THE WANGS

Willy Wanker (S2E8)

Written by

Harry Jonathan Chong

2/25/2016

The Wangs go to England, and visit a sweets factory owned by the

eccentric confectioner named Willy Wanker.
EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig are staring wistfully

at their home.

The front door is wide open, while repo guys take away
furniture, and other items into a truck.

CHANG
I'm sorry, you guys. I didn't mean
for this to happen. I really
thought I was gonna win that poker
game. I mean, all my cards added up
to 21.

MINDY
(angry)
Unbelievable!
(calm))
You were so close. What was the
other guy's hand? Did he have 21
plus a joker?

CHANG
Mindy, that's now how poker works.
They don't include the joker.

MINDY
Oh. I feel so stupid.

HARRY
Wait, so where are we gonna live?

EMILY
Are we gonna be homeless bums?
CHANG
No, thankfully, the person taking
ownership of our house felt pity on
me, and is letting us stay in his
old home in England.

CRAIG
England? I hate England.

CHANG
Craig, what don't you hate? Last
week you said all Canadian's are
basically retarded hamsters.

CRAIG
Hmm, I don't remember that. But
it does sound like something I'd
say.
 2.

EXT. SHACK, SHIRE STREET - DAY

Merry, ol' England... We see a row of beautiful homes, and

then at the end something that resembles a shack.

Harry, carrying a newspaper bag, comes down the street, and

enters this shack.

INT. SHACK - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Harry enters the shack.

The shack like one would expect is a stark place, where many
different things are to be done in one shared area.

In here is Mindy, stirring something in a cauldron, and

Chang, Emily, and Craig, who are all laying together in one,
big bed.

Harry is greeted by Mindy, who turns her head.

MINDY
Harry, you're back. How was your
newspaper route?

HARRY
A dog chased after me, and a truck
ran over a puddle, and soaked me
on the way back.

MINDY
How come you look dry then.

HARRY
Oh, I met a guy with a
flamethrower.

MINDY
Well, as long as you're okay.

Mindy goes back to stirring her cauldron. Harry goes over to

Chang, Emily, and Craig.

HARRY
Why are you guys all still in bed?

CRAIG
We got into a pub fight, and now
were in great pain.
(sighs)
Cest la vie.
 3.

EMILY
Do you know what a "glassing" is?
The English took the word glass,
and made it into a verb. Like when
you say "Google it." Man, what the
fuck is wrong with these people?!

HARRY
Anyway, today was my payday, and
I have something for the family.

Harry goes into his newspaper bag, and takes out a small bag
of rice. Everyone looks, and they go, "Oooh."

HARRY (CONTD)
It's not much, but now we can make
congee.

Harry goes over to Mindy, and hands her the rice.

HARRY (CONTD)
Here, mom.

He gives her some coins too.

HARRY (CONTD)
And this is what's left over. We
can use it for a rainy day.

CHANG
Do you have anything for me?

HARRY
No, I told you! I'm not giving you
money for tobacco!
CHANG
Why not?

HARRY
Why the fuck would I give you my
hard earned money, just so you can
get lung cancer, while the rest of
us starve?

Chang is silent for a moment, and then replies.

CHANG
Ah, fair play. Fair play to you,
son.

CRAIG
Hey, the news should be on now.
Let's watch some TV.
 4.

Craig takes out a remote control, and presses a button. He

turns on a small TV off to the side of the shack.

Everyone turns their attention to it, and we watch the news.

INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY (ON TV)

The news anchor Jonathan GOOBER look into the camera. While
he speaks a box in the right hand corner shows images of what
he is talking about.

GOOBER
Hello, I'm Jonathan Goober. Today
we have some tremendous news. The
eccentric candy maker, Willy
Wanker, has announced that he will
be giving tours of his mysterious
factory --

CRAIG (O.S.)
Oh, snap!

GOOBER
But with a catch.

CRAIG (O.S.)
Oh, double snap!

EMILY (O.S.)
Will you stop saying that?!

GOOBER
You must obtain a golden ticket to
gain entry, and these can only be
found by purchasing a Wanker
chocolate bar. Since there are only
five golden tickets available world
wide, people have been going crazy
for Wanker chocolate.

We see several clips of stock footage of people going crazy

in malls. It isn't animated. It's real life. Shoppers going
fucking nuts!

