THE WANGS

S3E6

"WISHMEISTER"

Harry Jonathan Chong

7/28/2016

An evil genie named the Wishmeister tries screwing over the Wangs.
EXT. PERSIAN PALACE - NIGHT

The year is 1458... An ancient, Persian palace, a mysterious,

monolithic-like structure, sits quietly amongst the blowing
sands.

INT. PERSIAN PALACE - NIGHT

But inside something is happening. A ritual is taking place.

This ritual is under the supervision of a HEAD SHAMAN, and

his high ranking cousin named Bashir.

They watch over workers, and religious figures chanting as

two strong-looking men pour molten gold into a mold bathed
under moonlight.

When it is done, the precious metal sets, and it glimmers,

taking on the shape of a tablet marked with numerous
hieroglyphics.

The HEAD SHAMAN takes out this MAGIC TABLET, and holds it
aloft.

HEAD SHAMAN
And so, the will of the gods is
done!

But BASHIR adds in his opinion.

BASHIR
Are you sure this is the will of
the gods? Maybe the will of the
gods is that men be kind to one
another, and make the earth a
better place... You know, instead
of spending time, and money on an
object that has only been crafted
for the deification, and glory of
an ancient, religious organization
that quite frankly is on shaky
ground. Literally. We are living on
top of sand.

The Head Shaman lowers his arms, and glares at Bashir.

HEAD SHAMAN
Goddamn it, Bashir. Why do I even
invite you to these things? Youre
always down on everything.
 2.

BASHIR
Hey, fuck me for being realistic,
right?

HEAD SHAMAN
Bashir, youre my cousin, but if
you keep disrespecting me like
this, Im gonna kick your fucking
ass.

BASHIR
Oh, yeah? You couldnt punch your
way out of a wet, papyrus bag.

HEAD SHAMAN
You take that back.

BASHIR
Make me.

The Head Shaman throws down the magic tablet, and tackles
Bashir. Off screen the two have a fight. An exchange of
kicks, and punches are heard.

Meanwhile, the others look disappointed, shaking their heads,

and folding their arms, like theyre dealing with two out of
control children.

EXT. PERSIAN DESERT - DAY

Present day...

A man dressed in a fedora, and brown leather jacket, carrying

a whip, is riding atop a camel.
HARRISON as is his name comes to a stop in front of a cave.
He dismounts his camel, and faces the mouth of the cave.

INT. PERSIAN CAVE - DAY

Harrison enters the Persian Cave in the Persian Desert. He

walks inside, and finds that the place seems furnished, and
decorated like someones already been here.

Cautiously, he continues down, and he comes up to a pedestal,

where the MAGIC TABLET made by the Head Shaman is sitting.

Harrison eyes it with great lust. He takes out a bag of sand,

and makes the ol switcheroo, exchanging it for the Magic
Tablet.
 3.

Harrison pauses for a moment, seeing whether its worked. A

moment passes, without incident, and he makes a grin.

But then a loud rumbling is heard.

The pedestal sinks into the ground, and the wall behind, made
of stone, slides open, revealing a slide. Down the slide
comes a huge boulder.

Harrison sees this, and, with eyes wide open, starts running
in the opposite direction. The boulder rolls his way as if
chasing him.

Harrison does his best to escape but trips on a rock, and is

then squashed flat.

EXT. 99 OAKS MUSEUM - DAY

The 99 Oaks Museum looks like your typical American museum,

which is old but not too old, and seems inspired by ancient-
Greek architecture.

On this building we notice a large banner, or poster,

advertising the feature exhibition within that is about
cinema history, and movies.

INT. 99 OAKS MUSEUM, MAIN GALLERY - DAY

The museum is filled with various artifacts, relics, and art.

In particular things concerning the movie business.

We see that there are: Movie posters, props, costumes, old

film equipment, statues, etc.
Today, the security guard named SEVIN is standing guard.
Whistling, and twirling her baton she is beside a life-sized
statue of the character called the WISHMEISTER -- an evil
genie, who screws everyone over.

