looking for something dumb to do,
And so, adieu,

Wont find you now baby,
They wont find you now baby, baby, oh.
Its a beautiful night. . .
(Fade)
#66 What are your stories of petty revenge?

2012-11-02 01:24:11
/u/RumbutterMcSquash
Someone made the subreddit r/pettyrevenge for me recently so tell me your stories of
passive aggression, pranks, and all around pettiness.
/u/WIENER POOP
My brother pissed me o when we were kids so I urinated into the toilet and stuck his
toothbrush in there.
993
Ive some advice to satiate,
A thirst for quick revenge;
A good retaliation tip,
To all your wrongs avenge.
Though some will say forgive, forget;
Thats simply not for me.
When others say revenge is sweet,
Id say its savoury.
For theres a taste that never leaves;
A flavour one cant miss;
The sapid savoured zestiness,
Of salted toothbrush piss.
#65 Murder... murder... murder... snuggle.

2012-11-01 14:33:29
/u/Cumam
[Link]
/u/Stubbo
>Actually, this is not a cats murder pose. Instead, the cat just wanted to play with the
baby, as it would play with a wool ball, another cat or a dead mouse. Youll note that
if a cat poses like this and actually strikes, you often not feel the nails or only get slight
scratches from them, as the cat will not close its paw upon hitting you. Alhough if you
react to its play in an agressive manner, that will change. Seeing as how the baby is in
no way aggressive or threatening, the cat chose to snuggle instead.
>Source: I have 2 cats. I know, Im so special!
Hell if you are going to copy a previous post them im copying a previous top comment!
994
If you find your karmas down,
Or if its simply lacking;
Newest comments staying low,
No matter what theyre packing:
Dont you worry - fear not,
Heres a tip for most:
Simply quick search though the site,
And find a cat: repost.
#64 Overly Attached Zombie Girlfriend

2012-11-01 13:34:25
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
/u/scarface910
If she sucked on my penis I would cum instantly.

Edit: who knew being direct would get you somewhere
995
/u/MinisterOfTheDog
How poetic.
Hows this instead?
Few souls in life could match your wit,
Your style, or your grace;
Far fewer still could ever craft,
The beauty of your face.
Your presence lifts me like a wind,
That gently blows and sighs;
A timeless, perfect moment cross,
A thousand star-swept skies.
But most of all, and all of most,
Is that, my dear, to me;
If you sucked on my penis, well,
Id cum instantly.
#63 Reddit, what happened at the wildest party youve

ever attended?
2012-10-30 10:30:31
/u/Ser Sloth the Slow
/u/BananaButtCheeks
On Winter break from college one of my friends had a huge party while his parents were
out of town. Almost everyone was out back in their dope ass backyard. I get wasted and
head inside with a girl to hook up. Check a bathroom, find my best friend with a chick
leaned over with both hands on the counter as he goes to town. I tell him sweet dick
and we high five.
I move into the master bathroom and see two of my friends on each end of a big tub.
996
Weird. As I walk by I notice a girl inside the tub on all fours with a dick in each end of
her. I ask if theres room for one more. They dont respond. Too focused.
Eventually find my way to a baller bedroom. Throw chick on the bed and try to lay down
some dope foreplay. I get to work. My tongue is like the tail of a rattlesnake and Im
lighting this girl UP. Shes ready to fuck. We start going at it and moving around when
I hear a weird noise that sounds like something motorized. Im thinking damn she had
to pull out a vibrator? Way to go, puny dick. I start thrusting harder. Man vs. machine
type of vie now. Then I hear loud cheers and clapping. I look up and the fuckers parents
have remote controlled curtains which are opening to a backyard full of people.
I roll o of her quickly and pull the covers over both of us. Everyone had heard the ruckus
and gathered by the window. The girl says just keep fucking me Damn whered I find
this hoe? I slide back in and go to town. I am showered with cheers and applause and
I definitely saw a bunch of cell phones. Luckily I was drunk and began showboating by
gesturing to the crowd to make some noise and even hit them with the Hulk Hogan hand
to the ear. I am definitely somewhere on the internet having sex but I havent found the
video yet. But when I do, Ima jerk to that.
Alas the doom of being drunk,
Is that, despite your thoughts,
Of awesome stylish conquest;
Of willing hot consorts;
Reality knows otherwise;
The video will show,
A fuzzy captured thrust-fest,
And a clumsy drunken blow.
#62 Reddit, what freaks you out when you think too much
about it?
2012-10-28 08:43:44
/u/(deleted user)
Sometimes I freak myself out thinking of all the ways I could have died during the course
of the day. A jerk of the steering wheel could have sent me flying into oncoming trac.
Or I could have tripped while carrying a knife and stabbed myself in the neck. Anyone
else do this?
997
/u/LucasSatie
Im a little freaked out by what will happen to me when I die. Especially as a non-religious
person.
Sometimes I hope in dark of night,
When all my thoughts explore,
The consequence of death,
That when I die, theres more.
Not God, per se, but something;
Something of my core;
Something to preserve my self;
Something Id die for.
But then aright in light of day,
When thoughts the night will bring,
Are far away and long forgot,
In death, I hope nothing.
The moral of this story,
Though short and told too quick;
Is all in all, the human mind,
Is just a total dick.
998
#61 TIL Coolio wrote a book called Cookin With Coo-
lio including the chapters SaladEatin Bitches, Appetiz-
ers for That Ass, and Its Hard Out Here for a Shrimp.
2012-10-19 10:29:24
/u/gripleg
[Link]
/u/Purdaddy
Someone watched Jeopardy tonight.
/u/gripleg
Yep! This was the best thing I learned during that 1/2 hour.
To the tune of gangstas paradise:
As I think of myself as the worlds greatest chef,

I take a look at the clock and realise theres not much left;
The cake Im devisings been rising so long that,
Even my momma thinks that I cant bake scone.
But I aint never blanched a side then didnt serve it,

Me be treated like a cook you know thats unheard of;
You better watch how youre heating, or how youre treating,
Or you and your homies gonna drop that fork.
I hate to fry a chip, but I got to show,

As I grow I can whip-up fries or gateaux, fool,
Im the kind of sous-chef all the homies want to be like,
On my knees in the night saying prayers in the fridge-light.
Been spending most our lives,

Making crme brle or spanish rice. . .
Edit: continued.
. . . Been spending most our lives,

Making crme brle or Spanish rice.
They got me making pastry, but not too hasty,

Yeah, I live to fillet, I was raised by the tripe,
So I gotta be down with choux-pastry creams,
999
Too much cooking-programmes-watching got me chasing dreams.
Im an educated fool with honey on my mind,

Got my slice in my hand, and some cream in my eye,
Im a cooked-out culinary, a baking-fairy,
And my homies is down, so dont arouse my hunger, fool.
Dinner aint nothing but a minute away,

Im adding spice, stew or fry, what can I say?
200 degrees, will it reach 2-0-1,
Well, the way that its rising I dont know.
Tell me why are we, so blind to see,

That the ones we feed, are you and me?

Making crme brle or spanish rice. . .
Edit: continued again.

Making crme brle or spanish rice.
Flour and the honey, honey and the flour,

Minute after minute, hour after hour,
Everyones cream-bunning, but half of them aint looking,
Whats going on in the kitchen, theyre missing what Im cooking.
They say I gotta bake, but nobodys here to teach me,

If theyre not gonna eat it, how can they reach me?
I guess they cant, I guess they wont,
My cooking blows, thats why I know my life is out of luck, fool.

Making crme brle or spanish rice,
Making crme brle or spanish rice.
Tell me why are we, so blind to see,

That the ones we feed, are you and me?
(Repeat and fade)
1000
#60 SCIENCE!
2012-10-17 16:18:30
/u/tatikios
[Link]
/u/tatikios
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2218832/Richard-Lee-Norris-face-transplant-
Gun-accident-victim-given-amazing-operation-US-doctors.html
When Im feeling cynical;

Annoyed with mankinds lot,
Or saddened by a dozen wars,
And sickened by the rot,
Of everything weve worked for,
Of all weve said and done;
Extinguished in a moment,
By the bullet from a gun. . .
Something better comes along,
And drives away the sad;
I look at this, and change my mind,
And think aloud, not bad.
/u/gophercuresself
Could you please write a nice poem about why you shouldnt link to the daily mail?
Someone can then make it into a song and then someone else will animate it and then
therell be a handy link to post under any link to the daily mail as a cheery reminder.
Soon trac to that shitmire of a place will stutter and stop and youll be instrumental in
bringing down the largest news website in all web land. Probably.
1001
This is just for you, gophercuresself:
Late one day whilst weak and weary,

Scanning Reddits threads, eyes bleary,
There I spotted something cheery;
Something Id adore.
Simply seeking information,
I was pleased by a quotation,
Seeming cited to location,
Where Id look for more.
A hyperlink to take me there,

Just that, and nothing more.
But alas! For when I clicked it,

Unprepared for the conflict it,
Would soon rise in me aicted,
Shocked me to my core.
There, instead of truthful tale,
Swelled a shape that shook me pale,
An item by the Daily Mail,
As though from days of yore.
And there I hope it stays forever,

Lost to days of yore.
So my friends, if I might ask you,

Beg or plead or simply task you,
Not to ever detail-mask through,
That unnatural shore.
Then I would forever finely,
Click each link and hope benignly,
To attain detail divinely,
And each source explore.
Without fear, Id upvote freely,

Joyous to explore.
And as for links to that damned site?

