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THE WANGS

“THE CLERK” (S2E6)

Written by

Harry Jonathan Chong

01/26/2016

When Chang Wang is unable to pay off a million dollar debt, his life becomes under threat, and he, and his family must flee to Toronto, Canada. There Chang finds menial employment as a foul mouthed convenience store clerk.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Nothing seems unusual at the Wang household. There's their house.

INT. LIVING ROOM, 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

CHANG is having a family meeting with, of course, his wife MINDY, kids EMILY, HARRY, and then their robot CRAIG.

Chang is standing in front of everyone, while they sit.

CHANG Do you guys remember how I lost my job?

HARRY

Nope.

CHANG Well, I got a new one! Would any of you like to guess what it is?

Harry raises his hand. Chang points to him.

CHANG (CONT’D)

Yes, you.

HARRY Are you going to fart into jars, and then sell those jars of farts to people, who like smelling farts?

CHANG Uh, what? No. I'm not going to sell jars of farts to people, you freak of nature. I'm going to work as a clerk at a convenience store. You know, the place where everyone hates to shop, but they do because it's open.

EMILY Boy, that's a real shitty job, dad.

CHANG Hey, I know that. But I'm going to make some money on the side.

CRAIG

Stealing?

2.

CHANG No. Not stealing. I'm not some sort of lowlife sleazebag.

HARRY So, what're you gonna do?

CHANG I'm gonna sell drugs.

MINDY You are not selling drugs!

CHANG That guy from Malcolm in the Middle did it!

MINDY That was a TV show.

Chang narrows his eyes.

CHANG Hmm, interesting you mentioned that, Mindy. Because I have a theory that our world is just a TV show. Think about it: Every time we find ourselves in danger something swoops in to save us. I mean, Deus Ex Machina, you know.

EMILY So, you're saying we just exist to entertain people on TV? And that we're being watched?

CHANG Yes, Emily, that could be the case.

Emily sticks up her middle fingers to the audience.

EMILY Hey, fuck you, everybody! I'm not your little monkey! Go read a book! TV rots your brain! You retards!

HARRY Wait a minute, what if our very existence depends on our popularity, and us being watched?

3.

CHANG You're right! Oh, God, Emily, why did you tell them that TV rots their brains?! (to audience) No, no! Watch more TV! TV IS AWESOME! If you don't watch TV you're a fucking loser!

CRAIG Excuse me, but what was the point of this meeting -- besides questioning our existence?

CHANG Oh, to tell you about my job. Oh, and also, we're moving to Toronto, Canada.

MINDY Toronto? Canada?

CHANG Look, you guys all know how I like to do my science, and stuff. Well, I borrowed some money from this shady guy to fund my projects, and now he says he's going to kill me, if I don't pay him back his million dollars within a week. I don't have that money; ergo, to avoid death, we pack our shit, and move up north. Not forever, just till the heat dies down.

Emily crosses her arms.

EMILY And what if I refuse?

CHANG You'll die, Emily! Oh, oh, did I forget to mention that he said he'd kill the whole family? Yeah, I might've left that out originally, so as to shelter you from the harsh realities of life. I'm a good father like that (looks at Mindy)

Mindy sighs.

aren't I?

4.

EXT. SKY - DAY

There's an airplane in the sky, passing through the clouds. The whole Wang family is here, traveling to Canada.

We can hear the voices of Chang, Mindy, Harry, Emily, and Craig.

CHANG (O.S.) What luck! We're all sitting together, and there's no crying babies.

A baby on board starts crying. Loudly.

CHANG (O.S.) (CONT’D) Don't worry. I have a device baby- silencing device.

CRAIG (O.S.) Is it a gun?

CHANG (O.S.) I'm not a psychopath, Craig! The device will just freeze the baby temporarily.

We hear footsteps as Chang gets up, and walks, and then there is a noise like a futuristic weapon being fired.

The MOTHER of the baby seems in shock.

MOTHER (O.S.) Omigod! You froze my baby! Thank you so much! It can breathe like this, right?

CHANG (O.S.) Yes, don't be frightened by its icy, blue appearance. Only its vocal cords, and large, skeletal muscles are affected.

MOTHER (O.S.) This is great, but what are the long-term effects of freezing my baby?

CHANG (O.S.) How the hell should I know? Just enjoy the peace and quiet.

