THE WANGS

THE CLERK (S2E6)

Written by

Harry Jonathan Chong

01/26/2016

When Chang Wang is unable to pay off a million dollar debt, his
life becomes under threat, and he, and his family must flee to
Toronto, Canada. There Chang finds menial employment as a foul
mouthed convenience store clerk.
EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Nothing seems unusual at the Wang household. There's their

house.

INT. LIVING ROOM, 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

CHANG is having a family meeting with, of course, his wife

MINDY, kids EMILY, HARRY, and then their robot CRAIG.

Chang is standing in front of everyone, while they sit.

CHANG
Do you guys remember how I lost my
job?

HARRY
Nope.

CHANG
Well, I got a new one! Would any of
you like to guess what it is?

Harry raises his hand. Chang points to him.

CHANG (CONTD)
Yes, you.

HARRY
Are you going to fart into jars,
and then sell those jars of farts
to people, who like smelling farts?

CHANG
Uh, what? No. I'm not going to sell
jars of farts to people, you freak
of nature. I'm going to work as a
clerk at a convenience store. You
know, the place where everyone
hates to shop, but they do because
it's open.

EMILY
Boy, that's a real shitty job, dad.

CHANG
Hey, I know that. But I'm going to
make some money on the side.

CRAIG
Stealing?
 2.

CHANG
No. Not stealing. I'm not some sort
of lowlife sleazebag.

HARRY
So, what're you gonna do?

CHANG
I'm gonna sell drugs.

MINDY
You are not selling drugs!

CHANG
That guy from Malcolm in the Middle
did it!

MINDY
That was a TV show.

Chang narrows his eyes.

CHANG
Hmm, interesting you mentioned
that, Mindy. Because I have a
theory that our world is just a TV
show. Think about it: Every time we
find ourselves in danger something
swoops in to save us. I mean, Deus
Ex Machina, you know.

EMILY
So, you're saying we just exist to
entertain people on TV? And that
we're being watched?
CHANG
Yes, Emily, that could be the case.

Emily sticks up her middle fingers to the audience.

EMILY
Hey, fuck you, everybody! I'm not
your little monkey! Go read a book!
TV rots your brain! You retards!

HARRY
Wait a minute, what if our very
existence depends on our
popularity, and us being watched?
 3.

CHANG
You're right! Oh, God, Emily, why
did you tell them that TV rots
their brains?!
(to audience)
No, no! Watch more TV! TV IS
AWESOME! If you don't watch TV
you're a fucking loser!

CRAIG
Excuse me, but what was the point
of this meeting -- besides
questioning our existence?

CHANG
Oh, to tell you about my job. Oh,
and also, we're moving to Toronto,
Canada.

MINDY
Toronto? Canada?

CHANG
Look, you guys all know how I like
to do my science, and stuff. Well,
I borrowed some money from this
shady guy to fund my projects, and
now he says he's going to kill me,
if I don't pay him back his million
dollars within a week. I don't have
that money; ergo, to avoid death,
we pack our shit, and move up
north. Not forever, just till the
heat dies down.
Emily crosses her arms.

EMILY
And what if I refuse?

CHANG
You'll die, Emily! Oh, oh, did I
forget to mention that he said he'd
kill the whole family? Yeah, I
might've left that out originally,
so as to shelter you from the harsh
realities of life. I'm a good
father like that...
(looks at Mindy)
...aren't I?

Mindy sighs.
 4.

EXT. SKY - DAY

There's an airplane in the sky, passing through the clouds.

The whole Wang family is here, traveling to Canada.

We can hear the voices of Chang, Mindy, Harry, Emily, and

Craig.

CHANG (O.S.)
What luck! We're all sitting
together, and there's no crying
babies.

A baby on board starts crying. Loudly.

CHANG (O.S.) (CONTD)

Don't worry. I have a device baby-
silencing device.

CRAIG (O.S.)
Is it a gun?

CHANG (O.S.)
I'm not a psychopath, Craig! The
device will just freeze the baby
temporarily.

We hear footsteps as Chang gets up, and walks, and then there
is a noise like a futuristic weapon being fired.

The MOTHER of the baby seems in shock.

MOTHER (O.S.)
Omigod! You froze my baby! Thank
you so much! It can breathe like
this, right?

CHANG (O.S.)
Yes, don't be frightened by its
icy, blue appearance. Only its
vocal cords, and large, skeletal
muscles are affected.

MOTHER (O.S.)
This is great, but what are the
long-term effects of freezing my
baby?

