UNTITLED WORK

by

Christopher James “Christacular” Richards

 TABLE OF CONTENTS
Here is a list of the compilation of topics, I’ve put an asterisk* next to the important ones.

Chapter 0 – The Introductory Clause*

Chapter 1 – One Score and Two and a Half Years Ago*

Chapter 2 – Social Impotence and Impotent Socialism*

Chapter 3 – Relativity and the Norm*

Chapter 4 – A Few Good Men*

Chapter 5 –The Opposite Sex and the Origin of Species*

Chapter 6 – To Whom It May Concern*

Chapter 7 – Personal Reflections on a Year Forever Frozen in Memory*

Chapter 8 – Identity Crisis and Identity and Crisis*

Chapter 9 – Change for a Twenty-Two*

Chapter 10 – Cognizant Disobedience*

Chapter 11 – Subjective Chronology*

Chapter 12 – 365 Complete Revolutions a Year*

Chapter 13 – All Dogmas Go to Heaven*

Chapter 14 – Outroduction*
INTRODUCTORY CLAUSE

I know that I usually skip introductions in books but this is worth reading for the
sake of understanding what you are about to embark on. I spend a considerable amount
of time writing. My friends know just how much I write because I post a percentage of it
online for all to see on my blog. They are usually rants or social commentaries that hold
some significance in my life or the lives of those around me. What I’ve done is taken the
most significant of my work and put it together for the sake of publishing it for all to take
part in this journey of life with me. I wanted to put together a journey of my mind and
philosophy that anybody can enjoy and relate to in some degree. I never posted any of
these, with one exception, online because: 1) they were excessively long; and 2) I wanted
to work on them more in depth so I could have a chance to publish in a public domain.
Whether anybody reads it or not is irrelevant just so long as it is available for
enlightenment to whatever degree it is capable of.
Now, it has never been within my nature to worry about offending anybody
because no matter what you say or what you do somebody will be offended. It’s an
inevitability that I for one am not going to try to avoid because we spend too much time
on trying to be Politically Correct and not enough time really getting down to the heart of
the issues at hand. We want so bad not to cause conflict but it takes conflict to provoke
change. If it weren’t for so many conflicts in the past the world would be a very different
and possibly extremely bleak place. It is conflict that gives backbone to Revolution. If
there were no Revolutionaries starting conflicts then there would be no United States of
America. I for one do not want to even imagine a world without Revolution. It is
something that allows the evils of this world to be purged and cause change to occur for
the better in most if not all cases. You can imagine that there would be offended peoples
involved in Revolutions, and yet we hail such times like the American Revolution as
great, necessary, and worth every life and every death.
My goal here is not to offend but to inform. My goal is to instigate change in any
degree through the things that I’ve been learning on my life journey.. My ideals are
deeply rooted in Revolution. I mean, if we as people took the time to read past that
which offended us who knows what we could discover about ourselves or about the
issue? This Revolution doesn’t have to be a war though. I’m talking about a social
Revolution, a cultural Revolution. I’m talking about standing up against the common
fold and actually becoming something different, becoming something great. I’m talking
about redefining culture and standing up against the evils of the world and social injustice
and fighting them head on. It takes a big dream and an even bigger God to achieve this
Revolution. Are you willing to put petty offenses aside to look at the bigger picture?

ONE SCORE AND TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO – THE EPOCH OF
CHRISTACULAR BEGINS

Every story has different ingredients that add to its flavor: a beginning, middle, an
end, arcs, conflict, things of that nature. This is the beginning of my story to which I
have given the title “the Epoch of Christacular.” Because I like to look at my life as a
story I want to tell it with all of the dramatic and literary elements at my disposal, while
not embellishing any aspect of the story so as to remain true to the text, so we’ll see how
that works. Prepare to be dazzled.
I started out as humbly as anybody; a few screams, some pushing, and then a nine
month gestation period. I was a miracle baby. I mean, I know all babies are miracles, but
to tell you the truth I wasn’t even supposed to be born. After my mom had had a
miscarriage three years prior to my conception, she was informed that she would not be
able to have children again. A little over five years after that, I’m two years of age and
my brother is being born. Twenty years later here I am, about to graduate college and
embark on the adventure that is the rest of my life; but I’m getting ahead of myself here.
So, for the first five or so years of my life I saw the world, well, a good portion of
the country anyway. We lived in our car for a little while, spent some time with my
Dad’s parents in Temple City. At one point we moved all the way across the country to
Virginia for a few months. The idea was to live with my Grandfather, my mother’s
father, but that didn’t work out too well as he kind of screwed us over pretty bad. So we
spent some time in Tennessee with my aunt and uncle. At one point my dad ended up
back in California and my mom and I stayed with her mother in Oklahoma.
Now unfortunately I only have bits and pieces of memory of all of these times;
just images really. I don’t have cognitive memory of anything until around the age of six
when I was in second grade. I have a few snapshots of Virginia, Tennessee, and a couple
from the house in Temple City, pre-school at Citrus College, and a few at our old house
next to Valleydale Park. It was about the time that I was four or five that we moved into
our home in Azusa California; great town, extremely ghetto at that time. I had the
distinct privilege of living near two crack houses and a pedophile; but don’t worry, my
story doesn’t take a dramatic twist here.
Elementary school was a treat. I was a major teachers pet, simply because I was
bright; and I was a complete and utter outcast for some reason. I carried one true friend
throughout those years with whom I maintained friendship until about a year after
graduating high school. We’ve lost touch sense then unfortunately, but I hear about him
from time to time. I spent a lot of the time in elementary and middle school being pushed
around and sort of passively dealing with it because I just didn’t really care. At that time
I already had a vague concept of peer pressures and displacement disorders so I wasn’t
really worried about what they were saying because in the back of my mind they were
just compensating for how horribly they saw themselves. How much of that is actually
true I’ll never know, but the past is the past.
That’s sort of how I got into social analysis and psychology. If I wasn’t going to
be a part of their “reindeer games” then I was going to learn how to blend in and observe
their behavior instead. I became increasingly intrigued in social behaviors amongst those
around me; and it didn’t stop at school. I became a constant observer wherever I was. I
could fade into the background anywhere and watch anybody I wanted. It was like a
power to me. I did a fair share of participating when I could, but for some reason I was
never the person that was called for any social event and always over looked. Even in the
Cub Scouts or which I was involved with for a half a year; I was barely an actual member
considering the laughable amount of the group’s activities I was included in.
I grew up with some sense of religion but none of it really made sense to me. I
would watch people at the few churches I visited prior to high school and see nothing
desirable about the lifestyle. It was all very flashy and attention grabbing, didn’t really
suit a fly on the wall like myself. Lots of moaning and falling over and shouting, it’s not
me. As expressive as I am, I prefer the sanctity of not drawing too much attention to
myself because then I’m just putting on a show for those around me when I already know
I have God’s attention. I even spent some time at a Catholic church in the youth ministry
room talking about “the lake of fire” and sinners and stuff; I was nine. You can see
where I might have been turned off to the whole church thing. It’s okay though, I didn’t
have to look at another church until I was in high school.
So in junior high I became an insatiable book worm and spent much of my time
reading great works of fiction and taking in knowledge on different things that sparked
my interest. I discovered things like Social Darwinism and Communism early on thanks
to the wonderful Azusa Public library. It was about the end of my sixth grade year that
my parents had finally had enough of constantly hating each other and got divorced. At
the time I was distraught but welcomed the idea that I didn’t have to deal with their
incessant and somewhat violent bickering all the time. I had enough trouble constantly
fighting with my brother. We never really did get along all that well for some reason.
Even in his awkward copying me phase he tried so hard to continue being opposition and
I’m sure I was no better. I was as much a prick to him as he was to me.
About seventh grade I managed to gain myself a few really great, extremely
surface friendships solely based on my ability to play basketball in a somewhat decent
manner. These relationships were great because they involved absolutely no depth
whatsoever. We would show up, play basketball, hang out sometimes, joke in an
extremely disgusting manner; it was great. We could take anything and turn it into a
double entendre, we were that good. You couldn’t say anything around us without us
snickering to ourselves or repeating it in a suggestive manner. I was excelling in school.
I was part of the Gifted And Talented Education program as well as the Math
Engineering and Science Achievement club. I had effectively become a shell of my
former self and could blend in with my new group of friends because of my ability to
adapt in a social environment. You couldn’t have known in any wisdom that I was any
different or more intelligent or more mature than any of those guys. I wasn’t more
intelligent then some of them as far as book smarts go, but what I lacked in physical
knowledge I made up for in wisdom and philosophical prowess.
I developed at that time what is known both as the Writer’s gift and his curse. It
is a gift in that it is beneficial to the writer’s craft; however, it is a curse if it becomes a
more than prominent practice in the writer’s life. One of a writer’s key characteristics is
observation. A writer will fade into the background of a public/social setting and observe
what is going on around him/her. We’ll study behavior, action, dialogue, situations, and
things of that sort. It helps us as writer’s to be able to depict these situations accurately
down to the very psychology of human behavior. This particular aspect of my life made
me extremely intuitive to behavior and perceptive too much that was happening around
me. It became a kind of empathy where I started to be able to sense things that were
going on inside a person despite their demeanor. I was usually pretty accurate too. It
made it really easy to transition into the next phase of my being which was to become a
counselor to those around me; people that I befriended that for whatever reason found me
trustworthy and confided in me things that they were struggling with. I was very quick to
respond as well; whether it was advice they needed, or just someone to listen to them talk
for a while. That’s what I did. That’s what I do. Though now I’ve learned how to do it
more effectively, but again, I’m going off on a tangent.
It was in high school that my mom had decided to re-visit the whole church thing.
I wasn’t enthusiastic to say the least because up until that time there was no alarm clock
that dictated when I got up on a Sunday morning. The first weekend we visited a place
around the corner from our house. It was a small, whitish church that I can honestly say
bored the hell out of me – get it? Anyways, during breakfast that morning we all agreed
that it wasn’t for us. The next week we went to a church in West Covina that had caught
my mom’s attention a few years prior to our excursion. We pulled up to a warehouse of a
building that used to be an aerospace building that housed an immense congregation ages
ranging from birth to God only knows.
Upon entering this behemoth construct we were aimlessly directed to what we had
hoped was the sanctuary. This is when I was introduced to youth ministry. Not just
youth ministry, but the No Limit youth ministry. My brother and I opted to stay there
while my mother was directed to the main sanctuary or “big people church” as we were
so accustomed to calling it. I stayed and immediately fell in love with this place. I loved
the people, I felt welcomed, I loved the teaching, the pastor was hilarious, and the music
wasn’t too bad either. I became part of the ministry. I didn’t know much about
Christianity, or God for that matter, but there I was, blending in to yet another sect of our
social order. Over the course of time I started to realize what it was that I was a part of,
and I liked it. I loved hearing the stories and the doctrine was sound. I could see myself
believing it because I at least had a foundation of the existence of God.
It was around April that year that I became “involved” in the ministry. I had been
prompted by the spirit – or my hormones and interest in girls – to join the youth ministry
choir. I figured I could carry a tune and they were recruiting so, why not? That same
week I had been prompted by the youth pastor to join a small group. I opted for one led
by a man named John whom I had met and been getting to know for some time. The day
I went to choir rehearsal I met Ray who would become my best friend and partner in
crime fighting as well. It turned out that he was also in John’s small group, coincidence,
I think not!
Sophomore year I attended my very first camp ever. It was Winter Camp 2002.
It was tons of fun and it was a pivotal moment in my life; something that weekend
forever changed the direction of my path. I had an encounter with my own spirit. It’s not
as dramatic as it sounds but I had finally come to the epiphany that had been brewing in
me for some time; I had an epiphany about following Christ; and after that I knew that
numerous things in my life had to change; I knew what it was I had to do, and it wasn’t
going to be easy.
That same year I picked up a guitar for the first time and within a month I had
progressed into an intermediate level as I discovered that within me was a gift for music
that I had never really known before. So I continued from that point to progress as a
musician, learning what I could and practicing hours a day. I would practice at church
during rehearsals when I wasn’t singing which led to me being part of the band by that
summer.
Senior year was witness to another great discovery of parts of who I really was.
For so long I had been so confused as to who I was at all, personality, gifts, etc. This is
when I joined Drama club. It was a whimsical decision that completely changed the
course of my life. Through my drama teacher I met faculty in the Azusa Pacific
University Theatre Arts department as well as my undergraduate counselor. I had
submitted my application to the university with aspirations of becoming a student in the
school of music.
After my first semester at APU I realized that I didn’t want to turn music into
work in that way; I wanted to keep it my personal outlet of expression and relaxation. So
I decided to take a second look at the theatre program. Needless to say, I absolutely
loved it and my second semester I started getting involved by taking my first acting class
and a class in set construction and technical theatre. I was in my first show fall of my
sophomore year. I’ve been in four shows on that stage, played electric guitar for another,
and was part of a showcase in Hollywood as my Capstone Project.
About a week or so after I graduated from high school I joined the volunteer staff
of the junior high ministry at church. I technically joined after my graduation from the
youth ministry, though I still had two weeks of high school left. My ministry area was
with the worship band, so it wasn’t a difficult transition, just a little weird because the
band mates that had been my peers were still in high school. I had dreamed of becoming
a leader since early on in high school and I was finally there, and I loved it so much. I
loved working with junior high students and even got to work with high school because
of my position of leadership in the worship band. I would lead the team at the various
camps and be a part of the team at every youth service of the week. I still played in the
main sanctuary in some capacity as well.
It was high school winter camp my sophomore year that I had a self revelation
about my role in the youth as well as my role as a follower of Christ. The theme of the
camp had been Revolution. On our last night of camp we changed the name of the youth
ministry to “Epic Culture” and declared that we ourselves were Revolutionaries. That
was the night that I became “Christacular the Revolutionary.” It was a night that I had
finally grasped some concept of my identity and my purpose. I was to be a
Revolutionary. I was to be one of many to instigate social change in my culture and live
an epic life for Christ and in his likeness become a light in the darkest of places.
So here I sit, just a few months away from the end of my five year career as an
undergraduate college student at Azusa Pacific University; I write these words at the
beginning of a journey to instigate social change. I write these words at this stage
knowing that I have learned so much, especially in the past few months of my life, and I
want to share what I have learned in the hopes that I can bring some light into some dark
places and maybe help answer questions and inspire Revolution. I may be right and I
may not be. The one thing I know for sure is that I have faith. Not just in what I write
but in the God that brings light into my life.
So that has been my epoch so far. I invite you to read more as I delve a lot deeper
and in greater detail into my past, my present, what I have done, what I have seen, and
what I have learned.

SOCIAL IMPOTENCE AND IMPOTENT SOCIALISM

The one thing I’ve learned about impotence is that it is usually brought on by
some form of stress that spawns psycho-somatic symptoms in the body. Many guys who
experience impotence are just under a lot of pressure from whatever trial or season they
are going through. Maybe stress at work of for the lack thereof, marital stresses, and
things of that nature. It is social pressure that can cause social impotence. For whatever
reason, you may find yourself incapable of human contact or interdependence because of
some known or unknown malefactor in your life.
For me, it was introversion along with sever rejection issues that spawned my
social impotence. I was unable to perform in any capacity around people because I had
either been hurt by some of them or didn’t quite fit in with them. This is where
everything gets sticky. As a person of great ability to adapt, I realized that the way to
become a part of the group is to resemble the social dynamic of that group. That being
said, I spawned my first alter-ego in order that I might fit in with people in junior high. I
was accepted because I was just like them and I found an out for my fear of rejection.
Great, so all I have to do now is make sure that nobody knows who I am and I’ll be fine.
It was going so well, and then it started to get a little more complicated about the time
that I decided to take God seriously.
The problem was with the fact that my school face and my church face were two
completely different masks that I wore in order to be socially accepted in both areas of
my life. There were so many conflicting characteristics to each personality but I knew
how to turn them off and on like a light switch. It’s a skill that I attribute my ability act
with. Two faces and a third face at home, though that one was hardly complicated. Each
face made different social decisions that affected each environment in different ways.
Then I hit a crossroads.
I decided that it was time to merge the two faces so that I could just be one person
in both environments, oh how foolish one can be. Whatever it was that I did do, I was
wrong, because I wasn’t being effective anywhere at that point. To my friends at school I
was a Christian, and my opposition to a lot of their behavior grew to a point where I
rejected so much of my former face because of it; right down to the music I was listening
to. I was becoming legalistic in my practices beyond normal bounds. I was close-
minded and becoming quite the nuisance. Though I was not fully rejected by them, I did
spend time away from them because I felt as if I had to sever my ties in order to become a
better person.
The church front hadn’t changed at all, though I was becoming increasingly good
at manipulating my circumstances so nobody could tell that I was ever experiencing such
inner turmoil. I knew what to say and how to say it to get people off of my back and
have zero accountability for what was going on in my personal life. It was becoming so
lucid that I actually started to develop barriers within myself and believing that there
wasn’t anything wrong. I would tear myself up when I messed up but had no
accountability for my actions. In my endeavor to counteract rejection I had completely
isolated myself from interdependence with others. I still had relationships but many of
them were becoming one-way streets where I was always there for them when they
needed it but never had the action reciprocated; mainly because I didn’t really feel that it
was worth anybody’s time to help me with my issues. I would confide at times, but it
was very minimal.
What are we so afraid of that we can’t be ourselves? Is there something wrong
with the way God created us? I assure you there is not, and yet we wear these shells of
invulnerability so as not to reveal to others what the inner workings of our being are. All
of these social pressures befall us and change becomes a seemingly impossible task
because in our fear of vulnerability we become inept to stand up against certain things for
fear of what our peers or the masses will think or how they will respond. I was so afraid
of losing friends that I kept my opinions to myself. I didn’t want to have to defend
myself and I didn’t want to be shunned for what I held in my heart to be true.
Who cares? Who cares what other people think? Why must we perpetuate living
in a world that does not allow the acknowledgement of individuality in preference,
politics, and truth? How come I can’t express a difference of opinion around certain
people because I’ll get chewed out for being different or wrong? Who is anybody to tell
me that what I believe is any less or more wrong than what they believe? Who is
anybody to tell me what I like is any better or worse than what they like? Nobody is
infallible and it’s time we all opened our minds and realized that because somebody
opposes that which we hold as personal truth does not make them an enemy, it just makes
them an individual. How are we ever going to change the world if we can’t unify
because of petty differences? I do understand that there are radical differences in the
world too, but that does not give anybody the right to attack anybody else solely on
belief. If there is threat of life, then the attack, or counterattack, is necessary; however,
unless you can keep an open mind when expressing your beliefs you will never change
the world. You will never even be able to change one person.
You see, because there is so much individualism these days there has to be a
radical shift in the way we approach evangelism and belief in general. Preaching on a
street corner isn’t going to cut it anymore. If you aren’t dialoguing with anybody; if
you’re just regurgitating information on them and telling them they’re wrong; then you
are as useless as a man who refuses to do anything. When I defend my faith to people, I
tell them why I believe what I believe; then I give chance for rebuttal and show an
interest and understanding in what they’re saying. Sometimes they have pretty good
arguments for what they believe in too. Then we can come to a mutual understanding
and we have planted seeds in one another’s minds so as to instigate future recall of that
information. When you plant those seeds they will germinate, and down the line
something you said will come up in their lives again. It’s not about trying to convert
people; this isn’t a contest nor is it a hunt.
All I’m getting at here is that one of the first steps towards social change is
change within us. The idea is to stand up against any such conformity and being you as
well as being open-minded to other’s identities. Only then will you be able to start
reaching out to other people. Only then can there be change.

