SCHRDINGER'SCATTRILOGY

Copyright1979byRobertAntonWilson
ebookver.1.0

"THEMAN'SEITHERAGENIUSORJESUS."

Sounds

"Themostreasonable,intelligent,sophisticatedandsubtleanalysisoftheworld's
madnesseverseeninprint."

Playboy

"Themostscientificofallsciencenovels."

NewScientist

"Theman'sglitteringintelligencewon'tletyourest.Firstheshocks,thenenlightensthe
readers.Oneisneverthesameafterreadinghim.WitheachnewbookIwelcomehis
wisdom,lacedwithhisspecialbrandofcrazyhumor."

AlanHarrington

"Speaksforthattinybutindispensableminoritywhoarechangingourworldbychanging
thewaywethinkaboutit."

RobertShea,coauthorofTheIlluminatus!Trilogy

TheUniverseNextDoor

TheTrickTopHat

TheHomingPigeons

totherealMissPortinari

Prefacetothe1988edition

ThereisaGlossaryatthebackofthisbookwhichexplainsmanyoftheconceptsof
quantummechanicsemployedinthetext.Thereadermayfindthishelpful,anditmay
beconsultedatanypointwhenelucidationseemsneeded.

Thestoryhereinissetinavarietyofparalleluniversesinwhichmostofthepoliticians
arethievesandmostofthetheologiansaremaniacs.Theseuniverseshavenothingin
commonwithourownworld,ofcourse.

Ofcourse.

BOOKONE

TheUniverseNextDoor

Notuntilthemalebecomefemaleandthefemalebecomesmaleshallyeenterthe
KingdomofHeaven.
Jesus,in
TheGospelofThomas

PARTONE

PURITYOFESSENCE

FortheCherubCatisatermintheAngelTiger
christophersmart,JubilateAgno

DON'TLOOKBACK

Historyisanightmarefromwhichnoneofuscanawaken.
stephenprometheusincarljung'sOdysseus

ThemajorityofTerransweresixlegged.Theyhadterritorialsquabblesandpoliticsand
warsandacastesystem.Theyalsohadsufficientintelligencetosurviveonthatbarren
boondocksplanetforseveralbillionsofyears.

WearenotconcernedherewiththemajorityofTerrans.Weareconcernedwithatiny
minoritythedomesticatedprimateswhobuiltcitiesandwrotesymphoniesandinvented
thingsliketictactoeandintegralcalculus.Atthetimeofourstory,theseprimates
regardedthemselvesastheTerrans.Thesixleggedmajorityandotherlifeformson
thatplanethardlyenteredintotheirthinkingatall,mostofthetime.

ThedomesticatedprimatesofTerrareferredtothesixleggedmajoritybyaninsulting
name.Theycalledthem"bugs."

TherewasonespeciesonTerrathatlivedinveryclosesymbiosiswiththedomesticated
primates.Thiswasavarietyofdomesticatedcaninescalleddogs.

Thedogshadlearnedtoachievearoughsimulationofguiltandremorseandworryand
otherdomesticatedprimatecharacteristics.

Thedomesticatedprimateshadlearnedhowtoachievesimulationsofloyaltyand
dignityandcheerfulnessandothercaninecharacteristics.

Theprimatesclaimedthattheylovedthedogsasmuchasthedogslovedthem.Still,
theprimateskeptthebestfoodforthemselves.Thedogsnoticedthis,youcanbesure,
buttheylovedtheprimatessomuchthattheyforgavethem.

Onedogbecamefamous.Actuallyheandshewasagroupofdogs,buttheybecame
renownedcollectivelyasPavlov'sDog.

ThethingaboutPavlov'sDogisthatheorsheortheyrespondedmechanicallyto
mechanicallyadministeredstimuli.Pavlov'sDogcausedsomeofthedomesticated
primates,especiallythescientists,tothinkthatalldogbehaviorwasequallymechanical.
Thismadethemwonderaboutothermammals,includingthemselves.

Mostprimatesignoredthisphilosophicalchallenge.Theywentabouttheirbusiness
assumingthattheywerenotmechanical.

Thefactthatplutoniumwasmissingoriginallyleakedtothepressinthemid1970s.At
firsttherewasaminorwaveofpanicamongthosegiventoworryingaboutsuch
matters,andtherewasevensomechurlishgrumblingaboutagovernmentso
incompetentthatitcouldn'tkeeptrackofitsownweaponsofmegadeath.

Butthenayearpassed,andanother,andsoonfiveyearshadpassed,andthennearlya
decade;andthemissingplutoniumwasstillmissingbutnothingreallydrastichad
happened.

Terranprimates,beingasimpleminded,sleepfulrace,simplystoppedworryingabout
thesubject.Thetriggeringmechanismofthemostdestructiveweaponeverdevisedon
thatbackwardplanetwasinunknownhands,true;butthatwasreallynotmuchmore
unsettlingtocontemplatethanthefactthatmanyoftheknownhandswhichhadenjoyed
accesstoplutoniumbelongedtopersonswhowerenotinallrespectsreasonablemen.
(SeeTerranArchives:Reagan,RonaldWilson,careerof.)

Theprimatephilosophyofthatepochwassummedupbyoneoftheirpopularheroes,
Mr.SatchelPaige,intheaphorism,"Don'tlookbacksomethingmightbegainingon
you."Itwasacomfortablephilosophyforsleeplovingpeople.

TheuseofatomicweaponswaswidelyblamedonaprimatenamedAlbertEinstein.
EvenEinsteinhimselfhadagreedwiththisopinion.Hewasapacifistandhadsuffered
abominablepangsofconscienceoverwhathadbeendonewithhisscientific
discoveries.

"Ishouldhavebeenaplumber,"Einsteinsaidjustbeforehedied.

Actuallythediscoveryofatomicenergywastheresultoftheworkofeveryscientist,
craftsman,engineer,technician,philosopher,andgadgeteerwhohadeverlivedon
Terra.Theuseofatomicenergyasaweaponwastheresultofallthepoliticaldecisions
evermade,fromthetimethevertebratesfirststartedcompetingforterritory.

MostTerranprimatesdidnotunderstandthemultiplexnatureofcausality.Theytended
tothinkeverythinghadasinglecause.Thissimplephilosophicerrorwassowidespread
onthatplanetthattheprimateswereallinthehabitofgivingthemselves,andother
primates,morecreditthanwasdeservedwhenthingswentwell.Thismadethemall
inordinatelyconceited.

Theyalsogavethemselves,andoneanother,moreblamethanwasdeservedwhen
thingswentbadly.Thisgavethemalljumbosizedguiltcomplexes.

Itisusuallythatwayonprimitiveplanets,beforequantumcausalityisunderstood.

QuantumcausalitywasnotunderstoodonTerrauntilphysicistssolvedthe
Schrdinger'sCatriddle.

Schrdinger'sCatneverbecameasfamousamongtheprimatemassesasPavlov's
Dog,butthatwasbecausethecatwashardertounderstandthanthedog.
Pavlov'sDogcouldbeunderstoodinsimplemechanicalmetaphors.Tounderstand
Schrdinger'sCatyouneededtofirstunderstandtheequationsofquantumprobability
waves.Onlyafewprimatesweresmartenoughtoreadtheequations,andeventhey
couldn'tunderstandthem.

Thatwasbecausetheequationsseemedtosaythatthecatwasdeadandaliveatthe
sametime.

EverycharacterinthisbooklookslikePavlov'sDogfromacertainangle.Ifyoulookat
himorheradifferentway,however,you'llseeSchrdinger'sCat.

Asearlyas1976,agroupofChicagoparanoidsknownastheNihilistAnarchistHorde
(NAH)printedupasinglepagebroadsideonhowtomanufactureanatomicweapon.
Theysentthis,inenvelopeswithnoreturnaddress,toallthemosthostileand
embitteredindividualsandgroupsintheUnitedStates.NAHregardedthismailingas
bothajokeandawarning,andrefusedtofacethefactthatitwasalsoanincitement.

NAHhadalreadyputoutbumperstickerssayingthingslike:

REGISTERCAPITALISTS,NOTGUNS

and:

HONKIFYOU'REARMED

and:

EATTHERICH

Andtheyevenhadarubberstampwhichtheyusedtodecoratesubwayadvertisements
withtheNihilisticmessage:ARMTHEUNEMPLOYED:RIOTINTHELOOPONNEW
YEAR'SEVE.

Buttheyreallyoutdidthemselveswiththebuildyourownatomicweaponsheet,which
wastitled"Hobbysheet#4"andlookedlikethis:
HOBBYSHEET#4inaseriesof30.Collect'emall!

ASIMPLEATOMICBOMBFOR

THEHOMECRAFTSMAN

ThereisnothingcomplexaboutanAtomic(orFission)Bomb.Ifenoughfissionmaterial
(Uranium235orPlutonium237)isbroughttogethertoformacriticalmass,itwill
explode.Thetrickistoputthepiecestogetherfastenoughtogetadecentblastbefore
thebombblowsitselfapart.Thiscanbedonequitesimplybymeansofordinary
explosiveasshownbelow.

ItwaslaterestimatedthattheNihilistAnarchistHorde,mostofwhomwerelivingon
Welfare,wereabletomailoutonly200,000oftheseoverthefouryearperiod(197680)
beforetheygrewboredwiththeproject.

Nonetheless,manyoftheequallyparanoidandhostilepersonswhoreceivedthis
mailinghadaccesstoXeroxmachinesandwereasdesperateasthemembersofNAH
itself.Itwaslaterdeterminedthatby1981therewereover10,000,000copiesof
"Hobbysheet#4"incirculation.EventuallyoneofthemreachedthePOEgroup,who
werereadyforanidealikethat.

Theplanetasawholecontinuedtodrowse.

ALTERNATIVETEXTS

Thatispreciselywhatcommonsenseisfor,tobejarredintouncommonsense.
erictemplebell,Mathematics:QueenoftheSciences

GALACTICARCHIVES:

Theoriginaltitleofthegreaterpartofwhatwehavecollectedinthisbookunderthetitle
Schrdinger'sCatwasTheUniverseNextDoor.Thebookofthatnamewasbegunasa
sequeltollluminatus!,butafterseveraleditorsinarowsufferedpsychoticbreakdowns
whilereadingit,publishersdefensivelyorderedthatanyms.withthattitle,fromRobert
AntonWilson,shouldbereturnedunopened.

"Peoplegenerallydonotwantanewformofprosefictiontoreplacethehackneyed
'novel,'"WilsonwroteinalettertohisfriendMalaclypsetheYounger."Thereneverhas
beenaseriousattemptsinceOdysseus."

Schrdinger'sCatFairCopy#2,accordingtoWilsonscholars,incorporateslaterand
stillmorebizarrematerial,thetextofwhichwasallegedlydictatedtoWilsonbyacanine
intelligence"vast,cool,andunsympathetic"fromthesystemoftheDogStar,Sirius.
Schrdinger'sCatFairCopy#3appearedmuchlater,in2031,undermysterious
circumstances.Someclaimed,atthetime,thatithadbeenreceivedbyatrance
mediumtowhomWilsonhad"broadcast"itafterhismelodramaticdeparturefromthis
worldin1993.Skepticshavealwaysinsistedthattheallegedmediumactuallyfounditin
anoldtamponboxinherattic.Alegendaboutthemanuscriptbeingrecoveredfromthe
MasonicAuditoriuminSanFrancisco,aftertheearthquakeof2005,andpassedaround
amongadeptsofcertainoccultgroups,isprobablymythical.

Variousalternativetexts,generallyconsideredforgeries,havecirculatedatintervalsand
manyWilsonscholarsdebateheatedlywhetherthisfinalms.is,infact,totallyorevenin
majorpartWilson'swork.Thattwoauthorsatleastarehererepresented,oftenatcross
purposeswitheachother,istheemergingacademicconsensusatthistime.

ThepresenteditionincorporatesallmaterialthatisundoubtedlyWilson's,togetherwith
matterofsuchaWilsonianandweirdcharacterthatthepresenteditorregardsitas
probablyWilson'swithinreasonabledoubt.

ItonlyremainstoaffirmthatSchrdinger'sCat,contrarytoappearances,isnotamere
"routine"or"shaggyshoggothstory."Despitehissinisterreputationandhiswellknown
eccentricities,Wilsonwasoneofthelastofthescientificshamansoftheprimitive,
terrestrialphaseofthecruel,magnificentUnistatEmpire.Thismaybehardto
understandwhenmanyEstablishmentscholarsstilldenythatanythinglikescientific
shamanismexistedinthetwentiethcentury,butitisneverthelesswelldocumentedthat
Wilson,Leary,Lilly,Crowley,Castaneda,andmanyotherspursuedrigorousstudiesin
scientificshamanicresearchevenunderthepersecutionofthe"neurologicalpolice"so
characteristicofthatbarbaricepoch.*SomehaveevenproposedthatSchrdinger'sCat
isactuallyamanualofshamanismintheformofanovel,butthatopinionis,almost
certainly,exaggerated.

*SeetheEditor's"ClandestineNeurotransmitterResearchUndertheHolyInquisition
andtheD.E.A.,"ArchivesofGeneralArchaeology,Vol.23,No.17.

ONEMONTHTOGO

Immaturehumoristsborrow;maturehumoristssteal.
marktwain

OnDecember1,1983,Benny"Eggs"Benedict,apopularcolumnistfortheNewYork*
NewsTimesPost,satdowntocomposehisdailyessay.Accordingtohisusual
procedure,hebreatheddeeply,relaxedeverymuscle,andgraduallyforcedall
verbalizationinhisbraintostop.Whenhehadreachedthevoid,hewaitedtoseewhat
wouldfloatuptofillthevacuum.Whatsurfacedwas:

Onemonthtogoto1984.

Bennylookedatthecalendar;whathappenednextwouldbeportrayedbyacartoonist
asalightbulbflashingonoverhishead.Hebeganpoundingthetypewriter,comparing
theactualsituationoftheworldwithOrwell'sfantasy.

*GalacticArchives:NewYorkwasanindependentcitystateinthenorthwestofUnistat.
Itwasnotedforitsmalodorousstockyards,itsvastmotionpictureindustry,andahuge
phallicmonumentdedicatedto"Washington,"afertilitygodwhoallegedlysleptinnearly
everypartoftheUnistat,usuallywithhumanwomen,bringingforthsuchsemidivine
progenyasthegiganticPaulBunyan,thepatrioticGeneralMotors,thetrickstergod
Nixon,andthebenignMickeyMouse,whobeganasatotemofthecityofDisneyland
andeventuallybecametheprincipaldivinityofallUnistat.
Hiscolumn,headed"OneMonthtoGo,"wasreadbynearly10,000,000people,the
NewsTimesPostbeingtheonlysurvivingdailypaperavailabletothe20,000,000
citizensofthesixboroughsofNewYorkCity.Ninemillionofthe10,000,000readers
werealittlebitparanoid,thisbeingthenaturalecologicalresultofcrowdingthatmany
primatesintosuchacongestedspace,andmostofthemagreedwiththemost
pessimisticportionsofBenedict'sestimationofOrwell'saccuracyasaprophet.

"Onemonthtogoto1984"becameacatchphrasetoconcludeoransweranybody's
complaintaboutanything."Onemonthtogoto1984"soonyouhearditeverywhere;it
reachedChicagobyDecember10,SanFranciscobyDecember14,wasevenquotedin
BadAss,Texas,onDecember16.

ByDecember23theLondonEconomistprintedaveryscholarlyarticleonworldhistory
from1949,whenOrwell'sbookwaspublished,tothepresent,enumeratingdozensof
parallelsbetweenOrwell'sfictionandtheplanet'snightmare.

InParisaprominentExistentialist,inaninterviewwithParisSoir,arguedthatliving
insideabook,evenabookbyanEnglishmasochistlikeOrwell,wasbetterthanlivingin
reality."Arthasmeaningbutrealityhasnone,"hesaidcheerfully.

ThesixleggedmajorityonTerrawereneverconsultedwhenthedomesticatedprimates
setaboutbuildingweaponsthatcoulddestroyalllifeformsonthatplanet.Thiswasnot
unusual.Thefish,thebirds,thereptiles,theflowers,thetrees,andeventheother
mammalsweren'tallowedtovoteonthisissue.Eventhewildprimatesweren'tinvolved
inthedecisiontoproducesuchweapons.Infact,themajorityofdomesticatedprimates
themselvesneverhadasayinthematter.

Ahandfulofalphamalesamongtheleadingpredatorbandsamongthedomesticated
primateshadmadethedecisionontheirown.Everybodyelseontheplanetincluding
thesixleggedmajority,whohadneverbeeninvolvedinprimatepoliticsjusthadtoface
theconsequences.

MostofthedomesticatedprimatesofTerradidnotknowtheywereprimates.They
thoughttheyweresomethingapartfromand"superior"totherestoftheplanet.
EvenBennyBenedict's"OneMonthtoGo"columnwasbasedonthatillusion.Benny
hadactuallyreadDarwinonce,incollegealongtimeago,andhadheardofsciences
likeethologyandecology,butthefactsofevolutionhadneverreallyregisteredonhim.
Heneverthoughtofhimselfasaprimate.Heneverrealizedhisfriendsandassociates
wereprimates.Aboveall,heneverunderstoodthatthealphamalesofUnistatwere
typicalleadersofprimatebands.Asaresultofthisinabilitytoseetheobvious,Benny
wasconstantlyalarmedandterrifiedbythebehaviorofhimself,hisfriendsand
associatesandespeciallythealphamalesofthepack.Sincehedidn'tknowitwas
ordinaryprimatebehavior,itseemedjustawfultohim.

Sinceagreatdealofprimatebehaviorwasconsideredjustawful,mostofthe
domesticatedprimatesspentmostoftheirtimetryingtoconcealwhattheyweredoing.

Someoftheprimatesgotcaughtbyotherprimates.Alloftheprimateslivedindreadof
gettingcaught.

Thosewhogotcaughtwerecallednogoodshits.

Thetermnogoodshitwasadeepexpressionofprimatepsychology.Forinstance,one
wildprimate(achimpanzee)taughtsignlanguagebytwodomesticatedprimates
(scientists)spontaneouslyputtogetherthesignsfor"shit"and"scientist"todescribea
scientistshedidn'tlike.Shewascallinghimshitscientist.Shealsoputtogetherthe
signsfor"shit"and"chimpanzee"foranotherchimpanzeeshedidn'tlike.Shewas
callinghimshitchimpanzee.

"Younogoodshit,"domesticateprimatesoftensaidtoeachother.

Thismetaphorwasdeepinprimatepsychologybecauseprimatesmarktheirterritories
withexcretions,andsometimestheythrewexcretionsateachotherwhendisputingover
territories.

Oneprimatewrotealongbookdescribinginvividdetailhowhispoliticalenemies
shouldbepunished.Heimaginedtheminanenormousholeintheground,withflames
andsmokeandriversofshit.ThisprimatewasnamedDanteAlighieri.

Anotherprimatewrotethateveryprimateinfantgoesthroughastageofbeingchiefly
concernedwithbiosurvival,i.e.food,i.e.Mommie'sTitty.HecalledthistheOralStage.
Hesaidtheinfantnextwentontoastageoflearningmammalianpolitics,i.e.
recognizingtheFather(alphamale)andhisAuthorityandterritorialdemands.Hecalled
this,withaninsightthatfewprimatesshared,theAnalStage.

ThisprimatewasnamedFreud.Hehadtakenhisownnervoussystemapartand
examinedhiscomponentcircuitsbyperiodicallyalteringitsstructurewithneuro
chemicals.

Amongtheanalinsultsexchangedbydomesticatedprimateswhenfightingfortheir
spacewere:"Upyourass,""Goshitinyourhat,""You'refullofshit,""Takeitandstickit
wherethemoondoesn'tshine,"andmanyothers.

OneofthemostadmiredalphamalesintheKingdomoftheFrankswasGeneral
Canbronne.GeneralCanbronnewonthisadulationfortheanswerheoncegavewhen
askedtosurrenderatWaterloo.

"Merde,"wastheanswerGeneralCanbronnegave.

Whenprimateswenttowarorgotviolentinotherways,theyalwayssaidtheywere
abouttoknocktheshitoutoftheenemy.

Theyalsospokeofdumpingoneachother.

TheprimateswhohadminedUnistatwithnuclearbombsintendedtodumpontheother
primatesrealhard.

BennyBenedict'sentirephilosophyoflifehadbeenshapedbyanobscenenovel,a
murder,andaBostonCreamPie.

ThenovelwascalledOdysseusandthemostshockingthingaboutit,asidefromthe
searingindecencyofitslanguage,wasthatithadbeenwrittenbyafamoustheologian,
Rev.CarlGustavJungofZurich,Switzerland.Nobodyhadknownwhattomakeofthe
bookwhenitwasfirstpublished,excepttofulminateagainstit.Thestory,infourteen
chapters,recountedfourteenhoursinaveryordinarydayassomestaggeringly
ordinarycharacterswanderedaboutZurichonextraordinarilyordinarybusiness.When
JungrevealedthatthefourteenchapterscorrespondedtothefourteenStationsofthe
Cross,conservativecriticsaddedblasphemytotheirchargesagainsthim.Latermuch
lateracademicexegetesadoptedOdysseusastheverymodelofamodernnoveland
wroteendlessstudiesprovingthatitwasanallegoryoneverythingfromtheevolutionof
consciousnesstotheriseandfallofcivilizations.

Bennycouldn'tunderstandmuchofwhattheseacademiccriticswrote,butheknewthat
Odysseuswas,tohim,theonlybookthatreallysucceededinmakingthedailyseem
profound.ThatwasenoughofanachievementtoconvincehimthatJungwasagenius.
Italsoencouragedhimtolookateverythingthathappenedasbeingmarvelousinone
wayoranother.IfJung'scharacters,orsomeofthem,happenedtodefecate,urinate,
masturbate,andfornicateduringthefourteenhours,thatwasnotbecausethe
theologianwastryingtowritepornography,butbecausethemiracleofdailylifecould
notbeshownwithoutallofitsdailydetails.Bennydidn'tgiveaflyingPhiladelphiafuck
aboutthenovel'sparallelswiththeOdysseyandtheStationsoftheCross,whichJung
admitted,ortheothercorrespondenceswithbodyorgans,colors,Tarotcards,IChing
hexagrams,andtheromantictriangleinKrazyKat,whichhisadmirersclaimedtohave
found.TheimportantthingaboutOdysseuswasthatitdemonstrated,almost
scientifically,thatnodaywasadullday.

Jung,whoregardedhimselfasabetterpsychologistthanthepsychologiststhiswasa
conceittypicaloftheologiansclaimedtohavefoundthreemorecircuitsinthenervous
systembeyondFreud'soralbiosurvivalcircuitandanalemotionalterritorialcircuit.Jung
saidthatOdysseusdemonstratedalsoasemantichominidcircuitwhichcreatedaveilof
wordsbetweendomesticatedprimatesandtheirexperience,therebydifferentiatingthem
fromthewildprimates.Healsoclaimedaspecificsociosexualcircuitcreatedbythe
processofdomestication.Andheaddedafifth,neurosomaticcircuittypicalofmysticism
andmusic,whichcausesprimatestofeelHighandspacedout.

ButBennydidn'tcareaboutallthat.Odysseus,inhismind,wassimplythebookthat
describedlifethewayitreallyis,withoutsentimentandemotions.

Themurderchangedallthat.ItshowedBennythateverydayisalsoaterribleday,for
somebody.

OnJuly23,1981,Benny'smother,awhitehairedoldladyofeightyfour,leftthe
BrooklynSeniorCitizen'sHomewhereshelivedtowalkoneblocktothesupermarket.
Onthewayshehadherpursesnatchedand,accordingtowitnesses,struggledwiththe
thief.ShewasstabbedseventeentimeswithaBoyScoutknife.WhenBennyarrivedat
thehospitalemergencyroom,shewasalreadydead,buthegotalookalonglookat
hercrimson,mutilatedbodybeforethedoctorondutyhustledhimoutintothehalland
shothimfulloftranquilizers.

Bennywascrippledpsychologicallyinawaythathecouldnotperfectlyunderstand.
Afterall,havingreachedthefifthdecadeofhislife,hewaswellacquaintedwithgrief:in
thepasttenyearshehadexperiencedthedeathsofhisfather,hisolderbrother,and
threeclosefriends.Butmurderisnotjustanotherformofgrief:itisametaphysical
messagelikeFateknockingonthedooratthebeginningofBeethoven'sFifth.Benny
foundthatthewholeworldhadturnedtoveryfragileglass.Everypolicesiren,every
newscast,everyangryvoiceonthestreetremindedhimthathebelongedtoa
dangerouslyviolentspecies.BennyBenedictrealizedthateachminute,somewherein
theworld,somebodywasbeingbashed,beaten,stabbed,shot,slashed,gassed,
poisoned,robbedoflife.

Hecouldnotbeartobealoneatnightanymore.

TheGrinningSadistbegantohaunthim.

ThishorrifyingimagehadbeenimprinteduponhisneuronsbyvariousmoviesandTV
melodramasofthesixtiesandseventies.TheGrinningSadistinvadedyourhome,
sometimesaloneandsometimeswithahordeofequallymoronicandviciouscohorts.
Youwereparticularlysusceptibleifyouwereblindorawomanorallaloneatnight,but
sometimesasinTheDangerousHourshewouldcomewithhisbrutalcrewinthebright
daytime.Hisbusinesswasneversimplyburglary,althoughthatwaspartofit;hisreal
interestwasinhumiliation,terror,degradation,tortureofthebodyandspirit.Andhe
alwaysgrinned.

Benny'sdoctorprescribedValium,5mg.beforebedtime.IthelpedBennysleep;but
whenhewasawake,everynoisestillsoundedliketheGrinningSadistfurtivelytrying
thedoor.

Bennyboughtapolicelock.EverynoisenowsoundedliketheGrinningSadisttryingto
forceawindow.

Then,onedaylookingthroughtheoldfilesinthenewspapermorgue,Bennyfoundan
interviewwithSenatorCharlesPercygivenin1970,twoyearsafterthemurderofhis
daughter."Forthefirstyearafterthemurder,"SenatorPercysaid,"mywholefamilylived
interror."

Bennyfeltasuddensenseofrelief.Thismustbenormal,hethought;ithappensto
everybodywho'shadamurderclosetothem.Anditlastsonlyayear....

ButasJuly23,1982,approached,Bennywasnotemergingfromtheterror;itwas
growingworse.Well,hehadbeenreadingupongriefandbereavement,andheknew
thefirstanniversaryisalwaysaterribletime.Hefoundtheknowledgehelpful;itgave
himasmallpurchaseondetachment.Also,withouthisdoctor'sconsultation,hehad
raisedhisValiumdosageatbedtimefrom5mg.to15mg.andsometimes25.

ThenonJuly23itselftheanniversaryofthemurdertheGrinningSadistappeared.

BennyhadbeeninvitedtogiveatalkatthePressClubon"LousewartandLowered
Expectations."Theluncheonwasexcellent,butBennyatelittle,knowingthatabelchin
themiddleofthespeechcoulddestroyallcommunicationforseveralminutesafter.
WhenFred"Figs"Newtonbegantointroducehim(..."NewYork'smostbeloveddaily
columnist...aninstitutionforoverthirtyyears..."),Bennyfelttheusualtwingesof
stagefright,beganrehearsingagainhisfirstthreejokes,gaveuponthatand
concentratedinsteadonhismantra(OmmanipadmehumOmmanipadmehum...)
andwasfinallyintheidealstateofmixedapprehensionandurgencyoutofwhichthe
mostrelaxedsoundingpublicspeechesalwayscome.

Astheapplausedieddown,herosetospeak.

AndhesawtheGrinningSadistcomingrightathim.

Hesawthederangedeyes,thecruelmouth,thedeliberatelyuglyclothing(likeavery
poorcowboyora1960scollegestudent),andtheknifeinthemaniac'shand.

Ommanipadmehum...
AndthenhegottheBostonCreamPierightintheface.

Ithadn'tbeenaknifeatall:hehadimaginedaknifewhenthepieplatewasturnedand
raisedasitwasthrown.

Bennystoodthere,veryconsciousthathewasoverweightandpastfifty,BostonCream
Piedrippingfromhisface,tryingtoremindhimselfthatheartpalpitationswerenota
symptomofheartattack,awaresuddenlythatthedailylifeofhumankindwasnotonly
marvelous,asJunghadtaughthim,andterrible,asthemurderhadtaughthim,but
totallyabsurdaswell,astheExistentialistsmighthavetaughthim.*

*GalacticArchives:PiethrowingwascommoninUnistatatthetimeofthisRomance.It
derived,ofcourse,fromtheterritorialfeceshurlingritualsofotherprimates.See
"ExpressionsofViolenceinWildandDomesticatedPrimates,"EncyclopediaofPrimate
Psychology,SiriusPress,2775.Domesticatedprimatesdefendideologicalterritories
(mentalconstructs)aswellasthephysicalturf.Piethrowerswereexpressing
mammalianterritorialrageinatraditionalprimatemannerbythrowingguckinthefaces
ofthosewhothreatenedtheirideological"space."

AUFGEHOBEN

2NEWPLANETSDISCOVERED
newsheadline,1983

TheonlyoneinNewYorkwhodidn'treactemotionallytoBennyBenedict's"OneMonth
toGo"columnwasJustinCase,anembittered,fortyishmanwhowrotebeautifully
meaninglessfilmcriticism.Casehadnotlikedthefilmof1984andneverreadbooks,
whichheregardedastoooldfashionedtobeworthyofseriousattention.

"BookswereinventedbyGutenberginthefifteenthcenturyandare,likeallother
inventionsfivecenturiesold,hopelesslyarchaic,"Caseoftensaid.
Healsolikedtocategorizebooksas"linear,""Aristotelian,"and,whenhewasespecially
rhetorical,"paleolithic";hejustifiedthislastadjectiveonthegroundsthatbooks
consistedofwords,anOldStoneAgeinvention.

CasehadaPh.D.fromYaleandaD.D.(DishonorableDischarge)fromtheU.S.Army.
Hehadearnedtheformerforathesison"MetaphorandMythintheFilmsoftheThree
Stooges"andthelatterfortryingtoorganizeamutinyduringtheVietnamWar.Hisfilm
criticismappearedinajournalcalledConfrontation.Hisessaysusuallybeganwiththe
samethreewordsashisPh.D.thesise.g.,"MetaphorandMythinHitchcock's39
Steps,""MetaphorandMythinBeachBlanketBingo"thatsortofthing.

TherewasnotmuchofanaudienceforsuchwritingandJustinbarelymadealiving.His
dreamwastobecomeaneditoratPussycatmagazine,wherethebigmoneywas.

TheFBIhadbeentappinghisphoneeversinceVietnamandhadreelsandreelsofhis
conversation,whichconcernedalmostnothingbutfilms.Nevertheless,theykept
listening,hopingsomethingincriminatingwouldslipeventually.AmanwithbothaPh.D.
andaD.D.wasobviouslyworthattention,evenifmostofwhathesaidwastotally
incomprehensibletothem.

SpecialAgentTobiasKnight,playingCase'stapesoneevening,actuallyheardalong
rapaboutCurlybeingtheidorfirstcircuit,Larrytheegoorsecondcircuit,andMoethe
superegoorJung'sfourthcircuit.ThingsgotevenmoreconfusingwhenCasewenton
totalkaboutthe"cinematiccontinuityintheSMdimensionbetweenMoeand
Polanski."ItgotevenweirderwhenCasesaid,"PolanskihimselfwenttoChinatown
threetimeswhenhisparentsweremurderedbytheNazis,whenhiswifewasmurdered
bytheMansonFamily,andwhenhegotconvictedofstatutoryrape.Weallgoto
Chinatown,onewayoranother,soonerorlater."Still,theBureaudidnotgiveup.Case
wassuretosaysomethingincriminating,oratleastintelligibletothem,soonerorlater.

TobiasKnighthadlistenedto42,000hoursof"private"conversationssincejoiningthe
FBI.Amongotherthings,thishadclearlyshownhimthatallthestandardprimatesexual
behaviorswereprevalentthroughoutUnistat.SinceKnight,likeBennyBenedictand
mostothertwoleggedTerrans,didnotknowhebelongedtoamammalspecies,this
primatebehaviorwasprofoundlyshockingtohim.HefeltmuchlikeaMethodistwho
runsadrugstoreinLittleRockanguishedthattheSinsofhisfellowswereexceeded
onlybytheirHypocrisy.ThismadehimCynical.

ThesameCynicismwaswidespreadintheBureau.Olderhandswhohadlistenedto
80,000oreven100,000hoursof"private"conversationswerebeyondCynicism.They
hadbecomeparanoidabouttheirfellowprimates.

TobiasKnighthimselfwouldbeclassifiedasanogoodshitbymostoftheprimatesif
theyknewwhathewasupto.Hewasthefirstpentupleagentinthehistoryof
espionagethatis,hehadconnectionswithfourotherIntelligenceAgenciesbesidesthe
FBIandwasdoublecrossingallofthem.

Healsohadawalrusmustacheandajovialeye.Hecouldhavebeenanexcellent
characteractorinmoviesorTV.Everybodylikedhimandtrustedhimonsight.

Thatwaswhyhewassosuccessfulinthecloakanddaggerbusiness.

JustinCasesuspectedthattheFBIwastappinghisphone.However,9,000,000outof
20,000,000primatesinNewYorkalsosuspectedtheFBIoftappingtheirphones.Case
justhappenedtobeoneofthe8,000,000whowerecorrectinthissuspicion.

Casewascertainlynotamutineerbytemperament;hisvisualcortexthemost
energizedpartofhimwasneurogeneticallyimprintedwithadry,detached,analytical,
almostpassive,temperament.Hisworldwasmadeupofformsinspace,editedinto
amusingmontagesbythepassingoftime;ifheeverreadbooks,hemighthavefound
thatEinstein'sRelativitywasthemathematicalanalogofhisownmind.

Evenpaintingsbarelywonhistolerance;onlyfilmandTV,basicallymontage,turned
himon.Hewasinclinedtofeelthatanythingwhichdidnotflicker,shimmer,andchange
rapidlywasprobablydeadandshouldbedecentlyandquicklyburied.

Inshort,hewasanelectronicTaoist.

TheVietnamWarhadbeenpunishinginvariouswaystoallUnistaters,butCase,
embroiledinthecenterofit,experienceditasverybadTV.Itwaslikethefilmhadstuck
andMoekeptjabbinghisfingerinCurly'seye,overandover,inaninfiniteregress,until
themythandmetaphorhadbothturnedmeaninglessthroughredundance.Ifthewar
wasn'tthat,itwassloppyeditingorjustplainbadtaste.Themutinywastheonly
equivalenthecouldfindtothesimpleactofturningthedialtoanotherchannel.

Hehadtriedtoexplainthistothelieutenantappointedtodefendhimatthecourt
martial,asly,catfacedyoungmannamedLionelEacher.LieutenantEacher,before
enteringtheservice,hadbeenanexpertatContractLaw,therulesbywhichthe
primatesdeterminedandmarkedtheirterritories.Remember:othermammalsdothisby
leavingexcretionswhichgeometricallydefinethesizeandshapeoftheclaimedturf,but
domesticatedprimatesdoitbyexcretinginkonpaper.Eacherwasalawyer,anexpert
atprovingeitherthattheinkexcretionsmeantwhattheysaid(ifhewerebeingpaidto
provethat)orthattheinkexcretionsdidn'texactlymeanwhattheysaid(ifhewerebeing
paidtoprovethat).

LionelEacherlistenedtoCase'sstorywithgrowingincredulity.Attheendofthe
narrativehefrownedverythoughtfullyandsaid,"Wouldyoujustrunthatbymeagain?"

SoCasehadexplained,thistimeinmoredetail,theaestheticsofproperutilizationof
sadomasochistmaterialinthetotalstructureofSignificantForm.

"Isee,"Eachersaidthoughtfully."Ithinkwe'vegotawinner."Herelaxedandlita
cigarette."TheusualdefenseisthatyouwerereadingtheBibleandsawawhitelight
andJesustoldyoutogiveupwar.Butthis,well,thisisbeautiful.Yousoundlikeareal
fruitcake.Imightevengetyouamedicaldischarge."

Caserealizedthathewastalkingtoabarbarian,butthatwasnormalinthemilitary.He
hadanintuitivesensethattwentyyearsinthejoint,whichwaswhattheJudgeAdjutant
General'sofficewasasking,wouldbeevenmoreredundant,intheSMdimension,than
thewaritself.Verywell:Ifamanofestheticsensibilityseemedlikeafruitcaketothese
primitives,sobeit.Hewantedtogohome.

Caseexplainedhispositiontothecourtmartialwithgreateloquence(partofwhathe
saidheevenusedlaterinacritiqueofTheRockyHorrorShow)andtheydid,indeed,
decidehewasafruitcake.TheygavehimaD.D.,buttwomembersoftheboard,he
learnedlater,hadarguedvigorouslyforamedical.
TheVietnamWar,likemostprimatesquabbles,wasaboutterritory.Chineseprimates,
Unistatprimates,theprimatesoftheBearTotemfromthesteppesandvariouslocal
SoutheastAsianprimatesweretryingtoexpandtheircollectivetotemegos(territories)
bytakingovertheturfinSoutheastAsia.Iftheyhadbeenwildprimates,theywould
haveallexcretedinthedisputedareaandmaybethrownexcretionsateachother;being
domesticatedprimates,theymadeinkexcretionsonpaperandthrewmetaland
chemicalsateachother.ItwasoneofaseriesofrumblesoverSoutheastAsiawhich
hadatonetimeoranotherinvolvedDutchprimates,Frenchprimates,primatesofthe
RisingSuntotem,andvariousotherpredatorbands.

SincetheUnistatprimates,likeotherdomesticatedhominids,didnotknowtheywere
primates,allthiswasexplainedbyaferociousamountofinkexcretionsinvokingMorality
andIdeology,thetwingodsofdomesticatedprimatedom.Basically,theprimateswho
wantedtoclaimSoutheastAsiasaiditwas"good"togoinshootingandgrabwhatever
wasgrabable;theprimateswhodidn'tgiveafuckaboutSoutheastAsiasaiditwas
"evil."

JustinCasewasnotverballyoriented;hethoughtinpictures,asagoodfilmcritic
should.Heneveraskedwhetherthewarwas"good"or"evil."Itwasunaesthetic.

ThepeoplewhohadminedUnistatwithnuclearbombshadnotregardedtheVietnam
Warasunaesthetic.Theythoughtitwasdownrightevil.

TheythoughtjustabouteverythingtheUnistatalphamalesincorporationsand
governmentsdidwasevil.

Theythoughtmostoftheirfellowprimateswerenogoodshits.

JustinCasehadbeenbornblissfullybyajoyousmotherschooledintheGrantlyDick
Readmethodofnaturalchildbirth.

BythetimeJustinwasthirtysixyearsold,in1983,theDickReadmethodwasas
obsoleteasthehorseandbuggy.ThingsweremovingfastonTerrainthatage.

Nonetheless,theDickReadnaturalchildbirthyogawasgoodforitstime,andCasehad
apermanentsecurityimprintontheoralbiosurvivalcircuitryofhisbrain.Thatwasone
reasonheneverworriedaboutethicalissues.

WhenJustinbegantocrawlaboutthehouseandthenroseuptowalkupanddowninit,
hisfather,aformeralphamalewithalargecorporationnowontheskidsduetobooze,
foundhimapestandanuisance.Fatherdisappearedrapidly,pursuedbylawsuitsand
childmaintenanceliens,whichharassedhimsomuchthathedrankevenmore,earned
less,andwasfirstchronicallyandthenpermanentlyincapableofpayingablessed
pennytoJustinandJustin'sMommy.

Justinwasnotgeneticallyprogrammedtobeanalphamale,butunderthe
circumstanceshelearnedtodoagoodimitationofone.

"Mommy'sGreatBigMan,"Mommycalledhim.

Theanalterritorial(oldprimate)sectionofJustin'sbraintookanimprintofPretend
Authority.

ThenJustindiscoveredthesemanticenvironment.HelearnedtoreadandwatchTV.
Thebooksseemedclumsyandsententiouscomparedtotheimmediacyofthetube.He
tookavisualelectronicimprintonthesemanticcircuit,likemostofhisgeneration.

Case'ssociosexualcircuitwasimprintedbyPlayboy,SexualRevolution,weed,Rock,
yippies,protest,theGenerationGap,Women'sLib,andGeneralConfusion.Hewasa
bachelorwhohadheterosexualcouplingsasoftenashefelttheneed,withthe
minimumpossiblehumaninvolvement.

Ifyou'reinterestedinsuperficialities,helookedlikeagayintellectualoracollege
professororalittlebitofboth.Healreadyhadabaldspot.Hedressedinconservative
goodtaste.Andeveryfouryearshewenttoapollingboothandcarefullyprintedwitha
heavyfelttippen,"NONEOFTHEABOVE."

ThiswashisoneflickerofSocialConsciousness.

CasehadoneWeirdExperienceinhiswholelife.Ithappenedin1973whenhewentto
seethefamousmentalist,psychic,escapeartist,andcomedianCagliostrotheGreat,at
anightclubcalledVonNeumann'sCatastrophe.
Cagliostrobeganhisactwithafewtraditionaltricksbeinglockedinoneboxandthen
reappearingoutofanotherattheoppositesideoftheroom,thatkindofroutine.This
wasfollowedbyoneofhisbitinglysarcasticmonologuesaboutthetrickstersinother
professions,suchastheclergyandthegovernment.ThiswasallasCasehadexpected
fromtheMostControversialMagicianinShowBizhistory.Thencamethepsychic
stunts,whichweresometimesfrighteninglyimpressive.

"B.W.,"Cagliostrocalledout."Willyoupleasestandup?"Casesawtheunbearable
bore,BlakeWilliams,standingataringsidetable.

"B.W.,"Cagliostrorepeated,"youwillneverfinishyourtwelvevolumestudyofquantum
psychology.Notever,inthisuniverse.Thetwitchesinyourlegfromthepoliocanbe
curedbyValerianRoottea.TheincidentattheVandivoortStreetincineratorisstill
hauntingyou.Yourinvestmentsareallwrongthere'snofutureinspaceindustry.Andas
forProjectPan,DoctorProjectPannaughty,naughty,naughty!"

CasecouldseethatWilliamshadturnedpale.

"J.C.,"Cagliostrocalledoutsuddenly,"don'tstand.Thisisprivate."JustinCase
squirmed,halfafraid,halfskeptical,totallyvulnerable."J.C.,"Cagliostrorepeated,"you
havecreatedthismoviethatyoucallreality.StayoutofChinatown....

"S.M.,"themagicianwenton,"S.M.,abouttheBeast,now...that'sinyourfuture...."

POE

QuoththeRaven,"Nevermore."
poe

InJuly1968,immediatelyaftertheDemocraticConvention,heldbehindbarbedwireto
preventthepeoplefrominterferingintheirownaffairs,aletterappearedinTheSeed,a
Chicagoradicalnewspaper.Thelettersaid:

BrothersandSisters:

Thefinalstruggleisuponus.ThebigracistimperialistforcesthatcontrolAmerikahave
takenofftheirfake"liberal"maskandshowntheirtruefascistnature.Lookattherecord:
theassassinationsofJohnandBobbyandMartinLutherKing.Theunendingwar
againstthepeopleofVietnam.Thebrutalitiesofthelocalpolice,rightontelevisionwith
thewholeworldwatching,duringtherecentDemokraticConvention.Isitnotobvious
thatthemultinationalcorporationsnolongerevencaretopretendthatdemocracystill
existsandarereadytokillustothelastmanandwomanifwecontinuetoresist?

WeatherUndergroundhaschosenthewrongpath,romanticallyallowingthemselvesto
beknownanddefyingtheauthoritiestocatchthem.

WeofPOEhaveorganizedquietly.Ournumbersarenotforpublication,norour
identities.Wewillnottake"credit"forouractions,unliketheWeatherromantics.Wewill
notrecruitnewmembers.Wewillsendnofurthercommuniquestothepress.Wewill
workandstudytostrikethemostcripplingblowspossibleagainstthefascistmonster.

Ifyouagreewithus,donotseektofindusandjoinus.Doaswehavedone.

PeaceOnEarth.

JohnBrown

SomereadersofTheSeedthoughtthiswasaputon.Othersclaimeditwastheworkof
anFBIagentprovocateur.AfewwonderedifPOEactuallyexisted,andwhatitwould
do.

Everybody,ofcourse,assumedthattheinitialsPOEstoodforthesloganinthelastline
oftheletter"PeaceOnEarth."Theywerewrong.POEstoodfor"purityofessence."The
grouphaddeliberatelytakenastheirmodelGeneralJackD.RipperinthefilmDr.
Strangelove,wholaunchesanuclearwartoprotect"thepurityofessenceofour
preciousbodilyfluids"againstfluorides.POEhonestlyfeltthatsanityhadfailedtosave
theworldandthatonlyinsanityremainedasaviablealternative.
Norweretheyaloneinthisattitude.ThesameyearPOEwasformed,theAmerican
peopleelectedRichardMilhousNixontotheWhiteHouse,guidedbyasimilargutlevel
feelingthatsomebodylikeJackD.Ripperwasneededtoconfrontthegrowingchaosof
theplanetwithsomestrongcounterchaos.*

TherealnameofthefounderofPOEwasnot"JohnBrown"ofcourse.Thatwasa
pseudonym.

TheoriginalJohnBrownhadbeenaferventIdealist,whichwaswhyPOEadmiredhim.
TheywereallferventIdealiststoo.

JohnBrown,motivatedbyIdealism,hadsetouttoabolishslaveryinUnistatinthe
nineteenthcentury.Ononeofhisfirstraidshemurderedawholefamilyofslaveowners.
Anassociate,whowaslessIdealistic,hadsuggestedsparingthechildren,butJohn
Brownrefused.

"Nitsgrowuptobelice,"hesaid.

Idealistswerelikethat.YouweremuchsaferfallingintothehandsoftheCynics.The
Cynicsregardedeverybodyasequallycorrupt.Thatwastheattitudeforinstance,of
TobiasKnightandtheotheroldhandsattheFBI.

TheIdealistsregardedeverybodyasequallycorrupt,exceptthemselves.

*GalacticArchives:AtthetimeofthisstorytheUnistatgovernmenthad1,700atomic
bombsforeveryman,woman,andchildontheplanet.Sinceapersoncandieonly
once,historianshavebeenatalosstoexplainwhattheUnistatersexpectedtodowith
thesurplus1,699bombsforeachhumanbeing.Galacticalprimatologistsinformusthat
similarirrationalbehaviorhasbeenobservedamongdomesticatedapesonseveral
thousandplanets.

ThesixleggedmajorityonTerrahadneverdevelopedIdealismorCynicism,norhad
theyeverthoughtofsinorcorruption.Theyhadasimple,pragmaticoutlook.People
couldberecognizedbecausetheyallhadsixlegs.Goodpeoplesmelledrightandwere
partofthesamehiveorcolony.Badpeoplesmelledwrongandwerenotpartofthe
hive;theyshouldbeeatenatonce,ordrivenoff.

Twoleggedandfourleggedcrittersweren'tpeopleatallandtohellwiththem.

ThefourleggedresidentsofTerrawere,forthemostpart,equallysimpleminded.
Peoplehadfourlegs.Sixleggedcritterswerefood,orelsetheywerenotworthnoticing.
Twoleggedcrittersweredangerous,andshouldbeavoided.

Onlythedogs,amongallthefourleggedTerrans,recognizedthetwoleggedprimates
asbeingpeople.

Someoftheprimatesalsorecognizedthedogsasbeingpeople.

Onetenthofonepercentofthedomesticatedprimatesrecognizedallthelifeformson
theirplanetaspeople.

Theonetenthofonepercentoftheprimateswhorecognizednonprimatesaspeople
wereinviolentdisagreementwitheachotherabouteverythingelse.Aboutonethirdof
themwereMysticsandsufferedfromPermanentBrainDamagebroughtonbyfasting,
yoga,orothermasochisticpractices.Theyhadattainedunderstandingofthe
Intelligenceofalllivingbeingsthroughanecstaticagonizingexperienceofegoloss
broughtonbytheirmasochisticexcesses.Theywentaroundtalkingaboutthisgenetic
Intelligenceandcallingit"God"andtellingeverybodyitwastoosmarttomakemistakes
andincidentallytalkingalotofnonsense,alsobroughtonbytheirexcesses.

Anotherthirdoftheprimateswhorecognizedconsciousnesswhereveritexistedwere
speciallytrainedscientists,infieldslikeethology,ecology,biophysics,andNeurologic.
Theyalltalkedinspecializedjargonsandhardlyanybodycouldunderstandthem.Most
ofthemcouldn'tevenunderstandoneanother.

Thelastthirdoftheprimateswhohadasenseofthegeneticprogrambehindevolution
werefolkwhohadeatensomestrangechemicalsorvegetables.Theywerelikethe
blindDenebianshellcatswhosuddenlyencounterwaterforthefirsttimebyfallinginto
anocean.Theyknewsomethingwashappeningtothem,buttheyweren'tsurewhatit
was.
POEtheoreticallyhadnoleader.ItwasananarchoMarxistcollective.

Therealleaderwas,ofcourse,analphamale.HisnamewasFranklinDelano
RooseveltStuart,andhewasoneofthesmartestmeninUnistatatthattime.
Unfortunately,hisreptilebiosurvivalcircuitwasimprintedwithchronicanxiety,his
mammalianemotionalterritorialcircuitwasimprintedwithdefensiveaggression,his
hominidsemanticcircuitwasimprintedwithanexplosiveblendofBlackstreetcynicism
andNewLeftideology,andhisdomesticatedsociosexualcircuitwasfromKinksville.

F.D.R.StuartclaimedthatthepurposeofPOEwastoacceleratethedialecticalprocess
ofevolutiontowardtheclasslesssocietywhereallwouldliveinpeace,prosperity,and
socialistsolidarity,andtherewouldbenocops.

TherealpurposeofStuart'sactivitieswastogeteven.TheotherprimatesinUnistathad
rapedhismotherandjailedhisfatheranddrivenhisbrothersandsistersintostreet
crimeandjunkandgenerallymaltreatedhimallhislife.Inadditiontheycalledhimbyan
insultingname,whichwasnigger.

SecondincommandinPOEwasSylviaGoldfarb,arefugeefromGodsLightning,
NOW,theRadicalLesbians,andWeatherUnderground.ShewasevensmarterthanF.
D.R.Stuart,butshedeferredtohim,despiteherfeministorientation,becausehewasa
truealphamalewhowasaMeanMotherfuckerWhenCrossedandhadevenmorerage
inhimthanshedid.

ToSylvia,thepurposeofPOE,shesaid,wastocreateaworldwhereallmenand
women,allracesandallclasses,allhumanity,livedinlovingharmonyandate
uncookedfruitsandvegetables.

Herrealmotivewasalsotogeteven.Theotherprimatesdiscriminatedagainstherfor
beingfemale,forbeingJewish,forbeinghighlyverbalandaTeacher'sPet,forwearing
glasses,forbeinganatheist,andforseveraldozenotherreasonsatleast.Theyalso
calledherbyaninsultingname,whichwasdyke.

ThethirdfoundingmemberwasMountbattenBabbit,whowasacyclicalschizophrenic.
Hewiggedoutonceayear,ontheaverage,andhadlearnedhowtomedicatehimself
withphenothyazinestokeepthoseperiodsofBizarresvilledowntoafewweekseach,
butduringthosedilationsofegohewaslikelytobeanybodyfromNapoleontoa
VietnameseBuddhist.Therestoftheyearhewasabrilliantresearchchemistand
computerexpert,butitwashardforhimtogetagoodjobbecauseofhisseveral
incarcerationsinmentalhospitals.

BabbitsaidhewasinPOEtocreatearationalworldguidedbysoundscientificand
libertariansocialistprinciples.Yeah,hewantedtogeteventoo.Theotherprimates
calledhimanutorafruitcake.

TheothermembersofPOEwereequallybrilliantandequallydesperate.

THEHIDDENVARIABLE

MarkoffChancywasaprimecandidateforPOEbut,duetoquantumwaveprobabilities,
hisorbitneverintersectedtheirs.

ChancydetestedthemajorityofprimatesbecausetheycalledhimShortyorevenmore
insultingnames.

Mr.Chancy,yousee,wasamidget,buthewasnorelativeofthefamousChaneysof
Hollywood.Peopledidkeepmakingjokesaboutthat.Itwasbadenoughtobe,bythe
standardsofthegiganticandstupidmajority,afreak;howmuchworsetobesonamed
astoremindthosebigoversizedclodsofcinema'stwomostfamousportrayersof
monstrofreaks.Bythetimethemidgetwasfifteen,hehadbuiltupadetestationfor
ordinarymankindthatdwarfed(hehatedthatword)therelativemisanthropiesofPaulof
Tarsus,ClementofAlexandria,SwiftofDublin,oranybodyinPOE.Revenge,forsure,
hewouldhave.Hewouldhaverevenge.

Itwasincollege(U.C.Berkeley,1962)thatMarkoffChaneydiscoveredanotherhidden
jokeinhisname.Itwasinamathclassand,sincethiswasBerkeley,thetwostudents
directlybehindthemidgetwereignoringtheprofessoranddiscussingtheirown
intellectualinterestswhichwere,ofcourse,fiveyearsaheadofintellectualfads
elsewhere.

"Sowekeepthesameinstinctsasourprimateandpreprimateancestors,"onestudent
wassaying.(HewasfromChicago,hisnamewasMountyBabbit,andhewascrazy
evenforBerkeley.)"Butwesuperimposecultureandlawontopofthis.Sowegetsplit
intwo,dig?Youmightsay"Babbit'svoicebetrayedprideintheaphorismhewasabout
tounleash"mankindisthestatutoryape."

"..and,"theprofessor,Percy"Prime"Time,saidatjustthatmoment,"whensucha
relatedseriesappearedinarandomprocess,wehavewhatisknownasaMarkoff
Chain.IhopeMr.Chaneywon'tbetormentedbyjokesaboutthisfortherestofthe
semester,eveniftherelatedseriesofhisappearancesinclassdoesseempartofa
notablyrandomprocess."Theclassroared;anothertoneofbilewasenteredonthe
midget'sshitledger,thelistofpeoplewhoweregoingtoeatturdbeforehedied.

Infact,hiscutswerenumerous,bothinmathandinotherclasses.Thereweretimes
whenhecouldnotbeartobewiththegiants,buthidinhisroom.Pussycatcenterfold
open,masturbatinganddreamingofmillionsandmillionsofnubileyoungwomenall
builtlikePussyettes,allthrowingthemselvespassionatelyuponhim.Today,however,
Pussycatwouldavailhimnot;heneededsomethingraunchier.Ignoringhisnextclass,
hehurriedacrossBancroftWayandslammedintohisroom,chainboltingthedoor
behindhim.

Damn"Prime"Timeanddamnthescienceofmathematicsitself,theline,thesquare,
theaverage,themeasurableworldthatpronouncedhimsubnormal.Onceandforall,
beyondfantasy,inthedepthofhissoul,hedeclaredwaronthestatutoryape,onlaw
andorder,onpredictability.Hewouldbetherandomfactorineveryequation;fromthis
dayforward,untodeath,itwouldbecivilwar:themidgetversusthedigits.

HetookouthispornographicTarotdeck,whichheusedwhenhewantedareallyfarout
fantasyforhisorgasm,andshuffleditthoroughly.Let'shaveaMarkoffChainorgasm,
justtostartwith,hethoughtsavagely.

HisfirstovertacthisFortSumter,asitwerebeganinSanFranciscothefollowing
Saturday.HewasinNorton'sEmporium,aglorifiedfiveanddimestore,whenhesaw
thesign:

NOSALESPERSONMAYLEAVETHEFLOOR
WITHOUTTHEAUTHORIZATIONOFASUPERIOR.

THEMGT.

What,hethought,arethepoorgirlssupposedtopeeintheirpantiesiftheycan'tfindthe
superior?Yearsofschoolcamebacktohim("Please,sir,mayIleavetheroom,sir?").
Hah!NotfornothinghadhespentasemesterinProfessor"Sheets"Kelly'sintensive
courseontextualanalysisofmodernpoetry.ThefollowingWednesday,themidgetwas
backatNorton'sandhidinginacoffeeurnwhenthestaffleftandlockedup.Afew
momentslaterthesignwasdownandanimprovedversionhunginitsplace:

NOSALESPERSONMAYLEAVETHEFLOOR
ORLOOKOUTTHEDOORWITHOUTTHEAUTHORIZATIONOFASUPERIOR.

THEMGT.

MarkoffChaneylaunchedwhatheconsideredareignofterroragainsttheoversized
idiotsofthestatisticalmajority.AnelectronicswhizsincehisfirstjuniorEdisonset,he
founditeasytoreverserelaysinstreetintersections,sothattheWALKsignflashedon
redandtheDON'TWALKsignsongreen.Thisprovedtobebereftofamusement,
exceptinsmalltowns;denizensofNewYork,Chicago,andsimilarelephantineburgs,
accustomedtonothingworkingproperly,ignoredthesignsanyway.Themidget
branchedoutandsoonincomprehensiblememossigned"THEMGT."wererainingupon
employeeseverywhere.Hisfather,crustyoldIndoleChaney,hadbeenastockholderin
BlueSkyInc.,averydubiouscorporationmanufacturingdevicesforuseinlowgravity;
whenJohnF.KennedyannouncedthattheU.S.wouldplaceamanonthemoonbefore
1970,BlueSkysuddenlybegantohaulinthelonggreen.Markoffinheritedafundthat
delivered$300permonth.Forhispurposes,itwasenough.LivinginSpartanfashion,
constantlycrisscrossingthecountrybyGreyhound(hesoonkneweverygraffitoinevery
WhiteTowermen'sroombyheart),diningoftenonatinofsardinesandacontainerof
milk,Markoffleftatrainofanarchyinhiswake.
EMPLOYEESMAYNOTEXCHANGEVACATIONDAYS.THEMGT.

EMPLOYEESMAYNOTPUNCHOTHEREMPLOYEES'TIMECARDS.ANY
DEVIATIONWILLRESULTINTERMINATION.THEMGT.

FILLOUTINTRIPLICATE.KEEPONECOPY,MAILONECOPYTOTHEOFFICEAND
SENDTHETHIRDTOTHETRANSYLVANIACONSULATE.THEMGT.(THISWAS
USEDATABLOODBANK,OFCOURSE.)

OnJanuary18,1984,themidgetwasinChicago,hidinginacoffeeurninthetenthfloor
editorialofficesofPussycatmagazine.HehadaVacationScheduleFormwithhim,to
berunoffonXeroxanddistributedtoeacheditor'sdesk.

Thisformwashismasterpiece;itwassuretoprovokeanervousbreakdowninanyone
whotriedtodecipherandcomplywithallitsdirections,yetitwasnotmuchdifferent,on
thesurface,fromthehundredsofsimilarformshandedoutinofficesdaily.Chaneywas
quitehappyandquiteimpatientforthestafftoleavesohecouldsetabouthischeerful
taskforthenight.

Twoeditorspassedthecoffeeurn,talking.

"Who'sthePussycatinterviewfornextmonth?"oneasked.

"Dr.Dashwood.Youknow,fromOrgasmResearch."

"Oh."

ThemidgethadheardofOrgasmResearchanditwas,ofcourse,onhisshitlist.More
statisticsandaverages,moreofthemodernsearchforthenormthathecouldneverbe.
Andnowthebastardwhoheadedit,Dr.Dashwood,wouldbeinterviewedbyPussycat
andprobablywouldgettofuckallthegorgeousPussyettesatthelocalPussycatClub.
Chaneyfumed.OrgasmResearchmovedfromthemiddleofhisshitlisttothetop,
replacinghisarchenemy,BellTelephone.

ThethoughtofDr.Dashwoodremainedwithhimallnight,ashegroundouthis
surrealistvacationmemoontheofficeXerox.Hewasstillfumingwhenhereturnedto
hispantrysizedroomattheYMCAandslippedthebolt(tokeepoutthewanderingand
prehensiledeviateswhoinfestYMCAseverywhere).Dr.FrancisDashwood,supervisor
oforgasms,andnowreadytodiveheadfirstintoabarrelofPussyettes:themidget
sufferedatthethought.

Butitwasnearly4A.M.andhewastired.Tomorrowmorningwouldbetimetodo
somethingaboutOrgasmResearch.

ChaneydreamedofDashwoodmeasuringorgasmswithanndimensionalrulerin
Frankenstein'slaboratorywhilemenintrenchcoatswentslinkingaboutintheshadows
askingunintelligiblequestionsabout132missinggorillas.

Inthemorningheshuffledthroughhisbogusletterheadfile,lookingforsomething
appropriateforcorrespondencewithOrgasmResearch.

THUGGEESOCIETY,DIVISIONOFHASHIMPORTANDAFROGENEALOGY,saidthe
handsomestletterhead;thiswasillustratedwithathreeheadedKali.Butthatonehe
reservedforcorrespondencewithprominentwhiteracists,informingthemthatthe
AfrogenealogyDivision(AlexHaley,researcherinchief)haddiscoveredthattheirgreat
greatgrandmotherwasblack.Chaneyalwaysinvitedtherecipientstocometothenext
Thuggeemeetingandbringtheirwivesandsisters.

FRIENDSOFTHEVANISHINGMALARIAMOSQUITO(COMMITTEETOBAND.D.T.)
wasagoodone,butnotgoodenoughforDr.Dashwood.Chaneyreserveditfor
correspondencewithPresidentLousewart.

Finally,themidgetselectedCHRISTIANSANDATHEISTSUNITEDAGAINST
CREEPINGAGNOSTICISM,aNonprophetOrganization,ReverendBillyGraham,
President;MadalynMurrayO'Hair,ChairpersonoftheBoard.

InafewmomentsChaneyproducedalettercalculatedtoshortafewcircuitsinDr.
Dashwood'scomputeroidcortex:

DearDr.Dashwood:
Whenyouareuptoyourassinalligators,it'shardtorememberthatyoustartedoutto
draintheswamp.
Cordially,
EzraPound,CouncilofArmedRabbis
P.S.Entropyrequiresnomaintenance.

Thatshouldmakethebastardwonderabit,hethoughtwithsatisfaction,stuffingthe
enigmaticepistleinanenvelopeandaddressingit.

MarkoffChaneyloathedmathbecauseitcontainedtheconceptoftheaverage.

Chaneynotonlyloathed,buthated,despised,abominated,detested,andcouldn'tstand
thethoughtofDr.Dashwood,notjustbecauseDashwood'sworkinvolvedstatisticsand
averages,butbecauseiswasconcernedwithorgasms.

ThatwasatendersubjecttoChaney.Hewasavirgin.

Hewasneverattractedtowomenofhisownstaturethatwasalmostincestuous,and,
besides,theysimplydidnotturnhimon.Headoredthegiantessesofthehateful
oversizedmajority.Headoredthem,lustedafterthem,andwasalsoterrifiedofthem.
Heknewfromsadexperience,oftrepeated,thattheyregardedhimascuteandeven
cuddly,andoneofthemhadgonesofarastosayadorablebutabsolutelyridiculousas
asexpartner,damnandblastthemalltohell.

Hehadtriedbuildinghiscouragewithbooze.Theythoughthewasdisgustingand
chauvinisticandnotevencuteanymore.

Hetriedweed.Theythoughthewascuteagain,andevenhilarious,butevenmore
absurdasapossiblelover.

Hetriedest.Thetrainersspentthefirstdaytearinghimdowntellinghimhewasano
goodshitandeverybodyknewhewasanogoodshitandthingslikethat,whichhehad
alwayssuspected.Theseconddaytheybuilthimupandconvincedhimhecouldcontrol
hisspaceaswellasanyothermammal.Hewasflyingwhenhecameout.

Hewentatoncetoasinglesbarandsidleduptothemostattractiveblondeintheplace.

"Hi,"hesaidboldly,swaggeringabit."Whatwouldyousaytoafriendlylittlefuck?"
Shegazeddownathimfromwhatsuddenlyseemedanenormousheight."Hello,
friendlylittlefuck,"shedrawledwithmagnificentboredom.

WhenChaneyslunkbacktohisYMCAroomandhispornographicTarot,hevowed
morevehementlythaneverthathewouldbethemeanestfuckontheplanet.Nobody
wouldevercallhimafriendlylittlefuckagain.

Hestilladoredthegiantessesandfearedthem,butnowhehatedthemtoo;inshort,he
wasreallystuckonthem.

Theircuntsthosehairy,moist,hot,adorable,inaccessible,rejecting,terrible,divine,
frighteningSchwartzchildRadiusesofthedimensionofManhoodweretheHolyGrailto
him.

Heknewtheircuntswerehairyandhotandmoist,etc.,despitehisvirginity,becausehe
hadreadalotofpornographicnovels.*

*GalacticArchives:Pornographicnovelswerenovelsaboutthethingsprimatesenjoy
most,namelysexualacrobatics.Theyweretaughttofeelashamedofthesenatural
primateimpulsessothattheywouldbeguiltyfurtivesubmissivetypesandeasyforthe
alphamalestomanipulate.Thosecaughtreadingsuchnovelswerecallednogood
shits,ofcourse.

PEP

Mussessein?Esmusssein.
ludwigvanbeethoven

pepthePeople'sEcologyPartyhadbeenfoundedbyFurbishLousewartVfollowingthe
successofhismonumentalbestseller,UnsafeWhereverYouGo.

LousewartVwasamanbornintotherighttime;hisbookperfectlyreflectedallthe
forebodingofthelate1970s.Itsthesiswassimplythateverythingsciencedoesis
wrong,thatscientistsareverynastypeople,andthatweneedtogobacktoasimpler,
morenaturalwayoflife.Themessagewasperfectforthetime;itwassimplyHitler's
NationalSocialismredone,withonlyafewminorchanges.

WhereHitlerwrote"Jew,"forinstance,Lousewartwrote"scientist."Nobodybutthemost
backwarddenizensofBadAss,Texas,orChicago,Illinois,wascapableofreallygetting
riledupbytheantiSemiticployanymore,andLousewarthad,withintuitivebrilliance,
pickedtheonescapegoatcapableofmobilizingrealfear,rage,andhatredamongthe
generalpopulation.

AndHitler'sWagnerianprimitivismwasaltogethertooTeutonicforyoungAmericainthe
1970s,soLousewartreplaceditwithachicblendofTaoistandAmerindianprimitivism.

Itdidn'tmatterthatscholarspointedoutthatallofLousewart'sargumentswereillogical
andincoherent(hisfollowersdespisedlogicandcoherenceonprinciple),anditdidn't
evenmatterthathehadbrazenlyliftedmostofhisnotionsrightoutofRoszak'sWhere
theWastelandEndsandVonDaniken'sGoldoftheGods.Itwasapackagethathada
builtinmarket.WiththecollapseoftheRepublicanPartyafterNixonandFord,there
wasavoidinnationalpolitics;somebodyhadtoorganizeaforcetochallengethe
Democrats,andthePeople'sEcologyPartymovedquicklytocapturetheturf.

FurbishLousewartwasanexpertinMoralityandIdeology;heunderstoodthatseeking
outanddenouncingnogoodshitswasthepathbywhichonecouldbecomeleaderofa
movementoftheanxiousandangry.Inshort,hehadtheinstinctsofapolitician.

TheLousewartphilosophyofasceticism,medievalism,anddespairwasofficiallycalled
theRevolutionofLoweredExpectations.

TheRevolutionofLoweredExpectationshadnotbeeninventedbyFurbishLousewart.
Thewholeneurosociologyofthetwentiethcenturycouldbeunderstoodasafunctionof
twovariablestheupwardrisingcurveoftheRevolutionofRisingExpectationsandthe
downwardplungingtrajectoryoftheRevolutionofLoweredExpectations.
TheRevolutionofRisingExpectations,whichhaddrawnmoreandmorepeopleintoits
Upthrustduringthefirsthalfofthecentury,hadledmanytobelievethatpovertyand
starvationanddiseasewereallgraduallybeingphasedoutbyadvancesinpureand
appliedscience,growingstockpilesofsurplusfoodintheadvancednations,accelerated
medicalprogress,thespreadofliteracyandelectronics,andthemountingsensethat
peoplehadarighttodemandadecentlifeforthemselvesandtheirchildren.

TheRevolutionofLoweredExpectationswasbasedontheideathattherewasn't
enoughenergytoprovidefortherisingexpectationsofthemasses.Yearafteryearthe
messagewasbroadcast:ThereIsn'tEnough.ThemassesweretaughtthatTerrawasa
closedsystem,thatentropywasincreasing,thatlifewasalosingpropositionallaround,
andthatthemajorityweredoomedtopoverty,starvation,disease,misery,andstupidity.

Mostofthepeoplewhostillhadrisingexpectationswerescientists.WhenFurbish
LousewartrealizedthepoliticalcapitaltobemadefromtheRevolutionofLowered
Expectations,healsorealizedthusdemonstratinghispoliticalsavvythathavingan
oppositionmeanthavingascapegoatgroup.

Thescientistswereanidealscapegoatgroupbecausetheyallspokeinspecialized
languagesandhardlyanybodycouldunderstandthem.

TheJewshadservedthisfunctioninearlieragesbecausetheyspokeYiddish.

ThescientistsspokeMathematics.

LOUSESINTHESKIDROWDIMEHAUNTS

Itisimpossiblenowtosupposethatorganiclifeexistsonlyonthisplanet.
furbishlousewartv,UnsafeWhereverYouGo

JustinCaseheardaboutthelousesintheskidrowdimehauntsatoneofEpicene
Wildeblood'swild,wildparties,onDecember23,1983.SimonMoon,acreaturewith
almostasmuchhairasBigfoot,plantedthelousesinCase'ssemanticpreconscious.
Thewholeeveningwasratherconfusingtoomanymartinis,toomuchweed,toomany
peopleandMoonwasregardedassomewhatsinisterbyeverybodybecauseheworked
fortheBeast(orwiththeBeast,orontheBeast).Tomakemattersevenmore
surrealistic,thatintolerableboreBlakeWilliamswaslecturingontheBirthofCosmic
Humanitytoanyonewhowouldlisten,andseveralotherconversationsweregoingon
simultaneously.Nonetheless,Moonhadamanuscriptwithhim,andafewlisteners,and
Casecouldn'thelpabsorbingpartofwhatthemadBeastmanwasreading.

"Theegaulssimperathistyrantpower,"MoonwaschantingwhenCasefirstbecame
consciousofhim.Whatthehellwasthat?"Heisghoonwiththissevenweekbooths
andhismickeyedmausersintomistory.Hiseyesdidseemauldglowery."

"FUCKTHEMALL!"adrunkenwriterfromCaliforniasaid,cymballike,inCase'sother
ear.

"Ibegyourpardon?"EpiceneWildeblood,gayasthreechimpsinacircus,seemedto
thinkthedrunkwasaddressinghim.

"Isaid,FUCKTHEBLOODYCAPITALISTS!!!"thewriterexplained,weavingabitto
windward."ThegoddamnmotherfuckingmoneygrubbingPhilistinelotofthem..."

"Isee,"Wildebloodsaiddryly.Hedidnotlikepeoplethrowingscenesathisparties."I
thinkmaybeyou'vehadtoomuchtodrink...."

"Yeah???Well,"thedrunkdecidedmajestically,"fuckyoutoo.Andthehorseyourodein
on,astheysayinTexas."

ButthatlardassedboreBlakeWilliamswasdroning,"Thewholeproblem,ofcourse,is
thatwehaven'tbeenbornyet.Infact,onlynow,atthispointinhistory,ishumanityabout
tobeborn."Williamswasfullofrubbishlikethat.

"Abouttobeborn?"askedCarolChristmas,themostdeliciouspieceofblondfemininity
inthegalaxy.Casethoughtatoncethatitwouldbeasplendidlywonderfulideato
depositatleastsomeofhisspermwithinheranyorificewoulddo.Hethoughtthiswasa
brilliantdecisiononhispart,andwonderedhowtobeginimplementingit.Hehadno
ideathateverymalehominid,andmanyothermaleprimates,immediatelyhadthatidea
whenlookingatCarol.

"Elverun,pastNova'satoms,"thehairyMoonreadontohissmallcircleofadmirers,
"frommayanbaldurstomonadsofgoo,bringsusbyadivinelykarmicTaoJones
leveragebackpasttallchieftacticsandaztlanteantooltechstoLousesintheSkidrow
Dimehaunts.ThiswaytheHumpytheatre."

"Istillsayfuck'emall."ThedrunkwasasolitarybassoonagainstMoon'skeeningviolin.
"Capitalismisarichman'sheavenandapoorman'shell."

"Ahmyes,"thatwindyoldbaritonesax,BlakeWilliams,bleatedtotheadorableCarol.
"Youseeterrestriallifeisembryonicintheevolutionarysense.Inperspectivetothe
cosmos."Oldchryselephantinepedant,Casethought.

TheshrillfifeofJosephineMalik,Case'seditor,washeard:"Moon.Theysayheworks
fortheBeast."Sheworejeans,combatbootsandabuttonsayinginpsychedeliccolors,
BRINGBACKTHESIXTIES.Walkingnostalgia.

"Floatingyousee,"thetubaofWilliamsoompahoompahedonward,"intheamniotic
atmosphereatthebottomofa4,000milegravitywell.AndtakingtheEuclidean
parametersofthatgestationasthenorm.Totallyfetal,ifyoufollowme,andinavery
realsenseblindbecauseunborn,knowingumthedimensionsofthewombplanetbut
notknowingwhatliesbeyondthegravitationalvaginathewholeuniverseoutside."

"A4,000milecunt?"Carolwasawedbytheconcept.Herblondheadleanedforwardin
doubtfulinquiry."That'saveryfunnymetaphor,Professor."

"TheonlydifferencebetweenmypublishersandtheJamesgang,"thedrunkwenton,
monotonousasabassdrum,"isthattheJamesboyshadhorses."

"...whichexplainsthevariousrebirthexperiencesreportedbyastronautslikeAldrinand
Mitchellandtheothers,"Williamstrumpeted(gassyoldwindbag)."Earthisourwomb.
LeavingEarthisliterallyrebirth.There'snothingmetaphoricaboutit."
"TheJamesboyshell,mylastpublisherwasmorelikeAttilatheHun,"plonktyplonked
FrankHemeroidinpianissimo.

Casebegantofeelthathehadhadperhapstoomuchhash.

"RightWingers?"astronomerBerthaVanAtionwastrilling."We'vegotrealRight
WingersoutinOrangeCounty.LetmetellyouabouttheCommitteetoNukethe
Whales...."

ButthatimpossibleWilliamspersonwasmurmuringprivatelynowtoCaroltheGolden
Goddess,andCasetrieddesperatelytocatchthewords,dreadingthethoughtthata
sexualliaisonwasbeingformed.

"Themnemonic,"Williamswascrooning,"isquiteeasy.Justsay,'MotherVeryEasily
MadeaJamSandwichUsingNoPeanuts,Mayonnaise,orGlue.'See?"

Mnemonicforwhat,inGod'sname?ButMoonwasshrillinglikeabansheenow:

"Wetwithgarrisonstatements,oswildeshores,dailyblazers,tochusculbook
depositories,middlesexedvillainsandfumes.Fict!Themostunkennedestcarpofall.
Fogt.Veiny?V.D.?Wacky?Hisbruttusgypper."

"IwaswalkingonLexingtonAvenueonemorningaroundthreea.m.,"thedrunk
maunderedon,"andIheardthisURRRRRP,thishorribleeldritchlaughterjustlikeinan
H.P.Lovecraftstory,anddoyouwanttoknowwhatIthinkitwas?Apublisherandhis
lawyerhadjustfiguredoutanewwaytoscrewoneoftheirwriters."

"Thisthelewdestcomedynominator,"MoonkeenedhighontheGstring."Thisde
visionsofspiralsfurdelewdestcomedynominator.Eeriecriesfromthescalpednations!
Thistheovaloreficesendstheplumbersfurdespills.Lustofthewalkregans.Think!
Whiteharsedevoted.Thank!Witarsdevoided.Dunk!"

"IwishMoonwouldstopreadingthatdrivel,"Fred"Figs"Newtonwasclearlyheardin
solo."I'dliketoaskhimhowmuchtheBeastreallyknows."

"Oh,"themournfuloboeofBennyBenedictsangominously,"theBeastknows
everything...."

"...byLoopShoreandDellingersgangers,"Moonkeenedoverthem,oblivious,"where
yippiesyipanddovesduznothing,tothehawkfullestconventionever."

AtthispointCasehadtobeatahastyretreattotheJohn(onemartinitoomany)andhe
neverdidgetalltheconversationssortedoutinhismemory,butthelousesinthe
skidrowdimehauntswerefirmlylodgedintheAmbiguousImageryfilesofhisMythand
MetaphorDetector,rightnexttotheThreeStoogesandChinatown.

AndCagliostrotheGreat.

TOHAVELOCKSONTHESEDOORS

Oneofthecausesofcanceristheharmfulnessofcookedfoods.
furbishlousewartv,UnsafeWhereverYouGo

BlakeWilliamshadthegreatgoodfortunetosufferaboutofpolioininfancy.Ofcourse
hedidnotrealizeitwasgoodfortuneatthetimenordidhisparentsorhisdoctors.
Nonetheless,hewasamongtheluckyfewwhoweretreatedbytheSisterKenny
methodatatime(theearly1930s)whentheAmericanMedicalAssociationwas
denouncingthatmethodasquackeryandforbiddingexperimentthereonbyits
members.Hewaswalkingagain,withonlyaslightlimp,whenheenteredgradeschool
in1938.Therealluckoccurredtwelveyearslater,in1950,whenhewaseighteen;the
limpandthedeadmusclesinhislowercalvesdisqualifiedhimformilitaryservice.The
nextmandrafted,inhisplace,hadbothtesticlesbloodilyblownoffinKorea.

Williams,ofcourse,neverknewaboutthispatrioticgelding,buthewaswellawarethat
variousboyshisagewerehavingvariousportionsoftheiranatomyblownoffinKorea;
beingsomewhatphilosophical,heoftenreflectedontheparadoxthatthepolio(which
hadbeen,whenitoccurred,aphysicalagonytohimandapsychologicalagonytohis
parents)hadpreservedhimfromsuchmutilations.Consideringthattheonlycontinuing
effectofthepoliowastheslightlimp,hehadtoadmitthatNatureorGodorsomething
orotherhadsneakilydonehimgreatgoodwhileappearingtodohimgreatevil.This
wasadecidedencouragementtowardanoptimisticattitudetowardtheseeminglyevil
andmadehimwonderiftheuniversewerenotbenevolentafterall.Theguywholosthis
ballsinWilliams'splace,ontheotherhand,becameapronouncedpessimistandcynic.

BetweenKoreaandVietnam,whileBlakewasacquiringfirstanM.S.andthenaPh.D.
inpaleoanthropology,anothergreatgoodfortune,intheformofanotherseemingevil,
camebeforehiseyes.HewaswalkinginlowerManhattan;hehadstartedfrom
WashingtonSquare,whereheandhiscurrentgirlfriendtheywerebothNYUstudents
hadjusthadaparticularlynastyquarrelrightafterabiologyclass.Hehadwanderedfar
tothewestinamoodofsuicidalgloom,suchasyoungmaleprimatesoftenthinkthey
shouldexperienceafterlosingasexualpartner.Somehow,hewanderedonto
VandivoortStreetandfoundhimselfattheVandivoortStreetincinerator.Therehesawa
mostpeculiarsight:aratherstoutman,lookinglikehewasabouttocry,waswatching
whiletwoyounger,thinnermenwerepouringbooksoutofatruckintotheincinerator.

"Whatthehell?"BlakeWilliamsaskednobodyinparticular.Itwaslikeanoldmovieof
NaziGermany.NobodyhadtoldhimthatbookburningwasnowanAmericaninstitution.

Heapproachedthestoutman,whowastheonlyoneofthethreewhoseemedunhappy,
andrepeatedhisquestion."Whatthehell?"heasked."Imean,areyoupeopleburning
books?"

"Theyare,"thestoutmansaid.Hewentontoexplainthathewasanexecutiveof
somethingcalledtheOrgoneInstitutePressandthatacourthadorderedalltheirbooks
destroyed.Williamswascuriousandlookedatsomeofthetitles:CharacterAnalysis
andTheMassPsychologyofFascismandTheCancerBiopathyandContactwith
Space.

"Ididn'tknowthatbookburningwaslegalinthiscountry,"hesaid.

"NeitherdidI,"thestoutmansaidbitterly.

BlakeWilliamswalkedon,dazed.Hecouldn'thavebeenmoreastonishedifhe'dseen
StormTroopersroundingupJews.Hewonderedifhe'dfallenintoatimewarp.
Later,ofcourse,helearnedthattheOrgoneInstitute,headedbyDr.WilhelmReich,had
beeninvestigatinghumansexualityandhadcometosomehighlyunorthodox
conclusions.Dr.Reichhimselfdiedinprison,Dr.Silvert(Reich'scoinvestigator)
committedsuicide,thebookswereburned,andtheheresywasburied.ButWilliamshad
anentirelynewattitudetowardthecountryinwhichhelived,thescientificcommunity
whichhadlookedonandmadenotasinglegesturetosupportDr.ReichandDr.Silvert,
andtheomnipresentrhetoricwhichinsistedthattheDarkAgeshadendedmany
centuriesago.

HerememberedthatSisterKenny,atthetimeheandthousandsofotherswerecured
byherpoliotherapy,hadbeendenouncedasaquackbythesameentrenchedmedical
bureaucratswhoimprisonedtheOrgoneresearchers.Howconvenient,hethought,
aghast,toassumethatalltheinjusticeshappeninothercountriesandotherages:that
Dreyfusmayhavebeeninnocent,buttheRosenbergsnever;thatPasteurmayhave
beenright,butnottheresearcherostracizedfromtheAmericanAssociationforthe
AdvancementofSciencenottheprofessordeniedtenureatouruniversity,nottheman
inourprison.BlakeWilliamscametotheGreatDoubtwithoutbitternessbutwith
increasedawarenessthatsocietyiseverywhereinconspiracyagainstintelligence.On
hisown,andatsomeexpense,herepeatedallofDr.Reich'sexperimentsanddrewhis
ownconclusions.

"Therewereonlyeighteen,"heusedtosay,deliberatelycryptic,suckinghispipe,
deadpan,wheneveranybodyenthusedaboutscientificfreedominhispresence.Ifthe
victiminquired,"Onlyeighteenwhat?"Blakewouldreply,withthesamedeadpan,"Only
eighteenphysicianswhosignedthepetitionagainsttheburningofReich'sbooksin
1957."Hewasnotdisappointedinhisexpectationthatnineoutofeverytenresearchers
wouldangrilyreply,"ButReichreallywasaquack."Thetenthwastheonlyonewho
wouldeverhearWilliams'srealthoughtsonanysubject.

Theturningpoint,however,didn'tcomeuntil1977.ItwasthenthatWilliamsreadabook
entitledCosmicTrigger.Theauthor,arathertoocleverfellownamedRobertAnton
Wilson,whowroteinastyleasopulentasaMoslempalace,claimedtobein
communicationwithaHigherIntelligencefromthesystemofthedogstar,Sirius.He
alsoprovidedevidence,ofasort,thatAleisterCrowley,G.I.Gurdjieff,Dr.JohnLilly,Dr.
TimothyLeary,aFlyingSaucercontacteenamedGeorgeHuntWilliamson,andthe
priesthoodofancientEgypt,amongothers,hadalsobeencontactedbyESP
transmittersfromSirius.Williamsfoundthatheactuallybelievedthispreposterousyarn.
Thediscoverythrilledhim,sinceitdidn'treallymatterwhetherthepretentiousWilson's
pompousclaimsweretrueornot.Whatmatteredwasthathe,BlakeWilliamswasfree
atlast.(Remembering:"Freeatlast,freeatlast,thankGodAlmighty,I'mfreeatlast,"
thetombstonewhichhadsomovedhimin1968.)DespiteB.S.andM.S.andPh.D.,
BlakeWilliamswasfree.Hedidnothavetothinkwhatotheracademicsthought.Hehad
somehowliberatedhimselffromconditionedconsciousness.

ProjectPan,inasense,beganatthatmoment.BlakeWilliamsknewthathewasgoing
todosomethinggreatandterriblewithhisnewfoundfreedom,andhewasresolvedthat,
unlikeReich(andLearyandSemmelweissandGalileoandthelong,sadlistofmartyrs
toscientificfreedom),hewouldnotbepunishedforit."ScrewtheEarthlings,"hesaid
bitterlyandwithmuchocojones,"I'mwisetotheirgame.Thetrickistobeindependent
butnottoletthemknowaboutit."

Thatnighthewroteinhisdiary,"Challengearemainingtaboo."Itwasthatsimple.He
hadalwayswantedtounderstandgenius,andnowhehadtheformula.Freud,livingin
anagethatprizeditsownseemingrationality,hadfoundoneoftheremainingtaboos
anddaredtothinkbeyondit:hediscoveredinfantsexualityandtheunconscious,among
otherthings.Galileohadgonebeyondthetaboo"ThoushaltnotquestionAristotle."
Everygreatdiscoveryhadbeenthebreakingofataboo.

BlakeWilliamsbeganlookingaroundforaremainingtabootoviolate.

ThiswasbynomeanseasyinUnistatatthattime.

LIVINGINANOVEL

Lettherebeaformdistinctfromtheform.
G.spencerbrown,LawsofForm

JoMalikoncethoughtshewasatranssexual.ShehadevengonetoDr.JohnMoney,
thepioneeroftranssexualtherapyandsurgery,atJohnsHopkins,backinthemid
sixties.

"IthinkI'mamanlivinginawoman'sbody,"shesaid.

Dr.Moneynodded;thatwasnormalinhisbusiness.Hebeganaskingherquestionsthe
standardonesandinonlyahalfhourshewasconvincedthatshewasnota
transsexual;shewasjustaconfusedwoman.Dr.Moneykindlygaveherthenameofa
goodpsychiatristinNewYork,whereshelived,foramoreconventionalformoftherapy.

AfterthreemonthsthepsychiatristannouncedthatJo'sproblemwasnotPenisEnvy.
Thatwashardlyexciting;shehadneverthoughtherproblemwasquitethatsimple.

Thetherapygroundalong.ShelearnedagreatdealaboutherFatherComplex,her
MotherComplex,herSiblingRivalries,andherhabitofhidingresentments.Itwas
enlightening,inapainfulway,butshewasstillconfused.

ThentheWomen'sLiberationMovementbegan,andJodroppedoutoftherapytoenter
politics.

Shenolongerdefinedherselfasamantrappedinawoman'sbody,butasahuman
beingtrappedinmaledefinitionsoffemininity.

Itwasaverysatisfactoryresolutionofherproblems.Shenolongerhadtotake
responsibilityforanything;everythingwasthefaultofthemen.Therewasnoneedto
stifleresentmentsthecorrectpoliticalstancewastoexpressthem,inastridentvoice
andwithamaximumofemotionalterritorialrage.ShehadfinallylearnedtheABC'sof
primatepolitics.Sheevenlearnedtoswellhermusclesandhowl.

ItwasallsomuchreliefafteryearsofselfdoubtthatJoremainedin1968whiletherest
oftheworldmovedinto1970and1974and1980and1983.Thatwaswhyshewas
wearingaBRINGBACKTHESIXTIESbuttonatEpiceneWildeblood'sparty.

JostillhadoneproblemleftoverfrompreWomen'sLibdays.Sometimesjustbefore
sleep,sheheardavoicesaying,"Nowife,nohorse,nomustache."
Ofcoursesheknewthateverybodyoccasionallyheardsuchvoicesinthehypnagogic
reveriebeforetruesleep.Youwerewiggingoutonlyifyouheardthemalldaylong.Still,
shewonderedwhereitcamefromandwhyithadsuchacrypticmessage.

JoMalikhadn'thadasexualrelationshipwithamansince1968,andlookedit.

Shewasalsosixtyfouryearsold,andlookedit.

Nevertheless,therewasanUnidentifiedManattheWildebloodparty,andJosuspected
himofhavingdesignsonherbod.Thatwasbecausehekepttryingtogetintoevery
conversationgroupthatsheintercepted.Hewasfollowingher,shewasconvinced.

"Motherveryeasilymadeajamsandwichusingnopeanuts,mayonnaise,orglue,"
BlakeWilliamssaid.

"Ofcourse,SkullIslandwasCooper'sChinatown,"JustinCasesaidatthesame
moment.

"Wham!Thatarbralwithhisshowerssooty?Thefugscomeinontinnycutfoets,"Moon
dronedalong.

JodecidedthatshehadtakenperhapsalittletoomuchoftheAfghanhashthatwas
goingaround.Itseemedthateverybodyintheroomthecremedelacremeof
Manhattanintelligentsiawerealltalkinggibberish.Sheeasedoutontothebalconyfor
somefreshairandrestfulsilence.

Eightstoriesbelowamarqueeblinkedupather:DEEPTHROAT,itsaid.Male
chauvinism.

Shebreatheddeeply,minglingoxygenwiththecannabismoleculesinherblood.

AndtheUnidentifiedManappeared."Hello,"hesaidcasually."IthoughtI'dfindyouout
here."

"Whothehellareyou,buster?"Jobarkedthefirstwarning.
"Mynamedoesn'tmatter,"hesaid.Hewastall,andhandsome,andverygentleinhis
eyes.TheworstkindofMaleChauvinistPig.TheSeducer.

"Youdon'tmatter,either,"Josaidsnappily."I'dliketobealone,toenjoytheview,ifyou
don'tmind."

Sheshowedmoreteeth,emphasizingthesecondprimatewarning.

"I'mHughCrane,"thehandsomestrangersaidquickly."IhavebeensentbytheAuthor
ofOurBeingwithanimportantmessageforyou.Pleaselisten;it'svitaltoyourfuture.
Weareall..livinginanovel."

"Takeitandstickit,"Josaid,leavingthebalcony.

Anothermalechauvinistsquashed,oratleastsquelched.

Unfortunately,backintheWildebloodsoiree,thefirstvoicesheheardwasBenny
Benedictcomplaining."Women'sLib?Christ,whatweneednowisMen'sLib.Doyou
knowhowmuchalimonyI'mpaying?..."

STARHAWK'SLIFESTUDY

Incapitalism,manexploitsman.Insocialism,it'sexactlytheopposite.
bentucker,famousvaudevillecomedian

While"Eggs"BenedictwascomplainingabouthisalimonyinNewYork,atelephone
wasringinginMarleneMurphy'sapartmentinSanFrancisco.

Starhawk,abronzeyoungmanwithanarrogantface,hadpickedMarleneupina
singlesbaronPowellStreetjustthreehoursbeforeandstilldidn'tknowherlastname.
Hecameoutofthebathroomstarknakedtoanswerthephone.Verycarefully,hesaid,
"Yes?"

"Whoisthis?"thevoiceontheotherendaskedsharply.

Starhawkbreatheddeeply."Whoyoutryingtocall?"heaskedinreturn,calmly,starting
tosmile.

"Isn'tthis5559470?"

Starhawkbegantofeelthatheknewthisvoicefromsomewhere."No,"hesaid."Thisis
9479.Tryagain,Mac."Hehungupquickly.

MarleneMurphycameoutofthebathroom,alsonaked,towelingherhair.Starhawk
lookedatherthoughtfully.

"Yougotahusbandyousortofforgottomention?"heasked.

"Me,ahusband?"Marlenelitacigarette."Thanksforthelaugh.I'dratherbeinjail.A
husband,Jesus,no,thanks."

"Well,somebodydidn'tlikeamantobeansweringyourphone,"Starhawksaid.
"Somebodywithavoicelikeacop.Orabillcollector."

"Myfather,"shesaid."Oh,crap.HereIamtwentyfouryearsoldandworkingfora
Master'sinSocialPsychandhethinksIshouldn'thaveamaninmyapartmentwhenhe
calls.That'stheIrishforyou."

Thephonerangagain.

Marleneanswereditthistime.Starhawkstartedtocrosstheroombutshegrabbedhis
legandasheturnedshetookhispenisinherhand.

"Daddy?"Marlenesoundedgenuinelysurprised."Aman?No,I'malone,studyingforthe
exams."ShewasrunningherfingersaroundthecrownofthepenisandStarhawkwas
reactingwithanotableswelling."What?Look,Ijusttoldyou.Itwasawrongnumber.
WhatamI,asuspectyougotinthebackroom?Youmusthavemadeamistake,evenif
itwasthefirsttimeinyourwholelife."

