Preening

Techniques > Use of body language > Core patterns > Preening
Pattern | Found in | Discussion | See also

Pattern
'Preening' is act of faked cleaning or tidying that is common in courtship rituals across the animal
kingdom. birds pick at their feathers, chimps pick at fleas and humans tidy themselves to look
good for their prospective partners. Actions include:
• Straightening the tie or other clothes.
• Looking in a mirror.
• Curling lips to even out lipstick.
• Brushing imaginary lint off arms or legs.
• Patting down hair or combing it with the fingers.
Found in
• Chin body language
• Hair body language
• Leg body language
• Lips body language
Discussion
Preening happens a lot before people meet as people deliberately make themselves attractive.
Women in particular spend time in the bathroom primping themselves up. This can be a
competitive signal to other women ('I'm more beautiful than you, so don't bother competing with
me!').
As an act in front of another person, preening says 'Look, I am making myself beautiful for you!' It
may be combined with the look away -- look up flirting pattern.
Sometimes preening is just about vanity, as self-obsessed narcissists make themselves beautiful
just for themselves. It says 'I am too wonderful for you, but not for me.'
Preening is also touching oneself which, when done as gentle stroking, can be done romantically
as an offer ('Wouldn't you like to touch me like this? I might just let you...').
Self-touching can also be a sign of insecurity, so watch for other signs. Preening is done with
confidence and even arrogance ('I am so wonderful, you will not be able to resist me!').

Lips body language

Lips can say a lot of things without words. Our muscles around them mean we can shape them
with incredibly fine control. Lipstick is used to draw attention to the lips, thus exaggerating further
the signals sent by them.
Parted
Lips which are slightly parted can be a strong flirting signal, particularly if the lips are then licked
and even more so if done whilst holding the gaze of another person.
Parting lips is the first stage in speaking and may thus be a signal that the person wants to talk.
Pursed
Lips which are pulled inwards from all directions are an indication of tension and may indicate
frustration or disapproval.
Pursed lips are a classic sign of anger, including when it is suppressed. It is effectively holding
the mouth shut to prevent the person saying what they feel like saying.
Puckered
A light puckering of the lips into a kiss shape typically indicates desire. It can also indicate
uncertainty, particularly if the lips are touched with the fingers.
When you say 'oo', the lips form the kiss shape. This is one reason that romantic songs often
linger on words like 'you' and 'too'.
Flattened
Lips which are kept horizontal but squeezed flat are an exaggerated closing of the mouth and
hence indicate a repressed desire to speak. This indicate disapproval ('If I spoke I would be very
critical, which I do not want to be'). It can also indicate frustration ('I want to speak, but others are
speaking and I feel I should wait').
Flattened lips can also indicate a refusal to eat, either because of dislike of offered food or some
other motivation.
Turned up
When the corners of the mouth are turned upwards, this can be a grimace of disgust or a smile of
pleasure. In a grimace, the teeth are unlikely to be shown (although toothless smiles are also
common). Grimaces are often flatter and tenser.
A full smile engages the whole face, particularly including the eyes. Smiling with lips only is often
falsehood, where the smiler wants to convey pleasure or approval but is actually feeling
something else.
Turned down
Corners of the mouth turned down indicates sadness or displeasure.
Some people are so miserable so often, this is the natural state of rest of their mouths (which is
perhaps rather sad).
Retracted
When the lips are pulled back, they expose the teeth. This may be in a broad smile or it may be a
snarl of aggression. The eyes should tell you which is which. In a snarl, the eyes are either
narrowed or staring. In a full smile, the corners of the eyes are creased.
Moving
Lips which are moving in the shape of words but without making sounds means that the person is
thinking of saying the words. This subvocalization often happens with very small movement and
is often completely subconscious. Stage mentalists use this when they ask their 'victims' to think
hard of a word and then lip-read as they silently sound the word.
Up and down movement may indicate chewing. Some people chew the insides of their mouths
when they are nervous.
Rolling in the lips so they roll across one another can be a preening gesture for women, evening
out lipstick. It can also be a sign of uncertainty or disapproval (look for accompanying lowered
eyebrows).
Twitching
Small, lightning-fast movements of the mouth betray inner thoughts, for example a single twitch of
the corner of the mouth that indicates cynicism or disbelief.
Liars in particular will often give themselves away with very brief grimaces as their conscience
expresses disapproval of the conscious lies.
Protruding
When the top lip is over the bottom lip, this may be linked with biting of the bottom lip, a common
indicator that the person is feeling guilty about something.
The bottom lip extended over the top lip can indicate uncertainty, as if the person is saying 'umm'.
The bottom lip jutting out is often a part of a sulky pout, where the person expresses child-like
petulance at not getting their own way.
Both lips pressed together and pushed out generally indicates doubt. If the finger touches them, it
may indicate internal thinking or may say 'I am considering speaking but am not quite ready to
talk yet'.
Biting
Biting the lip, centrally or at the side, is often a sign of anxiety. Usually, this is the bottom lip
(especially if the person has overhanging top teeth). This may be a habitual action and people
who do this, will often repeat the move in predictable situations.
This is a fairly child-like action, especially if accompanied by wide eyes and eyebrows raised in
the middle and lowered at the sides, and thus may betray concern about being told off or
otherwise being censured in the manner of a child.
Relaxed
Finally, the lips will have a position of rest when they are not pulled in any direction. This usually
indicates that the person is also feeling relaxed.
Leg body language

Techniques > Use of body language > Parts-of-the-body language > Leg body language

Open Closed | Crossed | Pointing | Moving | Striking | Touching | See also

Legs are interesting in the field of non-verbal body language as the may say a lot without us really
realizing.

In particular when a person is trying to control their body language, they typically concentrate on
the upper body. The legs may thus tell what they are thinking. If the legs and upper body are in
conflict, then there is a possible of deliberate control.

Open
Standing
Legs which are held apart when standing provide a stable base for the person. Standing with feet
about the width of the shoulders is a normal, relaxed pose. Slightly wider indicates that the
person feels grounded and confident.

A wider stance makes the body wider and hence appear bigger and is a signal of power and
dominance. This also takes up more territory and shows domination.

Taking a stable position is readying the body in case the other person attacks and can be a
cautious position.

Open legs displays and makes vulnerable the genitals. This can be a sexual display (especially
men to women) or a show of power (especially between men).

When one foot is forward and the other behind, this can be taking a extra stable position in case
of frontal attack (as with martial artists). It can also be a frozen walk, indicating that the person
wants to go somewhere (which way are they pointing?).

Sitting
Sitting with slightly open legs is a relaxed position, showing the person is comfortable. One or
both legs may be flopped down sideways as far as they can go.

Sitting allows a wider opening of the legs and can thus be even more of a sexual 'crotch display'.
If the person is a bit worried about this, then their hands may cover the genitals.

Closed
Standing
When the person is standing with feet together (or less that a relaxed shoulder-width) then this
may display anxiety as it makes them smaller as a target and gives some protection to the
genitals.

A fully-closed standing position has knees touching. Increased desire for protection may be
indicated by the person turning slightly to the side, leaning forwards a little or pulling the hips
back.

Note that a closed position also happens when the person is cold.

Sitting
When sitting, the knees may be held gently or tightly together, depending on the anxiety level.
Crossed
As with arms, crossing legs can protective and negative, shielding the person from other people
and their ideas.

Tension may be seen in crossed legs and greater anxiety leads to legs held more rigidly and
which move more jerkily.

Crossed legs can also mean that the person wants to visit the toilet!

Standing
Crossing legs when standing can be an indication of shyness or being coy and may be
accompanied by such as hands held behind the back and a lowered head.

This is an unstable position and the person may sway a little. Being so easy to be pushed over
and slow to unwind and run away, this is seldom a defensive stance, although it can be
submissive.

Sitting
Crossing legs is much easier when sitting and can take several different forms.

Crossing ankles is a minimal cross and can be fairly relaxed, especially when the legs are
stretched forward and the person is leaning back (and more so if the hands are behind the head).
When more tension is seen, for example in clenched hands, then this may be a signal of self-
restraint.

An ankle cross with legs tucked under the chair can indicate concealed anxiety. The concern may
be more obvious if the person is leaning forward.

Crossing knees may indicate greater anxiety or defensiveness, particularly if the legs appear
tense and even more so if one leg is wrapped firmly around the other.

A relaxed cross with lower legs falling close together needs a wider pelvis and hence may be
used as a sexual signal by women, particularly if they have exposed legs.

The figure-four cross occurs where one ankle is placed on top of the other legs' knee, with top
leg's knee pointing sideways. This can be a surreptitious crotch display, and is more common
amongst men as it invites females and challenges other males. This may be covered with hands
that hold the shin or ankle of the top leg.

Pointing
Legs may be used to point to things of interest, as with other parts of the body. The reverse is
also true and pulling a leg back may show disinterest.

Standing
When standing, one leg may point at an angle with both foot and knee, for example in a
conversation where a person who wants to leave points at the door. Pointing anywhere away
from the other person means 'I want to be elsewhere'.

Sometimes, when the genitals are exposed in a crotch display the legs do point to the side, but
this is not the real message that is being sent.

Sitting
When sitting, legs do not have to support the body but they are more visible and so send more
obvious messages (unless they are under a table, where they still may subconsciously point in a
direction of interest).
Sitting legs may point with knees or feet at interesting other people, as well as desired direction of
travel.

Sitting forward with one foot pointing away and the other back is preparation to stand up and is a
common signal that the person wants to leave or go somewhere.

Moving
Moving legs sometimes is just exercising them to get the circulation moving more and loosen
cramped muscles. Sometimes also this sends a signal.

Standing
Swinging a leg when standing can act as a pointer. Bouncing the leg can indicate impatience.

Moving a leg is one way of getting closer to another person without full body movement. Pulling it
back shows disinterest. When the leg moves back and fore towards and away from a person it
may be a subtle 'Attraction-rejection' game that invites the other person to chase after you.

If done in time to music, especially if it bounces the upper body, it can be an invitation to dance
(females sometimes deliberately do this to make their breasts bounce and so entice a male).

Sitting
A crossed leg may bounce up and down. This can be a sign of impatience (particularly if rapid) or
attraction, as with standing movement. It may also be rather obvious pointing. When sitting, a
knee waving sideways can also indicate impatience or point sideways.

The leg may also swing in time to music, indicating that the person is relaxed and enjoying the
vibe (and perhaps inviting others to join in).

Striking
Legs can also be weapons, as all martial artists know. Legs are longer than arms and have much
bigger muscles. This can make a kick very powerful.

The legs can hit with thigh or knee (such as in the groin strike), the shin (a nice hard bone) or the
top, ball or side of the foot.

Actual striking is rare, but moving as if to kick someone can come from a desire to actually do so.
A slight twitch in the right direction can thus signal aggression and cause embarrassment.
Swinging the leg may simulate kicking.

Touching
Standing
When standing, not much of the leg can be touched. The bottom or thighs may be stroked
seductively. They may also be slapped. A single slap can say 'Right, let's go' and signal that the
person is about to make a suggestion. A slapped side of leg may also indicate irritation, saying
'Dang! What a nuisance!'

Sitting
When sitting, more of the leg may be reached, particularly in the figure-four cross-leg position,
and in a more visible manner. Seductive stroking can thus be a strong sexual invitation.

Preening may also be used, brushing real or imagined bits of fluff off crossed legs.

The leg may also be tapped, perhaps in time to music and perhaps impatiently.

Moving forward
 Techniques > Use of body language > Core patterns > Moving forward
Pattern | Found in | Discussion | See also

Pattern
When a person moves forward, even slightly, they are sending signals.
• Reaching forward with arms and hands, giving, grabbing or striking.
• Pushing the head forward.
• Thrusting the hips suggestively forward.
• Leaning forward.
• Stepping forward.
Found in
• Arm body language
• Hand body language
• Head body language
• Hips body language
Discussion
Moving forward can be an act of aggression and so signal anger, especially if it is done quickly
and in concert with other aggressive signals such as an angry expression on the face. As such it
is an invitation for the other person either to move away or to fight.
We all have defined personal spaces and moving forward may transition between social and
intimate space, signalling a desire to be closer to the other person. Other signals will indicate the
actual intent (there are many romantic signals, for example).

Arm body language

Techniques > Use of body language > Parts-of-the-body language > Arm body language
Expanding | Shaping | Raising | Weapon | Crossing | Reaching forward | Pulling back | See also

The arm is an interesting appendages with a ball at the top, a hinge in the middle, and with a rather
complex toolset at the end.
Watch also for arms held still -- this is often the first place the deceiver starts when trying to control body
language (they may even hold one arm with the other to keep them both still).
Expanding
Arms are clever expanding devices that can make us bigger or smaller, reaching out without having to
move the rest of our body.
They can extend towards the other person, either in threat or a more friendly way. Moved directly and
quickly they threaten. Curved and moving more slowly they may offer comfort.
The can also extend laterally, sometimes as a part of a body-expanding 'I am big' display that can signify
confidence or perhaps aggression.
Shaping
Arms are used as a part of shaping as we wave them around and carve out the world. They are an adjunct
to our words as we literally show other people how big the fish was or how small the child is.
When we are excited or confident, we may wave our arms about like windmills. When we are less
confident, our shaping is smaller and closer to the body.
This waving of arms needs control and a person who bangs their hand on something may indicate
clumsiness.
Raising
Raising the arms lifts something up. Done rapidly, it throws things into the air. With both arms, it
exaggerates it further. A typical two-arm-raising gesture is frustration, as everything that is
weighing the person down with confusion is thrown up into the air. Coupled with a shrug it
indicates confusion ('I don't know!!').
Weapon
Arms can be like weapons. They can symbolize clubs and spears as they strike out at imaginary foes.
They can also be defensive, blocking and sweeping away attacks. In martial arts arms can be
used to block and strike and this is reflected in how they may be used in communication.
Crossing
Arms can act as the doorway to the body and the self. When they are crossed, they form a closed
defensive shield, blocking out the outside world. Shields act in two ways: one is to block incoming
attacks and the other is a place behind which the person can hide and perhaps not be noticed.
Crossed arms thus indicate anxiety which is either driven by a lack of trust in the other person or an
internal discomfort and sense of vulnerability (that may, for example, be rooted in childhood
trauma).
The extent of crossing indicates how firmly closed the person is. This may range from a light cross to arms
folded to arms wrapped around the person. An extreme version which may indicate additional
hostility is a tight close with hands formed as fists. If legs are crossed also then this adds to the
signal.
The hands in an arm-cross may also be used to hold the person in a reassuring self-hug, for example
holding upper arms in a folded-arms position or wrapped around the torso, holding the sides. If
the thumbs are up, this may indicate some approval or agreement with what is being said.
When arms are not crossed, they expose the torso and the person, making them more vulnerable. This
signifies comfort that often indicates trust. It can also be power position that dares the other
person to attack whilst knowing that the other person dare not.
Crossed arms is a very obvious signal and if you do it in front of other people they will likely feel rejected
and respond accordingly (including not agreeing with you).
Note that not all crossed arms are defensive. Sometimes folded arms, for example, are just a relaxed
position. Crossed arms are also used when the person is cold (this is typically done with hands
tucked under armpits to keep them warm).
A common method sales people use to break a crossed-arms closed position is to give the person
something to hold or otherwise ask them to use their hands.
Reaching forward
Reaching forward to the other person can be quite scary for them as you could attack them, and a sudden
thrust forward can indeed be an aggressive signal, especially if the hand is pointing or shaped as
a fist.
Reaching forward can also be an offer of support or affection, seeking to touch and join with the other
person.
Pulling back
When arms are thrust forward, they are the first thing that may be grabbed or attacked. When a person
feels defensive they may pull back their arms out of harm's way.

Romantic body language

Techniques > Using body language > Romantic body language

From afar | Up close | See also

A significant cluster of body movements has to do with romance, signaling to a person of the
opposite sex that you are interested in partnering with them.

From afar
From afar, the first task of body language is to signal interest (and then to watch for reciprocal
body language).

Eyes
The eyes do much signaling. Initially and from a distance, a person may look at you for slightly
longer than normal, then look away, then look back up at you, again for a longer period.
Preening
There are many preening gestures. What you are basically saying with this is 'I am making myself
look good for you'. This includes tossing of the head, brushing hair with hand, polishing
spectacles and brushing clothes.

Enacting
Remote romantic language may also include enactment of sexually stimulating activities, for
example caressing oneself, for example stroking arms, leg or face. This may either say 'I would
like to stroke you like this' or 'I would like you to stroke me like this'.

Similarly, the person (women in particular) may lick and purse their lips into a kiss shape and
leave their mouth slightly open in imitation of sexual readiness.

Objects held may be also used in enactment displays, including cigarettes and wine glasses, for
example rolling and stroking them.

Displaying
Attractive parts of the body may be exposed, thrust forward, wiggled or otherwise highlighted. For
women this includes breasts, neck, bottom and legs. For men it includes a muscular torso, arms
or legs, and particularly the crotch (note that women seldom do this).

Faking often happens. Pressing together muscles gives the impression of higher muscle tone.
Pressing together and lifting breasts (sometimes helped with an appropriate brassiere) makes
them look firmer and larger. Holding out shoulders and arms makes the body look bigger. Holding
in the abdomen gives the impression of a firm tummy.

This is often playing to primitive needs. Women show that they are healthy and that they are able
to bear and feed the man's child. The man shows he is virile, strong and able to protect the
woman and her child.

Leaning
Leaning your body towards another person says 'I would like to be closer to you'. It also tests to
see whether they lean towards you or away from you. It can start with the head with a simple tilt
or may use the entire torso. This may be coupled with listening intently to what they say, again
showing particular interest in them.

Pointing
A person who is interested in you may subtly point at you with a foot, knee, arm or head. It is
effectively a signal that says 'I would like to go in this direction'.

Other displays
Other forms of more distant display that are intended to attract include:

Sensual or dramatic dancing (too dramatic, and it can have the opposite effect).
Crotch display, where (particularly male) legs are held apart to show off genitalia.
Faked interest in others, to invoke envy or hurry a closer engagement.
Nodding gently, as if to say 'Yes, I do like you.'
Up close
When you are close to the other person, the body language progressively gets more intimate until
one person signals 'enough'.

Close in and personal

In moving closer to the other person, you move from social space into their personal body space,
showing how you would like to get even closer to them, perhaps holding them and more...
Standing square-on to them also blocks anyone else from joining the conversation and signals to
others to stay away.

Copying
Imitating the person in some way shows 'I am like you'. This can range from a similar body
position to using the same gestures and language.

Lovers' gaze
When you are standing close to them, you will holding each other's gaze for longer and longer
periods before looking away. You many also use what are called 'doe eyes' or 'bedroom eyes',
which are often slightly moist and with the head inclined slightly down.

Where the eyes go is important. Looking at lips means 'I want to kiss'. Looking at other parts of
the body may mean 'I want to touch'.

A very subtle signal that few realize is that the eyes will dilate such that the dark pupils get much
bigger (this is one reason why dark-eyed people can seem attractive).

Touching
Touching signals even closer intimacy. It may start with 'accidental' brushing, followed by
touching of 'safe' parts of the body such as arms or back.

Caressing is gentle stroking that may start in the safer regions and then stray (especially when
alone) to sexual regions.

'Attraction-rejection' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Attraction-rejection' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Attention

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
B is attracted to A

B advances towards A.

A moves away from B.

B stops pursuing A.

A is attracted to B.

A advances towards B.

B moves away from A.

A stops pursuing B.
The pattern then repeats ad infinitum.

Discussion
This is the classic romantic pursuit game, and can happen at very subtle ways, for example:

Girl fancies boy and makes eye contact.

Boy is attracted and continues eye contact (pursuit).
Girl looks away (rejection)
Boy looks away (retreat)
Girl looks at boy and holds eye contact for longer (pursuit)
Girl looks away again (rejection)
Boy goes over to girl to say hello (pursuit)
Girl plays hard-to-get (rejection)
...etc.
Rejection works because of the Scarcity principle, where we desire what we cannot have.

This game, played well, is like fishing. Try to reach completion too soon and the fish slips away.
This happens, for example, when a boy gets too enthusiastic and doesn't stop chasing the girl.
The girl feel overwhelmed and sends 'end of game' signals (which may have to be quite blunt).

This game of attraction-then-rejection can be played on many persuasive stages, including sales
and negotiation, where both sides dance around each other, making and rejecting advances and
offers.

So what?
See the dance of attraction and rejection in your persuasion. Avoid chasing too hard. Also avoid
running too fast away from the other person - it is often useful go a little way and pause to see if
they are following!
Book review: The Two Step

Book reviews > The Two Step

This is a very different kind of book, yet one that richly deserves to be included in this set of
reviews.

The basic premise is that in seeking intimacy (the book is subtitled 'The dance towards intimacy'),
people play a two-handed and alternating chance game of 'Seeker and Sought'.

Done entirely as a set of almost 150 pages of cartoons, it describes the dance in an amusing and
yet highly educative way.

Seeker and Sought

Both Seeker and Sought gain from the game. The Seeker has hope of achieving their goal of
catching. The Sought enjoys the identity boost that the Seeker's attention gives them. Both enjoy
the thrill of the chase, where the Seeker fears failure and rejection whilst the Sought fears being
caught (at least too soon) and perhaps being rejected after consummation.

Power struggles
The result is a power struggle that plays out as a dance, where different forms attention, chase,
rejection, conquest and submission are used to control one another's movements, where each at
times seems more powerful than the other.
Territorial Games may form a part of this struggle, with the distance between the players as a
critical measure.

Balance
As with most games, both enjoy the game so much, completion can result in the relationship
deteriorating, such as when a long courtship ends in a disastrous relationship. Throughout the
game, an equitable balance needs to be maintained with appropriate reciprocity so that both can
travel hopefully. If either gives or tries to take too much, then the other will give up and game fails.

To make this balance work, each learns the rules and the game can fall into habits that either
sustain it for a long time or cause boredom and frustration that leads to its demise.

A way of maintaining the balance is for the players to switch roles. As the Seeker gives up, the
Sought detects this and chases them, thus maintaining the game.

Intimacy
The ultimate goal is to gradually reduce the gap so intimacy can occur and both can enjoy
consummation of the relationship. Power is given up to gain closeness. But even this is not
stasis, and before long the dance returns.

Although targeted primarily at explaining sexual intimacy (and seduction, although it does not
exactly say this), the book is also a brilliant and detailed exposition of general chase games, such
as 'Catch me if you can' game.

