THE WANGS

S3E9

"Half Fish Person"

Harry Jonathan Chong

9/5/2016

According to the Japanese a mermaid is a dish best served cold.

The Wangs hope to change that.
EXT. COWABUNGA BEACH - DAY

The day is quiet.

The only people we see here are the Wangs: CHANG, MINDY,
EMILY, HARRY, and CRAIG.

Together they are all relaxing, sitting in beach chairs --

dressed up in burkinis (of course, minus Craig).

CHANG
So, how does everyone like their
burkinis? They were pretty
expensive. Mahmoods Burkini shop
does not give you a bargain.

HARRY
I dont wanna wear a burkini.

Chang sits up, and stares at Harry.

CHANG
You have to! This is a protest
against the government! Theyre
trying to control what we wear, and
what we do! We have to resist!

EMILY
Yeah, Harry, be a team player.

MINDY
I like burkinis. They prevent skin
cancer -- and perverts from staring
at my juicy posterior.
CRAIG
Heyyy, how come I dont get to wear
a burkini?

Chang lays back down on his beach chair.

CHANG
Craig, youre a robot. You dont
need to cover up. Youre always
naked... You dirty slut.

HARRY
I cant take this anymore. Im
going for a swim.

Harry gets up from his seat, and heads out. He gets to the
water, and tentatively stares at the vast ocean. He dips a
foot into the water, and wades in.
 2.

Up to his neck in blue, salty liquid, he takes in a deep

breath, and exhales.

HARRY (CONTD)
Welp, this isnt my idea of fun,
but it is relaxing. I can feel the
cool water going up my bum-hole.

As Harry starts to relax all of a sudden something pulls his

head underneath the water.

Then he comes up to the surface as fast as he went down.

Looking confused he tries catching his breath.

Then he is submerged again two more times. Each time of

course he returns with his head above water.

Harry waves his arms, and screams to his family.

HARRY (CONTD)
Help! HELP! HELP ME!

But Mindy, and Chang have their eyes closed. Emily is not
even there, and Craig is upside down with his head literally
stuck in the sand.

BACK TO HARRY

He is pulled under the water a fourth time; however, it seems

he is not going to come back up.

UNDER WATER

Harry is unconscious, passed out, slowly sinking.

Then out of the blue a mermaid wearing a t-shirt with a
smiley face on it makes an appearance.

This mermaid named ELANNA is a slender redheaded girl, who

has a bright orange tail.

She quickly picks up Harry, and brings him to the surface.

She drags him onto a quiet area on the beach, and lays him
down.

She begins mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Elanna puts her face to Harrys face, and pushes her air into
his lungs. She does this about five times, and when she goes
in for #6, Harry suddenly awakes, and spews water at her
face.
 3.

Elanna winces, but then, with great concern, looks at Harry,

who is only semi-conscious. Hes staring up at her, not able
to move.

HARRY (CONTD)
Are you an angel?

ELANNA
I am that I am. Errr, green eggs,
and ham.

HARRY
You wot?

Elanna turns around, and starts making her way to the water.
Harry using what energy he has sits up, and watches her.

Elanna gets into the ocean, and dives down. Her bright orange
tail goes up into the air, and then disappears.

Shocked, Harry has his eyes wide open.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL #90456 - DAY

RORY the raccoon is sitting outside, eating an apple.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL #90456, CAFETERIA - DAY

Harry is having lunch with Emily, and Emma.

HARRY
Im telling you this bitch was a
fucken mermaid.
EMMA
If she saved your life, why are you
calling her a bitch?

HARRY
Oh, its not an insult. Its a
filler word. Its like saying
dude or buddy or pal.

EMMA
I dunno. I dont like it.

HARRY
Bitch, please.

Emma glares at Harry.

 4.

EMILY
Harry, this mermaid story makes no
sense. Why would a mermaid wear a
shirt with a smiley face on it?
Shes an aquatic creature, a
literal half fish person. She would
have no need for a shitty t-shirt
from Hot Topic.

HARRY
You like Hot Topic.

Emily slams her fist down on the cafeteria table.

EMILY
I DO NOT!

Harry, and Emma seem taken aback.

HARRY
Whoa, Emily, whats your freaking
problem?

EMILY
Im sorry.
(singing)
Im a creep. Im a weirdooo...

HARRY
Uhhh, alright then. Sure.

