Adv i ce f r om a m ar sh m al l ow

By Pleep the m ar shm allow

GOOOD m or ning fellow m ar shm allow s! Today I got 3 ?questions?that ar e not r eal questions. Let's get
star ted!

Q: Impeach
A: I don't know w ho you w ant to im peach so I don't know w hat to say.

Q: I like you!
A: I like you too. I know it is you, Fleef! (the m ar shm allow )

Q: Dogs
A: I love dogs! I r ecom m end getting a dog if you don't have one! They ar e ver y lovely and fluffy.

That is all of the non questions that I got today! Please ask som e r eal questions next tim e!

Volu m e 48B
Issu e 9
M on , 8/ 7/ 17
Gu est Edit or :
West on

Ru by h as som e cr azy dr eam s

By Rubeeeeee

So, tw o days ago, I had a dr eam I w as w atching a video of som eone thr ow ing up. But then, it actually
cam e out of the com puter ! So I r an outside and a gar age star ted to gr ow teeth and chom p dow n on all
those unlucky folks w ho m eander ed too close. It sucked m e in and I fell in a ball pit. This r andom kid
w ith cr eepy eyes slow ly r ose fr om the ball pit and sneezed. So I r an out and got on my scooter. I star ted
to get chased by a pair of car toon yellow feet. They also had scooter s! I scooter ed into a m ar ket and I
saw a bunch of scar y jello! Then ther e w as a coffin filled w ith tar antulas and my gr andm a got locked
inside and star ted hyster ically laughing! Then, w hen I aw oke fr om my peaceful beauty r est, I w ent
nor m ally thr ough my day. But, the only pr oblem w as...I kept on getting DEJA VU!!!! And the scar iest
par t of living is deja vu. And also r ecur r ing dr eam s of yellow feet.

Debu n k i n g Th eor i es: Cape Cod Pu t s t h e ?Weal t h ? I n ?Com m on w eal t h of M assach u set t s?
By ANoNYm OuS777 (Ben Cr able)

Cape Cod is ver y popular dur ing the sum m er m onths, attr acting loads of people, som e ver y w ealthy
and som e m iddle-class. But a m ajor ity of r esidents on the Cape ar e m iddle-class, not r ich people
looking for a 5 star hotel to stay at. Cape Cod is just like the r est of the state, w ith its m ix of r ich and
m iddle-class people living year r ound ther e.
Spook y St or y I Gu ess
By Peter Tr avis
Author?s Note: This is satire.
In a dar k, dar k w ood, ther e w as a dar k, dar k house.
In a dar k, dar k house, ther e w as a dar k, dar k r oom .
In a dar k, dar k r oom , ther e w as a dar k, dar k cupboar d.
In a dar k, dar k cupboar d, ther e w as a dar k, dar k box.
In a dar k, dar k box, ther e w as a dar k, dar k chest.
In a dar k, dar k chest, ther e w as? a dar k, dar k w ood.
In a dar k, dar k w ood, ther e w as a dar k, dar k house.
In a dar k, dar k house, ther e w as a dar k, dar k r oom .
In a dar k, dar k r oom , ther e w as a dar k, dar k cupboar d.
In a dar k, dar k cupboar d, ther e w as a dar k, dar k box.
In a dar k, dar k box, ther e w as a dar k, dar k chest.
In a dar k, dar k chest, ther e w as? a pink jellybean!
I?m not the best at satir e.
#Br i n gBack Radi oPl ay
By Louis Chiasson
Th i n gs t o t r y af t er you di e (Li k e a
bu ck et l i st , bu t n ot r eal l y)
By Tillie Slosser
1. Com m unicate w ith a loved one. Tr y
sending them a m essage, tell them
w her e to find your bones or stuff like
that.
2. Com m unicate w ith not a loved one.
Say you'r e a ghost w ho needs vengeance,
and get them to do funny stuff.
3. M ake som e after life buddies. Choose
w isely, they w ill be ar ound as long as
you w ill.
4. Tr y getting kicked out of heaven. Only
do this once you?r e bor ed, but if you love
it ther e, m aybe don?t. These ar e just
suggestions.

