THE WANGS

S3E5

"MEMORIES"

Harry Jonathan Chong

7/11/2016

After Chang Wang attempts to commit suicide, his family enter his
mind to find the memories causing his depression.
INT. 90 KERRY CRES, DINING ROOM - DAY

CRAIG, HARRY, and EMILY are all sitting around the dining
room table, where there are empty plates set out in front of
them. It seems they are waiting for someone.

Then Mindy comes in with a big, old pot of food. She sets
down the pot, and uses a wooden spoon to scoop out something
that looks like neon mush. She gives some to Emily, Harry,
and then Craig.

CRAIG
Hey, I dont eat human food.

MINDY
This is MAGICAL, human food. Ive
been experimenting with recipes all
day long, and, boy, was it a doozy,
but I think I finally got it right.

Harry stares at his plate.

HARRY
Not to be rude, buuut -- this looks
like nuclear shit.

MINDY
Try it. Youll like it.

Emily tentatively pokes the food on her plate.

At this moment, Mindy looks about the table, and sees that
Changs seat is empty.

MINDY (CONTD)
Does anyone know where your father
is?

HARRY
Aah, he said he was going out for a
pack of cigarettes.

MINDY
Um, but your dad doesnt smoke
cigarettes.

Emily drops her fork, and her eyes go wide.

EMILY
OH, SHIT.
 2.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Mindy, Craig, Harry, and Emily are looking up at the roof,

where CHANG is standing, staring at the ground.

MINDY
Chang, come down from the roof.

CHANG
Ill come down, alright -- with a
splat!

MINDY
No, no! No splatting!

CHANG
You cant stop me!

CRAIG
Yes, I can.

CHANG
Okay, you can -- but for how long?!

CRAIG
(to self)
Hmm, hes got me there.

HARRY
Dad, why are you trying to end your
life?

CHANG
Because life is sad! Its like
Candy Land!
EMILY
Hows it like Candy Land?

CHANG
Candy Land seems all fun, and cool,
and then BAM! You get diabetes and
cavities from eating all those
sweets! I mean, what a lie! What a
huge, fucking lie!

MINDY
(to the others)
...Does anyone here know a good
psychiatrist?

Craig raises his hand.

 3.

EXT. PLAIN BUILDING - DAY

Its a plain building but stuff is going on inside.

INT. PSYCHIATRISTS ROOM - DAY

Chang is lying on a couch being examined by MRS PSYCHIATRIST.

MRS PSYCHIATRIST
Chang, you have to open up to me. I
cant solve your problems if you
dont tell me about your life.

CHANG
But youre a stranger. How can I
just open up the floodgates, and
tell you everything?

MRS PSYCHIATRITS
Well, at least answer me this,
Chang... Were you molested as a
child?

CHANG
No.

Mrs Psychiatrist snaps her finger in disappointment.

MRS PSYCHIATRITS
Aww, rats!

CHANG
Are you saying Aww, rats! to me
not getting molested as a child?
MRS PSYCHIATRIST
Im sorry. I didnt mean it that
way. But if you were molested as a
child that would be beneficial to
our situation.

CHANG
Look, Im depressed, alright? Just
gimme some pills, or something.

MRS PSYCHIATRIST
Chang, psychiatry is about more
than giving out pills. We must
delve into your mind to find a long-
term solution to your depression.

CHANG
So, you dont have any pills?
 4.

Chang points to a Tic-Tac box on Mrs Psychiatrists desks.

CHANG (CONTD)
What are those then?

MRS PSYCHIATRIST
Theyre Tic-Tacs. For freshening
ones breath.

CHANG
Can I have some?

MRS PSYCHIATRIST
Mmmm, Im gonna say: no. But you
can look at them all you like.

CHANG
Never mind.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Back to the Wang household.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Chang is laying in the middle of the floor, looking dull, and

lifeless, just staring up at the ceiling.

CHANG
Life is pain. Its full of nothing
but pain. Whats the point of
living? Everything I do is a
failure. Nothing ever works out for
me. God, what is the point of me
being here? Just kill me now.

We get another perspective of the living room. Harry, and

Emily are here, sitting on the sofa, eating popcorn.

HARRY
Dad, dont take this the wrong way,
but youre kind of a buzzkill.

EXT. EVIL LOOKING BUILDING - DAY

The building looks very evil!

