How To Write An Essay

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-- Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
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There are those who say that before you can research or write, you must first choose a focus and stick to
it. While that is good advice in some cases, there are times when your focus should change during the
research process. For example, you might decide to write on a topic only to discover a more interesting,
more relevant, or more easily researched topic while trying to find materials on the original topic. For this
reason, you should not submit a proposal for an essay (if required) or otherwise make your focus concrete
until you've done some preliminary research. That doesn't mean reading every book on the subject; rather,
you should ascertain what sorts of materials are available on the subject at all. When you do your basic
search, keep in mind the following indications:
£f you find an endless supply of possible sources right away, your topic is too broad, and you'll have
to dig down into the subject more deeply to find a more suitable focus.
£f you can't find any possible sources after a serious search, your topic may be too narrow or too
new. While this could serve as an excellent topic for a thesis in that it provides opportunity for
original study, it is probably going to be inappropriate f or an early-university or high school essay.
The £nternet is a fabulous source of knowledge. £t is also a fabulous source of utter nonsense. £f all
of your sources are £nternet-based and you can't find any book sources, you have to seriously
consider the validity of the subject matter for a university essay. Even cutting -edge technology has
books and articles available that describe the basics of the technology.
£f all of the sources seem to be written by the same person or group of people, you must again
seriously consider the validity of the topic. £t might be too narrow, or it might be generated by
'crackpots,' or it might be a great topic that has not been wri tten about often enough. Discuss the
topic with your teacher/professor.
£f you find a good source, search again under the author's name in case they have another useful
book that you didn't find in the first search.
Assuming you don't have any of the above problems in your preliminary research, you should now be
ready to choose a focus for your essay. £n your notes, come up with a brief focus statement to help guide
yourself. This doesn't have to be grammatically perfect, and if you wish, it can be in the f orm of a question.
The point is to give yourself a guide by which to judge research as you find it. For example, here is a fake
topic (don't fret about what widget watching is, £ just made it up):
½

Ô ood sources:
Î oe Smith: His Life and Times, by Sally Superwriter
Î Widget Watching in the Late 1800s, by Michelle Bogus
Î http://www.website.com/joesmith/widgetwatching.html
Î Article in Widgets Monthly: oe Smith, Portrait of a Widget Watcher, by ean
Doorknocker
Ô Possible Sources:
Î Widget Watchers in History, by Frank Diddledum (may or may not contain anything
about oe Smith)
Î oe Smith's Studies in Moose Physiology, by Noreen Numpkin (may or may not
contain anything about widget watching, but since the essay is also on his life, there
might be good information here)
Ô Bad Sources:
Î reat Widget Watchers of the 1950s, by Herbert Hogswatch
Î Prehistoric Widgets by Frank Diddledum
Î ane Doe: A Widgetress' Life, by Sally Superwriter (unless she had influence on
oe Smith, her information is probably irrelevant)
Î Article in Widgets Monthly: How to Spot a Widget at 500m, by Alfredo Frinkenhuven
Notice how the value of the sources change when the focus changes:
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Ô ood sources:
Î Widget Watchers in History
Î Widget Watching in the Late 1800s
Î http://www.website.com/joesmith/widgetwatching.html
Î reat Widget Watchers of the 1950s
Î Prehistoric Widgets
Ô Possible Sources:
Î oe Smith: His Life and Times (only as it applies to widget watching)
Î Article in Widgets Monthly: oe Smith, Portrait of a widget watcher (only as it applies
to Widget Watching)
Î ane Doe: A Widgetress' Life (only as it applies to widget watching)
Î Article in Widgets Monthly: How to Spot a Widget at 500m (depending on the
content)
Ô Bad Sources:
Î oe Smith's Studies in Moose Physiology
Notice that because the topic broadened to cover all of widget watching, the number of good sources
increased.
During your research, you may discover all kinds of interesting facts about related topics. £n the example
above, you might have learned that ane Doe was desperately but secretly in love with oe Smith. But
unless that love directly affected the field of widget watching, the information is irrelevant to the second
focus. £t is only relevant to the first focus if it affected oe Smith; so if he didn't know about it, it probably
isn't relevant. You must stick to your focus in your writing, and avoid throwing in random factoids,
regardless of how interesting they may seem. Otherwise, the essay becomes too long and disjointed. £t can
be frustrating to not use what seems to be a good bit of information, but unless you can work it into your
focus well, you'll have to learn to set such things aside.
Of course, if a bit of interesting information fits the focus, by all means work it into the essay!

"#$#

Now that you have your focus and have selected a good set of sources, it's time to rea d and make notes.
£'d recommend using paper with a margin, for reasons that will become apparent in Part 2. For the rest of
these tips and instructions, let's assume that our focus is the first example, "The life of oe Smith (1856-
1902) and how he contributed to the field of widget watching."
Some sources will only have selected paragraphs, pages, or chapters that fit the focus, so manage your
time by reading the relevant information first. £f your personal interest in the topic drives you to read more
later, that's great, but getting your essay finished on time is important. With general books, such as Widget
Watching in the Late 1800s, go through the chapter listing if there is one, and/or the index if there is one.
Look for key items related to oe Smith, such as his name or other elements. For example, Widget
Watching of the Late 1800s has no chapter on oe Smith, but it does list the following in the index:
New York Widget Watchers (and you know that Smith was from New York), pages 26-29, 49
Smith, oe, pages 4, 26-29, 37, 49, 92 -105
Widgetiscope (which you know Smith invented), pages 16, 93 -94, 138
You should check each listed page for oe Smith in case it has useful information, but you can make an
educated guess that anything with multiple pages (26-29 and 92-105) will probably have more than just
mention of his name. Also, by cross-referencing to other elements you know involve your focus, you can
find information that you might have otherwise missed, as in the extra pages on the widgetiscope. Chances
are, Smith's widgetiscope had an impact on widget watching, so information on it might fit your fo cus even
if it doesn't mention Smith's name each and every time.
As you read through the sources and find useful information, write it down (or type it, if you're using a
computer) in your notes as completely as possible. ½ %#
# !

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# & &# ' £t's incredibly
frustrating to be halfway through writing an essay and want to use a quotation you've noted but you can't
because you didn't write down where you got the quotation from. You either have to flip through all the
sources looking for it, or you can't use it because you'd be plagiarising if you used it without attribution.
A good way to make life easier for keeping track of which note is from what source is to keep a separate
sheet (or set of sheets) or computer document for each source, and write out the full bibliographic
information at the top of the sheet or source. Then just include the page number beside each note. Also,
be sure to put quotation marks around things you've quoted directly to make sure you don't confuse them
with your own paraphrasings later. For example:
Widget Watching in the Late 1800s, by Michelle Bogus, Publishers Anonymous £nc., New York, 1968
the widgetiscope was invented in 1891 in New York, page 16

"By far, oe Smith's most important contribution to the field of wid get watching was the
widgetiscope." page 93
Phineas oofius tried to claim he invented the widgetiscope, but Smith proved him a liar, page 94
the widgetiscope works by placing the widget on the slide, adjusting the focus, and then monitoring
the behaviour of the widget, page 138
...and so forth down the page...
You may find that some sources disagree with what other sources said. This does invalidate a source.
As you will see in Part 6, you can make your essay even stronger by playing sources off of one another. You
should make your notes as complete as possible, noting anything that could be of use in the writing. £t's
much easier to scrap useless bits later than to sit down to write and find out you're short on information or
missing key details.
Keep in mind that any source can be biased or otherwise flawed. Any book, magazine, newspaper, or
website may be produced by a person or organization with a distinct bent on things. £f you are writing an
essay on the U.S. Civil War and all of your sources are staunch Confederates, your essay will have a
significant bias. £f your essay focuses on parapsychology and all of your sources are tabloid newspapers,
you're probably missing some important scientific writings both for and against the topic. £t's okay to use a
biased source, so long as you recognize that it is biased and counteract it with an opposing or neutral
source. £f you have good reason to suspect bias, be sure to present that as part of your analysis of what the
source has to say.
While you're researching and making notes, if a brilliant way to present something in your essay occurs to
you, write it down. For example, you may suddenly think of a wonderful opening or closing sentence, or a
great way to phrase a particular element. Put it down in the notes immediately before you forget it. You
can always choose not to use it later.
Once you've done your research, you're ready to compile the notes in such a way that will make it easier to
eventually do the writing. £f you have to write a proposal and h aven't already done so, do that now.
c ( &) "

Now that you've done the bulk of your research, you should have several pages (on the computer, on
paper, or both) of point-form notes. £n those notes should be full quotations you intend to use or
paraphrase later, as well as general notes that you've already summarized or paraphrased. £f you sit down
to write the essay with this pile of unsorted stuff, inevitably you'll have trouble deciding where to begin
and you'll keep leaving things o ut. £t is much easier to group the notes, plan the essay, and then write,
rather than trying to stick random bits in as you go.
This is where a good supply of coloured pens or highlighters comes in handy (on the computer, you can
make use of a word processor's various coloured highlighting tools). £f these things are unavailable, you
can still make do by coming up with notations that indicate the different sections and writing them beside
the individual points in the notes.
Look at your focus. Chances are it has several different elements to it, and now is the time to break out
those elements separately. Don't worry about what element should come first or last, that will be sorted
out in the planning stage next. For now, you're just going to group your notes according to where they fit
into your focus.
For our pretend focus of "The life of oe Smith (1856 -1902) and how he contributed to the field of widget
watching," we would pick out the following subtopics:
oe Smith's personal life

oe Smith's contributions to widget watching
widget watching information
£n some cases, the subtopics themselves may contain further subgroups, so break those out as well:

Ô childhood
Ô schooling
Ô things that lead Smith to widget watching
Ô adult life
Ô death
Ô the New York group
Ô the widgetiscope
Ô Smith's publications on widget watching
Ô other contributions he made
Widget watching information
Ô definition of widget and widget watching
Ô brief mention of widget watching during Smith's lifetime
Now, assign colours and/or notations to the subgroups right on your written list, so you don't forget what
you meant later. Your choices here will vary according to your personal preferences. You may wish to use
letters representing the group that are simply alphabetical, or that directly represent the word. Most of
mine represent the word:
oe Smith's personal life - blue highlighter

Ô childhood - blue highlighter plus C
Ô schooling - blue highlighter plus S
Ô things that lead Smith to widget watching - blue highlighter plus X (X is for "extra" in my
head)
Ô adult life - blue highlighter plus A
Ô death - blue highlighter plus D
oe Smith's contributions to widget watching - pink highlighter
Ô the New York group - pink highlighter plus NY
Ô the widgetiscope - pink highlighter plus W
Ô Smith's publications on widget watching - pink highlighter plus P
Ô other contributions he made - pink highlighter plus O
Widget watching information - yellow highlighter
Ô definition of widget and widget watching - yellow highlighter plus D
Ô brief mention of widget watching during Smith's lifetime - yellow highlighter plus X
£f £ didn't have highlighters available, £ probably would substitute by putting letters representing the main
groups before the ones representing subgroups, such as PERS-D indicating a note about his death, CONT -
NY indicating a contribution relating to the New York group, or WW-D indicating a widget watching
definition.
Now go through the notes and attack them with the highlighters and/or letter de scriptions, so you can tell
at a glance whether each page has something relating to a part of the essay, such as shown in the following
graphic:
[d]
The same notes on the computer might look like this:
Widget Watching in the Late 1800s, by Michelle Bogus, Publishers Anonymous £nc., New York, 1968
the widgetiscope was invented in 1891 in New York, page 16 (*"