'Catch me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Catch me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Escape

Secondary: Sympathy

Game play
B is trying to catch A, for example because A owes B something, from money to answering a
simple question or just giving attention.

B tries every trick in the book to collect, from wheedling to name-and-shame to lawyers.

A uses every trick in the other book, from hiding to bold promises to pleas of poverty.

B corners A and plays 'Now I've got you', but A gets away to continue the game.

Discussion
Both enjoy the thrill of the chase. They also can then tell bar-room stories, such as 'Poor me' or
'Clever me', gaining appropriate sympathy. 'Poor me' is particularly useful for rich people who feel
isolated or guilty about their wealth.
This game is played by many groups, from landlords and tenants to attention-seeking children
and their busy parents. Children practice this in playground chase and hiding games. So do
courting lovers.

So what?
As a chaser, plan your approach then stick to it - beware of being led on a merry dance. As the
chased, draw chasers into the game. Give the satisfaction of having something to complain
about, such that they gain pleasure from the game.

See also
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine
Books

Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books

Stop me if you can

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > Stop me if you can

Purpose | Game play | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Escape, excuse

Secondary: Attention

Game play
A has a problem, from alcoholism or other addiction to anti-social behavior.

B is persecutor who berates A, and also gives A an excuse to continue - e.g. as an escape or as
reactive revenge. A's habit may also give excuse for A's bad behavior, such as beating up B (who
can then play 'Poor me').

C is rescuer who tries to cure A (and can play 'I'm only trying to help'). A goes along with C for a
while, getting attention and sympathy, but is actually playing 'See if you can stop me'. A can
repeat the game by offering remorse and playing 'This time it's real'.

D is the bartender or drug pusher who actively helps A and profits from A's behavior, and can
play conspiratorial games such as 'Go on, have another, nobody will know'.
You may also get E, a friendly figure, who reassures A and hence legitimizes the behavior.

Legitimization and perpetuation also happens through well-meaning organizations such as

Alcoholics Anonymous, where the addict gets to tell their story over and over, and receive
attention and sympathy as a reward.

When A's get together they indulge in pastimes such as boasting about what/how much they
have consumed and how terrible their hangover/withdrawal is.

B's and C's can also play games together, such as 'Ain't it awful'.

So what?
Refuse to play rescue games. Do not offer sympathy. Prevent them from getting legitimization
elsewhere. Expose the game. Give them information to let them decide when they are ready.
See also
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine
Books

Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books

'Poor me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Poor me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Sympathy, Displacement

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
A gets into a situation where they feel hard done by, where the world in general or someone in
particular is unfair to them.

A tells the story to B, lamenting how unlucky they are, how unfair things are.

B offers sympathy and concern.

B also now has gained some social capital from this and can ask for something in return.

Discussion
A's source of pain can include other games such as 'Stop me if you can' where A is the real
cause of the situation, or variants of the Blame game.

This is an archetypal victim game, although victimhood is at the heart of many other games.
People who play victim in various situations often get their reward later on in poor me sessions
where an accomplice offers them sympathy. Victims also get the benefit of absolving themselves
from responsibility. Nothing is felt to be really their fault (although they may berate themselves).
They are victims of circumstance and other people. They enjoy the anticipation of hope of rescue
in the manner of the helpless child.

If there is nobody else, then an alternative is to play the second person themselves. This lack of
support, of course, just gives another reason to feel 'poor me'.

A common response from B that balances out the social capital is to also do a 'Poor me'. The
game can then become a to-and-fro discussion of how terrible and downtrodden they are.

Note that there is a big difference between the victim in a game and a 'real-life' victim. The game
victim enters into the state voluntarily (albeit often subconsciously) and gains some comfort from
this state, as described above. The real victim is the person mugged on the streets or an orphan
in a war-torn country, who has no choice: they are made a victim by circumstance or the actions
of others.

So what?
If you are happy to be the shoulder to cry on for other people, then you can gain social capital
and ask for something in return.

Also, watch out for becoming the person about whom A is complaining.

'Poor me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Poor me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Sympathy, Displacement

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
A gets into a situation where they feel hard done by, where the world in general or someone in
particular is unfair to them.

A tells the story to B, lamenting how unlucky they are, how unfair things are.

B offers sympathy and concern.

B also now has gained some social capital from this and can ask for something in return.

Discussion
A's source of pain can include other games such as 'Stop me if you can' where A is the real
cause of the situation, or variants of the Blame game.

This is an archetypal victim game, although victimhood is at the heart of many other games.
People who play victim in various situations often get their reward later on in poor me sessions
where an accomplice offers them sympathy. Victims also get the benefit of absolving themselves
from responsibility. Nothing is felt to be really their fault (although they may berate themselves).
They are victims of circumstance and other people. They enjoy the anticipation of hope of rescue
in the manner of the helpless child.

If there is nobody else, then an alternative is to play the second person themselves. This lack of
support, of course, just gives another reason to feel 'poor me'.

A common response from B that balances out the social capital is to also do a 'Poor me'. The
game can then become a to-and-fro discussion of how terrible and downtrodden they are.

Note that there is a big difference between the victim in a game and a 'real-life' victim. The game
victim enters into the state voluntarily (albeit often subconsciously) and gains some comfort from
this state, as described above. The real victim is the person mugged on the streets or an orphan
in a war-torn country, who has no choice: they are made a victim by circumstance or the actions
of others.

So what?
If you are happy to be the shoulder to cry on for other people, then you can gain social capital
and ask for something in return.
Also, watch out for becoming the person about whom A is complaining.
Credentials

Disciplines > Negotiation > Negotiation tactics > Credentials

Description | Example | Discussion | See also

Description
Show how you are qualified to say the things you will say.

Put your qualifications on your business card.

Talk about your experience. Show how you have practiced what you preach.

Name-drop. Show how you are friends with the rich, famous and influential.

If appropriate, compare their credentials with yours.

Example
When I was talking with the CEO the other day, he though my ideas for new products were, as
usual, quite outstanding.

You know, I've been doing projects like this for twenty years, and I've always found that building
the plan with all stakeholders an essential activity.

I have a Ph.D. in the subject. What about you?

Discussion
In negotiation you are often selling yourself as well as the idea that you want to get across to the
other person. If they believe in you, then they are more likely to believe in your ideas.

When we know that another person is well-qualified in one area, we may assume that they are
generally intelligent and able to pronounce on things in completely unrelated areas. Thus, for
example, a doctorate in anthropology will be seen first as a doctorate. The letters 'Ph.D.' after
your name will often impress others and prevent them from questioning what you assert.

Demonstrating how you are qualified or experienced lets the other person know that what you say
is true. In a collaborative situation, this will build the relationship and create confidence. In a
competitive situation, it effectively says 'I know more than you. What I say is true and what you
say is false.'

Using humor

Techniques > Using humor

Humor is a surprisingly useful and subtle way of persuading, and can be used in all kinds of
situations. Here are a few notes about using humor:
Benefits of using humor: Have fun whilst building communication and more.
Becoming a child: Have fun whilst building your leadership status.
Laughter: Open expression of humor.
Politically-incorrect humor: Non-PC humor is mostly not a good idea. Mostly.
The bottom line of humor is to be always genuine and to have fun! Forced humor sounds forced,
and even though a false smile is difficult, a forced laugh always sounds particularly hollow.

Freud saw humor as based in the rush of pleasure comes from sudden release of tension.
Tension is released when because repressed impulses suddenly allowed expression when the
punch-line evades the internal censor (or anti-cathexis) via the element of surprise. The
preponderance of sexual humor also supports a Freudian view.

See also
 Preening

Techniques > Use of body language > Core patterns > Preening
Pattern | Found in | Discussion | See also

Pattern
'Preening' is act of faked cleaning or tidying that is common in courtship rituals across the animal
kingdom. birds pick at their feathers, chimps pick at fleas and humans tidy themselves to look
good for their prospective partners. Actions include:
• Straightening the tie or other clothes.
• Looking in a mirror.
• Curling lips to even out lipstick.
• Brushing imaginary lint off arms or legs.
• Patting down hair or combing it with the fingers.
Found in
• Chin body language
• Hair body language
• Leg body language
• Lips body language
Discussion
Preening happens a lot before people meet as people deliberately make themselves attractive.
Women in particular spend time in the bathroom primping themselves up. This can be a
competitive signal to other women ('I'm more beautiful than you, so don't bother competing with
me!').
As an act in front of another person, preening says 'Look, I am making myself beautiful for you!' It
may be combined with the look away -- look up flirting pattern.
Sometimes preening is just about vanity, as self-obsessed narcissists make themselves beautiful
just for themselves. It says 'I am too wonderful for you, but not for me.'
Preening is also touching oneself which, when done as gentle stroking, can be done romantically
as an offer ('Wouldn't you like to touch me like this? I might just let you...').
Self-touching can also be a sign of insecurity, so watch for other signs. Preening is done with
confidence and even arrogance ('I am so wonderful, you will not be able to resist me!').

Lips body language

Lips can say a lot of things without words. Our muscles around them mean we can shape them
with incredibly fine control. Lipstick is used to draw attention to the lips, thus exaggerating further
the signals sent by them.
Parted
Lips which are slightly parted can be a strong flirting signal, particularly if the lips are then licked
and even more so if done whilst holding the gaze of another person.
Parting lips is the first stage in speaking and may thus be a signal that the person wants to talk.
Pursed
Lips which are pulled inwards from all directions are an indication of tension and may indicate
frustration or disapproval.
Pursed lips are a classic sign of anger, including when it is suppressed. It is effectively holding
the mouth shut to prevent the person saying what they feel like saying.
Puckered
A light puckering of the lips into a kiss shape typically indicates desire. It can also indicate
uncertainty, particularly if the lips are touched with the fingers.
When you say 'oo', the lips form the kiss shape. This is one reason that romantic songs often
linger on words like 'you' and 'too'.
Flattened
Lips which are kept horizontal but squeezed flat are an exaggerated closing of the mouth and
hence indicate a repressed desire to speak. This indicate disapproval ('If I spoke I would be very
critical, which I do not want to be'). It can also indicate frustration ('I want to speak, but others are
speaking and I feel I should wait').
Flattened lips can also indicate a refusal to eat, either because of dislike of offered food or some
other motivation.
Turned up
When the corners of the mouth are turned upwards, this can be a grimace of disgust or a smile of
pleasure. In a grimace, the teeth are unlikely to be shown (although toothless smiles are also
common). Grimaces are often flatter and tenser.
A full smile engages the whole face, particularly including the eyes. Smiling with lips only is often
falsehood, where the smiler wants to convey pleasure or approval but is actually feeling
something else.
Turned down
Corners of the mouth turned down indicates sadness or displeasure.
Some people are so miserable so often, this is the natural state of rest of their mouths (which is
perhaps rather sad).
Retracted
When the lips are pulled back, they expose the teeth. This may be in a broad smile or it may be a
snarl of aggression. The eyes should tell you which is which. In a snarl, the eyes are either
narrowed or staring. In a full smile, the corners of the eyes are creased.
Moving
Lips which are moving in the shape of words but without making sounds means that the person is
thinking of saying the words. This subvocalization often happens with very small movement and
is often completely subconscious. Stage mentalists use this when they ask their 'victims' to think
hard of a word and then lip-read as they silently sound the word.
Up and down movement may indicate chewing. Some people chew the insides of their mouths
when they are nervous.
Rolling in the lips so they roll across one another can be a preening gesture for women, evening
out lipstick. It can also be a sign of uncertainty or disapproval (look for accompanying lowered
eyebrows).
Twitching
Small, lightning-fast movements of the mouth betray inner thoughts, for example a single twitch of
the corner of the mouth that indicates cynicism or disbelief.
Liars in particular will often give themselves away with very brief grimaces as their conscience
expresses disapproval of the conscious lies.
Protruding
When the top lip is over the bottom lip, this may be linked with biting of the bottom lip, a common
indicator that the person is feeling guilty about something.
The bottom lip extended over the top lip can indicate uncertainty, as if the person is saying 'umm'.
The bottom lip jutting out is often a part of a sulky pout, where the person expresses child-like
petulance at not getting their own way.
Both lips pressed together and pushed out generally indicates doubt. If the finger touches them, it
may indicate internal thinking or may say 'I am considering speaking but am not quite ready to
talk yet'.
Biting
Biting the lip, centrally or at the side, is often a sign of anxiety. Usually, this is the bottom lip
(especially if the person has overhanging top teeth). This may be a habitual action and people
who do this, will often repeat the move in predictable situations.
This is a fairly child-like action, especially if accompanied by wide eyes and eyebrows raised in
the middle and lowered at the sides, and thus may betray concern about being told off or
otherwise being censured in the manner of a child.
Relaxed
Finally, the lips will have a position of rest when they are not pulled in any direction. This usually
indicates that the person is also feeling relaxed.
Leg body language

Techniques > Use of body language > Parts-of-the-body language > Leg body language

Open Closed | Crossed | Pointing | Moving | Striking | Touching | See also

Legs are interesting in the field of non-verbal body language as the may say a lot without us really
realizing.

In particular when a person is trying to control their body language, they typically concentrate on
the upper body. The legs may thus tell what they are thinking. If the legs and upper body are in
conflict, then there is a possible of deliberate control.

Open
Standing
Legs which are held apart when standing provide a stable base for the person. Standing with feet
about the width of the shoulders is a normal, relaxed pose. Slightly wider indicates that the
person feels grounded and confident.

A wider stance makes the body wider and hence appear bigger and is a signal of power and
dominance. This also takes up more territory and shows domination.

Taking a stable position is readying the body in case the other person attacks and can be a
cautious position.

Open legs displays and makes vulnerable the genitals. This can be a sexual display (especially
men to women) or a show of power (especially between men).

When one foot is forward and the other behind, this can be taking a extra stable position in case
of frontal attack (as with martial artists). It can also be a frozen walk, indicating that the person
wants to go somewhere (which way are they pointing?).

Sitting
Sitting with slightly open legs is a relaxed position, showing the person is comfortable. One or
both legs may be flopped down sideways as far as they can go.

Sitting allows a wider opening of the legs and can thus be even more of a sexual 'crotch display'.
If the person is a bit worried about this, then their hands may cover the genitals.

Closed
Standing
When the person is standing with feet together (or less that a relaxed shoulder-width) then this
may display anxiety as it makes them smaller as a target and gives some protection to the
genitals.

A fully-closed standing position has knees touching. Increased desire for protection may be
indicated by the person turning slightly to the side, leaning forwards a little or pulling the hips
back.

Note that a closed position also happens when the person is cold.

Sitting
When sitting, the knees may be held gently or tightly together, depending on the anxiety level.
Crossed
As with arms, crossing legs can protective and negative, shielding the person from other people
and their ideas.

Tension may be seen in crossed legs and greater anxiety leads to legs held more rigidly and
which move more jerkily.

Crossed legs can also mean that the person wants to visit the toilet!

Standing
Crossing legs when standing can be an indication of shyness or being coy and may be
accompanied by such as hands held behind the back and a lowered head.

This is an unstable position and the person may sway a little. Being so easy to be pushed over
and slow to unwind and run away, this is seldom a defensive stance, although it can be
submissive.

Sitting
Crossing legs is much easier when sitting and can take several different forms.

Crossing ankles is a minimal cross and can be fairly relaxed, especially when the legs are
stretched forward and the person is leaning back (and more so if the hands are behind the head).
When more tension is seen, for example in clenched hands, then this may be a signal of self-
restraint.

An ankle cross with legs tucked under the chair can indicate concealed anxiety. The concern may
be more obvious if the person is leaning forward.

Crossing knees may indicate greater anxiety or defensiveness, particularly if the legs appear
tense and even more so if one leg is wrapped firmly around the other.

A relaxed cross with lower legs falling close together needs a wider pelvis and hence may be
used as a sexual signal by women, particularly if they have exposed legs.

The figure-four cross occurs where one ankle is placed on top of the other legs' knee, with top
leg's knee pointing sideways. This can be a surreptitious crotch display, and is more common
amongst men as it invites females and challenges other males. This may be covered with hands
that hold the shin or ankle of the top leg.

Pointing
Legs may be used to point to things of interest, as with other parts of the body. The reverse is
also true and pulling a leg back may show disinterest.

Standing
When standing, one leg may point at an angle with both foot and knee, for example in a
conversation where a person who wants to leave points at the door. Pointing anywhere away
from the other person means 'I want to be elsewhere'.

Sometimes, when the genitals are exposed in a crotch display the legs do point to the side, but
this is not the real message that is being sent.

Sitting
When sitting, legs do not have to support the body but they are more visible and so send more
obvious messages (unless they are under a table, where they still may subconsciously point in a
direction of interest).
Sitting legs may point with knees or feet at interesting other people, as well as desired direction of
travel.

Sitting forward with one foot pointing away and the other back is preparation to stand up and is a
common signal that the person wants to leave or go somewhere.

Moving
Moving legs sometimes is just exercising them to get the circulation moving more and loosen
cramped muscles. Sometimes also this sends a signal.

Standing
Swinging a leg when standing can act as a pointer. Bouncing the leg can indicate impatience.

Moving a leg is one way of getting closer to another person without full body movement. Pulling it
back shows disinterest. When the leg moves back and fore towards and away from a person it
may be a subtle 'Attraction-rejection' game that invites the other person to chase after you.

If done in time to music, especially if it bounces the upper body, it can be an invitation to dance
(females sometimes deliberately do this to make their breasts bounce and so entice a male).

Sitting
A crossed leg may bounce up and down. This can be a sign of impatience (particularly if rapid) or
attraction, as with standing movement. It may also be rather obvious pointing. When sitting, a
knee waving sideways can also indicate impatience or point sideways.

The leg may also swing in time to music, indicating that the person is relaxed and enjoying the
vibe (and perhaps inviting others to join in).

Striking
Legs can also be weapons, as all martial artists know. Legs are longer than arms and have much
bigger muscles. This can make a kick very powerful.

The legs can hit with thigh or knee (such as in the groin strike), the shin (a nice hard bone) or the
top, ball or side of the foot.

Actual striking is rare, but moving as if to kick someone can come from a desire to actually do so.
A slight twitch in the right direction can thus signal aggression and cause embarrassment.
Swinging the leg may simulate kicking.

Touching
Standing
When standing, not much of the leg can be touched. The bottom or thighs may be stroked
seductively. They may also be slapped. A single slap can say 'Right, let's go' and signal that the
person is about to make a suggestion. A slapped side of leg may also indicate irritation, saying
'Dang! What a nuisance!'

Sitting
When sitting, more of the leg may be reached, particularly in the figure-four cross-leg position,
and in a more visible manner. Seductive stroking can thus be a strong sexual invitation.

Preening may also be used, brushing real or imagined bits of fluff off crossed legs.

The leg may also be tapped, perhaps in time to music and perhaps impatiently.

Moving forward
 Techniques > Use of body language > Core patterns > Moving forward
Pattern | Found in | Discussion | See also

Pattern
When a person moves forward, even slightly, they are sending signals.
• Reaching forward with arms and hands, giving, grabbing or striking.
• Pushing the head forward.
• Thrusting the hips suggestively forward.
• Leaning forward.
• Stepping forward.
Found in
• Arm body language
• Hand body language
• Head body language
• Hips body language
Discussion
Moving forward can be an act of aggression and so signal anger, especially if it is done quickly
and in concert with other aggressive signals such as an angry expression on the face. As such it
is an invitation for the other person either to move away or to fight.
We all have defined personal spaces and moving forward may transition between social and
intimate space, signalling a desire to be closer to the other person. Other signals will indicate the
actual intent (there are many romantic signals, for example).

Arm body language

Techniques > Use of body language > Parts-of-the-body language > Arm body language
Expanding | Shaping | Raising | Weapon | Crossing | Reaching forward | Pulling back | See also

The arm is an interesting appendages with a ball at the top, a hinge in the middle, and with a rather
complex toolset at the end.
Watch also for arms held still -- this is often the first place the deceiver starts when trying to control body
language (they may even hold one arm with the other to keep them both still).
Expanding
Arms are clever expanding devices that can make us bigger or smaller, reaching out without having to
move the rest of our body.
They can extend towards the other person, either in threat or a more friendly way. Moved directly and
quickly they threaten. Curved and moving more slowly they may offer comfort.
The can also extend laterally, sometimes as a part of a body-expanding 'I am big' display that can signify
confidence or perhaps aggression.
Shaping
Arms are used as a part of shaping as we wave them around and carve out the world. They are an adjunct
to our words as we literally show other people how big the fish was or how small the child is.
When we are excited or confident, we may wave our arms about like windmills. When we are less
confident, our shaping is smaller and closer to the body.
This waving of arms needs control and a person who bangs their hand on something may indicate
clumsiness.
Raising
Raising the arms lifts something up. Done rapidly, it throws things into the air. With both arms, it
exaggerates it further. A typical two-arm-raising gesture is frustration, as everything that is
weighing the person down with confusion is thrown up into the air. Coupled with a shrug it
indicates confusion ('I don't know!!').
Weapon
Arms can be like weapons. They can symbolize clubs and spears as they strike out at imaginary foes.
They can also be defensive, blocking and sweeping away attacks. In martial arts arms can be
used to block and strike and this is reflected in how they may be used in communication.
Crossing
Arms can act as the doorway to the body and the self. When they are crossed, they form a closed
defensive shield, blocking out the outside world. Shields act in two ways: one is to block incoming
attacks and the other is a place behind which the person can hide and perhaps not be noticed.
Crossed arms thus indicate anxiety which is either driven by a lack of trust in the other person or an
internal discomfort and sense of vulnerability (that may, for example, be rooted in childhood
trauma).
The extent of crossing indicates how firmly closed the person is. This may range from a light cross to arms
folded to arms wrapped around the person. An extreme version which may indicate additional
hostility is a tight close with hands formed as fists. If legs are crossed also then this adds to the
signal.
The hands in an arm-cross may also be used to hold the person in a reassuring self-hug, for example
holding upper arms in a folded-arms position or wrapped around the torso, holding the sides. If
the thumbs are up, this may indicate some approval or agreement with what is being said.
When arms are not crossed, they expose the torso and the person, making them more vulnerable. This
signifies comfort that often indicates trust. It can also be power position that dares the other
person to attack whilst knowing that the other person dare not.
Crossed arms is a very obvious signal and if you do it in front of other people they will likely feel rejected
and respond accordingly (including not agreeing with you).
Note that not all crossed arms are defensive. Sometimes folded arms, for example, are just a relaxed
position. Crossed arms are also used when the person is cold (this is typically done with hands
tucked under armpits to keep them warm).
A common method sales people use to break a crossed-arms closed position is to give the person
something to hold or otherwise ask them to use their hands.
Reaching forward
Reaching forward to the other person can be quite scary for them as you could attack them, and a sudden
thrust forward can indeed be an aggressive signal, especially if the hand is pointing or shaped as
a fist.
Reaching forward can also be an offer of support or affection, seeking to touch and join with the other
person.
Pulling back
When arms are thrust forward, they are the first thing that may be grabbed or attacked. When a person
feels defensive they may pull back their arms out of harm's way.