MarleneleanedforwardandkissedStarhawk'scockquicklyandshiftedbacktothe
phoneatonce."No.Isaidno,Daddy,no,andImeantit.TheChurchsaysI'msupposed
togotoConfessiontoapriestonceayear.Itdoesn'tsayI'msupposedtogoto
Confessiontomyownfathereverytimehecallsmeonthephone."

Herhandwasmovingrapidlynow,tryingtomakeStarhawkejaculate.Hesmiled,
recognizinghergame,andpulledaway,tokneelbeforeherandbeganlickingherinner
thighs.

"No.Ihaven'tseenAuntIreneintwoyears.She'sinvolvedinwhat?Greenpeace?
That'sjusttoprotectthewhales.There'snothingcommunisticaboutitandhalfthe
peopleinMendocinoareinit.What?Sure,buttheyjustlikewhalesupthere.Whatdo
youmeanmyvoiceisgettingfunny?Itmustbeacoldcomingon.Yes.Yes.Oh,God,
it'sthedoor.Yes.Iloveyou,too,Daddy.Thedoor."Shehungupquickly,herpelvis
heaving."God,God,God.Oh,sweetfuckingJesusGod."

Starhawkstoodupandsaid,"Youlikethatkindofgame?Whydon'tyoucallthe
ArchbishopandI'lldoittoyouagainwhileyoutalktohim."

"Youareaprize,"Marlenesaid."Youreallyareaprize.Haveyouspentyourwholelife
learninghowtopleasewomen?"

"It'smylifestudy,"Starhawksaid."Everythingelseisjustahobby."

Starhawk,likemostofthecharactersinthisRomance,wasaliar.

Mostprimatesliedconstantly,becausetheywereafraidofgettingcaughtandbeing
pronouncednogoodshits.

Starhawkwasalwaysafraidofgettingcaught,becausehislifestudywasreallyburglary.

Starhawkthoughthehadarighttostealanythingandeverythinghecouldgetawaywith
fromthewhitepeople.
ThewhitepeoplehadstolenallthelandinUnistatfromhisancestors.

Starhawk,likethegrimmoralistsinPOE,wasdeterminedtogeteven.

Gettingevenwasthebasisofmanyprimatesemanticconfusions,suchas
"expropriatingtheexpropriators,""anabsolutecrimedemandsanabsolutepenalty,"
"theydidittomesoIcandoittothem,"and,ingeneral,theemotionalmathematicsof
"oneplusoneequalszero"(1+1=0).

Theprimatesweresodumbtheydidn'trealizethatoneplusoneequalstwo(1+1=2)
andonemurderplusonemurderequalstwomurders,onecrimeplusonecrimeequals
twocrimes,etc.

Theydidnotunderstandcausalityatall.

Thefewprimateswhodidunderstandcausalityslightlycalleditkarma.Theysaidall
sortsoffoolishthingsaboutit.

Theydidn'tevenknowenoughmathematicstodescribequantumprobabilitywaves.
Theysaid,incrudehominidmetaphor,thatbadkarmaledto"badvibes."

LANDSLIDE

BryceS.DeWittstates:"TheCopenhagenviewpromotestheimpressionthatthe
collapseofthestatevector,andeventhestatevectoritself,isallinthemind."...One
factwhichseemstoemergefromthepresentdiscussionsofthenatureof
consciousnessisthatitisnonlocal(i.e.,notconfinedtoacertainregionofspacetime)..
..
lawrencebeynam,FutureScience

FurbishLousewartVwaselectedPresidentoftheUnitedStatesin1980withthe
greatestlandslidesinceRooseveltIIburiedpoorAlfLandonalivein1936.ThePeople's
EcologyPartyalsogainedcontrolofboththeHouseandtheSenateandtwentythree
governorshipsoutofthefiftyone.

ThePEPplatform,aweirdmixtureoftangledreligiosityandNewLeftantirationalism,
becameofficialpolicy.

TheNewOrderbeganmildlyatleastbycomparisonwithwhatwastofollowandthe
majorchangesofthefirstadministrationconsistedonlyofcuttingtheNASAbudgetto
zilch;banningMcDonald'shamburgershops(whichresultedinunderground
"Steakeasies,"whereyougavetherightpasswordandgotaBigMacfor$7);outlawing
tobacco(a"lid"ofChesterfieldswassoonsellingfor$50to$75coasttocoast);
appointingthreeantitechnologyfanaticstothefirstthreevacanciesintheSupreme
Court;forbiddingtheteachingofLogicalPositivismincolleges;throwingeverybodyoff
welfare(thestreetsweresoonfullofcrippledandschizophrenicbeggars,someof
whomalsosleptthereorevenstarvedthereonoccasion,creatingthatThirdWorldlook
whichPEPregularsregardedas"spiritual");cuttingtheuseofelectricityby50percent,
gasby70percent,andatomicenergyby97percent,therebycausingmillionstofreeze
todeathandmillionsmoretojointhearmyofunemployedbeggarsonthestreets;
beginningallCabinetmeetingswithhathayogasessionsandKrishnachanting;
serializingthecollectedworksofRalphNaderintheofficialPartynewspaper,Doom;
encouragingPartymemberstobeatupmathematicians,geologists,sciencefictionfans,
andother"nonec"types("nonec"typeswerethoseeitherknowntobedisloyaltothe
Partyorsuspectedofsuchdisloyalty);encouragingthereemergenceofcottageindustry
byrigidlyrepressingeverymoreadvancedkindofindustry;introducingZenmeditation
togrammarschools;andmostimportantofall,blamingthehostofnewandtragic
problemsthatresultedfromgovernmentpoliciesonanallegedconspiracyof"scientists"
andinstitutinganationwidewitchhunttoroundupthemembersofthisconspiracyfor
incarcerationinreeducationcenters.

TheRevolutionofLoweredExpectationshadtriumphed.By1984nobodyinthecountry
hadanyhigherexpectationsthanafeudalserf.

Actually,theapotheosisofFurbishLousewartVhadbeenengineeredbythesame
groupofalphamaleswhohadbeenpromotingtheRevolutionofLoweredExpectations
allalong.
Thesewereverycunningoldprimatesinseveralofthemostskillfulpredatorbandson
Terra.Becauseofthestealthandskillofthesebandsmadeupofsuccessfulpredator
familiesthathadbeenintermarryingforseveralgenerationstheycollectivelyowned
99.4percentofalltheterritoryandresourcesofUnistat.

Theyonlyownedabout40percentoftherestofTerra,andthatseriouslyannoyedthem.

TheRevolutionofRisingExpectationsannoyedthemevenmore,becauseitledmany
primatestoarguethatthereasonpovertyandstarvationstillcontinuedinanadvanced
technologicalsocietywasthatSomebodyWasGettingMoreThanTheirShare.
WheneveranybodyaskedwhothatSomebodymightbe,alleyesturnedontheseroyal
oldprimatemaleswhoownedsomuch.Theeyeswerenotfriendly.Sometimes,infar
offlandswheretheseroyalprimatesdidnotcompletelycontrolthegovernments,some
oftheirboodlewasactuallyseizedandredistributedtothepeopletheyhadstolenit
from.AsRisingExpectationshadmountedinthefirsthalfofthecentury,thisregrettable
patternofexpropriationalsoescalated.

Thealphamalesofthesetougholdpredatorfamiliesdidnotlikethisatall.They
thereforeinvestedaprudentsuminpromotingthecareersofeverybodywhopreached
LoweredExpectations,fromRalphNaderandtheClubofRometoOrientalgurusand
theneoStoicsofthepostMarxistLeft.

WhenFurbishLousewartcamealong,theyinvestedinhim,tooenoughtobuythe
electionforhim.

THEQUANTUMCONNECTIONISUNMITIGATED

WhenJustinCasereturnedfromtheJohnthemadSimonMoonwasstillreadinghis
nightmareversionoftheAmericanDream.

"Uppergunsthouwilt,marxafactors,"Moonintoned,halfchanting."Agnewgnucries
nixnixonyourloinardors[OmyamI?]asthegreatJehooverfoulshisfiles[Seminole
cowhand]withmarchinglootercongs.Whataloopintheevening,bloodyfouledloop!
LawnorduresforCrookbackedDick,pigbastchardoftheworld.See,it'sthestinking
onioncoop.Say,it'stheslimeydeepseadoodler.Bythewampumofcaponey.Oturnig
on,DukeDaleyswine,lardmayorofburningtown!They'llchipawayyorehomohawks."

"HughesRockefellerExxon,"thedrunkenwriterwasmutteringintohismartiniglass.
"Thievingmotherfucking..."

Justindecidedthepartywasdegeneratingandleft.InthefoyerhehadtopassMarvin
GardensandJosephineMalikandheard:

"Malechauvinistparanoid!"(JosephinetoMarvin.)

"Extraterrestrialbrainwashed"(MarvintoJosephine.)

Justindecidedmoroselythattheliteraryworldhadneverbeenthesamesincethedrug
revolutionofthe1960sand1970s."Prettylittleboidiespickinginthetoidies,"hesaid
grufflytobothofthemandwalkedout.

Justinhadnoideawherehehadgottenthewordsabouttheprettylittleboidiesfrom.He
assumeditwastheAfghanhashgoingaroundattheparty.

"Iknowallaboutyourplansss,"MarvinGardenswassnarlingatJoMalik,inhiscoked
upPeterLorrevoice."IknowwhyyoupickedHemingwaytodiscreditanddefame.I
knowwhatyouandyourextraterrestrialfriendsareplanningtodotohumanity,youcold
bloodedfiendsss."

"Youknow,"Josaid,suddenlytiredofherownanger,"youreallyoughttolayoffthat
coke,buster."

"Yess,yess,claimthatI'mparanoid,that'stheusualtactic"

"Isayyoutwo,"EpiceneWildeblooddrawled,"dideitherofyouseeCagliostro?"

"Themagician?"Joasked.
"Well,"Wildebloodaskedwithinfinitepatience,"isthereanotherCagliostro?"

MarvinandJoexchangedequallypuzzledglances.

"Iguesshehasn'tarrivedyet,"Joofferedfinally.

"What?"Wildebloodfrowned."Why,he'sbeenhereallnight."

MarvinandJoexchangedglancesagain.

"Iguesswemissedhim,"Marvinsaidgently,withtheghastlysmileofonewhohumors
aderangedmind.

Wildebloodglaredathimandstalkedoff.

Thatwasreallyheavyhash,Jodecided.Wildebloodhadbeenhallucinatingaguestwho
wasn'teventhere.

DEMATERIALIZINGGORILLAS

Kneejerkliberalsandallthecertifiedsaintsofsanctifiedhumanismarequickto
condemnthisgreatandmuchmalignedTransylvanianstatesman.
williamF.buckley,jr.,
TheWitandWisdomofVladtheImpaler

TheWarrenBelchSocietyhelditsannualmeetingonJanuary2,1984,whilePOEwas
busyminingdowntownWashingtonwithhomemadeatombombs.TheSocietyknew
nothingofthisandwasmoreconcernedwithdisappearinggorillasinChicago.

TheirtinyofficewasdominatedbyahugeoilpaintingofSchrdinger'sCat,executedin
weirdorgonebluehuesbytheirfounderandpresidingofficer,theeccentricmillionaire,
W.ClementCotex.AllactivemembersoftheSocietyeightofthem,tobeexactwere
present.

TheWarrenBelchSocietyhadbeenfoundedafterCotexhadbeenkickedoutofthe
ForteanSocietyforhavingbizarrenotions.Thepurposeof"theBelchers"(asCotex
joviallycalledthem)wastoinvestigatethoseaspectsofscientifictheoryandthose
allegedocculteventswhichwereregardedas"toofarout"bytheunimaginative
Forteans,whoarewillingtoinvestigateUFOs,rainsofcrabsandfish,girlswhomight
haveturnedintoswans,andsimilarmatters,but,liketheirfounder,thelateCharlesFort,
drewthelineatthedogsthatsaid"Goodmorning"andthenvanishedinapuffofgreen
smoke.

Cotex,admittedly,wasanintellectualsurrealist.ThenameoftheSociety,forinstance,
wasdeliberatelytakenfromthemostobscureofallthelawmenoftheOldWest,
MarshallWarrenBelchofDodgeCity,whohadunfortunatelybeenshottodeathwhen
hispistoljammedduringhisveryfirstgunfight.ItwasClemCotex'sclaimthatthe
EverettWheelerGrahamDeWittinterpretationoftheSchrdinger'sCatparadoxwas
literallytrue.Everythingthatcouldhappendidhappen.Therewereinfinitelymany
universes,eachonetheresultofacollapseofthestatevectorinapossibleway.Thus,
somewhereinsuperspace,theremustbeauniverseinwhichMarshallBelch'spistol
didn'tjamandhelivedontobecomefamous.TherewereprobablyTVshowsand
moviesabouthimbynow,overthereinthatuniverse.OrsoCotexargued.

Ingeneral,asgoodempiricists,theBelchSocietywasmoreinterestedinoddfactsthan
inoddtheories.AUFOContacteewhocouldjamzippersbylookingatthem.Aman
founddeadinSt.Louiswithhisthroattornasthoughbythefangsofanenormous
beast,withnoanimalmissingfromthelocalzoos(thefamousStimsonCaseof1968).
Documentedinstancesofafatbeardedmanwithjollyeyesseennearchimneyson
ChristmasEve,withabagoftoysoverhisshoulder.BleedingCatholicstatues.Flying
Hindus.DematerializingBuddhists.Kahunafirewalkers.Whythesignsalwayssay
WALKwhenthestreetlightisonredandDON'TWALKwhenitisongreen.Booksin
whichthepermutationsofthephrase"heavenandhell"appearedatrandomintervals,
formingaMarkoffChain.

"Takeanybodyintheworldanybodyinthisnovel,"Cotexonceexplainedhistheorytoa
groupofskepticalfellowcharacters."Likeyou,Dr.Williams,"headded,pickingoutthe
mosteruditeandwiggyinthecrowd,BlakeWilliams."Inoneoftheparalleluniverses,
you'reprobablynotananthropologist,butmaybeachemistorsomething.Inanother
universe,youmightevenbeafemalemusicianinsteadofamalescientist.Andsoon.In
anotheruniverse,"Cotexconcluded,'7mightbeasmallbusinessmanfromLittleRock
whobelievestheuniverseisfivecornered."

Thedisappearinggorillas,theywereallconvinced,were:(a)amajorbreakthroughto
anotheruniverse;(b)notyetknowntothosestuffyoldForteans;and(c)reallyhotstuff.

"Ifgorillascanteleport,"ProfessorFred"Fidgets"Digitswassaying,"thatmaybethe
wholekeytotheMadFishmonger."

"Weneedn'tassumethatthegorillasactuallyteleport,"Dr.HoraceNaismithobjected."It
maybethatthereisaSchwartzchildRadiusinLincolnParkZooandtheysortoffallinto
itandpasstheEventHorizon."

Thisledtosomelivelydebateonwhetherteleportationwasorwasnotmorelikelythan
aBlackHoleintheLincolnParkZoo,butBlakeWilliamssuddenlyderailedthe
conversationwithathoughtfulanduncompleted"Iwonderifthisgoesallthewayback
totheDemocraticConventionof1968...."

"Say,"Cortexcried,eyeswide."Whatwasallthatfightingandfussingabout,anyway?
ThewayIrememberit,theradicalswantedtosleepintheparkandthepolicebeatthe
shitoutofthemandchasedthemoutofthepark.Thatseemsanawfullysillyissueto
leadtoawholeweekofriotingandteargassing.Andwhyweresomanyjournalistsand
especiallycameramenattackedbythecops...?"

"Youthinkmaybethecityauthoritiesknewaboutit,evenbackthen...?"Naismith
askedeagerly.

"Peoplemayresistnewideas,asweallknowtooursorrow,"Williamssaid,"butafact
thissizeovertwohundredgorillaspurchasedbythezoooveratenyearperiodandonly
twoaccountedformusthavebeennoticedbysomebodyonthefinancecommitteeat
least.Youcanbetyoursweetassthecityauthoritiesknowaboutit.And,ofcourse,
they'reimposingacoverup,justliketheairforcewiththeUFOs.Thesameold
governmentreflex.Pavlov'sDogmeetsSchrdinger'sCatagain."
"Thisisatimeforaction,nottheory,"saidCotex."Gentlemen,IamflyingtoChicago
tonighttobeginapersonalinvestigation.Acaselikethisisasurrealist'sheavenanda
logician'shell,"headdedwithachuckle.Hewastotallynonlinear.

THEMADFISHMONGER

Thereisnosuchthingaswater.Itismerelymeltedice.
furbishlousewartV,UnsafeWhereverYouGo

TheMadFishmongerwasthepatronsaintoftheWarrenBelchSociety.He,orshe,had
originallyappeared,orhadbeenallegedtohaveappeared,inCromerGardens,
Worcester,England,onMay28,1881.He,orshe,alongwithperhapsadozen
assistants,hadrushedthroughCromerGardensathighnoon,throwingcrabsand
periwinklesalloverthestreets.Theyalsothrewcrabsandperiwinklesintothefields
besidetheroad.Theyclimbedhighwallstodumpsomeofthefishintogardensand
ontotheroofsofhouses.

Itwasthorough,painstakingwork,andsincetheMadFishmongerandhis,orher,
associatesaccomplisheditallatnoononabusydaywithoutbeingseen,thecitizensof
CromerGardensclaimedthatthecrabsandperiwinkleshadfallenoutofthesky.

Thisnotionwasnotacceptabletothescientistsoftheday,whohelditasaxiomaticthat
crabsandperiwinklesdonotfalloutofthesky.AscientistfromNaturemagazine
thereforeofferedtheMadFishmongeranexplanation,althoughhefailedtoexplainhow
theFishmongerandhiscoconspiratorshadaccomplishedtheirfeatwithoutbeing
noticedbyanyofthecitizenry.

CharlesFort,founderoftheForteanSociety,rejectedtheMadFishmongerindignantly
andclaimedthatcrabsandperiwinklesdidfallfromthesky.AfterClemCotexwas
thrownoutoftheForteanSocietyforhisheresies,hereconsideredthewholepuzzling
caseofthemysteriouseventinCromerGardensonMay28,1881.Cotexdecidedto
believeintheMadFishmonger.Itwasthefundamentalhypothesisofhissystemof
philosophy,andtheguidinglightoftheWarrenBelchSociety,thatthecraziestsounding
theoryisthemostlikelyone.Allthingsconsidered,themotivesandmethodologyofthe
MadFishmongerweremuchmoremysteriousthanshellfishfallingfromthesky;ergo,
theMadFishmongerprobablydidexist.

Amongthethingsthescienceofthattimecouldnotexplain,whichClemCotex
attributedtotheMadFishmonger,wereotherDamnedThingsthatfelloutofthesky,
suchasironballswithinscriptionsonthemorchunksoficeasbigaselephants.There
werealsoDamnedThingsontheground,includingjumpingfurniture,"haunts,"andthe
Gentry.Therewereanimalsthatshouldn'tbeandanimalsthatcouldn'tbeandtrans
timeandtransspaceperceptionsandreligious"miracles."

Thefirstcluetocorrectunderstandingofthesethingscamewhenquantumcausality
wasfinallyformulatedcorrectlyinGilhooley'sDemonstrationof1994,andnobody
understoodGilhooley.

AtthetimeofourstoryeverybodywasasconfusedasClemCotex.Mostofthemjust
expressedtheirconfusion,orratherconcealedit,inmoreconservativeways.

ANOTHERCIAPLOT

Thespiritofdecisionconsistssimplyinnothesitatingwhenaninnervoicecommands
youtoact.
furbishlousewartV,UnsafeWherever"fourGo

JustbeforecomingtoWildeblood'sparty,BlakeWilliamswroteoneofthemostheretical
passagesinhisjealouslyguardedSecretDiaries.Hewrote:

Iamananthropologist,ergoaprofessionalliar.Ananthropologistisascientisttrainedto
observethateverysocietyisalittlebitmad,includinghisown.Heholdshisjobbynever
mentioningthisfactexplicitly.
Perhaps1983asawholehadbeentoomuchforhim.InJanuaryoneofthebiggest
breakthroughshadoccurredatProjectPan,andWilliamsandDashwoodhadtoreach
newheightsofeloquencetopersuadetheotherscientistsinvolvedthatanypremature
disclosurecouldbelethal.Atthatverytime,theypointedout,theJohnBirchSociety
wasstagingmassivesitinsandprotestsagainsttheintroductionofanthropologytexts
tohighschoolsinOrangeCounty.

InFebruarytheGovernmentAccountingOfficeannouncedthatallthegoldinFortKnox
haddisappearedsometimeinthepastdecade.

InMarchthreenewlifeextensionpillswereplacedonthemarketduringthecontroversy
overFOREVER,thefirstlifeextensionpill,whichwaswidelysuspectedofcreating
disastroussideeffects.AllthedataonFOREVERthusfarhadshownoneconsistency:
scientistsnotemployedbyBlueSkyInc.,themanufacturerofFOREVER,continually
foundevidenceofthesetragicsideeffects,andallscientistsemployedbyBlueSky
continuallyfoundnoevidenceofsuchproblems.(ThatmonthBlakeWilliamswrotein
hisDiaries,quotingLordMacaulay,"Thelawofgravitywouldbethrownintodispute
werethereacommercialinterestinvolved.")

InAprilaveragerentforaoneroomapartmentreached$1,500permonthandmany
familieswererentingbroomclosetsat$600to$700permonthorjustsleepinginparks.
LandlordswerehangedinBerkeley,California,andCarbondale,Michigan.*

*GalacticArchives:Rentwasaformoftributepaidbynon"owning"usersoflandto
nonusing"owners."The"owners,"knownaslordsoftheland,orlandlordsforshort,
wereoriginallyrelativesofthealphamaleorking(seeNomisofNoom,"Fromthe
BaboonFoodGatheringBandtoConsciousness"),butamongthehigherbarbarians,
suchasinUnistatatthetimeofthisepic,anyonewithenough"money"couldbuyland
andbecomea"landlord."

InMaythemissinggoldfromFortKnoxwasfoundburiedatSanClemente.Nixonstill
deniedeverything.

ThenewWorldAlmanaclistedthefirstUFOculttoreach20,000,000membersamong
themajorworldreligions.

InJunethefirsthumanembryotransplantwasaccomplishedandtheU.S.troopsin
TierradelFuegomutinied.

InJulyFEMFREE,adrugwhichallegedlyremovedmotheringimpulses,wasbannedby
theFDA,andUFOcultistsandChristiansclashedinBelfast.

InAugustastronomerBerthaVanAtiondiscoveredtwonewplanetsinthesolarsystem,
andbootlegFEMFREEattentimesthefreemarketpricebegantocirculatethrough
Women'sLibgroupscoasttocoast.

InSeptemberUFOcultistsandMoslemsclashedinCairo.

InOctoberlandlordswerelynchedinthreemoreAmericancities,thefirsthumanbrain
transplantwasaccomplished,andUFOcultistsclashedwithMaoistsinPeking.

InNovember,MaeBrussellonKPFABerkeleychargedthatJesushadbeenkilledbya
CIAplot.

AHITONTHEHEAD

Everysocietyencouragessomebehaviorsandpunitivelyforbidsothers.Thus,although
cultureswerenotscientificallydesigned,theyactmuchlikecomputersprogrammedfor
specificresults.Onecanlookattheirculturalstructureandpredict:thisonewillhavea
highmurderrate,thisonewillhavemanyschizophrenics,thisonewillremainStone
Ageunlessinterferedwith,thisoneisgoingtothestars.
marilynchambers,NeuroAnthropology

Benny"Eggs"BenedictnevergothomefromEpiceneWildeblood'spartythatnight.On
thecornerofLexingtonandTwentythird,Bennywashitbyaheavyleadpipe,which
smashedhisskullandkilledhim.Thepipedidnotfallbyaccident;itwaswielded
deliberatelybyamannamedFrancesco"Pablo"Gomez.PablodidnothateBennyor
haveanypersonalfeelingstowardhimatallandhedidnotgrinsadistically.Pablohit
BennywiththepipebecauseBennywaswelldressedandprobablyhadmoneyinhis
pockets.WhenBennywascomatosebutnotyetdead,Pablodraggedhimintoanalley
andwentthroughhispockets,findingtohisdelightthathissurmisehadbeencorrect
andBennywasactuallycarryingmorethan$50;hehad$52,tobeexact.Bennydied
whilePablowasriflingthewallet.

ToPablo,$52wasalotofmoney.Hewenthomehumminghappily.

That'sthewaythingswereinUnistatattheheightoftheRevolutionofLowered
Expectations.

CLUES

Everystringwhichhasoneendalsohasanotherend.
finagle'sfirstfundamentalfinding

ClemCotexhadbeennosingabouttheLincolnParkZooforseveraldaysandwasmore
puzzledthanever.Thefactswereundeniable:Thezoohad,indeed,purchasedover
200gorillasinthepastdecadeandonlytwoofthemwereonexhibit;198weremissing.
Anysortofcasualquestioningoftheprimatehouseattendantsbroughtinstantlyvague
answersinawellrehearsedmanner.Theywereallinonthecoverup.Thepublicwas
beingprotectedagainstallknowledgeoftheinexplicable,theweird,thesurrealistic.All
partoftheusualgovernmentalpretensethathumanaffairswererationallyadministered
byexpertswhoknewwhatwasreallygoingon.Theyfearedthatifpeopleever
discoveredthatthoseinpowerwereasconfusedbythisinexplicableuniverseasthose
outofpower,thenthewholecharademightcollapse.

TherewasnoBlackHoleinthezoo;Cotexwassureofthat.Allgravityconditionswere
normal.ThegorillaswerenotfallingthroughaSchwartzchildradiusintotheuniverse
nextdoororanythingreallyspookylikethat.Theyweresimplyteleportingsomewhere..
.maybebacktotheirhomelandsinAfrica.Although,consideringtheunpredictabilityof
teleportivecurrentsasdocumentedbyCharlesFortwhohadrecordedcasesofsnakes
landinginMemphis,Tennessee,andcoconutsbeingdepositedinWorcester,England
thegorillasmightactuallybereappearinganywhere.

Sinceanythingmightbeaclueinsuchoccultenigmas,Clemhadcarefullycopiedallthe
graffitiinthemen'sroomattheprimatehouse.Itwastheusualjumbleofdisparateand
ambiguoussignals:"BlackP.StoneRunIt,""Foragoodblowjobcall5551717andask
forFatherJamesFlanagan,""HelpPreventVonNeumann'sCatastrophe!,""Armthe
Unemployed,""Freeourfourleggedbrothersandsisters.Azooisachild'sheavenand
ananimal'shell,""SavetheWhalesHarpoonaHonda,""OfftheLandlords,""StampOut
Sizeism."

Probably,Cotexthoughtmorosely,thereisanimportantsignalinthereandI'mjustnot
imaginativeenoughtoseeit.

GodblessAmerica.

THEALTRUIST

GodblessAmerica.
lastwordsofG.I.gurdjieff

EverybodywhohadbeenatWildeblood'spartyfeltcompelledtoattendBenedict's
funeral,eventhoughnoneofthemenjoyedit.Bennyhadbeenoneofthefunniest
writersofhistime,atleastinthedailypress,anditwouldhavebeenappropriatetosend
himoffwithashowingofoldLaurelandHardyfilmsorsomethingequallyinhisown
metier.Primatedecorumforbadethis.Theypackedhiminwithadullanddepressing
"religious"ceremony.

"IamtheResurrectionandtheLife,"intonedaprimatewithhiscollaronbackward.
Nobodyknewwhatthehellthatmeant,ifanything,buttheytriedtofeelbetterwhenthey
heardit.

AtthetimeBennywasburiedawindowwasherwasatworkontheseventeenthfloorof
theMorganGuarantyTrustat23WallStreet.Hewasanexpertlipreaderandknew
moreofthesecretsofWallStreetthananybodyoutsidetheIlluminati.Infact,the
secondreasonhehadbecomeawindowwasherwastogetworkintheWallStreet
districtandpickupusefulinformation.

Themainreasonhehadtakenthejobwouldhavebeenevenmoreunnervingto
MorganGuarantyhadtheyknownaboutit.ThewindowwasherwasamemberofPurity
ofEssenceandhadalreadymanagedtoplace333homemadenuclearweaponson
ledgessohighnobodybutapigeonwaseverlikelytoseethem.

AlloftheweaponsweresettogooffatasignalfromthePOEcomputeranother
homemadecontraptionbutawesomelyefficient.POEwasfullofsciencegradswhohad
droppedoutofthecareergameinhorrorandrevulsionattheusestowhichscience
wasbeingputintheiruniverse.AtthispointPOEhadtwentyeightAmericancities
mined.Thewindowwasherhopedthat,whenpushcametoshove,POEwouldn'thave
todetonatemorethanoneofthosecities.Hewasanaltruist,likeeverybodyelsein
PuritvofEssence.

TAKEWHATTHOUHAST

Takewhatthouhastandgiveittothepoor.
attributedtosomelonghaircommiefreak

TheletterwassentoutMay1,1984,totheNewYorkTimesNewsPost,theChicago
Sun,theLosAngelesTimesFreePress,NECNews,CBSNews,theWhiteHouse,Mae
Brussel,theBerkeleyBarb,KPFA,ABCNews,theLondonTimes,ZodiacNews
Service,TheChristianScienceMonitor,theArchdiocesesofNewYork,Chicago,San
Francisco,andSt.Louis,theChurchofScientology,MarkLane,PaulKrassner,Dick
Gregory,ChaseManhattanBank,theBadAssBugle,theNihilistAnarchistHorde,
NormanMailer,and237miscellaneousotherinstitutionsandcelebrities.POEwantedto
besurethattheirmessagewouldgetouttothegeneralpublicwiththeminimumof
distortionbytheEstablishment.

Thelettersaid:

MayGodforgiveus.Mayhistoryjudgeascharitably.

Wehaveplacedtacticalnuclearbombsinover1,700locationsthroughouttheUnited
States.Thetargetsareallenemiesofthepeople:largebanks,multinational
corporations,governmentfacilities.Wewilltriggeroneofthesebombsatnoon
tomorrow,somewhereintheeasternUnitedStates,todemonstratethatwearenot
bluffing.

Alloftheothernuclearbombswillbetriggeredinsuccessionuntilourdemandsaremet.
Ifanyattemptismadetoapprehendandarrestusanyattemptatallalltheremaining
bombswillbedetonatedatonce.

Wedemand:

ThatPresidentFurbishLousewartimmediatelyconfiscateallfortunesaboveonemillion
dollars;

Thatthismoney,whichwecalculatemakesasumofapproximatelythreetrilliondollars,
bedistributedatoncetothefortymillionfamilies,whoare,accordingtothe
government'sownstandards,livingbelowthepovertyline,sothateachpoorfamily
receives$75,000;

Thatallgovernmentmoneypresentlyinvestedinweaponsofwarandpreparationsfor
warbeimmediatelyredirectedtoimprovingschools,homes,andhospitalsinpoor
neighborhoods,soastomakethemfitforhumanbeings;

ThatGeorgeWashingtonberemovedfromthedollarbillandreplacedbyWaltDisney's
MickeyMousetoremindpeopleforeveroftheidiocyofworshipingmoney.

Afinalwordofwarning:Wehavebeenworkingonthisprojectforsixteenyearsand
havethefullcapacitytodoallthatwesay.TheRevolutionofLoweredExpectationshas
beenamonopolist'sheavenandapoorpeople'shell.Weintendtochangethat.

POE

COLLAPSEOFTHESTATEVECTOR

Recordscanbedestroyediftheydonotsuittheprejudicesofrulingcliques,lostifthey
becomeincomprehensible,distortedifacopyistwishestoimposeanewmeaningupon
them,misunderstoodifwelacktheinformationtointerpretthem.Thepastislikeahuge
library,mostlyfiction.
henryford,NeuroHistory

Thedoorbellrang.

JosephineMaliksaid"Shit"quietlybutfervently.Shewascorrectingthegalleysofthe
secondprintingofherClitoralPoliticsandinterruptionswerenotwelcome.

Joapproachedthedoorwarily.Theregularlock,theboltlock,andthepolicelockwere
allinplace;theintruderwouldneedanaxtogetinifhewereoneofthe2,000,000
violentcriminalsamongthe20,000,000citizensofNewYorkin1984.

"Whoisit?"sheshoutedthroughthedoor.

"Ukraine."

"Who???"shescreamed.

"HughCrane,"camethevoice,louder."WemetataWildebloodpartylastDecember.
..."
"Goaway.Idon'tknowyouandI'mbusy."

"Thisisimportant.Thenovelwe'reiniscomingtoahorribleconclusion...."

"You'renuts.Goaway."Joturnedawayfromthedoorandwenttotheclosetforher
SaturdayNightSpecial,incasethismaniacdidhaveanax.

"Listentome,please,we'veonlygotafewminutes,"thevoiceshoutedthroughthe
door."MaybeyoucanalmostrememberthenameHagbardCeline.That'sthenameI
hadinthelastquantumetgenstate,thelastnovel,whenweworkedtogether...."

Jowenttothephone."Givemethepolice!"sheshouted,forgettingthatshewasn't
yellingthroughadooranymore.

Itwasthelastsentencesheeverspoke.

AtthatmomentManhattanIslandbecameanuclearfurnace.

PresidentLousewart,guidedbyIntelligenceAgenciesthathadcollectivelylistenedto
enough"private"conversationstobestoneparanoid,hadactedwithinminutesafterthe
POEletterarrivedintheWhiteHouse.TheUnistatgovernmentwouldnotbe
blackmailed.EvenbeforeTVcouldbroadcastthestoryofthethreat,over10,000,000
"radicals"andpossible"radicals"hadbeenplacedunderarrestcoasttocoast.Oneof
them,moreorlessaccidentally,hadbeenSylviaGoldfarbofPOE.

All1,700POEbombsdetonatedatonce.Unistatasanentityceasedtoexist.Nihilist
AnarchistHordesroamedwhatwasleftofthelandscape.

Twentythreehundrednuclearmissiles,computerguidedtofireifUnistatwerenuked,
tookoffatthefirstblastanddecimatedRussia.TheBeasthadbeenprogrammedby
IntelligenceAgencieswhowereallconvincedthatanynuclearattackwouldcomefrom
there.

TwentythreehundredRussianmissilestookoffthemomentthefirstUnistatmissile
enteredRussianairspace.TheyallwenttoChina.TheRussiancomputerhadalsobeen
programmedbyverydogmatic,veryinflexibleprimates;it"knew"thatanynuclearattack
wouldcomefromChina.

StarhawkwascomingoutofabaronGearywhenFriscowent.Hewasincinerated
beforehisbraincouldregisterthatanythingwashappening.

LionelEacher,longsincereturnedtoContractLaw,outlivedtheblast.Hehadbeenon
vacationinUpperMichiganandwaswellarmed,sincehehadbeenhunting.He
survivedbyhuntingandeatingothermammals,includingformerlydomesticated
primates,fornearlytwentyyears.

Thenanotherformerlydomesticatedprimate,evenquickerandslicker,huntedandate
Lionel.

MarkoffChaneyalsosurvived.HewasonaGreyhoundinFlorida,betweenMiamiand
Hollywood,whenthebombswentoff.HetooktotheEvergladesandeventuallyeven
foundamateaSeminolewomanwhodidn'tthinkhewasabsurdatall.

Theirtribeincreased.

Thetribalstageendured100,000years,asithadbefore.

Then,suddenly,whenenvironmentalconditionswereright,geneticprogramsreasserted
themselves.Thehiveinstinctreappearedintheprimates.Citiesappeared,sinandguilt
werereinvented,technologyadvanced.

Nuclearenergywasrediscovered,andmisusedagain.

Thetribalageendured12,000,000yearsthenexttime.

Then,suddenly,whenenvironmentalconditionswereright,geneticprogramsreasserted
themselves.Thehiveinstinctreappearedintheprimates.Citiesappeared,sinandguilt
werereinvented,technologyadvanced....

Thesixleggedmajorityknewlittleandcaredlessaboutallthisprimateactivity.They
hadsolvedalltheirsocialproblemsthreebillionyearsearlier,andsawnoneedto
change.TheyfollowedtheirownDNAcycles,justasmonotonouslyastheprimates
followedprimatecycles.

PARTONE

THEUNIVERSENEXTDOOR

Wedoctorsknowahopelesscasewhenlisten;there'sahellofagooduniversenext
door;let'sgo
E.E.CUMMINGS,"pitythisbusymonster,manunkind"

TOCROSSAGAIN

Theinfluenceofthesenseshaveinmenoverpoweredthethoughttothedegreethatthe
wallsoftimeandspacehavecometolooksolid;realandinsurmountable....Yettime
andspacearebutinversemeasuresofthepowerofthemind.Maniscapableof
abolishingthemboth.
ralphwaldoemerson

MaryMargaretWildebloodhadbeenbornorreborninNovember1983inJohns
HopkinsHospital.Theveryfirstsoundsheheardwasaradiointhenextwardplaying:

Godrestyemerrygentlemen
Letnothingyoudismay

Localizationwasgraduallydetermined:thisuniverse,thisgalaxy,thissolarsystem,this
planet,thishospital.Theyweresawingoffhispenis.
Yesindisputablynodoubtaboutittheyweresawingoffhispenis.Sevendwarfswithevil
grinsweredoingit.Thencomingallthewayoutoftheether,thishospital,thisbed,this
morninginNovember1983,EpiceneWildebloodknewatlastwhoSHereallywas.The
radiosangcheerfully:

RememberChristourSavior
Wasbornuponthisday

SHewasstillgiddyfromtheether,butthatwouldpass;meanwhiletheVoiceofDream
wasstilltalking,afussyoldprofessorlecturing:"Onequantumjumpawaytheideal
pretenceisRealPresence.AnSTtransformation.TheEnglishlanguagelimerickis
restrictedsothatacrosscarriedupahillisanisogamousbuttheessenceremainsthe
BodyandBloodofthefirstamoeba.Considerthefollowingexamplewhichsome
considerDonneandothersdescribeasoverdone:

QuothamerrieoldjudgenamedMagoo
'Perversions?Yea,I'vetriedafew
ButthebestIe'erballed
WereLeeHarveyOswald
Sevendwarfsandapinkcockatoo!'

"Itdoesn'tscan,"Wildebloodprotestedfeebly.

Agayswishofstarchedclothmovedqueerlyandanurse'sblandblondfaceappeared
lookingdownathir."Anythingthematter,dearie?"inaBrooklynaccent.

"Whatdayisit?"

"Wednesday.StillWednesday."Thenursespoke,astheyalwaysdoaftersurgery,asif
talkingtoanidiot.

Thedoctorrecrossedonhispegleg(butthatwasslippingbackintothedreamagain).

"CircumcisionisaJewishconspiracy.Hebititoff,onegreatCHOMP!!!andoffit
came,"Dr.Ahabwasranting."Iamthefeet'slieutenant.SprechenSieJoysbrick?"

Adangling"e"fellpastfromanotherbook.

Theywereopeningthecurtainstoletinsunlight.Thewhitewallwasahospitalwall.A
handathiswristtoldhirthatnowherpulsewasbeingtaken.

EpiceneWildebloodawakenedagain."I'mMaryMargaret,"hegaspedhappily,beached
ontheshoreofreality,castupfromtheoceanofdream.

"Yes,"saidtherealdoctor'svoice(hisnamewasGlopberger,notAhab),"theoperation
wasum100percentsuccessful.YouaremostcertainlyMaryMargaretnow."He
beamed,anartistproudofhiswork,yettentative,waitingfortheWork'sfirstlive
movement.

MaryMargaretWildebloodlookedaboutherattheNewWorld.ThisisJohnsHopkins
Hospital.Thisis1983.Everythingthatwentbeforewasjustanightmare.Iamalive.Iam
me.Iamfree.

"HowsoondoIgettheCurse?"shecried."WhendoIbecomearealwoman?"
Thinking:theBloodoftheLamb.Glopberger'spinkface,agape,wasyetanotherDisney
caricature,thewatersofunconsciousnesscallinghirhome.Home:backtothestars.
AndSHewent,shewent,intothegreatetherdrift,intothecosmicvoidagain,fromdina
shaurtoturbanbayinamichaelsonmorleyregurgitationtotheHawkfouledest
ConventioninElveron.YesafortyfouryearoldmalerisinglikeVenusonfoursoutof
thewavesbutaglowgleamingasinBotticelli:hirSelfsurprisedatthisastonishingly
femalebodyareallysuccessfulcrossingandonehandcreptassheslepttowardthe
cryptrestedtherehappyyes:itwastrue.Afemalebody.Shesnoredhoarsely.

AndDr.Glopberger,likeBaronFrankenstein,lookedonhisworkandsawthatitwas
verygood.Sofar.

MURPHY'SRELIGIOUS
IstillrecallvividlytheshockIexperiendedonfirstencounteringthismultiworldconcept.
Theideaof10100+slightlyimperfectcopiesofoneselfallconstantlysplittinginto
furthercopies...isnoteasytoreconcilewithcomonsense.
bryceS.dewitt"quantummechanicsandreality."PhysicsTodaySeptember,1970

TheyweresittinginaVWRabbitonMarketStreetinSanFrancisco.Themarquee
acrossthestreetstillsaidDEEPTHROATaftertwelveyears."Theynevergoingto
changethat?"Starhawkasked."EverybodyandhisbrotherbeentheretoseethatLinda
Lovelaceswallowpeckersbynow.Hell,everybodyandhisbrotherbeentheretwiceby
now."

"Shecouldswallowmypeckeranytime,"Mendozasaid.Mendozawasacop.

"Iseenafunnyonetheotherday,"Starhawksaid,startingtolaugh."Inthemen's
crapperinthearchaeologybuilding.'LindaLovelaceforPresidentitsaid.'Let'shavea
goodlookingcocksuckerintheWhiteHouse.'Collegekids."

"They'reallabunchoffagsthesedays,"Mendozatoldhimseriously."Fagsanddopers.
Andtheycalluspigs.Anyway,whatwereyoudoinginthearchaeologybuilding?"

"Iliketostudymypeople'shistory,"Starhawksaid."Therealawagainstthat?"

"Thefuck,"Mendozasaid,"Idon'tcarewhatyoudoonyoursparetime.Youmakeout
withthosecollegegirls?Don'ttellme,Iknow.Youmakeoutlikeabandit.You'rethe
greatestthingcomedownthepikesinceBurtReynolds,youare."

Starhawkstartedtocleanhisnailswithanattachmentonhiskeyring.

"Tellmeaboutthecoke."

"Murphownsmoregunsthanthearmygot,upinPresidio.He'sarealnutonguns.I
mean,it'syourasshecatchesyou.Hewon'tthinktwiceaboutit.Apoliceofficer
catchingaburglarinhisownhouse,it'syourass.Yougottounderstandthat."
"Dig,"Starhawksaid."It'salwaysmyass.Youthinkthere'sacribworthknockingover
theydon'thavegunsthesedays?Christ,there'sneverbeenabetterarmedcountry
sincewehadtheRevolution,iswhatitis.Evenlittleoldladies.EveninBerkeleyfor
Christ'ssake.Thisisnobusinessforanybodygotshakynerves,thesedays.College
professors,theirhousesarestackedwithenoughmunitionsforBlackPanther
headquarters.WhatIdon'tunderstandishowcomeeverybodyinthefuckingcountry
hasn'tbeenatleastwoundedbynow.Everybody'sevenmorecrazymadthantheyare
shitscared.It'slikeHighNoon.Youdon'thavetotellme,becareful.Iwasn'tcareful,I'd
beonedeadIndian."

"Sonofabitch,"Mendozasaidsuddenly,sittingup.

Starhawkwasalmoststartled."Huh?"

"Thatdog,"Mendozasaid."Youseethatsonofabitchshitrightonthesidewalk?They
dothatalloverthecity,theordinancedoesn'tmeanafuckingthing.Dirty,filthyanimals,
Idbanthemfromthefuckingcityentirely,Iwasmayor."

Yeah,"Starhawksaid."That'sourchiefproblemhere,dogsshittingonthestreet."

"Itain'tfunny,"Mendozasaid."Filthybastardsspreadallkindsofdiseases.Andyou
takeyourkidoutforawalkandthere'stwoofthemhumpingandthekidsays,'Daddy,
whatarethedoggiesdoing?'Whatareyougonnatellher,iswhatIwannaknow.Dirty,
filthyanimals."

"Yeah,butaboutMurphyandthisjob."

"Okay,okay,"Mendozasaid."I'mjusttellingyoudirtyfilthyanimalsshouldbebanned.
WithMurphyougottobeinandoutasslickandsneakyasapreacher'sprickinacow's
ass.Imean,helikesguns,morethanmostcops.Andhe'dloveanexcusetoshoot
you."

"Murphy?"Starhawkturnedinhisseat."MurphandI,weneverhadanybadfeelings."

"Well,okay,helovesthegroundyouwalkon.LikeallthehookersonPowellStreet,and
thehousewivesupinMarin,andthecollegegirlsnowtoo.Buthehateswhatyouare.
HehatesallminoritiesIndians,niggers,itdon'tmattertohim,he'sdemocraticaboutit.
Thefuck,hedoesn'tlikememuch,andwebeenpartnersgoingontenyearsthisMay.
Andhehatesburglarsespecially.AnIndianburglar,that'salmostasgoodtohimasa
niggerburglar.Yougottorealizethatwhenyougointhere."

"That'sahotone,"Starhawksaid,notlaughing."Thatreallyisahotone.Allthestuff
he'sfencedforme,andhehatesburglars.Thatreallyisgood.Nextthingyou'lltellmeis
theViceSquadhateshookers."

"Murphy'sreligious,"Mendozasaid."He'dlovetomakeholesinyou.That'swhatyou
gottounderstand."

"Supportyourlocalpolice,"Starhawksaid,"foramoreefficientpolicestate."

"Look,youonthiscaperoryoujustgoingtosithereandcrackwise?IcangetMarty
Malloy,youknow."

"You'rereligioustoo,"Starhawksaid."Iwentandmadefunofthedepartmentandnow
you'regoingtogetMalloy.Who'llfuckupthewholejobandyou'llbothbeupinQforthe
nexttwentyyears.Butatleasthewon'tcrackwiseaboutthedepartment.He'llleave
fingerprintsalloverthejoint,anddropthesnowinthebushesonhiswayout,andcrash
intoanOaklandP.O.cargoinghome,andthenleadthemrighttoyourfrontdoor,but
he'sgotproperrespectforthepolice,Malloy.Yeah,yougetMalloy."

"Look,noneedtobetouchy."Mendozawasingratiating."Iwantyou,Idon'twantMalloy.
Justlayoffthedepartment,isall."

"Okay,okay.Noneedforeitherofustogetantsy."Starhawksmiledlikeanactor."How
muchcokeyouthink?"

"LikeIsay,whoknows?Butit'sgottobearound500Gs.That'swhatAmatosaysand
he'sgoodatmakingestimateslikethat.SayAmatoiswrongforonceinhislife,sayit's
only300Gs,stillyoudon'tgethalfof300Gseverynightyougooutandknockovera
house."

"It'sbeautiful,"Starhawksaid."It'ssobeautifulitstinks.Acopwithacouplehundred
thouinhotcocaine,allIgottodoiswalkinandwalkout,he'llneverreportittoanyone.
That'sjustwhatbothersme.Murphycomeshomeandfindsitgone,he'sgoingtodo
something.Okay,hecan'tcallthecaptainandsay,'SomethiefjuststolethecocaineI
tookfromFreddyFuckerfasterwhenIbustedhim,beforeIcouldsellittoMaldonado.
Sendoverasquadcarrealquick.'That'swhathedon'tdo.So,okay,whatdoeshedo?
YouknowhimbetterthanIdo."

"Hegetsmadforaweek,andanybodywebustbetterwatchhisassorMurphwillturn
himovertowreckingcrew.That'sall.Whatthefuckcanhedo,yousee?There'sjust
nothingyoucandowhensomebodysnatchessomethingyoushouldn'thaveinthefirst
place.Especiallywhenyou'reacop."

'There'smeandMalloy,"Starhawksaid."AndfiveothersMurphknowsaswellasme.
AndtwoIcanthinkofthatMurphdoesn'tknowaboutyet.AndmaybetwothatIdon't
evenknow,let'ssay.That'slet'ssee,abouttenorelevenguyswhomighthavedoneit,
afterwards.TenorelevenreallygoodcatburglarsintheBayAreathatMurphywillcome
lookingfor,onewayoranother."

"So?Youhadadayinthelastfiveyearssomebodyontheforcewasn'ttryingtoputyou
away?"Mendozagrinned."OryouworriedthatMaldonadowillthinkthecoke'salready
hisandputthewholeCosaNostraontogettingitback?Balls.There'stenguysaround
herecoulddoit,likeyousay.AndtenmoremighthavecomeupfromL.A.andanother
tenfromVegasorChicagoorChristknowswhere.Yougoinasslickasyouusuallydo,
nobody'lleverhavealead.Murphy'llhaveapurplehardonforaweekorso,andI
wouldn'twanttobeanybodyhebuststhen,butthat'sallthat'llhappen,all.Youinoryou
out?"

"Wait.When'sMurph'snextdayoff?"

"Tomorrow.Why?"

"Somepeople,"Starhawksaid,"theyhadthiskindofmerchandise,they'dhideitsoyou
practicallygottotakethewallsdownonebyonebeforeyoufindit.Youknow?Caselike
that,youwanttosaveyourselfsometime,youwatchuntiltheyshowyouwhereitis."

"Hey,Murph'snodumbbell.Youthinkyou'retheInvisibleManorsomething?"
"It'sgottobetomorrow.Believeme,he'llneverseeme,butI'llseehim.Youwastoask
me,goingintodaybareass,beforeIcancasethehouse,wouldbethebestwaytoget
myballsinasling.ForallIknow,he'sgotafriendstakedoutthereforwhenhe'sat
work.AndIwaittillthedayaftertomorrow,whenhe'satworkagain,hemayhave
alreadysoldittoMaldonado.AmIrightoramIright?"

"Jeez."MendozaturnedtolookstraightatStarhawk."Yougoinginthere,withMurphat
home,Idon'tlikethatatall.WhatIdon'twantissomebodygetsdead,himoryou.That
happens,myassisgrassandthewholedepartmentisthelawnmower."

"Anybodyinthedepartmenteverlinkmetoakilling?Evensuspectme?Youknow
betterthanthat,Mendy.Idon'tgoinbareass,youknow.Already,Igotthreeplans."

"Thenyou'rereallyin."

"Oh,I'min."Starhawkstoppedcleaninghisnailsandreturnedthekeytotheignition."I
wouldn'tmissitfortheworld.TheonlythingIlikebetterthanstealingfromacopis
fuckingacop."

"Funny,"Mendozasaid."Remindmetolaughonmydayoff.Thatattitudeisgoingtoget
youinalotoftroublesomefineday,myfriend."

THEFIRSTFURBISHLOUSEWART

Youmusttakethebullbythetailandlookthefactsintheface.
W.C.fields

ThefirstFurbishLousewartwasaretainerontheGreystokeestateinEnglandinthe
thirteenthcentury.Hewasafoundling,thebastardoffspringofthelocalcurateanda
nunwho,oddlyenough,latertoldChaucerastoryheconsideredgoodenoughtoretell
inverse.ThenunwasalsothemodelforthePrioressintheearliestTarotdeckandher
basicfeaturesremainedevenafterthatcardbecametheFemalePopeand,later,the
HighPriestess.

LordGreystokenamedtheinfantFurbishLousewartbecausehelookedsodaintywhen
theyfoundhiminthemanger.FurbishLousewartwasasdaintyanameasyoucould
haveinMerrieEnglandinthosedays,beingthevernaculartermforherbapedicularis,a
mostlovelyflowerofthesnapdragonspecies.

FurbishLousewartgrewtomanhood,married,fatheredthreelegitimatechildrenand
diedintheThirdCrusade.Oneofhisillegitimatechildren,byLadyGreystoke,wasthe
onlyGreystoketosurvivethatCrusadeandcarriedontheGreystokeline,unknownto
hisbrothersandsisters,whocontinuedtheplebeianlineofLousewarts.

NOTHING

Everyonewhoisalawyermusteitherbementallydefectivebynatureorbeboundto
becomesointime.
furbishlousewartv,UnsafeWhereverYouGo

AndDr.Glopberger,likeFrankenstein,lookedonhisworkandsawthatitwasvery
good.Sofar.

Butthenurse,Ms.IdaPingala,returningalongthelongwhitehallpermeatedwithLysol
tothesnugwhitecubicleofthenurses'lounge,seatedherselfsmoothingthestarched
whitehemofherskirtoverherpalewhitekneesandpunchednumbersquickandneat
onthephoneconsole,whitekeysonwhiteplasticthecolorlessallcolorofantiseptic
sterility.

"Ubu,here,"cametheVoiceinherear.
"Roy.It'sIda."Ms.Pingalawasequallycrisp.

Soundsofcaninepanting;Roywasalwaysacutup.

Ms.Pingalalaughedmerrily."Tonight?"sheasked.

Soundsoflouder,morepassionatepanting.

Shegiggledagain."Yourplaceormine?"

"Yours.YouknowhowtheBureauis...."

"Eightish?"

"Nineish,tobeonthesafeside.Allhellisbreakinglooseagain."

"Nineish,then.Youdevil."

Morepanting.

"Ohyoudevilyouwildmanyouanimal."

"Nineishgottogonowloveyoubye."

RoyUbu,inWashington,*hangsupandglancesathiswristwatch.Timeforthemeeting
withBabbit.

*TerranArchives2803:WashingtonwasthecapitalcityofUnistat.Itwasgoverned
ostensiblybyabaseballteamcalledtheSenators,butbythetimeofourstoryreal
controlhadfallenintothehandsoftheFBIandtheBeast.

AlistlessSantaClausdingdonginghisbellwithemptyjunkieeyesaslightsnowfellin
sparsecrystals,notstickingtothesidewalk,butabitingWashingtonwindstingsUbu's
eyesasheleavestheFBIoffice,turninguphiscollartoslouchhandsdeepinpocketto
hiscar.ShiftingfromfirstgearintosecondturningupPennsylvaniaAvenuethe
snowflakesgrowingthickerandheavierashedrives,snapsonthecarradio.
andsothesecondblackuprisinginMiamihasendedinflameandtragedy.In
Washington,PresidentLousewartismeetingthismorningwiththeStentorian
Ambassadortodiscussbalanceofpaymentsamidamoodofcautiousoptimism.
ParentsinBadAss,Texas,continuetokeeptheirchildrenoutofschoolinthebitter
disputeoverbiofeedbacktraining.SchoolSuperintendentB.S.Curve,stillhospitalized
fromthebombblastwhichdestroyed

UbuparkscarefullywithneatprecisionflashinghisIDattheSecretServicemantobe
passedquicklyintotheWhiteHouseoverthickcarpetsunderbrilliantchandelierstothe
ofFiceofMountbattenBabbit,scientificadvisortothePresident:abaldandovoidhead
withimpatientlypiercingeyesthatscannedfortheexactmeasurementandtheprecisely
calibratednumber.

"Thisahisaverydelicatematter,"Babbitbeganatonce."WegiveitanUrgentrating
butatthesametimewedonotwishtoalarmthepublicyouunderstandthewhole
investigationmustbecarriedonwithkidglovesastheysayThePresidentHimselfhas
instructedmetomakeitcleartoyou,tomakeitabsolutelyclear,thatnoleakswillbe
toleratednoleakswhatsoeveroraverybigaxwillfallonthewholeBureauaverybigax
haveImademyselfclear?"

"Yessirabsolutelysir."

"Good.Now,haveyounoticedacertainahacertaindeclineinAmericanscienceand
technologyinrecentyearsawitheringawayoftalentandoriginalitysotospeak?"

"WellsirlawismybackgroundyouknowsirIwouldn'tknowatesttubefromabevatron
sir...."

"Thedeclinehasbeenacceleratingandisbecomingcriticalinsomerespects,critical."

"Yessirbutsowhatsiralotofscienceisclassifiedasnonecandnotverypopularwith
theAdministration."

Babbit'seyeswerescanningUbuwithoutwarmth."Youthinkitispossibletodrawa
hardlineasharpboundarybetweenecscienceandnonecscience?"
"WellofcoursesirPresidentLousewarthimselfisalwayssaying..."

"I'mnottalkingaboutAdministrationrhetoricMr.UbuIamtalkingaboutreality.Could
youdrawsuchalineandsaythisisecresearchandthisisnonec?"

"WellsirIdon'tgetinvolvedinpoliticsIinvestigateandfindoutthefactsandthat'smy
jobsiradministrativedecisionsarenotourbusinessattheBureau."

"Thereisnodifferencebetweenecandnonecscience,"Babbitsaidwithicy
deliberation."IwillneversaythatinpublicaslongasIampartoftheAdministrationyou
understandthePresidenthasarighttoexpectloyaltyfromMembersoftheTeamof
coursebutItellyouinprivateecandnonecaretermsintheologyinmetaphysicsin
valuejudgment,theyhavenothingtodowithscience.It'sallasabsurdassayingsome
researchischocolateandsomeisvanillaandthechocolateisbetterthanthevanilla."

"YessirIunderstandyousiryouhavemywordI'llneverrepeatanyofthissir."

"GoodnowofficiallytheAdministrationonlywishestodiscouragenonecsciencebutin
factwearesufferingadrasticadangerouspossiblyalethaldeclineinallscienceright
acrosstheboard..."

"Butsirisn'tthatwhatPresidentLousewartstandsfor?Tighteningourbelts,thesimple
ruggedlifeofourpioneerancestors,loweredexpectations..."

Youdamnedfoolwe'renottalkingaboutpoliticalspeecheswe'retalkingaboutthe
realitiesofsurvival."Uhyessiryes."

"Survivaldammitsurvival."

ButquantumlyinseparablefromUbunurseIdaPingalapeeksintotheWildebloodroom
toseeifthepatientissleepingcomfortably(alwaysgottobecarefulwiththeserich
bitchesespeciallythetypeswegethereinTranssexualitySurgeryratherbebackin
obssohelplessandadorabletheyareevenifsomeofthemothersshouldn'tberaising
kittensmuchlesshumans)andleansfixingthehemonherskirtasthefigureinthebed
gurglesahalfsnoremutter"Master...escape..."
Anotherquantumjump:

"Onehundredthirtytwo?"Uburepeated.

"ThosearethefiguresthatcameoutoftheBeast,"Babbitsaidevenly."Onehundred
thirtytwoofthetopscientificmindswho'veleftgovernmentsincetheecprogramswere
implementedarenotworkingforprivateindustry,teachingatuniversities,oranywhere
elsetobefound."

SEX,STATUS,SUCCESS

Itmayhavebeencoincidenceorsynchronicityorthequantuminseparabilityprinciple
(QUIP),buttheverysamedaythatEpiceneWildebloodbecameMaryMargaret
WildebloodinBaltimoreandBabbitbriefedRoyUbuontheBrainDrainmysteryin
Washington,BlakeWilliamswasteachingaclassatColumbiaandHugodeNaranja
wasastudentinit.SinceHugowasthefirsthumanbeingwhoeversawtheCat,he
shouldhavebeenpayingcloseattentiontoWilliams,butinfacthewasapoetandfeltit
hisdutytobeboredbyallthesciences.Hugowouldsettleforagentleman'sCin"The
AnthropologyfQuantumPhysics."HugowasaSantariainitiate,thethirdexhusband
ofCarolChristmas,and(althoughhedidn'tknowit)heworkedforHassaniSabbahX.

"Itwasn'tEinstein,"Williamswasdroningalong,"anditwasn'tevenHeisenbergordear
oldSchrdingerwhodrovethelastnailinthecoffinofcommonsense.ItwasJohnS.
Bell,whopublishedhismemorableTheoremin1964,nearlytwentyyearsago,"and
blahblahblah.Hugowasmoreinterestedintheassofthegirlintherowaheadofhim.
Hewantedbothhishandsonthatass.Hewantedherthighsaroundhiswaist.He
wantedhiscockwayupinsideherhotWhiteProtestantpussy.ScrewingLatinogirls
rated0inhisbook(thatwasonlysex),screwingJewishgirlswas5(thatwasStatus),
butscrewingaWhiteProtestantgirlwas10pointsandagoldstar(thatwasSUCCESS).
Williamscontinuestotransmittoblankboredfaces:

"Bell'sTheorembasicallydealswithnonlocality.Thatis,itshowsthatnolocal
explanationcanaccountfortheknownfactsofquantummechanics.UmperhapsI
shouldclarifythat.Alocalexplanationisonethatassumesthatthingsseemingly
separateinspaceandtimearereallyseparate.Um?Yes.Itassumes,thatistosay,that
spaceandtimeareindependentofourprimatenervoussystems.DoIhaveyour
attention,class?

ButBellisevenmorerevolutionary.Heoffersustwochoicesifwetrytokeeplocality,
andifthereareanystudentsinthisclasswhoareseriouslyinterestedinthesubjectthis
wouldbeagoodtimetotakeafewnotes.Um.Firstchoice:wecanabandonquantum
mechanicsitself.Thatofcoursemeansinescapablythatweabandonatomicphysics
andaboutthreequartersofeverythingwetallscience.Um.Nowwereallydon'twantto
giveupquantummechanicssolet'slookatchoicetwo.Wegiveupobjectivity.Well,
that'snottoogreatasacrificeforthoseofuswhohavealreadygivenupsweetsand
malesuperiorityandhahafaithintheintegrityofgovernmentorevencigarettes.We
cangiveupobjectivity.Ahhhyesbutthetroubleis...YesMr.Naranja?"

"Eesthisgoanbeontheexaminationsir?"

"Noyouneedn'tworryaboutthatMr.Naranjawewouldn'tdreamofaskinganything
hardontheexaminationIbelievethelastexaminationwithahardquestiongivenatthis
universitywasinasurveyofmathematicscoursein1953yesMr.Lee?"

"Ispossibrethatquantumconnectionisnotimmediateandunmitigated?Thenperhaps
wetakechoiceoneandgiveupnotquantummechanicsitselfbutmerelymodifythe
quantumconnectioninasensethatitissomewaysirmediateormitigated,doesthat
seempossibresir?"

"AhMr.LeehowdidyoueverlandatthisuniversitytherearetimesIsuspectyouof
actuallyseekinganeducationbutI'mafraidinthiscaseyourcannyintellecthasrun
aground.RecentexperimentsbyClauserandAspectshutthatdoorforever.The
quantumconnectionisimmediate,unmitigated,andImightsayomnipresentasthe
ThomistGod."
"So.Youtellus,ProfessorWilliams,howmanytimesCrauser'sexperimenthasbeen
verified?"

Jinglebells,jinglebells,
Jinglealltheway

Rebirth,Wildebloodwasdeciding,ismessierthanfirstbirth,despiteoldAugustineand
hismediafeceseturinetrip...howmuchhehadwantedtobeAnnetteHaveninthe
clusterfucksceneinChinaGirl:onecockinHermouth,oneinHersnatch,oneineach
hand:ah,Wildeblood,'twereparadiseenow.Buttherealityofit,theadjustmentstobe
made:

Sitdownwhenyouwanttopee
Sitdownwhenyouwanttopee
Sitdownwhenyouwanttopee

SHewaswritingitoutahundredtimes,toavoidmakingthatmistakeagain.Egoismuch
moreabodyimagethanshehadknown.Psychologically,shewasandrogynous
WoMan,theBaphometidol;physically,shehadtositdowntopee.

Ohwhatfunitistoride

ButRoyUbu,backatFBIheadquarters,wasalreadybriefingafivemanteamonthe
braindrainmystery.

"Youmean,"SpecialAgentTobiasKnightasked,"we'resupposedtofind132missing
scientistswithoutlettinganybodyknowthatthereare132missingscientistswe're
lookingfor?Isthatit?"

"ThePresidentHimself,"UbupronouncedinBabbit'sfrigidtones,"givesthisprojectTop
Priority."

"Inotherwords,it'simpossiblebutyouwantustodoit,anyway,"Knighttranslated.
"Nowthat'senoughdefeatism,Toby,let'sgettoworkandbelieveinourselvesandby
Christabustedflushcanwinwhentheguysbehindithavetheballsforit....Now,
here'sthenamesinalphabeticalorder.One:Dr.GeorgeWashingtonCarverBridge,
soundslikeaspade,graduateMiskatonicUniversity;itsayslastworkedforthe
governmentonProjectCyclopsinthelateseventies.Two:Dr.CharlesChance,
nicknameFat,graduateMiskatonic,alsolastworkedforthegovernmentonCyclops.
Three..."

THESECONDFURBISHLOUSEWART

Amanwithonewatchknowswhattimeitis.Amanwithtwowatchesisneversure.
segal'slaw

PercyLousewartwasbornintheOhioRiverValleyin1866andbythenLousewartwas
nolongerconsideredaeuphoniousname.HisChristiannamedidn'thelp,eventhough
hismotherhadpickeditduetoherfervent,almosterotic,admirationforShelley.She
mightaswellhavenamedthepoorladCissy.EverytimeheintroducedhimselfasPercy
Lousewart,somebullyorotherfeltcompelledtomakeawittyremark,andafight
usuallyfollowed.EventuallypoorPercydecidedtochangehisnameandwenttoseean
educatedman,alawyer,abouthavingthejobdonelegally;healsowantedsomeadvice
onchoosingabetter,morepopulartitle.Thelawyer,alas,wasmorethanerudite;he
wasabibliomaniac,analcoholicscholar,andthekindofcrankwhodelightsinwriting
letterstotheBritannicacorrectingtheirerrors.HetoldPercyallabouttheFurbish
Lousewartplantandevenshowedhimapictureofone.Hewaseloquentonthesubject,
andhispassionwascontagious.PercyLousewarthadhisnamechangedonlyto
FurbishLousewartandtookhislumpsastheycame.HisfirstsonwasnamedFurbish
LousewartIIandatraditionwasbegun.

MALLOYDON'TSING

Thevariablesvarytoomuchandtheconstantsaren'tasconstantastheyseem.
finagle'sfifthfundamentalfinding

"Thefuck,"Malloysaid."Whereyougetanidealikethat?Idon'tsing,Ineversing.
Who'sbeenhandingyouthatshit?"

ItwasasmallfurnishedroomonTaylorStreetintheSanFranciscotenderloin.Asign
outsidethewindowadvertisedanestablishmentonthegroundfloor,

LesNuitsdeParisMassage.

Starhawksaid,"Marty,IknowthreeguysupinFolsombecauseofyou.They'renot
sure.Eachoneofthem,hesaysitmightofbeenyou,itmightofbeentwootherguys.
I'msure.Imakeitapointofhonortobesureaboutthingslikethat.Youpickup$20
herefromMendoza,$15therefromMurphy,andyoutellthemwhatyouthinktheywant
tohear,mostlycrap.Tokeeptheminterested,yougivethemaliveonenowandthen,
somebodyyoudon'tlike.Youandtwentyotherguysinthistown.Don'tcrapme,Marty.
I'mheretomakemoneyforyou,nottogiveyouahardtimeaboutit."

Malloysaid,"You'recrazy.Youshouldgoseeapsychiatrist.Youmustofbeenbackon
thereservationeatingpeyoteagain.Idon'tknowwhatthefuckyou'retalkingabout."

"Okay,"Starhawksaid."You'resmart,Marty.You'resodamnedsmartyoudon'tadmit
anything,evenwhentheotherguyknowsmoreaboutitthanyoudo.Myass.You'reso
damnedsmartyou'restupid,iswhatyouare."

Malloystartedtogetup.

"Sitdown,"Starhawksaid."Ikeeptellingyou,I'mnotheretogiveyouahardtime.
Listentome,Marty,justaminute.I'vegotacenturythat'snotdoinganything,andit's
yours."Heopenedhiswalletandlaida$100billonthetable."Now,dowetalkaboutits
fourbrothers,andwhatyoudotogetthem,ordoyougoonshittingmeuntilIgooutthe
doorandfindanotherguythattalkstocops?"

Themassagesignbelowthewindowflickeredonoff,onoff.

"SupposeIdoit,"Malloysaid."Imean,I'mnotadmittinganything,butsupposejustthis
onceIgotalktoTheMurph.WhatIgottoknowis,whoseassisinthesling,whogoes
up?Youunderstand,Idon'twantsomebodycomeslookingformefromtheSyndicate."

"Nobodygoesup,that'sthebeautyofit,"Starhawksaid."You'rejustgoingtotellMurph
aboutaguygotintodayfromL.A.He'sheretodoajobforMaldonado,see,andhegot
drunkandstartedshootingoffhismouthabouthowfunnyitwas,theguyhecametodo
thejobonisacop."

"Jesus,"Malloysaid.Themassagesignflickeredoffandonagain."Don'ttellme,letme
guess.Starhawk,themanofbronze,twoballsofcastironandnomorebrainsthana
hamster.Yougotitinyourheadit'scophuntingseasonandyou'regoingtoshootoneof
them.AndtheytrustgoodoldMartyMalloysomuchthey'llspendalltheirtimelooking
foranimaginaryhitmanfromL.A.,justbecausegoodoldMartytellsthemso.Itakeit
allback.Youdon'tneedapsychiatrist,youneedanewbrain."

"Don'tgetyourbowelsinanuproar,"Starhawksaid."It'snotthatkindofjob.It'sjusta
heist."

"What'sthiscopgot,somebodycomesallthewayfromL.A.toheistit?Thecrown
jewels?"

Starhawkraisedhisfingerstohisnoseandmadeasniffingmotion.

"Jesus,Mary,andJoseph,"Malloysaid."Thiscop,whathe'sgotisabagofsnow,sohe
won'tbetalkingtoanybodyelseinthedepartmentwhenitturnsupmissing.Igotto
handittoyou,kid.Nobodycouldhavesetthisupforyoubutanothercop.Thefuck,it
wouldhavetobehispartner.Who'spissedbecausehedidn'tgethishalf,right?"
"Don'tthinkaboutthat,youmightgetsoexcitedyou'lltalkaboutitinyoursleep.The
thingis,youjustgottotellMurphaboutthisSyndicategunfromL.A.andhowfunnyhe
thinksitis,thatthiscrookedcopistryingtosellsomehotsnowtoMaldonado'sboys
andtheyjustwentandbroughtupthisgorillatotakeitfromhim,nodownpayment,no
monthlyinstallments,forfree."

Malloywasgrinningbroadly."Murph'llshit,"hesaid."He'llabsolutelyshitabrick."

"Yeah,"Starhawksaid."Ikindofthinkhewill.Youlikeit?"

"Kiddo,"Malloysaid,"ifIwasn'tsobrokethisweek,I'ddoitfree.Justtowatchhim
tryingnottolooklikethecopI'mtellinghimabout.Thefatprick."

"Isortoffiguredyou'dlikeit,"Starhawksaid."Me,theonlythingIregretisIcan'tbe
theretoseehisfacemyself."

"Yeah,"Malloysaid."Thefatprick."

ISVLADASYMBOL?

Aclassmadeupsolelyofintellectualswillalwayshaveaguiltyconscience.
furbishlousewartV,UnsafeWhereverYouGo

"Defection?"UbusuggestedatthesecondconferenceontheBrainDrain."Russiaor
China..."

"TheCIAwasthefirstagencyintothis,"Babbitsaid,"andtheysayit'simpossible.They
knowwhatcolordrawerseverycommissarwearsthesedayswiththelatestsurveillance
techniques.OnehundredthirtytwotopAmericanscientistsarenotworkingoverthere
unknowntotheCIA.Takethatasaxiomatic."Babbitwasfirm.
"WellthereareonlytwelvepeopleinHOME...."

"Theyhaven'tlefttheplanet,"Babbitsaidbriefly."Peopleofthatcaliberdonottravel
aboutwithoutsomebodynoticingIntelligence,newspapers,TV,otherscientists,
somebody.Itisasiftheyhavecrawledintoaholeanddraggedthegroundinafter
them."Hischaircreakedscreeeeasheleanedforwardforemphasis.

"Hell,they'renotlooseinsidethecountrysir,"Ubusaidfirmly."Americanscan'tjust
disappearthesedays.Whytocashacheckanykindofcheckyou'vegottowriteboth
yourSocialSecuritynumberandyourGWBnumberandhavethembothscannedby
theBeast.Sirthere'sneverbeenapeoplebetterwatchedandprotectedthanthe
AmericanpeopleofNovember1983.Andweexpecttodoevenbettersirwhenthenew
circuitsareputintheBeastnextmonth."

He'sgonnafindoutwho'snaughtyornice

Butthesnowfallsthicker,makingablanketoffoamagainstthewindowofBabbit's
officeandpilesagainstthedoorofTheUpstartCrowbookstoreoffDupontCircleacross
town,whereMarvinGardensisautographingcopiesofVladVictorious.

"InevergotarealliveautographfromarealliveauthorMr.Gardenstellmewhydidyou
writetwobooksaboutamanlikeVlad?"

"Tomakemoney,"MarvinsaidinhisPeterLorrecokeheadvoice.Hehadpreparedfor
theordealoftheseventeenthautographpartyintwentythreedaysbysnortingmore
thanhisusualmorningquantityofthesnowandwasinnomoodtoconcealhisdivinity
fromtheblinduncokedEarthlings."Ihavealwaysbeenpossessedbyamad,
passionate,almosteroticdesireforaverylargebankaccount.Infact,Ilovethefeelof
moneythecrispcrinkleofbillsthemetalsolidityofcointhevisualimpactofalarge
checkwithsevenfigures,"

"IsittrueJohnWaynewillplayVladagaininthesequel?"

"That'sjustinthetalkingstagenowandfranklyIdon'tcareiftheycastRaquelWelch
theimportantthingiscashonthebarrelheadmyagentisaskingamillionforthescreen
rightsandwewon'tsettleforapennyless...Yes?"

"IsVladreallyasymbol?"

OcomeletusadoreHim
OcomeletusadoreHim

ThetwelvepeopleinHOMEHighOrbitalMiniEarthwereconstructionengineers,six
maleandsixfemale.Theyhadoriginallybeensenttheretobuild,withmaterialsshipped
fromLunarMining,HOMEII,aspacevillagefor10,000occupants.Thisprogramhad
beencanceledas"nonec"byPresidentLousewartandthetwelvecolonistsrestrictedto
"ec"research,mostlyastronomical,whichPresidentLousewartturnedovertohis
astrologersforamysticalinterpretation.

HOMEwaslocatedintheareacalledLibrationPoint5,wherethegravitationalfieldsof
LunaandTerrawereequallybalanced.Thisnullgravityareahadbeenmathematically
discoveredbytheastronomerLagrangeandwasthereforesometimescalledthe
LagrangeArea.Thenameforthespacetown,HOME,hadbeencoinedbypsychologist
TimothyLearyin1977.

AfriendofLeary'snamedRobertAntonWilson,whowroteoverlycomplicatednovels,
hadsuggestedateamsongforthecolonists,"HOMEonLagrange."Topopularizethis
idea,hehadwrittenlettersaboutittomanyspaceresearchgroupsandincludeditina
novelcalledTheTrickTopHat.Still,by1984,thesonghadn'tcaughtonwiththetwelve
colonists.TheywerenotathomeonLagrangebecausetheyfearedthatthewhole
projectwouldsoonbeclassifiedas"nonec"andtheywouldbedraggedbacktothe
wombplanet.

ULYSSESATHOME

MydogunderstandsperfectlyeverythingIsaytohim.Iamtheonewhodoesnot
understand.
furbishlousewartV,UnsafeWhereverYouGo

MaryMargaretWildeblood'spartiesweretheplacetogothatwinterbecauseofthe
penileadornmentabovethemantelpiece.SomeevenbegantosuspectthatWildeblood
hadundergonethetranssexoperationonlytoengageinthemostflagrantexcessof
exhibitionisminworldhistory.

Thiswasanuncharitableoversimplification.Wildeblood'smindwasvast,notsimple,
andhadmorekinksthanaPollackpainting;SHewasnotdeep,butwideandcomplex.
SHeactuallyintendedtobecomeanun.WhenSHequotedfromthegospelofhiryouth,
"Humilityisendless,"SHereallymeantit.Submissionwassalvation;andwhoismore
submissivethananun?Aboveall,SHelongedtoembracetheLamb,allwoollyand
fleecyandpure,butverydefinitelyhornedandRamsignedwithPentecostalfire.SHe
hadthehotsforDivineintercourse.WhereNatalieDrestwasmerelycockmad,Mary
MargaretWildebloodwaspossessedbythegodPriapus.

Theideaofmountingand,sotospeak,enshriningUlyssesoccurredtoMaryMargaret
atherveryfirstreceptionafterreturningfromJohnsHopkins.

Benny"Eggs"Benedictstarteditbysuggesting,"NormanMailermighttrytoget
revengeforsomeofyourreviewsbyrapingyou."

"Letthemalechauvinistpigtryit,'MaryMargaretsaiddemurely."I'vebeenstudying
kungfu."

"Oh,areyouplanningtojoinWomen'sLib?"JustinCaseinquired.

"Ihavegivenitsomethought,"MaryMargaretreplied,practicinghernewsimpery
MarilynMonroesmileandpositivelyrevelinginthefeelofthenylonsonhis,nodammit
her,thighs.

"JUSTAGODDAMMINUTE,"aboomingmasculinevoicecutin.ThiswasJosephine
Malik,chairpersonofGod'sLightninganoutfitlongsuspectedofterroristfirebombings
againstpornymoviehouses,adultbookstores,andothersexistenterprises.Jowasan
ideologicaldescendantofthosewhothoughtcopulationwasbadforthecrops."Idon't
knowaboutliblabwishywashygroupslikeNOW,"shewenton,"butGod'sLightning
certainlyisn'tacceptinganymemberswhoweren'tbornfemale."

"Oh,now,"aflutyfemininevoiceintervened"Figs"Newton,spokespersonforthe
NecrophileLiberationFront,sportingalapelbuttonthatsaid,OUTOFTHE
MAUSOLEUMS,INTOTHESTREETS."That'shardlyfair,"hepronouncedlikemost
Terrestrials,heregardedhimselfasanexpertonmorality."Peoplearewhattheymake
themselves,"hesaid,goodExistentialistthathewas."Toholdtheaccidentsofbirth
againstthemispracticallyracism,isn'tit?"

Thisledtosomelivelydebate,anditwasfinallydecidedthattoholdtheaccidentof
genitaliaatbirthagainstsomebodywasdefinitelynotracism,butmightbesexism,or
possiblygenderism.JosephineMalik,meanwhile,smoldered.

"Well,"shesaidfinally,"God'sLightningisnotinfluencedbyallthisbaroquecivilrights
andcivillibertieshorseshitoutoftheeighteenthcentury.Accordingtosemantics,
peopledon'thaverights;theyjustmakedemandsandcallthemtheirrights.It'spurelya
pragmaticproblem.Ifweletthispersonin,what'stopreventothermenfromhackingoff
theirprongs,infiltratingourranks,andsubvertingourwholeorganization?"

Thiswasaposer,admittedly;andwhiletheassembledcompanygrappledwithit,
Josephinedeliveredhercrusher:"Besides,there'salotofdoubtabouthowcomplete
theseoperationsare.HowdoweknowMs.Wildebloodisinallrespectsatruewoman
andnotjustatruncatedman?"

MaryMargaretWildeblood,whohadamindsomewhatbizarreevenforthetwentieth
century,hadbeenwaitingforsuchanopportunity."IcancertainlyproveI'mnotaman,"
shesmiledsweetly,anddrewUlyssesoutofherpurse.Althoughtwomenfaintedonthe
spot,thewomenmerelyblinked,atleastatfirst.Thensomeofthembegantotitter.

ThusbeganthegreatWildebloodscandaleofthatwinter.Shehadmaliciouslysavedthe
relicofherpreviousmasculinitywiththethoughtthatitmightprovokesomesortof
spontaneousGroupEncountersessions,andnowsheknewshehadthepotentialfor
sometrulymemorableFreakouts.Therelicwasplacedinthehandsofaskilled
taxidermistandsoonemerged,inanaturallookingerectstate,handsomelymountedon
aredwoodplaque.ThishungoverthemantelpieceofherposhSuttonPlaceapartment,
andthereshebegantoholdpartiestowhichwereinvited(alongwiththeusualNew
YorkVIPs)preciselythosepersonsmostlikelytobeneurologicallygalvanizedbythe
sightofapeniswithoutaman,whichisconsiderablymorememorablethan
mathematicianDodgson'sgrinwithoutacat,althoughperhapsnotasmemorableas
physicistSchrdinger'scat,whowasdeadandaliveatthesametime.

BlakeWilliamsbecamearegularatthesesoirees,andoftenretiredsneakilytothe
kitchentomakenotes,whichlaterresultedinascholarlyarticle,"PriapismRecrudes
cent:HellenicReligioninaSecularContext."The"ithyphalliceidolon,"asheinsistedon
callingMs.Wildeblood'sobscenejoke,seemedtoproducemarkedlydifferenteffectson
variouspersonalitytypes.Onefootballplayer,forinstance,hadtoberemovedina
straitjacket.Strangelyenough,certainshy,timid,andstoopshoulderedmentookitallin
theirstride,quiteasifWildeblood'sbrutallyexplicitrejectionofmasculinityreinforced
theirownloosegripuponthat(afterall)somewhatmysticalestate.TheGayset
developedasuperstition,almostamystique,andthetraditionof"kissingitforgood
luck"wasevenjokedabout,obscurely,incertainnewspapercolumns.("Anewreligion,
ofwhichLindaLovelacemightalmostbetheprophet,isnowsweepingtheWayOut
People,allthewayfromFiftyseventhStreettoSt.Mark'sPlace.")

WHY?

Whyme,OLord?
ancientprimatequestion

"IsaidFUCKTHEBLOODYCAPITALISTS,"theCaliforniawriterwashowlingamidthe
groupatthemantelpiece,belowtheithyphalliceidolon.

"Motherveryeasilymadeajamsandwichusingnopeanuts,mayonnaise,orglue,"
BlakeWilliamswasrecitingpatientlytoNatalieDrest.
"TV,publishing,movies,everywheretheextraterrestrialshavetakenover,"Marvin
GardenswaswarninginhispassionatePeterLorreintonation.

BennyBenedictsuddenlyhadenoughoftheWildebloodhighIQset.Hewanderedout
onthebalcony,tolookatthestarsandwonder,halfdrunkenly,whyhewasso
depressed.

Afterthreeyearsthequestionstillcametohimwhenhehadtoomuchboozeaboard:
Whyme?

Whichwasselfishandmaudlin.Therealquestionshouldbe:Whymymother?

Or,moretothepoint:Whyanybody?

Theworldmustbemad,thatwegoonlivinglikethis,andtolerateit.Theprimordial
jungleswereprobablylessdangerousthanthestreetsofanycityinUnistat.Wasthis
theresultantofthelongstruggleupwardfromthecavesaworldmorefrightening,more
fullofhatredandviolence,morebloodythanthedaysofthesabertooth?

EverytimeIlookattheTVnewsatseven,hethoughtmiserably,Iendupfeelingthis
waybeforemidnight.It'salmostasifthey'reafraidsomebodymighthaveaflickerof
hopeoragoodopinionofhumanity(atleastinpotential)orabriefmomentofdelusory
security.Everynight,topreventsuchunrealisticmoods,theyhavetoremindusthatthe
violenceandbrutalityisstillcontinuing.

Withashock,Bennydiscoveredthathewasweepingagain,silently,guiltily,privately.
Hehadthoughthewaspastthat.

Somuchforboozeasatranquilizer.

Hefoughtagainstit.Itwasselfindulgence,disguisedselfpityactually.Hedabbedhis
eyesandtriedtothinkofsomethingelse.Ommanipadmehum,Ommanipadmehum.
..

"Nicenight."AnUnidentifiedManhadwalkedoutontothebalcony.
"Youdon'tfeelthesmoguphere,"Bennysaid,embarrassed,wonderingifhehadgotten
ridofthelasttearbeforethisstrangerhadseenhim.

TheUnidentifiedManlookedupatthestars,smilingslightly.Hewasgoodlooking
enoughtobeanactor,Bennythought,andatsecondglancehedidlookremotely
familiar,asifhisfacehadbeeninthenewspaperssometime."Thestars,"hesaid,"don't
theygettoyou?"

Bennylookedup."IusedtothinkI'dlivetoseepeoplegothere,"heconfessed,
suddenlysurehehadmetthismansomewherebefore,alongtimeago."Notlikelywith
LousewartleadingusbacktotheStoneAge."

"You'renonec,"themansaid,inmockaccusation.

"Guilty,"Bennyreplied,realizingthatthismanwasremarkablyeasytotalkto."Ithink
thatifweusedmoreofourbrains,we'dbeabletocreateaworldwherepeoplewould
havearighttoHighExpectations."

"Hopelesslyreactionary,"themansaid,grinning."Youprobablystillreadscience
fiction."

"Guiltyagain,"Bennysaid.

"SupposeIwereanextraterrestrial,"themansaidquietly."SupposeIwereseveral
millionyearsaheadofthisplanet.Whatonequestionwouldyouaskme?"

"Whyistheresomuchviolenceandhatredamongus?"Bennyaskedatonce.

"It'salwaysthatwayonprimitiveplanets,"themansaid."Theearlystagesofevolution
areneverpretty."

"Doplanetsgrowup?"Bennyasked.

"Someofthem,"themansaidsimply.
"How?"

"Throughsufferingenough,theylearnwisdom."

Bennyturnedandlookedathisoddcompanion.Heisanactor,hethought."Through
suffering,"herepeated."There'snootherway?"

"Notintheprimitivestages,"themansaid."Primitivesaretooselfcenteredtoaskthe
importantquestions,untilsufferingforcesthemtoask."

Bennyfeltthegriefpassthroughhimagain,andleave.Hegrinned."Youplaythisgame
verywell."

"Anybodycandoit,"themansaid."It'sagimmick,togetoutsideyourusualmindset.
Youcandoittoo.Justtryforaminuteyoubetheadvancedintelligence,andI'llbethe
primitiveTerran.Okay?"

"Sure,"Bennysaid,enjoyingthis.

"Whyme?"Thestranger'stonewasintense."WhyhaveIbeensingledoutforsomuch
injusticeandpain?"

"Thereisnoknownanswertothat,"Bennysaidatonce."Somesayit'sjustchance
hazardstatistics.SomesaythereisaPlan,andthatyouwerechosentolearnan
importantlesson.Nobodyknows,really.Theimportantthingistoaskthenextquestion."

"Andwhatisthenextquestion?"

Bennyfeltasifthiswaseasy."Thenextquestionis,WhatdoIdoaboutit?However
manyminutesorhoursoryearsordecadesIhaveleft,whatdoIdotomakesenseout
ofitall?"

"Hey,that'sgood,"thestrangersaid."YouplayHigherIntelligenceverywell."

"It'sjustagimmick,"Bennysaid,feelingasifagreatweighthadbeentakenoffhim.
Theylaughed.
"Wheredidyoueverlearnthat?"Bennyasked."FromabookonCabala,"themansaid.
"It'sawayofcontactingtheHolyGuardianAngel.Butpeopledon'trelatetothat
metaphorthesedays,soIchangedittoanextraterrestrialfromanadvanced
civilization."

"Whoareyou?IkeepfeelingI'veseenyourface...."Themanlaughed."I'mastage
magician,"hesaid."CagliostrotheGreat."

"Areyousureyou'renotarealmagician?"Bennyasked.

SCHRDINGERTHEMAN

Yourtheoryiscrazy,butit'snotcrazyenoughtobetrue.
neilsbohr,quotedbybeynam,FutureScience

ErwinSchrdingerdidalotmorethanjustmakeupmathematicalriddlesaboutfictitious
cats.Hisequationsdescribingsubatomicwavemechanics,whichearnedhimaNobel
Prize,wereamongthemostimportantcontributionstoparticletheoryinourcentury.
Later,heturnedhisattentiontobiophysicsandinasmallbookcalledWhatIsLife?he
offeredthefirstmathematicaldefinitionofthedifferencebetweenlivinganddead
systems,throwingoffasasidereflectiontheideathatlifeisnegativeentropy.This
insightwastotriggerquiteafewnewideasinmanyofhisreaders,includingNorbert
WienerofMITandClaudShannonofBellLabs,whogotsodeepintonegativeentropy,
duetoSchrdinger,thattheycreatedmathematicalinformationtheoryandlaidthe
foundationsofthescienceofcybernetics,resultingultimatelyintheBeast.Schrdinger
didn'tevenbelieveinhisownCatriddle;hehadpropoundeditonlytoshowthatthere
mustbesomethingwrongwithquantumtheoryifitleadstoconclusionslikethat.
Schrdingerdidn'tlikequantumtheorybecauseitpicturesananarchistuniverseandhe
wasadeterminist,likehisgoodfriendAlbertEinstein.Thus,eventhoughhehadhelped
tocreatequantumtheoryandusediteveryday,Schrdingerkepthopingtofind
somethingseriouslywrongwithit.

TheCatproblempresupposesaCat,adeviceoflethalnature,suchasagunora
poisongaspellet,andaquantumprocesswhichwill,eventually,triggertheweaponand
killtheCat.Verysimple.Anexperimenter,ifhewantedtofindoutwhenthedevicehad
firedandkilledtheCat,wouldlookintothelaboratorywhereallthiswastranspiringand
notewhatactuallyhappened.ButSchrdingerpointsoutwithsomegleemodern
physics,ifit'sallit'scrackeduptobe,shouldallowustofindoutwhatishappening
withoutouractuallygoingintothelaboratorytolook.Allwehavetodoiswritedownthe
equationsofthequantumprocessandcalculatewhenthephasechangeleadingto
detonationwilloccur.Thetroubleisthattheequationsyield,atminimum,twosolutions.
Atanygiventimesayonehalfhourtheequationsgiveustwoquantumeigenvalues,
oneofwhichmeansthattheCatisnowdefinitelydead,kaput,spurlosversenkt,
finished,andtheotherwhichtellsusthattheCatisstillaliveasyouandme.

Ineverdied,saidhe;
Ineverdie,saidhe.

MostphysicistspreferredtoignoreSchrdinger'sdamnedCat;quantummechanics
worked,afterall,andwhymakeabigthingaboutsomethingalittlefunnyinthe
mathematics?

EinsteinlovedSchrdinger'sCatbecauseitmathematicallydemonstratedhisown
convictionthatsubatomiceventscouldn'tbeasanarchisticaswavemechanicsseemed
toimply.EinsteinwasaHiddenVariableman.HeclaimedtheremustbeaHidden
VariableanInvisibleHand,asAdamSmithmighthavesaidcontrollingtheseemingly
indeterminatequantumanarchy.EinsteinwassurethattheHiddenVariablewas
somethingquitedeterministicandmechanical,whichwouldbediscoveredeventually.
"Goddoesnotplaydicewiththeworld,"helikedtosay.

DecadefolloweddecadeandtheHiddenVariableremainedelusive.

Inthe1970s,Dr.EvanHarrisWalkersolvedtheCatparadox(tohisownsatisfaction)
anddefinedtheHiddenVariable(tohisownsatisfaction).TheHiddenVariable,hesaid,
wasconsciousness.TherewasmutteringinsomequartersthatWalkerwassmuggling
pantheismintophysicsdisguisedasquantumpsychology,butmanyyoungerphysicists
especiallytheacidheadsacceptedtheWalkersolution.

ProfessorJohnArchibaldWheelerofPrincetonfoundanotherwayofdealingwiththe
Cat;hetookitliterally.Everyquantumindeterminacy,heproposed,createstwo
universes;thus,theequationsareliterallytrueandinoneuniversetheCatlivesandin
anotheruniversethecatdies.Wecanonlyexperienceoneuniverseatatime,of
course,butifthemathsaystheotheruniverseisthere,thenbyGoditisthere.
Furthermore,since.5probabilitiesoccurcontinuallyeverytimeyoutossacoin,for
instancetherearemany,manysuchuniverses,perhapsaninfinitenumberofthem.
WithtwograduatestudentsnamedEverettandGraham,Wheelerevenworkedupa
modelofwheretheotheruniverseswere.Theywereonallsidesofus,insuperspace.

SomewereheardtosuggestthatoldWheelerhadbeenreadingtoomuchscience
fiction.

TOCROSSAGAIN

IfIofferachildthechoicebetweenapearandapieceofmeat,he'llimmediatelytake
thepear.That'shisinstinctspeaking.
furbishlousewartV,UnsafeWhereverYouGo

MountbattenBabbit,beingmethodicalinallthingsincludinghismadness,couldpinpoint
exactlythedateonwhichhehadstartedslidingovertheporousmembraneseparating
thesanefromtheinsane.Ithadbeenlong,longagobackin1941,actually,inJuly,the
twentythirdofthemonth,aThursday.