RELATIVITY AND THE NORM

As our culture has so eloquently assimilated the ideals of individualism, we as a

generation have grown up with the notion that we are the center of our own universe. We
grow up believing in the American Dream as Willy Loman (Death of a Salesman)
believed in it. We grow up believing in the necessity for personal success and material
gain. After all, we are all guilty at one point or another measuring somebody’s worth by
what it is they own and their salary. We measure ourselves in this manner as well. The
world is lit with billboards and advertisements and television. We are submersed to our
eyeballs with Consumerism and inundated with great technologies. Technologies that
have sped the pace of our lives and made it possible for us to accomplish more in an hour
than our predecessors could finish in a day. Instant gratification is the mark of our
society. We want it and we want it now. You’ll notice this when you’re sitting in a fast
food restaurant and you become impatient when your food has taken longer than a few
minutes. You’ll see it when a person becomes enraged and honks at you when you have
not instantly accelerated when a light turns green at an intersection. He doesn’t care that
you were waiting for a pedestrian, he wants to go!
Why so impatient? Were our predecessors this impatient? There are still twenty-
four hours in a day. Let’s face it. This is our culture now. We zip around from one task
to another. We go to work, then to the store, then we eat, then we hug our families, then
we spend some time with them, then we take some time to ourselves, then we clean the
house, then we sleep for a few hours, then we wake up and do it all over again. I’m sure
that if our forefathers magically time traveled to today it would blow their minds at how
fast everything has become. They would be distraught at the amazing technologies that
have done as such to our lives. Meals that once took entire days to cook are being
brought to us in a matter of minutes. Trips that used to take weeks take mere hours.
Communication is as instant as talking face to face between vast distances. What an age
to be alive.
And we do it. We marvel at what we have accomplished in this race to become a
greater species. And we’re looking out for number one. In our culture the definition is
“me, myself, and I.” Ask not what I should do for my country, but what can it do for
“me?” Relationships become one sided because we take and take for ourselves and offer
nothing in return.

Now before you say: “hey, that’s not like me at all.” I’m generalizing in a sense
but it is inevitably human nature and we are all guilty of this at different points in our
lives. You were at least like this as a child in your early years of development because
everybody is. Watch any kid at the playground. Sharing and caring are traits that we
learn from our parents (well, most of do) but before that we are all self-centered. It’s my
toy, and my spot, and my chair, and so on and so forth.

So, what is it about all of this that is not only unsettling to my spirit, but
completely contrary to what it should be? No matter how individualistic our culture is,
almost everyone is becoming part of the common fold. Almost everyone follows the
trends and fads and mindlessly buys into the consumerist mindset. We’re becoming a
generation with few leaders and herds of followers.
Something I learned a long time ago about sheep really spoke volumes to what it
is I’m talking about. If a herd of sheep is running, each sheep will continue to follow the
sheep in front of it. Why is this funny to me? If the lead sheep comes up to a cliff it will
not stop because the herd will inevitably trample it, so it continues off of the cliff to its
death. Then the rest of the herd follows and these sheep continue to run off of this cliff to
their impending doom. They only start surviving when the dead sheep at the bottom form
a great enough cushion for the fall.
I start to think about the fact that in the Bible Christ refers to all of us as sheep. I
really feel that there is so much more to that than the idea of a Shepherd as our leader and
our teacher. We as human beings share more characteristics with Sheep than are
presented in the word. One of them is a variation of what I wrote in the chapter above.
As a herd human beings are dumb. I know that’s a bold statement but please track with
me. Yes we are the sheep and Christ is the Shepherd. What about the other
characteristics? An example that comes to mind is Soccer rioting. Over a game these
people band together for no apparent reason and start running around fighting each other
and trashing stuff. When you watch something like that it really doesn’t seem like
anybody has any sense doesn’t it? And yet amidst these people are individuals like you
and me.
“So if your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it to?” I always responded:
“well, is there water under it?” But when I take a look at that statement now, I think long
and hard about what it really means. There is so much depth to that concept; especially if
you are jumping into the unknown. Why would you jump in the first place? Are you
being goaded on by your friends in that never ending cycle of peer pressure? Do you
have the utmost trust for the people you are following?
One thing that I have struggled with my entire life is the ability to adapt. It is a
gift and curse. It makes me extremely flexible to take whatever it is life throws at me.
Unfortunately there is a side effect. It causes me to be able to blend in to whatever group
I’m involved with. I can be a fly on the wall if I truly wanted to. I could also be the life
of the party but if I feel attention has been diverted I will retreat and observe. It’s what
one of my professors explained as a defining trait of a writer. We spend so much time
observing the world around us. I have spent my life in observation and participation. It
is why I have been able to create characters and what gives me the vast amount of
knowledge I have on social behavior. Plus, I started to be able to read people. I used to
joke that if you gave me twenty minutes I would learn everything I need to know about
you, whether you give up the information willingly or I manipulate it out you. It’s not a
gift I use for evil; I use it to help people. Some people are lock-boxes and need to be
coaxed to talk about certain things because they need to be addressed.
I got off track a little there. So what happened for me is that it became very
simple for me to blend into the people I was hanging out with and become them in
essence. This meant that my speech patterns matched, my mannerisms, my likes/dislikes,
humor, manners, and overall character was matched to that group. Everyone in any
particular group ultimately does this, but I was completely aware of it and had control
over it. They say in churches that you can only go so far with two faces. I had a school
face and church face. Then it evolved from there. I had a church choir face, a small
group face, a drama face, a group face, and a teacher’s pet face. I’m sure there were
more. I was playing these different characters to become the person that everyone would
get along with and adapt well with. Then everyone could be happy, right?
Wait, I forgot something. Who the hell am I?! I had no personal identity. I had
become those around me. So many of us will or have fallen into this trap. We become
the people around us. We pick traits, mannerisms, and on a more dangerous level we
pick up habits. Towards the end of my high school career the people I was hanging out
with began to enjoy a wide array of alcoholic beverages which soon developed into a full
blown addiction. It got to the point where they were drinking in class under the teacher’s
nose and partying had on a consistent basis. It took a lot but it finally got to me and there
were a few occasions where I gave into the temptation and had a little drinky-drink of my
own. I never got drunk, only buzzed, but it was still there. I ought not to be falling into
this trap because I come from a long line of alcoholics and it is a hereditary disease that
could affect me as well. I’m responsible now, but it could have gotten out of control
back then.
It’s no different than getting a mob together. Have you ever noticed that when
you get a mob together and they all agree on one thing they move almost as a unit on that
one issue. One of my all time favorite quotes comes from the movie “Men in Black.”
Will Smith’s character says “People are smart.” Tommy Lee Jones comes back at him
with a bold statement in saying: “A person is smart, but people are dumb, panicky, and
dangerous animals.” That makes my whole point. You get a group of people together
they will have a collective IQ. They will be no different then a herd of sheep. That is
why there were all of these followers of Christ but when he stands trial with Pilate the
collective mob calls for his crucifixion. A group has a single consciousness but it should
be a collection of consciousnesses, ideas, beliefs, convictions, and so on and so forth.
This is why yelling “somebody call 911” in the middle of a group will probably yield no
results unless you point your finger at someone and call them to action, because everyone
has the same thought on their mind: “somebody else is probably calling.” It would be
something to that effect.
The group dynamic is only effective when there is a sum of parts to make the
whole. This means that everybody has their specific function. This is how our
government works as a body. It is a collection of hundreds of people running the country
as a single unit with many parts. It isn’t one hundred presidents; then nothing would get
accomplished. It works because everybody has their place and they know what to do to
keep the body functional.
So why strive to be like anybody else but yourself. Uniqueness and individuality
are beautiful things that God has given us. Everyone’s thumbprint is different and
everyone’s personality is different as well. You might as well accept it. But don’t fret
about it because God has created us individually and I don’t know about you but looking
at his craftsmanship around the world God doesn’t make junk. He makes art, beautiful
art and everyone is unique and beautiful. Not everyone would say so but their opinions
don’t matter. Beauty is relative and subjective. Sophocles talked about the constant
comparisons that we make between beautiful, not beautiful and the like. He talked about
the endless comparisons and that there is no absolute. Everything can be compared to
everything and there is always something more or less beautiful than everything else.
And if beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, then there’s no way of truly defining
anything as beautiful unless it is our opinion.
One thing I’ve noticed is that when we compare ourselves to people we always
come up short. We have our personality and our gifts and other people have theirs. The
more time we spend wanting someone else’s talent the less time we spend sharpening our
own talents. It’s what the “Parable of the Talents” was all about in the Gospels. The men
who used their talents yielded great reward and the body kept functioning. The man who
hid it gained nothing and lost all of that time. Likewise, I’m sure if he had been spending
his time pining over the fact that the other guy had better talents it would have gone to
waste all the same.
The beauty of being created uniquely as well as being part of a body is that we all
have our place no matter what we can do. Believe me, there have been times that I have
looked at some of the people on the team at my church and longed to be in the place that
they are. Granted, I have moved my way up some in the ranks, but that is where my
place is and where God has called me to be.
When I first started going to the church I had decided to join choir as you already
know. While I was on the choir I would look down at the Praise team (the lead singers)
and long for that because to me it meant more responsibility, more maturity, and more
experience. That wasn’t my place at the time though. I eventually expressed my interest
and soon after got to sing on the Praise team. While that was going on I was learning
how to play guitar. So to make a long story even longer I’m going to write this sentence.
So through my diligence as a singer there was finally a Sunday where I was thrown up on
Praise team with little warning. What an experience? I did okay. I did okay enough to
get to do it again and again. While I was still learning how to play guitar I would sit in
on Saturday night service rehearsal and participate. I was soon asked to be part of that
team as well. The Junior High pastor at the time was Taylor Hughes and he had started
asking me to play acoustic with him on Sunday mornings for 9am J-high service. That
soon evolved into an entire band and praise team forming and from there I ended up in
band and praise team rotation for the youth ministry and main services Saturday night. I
moved my way up to the places that I was supposed to be. During my junior year at APU
I ended up directing the band for the entire year. I took my senior year off due to the
three simultaneous plays I was working on. I still played from time to time but left the
responsibility in capable hands. I’m back to directing it again and I’m having a blast.
This is where I belong. I used to spend my time longing to be one of the usual up-front
speakers, and I’ve had the opportunity to speak before, but I wanted more. But I
remembered what it said and I had no interest in trying to leave my place. There would
have been chaos for a small period of time. God would provide, but I shouldn’t leave
them in that predicament.
I would rather remain being a hand then try to be leg. Have you ever seen
someone with an arm for a leg? Of course not!!! It’s ridiculous! It would never work
which is why it’s good for us to find our niche and stick with it without trying to be
something we’re not.
That’s the key. Be yourself. Why be anyone else? It’s way too hard anyway and
let’s face it, it’s exhausting. There’s no sense in wasting all that time faking it. The day I
decided to just be myself was the greatest day of my life because I’m having a blast being
myself. Plus I find that I’m respected and loved and all that good stuff, as myself. So,
just like you’ll hear me say from time to time: “I love being me.”

A FEW GOOD MEN

So you may or may not (depending on your film preference or knowledge, or

whether or not your mind is a steel trap like mine) recognize this quote. It’s the
beginning of a line from the movie “Braveheart” when William Wallace (played by Mel
Gibson) is speaking to the Scottish army on the twilight of battle with the English. I’ll
tell you the rest of the line later; it’s not really relevant right now. Thus ends this
disclaimer.
 I am a man. Now that the shock has settled, let me explain. I don’t just mean that
I have all of the necessary anatomy. There’s more to a man than meets the eye. Now
that the shock has settled yet again I will continue. Now, I’m not saying we’re dreadfully
complicated but there are things about men that we all should know. Men these days
aren’t living up to what the Biblical definition of what men are supposed to be. We are
not to be subdued or domesticated. There is an aspect of the male spirit that should never
be tamed. Men should remain as wild as the very first man that ever walked the Earth.
Now I don’t mean kill an animal and harvest its pelt for a loin cloth and live in the wild –
though that would be pretty awesome. I’m talking about being spiritually wild and being
able to be yourself.
Guys we can’t all just run out into battle but we want to, don’t we? It pumps in
our blood, that yearning to just be men. It’s that yearning that you should never fight. To
fight the yearning to be wild is a crime against nature, your nature.
Every boy starts out his life with an adventure in his heart. When we’re young
we’re explorers, we’re curious about the world around us. We get dirty and climb trees
and dig holes. Everything we touch becomes a sword or a gun and everyone we come in
contact with is either an ally or an enemy. Something has to happen when we are boys
though. We have our father figure in our lives to look up to for guidance and for the
example to follow as men. As we cross the threshold into adolescence there is an
affirmation that we need to receive from our fathers. At that point that we receive the
affirmation is when the real manhood begins and we start to grow up in that model.
Affirmation is key.
Unfortunately that affirmation is not always at our disposal and a lot of us grow
up having been scarred from whatever painful childhood events and we have not been
given that right of passage. Maybe you didn’t have a good role model in your life for
whatever reason. Sometimes our fathers don’t exemplify what men ought to be. We’ve
all seen that stereotype guy sitting on the couch with his fifth beer, wearing a stained
wife-beater, and watching sports with that horrible expressionless face. Men like that
exist. Then there are extremes like abusive fathers, whether that be physically, sexually,
emotionally, or verbally abusive. You have the dads that have dirty magazines stashed
under their bed and talk about inappropriate things in front of mixed company.
Then again your father may not have been there at all. Maybe he split along time
ago, maybe he died, and now you have no role-model in your life at all except your mom
or guardians. Somewhere along the road you were scarred and not given that opportunity
to cross that threshold into early manhood. Now you start to go down the path of what I
like to call “false manhood,” a stage in which you start to find substitutions for that
manliness that you desire to gain for yourself. You get to the point where you start
feeling empty and something just doesn’t feel right and then you discover it. You
discover the thing that gives you that rush like you’re a man. You don’t recognize it as
that but it is a pseudo-feeling that fires that same part in you that wants to be manly.
There was a dad that I mentioned earlier and that was the beer drinking, wife-
beater wearing, expressionless, sports fanatic. Beer is a common misconception into
manhood. When you drink that beer or get drunk you may get that feeling. Some men
wallow in their own laziness all day and watch endless sports. They watch other men be
men and waste hours on the couch.
 I guess as a little aside I should mention that I really don’t like sports at all. I
don’t see the appeal in watching a three hour football or basketball game when the real
exciting stuff in my opinion happens in the last fifteen minutes. To me it’s just boring
and time consuming. Maybe I just don’t get it, but I would personally rather play the
sport then be a spectator.