 5.

INT. FREDOS OFFICE - DAY

Fredos Office, located in the Evil Looking building, is

large, and cold, almost having the appearance of a
laboratory.

Here two doors slide open, and the eccentric psychiatrist

named Fredo comes in, with Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and
Craig following behind.

Fredo leads them to the middle of his office where there are
five Aerotrims -- essentially human gyroscopes, large sphere-
like devices for suspending, and spinning humans in a virtual
reality landscape.

FREDO
This is where therapy will take
place.

CRAIG
Oooh, balls!

FREDO
They are not balls. They are
psychological tools for exploring
the human brain.
(points to Chang)
Specifically his.

CHANG
Alright, so we jump into these
things, and then what?

FREDO
We find out the reason for your
misery.

CHANG
Is it my kids?
(whispers)
Theyre pretty fucking annoying.

Harry, and Emily glare. Chang furtively glances back at them.

CUT TO:

Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig are each in their

Aerotrims, wearing what look like virtual reality goggles.

Nearby is Fredo, whos standing in front of a console, which

has switches, and buttons, and levers to control these
strange contraptions.
 6.

HARRY
Uh, Mr Fredo, is this gonna hurt?

FREDO
Yes, if you are a pussy.

EMILY
What if Im not a pussy, but I have
a pussy?

FREDO
No, no. Having a pussy is not the
same thing as being a pussy.

EMILY
Well, color my tickled. I learned a
lot about pussies today.

MINDY
Stop saying pussy! You filthy
degenerates!

FREDO
I was talking about pussy cats, not
a womans, ah, you know, baby cave.

CRAIG
Ew. Gross.

FREDO
Anyway, we will begin the process
of probing Changs anus...
(shakes head)
...I mean, BRAIN. So, if you
please, shut your fucking gobs, and
here we go -- !

Fredo puts on a pair of shades.

He pushes a lever on the console in front of him, and we hear

a loud humming noise. We see that the Aerotrims in the center
of the room are shaking.

Fredo then pushes a large button. Electricity begins

spurting, and sparking from all the Aeortrims.

Finally, he flips a switch, causing Chang, Mindy, Emily,

Harry, and Craig to start spinning.

At first slow, but then getting faster, and faster. Their

mouths are agape, and screaming, and the speed is steadily
increased until they are nothing but blurs.

The Wangs disappear into a new world.

 7.

EXT. LIBRARY OF MEMORIES - DAY

Under a grey sky, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig appear out
of thin air, and fall onto their bottoms in front of the
Library of Memories.

They quickly get to their feet, and look at the building

before them, which is large, and imposing, with words atop
that say in Latin: Bibliotheca Memoriae.

HARRY
(looking)
Bibliotheca memoriae? What does
that mean?

CRAIG
It means Dont open. Dead inside.

MINDY
No, not really.

EMILY
It says Library of Memories.

HARRY
Dads memories?

MINDY
Thats right, bitch. Your dads
memories.

HARRY
So, we have to go in there, and
find the memory that made dad
depressed?
Mindy nods.

HARRY (CONTD)
What if it turns out Im the cause
of his depression? Or Emily? Its
probably Emily.

EMILY
Yah, you wish.

MINDY
Now, now, children. We are here to
help your father. I do not want to
hear any arguments.

Mindy leads Emily, Harry, and Craig to the Library of

Memories.
 8.

They get onto its steps, and stop, finding that the building
is actually alive.

The library opens its large, glaring eyes.

LIBRARY
Halt! Who dares to come inside of
me?!

CRAIG
Uh, nobody dares to come inside of
you. We just wanna enter the
library.

LIBRARY
If it is knowledge you seek, then
answers three you must speak.

MINDY
Are you giving us a quiz?

LIBRARY
Ancient riddles, that which
answered correctly will allow you
to pass through.

HARRY
Awwww, man.

EMILY
Fuck that, yo!

Emily charges towards the double door, and drop kicks it

open.
At this very moment the Librarys eyes roll up in agony.

LIBRARY
Oooh, my balls!

Emily kips up to her feet, and has a confused look on her

face.

LIBRARY (CONTD)
The doors essentially represent a
set of human balls! Aah! Ooooh! Im
in so much agony!

The Library makes a sound like letting out a deep breath, and
it closes its eyes, and goes unconscious.

