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Mockroach (S2E3)
Written by
12/7/2015
FREDERICK FLEET
Iceberg! Dead ahead!
MINDY
Oh, I'm not kind. I just really
hate the movie Titanic.
FREDERICK FLEET
...How's that?
Mindy takes out the Titanic movie Bluray case. The cover
changes from Titanic to Costa Concordia.
MINDY
Wow. I think James Cameron has a
thing for sinking ships. What a
jerk!
HITLER
So, it's agreed: NO JEWS!
HITLER (CONTD)
Next up, we must discuss our logo.
Do you think the Buddhists will
mind that we borrowed their symbol?
I have a feeling they won't be
angry, but we need to find out if
they're cool about it. Right?
As the Nazis nod again the doors to the conference room burst
open.
CHANG
Heil this, mother fucker!
The Wangs stop shooting, and walk over to Hitler's dead body.
CRAIG
He died as he lived -- like a
jackass.
HARRY
He was the Kanye West of dictators.
MINDY
Stop that, please. You're getting
blood everywhere.
EMILY
Stand back, everyone! I'm going to
collect a souvenir!
EMILY (CONTD)
This is gonna be worth so much
money.
4.
CHANG
You know that since we killed
Hitler, and therefore prevented the
animosity of World War 2, the skull
of the Fhrer isn't going to have
the market value that we once
enjoyed. It's basically just the
head of an old timey German
politician.
EMILY
Aw, man.
EMILY (CONTD)
Here. You keep it.
CHANG
Aw, thanks, Emily. I think I'll
keep it in on my nightstand as a
reminder of your love.
MINDY
You're not keeping that on your
nightstand.
CHANG
Well, I'm at least going to play
some football with it. You can't
stop me. You can't stop HITLER
SOCCER!
MINDY
Um...
Chang takes Hitlers head, and kicks it like a ball. It goes
sailing through the air, and then the open doors of the
conference room.
CHANG
Gooooooal!
MARKY MARK
Hey, Asia face! Stay out of
America! This is my country, not
yours!
JOHNNY
Ummm... Sorry?
MARKY MARK
(fronting)
Yeee! Wut! You like being punched
in the face?! You yellow bastard!
MINDY (O.S.)
Fuck you, Marky Mark!
Marky Mark turns his head, and then he's swarmed by Chang,
Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig. They push him onto the
ground, and go to town, beating him like there's no tomorrow.
CHANG
If you're wondering what's going
on, we're beating up a teenaged
Mark Wahlberg. That's right, the
one time singer, and movie star.
You see, in his youth Mark Wahlberg
was really racist, and he'd
physically and verbally attack
African Americans, and Asians. So,
this ass kicking here is well
deserved. Now, if you'll excuse
me...
CHANG
Alright, Chang. Relax. Calm down.
Mindy, Craig, and Emily, and Harry,
are on their own. If they can do it
so can you. Just stay focused, and
keep your shit cool.
Now four terrorists in their seats stand, and fan out into
the aisles. They take out huge, shining knives.
MUHAMMAD
LISTEN, EVERYONE! This is a
hijacking! No one move, and listen
to what we say, and you won't die!
CHANG
You liar! You're full of shit!
You're going to steer this airplane
right into the World Trade Centers!
Maaan, you guys are fucking
scumbags. Actually, you're worse
than scumbags. I'd rather hang out
with scumbags than you guys.
Scumbags are much better --
comparatively speaking.
MUHAMMAD
Chinaman, you must have a death
wish.
CHANG
Hey, I have a suggestion. Why don't
you s-s-s-suck my dick?
MUHAMMAD
Infidel!
CHANG
Yah! In your face, terrorist cunts!
Also, I'm not a Chinaman. I'm from
Taiwan. Similar, but not exactly
the same.
CHANG (CONTD)
I have no compunction about peeing
on terrorists. I mean, why should
I?
RANDOM PASSENGER
Hey, uhhh, thanks for saving us.
CHANG
Oh, no problem. I don't mind
killing bad people. Why, the other
day, I killed Adolf Hitler.
RANDOM PASSENGER
You killed Adolf Hitler?
CHANG
(proud)
Yup! That's right!
RANDOM PASSENGER
Who's Adolf Hitler?
Chang's face is in disbelief. How can you not know Hitler?!
he thinks.
MINDY
Ah, what a lovely day it is.
CRAIG
It don't get any better than this.
8.
EMILY
To be honest, I'm tired. All these
time traveling adventures have
burnt me out.