"By far, oe Smith's most important contribution to the field of Widget Wat ching was the
Widgetiscope." page 93 (*"
Phineas oofius tried to claim he invented the widgetiscope, but Smith proved him a liar, page 94
the widgetiscope works by placing the widget on the slide, adjusting the focus, and then monitoring
the behaviour of the widget, page 138 (*"
"£t was Smith's teacher Brian ooglebrains that first introduced Smith to the field of widgetry."
page 93 c+
the New York group gave Smith funding, page 27 (*" ")
You will have to decide whether some points better fit one group than another, but do decide now rather
than accidentally repeating yourself later. £f you change your mind later, make note of it directly on the
page. You will also find that some notes don't fit any category. Chances are, these are things that should be
left out. You still have them written down if you decide to include them, but don't try and make every note
fit your groups.
£n going through the notes this way, you may find that you have managed to completely forget to look up
information on a section, or the information you do have is too little. Doing this at an early stage allows
you time to go back and find more information, if possible.
Once you have your notes thusly in order, you're ready to start planning out your essay.
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-- Enrique ardiel Poncela
You've gone from an idea, to research, to a pile of random notes, to categorized notes. You're now ready
to start planning how the essay will fit together.
Formal essays differ from informal essays in several ways, most of which will be covered in the section on
writing. During the planning stage, you need to kno w whether or not the essay is going to be a formal one.
£f the teacher or professor didn't specify, they probably want it to be formal. An informal essay is one that
doesn't necessarily rely on structure to make its point, such as an essay explaining how y ou personally feel
on a given subject, or what you did last summer. Formal essays must have an underlying structure that
makes sense so the reader doesn't have to wonder where you're going with your points.
For most of these instructions and tips, we'll as sume you're working on a formal essay.
Start by putting the subgroups that you pulled out of your focus into a logical order. Consider the reader's
point of view: they may not have read all the sources you have on your topic, and might need definitions
first. £f you're discussing a person's life and contributions as in our example, it's probably more logical to
describe the person and their life before bringing in the bits about their contributions. £f your subject is a
historical overview of anything, it u sually makes sense to move chronologically.
£f you'll eventually be typing the entire essay on a computer, now would be a good time to move from
written notes to computer documents. Here is how £ would begin planning our example essay with the
subgroups:
Widget watching information

Ô definition of widget and widget watching
Ô brief mention of widget watching during Smith's lifetime
Ô childhood
Ô schooling
Ô adult life
Ô death
Ô the widgetiscope
Next, plan in the introduction and conclusion, and make sure each fits with the outline so far. £n our
example, £ would include the widget watching information in an introductory paragraph, so £'ll absorb that
into the introduction in the outline:
£ntroduction
Ô Widget watching information
Î definition of widget and widget watching
Î brief mention of widget watching during Smith's life time
Ô childhood
Ô schooling
Ô adult life
Ô death
Ô the widgetiscope
Conclusion
Ô summary of why Smith was important to widget watching
Now it's time to add in the notes. o through your notes and type in (or cut and paste, if they're already on
the computer) the highlighted bits. Don't worry about their order yet, just make sure you get everything
into the outline for now. Of course, £'m just making up the following for an example, and the outline could
be much longer for a real topic.
£ntroduction
Ô Widget Watching information
Î definition of widget and widget watching
Î widget watching is.... page 27 Diddledum
Î dictionary definition of widget, page 408 Oxford
Î brief mention of widget watching during Smith's lifetime
Î widget watching reached its scientific height in the 1880s, page 203-204
Diddledum
Î widget watching is alive and well today (not attributed, common fact)
Ô childhood
Î born 1856 in Scotland, page 4 Superwriter
Î orphaned in 1858 because of a plague, page 5 Superwriter
Î adopted by an American couple in 1859, page 7 Superwriter
Î moved to the US in 1860, page 7 Superwriter
Ô schooling
Î went to the best schools money could buy, page 15 Superwriter
Î was top of his class, page 15 Superwriter
Î "£t was Smith's teacher Brian ooglebrains that first introduced Smith to the field of
widgetry." page 93 Bogus
Î widgetry gave Smith an escape from bullies that picked on him for being socially
awkward, page 37 Doorknocker
Î so he took widgetry at the University of Randomstate, page 18 Superwriter
Ô adult life
Î never married, Superwriter and Doorknocker
Î buried himself in widgetry, Superwriter and Doorknocker
Î "His complete absorption into his studies resulted in him being a sad, bitter old man
in his later years." page 39 Doorknocker
Ô death
Î died 1902 (not attributed, common knowledge)
Î death was probably due to heart attack, page 86 Superwriter
Î new information shows he committed suicide by swallowing widgets, page 39
Doorknocker
Î the New York group gave Smith funding, page 27 Bogus
Î "Smith's comrades in New York were closer to him than anyone else, including
family." page 54 Superwriter
Î New York group was going to kick him out after his drunken display at the Christmas
party, according to recently discovered letters, which is probably why he committed
suicide, page 39 Doorknocker
Ô the widgetiscope
Î the widgetiscope was invented in 1891 in New York, page 16 Bogus
Î "By far, oe Smith's most important contribution to the field of widget watching w as
the widgetiscope." page 93 Bogus
Î the widgetiscope works by placing the widget on the slide, adjusting the focus, and
then monitoring the behaviour of the widget, page 138 Bogus
Î his inspiration for the widgetiscope came in a dream, page 48 Superwriter
Î the dream may actually have been a drunken stupor during which he passed out in
his lab, page 38 Doorknocker
Î the widgetiscope revolutionized widget watching by.... various citations and analysis
Î Publication 1 and its relevance
Î contributed to Publication X by fellow NY group member Zwinkle, which had such -
and-such effect
Î spoke at liberty to the mainstream press, thus bringing widget watching into the
public sphere, page 102 Superwriter
Conclusion
Ô summary of why Smith was important to widget watching
Î invented the all-important widgetiscope
Î brought widget watching to public
Î contributed to colleagues' work
Now go back through that list and cut-and-paste the elements within each subgroup into an appropriate
order. When you've finished, read over the entire outline from start to finish. Does it make sense? £s there
a reasonable flow? £f there are gaps, you may need to go back to your notes or do more research to fill
them. £f you're having trouble deciding on an order in a subgroup, make it work as best as you can, and it
may straighten itself out logically next in the writing phase. £f something really doesn't fit, perhaps you
should consider removing it from the essay, because perhaps it's unimportant and would just jar the
reader.
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-- Epictetus
Now that you have a solid outline, it's time to knit the point -form bits together into formal prose. Part of
this will just be creating proper sentences out of the notes, but much of it will be putting in your analysis
and segues. £t is this second part that makes the difference between a ho -hum regurgitation and an essay
that actually has something to say. £n my opinion, it is the main difference between a B paper and an A
paper. Anyone can read and regurgitate, but it takes skill to analyse and bring things together to make an
overall coherent point.
Writing your essay is like building a brick wall: if you leave gaping holes all over the place, the entire
structure will be weak at best, and may crumble entirely. Even though you're now educated on your topic
and think much of it is obvious, it is essential to assume your reader doesn't know much about the topic,
unless otherwise specified in the assignment. You should assume your reader knows what the average
layperson knows about the subject and write accordingly. This means you should explain what things do,
who people are, and how it all fits together instead of just assuming something about your topic is
common knowledge. £t is better to have a couple sentences that are obvious than to leave the reader
confused.
But writing to be understood takes more than stating all the facts. £t means your prose itself must be clear
and uncomplicated. You can explain very complex ideas without having complex text. This mean
you should dumb-down your vocabulary. £t means that you should make sure you're using words correctly
in proper grammatical sentences. £f you don't know what a word means or how to use it, look it up or don't
use it. Your prose should be free of ambiguity. Sentences should not be choppy, but neither should they
run on beyond a single idea. Paragraphs should be logical structures, not random space breaks. £f you must
say something in a complicated way spanning several sentences, try adding a sentence to summarize the
idea. £n other words, make every effort possible to be clear about each point in the essay.
(Notice that the last sentence of the above paragraph does precisely what the second last sentence
suggests.)
å # #
# # &
# . #' £nstead of providing a list here of things
you should or should not do in your writing, £'ve included examples of good and bad writing in Part 7,
ust because one of your sources uses bad grammar, hyperbole, or other examples of poor writing, that
doesn't mean you should replicate the error. This is especially true of web sources, many of which are not
reviewed and edited with the same attention to detail that books are. Some sources may be writt en for an
audience familiar with the topic, and as such are very complicated. £t is your job as the essay writer to take
the information and present it in a clear fashion for your readers.
The best way to test your essay for readability is to give it to a friend to read over, particularly one not in
the same class. £f they don't understand it, find out why and fix it, then ask them to read it again. Tell them
to mark on the pages anywhere where they are confused by your wording. They don't have to be
grammatical experts to realize that there's something inherently wrong with a sentence.
For now, let's just get the thing written in the first place!
Assuming you're working on a computer, keep your outline document in an open window and begin a new
document for the writing. This is to protect your outline in case you change things around as you write, but
then decide it isn't working and want to backtrack. Furthermore, if you work directly from your outline,
you run the chance of accidentally not typing out a point form note properly. For example, when writing
my book Sorrows of Adoration, £ was working from a 45 page outline and more than once £ took something
like this:
Kurit comes to Aenna's rooms drunk

Ô complains that she's ruining his life
Ô she is coldly sarcastic
Ô Kurit: "Very funny, Aenna. Why don't £ fetch you some balls to juggle at the next Council meeting."
Ô she sarcastically says, "£f that's what your Majesty wishes."
Ô Kurit: "£ won't let that overgrown Champion of yours steal my son."
...and in rewriting it from the outline, ended up with this (errors in bold):
£n the evening, Kurit came to my rooms, ready to fight. £ took a deep breath to calm myself, knowing that
losing my temper with this man would accomplish nothing.
"Well this is just splendid," he began. His words were slightly slurred, and £ knew he was quite drunk.
"You've got my people worshipping you, saying prayers at your statue and praising you as a living oddess.
You've got my cousin and best friend despising me, and now you've got my son choosing arik over me.
How else would you like to destroy me?"
"£ thought perhaps £'d take your armies to Wusul and add a province or two to Keshaerlan. Then £ shall
change the direction of the River Kal just to spite you," £ said coldly.
' "Oh you're very funny, Aenna. £'ll fetch you a set of jester's toys and you can juggle them whilst
standing on your head at the next Council meeting."

# #! "£f that's what your Majesty wishes," £ said with a voice dripping of forced sweetness
as £ rose briefly to curtsey.
His eyes narrowed in fury. "£ won't let that overgrown Champion of yours steal my son," he growled.
So don't work directly from the outline. £nstead, begin writing your opening paragraph and then follow
through the essay, writing as you go and occasionally cutting and pasting the full quotations into your text .
£f there is something in your outline that you have already written as a proper sentence, cut and paste that
in at the appropriate time as well.
As you're knitting the points together, think about them. What do the points mean? What are you saying
overall by including this point? How does it all relate to the overall topic? Don't be redundant and restate
the focus in every paragraph, but make it clear where you're going with each point.
And an invaluable tip for computer users: get into the habit of savin g after EVERY paragraph. £t's awful to
come up with a wonderful way of knitting points together just to have a computer crash or power outage
and lose six paragraphs' worth of thought. You can't ever seem to get the same good flow back again.
Let's now go through our example and illustrate how to knit the points together in a skillful, intelligent
way, section by section.
£
Don't be cheesy in the introduction and conclusion. Don't kiss -up to the teacher or professor by saying how
wonderful the topic they're teaching is. Don't elaborate on how exciting you find the entire thing , unless
it's an informal essay. Don't use hyperbole. Simply introduce the topic and explain what you're going to
write about, without using '£' at all. You may wish to begin with a blocked quotation if you have found one
that really sums up your focus point well. Don't use one just for the sake of starting that way, though.
Compare the following example s of how we could start our widget watching essay:
"By far, oe Smith's most important contribution to the field of widget watching was the widgetiscope"
(Bogus 93).
Although the field of widget watching is ancient, many people don't know about it. Now that £ am taking
Widget Watching 101, £ have learned that it is a very worthwhile study. The field was changed forever by
the invention of the widgetiscope by oe Smith in the 1800s. This essay will talk more about oe Smith, his
life and times, and his contributions to widget watching. £ plan to outline his life and contributions, as well
as provide some basic information on widget watching.
'''*'''
"£n the vast field of widget watching, no one person has made more of a dramatic contribution than oe
Smith" (Doorknocker 37).
Widgets are [insert paraphrased dictionary definition] (Oxford 408). According to Diddledum, widget
watching is the scientific study of widgets and their behaviour in laboratory conditions (27). £n the late
1800s, the field was burgeoning with associations of widget watchers in New York, London, Paris and Cairo
(Diddledum 203 -204). But it was oe Smith, a man whose life was dedicated to widgetry, who elevated the
science to new heights through his contributions.
The second one clearly sounds more like a formal essay introduction.
Of course, it's still a bit awkward, mostly because of the heavy reliance on quotations. Sometimes you can't
avoid the quotations, because you don't want to risk plagiarising. An introduction doesn't have to be done
in one paragraph, and definitions don't necessarily have to come first. Let's try to make the introduction
better by removing some of the initial citations and giving the words some breathing room. We'll keep the
introductory quotation, though, because it's a good, solid statement summarizing why the reader should
care about oe Smith.
"£n the vast field of widget watching, no one person has made more of a dramatic contribution than oe
Smith" (Doorknocker 37).
£n the late 1800s, widget watching was a burgeoning science, with widget watcher associations springing
up in New York, London, Par is and Cairo (Diddledum 203 -204). A member of the New York chapter named
oe Smith elevated the science to new heights through his contributions. Smith's lifelong dedication to
widget watching produced several publications as well as his crowning achieveme nt: the widgetiscope.
watching is the scientific study of widgets and their behaviour in laboratory conditions (27).
This introduction gives the reader the essential information fairly quickly, but draws them in first before
hitting them with the dictionary. £t also establishes the fact that Smith's life story is relevant, and thus hints
that his life will be discussed in the essay. Furthermore, it introduces the concept of the widgetiscope as
something important without getting into the nitty gritty of why it is important.

