Ken Bechtel - Boundaries Are HOT

By - Ken Bechtel
Boundaries are HOT! 2
About the author -
For over 15 years, Ken Bechtel, the creator of

the Finding Mr. Right Program, has shared
his insights and amusement as a speaker,
educator and relationship mentor to help
women consistently get their needs met and
develop healthy, long-term relationships.
He helps women and men to better

understand and appreciate each other so
they can create happy, healthy, long-lasting
relationships.
Ken teaches that the source of most conflicts and frustrations in our
relationships is no ones fault. It is simple cause and effect.
By understanding our partners, we can cause the effect that gets us to our
goals of love, connection and understanding.
He is also the host of the wildly popular Speaking of Partnership podcast

that is heard in over 100 countries around the world.
Join Ken to learn from the world's leading relationship experts their
personal stories of partnership success and failure.
You can learn more about Ken at www.speakingofpartnership.com.
2017 Finding You In The Goo, LLC info@speakingofpartnership.com

Introduction
Are yousuccessful in your career? Do you have great friends and

generally have a great lifebut your relationships are a mess?
Do you want to find balance between giving and receiving in your

relationships?
Are you ready to be confident in maintaining your boundaries even when

it feels like they are being tested?
Isnt it time to stop putting your needs second to your partners needs?
If any or all of those things sound like you, then this book is definitely for
you.
In this book we are going to focus on romantic relationships.
How setting boundaries will take you from date one, to date two, to an
exclusive relationship, to a life-long relationship.
And the bonus is what you learn will overflow to enhance all of your
personal, professional and family relationships too.
Would it be helpful to know how to maintain your boundaries with your

family? Absolutely!
I promise you, these skills will completely transform your experience of

visiting your relatives.
How will your work life be different when you are clear on what you need to
be your best?

You are confident in how to express them in a way that inspires support for
your needs.
These skills can revitalize your career!
In this book Im going to share with you a mans perspective on boundaries.
And frankly, you need to hear it.
Because what you dont know about the impact your lack of boundaries has
on your relationships is HUGE, and it is getting in the way of you being
loved for who you truly are deep down.
See, nobody wins when you are afraid to set boundaries.
Without healthy boundaries you will never feel supported.
Without healthy boundaries, the gift that is you will never feel safe to come
out and play.
Without healthy boundaries you will never find your Mr. Right!
But with healthy boundaries you can have it all!
Take a minute and imagine what it will be like to wake up every morning
next to a man who you know is committed to your happiness.
A man who knows that what you need is what he needs because you are
on the same team.
He is your partner! Feel what that WILL be like.
This is exactly what you can experience when you set boundaries that
honor you as you connect with him.

I often talk about the 3 Keys to Finding Your Mr. Right.
To put boundaries in context, here are the 3 keys you must master in order
to Find Your Mr. Right.
1. Know what you need to be happy - what do you need deep down to
be happy in a life-long relationship
2. Set boundaries that honor your needs - standing up for your true
self, so you never lose yourself in a relationship againwhile you draw
men closer at the same time.
3. How to communicate your needs - in a way that will inspire your man
to consistently provide what you need without creating conflict or being
viewed as needy
In this book we will focus on the second of these 3 keys - How to Set
Boundaries that Actually Draw Men Closer.
Why is it important that you master the art of setting boundaries?
So you dont lose yourself in your next relationship
Because boundaries are essential for the long-term

health of all relationships.
And boundaries make it clear that you love and

respect yourself and invite your partner to do the
same.

Most relationships follow a path like this
Notice how the Happy times are farther and farther apart and each one is
shorter than the last one?
Have you experienced something similar in your relationships?
This is what happens when you are chasing Maybes.
When you follow this common relationship path, you spend a great deal of
time in what I call Maybe-Land.

You are settling for less than you deserve and your needs are not being
consistently met.
And one of the primary causes of being in Maybe-land is inconsistent or

nonexistent boundaries.

After your read and apply what is in this book you will be considerably
closer to having your next relationship go like this
Notice there is no time spent in Maybe-land!
One of the 3 keys to moving out of Maybe-land is setting clear boundaries

that support you in getting your needs consistently met.
How does that sound!
Are you ready to leave Maybe-land forever?

If your answer is yes then own it! Own it for yourself.
Setting boundaries is not easy. It takes practice and commitment.
Commit to having a happier and more fulfilling life.
I love this quote from Jack Canfield about committing. He says
99% is a bitch100% is a breeze!