The Wishmeister looks like a human, but kinda creepy, like

Steve Buscemi + Gary Busey all in one.

A couple guests to the museum pass by Sevin, and then a

DELIVERY MAN comes along.

The Delivery Man clears his throat for Sevins attention.

Sevin looks, and upon seeing who it is, stops whistling, and
puts away her baton.

SEVIN
Hello, sir, how can I help you?
 4.

DELIVERY MAN
Yo! Got a delivery here for da
museum. Can yeh sign for it?

SEVIN
Actually, Im illiterate but I can
make shapes that look like letters.

DELIVERY MAN
Good enough for me.

The Delivery Man hands Sevin a clipboard with a sheet of

paper. Sevin signs it at the bottom with a square, circle, X,
and triangle.

She gives it back to the Delivery Man, and gets the package
he has in exchange.

DELIVERY MAN (CONTD)

Nice doin business with yeh.

The Delivery Man tips his hat, and walks away.

Sevin tears open the package, revealing the infamous Magic

Tablet.

SEVIN
What the hell is this?

Sevin looks around checking to see whether anyones around.

The coast clear she puts the Magic Tablet into the hands of
the Wishmeister statue, and begins walking away.

SEVIN (CONTD)
Not my problem now.

INT. 99 OAKS MUSEUM, MAIN GALLERY - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

Our focus still on the Wishmeister statue we watch the museum

go from day to night.

And then the Magic Tablet in the Wishmeisters hands begins

to glow, and pulsate.

Something strange is happening -- the eyes belonging to the

Wishmeister statue blink. Is it alive?

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Changs car pulls into the driveway.

 5.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Craig, Harry, and Emily are sitting in the living room.

While Emily reads a book, Harry, and Craig watch TV.

The sound of Chang walking inside the house, and closing the
door behind is then heard. He comes into the living room,
still wearing his coat, and plops down, looking exhausted.

CHANG
(groans)
I hate working. I mean, what year
is it for Godsakes? Why dont we
all have robot slaves to do
everything for us?

CRAIG
(glares at Chang)
Sir, I find this idea of robot
slavery to be highly offensive.

EMILY
Yeah, everyone hates work, dad --
what else is new?

HARRY
Hey, I have an idea.

CHANG
Harry, wheres your mother?

HARRY
Shes in the basement trying to
open up a portal to another world.
CHANG
Interesting...

HARRY
So, as I was saying. You dont like
working, right, dad?

Chang nods.

HARRY (CONTD)
According to my research, if you
become morbidly obese, theres a
program where you can stay at home,
and work on a computer. Okay, I
know its still work, but at least
you dont have to travel.
 6.

CHANG
I dunno. Morbid obesity sounds kind
of unhealthy -- and dangerous.

CRAIG
Oh, so youre afraid of danger now,
are you?

Chang points to Craig.

CHANG
I aint afraid of shit.

EXT. WONGS BUFFET - DAY

Chang and Harry stroll up to Wongs Buffet. They stop, and

look at the decorated sign, wondering whether the All You
Can Eat slogan is for real.

CHANG
Oooh, Wongs Buffet. It says: All
You Can Eat.

HARRY
I dont think thats meant to be
taken literally.

CHANG
Harry, my son, we shall see. We
shall see.

Chang, and Harry walk into Wongs Buffet.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Chang has become morbidly obese, but this has affected his
health, and hes lying in bed hooked up to a cardiac
monitoring machine. He looks really unhealthy.

But Mindys here comforting him, holding his hand with worry.

CHANG
Mindy, if I die, I want you to know
that...I lurve you.

MINDY
You what?

CHANG
I lurve you.
 7.

MINDY
Lurve? You lurve me? What does that
mean?

Chang puts his finger on Mindys lips.

CHANG
Shhhh, dont say anymore. Lets
just enjoy the sound of silence...
which is ironic. Is that, uh, does
that make any sense? Is that
actually irony?