Never, nevermore.
1002
#59 SCIENCE!
2012-10-17 15:03:22
/u/tatikios
[Link]
/u/tatikios
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2218832/Richard-Lee-Norris-face-transplant-
Gun-accident-victim-given-amazing-operation-US-doctors.html
When Im feeling cynical;
Annoyed with mankinds lot,
Or saddened by a dozen wars,
And sickened by the rot,
Of everything weve worked for,
Of all weve said and done;
Extinguished in a moment,
By the bullet from a gun. . .
Something better comes along,
And drives away the sad;
I look at this, and change my mind,
And think aloud, not bad.
1003
#58 What is your best piece of life advice?
2012-10-17 13:56:03
/u/TheSilentObserver
Personally, I think anyone looks good in a collared shirt so Ill wear a collared shirt if Im
feeling shit.
/u/shakerattlenrollitup
If youre stuck on a dicult decision, and you have time, rub one out. Youre never as
level-headed as you are post-fap. I call it clarity-cumming.
/u/(deleted user)
When in doubt, rub one out.
When in doubt, or in two minds,
And unsure where to go;
Lost in life and insecure,
Or too confused to know;
Take a minute, sit right back,
Let your mind go blank;
Fire up the computer,
For a quick, prescription-wank.
And when youre done, your thoughts will clear,
From lifes simplest amenity.
With coming comes a calmness;
A fap-inspired serenity.
1004
#57 What do you need to get o your chest, Reddit?
2012-10-16 16:51:32
/u/allthefoxes
Something been bugging you? Did something that you want to talk about? Anything at
all
edit: Hey reddit, great stu! I made this post in the thought that everyone has something
on thier mind that they just need to talk about. Remember, there are people out there
who will listen. I wish everyone in this thread the best of luck with any problems they
face. If any of you need to vent more, I am always open to being PMd. Many here on
reddit will be there to listen as well.
edit 2: Apparently, there is a /r/omychest . Consider there as well!
/u/(deleted user)
I hate that it wont matter what I write down here, because there is are more than a 100
comments. So no one will read it.
Edit: typo thanks AvoidingWorkAtSchool
Alas my friend, youve seized upon,
The Late Redditors plight;
A doom reserved for those who work,
Or step out in the light.
My tip for you is simple,
Advice that cannot fold:
Quit your job, divorce your wife,
And comment til youre old.
#56 Guys what is the last thing that you cried about?
2012-10-13 00:02:01
/u/AllisonChains90
1005
/u/Scootaloob
i cried yesterday when i was planing my wedding and realized my father wont be there
because he is dead and my mother will be there but she has alzheimers and wont remember
it
A verse cant nurse her back to health,
Or bring back family lost.
It cant amend when life has wronged,
Or asked too great a cost.
Some feelings cant be made to scan,
Some hopes arent meant for rhyme;
A parents joy at promised love;
A moment etched in time.
But memories make it better;
Go forward, with a smile;
Theyll walk in you when that day comes,
With each step down the aisle.
#55 What moment ended your childhood?

2012-10-10 23:17:12
/u/PoozTool13
When I was nine I had a huge collection of Legos, from Indiana jones to Star Wars. One
day I had my Lego spaceship armada amassed on my bedroom floor, when my mother
entered suddenly and purposefully crushed my creations under her feet telling me to
grow up. That day my childhood ended. Never to return. What moment brought
other redditors childhoods to an end? (Edit) you guys make me look like a pussy. Now
I appreciate my childhood more (Edit) your stories have ocially ended any hope of
regaining childhood. Ive experienced pain, but not on the levels of most of you. As I am
not religious i cannot pray for you, so instead i would like to oer my respect. You will
always have it. Ive learned many lessons today on this thread alone. Thank you
1006
/u/southpaw19711
TIL Redditors had shitty, short childhoods.
Yep.
I came to write a poem,
Based on someones silly yarn;
Like how their childhood ended,
When they had sex in a barn.
Or possibly a story,
Of an unintended plight;
I walked in on my parents,
And was blinded by the sight!
But no, not Reddit, here the tales,
Are sharp as jagged knives;
These stories map the progress,
Of a hundred awful lives.
Well folks, Ill try for good news;
A slice of shining sun;
At least now that youre older,
Your childhoods finally done.
#54 Reddit, what scares you?

2012-10-10 13:57:54
/u/dapoonking
1007
/u/chimpsky
Anal fisting
Its not the dark in dead of night,
Its not the deepest sea,
Its not the frozen wastes of space,
That ever frighten me.
Its not the storms or hurricanes,
Nor haunted winds that twist;
No, nothing scares me quite as much,
As anal-seeking fist.
#53 I see The creepiest of creepy family photos and

give you THIS
2012-10-09 15:04:16
/u/stinos
[Link]
1008
/u/space sound
Also, the kid might be dead.
/u/Ijustdoeyes
Yup, the kid and the old man are both dead in this photo.
Its a Victorian thing post-mortem photography that came about mostly because of the
cost and rarity of photography.
Basically its a last and sometimes the only opportunity to have a photo of your loved
ones and so they took that opportunity, there was an entire industry around it.
Its an odd concept today but remember that back then, it wasnt uncommon to be born,
grow up and die in the same house with loved ones bathing and dressing the body before
burial.
If youre interested theres clips on youtube
/u/(deleted user)
Holy shit. This really sent me down a rabbit hole of emotion.
1. I figuratively shit my pants.

2. I felt really sad for that poor old widow!
3. I got curious. How are these people actually related?
1009
2.
Come on now, get ready both;
I know its so contrived,
But its that time of year again,
The cameramans arrived.
Thats it, my darling, dressed up nice.
Oh Alfred, dont you think,
You both look lovely? Smile now -
Dont either of you blink.
All done, my darlings! Back to bed,
Ill fix us all some tea.
No? Neither of you want some?
Then just one cup. Just me.
#52 Cheaters of reddit, tell us why you are currently

cheating on your SO.
2012-10-09 11:13:26
/u/cantsleepbored
/u/KarlSchmidt
Nice try, girlfriend.
/u/(deleted user)
Im gonna post this here so it doesnt get buried.

This is kinda hard to talk about. Honestly, Im just not attracted to her anymore. After
she had our kid, the weight never went away. The spark has just completely disappeared.
I dont want to break up with her because weve been married for more than a year,
and I dont want my child growing up in a broken home. I cant stand to be around her
anymore though.
1010
I have been sleeping with dierent women for a while now and she hasnt found any
hard evidence yet. One time, she found texts in my phone and broke down crying, but I
apologized and told her nothing happened.
I know its bad, but I feel like its alright as long as she is happy. I hope one day I can
just be happy with her again.
If she can just lose the weight, and maybe get a little plastic surgery, Im sure i could be
with her for the rest of my life.
TLDR: My wife got fat. I dont like it
Edit: Been getting a lot of PMs asking for a pic. Here it is
I know he probably loves me;
Im sure he feels the same.
He wouldnt lie or hurt me -
This fear? Its me to blame.
Those messages I found?
Ill push them from my mind;
But when I think Im happy,
They sneak up from behind.
Its silly though, I need to stop;
The sparks still in the flame.
Those stupid thoughts are nothing;
Im sure its me to blame.
Youre kidding yourself if you think shes happy.
1011
#51 Assisted Suicide - Your thoughts?
2012-10-09 00:29:02
/u/Hulemann
I had a talk with my mother about death in the family and she said that she had hopped
that her mother(My grandmother) had the option to do Assisted Suicide. She had Mul-
tipel sclerose, And my hole life i only knew my grandmother to be in the bed or the
hospital. I live in Denmark, Where the talk about Assisted Suicide has waved back and
forth. And its probably going to come within the next 10-15 years.
Heres a video with a French women who does Assisted Suicide. Just to show how it
works there.
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=748 1349359143
Your thoughts on assisted suicide.
In life, too often are our choices,
Made without consent,
Constricted by a force without;
True freedom circumvent.
We live from day to month to year;
Decisions slip away.
And so few things are truly ours,
All choices? Shades of grey.
But when its time to leave this world?
To enter the unknown?
Then I believe, and always will,
That choice is ours alone.
1012
#50 I just overheard my Girlfriend say Hes kinda ugly
I know I can do way better while joking around with her
friends. What soul crushing things have you been told or
heard about yourself ?
2012-10-05 00:16:52
/u/(deleted user)
/u/ThugAimer
Kick that bitch in the cunt.

What you should of done, was walk up behind her, throw the shit on her desk, stare and
leave. then everyone working with ehr would of saw how good you treat her, and how she
doesnt appreciate you.
Oh, that would of been awesome.
Her words tore through me like a knife,
A blow, I bore the brunt.
I dumped those flowers on her desk,
And kicked her in the cunt.
#49 When I was a child, receiving a letter in the post

excited me. It made me feel like an adult. What excited
you and made you feel older as a child?
2012-10-04 14:31:26
/u/coleyy07
Even if it was just a dentist appointment, if it was directed to me I always got over
excited.
What small things excited you as a child and made you feel all grown up?
[Edit] Ive just came downstairs and found a picture of me when I was 8 years old in
school with another one of my classmates. Its captioned Year 4/5 School Councillors
That also made me feel like a big girl.
Also, thanks for the amazing response, its been great reading all your stories.
Edit again: Ive posted a new question, this time reversed. What do
1013
you do as an adult which makes you feel like a child again? Link:
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/10zk8w/response to my earlier question what do you do as/
So, instead of what made you feel older as a child. What makes you feel like a kid again?
/u/Kijafa
Helping with grocery shopping at the supermarket.

When I was 10 my mom would give me half the shopping list and Id run o to get
the items on it. It made me feel like an adult and we also ended up spending less time
shopping. Thems was the days. . .
Take this, son, the Lady said,
And handed me a scroll.
Solemnly, I took it,
And pledged, with all my soul,
To find those things she sought afar,
In ages lost or gone,
Id seek them, led by sword and shield,
Until Id come upon,
The treasures hidden through this land;
Id sail with the breeze;
I rolled the scroll and looked to it,
The first said Milk and Cheese.
#48 Its National Poetry Day today! What can you come
up with? (on any theme...)
2012-10-04 10:37:06
*In the UK. Though Id love to read poetry from anywhere.