Im agine this: You?r e tir ed. The cam p day has star ted, 5. Tr y authentic angel cake, angel hair
and you ar e going to the per fectly chill class in w hich pasta, angel biscuits, and other r eal
you w r ite a w eir d quir ky stor y and r ecor d it; the per fect angel food
blend of w r iting and acting. This class w as called Radio
Play. This w as quite liter ally the fir st class I ever took at 6. Alter nately, tr y devil cake, deviled
cam p. If you w ant to #Br ingBackRadioPlay, sign the eggs, or other devil foods.
petition, posted in the Activity Center. Walker says that
if w e get 35 signatur es, the class w ill com e back! Also, 7. Tr y hot yoga. It w ill be r eally hot.
you can adver tise this on social m edia by using
#Br ingBackRadioPlay. 8. Tr y falling thr ough a cloud. Tell m e
how that goes.
Th e Ri se of Th e Ow l Ar m y
9. See if it?s easier to get a sun tan closer
By AnoNYm OuS777 (Ben Cr able)
to the sun.
Author?s note: None of this is true, it is all fictional. If
you or a loved one believes all of what this article says,
he/she needs to see a doctor because how could someone
believe any of what this specific article is saying.

Ow ls w ith r ocket launcher s have been spotted

in the gr aveyar d near cam p. I have no idea how they
got r ocket launcher s, nor how they know how to
oper ate them , but they just do. These ow ls ar e looking
for vengeance against hum ans for distur bing their
sleeping w ith the sound of air hor ns and people
scr eam ing w henever som eone flips a bottle. Ow ls
think these tr aits ar e useless, and they w ant ever y
single per son to kneel befor e the Ow l King. Let?s not
let this happen. Give m e all your m oney and I w ill use
my god-like pow er s to defeat the ow ls, save hum anity,
and M ake M assachusetts Gr eat Again. #M M GA. Also be
sur e to check out my advice colum n that I r ecently
star ted! :)
Ever y Tr an sact i on h as an equ al React i on
By Ciar an M ur phy
Author?s Note: This article was written over a course of
many days. It?s meant to be like this. I hope you like
?Every Transaction has an equal Reaction? It stretches
over a week?s worth of entries.
7/27/17: In his young car eer , Rafael Dever s is shaping
up to be the possible next M ookie or Xander. His car eer
has star ted w ith a bang and he hit a Hom e in his
second M LB gam e. He has a 8.0 AB per HR m ar k, and a
.250 aver age in his fir st 2 gam es. He has been pr ojected
to hit another HR in the next 2 gam es. Epic. The Red
Sox acquir ed Eduar do Nunez last night. Gr eat addition
for a team str uggling in the left side of the infield lately.
7/30/17: Eduar do Nunez hit 2 hom e r uns last night! Red
Sox beat the Royals on Sandy Leon?s nifty slide.
Nothing m uch happened w ith Dever s this gam e. A
Ir onic fact about Nunez m ulti-hom er gam e: W hile
Nunez accum ulated 302 AB?s and 4 HRs in San Fr an, It