Chang walks back to his seat, and sits down.

5.

HARRY (O.S.) Maaan, this sucks! I don't wanna live in Toronto, Canada. Toronto is third world ugly.

EMILY (O.S.) And it's cold as fuck. You'll freeze your goddamned nips off.

MINDY (O.S.) Emily, stop with the racist language. You will not freeze anything off.

CHANG (O.S.) Ha-ha, yeah. How cold could Canada be?

EXT. PEARSON AIRPORT - DAY

We find ourselves in Canada. The airplane from earlier is sitting on the tarmac. It is encased in ice, while wind, and snow blows around it.

An airline worker wearing a Canada Moose jacket is here treating the door with a blowtorch. He makes a line around the cracks, and then gets a crowbar, and hammers it into a gap. He pulls on the end of the crowbar, and pops open the door.

As soon as he does, Chang comes bursting out of the plane, and the door knocks the airline worker off the staircase. No one notices.

CHANG Holy fuck! It's cold as fuck out here!

Chang holds himself, and shivers. Afterward, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig come outside as well. They look wide-eyed, and a bit mystified.

Craig stares at all the snow.

CRAIG Ooh, I hope that's cocaine!

MINDY It's not cocaine.

CRAIG (frowns) It's never cocaine.

6.

EXT. MAPLE STREET - DAY

Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig are in a bus stop with their luggage. They are packed together, holding themselves for warmth.

CHANG So! How's everyone enjoying Canada?

HARRY Canada is a shitty country. It's full of shitty people.

CHANG Harry, don’t be such a dope. You know that’s not true.

HARRY You're right

Canadian that I really like.

!

There is one

 

EMILY

Who is it?

 

HARRY

George.

CHANG Who the fuck is George?

HARRY He's a famous, French-Canadian, martial artist. I've been talking to him online. When he heard I was coming to Canada he said he'd come visit me.

EMILY Harry, you expect us to buy that bullshit? You think anyone famous would actually take time out of their day to visit you? C'mon, use your fat brain. He's probably a pedophile looking for some teenaged ass.

HARRY Are you sure?

EMILY You stupid, fucking idiot.

7.

MINDY EMILY. Stop swearing at your brother.

CHANG Yes, we're in a new country. We should turn over a new leaf, and for once act civilized. This isn't America. This is Canada. It's an amazing place, and it's the birthplace of hockey. Harry, do you like hockey?

HARRY I hate hockey. Hockey can suck my lil’ dick.

All of a sudden a Canadian named GREG appears. He's wearing a toque, and a plaid jacket. Also, he's holding a hockey stick.

GREG (to Harry) Yo, you fucking hoser! What did you say about the great sport of hockey?!

Uh

HARRY

Mindy intervenes, and steps in front of Harry to face Greg.

MINDY Hey, back off.

GREG No, you back off, lady! I'll kick your ass from here to Vancouver, eh!

Mindy glares at Greg, and then she jerseys him, pulling the back off his jacket over his head, so that he cannot see.

Mindy holds Greg in place, and takes out her wand. She zaps him with it, and he magically disappears.

CHANG Mindy! Why did you murder that man?! We came here to escape violence!

MINDY Relax. I didn't murder him. I just sent him to a planet -- where the world is ruled by peanuts!

8.

EXT. PEANUT COLISEUM - DAY

Here is a coliseum, full of living peanuts. They're peanuts, but large like humans, and with legs, arms, and everything you'd expect on a person's face.

In the middle of this arena is: Greg, who is holding his hockey stick, and MISTA PEANUT.

Mista Peanut has a monocle, top hat, and cane. He swings this cane at Greg's head, but Greg ducks.

Mista Peanut tries again, and this time swings for Greg's feet. Greg jumps up to dodge the attack.

Mista Peanut looks frustrated. He pulls back his cane, and swings it forward. At the same time Greg does the same with his hockey stick.

The hockey stick, and cane meet together, and lock. The two press against each other, and then Mista Peanut shoves Greg to the ground.

Mista Peanut runs towards him. But Greg quickly sits up, and picks up some dirt, and throws it into Mista Peanut's eyes.

Mista Peanut shrieks from pain. As he rub his eyes, Greg gets up, and charges ahead.