/ 0 #
Now we knit in the next section according to our outline. Don't just plunk down the next set of facts. Try to
relate each paragraph to the next in some fashion. £n longer essays, you can also use subtopic structures to
break up the prose and avoid having to segue between all sections. Let's do that in this essay, but still put
in sentences that give some kind of overall link:
watching is the scientific study of widgets and their behaviour in laboratory conditions (27). When oe
Smith was born in 1856 (Superwriter 4), this scientif ic version of widget watching was also in its infancy.

.(

Smith was born in Scotland to Amelia and ohn MacLeod. A plague in 1858 killed Amelia and ohn, leaving
two-year-old oe an orphan. With no nearby relatives, oe was placed in an orphanage, where he was
luckily discovered by Nancy and Arthur Smith. The Smiths were an American couple visiting Scotland for
Arthur's research on castles. The orphanage happened to be housed in what had once been a castle, and
the Smiths fell in love with the precocious oe while there. They took the child back to the U.S. with them
in 1860. (Superwriter 4-7)
Note that it isn't necessary to attribute every single sentence in a simple paragraph such as this one if the
entire paragraph is attributed as indicated. The reader can safely assume the facts presented in the
paragraph are a paraphrased version of several pages of history from Superwriter's book. This makes for
easier reading that is also properly attributed. The attribution is outside of the final sent ence. £f it was
inside the sentence, there may be confusion as to whether it was only that sentence being attributed, or
the entire paragraph.
Be careful, however, to not leave long gaps between attributions in this manner. A paragraph is fine, but
several are not. Also, you cannot pull the attributions to the end of the paragraph if there are multiple
sources cited within the paragraph. When in doubt, cite each sentence.
We would then continue in this fashion, knitting the points together into well -written prose, until the end
of the section on his childhood and schooling. Let's skip to the next section, then:
ü ü
According to both Superwriter and Doorknocker, Smith never married, apparently choosing instead to bury
himself in his passion: widget watching. As will be discussed in the next section, he may have had some
friends in the New York group, but "his complete absorption into his studies resulted in him being a sad,
bitter old man in his later years" (Doorknocker 39). His death in 1902 was long thought to have been
caused by a heart attack (Superwriter 86), but recent research indicates that he may have in fact
committed suicide by swallowing some widgets (Doorknocker 39).
When we get to the next section, we can begin by describing what the New York group was to Smith, and
then reintroduce the contradiction between the authors.

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Smith's involvement with the New York Widget Watchers provided him with continual funding (Bogus 27),
and may have also served as a surrogate family in his later years. Superwriter states that, "Smith's
comrades in New York were closer to him than anyone else, including family" (54).
New evidence, h owever, indicates that if the relationship with the New York association once was
harmonious, it eventually decayed. Doorknocker has unearthed memos from the group dated shortly
before Smith's death in 1902 that make mention of the possibility of throwing him out of their ranks due to
increasing drunkenness. A particularly unpleasant display at the group's Christmas party may have been
the last straw (Doorknocker 39).
Although it isn't a certain fact, it is reasonable to consider the possibility that Smith did commit suicide
because of his impending loss of financial and scholarly support. £f this is true, it indicates how deeply
passionate Smith was about widget watching; if he could not continue his studies and was separated from
his colleagues, he seemingly felt that he had no reason to live.
Here we see analysis without overstatement and the presentation of contrary opinions without negating
the essay's focus. When you cannot be certain of something you're stating on your own, be sure to include
couching words and phrases so it cannot be assumed that you are stating absolute facts. £f your analysis
can be stated as fact, however, do use couching words, because they will minimize the impact of your
analysis. When deciding whether or not to use couching words, ask yourself: can £ prove this? £s this a fact
or speculation? £s this a possibility or a certainty ? Don't get caught declaring something is true if you can't
prove it.
Continue through the rest of the outline, knitting the pieces together as above.
(
£n your conclusion, follow the same rules as the introduction: don't kiss -up, don't use '£,' and don't be
cheesy. Also, don't declare the future for certain, tempting though it might be to make grandiose
statements about how your topic will be viewed in the future. Here again is a bad example followed by a
good example:
023
From all this, it is clear than oe Smith changed the field of widget watching by inventing the widgetiscope.
My life is enriched for knowing about this wonderful man in thi s amazing field. oe Smith will forever be
remembered as the greatest widget watcher that ever lived.
$**3
Clearly, oe Smith's contributions changed the field of widget watching. His widgetiscope helped to turn
previously vague theories into provable laws of widgetry. Smith may have suffered loneliness and
ultimately death due to his dedication to his studies, but the field today recognizes him as one of history's
great widget watchers.
Notice the difference in each example's mention of the widgetiscope: the first example just tosses the
mention of the device in, but the second one summarizes
# it was important. The conclusion is your
final chance to tell the reader why they should care about your topic, so don't just use it as a summarizing
cut-off. The second example mentions the fact that he is recognized in the field without going over the top
and playing future-psychic.
Notice also it mentions the interesting new conflict you discovered in your research, emphasizing the
interesting part without jumping up and down screaming "Lookie lookie! £ learned this!" Tying the facts
together like this legitimizes why you bothered to mention his life at all.
4 5

While quoting sources is a major element of this level of essays, your essay shouldn't m erely string a bunch
of quotations together, even if they are strung in a well-ordered format. Paraphrase long, awkward, or
complicated quotations down into words that better suit your essay - but don't forget to cite a
paraphrased comment! You don't make it your thought merely by rewording it.
) #
# & # ! #

'
Too many quotations looks like laziness on your part. £t also may hint that you don't really understand
what your sources have said, but you're just going to throw their words in there to impress the instructor.
Never put two quotations back-to-back; either paraphrase one or both, or find something to go between
them.
Long quotations can often be broken up by putt ing ellipsis (...) between relevant phrases. Only use the part
of the quotation that is necessary, and put ellipsis in place of removed portions. BUT BE CAREFUL! £f
removing part of the quotation changes the meaning of the quotation, don't do it. Here are two examples;
one is fine, the other is wrong:
* 5 "Smith spoke to several members of the association, including David ones, ertrude
Fingle, Barry Backwater, Paul Dingleberry, Melinda Wossname, and ane Doe, in order to promote his
widgetiscope idea." (Bogus 47)
/ #6 "Smith spoke to several members of the association... in order to promote his
widgetiscope idea." (Bogus 47)
* 5 "Smith did not want to invent the widgetiscope, but felt that someone had to." (Bogus
3)
/ #"* 6 "Smith did not... invent the widgetiscope..." (Bogus 3).
Keep in mind that quotations longer than two normal lines of the page should be put into blocked form. A
blocked quotation has the margins indented on both sides, does not use quotation marks, but does require
the same attribution as any other quotation. Here's a sample:
Smith's initial experiments found that the widgetiscope results varied based on how the entire device was
set up, and whether or not it was placed on a level surface. The widgets would sometimes slip on the slide,
making the watching a challenge. The materials used in the construction of the widgetiscope itself also
seemed to affect the outcome of the experiments. Smith's diary reflects how stressful the invention
process was:
My housekeeper has chastised me for the fifth time this week, for £ continually forget to eat the food she
places by my study door. She was most perturbed when she discovered £ had not even touched the
stroganoff she had prepared for my birthday, as that is my favourite dish. £, of course, had lost track of
time so badly that £ did not even know my birthday had come and gone. (Bogus 207)
Smith's total dedication to his project would finally pay off, however, when he discovered that ...
£f you use too many blocked quotations, your essay becomes disjointed. Only use quotations this long if
there's something special, significant, or particularly brilliant about the way the source wrote it or spoke it.
For example, an essay on a great speaker such as Churchill, Lincoln, or andhi would have reason to
include large portions of their speeches, and rewording those quotations could trivialize them. But there's
no real reason to cut-and-paste unwieldy paragraphs from average sources into your essay if they would fit
better when paraphrased.
*% ü