only took 8 at bats to hit half that in Boston.
7/31/17: Dever s hit another HR yester day. His total sits
at 2 in his fir st 5 gam es. He?s pr ojected to hit 3 m or e in
the r est of the season. Not fabulous, but acceptable. As
for Nunez, he?s expected to hit 3 m or e and hit m or e in
Boston than in San Fr an. But r em em ber , Boston?s a far
cr y fr om San Fr an.
8/1/17: Recent Roster addition Addison Reed has not
been activated yet, so w e?r e yet to see w hat he br ings to
the 2nd best bullpen in the AL. Dever s and Nunez
com bined for 7 hits.
8/2/17: Reed pitched last night and gave up a hom er to
Cleveland's Car los Santana on his 4th pitch as a Red Sox
player. Although he has a uncanny 9.00 er a, he?s only
pitched in one inning for the Red Sox. Nunez continues
to be br illiant, as he w ent 3 - 5 last night w ith 2 2B and
4 RBI. Dever s w ent 2 - 4 w ith 2 r uns scor ed, r aising his
aver age to .429. Nunez is cur r ently batting .500 for the
Red Sox.
8/3/17: Last night?s gam e w as postponed due to r ain.
But the Yankees lost, so the Red Sox ar e 1 gam e ahead
now !!! Yay!
8/4/17: Addison Reed had a com eback outing, low er ing
his ERA to 4.50 in the AL as a Red Sox. Eduar do Nunez
w ent 1 - 5 in a r ar e day, it seem s for the r ecent tr ade
pickup. Dever s hit yet another HR last night, as the Red
Sox beat the Chicago W hite Sox and Gained another
gam e on the Yankees, w ho fell in their m eeting w ith the
Cleveland Indians.
M y m om , t h e ch ef (M i sadven t u r es
of m y M ot h er Par t 4)
By Tillie Slosser
Once upon a tim e, in the far
off land of Nor tham pton, my
Gr andm a w as getting r eady for a
dinner par ty. M y m om , being the
little chef she is, w anted to help. So
my gr andm a, w ho didn?t r eally w ant
to give her som ething that w ould be
easily m essed up, let her m ake the
desser t: jello. No one can m ess up
jello, r ight? Sor t of. Later , the dinner
par ty w as going w ell, and ever yone
w as loving the desser t, in the w ay one
can love jello. So, in an attem pt to
m ake ador able conver sation w ith the
r esident 5 year old (my m om ),
som eone asked her , ?Sw eetie, how on
ear th did you m ake this?? A
r hetor ical question to anyone but a
child under 7, she answ er ed,
?Well, I m ade the hot w ater , then I
pour ed it into the jello m ix, then I
had to stir it for a ver y long tim e.
Then I spit in it.?
A silence filled the r oom . People put
dow n their for ks.
?W hat??
?Well, I alw ays think that jello tastes
better after you sw ish it ar ound in
your m outh, so I figur ed, It m ust be
the spit that m akes it taste good, so I
spit in it.? M y m om , of cour se, w as
com pletely ser ious about this.
Ever yone slow ly pushed aw ay their
dishes.
M ost for tunately, my m om ?s cooking
skills have im pr oved.
100 Ran dom Th i n gs Abou t M ysel f , Par t 1 PLAY-DOH-NOUNCEM ENT
By Ben Kelly and Cole Tom etsko By Gabe