Greg swings his hockey stick, full force, at Mista Peanut. Mista Peanut spins off his feet, and lands on his back with a great thud.

Wasting no time, Greg attacks again. He goes haywire, and starts beating the absolute shit out of Mista Peanut.

Mista Peanut begins to crack.

A YOUNG PEANUT in the stands cries for mercy.

YOUNG PEANUT Stop! Stop! Can't you see?! He's already dead! He's leaking peanut butter!

EXT. TORONTO STREET - DAY

The Wangs are traveling in a street car, going through Toronto Street, a street that mysteriously has all the famous landmarks of the city of Toronto.

9.

There's: Honest Ed's, Massey Hall, Eaton Center, the Hockey Hall of Fame, Casa Loma, Princes' Gate, the Royal Ontario Museum, the CN Tower, the SkyDome, Nathan Phillips Square, Toronto City Hall, and Sam the Record Man.

INT. STREET CAR, TORONTO STREET - DAY

The car is filled with passengers but not packed.

At the back is Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig. They're all sitting, except for Craig who opts to stand, and holds onto a bar for stability.

CRAIG So then I said to Daniel: "Hey, fuck you, I can't shit in a horse's mouth!"

Uhhh

EMILY

what?

At this moment the PRIME MINISTER of Canada appears.

PRIME MINISTER Hello, fellow Canucks, how do you do?

MINDY Actually, we're Americans.

PRIME MINISTER Americans, Canadians same thing So! What's everyone up to? I'm the Prime Minister of Canada by the way.

CHANG You? You're the leader of Canada? Why are you taking the bus?

PRIME MINISTER Oh, you know, to get in touch with the common people. Also, I'm super duper drunk.

The Prime Minister turns his head away, and throws up. He wipes his mouth, and returns to his upright, gleaming posture.

EMILY

Ew. Gross.

10.

PRIME MINISTER

Don't worry. I'm vegan. Everything

I threw up can be recycled, and fed to livestock. Or Japanese women.

HARRY You're weird.

PRIME MINISTER No, I'm not. I'm a pretty typical Canadian. I drink maple syrup for breakfast, and I play hockey during my lunch break. As an American, do you like hockey?

HARRY No, not really. Not that I'm homophobic, but it's kind of a gay sport. The hockey sticks represent penises.

MINDY Harry, stop talking nonsense. Why are you being so rude?

PRIME MINISTER It's okay. Everyone’s entitled to their opinions. But let me say that Canadians are not two dimensional. We’re not just hockey nuts. We also play soccer. (to Harry) Would you like a free soccer ball?

Or as they call it in your country,

a "football."

HARRY Well, if it’s free

CHANG Harry. Don't take it.

HARRY But I like free stuff.

CHANG Harry! Politicians are corrupt, evil, soulless people. It doesn't matter if they're Canadian. They're

all bad. They're vampires that feed on the blood of little children. (to the Prime Minister) Don't think I don't know about the Ontario Gas Plant Scandal!

(MORE)

11.

CHANG (CONT'D)

You guys stole over a billion dollars from tax payers! You know what? Fuck you, Mister Prime Minister!

PRIME MINISTER (to Harry) So, you want the soccer ball or not?

HARRY I'll take it. But I'm not very athletic. I sweat when I play video games.

The Prime Minister goes into the backpack by his feet, and takes out an armadillo resting in ball form, and hands it to Harry.

PRIME MINISTER Here you go. Enjoy.

HARRY (looks) Uh, this isn't a soccer ball.

PRIME MINISTER Oh, my mistake. I have poor vision. That must be my Canadian armadillo. He's cute, isn't he?

Harry looks down, and all of a sudden the armadillo unfurls itself, and stares back with a growl.

HARRY Hmm, he looks a little grouchy.

The armadillo jumps up, and latches onto Harry's face.

Harry screams, and stands up, and stumbles around through the bus, trying to pull off the armadillo.

Finally, he does. He pulls off the armadillo, and throws it to the floor; upon impact, the armadillo bounces, and rolls up into a ball.

Harry kicks the armadillo like a football.

EXT. STREET CAR, TORONTO STREET - DAY

The armadillo crashes through the back window of the street car, and goes sailing through the air.

12.

Meanwhile, a YOUNG MAN and YOUNG WOMAN are having a conversation. They are standing in front of two buildings, which has an alleyway between.

