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THE DRUNKS CLUB
A.A., the Cult that Cures
By Clancy Martin
DISAPPEARING INK
Afghanistans Sham Democracy
By Matthieu Aikins
THE HARES MASK
A story by Mark Slouka
Also: James Fenton and Phillip Lopate
E S S A Y
The lie of a pipe dream is what gives life nights ago, so now he was out of there grams for the assistance of recovery
to the whole misbegotten mad lot of us, too. Dave quietly told me his story from addiction. The Ten Command-
drunk or sober. without self-pity, anger, or even regret, ments. The Four Noble Truths. The
Eugene ONeill, as snowlakes melted on his brows and Five Pillars. Pithy, easily memorized,
The Iceman Cometh lashes. Nietzsche wrote: Memory divinely inspired. Words to live by.
says: I have done that. Pride replies: That the most inluentialand, it is
ESSAY 31
he would do ten-minute phone inter- cule amounts, even a mouthful of cial function and accessibility obfus-
views with me once a monthseventy- wine, caused me nausea, a desperate cate this reality. If youre prone to
ive dollars a visitand then call the and unpleasant wooziness, a sinking overdoing it, the fact that youre self-
pharmacist. Soon my brain was so ad- sensation, and ultimately a distinct prescribing (and choosing your own
dled with drugs that I was falling asleep revulsion (we should all be so lucky, dosage) doesnt help.
in my ofice and in meetings; a col- I thought when I irst read this). But I changed psychiatrists.
league commented on my drooling;
and I descended into a depression that
was qualitatively unlike any sadness I
as in my situationthings immedi-
ately took a psychological turn for the
worse, and Styron was plunged into
I ts a quarter after eight, a freezing
night, the streets black with ice. Im
had ever experienced, even after my the depression that made his great about forty days sober and cant ind a
fathers death or before my suicide at- memoir, Darkness Visible. meeting anywhere on the west side of
tempt. I was still going to meetings, but Kansas City. I try two places listed on
even therewhere, and this is perhaps It is my conviction now that alcohol the Kansas City A.A. website, both
the best thing about A.A., there is al- played a perverse trick on me when about ten miles from my house, and
ways someone who has done just what we said farewell to one another: al- theres no one there, not even a prom-
though, as everyone should know, it is
you have done, suffered just what you ising door, and I call my wife and ask
a major depressant, it had never truly
have suffered, lied just as you have lied, depressed me during my drinking ca- her to get on the computer (by now
despaired just as you are despairingI reer, acting instead as a shield against Im almost in tears) and she finds a
couldnt see past the next ive minutes, anxiety. Suddenly vanished, the great meeting over on the east side. Kansas
the thought of tomorrow was unendur- ally which for so long had kept my de- City has a scar up its middle called
able, and I knew that I either had to mons at bay was no longer there to Troost Avenue. Due to blockbusting in
drink again or kill myself prevent those demons from beginning the Fifties and Sixties, on the west side
properly this time. to swarm through the subconscious, of the avenue its about 80 percent
ESSAY 33
will always win. Think about having can do is assume hes not drinking, Beaujolais on a sidewalk table with
your heart broken. You cant let her go which is, of course, true. If you think my wife laughing opposite me, the
until you really stop trying to win her about it too much, you want to run sun in her eyes and hairbut a
backthat is, until you stop making out and have a drink; therefore, you long, deep, double swallow of Jger-
yourself not try to win her back. You dont think about it. Not-thinking meister from a ifth or a quart I had
dont forget her, or what you did to- about things is one of the secrets to hidden near the dumpster behind
gether; you forget that she is the focus of recovery. From Twenty-Four Hours a the apartment. A compulsive, dirty
all your need. And quitting drinking Day: The alcoholic is absolutely un- necessity. At a noon meeting the
really is like losing a lover. You hear it able to stop drinking on the basis of other day, Christina D. talked about
from Al-AnonersAl-Anon is the sup- self-knowledge. How this squares hiding in meetings, when the al-
port group for friends and family mem- with rigorous honesty is a puzzle coholic feels she is attending too
bers of addictsevery week: It was just worth trying to piece together. many meetings in a day.