HARRY
Am glad it's over too, but I think
it was all worth the effort. Now we
get to live in a brand new world,
without 9/11, Neo Nazis, the
Titanic movie, and Mark Wahlberg.
He's still around, but he's a
cripple that works as a greeter at
Wal-Mart.
CRAIG
Oh, and Lincoln, not having been
assassinated, led a war to conquer
Canada. What a guy!
CHANG
(relaxed, drinking)
Remember when you guys told me,
Ooh, dad, don't interfere with
time! It's dangerous! ? But look
at what it's brought us -- peace,
quiet, and we've saved millions of
lives. There hasn't been a single
negative repercussion. Because I
see time travel as a tool. It can
be used for good, or bad. As long
as you use it for good, good things
will happen.
MINDY
Hear, hear!
Chang and Mindy tap their wine coolers together, and each
have a sip of their drinks.
CHANG
Aaah, that's good wine cooler.
EMILY
Oh, look. A cute, lil butterfly.
CHANG
Is that what I think it is?!
MINDY
Well, uh, it's a butterfly.
CHANG
I hate butterflies!
CRAIG
Wait. Are you afraid of
butterflies?
CHANG
N-no, Craig, I'm just precautious.
HARRY
You're shitting your pants, aren't
you?
Emily puts out her hand; the butterfly lands atop it.
EMILY
Oooh, he's a friendly one, isn't
he?
CHANG
Aaaaaaagh! No! Get away from me!
MINDY
Omigoodness...
Another butterfly comes out from the sky, and lands next to
the squashed butterfly. The BUTTERFLY QUEEN as she is called
begins weeping loudly beside the corpse of her husband.
BUTTERFLY QUEEN
Oh, no! Joseph! My dear husband,
Joseph! You were too beautiful for
this world!
MINDY
Is that a talking butterfly?
BUTTERFLY QUEEN
You son of a bitch! You, you, you
piece of shit! I will get my
revenge on you, I swear it!
CHANG
And what are you going to do? Flap
your colorful wings on my face?
BUTTERFLY QUEEN
I am the Butterfly Queen, and ruler
of insects! I will gather an army
to destroy you, and all your kind!
CHANG
Don't you think you're overreacting
a little?
BUTTERFLY QUEEN
Humans are a plague. They are an
insidious disease that must be
destroyed.
CHANG
We certainly are not.
BUTTERFLY QUEEN
You think I am ignorant, sir? I
know that you humans guiltlessly
eat animals, and abort babies! But
all life is precious, and what is
to be said about those who take no
hesitation in destroying the
innocent, and defenseless? Face it!
You are all nothing but evil! Human-
beings are living garbage!
CHANG
Okay, I think that a lot of human-
beings are living garbage, and I
guess from an outsiders
perspective they can be considered
a type of plague, but remember,
uhhh... We invented the iPhone!
BUTTERFLY QUEEN
How is that remotely relevant to my
statement? I can't even use an
iPhone. Idiot.
11.
CHANG
Look, will you get off my back?
It's very difficult to justify the
existence of people to someone
thats not a person, alright? Yah,
people are terrible. That's the
bottom line -- but being terrible
yourself is not going to solve the
problem.
BUTTERFLY QUEEN
Hmmm... Do you like cockroaches?
Specifically, giant cockroaches?
CHANG
No. Why would I like cockroaches?
Specifically, giant cockroaches?
Giant cockroaches, that sounds
disgusting.
BUTTERFLY QUEEN
Then that is what you shall get,
vile human! Good day to you!
EMILY
Wow. What a judgmental bitch.
HARRY
But the butterfly had a few good
points.
12.
EMILY
Oh yeah, I'm not denying that. Life
is definitely precious. As a
society we have to remember that.
Everyone matters.
A man called CHARITY GUY, from the Help the World charity,
goes up to Emily holding a box for collecting money.
CHARITY GUY
Hello, I couldn't help but overhear
your conversation. Would you like
to donate to the Help the World
fund? We go around helping to
preserve, and save lives through
grassroots politics, affecting
change in the legal system. We
especially protect babies, and
animals. The most vulnerable of us
all.
EMILY
Hmm, no, sorry. I'm saving up to
buy something I dont really need.
CHARITY GUY
But what about the babies, and the
animals? I thought you were a good
person.
EMILY
Well, it seems the thing about
people is they pretend that they're
good, when they're really not. I
think they call this virtue
signaling.
MINDY
I have some money for your charity.
Charity Guy holds out his box, and Mindy puts in some money.