YOUNG MAN Come on? Why won't you have sex with me? I got a raging boner, and guess whose name is on it? Yours!

YOUNG WOMAN You disgusting pervert! I'm saving myself for marriage!

YOUNG MAN

Why?

YOUNG WOMAN D-uh! When you bone for the first time, you remember it forever! What if you're not "the one"? Or what if you have herpes? That shit has no cure!

YOUNG MAN Listen. I told you, I don't have herpes. I have AIDS.

YOUNG WOMAN I don't care what you have. We’re not having sex. I’m a good person.

The Young Man groans, then as his shoulders sink the Canadian armadillo in ball-form comes out of the air, and hits the Young Woman square in the head. She drops down, unconscious.

The armadillo scampers off.

The Young Man is in shock, and looks down at his girlfriend.

YOUNG MAN Alicia! Are you okay?

The Young Woman is unresponsive.

The Young Man's eyes suspiciously dart right to left, as if checking to see whether anyone is looking.

Quickly, he grabs the Young Woman by the ankles, and drags her into the shadows of the alleyway behind.

A moment passes by, and then we hear the voice of the Young Man again.

13.

YOUNG MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D) I’m not a rapist by the way! The alleyway is just a shortcut to my girlfriend’s house! So, ah, get your minds out of the gutter, you sick fucks!

EXT. EXODUS PLAZA - DAY

Here is Exodus Plaza. It's an extremely plain place for shopping, with all the shops in a straight line, going from one end to another.

The first shop to the left is a convenience store called "Kwan Stop." Following this, second, is "GST Video" a video rental place, not unlike Blockbuster.

Third, we have a payday loan outlet titled "$hark Loans," with their mascot called Sharky, and lastly, fourth, is "Vase World." They just sell vases!

In front of this plaza on the sidewalk is a polar bear. The polar bear tips over a trashcan, and sniffs the bag inside. He then picks it up, with his teeth, and runs off.

The next moment the Toronto streetcar appears. It stops in front of the plaza, and the Wang family come out.

The streetcar leaves. Chang, Mindy, Harry, Emily, and Craig huddle together, and look ahead at the stores.

CHANG

Hmm

fucking dump.

This place looks like a real

INT. KWAN STOP - DAY

Chang, Mindy, Harry, Emily, and Craig enter the convenience store. When the chimes ring, the Asian man behind the counter, named KWAN, lifts his head from the newspaper that he's reading.

KWAN Chang! You made it!

Kwan comes out from behind the counter. He hugs Chang.

CHANG Glad to see you, too.

14.

KWAN So! How's everything going? Do you like Canada? What do you think of my store?

CHANG Your store? Oh, uh, it's great! I like it a lot, Cousin Kwan.

Craig scratches his head.

CRAIG Cousin Kwan?

Kwan looks at the others, and waves.

KWAN I'm Cousin Kwan! Or you can just call me Kwan. Ah, has Chang not talked about me?

HARRY No, our dad has problems communicating. I think he might be retarded.

CHANG I do not have problems communicating. Listen up. (points to Kwan) This is my cousin, Kwan. When he heard about our problems, he offered me a job, and a place to stay. So, here we are. Don't be a fucking ingrate.

EMILY Wait. Where will we be living again?

KWAN This store has a nice, furnished

basement, where I run an illegal gambling operation. It's mostly

Mahjong

another place at this plaza: GST Video. We rent out VHS tapes.

Oh, and I also own

EMILY I'm 14 years old, and what is that?

KWAN

It's old timey technology for watching movies.

(MORE)

15.

KWAN (CONT'D)

It's made a comeback due to

hipsters. Does anyone wanna work

there

for

less than minimum wage?

Mindy eagerly raises her arm to volunteer for tribute.

KWAN (CONT’D) Great. So, what about the kids? I guess they're going to school?

CHANG No. We have to keep a really low profile here, since someone is trying to kill us. I know, I know, school's important, but if everything goes according to my plan, I'll be able to create a machine that uploads information instantly, and directly into the human brain. So, no more school necessary! How cool is that?

KWAN Wait. If you're so smart that you can create something like that, why don't you just make a device to kill the person who's trying to kill you?

CHANG I tried. It didn't work. He's super smart. He neutralized my invention, and then hit me in the balls with a banjo.