CHANG (O.S.)
How the hell should I know? Just
enjoy the peace and quiet.

Chang walks back to his seat, and sits down.

 5.

HARRY (O.S.)
Maaan, this sucks! I don't wanna
live in Toronto, Canada. Toronto is
third world ugly.

EMILY (O.S.)
And it's cold as fuck. You'll
freeze your goddamned nips off.

MINDY (O.S.)
Emily, stop with the racist
language. You will not freeze
anything off.

CHANG (O.S.)
Ha-ha, yeah. How cold could Canada
be?

EXT. PEARSON AIRPORT - DAY

We find ourselves in Canada. The airplane from earlier is

sitting on the tarmac. It is encased in ice, while wind, and
snow blows around it.

An airline worker wearing a Canada Moose jacket is here

treating the door with a blowtorch. He makes a line around
the cracks, and then gets a crowbar, and hammers it into a
gap. He pulls on the end of the crowbar, and pops open the
door.

As soon as he does, Chang comes bursting out of the plane,

and the door knocks the airline worker off the staircase. No
one notices.
CHANG
Holy fuck! It's cold as fuck out
here!

Chang holds himself, and shivers. Afterward, Mindy, Emily,

Harry, and Craig come outside as well. They look wide-eyed,
and a bit mystified.

Craig stares at all the snow.

CRAIG
Ooh, I hope that's cocaine!

MINDY
It's not cocaine.

CRAIG
(frowns)
It's never cocaine.
 6.

EXT. MAPLE STREET - DAY

Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig are in a bus stop with
their luggage. They are packed together, holding themselves
for warmth.

CHANG
So! How's everyone enjoying Canada?

HARRY
Canada is a shitty country. It's
full of shitty people.

CHANG
Harry, dont be such a dope. You
know thats not true.

HARRY
You're right...! There is one
Canadian that I really like.

EMILY
Who is it?

HARRY
George.

CHANG
Who the fuck is George?

HARRY
He's a famous, French-Canadian,
martial artist. I've been talking
to him online. When he heard I was
coming to Canada he said he'd come
visit me.

EMILY
Harry, you expect us to buy that
bullshit? You think anyone famous
would actually take time out of
their day to visit you? C'mon, use
your fat brain. He's probably a
pedophile looking for some teenaged
ass.

HARRY
Are you sure?

EMILY
You stupid, fucking idiot.
 7.

MINDY
EMILY. Stop swearing at your
brother.

CHANG
Yes, we're in a new country. We
should turn over a new leaf, and
for once act civilized. This isn't
America. This is Canada. It's an
amazing place, and it's the
birthplace of hockey. Harry, do you
like hockey?

HARRY
I hate hockey. Hockey can suck my
lil dick.

All of a sudden a Canadian named GREG appears. He's wearing a

toque, and a plaid jacket. Also, he's holding a hockey stick.

GREG
(to Harry)
Yo, you fucking hoser! What did you
say about the great sport of
hockey?!

HARRY
Uh...

Mindy intervenes, and steps in front of Harry to face Greg.

MINDY
Hey, back off.

GREG
No, you back off, lady! I'll kick
your ass from here to Vancouver,
eh!

Mindy glares at Greg, and then she jerseys him, pulling the
back off his jacket over his head, so that he cannot see.

Mindy holds Greg in place, and takes out her wand. She zaps
him with it, and he magically disappears.

CHANG
Mindy! Why did you murder that
man?! We came here to escape
violence!

MINDY
Relax. I didn't murder him. I just
sent him to a planet -- where the
world is ruled by peanuts!
 8.

EXT. PEANUT COLISEUM - DAY

Here is a coliseum, full of living peanuts. They're peanuts,

but large like humans, and with legs, arms, and everything
you'd expect on a person's face.

In the middle of this arena is: Greg, who is holding his

hockey stick, and MISTA PEANUT.

Mista Peanut has a monocle, top hat, and cane. He swings this
cane at Greg's head, but Greg ducks.

Mista Peanut tries again, and this time swings for Greg's
feet. Greg jumps up to dodge the attack.

Mista Peanut looks frustrated. He pulls back his cane, and

swings it forward. At the same time Greg does the same with
his hockey stick.

The hockey stick, and cane meet together, and lock. The two
press against each other, and then Mista Peanut shoves Greg
to the ground.

Mista Peanut runs towards him. But Greg quickly sits up, and
picks up some dirt, and throws it into Mista Peanut's eyes.

Mista Peanut shrieks from pain. As he rub his eyes, Greg gets
up, and charges ahead.

