InsideThisIssue A Note on Censorship and Your

John Alanis Rights

Projecting the future: it is, in a sense, a
paradox. When people make decisions
about long term relationships, they do so
based on a short-lived transient feeling
that obscures real character traits. Yet
when that feeling inevitably wears off,
and those character traits are revealed,
what was thought to last forever is
destroyed. If you want to have a lasting
relationship, you must learn to
dispassionately project the future based
on observable character traits, then make
your decision based on harsh reality. It
is the only way to have a lasting
relationship.
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Dear Friend and Subscriber,

Many years ago I met a girl. Not just any girl but a stunningly beautiful redhead. We spent three days
together that were pure magic, the stuff movies are made of. But she was from Seattle, and I was from Austin,
so when the three days were up, we both went our separate ways. We stayed in touch and met up again, this
time in Austin, and the magic was definitely still there. So, what did I do?

If I was like most men I would have done what society tells men to do when you feel a powerful
feeling: I would have married her. And like most men, I would have gotten stuck in a relationship gone
wrong, leading towards nasty divorce. But even back then I wasnt like most men. Not only did I know what
I wanted, more than anything I also knew what I didnt want, and had developed the skill of projecting the
future.

There is no doubt this girl and I had a lot of fun in the moment. However, moments pass, and when
you try to make moments day in and day out life, things change. Enjoying a womans company for three days
is a heck of a lot different than when youve commingled finances only to discover shes a spender and youre
a saverand shes spending YOUR money you meant to save. Suddenly the moment passes.

From the moment I meet a woman, I make it a point to start dispassionately looking at her personality
traits, so I can find out where she fits. Some women, like this one, are great for fun in the moment, but have
traits that lead to long term disaster. Some women have traits that can lead to a lasting relationship. Some
women have traits that make them long time friends, but lousy in a committed relationship. The trick is to see
through the feelings in the moment so you can project the future.

When I say there was chemistry with this woman, that is an all time understatement. It was fire, pure
and simple, and we couldnt let go of each other. It was intense, and it seemed liked it would last forever.
However, I have never trusted such an intense feeling as a decision making guide, especially after seeing what
happened to my friends who used it as such. Thirteen years have passed since I met that girl, and Ive seen
what happened to my friends who made the decision I took a pass on. Now they wished theyd taken a pass
too.

What was it about this woman that set off alarm bells? First off, she was stubborn. She had a view of
the way the world should be, and she tried to stuff everyone into that view. If they didnt fit, she got upset,
claiming there was something wrong with them. She never tried to do it with me, but I had I crossed over into
relationship, she most certainly would have.
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 Secondly, she had a temper. She was very passionate, which is a good quality in the moment, but in
her case, passion came with temper. I listened to her talk to and about her idiot ex-husband (and he WAS an
idiot, make no bones about it), and watched her get upset and animated when calm and collected was better.
Her temper was directed against colleagues, and exs, and I knew that soon enough, itd be directed against
me. Funny thing was, she should have been able to control it: she was a school psychologist with a masters
degree in psychology. Must
have been out in the hall when Doers Membership Benefits
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guy she loved him but I saw who must first have successfully ascended to level three.
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have been a bad idea.

For whatever reason, she wanted to prove to her Mother that she could have a relationship, which is,
of course, the wrong reason to have a relationship. She tried to force things, then when they didnt fit into her
view of the world, she created drama and havoc. The fourth thing I noticed about her was that she held a
grudge. She had bad relationships with all her exs, and when she broke up with a boyfriend, she did her best
to scorch him, to get even with him. I noticed this pattern from stories she would tell about ex boyfriends.
It was a pretty scary pattern that emerged, and while I had very intense feelings for her in the moment, I took a
pass. Then a funny thing happened.

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 The guy she was convinced was the one for her lost his job, and didnt seem to care. One thing I
knew about this girl was she liked a man with money and a high paying job. I have no issue with this by the
wayId hate to date a woman who settled for a man broke in mind and wallet. For example, this guy spent a
whole day at a junkyard looking for a part for her car, instead of calling someone to get it fixed asap. He
wanted to save money, and that immediately told me his mindset: he placed little value on his time, preferring
to waste 8 hours rummaging around in a junkyard, than using that time to make money. There was no hope
for their relationship.