MINDY
I think its an oxymoron.

CHANG
Are you sure its not a contronym?

Mindy seems annoyed, and stares at Chang.

MINDY
...Chang, I know youre sick, but
Im still pretty angry at you. How
could you let yourself go like
this?

CHANG
I became obese, okay, Mindy? If you
wanted to stop me, you should have
spoken up earlier.

MINDY
You invented a machine to make you
fat! Which is a really stupid
idea. Why didnt you make a machine
to make people skinny instead? We
couldve been rich!

CHANG
Mindy, I dont care about money.
Money is the root of all evil.
Actually, people are but they like
to blame money, because money
doesnt have a voice. Its
speechless.

MINDY
CHANG. Listen. You have to lose
weight. You had a heart attack,
alright? Excuse my language, but
this is some serious dog-shit.
 8.

CHANG
Okay. Fine. Ill lose the weight.
But not for me, for you. I want to
be in good shape, so we can, well,
heh, you know...

MINDY
Play video games?

CHANG
Yah, my fingers are so fat.

Chang holds up his hand.

CHANG (CONTD)
I cant even mash the buttons
correctly. I, I have sausage
fingers...! Im like that guy from
that movie, uhhh, Edward Sausage
Hands.

MINDY
Thats not a real movie character.

CHANG
No movie characters are real,
Mindy, whats your point?

MINDY
(sighs)
Never mind.

EXT. LOCAL PARK - DAY

Chang as a morbidly obese man is trying to run around the
track in the park, but he is wheezing, and panting, and
sweating as much as humanly possible.

So, he stops, and heads to the nearby bench. He sits down on

this bench, which upon making contact with his ass lets out a
loud, creaking noise.

Whilst Chang catches his breath the Wishmeister appears, and

takes a seat beside him.

WISHMEISTER
Nice weather were having today.

CHANG
Its hot as fucking balls.

WISHMEISTER
Where Im from its a lot hotter.
 9.

Chang has nothing to say.

WISHMEISTER (CONTD)
Sooooo, do you believe in magic?

CHANG
Uh, yeah, my wifes a witch
actually.

WISHMEISTER
Can she grant people wishes?

CHANG
As far as I know, no.

WISHMEISTER
Well, todays your lucky day, sir,
because I am a genie.

The Wishmeister turns his head, and looks at Chang with a

grin.

WISHMEISTER (CONTD)
Make a wish, and Ill grant it.

CHANG
No. No thanks.

WISHMEISTER
What? Why not?

CHANG
You look like one of those evil
genies that grants people wishes
but fucks em over by
misinterpreting their intentions.

The Wishmeister looks a little nervous.

WISHMEISTER
Oh, er, no, thats not me...at all.
Im not an evil genie. Actually, I
came from a lamp. Like in Disneys
Aladdin. Remember? The genie was
blue, and voiced by Robin Williams.

CHANG
Robin Williams, eh? Heh. Alright
then, Ill make a wish.

WISHMEISTER
Excellent.
 10.

CHANG
I wish... I could lose some weight.
Because, you know, Im so fat.

WISHMEISTER
Ahhh, then I curse you...

The Wishmeister strokes Changs cheek.

WISHMEISTER (CONTD)
...THINNER!

CHANG
Wait, you curse me?

WISHMEISTER
No, errr, you misheard me. I said
nurse. I nurse you thinner.

CHANG
Whew! Thats a relief!

At this moment a PRETTY GIRL appears on the scene. Excitedly

she goes over to the Wishmeister.

PRETTY GIRL
Excuse me.

Chang, and the Wishmeister look at this Pretty Girl.

PRETTY GIRL (CONTD)

Did you say that youre a genie?

WISHMEISTER
I am.
The Pretty Girl begs, clasping her hands together.

PRETTY GIRL
Can you please, please grant me a
wish?

WISHMEISTER
I will try my best. What is your
desire, my dear?