1. M y nam e is Ben Hello, gutter snipes. ?Tis I, your

2. I am 11 year s old fr iendly neighbor hood playfellow. The
3. I am 5?4 feet tall ?Play-Doh?s Evil? team is pleased to
4. I have a dog announce that w e w ill be publishing
5. I have a m om Play-Doh ar ticles ever y day now , as
6. I have a dad opposed to M onday, Wednesday, and
7. I have a br other Fr iday. Now go back to your gutter s,
8. M y dog?s nam e is Luli ur chins, I have to go dilute r eality.
9. I have a house
10. I have a face
11. I have 2 ear s PSA Ph on e Case Recal l
12. I have 5 toes on my r ight foot By Tillie Slosser
13. M y favor ite song is back in black by AC/DC (by the
w ay i?m listening to it as I am w r iting) Hey all. If you have a phone case
14. I have five finger s on my left hand m ade by M ixBin Electr onics, you should
15. I have five finger s on my r ight hand visit their site to get a full r efund. M any of
16. I have 5 toes on my left foot their cases have star ted cr acking and
17. I have a nose causing ser ious chem ical bur ns, so please
18. I have a m outh check and m ake sur e your s isn?t one of
19. I have tw o eyes them . The follow ing stor es sold phones
20. I have hair cases that m ay be danger ous; Am azon,
21. I am am azing at skateboar ding and Cole sucks at Henr i Bendel, M ixBin, Nor dstr om Rack,
it Tor y Bur ch and Victor ia's Secr et. People,
22. I am am azing at sur fing and Cole sucks at it don?t be lazy. Tr ips to the ER ar e r ar ely fun.
23. M y br other is r eally annoying
24. M y m om ?s nam e is Tal W hy Eevees ar e t h e best Pok em on .
25. M y br other ?s nam e is Ar i By Sar ah N.
26. M y dad?s nam e is Liam
27. I have an XBox If you have ever seen an eevee on
28. M y favor ite spanish song is ?Despacito? Pokem on, you know they ar e ador able!
29. I love playing M or tal Kom bat XL They ar e even cuter than a pikachu. They
30. M y favor ite tw enty one pilots song is ?Ride? ar e even cuter than a pichu! The only thing
31. I love video gam es cuter than an eevelution is an eevee.
32. I play 5 differ ent instr um ents Eevees ar e also the best pokem on, because
33. I used to ow n a W iiU they can becom e alm ost ever y pokem on
34. I have an iPhone type. Pokem on, if you ar e r eading this, W E
35. I found som e dr ied cole (m ushr oom s) on a tr ip to NEED M ORE EEVELUTIONS! As m or e
chinatow n once aw esom e eevelutions com e out, the m or e
36. I love my X Box eevee fans w ill w atch the show. All I know
37. I am going into 6th gr ade for sur e is that eevees and eevelutions w ill
38. I have gone thr ough 5th gr ade for ever hold my hear t.
39. I have gone thr ough 4th gr ade
40. I have gone thr ough 3r d gr ade
41. I have gone thr ough 2nd gr ade
42. I have gone thr ough 1st gr ade
43. I have gone thr ough kinder gar ten
44. I have gone thr ough pr eschool
45. I love Pom er anians!
46. I have a eur asier (a new dog br eed)
47. I love Under Ar m our
48. I w as in Cole?s class for thir d gr ade
49. I love NIKE!!!
50. W E DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
25 Fact s Abou t M y Dog
By Kylie O?Hear n
1. Her nam e is M ochi.
2. She is a goldendoodle.
3. She is ?cr eam color ed?.
4. She has m any toys.
5. She r ips her toys and eats the stuffing
inside.
6. She licks people.
7. She never bites people.
8. It seem s like she is going to bite people but
she just w ants to lick them .
9. She is so cute.
10. Her nose is a gum dr op.
11. She w ants people to pet her.
12. She w ants people to r ub her belly.
13. Her head is r eally fluffy.
14. She is so fluffy.
15. She loves ever ybody.
16. She sleeps in the kitchen.
17. She sleeps on her ver y fancy dog bed.
18. W hen she w ags her tail her w hole body