KWAN Hmm, interesting. Anyway! I'm gonna go now. I need to find my polar bear.

CHANG Okay, see yah.

Kwan turns around, and leaves his store.

CHANG (CONT’D) POLAR BEAR?

CRAIG LEMON TREE?

16.

EXT. KWAN STOP, EXODUS PLAZA - DAY

We find ourselves in front of Kwan Stop. Kwan Stop's windows are obscured by metal shutters.

Craig and Harry put up a large sign in front of them that says:

"I DO DECLARE; WE'RE OPEN!"

The two step back, and look at their handiwork.

HARRY Hmm, it sounds a little too formal.

CRAIG I do declare; I have a solution.

Craig turns around the sign, to the blank side, and takes out a can of spray paint, and paints: "Fuck you, everybody! We're open!"

CRAIG (CONT’D) So, what do you think?

HARRY (looking) Ehhh, good enough.

From out of the blue, a customer named JAYDEN appears on scene.

He sees the sign.

JAYDEN Whoa, what's with the rude sign?

Craig, and Harry turn their heads/attention to Jayden.

CRAIG It's to inform customers we're open. D-uh!

JAYDEN Okay, but why’re the shutters down?

HARRY Flying hockey pucks.

JAYDEN Ha! Right! Attack of the killer, flying, hockey pucks!

17.

HARRY I advise you not to be so cavalier aboot this issue. Hundreds of Canadians die every year from flying hockey pucks.

JAYDEN Sure, whatever you say, buddy.

Craig spots something in the distance. He points his finger.

CRAIG

Look out!

A storm of hockey pucks flies toward the convenience store.

Craig, Jayden, and Harry cover themselves asap, but still get battered, so much so that they collapse to the ground.

However, they survive. They gingerly get up from the pile of pucks. Harry shakes his fist at the anonymous hockey players.

HARRY Damn you kids! Learn to slap shot!

A SNOT NOSED KID replies.

SNOT NOSED KID (O.S.) Screw you! You can’t tell me what to do! You're not my real dad!

HARRY Like hell I'm not!

Harry steps forward as if to charge, but Craig holds him back.

CRAIG Let it go, Harry. He's not worth it.

INT. KWAN STOP - DAY

Behind the counter, Chang is leaning forward, with his hands folded. He is awaiting business.

Then a customer comes in. The chimes above the door goes off, and enter PROFESSOR EGG. He saunters over to Chang.

PROFESSOR EGG Hello, there.

CHANG Hi, how can I help you?

18.

PROFESSOR EGG

I have a question.

Yes?

CHANG

PROFESSOR EGG

I wanna suck yo' dick.

CHANG That's not a question. Also, why would you even say that to me?

PROFESSOR EGG Because you look like a bitch.

CHANG That's no excuse for being rude.

EXT. GST VIDEO, EXODUS PLAZA - DAY

We're in front of GST Video. It looks like it's from the

1990s.

INT. GST VIDEO - DAY

Mindy, and Emily are at the counter waiting for customers. On the counter is an old computer. Behind is a collection of VHS tapes, and cartridge video games, sitting on a large shelf.

Mom?

EMILY

Mindy turns her head to Emily.

EMILY (CONT’D) When you were younger did you think this is what you would be doing with your life?

MINDY Emily, here's the thing

For most

humans, and animals, on this Earth life is garbage. People they spend all their time pursuing this nebulous idea of happiness, and

they never ever find it. So, it’s best to just take what comes your way with a stiff upper lip, and

then enjoy the small moments of joy that you’re given.

(MORE)

19.

MINDY (CONT'D)

I know it’s a big pill to swallow,

but if you don't accept this now, you will burn yourself out with frustration, and die young.

EMILY Whoa, mom. Are you really saying it doesn't get better?

MINDY

Oh, Emily.

Mindy grins, and rubs the top of Emily's head. Mindy then looks away, and faces forward like she's away in another world.

EMILY Hey, that doesn't answer my question. Mom?

Emily tugs on Mindy's sleeve.

EMILY (CONT’D)

Mom? MOM?

But Mindy ignores her -- then a customer comes in through the door. PATTY strolls in with a whistle. He stops, and goes up to the counter.

Mindy gives her attention to him.

MINDY (sprightly) Hello, welcome to GST Video!