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-- Mark Twain
What Twain meant is that it takes effort to write something concise, but it's fairly easy to babble on
endlessly.
Most essay assignments come with a specific word count in mind: some a minimum, some a maximum,
some both. £ have found that most essays tend to easily fall within the required word count range
naturally. The exceptions have been, frankly, on essay assignments that were poorly constructed by the
assigning teacher or professor, or on open -topic assignments where the topic chosen was too broad or too
narrow to properly fit the assignment. £f in doubt about your topic, you should consult your
teacher/professor.
Some assignments are given page count requirements instead of word count. A normal, typed, double-
spaced essay without footnotes is said to yield approximately 250 words per page. Page count
requirements are open to cheating by doing things like extending the line height, widening all four margins,
increasing the font size or using a wider-style font, using footnotes, and other style elements that help
spread the content over the pages. While this may satisfy the requirement, keep in mind that your
instructor is expecting a certain level of content in the essay, and an incomplete essay stretched over the
required amount of pages is still an incomplete es say. Conversely, an essay that blathers on will still seem
to blather even if the student creatively crams more words into a smaller space.
£f your essay is thoroughly researched, it should be difficult to fall below a word count target. £n fact, if
your research was very good, you may have more difficulty staying below a maximum word count. You
have to find a balance between fitting in the information you deem essential and not making the essay
sound disjointed and choppy. Too often, students write the sam e points over and over again, wasting
space and making the essay boring. Consider the following paragraphs:
(å*cc)!3£*£" +3!+c+ £ £ +
Smith invented the widgetiscope. He invented it in 1891 (Bogus 16). £t was an important invention. "By far,
oe Smith's most important contribution to the field of widget watching was the widgetiscope" (Bogus 93).
The invention was completed in New York. The New York Widget Watchers helped pay for it. The
widgetiscope works by placing the widget on the slide, adjusting the focus, and then monitoring the
behaviour of the widget (Bogus 93).
The sentences are choppy and jarring to the reader, and facts are repeated for no reason. The bit
explaining what the widgetiscope does should probably be in a separate paragraph from the historical
information about it.
$**3
"By far, oe Smith's most important contribution to the field of widget watching was the widgetiscope"
(Bogus 93). Smith invented the widgetiscope in 1891 in New York, thanks in part to the financing by the
New York Widget Watchers (Bogus 16).
The widgetiscope works by placing the widget on the slide, adjusting the focus, and then monitoring the
behaviour of the widget (Bogus 93). [insert more about the relevance and workings of the widgetiscope to
flesh this out]
The changes, not including the other widgetiscope information to be added, result in nine less words. That
doesn't seem like much, but consider that a page on average will contain four para graphs. That means a
possible saving of 36 words per page. For a standard 10 page essay, that's 360 words, which can make a
significant difference when trying to stay below a word count maximum. Furthermore, it reads better the
second way.
Repetition can be useful when trying to drive a point home. For example, in an argumentative essay, you
may wish to structure it like this:
£ntroduction
Ô Hypothesis
Part 1
Ô Proof 1
Ô Therefore hypothesis is valid
Part 2
Ô Proof 2
Ô Minor contradiction to Proof 2
Ô Explanation as to why contradiction doesn't hold
Part 3
Ô Proof 3
Part 4
Ô Major contradiction to hypothesis
Ô Arguments against contradiction
Î Show that proofs 1 and 3 negate contradiction
Part 5
Ô Strongest proof for hypothesis, untouched by contradictions
Conclusion
Ô Summary
Ô Therefore hypothesis is true.
The hypothesis would be repeated throughout the essay to hammer the point that it is true. There is also
repetition of proofs; the proof is explained at one stage , then reintroduced to combat a contradiction later.
This is not only acceptable, but a very strong way to structure an argumentative essay.
But this kind of repetition is not necessary when your essay is simply presenting a case study or set of facts.
Our example essay on oe Smith isn't really trying to argue anything. £f our focus had instead been "oe
Smith was the most important scientist that ever lived," we would have taken a completely different
approach. £ recommend a site called Writing Argumentative Essays by Bill Daly for more information on
how to write such an essay.
Once your essay has been written and fits within the required word or page count, it is time to add the
finishing touches.
c
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£t seems no matter how many times students are advised to do this, they keep ignoring it. £t is probably the
single most important thing you can do to improve your essay: +23£ * + *)*4+ü½ That means
actually read it, don't skim it. £f you find that your brain inadvertently skims it, try reading it out loud and
to how it sounds. Do the sentences sound jarring? Does it make sense? £f you hadn't researched it,
would you und erstand it?
To improve further, $+ 2½£+"3 *+23 å++2) as well. They may find inadvertent errors such as
spell-check failures (i.e. "from" when you mean "form" and vice versa), bad edits (i.e. Smith went to the a
store (forgot to remove "a" or "the")), repetitions (i.e. He said, "Blah blah blah," he said), and other
elements you may miss after staring at it for so long. Furthermore, if your friend is completely confused as
to what you mean by a particular sentence, paragraph, or the entire essay, you know you have done
something wrong. You don't have to accept every bit of nitpicking advice from your friend, but keep in
mind that if they don't understand your phrasing, your teacher or professor may not either.
( 4&
£f you're using a computer and don't bother spell-checking your essay, you deserve marks off for every
spelling error you make. £t only takes a few minutes, and an essay rife with spelling errors looks sloppy and
unfinished.
o over the essay for consistency. After writing these pages, £ realized £ had sometimes capitalized widget
watching and sometimes not. While it probably should be capitalized when it's part of a name (i.e. New
York Widget Watchers), the rest of the time it should be lower case, so £ went through and changed it. You
can use your word processor's 'find and replace' function for this kind of thing, but beware that it will
change every instance unless you make sure that it doesn't. Other consistency issues could be how you
deal with numbers (£ use the standard journalist format of spelling out only numbers less than 10), how
you refer to people (usually use only the last name after the first instance unless there are references to
different people with the same last name), whether subtitles are bolded, underlined, or both, and the style
of attribution.
Make sure the pages are formatted according to the teacher/professor's instructions. Standard essays are
double spaced (meaning blank lines between written lines) with one inch margins all around, and page
numbers. Some professors might require headers on all pages with your name, that certain pages begin
halfway down, etc. (£n fact, putting your name on every page, whether in a header or perhaps written
neatly on the back of each page, is a good idea in case the pages come apart.) Other formatting guidelines
can be found at the Nuts and Bolts of College Writing . £f you didn't incl ude formatting considerations while
writing, be sure to apply the formatting required now.
£f you have used tables or graphics in your essay, after you've finished all the necessary formatting you
should check that the table or graphic is still where you wish it to be. Formatting moves things around
quite a bit, and you may find that things are now on the wrong page. Also, if you have a table of contents
or any other reference to specific pages, make sure the page numbers still match.
2
As mentioned throughout these instructions, it is vitally important that you attribute anything you have
taken from another source. Plagiarism is a serious offense, and one that many univ ersities will expel you
for. You do not have to attribute basic facts, nor do you have to attribute your own analysis and thoughts.
But if you didn't come up with it and you're not sure if it's basic, attribute it. Keep in mind that if you
thought of something yourself and then found it confirmed in a source, you must attribute it to the source.
They get credit for publishing it before you did. You can indicate to the instructor that you did think of it
yourself, however, by phrasing it this way:
As confirmed by Superwriter, the field of widget watching was barely noticeable before the advent of the
widgetiscope (53).
Attribution can also be useful aside from protection against accusations of plagiarism. £f you're presenting
a controversial point and can attribute it to a respected source, the reader is less likely to suspect you of
saying something ridiculous. £n our example, if we had written:
Superwriter states that Smith died of a heart attack (86), but that probably isn't true. New evidence shows
that he actually committed suicide.
the instructor might wonder what the evidence is. By not attributing the second sentence, not only would
we be plagiarising Doorknocker, but we'd also be leaving ourselves open to doubt.
Attribution styles vary between fields of study, countries, schools, and even professors. A very picky
professor will probably give you an indication of how to attribute in essays for their course. Follow it, even
if it's not your normal method. £f no instruction on attribution is given, use a standard format such as MLA.
£f you don't use a standard format, at least make sure whatever you do is consistent throughout your
essay. When in doubt, ask your teacher or professor for guidance.
0 &
#
Almost all high school and university formal essays require a bibliography. This is a list of all quoted sources
as well as other influential sources. You don't have to actually cite the source in order to include it in your
bibliography, but don't include source that you didn't even read. £f the assignment requires that you have a
bibliography of, say, 10 sources or more, don't include sources that you didn't read just t o flesh it out. Not
only is that dishonest, but you may find that the instructor is very familiar with a source and questions a
paper that is missing key details from that source. £n our example, if you didn't actually read Doorknocker's
article but included it in your bibliography, the instructor may be suspicious when you fail to mention the
new revelations about Smith's demise.
As with attribution, there are many styles of bibliographies, and your instructor may give you a specific
format to follow. The most important thing is to make sure all of the information necessary for someone to
look up the source is there. MLA and other styles have specific formats for writing entries in the
bibliography. When in doubt, follow one of those styles.
c
Even if it's not a stated requirement, it's a good idea to have a title page on your essay. £t looks good, and
serves as identification should the essay be misplaced (and if you've seen the inside of a typical professor's
office, you can understand how this could easily happen). Again, some instructors might give you
guidelines for a specific format and information. Otherwis e, follow this model, centred on a clean page:
c 7+8

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-- Bernice Fitz- ibbon
à ! à

-- Thomas Edison
The difference between a good essay and a great essay often lies in elements that take it above and
beyond what most students hand in. Sometimes it is as simple a s avoiding common things that detract
from formality, such as hyperbole and colloquialisms. Sometimes it's adding extras, such as contradictions
or extra research. Here are some tips on improving essays:
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-- Hypertext Webster ateway
When a wise instructor sees hyperbole in an essay, they know that the student is overstating something in
order to appear more convincing. Overstatement, however, does not equal proof. £f your essay relies on
hyperbole instead of proof, it is a weak essay.
Consider the following examples of hype rbole:
oe Smith was the greatest scientist that ever lived.

Ô Not only is this not provable in any meaningful way, but the hyperbole itself fails to indicate
why the author would assert such a thing.
reat thinkers have benefited human advancement in aston ishing and unimaginable ways.
Ô Very few elements of human advancement could fairly be described as astonishing,
especially since the reference is historical and therefore known. Being unimaginable means
it cannot be imagined, and clearly the advancements were imagined or they never would
have occurred. To use two grandiose words is even more extreme hyperbole.
Your instructor does not want to read hyperbole. They do not wan t cheesy diatribes declaring your topic to
be superior to all other related topics. That is irrelevant and distracting. Don't do it.
Your high school teachers may have rewarded hyperbole because it can masquerade as proof. At the
university level, it is amateurish.
2% ü
Libel is the act of writing something about someone that is false and can injure that person's reputation.
Libel can also be against a group or company. Students usually do not intend to commit libel, but in an
effort to be dramatic they sometimes accidentally do so. Libel in essays often comes out of hyperbole; as a
student overstates something, they may inadvertently overstate to the point of being injurious.
£t is not libel merely to say something negative about someone. £t becomes libel when the statement is
false or cannot be proven to be "fair comment." £t is fair comment to say that Adolph Hitler was anti-
Semitic. £t is not fair comment to say that eorge W. Bush is anti -Semitic for not choosing a ewish running
mate as Al ore did in the 2000 U.S. presidential election. Calling Bush an anti -Semite in that regard would
most certainly be libel.
Chances are, no student will ever actually be legally challenged for writing libelous statements in their
essays, because no one other than the professor is likely to see the essay. Still, you should be careful to
avoid it, because it looks very bad on your part to declare false statements in this manner.
2% ( 6
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£f your assignment is to write about your personal experience in an informal fashion or to write fiction, feel
free to use colloquialisms to add colour. £f, however, you're writing a formal essay, avoid colloquialisms
entirely. Never do any of the following in a formal essay unless it is part of a direct quotation:
Well, since oe Smith invented the widgetiscope...

Ô Using "well" to begin a sentence like this is conversational and colloquial.
The methodology Smith used to reach this conclusion sucks.
£t is a damned good thing that Smith invented the widgetiscope.
Ô Never use foul language or expletives, no matter how tame. They don't belong in formal
language and only serve to make you look like you have a poor vocabulary.
Can you believe that Smith almost didn't invent the widgetiscope?
Ô The personalization of "you" is addressed below, but the entire sentence is conversational
and colloquial, and should be avoi ded in formal writing.
Smith's invention is really, really important.
Smith's invention is very, very important.
Ô Using "very" and "really" is somewhat colloquial; doubling them is colloquial and redundant.
od knows what modern widget watching would have been like without the widgetiscope.
Ô This is also conversational and colloquial. Furthermore, unless the essay is about religion or
a religious topic, religion has no place in it. Bringing religion in unnecessarily is likely to
provoke negative reactions in people of different faiths.
2% c 9
Again, if you're writing an informal essay or a story, using "£" and "You" are perfectly acceptable. £n a
formal essay, however, they are bad form. Don't do the following, unless it's part of a direct quotation:
£ think Smith's widgetiscope is an important invention.