m oves in the sam e dir ection.
19. Som etim es she bar ks in her sleep.
20. She chases her tail.
21. Once she bit her tail and tr ied to br ing
her tail to her playing ar ea.
22. She gets r eally excited to see new people
and dogs.
23. She can play w ith another dog for hour s
w ithout stopping!
24. She som etim es is to excited for other
dogs.
25. She is the best dog in the
w or ld!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wast i n g M on ey on Sch ool Su ppl i es
By Kalie
I don?t know if your school m akes you buy a
lot of school supplies, but m ine does. And
the thing is, w e never even use all of them .
Like this year they?r e m aking all of us buy
like 3 tubes of Clor ox w ipes. Ther e ar e 13
kids in my class (including m e). Ar e w e ever
going to use about 40 tubes of w ipes? I don?t
think so. Also, my school is m aking us buy
calculator s for 10 dollar s and guess w hat? At
school w e have THE SAM E CALCULATORS!
Last year , my teacher s told us to buy 4
folder s and w e only used 2! School m akes us
buy too m any supplies! I don?t even w ant to
go to school! Enjoy your sum m er w hile it
lasts! Bye!
W h at does Addi son Have i n Her M yst er y Bag???
By Pablo the Adventur er (aka Addison and Ryan
Kane)
How dy kids! Pablo the Adventur er her e
(instead of Dor a the Explor er )! Today w e?r e gonna
have a looksie in Addison's myster y bag! Let's hop
r ight in!
Let?s see, fir st w e have a standar d r eusable
w ater bottle. It?s im por tant to stay hydr ated. Next,
w e have a bathing suit and a tow el. That m ust be for
pool gam es. Oh, w hat?s this? It?s a r ubik?s cube for
Addison?s hands to fidget w ith. Under that, ther e?s a
br ow n paper bag. How myster ious! Let's take it out.
On the fr ont of the bag, it says ?DO NOT OPEN?.
Let?s open it up! M y, oh my, the bag looks a lot
bigger on the inside. I?m going to put my hand
inside, w hat?s this? It feels com for table. Oh my
goodness! It?s a full size Br ookstone m assage chair !
That m ust be for w or king out those knots! Next, I
feel som ething squishy. W hat could it be? Oh dear ,
it?s Walker the counselor. Wait, w ait, I feel
som ething else. It feels har d ? oh good heavens, it's
a tr ain!
I think ther e?s one m or e thing left. This one
feels kind of fur r y. M y w or d, it?s a gir affe! I?m pr etty
sur e that?s against cam p policy.
Well, I?ll catch you next tim e! This has been
Pablo the Adventur er !!
An sw er t o Th e M yst er y of t h e Fi sh er m an ?s
Con spi r acy
By Jacob Rast
The culpr it in this case w as M akenzie Rellin,
a cunning w om an w ho bugged the study in or der to
pay off her financial w oes. Seeing the adver tisem ent
for the tour of the study, she for m ulated a plan and
posed as a fan in or der to enter the contest. Upon
w inning, she hid a bug she had painted w hite in a
tuna fish sandw ich w ith extr a m ayonnaise,
disguising it as a glob of tuna w hen she
pur posefully dr opped it on the car pet. She had done
all this w hile shr ew dly pr etending to sloppily eat
the sandw ich. Upon her ar r est, she confessed to her
entir e cr im e, allow ing Rodr igo Bass to successfully
sue the disgr aced Salm on Inc. for r oyalties. In the
tim e after the incident, Rodr igo Bass has continued
giving sem inar s, now having a str ange fear of tuna
fish sandw iches; Guppy Gilder stein ended up
becom ing pr esident of the Rodr igo Bass fan club,
m uch to M r. Bass?pr ivate annoyance; and Bar r y
Cudona becam e a decently successful author
him self, w r iting all about the var ious annoyances
he faced w hile w or king alongside so m any
fisher m en.
Secr et Lan gu age: How t o m ak e f r i en ds w i t h Ol i ve
By Liam