Emily seems dumbfounded, but then gestures to everyone else.

 9.

EMILY
Come on!

INT. LIBRARY OF MEMORIES - DAY

As the doors behind close, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig

step into the Library of Memories.

They stare in awe. This LIBRARY IS ENORMOUS.

It is exceedingly opulent, and there are millions upon

millions of books, and equally grand shelves to hold them
all.

At this sight Craig whistles.

CRAIG
Fancy...!

HARRY
There are so many books here, and
we have enough time to read them
all -- but I broke my glasses!

Harry drops to his knees, and begins sobbing.

HARRY (CONTD)
Its not fair! Its not fair, I
tells you!

EMILY
Harry, you dont have glasses. You
can see perfectly fine without
them.
Harry stops crying, and stands up. He wipes his tears.

HARRY
Oh, I knew that.

Mindy sighs.

MINDY
Okay, shall we get going then?

CRAIG
Yes. Lead us anywhere you please,
except to our doom.

MINDY
That I cannot guarantee.
 10.

Mindy starts walking ahead, and she leads the way, with
Harry, Emily, and Craig following behind.

The group go into the aisle marked EARLY MEMORIES.

Mindy stops by a shelf, and takes out a generic-looking book

titled Crotch Fruit by Chang Wang.

MINDY (CONTD)
Hmmm...
(reading)
Crotch fruit.

HARRY
Ooh, sounds delicious.

EMILY
I guess the books represent dads
memories...?

CRAIG
Burn it!

MINDY
Lets see what it is first.

Everyone gathers around. Mindy opens the book entitled

Crotch Fruit and a beam of light shines out, and sucks them
inside.

The book drops to the floor, and closes shut.

INT. TAIWANESE HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

We are in the past, a memory in a time when Chang was not yet
born.

Here we find Changs parents: LING Wang, and LEE Wang.

Ling is wearing a gown (so we cant see her lady-bits), and

she is holding Lees hand, trying to give birth, surrounded
by medical staff.

DR HOE is telling her to push.

DR HOE
Come on now! Push!

Ling lets out a long, loud grunt.

Off in a corner Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig are observing

like ghosts.
 11.

HARRY
Whoa, is that grandma, and grandpa?

MINDY
Yes. Ling Wang and Lee Wang.

EMILY
Ew, were watching dad being born.

CRAIG
This only confirms my belief that
human-beings are disgusting, filthy
animals, with no sense of decency
whatsoever.

MINDY
Shhh, be quiet.

Ling continues grunting, struggling to push Chang out of her

punani.

Lee and Dr Hoe urge her to carry on.

LEE
Lets go, Ling! Just a little more!

DR HOE
Push! Push! Really push!

Ling strains. She strains so hard that Chang, as a baby,

literally flies out of her body.

Baby Chang crashes into a wall, and drops to the floor.

Everyone around winces.
But then quickly the medical staff surround baby Chang, and
Dr Hoe picks him up off the floor like nothing happened. He
holds him up.

DR HOE (CONTD)
Its a boy!

Ling lets out a deep breath.

INT. LIBRARY OF MEMORIES - DAY

Were back in the aisle marked EARLY MEMORIES.

The Crotch Fruit book on the ground opens up, and,

basically, regurgitates Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig.

They seem a little confused but get to their feet.

 12.

MINDY
Well, that was something else. But
I dont think that memory is the
source of your fathers depression.
Well have to look elsewhere.

Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig enter a new aisle this one
marked CHILDHOOD.

In the Childhood aisle Mindy picks up a a book entitled

Assorted Memories.

She opens up, and she, and everyone else is sucked in.

INT. CHANGS CHILDHOOD HOME, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig appear in the living room of

Changs childhood home which is in Taiwan.

They observe a 6 YEAR OLD CHANG reading a book in silence.

His parents Lee, and Ling comes into the living room, and
stand in front of him.

6 Year Old Chang puts down his book, and looks up.

LEE
Chang?

6 YEAR OLD CHANG

Yes, papa?

LEE
We need to have a discussion.
6 YEAR OLD CHANG
About?

Lee looks down at 6 Year Old Chang. He seems rather annoyed.

He lets out a deep, exasperated breath.

LEE
Youre spending way too much time
playing around, and wasting your
time. Listen. You have to buckle
down. I want you to study hard in
school, and become a doctor.