Charity Guy grins.
CHARITY GUY
Thank you so much for your
donation... But you just got
scammed, sucker! There's no such
thing as the Help the World
fund! I made it up! Wah-ha-ha!
CRAIG
Should I go after him?
MINDY
Nah. I gave him Canadian money.
It's pretty much worthless.
CHANG
Ah, I'm so tired. Glad to be home.
Chang takes out his keys, and inserts one into the lock. He
turns it, and grasping the doorknob tries to push open the
door. But it won't go. It's locked.
CHANG (CONTD)
What the hell is going on? Why
isn't it opening?
HARRY
Try another key.
CHANG
I'm not trying another key. I know
that this is the key.
CRAIG
Let me handle this.
Craig kicks down the door. He and the rest of the Wangs then
walk in.
Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig enter their home. Chang
squints, looking about suspiciously.
CHANG
Hmm, something about this place
seems off. Harry, go check it out.
At the back of the main couch, Harry stops, and sniffs the
air.
HARRY
It smells funny in here.
Harry following his nose, looks over the couch, and sees a
giant cockroach man named CHAZ, some six feet tall, having a
nap.
HARRY (CONTD)
Holy crap!
EMILY
What is it?
HARRY
The, the, the couch...!
MINDY
Oh no, that butterfly wasn't
joking.
CRAIG
You want me to squash it?
CHANG
I don't think this is the type of
bug you can squash.
EMILY
Then we stab it.
MINDY
Wait, don't -
Emily takes out a knife, and plunges it into the chest of the
giant cockroach man named Chaz.
Chaz opens his eyes, and screams. From his wound green blood
gushes.
The Wangs are taken aback. Chaz flips off the couch, and
stands up, and runs around screaming like a maniac, oozing,
spraying green blood everywhere.
15.
MINDY
Aw, this is gonna be a pain in the
ass to clean up.
CHANG
Don't you know any magic cleaning
spells?
MINDY
I do, but it involves sacrificing a
small child. It's not worth it...
At least that's what I keep telling
myself.
Finally, Chaz expels all of his blood, and drops dead. His
body goes to the floor with a thud!
CHANG
Alright, who's gonna help me carry
this outside?
EMILY
Man, that thing stinks like shit on
a stick - a stick that's made out
of shit.
CRAIG
Should we say a few words before
burying the giant cockroach?
CHANG
Nah, we'll just be wasting precious
time.
16.
She gasps, seeing what she sees, and sinks down to hide. She
takes our her cellphone, and dials 9-1-1. Her call is
received.
MISSUS COCK
(on phone)
Hello? 9-1-1? I think my neighbor's
been m-m-murdered! Also, someone
wrote a mean comment about me on
the internet. Is that considered a
hate crime?
(the 9-1-1 op hangs up)
Hello? HELLO?
Chang throws one last spot of dirt atop the grave, and the
body of Chaz is now fully buried.
CHANG
And that is that.
JAK (OS)
(through megaphone)
Turn around slowly, and don't make
any sudden movements!
JAK (CONTD)
Put down the shovels.
Chang pulls his face away from the window. He leans his back
against a wall, and lowers his head, with a sigh of
resignation.
CHANG
Where the hell did they take my
family? Oh, god. This is all my
fault.
We then hear the voice of BEARDED CHANG, the Chang Wang of
this particular cockroach infested world.
Chang lifts his head, and sees Bearded Chang. Together, not
including the police, they are the only ones here.
Bearded Chang looks like Chang, but a lot older, and with a
big, bushy beard.
CHANG
Who the hell are you? And how did
you get in here?
18.
BEARDED CHANG
Chang Wang, I am you -- from
another time. I've come here to
help you. I know there is a way to
end all this, and restore mankind's
rightful place at the top of the
food chain.
CHANG
Wait. We're not at the top of the
food chain anymore?
BEARDED CHANG
Since the cockroaches took over,
humans have basically become
animals. We are used for labor, and
food, much like horses living in
Europe.
CHANG
Oh, Jesus.
BEARDED CHANG
You have to end this, Chang! If you
don't Mindy, Emily, Harry, and
Craig will be on a dinner plate!
CHANG
Even Craig?
BEARDED CHANG
They already recycled him, and used
his metal to make designer forks.
Bearded Chang shows Chang a fancy fork.
CHANG
My god! So, what's your solution to
solve all this?
BEARDED CHANG
One sec...
CHANG
Then why are you even here?