Ill start us o in the comments.
1014
Though simple lines of poetry,
Are weak and often harmless;
Written badly, miss the mark,
And come o dull and charmless,
Poetry has power,
And a verse can make you smile,
Laugh and cry or rise to arms,
Or simply think awhile.
Take Shelley, writing to the mass,
And seeing them suppressed:
Rise like Lions after slumber,
Disturbed in their rest.
Or Dylan Thomas, facing fate,
Who feared his fathers plight,
Writing: Do not go gentle,
Into that good night.
And then theres Dahl,
Whose poetry is full of pure delight;
All silly verse and random lines,
To childs mind ignite.
So take this opportunity,
Dont waste another hour!
Write some lines of poetry;
For poetry has power.
1015
#47 Reddit...can you help me make a miracle happen? I
want to help my father.
2012-10-04 00:50:35
/u/QueenJC
Dad,
Sometimes its hard to find the words,
Or think of things to say,
When times are tough, and life, it seems,
Keeps getting in the way.
I want to say I love you,
But the words are too oft said.
In time they lose their power;
Overworn and thinly spread.
I want to tell you thank you,
For the woman youve made me.
But how can thank you serve as thanks,
For all youve helped me be?
I want to tell you, now, forever,
Just like you have too,
Whilst youre taking care of me,
Ill take care of you.
Just know that I am yours for good,
No matter what will be.
And if in doubt or lost in life,
Then simply turn to me.
1016
#46 There arent enough vampire hedgehogs on Reddit...
2012-10-02 21:54:18
/u/nathanfillionisagod
[Link]
/u/djbriandamage
the silent quiller
Through streets at night, a shape takes flight,

And moves without a sound.
You feel its stare, trapped in its snare,
And cast your eyes around.
A needle drops; your heartbeat stops,
You run though deepest fog.
You hear its screams; it haunts your dreams:
The foul Vampire Hedgehog.
/u/(deleted user)
Did you hear that? I whispered to Sally. Yes She replied shakily.
We both strained forward hoping to not hear what our minds knew we would hear. I
glanced at her and saw that she was shaking a little, I reached out to reassure her and she
cringed away from me then relaxed. Cmon, lets get going I said in my best reassuring
voice. She glanced around and nodded. We began walking, slowly and cautiosly at first,
but then with a reckless abandon we hurled ourselves into the night. Thoughts of Billy
and Sue flew to our minds. They had been discovered out in these same woods a few
months ago. Their deaths had never been explained, but those who had found the bodies
said that it was clear that they had died of terror. The coroner had said that it seemed
that a bacteria had infected them, something unheard of had caused all the blood to
disappear from their veins. These thoughts fed our bodies, kept our hearts pounding out
1017
that delicious, sweet blood. Kept out lungs sucking our last real breaths of air. I had just
passed Sally to jump over a bush when I heard a terrible scream, I did not look back, I
kept running, I knew for certain that Sally was dead but I had no idea what had killed
her, and I did not want to know. Then I felt it, right on the back of my neck there was a
soft feeling like a rat had landed on me, I tried to wack it o in panic and I tripped. As
I fell I realized my hand felt as if it was full of needles, I looked down and there looking
up at me was the cutest little guy you have ever seen. I dont understand why Sally
screamed, then he bit me.
I screamed.
TL;DR:
Sallys dead; shes bit and bled;
Behind, its quick pursuit.
You beg remit; and look to it. . .
Its really fucking cute.
#45 There arent enough vampire hedgehogs on Reddit...

2012-10-02 21:14:15
/u/nathanfillionisagod
[Link]
/u/djbriandamage
the silent quiller
1018
Through streets at night, a shape takes flight,
And moves without a sound.
You feel its stare, trapped in its snare,
And cast your eyes around.
A needle drops; your heartbeat stops,
You run though deepest fog.
You hear its screams; it haunts your dreams:
The foul Vampire Hedgehog.
#44 Screenshot of reddit from the year 3012 [FIXED]

2012-10-01 22:24:30
/u/ozmonatov
[Link]
/u/ShatteredRationale
For some reason this makes me incredibly sad.
The winter wind blows softly,
1019
Through the silent city street.
I stand alone, like always;
My head drops in defeat.
This act seems so familiar;
Its as though, a thousand times,
Ive stood between these buildings,
And answered for our crimes.
And whod have thought, unfolding,
That the start would come to this?
Billions swiftly captured,
And blinded by the bliss?
But so few months? I thought at least,
Id last a longer time;
Living through each day by day;
Surviving on a rhyme.
Ah well, I think; I raise my gun,
I sigh and dust my suit.
The winter winds blow softly;
I fashion a salute.
#43 Justin Bieber throws up on stage tonight in Arizona

2012-09-30 11:32:11
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
/u/Spudnuticus
And I was like baby, baby, baBLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHAB-

JHKJS
1020
Id saved up all my pennies,
And the day had finally come.
I waved my arms up in the air;
My hands were feeling numb.
The sign Id made read I heart u,
I really hoped hed see,
And then wed spend our days together,
Happy as could be.
I made my way toward the front,
I found an open space!
I shouted, Justin! Marry me!,
He threw up on my face.
#42 Have you ever stared at your balls for a good while?
Have you ever noticed them moving? Everyone knows about
shrinkage and dropping due to temperature, but if you stare
at your balls, youll notice them constantly moving... like
theyre breathing.
2012-09-28 13:25:02
/u/NutSackAficionado
I wonder if you can control this ability and keep your nuts up close for a day before sex
so that all the sperm that come out are dead.
Contrary to all belief;
In spite of years of study;
The human ball is nothing more,
1021
Than mankinds closest buddy.
Each time before a babe is born,
The teste-fly lays eggs,
And naked to the human eye,
Each grows a pair of legs.
Dispersed through air, the teste-spawn,
Soon finds a fitting host -
A pregnant woman, six weeks in,
Is best of all for most.
They walk in through their cavities,
And carried by the whirls,
Soon find the little foetus,
(Til then, all babes are girls.)
And so, they settle down and stay,
And then, in times of leisure,
(Like when youre bored or sick of work),
In life, bring nought but pleasure,
So take a minute, look on down,
Remove that captive sheathing,
For if you really take your time,
Youre sure to see them breathing.
1022
#41 I found porn on my sons internet broswer. Did I go
about his correctly?
2012-09-24 23:32:53
/u/(deleted user)
My son got that MoneyPak/FBI scamware on his computer the day before yesterday and
couldnt get it o so he asked me for help. I removed it but when I was looking at his
history in Google Chrome to see what had caused it there wasnt any sites there that
werent safe. I checked Internet Explorer just in case and there it was. Tons of porn.
I wrote this in Word and left it on his computer for him to see when he gets home. He
get embarrassed super easily so I dont wanna make it too hard on him. I typed this up
and left it on his computer. He wont be home for another 3.5 hours. Is this the right
thing to do or what?
I want to start out by saying that I love ya and Im not trying to embarrass you. Before
you do anything else click the star in the upper right hand corner of internet explorer
which is already pulled up and then click back on the icon to the right of the skype symbol
in your toolbar to pull this page back up. > That history
is the reason that you got that scamware and all the other crap on your computer. I
want to tell you that its ok. Listen, I was 13 once too and it wasnt so long ago that I
dont remember. Im not mad or anything. Its life and I did it too. I just want you to
know that most of those sites are places that can and will ruin your computer. You were
actually lucky that it only did what it did. There are viruses and other scamware that
can completly ruin a computer and I cant aord to buy you another 1800 dollar machine
because you went to a site that fried it.
There are sites that are completely safe and you can go on them and not have your
computer turned into a piece of junk. You can go to these sites and not screw up your
computer. Dont click on any links taking you to other sites and please only go to these.
Ninty percent of porn sites have crap that can brick a computer.
www.pornmd.com www.pornhub.com www.xvideos.com www.xhamster.com
www.beeg.com
Listen, I wont tell your mom and Im not gonna make a big deal out of this. In fact Im
not gonna make any size deal out of it. If you dont wanna talk about it thats fine and
I completely understand. Ive been on this earth three times as long as you and theres
nothing you have done or will do that I havent done before. If you want to completely
ignore this ever happened then I can and will do that too. Please dont act awkward
around me because of this. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I just cant have
an 1800 dollar machine turned into a brick because you havent learned where to go on
the internet. Im not going to put a child lock on your computer or punish you in any
way because as I said you did nothing wrong. I would like you to not be back here so
much though. You literally spend all of your time back here. Id like to see you more
often. I like doing stu with you and miss it.
I love you and I couldnt be more proud of you.
Should I just approach him with it or is this the right thing to do.
UPDATE: After he went in his room he came right out and talked to me. Although it
didnt last for more than five minutes I think it was productive. He thanked me for not
getting mad or telling mom. I also talked to him about porn not being like real life and
1023
that women arent objects like they are portrayed in porn. I gave him the option to ask
questions but he said he didnt have any right now. I hope he does later. It went really
well.
UPDATE: Seems some people havent seen the comments. I shortened this up substan-
tially prior to him seeing it and took some of the preachiness away. I also took away the
part about it bricking his computer which I knew wasnt true but I was trying to scare
him into not going to dodgy sites again.
UPDATE: Holy shit. My first front page post is about my sons porn. . . . . . sigh
/u/GentleCoatHanger
Nah, you should have gone the cigarette route and sit there and watch until hes beat o
to every last one of those videos.
http://i.imgur.com/GUZJA.jpg
1024
Come on son, sit down and look,
And face that laptop screen.
Its time you learned a thing or two,
Now that youre quite the teen.
No, dont look back, look forward son,
I thought of things to say:
I noticed one or two websites,
On your browser today.
So lets see now, how about the first?
Lets start where you began.
Now hush now son, for boys dont cry,
When they become a man.
Just click that link, and then the next,
And then the others too.
And when were done, I tell you boy,
Your searching days are through.
#40 My buddys having a kid in 5 months. I want to give

him a collection of parenting advice. Help me out reddit?
2012-09-21 16:01:51
/u/UnderZinfluence
Ive been trying to think of a great baby shower gift for a couple months now. Then it
came to me, theres no better gift than knowledge. Hes a young father having a girl. I
figured you guys could help me construct a collection of advice for him because I definitely
know nothing about parenting.
Edit: Ahhh so much parenting knowledge. You guys are the shit.
1025
I heard the news the other day,
A tiny babys on its way!
Congratulations! Heres to you!
Ive some advice to help you through:
Dont. . .
Drop him, kick him, try to lick him,
Bite him, light him, baby-fight him,
Poke him, choke him, roll-and-smoke him,
Beat him, cheat him, cook-and-eat-him.
Say goodbye to relaxation,
Welcome grim anticipation,
Wave hello to sleepless nights,
Naps in work; domestic fights.
Learn to love the sound of crying,
Baby-food and nappy-buying;
Know youll finally get some rest,
In eighteen years - theyll fly the nest.
And still, no matter what I say,
Youll live for each and every day.
1026
#39 Confession time reddit! What have you done that
should be shared anonymously? (possibly nsfw)
2012-09-18 23:35:34
/u/Hockeytruck87
We have all got up to some pretty ruckus stu in our time. . .