But, she wanted to force things, so she moved to Seattle (she actually lived in a small town outside of
Seattle) to be with the one. Well, the one was broke off his ass, and wasnt especially concerned with
getting another job. Then his 16 year old pot-smoking kid came to live with them. Then his ex-wife did (the
kids was from another woman). And, to be charitable, they werent exactly living on an estate with a butler
and servants. They were living in a small apartment where things were cramped. Her daughter lived with
them too. This, as you might imagine, was an untenable situation, and exploded in a big way when he started
writing songs about his ex-wife in between delivering pizzas (he was a former musician). That was the final
straw, and she ended it in a big, nasty way, just as I predicted.

When it was done, she called me up, and admitted I was right about everything. Duh. You didnt have
to be a wizard to see that one coming. Then she called him every name in the book, proclaiming him to be a
loser. I could only laugh at this, since 18 months prior he was the greatest man ever to walk the face of the
earth. But as I was laughing, I thought to myself, that could have been me.

Heres the funny thing that happened. I met up with her again, two years from the day wed first met.
And you know what? I had no feelings left for her whatsoever. None. It was the weirdest thing, looking at
her, and remembering there were feelings there at one time, but not feeling them. It was like looking through
an old black and white photo album, with dim memories returning, and faint feelings attached to each one, but
only faint. The original feelings were long gone. In the moment I thought theyd last forever, but then the
moment passed and so did the feelings. That was one of the best lessons I ever learned, and I learned it
without suffering through a relationship with herthe one did that for me. Outsourcing pain turned out to
be a good thing.

I kept in touch with her throughout the years, even saw her again 3 years later, but there was nothing
there. Shed gained a lot of weight, going from 116 pounds to about 170 pounds in five years, from hot to
frightful. When I saw her at that weight, I thought to myself, wow, had I married her, I would have been
stuck with a fat, stubborn, vindictive wife who holds grudgesheading straight for divorce court. The
woman I had strong feelings for existed for a mere few days, an image caught in time, never to be returned to.
Seeing her like that reinforced my decision and gave me a glimpse into an alternate future. Had I done what
social narrative says to do, Id have gotten the results of most men, suffering through a miserable relationship
with a wife whod been hot at one time, a fox who became a pig.

Albert Einstein, strangely, summed it up best. While hes best known for the Theory of Relativity and
E=MC2, Einstein actually had some pretty astute thoughts and observations on women (he wound up with a
pig of a wife himself). Heres his face quote: women hope men change, and men hope women never do.
Both are inevitably disappointed. To me, this observation is as important as the theory of relativity.
Unfortunately, few men give it heed, buying into the social narrative that strong feelings last forever and the
woman you marry now will never change. Both, obviously, are wrong.

Interestingly, I still stay in contact with this woman. Shes been a good friend to me, and weve done
well as friends once I saw that was the proper context for her. Since Ive known her, shes had three official
husbands, and one unofficial one. The unofficial one was the guy I call the one and hes unofficial because,
well, she wasnt legally divorced from her first husband when she met him. The fourth husband looks like he
-3-
will stick because it was something that developed naturally over time, and he met her when she was already
overweight. Some guys like that, I dont. He wont be disappointed in her appearance because she will stay
fat. It is a good match, and reality has re-shaped her belief about relationships to an extent. But observing her
from afar, going through husband after husband (she hates all her ex-husbands, blaming them for her troubles)
and watching her pack on the pounds has been a valuable lesson for me.

The lesson is this: dont make life altering decisions based on feelings in the moment, no matter how
strong the pull. Those feelings will pass, and as Albert Einstein said, that woman will change. You should
only make life altering decisions after the initial attraction has dissipated and shes started to change. If you
like what you still see, then a long term relationship may be appropriate. What were going to talk about in
this issue are strategies for projecting the future while youre under the spell of initial attraction. This is where
most men get in trouble.

As I have written many times before, there is a social narrative we all grow up with that equates strong
feelings to forming a legal arrangement with a woman. It is very powerful, with many players who benefit
from quick unions based on feelings. There is what I call a Marriage-Divorce Financial Complex in this
country, fueled by social narrative. It sucks well meaning young couples in, extracts a price for marriage
(weddings and everything leading up to them arent cheap, dont you know), then compels each spouse to
blame the other when happiness and nirvana arent achieved. Hungry divorce attorneys are waiting to extract
their share of the profits, and they are experts at doing so. They get rich, while the disillusioned former couple
goes broke. It is a story repeated over and over every day, but one that is eminently avoidable.