There are other forms of pseudo-manhood to consider. Pornography is one of the

biggest of all of these. It is the most ubiquitous of all of the carnal pleasures and is also
one of the most spiritually unhealthy.
In the very beginning of your life as an adolescent, for most of us before we even
hit puberty, we are given the talk. This talk is designed to describe the awkward phase of
life that we are about to enter. This is the infamous sex talk. If you’re lucky, your
parents actually give you one. If you’re not, school does it for them. Oh, and some of
you may get the basics from your parents and then everything else from school. Or, you
may learn stuff from school kids, then teachers, and maybe stuff from your parents. In
any case, you get to learn about sex. It’s something that happens for everybody and yet it
seems to be the most awkward subject for some people. That’s when you get to hear
funny replacement words like wee-wee and cha-cha and intercourse (that one’s my
favorite).
Why is it so awkward to talk about one of the biggest parts of our lives as human
beings? The unfortunate thing is that it’s so awkward for some that you don’t even get a
good enough talk or any talk at all and you are left to the mercy of our lovely public
school system to learn the mechanics. A deeper issue emerges when you meet sex
education without proper Christian values and you start to learn about certain things that
are seen as normal for them, but not so normal for us. Not to say that we are a separate
race but only that we differ in views on birth control and abstinence and marriage and
stuff like that.
It just so happens that the media doesn’t help much either because our main
stream culture is very much secular as well as our school system. So sex before
marriage, that’s fine. I see in television shows all the time that sex is just a normal
everyday activity for even complete strangers. I think that’s disgusting and think about
our rampant spread of venereal diseases and how much of a problem it is. I see a pattern,
but why inform an ignorant mass of the dangers of their promiscuous activity, right? I
mean, that’s just the way it is, right? If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right? This is not
normal behavior guys. If this was normal behavior it wouldn’t have these extreme
consequences. Doesn’t that make any sense?
So we soon learn from our teachers that things like pornography and masturbation
are just as common and normal as these other things. Now it’s ingrained in your mind
that it’s normal and you’re longing for that feeling anyways so it makes perfect sense to
be ensnared by the trap and start down the dark path. I say “start down the dark path”
because lust and pornography addition is a downward spiral of escalation a lot like drugs.
With drugs anyone can attest that after you have that first high you have to do
more and more each time to sustain that same feeling. That’s why amounts of a drug
used go from small to large and that’s why bigger, more powerful drugs are sought after
as the addiction becomes worse. It’s not just coincidence; it is solid fact for almost
everybody. Everyone has an addictive personality in one way or another but since we are
all different we all have different strengths and weaknesses.
The lust starts to become stronger and it starts taking more and more to sustain
that feeling you once had looking at the cover of a “Maxim” magazine. It escalates to the
point where you start to experiment and the things you look at start to change and become
much more bizarre than they had ever been. This lust, this hunger continues to grow.
For some men, they need to find new means for relieving tension. Some turn to sex,
others to rape, others to pedophilia. I know it sounds extreme but I’ve seen it with my
own eyes. I’ve seen the obsession grow far beyond an “innocent” little magazine until it
consumed and took control.

That is not what defines a man. A man is not the measure of his things, or the
measure of his thing, or these pathetic substitutes. A man longs for adventure, for
romance, for action. On one of his albums Dane Cook talks about one of his friends that
made the statement: “all guys want is sex.” Dane of course disagrees with this and
continues on to talk about two things that guys would want more than sex. Every guy
would love to own a monkey and every guy would love to be part of a heist. The monkey
thing is self explanatory because monkeys are awesome. They’re easily the greatest pet
ever. What about the heist?
He also talks about how every guy would love to be part of a heist. You know,
get a team together and find your way into a safe or a vault holding great treasure.
Outsmarting other human beings and security systems and maybe even getting into an
intense gun fight. Some great examples of heists are in these movies: “Point Break,”
starring Keanu Reeves; “Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13,” Starring a host of greats including
George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Don Cheadle, Matt Damon, etc. What is it about these heists
that are so thrilling?
It’s actually quite simple, man desires adventure. All of us want that thrill of
danger, that cunning, that epic story. Men, let’s face it, there’s a reason you get a rush
when you’re watching “Indiana Jones” and you get pumped when he does some amazing
stunt that either saves his life, somebody else’s, or gives him the upper hand in battle.
You see, I love Indiana Jones because he encapsulates that manliness, that spirit that we
all long to have. That adventurous spirit that would have us traveling the world and
saving lives and finding treasures, battling great foes and saving our women from the
clutches of certain death. I would however avoid the promiscuity.
Men, let’s be men, let’s look at the greatest role model ever, Jesus, and become
that man that we are supposed to be. It’s time to be that Revolution catalyst that, like
William Wallace, leads the armies to impossible odds with victory as the goal. Jesus was
the greatest Revolutionary of all time because he stood up in front of the greatest of
religious leaders at that time and made the boldest claim anyone could ever make. He
claimed that he was the Son of God. He lived out in the wilderness, and walked into
cities where people were trying to kill him, and he flipped tables over, performed great
miracles on the day of the Sabbath, and stared down demons telling them to “get the hell
out!,” and was whipped, and flogged, and tortured, and nailed up bleeding, and he never
stopped believing in his mission and he never backed down from his claim. However,
you have to beware the dark side of our nature. You have to heed the warnings that Jesus
gave us as far as lust and greed and all that crazy stuff.
 If there’s one ridiculously nerdy thing I’ve done in my life it has been learning
Christian principles from the code of the Jedi. Funny thing about human beings and
human nature in general is that there is a light and a dark side. The light side of human
nature is out spirit lead, compassionate, selfless side. The dark side is full of lust and
greed and selfishness. The dark side is driven by pleasure and gratification. You see, we
learn in the code of the Jedi that a lot of the danger in going to the dark side of the force
is in attachment and selfish wants. Not necessarily wanting things in a negative way, but
just wanting in general. We learn that when we have what it is we desire – that person or
possession – we develop the fear of loss. This thing that we’ve wanted consumes our
flesh and we long only to protect it from being taken away because it brings us pleasure
or gratification. It is a selfish desire to protect that which we possess. This is what led to
the fall of Anakin Skywalker in the “Star Wars” movies. Anakin had won Padme’s love
and married her. Then he began to fear losing her. It was that fear that drove him to
ignorantly following Darth Sidious in an attempt to gain more power to keep her alive.
His fear wasn’t for her sake it was for his because of the loss of his mother earlier in the
series.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t mourn or fear to lose or protect the things around
us, but it cannot be allowed to consume us. I would not protect my significant other –
someday – for what she does for me. I would protect her for her sake so that she may not
experience pain or have her life cut short. That is why I would take a bullet for her.
There are people in my life that I feel it would really take a bullet for. Funny thing is,
there are people that would take a bullet for me. In the end, I hope it doesn’t lead to an
argument if there is a gun pulled on us. That’s silly. Anyways, my death would not be in
vain. I have saved a life and I may have given someone a second chance to redeem their
lives as well. I know where I’m going, they may not know. I think of Tom Hanks’ last
words at the end of “Saving Private Ryan.” In the movie this band of men are looking for
one man because he has lost his brothers and has earned a pass to go home and leave the
war. The whole time the men gripe “is it worth it for this one man.” They lose two of
their men in the process. Tom Hanks’ character maintains that he will carry out his
mission to ensure that this man gets home so he can be that much closer to going home
himself. In the very end Tom Hanks is shot and his last words to Private Ryan are: “earn
this.” I would want those to be my last words because it would challenge the life that I
saved to make a difference in their world.
As men we are meant to fight. We are meant to be the hunters and gatherers, the
leaders of the household. Violence may very well be the answer at some point. The
Bible is loaded with action and war and God calling men to fight for their people or for
themselves or fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. Not to mention – but I’m
mentioning – that oh so special lady in your life, your “damsel in distress,” the Cinderella
that’s just waiting for the day when she gets swept off of her feet.
Men, it is up to us to understand who we are and who we are supposed to be in
Christ. Then we strive to become that man. I’m not saying you’re going to have to be
perfect for her, but we should constantly be striving for excellence in all that we do and
for Christ. Be the man that God has for the woman that God has for you.
 This is a side note that deviates from the main topic but is still relevant to the
main topic. In other words, I got a little too passionate and realized I wasn’t doing any
justice to the title of the chapter:

So many people want to believe that battle is never the answer and we should all
be pacifists but that just isn’t true. That is not our nature. In human nature there is
always going to conflict, especially the conflict between good and evil. It was decreed
our future from the very beginning with the fall. Since then there has been a never
ending struggle for dominance in our world; a struggle for power or a struggle to do
what’s right or what’s good.
America’s involvement in the World Wars is a prime example, especially in
World War II. We were going up against a great evil. This was an evil that was
destroying an entire race of people. I think where our greatest issues with war lay with
interpretation and purpose. As far as World War II is concerned, I understand that there
was conspiracy but there were also attacks on our military base and the eradication of a
race of people that were main motives in war. We had to stop the Nazis. Our current war
in Iraq is a major hot-button issue. I hear a lot of “we’re there for the oil” and stuff like
that. I really can’t refute that but if I may be so bold as to offer my opinion.
I am sick and tired of this lack of support and blatant insulting of our president
and the current war in Iraq. I hear left and right the president getting blamed for this and
that and being ridiculed and defamed as a leader and a human being. First of all, most of
you don’t even know the guy so you shouldn’t be judging him. Second of all, the
president isn’t the sole cause of anything that happens in our country. He may be the
executive but the power in decision making is shared by him, the senate, representatives,
and the Supreme Court. Not to mention that our vote still counts for something. All I’m
saying is that pulling out and not finishing what we started will only be repeating history.
If you don’t believe me then do some research on the war in Vietnam. If we pulled out of
Iraq we would be leaving all of the innocent Iraqis to be slaughtered by the Al Queida
inhabitants. That’s who we’re fighting. Iraqis are defenseless because of the state they
lived in under Sadam Hussein which is another reason we had to go to war. We had to
get Sadam out of power because he was supplying our terrorists, housing them, and he
treated his people worse than you can imagine. He had thousands of them tortured and
slaughtered on a regular basis. They all lived in extreme third world poverty while he
enjoyed some 40+ palaces and great wealth; his people’s wealth.
I was in a deep conversation with a co-worker of mine one day at work. We
talked about the war and why she was opposed to it. As our conversation progressed I
realized that she didn’t have a single fact on the war at all. She knew nothing about why
we were there or what was happening. Her only defense was when a cousin of one of her
friends came home from Iraq he was a different person after the experience. I understand
that it is a jarring experience and people’s lives are being lost but these are men that have
already signed and told their country that they would protect those that needed protection
at the cost of their own lives. Is it that we put soldiers lives at risk. We do the same
thing when we hire and commission fire fighters and Police officers. I don’t see any
difference because the definition is simple: these men have chosen to put their lives on
the line for the sake of others. You spend so much time protesting the war but you waste
them time you could be supporting our troops. Besides, the way I see it, we’re giving
Iraqi citizens a fighting chance to have a revolution of their own. All they need is a
guiding light.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Very early in my journey I sat down at my computer and I did something I

learned at a leadership retreat at school. The idea was to just sit down and write; type
continuously and not pay attention to what I was writing. I would have to clear my mind
of all thoughts and desires, and just let my fingers do all of the work. I know it sounds
weird but it’s really no different than when I write fiction or as I would describe it: when
fiction tells me what to write. What I came up with were three separate anonymous
letters to an anonymous person or being, giving me an in depth look at what was going
on inside my heart at the time.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN (September 27, 2008)

I have reached a point in my life where everything is standing still. If you looked
at my life visually it would be a picture, not a film. The picture is of me, either walking
the street alone with a backpack and no particular destination; or, a picture of me out of
the majority of sightline sitting alone with my computer either working with a creative
flow or sitting in frustration over the lack of imagination going through my mind. I have
truly reached a point where time has stopped. Things go on around me, but I remain still.
I am watching the lives of my friends reach different plateaus. I watch some succeed, I
watch others fail. I have done neither. It is yet to be determined how this frame will end.
Will it end in monumental success, or monumental failure? And it has to be monumental
because the stakes are far too high this time. The stakes will make or break my entire
future. Will I defeat this rut now, or will I live to see a few more years of tribulation
trying to pick up the pieces of my broken dreams? The broken pieces of my life?
I guess now is as good a time as any to tell everyone what it is I have been facing
these past two months because I haven’t been around to show anybody. It’s unfortunate
that I have been brought down this path but I will not let it go to waste, not when there is
so much at stake. What’s at stake? How? Well, my happiness is at stake. My dreams
and my purpose are at stake. They’re at stake because every single I am faced with the
decision of whether or not I should give up. I am face to face destiny not dictating where
I’m going but asking me where I should go. Do I take road A or road B? What will the
whole world look like if I give up? What will the whole world look like if I don’t fulfill
my purpose? Is my purpose to die to cause a change or to live to cause a change? When
I look at this time 10 years from now, will I regret what I did and curse my name, or bask
in the determination that I chose to keep? I honestly don’t know what to do. I thought I
had everything figured out but somewhere out there I feel I was supposed to learn that I
didn’t know a damned thing. That’s something that I realized comes up a lot in my
writing and in my everyday life, but I’m not afraid to say it anymore as I once was. I
simply just don’t know. When I’m asked for an answer and I don’t know then that’s
what I say. One thing I know for sure is that I can’t give up. I don’t know how far I have
left to go but I know how far I’ve come. If I’ve been able to carry and sustain my own
faith this long then what’s to stop me from going the rest of the way.
Where is the revolution? I know that I am supposed to be a part of it, but how?
What am I supposed to do? Where do I belong? I find myself in a place now where I
don’t know where I belong. Do I stay in one place and become more effective there? Do
I move on and find a new place where I can be just as effective? I don’t know where I
belong anymore. Some days it seems certain that one place is the answer; then on other
days it seems certain that the opposite is the solution. I plead with God to just show me
where he would have me, but that would be too easy. I’m wandering for a reason. I’m
wandering because I myself do not know the answer. I’m wandering because I’m
choosing to keep myself in this indecisive place right now. There is no action, no
reaction, no counteraction, there is only this unremitting stalemate that I irrevocably
perpetuate because of some logical variable that confines me within myself. What is the
variable? Is it fear? Do I fear failure or the unknown so much that it causes me to revert
back to this place where I feel safe? That this safety I feel is because it is familiar? Is it
familiarity that I want to perpetuate? I know that in my heart I seek adventure. Maybe it
is failure that I fear? Why would I let that stop me though? I’ve failed before and I got
back up. So it’s not failure. Is it that I feel that God’s plan for me isn’t something that is
going to make me happy? That maybe I feel that somehow God’s plan for me is so far
from what I want that I won’t be happy. But then what do I want? I thought I knew. I
thought I knew what I needed to but it’s obvious that God is trying to show me that I
don’t know. He’s trying to show me that I have to trust him and persevere in this season
to reveal his ultimate plan. I have to trust that God’s plan is better than what I want or
what I think that I need.
Over the past couple of months I have discovered something about myself. I have
discovered that I create my world. What does that mean? It means that somehow I’ve
created this place where what I choose to believe seems like that truth and what I don’t
know is the very thing I desire. I want to be loved; I am loved; I fee like I am not loved.
I want to be liked; I am liked; I feel like nobody likes me. I want to be thought of and
about and remembered; I am thought of and cared about and remembered; I don’t feel
like I’m thought of and cared about and remembered. But what is it supposed to feel
like? Is it supposed to be a feeling or a reaction or something like that? I’ve already
learned that it’s not about feeling God all the time but knowing that he’s there, and God is
love. So I don’t always feel like love is there, and like is there, and care is there even
when I can’t feel it. Nobody was trying to steal my attention. Not everyone was being
fake. These are things that I created in my mind. Things that I chose to believe and pine
about instead of living without the worry that I would ever be happy. If happiness is a
choice then the things that I have chosen to get to me are no different then me choosing
not to be happy. If Paul says that the things he wants to do he does not and the things he
does not want to do he does then I finally understand what he means. I may not be
sinning in the light of that statement but then maybe it is sin all the same. Paul may have
been referring to sin, and yes I still do sin, but my choice to be unhappy is the very thing I
don’t want to do. I want to be happy. I want the image of hope that was given to me two
weeks ago to become a reality. I want that same dream, then, I want to make sure it
comes true.
 So this is where I end up. I am supposed to wait and work for God’s will to exact
its way into my life. I am supposed to keep going down the path that I am going. I know
where that path is leading right now. I know the things that I have to initiate in order to
find the next steps of the journey. So this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to trust
God. I’m going to trust that what he has for me is better than I can possibly imagine at
this point. I’m going to believe that what I want right now is irrelevant and I just need to
keep my sights on God. What I’m supposed to want is God, the rest will happen under
his timing and his control. Is it frightening? Yes, yes it is. It’s frightening because I am
letting go and letting someone else have control. I am choosing to trust in someone else’s
will instead of my own. I am choosing to let my guard down so that God can help me
become what I’m supposed to be. For probably the first time in my life I am going to,
one hundred percent, not worry about tomorrow. I’m not going to worry about
tomorrow. I’m going to live and take care of today. I’m going to make sure that today
ends well and that I accomplished that which needed to be accomplished. When I wake
up tomorrow I’m going to decide to make it a good day, then do it. I’m going to do it
despite what opposes me. I’m stronger than that. I’m stronger than my opposition is
because I don’t fight alone. The day I fight alone is the day that I have given up. I will
not let that day come. I’ve worked too long and too hard to get this far. I have survived
way to much to start believing that I cannot survive another day. And I only need to
make it to the next day. Next week, next month, next year I will work on when it comes.
I’m not completely abandoning planning my future, but I’m coming to the realization that
my future is not set, only my purpose. I have to choose my purpose over anything else,
even if I don’t know what it is. I have to choose God.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN II (November 22, 2008)