PRETTY GIRL
I wish I could be pretty --
forever!

WISHMEISTER
Wish granted.
 11.

The Wishmeister snaps his fingers. But nothing happens.

The Pretty Girl takes out a pocket mirror, and looks at her
face.

PRETTY GIRL
I still look the same. But I dont
feel any different.

WISHMEISTER
Make a nice pose first.

The Pretty Girl poses.

PRETTY GIRL
Like this?

WISHMEISTER
Just like that.

The Wishmeister snaps his fingers a second time, and

instantaneously the Pretty Girl is frozen in her pose, and
turns into a statue.

A pigeon lands on her head.

Shocked, Chang gets up, and points his finger to the

Wishmeister.

CHANG
You lying son of a bitch! You are
an evil genie!

WISHMEISTER
Yes, but its not my fault that Im
evil. Growing up, I had a rough
childhood. No one loved me, I was
bullied for being a weirdo, and
someone stole my Nintendo
Entertainment System.

The Wishmeister wipes away a single tear.

CHANG
Oh. Thats terrible -- but its
still not an excuse for what youre
doing!

WISHMEISTER
What if I told you being an evil
genie is fun?

CHANG
How so?
 12.

WISHMEISTER
The wishes I do can be pretty
hilarious. One time, this man
wished to be a movie star; so, I
turned him into a starfish, which
was used on the set of the Aquaman
movie.

Chang takes pause, unsure what to say, but then seems amused.

CHANG
Heh. Yeah, thats kinda funny.

The Wishmeister smiles, and nods.

CHANG (CONTD)
Wait, no! Thats not funny! Someone
died!

WISHMEISTER
Alright, how about this? A lady
asked me to be rich, so I gave her
a sardonic sense of humor.

CHANG
Thats it?

WISHMEISTER
Well, she told someone a joke, and
they got really offended, and
stabbed her to death -- in front of
her children.

Chang glares.
CHANG
Okay. Im going now... Asshole.

Chang starts walking away. The Wishmeister gestures goodbye.

WISHMEISTER
Take care of yourself!

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Its 90 Kerry Crescent in all its glory!

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, MASTER BEDROOM - DAY

Chang is lying in bed. Hes as skinny as ever, looking like a

husk of his former self.
 13.

Mindy comes into the room carrying a breakfast tray, that has
hot soup, and sets it down in front of Chang.

MINDY
Eat this. Itll make you feel
better.

CHANG
(tired voice)
I cant eat. I have been cursed
thinner. The only thing that can
help me is if you undo my curse.

MINDY
I cant. The witch community took
away my wand, and my cauldron, and
they banned me from using magic for
a month. A whole month, Chang!

CHANG
Why?

MINDY
I sorta went online, and told some
children that Harry Potter, and his
friends are cock-suckers.

CHANG
But they are cock-suckers, Mindy.
THEY ARE COCK-SUCKERS.

MINDY
Im sorry to say most of those
children did not agree with me.
Neither did their parents.
CHANG
Well then, it looks like Im
totally fucked. I have no magic,
and no scientific knowledge to help
me get better. Im gonna die like
Karen Carpenter.

MINDY
Chang. Look at me.

Chang looks into Mindys eyes.

MINDY (CONTD)
We are going to get through this. I
dont care how powerful the
Wishmeister is. Nothing can defeat
true love.
 14.

CHANG
What about an atomic bomb? I feel
like that could defeat true love.

MINDY
Alright... Not including an atomic
bomb.

CHANG
AIDS? Can true love defeat AIDS?
But not just regular AIDS, super-
deluxe-fantastic AIDS?

MINDY
What does that even -- Chang, you
know I was just being poetic,
right?

CHANG
I dont know anything about poetry.
Im not a homosexual.

MINDY
(doubtful)
Sure youre not a homosexual.

INT. MALL, OUTSIDE SUPPLEMENTS SHOP - DAY

In the mall there is a peculiar health and supplements shop.