At this moment a portal in the cafeteria opens up, and Chang,

who appears in a rush, comes stumbling through, and falls
down.
But he gets up, and the portal disappears. He runs over to
Harry, Emily, and Emmas table.

CHANG
HARRY!

The three look at Chang. His energy is frantic, and excited.

HARRY
Dad?

CHANG
Remember that whole mermaid thing?

HARRY
How could I forget?
 5.

CHANG
Remember how I said you were full
of shit, and smelled of cheese?

Harry stares at Chang.

CHANG (CONTD)
Well, it turns out that mermaids do
exist! It came on the news. Some
Japanese fishermen caught your
mermaid, and they auctioned her off
to the highest bidder. Yamamoto
restaurant is going to turn her
into sushi.

Chang grabs Harry, and starts shaking him.

CHANG (CONTD)
HARRY! WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!
This mermaid is the greatest
scientific discovery of modern
history! Shes the missing link!
THE GODDAMNED MISSING LINK!

Emily, and Emma watch uncomfortably as Chang continues

shaking Harry.

Harrys head just flops around like hes a British baby.

EXT. WORLD MAP - DAY

On a world map a picture of an airplane travels from 99 Oaks,

California to Kyoto, Japan.

EXT. JAPAN, KYOTO - DAY

The scenery in Kyoto is classic Japanese, beautiful, and

serene.

On a mountain there is a tour bus with the markings SAFELINE

TOURS.

It comes rolling down a winding road, carrying: Chang, Mindy,

Emily, Harry, Emma, and Craig.

As all seems going alright a TANUKI appears trying to get

across the road.

The JAPANESE BUS DRIVER has a look of horror on his face, and
he steps on the brake.
 6.

The bus skids a half circle, and then jumps into the air,
over the Tanuki, and turns, and crash lands onto the ground
with a sharp, spinning slide.

Now, the bus lays motionless, on its side, and begins spewing
grey smoke.

There is silence, and then Changs voice is heard.

CHANG (O.S.)
...Alright, everyone off the bus!

We hear the JAPANESE BUS DRIVERs voice.

JAPANESE BUS DRIVER (O.S.)

Wait! You cannot leave!

CRAIG (O.S.)
And why the hell not?

JAPANESE BUS DRIVER (O.S.)

I have crashed the bus. I bring
great shame to my family.

MINDY (O.S.)
Its OK. No ones hurt, right?

EMILY (O.S.)
Yup. Were good to go.

EMMA (O.S.)
Actually, I think I bruised my
cheek.

JAPANESE BUS DRIVER (O.S.)

Ohhh, because of me, you are hurt.
I have dishonored my ancestors.

We hear the sound of a katana being withdrawn from its

sheath.

HARRY (O.S.)
Dude, is that a katana?

JAPANESE BUS DRIVER (O.S.)

Seppuku! SEPPUKU! I am going to
perform Seppuku -- Japanese ritual
suicide!

MINDY (O.S.)
Now, hold on a minute, we...

The Japanese Bus Driver impales himself with his sword. There
is a sickening noise of stabbing.
 7.

JAPANESE BUS DRIVER (O.S.)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

His blood gushes up, and paints the nearby bus window red.

EMMA (O.S.)
(panicked)
OH MY GOD!
(calm)
I actually dont have a bruise on
my cheek. I just smudged my makeup.

We have a moment of awkward silence, and then --

CHANG (O.S.)
EMMA, you fucking idiot!

Everyone, except Emma, LAUGHS.

EMMA (O.S.)
...Thats not funny.

EXT. YAMAMOTO RESTAURANT - DAY

Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, Emma, and Craig are on the top of
a hill, spying on Yamamoto Restaurant, which is below.

Mindy is looking through a telescope.

CHANG
See anything?

MINDY
Not yet.
Theres no one in front of the restaurant.

CHANG
Why dont you let me look through
the telescope?

MINDY
No way. Not after you gave me that
joke telescope, and made it look
like I had a black eye. I mean,
what the hell? Im your wife? Why
would you do that to me?

CHANG
Im, Im sorry.

MINDY
Just kidding. I dont really care.
 8.

CHANG
(grins, points to Mindy)
Oh, you!

MINDY
Wait! I see something!

In front of the restaurant two Japanese men are carrying

something that looks like a mermaid -- but one cannot be sure
as it is wrapped in a wet towel, and only the orange tail end
is exposed.

HARRY
Is it, is it my mermaid?

MINDY
Might be.

Harry runs down the hill.

CHANG
Wait! Come back, you fool!