Ô Don't bother to say "£ think" at all. Saying "Smith's widgetiscope is an important invention"
implies that you think and is a much stronger statement.
My research indicates that Smith did not die of a heart attack.
Ô ust present the research, not the fact that you've done it.
Smith was born in Scotland, as was £.
Ô The essay is not about you, so your facts don't belong here.
You can see that...
Ô Don't tell the reader what they can or cannot see. You can't know that, and it's informal.
Can you believe that...
Ô The reader doesn't get to answer you, so don't ask them to. £t's informal.
£f you were to read Widget Watching of the Late 1800s, you would see that...
Ô £t was your job to do the research, not the reader's.
£f you consider the possibilities, you must come to the conclusion that...
Ô Again, it was your job in the essay to consider and conclude. Don't force the reader to do it.
Now we can see that...
Ô Using "we" is as bad as using "you." £t's informal.
2% $ü
You can be gender inclusive without resorting to political correct redundancy. Use "he" when referring to a
specific individual who is male, and use "she" when referring to a specific individual who is female. Do not
use a gender-specific pronoun when referring to a non-specific person. Using "they" instead can be
awkward, especially since it is often supposed to mean more than one person. PC constructs like he/she or
s/he are also awkward and jarring to the reader. When possible, rewrite the sentence in such a way as to
make the pronoun unnecessary, as in the following examples:
0 £f a widget watcher sees the widget behave in this way, he must record it in his journal.
$ A journal entry must be made if the w idget is observed behaving in this way.
0 The average widget watcher doesn't like to see her research go unnoticed.
$ Widget watchers don't like to see their research go unnoticed.
£n this case, we've pluralized the subject, so it's okay to use the plural "their."
0 Widget watching is a stressful science, and a student should think carefully before he dedicates his life
to it.
$ Widget watching is a stressful science, and a student should think carefully before becoming
dedicated to it.
* #& Widget watching is a stressful science, and students should think carefully before
dedicating their lives to it.
£f you absolutely must use pronouns, it is probably better to alternate between he and she rather than to
use he/she or s/he. Below is a post £ made on Women amers.com to demonstrate how alternation works,
assuming the reader does not attribute meaning to the pronoun:
Originally posted at Women amers.com:
RE: He, She, £t

Posted by KaCee on Sunday, September 10th @ 05:22:15 PM EDT
Variating doesn't break the flow if the pronoun is truly irrelevant.
For example (this is quickly made up on the spot and shouldn't be associated with any specific RP ):
A player who wishes to have his character trained by a master should prepare to have the character out of
adventuring for one to two years in world time. During this time, the character will make no money nor
gain experience points, but will gain the skills of the master. £f the player does not want to sacrifice the
time because, for instance, the race of the character requires a short lifespan, she can decide to take the
skills individually at a point cost equivalent to any other character.
£'ve variated whether the player is a he or a she. £'ve been inclusive now. How does that variatio n make this
paragraph complicated? £ read it aloud to my husband and didn't tell him what £ was testing. His questions
were about whether it made sense that the master wouldn't be paying the student and other comments
on the nature of the game itself (which of course is irrevelvant since £ just made it up and it has no
context). He didn't even notice £ changed gender. When £ told him that was the point, he came over, read it
to himself, and agreed that the variation in the gender of the player has no bearin g on the comprehension
of the instruction.
£'d like to call for a vote by anyone reading: if this was confusing to you on the basis of a changed gender,
say so. £f the gender thing was irrelevant to you, say so.
Now, if you are assuming the player is male and thus the "she" throws you off, you have attributed specific
meaning to "he" and are NOT considering it a universal pronoun. That then means you are making an
assumption that the players are all male or female players are not being referred to. That's sexist.
£f a writer can't express themselves clearly and inclusively, that's a fault of the writer.
-- Kimberly "it's really not that hard" Chapman
2% 4
& #
Unless you're using the same word repeatedly to make a point, try to vary your words. £f you read over one
of your paragraphs and find the same word being used several times, try to think of a different word that
can be substituted. For example, if our example essay had the word "widgetiscope" in a paragraph too
often, we could substitute one or two instances with alternate phrases like "the device" or "the scope" or
"Smith's invention."
Do make sure, however, that whatever substitution you make is an accurate one. Too often, students
make liberal use of a word-processor's built-in thesaurus without consulting the dictionary to see if the so -
called synonym fits the given context. For example, let's say that we've used the word "number" too often.
£n the sentence: "Smith's number was 555-1234, which he thought was an inter esting random
assignment," MS Word's thesaurus gives us synonyms for number such as "total," "aggregate," "amount,"
"collection, and "sum total." Obviously, our use of "number" has the specific context of being a phone
number, so none of the synonyms fit.
( 2

As shown in the widget example with the contradiction over how Smith died, discovering that your sources
contradict each other is a bad thing. £n fact, it allows you to introduce contradiction into your essay
easily, which is more interesting to read. £t also may give you the chance to analyse both sides of the issue
and indicate which side you think to be most correct. This can lead to a better grade since you're
demonstrating independent reasoning instead of simply quoting a bunch of sources.
An essay need not be argumentative overall in order to have one argumentative element, such as one that
arises out of a contradiction. Furthermore, you are entitled to debate your sources even if they are in
agreement, so long as you can do so logically and eloquently. Be forewarned, however, that while some
instructors are pleased to see a student who boldly takes on a debate of their own accord and does it
successfully, there are some that see this as an argument against their own ideals. £n subjective courses
such as the social sciences and liberal arts, instructors have been known to strike down essays that don't
happily conform to the standard presentation. £t might be best to consult with the instructor first to get a
feeling for whether they'd accept sound refutation or if they'd prefer you just follow along.
£n general, however, showing that you're aware of a conflicting viewpoint amongst sources is a good thing,
and showing that you can deal with it within the essay is the mark o f a good writer.
+8

As stated before, it's not a good idea to pad out your bibliography with texts you didn't really read. £t is,
however, almost always useful to go beyond the recommended reading list to find other information. The
only exception is if you're specifically instructed not to go beyond certain sources.
Part of this is knowing what other sources exist. There is, of course, the standard selection of library
resources, including reference books (encyclopedias, dictionaries, etc .) and focused texts. Most students
today are also aware of £nternet resources, although it should be mentioned again that £nternet sources
carry a greater risk of invalidity since anyone can web-publish anything. What many students seem to miss
are periodicals and newspapers. Newspapers tend to be fairly current, but if your library stores old papers
(often on microfilm), you can access old articles that can significantly benefit your essay. For example, for
an essay £ wrote on the racism inherent in the Quebec Separatist movement, £ was able to cite several
newspaper articles in which Separatist leaders made clearly racist remarks, as well as instances when the
party issued anti-Native edicts or spoke out against certain ethnic groups that weren't "French enough."
Without those articles, £ only had a couple of anti -Separatist sources to work from. By adding in those
direct bits of evidence, £ made the essay's hypothesis difficult to dispute.
Finding newspaper and periodical articles involves knowing how to use things like their respective indices.
£f you don't know how or where to do this, ask your librarian. Any reasonable -sized library, particularly at a
university, should have a subscription to a periodical index that will list, year by year, all of the a rticles
printed in listed magazines. You then find the magazine in storage and read the article. Some magazines
and newspapers also have searchable web archives, but most still do not at this time.
$ &

raphics and tables can enhance your essay by adding a visual element to explain complex concepts. Here
are some examples of how they can be used well, so long as they are relevant to the essay:
a timeline showing the important steps in the development of a science

a flowchart summarizing a chain of command or family tree
a table listing which countries import or export which materials
a typical floor plan from the type of castles being discussed in the essay
medical diagrams
sketches of dress styles in an essay on changing fashions
The essential question to ask yourself when considering using a graphic or table is: is this directly relevant
to my essay's focus, or is it just a neat way to fill some space? Only include it if it helps the reader
understand your points better. Never use a blurry, faded, or otherwise hard to read graphic or table. That
is pointless and irritating. £n our example of oe Smith, it might be relevant to include a labeled diagram of
a widgetiscope. £t would be superfluous, however, to include a picture of Smit h's childhood home, unless
there was something about the architecture that was directly relevant to his life.
Do not use a graphic or table in place of writing. Only use it to enhance a written explanation. For example,
if your essay assignment requires you to demonstrate a mathematical proof, it is not acceptable to
photocopy a text book's page on the subject. Your instructor wants to see that you understand what you're
talking about, not that you're skilled at using a photocopier, scanner, or word process or.
Clipart has its uses in visual presentations, but almost never belongs in a formal essay. Essays are primarily
linguistic presentations, and visual elements should be minor enhancements, not major detractions. Resist
the urge to use every nifty clipart graphic you can find. Similarly, resist the urge to use different fonts all
over the place or different colours of font. These things are fun to play with, but they make an essay very
difficult to read. You don't want to do anything that takes attention a way from what you're saying.
£f you do use a graphic or table that isn't your own creation, you attribute it as you would any other
quotation. Copying a picture from a website into your essay without attributing it is plagiarism, regardless
of whether or not the website had a legitimate claim to the picture. Photocopying a picture of Smith's
notes from his biography and including it in your essay without attribution is plagiarism. £t implies you
gained access to his notes yourself, and denies credit to the author of the source that legally reproduced it.
4 å !c! (%

Sometimes your essay topic will lend itself to puns and twists galore. For example, in an essay on the
circulatory system, it might be difficult to resist the temptation to declare that you're going to get to the
"heart" of the matter. Try hard to resist such puns. Most of the time, they're gags your instructor has read
far too often, and they ceased to be funny long ago (assuming they were ever funny in the first place).
That being said, humour can add to an essay in some cases. Don't use humour at all if your essay is on an
unpleasant topic such as the Holocaust or hunger in Africa. But if the essay topic is light and you conceive
of a bit of humour that would genuinely add to it, go ahead and put it in. To test if the humour is effective
and worthwhile, however, have a friend or two read the essay first. £f they groan about the humour or miss
it entirely, take it out. What you thought was a clever twist on some element of your essay may be so
referential, so obscure, or so vague that nobody else gets it.
£f you do use humour, use it sparingly. Professional humour writers can get away with a joke every
paragraph, but if you do this in your essay it is likely to come off as flippant as opposed to funny.
£f you can truly make your instructor laugh with your well-placed, well-constructed humour, you're likely to
earn a good grade. You're also likely a good enough writer to not have needed this entire set of lessons in
the first place.
The best way to illustrate some of these qualities is to look at good and bad examples from real essays, and
discuss how the bad ones could be improved.
c +8 & $ 0

Learning to write often works best by example. The following are excerpts from nine first-year student
essays. Most of the examples are bad, although £ did find a two good examples in the bunch. £n most cases,
the names and dates from the essays have been changed to not compromise the subject matter for future
students (in other words, don't use any of the apparent research infor mation here in your papers). £ have
tried to categorize the errors as best as £ could. Errors or bad portions are usually bolded to help you
identify them.
ood Examples
Bad Examples
Ô Bad rammar
Ô Awkward Wording
Ô Hyperbole
Ô Mismatched Words, Phrases, and Pronouns
Ô Misused Words and Phrases
Ô eneral Sloppiness
Ô Several Errors Combined
$ +8 &
Smith was a religious, Christian man. His notion of monads included contextual references to od. He
believed that od controls the harmony of life through these monads.
The essay then goes on to discuss these monads in a Christian context. Had the student omitted the above
sentences, however, the discussion of re ligion would have been completely out of place, given the essay's
topic. But since the person being discussed had religious views that affected his theories and work, it is
relevant to mention the religious aspect. Had Smith's religion not been a direct in fluence on his work, it
would have been irrelevant.
Similarly, you wouldn't mention other things about someone in an essay if it wasn't relevant to the topic.
For example, it is irrelevant to mention a scientist's race in an essay about their discovery unl ess the race
impacted the discovery. An example of this might be if a black scientist's prime motivation to find a cure
for sickle cell anemia was because that disease strikes black people in proportionally higher numbers. £f the
same scientist was researching some aspect of physics, it would probably not be relevant to mention the
race at all.
An introductory paragraph:
On March 4, 1849, ohn Smith was born to Anna Bradcock Smith and ames Smith. Although certainly not
of humble origins, ohn was acquain ted with several prominent and influential men of politics with whom
he discussed matters of mathematics, history, science, logic, law, and theology. Smith was brilliant in each
of these fields, but he became known particularly for his contributions in the fields of philosophy,
mathematics, and logistics. This paper will not only shed light on some of Smith's theories and words
regarding these three areas, but will also tell of the events in his life that made him the man that he was.
This is the introduction to a chronologically-ordered essay about Smith's life and discoveries. As such, the
choice to begin with his date of birth is a good one. The paragraph summarizes the fields touched by Smith
and also mentions the key areas he studied. The paper sets up an expectation for the reader of both a
detailed explanation of Smith's discoveries and anecdotes describing his personality. The sentence
structure is grammatically sound and flows well.
0 +8 &
0 $
£n the late ., Smith's mother returned to London!

pulled him out of school with the intent
1
.
1. Apostrophes indicate possessiveness or contractions, not plurality. The decade is the 1650s.
2. The sentence is a run-on. £t should either end after "London", beginning a new sentence with "She
then," or the "she then" should be changed to "and."
3. To make someone a farmer is to create a farmer for them. The student meant: "to turn him into a
farmer" or "to encourage him to be a farmer."
Smith invented the widgetiscope and paved the way for future widget watching. 2