Taking this into account, you might think Im against long term relationships and marriage, but the
opposite is actually true. I am very much for lasting relationships and lasting marriages, and this is where your
ability to project the future is paramount. Make good decisions in the beginning, and you dramatically
increase the odds of your relationship lasting. Life altering decisions made based on strong feelings in the
moment coupled with narrative almost always lead to disaster. There is an industry that profits from couples
getting into marriage, and a much more sinister one that profits from couples getting out of them. The divorce
part of the industry is excellent at squeezing blood from rocks, getting money from couples who appear to be
dead broke and have to go deep in debt to pay the attorney and all his or her cronies. It is a dirty business, and
one you should do your utmost to avoid. The way you do that is by sharpening your projection skills.

If I had done what most men would have done with the girl in the beginning, I would have forked over
a huge chunk of change to get into marriage and to get out of marriage. I would have been miserable, and
probably bitter and angry over the whole deal. But because I developed the skill of projection, then got to
observe from a distance, I avoided it. In this case, a gram of prevention is worth a ton of cure.

Lets start by acknowledging that not only does social narrative exist, it is constantly reinforced by
popular media and social pressure. Turn on the TV, especially around Christmas, and watch the jewelry ads.
Youll see Every Kiss Begins With Kay, He went to Jared, and Zales: the diamond store. These
commercials have been running for a very long time, and if people stopped making decisions in the moment
about marriage, these stores would either go out of business, or shrink dramatically. But year after year, they
run the same commercials and they will keep doing so.

Watch single women when these commercials come on. Listen to them babble amongst themselves
about weddings and babies and rings. They are obsessed with a day that is supposed to happen once in a
lifetime, and are socially invalidated if theyre not engaged or married like their miserable friends. The
narrative and social pressure is enormous, and if you meet a woman you like and experience strong feelings,
you will start to feel it. You must be expect this, you must be on the lookout for it, and when you feel it, you
must fight it. It is other people looking out for their perceived best interests, not years.

-4-
 Women are under an incredible amount of social pressure to snare a man for a long term relationship,
no matter the cost. Their mothers want to marry them off, their fathers do, and their secretly jealous friends
do. Couple this with the narrative of youre not validated as a woman until you snare a man women hear
every day since birth, and the pressure in almost unbearably, way more than it is for men. You must
understand this, and be on the lookout for it. Women will channel this social pressure to you, hoping to
relieve it via declaration of committed relationship, no matter the long term cost.

How do you handle it? By gently resisting it. You cannot make it go away, you cannot overcome it,
but you can gently resist it telling her you simply will not make any life altering decisions in the beginning of
a relationship, you prefer to enjoy the feelings. Later on down the road when you are both more experienced
with each other, there will be a time to talk about such things. What you are doing is letting things play out so
you can get to know her under different circumstances, so you can uncover traits that may be detrimental to a
lasting relationship.

If she doesnt like this answer and starts issuing ultimatums, let her go. Shes making decisions in the
moment, thinking that ring = bliss, not thinking in the real world. Most marriage proposals made under
ultimatum or duress fail. Worse yet, you now know a part of her personality: if she doesnt get her way,
shell respond by issuing ultimatums, and if you give in, you will sentence yourself to a life of one ultimatum
after another. Thats not the basis for a lasting relationship.

While every woman exists under social pressure, many understand that while they have the urge to
form committed relationships, what they want is a lasting relationship. This is the kind of woman you should
be more interested in, and this woman is much more open to letting things develop. Any woman who tries to
force a relationship or manipulate you into a commitment should be taken off the long term relationships list.
Friends, fun friends, sure, but as a long term relationship partner? No way.

As much as people want to romanticize marriage and long term relationships, the reality is this: you
are forming a business arrangement. You are sharing resources, you are sharing assets, you are sharing
liability. It is an unromantic, business arrangement. After three to four years, the initial high of attraction will
be gone, replaced with her as she really is. Keep in mind too, her appearance will change in ten years. It
might stay good, or like the woman I described, she might let herself go.