If you are anything less than 100% committed it is too easy to back slide
and repeat the same patterns that have led to unfulfilling relationships in
the past.
Once you fully commit and take action, attaining your goals becomes a
breeze.
What feeling comes up for you when you think of setting boundaries?
The most common answers I get from women are: fear, dread, anxiety and
limitation. Not a lot of fun.
My mission is to end the silent suffering that you endure when you fear that
the boundaries required to get your needs met, will only make things worse
and drive him away, so you settle.
My goal for you is for you to have bullet-proof boundaries.
No more putting yourself and your needs last.
Are you ready to learn what this takes?
Fantastic!

Chapter 1
All boundaries are NOT created equal

Boundaries are an interesting subject.
They can be a bit esoteric, but they are vital to a healthy relationship.
Understanding what type of boundaries you are setting will empower you to
no longer fear setting boundaries.
This is what I hear from most all of my clients when I ask them about
THEIR boundaries
Im too accommodating.
I am terrible at setting boundaries
Boundaries scare me.
Even when I set boundaries they dont last.
Truth is, you have to set and maintain clear boundaries if you want to find
the man of your dreams. Your Mr. Right.
And here is the first mindset shift I have for youyour Mr. Right is not a
person.
Mr. Right is the experience of getting your needs met consistently.
Mr. Right is a feeling!

And that feeling of someone being your Mr. Right is generated by your
needs being met.

Imagine you meet a mature, well educated, financially secure, gorgeous,

available, ready to commit guy but if you don't feel comfortable and like you
can be yourself around him, then he will not feel like Mr. Right, right?
He may look like Mr. Right on paper, but he does not FEEL like it.
And your feelings are unarguable. Trust them.
There is no way to find your Mr. Right if you dont stand up for what
you need with clear boundaries.
You cannot expect your partner to care more about your needs than you
do, or your relationships will look like this
And this clearly will not work.
When you hear the word boundary, you probably think of a wall or a barrier
of some sort. Something to keep someone else out.
The truth is, most women dont set boundaries.

You put up defenses.
Heres why.
Every women on earth is driven

by a powerful need for
connection because connection
creates the feeling of safety. So
doing or saying anything that
may sever the connection does
not feel safe.
Therefor, boundaries do not feel safe.
As long as you operate from the belief that when you set a boundary you
are building a wall, then you will never feel comfortable setting a boundary.
Do you see it?

And this belief will lead you to delay setting your boundaries until you are
so frustrated that you create defenses instead of boundaries.
Which leads us to
The Wall vs. The White Picket Fence

Clearly walls are to keep something or someone out and withhold what you
have from them.
Not an ideal approach to creating connection in a relationship right?
But all boundaries are not Walls.
Healthy, connecting boundaries are not about division, they are about
ownership, like a white picket fence.

We all know that a white

picket fence isnt the same
kind of barrier a wall is,
because if you really
wanted to you could get
over them.
What the picket fence does

is it denotes ownership.
It says This is my yard,

and unless I invite you in, I
ask that you stay out.
A boundary makes it easy for someone to know how to interact with

you in the way that works best for you.
When you have a picket fence around your yard, you can still talk with your
neighbors when they walk by.
You can have all the interactions you had when the fence is not there, but
now you have owned the space you need to feel safe, to feel powerful, to
feel supported, to feel free!
Healthy boundaries are

ways to let people in,
in a way that supports you.
This is what you need to be your fullest expression and it invites your
partner closer.

Look at these two images
You can feel the difference just from these images cant you?
Which one is more inviting?
I think we both know that answer dont we?
Heres an example of how you might use this in your life:
Lets say you are someone who knows you need at least 8 hours of sleep
every night to be your best. And you start seeing a guy who is great, but he
is a night owl and likes to stay out late.
Now the most common approach is to just go along to get along.

Compromise your sleep to spend time with him because you dont want

him to think you are boring or too focused on your work or have no time for
him.
And guess what? He will have no idea staying out late is not serving you.
Then one day you will be at the end of your rope and you will let him
know
I cant keep doing this! or Why do we always have to do what you want to
do?
And you create what you think is a boundary, but it is actually a wall.
On the other hand you could OWN that you need at least 8 hours of sleep
as soon as it is being compromised.
You could say something like
I love spending time with you, and I know myself and for you to experience
the best version of me, I need to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night. How
can we make this work?
Notice in this case you not build a wall, you created a picket fence and
owned your needs.
You invited him to come closer and partner with you.
The question you must ask yourself is what do you need to feel like and be
the best girlfriend, partner and YOU you can be?
Now could a fence create division and separation and not feel safe?
Absolutely.
Especially if your fence looks like this

Which is why you need to become a pro at the second element for setting
boundaries that draw men closer.
And this second element is being conscious about

Chapter 2
Where are your boundaries coming from?