Greg swings his hockey stick, full force, at Mista Peanut.

Mista Peanut spins off his feet, and lands on his back with a
great thud.

Wasting no time, Greg attacks again. He goes haywire, and

starts beating the absolute shit out of Mista Peanut.
Mista Peanut begins to crack.

A YOUNG PEANUT in the stands cries for mercy.

YOUNG PEANUT
Stop! Stop! Can't you see?! He's
already dead! He's leaking peanut
butter!

EXT. TORONTO STREET - DAY

The Wangs are traveling in a street car, going through

Toronto Street, a street that mysteriously has all the famous
landmarks of the city of Toronto.
 9.

There's: Honest Ed's, Massey Hall, Eaton Center, the Hockey

Hall of Fame, Casa Loma, Princes' Gate, the Royal Ontario
Museum, the CN Tower, the SkyDome, Nathan Phillips Square,
Toronto City Hall, and Sam the Record Man.

INT. STREET CAR, TORONTO STREET - DAY

The car is filled with passengers but not packed.

At the back is Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig. They're

all sitting, except for Craig who opts to stand, and holds
onto a bar for stability.

CRAIG
So then I said to Daniel: "Hey,
fuck you, I can't shit in a horse's
mouth!"

EMILY
Uhhh...what?

At this moment the PRIME MINISTER of Canada appears.

PRIME MINISTER
Hello, fellow Canucks, how do you
do?

MINDY
Actually, we're Americans.

PRIME MINISTER
Americans, Canadians same thing...
So! What's everyone up to? I'm the
Prime Minister of Canada by the
way.

CHANG
You? You're the leader of Canada?
Why are you taking the bus?

PRIME MINISTER
Oh, you know, to get in touch with
the common people. Also, I'm super
duper drunk.

The Prime Minister turns his head away, and throws up. He
wipes his mouth, and returns to his upright, gleaming
posture.

EMILY
Ew. Gross.
 10.

PRIME MINISTER
Don't worry. I'm vegan. Everything
I threw up can be recycled, and fed
to livestock. Or Japanese women.

HARRY
You're weird.

PRIME MINISTER
No, I'm not. I'm a pretty typical
Canadian. I drink maple syrup for
breakfast, and I play hockey during
my lunch break. As an American, do
you like hockey?

HARRY
No, not really. Not that I'm
homophobic, but it's kind of a gay
sport. The hockey sticks represent
penises.

MINDY
Harry, stop talking nonsense. Why
are you being so rude?

PRIME MINISTER
It's okay. Everyones entitled to
their opinions. But let me say that
Canadians are not two dimensional.
Were not just hockey nuts. We also
play soccer.
(to Harry)
Would you like a free soccer ball?
Or as they call it in your country,
a "football."
HARRY
Well, if its free...

CHANG
Harry. Don't take it.

HARRY
But I like free stuff.

CHANG
Harry! Politicians are corrupt,
evil, soulless people. It doesn't
matter if they're Canadian. They're
all bad. They're vampires that feed
on the blood of little children.
(to the Prime Minister)
Don't think I don't know about the
Ontario Gas Plant Scandal!
(MORE)
 11.
CHANG (CONT'D)
You guys stole over a billion
dollars from tax payers! You know
what? Fuck you, Mister Prime
Minister!

PRIME MINISTER
(to Harry)
So, you want the soccer ball or
not?

HARRY
I'll take it. But I'm not very
athletic. I sweat when I play video
games.

The Prime Minister goes into the backpack by his feet, and
takes out an armadillo resting in ball form, and hands it to
Harry.

PRIME MINISTER
Here you go. Enjoy.

HARRY
(looks)
Uh, this isn't a soccer ball.

PRIME MINISTER
Oh, my mistake. I have poor vision.
That must be my Canadian armadillo.
He's cute, isn't he?

Harry looks down, and all of a sudden the armadillo unfurls

itself, and stares back with a growl.

HARRY
Hmm, he looks a little grouchy.

The armadillo jumps up, and latches onto Harry's face.

Harry screams, and stands up, and stumbles around through the
bus, trying to pull off the armadillo.

Finally, he does. He pulls off the armadillo, and throws it

to the floor; upon impact, the armadillo bounces, and rolls
up into a ball.

Harry kicks the armadillo like a football.

EXT. STREET CAR, TORONTO STREET - DAY

The armadillo crashes through the back window of the street

car, and goes sailing through the air.
 12.