GOOBER (O.S.) (CONTD)

Wow, look at them go!
 5.

EXT. SWEETS SHOP, QUALITY STREET - DAY

Harry has his hands pressed against the display window. He is

staring hungrily at all the sweets.

INT. SWEETS SHOP - DAY

POMPO the sweets shop clerk is busy arranging the shelves.

Harry comes in, and goes over the counter, and rings the
bell.

Pompo turns around, and steps down his ladder to address his
customer.

POMPO
Why, hello! How may I help you?

HARRY
Do you have any Wanker chocolate
bars left?

POMPO
(shakes head)
I'm afraid not. Scalpers, you
know.

HARRY
Damn those asshole scalpers.

POMPO
I know. Theyre absolute scum.

HARRY
Then why did you sell them all your
Wanker chocolate bars?

POMPO
To be honest, I dont really care.

Harry sighs.

POMPO (CONTD)
Looking for a golden ticket, eh?

Harry sheepishly nods.

POMPO (CONTD)
Well then, you're fuck out of luck.
But why don't you try something
else? There's more than one way to
get diabetes.
 6.

HARRY
No, thanks.

POMPO
Why not? Are you poor? You look
poor. Okay, tell you what. You can
have some sweets for free.

HARRY
Really?

POMPO
Keep this a secret, but...
(low voice)
I'm going to burn down this shop
for insurance money.

HARRY
Why?

POMPO
I have an addiction to drugs.

HARRY
Cool!

Harry starts putting some sweets into his pocket.

Pomp then takes out a canister of gasoline, and pours it

around.

POMPO
I'll be going out the back door,
by the way, but again please don't
tell anyone. I'm also leaving
behind a corpse to fake my death.
Dont get too creeped out, eh?

Harrys still stuffing his pockets with sweets.

HARRY
Sure. Whatever floats your boat.

EXT. SWEETS SHOP, QUALITY STREET - DAY

Whistling, Harry exits the sweets shop as fire and smoke

billow from behind. He gets on the sidewalk, and casually
walks off.
 7.

EXT. WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY

Harry in his walk, stops in front of Willy Wanker's factory.

He looks through the locked gates, and stares at the
unassuming yet somehow quirky facility for making sweet
treats.

HARRY
Wow. It must be amazing inside
there. If only I had a golden
ticket I could see it, and get
a life time supply of chocolate.

All of a sudden we hear a voice. It is the voice of the RICE

MAN.

RICE MAN (O.S.)

Hey, fat boy. Did you hear? The
owner of the sweets shop just
died!

Harry turns his head, and sees the Rice Man.

The Rice Man has a stall on wheels that sells your name on a
piece of rice. We notice he is holding an iPad.

HARRY
Why are you talking to me?

RICE MAN
Don't be an antisocial twat. I'm
just making conversation. Why are
you looking at the factory? You
want a golden ticket, hey?
HARRY
Who doesn't want a golden ticket?

RICE MAN
Margaret Thatcher?

HARRY
Um, alright, maybe that's true. I
don't really know what Margaret
Thatchers up to.

Rice Man shows Harry his iPad.

RICE MAN
Hey, hey, lookit what I got for my
birthday! A portable computer
device that lets you surf the
internet.
 8.

HARRY
(confused)
Oh, okay then...

RICE MAN
Yah, the news says the 5th, and
therefore last, golden ticket was
finally found.

HARRY
W-what? No way, man! No way, man!
Fake news!

RICE MAN
Its not fake news.

Rice Man presses the play button on his iPad's screen,

playing a news clip.

EXT. WESTMINSTER - DAY

In iconic Westminster a crowd of people is gathered.

It seems like a celebration is taking place. There's lights,

and cameras, and five children are gathered together, each
with their own parent, or guardian.

Of the children we have:

- TIMMY, the fat, chocolate loving, Australian boy

- IVANNA, an Irish lass, who has an addiction to chewing

tobacco
- VERONICA, a girl from England, with volume control issues

- MYKULL, the obese, and mentally slow, Canadian kid

and lastly

- CHAO LEE

Their parents accompanying them are appropriately named:

TIMMY'S MOM, IVANNA'S DAD, VERONICA'S MOM, and MYKULL'S DAD.

Chao Lee, different to the others, has his nanny with him,
who is called CHAO'S NANNY.
 9.