PATTY

Greetings, my name is Patty, or Pat for short, and I would like to rent

a VHS movie.

MINDY In what genre, sir?

PATTY Do you have any p-p-porn?

MINDY I'm afraid we're not that type of business.

Emily whispers in Mindy's ear.

20.

MINDY (CONT’D) I'm afraid we are that type of business.

PATTY Great. What type of p-p-porn do you have? Anything good?

Mindy takes out a binder, and looks through a list.

MINDY Let's see, uh, the top rentals are:

"Star Whores, Whorey Potter, Whorest Gump, Interstellwhore, the Gladiat-whore, the Terminatewhore Bravewhore, Toy StWHOREy, umm, Slut Club (Rule #1, Don't Talk About Slut Club), the Lion Cunt, aaand the Whoreshank Redemption." The Whoreshank Redemption? That doesn't even make sense.

PATTY Um, do you have anything with Asian chicks?

Mindy looks through her binder again. She finds an item, and points her finger to it.

MINDY Ah, here we go: “The Last SamWHOREai.” Do you wanna rent this?

PATTY Yah, I'll take it. Hurry up though, my woody is at half mast right now.

MINDY

OK. Gross.

Emily gets "The Last SamWHOREai" from the shelf, and puts it on the counter. Patty takes out his ID and credit card.

Mindy quickly types his information into an old computer that has a green colored screen, and then presses enter to finalize it all.

MINDY (CONT’D) Alright then, you're good to go. Thank you for using GST Video. Your #1 source for retro 1990s entertainment.

21.

Patty nods. He takes his VHS tape, and two cards.

PATTY Goodbye! I'm going home to touch myself -- inappropriately.

Patty waves goodbye, and heads for the door.

EMILY (sarcastic) Yeah, thanks for sharing!

PATTY You're welcome!

EXT. EXODUS PLAZA - DAY

Carrying a boom box, Craig, and Harry walk from the front of Kwan Stop over to GST Video.

Craig sets down the the boom box, and presses play. A heavy metal song comes out from the speakers.

Craig and Harry head bang, and dance to the music. Then the music stops playing as the tape reaches the end.

Harry wipes some sweat from his brow, and goes "whew." He and Craig lean against the wall to relax.

Harry takes out a chocolate bar, unwraps it, and takes a bite. He eats it, then chats to Craig.

HARRY I have a question for you, Craig. If you could be a superhero, which super hero would you be?

CRAIG

Batman.

HARRY What? Batman sucks.

CRAIG

Says who?

HARRY The guy's a doofus.

CRAIG Those are fightin’ words, Harry!

22.

HARRY No. Listen, okay? Batman fights all these villains. They're crazy psychopaths who kill dozens, if not hundreds of people each year. Yet, Batman don't even have the brains to use a gun to fight them.

CRAIG He can't. He was traumatized as a kid. His parents were shot to death.

HARRY Yah, and guess what? If he had his own gun at the time it would’ve never happened. The problem here is not enough guns. I mean, these bad guys are slaughtering innocent people, left and right, and Batman could easily stop it all with an M16. But he's too fucking fragile for that, right? Well, if you're so fragile that you can't come to your senses, and use a gun, maybe you shouldn't be crime fighting. Maybe you should give all your money to the Punisher, and let him do a proper job. The Punisher, now that's a real super hero.

CRAIG The Punisher is an immoral P-O-S.

HARRY And, unlike Batman, he gets the job done. He kills those fucken criminals and then they never come back to do anymore harm. Also, I should point out that the Punisher's family was also murdered with guns. But did Frank Castle shit himself, and swear them off? No, because he's not a pussy that dresses up like a flying rat.

CRAIG I don't care. I don't like the Punisher. Batman is way cooler.

HARRY Batman is a dumbass! Remember the Dark Knight movie? There was that

scene when the police were facing

(MORE)

23.

HARRY (CONT'D)

Bane's army. So, Batman visits them with basically a fighter jet, and what does he do? He shoots out the tanks, and then skips off. Why wouldn't you use it on the bad guys? Batman basically let hundreds of innocent police officers die because of his emotional issues. What a putz.

CRAIG Batman's not a putz. Stop calling him names. He's a man of science.