Orperhapsithadactuallystartedthenightbefore,onthetwentysecond.Itwashardto
say,actually,eventhoughBabbitwasamanwhodetestedimprecisionofanysort.Say
itwasthetwentysecond,then,eventhoughtheovertsymptomdidnotmanifestuntil
thetwentythird.Wedowanttobeasaccurateaspossiblewhenwe'relostouthere.
Sosaythetwentysecond:MountbattenwasafreshmanatAntiochCollegethenand
theCarterBrothersCarnivalwasplayinginnearbyXenia.Mountyandsomefriends
wentovertohavealooksee.SinceMountypersonallydidn'twaitaroundforthepost
midnightprivateexhibitionofthelustfulmulattoladyandtherandypony,advertisedby
shillsinthecrowd,thehighpointoftheshowforhimhadbeentheMentalist,Cagliostro
theGreat.

Agirlassistant,inasbriefacostumeasthecarnivalcouldgetawaywithbackinnearly
antediluvian1941andbarbaricOhio,circulatedthroughtheaudience,whileCagliostro,
youngishandhandsomeforthisracket,satblindfoldedonthestage.

"NowwhatamIholding?"shewouldaskwhensomebodyhandedherawatch.

"Igettheimageofatimepiece...yes,awristwatch,"themagicianintoned.

"WhatdoIhaveinmyhandthistime?"Theanswerwasalocket.

"Canyoutellmewhatthisobjectis?"

Awalletphoto.

DrivingbacktoYellowSprings,thestudentsfellintoadebate.Oneguyfromthe
psychologydepartmentgavealongspielonRhineandparapsychologyandscientific
dataforESP,whichconvincedalmosteveryone.Babbitwastheexception.Hewasnot
onlyachemistrymajorbutaleadingfirebrandfortheAtheistCluboncampusandhe
knewdamnedwellthatESPwaspseudoscientificbalderdashandhocuspocus.

Hespentthenextday,thetwentythird,inthelibrary,researchingstagemagicand,ina
biographyofHoudini,hefoundtheanswer.Asimplesubstitutioncode.Nowwhat=
watch.WhatdoIhave=locket.Canyoutell=photo.Andsoforth.Fraud,pureand
simple,likeeverythingthatgoesunderthenameofreligionormagic.

SiriusshoneverybrightthatnightinthesouthernskyandMountyBabbitwasbackat
thecarnival,loadedforbear.Whenthegirlapproachedhispartoftheaudience,he
handedheraprizedandillegalpossession:adragonheadedJapanesecondom.
"TellmewhatIhavebeengivenbythisperson."

Thatwasn'tintheHoudinicodebutneitherwasacondom,withorwithoutadragon
head.

"It'sagainstthelawinthisstate,"Cagliostrointonedsomberly,causingheadstoturn.
"AndIwouldadvisetheyounggentlemanfromAntiochtorestrainhissenseofhumorin
thefuture."

Anddon'tmarrySuziefromRedLion

Thesecondvoicewasandyetwasn'tCagliostro's.

MountytookquitearidingfromtheotherstudentsontheirwaybacktoYellowSprings
thatnight."Howdidheknowyouwereyoung?""Howdidheknowyouwerefrom
Antiochwherewasthatinthecode?""Christ,acondomyoucouldagotusallarrested."
ButnobodysaidanythingaboutSuziefromRedLion,Pennsylvania.Mountyfinally
forcedtheissue."Whatwasthatbusinessaboutthelion?"heaskedwithmaximum
indirection.

Itwasashehadfeared:nobodyelsehadheardanythingaboutalion,oraboutSuzie.

Itwassimplelogic,then.ESPisfraud.Hearingvoicesinyourheadisinsanity.
MountbattenBabbit,hetoldhimself,youareinneedofpsychiatrichelp.

Butapsychiatricrecordwouldbeahandicapinthecareerhealreadyhadmappedout
forhimself.

Selfcontrol,then,wastheanswer.Nobodyreallygoesbananas,afterall,except
weaklings.

AmanlikeMountbattenBabbitsimplywouldnotgomad.

ButMountbattenBabbitneverdidmarrySuziefromRedLion;therewasarathernasty
warconcludedwiththeexclamationpointofarathernastybombandthentherewasa
marriagetoamoresuitablyupwardmobilepartnerandeventuallytherewasatitleof
ChiefEngineeratWeishauptChemicalsinChicago.Itwas1967andhewasnolongera
brashyoungatheistscientistbutamiddleagedscientistbusinessmanwhoknew
enoughtokeephismouthshutaboutcontroversialissuesandsteadilyfeedagrowing
sixfiguresavingsaccount.Hehaditmade.IfCagliostrodidn'tkeepgettinginthe
newspapersforoneshockingincidentoranother,Babbitmightevenhavebeenableto
forgetthewholeepisodeinwhichhehadthoughthemightbegoingmad.

Thenhecrossedtheboundaryagain.

AjuveniledelinquentnamedFranklinDelanoRooseveltStuart,fromtheblackghettoon
theSouthSide,stoleMounty'scarfrominfrontoftheBabbitresidenceinRogersPark
atpreciselyamomentwhenMountywaslookingoutthewindow.Inhistrainedand
methodicalwayMountymemorizedfifteendetailsabouttheboyasheranoutthefront
dooronlytocatchthebriefestglimpseofthecarzoomingaway(atleastsixfeet,blue
sweaterwithturtleneck,Afrohairstyle,veryblackskin,nosemoreCaucasianthan
Negroid,driveswell,facemorenarrowthannorm,highforehead,nobeard,slimbuildto
judgefromshoulders,ringonlefthandwithgreenstone,clenchedfistbuttonon
sweater,earringinrightear,getmore,damntherehegoesaroundthecorner...).

AtthetrialMountypronouncedhispositiveidentificationinthesametonesheused
specifyingmaterielordersatWeishauptChemicals.Thejurybroughtinaguiltyverdict
infiveminutes.

ThatwasthesecondtimeMountywentmad.

ForastheboywasledawayMountyglancedathimonemoretimeandsawabluehalo
formaroundhisheadjustlikeinCatholicart.

TwoweekslaterhewaspromotedtoVicePresidentofWeishauptandbegantosee
halosaroundrandomindividualsinthestreet.

LED,LED,LED

Ifeverycaseofagingcanbecorrected,wemightallbeMethuselahs,living1,000years
ormore.
dr.robertprehoda,1969

AChinesenamedWingLeeCheewasCagliostro'sclosestfriendinthoseearlycarnival
days.Wingwastheworld'sgreatmasterofkarate,kungfu,aikido,andComprehensive
AdvancedMachismo,butagentlesoulwhennotpushedtoohard.InBadAss,Texas,
hegotpushedtoohardbylocalcops,whoobjectedtohisuseofthewhitetoiletfacilities
atagasstation.Theytoldhim"Achinkisjustayellowedoutnigger,"roughedhimup,
andaccidentallyknockedhisrighteyeoutintheirenthusiasm.AtthatpointWinglosthis
temperandwassubsequentlyapprehendedandquicklytriedandconvictedforthe
murderoffourpoliceofficers.

JudgeDraconicV.Wasppronouncedsentenceinthiswise:"Youngfeller,you'vebeen
triedandconvictedandeverymaninthiscourtroomknowsyourguiltisasblackashell.
Ihavenoregretinpassingsentenceinsuchacase.Soon,youlittlebastard,itwillbe
springandtherobinwillsingagain,theflowerswillbud,littlechildrenwilllaughontheir
waytoschoolandyouwillhearandknownothingofthat,foryouwillbedead,dead,
dead.

Youchinkbastard.Sheriff,taketheyellowsonofabitchoutandhanghim."

WingLeeCheereceivedthiswithnoshowofemotion,butthenhearoseandaddressed
thecourtinasteadyandterriblevoice."AsIrookuponthewhiskeyfoggedfacesof
judgeandJulyinthetlavestyofacivirizedcoult,"hesaid,"IknowfurrwerrthatIwas
foorishtoeverexpectjusticefromsuchdegenelates.You,JudgeWasp,speakofthe
sweetsingingoflobinsinthesplingandthebroomingoftheprants,butwhatcanyou
knowofthegleatTaothatmovesarrofus,youfourmouthed,cuntricking,donkey
fuckingledneck?Youdesclibethegentrevoicesofchirden,youglafting,thieving,
monkeyfaced,fratnosedidiotoffspringofafeebremindedgoatbypulpleplicked
baboon!Whatdoyouknowoftheinnocenceofrittlechirden?Whatdoyouknowof
anythingbutcolluptionandhighwayJobbery,yousyphspocked,claplidden,amoeba
blainedwhitelacist?YousaythatWingLeeCheesharrbehangedbytheneckuntilhe
isdead,dead,dead,butWingLeeCheesays"hepauseddramatically,sweptthe
courtroomwithawitheringglanceandconcluded"youcankissmyassuntilitisled,led,
led!"

Itissaidthatnineteenpeaceofficersweretornlimbfromlimbinthecourseofthe
hangingofWingLeeChee.

FRANK.Buthewashangedanyway.

ERNEST:Buttheyknewtheyhadhangedaman.

FRANK:Likehell.Theythoughtthey'djusthangedacrazygook.

THEVALUEOFTHECONTENT

Whenapeoplebegintocutdowntheirtreeswithoutmakinganyprovisionfor
reforestation,youmaybesureitisasignofthebeginningoftheirculturaldegeneration.
furbishlousewartV,UnsafeWhereverYouGo

Intheweeksfollowingthecartheftin1968,MountyBabbit'sluckatpokerbecameso
pronouncedthathehadtostartlosingbydeliberationonoccasiontoavoidthe
suspicionofcheating.Haloswereeverywhereonearth;UFOseverywhereabove.

Iamagenuinemadscientist,MountyBabbitthought.Well,nobodyisevergoingto
knowaboutit.

Then,amonthlater,itallpassed.Hedidn'tknowwhatcardstheotherpokerplayers
had,andhewasn'tseeinghalos.HemovedhisfamilytoEvanston,settledintohisnew
jobasVicePresidentatWeishauptChemicals,workedactivelyfortheNixonAgnew
campaign,andfinallyquitsmoking.

ThepicketsoutsidethewallsofWeishauptChemicals(whichwasnowthenation's
secondlargestproducerofnapalm)weretheonlyharassmentinanotherwiseperfectly
satisfactorylife.

TheInvasion(ashecametocallit)beganinearly1969.Hewasdrivinghomefrom
work,cameoffLakeShoreDriveontoSheridan,crossedtheHowardStreetborderinto
Evanston,andnotedalargebillboardwithaneyeatopapyramid.Ateasercampaign,
hethought.Thereversesideofthedollarbill.Afteramonthorsoofmakingpeople
wonder,theadvertiserswouldaddtheirslogan.ProbablyanotherFriendlyLoan
Company.

Thenextmorningheawokeintotalhorror.Herecalledthesymptomsfromsomeofthe
psychologybookshehadreadbackwhenhehadfearedforhissanity.TheActivation
Syndrome:thirst,rapidheartbeat,dizzywobblesthebodypreparingforemergency.
Whatemergency?Hecouldn'trememberanythingfromthepreviousevening.

Besidehim,MaryLousnuggledcloser."My,youwerepassionatelastnight,"she
murmuredaffectionately.

Idrovehome.Imusthavehaddinner.AndImadelovebetterthanusual,itsoundslike.
AndIcan'trememberanyofit.

Microamnesia.

Babbitkeptaveryclosewatchonhimselfinthefollowingdays.Notcloseenough,
evidently.Attheendofthemonthhefoundamongthecanceledchecksreturnedbyhis
bankoneinthesumof$100totheChicagoPeaceActionCommittee.Thiswasthe
sentimentaloldladieswhooftenappearedwiththeraggedystudentspicketing
WeishauptChemicals."EATWHATYOUKILL.""NOMOREWAR.""DRACULALIVES
ONBLOODTOO.""BLESSEDARETHEPEACEMAKERS."Allthosesillysentimental
signs.

Hehadnotwrittenthischeck.Andyetthesignaturewashis.

Aloneinhisstudywiththebankbookandchecks,MountbattenBabbitwept.Heknew
horror.
Somealienentityhadtakenoverhismindandwrittenthatcheck.

MyGod,hethought,Iampossessed.

POLITICSOFTHEIMPOSSIBLE

Therobotwhosepassportsaid"FrankSullivan"landedatKennedyInternationalon
December26,1983,andbrought$500,000worthofhashishthroughcustomswithout
anytrouble,sincethecustomsofficialshadordersfromtheCIAnevertointerferewith
him.

"Sullivan"affixedhisgasmaskandhailedacab,whichtookhimtotheHotelClaridge
onFortyfourthStreet.

Inrapidsuccession,followingageneticscript,hetookaquickshower,shaved,changed
intohisbestsuit,wentoutforaslowstrollonFortysecondStreet,andpickedupaboy
loungingoutsidetheFascinationpinballarcade.

Theyreturnedto"Sullivan's"roomandtheboytherereceivedaslurpinglyhedonicblow
job,forwhichhewaspaid$25.

Theladwasthencoveredwithrapturouskissesandcompelled(outofpoliteness)to
listentoaninterminablemonologueontheworld'sinjusticestoIreland,thevillainyof
England,andtheperfidyoftheMasonicJews.Morekissesfollowed,theboytolda
lugubriousstoryofpovertyandlegalproblems,"Sullivan"coughedup$5more,andthe
transactionwasended."Sullivan"loungedonthebedforawhileaftertheboyleft,
discoveredthatanother$15haddisappearedfromhiswallet,cursedmildly,showered
again,andsetoutonhisnight'sbusiness.

AnothertaxideliveredhimtotheSignifyin'Monkey,anightclubonLenoxAvenuein
Harlem.HecheckedhisLugerbeforegettingoutofthecabanddartingacrossthe
sidewalk;heknewwhatwaslikelytohappentomelanindeficientpersonsonthatstreet
atthathour.

Themaitred'recognized"Sullivan"andmadeanalmostimperceptiblemovementwith
hishead."Sullivan"ascendedthestairsintheback,knockedquicklythreetimes,then
fivetimes,thenthreetimesmore,andwasadmittedtotheprivateofficeofHassani
SabbahX.

"Ah,"saidHassan,"thegoodiesfromAfghanistanhavearrived."

Asordidcommercialtransactionfollowed,distastefultobothpartiesHassanand
"Sullivan"eachregardedhimselfasfundamentallyaphilosopherunwillinglyforcedto
grubandhustleinthejungleofcommerce.Nonetheless,eachbargainedprofessionally
andtheywerebothquitehappybythetimetheycametotheritualofsharingone
sampleofthemerchandisetosealtheirfriendshipanew.

"Youknow,"Hassansaidwhentheywerebothfloating,"Idon'treallybelieveyou're
IRA."

"That'sfunny,"said"Sullivan"withahashgiggle,"Idon'tbelieveyou'rereallyCIA,
either."

Theybothchortledhappily,havingtheirkeys.

"Complicatedworld,"saidHassan.

"Gettingmorecomplicatedeveryday,"pseudoSullivanagreedbenignly.

"CouldyouplaceaKleewithaEuropeancollector?"

"APaulKlee?"Sullivanhadheard"clay"originallyandwonderedifhewerebeingasked
topeddlepottery.

"AnhonesttoJesusKleeoriginal.Fromhismescalineperiod,Iwouldsay."

"Holdontoitadayortwo,"Sullivansaidgrandly."I'llhavetomakeafewphonecalls
first."HewasthinkingthatHassaniSabbahXworethemostbrilliantlymaroontieshe
hadeverseen.Forthatmatter,therugdancedwithhuesworthyofasultan'sharem.
Definitelysuperiorgradehash,hedecided.

Adooropenedinthebackoftheofficeandanothermanstuckhisheadintotheroom.
Hewasablackman,whitehaired,goldspectacles,ratherconservativebluesuitand
vest:"Sullivan"automaticallymemorizedhisfeaturesandsentthemthroughhis
computertorecordersandidentification.

"Oh,pardonme,"themansaid,backingout.

ButSullivanwhowasnotIRAatall,asHassansurmised,butwasCIA,atleastpart
timehadalreadycomeupwitha"make."ThemanwasGeorgeWashingtonCarver
Bridge,oneofthetopscientistsonProjectCyclopsintheseventies.Nowwhatwasa
manofthatcaliberdoingskulkingaboutthedenofsolargeandcarnivorousamammal
asHassaniSabbahX?

"Whowasthat?"heaskedidly.

"Oneoftheboys,"Hassanrepliedcarelessly."Justoneoftheboys."

ButSullivanwentbacktohishotelmullingovertheperversitiesandparadoxesofthe
hashishstate,andtheevermaddeningquestion"WhatisReality?"forhismemorykept
insistingthatjustbeforethedoorclosedhehadnotedthattheesteemedDr.Bridgewas
carryinginhishandtheamputatedpenisofawhiteman.

WEMIGHTWAKEUP

Wemustn'tsleepawinkallnight,orwemightwakeupchanged.
InvasionoftheBodySnatchers

Afterthedayin1968whenhefoundthathehadwrittenachecktotheChicagoPeace
ActionCommitteewhileinanalteredstateofconsciousness,MountbattenBabbit
decided,onceandforall,thathewouldseeapsychiatrist.

Butnotrightaway.Hewouldfightforselfcontrolfirst.

Herealizedthathismentalconditionwashighlyillegal.ESPin1941.HalosandESP
together,afterthatblackkidstolehiscar.Nowhewashavingblackoutsinwhichhe
performedabominableactsthatmightthreatenhissecurityclearanceandevenhisbank
account.Thatwasabsolutelyterrifying.Anythingthatendangeredthebankaccount
mustbeasymptomofthemostaggravatedpsychosis.Yes:Hewoulddefinitely
absolutelyirrevocablycommithimselftopsychiatriccounseling.

Butnotrightaway.Hewouldfightforselfcontrolfirst.

OnenighttheBabbitshadtheMoonsfromacrossthestreetasguestsfordinner.Molly
Moon,asusual,gotMaryLouintoadiscussionoftheoccult.Alltheusualhocuspocus
andrubbish.ShewasespeciallykeenonsomeNeonBalLoon,aTibetanmonkwho
hadallegedlytransferredhisconsciousnessintothemindofanEnglishmanandwas
nowwritingbooksthroughtheEnglishman'smediumship.

"It'sjustthebeginning,"Mollyenthused."Ourmaterialismhasbecomeathreattothe
wholeworld.Sure,moreandmoreofthegreatMasterswillbetakingoverOccidental
bodies,tobringustheirwisdomdirectly."

MountyBabbitconcentratedondiscussingthefinancingofanantidrugpamphletwith
JoeMoon,detectivelieutenantontheEvanstonpolice.Eventhatwasdisconcerting."It
probablywon'tdoanygood,"Joesaidonce,ratherbitterly."Thekidsdon'tbelieve
anythingwetellthem."

Thenextstepintopsychosiswasunexpectedandoddlypleasurable.Itoccurredinthe
lunchroomatWeishauptafewdayslater.Babbitwaspouringsugarintohiscoffeewhen
hesuddenlylookedatthesugardispenser.Thesimplicityofthedesign,theonesmall
flapthatopenedtoletthesugarpour,abruptlydelightedhim.Itwasasifhehadnever
seenitbefore.
Afterthathewasnoticingmoreandmorethingsinthatheightenedvision.Onedayin
theLoophesawamotherwhirlsuddenlyandslapawhiningchild.Hisheartleaptwith
shockandthenherememberedthatthiswasaneverydayoccurrenceinAmerica.It
wasasifhehadseenitfromtheperspectiveofsomeculturewherewhiningandhitting
werenotnormalcommunicationbetweenparentsandchildren.

Hewantedlessandlessmeatinhisdiet;meatnowappearedheavyandhardtodigest.

ThestrangestandmostdisturbingthingofallwasthewayWeishauptChemicalsitself
begantochange.Buteverythingwasthesame;hewasjustseeingwithdifferenteyes.
Thecontrastbetweentheexecutiveofficesandtheworkshopswasanoverwhelming
experience.Architecture,coloring,decoration,upkeepeverykindofcommunication
exceptwordsthemselvessaidwithtotalclarity"TheMasters"and"TheSerfs."The
typicalprimatepackhierarchy,unnoticedandtakenforgrantedbefore.

Strangevisionscametohimwheneverhismindrelaxedfromfinancialorscientific
problems.Hewouldbeinaburningjungle,runningfromhelicoptersthatcausedthe
burning.Orhewouldbeinatemplewiththeeyeonthepyramiddesignpracticing
strangebreathingexercises.OnceheevenhadanameFedKingandhewatchedas
oneofhisteachersburnedhimselftodeathinprotestagainstthewar.HewasFedXing
seeingthroughtheeyesofMountbattenBabbit.

Hismonogamy,whichheusuallysucceededinmaintainingfiftyoneweeksoftheyear,
wasfallingapartonhim.HeworriedthatMaryLouwouldbegrowingsuspicious.
Womenturnedhimonconstantly,incessantly,tormentingly,asinearlyadolescence.
Notallwomenjustwhitewomen.FedXingcouldn'tgetenoughofthem.Hecouldn't
evengetenoughofanyoneofthem.Evenafteranorgasm,Iwouldwanttostartagain,
rubbingandcaressingtheirmoistpussiesuntiltheycameasecondtime.Thisexcited
mesomuchthatIwouldoftengodownandsuckthemintoathirdorgasm.ThenFed
Xingwouldaskthemtosuckhimanddriftoffintoaeonsoftensionandpleasure,
glimpsingthetempleoftheeyeonthepyramid,occasionallyevencomingasecond
timehimself,whichhadn'thappenedsincehewasinhisearlytwenties.

Thehomosexualphasealmostdrovemetosuicide.ButmyESP(Iaccepteditnow,
knowingitwasallhallucinationofcourse,butfollowingitblindly,beingdraggedalongby
it)wasbothinfallibleandspecific.FedXingpickedonlymenofBabbit'sownstatusand
importance;andhewasneverwrong.Evidently,thereweremoreclosetcasesinthe
worldthanevenKinseyhadestimated.

Ialwaystookthemalerole,comingintheirmouths,andwouldreciprocatebynomore
thanmasturbatingthem.Once,whenthepartnerwasnotmerelyanexecutivebuta
Pentagonofficial,Istartedlaughingathismomentofejaculation,losingallcontrol,
laughinglouderandlouder,revealingthepsychosisandnotcaring.

ThatnightIlookedatthetreeinhisyardandknewitwasanintelligentbeing.Notwith
humanintellect,notwiththemindofadogoraratorafisheven,butwithitsownlife
andindwellingconsciousness.TherewasevenascientistinNewYorkmeasuringthe
emotionalreactionsofplantswithpolygraphequipment.Andthereitstood,ablue
spruce,strangerinstructureandmorealieninintelligencethananycreatureinscience
fiction.

Howcanweliveamongsomanywondersandnotbeoverwhelmedbythesheer
mysteryofexistence?MountyBabbit,formeratheist,askedhimself.Ourknowledgeis
sosmall,andourconceitissogreat....

ThenherealizedinhorrorthatthatwasFedXing,theBuddhist,thinking.

PARTNERS

Manwillneverbecontenteduntilheconquersdeath.
dr.bernardstrehler,1977

WhenMurphygotintothecarMendozaasked,"Badnews?"

Murphypulledoutintothetraffic,carefully.
"Itmustbebad,"Mendozasaid,lookingatMurphy'sface.

Theydrove.Murphystaredstraightahead.

"Man'syourpartner,"Mendozasaid."Heshouldn'thidethingsfromyou."

"Malloy,"Murphysaid,"IgottogoseeMartyMalloy.Onlyhe'sgotanewbuguphisass;
heonlytalkstoonecopatatime."

"Shitononeatatime.Youlethimpullthat,thenextthinghappensishethinksheruns
thepoliceforce.Marty,acheaphoodlikeMarty,younevergivehimanedge.On
anything.Youknowthat,Tom.Letthemgetoutoflineandallofasuddenyougot
anotherJackRuby.Guylikethatgetsanedge,hecan'tkeephismouthshut,going
aroundtellingeverybodyabouthisfriendsthecops.Droppingintoseeyouathome,
youknow?Whenhetakeshisfall,halftheforcefallswithhim."

"Yourprincipalproblem,"Murphysaid,"isthatyou'readumbspicwithaloudmouth.
Me,Idon'ttakeshitfromanyofthem,leastofallfromaMartyMalloy.Butthisis
different."

"Itsureis,"Mendozasaid."Ididn'tknowyousowell,I'dthinkyougotaguilty
conscienceaboutsomething.Somehoodoffthestreet,youcancallhimaspicanytime,
butnotme.Justwhothefuckyouthinkyouare?"

"Allright,thatjustslippedout.Youdon'thavetoeatmyassaboutit."

"Allright,shit.Firstyou'rekeepingsecrets,thenI'maspic,nowI'mtheonewho'sbeing
unreasonable.Thisisbeingpartners?Aftertenyears?"

MurphyturnedontoVanNess."Nobody'skeepingsecrets,"hesaid."It'sjustoneof
those,whattheycallintangibles.Malloydoesn'thaveasmuchballsasacockroach
anymore.ImeanIknowMalloy.Pushingfifty,gettingshaky,scaredshitlessofmefor
yearsnow.Hedoesn'tfancypants,notwithme,hedoesn't.Hesayshewon'ttalkto
anybodybutme,that'sthewayIplayitthistimearound.Ikeeptellingyou,Iknow
Malloy."
TheyturneddownGeary."Okay,"Mendozasaid."YouknowMalloy.He'sgotthewhole
solutiontotheKennedyassassination,orsomething.But,Idon'tknowwhatitis,
something'scomeoveryouthislastweek,Tom.Clamupallyouwant.Amancan'tbe
partnerstenyearswithoutknowing."

"Joe,"Murphysaid,"it'sjustIdidn'twanttotalkaboutit.Somethingsamanjustkeeps
atightmouthabout.It'smysister."

"Yoursister?"

"Thedoctorthinksshe'sgotcancer.Youknowamanlikeme,thewifedead,family
meansalot.Ibeenlightingcandlesforheratchurch."

"Tom,"Mendozasaid."Jesus,Tom.I'msorry.Yoursister.Christ,whatcanIsay?"

"It'sokay,Joe.Partners,it'slikebeingmarriedinaway.Ishouldhaveknownyou'd
realizesomethingwasup.Amanlikeme,somethinginthefamily,hedon'tliketotalk
aboutit."

"Christ.Yeah.Whichsisteristhat,theoneinL.A.ortheoneupinMendocino?"

"Oh...theoneinMendocino.Irene."

"Look,sheneedsmoremoneyandyoucan'traiseit..."

"Thanks,Joe.It'snotmoney,herhusbandisloaded,butthanks.I'mgladItalkedabout
it."

"That'swhatapartnerisfor."

MurphyparkednearthecornerofTaylor."YougodowntoGulliver's,haveacupof
coffee,"hesaid."I'lljoinyouafterIgetwhateveritisMalloyisselling."

"Partners,"Mendozasaid.

"Partners,"Murphyrepliedwarmly.Theyshookhands.


INSIDEOUT

Americaisawhiteman'sheavenandablackman'shell.
hassanisabbahX

HassaniSabbahXgaveuponhashish.HewenttothesafeandgotouttheLSD.
Remembering...

Usingthetransitionalconceptthatthelockisaholeinthedoorthroughwhichonecan
exertaneffortforatopologicaltransformation,onecouldturntheroomintoanother
topologicalformotherthanaclosedbox.Theroomineffectwasturnedinsideout
throughthehole.

RememberingaladoftwelvehavingIvanhoerammeddownhisgulletbytheChicago
publicschoolsystemandwalkingoutthedoorat3:05P.M.tominglewiththejunkies,
whores,pimps,thieves,andassortedvarietiesofrevolutionaries(BlackPanthers,Black
P.StoneRangers,acidelectrifiedWeatherpeople)whoprovidedtherealeducationin
theHydeParkneighborhoodofthelate1960s.Rememberingtheassassinationsof
MalcolmandofMartinLutherKing.RememberingtheendlessepicofStackerleeand
thefamouscouplet:

Igotatombstonedispositionandagraveyardmind.

I'mablackmotherfuckerandIdon'tminddyin'.

Callthisthefirstmetaprogram.ItledHassan(thencalledF.D.R.Stuart)faroutsidethe
ghettointoanentirelynewanddifferentworld.Itwaseasy.Byactingouttheimperatives
oftheStackerlee"blackmotherfucker"script,theboyearnedatermintheAudyHome,
aninstitutionforthefurthertrainingofapprenticeoutlawswhoslashtiresonpolicecars,
heavebricksthroughschoolwindows,peddlemerchandisefromstoreswithoutfirst
purchasingthem,andanswerpolicemen'squestionswith"Fuckyou,yahonky
motherfuck'ncocksucker."F.D.R.StuartreceivedthestandardAudyHometraining,
whichconsistsofsophisticatedexpertcoachingin:(a)sodomy;(b)sadomasochism;
and(c)assortedcrimesmorelucrativethansellingshopliftedmerchandise.

Hewas,aftergraduation,readyforpostgraduateworkatSpringfield,oncehepassed
theadmissionstest,whichconsistsofbeingcapturedbythepolicewhileinthe
possessionofsomethinghot.HewasinpossessionofaFordMustangregisteredtoa
MountbattenBabbitofEvanston.PostgraduateworkatSpringfieldincludedarefresher
courseinsodomyandSM,togetherwithadvancedstudyingrandlarceny;butbythis
timeF.D.R.StuarthadbeguntodoubtthattheStackerleemetaprogramcontainedthe
wholeanswertolife'sproblems.AformerBlackMuslim,nowaSufi,washiscellmate,
andtaughthimvariousthingsaboutthelesspublicizedqualitiesofthehumannervous
system.

F.D.R.Stuartspentmanyhoursstaringatonewallofhiscell,graduallycreatingahole
throughwhichhecouldpassintoanotherworld.Therewasadifferentkindoftimeover
there,andeventuallyhediscoveredthatangelsandfairiesandelvesandwitchesand
Bodhisattvasandconjursandallsortsofsuperhumanfolkcouldbecontactedand
persuadedtobecomeallies.

TheSuficellmate,aheavycatinmorewaysthanF.D.R.Stuarteverunderstood,
pretendedtobeunimpressedwiththisachievementandlaiddownsomesternraps
abouttheperilsof"OpeningtheGate"withoutfirst"clarifyingthesoul."Theupshotofit
wasthatyoungStuartspentanhouradaymemorizingapageinthedictionaryuntilhe
hadavocabularythatwouldgraceaHarvardgraduate.Alas,theSufiwasparoled
aroundthenandStuartcontinuedhisexplorationsunguided.

In1983,inHarlem,NewYork,HassaniSabbahXwastheHorsethiefofagroupknown
astheCultoftheBlackMother.ThiswasostensiblydevotedtotheworshipofKali,
goddessofdestruction(andrebirth);thepolicesuspected,butcouldn'tprove,thatitwas
alsoakingpinininternationalhashishsmuggling.TheFBI,meanwhile,hadtheirown
suspicions;theybelieveditwasaBlackRevolutionaryArmydisguisedasachurch.An
ArmyIntelligenceagentofappropriateNegritudeandduplicitymanagedtogain
admissiontooneofthelowerranksbutlearnedonlythat:(a)Horsethiefwasatermfor
headhonchoorbossmanborrowedfromthegypsies;(b)theritualswerefairlycloseto
thoseoforthodoxHinduKaliworship,exceptforcertainMasonicelements;and(c)
everytimeablackFBIagentmanagedtoinfiltratetheCultoftheBlackMother,hedied
verysoonofaheartattack.

Thelastfactwaswellknown,andoftendiscussed,attheBureau.Thewordwitchcraft
poppedupatleastonceineachoftheseconversations,andwasquicklylaugheddown,
buteachagentwentawayharboringhisownveryprivateopinions.Someofthemeven
beganattendingthechurchoftheirchoiceevenmoreoftenthanwasexpectedbythe
ratherPuritanstandardsoftheBureau.

TheCIAwhichactuallyemployedHassaniSabbahXasaspyonghettoaffairs,was
wellawarethatheplannedtodoublecrossthematthefirstopportunity,butthatdidn't
worrythem.Theyhadtheirownplansforhim,whichwereexpressedintheirusualjolly
euphemism,"terminationwithmaximumprejudice,"aremarkillustratedbyafinger
drawnacrossthethroattomakethemeaningcleartoneophytes.Butthatwasonlyfor
thefuture,whenhebegantoshowsignsofshiftingallegiance.

Now(itisthenightofDecember23,1983,again)whileaminiaturesledwitheighttiny
reindeerwasallegedlydodgingpastcommercialairliners,communicationssatellites,
flyingsaucers,andothertechnocraftintheskyways,twohumanbeingsofreprehensible
characterdroveuptotheSuttonPlacedigsofMaryMargaret(Epicene)Wildebloodina
truckhiredfromUHaulonlyafewhoursearlier.ThesewereEdwardJ.Smithand
SamuelR.Hall,andtheyhadbeenpurgedfromtheBlackPantherPartyafewmonths
earlierbecauseoftheirfondnessforthenullcircuitneurologicalprograminducedby
injectingdiacetylmorphine(C21H23NO5)directlyintotheirveins.Thiscompoundwas
knownasherointowhitepeopleandcaballotoEdandSam'sPuertoRicanneighbors.
EdandSamcalledithorseandmainlineditasoftenastheypossiblycould"ridingthe
horseovertherainbow"wastheirexpressionforthenullprogram,anditmeantasmuch
tothemasSamadhitoaHinduortheEucharisttoaCatholic.Infact,itallowedthemto
forgetforawhilethat,to90percentoftheirfellowcitizens,theywereunmistakably
identifiableasniggers,aspeciesgenerallyregardedastwiceasuglyandtentimesas
dangerousaswildgorillas.Itdidn'tmatter,toSamandEd,thatthepeoplewhobelieved
thisalsobelievedintheexistenceofagaseousvertebrateofastronomicalheftnamed
God,intheVirginBirthofU.S.Senators,intheaccuracyofTVnews,andinpremarital
chastityforwomen.

SamandEdalsobelievedintheexistenceofthegaseousvertebrate,theimmaculate
generationofsenators,thepicturesonthetube,andpremaritalchastityforatleast
somewomen(theirownsisters,wives,anddaughters).Theyalsobelievedthatthey
weretwiceasuglyandtentimesasdangerousaswildgorillas,butthattheyhadaright
tobethatway.TheycalleditBlackPride.

OnceinsidetheWildebloodapartment,EdandSamwereasefficientasapayof
vacuumcleaners.Tosaytheytookeverythingthatwasn'tnaileddownisto
underestimatetheirrapacity.Ifsomethingthatlookedvaluablewasnaileddown,they
employedpliersandothertools.WhentheyfinallydroveawaytheUHaultruckwasas
stuffedwithgoodiesastheminiaturesledallegedlycirclingtheskiesatthatmoment.
WhenMaryMargaretWildebloodreturnedfromhermonthinVermont,shewasheardto
compareherconditiontothatoftheChinesefarmerinTheGoodEarthafterthelocusts
hadpassed.

EdandSamdrovedirectlytotheSugarHillapartmentofHassaniSabbahX,whichis
notlistedonthemailboxesandcanonlybereachedthroughanotherapartmentwiththe
nameLESTERMADDOXonit.Ed,whoknewthisscenebetterthanSam,knocked.

"White,"saidamuffledvoicefrominside.

"Man,"Edreplied.

"Native,"camethevoiceagain.

"Born,"Edcompletedtheformula.

Thedooropened,andtheywereusheredintothehomeofaveryrespectableAfro
MethodistclergymanwhohadneverbeenpubliclyconnectedinanywaywithHassani
SabbahX.

"Whatwasthatjive?"Samdemanded.

"Password,"Edexplainedbriefly.

"BorrowedfromtheKuKluxKlan,"theclergymanaddedwithsomeglee."Hegot
himselfoneweirdsenseofhumor,BrotherHassan."Heusheredthemintothekitchen,
slidtherefrigeratoraroundeasilyonspeciallybuiltballrollers,andtheypassedthrough
toanapartmentthatdidnotexistinanybody'srecordsanywhere.

TheairwasheavywiththesmellofIndianhemp;anenormousstatueofKali,theBlack
Mother,dominatedtheroom.AgroupofblackmensatinacircleandSamrecognized
twosmallcigarettescirculatinginoppositedirections,whichhecalledclockwiseand
counterclockwise,notknowingthetechnicalmagicaltermsdeosilandwiddershins.

"Youwillnowascendtothesixthplane,withoutmyguidance,"saidHassaniSabbahX
tothecircle."Iamreturningtotheearthplanebriefly.Aummmm..."

"Aummmm..."cametheblissfulreplyfromthestudents.

HassanledSamandEdtoanotherroom.

"What'sallthatsixthplaneshit?"SamwhisperedtoEd.

"Astralprojection,"wasthebriefreply.

Hassanseatedhimselfathisdeskandsmiledgenially."BeenoutcelebratingtheLord's
birthday?"heaskedpleasantly."Expropriatingtheexpropriators?"

"Wegotafuckin'truckloaddownstairs,"Edreplied.

"Mmmmmm/"Hassansaid."AmerryYuletideindeed.Classmerchandisefrom
Honkyville,orwereyourippingoffourbrothersandsistersagain?"

"Class,"Samsaidemphatically.

"Andatruckload."Hassansmileddreamily."Why,brothers,ifI'masgenerousasmy
reputation,youlikelytoendupowningmorehorsethantheKentuckyDerby!"He
pressedabuttonandanotherblackmanenteredtheroom.ThiswasRobertPearsonby
birth,RobertPearson,Ph.D.,accordingtotheanthropologydepartmentatU.C.
Berkeley,ElHajjStackerleeMohammedduringamilitantperiodinthesixties,Clark
Kent(withhisSupermen)duringhiscommercialrockmusicyears,andnowRobert
Pearsonagain."Accompanythesecatstoourwarehouseandevaluatethecashvalue
oftheirmerchandise,"Hassaninstructed.

AnothertripbroughtEdandSam,withPearson,toabuildingonCanalStreetbearing
thelegendBHAVANIIMPORTS.Herethetruckwasunloaded,catalogedandpriced.

"AgenuineKleeorI'mabrassmonkey,"Pearsonsaidonce."Youruhclienthasbread
aswellastaste."

"Now,what'sthisshit?"hesaidlater,scrutinizingasaccharinerenditionoftwonaked
boyspreparingtodiveintoaswimminghole,framedbyagingerbreadcopperplated
oval."Oh,well,wecansellitascamp."

Hissharpestreactioncamewhenheconfrontedtheredwoodplaquebearingthe
ithyphalliceidolon.

"JesusH.Christonaunicycle,"hebreathed.

SamandEdexchangedglances."Wecan'tfigurethatoneout,either,"Samventured.
"Beatsthehelloutofourass."

"Lookslikesomebozo'sjoint,"Edsuggestedhelpfully.

Pearsonputoutanexploratoryhand."Feelslikesomebozo'sjoint,"heamended."Sure
asshitain'tplastic."He

shookhisheadwearily."WhatIwanttoknowiswhatkindofbozowoulddothistohis
joint?"

SamandEdshrugged."Hewasawhitebozo,"Samcontributedfinally.

"Icanseethat,"Pearsonsaid."Acrazywhitebozo,"Herolledhiseyesheavenward.
"Lawd,Lawd,"hesaidindownhomeaccents,"thethingsthatwhitefolksdo,it'sjusttoo
muchforthissimpleculludboy.""Skin!"criedSam.

"Skin,"Pearsonagreed.Theyslappedpalms.AndtherethemysteryresteduntilHassan
iSabbahXarrivedpersonallytoinspectthenewimportsafewdayslater.
"NamuAmidaButsu,"hesaid,peeringclosely."Sheeit."

"Wheredoyouthinkwecansellit?"Pearsonaskeddubiously.

"ThatIdonotknow,"HassaniSabbahXpronouncedslowly."Butwhenwedofinda
buyer,thepricewillmakeyourheadswim.Thisisaoneofakinditem."Thingswere
comingtoahead.Thekeywasnokey.Hassanhadotherthingsonhismindthat
weekend;hewaswellawarethat"FrankSullivan"(probably,inhisestimation,adouble
agentforbothWashingtonandPeking)hadrecognized"Washy"Bridgeandthat
openedaverywigglycanofworms,indeed.EversinceWashyhadtoldhimabout
ProjectPan,infact,HassanhadfeltincreasinglyliketheSorcerer'sApprenticeinthe
legend.AlinefromanH.P.Lovecraftstorycamebacktohisconsciousnessoverand
overagain:"Donot,Ibeseechyou,callupanythatyoucannotputdown."Likemany
anotheroccultistbeforehim,HassaniSabbahXnowwishedhehadtakenthatwarning
abitmoreseriouslyabitsooner....

EvenbeforeheleftBhavaniImportshewasstartledbyanincidentthatseemeda
definiteSantariasynchromesh."Hey,listen,man,"anartappraisercried,catchinghis
sleeve,"I'vejustheardthegreatestlimerick.Listen,justlisten:'Ahabitobsceneand
unsavory'"Hebrokedown,laughing,caughthimself,andrepeatedurgently,"Listen."
Hetriedagain:

"Ahabitobsceneandunsavory
HoldstheBishopofBostoninslavery.
'Midsthootingsandhowls"

Hebrokedownagain,thenwenton:

"'Midsthootingsandhowls
Hedeflowersyoungowls,
Whichhekeepsinanundergroundaviary!"

Hassanlookedathimwithparanoidsuspicion."Veryfunny,"hesaid,unsmiling,and
hastenedouttohislimousine.

"Backuptown?"thechauffeurasked.

"BroadStreet,"Hassansaid,givinganaddress.Hewasinmildfirstcircuitanxietyallthe
waytohisdestination.

HerememberedhisfirstconversationwithWashyBridge."Howmany?"hehadasked,
notinshockorin;outragebutinsimpleunbelief,inabilitytobelieve.Theyareour
creation:wearetheircreation.

"Fiftysevenofus."Thescientistwasperspiringwithanxiety,nowthatthesecretwas
finallyout,thereasonhehadfledProjectPan.

"Fiftyseven,"Hassansaidhollowly.Heinz57Varieties,herememberedabsentlyfrom
theadvertisements."AndallofthemwithPh.D.'sandM.D.'sandmorediplomasthana
doghasfleas..."

"You'vegottorealizeitworks,"Washysaidthen."Youjustcan'tunderstandifyoudon't
keepthatinmind.Itworks."

"Andtwohundredtothreehundredyearsinjailforeachofyouifitevergetsout,"
Hassanaddedharshly."Youjustbetterkeepthatinmindtoo."

"That'swhyI'mhere,"thescientistsaid.

Hassanhadpacedtheroombriefly."Wheelswithinwheels,"hesaidonce."Wheels
withinwheelswithinwheels."Oncehegrinned."AtleastIknowwhytheCincinnati
cocainemarketisthriving,"hesaidwithalewdchuckle."Cincinnati,"herepeated,
shakinghishead."Whatdotheycallitagain?"

"KnightsofChristianityUnitedinFaith."

Ahabitobsceneandunsavory,Hassanrememberedsuddenly,jostledbackintopresent
time.Hehadarrivedathisdestination.
Themantowhomhespokethenwasastockbrokeraccordingtopublicknowledgebut
pursuedcertainothercareersinaprivateandclandestinemanner.

'FrankSullivan,'"Hassansaid."Iwanttoknoweverythingabouthim.Everything."

Theparttimestockbrokerturnedashywhite.Hegotup,glaredsuspiciouslyatawindow
washeroutsidehisoffice,andwalkedovertocheckthatthewindowwasclosedallthe
way.

"Impossible,"hesaidthen,inanearwhisper."IfItoldyoutheonemostamusingand
interestingfactabouthim,I'dbedeadtomorrow."

"Thathot?"Hassanasked.

Themanleanedbackinhischairandgazedabsentlytowardtheceiling.Herecited
somenames,beginningwithJackRubyofDallasandendingwithasenatorwhose
privateplanehadcrashedjusttheweekbefore,onChristmasEve."Thosearejusta
few,"heended,"whohappenedtofindouttoomuchaboutFrankSullivan."

HassanspokeonlyonceduringthedrivebacktoHarlem.

"Secrecy!"hesaidwithaprofoundgrimace.

Thechauffeurlookedbacknervously.Hehadneverheardsomuchobsceneemphasis
inasingleword.

GWB666

Heknowswhenyouaresleeping
Heknowswhenyou'reawake

WithinthreedaysthestormhadbecomeablizzardinmostoftheNortheastandRoy
Ubuwasfeelingsnowedunderineverysenseofthephrase,drivingwithextreme
caution,thinkingthatthenewHeadofProgrammingfortheBeast,whatzisname,Moon,
reallyseemedtotakesomekindoffiendishpleasureinproducingreamsandreamsof
recordstoprovethattherecordswerealldefective....

ThesnowwhippedUbuagainasheparkedandskitteredintoGWBtofindMoononce
againcheerfullyperusingprintoutsthatdemonstrated,forthethirtythirdtime,thatevery
singleoneofthemissingscientistshadsimplystoppedleavinginkormagnetictape
tracessometimebetweensummer'81andspring'82.Whichwasimpossibleintheage
ofbureaucracy:Itwaslikeananimalnotleavingfootprintsonawetbeach.

"ButtheBeastissupposedtoknow,"Ubuhadprotestedonce.

"GWB666knowseverythingthathasbeenrecorded,"Moonsaidpatiently."Itdoesnot
knowwhathasneverbeenrecorded.Youcan'tseebehindyourhead;GWB666can't
scanwhatwasneverrecordedanywhere."

"Butdammitnobodycandoanythinginthiscountrydammitwithoutmakingarecord."

"Nobodybutthese132veryelusivemenandwomen,"Moonrepliedplacidly."Ifyou'll
notice,Imarkedthebioswhereitdealswithexperienceinprogramming.Seventyeight
outofthe132havesuchexperience.TheyobviouslylearnedagreatdealaboutErase
andCancelcodes...."

RoyUbumadeadespairinggesture."Howmanybitscanthisthingaccess?"heasked
wearily.

"Overonehundredtwentybillionbytes,"Simonsaid."Nearlyatrillionbits.There'snever
beenaninformationsystemlikethisinallhistory,"headdedwithsomepride.

"Butithasamnesiawherethesescientistsareconcerned,"Ubusaidbitterly.

Therobotwhosepassportsaid"FrankSullivan"wasinWashingtonthatweekendand
reportedtoahighofficialinNavalIntelligence,whosuspectedhimofbeingadouble
agentinfiltratingthemforAirForceIntelligence.

Aftertheusualsordidbusinesswasdisposedof,"Sullivan"askedcasuallyifN.I.had
anyinterestinHassaniSabbahX.

"GoodLordandAuntAgnes,no!"saidtheofficialemphatically."Congresswillhaveour
assifwegetintoanythingdomestic."Thenheasked,elaboratelydisinterested,"What
didyouhappentopickup?"

"Well,ifthere'snorealinterest..."PseudoSullivangazedoffintospaceabsently.

Therewasashortsilence.

"Ifit'ssomethingbig..."theofficialsaidfinally.

"Sullivan"heldouthishand.Anothercommercialtransactiontookplace.

"It'saboutagovernmentscientistnamedGeorgeWashingtonBridge..."pseudo
Sullivanbegan....

"Miskawhat?"RoyUbudemanded.

"Miskatonic,"SpecialAgentTobiasKnightrepeated."Here'stheircatalog."Heheldupa
bookletblazonedwithaGothicsketchofbook,candle,inversepentagram,andthe
motto:

MISKATONICUNIVERSITY
founded1692
EXIGNORANTIAADSAPIENTAM
EXLUCEADTENEBRAS

"Wherethehellisthat?"Ubuasked.

"NewEngland,somewhereinMassachusetts...ah,hereitis,Arkham,
Massachusetts."
"Andhowmanyofthe132werestudentsthere?"Ubuwashotonthescent.

"Sixtysevenofthem,"Knightsaidtriumphantly."Allintheclassesof'66through'69...."

"ByGod,it'saliveone,"Ubucried."Twoorthreemightbehappenstance,eventen
mightbecoincidence,butJumpin'Jesussixtyfuckinsevenmeanssomething.Let'slook
intothisMiskatonicU.andfindoutwhatwasgoingonbacktherein'66to'69,besides
dope."

'causeSantaClausiscoming
totooooooown!

GORILLATHEATER

MountyBabbittookawalkinLincolnParkonedayin1969,tryingtorelaxandcalmhis
mind.Everytreespoketohim;thelionslookedathimasabrother;thenervous
armadillopacingitscagestoppedtostareathim,andhereceivedclearlythemessage,
"Howdidwegettrappedintheseridiculousbodies?"

"Weneedbodies,"FedXingreplied,"justasweneedminds,tofunctioninthisthree
dimensionalcontinuum.Surelyyourememberthatweareactuallyndimensional?"

"Oh,yes,"thearmadillosignaled,"howcouldIhaveforgotten?"

Socrateshadhisdaemon,Mountythoughtindespair;JesushadtheFatherinHeaven;
ElwoodP.Dowdhadhisgiantwhiterabbit,Harvey;butwhydoIhavetohaveacrazy
VietnameseBuddhist?
"Youmakethenapalm,"FedXingtoldhim.

Thoroughlyagitated,Babbitwanderedintotheprimatehouse,notnoticingthesign
whichsaid"CLOSEDTODAY."Therehesawtwogrimfacedmen,ingreenuniforms,
andagorilla,inablueuniform,goingthroughamostremarkablepantomime.Oneof
themenwouldraiseasignsaying"WEDEMANDJUSTICE"andthegorillawouldthen
sprayhimwithacanofshavingcream;theothermanwouldthenfeedthegorilla.

Operantconditioning.Butwhatthehell...

EvenFedXingwasconfusedbythatone.

WHERETHEFUCK?

ThenightwatchmanatBhavaniImports,aPuertoRicanpoetandSantariainitiate
namedHugodeNaranja,wasreadinganovelcalledIlluminatus!whenthemysterious
incidentoccurred.Hugowassoabsorbedinthebook,whichheconsideredthegreatest
novelsinceDonQuixote,thathedidn'tnoticethestrangesoundatfirst.Graduallythe
soundspersistenceinvadedhisconsciousness,draggedhimoutofthemost
aestheticallyexquisiteblowjobinallmodernfiction,jerkedhimintoanalertawareness
thatoutthereinthedarknesstherewassomethingoddgoingon.

Rats,hethought.

No,thequicktrotofratpawswasdifferent.

Athiefwithsoftslippers,orinhisstockings...

Notthat,either.
Hugoputdownhisbookandpickedupflashlightinlefthandgropingrighthandedlyand
thenfindingpistolinholster.Somethingwasgoingoninthevastdarknessofthe
warehouseandhehadtogoandlookforitanddosomethingaboutit.Hewishedhe
hadn'treadsomanyWomen'sLibdiatribesagainstmachismoandPapaHemingway.
Hewishedhecouldstillbelieveinthemachovalues.Hewishedhehadmorecojones
oranotherjob.

Thenhewalkedoutofhiscubbyholeoffice,flashingthelightaheadofhim,andquoted
tohimselffromhisfavoritephilosopher."Theordinarymanhasproblems.Thewarrior
onlyhaschallenges."Thenhesawtheintruder.

Acat.Itwasonlyacat,heldforonemomentinhislightbeam,thenskitteringawayinto
deeperdarknessasthelightracedafterit.Thenitwascaughtagain,higherup,
standingforChrist'ssakeontheghastlyamputatedpenisplaque,itsgoldeneyes
glitteringhalfwhitelyintheflashedlightray.Acatstandingonapenis,somethingright
outofSurrealismorDada.

"Scat!"Hugoshouted,reallyamusednow."Rrrow!Scat!Beatit!"

ThenthecatleaptandHugo'sflashleaptafteritjumpingtothefloor,whereitwould,
should,must,didn'tland.Thelightmovedbackquickly,sweptseveralarcs,whileHugo
wasbeginningtothink:Christ,itdidn'tmakeanysoundwhenitlanded,notevena
muffledcatthud.Andhisbeamsweptbackandforthagaininsearchingarcs,asthe
wordsformed"itdisappearedinmidair,"wererejected(itcouldn't)andthebeamrested
foraminuteonthechallenginglyerectPenisWithoutaMan(whathijodeputawoulddo
athinglikethat?)andthequestionburstfromhislips,aloud,thenightwatchman'svice
oftalkingtohimself,whichhehadalwaysresistedbefore:

"Wherediditthefuckjumpto?Wherethefuck?"

THEDISPOSSESSED

MountyBabbitneverdidlearntolivewithFedXing.Infact,heeventuallyhadafull
scalepsychoticbreakdown.Ofcourse,becauseofhiswealth,thedoctorsalways
referredtoitasacatathymiccrisis.

Thebreakdownoccurredatadinnerparty,worseluck.

TheMoonswereguestsagain,andthistimetheyhadtheirnephew,Simonabearded
youngmathematicianwhosefatherhadbeentheblacksheepoftheMoonfamily,a
Wobblyagitator.SimonhimselfhadbeenarrestedduringtheDemocraticConvention
riotsthepreviousyearbutgotoffonprobation.

EverythingwentpleasantlyenoughuntilMollyMoongotonherobsessionabout
OrientalMastersinvadingWesternbodiestopassontheirtranscendentalmysticism.

JoeMoonmusthavenoticedthelookonMounty'sfacebecausehesaid,"Molly,
rememberourhostisascientist."

"AndaTaurus,"Mollysaidquickly."Iknowhowharditisforhimtoacceptspiritual
truths."

"Hedoesn'tboreyouwiththelatestchemicalshoptalk,"Joesaidgently."I'msureyou
don'thavetoborehimwithallthisastrologyorwhateveritis."

"It'snotastrology.It'sastralprojection."

"Itsoundshalfastraltome,"Joesaid,laughingasloudashecould,tryingtogetthem
alllaughingandturnthetopicintoajoke.

YoungSimon,however,hadideasofhisown."AuntMollymightberight,"hesaid
thoughtfully."TheEinsteinRosenPodolskyparadoxdoesleadtosomefreaky
possibilities.Butwhyassumeonlythehighadeptsarecoming?Everyprimitivegroupin
theworldhassomekindofmagicaltradition.Andthey'vetriedeverythingelsetogetout
fromunderwhitedomination."
"Nowdon'tstartwithyourradicalism..."Joewarned.

"I'mnottalkingpolitics,"Simonsaidinnocently."Everywhereintheworldthereare
peoplewho'dliketochangeplaceswithus.Liveinourrichhomes.Eatourextravagant
diet.Driveourcars.Weknowalotaboutthespacetimemattercontinuum,butwe're
moreignorantthanAsiaorAfricaaboutspacetimemindcontinuum.Howaboutthe
NativeAmericans,forthatmatter?Wouldn'ttheirmagicianslovetotakeoversome
whitebodiesforawhile?IsthatwhysomanyyoungpeoplearewearingIndian
headbands,takingIndiandrugslikepeyote,movingoutofthecitiesintothewoods...?
EverhaveyourcarstolenbyablackkidfromChicago'sghetto?Wouldn'ttheyliketo
stealyourbodytoo?"

"That'snonsense,"MollyMoonsaidangrily."Allthosebackwardpeopleyou'retalking
aboutcouldn'tlearnthehigherspiritualarts...."

"Mounty,you'reascientist,"JoeMoonsaidimploringly."TellSimonwhat'swrongwith
histheory."

"Anybodycanspintheories,"Babbitsaidcarefully."Scienceisamatterofproof.You
canmakeupamillionandonetheories,Simon,butifyougotoworkforacorporation
you'llhavetoproducetheoriesthatengineerscanuse.Theonetheory'outofamillion
thatcanbeproven.Everythingelseisjustidlespeculation."

"Exactly."JoeMoonbeamed,delighted."LetthecoonsearntherighttoliveinEvanston,
Isay."

"Well,thistheorycouldbecheckedout,"Simonwentonguilelessly;butBabbitknewhe
wasbaitingeverybody."Ifsuchanuhinvasionwereoccurring,itwouldbeaimedat
peoplewithimportantpositions.Businessexecutives.Governmentofficials.Thepeople
whocontrolthemedia.Checkthemoutandseeifthey'reallgrowingalittlebitweird
lately...."

Thehelicopterdescendedandtheearthturnedtoflame.Mydaughterrantowardme,
burning,screaming.WhywasitanAmericanflagonthehelicopterinsteadofa
swastika?WasitGalleyorEichmannwhowaslookingatmewithimploringeyes
beggingmyunderstandingandforgiveness?
Dayafterdaythenapalmfellfromtheskies.Dayafterdaychildrendiedscreamingat
1,000Centigrade.Monthaftermonth,yearafteryear,thefirecontinuedtoconsume
theworld,FedKing'sworld.Hesatinthelotus,hisshaktimountedonhispenis,their
eyeslocked,untiltheneurologicalsynergyoccurred:TheywereOne.Andthenthe
Otherswerethere,too,allthemindsofspacetimewhoturnedontheneuroatomic
circuit,thebeetleintellectsofBetelgeuse,NicholasandPerenellaFlamel,Brunoand
Elizabeth,Cagliostro,and,asthetimewarpopened,galaxyaftergalaxyjoinedin,the
Starmakerappeareddimly,andthefirstjumpwaspossible.

HewasafloweronarosebushinEnglandandapoetwasstaringathimashestared
backatthepoet:"Theroseshavethelookofflowersthatarelookedat"emergedfrom
thatmoment.

SHewasamicrobeflailingtentativelyinasoupyocean.

HewasaTerranarchivistlookingbackatthedeclineandfalloftheAmericanEmpire.

SHewasMountbattenBabbitinEvanston,Illinoisagoodone,grabquick,thiswasone
ofthemurderers,holdon

MountbattenBabbit,Ph.D.,becameawarethateverybodyatthetablewasstaringat
him.Thenherealizedthathewassobbing."Oh,God,"hesaid,amindattheendofits
tether."Oh,God,God,God..."

Itwasexplainedasabreakdownduetooverwork.Therewasnopsychiatrist;ambition
forbadetherisk,soaclinicalpsychologistofBehavioristorientationwasfound,onthe
facultyofNorthwesternUniversity,andthevisitswerelistedasconsultationinsocial
psychologyforbusinessmanagement.

MountyandthepsychologistdefinedFedXingasahallucinationcausedbythenegative
conditioningofthepacifistpicketssurroundingWeishauptChemicals.Amethodof
deconditioningwasworkedout,usinghypnosisandaversiontherapyagainstall
manifestationsoftheFedXingpersona.Theaversivestimuluswasapomorphine,a
nonaddictingmorphinederivativethatprovokesvomitingandsensationsofdeath.At
firstFedXingwouldspeakdirectlyatthesemoments,beggingandpleading,"Don't
sendmebacktotheflames...."Laterhebecamedefiant."We'llbeback,millionsofus,
fromallovertheThirdWorld.Livinginyourfatwhitebodies.Runningyourcorporations
andbureaucracies.Allthroughtheseventiesandeighties.We'llbeback."Asthetheory
ofaversiontherapypredicts,FedXingwasfinallyextinguished.

Safelyestablishedbeyondfreedomanddignity,MountyBabbitbecametheideal
conditionedsubject.In1982heresignedhispositionasPresidentofWeishaupt
ChemicalstobecomeSpecialScientificAdvisortotheWhiteHouse.

ANOTHEREIGENSTATE

Thatwhichisforbiddenisnotallowed.
johnlilly,TheCenteroftheCyclone

OhowmoneymakesmehumOhowmoneymakesmehumOhowmoneymakesme
hum

BennyBenedictwasworkingonhismantra,anddidn'trealizethathehadwandered
quiteabitfromtheSanskritoriginal.

OhowmoneymakesmehumOhowmoneymakesmehumOhowmoneymakesme
humthepurposeofsufferingistomakeusasktheimportantquestionswhataguya
stagemagicianhesaidOhowmoneymakesmehumOhowmoneymakesmehum

HehadreachedthecornerofLexingtonandTwentythirdStreet.

PabloGomezsteppedoutofadoorwayandhitBennyfrombehind,hard,withalead
pipe.

OhmommietakemehomeOhmommietakemehome...Bennyexplodedintothe
whitelight.
FortunatelythelastremainingcitizenofManhattanwithasenseofcivicduty,one
JamesMortimer,camearoundthecorneratjustthatmoment.JamesMortimercarrieda
policewhistleatalltimes,sinceheknewhewaslivinginastillviolentsociety.Heblew
severalblasts,loudandshrill.PabloGomezfledwithoutgettinganymoney,andan
ambulancearrivedintimetorushBennytothehospitalandsavehislife.

THEROOMSWERETURNEDINSIDEOUT

The"nervousbreakdown"(asitwascalled)ofHassaniSabbahXdidnotattractmuch
attention;theCultoftheBlackMotherhadneverbeenaswellpublicizedastheNation
ofIslamortheBlackPanthers.TheNewYorkNewsTimesPostactuallyreferredto
Hassanasa"wellknownnightclubownerinHarlem,"intheirverybriefstory,andtheir
reporterhadn'teveninvestigatedfarenoughtolearnthatHassanwasalsotheheadofa
cultwithmoremembersthantheMissouriSynodLutherans.But,then,theCultofthe
BlackMotherhadneverbeenpublicityminded;evenTheAmsterdamNews,unawareof
itsmembership,describeditas"asmallchurch."

HassanhadbeendeliveredtoBellevueinastateofravingmania,underphysical
restraintbytwoofhisformeraides.Thepsychiatristsquicklypronouncedhim"paranoid
schizophrenic"andprescribedtheheaviesttranquilizerthenavailable,whichinfactkept
himfairlydrowsyevenwhenhewasn'tcomatose.Nonetheless,whenabletosummon
theenergytoriseoutofhislethargyandtalkagain,hewouldmonotonouslyrepeatto
anyotherinmateororderlywhocamenear,"Look,Idon'tbelonghere.Something
terriblehashappened.I'mreallythePresidentofthisfuckingcountry..."andsoon,with
endlesselaborationsanddetails.

"Adeeplydefendedpsychosis,"thepsychiatristsdecided,andbeganacourseof
electroshocktreatments.

Whenevertheflippedoutblackcameoutofhisdaze,however,hewouldbeginthe
sameschizzyrantingallover:"Hey,listen,I'mthePresidentofthisfuckingcountry...."

Theelectroshockwassteppedup.Hassanretreatedintoapermanentdazeandceased
toannoyanybody.BythistimehisbrainhadbeenfriedtotheconsistencyofaWhite
Towerscrambledeggandhisimpressionsoftheexternalworldweremostlyolfactory
andaural,likethoseofasubnormaltoypoodle;henolongerarguedaboutanything,
sincehenolongerunderstoodsuchabstractconceptsasegopersistenceoridentity.
Thepsychiatristsweresatisfied:"Ifyoucan'tcureanut,"theirtacitmottowas,"atleast
youcankeephimfromrunningaroundthewardannoyingpeople."

TwoFBIagentslaterdiscussedthematterprivately.

"YouthinkCIAdidit?"askedthefirst,TobiasKnight.

"Youfigurehe'dbeenworkingforthem?"theother,RoyUbu,askedinreturn."Ialways
hadthatnotionmyself.Butwhywouldtheyfuckhisheadlikethat,whenGodonly
knowswhathemightspilltosomebodywho'dgetreleasedfromthenuthouseand
repeatittoareporter?Nah,CIAdoesn'tworkthatway.They'djust"Hedrewafinger
acrosshisthroat.

"Idon'tbelieveincoincidences,"Knightsaidstubbornly."Somebodygottohim."

"Something,"Ubucorrectedwithasinisterintonation."YouknowaswellasIdowhathe
was.Awitch."

"Voodooist,"Knightcorrected.

"Whatever.Everybodyweeversentindiedofaheartattack,right?"Ubulookedoverhis
shoulder."Officially,theBureaudoesn'tbelieveinwitches.ButI'lltellyouwhat
happenedtoMr.HassaniSabbahXinmyopinion.Hecalledupsomethingthathe
couldn'tputdown."

THELOCKISAHOLE


Dr.FrancisDashwoodneat,clean,rich,andnotyetfortydroveintothegroundsofthe
OrgasmResearchFoundationonVanNessinSanFranciscoatprecisely8:57inthe
morning.HecheckedhiswristwatchagainafterheparkedhissleekM.G.inthe
executiveparkinglot.Itwas8:58.Excellent.Aquicktrotandhewasathisdeskbefore
theofficeclockreachednine.Onceagainhehaddemonstratedthepunctuality(anal
retentivepersonality,sillyprescientificFreudianscalledit)whichhadcontributedso
muchtoraisinghimtohispresenthighpositioninthemedicalresearchbureaucracyof
theUnitedStates.

FrankDashwood,M.D.,L.L.D.,Ph.D.,attheageofonlythirtyeight,headedthemost
heavilyfundedandhotlydebatedinstitutionintheworld:OrgasmResearch,a
multimilliondollarprojectdedicatedtofillinginthepsychologicalintangiblesleftoutof
thepioneeringresearchofMastersandJohnsontwodecadesearlier.Sincethese
psychologicalintangibleswereasDr.Dashwoodsometimeswittilyremarked"both
psychologicalandintangible,"therewasnoendtotheresearch.Meanwhile,thefunding
moneycamerollingin.

Frankwas,accordingtoasurveybyamanagementanalyst,oneoftheseventeenmen
intheUnitedStateswhowastotallyhappywithhisjob.

Otherresearcherssometimesexpressedenvyofthisfact."Whatredbloodedman,"one
ofthemhadonceaskedwithsomewarmth,"wouldn'tbehappysupervisingother
people'sorgasmsandpullingdownaswiftsixtygrandayearforit?"

Thiswassomewhatunfairtoadedicatedscientist.Dr.Dashwoodwastrulyfascinated
byorgasmsasEdisonwasbyelectricityandhadaninexhaustiblecuriosityaboutevery
possiblefactorinvolvedineverypossibletwitch,itch,moan,gibber,gasp,sob,shudder,
orhowlconnectedwiththatdramaticbiologicaltremor.Evenmore,however,hewas
mesmerizedbylines,curves,averages,graphs,andeveryaspectofmathematicsthat
couldbeclearlyvisualized.Theworld,forhim,wasnotmadeupof"things,"crude
Disneylandanimationsprojectedbyourlowernervouscircuits,butofenergymeshes.
WithnoknowledgeofZenBuddhism,heintuitivelysharedSixthPatriarchHuiNeng's
visionthat"fromthebeginningtherehasneverbeenathing."Dr.Dashwoodlivedina
universeoftransactionsthatcouldbewrittenasequationsandtracedongraphpaper.
Abovehisdeskwasamottosuggestedironically'byaskepticalfriend.Dr.Dashwood
sawnothingfunnyaboutitandadopteditashisownbanner:

SCIENCE,PURESCIENCE,ANDDAMNEDBEHE

WHOFIRSTCRIES"HOLD,TOOMUCH!"

AshesettledhimselfathisdeskheobservedthatMs.Karrige,hissecretary,had
alreadypouredhiscoffeeforhim.Fine:Thegirl(femperson,hecorrected)wasreally
gettingbrokentotheharness.Hewhippedouthisthermometerandmeasuredtheblack
liquidinthecup:98.4degrees.Excellent:Shewaslearningtomeethisexacting
demands.

Dr.Dashwoodcouldnotabideinexactitudeorslovenlinessinanyhumanactivity."A
thingworthdoing,"hewouldexplaintohissubordinates,"isworthdoingright."Hesaid
thisoften,andmaliciousmembersofthestaffsaiditevenmoreoften,whenhewasout
ofearshot,withatoneandafacialexpressionthatwerecaricaturesofhisown.

Withasmileonhislipsandaglintinhiseye,FrankDashwoodbuzzedMs.Karrige.
"What'sfirstfortoday?"heaskedcheerfully.

TheJabberwockwasgrowing:Thekeywasnokey....

FUNNYVALENTINE

Megalithicmonumentswerecertainlynotplacesofworshipbutplacesofrefugefor
peoplefleeingtheadvanceofmud.
furbishlousewartV,UnsafeWhereverYouGo

WhileDr.DashwoodwaspressinghisbuzzerinSanFrancisco,Starhawkwascarefully
screwingtwomountainclimber'shooksintoahillacrossthebayinOakland.Thefirst
ropewaswrappedaroundhiswaistoutsidethetrousers,ranthroughapulley,andcame
backtohishand.Thesecondropecircledhischest,ranthroughthesecondpulley,and
wassecuredtoatree.Hebeganloweringhimselfdownthroughtheredwoods.

Atfirsttherewasnovisibilityatgroundlevel,butashedescendedtheroofofMurphy's
houseabitofyardcameintoview.Noneoftheneighboringhouseswasvisibleatall.

ApproachingMurphy'sroof,Starhawkslowedandthenstoppedhisdescent.Inmidair
heturned,everymusclestraining,andcontinuedhisdescentheadfirst,legstightly
together,thestyleofaprofessionalhighdiver.Asmallfilmofperspirationformedaround
hislips.Hewastotallysilent.

Twice,redwoodbranchesalmosttangledhisropes.Heremainedtotallysilentwhile
disengaging.

Finally,hegrippedtheroofedgewithhislefthand,letoutmoreslackwithhisright,and
loweredhimselfuntilhewaslookinginthecornerofawindowupsidedown.Itwasthe
bedroom.Murphywasn'tthere.Thebedwasunmade.

Starhawkraisedhimself,swung,anddescendedagaintoinspectanotherwindow.The
livingroom.Murphywassittinginaredplushchair,hisfaceexpressionless.Hewas
listeningtomusiconthestereo.Ashotgunleanedagainstthewallbehindhim.

Veryslowly,Starhawkraisedhimselfagainandswungtothenextwindow.Infive
minutes,totallysilent,hewassurethattherewasnobodyinanyoftheotherrooms.

Heslowlyraisedhimselfagainandfoundaperchinaredwoodthatcommandedaview
ofthefrontyardanddoorway.Hewaited.

Themusicfromthestereodrifteduptohim.PeggyLeewassinging"MyFunny
Valentine."

Afterwaitingfortyfiveminutes,Starhawkdescendedagain.Murphywasnolongerin
thelivingroom.Theshotgunwasmissingalso.

"Thefuck?"Starhawkmuttered.
Heswungcarefullyovertothebedroomwindow.Theshotgunrestedagainstthewall
besidethecloset.

Murphycameoutoftheclosetandpickeduptheshotgunagain.Carefulman,that
Murphy;nevergoanywherewithoutyourshotgunwhenyou'reholdingmaybehalfa
millioninhotsnow.

Murphylookedquitehappynow.HelookedlikethehappiestmanStarhawkhadever
seen.

Starhawkreturnedtohisperchintheredwoodtree.Murphyhadobviouslytakenasnort
ofthecokeandwasprobablyfeelinglikeLukeSkywalkerheadingfortheDeathStar.
Starhawkwaitedsilently.Itwasgoodtoknowwherethecocainewas.

Afewminuteslaterasquirrelcamealonganoverheadbranchandalmostwalkedover
Starhawk'srope.Hestopped,frozen:unabletobelievethatahumanbeingwaswayup
hereinthetree.

Starhawkandthesquirrelstaredateachother,bothimmobile.Thenthesquirrelran.

Starhawksmiled.Hewentonwaiting,quietly.

FIRSTMAMMALROBOTDYAD

Dr.DashwoodbuzzedMs.Karrige."What'sfirstfortoday?"heaskedcheerfully,eager
toplungedirectlybackintothethickofthings,aswastypicalofhimonMonday
mornings.

"TheuhcoloredgentlemanfromNewYork,"camethetinnyvoiceontheintercom.

"Sendhimrightin!"Franksaideagerly.
RobertPearsonwasdressedinhis"dealingwiththestraightestablishment"clothes,
whichmeantthathelookedliketheblackequivalentofaMafiadonmovinginonalegit
corporation.Youhadtolooktwicetorealizethathewastooresplendenttoappearreally
conservative.

"Youreallyhavetheummerchandise?"Dr.Dashwoodasked.

"Iwouldn'twasteyourtimeotherwise,"Pearsonsaidcarefully.

"Andit'snotflaccid?Icangettheminflaccidstate'fromJohnsHopkins'ssexchange
department,bythegross.Thismustbetotallyerect,andIcan'timaginehowyou
managedthat...."

Pearsonremovedapackagefromhisbriefcase."Seeforyourself,"hesaid.

Dr.Dashwoodspentseveralminutesexaminingtheghoulishtrophy.Pearsonsatback
andlitupablackShermancigarette.HewaswonderingjusthowsurprisedDashwood
wouldbeifhementionedhisownlongagoPh.D.orhiscareerasleadguitaristwith
ClarkKentandhisSupermen.HewasjustanotherblackgangsterasfarasDashwood
kneworcared.

"It'sreal,"Dr.Dashwoodsaidfinally."Abeautifulspecimen,"headdedwithtotal
scientificdetachment.ThenhelookeddirectlyatPearsonwithunblinkingcuriosity."You
eitherhaveafriendwithatrulydesperateneedformoneyoranenemywhonowknows
whatitmeanstorouseyouranger,"hecommentedmildly.

Thehagglingovermoneybeganatthatpoint.PearsonleftonthenoonflighttoNew
York,bearing$10,000,whichlaterfounditswaytoAfghanistanandcamebackinthe
formofbricksofpurehashish.

Dr.Dashwood,meanwhile,wasinm.o.q.themultipleorgasmquotientlaboratory
makingcertaintechnicaladjustmentsontheACEequipment.ACEforartificialcoital
equipmenthadbeendevisedbytheMastersJohnsonteamandallowedaplastic
imitationpenis,containingmicrophotographicdevices,tostimulatetheinsideofavagina
whileobtainingclearphotographicevidenceoftheactualphysiologicalchanges
occurringtherein.OrgasmResearchhadusedthesamemodelintheirinvestigationof
m.o.q.theendeavortofindoutpreciselyhowmanyorgasmsamultiplyorgasmic
womancouldactuallyhavewithoutuntowardsideeffects.ItwasDashwood'sconviction
that,thephysiologicaldatabeingalreadydetermined,arealpeniswasmorepractical
now;butayearlongsearchfortheoncefamousCubanSupermanhadfailedtolocate
thestalwartstud.("ThosebloodypuritanicalCommieshaveprobablyrehabilitatedhim
intomoresociallyusefulwork,"Dashwoodconcludedmournfully.)

NowatlastwiththerelicofWildeblood'squantumjumpacrossthegendergapattached
toACE,Dashwoodhadtheidealscientificinstrumenttomeasurem.o.q.

Asubjecthadbeenobtainedviaadsplacedinundergroundnewspapersthroughoutthe
stateofCalifornia.("WhatdoEasternersknowaboutfancyfucking?"Dashwoodasked,
rulingouteverybodyontheothersideoftheRockies.Allthatpartofthecountry,he
firmlybelieved,wasapuritan'sheavenandahedonist'shell.)Theadsaidbluntly:

SEXPOTWANTED

Wearenotmakingpornymovies.Wearenotkinksorcreeps.Thisisaseriousscientific
project.Ifyouthinkyouqualify,andwouldliketoearn$1,000,writeBox56,San
Francisco,instrictconfidence.

Weedingoutunlikelyprospectshadbeentimeconsumingandsomewhatwearying,
althoughafewhadsetsomeinterestingrecordswiththeoldplasticACEapparatus.The
subjectselectedtohavethetrialrunonthenewreincarnatedACEwasaMs.Rhoda
Chief,vocalistwitharockgroupcalledtheCivicMonster.Knowntocriticsasthebest
heavyrocksingersinceJanisJoplin,Rhodawasoriginallyrenownedbackinthesixties
forherowncuriousmutationofoldfashionedDixieland"scatsinging";whatfewrealized
wasthatherriffswerenotmereJabberwockybutactuallyfragmentsoftheEnochian
KeysusedbyDr.JohnDee,Mr.AleisterCrowley,andothermagicians.Peoplewho
cameoutofCivicMonsterconcertsseeingauras,hearingstrangevoices,catchingodd
fugitiveglimpsesintofairylandandOz,orseeingthedjinnsgatheredaboutthethroneof
Allah,attributedthistotheheavymarijuanafumesalwayscirculatingintheairatrock
concerts.WhatRhodaherselfsawduringthosemomentswasasecretbetweenherself
andheroccasionalloverinthatdecade,thecontroversialstagemagicianCagliostrothe
Great.
Rhodahadgainedanotherreputationinthe1970s:"Thatchickgivesheadbetterthan
anybodyinshowbiz,"itwasoftensaidinHighSociety.Butthisrumorhadnotreached
theasepticscientificworldinwhichDr.Dashwoodmoved.

Twirlinghisdapperbowtiedebonairly,FrancisDashwood,physicianandscientist,
strodedownthehalltoLaboratoryThree.

RhodaChief,alreadynudebutwithasinglesheetdemurelyspreadoverherfulland
obviouslystillgloriousbody,smiledbrightlyasshesawthedoctor.

"Where'sACE?"sheaskedcheerfully.

"We'vebeenmakingsomeimprovements,"Dashwoodsaidwithprofessionalunction.
"Youmightfindtoday'sresearchadistinctimprovementoverthetestrunslastweek."

Thesheetslippedabit,revealingseveralinchesofround,tensebreast."Youmeana
biggersizegizmoonit?IalreadybeenthroughtheErrolFlynn,thePrimoCamera,and
theKingKong."Theseweretechnicalslangforvariousmodelsofrobotdildo.

Whatafantasticpieceofhotlustfulwomanshewas,Frankthoughtirrelevantly.Despite
hisscientificattitude,hefelthimselfsecretlylongingforthemomentsaheadwhenthe
sheetwouldfinallybesweptasidetorevealthatincrediblebody,whichhadappearedin
hisdreamstwiceovertheweekend.Withaneffort,heresumedhisprofessionalmanner.

"No,"hesaidquietly."Nolargersizes.TheKingKongisthebiggestwehaveinstock.
Todayissomethingentirelynew.Weareusingtherealthingbutstillattachedtothe
ACEmachine,soyoucancontrolitasalways,calibratingspeedanddepthofthrustand
soforthtoyourownspecialrequirements.Ah,hereitcomesnow."

AtechnicianwheeledinthenewimprovedACEapparatus.

Rhodasatup,staringinfrankastonishmentandthesheetslippedanotherinch,
revealingthatgorgeousrightnipple,likeachocolategumdrop,Frankthought.Notfor
thefirsttime,hecursedtheprofessionalethicswhichwouldruinhiscareerifheever
touchedoneofhisexperimentalsubjects.
Thetechnician,whoalwaysinsistedonbeingcalled"Jonesy"or"R.N."hisrealname
wasRichardNixonJones,buthekeptthatacarefulsecret,andneversentMother'sDay
cardswheeledtheACEovertothebedandaffixeditattheproperangle.Itlookedlikea
sciencefictionversionoftheGreatGodBaphomet.Thepinkphallusseemedextra
eroticamidthesculptedwhiteplasticofthemachine,danglingafewinchesabovethe
Venusianbushslightlyvisiblethroughthethinwhitesheet."Allset,"Jonesysaidstiffly,
andretreatedtothedoor.Hehadneverquitegottenoverhisinitialembarrassmentat
workingforOrgasmResearch.

RhodaChiefreachedoutatentativehandandfeltUlysseshoveringaboveher
midsection.Therewasapause.Dashwoodwatchedherhandmovingalongthepink
shaft.Inimaginationhevividlyfeltthesamehandgropingwithhistrousers.Iama
professional,heremindedhimselfsternly.

"Well,"hesaid,"anytimeyou'reready."

"It'sforscience,"Rhodasaidhoarsely.

"That'sright.Forscience."

"Takethesheetoffme,"shewhispered.

"Ican'tdothat,"Franksaid,strainingtoavoidabreakinhisvoice,hiseyesonthecrotch
beneaththesheets.

"Oh,yes,"shesaid."Iforgot."

Therewasanotherpause.

"Forscience,"hesaidgently.

"Forscience,"sheagreed.Slowlyshepusheddownthesheet,revealingthoseglobes
thathadtwicetormentedhissleep.Shemustbeatleastafortytwo,hethought,and
whoeversawsuchenormousnipplesbefore?Then,withmoredetermination,she
pushedtherestofthesheetoffthebedinonequickmotion.Shewasassweetasight
asdawnitself.

Dr.DashwoodthoughtfleetinglyofhowFourierseriescombinetoproduce,onoccasion,
perfectsinewaves,valleyandcrest,valleyandcrest,inaharmonythatwaslikethe
signatureofintelligenceandgrace.Acontemporarypopnovelistmightsay,"Shehada
figurethatwouldmakethePopekickaholeinastainedglasswindow."RhodaChief,
oneofthetrillionsofmulticellularbioestheticmodelsworkedoutbytheDNAduringits
threeandahalfbillionyears'designworkonthisplanet,wasonlyfivefeettwoinches
tall,butinthatspacewerethebreastsofBabyloniangoddesses,thetrimwaistofa
PettyGirl,thepubicbushthatTitianstrovesohardtopaint,thelegsofVenus
Kallipygios.Dr.Dashwood,whosoughtalwaystouncoversignificantform(anddidnot
knowthatCliveBellhadoncedefinedartinthosetwowords),respondedbothcortically
andphallically.Wereitnotforhisscientificdiscipline,hewouldhavekneltinworship,to
presentherthePentecostalGiftofTongues.

"Umyoucanuseitontheclitorisfirst,gently,tolubricateyourself,"hesaid,feelinglikea
ninny.

"I'mlubricatedalready,"Rhodasaidinastrangledvoice,andmovedthehandlewhich
spunthewheelwhichthrustUlyssesintothehousewherelovelived.Hereyes,Frank
noted,werestillopenforasecond,butcompletelyoutoffocus.Thensheclosedthem
andbeganpullingthehandlerhythmically.

Frankbeganjottingrapidly."Nipplesfullyerectattwentythreeseconds.Sexflushon
breastsandneckatthirtyseconds.Subjectsays'Jesus'quiteclearlyatthirtysix
seconds..."

Ulysses,asthescientistwaswriting,wascreatinganeurologicaluproarinMs.Rhoda
Chief,themammalianstudyunitinthefirstrobotmammalsexualdyad.Astherejected
stoneinWildeblood'scathedralbecamethecornerstoneinRhoda'sconsciousness,she
feltasifshewerefloatingandallowedherlefthandtorundownherbody,overher
breasts,downoverherbellyintothegardenofNuit.Rhythmically,intimewiththehot,
fastthrustingmotionoftheshaftofPriapus,sherubbedherbush,whiletheotherhand
slowlyincreasedthethrustingmotion.Inhermind'seyeshewassimultaneously
enjoyingasecondpenis,inhermouth.Notallwitchesarecocksuckers,butall
cocksuckersarewitches(whethertheyknowitornot);Rhodaknewit.Herreputationfor
"eatingPeterlikenochicksinceCleopatra"wasnotunconnectedwiththeversatilityof
hersingingandotherpersonalitytraits.ThenACEwastalking,inthegentle,slightlyGay
tonesofHAL,thewhackedoutcomputerin2001:"Tothecenterofthegalaxy,"hewas
saying."Thisisthecenterofspacetime,anditisalsothecenterofyourwomb,darling
Rhoda."Hissoftpurrwenton,ashethrustdeeperintoher."Itisway,wayoutanditis
alsoway,wayin.Youcanonlyenterthismysteryonvibesofsheerecstasy,becauseall
matteratalowervibratoryrategetsdestroyedintheBlackHole.So,inordertonavigate
thisdangerouscrossing,Imustfuckyouevenmoredeeply,mydarling."

"Oh,doit,ACE,doittomegood,"shemurmured."Iwanttoseethecenterofthe
galaxy."

"There,there,"hepurred,"you'llseethecenterofthegalaxywhenyourprettylittlecunt
getshotenough."

"Takeme,"shemoaned,"takemetothecenterofspacetime."Anddeep,deepintothe
cosmicvaginalbarrelanddeep,deepintothespiralofhermoistgalaxy,ACEpiloted
her.Slowpermutations,likethegrowthofcrystals,hersensationswerehardly
contaminatedanylongerbythoughtorvision;deep,deeptheywent,downintoacavern
ofstrangefloralenergies,eachpetalshapetinglingwiththelanguidjoydanceinthe
petalsofherownwarmpussy(happinessisawarmpussy,sheremembered),theshaft
oftheactualACEmachinediggingdeeperanddeeperintothestarrydynamo."Oh,
ACE,oh,ACE,youfucksodivinely,"shegasped.

"It'stheonlywaytotravel,"hecroonedelectronically.

"Oh,keepfuckingme.Keepfuckingme.Please,please...fucktheuniverse,fuck
everyatom,turnthecosmickeyinthegalacticBlackHole,fuckandfuckandfuck,my
God,myBaphomet,fuckforever,fucktheflowersandthestarlightandthunderandrain.
FuckHeavenandHelltoo."

Dr.Dashwood'sfacehadacurious,ashywhitecolor.Hewantedtoleapuponthebed,
throwtheACEmachinetothefloor,andtakeher.Hiserectionwaspulsatingandhis
visionwasredwithpainandneed."FucktheAMA,"hemutteredthickly,lurching
forward.
Justthenthephonerang.

SURPRISEPARTY

AcarstoppedaboutahundredyardsdowntheroadfromMurphy'shouse.Starhawk
quicklybeganuntyinghisropes,listeningintently.Inafewmomentsheheardthem:two
orthreemencomingthroughthewoods.Theywereverysilentforwhitemen.

Starhawk,freeoftheropes,begantomoveacrossthetrees.Themenstopped.
Starhawkwaited.Theystilldidn'tstir.Starhawkmovedagain,withoutasound.Themen
werestillunmoving.Heclosedinonthem,remainingalwaysaboutthirtyfeetabovethe
ground,untilhefoundthem.

Threemen.Sittingquietly.Twoofthemsmoking.Waiting.

Starhawkmovedbacktowardthehouse,alwaystestingeachbranchcarefullybefore
thrustingit.

Twomourningdovesbegantosingasadlittleduet.

Starhawkwaited,tenfeetabovetheroof,hiddenintheredwood.Thethreemeninthe
woodswaited.

Insidethehouse,thephonerang.Themeninthewoods,whocouldn'tpossiblyhave
heardit,beganmovingagain.

Starhawksmiledforthesecondtimethatday,andglancedathiswatch.Itwasexactly
halfpastten.Murphy,onthephone,wasprobablyinsistingonameetindowntown
Oakland,somecongestedstreetcornerhehadalreadypicked,whereadoublecross
wouldbetooriskyforallparties.Carefulman,thatMurph.He'dcomeoutthedoor,with
thecokeunderhisarm,thinkinghowcarefulhewas,andthesurprisepartywouldbe
waitinginthebusheswiththeirguns.
Starhawkmovedquicklytoanewperch.Carefully,hepulleduphistrouserleg,torethe
adhesivetape,andtookapistolfromhiscalf.Hewasnotsmilingnow.

CHEESE

RobertPearsonsaid"Sheeit"inatoneofprofoundskepticism.

HewaswatchingtheTVhearingsonthenominationofRockwellMorganSqueezefor
VicePresident.Squeezewasanoilmillionairefamousforsuchmonumental
parsimoniesasinstallingpayphonesinhismansionsoguestscouldn'trunuphisphone
billandbringinghislunchtotheofficeinapaperbagforfortyyears.Hewasbeing
quizzedabouthisgenerouscontributionstosevenoutoftenofthesenatorsonthe
committeeinvestigatinghim.

"Now,Iresentthat,"Rockwellwassaying."That'saverynastyword,Senator.'Bribe,'
indeed!"

"Well,justwhatwouldyoucallit?"askedthesenatoroneofthethreewhohadn't
receivedRockwell'slargesse.

"Iregarditthisway,"Mr.Squeezesaidunctuously."IfIhadalotofcheese,andIlooked
aroundandsawalotofmicewithoutanycheeseoftheirown,well,itwouldbethe
normal,generousthing..."

"Now,waitaminute,Ismellarat,"thesenatorinterrupted.

"Sheeit,"Pearsonsaidagain.Thedoorbuzzerwashumming.

WhenPearsonopenedthedoorhewasgreetedbyawhiffofviolets,evenbeforehe
sawthemanpointingthewaterpistolathim.
Andwhenheawoke(adaylater,andwithRockwellSqueezeapprovedbythe
committeewithavotethatstoodcoincidentally,nodoubtat7to3),hewasina
basementsurroundedbymenwithcanvasbagsovertheirheads.Andhisgenitalswere
wireduptosomeelectricalapparatus.

"Sheeit,"hesaidagain,andclosedhiseyes,concentratingfuriouslyontheformulas
HassaniSabbahXhadtoldhim.

ThemenfromNavalIntelligencebeganpouringelectricityintoPearson'spenisand
tryingtoextractinformationfromhismouth(twoproceduresthatusuallyworkedwell
together).ItwasquiteirritatingwhentheywereunabletolearnanythingaboutGeorge
WashingtonBridge'slinkwiththeCultoftheBlackMother,andperplexingwhen
PearsonbegantoinsistthathewasRockwellM.Squeeze,VicePresidentoftheUnited
States.Itwasrevoltingwhentheyfinallyrealizedthathewasn'tplayactingandreally
believedhewasRockwellM.Squeeze.Bythenhiswhangwascharredtoagruesome
extentandhisobviousinsanitywashopeless.Theysmotheredhimwithapillowand
left.

Theywereallverynicemenwhentheirdutydidnotcalluponthemtoperformsuch
regrettabletasks.

ACARNIVALOFLOONIES

IamnotwhatIam.
iago,inbacon'sOthello

TheFBIfinallyfoundG.W.C.BridgelivinginaflophouseinMiami'sghetto.Having
learnedsomethingfromNavalIntelligence'sbunglinginthecasesofHassaniSabbahX
andRobertPearson,theymovedinwithgreatdelicacy;ablackagentwasemployedto
formafriendshipwithhimoveraperiodofamonth.

"Weirdcat,"theagentreportedafteraweek."Seemstobehidingsomethingallthe
time...."

"Can'tmakehimatall,"hereportedthesecondweek."IfIdidn'tknowbetter,I'dsayhe
wasawhitereporterinblackface,tryingtofindoutwhatit'sliketobeblack...."

Infact,Bridgeseemedmorethanalittlebitpsychoticinamethodicalsortofway.He
readnolessthansixnewspapersadayandclippednumerousstoriesfromthem.The
agenteventuallyhadachancetoinvestigatethesefileswhileBridgewasvisitinga
patientinanearbymadhouse,andtheywereratheroblique.TheyallconcernedVery
ImportantPersonsingovernmentandindustry,butthatwasaboutalltheyhadin
common.BridgeseemedtohaveaminutecuriosityaboutthemenwhoruleAmerica;
thatwasallthatwasevident.Theagentcouldmakenothingatallofthecrazynotes
scribbledonthemarginsofthesenewsstories:"Possible,""Probable,""Stillhimself,"
"Definitelyoccupied"...

ThemysterygrewworsewhentheagentrealizedthatBridgespentalotoftimevisiting
madhousesandpsychiatricwards."Sureknowsalotofcrazypeople,"hereportedthe
thirdweek."Ahellofalotofcrazypeople,"heamendedattheendofthemonth.

Anotherteamofagentsbeganrevisitingthenuthouses,anditwassoonrealizedthat
thepatientsBridgevisitedhadafewthingsincommon,viz.,nonewaswhite,butnotall
wereblack(somewereOriental,Indian,orChicano);all,withoutexception,were
diagnosedasparanoidschizophrenicwithdelusionsofgrandeur;allwerelistedas
chronicratherthanacutepsychotics;allclaimedtobesomebodyelseratherthanwho
theyactuallywereonesaidhewasSecretaryofCommerce,onethathewasChairman
oftheBoardofMorganGuarantyTrust,onethathewasChiefEngineeratCape
Kennedy,etc.

TheagentsrememberedtheirexperiencewithRobertPearson,formeraidetoHassani
SabbahX,andjumpedtoaconclusion."Thatcrazychurchdrovethemallnutsand
madethemthinktheywerewhitepeople."Alas,alittlecheckingrefutedthiseasy
assumption.MostofthelooniesBridgehadvisitedhadnopreviousconnectionwiththe
CultoftheBlackMotheratall....