All of these people are to be interviewed by Jonathan GOOBER.

But before that Goober tells us what's happening, and he
looks into the main camera.

GOOBER
I'm Jonathan Goober, and surprise,
it's happened, all 5 golden tickets
for a life time supply of
chocolate, and a tour of Willy
Wanker's factory, have been found.
I'm here today with all of the
lucky winners.

First, Goober goes over to Timmy.

GOOBER (CONTD)
Little Timmy here is from
Australia. He found the golden
ticket after hunting dozens of
Koala bears. He then took their
fur, and sold them for chocolate
bar money.
(to Timmy)
Timmy, how do you feel today?

TIMMY
Leave me alone, you bogan!

Timmy sticks up his middle fingers. Goober raises his

eyebrows, and hastily interviews Ivanna instead. Ivanna is
chewing on tobacco.

GOOBER
Ivanna, you're from Ireland. Why
don't you tell us how you found
your golden ticket.

Ivanna chews, and spits.

IVANNA
I was praying to Jesus, and then
poof, what do you know? A golden
ticket came floating out of the
air. It was a real life miracle.

GOOBER
But doesn't that really belong to
someone else?

IVANNA
Over my dead body. Or the body of
Jesus Christ, which would rise
tree days later.
 10.

Goober brings his microphone to Veronica.

GOOBER
Veronica, do --

VERONICA
(interrupts)
I'm so excited! I want to punch
someone in the throat right now!

GOOBER
Uh, yes, and how did you get your
golden ticket?

VERONICA
I robbed a shop, and took all their
sweeties. Right now, I'm on
probation.

GOOBER
Alrighty then...

Goober takes his microphone to Mykull.

GOOBER (CONTD)
Mykull, you're a Canadian, no?

MYKULL
As Canadian as moose shit, and
maple syrup.

GOOBER
So, what's your story?

MYKULL
I made my dad spend his life
savings on chocolate, and that's
how I came to obtain my golden
ticket.

GOOBER
(low voice)
Wow. Everyone heres such a
spoiled, little shit.

MYKULL
What was that, eh?

GOOBER
Oh, I was just saying how much I
love children.

Goober walks over to Chao Lee.

 11.

GOOBER (CONTD)
Hello, Chao Lee from China.
And what is your story about the
last, and final golden ticket.

CHAO LEE
I am very grateful for this
opportunity. Any suspicious you
have about me are unfounded, and
the Communist government has not
sent me here to spy on the country
of England. I obtained my golden
ticket through legitimate means.

GOOBER
What legitimate means?

CHAO LEE
I sold rhino penis to mainlanders
as a cure for erectile dysfunction,
which allowed me to afford the
chocorate.

GOOBER
Wait, isn't that illegal?

CHAO'S NANNY grabs Goober's microphone, and shouts into it.

CHAO'S NANNY
No more questions! This interview
is over!

Goober tries to wrestle back control of his microphone, but

Chao's Nanny resists.
GOOBER
Let go of my microphone!

CHAO'S NANNY
Never!

Chao's Nanny bites into Goober's forearm, sinking her teeth

into him.

GOOBER
Aughhhhhhhhhhhh!

EXT. OUTSIDE WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY (RETURN TO SCENE)

The Rice Man's iPad stops playing the video of Goober and the
children.

Accordingly, Harry has a blank, numb expression. He's sad.

 12.

HARRY
So, there are no more tickets?

Rice Man puts away his iPad.

RICE MAN
I'm afraid so. But cheer up. I
can always write your name on a
grain of rice. Would you like
that?

HARRY
No.

RICE MAN
It's free.

HARRY
Thanks for the offer, but I'm
okay.

RICE MAN
Come on!

Rice Man gets up in Harrys grill.

RICE MAN (CONTD)

You think you're too good for your
name on rice? Is that it? You're a
food snob?!

Naturally, Harry steps back.

HARRY
P-please, leave me alone.
Rice Man goes into his stall on wheels, and picks up a bag of
rice.

RICE MAN
Take my rice!

He throws a handful of it at Harrys face. Harry winces.

HARRY
Ah, what the hell, you psycho!

Rice Man gathers more rice in hand for another pitch. Harry
turns around, and runs. He feels the rice thrown at his back.