To use the secr et language find the letter you need fr om the top r ow. The letter under it is
the letter you type in.
W hen Olive is sleeping slow ly w alk over to her. THE END

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Q W E R T Y U I O P A S D F G H J K L Z X C V B N M

JK
Step 1 Find Olive
Step 2 Tr y to find out w hat Olive likes to play
Step 3 Now that you know w hat Olive likes to play tr y to play w ith her
Step 4 If Olive gets tir ed give her a belly r ub

Secr et code Gsoctl yqcgkozt ziou zg r g ol kxf!!

Th e M yst er y of t h e Poi son ed Act r ess

By Jacob Rast

You ar e a cater er w ho w or ks for the popular soap oper a ?Los Am or es y Los Flor es?, star r ing
w or ld-r enow ned actr ess Em my Oscar i, a w om an w idely despised w ithin the television industr y for
being notor iously difficult to w or k w ith. Yester day evening, w hen she w ent to fetch M s. Oscar i for a
shoot, Esper Resso, M s. Oscar i?s per sonal assistant, scr eam ed out upon finding M s. Oscar i unconscious
in her chair. As the staff w as unable to aw aken her , M s. Oscar i w as sent to the hospital w her eupon it
w as discover ed that an attem pt had been m ade on her life thr ough ingestion of a danger ous poison.
Being the cater er , you have had im m ediate suspicion thr ow n upon you, and now need to pr ove your
innocence. Reading thr ough the police r epor ts, you have deter m ined thr ee people w ith a m otive to
com m it the cr im e: M s. Resso, w ho w as often over w or ked and ver bally abused by M s. Oscar i; Per r y
Oduzzer , an executive of the show w ho had to significantly cut their ow n pay to cover M s. Oscar i?s
constant dem ands for r aises; and Jan Itor ino, a bitter fashion assistant w ho once w as an
up-and-com ing actr ess until her show w as cancelled due to M s. Oscar i?s m eddling. You have also
lear ned that each suspect w as in the r oom for a tim e dur ing the day of the incident: M s. Resso cam e in
to deliver coffee w ith tw o cr eam er s and tw o packets of sw eetener , at M s. Oscar i?s r equest; Per r y
Oduzzer deliver ed a m anilla envelope containing M s. Oscar i?s new contr act, w hich she evidently
opened; and M r s. Itor ino cam e in to vacuum the floor and install a new ceiling fan. Talking to the
police, as w ell as to your fellow staff m em ber s, has yielded the follow ing five pieces of infor m ation.
Fir st, the poison in question is a pow der , and w as found scatter ed acr oss the floor and on top on the
fur nitur e. Second, M s. Oscar i?s contr act w as w as
sw eet-sm elling. Thir d, M s. Oscar i could not have poisoned
her self, as the papar azzi?s focus on her m eant that she could
not have bought the poison w ithout being seen. Four th, M s.
Oscar i w as unusually r espondent to tem per atur e changes,
dr inking lots of coffee w hen cold, and tur ning on the fan for
a few m inutes, lying on her back, and panting w hen hot.
And finally, this var iety of poison sm ells faintly of
str aw ber r y, and does not have a set am ount of tim e befor e it
activates, m eaning the tim es the suspects enter ed the r oom
is unim por tant. These facts laid out befor e you, you have
com e to a conclusion as to w ho com m itted this cr im e. W ho
poisoned the actr ess Em my Oscar i?
M y Fave Fi ves
By Cadence Rosenblum , and now , Roxanne Glassenber g
R: Hello fr iends! I have hijacked Cadence?s Fave-Five
ar ticles for today! Needless to say, it?s Fave Five Elder
Gods!
C: Just to clar ify, I have no idea w hat these ar e.
R: THESE ar e beings (?) fr om the hor r or /sci-fi/fantasy
pantheon cr eated by ear ly-to-m id 2th centur y
w r iter /cr azy per son/my idol and Hallow een costum e,
H.P. Lovecr aft. If you've not r ead anything by him , I
r ecom m end ?The Call of Cthulhu?, ?The Dunw ich
Hor r or ?, and ?The M ountains of M adness?.
C: Sounds fun.
R: it?s m or e than fun. It?s ter r ifying.
C: (also you can subm it m or e categor ies for M y Fave
Fives in those r ed pouches)