Harry stops in front of the two Japanese men carrying the

mermaid, and blocks them from going into the restaurant. He
puts out his arms.

HARRY
Stop! You pieces of dogshit! You
cant kill that mermaid! Its
wrong, wrong, wrongity, wrong!

The two Japanese men glance at each other like, Huh? WTF?

EMILY
I guess I better take care of this.

Emily, on the hill, takes out a sniper rifle, and aims at the
two Japanese men below.

CRAIG
Dont forget to double tap.

EMMA
Oooh, this is exciting!

Mindy stares at Emily. She clears her throat, and taps her on
the shoulder.

EMILY
Yes, mother?

MINDY
Put that thing away!
 9.

Emily frowns.

EMILY
Awww...

She puts away her sniper rifle.

Meanwhile, things are heating up between Harry, and the two

Japanese men carrying the mermaid.

Harry has a tranquilizer gun pointed at them.

HARRY
Drop the mermaid!

The two Japanese men ignore Harry, and try walking ahead.

HARRY (CONTD)
I said dont move!

Harry shoots two tranquilizer darts into their necks, one for
each.

Immediately, they go unconscious, and drop to the ground.

Harry puts away his tranquilizer gun, in his back pocket, and
runs up to what he thinks is the mermaid named Elanna.

He kneels down, and unwraps the bundle, and finds just a

regular, ol fish.

HARRY (CONTD)
Oh, damn it.

At this moment, Chang, Mindy, Emily, Emma, and Craig, having

come down the hill, appear on the scene.

HARRY (CONTD)
(looking at fish)
Wheres my mermaid?

CHANG
Ah, tough luck, kid.
(to Emma, Emily)
Girls, take this fish back to the
river.

EMILY
Aw, why do we have to do it?

CHANG
I had a bad experience with a fish
once.
(to Craig)
(MORE)
 10.
CHANG (CONT'D)
Craig, better go with them. I hear
Japan is full of perverts.

CRAIG
How many perverts?

CHANG
(thinking)
126.8 million.

EMMA
Thats pretty much everyone.

CHANG
Yah, so be careful.

Harry gets up, and watches Emma, and Emily pick up the fish,
and leave with Craig. After, he looks to Chang, and Mindy.

HARRY
OK. Now what?

CHANG
We go into that restaurant...
(points to Yamamota
restaurant)
...And fuck shit up!

MINDY
Do we have to fuck shit up?

CHANG
Yes, Mindy, goddamnit, we are going
to fuck shit up!
MINDY
Oh, alright then.

INT. YAMAMOTO RESTAURANT, DINING AREA - DAY

The doors to Yamamota Restaurant are kicked open by Chang.

He, Mindy, and Harry march inside.

The three stop on a spot, and Chang, who has a machine gun,
shouts at the top of his lungs.

CHANG
Okay, everyone! GET THE FUCK OUT!

All the diners look at Chang, seeming confused.

Chang points his machine gun up in the air, and shoots out a
bunch of bullets.
 11.

All the diners flee.

Chang, Mindy, and Harry continue on, and they go up to the

counter at the end, where there is a SUSHI CHEF.

The Sushi Chef stares at them, petrified, with his hands out
submissively.

SUSHI CHEF
Please! Dont hurt me! Ill do
anything you want! Anything!
(gestures)
You like sucky sucky?

CHANG
Ew! Were not rapists. We just
wanna know where the mermaid is.

The Sushi Chef points to the kitchen doors.

CHANG (CONTD)
Thank you.
(bows)
Domo arigato... Uhh, Mr Roboto!

Chang, Mindy, and Harry head through the kitchen doors.

EXT. JAPAN, RIVERSIDE - DAY

Emily, Emma, and Craig are by the riverside.

Emily, and Emma lower the FISH from Yamamoto Restaurant, and
release it into the water.
EMMA
There you go, little buddy. Now
youre free.

The fish takes to the water, and swims happily in a circle.

Then it lifts its head up towards the girls, and speaks.

FISH
Thank you for helping me.

CRAIG
Holy crap, a talking fish.

FISH
For your kindness, I grant you one
wish.

EMILY
Seriously?
 12.

FISH
Ah, no. I was just taking the piss.

EMILY
The what?

The fish jumps up, and slaps Emily in the face with its tail,
and then starts swimming down the river.

Emily is stunned, but shakes her head, and quickly realizes

whats happened. She stands up in anger, and goes to chase
the fish.

Emma grabs her, and holds her back.