Rice Man chases Harry around, and throws some more rice.
Harry squeals like he's being assaulted.
 13.

RICE MAN
C'mere, porcupine!

At least three more quantities of rice are thrown at Harry.

EXT. SHACK, SHIRE STREET - NIGHT

The shack looks quiet, and lonely. There's a light wind

blowing leaves around.

INT. SHACK - NIGHT

Chang, Mindy, Emily, and Craig are all sleeping in the main
bed. Meanwhile, Harry is lying on a mattress on the floor.

He is sniffling, and crying. We can clearly hear it.

This awakes Chang, who opens his eyes.

CHANG
Are you still crying?

HARRY
(crying)
No.

CHANG
Harry. I know you wanted that
golden ticket, but it's gone
now. Let it go. Life is full of
disappointments, heartbreaks,
and failure. You can't sulk,
and stop wanting to do things
because you've hit a bump on the
road. The only thing to do
is keep going forward.

HARRY
This isn't making me feel better.

CHANG
Take me for example. I wanted my
son to become a doctor -- but is
he? No, he isn't. I'm very, very
disappointed, yet here I am not
crying like a little bitch.

HARRY
I'm not even out of high school
yet. How can you expect me to be
a doctor?
 14.

CHANG
Excuse me, but Doogie Howser was a
doctor when he was 14 years old,
and he's not even Asian!

Harry has nothing to say. He responds with a deep sigh.

EXT. WEST SIDE, QUALITY STREET - DAY

Harry is walking down the sidewalk, on the west side of

Quality Street, which is the area just before the sweets shop
that once existed.

On his excursion, Harry walks past a Chinese red envelope

laying by the curbside. He stops suddenly, and turns his head
back to look at it.

Recognizing the red envelope, he excitedly runs over to it,

and picks it up. He takes it, and slowly opens it. He puts
his fingers in, and pulls out a 5 pound note.

Harry smiles. He folds the money, and puts it away into his
back pocket.

EXT. SWEETS SHOP #2, QUALITY STREET - DAY

Harry comes up to the rebuilt sweet shops. He goes in through

the door.

INT. SWEETS SHOP #2 - DAY

A bald, fat, chest hairy man, with an eye patch, is manning

the counter. His name is DOMI.

Harry goes up to Domi, and greets him.

HARRY
Hello, I see they've rebuilt the
sweets shop.

DOMI
What's it to yeh?

HARRY
Umm, I was just surprised really.

DOMI
Okay then.

HARRY
Can I get a Wanker bar, please?
 15.

Domi takes out a Wanker bar, and slaps it down on the

counter.

EXT. SWEETS SHOP #2, QUALITY STREET - DAY

Harry, with his chocolate, walks east of sweets shop #2.

EXT. EAST SIDE, QUALITY STREET - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Walking away from sweets shop #2, Harry goes on to the east
side of Quality Street, where he encounters a large group of
people, adults, many of them on iPads, and mobile phones.

Harry stops here, and bends down to tie his shoelace. While
doing so, he overhears what theyre saying.

The MAN ON HIS IPAD PRO is staring intensely at his glowing

screen.

MAN ON HIS IPAD PRO

Oh my goodness. I can't believe it.
The fifth golden ticket was a
Chinese counterfeit -- a fake!

Harry looks up.

The MAN ON HIS BLACKBERRY responds to his friend.

MAN ON HIS BLACKBERRY

This means there's one more ticket
left to find!

MAN ON HIS IPAD PRO

And look at this. Miley Cyrus died
from a drug overdose. Wow! I feel
so...happy.

MAN ON HIS BLACKBERRY

Me too, friend. Me too.

Harry smiles. Having tied his shoelace, he stands up, and

takes out his Willy Wanker chocolate bar from his pocket. He
slowly opens it up.

Much to his delight, he reveals a golden ticket. He takes out

the golden ticket, and stares at it in astonishment.

A RANDOM WOMAN who notices him suddenly grabs his arm.

RANDOM WOMAN
Hey! HEY! This kid's got the last
golden ticket!
 16.

As the crowd stares the Random Woman tries pulling Harry

along, but he resists.

HARRY
Lady, let go of me!

Harry takes out a canister of pepper spray. He pepper sprays

the Random Woman in the face. She screams, and holds her
face, and falls to the floor, writhing in pain.

Harry is surprised it is so effective, and then we hear the

sound police sirens.