6 YEAR OLD CHANG

Im 6 years old.
 13.

LEE
If you dont study hard you will
work at McDonalds, and everyone
will think youre a loser, and your
first girlfriend will be your right
hand.

6 YEAR OLD CHANG

But...

LEE
Dont argue with me. If you dont
pull up your grades, I will put you
in a crate, and ship you out to the
Middle East, where people eat sand
for breakfast.

6 YEAR OLD CHANG

Oh, okay -- can I go back to my
book now?

LING
Chang. Remember, you were an
accident. Appreciate the fact that
youre alive, and make something of
yourself.

6 YEAR OLD CHANG

Awww, gee. Why are you guys telling
me this now?

LING
Ai-yah! You never understand
anything!
LEE
Our son is so fat, and lazy, and
stupid! Im embarrassed!

Lee pulls at his hair.

LEE (CONTD)
What did I do to deserve this
burden?!

6 Year Old Chang looks very confused.

HARRY
Whoa. Harsh -- and weird. This has
to be dads worst memory ever!
 14.

INT. LIBRARY OF MEMORIES - DAY

We see Mindys hand pulling another book from a shelf.

EXT. TAIWANESE PARK - DAY/NIGHT

Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig are hiding behind a rock,

observing.

They see 8 YEAR OLD CHANG dawdling away from a park with his
parents Lee and Ling.

8 YEAR OLD CHANG

(whining)
Awww, dad, cant we stay a little
longer? Its not even that late.

Lee, and Ling stop, and turn around to Chang.

LEE
You wanna stay longer?

8 Year Old Chang nods.

LEE (CONTD)
Then you can stay forever!

Lee, and Ling abandon 8 Year Old Chang, sprinting off screen.
Then we hear the sound of a car starting, and quickly driving
off.

Left behind, Chang appears dumbfounded. But he shrugs his

shoulders, and goes to the jungle gym, and sits in a swing
set.
He pushes off with his feet, and swings a bit. Its not very
fun. He stops, and stays quiet, dangling his legs, just
staring out at nothing.

8 YEAR OLD CHANG

I wonder when mom and dad will come
back for me...?

DAY turns into NIGHT.

8 Year Old Chang has not moved whatsoever, and then a

STRANGER approaches him.

STRANGER
Why, hello there, young one!

8 YEAR OLD CHANG

Are you here to help me get home?
 15.

STRANGER
Ehhh, sure. Your parents sent me.

8 YEAR OLD CHANG

Oh, boy! Lets go!

8 Year Old Chang and the Stranger get into a white van. They
leave the park.

STRANGER (O.S.)
Hey, you want some candy?

8 YEAR OLD CHANG (O.S.)

Is it laced with drugs?

STRANGER (O.S.)
Uhhhh... No. Why would I do that?

8 YEAR OLD CHANG (O.S.)

Give it here!
(eating noises)
Om-nom-nom-nom!

EXT. CHANGS CHILDHOOD HOME - NIGHT

Mindy, Emily, Harry, Chang watch what happens next.

The STRANGERs white van stops off in front of Changs

Childhood Home.

8 Year Old Chang gets out, and waves bye.

8 YEAR OLD CHANG

Thanks for the ride, mister!
STRANGER
Eh, no problem! Just keep your nose
clean!

8 YEAR OLD CHANG

Will do!

8 Year Old Chang happily skips off towards his house.

INT. LIBRARY OF MEMORIES - DAY

Mindy, still with Harry, Craig, and Emily, selects yet

another book off a shelf.
 16.

EXT. TAIWANESE SCHOOL - DAY

While everyone else plays, 11 YEAR OLD CHANG is hanging out

alone, leaning against a wall, eating a chocolate bar. At
this age he is very rotund.

11 YEAR OLD CHANG

I wonder what would happen if you
gave a man the head of a
rhinoceros...? Would his human body
be strong enough to allow him to
effectively use his horn, and
charge at people in precarious self-
defense situations? Hmmm, I guess
well never know.

As 11 Year Old Chang continues eating his chocolate bar, a

basketball comes flying out of the air, and hits him bang in
his head. He loses his Butterfinger, and falls to the ground.

At that moment a group of four kids, the same age, surround

him.

Dizzy, Chang gets to his feet. He seems confused, looking at

the kids blocking him in.