like he was having an affair. You also Ive been in jail more than once In Calgary, visiting my older broth-
hear, later, Now I feel like hes married on account of my drinking, but my er, I was about six weeks sober. In the
to his sponsor. I feel like Im still second favorite time was a weekend I did in desolate gray night snow, my cousin
in line. Like Rob M. said: The alco- Olathe, Kansas, as part of a DUI de- Anna drove me up and down the hills
holic remains an addict; his new drug ferment. The second day of the of the city looking for a meeting: we
isA.A. jailed retreat, the counselor asked us: went to three or four forgotten, empty
And my wife quit the same day I did. How many people here believe you strip malls and church back doors be-
Mm-hmm, several people agree, nodding got here because you are an alcohol- fore giving up. (Because no one ofi-
their heads. If she hadnt, I wouldnt be ic? Of the twenty-ive or so of us, I cially runs A.A. in any particular city,
here tonight. Id still be drinking. And was the only one who raised his some websites and hotlines are better
if I hadnt found this meeting tonight, I hand. I was honestly astonished. The than others. A.A. is the worlds largest
think I would have driven to a bar. I was other members of the group looked functioning anarchy, and on the
that close. And Ill pass. at me with surprise, dismay, or pity. whole it performs astonishingly well.)
At the end of the meeting we say It turned out, as we told our stories, When my cousin took me back to her
the Lords Prayer and the Serenity that for most of the people there it home and made me tea, I was panick-
Prayer (God grant me the serenity was my first time driving drunk. I ing. I tried not to look at the walls, at
to accept the things I cannot just had bad luck. I think they were the carpet, at the ceiling, at her. There
change, the courage to change the worried that we were being video- was nowhere to look. Help me, God,
things I can, and the wisdom to taped and that somehow an admis- anybody, I was thinking. I dont re-
know the difference), and a few sion of guilt might be used against us member what we talked about. I kept
people come over to talk to me, ask later, in court. But one of the young- going to the bathroom and sitting on
where I usually go to meetings and er women approached me after the the toilet with my head on my knees.
give me their phone numbers. Nor- session and said, So you really think The next morning I found a meeting
mally I hustle out of meetings be- youre an alcoholic? Im so sorry, at a breakfast place in a hotel down-
cause I hate the talking afterward. Clancy. That really sucks. town. The owner must be in recovery,
But I am clearly a stranger here and I dont mean to suggest that these I igured. My name is Clancy, and Im
it seems rude to run out the door. I people were all deceiving themselves, an alcoholic, I said, and as I told my
help fold up the chairs only that I believethough I may be story it was like three ingers of vodka
before I leave. self-deceived; its so hard to know straight to the amygdala.
ESSAY 35
ESSAY 37
breaking is a saying often repeated in the hall between two meetings Three ingers. A quarter pint. Two big
before meetings: What you say here, and listen. From inside the A.A. graceful swallows, or one mighty gulp.
what you hear here, when you leave room all you hear is laughter; from I can drink a quarter pint in one gulp,
here, let it stay here. To that end, inside the Al-Anon room if I hear the wrong door opening at
Ive tried to quote directly from all you hear is tears. the right moment. Two swallows is a
meetings as little as possible. But a
bit of it is necessary, and Im justify-
ing it to myself because storytelling
I am in San Francisco and I catch
a ten oclock meeting. Its easy to ind
perfect half pint, I think, even though
you try to stretch it to four.
I sit down.
is essential to the therapeutic effects a meeting almost any time of day in Whatcha doin? she says.
of Alcoholics Anonymous. San Francisco. Its a speaker meeting, She leans close to me. I think,
We all know about writers and where an honored member of the The devil himself has come to San
booze. Although Richard Yates had A.A. community (usually a local, but Francisco. My wife is four hours away
no patience for A.A. (Is just func- sometimes a well-known visitor) takes by plane; my hotel room, ifteen min-
tioning living at all?), an awful lot the full hour, and I listen to this utes on foot, ive minutes by cab.
of good writers have been or are in twenty-year veteran tell his story of She makes as though to toast,
the program. Mary Karr, in her re- heroin and alcohol. Hes one of those and I lift the glass and clink with
cent memoir of alcoholism and members I struggle to comprehend, her wineglass. I think, Youll
recoveryrecovery with the help of someone who lost everything drink this one, stand up, and leave.