HARRY Let me tell you something. If the Punisher had Batman-level money, there wouldn't be a need for other superheroes. The Punisher would kill all of the bad guys, and there would be no more Joker, no Lex Luthor, no Magneto, no nothing. They'd all be 6 feet under.

CRAIG But what if killing them creates more super villains?

HARRY

How?

CRAIG I dunno. Their kids will want revenge.

HARRY None of these people have any kids, and if they did the Punisher would kill them too. Not because he's bad, but to spare them the grief of having no parents. I saw Harry Potter, y’know. Dead parents, not a good thing.

INT. KWAN STOP - DAY

Chang is at the counter arranging some items when Kwan comes through the front door. His belly looks huge. Groaning he waddles ahead.

CHANG Cousin Kwan? Are you okay?

24.

KWAN

I just came back from the buffet. I think I ate too much.

CHANG How much did you eat?

 

KWAN

37

ducks.

CHANG

37

ducks?! Holy donkey balls!

KWAN

I

wanted to get value for my money.

CHANG Well, was it worth it? Now you're sick. But of course eating 37 ducks will make you sick. You probably have duckitis.

KWAN Please. Don't remind me.

Kwan's belly rumbles.

KWAN (CONT’D) Oh, God, I have to throw up.

Kwan runs out of the store. Chang follows him up to the door, where he sticks his head outside.

CHANG Hey! Try not to eat any ducks on your way through the parking lot!

We hear a barfing sound, then Chang goes back inside the store, and gets a broom, and starts sweeping the floor.

As he is doing so HECTOR Lee, a man dressed in a suit, comes in. Hector Lee is the person to whom Chang owes money. Hector is looking for revenge, and is carrying a chain gun.

He clears his throat to get Chang's attention. Chang turns his way.

CHANG (CONT’D) (surprised) Oh, crap.

25.

HECTOR Hello, Mister Wang. Remember me? I think you owe me some money. Lots of money actually.

CHANG I'm sorry. I don't have the money. But you're the CEO of a successful financial institution. Can't you just get a bailout from the Government? Or how about you just do the usual, and outright rip people off? Hmm? How about that?

HECTOR No, that's unethical. I want my money from you, and if you don't have it, then I'm going to kill you, and your family with my brand new chain gun.

CHANG Alright, you can kill me, but you can't harm my family. Because They're not with me. I left them behind.

HECTOR (whiny) But I wanna kill your family.

CHANG Too bad. They're not here.

Fine

!

HECTOR

Let's go.

EXT. EXODUS PLAZA - DAY

Hector, and Chang, being help captive, come out of Kwan Stop. They start walking ahead.

HARRY (O.S.) Hey, dad! Who's you friend? Come up here, and play hockey with us!

Chang and Hector stop. They look up. Harry is atop Kwan Stop, with Mindy, Emily, and Craig. They are dressed in hockey gear, and there is a net set up.

Harry waves.

26.

CHANG Uhhh,I don't know who you are. I'm not your dad, you, uh, confused, little, fat boy.

EMILY Dad, you are a silly Billy.

CHANG I'm not a silly Billy, and who are you again?

MINDY Do you have amnesia? It's us! Your family!

CRAIG Yeah, don't you recognize your wife, your son, and your daughter?

CHANG No! I don't know you people! Quit talking to me!

CRAIG Aaah, stop kidding around, Chang. You know us! We know you! We know each other! We're familia!

Chang shakes his head.

Hector then points his chain gun at Harry, Mindy, Emily, and Craig.

HECTOR I think you all better come down from the roof.

Harry, Mindy, Emily, and Craig look at each other like:

"What's going on?"

EXT. FRONT STREET - DAY

Chang, Mindy, Harry, Emily, and Craig are all bundled together, tied up with rope, standing on top of a large, red, letter X.

In front of them is Canada's famous CN Tower, and beside that two giant, mechanical, lumberjacks, holding a long saw that is shared between them both.

27.

HECTOR (O.S.) Alright, you guys ready? It's gonna be a little messy.

We see Hector in the not too far distance with an iPad.

HECTOR (CONT’D) And, yes! I realize this is over the top, but to be honest, I'm a fanciful person.

On the screen of Hector’s iPad there's an app for controlling the giant lumberjacks next to the CN Tower.

CHANG I don't get it. What's the point of killing me? Now you'll have no chance whatsoever of getting your money back.