Romantic body language

Techniques > Using body language > Romantic body language

From afar | Up close | See also

A significant cluster of body movements has to do with romance, signaling to a person of the
opposite sex that you are interested in partnering with them.

From afar
From afar, the first task of body language is to signal interest (and then to watch for reciprocal
body language).

Eyes
The eyes do much signaling. Initially and from a distance, a person may look at you for slightly
longer than normal, then look away, then look back up at you, again for a longer period.
Preening
There are many preening gestures. What you are basically saying with this is 'I am making myself
look good for you'. This includes tossing of the head, brushing hair with hand, polishing
spectacles and brushing clothes.

Enacting
Remote romantic language may also include enactment of sexually stimulating activities, for
example caressing oneself, for example stroking arms, leg or face. This may either say 'I would
like to stroke you like this' or 'I would like you to stroke me like this'.

Similarly, the person (women in particular) may lick and purse their lips into a kiss shape and
leave their mouth slightly open in imitation of sexual readiness.

Objects held may be also used in enactment displays, including cigarettes and wine glasses, for
example rolling and stroking them.

Displaying
Attractive parts of the body may be exposed, thrust forward, wiggled or otherwise highlighted. For
women this includes breasts, neck, bottom and legs. For men it includes a muscular torso, arms
or legs, and particularly the crotch (note that women seldom do this).

Faking often happens. Pressing together muscles gives the impression of higher muscle tone.
Pressing together and lifting breasts (sometimes helped with an appropriate brassiere) makes
them look firmer and larger. Holding out shoulders and arms makes the body look bigger. Holding
in the abdomen gives the impression of a firm tummy.

This is often playing to primitive needs. Women show that they are healthy and that they are able
to bear and feed the man's child. The man shows he is virile, strong and able to protect the
woman and her child.

Leaning
Leaning your body towards another person says 'I would like to be closer to you'. It also tests to
see whether they lean towards you or away from you. It can start with the head with a simple tilt
or may use the entire torso. This may be coupled with listening intently to what they say, again
showing particular interest in them.

Pointing
A person who is interested in you may subtly point at you with a foot, knee, arm or head. It is
effectively a signal that says 'I would like to go in this direction'.

Other displays
Other forms of more distant display that are intended to attract include:

Sensual or dramatic dancing (too dramatic, and it can have the opposite effect).
Crotch display, where (particularly male) legs are held apart to show off genitalia.
Faked interest in others, to invoke envy or hurry a closer engagement.
Nodding gently, as if to say 'Yes, I do like you.'
Up close
When you are close to the other person, the body language progressively gets more intimate until
one person signals 'enough'.

Close in and personal

In moving closer to the other person, you move from social space into their personal body space,
showing how you would like to get even closer to them, perhaps holding them and more...
Standing square-on to them also blocks anyone else from joining the conversation and signals to
others to stay away.

Copying
Imitating the person in some way shows 'I am like you'. This can range from a similar body
position to using the same gestures and language.

Lovers' gaze
When you are standing close to them, you will holding each other's gaze for longer and longer
periods before looking away. You many also use what are called 'doe eyes' or 'bedroom eyes',
which are often slightly moist and with the head inclined slightly down.

Where the eyes go is important. Looking at lips means 'I want to kiss'. Looking at other parts of
the body may mean 'I want to touch'.

A very subtle signal that few realize is that the eyes will dilate such that the dark pupils get much
bigger (this is one reason why dark-eyed people can seem attractive).

Touching
Touching signals even closer intimacy. It may start with 'accidental' brushing, followed by
touching of 'safe' parts of the body such as arms or back.

Caressing is gentle stroking that may start in the safer regions and then stray (especially when
alone) to sexual regions.

'Attraction-rejection' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Attraction-rejection' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Attention

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
B is attracted to A

B advances towards A.

A moves away from B.

B stops pursuing A.

A is attracted to B.

A advances towards B.

B moves away from A.

A stops pursuing B.
The pattern then repeats ad infinitum.

Discussion
This is the classic romantic pursuit game, and can happen at very subtle ways, for example:

Girl fancies boy and makes eye contact.

Boy is attracted and continues eye contact (pursuit).
Girl looks away (rejection)
Boy looks away (retreat)
Girl looks at boy and holds eye contact for longer (pursuit)
Girl looks away again (rejection)
Boy goes over to girl to say hello (pursuit)
Girl plays hard-to-get (rejection)
...etc.
Rejection works because of the Scarcity principle, where we desire what we cannot have.

This game, played well, is like fishing. Try to reach completion too soon and the fish slips away.
This happens, for example, when a boy gets too enthusiastic and doesn't stop chasing the girl.
The girl feel overwhelmed and sends 'end of game' signals (which may have to be quite blunt).

This game of attraction-then-rejection can be played on many persuasive stages, including sales
and negotiation, where both sides dance around each other, making and rejecting advances and
offers.

So what?
See the dance of attraction and rejection in your persuasion. Avoid chasing too hard. Also avoid
running too fast away from the other person - it is often useful go a little way and pause to see if
they are following!
Book review: The Two Step

Book reviews > The Two Step

This is a very different kind of book, yet one that richly deserves to be included in this set of
reviews.

The basic premise is that in seeking intimacy (the book is subtitled 'The dance towards intimacy'),
people play a two-handed and alternating chance game of 'Seeker and Sought'.

Done entirely as a set of almost 150 pages of cartoons, it describes the dance in an amusing and
yet highly educative way.

Seeker and Sought

Both Seeker and Sought gain from the game. The Seeker has hope of achieving their goal of
catching. The Sought enjoys the identity boost that the Seeker's attention gives them. Both enjoy
the thrill of the chase, where the Seeker fears failure and rejection whilst the Sought fears being
caught (at least too soon) and perhaps being rejected after consummation.

Power struggles
The result is a power struggle that plays out as a dance, where different forms attention, chase,
rejection, conquest and submission are used to control one another's movements, where each at
times seems more powerful than the other.
Territorial Games may form a part of this struggle, with the distance between the players as a
critical measure.

Balance
As with most games, both enjoy the game so much, completion can result in the relationship
deteriorating, such as when a long courtship ends in a disastrous relationship. Throughout the
game, an equitable balance needs to be maintained with appropriate reciprocity so that both can
travel hopefully. If either gives or tries to take too much, then the other will give up and game fails.

To make this balance work, each learns the rules and the game can fall into habits that either
sustain it for a long time or cause boredom and frustration that leads to its demise.

A way of maintaining the balance is for the players to switch roles. As the Seeker gives up, the
Sought detects this and chases them, thus maintaining the game.

Intimacy
The ultimate goal is to gradually reduce the gap so intimacy can occur and both can enjoy
consummation of the relationship. Power is given up to gain closeness. But even this is not
stasis, and before long the dance returns.

Although targeted primarily at explaining sexual intimacy (and seduction, although it does not
exactly say this), the book is also a brilliant and detailed exposition of general chase games, such
as 'Catch me if you can' game.

'Catch me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Catch me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Escape

Secondary: Sympathy

Game play
B is trying to catch A, for example because A owes B something, from money to answering a
simple question or just giving attention.

B tries every trick in the book to collect, from wheedling to name-and-shame to lawyers.

A uses every trick in the other book, from hiding to bold promises to pleas of poverty.

B corners A and plays 'Now I've got you', but A gets away to continue the game.

Discussion
Both enjoy the thrill of the chase. They also can then tell bar-room stories, such as 'Poor me' or
'Clever me', gaining appropriate sympathy. 'Poor me' is particularly useful for rich people who feel
isolated or guilty about their wealth.
This game is played by many groups, from landlords and tenants to attention-seeking children
and their busy parents. Children practice this in playground chase and hiding games. So do
courting lovers.

So what?
As a chaser, plan your approach then stick to it - beware of being led on a merry dance. As the
chased, draw chasers into the game. Give the satisfaction of having something to complain
about, such that they gain pleasure from the game.

See also
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine
Books

Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books

Stop me if you can

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > Stop me if you can

Purpose | Game play | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Escape, excuse

Secondary: Attention

Game play
A has a problem, from alcoholism or other addiction to anti-social behavior.

B is persecutor who berates A, and also gives A an excuse to continue - e.g. as an escape or as
reactive revenge. A's habit may also give excuse for A's bad behavior, such as beating up B (who
can then play 'Poor me').

C is rescuer who tries to cure A (and can play 'I'm only trying to help'). A goes along with C for a
while, getting attention and sympathy, but is actually playing 'See if you can stop me'. A can
repeat the game by offering remorse and playing 'This time it's real'.

D is the bartender or drug pusher who actively helps A and profits from A's behavior, and can
play conspiratorial games such as 'Go on, have another, nobody will know'.
You may also get E, a friendly figure, who reassures A and hence legitimizes the behavior.

Legitimization and perpetuation also happens through well-meaning organizations such as

Alcoholics Anonymous, where the addict gets to tell their story over and over, and receive
attention and sympathy as a reward.

When A's get together they indulge in pastimes such as boasting about what/how much they
have consumed and how terrible their hangover/withdrawal is.

B's and C's can also play games together, such as 'Ain't it awful'.

So what?
Refuse to play rescue games. Do not offer sympathy. Prevent them from getting legitimization
elsewhere. Expose the game. Give them information to let them decide when they are ready.
See also
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine
Books

Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books

'Poor me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Poor me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Sympathy, Displacement

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
A gets into a situation where they feel hard done by, where the world in general or someone in
particular is unfair to them.

A tells the story to B, lamenting how unlucky they are, how unfair things are.

B offers sympathy and concern.

B also now has gained some social capital from this and can ask for something in return.

Discussion
A's source of pain can include other games such as 'Stop me if you can' where A is the real
cause of the situation, or variants of the Blame game.

This is an archetypal victim game, although victimhood is at the heart of many other games.
People who play victim in various situations often get their reward later on in poor me sessions
where an accomplice offers them sympathy. Victims also get the benefit of absolving themselves
from responsibility. Nothing is felt to be really their fault (although they may berate themselves).
They are victims of circumstance and other people. They enjoy the anticipation of hope of rescue
in the manner of the helpless child.

If there is nobody else, then an alternative is to play the second person themselves. This lack of
support, of course, just gives another reason to feel 'poor me'.

A common response from B that balances out the social capital is to also do a 'Poor me'. The
game can then become a to-and-fro discussion of how terrible and downtrodden they are.

Note that there is a big difference between the victim in a game and a 'real-life' victim. The game
victim enters into the state voluntarily (albeit often subconsciously) and gains some comfort from
this state, as described above. The real victim is the person mugged on the streets or an orphan
in a war-torn country, who has no choice: they are made a victim by circumstance or the actions
of others.

So what?
If you are happy to be the shoulder to cry on for other people, then you can gain social capital
and ask for something in return.

Also, watch out for becoming the person about whom A is complaining.

'Poor me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Poor me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Sympathy, Displacement

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
A gets into a situation where they feel hard done by, where the world in general or someone in
particular is unfair to them.

A tells the story to B, lamenting how unlucky they are, how unfair things are.

B offers sympathy and concern.

B also now has gained some social capital from this and can ask for something in return.

Discussion
A's source of pain can include other games such as 'Stop me if you can' where A is the real
cause of the situation, or variants of the Blame game.

This is an archetypal victim game, although victimhood is at the heart of many other games.
People who play victim in various situations often get their reward later on in poor me sessions
where an accomplice offers them sympathy. Victims also get the benefit of absolving themselves
from responsibility. Nothing is felt to be really their fault (although they may berate themselves).
They are victims of circumstance and other people. They enjoy the anticipation of hope of rescue
in the manner of the helpless child.

If there is nobody else, then an alternative is to play the second person themselves. This lack of
support, of course, just gives another reason to feel 'poor me'.

A common response from B that balances out the social capital is to also do a 'Poor me'. The
game can then become a to-and-fro discussion of how terrible and downtrodden they are.

Note that there is a big difference between the victim in a game and a 'real-life' victim. The game
victim enters into the state voluntarily (albeit often subconsciously) and gains some comfort from
this state, as described above. The real victim is the person mugged on the streets or an orphan
in a war-torn country, who has no choice: they are made a victim by circumstance or the actions
of others.

So what?
If you are happy to be the shoulder to cry on for other people, then you can gain social capital
and ask for something in return.
Also, watch out for becoming the person about whom A is complaining.
Credentials

Disciplines > Negotiation > Negotiation tactics > Credentials

Description | Example | Discussion | See also

Description
Show how you are qualified to say the things you will say.

Put your qualifications on your business card.

Talk about your experience. Show how you have practiced what you preach.

Name-drop. Show how you are friends with the rich, famous and influential.

If appropriate, compare their credentials with yours.

Example
When I was talking with the CEO the other day, he though my ideas for new products were, as
usual, quite outstanding.

You know, I've been doing projects like this for twenty years, and I've always found that building
the plan with all stakeholders an essential activity.

I have a Ph.D. in the subject. What about you?

Discussion
In negotiation you are often selling yourself as well as the idea that you want to get across to the
other person. If they believe in you, then they are more likely to believe in your ideas.

When we know that another person is well-qualified in one area, we may assume that they are
generally intelligent and able to pronounce on things in completely unrelated areas. Thus, for
example, a doctorate in anthropology will be seen first as a doctorate. The letters 'Ph.D.' after
your name will often impress others and prevent them from questioning what you assert.

Demonstrating how you are qualified or experienced lets the other person know that what you say
is true. In a collaborative situation, this will build the relationship and create confidence. In a
competitive situation, it effectively says 'I know more than you. What I say is true and what you
say is false.'

Using humor

Techniques > Using humor

Humor is a surprisingly useful and subtle way of persuading, and can be used in all kinds of
situations. Here are a few notes about using humor:
Benefits of using humor: Have fun whilst building communication and more.
Becoming a child: Have fun whilst building your leadership status.
Laughter: Open expression of humor.
Politically-incorrect humor: Non-PC humor is mostly not a good idea. Mostly.
The bottom line of humor is to be always genuine and to have fun! Forced humor sounds forced,
and even though a false smile is difficult, a forced laugh always sounds particularly hollow.

Freud saw humor as based in the rush of pleasure comes from sudden release of tension.
Tension is released when because repressed impulses suddenly allowed expression when the
punch-line evades the internal censor (or anti-cathexis) via the element of surprise. The
preponderance of sexual humor also supports a Freudian view.

See also
 Preening

Techniques > Use of body language > Core patterns > Preening
Pattern | Found in | Discussion | See also

Pattern
'Preening' is act of faked cleaning or tidying that is common in courtship rituals across the animal
kingdom. birds pick at their feathers, chimps pick at fleas and humans tidy themselves to look
good for their prospective partners. Actions include:
• Straightening the tie or other clothes.
• Looking in a mirror.
• Curling lips to even out lipstick.
• Brushing imaginary lint off arms or legs.
• Patting down hair or combing it with the fingers.
Found in
• Chin body language
• Hair body language
• Leg body language
• Lips body language
Discussion
Preening happens a lot before people meet as people deliberately make themselves attractive.
Women in particular spend time in the bathroom primping themselves up. This can be a
competitive signal to other women ('I'm more beautiful than you, so don't bother competing with
me!').
As an act in front of another person, preening says 'Look, I am making myself beautiful for you!' It
may be combined with the look away -- look up flirting pattern.
Sometimes preening is just about vanity, as self-obsessed narcissists make themselves beautiful
just for themselves. It says 'I am too wonderful for you, but not for me.'
Preening is also touching oneself which, when done as gentle stroking, can be done romantically
as an offer ('Wouldn't you like to touch me like this? I might just let you...').
Self-touching can also be a sign of insecurity, so watch for other signs. Preening is done with
confidence and even arrogance ('I am so wonderful, you will not be able to resist me!').

Lips body language

Lips can say a lot of things without words. Our muscles around them mean we can shape them
with incredibly fine control. Lipstick is used to draw attention to the lips, thus exaggerating further
the signals sent by them.
Parted
Lips which are slightly parted can be a strong flirting signal, particularly if the lips are then licked
and even more so if done whilst holding the gaze of another person.
Parting lips is the first stage in speaking and may thus be a signal that the person wants to talk.
Pursed
Lips which are pulled inwards from all directions are an indication of tension and may indicate
frustration or disapproval.
Pursed lips are a classic sign of anger, including when it is suppressed. It is effectively holding
the mouth shut to prevent the person saying what they feel like saying.
Puckered
A light puckering of the lips into a kiss shape typically indicates desire. It can also indicate
uncertainty, particularly if the lips are touched with the fingers.
When you say 'oo', the lips form the kiss shape. This is one reason that romantic songs often
linger on words like 'you' and 'too'.
Flattened
Lips which are kept horizontal but squeezed flat are an exaggerated closing of the mouth and
hence indicate a repressed desire to speak. This indicate disapproval ('If I spoke I would be very
critical, which I do not want to be'). It can also indicate frustration ('I want to speak, but others are
speaking and I feel I should wait').
Flattened lips can also indicate a refusal to eat, either because of dislike of offered food or some
other motivation.
Turned up
When the corners of the mouth are turned upwards, this can be a grimace of disgust or a smile of
pleasure. In a grimace, the teeth are unlikely to be shown (although toothless smiles are also
common). Grimaces are often flatter and tenser.
A full smile engages the whole face, particularly including the eyes. Smiling with lips only is often
falsehood, where the smiler wants to convey pleasure or approval but is actually feeling
something else.
Turned down
Corners of the mouth turned down indicates sadness or displeasure.
Some people are so miserable so often, this is the natural state of rest of their mouths (which is
perhaps rather sad).
Retracted
When the lips are pulled back, they expose the teeth. This may be in a broad smile or it may be a
snarl of aggression. The eyes should tell you which is which. In a snarl, the eyes are either
narrowed or staring. In a full smile, the corners of the eyes are creased.
Moving
Lips which are moving in the shape of words but without making sounds means that the person is
thinking of saying the words. This subvocalization often happens with very small movement and
is often completely subconscious. Stage mentalists use this when they ask their 'victims' to think
hard of a word and then lip-read as they silently sound the word.
Up and down movement may indicate chewing. Some people chew the insides of their mouths
when they are nervous.
Rolling in the lips so they roll across one another can be a preening gesture for women, evening
out lipstick. It can also be a sign of uncertainty or disapproval (look for accompanying lowered
eyebrows).
Twitching
Small, lightning-fast movements of the mouth betray inner thoughts, for example a single twitch of
the corner of the mouth that indicates cynicism or disbelief.
Liars in particular will often give themselves away with very brief grimaces as their conscience
expresses disapproval of the conscious lies.
Protruding
When the top lip is over the bottom lip, this may be linked with biting of the bottom lip, a common
indicator that the person is feeling guilty about something.
The bottom lip extended over the top lip can indicate uncertainty, as if the person is saying 'umm'.
The bottom lip jutting out is often a part of a sulky pout, where the person expresses child-like
petulance at not getting their own way.
Both lips pressed together and pushed out generally indicates doubt. If the finger touches them, it
may indicate internal thinking or may say 'I am considering speaking but am not quite ready to
talk yet'.
Biting
Biting the lip, centrally or at the side, is often a sign of anxiety. Usually, this is the bottom lip
(especially if the person has overhanging top teeth). This may be a habitual action and people
who do this, will often repeat the move in predictable situations.
This is a fairly child-like action, especially if accompanied by wide eyes and eyebrows raised in
the middle and lowered at the sides, and thus may betray concern about being told off or
otherwise being censured in the manner of a child.
Relaxed
Finally, the lips will have a position of rest when they are not pulled in any direction. This usually
indicates that the person is also feeling relaxed.
Leg body language

Techniques > Use of body language > Parts-of-the-body language > Leg body language

Open Closed | Crossed | Pointing | Moving | Striking | Touching | See also

Legs are interesting in the field of non-verbal body language as the may say a lot without us really
realizing.

In particular when a person is trying to control their body language, they typically concentrate on
the upper body. The legs may thus tell what they are thinking. If the legs and upper body are in
conflict, then there is a possible of deliberate control.

Open
Standing
Legs which are held apart when standing provide a stable base for the person. Standing with feet
about the width of the shoulders is a normal, relaxed pose. Slightly wider indicates that the
person feels grounded and confident.

A wider stance makes the body wider and hence appear bigger and is a signal of power and
dominance. This also takes up more territory and shows domination.

Taking a stable position is readying the body in case the other person attacks and can be a
cautious position.

Open legs displays and makes vulnerable the genitals. This can be a sexual display (especially
men to women) or a show of power (especially between men).

When one foot is forward and the other behind, this can be taking a extra stable position in case
of frontal attack (as with martial artists). It can also be a frozen walk, indicating that the person
wants to go somewhere (which way are they pointing?).

Sitting
Sitting with slightly open legs is a relaxed position, showing the person is comfortable. One or
both legs may be flopped down sideways as far as they can go.

Sitting allows a wider opening of the legs and can thus be even more of a sexual 'crotch display'.
If the person is a bit worried about this, then their hands may cover the genitals.

Closed
Standing
When the person is standing with feet together (or less that a relaxed shoulder-width) then this
may display anxiety as it makes them smaller as a target and gives some protection to the
genitals.

A fully-closed standing position has knees touching. Increased desire for protection may be
indicated by the person turning slightly to the side, leaning forwards a little or pulling the hips
back.

Note that a closed position also happens when the person is cold.

Sitting
When sitting, the knees may be held gently or tightly together, depending on the anxiety level.
Crossed
As with arms, crossing legs can protective and negative, shielding the person from other people
and their ideas.

Tension may be seen in crossed legs and greater anxiety leads to legs held more rigidly and
which move more jerkily.

Crossed legs can also mean that the person wants to visit the toilet!

Standing
Crossing legs when standing can be an indication of shyness or being coy and may be
accompanied by such as hands held behind the back and a lowered head.