INT. MALL, INSIDE SUPPLEMENTS SHOP - DAY

Mindy, and Emily are in the supplements shop browsing. They

are looking at a shelf filled with bottles, and jars of
powders, pills, liquids, etc.

Mindys is inspecting the label on a jar of MUSCLE UP SUPER

SUPPLEMENT.

MINDY
Hmm, I dont know if this is gonna
work. Sounds like a lot of
hyperbole.

Emily picks up a bottle, and shows it Mindy.

EMILY
How about this?

Mindy looks at the bottle, and reads it aloud.

 15.

MINDY
Special 2 in 1 supplement. Enhance
the size of your muscles, and your
wiener.... Welp, we dont have
wieners, so I think well have to
look for something else.

CUT TO:

Mindy, and Emily are at the checkout area, where there is a

huge, muscular man.

This huge, muscular man named BRONZO has his back faced
towards them. He appears to be busy, sorting something out on
the shelves.

Mindy clears her throat to get his attention.

MINDY (CONTD)
Excuse me.

No response.

MINDY (CONTD)
EXCUSE ME.

The huge, muscular man named BRONZO turns around.

BRONZO
Oi!

EMILY
Oi?

BRONZO
OI!

MINDY
What the fuck?

BRONZO
What you do you want, yah?

MINDY
Uh, do you have any, uh, well, how
should I say this...

BRONZO
STEROIDS?! Nah, we dont have any
steroids. Steroids are bad for you,
and theyre highly illegal in
athletic competitions.
(MORE)
 16.
BRONZO (CONT'D)
So, if you wanna get jacked, youll
have to fuck off, and go somewhere
else, mate. Capiche?

Emily takes out a dollar bill, and puts it on the counter.

EMILY
Maybe this would change your mind?

BRONZO
This is a dollar? What am I gonna
do with a dollar?

EMILY
Read what it says.

Bronzo picks up the dollar bill. Theres a message on it. He

reads it out loud.

BRONZO
(reading)
Give us the steroids, or we will
steal your soul!!!!

Bronzo sighs.

BRONZO (CONTD)
Fine. Whatever.

Bronzo whips out two needles, and sticks them into the arms
of Mindy, and Emily.

They step back, in shock, and stare at these needles.

MINDY
Agh! What the hell is this?!
(to Bronzo)
Dude! Not cool!

BRONZO
You wanted steroids. I gave you
steroids.

MINDY
For your information, I was having
second thoughts.

Bronzo shrugs.

At this point, Emily and Mindy start to look dizzy. They are
wobbly on their feet.
 17.

EMILY
(touches forehead)
Oooh, I feel dizzy.

MINDY
Me too.

Mindy, and Emily then faint, and drop to the floor.

Bronzo leans over the counter in front of him, and looks

down.

BRONZO
Thatll be $500, please.

EXT. BIG FIELD - NIGHT

On a cloudy night there sits a vast, empty, field, with

nothing except for grass, and trees.

Then Mindy, and Emily come out the shadows, and appear.

They are wearing their regular clothes, but with the sleeves
cut off, which show off their huge, bulging, steroid-laced
biceps.

After a wee bit of walking the two stop, and observe the
Wishmeister in the distance.

EMILY
(points)
There he is.

The Wishmeister is talking to a man named GARREY.

WISHMEISTER
(to Garrey)
Go on, my friend, make a wish, and
I shall grant it.

Mindy holds up her smart phone, displaying a map.

MINDY
(to self)
My goodness. Google Maps knows
where everything is.

We focus back on Garrey, and the Wishmeister.

GARREY
(to the Wishmeister)
I wish to see my father again.
(MORE)
 18.
GARREY (CONT'D)
He passed away five years ago, and
I really miss him.

WISHMEISTER
Wow. Thats not a selfish wish at
all. I almost feel bad for doing
this.

The Wishmeister snaps his fingers.

GARREY
Wait, what?

All of a sudden a hand pops up from the ground.

Garrey jumps back.