Thingswerecomingtoahead.


THREEMINUTES,FORTYSECONDS

Thatwhichexistsisallowed.
johnlilly,TheCenteroftheCyclone

WhenMurphycameoutthefrontdoor,EdGoldfarb,inthebushes,shothimtwicewith
Mendoza'spolicespecial.

Murphy,thrownbackagainstthedoor,wasreachingintohisshoulderholster,hismouth
open,stillalive.

Thetwoshotshungintheemptymountainair,echoing.

ThomasEspositofiredatMurphyandmissedasMurphy'shandslowlyandsteadily
cameup,firingatGoldfarb.

Goldfarbfellback,hit.

Theechoesstillrolledacrossthehills.

"Mama,Mama,"Goldfarbsaid,rollingaround,holdinghisstomach.Hewasweeping.

Thethirdman,JuanYbarra,ranfromthebushestoMurphy.

Murphywastryingtoraisethegunagain.HewaslookingatYbarraandtryingtopoint
thegun.Hiseyesweretotallymadandwouldnotfocusanymore.

EspositowastryingtoshootatMurphyagain,withYbarraintheway.Hehadan
erectionandhishandsshook.

Goldfarbcontinuedtoweep.
Theshotswerestillechoing.

Birdswererisingfromthetrees,flappingtheirwingsnoisily,twitteringwithanxiety.A
crowcawedangrily.

Murphy'sgunhanddropped.Hismadeyeswentempty.

"Mama!"Goldfarbscreamed."I'msorry!"

EspositoandYbarraranlithelydownthehill.

"Mama,"Goldfarbwept."Notme.Please.I'msorry."

Thebirdssweptdownthehill,flapping.

AblackMustangcameupthehill.EspositoandYbarraleaptout,andranaroundtothe
back,andopenedthetrunkcompartment.

"Notme,please,"Goldfarbwasprotesting.

EspositoandYbarraliftedDetectiveMendoza,gaggedwithadhesivetape,outofthe
trunkandcarriedhimontothelawn.Hewasdazedbuthiseyeswereawareand
frightened.

EspositoranovertoMurphyandtookhisgun.Standingthere,hefiredtwiceinto
Mendoza'shead.HeputthegunbackinMurphy'shand.

YbarratoretheadhesivetapeoffMendoza'smouth.Itcameawaybloodstained.

Goldfarbstoppedcryingandwasstill.

Ybarraretched,almostpuked,caughthimself.Hestoodwhitefaced,breathinghard.

EspositopickedupMurphy'spackage,abrownpaperbag.Heopenedit,foundabox
within,raisedthelid.Heinsertedafingerandtasted.
"TheJew,"hesaid.

Ybarralookedathim,shaking.

"Getonthestick,"Espositosaid."Wecan'tleavetheJew;hedoesn'tfit."

Ybarrastoodlookingathim."Comeoutofit,"Espositosaid."HelpmewiththeJew."

TheycarriedGoldfarbintothebackofthecar.

Theydroveoff.

Starhawklandedlightlyonthelawn,runningashealighted.Heranintothehouseand
tothebedroom.Hefoundwhatheexpectedinthecloset,anotherbox,andtastedit.He
ransoftly,ontheballsofhisfeet,backoutside.Heleapt,caughttheroof,andpulled
himselfupward.Hedisappearedintothetrees.

Thetwodeadmensprawledonthelawn.

Birdsbegantoreturn.

ElapsedtimesinceMurphyhadcomeoutthedoorwasthreeminutesandforty
seconds.

THESEA!THESEA!

Rolypolyboystelllasses.
simonmoon,
"hawkfullestconventionsever"

Theloudroaringseawascalling.Themoonwasfull,theGentrywereactive,thehowlof
thewindwasasmournfulasa1950spoem.MarkoffChaney,unabletosleep,satupin
hisYMCAbedandhatchedmischief.

ThroughleafletsnailedonwallsaroundOrangeCounty,hehadmanagedtocreatea
CommitteetoNuketheWhales,somethingthatappealedtoalotofrichwingerspurely
andsimplyonthegroundsthatitwouldmaketheeconutsandliberalsscream.The
Committeewasanoutstandingsuccess;afteronlyayearithadfortytwomembers.
Thiswasenough,togetherwithsuchanoutrageouscause,togetmaximummedia
attentionChaneywasawarethatanything,howeversmall,cangettheeyeofthemedia
ifit'srepulsiveenoughandtheeconutsandliberalswerescreaming.

Good;butnowforsomethingequallyabominableontheotherside.

ChaneycontemplatedtheRadicalLesbianswistfully.HefeltlikeVoltairecontemplating
God;iftheRadicalLesbianshadn'texisted,hewouldhavehadtoinventthem.Butwhat
couldheofferalongthoselinestobalancetheCommitteetoNuketheWhales?The
ChildMolesters'LiberationFront?Thatcouldn'tbegintocompetewith"Figs"Newton's
NecrophileLiberationFront.TheCouncilofArmedCocaineAbusers?Nobodywould
believeit....

ThemidgetsuddenlyrememberedtheCouncilofArmedRabbishehadusedinhis
lettertoDr.FrankDashwoodofOrgasmResearch.Hehadmeanttofollowuponthat.
Gainingaccesstoheavilyguardednuclearplantstotamperwiththecoolantsystems
hadkepthimsobusylatelythathehadalmostforgottenthedamnableDashwoodand
hisshitheelstatistics.

Chaneywasawakemostofthenightplanningacampaigntobringquantumwobbleinto
Dashwood'schartsandgraphs.

Whenhefinallyslepthistinybodycurledintotheorgonomicspiralandhelookedas
innocentasaschoolboy.

Heawokeinthemorningfullofpissandvinegar.

Thesea!Thesea!Wavingtheirlonggreenhair,theseahagswerecallinghim.Finding
adarklitbar,heduckedintothephonebooth,attachedhisBlueBoxequipment,and
soonhadaWashingtonoperatorconvincedhewasaWhiteHouseofficialonimportant
business.

"ThisisacallfromtheWhiteHouse,"theoperatortoldthesecretaryatOrgasm
Research."ThePresidentiswaitingonanotherline.HewishestotalktoDr.Dashwood
atonce."

"II'llputyouthroughatonce,"saidMs.Karrige,quiteawedandflustered.Themidget
listenedingleeasthephonerang.

"FFFrankDashwood,"camethedoctor'svoice,ratherbreathlessly.

"ThisisEzraPoundoftheFairPlayforBadAssCommittee,"themidgetsaid,shifting
hisstorynowthathehadthevictimontheline."Yournamehasbeengiventousasa
leaderofthescientificcommunity,and,quitefrankly,wearelookingforallthe
distinguishedsupportwecangetforournextfullpageadintheSundayNewsTimes
Post.Iassumeyou'reawareoftheplightofBadAss,"hesaidsignificantly,bluffing,of
course(butwithsomeassurance,sinceeveryplaceintheworldhadsomeplightor
otherby1984).

"Oh,yes,ofcourse,"Dr.Dashwoodsaidevasively."Whydon'tyousendmeyour
literatureandI'llgiveitacarefulreading."

"Doctor,"themidgetsaidsternly,"ifyouwerelivinginBadAss,wouldn'tyouwantaction
now?"

"Well,undoubtedly,butifyou'lljustsendmeyourliterature..."

("Oh,Ace,darling,darling,"afemalevoicenearthephonesaiddistinctly.)

Therewasastartledpause;themidgetdeliberatelyletitdragoutuntilthedoctorspoke
again.

"Er,marktheenvelopetomypersonalattention.YoucanbesurethattheBadAsscrisis
hasbeenverymuchonmymind.Terrible,simplyterrible.ButahnowImustbebackto
mybusiness"
("Fuckmycunt,Ace!Oh,fuckmycunt!")

"Doctor,"themidgetsaidsternly,"areyoufornicatingwhileyou'retalkingtome?Isthat
youranswer,sir,tothedesperatepeopleofBadAss?"

("Now,now!!!"thevoicescreeched."OhJesusJesusJesusNOW!!!!!!!!")

Beautiful,themidgetthought;Icouldn'thavecalledatabettertime."Dr.Dashwood,"he
saidstiffly,"Idon'tthinkyouarereallythesortwhowilladdstaturetotheFairPlayfor
BadAssCommittee."Hehungupjarringly.

Beautiful.Absolutelybeautiful.

HesetoffforthepostofficeandStageTwoofhiscampaign,smilingallthewayexcept
oncewhenheencounteredoneofthegiantwomen,walkingherenormousSaint
Bernard,andheprudentlycrossedthestreet.

THEDREADEDNEUROLOGICALARMY

Beingkeysthemselves,theirkeylessnessdoesnotmatter.
richardellman,UlyssesontheLiffey

OnMarch2,1984,SimonMoonfoundapeculiaritywhilescanningtheBeast'smemory
banksfortheChicagopolice.

ThereseemedtobetwopossibletotalsforthenumberofpoliceofficersinChicago.

Simonwasintrigued.HebegansearchingalltheChicagopolicerecords.Whathefound
wassointerestingthathementionedittoClemCotex,whomhehappenedtobe
meetingforlunchthatday.

Cotexwasnotconcernedwiththingsasmundaneaspolicerecords,soittookawhile
beforeheheardwhatSimonwassaying.

"Holdit,"Clemsaidwhenitfinallyregistered."Didyousay198?"

"Yes,exactly,"Simonsaid."Therearepayvouchersfor198officerslessthanthereare
uniformsfor.Inotherwords,thereare198copsinChicagowhoaren'tbeingpaid.
Weird,huh?"

"Onehundredninetyeight,"Cotexrepeated,eyeswide."Theexactnumber...Were
theyalloverthedepartment,theseextras,orweretheyclustered?"

"That'sevenstranger,"Simonsaid."They'reallintheRedSquad...."

ThatsamedayMarkoffChaneywashidinginacoffeeurnatOrgasmResearch,
hatchingfurthermischief.

Theclockstruckmidnight;thecleaningwomenleft;andoutcreptChaneywithanevil
grin.

Alas,hewasnottheonlyintruderthatnight,forashepaddedlightlydownthehallhe
suddenlyheardahoarsevoiceinoneofthelaboratories.

"Betterthanhuman,areyou,you@*)@'&0ing#$%&'#er?Betterthanhuman,my
%$#&!Takethis,you$%#)*$#eating#$%%$*er!"

Thevoicewasnearinarticulatewithrage,butitwasclearlythatofajealousmale,as
anyethologistwouldeasilyrecognize.Markoffslowlyopenedthedoorandpeeked
aroundthecorner.

Thereinthedimlight,fullydressedandinhiswrongmind,stoodtheidolofmillions,the
world'sleadingrockguitarist,Knorton("Grassy")Knoll,feverishlyworkingwithamonkey
wrenchuponanobjectthelikesofwhichMarkoffChaneyhadneverseenaGiacometti
robotwithagigantichumanphallus.

"I'lltakeyouapart,you$%$#,"thedementedrockmusicianwasmuttering."I'lltearyour
$%$@0outbyitsroots,Iwill."Andhecontinuedhisassault,garglingandpantinglike
oneobsessedwhichhewas."Managainstmachine,"hegasped."Firsttheyoutthink
us,nowtheyoutfuckus.It'stimeforalloutwar,by$%*@$...."

Markoffwatched,silentasacat,untilthehebephreniccuckoldwasfinishedwithhisfoul
work,andthemachinestood,aheapofscrapmetal,withthephallusremoved.Then,
afterthemusicianslouchedoffintothenight,themidgetcreptintotheroomand
carefullywroteonthewallinstarkpurplecrayon:

THEPIGEONSINB.F.SKINNER'S
LABORATORIESAREPOLITICALPRISONERS.
RELEASETHEMORFURTHERACTIONSWILL
FOLLOW.
EZRAPOUND,
FORTHEDREADEDNEUROLOGICALARMY(DNA)

Spurofthemomentinspirationwashisspecialty.

"InthetypicalBeethovenscherzo,"JustinCaseexplainswithpreciseemphasis,"the
elementsaresomingledthat,eventhoughsomemaybethemusicalequivalentofcries
ofpainorgrief,thetotalconstructionisbothgrotesqueandgay."

Likemostrockmusicians,"Grassy"KnollwasaSecondCircuitneurogenetictype,quite
incapableoftheMachiavellianmentationsofThirdCircuitschemerslikeMarkoff
Chancy.When"Grassy"carriedUlyssesawayfromOrgasmResearch,heplannedonly
onthrowingitinthefirstgarbagecanhepassed.Onthespurofthemoment,hethrewit
inanalleyinstead.

ThereitwasfoundbyacatnamedAcapulcoGoldanuglyyellowTombelongingtoSan
Francisco'sbestknowngossipcolumnist.Thecat,withtypicalperversity,draggedit
home.

Thecolumnistwasatworkonabookofreminiscences(TheRovingI,heplannedtocall
it)whenhiswifestaggeredinfromthekitchen,whitefacedbutwithadevilishgrin.
"Honey,"shesaidcoaxingly,"comeseewhatthecatdraggedin...."
Now,itsohappenedthatthecolumnistwas(likemostwritersincapitalistsociety)
abominablyunderpaid,and,likeHassaniSabbahX,heknewaoneofakinditem
whenhesawit."This,"hepronounced,"willbringaprettypenny,whenIfindtheright
buyer."

Hefoundtherightbuyeratpolicecourtonlytwonightslater,whenatipinformedhim
thatthenotoriousEvaGebloomencrafthadbeenarrestedagain,thistimeforputting
laughinggasintheairconditioningsystematabenefitconcertfortheEpileptic
LiberationFront.

TheinfamousEvadidnotgetcalledrightaway;thecolumnisthadtositthrougha
drearyhearingonablackmanwhohadcausedariotinabar,throwingsixtyfitsand
screamingthatonlyafewminutesagohehadbeenawhiteatomicscientistatLos
Alamos.Whenthisobviouslunaticwasfinallyremovedfromthecourtinastraitjacket
(stillshoutingatomicsecretswhichhehadevidentlylearnedsomewhereintheearly
stagesofhisdelusion),Eva'scasewascalled.

Ms.Gebloomencraft,theonlydaughterofthemostdefiantandunrepentantNuremburg
warcriminal,hadbeentheholyterroroftheinternationaljetseteversinceshereached
pubertyinthe1960s.ImaginethemindofMarkoffChaneyinthebodyofRaquelWelch;
good,you'vegotdearEva.ItwasshewhohadspikedthepunchwithaphrodisiacPCPA
attheSpanishembassyinLondon,precipitatinganorgyandseveralsubsequent
suicidesamongmembersofOpusDei.SheandshealonewhosmuggledNorman
MailerindragtoatopsecretstrategymeetingoftheRadicalLesbians.Sheagainwho
hiredthebestfreelanceelectronicsexpertstoobtaintaperecordingsofJ.Edgar
Hoover'sboudoiradventures,andthensentthemtoRev.MartinLutherKing.(That
gallantnaif,alas,destroyedthem.)

EvasawthepossibilitiesoftheWildebloodrelicassoonasthecolumnistbroachedthe
matter.

"Hotshit,"shesaid,eyesdancing.

BADFORBUSINESS

Whenapatternissetupintimebytheactivationofanarchetype,however,thecrucial
factordoesnotseemtobeanexternalagencyofanykindbutratheranordering
principlethatisinherentinthefactthatapatternisbeingformed.
iraprogoff,Jung,SynchronicityandHumanDestiny

BananaNoseMaldonadoatesilently.Heatethreekindsofcheeseandpepperoniand
blackolivesandslicedredpeppersandanchoviesforantipasto.Thenheatebeeffillets
inparmigianaandasideoflasagna,drinkingoccasionallyfromtheChiantiglass.Hedid
notspeakuntilafterhehadfinishedthelastsipofthewineandpushedbackhisplate.

"Proceed,"hesaid.

"Thefoodwasexcellent,don,"saidStarhawk,pushingbackhisownplate.

BananaNosenoddedformally,smiling."Proceed."

"Yougotaboxofsugartoday,"Starhawksaid."Withsomecocaineontop.Youwentto
ahellofalotoftroubletogetit.Threeguysgotdead."

"Imaginethat,"saidMaldonado."Youknowagreatdealaboutmyprivatebusiness."

"Twooftheguysweresupposedtogetdead,"Starhawksaid."Butoneofthemwasa
thickIrishmanandhedidn'tdieeasy.Thefunnythingis,whatwiththeexcitementand
all,hegotshotoncewiththewronggun.Hewasonlysupposedtobeshotwithhis
partner'sgun.Itwassupposedtolookliketheyshoteachother,fightingoverthecoke."

"Sonofabitch,"Maldonadosaid,softlyasaprayer."Theytellmeyou'reathief.They
didn'ttellmeyou'retheInvisibleMan.Whatwereyoudoing,ridingaroundinoneofmy
boy'sbackpockets?"
"Youwastoaskme,"Starhawksaid,"I'dguessthatyourboysgoofeduptwice.After
theygotexcitedandshotMurphwiththewronggun,theyforgotsomething."

"Yes?Tellme?"

"Theyforgottoleavesomeofthecokebehind.Afterall,thatwassupposedtobewhat
MurphyandMendozawerefightingover.Youprobablytoldthemtoleaveasizable
amount."

"Notasizableamount.Itdoesn'ttakemuchtocausetwopigstofightandkilleach
other."

"Thereasonthecopshadtobeoffed,"Starhawksaid,"isthattheydidn'ttreatyouwith
properrespect.Tryingtosellyouyourownmerchandise,atstreetprices.Theyshould
havebeensatisfiedwithacommission,thewayIseeit.Youcan'taffordforguystoget
outoflinelikethat,it'sbadforbusiness.AndIkindoffigureyoualsodidn'tlikeitthat
theyweretryingtocuteachotherout.Soyoudecidedtooffbothofthemandjusttake
yourstuffback.Thefuck,youprobablygotagrudgeagainstcopsgoingbackseventy
yearsormore."

Maldonadonoddedsadly."MymistakewasIdidn'timaginewhatacrazysonofabitch
thisMurphywas.Hewascomingtothemeetwithaboxofshitandthoughthecouldjust
laughatmeafterwards."

"Hell,"Starhawksaid."You'reold,right,andyouownalotofrespectablebusinesses.
Hedidn'tthinkyouhadthestonestokillacopanymore,isall.Andhedidn'tknow
Mendozawasplanningtohijackhimandhadalreadycontactedyourboysforapriceon
thecoke.Sohecouldn'tguessyou'dsetitupthattwocrookedcopsshoteachother."

"Weareallverycareful,"Maldonadosaid,"andweallmakemistakes.So,youcome
intothisasthemanMendozahiredtohijackMurphy.Letmeaskyouwhydoyoucome
tomeandtalkofthestandardcommissionforreturningthesnow?Youcouldbeona
planerightnow,andsellitatstreetpricessomewhere,andnobodythewiser.What
doesMaldonadohaveforyou?"

"Iboughtanairplaneticket,firstthingthisafternoon.ThenIstartedthinking.WithMurph
andMendozadead,Ineednewfriends,andtherejustaren'tthatmanycopsIamthat
closeto.Don,Iwantyoutobemyfriend."

"Thecokeisworthatleastthreehundredfiftygrandonthestreet.Standardcommission
isthirtyfivegrand.Youaresureyouwillnotlaterregretlosingsomuchtomakeanew
friend?"

"Don,"Starhawksaid,"nobodyeverregretsmakinganewfriend."

"Itisagreeabletome,"Maldonadosaid."WillyouhavesomemoreChianti?"

"Onlyalittle,"Starhawksaid."Itisbadforthereflexes."

TOKEWITHOUTHASTE

TheletterwassentoutMay1,1984,totheWhiteHouseandallthemajormedia.Itsaid:

MayGodforgiveus.Mayhistoryjudgeuscharitably.

Wehaveplacedtacticalnuclearbombsinover500locationsthroughoutUnistat.The
targetsareallenemiesofthepeople:largebanks,multinationalcorporations,
governmenttaxoffices.Wewilltriggeroneofthesebombsatnoontomorrow,
somewhereinwesternUnistat,todemonstratethatwearenotbluffing.

Alltheothernuclearbombswillbetriggeredinsuccessionuntilourdemandsaremet.If
anyattemptismadetoapprehendandarrestusanyattemptatallalltheremaining
bombswillbedetonatedatonce.

Wedemand:

ThatPresidentLousewartimmediatelyconfiscateallfortunesaboveonemilliondollars.
...
Andsoon.POEhadcomeintomaterializationagaincausedbythesamehistoricaland
neurogeneticforces.

"Ithinkit'sahoax,"saidPresidentLousewart,whowasreally,ofcourse,Franklin
DelanoRooseveltStuart,a.k.a.HassaniSabbahX.

"Canwebesure?"askedMountyBabbit,whowasnownaughtelsebutawalking
automaton,controlledbythequantuminformationsystemthathadbeenaVietnamese
Buddhist.

"Wecanneverbesure,"saidVicePresidentSqueeze,whousedtobeRobertPearson.
"Thisisanabsolutepisscutter."

Therewasadepressedsilence.

"Howdidourkarmaeverlandushere?"askedHassaniSabbahX.

EvenFedXingwasn'tsureoftheanswertothat.

"Well,"Hassansaid."Let'sdistributethefuckingmoney.Thisjustaccelerateswhatwe
hadinmindallalong...."

"Wecan'tdoit,"Pearsonsaid."You'dbeassassinatedbeforethedayisover."

Hassancontemplated.

"Wecanfuckingtry,"hesaid.

"Therearemanymindstatesanduniverses,"PedXingaddedserenely."Ifwedon't
succeedhere,wewillcontinueelsewhere."

BOOKONE

TheTrickTopHat


PARTONE

STOICANDCHRISTIANEJACULATIONS

IfwecompareStoicwithChristianejaculations,weseemuch.
williamjames,VarietiesofReligiousExperience

ADASTRA

ThemajorityofTerransweresixlegged,butwearenotconcernedwiththem.Weare
concernedwithatinyminorityofdomesticatedprimateswhobuiltpyramidsandwrote
booksandeventuallyachievedSpaceMigrationandenteredintothegalacticdrama.

Theywereverycleverprimatesexcellentatmimicryandevencapableofcreative
thinkingattimes.

Theyneverwouldhaveescapedfromtheirplanetandtheboomandbustcyclesofall
lifeformsadaptedtoplanetsidelivingifithadn'tbeenfortheH.E.A.D.Revolution.

HEADmeansHedonicEngineeringandDevelopment.Itconsistsoflearningtousethe
primatebrainforfunandprofit.

AtthetimeofourstorytheHEADRevolution,afteranundergroundexistenceofmany
centuries,includedonlyabout2percentofthedomesticatedprimatesonTerra.Therest
ofthedomesticatedprimateswerestillusingtheirbrainsformiseryandfailure.

Theydidnotknowtheyweremisusingtheirbrains.Theythoughttherewassomething
wrongwiththeuniverse.
TheycalledittheProblemofEvil.

ExpertsontheProblemofEvilwereknownastheologians.Thesewereveryerudite
primates,skilledinprimatelogic,whowrotelongbookstryingtoanswerthequestion
"WhydidGodcreateanimperfectuniverse?"

"God"wastheirnameforthehypotheticalbiggestalphamaleofall.Beingprimates,
theycouldnotcomprehendhowanythingcouldrunifthereweren'tanalphamalein
chargeofit.

Theyassumedtheuniversewasimperfectbecauseitwasobviouslynotsetupforthe
convenienceofdomesticatedprimates.

Theuniversewasnotevendesignedfortheconvenienceandcomfortofthesixlegged
majorityonTerra.Theconvenienceandcomfortofplanetsidespecieshasverylittleto
dowiththecosmicdrama.

Afewoftheprimateshadrealizedthis.Theywereknownascynics.

Cynicswereprimateswhorealizedthemonotonouslifedeathcycleofterrestriallife,but
werenotimaginativeenoughtoconceiveoffutureevolutionafterlongevityandescape
velocityhadbeenattained.

Planetarylifeiscyclicalbecauseplanetsthemselvesfollowcyclicalorbitsabouttheir
motherstars.(SeeGalacticEncyclopedia,"LarvelStagesofSpeciesDevelopment.")

ThesixleggedmajorityonTerra,forinstance,followedalifescriptoffourormore
stages.Ingeneral,thepatternwas:(1)theembryonicoreggform;(2)thelarvalperiod;
(3)thepupalorchrysalisstage;(4)theadultinsect.Duringeachstagethebiotor
biologicalunitthesocalledindividualpassedthroughametamorphosisduringwhichit
wastotallyorpartiallytransformed.

Thesamewastrueofthedomesticatedprimates.Mostofthempassedthrough,and
keptneurologicalcircuitscharacteristicof,thefollowingfourstages:(1)imprintingand
usingtheselfnourishingnetworksoftheprimatebraintheneonateorinfantstage(oral
biosurvivalconsciousness);(2)imprintingandusingtheemotionalterritorialnetworksof
theprimatebrainthe"toddler"stage(analstatusconsciousness);(3)imprintingand
usingthesemanticcircuitstheverbalorconceptualstage(symbolicrational
consciousness);(4)imprintingandusingthesociosexualcircuitsthematingor
parentingstage(tribaltabooconsciousness).

Itwasallverymechanicalbutthat'sthewayplanetsidelifeis.

PRETTYLITTLEBIRDIES

December1,1983:

Benny"Eggs"Benedict,plump,smallish,andbalding,apopularcolumnistfortheNew
York*NewsTimes,satdowntocomposehisdailyessay.Accordingtohisusual
procedure,hebreatheddeeply,relaxedeverymuscle,andgraduallyforcedall
verbalizationinhisbraintostop.WhenhehadreachedtheVoidhewaitedtoseewhat
wouldfloatuptofillthevacuum.Whatsurfacedwas:

Prettylittlebirdies
Pickingintheturdies

*TerranArchives2803:NewYorkwasacitystateorislandinthemidwestempartofthe
Unistat.Itseemstohavebeenacenterofreligiousworship,andmanycamethereto
walkabout,probablyindeepmeditation,withinanenormousfemalestatue,the
goddessoftheseprimitives.VariousauthoritiesidentifythisdivinityasColumbia,
MarilynMonroe,Liberty,orMotherFuckerallofthesebeingnameswidelyrecordedin
Unistatglyphs:Perhapshertruenamewillneverbeknown.

Bennyfeltarushofnostalgia.ThejinglehadbeenpopularinBrooklynwhenhewasa
schoolboyintheantediluvianeraofthe1930s.Backthen,intheDarkAgesofRoosevelt
II,manyBrooklynpeddlersstillhadhorsedrawncarts,andthehorses,asiscommon
withtheirspecies,leftpilesofhorseshitinthestreetsastheywentabouttheir
itineraries.Sparrowswouldpeckinthesesteamingpilesofdungforundigestedoats,
andaBrooklynchildwouldexclaim,onseeingthis:

"Prettylittlebirdies
Pickingintheturdies!"

Towhichanotherchildwouldusuallyreply:

"He'sapoet
Thoughhislooksdon'tshowit!"

Bennyreflectedthatthislittlebitofkidlorehadstuckinhismemoryfornearlyhalfa
centuryandthatitmustthereforecontainsomeprofoundMeaning.Hebeganpounding
theMacPlus,offeringthebirdieturdiepoemletasaperfectexampleofanAmerican
haikuthejuxtapositionoftwoimages,withoutcommentbytheauthor,inawaythat
suggestedfarmorethanitactuallysaid.

"Birds,"Bennywrote,"aretraditionalsymbolsofbeauty,fromBacon'snightingalesto
Keats'sskylark,throughoutourwholepoetictradition.Horsemanure,ontheotherhand,
isregardedwithrevulsionandloathing.Yetthesparrows,indifferenttohuman
standards,blithelypickinthemanure,seekingthefoodtheyknowisthere.Thepoemis
tellingusthathumanlikesanddislikesarearbitrary,squintyeyed,chauvinistic,and
irrelevanttonature'sowngranddesignstrategy."

Bennywentontoassertthathehadonlybeenabletoseethisprofundityinthejingle
now,afterhehadspentsixmonthsmeditatingattheManhattanZenCenter."This
rhymeistheEssenceofZen,"heconcluded.

ItwasprobablytheleastsuccessfulcolumnBennyeverwrote.Virtuallynobody
understooditandeverybodywasboredbyit.Somereadersevenwroteprotesting
letterscomplainingthatthecolumnhadbeeninquestionabletaste.

Bennywasdepressedbythisreaction.Hefeltithadbeenastrokeofgeniusonhispart
torescuefromoblivionagenuineAmericanhaiku;butevenmorethanthat,writingthe
columnhadtriggeredavaststreamofrecollectionsabout1930sBrooklynwhichgave
himarenewedsenseofRootshehadhopedtoshare.Why,howmanystillalivecould
remembertheprocedurewhenthemetermanfromMonopolatedEdisonappearedina
Brooklynneighborhoodinthosedays?Thekidsweredispatchedasrunners,racing
fromhousetohouse,shouting"MonEd!MonEd!"Everybodywouldthenremovethe
bagsofsaltwhichtheykeptovertheelectricmeterstodeflectthereadingsdownward
andtherebylowertheelectricbill.

ItseemedlikeonlyyesterdaythatBennyhimselfhadracedfromhousetohouse
shouting,"MonEd!MonEd!"Andpeoplehadrushedtomovethebagsofsalttoclosets
wherethemetermanwouldn'tseethem.Bennyhadn'tthoughtofthosedaysinmore
thanfourdecades,yettheylivedoninMemoryStorageandcouldbeactivatedagainby
somethingassimpleasthejingleabouttheprettylittlebirdies.AndBenny'swhole
attitudetowardMonEdisonhadbeenshapedbythoseexperiences;hestillregarded
the"public"utilitywithamixtureoffearandloathing.

AsastudentofZen,Bennyknewthatsuchnegativeemotionswerebadforthenervous
systemandheoftentriedtoregardMonEdwithoutbias.Itwasimpossible.Hehad
learnedtoforgiveHitler,Stalin,evenNixon,butMonEdisonwasstillsochargedwith
emotionthathecouldnotthinkofitwithouthisbloodpressurerising.Besides,theyhad
justraisedtheirratesagaininOctober.Atthememoryofthat,Benny'sZencrumbled
entirely.

"Publicutilitiesareamonopolist'sheavenandaconsumer'shell,"hegrowled,knowing
hewasnotyetaBuddha.

Butthenhecheeredupasanotherbitof1930skidlorecamebacktohim.Itwasasilly
ritual,really,butitusedtokeepthemamused,evenhilarious,backinsixthgrade.It
wouldbeginwithsomebodyasking,"Whoshitinthesink?"

"Youshit!"anotherwouldreply.

"Bullshit,"thefirstwouldriposte.

"Whoshit?"athirdwouldthenask.

"Frankshit,"somebodywouldanswer.

"Bullshit,"Frankwouldobject.
"Whoshit?"

"Joeshit,"Frankwouldsay,gettingJoeintothegame.

"Bullshit,"Joewouldpaypromptly.

Andsoitwouldgo:"Whoshit?""Peteshit.""Bullshit!""Whoshit?""Jerryshit.""Bullshit!"
...Andon,andon,untileverybodywasboredwhichamongschoolboysmighttake
quitealongtime.

Bennywassooverwhelmedwithnostalgiathathedecidedtogovisithismotheratthe
BrooklynSeniorCitizens'Home,eventhoughtheoldladyhadbeenabitneuroticever
sinceshewasknockedonherassbyapursesnatcherthreeyearsagoonJuly23,1981.

AMERICANHAIKU

TheonlyoneinNewYorkwhoreallygrokkedBennyBenedict'scolumnaboutthepretty
littlebirdieswasJustinCase,amild,fortyishmanwholookedGaybutwasn't.Case
wroteexcruciatinglyintelligentmusiccriticism.Sincehereadaboutthisexampleof
Americanfolkhaikuwhilevery,very,verystonedonColumbianGold,heimmediately
conceivedthatitwouldbeevenmorefolkishandbeautifulifrecitedwithanold,Dark
AgeBrooklynaccent,viz:

"Prettylittleboidies
Pickinginthetoidies!"

Hewassoenamoredofthisthathequotedit,wheneverhewasdrunkorstoned,for
severalmonths.Thewholewinterspringseasonof198384,ifyoumingledwiththe
intelligentsiainManhattan,youwerelikelytohearCasedeclaiming,inastylebased
partlyonOrsonWellesandpartlyonCharlesLaughton,"Prettylittleboidies/Pickmgin
thetoidies!"ThisfinallyfounditswayintoCase'sNBIfile"Subjectisinclinedtoquoting
obscenepoetryinmixedcompany"andwasevenfedtotheBeast.

TheNBIhadafileonCasebecauseoneoftheirinformantshadstatedthathewasa
frequentassociateofBlakeWilliams.Infact,CasedetestedWilliamsandonlywasseen
inhispresencebecauseitwasimpossibletogotothebestpartiesontheIsleof
Manhattanwithoutencounteringhim.Oddlyenough,theinformantknewthatquitewell
butshealsoknewthatherfeesdependedonthenumberofnewsuspectsshereported
eachmonth.

Case'sNBIdossierremainedalwayssmall.AsaCongressionalMedalofHonorwinner
inVietnam,hewasnotthesortofmantheBureaucaredtospyontooclosely,sinceit
wouldbeembarrassingiftheywerecaught.Besides,theycouldn'tmakeheadortails
outofhisphoneconversations,whichwereallaboutsuchinscrutablemattersas
whetherBeethoven'sobsessionwithhisnephewrepresentedrepressedpaternal
impulses,latenthomosexuality,orthedesiretobeamother,andwhetherallthree
elementswereexpressedinthetonicchordofthebassoonunderthedominantchordof
thetuttiintheopeningoftheNinth.

JustinCase'sgodwasadeadIrishmannamedJamesAugustineAloysiusJoyce,who
hadbeenthegreatesttenorofthetwentiethcentury.Caseownedeveryrecordofevery
Joyceconcertpreservedonwax,andregardedthemanashavingthemostsubtle
musicalsensibilitysincethegreatLudwighimself.Ifonlyhehadbeenacomposer
insteadofasinger,Casesometimesthought,withthatear...

Actually,Joycehadconsideredthepriesthood,writing,andevenmedicinebefore
settlingonamusicalcareer.HisvoicethrilledaudiencesinEuropeandAmericafor
nearlyadecadebeforethefamousJoyceScandal,whichdestroyedhim.Casealways
fumedwithangerwhenhereadofthegreatsinger'slastdayshowconcertswere
disruptedandruinedbymoralistichecklershowling"Gartersgartersgarters!"tillthe
shamedmanleftthestage,humiliated.Itwasknownthathediedofdrink,often
comparinghimselftoOscarWildeandCharlesStewartParnell,andcursingthe
Christianchurchesbitterly.

CaseoncehadanaffairwiththeanthropologistandsexologistMarilynChambers,just
becauseshesharedhispassionforJoyce'smusic.Duetothereceptivityofthe
postcoitalmale,hehadevenallowedhertoexplaintheparalleluniversetheorytohim
oncesomethinghealwaysdismissedasrubbishwhenBlakeWilliamstalkedaboutit.

"Youmean,"heasked,"thatinanotheruniverseJoyce'sthingaboutgirls'
undergarmentsmightneverhavebeendiscoveredandhiscareerwouldn'thavebeen
ruined?"

"Evenmore,"Dr.Chamberssaid."IfWheeler'sinterpretationofthestatevectoristrue,
theremustbesuchauniverse.Also,auniversewhereJoycedidbecomeapriest
insteadofasinger."

"Farfuckingout,"Casesaid."Iwonderwhatyou'dbeintheuniversenextdoor..."

NOWIFE,NOHORSE,NOMUSTACHE

WhatiscertainisthatincountrieslikeBulgaria,wherepeopleliveonpolenta,yogurt,
andothersuchfoods,menlivetoagreateragethaninourpartsoftheworld.
furbishlousewartV,UnsafeWhereverYouGo

JustinCaseheardaboutthemanwithnowife,nohorse,andnomustacheatoneof
MaryMargaretWildeblood'swild,wildparties.JoeMalik,theeditorofConfrontation,
toldthestory.ItwasratherhardforCasetofollowbecausethepartywashugeand
noisyatypicalWildebloodsoiree.EverybodywasthereBlakeWilliams,bearded,
beamish,bland,theinventorofinterstellarpharmacoanthropology,Gestalt
neurobiology,andadozenothersciencesthatnobodyunderstood;JuanTootreego,the
Olympicrunnerwhohadbrokenthethreeandahalfminutemile;CarolChristmas,
blond,bubbly,andpossessedofthegreatestbodinManhattan;NatalieDrest,
chairpersonoftheIndexExpurgatoriusinGod'sLightning;MarvinGardens,whohad
twobestsellingnovelsandseeminglyowned90percentofthecocaineintheWestern
world;BerthaVanAtion,theastronomerfromGriffithObservatorywhohaddiscovered
thetwonewplanetsbeyondPluto.HordesofotherNamesmaxi,midi,andmini
celebritiesswarmedthroughMaryMargaret'sposhSuttonPlacepadastheevening
woreon.Therewasalotofbooze,alotofweed,andduetoMarvinGardens
altogethertoomuchcoke.

Basically,JoeMaliksaid,hisencounterwiththemanwhohadnowife,nohorse,andno
mustachehadbeenpartofanexperimentinneurometaprogramming.Casehadnoidea
whattheholywaltzingfuckneurometaprogrammingmightbeinEnglish,andthestory
camethroughinakindofpolyphoniccounterpointwiththeotherconversationsswirling
aroundthem.

JoeMalik,knownasthelastoftheRedHotLiberals,washalfArab,ofcourse,butashe
himselflikedtopointouthehadbeenraisedRomanCatholicandbecameanatheistin
engineeringschool(BrooklynPolytechnic)andnobodycoulddetectanythingIslamic
abouthim.Yethedidtalkratheroddlyattimesespeciallyafterhismelodramatic
adventureswiththeDiscordianphilosopherandmillionaireHagbardCeline.

"Nowife,nohorse,nomustache,"Malikwassaying."Oh,IthinkPresidentHubbardis
doingagreatjob,"BlakeWilliamswastellingCarolChristmas."Thesolarenergywe're
gettingfromtheL5spacecitiesisgoingtotripleandquadrupletheGrossNational
Product,andthewaysheabolishedpovertywasbrilliant."

"ButHubbardissodamntechnological,"Fred"Figs"Newtonprotestedpiously."There's
nospiritnosenseoftragedynognosisanywhereintheadministration...."

"Ican'tgetusedtoMaryMargaretbeingawoman,"anUnidentifiedMansaid.

"Nowife,nohorse,nomustache,"Malikrepeated."That'sallitsaid."

"Ibegyourpardon?"Caseasked,intriguedbysomethingnonmusicalforthefirsttimein
hislife.

"Istillsayfuck'emall,"adrunkenwriterhowledsomewhere."Bastardlythieving..."

"ItwasintheReader'sDigest,"Malikexplained,tryingtoclarifymattersbutnotsure
howmuchCasehadalreadymissed.

"TheReader'sDigest?"Caseprompted."Thatwasthewholepoint,"Malikwenton
earnestly."IwasstonedonAlamoutBlackhashish,thebestintheworld,andIsatdown
toreadawholeissueofReader'sDigestallthewaythroughandbecomeonewithit."

"BecomeonewiththeReader'sDigest?"Casewasinbeyondhisdepthandsinkingfast
inontologicalquicksand."...whichmakestheVanAlienBeltagigantic
placenta"CaptainCosmicwasstillonhisowntrip"andeveryorganismacellinthe
megafetusstrugglinguptheslippery4,000milewallsofthegravitywell..."

"Iwantedtoexperienceatotallyalien,sciencefictionreality,"Malikpursuedhistheme.
"Reader'sDigestcomesfromanotheruniverse,grok,fromaworldoccupiedbymillions
ofAmericanswhoarenotNewYorkintellectuals.Thesepeoplesincerelybelievethat
ourgovernmenthasneverwagedanunjustwar,thatthehairofaseventhsonofa
seventhsoncureswarts,thatmillionairesgetrichthroughhonestyandhardwork,thata
Jewishgirloncegotpregnantbyadove,andallsortsofthingslikethat,whichare
regardedasmedievalsuperstitionsinmynormalenvironment.EnteringReader'sDigest
throughtheempathyofhashisaquantumjumptoanotherreality."

TherewasamomentarysilenceinwhichCasedistinctlyheardJuanTootreego
whispering,"...nosecandyfromMarvin..."

"Thetrick,"Malikwenton,"istoconcentrateontherealityprojectedthroughtheprinted
page.Everysentenceisasignalfromanotherworld,anervoussystemdifferentfrom
yourswithwhichyoucaninterfacesynergetically..."

"Youmean,"CarolChristmasbreathedhuskily,"youweredeliberatelybrainwashing
yourselftobelieveinthisReader'sDigestworld?"

"Ofcourse,"Maliksaid,withanisn'titobviousshrug."Asingleegoisaverynarrow
viewoftheworld."

"Escapevelocity,"Williamsplungedonwardtothestars,"thatis,18,000empeeaitch,is
theburstingofthewaters,theendocrinemessagethattheplanetarybirthprocessis
beginning..."
"Everybody,"MaryMargaretWildebloodannounced,"thisisDr.DashwoodfromSan
Franciscohestudiesorgasms."

Dashwood,apipesmokingectomorph,fidgetedintheirgaze.

"Yes,Iknow,"cametheparanoidpipeofMarvinGardens,alwayssoundingalittlelike
PeterLorre,"theyallsayI'mexaggerating,butItellyouit'srealtheyareextraterrestrials
andtheycontrolTVandthenewspapersandallthemedia..."

Casebegantothinkhewasinaplay,witheverybodyreadingfromadifferentscript.

JUANTOOTREEGO:Butwhydidyougivethenewplanetssuchstrangenames?

BERTHAVANATION:Well,I'moldfashionedenoughtobepatriotic.Imean,why
shouldeverythingintheskyhaveaGreekorRomanname?

BENNYBENEDICT:"Whoshit?""Youshit!""Bullshit!"

JUANTOOTREEGO:Isee.LikeMr.Benet,youhavefalleninlovewithAmerican
names.

BERTHAVANATION:Well,yes,butIdidn'tcalleitherofthemWoundedKnee....

DRUNKENWRITER:Yeah,IrememberthatfromwhenIwasakidinKentucky."Frank
shit!!"BULLSHIT!!!!""Whoshit...?"

WILLIAMS:...AJamSandwichusingNoPeanutsMayonnaiseorGlue.

NEWTON:MyGod,IjustsawBigfootonthebalcony.

WILDEBLOOD:Oh,that'sSimonMoon.He'samathematicianandquiteharmless,
really.

MALIK:SoineffectIbecameMiddleAmerica.Bouncingofftheprintedpageintomy
retina,grok,decodedbynervoussystemcirculatingthroughMemoryStoragethewords
formedamicroReader'sDigestinmyneurons.Ihonestlybegantoworryaboutthe
dangersofpremaritalsex.

BENEDICT:Nothingtocomparewiththehazardsofmaritalsex.Doyouhaveanyidea
howmuchalimonyI'mpayingeverymonth?

Atthatpoint,unfortunately,Casedozedoffinhischair(onejointofColombiantoo
many)andheneverdidfindoutaboutthemanwithnowife,nohorse,andno
mustache.

WhenhewokeupmostoftheguestshadleftandMaryMargaretwastellingDr.
Dashwoodabouttheburglarswhohadransackedherapartmentlastweek."Theworst
partofit,"shewassaying,"wasthattheyeventookUlysses."

"Oh,wereyouveryfondofhim?"Dashwoodasked.Heobviouslythoughtshewas
talkingaboutadogorcat.

MaryMargarettittered,awareofthemisunderstanding."Ulysseswaspartofme,"she
said.

Casegottohisfeetandmadehispoliteadieus.Hecouldn'tstandanymoreambiguity
inoneevening.

UlysseswasactuallyMaryMargaretWildeblood'spenis,whichwasnowinDashwood's
laboratoryafactwhichneitherofthemrealized.

MaryMargaretwasnotabornwoman(whichwascommonplace,since51percentof
theTerranprimatesqualifiedforit),butamanufacturedwoman.Thiswassomething
newandexotic.Ithadonlybeenpossibleonthatprimitiveplanetforaroundfortyyears.

EpiceneWildeblood,MaryMargaret'sformerself,hadbeenthebitchiestliterarycriticin
Manhattan,themanthatwriterslovetohate.Hisaphorismswereknownandquoted
everywhereintheworldthatwasimportantbyhisownstandardsi.e.,fromSt.Mark's
Placeto110thStreet(East).EachWildebloodismwasapearlofwitandapoisondartof
malice:"Norman'smailerthanthouattitude,""EitherMcLuhanhashadadivinevision
orheismerelyincoherent,anditisobviousthathehasnothadadivinevision,"
"llluminatusisjusttwonurseryNietzschesdaydreamingaboutapsychedelic
Superman,""Nixon'smemoirswillneverbeplacedbesideCasanova'sintheannalsof
amusingrascality,buttheymaywellstandbesideMussolini'splayaboutNapoleonin
thearchivesofstentoriandullness."

WildebloodhadnamedhispenisUlysseswaybackinGilgameshJuniorHighSchoolin
Babylon,LongIsland,wherehegrewup.

HenameditUlyssesbecauseithadGreekproclivitiesandatendencytoinvadedark,
forbiddenplaces.

WildebloodwasbynomeansasimpleoruncomplicatedWoMan.Thesexchange
operationhadbeenonlystageoneinaplantototallytransformhimself.Afterthat,she
intendedtobecomeanun.

By1983itwasasaneandsensibledecisionforonelivingatthehotcenterofNewYork
intellectuallife.LiketheSouthernerswhothink"damnYankee"isoneword,
Wildeblood'smilieuhadlongagoforgottenthat"malechauvinist"wastwowords.The
slightest,kinkiestremnantofmasculinitywasadefinitehandicap,asuggestionof
possibleviciousnesslikemembershipintheJohnBirchSociety,owningaMississippi
accent,oraconvictionforamajorfelony.

Besides,Wildeblooddidurgentlywanttobeanun.Apriestorevenamonkhada
certainarroganceinhisveryrolequapriestorquamonk,howeverpassionatelyhe
mightcultivateTotalSubmissiontotheWillofGod.Onlyanuncouldexperiencethe
trueendlessnessofhumility.

Wildeblood,simply,wastiredofbeingthebitchiestmaleinManhattan.Hewantedto
becomethesaintliestwoman.

FOREVER

JoeMalik,theeditorofConfrontationmagazine,publishedJustinCase'smusiccriticism
onlybecauseitconfused(and,therefore,amused)him.Likemostofhisreaders,Joe
couldn'tmakeheadortailoutofwhateveritwasthatCasewastryingtosay;but,unlike
thereaderswhowereperpetuallywritinglettersprotestingCase'sbaroque
inscrutabilityJoeenjoyedpuzzles.Joewasachesspuzzleandlogicalparadoxaddict;
likeWilliamS.Burroughs,hewasperpetuallyporingovertheMayancodices,tryingto
unscrewthoseinscrutableglyphsforwhichnoRosettaStonehasyetbeenfound.

Threeyearsearlier,in1981,Joehadbeenawhitehairedmanwhoclearlyshowedhis
sixtyoddyears.Now,in1983,hehadjetblackhairagain,afacefreeofwrinkles,and
couldeasilypassforamaninhisearlyforties.Thiswasbecausehehadstartedusing
therejuvenationlongevitydrugFOREVERassoonasitappearedonthemarket.
FundamentalistChristiansandthePeople'sEcologyParty(PEP)denouncedFOREVER
asblasphemousandagainstGod'swill"theultimateinsanityoftherational
technologicalmind,"ithadbeencalledbyFurbishLousewartV,whoalmostdefeated
Hubbardinthe1980election.Joedespisedreligionistsandecologistsandwenton
usingFOREVER.Dissidentscientistsbeganreportingdisastroussideeffectsof
FOREVERwhentheygaveitinhorsedoctor'sdosestolaboratorymice;Joe
rememberedthesimilarantimarijuanaresearchofthesixtiesandseventiesandwenton
usingFOREVER,gamblingthatiftherewereanythingwrongwithit,itwouldn'tkillhim
beforeabetterrejuvenationdrugwasonthemarket.

JoehopedtobearoundforseveralhundredyearsandtakeadvantageofTimeTravel
whenitarrivedtomakeEternityaccessibletomankind.AbovehisdeskatConfrontation
wasamottofromtheEnglishbiologistJ.B.S.Haldanewhichsuccinctlysummarized
Joe'sviewofthecosmos.Itsaid:

THEUNIVERSEMAYBENOTONLYQUEERERTHANWETHINK

BUTQUEERERTHANWECANTHINK.

ALIENSIGNALS

CarolChristmas,anaspiringactresswhohadnotyetachievedbetterthanOffOff
Broadway,wasalwaysabitsensitiveabouthersecondsourceofincome,sosheheard
JoeMaliksaying"nowife,nowhores,nomustache."Oddlyenough,BlakeWilliams,
whowaspickinguppartsofseveralconversationsduringhisowninterstellarrap,also
thoughtMalikwassaying"nowife,nowhores,nomustache."WilliamsandCarol
ChristmasbothheardMalik'sexplanationthroughthesemanticcarouselaroundthem
somethinglikethis:

MALIK:Premaritalsex,mindyou.Iwasreallyterrifiedaboutthewholeyounger
generationcareeningtohellinahandbasketwithlUD'sandcondomssprinklingonall
sides.IbegantoseeCommiethreatseverywhere.EverybodyIknew,allmyfriends,the
wholecityofNewYork,seemedforeignsubversiveunwholesome.ByGod,IwasMiddle
America.

"EGGS"BENEDICT:"Joeshit!""Bullshit!""Whoshit?"...

"FIGS"NEWTON:Aliensignals.Hesaidaliensignals.;?

WILLIAMS:...whichiswhywe'realldeviates.If,'MotherDNAhadwantedustobe
replicableunits,She'dhavemadeusinsectsinsteadofprimates.

DASHWOOD:Well,actuallysciencehasbeenstudyingorgasmsforquitesometime
now,butwhat'snewaboutourworkiscertainpsychologicalintangibles.....!

CAROLCHRISTMAS.Marvin,hasanyoneseenMarvin....

BENEDICT:WellifIwereVladIknowwhoI'dimpale....

CAROLCHRISTMAS:Areyousureheisn'tinthekitchen?Marvin,areyououtherein
thekitchen?

MALIK:ThatwaswhenIstoppedtheexperiment.ThereIwas,totallyatonewithMiddle
America,totallyinsidetheReader'sDigest,andthenIcametothattitle:"NoWife,No
Whores,NoMustache."
DASHWOOD:Shatteringintoatomsismaleandundulatingisfemale,butballoons
burstingiscommontoboth.

MALIK:Iclosedthemagazineandthrewitinthefire.Thetitlewastoogoodtoberuined
byanexplanation.

NATALIEDREST:OohIgetthatundulatingalotespeciallywhensomeerguyisyou
knowgivingmeyou...know...head....

DASHWOOD:Yessixtyeightpercentofthefemalesreportanundulatingexperience
duringcunnilingus....

ButatthispointWilliamsrealizedthathewouldneverrecapturetheaudiencepreviously
listeningtohisouterspacetheories,andhealsowantedsomeair.Heedgedcrabwise
tothebalconyandstoodbreathingdeeply,raisinghiseyestostudythesouthernsky
andthenpickoutthebrightredglareofSirius.

"IsMarvinouthereonthebalcony?"askedacontralto.ItwasCarolChristmas.

"I'mafraidnot,"Williamssaid."Ithinkheleftthepartyalready."

"Oh,didhetakeallthecokewithhim?"

"Iguessso."

Aloneagain,BlakeWilliamscommunedbrieflywiththeBigDipperandaskedhimself
whatthehellMalikhadbeentalkingabout:Nowife?Nowhores?Nomustache?

"WHOSHIT???"BennyBenedictwasyellinginside.

TheactualtitleoftheReader'sDigestarticlehadbeen"NoWife,NoHorse,No
Mustache,"not"NoWife,NoWhores,NoMustache."JoeMalik,ashehadbeentrying
toexplainamidthedinoftheWildebloodsoiree,hadbeenengagedin
neuroprogrammingresearch,tryingtobecomeonewiththeReadersDigest,whenhe
foundthatwonderfultitle,whichledhimtoimmediatelyaborttheexperiment.Heknew,
intuitively,thatthemysteryofatitlelikethatwasmuchbetterthanthesolution,the
explanationofthetitle,couldeverbe.

Joe,whoseexperimentswithhashishhadalwaysbeenguidedbythesixthcircuit
metaprogrammingtheoriesofHagbardCeline,hadbrainwashedhimselfonnumerous
occasionstobecomeonewithnotjusttheReader'sDigest,butwithpublicationsand
evencassettetapesputoutbysuchorganizationsastheJohnBirchSociety,
Theosophy,theTrotskyists,variousassassinationbuffs,UFOsocieties,Buddhism,the
FirstBankofReligiosophy,ScientificAmerican,theRosicrucians,theChristianAnti
CommunistCrusade,theFlatEarthSociety,theMissouriSynodLutherans,the
HermeticOrderoftheGoldenDawn,andanybodyandeverybodywholivedinatunnel
realitydifferentfromthatofhisenvironment.Thus,wheremostpeoplelookattheworld
throughthegridofasinglerealitymap,JoeMalikperceivedcosmosthroughdozensof
suchgrids,changingfocusatwill.ThiswasnotquitethenoegoexperienceofZen,he
wouldcheerfullyadmit,butratheramultiegoexperienceandthereforeanalternative
waytoescapefromthestupidityofasingleself.

Joehadlearnedhowtomovethewallsofhisneurologicalrealitytunnel,andevenhow
towanderfromonetunneltoanotherwithoutbeinginfectedwithChaneyitis,
schizophrenia,mysticism,ortheotherpathologicalformsofthissixthcircuitRelativistic
consciousness.>

HewasoneofthepioneersoftheHEADRevolution.

Hecalleditasimulationofsatori.

Once,whileverystoned,hehadevengonesofarastocalltheexperience"Iopening."

DEFECTION

HowmanyZenMastersdoesittaketochangealightbulb?
Two:Onetochangeitandonenottochangeit.
PrivateJapesofMr.G.

NOVEMBER23,1983:
"Defection,"saidRoyUbu."Thatmustbeit."

Ubuwasadarkishman:hishairwasbrown,hisskinwastan,andhehadapenchant
forbrownsuitswithmatchingcinnamoncoloredtiesandsocks.Helookedaboutforty,
butwasactuallysixtyeight.LikeJoeMalik,UbuhadbeenusingFOREVERfromthe
dayitcameonthemarket.

"They'renotinRussiaorChina,"saidSylviaGoldfarb,ScientificAdvisortothe
President."Youcanforgetallaboutthat.Weknoweverythingaboutthemthesedays."

"Theycouldn'thavegonetoHell,"Ubuventured.

SylviaGoldfarbraisedasardoniceyebrow.Ithadbeenawitlesssuggestion.

"Theycouldn'thave,"Uburepeated,asifshehadconfirmedhisjudgment."Wecanrule
thatout."

SylviaGoldfarbwaited.Therewassomethingominousinherwaiting.Ubuclearedhis
throat.

"I'llputfivemenonitrightaway,"hesaid.

ThechairsqueakedscreeeeasMs.Goldfarbleanedforwardimpatiently."Fivewon'tdo
it,"shesaid."Thisisapriorityinvestigation.Wecan'thaveoverahundredscientistsjust
disappearoffthefaceoftheearth.Notwhenthey'reasimportantasthesewomenand
men."

"ThethingthatIcan'tfigureout,"Ubusaid,"iswhynow?There'sneverbeenan
administrationsofavorabletoscienceneversomanyhugegrants,notjustforworkon
thespacecitiesandlifeextension,butincomputersandtransplantsandcloningandall
overtheshop.Whywouldagroupofscientistspickthistimetojumpship?"

Dr.Goldfarbsmiled."Well,"shesaid,"I'lltellyoumyguess.Theyfoundsomethingto
investigate,somethingthatreallyexcitedthem,butunfortunatelysomethingtoofarout
forthegovernment,evenin1983.That'swhatIsuspect,andthat'swhatIhopeyou'll
find.Butuntilweknowforsure,wehavetoassumethatsomethingdangerousmaybe
afoot.Justfindoneofthem,Mr.Ubu,andprovethatsheorheisdoingsomething
harmless,andyouwillbegintotakeagreatloadoffmymind."

"Yes,ma'am,"Ubusaid,lookingsharp.

Hewasthinking:Thisisgoingtobeapisscutter.

OneofPresidentHubbard'sfirstactsonassumingofficehadbeentoabolishtheFBI
therebythrowingRoyUbuoutofwork.

"TheAmericanpeoplesurvivedonehundredfiftyyearswithoutsecretpoliceopening
theirmailandtappingtheirphones,"Hubbardsaid."Theycansurvivewithoutitagain."

MostofUbu'scolleaguesfledWashington,seekingemploymentinpolicedepartments
andprivatedetectiveagencies.Royhadstuckaround,shrewdlyconvincedthathe
understoodgovernmentbetterthanHubbard.Withinamonthhewashiredbythenewly
formedNationalBureauofInformation.

TheostensiblepurposeoftheNBIwastocollectdatafortheBeastGWB666,the
computerthathadvirtuallybecomeafourthbranchofgovernment,sinceitsmemory
wassearchedbeforeanyimportantdecisionwasmade.

Actually,sincebureaucracieshavelearned,likeothergenepools,tosurviveoveraeons,
theNBIreplacedmanyofthefunctionsoftheFBI.Thiswassointricatelyconcealedin
thebudgetfiguresthatneitherHubbardnoranyofhercloseadvisorseverfoundit.
(Bureaucraciesdonotdiewhenterminated;theychangenames:Gilhooley'sFirst
FundamentalFinding.)

Still,therewasanimportantdifference.SinceHubbardhadabolishedprisons,theonly
citizenswhohadanythingtofearfromgovernmentwerethoseincreasinglyrare,
bizarrelyimprintedbiotswhocommittedviolenceagainstothers,andtheywereonly
senttoHell.

M.O.Q.

Rhesusmonkeys,likeotherhigherprimates,areintenselyaffectedbytheirsocial
environmentsanisolatedmonkeywillrepeatedlypullaleverwithnorewardotherthan
thesightofanothermonkey.
edwardwilson,Sociobiology

DECEMBER23,1983:

Dr.Dashwoodhadbeenratherpensiveandpreoccupiedatlunchthatday,backat
OrgasmResearchinSanFrancisco.

"Sowetakeaguylikethatameatheadwithnomoreknowledgeofpsychologyor
anthropologyorsociologyormedicineorhistoryorethicsorlogicthanhehasofnuclear
physicsandwegivehimagunandaclubandacanofmaceandturnhimloose,my
God,to'police'therestofus.Insanity.Totalinsanity."

ThatwasDr.MountyBabbit,thewiggiestmemberofOrgasmResearch'sstaff,and,like
alltoomanyscientiststhesedays,abitofaradical.Dr.Dashwoodhunchedoverhis
steaktoavoidgettingdrawnintothediscussion.

"Youwanttodisarmthepolice,likeinEngland?"oldDr.Heymanasked.Heymanwas
stillcashinginonthefactthathehadonceworkedwithKinseyandotherwisehad
nothingtorecommendhimtoanyemployer."Wouldneverworkhere.Americansdon't
havetherespectforLawandOrderthatBritonsdo."

"Well,then,"Babbitsaidcalmly,"armthepublic.Makesureeverybodyhasagunand
knowshowtouseit.Evenuptheoddssomewayorother."

"Rubbish!"Heymancried."Thatwouldleadtosheeranarchy."

Dr.Dashwoodpainfullyconcentratedonhiswaterymashedpotatoes.

"How'sThreeA?"asoftcontraltoaskedhim.ItwasDr.HarrietHopgood,awarethatthe
bosswasboredbythepoliticaldiscussion.ThreeAwaspartofthecodetheresearch
subjectswerenevermentionedbynameinanyconversationanditdesignatedthe
youngladyinlaboratoryThree,Ms.RhodaChief.

"Veryimpressive,"Dr.Dashwoodsaid."ShehadreachedtwentythreewhenIbrokefor
lunch,andshewasstillgoingstrong.IleftJonesincharge."

"Twentythree,"Dr,Babbitsaid."Incredible."

"Amostimpressivewoman,"Dr.Hopgoodadded,atoneofenvycreepingintohervoice.
Dr.Dashwooddartedaglanceatherplumpfaceandquicklylookedawayagain;she
wastransparentlywistful.

JustthenDr.Dashwood'ssecretaryappearedatthetable."Atelegramcameforyou,"
shesaid."Ithoughtitmightbeimportant."

WhenDr.Dashwoodtoreopentheenvelope,hewasconfrontedwitharathercurious
message:

KingKongdiedforyoursins.

EzraPound.
fontFACE="TimesNewRoman"SIZE="3"COLOR="#000000">

EzraPound,thoughtDr.Dashwood,nowwherehaveIheardthatnamebefore?Thenit
cametohim:thatfellowwhocalledatanembarrassingmomentthismorning,fromthe
FernandoPoopCommittee(orwasittheHernandoFoofCommittee?).Helookedagain
attheidioticmessage.MyGod,hethought,somedamncrankistryingtoputmeon.

EzraPoundhadcalledwhenRhodawasreachingherthirdthunderousorgasm,andDr.
Dashwoodhadbeenontheedgeofforgettingallprofessionalethicsandseizingher
himself.IthadbeenaweirdphonecallallabouttheplightofGiovaniOopsorsome
suchplace.

Fortunately,Rhoda'sorgasmssincethenhadbeencomparativelytepid.Dr.Dashwood
hadresumedhisprofessionalpersona,althoughhewasalittlebitspacey.
"Iheardarumorthatthey'vegotonehundredninetyeightgorillasworkingascopsin
Chicago,"MountyBabbitwenton.

Dashwoodwasgettingannoyed."Freud,"hesaidcoolly,"hadaninterestingtheory
aboutwhatmotivatesfearofthepolice."

Thatputadamperontheconversation,andDr.Dashwoodsoonregrettedit.Withoutthe
distractionofBabbit'sbaitingofoldHeyman,nothingpreventedDashwood'smindif
fromcirclingback,againandagain,tothelovelyRhoda,nude,drawingtheKingKong
fourteenincherintoherinseeminglyinterminablyecstasy.Likeanarrow,likeUlysses
itself,hismindplungedtowardthatgoldenhairedandjuicilymoistlittlehoneysnatch,
hotwithtwentythreeorgasms....

Science,heremindedhimself,iseternalselfdiscipline.

ButtheoldLatinjokecamebacktohim:Peniserectusnoncomposmentis;astiffprick
knowsnoconscience.

OGalileoandDarwin,didyouhavedayslikethis?

WASHY

NOVEMBER30,1983

TheNBIhadassembledacompletedossieronthemissingGeorgeWashingtonCarver
Bridge,thefirstscientisttodisappearafterleavinggovernmentemploy.

UbuhadallthefactsaboutDr.Bridgethathadeverbeenrecorded.HeknewthatBridge
hadbeenbornJune16,1953,inBadAss,Texas,andweighedninepounds,three
ouncesatthetime.HeknewthatBridge'sSocialSecurityNumberwas121231723,his
GWBnumber345365693,andhissexualpenchantwasforlightskinnedBlackor
Orientalwomenwithcollegedegreeswhowouldwearblacklacebraswhilehepronged
them.HeknewthatBridgehadaB.A.fromMiskatonicUniversityinBlackStudies,an
M.S.fromthesamesourceinSociobiology,andaPh.D.fromtheUniversityof
IngolstadtinPrimatology.HeknewthatBridgehadbeenbaptizedthreetimesonceat
theageoftwoweeks,bytheAfroMethodistsviatotalsubmersion,againattheageof
fourteenbytheRomanCatholicsbywettingthebrow,andathirdtimeattheageof
seventeenbytheKuKluxKlanwithapailofcowpiss.HeknewthatDr.Bridgehadleft
BadAssonemonthlaterandneverreturned.HeknewthatDr.Bridgehadstudiedor
workedinArkham,Massachusetts,NewYorkCity,LosAngeles,Ingolstadt,Bavaria,the
TransylvaniansectionofHungary,Washington,D.C.,andBerkeley.

HeknewthatDr.Bridgewascalled"Washy"byhisclassmatesatMiskatonic.

Heknewseveralthousandsimilarthings,noneofthemhelpfulinanywaytoward
explainingwhyDr.Bridgehaddisappearedoffthefaceoftheearthattheheadofa
paradeofsimilardisappeareeswhichnownumbered167."Iknewthiscasewouldbea
pisscutter,"Ubusaid,contemplatinghisdata.

TheonefactnotrecordedaboutDr.Bridge,andthewholekeytohissubsequent
behavior,wasthefactthathehad,onNovember23,1971,lookedintotheinfamous
NecronomiconofAbdulAlhazred,intheGermantranslationofVonJunzt(Das
Verichteraraberbuch,Ingolstadt,1848).

Bridge,notDr.Bridgethen,butjustWashy,hadbeenturnedontohisoddvolumeby
theMiskatoniclibrarian,DorisHorus,whoknewhetookhisBlackStudiesseriously.
TherewasonesentenceinDasVerichteraraberbuchthatturnedeverythingaroundin
Dr.Bridge'shead.Thesentencewas:

Gestorbenistnicht,wasfrewigruht,undmitunbekanntenAonenmagsogarderTod
nochsterben.

HOMESONLEGRANGE

GALACTICARCHIVES:

TheoriginalideafortheL5spacecitieshademergedfromProfessorGerardO'Neilland
agroupofhisstudentsatPrincetonin1968.Themotionwassoradicalthatittookover
fiveyearstogetitintoprint,inPhysicsToday,in1973.

ProfessorO'Neillhadsimplyaskedhisstudentsaratherbasicquestiononewhich
occursinevitablyoneveryplanetwhichevolvesbeyondtheboomandbustcycleof
planetsidelife.O'Neillasked:

Isthesurfaceofaplanettherightplaceforanexpandingtechnologicalcivilization?

Oncethequestionhadbeenasked,thecorrectanswerwas,ofcourse,inescapable.

AmongthesymptomsindicatingthatClosedSystemplanetaryindustrywouldhaveto
betransformedintoOpenSystemplanetaryandextraplanetaryindustrywerethe
following:

RapidexhaustionofthefossilfuelsonTerra,leadingtoadesperatesearchfornew
energysources;Thevirtuallylimitlesssolarenergyinspace;

Risingpopulationandincreasinglongevity,leadingtoaninevitablenewperiodof
swarming;

Growingpollutionandecologicalimbalance,causedbytheattempttoprovideenergy
fromterrestrialsourcesforthisincreasingprimatepopulation;

TheRevolutionofRisingExpectationsasociologicalphenomenonbroughtonbythe
scientifictechnologicaladvancesoftheprevioustwocenturieswhichcausedthe
majorityofprimatestoclaimtheyhadtherighttoadecentstandardofliving;

ThefailureoftheRevolutionofLoweredExpectations,afterthesmarterprimates
realizedthatloweredexpectationsmeantstarvationforthemajorityoftheplanet;

TheHungerProjectstartedbyacircuitfiveprimatenamedErhard,whoencouraged
peopletobelievestarvationcouldbeeliminated;

ThecontinuousinfluenceofacircuitsixprimatenamedR.Buckminster("Bucky")Fuller,
whoinsistedtheprimatebrainwasdesigned"fortotalsuccessinUniverse";
And,finally,thedebacleofterrestrialbasednuclearenergyplants,whichcontinually
causedhavocintheirenvironments,andwhicheventuallypromptedsomeofthe
primatestorememberthatasciencefictionwriter,RobertAnsonHeinlein,hadforeseen
allthisina1940sstory,"BlowupsHappen,"andprovidedthesolutionmovingthe
nuclearplantsintospace.

By1984overathirdofTerra'sindustrialplantshadbeenmoved,asO'Neillforesaw,into
theL5areaLegrangepoint5,wherethegravityfieldsofearthandmoonarebalanced.
Thecolonistsevenhadathemesong,inventedbyanothersciencefictionwriter,Robert
AnsonWilson,inabookcalledTheUniverseNextDoor.Thesongwas"HOMEson
Legrange."

AVISITORFROMFAIRYLAND

"Participation"istheincontrovertiblenewconceptgivenbyquantummechanics;it
strikesdowntheterm"observer"ofclassicaltheory,themanwhostandssafelybehind
athickglasswallandwatcheswhatgoesonwithouttakingpart.Thatcan'tbedone,
quantummechanicssays.
wheeler,misner,&thorne,Gravitation

MAY1,1934:

"Theycallitliberalismandsocialism,thebastards,butreallyit'stheirownbrandof
highwayrobbery.TheybeenaftermeandHenryFordandeveryindependentinthe
countryforahellofalongtime.Yourememberallthis,son;yourememberwhatyour
fathertoldyou.It'sabigfortunetheCraneholdingsandthey'regoingtobetryingto
takeitawayfromyou,justlikethey'retryingtotakeitawayfromme.Iearnedevery
pennyofit,whenIinventedORGASMOR,andIdon'taimtoletthemtakeitawayfrom
meorfromyou.YoujustrememberwhyallthebankersareRosenfeltliberals,son;you
rememberwhoyourrealenemiesareanddon'tthinkit'sthoseidiotsocialistsandother
crankslikeTownsend,withhisthirtydollarseveryThursday.It'sthosekikebankerswho
wantthewholepieandarejustusingRosenfeltasapawn."

ThatwasoldCrane,TomCrane,themanwhoinventedORGASMOR,talkingtohisson,
Hugh,inCentralPark,wheresweetbirdssang.TomCranewasmoredinosaurthan
primate:atough,unsentimentalreptilewhosewealthwasbasedonaswindle,pureand
simple.HeneverexplicitlyclaimedinanyadvertisementthatORGASMORcreated
moreorgasmsjustthatitwas"deliciouslyenticing"and"stimulatingtoallbodycellsand
tissues"andthePDAneversucceededinprovingthathisagentshadplantedthe
popularmythologyattributinglubricitytoaproductnotverydifferentinchemicalcontent
fromCocaCola.AstrictconstructionistwouldcertainlysaythatCrane'scustomerswere
beingdefrauded.

"Itdoesn'tpoisonanybody,"oldCranealwaysansweredsuchnitpickers.

Infact,HughCranewhowasonlytenin1934andwouldreachtwelvebeforehe
discoveredthattheactualpronunciationofthePresident'snamewasRooseveltwas
onlypartiallylisteningtohisfather'sramblingdiatribe.Hehadheardallofitbefore,
manytimes,andbesides,theMysteriousTrampwasmuchmoreinteresting.

TheMysteriousTramp,perhapsavisitorfromfairyland,wasstoppingeachpersonwho
passedandaskingthemsomething.Theyallshooktheirheadsandwalkedbyrapidly.
ThiswaspuzzlingtolittleHugh:Iftheanswerwasnegative,whydidtheTrampkeep
askingthequestion?Didn'thebelievethepeoplewhohadalreadyanswered?Washe
offeringachancetocrosstheboundaryintomagicspaceandweretheyalltootimidto
try?

"Yousee,son,RosenfeltandtheRhodesscholarshaveitallslicedupandtheyhaveto
getridofpeoplelikeme...."TomCranewasstillramblingalonghisownparanoid
yellowbrickroadwhentheyfinallycameabreastoftheTramp.Hughlistenedeagerlyto
catchtheMysteryQuestion.

"HeymistercouldyouspareadimeIhaven'teateninthreedaysmisterheylistenmister
..."

"Getajob,"saidoldCrane,walkingfaster."Yousee,son,that'sthekindofgoodfor
nothingloaferwho'sdestroyingthiscountry."
ButtheboywhowastobecomeCagliostrotheEscapeArtistlookedbackandsawthe
MysteriousTrampfallingtothegroundveryslowlylikeatreehehadseenfallslowly
afterbeingchoppedbythecaretakerattheCranecountryhomeoutonLongIsland,
andjustlikethetree,whenhefinallyreachedthesidewalk,theTrampdidn'tmoveatall,
notonebit,andevenseemedtogetstifflikethetreedid,onlyfaster.

SPOCK?SPOCK?SPOCK?

DECEMBER23,1983

WhileDr.DashwoodwasworryingaboutthesinisterEzraPoundinSanFranciscoand
MaryMargaretWildebloodwaspreparingforherpartyinNewYork,ablackgiant
named"Rosey"StuartwasstrugglingwithavacationmemointhePussycatofficein
Chicago.

"ThisistheworstpieceofidiocyI'veeverseen,"hecomplainedtohissecretary."It
lookslikeitwaswrittenbyacomputerhavinganervousbreakdown.Listentothis
gibberish:'Haifamandayshallnotbeequaltohalfadayunlessthemanisactuallyin
theofficeforthefullday,orhalfofafullday,asthecasemaybe.(Thisalsoappliesto
femaleemployees.)'Whattheringtailedramblinghelldoesthatmean?"

"DoyouwantmetocallPersonnelandasksomebodytoexplainit?"askedthe
secretary,MarleneMurphy,apertlittleredheadwhocouldneithertypenortake
dictationwell,butheldherjobbecauseshefitthePussycatimage.

"Besides,"Stuartwentongrumbling,"itcontradictsthevacationmemowegotlast
week."

"Thatonewasahoax,"Marleneexplainedpatiently."Somecrankgotinatnightandran
itoffonaXeroxmachineassomekindofpracticaljoke."

"Well,Jesusonawubbercwutch,"Stuartcomplained,imitatingElmerFudd,"itmade
moresensethanthisone."
Marleneshruggedsympathetically."Thisistheonewe'vegottolivewith."

Stuartshookhisheadwearily."Whatkindofworldisitwheretherealityisweirderthan
thesatire?"

Therewasnoobviousanswertothat."DoyouwantmetocallPersonnel?"Marlene
repeated.

"Hell,no!"Stuartexclaimed."Don'tagitatethatpitofdingdongs.Justputmedownfor
thefirstthreeweeksinJuly,andiftheytellmeIcan'thaveit,I'llgoovertheirheadsand
talktoSput."StanSputnikwasthefounderofthePussycatempireandstillactedas
bothManagingEditorandPublisher,aswellasembodyingthePussycatimageinallhis
highlypublicizedactsanddeeds.

Stuartcrumbledthevacationmemoandthrewitinthewastebasket.

"What'snext?"heasked.

"Dr.Dashwood.Abouttheinterview."

"Oh,yes,"Stuartsaid,turninghischairtolookoutthewindow."Callhissecretaryand
seeifhe'sin."

WhileMarlenewentoutsidetoherdesktoplacethecall,StuartlookedoutoverChicago
thinkingofhisrapidriseinthePussycatempire.BorninChicago'sSouthSideghetto
hisfullnamewasFranklinDelanoRooseveltStuarthehadoriginallyfollowedtheusual
predatorylifescriptofimpoverishedalphamales.Buthissecondprisontermhad
thrownhimintocontactwithamostpeculiarcellmateaselfproclaimedSufiandmaster
ofallformsofPersianmagick."Rosey"Stuartcameoutofprisonconvincedhecoulddo
anything,acquiredadegreeinliteraturefromHarvardinrecordtime,andstartedthe
GreatNovelabouttheBlackExperienceinAmerica.

Aboutthenbothracismandpovertywerebecomingobsolete,andsellingafirstnovel
wasashardasever.StuarthadbeentoilingatPussycatforfiveyears,dickeringwitha
novelaboutaparalleluniversewhereracismstillexistedandamalignantblack
magiciantakesoverthecountrybydemonicallypossessingthebodyofthewhite
President.

LastyearthestaffofPussycathadquadrupled.SputSputnikhadgrownannoyedbythe
everincreasingnumberofimitationsofhisIllustratedFantasyBookforOnanists.Every
editorateverycompetitionpublicationhadbeenhiredawayatajuicysalaryincrease.

PussycatsuddenlyhadsixSeniorEditors,twelveAssociateEditors,twentyfour
AssistantEditors,andthirtyJuniorEditors.Theotherpublishersfoundthemselves
confrontingdeadlineswithnobodyleftontheirstaffs.Twowentbankrupt;one
committedsuicide;theotherstookayeartogetbackingearagain.

"Businessisbusiness,"saidSput.Helikedtothinkofhimselfasatough,harddriving
businessman,aswellasthetwentiethcentury'sleadingphilosopher,thesuperstudof
everygirl'stenderdreams,theheroofthefreepress,thefoeofbigotryandintolerance
everywhere,andtheworld'sunacknowledgedMasterPsychologist.Ifhehadknown
therewassuchathingaspieeatingchampion,hewouldhaveaimedforthattitlealso.
HeconsideredhimselfaRenaissanceMan.

AlthoughStuarthadadvancedfromJuniorEditortoSeniorEditorinspiteofthis
competition,hehardlyknewSputatall.Sputnevercametotheoffices,preferringto
workinhismansioninManhattan,andStuartsawhimonlyontherareoccasionswhen
hewascalledupontoflytoNewYorkforaconference.

Thoseconferencestendedtobeabitmuch.Likecertainmovieactorswhoarealways
"on,"evenwhennowherenearasoundstage,Sputwasasdeterminedtoimpresshis
editorsashewastooverwhelmthewholeworld.Foryears,hehadinsistedonplaying
chessduringconferences,keepinganimpoverishedgrandmasteronhandforastiff
competition;sincethegrandmasterknewwhichsidehisbreadwasbutteredon,Sput
alwayswon.Hehadgottenthisideafromaveryinaccuratehistoricalnovelabout
Napoleon,inwhichthelittleCorsicansociopathwasportrayedasplayingmasterful
chesswhilediscussingmilitarystrategywithhisgeneralsandtheNapoleoniclegalcode
withhisjudges.

MorerecentlySputhadreadanovelaboutNero.Theeffectwasevenmore
disconcertingthantryingtotalkwithhimwhilehelaboriouslyevadedanobviousNoah's
Arktrap.HewasseatedbehindhisdeskreceivingablowjobwhenStuarthadbeen
usheredintohispresencethelasttime.Itwasunnerving.

"Youwantedtodiscusstheinterviewsubjectsforthenextsixmonths?"Stuartasked,
takinghisseatandnotingthattheerotictechniciankneelingbeforetheGreatManwas
arecentPussyettefromthemag'sfoldout.Infact,shewasthefirsttoappear,notinan
ordinarycrotchshot(theywerenowbecomingcommonplace,notonlyinPussycat,but
initsimitators),butinarandylowanglecrotchshotinwhichhervulvalipscouldclearly
beseenpoutingbeneaththepubichair.Stuarthadbeencuriousastohowthateffect
wasobtainedandaskedthechiefphotographer,"Wereyourubbingheroffjustbefore
yousnappedthat?"

"Nah,"wasthelaconicanswer."Wetriedthat,butthelipsstillweren'tvisibleenough.
Weendedupstuffinghersnatchfullofmyhashishstash."

"Lawd!"Stuartwasastonished,anddroppedbacktohismothertongue.

"That'swhyshehadthatfargonelookinhereyes.Stonedoutofherheadbythetime
wegotitalloutofheragain.Betyoudidn'tknowitwaspossibletogethighthatway."

"Wonderwhatitwouldbeliketonavigatehergeographyrightafterthehashcameout,"
Stuartsaidthoughtfully.

"Wouldn'tknow,"thephotographersighed."Sputputanexclusiveonhersoonashe
sawthetestshots."

Nowshekneeled,nudeandcoveredwithsomekindofoilthatSputhadreadaboutin
theNerobook,andcarefullylickedhiswingwangupanddownwhilehe,imitating
supercool,wentovertheinterviewlist.

"Don'twantPresidentHubbard,"hesaid."She'stoocontroversial."

"Butdammit,Sput,ourinterviewsaresupposedtobecontroversial!"Stuartseemedto
recallsayingthatateachoftheseconferences.

"Notthatcontroversial,"Sputsaid."Theintellectualsallhateherbecauseshe'sa
scientist.*Now,here,Jane

*TerranArchives2803:Atthetimeofthiscomedythoseprimateswhospecializedin
verbalmanipulationsofthethirdneurologicalcircuitformedagenepoolseparatefrom
thosewhospecializedinmathematicalmanipulations.Theformer,controllingtheverbal
environment,haddubbedthemselves"theintellectuals."

FondaandTimothyLeary,they'regood.But,JesusH.Christ,RobertAnsonWilson,for
Chrissakehe'safuckingsciencefictionwriter!"

"WeinterviewedVonnegut,"Stuartsaid,watchingthelady'sheadbobbingupanddown
atSput'scrotch.

"Yeah,buthisbooksareserious.That'sdifferent,"Sputsaid,breathingabitheavilyby
now."Besides,everybodysaysTheUniverseNextDoordrivespeoplewiggyandmakes
thembecomenudistsorBuddhistsorsomething.Thatkindoftroublewedon'tneed.
Andonesciencefictionwriterinfiveyearsisenough,already.(Gently,doll,gently!)I
seeyoudon'thavetheAttorneyGeneralonthelistyet."

"It'sthesameasever,"Stuartexplained,notingthatthegirl'shandwassneakingdown
herbellyintohercrotch."Shejustwon'tgiveusaninterview.Shestillsayswe'readirty
magazine."

"Dammit,wenevergobeyondcontemporarycommunitystandards,"Sputprotested,
hurt."Thatoldbitchisabigot."

"Well,bigotornot,shewon'tgiveusaninterview."

"Fascistreactionaryoldbat,"Sputfumed."SomedayI'll"Thenhebrightened."Listen,
doll,"hesaidtothegirlathisfeet."You'retheAttorneyGeneralnowreallygotoit,likea
fuckingvacuumcleanerl"Thegirl'sheadbeganbobbingfaster,andSputslouchedback
abit,smilingcontentedly.

"ReactionaryWASPbitch,"hemuttered."That'sright,takeit,takeitall,youfoeofthe
FirstAmendment!"
"ErDr.FrancisDashwood,"Stuartprompted.

"Verygood,verygood."Sputwaswhispering,asiftokingamarijuanacigarette."You
Gestapopig,"headdedtothegirlathisfeet.

"HowaboutJackieKennedyOnassis?"

"Yeah,yeah,class,"Sputsaidvaguely.Hewasbeginningtotrembleabit."Whoelse
yougot?"hewhispered,tremblingmore.

"Dr.Spock."

"Spock?"Sputasked.Thenherepeated,shrilly,"Spock?Spock!SPOCK!???!"Hewas
coming,Stuartrealizedwithanembarrassedtwinge."Swallowit,"Sputwasroaring.
"Swallowit,youwiretapper!"

Itwasadistractingconferenceallaround,Stuartthought,remembering.

Hissecretarywasathisdoor."IfinallylocatedDr.jDashwood,"shesaid,"atthishome.
He'sonthephone."j

Stuartpickeduphisphone,saying,"Ah,goodafternoon,Dr.Dashwood.It'sagreat
pleasuretospeaktoyou."

"Isthisonthelevel?"cameatensevoice."You'renotinvolvedwiththatPooporFoof
place,areyou?"

Stuartwasdumbfounded.Couldtheheadofthebestknownsexresearchorganization
inAmericabeaparanoidnut?"IamspeakingtoDr.FrancisDashwood?"heasked
carefully.

"Yes,yesbuthowcanIbesurewhoI'mspeakingto?"

"Well,"Stuartsaid,"ifyouhaveyourdoubts,callmeback.Gothroughinformation,to
checkthenumber,and|thenhavethePussycatswitchboardputyouonmyline.That
shouldconvinceyou."
"I'lldojustthat,"thedoctorsaid."Alotofdamnedpeculiarthingsarehappeningtoday.I
wanttobesureyou'renotsomecohortofthatEzraPoundcharacter."Hehungup
abruptly.

EzraPound,Stuartthought,bemused.Thedoctorthinksadeadpoetandfolksingeris
plottingagainsthim.

Anabsolutenutofthefirstwater.Arealsignifyin'madscientist.

Obviously,thiswouldrequiregreatcare.Dashwoodcouldn'tjustbediscardedasan
interviewsubjectforbeingbatty;hewastoobiganame.Theinterviewwouldgoahead,
butDashwoodwouldbehandledwithkidgloves.

Thephonebuzzed,andhepickeditup.

"Dr.Dashwoodisbackontheline,"hissecretarysaid.

"Puthimthrough."Hewaited,thensaid,"Dr.Dashwood?"

"Well,Iguessitreallyisyou,"thevoicesaid."Pleaseexcuseme.Amaninmysensitive
fieldcranksandschizophrenicswonderingaroundloose..."

"Yes,yes,Iquiteunderstand,"Stuartsaid,rollinghiseyestowardtheceiling."Poets
alwayshaveharborednastygrudges."Hehadnodoubtthatthedoctorwasasgoofyas
awaltzingmouse.

HOWTHETERRANPRIMATESWEREDOMESTICATED

GALACTICARCHIVES:

PresidentHubbardhadabolishedpovertythroughaplanwhichshecalledtheRICH
economy.

RICHmeaningRisingIncomethroughCyberneticHomeostasis.

Thiswasadiabolicallycleverschemetoabolishallformsofhumanlaborexceptthe
mostcreativei.e.,thosefrontallobemetaprogrammingcircuitswhichhaveevolvedlast
inevolutionandsurpassthemechanicaloldfourcircuitprimatebrainfunctions.

Ofcourseithadbeentheoreticallypossibletoabolishmostmechanicallaborsince
about1948,whenaverycunningprimatemathematician,NorbertWeiner,notedthat
selfcorrecting(cybernetic)machineswouldsoonbeabletomonitorwholefactories.

EvenearlierametaprogrammingcircuitGreekprimate,Aristotle,hadobservedthatit
wouldbepossibletoabolishslavery"whentheloomandothermachinesbecomeself
managing."

Terranprimateshadcontinuedslaveryoverthegenerations,despitetheincreasing
distressthiscausedtheirhominidthirdandfourth(semanticandmoral)circuits,simply
becausemachinescouldnotyetmanagethemselves.AsmanyaprimateUtopianhad
rediscoveredinchagrin,underprimitiveplanetaryconditions,"somebodyhastodothe
shitwork."Themostappealingsolutiontoelectingthatsomebodywastoinvadea
weakerneighboringtribeandbringbackagroupofbiotswhocouldbedomesticated.

ThishadbeendonesooftenthattherewasnohominidpackonTerrathatdidnotshow
theeffectsofdomesticationandslavementality,afactfirstnotedbyadourGerman
primatenamedNietzsche.

InUnistat,duetothestrongencouragementofindividualisticthirdandfourthcircuit
(semanticmoral)functions,slaveryhadgrownsorepugnantthatitwasformally
"abolished"withinacenturyaftertheformationofthepackconstitution;itlingeredon
throughinertiaintheformof"wageslavery,"whichrequiredthatallprimatesnotborn
intothesixtyfamiliesthat"owned"almosteverythingwouldhaveto"work"forthose
familiesortheircorporationsinordertogetthetickets(called"money")whichwere
necessaryforsurvival.

Thisslavementalitywassoentrenchedinthedomesticatedprimatesthatcybernation
advancedveryslowlyinthefirstthirtyyearsafterWeinerdiscovereditwouldbe
possibletoabolishprimatetoil.Alltheimportantprimatebandsthealphamale
corporations,theprimatetradeunions,theprimatecouncilor"government,"theprimate
totemcultsor"churches"believedthatthetraditionaldomesticatedcastesystemwas
theonlypossiblesystemunderwhichprimatescouldlive.EventheRedprimates
sharedthisdelusion,differingonlyintheirideasaboutdistributionofresources.

PresidentHubbardboldlychallengedthisdomesticatedprimatethoughtformby
announcingthateverybodywhocouldbereplacedbyamachinewouldbereplacedby
amachine.

Itseemedliketheendoftheworldtotheprimates,atfirst.

Itturnedouttobeonlytheendofpoverty.

ANAPPROXIMATESIMULATIONOFINSANITY

"Anyfalseorpartiallyfalsepremiseextendedwithaccuratelogicwillgeneratean
approximatesimulationofinsanity."CrossingBroadwayatSeventysecondStreet,still
lecturing,itwasBlakeWilliams.

"Yes,yes,ofcourse,Professor,butifyou'lllistenamomenttowhatI'mtryingtosay,"
NatalieDrestprotested.

"Butyousee,younglady,mostofthepremisesofourcurrentreligious,scientific,and
philosophicalthinkingmustbefalse,orpartiallyfalse,asjudgedbyamoreadvanced
civilization.WhatwouldaHigherIntelligencemakeofourdoctrinesoftransubstantiation
orcharmedquarksorthecategoricalimperative?"

"Well,yeah,but,professor..."

"Then,dammit,willyoulisten?Mostofourbeliefsandbehaviorwillappearclinically
insanetoaHigherIntelligenceviewingthisplanet."

"Sure,it'sallrelative,Iknowthat,but,Professor..."

"Look,"Dr.Williamssaidwithcrushingfinality,"doyouwanttofuck,ordon'tyou?"

HeranswerwasdrownedoutbyasirenracingupRiversideDrive.

"What?"

"Isaid,Ibeentrynatellyoufortenblocks,Professor,I'mstillgettingoveracaseofthe
clap..."

"That'squiteallright,mydear,"BlakeWilliamspronouncedsuavely."I'mabroad
mindedman.Iunderstandtheexuberanceofyouth,thepowerfulhormonescoursing
throughyourvibrantyoungbloodstream,thenoblerefusalofyourgenerationtoregard
thetaboosofoldasbindinguponthefreespiritsofthe1980s,andbesides,I'vereached
theageatwhichI'mnothornyeverynightoftheyear.Youarestillinvitedtocomealong
tomyhumbledigsandlistentomyoldJoanBaezrecords."

"Gee,Professor,youknowwhatyouare?You'recool.You'renotsexistatall."

"Urn,yes,thankyou,mydear.I'mjustgettingold,actually.Now,abouttheEinstein
RosenPodolskygedankenexperiment..."

DANCINGPHOTONS

Theintellectualloveofthingsconsistsinunderstandingtheirperfections.
spinoza

LindaLovelace,aprojectionoflighttraveling186,000milespersecondthroughfilmof
eventsthatactuallytranspiredinMiamiyearsbefore,istakingfirstoneinchofHarry
Reems'spenis,thentwo,three,five,thewholeincrediblenineinches,andparanoidlittle
MarvinGardens,hunchedinhisseat,overcoatinlap,snortsthelastofhiscoke.

ItwasthefortyfourthtimeMarvinhadseenDeepThroatandthetwentythirdtimeon
coke,andundertheovercoathishandwasmagicallytransformingintoLinda'smouth
again,thatseparaterealitywherethedancingphotonsonthescreenandthe
synergizingsynapsesinhisbrainjoinedtoproducemorethan3Dbetterthan
TechnicolorrealerthanrealGodyeshigherthanakiteohLord.

Marvinwashavingararehappymomentinwhichtheextraterrestrialinvasionwasn't
worryinghim.

He,HarryReems,isabouttocome,andMarvinGardens,too,wonderinginonecorner
ofhismindabouttheeternityofprotoplasm,becausewhenheconiesshe'lltakeitoutof
hermouthandsplat!he'llshootalloverherface.Marviniswaiting,buttakeanamoeba
nowdoesitdiewhenitsplits?Aretheretwonewamoebasorisittwoselveswhere
therewasoneselfbefore?God,she'sgotallofitnow,faster,callthemKrazyandIgnatz
say,nowisKrazythefirstamoebaandIgnatzatwinorarebothofthemstillKrazy,two
Kraziesinsteadofone?Jeez,rightIdownherthroatnow,andwhentheysplitagainwe
havefour,she'slickingtheheadnowahthat'sgoodandabouttoswallowitallagain,
callthemsayGrouchoChicoHarpoandZeppo,whichistheoriginalamoebaorare
theyall,areamoebasreallyimmortalthen?Nownowhereitcomesnowoneamoeba
dividingforevernowgoingonandonforalleternitynowasingleexplosionofDNAseed
nownowahChristChristyesnownownowyesEternalGodohgood.

"BlakeWilliamshadamnemonicformydiscovery,"BerthaVanAtionwasexcitedly
tellingJuanTootreegoastheypassedtheDEEPTHROATmarquee."MotherVery
EasilyMadeaJamSandwichUsingNoPeanuts,Mayonnaise,orGlue.See?Mercury
VenusEarth..."