Meanwhile, a YOUNG MAN and YOUNG WOMAN are having a

conversation. They are standing in front of two buildings,
which has an alleyway between.

YOUNG MAN
Come on? Why won't you have sex
with me? I got a raging boner, and
guess whose name is on it? Yours!

YOUNG WOMAN
You disgusting pervert! I'm saving
myself for marriage!

YOUNG MAN
Why?

YOUNG WOMAN
D-uh! When you bone for the first
time, you remember it forever! What
if you're not "the one"? Or what if
you have herpes? That shit has no
cure!

YOUNG MAN
Listen. I told you, I don't have
herpes. I have AIDS.

YOUNG WOMAN
I don't care what you have. Were
not having sex. Im a good person.

The Young Man groans, then as his shoulders sink the Canadian
armadillo in ball-form comes out of the air, and hits the
Young Woman square in the head. She drops down, unconscious.
The armadillo scampers off.

The Young Man is in shock, and looks down at his girlfriend.

YOUNG MAN
Alicia! Are you okay?

The Young Woman is unresponsive.

The Young Man's eyes suspiciously dart right to left, as if

checking to see whether anyone is looking.

Quickly, he grabs the Young Woman by the ankles, and drags

her into the shadows of the alleyway behind.

A moment passes by, and then we hear the voice of the Young
Man again.
 13.

YOUNG MAN (O.S.) (CONTD)

Im not a rapist by the way! The
alleyway is just a shortcut to my
girlfriends house! So, ah, get
your minds out of the gutter, you
sick fucks!

EXT. EXODUS PLAZA - DAY

Here is Exodus Plaza. It's an extremely plain place for

shopping, with all the shops in a straight line, going from
one end to another.

The first shop to the left is a convenience store called

"Kwan Stop." Following this, second, is "GST Video" a video
rental place, not unlike Blockbuster.

Third, we have a payday loan outlet titled "$hark Loans,"

with their mascot called Sharky, and lastly, fourth, is "Vase
World." They just sell vases!

In front of this plaza on the sidewalk is a polar bear. The

polar bear tips over a trashcan, and sniffs the bag inside.
He then picks it up, with his teeth, and runs off.

The next moment the Toronto streetcar appears. It stops in

front of the plaza, and the Wang family come out.

The streetcar leaves. Chang, Mindy, Harry, Emily, and Craig

huddle together, and look ahead at the stores.

CHANG
Hmm... This place looks like a real
fucking dump.

INT. KWAN STOP - DAY

Chang, Mindy, Harry, Emily, and Craig enter the convenience

store. When the chimes ring, the Asian man behind the
counter, named KWAN, lifts his head from the newspaper that
he's reading.

KWAN
Chang! You made it!

Kwan comes out from behind the counter. He hugs Chang.

CHANG
Glad to see you, too.
 14.

KWAN
So! How's everything going? Do you
like Canada? What do you think of
my store?

CHANG
Your store? Oh, uh, it's great! I
like it a lot, Cousin Kwan.

Craig scratches his head.

CRAIG
Cousin Kwan?

Kwan looks at the others, and waves.

KWAN
I'm Cousin Kwan! Or you can just
call me Kwan. Ah, has Chang not
talked about me?

HARRY
No, our dad has problems
communicating. I think he might be
retarded.

CHANG
I do not have problems
communicating. Listen up.
(points to Kwan)
This is my cousin, Kwan. When he
heard about our problems, he
offered me a job, and a place to
stay. So, here we are. Don't be a
fucking ingrate.
EMILY
Wait. Where will we be living
again?

KWAN
This store has a nice, furnished
basement, where I run an illegal
gambling operation. It's mostly
Mahjong... Oh, and I also own
another place at this plaza: GST
Video. We rent out VHS tapes.

EMILY
I'm 14 years old, and what is that?

KWAN
It's old timey technology for
watching movies.
(MORE)
 15.
KWAN (CONT'D)
It's made a comeback due to
hipsters. Does anyone wanna work
there...for less than minimum wage?

Mindy eagerly raises her arm to volunteer for tribute.

KWAN (CONTD)
Great. So, what about the kids? I
guess they're going to school?

CHANG
No. We have to keep a really low
profile here, since someone is
trying to kill us. I know, I know,
school's important, but if
everything goes according to my
plan, I'll be able to create a
machine that uploads information
instantly, and directly into the
human brain. So, no more school
necessary! How cool is that?

KWAN
Wait. If you're so smart that you
can create something like that, why
don't you just make a device to
kill the person who's trying to
kill you?