This from Otago University:http://www.facebook.com/#!/OtagoUniConfessions One
guy shagged his flatmates mum when the flatmate was in hospital
/u/Had To Switch
I stuck my dick in the snow as a child.
The winter moon spilled through my room,
And spread like liquid pearl,
I crept from bed and gazed on out,
And listened to the whirl,
Of winds that shook the snow from clouds,
Like simple sighs of sorrow;
I watched it fall and blanket ground,
And thought inside, tomorrow.
When I awoke, I rose and saw,
That crisp and even glade,
I raced downstairs and grabbed my coat,
My red sleigh and a spade.
And with each step, excitement grew,
Id longed for snow to stick;
So that Id have a chance at last,
To cryofreeze my dick.
1027
#38 What makes you smile?
2012-09-18 18:46:45
/u/thelirivalley
For me I always have the largest grin whenever I ride a roller coaster, I cant help it I just
cannot stop smiling, pair that with Maniacal laughter and Im not the best to go with if
youre afraid of rides. What makes you smile Reddit?
/u/(deleted user)
BIG ASS TITTIES
When I think of all the things,
That really make me smile,
I tilt my chair and sit right back;
I drift o for a while.
I think of favourite days-gone-by,
Or time spent with some friends,
I think of summer breezes,
On a night that never ends.
I dream of songs that lift the soul,
Or silly, playful ditties.
But best of them, and best of all. . .
A pair of big ass titties.
#37 Funniest one of these I have seen.

2012-09-17 23:25:38
1028
/u/thapharmacist
[Link]
1029
Its hard being a t-rex,
Theres loads that I cant do;
The worlds been made for longer arms,
And not for me, but you.
I struggle playing tennis,
I cant high-five a friend,
Brushings quite impossible -
My limbs just wont extend.
People mock behind my back,
They snicker at my size;
A man upset me yesterday,
So I chewed o his thighs.
So think before you laugh at me,
Or chuckle at my plight,
My arms might suck, but trust me friend,
Theres zilch wrong with my bite.
#36 Hello Reddit, in light of my battle with cancer, I

would like to leave my son with an advice journal. Would
you be able to help me ?
2012-09-14 01:16:16
/u/mustangjunkie
Hello Reddit,
Ive not been much on here before. . . Ive only heard of it last week from my wing-
mates son Andrew . . . .My name is Chris and Im 39 years old with a 7 year old son,
Unfortunately Ive been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer and have entered a dangerous
1030
stage within my life. Ive had a major surgery in attempting to remove cancer cells from
the lower area of my esophagus but however my body doesnt seem to want to continue
to fight, Ive also been undergoing palliative therapy (chemotherapy) to reduce risk and
pain but I dont seem to be in a curable position. This past week at the hospital has been
terribly depressing.
My wifes family and mine have been extremely supportive and giving. All I would like
to do is share my memories and experiences with them; however most of all with my son.
Throughout his wonderful seven years of life Ive had the opportunity to explore great
bonds and connections with him through adventures weve been through and trips weve
taken.
In my current state I have an extreme amount of chest pain and over the past year Ive
felt that as I get weaker and older my son becomes more energetic (hes such a happy
trooper). This has been something I think about every night before bed, how long will
my child cherish his youthfulness and his passion for outdoors. In the future, what will
he do when Im not there to guide him? If he reaches financial distress, how can I show
him the correct path, who will tell my son how to properly interact with the opposite- or
same sex, when he is wed, what can I say to him as a deeply passionate father. . . When
his first car breaks down, who will he call? When hes sick or heartbroken, who will be
there to run fingers through his hair and tell him itll be alright? When he goes into
the woods, who will chop down trees, and find salamanders underneath logs with him?
When he gets old and becomes as weary as I, what percentage of his life will he have that
involved me, and how can he reflect on it?
As I diminish in this stale and gloomy environment I hope that I can write in my journal
some things to tell my son, whether they be short and humorous, or long and complex
with deeply twisting and thought provoking matter, or simply a slogan/phrase- As simple
as Just do it, I myself am preparing a book for him, not a novel but a collection of my
39 years of experience, and what to do in life situations where he is without a father or
without a friend, I hope to continue to find a perfect piece for a page or a passage, FYI
page 1, tells him how much I love him, and page 2 tells him to always wear a condom,
because if he gets a woman pregnant, he gets us pregnant too. [Haha. . . (his parents)].
If I can be so humble, I would please ask your assistance in helping me prepare thoughts
or phrases to put into this journal
One love, Chris
EDIT: Thank you for all wonderful advice ! It really means a lot to me, I am extremely
grateful ! I could not have asked for better results as I really was not sure what to expect.
The internet is certainly not my fort in life, but this community is extraordinary. I thank
you once again for your support and attention, it has been a great experience Reddit !
Do you mind if I ask - whats your sons name? Id like to write something for him.
Perhaps something you can read to him?
/u/mustangjunkie
Of course, his name is ben (benjamin) -smile face-
1031
I really hope this is okay. Its not really for your book - its just for the two
of you, now, at this moment in time.
....
The pipes tone out for the new day,
The bakers sing their song,
And I walk on the gangway,
And hum my way along.
The sailors tip their cap to me,
The fishers stop and wave;
For I am Captain Ben,
Fearless, strong and brave.
I step aboard my wooden ship,
And raise the flag up high.
The sails billow like the clouds,
The wind heaves out a sigh.
And o we set, into the blue,
The sun shines warm and bright,
I raise my head and raise my sword,
Which glitters in the light.
Sudden booms sound in the air!
The waves splash all around,
I look to see what makes the noise,
But nothings to be found.
Theres pirates o the starboard bow!
My first mate shouts to me,
Come on lads! I answer back,
1032
And run through the debris.
(For now, its raining soot and ash,
Theres holes in all my sails,
Theres canon-fire, and pistol shots,
And distant cries of whales)
I see the evil captain,
And swing on to his deck.
We fight for hours on sodden boards,
Until at last, one clash of swords,
Sends his spinning to the sea,
And my men clap and cheer for me.
Theres no one more courageous,
In all the world than I,
For I am Captain Ben,
Bravest below the sky.
Come for tea, my daddy shouts.
My dreams all fade away.
Coming now! Ill tell him how,
Again, I saved the day.
1033
#35 Hello Reddit, in light of my battle with cancer, I
would like to leave my son with an advice journal. Would
you be able to help me ?
2012-09-14 00:58:43
/u/mustangjunkie
Hello Reddit,
Ive not been much on here before. . . Ive only heard of it last week from my wing-
mates son Andrew . . . .My name is Chris and Im 39 years old with a 7 year old son,
Unfortunately Ive been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer and have entered a dangerous
stage within my life. Ive had a major surgery in attempting to remove cancer cells from
the lower area of my esophagus but however my body doesnt seem to want to continue
to fight, Ive also been undergoing palliative therapy (chemotherapy) to reduce risk and
pain but I dont seem to be in a curable position. This past week at the hospital has been
terribly depressing.
My wifes family and mine have been extremely supportive and giving. All I would like
to do is share my memories and experiences with them; however most of all with my son.
Throughout his wonderful seven years of life Ive had the opportunity to explore great
bonds and connections with him through adventures weve been through and trips weve
taken.
In my current state I have an extreme amount of chest pain and over the past year Ive
felt that as I get weaker and older my son becomes more energetic (hes such a happy
trooper). This has been something I think about every night before bed, how long will
my child cherish his youthfulness and his passion for outdoors. In the future, what will
he do when Im not there to guide him? If he reaches financial distress, how can I show
him the correct path, who will tell my son how to properly interact with the opposite- or
same sex, when he is wed, what can I say to him as a deeply passionate father. . . When
his first car breaks down, who will he call? When hes sick or heartbroken, who will be
there to run fingers through his hair and tell him itll be alright? When he goes into
the woods, who will chop down trees, and find salamanders underneath logs with him?
When he gets old and becomes as weary as I, what percentage of his life will he have that
involved me, and how can he reflect on it?
As I diminish in this stale and gloomy environment I hope that I can write in my journal
some things to tell my son, whether they be short and humorous, or long and complex
with deeply twisting and thought provoking matter, or simply a slogan/phrase- As simple
as Just do it, I myself am preparing a book for him, not a novel but a collection of my
39 years of experience, and what to do in life situations where he is without a father or
without a friend, I hope to continue to find a perfect piece for a page or a passage, FYI
page 1, tells him how much I love him, and page 2 tells him to always wear a condom,
because if he gets a woman pregnant, he gets us pregnant too. [Haha. . . (his parents)].
If I can be so humble, I would please ask your assistance in helping me prepare thoughts
or phrases to put into this journal
One love, Chris
EDIT: Thank you for all wonderful advice ! It really means a lot to me, I am extremely
grateful ! I could not have asked for better results as I really was not sure what to expect.
The internet is certainly not my fort in life, but this community is extraordinary. I thank
1034
you once again for your support and attention, it has been a great experience Reddit !
Do you mind if I ask - whats your sons name? Id like to write something
for him. Perhaps something you can read to him?
#34 Down 45 lbs and gained a smile :)

2012-09-08 01:07:05
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
Know what else you gained?