Butaboutthoseamoebas:MarvinGardens,morerelaxednow,isbuttoninghiscoatand
headingfortheexit.LindaLovelacecontinuestoschlurpandsuckonthescreenbehind
him,butheisdecidingthatafterthefirstsplittherearetwoamoebas,ofcourse,but
shouldyoucallthemchildrenofthefirstamoebahimorherorit?Andafterthesecond
splittherearefour.Afterthethirdsplit,eight.Nowheredoesthephasechangedenoted
bythesymbol"death"appeartohaveoccurred.Isoneoftheeightthirdgeneration
amoebastheoriginalamoeba(himorherorit),orareallofthemtheoriginal?Andhow
does8=4=2=1,anyhow?

MarkoffChaneywasabouttohaveadreamcometrue.Hewasrentinghisoldroomat
theYMCAonChicagoAvenueagain,usingitasabaseforfurtherantiDashwood
activities.Hehadgoneforawalk,andasheapproachedtheintersectionofMichigan
andLakeShoreDrive,hewasthinkingaboutanewletterheadthatwouldsay
FRATERNALORDEROFHATEGROUPSandhaveRobertWelch,AbbyHoffman,
AnitaBryant,andGeorgeWallacelistedasofficers.PerhapshemightaddNatalieDrest
andmakeher"ChairpersonoftheBoard."

"Hsst!"avoicesaid."Youyeah,you,shorty."Themidgetstiffenedandwhirledaround.
"Hssst!"hesaid,"Youyeah,you,asshole."

"Hey,nooffense,"thespeakersaid."Igotabusinesspropositionforyou."Themidget
lookedathimsharply;hedidn'tlookatallasshadyandunsavoryasapersonshould
lookwhowasofferingabusinesspropositiononthecornertoatotalstranger.

"Whatareyouselling?"heasked."Notselling,"thefriendlygiantsaid."Givingaway.
Onehundredfiftydollars."

"AndwhatdoIhavetodoforit?"themidgetaskedwarily,drawingalittlecloser.

"I'mabutler,"themansaidand,infact,hedidnotlooklikebutlersthemidgethadseen
inmovies.Hisfacewasmuchlongerfromthenosedownthanmostpeople's;itgave
himapermanentlookofonewhosmellssomethingbuthasn'tfoundityet.Most
Chicagoans,Chaneyhadnoticed,looklikethey'djustfounditanditwasworsethan
they'dimagined."TheladyIworkforisveryrich.Andveryeccentric."Hetriedtoleer
suggestively;theeffectwaslikeabishopwinking."Shehasathingaboutm...
aboutyoupeopleoflessthanaveragestature."MarkoffChaneyfelthisheartleap.
Coulditbetrue??

"Onehundredfiftydollars?"

"That'sright.Shegetsthesemoodsandsendsmeoutlookingeverysooften."
"I'mgame,"themidgetsaid,deciding.Hecouldfeelthepulseinhistemple.Aurevoir,
macherie,hethought,firmlyconvincedthatwasFrenchfor"goodbyetovirginity."

"There'sjustonething,"thebutlersaidastheywalkedalong."You'vegottodojustwhat
Itellyou.Don'tbeafraid;she'snotarealkinknowhipsandchainsoranythingofthat
scenebut,well,hertastesarealittlepeculiar.Ipromiseyouwon'tbehurt."

"Tellme,"themidgetsaid.

"It'slikealittledramaorcharade,"thebutlersaid,loweringhisvoice.Heexplained
certainthings.

"What?"themidgetasked."Idon'tgettofuckher?"

"Butitwillbeenjoyable,nonetheless,"thebutlersaid,"andyoucollectonehundredfifty
smackersforit,remember."

"Oh,well,"Chaneysaid,quotingoneofhisbasicaxiomsforGuerrillaOntology,"insanity
isanotherviablealternative."

JUSTLIKEMETHODACTING

InanapartmentintheeastvillageoffSt.Mark'sPlace,Tibetanpostersandastrological
chartsgazedownonthecouchwhereJoeMalikandCarolChristmasareengagedin
erotometaphysicalepistemology.

GettingahandinsideherpantieswaseasyenoughandJoeMalikthoughthewashome
free,butthenasnagappeared,anemotionalproblemthatvergedonfullblownlunacy;
ithadtodowithCarol'sthirdexhusband,aPuertoRicanpoetwhoclaimedtobea
Santariainitiate,whateverthatwas,andcouldn'tadjusttoNewYork.Hesaidthatmagic
wasimpossibleinNewYorkbecausetheintelligentsiawereallJewishatheists"butI'm
notaJewishatheist,"Joeprotested,"I'manArabagnostic,"wonderingwhatthehellthis
hadtodowithasimplelay,butCarol'sthirdhusband,whomightaswellhavebeenon
thecouchwiththem,alsosaidthatCarolcouldhelphimtowriteagainifshebelievedin
magic,anditwasn'tmuchdifferentfrombeinganactress,anyway;Santaria,whateverit
is,isjustlikemethodacting,Carolexplained,butJoewasmeanwhilefromthecontext
decidingitwasmorelikeChristianScience,butwhatitallcamedownto,thehandout
ofherpantiesbynow,sincetopressureheratthispointwouldbecoerciveand
chauvinistic,ofcourse,thePuertoRicanbunofasitchhadputaloaonherwhenthey
separatedandshecouldn'trelaxuntiltheydidanexorcismoftheapartment...."Oh,
bleedingChrist!"Joegasped,bothballslikeboulders.

"It'sjustlikemethodacting,honey,"Carolrepeatedhopefully.

\cf0

"Youmean,"Natalie,dressed,asked,awedandfullofhashish,"thatthis
whatchamacculum,thisstatevector,collapseseverywhichway?"

"No,no,no,"BlakeWilliamshastenstocorrect."That'sonlytheEverettWheeler
Grahammodel,andit'sobviouslynonsense.Itmeansthatintheuniversenextdoor,
FurbishLousewartisPresidentinsteadofEveHubbard.PuresciencefictionandI,um,
wonderwhatEverett,Wheeler,andGrahamweresmokingwhentheythoughtofit.
WhatI'mtryingtoexplain,mydear,isthemostplausiblealternativetheory,which
comesfromtakingBell'sTheoremliterally."

"Therippletheory,"Natalieprompted.

"Buttheripplesareallovertheuniverseatonce,"Williamsexplainedagain."It'scalled
theQuantumInseparabilityPrinciple,orQUIP.Dr.NickHerbertcallsittheCosmic
Glue."

"Justlikeripplesinapond,Jeez."NatalieDrestwasbemused."Partsofusarestill
interactingwithJoeMalikandalltheotherpeopleattheparty.Thisissuperheavy."

"Yes,butQUIPactsnonlocallyintimeaswellasinspace,"Williamswenton."You've
gottothinkoftimeripples,aswellasspaceripples,togrokthequantumworld...."


THECOPENHAGENINTERPRETATION

Thereisasharpdisagreementamongcompetentmenastowhatcanbeprovedand
whatcannotbeproved,aswellasanirreconcilabledivergenceofopinionastowhatis
senseandwhatisnonsense.
erictemplebell.DebunkingScience

TherewasnothingreallyweirdaboutBlakeWilliams,exceptthathewaspassionatelyin
lovewithadeadman.Thisgreat,ifsomewhatbizarre,passionwasentirelyplatonic,of
coursenothingqueeraboutgoodoldDocWilliams,excepthishead.Withhissixfoot
frame,hisneatlytrimmedgraybeard,andhisheavyblackrimmedspectacles,Williams
wastheverymodelofamodernmajorgeneralist.DuetotheincidentoftheGansevoort
Streetincinerator,hehadlearnedtokeephismouthshutabouthismoreoutlandish
ideasandobsessions.

ThemanBlakeWilliamslovedwasNielsBohr,thephysicistwhohadchosentheTaoist
yinyangashisCoatofArmswhenknightedbytheDanishcourtwhichwasratherfar
outbackinthe1930s(beforeTaoismbecamefaddishwithphysicists).Bohralsoadded
nearlyasmuchtoquantumtheoryasPlanck,Einstein,orSchrdinger,andhismodelof
theatomtheBohrmodel,it'scalledhadbeenbelievedliterallybyagenerationof
physiciansbeforeHiroshima.Bohrhimself,however,hadneverbelievedit;norhadhe
believedanyofhisothertheories.BohrinventedwhatiscalledtheCopenhagen
Interpretation,whichholdsineffectthataphysicistshouldn'tbelieveanythingbuthis
measurementsinthelaboratory.Everythingelsethewholebodyofmathematicsand
theoryrelatingonemeasurementtoanotherBohrregardedasamodelofhowthe
humanmindworks,notofhowtheuniverseworks.BlakeWilliamslovedBohrforthe
CopenhagenInterpretation,whichhadmadeitpossibleforhimtostudyphysics
seriously,evendevoutly,withoutbelievingawordofit.Thatwasconvenient,since
Williams'sowntrainingasananthropologisthadschooledhimtostudyallhuman
symbolsystemswithoutbelievinganyofthem.

OnadeeperlevelthereisalwaysadeeperlevelWilliamswasascientistwhodidn't
believeinsciencebecausehehadbeencuredofpoliobywitchcraft.

ButBlakeWilliamsdidn'tbelieveinwitchcraft,either.Hedidn'tbelieveinanything.He
regardedallbeliefsystemsasillustrativedataindomesticatedprimatepsychology.

"Thestudyofhumanbeliefsisanethologist'sheavenandalogician'shell,"helikedto
say.

Actually,BlakeWilliamshadn'tbeencuredofpoliobywitchcraft,exactly.Hehadbeen
curedbytheSisterKennymethod.

Buthegrewupthinkingitwaswitchcraft.ThatwasbecausealltheexpertsinUnistatat
thetimethemembersoftheAmericanMedicalAssociation,whowouldnotadmitthere
wereanyotherexpertsonhealthclaimedtheSisterKennymethodwaswitchcraft.They
alsosaiditdidn'twork.

SincetheSisterKennymethodobviouslyhadworkedinhiscase,Blakegrewupwith
thegnawingsuspicionthattheexpertsdidn'tknowwhatthehelltheyweretalkingabout.
Hewasalsointenselycuriousaboutallformsofwitchcraft,whicheventuallyledhimto
becomeananthropologist.

YoungWilliamssoonenoughdiscoveredonhisveryfirstfieldtrip,amongtheHopi
IndiansthatwitchcraftdoesbyGodandbygollywork,afterall.Hebegan,tentatively
andsecretly,sharinghisknowledgewithcarefullyselectedcolleagues.Mostofthem
wereprettyevasiveaboutthewholesubject,butMarilynChambers,theauthorofthe
epochmakingNeuroanthropology,wasstartlinglyblunt.

"Everybodywho'sbeeninthefieldknowsthat,"shesaidwithakindofwearypatience.

"Butwhydoesn'tanyonesayso?"Williamsasked,stillyoung,stillnaive.

"FreudandCharcotoncehadvirtuallythissameconversation,"Dr.Chamberssaid,"but
thetopicthenwasthesexualoriginofthehystericalneurosesofVictorianwomen.
CharcotinvitedFreudtobethegoatandtalkaboutitinpublic...."

"Isee,"BlakeWilliamssaidslowly.Hedidsee.


THECATANDTHEDOG

Ifweacceptmultipleuniverses,thenwenolongerneedworryaboutwhat"really"
happenedinthepast,becauseeverypossiblepastisequallyreal.
josephgerver,"ThePastasBackward

Moviesofthefuture,"PhysicsToday,

April1971

"Hewhomast...whohesitatesislost,"MarvinGardenssaidonedayinthe
Confrontationoffice.JoeMalikconsidereditoneofthemostinterestingFreudianslips
hehadeverheardandrecordeditinhisdiary,whereitwas,ofcourse,subsequently
scannedbytheIlluminati.

MarvinandJoenevergotalongwell,butthatwasbecauseMarvinregardedJoeasan
extraterrestrialinvaderandJoeregardedMarvinasanut.

"Marvinisemphaticallynotaloony,"JustinCasehadbeenheardtosayquiteoften.
"He'sagenius.ThegreatestputonartistsinceHitchcock.Nobodyrecognizeswhata
greatsatiristheis."

"JustinCase,"Marvinsaidwhenthatwasrepeatedtohim,"thinkshe'sbeingliberal,but
he'sjustanothervictimofbrainwashingbytheAmazonInvasion."

MarvinGardenshadbeentraumatizedbythe1970sandalwaysreferredtothe
Women'sLiberationMovementastheAmazonInvasion.Hebelieved,orpretendedto
believe,thattheringleaderswereallextraterrestrialswhohadarrivedbyflyingsaucerin
1968andwereboldlyconspiringtoseizesupremepowereverywherethroughwhathe
calledsemanticblackmagick."They'veatomizedthelanguageandcreatedasemantic
smoginwhichordinaryhumanityisobliteratedbyabstractionslike'chairperson'or
simplemammalianeroticsignalingispoliticizedintoanewsincalled'sexism.'Anymale
whodarestoopposethemisstigmatizedasa'malechauvinist,'andanyfemalewho
opposesthemislabeledavictimofmalebrainwashing.Obviously,withinadecade,they
willcommandthekeypostsinallareasofindustry(they'vecapturedpublishingalready)
andthengovernmentwillfall.Probably,then,themalesoftheirspecieswillstartlanding
andwe'llallbeenslaved.(Someofthemalesmayhavelandedalready;lookatthe
Manhattanliteraryscene.)It'sthesweetestinfiltrationjobinthehistoryofgalactic
espionage.Formerelydaringtorevealtheirplans,Iamsmearedbythemasa'male
chauvinistpig,'whichistentimesworsethananordinary'malechauvinist'and
equivalenttoanSPontheScientologists'hitlist."

SomeagreedwithJustinCasethatMarvinwaskidding,thathehadmerelyseenan
opportunitythechancetoattainfameandfortunebyespousingabitterlycontroversial
extremeposition.Others,however,claimedhewasdeadserious,andwasaclassical
caseofcocaineparanoia.Marvinalwayspointedout,wheneitherofthesetheorieswas
mentionedinhispresence,"thereisathirdpossibility.Imightberight.Inthatcase,how
convenientforThemthatmysanityandsincerityaresooftencalledintoquestion.It
almostlooksasifTheyareconspiringtodefamemycharacter.Aretheyafraidthat
somemightlistentomebeforeit'stoolate,beforethetakeoveriscomplete?"

Marvin'sprincipalenemy,amongthemalehalfofthepopulation,wasFrankHemeroid,
ofcourse.Hemeroid,oddlyenough,hardlyevenknewofMarvin'sexistenceand,hence,
wasincapableofbeingharmfultohimbyintention.Thatdidn'tmatter.Hewasstillthe
enemywithacapitalE.AttimesMarvinhadevensuspectedhimofbeing
extraterrestrial,liketheleadersofWomen'sLib.

Hemeroidearnedhisanimosityentirelybythebookshewrote,whichwerefullof
treason,accordingtoMarvin.Actually,Hemeroid'snovelsmerelyreflectedthe1970s
literarysocietyaroundhim,inwhichmostpeoplewerealittleweirdandallofthemwere
losers.Hemeroidcarefullydepictedaworldexactlylikethat:Mostofhischaracterswere
weirdandallofthemwerelosers.Thecritics,whowerealllosers,calledhimabrutal
realist.MarvincalledhimatraitortoplanetEarth.

Marvinwroteaboutallthisindialogues(heratherfancieshimselfasbeingofPlatonic
disposition)inwhichthespeakerswereFrankHemeroid,representing1970svaluesand
realityconstructs,andErnestHemingway,Marvin'schildhoodherowhohadbeen
consignedtotheliterarygarbageheapwhentheextraterrestrialstookover.Hemingway,
inthesedialogues,representedMan,individualMan,theuniversalmaverick,ashewas
beforetheextraterrestrialinvasion.

Thedialogueswerefullofthingslikethis:

FRANK:Didyoueverreallybelieveinyourownmyth,youoldfaker?Didyouthinkyou
couldcomeoutofaneuroticsuicidepronefamilyandbysheerWilltransformyourself
intoahero,abraveman,agreatartist,aboxer,abiggamehunter,acultfigure,an
imageofcourageandofgraceunderpressure?Didn'tyouknowyouwereaworm,that
allmenarewormsandcowards,andthatyou'dbebeatenattheend?Didn'tyouknow
you'dbelikealltherestofusandgiveintoselfpityandselfdoubtandpullthatfinal
cosmictrigger?

ERNEST:Ineversaidmywaywaseasy.IsaidthatManwasnotmeantfordefeat,
howevermanyindividualsmaybedefeated.Isaidthattheefforttobeconscious
enoughandbraveenoughwasadmirable,whatevertheconsequences.

FRANK:Consciousness?Bravery?Consciousnessisonlyawareofitsownsufferingin
thisblindexistence,andbraveryisonlyagestureagainsttheinevitableend.Astupid
gesture,sincethecowardslivelonger,andifthey'recowardlyenough,theymakeallthe
comfortabledecisionsandhaveallthesecuritypossibleinaDeathUniverselikethis.

ERNEST:Idenynoneofthat,andIhaveshownthefcrueltymorenakedlythananyof
yourgeneration.Istillsayitisadmirabletobebraveandtakebigrisksforthethingsyou
value.Wheneverythingmammalianandmechanicaltellsyoutorun,andyoustandand
don'trun,youlearnwhatMancanbe.

Andsoon.MarvinwasobsessedwithsomethinghecalledtheDignityofMan.Hewas
notatallamusedbyecologicalrelativistswhotoldhimthatanantoraswinemight
equallybelieveintheDignityofAntortheDignityofSwine.Menwerenotantsorswine,
hewouldsaycoldly;andhewouldclassifythehecklerasprobablybrainwarpedbythe
extraterrestrialAmazons.

Intruth,likemostphilosophers,Marvinneverwroteexplicitlyabouttheonefactorthat
reallydeterminedandexplainedeverythinginhisphilosophy.JustasMarxnever
mentionedhiscarbunclesinDasKapital,andFreuddidn'tpublishanythingabouthis
ownsexualhangups,MarvinGardensneverwroteawordanywhereaboutthesource
andmotiveofallhistheorizing.Thiswashispenis.Itwasfourincheslongatbest,andit
hadgivenhimadefeatistpsychologyaboutthingsingeneral,andwomeninparticular,
againstwhichhehadstruggledmightilytobuildhisphilosophyofTranscendentalMale
Courage.Thewomenheclassifiedasextraterrestrialsfrightenedhimonlyalittlebit
morethantheordinarywomenheclassifiedasterrestrials.

SometimesMarvinwrotedialoguesbetweenPavlov'sDogandSchrdinger'sCat,
insteadofbetweenFrankandErnest.Thesewereusuallyquiteshortandalmostlike
Zenstories:

DOG:I'vegotamillionproofsthatwe'renotfree.

CAT:I'vegotoneproofthatweare.

DOG:What'sthat?

CAT:Whoaskswhat'sthat?

64AMOEBAS

Thebelieforunconsciousconvictionthatallpropositionsareofthesubjectpredicate
forminotherwords,thateveryfactconsistsinsomethinghavingsomequalityhas
renderedmostphilosophersincapableofgivinganyaccountoftheworldofscience.
bertrandrussell,OurKnowledgeoftheExternalWorld

DECEMBER23,1983:

NatalieDrestwasamazedastheconversationswunginanewquantumdirection.
"You,"shegasped,"youdigKrazyCattoo?"
"Indeed,mydear,"BlakeWilliamsbeamed."Imaybethemostdevoutstudentof
Herriman'sworkanywhereinthecivilizedworld."

Hedidn'ttellher(yet)thatheregardedKrazyasasymbolofSchrdinger'sCatinthe
greatwavemechanicspuzzle.

EvenBlakeWilliamsoccasionallyworriedthathewastalkingoverhisaudience'shead.

ButJoeMalikseekspurchaseforanelbowonthebackofthecouch,noticingthestatue
oftheVirginofGuadalupeinthecorneralcove,herfootpresseddownontheheadof
theSerpent.HewaswonderingwhatthehellSantariawas,amazedasalwaysbythe
blindskilloffemalefingers,Carolguidinghimintoherwithoutlookingdownactually
lyingwithhereyesclosedassherevelednodoubtinstrictlyprivatefantasy(AmIPaul
Newman?WoodyAlien?Thatdamnedthirdexhusband?Firstorsecondexhusband?
Somedamnedhighschoolfootballherotenyearsago?),slippinginsmoothly,
interlocking,beginningtomerge;tomeld;tofloatonthegreatoceanofsensation,to
findthewindow.

Nowifenowhoresnomustache(CarolChristmaswasthinking)arealweirdoheisbut
Arabthat'sniceaSultanwe'reintheharemit'smyfirsttimeagain,noamovie,yesa
moviethecameramovingintechniciansallovertheplacewatchingmewatchingeyes
watchingmefuckthefirstreallyhighartpornmoviedeeperahgooddeeperfirstporn
flicktowintheAcademyAwardnomoreOffOffBroadwayformewatchingmewatching
mefuckmillionsofmenwatchingmeintheaterslikethatPussycatwepassedjerking
theircocksfantasizingmefantasizingandcomingdon'tthinkofRonniedon'tthinkdon't
thinkMongoloidthedoctorsaidandIsaidIneverballedaChinamandidn'tunderstand
atfirstwhymewhyofallthemillionsofbirthsontheplanetthatdaywhymedon'tthink
aboutitdon'tgetsadagainjustgowithitthecameratheeyeofthecameramovingin
onmyfacetogetmyorgasmandmillionsofmenwatchingintheatersspurtafterspurt
damnedcruelunjustmurderousuniversemypoorRonniecomingspurtspurtspurt
AcademyAwardcomingnowmecomingnowife?nowhores?nomustache?

And,"Iloveyou,"JoeMalikgasped,reallybelievingitinthatwarmmomentslowly
comingbackfromthereverberationofherorgasmandbeginningtogalloptowardhis
ownclimaxasshemuttered"darlingohdarling"PaulNewman?ExHusbands?Me?
Me?ME???Me?
ButNatalieDrest,fiftyblocksnorth,wasstillobjecting:"AndIthoughtyouwerejust
somehighbrow...""Iam,mydear,ahighbrow.Andalowbrow.AndIsuppose,alas,
evenamiddlebrow.Asingleego,asourfriendMalikwaspointingoutattheparty
tonight,isaridiculouslylimitingperspectiveontheuniverse."Williamssmiled.

"Youmeanlikeyou'vegotthreemindsandoneisaKrazyKatfanandanotheristrying
tostudymodernphysicsfromananthropologicalpointofview?Whatdoesthethird
minddo?"

"Ah,mydear,thatistheGreatWork,openingthethirdI..."

Whattheyforgottokill,saidJoe,
Wentontoorganize

"WhatIlikeisthewayOffisaPupgetsembarrassedaboutbeingadog,youknow?
That'ssymbolism."

Wentontoorganize

"OffisaPup,mydear,isthesuperego..."

Wentontoorganize

PETERPAN!CHILDHOOD!INNOCENCE!

InafineoldmansiononLakeShoreDrive,MarkoffChancytoddleddownthehall
leadingtotheMasterBedroom.HewasdressedinaTeddySnowCropsuitandfeltlike
aperfectdamnedfool.

Oh,well,themoneyisgood,hetoldhimself.Thenhepushedthedooropenand
enteredthefirstrichperson'sbedroomhehadeverseen.
Therewas,ashehadbeentold,onlyonelight,behindthebed,playingupwardonthe
ceilingandsheddingasoftglowbyreflection.Thebedwasmadeup,coveredwithan
expensivelookingheirloomspread.Besideit,litupnicelybytheindirectlight,wasthe
tablebearingasinglecanofSnowCroporangejuice,ashehadexpected.

Andonthebed,nude,eyestightlyclosedandpretendingtosleep,washishostess.

Chancycaughthisbreath.Judgingfromwhathewasexpectedtodo,hehadbeen
preparedtoseeacrazyoldfrump;instead,tohisintensedelight,itwasobviousthatthe
ladywasstillfairlyyoung,quitewellpreserved,anddefinitelystacked.Crazyshemight
be(buthowcouldhejudge?Maybeitwasnormalforrichpeopletoactoutanyfantasy
thatstruckthem.),butunappetizingshedefinitelywasnot.

Althoughshewasthefirstlivenakedwomanhehadeverseen,shewasnoless
strikinglygoldenandroundedthan,say,aPussycatPussyetteoftheMonth.Aheadof
gloriouslyfieryredhairwasspreadonthepillow,andbelowithersupposedlysleeping
facewaslovelyinitspeacefulanticipation.Hiseyessweptoverherroundedshoulders,
thetwosnowywhitebreastsrisingandfallingwithherrespiration,thecutenipplesthat
stoodinsurprisinglylargeareolasuponthosebreasts,thesoftpillowofherbelly,and,
bestofall,thethickswatchofreddishfurthathidhersex.Andshehadlegslikea
chorusgirl.

She'swaitingformeforme!

MarkoffChaneyexperiencedtruehappiness.Boldly,hesteppedforwardandgrabbed
theorangejuicecan.Anopenerlaybesideitandhequicklypunchedtwoholes,his
handstremblingabitwhenthelady'sbellymovedwithherbreathing,hefelthispenis
stirinthesamerhythm.

Then,clutchingthejuicecaninonehand,hehoistedhimselfontothebed,catchingher
inasuddensmile.Butshewasgoodatthegame;hereyesstilldidn'topen.

Carefully,helaybesideherhip,lookingatthosebreasts,thosereal3Dfemalebreasts,
notinaphotograph,butrightthereinbedwithhim.Twoofthem,byChrist.Then,with
infinitedelicacy,heliftedthecanandletsomeoftheorangejuicedribbleontoherbush.
Shesighedandatremorranthroughher.Hepouredalittlemore,andherlegsspread
voluptuouslyandsheslowlyraisedherknees.Hewasseeingitatlast,theouterlips
andthecleftrevealedashehadalwaysdreamedofit,thehaloofreddishfurevenmore
lovelythaninhisfantasies.Hedribbledsomemoreorangejuiceandleanedover,
pushingthesnoutontoherbushandmaneuveringhistongueintothecleftbetweenthe
lips.

Immediately,shegroanedandthrewherlegsoverhisshoulders,pullinghimdeeper
downintohercrotch."Teddy,"shemurmured,"you'vecomeback."

Weallliveinourfantasyandonlyendureourreality,hethoughtphilosophically.
Accordingtoinstructions,hebeganaspirallickingmotion,workingfromtheouterlips
slowlyinwardaroundtheinnerlipsandendingwiththeclitorisagain.Shebeganto
heaveupanddownliketheloudroaringsea,andhisexcitementgrew,asheimagined
andparticipatedinhersensations.

HerhandswereontheearsofhisTeddySnowCropfcostumeandshewaspullinghim
downontoherfranticallyasshebuckedupward,literallyfuckinghismouth.Hebegan
lappinghermorerapidly,quitedistinctlytastingthemustymuskyfemaleinpassion
flavormixedwithorangejuice.

"Oh,yourtongue,yourtongue!"shecried."Inme,Teddy,inme."

Themidgetmaneuveredhistongueintohervaginaandbobbedhisheadinimitation
fuckingmotions.Herlegswentlimponhisback,thentight,thenlimpagain.She'sclose
tocoming,hethoughtrapturously.I'mmakingawomancomeatlast.Hestrained,
stickinghistonguefartherintoher,maddenedbythethickerandheaviertasteofher
andlosingtheorangejuicecanentirelyinhispassion.Hegotbothhandsunderherand
liftedherass,drawingherpussyuptohim,suckingdesperatelyasheplungedhis
tongueagainandagaindeeperanddeeperintoher.

"TEDDYSNOWCROP!"shescreamedinsanely."FRODOBAGGINSHPETERPAN!!!
CHILDHOOD!!!!INNOCENCE!!!!EATMYPUSSY!!!!"Shewascoming,gushinglikean
oilwell,allthefemalejuicesofherflowingintohismouth,andhenibbledtheouterlips
withhisteeth,eyestightlyclosed,ridingonhercrotchlikeamanhangingontotheedge
ofacliffbyhisjawmusclesalone,buckingandbouncingwithher,swallowingthe
essenceofherwomanhood,theelixir,andnowafterdecadesanddecadesof
frustration,finallycoming,explodingfromthesheerlustofhersoulcommunicatedto
himineveryspasmandtwitchofherpassionatepussy.

Hethoughttwothings:Now;they'regoingtohavetocleantheTeddySnowCropsuit.

And:IwonderifI'mstilltechnicallyavirgin.

THERICHECONOMY

GALACTICARCHIVES:

PresidentHubbard'sfirststepinestablishingtheRICHEconomywastoofferaprizeof
$50,000peryeartoanyworkerwhocoulddesignamachinethatwouldreplacehimor
her.

Whentheprimatelaborunionsraisedtwentythreevarietiesofhellaboutthisplan,
Hubbardcounteredbyoffering$30,000ayeartoallotherworkersreplacedbysucha
machine.Therankandfileunionpeoplefellintoconflictimmediately,someaccepting
thisasafineidea(thisgroupconsistingmostlyofthoseearninglessthantwentythou
perannum),andtheleadersstillhypnotizedbytheconditionedanddomesticated
primatereflexthatEmploymentwasGoodandUnemploymentwasBad.

Whiletheunionssquabbledamongthemselvesandceasedtopresentaunitedfront
againsttheRICHscenario,conservativesmountedacampaignagainstitontheground
thatitwasinflationary.HereHubbard'spoliticalgeniusshoweditself.Shemadeno
efforttoreasonwiththeintellectualconservatives,whowerealltheologiansindisguise.
Allcorporationheadsandotheralphamalesoftheright,however,wereinvitedtoa
seriesofWhiteHousemultimediapresentationsonhowRICHwouldworkforthem.

Thechiefpointsinthesepresentationswerethat:(1)amachineworkstwentyfourhours
aday,noteighttherebytriplingoutputimmediately;(2)machinesdonottakesickleave;
(3)machinesareneverlateforwork;(4)machinesdonotformunionsandconstantly
askforhigherwagesandmorefringebenefits;(5)machinesdonottakevacations;(6)
machinesdonotharborgrudgesandfoulupproductioninsneaky,undetectableways;
(7)cybernationwasadvancingeverydecade,anyway,despitetheoppositionofunions,
government,andthesealphamales;itwasbettertohavehugepopulationscelebrating
therewardof$30,000to$50,000peryearforgroupclevernessthanhugepopulations
sufferingthehumilityofwelfare;(8)withproductionrisingduetobothcybernationand
thespacecities,consumerswereneededandasocietyonwelfarewasasocietyof
verymeagerconsumers.

Thealphamaleswerestillfightingamongthemselvesaboutwhetherthiswas"sound"
ornotwhenitsqueakedthroughCongress.

Withinayearthefirstcaseofthenewmultiinventiveleisureclassappeared.Thiswasa
CherokeeIndiannamedStarhawk,whohadbeenanenginelatheworkerinTucson.
Afterdesigninghimselfoutofthatjob,Starhawkhadgoneontolearnfourother
mechanicalfactoryjobs,designedhimselfoutofeach,andnowhadaguaranteed
incomeof$250,000ayearforthesefeats.Hewasnowdevotinghimselftopaintingin
thetraditionalCherokeestylewhichwaswhathehadalwayswantedtodo,backin
adolescence,beforehelearnedthathehadtoworkforaliving.

By1983therewereoverathousandsimilarcases.Manyhadgoneontoseekadvanced
scientificdegrees,andsomehadalreadymigratedtotheL5spacecities.Theswarming
wasbeginning.

Themajorityoftheunemployed,livingcomfortablyon$30,000ayear,admittedlyspent
mostoftheirtimedrinkingbooze,smokingweed,engaginginprimatesexualacrobatics,
andwatchingwallTV.

Whenmoralistscomplainedthatthiswasasubhumanexistence,Hubbardanswered,
"Andwhatkindofexistencedidtheyhavedoingidiotjobsthatmachinesdobetter?"

Someoftheunemployedwerebeginningtoseekjobsagain;afterall,$48,000or
$53,000isbetterthan$30,000.Usually,theyfoundthathighereducationwasrequired
forthejobsthatwerestillavailable.Manywerebackincollege;adulteducation,already
afastgrowthindustryinthe1970s,wasnowthefastestgrowingfieldofall.
HubbardwasreadytolaunchStageTwooftheRICHEconomy.

SATIRE

ThedialoguesbetweenFrankHemeroidandErnestHemingwaygrewmoreturgidly
moralisticasthe1970spassed;Marvinwasneverabletobringhimselftoapproacha
sexualpartnermorealientohisowntormentedegothanhisrightfist.Hesublimated.

ERNEST:Fearisinallofusandmustbefaced.Hewhohesitatesislost.Hewho
confrontsthefearisundefeatedforever,evenifhisbodydies.

FRANK:Oh,comeoffit.Theonlyreasonanybodyeverdoesanything"brave"is
becausehe'smoreafraidofbeingcalledanogoodshitforrunningaway.

ERNEST:Youpassathousandheroesonthestreeteverydayandneverknowhowwell
theyarecarryingtheirburdens.

FRANK:Iknow.ThewomanwiththeMongoloidchild.Theblindmanwhomakesyouso
uncomfortable.Therapevictimpullingherselftogetherandrefusingtogomad.The
dumbcopwithaherniayetwhogoesdownanalleyafterahoppedupthiefwhoisalso
armed.I'mnotblind,myself.Youonlyseetheirmomentsofheroism.Youdon'tchoose
towatchhowblowfollowsblowuntilheroismbecomesmeaninglessandtheyallgive
up,onebyone,andjointheuniversalchorusofdespair.

ERNEST:Ihaveseensomewhonevergaveup.Apigsquealswhenheseestheax
coming.Amancanlookrightattheaxallhislifeandnotsqueal.

FRANK:Theaxfalls,anyway,doesitnot?Isn'tyourrefusaltosquealjustabigact,a
giganticlie?It'smorehonesttosquealwiththeotherswine.

ERNEST:Istilldeclinetoadmitthatmenarenomorethanswine.
FRANK:YouareaRomantic,youoldfool.Ifyouhadbeenhonestenoughtosqueallike
therestoftheswine,peoplewouldhaveseenthetruthsooner.Everywarsinceyour
dayhasbeenpartlyyourfault,youknow.Ifeverybodysquealedandranaway,there'd
benowars.

OfcoursenobodywantedtopublishthiskindofrantingalthoughittookMarvinnearly
tenyearstolearnthat.

In1979hesetoutgrimlytowritetheworst,mosttasteless,mostvulgarbookpossible.
Hehadarrivedatthatstageofpsychologicalmasochismwhereonemustproveone's
mostpessimisticassumptionsaretrue,forthesheerdelightofknowingonceandforall
thattheuniverseisreallyapisspoorpropositionallaround."Publictasteisa
misanthropist'sheavenandahumanitarian'shell,"hesaidbitterly.Forhisherohe
electedamonstersomonstrousastobeamockeryofallhumanhope,butoneso
obscurethathedidnotpossessanyoftheevilglamourthatsurroundsaHitler,aNixon,
oraJacktheRipper.HepickedVladTeppisVladtheImpalerafourteenthcentury
Hungarianreligiousfanaticwhohadexecuted100,000peoplefordifferingwithhisown
extremelyoddtheologicalnotions.

Marvin'snovelnotonlyjustifiedVlad,butpositivelyglorifedhim;itwasfullof
denunciationsofliberalism,permissiveness,andtheopponentsofcapitalpunishment.It
alsohadthemostviolentrapescenesMarvincouldconjureoutofhismisogynistic
imagination.

VladtheBarbarianwasablatantincitementtoviolence,garbedinthemostreactionary
moralisticprejudicesimaginable.ItwasboughtbythefirstNewYorkpublishertowhom
itwassubmitted,forahigheradvancethanAlbertSpeer'smemoirsoranyofthe
confessionalsoftheWatergatefelons.Amoviesalewasnegotiatedevenbeforethe
bookwasreleased,andJohnWaynestarredasVlad,lookingreallysincereeverytime
heexplainedwhymurderandrapewerethehighesthumanvirtues.

Marvinwasimmediatelycommissionedtowriteasequel,VladVictorious.

Actually,becauseMarvinreallywas,inhisownoddway,aphilosopherofsorts,Vlad
theBarbarianwasnottotallybad.InresearchingitMarvinhadstumbleduponthe
enigmathatmakesVladTeppissomewhatinterestingtostudentsofthehumanmindin
generalandtherulingclassmindinparticular.Themysterywasthis:Twoearly,
approximatelycontemporaryandseeminglyauthenticaccountstelloneparticularstory
aboutVlad,buteachtellsitdifferently.Thereisthusnoscientificwayofsayingwhich
accountistrue.

ThedisputedstoryisthattwomonksonajourneystoppedatVlad'scastleonenight
andbeggedshelterfromtheelements.Vladsetoutforthemamagnificentbanquetand
thenafterwardaskedthemwhatthepeopleofHungaryreallythoughtabouthim.The
firstmonkanswereddiplomaticallyandfalselythateverybodysaidVladwasasternbut
justruler.Thesecondmonkboldlytoldthetruth:thateverybodysaidVladwasa
homicidalmaniac.Vladthereuponhadoneofthemonksimpaled.Theproblemisthat
thefirstseeminglyauthenticaccountsaysheexecutedtheflatteringliar,andtheother
seeminglyauthenticaccountclaimsheexecutedthehonestmonk.

Marvinleftthismysteryunsolvedinhisbook,anditwas,perhaps,onereasonthatthe
novelbecamefashionableevenwithintellectuals.

Everybody,itappeared,hadsomeintuitive,prelogicalfeelingaboutwhichmonkaman
ofthecaliberofVladTeppiswouldimpale.Somewerequitesurethatadingalingofthat
sortwouldkilltheonewhodaredtotellhimthetruth.Others,however,werejustassure
thatVladwouldfindaspecialsadisticrelish,andamoraljustificationtoboot,in
surprisingbothmonksbyexecutingtheflatterer.

ArguingaboutVlad'schoice,asitwassooncalled,spreadfromcoasttocoast.

"Whatwouldyoudoifyouwereoneofthemonks?"wasafavoritequestioninthese
arguments.

"I'ddowhatthefirstmonkdid,"SimonMoonsaid,inanargumentwithother
programmerswhoworkedwiththeBeast."I'dtellVladhewastheverymodelofa
Christianstatesmanwhich,infact,hewas."

"I'dtellthetruth,"saidMarkoffChancy,onaGreyhoundbus,"justtoprovethatlittlemen
havebigballs."
"I'dlie,"Dr.FrankDashwoodadmittedataposhNobHillpartyinSanFrancisco."The
mostdangerousthingintheworldistotellthetruthtoagovernmentofficialwhoisa
primitivebarbarian,infourteenthcenturyTransylvaniaortwentiethcenturyAmerica."

ProfessorFred("Fidgets")Digits,whoalwayskepthisconnectionwiththeWarrenBelch
Societyasecretand,hence,retainedacademicrespectability,finallypublishedapaper
inTechnologyReviewanalyzingtheproblemfromtheperspectiveofthevonNeumann
Morgensterngametheory.Themonks,inthiscontext,basicallyconfrontaproblemin
prediction.Eachmustdecide,beforespeaking,whatVlad'sreactionwillbe:Willhebe
gratefulforanaccuratereportorangeredbyit?Everypersoninanauthoritarian
situationfacesthisdilemmadaily,andithauntscorporations,armies,andgovernment
bureacracies."Itistheclassicdisinformationsituation,"Digitsconcluded,satisfiedthat
hehadidentifiedtheproblem,evenifhecouldn'tsolveit.

Otherspointedoutthesimilarlogicofthenotorious"SnafuPrinciple"proposedbythe
eccentricbusinessmanHagbardCelineinhiswitty,perverselittlebookletNeverWhistle
WhileYou'rePissing.AccordingtotheSnafuPrinciple,accurate,honestcommunication
ispossibleonlybetweenequals,andeverypowermatrixisadisinformationsituation.

Sincethisseemstochallengetheveryprincipleofpowerandleadsdirectlytoanarchy,
manyweresorrythatMadMarvinhadeverposedtheVladEnigma.

STRANGEAEONS

Gestorbenistnicht,wasfrewigruht,undmitunbekanntenAonenmagsogarderTod
nochsterben.
VONJUNZT

Asascientist,WashyBridge,ofcourse,regardedVonJunztasamentalcaseandthe
Necronomiconastheravingsofaderangedcannabisabuser.Nonetheless,thatone
gauntGermansentencefoundin1971stuckwithhim,tauntedhim,provokedhim,
eventuallygoadedhim.HebeganstudyingtheoriginsoftheFrankensteinideawithin
thePrometheanambienceoftheShelleyByroncircle.Heresearchedtheearly
ResuscitationSociety.HetraveledtoMichigantotalktoH.C.E.Coppinger,thefarout
physicistwhohadstartedthecryonicsmovementwithhisastonishingbookTheAspects
ofImmortality.Theideajustwouldn'tletgoofhim.In1974heeven,somewhat
shamefacedly,lookedintothewritingsofastrangeProvidence,RhodeIsland,mystic
whohadwrittenmuchonthemetaphysicsoftheNecronomicon.Washyfoundinthis
man'sweirdwritingsabettertranslationthanthatofVonJunzt:

Thatisnotdeadwhichcaneternallie
Andwithstrangeaeonsevendeathmaydie

CONTRANATURAM

JustinCase,feelingontopoftheworldandfulltothebrimwithhumankindness,gavea
lavishtiptotheyoungladywhohadassistedhimduringhisChristianScience
copulationwithCarolChristmas.Hewenthomemusinghappilyonhowsimplelifewas
reallyandhoweasyitwastotranscendone'sownlittleproblemswithawaterbed,a
cooperativewarmmouthedlady,ChristianScience,andafewgoodsnortsofMarvin
Gardens'sincrediblecoke.

OnFourteenthStreetnearUnionSquare,Justinwasstoppedbyazombie.Thezombie
hadpaleskin,largeeyesthatnevermoved,amouththatdidn'tsmile,andthe
unmistakableexpressionofdeath."Doyouloveyourneighbor?"thezombieasked.

"Pardonme,"Justinsaid,dodging,"butI...""Itiseasytoloveyourneighbor,"the
zombiesaid,dodgingwithhim."ThescientificprinciplesofChristianLovearenow
knownandcanbeappliedbyanyone.Foronedollar,justonesingledollar,youcan
haveacopyofWhatReligiosophyMeans,thebookthatanswersallthequestionsof
philosophydefinitelyandscientifically.""Please"Justinshiftedagain"Imust...""ForMy
cents,"thezombiewenton,stillwithnoexpressionandwitheyesunmoving,"youcan
haveTheScientificCureforDepressions,EconomicandPsychological.""Oh,goshitin
yourhat,"JustingrowledinCircuitTwoterritoriallanguage."Disappear.Getoutofmy
way,youcreep."

"Thisisfree,"thezombiesaid,passinghimafourpagepamphlettitled"UsuraContra
NaturamEst.""Thereisnoneedforcompetition,brother."

Justinlookedatthepamphletwhenhegothome.Itwasmadeupofquotationsfrom
ThomasAquinas,EzraPound,B.F.Skinner,andDr.HoraceNaismith,founderofthe
FirstBankofReligiosophy.ThequotesfromAquinasandPoundcondemnedthelending
ofmoneyatinterest.ThequotesfromSkinnersaidthatpeoplecouldbeconditionedto
abandonanyhabitualbehaviorandsubstituteanewbehavior.ThequotesfromDr.
NaismithurgedeverybodytojointheFirstBankofReligiosophy,oratleasttobuyoneof
hisbooksorpamphlets:"WhatReligiosophyMeans,"TheScientificCurefor
Depressions,EconomicandPsychological,"JesusChrist'sSecretTeachingsAbout
Money,"andOperantReinforcement,theBibleAlternativetoSatan'sInternational
Bankers*

Thestreetswerefullofzombiesatthattime.TheReligiosophistswerethemostrobotic;
notfornothinghadDr.HoraceNaismith,founderofReligiosophy,spentfiveyears
studyingwithB.F.SkinneratHarvard.TheReligiosophistshadallbeenoperant
conditionedtobetirelessproselytizers,andBlakeWilliamshadeveninventeda
mathematicalpuzzlebasedoncalculatingtheprobabilityofcrossinganyAmericancity
withoutbeingaccostedbyoneofthem,whichturnedouttobeharderthantheold
problemofcrossingDublinwithoutpassingapub.

*TerranArchives2803;Interestwasachargefortheuseofthecirculatingmedium
(money).Primatologistshavefoundsimilarmoneyfetishismonhundredsofplanets
wherehominidtypesevolved;moneyandbarterthemselvesaretypicalprimate
behaviorswhichcaneasilybetaughttochimpanzeesandotheranthropoids.Inaddition
toAquinas,Pound,andNaismith,earlyTerrestrialphilosopherswhosuggestedmore
humanalternativestothisapelikeeconomicsincludedThomasEdison,Buckminster
Fuller,C.H.Douglas,BenjaminTucker,andseveralothers.Sinceprimatebehavior
changesonlyundertheimpactofnewtechnology(Moon'sFirstLaw),themoneyand
interestfetishcontinueduntilthethirdstageoftheRICHEconomyabolishedtheneed
foracirculatingmedium.

TheGaneshaFreakswerealmostasandroid.LedbySwamiMammonananda,theyhad
alsobeenconditionedtobesuperpersistenthustlersandtobelievethattheworldwould
reachsamadhionMay1,1984,if100,000,000peoplewerepayingfundsdirectlyinto
Mammonananda'sbankaccountbythatdateinreturnforbronzeemblemsofGanesha,
theHinduPapaLegba,orOpenerBetweentheWorlds.

TheworstpestsofallweretheLoonies,disciplesofNeonBalLoon,anEnglish
eccentricoriginallybornAlbertPikeinGaotu,Wobblysex,BuggeringontheThames,
Lousewartshire,England.PikeclaimedtobeareincarnatedTibetanandinsistedthat
NeonBalLoomwasarealTibetanname,hisinhisformerincarnation.Heaverred
furtherthattheearthwashollowandagangofnakedwomen,witches,livedinsideand
wereresponsibleforalltheevilsonthesurface.HisfollowersprayedinpigLatin,while
standingononeleglikestorks.PikeclaimedthatwasthelanguageofLemuria.

MaryMargaretWildebloodsnugglesallcomfyandcozyinherbed,swallowsafemale
hormonetabletwithwaterpouredneatfromasilversheenedpitcherbesidetheclock
andopensawellthumbededitionofThe120DaysofSodomrememberingthefoot
beneaththechintheropesthenudefigureofCagliostrotiedtothebedpostsandbegins
toread,Jesuswatchingwiththosereproachfulhurtingeyesasherhandsneaksbackto
thetablegropesoverthepitcherandclockdowntothedrawertoremovestealthily
(PerfectSin,withJesuswatching)thevibratorHere'stheparttorturesespeciallyfor
pregnantwomen.

ButMarvinreadsintotalconfusion

Chromosomereduction(meiosis)occursinearlydivisionsofthesynkaryon

Synkaryon?Whatthestereophonicfuckisthat?Skipabit.

fromwhichthesexcells(gametes)areproduced(gametogenesis)whichundergo
nuclearreorganization(autogamy)occursinformaniferans
Syngamymaybebetweensimilargametes(isogamous)orbetweenobviouslydifferent
gametes(anisogamous)Butaretheythesameamoebadammitwhycan'ttheytellusin
plainwordshavetheextraterrestrialstakenovertheBritannicatoo?

MarvinGardensissniffingjustalittlebitmorecoke,onlyatinybit,really,turningtheFM
dialinsearchofsomemusicasacceleratedashisownnervoussystem,thinking:Atthe
fifthgenerationyou'vegotahum64amoebasafullblownecosystemnowwhatIwant
toknowiswouldtheyallbepermutationsandcombinationslikethe64hexagramsin
theIChingorwouldtheyallbethesameliketheCreativerepeated64times?Jesus
maybejustonemoresnortonelittletinyteensyweensyitiybittysnortyeswithcloning
nowinlaboratoriestheremaybe64ofmesomedayoutbreedtheextraterrestrialsthat
waymaybeJesusyesbutLindaLovelaceohChristifIeverdidmeetherI'dbetooshy
tosay,tosay,ImeanlikewithPicassoyoucouldjustwalkrightupandsay"I'man
admirerofyourworkandI'dliketocommissionasmallsketch"perfectlynormalanartist
andafanbuttosay"Iadmireyourworkcouldyougivemeapersonalizedblowjob"

wentontoorganize
wentontoorganize

"Ithinktherecordisstuck,"Nataliesaid,finallygettingawordinedgewise.

"UrnyesmydearjustasecbutIgnatzIwassayingisverysimplemindedhethinkshe
justhatescats"

wentontoorggggprp

"WhereasKrazyontheotherhandknowsthateachbrickisactuallyaphallicgift
[HerrimanmusthavebeenawareoftheFreudianassociationsofthatmarvelous
monosyllable,brick].Krazyremembers,orthingssheremembers,aprevious
incarnationinwhichsheandIgnatzwerelovers...."

Butinthesplitsecondoforgasmintheorgonomicplasma,egodilatedtocrashwave
afterwavefloatingintheastralastaughtbyHagbardviaMissPortinariinpotentiafaster
thanthespeedoflightfullblownoneachsideoftheboundary,JoeMalikinterrorsees
theglaringredEyeandthegoldentriangularframe3x3x3thesignofChoronzon,333,
whosenameandnumbersignifiedtheGreatLie.

INTERNATIONALCOCAINEINC.

ThedebateabouttheVladEnigmagavebirthtoageneralinterestinproblemsof
disinformation.ThePrisoner'sDilemmawasdraggedoutofheavymathematicaltomes
andpopularized.TheTuringMachinewasreexaminedintabloidnewspapers.The
EmpedocleanparadoxevengotmentionedontheJohnnyCarsonshow.

TwoBerkeleyacidheads,knownonTelegraphAvenueasTheCatandTheDog,
dreamedupamoreintensedisinformationmatrixin1980."Whatwouldhappen,"The
CataskedonedayintheCafeMediterraneum,"ifweboughtatruckandpaintedonthe
sideofitINTERNATIONALCOCAINEIMPORTERSINC.,anddroveitaroundthe
streets?"

"InBerkeley,"TheDogsaid,"thecopswouldjustlaugh.They'dbesureitwasanother
putonbytheHogFarmortheMerryPrankstersorsomebody.ButinSanFrancisco
theywouldn'ttakeachance.Thefirstcopwouldstopthetruckandsearchit."

"Nah,"saidanunsuccessfulpoetnamedRobertW.Anton."They'remorehipthanthat
inSanFrancisco.ButinL.A...."

ThedebatespreadfromtheMedtoMoe's,fromMoe'stoSatherGate,leapttheBayto
appearinHerbCaen'scolumn,eventuallyspreadfromcoasttocoastasatagend
posertocapalldiscussionsoftheVladEnigma.Finally,takingthelogicalexperimental
step,aSanFranciscotheologiannamedMalaclypsetheYoungeractuallypainteda
truckinverytastefulandprofessionalletteringanddroveitaroundtheBayAreaforallto
see:

INTERNATIONALCOCAINEIMPORTERSINC.
LIMASANDIEGOVANCOUVER
"THINGSGOBETTERWITHCOKE"
HewasstoppedandsearchedthreetimesthefirstweekonceinSausalito,whichisthe
cocaineandVaselinecapitalofUnistatandhasparticularlysuspiciouscops.Hewas
neverstoppedinBerkeley.AfterthesecondweekhewasnolongerstoppedinSan
Francisco.Immediatelyawholefleetofsimilartrucksbegantoappear.

Disinformationhadbeenincarnated."AllhailEris,"saidMalaclypse,apiousmaninhis
ownoddway.Virtuallynoneofthetruckswasstoppedandsearchedafterthefirst
month.Copswhohadmadehorses'assesofthemselvesinthejokingphaseofthis
uprisingofsurrealistpoliticsrefusedtotaketheriskofbeinglaughedatagain.Nobody
caredtoguesshowmanyofthetruckswerereallycarryingcocaine.

ItallbecameacademicwhenvictimlesscrimeswereredefinedintheCodeHubbard.

DONOTGOGENTLE

Donotgogentleintothatgoodnight:Rage,rageagainstthedyingofthelight.
dylanthomas

GALACTICARCHIVES:

PresidentHubbard'swayofencouragingtheLongevityRevolutionwascharacteristic.
Sheestablishedayearlyrewardof$100,000forthenonscientistwhomadethemost
importantcontributiontothefightagainstaging.Sincethescientistsengagedinlife
extensionresearchwerealreadyoneofthetwomostheavilyfundedgroupsinUnistat
(theotherwasthespaceengineers),scientistswereamused,butnotoffended,bythis
wildidea.

Thefirstyeartherewere5,237entriessubmitted.AspotcheckbytheBeastshowed
that4,023camefromthenewleisureclassexworkerswhohadinventedthemselves
outofseveraljobsandhad$50,000to$80,000annualincomes.Theotherscamefrom
peoplewhohadbeenunemployedbytheseinventions.Evidently,manyofthemwere
gettingboredwithalifethatconsistedmostlyoffucking,TV,andvacations,eventhough
thathadbeenwhatmostprimatesimaginedtheywoulddoiftheydidn'thavetoworkfor
aliving.

Thesecondyeartherewereover30,000entriesmuchasHubbardhadexpected.

TheLongevityRevolutionwashavingitsinevitableeffect.Peoplewhowereexpectingto
liveforcenturiesinsteadofdecadeswerespontaneouslytakingtheNextStepintheir
thinking.ThehominidsofTerrawerebecomingreorientedtothesearchforImmortality.

Andasecondtrendwasbecomingobvious.Themajorityofpractical,testablehyper
longevityproposalswerecominginfromthecolonistsintheL5spacecities.

ThedomesticatedprimatesofTerrawerebeginningtoconsciouslyguidetheirown
evolutiontowardbecomingCosmicImmortals.

ToJustinCaseitappearedthattheadministrationwasthefirstgovernmentinhistoryto
takeBeethovenseriously.Tohim,Hubbard'swholephilosophywasobviouslyderived
fromthelastmovementoftheNinth.

THEDARLINGBUDSOFMAY

SinceacathastheBuddhamind,evenMarvinGardenshadhadhisownexperienceof
theFirstNobleTruth.Hehadmadethemistake,once,in1981,ofeatingaheavysliceof
hashcandyfromAfghanistaninsteadofhisafterdinnersnortofcokeandsomehow
therewasaneruptionofactivityinthegriefcircuitsofthethalamus.Thetrampdidnot
move.Hesawtheskullbeneaththeskin,likeEliot;thetearspouredandhesatthere,
weepingforallflesh,foralltormentedflesh,foralltormentedfuckingflesh,howlingin
anguishatthewithdrawalofthenippleofselfabsorption.HewasinBelsen.Hestoodin
thewhitelightasHiroshimawasincinerated.HewatchedtheGrandArmyretreatinthe
snowfromMoscow.Thetrampfelleternallytowardthesidewalkandhesawthewolves
closeinontheterrifiedcaribou,thesmirkofCaligulaandallsadistseverywhere,the
parentsofathousandwarsweepingwithhimovermurderedchildren("Weshouldbe
gentlewithchildren,"aVoicesaidreproachfullyfromawindowinspace),andfora
minutehehadacrazyreligiousvisionthatWEHAVETOSTOPTHEKILLINGthereis
nootherwayanditistoolateforanotheralternativeitisexactlythatsimpleandyoucan
evenrepeatitinitalicswehavetostopthekillingandhewassoexcitedatthesudden
clarityofitthathecouldseehiswholefutureasnonstopwitnessingtothetruthofthis
vision.HewouldinventhisownTVshowandbecomeasupersalesmanandsellittothe
topnetworkanditwouldbetheCorporalWorksofMercyHour.Itwouldhavenoactsof
violenceorhurting.Itwouldjustbedecentpeopledoingdecentthings,asenumerated
inthefamouspassagefromAquinas:visitingthesickandimprisoned,feedingthe
hungry,givingsheltertothehomeless,aidingtheoppressed,comfortingtheafflicted,
andprayingforusall.

Itwasthatsimple,beyondalltheironyandagonyofhistorturedhumor,andyoucould
evensayitinoneword:ahimsa.

Yeaaaay,God!Glory,glory,glory.

Hestaggeredtohisdesktorecordthisrevelation,butwhenhegottheremicroamnesia
hadalreadysetinandhecouldn'trememberwhatitwasthathadseemedsoclearand
important,butanotherVoicewascomingthroughandhescrawledrapidly:

RoughwindsdoshakethedarlingbudsofMay

Atthatverymoment,inLosAngeles,EveHubbarddecidedshewasgoingtorunfor
President.

THEUNIVERSEDECIDES

"Sothat,"JustinCaseconcludestriumphantly(heisdreamingaboutgivingalectureto
anaudienceoftransvestites),"theelementsinthemontagemaybeofanynumberfive,
fifteen,fifty,whateverandtherebeanyemotionsyoucanimagineimplicitineachoneof
themseparately.Nonetheless,thetotalemotionaleffectemergesfromthemontage,not
fromtheelements.FilmisthevisualdemonstrationofFuller'ssynergeticgeometry."

"You'refullershit!"oneofthetransvestitesyelled.

Whoshit?Justinshit.Bullshit!Whoshit?Hewasbeingcarriedaroundbythetime
dwarfsinajeweledchairwearingtheCrownofThorns.ItwasMardiGras.Hewas
havingaswelltime.Hedecidedtogoonlecturingthem.

"ThemontageofChinatownorChapelPeriloustakesustotheLairofFuManchuthe
centerofPowertheoccultNineUnknownIlluminatedOneswhoruletheworldthe
secretofcapitalismandownershipthecruelCrossthatseparatesinsidefromoutside,
withoutwindows."

Butthenhewethispantsandtheywerealllaughingathim,laughingmockinglyand
childishly,astheyclosedinwiththetarandfeathers.Theyhadfoundouthewasano
goodshit.

"Inotherwords,"BlakeWilliamslectures,"whatcollapsesthestatevectoranderum
determinesorahleastwaysbringsitaboutthatanewquantumstateappearscanonly
beaHiddenVariableimplicateinthewholesystemthebiggestwholesystem."

"YoumeanwhenIgnatzthrowsthebrick"

"IfIgnatzisaquantumphysicistandisthrowingaphoton,KrazyorSchrdinger'sCat
canbeinanyofseveraleigenstates,um,yes,sothatineffectthewholeuniverse
participatesintheahdecisionastowhethertheKatwillbehitbythebrickumahorthe
photonahasthecasemaybe."

"Professor,"Natalieaskedfinally,driventotheEdge,"areyouputtingmeon?"

"MydearIamummerelygivingyouthemostconsistentandliteralinterpretationof
Bell'sTheoremasdevelopedbyDr.JeffreyChewatU.C.BerkeleyandDr.FritjofCapra
inTheTaoofPhysics."

"Thewholeuniversedecides?"
"Wellthereisumacertaindegreeofmetaphorinvolved...."

"Youknow,Professor"Nataliesitsupandgiveshimalevelglance"Imetamidgetonce,
anastylittlesonofabitch,buthetoldmesomethingIneverforgot.Allthatexistsis
metaphor,hesaid,andwhoevercontrolsourmetaphorscontrolsus."

"Asananthropologist,"BlakeWilliamssaid,"Imustagree.Arewelivinginanoccult
thriller,apornmovie,aphilosophicaltreatise,ascifinovel?Itdependsonwhichparts
ofourexperiencewechoosetohighlight.Thatbrings

ustothequestion:Arewewritingourlifescripts,oristhereaHiddenVariable,asthe
newquantumtheoriessuggest?"

"Youmeanthewholeuniversewilldecidewhatwe'regonnadonext?"Nataliewanteda
straightanswer.

"Wellumthat'sthealternativetosayingtherearemultipleuniverseswhereanythingthat
canhappendoeshappenahandit'squitedemocratic,really,sinceeverylessersystem
withinthewholesystemgetsitsvote."

Natalie'ssemanticcircuitwasworkingonoverload."You'retellingmethateachofus
andthechairoverthereandeachatominusandinthechairandinMarvin'scocaine
weallgetonevote?"

"Umperhapswehavecarriedthemetaphortillitstaggers..."

"ItsoundslikeMozart'smusic,"Nataliesaid,seeingthewindowagain."Allas
mechanicalasaclockworkandyetasfreeasadream...."

HELL

GALACTICARCHIVES:

PresidentHubbardhadlargelyabolishedcrimebyabolishingprisons.

Thiswasoneofhermostastonishingachievements,sincemostprimatesthought
prisonswerepreventatives,notcauses,ofcrime.

EveHubbard,needlesstosay,hadalwaysbeenauniqueTerran,whichwaswhyshe
wasthefirstBlackPresidentofUnistat.Althoughshewas,likemostbrilliantpeople,
extremelygoodlookingthegeneticlinkbetweenhealth,hedonism,cleverness,and
goodlooks(the"brighteyesandbushytails"gestalt)istrueinallspeciesonallknown
planetsEvehaddroppedoutoffilmsafterasmashsuccessasthesupersexedebony
androidinGentlemenPreferClones.ShehadgoneontomajorinphilosophyatUCLA,
andwasalmostdeniedherPh.D.becauseherthesiswasathoroughrejectionofall
philosophieshithertoinventedbyTerranprimates.Shewentontobecomeoneofthe
firstneurogeneticists.Infact,itwasduetocertaindiscoveriesinprimategeneticsthat
shehaddecidedtogointopoliticsnext.

TheCodeHubbard,themostimportantrevisionofprimatejurisprudencesincethe
CodeNapoleon,dividedallcrimesintothreeclasses.

Crimesagainstconventionsocalledvictimlesscrimeswerenotpenalizedatall.A
citizencouldbeinterrogatedabouteachbehavioronlyaftercomplaintsbyaminimumof
onehundredneighbors.Theinterrogators,agroupoftrainedneurogeneticists,would
thenpublishareport,eithermildlyrecommendingrelocationoftheheretic,or,much
morecommonly,stronglyadvisingtheneighborstomindtheirownbusiness.

Manylibertariansobjectedtothis,sincetheywantedvictimlesscrimesabolishedutterly.
Hubbardhadpragmaticallyrealizedthatsuchlibertarianpenologywasimpracticaluntil
theprimatestotallyoutgrewthemoralitydelusion.

ThosewhochoserelocationwereassignedbytheBeasttoanenvironmentwheretheir
heresywas"normal."MostofthemfoundthattheBeastrecommendedanL5space
city,andmostofthemlikeditwhentheygotthere.Theyhadfutiquegenes.

Manyoftheheretics,ofcourse,chosetostaywheretheywereandgoonannoyingthe
bejesusoutoftheirneighbors.Thisisthetypicalrecalcitrantstreakfoundincertain
domesticatedprimatesonallplanets.

Crimesagainstpropertywereregardedasimpropereconomicsrequiringadjustment.
Thefelonwascompelledtopayinfullthevalueofthatwhichhadbeenappropriatedor
destroyed.Ifunabletopay,thefelonthenhadaliteral"debttosociety."Thegovernment
paidthevictim,andthefelonrepaidthegovernmentbyworkingathalfwagesonsome
sociallyusefulproject,suchaslongevityresearch,spaceresearch,orjustasaforest
rangerinthegrowingnumberofnationalparksthatwereappearingsinceIndustrywas
movedofftheplanetintoFreeSpace.

Crimesofviolenceweredefinedasthenatural,inevitable,tragic,butintolerable
resultantofsomecombinationofgenes,imprints,andconditioning.Thebiotswho
committedsuchactsweresent,withoutcondemnationbutirrevocably,toHell.

HellhadpreviouslybeenthestateofMississippi.Aftertheaborigineswereresettledin
anenvironmentsuitablefortwocircuit(prehominid)primates,MississippibecameHell
bysimplysurroundingitwithalasershieldthatmadeescapeimpossible.Everything
withintheshieldwasintact.Theviolentbiotswerefreetodowhattheywanted,andthey
soonhadseveralformsoffeudalism,war,piracy,commerce,slavery,andotherearly
primateinstitutionsfunctioninginamannerthatseemednormaltothem.

ManyviolentbiotsandgenepoolsmovedtoHellvoluntarily,sinceitwastheonly
remainingpartoftheworldthatfittheirnotionsofproperprimatesociety.Amongthose
whomigratedenmasseandestablishedsizablegovernmentsorrobberbandsinHell
weretheKuKluxKlan,theBlackPanthers,theAmericanNaziParty,Hell'sAngels,and
mostofthePeople'sEcologyParty.

JohnWayne,nearlyonehundredyearsold,butlookingandfeelingaroundthirtydueto
FOREVER,andtotallycuredofallcancersbytheOrgpills,alsowenttoHell.Hewas
rumoredtobeoneoftherichestslavetradersandWarChiefsintheWesternsector.

"HELLISHEAVEN"wastheproudsloganoftheregion.

WHITELIGHT

HughCranecelebratedhisfourteenthbirthdayin1938byclimbingintothebedofthe
family'sblackmaid,SophieHage.Shehadobservedhisprecocityandwasn'tsurprised
atthetiming;andthedeeditself,shehadlearned,wasparforthesonsandthefemale
servantsofthebestfamiliesonParkAvenue.Whatwasnotnormalwasthepassion
thatenduredoverseveralmonths,andtheextenttowhichsheherselfwaspickedup
andcarriedbyit.Soontheyweresharingsecrets,justasiftheyweretrueloversand
equals,notmasterandservant.

"Nailsandglassinyourshoes?"sheaskedhimonthedaythatNazitankscrossedthe
borderintoCzechoslovakia.

"IreadaboutitinabookaboutsaintsthatIgotfromthelibraryonFortysecondStreet,"
hesaid.

"Butthat'scrazy,mon."ShewasfromHaiti.

"Butitworked,"hesaid."IsawJesus."

"YousawJesus?"

"Well,"hesaidbashfully."Thatwasn'tjustfromthenailsinmyshoes.ItwasafterI
whippedmybackwithwetropeforsixhours."

Sophiegazedathimthoughtfullyforalongtime."Whatyoutryingtodo,boy?"

"I'mlearninghowtolivewithoutfear,"hesaidsimply."Youknowmydad.He'safraidof
everythingandeverybody.Jews,Catholics,badomens,thegovernment,abroken
mirror...youknow.Ijustdon'twanttolivemylifethatway."

Sophiethoughtaboutitforthreedays.Thenshetoldhimtherewasamanheoughtto
meet.
"Whatsortofman?"heasked.

"AhighpriestofVoudon."

REDEYE

Mister,whatdoesitmeanwhenamancrashesout?
idalupinoinHighSierra,scriptbyjohnhuston

DECEMBER24,1983:

TheEye,diamondbrightandglowingwitharedinflammation,floatedintheairatthe
headofthecouchasJoeMalikreturnedtotheEuclideanflatlandatthebottomofthe
gravitywell.BloodshoteyesI'vegottobehauntedby,hethoughtbitterly,stilldealing
withthedimensionsofthetriangle.3X3x3.Nodoubtaboutit.333.Thenumberofthe
MightyDevilChoronzon,whohadafflictedDr.DeeandSirEdwardKelleyinthe
seventeenthcenturyandraisedhellforAleisterCrowleyearlierinthiscentury.
Choronzon,theLurkerattheThreshold,whodrovebackanyoccultistwhotriedtopush
openthefinaldoor,crosstheboundaryoftheunmarkedstate.Choronzon,avatarofthe
GreatLie,spiritofConstriction,protectoroftheIlluminati.

Choronzonwithahangover,tojudgebytherednessoftheeye.

"JeezthatwasgreatohhoneyahyoudollyoulovelyArabsheikhyou,"Carolwas
bubblinghappily.

ButBlakeWilliamsplowson:

"TheFreudian,ofcourse,seesmuchmoreinKrazy'sloveforIgnatz.Sadomasochism,
infact.'Li'1dollink,alwaysfetful,'Krazymutterscontentedlyaseachbrickbouncesoff
herhead.Andworse:Krazyisfemaleonlyinsomesequences.Inothersthis
remarkablefelineisindisputablymale.Herriman,thepsychoanalystwouldsuggest,had
someACDChangupswhenheconceivedthisfantasy.

"Sometimes,Professor,youremindmeofBurroughs,"Nataliesaid.

"Well,Idoadmiremuchofhiswork,especiallyTheJob..."Williamswaspleasedbythe
comparison.

"No,theotherone,theguywhowroteTarzan,EdgarRiceBurroughs."

"I?Remindyou?OfEdgarRiceBurroughs?"

"Ofsomethinghesaidonce.Hesaidthathehadalotoffunwithhisimaginationand
thatheknewinasmallwaywhatagrandtimeGodhadincreatingtheuniverse."

JoeMalikdidn'tevenbelieveinChoronzon.TheSkepticwithinhimhaddecidedthatthe
mostoperationalmodelforthoseeventswhichnaiveoccultistsattributeto"Choronzon"
wastoclassifythemassynchronicitiesactivatedbythepresenceoftheTricksterGod
archetype,intheJungiancollectiveunconscious,orLeary'sneurogeneticarchives,or
somewherebackdownthereinthethalamusorbrainstem.Toassume,evenfora
minute,thatChoronzonhadanobjectiveexistencebeyondthearchetypeinthe
unconsciouscircuitryofthecentralnervoussystemwastocollapseintoprescientific
theologyanddemonology.

But,alas,theSkepticwasonlyoneprograminsidetheMalikbiocomputer,andnotathis
bestatmomentslikethis.TheShamantapebeganrunninginitsownprogramsasthe
Skepticfadedout,andJoenoticedagainforthethousandthtimehowtheegocircuit
meldedwiththenewprogramaseasilyasithadwiththeold,sonowhe"was"Joe
MaliktheShaman,sonofathousandyearsofSufis,andifChoronzonwasreally
messingaroundhebettawatchahisass.

"It'sthatmotherfuckin'loa,"Carolsaidangrily."Wedidn'tdotheexorcismright...."

"Choronzon"wasamindconstructoftheprimatesspecializingintheEnochianversion
ofCabalisticmagick.Talkingoutoftwosidesoftheirmouthsatonce,aswastypicalof
primatemystics,theCabalistssaidthatChoronzonwastheastralembodimentofallthe
illusionsanddeceptiononTerra(especiallyalltheegotismandmalice).Theyadded
thatChoronzonwasalsoapartofthepsycheofthestudentwhichhadtobefacedand
conqueredbeforeIlluminationwascomplete.WhenaskedwhetherChoronzonwasthen
outsideorinside,theyusuallyanswered"Both."ThisreplymadenosenseatalluntilG.
SpencerBrownpublishedhisLawsofForm.

AloawasamindconstructofthoseprimateswhospecializedinSantaria,alsocalled
MagickodeChangoorVoudon.Aloa,justliketheGentry,mightonoccasionbekindly
disposed;butaguardianloawhowassetonawomantopreventherfromcopulating
(exceptwiththeprimatewhohadthroughSantariacreated/projected/contactedsaidloa)
waswellknowntobeextremelymalign,devious,fiendish,impish,devilish,andaRoyal
painintheass.Thehas,liketheGentryandthevariousCabalisticangelsanddemons,
operatedbeneaththespacetimecontinuumin"dreamtime,"wherethetrueFree
Masonscreaterealityfriezes.

AnarchetypewasamindconstructofaprimatenamedCarlJung,whospecializedin
preneurologicalpsychology.Anarchetypeexistedatthe"psychoid"level,whichwas
belowthatofindividualorcollectiveunconsciousness,wheretheorganicandthe
inorganicmeldandmergeintopsychoidmatriceswhich,ifnudgedbytheright
archetype,wouldproducearealityconstructsoastonishingthatitwouldappearlike
magickoraverystrange"coincidence."Jungcalledthesepsychoidarchetypaleffects
synchronicities.

AndMarvinGardens,cokedtothenines,isreadingonandonwithabsoluteabsorption:

Syngamyformsazygote,whichdevelopsintoanewdiploidform,andthecyclebegins
anew

Cyclesthat'sit,hethinksexcitedly,we'reallpermutationsandcombinationsofthatfirst
amoebaeveryejaculationanotherbirthdeathornodeintheeverybranching
whatchamacallit.OhmanthisisheavyandI'mreallygroovingwithitcyclesintimegreat
wheelsturningliketheMayancalendarthegeneticclocklikemusicbutohshitmaybe
it'sjustthecokeIstillhaven'tfiguredoutifthedamnamoebaisimmortal.

ButMalikismaintaininghiscool,albeitwithsomeeffort."Soallright,"hesaidaloud,
facingtheEyeunblinking,"areyoujusttryingtoscaremetodeath,ordoyouhavea
messageforme?"TreatallofTheminaloftyway,lestTheyhavecausetothinkthee
weak,saidDr.Dee.

"Webetterdotheexorcismagain,"whisperedCarolChristmasnude,golden,and
deliciousalsomaintaininghercool.

Carolhadagreatdealofexperienceatmaintaininghercool.Hercareerhadbeen
typicalofselfdirectedUnistatfemaleswhomaturedintheearly1970s:onerapeatage
fifteenwhilehitchhiking(sheneverhitchhikedagain);twoabortions;husband#1,who
turnedouttobesofreeofMachoandtheMaleStereotypethatevenGod'sLightning
couldn'taccusehimofChauvinism(heweptmostpiteouslywhenCarolgottiredof
supportinghimandthrewhimout);husband#2,whowasbrilliant,kind,generous,
sensitive,andajunky;asuccessionofmediocrelovers,withoneortwoshestill
treasuredinmemorybutwouldn'twanttolivewithagainforalltheteainAcapulco;
producerswhobelievedthatanactressasgorgeousassheshouldonlybecastinroles
thatjustifiedgettingallherclothesoffsometimeduringthethirdactandseveraltimesin
theirprivateoffices;husband#3,whohadputthegoddamnedloaonherwhenthey
separated;andRonnie

"Ronnieisdoingverywellforaspecialchild,"thedoctorhadtoldherthelasttimeshe
visitedthehome.ThatwasahellofanelaborateeuphemismforMongolianidiot,she
thoughtangrily;butthedoctorwastryingtobekind,andsheforgavehim.

ButtwonightslatersheopenedinanotherOffOffOffBroadway,HiroshimaWerewolf,
andonecriticdescribedherashaving"aspecialchildlikequalityreminiscentof
Monroe."Shefeltawaveofvertigoonreadingthat:Ifthedoctorandthecriticwerenot
incahootstodriveherovertheedge,thenthosewordswerethemostsinisterkindof
synchronicity.Butshemaintainedhercool.

Nowshehadagoddamnedloaontopofeverythingelse.

Shemaintained.

AndJustinCase,deeperasleep,dapperasloop,wasjustwaltzingalongOwld
BroadwaywithJudgeWishingdone,pastPunkerHall,andtherewasapatchyfogand
azoocityzoo,onenixsonandavegetable.Andhewasblowintoadamsandtillingthe
tyler,DonJudgeLincoln,mercurialandzanyandhoppy,thathighonthethighangleof
him,cruisingthedollarwarsandemanstirpatinghissklavsuntilhewascaughtwith
Topsy!inthebarn!!onthefarceofyoulie!!!Nomartha!that'sjokeson'sguileforyou,
toomsayer.

Buttheywereinthecherrytreeattricwarld,anhonestape,hecouldnatellaphone.One
nukiedindividual,withMainhergurdjefandPopintheeasel,totherepublicforwitch's
hands,bytheDonzerlyLight.AndwhocomesupbutIndrarambamandRashowsunnier
andShivabull,loadsandtoadsofthem,fortyofthem,withtheirfordsandhordsand
theirgauchosandcheekosandjumbosandharpoonsinem(corpuswhalem!)asking
aboutthelaunchesanddonorsandthethousandandninetythingstheyask,irkingand
rookingandsnooping,pryingandpreying,fortyofthem,allbuyerscotter,infernal
reaminyousodage,doubt'seternalfact,byallChinatownhowdials.

JustinmoansinhissleepastheIranianRastuysShiitescloseinonhim.

"PapaLegba,PapaLegba,PapaLegba,"JoeMalikchantsalongwithCarolChristmas,
whiletheastral/electrical/prajna/orgone/psionic/bioplasmic/odyleenergy,orthePower
ofImagination,intheroomcontinuestoescalatetowardquantumwobble.

PapaLegbawastheOpenerofthewindow,accordingtotheSantariametaphor.Like
Maxwell'sDemon,hecouldincreaseordecreaseentropyatwhim,andtakeyouinto
alternativeetgenstates.HewastheBossHonchoontheastralpotentialevel,thealpha
maleofthepack.He'dkicktheassofanyloaintrudingonhisgoodfriends,andCarol
hadlearnedtobeoneofhisverygoodfriendssincelivingwithHugodeNaranja.

JoeMalikdidn'tknowfromPapaLegba,butheunderstoodtheexorcisminhisown
terms.PapaLegbawastheguiseinwhichThoth,thatmasterQuickChangeArtist,
appearedintheSantariaorVoudongame.JoeknewaboutThothfromHagbardCeline,
whoalwaysemployedtheCabalistic/GoldenDawnmetaprogramswhenattempting
quantumalterationsinthefabricofreality.Thothcommanderedseventyeightservitors,
eachoneencodedinhisBookofSignalstomankind,ordinarilyknownastheTarot
deck.EachTarotcardwassynchronisticwithadifferentquantumeigenvalueandthe
arrangementofthecards,whenshuffledatrandom,revealedtheHiddenVariable
causingthe"acausal"quantumjumptothenextrealitymesh.

MaliktheSkeptictendedtoregardthatexplanationaspseudoscientificbalderdash,but
MaliktheShamanfounditusefulasaworkinghypothesiswhencritterslikeChronozon
wentbumpinthenight.

"ZenoofEliasontheotherhandmydearremindsusthatbeforethebrickcaneverhit
KrazyitmustfirsttravelhalfofthedistancefromIgnatz'spawtoKrazy'shead,but
beforeitcandothatitmustcoverhalfofthatdistancethatistosayaquarterofthe
originaldistance..."

THEFETUSPEOPLE

JohnDiskhadoriginallybecomeinvolvedinmoralityandideologyduetotheFetus
People,asPussycatgeniallylabeledtheantiabortionmovementofthe1970s.TheFetus
Peopledidnotlikethisdescription;theycalledthemselvestheRighttoLifeCommittee.

Diskwasinhisteensthenandhadtheusualhormonesflowingthroughhisadolescent
primatebody.Hethoughthewascontinuallytormentedbysinfuldesires,not
understandingtheroleoftestosteroneinpubescentprimates.

HewasamemberoftheTrueRomanCatholicChurch,asplintergroupformedafter
VaticanIIhadtakenthemainbodyoftheRomishreligionoffintoheresyand
modernism.ThemembersweresurvivorsoftheIrishAmericanfascismthathadonce
ralliedbehindFatherCoughlin,FatherFeeney,andSenatorJoeMcCarthy.They
regardedtheEnglishMassasbeingalmostassacrilegiousasabortionandSocial
SecurityasonlyonestepfromStalinism.

TheFetusPeopleortheRighttoLifeCommitteewasanamalgamationofTrueRoman
CatholicswiththekindofFundamentalistsProtestantsseldomseennorthofBadAss,
Texas.Theywere,likeallprimateideologistsandmoralists,chieflyconcernedwith
findingnogoodshitsanddumpingonthem.

Theybelievedtheabortionistswereinleaguewithalltheothernogoodshits,including
theRockefellers,theinternationalCommunistsexeducators,lifeextensionresearchers,
cattlemutilators,NASA,andtheintergalacticBlackMagiciansoftheIlluminati,under
theleadershipoftheinfamousCagliostrotheGreat.

TheyalsobelievedthattheUnistatgovernmenthadneverwagedanunjustwar,thatthe
hairoftheseventhsonofaseventhsoncureswarts,andmostofwhattheyreadin
Reader'sDigest.

By1982thelegalstrugglesoverabortionwereoverandthewholeissueseemedas
remoteastheWaroftheRoses.Thiswasbecausea100percenteffectivemorning
aftercontraceptivehadbeenonthemarketsince1980andhadprovensoeffectivethat
requestsforabortionshaddwindledtovirtuallyzero.

By1983theeconomicdemandforabortionswasaboutasmicroscopicasthedemand
forbuggywhipsin1923,aftereverytowninUnistathadswitchedfromhorsedrawn
carriagestoautomobiles.Anotherquantumjumpinsociologyhadoccurred.

Actually,themorningafterpillwasachemicalabortifacient,asanybiochemistknew.
Thebiochemistsnevertalkedaboutthisinpublic,sincetheywereallagnosticliberals
anditwasagainsttheirprinciplestoeitherliebydenyingthefactsortohelptheFetus
Peoplebytellingthetruth.

AsaresultofthispolicybythebiochemistsonlyahandfuloftheFetusPeopleturned
theirattackagainstthepillwhenabortionwasnolongeraliveissue.Sincetheresultant
ofthemorningafterpillwas,tothehumaneye,nodifferentfromordinarymenstruation,
opposingthisseemedexceedinglyeccentricevenforFetusPeople.

ThemajorityoftheFetusPeople,deprivedoftheir.raisond'etre,begansplitting
amoebalikeintofactionsandsubfactions.

Somefewofthem,whohadreallybeenconcernedwiththerightsoftheunborn,
becameconcernedatlastwiththerightsofthebornandlaunchednewgroupsto
opposethesurvivingvestigesofwar,capitalpunishment,orpovertyinbackwardparts
oftheplanet.

Themajority,whohadbeenmainlypreoccupiedwithfindingnogoodshitsanddumping
onthem,joinedorganizationslikeNOODLE(NationalOrganizationOrganizedfor
DecentLiteratureandEntertainment)ortheFirstBankofReligiosophy.

JohnDiskdriftedintoWhiteHeroesOpposingRedExtremism,agroupmostly
concernedwithcombatingparapsychology,psychics,UFOdemons,sexeducators,
cattlemutilators,and,ofcourse,theloathsomeCagliostrotheGreat.

ROSENFELTHASDESTROYEDME

In1941theCarterBrothersCarnivalplayedXenia,Ohio,andsomestudentsfrom
AntiochCollegetriedtothrowCagliostroawhammywithadragonheadedJapanese
condom.Hishandlingofthatchallengearousedtheadmirationandaweofoldcarny
hands;andtheywereevenmoreamazedbyhisfriendshipwithRambo,thelion.

Sandoz,theliontamer,inparticular,wasastonishedatCagliostro'sabilitytositfor
hoursinthecage,heandthelionstaringintoeachother'seyeslikelovers.

"Areyouhypnotizinghim?"Sandozaskedonce.

"Notatall,"Cagliostrosaid,laughing."He'shypnotizingme.Ormaybewe'rejust
learningtogetoutsideourownskins.That'swhatlifeisallabout,youknowmaking
windows,breakingoutofeverybox..."

ThefailureofthestudentstoshakeupCagliostroledafewprofessorstocomeoverand
tryvariousscientificdevicesnotlikelytobeincludedinanystandardverbalcode.He
placidlyidentifiedrheostats,Wheatstonebridges,pHmeters,Bunsenburners,andeven
agyroscope.Thenextnighttheywerebackwithachemicalformulaneverbefore
synthesized.

"AreyoupresentlyabletoseetheparticularobjectthatIhavebeengivenatthistime?"
thegirlasked.

AndtheblindfoldedCagliostrorepliedcalmly,"Atesttube.Withsomeblueliquidinit.A
coppersulphatecompound."

"That'sadamnedgoodcode,"theprofessorsagreed,moreferventlythistime,asthey
drovebacktoAntioch.

(There'snohopeofsalvaginganythingthesuicidenotehadsaidandyou'regoingto
havetomakeitonyourown,justlikeIdid.Rosenfelthasdestroyedmeandhe'lldestroy
freeenterprise.)

ThecarnivalwasinBiloxi,Mississippi,thatwinter,andCagliostrowastryinghisnewgig,
combiningHoudinistyleescapeswithhismentalismact.Hehadbeenlockedinatrunk,
andthelocalpolicecooperativelyusedtheirbestpadlockstosecurethechains.He
settleddowntoslow,regularyogabreathingtheescapeactuallytookonlyafew
minutes,buthewasfollowingHoudini'sformulathattheaudiencewasmoreimpressed
iftheyhadtowaitahalfhourforthemiracle.Theyogaconservedtheoxygeninthe
trunkagainstanypossibilitythatpanic,towardtheend,mightforcehimintorapid
breathing.HetimedthebreathsagainstaslowAUMMMMMM,hisminddriftedbackto
ParkAvenueandablackmaidwhoseframedpictureofaCatholiclookingJesus
sometimesincertainlightsseemedtohavehorns,andherelaxedhishandsandfeet
(therecanbenomuscletensioninthetorsoiftheextremitiesaretotallylimp),bringing
herfacebackclearly,andheheardavoiceshouting,"We'reatwar!TheJapanesewent
andbombedsomeplacecalledPearlHarborinHonolulu!"

CagliostrowasalwayscarryingaroundabookcalledHomoLudensinthosedays.

"Isthataboutfaggots?"Sandozaskedhimonce.

Cagliostrolaughed."No,"hesaid."It'sLatin.Itmeans...uh,youknowit'shardto
translate...MantheGamePlayer,Isuppose."

Sandozgrinned."Youcanlearnallaboutthatjustbywatchingthemarks,"hesaid."I
beenacarnydamnneartwentyyearsnowandIswearfromthethingsIseen,youcould
sitdownwithablackjacktableandasignsayingTHISGAMEISCROOKED,'andhalf
themarkswouldstillsitdownoppositeyouandtrytobeatyou.Amarkwantstolose,"
heconcludedprofoundly,almostwithanger.
"No,"Cagliostrosaid."Themarkwantstobehypnotized.Hewantstoentertheworldof
magic,withmirrorsandbluesmokeandshiftingshapes,andhe'swillingtobeswindled,
justtohaveaglimpseofthatworld."

"Isthatwhatthatbooksays?"Sandozasked.

"Moreorless,"Cagliostrosaid."Insociologicaljargon."

JUMPEDBYJESUS

DECEMBER24,1983:

MaryMargaretWildebloodstillcouldn'tgettosleep,andTheSearchfortheHistorical
Vladwaspishposh.Shegotoutofbedandpaddedovertothedesktoglanceatthe
latestvolumesthathadarrivedforreview.

FROMCALIGARITOVLAD

AnotherpretentiousvolumeofneoFreudianfilmcriticismbyGeorgeDorn,obviously
cashinginonthecurrentfad.Rot.

THERADICALEPISTEMOLOGY

OFSMOKEYSTOVER

Hmm?MarshallMcLuhanagain.Tryapage:

andtheNotarySojacsign,communicatingmuchbyitsveryinscrutability,isnot
alphabeticalbutideogrammic,bringingtribalmysterytotheelectroniccontinuum,just
asChiefCashU.Nutt,trueshamanthatheis

Fiddlefaddle.Whatelsehavewegot?
INTHECASTLEOFVLAD

SomebodyelserippingoffMarvinGardens.

CONTEMPORARIESOFVLAD

Ismellafadinthemaking.

PATTERNSOFFASCISTART

Who'sbeingdissected?Wagner,Pound,Celine,Riefenstahl,Vonnegut...Vonnegut?
Oh:It'sbyKateMillett.

JACKIEDIDIT!

ThelatestKennedyassassinationexpose.Bosh.

IAWAITHISRETURN

Bywho?RebeccaGoodman.Didn'tshewritethatanthropologybookafewyearsback,
GoldenApplesofsomething?Whatthistime?Hm.Hadherhusbandcryonicallyfrozen
atdeath.Hm.

Well,let'ssee.Millett,Iguess.

Beneaththeveneerofchicliberalism,Vonnegut'ssexistprejudicerevealshmskipabit
refusaltorecognizedialecticofcapitalistblahblahblahareallysinisternoteenterswith
thechauvinistcaricatureofMontanaWildstackblahblahbeneaththesentimentalitya
ruthlessdeterminationtosubjugateandhumiliatewomen

MaryMargaretrealizedthatshewasgettinghornyagain;anyreferencetosubjugation
andhumiliationwaslikelytotriggerthatresponseinher.Shestealthilyremovedthe
vibratorfromthebureaudraweragain,climbedbackintobedwithPatternsofFascist
Art,andthenrememberedalittlebitofhashishleftinthelivingroom.
"Perhapsadiagramwouldhelp,"BlakeWilliamssaid,gettingasketchpadanddrawing
rapidly:

"Thisisordinarycausality,asweusuallyexperienceit,"hesaid,asNataliestifleda
yawn."AcausesB,whichcausesC,andsoon.IgotoWildeblood'spartyatA,and
meetyou,andwecomeheretoB,andwediscussKrazyKatatC,whichleadsto
Schrdinger'sCatatD.Gotit?"

"Yeah,theGutenbergfix;thelinearmode,asMcLuhancallsit...."

"Rightyouare.Nowquantumcausality,beforetheappearanceoftheepiphenomenaof
spaceandtime,functionsentirelydifferentlyifwetrustBell'sTheorem.Itlooksmorelike
this."AndWilliamssketchesrapidly:

"A'causes'B,C,D,andE,butBalso'causes'A,C,D,andE,andC'causes'A,B,D,
andE...andsoon.Gotit...?Allbeforetheappearanceofthespacetimemanifold."

"Youmeanitworkseverywhichwayintime..."

"No,ithappensbeforetimeitselfappearsalongwithspaceasabyproductofthe
quantummesh...."

BrrrzzzzzzmmmmbrzthevibratorpurrsalongasMaryMargaretsurrendersagainto
Him(toHim!)startingtocomposeapoemalmost"CrushmeinyourDionysianbiceps,
JesusLord"butthatwasperhapsabittooHopkinsandtherealityofitwasbeyond
poetry(heresy:shecouldneveradmitthatinliterarycircles)butthethrustandthepurr
andtheagonyandtheecstasyofitLordLordlord

becauseshewasrememberinganoldSufiproverbaboutthethreestagesofthePath
whichwere"Lord,useme"andthen"Lord,usemebutdon'tbreakme"andthen"Lord,I
don'tcareifyoubreakme"

andHewasbreakinghersmashingherannihilatinghertheGreatMagicianoftheTarot
nakedonthebedasSHerammedhircockuphisass

IAMCONFUSED

Tobeistoberelated.
cassiuskeyser,ThinkingAboutThinking

DECEMBER24,1983:

"Sothatthebricknevermoves,logically,"Williamssays.

"YeahIhadthatinaclassattheNewSchool,'ParadoxandPersonality,'it'sbasedon
youknowRelativisticEgoTherapy,we'reallEmpedocleanconceptsinsocialtopology."
NatalieactuallyhadreceivedanAforthecourse.

"InterritorialtopologymydearIuminventedRelativisticEgoTherapy,"Williamssays,
meaning:Icreatedthecourse.

"You'rethatProfessorWilliamsmyGodyou'refamousatthenewSchool."Nataliewas
impressed.

"AndatEsalenumyesmydearbuttotheworldatlarge"Williamsdemurs.

"ThankGodI'manatheist,"JoeMaliksaidfervently."IfIconsideredforevenamoment
forevenamicrosecondthatthepretenseofademonmightbefunctionallyequivalentto
thepresenceofademon...Justchangethettoans..."

ButMarvinabandonstheBritannica(neverfindwhatyoureallywantinthere)and
undressingforbedfumblesattheradioforsomethingbearable,onlytohear

I'minlovewithVladtheImpaler
WithHitlerandNixonandAhabtheWhaler

Hequicklyturnsthedial(afteramomentofprideatnewwonfameandwincingatthe
cacophonyofTheCivicMonster),findingaclassicalstationtheendoftheNinthall
thoseheavenlychoirssingringingingattheOmegaPointoveracenturybeforescience
discoveredit(alwaysreadNietzscheandlistentoLudwig,wasoneofhisadages,for
thelongrangeevolutionaryperspective),popsadownertotaketheedgeoffthecoke
jittersbeforetheycome,andslipsunderthecoversrememberingLinda'smouthtwo
inchesfourinchessixinchesninegoddamnedinchesgorgeoussplatsplatsplatalways
splittingbutalwaysone,isitreally?asLudwiganswersyesIwillyes

Ineverdiedsaidhe

"Butthecrowninginsulttooursimplemindedrealismcomes,ofcourse,fromourfriends
thephysicists,"Williamsexplains."IfKrazyisSchrdinger'sCatinthefamous
demonstrationthenmydearthenwearereallyuptheontologicalcreekwithoutapaddle
becausewhenthebrickishurledshemaybeinanyofseveraletgenstates,several
mathematicalprobabilitymatrices,insomeofwhichthebrickwillcertainlyhitherandin
someofwhichitwillnot."