The corpse of Garreys father rises up from the Earth.

GARREY (CONTD)
Holy shit! Dad?!

Garry back-steps as his dead father groans, and lurches

forward like the zombie that he is.

WISHMEISTER
Hes a zombie now, Garrey. I think
you better deal with this.

The Wishmeister hands Garrey a handgun.

Garrey takes it, and reluctantly points it at his zombie

father. But hes trembling, and sweating.

WISHMEISTER (CONTD)
Hurry. Aim for the head. Pull the
trigger.

GARREY
I, I, I cant!

WISHMEISTER
Spare him the agony, Garrey!

Garrey blasts his zombie father in the head, and then he

collapses onto his knees, and starts sobbing uncontrollably.

WISHMEISTER (CONTD)
My work here is done.

The Wishmeister walks in the opposite direction, and

encounters Mindy, and Emily, who have their arms folded.
 19.

EMILY
That was low.

MINDY
Really low.

WISHMEISTER
Who the hell are you two? Would you
like to make a wish?

EMILY
My only wish is to --

Mindy covers Emilys mouth.

MINDY
Shhh! Dont say anything! Hell use
it against you! Lets just kick his
ass in silence.

WISHMEISTER
Ha! You two think you can kick my --

Mindy punches the Wishmeister in the mouth. He stumbles back,

and falls onto his bottom.

WISHMEISTER (CONTD)
I cant believe you did that! I am
an all powerful genie!

MINDY
Are you? You can only fuck people
over if they make wishes! And we
aint wishin shit today, bitch!
Mindy, and Emily swarm on the Wishmeister, and start beating
the shit out of him. He curls in a ball, and tries covering
himself.

WISHMEISTER
Please! Stop! Stop! What do you
want from me?!

Mindy, and Emily stop beating on the Wishmeister to listen to

what he has to say -- at least for now.

MINDY
You cursed my husband thinner! You
take that back!

WISHMEISTER
I, I cant...unless I die. But as
far as I know I am immortal. I know
of nothing that can kill me.
(MORE)
 20.
WISHMEISTER (CONT'D)
I can feel pain, but death is no
consequence to me.

EMILY
So, we continue kicking your ass
then?

WISHMEISTER
Not exactly. You see, when I am in
great pain, I start to change...

The Wishmeister starts shaking uncontrollably, then his skin

starts changing shape, and he transforms into a monstrous,
devil-like creature. He stands to his feet, much bigger, and
stronger than before.

WISHMEISTER (CONTD)
(deep voice)
Now we really get to play!

As Mindy, and Emily stare in shock, the Wishmeister, as this

devil-like creature, swats Mindy aside into a tree, knocking
her unconscious.

Next, wasting no time, he turns to Emily, and grabs her, and

tosses her like shes nothing. She lands on the ground, and
its lights out.

Now the Wishmeister scopes his handiwork, and with a smug,

satisfied face, he spreads a pair of wings that come out of
his back, and flies up into the air to vanish into the
clouds.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - NIGHT

An owl hoots, rested on the branch of a tree.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, HARRYS ROOM - NIGHT

Harry is asleep in bed.

Then Craig comes crashing through the ceiling, and lands on

the floor. He quickly gets up, and shakes Harry.

CRAIG
Harry! HARRY! Wake up!

Harry is startled, and wakes up.

HARRY
Craig?!? What are you doing in my
room?!
 21.

CRAIG
Stop using so many interrobangs,
Harry! Your familys in trouble.
You need to save them from the
Wishmeister.

HARRY
Oh, no. I cant do it on my own.
Craig, you need to help me.

CRAIG
Ehhh, Im kinda busy.

HARRY
You asshole.

CRAIG
Hey, youre smart. Youll figure it
out.

Craig pats Harry on the shoulder, and then suddenly runs off,
and jumps out the window, smashing through the glass.

Now Harry, alone, takes a thinking pose, thinking to himself

he should do.

HARRY
Hmmm, how do I defeat the
Wishmeister? What would Jesus do?