EMMA
Emily, wait.

Emily shakes her fist at the fish.

EMILY
Come back here, you bastard!
Ill make you into fucking sashimi!

EMMA
Emily, Emily, let it go. Hes not
worth it. Hes just -- a fish.

Emily is fuming, breathing heavily.

INT. YAMAMOTO RESTAURANT, KITCHEN - DAY

Chang, Mindy, and Harry enter the kitchen.

As as soon as they get inside the doors behind automatically
lock with steel bars going across.

The three of them look back.

HARRY
That cant be good.

CHANG
Thank you for telling us that,
Captain Obvious.

Mindy now turns her head forward, and her eyes go wide. She
points.

MINDY
Look.

Chang, and Harry look.

 13.

MINDY (CONTD)
Its the mermaid.

In the middle of kitchen is the mermaid named ELANNA. She is

confined to a large, cylindrical tank with water.

MINDY (CONTD)
That or a really good cosplayer.

HARRY
Its probably not a cosplayer.

Chang, Mindy, and Harry go up to this tank, where Elanna is.

They stare curiously.

Elanna appears to be frightened, and scared.

Yet Harry is in awe, and he puts his hand on the glass.

Elanna moves away.

HARRY (CONTD)
Shes afraid of me.

CHANG
(to Elanna)
Were not Japanese! Were not going
to eat you! Were vegetarians!

MINDY
(to Elanna)
Were here to help.
(to self)
The release should be around here
somewhere.
Mindy looks around the kitchen, and spots a lever on the wall
marked release. She goes up to it, and pulls it.

However, the tank Elanna is in remains the same. But then a

hole in the wall appears, and a Samurai in ball-form comes
rolling out, and unfurls upon landing on the floor.

On his feet, he takes out the handle of a sword. He clicks a

button on it, and a blade looking to be made out of light
comes out.

This is a LIGHT KATANA.

SAMURAI
(in Japanese)
Death to the foreigners!

Chang, Harry, and Mindy stare.

 14.

CHANG
I dont know what you said, but I
can only assume youre an asshole.

Chang uses his machine gun, and points it at the Samurai, and
shoots.

The Samurai deflects all the bullets with his light katana.

CHANG (CONTD)
The fuck?

Chang reloads his machine gun, and gives it a second shot.

The same result. All the bullets are deflected.

CHANG (CONTD)
Mindy, you wanna give this a try?

Mindy joins back with Chang, and Harry, and from this spot
takes out her wand. She points it at the Samurai.

MINDY
And here we go!

Mindy motions her hand, and casts a spell that throws out
what looks like a ball of light.

But the Samurai swats at it, and, like a tennis ball, throws
it back at her.

Mindy, Chang, and Harry duck, and it goes over their heads.

MINDY (CONTD)
I think Ill go with another spell.
Mindy motions her wand a second time.

Once again the Samurai deflects this, too. The spell flies
back to Mindy, but this time hitting her wand.

She drops her wand like its hot, and on the floor it burns
up, and disintegrates.

MINDY (CONTD)
That was my favorite wand.

But the Samurai dont care. He twirls his light katana, and
starts moving towards Chang, Mindy, and Harry, who back up as
he comes in.

Desperate, Chang throws his empty machine gun at the Samurai.

The Samurai, using his light katana, slices it in two before

it can hit him. The pieces miss, and fall to the floor.
 15.

HARRY
Good idea, dad. The guy who
deflected bullets cant stop an
empty machine gun traveling several
miles per hour.

CHANG
Yah, yah, what happened to that
tranquilizer gun you had?

HARRY
No more darts left -- but I dont
need it. I have a rape whistle.

Harry takes out a whistle.

HARRY (CONTD)
Actually, I think its just a
regular whistle.

Chang looks at Harry like hes a total idiot.

The Samurai then raises his light katana, and charges at the
Wangs.

Harry blows on his whistle: TWEEEEET!

The Samurai stops, and drops his katana, like hes in pain.
He puts his hands over where his ears should be.

MINDY
(gasps)
Its working!

Harry blows his whistle three more times.

At each blow the Samurai reacts as if he is being tortured.

Finally, Harry uses his whistle a one last time, and he blows
into his whistle as hard as he can.

The sound wracks the Samurai, and he writhes in pain, and,

after what seems too long, drops dead to the ground.

Chang, Mindy, and Harry stare tentatively.

HARRY
Is he dead?