This is an unstable position and the person may sway a little. Being so easy to be pushed over
and slow to unwind and run away, this is seldom a defensive stance, although it can be
submissive.

Sitting
Crossing legs is much easier when sitting and can take several different forms.

Crossing ankles is a minimal cross and can be fairly relaxed, especially when the legs are
stretched forward and the person is leaning back (and more so if the hands are behind the head).
When more tension is seen, for example in clenched hands, then this may be a signal of self-
restraint.

An ankle cross with legs tucked under the chair can indicate concealed anxiety. The concern may
be more obvious if the person is leaning forward.

Crossing knees may indicate greater anxiety or defensiveness, particularly if the legs appear
tense and even more so if one leg is wrapped firmly around the other.

A relaxed cross with lower legs falling close together needs a wider pelvis and hence may be
used as a sexual signal by women, particularly if they have exposed legs.

The figure-four cross occurs where one ankle is placed on top of the other legs' knee, with top
leg's knee pointing sideways. This can be a surreptitious crotch display, and is more common
amongst men as it invites females and challenges other males. This may be covered with hands
that hold the shin or ankle of the top leg.

Pointing
Legs may be used to point to things of interest, as with other parts of the body. The reverse is
also true and pulling a leg back may show disinterest.

Standing
When standing, one leg may point at an angle with both foot and knee, for example in a
conversation where a person who wants to leave points at the door. Pointing anywhere away
from the other person means 'I want to be elsewhere'.

Sometimes, when the genitals are exposed in a crotch display the legs do point to the side, but
this is not the real message that is being sent.

Sitting
When sitting, legs do not have to support the body but they are more visible and so send more
obvious messages (unless they are under a table, where they still may subconsciously point in a
direction of interest).
Sitting legs may point with knees or feet at interesting other people, as well as desired direction of
travel.

Sitting forward with one foot pointing away and the other back is preparation to stand up and is a
common signal that the person wants to leave or go somewhere.

Moving
Moving legs sometimes is just exercising them to get the circulation moving more and loosen
cramped muscles. Sometimes also this sends a signal.

Standing
Swinging a leg when standing can act as a pointer. Bouncing the leg can indicate impatience.

Moving a leg is one way of getting closer to another person without full body movement. Pulling it
back shows disinterest. When the leg moves back and fore towards and away from a person it
may be a subtle 'Attraction-rejection' game that invites the other person to chase after you.

If done in time to music, especially if it bounces the upper body, it can be an invitation to dance
(females sometimes deliberately do this to make their breasts bounce and so entice a male).

Sitting
A crossed leg may bounce up and down. This can be a sign of impatience (particularly if rapid) or
attraction, as with standing movement. It may also be rather obvious pointing. When sitting, a
knee waving sideways can also indicate impatience or point sideways.

The leg may also swing in time to music, indicating that the person is relaxed and enjoying the
vibe (and perhaps inviting others to join in).

Striking
Legs can also be weapons, as all martial artists know. Legs are longer than arms and have much
bigger muscles. This can make a kick very powerful.

The legs can hit with thigh or knee (such as in the groin strike), the shin (a nice hard bone) or the
top, ball or side of the foot.

Actual striking is rare, but moving as if to kick someone can come from a desire to actually do so.
A slight twitch in the right direction can thus signal aggression and cause embarrassment.
Swinging the leg may simulate kicking.

Touching
Standing
When standing, not much of the leg can be touched. The bottom or thighs may be stroked
seductively. They may also be slapped. A single slap can say 'Right, let's go' and signal that the
person is about to make a suggestion. A slapped side of leg may also indicate irritation, saying
'Dang! What a nuisance!'

Sitting
When sitting, more of the leg may be reached, particularly in the figure-four cross-leg position,
and in a more visible manner. Seductive stroking can thus be a strong sexual invitation.

Preening may also be used, brushing real or imagined bits of fluff off crossed legs.

The leg may also be tapped, perhaps in time to music and perhaps impatiently.

Moving forward
 Techniques > Use of body language > Core patterns > Moving forward
Pattern | Found in | Discussion | See also

Pattern
When a person moves forward, even slightly, they are sending signals.
• Reaching forward with arms and hands, giving, grabbing or striking.
• Pushing the head forward.
• Thrusting the hips suggestively forward.
• Leaning forward.
• Stepping forward.
Found in
• Arm body language
• Hand body language
• Head body language
• Hips body language
Discussion
Moving forward can be an act of aggression and so signal anger, especially if it is done quickly
and in concert with other aggressive signals such as an angry expression on the face. As such it
is an invitation for the other person either to move away or to fight.
We all have defined personal spaces and moving forward may transition between social and
intimate space, signalling a desire to be closer to the other person. Other signals will indicate the
actual intent (there are many romantic signals, for example).

Arm body language

Techniques > Use of body language > Parts-of-the-body language > Arm body language
Expanding | Shaping | Raising | Weapon | Crossing | Reaching forward | Pulling back | See also

The arm is an interesting appendages with a ball at the top, a hinge in the middle, and with a rather
complex toolset at the end.
Watch also for arms held still -- this is often the first place the deceiver starts when trying to control body
language (they may even hold one arm with the other to keep them both still).
Expanding
Arms are clever expanding devices that can make us bigger or smaller, reaching out without having to
move the rest of our body.
They can extend towards the other person, either in threat or a more friendly way. Moved directly and
quickly they threaten. Curved and moving more slowly they may offer comfort.
The can also extend laterally, sometimes as a part of a body-expanding 'I am big' display that can signify
confidence or perhaps aggression.
Shaping
Arms are used as a part of shaping as we wave them around and carve out the world. They are an adjunct
to our words as we literally show other people how big the fish was or how small the child is.
When we are excited or confident, we may wave our arms about like windmills. When we are less
confident, our shaping is smaller and closer to the body.
This waving of arms needs control and a person who bangs their hand on something may indicate
clumsiness.
Raising
Raising the arms lifts something up. Done rapidly, it throws things into the air. With both arms, it
exaggerates it further. A typical two-arm-raising gesture is frustration, as everything that is
weighing the person down with confusion is thrown up into the air. Coupled with a shrug it
indicates confusion ('I don't know!!').
Weapon
Arms can be like weapons. They can symbolize clubs and spears as they strike out at imaginary foes.
They can also be defensive, blocking and sweeping away attacks. In martial arts arms can be
used to block and strike and this is reflected in how they may be used in communication.
Crossing
Arms can act as the doorway to the body and the self. When they are crossed, they form a closed
defensive shield, blocking out the outside world. Shields act in two ways: one is to block incoming
attacks and the other is a place behind which the person can hide and perhaps not be noticed.
Crossed arms thus indicate anxiety which is either driven by a lack of trust in the other person or an
internal discomfort and sense of vulnerability (that may, for example, be rooted in childhood
trauma).
The extent of crossing indicates how firmly closed the person is. This may range from a light cross to arms
folded to arms wrapped around the person. An extreme version which may indicate additional
hostility is a tight close with hands formed as fists. If legs are crossed also then this adds to the
signal.
The hands in an arm-cross may also be used to hold the person in a reassuring self-hug, for example
holding upper arms in a folded-arms position or wrapped around the torso, holding the sides. If
the thumbs are up, this may indicate some approval or agreement with what is being said.
When arms are not crossed, they expose the torso and the person, making them more vulnerable. This
signifies comfort that often indicates trust. It can also be power position that dares the other
person to attack whilst knowing that the other person dare not.
Crossed arms is a very obvious signal and if you do it in front of other people they will likely feel rejected
and respond accordingly (including not agreeing with you).
Note that not all crossed arms are defensive. Sometimes folded arms, for example, are just a relaxed
position. Crossed arms are also used when the person is cold (this is typically done with hands
tucked under armpits to keep them warm).
A common method sales people use to break a crossed-arms closed position is to give the person
something to hold or otherwise ask them to use their hands.
Reaching forward
Reaching forward to the other person can be quite scary for them as you could attack them, and a sudden
thrust forward can indeed be an aggressive signal, especially if the hand is pointing or shaped as
a fist.
Reaching forward can also be an offer of support or affection, seeking to touch and join with the other
person.
Pulling back
When arms are thrust forward, they are the first thing that may be grabbed or attacked. When a person
feels defensive they may pull back their arms out of harm's way.

Romantic body language

Techniques > Using body language > Romantic body language

From afar | Up close | See also

A significant cluster of body movements has to do with romance, signaling to a person of the
opposite sex that you are interested in partnering with them.

From afar
From afar, the first task of body language is to signal interest (and then to watch for reciprocal
body language).

Eyes
The eyes do much signaling. Initially and from a distance, a person may look at you for slightly
longer than normal, then look away, then look back up at you, again for a longer period.
Preening
There are many preening gestures. What you are basically saying with this is 'I am making myself
look good for you'. This includes tossing of the head, brushing hair with hand, polishing
spectacles and brushing clothes.

Enacting
Remote romantic language may also include enactment of sexually stimulating activities, for
example caressing oneself, for example stroking arms, leg or face. This may either say 'I would
like to stroke you like this' or 'I would like you to stroke me like this'.

Similarly, the person (women in particular) may lick and purse their lips into a kiss shape and
leave their mouth slightly open in imitation of sexual readiness.

Objects held may be also used in enactment displays, including cigarettes and wine glasses, for
example rolling and stroking them.

Displaying
Attractive parts of the body may be exposed, thrust forward, wiggled or otherwise highlighted. For
women this includes breasts, neck, bottom and legs. For men it includes a muscular torso, arms
or legs, and particularly the crotch (note that women seldom do this).

Faking often happens. Pressing together muscles gives the impression of higher muscle tone.
Pressing together and lifting breasts (sometimes helped with an appropriate brassiere) makes
them look firmer and larger. Holding out shoulders and arms makes the body look bigger. Holding
in the abdomen gives the impression of a firm tummy.

This is often playing to primitive needs. Women show that they are healthy and that they are able
to bear and feed the man's child. The man shows he is virile, strong and able to protect the
woman and her child.

Leaning
Leaning your body towards another person says 'I would like to be closer to you'. It also tests to
see whether they lean towards you or away from you. It can start with the head with a simple tilt
or may use the entire torso. This may be coupled with listening intently to what they say, again
showing particular interest in them.

Pointing
A person who is interested in you may subtly point at you with a foot, knee, arm or head. It is
effectively a signal that says 'I would like to go in this direction'.

Other displays
Other forms of more distant display that are intended to attract include:

Sensual or dramatic dancing (too dramatic, and it can have the opposite effect).
Crotch display, where (particularly male) legs are held apart to show off genitalia.
Faked interest in others, to invoke envy or hurry a closer engagement.
Nodding gently, as if to say 'Yes, I do like you.'
Up close
When you are close to the other person, the body language progressively gets more intimate until
one person signals 'enough'.

Close in and personal

In moving closer to the other person, you move from social space into their personal body space,
showing how you would like to get even closer to them, perhaps holding them and more...
Standing square-on to them also blocks anyone else from joining the conversation and signals to
others to stay away.

Copying
Imitating the person in some way shows 'I am like you'. This can range from a similar body
position to using the same gestures and language.

Lovers' gaze
When you are standing close to them, you will holding each other's gaze for longer and longer
periods before looking away. You many also use what are called 'doe eyes' or 'bedroom eyes',
which are often slightly moist and with the head inclined slightly down.

Where the eyes go is important. Looking at lips means 'I want to kiss'. Looking at other parts of
the body may mean 'I want to touch'.

A very subtle signal that few realize is that the eyes will dilate such that the dark pupils get much
bigger (this is one reason why dark-eyed people can seem attractive).

Touching
Touching signals even closer intimacy. It may start with 'accidental' brushing, followed by
touching of 'safe' parts of the body such as arms or back.

Caressing is gentle stroking that may start in the safer regions and then stray (especially when
alone) to sexual regions.

'Attraction-rejection' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Attraction-rejection' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Attention

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
B is attracted to A

B advances towards A.

A moves away from B.

B stops pursuing A.

A is attracted to B.

A advances towards B.

B moves away from A.

A stops pursuing B.
The pattern then repeats ad infinitum.

Discussion
This is the classic romantic pursuit game, and can happen at very subtle ways, for example:

Girl fancies boy and makes eye contact.

Boy is attracted and continues eye contact (pursuit).
Girl looks away (rejection)
Boy looks away (retreat)
Girl looks at boy and holds eye contact for longer (pursuit)
Girl looks away again (rejection)
Boy goes over to girl to say hello (pursuit)
Girl plays hard-to-get (rejection)
...etc.
Rejection works because of the Scarcity principle, where we desire what we cannot have.

This game, played well, is like fishing. Try to reach completion too soon and the fish slips away.
This happens, for example, when a boy gets too enthusiastic and doesn't stop chasing the girl.
The girl feel overwhelmed and sends 'end of game' signals (which may have to be quite blunt).

This game of attraction-then-rejection can be played on many persuasive stages, including sales
and negotiation, where both sides dance around each other, making and rejecting advances and
offers.

So what?
See the dance of attraction and rejection in your persuasion. Avoid chasing too hard. Also avoid
running too fast away from the other person - it is often useful go a little way and pause to see if
they are following!
Book review: The Two Step

Book reviews > The Two Step

This is a very different kind of book, yet one that richly deserves to be included in this set of
reviews.

The basic premise is that in seeking intimacy (the book is subtitled 'The dance towards intimacy'),
people play a two-handed and alternating chance game of 'Seeker and Sought'.

Done entirely as a set of almost 150 pages of cartoons, it describes the dance in an amusing and
yet highly educative way.

Seeker and Sought

Both Seeker and Sought gain from the game. The Seeker has hope of achieving their goal of
catching. The Sought enjoys the identity boost that the Seeker's attention gives them. Both enjoy
the thrill of the chase, where the Seeker fears failure and rejection whilst the Sought fears being
caught (at least too soon) and perhaps being rejected after consummation.

Power struggles
The result is a power struggle that plays out as a dance, where different forms attention, chase,
rejection, conquest and submission are used to control one another's movements, where each at
times seems more powerful than the other.
Territorial Games may form a part of this struggle, with the distance between the players as a
critical measure.

Balance
As with most games, both enjoy the game so much, completion can result in the relationship
deteriorating, such as when a long courtship ends in a disastrous relationship. Throughout the
game, an equitable balance needs to be maintained with appropriate reciprocity so that both can
travel hopefully. If either gives or tries to take too much, then the other will give up and game fails.

To make this balance work, each learns the rules and the game can fall into habits that either
sustain it for a long time or cause boredom and frustration that leads to its demise.

A way of maintaining the balance is for the players to switch roles. As the Seeker gives up, the
Sought detects this and chases them, thus maintaining the game.

Intimacy
The ultimate goal is to gradually reduce the gap so intimacy can occur and both can enjoy
consummation of the relationship. Power is given up to gain closeness. But even this is not
stasis, and before long the dance returns.

Although targeted primarily at explaining sexual intimacy (and seduction, although it does not
exactly say this), the book is also a brilliant and detailed exposition of general chase games, such
as 'Catch me if you can' game.

'Catch me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Catch me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Escape

Secondary: Sympathy

Game play
B is trying to catch A, for example because A owes B something, from money to answering a
simple question or just giving attention.

B tries every trick in the book to collect, from wheedling to name-and-shame to lawyers.

A uses every trick in the other book, from hiding to bold promises to pleas of poverty.

B corners A and plays 'Now I've got you', but A gets away to continue the game.

Discussion
Both enjoy the thrill of the chase. They also can then tell bar-room stories, such as 'Poor me' or
'Clever me', gaining appropriate sympathy. 'Poor me' is particularly useful for rich people who feel
isolated or guilty about their wealth.
This game is played by many groups, from landlords and tenants to attention-seeking children
and their busy parents. Children practice this in playground chase and hiding games. So do
courting lovers.

So what?
As a chaser, plan your approach then stick to it - beware of being led on a merry dance. As the
chased, draw chasers into the game. Give the satisfaction of having something to complain
about, such that they gain pleasure from the game.

See also
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine
Books

Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books

Stop me if you can

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > Stop me if you can

Purpose | Game play | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Escape, excuse

Secondary: Attention

Game play
A has a problem, from alcoholism or other addiction to anti-social behavior.

B is persecutor who berates A, and also gives A an excuse to continue - e.g. as an escape or as
reactive revenge. A's habit may also give excuse for A's bad behavior, such as beating up B (who
can then play 'Poor me').

C is rescuer who tries to cure A (and can play 'I'm only trying to help'). A goes along with C for a
while, getting attention and sympathy, but is actually playing 'See if you can stop me'. A can
repeat the game by offering remorse and playing 'This time it's real'.

D is the bartender or drug pusher who actively helps A and profits from A's behavior, and can
play conspiratorial games such as 'Go on, have another, nobody will know'.
You may also get E, a friendly figure, who reassures A and hence legitimizes the behavior.

Legitimization and perpetuation also happens through well-meaning organizations such as

Alcoholics Anonymous, where the addict gets to tell their story over and over, and receive
attention and sympathy as a reward.

When A's get together they indulge in pastimes such as boasting about what/how much they
have consumed and how terrible their hangover/withdrawal is.

B's and C's can also play games together, such as 'Ain't it awful'.

So what?
Refuse to play rescue games. Do not offer sympathy. Prevent them from getting legitimization
elsewhere. Expose the game. Give them information to let them decide when they are ready.
See also
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine
Books

Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books

'Poor me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Poor me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Sympathy, Displacement

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
A gets into a situation where they feel hard done by, where the world in general or someone in
particular is unfair to them.

A tells the story to B, lamenting how unlucky they are, how unfair things are.

B offers sympathy and concern.

B also now has gained some social capital from this and can ask for something in return.

Discussion
A's source of pain can include other games such as 'Stop me if you can' where A is the real
cause of the situation, or variants of the Blame game.

This is an archetypal victim game, although victimhood is at the heart of many other games.
People who play victim in various situations often get their reward later on in poor me sessions
where an accomplice offers them sympathy. Victims also get the benefit of absolving themselves
from responsibility. Nothing is felt to be really their fault (although they may berate themselves).
They are victims of circumstance and other people. They enjoy the anticipation of hope of rescue
in the manner of the helpless child.

If there is nobody else, then an alternative is to play the second person themselves. This lack of
support, of course, just gives another reason to feel 'poor me'.

A common response from B that balances out the social capital is to also do a 'Poor me'. The
game can then become a to-and-fro discussion of how terrible and downtrodden they are.

Note that there is a big difference between the victim in a game and a 'real-life' victim. The game
victim enters into the state voluntarily (albeit often subconsciously) and gains some comfort from
this state, as described above. The real victim is the person mugged on the streets or an orphan
in a war-torn country, who has no choice: they are made a victim by circumstance or the actions
of others.

So what?
If you are happy to be the shoulder to cry on for other people, then you can gain social capital
and ask for something in return.

Also, watch out for becoming the person about whom A is complaining.

'Poor me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Poor me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Sympathy, Displacement

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
A gets into a situation where they feel hard done by, where the world in general or someone in
particular is unfair to them.

A tells the story to B, lamenting how unlucky they are, how unfair things are.

B offers sympathy and concern.

B also now has gained some social capital from this and can ask for something in return.

Discussion
A's source of pain can include other games such as 'Stop me if you can' where A is the real
cause of the situation, or variants of the Blame game.

This is an archetypal victim game, although victimhood is at the heart of many other games.
People who play victim in various situations often get their reward later on in poor me sessions
where an accomplice offers them sympathy. Victims also get the benefit of absolving themselves
from responsibility. Nothing is felt to be really their fault (although they may berate themselves).
They are victims of circumstance and other people. They enjoy the anticipation of hope of rescue
in the manner of the helpless child.

If there is nobody else, then an alternative is to play the second person themselves. This lack of
support, of course, just gives another reason to feel 'poor me'.

A common response from B that balances out the social capital is to also do a 'Poor me'. The
game can then become a to-and-fro discussion of how terrible and downtrodden they are.

Note that there is a big difference between the victim in a game and a 'real-life' victim. The game
victim enters into the state voluntarily (albeit often subconsciously) and gains some comfort from
this state, as described above. The real victim is the person mugged on the streets or an orphan
in a war-torn country, who has no choice: they are made a victim by circumstance or the actions
of others.

So what?
If you are happy to be the shoulder to cry on for other people, then you can gain social capital
and ask for something in return.
Also, watch out for becoming the person about whom A is complaining.
Credentials

Disciplines > Negotiation > Negotiation tactics > Credentials

Description | Example | Discussion | See also

Description
Show how you are qualified to say the things you will say.

Put your qualifications on your business card.

Talk about your experience. Show how you have practiced what you preach.

Name-drop. Show how you are friends with the rich, famous and influential.

If appropriate, compare their credentials with yours.

Example
When I was talking with the CEO the other day, he though my ideas for new products were, as
usual, quite outstanding.

You know, I've been doing projects like this for twenty years, and I've always found that building
the plan with all stakeholders an essential activity.

I have a Ph.D. in the subject. What about you?

Discussion
In negotiation you are often selling yourself as well as the idea that you want to get across to the
other person. If they believe in you, then they are more likely to believe in your ideas.

When we know that another person is well-qualified in one area, we may assume that they are
generally intelligent and able to pronounce on things in completely unrelated areas. Thus, for
example, a doctorate in anthropology will be seen first as a doctorate. The letters 'Ph.D.' after
your name will often impress others and prevent them from questioning what you assert.

Demonstrating how you are qualified or experienced lets the other person know that what you say
is true. In a collaborative situation, this will build the relationship and create confidence. In a
competitive situation, it effectively says 'I know more than you. What I say is true and what you
say is false.'

Using humor

Techniques > Using humor

Humor is a surprisingly useful and subtle way of persuading, and can be used in all kinds of
situations. Here are a few notes about using humor:
Benefits of using humor: Have fun whilst building communication and more.
Becoming a child: Have fun whilst building your leadership status.
Laughter: Open expression of humor.
Politically-incorrect humor: Non-PC humor is mostly not a good idea. Mostly.
The bottom line of humor is to be always genuine and to have fun! Forced humor sounds forced,
and even though a false smile is difficult, a forced laugh always sounds particularly hollow.

Freud saw humor as based in the rush of pleasure comes from sudden release of tension.
Tension is released when because repressed impulses suddenly allowed expression when the
punch-line evades the internal censor (or anti-cathexis) via the element of surprise. The
preponderance of sexual humor also supports a Freudian view.