CHANG
I tried. It didn't work. He's super
smart. He neutralized my invention,
and then hit me in the balls with a
banjo.
KWAN
Hmm, interesting. Anyway! I'm gonna
go now. I need to find my polar
bear.

CHANG
Okay, see yah.

Kwan turns around, and leaves his store.

CHANG (CONTD)
POLAR BEAR?

CRAIG
LEMON TREE?
 16.

EXT. KWAN STOP, EXODUS PLAZA - DAY

We find ourselves in front of Kwan Stop. Kwan Stop's windows

are obscured by metal shutters.

Craig and Harry put up a large sign in front of them that

says:

"I DO DECLARE; WE'RE OPEN!"

The two step back, and look at their handiwork.

HARRY
Hmm, it sounds a little too formal.

CRAIG
I do declare; I have a solution.

Craig turns around the sign, to the blank side, and takes out
a can of spray paint, and paints: "Fuck you, everybody! We're
open!"

CRAIG (CONTD)
So, what do you think?

HARRY
(looking)
Ehhh, good enough.

From out of the blue, a customer named JAYDEN appears on

scene.

He sees the sign.

JAYDEN
Whoa, what's with the rude sign?

Craig, and Harry turn their heads/attention to Jayden.

CRAIG
It's to inform customers we're
open. D-uh!

JAYDEN
Okay, but whyre the shutters down?

HARRY
Flying hockey pucks.

JAYDEN
Ha! Right! Attack of the killer,
flying, hockey pucks!
 17.

HARRY
I advise you not to be so cavalier
aboot this issue. Hundreds of
Canadians die every year from
flying hockey pucks.

JAYDEN
Sure, whatever you say, buddy.

Craig spots something in the distance. He points his finger.

CRAIG
Look out!

A storm of hockey pucks flies toward the convenience store.

Craig, Jayden, and Harry cover themselves asap, but still get
battered, so much so that they collapse to the ground.

However, they survive. They gingerly get up from the pile of

pucks. Harry shakes his fist at the anonymous hockey players.

HARRY
Damn you kids! Learn to slap shot!

A SNOT NOSED KID replies.

SNOT NOSED KID (O.S.)

Screw you! You cant tell me what
to do! You're not my real dad!

HARRY
Like hell I'm not!

Harry steps forward as if to charge, but Craig holds him

back.
CRAIG
Let it go, Harry. He's not worth
it.

INT. KWAN STOP - DAY

Behind the counter, Chang is leaning forward, with his hands

folded. He is awaiting business.

Then a customer comes in. The chimes above the door goes off,
and enter PROFESSOR EGG. He saunters over to Chang.

PROFESSOR EGG
Hello, there.

CHANG
Hi, how can I help you?
 18.

PROFESSOR EGG
I have a question.

CHANG
Yes?

PROFESSOR EGG
I wanna suck yo' dick.

CHANG
That's not a question. Also, why
would you even say that to me?

PROFESSOR EGG
Because you look like a bitch.

CHANG
That's no excuse for being rude.

EXT. GST VIDEO, EXODUS PLAZA - DAY

We're in front of GST Video. It looks like it's from the

1990s.

INT. GST VIDEO - DAY

Mindy, and Emily are at the counter waiting for customers. On

the counter is an old computer. Behind is a collection of VHS
tapes, and cartridge video games, sitting on a large shelf.

EMILY
Mom?
Mindy turns her head to Emily.

EMILY (CONTD)
When you were younger did you think
this is what you would be doing
with your life?

MINDY
Emily, here's the thing... For most
humans, and animals, on this Earth
life is garbage. People they spend
all their time pursuing this
nebulous idea of happiness, and
they never ever find it. So, its
best to just take what comes your
way with a stiff upper lip, and
then enjoy the small moments of joy
that youre given.
(MORE)
 19.
MINDY (CONT'D)
I know its a big pill to swallow,
but if you don't accept this now,
you will burn yourself out with
frustration, and die young.

EMILY
Whoa, mom. Are you really saying it
doesn't get better?

MINDY
Oh, Emily.

Mindy grins, and rubs the top of Emily's head. Mindy then
looks away, and faces forward like she's away in another
world.

EMILY
Hey, that doesn't answer my
question. Mom?

Emily tugs on Mindy's sleeve.

EMILY (CONTD)
Mom? MOM?

But Mindy ignores her -- then a customer comes in through the

door. PATTY strolls in with a whistle. He stops, and goes up
to the counter.

Mindy gives her attention to him.