Harry puts away his whistle. He, and Chang, and Mindy go over
to the Samurai, and look down at him.

Chang removes the Samurais face mask, and helmet, revealing

a man with really, really, really enormous ears.
 16.

MINDY
Dang, those are some big ass ears.

CHANG
He looks like a car on the road
with its two front doors open.

HARRY
His mother is probably an elephant.

MINDY
When he heard the phrase lend me
your ears he only needed one ear.

Elanna bangs on the glass of her tank.

ELANNA
Help me! Stop making jokes!

Chang picks up the Samurais light katana, and then he, and
Mindy, and Harry return to the tank where Elanna is kept in.

CHANG
(to Elanna)
Get back!

Elanna moves as far back as she can.

Chang uses the light katana, and draws a circle on the glass
of her tank. He steps off to the side, and gives it a firm
tap.

Immediately, the circle breaks off, and creates a perfect

hole. Elanna, along with the water, come rushing out.
Chang, Mindy, and Harry now stare down at the mermaid who is
at their feet.

Elanna looks up at them, having a shy, nervous grin. She

timidly gestures a hello, twiddling her fingers.

ELANNA
...Hello.

EXT. MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON - DAY

Its a prison, where security is maximum.

INT. MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON, VISITATION AREA - DAY

There are two parts to this area. One side for prisoners, and
one side for visitors.
 17.

In the middle are cubicles. Each cubicle has a partition

made of Plexiglas, and a telephone receiver to converse.

Here, under the watch of security, amidst the company of a

slew of characters, MINDY is speaking to Chang who is dressed
in a striped prisoners uniform.

MINDY
I still cant believe youre in
prison -- and that that margarine I
bought is not really butter.

CHANG
Never mind me being in prison,
Mindy. There are more important
things at stake here. Do you
remember that mermaid?

MINDY
Elanna?

CHANG
(puzzled)
Is that her name?
(carries on)
Anyway, Elanna the mermaid sent me
a telegram. She told me that her
step-mother, the so called Queen
of the Sevens Seas, is planning on
causing a HUGE earthquake that will
sink every city on the west coast
into the fucking ocean -- including
99 Oaks!

MINDY
Why would anyone do that?

CHANG
The Queen thinks the oceans are
boring, and that they need some
decorations. I dunno. That bitch is
crazy.
(snaps fingers)
Oh, no, wait. Now I remember.
Mermaids like eating people.

Mindy is silenced, in disbelief.

CHANG (CONTD)
Sinking all the coastal cities into
the water will provide them a nice,
cheap source of food.
 18.

MINDY
How do we stop this?

CHANG
Elanna is being held in a top
secret laboratory. You have to free
her, and get her back to the ocean.

MINDY
What if she eats me?

CHANG
Worry not, my dear. Shes a vegan.

MINDY
OK, I get Elanna back to the ocean,
what exactly is she gonna do?

CHANG
Either a fight to the death, or
she, and her step-mother will have
a heart to heart conversation, and
come to an agreement.

Mindy closes her eyes, and crosses her fingers.

MINDY
Ooh, I hope its a fight to the
death.

CHANG
Me too, but dont get your hopes
up. People these days dont like
fighting to the death.

EXT. NATIONAL SCIENCE LAB - DAY

A sign indicates that we are in front of the famous National

Science Laboratory.

INT. NATIONAL SCIENCE LAB, LAB - DAY

We find ourselves in a very sophisticated, and complex,

perhaps convoluted laboratory.

There are gizmos, and gadgets, and all sorts of strange

equipment in operation.

The only person here right now is an armed SECURITY GUARD. As

we watch him a teeny tiny but long rope drops from above, and
dangles above his hat.
 19.

Our eyes then look upward. This rope is running all the way
up to a ventilation shaft.

From between the spaces of the vent cover, Mindy, Emily,

Harry, and Craig, in very, very small form, come on out.

They start climbing down the rope.

When they are near the bottom, Mindy uses her wand, and zaps
the security guard, turning him into a big block of jelly.

Now, she, Emily, Harry, and Craig drop down, and using the
block of jelly like a springy cushion, bounce off, and, get
down onto the floor with a roll.

MINDY
Lets do this!

Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig get to their feet, and start
running through the lab.

Seems like theyre going fast but a pullback reveals they are
traveling rather slowly.

Zoom back in!

Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig find an electronic console

resting against a wall.