Alcoholics Anonymous and a reli- family, career, home, even his Youll be polite, youll drink it, buy
gious conversionrelates the story healthand yet still cleaned up. No her another glass, and then go. You
of how she met her future friend and reason to go on, and not only did he go dont want it, and that makes it
sometime partner David Foster Wal- on, he recovered. As strong as the dif ferent. Its German NyQuil,
lace in one of her irst A.A. meet- death drive is in any addict, sometimes thats all it is, its cough syrup.
ings. Vonneguts Billy Pilgrim kept the will to live wins. He didnt reclaim Youre not breaking any promises.
the Serenity Prayer on his office all of the things hed lost, but he was Youre not going to cheat on your
wall. And youll notice that A.A. has still standing, in fact he was very wife. I think about John Travolta
developed a lot of very catchy slo- pleased to be standing in the cold San in Mrs. Marsellus Wallaces bath-
gans over the years. This is no mere Francisco night after the meeting with room in Pulp Fiction. One drink.
coincidence: even in the very earliest the smokers and the people heading Then I put it down. The beautiful
days, when Bill W. was writing the out for coffee or ice cream. Italian bartender in her low-slung
Big Book, advertising executives and I go into a restaurant to ask for di- jeans gives me a strange smile that I
former New Yorker editors were in- rections back to my hotel. I stand at still havent igured out.
volved in its crafting. So its not sur- the bar. A woman a few seats down Thas bad luck, says Salma.
prising that storytelling became so looks at me. She looks a bit like Yeah, I know. Im sorry, I say.
fundamental to the culture of A.A. Salma Hayek with a softer chin, and Ive got to go. I dont drink, I say.
What is more interesting is what it I igure her dates in the bathroom. She stares at me. Then whyd you
contributes to recovery. Its just con- Whats your drink? she says. sit down?
fession, you might think, or, Its just What? The restaurant, a small, I pay for another glass of wine for her.
free psychotherapy. And thats par- hip Italian place, maybe twenty ta- The shots on me, the bartend-
tially right. But its not just confes- bles, is very noisy. Id heard her, but I er says.
sion or psychotherapy when every- was surprised by the question. Thats a deal, I tell the bartend-
one in the room is doing it, and it She asked what youre drinking, er. I dont know, I tell Salma. I
turns out that listening to stories the bartender says in a thick accent. have the absurd urge to kiss her on
is just as importantmaybe more The bartender is even more striking the cheek.
importantthan telling them. Sto- than Salma, I notice. When I get outside I realize I still
ries break through loneliness. And Jgermeister, I say, and laugh. dont know where my hotel is. I call
perhaps the worst thing about Thats my drink. my wife. I want to tell her the story
alcoholism and the reason I tried Jger? Isnt that for frat boys? immediately. She doesnt answer.
to kill myself that nightis the con- She laughs. I see then that she is Asleep in bed with the kids. I am
viction that you deserve your loneli- drunk. Do you even have Jger ver y thirst y, I can admit that
ness, that no one needs to be cast here? I doan think they get a lot of much. I think about taking half a
out more than you do. orders for Jger here. ValiumI have one in my pocket,
Ive never met a stupid alcoholic, The bartender nods. as I always do for a meetingand
my father used to say, and I think Pour him a Jger. then think, No. I need a Diet Coke.
theres something to that. My wife, a Excuse me, I was joking, I say. The For maybe an hour I walk along the
former Al-Anon junkie who still bartender is already pouring the drink. high cold bright busy streets of San
goes to meetings whenever shes seri- Salma pats the chair beside her. Francisco, until I ind that hill with
ously stressed out, likes to tell people Sit here, next to me, she says. the red hanging lanterns of China-
the standard line about the differ- The black shot of Jgermeister, purple town, and from there I know my
ence between the two groups. Stand at its edges, is poured in a rocks glass. way back.