Something has been striking me. Something I can’t quite explain; or, maybe I
can. I’m not entirely sure. It would seem so simple to say that it’s just my imagination,
but how much is that statement worth any more. I mean, as far as I know, when it is “just
my imagination” I find out later that I was right and every inclination I had was valid and
defendable. So if I defend my inclinations then I’m really not doing anything wrong or
offensive to anybody, no matter who takes offense. Should I not bring to their attention
how offended I am at what it was they did?
“I’m too perceptive for my own good.” This is a phrase that has become a mantra
in my life. I find that in most, if not all, situations “Occam’s Razor” becomes a prevalent
and sustainable principle with which most of my assessments can be made. Occam’s
razor, simply put, is a middle age philosophy implores that one should never
overcomplicate a hypothesis with a multiplicity of possibilities. Keeping it simple and
maintaining that the most obvious solution is probably the correct conclusion. Using
Occam’s razor as it is philosophically defined I can easily, without complexity, deduce
the meaning and overall nature of any questions I find myself asking in an anomalous
situation. An example of this is a situation I had with a very good friend of mine:
For the sake of anonymity I will call this friends Zero as I do not want to define
identity in any such manner including gender and relation. Zero is not an ironic name in
any way. One of my main issues with Zero had been honesty. It is a running theme with
many of my friends. I can’t stand when people try to soften the blow of whatever it is
they want or need to tell me by lying to me. It doesn’t soften the blow because nine times
out of ten (so far I’m 11 – 0) I have already figured out what it is the person is harboring.
With Zero it ended up being a particular situation they tried to hide from me. I couldn’t
figure out why things had been happening the way that they did but I came to a very basic
conclusion and didn’t over complicate it with possibilities as Occam’s razor would have
me do. I had but two hypotheses; either I was being avoided on purpose, or it was all my
imagination. There’s that phrase again. You can imagine how this situation played out.
So then I face this quandary: “What is it about me that drives people to want to be
dishonest in given situations?” It has become a trend in my life. What makes me as
perceptive as I am is my perspicacious attention to detail. It is a writer’s gift and his
curse. My days and nights are filled with observation. I do plenty of living but I have a
gift for blending in a becoming a fly on the wall; even amidst my friends. I love my
friends, I observe them the most, and they make me laugh so much. Not necessarily
because they are funny so much as human behavior is just peculiar in a lot of ways, my
friends included. Anyways, I was talking about the writer’s curse. We are observers by
nature and we find our source material in the world around us. A writer will write
something using his or her own experiences, observations, and character. The reason I
figure most of this stuff out is because of my attention to detail. I can find the holes in
the lie that is being told. It’s funny, but most, if not all, lies have at least one plot hole in
their design.
Thusly I find myself in a place where everything I hear and see is analyzed for
definition. Stories become just that, stories, whether true or false, explanation or tale.
Any good storyteller will work tirelessly to ensure that there are no defects in their
stories. They will make continuity a great priority. If I’m going to tell a lie, I’m going to
make sure that there are no holes in my plot. The lie will work so as to avoid loose ends
that could be discovered by whomever I have lied to. I don’t make this a practice, but
then again, how would you know? Anyways, usually lies are made up on the spot and
when you’re making up a lie on the spot you don’t have time to worry about plot holes in
your lie. That’s where I come in and figure it out. I’m not trying to sound cocky in any
way, it’s just the truth. I have been baffled and proven wrong before. It is rare but it has
happened.
So, now what? I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to become this
over-invasive jack-ass that prods and pries at people to get the truth. I don’t want to
become somebody who acts on impulse at assumptions either. I don’t ever want to seem
like some kind of cynic that believes that everybody is being dishonest to him all the
time. I’m far from that. What wrecks that aspect of my personality isn’t my fault at all.
The thing that wrecks it are the numerous events and people in my past that have pushed
me into this mode of distrust in the validity of what they say. I try to brush it off but most
of the time it has something to do with me, my character, or my credibility. I don’t think
that it is too much to ask that people just be honest with me. It’s simple, you just tell the
truth. I can’t stand being in this place where I can’t trust the things that even my friends
tell me.
I don’t want to be in this place anymore. I’m sick and tired of trying to hang on
when everything else around me wants to crumble. I’m in this rut where everything
around me means to defeat me and even the things that I’m supposed to do are
surrounded by insurmountable obstacles; and I know what I want and I try to pursue it
but I get knocked on my ass and continue to wonder if I even have what it takes to obtain
it; and somehow me obtaining this thing and reaching this goal is going to make things all
better and give me confidence and make me happy. I don’t know that, I don’t know
whether or not it will make me anything (fill in blank with desired adjective).
I find myself having to sit here alone and type it out because I have nobody to talk
to. I know I have people to talk to, plenty, but no like this. Most, if not all, of anybody
chooses to try to cheer me up or offer some kind of solution to my situation as if I had
asked. I don’t want to seem like I’m bashing these people, I understand that the
intentions are noble, but they are not always warranted. Sometimes I just want to be
pissed off. Sometimes I just want to rant for ten minutes about how much my life is this
swirling torrent of disappointment and hear nothing in response.
Where is that drive that I once had? Where is the motivation I had to become
great? Where is that spark, that fire that fueled me to become everything I possibly could
be and then some? Where is the desire to die without potential, to use up all that I have
and all that I am for the sake of my God and myself? Why am I finding it harder and
harder to believe that God is at work in my life? The evidence is usually there, but in
small doses, and the bigger picture continues to be that which I do not understand. I get
little comforts here and there and make conscious decisions to change; then find that
there are too many obstacles in the way of me exacting the change; obstacles that I can’t
seem to overcome because I don’t have the resources or strength to overcome them.
Basically, having the solution to make a better future, but finding that my disposition
prevents me from doing so.
Is it just me? Others seem to be able to find that small glimmer of hope in my
situation. Are they seeing hope, or just creating it? Do they actually believe without a
shadow of a doubt that my situation will improve, or are they exhorting my spirit with
empty words? Is God speaking through them to me?
That’s it then, isn’t it? I’m stuck in my own labyrinth. I’m wandering because of
me, right? I don’t have a map, I don’t have a cause, I just wander. Is it just me? I can’t
even express emotion right now, or at least some emotions. I haven’t even been able to
weep. I don’t know why. There have been plenty of things happening that could induce
this reaction, but it remains dormant. Why is that? Have I no tears to shed? Is there
nothing in my life worth emoting for? Am I just numb? Have I made myself this way?
Am I making it up to get attention? I don’t think I am. I think I would know if I was, but
then again, there are things about me that even I don’t know; things that other people
seem to know that some tell me and some don’t.
Some don’t tell me but I see it in their stare, in their eyes; I can read their eyes and
decipher their thoughts. I can see when someone is thinking about me and I can even see
how the particular thought makes them feel. The eyes are so much more telling than
anyone could admit, but your eyes display what your heart feels and your head thinks.
Some can hide it better than others, but it’s true for anybody. It’s human.
I’m human, nothing more and nothing less. I have all the characteristics of a
human being and yet sometimes I feel like I’m being robbed of my right to have those.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being robbed of my right to hate or my right to complain or my
right to feel that something that is happening is somehow unjust. I feel like I get
punished for those things, or maybe more that people think I’m being punished for those
things. I’m not the only man to ever argue with God about how shitty their life had
become. I’m not the only being guy in the whole history of the world to ever question his
own faith.
What I’m experiencing is natural. You just have to keep in mind that I never said
I didn’t believe in God or that I didn’t have faith in him. I’m in the midst of an identity
crisis and I’m just trying to figure out where God stands in all of this.
I don’t know, maybe this is all self-perpetuation. Maybe I am at a place where all
of the things I have created in the past are so stuck in my mind that I choose not to
change them. I know that one thing is certain, it persists. Why do I hate myself so much
that I don’t have even the most basic confidence in myself to do that which I desire?

WILLFUL SELF PERPETUATION (December 14, 2008)

The last entry was in fact incomplete due to the fact that things had started to
actually improve and I couldn’t bring myself to revisit because it was over for the time
being. Sorrow is a funny word. Sorrow is defined as a deep distress or sadness or regret,
especially for the loss of someone or something loved. How funny and perfectly defined
for me. Then there’s the word perpetuate, the verb form of perpetual, whose second
definition is “occurring continually; indefinitely long-continued.” So to describe what I
feel as a self-perpetuating sorrow, one would gather that I am personally continuing to
live in this distress, this ultimate sadness.
The worst aspect is that I loathe the fact that things seem so bleak and pointless
and yet I continue to drill in my head that worrying about these things is superfluous
because there are bigger problems in the world than my own personal sorrow. People are
going through bigger things and there is a bigger picture.
It sucks to be in a place where certain things around you seem to revolve around
you and the concepts of coincidence are thrown out of the window because every time I
speculate the results are almost always what I had hypothesized. Not to say that I have
some kind of a divine gift to discern any kind of ill will or askew feelings towards me,
only that my perception and wisdom make it easier for me to see through bull shit. I’m
tired of being lied to and walked all over like I’m some kind of expendable luxury, easily
snared and used until not needed and discarded.
Some people tell me that I’m overreacting when I say stuff like that. I’m not so
sure anymore. I’m not so sure I’m overreacting at all. I find myself at a place where my
allegations have become equitable and there’s no need to bring rationality to bear because
it’s not me that perpetuated these feelings, but rather those that choose to try to
manipulate and ignore for any such reason. It’s not enough to think that people are just
trying to avoid me when all of a sudden a phone is turned off and I can’t seem to get a
hold of anybody that belongs to that clique. It becomes more than coincidence when I
hear hesitation and dismissal on the phone and then find out that later I have been
completely cut off from chance and consequence. It makes me feel like there are things
in the dark that have not been revealed by any such means; that this is more than
coincidence and I torture myself to try to figure out why.
 So I am a useful tool for people. I have become a resource that is in place to
ensure that other people can have more comfortable lives devoid of certain pains and
inconveniences that are unnecessarily erected within them. I don’t want to think these
things and they make me irrevocably bitter but I can’t help but wonder if it’s more than
my imagination. If it wasn’t my imagination in the past, what changes this situation from
others? Am I so damaged by the past that I recycle and resurrect these feelings simply
for the fact that they are familiar and comfortable? Maybe I don’t even do it myself. It
would seem more logical; however, completely irrational. Why would I do that? There’s
more to this than imagination. I know there is. I know because even the times that I’ve
been proven slightly wrong, more of the truth is revealed to me later on. Then I know for
sure that imagination, in its rawest form, is pure perception. It is an insight into the
psyche that I have developed over a lifetime of rejection, willful ignorance, being used,
and being lied to.
It’s not always true and it’s not always the other person’s fault. In fact, it may
very well be their defense mechanisms that counteract or commiserate with mine. I can’t
blame them for what happens, unless they admit that it is there fault. It’s how a just legal
system should work, I can offer no better.
When somebody gives you reasoning for a decision (continued December 15,
2008) you would expect that this particular reason is a resolute fact, right? You see, this
is where things get sticky. All this time I have believed in one truth. I believed that
when it all came down to the very end of the extremely extensive debate that it was a
loyalty aspect that prevented anything from germinating in that particular situation. It
was a way for me to realize that I wasn’t inadequate and the person in question wasn’t
shallow in any way, I just wasn’t him; therefore, loyalty remains. It made sense to me. It
made more sense than all of the other reasons that I had been given. Every other reason
was easily discounted because they were superficial and pedantic; not to mention the fact
that they made me feel worthless and unworthy for companionship of any kind.
So, with all of that said, what am I supposed to think when that long standing
loyalty issue is being shattered because of an untimely change of heart? Believe me
when I first mention that I knew it was complete an utter bull shit to say that loyalty was
the sole reason. It didn’t make sense to hold onto the loyalty in the first place; it was a
security blanket in the first place.
This is how I feel. I feel like my looks are the key defining factor on the subject
of me finding companionship. I know I can change them, but I don’t want to do it for the
wrong reasons. And I find myself starting to change them for the sake of myself and not
others and that’s a good thing. I have no confidence in myself because of the way I look.
I hate it and I hate myself. Every time I find myself attracted to someone I feel less and
less attractive and it hurts because it makes me feel like nobody could ever love me
because of it. Yes I’m changing it, slowly but surely. It has deconstructed everything
that I had ever believed before about companionship. I mean, what kind of people was I
around that taught me that it wasn’t about outer beauty so much as it was about inner
beauty; that it came down to personality and character? What kind of bull shit have I
been fed to believe that? It doesn’t ever seem to be the case. And every conversation
I’m forced to hear about how hot certain guys are and how amazing they are because
they’re hot just drives me farther and farther into this void where I truly and utterly
believe that I will live and die alone because I am worthless. I am worthless because I
am unattractive. I am unattractive because somewhere down the road I stopped trying to
care about myself.
I have always lived in poverty. I have always lived in a place where not all of my
needs could be met all of the time; a place where I developed certain covetous habits that
I have long since broken but habits that seem to spawn a certain bitterness within me that
I have trouble suppressing sometimes. I have decided to plunge head first into a career
that holds so much uncertainty as to whether or not I will have enough money to survive
during seasons. I am heading into a line of work that doesn’t always guarantee a
paycheck and makes security an uncertain thing. What a great way to cap of this feeling
of inadequacy for this is another main issue that seems to pop up and disqualify me from
the race. I personally don’t see this as a problem because I know that it is inevitability
and I know how to counteract this issue. It is not a major issue to me because I have
already made the decision that I, and whoever else is a part of my life, will not go without
ever again. I’m tired of playing the poverty game. Poverty is a choice in its rawest form
and I will fight this truth most of all.
It kills me to think that people judge me by the way I look and the way my bank
account looks and discount me as a worthwhile companion and leave it at that. If this is
all that important then why go through the trouble of forming a relationship in the first
place? Why must everything be so complicated if it’s this simple? Perhaps I’ve
completely missed the purpose of companionship completely. Perhaps people like me
are destined to be alone because of these inadequacies. That’s what seems to be the
ubiquitous notion in our wonderful western society. As long as I’ve got a great body, a
nice car, a satisfied bank account, and a steady job, that’s all it takes to be loved.
Here’s the kicker though; here’s where I throw it back in everybody’s face. LIFE
IS UNCERTAIN. I’ll explain. To tell me that security is uncertain in my health and
career choice is the worst kind of argument. Nobody has security and certainty in their
future. I may live to be eighty and some cute athlete might get taken out in a car crash
tomorrow. I may find an abundance of work where someone else with supposed job
security is fired because the economy takes a nosedive. How many people do you think
lost their jobs recently in our economic nosedive that had excellent job security? Plenty I
assure you. There’s no such thing as job security because none of us are capable of
predicting the future.
I guess when it comes right down to it I have to face the harsh reality that I, along
with every other circumstance, benefactor, and malefactor, have created. I feel like the
reason people don’t call me is because they’d probably have to help me get to the
location that the event is taking place anyway. I feel like the reason I’m losing friends is
probably because things have forever changed. I am not the person I used to be. My
paradigms have shifted. I have been finding this balance between giving and taking in a
relationship. Unfortunately, having always been primarily a giver and a loser, when I
start to have needs, I become an inconvenience to others who aren’t used to it.