Craig tosses up a grappling hook, then Emily, and Harry,

linking their hands together, give Mindy a boost. She hops
off them, and grabs the line of the grappling hook, and with
a robust speed, gets all the way to the top.

On the console she pries open a panel, and slips inside. She
lands on a motherboard, and hastens over to a set of wires.
She pulls out these wires with a hard tug.

She then quickly gets out of the console, and slides down the
line of the grappling hook.

Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig look up, and watch the console
spark, and then set on fire, and go offline.

Then the next moment, the section beside the broken console
splits, and slides open, revealing the place where Elanna is
kept.

Everyone looks of course. They see that Elanna is strapped

down to a sterile, metal table, where nozzles give her a
spritz of water to keep her moist.

ELANNA
Whats happening? Where am I?
 20.

Now, Mindy sprinkles some magic dust over herself, and Emily,
Harry, and Craig. Instantly they grow back to normal size.

MINDY
Lets do this.

The four march over to Elannas table.

ELANNA
The fuck are you guys doing here?

MINDY
Quiet! Were here to bust you out!

Mindy, Harry, and Emily undo Elannas straps simultaneously.

Following, Craig scoops her up into his arms.

ELANNA
Hurry. I have to get back to the
ocean, otherwise Ill shrivel up,
and die. Mermaids, and land are
like gingers, and the sun -- or a
really bright light bulb -- they
just dont go well together.

So, Craig, carrying Elanna, and Mindy, Harry, and Emily start
making their retreat, heading for the door at the end of the
laboratory.

As they are about to reach their destination the door bursts

open, and a gang of security guards pour in.

Theres at least two dozen of them. They point their guns.

The HEAD GUARD shouts.
HEAD GUARD
Dont move! Put the mermaid down!

CRAIG
How can I put the mermaid down, if
I cant move?

HEAD GUARD
Wise-ass, eh?

The security guards are angered, and begin to shoot.

Mindy casts a spell in the air, and creates an invisible

shield. All the bullets are stopped, and fall to the ground.

The security guards soon are on empty as told by the clicking

of their guns.

TROY the security guard takes note.

 21.

TROY
Were out of bullets!

HEAD GUARD
Then well whomp their asses good!
Nightsticks out!

The security guards all take out their nightsticks, and

charge at Mindy, Emily, Harry, Craig, and Elanna.

Mindy casts a wide spell, using her wand, and turns them all
into various plates of food.

EMILY
Mom, why do you keep transforming
everyone into food?

MINDY
Dont worry. Its only temporary.

HARRY
Hey, a job done is a job done.

CRAIG
Yeahhh, lets get the hell outta
here.

Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig, whos still carrying Elanna,

run for the exit.

They hastily get through the door.

And then a moment passes by.

Harry backtracks, returning to the lab, and picks up a dish

that has an eclair on it. He takes it, and stuffs it into his
mouth, and chews.

MINDY (O.S.)
Harry! You know thats actually a
person, right?

Harry spits out the chewed up eclair onto the plate in his
hand. Its a disgusting, sugary mush.

EXT. NATIONAL SCIENCE LAB - DAY

The front doors to the lab swing open, and Mindy, Emily,
Harry, and Craig, carrying Elanna, run outside.

But they dont stop for anything; they keep on going.

 22.

Then right after a wall of the National Science Lab literally

bursts open, and LASER CANNON BOT, a robot on tank-style
wheels comes on out.

He starts blasting a set of -- what else? -- laser cannons.

LASER CANNON BOT

You cannot outrun Laser Cannon Bot!
Laser Cannon Bot knows everything
about you, including your Social
Security Number!

LASER BEAMS everywhere.

EXT. COWABUNGA BEACH - DAY

Mindy, Emily, Emma, Harry, and Craig are on the sands,

looking out at the water.

Elanna is in the ocean, waving goodbye to them.

ELANNA
Goodbye, everyone! Thank you for
helping me! Ill never forget any
you -- especially the fat one!

Harry points to himself: Who me?

ELANNA (CONTD)
Later, alligator!

Elanna waves once more, and when the Wangs wave back, she
dives down, and disappears.
Craig snivels, and sheds a single tear out of motor oil.
Sadly, he wipes it away using his finger.

CRAIG
She was the only mermaid I ever
knew, but damnit she was the best!

Now at this moment we hear the sound of a horn.

Everyone turns their heads, and see Chang steering what looks
like a a pirate ship.

Smiling, he waves to his family -- and Emma.