Appearance is an important character trait to evaluate when making long term relationship decisions.
We, as men, are very visual. We also want the respect of other men, and one way you get respect from other
men is by having a desirable woman, one theyre secretly jealous of. The way you get other men to disrespect
you is by showing up with an unattractive woman. More than likely, youve made fun of other men behind
their backs when they hooked up with an ugly woman, and if you ever did yourself, you were probably the
butt of other mens jokes. Right or wrong, thats how the world works. On one hand, you shouldnt care what
other men think about the women you date or marry, but on the other hand, part of you does. You need to
determine how important that is to.

Take me, for example. While I dont care at all what others think about me, I confess to feeling good
when my friends say, Wow, shes hot, John. And from a business point of view, itd kill my reputation to
show up with an unattractive woman. So to me, appearance is important on a variety of levels. I make
decisions about women based not on current appearance, but on future appearance. I learned that lesson with
the woman I talked about in the beginning.

The first time I met her, she was a woman any man would envy in the looks department. Two years
later, she was still attractive, but my level of physical attraction for her was much lower than when I first met
her. When I saw her again five years later, I found her physically repulsive. There was no way our

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relationship would have lasted, and a few years in, we would have been fighting about her weight. This is
something you must consider carefully.

Keep an eye on her health and fitness habits. Does she understand how to eat right and train right? Is
fitness a value to her? Is it a value to you? To me, it is. I have known two sets of women since their 20s,
and watching their appearance change over 15 or so years has been an eye opener. Both sets were physically
attractive in their 20s. But one set didnt care much about health and fitness. They didnt work out, they ate
what they wanted, they drank and partied, and by the time they were in their mid 30s, they were hideous. The
prospect of them regaining their former looks is zero.

The second set, however, is different. Some of them were attractive in their 20s, some average. But
they all had the value of health, fitness, and nutrition, and theyve only gotten hotter with age. Many of these
women in their 40s are drop dead gorgeous, much hotter than they were in their 20s. Sure, they like to have
a good time, like to party and drink on occasion, but they pay very close attention to their fitness level and
their appearance. I even know a few women in their 50s like this, and they are stunning. Its all because they
had the values of health, fitness, nutrition, and training as character traits. If this is important to you, and it is
important to most men, you should look at it.

Very recently I went out with an attractive woman in her 40s. The more time I spent with her, the less
I liked her. She drank alcohol at every meal, ordered food that contained a fried component, and spent little
time exercising. Her metabolism had served her well, but it was coming to an end, and in two years shell be
huge. I put an end to that one really fast. Lookit, I like to eat good food. I love it. Im a whisky collector,
and I love red wine. If I could drink it every night, I would. But it makes me fat, slow, and hungover, so I
enjoy it on occasion. Thats the character trait I look for in women, and if I dont see it, I pass. I can project
the future, picturing her appearance in five years, and if it aint pretty, Im passing. Rarely do unhealthy
people develop the values of health and fitness, so if shes unhealthy now, she will be much more so in a few
years.

Onward. Another character trait you want to be on the lookout for is: does she have a lot going on?
What I mean is this: do her days blend together, doing the same boring things day in and day out, with little to
show for it? Or does she live a full, vibrant life, with lots of cool things happening? To me, there is nothing
more unattractive than a woman who just doesnt have much going on, a woman whos not progressing in life.

Many, many years ago, I met an attractive Asian woman, and we dated for awhile. She was sexy,
smart, funny, and full of life. At the time, she had a lot going on. Fast forward 17 years. A few months ago I
ran across her again, and she was a shell of what she used to be. Shed been married and divorced, gained 25
pounds, and was living off her divorce settlement. She had a male roommate (not romantic), a crappy care,
and a moped. Thats it. She had no future plans, and made it through each day. It was an odd meeting
because I remembered her as she used to be, not as she is today. She had absolutely nothing going on, and was
just drifting. Very unattractive.

So, if a woman has little going on right now, shell have less going on in the future. And a bored
woman is a dangerous woman to have a relationship with. Women do not like to be bored, and if they are in a
relationship, theyll create drama. I can assure you thats what happened with the women I just described
she got married, got bored, created drama, and had a divorce project to work on. Not a lasting relationship.
You want to be with a woman who has a lot going on in addition to you, a woman with a career she can
advance in, different sets of friends, a desire to travel and see the world. In other words, you want a woman
who wants to make her life interesting in a positive way. It doesnt have to be on a large scale, but shes got to
have something to look forward too.