&

& 1
'
1. The bolded part is not a complete sentence. The entire thing should be one sentence.
2. "All-the-while" does not require hyphenation.
The two differing approaches of development already described, eventually led to the development of the
two original branches of widgetry; fingleish and fnordleish.
This sentence is mispunctuated. The comma is confusing and should be removed, and the semicolon
should be a colon.
21
Another of Smith's ideas was the method of differentiation. The university re -opened after the plague in
1667. Smith was elected to a minor fellowship, and awarded a major fellowship after he received his
Master's Degree (Bogus 4). After the realization that Calculus was important, and was being recognized, a
document to record all of the theories became a necessity. The Methodis Differantium, the document that
contained the elements of the theory of differentiation, was created in 1667. Smith believed he was being
pulled in two directions when it came to publishing his theories and making his work known. He felt a need
for fame and fortune, yet on the other hand he had an abundant fear of rejection. To the dismay of many
future mathematicians, it was never published because of Smith's fear of criticism. Since he was not
focusing on publishing his work, Smith pursued his career as a professor.
This so-called paragraph is an utter mess. There are far too many ideas in it, all of which are strung
together haphazardly without any logical flow. £'ll try to dissect and rewrite it, but £ won't make errors bold
because the entire paragraph would be bold if £ did.
First, let's pick out the different topics being addressed:
1. the method of differentiation

2. the university re-opening after the plague
3. Smith's ascension through the university ranks
4. the need of a document detailing differentiation, which was eventually created
5. Smith's mental state, desires and fears
Now, if we replace each sentence with the number of the corresponding idea, we can see what a jumbled
mess this is: 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5, 5, 4, 3.
Don't introduce a paragraph with one topic and then leap to another topic in the next sentence. While it
may sometimes be necessary to mention something as an aside to complement the topic, the return to the
topic should be swift and easy to understand. Don't bounce around within the paragraph as this student
has done.
Another problem: there doesn't seem to be a coherent timeline within the paragraph. Did the university
re-open in 1667, or was the plague in 1667? £s the student saying that Smith was elected to a minor
fellowship that year or another year? Similarly, when did the major fellowship and Master's Degree come
in? £t's unlikely to have all happened in one year, though it is possible. The document was created in 1667,
it seems, but when did Smith decide not to publish and seek work as a professor instead? Also 16 67? £t
sounds like that was a very busy year for poor Smith!
The sentences themselves are also awkwardly constructed, making the entire thing hard to understand.
£'ll make some assumptions regarding the confusing date information. Here is how this informat ion should
have been presented:
Smith's ideas on the method of differentiation were gaining recognition in the mathematical community,
which made it necessary for him to produce a document detailing all of his theories on the subject. Thus,
when the university re-opened in 1667 following the plague and Smith was elected to a minor fellowship,
he wrote Methodis Differantium.
Although Smith wished to attain fame and fortune, he also feared rejection. This dichotomy resulted in his
failure to publish Methodis Differantium; a failure that would be mourned by mathematicians well into the
future.
Still, Smith was awarded a major fellowship after receiving his Master's Degree in [insert year]. Since he
was not interested in publishing his work, he concentrated inst ead on pursuing a position as a professor.
Queen Esmerelda knighted ones in 1705 % the title of Sir oe Smith, which made him the first
scientist

10 .
1. The phrase "to be given" is awkward here. £t would be better written: "Queen Esmerelda knighted
ones in 1705, which gave him the title of Sir..."
2. Who else could be honoured for Smith's work other than Smith? £t should say: "...which made him
the first man to be honored for scientific work."
3. There probably should be a page number listed in the citation.
ones had a of analytic geometry.
What does this mean? Does the student mean that one of ones' main ideas concerned analytic geometry?
Does he mean that one of the main ideas of analytic geometry was conceived by ones? Or does he mean
something else entirely? This makes little sense and is very awkward.
Whether Smith made

&

& , or whether he had
previously invented the widgetiscope, 6

%
% .
1. £f Smith made use of the manuscript, he can't have used it to copy abstracts.
2. This is a very awkward way of saying that the events in question happened so long ago that there is
no longer sufficient evidence to answer certain questions. £t would be better written:
Questions as to whether Smith made further use of the manuscript from which he copied abstracts or
whether he had previously invented the widgetiscope are rooted so far in the past that it is impossible to
gather sufficient direct evidence to provide answers.
This is still a bit awkward. £t's best when broken up into smaller sentences:
There are still questions as to whether Smith made further use of the manuscript from which he copied
abstracts or whether he had previously invented the widgetiscope. Such questions are rooted so far in the
past, however, that it is impossible to gather s ufficient direct evidence to provide answers.
Smith formed a political plan to try to persuade the ermans to attack the French

their political agendas
& %

%å '
1. "Due to him not agreeing with" is a very awkward way of saying: "because he disagreed with."
2. The second bolded part should be a separate sentence.
3. "Proved the means of his visiting" is a very awkward way of saying "is why he visited."
å#&
ones explained ideas too enormous to understand, and simplified problems too complex to approach.
Not only is this hyperbole, it's also logically impossible. £f the ideas were too complicated to understand,
ones couldn't have understood them himself. £f the problems were too comp lex to approach, ones could
not have approached them.
More samples of hyperbole can be found in the collection of items with several errors.
/
!c
! c
After marrying Elizabeth, Smith's father fell ill for several months. 2 %#! # was
summoned to the manor. 2 &!
!

!
% 1! !
.
(Bogus 10). å
%

three months after
Smith senior died. å & after

1
husband's
passing
.
1. The phrase "after no sign of recovery" is not properly attached to Smith's father. £nstead, it is saying
that the lawyer did not recover from something.
2. A will does not include land, a house, etc. £t states to whom such things are bequeathed. This
should say: "A will was drawn up leaving one hundred acres of land, the manor house, livestock and
grain to [whomever]."
3. £ don't even understand how "and Smith Senior's death" fits into this sentence.
4. "His" in the sentence "His mother gave birth..." refers to the antecedent "Smith Senior." Thus,
Smith Senior's mother gave birth to Smith Senior's son. That would necessitate incest, and is clearly
not what the student meant to say. They should have simply said "Elizabeth gave birth..."
5. Who else but someone's mother gives birth to them anyway?
6. iven the confusions regarding the various Smiths, it would have been better if the student had
used first names during this part of the essay.
7. There is inconsistency in capitalization. £t is Smith Senior once, and Smith senior another time.
8. The "he" in "he was premature" again refers to the wrong antecedent. Smith Senior was not
premature.
9. Smith did not suffer illness due to the shock of Smith Senior's passing. Elizab eth did. This sentence
says that Smith suffered the illness.
10. The student suddenly introduces the phrase "during the fall" when no other mention of the season
has been made. This could be confused with Smith Senior dying from a fall.
Lastly,
inverse
& between area and the tangent never attained.
"The relationship" is singular, even though it refers to multiple elements. Thus, the verb "were" should be
singular as well, and changed to "was."
£t was this century

many of the most honorable and highly respected mathematicians
created what we know today as calculus.
1. A century is not a place, it is a section of time. Say it is a "place where..." or a "time when..." £n this
case, "£t was this century when..."
2. Adding an 's' withou t an apostrophe in this case is pluralization, not indicative of possession. The
student means "world's."
But perhaps the largest , which the reeks could not overcome, their insufficient number
and measuring #.
"Were" is plural, but "obstacle" and "system" are singular. £t should be "was."
Tragically at the age of six, Smith's father died.
This says that Smith's father died at the age of six. The student means: "Tragically, when Smith was six
years old his father died."
ones, now familiar with Smith's discoveries, wrote Smith a letter soon after the publication of

discoveries.
After the publication of whose discoveries: ones' or Smith's?
/ c

ones reasoned that if he could calculate the angles of the projected colour, a new law of refraction could
be .
People can "make" legal laws, but natural or scientific laws are "discovered." To "make" a new law of
refraction, ones would have to alter physics.
During the seventeenth century, the

of England did not realize the importance of scientific
advancement.
1. "£nhabitants" could well mean non -human creatures, and is thus a poor choice of a word.
2. Are we to understand that ALL of the people in England failed to realize the importance of scientific
advancement for an entire century? £t would have been better if the student had said "most people
in England."
At the time, the dominant belief was that light traveled %.
1. The current time is the moment the reader is reading the sentence. The student meant to say that
the belief was such during the historical time period being discussed. "Current" should be omitted.
2. The phrase "in wave" has an error. £t should either be "in waves" or "in a wave." Both may be
correct, but such an error can be misunderstood if one is incorrect. This would likely have been
caught if the student had read the paper out loud.
Secondly, ones' reliance on geometric algebra rather than symbolic notation created considerable
& to the identification of solutions of computational features found frequently to different
problems.
Here is an example of a student not knowing the proper meaning of a word. £mpedance means opposition
to the flow of electric current. £t does not mean the same as to impede, which is to be an obstacle. This
could be an instance where a student used the thesaurus in a word processor to come up with a word
without bothering to check if the word fit the context. £t could also simply be that the student had
mislearned the word themselves.
£ncidentally, a quick check of MS Word 97 shows synonyms to "impedance" to be obstruction, block, baffle,
hindrance, breakwater, fin, and maze. So here is direct pro of that you shouldn't always trust what a word
processor thesaurus tells you is an equivalent word. Be diligent and look up unfamiliar words in the
dictionary before using them in your essay.
£n studying widgetry, % &

of the two systems of widgetry;
fingleish and fnordleish.
Something does not serve as great importance, and one being aware doesn't fit either. This is a student
trying to sound fancy but instead making no sense. The sentence should read:
£n studying widgetry, one should be aware of the two systems of widgetry; fingleish and fnordleish.
$ &&

£

that ones hated his stepfather and his mother, partly for abandoning him at such a young
age.
1. Who thought so?

2. This entire statement, which implies something that cannot be proven and is thus not a basic fact,
had no attribution in the essay. Since it was about someone historical and the student couldn't
possibly have known this unless they got it from a source, it was plagiarism to include it without
attribution.
Smith managed one friendship through this time and

%
#6 '
1. Who is questioning the value? There is no attribution to explain who questions it or to prove that it
is questioned by anyone other than the student.
2. What precisely is being questioned? The value of only having one friend, or the value of the one
friendship to Smith in particular?
...which means that the cut in the Ú of points is equal to the degree of the curve.
Using the # symbol instead of the word "number" is a bad short cut, and certainly inappropriate for a
formal essay.
Smith also helped to improve the #; his focus was mainly regarding widgetry.
How does a focus on a subject help to improve a commun ity? £t might improve the understanding of the
subject in the community, but does that improve the community itself? This is a badly worded assertion. £f
it truly did benefit the scientific community as a whole, the student should cite a source demonstrati ng
that to be the case. No attribution was present.
£n one day, ohn's attitude towards school changed for the better. A boy ranked just above him kicked him
in the stomach. At the end of the day ohn challenged the boy to a fight. Even though ohn was much
smaller than his opponent, his determination overtook the boy. Winning the fight was still not enough.
ohn applied himself in class, and soon became the top student in the school.
1. This entire paragraph introduces an anecdote for the purpose of explaining what drove ohn to
become a better student. £ncredibly, it manages to completely fail to mention the relationship
between the anecdote and ohn's new -found classroom enthusiasm. The relationship is implied and
the reader can guess that ohn wished to b eat the boy in more than just a physical fight, and thus
worked hard to outrank the boy in the classroom, but that is not stated.
2. The paragraph is very choppy and the sentences do not flow well. Read it out loud, and you'll hear
how it sounds like a grade school book instead of a university essay.
During this time, Smith constructed a water clock. He constructed the clock out of an old box.
This is choppy. £t could be easily combined into one sentence.
ones to study motion.
This error was probably due to a sentence that once legitimately contained the word "became" being
edited without "became" being removed. £f the student had read the essay out loud or given it to a friend
to read, this error likely would have been noticed.
Yet, in 1679, ones would discover that his initial