Personal Reflections on a Year Forever Frozen in Memory

In one year of our lives we face a wide gamut of different experiences, events,
emotions, and other “e” words and the like. We come to a point where one has passed
and another has just begun and we get the distinct opportunity, whether we take it or not,
to stand back outside of time and reflect on an expanse of time that we have just finished;
an expanse of time we have just lived. Some people do this on their birthdays, others on
the mark of the New Year. I personally enjoy the New Year reflection. It’s such a
wonderful season in our country and world where we have just spent traditional time with
family and friends, honored the birth of our savior, eaten the most decadent of sweets,
and come to the eve of the end of our calendar year and the beginning of another.
It is a beginning, a new beginning, a fresh start, a chance to take into account 365
days of triumphs, disappointments, failures, and successes. It is a chance for some to
resolute to make changes in their lives for the year to come; the likes of which do not
even last to February. The New Year’s Resolution. It’s a chance for the average man,
woman, or child to make a promise to themselves to change some aspect of their lives for
the better; something that was lacking in the previous year. The subject of the New
Year’s Resolution is amusing to me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned this year it’s that
there are four major issues that we create that stunt our spiritual and emotional well-
being; causing us to create barriers and hide our pain. They’re almost like an escape, a
way not to deal with failure.
These four things are general and come in many forms and packages. They are
our unforgiveness, our judgment, our sin, and our vows. Sin is an obvious hindrance.
Judgment has to do with how we deal out our own judgment of other people. Our
unforgiveness has everything to do with the grievances that we refuse to let go and forget
for the sake of moving on and dealing with any of the damages that they caused. Funny
thing about unforgiveness is that a lot of this unforgiveness is our inability to forgive
ourselves; but I’m getting ahead of myself. Vows are my focus right now because it is
essentially what a New Year’s Resolution is. It is a vow, a promise we make to ourselves
on some degree. We say we’re going to lose weight or be slower to anger or do more to
help the less fortunate or some other crazy vow to make ourselves feel better about our
past failures and the prospects of the future. It’s a noble idea but does it really work?
I’m not so sure it does.
Unfortunately it’s not a one time decision that dictates whether or not something
will change. Furthermore, vows are a dangerous solution to personal change issues.
When we make vows we are consciously promising ourselves something, usually
something big. The reason we can’t do this is because we have to be careful what it is we
think we need to change or what it is we think is best for us in general. If I vowed to
never be like my father, yet these issues dominate my thoughts, what do I inevitably
become? If I promise myself to be slower to anger, yet my anger remains the same even
though I may not outwardly express it, who am I damaging the most? In order to institute
a change we know that it takes a daily decision and a daily sacrifice in order for
something to go from one-time decision to a habitual change. People who want to quit
certain things know it can’t be done cold-turkey, or at least a large percentage couldn’t do
it cold-turkey, I know I couldn’t.
So we cross the threshold into another year, a brand new beginning. There’s so
much to ponder. The first question I asked myself was “why did last year suck so bad
even though so many good things happened?” I did a lot of learning and a lot of growing
last year. Mainly in the latter portion, but everything that lead up to that point was
significant. So, I got my heart broken, and my self-esteem shattered, and I had a
complete work and ministry burn-out. I got to the point mid-year where everything
seemed utterly hopeless. It seemed as if I had absolutely nothing to offer and no way to
change my circumstances. I worked continuously. If I wasn’t at school and in class I
was at work, or I was in rehearsal for one of the four shows I worked on last year, or I
was doing homework, or I was at church working with the band on one of my four days a
week I spent there.
When did I sleep? Well, I didn’t do much of that at all. I could honestly say that
when all was said and done I was able to sleep between the hours and 12am and 7am. Of
course, these were my only free hours and I usually didn’t utilize them all for sleep. In
fact, there were few times I did, that homework wasn’t going to do itself. On my free
times with my friends, for the most part, I was helping them with whatever they were
going through. By May I came to a point where I realized I had done absolutely nothing
for myself, and it was showing. I was exhausted and I was unhealthy and I was at my
wits end. My family and I had been kicked out of our house in September 2007 and still
hadn’t found a place to live, still haven’t found a place to live. The stresses were all
building up and when the school year was finally over I had a complete breakdown. I hid
it. I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it, I think I did. I did because it wasn’t
until August when the signs became uncontrollable and my personal life finally started to
leak into the public life I had upheld so well. I was approached by two people who love
me very much and they helped me realize what was going on. I couldn’t hide it anymore.
I wasn’t happy, I was hurting. I couldn’t cover it anymore. I had some major issues and
I never dealt with them. I never dealt with them because I didn’t take the time. I made
myself so busy that I didn’t have to deal with anything; and it came at me full force.
Even the now small amount of time I was spending working in the youth ministry was
becoming too much for me.
That’s when I realized that things needed to change. I was asked by these two
individuals, the pastors Taylor and Joseph, to step down from youth ministry and most of
my service at the church for a short period of time until I could gather the shattered
pieces of myself and put them back together. I graciously, and somewhat reluctantly,
accepted the well needed break. How was I ever going to be effective in ministry if I was
falling apart? They found me a counselor at church and I went into my sessions, for the
first time, ready to be vulnerable and actually deal with my problems. I had no idea what
was in store for me.
I began to realize all of the different things that were happening inside of me to
essentially alter my perception of the world around me. I felt so lonely and unloved and
unable to be loved and rejected. I was broken and beaten and hated myself and couldn’t
forgive myself and didn’t see any future in my life that wasn’t wrought with
disappointment and pain. I saw no hope that anything could change. I couldn’t let go of
all of the things that I needed to let go of. I couldn’t let go of my heartache and it kept
coming up in my relationships. I couldn’t let go of things I needed to let go of and
change because I was afraid of being lonely. I had no more faith. It had been rocked and
exhausted, it was all dried up. I had but a few drops left to see me through until
something changed. I tried to change. I tried to start making changes but it seemed like
every time I made a decision to change something there was something there to hinder
me from carrying it out. It would be the equivalent of somebody saying “tomorrow I’m
going to finally drive out and settle things with my dad,” then having the car break down
the next day. It was ridiculous. I was in this rut that I couldn’t seem to get myself out of.
I was bitter and angry and I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Funny how we get to the point where we think we have everything figured out,
then something cataclysmic happens to slap us in the face and make us realize that we
really don’t know anything. Who are we to ever presume that we know exactly what we
want and put God into this box? We put him into this box and limit what it is we think he
is and should do. Well, that doesn’t last long, believe me. You might find yourself
where I found myself; not really knowing where you’re supposed to go and what you’re
supposed to do.
It was funny that in the midst of all of this I was visiting a new church and the
pastor talked about wandering. Sometimes we find ourselves in a place where we wander
aimlessly because in essence we are exploring the world around us for possibilities we
may have missed the first time around. I have lived in Azusa pretty much my whole life
and I promise you there are parts of it I still haven’t seen. I’ve seen more of it now then
ever before; but, there are still streets I haven’t been down and houses I haven’t seen and
people I haven’t met. It is such a small city and in twenty-two years of life I haven’t seen
it all. Sometimes we wander into silence so that we can hear God’s voice. We listen
because we want him to at least give us the next step in our journey. God has our steps
numbered. He has laid a path before us. He knows we won’t always make the right
decisions but we have a path nonetheless because he knows how we can achieve
optimum results out of our lives. Every step is numbered, ordered. You just have to
remember that you can’t get to step twenty without going down one through nineteen.
We always want our results so quickly but we are unwilling to work towards them. That
was my biggest issue; that is why my heart was broken. I wanted so bad to be with her,
but I wasn’t nearly ready to be in a relationship, let alone with her. I had a lot of things to
work through and change before I should have even considered it. But I didn’t listen and
I didn’t do anything about it. I just took it lying down as if I was the one being attacked.
I left a trail of damage that I regret, but it’s time to move on.
Moving on, a year later and I finally figure out it’s time to move on. I’ve learned
to confront my pain. God has shown me the next few steps to take before I graduate in
May. I know what I have to give up now. It sucks because it means things have to
change now. It means that I can no longer be comfortable where I am. It means that I
have to remove the commonplace drudgery of perpetuated activity that is leading me
nowhere. Will I lose friends, probably; have I already hurt people, regrettably so. I never
intended any of it, but I have to face the consequences of my actions. I have to confront
those I have hurt, if they are willing to talk to me still.
So this is it. This is the year 2009. I am on the fifth of our 365 days and I am
already off to a rickety start. The year ended with a friend hurting me, me possibly
overreacting and hurting them back, and several decisions four months in the making. I
rang it in with some of my closest friends, and started the New Year off worrying if I had
lost one of them. It is my new beginning, our new beginning. It is a chance for us to
change those things that we screwed up in 2008. It is a chance to make changes, no
matter how comfortable or uncomfortable they are. It is time for us to take ownership of
our lives and, with God, endeavor to improve them so we can affect those around us. I
feel the call of the Revolution upon my life and upon this generation. I feel that it is us
who will make a stand against secular ignorance and social injustice; finally looking past
ourselves to make the world a better place for everybody, no matter the cost. People will
die, there will be blood, but with God on our side our power is limitless. It is when we
realize that, which we will be able to act in the will of God for the sake of our world. It
just starts with a choice, at the dawn of a brand new beginning.

Christopher James “Christacular” Richards

IDENTITY CRISIS AND IDENTITY AND CRISIS

If you’re like me and you’re a human being then at some point in your life you
have been in a place where you have no idea who you are or what you’re supposed to do.
You find yourself in the exact opposite position than you were the day before. It usually
has the same formula too. Yesterday I knew where I was going and I knew what I
wanted; I had it all figured out and I had God figured out; I knew what he wanted me to
do. Then something happens. Whatever it is varies in degree of intensity. It could be
something simple or something so jarring that it sends you into a tailspin like no other.
You find yourself broken, beaten, lying on the ground struggling to break the bonds of
the weight that holds you down and you push and you fight and you’re stuck.
Where do you end up? What happened? I had everything yesterday, what do I
have now? It’s like being in the middle of an endless empty room. No matter which way
you run you never seem to be making any progress to change the situation around you.
How did I get here? I’ll tell you how I got there, and the funny thing is the inciting
incident wasn’t even the cause. It certainly was the catalyst, but for some reason it took
me a year before it had finally reached this point.
The inciting incident was being kicked out of my house. It was September of
2007 when it finally happened; the culmination of a six month long battle of preservation
and our defeat had finally settled in. We were given one day to move a lifetime’s worth
of possessions from the security of home to a storage facility on the other side of town.
We worked almost non-stop gutting the house and slowly but surely watching our home
disappeared from existence. I hugged my two dogs that had to be left behind one last
time and set out into what would become the beginning of a great depression no stock
market crash could match; at least for me any way, I have no investments.
I’ve always been one to just kind of bottle my emotions and repress them. I don’t
know whatever drove me to do that other than the fact that they just didn’t seem all that
important to me. It seemed more fitting that I continue to focus on my friends and those
around me while avoiding having to worry about myself. I was afraid to face my pain. I
became quite efficient at hiding my emotions. Most of the time you couldn’t really tell
whether or not I was going through anything adverse at the time because I was carrying
myself as a content person. As long as nobody knew that I was going through anything at
all, I wouldn’t have to be vulnerable, and I could maintain being superman for everybody
else.
There are so many destructive habits that form out of this forced field of
invulnerability. Needless to say, there is a limit that any one person can handle before
something happens to ensure that it is noticed for the purpose of being dealt with before it
grows beyond control.
 I wasn’t happy; I wasn’t content; to be completely frank, I was miserable. I was
hurting so bad. I hated myself, my health was being adversely affected, I did everything I
could to face the real issues because I was afraid. I was afraid of hearing the truth. I
knew what was wrong and knew what would be said and I knew why I hated myself but I
didn’t want to face it. It was better to just slowly decay within my own mind and keep
myself busy enough to avoid any of these things from surfacing. That’s when it
happened. I finally got to the place where it was too much and everything snapped.
Time and time again, in my own life and those around me, I have seen things like
this happen. Not necessarily as drastic as my own breakdown, but there seems to be this
aspect of our humanity that causes us to want to be guarded and individual. We choose
to show now signs of vulnerability. What are we afraid of?
Unfortunately there are so many factors that can cause us to be this way. I had a
lot of trouble trusting people and actually became a pretty cynical person. It was hard for
me to trust because people had failed me so much in my life. I was cynical because I felt
like those below me were just trying to get at what I didn’t have and those above me had
so much more than they needed and just hoarded it for themselves while the rest suffered.
I was suffering because I was in so much pain and I didn’t want to deal with it.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we so afraid to let our guards down
when we need to and just allow God to heal us? There is absolutely nothing wrong with
being vulnerable. You should always be cautious and guard your heart, but there is a
time and a place where it is healthy to express those things inside of you that you hide
from other people. You have to express them and deal with them or they will slowly eat
away at you. Believe me; I know this to be true. The years of hiding my pain and not
dealing with my emotions took their toll. My health was steadily declining. I’m sure if I
had gone on much longer it would have killed me. Sometimes you need to have someone
to talk to, or a journal to write in. Sometimes you need to stand in the middle of nowhere
and scream all of your frustrations out, or actually take the time to weep and grieve and
hurt. I would go for months without emotional release. I could feel it building inside of
me but I continued to suppress it. Then when I was finally able to express it, it would
come out in a torrent, but afterwards I felt so much better. I wasn’t carrying that weight
around anymore.
It’s had to talk to people though. A lot of times, a lot of people seem to all say the
same things or feel they need to interject with advice and a lot of times you just need to,
for the sake of imagery, vomit your emotions all over them. For those who are good
listeners, they will be able to help you with that release so that the healing process can
begin. Just like with sin, it takes open admittance or declaration to start working through
pain and healing the wounds that are left behind.
It is definitely something that is far more prominent with men. Growing up a lot
of us men are made to believe that “boys don’t cry” and that we’re supposed to be tough
and invulnerable to emotion. It doesn’t make you any less of a man to experience
emotions. Who are you honestly trying to impress or trying anyways? Since when was it
tough for guys to be these emotionally distant rocks that watch sports and talk about cars
and drink beer. Not to say that those things are wrong, but they don’t define that man. I
feel as though these stereotypes are just a cop out. We’re copping out of the human
identity that we’ve been given. It’s really just cowardice or fear to create this
stereotypical male bravado. I for one had the bravado of somebody who was extremely
intelligent and extremely confident about that intelligence. However intelligent I actually
was was not the issue. It had everything to do with the fact that I acted so confident
about my intelligence that it became borderline arrogant. Then at times I would cross
that line.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I partake in a good cry. I am secure enough in my
own masculinity that I know I don’t need to compensate for any of it. I know that
dealing with that pain is healthy. I also know that it is not anything to be ashamed of to
ask for help or accept help from others. That was one of the hardest things for me. It was
so difficult for me to approach somebody when I needed assistance. When somebody
would approach me offering assistance I was reluctant to accept for whatever reason.
Call it pride or shame, in the end I learned that when you take away someone’s chance to
be a blessing to you, you take away that chance for them to be blessed. It is an act of
worship to help someone out. Who are we to prevent anybody from being able to
worship their God in a sacrificial means?
We were meant to live in community. We were meant to be interdependent. We
were meant for fellowship. Think about God and the trinity. We know that there are
three aspects of God’s character that harmonize in perfect fellowship. They are three
entities but they are one being. That’s fellowship in its most perfect form, unity. Where
we cease to be a group of individuals and start to function as one body, one being.
It almost seems like a contradiction to say that we should live as one unit and yet
maintain individual identity, but the two concepts work together quite beautifully. I have
never really been an advocate of group identity in that most of the time cliques or groups
tend to gain their identity by the majority of its members being very similar in behavior,
interest, etc. Not that that is a bad thing; however, a good percentage of those people
may just be taking on an identity regardless of their true personality. I was part of a
group that I really didn’t fit into at all. Was it apparent that I didn’t fit in? I wasn’t
apparent for a great period of time. It wasn’t apparent because I sounded like them, I
dressed similarly to them, I was around them as much as I could be; and yet, my true
identity was nothing like them, well, not as similar as it seemed.
To be a unit is to work together through anything. To maintain individuality is to
remain the person you are and work in the capacity that suits you. You’ve heard it
spoken all the time that all the parts of the body have their specific purposes and
functions. An eye can’t say it wants to be an ear, and an arm can’t say it wants to be a
leg, that’s just a freaky looking person. When everybody remains within the bounds of
their personality and their function, everybody can work together at a greater capacity.
More can be accomplished because there would be no conflict amidst its parts.
I had to realize a long time ago that though there were functions I wanted to carry
out in ministry, some of them were just not for me. I got chances to do them, and didn’t
fail; however, it really wasn’t a good fit for me.
We do spend our lives trying to figure out who we are though. We go through
trial and error, success and failure and we attempt to get a handle on how it is we were
built and for what purpose were we built for. So much nowadays we have these
opportunities to define who we are. I came to a realization one day when I was first
setting up a profile on “myspace.com.” On the profile is a section titled “about me.” In
this section you give a brief overview of yourself. You can write anything in that section
that reflects your personality in any way. It’s interesting sometimes to read what other
people write about themselves. Whether or not the information that is presented is
accurate to actual character, looking beyond the words to how they are presented can give
great insight into a person’s character.
This is what I have written currently on my “Facebook.com” profile. “I laugh, I
love, I live. I love to laugh and I live to laugh. I love people, I love my friends, I love my
family, and I love my God and my Savior. I love to learn and I love to discover. I spend
as much time participating as I do observing. I love to learn about people, watching their
interactions, studying their dynamics, and writing, I love to write. The more I learn about
people, the better my writing gets. I love to perform and I love attention (probably a little
too much) I love being a nerd. I can reference any movie I've seen since 1995 and do so
on a regular basis, unfortunately, the references are often obscure but to a select group
of my closest friends. I am a sci-fi geek and most recently a born again "trekkie," and like
Dr. Parham (quoted above) I do indeed let my Freak Flag fly. So if you're in the mood
for ridiculous spontaneity, obscure quotes and references, repetitious and often useless
but fun facts, and a possible adventure for no reason, just give me a call.”
It’s pretty straight forward. It’s the basic overview of my usual public display of
character. There’s nothing there that would really give depth to my character. I mean,
you can infer innumerable amounts of things from what I’ve written. I think I’m a major
nerd, I think I’m hilarious, I constantly try to surround myself with people, I have a great
memory for little details, I am a wealth of things you don’t really need to know, to name
a few. Doesn’t make them any less or more true; however, it’s what I have chosen to
broadcast about myself amidst the advertisement that is my profile.
That’s all it really becomes though; an advertisement. It is another medium of
consumerism where instead of watching a swirling torrent of products and fads we are
becoming the product ourselves. Then of course we invariably leave ourselves open to
all of the negative characteristics of this world like cyber-stalking and the horrid acts that
can follow. It’s not enough to say that you’re being careful anymore because if there’s a
technology there’s somebody that knows how to crack it, and if there’s one stupid little
mistake on your part, you can be left open to some serious consequences.
Of course, if I bring it up then chances are I have experience in this area. It’s not
really what you think though, I wasn’t attacked or anything. I received a phone call one
night from an old friend from school. Now, I had never given this guy my number
before, but he called out of the blue. When I asked him how he got my number he
mentioned that it was on my “facebook” home page. What?! I had my home phone
number displayed on a public access profile. I couldn’t believe that I had been so
careless. I removed it immediately. You never know what someone can be capable of
when they have information like that. With a phone book you can figure out where
somebody lives if you have a number and a name, or find somebody’s number if you
know where they live. Then what from there? Wait until they are more careless and get
other information. Identity theft is not a difficult thing to do these days. Thank goodness
so many banks and financial groups are making it easier to fight it.
But escalation is always an issue in the criminal underworld. Much like Gordon
described it at the end of “Batman Begins.” “We buy semi-automatics, they buy
automatics; we use Kevlar, they buy armor piercing rounds; and you’re wearing a mask.”
It was obvious that Gordon was referring to the type of crime-fighter Batman was, and
the type of super-criminal it might attract. This ended up being depicted in “The Dark
Knight;” where this escalation hit full circle when Batman met his greatest challenge, and
this is no different than what happens in our own universe. Criminals will consistently
evolve to match, if not, excel past the things that are put in place to stop them. It’s why
people can still get away with things despite the amazing advances in forensics, satellite
and tracking technology, etc.
So I’m trying to figure out what got me on that insane tangent but it’s good
information all the same. My point is simple, your identity is so important. Who you are
is something that you should not only diligently strive to figure out, but it is something
that you should “display” in your daily life. You should never be afraid to be yourself,
no matter what those around you think of it, because despite whatever hang-ups they
have about you, you were created in the image of God just as they were. That means that
the God, the creator of the universe, the same God that made the majestic mountain
ranges and the sparkling bodies of water, the twinkling stars and the whole brilliantly
colored expanse of the universe also made you. Why would ever believe that the God
that made all of that majesty and beauty made you to be less revered or less beautiful?
It’s almost like putting God into a box or calling him a liar or accusing God of making
junk. I know my God doesn’t make junk. I see the beauty of all creation and rest assured
in that. The image of God is within all the beauty of nature and it is within each and
every one of us.