CHANG
Ahoy, maties! Ive escaped from
prison! Dont ask how! There was a
lot of blood, and I mean A LOT.
 23.

EXT. NORTH PACIFIC OCEAN - DAY

In spite of the time, the day has nothing but gloomy weather.
Its cloudy, and dark, and rain is pouring down.

Mindy, Emily, Emma, Harry, and Craig are all gathered on

Changs pirate ship.

They stay behind him as he steers his vessel, using a large

wheel.

CHANG
Ive been doing my research, and
this whole mermaid thing goes a lot
deeper than we think. The
earthquake to make all the cites on
the coast go into the ocean isnt
just for a quick dinner.

CRAIG
Oh, no?

CHANG
The mermaids want to steal peoples
legs, so they can gain the ability
to walk, and then conquer the land.

EMMA
Far out.

CHANG
No, this is not a good thing, Emma.

EMILY
So, what can we do to help?
CHANG
Just keep quiet. Were approaching
the mermaids territory. Im going
to drop a powerful bomb in the
water, and kill them all.

HARRY
You cant do that! What about
Elanna?

MINDY
Yes. What about all the good
mermaids, who dont deserve to die?

CHANG
I dont give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
 24.

MINDY
I knew you were gonna say that.

As Changs pirate ship sails forward all of a sudden a fat,

giant-sized, octopus lady comes roaring out of the water.

BERTHA spreads out her arms, and stares daggers at the Wangs.
And Emma.

BERTHA
Who dares disturb me while I shit?!

HARRY
Aw, hell naw! Its the evil Queen
of the Seven Seas!

EMILY
(to Chang)
KICK HER ASS!

Chang at the helm pushes the center of his ships steering

wheel, activating a button.

The next moment two rocket engines on either side of the ship
pop out, and begin firing.

Chang points his finger forward.

CHANG
Full speed ahead!

He steers the now speeding ship towards Bertha. Bertha who

seems a little confused.

BERTHA
Hey, wait a min --

The bowsprit (the big pointy part) of the ship pierces, and
impales Bertha with a great energy.

BERTHA (CONTD)
Auuuuuuuugh!

Bertha lets out a shriek, and then immediately dies, and goes
limp.

Chang smiles, and pumps his fist.

CHANG
Yes! We did it! We killed the
Queen! Waaahoo!

At this moment, Elanna pops up in the water in front of the

ship. She yells with her hands cupped around her mouth.
 25.

ELANNA
HEY!

The Wangs, and Emma squint, and look down.

HARRY
Elanna?

ELANNA
That wasnt my stepmother the
wicked Queen, you goobers! That was
my piano teacher named Bertha! You
killed my freaking piano teacher!

MINDY
Oooh, Elanna, were really, really,
really sorry.

As soon as Mindy apologizes the pirate ship shes in rumbles,

and then INGRID, another giant mermaid, the wicked Queen of
the Seven Seas rises from the water.

Everyone looks at Ingrid, who is wielding a trident.

INGRID
You better be sorry for I am Ingrid
the Great, the Queen of the Seven
Seas! Peasants, be gone from my
waters!

CHANG
Umm, I hate to say this, but were
actually in an ocean right now. So,
that kinda means youre not the
Queen of this particular area.
INGRID
Shut up!

Ingrid takes her trident, and smashes Changs pirate ship

down the middle, chopping it in half.

Wood pieces fly everywhere, and the Wangs all lose their
footing.

The ship now in two pieces collapses into the water.

UNDER WATER

Bertha, and Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, Emma, and Craig,

along with their broken ship, and what looks like an atomic
bomb, are falling through the water.
 26.

Excluding Bertha, who is dead, they all orient themselves

upward, and swim to the surface.

There they breathe in deeply getting air into their lungs.

ON THE SURFACE OF THE WATER

Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, Emma, and Craig face Ingrid.

Ingrid is holding her trident, pointing it at them.

Her trident is glowing as if full of energy.

INGRID (CONTD)
Any last words?

MINDY
Why do you have such a strong blood
lust for killing humans?

CHANG
Yeah, what did we ever do to you?

CRAIG
Not for nothing, but Im not a
human. So, you should spare my
life.

EMMA
Uhhh, me too.

HARRY
Me three.

EMILY
Me three? Oh, thats such a stupid
joke.

INGRID
(to Chang, Mindy)
BEFORE your ugly children
interrupted me, I was going to
explain myself.

CHANG
Fine. Go on...