HECTOR Mr Wang, I'm not doing this just for money. I also have something called blood lust, an immoral craving to see innocent people hurt. But of course, I'm a finance guy. We all have the same philosophy.

CHANG "Profits before people"?

HECTOR No. "Fuck everybody." That's our philosophy. "Fuck everybody in their stupid asses!"

MINDY You're kidding.

HECTOR No, I’m not kidding. Now, please. Do me a favor, and shut the fuck. I need to concentrate.

Hector grins, and places his finger on his iPad. Using his special app, he motions side to side. Corresponding to these gestures the giant lumberjacks nearby start sawing into the CN Tower, just below its head.

Meanwhile, the Wang family, terrified, and sweating, can only look up at this perilous situation.

Harry looks to Chang.

28.

HARRY

Dad

CHANG Yes, my son?

HARRY Don't take this the wrong way, but I kind of hate you right now.

EMILY You're always getting us into trouble.

CRAIG Yeah, Chang, you fucking idiot.

CHANG Stop blaming this on me.

?

Chang points to Hector, using his head.

CHANG (CONT’D) He's the real psychopath here, and guess what, I don't plan on these things happening. I'm a victim too!

MINDY Guys, relax. Things may look bad now, but I'm sure everything will work out in the end.

EMILY Based on what?

MINDY Based on, uhhh -- stop your backchatting, Emily!

We see the lumberjacks. They are almost all the way through the CN Tower with their saw.

HARRY Oh, I can't believe this. I'm gonna die a virgin.

CRAIG Heh, really?

HARRY What? No, I was just kidding. I've, uh, had lots of sex. I've banged over 400 women, and one man -- out of curiosity.

29.

Craig rolls his eyes, and then from the ether, suddenly, the MMA fighter named GEORGE S appears.

Hands on his hips, he looks something like Superman. But he is simply a French Canadian man, with a good, athletic build.

GEORGE S (to Harry) You there! Stop your blatant lying! And don't worry, you will not die a virgin -- today. Because good ol’ George is here to rescue you!

George S does a bunch of gymnastic-style flips, and gets to where Hector is.

Hector looks up from his iPad, confused, and scared. George S narrows his eyes at him, and goes on to kick him in the side of the head.

But not a regular kick, a kick with multiple strikes at a time. Imagine a foot bouncing back and forth, like a spring when you pull on its top, and let it go.

Following this, quickly, George S does a spinning hook kick, and, connects with Hector's chin.

Hector falls to the ground, and goes unconscious.

The next moment everyone looks to the CN Tower. The lumberjacks have halted their sawing.

GEORGE S (CONT’D) (to the Wangs) Well now! Congratulations, you have all survived the harsh landscape that is Canada!

George S goes to the Wangs, and does a karate chop on the rope, and slices through it.

Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig are now free.

GEORGE S (CONT’D) Enjoy your freedom!

HARRY Thank you, George. I owe you one.

GEORGE S Think nothing of it! George is always here to help his fans!

30.

George S gives a thumbs up, then he runs to a jet pack on the ground, straps it on his back, and flies up into the sky.

GEORGE S (CONT’D) Up, up, and away!

The Wangs watch as George S disappears.

CRAIG

WOW!

EMILY What a weird guy.

HARRY That weird guy saved our lives.

CHANG And now we can have some fun!

MINDY Fun? What kind of fun?

CUT TO:

Now Hector is lying on the big, red X.

The Wangs in the distance are watching. While Chang has a hold of Hector's iPad, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig look on.

Chang swipes his finger on the iPad, controlling the lumberjacks by the CN Tower.

The lumberjacks go back, and forth, and then soon cut off the top of the building.

The top of the building falls down, needle first, and crashes into Hector, totally obliterating him, and sending out a huge cloud of dust, which propagates, and fills the air like some sort of smoke bomb.

In the blackness, we hear coughing, but soon the dust settles, and everything clears.

The wreckage is shown, but the Wangs, in the midst of this, look none too perturbed.

Harry especially seems rather pleased.

31.

HARRY

Guys, I take back everything bad I

said about this country FUCKING ROCKS!

CANADA

Harry motions his hands, and pretends like he's shredding an electric guitar. He then jumps, and kicks the air. Freeze frame, and --

THE END