CHANGE FOR A TWENTY-TWO

So here I am. I’m sitting on the threshold of what I feel to be the great eruption of
change from a magma chamber of complacency and comfort that has been building up
for a great long while. Even when I made the transition into college; there were still so
many aspects of my life that had not fully changed making those transitions a lot easier to
deal with than whatever seems to be happening now. I can’t imagine why this
transitional period seems to be hitting harder than any other. It certainly doesn’t
abstractly physically carry more weight than the others. Yet I find myself having a great
deal of struggle letting go of certain things and allowing them to change. Almost as if I
had been holding onto them longer and harder than anything else that I’ve lost or changed
since my first month in high school.
My first month in high school was a huge transition because that is when I started
attending church consistently. Not to say that I fully became a Christian in that time, but
I gradually started to develop some sort of faith at that point. My graduation of high
school, the loss of a good portion of my friends, and the transition into college was pretty
intense. I spent the summer not knowing how I was going to make college work
financially and slowly losing contact with people. I made it through that by only the
grace of God and his ability to perform miracles. Now I’m on the verge of reaching my
graduation here but I’m getting ahead of myself.
In 2007 I went through a drastic change in the place that I was living. After the
first of the year I had to move out of my room into the living room because my room had
become uncontrollably taken over by mold, water damage, and various rodent pests. The
whole house was no better but my room got hit hard. That entire side of the house was in
dire need of major repair work that our landlords declined to appropriate; so instead they
decided to just kick us out. We fought a bitter battle and on the first day of September
were bitterly defeated. In a span of approximately thirty to forty hours (I wearily lost
track) my family and I moved all of our worldly possessions out of the house taking them
either to storage or to a motel room in which we still reside to this day. That day I had to
say goodbye to my two dogs. I still don’t know what happened to them; we had to leave
them behind. I can only hope that they were handled correctly and not hurt in any way. I
really miss them.
So this brings us to present day Christacular. In August I had to make the
heartbreaking transition from working in youth ministry. By the first of the year I
realized that there were a thousand other things that needed to be dealt with; things that I
had put of changing because I was afraid. I was afraid because it meant cutting off
friendships and activities which fed my greatest fears of being alone and with nothing to
do.
This whole transition really began as I tried to prepare myself for the departure of
my best friend to the Navy. I knew that at the point that he left nothing was going to be
the same. For years he and I had been the dynamic duo and we had our social circle and
spent mammoth amounts of time together; a crime fighting force, without the crime
fighting, to be reckoned with. I knew that I had to move on from those days. I knew that
it would mean that many things would change; and those things are changing. They’re
changing but I’m still holding onto what I can and it’s killing me. I have to be able to let
go regardless of fear; even if it means that I’m along for a little while.
I have to learn to operate outside of my fear and limitations. Fear is one of those
things that can keep you from so much. Fear keeps some people from even leaving the
house. Could you imagine? I can’t imagine being pinned up in the house for a period in
excess of twenty-four hours, let alone years. Why do we fear change? It’s definitely not
comfortable; not in the least. For some of us that day realizing everything is going to be
different hits like a freight train because for whatever reason our path has taken us to the
tracks and a fork in the road follows that moment of realization.
Again I stress the importance of operating outside of your fear. Fear is probably
the most crippling of the human emotions; in fact, I am going out on a limb and saying
that it is, it is the most crippling of the emotions. Fear causes us to act outside of reason
and logic in many instances. Think about the last time something frightened you. When
you were frightened your body’s natural reaction was to release adrenaline into your
heart increasing your heart rate and preparing your body or fight or flight response. At
that moment, you almost instinctively act in some manner without really being cognizant
of what you are doing. I feel that in the same way our fear can affect our long term
response systems and overall decision making ability. For instance, your fear may
actually be causing you to choose outside of God’s will or good favor because that
particular option may lead down a terrifying path.
So, in essence, your logic is stunted by this fear of the unknown or something
else. If Indiana Jones knew there were snakes in the chamber housed the Arc of the
Covenant he may have been prompted to stay back for fear of the impending encounter
with the fearsome reptile. However, instead of letting this fear keep him from the
greatest of archaeological finds, he swallowed his fear and entered the chamber anyways.
How many Arcs could we have discovered by now if we didn’t allow fear to sway our
decisions? How many adventures would we have had, or memories could we have
created; how many things would be different in our lives, maybe even better, if we didn’t
give into this fear?
An old adage goes: “look before you leap.” I wonder how imperative that
concept is. I wonder if you should always look before you leap. Sometimes you might
actually be prompted to leap in faith, not knowing what you’re leaping into. Perhaps if
you saw what you were leaping into you would hesitate and destroy the purpose of
whatever it is. It’s always good to be cautious, but caution and fear cannot co-exist.
There has to be a clear distinction between the two or else situations will be
overcomplicated.
I prefer: “only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” This was a line in Franklin D.
Roosevelt’s inaugural address in 1933. This phrase speaks volumes as to how we should
handle fear. We need only fear that fear may take over. We may only fear it so that we
can prevent it from taking over. Out of our fears can be bread strength. Strength built by
the courage it takes to overcome those fears; fortitude built up by the ability to change
and to adapt.
Adapting always seemed to be one of my greatest strengths. In fact, when I took
a strengths finding survey for a class my freshman year at APU it was indeed one of my
five greatest strengths. My others were “developer,” “winning others over,” “ideation,”
and “connectedness.” With this great ability to adapt I have been able to seamlessly
move my way in and out of social situations without having to have let on who I really
was. It was my ability to adapt that made so many of the transitions in my life so much
easier on me than they were on my family or my friends. If I had to move across the
country next week I would be anxious but I would adapt very quickly. I’ve never had
culture shock. I couldn’t be put off by different customs and cultures. The only time I
ever really experienced anything close to culture shock was going to church. Here was a
place where so many of the customs and actions seemed to horribly contradict my
character. Did this stop me from going? No, it didn’t, as many of you know; however,
just like everything else I found a spot to quickly adapt and blend in with the
commonplace function.
What is so difficult about this then? Why am I finding it more difficult to
transition now? Why can’t I just adapt like before? Well, the answer should be quite
obvious. This is the first time I’ve gone into a major transition with fear; furthermore,
it’s the first transition I’ve gotten into since my family and I were kicked out of our
humble house. I’m afraid. I don’t want things to change because I really liked the way
things were going. I was happy with where my friendships were and doing the same
thing every week, regardless of whether or not I was even having fun. Everything was
familiar. Not everything has to go or change drastically in any sense or degree; but
things will be different. Things will be different and that’s okay, because I know that
things to come will be just as great as the memories that I get to keep from the twenty-
two years I have walked this Earth.

COGNIZANT DISOBEDIENCE

How far is too far? Is there a line? Who determines where that line is drawn and
the circumstances that signify a direct violation of the line? A line, it is a one-
dimensional representation of a barrier, a border, an un-traversable symbol that gives us
discipline in a figuratively mathematical sense and keeps us from crossing into unknown
or undesired territory. Lines figuratively divide some of the great philosophical and
intangible concepts of our humanity; genius and insanity, love and hate, obedience and
disobedience, morality and immorality, and so on and so forth.
There is “a thin line between love and hate;” a ubiquitous and somewhat cliché
expression representing the extreme sensitivity that both love and hate hold
characteristically. Meaning that these particular, conditional, concepts are easily
compromised. It would be no easier to step over an actual line than cross the line
between love and hate. I think that really speaks volumes to us as human beings. Is our
love so conditional and sensitive that it can be broken so easily? Do we really have a
good understanding of love if it is indeed this easily compromised? No, the answer is no,
plain and simple. It is my belief that we really don’t understand love at all. We might
begin to learn and understand certain facets of it; but there are so many facets and so little
potential for complete understanding. For even the most selfless love among human
beings is still subject to compromise and corruption.
Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines love as: “1. (1): a strong affection for
another arising out of kinship or personal ties; (2): attraction based on sexual desire:
affection and tenderness felt by lovers; (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence,
or common interests; 2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion; 3a: the object of
attachment, devotion, or admiration, b(1): a beloved person : darling —often used as a
term of endearment (2)British —used as an informal term of address; 4a: unselfish loyal
and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1): the fatherly concern of God for
humankind (2): brotherly concern for others b: a person's adoration of God; 5: a god or
personification of love.”1 It is a noble attempt to define something so complex. I love
the way that the Greek language used different words for love, instead of the one. In the
Greek the four words used are: “eros,” “agape” “philia,” and “storge.” Now, I’ve never
been the best supporter of “Wikipedia;” however, when I saw these definitions I was
most pleased with each of them. Eros “is passionate love, with sensual desire and
longing; the Modern Greek word ‘erotas’ means ‘(romantic) love.’” That’s where we get
the term erotic from. Philia “means friendship in Modern Greek, a dispassionate virtuous
love; it includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality
and familiarity.” I have also heard it defined as a brotherly love; where Philadelphia, the
city of brotherly love, got its name. Agape “can be described as the feeling of being
content or holding one in high regard. In biblical literature, its meaning and usage is
illustrated by self-sacrificing, giving love to all--both friend and enemy.” This is
definitely a word common in Christian circles. Finally, Storge “means "affection" in
modern Greek; it is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring…almost
exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family.”2
But, what is love? God is love. What does that even mean? We say it but do we
really know. We know what love looks like and we know what actions love initiates.
We know that it was love that drove Jesus to die for us. We know that it is love that
drives us to risk our lives for the sake of others; or act out in any selfless manner.
Amazing isn’t it? Yet, it’s still horribly conditional. Sometimes we may find ourselves

1
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/love
2
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love
assessing whether or not the person in question is worth any risk. We hesitate when
asked the questions: “would you die for this person?” or “would you do this for…?” I’m
not advocating that we not hesitate, only to examine why it is we hesitate. Is there value
on life? Is this a variable value or is there equality? Jesus knew that there was no one
greater than anyone else when he went to the cross. All persons were charged and
forgiven equally. Could we ever really get to the place where there would be no
hesitation in our response?
In the description of “Agape” it was mentioned that the love applied to friend and
enemy alike. Love our enemies? What about dying for our enemies? If it came down to
it and you had to make a tough decision, would you charge that person differently
because of something they did that perhaps wronged you? Would that be the basis of
your assessment? I mean, I’m sure that there are other factors that should be plugged into
the equation. Should value of life be one of them? Is a criminal any less value than
someone who has led a seemingly spotless life? The answer is no. If we are striving to
be Christ-like then the answer is irrefutably no.
One of the most perfect scenarios I’ve witnessed happened in the movie “The
Dark Knight.” During one of the final conflicts of the movie the National Guard has
loaded two Ferries; one with citizens and the other with criminals. The Joker has rigged
each ship with enough explosives to disintegrate them. The twist is he has left the
opposite detonators with the crews and given them the task of deciding whether to use the
detonators to spare their own lives. On one hand the citizens debate whether to pull the
trigger because the other boat carries only criminals; on the other hand the criminals are
human beings too and share the same desire to live. I don’t have to tell you how it ends.
What decision would you have made? Is your life any more or less valuable depending
on which Ferry you are on? In my opinion, regardless of color, creed, or past we are not
in any position to make that decision.
Judging makes things messy; judging others, judging ourselves, judging God.
What makes judgment so messy is that it is almost one-hundred percent, if not
completely, subjective. Any judgment we have on something will be based on our own
personal bias. Let’s face it, that’s the reason there are opposing political views, different
religions, various styles and genres of music, everybody holds a personal bias of some
sort. You’re opposing political views can affect your decisions in some way shape or
form. You’re personal preferences can affect your decisions or you personal convictions.
Whether or not the decision is absolutely right is irrelevant because to you the decision is
fair. One thing we all have to realize is that there will always be opposition to whatever
bias we have.
I believe that this fallacy is what breeds most of the ridiculous conflict amidst our
social and political life; the fallacy that our opinion is fact or infallible. This of course is
not true. There are probably things that I have written previously or things to come that
you don’t agree with and that’s fine with me. I don’t take your opinion as a personal
attack I take it as a fact that you are not me and hold different viewpoints. That doesn’t
mean that what I have to say shouldn’t be taken into consideration. In the same way,
what you have to say should be taken into consideration as well. If we all took the time
to be open-minded there would be less conflict and more understanding on the whole.
We need to realize that everybody is different. You can’t take offense to other’s opinions
and you can’t try to force your opinions on anybody. Being open-minded means you take
other opinions into consideration. You take into account that they might actually have a
good point. It’s the only way we can truly figure out who we are and what we believe in.
Conforming to a specific dogma without chance for consideration is foolhardy and
irrational. How can there be one specific uniform truth in a world with so much
ambiguity? Well, there is one truth. More accurately, how can you claim to know the
one specific uniform truth when the world is so ambiguous? If you could honestly say
that you do know the one truth then there would be no reason for faith.
Let’s face it, we can’t possibly know; however, we can have faith that what we
choose to believe is the truth. I have faith that choosing to believe in God is the right way
to go. I have thought and read and prayed and everything else and this is where my heart
is being led. To me it is just more logical to believe in a creator. To me this creator is
benevolent and has a perfect love, a love that is unconditional and not forced in any way.
I believe that over the course of history of the world there have been workings made to
express bits and pieces of God and these writings give us a glimpse into God’s character
and the most beneficial way to live. I believe that this God did send his son down to
earth to be human and to take upon himself the very sins of humanity to reconcile us with
our God. I believe that the complexities and beauty of creation are the best evidence for
our God. I believe that you can see and hear God through his creation; whether it be a the
words of a fellow human being, the sounds of the wind rustling the leaves of a tree, the
gentle rushing of water in a stream, the sound of the waves hitting the ocean shore, the
majestic howl of a lone wolf overlooking his domain, the birth of a child. I am taken by
those images, I am taken by their beauty (well, childbirth isn’t the prettiest sight I’m sure,
but a beautiful miracle nonetheless), I am overwhelmed by it. I am overwhelmed by a
God of limitless power and even more limitless love. I am overwhelmed that I am even
worthy to be in his presence no matter how horribly disgusting my thoughts have been or
how completely disobedient my actions have been.
Have you ever just laid back and looked at the stars? Have you ever stood at the
edge of a cliff and seen the curvature of the horizon? Have you ever heard the soft
melody of the blades of grass flowing so gracefully in the wind? Have you ever just
watched a squirrel scavenge for food? It’s incredible! Have you ever taken the time to
watch the sun set, and I mean really watch it set, not letting anything else distract you?
There is such majesty in watching the sun set. There is so much beauty in the myriad
spectrum of color; the shade of the clouds; the three-dimensional backdrop of pure
serenity. I couldn’t imagine taking in any of that and not seeing God. Each aspect of
creation seems to carry its own means of worship. I feel like the rocks do have a voice
that cries to God. I know it’s a Biblical personification but there is a melody that nature
carries, audible or inaudible. A still small melody of creations beautiful love song to its
God. It’s refreshing isn’t it; to let the wind carry the voice of creation through your hair?
Isn’t it refreshing to let the rain caress your face and cool your body and coat you with
creation’s wonder? This is the world that I live in.
The world holds so much beauty and yet there is so much pain around us; people
crying out to a God trying to make sense of the injustice in their lives. People who cry
because they do not understand why a just God can let so much evil run rampant through
this world, ravaging his creation. He doesn’t though; he doesn’t allow evil to persist, we
do. We who have chosen to embrace independence and freedom. We who have chosen
to allow evil to gain foothold in our own desires to control the world around us. God
loves us. God truly loves us and is heartbroken by our pain. It breaks his heart when he
hears us cry out. It breaks his heart even more when we blame him for what happens to
us. It’s not his fault. He doesn’t decide to let evil prevail, we do.
God gave us the ability to choose, which is why love is so powerful and so
important. We have the ability to choose and we choose to try to have control for
ourselves. And with our independence we disobey. We choose things over God because
they provide some tangible sustenance that keeps us meagerly functioning through our
lives. It’s the equivalent of trying to function one-hundred percent on twenty percent of
the energy; then trying to compensate for that energy with some manufactured stimuli. It
doesn’t work, not for long anyway, and it’s horribly unhealthy. It ravages your body and
you slowly decay, slipping further and further into despair until you finally give out.
This is not the life we were intended to have. We are to live the life that God lays out for
us and work our damnedest to see it to the very end. And what is the end? The end is
our passing from this world into eternity. The end is being side by side with our God,
worshipping him in all of his glory. No more pain, no more suffering, no more death.