Creepy PMs.
Finally after years,

Of insecurity;
Of never feeling pretty,
Or happy being me,
Its time for me to give the world,
A newer sight to see,
Ill show them - one and all -,
Just what I can be.
And now - an inbox message?,
Oh surely this is it!
I bet it says Youre beautiful. . . ,
But no: show us a tit.
/u/arudeandvulgarname
Stfu poem for your sprog and deliver already. Tits or gtfo.
Careful -
Some sights across this world,
Would drive you mad to see -
1035
Strewn through distant jungles;
Below the deepest sea.
Monsters writhing in the black,
Beasts that hunt at night,
Horrors singing songs of death,
And hiding from the light.
Creatures with a thousand eyes,
Nesting with their brood,
But worse than them? Far worse in fact:
The sight of this dude nude.
I just wanna be loved. . .
Actually, by this dude - I meant me.
Im sure you have good qualities. Lets celebrate them in verse:
...
As handsome as the day is long,
As charming as the breeze,
As gentle as the light that shines,
Between the summer trees.
Bewitching like autumnal leaves,
Hell set your heart aflame,
The man, the legend, called of late,
arudeandvulgarname.

2012-09-08 00:43:56
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
1036
/u/(deleted user)

Creepy PMs.

Of insecurity;
Or happy being me,
Just what I can be.
Stfu poem for your sprog and deliver already. Tits or gtfo.
1037
Careful -
Some sights across this world,
Would drive you mad to see -
Strewn through distant jungles;
Below the deepest sea.
Monsters writhing in the black,
Beasts that hunt at night,
Horrors singing songs of death,
And hiding from the light.
Creatures with a thousand eyes,
Nesting with their brood,
But worse than them? Far worse in fact:
The sight of this dude nude.

2012-09-08 00:09:37
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)

Creepy PMs.
1038
Of insecurity;
Or happy being me,
Just what I can be.
#31 TIL In 1939, Hitlers nephew wrote an article called

Why I Hate My Uncle. He came to the U.S., served in the
Navy, and settled on Long Island.
2012-09-02 23:21:34
/u/vviikkrraanntt
[Link]
/u/Electrorocket
You didnt even put the best part in the title. His original name was Willy Hitler.
WILLY! You cant make this stu up. Ive been telling this to people for years. Its one
of my favorite pieces of trivia.
I guess its all in the page, but Im gonna sum up from memory.
His family moved to England sometime before WWII, maybe before WWI. Willy heard
his cousin Adolf was kind of a big deal. He moved to Germany, to try to get some
nepotism going on. Adolf was kind of against that, but gave Willy a high position in
some nationalized car company. After a while, he was like, fuck that, this shit is lame,
then he went back to England.
Here, I think he started badmouthing Adolf. Entering into the war, Adolf asked him
1039
back, oering a better position in the government. Willy was suspicious, and didnt go.
Adolf did all he could in Austria to destroy his family record(possible Jewish ancestors).
Willy was right to be cautious. WWII broke out, and, denouncing Adolf, Willy came to
the US, and tried to join the Army. He was rejected. Eventually he managed to join the
Navy, but only in the Pacific theater. He was a bit of a minor celebrity and socialite, and
had some magazine stories, such as in Look Magazine.
After the war, he changed his name, got married, and had four boys in Long Island.
Most of them started a landscaping company, and none of them ever had kids. It was
rumored that they had a pact to have the Hitler line end with them, but its not really
corroborated. Some of them are still alive.
The End.
Why I Hate my Uncle by Willy Hitler.
It isnt cos he did a stint,
For starting up a brawl;
Nor the fact that Uncle Alf,
Would hardly ever call.
Its not because his lady-friend,
Was just a little butch.
Or that he missed my birthday,
Cos he had a hall to Putsch.
It isnt cos his tache is weird,
Or cos he gets excited,
When travelling cross the border,
And staying, uninvited.
To tell youd take too long,
From Spring through all the seasons,
Suce to say theres lots of things;
About six million reasons.
1040
#30 How I feel
2012-09-02 21:09:30
/u/dizzyike89
[Link]
Creed, religion, race or age,
Gay or bi or straight,
Tall or small or fat or thin,
Or hounded by your weight.
The good news is - no matter what,
Your goals, or lifes true aim,
Ill take this moment just to say,
I hate you all the same.
1041
#29 Trees
2012-09-02 19:19:32
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
When youve moved on, old Nature said,
To young Humanity,
Ill claim it back, just like before,
And all the world will see,
Theres nothing on this Earth at all,
More constant, fair, and free,
Or timeless, mighty, resolute,
More beautiful than me.
#28 How are you Redditors so witty?

2012-09-02 00:11:03
/u/Cats cats cats cats
How do I become witty and have the ability to make witty comments out of observations
I make in the real world? I have noticed how witty everyone on Reddit is. The comments
are just so clever. . . .
On Reddit wit is sparse indeed,
(Though should you wish to try),
Heres my advice to test your hand,
In each comment reply.
Lurk all day and think of posts,
1042
To raise a strangers smile.
Or spend a month or two or more,
Cultivating style.
Simply mimic others wit;
Use whats gone before,
Just keep typing brave and gem;
Theyre sure to beg for more!
And when in doubt, a pun is good,
Or gifs are always great -
Like salmon caught upriver,
We just cant resist the bait.
Or simply do like others do,
And post throughout the day,
One of them at least, Id think,
Would have something to say.
...
But seriously - dont strive for wit;
Just make sure that youre you,
And reading, should a thought arise,
Youll know just what to do.
#27 POTUS IAMA Stats

2012-08-31 23:40:12
/u/reddit
[Link]
1043
Thank you so much for facilitating the two coolest things to happen in my life. There
might be another watercolour on CNN, and the Obama painting is going to hang in
Obama campaign HQ!
http://imgur.com/a/GMAMW
Thank you! :)
/u/Metalshields
. . . And this painting hanging over here was painted by the one and only
Shitty Watercolour.
Franklin by Dave Martin,
And Harts Lake too, of course,
Boston Harbour drawn by Lane,
And Drayton done by Morse.
Cogswells famous Lincoln,
Hoover made by Greene,
Franklin Pierce by Healy,
Got nothing on this scene.
For now, amongst them, best of all,
(They couldnt get much duller),
Obama; timeless masterpiece,
By Shitty Watercolour.
1044
#26 Redditors, what is one thing that you regret doing
in your life?
2012-08-31 11:00:52
/u/(deleted user)
Everyone says that they dont want to regret anything they do, but I want to hear what
you do know you wish you hadnt done or had handled dierently. If you could go back
in your life and do something dierently, what would it be?
/u/WookieOfTheYear
Not asking that girl out. Everyone has their own version of that girl.
/u/epetes
Oh, I think about her all the time. She was beautiful, and she was interested in me and
I was too stupid to see it. I was so intimidated by her at the time. I was 18, a freshman,
and she was in her 20s well on her way into college. Shed been around the world and
had a million stories to tell. I just wanted to get swept up in her wake. I couldnt get
enough of her. I made excuses to be around her, but even better, she made a few to be
around me, too. I still remember how she smelled, and my heart still races when I think
about her smile. I fell for her so hard. I would have let that girl tear my world apart, and
I would have thanked her for the privilege. When that semester ended she disappeared
and I never spoke to her again.
Also, relevant
If I could alter one thing,
I know what it would be:
Go back in time and change my mind,
And make her fall for me.
An awkward teen, I fumbled love,
And time stopped for a while,
Fascinated by her words,
And swept up in her style.
And even though, now years have passed,
I cant recall her face,
1045
I think of her as beautiful;
Perfection lost in space.
So if she tore my world apart,
Id thank her for the chance,
To try again in memory;
To savour every glance.
...
But maybe if I went back now,
To capture what Id missed,
Id find that face I thought I saw,
Never did exist.
#25 I saw this walking down my street today Im pretty

sure it had children under it. It was giggling
2012-08-30 10:58:31
/u/mechchic84
[Link]
1046
Youre lucky, you know -
For that shape that youve seen,
(Which nature oft keeps,
In the space in between) -
Is sometimes named Reaper,
The Bringer of Doom,
The Soul of the Night,
And the Vessel of Gloom.
It laughs like a child,
And moves like the wind,
If it sights you, run quickly:
It knows if youve sinned.
For beneath its shawl,
Lies a visage to fear,
A dark endless depth,
That would rob you of cheer.
So shake your head friend,
At the fate you have missed,
But for now - watch your back,
For were all on his list.
#24 I think I have lurked long enough

2012-08-23 13:47:15
1047
/u/domzilla
[Link]
/u/Sc silvah
Congratz on your first downvote. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD, BOY!
/u/domzilla
ouch. . . Right in the feels.
1048
Hopefully, thisll make you feel better. Its a rhyme to celebrate some of the
things youve never commented on, but must have noticed/seen time
and again on Reddit, (though it could also work as a general summary
of the site!):
To the Tune of We Didnt Start the Fire
Bad luck Brians AMA, Karmanaut, Apostolate,

this, le, just, gem, lady with nacho,
Trapped in Reddit, S.A.P., atheism generally,
troll, lol, brave, fag, Keanu reeves woe.
America vs. world divide, awkward karma suicide,