EXT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

A sign on top reads: Fancy Restaurant.

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

At a table the Wishmeister, in human-form, is on a date with

Harry -- but Harry obviously is dressed up as a woman.

The Wishmeister throws his head back in laughter.

WISHMEISTER
Ahhh-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, Harriet! You
are an absolute riot!

He smacks the table.

WISHMEISTER (CONTD)
You are the funniest girl Ive ever
met.

Harry replies in his most feminine voice.

 22.

HARRY
Oooh, thank you.

The Wishmeister leans forward, and holds Harrys hand. He

gazes into his eyes.

Harry seems a little uncomfortable, but keeps forcing a

smile.

WISHMEISTER
I know we havent known each other
for that long, but, but... I think
Im falling in love with you.

HARRY
Really?

WISHMEISTER
Youre everything a man could ever
want, Harriet. Youre smart, youre
funny, youre beautiful, youre
kind, youre chaste, youre...
Youre the most attractive woman
Ive ever met.

HARRY
(bashful, gestures)
Oh, stop!

WISHMEISTER
I mean it, Harriet. You are one
special lady.

HARRY
How flattering.
WISHMEISTER
Harriet! I must kiss you!

The Wishmeister grabs Harry to kiss him, but Harry shields

his face.

HARRY
No, Im not gay!

WISHMEISTER
What?

HARRY
Ha-ha. Just joking. What I meant to
say is, I think were moving a
little too fast.
 23.

The Wishmeister lets go of Harry, and the two sit back down
in their seats.

WISHMEISTER
Of course. I shouldve known.
Youre not like other women. Youre
different. I need to be gentle with
you.

HARRY
Yes.

WISHMEISTER
(seductively)
So then, lets take it nice, and
slow.

The Wishmeister strokes Harrys long hair, and then takes his
hand, and kisses it.

The Wishmeister smiles, but for Harry the feeling isnt

mutual. Harrys face looks VERY unrelaxed.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY (LATE AFTERNOON)

The Wishmeister is standing front of the Wang household, on

the driveway, holding a boombox over his head.

The boombox is playing a real 1980s song. Kind of a romantic

tune but with an electric guitar.

The front window, connecting to Harrys bedroom, opens up.

Harry sticks his head out with his lady wig on.
HARRY
Ethan? What are you doing here? And
why are you holding the boombox
over your head?

WISHMEISTER
Im being romantic. I cant play
any musical instruments, so this is
the best I can do.

HARRY
Turn that music off. Youre going
to wake everyone.

The Wishmeister puts down the boombox, and turns it off.

WISHMEISTER
Is that better?
 24.

HARRY
I guess.

WISHMEISTER
Oh, Harriet, my love.

The Wishmeister clasps his hands together.

WISHMEISTER (CONTD)
Please come down, and see me.

HARRY
I cant.

WISHMEISTER
Why not?

HARRY
We broke up, remember?

WISHMEISTER
So? We can get back together. Its
not written in stone. Is it?

HARRY
Ive made up my mind.

WISHMEISTER
What can I do to win you back?

HARRY
Nothing. Theres nothing you can
do.

The Wishmeister starts crying.

HARRY (CONTD)
Ethan, are you okay?

WISHMEISTER
I love you. I love you more than
anything in the world, and you
reject me like Im nothing.

HARRY
But youre not my type.

WISHMEISTER
Harriet, you dont know how much
pain this is causing me. Im
hurting. I feel a burning in my
chest. My heart is on fire.
 25.

HARRY
Aw, dont be so emo. Youll find
someone else.

WISHMEISTER
How can I find new love, when I am
in so much pain?

HARRY
How much pain?

WISHMEISTER
Harriet. I wish I were dead.

HARRY
Say that again?

The Wishmeister collapses onto his knees, and screams.

WISHMEISTER
I WISH I WERE DEAD!

HARRY
Thats all I needed to hear.