5. Nyar lathotep, the Cr aw ling Chaos
C: THE CRAW LING CHAOS?!!!!!???? W hat kind of a
nam e is this? It sounds like som ething that w ould be in
a Har r y Potter m ovie.
R: I think I should be addr essed as Roxanne, the
Sneaking Weir do. Ooh, or Roxanne, the Cr eepy Knitter.
Nyar lathotep com es up fr om Egypt to destr oy our
m inds and r end us for m our loving flesh w ith ideas
fr om beyond the living. Look him up, he looks like a
dem on-zom bie-King Tut.
C: W ith a nam e that?s r eally fun to say.
4. Azatoth
R: Azathoth is the king of chaos. He sits in the center of
the univer se, and has no for m . No w or ds can descr ibe
him (it???). I think Bar ney is possessed by him ?
Azathoth pr oduced the other Lovecr aftian deities.
C: This totally explains it...I?ve never tr usted Bar ney.
EVER.
3. Yog Sothoth (is the gate)
C: A gate? How bad can a gate be?
R: Yog Sothoth w ill open the gate that w ill allow
Cthulhu to r ise and the Gr eat Old Ones to descend fr om
their hom es ?beyond the star s? in the far r ecesses of the
univer se. He w ill not, how ever , let you in or out of your
gar den. Yog Sothoth not only is the gate, he opens it, so
he opens him self. AND I r ead a LoveCr aft stor y w her e
he had tw o kids that w er e half human and had pink
tails. W hich I don?t r eally get, cuz Yog sothoth is
supposed to be a for m less blob w ith a loooot of eyes.
2. Yig
C: This one sounds calm
R: ? He?s the god of snakes, and in one stor y he
pr oduces half-snake, half hum an, ter r ible m onster
killer m utant childr en. So yeah. Waaaayyyyy chill.
C: Okay, then.
R: I don?t know a lot about this guy, but as a slyther in I
had to put him on the list. He?s inspir ed by Native
Am er ican cultur e? He?s father of the ser pent people.
1. Gr eat Cthulhu
R: OM G. This is, like, totes my fav-fav! So Gr eat
Cthulhu is a huge, tentacled dr agon-lizar d w ho
lives in dunklen place beneath the pacific ocean
called R'lyeh. Ah, my hom e sw eet hom e, beautiful
R'lyeh. So anyw ays, Cthulhu is deeply asleep, not
dead, but alm ost,t6 and som eday, He?s gonna r ise
for m the seas and eat us all. Also: He?s r unning for
pr esident in 2020. Look up
?cthulhufor am er ica.com ? and you?ll be in aw e of
the hor r or that is the inter net. Oh, and befor e you
ask m e, THE NAM E OF THE GREAT CTHULHU
CANNOT BE PRONOUNCED BY THE TONGUE OF
ONE W HO IS WOM AN BORN. (H.P. Lovecr aft gave
differ ent pr onunciations,b tu I pr onounce it
?Cuh-thoo-loo-hoo?). I m ean, w hat can i say?
Cthulhu is tr uly a beautiful, beautiful eldr itch
hor r or and I love him . * fangir ls w ildly* CTHULHU!
I LOVE YOU!
C: #scar ydr agonlizar dthingfor pr esident2020
R:...Ar e you m ocking m e? I tr ied to do ?Cthulhu
2020? fr o a thing for the year book at school and
they told m e it w as ?too political? and I?m sensitive
about it. Fun fact: His slogans include ?Cthulhu
2020: No M or e Year s? and ?Cthulhu for Pr esident:
This Tim e, W hy Not the Gr eater Evil?. I m ean,
r eally. Eating hum ans, destr oying civilizations,
m ocking the tr ue hor r or that is the Am er ican
political system r ight now ? W hat can?t Cthulhu do?
Answ er : m acr am e. He can?t fit His m onstr ous and
inconceivable claw s thr ough those little loops. And
He can never find a foundation that m atches His
beautiful, gr een, scaly skin tone.
C: Ar en?t you just a tiny bit concer ned about the
fact that ther e is a w hole w ebsite suppor ting this?
R: No. That w ebsite m akes m e happy w hen I?m sad,
and it m akes be believe in justice, peace, and the
Elector al College. It m akes m e believe in slim e,
doom , and happiness. * Sniffles* I-I love Gr eat
Cthulhu, okay?
C: W hatever floats your boat
R: M y sm all, infer ior boat (C: NO!), floating 10
thousand feet above a city of bizar r e ar chitectur e
and for gone, cr eepy glor y.
0.
R: The m ost hor r ifying cr eatur e of all: Walker
* bum bum bum *
C: I'm sor r y, Walker
R: NO SHE?S NOT ?
AAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