The Man on his iPad Pro steps out from the crowd, and shouts
to Harry.

MAN ON HIS IPAD PRO

Run, Harry! Run home before the
police arrest you!

Harry runs around the crowd, and goes westward.

EXT. WEST SIDE, QUALITY STREET - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Running, Harry continues to the West Side of Quality Street.

He gets to a gap between two buildings, and takes a left turn
into an alleyway.

EXT. ALLEYWAY - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Harry runs down the alleyway to escape, but then a strange

looking man named SLAGWORTH steps in his way.
SLAGWORTH
Hello, young man.

HARRY
W-who are you?

SLAGWORTH
Name's Slagworth of Slagworth
Sweets Incorporated. I read on
Twitter you've got the last golden
ticket. So, I have an offer for
you.

HARRY
No, I won't suck your dick!

SLAGWORTH

What?
(MORE)
 17.
SLAGWORTH (CONT'D)
No, I -- I want you to obtain an
item for me from Willy Wanker's
factory. It's called an Everlasting
Knobstopper. You give me that, to
reverse engineer, and I'll make you
a very rich man.

HARRY
How rich?

SLAGWORTH
Successful, Jewish lawyer rich.

HARRY
Oooh, that's pretty rich.

INT. SHACK - DAY

Harry runs into the shack holding his golden ticket. As per
usual, Mindy is at her cauldron, and Chang, Craig, ad Emily
are lying in their big bed.

HARRY
I've got it!

Everyone looks.

HARRY (CONTD)
I've got a golden ticket!

Everyone looks surprised, and pleased.

HARRY (CONTD)
And I can take one person with
me.

CHANG
Harry, I'd be honored to --

Harry turns to Mindy.

HARRY
Mom, will you come with me to
Willy Wanker's factory?

MINDY
Oh, wow.

CHANG
Wait, what about me?
 18.

HARRY
I don't wanna take you. You're
crazy. You'll probably take a dump
in the water supply, and
contaminate all the chocolate, or
something.

Chang makes an angry face.

CHANG
You ungrateful, little shit! If
I didn't bring you here, you
would've never gotten that
ticket!

HARRY
Dad, you're bed ridden. Even if
I wanted to choose you, you
couldn't come anyway.

CHANG
No, you know what? You are taking
me to that goddamned factory, and
I'm going to walk again.

Chang takes out a syringe with a green liquid inside.

CHANG (CONTD)
I've created a medicine to cure
me of my paralysis.

He removes his blanket, and injects the green liquid into his
legs. His legs all of a sudden blow up in size, looking like
giant sausages.
EMILY
What the hell.

CHANG
Oops, looks like I made a mistake
in my formula. I guess I'll have
to go back to the drawing board.

CRAIG
No, leave it. You're perfect just
the way you are.

Craig leans over to Chang, and with eyes wide, grips one of
his engorged legs, and starts licking it.

CHANG
Please. Stop that. You're creeping
me out.
(MORE)
 19.
CHANG (CONT'D)
Your tongues doesn't even have
saliva. It's dry like a hamburger
spatula.

EXT. WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY

An excited crowd is gathered outside Willy Wanker's factory.

Of these people there are the golden ticket winners: Timmy,

Ivanna, Veronica, Mykull, and then their parents, Timmy's
Mom, Ivanna's Dad, Veronica's Mom, and Mykull's dad.

Of course we also have Harry, and Chang, who are eagerly

waiting. Slagworth is here too.

As everyone looks ahead, the gates to the factory

ceremoniously open.

WILLY WANKER appears, and with a cane, slowly walks down a

red carpet, towards the people. He looks enfeebled, but then
as he gets to the end, he leaves his cane behind, and does a
roll, and springs up to his feet with two middle fingers
proudly up in the air.

WILLY WANKER
Welcome to the Willy Wanker candy
factory! I'm Willy Wanker!

The crowd claps.

Willy Wanker gestures to Chang, Harry, and the other golden

ticket winners to come forward.

WILLY WANKER (CONTD)

Come on in, golden ticket winners!

The golden ticket winners look at each other with joy, and a
bit of disbelief, and then they enthusiastically walk on
ahead in Willy Wanker's direction, entering the grounds of
his eccentric factory.