11 YEAR OLD CHANG (CONTD)

Uhhh, hey, guys. Whats going on?

The head of the group of kids, named BONAR, opens up his gob.

BONAR
Whats going on is you!

11 YEAR OLD CHANG

What? I dont follow.

BONAR
Chang, youre fat, and smelly, and
nobody loves you!

11 YEAR OLD CHANG

J-Jesus loves me.

BONAR
No, he doesnt.

11 Year Old Chang hangs his head low.

Then Bonar shoves him. Bonar and his friends shove him back,
and forth, like hes a toy to be played with.

11 Year Old Chang collapses onto his knees, and puts his face
in his hands, and starts sobbing.
 17.

BONAR (CONTD)
Hey, dont you know, Chang Wang?
Boys dont cry -- I guess youre
really a girl then!

Bonar and his friends all start laughing.

Meanwhile, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig are watching. Emily

is boiling angry; her hands are balled into fists.

EMILY
Those bastards! How dare they pick
on a fatter, younger version of my
dad!

MINDY
Relax. This is just a memory. We
cant do anything.

EMILY
Bull, mom! BULL!

Emily walks over to Bonar, and his buddies. She clears her
throat, and taps Bonar on the shoulder.

Bonar, and the rest look to see who it is.

EMILY (CONTD)
Excuse me, do you know what time it
is?

BONAR
Bitch, do I look like a watch?

EMILY
No, the answer is: Its time to
kick your fucking ass!

BONAR
You wot, m8?!

Like a flash of lightning, Emily wheel kicks Bonar in the

face.

Bonar is knocked out, and falls to the ground.

Bonars friends glance at their fallen comrade, and then

tentatively move their eyes to Emily.

Emily glares, and screams.

EMILY
What the fuck are you looking at?!
 18.

All of Bonars friends scatter, and run off.

Emily grins. She points to her family, and gives them a wink.

Mindy, Harry, and Craig are unsure how to respond. Their eyes
look side to side to each other, and then finally they do
some half-hearted clapping.

CHANGS MONTAGE

- 12 Year Old Chang has his pants pulled down in class, and
everyone laughs at him.

- 13 Year Old Chang is pushed down some steps in school. The

kids at the top of the stairs, who pushed him, roar with
laughter.

- 14 Year Old Chang presents his report card to his parents

Lee and Ling. His dad Lee sees a 'B' at the bottom, and
crumples up the report card. He throws it to the floor, and
stands up. He takes out his belt, and wielding it like a
whip, chases Chang around the room.

- 15 Year Old Chang is carried into a bathroom stall by some

bullies, and has his head is dipped into a toilet.

- 17 Year Old Chang, in class, passes along a note to a girl

he likes. The note asks the girl if she likes him, having two
boxes to check off. She returns the note. Chang opens it up,
and it says: Fuck you! Chang frowns.

- 17.5 Year Old Chang presents flowers to a girl. She throws

them on the ground, and walks away. Chang holds his chest
like his heart is broken.
- 18 Year Old Chang gives flowers to another girl. She sets
them on fire with a lighter. Chang panics, and drops them to
the ground. He stomps out the flames with his foot while the
girl sniggers.

- Graduation. 18 Year Old Chang is called up. He gets out his

seat, and goes onto a stage. As he is receiving his diploma
from the school principal a bucket above, by the pull of a
rope, tips over, and releases flood of pigs blood. Chang is
drenched in plasma. He is mortified yet everyone, it seems,
is laughing. Chang looks very angry. He throws up his arms,
and screams.

INT. LIBRARY OF MEMORIES - DAY

Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig are together, sitting on a

BENCH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIBRARY. They look very tired.
 19.

HARRY
Dads life is filled with bad
memories -- and we havent even
scratched the surface. I dont
think theres just one memory
thats made him depressed.

CRAIG
I say we give him a lobotomy!

MINDY
(to Harry)
Are you sure? Because hes only
been acting weird recently. Before
all this he seemed totally fine.

EMILY
I dont wanna be a know-it-all
bitch here, mom, but lots of
depressed people look, and act
normal all the time. A sudden
outburst doesnt mean something
just happened. As human beings we
constantly hide our feelings. We
wear masks, so we can fit in with
everyone else.

HARRY
Whoa. Thats kinda deep.

EMILY
It came from a fortune cookie.

Craig snaps his fingers, and stands up.