C: Well, thanks for r eading ? r em em ber to subm it,
and I?ll see you soon!
R: Also: spay and neuter your pets. And: ph'nglui
m glw 'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh w gah'nagl fhtagn! L, l,
Cthulhu fhtagn!
I dea Box Rev i ew W i t h a Gu est St ar ?! ?!
By Chloe Cr able and The Evil Guest Star
C: Hello, it's m e, and I w as w onder ing if you w ould
like another idea box r eview w ith a EVVVVIIILLL
per son. I am so happy I'm not for ever alone doing
these.
A: I AM A CAT, FLOW EY THE CAT, AND W HAT?S
W RONG W ITH THA?
C: ? AVA, IT'S A NEW SESSION! W E CAN'T KEEP
SINGING THAT SONG, OKAY?!?!?!
A: LET M E LIVE M Y DREAM , CHLOE!
C: Don?t let your dr eam s be m em es.
Question Num ber One: Sw itch cam p to the m etr ic
system .
C: Logic?
A: W W W HHHAAT???
C: Ava, no m or e cap locks
A: Okay.
C: We don't know this m uch logic, but okay. Figur e
out how to answ er this, Ava ? you?r e the guest star. I
do this like ever y other day.
A: Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhh ... * flips desk* ? ther e. That?s
it
C: Such w ow. Okay, w e actually did it. I'm happy.
Next question?
Question Num ber Tw o: Run ar ound cam pus,
shr ieking.
A: Okay. * Runs ar ound shr ieking*
C: No, Ava, I w ill actually do it. You just typed it. I w ill
do it at lunch tim e. If you hear d a gir l shr ieking,
r unning ar ound cam pus, that?s m e.
A: OM G, I can do it w ith you!!!
C: Good, now I w on't sound cr azy.
A: I am cr azy, so that is nor m al.
Question Num ber Thr ee: Get a paper cut and lick the
blood fr om it. Review it.
C: Okay, so I'm going to be honest her e. I love the
taste of blood. I'm actually ser ious.
A: OM G, I thought I w as the only peep w ho liked it.
C: Such cool. Anyw ay, you can't for ce your self to get a
paper cut.
C: I'm actually tr ying to r ight now , no kidding. Tr y it,
too, Ava. * Hands her a piece of paper *
A: * Takes paper *
C: Only one of us needs one...
[ONE HOUR LATER]
C: Still no paper cut ?
A: RRAAAAGGGGGEEE QUUUUIIIIT!
Question Num ber Four : Ar e they tennis shoes or
sneaker s?
C: SNEEEAAAKKKKEERS FORRR LIIIIFEEE!
A: * No com m ent* I like Uggs.
Question Num ber Five: Ar e you par t of the
illum inati? Explain w hy or w hy not.
C: * No com m ent*
A: M aybe yes, m aybe not?
A: Okay, fine, you got m e. I am in the
Illum inati.
C: Yes. * leaves the com puter and w alks
aw ay*
A: Uhhhhh.
A: I am the r uler , now ?
huehuehuehuehuehuehuehue
C: Honey, I'm hom e!
A: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Question Num ber Six: M ake Lizzy sinister
again #M LSA
C: Lizzy, The CIT. I know you?r e ther e. I know
you'r e my fir st per iod CIT. I KNOW HOW
EVIL YOU CAN BE BEE! EEEVVVVIIIILLLL!
A: Chloe, I am Lizzy.
C: Ava ? I lived my life in lies ? * Leaves desk
again*
A: Hey, I w as joking, but now I am r uler
again ? huehuehuehuehuehuehuehue
C: And ? I think that concludes the ar ticle
w ith our Guest Star.
A: * Leaves desk and star ts singing the cat
song fr om Session One*
A: OH I AM A CAT AND W HAT?S W RONG
W ITH THAT? (ever ything) I PROW L AND
SLINK W HEN I THINK THERE IS
SOM ETHING OVER THERE. (But ther e isn?t
som ething over ther e) THOUGH I CAN BE
QUIET AND KEEP TO M YSELF YOU COULD
LOOK UP AND SEE M E ON A SHELF (W hat if
w e looked dow n?) I AM A CAT (yes, you ar e a
cat) FLOW EY THE CAT (such tr ue) AND
W HAT?S W RONG W ITH THAT?! (ever ything,)
C: * bans Ava fr om the ar ticle*
C: I hear d her scr eam .
C: * unbans Ava*
A: m em e m em e m em e
C: Exactly Ava, don?t let your dr eam s be
m em es.
C: Okay, go on spam m ing m em e ... I w ill
actually add a closing.
C: Okay, so this w asn't the BEST Idea Box
Review I've done, especially because of our
guest star. But it w as still okay. And that
concludes the ar ticle. Rem em ber , I w ill
alw ays tr y to get a paper cut. And if you
hear d tw o people scr eam ing on August 4th
then that w as us tr ying to fulfill a question.
Byeeeeeee
A: BBBBBBBYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!