Creepy PMs, gun control, Quentin Blake never gets old.
This subs gone downhill today, Im sure I saw that yesterday,
Cats, Dogs, puns, boobs, important things in bold.
[Chorus]
I wont upvote this repost,
But I wont ignore it,
Cos I must deplore it.
No, I wont upvote this repost,
Yeah Im trying to fight it,
Cos I didnt write it.
Ladies posting in gonewild, everyone look at my child,

My friend saw this yesterday, pics of sunsets, OPs gay.
Badly worded late replies, tons of Karma-whoring lies,
That old reddit switcheroo, andrewsmith, and spacedicks too.
Rage comics, Imgurs down, this just came through my home town,
Why not Zoidberg?, r/trees grew, noveltys are lame: fuck you!
[Chorus]
Cant upvote this repost,
But I wont ignore it,
Cos I must deplore it.
No, I wont upvote this repost,
Yeah, Im trying to fight it,
Cos I didnt write it.
x2 and fade. . .
1049
#23 Act casual, they can smell fear.
2012-08-21 23:21:09
/u/mirite
[Link]
/u/Ctwatt21
what. the. fuck. creepy as fuck.
/u/Gundun
Would still bang.
/u/madagent
In the mouth? Because it looks hungry.
/u/trevbot
Theres teeth in that end, Careful.
/u/Canonfoddered
Creepy enough photo to believe theres teeth in the other end too.
Id like to sing a ballad,
Of a girl I used to know,
(Outside a storm sounds out a gale,
The wind begins to blow).
I met her at a bar,
Maybe fifteen years ago,
(Outside the storm draws closer,
And the rain begins to flow).
We had a beer and talked all night,
We left together too,
1050
(Outside some thunder crashes,
And the lightening flashes through).
We both went back to her place,
And we made it to her room,
(Outside the storm has reached us,
And with each and every boom,
The windows shake and shudder,
And spell out my coming doom).
We quickly got to business,
But it all would end so soon,
(Outside the clouds part briefly,
And a light shines from the moon).
For when my little poet passed,
In through that funeral wreath,
I lost it for forever,
To that womans gina teeth.
(Outside the storm swirls stronger,
And the wind bus up its blow,
I drop my head in sadness,
At that night from long ago).
#22 Im that Cthulhu balloon guy. I blew up overnight.

AMA
2012-08-21 21:43:20
/u/stevensballoons
My name is Steven. I am the balloon twister that made the Cthulhu the other day.
www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/yj1cl/asked for a cthulhu balloon guy at bar mitzvah/
Check me out at facebook.com/stevensballoons. Go ahead, AMA. But Im new to Reddit,
1051
so dont be too hard on me! And feel free to post any ideas for what youd like to see
made out of balloons. At the end of the day, I will take the 5 best suggestions and
post pictures. http://imgur.com/507Er UPDATE: Heres my new photo. I think you all
saw this one coming: http://imgur.com/DQFhG UPDATE: By popular demand, heres
the Reddit Alien. Unfortunately, white balloons dont seem very photogenic. Hopefully
you still get the idea: http://imgur.com/nSndD UPDATE: I have but one question for
you. Why not Zoidberg? http://imgur.com/fVxhw UPDATE: Apocalystix requested
a pink sheep. I chose to use some more conventional colors, but I hope you like it!
http://imgur.com/Zqf1U
I wonder if you could create,
A shape thats shaped like me?
Im three foot tall with seven arms,
And coloured like a bee.
Ive eyes on stalks and quite the grin,
Im quite a thing to see,
I wonder if you could create,
A shape thats shaped like me?
. . . Well, either that or Neil deGrasse Tyson, with moustache.
#21 All I could think of when I saw the fire in my home-

town post
2012-08-18 13:58:49
1052
/u/nmp12
[Link]
/u/nifty50
This is the funniest thing Ive seen on here in awhile. Thank you.
1053
The smoke slipped up the smouldering stairs,
And formed a clotted cloud,
Beneath the bed, I watched it burn,
Ensconced and safe in shroud.
My plan, perfect in preparation,
Now deemed almost done,
Would free me from this foul fiend:
My liberty soon won.
But then, through darkness dank and dread,
To rob me of my right,
A shape came shifting swiftly through,
And lifted me to light.
And there, the creature cruel and callous,
Waiting; I began,
To think as she held out her arms,
This did not go to plan.
#20 This might just be the saddest doodle Ive ever seen
2012-08-15 07:22:51
1054
/u/HeyLetsBang
[Link]
/u/233741eb
The meteor was coming.

Oh, God, it was coming and she didnt know what to do. Her son, her beautiful little
son, pressed close to her side, craning his neck to look up at his Mother.
Mummy, why is everyone moving? Theres plenty of food here. He asked in his sweet,
innocent voice.
Because, my sweet, sometimes it is best that we move on. It is our way. She replied,
forcing the words past the lump in her throat. Oh, Her son said, turning his gaze to
the fiery rock in the sky that would spell their deaths out for them, the old Triceratops
told me it was cuzza that rock. He said the rock could hurt us real bad. He continued,
not understanding what he meant by those words in his innocence.
Triceratops is being silly, he just wanted to tease you one more time before he left.
She lied, choking on her tears. Oh, God, he son, her lovely son, was going to die not
understanding. Oh.
She turned her face to the meteor- it was close now. It wouldnt be long. Swinging her
head around, she dropped her face to her sons and nuzzled him one last time. Lets play
a game, yes? And then well go join the others. She suggested.
Okay! What game shall we play, Mummy? Lets play pretend. We will imagine the
sort of place we would like to move to, and when we open our eyes, thats where we shall
be. How do we play? One last look at the meteor- it was almost time.
Close your eyes and imagine the place, and count to thirty out loud. Just like when we
play Hide-and-Seek. She curled herself around her son, both of them now laid on the
beach. Ok, Mummy. 1, 2, 3, 4. . .
She watched the meteor approach with sad eyes, and just before it hit land she turned
her head, laying it and her neck over her son and bracing herself.
Her son had not yet said 30, but it was over.
Edit: To those commenting yes, I found this on Tumblr.
1055
Above, a burning shape sailed on,
As silent as the night,
I watched it light the ground below,
And shuddered at its might.
Around, the others ran for cover,
Heading for the trees,
I watched them go, then turned away,
And leant into the breeze.
And now, the sound like molten thunder,
Rolling through the night:
Behind me came a stirring sound,
My babe awoke in fright.
Whats that? said she; she raised her head,
And looked up to the sky,
I turned her round to face me,
I couldnt say goodbye.
Its hide and seek, I said, and wept,
Can you play that for me?
My baby smiled, she closed her eyes,
And counted: One, two, thre
#19 Touching youtube story...

2012-08-13 22:39:32
1056
/u/k6eqj
[Link]
Oh, how I used to love it,
When grandpa came to stay.
I hoped hed stick around for good,
And never go away.
Until, that is, last Christmas eve,
When tucked in bed, excited,
A shape came shifting through the dark,
Santa? thought I, delighted.
But when it raised the covers,
Breath settling on my brow,
I heard my fathers father say,
Dont worry - Gramps here now.
#18 Last night, I heard a little boy beg his mom not to go
into a liquor store. Reddit, what things have you overheard
that have broken your heart?
2012-08-03 18:38:58
/u/haikuginger
Some background: I live in Oklahoma, where the only place you can purchase alcohol
besides low-point beer is in a licensed, dedicated liquor store, which can only be open
at certain times of day. Anyway, Im heading to the one by my house to get a bottle of
Scotch. Im walking in, when I hear a little boy crying, Mommy, you cant go in there!
You dont need liquor! His mom replies, Yes, I do! Now shut up and wait in the car!
I havent really been able to think of much else since then. Reddit, what have you
1057
overheard thats weighed down your heart and mind since youve heard it?
/u/(deleted user)
For my sons 9th birthday I took my son and a handful of friends to the movies, then to
pizza, then they all slept over. On the way home from pizza the kids were commenting
on great the night was, and were saying thank you, etc. . . I said in reply We love having
kids over! Out of the blue one boy quietly whispered to me My Mom doesnt love me.
Broke my heart into bits. I asked why he said that, and he said, She always left me. I
would wake up and she would be gone.
Come to find out, he had just been placed with his Dad that he barely knew. The State
had taken him away from his Mom for neglect - leaving him every night alone to go to
the bar. It had been going on for years and the neighbors would hear him crying alone
and call the cops. She is a raging alcoholic and a drug addict, still.
His Dad had only met him once before, and was currently living with a new girlfriend, and
she didnt like kids. His son was now sleeping on the floor of the girlfriends apartment as
there was no room for him. It was fucking heartbreaking.To make matters worse, he sat
alone every day after school on the steps of the library waiting for his Dad, sometimes
till past 7pm. When I found out I had him over every single day, eating a snack, doing
homework together with my son, eating dinner most nights.
Less than a year later his father asked if I could take him for a while. He had broken o
with the girlfriend and had no where to go, and no where to bring his son. No problem!
Im a single Mom of one son, but I always have room for anyone who needs to stay.
His Dad brought over all of his clothes in a garbage bag - everything he owns. He never
ocially was mine, but I became his adopted Mom since that time, bringing him to
the doctors, going to parent /teacher conferences, music concerts, etc.
He is 19 now and doing fantastic. He made it thru high school at an Honors A/P level,
and then went to college on full scholarship. But better than that, he is an awesome
person: funny, smart, kind, loving. I love my adopted son.
tl:dr Drug addict Mom, non-committed Dad, and a sad little kid who changed our lives.
EDIT = From that one act, I became known as the Mom who takes in kids. I ended up
with 4 semi-adopted kids who stayed with us right thru graduation. All teenage boys the
same age, all with severe family problems. But it was AWESOME. And each is doing
very, very well.
EDIT #2 = Thanks, everyone. Youre making ME cry! And I sincerely mean this - to
my son and I it was no big deal and the joy this kid, and the others, too, brought into
our home was just wonderful. We got back more than we gave. And we still are.
I wish I could take the time to reply to everyone, but there are so many great
comments! Thank you, sincerely!
The dragon breathed its fire,