365 COMPLETE REVOLUTIONS A YEAR

So what is it going to take? What will be the downfall of ignorance? When will
individualism be replaced by interdependence? When will communities function on a
bacterial level? And I know that sounds weird but think about it. Communities of
bacteria or other single celled organisms function as a community. They are mutually
beneficial symbiotic organisms that work together to ensure the survival of one another.
Where else would theories of adaptation and evolution come from? It’s not crazy to
imagine that these things that function as well as our bodies, though remaining
independent, could form a functioning body. It’s wrong, but it’s still a fascinating notion.
They may not be conscious of it, but it still works.
Maybe that’s what it is. If a being is not capable of conscious thought, self-aware,
or capable of thinking about itself; then, it can play nice with others. Not to say that we
are incapable, just that there are other factors that come into play when you start dealing
with consciousness and humanity. But that’s a no-brainer, we all knew that.
“Ignorance is bliss.” That’s what people say. They say that if they don’t know
about it and it’s not affecting them, then what’s the point in worrying about it? And why
should we worry about it? We have enough in our lives as it is to be worrying about the
world around us or the people in it. Apathy has got to be one of the most common and
disgusting aspects of our society as a whole. We live in a culture where we say things
like “ignorance is bliss” and choose to look the other way if it has nothing to do with us
or we are not able to obtain any benefits from it. It’s asinine to believe that just because
it doesn’t affect us on the surface; it’s not anything worth making any conscious effort to
pay attention to. Do we really believe that all life is separate from one another and that
harmony can exist with just one part?
Harmony in nature is built upon every cell, every being, every system and
function working together and singing their part. When one part stops functioning, it
compromises the entire system. We are all connected in some way. The world is a
network of communities and systems. You are connected to people that you’ll never
know or never meet, but their lives are no more or less valuable based on whether or not
you know them or have met them.
But that’s it isn’t it? If a body had six billion parts it would be harder to notice
the loss of one; but, there has to be something more to it than that. When the body is
working, and the cells are functioning properly, then it’s easy to imagine that the loss of
but one cell would not be a devastating loss, or even a noticed one. What about two
cells? Ten? Considering the fact that there are millions of cells in the period at the end
of this sentence, I’m pretty sure the impact is not felt. There are approximately six and a
half billion people on the face of the planet; a body of six and a half billion working
parts. What if ten thousand were affected? Ten million? That’s about the population of
Portugal. What about a hundred million? That’s about the population of Mexico. Three
hundred million? The United States. A billion? India.
What does all of that mean? It means that, yes, there are points where affect on a
body is not noticeable; but when larger portions are affected it becomes apparent that the
body is suffering. The body of Christ is suffering. And I don’t mean that Christ himself
is suffering per say; but the body of his creation is suffering tremendously. It’s not just
one million or ten million any more; it is billions. Do you realize that people living in
poverty in America – which I’m pretty sure the poverty line is marked around an annual
income of 25,000 dollars or so – are in the top ten or twenty percent of the world?
Poverty! That means that some of the poorest of our country are still far wealthier than
half the world.
Sure, most of us are nowhere near affected directly by this, but what about our
calling to be light in the world? So much or our world is in darkness. There is so much
pain and suffering and I sit back and I wonder what it would take for me to be a light in
the world in some way. I wonder what it would take to bring even a little hope in the
bleakest of places. And I know that we still have our own lives and our own concerns
and believe me I have them too. I sit back and wonder how I’m going to survive when I
graduate college in three months, and yet, I still feel as though I have a responsibility
outside of my own life to make something happen.
The world is such a twisted place and hope is frail. Women and children are
being sold into sex slavery, men being ravaged by one another’s hatred, hunger, disease,
pain, evil. What is man to do against such rampant disorder if he cannot stand as one?
What can a body do to protect itself if all of its parts aren’t functioning the way they’re
supposed to? I know that we can’t solve all of the world’s problems and I understand
that as long as there is choice there will be the duality between good and evil; but that’s
no excuse for total apathy. Even the smallest amount of hope can mean more than all of
the accomplishments that can be made by remaining independent.
It’s not a war or an uprising; it’s a simple matter of standing up against the
common fold for what you believe in. It’s making a cause for Christ and making him
center of the world. I believe that it is Christ that should be the center. I have lived many
years knowing that despite all that has gone in my life there is one constant that has given
me the strength to bear through and grow stronger in the process; and that is Christ. I
look at the world around me and though I haven’t seen God physically manifested or
even fully felt his presence, I know that he is there within his creation and reflected by it
as well.
 Christ was a Revolutionary. I mean, just sit back and think about his life. The
man stood up against all that had been in place for thousands of years - the entirety of the
Judeo tradition – and claimed to be the son of God. He taught in the face of the greatest
of the “men of God” that their doctrine was no longer necessary because he was there to
bring a sword, descend into the very depths of hell, take back the keys to heaven, and
give us all – Jew and Gentile, Buddhist, Muslim, Atheist – a chance to die and live
forever in the presence of the creator. We don’t have to sacrifice our animals or torture
our bodies; we don’t have to spend our lives in silence or celibacy; we are made worthy
to be in God’s presence just as we are; defiled, broken, prideful, yet beautiful, and made
with purpose. Jesus came and tore down the walls of dogma because he knew that
everyone came from different experiences and backgrounds. He dined with sinners and
hung out with the most rejected of their society even though it was considered to be
completely against all Jewish law. Despite what everybody said in opposition to what
Jesus was doing, he stood his ground and made it very clear that despite opposition things
were going to be different.
He did it for you; he did it for me; he did it for the weakest, most rejected; he did
it for those we love and those we hate; he did it for all of us. Who am I that I would be
worthy to even think about God let alone be allowed into his presence to give what little I
have as a human being to worship? Who am I to ever question what he does in my life
when I don’t even know what I want or what I’m doing? Who am I to question if he’s
there when I’m still alive and am given another breath, another word, another day of life.
He died for us; he bled for us; he endured the kind of horrific pain that was set aside for
the worst of criminals. He was beaten and mocked; his flesh was ripped and torn; his
very life taken by the people he was there to save. He hung on a cross next to criminals
and still managed to tell God that it was his will that was important. In his last breaths he
even asked God to forgive us! Who are we to ever turn our backs on him? Who are we
to ever judge him for the things that happen to us? Who are we to love him conditionally
when his love for us made it worth enduring all of that?
He was a revolutionary. He showed us that it’s okay to stand up for what we
believe in despite any opposition because we have been given the power to do so. We
have been given the ability to think and choose for ourselves; and yet, we try to separate
ourselves and have control over our own universe. I learned a long time ago that no
matter how much of a handle I feel like I have over my life, I have absolutely no clue
what is truly best for me. I learned a long time ago that I am part of this world and even
though I have my struggles I have the power to endure with plenty left over to be there
and help others endure as well.
God’s power is limitless. He gave us this power. All God asks is that instead of
trying to run everything ourselves or do only those things that benefit us we use the
power interdependently and affect the world around us. We are all given responsibility in
each other’s lives. Something I do affects somebody else, even if I don’t know it.
I worked in youth ministry for four years as a volunteer staff member. In that
time I learned that your life is in so many ways connected to the lives around you and you
don’t even realize it most of the time. I would arrive on a Sunday morning and talk to
students who said they saw me at some point during the week. What kind of effect would
I have had if I was doing something contrary to what I taught them on a Sunday morning
or at small group? What kind of example would I have been; and more importantly, what
would have become of them if they were somehow adversely affected by my example.
My pastor always said that he didn’t see anything wrong with enjoying a casual drink
with a meal or something because the Bible advises against drunkenness but even Jesus
drank wine. He didn’t see anything wrong with it yet he did not do it himself. His reason
for it was solely based on the fact that he was not always aware of who was around him
and did not want to display the wrong example to somebody who may have an alcohol
problem. What am I saying to a student if I tell them about the evils of something and
turn around and do it? More so than that, what if they themselves struggle with that
particular issue?
We affect the world around us no matter what and are connected to everything in
some way. That is a great power; a power that when used properly can have the potential
to change the world positively and give birth to life and hope.
When Karl Marx wrote the “Communist Manifesto” he talked about an uprising.
The essential foundation Communism is built upon is that of the oppressed Proletariat
(working class) rising against the few over-privileged noblemen and monarchs and taking
back society to rule it as equally as possible. Essentially, the wealthy would be
“outsourced” and eliminated so that all could enjoy an equal opportunity at life without
the bars of a class system; especially one rank with poverty. I’m sure that you can see
where some of that may work in theory but at what cost. In order to stand up against
injustices that he saw, Marx concluded that the unjust must pay for it with their lives. He
stood up against what he felt were gross injustices to the people he identified with.
What a radical approach; to say something so bold and outside common barriers
because you truly believe something. What if we had the tenacity of Karl Marx or Adolf
Hitler; Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr., Paul? What if we had the tenacity of Jesus
the Christ? These are men that not only stuck to what they believed in; they are men that
caused some of the largest and most influential movements in our history books. Men
that even after thousands of years can be talked about as if they lived fifty years ago.
Now, before I lose you in the mention of Marx and Hitler I may reference the notion that
I never made mention of the benevolence or malevolence of any movement. To be fair, I
wouldn’t discount the impact of such movements despite their adverse affect on our
world. Yes, many people suffered in these times, but it goes to show the power of a
single individual in the whole of the world.
Imagine, being able to lead the whole world in a movement such as these.
Leaving a lasting impact that affects generations. And I’m not talking about genocide or
proletariat revolution; I’m talking about social revolution. I’m talking about that
revolution where we as Followers of Christ rise up and take the mantle that our
generation is called to take. Any one of us can have the power and to say we don’t is
grossly disproved by the evidence presented in the previous paragraph. If these men
were able to rise up and make as huge an impact as they did than what is it that truly
limits us from doing the same?
We truly are our own worst enemies. We have all the power we’ll ever need and
yet we can’t seem to get past our own obstacles to reach newer heights with God. This is
not a defeat though. There is no sense in being defeated by a notion. There is no sense in
letting a dying world, presented with little hope, dictate how we are going to live our
lives and what we are going to do against the darkness that plagues our world.
 It takes a nation to build an army; it takes that army to save the nation. Where am
I going with this? It’s very simple actually; there is something at work in this world that
is bigger than all of us. It’s bigger than the drama at school or home; it’s bigger than
what you want or what you need; it’s a bigger picture of our world. It’s a tapestry of a
universe created by God that is crying out for its creator. It’s a universe filled with
mystery and wonder, light, hope, happiness, death, pain, suffering.
You see, two thousand plus years ago a man walked the earth that changed the
course of history forever. He brought a message of love and compassion for all to hear
that all might realize how small they are and how big their God is; that all would realize
that they are all in some way connected and in some way responsible for creation; in
some way responsible for those around them. He spent his time with the poor and
broken, the unclean, the wretched, the blind, the very children of God that had been
rejected by those who were called to help them and protect them. Not everything in this
world is just. Though our God is just he knows that which we should know which is the
fact that we have a choice and we have free will. The way God sought to restore justice
to the world was to atone for our sins through his son.
No longer are we to be unclean or separate from the world around us; we are all
part of the body. God’s plan to restore justice is through us. It’s been that way all along
and so many for so long have lain wasting in peril wondering how God is going to fix the
world’s problems and yet close their ears to the fact that they themselves are the solution
to the problem. Not everybody has been equipped with the ability to feed the hungry or
clothe the naked but everybody has been given the abilities within their being and
capacity to do something around them to make the world a better place. That is why we
have missionaries and pastors and businessmen and doctors and lawyers. The body has
all of its parts and each one has to function for the good of the body.
What does it look like? What is this revolution and how do we carry it out? It
really is as simple as opening your Bible. Christ has given us the perfect example of
what a revolutionary looks like. Christ, the ultimate example, and so many others that
have molded and changed culture in some way. He was a man that walked the earth
without wealth and challenged the cultural authorities of that time. He was a man that
did not worry about what would happen to his body so long as he was a light to whoever
he could be. He wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty or even face the most gruesome of
deaths in order that he might carry out his father’s will. He flipped over the tables of the
money changers in the temple and picked fights with the Pharisees and became a heretic
in the eyes of his own people in order that he might share the truth.
The truth is simple. His message was simple. I am giving you life; I am giving
you power against death; I am making you clean and making that cleanliness contagious;
I am mending your heart from all brokenness; I am conquering that which you fear the
most; I am removing the obstacles from your path. Pass on that life to God’s children;
use that power to conquer evil; move amidst the unclean and help make them whole
again; move amidst the broken and heal them; stand up in the face of death and know that
you need not fear it; you have the power to overcome any obstacle so do it. It’s not
enough to say you’re trying anymore. Take that mantle, claim that power; know that you
are a conqueror of worlds; never forget that you were created, no mistake about it, every
fiber of your being was stitched together for a reason and you are loved in God’s eyes.
Be the revolutionary and stir up a revolution.
ALL DOGMAS GO TO HEAVEN

I’ve never been satisfied with the status quo. I feel that in a lot of ways
maintaining a status quo means becoming complacent and comfortable; trying to preserve
some sense of security and control in a world that offers neither on a moment to moment
basis. Watch any television show or movie, read any novel or dramatic work and one of
the main themes that makes drama what it is, is the uncertainty of life; not only the
uncertainty of life, but the fragility as well. Life is fickle, life is short, and life is
unpredictable.
The status quo, or paradigm in the manner in which I am using it, is a definition
of life’s current conditions. In terms of politics, it would be the current, somewhat
normalized, state of the world’s politics.
I have a list of words that I would call my all time favorite words: inebriated,
gratuitous, transubstantiation (which is why early Christians were thought to be
cannibals), superfluous, superlative, etc. There are others that escape me at the moment
but among this uncanny assemblage of unassailable terms is the word “perspective.” I
love this word; it is a loaded word. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary offers many
definitions pertaining to sight, vision, and vantage; but one definition stuck out to me:
“the interrelation in which a subject or its parts are mentally viewed; also: point of view;
the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance.”
What does it take for someone’s paradigm to shift? What sort of jarring,
significant event has to take place for someone to be completely thrown out of their old
way of thinking and thrust into a new way of thinking; perhaps completely contrary to the
old way? The beauty of the answer to this question is that there really is no answer.
There is no set event or series of events or any such definition to what can make a person
change.
I don’t know why everyone is always trying to find this set formula for living a
successful life or a Christian life or any other type of life for that matter. There really is
no formula. I mean, Bible + Prayer + Jesus = Christian is pretty simplistic and doesn’t
really lead too much at all. It’s so basic in contrast with our potential, capacity, and
especially our calling and purpose. Now, don’t get me wrong, any athlete will tell you
that to be a great player it starts with the fundamentals; however, if you stick only with
the fundamentals and become comfortable with doing the bare minimum, then you will
achieve nothing. Those athletes practice the basics, then they push themselves above and
beyond their own limitations every time, breaking their bodies, growing in strength, and
eventually creating new thresholds to cross.
The event that caused a shift in me wasn’t an extreme event in any case, it was
something minimal that I know my friend Ray may or may not remember but at the time
thought I was just being dramatic or over-emotional. On Monday nights I meet with a
group of individuals from a community of Christians called “Chrysalis.” Twice a year
this community holds a retreat for young men and women for the purpose of getting away
and getting closer to God, maybe even experiencing God for the first time. So, a group of
us in my area meet up in a accountability group as a way to keep the community together
and grow spiritually throughout the rest of the year. We are creatures of habit and
actually frequent a “Carl’s Jr.” not too far from where I live. For a long period of time
we would encounter a particular individual on a weekly basis we called “Hey Buddy.”
Hey buddy was an elderly mentally challenged guy who would approach us quite forcibly
and shake each one of our hands and say, “hey buddy.” It really used to get on my nerves
when he would come around, especially when he would interrupt the group. Ashamed as
I am to admit, I did partake in ribald humor at his expense a few times. One night, he
was there as usual and had interrupted our group as usual, and then he went and sat down
in one of the booths, as usual. This particular night he had fallen asleep during the course
of the evening. As we left I was walking by him and glanced over. At the moment I saw
him in my peripheral vision, leaning over in that vulnerable and helpless state, my heart
broke and I began to weep.
I couldn’t contain the raw emotion that was pulsing through my soul with each
beat of my heart. I was consumed by this unrelenting empathetic sensation within
myself. I truly felt an insatiable amount of compassion for this individual that I had afore
despised, in a sense, when he was present. I didn’t know what to do or even how to
define what I was feeling.
Over the course of my life I have developed into what I have defined as a beacon
of emotion. Essentially, being able to absorb and feel the energy in the room or the
energy of an individual person. In terms of energy if a room is full of tired, otherwise
“dead” individuals, I will start to lose energy and drag along as well; whereas, when I’m
in a room of lively people I can actually feed off of their energy. I’m sort of like a
parasite except you won’t experience any repercussions whatsoever. It’s something
actors do when their on stage. In terms of emotion however, I’ve developed a sense of
emotion or a way to sense emotion. Given the right circumstances I can feel what you’re
feeling. I’ve been hit by unexplained emotions before as well as taken them on by
choice. A friend of mine compared me to a literary character known as “Peter Stanhope”
in the book “Descent into Hell” by Charles Williams. At one point in the story Peter
Stanhope explains the concept of bearing one’s burdens or the concept of essentially
standing in the gap for somebody and bearing their burden for them. I’m not fully in
control of it, but it is something that I do on a regular basis.
I’ve been overwhelmed by emotion before, but on that night I had experienced
something new. The compassion I felt that night was a deeply rooted aspect of my
personality that I had somehow lost along the path of my life in the confines of becoming
other people in the attempt to be accepted and liked by my peers. I’ve often said that I
am incapable of intentionally causing harm to others and this is very true. I can never
bring myself, no matter what thought is going through my mind, to ever follow through
with those thoughts; whether it’s a comment or an action, I just can’t do it. It breaks my
heart whenever I have thoughts of ill will towards another person like that. In the case of
“Hey buddy,” I was overwhelmed by that same feeling, but at least twenty fold of what
I’ve experienced before. I know that I never did anything to hurt him, but for some
reason I felt as though I had.