BEARDED CHANG
Listen, Chang. My head's going to
explode soon to avoid a time
paradox. All I have for you is a
map, and a portable, high
powered, laser cutter. Are you
going to take it?
CHANG
Of course.
Bearded Chang drops his cigar, and snuffs it out with his
heel. He then goes into his pocket, and takes out a folded
map, and a portable (hand held) laser cutter. He hands them
both to Chang.
BEARDED CHANG
You need to head to the slaughter
house. That's where my...your
family is.
CHANG
Alright, and what else --
Calmly, Chang puts away his map, and laser cutter. He takes
out a handkerchief from his pocket, and wipes the blood off
his face.
CHANG (CONTD)
Finally, he's gone. Now I can let
out that huge fart I was holding
in.
Chang sticks out his ass, and lets out a huge fart. The fart
goes up his nostrils.
CHANG (CONTD)
Oh, God! That's way stronger than I
anticipated!
Chang waves his hand, trying to get the fart away, but he
can't, and he passes out, falling to the floor.
20.
Jak and Mak, driving in the front of the paddy wagon, start
smelling Changs fart, too.
MAK
What's that smell? Oh, sweet Lord
of Mercy it's overwhelming!
JAK
I can't control the car anymore,
I'm, I'm going to pass out - !
At the end of the street, the police paddy loses control, and
crashes into a street lamp. Upon coming to a stop, the doors
at the very back pop open.
To one side are square cages stacked upon each other like
boxes, and beyond is a an operating tower, where a giant
cockroach named KELVIN controls a clawed grabbing device that
takes individual cages, and drops them into a meat processing
system.
And then it's over. At the end of this brutal device out
comes packaged cuts of meat, and they drop into the wheeled
bucket.
Harry's eyes are wide open. Trapped in his cage, he's bugging
out from this horror scene. Then as fate would have it the
claw grabs his very cage.
The cage begins lifting, and starts moving towards the chute.
HARRY
Dad!
CHANG
Stand back.
Chang laser-cuts off the lock. He pulls open the door.
CHANG (CONTD)
Harry. Where's everyone else?
HARRY
I don't know where Emily or mom is,
but I know Craig was made into
flatware.
CHANG
May he rest in piece.
HARRY
It's sad, but we'll always have our
memories of him.
22.
HARRY (CONTD)
So, you can rebuild him, right?
CHANG
Does a monkey throw shit at people
when their mouths are open?
CHANG (CONTD)
The answer is yes.
Chang and Harry come out through the doors of the slaughter
house.
HARRY CHANG
Mom! Mindy!
MINDY
Chang! Harry!
Harry and Chang run after it, but obviously cannot keep up.
They stop to catch a breath, and watch it steadily getting
away.
CHANG
Aw, shiiit!
HARRY
Hey, whats that nasty smell?
HARRY (CONTD)
Hey! Lookit that!
Chang looks.
23.
HARRY (CONTD)
Maybe we can ask to use his ATV?
CHANG
That's a good idea!
The giant cockroach is knocked clean off his ATV, and then
Chang takes his place, and gestures Harry to follow.
CHANG (CONTD)
Jum' on!
Harry gets on the back of the ATV, behind Chang, and together
they speed off.
But Chang and Harry, chasing in their ATV, catch up, and they
get to the side of the truck, where the front right door is.
CHANG
Okay, Harry, prepare yourself.
HARRY
For what?
Chang leaps off the ATV, and grabs onto the truck.
The ATV starts drifting back. Harry quickly scoots up front,
and takes control, and now driving follows from behind.
PATTY
Hey, what are you --
Patty then takes out a gun, with his right arm, and points it
at Chang.
Chang lunges forward, and grasps the gun with two hands
(leaving his hands out of harms way), and redirects it off
to the side.
Chang, and Patty struggle for the gun, each trying to point
it the other way.
CHANG
Let go of the gun!
PATTY
No, you let go of the gun! You son
of a bitch!
CHANG
Wait a minute.
PATTY
Wait a minute?
Chang stretches out his neck, and looks through the nearby
door window, as if he sees something outside.
CHANG
Omigoodness. Is that Cockroach
Jennifer Lawrence?
PATTY
Cockroach Jennifer Lawrence?
Where?!
Patty turns his head to see Cockroach Jennifer Lawrence, but
there's nothing there, and then Chang uses this opportunity
to over power his foe. He turns the gun on Patty in a snappy
manner so as to pull the trigger.
CHANG
Damn, no more bullets. BAH, hes
already dead. Why am I trying to
shoot him again?