The gorgon drank its flame,
I held my arms out to it,
And called it by her name.
It turned its head to face me,
1058
And smiled but moved away,
The darkness called it to return;
I knew it couldnt stay.
Then taken from the gorgon,
To another shape unknown,
I found myself within the light,
But lost, afraid, alone.
And when it seemed no other,
Would ease the grief or fright,
A stranger came from out the dark,
And harried o the night.
...
When I grew older dreams of gorgons,
Left in dark to roam,
Faded away each passing day,
As yours became my home.
/u/(deleted user)
That is really awesome. Where is this from?
That poems written for you,
As your story - no big deal -,
Shows the lost that shining knights,
Can in fact be real.
#17 Last night, I heard a little boy beg his mom not to go
into a liquor store. Reddit, what things have you overheard
that have broken your heart?
2012-08-03 18:16:52
/u/haikuginger
Some background: I live in Oklahoma, where the only place you can purchase alcohol
besides low-point beer is in a licensed, dedicated liquor store, which can only be open
at certain times of day. Anyway, Im heading to the one by my house to get a bottle of
Scotch. Im walking in, when I hear a little boy crying, Mommy, you cant go in there!
You dont need liquor! His mom replies, Yes, I do! Now shut up and wait in the car!
I havent really been able to think of much else since then. Reddit, what have you
1059
overheard thats weighed down your heart and mind since youve heard it?
/u/(deleted user)
For my sons 9th birthday I took my son and a handful of friends to the movies, then to
pizza, then they all slept over. On the way home from pizza the kids were commenting
on great the night was, and were saying thank you, etc. . . I said in reply We love having
kids over! Out of the blue one boy quietly whispered to me My Mom doesnt love me.
Broke my heart into bits. I asked why he said that, and he said, She always left me. I
would wake up and she would be gone.
Come to find out, he had just been placed with his Dad that he barely knew. The State
had taken him away from his Mom for neglect - leaving him every night alone to go to
the bar. It had been going on for years and the neighbors would hear him crying alone
and call the cops. She is a raging alcoholic and a drug addict, still.
His Dad had only met him once before, and was currently living with a new girlfriend, and
she didnt like kids. His son was now sleeping on the floor of the girlfriends apartment as
there was no room for him. It was fucking heartbreaking.To make matters worse, he sat
alone every day after school on the steps of the library waiting for his Dad, sometimes
till past 7pm. When I found out I had him over every single day, eating a snack, doing
homework together with my son, eating dinner most nights.
Less than a year later his father asked if I could take him for a while. He had broken o
with the girlfriend and had no where to go, and no where to bring his son. No problem!
Im a single Mom of one son, but I always have room for anyone who needs to stay.
His Dad brought over all of his clothes in a garbage bag - everything he owns. He never
ocially was mine, but I became his adopted Mom since that time, bringing him to
the doctors, going to parent /teacher conferences, music concerts, etc.
He is 19 now and doing fantastic. He made it thru high school at an Honors A/P level,
and then went to college on full scholarship. But better than that, he is an awesome
person: funny, smart, kind, loving. I love my adopted son.
tl:dr Drug addict Mom, non-committed Dad, and a sad little kid who changed our lives.
EDIT = From that one act, I became known as the Mom who takes in kids. I ended up
with 4 semi-adopted kids who stayed with us right thru graduation. All teenage boys the
same age, all with severe family problems. But it was AWESOME. And each is doing
very, very well.
EDIT #2 = Thanks, everyone. Youre making ME cry! And I sincerely mean this - to
my son and I it was no big deal and the joy this kid, and the others, too, brought into
our home was just wonderful. We got back more than we gave. And we still are.
I wish I could take the time to reply to everyone, but there are so many great
comments! Thank you, sincerely!
The dragon breathed its fire,
The gorgon drank its flame,
I held my arms out to it,
1060
And called it by her name.
It turned its head to face me,
And smiled but moved away,
The darkness called it to return;
I knew it couldnt stay.
Then taken from the gorgon,
To another shape unknown,
I found myself within the light,
But lost, afraid, alone.
And when it seemed no other,
Would ease the grief or fright,
A stranger came from out the dark,
And harried o the night.
...
When I grew older dreams of gorgons,
Left in dark to roam,
Faded away each passing day,
As yours became my home.
#16 I love waking up a few hours early just to drink coee

and watch the news. Reddit, when did you first realize you
were getting old?
2012-08-01 21:23:19
/u/AUkSIG
Also I have to trim my nose hair.
1061
/u/birdbiscuit
When I realized that playing board games and having a glass of wine with a few friends
was better than clubbing on a Friday night.
Edit: I dont have time to respond to everyone. But, some common ques-
tions/assumptions answered. . . I am in my early 30s, I am a girl, I have never played
D&D or anything like it (not hating on D&D, just never played), I dont have an OKCu-
pid account, and board games are just fine at any age. This Friday night activity is just
dierent from what I used to do. That is all. Enjoy your games!
It wasnt with the grey hairs;
When the charts showed only rap.
It wasnt when a happy hour,
Became a lunch-time nap.
It wasnt with the train set,
(That the children mustnt play).
I didnt get the Twilight Craze,
Or Fifty Shades of Grey.
Nor was it when I felt,
The morning after even though,
I stayed indoors the night before,
To catch the Matlock show.
I guess, for me, I realised,
That Id advanced in years,
When I preferred a board game,
To a night of clubs and beers.
1062
#15 Both sweet n sad.
2012-07-30 22:43:25
/u/Milandt
[Link]
For the man in the photo:
I wish I could tell you,
That smile that you miss,
Or the smell of her hair,
And the taste of her kiss,
Hadnt passed by like every,
First line in a verse,
Away from its start-point,
For better, or worse.
I cant, though I want to,
Help bring back that bliss,
And it means little now,
But I can tell you this:
Youll both laugh again,
When your time here is done -
At a bench midst the green,
In the warm summer sun.
1063
#14 On the other hand: What is something you dont
like, but pretend you do?
2012-07-30 00:10:33
/u/(deleted user)
For me the big one is drinking alcohol.

I just do it for the social bonding aspect.
It tastes bitter, it is expensive as hell, and if you drink too much you become full on
retarded. I would much rather get high.
/u/Migikal
Babies. And pictures of babies. As a girl im totally supposed to get all excited and
squeal at a picture of someones brothers girlfriends nephews godson or whatever. I
genuinely could not care less.
The problem with babes,
If I may be so bold,
Is that when they are born,
They look eighty years old.
Parents show me their sprog,
With a proud, loving grin,
(And I smile even though,
Theyre as ugly as sin).
So as soon as theyre gone,
With their other white meat,
I thank god that for me,
Theres no patter of feet.
1064
#13 A friend of mine lives in Grenada and found this on
his roommates bed...
2012-07-26 15:18:05
/u/roparksie
[Link]
/u/I Circumcise Cats
What the fuck is that?! Tell me that isnt real.
/u/EnvoySix
That, dear lad or lass, is a Nightmare Bug. Scientifically under the class Arachnida, these
arent really bugs at all! The fascinating thing about them is their diet and reproductive
habits. You see, these creatures feed on the beads of sweat that form during a particularly
violent nightmare. Theyve even adapted themselves to encourage their hosts to produce
more of their favorite sustenance by means of those small spines located on their forward
most legs and the potent hallucinogenic they produce.
As for mating, when two Nightmare Bugs meet, they engage in protracted courtship
battle. The dominant becomes the female and, after taking the males sperm, lays eggs
in the corners of the human eye where they absorb the secretions of our lacrimal glands.
And thats where the sleepdust you have in the morning comes from, the discarded egg
shells of the Nightmare Bug.
1065
In dead of night, upon a thread,
With no one there to fend,
A shape comes crawling from the dark,
And whilst you sleep, descend.
On spindly legs and bristled tips,
It lightly takes its place,
Your sleeping mind can feel its weight,
Your pulse begins to race.
Above, it does the dance of dreams,
It shudders and it sighs,
Its almost hidden in the dark,
The night glows from its eyes.
Now restless dreams; you cannot breathe,
In sleep, you beg and plead,
The Nightmare Bug lowers its head,
And slowly starts to feed. . .
#12 Then we told everyone that she ran away never to

be found. But we know the truth
2012-07-25 23:20:12
/u/not proud of this
[Link]
Though most I write are fun and mild, heres a verse to scare your child -
Confession Bear
1066
The day the bad thing happened,
The day that it occurred,
The day that I just cant forget,
Started with a bird.
Ma and Pa and I had walked,
Out to the border trees,
A silver thrush flew overhead,
Uplifted on the breeze.
Us three, we watched it as it flew,
My pa said lets return,
His belly rumbled - how we laughed!
(. . . a sound for which I yearn).
For when we spied the door ajar,
My pa dropped to his paws,
(Still I can remember,
the sound made by his claws).
We crept inside, we saw the mess,
All oats and splintered wood,
We heard the snores from overhead,
And pa was gone for good.
(When pa gets angry I get scared,
His heckles rise, incisors bared,
A low growl murmurs, claws extend,
He spies the stairs; starts to ascend).
The sound is dim - my ma, in fright,
Has covered up my ears,
But mued sounds come from above,
1067
All distant cries and tears.
And then its over - pa comes down,
And ma says, Is it done?
Pa nods once, he wipes his mouth,
And looks to me, his son.
We mustnt ever talk of this,
You ken? I nod, dismayed,
Good, he says, then motions me,
To fetch the garden spade.
Now ten years later, that old lie,
That I told in my youth,
Is long forgotten; long believed,
But me? I know the truth.
#11 I added some new greeting card categories to my

local grocery store
2012-07-24 22:52:11
/u/pleatedjeans
[Link]
/u/justleaveit
http://i.imgur.com/fJQI2.jpg
1068
I heard the news that youre not well, so heres a card thats super-swell.
Get Worse
Oh, Ive been ever so worried,
Since I heard the awful news,
Your illness spread they tell me,
And I bet youve got the blues.
Well, heres a card to tell you,
Now Ive heard that youve improved. . .
I hope you fucking relapse,
And your penis gets removed.
#10 Put some googly eyes on my pregnant wifes belly.