INT. CANDY GARDEN, WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY

An ornate double door facing us opens up, and Willy Wanker,

being followed by the golden ticket winners, steps out into
his candy garden.

Willy Wanker puts out his arms as if to show off.

 20.

WILLY WANKER
Here we are! The patented, if
quirky, Willy Wanker facility for
making sweet treats, and,
consequently, smiles!

Everyone gasps, but because theyre impressed by the candy

garden.

The candy garden has what looks like a chocolate river, a

chocolate waterfall, candy cane trees, trees with giant gummy
bears, bushes bearing toffee, colored chocolate filled balls,
lollipops growing out of the ground, licorice vines, huge
sugar mushrooms, and plants with tea cups, and hot chocolate.

WILLY WANKER (CONTD)

(gestures)
Everyone, please, enjoy yourselves.

The golden ticket winners come down some steps, and excitedly
disperse.

We see what everyone's doing:

Harry and Chang pluck some large candy canes off a tree. They
grin, and tap them together like drinking glasses.

Ivanna, and Ivanna's Dad are by a gummy bear tree. Ivanna is

reaching for a giant gummy bear. Ivanna's dad plucks one
down, and hands it to her. She smiles, and looks at it with
hungry eyes.

Veronica takes a colored chocolate filled ball, and bashes it

on the floor, and cracks it in two, revealing the chocolatey
inside.
Mykull is jumping up trying to reach a tree made of colorful
balls, and colorful flowers. Willy Wanker taps it with his
cane, and makes something that looks like Skittles drop down
onto the floor. Mykull bends down, and scoops them up.

Mykull's Dad is by the place where there are licorices vines

growing. He plucks a vine, and stretches it out, and puts his
teeth around it.

Timmy is sat down on a rock. There's a bush in front of him

with candied spheres. He picks up one of these spheres, and
puts his tongue on it.

By the giant sugar mushroom is Veronica's Mom. She puts her

finger into one of the white dots, and takes off something
that looks like cream. She brings it up to her nose, and
sniffs it.
 21.

Meanwhile, Timmy's Mom plucks a large lollipop from the

ground.

We go back to Chang and Harry. They have the candy canes in

their mouths. They make disgusted faces, and pull them out.

CHANG
Hey.

HARRY
These taste funny.

Veronica scoops out some "chocolate" from her "colored

chocolate filled ball" and she puts it in her mouth. But she
spits it out.

VERONICA
What is this? It's so bitter.

Veronica's Mom, by the sugar mushroom, puts the cream like

substance on her tongue, and immediately barfs.

Ivanna and Ivanna's dad, holding their bitten giant gummy

bears are chewing. Their faces show an immense displeasure.

Mykull's Dad takes his licorice vine out his mouth,

disgusted, and drops it on the ground.

MYKULL'S DAD
Willy Wanker, you hoser! What's
the meaning of this? Everything
here tastes like ass!

Willy Wanker is by the bush with the tea cups, holding a tea
cup.
WILLY WANKER
Of course everything tastes like
ass, you all just ate drugs. He-he!
It's the same kind Phil Kosby uses.

CHANG
Wait, are you saying you --

Chang suddenly passes out, and falls to the floor.

Willy Wanker grins a big, evil grin.

INT. JIGSAW ROOM, WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY

Chang, and Harry are unconscious in a cold, steel clad room,

with flickering lights. Each has a leg attached, via chain
and lock, to a thick, industrial pipe.
 22.

Between them we see a hacksaw.

Then the two awake, at roughly the same time, and when their
vision unblurs, they look at each other, and around the room.

HARRY
(scared)
W-where are we?

At the end of the room a door slides open, and Willy Wanker,
on a tricycle comes inside.

WILLY WANKER
Oh, you two are awake. I wanted
to touch your wieners.

CHANG
Willy Wanker, you wanker! What
is the meaning of this?!

WILLY WANKER
Haven't you figured it out already?

Chang gives Willy Wanker a blank stare.

WILLY WANKER (CONTD)

(sighs)
I created this golden ticket
contest to kidnap people. Theyre
the reason why my sweet treats are
so popular. They provide a special,
secret ingredient.

HARRY
Cum? Is it cum? I once saw a cook
book called "Cooking with Cum."

WILLY WANKER
What? Ew, no. The special, secret
ingredient is human flesh. My
candys made from people.