Choosing where your boundaries come from is the difference between
drawing him nearer and pushing him away.
Now I warned you that boundaries can be a bit esoteric and hard to
comprehend, but stay with me and it will all make sense shortly. I promise.
As I mentioned earlier, most women do not set boundaries, you put up

defenses.
And this happens when you wait until you are so frustrated that your needs
are not being met that you go into defensive mode.
Or you come into a relationship so angry or hurt about how past

relationships have gone, that you are on the defensive from the start.
Basically your guy is walking into a mine field.
Defensive mode will always divide.
The key to setting boundaries that connect, is to create them from love.

In order to come from love you must:
set your boundaries early
and you have to recognize that by honoring yourself, you are honoring
your partner
This sets both you and your partner up to win.
It is commonly believed that making your needs a priority and setting

boundaries that support you is a selfish thing to do. This is false.
It is actually selfish not to set boundaries that honor yourself because

without your needs being met, you will not have the energy and the support
you need to be your best self.
You are effectively withholding your gifts from your partner and the world
when you dont set boundaries.
According to Authenticity Coach Sile Walsh
A boundary says:
You must respect me
to be close to me.
This is true because a boundary makes it clear that you respect yourself.
Boundaries show respect for yourself and

requiring it from others.
When you set your boundaries from love, your

boundaries do not send people running away.
People actually feel honored to be in the

presence of a boundary set from love.

I often get asked, Ken, you arent suggesting I set boundaries the first time
I talk to a guy are you?
Not randomly, no.
But if you get an uncomfortable feeling during your conversation that is a

little messenger saying something needs to be different.
And that messenger will whisper at first, and this is your chance to set a
picket fence.
Or you can wait until the messenger is screaming at you and then you will
be in defensive mode and youll be screaming at your partner and likely put
up a wall.
Can you see it?
Something to know is that
How a man responds to your needs will tell you

if he is a good candidate for partnership or not.
So the longer you wait to set your boundary, the longer you go not knowing
if he will be a good partner or not.
Most people have not had many good models of healthy boundaries in their
lives. You may have grown up in a boundary-less household.
So lets take another look at how boundaries can be applied in the real
world:
Lets say you are on a first phone call with a guy. He does something that
does not feel good. Like interrupting you when you are talking.

You could dismiss how you feel and come up with excuses for his behavior
like, he is clearly excited to meet me or it is nice to meet a man who is so
enthusiastic.
Then months later when he is still interrupting you and it is now gotten to
the point you cant stand it anymore and you go off on him and throw up
your defenses = wall.
Or you could be honest the first time it happens and say Ouch, that kind of
hurt. or ask Why did you do that?
Doing this will typically elicit one of two responses.
He will either be totally intrigued and share what his good reason was for
this behavior (i.e. you just invited him closer) or he will be dismissive and
ignore what you said or say something like Youre too sensitive.
Either way you find out a great deal about his potential as a partner.
Ask yourself, how soon do you want to start sorting the good candidates for
partnership from the not so good ones?
How valuable is your time, energy and your heart?
When you set a boundary before there is a charge to them, then you create
a picket fence.
You are coming from love.
You are creating an opportunity for a conversation, an exploration.
This is the power of setting your boundaries from a position of love instead
of defensiveness.
Do you see it?

Chapter 3
Boundaries are ________!

There are a lot of misconceptions about how men will respond to your
boundaries.
These misunderstandings have a lot to do with why setting boundaries may

bring up feelings of fear for you.
Women tell me they think
Boundaries will chase him away.
Boundaries will make him angry.
Boundaries will make them look needy or demanding.
All of these are possible when you set your boundaries from a place of
defensiveness, but you now know that waiting until you are so frustrated
that you create walls does not serve you.
From now on, you will be setting your boundaries from a place of love,
right? You will be setting up picket fences.
And when you set your boundaries from love it shows you respect yourself.
When I ask men what they think of women with clear boundaries, they
say

Well, I cant speak for anyone else, but I think
Boundaries are Hot!
And they go on to say that they are hot because your clear boundaries tell
him exactly what you need so he can provide it for you.
Men are born providers and any healthy man who is emotionally involved
with you will be compelled to provide for you.
Men continually say, life would be so much better if women would just be
direct about what they want and need.
Here is the key, you can never be too direct with a man as long as you are
coming from love.