Result: complete success.
2012-07-21 23:30:00
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
I cant be the only one who thinks pregnant stomachs are fucking gross. And Im saying
this as a woman.
1069
I cant wait to have a sister,
Said my seven year old son,
Ill have someone to play with,
And Im sure that shell be fun.
But five months into pregnancy,
(So happy theyd be close),
My loving ospring said to me,
Your stomachs fucking gross.
#9 How to become the most hated person on campus

2012-07-21 19:55:36
/u/simon wang12
[Link]
/u/slr8692
oh god, I can hear it. . .
1070
A jingle sounds across the hall.
You raise your head and listen.
From far away, that sound comes near,
And something starts to glisten.
You groan and let your head drop back,
You wish him sudden pain,
For now you recognise that sound -
The bell ends back again.
The nickname fits; it suits his style,
He made the bag his own. . . ,
You want someone to jump him and,
Break each and every bone.
#8 Wildebeest (x-post from r/gifs)

2012-07-20 00:21:47
/u/Jabingo19
[Link]
This story I heard from a Hare,
Who traded it for something rare,
(At least, thats what he said to me,
Though you know how rabbits can be.)
The story, which has scarce been told,
Talks of Wildebeest of Old,
And of a cyle that first started,
1071
When the globe was still uncharted.
It begins. . .
Two Wildebeest; one old, one young,
Both sick of grass and smell of dung,
Went on a journey cross the plains,
To seek some fairer, better gains.
Said younger beest to older friend,
Before our Wilde-journeys end,
Well drink from waters pure and still,
Well find a home; I know we will.
Said older beest, I think youre right,
And there! he said, Within my sight,
I see a shimmering, flowing stream,
Were here! he said, so it did seem.
As they approached, they saw ahead,
Two Wildebeest, both thoroughbred,
They seemed to argue, from afar,
Then one did something quite bizarre.
He moved right to the rivers edge,
And with a sudden, solemn pledge,
Said Its a Croc! It is, its true!,
Just wait and Ill prove it to you!
He stamped his foot and stepped on out,
And then, without a sound or shout,
(Or anything for them to hear,)
Seemed to simply disappear!
The youngest beest was well amazed,
1072
The oldest (who seemed quite unphased,)
Shaking his head, approached the gnu,
Who made a lowing Wilde-moo.
The youngest watched, and saw his friend,
Talk to the beest, who met his end,
A moment later - he stepped out,
And disapeared without a doubt.
The youngest beest went to his double,
He saw some wood, said Whats the trouble?,
Thats just a log. The stars aligned.
Two wildebeest came from behind.
#7 My son is sick. These two take care of him.

2012-07-15 01:35:33
/u/Tylzen
[Link]
1073
Said Kitty A to Kitty B,
Our work is here and now,
There isnt time to play with string,
Or stop for a meow.
Said B to A, Of course, youre right,
Our smallest humans sick.
Wed best do something helpful,
And wed better do it quick!
So Kitty A and Kitty B,
(Who knew just what to do),
Climbed aboard the poor boys bed. . . ,
And slept the whole night through.
#6 Dont forget to pick up some extra batteries with

those!
2012-07-15 01:10:34
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
/u/reflythis
Its for the book light, right?
1074
Last night I heard a buzzing sound,
It came right through my wall,
The noise came from my mummys room,
Across the upstairs hall.
Whats that? I thought. I rose from bed,
And crossed the bedroom floor,
I walked up to my mummys room,
And knocked upon the door.
I heard a stifled shuing noise,
The buzzing shut o quick,
I heard deep breaths sound from within,
And asked: Hey mum, you sick?
And between shallow, bated breaths,
My mum said, Go away!,
Go back to bed, its just my book,
Fifty Shades of Grey.
#5 I have sex daily

2012-07-14 22:56:17
1075
/u/babybalugawhale
[Link]
I once had dyslexia,
But then it went away.
Cant say I really miss it,
Though it might come back somdeay.
#4 Instant Karma. (GIF)

2012-07-14 20:36:46
/u/EnemySoil
[Link]
1076
My name is Steve, the Justice Bin,
I judge all those I see.
(Theres nothing worse than morons,
As Im sure youll all agree).
They call me Steve, the Justice Bin,
For I know what to do,
And if youve been a moron,
Ive a message just for you:
My name is Steve, the Justice Bin,
And if you try to kick me in,
Ill do a speedy ninja-spin,
And twat you on the chin.
#3 I think she made a friend

2012-07-14 00:28:07
/u/DJMRB
[Link]
/u/CATALANOpunch
however cute they may be, deer are actually pretty dangerous, especially around dogs. I
have unfortunately witnessed one killing a dog, saddest thing ever. . .
1077
As I walked in the forest,
With my head held high in cheer,
I heard a sound and spun around,
And spied a spotted deer.
It looked out from behind a tree,
And started to come nearer,
I, beauty struck, approached the buck,
So that Id see him clearer.
My lovely pup, a lab named Rex,
Strained at his lead and whined,
Shut up, mutt, or youll get butt,
I said, far too unkind.
(I didnt know then, dont you see?
That Cervidae are cruel,
Or that my pup would soon play up,
And end as deer fuel.)
The lead slipped from my fingers,
My dog ran to the deer,
With a final snatch, I tried to catch,
That puppy by the ear.
Without a sound, the deer stared,
He watched me lose control,
He bent to meet my puppy sweet,
And swallowed poor Rex whole.
So if you are out walking,
Your head held high in cheer,
1078
Be sure to keep your puppy close,
And watch out for the deer. . .
#2 Oh, Bob.
2012-07-13 23:25:49
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
When the lions had their dinner do,
The bears were all excited,
(Theyd never dined with kings before,
And so were quite delighted).
They only wished that Uncle Steve,
Whod always talked of lions,
Hadnt disappeared last month,
On his way to Brians.
They washed their fur,
They clipped their claws,
They cleaned their teeth,
And shone their paws.
1079
And when it got to time to go,
They looked around and smiled,
Well my dear, said Papa Bear,
Were going up in the wild.
But when they got to lions house,
He said, Wed better leave,
Whatever for? Mama Bear cried,
...
Cos that rugs Uncle Steve!
#1 Welcome to Scotland
2012-07-13 23:15:30
/u/simon wang12
[Link]
1080
Whilst travelling in Scotland,
On my way to toss a caber,
My van broke down quite near a loch,
My wife went into labour.
I looked around to find some help,
But not a car came by,
A kilted man went cycling passed,
And said Bus soon, och aye
(I still dont know what och aye means,
But blessed the cycling stranger,
I told my missus not to worry,
That wed avoid the danger).
And when the bus eventually came,
I didnt feel so nervous,
Until I saw the sodding sign,
It said: Ahm no in service!
1081

Poem For Your Sprog - Collected Works

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Poem For Your Sprog - Collected Works

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The Collected Reddit Poetry of /u/Poem for your sprog

September 21, 2016

Its hitting the snooze button all the way down.

Today Ill change the world, I thought,

The moments come; the past has passed;

I promise this, I thought to say:

#1044 What do you wish still existed from your child-

/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]

From Turkey to Thailand;

From charters to patents;

He started with Ernie -

#1043 What do you wish still existed from your child-

/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]

He cant go out! He shant go out!

The worlds a dark and dreadful place

Theres evil beasts at every bend,

Oh dearest darling wife of mine,

So Little Timmys mum agreed,

And Timmy fucking died.

#1042 911 operators, whats the dumbest call youve ever

I have a few favorite stories

Care to share more? :)

Heres another fave:

Did he say who came first?

Well it definitely wasnt the egg.

/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]

Twas in the Fall, I still recall,

#1041 Whats your fuck, not again story?

I cant believe youre gay, he cried,

They lay undressed and bare in bed -

#1040 Whats your fuck, not again story?

/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]

You need, she said, to set me free,

Its just a random twist of chance,

And so, she cried, and stood with pride:

I cant think too much about it or it starts making me way sad.

Im gonna save so much money when Im dead. I cant wait.

When Little Timmy fucking died,

Im sorry lad - its looking bad,

Its gonna cost a deal indeed,

Of course, youll need to move the ax

Im sorry, lad, he spoke again:

Youll have to work. . . for good.

Now look, said the Genie, I told you before:

And so, with the wave of a hand and a smile,

#1037 What were you taught in school that you later

North, she smiled and sagely stated,

See, she said, convinced completely,

Now its here! she sighed, excited;

NO ITS NOT, I said, frustrated.

#1036 What is something random you would like to share

Ive wondered and wandered and pondered, I said:

Ive read and reflected and reasoned for years -

So tell me, I whispered, and comfort the curse!

He thought for a moment: . . . It just sort of rhymed.

#1035 What are some fake NSFW pro-tips that would

When Little Timmy took an E

He waited half a seconds span -

Perhaps it takes a few before

And Timmy fucking died.

#1034 Gynecologists of Reddit, what do you look for in

So since all other answers have been joke answers. . .

I thought OP meant what do you look for as in someone youre dating.