MINDY
(sprightly)
Hello, welcome to GST Video!
PATTY
Greetings, my name is Patty, or Pat
for short, and I would like to rent
a VHS movie.

MINDY
In what genre, sir?

PATTY
Do you have any p-p-porn?

MINDY
I'm afraid we're not that type of
business.

Emily whispers in Mindy's ear.

 20.

MINDY (CONTD)
I'm afraid we are that type of
business.

PATTY
Great. What type of p-p-porn do you
have? Anything good?

Mindy takes out a binder, and looks through a list.

MINDY
Let's see, uh, the top rentals are:
"Star Whores, Whorey Potter,
Whorest Gump, Interstellwhore, the
Gladiat-whore, the
Terminatewhore...
Bravewhore, Toy StWHOREy, umm, Slut
Club (Rule #1, Don't Talk About
Slut Club), the Lion Cunt, aaand
the Whoreshank Redemption." The
Whoreshank Redemption? That doesn't
even make sense.

PATTY
Um, do you have anything with Asian
chicks?

Mindy looks through her binder again. She finds an item, and
points her finger to it.

MINDY
Ah, here we go: The Last
SamWHOREai. Do you wanna rent
this?
PATTY
Yah, I'll take it. Hurry up though,
my woody is at half mast right now.

MINDY
OK. Gross.

Emily gets "The Last SamWHOREai" from the shelf, and puts it
on the counter. Patty takes out his ID and credit card.

Mindy quickly types his information into an old computer that

has a green colored screen, and then presses enter to
finalize it all.

MINDY (CONTD)
Alright then, you're good to go.
Thank you for using GST Video. Your
#1 source for retro 1990s
entertainment.
 21.

Patty nods. He takes his VHS tape, and two cards.

PATTY
Goodbye! I'm going home to touch
myself -- inappropriately.

Patty waves goodbye, and heads for the door.

EMILY
(sarcastic)
Yeah, thanks for sharing!

PATTY
You're welcome!

EXT. EXODUS PLAZA - DAY

Carrying a boom box, Craig, and Harry walk from the front of
Kwan Stop over to GST Video.

Craig sets down the the boom box, and presses play. A heavy
metal song comes out from the speakers.

Craig and Harry head bang, and dance to the music. Then the
music stops playing as the tape reaches the end.

Harry wipes some sweat from his brow, and goes "whew." He and
Craig lean against the wall to relax.

Harry takes out a chocolate bar, unwraps it, and takes a

bite. He eats it, then chats to Craig.

HARRY
I have a question for you, Craig.
If you could be a superhero, which
super hero would you be?

CRAIG
Batman.

HARRY
What? Batman sucks.

CRAIG
Says who?

HARRY
The guy's a doofus.

CRAIG
Those are fightin words, Harry!
 22.

HARRY
No. Listen, okay? Batman fights all
these villains. They're crazy
psychopaths who kill dozens, if not
hundreds of people each year. Yet,
Batman don't even have the brains
to use a gun to fight them.

CRAIG
He can't. He was traumatized as a
kid. His parents were shot to
death.

HARRY
Yah, and guess what? If he had his
own gun at the time it wouldve
never happened. The problem here is
not enough guns. I mean, these bad
guys are slaughtering innocent
people, left and right, and Batman
could easily stop it all with an
M16. But he's too fucking fragile
for that, right? Well, if you're so
fragile that you can't come to your
senses, and use a gun, maybe you
shouldn't be crime fighting. Maybe
you should give all your money to
the Punisher, and let him do a
proper job. The Punisher, now
that's a real super hero.

CRAIG
The Punisher is an immoral P-O-S.

HARRY
And, unlike Batman, he gets the job
done. He kills those fucken
criminals and then they never come
back to do anymore harm. Also, I
should point out that the
Punisher's family was also murdered
with guns. But did Frank Castle
shit himself, and swear them off?
No, because he's not a pussy that
dresses up like a flying rat.

CRAIG
I don't care. I don't like the
Punisher. Batman is way cooler.

HARRY
Batman is a dumbass! Remember the
Dark Knight movie? There was that
scene when the police were facing
(MORE)
 23.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Bane's army. So, Batman visits them
with basically a fighter jet, and
what does he do? He shoots out the
tanks, and then skips off. Why
wouldn't you use it on the bad
guys? Batman basically let hundreds
of innocent police officers die
because of his emotional issues.
What a putz.

CRAIG
Batman's not a putz. Stop calling
him names. He's a man of science.