See also
 Preening

Techniques > Use of body language > Core patterns > Preening
Pattern | Found in | Discussion | See also

Pattern
'Preening' is act of faked cleaning or tidying that is common in courtship rituals across the animal
kingdom. birds pick at their feathers, chimps pick at fleas and humans tidy themselves to look
good for their prospective partners. Actions include:
• Straightening the tie or other clothes.
• Looking in a mirror.
• Curling lips to even out lipstick.
• Brushing imaginary lint off arms or legs.
• Patting down hair or combing it with the fingers.
Found in
• Chin body language
• Hair body language
• Leg body language
• Lips body language
Discussion
Preening happens a lot before people meet as people deliberately make themselves attractive.
Women in particular spend time in the bathroom primping themselves up. This can be a
competitive signal to other women ('I'm more beautiful than you, so don't bother competing with
me!').
As an act in front of another person, preening says 'Look, I am making myself beautiful for you!' It
may be combined with the look away -- look up flirting pattern.
Sometimes preening is just about vanity, as self-obsessed narcissists make themselves beautiful
just for themselves. It says 'I am too wonderful for you, but not for me.'
Preening is also touching oneself which, when done as gentle stroking, can be done romantically
as an offer ('Wouldn't you like to touch me like this? I might just let you...').
Self-touching can also be a sign of insecurity, so watch for other signs. Preening is done with
confidence and even arrogance ('I am so wonderful, you will not be able to resist me!').

Lips body language

Lips can say a lot of things without words. Our muscles around them mean we can shape them
with incredibly fine control. Lipstick is used to draw attention to the lips, thus exaggerating further
the signals sent by them.
Parted
Lips which are slightly parted can be a strong flirting signal, particularly if the lips are then licked
and even more so if done whilst holding the gaze of another person.
Parting lips is the first stage in speaking and may thus be a signal that the person wants to talk.
Pursed
Lips which are pulled inwards from all directions are an indication of tension and may indicate
frustration or disapproval.
Pursed lips are a classic sign of anger, including when it is suppressed. It is effectively holding
the mouth shut to prevent the person saying what they feel like saying.
Puckered
A light puckering of the lips into a kiss shape typically indicates desire. It can also indicate
uncertainty, particularly if the lips are touched with the fingers.
When you say 'oo', the lips form the kiss shape. This is one reason that romantic songs often
linger on words like 'you' and 'too'.
Flattened
Lips which are kept horizontal but squeezed flat are an exaggerated closing of the mouth and
hence indicate a repressed desire to speak. This indicate disapproval ('If I spoke I would be very
critical, which I do not want to be'). It can also indicate frustration ('I want to speak, but others are
speaking and I feel I should wait').
Flattened lips can also indicate a refusal to eat, either because of dislike of offered food or some
other motivation.
Turned up
When the corners of the mouth are turned upwards, this can be a grimace of disgust or a smile of
pleasure. In a grimace, the teeth are unlikely to be shown (although toothless smiles are also
common). Grimaces are often flatter and tenser.
A full smile engages the whole face, particularly including the eyes. Smiling with lips only is often
falsehood, where the smiler wants to convey pleasure or approval but is actually feeling
something else.
Turned down
Corners of the mouth turned down indicates sadness or displeasure.
Some people are so miserable so often, this is the natural state of rest of their mouths (which is
perhaps rather sad).
Retracted
When the lips are pulled back, they expose the teeth. This may be in a broad smile or it may be a
snarl of aggression. The eyes should tell you which is which. In a snarl, the eyes are either
narrowed or staring. In a full smile, the corners of the eyes are creased.
Moving
Lips which are moving in the shape of words but without making sounds means that the person is
thinking of saying the words. This subvocalization often happens with very small movement and
is often completely subconscious. Stage mentalists use this when they ask their 'victims' to think
hard of a word and then lip-read as they silently sound the word.
Up and down movement may indicate chewing. Some people chew the insides of their mouths
when they are nervous.
Rolling in the lips so they roll across one another can be a preening gesture for women, evening
out lipstick. It can also be a sign of uncertainty or disapproval (look for accompanying lowered
eyebrows).
Twitching
Small, lightning-fast movements of the mouth betray inner thoughts, for example a single twitch of
the corner of the mouth that indicates cynicism or disbelief.
Liars in particular will often give themselves away with very brief grimaces as their conscience
expresses disapproval of the conscious lies.
Protruding
When the top lip is over the bottom lip, this may be linked with biting of the bottom lip, a common
indicator that the person is feeling guilty about something.
The bottom lip extended over the top lip can indicate uncertainty, as if the person is saying 'umm'.
The bottom lip jutting out is often a part of a sulky pout, where the person expresses child-like
petulance at not getting their own way.
Both lips pressed together and pushed out generally indicates doubt. If the finger touches them, it
may indicate internal thinking or may say 'I am considering speaking but am not quite ready to
talk yet'.
Biting
Biting the lip, centrally or at the side, is often a sign of anxiety. Usually, this is the bottom lip
(especially if the person has overhanging top teeth). This may be a habitual action and people
who do this, will often repeat the move in predictable situations.
This is a fairly child-like action, especially if accompanied by wide eyes and eyebrows raised in
the middle and lowered at the sides, and thus may betray concern about being told off or
otherwise being censured in the manner of a child.
Relaxed
Finally, the lips will have a position of rest when they are not pulled in any direction. This usually
indicates that the person is also feeling relaxed.
Leg body language

Techniques > Use of body language > Parts-of-the-body language > Leg body language

Open Closed | Crossed | Pointing | Moving | Striking | Touching | See also

Legs are interesting in the field of non-verbal body language as the may say a lot without us really
realizing.

In particular when a person is trying to control their body language, they typically concentrate on
the upper body. The legs may thus tell what they are thinking. If the legs and upper body are in
conflict, then there is a possible of deliberate control.

Open
Standing
Legs which are held apart when standing provide a stable base for the person. Standing with feet
about the width of the shoulders is a normal, relaxed pose. Slightly wider indicates that the
person feels grounded and confident.

A wider stance makes the body wider and hence appear bigger and is a signal of power and
dominance. This also takes up more territory and shows domination.

Taking a stable position is readying the body in case the other person attacks and can be a
cautious position.

Open legs displays and makes vulnerable the genitals. This can be a sexual display (especially
men to women) or a show of power (especially between men).

When one foot is forward and the other behind, this can be taking a extra stable position in case
of frontal attack (as with martial artists). It can also be a frozen walk, indicating that the person
wants to go somewhere (which way are they pointing?).

Sitting
Sitting with slightly open legs is a relaxed position, showing the person is comfortable. One or
both legs may be flopped down sideways as far as they can go.

Sitting allows a wider opening of the legs and can thus be even more of a sexual 'crotch display'.
If the person is a bit worried about this, then their hands may cover the genitals.

Closed
Standing
When the person is standing with feet together (or less that a relaxed shoulder-width) then this
may display anxiety as it makes them smaller as a target and gives some protection to the
genitals.

A fully-closed standing position has knees touching. Increased desire for protection may be
indicated by the person turning slightly to the side, leaning forwards a little or pulling the hips
back.

Note that a closed position also happens when the person is cold.

Sitting
When sitting, the knees may be held gently or tightly together, depending on the anxiety level.
Crossed
As with arms, crossing legs can protective and negative, shielding the person from other people
and their ideas.

Tension may be seen in crossed legs and greater anxiety leads to legs held more rigidly and
which move more jerkily.

Crossed legs can also mean that the person wants to visit the toilet!

Standing
Crossing legs when standing can be an indication of shyness or being coy and may be
accompanied by such as hands held behind the back and a lowered head.

This is an unstable position and the person may sway a little. Being so easy to be pushed over
and slow to unwind and run away, this is seldom a defensive stance, although it can be
submissive.

Sitting
Crossing legs is much easier when sitting and can take several different forms.

Crossing ankles is a minimal cross and can be fairly relaxed, especially when the legs are
stretched forward and the person is leaning back (and more so if the hands are behind the head).
When more tension is seen, for example in clenched hands, then this may be a signal of self-
restraint.

An ankle cross with legs tucked under the chair can indicate concealed anxiety. The concern may
be more obvious if the person is leaning forward.

Crossing knees may indicate greater anxiety or defensiveness, particularly if the legs appear
tense and even more so if one leg is wrapped firmly around the other.

A relaxed cross with lower legs falling close together needs a wider pelvis and hence may be
used as a sexual signal by women, particularly if they have exposed legs.

The figure-four cross occurs where one ankle is placed on top of the other legs' knee, with top
leg's knee pointing sideways. This can be a surreptitious crotch display, and is more common
amongst men as it invites females and challenges other males. This may be covered with hands
that hold the shin or ankle of the top leg.

Pointing
Legs may be used to point to things of interest, as with other parts of the body. The reverse is
also true and pulling a leg back may show disinterest.

Standing
When standing, one leg may point at an angle with both foot and knee, for example in a
conversation where a person who wants to leave points at the door. Pointing anywhere away
from the other person means 'I want to be elsewhere'.

Sometimes, when the genitals are exposed in a crotch display the legs do point to the side, but
this is not the real message that is being sent.

Sitting
When sitting, legs do not have to support the body but they are more visible and so send more
obvious messages (unless they are under a table, where they still may subconsciously point in a
direction of interest).
Sitting legs may point with knees or feet at interesting other people, as well as desired direction of
travel.

Sitting forward with one foot pointing away and the other back is preparation to stand up and is a
common signal that the person wants to leave or go somewhere.

Moving
Moving legs sometimes is just exercising them to get the circulation moving more and loosen
cramped muscles. Sometimes also this sends a signal.

Standing
Swinging a leg when standing can act as a pointer. Bouncing the leg can indicate impatience.

Moving a leg is one way of getting closer to another person without full body movement. Pulling it
back shows disinterest. When the leg moves back and fore towards and away from a person it
may be a subtle 'Attraction-rejection' game that invites the other person to chase after you.

If done in time to music, especially if it bounces the upper body, it can be an invitation to dance
(females sometimes deliberately do this to make their breasts bounce and so entice a male).

Sitting
A crossed leg may bounce up and down. This can be a sign of impatience (particularly if rapid) or
attraction, as with standing movement. It may also be rather obvious pointing. When sitting, a
knee waving sideways can also indicate impatience or point sideways.

The leg may also swing in time to music, indicating that the person is relaxed and enjoying the
vibe (and perhaps inviting others to join in).

Striking
Legs can also be weapons, as all martial artists know. Legs are longer than arms and have much
bigger muscles. This can make a kick very powerful.

The legs can hit with thigh or knee (such as in the groin strike), the shin (a nice hard bone) or the
top, ball or side of the foot.

Actual striking is rare, but moving as if to kick someone can come from a desire to actually do so.
A slight twitch in the right direction can thus signal aggression and cause embarrassment.
Swinging the leg may simulate kicking.

Touching
Standing
When standing, not much of the leg can be touched. The bottom or thighs may be stroked
seductively. They may also be slapped. A single slap can say 'Right, let's go' and signal that the
person is about to make a suggestion. A slapped side of leg may also indicate irritation, saying
'Dang! What a nuisance!'

Sitting
When sitting, more of the leg may be reached, particularly in the figure-four cross-leg position,
and in a more visible manner. Seductive stroking can thus be a strong sexual invitation.

Preening may also be used, brushing real or imagined bits of fluff off crossed legs.

The leg may also be tapped, perhaps in time to music and perhaps impatiently.

Moving forward
 Techniques > Use of body language > Core patterns > Moving forward
Pattern | Found in | Discussion | See also

Pattern
When a person moves forward, even slightly, they are sending signals.
• Reaching forward with arms and hands, giving, grabbing or striking.
• Pushing the head forward.
• Thrusting the hips suggestively forward.
• Leaning forward.
• Stepping forward.
Found in
• Arm body language
• Hand body language
• Head body language
• Hips body language
Discussion
Moving forward can be an act of aggression and so signal anger, especially if it is done quickly
and in concert with other aggressive signals such as an angry expression on the face. As such it
is an invitation for the other person either to move away or to fight.
We all have defined personal spaces and moving forward may transition between social and
intimate space, signalling a desire to be closer to the other person. Other signals will indicate the
actual intent (there are many romantic signals, for example).

Arm body language

Techniques > Use of body language > Parts-of-the-body language > Arm body language
Expanding | Shaping | Raising | Weapon | Crossing | Reaching forward | Pulling back | See also

The arm is an interesting appendages with a ball at the top, a hinge in the middle, and with a rather
complex toolset at the end.
Watch also for arms held still -- this is often the first place the deceiver starts when trying to control body
language (they may even hold one arm with the other to keep them both still).
Expanding
Arms are clever expanding devices that can make us bigger or smaller, reaching out without having to
move the rest of our body.
They can extend towards the other person, either in threat or a more friendly way. Moved directly and
quickly they threaten. Curved and moving more slowly they may offer comfort.
The can also extend laterally, sometimes as a part of a body-expanding 'I am big' display that can signify
confidence or perhaps aggression.
Shaping
Arms are used as a part of shaping as we wave them around and carve out the world. They are an adjunct
to our words as we literally show other people how big the fish was or how small the child is.
When we are excited or confident, we may wave our arms about like windmills. When we are less
confident, our shaping is smaller and closer to the body.
This waving of arms needs control and a person who bangs their hand on something may indicate
clumsiness.
Raising
Raising the arms lifts something up. Done rapidly, it throws things into the air. With both arms, it
exaggerates it further. A typical two-arm-raising gesture is frustration, as everything that is
weighing the person down with confusion is thrown up into the air. Coupled with a shrug it
indicates confusion ('I don't know!!').
Weapon
Arms can be like weapons. They can symbolize clubs and spears as they strike out at imaginary foes.
They can also be defensive, blocking and sweeping away attacks. In martial arts arms can be
used to block and strike and this is reflected in how they may be used in communication.
Crossing
Arms can act as the doorway to the body and the self. When they are crossed, they form a closed
defensive shield, blocking out the outside world. Shields act in two ways: one is to block incoming
attacks and the other is a place behind which the person can hide and perhaps not be noticed.
Crossed arms thus indicate anxiety which is either driven by a lack of trust in the other person or an
internal discomfort and sense of vulnerability (that may, for example, be rooted in childhood
trauma).
The extent of crossing indicates how firmly closed the person is. This may range from a light cross to arms
folded to arms wrapped around the person. An extreme version which may indicate additional
hostility is a tight close with hands formed as fists. If legs are crossed also then this adds to the
signal.
The hands in an arm-cross may also be used to hold the person in a reassuring self-hug, for example
holding upper arms in a folded-arms position or wrapped around the torso, holding the sides. If
the thumbs are up, this may indicate some approval or agreement with what is being said.
When arms are not crossed, they expose the torso and the person, making them more vulnerable. This
signifies comfort that often indicates trust. It can also be power position that dares the other
person to attack whilst knowing that the other person dare not.
Crossed arms is a very obvious signal and if you do it in front of other people they will likely feel rejected
and respond accordingly (including not agreeing with you).
Note that not all crossed arms are defensive. Sometimes folded arms, for example, are just a relaxed
position. Crossed arms are also used when the person is cold (this is typically done with hands
tucked under armpits to keep them warm).
A common method sales people use to break a crossed-arms closed position is to give the person
something to hold or otherwise ask them to use their hands.
Reaching forward
Reaching forward to the other person can be quite scary for them as you could attack them, and a sudden
thrust forward can indeed be an aggressive signal, especially if the hand is pointing or shaped as
a fist.
Reaching forward can also be an offer of support or affection, seeking to touch and join with the other
person.
Pulling back
When arms are thrust forward, they are the first thing that may be grabbed or attacked. When a person
feels defensive they may pull back their arms out of harm's way.

Romantic body language

Techniques > Using body language > Romantic body language

From afar | Up close | See also

A significant cluster of body movements has to do with romance, signaling to a person of the
opposite sex that you are interested in partnering with them.

From afar
From afar, the first task of body language is to signal interest (and then to watch for reciprocal
body language).

Eyes
The eyes do much signaling. Initially and from a distance, a person may look at you for slightly
longer than normal, then look away, then look back up at you, again for a longer period.
Preening
There are many preening gestures. What you are basically saying with this is 'I am making myself
look good for you'. This includes tossing of the head, brushing hair with hand, polishing
spectacles and brushing clothes.

Enacting
Remote romantic language may also include enactment of sexually stimulating activities, for
example caressing oneself, for example stroking arms, leg or face. This may either say 'I would
like to stroke you like this' or 'I would like you to stroke me like this'.

Similarly, the person (women in particular) may lick and purse their lips into a kiss shape and
leave their mouth slightly open in imitation of sexual readiness.

Objects held may be also used in enactment displays, including cigarettes and wine glasses, for
example rolling and stroking them.

Displaying
Attractive parts of the body may be exposed, thrust forward, wiggled or otherwise highlighted. For
women this includes breasts, neck, bottom and legs. For men it includes a muscular torso, arms
or legs, and particularly the crotch (note that women seldom do this).

Faking often happens. Pressing together muscles gives the impression of higher muscle tone.
Pressing together and lifting breasts (sometimes helped with an appropriate brassiere) makes
them look firmer and larger. Holding out shoulders and arms makes the body look bigger. Holding
in the abdomen gives the impression of a firm tummy.

This is often playing to primitive needs. Women show that they are healthy and that they are able
to bear and feed the man's child. The man shows he is virile, strong and able to protect the
woman and her child.

Leaning
Leaning your body towards another person says 'I would like to be closer to you'. It also tests to
see whether they lean towards you or away from you. It can start with the head with a simple tilt
or may use the entire torso. This may be coupled with listening intently to what they say, again
showing particular interest in them.

Pointing
A person who is interested in you may subtly point at you with a foot, knee, arm or head. It is
effectively a signal that says 'I would like to go in this direction'.

Other displays
Other forms of more distant display that are intended to attract include:

Sensual or dramatic dancing (too dramatic, and it can have the opposite effect).
Crotch display, where (particularly male) legs are held apart to show off genitalia.
Faked interest in others, to invoke envy or hurry a closer engagement.
Nodding gently, as if to say 'Yes, I do like you.'
Up close
When you are close to the other person, the body language progressively gets more intimate until
one person signals 'enough'.

Close in and personal

In moving closer to the other person, you move from social space into their personal body space,
showing how you would like to get even closer to them, perhaps holding them and more...
Standing square-on to them also blocks anyone else from joining the conversation and signals to
others to stay away.

Copying
Imitating the person in some way shows 'I am like you'. This can range from a similar body
position to using the same gestures and language.

Lovers' gaze
When you are standing close to them, you will holding each other's gaze for longer and longer
periods before looking away. You many also use what are called 'doe eyes' or 'bedroom eyes',
which are often slightly moist and with the head inclined slightly down.

Where the eyes go is important. Looking at lips means 'I want to kiss'. Looking at other parts of
the body may mean 'I want to touch'.

A very subtle signal that few realize is that the eyes will dilate such that the dark pupils get much
bigger (this is one reason why dark-eyed people can seem attractive).

Touching
Touching signals even closer intimacy. It may start with 'accidental' brushing, followed by
touching of 'safe' parts of the body such as arms or back.

Caressing is gentle stroking that may start in the safer regions and then stray (especially when
alone) to sexual regions.

'Attraction-rejection' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Attraction-rejection' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Attention

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
B is attracted to A

B advances towards A.

A moves away from B.

B stops pursuing A.

A is attracted to B.

A advances towards B.

B moves away from A.

A stops pursuing B.
The pattern then repeats ad infinitum.

Discussion
This is the classic romantic pursuit game, and can happen at very subtle ways, for example:

Girl fancies boy and makes eye contact.

Boy is attracted and continues eye contact (pursuit).
Girl looks away (rejection)
Boy looks away (retreat)
Girl looks at boy and holds eye contact for longer (pursuit)
Girl looks away again (rejection)
Boy goes over to girl to say hello (pursuit)
Girl plays hard-to-get (rejection)
...etc.
Rejection works because of the Scarcity principle, where we desire what we cannot have.

This game, played well, is like fishing. Try to reach completion too soon and the fish slips away.
This happens, for example, when a boy gets too enthusiastic and doesn't stop chasing the girl.
The girl feel overwhelmed and sends 'end of game' signals (which may have to be quite blunt).

This game of attraction-then-rejection can be played on many persuasive stages, including sales
and negotiation, where both sides dance around each other, making and rejecting advances and
offers.

So what?
See the dance of attraction and rejection in your persuasion. Avoid chasing too hard. Also avoid
running too fast away from the other person - it is often useful go a little way and pause to see if
they are following!
Book review: The Two Step

Book reviews > The Two Step

This is a very different kind of book, yet one that richly deserves to be included in this set of
reviews.

The basic premise is that in seeking intimacy (the book is subtitled 'The dance towards intimacy'),
people play a two-handed and alternating chance game of 'Seeker and Sought'.

Done entirely as a set of almost 150 pages of cartoons, it describes the dance in an amusing and
yet highly educative way.

Seeker and Sought

Both Seeker and Sought gain from the game. The Seeker has hope of achieving their goal of
catching. The Sought enjoys the identity boost that the Seeker's attention gives them. Both enjoy
the thrill of the chase, where the Seeker fears failure and rejection whilst the Sought fears being
caught (at least too soon) and perhaps being rejected after consummation.

Power struggles
The result is a power struggle that plays out as a dance, where different forms attention, chase,
rejection, conquest and submission are used to control one another's movements, where each at
times seems more powerful than the other.
Territorial Games may form a part of this struggle, with the distance between the players as a
critical measure.

Balance
As with most games, both enjoy the game so much, completion can result in the relationship
deteriorating, such as when a long courtship ends in a disastrous relationship. Throughout the
game, an equitable balance needs to be maintained with appropriate reciprocity so that both can
travel hopefully. If either gives or tries to take too much, then the other will give up and game fails.

To make this balance work, each learns the rules and the game can fall into habits that either
sustain it for a long time or cause boredom and frustration that leads to its demise.

A way of maintaining the balance is for the players to switch roles. As the Seeker gives up, the
Sought detects this and chases them, thus maintaining the game.

Intimacy
The ultimate goal is to gradually reduce the gap so intimacy can occur and both can enjoy
consummation of the relationship. Power is given up to gain closeness. But even this is not
stasis, and before long the dance returns.

Although targeted primarily at explaining sexual intimacy (and seduction, although it does not
exactly say this), the book is also a brilliant and detailed exposition of general chase games, such
as 'Catch me if you can' game.