Our thoughts can be so destructive; our judgments, comments, malice, it’s all a
package deal. They’re so powerful. Sometimes we separate human potential for power
and call it science-fiction but concepts in science-fiction had to come from somewhere
and I continue to motion that we do have the potential for greater power, but we are not
equipped to carry it. As we grow, our powers grow. The powers of our mind are
immensely greater than even we can fathom with such a small percentage that we
actually use. Our words and thoughts have the power to literally destroy worlds.
Our words can be like a virus. Think about any insult that’s ever been thrown at
you. At the time you may not have thought much of it or maybe it was devastating,
maybe they were a constant thing for you. Now, over time did they just disappear? I
assure you that no amount of repression can shake a person’s words. Somebody calls you
stupid, they’ve just labeled you, and that is going to come out at some point later on.
You may start to believe it yourself. They’re toxic words. They’re words that corrupt
and corrode, caustic and destructive. Words that can do more damage than any hand gun
because while a hand gun can damage your body, that can be repaired and heal. Those
emotional wounds can’t be taken care of by medication or surgery.
I used to feel so worthless because of the things people would say to me. The
insults mostly stopped after middle school, but I still deal with that feeling to this day. It
stunts my confidence and makes it hard for me to advance. All I really know how to do
when I get those feelings is revert back to save mode and ignore the problem. Any
computer nerd knows what I mean by that. When you’re computer is infected with a
nasty virus, your operating system will suggest “safe mode.” The computer then reverts
to its most basic functions, making sure the virus can’t spread through the rest of the
operating system. At one point I had my computer in “safe mode” for over two months,
because I could still type, and I didn’t feel like dealing with the viruses.

What do you believe in? Have you ever stopped and thought about it? It’s easy
to regurgitate the things we hear and maybe agree with upon hearing them, but do we
really truly know what we believe in? In all of my travels and all of my conversations I
have seen so many individuals who have one strict worldview, do not embrace any
others, do not embrace that people could have others, and are okay living in a close-
minded, dogmatic bubble devoid of any effectiveness whatsoever. Here’s what I mean:
it’s a lot like associating with a single sect of a religion or a single political party, then
shutting out the rest of the world entirely and holding onto only that. What happens
when you do this? You get offended when somebody doesn’t share your beliefs, you
offend them by trashing their beliefs; you remain close-minded and therefore don’t really
know what you truly believe in yourself. I say that because how can you truly know what
you believe in if you don’t take into consideration any other ideas. That just makes you
ignorant, but being open-minded can make it easier for you to decide on your own.
I feel like if the people in the “Heaven’s Gate” cult took the time to really analyze
what they believed in as well as the world of truths around them, they may have had
second thoughts about what they did. But they were easily manipulated by one man who
knew how to manipulate a mass of individuals; a mass of individuals that may not have
had any clue or given any thought to what they believed in at all. I can’t make any
assumptions really but it makes sense with the point I’m trying to make.
I started thinking about this concept when I read “The DaVinci Code” by Dan
Brown. The movie came out not too long after I read the book. Outside the movie
theatre were dozens of “Christians” protesting for obvious reasons. I got upset with the
protestors because they were literally shunning the people going to see them and spitting
the same scripted nonsense about people going to hell and non-believers and stuff like
that. You know what I’m talking about; the kind of “evangelism” that gets made fun of
on movies and television shows. There’s a reason for that by the way; it’s ridiculous! I
almost get embarrassed sometimes because it just sounds so harsh and close-minded. Am
I in any place to judge, no, I’m not bold enough to do that, or at least, I don’t think I am?
That’s just what it looks like to me. It’s dogma though, it all sounds so scripted and when
you ask questions or try to challenge the responses are dogmatic and close-minded as
well. “Because it’s in the Bible,” is really not a viable or acceptable source of authority
when you’re dealing with non-believers. If I had heard that stuff when I was unsaved, I
would have stayed that way. God was introduced to me in a different way, but that’s a
different story.
So people start to talk about what they believe in; do you let them talk? Do you
actually listen? Do you stand there and shake your head at everything they say, waiting
for your chance to interject with the “truth?” All I’m trying to say, and have probably
said before, open-mindedness is more effective. Dogma is a dangerous thing; it can
cause you to become complacent, unchallenged, and ineffective. Like I said before, there
is no set formula. There is an origin to that idea as well.
I’ve found in my many adventures in life that there are certain reoccurring
themes. I mean, as far as trials go, I usually get hit by stronger and harder variants of the
same basic nonsense as I’ve mentioned before in some degree. A quote that some people
have gotten accustomed to me saying in response to “how are you doing” is “same old
shit, different day.” I don’t just want to say “fine” or “okay” or “good” these days, I feel
like I’m lying and I spent enough of my life manipulating people to believe things about
me that weren’t true. So, for the most part, when you ask me how I’m doing, you will get
an honest answer. I find trying to go to people for advice or just to vent becomes more
and more difficult to me. It’s not that anybody is doing anything wrong; it’s just not what
I’m looking for. When I need to vent, that’s really all I need. When my friends need to
vent, that’s what I offer; an ear to listen and an understanding that surpasses any advice I
can give them. Sometimes we just need to tell people how pissed off we are; sometimes
it’s healthy to just say all of that stuff and release it from the confines of your mind.
I don’t like taking a lot of advice these days for two main reasons: I may not be
looking for advice at all, and there’s a certain repetition and genericness that comes with
most advice. Chances are, the person I’m talking has no idea what it feels like to be
going through whatever it is I’m venting about and they’re feel they need to offer their
two cents on the issue and it just isn’t so. This is how we can be more effective in
community with each other. Knowing when it is the right time to speak and the right
time to listen. I know for myself, when I want advice I ask for it and when I want to vent
I just start talking or ask if somebody has time to listen to what’s bothering me. Hearing
“God’s got your back” or “there’s light at the end of the tunnel” isn’t as comforting as
even I imagine it would be at times. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend in
a crisis is just stand there and listen, put your arm around them, give them a shoulder to
cry on. Presence and proximity without a single word can be more helpful than you
know.

Not every experience can be answered by the same methods. I tell people all the
time that there is no set formula for how to deal with life’s perils and follies. You don’t
always have to “kiss dating goodbye” or have certain habits; not to say that these aren’t in
any way more or less effective than they were intended, just that they aren’t the only way
to accomplish life’s goals; especially if they have already failed you. I can’t tell you how
many times I’ve seen and even I myself tried to correct the same problem or accomplish
the same goal using the same method as the time before even though it failed miserably.
If a fisherman uses a certain bait in a certain lake and catches nothing after a certain
period of time, he ceases to use that bait and opts to switch it out for a different kind. It’s
a tactic to change up the formula for your actions. Like in war, you don’t keep sending
troops down the same valley if not a single one survives; you find an alternate route.
Sometimes it’s up to you to figure out what that formula is. For years I used the same
formula when it came to the opposite sex and dating. For years I thought it was all
supposed to work one way and came extremely close, but no cigar. Every time it failed
or I was failed or something happened and I got my heart thrashed. It was getting
ridiculous, I mean, even my friend’s dumb dog learned that if you pick a fight with the
cat you’re going to get scratched so he stopped picking fights with the damn cat. So why
wasn’t I learning that if I take the same route with every female I became interested in
and invested the same amount of myself in every relationship and approached it all with
the same “finesse” that I had before that IT WAS GOING TO FAIL?
I can tell you I’ve learned a lot since my last experience, which was probably the
most devastating of all of them, because not only did I make the mistake of falling in love
with a close friend (not always a bad thing, but this time it was) I became annoyingly
persistent at the issue and ended up driving her away. Not that her approach wasn’t
without its folly, but from my side, I could have just let it go when it became apparent it
was never going to happen. My biggest issue was that I didn’t want to believe that the
decision could have been made over such cosmetic issues, but as my friend Zach
delicately pointed out to me, those things are important to as certain degree so in a way
she and I both ended up being wrong. I was wrong for being persistent and unable to
accept defeat and she was wrong for lying to me consistently and choosing to dismiss the
notion due to things that I had the ability to change. I walked out of that ordeal having
not dealt with any of the pain and that’s kind of where everything started for me this year.
That’s where all of this writing has been coming from; including the sections on my
identity crisis. My inability to cope and deal with the pain caused me to become very
busy and completely disregard taking care of myself. I became unhealthy, severely
overweight, I wasn’t sleeping, I was overworking and I had a mental breakdown when
summer 2008 rolled around and I had nothing to keep me distracted from how I felt. I
hid it almost all summer, then I was confronted by two very good and loving friends of
mine. They helped me start on the path of recovery which has taken me here so far. To
this place where I’m still in a rut, but I’m doing something about it. Slowly but surely
I’m making progress and turning my life around. It seems so insurmountable right now
because I have so much to do and so much to catch up on. I have so many things that I
neglected to accomplish for so long. But now I’ve been out of college for a month and
it’s time to get working on the things I have neglected. I’m already an awesome person,
by the end of this summer I plan to be unstoppable.
OUTRODUCTION

I know that I usually skip introductions in books but this is worth reading for the
sake of understanding what you are about to embark on. I spend a considerable amount
of time writing. My friends know just how much I write because I post a percentage of it
online for all to see on my blog. They are usually rants or social commentaries that hold
some significance in my life or the lives of those around me. What I’ve done is taken the
most significant of my work and put it together for the sake of publishing it for all to take
part in this journey of life with me. I wanted to put together a journey of my mind and
philosophy that anybody can enjoy and relate to in some degree. I never posted any of
these, with one exception, online because: 1) they were excessively long; and 2) I wanted
to work on them more in depth so I could have a chance to publish in a public domain.
Whether anybody reads it or not is irrelevant just so long as it is available for
enlightenment to whatever degree it is capable of.
Now, it has never been within my nature to worry about offending anybody
because no matter what you say or what you do somebody will be offended. It’s an
inevitability that I for one am not going to try to avoid because we spend too much time
on trying to be Politically Correct and not enough time really getting down to the heart
of the issues at hand. We want so bad not to cause conflict but it takes conflict to
provoke change. If it weren’t for so many conflicts in the past the world would be a very
different and possibly extremely bleak place. It is conflict that gives backbone to
Revolution. If there were no Revolutionaries starting conflicts then there would be no
United States of America. I for one do not want to even imagine a world without
Revolution. It is something that allows the evils of this world to be purged and cause
change to occur for the better in most if not all cases. You can imagine that there would
be offended peoples involved in Revolutions, and yet we hail such times like the American
Revolution as great, necessary, and worth every life and every death.
My goal here is not to offend but to inform. My goal is to instigate change in any
degree through the things that I’ve been learning on my life journey.. My ideals are
deeply rooted in Revolution. I mean, if we as people took the time to read past that
which offended us who knows what we could discover about ourselves or about the
issue? This Revolution doesn’t have to be a war though. I’m talking about a social
Revolution, a cultural Revolution. I’m talking about standing up against the common
fold and actually becoming something different, becoming something great. I’m talking
about redefining culture and standing up against the evils of the world and social
injustice and fighting them head on. It takes a big dream and an even bigger God to
achieve this Revolution. Are you willing to put petty offenses aside to look at the bigger
picture?

For those of you, like me until recently, who do not read introductions by authors,
that was the introduction and theme that I set out with. It was about a year ago that I set
out on this journey. It was my attempt to chronicle what had become a pivotal chapter of
change in my life. Beginning at a point in time where my entire world had seemed to
vanish into thin air and I was left a broken man with a year left in school and absolutely
no clue what he believed in or what he was supposed to do anymore.
 I’ve learned and grown a lot in the past year; and I’ve accomplished a lot too. I
recently graduated from Azusa Pacific University with two degrees in Theatre Arts and
Screenwriting and am currently embarking on what I call “the first chapter in the road to
ultimate recovery.” The reason I call it that is because over the past year it is evident in
my writing that I have indeed learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself, my family, my
friends, God, and so on and so forth. I have a lot of things to deal with now. I have a lot
of the things I’ve said so far in the text that I need to continue to apply to my own life so
that I can be as effective as possible and ultimately die without potential as I have dreamt
of doing for so long. Not that I want to die soon, but the day that I do die, I want it to be
because I have done all that I can do and used up all of my potential and achieved all that
God set me out to achieve.
Everything that I have written has a purpose behind it and I truly believe without
a shadow of a doubt that these are things that people need to hear. It was never enough
for me to be so narrow-minded and not really have a good handle on what I believed in.
At the time when my beliefs had been challenged a few years back, I was sure that I had
it all figured out and realized at that moment that I didn’t know anything. The only thing
I knew how to do was quote cliché scripture and read from the standard beginning
evangelist script that consisted of “we’re all sinners, shit happens, Jesus died, and God
saved the queen, and the world.”
After that, I thought I had it all figured out. I spent hours, days, tons of time
studying anything I could get my hands on; religion, philosophy, communications,
dramaturgy, literature, you name it, I was obsessed with developing my own worldview
because I was not content believing only what I had been spoon fed in church. I had to
discover it for myself. What I’ve come up with is pretty incredible stuff. They were
things that almost seemed counterproductive because it was a realm of gross
contradiction and questions arising from other questions which ultimately led me to the
conclusion that we can’t possible know everything. I know what you’re thinking, duh,
but hear me out. We go through life and, for the most of us, stubbornly find something
that seems to work and close ourselves off to any other possibility. I didn’t want to live
like that. I have a fear of ignorance; both of my own and of other’s.
That’s what I want for everybody. The more open-minded we become; the more
we can do to overlook petty circumstances and actually get something accomplished;
whether it be social justice, or religious freedom, expression, or even political success
and going so far as to making the world a better place. It’s not as difficult as it sounds.
There are so many things we can do to make the world a better place. There are so many
responsibilities we have that we cop out of for whatever reason and it really is about time
we stepped up and did something about it. Regardless of whatever consequences, I
mean, people have fought and died to give us the freedom we have today, why can’t we
stop arguing about a war we’re already in and actually support the people fighting in it.
Why aren’t we fighting along side them in whatever way we can? It’s so easy to say you
don’t believe in something and feel like you have no responsibility for it, but that to me is
just cowardice. Don’t enjoy a freedom you wouldn’t fight for, and don’t let people die in
vain because you get offended by a word in the pledge of allegiance or because you
believe that you have the absolute truth on the issues of the environment. Know you’re
facts, know both sides of the argument, be open-minded, remember that everybody is
different and everybody is entitled to their opinion, no matter how wrong it seems to you,
they feel the same way about you.
You see, we’re not all that different, we may have different beliefs but the way we
function with them is so dead on similar to everybody else’s. We should be uniting as a
human race, not dividing over little petty issues. How much stronger would we be if we
worked for the best interest of everybody, regardless of what we believed in. That’s the
world that I want to live in. It’s the way we’re supposed to live as Christians, if you
don’t believe me, actually take a look at a lot of the texts in the Bible. Though so much
of it can’t really be taken literally, if that’s what we’re supposed to model as Christians,
so many of us are missing the mark.