HARRY
Let me tell you something. If the
Punisher had Batman-level money,
there wouldn't be a need for other
superheroes. The Punisher would
kill all of the bad guys, and there
would be no more Joker, no Lex
Luthor, no Magneto, no nothing.
They'd all be 6 feet under.

CRAIG
But what if killing them creates
more super villains?

HARRY
How?

CRAIG
I dunno. Their kids will want
revenge.
HARRY
None of these people have any kids,
and if they did the Punisher would
kill them too. Not because he's
bad, but to spare them the grief of
having no parents. I saw Harry
Potter, yknow. Dead parents, not a
good thing.

INT. KWAN STOP - DAY

Chang is at the counter arranging some items when Kwan comes

through the front door. His belly looks huge. Groaning he
waddles ahead.

CHANG
Cousin Kwan? Are you okay?
 24.

KWAN
I just came back from the buffet. I
think I ate too much.

CHANG
How much did you eat?

KWAN
37 ducks.

CHANG
37 ducks?! Holy donkey balls!

KWAN
I wanted to get value for my money.

CHANG
Well, was it worth it? Now you're
sick. But of course eating 37 ducks
will make you sick. You probably
have duckitis.

KWAN
Please. Don't remind me.

Kwan's belly rumbles.

KWAN (CONTD)
Oh, God, I have to throw up.

Kwan runs out of the store. Chang follows him up to the door,
where he sticks his head outside.

CHANG
Hey! Try not to eat any ducks on
your way through the parking lot!

We hear a barfing sound, then Chang goes back inside the

store, and gets a broom, and starts sweeping the floor.

As he is doing so HECTOR Lee, a man dressed in a suit, comes

in. Hector Lee is the person to whom Chang owes money. Hector
is looking for revenge, and is carrying a chain gun.

He clears his throat to get Chang's attention. Chang turns

his way.

CHANG (CONTD)
(surprised)
Oh, crap.
 25.

HECTOR
Hello, Mister Wang. Remember me? I
think you owe me some money. Lots
of money actually.

CHANG
I'm sorry. I don't have the money.
But you're the CEO of a successful
financial institution. Can't you
just get a bailout from the
Government? Or how about you just
do the usual, and outright rip
people off? Hmm? How about that?

HECTOR
No, that's unethical. I want my
money from you, and if you don't
have it, then I'm going to kill
you, and your family with my brand
new chain gun.

CHANG
Alright, you can kill me, but you
can't harm my family. Because
They're not with me. I left them
behind.

HECTOR
(whiny)
But I wanna kill your family.

CHANG
Too bad. They're not here.

HECTOR
Fine...! Let's go.

EXT. EXODUS PLAZA - DAY

Hector, and Chang, being help captive, come out of Kwan Stop.
They start walking ahead.

HARRY (O.S.)
Hey, dad! Who's you friend? Come up
here, and play hockey with us!

Chang and Hector stop. They look up. Harry is atop Kwan Stop,
with Mindy, Emily, and Craig. They are dressed in hockey
gear, and there is a net set up.

Harry waves.
 26.

CHANG
Uhhh,I don't know who you are. I'm
not your dad, you, uh, confused,
little, fat boy.

EMILY
Dad, you are a silly Billy.

CHANG
I'm not a silly Billy, and who are
you again?

MINDY
Do you have amnesia? It's us! Your
family!

CRAIG
Yeah, don't you recognize your
wife, your son, and your daughter?

CHANG
No! I don't know you people! Quit
talking to me!

CRAIG
Aaah, stop kidding around, Chang.
You know us! We know you! We know
each other! We're familia!

Chang shakes his head.

Hector then points his chain gun at Harry, Mindy, Emily, and
Craig.

HECTOR
I think you all better come down
from the roof.

Harry, Mindy, Emily, and Craig look at each other like:

"What's going on?"

EXT. FRONT STREET - DAY

Chang, Mindy, Harry, Emily, and Craig are all bundled

together, tied up with rope, standing on top of a large, red,
letter X.

In front of them is Canada's famous CN Tower, and beside that

two giant, mechanical, lumberjacks, holding a long saw that
is shared between them both.
 27.

HECTOR (O.S.)
Alright, you guys ready? It's gonna
be a little messy.

We see Hector in the not too far distance with an iPad.

HECTOR (CONTD)
And, yes! I realize this is over
the top, but to be honest, I'm a
fanciful person.

On the screen of Hectors iPad there's an app for controlling

the giant lumberjacks next to the CN Tower.

CHANG
I don't get it. What's the point of
killing me? Now you'll have no
chance whatsoever of getting your
money back.