Harry takes out a tape recorder, that he was using in secret,

and plays back the Wishmeister saying: I wish I were dead!

The Wishmeister looks to be in shock.

HARRY (CONTD)
You know what you have to do now.

WISHMEISTER
Im not ready to go, I --
The Wishmeister holds his chest, like hes in great pain, and
then his heart explodes. His chest bursts open, and his heart
in pieces (seemingly) flies everywhere.

He drops to the ground, and dies.

Harry, looking down, shakes his head as if disappointed.

Craig appears behind him, also taking a look.

CRAIG
Whoa. What happened here?

HARRY
I killed the Wishmeister.

CRAIG
How?
 26.

HARRY
With the only thing that can
destroy a strong man -- a broken
heart.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, DINING ROOM - DAY

Mindy, Chang, Harry, Emily, Craig, and RORY the Raccoon are
all gathered around the dining room table having their
dinner.

They are all back to normal, just trying to take it easy.

Chang having a sip of his water, puts down his glass, and
looks at Harry.

CHANG
Harry. I know I already said this,
but I really am proud of you. You
used your wits, and came through
for us. I think you just might be
smart enough to become a doctor.

HARRY
Aw, thanks, dad.

EMILY
(to Harry)
So, how did you like being a woman?

HARRY
It wasnt bad. I got a lot of free
stuff. Someone accused me of being
a slut, and I discovered the secret
of NIMH.
(whispers)
Its nutmeg.

Craig points to Rory.

CRAIG
Hey, whats the deal with that
raccoon?

MINDY
You know, its too bad that
Wishmeister character didnt
actually grant wishes. Can you
imagine if he did?

CHANG
Dont need to imagine, Mindy.
 27.

Chang takes out a monkeys paw.

CHANG (CONTD)
I have this.

EMILY
Whoa. What is -- EW! Is that a
severed monkeys paw?

CHANG
Yes, but it grants wishes,
according to that nice Middle
Eastern man who sold it to me.

MINDY
Chang, dont do it.

But Chang shuts his eyes, anyway, and holds out the monkey
paw.

CHANG
I wish I were big -- in my pants!

Now Chang opens his eyes, and sees four fingers of the monkey
paw curl down, leaving only the middle finger remaining.

CHANG (CONTD)
Hey, what the?

All of a sudden a LARGE MONKEY, whos missing a paw, appears

out of nowhere, and, shrieking, jumps onto the dining room
table right in front of Chang.

It slaps Chang on the face twice, palm-side, and backhand,

and takes back its paw, and scurries off.
Chang touches one of his reddened cheeks.

CHANG (CONTD)
Jesus Christ, that stings.
(diffident)
I know this sounds strange, but
this isnt the first time Ive been
slapped by a monkey.

HARRY
We believe you.

EXT. 99 OAKS MUSEUM - DAY

A cameraman is recording the WISHMEISTER in front of the 99

Oaks Museum.
 28.

The Wishmeister appears patched up now, and in fair health.

WISHMEISTER
Hello, everyone. Ethan Von
Dubenmire the 3rd here. Im at the
99 Oaks Museum to celebrate our
citys rich heritage, and to give
everyone an important message:
Visit, and support your local
museum. Museums are filled with
mystery, wonder, culture, and
knowledge. But without your
patronage they cannot survive. If
you do not help out your museum it
just might be sold off, and turned
into another generic, fancy-
schmancy, coffee shop.

The Wishmeister looks behind.

WISHMEISTER (CONTD)
Ooh, whats this?
(cups ear)
I think I hear the curator of the
museum calling my name.
(to camera)
Lets investigate.

The Wishmeister goes through a door to the museum, and,

almost instantly comes back out. In his hand he is holding a
fresh cup of coffee.

WISHMEISTER (CONTD)
Yup. The museum is now a generic,
fancy-schmancy, coffee shop.
The Wishmeister sips his coffee.

WISHMEISTER (CONTD)
Aaaaaaaah, fuck...

FADE OUT.