CRAIG
Ah-ha! I know what we have to do!

Craig paces back, and forth with his finger in the air as a
detective would solving a crime.

CRAIG (CONTD)
Weve been going about this whole
search the wrong way. We shouldnt
be asking whats making Chang sad.
We should be asking what makes him
happy.

HARRY
Why?

Craig taps on Harrys head like knocking on a door.

 20.

CRAIG
Hellooo? Is anything in there?

Harry pushes away Craigs hand.

CRAIG (CONTD)
Sadness isnt just bad things
happening. Its also good things
not being there. If we know what
makes Chang happy, we also know
what hes lost. Ergo, fill in that
void, and he wont be depressed
anymore.

EMILY
So now we have to figure out what
makes dad happy.

Craig sits back down, with Emily, Harry, and Mindy. They all
rest their chins on their hands going into Thinker mode.

After a few moments, Harry sits up.

HARRY
I know what makes dad happy -- ice
cream! Remember that time he had
that ice cream business, but he
mixed the ingredients together
incorrectly?

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

An ice cream truck is sitting on the driveway of the Wang

household.
Chang comes running out of it. As he is running the ice cream
truck explodes into a thousand pieces, and he is thrown to
the ground in spectacular fashion.

INT. LIBRARY OF MEMORIES - DAY (RETURN TO SCENE)

We return to Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig. Now Emily has an

idea.

EMILY
No, I dont think thats it. Dad
really likes ice cream, but its
not the source of his happiness.
The source of his happiness is,
uhhhh...dogs! He loves dogs.
 21.

HARRY
I didnt know that.

EMILY
Yah, he had that dog he stole from
that government laboratory. He was
really sad when they had to put
Rupert to sleep.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

In the street a literal army of men stand head to head with

RUPERT the giant, red dog.

But Rupert is hostile, angry, and growling.

CAPTAIN BODEGA yells a command.

CAPTAIN BODEGA
FIRE AT WILL!

The army of men blast their rifles, and shoot at Rupert.

Rupert, riddled with bullet holes, drops down, with a
whimper, and dies.

Now, we see Chang on the sidewalk, screaming.

CHANG
Nooooooooooooo!

He runs over to Rupert, and holds him, and sobs.

INT. LIBRARY OF MEMORIES - DAY (RETURN TO SCENE)

Back to Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig still sitting on their
BENCH, thinking about Chang.

CRAIG
Whoa. Thats really fucked up.

EMILY
That it is, Craig. That it is.

MINDY
Listen, kids, your dad likes
animals. Thats why hes a
vegetarian, but I dont think a
lack of dogs in his life is causing
him any grief.

Craig snaps his fingers.

 22.

CRAIG
I got it!

Everyone looks at Craig.

CRAIG (CONTD)
Video games! Chang loves video
games. But hes been so stressed
out, and busy lately that he hasnt
been able to play them. Remember
that time when --

CUT TO:

EXT. POT SHOP - DAY

Here there be a pot shop. We know that based on its sign.

INT. POT SHOP - DAY

The OWNER of this pot shop is behind a counter, reading a

newspaper, when CHANG, wearing an old-timey, green costume,
comes bursting inside.

CHANG
I need loot!

The Owner looks up.

OWNER
What?

Chang withdraws a sword, and starts smashing up all the pots,

and jars around, which yield nothing but air.

OWNER (CONTD)
Hey, stop that!

CHANG
Auuuuugh!

Chang twirls around with his sword extended, and smashes more
pots.

EXT. LIBRARY OF MEMORIES - DAY (RETURN TO SCENE)

We return to Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig, where they

continue pondering on their BENCH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
LIBRARY.
 23.

HARRY
That actually happened?

Craig nods.

HARRY (CONTD)
Wow. Dads kind of a jerk.

EMILY
Kind of?

Mindy sighs. She stands up.

MINDY
We should get going. I dont think
this is working out.
(gestures)
Come, on children. Carpe diem.

Emily, Harry, and Craig get up. They follow Mindy, who leads
the way.

The four head into a RANDOM AISLE, and start walking down it.

As they reach near the end, where it seems like theyre going
to reach the front doors, the library all of a sudden
expands, and grows.

The aisle of books theyre in is many times longer, and the

exit beyond appears to be much more distant.

Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig balk at this sight.