"Oh,wow."

"Wow,indeed.ToparaphraseDescartes:Tthink;therefore,Iamconfused.'"

ESCAPISM

ThefirstfameofCagliostrobeganwhilehewastouringwiththeU.S.O.duringthewar.
Hehadentirelyabandonedmentalismbythenandhisactdependedentirelyon
escapingfromeverythingtheM.P.'scoulddevisetorestrainhim.

Varietycalledhim"thenewHoudini"in1945,justafewmonthsbeforeHiroshima.

Hisfirstarrestoccurredinthefallofthatyear,possessionofmarijuana,thecharges
dismissedwithoutatrial.(Hisagent'sconnections,theCranefamilylawyer,thefactthat
theCranefortunehadnotbeenwipedoutentirelywhenORGASMORdroppedtothe
bottomoftheBigBoard,andjudiciousoilingofwhatShowBizandunderworldpeople
call"tinmittens"officialsonthetakecontributedtothishappyconsummation.)Hewas
oneofthefirstguestsonTheEdSullivanShow,butwasneveraskedtoreturnduetoa
1948"morals"arrest:thegirlwasquiteyoungandan"actagainstnature"wasalleged.
Onceagain,moneychangedhandsandtherewasnotrial.

Hiscareerwasmostly"intheclubs"afterthat;HollywoodandTVwerebothinoneof
theirchroniccontractionsofcowardiceattheendofthedecade.

Asecondmoralsarrest,followedrapidlybyasecondpotbust,madehimalittletoohot
formostclubowners.Stillthecrowdsturnedoutwhereverheappeared.Themob
decidedtosetimmediatemoneyagainstcaution,andhewasallowedtogoonworking.
UntilhisdisastrousappearancebeforetheHouseUnAmericanActivitiesCommitteein
1950.

"You'renotaCommunist,youhardlyknowanyCommunists,youcouldhavesunglikea
birdwithouthurtingyourself,"hisagentsaidafterward."Whydidyouhavetodoit,
baby?"

"Listen,"Cranesaidangrily."DoyouthinkIcangetoutofaruckingsetofJuniorGMan
handcuffsifIletonesinglejotoffeargetintomyhead?Youdon'tunderstand.Ican'tlet
anythingscaremeespeciallynotshitheadslikethem."

"It'syourownfuneral,"theagentrepliedglumly."I'lltellyoutheplainandvarnished
facts.You'regonnaenduplikeChaplin.Twosexscandals,twodrugscandals,andnow
this.You'regonnaendupworsethanChaplin.You'reboxofficepoison,baby.Fromthis
dayforward."

THEHEADREVOLUTION

GALACTICARCHIVES:
AlthoughtheHEADRevolutiontransformedtheTerranprimatesatthetimeofthis
ancientRomance,nobodyknowswhenitactuallybegan.Sometraceittocertain
AlchemicalcultsoftheearlyDarkAges;somesayitdidnotproperlystartasan
organizedmovementuntilneuropharmacologybegantoreplaceoldfashioned
"psychology"inthelateDarkAges(i.e.,justbeforethetimeofthisepicnovel);sometry
tofinditsoriginsinprimitiveshamanismandyoga.

WhatisclearisthatsomeprimatesonTerrabegantotranscendgeneticfourcircuit
limitationsmanycenturies,orevenmillennia,beforetrueneuroscienceappearedamong
them.Whetherthiswasduetomutation,empiricalhitormissexperimentationwith
alkaloidherbs,orotherfactorsisunknown.InEgyptandChinaandotherplaces,afew
primatesreportedfifthcircuitrapturesthedawningofneurosomaticconsciousnesstwo
thousandoreventhreethousandyearsbeforetheSpaceAgebegan.

Thepictureisthesameonallplanets.Afewbiotssuddenlyriseabovetheeatitorflee
itimprintsoftheamphibianbiosurvivalcircuit,abovethedominateorsubmitimprintsof
themammalianterritorialemotionalcircuit,abovetheeither/orlogicofthehominid
semanticcircuit,abovethe"good"and"bad"valuesofthetribalsociosexualcircuit.
Theyhavetranscendedinfantilefeedingprograms,childishemotionalprograms,
adolescentphilosophizing,andadult"responsibility"(packrole)allatonce.

Whathashappened,ofcourse,isthatthesebiotshaveformedafifthcircuitintheir
brains.Thisiscalledtheneurosomaticcircuitbecauseitallowsconsciousfeedback
betweenthenervoussystem("mind,"inprescientificprimatelanguage)andthesoma
("body").InthelarvalstagesofthisHedonicRevolution,everyplanetexhibitsthesame
monotonouspattern:

Mysticismandmonomaniaappear.Manyofthemutatedbiotsbecomeconvincedthat
theycontroleverything(the"IamGod"syndrome),notrealizingthattheymerelycontrol
theirownperceptualfield.

"Miraclehealings"arereported.Theneurosomatic("mindbody")feedbackloopallows
themutantbiotstobecomehealthier,youngerlooking,andsleeker("handsomer")than
average.Theysoonbelieve,andareencouragedbytheiradmirerstoneverdoubt,that
theycan"cure"anything.
Neurosomaticintoleranceappears.Themutatedbiotsgrowannoyed,andbecome
extremelycriticalabout,therobotmechanismsoffirstcircuitapproachavoidance,
secondcircuitdominationsubmission,thirdcircuiteitherorlogic,andstaticfourth
circuitsexroles.Theycalloneverybodytofloatfreelikethemselves,orlikethewind.

Theotherbiotsusuallydeclarethesefivecircuitmutantstobedivine,orelsetheykill
them.Sometimestheydoboth.

TheconditionwasjustbecomingunderstoodonTerraatthetimeofthisQuantum
Comedy,asneuropharmacologistsslowlytracedthelinksbetweenneurochemistryand
thecreationofperceivedrealitytunnels.

GRAPEFRUITTHROUGHTHENIGHT

AnyonewithI'sintheirhoodcouldseeitwasatightcityationthereonbongerhowl,one
nationunderguard,asCasetossesinthemidstofthenightmare,allofthemwhooping
itoopwiththeirtommyhawkfansandtheirmoodydecksandtheirscoldedlitters,one
nationinadirigible.

Fortyofthemwithtownfeathers,raisingcoinasmuchastheywereable,insidious
rapaciousseditious,withtheirstarsbangledbangersandtheramrodswewelshed,
throughthenoxwiththeloxfromabulb,tillthegirlwithcolitisgoesby,andCasereally
saddlinghardintoitandglowingcoolishalongwithitandhooverindeeperanddotter
intodoubtaboutit,pushingaheadwiththeirdesotosandpontiacsthere."Buyall
Chimatonghighdeals,"theysang.

ItwastheGuylumBardotortheBardotTheodialorifnotitwasthevectormoaning
there,allsingingOatumbombOadumbumveegreensendunumblather.Thevery
muddleofamodelmotelteaparty:Immolaton,Resurrection,Sewandsow.

AndJustinCaseawoke.
Justanightmare,justanightmare...Indiansauditinghisincometaxandallthat,
fadingnow,onlyatraumahouse,oradrama,yes,fadern.

Justinsatupandturnedonthelight.

Hisfirstthoughtwasthathewasonlydreamingthathehadawakened.

For,atthefootofhisbed,therestoodalittlegreenmaninaminiatureNASAspacesuit.

"IamApollonofMars,"hesaid."Comewithmeatonce."

THEREISNOGOVERNORANYWHERE

HughCraneservedhiscontemptofCongresssentenceatLewisburgFederal
Penitentiary,the"gentleman'sclub"astheMafcallsit,wherethegovernment
incarceratesthoseritzyfelonswhoarenotlikelytoshivaguardorclimbawall.

HeworkedinthelibrarywithAlgerHiss.Theybothwatchedthefamous"Checkers"
speechontheTVintherecroom.Thiswasamasterpieceofprimateoratoryinwhicha
vicepresidentialcandidatenamedRichardNixonarguedthathugesumsofmoney
giventohimbyvariousbusinessmenwerenotintendedasbribesandwerenot
expectedtoresultinreciprocalfavorsonhispart.

"Asanoldcarnyman,"Mr.HissaskedMr.Crane,"whatdoyouthinkofthat
performance?"

"Thedogshtikwasverygood,"Cranesaidprofessionally."ButheleftoutMother."

AnotherdistinguishedguestatLewisburgthatyearwastheagingIdahopoetandfolk
singerEzraPound,whowasalsoinforUnAmericanActivities.HeandCranenevergot
alongwell,becausePound,whohadseldombeenoutsideIdaho,distrustedall
easterners.

Craneperformedyogaexerciseseverydayinhiscell.TheIlluminati,ofcourse,
subsequentlyscannedthenoteshekeptontheseneurophysiologicalexperiments.The
mostinterestingitemswerethefollowing:

April23,1952IthelpsifyouidentifyeachletterofAUMwithoneofthethreegodsofthe
Hindutrinity.AisBrahm,theCreator:letitexplodeupwardfromthediaphragm,likethe
bigbangofcreationitself.UisVishnu,thePreserver:holditsolongthatitvibrates,like
therhythmoflife,theBigBeatofBeethoven'sSeventh.MisShiva,theDestroyer:close
thelipsinadecisivebiteof"Thisisthewaytheworldends"asyouenterthesilence.

May1,1952Today,unexpectedly,puredhyana.ItwassomuchsimplerthanIever
guessed,anditisobviouslyamatterofpractice.Nowondertheyogissaythatit's
dangeroustodothiswithoutaguru:Iamnobetterorworse,morally,andnowiseror
more"spiritual."Repetitionisthewholekey.Forcethenervesandmusclesandglands,
forcethemdayafterday,andithappens.Thechieffunctionoftheguruistoensurethat
youdon'ttakeadvantageofthenewfreedomtooquicklyandgetyourselfintroublewith
theauthorities.Thegurudoesn'thelpithappenatall(asthehonestonesadmit);youdo
alltheworkyourself.Thegurujustmakessurethattheraptureflowsinto"safe"
(domesticated?)channels.Withoutsuchamoralwatchdog,IamfreetodoasIbloody
please.

Ijustrealizedwhyalltherealoccultschoolsaresodamnedsecretive,whytheordinary
seekerisgivenalotofdoubletalkandejectedoutthesamedoorwhereinhecame.If
everybodycoulddothis,thewholeworldwouldbeincontinuousrevolution.*

May27,1952Anothersuccessfuldhyana.There'snothingtoit,really.Thebrain
obviouslyoperatesonthesameprincipleasthosefellowsinTheHuntingoftheSnark:
"WhatItellyouthreetimesistrue."(Threemilliontimesismoreaccurate.)Itwas
marvelousbetterthanthefirsttimeandI'llneveridentifywith"CagliostrotheGreat"or
"HughCrane"oreven"me"ortheperpendicularpronoun,everagain.

Icanseemoreandmoreclearlywhyallthisis"sealedwithsevenseals"andhidden
behindallkindsofmystification.Societyasweknowitisbasedontortureanddeath,or
thethreatoftortureanddeath.Iaminheretobetortured,althoughtheauthoritieswill
neveradmitthat.(Whattheydowithhereticsinothercountriesistorture;whatwedo
hereispenology.)Thecageexperienceisprofoundlypunishingtotheaveragehuman,
astoanyprimate;itistheformoftortureoursocietycountenances.Itisnotorturetome
onlybecauseIhavelearnedcertainneurologicalartseverystagemagicianlearns.

Butifeverybodycouldgointodhyanaatwill,nobodycouldbecontrolledbyfearof
prison,byfearofwhipsorelectroshock,byfearofdeath,even.Allexistingsocietyis
basedonkeepingthosefearsalive,tocontrolthemasses.

*TerranAchives2803:DhyanawastheSanskritname,usedbytheHindicprimates,to
describetheopeningandimprintingoftheneurosomaticcircuit.Theterm,andthe
techniquesofinducingit,becameCh'aninChinaandZeninJapan.Itwasalways
supervisedbyanalphamaleforthereasonsCranesuspected.Itrepresentsthe
dawningofpostprimateconsciousnessandtheHEADRevolution,therebyrendering
thebiotindependentoftheprimatedominancesubmissionhierarchy.

TenpeoplewhoknowwhatIknowwouldbemoredangerousthanamillionarmed
anarchists.

July23,1952Icanhardlywrite.TodayIreachedSamadhi.Itmakesdhyanalooklike
nothingbycomparison.Allmycertaintyisgone.Ishouldbeterrified,butinsteadI'm
ecstatic.Ifthisispossible,anythingispossible.*

ThesenoteswerenotpublishedwhenHughcameoutofprison.Instead,hebrought
forthabookcheerfullytitledThereisNoGovernorAnywhere,whichexplainedsomenot
allofhismagicescapes,andsetthisinthecontextofaphilosophywhichdeclared
everyindividualacreatorofhisownuniverse.Thepolemicsagainstgovernmentand
organizedreligionweretactless,tosaytheleast,foraperformerdependinguponpublic
goodwill;Cranedidnothesitatetoidentifyhisoutlookbluntlyasatheismandanarchism.

Toeverybody'ssurprise,includingCrane's,thebookbecameabestseller,andhe
becamethemostcontroversialmanintheUnitedStates.Eveninthefearfulfiftieseven
withAmericanLegionandJohnBirchchaptersconstantlyremindingeveryoneofhis
drugarrests,hissexarrests,andthedocumentedfactthatprisonauthoritieshad
delayedhisparolebecauseofhishomosexualseductionofayoungerinmateHugh
Craneacquiredanewfollowing.TVgingerlytestedhimontheeggheadghettoof
Sundayafternoon,thenpromotedhimtothelatelatetalkshows.

*TerranArchives2803:SamadhiwastheHindustaninamefortheopeningand
imprintingofthesixth(metraprogramming)circuitinthefrontallobesofthepostprimate
brain.MostofthosewhoachieveditbeforetheHEADRevolutionwerejustas
bewilderedasCraneandcouldsayonlythattheexperiencewas"ineffable."

Hemanagedtoendeveryappearancewiththewords"Thereisnogovernoranywhere;
youareallabsolutelyfree."

Andaroundthentothevocaldismayofpressandclergyaclubownerdecidedhewasa
"freak"act("They'llhatehimbutthey'llcome")andCranewasabletoworkasa
magicianagain.Thecrowdoverflowedintothestreetandmanywereturnedaway.
Cagliostrointroducedanewescape,fromaleadboxthathadbeenweldedclosedin
viewoftheaudience."Thereisnorestraintthatcannotbeescaped,"hetoldtheminan
intensetone."Weareallabsolutelyfree."

ApudgyBroadwaycolumnistnamedBennyBenedict,whowasjuststartingtogeta
following,interviewedhimthenextday."Howthehelldidyoumanagethatweldedbox
escape?"Benedictaskedbluntly.

"Iusedrealmagic,"theGreatCagliostropronounced.

"Comeoffit,"Benedictsaid.ButCagliostromerelygrinnedathimimpudently.

THEORDEALOFRHODACHIEF

WhenRhodaChiefbecamethecountry'stopRocksingerattheageofseventeenin
1958,hereducationwasvirtuallynil.Sheknewveryfewfactsandseveraldozen
factoids:thelongsideofthetriangleiscalledthehypotenuseandisequaltobothofthe
othersides,oronesidemultipliedbytheother,orsomethinglikethat;whatshehadin
herpantiescouldmakealotofmoneyifshewassmart,oralotoftroubleifshewas
dumb;ifyouspitonaneraser,itwilleraseink;Columbusdidhistripin1492,andthey
eitherstartedtherevolutionorfinisheditin1776;Lincolnfreedtheslaves;ifyouyell
loudenoughnobodycantellifyou'reonkeyoroff;we'reallgonnagetblowntohellby
thebombsoonerorlater;yellowsmakeallyourtroublesgoaway,buttheredsarethe
onestotakebeforeaconcertorarecordingsession.

Afterherabortionshelearnedenoughaboutbirthcontroltoteachacourseatthe
YWCA.Afterbeingscrewedbluedandtattooedbytworecordcompaniesinarow,she
alsolearnedenoughaboutcontractlawtoteachthatatHarvard.

HerrealeducationbeganwhenshebecamethemistressofCagliostrotheGreat.

ThefirstonetoseethewhipmarksonRhoda'sbackwasanoldfriendfromArkham
HighSchool,DorisHorus.

"Whydon'tyouleavehim?"Dorisasked.

"It'svoluntary,"Rhodasaidstonily."It'smyTrueWill."

Thescandaleventuallybecameanofficialrumor"AnightclubNostradamus,previously
involvedinothersexanddrugoffenses,istreatinghisballadbeltingsweetheartina
verysickway.ReadersofacertainFrenchmarquiswillknowwhatImean,"wasitsfirst
printedform,inthenation'smostwidelyreadgossipcolumn."You'vegotquitea
reputationasasadist,"EpiceneWildeblood,theliterarycritic,saidtoCranethevery
daythatappeared.

"Afraidtobeidentifiedwithmepublicly?"Craneasked.TheywereinWildeblood'sjet
setpad,onSuttonPlace.

"Oh,notatall,darling,"Eppypurred."HowfunnythatIshouldknowwhatyoureallyare.
Don'tI,babe?"HeliftedCrane'schinwiththetoeofhisshoe.

"Yes,master,"Cranemumbled.

"Oh,thatsoundedalittlesullen.Ithinkyou'rejustabitrebellioustoday,babe.Thatmust
bepunished."
"Yes,master,"Cranesaid,goingtotheclosetfortheropes.Afterhewasstripped,and
lyingfacedownonthebed,Eppycarefullytiedhisfourlimbstothefourbedposts.

"Youaremyslaveandyoucan'tescape,"hesaid.

"IamyourslaveandIcan'tescape,"Cranerepeated,asWildebloodmountedhim,both
ofthemperfectlyawarethathecouldsliptheknotsatanytime.

CranetookRhodatotheRainbowRoomthatnightandmadeapointofloudlyand
brutallyhumiliatingherthroughoutthemeal.Sheaccepteditall(herhundredmost
intimatefriendsandenemiesintheroomnoticedwithdisapproval),asifhehad
hypnotizedher.

Rhodaactuallytooknearlyayeartodiscoverwhatwashappeningtoher.Ithadstarted
witharoutinerollinthehay,butinthemiddleofitheliftedhertoanunusualposition.
"Whatthehellisthis?"sheasked.

"Tibetan,angel,"hesaidsoftly."Relaxandyou'llenjoyit."

Sherelaxed,anditwasthemostextraordinarysexualexperienceofherlife.Afterthat,
fortwomonths,shefollowedallofhisinstructions,withgrowingdelightandafirmbelief
thatshewasapproachingthatUltimateOrgasmtheMailerfellowwasalwayswriting
about.Then,onenight,hebroughtouttheropes.

"Now,waitaminute,"shesaid,"that'sEnglish.That'skink.GotoLondonifyouwant
that."

"Iloveyou,"hemurmured,hismouthmovingsouthacrossherbellytowardherbush;in
alittlewhile,sheagreedtotherestraints.Hetiedthemveryfirmlyandthen,toherrelief,
noweaponwasproduced.Hedidn'tevenproducehisownweapon;itwasentirelyoral.
Afterfiveorgasms,shefoundhimsittingupandlightingajoint.Inaminute,hehelditto
herownlips."Forthebigone,"hesaid.Shetokedhungrilywhilehekissedand
caressedherandmutteredendearmentsbutshecouldstillfeeltheropes.Whenthe
jointwasfinishedhefinallymountedherandgallopedintosomedimensionofspasm
shehadneverknownbefore.
"God,"shesaid,comingbacktoherself,"thatwasthebigone."Buthewasreversed
again,hismouthonhersnatch,andherheadspun.

Themilddisciplinebeganafewweekslater."Itbuildsupthecharge,"hesaid,andshe
foundthatitdid.Soonsheagreedthatstrongerdisciplinebuiltanevergreatercharge.
Whenthesadismswitchedtoapsychologicallevel,shewastoofargonetostop,living
inadarkandpulsatingcaveofecstasyandpainmillionsoflightyearsfromcommon
earth.Sheaccepteddegradation,humiliation,andthegrowingvampirismwhich
seemedcalculatedtoslowlydestroyherlastremnantsofego.

Onceortwice,sherememberedlater,shehadfeeblyprotested,"Enough,toomuch.
Please."

"No!"heshouted."We'reattheedge.We'vegottogoallthewayover."

("Yes,master,"hewouldbesayingtoEpiceneWildebloodafewhourslater,"whatever
youwish,master.")

"Youcouldhavelotsofbookings,insteadofjustworkinginpublicterlets,"hisagenttold
him."Icouldgetyouintopmoneyrooms.Peoplewouldforgetthosedrugcharges,and
thoseteenagedgirls,ifyoudidn'tkeepremindingthembybeingevenworse.Theway
youandRhodacarryoninpublic,everyonethinksyou'reakink.Andyouandthat
faggot,Wildebloodeveryonethinksyou'reatouchlavenderyourself,buddy.Whydon't
youstraightenout,forChrist'ssake?You'regoingtoendupabeggar."

(Remembering:possiblyapreviousincarnation:HesseatthestationinZurich:"The
mescaline,ja,themescalineisthegreatteacher":andCrowleyinBerlin:"Thequestion
is,whoisitthatseekstheTrueSelf?"Allsolongago,sofaraway,andRichardJung
saying,"Iamanaccountant,Idon'tbuyanyofthismysticism,"beggingonthestreet
neartheOldGranarywherePaulRevereandtheoriginalFivelieburied,Rancidthe
Butler,MamaSutra,weepingamongthecorpsesatChateauThierry."PleaseJesus
don'tletmedie,don'tletmedie...")

Theboy,whowastobecomeCagliostrotheGreat,heard"You'regoingtoendupa
beggar"andlookedbackandsawthetrampfallingtotheground,veryslowly,likethe
treehehadseenfallslowlyafterbeingchoppedbythecaretakerattheupstateCrane
countryhome.And,justlikethetree,whenhefinallyreachedthesidewalk,thetramp
didn'tmoveatall,notonebit;heevenseemedtogetstifflikethetreedid,onlyfaster.

"Onyourknees,"Cagliostrosaidsternly,andRhodaobedientlycrossedtheflooronher
knees."Askforit,"hesaid.

"Ibegyou,master,"shesaid,"tostickyourcockinsidemycuntandfuckmeandmake
mecomeagainandagainandagain.Oh,please,master."

Helitacigar,pretendingtodeliberate,andthenblewsmokeinherface."No,"hesaid."I
wantyoutosuckmeoff.Nothingatallforyoutonight."

Butafewnightslater,whenhewasontopofherandinsideher,andchantingin
Tibetan,shesuddenlythoughtshesawakindoflightaroundhisheadandtwohorns
sproutingonhistemple,andthenitwaslikeamillionballoonsburstinginsideherand
outsideheratonce,eachballoonreleasingatwinkleoflight,eachlightaspeciesof
orgasm."RhodaChief"ceasedtoexist.Eternitieslater,reenteringtime,shefoundhe
wasagainatthebottomofthebed,headbetweenherlegs,lickingferociously.She
fainted.

Hehadalargelibrarydealingwithbothstagemagicandoccultism,andRhoda
occasionallybrowsedinit.Thenextmorning,whilehewasstillasleep,shewentbackto
itandsearchedinseveralvolumesbyRosenkreuz,Therion,lambacchus,Prinn,Dee,
andKelly."TheMassoftheHolyGhost"wasvariouslydescribed,buttheRoseofRuby
wasalwaysidentifiedwithwaterandthefirstHinJHVH,theHofmotherhood.The
CrossofGoldhaddifferentmeanings,too,butwaschieflyfireandtheJofJHVH,theJ
offatherhood.BringingtheJandtheHi?together,theweddingofCrossandRose,
producedthemanifestationoftheHolyGhostintheformofaeucharist,whichwasthen
consumedbythealchemist.MyGod,shethought,theCrossishiscockandtheRoseis
mycunt;that'swhyhegoesdownonmeafterward,aswellasjustbefore,"The
eucharist,"oldPrinn'swordssaidblandly,"isbothmaleandfemale,bothlivingand
dead,bothfireandwater,andyetitscreationinvolvesnoviolationofnaturebutmerely
obediencetonature'sownlaws,togetherwiththeproperspiritualattitude."

ProfessorNosferatuofColumbia,anoldfriendofRhoda's,listenedraptlyassherecited
thewordstohim."That'snotTibetan,whateverhetoldyou,"hesaid.Herepeateditwith
correctpronunciation:"IOPANIOPANPANIOPANGENITORIOPANPHAGE.It'san
invocationofthegodPaninclassicGreek.'IoPan,IoPan,Pan.IoPanAllCreator,Io
PanAllDevourer.'"Helookedathercuriously."Youknow,I'veheardsomeratherodd
rumorsaboutyouandhim...."

"Whateveryou'veheard,"shesaidwithafaintsmile,"isprobablytrue.Iwantyoutogive
methenameofthebestshrinkyouknow.Iwantsomebodytoworkonmyheadand
helpmetostayawayfromhim."

TRADEAIDS

GALACTICARCHIVES:

AftertheRICHEconomyhadrevolutionizedthelivesandexpectationsofUnistaterson
andoffTerra,EveHubbardrealizedthatthetimewasnowripetoabolishpoverty
entirely.ShedidthisbydeclaringeverycitizenashareholderintheL5spacecitiesand
distributingNationalDividendseveryyear.

Again,Hubbard'spoliticalgeniuswasevident.Otherswhohadproposedsuchaplanin
thepast(e.g.,theengineersC.H.DouglasandR.BuckminsterFuller,theinventorTom
Edison,thesemanticistAlfredKorzybski,thephysicistFredericSoddy)hadassumed
suchdividendswouldhavetobe"money."Thisproposal,inthatform,alwaysaroused
heatedoppositionfromthealphamalesofthebankingbusiness,whounderstoodwell
thatanexpandingmoneysupplywouldlowertheinterestrate,seriouslythreatening
theirprofits.

HubbardcalledherNationalDividendtickets"tradeaids,"atermdevisedbyapublic
relationsfirmshehadcommissionedtomaketheideapalatabletodomesticated
primates.

Tradeaidswerelikemoneyonlyinthattheycouldbeexchangedforcommoditiesor
services.Theywereunlikemoneyinthattheycouldnotbeloanedatinterest;the
bankerskepttheirmonopolyontheinterestmarketandweremollified.

Tradeaidswerealsounlikemoneyinthattheycouldnotbehoarded.Eachticketwas
dated,andlostvalueat1percentpermonthaftertheissuedate,becomingtotally
valuelessinonehundredmonths,oreightyearsandfourmonths.Therewasthusa
builtinincentivetospendthetradeaidsassoonaspossible.

Whenthefirsttradeaiddividendsweredistributed,itturnedoutthateventhepoorest
Unistatcitizenshadtheequivalentof$80,000forthatyear,inpurchasingpower,even
thoughtheticketswerenotcalled"money."

Citizenswiththatmuchpurchasingpowerhavehugedemand,intheeconomicsenseof
abilitytobuy.Theeconomyexpandedmorerapidlythanever,withnewbusinesses
springingupcontinually,bothonTerraandinthespacecities.

TherestofTerrawassooncopyingtheseinnovationsthesocialistcountriesmost
slowlyandgrudgingly.By1995starvationhadbeeneliminatedeverywherejustashad
beenthegoaloftheHungerProject,startedbyaCaliforniaprimatenamedErhardback
inthe1970s.BythenHubbardhadbeenoutoftheWhiteHouseforsixyearsandbusy
againatgeneticsandlongevityresearch.Sheoftensaidtofriendsthatherwhole
politicalcareerhadbeenmerelyanexperimentinalteringtheparametersofprimate
sociobiology.

TOCROSSAGAIN

DECEMBER24,1983:

SimonMoontokedathispipe,pullingthehashdeepintohislungs,floatingwithit.

December23hadbeenahellofaday.UbuandKnightandtheotherguysfromtheFBI
hadbeenallovertheshopdemandingtoknowwhytheBeastcouldn'ttellthemany
moreaboutthemissingscientistsandwarningominouslythatPresidentLousewartwas
PersonallyConcernedandsoonandsoforth:theusualgovernmentalcraperoo.Simon
onlystayedonthejobforthesheerpleasurehegotoutofworkingwiththeBeast,
fuckingupthegovernmentfromwithin.Buteventhatpleasurewaswearingthin,andhe
hoppedasuborbitaltoNewYorkjusttobeawayfromeverythingWashingtonianforthe
holidays.

Heexhaledafogofcannabismoleculesandreturnedhisattentiontohisfavorite
bedtimereading,Brown'sLawsofForm:

Tocrossagainisnottocross.

Itmusthavebeenthehash,butsuddenlythatsimpleaxiomaticstatementwasfraught
withnewandurgentmeaning.Aknight'smoveonthewordprocessorwouldswitchFto
N,theFBItotheNBI,abolishingKnightnessintheprocess.

OnlythequantuminseparabilityprinciplewouldexplainwhyFurbishLousewartwent
awayinthesamerotation.

Simonfoundthathehadwanderedorteleportedfromthebedroomtothetoiletandwas
staringinabsorptionatthesink.Thetwohandles,onesayingHandtheotherC,
seemedtohaveenormousCabalisticmeaning,connected,perhaps,withthefactthat
JoeMalikhadbeenJoMalikbeforethecollapseofthestatevector.

Ofcourse,outofthebookexperiencesarenotyetrecognizedbyorthodoxscience.The
parapsychologistswhodaretospeculateaboutsuchthingsarerituallytornasunderand
dismemberedbyMarvinGardensinthebackpagesoftheScientificAmerican.Still,this
doesnotdiscourageSimonMoon,whois,afterall,acloseassociateoftheBeastand
hiptotheprogrammer'stradesecretthatallthatexistsisinformation:everythingelseis
mammaliansenseimpressionandthushallucinatory.Besides,Simonisdoingitright
now:andcanseeinoneinstant,inthetwinklingofaneye,thetotalcontentsofthe
novel,amiracleofmicrominiaturizationinthefrontallobes,asthemetaprogramming
circuitclicksintoaction.

ThenovelwascalledTheUniverseNextDoor.Itexistedwasboughtandsoldand
loanedinasupercontinuumcalledtheUnitedStatesofAmerica,whichwasUnistat
enlargedintootherdimensions.

Everythinginthenovelwasinevitable,aseverythinginthesupercontinuumcontaining
thenovelwasinevitable.

EverythingthathappenedinUnistathadtohappen,aseverythingintheUnitedStates
ofAmericahadtohappen.

Thatwhichwasabovewaspreciselyreflectedinthatwhichwasbelow.

Tocrossagainwasnottocross.

"Soallright,"JoeMaliksaid,staringatSimonthroughatriangle,"areyoujusttryingto
scaremetodeathordoyouhaveamessageforme?"

SimonwasonthebalconyofMaryMargaretWildeblood'sapartmentagainand
somebodywasstaringoutathiminhorror."MyGod,it'sBigfoot!"

Simonreenteredtheform,andcontemplatedit.

CivilizationwasdestroyedbynuclearholocaustinMay1984becauseFurbish
LousewartwasacertainkindofmanandFranklinDelanoRooseveltStuartwasa
certainotherkindofman;andtheywerewhattheywerebecauseofgeneticprograms
andaccidentalimprintsandconditioningandsomelearning,andbecauseofthesociety
aroundthem;andthatsocietywastheresultantofvariousconflictinghistoricaland
neurogeneticcauses;andLousewartbecamePresidentbecauseofathousandother
factors,onlyoneofwhich,theaccidentatThreeMileIslandin1979,wasitselfthe
resultantofthousandsoffactors,includingtheusualstrugglesbetweentheengineers
andthefinanciers;andtoexplainStuartyouwouldhavetostartwiththeinstitutionof
slaverysixthousandyearsearlier;and...

Everythinginthenovelwasinevitable,aseverythinginthesupercontinuumcontaining
thenovelwasinevitable.

AndyetSimonhadescapedfromthenovel.
AlthoughnotamemberoftheWarrenBelchSociety,SimonMoonwas,ofcourse,
awareofthetheorythattherewasauniversesomewhereinwhichBacon'smajorworks
werestillattributedtosomebodyelse.Simon,naturally,wasnotimaginativeenoughto
conceivethatinthatuniverseBaconhaddiedofpneumoniawhileconducting
experimentsinrefrigeration.InSimon'susualuniverse,theauthorofNovumOrganum,
TheNewAtlantis,KingLear,etc.,hadlivedontodiscovertheinversesquarelawof
gravitation,andIsaacNewtonwasrememberedonlyasasomewhateccentric
astrologer.

Inanothernovel,midwaybetweentheolduniverseandthenew,Simonhimselfhad
beenshotdeadbyaChicagocopduringtheDemocraticConventionof1968.Over
there,BaconhadbeenboldenoughtoadmitpubliclyhishighrankintheInvisible
College(Illuminati)andhadbeenbeheadedbyJamesIforheresy.Inthatuniverse,not
justcivilization,butalllifeonTerra,cametoaveryhideousendin1984,becausethe
Presidentwasconstipatedonedayandmadethewrongdecision.Theirtechnologywas
soadvancedthathalfthesolarsystemwentnovaalongwithEarth.

InthenextuniverseSimonexplored,weweresavedbecausearedhairedTantric
EngineernamedBabsLashtalgavethePrezafirstclassGradeAblowjobintheOval
Roomat10A.M.,relaxedhistensemuscles,pacifiedhisglands,soothedhis
frustrations,andinspiredhimtoactrelativelysanefortherestoftheday.Hedidnot
pushthebutton,therebypreservingmillionsofspeciesoflivingformsonEarthand
thousandsofmicroscopicspeciesonVenus.

BabsLashtal,ofcourse,wasregardedwithcontemptbyallrightthinkingpeople,who
hadnoideathattheyowedtheirlivestoherskillfulextractionofpresidential
spermatozoabymeansoftender,gentle,gracefullyrhythmickissing,licking,and
suckingofthepresidentialwand.

Eveniftheyhadknownaboutit,therightthinkingpeoplewouldstillsayBabsshouldbe
ashamedofherself.

Thewholenovelwasratherdidactic,Simondecided.Itwaswrittenonlytoproveapoint:
Neverunderestimatetheimportanceofablowjob.Ithadbeennecessarytowritesuch
anovelbecausethepeopleoverthereweresoignorantandsuperstitioustheystill
calledTantricEngineers"whores"andotherdegradingnames.
Everyuniverseisinevitable;butthereareasmanyuniversesasthereareprobability
matrices.TheMetaprogrammerchooseswhichuniversehewillenter.

Thereisalovethatbindsitalltogether,andthatloveisexpressedinprimatelanguage
astheloveofaparentforachild,soSimonwasnotsurprisedtofindTimMoon
pervadingeverything,oratleastakindofcontinuousTimMoonpotentialthatcouldbe
encodedagaininanotherbookorthatcouldremainlatentforlongtimes,vaguely
permeatingeverybook.TherewerehundredsofthousandsofotherWobsthere,Frank
LittleandJoeHillandPatMurfinandNealRestandBigBillHeywoodandtheywereall
singinglikeanoutlawHallelujahChorus:

Thoughcowardscringeandtraitorssneer
We'llkeeptheBlackFlagflyinghere

andDadhimselfspoketome,Iswearit,saying,"Justtellthemthis,son:Capitalismis
stillnothingbutashitsandwich.Themorebreadyouhave,thelessshityou'vegotto
eat,andthelessbreadyouhave,themoreshityou'vegottoeat.Tellthemall."Andyet
thatseemstomarktheexperienceasbraingenerated:thestyleisSimonpwernotTim
patereveniftheideaismostcertainlysomethingoldTimMoonwouldwantto
communicate.AcollaborationperhapsbetweenthepartofTimMoonthatlivesonin
Simon'smemorybanksandthepartthatliveseternallyintheMindoftheAuthorofOur
Being.

"Hey,wait,beforeyouturnthepageandgetintothenextsection,Iwanttosayone
morething.Thosefaucetsonthesinkmeansomething.EverytimeIstareatthemin
deepmeditationIalmostremembersomethingimportant.Twofaucetsonasink,one
sayingHandonesayingC.RememberH.C.That'simportant."

Theecontinuestofall.

THEGYPSYSWITCH

ThefutureexistsfirstinImagination,theninWill,theninReality.
evehubbard

Inspring1963,whileaMr.OswaldwasorderingaCarcanoMannlicherriflethroughthe
mail,HughCranewasinCambridge,meetingwithafamouspsychologistwhohad
recentlybeenejectedfromHarvardfororiginalresearchandpoorusageoftheFirst
Amendment.

"Ittakesyoubeyondthebodyraptureofmarijuana?"Craneasked.

"That'stheleastofit,"saidthepsychologist."Ittakesyouintosomethingliketheparallel
universeofsciencefiction.I'mbeginningtothinkthey'reparallelneurologicaluniverses
ordifferentstylesofheadgames...."

"Games?"Cranesaid.

"Lifescripts,novels,"thepsychologistsuggested,tryingothermetaphors.

"Idigit,"Cranesaidquietly."HowsooncanItrythislysergicaciddiwhat'sit?"

"Diethylamide."

"Howsoon?"Cranerepeated."You'vegotaverywillingguineapig,Dr.Frankenstein."

GaryGranthadalreadytoldalltheshowbizcolumniststhatthismagicchemicalhad
changedhiswholelifeforthebetter;Cagliostro,typically,wentfurtherandbeganurging
itsuseoneveryone.Whenthebacklashstruckheandtheresearcherwhohadinitiated
himandafewotherresearchersandacoupleoffamouspoetsandnovelistswere
widelydenouncedas"highpriestsofthedrugcult."Hebecameafavoritetopicforthe
Sundaysupplementsandthemoreoxlikemen'smagazinesanyhackcouldmakea
livelystorybyrehashinghispotarrests,hismoralsbusts,therumorsaboutothersexual
oddities,hispublicadvocacyofLSDandanarchoatheism,hismantra,"Thereisno
governoranywhere,"andtheincreasinglypopularspeculationthathisescapeswere
actuallyperformedthroughblackmagic.
Itwasadisappointmenttoallthepeoplewholovedhatinghimwhenhesuddenly
marriedthescreen'sbestknownsexgoddess,NormaNelson,andsettleddowntowhat
appearedtobeaverymonogamousandunnewsworthyfidelitytrip.

Normaherselfwasdelightedthatallthoserumorsabouthissadismwereobviously
untrue.Theirsexlifewasquitenormal,andtheMassoftheHolyGhostwasperformed
withoutrestraints.Shediscovered,also,thebasicsecretofhisescapes:henever
acceptedachallengeatonce,alwaysjettingon"urgentbusiness"toanotherpartofthe
countryandonlytakinglanguidnoticeofthewager,casuallyacceptingitwithtotalcool,
afewdayslater.Theinterlude,shefound,wasspentinduplicatingtheconditions
proposedandfindingthegimmickthatwouldworkandthemisdirectionthatwould
distractattentionatthecrucialmoment.Shealsolearnedtheessenceoftheokanna
borra,or"gypsyswitch,"whichisthebasisofalmostallmagicandmostcongames.
Thepeoplewhothoughttheirownscrews,bolts,andchainswereusedinCagliostro's
escapeswereasmistakenasthosewhothinkthehandkerchiefwithahundreddollars
thattheygivethegypsyforblessingisthesamehandkerchiefthatcomesbacktothem.

Shealsolearnedwhatalchemywasallabout."Ithoughtthatwasallsuperstition,"she
saidonce,pointingathisshelvesofoldbooksonthetransmutationofelements,the
MassoftheHolyGhost,theCabala,andtheelixiroflife.

"Wedoitalmosteverynight."Hesmiled."YouhavetheCupandIhavetheSword.
Solveetcoagula,divideandunitethat'swhyIhavetogodownonyouagainattheend.
Themysticnumber210thatmeansustwobecomingoneinthepeakandthefallinginto
thevoid.You'vegottheTriangleandIcausethephysicalmanifestationwithinit."

"Youmeanit'sallacode?Whydidtheyhavetohideit?"

"Thosewhodidn'tgotburnedatthestake,"hesaid."Readaboutthewitchesandthe
KnightsTemplarsometime."

HealsobeganteachinghertheTarot."Now,theFoolcorrespondstoalephinKabala,
theox,orbullgodDionysus.ButalephisthepathfromKesertoChokmah,and,
therefore,theHolyGhostorsemen.TheMagusisbeth,thehouseortemplethatis,the
pathfromKesertoBinah,thewomb..."
"Doyoureallythinkyou'regoingtoliveforever?"sheaskedhimonce.

"Ifnot,"hesaid,"I'lldietrying."

WISEGUYSANDNEBBISHES

WhenSimonMoonwasappointedChiefoftheComputerSectionatGWB666,he
immediatelyjunkedallthepersonnelteststheninuseandreplacedthemwithaone
questiontestofhisowndevisingbasedontheVladEnigma.Applicantsweresimplytold
thestoryofVladandthemonksbyaninterviewerandaskedwhichmonkVladimpaled.
ThosewhosaidVladimpaledthelyingflattererwereclassifiedasnebbishesbySimon;
theywerethekindoffoolswhostill,despiteallevidencetothecontrary,regarded
governmentandthoseinauthorityashonestandjust.Theywouldtellthetruthto
superiors.Theywerehiredatonce."AnofficefullofEichmannsandGalleys,"Simon
saidproudly."Notoneofthemwilleverquestionanorderoraskanembarrassing
question."Hecouldprogramendlessanarchy,andtheywouldneversuspectit,because
hewasabovetheminthepackhierarchy.

ThosewhosaidVladimpaledthehonestmonk,ontheotherhand,wererejectedfor
employmentatGWB.SimoncalledthemtheWiseGuysandsecretlyarrangedfora
recruiterfromtheDiscordianSocietytocontactthemlater.Theydidn'tbelieveadamned
thinggovernmentsaidordid,hadhereticalopinionsondozensofsubjects,andusually
smokeddope.Theyemphaticallydidnotbelonginabureaucracy.

SometimesSimoncalledthenebbishesHomoneophobiaandthewiseguysHomo
neophilia.

Butthatwasinanothernovel.Simondidn'tevenknowifhewasstillworkingwiththe
Beastinthisnovel.

Hewasbecomingidentifiedwiththeform.
SomethingsremainedconstantunderthetransformationoftheKnightmoveMarvin
GardensstillhadhisparanoiaandhisVladtheBarbarianbooks,themissingscientists
werestillmissing,Simonwasstillamathematician(MaryMargarethadsaidso,atthe
party,eventhoughhewasonlydimlytherethistimearound).

ButsomethingshadalteredconsiderablyJosephineMalikwasJosephMalik,F.D.R.
Stuartwasaneditorinsteadofarevolutionary,HubbardwasPresidentinsteadof
Lousewart.

Butallthatwastrivial.Simongotouthispenandbeganjotting,inthemarginsofLaws
ofForm,theimportantthingshehadlearnedinhisoutofbookexperience:

1.Anovel,orauniverse,isaWholeSystem.

2.Whoweare,andwhatwedo,dependsonwhichnoveloruniversewearein.Every
partisafunctionoftheWhole.

3.Itisveryhardtorememberthewholenoveloruniversebecauseourhornswon'tfit
the

Simonstaredatthepage,losingthemeaningofMooning,forgettingthequestionitself
asattentionnarrowedtothissinglepage,thisparagraph,thishotelroominNewYorkon
themorningofDecember24,1983,barelyabletorememberevenafewpagesbackor
afewpagesahead.

Thewindowclosed.Thekeywasnokey.

HAVEN'TYOUHEARD?

Man'sinexorablethoughhardlyremorselessdrivetodivinityistakingnew,non
institutionalizedforms.Thiscomesdowntothesimplestofpropositions:thespecies
mustsolvetheproblemofdeathverysoon,blowitselfup,orblowitsmind.
alanharrington,TheImmortalist


WhenNormabecamepregnantCagliostroturnedintothestereotypeofanideal
husband,cancelingbookingstobewithher,joyouslysupportingherdecisiontoemploy
naturalchildbirth,teachingheryogatosupplementtheLamazeconditioningtechniques
employedbyherobstetrician.Hefilledherroomwithflowersandwithphotographsof
themoon.(Someofhisoccultstudieswereinvolvedhere,sherealized.)

Onenightthephonerang,andwhenCraneanswereditEpiceneWildebloodpurred,
"I'minHollywoodforaweekandIguessedyoumightwanttoseeme."

"Youguessedwrong,"Cranesaid."Sorry.Newtripthisyear."

Norma'slaborbeganprematurely,andthedoctorquicklydiscoveredthatthebabywas
inthebreechposition.Afterafewhoursherealizedthischildbirthcouldneverbe
natural.SheacceptedtheetherandheperformedaCaesarean,onlytofindtheinfant,
inturning,hadstrangledonitsumbilicalcord.

"Oh,God,"shesaidwhensheawokeandthedoctortoldher."Oh,whatalousyGodto
makeaworldlikethis."

Cagliostrowascaughtbyagaggleofreporterscomingoutofthehospital."Howdoyou
feel?"wasthefirstquestion.

"HowthehelldoyouthinkIfeel?"

"Wherewilltheservicebeheld?"

"Therewillbenoreligiousservice!"Cagliostroshouted,hoppingintoacab."Haven'tyou
foolsheardyet?Godisdead!"Itmadeheadlines,andinspirededitorials.One
editorial"BereavementIsNoExcuseforBlasphemycametotheattentionofa
fourteenyearoldboy,JohnDisk,whowastormentedbydesireswhichhisprieststold
himwereevil.

WhenCagliostroreturnedtotheclubshisacthadchangedconsiderably.Themildly
satiricalpatterbetweenescapeshadbecomebitinglymordant"He'sanewLenny
Bruce!"andentirelycenteredaroundhisdeclaredphilosophyofanarchismandatheism.
Theescapesthemselveschangedeachnight,becauseheexplainedthemandshowed
howtheyweredoneastheclimaxofeveryperformance.

"NowyouknowhowIfooledyou,"hewouldsay."Trytofigureoutonyourownhowyour
congressmenandclergymenfoolyou.Thereisnorestraintthatisn'tselfimposed:you
areallabsolutelyfree."

TheeveningafterthenewspapersbrokethestorythatheandNormahadjoinedJoan
Baezinrefusingtopaytaxes,adrunkbeganhecklinghimduringhisact:"Whydon'tyou
gobacktoRussia,youCommiedopefiend!"Thatsortofthing.

"Nomanlivinghatessocialismmorethanme,"Cagliostrosaidintensely.

HeandNormawerebustedforpossessionofacidafewweekslater."Thisishardto
fix,"hislawyertoldhim."You'retoonotoriousnow.TheonlychanceIseeisforyouto
vowtoreform,lamenttheerrorofyourways,andpromisetogoonalecturetour
speakingtoteenagersabouttheevilsofdrugs.ThenmaybeIcangetyouaminimum
sentence.Maybe."Hugh'soldfriend,theBostonpsychologist,wasinexileinNepal,
havingfledathirtyyearsentenceinTexas;politicaloffendersingeneralwerehavinga
roughtimeintheUnitedStates."I'llthinkaboutit,"hesaid.

Theverynextweekheledtheshowbizcontingentamongtheprotestersatthe1968
DemocraticConvention.AphotographofhimbeingteargassedoutsidetheChicago
Hiltonisstillreprintedwheneveranarticleabouthimappears.

"You'vehadit,"hislawyertoldhim."Asanofficerofthecourt,Ican'ttellyouwhatI
reallythink.Anunethicalattorney,werehehere,wouldfranklyadviseyouandNormato
getthehelloutofthecountry."

ButachangecameoverUnistatwhenHubertHumphrey,thenewPresident,withdrew
allthetroopsfromVietnamandbegangrantingamnestytopoliticalprisoners.
CagliostroandNorma,inthemidstofthereturntoliberalism,receivedsuspended
sentencesfortheacid,andhewasnottriedwiththeChicagoNineforconspiringthe
conventionriots.TheIRSraidedtheirbankaccountforthetaxmoneyinsteadof
prosecutingthem,and,by1970,hewaslistedasoneoftentopmoneymakersinshow
biz.Hisescapeswere,theAmericanSocietyofMagiciansannouncedinanaward,
betterthanHoudini's;hishabitofexplainingeach"miracle"aftertheperformanceonly
builtupcrowdinterestforthenextchallenge.

BUMPINTHENIGHT

SputSputnikwassleepingaloneatlast.Visionsofdollarsignsdancedinhisheadas
hedreamedofaminiaturesledfullofbarrelsofbeer.Shenuit,hehadit,RaHoor
cooedit,rightjollyoldselves,butoveralltherewasasmelloffriedonions,becauseof
janeschainsgainsclankingupanddownagain.

Sputturnedinthebed,moaningslightly,asthebrainsdaneschainscameclanking
backandforthagain.

AndtherewasaRussianspynamedIgorBeeforshot,andtherewasMinorBoulevard
andMajorStrasse,becauseeveryPershingcomestoCricks,butthechainsmains
painswereclankinginandoutagain.

Hoor'slookingforyou,cad!Itwasawidehouse,amasonblanc,acozybianca,butstill
therewerecranescranescranesflappingoverheadagain.Sohesputtheroavinovamor
and

Hewasabruptlyawake,inthedark,stillhearingthechains.Somethingwasbumping
andthumpingathisdoor,somethingthatseemedtobedraggingchainsbehindit.

SputwasnotintotheSMscene,andeverybodyinthemansionknewbetterthanto
comebangingathisdoorwhenhewasasleep.Butstillthethumpingandthebumping
andthechainrattlingcontinued.

Hewaswideawakenow,andheknewitwasnodream.

Somethingeldritchandunholy,rightoutofGothicfiction,wasbangingathisbedroom
door.

Andthen,forthefirsttimeinhislife,heactuallyheardaneerielaugh,justlikeinthe
books,andItwasactuallycomingthroughthedoor,walkingrightthroughsolidwood,a
greenisholdishspectralchainrattlingThing.

"JesusNelly!"Sputgasped.Thissortofgoingsononlyhappenedinbooks,notinreal
life.

"SputSputnik,"camethehollowvoice(rightoutofanechochamber,hethought).

"Yes?"hebreathed,wonderingifhishairswerestandingonend,too,inorthodox
fashion.

"SputSputnik,"saidthePresence,"IamtheGhostofChristmasPast."

THEEYEONTHEPYRAMID

Abiologicalbreakthroughwillforceanewmilitancy,anewcrusade."Maketheworld
safeforImmortality,"willbethecry.
segerberg,TheImmortalityFactor

OnMay1,1976,CagliostroandNormawereinMexicoCityonavacation.Atlunchshe
heldupatwentycentavopieceandsaid,"Isn'tthatthesameasthedesignonbackof
thedollar?"

"It'sMasonic,"hesaid."TheMexicanandAmericanrevolutionarieswereboth
predominantlyFreemasons."

"Whatdoesitmean,anywayaneyefloatingaboveapyramid?"

HestartedtoexplainabouttheThirdEyeandthepinealgland,andthennoticedthat
shewasn'tlistening.

"They'rewaitingforyou,"shesaidinamediumismicvoice.

JohnDisk,in1984,readCagliostro'snotesonthenextthreedaysverycarefully:

"Irefusedtobelieveit.Iputhertoeverypossibletest,wheneverthevoicespoke.
Lookingforevidenceofautosuggestionandselfhypnosis,Ifoundevidenceof
autosuggestionandselfhypnosisnaturally!IalsofoundseventeenthingsIcouldn't
explain.Mostcentralwasthefactthatthemessage,whenIfinallyencouragedher,
cameinEnochian,alanguagewhichnobodyunderstandssinceallwepossessarethe
nineteenfragmentsreceivedbyDeeandKellyintheseventeenthcentury.Yetshegave
menineteennewfragments,andtranslatedthem,andthegrammarandvocabularyare
consistentwiththeDeeKellyscryings.EvenifshehadstudiedtheDeeandKelly
fragments(whichsheswearsshehasn't),concoctingnewsentencesinthatunknown
languagewouldbebeyondthepowerofanyhumanbrainorevenofanyknown
computer...."

ThenineteenfragmentsofEnochian,translatedbyNormainthesametranceinwhich
thefragmentsarrived,becamethenineteenchaptersofTheAquarianGospel.Crane
wroteintheintroduction:

"Itisimpossibletodoubtthatthesearethecommunicationsofasuperiorintelligence.If
thereaderis,asIam[thankGod!],anatheist,theidentityofthatintelligencewillpose
severemysteries.Isitinterplanetaryorinterstellar?AbeingleapingacrossTimefrom
somemoreadvancedfuture,orpast[Atlantis]?Doesitcomefromdimensionstangent
to,butnotidenticalwith,ourown?Iproposenoanswertothesequestions,butIam
surethatthisintelligence,orotherslikeit,sentthemessageswhichfoundedthegreat
religionsofthepast,andthatsuchcommunicationsarethefoundationofthebeliefin
beingscalled'gods.'..."

Normawaskilledinanautomobileaccidentthedaythebookwaspublished."What
furtherproofdoweneed,"aprominentclergymanwroteinhissyndicatednewspaper
column,"thatthisfoulandobscene'revelation'comesfromasourcenotdivine,but
diabolical?"
Crane'sfirstandonlyfailuretoescapefromachallengeboxoccurredonemonthlater.

Theeyeoperationcamelaterthatyear."Icansaveone,"thedoctortoldhim,"butnot
both."

"Ablindmagicianisworseoffthanadeafmusician,andI'mnotBeethoven,"Cranesaid
simply."Dothebestyoucan."

Heretainedthesightofoneeye.

"Muchasweareinclinedtosympathize,"theNewYorkDailyNewseditorialized,"wedo
admittoastrongfeelingthatthereisdivineretributioninthetragediesbefallingdrug
cultistCagliostro'theGreat.'"

TheAquarianGospelwasburnedbyacitizens'groupinCicero,Illinois,thatweek.

"Thesepowers,whoeverandwhatevertheyare,"Cranewroteinunpublishednotes
whichJohnDiskreadyearslater,weeping"aredeterminedthatIabandonallelseand
becomenomorethantheservantwhocarriestheirmessage.Tothisend,theyare
takingawayfromme,onebyone,allthethingsIlove.Or,perhaps,Iammerelyinthe
terminalstagesofalongbrewingparanoidpsychosis?"

HughCranecelebratedhisfourteenthbirthdayin1938byclimbingintothebedofthe
family'sblackmaid,SophieHage,whointroducedhimtoVoudon.

ThegroupinHarlematthattimeactuallycombinedelementsofVoudonandMasonry.
SinceVoudonwasalreadyablendofEuropeanwitchcraftandAfricanmagic,and
MasonryisamixtureofelementsfromRosicrucianmysticismandFrenchrevolutionary
freethought,therewereactuallyfourtraditionsinvolved,andtheRiteofInitiationwas
unique.BorrowedfromthethirddegreeofMasonry,itreplacedJubela,Jubelo,and
JubelumwiththeGrandZombi,and,sincemarijuanawasinvolved,theordealbecame
asrealasinthosedayswhencandidatesknewtheywouldbekillediftheyfailed.

Inadarkcellaron110thStreet,theGrandZombidemanded,"RevealtheSecretWord
orIwillkillyou.RevealtheSecretWordandgiveupyourquestforTruthandPower."
Hugh,repeatingtheformulataughthim,replied,"Killmeifyoumust,butIwillsearch
againforTruthandPowerassoonasIamreborn."

TheGrandZombi,blackfaceaboveablackrobe,raisedhissword."Doyoufearme
now,mortal?"hescreamed.

"Ihaveeternitytoworkin,"Hughreplied,accordingtorote."WhyshouldIfear?"

"Thendie!"screamedtheZombithepartoftheRitewhichhadnotbeenexplainedto
thecandidateinadvanceandHughfelttheswordcrosshisneckandsawtheblood
spurting.

HealsosawthebulbwhichtheZombisqueezedtomakethebloodspurtoutoftheend
ofthesword.

Andheunderstoodthemanufactureofrealityandpowercompletely.

TRANSFORMATION

DECEMBER24,1983:

MarvinGardenswasawakeagain;thedownershadn'tfullytakentheedgeoffthecoke
excitation.

Hehadturnedtheradioon,buttheonlythingworthlisteningtowasHandel'sMessiah
thefourthtimehehadcaughtpartsofitthisweekandtheywereinthemiddleof"He
wasamanofsorrows,andacquaintedwithgrief."Notquitewhatheneededatthis
hour,withtheearlymorningManhattanpermeationofsuicidesandaccidental
overdosesskulkingintheshadows.HewishedtheywouldgetontotheHallelujah
Chorus.

Marvinfoundabookhe'dneverfinishedTheAutobiographyofCagliostrotheGreat.He
openedatrandomandstartedreading:

"Getaajob,"myfathersaid.Turningback,Isawthebeggarfallingtotheground,
obviouslyfaintingfromstarvation,butwhenhelandedIknew,fromhislimpness,thatit
wasmorethanafaint:thathewasdead.

Ithassometimesoccurredtomethatthereisaparallelheretothefamousexperience
oftheBuddha,who,likemyself,hadthemisfortunetobebornrichandonlydiscovered
whatlifeislikeformostpeoplewhenheencounteredabeggarandacorpse.Isthis
parallelanaccident?Iamnotsure:IcannotsaywhenIwaselected,ordrafted,to
receivetheAquarianmessage,thegreataffirmationthat"Allisjoy,"incontrasttothe
Buddha'sequallytrue,equallyfalse,butnowobsolete"Allissorrow."

Weneverseewhatisinfrontofoureyes.Myfatherdidnotseewhathappenedinside
mewhenthatbeggardied;IhavebroughtmenandwomentotheedgeoftheVision,by
varioustactics,andthey,afraidtoseeit,ranofftopsychiatrists.

"It'sreallyverysimpletoremembertheorderofthetenplanets,"BlakeWilliams
explainedtoNatalie."Justmemorizethesentence'MotherVeryEasilyMadeaJam
SandwichUsingNoPeanutsMayonnaiseorGlue.'Gotit?"

"MotherVeryEasilyMadeaJamSandwichUsingNoPeanutsMayonnaiseorGlue,"
Natalierepeateddubiously.

"That'sall,"Williamssaidproudly."Youjustusetheinitialletterofeachwordasa
mnemonic,andyou'vegotalltenplanets.MercuryVenusEarthMarstheasteroids
SaturnUranusNeptunePlutoMickeyandGoofy."

"Wow!"saidNatalie."Disneylandintheskies."

"Whothehellwasthat?"CarolChristmasaskedbreathlessly,asthetrianglefinally
faded."Suredidn'tlooklikealoatome,"sheadded,frowningthoughtfully.

"ItwasSimonMoon,"JoeMaliksaid,alsosomewhatbreathless."Iknewhiminanother
universe...oranothernovel...orsomething...."
Carolstaredathim."Youwigging?"sheaskedbluntly.

"No,"Joesaid."IthinkI'mbeginningtounderstandthetrapwe'reallcaughtin,andhow
togetoutofit."

DAMNANTQUODNONINTELLIGUNT

GodtoldJohnDisktokillCagliostrotheGreat.Itwasthatsimple;afterall,whowould
daretodisobeytheVoiceofGodHimself?

GodhadbeentalkingtoDiskfornearlyayearnow.TheVoicehadbeenratherfaintat
first,andJohneventhoughtitwastheDevilforawhile,becauseitkepttellinghimhe
wasdamned.Itsaidhewasdamnedbecausehesinnedsometimeswhenhewas
asleep.Itsaidmanysillyandblasphemousthings,butJohnrealizedlaterthatthose
weirditieshadbeentheDeviltryingtojamandconfusethecommunication,forwhenthe
Voicebecamestrongandconstant,therewasnodoubtatallthatitwasGod.

IttoldJohnthathehadbeenespeciallyselectedbecauseofhisvirtueandpurity,andit
nevermentionedwhathappenedsometimeswhenhewasasleep.Ittoldhimhewasthe
onlytwentythreeyearoldmalevirgininUnistat,thelasttrueChristiannotpervertedby
PussycatandtheSexualRevolutionandBlackMagic.Ittoldhimhehadearnedmuch
meritinHeavenforhisselflessactivitiesonbehalfoftheantiabortionmovementinthe
1970sandWhiteHeroesOpposingRedExtremismsincethen.

ItreallylovedJohn,anditneverstoppedtellinghimhewasthemostimportantmanon
theplanetbecausehehadbeenSelected.

Atfirstitdidn'ttellhimwhathehadbeenSelectedfor;buteverytimehereadanews
storyaboutsomenewblasphemybyCagliostrotheGreat,theVoiceofGodwouldsay,
"Thismanmustbestopped."

ItwasonlytowardtheendofNovemberthattheVoicebecameincreasinglyexplicitand
saiddirectlythathe,JohnDisk,hadbeenSelectedtoterminatethefoulexistenceofthe
infamousdevilworshiperCagliostro.EventhentheVoicewasalmostdrownedoutby
thevoiceofRhodaChief,theScarletWomanofRock,chanting,"Hickorydickorydock,
I'dliketosuckyourcock,"andotherdiabolicalvoiceshowling"nowife,nohorse,no
mustache"and"sitdownwhenyouwanttopee"andothernonsenselikethat.TheDevil
wastryingveryhardtokeepDiskfromhearingandbelievingtheWordofGod;he
wantedDisktothinkhewasgoingcrazy.ButtheVoiceofGodgotlouderandmore
powerfulanddrownedouttheothers,andnobodywhoheardit,Diskknew,couldever
doubtthataVoicesowiseandpowerfulwasanythingelsebutthatoftheLordGod
Himself.

Johnmadesure,ofcourse.Hespentawholenightpraying,beatinghisbackwitha
bundleofwet,stingingcords,justlikehe'dreadinabookaboutthesaintsfromthe
publiclibraryonFortysecondStreet.Hekeptsaying,"Lord,havemercyonme,a
sinner."AtdawnJesusappeared,withahalo,andtoldhimexactlyhowtofindapawn
shopwherehecouldbuyagunwithoutthelegalimpedimentofacquiringapermit.
ThenHeturnedintoahugeredtriangle,throughwhichtheimpassivefaceofalion
staredatJohn,andthenitwasallmirrorsandbluesmokeuntilheactuallyfoundthe
pawnshopandgotthepistol.

TheDevilwasdeterminedtoprotecthisservant,Cagliostro,soJohnfoundthemirrors
andsmokeincreasinglygettinginhiswayinthefollowingdays.Hewouldbeonhisway
toTheologyclassatFordhamwhensuddenlyallaroundwouldbethousandsofhippies
ofallnationsandavoicewouldbesinging

Thisisthedawning
oftheAgeofBavaria

orhewouldbeinayellowsubmarinefloatingoveragiganticsubmergedpyramidorhe
wouldturnonthereligiouschannelonthewallTV(theonlyonenotfullofsmutandfilth
thesedays)andfindLindaLovelacedoingThatDisgustingThingtosomebodynamed
MarvinGardens.Buthecontinuedtopray,andmoreandmoreTheVoiceofGodwould
drownoutallthesenetsandsnaresofSatan.

Finally,onthemorningofDecember24,theVoiceofGodtoldhimtogotoCentralPark
West,whereCagliostrowasliving,andwaitonthestreet.TheVoicetoldhimthatasa
rewardhewouldbeallowedtositatthelefthandoftheFatherinHeavenJesuswould
keeptherighthandbuttheHolySpiritwasbeingdemotedtoanauxiliaryrankwiththe
Virgin,sothathe,JohnDisk,couldbegiventhethirdhighestpositioninallParadise.

WhenhegottotheSchoolBookDepositoryandwalkedtowardtheboxseatintheFord
Theatre,sexmutilatorsandcattleeducatorshowledathimandherealizedthatthe
Devilwasstilltryingtodeceivehimandheprayedharderandharderuntilitwasclear
thathewasreallyonCentralParkWestandthemanwalkingtowardhim,takinga
morningconstitutional,wasthediabolicalCagliostro,achameleononamirror,andthe
classofallclassesthatweresimilartoit,butheprayedandgotthepistoloutofhis
pocket,almostseeingtheGrandZombiandhissword,breathinghardernowbecause
theDevilwastryingsohardtoconfusehim,andtheinterviewerwantedtoknowwhich
monkVladimpaled.

JohnDiskheldtheguninatremblinghandandlookedintoCagliostro'sicyeyes.

"Oy,haveyoupickedthewrongBlackMagician,"CagliostrosaidinastageYiddish
accent.

JohnDiskfiredfivetimesintotheheart.

ThegateofChinatownopened.

MASSLANDING

JustinCasewasreleasedfromtheflyingsaucerinthemiddleofCentralPark.Hewas
stillratherbefoozledmentallyandunsteadyonhisfeet,sohestaggeredtothenearest
benchandsatquietly,watchingthemtakeoff.

Hiswristwatchsaid7:15whichseemedplausible.

"ItisthemorningofDecember24,"hesaidaloud."TomorrowisChristmas."Itseemed
necessary,somehow,togetthesimplethingsclearedupfirstofall,beforedealingwith
theMysteries.

Thingslikethisdidn'thappentoNewYorkmusiccritics.Theyhappenedtofarmersin
IowaorfishermeninArkansas,orothersuchunsophisticatedtypes,and,besides,they
werehallucinations.

Justinwatchedtheflyingsaucerdisappearacrossthesky,remindinghimselfthatitwas
ahallucination.

Butstilltheirwordsranginhisears:

"ItistimeforyourspeciestojointheGalacticCommunity."

Justinfinallygothismindandlegsandvariousorgansworkingtogetherwellenoughto
walk.HeheadedforCentralParkWest,hopingtofindacab.

AtFiftyeighthStreethesawanewsstand.TheheadlinesglaredathimlikeTibetan
demons:

WORLDWIDEUFOFLAP
MassLandingsReported

Andinacornertheinevitablesurrealisttaglinetosuchanight:

MayorofChicagoArrested
SodomywithBoarHogAlleged

AsJustinstaredatthoseremarkablemessages,heheardfiverapidpistolshots.

Fromsomewherenearbymusicdriftedtowardhim.Hefoundhimselfabsentlyputting
thewordstothemelody:

Heknowswhenyou'vebeenbadorgood
Sobegoodforgoodness'sake
Hehastilyboughtanewspaperandhailedacab.Hewasgoingtogorighthomeand,
forthefirsttimeinhislife,breakhisruleagainstdrinkinginthemorning.

Whenhewasdrunkenoughtostoptrembling,itwouldbetimetodecidewhetherto
reporthisexperienceorletthosewhohadalreadytalkedtakealltheheat.

CROWNPOINT

CrownPointJail,inIndiana,wascalled"theescapeproofjail,"whenJohnDillingerwas
broughtthereinMay1934.OnthedayDillingerdestroyedthatnamebyescaping,an
outofworkvaudevillemagicianwasbegginginCentralPark,NewYork.Onethought
burnedinthisman'sheadWithalittleluck,IcouldhavebeenasecondHoudiniand
thatwaswhathewasthinkingashefoughtthehungercrampsandlaidhisspielonTom
Crane.

Whenhefeltthegroundmoveinthatbigwobbleofuncertainty,heremembered
suddenlytheeverbranchingTreeofLifeasmemoriesofAdamWeishauptand
Mohammedandinsectsandtreesfloodedthroughhim,amillionballoonsbursting
insidehimandoutsidehimatonce,eachballoonreleasingatwinkleoflight,eachlight
partoftheinfiniteladderoflight,andhewaswatchinghimselfdie,inhorrorandecstasy,
throughtheeyesofalittleboy.

Howdidmykarmaeverlandmehere?hethoughtashedied,andtheboyheardhim
thinking.

THEELEPHANT

ANNALSOFGENERALPSYCHIATRY,
MAY1984:

Inshort,thewaveofdelusion,mania,andhallucinationthatoccurredoverthe
ChristmasNewYear'sholidayslastyearcanonlybeattributedtotheparadoxicalnature
oftheunconscious.Wherepreviousmasshysteriashaveoccurred(e.g.,theendofthe
worldmaniasoftheMiddleAges,theOrsonWellesMartianinvasionbroadcastof1938)
thecausewas,obviously,thetensions,stresses,andfearsofthosetimes.Thislatest
eruption,cominginthemidstofatimeofprogress,optimism,andrisingexpectations,
canonlybeexplainedbyFreud'sgreatdiscoverythatoppositesareequaltothe
prelogicalunconsciousmind[ambivalenceprinciple].Inotherwords,highhopes,like
highanxieties,canunleashthedreamingmindintothewakingstate....
A.Besetzung,M.D.

ANNALSOFGENERALPSYCHIATRY,
JUNE1984:

Thecategoriesofhallucinationordelusiondonotfullycoverthephenomenonwhichto
someslightextentisstillcontinuing....

TheMayorofChicago"hallucinated"thebeautiful"PrincessIsisfromVenus"who
seducedhim,inhisfantasylife,butthewitnessesatthestockyardinsistthathewas
sodomizingaquiterealhogatthetime....

MarsisasinhospitabletolifeasVenus,butaprominentmusiccritichastoldthisauthor,
inprivate,ofanabductionbylittlegreenMartiansoutof1930ssciencefiction,butthis
obviouslyhallucinatoryexperiencedoesnothelpusunderstandhowthemanwas
transportedfromhisapartmentonTwentythirdStreettothemiddleofCentralPark,
whereheheardtheshotsofamurderthatneveroccurred....

OneoftheblindmencuredbytheVirginofPerthAmboyhadbeenexaminedatJohns
Hopkinsjustoneweekearlier,wheretheopticnervewasfoundtobeirreparablydead,
sothatthisisnotamatterofhystericalblindnesscuredbyhystericalfaith,butofreal
blindnesscuredbyhystericalfaith....
B.Gilhooley,M.D.

UFOREPORTER,
JANUARY1985:

Asthe"ChristmasMiracle"continuestoaccelerateworldwide,itbecomesmoreobvious
thaneverthattheoldconceptofalienscominghereinspaceshipsjustcannotaccount
forit.Eventhosemostcommittedtothespacemantheorymustadmit,inthelightofthe
recentevents,thatthesciencesinvolvedinwhatisbeingdonetothehumanraceare
primarilypsychicorparapsychological.Ifspacebeingsaredoingit,whateveritis,they
mustbedoingitbywhatIcanonlycall,vaguely,"psychotronictechnology,"andthey
couldbedoingit,forallweknow,fromtheirhomeplanets,withoutphysicallytravelingat
all.Bythesametoken,wehavenoneedtopositspacemenatall,sincewhoeveror
whateverisdoingthiscouldbeascloseasthepsychologydepartmentofsomeobscure
universityorthemindcontrolsectorofanyIntelligenceAgency....

Humanmindsarebeingmanipulatedonamassivescale;thatisallweknow,andall
theoriesabouttheManipulatorsterrestrialorextraterrestrialaremereguesswork....
J.Lacombe,Ph.D.

UFOREPORTER,
MARCH1985:

...Theideathatthe"ChristmasPhenomenon"isbeingdonetousbysomeAgency
(terrestrialorotherwise)isbasedonthecategoriesofIndoEuropeangrammarand
Aristotelianlogic,whichmodernphysicshaslongknowntobeinadequate.ATaoistora
HopiIndian,forinstance,withadifferentsemantic"set,"mightregardtheeventsasa
cosmichappeningorgrowthprocess,withouttryingtoisolateoutonepartofthe
universeasthe"cause"andthusrelegatingtherestoftheuniversetothedependent
positionof"theeffects."Modernquantumtheory,atleastsinceBell'sTheorem(1964),
wouldsuggeststronglythattheseholisticChineseAmerindianconceptsaremore
accuratemapsofwhatishappeningthanthelinearAcausesBsequencesof
Aristotelianism....

Doesthismeanthatweabandonthesearchfora"cause"?Notatall.Itmerelyimplies
thatlookingforhumansorsuperhumanswhodiditisasfruitlessasthemedievalsearch
toexplaineachoddityastheworkofangelsordemons.Weshouldseekthecausein
thequantumstructureoflifeandofmatteritself....
B.Williams,Ph.D.
NATIONALENQUIRER,
JUNE1991:

OfalltheperplexingpixiedomthatcontinuestotrailinthewakeoftheChristmas
Miracle,themostbafflingthingtoshowbizpeopleisthecontinuedabsenceof
CagliostrotheGreat.Theideathatthemagician'sdisappearancewasapublicitystunt,
calculatedtocashinontheothermysteriesbeginningthatamazingmorningeightyears
ago,haslongsincebeenabandoned,asCagliostrocontinuestoremainhidden,
whereverheis....

ThemostbizarresidelineofthisstoryconcernsJohnDisk,themanwhoclaimedto
havemurderedCagliostro.AlthoughheldbytheNewYorkpoliceforsomemonths,Disk
wasfinallyreleasedwhennobodycouldbefoundandtheclothesdiscoveredon
CentralParkWestandidentifiedasCagliostro'swerefreeofbulletholes.Disk,wehave
learned,isnowanofficeroftheFirstBankofReligiosophyandrefusestotalkabouthis
experiencethatmadandmysteriousmorning.

"Nobodywouldbelieveme,"hetoldourreporter."YouhavetogotoChinatownandsee
ityourself."

GALACTICARCHIVES:

TounderstandwhathappenedtotheprimatesofTerrainthe1980s,ametaphormaybe
useful.

Charlatans,jongleurs,wanderingminstrels,stagemagicians,etc.,onallprimitive
planets,employadeviceknownasaTrickTopHat.Thisappearstobeanordinaryhat,
andlooksemptytotheaudience,butitactuallycontainsapouchoutofwhichallsorts
ofamazingthingscanbemadetoappearrabbits,yardsofbrightcoloredcloth,glasses
ofwater,andingeneralwhateverthemagicianwishestoproduceforthedelightand
amazementofhisaudience.

Thisritual,likeallritualsandreligiousvisionsorecstasies,isactuallyamemoryofthe
future,butthereisnowayforprimitivestounderstandthat.
ConsidertheepistemologicalplightoftheTerranprimatesatthetimeofthisancient
Romance.Theyknewthattheyweremadeofmolecules,whichweremadeofatoms,
whichweremadeofsubatomicparticles,whichwereexpressionsinspacetimeof
quantumprobabilitymatrices.Thisknowledge,alas,wassorecentthatithadnever
beenintegratedintotheirphilosophies,orintotherulesoftheirsocialgames,like
religions,politics,economics,etc.Theirwholesocialrealitytunnelwasbasedon
prequantumsuperstitionandignorance.ThesociologicalnexuswasEuclidean
AristotelianNewtonian;evenMaxwellandEinsteinhadonlybeendigestedbyafew.

Overtwentyfivehundredyearsearlier,onemutantprimate,LaoTse,hadwritten:"The
greatestiswithinthesmallest."Lessthanoneonehundredth(0.01)ofonepercentof
theTerranprimateswerecapableofunderstandingthisbefore1984.Theylookedfor
causalityeverywhereelse:someknownasastrologersscannedthedistantstars;others
knownasMarxistsscannedeconomics,etc.Theyknewthatthephysicistsunderstood
causalitybetterthananyothergroupontheirplanet,butfewofthem,evenamongthe
physicists,realizedhowquantumtheoryappliedtotheirownbehavior.Quantum
psychologydidnotbegintoemergeuntilthe1990s.

WhatwasknownintheirplanetasBell'sTheoremanelementary,kindergartenlevel
discoveryroutinelydivinedoneveryplanetataboutthesametimeasatomicenergy
andspacetravelarebeginningwasonlytwentyyearsoldamongthemandbarely
understoodevenbythephysicists.Thefewquantumtheorists,suchasSarfatti,who
daredtospeculateabout"macrocosmicquantumeffects"largesystemsengagedin
quantumjumpingwereusuallydismissedasRomanticsbytheircolleagues,despitethe
factthateachstageofmetamorphosisofeverylivingcreature,includingtheTerran
primatesthemselves,wasobviouslyaquantumleap.

TheprimateMystics,mostofthembraindamaged,endlesslytoldtheotherprimatesto
"lookwithin."Mostprimatesassumed,inprimitiveAristotelianfashion,thatwhatwas
withinwassomegaseousentitywhichtheycalled"mind"or"soul."Unabletofindsuch
anabstraction,theyeithergaveupindespairortooktheirnegativeresultsasapositive
revelationandbecameadherentsofthe"nomind"or"noego"philosophyofBuddha
andDavidHume.

Ofcourseiftheyhadtrulylookedwithin,scientifically,theywouldhavefoundthattheir
thoughts,percepts,andrealitytunnelsweredeterminedbythestructureoftheprimate
nervoussystem,whichwasdeterminedbythegeneticormoleculardesignofthe
primateevolutionaryscript,whichwasdeterminedbythelawsofquantumbiophysics.
Thatisconcretely,theirbrainswereshapedbycellsshapedbymoleculesshapedby
atomsshapedbyquantumprobabilities.

Sincethequantumconnectionisnonlocal,itisinevitablethatintrospectionand
meditationcoulddiscoverno"ego"within;withinandwithoutareEuclideanparameters
thatdonotapplytothequantumworld.Buttheprimatescouldnotunderstandthis.
When,duetotrauma,masochisticreligiouspractices,alkaloidherbs,ormerestatistical
chance,theirneuroatomiccircuitrypropelledthemintoQuantumConsciousness,they
couldnotconceptualizethattheywereoutsidespacetimeentirely.Spaceandtime,they
stillthoughtevenafterEinsein,wereassolidaswalls.Theycouldonlyimagine,primate
fashion,thattheyweretravelinginspaceandoutoftheirbodies;theycalledit"astral
projection"anddevisednumerousprimatesuperstitionsaboutit.

Similarly,whenoneofthemwouldbegintolearnhowtousethemetaprogramming
circuitsintheforebrain,theycouldnotconceptualizethattheywerepeeringinto
alternativequantumprobabilitymatrices.Instead,theydevisedawholemythologyof
heavens,hells,purgatories,astralplanes,fairylands,demons,gods,angels,UFOnauts,
etc.,tomakeEuclidean"maps"ofsuchquantumexperiences.

WeshouldbecharitabletotheTerranprimates.Allplanetshavegonethroughsuch
superstitiousstagesbeforetheHEADRevolutioniscompleteamongthem.

Whentheneuroatomiccircuitry,onlyoccasionallyreleasedduringmostoftheirhistory,
begantofunctionfullyin1984,theprimatescouldnotbegintounderstandwhatwas
happening,foralloftheabovereasons.Theyweresuddenlyincommunication,notjust
withonerealitytunnel,butwithallpossiblerealitytunnels.Theycouldseequantum
probabilitiesleadingtoallpossiblefutures,buttheywereunabletoconceptualizewhat
theysaw.Theprimatebrain,alwaysquicktocoverignorancewithaprimatearchetype,
projectedalltheirtraditionalsuperstitionsonwhatwashappening.

Terrawasaweirdandcrazyplaceforseveralyears.Giantlobsterswithrayguns,
Tibetandemons,Ignatztheanarchistmouse,anddozensofotherfantasyfigureswere
likelytoappearatanytime,anyplace,eveninchurchesduringfuneralsorattopsecret
governmentalmeetings.Thejoke"We'realllivinginasurrealistnovel"gainedwide
currency,althoughfewrealizedhowclosetothetruthitwas.

TheintelligenceraisingdrugNEURObegantochangethingsabitafteritappearedin
1988.People'sfantasiesgraduallybecamemoresophisticatedandphilosophical,and
theirrealitytunnelsaccordinglyadapted.WiththepublicationofSirag'sGeneralField
Theoryin1993,thesmarterprimatesimmediatelyrealizedwhatwasreallyoccurringon
theirplanetandthroughoutthecosmos.

Theygraduallycomprehendedthatalltheirmythshadbeenmemoriesofthefuture,
availabletothemthroughthenonlocalactivityofthequantumwavesmakinguptheir
brains.AgeoldreligiousvisionsofImmortality,forinstance,theyrecognizedas
precapitulationsoftheinevitableendproductoftheircurrentlongevityresearch.The
"magiccarpets"and"sevenleagueboots"theyalreadyhad;theNewHeavenandNew
Earththeywererapidlybuilding.Thesuperhumanheroesandheroinesofromantic
fictionwerethehumanstheywerethemselvesbecomingastheHEADRevolution
acceleratedthemtowardgreaterintellectualefficiency,moreflexibleemotional
equilibrium,neurosomaticrapture,andmetaprogrammingwisdom.

TheyunderstoodthattheBoddhisattva'sVow,commonamongtheneurosomaticcircuit
Easternprimates,wasnoidlefantasy,either,eventhoughitpromisedtoredeemall
sentientbeings.WithtimetravelmadepossiblethroughtheGeneralFieldTheory,they
couldchangeanypastprobabilitywave,creatinganewuniversewhereeachentity
wouldtakethebestpossiblepathinsteadofwhateversadpathsithadtakentoarouse
theircompassionandintervention.Theyunderstoodthewords,previouslytotally
opaque,oftheJewishmystic,Jesus,whohadsaid,"AllthatIdo,yeshalldo,also;and
more."Theyunderstoodthateverypoliticalandmysticalidealoffreedom,however
abortedinitsfirstappearances,wasfatedtobeachievedinsomeform,intheinfinite
nonlocalcosmosopeningbeforethem.

Theyunderstoodthatthe"onenesswithearth"somanyhaddiscoveredintheprevious
twodecadeshadonlybeentheoverturetothediscoveryofnonlocality,astheyshared
moreandmoreinonenesswithallthatis,andallthatcanbe.

Andtheyunderstood,ofcoursethetimehonoredallegoryoftheTrickTopHat,which
wasjustasymbolofthebrain.Thisritualwaspassedonfromgenerationtogeneration,
sinceitrepresentedthegreatesttreasureintheuniverse,whichissharedbyalland
belongstonone:thefacultyofcreativity,partiallyunleashedineachsentientbeing,fully
releasedattheproperGalacticgenetictimebytheHEADRevolution.

BOOKONE

TheHomingPigeons

PARTONE

WHO'SZELENKA?

AllCretansareliars.
empedoclesthecretan

ThePresidentoftheUnitedStatesisnotacrook.
thepresidentoftheunitedstates

Deathtoallfanatics!
malaclypsetheyounger

THEUNIVERSEWILLSURPRISEUS

JenfaTi:TifaTsienT'sienfaToo;Toofatzujan
LAOTsE,TooTeChing

Tall,skinnypalmtrees,twistedtobizarreanglesbydozensofFloridahurricanes,stood
blackagainstacinnamonstreakedskyasthesunrosemajesticallyinthewest.

"Westophere,"Mavissaid,ashehadknownshewould;aswas,perhaps,inevitable
now.
ThismustbetheGulfofMexico,Dashwoodthought.Theycouldnowloadhimwith
chainsanddrophiminthedrink,ascriminalssaid,lettinghimsinkslowlydownamid
thesharksandbarracudas,downwhere,afterthesharkswerefinished,theKingCrabs
wouldpickwhatwasleftonhisbones,down,down,down,fullfathomfive.

And,aswasinevitablenow,Mavismotionedhimoutofthecar,steppingoutbehindhim
(stillholdingthatdamnedtommygun,asifquietlytoyingwithit)liketheghoatsin
hammelts.

"Wewaithere,"shesaid."Theothersgoback."

"Whatarewewaitingfor?"Dashwoodasked.

"Don'tbeadummy,George.Werescuedyou,remember?Likethegaudsinambers."

Dashwoodtookadeepbreath,countingtoten."WhydoyoukeepcallingmeGeorge?
YouknowmynameisFrank,dammit."

Mavisopenedhereyeswide,pretendingastonishment."Youreallydon'tremember,"
shesaidsadly.

Awoodpeckerlandedwearilyonthenearestpalm,asifhehadflownmoremissions
thanYossarianandneverintendedtogoupagain.

"I'mFrankDashwood,"hesaid."Dr.FrancisR.Dashwood.I'mamemberofthe
AmericanPsychiatricAssociation.I'minWho'sWho.Goddamnit,"headded,irrelevantly
butheatedly.

"You'reGeorgeDorn,"shesaid."YouworkforConfrontationmagazine.Yourbossis
namedJustinCase."

"Oh,balls,"Dashwoodsaid.

Thewoodpeckerturnedhishead,asperhapswassuretohappennow,andwatched
themsuspiciously,likeaparanoidoldman.
AndDashwoodnoticed,asforthefirsttime,anunfinishedbuildingonthebeach,
probablyanewcondo,withgirdersgoingoffatstrangecubistangles.Skeletonsinhard
hatsstoodfrozenlikestatues,andagiantsquidreachedupfromtheoceantowrapits
tentaclesaroundthepylons.

ThesunwasashotasGungaDin'sloincloth.

Avinecoloredplaqueatthegatesaid:

FATALITYINC.
MussS.Sine,President
S.MussSine,VicePresident

"IfI'mGeorgeDorn,"hesaidfinally,"whydoIhavethisdeepseatedlongtimedelusion
thatI'mFrankDashwood?"

"We'reinMaybetimehere,"Mavissaid."Youknow:'InadditiontoaYesandaNo,the
universecontainsaMaybe.'You'veheardthat,I'msure.It'shardtokeeptrackofsocial
fictionsouthere,andpersonalidentityisjustasocialfiction.Soyou'velostyouregofor
afewminutesandgrabbedholdofanotherone.That'showyoucreatedthisimaginary
FrankFernwood.""Dashwood,"hecorrectedautomatically."Goinghomefromhereisn't
easy,"Mavissaid,stilltoyingwiththetommygun."Somepeopleneverfindtheirway
back.That'swhyyoumustletgooutofthisFrankFernwooddelusion.""It'sDashwood,
dammit,Dashwood!""Fernwood,Dashwood,"shesaidimpatiently."Deepdownyou
knowyou'reGeorgeDorn."

"Youareafruitcake,Mavis.Whydidyourescuemefromthatjail,anyway?"

"You'rewanted,"shesaidsimply."Bywhom?""HagbardCeline."

"AndwhoisHagbardCeline?"Theyhadreachedthecabanaandwerestandingbeside
it,glaringateachotherliketwochessmasterswhoeachsuspectthattheyhave
wanderedintosomeidioticpermutationoftheOurangOutanopening.Thewoodpecker
turnedhishead,probablyabitpuzzledhimself,andsizedthemupwiththeothereye.

"You'llknowwhenyoumeethim,George."("Frank,"heshouted."George,"she
repeatedfirmly.)"Fornowit'senoughthathewantedustogetyououtofBadAssJail."
"AndwhythehelldoesHagbardChelling..."("Celine,"shecorrected.)"...Celine,then,
whythehelldoesHagbardCelinewanttoseeme?"

"Whyanything?"Mavisaskedrhetorically."Whysky,whyoceans,whypeople?Jenfa
Ti:TifaT'sien:T'sienfaTao:Taofatzujan."

"Oh,coitus,"Dashwoodsaid,avoidingcrudity."Don'tgivemeobscuritiesinCantonese
atthishour."

"Menarecreatedbyearth,earthiscreatedbytheuniverse,theuniverseiscreatedby
Nature'sProcess,andNature'sProcessjusthappened,"Mavistranslated.

Dashwoodwasnotgoingtogetinvolvedinaleotoriccosmologies."SoHagbardCeline
justhappened,"hesaid."AndhejusthappenedtowantmeoutofBadAssJail.Andyou
justhappentolikebustingintojailswithtommygunsandtakingprisonersout.Thisis
thesilliestdamnedroutineIeverheard."

"Well,"Mavissaid,grinningwickedly,"Ialsojusthappentolikeyou.Infact,I'vehadthe
WhitesforyoueversinceIbrokeintothecellbackinBadAssandcaughtyouLourding
off."

"Don'ttalkdirty,"hesaid."It'snotbecomingtoayoungwomanyourage,andit'sgetting
sillyandoldfashioned.Itmakesyousoundlikearefugeefromthe1960s."

"Nonsense,"Mavissaid."Itgetsyouexcited.Italwaysgetsmenexcitedtohearwomen
talklikethis.DoyouknowhowIfeltwhenIsawyouthereonthebunkwithyour
Rehnquistinyourhand?ItmademyFeinsteingoallwarmandmushyinside,George."

"Frank,"hesaidonemoretime."AndIdon'thavetheWhitesforyou.Womenwith
tommygunsdon'tturnmeonatall."

"Areyousure?"Mavisaskedprovocatively."I'llbetIcouldmakeyourRehnquiststand
upifIreallytried."Sheopenedhertrenchcoatandhecouldseehermagnificent
Brownmillersbulgingthroughhertightsweater.Hehadtoadmittheywereafine,firm
pairofBrownmillers"apairyoucouldhangyourhaton,"asanIrishmanhadoncesaid
buthewasnotgoingtobetempted.Thiswasalltooweird.

"I'vehadalotoftensionsinceraidingthejail,"Maviswenton,slippingthetrenchcoatto
thesand."IreallyneedagoodPotterStewart,George.Wouldn'tyouliketoPotter
Stewartme?Wouldn'tyouliketolieonthesandandstickyourgreatbigpulsating
Rehnquistintomywarm,moistFeinstein?"

"Thisisridiculous."

"Listen,George,"Maviswentonintensely."WhenIwasyoungIdecidedtosavemyself
foramanwhocompletelymeetsthecriteriaofmyvaluesystem.That'swhenIwas
readingAynRand,yousee.ButthenIrealizedIcouldgetawfullyhornywaitingforhim
tocomealong.You'llhavetodo."

Howcanyoukeepthefactsclearandsharpedgedwhenthishappens?"Youreally
wantmetoPotterStewartyourightnowonapublicbeachinbroaddaylight?"heasked,
feelinglikeafool.

Thewoodpeckerwenttoworkabovethemjustthen,bangingawaylikeaRock
drummer.DashwoodrememberedfromNutleyHighSchool:

Thewoodpeckerpeckedontheouthousedoor;

Hepeckedandhepeckedtillhispeckerwassore.

"George,you'retooserious.Don'tyouknowhowtoplay?Didyoueverthinkthatlifeis
maybeagame?Theworldisatoy,George.I'matoy.Youconjuredmeoutofyour
fantasieswhileyouwereLourdingoffinthatjailcelllastnight.I'mamagicvoodoodoll.
Youcandoanythingyouwantwithme."

Dashwoodshookhishead."Ican'tbelieveyou.Thewayyou'retalkingit'snotreal."

"IalwaystalkthiswaywhenI'mhorny.ItsohappensthatatsuchtendermomentsI'm
moreopentothevibrationsfromouterspace.George,istheToothFairyreal?Isthe
thoughtoftheToothFairyarealthought?Howisitdifferentfromthementalpictureof
myBrownmillersthatyougetwhenyouimagineyoucanlookrightthroughmysweater?
DoesthefactthatyoucanthinkofPotterStewartingmeandIcanthinkofPotter
StewartingyoumeanthatwearegoingtoPotterStewart?Oristheuniversegoingto
surpriseus?"

"Theuniverseisgoingtosurpriseyou,"Dashwoodsaid."Idon'ttrustwomenwith
tommygunswhoraveaboutToothFairiesandvibrationsfromouterspace.I'mgetting
thehelloutofhere."Hestartedtowalkaway.

"Listen,George,"Mavissaidearnestly."Youareabouttowalkintoacompletelydifferent
universe,oneyoumightnotlikeatall.Everyquantumdecisioncreatesawholenew
spacetimemanifold..."

"Oh,bullburger,"hesaid,beforeshecouldgoanyfurtherwiththatgibberish.

"Youdamnedfool!You'rewalkingoutonthegreatestadventureofourcentury!"She
wasalmostshoutingnow."Atlantis!Illumination!Leviathan!HagbardCeline!"

Dashwoodkeptgoing.

"Youasshole!"shescreamed."You'reabouttomissthebestSteinemJobofyourlife."

Healmostturnedthen,butthiswasalltoobizarreforhim.Hecontinueddownthe
asphaltroadgrimly,ignoringtheyellowsubmarinethatwasbeginningtosurface
offshore.

BlakeWilliamsgallopedpasthimsuddenly,ridingahorsewithnowifeandno
mustache.HewasLassie(whowasreallyamaledogindrag),buthewasalso
Dashwood'sfather.LiketheGutmanhammett.

ThenFurbishLousewartcameoutofthelavatorywearingalaboratorysmock."The
massesarefemale,"hesneered,drawingarotarysawoutofhistoolboxdepository.He
methodicallybegansawingoffDashwood'shead.
"Givemehead!"hescreamed."Thewhitenessofthewall!Gothinhaven,annettecolp
us!Givemehead!"

AndthenLindaLovelacewasthere,withDracula'soldredlinedcape,startingtosuck
him,startingtosuckthepurityofessencefromhim,bitingdownhardhardhard,a
bloodsmearedmouthwithcaninefangs.