'Catch me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Catch me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Escape

Secondary: Sympathy

Game play
B is trying to catch A, for example because A owes B something, from money to answering a
simple question or just giving attention.

B tries every trick in the book to collect, from wheedling to name-and-shame to lawyers.

A uses every trick in the other book, from hiding to bold promises to pleas of poverty.

B corners A and plays 'Now I've got you', but A gets away to continue the game.

Discussion
Both enjoy the thrill of the chase. They also can then tell bar-room stories, such as 'Poor me' or
'Clever me', gaining appropriate sympathy. 'Poor me' is particularly useful for rich people who feel
isolated or guilty about their wealth.
This game is played by many groups, from landlords and tenants to attention-seeking children
and their busy parents. Children practice this in playground chase and hiding games. So do
courting lovers.

So what?
As a chaser, plan your approach then stick to it - beware of being led on a merry dance. As the
chased, draw chasers into the game. Give the satisfaction of having something to complain
about, such that they gain pleasure from the game.

See also
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine
Books

Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books

Stop me if you can

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > Stop me if you can

Purpose | Game play | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Escape, excuse

Secondary: Attention

Game play
A has a problem, from alcoholism or other addiction to anti-social behavior.

B is persecutor who berates A, and also gives A an excuse to continue - e.g. as an escape or as
reactive revenge. A's habit may also give excuse for A's bad behavior, such as beating up B (who
can then play 'Poor me').

C is rescuer who tries to cure A (and can play 'I'm only trying to help'). A goes along with C for a
while, getting attention and sympathy, but is actually playing 'See if you can stop me'. A can
repeat the game by offering remorse and playing 'This time it's real'.

D is the bartender or drug pusher who actively helps A and profits from A's behavior, and can
play conspiratorial games such as 'Go on, have another, nobody will know'.
You may also get E, a friendly figure, who reassures A and hence legitimizes the behavior.

Legitimization and perpetuation also happens through well-meaning organizations such as

Alcoholics Anonymous, where the addict gets to tell their story over and over, and receive
attention and sympathy as a reward.

When A's get together they indulge in pastimes such as boasting about what/how much they
have consumed and how terrible their hangover/withdrawal is.

B's and C's can also play games together, such as 'Ain't it awful'.

So what?
Refuse to play rescue games. Do not offer sympathy. Prevent them from getting legitimization
elsewhere. Expose the game. Give them information to let them decide when they are ready.
See also
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine
Books

Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books

'Poor me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Poor me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Sympathy, Displacement

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
A gets into a situation where they feel hard done by, where the world in general or someone in
particular is unfair to them.

A tells the story to B, lamenting how unlucky they are, how unfair things are.

B offers sympathy and concern.

B also now has gained some social capital from this and can ask for something in return.

Discussion
A's source of pain can include other games such as 'Stop me if you can' where A is the real
cause of the situation, or variants of the Blame game.

This is an archetypal victim game, although victimhood is at the heart of many other games.
People who play victim in various situations often get their reward later on in poor me sessions
where an accomplice offers them sympathy. Victims also get the benefit of absolving themselves
from responsibility. Nothing is felt to be really their fault (although they may berate themselves).
They are victims of circumstance and other people. They enjoy the anticipation of hope of rescue
in the manner of the helpless child.

If there is nobody else, then an alternative is to play the second person themselves. This lack of
support, of course, just gives another reason to feel 'poor me'.

A common response from B that balances out the social capital is to also do a 'Poor me'. The
game can then become a to-and-fro discussion of how terrible and downtrodden they are.

Note that there is a big difference between the victim in a game and a 'real-life' victim. The game
victim enters into the state voluntarily (albeit often subconsciously) and gains some comfort from
this state, as described above. The real victim is the person mugged on the streets or an orphan
in a war-torn country, who has no choice: they are made a victim by circumstance or the actions
of others.

So what?
If you are happy to be the shoulder to cry on for other people, then you can gain social capital
and ask for something in return.

Also, watch out for becoming the person about whom A is complaining.

'Poor me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Poor me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Sympathy, Displacement

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
A gets into a situation where they feel hard done by, where the world in general or someone in
particular is unfair to them.

A tells the story to B, lamenting how unlucky they are, how unfair things are.

B offers sympathy and concern.

B also now has gained some social capital from this and can ask for something in return.

Discussion
A's source of pain can include other games such as 'Stop me if you can' where A is the real
cause of the situation, or variants of the Blame game.

This is an archetypal victim game, although victimhood is at the heart of many other games.
People who play victim in various situations often get their reward later on in poor me sessions
where an accomplice offers them sympathy. Victims also get the benefit of absolving themselves
from responsibility. Nothing is felt to be really their fault (although they may berate themselves).
They are victims of circumstance and other people. They enjoy the anticipation of hope of rescue
in the manner of the helpless child.

If there is nobody else, then an alternative is to play the second person themselves. This lack of
support, of course, just gives another reason to feel 'poor me'.

A common response from B that balances out the social capital is to also do a 'Poor me'. The
game can then become a to-and-fro discussion of how terrible and downtrodden they are.

Note that there is a big difference between the victim in a game and a 'real-life' victim. The game
victim enters into the state voluntarily (albeit often subconsciously) and gains some comfort from
this state, as described above. The real victim is the person mugged on the streets or an orphan
in a war-torn country, who has no choice: they are made a victim by circumstance or the actions
of others.

So what?
If you are happy to be the shoulder to cry on for other people, then you can gain social capital
and ask for something in return.
Also, watch out for becoming the person about whom A is complaining.
Credentials

Disciplines > Negotiation > Negotiation tactics > Credentials

Description | Example | Discussion | See also

Description
Show how you are qualified to say the things you will say.

Put your qualifications on your business card.

Talk about your experience. Show how you have practiced what you preach.

Name-drop. Show how you are friends with the rich, famous and influential.

If appropriate, compare their credentials with yours.

Example
When I was talking with the CEO the other day, he though my ideas for new products were, as
usual, quite outstanding.

You know, I've been doing projects like this for twenty years, and I've always found that building
the plan with all stakeholders an essential activity.

I have a Ph.D. in the subject. What about you?

Discussion
In negotiation you are often selling yourself as well as the idea that you want to get across to the
other person. If they believe in you, then they are more likely to believe in your ideas.

When we know that another person is well-qualified in one area, we may assume that they are
generally intelligent and able to pronounce on things in completely unrelated areas. Thus, for
example, a doctorate in anthropology will be seen first as a doctorate. The letters 'Ph.D.' after
your name will often impress others and prevent them from questioning what you assert.

Demonstrating how you are qualified or experienced lets the other person know that what you say
is true. In a collaborative situation, this will build the relationship and create confidence. In a
competitive situation, it effectively says 'I know more than you. What I say is true and what you
say is false.'

Using humor

Techniques > Using humor

Humor is a surprisingly useful and subtle way of persuading, and can be used in all kinds of
situations. Here are a few notes about using humor:
Benefits of using humor: Have fun whilst building communication and more.
Becoming a child: Have fun whilst building your leadership status.
Laughter: Open expression of humor.
Politically-incorrect humor: Non-PC humor is mostly not a good idea. Mostly.
The bottom line of humor is to be always genuine and to have fun! Forced humor sounds forced,
and even though a false smile is difficult, a forced laugh always sounds particularly hollow.

Freud saw humor as based in the rush of pleasure comes from sudden release of tension.
Tension is released when because repressed impulses suddenly allowed expression when the
punch-line evades the internal censor (or anti-cathexis) via the element of surprise. The
preponderance of sexual humor also supports a Freudian view.

See also
 Preening

Techniques > Use of body language > Core patterns > Preening
Pattern | Found in | Discussion | See also

Pattern
'Preening' is act of faked cleaning or tidying that is common in courtship rituals across the animal
kingdom. birds pick at their feathers, chimps pick at fleas and humans tidy themselves to look
good for their prospective partners. Actions include:
• Straightening the tie or other clothes.
• Looking in a mirror.
• Curling lips to even out lipstick.
• Brushing imaginary lint off arms or legs.
• Patting down hair or combing it with the fingers.
Found in
• Chin body language
• Hair body language
• Leg body language
• Lips body language
Discussion
Preening happens a lot before people meet as people deliberately make themselves attractive.
Women in particular spend time in the bathroom primping themselves up. This can be a
competitive signal to other women ('I'm more beautiful than you, so don't bother competing with
me!').
As an act in front of another person, preening says 'Look, I am making myself beautiful for you!' It
may be combined with the look away -- look up flirting pattern.
Sometimes preening is just about vanity, as self-obsessed narcissists make themselves beautiful
just for themselves. It says 'I am too wonderful for you, but not for me.'
Preening is also touching oneself which, when done as gentle stroking, can be done romantically
as an offer ('Wouldn't you like to touch me like this? I might just let you...').
Self-touching can also be a sign of insecurity, so watch for other signs. Preening is done with
confidence and even arrogance ('I am so wonderful, you will not be able to resist me!').

Lips body language

Lips can say a lot of things without words. Our muscles around them mean we can shape them
with incredibly fine control. Lipstick is used to draw attention to the lips, thus exaggerating further
the signals sent by them.
Parted
Lips which are slightly parted can be a strong flirting signal, particularly if the lips are then licked
and even more so if done whilst holding the gaze of another person.
Parting lips is the first stage in speaking and may thus be a signal that the person wants to talk.
Pursed
Lips which are pulled inwards from all directions are an indication of tension and may indicate
frustration or disapproval.
Pursed lips are a classic sign of anger, including when it is suppressed. It is effectively holding
the mouth shut to prevent the person saying what they feel like saying.
Puckered
A light puckering of the lips into a kiss shape typically indicates desire. It can also indicate
uncertainty, particularly if the lips are touched with the fingers.
When you say 'oo', the lips form the kiss shape. This is one reason that romantic songs often
linger on words like 'you' and 'too'.
Flattened
Lips which are kept horizontal but squeezed flat are an exaggerated closing of the mouth and
hence indicate a repressed desire to speak. This indicate disapproval ('If I spoke I would be very
critical, which I do not want to be'). It can also indicate frustration ('I want to speak, but others are
speaking and I feel I should wait').
Flattened lips can also indicate a refusal to eat, either because of dislike of offered food or some
other motivation.
Turned up
When the corners of the mouth are turned upwards, this can be a grimace of disgust or a smile of
pleasure. In a grimace, the teeth are unlikely to be shown (although toothless smiles are also
common). Grimaces are often flatter and tenser.
A full smile engages the whole face, particularly including the eyes. Smiling with lips only is often
falsehood, where the smiler wants to convey pleasure or approval but is actually feeling
something else.
Turned down
Corners of the mouth turned down indicates sadness or displeasure.
Some people are so miserable so often, this is the natural state of rest of their mouths (which is
perhaps rather sad).
Retracted
When the lips are pulled back, they expose the teeth. This may be in a broad smile or it may be a
snarl of aggression. The eyes should tell you which is which. In a snarl, the eyes are either
narrowed or staring. In a full smile, the corners of the eyes are creased.
Moving
Lips which are moving in the shape of words but without making sounds means that the person is
thinking of saying the words. This subvocalization often happens with very small movement and
is often completely subconscious. Stage mentalists use this when they ask their 'victims' to think
hard of a word and then lip-read as they silently sound the word.
Up and down movement may indicate chewing. Some people chew the insides of their mouths
when they are nervous.
Rolling in the lips so they roll across one another can be a preening gesture for women, evening
out lipstick. It can also be a sign of uncertainty or disapproval (look for accompanying lowered
eyebrows).
Twitching
Small, lightning-fast movements of the mouth betray inner thoughts, for example a single twitch of
the corner of the mouth that indicates cynicism or disbelief.
Liars in particular will often give themselves away with very brief grimaces as their conscience
expresses disapproval of the conscious lies.
Protruding
When the top lip is over the bottom lip, this may be linked with biting of the bottom lip, a common
indicator that the person is feeling guilty about something.
The bottom lip extended over the top lip can indicate uncertainty, as if the person is saying 'umm'.
The bottom lip jutting out is often a part of a sulky pout, where the person expresses child-like
petulance at not getting their own way.
Both lips pressed together and pushed out generally indicates doubt. If the finger touches them, it
may indicate internal thinking or may say 'I am considering speaking but am not quite ready to
talk yet'.
Biting
Biting the lip, centrally or at the side, is often a sign of anxiety. Usually, this is the bottom lip
(especially if the person has overhanging top teeth). This may be a habitual action and people
who do this, will often repeat the move in predictable situations.
This is a fairly child-like action, especially if accompanied by wide eyes and eyebrows raised in
the middle and lowered at the sides, and thus may betray concern about being told off or
otherwise being censured in the manner of a child.
Relaxed
Finally, the lips will have a position of rest when they are not pulled in any direction. This usually
indicates that the person is also feeling relaxed.
Leg body language

Techniques > Use of body language > Parts-of-the-body language > Leg body language

Open Closed | Crossed | Pointing | Moving | Striking | Touching | See also

Legs are interesting in the field of non-verbal body language as the may say a lot without us really
realizing.

In particular when a person is trying to control their body language, they typically concentrate on
the upper body. The legs may thus tell what they are thinking. If the legs and upper body are in
conflict, then there is a possible of deliberate control.

Open
Standing
Legs which are held apart when standing provide a stable base for the person. Standing with feet
about the width of the shoulders is a normal, relaxed pose. Slightly wider indicates that the
person feels grounded and confident.

A wider stance makes the body wider and hence appear bigger and is a signal of power and
dominance. This also takes up more territory and shows domination.

Taking a stable position is readying the body in case the other person attacks and can be a
cautious position.

Open legs displays and makes vulnerable the genitals. This can be a sexual display (especially
men to women) or a show of power (especially between men).

When one foot is forward and the other behind, this can be taking a extra stable position in case
of frontal attack (as with martial artists). It can also be a frozen walk, indicating that the person
wants to go somewhere (which way are they pointing?).

Sitting
Sitting with slightly open legs is a relaxed position, showing the person is comfortable. One or
both legs may be flopped down sideways as far as they can go.

Sitting allows a wider opening of the legs and can thus be even more of a sexual 'crotch display'.
If the person is a bit worried about this, then their hands may cover the genitals.

Closed
Standing
When the person is standing with feet together (or less that a relaxed shoulder-width) then this
may display anxiety as it makes them smaller as a target and gives some protection to the
genitals.

A fully-closed standing position has knees touching. Increased desire for protection may be
indicated by the person turning slightly to the side, leaning forwards a little or pulling the hips
back.

Note that a closed position also happens when the person is cold.

Sitting
When sitting, the knees may be held gently or tightly together, depending on the anxiety level.
Crossed
As with arms, crossing legs can protective and negative, shielding the person from other people
and their ideas.

Tension may be seen in crossed legs and greater anxiety leads to legs held more rigidly and
which move more jerkily.

Crossed legs can also mean that the person wants to visit the toilet!

Standing
Crossing legs when standing can be an indication of shyness or being coy and may be
accompanied by such as hands held behind the back and a lowered head.

This is an unstable position and the person may sway a little. Being so easy to be pushed over
and slow to unwind and run away, this is seldom a defensive stance, although it can be
submissive.

Sitting
Crossing legs is much easier when sitting and can take several different forms.

Crossing ankles is a minimal cross and can be fairly relaxed, especially when the legs are
stretched forward and the person is leaning back (and more so if the hands are behind the head).
When more tension is seen, for example in clenched hands, then this may be a signal of self-
restraint.

An ankle cross with legs tucked under the chair can indicate concealed anxiety. The concern may
be more obvious if the person is leaning forward.

Crossing knees may indicate greater anxiety or defensiveness, particularly if the legs appear
tense and even more so if one leg is wrapped firmly around the other.

A relaxed cross with lower legs falling close together needs a wider pelvis and hence may be
used as a sexual signal by women, particularly if they have exposed legs.

The figure-four cross occurs where one ankle is placed on top of the other legs' knee, with top
leg's knee pointing sideways. This can be a surreptitious crotch display, and is more common
amongst men as it invites females and challenges other males. This may be covered with hands
that hold the shin or ankle of the top leg.

Pointing
Legs may be used to point to things of interest, as with other parts of the body. The reverse is
also true and pulling a leg back may show disinterest.

Standing
When standing, one leg may point at an angle with both foot and knee, for example in a
conversation where a person who wants to leave points at the door. Pointing anywhere away
from the other person means 'I want to be elsewhere'.

Sometimes, when the genitals are exposed in a crotch display the legs do point to the side, but
this is not the real message that is being sent.

Sitting
When sitting, legs do not have to support the body but they are more visible and so send more
obvious messages (unless they are under a table, where they still may subconsciously point in a
direction of interest).
Sitting legs may point with knees or feet at interesting other people, as well as desired direction of
travel.

Sitting forward with one foot pointing away and the other back is preparation to stand up and is a
common signal that the person wants to leave or go somewhere.

Moving
Moving legs sometimes is just exercising them to get the circulation moving more and loosen
cramped muscles. Sometimes also this sends a signal.

Standing
Swinging a leg when standing can act as a pointer. Bouncing the leg can indicate impatience.

Moving a leg is one way of getting closer to another person without full body movement. Pulling it
back shows disinterest. When the leg moves back and fore towards and away from a person it
may be a subtle 'Attraction-rejection' game that invites the other person to chase after you.

If done in time to music, especially if it bounces the upper body, it can be an invitation to dance
(females sometimes deliberately do this to make their breasts bounce and so entice a male).

Sitting
A crossed leg may bounce up and down. This can be a sign of impatience (particularly if rapid) or
attraction, as with standing movement. It may also be rather obvious pointing. When sitting, a
knee waving sideways can also indicate impatience or point sideways.

The leg may also swing in time to music, indicating that the person is relaxed and enjoying the
vibe (and perhaps inviting others to join in).

Striking
Legs can also be weapons, as all martial artists know. Legs are longer than arms and have much
bigger muscles. This can make a kick very powerful.

The legs can hit with thigh or knee (such as in the groin strike), the shin (a nice hard bone) or the
top, ball or side of the foot.

Actual striking is rare, but moving as if to kick someone can come from a desire to actually do so.
A slight twitch in the right direction can thus signal aggression and cause embarrassment.
Swinging the leg may simulate kicking.

Touching
Standing
When standing, not much of the leg can be touched. The bottom or thighs may be stroked
seductively. They may also be slapped. A single slap can say 'Right, let's go' and signal that the
person is about to make a suggestion. A slapped side of leg may also indicate irritation, saying
'Dang! What a nuisance!'

Sitting
When sitting, more of the leg may be reached, particularly in the figure-four cross-leg position,
and in a more visible manner. Seductive stroking can thus be a strong sexual invitation.

Preening may also be used, brushing real or imagined bits of fluff off crossed legs.

The leg may also be tapped, perhaps in time to music and perhaps impatiently.

Moving forward
 Techniques > Use of body language > Core patterns > Moving forward
Pattern | Found in | Discussion | See also

Pattern
When a person moves forward, even slightly, they are sending signals.
• Reaching forward with arms and hands, giving, grabbing or striking.
• Pushing the head forward.
• Thrusting the hips suggestively forward.
• Leaning forward.
• Stepping forward.
Found in
• Arm body language
• Hand body language
• Head body language
• Hips body language
Discussion
Moving forward can be an act of aggression and so signal anger, especially if it is done quickly
and in concert with other aggressive signals such as an angry expression on the face. As such it
is an invitation for the other person either to move away or to fight.
We all have defined personal spaces and moving forward may transition between social and
intimate space, signalling a desire to be closer to the other person. Other signals will indicate the
actual intent (there are many romantic signals, for example).

Arm body language

Techniques > Use of body language > Parts-of-the-body language > Arm body language
Expanding | Shaping | Raising | Weapon | Crossing | Reaching forward | Pulling back | See also

The arm is an interesting appendages with a ball at the top, a hinge in the middle, and with a rather
complex toolset at the end.
Watch also for arms held still -- this is often the first place the deceiver starts when trying to control body
language (they may even hold one arm with the other to keep them both still).
Expanding
Arms are clever expanding devices that can make us bigger or smaller, reaching out without having to
move the rest of our body.
They can extend towards the other person, either in threat or a more friendly way. Moved directly and
quickly they threaten. Curved and moving more slowly they may offer comfort.
The can also extend laterally, sometimes as a part of a body-expanding 'I am big' display that can signify
confidence or perhaps aggression.
Shaping
Arms are used as a part of shaping as we wave them around and carve out the world. They are an adjunct
to our words as we literally show other people how big the fish was or how small the child is.
When we are excited or confident, we may wave our arms about like windmills. When we are less
confident, our shaping is smaller and closer to the body.
This waving of arms needs control and a person who bangs their hand on something may indicate
clumsiness.
Raising
Raising the arms lifts something up. Done rapidly, it throws things into the air. With both arms, it
exaggerates it further. A typical two-arm-raising gesture is frustration, as everything that is
weighing the person down with confusion is thrown up into the air. Coupled with a shrug it
indicates confusion ('I don't know!!').
Weapon
Arms can be like weapons. They can symbolize clubs and spears as they strike out at imaginary foes.
They can also be defensive, blocking and sweeping away attacks. In martial arts arms can be
used to block and strike and this is reflected in how they may be used in communication.
Crossing
Arms can act as the doorway to the body and the self. When they are crossed, they form a closed
defensive shield, blocking out the outside world. Shields act in two ways: one is to block incoming
attacks and the other is a place behind which the person can hide and perhaps not be noticed.
Crossed arms thus indicate anxiety which is either driven by a lack of trust in the other person or an
internal discomfort and sense of vulnerability (that may, for example, be rooted in childhood
trauma).
The extent of crossing indicates how firmly closed the person is. This may range from a light cross to arms
folded to arms wrapped around the person. An extreme version which may indicate additional
hostility is a tight close with hands formed as fists. If legs are crossed also then this adds to the
signal.
The hands in an arm-cross may also be used to hold the person in a reassuring self-hug, for example
holding upper arms in a folded-arms position or wrapped around the torso, holding the sides. If
the thumbs are up, this may indicate some approval or agreement with what is being said.
When arms are not crossed, they expose the torso and the person, making them more vulnerable. This
signifies comfort that often indicates trust. It can also be power position that dares the other
person to attack whilst knowing that the other person dare not.
Crossed arms is a very obvious signal and if you do it in front of other people they will likely feel rejected
and respond accordingly (including not agreeing with you).
Note that not all crossed arms are defensive. Sometimes folded arms, for example, are just a relaxed
position. Crossed arms are also used when the person is cold (this is typically done with hands
tucked under armpits to keep them warm).
A common method sales people use to break a crossed-arms closed position is to give the person
something to hold or otherwise ask them to use their hands.
Reaching forward
Reaching forward to the other person can be quite scary for them as you could attack them, and a sudden
thrust forward can indeed be an aggressive signal, especially if the hand is pointing or shaped as
a fist.
Reaching forward can also be an offer of support or affection, seeking to touch and join with the other
person.
Pulling back
When arms are thrust forward, they are the first thing that may be grabbed or attacked. When a person
feels defensive they may pull back their arms out of harm's way.