CHANG
Willy Wanker, you are one sick
fuck. But if you wanna kill us, why
are we chained up like this?

WILLY WANKER
I always believe in giving 2nd
chances. Slim 2nd chances, but
chances nonetheless. Do you see
that hacksaw on the floor?

Chang and Harry look at the hacksaw between them.

 23.

WILLY WANKER (CONTD)

If you can saw off your leg, you
will be free to go.

Chang turns to Harry, and whispers something in his ear.

Harry grins.

WILLY WANKER (CONTD)

What was that?

Chang whispers more. Harry laughs a little.

WILLY WANKER (CONTD)

Are you talking about me?

Chang continues whispering with a smile on his face.

Willy Wanker wheels his tricycle closer to Chang, and angrily

sticks out his head.

WILLY WANKER (CONTD)

What did you say? Answer me!

Chang looks at Willy Wanker.

CHANG
I said -- suck my dick!

Chang upkicks Willy Wanker in the face, and knocks the

chocolatier, unconscious, off his tricycle.

HARRY
Nice kick, dad!

CHANG
Thanks! It's my UFC instinct!

HARRY
What?

Chang quickly searches Willy Wankers pockets, and finds a

key. He takes the key, and unlocks his, and Harry's locks.

Freed the two get up.

CHANG
Let's get the fuck outta here!

Chang, and Harry get onto the now available tricycle.

Chang up front, and Harry at the back, Chang peddles towards

the exit.
 24.

INT. LARGE HALLWAY, WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Chang, and Harry on their trike come out into a large hallway
with many doors. They pause, and their eyes dart, wondering
where to go.

HARRY
Which way?

INT. JIGSAW ROOM, WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY

Willy Wanker is coming to. He awakes, and gets to his feet.

He makes an angry face. He grabs his cane off the floor, and
starts walking to the door.

INT. GORILLA ROOM, WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY

On their feet, Harry and Chang enter the gorilla room.

In the center they look around, and see a bunch of gorillas,

high on top of platforms, sitting on nests. Below them are
chutes for collecting their eggs.

CHANG
What the hell is this?

HARRY
Look!

A gorilla makes a face like he's going to take a shit, and

then an egg comes out his hole, and the egg goes down the
chute, and lands in a receptacle.
Chang and Harry go to the receptacle, and look at the egg.
Chang licks his lips.

CHANG
Mmmmm, gorilla egg.

At this moment Willy Wanker, holding a shotgun, comes into

the room. Chang, and Harry turn their heads, and look.

Willy Wanker shoots at them. The two duck, and avoid the
shot, but the shot hits the gorilla egg.

The gorilla above is infuriated, and screams, and beats its

chest.

It jumps down to level ground, and charges at Willy Wanker.

The gorilla knocks away Wanker's shotgun, and then grabs him
around the throat.
 25.

Chang and Harry run off in the opposite direction, and go

through yet another door.

INT. FIZZY DRINKS ROOM, WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

The fizzy drinks room is a modestly sized room, but that has
a huge shaft running all the way up, and a fan at the peak.

Ground level there are bottles, beakers, and tubes, and pipes
sat around like in a laboratory setting.

In the middle of this is an odd, round, twirling machine that

is creating bubbles, and processing soda.

Chang and Harry run past this area -- then Chang backtracks,
and, of course, with Harry in tow.

CHANG
Can't hurt to have a drink,
right?

Chang, and Harry go into the fizzy drinks room. Chang grabs a
bottle.

CHANG (CONTD)
Oh, I'm so thirsty.

Chang opens the bottle, and takes a sip. He gives to Harry,

who does the same.

HARRY
Mmm, not bad.

Then the two start floating off their feet. They look down.
CHANG
Agh! We're floating!

They float faster, and faster, going up. They peer upward,
see the fan.

HARRY
We're gonna hit that fan! What
do we do?!

CHANG
Don't worry. I have a grappling
hook.

Chang takes out a grappling hook gun, and shows it to Harry.

HARRY
Where'd you get that from?
 26.

CHANG
Batman.

HARRY
Really?

EXT. BROODING CITY - NIGHT

Someone that looks like Batman is holding a blonde woman

tight to his body.

The BAT MAN looks her in her eyes as they are surrounded by a
bunch of bad guys, who are steadily encroaching on their
space.