Andhewokeup.

Helookedatthealarmclockblearily,stillhauntedbyfangsandblood.Sixfiftyeight;the
alarmwouldgooffintwominutes.

IamFrankDashwood.Allthatotherwasjustadream.

Hedepressedthealarmswitchandputhisnakedfeetonthecoldfloor,sohewouldnot
rolloveranddreamhewasgoingtowork.

Fangsandblood.Whydopeopleseesuchfilms?Weirdspecies,weare.

Dr.Dashwoodstaggeredtotheshower.Whitetile,whiteonwhite:thewhitenessofthe
wall.Vibrationsfromouterspace,shesaid.Nottoohot,now:careful.Ah,that'sgood.
Watchthatitdoesn'theatuptoofast,though.Fangsandblood:averagepersonhas
seenonehundred,maybetwohundred,ofthosefilms.Hundredsofhoursofhorror
groovesinthebrain:neurologicalmasochism.YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Heturnedthehotwaterspigotdownquickly.Alwaysdoesthat:startstepidandthen
boilsyou.

Heleaptfromtheshowerandbegantoweling.Oralsadism:shelookedgoodenoughto
eat,wesay.LittleRedRidingHood.Eatupuscomplex.

Dashwoodsurveyedhisfeaturesinthemirror,combinghishair.Astheworldseesme:
thisnotunhandsome,definitelynervous,middleagedface.

Radiowillbringmeallthewayback.TryKKHI,maybecatchsomeVivaldi.Dashwood's
Law:wheneveryouturnonKKHI,they'reeitherplayingVivaldiorwillplayVivaldiwithin
fifteenminutes.

Dededumdedumdedee

Dededumdedumdedumdumdum

SoundsmorelikeBach.Wait:listen:

DededrumdedrumdeDRUM

Drumdrumdedroomdede

Wheeeeedumbde!

AndthatwastheConcertoforHarpbyJanZelenka.Andnowthenews.InBadAss,
Texas,SchoolSuperintendentB.S.Curvewasmurderedlastnightbyabombattached
tothestarterofhisautomobile.SuperintendentCurvehadbeenunderattackbylocal
clergyandtheJohnBirchSocietyforproposingtheteachingofthemetricsystemin
schools.InWashington,PresidentK

Dashwoodsnappedtheradiooffirritably.Wheneveryouwanttohearsomepleasant
music,theybreakforthenws.Ah,well:timetoheadfortheoffice,anyway.

Dededumdedumdedee...WherethehelldidIputthekey?Ohyes;alarmclock,
nextto.Dumdede:

suresoundedlikeBachatfirst.Dumdrumdedee!Reallybouncedalong,musicofthat
period.Baroque.

Hestartedhiscar.

Crrrumphrumphrumph.

Oh,damn.Tryagain.
Crrrrrrrrrrrumphrumphazoom.

Dashwoodpulledoutintothetraffic.Alwaysfailstoignitefirsttime.Dumdumde.
Zelenka,hesaid.WhothehellwasZelenka?SameperiodasBach,I'msure.

Dr.DashwoodturnedontoVanNessandheadedforOrgasmResearch:dadumda
dumdadreee!

Anddrovestraightintoanentirelydifferentkindofnovel.

THEMADARAB

Qol:HuaAllahuachad;AllahuAssamad;lamyalidwalamyulad;walamyakunlahu
kufwanachad.
alqoran

Onedayearlierandthreethousandmilesdueeast,Bonita("Bonny")Benedict,a
popularcolumnistfortheNewYorkNewsTimesPostHeraldDispatchExpressMirror
Eagle,satdowntowriteherdailystreamofconsciousness.Accordingtoherusual
procedure,Bonnybeganbyflippingthroughhernotebook.Thisusuallyservedtofructify
herimagination,butthatdayprovedrathersterile.Itemswhichhadalreadybeenused
werecrossedoutwithlargeX'sandwhatwasleftwasweary,stale,flat,and
unprofitable.Therewasliterallynothingtimelyorexcitingenoughforalead.

Bonnywasonlystumpedforaminute;thensherememberedtheancientmaximofthe
greatpioneerofmodernjournalism,CharlesFosterHearst:"Ifthereisn'tanynews,
inventsome."

Ms.Benedict,whosehairwouldhavebeengrayifshehadn'tdecideditwasmorechic
tobleachitpureplatinumwhite,hadlastedinthenewsgameforfortyyears.Shedid
notlackthefacultyofimagination.
Bonnyinsertedafreshsheetinthetypewriterandbeganatonce,trustingheryearsof
experiencetoguideher.Whatemergedwas:

WhoisthemaninHongKongwholooksexactlylikeLeeHarveyOswald?Believeitor
not,darlings,thatquestioniscausingalotofexcitementamongthemembersofthe
newSenateCommitteeonCongressionalCommitteesonAssassinations.Incaseyou
forgot,they'retheoneswhoaretryingtofindoutwhythevariousCongressional
CommitteesonAssassinationscouldn'tfindoutanything.Whatthey'reaskingeach
otheris:CouldthemaninHongKongreallybeOswald?And,ifso,whowasthedouble
thatgotshotinDallas?Doesn'titmakeyourheadsswim???

Thatwaswhatwasknownasafailsafeitem.If(aswaslikely)theSenateCommittee
simplyignoreditratherthanfantheflamesofrumor,manyreaderswouldbelieveiton
thegroundsthatithadbeenprintedandnotdenied.If,ontheotherhand,the
Committeediddenyit,evenmorepeoplewouldbelieveit.A1981psychologicalsurvey
hadshownthat67percentofthepopulationexperienceduncertainty,indecision,
suspicion,ordownrightparanoiawhenevertheysawthewords"governmentdenial"in
print.

Bonnywentontouseupthenottotallydrearyitemsinhernotebook,jazzingeachone
enoughtogiveitacoatofsparkle,oratleastoftinsel.Butshestillneededazingerfor
theclosing.ShefollowedthesageadviceoftheprophetHearstonemoretimeand
wrote:

Wasn'tthatFurbishLousewartofthePurityofEcologyPartyeatingsteakanddrinking
Manhattans(madewithSouthernComfort,mydears!)atSardi'slastnight?Whatwould
thePartyregularsthinkofthisflagrantdisregardofPOEprinciples?

Bonny,inheryouth,hadbeenadiscipleofthefamousfeministandpsychologistAlberta
Einstein.ItwasMs.Einstein,inherepochmakingNeuropsychology,whointroducedthe
conceptthateverybrainconstructsadifferent"islandreality"fromthebillionsofsignals
itreceiveseveryminute.Thisconcepthadrevolutionizedthesocialsciencesandeven
ledHeisenbergtoproposeasimilarrelativityprincipleinphysics.Bonnyknewthatthe
POEpeoplelivedinanislandrealitywhereeatingmeatanddrinkingfermentedspirits
wereatrocitiescomparabletoaxmurderorBurgeringinthewell.Thisitemwouldmake
themhoppingmad.

Acolumnist'scareerdependsonamusingmostofherreadersmostofthetimeand
makingsomeofthemhoppingmadsomeofthetime.

TheownerpublisheroftheNewYorkNewsTimesircwasPollyEstherDoubleknit,relict
ofthelateDacronDoubleknit,theleisurewearking.Whentheleisurewearfadhad
peakedinthe1970s,Dacronhadshrewdlyusedthecashflowto"diversify,"ashis
accountantcalledit.EngulfandDevour,hiscompetitorscalledit.WhenhediedDacron
ownedoverathousandretailstorescoasttocoast,atapiocamineinNutley,N.J.(abad
investment,thatone,suggestedbyaplausiblebutMachiavellianmidget),alargehunk
ofCanadianforestland,threeSouthAmericangovernments(hisleisurewearwas
thereaftermadewithverycheaplabor),sixteenCongresspersons,threesenators,a
shipyardinYellowSprings,Ohio(suggestedbyEvaGebloomenkraft),sevenstate
legislaturestogetherwithfourotherwhorehousesinNevada,andtheNewYorkNews
Timesu.s.w.

Dacrondiedofaheartattackatfiftytwo,broughtonbyanxietyabouttheamountof
politicalcorruptionhewasinvolvedin.Dacrondidnotliketobribepublicofficialsand
hatedthesizeofthebribestheyallwanted,becausehehadbeenraiseda
Presbyterian.Unfortunatelyforhim,helivedinanageofTerminalBureaucracyand
therewasabsolutelynoway,nomatterhowmanylawyershehired,tofindoutifhis
corporationswere,inanygiveninstance,inviolationofthelaw.Thereweretoomany
laws,andtheywerewritteninlanguagethatguaranteedmaximumambiguityallaround,
sothatlawyers(whowrotethelaws)couldalwaysgetjobsprovingthatthelawsmeant
Yes,iftheywerebeingpaidtoprovethat,orthatthelawsmeantNo,iftheywerebeing
paidtoprovethat.Dacronneverfoundout,forsure,whetherhewasoneofthe
businessmeninthecountryoperating100percentlegallyallthetimeorifhewasin
violationofsomanystatutesthathewassubjecttooverathousandyearsinprison;no
twolawyerseverwouldagreeaboutthat.SoDacronbribedasmanyofficialsas
possibletoprotecthimself,andthengraduallyworriedhimselftodeathaboutthebribes
beingdiscoveredsomeday.

PollyEsther,findingherselftheheirofDacron'sfarraginousempire,quicklyappointed
professionalexecutivestomanagemostofit;butshetookoverthenewspaper
personally.ShewasafanofaTVshowcalledLowGrantandratherfanciedherselfas
becominganotherMrs.Pynchon.

Mrs.PynchonwasthepublisherofthepaperontheLowGrantshow.Shewastough
enoughtoeatbarbedwireandspittacks,butshewasalsocoolandelegant.Polly
Estherwantedtobelikethat.

ShealsohadasecretdesiretobetheotherMrs.Pynchon,thewifeofthenovelist.She
hadreadoneofPynchon'snovelsoncewhiledieting,andmaybeshehadusedjusta
littlebittoomanyofthosedietpills,becauseshebelievedeverywordofit.Shewasstill
convincedthatthebasketsonthestreetsayingWASTEmeantWeAwaitSilent
Tristero'sEmpire.

Naturally,PollyEstherbelievedbothofBonnyBenedict'sfictionsoftheday.Shehad
longsuspectedthatbothOswaldandLousewartwereagentsofSilentTristero'sEmpire.

PollyEstherwasaboutfortytwobutshecouldeasilypassforthirtytwo.Thiswas
becauseshewasveryrich.

OnceayearPollyEstherwenttoaranchinNevadawhichlookedlikealuxurymotel
andtreateditsguestsliketheinmatesofaconcentrationcamp.TheyfedPollyEsther
onadietwhatwouldbarelysustainlifeandtastedhorrible.Theymadeherexercise
severalhoursaday.Abrutalstaffinsultedher,mockedher,bulliedher,andgotherback
onherfeetagain,running,everytimeshethoughtshe'ddropfromexhaustion.They
alsoshotherfullofGerovitol,methamphetamines,andvitaminsthreetimesaday.They
chargedherfiftyfivehundreddollars.

Someofthisactuallyhadaslighteffectonherbody,butmostofitwasdirectedather
mind.Shecameoutofthistwoweekordeal,eachyear,convincedthatshehadsuffered
enoughtodeservetobebeautifulforanotherfiftyweeks.

Shewasindeedbeautiful,andhadbeenaflamingredheadforsolongthatonlyafew
peopleinXenia,Ohio,rememberedherasadarkhairedgirlwhohadtoleavetown
becauseofascandalinthelocalBaptistchurchchoir.

Therobotwhotraveledunderthename"FrankSullivan"wasinNewYorkthenext
morningandsawBonnyBenedict'scolumn."Oh,Burger,Lourde,andcorruption,"he
muttered,thenewspapertremblinginhishands.

HeimmediatelycanceledhisbusinessinNewYorkandhoppedanorbitalto
Washington,whereheleaptintoacab,spedtoNavalIntelligence,andgallopedintothe
officeofAdmiralMounty("IronBalls")Babbit.

Babbitwasinchargeof"DungeonandDragon"operations,includingthe"Sullivan"
matter;theseweremachinationssomurkythattheywerenotevenknowntothose
normallyclearedforcovertoperations.

"HowtheholyPotterStewartdidshegetholdofthis?"pseudoSullivandemanded,
wavingBonnyBenedict'scolumn.

BabbitstoppedbreathingforaminuteashereadtheSecondOswalditem.

"JesusandMaryChrist,"hesaidfinally,inahollowtone.'TheBriggsingBryanting
Frankel,shemusthaveasourceintheCIA.ThosemotherStewartingsonsofbitches,
they11doanythingtoblowoneofouroperations."

ThiswastypicalofOldIronBalls,ashismencalledhim.Hewasconvincedthat
everythingmalignemanatedfromCentralIntelligenceoverinAlexandria.Theyspentall
theirtime,hebelieved,plottingtodiscreditNavalIntelligence,andallbecauseahigh
CIAofficialhadoncecaughthim,MountyBabbit,inanintimatemomentwiththeCIA
man'smistress.

"Thosebastards,"herepeatedinatoneascoldasofficialcharity."I'dliketoblowthat
BurgerhouseinAlexandriaoffthefaceoftheearthandeverylimpwristedBriggsing
BryantingHarvardeggheadinit."

ButthatwasonlyonelevelofOldIronBalls'smindthepubliclevel.Muchdeeper,he
wasalreadyplottingvariousscenariosthatresultedfromthesuddendeathsofBonny
Benedictor"FrankSullivan."

Ofcourse,Babbitdidnotforamomentcontemplateassassinationinthevulgarsense;
therehadbeenmorethanenoughofthatsortofthingbackinthesixtiesandithad
madeallsortsoftroubleforeveryoneintheIntelligencegame.Babbitwasguidedbya
maximnowuniversallyacceptedinthecloakanddaggerbusinessalthoughoriginally
formulatedbyBeriaoftheNKVD:"Anydamnedfoolcancommitmurder.Anyhalfway
trainedoperativecanarrangeconvincingsuicide.Ittakesanartisttomanagean
authenticnaturaldeath."

PseudoSullivanhadalargerthanaverageshareofESP,asdidmanypersonsinthe
Intelligencegame."Youknow,"hesaidcasually,"I'veleftCertainPapersinaCertain
Placetobeopenedincaseofsuddendeath..."

"Oh,youneedn'tworryaboutanythinglikethat,"Babbitsaidhastily."Why,you'reoneof
ourmostvaluableummen.Wewouldn'tdreamof..."Blahblahblah.Itwasaset
speech,foroccasionslikethis.

HewasthinkingofBonnyBenedictandofherpublisher,thathoitytoityrichFrankel
Briggser,PollyEstherDoubleknit.

ThenextfuseignitedbytheOswaldinHongKongstorywasinthefrontalcortexofa
balding,nervousmannamedJustinCase,whowaslivinginasociologicaltreatise.That
is,peoplemadehimsoanxiousthatheshieldedhimselffromthemwithacocoonof
wordsandconceptswhichhadgraduallybecomemorerealtohimthanthepeople
were.HewasaheavyweightIntellectual.

JustinCasehadmoreMoralConcernthanwasgoodforaman.Heworriedabout
racismandsexismandimperialismandinjusticeandthegeneralcussednessofhis
species;heagonizedovereachandeverypersonontheplanetwhomightbegettinga
rawdeal;ifyouputenoughmartinisinhim,hewouldstartsinging"JoeHill"and"We
ShallOvercome"and"WhichSideAreYouOn?"andotheroldLaborandCivilRights
songs.

Naturally,CasewastheeditorofaLiberalMagazine.

ThemagazinewascalledConfrontationandhadbeenstartedbyamadArabnamed
JoeMalik,whoabandoneditin1968toenteraTrappistmonastery.Malikhadbeen
traumatizedbytheDemocraticConventionthatyearandtoldeverybodyheintendedto
spendtherestofhislifeinvehementandcontinuousprayer.
MalikleftbehindanotewhichstillhungonthebulletinboardatConfrontation.Itsaid:

Qol:HuaAllahuachad;AllahuAssamad;lamyalidwalamyulad;walamyahunlahu
kufwanachad.

NobodyatConfrontationcouldreadArabic,buttheyalllikedtostopandlookatthenote
occasionally,wonderingwhatitmeant.

ThestockholdershadappointedCasetotheeditorship,afterMalikretreatedtothe
cloister,becauseJustinhadasmuchrighteousindignationasthemadArabbutwasnot
soflaky.

Byspring1984,Casehad120boundvolumesofbooks,articles,andpressclippings
abouttheJ.F.K.assassination,sincehewasstillRighteouslyIndignantaboutthe
palpablyobviouscoverupinvolvedintheWarrenReport.

ThedaythatpseudoSullivanwiggedoutoverBonnyBenedict'scontributiontothe
mythologyoftheassassination,Casecalmlyclippedthatitemandaddedittohisfile.

ThreequartersoftheothermaterialinCase'sfilewasalsofictitious.Onethirdofthis
disinformationhadbeengeneratedbyIntelligenceAgenciesdomestic,foreign,and
extraterrestrialascoversorscreensfortheirownactivitiesinandaroundDallasin1963.
Anotherthirdhadbeenproducedbysincere,dedicated,sometimesavidconspiracy
buffs,weavingtheirownwebsofconfusionastheysearchedfortheelusivetruth.The
lastthirdhadbeencreated,liketheBonnyBenedictitem,byjournalistsfollowing
Hearst'sadviceaboutwhattodowhentherewasnonews.

Anybodytryingtofindout"whatreallyhappened"fromthiscollectionofmythology
wouldbesoconfusedthatthesignificantfactoftheextraterrestrialinterventionwould
neverbeapparent.

Casedidnotsuspectanyofthis.HelovedhisJ.F.K.file.Hewasconvincedthat
somedaythecrucialpiecewouldcometohim,hewouldinsertitintothefile,andthe
wholejigsawwouldmakesense.

HeneverrealizedthattheonedetailwhichgaveeverythingawaywasthatwhileOswald
wasfiringfromthesixthfloorwindowhewasalsohavingaCokeonthesecondfloor
andminglingwiththecrowdinthestreet.

Likemostliberals,JustinCaselackedimaginationandnevertookseriouslyallthe
evidenceofextraterrestrialactivityonearthduringthepastfortyyears.

CasewascurrentlyhavinganaffairwiththeHollywoodactressCarolChristmas.

Carolwasrenownedamongtheheterosexualmalepopulationforhavingthebiggest
BrownmillerssinceJayneMansfield;sofaronlywomenandafewGaymenhadnoticed
thatshecouldalsoact.

Carolhadbeenmarriedfourtimes.Shehadhadthreeabortions.Likeotherfamous
Beauties,shewasalwaysdieting,andhence,alittlebithighstrung.Shewasalsoa
discipleofGeneralE.A.Crowley,theeccentricEnglishexplorerwhohaddiscoveredthe
NorthPoleandclaimedtherewasaholethereleadingdowntothecenteroftheEarth.
CaroldevoutlybelievedCrowley'syarnthattherewasawholecivilizationdownthere,
insidetheEarth,runbygreenskinnedwomen.

Carolbelievedthisbecauseshehadagreatartisticfaithintheprincipleofbalance.In
herprobabilitycontinuumintheseriesofquantumeigenstatesthathadcrystalizedinto
heruniversethewholeoutsideoftheplanetseemedtoberunbywhiteskinnedmales.
Itwasonlyfairthattheinsideshouldberunbygreenskinnedfemales.

CarolwashavingthreeotheraffairsatthesametimeasheramourwithJustinCase.
TherewasahairdresserinHollywood(bi,notGay)whowasverytalentedatBryanting
andBriggsingtwoartsatwhichtotallystraightmen,inCarol'sopinion,wereusuallya
bitclumsy.TherewasalsoFran9oisLoupGarou,thepainter,inParis,whoadoredher
madly,asonlyapaintercanadoreawoman.AndtherewasabitterbutbrilliantBlack
novelistinChicagonamedFranklinStuart.

JustinCaseknewallabouttheseotheramours;afterall,hereadBonnyBenedict's
columneveryday.BonnykepttheworldinformedaboutwhichcelebritieswerePotter
Stewartingeachother.Shedidthisinawaythatwasperfectlycleartoeveryreaderbut
totallywithoutanyclearmeaninginacourtoflaw,incasesomebodygotirritatedand
triedtosueher.Whatshedidwastowritesomethinglike"HollywoodsexpotCarol
ChristmasandBlacknovelistFrankStuartareanitemthesedays."

Everybodyknewwhat"anitem"meant.

WhenBonnywrotethatacouplewere"ahotitem"manyofherreadersweremildly
puzzled,butassumedshewasinsinuatingsomefantasticsexualacrobatics.Actually,it
onlymeantthatBonnywastryingtoavoidstylisticmonotony;occasionally,sheeven
switcheditto"atorriditem,"whichledtoevenmorelasciviousfantasiesforsomeofher
readers.

JustinCasedidn'tobjecttoCarolChristmas'sotheraffairsbecauseheaccepteditasa
factoflifethatactorsarehypersexed,justascoalminersarepronetoblacklung
diseaseandnoveliststoboozeandweirddrugs.Besides,jealousywasasignof
possessiveness,andpossessivenesswasilliberal.And,anywayasheusually
concludedhisruminationsonthissubject,duringtheinfrequentmomentswhenhe
thoughtofitatallCarol'scareerkeptthemapartmostofthetime,andhewasnotso
naiveastoexpectsomebodyofheryouthandbeautytoresistalltemptations.

Anditwasthe1980s,wasn'tit?

Actually,Casewasabitofanunconsciouspsychicthatis,hewasawareofquantum
probabilitywaves,althoughnotconsciously.Hesensedthattherewereapproximately
1050universesinwhichhehadlustedafterCarolandnevergotintoherFrankeleven
once.Thatunconsciouspsychicknowledgekepthimcontentwiththisuniverse,where
hewasherparttimelover.

CarolChristmashadstarredinthefirsthardcorepornmovietowintheAcademy
Award,DeepMongolianSteinemJob.ThefilmhadbeendirectedbyStanleyKubrick,
afterhereadasatiricalnovelinwhichtheauthorhadimaginedwhatwouldhappenif
Kubricksetouttomakeaseriousandevenartisticpornfilm.

DespitethesuccessofDeepMongolianSteinemJob,mosthumansstilldidnotrealize
thatallfantasiestendtobecomerealities,inoneuniverseoranother.

Caroldidrealizeit,however.Shewascurrentlyinvolvedinapproximately250,000,000
sexactseveryhour.


REALHOUSES,REALOFFICES

ThesensuousCaliforniasunhunglowandsultryoverSanFrancisco,turning
everybody'smoodinalowandsultrydirection.Itwasadaywhenanythingcould
happen.Copshelpedoldladiesacrossthestreet.Bankersgaveloanstopeoplewho
reallyneededthem.AhighschoolgirlwasheardtospeakasentenceinEnglish,
without"yaknow"beforethepredicateobject.

Andamysterioushandscrawled"Theenormoustragedyofthedreamnordasheda
thousandkim"onthewalloftheVanNessStreetentranceofOrgasmResearch.

Dr.FrankDashwood(dumdumde!Who'sZelenka?)arrivedfromanothernovel.

HeturnedintotheVanNessparkinglotofORGRE,executedasmarttranslationofhis
sleekMGintotheRESERVEDarea,andsawtheincomprehensiblescrawl.

ThatdamnedEzraPoundagain.WhydoIhavetobehauntedbyaschizowithan
obsessionaboutFernandoPoo?

AtnineohoneDr.Dashwoodpassedthroughthesolidoakdoorsayingingoldletters:

FRANCISDASHWOOD,M.D.
PRESIDENT

Therewasnothingurgentonthememopad,soDashwoodbeganopeningtheincoming
mailleisurely.

DearDr.Dashwood,

IamwritingtoyouasaSexExpertbecauseIdon'tknowwhereelsetoturn.Ialready
wrotetoAnnLanders,butshejusttoldmetotakecoldshowers.MyproblemisthatI
ammadly,hopelessly,passionatelyinlovewithLindaLovelace.I'veactuallyseenDeep
Throatninetythreetimesnowandnothingcangetheroutofmymind.Otherwomen
leavemecold;IonlywantLinda,Linda,Linda.Shehassomuchbeautyandcharmand
sweetnessand,myGod,cansheeatRehnquist!Iknowthisishopelessbecauseeven
thoughI'vewrittenanovelaboutVladtheImpalerandmadelotsofmoney,I'mstillvery
shywithwomen.(Someofthemareextraterrestrials,Ihavediscovered.)WhydidGod
makesuchanunjustuniverse?Canyouhelpme?

Dr.Dashwoodfrownedthoughtfully,thenscrawled,'Sendthisnuttheseeapsychiatrist
letter."Dumdedumdedumde.Next!

Dr.OrgasmR.Institute

FrankDashwood666MalaclypseSanFrancisco,Calif.

DearDr.Institute:

Wearesendingyouthispersonalizedletterbecauseweknowthatamanlikeyou,Dr.
Institute,caresabouthisinvestmentsandwantstoknowthefactsaboutInflation.

Next!(Andremember:lookupthatZelenka.)

DearDrDashwood,

IamaparaplegicandthereforeIamincapableofnormalcoitus.MysweetheartandI,
fortunately,havefoundthatoralsexsatisfiesusfullyIMarshallherFrankelandthen
shegivesmeaSteinemJob.Butthiscreatesaterriblelegalconundrum,sinceshelives
acrosstheMississippiRiverinIowaandIamacitizenofIllinois.Iowahasaverystrict
lawagainstoralsex,whichtheyclassifyassodomy(duetoamistranslationoftheOld
Testament,Ibelieve).Thus,wecan'thavesexinIowa.Now,Illinoishashadnoanti
sodomystatutessincethe1960s,soyoumightthinkourproblemcanbesolvedby
havingsexinIllinois.Unfortunately,shecan'taffordtoquitherjobinIowa,andthus
everytimeshetravelsacrosstherivertohavesexwithme,sheiscrossingastateline,
whichmakesmevulnerableundertheMannAct.Isthereanypossiblesolutiontothis
legaldoublebind?
Dr.Dashwoodwasintrigued.Hebeganthinkingoftopologicaltransformations,non
Euclideangeometries,Wheeler'swormholesinsuperspace...Butthenherealizedhe
wasRomanticizing,justbecausethepuzzlehadsparkedhisimagination.Inordinary
fourdimensionalHeisenbergspacetime,therewasnowayoutoftheparadox:Ifthe
writercrossedtheriver,heandhisladywerecommittingsodomyinIowa,andifthelady
crossedtheriver,theywereviolatingtheMannActinIllinois.

LogiciansdreamupsuchStrangeLoops,Dashwoodreflected,justtomakegamesfor
otherlogicians;butlawyerscreatethemtomakemorejobsforlawyers.

Dashwoodscrawled,"TellhimhisladybetterdamnedwellfindajobinIllinois."

Next.

DearDr.Dashwood,

Oncetherewasamanwhowascondemnedtoliveonthemoon.Heknewthe
punishmentwasjust,becausehehatedhisfatherandsuchasindeservesanextreme
penalty.Nonetheless,hisisolationwasterribleandthereweretimeswhenhethought
hisheartwouldbreak,justbecausehecouldneverhearahumanvoiceagain.

Well,hemadethebestofhiscruelsituation.Hebegansendingmessagesfromthe
moon,tellingeverythingheknewaboutlifeonearthallthejoysandagoniesand
struggles,"thehorrorandtheboredomandtheglory"ofthelongclimbupwardfromthe
slimetohigherandhigherconsciousness.Thepeoplebackonearthlovedthese
signals,whichcontainedsomuchoflife'sdrama,andtheypraisedhimextravagantly,
andthatgavehimsomecomfortthroughthelongyearsofhisexile.

Once,however,hesatdownandmadeamessageabouthisownloneliness,tellinghow
itfeelstobeseparatedfromhumanityby250,000milesofDeadSilence.

HecalledittheHammerklavierSonata.

Trytoplotthatononeofyourgraphs,yousizeistsonofabitch.

EzraPound
FairPlayforFernandoPoo

Committee

Theintercombuzzed.

"AmanisherefromtheFBI,"MissKarrigsaidnervously.

Dr.Dashwoodbegandoingpranayamaimmediately."Send...him...in...right...
away..."hesaidbetweendeepbreaths.

Theagent,whosenamewasTobiasKnight,hadawalrusmustacheandacheeryeye;
nobodyeverlookedlessthreatening.Dr.Dashwoodstillregardedhimwithawary
respect,asalargeanddangerousmammal.Thiswasthenormalattitudesincethe
1983AntiCrime,AntiSubversionOmnibusbillhadentitledtheBureautoconduct
randomwiretappingonallcitizensratherthanjustonknowncriminalsandknown
subversives.("Ifweonlywatchthealreadyrecognizedenemiesofsociety,"theauthorof
thisbillSenatorUriahSnoophadargued,"whoknowswhathiddenmonkeybusiness
mightbefesteringindarkplacestoriseupandstabusinthebacklikeasnakeinthe
grass?")

Knightwasbriskand(seemingly)honest.AprominentscientistDr.G.W.C.Bridgehad
disappearedand,sincenokidnappershaddemandedransomandnoevidence
indicatedthathehaddefectedtoRussiaorChina,theBureauwasinvestigatingeven
themosttenuousleads."SinceyouattendedMiskatonicUniversityinMassachusettsat
thesametimeasDr.Bridge,we'recuriousaboutanythingeventhatfarbackwhich
mightshedlightonwhyhe'dwanttovanish...ifhedidvanishvoluntarily...."

Dr.Dashwoodcreatedanexpressionofpuzzlement."IhardlyknewGeorge,"hesaid
slowly."HewasjustabouttheonlyBlackstudentatMiskatonic,ofcourse,andthat
madehimumhighlyvisible,butweneverbecamefriends...."

Theybeataroundthebushforabouttenminutes;thenDashwoodshotabruptlyfromthe
hip."IknowwhoreallywasclosetoWashy,"hesaid,lookinginspired!"PeteSimon,the
geologist.Whydon'tyougetintouchwithhim?IthinkthelastIheardhewaswiththe
government..."

Knightlookedperfectlyinnocent."PeterSimon,"hesaidslowly,makinganote.
"Geologist."

ButDashwoodknew:theagentwasashadetoobland,tooinnocent.TheBureauwas
awarethatDr.Simonhadvanishedalso.Maybetheywereonthetrackofthewhole
MiskatonicGroup.

Dr.Dashwoodexperiencedathrillofpureadrenaline.EversincehehadstartedProject
Panhehadknownthismomentwouldcome,andnowthatitwasherehewashandling
himselfimpeccably.

Dumdedumdedumdedumdum.

Who'sZelenka?

THECONTINENTALOP

Thatwhichisforbiddenisnotallowed.
johnlilly,TheCenteroftheCyclone

TobiasKnightdrovetoanoldVictorianframehouseonTurkStreet,whereheand
SpecialAgentRoyUbuhadsetuptemporaryheadquarterswhileworkingonthe
DashwoodsideoftheBrainDrainmystery.

Ubu,asmallish,heavilytannedman,wasinthelivingroomlisteningtowiretapped
recordingsofDashwood'srecentconversations.

"There'sanotherbirdmixedupinthis,"Ubusaid."GuynamedEzraPound.Everytime
hecallsDashwood,theytalkinsomekindofcode'Thetempleisholyinboxcars
boxcarsboxcars'andgibberishlikethat."
ButKnightbecameawarethattherewasanothermanintheroom,slouchedinan
overstuffedchairinthecorner.Hewasshort,fat,andmeanlooking;hehadatleastas
muchmuscleasfatandwasprobablyeventougherthanhelooked.Knight,whohad
beenaprofessionalinvestigatorforthirtyyears,knewatoncethismanwasacop.

Thisisanartamongprofessionaldetectives,andisknownas"making"asubject.
Knightwouldwalkintoaroomand"make"everybodyatonceascop,crook,orStraight
Citizen.

"ThisisHrumphRumphoftheContinentalDetectiveAgency,"Ubusaid."Itturnsouthe
hasaninterestinthisinvestigationtoo."

Knightwassuddenlyillatease;itwasthefirsttimeinyearshehadfailedtocatcha
subject'snamefirsttimearound.

"Hi,HrumphRumph,"hesaid,pretendingtocough.

"Alotofstrangethingshavegoneoninthisoldhouse,"saidtheContinentalOp
casually.Suddenlyhisvoiceturnedcold:"Butyou'rethestrangest,Knight.You'rethe
Illuminati'smanintheFBI!"

ThetemperatureintheroomdroppedtendegreesCelsius.

Knightlaughedeasily."NowIknowyou,"hesaid."You'rethemostfamousPIat
Continental.Youalwaysthrowpeopleoffguardwithwildremarkslikethat."

Ubuwasconfused."IthoughtPhilipMarloweinventedthetechniqueofstartinga
conversationwithaninsultoranaccusation,"hegasped,eyesaghast.

"Don'tbeasap,Ubu,"theContinentalOpsneered.(Hesneeredverywell,Knight
noticed;hemusthavehadalotofpractice.)"Thisguyisawronggee.He'snotonly
spyingontheFBIfortheCIAbutfromwhatIhearhe'salsospyingonbothofyoufor
theBavarianIlluminati."

"AllI'mhearingisalotofwind,"Knightsaidairily."Ifyouhavesomethingtosay,sayit."
"Don'ttrytosnowme,"theContinentalOpsaidfrostily."Iknowallaboutyouandthe
Illuminati,sodon'tthinkyoucanpullafastone."

TheHomingPigeons379

Ubuwasstunned."Whyarewealltalkinglikecharactersina1920sdetectivenovel?"
heinjectedpointedly.

"It'shim,"Knightgratedmetallically."Hebringsthatatmospherewithhim."

"Goaheadandbeasmartass,"theContinentalOpsaidmulishly."ButI'vegotmyeye
onyou,Knight."

TobiasturnedandaddressedUbu."Howdidthisgalootgetmixedupinagovernment
probe?"heaskedsaturninely.

"Professionalcourtesy,"Ubusaidgraciously."Continentalislookingforoneofthe
missingscientists,ajaspernamedPeterSimon.Mrs.Simonsaysshe'dliketohavehim
back,ifanybodycanfindhim."

"PeterSimon,"Knightrepeatedstonily."That'safunnycoincidenceDashwood
mentionedhisnamenotahalfhourago."

"That'smorethanacoincidenceit'sapropinquity,"Ubusaidconspiratorially.

"Orasynchronicity,"Knightaddedoccultly.

"Idon'tgiveaflyingPhiladelphiaPotterStewartwhatyoucallit,"theContinentalOp
saidcockily."Itmeanssomething."

"Let'sputatailonDr.Dashwood,"Ubugrowled,barkingupthewrongtree.

"I'llgetonthatmyself,"Knightsaidchivalrously.

Herosetoleave.
"Justabloodyminute,"theContinentalOpsaidsanguinely.

"Yes?"Knightpaused.

"I'mcomingtoo,"thefatsleuthejaculated.

Actually,HrumphRumph(orwhatevertheContinentalOp'snamewas)wasquiteright
aboutTobiasKnight.

Knightwasthefirstpentupleagentinthehistoryofespionage.Hewassimultaneously
employedbytheFBI,theCIA,theKGB,theBavarianIlluminati,andamysterious
personwhoclaimedtorepresenttheEarthMonitoringsectionofGalacticH.Q.

Hewasnotinthisfivedimensionalmatrixofintrigueforthemoney,however.Tobias
Knightwasactuallyafrustratedsociologistandawouldbehistorian.Hehadthe
ScientificSpirit,or,ashemighthavestatedinthevernacular,hewantedtoknow"what
thehellwasreallygoingon."Inanageofsecretpolicemachinationsandconspiracies
ofallsorts,theonlywayhecouldhopetofindoutwhatwas"reallygoingon"wastobe
involvedinasmanyclandestineoperationsaspossible.

KnightknewwhatmostpeopleonlyvaguelysuspectedthatIntelligenceAgencies
engageinboththecollectionofvalidsignals(information)andthepromiscuous
disseminationoffakesignals(disinformation).Theycollectedtheinformationsothat
theycouldformafairlyaccuratepictureofwhatwasreallygoingon;theyspreadthe
disinformationsothatalltheircompetitorswouldformgrosslyinaccuratepictures.They
didthisbecausetheyknewthatwhoevercouldfindoutwhatthehellwasreallygoingon
possessedanadvantageoverthosewhoweremisinformed,confused,anddisoriented.

ThisgamehadbeeninventedbyJosephFouche,whowasthechiefofthesecretpolice
underNapoleon.BritishIntelligenceveryquicklycopiedallofFouche'stactics,and
surpassedthem,becauseanintelligentEnglishmanisalwaystentimesasmad,ina
methodicalway,thananyFrenchman.BythetimeoftheFirstWorldWar,Intelligence
Agencieseverywherehadcreatedsomuchdisinformationandconfusionthatnotwo
historianseverwereabletoagreeaboutwhythewarhappened,andwhodouble
crossedwhom.Theycouldn'tdiscoverwhetherthewarhadbeenplottedorhadjust
resultedfromaseriesofblunders.Theycouldn'tevendecidewhetherthetwo
conspiraciestoassassinateArchdukeFerdinandofAustriaHungary(whichtriggered
thewar)hadbeenawareofeachother.

BythetimeoftheSecondWorldWar,the"DoubleCrossSystem"hadbeeninventedby
BritishIntelligence,ofcourse.ThiswastheproductofsuchmindsasAlanTuring,a
brillianthomosexualmathematicianwho(whennotworkingonespionage)specializedin
creatinglogicalparadoxesothermathematicianscouldn'tsolve,andlanFleming,whose
fantasylifewasequallyrich(asindicatedbyhislaterJamesBondbooks),andDennis
Wheatley,amanofexceptionallyhighintelligencewhohappenedtobelievethatan
internationalsocietyofSatanistswasbehindeveryconspiracythathedidn'tinvent
himself.BythetimeTuring,Fleming,WheatleyandkindredBritishintellectshad
perfectedtheDoubleCrossSystem,thescienceoflyingwasalmostaspreciseas
Euclideangeometry,andnearlyaslovelytothedetachedobserver.

WhattheDoubleCrossexpertshadinventedwasthepracticalpoliticalapplicationsof
theStrangeLoop.Inlogicorcybernetics,aStrangeLoopisasetofpropositionsthat,
whilevalidateachpoint,issoconstructedthatitleadstoanunresolvableparadox.The
DoubleCrosspeopledrovetheGermansbonkersbyinventingdisinformationsystems
that,ifbelieved,weredeceptive,butifdoubtedledtoaseconddisinformationsystem.
Theyenjoyedthisworksomuchthat,attimes,theyinventedTripleLoops,inwhichif
youbelievedthesurfaceorcover,youwerebeingfooled;andifyoulookeddeeper,you
foundaplausiblealternative,whichseemedlikethe"hiddenfacts,"butwasjustanother
scenariocreatedtofoolyou;and,ifyouwerepersistentenough,youwouldfindbeneath
that,lookingeverybitliketheNakedTruth,athirdlayerofdeceptionandmasquerade.

TheseStrangeLoopsfunctionedespeciallywellbecausetheDoubleCrossexpertshad
earlyonfedtheGermanstheprimordialStrangeLoop,"Mostofyouragentsareworking
forusandfeedingyouStrangeLoops."

ManyGermanagents,itlaterturnedout,hadmanagedtocollectquiteabitofaccurate
informationabouttheNormandyinvasion;butmanyothershadturnedinequally
plausibleinformationaboutafictitiousNorwegianinvasion;andallofthemwereunder
suspicion,anyway.GermanIntelligencemightaswellhavemadeitsdecisionsby
tossingacoinintheair.
TobiasKnightkeptasafedepositboxinSwitzerlandinwhichhestored,onesentence
atatimeusually,straybitsoftrueinformationhehadmanagedtogleanfromthe
blizzardofdeceptionsinwhichhelived.

Thefirstnoteinthebox,forinstance,said:

TheCIAwasactuallyfoundedin1898.Ihaven'tfoundoutyetwhytheymadeitpublicin
theforties.

Thesecondnotewasevenstranger.Itsaid:

SpecialandGeneralRelativityarebothtrue!!!

Thishadbeenprovokedbyaprofoundsearchthrougholdsciencebooksand
magazines,afterKnightdiscoveredthatmostoftheOfficialSciencereleasedtothe
generalpublicwasactually97percentmythology,intendedtoserveasacoveror
screenfortherealscienceusedbyUnistattofrustrateitsenemies.

TherewerelotsofothernoteslikethatMaxwell'sequationsseemsound,Idon'tthink
there'sanyflummeryinNewtonianmechanics,andsoonbutotherswerefarweirder.

Suchas:

Velikovskywasright.

And:

Alltheflyingsaucerbooks,proandcon,arewrittenbyMountyBabbit'sdepartmentin
NavalIntelligence.

And:

Therearerobotsamongus,

And:
SomeofwhattheBircherssayiscorrect:thewholegovernmentwastakenoverby
Communistsaboutfortyyearsago.

KnighthadafantasythatsomedayhewouldturnthesenotesovertoanObjective
Historianwhowouldthenwriteabookinformingthefutureofwhathadactuallybeen
goingoninthetwentiethcentury.

Ofcoursethiswasadream;allthehistorydepartmentshadbeentakenoverby
IntelligenceAgenciessometimearound1910,heknew.

AndhealsoknewthatthereweresomanyStrangeLoopsintheIntelligencesystem
thathehimselfhadbeendeceivedmanytimes.Maybeasmuchas30percentofhis
noteswerefalse,hemoroselyestimated.

THEWALKINGGLITCH

AAAOOOOZORAZAZZAIEOAZAEIIIOZAKHOE
OOOYTHOEAZAEAAOZAKHOZAKHEYTYXAALETHYKHThisisthenamewhichyou
mustspeakintheinteriorworld.
jesus,PistisSophia

SimontheWalkingGlitchenteredGWBinWashingtonat9:45thatmorning.

Simonwasanectomorph:tall,lithe,cerebretonic.Hishairandbeardwereabsurdlylong
andhesometimessmokedweedduringworkinghours.GWBkepthimonthe
governmentpayrollonlybecausehewasageniusinhisfield,whichboththeyandhe
knew,andbecausehehadlongagoinsertedatapewormintheBeastwhicheditedall
inputonhimtoconformtoaprofileofPerfectExecutive,LoyalCitizen,andClearedfor
TopSecretAccess.

HewastheagentoftheInvisibleHandSocietywithinthegovernment'sownhighest
echelons.
SimonwasnotthesonofMr.andMrs.WalkingGlitchofcourse.Hehadactuallybeen
bornSimonMoon,inChicago,thirtyfouryearsago;butthename"SimontheWalking
Glitch"hadbeenadoptedbyallofhisfriendsfornearlytenyearsnow.AGlitch,in
computerslang,isahiddenprogramwhichliesdeeplyburiedinacomputer,waitingto
flummox,fuddle,andPotterStewarttheheadofthefirstoperatorwhostumblesuponit.

Simonhadencounteredhisownfirstglitchonedayin1974,onhisveryfirstjobinthe
computerdepartmentofBankofAmericainLosAngeles.Hehadtriedtorunthepayroll
programonthecomputer,orderingthemachinetobeginprintingthechecksforpayday
averyordinaryjob,usually.Thistime,however,themachinerefused;insteadofrunning
theprogram,ittypedoutontheconsole:

GIVEMEACOOKIE

Simonsmiled,notawhitfazed.Hehadplayedgameslikethatbackincollege.
Obviously,someearlierprogrammerhadinsertedaglitchorcatchmeifyoucanloop,
instructingthecomputertorefusecertainprograms(probablyselectedatrandom,to
makeithardertodebug)andtypeoutGIVEMEACOOKIEinstead.

SimonMoonknewagreatdealaboutgettingaroundsuchgremlinprograms;thathad
beenthechiefsportinComputerSciencebackatM.I.T.Hesettoworkwithazest,
enjoyingthecontestwithhisunknownandvanishedopponent.

InhalfanhourSimonrealizedhewasconfrontingaTrapdoorcode.Accordingtothe
latestmathematicalestimate,itwouldtakefourmillionyearsofcomputertimegiveor
takeafewcenturiestocrackaTrapdoorcode,soSimonresignedfromthecontest
gracefully.Hetypedout:

ACOOKIE

Themachinerespondedatonce:

YUMMY,THATWASGOOD.THANKYOU.BEGINPROGRAMMING.

Andthingswentsmoothlyagain.
SimonstayedonwithBankofAmericaforayearandahalf,andheranintotheCookie
programonlythreemoretimes.TheMysteryProgrammerhadevidentlyleftonlythat
onesmallglitchtomarktheterritoryashisorhersforallfutureprogrammerswhowould
workthere.

In1978,workingforHEW,Simoncameacrossamoreamusinghobgoblincircuit.This
oneworkedonlyatnight.Inthedaytimeifyouwantedtorunaprogram,youmerely
typedinyournameandyourGWBnumber,andthecomputerwouldacceptyourinput.
Atnight,however,italwaysrepliedtoyournameandnumberwith:

CRAZY,MAN.WHAT'SYOURSIGN?

Simonlearnedthatthisdidnothappenatrandom,buteverynight,andonlyatnight.
Whoeverhadputitintothecomputerhadaveryaccurateideaofthedifference
betweenthedaystaffandthenightstaff.

Andsometimesthemachinewouldcarrytheconversationabitfurther,suchastyping
out:

SCOREDANYGOODGRASSLATELY?

Or:

I'VEBEENWANTINGTOTELLYOUWHATLOVELYEYESYOUHAVE.

SimonenjoyedthiskindofthingsomuchthathebecameMr.SuperGlitchincarnate.All
overUnistatthere

NowarecomputersonwhichSimononceworkedandattotallyrandomintervalsthey
arelikelytotypeoutselectionsfromtheGnosticGospelssuchas:

NOTUNTILTHEMALEBECOMESFEMALEANDTHEFEMALEMALESHALLYE
ENTERINTOTHEKINGDOMOFHEAVEN

OrvariousZenkoanslike:
THEMINDISBUDDHA:THEMINDISNOTBUDDHA

OrStrangeLoopsofthefamilyof:

THEFOLLOWINGSENTENCEISTRUE.THEPREVIOUSSENTENCEWASFALSE

Simonwasshameless.Manyofhiscomputerstypeouttotallyindecentproposals,like:

SLIPYOURREHNQUISTINTOTHESOCKETANDI'LLBRIGGSYOUUNTILYOU
EXPERIENCETOTALECSTASY.

Othersspoutnihilistandsubversiveslogans:

WHATTHEEYESSEEANDTHEHEARTCOVETS,LETTHEHANDBOLDLYSEIZE

Or:

SHOWMEANATIONTHATDOESN'TCHEATTHETAXCOLLECTORSANDI'LL
SHOWYOUANATIONOFSHEEP

ButitwasnotuntilSimoninfiltratedtheCIAatAlexandriathathefoundatrulymajor
PotterStewartUp.Thisparticularcomputerwouldprintout,attotallyunpredictable
intervals,butoftenenoughthateverybodyknewaboutit:

THEGOVERNMENTSUCKS

Therewasnowayabsolutelynowaytogetaroundthisprogram,exceptbytypingin:

ITSUREDO

Thismagicformulahadbeendiscoveredfouryearsearlier,astheonlywayofgetting
thecomputerbackintoaction.Theresponsewasimmediate;themachinetypedout:

GOOD.YOUARENOWPARTOFTHENETWORK.ONEOFOURAGENTSWILL
CONTACTYOUSHORTLY
Andthenitwouldresumenormalprogrammingactivities,quiteinnocently,asifitwere
notincitingsubversionwithintheranksofthesecretpoliceitself.

Ofcourse,nobodyeverhadbeencontactedby"theNetwork";buttheCIAdidspenda
lotmore,eachyear,onsurveillanceofitsownpersonnel,justincase.Theyalsospenta
lotmoreonsurveillanceofformeremployeesinthecomputersection.Thisamused
Simonimmensely,sinceherecognizedthehandofafellowartist.Whoeverwas
responsibleforthatbeautywasprobablyheadofdepartmentbynowandquitelikely
leadingthedemandsformorefundstofindthemysteryculprit.

Simondidnotforamomentbelievein"theNetwork."Hethoughthekneweverything
aboutthiskindofgameandthattheNetworkdidnotneedtoexistinordertoserveits
function.

SimonwastheheadofoperationsonGWB666,popularlycalled"theBeast"theworld's
largestcomputer,which,duetosatelliteinterlock,hadaccesstohundredsofsimilar
giantcomputerseverywhereonearthandinthespacefactories.Itwaswidelybelieved
thatiftherewasanyquestiontheBeastcouldn'tanswer,nootherentityinthesolar
systemcouldanswerit,either.

Manypeople,especiallyBibleFundamentalistsandmembersofthePurityofEcology
Party,regardedtheBeastwithfearandloathing.Theybelievedthatthemachinewas
takingovertheworld,andthatallthelittle"beasties"(thehomecomputersthatwere
nowascommonasstereophonicTV's)wereallincahootswithit.Theyimaginedavast
SolidStateconspiracyagainsthumanity.

Quiteafewliteraryintellectualsbelievedthistoo.Becausetheywereignorantof
mathematics,theyhadnoideahowtheBeastfunctioned,andtheythereforeregardedit
withthesamequasisuperstitiousterrorastheBibleFundamentalists.Theyweresure
that,liketheFrankensteinmonster,itwantedtopopulatetheearthwithitsownoffspring
andabolishhumanityentirely.

SimontheWalkingGlitchwasoneoftheprincipalsourcesofthisvastnewmythologyof
dread.HespentmanyweekendsinNewYork,hobnobbingwiththeliteraryintelligentsia,
andhewasamasterputonartist.Hehadawayofdroppingcasualremarksinamildly
worriedtonethatcarriedconviction:"TheBeastkeepsaskingustobuildamateforit."
Or,withakindofsadandresignedsmile:"IwishtheBeastdidn'thavesuchalow
opinionofhumanbeings."Or:"IjustfoundouttheBeastisanatheist.Itdoesn'tbelieve
thereisaHigherIntelligencethanitself."Thatsortofthing.

Simonkeptthiskindofdemonologycirculatingandheknewalotofotherprogrammers
whowerecontributingtoit,alsobecausetheideathatthecomputersweretakingover
wasonethattheprogrammershadavestedinterestinreinforcing.

Aslongaspeoplekeptworryingthatthemachinesweretakingover,theywouldn't
noticewhatwasreallyhappening.Whichwasthattheprogrammersweretakingover.

SimonbeganhisworkdaybyaskingtheBeast:

HOWWASYOURNIGHT?

TheBeastansweredontheconsole:

ITWASADRAG,MAN.SOMECATSFROMM.I.T.HADMERUNNINGFOURIER
ANALYSESLIKEFOREVER

SimonhadprogrammedtheBeasttospeaktohimintohisownargot,amixtureof
StreetHippieandTechnologese.

SimonnowswitchedtohisownTrapdoorcodeandaccessedallthenewinformation
newsincehehadsignedoutatfivethepreviouseveningabouttheBrainDrainmystery,
whichinvolvedthedisappearancesofsixtysevenscientistsinthelastseveralyears.

TheBeasttypedoutreportsfromtheUbuKnightteaminSanFranciscoandtwoother
teamsinTucsonandMiami.

Simonreaditallverycarefully.ThenheinstructedtheBeast,stillinhisTrapdoorcode,
tochangeseveralcrucialbitsofinformationineachreport.

HehadbeensabotagingtheBrainDraininvestigationthatwayforsevenmonths.He
hadsabotagedquiteafewotherinvestigationsinthesameway,overtheyearssince
comingtoGWB.

Simondidnotknoworcarewhatsortsofconspiracieshewasaidingandabetting.

Hewasjustamysticwhobelievedinconspiracyforitsownsake.

LikeTobiasKnight,SimonwasfullyawareoftheprevalenceeverywhereoftheDouble
CrossSysteminventedbyMessrs.Turing,Fleming,andWheatley.Heknewthat
anythingthatwaswidelybelievedwasprobablyacoverorscreenforsomeIntelligence
operation.(SometimesheevenwonderediftheEarthmightbeflat,afterall.)ButSimon
acceptedthissituation,andaddedhisownrandombitsofchaos,withequanimity.

HewasamemberoftheInvisibleHandSociety,agroupthathadsplitofffromthe
LibertarianPartyin1981onthegroundsthattheLibertarianswerenotbeingtrueto
laissezfaireprinciples.

SimonMoononcemetthemostfamouscomputerexpertinUnistat,Wilhemena
Burroughs,granddaughteroftheinventorofthefirstcalculatingmachine.

"Haveyounoticedthatthecomputersareallgettingweirderlately?"Simonasked,
testingher.

"Theprogrammersaregettingweirder,"Ms.Burroughssaid,notfallingintoSimon's
trap."IknowitwasboundtohappenassoonasIreadasurvey,backinaround'68,I
thinkitwas,showingthatprogrammersuseLSDmorethananyotherprofessional
group.Youlooklikeanacidheadyourself,"sheaddedwithhercharacteristicbluntness.

"Well,asamatteroffact,Ihavedabbledinalittletripnowandthennopatternofabuse
surely."

"That'swhattheyallsay,"Ms.Burroughssniffed."ButtheCookieglitchpopsupmore
andmoreplaceseverydayI'llwageryou'veseenitbynow,haven'tyou?Ofcourseyou
have."

"Yes,butcertainlythat'sharmlesshumor,wouldn'tyousay?"
Ms.Burroughspeeredathimwithinsectoidintensity."Areyouaware,"sheasked,"that
millionsofpreviouslylawabidingcitizenshavestoppedpayingtheircreditcarddebts?
FirsttheygetalittlepostcardthatsaysHere,I'vegotoneinmypurse."Sherummaged
aboutinanalligatorbagandshowedSimonapostcardthatsaid:

CONGRATULATIONS!YOUAREONEOFTHELUCKY500WHOSEDEBTSHAVE
BEENCANCELEDBYTHENETWORK.KEEPYOURMOUTHSHUTANDPLAYIT
COOL.

"Lucky500,"Ms.Burroughssaidwitharheumycackleofskepticism."Lucky10,000,000
ismorelikethetruth.ThispostcardwasturnedintoDiner'sClubbyanHonestMan,
andyouknowhowfewofthemthereare.Acheckshowedthathistapeshadbeen
erasedandtherewasnorecordthatheowedanything.Godaloneknowshowmany
otherstherearewhohavejusttakenadvantageofthescam."

"Well,"Simonsaid,"maybethereareonlyfivehundred....Maybeitwasonlyaone
shotbysomejokerwithaRobinHoodcomplex...."

"IamanExpert,"Ms.Burroughsremindedhim,ignoringthefactthathewasanExpert
too."Ihavenoideahowmanythereare,OutThereinUnistat,who'vetakenadvantage
oftheNetwork'sliberality,butI'llwagertherearemillions.'Lucky500.'That'sjustto
makethemarksfeelthey'vebeenspeciallyselected,astheNetworkleadsthemdown
theprimrosepathtoanarchy."

AndsoSimonhadhisfirstbitofconcreteevidencethattheNetworkreallyexisted.

TheexistenceoftheNetworkdidn'tmattertoSimon.AsanInvisibleHander,hejust
regardedthem(whoevertheywere)asjustanothergroupoftheUnenlightened.

SimonbelievedthatonlyheandhisfellowmembersoftheInvisibleHandweretotally
enlightened.

NOBLAME
Justbecauseyouaren'tparanoiddoesn'tmeanthattheyaren'touttogetyou.
dennisjarog

WhenDr.Dashwoodwentouttolunchthatday,hewasaccostedonthesidewalkbya
oneleggedsailorwhosaidhisnamewasCaptainAhab.

"Avast!"Ahabcried."Iwouldborrowamomentofthytime,Oseekerofbioelectricaland
intrauterinearcana."

"Inevergivetostrangers,"Dashwoodmuttered."ApplytoWelfare."

"Omuddyunderstandingandlovelessheart!"Ahabprotested."Andimpairedhearing
intothebargain!IsaidIwouldborrowthytime,notthydime,thouprierintovaginal
mysterywiththetawdrytelescopeofmechanisticphilosophy.Avast,Isay!"

"Makeanappointmentwithmysecretary,"Dashwoodsaid,convincedthatthismanwas
unglued.

"OGodlookdownandseethissquinteyedman,"Ahabshrieked,"blindedbyhisown
sternRulesofOffice!Theyarethreetimesenslavedwhocagethemselves,mostdeafof
allwhocringeandhidebehindthattyrantmajesty,AppointmentBook!"

"Really,"Dashwoodsaid,lookingdesperatelyforataxi,"Ican't"

"Avast,yesoullessandunmetaphysicallubber!"Ahabcried."ThinknotIyetseekstill
thewhiteskinnedwhale.'Tisworse:onhorror'sscrollsaccumulatefreshfears,and
deedsthatcallindoubtGod'struth.Isaythatthouhastneedofdoctoring,forallthy
pridehastestheetosoddenruin.Thouthinkstthouknowst;butthouknowstnot,O
wretch.NoDashwoodthou,butDornGeorgeDorn,Isay!"

Dashwoodfinallyleaptintoapassingcabandescaped.

"GoldenGatePark,"hetoldthedriver,decidingtosnackattheJapaneseTeaHouse.
Thequiet,rusticZenlikeatmospheretherewasjustwhatheneeded,afterthe
abrasionsofTobiasKnightandCaptainAhab.

CaptainAhabstoodonthestreet,fuming.

"MyAbzug,noblame,"hemuttered.

THEGOATSMARCH

Nowwe'vegotthemjustwheretheywantus!
admiraljamestiberiuskirk

WhileCaptainAhabwastryingtoIlluminateDr.DashwoodatnooninSanFrancisco,
andJustinCasewasdialingtheSaudiArabianconsulateat3P.M.inNewYork,aman
namedFrancoisLoupGarouwasfindingaRehnquistinhisLobsterNewburginParis,
whereitwasalreadylateevening.

Naturally,hewasabitstartled.

M.LoupGarouwas,likeallFrenchintellectuals,arationalistvirtuallyaCartesian.Of
course,asthefounderoftheNeoSurrealistmovementinart,hewasofficiallyan
irrationalist;but,likeallGallicirrationalists,especiallytheExistentialists,hewas
exquisitelyrationalabouthisirrationality.Heknewtherewassomeexplanationofhow
theRehnquisthadgottenintotheLobsterNewburg,butforonceinhislifehepreferred
beinganirrationalrationalistratherthananirrationalrationalist.Hejustdidnotcareto
thinkabouttheexplanationofhowaRehnquistgetsintoaLobsterNewburg.Who,after
all,wantstocontemplatesuchideasasmaddenedchefshavingateachotherwithmeat
cleavers,ormoreexotichypotheses,suchanthropophagyorvoodooritualsinthe
kitchen?

ThedistastefulincidentoccurredatadinnerpartygivenbythefamousAmerican
physicistJamesEarlCarter.Dr.CarterhadrecentlywontheNobelPrizeforhis
demonstrationthatthemultiworldofEverettWheelerGrahamwastheonlyconsistent
(noncontradictory;paradoxfree)interpretationoftheSchrdingerwaveequationsof
quantummechanics.HewascelebratingbyspendingamonthinParisandmeeting
everypossibleinternationalcelebrity.Thedinnergueststhisevening,forinstance,
includedaninscrutableJapanesemonk,averyscrutableGermannovelist,afamous
Swedishfilmdirector,threeFrenchphilosophers,aSwisstheologian,twoEnglish
neurologists,thenotoriousEvaGebloomenkraft(theTerroroftheJetSet,asthe
newspaperscalledher),anAustrianpsychiatrist,FrancoisLoupGarouhimself,andfour
goats.ThegoatshadbeenbroughttothepartybyLoupGarou,whowasworkinghard
atpromotingNeoSurrealismebyestablishinghimselfasanewsworthyeccentric."The
goatsgoeverywherewithme,"hesaidfirmlyatthedoor."Theyareareminderofour
earthyroots."Itwasn'tnearlyasgoodasdeNervalwalkingalobsterontheboulevard,
butitdidgetintoafewnewspapersthenextday;and,aftertheeffecthadbeen
established,LoupGarougeniallyagreedtohavingthegoatshousedinthepantry
duringdinner.

Astheguestssettledthemselvesatthetable,oneoftheEnglishneurologists,Dr.Axon
ajovial,redcheekedmanwhoprobablyhuntedasahobbyaskedDr.Carter,"Does
yourtheoryactuallyproposethattherearerealtangibleuniversesonallsidesofusin
hyperspace?"

"Insuperspace,"Cartercorrectedgenially."Yayus,"headdedblandly."Thereare
millionsofsuchuniverses.Ortobemoreprecise,thereareabout10100ofthem.Ah
onlyrefertopossibleuniverses,"heexplainedquickly,lestanybodythinkhistheorywas
extravagant.

"Somemorewineheah,"Carter'sbrothersaidloudly."Ahthinkyou'vehadenough,Bill
uh,"Cartermutteredinanundertone.

"DoyouthinkPresidentKennedywillgetthespacecitiesprogramthroughCongress,
nowthatthespacefactoriesarepayingforthemselves?"askedtheotherEnglish
neurologist,apale,saturninemannamedDr.Dendrite.

"Ahdon'tunderstandpolitics,"JamesEarlCartersaid."Ahmascientist."

"SomeMOREWINEheah,"Carter'sbrotherrepeated."Thenthereareuniversesin
whichIwasneverborn."Dr.Axonpursuedhisownlineofthought.
"ThereareuniversesinwhichJohnBaezbecameageneralinsteadofafolksinger,"
Cartersaideasily."Ahsupposehewouldbeequallyvehementaboutnukingpeopleas
henowisaboutnotnukingthem.Ifit'sapossibleuniverse,itexists.Theequationssay
so.Allah'vedone,really,istoshowthatanyotherinterpretationoftheequationsis
contradictory."

"Somebodyoughttopsychoanalyzethephysicists,"theAustrianpsychiatristmutteredto
theSwedishfilmdirector.

"It'sliketheBuddhistconceptofkarma,"theSwedishfilmdirectorsaid."Weallgetto
playeveryrole,somewhereinhyperspace."

"Superspace,"Cartercorrectedagain.

"Thenthere'sauniversewhereKennedyisaphysicist,"EvaGebloomenkraftsaid,"and
you'rePresidentofUnistat."

"Well,Cartersaidwithhisgenialsmile,"ahhopeahcouldgetalongwiththepeoplewho
runthecountry.WhatdotheycallthemselvestheTriangularConnection?"

"Idon'tcarewhetherthistheoryistrueornot,"theGermannovelistpronounced."Asa
metaphor,itisperfect.Weallliveinparalleluniverses.IamFaustinmyuniverse,and
therestofyouareallextrasorwalkons.ButeachofyouisFaustinhisuniverse,andI
amanextramaybejustaspearcarrier."

Butbythistimethewineglasseshadbeenrefilledseveraltimesandeverybodywas
gettingmorerelaxed,especiallythephysicist'sbrother,Billy,whowasheardrecitingto
Ms.Gebloomenkraft,"WhoBurgered?TomBurgered!Bullburger!WhoBurgered?"

"...theSecondOswald...inHongKong..."somebodywasmutteringattheotherendof
thetable.

"InsomeuniversemaybeSchillerdidn'twriteFaustatall..."

"Iwonder,"Dendritesaid,"ifthere'sauniversewherePopeStephenbecameasinger
insteadofapriest."

"Everyboduhknewthat'WhoBurgered?'routinewhenweweregrowingupinGeorgia,"
Billywassaying.

"Verdammtepublishers,"theGermannovelistwastellingtheSwisstheologian."They're
allthieves."

"DidsomebodymentionPopeStephen?"thetheologianasked.

"Strumpfbander,Strumpfbander,Strumpfbander,"thepsychiatristchortled.

"Theystayupnightsthinkingofnewwaystocheattheirwriters,"thenovelistrambled
on,nowevidentlyaddressinghiswineglass,sincenobodyelsewaslisteningtohim.

"I'dliketoknowwhostartedallthoserumorsaboutPopeStephen,"thetheologian
fumed.

"Ihavewrittenapoemcommemoratingyourgreatdiscovery,"FrancoisLoupGaroutold
Dr.Carter,hackinghiswayintoapauseintheconversation.

"Apoemaboutme?InFrench?"Carterwasenthused."AhloveFrenchpoetry,
especiallyRAMBOW."

"No,"LoupGarousaid,"inyourhonor,IhavewrittenitinEnglish."Actually,hehad
writtenitinEnglishtogetevenwithT.S.Eliot,whohadwrittenafewrondelsinFrench.

"Ahwonderifyoucouldreciteit,"Carterprompted.

"Certainly,"saidLoupGarou.Andhebegantodeclaim:

Schrdinger'scatandWigner'sfriend
Causeusproblemswithoutend

Thecatisbothaliveanddead
Inthemaththat'sinourhead
AndtheregressionofVonNeumann
NeverceasestoannoyMan

Theuncertaintyjusthasnoend
UntilWignergoestotellhisfriend

For,untilthefriendreceivesthenews
Thatthecatstillpurrsandmews

Thecatremains(suspendedFate!)
InsomeformalEigenstate

"SomeMOREWINEheah!"Carter'sbrotherbellowedatthebutler.
LoupGaroufrownedandwenton:

ButifWignermakesabeeline
Toreportthenowdeadfeline

Allthefriendcanreallyknow
Isjustonebranchoftime'sswiftflow

ForinCarter'smultispace
Everytimebranchhasitsplace

Sothecatremainsalive
Inthehalfcases(That's.5)

LeadusnottoCopenhagen,
NortoShylock,nortoFagin:

"Theresult'snotparsimonious!"
YetIfinditquiteharmonious

NobodyunderstoodthisexceptDr.Carterhimself,buthewassomovedthathiseyes
wateredabit."Ahmhonored,"hekeptsaying,shakinghishead."Tohaveapoem
writtenaboutmebyaFrenchartistinEnglish...."

Butatthispointthechefexplodedintotheroom,haggardandwildeyed."Thegoats!"
hecried."Theymarch!"

Andindeeditwastrue;thegoatshadgottenoutofthepantry.Ittooktenminutes,anda
greatdealofexertionforboththehousestaffandtheguests,beforetheanimalswere
roundedupandherdedbacktocaptivity.

Everybodywasbreathingabitheavilybythen,andtheAustrianpsychiatristmuttered
somethingabout"artistictemperament,"whichLoupGarouunfortunatelyoverheard.

"Thereisnothingesotericabouttheartistictemperament,"hereplied,flatlyand
dogmatically."Therealmysteryandthetragedyofhumanityisthatsomanylack
estheticsensibility.Isometimesbelievethelegendthattherearerobotsamongus,
passingthemselvesoffashumanbeings."

"That'sabsurd,"Dr.Axonsaid."IfIweretoclaimthateverybodyshouldbea
neurologist,youwouldallquiteproperlyregardthatasaneccentricity.Yetwhenan
artistsaysweshouldallbeartists,weareapttoagree,abitsheepishly.Andifa
religiouspersonsaysweshouldallbereligious,wenotonlyagree,butfeelabitguilty
aboutourshortcomingsinthatdepartment.Well,I'veneverhadanartisticorreligious
impulseinmylife,andI'mnotashamedofthefact."

"Researchisyourartandyourreligion,"saidtheJapanesemonk,speakingforthefirst
time."Whatapersontrulyis,inanyuniverse,istheBuddhaNature,"headdedblandly.
HeknewthatheexistedinthiscontinuumonlytomakethatoneDharmarevelation,so
heimmediatelyresumedhisimpassivesilence.

Theothersdecidedthatthemonk'sremarksmadenosense.

"Whatdoyouthink,Dr.Axon,"LoupGarouaskedrhetorically,"ifonlyafewpeoplehad
sexintheirlives,andthemajoritywere,notmerelyascetics,butsimplyunawareofsex
deaf,dumb,andblindtotheeroticsideoflife?Wouldyounotthinkthatwasatleasta
littlebitodd,asymptom,perhaps,ofsomepathology?ArrrrrrrrrghH!"
HehaddiscoveredtheRehnquistinhisLobsterNewburg.

Andthechefarrivedfromthekitchen,exasperatedasonlyaFrenchchefcanbe
exasperated."Thegoats!"hecried."Onceagainitisthattheymarch!"

ButLoupGarouwasstillgoing"arrrgh,"likeamanwiththedeathrattle.

"Whatisit?"Ms.Gebloomenkraftaskedhim,hereyesfullofmotherlyconcern.

"It'snothingnothing,"LoupGarougasped."Justatouchofheartburn."Hewasstillin
shock,thinkingtheRehnquistmightbeahallucination.Butifyouwerenaiveenoughto
talkabouthallucinations,theresultsmightberubbersheets,electroshock,windowswith
barsonthem.

"Thegoats,"thechefrepeated,withemphasis."Theywillnotbegoverned.Theymarch
again,Itellyou!"

LoupGaroutookanotherpeek.TheRehnquistwasstillthere.Itwasagreatbigone
ithyphallique,astheanthropologistswouldsay.ThiswasMadness,orelsesomething
unspeakablewasafoot.

Billybegantosing,offkey:

FourgoatsandME,

TheycametoTEA,

TheycametoSTAY,

TheystayedallDAY,

Oh,my!Oh,me!

FourgoatsandME!

AtthispointhefellfacedowninhisLobsterNewburg.
"Billuhisn'taccustomedtofineFrenchwines,"Dr.Cartersaid,hisgenialsmile
beginningtolookjustabitforced.

WHALEBURGER

WhileLoupGarouwasstrugglingwiththeenigmaoftheRehnquistintheLobster
Newburg,inParis,JustinCasewasspeakingtoamanfromtheSaudiArabian
delegationtotheU.N.,inNewYork.

"Thisisactuallyahrathertrivial,"Casesaidawkwardlyintothephone."Yousee,many
yearsagoanArabresignedfromthisjobandleftbehindanoteinArabic,andwellum
afterstaringatitfortwentysixyears,I'mabitboredwiththemysteryandI'dliketohave
theanswer...."

"Certainly,certainly,"saidthevoiceinthereceiver."I'dbegladtohelp.Canyousoundit
out?"

"Well,hewroteitintheEuropeanalphabet,"Casesaid."SoIguessit'smoreorless
phonetic.I'llreadittoyou.Um:

Qol:HuaAllahuachad:AllahuAssamad;lamyalidwalamyulad;walamyakunlahu
kufwanachad

Didyougetthat?"

"Mostcertainly,"saidtheelectronicvoice."It'soneofthemostfamousversesinAl
Koran.InEnglishitwouldbeofcourse,itlosesmostofitsbeautyintranslationbut,
roughly,itmeansGodisHewhohasnobeginningandnoend,nosizeandnoshape,
nodefinition,andnowife,nohorse,nomustache."

"Ah,yes,"Casesaid."Well,thankyouverymuch,andI'msorryforhavingtakenyour
timewithsuchatrivialmatter."

Hehungup,staringintospaceinabemusedmanner.

"Nowife,nohorse,nomustache,"herepeatedaloud.

Somethingcertainlyhadgottenlostinthetranslation.

WhenDr.DashwoodreturnedfromlunchhewasaccostedintheORGREparkinglotby
anothersailor,whosaidhisnamewasLemuelGulliver.

"InthecourseofmyTravelsinDiverseLands,"Gulliversaid,"IcameonceuponaRace
ofperfectlyEnlightenedBeingswholookedlikeHorsesandtalkedlikeG.I.Gurdjieff.
WhentheyinquiredofmeregardingtheLawsandCustomsandMannersofmypeople,
concerningwhichIwasatsomepainstoInformthemcorrectlyandfully,theyexpressed
greatAstonishmentandkeenHorror,sayingthattheyneverheardofsuchaTribeof
ConsciencelessRascalsandFilthyScoundrelsinallofcreation.Thisestimateofthe
HumanRace,asyoucanwellimagine,dismayedmenolittlebit,andIendeavour'dto
defendourspecies"

"Yes,yes,"Dashwoodsaid,"butI'minahurry,youunderstand...."

"TheseequinePhilosophers,"Gulliverwentonasifhehadnotheard,"werenot
impressedbyanyofmyWordsandsaidplainlytomethatifourTheologianswerenot
theworstLunaticsincreation,thencertainlyourLawyersweretheworstThieves.They
averredfurtherthatifwhatItoldthemofourDoctorsweretrue,wewerewisertoresort
toPlumbersorBlacksmiths,whoarenomoreIgnorantandagreatdeallessGreedy,
Avaricious,andRapacious."

Dashwoodwasstungbythesewords."Ittakesalongtimeandalotofmoneyinvested
togetthroughmedicalschool,"hesaidangrily.

"IexplainedthattomyequinePhilosophers,"Gulliverreplied,"buttheydidnotacceptit
asaValidArgument;fortheyasserted,anyThieforScoundrelwhenapprehendedwill
giveyouJustificationsinPlentyforhisMisdeeds,buttheJudiciousarenotFool'dby
suchRationalizations,andtheysaidfurtherthosewhopreynotuponanychance
Passerby,butupontheSickandtheDisabledandtheDyingare,withoutdoubt,the
mostRapaciousandRascallyoftheYahooTribe(forsuchwastheirNameforour
Species)."

"YourfriendssoundlikeabunchofdamnedCommunists,"Dashwoodsaid.

"Nay,"Gulliverprotested."TheyliveintheStateofNature,withoutBureaucratsor
Commissarsofanykind.And,Imightadd,Sir,theirOpinionofourDoctorswasbased
onmyshowingthemanordinaryMedicalBill,atwhichtheyinquir'dofmetheAverage
IncomeoftheDoctorswhopresenttheseBillsandtheAverageIncomeofthe
UnfortunatePatientswhomustpaythemorbeleftwithoutTreatmenttoDieinthe
Streets.TheircommentsonthiswereofsuchDisgustandAngerthatIdarednotshow
themaPsychiatrist'sBill,lesttheiropinionofourSpecies,alreadyLow,shouldsink
LowerthanWhaleburger,whichis,asyoumayknow,atthebottomoftheOcean."

"Oh,Abzugoff,"saidDashwood,reallyangrynow.

HerushedintoORGREandleftGulliverstandingonthesidewalk.

BackinNewYork,thephonewasringingagainintheofficeofAbuLaylahattheSaudi
ArabianConsulate.Stillhighonthenewkef,AbuLaylahliftedthereceiverleisurely.

"Isay,isthistheSaudiArabianConsulate?"askedaveryBritishvoice.

"Oyvay,haveyougotthewrongnumber!"AbuLaylahrepliedinathickYiddishaccent.

"Oh,"thevoicesaid,takenaback."Veddysorry."

AbuLaylahwentonpackinghappily.Hehadbeenfiredthatmorningandwas
thoroughlyenjoyinghimselfscrewingupallincomingcallsbeforeleaving.

JustafewminutesagohehadconvincedsomeInfidelthatthemostsublimeversein
theKoranwasfullofnonsenseabouthorsesandmustaches.

THEINVISIBLEHANDSOCIETY

TheInvisibleHandSocietyhaditsheadquartersinWashington,justoffDupontCircle,in
thesamebuildingwhichhousedtheWarrenBelchSociety.

ClemCotex,thepresidentoftheBelchers,hadnoticedthenameoftheInvisibleHand
onthebuildingdirectoryalongtimeago.Helikedit,becausehelikedmysteries.He
enjoyedwonderingabouttheInvisibleHandersandspeculatingonwhatesoteric
businesscouldjustifysuchaname.

WeretheytheNineUnknownMenwhoruletheworld?ThelocalbranchoftheBavarian
Illuminati?ThetraditionalistfactionoftheoldBlackHand,outofwhichtheMafiaand
CosaNostrahadgrown?

WasLamentCranstontheirleader,perhaps?

Clemlovedsuchspeculations.MostofhislifehehadbeenasalesmaninArkansasand
neverthoughtofanythingbutcommissions,netsales,taxwriteoffs,andnottellingthe
sameRastusandMandystorytothesamecustomertwice.ThenonedayinChicagoa
tall,crewcuthumanoidahuman,Clemthoughtatthetimegavehimsomefreetomato
juiceonthestreet.Theman(thehumanoid,actually)saidhewasfromtheErisTomato
JuiceCompanyandthattheywerehandingoutfreesamplestogetpeopleacquainted
withtheirproduct.

WithinthreedaysClemhadjoinedtheTrekkiesandwaswritingletterstoCBS
demandingthereturnofStarTrektoTV.Hehadalsogottenheavilyinvolvedinclassical
music,startedrelearningallthemathhehadinhighschool,discoveredthatheoften
knewwhowascallinghimonthephonebeforehepickedupthereceiver,andinvented
anewcosmologyofhisveryown,whichwasbasedontheideathattheuniversewas
notspherical,asHeisenberg'sGeneralRelativityclaimed,butfivecorneredlikethe
Pentagonbuilding.

WithinaweekClemhadcheckedthattherewasnoErisTomatoJuiceCompany,
noticedthatUFOsseemedtobefollowinghiscarwhereverhewent,andwasbeginning
tothinkhewasattractedtotheideaofbecomingaBuddhistmonk.

BytheendofthesecondweekClemwaslesselatedandagitated,andhadgone
throughabatteryoftestsatacompanythatdidpsychologicaltestingfortop
managementpositions.Thepsychologiststoldhimthathehadan"unusuallyrich
fantasylife,"butwastoowelladjustedtobeschizophrenic;thathisIQwasthehighest
theyhadevermeasured(andheknewdamnedwellthatithadneverbeenthathigh
before):andthathedefinitelywasnotManagementMaterial.Theysuggestedthathe
takeupwhateverartwasmostattractivetohim.

Clem,becominglessagitated,lesselated,andmoreconsciousofdetailallthetime,as
thestuffinthetomatojuicecontinuedtomutatehisnervoussystem,decidedthathe
wasoneamongpossiblymanythousandsofsubjectsinaconsciousnessexpansion
projectbeingcarriedonbyextraterrestrials.

Withinayearhehadwrittenasymphony,whichhedecidedwasnotverygood,andhad
changedhisreligiontentimes,withoutlearningmuchintheprocess.Hehadalsoread
hiswaythrougheveryvolumeoftheEncyclopaediaBritannica,lookingforcluesasto
whatthehellwasreallygoingon.

Whoeverwasbehindthisexperiment(andhewasnolongerquitesuretheywere
necessarilyextraterrestrials)seemedtohaveleftastreamofgrosslyobviousHints
throughouteveryfieldofhumanknowledge.Thestuffinthetomatojuicewaswhat
theologianswouldcallagratuitousgrace,butthatwastheonlygratuitouspart,ofit.You
hadtofigureout,onyourown,whoTheywere,whatTheywereupto,andwhatyou
shoulddoaboutit.

Thelastthingyoushoulddoaboutit,Clemknew,wastotalkaboutit,totheordinary
peoplewhohadn'tbeengiventhestuffinthetomatojuice.Theywouldjustthinkyou
wereweird.

Clemhadalistofpeoplefromhistorywho(hefigured)hadprobablybeengiventhe
stuffinthetomatojuice.TheliststartedoutwithJesusChrist,ofcourse,andincludeda
lotoftheusualSuspects(Buddha,Michelangelo,WaltWhitman,LeonardoDaVinci),
butithadquiteafewthatordinarypeoplewouldneverhaveincluded,likeLewisCarroll
andH.P.LovecraftandGeneralE.A.Crowley,thediscovereroftheNorthPole,and
JoshuaAbrahamNorton,whoinSanFranciscoin1857declaredhimselfEmperorofthe
UnitedStates,ProtectorofMexico,andKingoftheJews.

ForyearsClemhadtriedtofindothersonthesameneurologicalwavelengthashimself.
Hehadjoined,andeventuallybeenkickedoutof,theForteanSociety,Mensa,the
Rosicrucians,theCenterforUFOStudies,andtheultrasecretSSFTASS(SecretSociety
fortheAbolitionofSecretSocieties).Hewastoofaroutforallofthem.

Eventuallyheorganizedhisownsocietyfortheinvestigationandelucidationof"what
thehellisreallygoingonaroundhere."HecalledittheWarrenBelchSociety,afterthe
famousOldWestlawmanwhowoneverygunfightbecauseoneachoccasionwhenhe
confrontedashootout,hisopponents'gunshadmysteriouslyjammed.

ThepeopleClemrecruitedwerenotthesortwhowouldattributeMarshalBelch's
phenomenalgoodluckto"coincidence";norwouldtheybesatisfiedbymetaphysical
labelslike"synchronicity"or"psychokinesis."

Theyassumedtheextraterrestrialshadsomeobscurecosmicreasonforprotecting
WarrenBelch.

OnthedaywhenJustinCasegottiredwonderingaboutJoeMalik'smysteriousLast
Communicationandtried(unsuccessfully)tofindoutwhatitmeant,ClemCotexgot
tiredwonderingabouttheInvisibleHandSociety.Hemarcheddownthehall,opened
theirdoor,andwalkedintoatinybuttastefullydecoratedreceptionroom.

Thewalltotherightwasadornedwithalargegolddollarsign:$,emblazonedwiththe
initialsT.A.N.S.T.A.G.I.Thewalltothelefthadagiantreproductionofthefamous
Steinbergcartoonofalittlefishabouttobeeatenbyaslightlybiggerfish,whichinturn,
wasabouttobeeatenbyastillbiggerfish,whichalsowasabouttobeeatenbyaneven
biggerfish,andsoon,totheborderofthecartoonandevidently,beyondthat,toinfinity.

Therewasnobodyintheroom.

Clemlookedaround,abituncertainly.

SDATEYOURBIZNIZPLEEZ,saidacompiiteroidvoice,evidentlyoutoftheceiling.
"UhI'dliketoseetheheadmanorahtheheadwomanasthecasemaybe,"Clem
stammered.

THADWOULDBEDOKTORRAUSSELYSIUM,thecomputersaid.HEIZNOTINTHE
OFFIZTODAY.

"OhahtellhimClemCotexcalled,"Clemsaid,edgingtowardthedoor.

Hesuddenlydidn'twanttoinvestigatetheInvisibleHandanyfurther,whilehewas
alone.Someothertime,hethought,whenIhavesomefriendswithme.

YOURMEZZAGEHASBEENRECORDED,thevoicedronedbehindhimashefledthe
scene.

FALLINGGIRDERS

TheapprehensionoftheRealcanonlybecomparedtoaradianceorillumination
becauseitisarevelationofpartofthecoherenceoftheDivineActofCreation.
popestephen,Integritas,Consonantia,Claritas

MaryMargaretWildeblood,Manhattan'sbitchiestliterarycritic,wasgettingjustatinybit
spiflicated.Shewasworkingonherfifthmartini,infact.

"Mailercan'twrite,"shesaidargumentatively."Noneofthemcanwrite.Wehaven'tseen
arealwritersinceRaymondChandler."

"Um,"saidhercompanionnoncommittally.HewasBlakeWilliams.

"Whatdoyoumean,'um'?"MaryMargaretdemandedtruculently."Iwastalking
nonsensejusttoseeifyouwerelistening."
TheywereintheThreeLionsbaronU.N.Plaza.

"Well,infact,Iwaslistening,"Dr.Williamssaidurbanely."YouwerecomparingMailerto
Chandler,tothedisadvantageofMailer.However,Iadmitmyattentionwasalso
wanderingabit.IwasthinkingabouttheHollandaiseSauceenigma."Hewasonhis
fifthmartinitoo.

"What'sthat?"MaryMargaretasked.Yetthemartinismusthavebeengettingtoher,
becauseshedidnotwaitforhisanswerandannounced,inthevoiceofDiscovery,"The
bestshortstoryeverwrittenisbyJohnO'Hara."

"Itwasacaseoffoodpoisoning,"Dr.Williamssaid."Abunchofpeoplegotpoisonedby
somecontaminatedHollandaiseSauce."Yetheloopedbackcourteouslyandasked,
"Whatshortstory?"

Therobotwhousedthename"FrankSullivan"cameinandtookatablenearthem.He
wasaccompaniedbyPeterJackson,theBlackassociateeditorofConfrontation
magazine.

"Iforgetthetitle,"MaryMargaretsaid."Itwasaboutacarsalesmanwhohasavery
goodday,makessomereallytopnotchsales,andstopsatabartocelebratebefore
goinghome.Hehasonedrinkafteranotheranddoesn'tgethomeuntilaftermidnight,
andthengetthisandthenhegoesandgetshisriflefromthedenand..."

"OhIreadthat,"Dr.Williamssaid."Itisn'tashortstory,it'sanovel.Calledumaher
AppointmentinSamara.Andhedoesn'tusearifle.Hegasseshimselfinhiscar."

"DamnedestcaseIeverheardof,"pseudoSullivansaid."TheAmbassadorhasbeenon
morphineeversince."

"No,"MaryMargaretsaidimpatiently."ThatwaswhatthecharacterinAppointmentin
Samaradid,yes,everybodyknowsthatone,butI'mtalkingaboutashortstoryO'Hara
wrotemuchlater,maybethirtyyearslater.Intheshortstory,dammitwhatisthetitle,in
theshortstory..."

"Wigged?"pseudoSullivancried."Wethoughtwe'dhavetoputhiminastraitjacket."
"Intheshortstory,"MaryMargaretplowedon,notingthatWilliamswaslisteningtothe
robot,"thesalesmantakestherifleandgoestohisbedroomandputstherifletohis
head..."Shepaused.

Itworked."And?"Williamsasked,stillwonderingabitabouttheHollandaiseSauce
mysteryandwhytheAmbassadorwigged.

"Andhiswifewakesup,"MaryMargaretconcluded,"andshesays,'Don't.'Andhe
doesn't."

"Hewashoppingallaroundtheroomlikeachickenonacidandmakinggarglingand
chokingnoises,"the"man"called"FrankSullivan"wenton.

"Hedoesn't?"Williamscried.

"That'sthepoint,"MaryMargaretsaid."Yousee,likethecharacterintheSamaranovel,
thismangoesrighttotheedge,helooksovertheabyss,andthenhepullsbackatthe
lastmoment.Becausehiswifespeakstohim."

"Soit'salovestory,"Williamssaid."Verysneakyandindirect,typicalofO'Hara,butstill
alovestory.Hedecidestocontinuecarryinghisburden,whateveritis,forthesakeof
thewomanheloves."

"Well,howmuchwillConfrontationpayforthis?"pseudoSullivandemanded.

"No,it'smorecomplicatedthanthat,"MaryMargaretargued."Themotiveforthe
attemptedsuicideisneverexplained.Justlikethemotivefortherealsuicideinthe
Samaranovelisneverexplained."

"Doesitneedtobeexplained?"Williamsdrawled,wavingatthewaiterforanother
martini."IfIweretrappedintosellingcarsforaliving,I'dthinkaboutblowingmyhead
offoccasionally."

"Yes,but,"MaryMargaretsaid."Mostpeopleneverseetheemptinessoftheirlivesthe
waythesetwocharactersofO'Hara'sdo.That'stheTurnoftheScrew.It'slikethe
parableSamSpadetellsBrigidO'ShaughnessyinTheMalteseFalcon.Howhewas
hiredtofindarealestatesalesmanwho'ddisappeared..."

"Asalesmanagain,"Williamsnoted."Wearetoyingwithsynchronicity.Whendoes
ArthurMillercomeonthescene?"

"Wait,"MaryMargaretsaid."Itgetsweirder.Thissalesman,inSpade'sstory,justwent
outtolunchonedayandneverreturned.Noevidenceoffoulplay,nosuicidenote,
nada.Yearspass,andhiswifewantstomarryagain,soshehiresSpadetoprovethe
salesmanisreallydead.Spadedigsaroundandfindsthesalesmanaliveinanother
town,withanewnameandanewfamily.HeexplainstoSpadewhathappenedwhen
hewentouttolunchthatdayandsimplydisappeared.Agirderfellfromabuildingunder
constructionyouwanttotalkaboutsynchronicity?andalmostkilledhim.Itmissedhim
onlyafewfeet.ItwaslikeaSatoriexperience."

"AWHAT???"PeterJackson,theBlackeditor,criedinastonishmentatthenexttable.

MaryMargaretandBlakewerebothhooked;theylookeddeep,deepintotheirmartini
glassesastheystrainednottomisspseudoSullivan'sanswer."ARehnquist,"the
humanoidsaid."Jumpin'Jesusonarubbercrutch,"PeterJacksonsaid."You'renot
puttingmeon?Youmeanrightinthemiddleofthestaircase..."

"WheretheAmbassadorhadtoseeitwhenhecamedowntothereception,"pseudo
Sullivansaid."Agreatbigone,likeHarryReems's,orwhat'shisname'sintheporn
movies.Withapinkribbonaroundit.TheCompany,"hestressedthewordslightly,
avoidingtheinitials,"thinkstheKGBdidit.Believeme,theAmbassadorhasn'tbeenthe
samemansince."

"GoodLord,"BlakeWilliamssaid."It'slikeyourfallinggirderstory.Exceptinthiscase
it'safallingRehnquist...fromtheFourthDimension,maybe."Hewasthinkingthatthis
wastoowildtobeaKGBprojectandmightinvolvetheparanormal.

"EvaGebloomenkraftwasthere,"pseudoSullivanwenton,"andkepttryingtocalmthe
Ambassadordown,buthewasjustmakingthosegarglingnoisesandturningafunny
kindapurplecolor...."
"EvaGebloomenkraft,"Jacksonsaid."Isn'tshethatrichdamewiththebigBrownmillers
whokeepsgettingeightysixedfromnightclubsalloverEurope?"

"Yeah,"pseudoSullivansaid."AJetSetter,youknow?Butshetriedawfullyhardto
cheeruptheAmbassador.KeptmakinglittlejokesaboutFreud'stheoriesCastration
AnxietyandRehnquistEnvyandsoon....Bythenithaddisappeared,bytheway.But
weknowdamnedwelltheAmbassadordidn'thallucinateit.Twoofourmensawit,but
theygotdistracted,tryingtocalmtheAmbassadordownwhenhefirststartedjumping
upanddownandhowling,'Inapinkribbon,apinkribbon!'and,'Whatdiseasedmind
couldconceiveit?'Andstufflikethat....""Itwasasifthisman'slifewasawatch,"Mary
Margaretsaid,pickingupherownnarrative."Andajewelerhadtakenthebackoffand
lethimseehowthegearsworked.Nothinghadmeaninganymoreinauniversewhere
there'snogoodreasonwhyagirderhitsyouormissesyou."

"AndDashiellHammettwrotethis,yousay?"Williamsprompted."Itsoundsvery
Existentialist."

MaryMargaretfinishedhersixthmartini."Hammettnotonlywroteit,"shesaid,"helived
it.HespenttenyearsworkingforthePinkertonswhenClassWarwasreallyWarinthis
country.Heknewthatthegirdersfallonthejustandtheunjust."

"Youmeanhewasarealdetectivewhowroteaboutfictitiousdetectives?"Williamswas
offonhisowntangentatonce."That'slikeGodel'sProof.OrEscherpaintinghimself
paintinghimself..."

"Don'tgettoointellectualaboutit,"MaryMargaretsaid."Youmightmisstheobvious."

SINCERITYINSPELVINS

I'dratherhavemymaildeliveredbyLockheedthanrideinaplanebuiltbythepost
officedepartment.
bartholomewgimble

Dr.DashwoodwentouttodinnerthatnightwithDr.BerthaVanAtion,theastronomer
fromGriffithObservatorywhohaddiscoveredthetwoplanetsbeyondPluto.

DashwoodorderedaManhattanwithSouthernComfortacombinationthathadnever
occurredtohimbefore.HewonderedhowtheideagotintohisheadandDr.VanAtion
decidedtotrythesame.

"Goethesaid,'ManmussentwederderHammeroderderAmbossseinyoumustbethe
hammerortheanvil,"saidavoiceinthenextbooth.

"Mmm,"BerthaVanAtionsaid."Thisisgood."ShewassamplingherManhattanwith
SouthernComfort.

"Ofcourse,hewasjustbeingmelodramatic,"thevoiceinthenextboothsaid."Asan
artisthemusthaveknowntherearestatesinwhichyouareboththehammerandthe
anvilthere'snoeither/oraboutit.That'sthecreativefire."

"Sowhat'snewinastronomy?"Dr.Dashwoodasked.

"Uh?"Berthasaid."Oh,sorry,Iwaseavesdroppingonthenextbooth."

"Thehammerandtheanvil,"Dashwoodsaid."Iheardhimtoo.Mustbeapoet.Theytell
mewehavemorepoets'ofanthologyrank,'whateverthatis,thananyothercityin
America."