Romantic body language

Techniques > Using body language > Romantic body language

From afar | Up close | See also

A significant cluster of body movements has to do with romance, signaling to a person of the
opposite sex that you are interested in partnering with them.

From afar
From afar, the first task of body language is to signal interest (and then to watch for reciprocal
body language).

Eyes
The eyes do much signaling. Initially and from a distance, a person may look at you for slightly
longer than normal, then look away, then look back up at you, again for a longer period.
Preening
There are many preening gestures. What you are basically saying with this is 'I am making myself
look good for you'. This includes tossing of the head, brushing hair with hand, polishing
spectacles and brushing clothes.

Enacting
Remote romantic language may also include enactment of sexually stimulating activities, for
example caressing oneself, for example stroking arms, leg or face. This may either say 'I would
like to stroke you like this' or 'I would like you to stroke me like this'.

Similarly, the person (women in particular) may lick and purse their lips into a kiss shape and
leave their mouth slightly open in imitation of sexual readiness.

Objects held may be also used in enactment displays, including cigarettes and wine glasses, for
example rolling and stroking them.

Displaying
Attractive parts of the body may be exposed, thrust forward, wiggled or otherwise highlighted. For
women this includes breasts, neck, bottom and legs. For men it includes a muscular torso, arms
or legs, and particularly the crotch (note that women seldom do this).

Faking often happens. Pressing together muscles gives the impression of higher muscle tone.
Pressing together and lifting breasts (sometimes helped with an appropriate brassiere) makes
them look firmer and larger. Holding out shoulders and arms makes the body look bigger. Holding
in the abdomen gives the impression of a firm tummy.

This is often playing to primitive needs. Women show that they are healthy and that they are able
to bear and feed the man's child. The man shows he is virile, strong and able to protect the
woman and her child.

Leaning
Leaning your body towards another person says 'I would like to be closer to you'. It also tests to
see whether they lean towards you or away from you. It can start with the head with a simple tilt
or may use the entire torso. This may be coupled with listening intently to what they say, again
showing particular interest in them.

Pointing
A person who is interested in you may subtly point at you with a foot, knee, arm or head. It is
effectively a signal that says 'I would like to go in this direction'.

Other displays
Other forms of more distant display that are intended to attract include:

Sensual or dramatic dancing (too dramatic, and it can have the opposite effect).
Crotch display, where (particularly male) legs are held apart to show off genitalia.
Faked interest in others, to invoke envy or hurry a closer engagement.
Nodding gently, as if to say 'Yes, I do like you.'
Up close
When you are close to the other person, the body language progressively gets more intimate until
one person signals 'enough'.

Close in and personal

In moving closer to the other person, you move from social space into their personal body space,
showing how you would like to get even closer to them, perhaps holding them and more...
Standing square-on to them also blocks anyone else from joining the conversation and signals to
others to stay away.

Copying
Imitating the person in some way shows 'I am like you'. This can range from a similar body
position to using the same gestures and language.

Lovers' gaze
When you are standing close to them, you will holding each other's gaze for longer and longer
periods before looking away. You many also use what are called 'doe eyes' or 'bedroom eyes',
which are often slightly moist and with the head inclined slightly down.

Where the eyes go is important. Looking at lips means 'I want to kiss'. Looking at other parts of
the body may mean 'I want to touch'.

A very subtle signal that few realize is that the eyes will dilate such that the dark pupils get much
bigger (this is one reason why dark-eyed people can seem attractive).

Touching
Touching signals even closer intimacy. It may start with 'accidental' brushing, followed by
touching of 'safe' parts of the body such as arms or back.

Caressing is gentle stroking that may start in the safer regions and then stray (especially when
alone) to sexual regions.

'Attraction-rejection' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Attraction-rejection' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Attention

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
B is attracted to A

B advances towards A.

A moves away from B.

B stops pursuing A.

A is attracted to B.

A advances towards B.

B moves away from A.

A stops pursuing B.
The pattern then repeats ad infinitum.

Discussion
This is the classic romantic pursuit game, and can happen at very subtle ways, for example:

Girl fancies boy and makes eye contact.

Boy is attracted and continues eye contact (pursuit).
Girl looks away (rejection)
Boy looks away (retreat)
Girl looks at boy and holds eye contact for longer (pursuit)
Girl looks away again (rejection)
Boy goes over to girl to say hello (pursuit)
Girl plays hard-to-get (rejection)
...etc.
Rejection works because of the Scarcity principle, where we desire what we cannot have.

This game, played well, is like fishing. Try to reach completion too soon and the fish slips away.
This happens, for example, when a boy gets too enthusiastic and doesn't stop chasing the girl.
The girl feel overwhelmed and sends 'end of game' signals (which may have to be quite blunt).

This game of attraction-then-rejection can be played on many persuasive stages, including sales
and negotiation, where both sides dance around each other, making and rejecting advances and
offers.

So what?
See the dance of attraction and rejection in your persuasion. Avoid chasing too hard. Also avoid
running too fast away from the other person - it is often useful go a little way and pause to see if
they are following!
Book review: The Two Step

Book reviews > The Two Step

This is a very different kind of book, yet one that richly deserves to be included in this set of
reviews.

The basic premise is that in seeking intimacy (the book is subtitled 'The dance towards intimacy'),
people play a two-handed and alternating chance game of 'Seeker and Sought'.

Done entirely as a set of almost 150 pages of cartoons, it describes the dance in an amusing and
yet highly educative way.

Seeker and Sought

Both Seeker and Sought gain from the game. The Seeker has hope of achieving their goal of
catching. The Sought enjoys the identity boost that the Seeker's attention gives them. Both enjoy
the thrill of the chase, where the Seeker fears failure and rejection whilst the Sought fears being
caught (at least too soon) and perhaps being rejected after consummation.

Power struggles
The result is a power struggle that plays out as a dance, where different forms attention, chase,
rejection, conquest and submission are used to control one another's movements, where each at
times seems more powerful than the other.
Territorial Games may form a part of this struggle, with the distance between the players as a
critical measure.

Balance
As with most games, both enjoy the game so much, completion can result in the relationship
deteriorating, such as when a long courtship ends in a disastrous relationship. Throughout the
game, an equitable balance needs to be maintained with appropriate reciprocity so that both can
travel hopefully. If either gives or tries to take too much, then the other will give up and game fails.

To make this balance work, each learns the rules and the game can fall into habits that either
sustain it for a long time or cause boredom and frustration that leads to its demise.

A way of maintaining the balance is for the players to switch roles. As the Seeker gives up, the
Sought detects this and chases them, thus maintaining the game.

Intimacy
The ultimate goal is to gradually reduce the gap so intimacy can occur and both can enjoy
consummation of the relationship. Power is given up to gain closeness. But even this is not
stasis, and before long the dance returns.

Although targeted primarily at explaining sexual intimacy (and seduction, although it does not
exactly say this), the book is also a brilliant and detailed exposition of general chase games, such
as 'Catch me if you can' game.

'Catch me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Catch me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Escape

Secondary: Sympathy

Game play
B is trying to catch A, for example because A owes B something, from money to answering a
simple question or just giving attention.

B tries every trick in the book to collect, from wheedling to name-and-shame to lawyers.

A uses every trick in the other book, from hiding to bold promises to pleas of poverty.

B corners A and plays 'Now I've got you', but A gets away to continue the game.

Discussion
Both enjoy the thrill of the chase. They also can then tell bar-room stories, such as 'Poor me' or
'Clever me', gaining appropriate sympathy. 'Poor me' is particularly useful for rich people who feel
isolated or guilty about their wealth.
This game is played by many groups, from landlords and tenants to attention-seeking children
and their busy parents. Children practice this in playground chase and hiding games. So do
courting lovers.

So what?
As a chaser, plan your approach then stick to it - beware of being led on a merry dance. As the
chased, draw chasers into the game. Give the satisfaction of having something to complain
about, such that they gain pleasure from the game.

See also
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine
Books

Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books

Stop me if you can

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > Stop me if you can

Purpose | Game play | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Escape, excuse

Secondary: Attention

Game play
A has a problem, from alcoholism or other addiction to anti-social behavior.

B is persecutor who berates A, and also gives A an excuse to continue - e.g. as an escape or as
reactive revenge. A's habit may also give excuse for A's bad behavior, such as beating up B (who
can then play 'Poor me').

C is rescuer who tries to cure A (and can play 'I'm only trying to help'). A goes along with C for a
while, getting attention and sympathy, but is actually playing 'See if you can stop me'. A can
repeat the game by offering remorse and playing 'This time it's real'.

D is the bartender or drug pusher who actively helps A and profits from A's behavior, and can
play conspiratorial games such as 'Go on, have another, nobody will know'.
You may also get E, a friendly figure, who reassures A and hence legitimizes the behavior.

Legitimization and perpetuation also happens through well-meaning organizations such as

Alcoholics Anonymous, where the addict gets to tell their story over and over, and receive
attention and sympathy as a reward.

When A's get together they indulge in pastimes such as boasting about what/how much they
have consumed and how terrible their hangover/withdrawal is.

B's and C's can also play games together, such as 'Ain't it awful'.

So what?
Refuse to play rescue games. Do not offer sympathy. Prevent them from getting legitimization
elsewhere. Expose the game. Give them information to let them decide when they are ready.
See also
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine
Books

Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books

'Poor me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Poor me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Sympathy, Displacement

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
A gets into a situation where they feel hard done by, where the world in general or someone in
particular is unfair to them.

A tells the story to B, lamenting how unlucky they are, how unfair things are.

B offers sympathy and concern.

B also now has gained some social capital from this and can ask for something in return.

Discussion
A's source of pain can include other games such as 'Stop me if you can' where A is the real
cause of the situation, or variants of the Blame game.

This is an archetypal victim game, although victimhood is at the heart of many other games.
People who play victim in various situations often get their reward later on in poor me sessions
where an accomplice offers them sympathy. Victims also get the benefit of absolving themselves
from responsibility. Nothing is felt to be really their fault (although they may berate themselves).
They are victims of circumstance and other people. They enjoy the anticipation of hope of rescue
in the manner of the helpless child.

If there is nobody else, then an alternative is to play the second person themselves. This lack of
support, of course, just gives another reason to feel 'poor me'.

A common response from B that balances out the social capital is to also do a 'Poor me'. The
game can then become a to-and-fro discussion of how terrible and downtrodden they are.

Note that there is a big difference between the victim in a game and a 'real-life' victim. The game
victim enters into the state voluntarily (albeit often subconsciously) and gains some comfort from
this state, as described above. The real victim is the person mugged on the streets or an orphan
in a war-torn country, who has no choice: they are made a victim by circumstance or the actions
of others.

So what?
If you are happy to be the shoulder to cry on for other people, then you can gain social capital
and ask for something in return.

Also, watch out for becoming the person about whom A is complaining.

'Poor me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Poor me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Sympathy, Displacement

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
A gets into a situation where they feel hard done by, where the world in general or someone in
particular is unfair to them.

A tells the story to B, lamenting how unlucky they are, how unfair things are.

B offers sympathy and concern.

B also now has gained some social capital from this and can ask for something in return.

Discussion
A's source of pain can include other games such as 'Stop me if you can' where A is the real
cause of the situation, or variants of the Blame game.

This is an archetypal victim game, although victimhood is at the heart of many other games.
People who play victim in various situations often get their reward later on in poor me sessions
where an accomplice offers them sympathy. Victims also get the benefit of absolving themselves
from responsibility. Nothing is felt to be really their fault (although they may berate themselves).
They are victims of circumstance and other people. They enjoy the anticipation of hope of rescue
in the manner of the helpless child.

If there is nobody else, then an alternative is to play the second person themselves. This lack of
support, of course, just gives another reason to feel 'poor me'.

A common response from B that balances out the social capital is to also do a 'Poor me'. The
game can then become a to-and-fro discussion of how terrible and downtrodden they are.

Note that there is a big difference between the victim in a game and a 'real-life' victim. The game
victim enters into the state voluntarily (albeit often subconsciously) and gains some comfort from
this state, as described above. The real victim is the person mugged on the streets or an orphan
in a war-torn country, who has no choice: they are made a victim by circumstance or the actions
of others.

So what?
If you are happy to be the shoulder to cry on for other people, then you can gain social capital
and ask for something in return.
Also, watch out for becoming the person about whom A is complaining.
Credentials

Disciplines > Negotiation > Negotiation tactics > Credentials

Description | Example | Discussion | See also

Description
Show how you are qualified to say the things you will say.

Put your qualifications on your business card.

Talk about your experience. Show how you have practiced what you preach.

Name-drop. Show how you are friends with the rich, famous and influential.

If appropriate, compare their credentials with yours.

Example
When I was talking with the CEO the other day, he though my ideas for new products were, as
usual, quite outstanding.

You know, I've been doing projects like this for twenty years, and I've always found that building
the plan with all stakeholders an essential activity.

I have a Ph.D. in the subject. What about you?

Discussion
In negotiation you are often selling yourself as well as the idea that you want to get across to the
other person. If they believe in you, then they are more likely to believe in your ideas.

When we know that another person is well-qualified in one area, we may assume that they are
generally intelligent and able to pronounce on things in completely unrelated areas. Thus, for
example, a doctorate in anthropology will be seen first as a doctorate. The letters 'Ph.D.' after
your name will often impress others and prevent them from questioning what you assert.

Demonstrating how you are qualified or experienced lets the other person know that what you say
is true. In a collaborative situation, this will build the relationship and create confidence. In a
competitive situation, it effectively says 'I know more than you. What I say is true and what you
say is false.'

Using humor

Techniques > Using humor

Humor is a surprisingly useful and subtle way of persuading, and can be used in all kinds of
situations. Here are a few notes about using humor:
Benefits of using humor: Have fun whilst building communication and more.
Becoming a child: Have fun whilst building your leadership status.
Laughter: Open expression of humor.
Politically-incorrect humor: Non-PC humor is mostly not a good idea. Mostly.
The bottom line of humor is to be always genuine and to have fun! Forced humor sounds forced,
and even though a false smile is difficult, a forced laugh always sounds particularly hollow.

Freud saw humor as based in the rush of pleasure comes from sudden release of tension.
Tension is released when because repressed impulses suddenly allowed expression when the
punch-line evades the internal censor (or anti-cathexis) via the element of surprise. The
preponderance of sexual humor also supports a Freudian view.

See also
 Preening

Techniques > Use of body language > Core patterns > Preening
Pattern | Found in | Discussion | See also

Pattern
'Preening' is act of faked cleaning or tidying that is common in courtship rituals across the animal
kingdom. birds pick at their feathers, chimps pick at fleas and humans tidy themselves to look
good for their prospective partners. Actions include:
• Straightening the tie or other clothes.
• Looking in a mirror.
• Curling lips to even out lipstick.
• Brushing imaginary lint off arms or legs.
• Patting down hair or combing it with the fingers.
Found in
• Chin body language
• Hair body language
• Leg body language
• Lips body language
Discussion
Preening happens a lot before people meet as people deliberately make themselves attractive.
Women in particular spend time in the bathroom primping themselves up. This can be a
competitive signal to other women ('I'm more beautiful than you, so don't bother competing with
me!').
As an act in front of another person, preening says 'Look, I am making myself beautiful for you!' It
may be combined with the look away -- look up flirting pattern.
Sometimes preening is just about vanity, as self-obsessed narcissists make themselves beautiful
just for themselves. It says 'I am too wonderful for you, but not for me.'
Preening is also touching oneself which, when done as gentle stroking, can be done romantically
as an offer ('Wouldn't you like to touch me like this? I might just let you...').
Self-touching can also be a sign of insecurity, so watch for other signs. Preening is done with
confidence and even arrogance ('I am so wonderful, you will not be able to resist me!').

Lips body language

Lips can say a lot of things without words. Our muscles around them mean we can shape them
with incredibly fine control. Lipstick is used to draw attention to the lips, thus exaggerating further
the signals sent by them.
Parted
Lips which are slightly parted can be a strong flirting signal, particularly if the lips are then licked
and even more so if done whilst holding the gaze of another person.
Parting lips is the first stage in speaking and may thus be a signal that the person wants to talk.
Pursed
Lips which are pulled inwards from all directions are an indication of tension and may indicate
frustration or disapproval.
Pursed lips are a classic sign of anger, including when it is suppressed. It is effectively holding
the mouth shut to prevent the person saying what they feel like saying.
Puckered
A light puckering of the lips into a kiss shape typically indicates desire. It can also indicate
uncertainty, particularly if the lips are touched with the fingers.
When you say 'oo', the lips form the kiss shape. This is one reason that romantic songs often
linger on words like 'you' and 'too'.
Flattened
Lips which are kept horizontal but squeezed flat are an exaggerated closing of the mouth and
hence indicate a repressed desire to speak. This indicate disapproval ('If I spoke I would be very
critical, which I do not want to be'). It can also indicate frustration ('I want to speak, but others are
speaking and I feel I should wait').
Flattened lips can also indicate a refusal to eat, either because of dislike of offered food or some
other motivation.
Turned up
When the corners of the mouth are turned upwards, this can be a grimace of disgust or a smile of
pleasure. In a grimace, the teeth are unlikely to be shown (although toothless smiles are also
common). Grimaces are often flatter and tenser.
A full smile engages the whole face, particularly including the eyes. Smiling with lips only is often
falsehood, where the smiler wants to convey pleasure or approval but is actually feeling
something else.
Turned down
Corners of the mouth turned down indicates sadness or displeasure.
Some people are so miserable so often, this is the natural state of rest of their mouths (which is
perhaps rather sad).
Retracted
When the lips are pulled back, they expose the teeth. This may be in a broad smile or it may be a
snarl of aggression. The eyes should tell you which is which. In a snarl, the eyes are either
narrowed or staring. In a full smile, the corners of the eyes are creased.
Moving
Lips which are moving in the shape of words but without making sounds means that the person is
thinking of saying the words. This subvocalization often happens with very small movement and
is often completely subconscious. Stage mentalists use this when they ask their 'victims' to think
hard of a word and then lip-read as they silently sound the word.
Up and down movement may indicate chewing. Some people chew the insides of their mouths
when they are nervous.
Rolling in the lips so they roll across one another can be a preening gesture for women, evening
out lipstick. It can also be a sign of uncertainty or disapproval (look for accompanying lowered
eyebrows).
Twitching
Small, lightning-fast movements of the mouth betray inner thoughts, for example a single twitch of
the corner of the mouth that indicates cynicism or disbelief.
Liars in particular will often give themselves away with very brief grimaces as their conscience
expresses disapproval of the conscious lies.
Protruding
When the top lip is over the bottom lip, this may be linked with biting of the bottom lip, a common
indicator that the person is feeling guilty about something.
The bottom lip extended over the top lip can indicate uncertainty, as if the person is saying 'umm'.
The bottom lip jutting out is often a part of a sulky pout, where the person expresses child-like
petulance at not getting their own way.
Both lips pressed together and pushed out generally indicates doubt. If the finger touches them, it
may indicate internal thinking or may say 'I am considering speaking but am not quite ready to
talk yet'.
Biting
Biting the lip, centrally or at the side, is often a sign of anxiety. Usually, this is the bottom lip
(especially if the person has overhanging top teeth). This may be a habitual action and people
who do this, will often repeat the move in predictable situations.
This is a fairly child-like action, especially if accompanied by wide eyes and eyebrows raised in
the middle and lowered at the sides, and thus may betray concern about being told off or
otherwise being censured in the manner of a child.
Relaxed
Finally, the lips will have a position of rest when they are not pulled in any direction. This usually
indicates that the person is also feeling relaxed.
Leg body language

Techniques > Use of body language > Parts-of-the-body language > Leg body language

Open Closed | Crossed | Pointing | Moving | Striking | Touching | See also

Legs are interesting in the field of non-verbal body language as the may say a lot without us really
realizing.

In particular when a person is trying to control their body language, they typically concentrate on
the upper body. The legs may thus tell what they are thinking. If the legs and upper body are in
conflict, then there is a possible of deliberate control.

Open
Standing
Legs which are held apart when standing provide a stable base for the person. Standing with feet
about the width of the shoulders is a normal, relaxed pose. Slightly wider indicates that the
person feels grounded and confident.

A wider stance makes the body wider and hence appear bigger and is a signal of power and
dominance. This also takes up more territory and shows domination.

Taking a stable position is readying the body in case the other person attacks and can be a
cautious position.

Open legs displays and makes vulnerable the genitals. This can be a sexual display (especially
men to women) or a show of power (especially between men).

When one foot is forward and the other behind, this can be taking a extra stable position in case
of frontal attack (as with martial artists). It can also be a frozen walk, indicating that the person
wants to go somewhere (which way are they pointing?).

Sitting
Sitting with slightly open legs is a relaxed position, showing the person is comfortable. One or
both legs may be flopped down sideways as far as they can go.

Sitting allows a wider opening of the legs and can thus be even more of a sexual 'crotch display'.
If the person is a bit worried about this, then their hands may cover the genitals.

Closed
Standing
When the person is standing with feet together (or less that a relaxed shoulder-width) then this
may display anxiety as it makes them smaller as a target and gives some protection to the
genitals.

A fully-closed standing position has knees touching. Increased desire for protection may be
indicated by the person turning slightly to the side, leaning forwards a little or pulling the hips
back.

Note that a closed position also happens when the person is cold.

Sitting
When sitting, the knees may be held gently or tightly together, depending on the anxiety level.
Crossed
As with arms, crossing legs can protective and negative, shielding the person from other people
and their ideas.

Tension may be seen in crossed legs and greater anxiety leads to legs held more rigidly and
which move more jerkily.

Crossed legs can also mean that the person wants to visit the toilet!

Standing
Crossing legs when standing can be an indication of shyness or being coy and may be
accompanied by such as hands held behind the back and a lowered head.