Moon's distance from Earth was incorrect.
Here is another example of a simple error of omission that could have been caught if the student had read
the essay aloud or given it to a friend to read. The word "of" should be between "calculation" and "the."
That one small error makes the entire sentence awkward and confusing. £f the instructor has to reread the
sentence to try to understand its meaning, the flow of the essay is interrupted. £f this happens often
enough in the essay, it gives an overall bad impression on what otherwise might be a very good paper in
terms of research.
More examples of errors that could have been caught if the students had bothered to read their essay:
According to
diary...
One of Smith's main was his use of...
Widgetry emphasized the notion of the infinite widget, which in fact as a great service to Smith in that
it served as an important too in helping explain his branch of widgetry.
ones might have in fact && the ideas, but he was also at a loss when he could not make good
sense of them from the beginning.
Admiration for Smith grew in the of widgetry.
With ones' encouragement, Smith a number of monographs on r eligious topics.
Smith considers universe to be a gravitational system...
On August 10, 1777, ones was a letter from...
£n
, it was & %
and science rejected his theories about light until
the next century. Thus, # & % that ones' theories about quanta (tiny particulate
packets of energy) . The wave formulation .
1. When was this "later research?" Who performed the research? £n discussing whether someone was
proven incorrect or not, it is a good idea to fully explain who did the proving when, and possibly
even how they came to their conclusion.
2. These sentences contradict each other. Was ones proven incorrect or correct? Does the student
mean that ones was erroneously proven incorrect, but science later found that he was correct
after all? Or was ones correct about some things and not others?
3. The use of "Thus" implies causality. How does the proof that ones is incorrect and the rejection by
science suddenly become scientific proof of his theory being correct? Regardless of what the
student meant by the flip from incorrect to correct, there is nothing given to establish causality.
of whether...
£t's disappointing to see such sloppiness as this in an essay. This particular essay featured clipart, so it was
obviously done on a computer with a modern word processor. £t clearly wasn't spell -checked. Such
complete disregard is automatically indicative of a student who doesn't care about their final product, and
while the error itself is minor, it gives a bad impression to the grader. £n fact, this essay had several spelling
errors that could have been caught. That's inexcusable at the university level.
£t was also during this time that he traveled to his .& in Brunswick.
"Place" is colloquial. Use "home," "apartment," "residence" or other such appropriate word instead.
Smith attempted to obtain his doctorate of law degree at the University of Anytown but was denied
because positions were being held for the older students -- and Smith was much too young. Smith's
secretary that he was told many times, however, that Smith was denied admission because of
negative feelings that the Dean's wife held for him.
1. Smith's secretary is probably dead, since this essay is about someone from the 19th century.
Therefore, they no longer claim anything. £t should be past tense.
2. Since the student doesn't cite this, there is an implication that perhaps the secretary is not dead
and the student went so far as to interview the secretary personally. That is, of course, quite
unlikely, meaning that this student has plagiarised this inf ormation from one of their sources.
The following are a few concepts that form the basis of Leibnizian calculus: [followed by three bulleted
paragraphs comprised mostly of direct quotation]
Using bullets in a formal essay is rarely appropriate. £t is preferable to write out the bulleted information
into proper paragraph form. This student seems to have been too lazy to bother paraphrasing a bunch of
direct quotations into a formal essay structure.
Along came
oe Smith, a mathematician considered by numerous scholars to be a pioneer of calculus,
including
renowned mathematician, Bill ones.
1. "The" oe Smith? There has only been one?

2. The student means "another," not "other." Sloppy.
The first page of the essay starts with:
have been developed (5).
The second page starts with the header "£ntroduction" and the opening paragraph. Clearly, the student
stapled the pages out of order. What a sloppy mistake! Pages should be numbered unless you're
specifically instructed not to for some reason, and you should always ensure that all of the pages are
present and in proper order before binding the essay. £f the instructor has to begin by figuring out what the
heck is going on, they will automatically have a bad impression of your essay and possibly of you .
ones was 6 # in that along with his position in the Court of Mainz, he also managed to serve
Baron ohann Christian von Boineburg as secretary, librarian, lawyer, advisor, assistant, and most
importantly, friend.
1. "Quite a busy man" is a bit colloquial. "A busy man" would do.
2. The first "as" is an error, since ones did not serve as the Baron, he served the Baron. This may have
been caught if the student had read their essay out loud.
% + (
His :(
#!: Bill ones,
Smith shared a room with until his resignation from this fellowship in 1683.
1. "Chummy" should only be included if it was Smith's actual word for ones. £f this is the case, it is a
quotation from a source and should be cited. £f not, it is colloquial an d should just say "His friend
Bill ones..."
2. "Who" should be "whom" in this case. A site called " rammar and Style" has information on how to
use who and whom.
3. This isn't even a complete sentence.
Smith was born prematurely and was so small when

that
# thought he might not live.
1. Repeating that he was born is redundant.

2. Who does "they" refer to? Doctors? Parents? Relatives? Townsfolk? £t is a pronoun without an
antecedent.
£n this publication, ones

a the belief systems of the &
&

around him.
1. "Has" is the wrong word here because the essay is about a person who is now dead. Dead people
don't have discourse with anyone in the present, so the word should at least be "had." But even
"had" is awkward, and a better word would be "wrote."
2. "Discourse" means to converse, especially orally. One does not speak orally in a publication. £t is
written. This word should be omitted.
3. "Between" denotes at least two participants, but ones is the only one having the supposed
"discourse." This too should be omitted.
4. "Natural philosophical world" is confusing. Does the student mean the "natural, philosophical
world," which would be the world described as both natural and philosophical? Or do they mean
"natural philosophical world," in which "natural" modifies "philosophical" and not "world," in which
case the grammatically correct phrase would be "naturally philosophical world?"
This would be better written as:
£n this publication, ones wrote of the belief systems of the natural, philosophical world around him.
or, depending on the answer to the fourth point:
£n this publication, ones wrote of the belief systems of the naturally philosoph ical world around him.
He was home for approximately

! to ones

the &
time period of his life.
1. This is a run-on sentence. £t should either end between "18 months" and "according," or it should
be rewritten to make it a proper sentence.
2. "18 months" is repeated for no reason.
3. "18 months" is plural, so it should be "18 months were" not "18 months was."
4. "Predominant" means superior especially in power or numbers. Something cannot be "most
superior." "Most" should be omitted.
5. "Predominant" is not the best word in this case anyway. £f the student means it was the most
powerful time of ones' life, they should be clear about that. £f they mean it was the most superior
numerical time of his life, then he logical ly cannot have been more than 36 months old.
Simpson was content after

# & Smith's experiment. ones was
#!

constantly.
1. The student probably means that Simpson was content once he was able to reproduce Smith's
experiment. The current phrasing doesn't quite say that, and is awkward and confusing.
2. ones was "not that easy" to what? The student probably means "ones was not that easy to
satisfy" or something equivalent.
3. This is a run-on sentence. £t should end after "easy," or be rewritten to be grammatically correct.
4. Which two men? Simpson and ones or Smith and ones?
The information on physics before this section is important to understanding

Newton was,
#!
% were in the field of
! & # Calculus.
1. £ncorrect use of "whom." Should be "who." A site called " rammar and Style" has information on
how to use who and whom.
2. There should not be a comma between "arguably" and "his."
3. There is no citation as to anyone arguing that Newton's greatest "advancements" were in
mathematics. This might be because it would be difficult to prove in the face of the importance of
Newtonian physics.
4. "Advancements" is probably the wrong word. "Achievements" or "discoveries" would be better.
Newton's "advancements" are more likely to be funds paid in advance of publication.
5. The addition of "most importantly" is awkward. "Particularly" would have been a better word.
6. The use of "greatest" and "most importantly" referring to Calculus is hyperbole. iven that this
essay was for a Calculus class, it sounds like a kiss-up. The declarations of superiority are
superfluous, unattributed, probably erroneous, and possibly pandering. £t's all very ugly.
A concluding sentence:
Smith's great work, theories, and studies % % in the %

.
1. How can the student know that Smith's work will "live on" fo rever? That's an impossible assertion
to make.
2. Work, theories and studies don't "live." They exist, but they are not organic creatures.
3. £f the world is ever-changing, how again can the student know that Smith's work won't one day be
considered nonsense? Or lost entirely?
4. "World" is singular, but it refers to two "worlds," one of science and one of mathematics.
5. This conclusion reeks of hyperbole. (So does the phrase "reeks of hyperbole," but this is not a
formal essay.)
2

#
knew that he could demonstrate the between two
infinite sums...
1. The phrasing here is a bit awkward. £t would be better phrased: "ones, a predecessor of Smith,
knew that..."
2. "Ration" is the wrong word. The student meant "ratio." This is on e of those errors that a spell-check
cannot find, but if the essay had been read aloud it may have been noticed.
One man proclaiming to be the inventor of the widgetiscope and another man proclaiming the
exact same thing; who telling the truth?
1. The main problem here is the change in tense. You can't go from "was" to "is" if the subject remains
fixed in time. Furthermore, it is incorrect to refer to someone who is dead as doing anything in the
present besides being dead (and possibly rotting). A dead person is not telling anything right now,
but they in the past.
2. Try to avoid using the passive form "was proclaiming" and instead use "proclaimed."
3. This particular statement is also bad because of the subject matter. The student has already shown
in the essay that both men happened to independently invent the widgetiscope, but the issue is
who deserved the title for inventing it . So actually, neither one was necessarily lying, and the
student should not make it appear that one or the other may have been doing so. You must be
careful not to libel people.
4. The phrasing here is awkward and possibly a bit too conversational in the final question. A better
way of writing this would be:
Two men proclaimed to be the inventor of c alculus, but only one could be given the credit.

# #

1
.
% ' ones had been considered the sole inventor of the widgetiscope for fifteen years already, which
gave him the upper hand.
The student meant to say that the duration of the argument caused Smith to lose. But because the student
failed to put the necessary comma between the bolded words, this sentence actually says, by means of a
complicated string of multiple negatives, that it was not easy to come to a decision against Smith, meaning
he won. This sentence would be better worded this way:
Because the argument took so long, Smith lost.
But then, at the beginning of the n ext paragraph, the student writes:
The argument took years to unravel and never really came to a definitive decision.
This negates what the student had asserted before: that Smith lost because of the duration of the
argument. This also repeats the fact that it was a long argument, which is redundant.
£t was the $1!
the # widgetry emerged and set the basis of what widgetry has
become.
1. The reeks are a people, not a place, so things come from "whom," not "where."
2. The comma in this sentence should not be there. £t sets up an expectation that the portion after the
comma is a separate clause, as in: "£t was from the reeks, who also invented blodgetry, that
widgetry came forth." Note that because the "who" is in the separate clause, it should not be
"whom."
3. The underlying ? You can't just say the underlying of widgetry. £t has to be the underlying
something of widgetry, whether that something is basis, foundation, etc.
Although there was a time of

, there came a period of darkness in the
development of mathematics + -.
1. "£ntellectual heightening" is an icky, awkward phrase. "£ntellectual development" would have been
much better.
2. £n going over this old essay, £ wondered if perhaps thi s was a typo of the name "Edwards." £ checked
the bibliography to confirm the name, and discovered that nothing by Ewards, Edwards, or any
similar name was there at all. Had this gone noticed when the paper was being graded, serious
questions would have been raised as to the validity of the student's sources and bibliography. Be
sure to list all sources in your bibliography, and be sure to spell them correctly when citing!
One % was to impose on

% a & that they could not fully
understand and precisely &! for this ! ; concepts of irrational as numbers, all
traces of the !
&! from their own mathematics.
1. "Motive" applies to "Sumerian algebra," not "Sumerians." Therefore, that motive cannot be
imposed on "themselves." £t should be written: "One motive of the Sumerians concerning their
algebra was to impose on themselves..." although that is still an awkward phrase.
2. "Concepts" should not be plural. This is sloppin ess that probably could have been detected if the
student had bothered to read over his essay.
3. The sentence should end after "compute." A new sentence should begin, "For this reason..."
4. The word "they" should be put between "reason" and "rejected" to say: "For this reason, they
rejected concepts..."
5. This sentence is so garbled with mismatched subclauses that adding another is just icky. £'d put
"such as limit concepts" in parenthesis, or rewrite the sentence to bring that idea out on its own.
£f $1 had surmounted their need to succeed in these elements and to use real numbers
and limits they had finally understood them, calculus may
% % and