INGRID
To me humans are a virus. Theyre
stupid, selfish, and they
vandalize, and harm the world with
their foolishness -- causing wars,
polluting the air, and sullying the
water.
(MORE)
 27.
INGRID (CONT'D)
Overfishing, spilling oil like its
nothing but harmless Kool-Aid.

HARRY
I like Kool-Aid.

INGRID
Once I destroy mankind beauty will
be restored to all the seas, lakes,
and oceans of the Earth.

CHANG
Okay. I admit that makes a lot of
sense, but youre still being kind
of a jerk.

INGRID
Tell someone who give a damn!

Ingrid casts an energy beam from her trident.

The Wangs wince, and shield themselves with their arms.

Then ELANNA jumps in front of them all.

ELANNA
Noooooo!

And she absorbs the energy beam, taking its brunt. When she
lands back in the water, she floats lifelessly, her eyes
staring up at the sky.

Everyones in shock, including Ingrid.

Harry swims over to Elanna, and holds her in his arms.

HARRY
Elanna!

He is trembling, and crying.

HARRY (CONTD)
Dont leave us!

ELANNA
Harry. Be the change that you wish
to see in the world. I, I love
you...as a friend.

HARRY
Oh. Okay. Thats cool. I guess.

ELANNA
Goodbye!
 28.

Elanna dies, and her body dissolves into foam, which seeps
through Harrys fingers.

The only thing left behind is her smiley face t-shirt.

Harry looks up at Ingrid, who seems fraught that she murdered

her step-daughter.

HARRY
How could you? Your own daughter...

Ingrid takes her trident, and points it into her open mouth.
She starts crying.

INGRID
I deserve this.

Mindy puts out a hand, and yells.

MINDY
NO!

Ingrid looks down.

MINDY (CONTD)
Dont do it. This is not what
Elanna would have wanted. If you
want to honor her do the right
thing. Elanna cared for humans. If
you kill yourself the mermaid who
takes your place might just be more
cruel, and wicked. Use your powers
for good. End the violence, and
hate against humankind. Do away
with your weapons, and be peaceful
to people.

INGRID
Youre right... YOURE RIGHT! I
will be a better mermaid, and
ruler, from now! I will get rid of
all our weapons, and we will live
peacefully, and harmoniously with
the humans!

MINDY
Attagirl.

Ingrid takes her trident, holds it above her head, and snaps
it in two with a scream. She then lets it drop into the
water.
 29.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Were back at the Wang household.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, Emma, and Craig are in the living
room watching THE NEWS.

MICHAEL MUNCH IS REPORTING ON TV FOR NVC WORLDNEWS.

As he speaks images correspond to his words.

MICHAEL MUNCH
(on TV)
Good evening. Im Michael Munch
reporting for NVC Worldnews. Our
top story today: Due to overfishing
all mermaids, it is reported, have
gone extinct. Green Peace CEO, Jano
Blokowitz, places the blame
squarely on the Asian, and Japanese
markets insatiable appetite for
delicious mermaid meat. Blokowitz
has stated that, If only the
mermaids had a way to defend
themselves this would have never
happened. They were such
intelligent creatures. Why? Why
didnt they have a way to defend
themselves?!

MINDY, USING THE TV REMOTE, TURNS OFF THE TV.

MINDY
I think thats enough TV for today.

EMILY
Well, that was depressing.

HARRY
I feel sad now.

CRAIG
This fucking sucks!

EMMA
So, mermaids dont exist anymore?

Emily, Harry, Emma, and Craig frown. Chang turns to them.

 30.

CHANG
Kids, Im sorry that this happened.
But this is real life. Its
disappointing. This isnt a TV
show, where everything at the end
is all wrapped up in a neat, happy,
little package... So, suck it up,
huh?

As everyone looks sad theres a RING AT THE DOOR.

Harry gets up to go answer it. Its Elanna but with legs.

HARRY
Elanna!

The others look, seeming surprised.

ELANNA
Harry!

HARRY
I, I thought you died.

ELANNA
I did, but when I got up to heaven,
I prayed to God, and he brought me
back to life -- and with legs! Now
Im a human! I can spend all my
time with you on land!

Emma looks annoyed.

HARRY
This is amazing! Thank you, Jesus!
Elanna, and Harry hug.

Craig gets up, and goes over to Chang, and points at him.

CRAIG
HA! You were wrong, biiiiitch!

Chang folds his arms, and glares.

CHANG
(annoyed)
Mmmmmmmmmmm...!

FADE OUT.