But then they carry on -- and the library matches their

walking with growing more, and more. The four pick up the
pace, continually, until they are running at top speed.

However, the results are no different. They find themselves

seemingly in an ever increasing amount of books, and shelves.

They have to stop, and rest, and get some air in their lungs.

Harry is panting the most, resting with his hands against his
knees.

HARRY
(panting)
What the fuck is going on here?

MINDY
Hey, theres no need to swear.
 24.

EMILY
Fuck this! Were trapped! That
psychiatrist asshole tricked us!
Were stuck in the mother fucking
Matrix!

CRAIG
I know about the Matrix, and, no,
we are not in the Matrix. Or are
we?

At this moment a screeching animal-like noise is heard.

Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig look up, and see a monkey with
wings, wearing a tarboosh.

It lands on the very top of a shelf. It looks down, showing

its teeth as if angry. Perched above the creature howls.

Then the flying monkey leaps to another shelf, and using its
tail, seemingly at random, throws down a book to the floor.
It flaps its wings, and flies towards a window, and crashes
through the glass to disappear.

Mindy, Emily, and Harry, and Craigs eyes settle back down,
and look at the book on the floor.

EMILY
Do you think that flying monkey did
that for any particular reason? Or
was he just on drugs?

CRAIG
Maybe he was on drugs. Maybe he
likes throwing shit on the floor.
HARRY
Should we look at the book?

MINDY
Its worth a shot.

Mindy picks up the book, and looks at the cover.

Its titled Regrets by Mindy Wang.

MINDY (CONTD)
Wait. Is this about me?

CRAIG
Open it.

Mindy opens the book. It sucks her inside, and drops to the
floor, and closes shut per usual.
 25.

However, in this scenario Craig, Emily, and Harry are left

behind.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

This memory begins outside the Wang household.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, KITCHEN - DAY

Inside Mindy is watching herself, MINDY #2, in the middle of

the kitchen, over a cauldron, stirring something lurid with a
paddle.

MINDY #2
Double, double, toil, and trouble,
fire burn, and cauldron bubble!

Mindy #2 throws in what looks like sprinkles into her

cauldron, and it goes POOF! and then quickly settles down.

She takes out a spoon, and tastes her concoction.

MINDY
Oh no, I remember this...

Mindy #2 licks her lips.

MINDY #2
Needs more salt.

Mindy #2 turns around to the counter to grab a bottle of

salt, but as she reaches for it she is seized by an invisible
force, and she twitches, and shakes wildly, and starts
spinning around at random.

Then she faints, and drops to the floor. She awakes a second
later, and stands up.

Mindy #2 looks fine, except that there is an evil glint in

her eye, and a mischievous look. She has her hands joined
together, and is wringing them -- a bit too much.

At this moment, Chang comes into the kitchen.

CHANG
Hello, sweetie pie! What are you
doing? Making some, uh, magic
stuff?

Mindy #2 waddles over to Chang, and gets in his face. She

points her finger.
 26.

MINDY #2
Chang. Youve had this a long time
coming. Its time I told you the
truth about us. About you.

CHANG
Um...

MINDY #2
I dont love you.

CHANG
W-what?

MINDY #2
I never loved you. We only got
married because I was pressured
into it. Youre not really the
one, and Im not happy. I want a
divorce. Please. Set me free.

Chang looks sad.

CHANG
(choking up)
Well, Mindy. You may not love me,
but I still love you, and if Im in
the way of your happiness, I wont
hesitate to do what it takes to
make you happy.

Changs eyes become watery. He lingers, staring at Mindy #2,

but she shows herself unwavering.

So, Chang turns around, with a head hung low, and leaves.
Immediately after, Mindy #2 grins and cackles.

Mindy who is witness to this all is glaring at -- well,

herself.

MINDY
Oh my god, what a bitch... Wait,
that bitch is me!

Now, this memory being over, Mindy without warning finds

herself literally disappearing, and then she is gone.

INT. LIBRARY OF MEMORIES - NIGHT

Mindy reappears in the Library of Memories, but it is not a

library as much as it is a big, EMPTY SPACE.
 27.

There are no books, no shelves, and, most importantly, no

Emily, Harry, or Craig.

Mindy looks around confused.

MINDY
Whered everyone go?

As those words are spoken the whole top of the library is

torn off by a giant version of Chang Wang, aptly called GIANT
CHANG. His voice is deep, and booming, almost god-like.