Chang tosses the gun on the floor, and then he opens the
door, and shoves Pattys corpse out onto the road.
25.
Now Chang takes the seat behind the wheel of the truck, and
drives. He looks ahead, and with eyes wide spots a gorilla,
and its babies walking in his path.
MINDY (O.S.)
Chang? Are you there? Im still
alive but Im trapped! I used an
incantation to protect us!
Chang gets up. He goes to the back, and finds Mindy still in
her cage.
MINDY (CONTD)
Chang!
Chang takes out his laser cutter, and cuts the lock off
Mindy's cage.
He opens the cage, and Mindy comes out, and hugs him.
MINDY (CONTD)
I missed you.
CHANG
I missed you, too.
CHANG
There's no time for chit chat. We
have to find Emily.
MINDY
I know where she is.
Chang, Mindy, and Harry arrive at the Ivory tower. They stop,
and look up.
26.
MINDY
This is it.
Mindy grasps the knob of the door in front, and turns it.
Chang, Mindy, and Harry come into the Ivory Tower. The door
closes behind them automatically.
KNIGHT
To rescue your daughter, and your
people, you must destroy the
Butterfly Queen. Choose a weapon to
wield. But choose wisely - or
don't, I don't really care. Im
apathetic. They say its the
opposite of love.
CHANG
(to Mindy)
What do we do?
MINDY
My gut tells me we should go for
it.
MINDY (CONTD)
Are you serious?
CHANG
It's like Indian Jones, okay? We
have to pick the one that looks the
least appealing. Sure, the
flamethrower look cool, but I'm not
going for cool, okay?
MINDY
I'm way too tired to argue.
CHANG
Then let's do this!
27.
The marble door at the end of the room slides open. Chang,
Mindy, and Harry go through, into a spiraling stairwell.
With his bagpipes, Chang, Mindy, and Harry make their way
upstairs.
They get all the way to the top, and come upon another door.
CHANG
There's Emily...and the Butterfly
Queen! Come on! We have to get that
cunt before she flies away!
MINDY
Wait!
Chang pauses.
MINDY (CONTD)
Don't we need a plan?
HARRY
We plan to kick ass!
CHANG
Attaboy!
CHANG
(to the Butterfly Queen)
Wake up, you piece of shit!
28.
The Butterfly Queen wakes up, and opens her eyes, and sees
the Wangs.
BUTTERFLY QUEEN
Huh?
CHANG
It's time for you to die!
HARRY
Yay! We did it!
MINDY
We killed the Butterfly Queen!
But then the real Butterfly Queen, the GIANT BUTTERFLY QUEEN,
appears. Flapping her wings she touches down. She is
enormous. At least 50 feet tall.
HARRY
Say what?
CHANG
Darn. Well, it doesn't matter --
well kill you, too!
CHANG
Okay, I think I need to try PLAN B.
29.
MINDY
Ah, what a lovely day it is.
FUTURE CHANG
Don't mess with the time travel,
dumbass!
CHANG
W-what hit me?
EMILY
You hit you.
CHANG
Damn... I'm good.
MINDY
Honey, you got some mail. You want
me to read it to you?
Chang glares.
CHANG
Do I have a choice?
MINDY
I'll take that as a yes.
MINDY (CONTD)
(reading)
Dear Chang, sorry about beating the
shit out of you, but it prevented
the world from being taken over by
giant cockroaches. Also, to
compensate you for your troubles
I've included winning lottery
numbers at the bottom of this
letter. What will you do with the
prize money when you get better? I
think I know. Sincerely, Chang
Wang.
Chang's eyebrows rise.
8 months later...
CHANG
I look like a pimp!
31.
RANDOM STRANGER
Ha! Yah! You do look like a pimp!
CHANG
Shut your mouth, bitch!
FREEZE FRAME
CHANG (V.O.)
And this is how I got sued, and
lost all the money I gained from
the lottery. Life lesson, kids:
Violence against innocent people is
bad! You hear me, terrorists? Stop
being pieces of shit! Fuck you!
Lick my sack! Lick my salty nut
sack! SAVOR THE FLAVOR!
CUT TO:
The slogan below reads: Chang's Nut Sack, Savor the Flavor!
SPEAKER (V.O.)
Chang's Nut Sack! Now available at
Wal-Mart, Target, Tesco, Safeway,
Zellers, Future Shop, and other
fine retailers! Pick yours up
today! Chang's Nut Sack, Savor the
Flavor!
THE END