(Apostal 102).
1. The verb "refused" applies to " reek rigor," not reeks, which is nonsensical. Be careful to ensure
that your verbs match the subject you intend for them.
2. Don't use "till" when you mean "until." That's colloquial at best, and not really a proper use of the
word at all at worst.
3. The proper phrase is "have never formed." To say something never formed begs the question:
What didn't it form?
4. Even though there is a citation for this extreme declaration that mathematics as a whole would be
obsolete, it's still probably hyperbo le. £ wonder if the source actually said that, or if the student's
paraphrasing has overstated the source's point that mathematics might be different without the
advent of calculus. Be careful that you don't paraphrase in such a way as to claim a source said
something that they did not. £f this source really says mathematics would be obsolete without
calculus, it's a bad source. Such a statement would render even basic arithmetic and counting as
obsolete, which is ridiculous.
+ #, it is a case of Smith's word against & &
'å
acknowledged possession of a copy of part of one of ones' &! more than one occasion he
deliberately altered or added to important documents before publishing them, a nd £
his manuscripts had been falsified 7

7, (Bogus, 78)
1. "Essentially" isn't technically incorrect here, but students do have a tendency to use words like
"essentially" and "basically" too often. £t's somewhat conversational, and possibly colloquial. Try to
avoid it unless something is truly essential.
2. "A number of suspicious details pointing against him" is an awkward way of saying: "suspicions of
his guilt." But what the student means is not suspicions, bu t points of evidence.
3. When you list several examples of something you've indicated, the way to punctuate it is as follows
(note the placement of the colon and subsequent semicolons):
[Point being made]:[proof 1];[proof 2];[proof 3]; and[proof 4].
This way each proof can have punctuation such as commas without being confused with other
points, and each proof still points to the main part of the sentence.
4. The "a material date £ none of" doesn't seem to make sense at all. £ think the whole thing is th ere in
error, but for all £ know the student was trying to say something different. £ can't believe the
student read this over and found it comprehensible.
5. The parenthetical comment is important enough to be in the sentence properly. The student likely
put the information in parentheses because the sentence was too awkwardly full of commas and
clauses already. Had the student properly punctuated the list of evidence, they would have been
able to put this date information in as part of a proof segment.
6. The sentence has no period, which is sloppy.
This entire thing should be rewritten to say:
£t is a case of Smith's word against the evidence of his guilt: he acknowledged possession of a copy of
ones' manuscripts; on more than one occasion he deliberately alte red or added to important documents
before publishing them; and his manuscripts had been falsified by changing 1675 to 1673 (Bogus, 78).
After quoting a dictionary definition:
The editors of
# are probably unaware of the fact that they have just committed a

, in that they only described fingleish widgetry, and failed to include
an explanation of fnordleish widgetry.
1. £t's okay to question a source, and at higher levels of education it might even be required. But if
you're going to do it, be careful to do it well and with evidence. This just sounds presumptuous. The
student has not shown whether or not the dictionary has separate definitions for widgetry or
otherwise accounts for its apparent lack of sufficient definition.
2. Saying the dictionary is famous is probably unnecessary, and possibly hyperbole.
3. A "cardinal sin" is a sin of fundamental importance. £n the udeo -Christian context, this would mean
something very bad, like murder. Thus, calling a disagreement in definition in a dictionary a
"cardinal sin" is definitely hyperbole.
4. Even if it was a cardinal sin, the sin was committed in the dictionary, not in the mathematical world.
The student meant "against the mathematical world."
£ &

& & such a vague definition, as was the case in Webster's
Dictionary, on a subject that has tested
for & .
1. £t is surprising how students could be satisfied with such drivel in their essays. That sounds nasty,
doesn't it? That's because it is. Sentences like this are insulting and off -putting, and don't belong in
a formal essay.
2. "Such great minds" requires an example. The word "such" should be omitte d.
3. "Centuries upon centuries" is redundant. ust say centuries and leave it at that.
ones' first ; in Paris was to make contact with the French government but, while waiting for such an
opportunity, he made contact with mathematicians and philosoph ers there, in particular Davis and Myers,
discussing with Davis a variety of topics but particularly church reunification (Bugle 57).
1. An "object" is a thing. The student means "ones' first objective..."

2. This is a bad run-on. £t should be broken up like th is:
ones' first objective in Paris was to make contact with the French government, but while waiting for an
opportunity to do so, he made contact with mathematicians and philosophers such as Davis and Myers. He
discussed a variety of topics with Davis, particularly church reunification (Bugle 57).
Smith's to
has helped # become

.
1. £n this particular case, Smith made many contributions, not just one.
2. "Math" is the colloquial version of "mathematics."
3. Did Smith's contributions only help "our society?" What about other societies?
4. "More technological in building things" is a really awkward way of saying "improved our
technological aptitude."
Undoubtedly, ones was one of the

%% and this paper will demonstrate that,

.
1. Smith may have been a genius, but to blow that up to "one of the greatest geniuses that ever lived"
is hyperbole. Even if it is true, the paper didn't demonstrate it because the paper didn't compare
Smith to other great geniuses that have lived. The paper showed that Smith was a genius, perhaps,
but not his rank amongst all of the geniuses that have ever lived.
2. £f you start from something, you go to or follow through to another something. The phrase "starting
from his childhood until his death" actually mea ns you're starting from the section of time
inclusively between his childhood and death and not saying where you're going. Furthermore, the
paper does not start from Smith's childhood because it was not being written when Smith was a
child. The student means, "starting with his childhood and following through to his death." That is
still awkward, and the sentence would be best written:
Undoubtedly, ones was a genius, and this paper will demonstrate that by examining his entire life.
ohn lived for seven years with his mother's parents

#

# .
1. "So" in this context is colloquial and should be omitted.

2. This really should be cited. ohn's address may be a matter of public record and therefore doesn't
have to be cited, but comments on the emotional quality of the household imply research, and the
student should give credit to the source.
3. "Really" is colloquial, and should be omitted.
While at Cambridge,

. & % in his dedication to
.
1. Who is Smith's genius? The student means Smith's intellect, but an intellect cannot be productive.
£t facilitates productivity, but it is not productive itself. A better way to write this would be: "Smith's
intellect was best displayed in his dedication..."
2. "Math" is colloquial. £t should be "mathematics."
This information helps us to understand

!
stay on the ground; we are matter as well and

% %
&
&
1 . This
of knowledge has helped our understand our universe of heavenly bodies and their
movement. £t has also allowed to %
exploring our galaxy.
1. Does gravity only affect humans? ranted, the student is trying to make the science seem more
personal, but this is an awkward way of doing it. £t is also something that seems to indicate an essay
geared to children. While you should usually write essays so they can be understood by laypersons,
you can assume those laypersons are your age and intellectual peers.
2. The description of the invisible force is very awkward. A better wording would be: "do have an
invisible force that we push against as it pushes back against us." ravity does not, in fact, weigh
people down. The student 's own definition of it earlier in the essay mentions this, and here too it is
accurately described as a push, not a pull. To add in the bit about it weighing us down is
contradictory.
3. The student means "handful." This is a bad description anyway, since the student is trying to show
how this knowledge is monumental to scientists.
4. Both instances of "scientist" should be pluralized.
5. One delves further something, not in it.
The Royal Society #
each week
#

% .
1. "Always had someone coming in" is colloquial and awkward. £t should say: "The Royal Society
hosted a guest each week..."
2. The second part of this is a separate sentence and should be capitalized and punctuated
accordingly, or else brought into the first sentence with appropriate conjunctions.
3. "Show off" is colloquial. "Demonstrate" would be better.
4. Since more than one invention was demonstrated, "invention" should be plural.
A concluding paragraph:
ones was a who made an & %. He is recognized as one of the
brilliant-minded people who helped to further
along. This intellectual man has created

which has and will be used for years to come. This is an important part of history which

% '
1. The essay has shown that ones was brilliant and invented some useful things. £t has not, however,
demonstrated that he was a "great man." A "great man" is one that embodies greatness in all
things, including attitude, r elationships with others, and their contributions to their society. ones
may have been all of this, but the essay did not reflect it, so it is hyperbole to declare it in the
conclusion. £t is also a highly subjective comment; what makes someone great to o ne person may
not for another.
2. "Centuries" is the plural of "century," not the possessive. The student means "century's." But ones
was not of our current century, so the student should define which century they mean.
3. £mpacts are made on, not in.
4. £f by "all of us" the student means everyone on the planet, this is incorrect. ones' contributions to
mathematics hardly impact the life of someone living in a non-literate, non-industrialized society.
Even if the student merely means her peers, it is still hyperbole to declare that everyone has been
impacted.
5. £f you're going to mention that the person did something in your conclusion, mention what that
something is.
6. While it is unlikely that ones' history will be forgotten, the student cannot effectively predict the
future in this way.
Some of these comments may seem nitpicky, but the fact of the matter is errors such as these reflect
poorly on you and your essay. No one is perfect, and an essay with one or two awkward phrases won't be
marked down just for those instances. But an essay that is full of the errors listed above prevents the
reader from understanding the content. £f the instructor doesn't know what you mean, they can't possibly
give you a good grade.

How To Write An Essay

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c 

 the widgetiscope was invented in 1891 in New York, page 16

...and so forth down the page...

c ( &) " 

 oe Smith's personal life

 oe Smith's personal life

 oe Smith's personal life - blue highlighter

 the widgetiscope was invented in 1891 in New York, page 16 (*" 

c ,c ) + #

 Widget watching information

 Kurit comes to Aenna's rooms drunk

4 5  

à        !   à

Consider the following examples of hype rbole:

 oe Smith was the greatest scientist that ever lived.

 Well, since oe Smith invented the widgetiscope...

 £ think Smith's widgetiscope is an important invention.

Originally posted at Women amers.com:

RE: He, She, £t

Variating doesn't break the flow if the pronoun is truly irrelevant.

-- Kimberly "it's really not that hard" Chapman

(     2 

 a timeline showing the important steps in the development of a science

4 å  !c ! (% 

c +8 & $  0  

First, let's pick out the different topics being addressed:

1. the method of differentiation

ones had a   of analytic geometry.

Whether Smith made   

£t was this century

Tragically at the age of six, Smith's father died.

After the publication of whose discoveries: ones' or Smith's?

/   c

During the seventeenth century, the 

£n studying widgetry,  %   &  

$  &&

1. Who thought so?

Smith managed one friendship through this time and

This is choppy. £t could be easily combined into one sentence.

ones    to study motion.

Yet, in 1679, ones would discover that his initial    

One of Smith's main    was his use of...

Admiration for Smith grew in the  of widgetry.

With ones' encouragement, Smith   a number of monographs on r eligious topics.

Smith considers universe to be a gravitational system...

On August 10, 1777, ones was  a letter from...

  of whether...

1. "The" oe Smith? There has only been one?

The first page of the essay starts with:

have been developed (5).

Smith was born prematurely and was so small when

1. Repeating that he was born is redundant.

£n this publication, ones

This would be better written as:

or, depending on the answer to the fourth point:

He was home for approximately  

Simpson was content after

The information on physics before this section is important to understanding

2  

Because the argument took so long, Smith lost.

Although there was a time of  

One  %      was to impose on

[Point being made]:[proof 1];[proof 2];[proof 3]; and[proof 4].

c

the widgetiscope was invented in 1891 in New York, page 16

c ( &) "

oe Smith's personal life

oe Smith's personal life

oe Smith's personal life - blue highlighter

the widgetiscope was invented in 1891 in New York, page 16 (*"

c ,c ) + #

Widget watching information

Kurit comes to Aenna's rooms drunk

4 5

à ! à

oe Smith was the greatest scientist that ever lived.

Well, since oe Smith invented the widgetiscope...

£ think Smith's widgetiscope is an important invention.

( 2

a timeline showing the important steps in the development of a science

4 å !c! (%

c +8 & $ 0

ones had a of analytic geometry.

Whether Smith made

After the publication of whose discoveries: ones' or Smith's?

/ c

During the seventeenth century, the

£n studying widgetry, % &

$ &&

ones to study motion.

Yet, in 1679, ones would discover that his initial

One of Smith's main was his use of...

Admiration for Smith grew in the of widgetry.

With ones' encouragement, Smith a number of monographs on r eligious topics.

On August 10, 1777, ones was a letter from...

of whether...

1. "The" oe Smith? There has only been one?

£n this publication, ones

He was home for approximately

2

Although there was a time of

One % was to impose on

£ &

1. An "object" is a thing. The student means "ones' first objective..."

Undoubtedly, ones was one of the

ohn lived for seven years with his mother's parents

While at Cambridge,