HECTOR
Mr Wang, I'm not doing this just
for money. I also have something
called blood lust, an immoral
craving to see innocent people
hurt. But of course, I'm a finance
guy. We all have the same
philosophy.

CHANG
"Profits before people"?

HECTOR
No. "Fuck everybody." That's our
philosophy. "Fuck everybody in
their stupid asses!"

MINDY
You're kidding.

HECTOR
No, Im not kidding. Now, please.
Do me a favor, and shut the fuck. I
need to concentrate.

Hector grins, and places his finger on his iPad. Using his
special app, he motions side to side. Corresponding to these
gestures the giant lumberjacks nearby start sawing into the
CN Tower, just below its head.

Meanwhile, the Wang family, terrified, and sweating, can only

look up at this perilous situation.

Harry looks to Chang.

 28.

HARRY
Dad...?

CHANG
Yes, my son?

HARRY
Don't take this the wrong way, but
I kind of hate you right now.

EMILY
You're always getting us into
trouble.

CRAIG
Yeah, Chang, you fucking idiot.

CHANG
Stop blaming this on me.

Chang points to Hector, using his head.

CHANG (CONTD)
He's the real psychopath here, and
guess what, I don't plan on these
things happening. I'm a victim too!

MINDY
Guys, relax. Things may look bad
now, but I'm sure everything will
work out in the end.

EMILY
Based on what?
MINDY
Based on, uhhh -- stop your
backchatting, Emily!

We see the lumberjacks. They are almost all the way through
the CN Tower with their saw.

HARRY
Oh, I can't believe this. I'm gonna
die a virgin.

CRAIG
Heh, really?

HARRY
What? No, I was just kidding. I've,
uh, had lots of sex. I've banged
over 400 women, and one man -- out
of curiosity.
 29.

Craig rolls his eyes, and then from the ether, suddenly, the
MMA fighter named GEORGE S appears.

Hands on his hips, he looks something like Superman. But he

is simply a French Canadian man, with a good, athletic build.

GEORGE S
(to Harry)
You there! Stop your blatant lying!
And don't worry, you will not die a
virgin -- today. Because good ol
George is here to rescue you!

George S does a bunch of gymnastic-style flips, and gets to

where Hector is.

Hector looks up from his iPad, confused, and scared. George S

narrows his eyes at him, and goes on to kick him in the side
of the head.

But not a regular kick, a kick with multiple strikes at a

time. Imagine a foot bouncing back and forth, like a spring
when you pull on its top, and let it go.

Following this, quickly, George S does a spinning hook kick,

and, connects with Hector's chin.

Hector falls to the ground, and goes unconscious.

The next moment everyone looks to the CN Tower. The

lumberjacks have halted their sawing.

GEORGE S (CONTD)
(to the Wangs)
Well now! Congratulations, you have
all survived the harsh landscape
that is Canada!

George S goes to the Wangs, and does a karate chop on the

rope, and slices through it.

Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig are now free.

GEORGE S (CONTD)
Enjoy your freedom!

HARRY
Thank you, George. I owe you one.

GEORGE S
Think nothing of it! George is
always here to help his fans!
 30.

George S gives a thumbs up, then he runs to a jet pack on the

ground, straps it on his back, and flies up into the sky.

GEORGE S (CONTD)
Up, up, and away!

The Wangs watch as George S disappears.

CRAIG
WOW!

EMILY
What a weird guy.

HARRY
That weird guy saved our lives.

CHANG
And now we can have some fun!

MINDY
Fun? What kind of fun?

CUT TO:

Now Hector is lying on the big, red X.

The Wangs in the distance are watching. While Chang has a

hold of Hector's iPad, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig look
on.

Chang swipes his finger on the iPad, controlling the

lumberjacks by the CN Tower.
The lumberjacks go back, and forth, and then soon cut off the
top of the building.

The top of the building falls down, needle first, and crashes
into Hector, totally obliterating him, and sending out a huge
cloud of dust, which propagates, and fills the air like some
sort of smoke bomb.

In the blackness, we hear coughing, but soon the dust

settles, and everything clears.

The wreckage is shown, but the Wangs, in the midst of this,

look none too perturbed.

Harry especially seems rather pleased.

 31.

HARRY
Guys, I take back everything bad I
said about this country... CANADA
FUCKING ROCKS!

Harry motions his hands, and pretends like he's shredding an

electric guitar. He then jumps, and kicks the air. Freeze
frame, and --

THE END