CHANG
Mindy!

Mindy has her head tilted back to see up.

CHANG (CONTD)
MINDY!

MINDY
Chang?

CHANG
You are a bad wife! And a bad
mother! Why are you so bad?

MINDY
Im sorry. I, I made a mistake.
Please, dont --

Giant Chang reaches his arm down, and grabs Mindy.

MINDY (CONTD)
Hey, whatre you --
He tosses her up into the air. She screams, and then he
swallows her whole like a duck eating a piece of bread.

GULP!

INT. FREDOS OFFICE - DAY

We make a return to Fredos Office, where Fredo is in front

of a console, controlling the Aerotrims that contain Chang,
Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig.

Fredo presses a button, and stops the Aerotrims from

spinning, and they release each member of the Wang family.

But theyre dizzy, and sick. Chang, Mindy, Emily, and Harry
stumble out, fall to their hands, and knees, and promptly
throw up.
 28.

On the other hand, Craig is totally okay, and is right on his

feet.

FREDO
Oh, God. Disgusting.

Chang, Mindy, Emily, and Harry slowly stand up.

FREDO (CONTD)
So, how is everyone?

The Wangs stare at Fredo.

EMILY
Duuude, what the fuck?

MINDY
I found out why Chang is depressed.

FREDO
Did you now?

Mindy turns to Chang, and holds his hands.

MINDY
Chang... Its not your fault. Its
my fault. I screwed up. I made a
bad brew, and I drank it, and it
changed my personality. But I
didnt mean those awful things I
said. I love you, Chang Wang. I
love you like a fat kid loves cake.

HARRY
Who? Me?
Chang is in stunned silence. He hugs Mindy, and the two
embrace as only people in love can do.

And then Fredo lifts his leg, and lets out a HUGE fart.
Everyone looks his way.

FREDO
I dont believe in holding in
farts. Its not good for your
health.

So, one by one, Emily, Harry, Craig, Chang, and Mindy release
their own ass-gas. Oh, boy. It stinks.

FREDO (CONTD)
(nods)
I believe our therapy session here
is done.
 29.

EXT. POND - NIGHT

Its a starry, starry night on the water.

While romantic music plays, Mindy, and Chang are slowly

swirling around in a rowboat, staring into each others eyes.

MINDY
This is really romantic.

CHANG
It is -- but that fucking crab
wont leave us alone!

A JAMAICAN CRAB climbs into Mindy, and Changs rowboat. It

stares at them.

JAMAICAN CRAB
Kiss da girl!

CHANG
The fuck. Leave us alone. We arent
going to kiss, so you can touch
yourself. I dont even know how
that would work.

JAMAICAN CRAB
Aw, mon! Me jus like tah see some
romance every now, and again!
Gwan! Kiss da girl!

MINDY
I dont get it. Why do you have a
Jamaican accent? Were nowhere near
Jamaica.
JAMAICAN CRAB
Me mother was born in Kingston.

CHANG
Thats it. You have to leave.

JAMAICAN CRAB
Naw, mon!

Chang loses it. He stands up, and soccer kicks the Jamaican
Crab. The Jamaican Crab goes flying into the water.

Chang sits back down, and lets out a breath.

CHANG
(to Mindy)
Finally, that piece of shit is
gone... Now, where were we?
 30.

Mindy, and Chang move their faces close to each other, as if

to smooch, but then their attention is taken away when a
GIANT CRAB MONSTER rises out of the water.

They look at this Giant Crab Monster hissing, and pinching

its claws.

Right away, Mindy and Chang reach for the floor of their
boat. They turn around, and stand to face this devilish
creature with MACHINE GUNS.

They grimace, and begin shooting these machine guns.

FREEZE FRAME.

Craigs voice is heard.

CRAIG (V.O.)
And they lived happily ever
after...

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

We find Craig reading a story book, about Chang and Mindy, to

a classroom full of kids. He closes the book, finishing it.

CRAIG
...The end.

An ANGRY KID has an opinion about this.

ANGRY KID
Thats a stupid, fucking story.
CRAIG
But it really happened.

ANGRY KID
BOO!

All the kids start booing, and throwing things at Craig.

Craig shields himself with his arms.

CRAIG
(crying )
Eaghhh! I just wanted you all to
like me!

FADE OUT.