BAT MAN
(to blonde)
Don't worry, I'll get us out
of here. Hang tight.

Bat Man reaches for his grappling hook gun, but there's
nothing there.

BAT MAN (CONTD)

Uhhh, my grappling hook should be
around here somewhere...

His hands search, his eyes are wide in disbelief.

BAT MAN (CONTD)

Aw, shit.

The bad guys swarm on Bat Man, and start beating the crap out
of him.
The blonde woman watches in horror.

INT. FIZZY DRINKS ROOM, WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY (RTS)

Harry is holding onto Chang. Chang shoots his grappling hook

gun, and it connects below. They are pulled down, and put
back on their feet.

The run, and head right into another area.

INT. WALLPAPER HALLWAY, WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Chang and Harry pass through a hallway, where there is

wallpaper that has pictures of fruits on them.
 27.

INT. ELEVATOR HALLWAY, WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Chang, and Harry come into another hallway. They stop for a
moment, and look down at the end.

There is a special elevator that's made out of glass, and

gold, but looking more as a bullet than an elevator. Yet it's
called a glass elevator.

HARRY
Is that an elevator?

CHANG
I think it is!

Chang, and Harry head for the glass elevator. But as they get
halfway there a bunch of little, orange men, with green hair,
and white overalls, drop down from a hole in the ceiling.

With angry faces they block the way.

CHANG (CONTD)
What the hell is this? The Warwick
Davis festival?

At the opposite side, Willy Wanker, and Slagworth appear.

They're on the WankerMobile, a weird, convoluted, wheeled
vehicle that's made out of brass, and steel, that looks like
it's been mashed together from random industrial parts.
There's a spout on top spewing white foam.

WILLY WANKER
Mister Wang, going so soon?

SLAGWORTH
We've really enjoyed your company.

HARRY
Wait a minute -- Slagworth?

SLAGWORTH
I work for Wanker now. I no longer
need your Knobstopper.
(points)
I have all the knob I need right
here!

HARRY
You English bastard...!

Willy Wanker, and Slagworth, roll ahead in their

WankerMobile.
 28.

At the same time the strange, orange midgets start moving

forward as well.

Chang, and Harry, looking afraid, are stuck between these two
sides that are starting to close in on them.

HARRY (CONTD)
Oh, no, What do we do?

CHANG
We pray...

Harry and Chang hold each other.

Then the two forces rush forward -- the orange midgets, a

screaming Willy Wanker, and Slagworth in their WankerMobile.

Harry and Chang close their eyes, and brace for them impact,
but then the orange midgets run past them, and jump onto
Willy Wanker, and Slagworth like rabid animals. They sound
like rabid animals, eating prey.

Untouched, Harry and Chang open their eyes. They look back at
the chaos behind them.

CHANG (CONTD)
Let's get out of here!

They run for the glass elevator. They pull open the door, and
get inside.

Harry pushes the big red button inside.

The elevator starts shaking, and rumbling, and then it shoots

up.

EXT. WANKER'S FACTORY - DAY

The glass elevator pops through the ROOF of the factory, and
heads into the sky.

EXT. OVER ENGLANDSHIRE, SKY - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Harry and Chang, in their flying, glass elevator, look

outside below.

HARRY
Wow. It looks exactly like Google
maps. Or MapQuest. Is that still
a thing?
 29.

CHANG
Oooh, I think I can see an
attractive lady taking a shower.
Wait, no, it's just a dude with
long hair. Goddamnit.

In the glass elevator, red lights start to flash, and there

is an alarming sound. The altimeter needle starts dropping.

CHANG (CONTD)
(looks)
Oh, crap. We're losing altitude!

EXT. SHACK, SHIRE STREET - DAY

The shack sits outside as per usual. It's quiet.

INT. SHACK - DAY

Mindy, Emily, and Craig are having a quiet supper.

Then the glass elevator drops through the roof, and crashes
onto the one, big bed.

The door to glass elevator opens, and Chang, and Harry come
out.

Everyone at the table pauses, and they turn their heads, and
stare.

HARRY
Hello, everyone, uh, how do you
do?
MINDY
Great, so, how was the tour of
Willy Wanker's factory?

CHANG
I think I'm gonna leave it a bad
review online.

MINDY
Oh, you're one of those people.

CHANG
(sighs)
Fine. Never mind.

THE END