-6-
 Having something to look forward to is of vital importance in a relationship. One of the reasons why
marriages fail is each spouse suddenly realizes they no longer have anything to look forward to. High school
graduation is over, college graduation is over, engagement is over, wedding is over, honeymoon is over. Sure
kids can be something to look forward too, but they are a lot of work, and not nearly as romantic as promised.
If a woman has nothing else to look forward too, trouble will start. When projecting into the future with a
woman, ask yourself, does she have a lot going on? If its yes, thats a start, if its a no, move on. People
who dont have a lot going on when theyre young rarely do when theyre old.

Another character trait to look for is accepting of responsibility vs blame. This is a big one. Many
people in this day and age of entitlement look for others to blame (such as the rich) when they dont get
what they want. This is a dangerous trait to have in a woman youre looking at forming a relationship with.
The woman I told you about in the beginning blamed all her relationship troubles on her boyfriends instead of
taking a look at herself. If a woman is blaming others for her issues (and we all have issues), take a pass
immediately. Eventually, you will be the focus of blame, and those who are first blamed are initially punished
for their transgressions.

What you want is a woman who accepts responsibility for her outcomes, a woman who works to get
better. That way, just like the appearance example, shell strive to get better with age from a personality point
of view. I have been around several women like that, watching them mature and evolve, and they have been a
joy to be around. Contrast them with women who have devolved into blame and bitterness, and youll see how
important it is to choose a woman who accepts responsibility for her actions.

You certainly want to be on the lookout for character flaws such as jealously, love of drama, anger,
petulance, nagging, etc. These will only get worse with age, not better. What you have to understand is, the
spell of attraction masks such traits. They are easily dismissed as minor in the face of attraction, with the
belief the feeling of attraction will last forever. But it wont. It will fade, and these flaws will still be there,
waiting to be magnified by relationship.

There is an old saying amongst traders of stocks, futures, bonds, and options: the market magnifies all
personality weaknesses. While it is absolutely true for trading, it is even more true for relationships.
Relationships magnify all personality flaws. What you get with attraction is a double whammy. You get the
erroneous belief, supported by social narrative, that it will last forever, and then you get the magnification of
personality flaws in the context of relationship. Small flaws today will be huge flaws in a few years time.
They grow, they do not shrink.

As they grow, they become fodder for the whole industry that supports the destruction of relationships.
A good divorce attorney will convince a suspicious and jealous woman her husband is hiding assets from her,
plotting to give them to another woman. A private investigator will convince a dramatic woman that her
husband could be cheating on her, and such a rat needs to be investigated. Other member of the industry
will exploit these character traits as well, turning someone who may well be neutral against you.

When you develop the ability to project how a woman will behave years in the future in the context of
committed relationship, based on reality, not narrative, you can make wise choices. They will not be easy
choices, and they may be painful choices, but a little pain now is well worth avoiding a lot of pain later. And
pain fades, quicker than you might imagine.

When I passed on a relationship with the woman I talked about in the beginning, the pain was terrible.
I literally felt like I couldnt breathe for a month. The world was dull, and the heartbreak followed me
everywhere I went. But then it started to get better and better, and soon it was gone. Two years later, when I
saw her again, the intense feelings I had for her were gone, purged by heartbreak. I saw her as she was, and
immediately realized Id made the right decision. Had I followed my heart like social narrative claims you
-7-
should do, I would have followed it into the WWI like attrition of a long-lasting divorce conflict. That small
amount of pain coupled with the absence of feeling when opportunity came around again taught me a very
valuable lesson about how the human mind works when it comes to attraction.

See, what you really want is a lasting relationship, not a committed relationship. Most people make
decisions in the moment based on transitory, powerful feelings. Those feelings wear off, and the relationship
collapses, moving them further away from a lasting relationship, further away from what they really want.
Learn to dispassionately project into the future, and you can have that rarest of animals: a true, lasting, long
term relationship.

Stay tuned for next months exciting issue.

-John Alanis, The King

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The Last WordQuotes to Dazzle With

Menmarrybecausetheyaretired,women,becausetheyarecurious:both
aredisappointed
OscarWilde

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good
girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

C.Joybell
-8-
The death of a beautiful woman is, unquestionably, the most poetical topic in the world.
~EdgarAllanPoe