Chapter 4
Now What!
You probably already know which one of these two approaches to
boundaries you usually employ - Love or Defensiveness.
Going from one tendency to the other is possible.
But it is hard to do alone because so much of our behavior is habitual,

under-the-radar stuff.
This makes it difficult to recognize when youre doing it, because its just so
normal to you.
You need to develop deep awareness of your patterns to begin to untangle

them. And that takes an objective support system.
Which is how I can help you.
One thing I know is the Universe has placed this book in your hands today
for a reason.
Its giving you the chance to say Yes! to a change for the better.
Its giving you the chance to grow and find the man of your dreams, and
have the life you want.
The question is: how committed are you?
Remember when it comes to commitment, 99% is a bitch, but 100%

is a breeze!
Id like to leave you with this parting thought from Simon Sinek

Failure you can do alone,

but success always takes help.
You have the opportunity right now to have success in your love life.
I invite you to take a minute and decide if you are ready to reclaim your
power, take ownership of your needs, and get the support you need to put
YOU first so you can attract Your Mr. Right.
If you are, please CLICK HERE now to join me for a FREE webinar to be
the most irresistible version of YOU that your Mr. Right will adore!
Recap
What does it take to set boundaries that draw men closer -
1. All boundaries are NOT created equal
The Wall vs. The White Picket Fence - Boundaries are about ownership
2. Be conscious of where are you coming from
Choosing where your boundaries come from is the difference between

drawing him nearer and pushing him away.
Choose LOVE!
3. Boundaries are HOT!
Men love a woman with clear boundaries.
Your boundaries let us know how best to contribute to the betterment of

your life.

We want to see you happy, but we are terrible guessers.
Your boundaries save us from guessing and then everyone wins.
To take your next step on your path to partnership click here and watch
this free online seminar.

Ken Bechtel - Boundaries Are HOT

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By - Ken Bechtel

Boundaries are HOT! 2

About the author -

For over 15 years, Ken Bechtel, the creator of

He helps women and men to better

He is also the host of the wildly popular Speaking of Partnership podcast

You can learn more about Ken at www.speakingofpartnership.com.

2017 Finding You In The Goo, LLC info@speakingofpartnership.com

Are yousuccessful in your career? Do you have great friends and

Do you want to find balance between giving and receiving in your

Are you ready to be confident in maintaining your boundaries even when

In this book we are going to focus on romantic relationships.

Would it be helpful to know how to maintain your boundaries with your

I promise you, these skills will completely transform your experience of

2017 Finding You In The Goo, LLC info@speakingofpartnership.com

These skills can revitalize your career!

In this book Im going to share with you a mans perspective on boundaries.

And frankly, you need to hear it.

See, nobody wins when you are afraid to set boundaries.

Without healthy boundaries you will never feel supported.

But with healthy boundaries you can have it all!

He is your partner! Feel what that WILL be like.

2017 Finding You In The Goo, LLC info@speakingofpartnership.com

I often talk about the 3 Keys to Finding Your Mr. Right.

Why is it important that you master the art of setting boundaries?

So you dont lose yourself in your next relationship

Because boundaries are essential for the long-term

And boundaries make it clear that you love and

2017 Finding You In The Goo, LLC info@speakingofpartnership.com

Most relationships follow a path like this

Have you experienced something similar in your relationships?

This is what happens when you are chasing Maybes.

2017 Finding You In The Goo, LLC info@speakingofpartnership.com

And one of the primary causes of being in Maybe-land is inconsistent or

2017 Finding You In The Goo, LLC info@speakingofpartnership.com

Notice there is no time spent in Maybe-land!

One of the 3 keys to moving out of Maybe-land is setting clear boundaries

How does that sound!

Are you ready to leave Maybe-land forever?

2017 Finding You In The Goo, LLC info@speakingofpartnership.com

If your answer is yes then own it! Own it for yourself.

Setting boundaries is not easy. It takes practice and commitment.

Commit to having a happier and more fulfilling life.

I love this quote from Jack Canfield about committing. He says

99% is a bitch100% is a breeze!

My goal for you is for you to have bullet-proof boundaries.

No more putting yourself and your needs last.

Are you ready to learn what this takes?

2017 Finding You In The Goo, LLC info@speakingofpartnership.com

All boundaries are NOT created equal

I am terrible at setting boundaries

Boundaries scare me.

Even when I set boundaries they dont last.

Mr. Right is the experience of getting your needs met consistently.

Mr. Right is a feeling!

2017 Finding You In The Goo, LLC info@speakingofpartnership.com

Imagine you meet a mature, well educated, financially secure, gorgeous,

And your feelings are unarguable. Trust them.

And this clearly will not work.

The truth is, most women dont set boundaries.

2017 Finding You In The Goo, LLC info@speakingofpartnership.com

You put up defenses.

Every women on earth is driven