This is an unstable position and the person may sway a little. Being so easy to be pushed over
and slow to unwind and run away, this is seldom a defensive stance, although it can be
submissive.

Sitting
Crossing legs is much easier when sitting and can take several different forms.

Crossing ankles is a minimal cross and can be fairly relaxed, especially when the legs are
stretched forward and the person is leaning back (and more so if the hands are behind the head).
When more tension is seen, for example in clenched hands, then this may be a signal of self-
restraint.

An ankle cross with legs tucked under the chair can indicate concealed anxiety. The concern may
be more obvious if the person is leaning forward.

Crossing knees may indicate greater anxiety or defensiveness, particularly if the legs appear
tense and even more so if one leg is wrapped firmly around the other.

A relaxed cross with lower legs falling close together needs a wider pelvis and hence may be
used as a sexual signal by women, particularly if they have exposed legs.

The figure-four cross occurs where one ankle is placed on top of the other legs' knee, with top
leg's knee pointing sideways. This can be a surreptitious crotch display, and is more common
amongst men as it invites females and challenges other males. This may be covered with hands
that hold the shin or ankle of the top leg.

Pointing
Legs may be used to point to things of interest, as with other parts of the body. The reverse is
also true and pulling a leg back may show disinterest.

Standing
When standing, one leg may point at an angle with both foot and knee, for example in a
conversation where a person who wants to leave points at the door. Pointing anywhere away
from the other person means 'I want to be elsewhere'.

Sometimes, when the genitals are exposed in a crotch display the legs do point to the side, but
this is not the real message that is being sent.

Sitting
When sitting, legs do not have to support the body but they are more visible and so send more
obvious messages (unless they are under a table, where they still may subconsciously point in a
direction of interest).
Sitting legs may point with knees or feet at interesting other people, as well as desired direction of
travel.

Sitting forward with one foot pointing away and the other back is preparation to stand up and is a
common signal that the person wants to leave or go somewhere.

Moving
Moving legs sometimes is just exercising them to get the circulation moving more and loosen
cramped muscles. Sometimes also this sends a signal.

Standing
Swinging a leg when standing can act as a pointer. Bouncing the leg can indicate impatience.

Moving a leg is one way of getting closer to another person without full body movement. Pulling it
back shows disinterest. When the leg moves back and fore towards and away from a person it
may be a subtle 'Attraction-rejection' game that invites the other person to chase after you.

If done in time to music, especially if it bounces the upper body, it can be an invitation to dance
(females sometimes deliberately do this to make their breasts bounce and so entice a male).

Sitting
A crossed leg may bounce up and down. This can be a sign of impatience (particularly if rapid) or
attraction, as with standing movement. It may also be rather obvious pointing. When sitting, a
knee waving sideways can also indicate impatience or point sideways.

The leg may also swing in time to music, indicating that the person is relaxed and enjoying the
vibe (and perhaps inviting others to join in).

Striking
Legs can also be weapons, as all martial artists know. Legs are longer than arms and have much
bigger muscles. This can make a kick very powerful.

The legs can hit with thigh or knee (such as in the groin strike), the shin (a nice hard bone) or the
top, ball or side of the foot.

Actual striking is rare, but moving as if to kick someone can come from a desire to actually do so.
A slight twitch in the right direction can thus signal aggression and cause embarrassment.
Swinging the leg may simulate kicking.

Touching
Standing
When standing, not much of the leg can be touched. The bottom or thighs may be stroked
seductively. They may also be slapped. A single slap can say 'Right, let's go' and signal that the
person is about to make a suggestion. A slapped side of leg may also indicate irritation, saying
'Dang! What a nuisance!'

Sitting
When sitting, more of the leg may be reached, particularly in the figure-four cross-leg position,
and in a more visible manner. Seductive stroking can thus be a strong sexual invitation.

Preening may also be used, brushing real or imagined bits of fluff off crossed legs.

The leg may also be tapped, perhaps in time to music and perhaps impatiently.

Moving forward
 Techniques > Use of body language > Core patterns > Moving forward
Pattern | Found in | Discussion | See also

Pattern
When a person moves forward, even slightly, they are sending signals.
• Reaching forward with arms and hands, giving, grabbing or striking.
• Pushing the head forward.
• Thrusting the hips suggestively forward.
• Leaning forward.
• Stepping forward.
Found in
• Arm body language
• Hand body language
• Head body language
• Hips body language
Discussion
Moving forward can be an act of aggression and so signal anger, especially if it is done quickly
and in concert with other aggressive signals such as an angry expression on the face. As such it
is an invitation for the other person either to move away or to fight.
We all have defined personal spaces and moving forward may transition between social and
intimate space, signalling a desire to be closer to the other person. Other signals will indicate the
actual intent (there are many romantic signals, for example).

Arm body language

Techniques > Use of body language > Parts-of-the-body language > Arm body language
Expanding | Shaping | Raising | Weapon | Crossing | Reaching forward | Pulling back | See also

The arm is an interesting appendages with a ball at the top, a hinge in the middle, and with a rather
complex toolset at the end.
Watch also for arms held still -- this is often the first place the deceiver starts when trying to control body
language (they may even hold one arm with the other to keep them both still).
Expanding
Arms are clever expanding devices that can make us bigger or smaller, reaching out without having to
move the rest of our body.
They can extend towards the other person, either in threat or a more friendly way. Moved directly and
quickly they threaten. Curved and moving more slowly they may offer comfort.
The can also extend laterally, sometimes as a part of a body-expanding 'I am big' display that can signify
confidence or perhaps aggression.
Shaping
Arms are used as a part of shaping as we wave them around and carve out the world. They are an adjunct
to our words as we literally show other people how big the fish was or how small the child is.
When we are excited or confident, we may wave our arms about like windmills. When we are less
confident, our shaping is smaller and closer to the body.
This waving of arms needs control and a person who bangs their hand on something may indicate
clumsiness.
Raising
Raising the arms lifts something up. Done rapidly, it throws things into the air. With both arms, it
exaggerates it further. A typical two-arm-raising gesture is frustration, as everything that is
weighing the person down with confusion is thrown up into the air. Coupled with a shrug it
indicates confusion ('I don't know!!').
Weapon
Arms can be like weapons. They can symbolize clubs and spears as they strike out at imaginary foes.
They can also be defensive, blocking and sweeping away attacks. In martial arts arms can be
used to block and strike and this is reflected in how they may be used in communication.
Crossing
Arms can act as the doorway to the body and the self. When they are crossed, they form a closed
defensive shield, blocking out the outside world. Shields act in two ways: one is to block incoming
attacks and the other is a place behind which the person can hide and perhaps not be noticed.
Crossed arms thus indicate anxiety which is either driven by a lack of trust in the other person or an
internal discomfort and sense of vulnerability (that may, for example, be rooted in childhood
trauma).
The extent of crossing indicates how firmly closed the person is. This may range from a light cross to arms
folded to arms wrapped around the person. An extreme version which may indicate additional
hostility is a tight close with hands formed as fists. If legs are crossed also then this adds to the
signal.
The hands in an arm-cross may also be used to hold the person in a reassuring self-hug, for example
holding upper arms in a folded-arms position or wrapped around the torso, holding the sides. If
the thumbs are up, this may indicate some approval or agreement with what is being said.
When arms are not crossed, they expose the torso and the person, making them more vulnerable. This
signifies comfort that often indicates trust. It can also be power position that dares the other
person to attack whilst knowing that the other person dare not.
Crossed arms is a very obvious signal and if you do it in front of other people they will likely feel rejected
and respond accordingly (including not agreeing with you).
Note that not all crossed arms are defensive. Sometimes folded arms, for example, are just a relaxed
position. Crossed arms are also used when the person is cold (this is typically done with hands
tucked under armpits to keep them warm).
A common method sales people use to break a crossed-arms closed position is to give the person
something to hold or otherwise ask them to use their hands.
Reaching forward
Reaching forward to the other person can be quite scary for them as you could attack them, and a sudden
thrust forward can indeed be an aggressive signal, especially if the hand is pointing or shaped as
a fist.
Reaching forward can also be an offer of support or affection, seeking to touch and join with the other
person.
Pulling back
When arms are thrust forward, they are the first thing that may be grabbed or attacked. When a person
feels defensive they may pull back their arms out of harm's way.

Romantic body language

Techniques > Using body language > Romantic body language

From afar | Up close | See also

A significant cluster of body movements has to do with romance, signaling to a person of the
opposite sex that you are interested in partnering with them.

From afar
From afar, the first task of body language is to signal interest (and then to watch for reciprocal
body language).

Eyes
The eyes do much signaling. Initially and from a distance, a person may look at you for slightly
longer than normal, then look away, then look back up at you, again for a longer period.
Preening
There are many preening gestures. What you are basically saying with this is 'I am making myself
look good for you'. This includes tossing of the head, brushing hair with hand, polishing
spectacles and brushing clothes.

Enacting
Remote romantic language may also include enactment of sexually stimulating activities, for
example caressing oneself, for example stroking arms, leg or face. This may either say 'I would
like to stroke you like this' or 'I would like you to stroke me like this'.

Similarly, the person (women in particular) may lick and purse their lips into a kiss shape and
leave their mouth slightly open in imitation of sexual readiness.

Objects held may be also used in enactment displays, including cigarettes and wine glasses, for
example rolling and stroking them.

Displaying
Attractive parts of the body may be exposed, thrust forward, wiggled or otherwise highlighted. For
women this includes breasts, neck, bottom and legs. For men it includes a muscular torso, arms
or legs, and particularly the crotch (note that women seldom do this).

Faking often happens. Pressing together muscles gives the impression of higher muscle tone.
Pressing together and lifting breasts (sometimes helped with an appropriate brassiere) makes
them look firmer and larger. Holding out shoulders and arms makes the body look bigger. Holding
in the abdomen gives the impression of a firm tummy.

This is often playing to primitive needs. Women show that they are healthy and that they are able
to bear and feed the man's child. The man shows he is virile, strong and able to protect the
woman and her child.

Leaning
Leaning your body towards another person says 'I would like to be closer to you'. It also tests to
see whether they lean towards you or away from you. It can start with the head with a simple tilt
or may use the entire torso. This may be coupled with listening intently to what they say, again
showing particular interest in them.

Pointing
A person who is interested in you may subtly point at you with a foot, knee, arm or head. It is
effectively a signal that says 'I would like to go in this direction'.

Other displays
Other forms of more distant display that are intended to attract include:

Sensual or dramatic dancing (too dramatic, and it can have the opposite effect).
Crotch display, where (particularly male) legs are held apart to show off genitalia.
Faked interest in others, to invoke envy or hurry a closer engagement.
Nodding gently, as if to say 'Yes, I do like you.'
Up close
When you are close to the other person, the body language progressively gets more intimate until
one person signals 'enough'.

Close in and personal

In moving closer to the other person, you move from social space into their personal body space,
showing how you would like to get even closer to them, perhaps holding them and more...
Standing square-on to them also blocks anyone else from joining the conversation and signals to
others to stay away.

Copying
Imitating the person in some way shows 'I am like you'. This can range from a similar body
position to using the same gestures and language.

Lovers' gaze
When you are standing close to them, you will holding each other's gaze for longer and longer
periods before looking away. You many also use what are called 'doe eyes' or 'bedroom eyes',
which are often slightly moist and with the head inclined slightly down.

Where the eyes go is important. Looking at lips means 'I want to kiss'. Looking at other parts of
the body may mean 'I want to touch'.

A very subtle signal that few realize is that the eyes will dilate such that the dark pupils get much
bigger (this is one reason why dark-eyed people can seem attractive).

Touching
Touching signals even closer intimacy. It may start with 'accidental' brushing, followed by
touching of 'safe' parts of the body such as arms or back.

Caressing is gentle stroking that may start in the safer regions and then stray (especially when
alone) to sexual regions.

'Attraction-rejection' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Attraction-rejection' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Attention

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
B is attracted to A

B advances towards A.

A moves away from B.

B stops pursuing A.

A is attracted to B.

A advances towards B.

B moves away from A.

A stops pursuing B.
The pattern then repeats ad infinitum.

Discussion
This is the classic romantic pursuit game, and can happen at very subtle ways, for example:

Girl fancies boy and makes eye contact.

Boy is attracted and continues eye contact (pursuit).
Girl looks away (rejection)
Boy looks away (retreat)
Girl looks at boy and holds eye contact for longer (pursuit)
Girl looks away again (rejection)
Boy goes over to girl to say hello (pursuit)
Girl plays hard-to-get (rejection)
...etc.
Rejection works because of the Scarcity principle, where we desire what we cannot have.

This game, played well, is like fishing. Try to reach completion too soon and the fish slips away.
This happens, for example, when a boy gets too enthusiastic and doesn't stop chasing the girl.
The girl feel overwhelmed and sends 'end of game' signals (which may have to be quite blunt).

This game of attraction-then-rejection can be played on many persuasive stages, including sales
and negotiation, where both sides dance around each other, making and rejecting advances and
offers.

So what?
See the dance of attraction and rejection in your persuasion. Avoid chasing too hard. Also avoid
running too fast away from the other person - it is often useful go a little way and pause to see if
they are following!
Book review: The Two Step

Book reviews > The Two Step

This is a very different kind of book, yet one that richly deserves to be included in this set of
reviews.

The basic premise is that in seeking intimacy (the book is subtitled 'The dance towards intimacy'),
people play a two-handed and alternating chance game of 'Seeker and Sought'.

Done entirely as a set of almost 150 pages of cartoons, it describes the dance in an amusing and
yet highly educative way.

Seeker and Sought

Both Seeker and Sought gain from the game. The Seeker has hope of achieving their goal of
catching. The Sought enjoys the identity boost that the Seeker's attention gives them. Both enjoy
the thrill of the chase, where the Seeker fears failure and rejection whilst the Sought fears being
caught (at least too soon) and perhaps being rejected after consummation.

Power struggles
The result is a power struggle that plays out as a dance, where different forms attention, chase,
rejection, conquest and submission are used to control one another's movements, where each at
times seems more powerful than the other.
Territorial Games may form a part of this struggle, with the distance between the players as a
critical measure.

Balance
As with most games, both enjoy the game so much, completion can result in the relationship
deteriorating, such as when a long courtship ends in a disastrous relationship. Throughout the
game, an equitable balance needs to be maintained with appropriate reciprocity so that both can
travel hopefully. If either gives or tries to take too much, then the other will give up and game fails.

To make this balance work, each learns the rules and the game can fall into habits that either
sustain it for a long time or cause boredom and frustration that leads to its demise.

A way of maintaining the balance is for the players to switch roles. As the Seeker gives up, the
Sought detects this and chases them, thus maintaining the game.

Intimacy
The ultimate goal is to gradually reduce the gap so intimacy can occur and both can enjoy
consummation of the relationship. Power is given up to gain closeness. But even this is not
stasis, and before long the dance returns.

Although targeted primarily at explaining sexual intimacy (and seduction, although it does not
exactly say this), the book is also a brilliant and detailed exposition of general chase games, such
as 'Catch me if you can' game.

'Catch me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Catch me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Escape

Secondary: Sympathy

Game play
B is trying to catch A, for example because A owes B something, from money to answering a
simple question or just giving attention.

B tries every trick in the book to collect, from wheedling to name-and-shame to lawyers.

A uses every trick in the other book, from hiding to bold promises to pleas of poverty.

B corners A and plays 'Now I've got you', but A gets away to continue the game.

Discussion
Both enjoy the thrill of the chase. They also can then tell bar-room stories, such as 'Poor me' or
'Clever me', gaining appropriate sympathy. 'Poor me' is particularly useful for rich people who feel
isolated or guilty about their wealth.
This game is played by many groups, from landlords and tenants to attention-seeking children
and their busy parents. Children practice this in playground chase and hiding games. So do
courting lovers.

So what?
As a chaser, plan your approach then stick to it - beware of being led on a merry dance. As the
chased, draw chasers into the game. Give the satisfaction of having something to complain
about, such that they gain pleasure from the game.

See also
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine
Books

Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books

Stop me if you can

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > Stop me if you can

Purpose | Game play | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Escape, excuse

Secondary: Attention

Game play
A has a problem, from alcoholism or other addiction to anti-social behavior.

B is persecutor who berates A, and also gives A an excuse to continue - e.g. as an escape or as
reactive revenge. A's habit may also give excuse for A's bad behavior, such as beating up B (who
can then play 'Poor me').

C is rescuer who tries to cure A (and can play 'I'm only trying to help'). A goes along with C for a
while, getting attention and sympathy, but is actually playing 'See if you can stop me'. A can
repeat the game by offering remorse and playing 'This time it's real'.

D is the bartender or drug pusher who actively helps A and profits from A's behavior, and can
play conspiratorial games such as 'Go on, have another, nobody will know'.
You may also get E, a friendly figure, who reassures A and hence legitimizes the behavior.

Legitimization and perpetuation also happens through well-meaning organizations such as

Alcoholics Anonymous, where the addict gets to tell their story over and over, and receive
attention and sympathy as a reward.

When A's get together they indulge in pastimes such as boasting about what/how much they
have consumed and how terrible their hangover/withdrawal is.

B's and C's can also play games together, such as 'Ain't it awful'.

So what?
Refuse to play rescue games. Do not offer sympathy. Prevent them from getting legitimization
elsewhere. Expose the game. Give them information to let them decide when they are ready.
See also
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine
Books

Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books

'Poor me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Poor me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Sympathy, Displacement

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
A gets into a situation where they feel hard done by, where the world in general or someone in
particular is unfair to them.

A tells the story to B, lamenting how unlucky they are, how unfair things are.

B offers sympathy and concern.

B also now has gained some social capital from this and can ask for something in return.

Discussion
A's source of pain can include other games such as 'Stop me if you can' where A is the real
cause of the situation, or variants of the Blame game.

This is an archetypal victim game, although victimhood is at the heart of many other games.
People who play victim in various situations often get their reward later on in poor me sessions
where an accomplice offers them sympathy. Victims also get the benefit of absolving themselves
from responsibility. Nothing is felt to be really their fault (although they may berate themselves).
They are victims of circumstance and other people. They enjoy the anticipation of hope of rescue
in the manner of the helpless child.

If there is nobody else, then an alternative is to play the second person themselves. This lack of
support, of course, just gives another reason to feel 'poor me'.

A common response from B that balances out the social capital is to also do a 'Poor me'. The
game can then become a to-and-fro discussion of how terrible and downtrodden they are.

Note that there is a big difference between the victim in a game and a 'real-life' victim. The game
victim enters into the state voluntarily (albeit often subconsciously) and gains some comfort from
this state, as described above. The real victim is the person mugged on the streets or an orphan
in a war-torn country, who has no choice: they are made a victim by circumstance or the actions
of others.

So what?
If you are happy to be the shoulder to cry on for other people, then you can gain social capital
and ask for something in return.

Also, watch out for becoming the person about whom A is complaining.

'Poor me' game

Explanations > Behaviors > Games > 'Poor me' game

Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?

Purpose
Primary: Sympathy, Displacement

Secondary: Social capital

Game play
A gets into a situation where they feel hard done by, where the world in general or someone in
particular is unfair to them.

A tells the story to B, lamenting how unlucky they are, how unfair things are.

B offers sympathy and concern.

B also now has gained some social capital from this and can ask for something in return.

Discussion
A's source of pain can include other games such as 'Stop me if you can' where A is the real
cause of the situation, or variants of the Blame game.

This is an archetypal victim game, although victimhood is at the heart of many other games.
People who play victim in various situations often get their reward later on in poor me sessions
where an accomplice offers them sympathy. Victims also get the benefit of absolving themselves
from responsibility. Nothing is felt to be really their fault (although they may berate themselves).
They are victims of circumstance and other people. They enjoy the anticipation of hope of rescue
in the manner of the helpless child.

If there is nobody else, then an alternative is to play the second person themselves. This lack of
support, of course, just gives another reason to feel 'poor me'.

A common response from B that balances out the social capital is to also do a 'Poor me'. The
game can then become a to-and-fro discussion of how terrible and downtrodden they are.

Note that there is a big difference between the victim in a game and a 'real-life' victim. The game
victim enters into the state voluntarily (albeit often subconsciously) and gains some comfort from
this state, as described above. The real victim is the person mugged on the streets or an orphan
in a war-torn country, who has no choice: they are made a victim by circumstance or the actions
of others.

So what?
If you are happy to be the shoulder to cry on for other people, then you can gain social capital
and ask for something in return.
Also, watch out for becoming the person about whom A is complaining.
Credentials

Disciplines > Negotiation > Negotiation tactics > Credentials

Description | Example | Discussion | See also

Description
Show how you are qualified to say the things you will say.

Put your qualifications on your business card.

Talk about your experience. Show how you have practiced what you preach.

Name-drop. Show how you are friends with the rich, famous and influential.

If appropriate, compare their credentials with yours.

Example
When I was talking with the CEO the other day, he though my ideas for new products were, as
usual, quite outstanding.

You know, I've been doing projects like this for twenty years, and I've always found that building
the plan with all stakeholders an essential activity.

I have a Ph.D. in the subject. What about you?

Discussion
In negotiation you are often selling yourself as well as the idea that you want to get across to the
other person. If they believe in you, then they are more likely to believe in your ideas.

When we know that another person is well-qualified in one area, we may assume that they are
generally intelligent and able to pronounce on things in completely unrelated areas. Thus, for
example, a doctorate in anthropology will be seen first as a doctorate. The letters 'Ph.D.' after
your name will often impress others and prevent them from questioning what you assert.

Demonstrating how you are qualified or experienced lets the other person know that what you say
is true. In a collaborative situation, this will build the relationship and create confidence. In a
competitive situation, it effectively says 'I know more than you. What I say is true and what you
say is false.'

Using humor

Techniques > Using humor

Humor is a surprisingly useful and subtle way of persuading, and can be used in all kinds of
situations. Here are a few notes about using humor:
Benefits of using humor: Have fun whilst building communication and more.
Becoming a child: Have fun whilst building your leadership status.
Laughter: Open expression of humor.
Politically-incorrect humor: Non-PC humor is mostly not a good idea. Mostly.
The bottom line of humor is to be always genuine and to have fun! Forced humor sounds forced,
and even though a false smile is difficult, a forced laugh always sounds particularly hollow.

Freud saw humor as based in the rush of pleasure comes from sudden release of tension.
Tension is released when because repressed impulses suddenly allowed expression when the
punch-line evades the internal censor (or anti-cathexis) via the element of surprise. The
preponderance of sexual humor also supports a Freudian view.

See also