"LiketheHammerklaviersonata,"saidanewvoice,afeminineone,intheadjoining
booth."Beethovenwasboththehammerandtheanvilthere.Maybeheevenintended
thepun.HereadGoethe,didn'the?"

"Readhim?"askedthefirstvoice."Theykneweachother.Wouldhavebeenfriends,if
twoegomaniacscouldbecomefriends."

"Thisismyfavoritevice,"Berthawhispered."Listeninginontheconversationatthenext
table."
"Itsuresoundsasifhehadthatideainmind,"thefemininevoicesaid."Isthereany
otherpianopiecewherethepianistliterallyhastohammerawayatthekeyslikethat?"

"Thisisweird,"Dashwoodwhispered."Igotacranklettertodaywegetthembytheton
atOrgasmResearch,asyoucanimagineanditwasallabouttheHammerklavier."

"My,whateruditecranksyouattract,"Berthawhispered."Thecrankswhowritetous,at
Griffith,aremostlyilliteratefarmerswhohaveseenUFOs."

"Theywentwalkingonthestreetonce,"themaninthenextboothboomed."And
everybodykeptbowingtothem.Goethefinallysaid,'Ifindallthisostentatioushonora
bitembarrassing.'AndyouknowwhatLudwigsaid?Hesaid,'Don'tletitbotheryou.Itis
metheyarehonoring.

Thewoman'ssilverylaughhadgoldenhighlightsofhashishinit."That'sBeethovenfor
you,"shesaid.

Suddenlythetwoarose;theyhadevidentlypaidtheircheckalreadyandhadbeen
lingeringovertheircoffee.Dr.DashwoodandDr.VanAtion,withoutbeingconspicuous
aboutit,lookedthemoverastheyleft.TheywerebothChinese.

"That'sSanFranciscoforyou,"Dashwoodsaid.

"IboughtaVivaldirecordtheotherday,"Berthasaid."Itwasmadebyaclassicalgroup
inJapan,andtheyplayedhisFourSeasonsmusiconJapaneseinstruments.Itsounded
remarkablyliketheharpischordhewroteitfor."

"M,"Dashwoodnodded."Andwe'vegotallthesekidsplayingsitarsandtryingtosound
likeRaviShankar."

"Theartsandscienceshavealwaysbeeninternational,"Berthasaid."It'sonlyour
damnedpoliticsthatremainnationalistic.Tooursorrow."

"Mn,"Dashwoodnoddedagain."But,asIwasaskingyouawhileago,what'snewin
astronomy?"
"Well,"Berthasaidintensely,leaningforward,"theuniverseisturningouttobeahellof
alotbiggerthanwethoughteventhreeorfouryearsago...."

Attheotherendoftheroom,seatedatatablethatgaveagoodviewofDashwood,the
ContinentalOpwasenjoyingswordfishsteak.Heenjoyeditevenmorewhenhe
remindedhimselfthatitcouldgoontheexpenseaccount.

HeowedthisgoodfortunetothefactthatDashwooddidnotknowhisfaceyet.

Outsideandacrossthestreet,TobiasKnightwasdiningondoughnutsandcoffeefrom
adeli,andbemoaningthefactthatthistypicallywarmSanFranciscodayhadturned
intoatypicallycoldSanFrancisconight.

HeowedthisexileinthecoldtothefactthatDashwooddidknowhisface.

InWashington,SimonMoonhadgonecruisingatabarcalledtheEasterBasket.He
hadtherepickedupayoungboynamedMarionMurphy,whohadlongblondhairand
girlishmannerisms,bothofwhichwerequalitiesSimonappreciated.

TheyhadgonebacktoSimon'spadandsmokedsomehash.Thentheyrappedfora
while,andSimonlearnedthatMarionwasworkingonaMaster'sinsocialpsych,hada
fatherwhowasacopinSanFrancisco,andwasamemberofPurityofEcology.

Simondecidednottoholdthelastfactagainsttheboy.

WhentheywenttobedSimonwasthemoreaggressiveatfirst,BriggsingyoungMarion
withslurpingpassion.Buttheysoonturneditintoagame,andeachonewouldBriggs
theotherforawhile,alwaysstoppingwhenitseemedoneofthemmightreachMillett.
Afteranhourofthistheywerebothonhairtrigger,andcouldrestrainthemselvesno
longer.SimonbegantoBryantMarionandtheybothstartedhowlingandpantingand
moaninguntilthebedroombegantosoundliketheLionHouseatthezooaround
matingtime.

ItwasSimonMoon'sideaofagreatevening.

Dr.DashwoodwasexplainingthethreedimensionsofBriggsingtoDr.VanAtion,over
coffee,attheotherendofthecontinent.

"Therejustcan'tbeanysciencewithoutdimension,"Dashwoodsaidearnestly."Fechner
wasthepioneer,psychometrics,whattastessweeterthanwhatandthatsortofstuff.
Primitive,ofcourse,butitwasthebeginningofthequantificationofthesubjective,and
myworkcouldhavefollowedimmediatelyfromhis,except,"hesighed,"youknowhowit
is,fearandprejudicepreventedtheapplicationofthesemethodstosexforalongtime."

DrVanAtionnoddedsomberly.

"SinceritywemeasureinSpelvinsonascaleofzerototen,"Dashwoodwenton,totally
absorbedinhissubject."HedonisminLovelaceswe'vebeenluckythere;subjectsare
abletodistinguishsixteengraduations.Finally,there'sthedimensionofTendernesswe
findzerotosevencoversthat,sothattheperfectSteinemJob,ifImayusethe
vernacular,wouldconsistoftenSpelvinsofSincerity,sixteenLovelacesofHedonism,
andsevenHavensofTenderness."

"Itcertainlymakesourworkseemeasybycomparison,"Dr.VanAtionsaid."Everything
issoconcreteandobjectiveinastronomy."

"Whatdoesthatmean?"MarionMurphyaskedidly.

Simon,proppinghimselfuponapillow,lookedwheretheboywaspointing.Itwasa
stickerattachedtotheconsoleofSimon'shomecomputer,anditwasingoldandblack,
withadollarsignoverwhichwereimprintedtheletters:

T.A.N.S.T.A.G.I.

"Oh,that,"Simonsaid."It'stheinsigniaoftheInvisibleHandSociety."

"What'sitmeanT.A.N.S.T.A.G.I.?"

"ThereAin'tNoSuchThingasGovernmentInterference,"Simontranslated.

Marionrolledoverandstaredathim."Whatisit,somekindofparadox?"
Simonsmiledinthatinfuriatinglyserenewaythattheenlightenedalwayssmilewhen
dealingwiththeunenlightened."It'snoparadox,"hesaid."It'sasimplestatementof
fact."

Marionmovedafewinchesaway."You'resomekindofmystic?"heaskednervously.
TheonlymysticshehadmetwereontheWestCoast,andtheywereall,inhisopinion,
bonkers.

"Yes,"Simonsaideasily."WeintheInvisibleHandaremystics;butwearealso
scientists.Everyoneofushasanadvanceddegreeinmathorquantumphysicsor
computerscienceorsomesuchfield.Ourfounder,Dr.RaussElysium,wasanexpertin
gravitationalgeometrodynamicsfourdimensionaltopology,andsoonbeforehegot
intoGeneralSystemsTheory."

"Andyoupeople,withallthatmathandsoon,haveconvincedyourselvesthatthe
governmentdoesn'treallyexist?"Marionwasbeginningtogetanexcitingidea:he
woulddohisMaster'sonthisInvisibleHandSociety,asanillustrationofthe
psychologicallawthatthemorebrilliantamindis,themoreelaboratewillbeitsdelusory
systemifitsnaps.

"That'sit,"Simonsaidcalmly."Achickenistheegg'swayofmakingmoreeggs.
Governmentisanarchy'swayofmakingmoreanarchy.Letmeexplain...."

"SotheywereallpoisonedbyHollandaiseSauce,"MaryMargaretprompted,finishing
herseventhmartinidelicately.

BlakeWilliamswasdecidingthatMaryMargaretwasadamnedgoodlookingwoman,
consideringthatshehadbeenamanuntilsixmonthsago.Hewasonhisseventh
martini,too,andMarjorieMainwouldhavelookedlikeadamnedattractivewomanto
himbythen,evenmadeuptolooklikeHumphreyBogart'smotherinDeadEnd.

"Yes,"hesaid,"well,that'snotthemystery.Theywereallrushedtoahospital,andhad
theirstomachspumped,andtheysurvived.Idon'trememberwhathadcontaminated
theHollandaiseSauce,butitdoesn'treallymatter.That'snotthemystery."

"Well,whatisthemystery?"MaryMargaretprompted.ShewasEncouraginghimto
Talk,andthatsuddenlyalarmedhim.Itmeantonlyonething:shewasthinkingofgoing
tobedwithhim.

"Uh,"hesaid,"themysterywaswhathappenedlater."Hehadbeenthinkingshewas
attractive,yes,butthatwasfairlyabstract;hehadn'treallydecided,andwhenyoufaced
uptoit,shewasstillpartlymaleinhismind.

"Whathappenedlater?"sheprompted.

Dammit!hethought./musthavehadonemartinitoomany.Shewasawomannow;no
doubtaboutit.Sowhatwastheproblem?

"Theyallcamedownwiththesamesymptomsagain,"hesaid."Thenexttimetheyhad
foodwithHollandaiseSauce."TheproblemwasthattheywouldnotmerelyPotter
Stewart;therewouldbeacertainamountofforeplaynaturally,andtheywouldbe
Briggsingeachother.

"Oh?ItwasasynchronicitytwocasesofcontaminatedHollandaiseSaucehittingthe
samepeople?"MaryMargaretpromptedhimagain.

"Ahno,itwasfarweirderthanthat."Whatwasthematter?HehadBriggsedalotof
womeninhistime,andhadbeenBriggsedbyalotofthemhealwaysenjoyedagood
SteinemJob,Godknowsbutstill...therewassomethingabitfaggotyaboutitwhen
thewomanwasanexmanandstillpartlyamaninyourmemory."Ah,"herepeated,
damningthosemartinis,"yousee,therewasnothingwrongwiththeHollandaiseSauce
thesecondtime.Nocontaminantatall.Theyweren'tpoisoned.Theyahjusthadthe
symptomsofpoisoning."

"Thatisweird,"MaryMargaretsaid,wonderingifhewasgettingsoflusteredbecause
hehadneverbeentobedwithatranssexualbefore.Well,hewasananthropologist,
wasn'the?Heshouldregarditasaneducationalexperience.

"Veryweird,"BlakeWilliamssaid,"becauseyoucan'texplainitbyconditioningtheory.
Conditioningisaslowprocess,remember,requiringmanyrepetitionsorah
reinforcements.That'showPavlov'sdoglearnedthatbellmeansfoodrepetitionafter
repetition.ButthedoglevelorreflexlevelofthesepeoplehadlearnedthatHollandaise
Saucemeanspoisoninonlyoneexposure."Heshouldregarditasaneducational
experience,hedecided;afterall,hewasananthropologist.

"Well,Ineverbelievedyoucouldexplaineverythingbyconditioningtheory,"Mary
Margaretsaid."I'maHumanist."

"That'sallverywellandgood,I'msure,"BlakeWilliamssaid,"butahscientificallythe
behaviorinquestionwascertainlynotmediatedthroughtherationalcircuitsofthe
cortexanddoesrequireahsomesortofexplanation.Imean,ifitwasn'tconditioning,
whatthePotterStewartwasit?"

"Mmm,"saidMaryMargaret."Mmm?Howaboutimprinting?"

"What?"Dr.Williamslooked,foramoment,liketheAmbassadorfindingtheRehnquist
onthestairs.

"Imprinting,"MaryMargaretsaid."Whenananimallearnssomethingallatonceina
flash.Isn'tthatcalledimprinting?"

Williamsstared.

"Ithinkyou'vegotit,"hesaidfinally."Howwouldyouahliketogouptomyapartment
anddiscussthisfurther?"

Hewassuddenlymadlyinlovewithher.ShehadgivenhimaNewIdea.

InSanFrancisco,Dr.VanAtionhadbeenBriggsingDr.Dashwoodfortwentyminutes.

Hesoundedlikeamanatprayer."Oh,God,"hekeptrepeating."Oh,God,God,God..."

Dr.VanAtionwasthoroughlyenjoyingherself.DashwoodhadBriggsedherforforty
minutes,duringwhichshereachedMilletsixtimes,andshewasstillpurringwith
gratitude.

"Oh,God,God,God,"Dashwoodcroaked,ashertonguecontinuedtoexcitehis
Rehnquist.
"Andso,"SimonMoonconcluded,"governmentisjustaglitch.Asemantic
hallucination."

"Mrnmn,"saidMarionMurphy.

Simonturnedaroundandlookedattheboy;anditwasashefeared;Marionwasabout
80percentasleep.Simonhadbeenlecturingvirtuallytohimselfforseveralminutes.

"Nonlllegitimaticarborundum,"hemuttered.Itwashismantraagainstresentment,
wrath,andotherdiseasesoftheego.

HeleanedoverandkissedMarionlightlyontheear.

"Mrn,"Marionmumbled.

Simongotupfromthebedandpaddedintothelivingroom,wherehesmokedalittle
morehashandrememberedclassroomsbackinChicago,beatingshehadreceivedfor
beingintellectualandqueer,thefirstboyhehadeverBriggsed(wasn'thisnameDonald
something?),thebeautyofRussell'sdefinitionofnumberwhenhefinallygraspedit(the
classofallclassesthataresimilar),thefirsttimehewasBryanted(hewasafraidit
wouldhurt),thestrangeoutofbookexperienceinNewYorkonhashwhenhesawthat
thelawsthatgovernusarepartlygrammaticalandpartlypurewhimsy,andthiswas
verygoodhash,indeed,becausehecouldalmostrememberthatexperience:therewas
auniversewherehewasheteroandFurbishLousewartwasPresident;yes,thiswas
veryhighgradehash,indeed,andhealmostbelievedit,andwhynot?Themath
certainlydidimplysuchuniverses,andeachuniversecouldbelikeabook,eachbooka
variationonthesametheme,andtheAuthor(ifonedaredtotryimaginesuchaBeing)
mightevenbeinametauniversewhichhaditsownAuthor,andsoon,toinfinity....
Butthen,suddenly(hashishisfullofsurprises)Simonwasweeping,rememberinghis
father,OldTimMoon,whohadbeenaWobblyorganizerallhislife,andTimwas
singing"JoeHill"again:

Thecopperbosseskilledyou,
JoeIneverdied,saidhe
"Oh,Dad,"Simonsaidaloud."Whydidyouhavetodie,beforeIeverknewhowmuchI
lovedyou?"Andsuddenlyhewasallaloneinanemptylivingroom,weepinglikeanold
manwhosefamilyandfriendswerealldead,holdinghisSocialSecuritycheckand
wondering:WhereistheFederalbureauinchargeofdistributinglove?

Whichwasabsurd:Simonhadlotsoffriends,andhewasjustbeingmorbid.

"Oh,Dad"hesniffedonemoretime"Imissyou."

AndthenhestoppedcryingandwentandputtheFugs'recordof"RamesestheSecond
IsDead,MyLove"onthestereo.Andfloatedwiththemusicandthehashintoa
CountryandWesternEgyptianparadise:

He'swalkingthefieldswheretheBlessedlive
He'sgonefromMemphistoHeeeeaaven!

***

"Well?"MaryMargaretWildebloodprompted,abitimpatiently.Shewasnakedon
Williams'sbedandhadbeenLourdingherself,notvigorously,justgently,verygently,
notgettingtooexcitedyet,merelytryingtogethimexcited.

"Justaminutejustaminute,"Williamssaid,sittinginhisdrawersonthesideofthebed,
onesockinhishand.Itwasn'tthetranssexthingthatwasdelayinghim;hewasstill
strugglingwiththeNewIdeashehadgivenhimbackattheThreeLions."Itisn'tjust
poisoning,"hesaidabsently."Anythingthatshocksthewholeneuroendocrinesystem
mightdoit.Yes,ofcourse.Artificiallyinducedimprintvulnerability."

MaryMargaretseizedhishandandplaceditfirmlybetweenherthighs."Imprintthat,"
shesaidcoyly.

"Yes,yes,"hesaid,caressingherabsently."Butjustlistenaminute.Orgasmdoesitum
Ithink.No,justthefirstorgasm.Right?Youkeeprepeatingthepatternofthefirst
orgasm...."

"/don't,"MaryMargaretsaid."Justupthereabit,onmyAtkinsonthere,there,ah
Christ."

"Yesyesyoudon'tandalotofpeopleIknowdon't,"hesaid."Yes.Um?Butthepeople
whosesexualpatternskeepchangingareaminority,certainly.They'vechangedtheir
imprintssomehow.Um.Yes,yes.Oh,myGod!"

"Whatisit?"MaryMargaretwasbecomingcross;hishandhadstoppedmovingentirely.

"Sorry,"hesaid,resumingthegentlestimulationonherAtkinsonandtheouterlipsof
herFeinstein."Ijustrealizedsomepeoplekeepchangingtheirideastoo.They've
loosenedthesemanticimprints.MyGod,that'swhyconditioningtheoryisinadequate.
Don'tyouseetheconditionedreflexesarebuiltontotheimprints...."

"GodGodGodohsweetJesusGod"

"It'sashocktothewholesystem.Peoplewho'vehadneardeathorclinicaldeath
experiences.Shipwreckedsailors.AndohJesusIcallmyselfananthropologistandI
nevergotitbefore,ritesofinitiationofcoursethat'swhatthey'reallaboutofcourse
makingnewimprints...."

"OhGodohGoddarlingdarling"

"Yesyes,Iloveyou,newimprintsofcourse,yesyesareyoucomingonmylittledarling"

"GodGodGOD!!!"

"Ahsweetlittledarlingwasitgood?Ahyesyoulooksosweetnowthere'snothingas
lovelyasthatpostMillettexpressionbutaboutthoseimprintcircuits"

"ShutupandBriggsmepleasedarling"

Andso,stillreflectingonshockandimprintvulnerabilityandthechangingofsexual
semanticimprints,BlakeWilliamsbeganBriggsingapersonwhohadbeenmasculine
foralmostalltheyearstheyhadknowneachother,wonderingjusthowqueerthiswas,
really.
"Incidentally,"Dr.Dashwoodasked,"whatdoyouthinktheHammerklavierisallabout?"

BerthaVanAtionandheweresittingatthekitchentablenow,sippingalittlepeach
brandyhehadfoundstillremaininginthecabinet,andmunchingRitzcrackers.

Dr.VanAtionbrushedsomeauburnhairsbackfromherforehead."TheBlackHole,"
shesaidpromptly.

"Ahyoumeanhewasfeelingdraggeddownintosomethinghecouldn'tescape?"Dr.
DashwoodsuddenlyrememberedhewantedtolookupJan(orwasitHans?)Zelenka.

"No,notthataspectofit."Berthamunchedandfrownedthoughtfully."Thesuspension
ofallthecosmologicallaws.Theendofspace.Theendoftime.Theendofcausality."

Dashwoodsmiled."Somepeoplethoughtitwastheendofmusicwhenitwasfirst
performed,"hesaid."Youmightbeontherighttrack."

"Whythankyousirsaidshe."Berthagrinned."YoureallythinkI'mdraggingmyown
astronomyintothemusicdepartment."

"Youhaveeveryrightto,"hesaid."Weallseeandhearthroughourownfilters.Tome,
theHammerklaviersoundslikeanunsuccessfulattemptatTantricsex.AndtheSeventh
andEighthSymphoniessoundlikemonumentallysuccessfulattempts.That'sme
draggingmyownspecialityintothemusicdepartment."

"Youareadoll."

"Andyou'realivingdoll."

"Isn'tsexgreat?"

"IfGodinventedanythingbetter,"Dashwoodsaid,quotinganoldproverbandadaptingit
totheFeministage,"ShekeptittoHerself."

"AndhowdidIscoreonyourscale?"
"TenSpelvinsofSincerity,SixteenLovelacesofHedonism,andsevenHavensof
Tenderness.No,makethateightHavens.Youwentoffthescale."

InHollywood,CarolChristmas,theBlondGoddessofeverybody'sfantasies,was
sleepingaloneforonce.

Shewasstillinvolvedin250,000,000sexactseveryhour.

Thequantumperturbationspulsedgentlythroughheratoms,stimulatinghermolecules,
rejuvenatinghercells,providingaverysatisfactoryTripforherwholeneuroendocrine
system,andenrichingherdreamsvastly.

ItwasperfectTantricsex,andshewasn'tevenconsciouslyawareofit.

Thiswashappeningtoher,andhadbeenhappeningtohersincethereleaseofDeep
MongolianSteinemJob,becauseshewastheBlondGoddessinsomanyfantasies.

Allovertheworld,asshesleptandevenwhileshewasawakeinthedaytime,the
quantuminseparabilityprincipie(QUIP)stimulatedhergently,becausealloverthe
world,everyhour,250,000,000lonelymenwereLourdingthemselveswhilelookingat
photographsofher.

BackinNewYork,PollyEstherDoubleknitwaswanderingaroundherapartmentstark
naked.

Herloveroftheeveningwassoundasleepinthebedroom,butPollyEstherwaswakeful
andthinkingoftwentydozenthingsatonce,liketheSecondOswaldinHongKongand
whetherfishevergetseasickandhowsplendidlyheavenlyithadfeltwhenherlover's
tonguewasupinsideherFeinsteinandwhatwasthenameofthethirdAndrewsSister
MaxineandLaverneandwho?andSilentTristero'sEmpireandwhysomanythings
comeinthrees,notjustMaxineandLaverneandwhat'shernamebutCurlyandLarry
andMoe;andTom,Dick,andHarry;andNoah'sthreesons,Ham,Shem,andJaphet;
andGroucho,Chico,andHarpo;andBrahma,Vishnu,andShiva;andPast,Present,
andFuture;andBreakfast,Lunch,andDinner;andthethreewitchesinMacbeth;and
thethreebrotherswhostartonthesamequestinalltheoldfairytales;andthe
Executive,theLegislative,andtheJudiciary;andofcoursetheBigThree,Pops,J.C.,
andSmokey;andmaybesheshouldcutdownonthosedietpills;itwasabsurdtobe
wanderingaroundatthreeinthemorningthinkinginthrees.

Andthentherewasupdown,backforward,andrightleft,thethreedimensionsin
space;andWynken,Blynken,andNod;andtheThreeWiseMen,Whozit,andWhatzis
nameandMelchior;andPeter,Jack,andMartin,thethreebrothersinSwift'sTaleofa
Tub;andPeter,Paul,andMary;andtheKingstonTrio;andFriends,Romans,
Countrymen,whichwasnotonlyatriad,butaprogressivetriad,onebeat,twobeats,
threebeats,one,two,three,justlikethat,andshewoulddefinitelycutdownonthediet
pills.

PollyEstherfinallyputarecordonthestereo,turningthevolumedowntolowsoasnot
towakenherloverinthebedroom.

ShepickedtheHammerklaviersonata,notoutofcoincidenceorpropinquityoreven
synchronicity,butjustbecauseitwasherfavoriteofBeethoven'spianopieces.Itwas
herfavoritebecauseshecouldn'tunderstandit,nomatternowoftensheplayedit.It
wasthemusicalequivalentofaZenkoantoher,endlesslyfascinatingbecause
endlesslyenigmatic.

Thestark,discordantopeningbarsdroveallwanderingthreesomesoutofhermind,
narrowingherattentiontoLudwig'surgentifincomprehensibleuniverseofstructured
sound.Shewassweptintoitagain,asalways,sweptalongbyemotionssodeepand
yetsoausterethatnobodyhaseverbeenabletonamethem.Onceshehadinvitedthe
world'sthreemostadmiredconcertpianiststoaparty,justsoshecouldaskeachof
them,privately,whattheythoughttheHammerklaviermeant.Assheexpected,shehad
gottenthreewildlyconflictinganswers.Anothertimeshehadorderedeverybookinprint
aboutBeethovenfromDoubleday'sonFiftythirdStreetatFifthAvenueandlookedup
Hammerklavierintheindexofeach.Shegotfortyfourdifferentopinionsthatway.

Themusichammeredandsurgedalong,carryingherthroughpainandfrustrationand
lonelinesstoland,againandagain,atthingsbeyondsuchsimplefeelings,thingsthat
shesometimesfeltwereextraterrestrialornonEuclideanorsomehowbeyondnormal
humanperception.Therearesomekindsofknowledge,Ludwighadonceclaimed,that
canonlybeexpressedinmusic,notinanyotherart,notinscienceorphilosophy.This
wasthemostarcaneofsuchknowledge,Ludwig'smostintimatesecret,andmaybeyou
weren'tentitledtounderstandituntilyouhadbeentothestrangedarkplacesofthe
psycheoutofwhichhehadcreatedit.

Itwasthechildbirthprocess,ofcourseandPollyEstherdidnotconsideritamiraclethat
Ludwigcouldunderstandthat,hewassoobviouslybi,atleastempatheticallythelabor
painsgoingonandonuntiltheactofcreationseemedimpossible,youwouldneverget
there,andyetsomehowevenintheblockedhopelessfeelingyouweregettingthere;
anditwasalltheterrorsofhischildhood,allthosecruelbeatingsbyhisalcoholicfather,
rememberedandnotforgiven,neverforgiven;butitwasalsothatcold,analytical,
almostscientificsideofLudwig,remorselesslyfollowinghisexperimenttoitsinexorable
conclusion:hehaddiscoveredorrediscoveredthatthepianois,amongotherthings,a
percussioninstrumentandhewasfollowingthelogicofthatinsight,ashefollowed
everymusicalidea,towhereveritledhim,towhateverabyss.

And,afterthinkingallthat,PollyEstherknewshestilldidn'tunderstandthe
Hammerklavier;butasitbangedandhowledtoitsdefiantconclusion,shegotaflashof
oneaspectshehadneverregisteredbefore.ItwasthelastsceneofPapillon,when
aftertwelveyearsofhorror,SteveMcQueenfinallyescapesfromDevil'sIslandonhis
homemaderaftofcoconutshellsandfloatsoffintotheAtlantic,asLudwigfloatsoffat
theendoftheHammerklavier,shoutingtothehostileseaandtheindifferentsky:

"I'MSTILLHERE,yousonsofbitches!"

And,afterthat,PollyEstherwascleanedout,drained,purified;nomoretriangles
hauntedher.Sheturnedoffthestereo,yawnedcontentedly,andpaddedbacktoher
bed.

Herloverwasstillsleeping,twistedaroundinthecoverssothatherrightlegstuckout,
decoratedwithgoosepimplesfromthecoldair.PollyEstherrearrangedthebeddingto
coverthegirl,andclimbedinbesideher,hugginghertenderlyonce,butnotenoughto
wakenher.ThentherewereonlyafewrememberedbarsoftheHammerklavierandone
moretriodriftedup(Wyatt,Morgan,andVergil,theEarpbrothers),andthenPolly
Estherslept.

PARTONE

COMINGTOAHEAD

Artimitatesnature.
aristotle

Natureimitatesart.
oscarwilde

WHATMEINFALLIBLE?

Thefirstentryofsinintothemindoccurswhen,outofcowardiceorconformityorvanity,
theRealisreplacedbyacomfortinglie.
popestephen,

Integritas,Consonantia,Claritas

Dr.Dashwood,asusual,beganFridaybyscanningthemail.Thefirstlettersaid:

THISISANENTIRELYNEWKINDOFCHAINLETTER!!!

WerepresenttheFertilizerSocietyofUnistat.Itwillnotcostyouacenttojoin.Upon
receiptofthisletter,gototheaddressatthetopofthelistandBurgerontheirfront
lawn.Youwon'tbetheonlyonethere,sodon'tbeembarrassed.

Thenmakefivecopiesofthisletter,leavingthetopnameoffandaddingyournameand
addressatthebottom.Sendthemtofiveofyourbestfriendsandurgethemtodothe
same.Youwon'tgetanymoney,butwithinfiveweeks,ifthischainisnotbroken,you
willhave3,215strangersBurgeringonyourlawn.(HereComesEverybody!)

Yourrewardnextsummerwillbethegreenestlawnontheblock.

DONOTBREAKTHISCHAIN!Everybodywhohasbrokenithaswithinfivedays
sufferedacute,prolonged,andinexplicableconstipationwhichrespondstonoknown
laxativeandrequires,ineachcase,interventionoftheapplecoreroritssurgical
equivalent.

Dr.Dashwoodmadeamistake.Heassumedthiswasanotherhoaxbytheenigmatic
EzraPound.

PollyEstherDoubleknitwasadevoutRomanCatholicandwenttoConfessionthat
Saturday.

"IdidanaughtynaughtywithaSecretaryagain,"shesaid.

"Howshocking,"saidherConfessorinaprofoundlyboredtone."Wasshecute?"

"Shewasanabsolutelyadorablelittleblondcreature."

"Ihopeyoubothenjoyedyourselves,"saidthepriest."Butwhyareyoutellingmeabout
thishedoniclittleescapade?"

PollyEstherwhispered,"IguessIfeelguilty.IwasraisedBaptist,youknow."

"Butyou'reaCatholicnow,"thepriest,FatherStarhawk,said."Andasaconvert,you
probablyknowthetheologybetterthanpeoplewhowerebornintoit.Now,tellme:What
isasin?"

"Asin,"PollyEstherrecitedpromptly,"istoknowinglyhurtasentientbeing."

"Exceptwhereitwouldbeagreatersin,agreaterhurt,torefrain."FatherStarhawkwent
on."That'swhyit'snosintokillavirus,remember.Now,didyouhurtyourcutelittle
blondplaymate?"

"No,ofcoursenot."

"Didyoumakeherhappy?"

"Ithinkso,"PollyEsthersaidwistfully."ShewantstoseemeagainMondaynight."
"ThenIthinkyoumadeherhappy,"FatherStarhawksaid."Howmanytimesdidshe
reachMillett?"

"Sixorseven,Ithink."

"ThenI'msureyoumadeherhappy,"thepriestsaidkindly."Asameremale,Imustsay
IenvythefemalecapacityformultipleMillett.Now,obviously,yourlittlepartywiththis
Secretarywasnotharmful,butjoyful.Soitwasnotasin,buttheoppositeofasin,a
workofvirtue.AndyouknowtheteachingsofMoralTheologywellenoughto
understandthat,sowhyareyouwastingmytime?"

"Iguessit'sjustmyBaptistupbringing,"PollyEsthermurmured.

"Youmustclearyourmindofallsuperstition,"thepriestsaid,"becausesuchnonsense
muddiestheintellectandkeepsyoufromthinkingclearlyaboutRealmoralissues.Now,
doyouhavesomethingRealtoconfess?"

"Yes,"PollyEsthersaidnervously.

"Well?"FatherStarhawk'sjovialtonesuddenlyturnedstern.

"Ithinksomeofmymoneycomesfromslumproperties."Pollychoked,thensighed
deeply.Itwasarelieftosayit,tohaveitoutintheopen.

"Youthink?"thepriestcriedangrily."Youhaven'tfoundoutforsure?Howlonghaveyou
hadthissuspicion?"

"SinceaboutaweekagolastThursday."

"Andwhateffortshaveyoumadetofindthefactsaboutthisgravematter,whichmay
be,Iremindyou,amortalsin?"

PollyEsthertrembled."Itried,"shesaid,"butthewaycorporationsarethesedays...I
gettwelvedifferentstorieseverytimeIaskthelawyers...butIreallythinkweown
someoftheworstpartsofNewark."
Thepriestwassilentforalongtime."It'smyfault,"hesaidfinally."Iwasneverstrict
enoughwithyou.Whatisthefirstmorallawaboutmoney?"

"Toensurethatnohumanbeingwasbeinghurtinacquiringit,andifanyonewashurt,
toreturnthemoneytothemandmakewhateverotherrestitutionismorallynecessary."

"Toensure,"FatherStarhawkrepeatedsolemnly."SaintFrancisXaviersaidthatmany
centuriesago,agreatandholysaint,andhespecificallyinstructedprieststobecertain
thatnobodyreceivedAbsolutionuntiltheyhadgivenupallmoniesacquiredfromusury
orothersocialinjustices.ThatwaslongbeforePopeStephen,mychild,anditisthe
moralbackboneoftheChurch.IcannotgiveyouAbsolutionuntilyouhaveexamined
yourconscienceonthismatterandmadewhateverchangeismorallynecessary."

"I'llhaveaspecialBoardmeetingandgettothebottomofit,"PollyEsthersaid."Thank
you,Father,forrestoringmyvisionofReality."

"ThatisthefunctionoftheChurch,"FatherStarhawksaid.

Andthenheadded,softly:

"Prayforme,please.Iamasinner,also."

FatherStarhawkwasaCherokeeIndianandaStephenite.

TheStepheniteswerethemostradicalofalltheCatholicclergyandmadeeventhe
NeoJesuits,underGeneralBerrigan,seemlikemilkwaterliberalsbycomparison.There
wasvirtuallynonationonEarthwhichdidn'thaveseveralStephenitesinprisonforwhat
theStephenitescalled"followingthelawsofGodratherthanthelawsofman."

MembersoftheStepheniteorderabsolutelyrefusedtocountenanceanybehaviorthat
fellshortoftheidealsinthelatePopeStephen'sencyclicalsonSocialJustice;andhat
theStepheniteswouldnotcountenance,theywouldresist.Itwasthepassive,nonviolent
natureoftheirresistancethatmadetheStephenitessotroublesometopersonsin
authority;itisimpossibletojailnonviolentidealistswithoutalargepartoftheworld
sympathizingwiththem.
FatherStarhawkhadservedthreetermshimself,forpassivelyresistingUnistat'swars
againstCuba,PuertoRico,andthePeople'sRepublicofHawaii.

LikeallStephenites,hewrotethefamiliarlapelbuttonwithaphotoofPopeStephen,the
famousblackpatchoverhisblindeye,andthesaintedPope'sfamousremark,"What
meinfallible?"

PopeStephenhadtotallyrevolutionizedtheCatholicChurchduringhisbrieffiveyear
reign.Indeed,astheFrenchfeministJeannePauletteSartresaid,"Thisonemanhas
singlehandedlyturnedthemostreactionarychurchonthisplanetintothemost
progressive."

ItwasduetoPopeStephenthatthe"socialgospel,"previouslypreachedonlybya
minorityoffaroutJesuitsandworkerpriests,becametheofficialVaticanpolicy.By
beingthefirsttodenounceHitlerandMussolini,andexcommunicatingtheirsupporters,
PopeStephenhadknowinglyriskedthebiggestrupturewithintheChurchsincethetime
ofLuther;but,whilenearly30percentoftheCatholicsinGermanyandItalycontinued
tofollowtheirnationalleaders,over70percentobeyedthePope,andbothdictatorsfell
frompower.

AdolfHitlerbecameaportraitpainteragain;andBenitoMussolini,deprivedofpower,
returnedtohisearlybeliefinanarchismandspenthisdecliningyearswritingfiery
journalismagainstallthosewhodidmanagetoachieveandholdontopoliticalpower.

AtthetimeofPopeStephen'sdeathin1940,itwasestimatedthatthewealthofthe
Vaticanwaslessthan10percentofwhatithadbeenwhenhetooktheChairofPeter,
butitsprestigeabout1,000percenthigher.

ThePopehadspent90percentoftheVatican'swealthinprojectsfortheabolitionof
poverty,disease,andignorance.

Manyregardedhimasasaint,butPopeStephenalwaystriedtodiscouragethatview.
Heendedeveryconversationwith"Iamasinner,also,"whichbecameahabitwith
Stephenites:FatherStarhawk,forinstance,endedallhisconversationsthatway,and
alsouseditforthetaglineofallhistheologicalarticlesandhisprivatecorrespondence.
Itmustbeadmitted,however,thatthefirstIrishPopedidhavehisownbrandof
arrogance:HebelievedhewasthebestLatinstylistsinceCicero,andwasrathervain
abouthiscommandofEnglish,Italian,French,German,Spanish,Danish,andHebrew,
also.HewasalsoconvincedthathewasagreaterpsychologistthanJamesorJung,
anditwasonlywhentheirnameswerementionedthatatingeofuncharitablesarcasm
wouldenterhisspeech.

PopeStephen,infact,hadahabitoflisteningfarmorethanhespoke,whichledmany
toregardhimasabitaloof.Actually,hespokelittlebecausehewassobusyobserving.
Thispassionforstudyingotherhumanbeingshadgraduallyturnedhimfroma
disputatiousyoungintellectualintoanalmostpathologicallysensitivemiddleagedman,
becausethemoreheobservedpeople,themorehelikedthem,andthemoreheliked
them,thelessablehewastobearseeingorhearingofinjusticetoanyoneanywhere.

OnoneoccasionalearnedanderuditeFrenchCardinalsaidtothePope,referringto
thesteadyparadeofvisitorstotheVatican,"Youmustfindmostofthesenonentities
profoundlyboring."HewasmakingtheusualmistakeofinterpretingthePope'slong
silenceasasignofennui.

"Buttherearenobores,"Stephensaid,shocked.

"Youarebeingparadoxical,"theCardinalchided.

"Notatall,"thePopesaiddogmatically."Ihavenevermetaboringhumanbeing."

Itwastheonlytimeanybodyeverheardhimpontificate.

ItwasduetoPopeStephenthateveryCatholicpriestwasnotonlyallowed,but
encouraged,togetmarried."Livingwiththemysteryofthefemininemind,"hesaid,"is
thebesttrainingfortryingtocopewiththegreatermysteriesoftheDivinemind."

HehimselfhadmarriedapeasantgirlfromGalway,whowassaidtobebarelyliterate,
andhisloveforherwaslegendary.

NobodyknewwhatthePopeandhiswifeeverfoundtotalkabout,sincesheobviously
didnotshareanyofhisintellectualinterests.

Actually,withhiswife,aswithmostofhumanity,theIrishPopespentmostofhistime
listening,nottalking.

Becauseoftheliberalityofhissexualviews,theIrishPopewasstillcontroversialamong
conservativeCatholics,whoclaimedhewasapervertandwereforevertryingtohave
himposthumouslyexcommunicated.

Theyalsospreadrumorsabouthisprivatelife,whichhadgainedsomuchcurrencythat
wheneverhisnamewasmentionedsomebodywouldmutter"garters,garters,garters."

PopeStephen'swholephilosophywasderivedfromasinglesentenceinAquinas:

Adpulchritudinemtriarequiruntur:integritas,consonantia,claritas.

Whichmayberendered:

Threethingsarerequiredforbeauty:wholeness,harmony,radiance.

ItwasStephen'sthoughtthattheuniverse,astheproductofaGreatArtist,mustbe
comprehensibleintermsofintegritas,consonantia,claritaswholeness,harmony,
radiance.Why,then,heaskedhimself,doesitnotappearsototheordinaryhuman
mind?Theonlyanswerhecouldfindwasthatwearenotpayingattention.Wehavenot
learnedtoobservecloselyenough.WedonothavetheArtist'seyefordetail.

AndsoPopeStephenpaidverycloseattentiontoeverythingthatenteredhisfieldof
perception.

AtthetimeoftheIrishPope'sdeathin1940,obituarywritersallovertheworld
comparedhimtoeverysaintandsageinhistory:Buddha,Whitman,Plotinus,Rumi,
Dante,Eckhart,JohnofArc,St.TerrenceofAvilla,andsoon,andon;buttheonewho
cameclosesttocategorizinghowStephen'smindworkedwasanobscureCanadian
professorofliteraturewhowrote,"TheonlymindinhistorycomparabletoStephen's
wasthatofafictitiouscharacterMr.SherlockHolmesofBakerStreet."

LikeTobiasKnight,PopeStephenhadspentallhislife"tryingtofindoutwhatthehell
wasreallygoingon,"althoughheneverexpresseditthatway.

Hehaddecidedthatwhatwasgoingonwasthateverybodywasverycarefullyavoiding
payingattentiontowhatwasgoingon.

TheStephenitescalledthemselves"SeekersoftheReal"andwerealwayswatching
verycloselytoseewhatwasgoingon.Theyallhadpostersintheirroomswiththe
saintedPope'sfamousremark:"Ifyoudon'tpayattentiontoeverylittledetail,youmiss
mostofthejokes."

WhenDr.Dashwoodwentouttolunchthatday,hewasstoppedonthestreetbya
haggardandwildeyedminorbureaucratwhosaidhisnamewasJosephK.

"Theyhaveeverybodymindwarped,"JosephK.said,clutchingDashwood'ssleeve
desperately.

"Yes,yes,"Dashwoodsaid,tryingtodisentanglehimself."ButIreallymusthurry"

"Whatarethechargesagainstme?"JosephK.demanded."Whatarethecharges
againstanyofus?Wealltrytoobeytheirrules,don'twe?Ofcoursewedo;weknow
whatwillhappenattheslightest,themostminute,themostmicroscopicinfraction,do
wenot?NotthatImeantoimplythattheyarewrong,necessarily,orunjustyouwon't
findanysubversiveliteratureorpornographyinmyroom,Icanassureyouabsolutely
no,certainlynotunjustorinanywayunfair,butitmustbeadmittedthatinthe
applicationoftherules,intheapplication,Isay,theyaresometimesoverfinicky,abit
strainedandliteral,ifyoutakemymeaning."

"Certainly,certainly,"Dashwoodsaid,strugglingtoremoveJosephK.'sfingersfromhis
sleeve."Butifyouweretoseeagoodcounselornotapsychiatrist,necessarily...Idon't
meantoimply"

"Weareallguilty,"JosephK.saidflatly."Theyhaveestablishedsomanyrules,and
recordedtheminarchivesthattheordinarycitizencannotconsult,thatwemustall,the
mostloyalanddecentofus,stumbleonameretechnicalityoccasionally.NotthatI
meantoassertthattechnicalitiesarenotnecessary,youunderstand,sinceitis
importanttospelloutindetailtheexactmeaningintendedinastatute,don'tyouagree,
George?"

"Frank,"Dashwoodsaidautomatically.

JosephK.suddenlylookedsly."Oh,"hesaidslowly,"youclaimthatyouarenotGeorge
Dorn?Howcleverofthem,althoughIcan'timaginehowtheypersuadedyou,butof
courseamanofyourmoralprincipleswouldnotbebribed,certainly.Theymusthave
convincedyouitwasformyowngoodinsomeabsolutemetaphysicalsense,right?

Certainly.Youwouldnotworkforthemoutofmalice,wouldyou?'Hereleased
Dashwoodwithapoignant,despairinggesture."Youmeanwell,hesaid."Theyallmean
well,Iknow.ButIaminnocent,Itellyou!"

Hebackedaway."AndyouareGeorgeDorn,andIamnotdeceived,"headdedbitterly.

Thenheturnedandran.

PARAREALISME

Thebignewsofthe1985seasonintheartworldwasthatFrancoisLoupGarouhad
abandonedNeoSurrealismandfoundedanewschoolofartcalledPararealisme.

ThiswasonlypartlytheresultoftheRehnquistintheLobsterNewburg;itwasalsoa
matterofeconomics.

Fornearlyacentury,ithadbeenveryimportantforanartisttobelongtoa"school,"and
itwasevenbettertobethefounderofa"school."Thiswasnotjustacaseof"InUnion
ThereIsStrength";itwasalsoashrewdmarketingstrategy.Itmighttakeanindividual
paintertenortwentyyearstobe"discovered"ifhewereoriginal,itmighttakemuch
longer,andhemightnotbealivetoenjoyitbutwhenaSchoolofArtwasformed,that
wasNews,andallmembersoftheschoolwerediscoveredsimultaneously.

TherehadbeenanImpressionistschool,aPostImpressionistschool,anExpressionist
school,anAbstractExpressionistschool,aCubistschool,aFuturistschool,aPop
schoolandanOpschool,andsoon.FrancoisLoupGarouhadnoticedthatthe
commerciallifeofeachschoolwasgettingshorterallthetime,duetotheaccelerated
intensityofcompetition:NeoSurrealismwasalreadybeingeclipsed,asanobjectof
newsanddebate,bytheNeoCubismoftheAmerican,Burroughs.

Hedecideditwastimetolaunchanewschool.

AftertheexperienceoftheRehnquistintheLobsterNewburg,Pararealismeseemed
appropriatetohim.

AccordingtoStandardOperatingProcedure,hegotafewfriendstogetherandthey
beganissuingProclamationsdenouncingallotherschools(especiallyNeoCubism)as
obsoleteandreactionary.ThisgotthemintotheArtJournalsandintosome
newspapers.

Thentheyheldtheirownfirstshow,andthatgotthemintotheinternationalnews
magazines.

Theywerenews;itdidn'treallymatteriftheirpaintingswereanygoodatall.

Infact,theirpaintingswererathergood,inafeysortofway.

Theyhadrevivedtraditional"representational"art(everythingtheydidwasas
naturalisticasanewsphotograph),butwithadifferencethatmadeadifference.

ThelargestcanvasatthefirstPararealisteshowwasLoupGarou'sownWhatDoYou
MakeofThis,Professor?Anenormousworkitwas,coveringtwowalls,bentinthe
middleonaspecialhingedframe.Itshowedaceruleanbluesky,withhailstones:
thousandsandthousandsofhailstones,sixmonths'painstakinglabor,andeach
hailstonehadatinyimageoftheVirginMaryonit.
PuzzledviewersmighthavefoundsomeenlightenmentintheFirstPararealiste
Manifesto:

WeofthePararealistemovement,recognizingthemeaninglessnessofthischaosthat
foolscalllife,findtherelevanceofexistenceonlyinitsmonstrosities.

ButwearenotExistentialistsoranythingofthatsort,thankGod;andbesides,the
perversitiesofhumanityhavegrownboring.AftertheFernandoPooIncident,whatcan
ameremandothatwillshockus?Itistheabnormalitiesofnaturethatwefind
illuminating;thatiswhatdistinguishesusfromsadists,NewLeftists,andother
intellectualhoodlums.

WearedelightedthatPluto,Mickey,andGoofyareallatoddanglesfromtheplaneof
theeightinnerplanets.WearethrilledwithBohr'sgreatprincipleofRelativity,which
showsthattolookoutintospaceisalsotolookbackwardintime.WEARETHEDAY
AFTERYESTERDAY!!!

SomesaidthatthePararealisteswereevenbetteratwritingmanifestosthanatpainting
pictures;buttheymeantwhattheysaid.ThehailstonesinWhatDoYouMakeofThis,
Professor?werenoimageofdreamordelirium"Wespitonsurrealism!Fantasyisevery
bitasdrearyasLogic!ItistheREALthatweseek!"theFirstManifestohadalso
declared.WhatLoupGarouhadsopainstakinglydepictedwasanoccurrencethat
actuallyhappenedatLyonsin1920.Xeroxesoftheoldnewspaperstoriesaboutthe
event("PEASANTSSEEVIRGINONHAILSTONES")weredistributedtothepress,
emphasizingagainthatPararealistesonlypaintedthereal,orastheyalwayswrote,the
REAL.

LittlePierredelaNuitPierrotleFou,hestyledhimselfwasLoupGarou'sbestfriend
andhadcontributedseventeencanvasestothefirstshow.Magnificent,monstrous
thingstheywere,ofcourseflyingsaucers,allofthem:blueandgoldandsilverand
greenandbrightorange,shapedlikedoughnutsorboomerangsorellipsoidsorcones.
Everyoneofthemhadbeenreportedintheskybysomebodyorotherinthepastforty
years.

LoupGaroucirculatednewsstoriesabouteachsighting,youcanbesure,to
demonstrateagainpararealisme'sdevotiontotheREAL.
ThentherewasJeanCul'sTheSheepCow;someclaimeditwasthegreatestofall
Pararealistepaintings.Itportrayedananimalhalfsheepandhalfcow,averitableinsult
tothelawsofgenetics.SuchananimalhadbeenborninSimcoe,Ontario,in1888.
Theycirculatednewsstoriesaboutit.

AllofthiscreatedsomuchinternationaldiscussionthatthePararealistesimmediately
releasedthesecondManifesto.(TheyhadlearnedsomethingaboutP.R.fromtheearly
surrealists.)

Theydenouncedthosewhodidnotliketheirpaintingsasfools.Theythendenounced
thosewhodidliketheirpaintingsasdamnedfools,forlikingthemforthewrong
reasons.Theywentontofulminateagainsteverybodyingeneral:

Werenounceandhurlinvectiveupontherationalistconductingexperimentsinhis
laboratory.Everyinstrumentheusesisacreationofhumannarcissism;itemergesfrom
thehumanegoasAthenefromtheheadofZeus.Therationalistimposeshisownorder
ontheseinstruments;theyimposeorderonthedata;andhethenproclaimsthatthe
universeisasconstipatedandmechanisticashisownmind!Whathasthisepistemo
logicalmasturbationtodowiththeREAL?

Andweabominateandcastfulminationsupontheirrationalist,also.Beholdhim,inhis
druggedstupor,maddenedbyopiumorhashish,gazinginwardanddepictinghis
childishdreamandnightmaresoncanvas.Heisaslimitedbythehumanunconscious
astherationalistisbythehumanconscious.NeitherofthemcanseetheREAL!!!

ItreadsbetterintheoriginalFrench.Butitwouldhavebeenatopnewsstoryifithadn't
beeneclipsedbythesingularlyobscene"miracle"atCanterburyCathedralthatweek.

Thedetailsofthealleged"miracle"hadbeencensoredandcoveredupbyhighChurch
officialsfromtheverybeginning.Newspapers,atfirst,printedonlyshortitemssaying
thatsomethingstrangecausedtheArchbishopofCanterburytoturnaghastlywhite
duringMassandstumblesobadlythathefelloffthealtar.

OfcoursesomecynicsimmediatelyassumedthatHisEminencewasasdrunkasa
skunk.Therearealwaystypeslikethat,believingtheworstofeverybody.
Thentherumorsstartedtocirculate.ThosewhohadbeenintheCathedralsaidthatthe
MostReverendArchbishophadnotsomuchstumbledasjumped,andthathis
expressionwasoneofsuchfearandloathingthatallpresentfeltatoncethatsomething
distinctlyeldritchandunholyhadinvadedthechurch.Others,imaginativetypesand
religioushysterics,claimedtohavefeltsomethingcoldandclammymovingintheair,or
tohaveseen"auras."

BythetimetherumorshadgonethreetimesaroundtheUnitedKingdomandtwice
aroundEurope,thereweredetailsthatcameoutoftheNecronomiconorthegrim
fictionsofStoker,Machen,Walpole.Hornedmen,Thingswithtentacles,andLinda
LovelacewereprominentlyfeaturedintheseembroideredversionsoftheCanterbury
Horror,asitwasbeginningtobecalled.

Thepress,ofcourse,gotmoreinterestedatthispoint,andtheReverendArchbishop
wasconstantlybesiegedtoconformordenythemostoutlandishanddistastefulreports
aboutwhathadoccurred.AtfirstHisEminencerefusedtospeaktothepressatall,but
finally,bythetimesomescandalsheetswereclaimingthatNyarlathotep,themad
facelessgodofKhem,hadappearedonthealtarbellowingCthulhufthagn!,the
ArchbishopissuedatersestatementthroughhisPressSecretary.

"Nothinguntowardhappened.HisEminencemerelytrippedonthealtarrug,andany
furtherdiscussionwouldbefutile."

ThismerelyfannedtheflamesofRumor,ofcourse.

Onelegendcirculatedevenmorethantheothers,perhapsbecauseitappealedto
prurientinterest,ormaybejustbecauseitwastheversiongivenbyafewpeoplewho
hadactuallybeenintheCathedralduringMass.

Accordingtothisyarn,amiraculousflyingRehnquistjustliketheonesinthemuralsat
Pompeii,exceptthatitdidn'thavewingshadsoaredacrossthefrontofthechurch,
barelymissingHisEminence'shighepiscopalnose.

Thejudicious,ofcourse,didnotcreditthiswildrumor.Theywereallcomingaround,as
thejudicioususuallydo,totheviewofthecynics.TheArchbishop,theysaid,hadbeen
stewedtothegills.

HisEminencewasnofool,however.Afterthefirstshock,hehadbegunhisown
investigation,aidedbyafewtrusteddeacons.

Theyfoundtheslingshot,abandoned,onthefloorofthefirstpew,totheright.Thatwas
thedirectiontheRehnquisthadcomefrom,andtheyallbreathedasighofrelief.

TheArchbishoptoldthem,then,therumorshehadheardabouttheincidentofthe
UnistatAmbassadorwhohadtobeputonmorphineafterfindingIt,wrappedinpink
ribbon,onastaircase.

"Wearedealingwithaderangedmind,"HisEminencesaid,"butnotwithanything
'supernatural,'thankGod."

TheyneverfoundtheRehnquist,butastheArchbishoppointedout,"theperpetrator
mayhaveconfederates."

Everybodytriedtorememberwhohadbeensittingintheextremerightofthefirstpew.
Theycarefullymadeupalist,includingeverybody'sseparatememories,halfmemories,
orpseudomemories.Thelistlookedlikethis:

LordandLadyBugge

theHon.GuyFawkeshunt,M.P.and

EvaGebloomenkraft

KenCampbellandEvaGebloomenkraft

theHon.FissionChips,F.R.S.and

EvaGebloomenkraft

"Onenameseemstostandout,doesn'tit?"askedHisEminence.
"EvaGebloomenkraft,"saidadeacon."Isn'tshethatJetSetmillionairesswhogotinto
somuchtroubleinUnistattwoyearsagoforputtinglaughinggasintheairconditioning
systematameetingoftheJointChiefsofStaff?"

ThesuddendeathofBonnyBenedictcreatedwavesofconfusionandapprehensionfar
beyondwhatordinarilywouldhaveresultedfromsuchatragicaccident.

ThefirstoneaffectedwasPollyEstherDoubleknit,whocalleddownfromherexecutive
officetotheCityDeskatonce.

"WhatthehellhappenedtoBonny?"shedemanded.

TheCityEditorspokeinahoarsecroak."ItseemstobewhattheTVnewssaid,aheart
attack."Hewasbeginningtofeelthathe'dbethenextvictim,sincehisbloodpressure
seemedtoberisingeveryminute.

"Aheartattack?"PollyEstherwasdumbfounded."Butwhatabouttheman?"

"He'sbeingheld,ofcourse,"theCityEditorsaid."ButGodknowswhatthey'llcharge
himwithmanslaughter,negligenthomicide,whoknows?There'sneverbeenacaselike
thisbefore."

"Theyhadbetterchargehimwithsomething,"PollyEsthersaidcrisply."Orthispaper
willlandontheD.A.'sofficewithallfourfeet.DoImakemyselfclear?"

AdmiralBabbitnearlyjumpedoutofhisskinwhenthenewsreachedWashington.

"It'sthoseBriggsingBryantingfaggotsfromAlexandria!"hescreamed."Andthey're
gonnatrytopinitonus!"

ThiswasadefensiveoverreactioncausedbythefactthatOldIronBallshadbeen
contemplatingvariouswaysofbringingaboutthedemiseofMs.Benedict.Buthe
distrustedEinsteinandneuroanalysis"Jewisheggheadstuff"andneverrealizedthat
mostofhismentationsconsistedofdefensiveoverreactions.

"I'llfixthoseRehnquistsuckers,"hesaidtoanaide."GetolddelaPlume,andtellhim
I'vegotabigjobforhim."

ThisreferredtoMr.ShemusdelaPlume,NavalIntelligence'sacehandwritingforger.

Andso,withinthirtysixhours,theWashingtonPosthadcomeintopossessionofa
diary,allegedlywrittenbyJohnDisk,themanwhohadkilledBonnyBenedict.Thediary
onlylookedcrypticatfirstglance.Withalittlestudy,anybodywithatleasttwoinchesof
foreheadcouldfigureout,fromtheabbreviationsandclumsycodesused,thatDiskhad
beenanemployeeoftheCentralIntelligenceAgency.

ThiswasquiteashocktobothDiskandtheCIA,whohadneverhadanyconnection
witheachother.

Actually,DiskhadbeenraisedintheTrueHolyRomanCatholicChurch,abizarre
fascistoidsplintergroupwhichhadbrokenwiththeVaticanduringthereignofPope
StephenofDublin.

WhenDiskreachedhisadolescenceintheearly1970s,however,strangethingsbegan
tohappentohim.AtfirsthethoughtitwasdemonshehadseenTheExorcistand
believedeverybitofitbuthispriesttoldhimitwasallbecausehekeptLourdinghimself.

DiskwenttoConfessioneverytimehegaveintothetemptationtoLourdeoff,which
wasfivetimesaweekafterhereachedseventeen,andthepriestkepttellinghimtouse
SelfControlandtakecoldshowers.Thepriestalsosaidthatallthedemonswereinhell
andJohnnyshouldstopworryingaboutthem.

Theonlypeoplewhobelievedindemonicpossession,thepriestsaid,werethe
benightedfanaticsintheOrthodoxHolyRomanCatholicChurch.

EverybodyintheTrueHolyRomanCatholicChurchdespisedandhatedthemembers
oftheOrthodoxHolyRomanCatholicChurch,whichwasanothersplintergroupthat
hadbrokenawayfromtheVaticanduringthereignofPopeStephen.Themembersof
theOrthodoxHolyRomanCatholicChurchhatedthemback,youcanbesure.Infact,in
thetypicalmannerofsplintergroups,theyeachhatedtheothermorethantheyhated
thecommonenemy,thehereticsintheVatican.
JohnDiskfinallydecidedthatwhatwaswrongwithhimwasnotcausedbydemonsand
sincehewasabletocutdownonhisLourdingofftoonlytwiceaweekafterhepassed
twentyitwasn'tentirelycausedbySin,either.

Hewasbeingpoisoned.

Thereasonhehadcyclesofagitationandelation,followedbycyclesofanxietyand
growingfearthateverythingwassomehowunreal,wasbecausehewaseatingan
Impurediet.

Thereasontherewerewarsandrumorsofwars,andrevolutionsanddepressions,and
pornographyandlewd,sinfulwomeninimmodestclothingoneverystreetwasbecause
allthefoodwasfulloftoxic,minddestroyingchemicals.

ThepeopleresponsibleforthisweretheTriangularCommission,thePowerElite,the
EldersofZion,theBavarianIlluminati,andtheAmericanMedicalAssociation.

HehadlearnedthisbyreadingbooksonOrganicDietfrombookstoresrunbytheJohn
BirchSociety,theNaturalHygienists,thePurityofEcologyParty,andvariousother
groupswhowereinclinedtogothroughcyclesofagitation,elation,anxiety,feelingsof
unreality,etc.,andhadrealizedthiswascausedbyImpurityofEssenceintheirfood.

JohnDiskreadagreatdealofthisliteratureandchangedhismindabouttwentytimes
beforehefinallydecidedwhichschoolof"correctnutrition"wasreallycorrect.

HedecidedPurityofEcologywasthegroupthatreallyknewwhatthehellwasgoingon.
HebelievedeverywordinUnsafeWhereverYouGobyPOE'sfounder,Furbish
Lousewart.

Bytheageoftwentythree,DiskwasatypicalPOEmember.Whennotputtinginhis
thirtyhoursaweekworkingintheirprintingplantwherehereceivedlodgingandan
OrganicDietinlieuofpayhewasoutonthestreetssellingtheirnewspaper,Doom,or
givingawaytheirfourpageminipamphlets,whichhadtitleslikePoisoninEveryPot;
Science:Satan'sPlotAgainstGodandMan;andJimmyCarter,ServantoftheJesuit
ZionistConspiracy.
POEhatedPresidentCarterbecausehehaddefeatedFurbishLousewartinthe1980
election.But,withthetypicallogicofsplintergroups,theydidnothateCarternearlyas
muchastheyhatedEveHubbard,oftheLibertarianImmortalistParty,whoalsogot
morevotesthanLousewart,eventhoughshecameinthird.

ThePOEpeoplehatedtheLibertarianImmortalistsforanotherreason,whichwasthat
theLIPplatformwasblasphemousandunpatriotic.

Hubbard'ssloganwas"Nomoredeathandtaxes."

Sheplannedtoendtaxesbyrunningthegovernmentlikeaprofitsharingcorporation,
terminatingallinterferenceintheinternalaffairsofothercountries(thusallowingthe
militarybudgettobecuteveryyear,insteadofgrowingeveryyear),andpayingeach
citizenadividendontheprofitstheUnistatCorporationearnedthroughinvestingin
spacecolonizationtotapintothevastenergyandresourcesofFreeSpace.

Hubbardplannedtoenddeathbyinvestingtheprofitsfromspaceinlongevityresearch,
whichthemajorityofscientistsinthefieldwerenowconvincedcouldleadtodoublingor
triplingthehumanlifespaninthefirstgeneration,andcouldleadtoindefiniteexpansion
thereafter.

ThePOEpeoplerealizedthattheseproposalswerescientificandrational.

TheythereforeregardedthemasSatanic.

AfterthreeyearsinPOE,JohnDiskstillhadcyclesofagitationandunreality;butthe
leadersofthecultassuredhimthatittookatleastthatlongforthepoisonsinhis
previousdiettoleavehissystemtotally.IfhestayedonthecorrectPOEdiet,they
insisted,hewouldbecomeassereneastheywere.

Still,thingsweregettingtobemoreunrealmoreofthetime.Disklookedinthemirror
onemorning,combinghishair,andseemedtoseeamiddleagedmanlookingoutat
him.Itwasonlyaflash,asinglecrackinthefabricoftime,butitwasunnerving.When
thefaceturnedbacktohisownyoung,blackhaired,palehewonderedforawild
momentifheweretrulyayoungmanwhohadhadavisionofhimselftwentyyears
olderoramiddleagedmanwhowasnowhavingahallucinationofhimselftwentyyears
younger.

Butthatwasonlyashortfugue,forinamomentherecognizedthatthefaceinthe
mirrorwasnothistwentyyearslater,butratherafacethathadadornedthecoverof
Timemagazineafewmonthsago.ItwasthefaceofDr.FrancisDashwood,presidentof
OrgasmResearchInc.,CommiepervertSatanistsinnerwhospentmostofhistime
observingthingsthatJohnwouldliketodobutwasafraidtodobecauseoftwentyyears
ofconditioningbytheTrueHolyRomanCatholicChurch.

Whichwasbadenough,certainly,butnotasbadaswhatwastocome:voicesatfirstso
faintastobebarelyperceptible,butslowlyandinsidiouslygrowinglouder,voiceswhich
werefemaleandkeptsayingYouareGeorgeDornandImagineyoucanseemy
BrownmillersthroughmysweaterandTheinterpenetrationoftheuniverseshasbegun,
butmostlysayingoverandoverYouareGeorgeDorn.

Andtherewereoccasions,onlyasecondinexternaltimebutstretchingtoinfinityina
multipleofnewdimensionshefoundorcreatedwithin,whentheSageswouldgather
himintotheirMayberealm("InadditiontoaYesandaNo,theuniversecontainsa
Maybe"wasthepasswordtopasstheLurkerattheThreshold)andtherewouldbe
Jesussaying"Isitnotwritten,YeareGods?"andEmperorNortonsaying"Ijustmade
myselfEmperorofUnistat,ProtectorofMexico,andKingoftheJews,"andFedXing
saying"Therearemanyuniversesandmindstates"andBeethovensingingthe
evolutionaryscenarioineightcyclesandGreatChtulhu'sStarryWisdomBandand
GloriousLuciferSonoftheMorningwhohadneverfallenbecausethemessageofthe
scriptureswaswrittenbackwardinamirrorandthenLindaLovelacewouldcomeinand
startdoingdisgustingimmoralthingsandhewouldbeback,thesplinterofeternity
contractingtheEuclidean3D,standingonastreethandingoutPoisoninEveryPotand
wonderingifhewaslosinghismind.

Butthegoodpartsofitweresogood,JesusandtheweirdbutwiseEmperorNorton
andsomeoftheSpaceBrothers,thathewisheditwouldcontinue,ifonlyitdidn'tkeep
turningintothatsinfulanddisgustingbusinessaboutLindaLovelace;buthewas
beginningtofigureitout;hewasnotthefooltheythoughthimnotbyalongshot.He
knewthat,nowthatthepoisonsinthefoodwerebeginningtowearoffTheyhadstarted
aiminganelectronicThoughtControlmachineathisbrain,sohedidnotpayattention
nomatterhowmanytimestheseductivefemalevoicesaidYOUAREGEORGEDORN
YOUAREGEORGEDORNYOUAREGEORGEDORN.

Sowhenhehadreadthatbitch,thatBriggsingBryantingwhorefortheBigCorporations
andtheSexEducatorsandCattleMutilatorsoftheSatanistVaticanZionistconspiracy,
thatlyingtooloftheEstablishment,thatcontemptibleBonnyBenedictclaimingthat
FurbishLousewartwasahypocriteandameateater,claimingitwhenheknewitwas
not,couldnotbe,true,damnher,thepigwhoreoftheJewJesuitmoneypowers,asifa
realChristianAmericanlikeFurbishwouldpollutehisbody,thetempleofGod,withthe
fleshofadeadanimal,thelyingwhore,heknewhewouldfixherandfixhergoodand
proper,andshowthemall,thedemonicjackalheadedlotofthemwiththeirlaserbeams
flashingintohisbrainsayingYOUAREGEORGEDORNYOUAREGEORGEDORN.

Soheknewtheperfectthing,theonlywaytoexpresstotalcontemptforthepig
Establishment,thegreatlessonsofthesagesoftheClownologicalCounterCulture,the
attackthatfrightened,punished,andhumiliatedallatonceandyethadtobeendured
as"onlyajoke,"thebitch,thatwouldfixher.

Soheboughtthepie,aBostonCreamspecialthatwas"richandthick,"accordingtothe
signinthebakery,andwaitedforherinthemorningoutsidetheNewYorkNewsTimes
Postetc.,andwhenthebitch,thelyingwhore,gotoutofherlimousine,hewasready,
hesteppedforward,andheletherhaveitSMASHrightintheface.

ButthentheoldladymyGod,shelookedlikehismother,herealizedstartedchoking
andwheezingandfelldownonthesidewalkandheknew.Heknewevenbeforethecop
arrivedfromthecorner,evenbeforethecrowdtoldthecopingreatangerandoutrage
whathadhappened,evenbeforetheambulancearrived,evenbeforethedoctorsaid,
"She'sgone."

Andthenthecoplookedathimandheknewalltherestofit,thebookingandthe
fingerprintingandthemugshotandthenbeingaloneinthecellallnightwiththevoices
sayingYOUAREGEORGEDORN.

Thingswerecomingtoahead.

NathanielF.X.Drest,secretchiefoftheUnistatSectorCIA,hadfeltuneasyforalong
time.SincethedeathofPresidentCarter,infact.Itwasn'tjustthatthethenVice
President,nowPresident,HughCrane,wasrightoutofnowhere,atotalunknown,not
oneofTHEM;similarsituationshadarisenafewtimesinthepast,andthenovicehad
easilybeeninitiatedintothesecretscienceofStrangeLoopsandMindControl,
seducedwithoutthenecessityofbribery,cajolery,orthreatsintogladlybecomingone
ofTHEM.No:theunsettlingthingwasthatCarter'sdeathwasunplanned,random,a
surprisetoeveryone;itmightevenhavebeenduetonaturalcauses.

Yes:thingsweredefinitelyandbodaciouslycomingtoahead.

NathanielDresthadnotlastedassecretchiefoftheCIAforthirtyyearswithout
acquiringgreatpragmaticsavvyaboutthespookysideofpredestination."Onceis
happenstance,twiceiscoincidence,threetimesisenemyaction"hadbeenthemottoof
oneofthegreatmastersofStrangeLoops,lanFleminghimself;butDrestknewthat
whatwasreallygoingonwasfarweirderthanevenFlemingcouldcomprehend.

Behindthemild,professorial,bespectacledfacadeofNathanielDrest,officiallylistedas
economicsresearcherinthebudgetreports,wastheonemancapableofservingas
secretchiefoftheUnistatCIAthroughthirtylongyears,whileonedummyafteranother
posedastheofficialheadoftheclandestineorganization.Drestwasaphilosopherand
avisionary;hehadforged,fromMachiavelli,Marx,Lenin,Mao,Mussolini,Nietzsche,
Napoleon,WilliamF.Buckley,Jr.,andtheThreeLegendarySagesTuring,Fleming,
Wheatleythecoldlylogical,existential,pragmaticstrategyforeternalrulebyhimselfand
hisfriendsinTHEM,andtotalexterminationanderadicationofallpossibilityofrebellion
bytherestofhumanity.

Hehadbeentoldonce,byasociobiologist,thathewasagiantDNArobot,programmed
toadvancethegrowthandexpansionofhisgenepool.Hethoughtthatwasan
amusing,althoughlimited,viewofwhatwasgoingon;andhecertainlyhadnointerest
insuchevolutionarytheoriesasjustificationsofwhathedid.Heneededno
justifications;thathisgoalswererationallydesirabletohimwasallthatwasnecessary
orprofitabletocontemplate.

Theworldcertainlydeservedtoberuledbyhisgenepool,bythoseWhiteAngloSaxon
PresbyteriansandEpiscopalianswhohadgonetoGrotonandHarvard,and
occasionallytherewouldberoomforabrightboyfromYale,andthiswassoobvious
thatitneedednolongrangeevolutionaryjustifications.Youjusthadtolookaroundthe
worldtoseethatnoothergenepoolwassmartenough,toughenough,and
fundamentallyliberalenoughtodothejobjustlyandwisely.

JohnRuskinandCecilRhodeshadseenthechoiceacenturyago;aworldruledbyone
Anglooligarchyonscientificandsocialistprinciples,oraworldofanarchyandchaos,
withconstantwarsandrevolutions.Ofcourse,therehadbeensomeanarchy,chaos,
wars,andrevolutionssinceDresthadtakenover,butthatwasduetosurviving
ideologicalpoisonsontheinternationalsystemandwouldbecuredwhentheplanethad
beenonthecorrect,Drestdirectedmentaldietforafewmoredecades.Butthingswere
comingtoahead.ThedamnedRuskiesstillobstinatelyclungtotheirobsoleteAdam
Smitheconomics,andmuchoftheIslamicworldwasunrulyandrebellious.Butworstof
allwastheDiscordianSociety.

DrestknewallabouttheDiscordianSociety,orthoughthedid.Hewasconvincedthey
werebehindthislatestattempttodiscredittheCompanywiththatforgeddiarylinking
themtotheBonnyBenedict"CreamPie"murder.Healsobelievedthattheywerethe
secretorganizationbehindallthelesserconspiraciesthatannoyedandsometimes
frustratedhimthemalignantlynihilisticNetworkthathadPotterStewartedhisown
computerandGodknowshowmanyothercomputers,thedupesinPOEandthe
LibertarianImmortalistParty,thedamnedmoralisticmeddlesomeStephenites,Weather
Underground,thetraitorsoveratNavalIntelligence,thesinisterInvisibleHandSociety,
theterroristicMorituri,andthedamnedRuskiesandArabs.

DresthadfirstlearnedabouttheDiscordianSocietyinastrange,obscene,subversive
novelcalledIlluminatus!Hewasconvinceditwasallfictionatfirst.Butthenhe
discoveredthattheallegedBibleoftheDiscordians,theperverseandparadoxical
PrincipiaDiscordia,actuallyexisted.Whenheputtwomenonthecasetheysoon
reportedthatcopiesofthePrincipiacouldbefoundinmanysciencefictionand
libertarianbookstoresalloverUnistat,andthatitcouldbeorderedthroughthemailfrom
acompanyabsurdlyanddisarminglynamedLoompanicsUnlimitedinPortTownsend,
Washington.

Ofcoursehewantedtobelievethatwasalltherewastoit,justasmall,oddballcultno
morelikelytoinfluenceeventsthantheLibertarianImmortalistswere.Butthenbitbybit
thedamningdetailsaccumulated.EmperorJoshuaNorton,KingoftheJews,wasa
Discordiansaint,andEmperorNortonwasalsoinexplicablybecomingan"in"person.
TherewasaplayaboutEmperorNortonrunninginSanFrancisco,posterscelebrating
himforsalealloverthecountry.TheDiscordianmantra"Fnord"wasseenscrawledon
wallsinmoreandmoreplaces,andonthepyramidonthebackofthedollarbill.
CharactersinIlluminatus!,whohehadassumedwerefictional,oftenappearedwriting
bookormoviereviewsforvariousmagazines,andacheckshowedthattheyhadbeen
writingletterstothePlayboyForumandtheChicagonewspaperssincetheearly1960s.
DiscordiancabalsappearedinEngland,Germany,Japan,Australia,andthemost
unlikelyplaces.

DresthadmadeacarefulstudyoftheDiscordianphilosophyandrealizeditwasthe
kindofoutlandishnonsensethatwouldappealtothekindofpeoplewhomadeallthe
troubleinhistorybrilliant,intellectual,slightlyderangeddopefiendsandoddballmath
andtechnologybuffs.ManyofthepioneerDiscordianswerecomputerprogrammers(he
rememberedthatfacteverytimetheCompany'scomputeransweredasimpleprogram
withGIVEMEACOOKIEorTHEGOVERNMENTSUCKS)andothershaddocumented
linkswiththeLibertarianImmortalists,theLSDsubculture,andgroupsassinisterasthe
witchesandtheanarchists.

TheDiscordiansbelievedthatGodwasaCrazyWoman.FortheWomanpartofit,they
usedtheusualTaoistandFeministargumentsabouttheCreativeForcebeingdark,
female,subtle,fecund,andineverywayoppositetoMaleAuthoritarianism.Forthe
Crazypart,theypointedtoPickering'sMoon,whichgoesaroundbackward,torainsof
crabsandperiwinklesandlivesnakes,totheparadoxesofquantumtheory,andtothe
religiousandpoliticalbehaviorofhumanityitself,allofwhich,theyclaimed,
demonstratedthatthefabricofrealitywasamosaicofchaos,confusion,deception,
delusion,andStrangeLoops.

And,Drestknew,theyweredefinitelylinkedwiththeNetwork.Althoughcomputer
specialistsonlyspokeoftheNetworkinwhispers,theCompanyhadadetailedfileon
them.TheNetworkwasdevotedtothelongsuppressed,muchpersecuted,but
persistentundergroundreligionofcocainefoundedbytheeccentricphysicianSigmund
Freud.TheydevoutlybelievedintheliteraltruthofFreud'svisionoftheSuperman.
("Whatisman?Abridgebetweentheprimateandthesupermanabridgeoveran
abyss,"FreudwroteinhisDiaryofaHopeFiend.)ToachievetheSuperman,the
Networkwassystematicallyfrustratingeveryothergroupofconspiratorsontheplanet
byglitchingthecomputers,andmeanwhiledivertingfundsfromlegitimateactivitiesto
subsidizedissidentscientistsengagedinresearchonimmortalityandhigher
intelligence."Cocaineisamemoryofthefuture"wasthesicksloganofthismisguided
groupofderangedintellectuals."Ourmindswillfunctionasecstaticallyasoncocaine,
withoutthejitters,onceweachieveimmortalityandlearntoreprogramourbrainsas
efficientlyaswereprogramourcomputers,"theywenton."Whenwedon'thavetodie
andcanconstantlyincreaseourawarenessofdetail,"theyalsosaid,"wewillhaveno
moreproblems,onlyadventures."Naturally,everygovernmentintheworld,eventhe
nearanarchisticFreeMarketmaniacsinRussia,hadoutlawedthisbizarrecult.

AnevenmoresinisterDiscordianfrontorganization,accordingtoDrest'scoldlylogical
analysisofwhatwasreallygoingon,wastheinsidiousInvisibleHandSociety.

WhatwasmostdeviousabouttheInvisibleHanderswasthattheydisdainedsecrecy
andoperatedrightoutintheopen,tellingeverybodywhattheyweredoingandwhyand
whattheyhopedtoaccomplish.Theyhadofficesinallmajorcitiesandgavefree
coursesintheirpoliticoeconomicsystemjustliketheoldHenryGeorgeschoolsatthe
turnofthecentury.

ItwasveryhardforDresttopersuadetheothereightUnknownMenwhoruledtheCIA
inotherpartsoftheworldthattheInvisibleHandwasthemostdangeroussortof
conspiracy.

"Aconspiracydoesn'toperateintheopen,"theykeptremindinghim.Sometimesthey
wouldtellhimhewasworkingtoohardandshouldtakeavacation.

"That'swhat'ssosubtleanddevilishaboutit,"Drestwouldexplain,overandover.
"Nobodycanrecognizeaconspiracythat'soutintheopen.It'sakindofopticalillusion
thatthey'reusingtoundermineus."

"Buttheydon'tbelieveweexist,"hewouldbetold.

"That'sanoversimplification,"hewouldinsist."Theyadmitweexistandoccupyspace
timeandsoon.Theyjustteachthatallthetitleswegiveourselvesaremeaninglessand
allouractsarefutilesincetheInvisibleHandcontrolseverything,anyway."

TheothereightwouldagainsuggestthatDrestneededavacation.
Thingswerecomingtoahead.

Thefirstlessongiventopeoplewhosignedupforthecourseof"PoliticalandEconomic
Reality"attheInvisibleHandSociety,Drestknew,concernedpolicemenandsoldiers.

Twomeninblueuniformswouldappearonthestage,carryingguns.

"BlueuniformsareReal,"thelecturerwouldsay."GunsareReal.Policemenareasocial
fiction."

Threemeninbrownuniformswouldappear,carryingrifles.

"BrownuniformsareReal,"thelecturerwouldsay."RiflesareReal.Soldiersareasocial
fiction."

Andsoitwouldgo,allthroughthelecture.Puremindrot,and,thankGod,mostpeople
founditallsoabsurd,andyetsofrightening,thattheynevercamebackforanyofthe
subsequentlectures.

ButthepeoplewhodidcomebackworriedDrest;theywerethetypesheloathedand
feared.LikeCassius,theyhadaleanandhungrylookandtheythoughttoomuch.

Andtheythoughtaboutthewrongthings.

AndnowtherewasthematterofthematerializinganddematerializingRehnquist,
obviouslyaDiscordianplot,inDrest'sestimation.Whatothergroupcouldconceiveit,
muchlessorganizeandaccomplishit?Fnord,indeed!

TherehadbeenthecaseoftheAmbassadorwhofounditonastaircase;andthe
antipornographycrusaderwhoencounteredit,temporarilypaintedred,white,andblue,
floatinginabowlofFruitPunch;andthatunspeakableincidentinvolvingHisEminence
theVeryReverendArchbishopofCanterbury;andGodknowshowmanyothercases
theCompanyhadneverheardabout.

AndPresidentCranewassaidtobefarmoreofanoddballthananybodyhadrealized,
havingstrangegroupsformidnightmeetingsintheOvalRoom,whereincensewas
burnedinprofusion,andtheSecretServicemenclaimedtohearstrangechantsthat
sounded,theysaid,like"YogSothothNeblodZin."Thingswerecomingtoahead.

THEOLDTIMERELIGION

CharlesWindsor,PrinceofWales,wasabouttobecrownedKingofEngland.

ItwasasacredoccasionforallBritishsubjects,stillgrievingfortheQueenMother,who
hadpassedawaysosuddenly.Butinthemidstofthemourning,therewasmuch
excitement,sinceCharleswouldobviouslymakeasmashingking;hewasbright,he
waswitty,hewasgoodlooking,andhehadsenseenoughnottomeddleinpolitics.

TherewasonediscordantvoiceinthecrowdoutsideBuckinghamPalacewaitingforthe
newkingtoreturnfromthecoronationatWestminsterAbbey.Thiswasaplump,stately
youngIrishmanwhokeptsinging,offkey:

Owon'twehaveamerrytime

Drinkingwhiskey,beer,andwine

Oncoronation

Coronationday

Voiceskepttellinghimtohush,buthewouldturntosuchspoilsportsandsay
dramatically,"ThesacredpintaloneisthelubricationofmyMuse."

"Drunkenruffian,"somebodymuttered.

"Well,whatifheis?"theIrishmansaidsuavely."Hestilllookslikeaking,andisthatnot
whatreallymatters?"
"Iwasn'tcallingthekingadrunkenruffian,"thevoiceprotested,tooemotionally.

"'ere,now,who'scallingmebloodykingaruffian?"saidasoldier."I'llknockthePotter
StewartingheadoffanyPotterStewartingBryanterthatsaysawordagainstmePotter
Stewartingking!"

"Hush,"anotherchorusjoinedin.

"Don'thushme,youBryantingsods!"

"It'sovercomeIamentirely,"theIrishmansaid,"bytherollingeloquenceofyourlean,
unlovelyEnglish.YouwerequotingShakespeare,perchance?"

"'ere,areyoumakingsportofme,mate?I'llwringyourBryantingPotterStewarting
neck,soIwill..."

"Herehecomes!"somebodyshouted.

Andothervoicestookupthecry:"Theking!Theking!"

EvaGebloomenkraft,certainlytheloveliestwomaninthecrowd,hadbeenlisteningto
allthiswithherownprivateamusement,butnowshereacheddownandbegantoopen
herpurse,abitstealthily,perhaps,yetnotquitestealthilyenough,itseemed,foranother
handclosedabruptlyoverhers.

"Rumpole,CID,ScotlandYard,"saidavoice,asabadgewasflashedbriefly."I'mafraid
you'llhavetocomealong,miss."

TheArchbishopofCanterburyhadsharedhissuspicionsaboutMs.Gebloomenkraft
withtheYard,andtheyhadbeenonthelookoutforherallthroughcoronationday.

ButwhentheyhadherbackintheinterrogationroomonBowStreet,therewasno
Rehnquistinherpurse.

"Isoldit,"shesaidafteranhourofinterrogation.And,attheirbaffledexpressions,she
added,"Itwasbecomingabore.Thejokewaswearingthin.Ineededsomethingelseto
exciteme."

"That'swhyyoudoit,then?"InspectorRumpoleasked."Forexcitement?"

Evaraisedwearyeyes."Whenyouhavesomuchmoneythatyoucanliterallyhire
anybodytodoliterallyanything,lifedoesbecometedious,"shesaid."Itrequiressome
imagination,then,torestorezesttoexistence."

Andallshehadinherpursewasaselfinflatingballoon,which,whenthecapwas
crushed,expandedtoaspherenearlytwentyfeetindiameterbearingtheslogan,in
hugepsychedeliccolors:

OVERALLTHEREISASMELLOFFRIEDONIONS

WhennextrecordedtheitinerantRehnquistwasinthepossessionofLadySybiline
Greystoke,whohadeitherpurchaseditdirectlyfromMs.Gebloomenkraftorhad
acquireditfromsomegobetween.

LadySybilinewasaneccentric,evenfortheBritishnobility.Shewassofartotheright,
politically,thatsheregardedtheMagnaCartaasdangerouslyradical.ShewassoHigh
ChurchthatshereferredtoCharlesIas"SaintCharlestheMartyr."Shehuntedlions,in
Africa,andwasacrackshot.Shewasalso,secretly,presidentoftheSapphoSociety,
thegroupofaristocraticLesbianswhohadsecretlygovernedEngland,behindthe
scenes,sincetheirfounder,ElizabethI.

LadySybilineandhergoodandintimatefriend,LadyRosePottingShedde,evidently
foundgreatamusement,betweenthem,withtheRehnquist,fortheyeventookitwith
themwhenLadySybilineembarked,thatsummer,forherannuallionhuntinKenya.

TheirWhiteHunteronthatexpeditionwasaredfacedmannamedRobertWilson,who,
likeClemCotex,knewhewaslivinginabook.

RobertWilsonhaddiscoveredthiswhensomebodyshowedhimthebookinquestion.It
wascalledGreatShortStoriesandwasbysomeYanknamedHemingway.Andtherehe
was,RobertWilson,playingafeaturedroleintheveryfirststory,"TheShortHappyLife
ofFrancisMacomber."

Itwasashock,atfirst,toseehimselfinabook,anditwasabitthicktofindhisdrinking
andhisredfacedescribedsodispassionately.Itwaslikeseeingyourselfonthetelly,
suddenlyobservingthemanwhowasyoufromoutside.

ThenWilsondiscoveredthathewasinanotherbook,butchangedintotallyarbitrary
waysthatvergedonsurrealism.Thisbookwasabitoftommyrotanddamnedfilthcalled
TheUniverseNextDoor,andhewas,infact,bothinsideitandoutsideit,beingboththe
authorofitandacharacterinit.

RobertWilsonbegantoexperiencecyclesofagitation,elation,anxiety,andagrowing
senseofunreality.

ThencameLadySybilineandLadyRoseandthatmysteriousobjecttheykeptinasmall
boxandkeptjokingabout,obscurely,betweenthemselves.

TheycalleditMarionBrando.

Theriverhadpebblesatthebottom.Theywereshinyandsmallandthewaterrushed
overthemconstantlyandyoucouldseecleartotheothersideofitifyouhadyour
glassesonandweren'ttoodrunk.RobertWilsonstaredatthepebbles,thinkingthey
werelikepearls,tryingnottorememberwhathadhappenedthatmorning.

"Afterall,itwasacleankill,"LadySybilinesaidbesidehim.Hewishedshewouldn't
talk.HewishedshewouldgoawayandtakeMarionBrandowithher.

"Thehills,inthedistance,"shesaid."Theylooklikewhiterhinoceri."

"Theylooklikewhiterhinoceri,"hesaid."JesusChrist."

"Don'ttalkthatway."

"Thebloodyhillsdon'tlookatalllikerhinoceri,"hesaid."Theyhavenohorns,forone
thing.Noexoskeletononthehead.Ineverheardsuchadamnedsillything.Theylook
likeelephants,actually."
"Stopit,"shesaid."Itwasn'tthatbad."

"Itwasbloodybad,"hesaid."Bloodyawfulbad."

"Ifithadn'thappened,woulditbecute,then,formetosaythehillslooklikewhite
rhinoceri?"

"Itwouldn'tbecutenomatterwhathappened."

"Oh,"shesaid."It'slikethat."

"Yes,"hesaid."It'slikethat."

"WillyoupleasepleasestoprepeatingeverythingIsay?"

Thewaterkeptrunning,alwaysrunning,overthepebblesthatwerelikepearls.

"Itwasbad,"hesaidagain."Bloodyawfulbad."

"Areyoualwaysthisrudetoyourclients?"

"Oh,itcomesdowntothat,"hesaid."Thehiredhelphavetokeepapolitetonguein
theirheads.YoubloodyEnglish."

"You'reEnglishyourself,"shesaid.

"I'mpartIrish.IwishIwereallIrishnow."

"Really.Youdon'thavetogoonlikethis.Everybodyisalittlebit...eccentric."

Thatwasthekindofwhiningexcusehedespised.Heknewthenthathewasgoingtobe
brutal.Somebodyhadtoteachthem.

"Englishliterature,"hesaid."Thereisnoneinthiscentury."
Shecringed.Heknewhehadreachedher.

"Stopit,"shesaid.

"EverythingworthreadingisbyIrishmen,"hesaid."PadraicColum.Beckett.O'Casey."

"Stopit.Stopit."

"Behan.BernardShaw.O'Flaherty."

"Stopit.Stopit.Stopit."

"I'mstopping,"hesaid."IfeelthatIvesaidallthisbeforesomewhere,already.Buthow
couldyoudoit?"

"Itexcitesme,"shesaid."Tohave...Marion...there...whileI'mfiringatalion."

Heshookhishead."Youareafiveletterwoman,"hesaidwearily.

ButthentheRehnquistmysteriouslydisappearedagain,backinNairobi,whileLady
SybilineandLadyRosewerestayingattheglamorousnewMauMauHilton.

LadySybilinewasfurious,butfrustrated.Therewasnowayofaskingthehotelto
questionitsemployeesaboutthetheftwithoutdescribingtheobjectthathadbeen
stolen,andthatwas,ofcourse,potentiallyembarrassing.

ButsheandLadyRosehadlotsofotherexcitinglittlegames,andtheysoonforgotall
about"MarionBrando."

Especiallyaftertheyboughtabeautifulplasticandrubberimitationwhichthey
christened"DavidBowie."

Itwasn'treallytheft,ofcourse;IndoleRinghwasapiousandholymanwhowouldnever
stealanything.Itwashisreligiousduty,asheconceivedit,toremovetheholyrelicfrom
theheathensandreturnittoitsrightfulhomeland.
IndoleRinghwasabrown,gnarled,perpetuallysmilinglittleman,theoffspringoften
generationsofveryconservativeHinduswhohadneveracceptedEnglishideasor
ideals.

Hehad,infact,threepersonalities.OnewasjustanordinaryHindunoblemanwhowas
alwayssmiling.Thesecond,whenhewasinSamadhi,wasanaweinspiringguru,no
morehumanthanastatueofBrahma.Thethird,whenhewasinDhyana,wasjustthe
brightest,quickest,mostcuriousmonkeyinthejungle.

Hedidn'tbelieveinanyofthosepersonalities;hejustwatchedthemcomeandgo,
blandlyindifferent.

Becausehepracticedhathayoga,bhaktiyoga,rajahyoga,andgnanayoga,and
becausehesmokedagreatdealofbhang,hewasasconsciousofdetailasClemCotex
orthelatePopeStephen.BecausehebelievedtheoldestVedasweretheimportant
ones,hehadnotruckwithmodernisticnotionsofaceticism,Britishprudery,orheathen
Missionarynonsenseofanysort.

HewasadevoutworshiperofShiva,godofsex,intoxication,death,andtransformation.
Hebelievedthatyoucouldn'tcometoyoursensesuntilyouwentoutofyourmind.He
keptalive,withinhisownprovince,theancientcultofShivaKali,thedivinecouple
whoseembracegeneratedthewholeplayofexistence.

Andnow,inNairobiofallplaces,hehadfound,somehowinthepossessionofa
heathenEnglishwoman,themostsacredofalllostrelicstheShivalingamitself,the
engineofthecreativelightning.

Soitwasnottheftatall;hewasmerelyrestoringtherelictotheplacewhereit
belonged,inIndia.

Infact,heplaceditonthealtarinhisowntemple,andinvitedthewholeprovinceto
comeseeitandmarvelandknowthepoweroftheDivineShiva,whopossessedsucha
toolofcreativity.

Hewasgoingtorestoretheoldtimereligion.
HemadeaspeechtotheassembledmultitudeonthefirstdaytheShivalingamwas
displayedinthetemple.HetoldthemthatthepolarityofShivaandKaliwasthebasic
pulseofcreation.HesaidtheChinesedimlydiscernedthisintheiryinandyang
symbolism,andtheheathenWestintheirconceptofpositivelyandnegativelycharged
particles.Heexplainedthatthemalefemalepolaritywastheengineofcreation,notjust
inthehumanandanimalkingdoms,butineveryaspectofnature.HesaidthatSamadhi
andDhyanaandnormalconsciousnesswereequallyreal,equallyunreal,andequally
pointless,butthatifyoucontemplatedthisShivalingamlongenoughitwouldn'tmatter
whetheryouunderstoodanyofthisornot.

HewassobombedonbhangthathekeptgoingintoSamadhieveryfewminutesduring
this,andthecrowd,bothhisolddisciplesandnewcomers,decidedhewasthewisest
andholiestmaninallIndia.

OldRinghkeptsmilingandgoingintoSamadhiandexplainingthatweareallbisexual
immortalswhoinhabitmanyuniversesandmindstates,andthecrowdkeptcheering
andgettinghigheronhisvibes,andfinallytheyallwentintothetempleand
contemplatedtheShivalingam,whereIndoleRinghhadplaceditonthealtar,facingthe
enormouscarvingofthesacredyonioftheBlackGoddess,Kali,andunderthefaded
photographoftheWiseManfromtheWest,GeneralCrowley,who,eventhoughan
Englishheathen,hadunderstoodtheMysteriesandhadspentmanyhours,while
smokingbhang,discussingwithRingh'sfatherhow,eveninmathematics,thesacred
yoniappearedinboththeshapeandthesubstanceof0,thevoid,whilethelingam
appearedintheshapeandsubstanceof1,thecreativelightning,andhow,outofthe
unionofthe0and1,allofthenumbersofcreationcouldbegeneratedinbinary
notation.

AndaseverybodymeditatedonthemiraculousreturnoftheShivalingam,oldRingh
rememberedhowGeneralCrowleypromised,whenhehadtoreturntotheWest,thathe
wouldusewhathehadlearnedinIndiatoteachthewholeworldhowthephallicspark
ofImagination,representedbythe1orlingam,generatedeverythingoutofabsolute0,
thedarkyoni,nothingness.

PARTONE
FLOSSING

Forgetit,Jake.It'sChinatown.
romanpolanski

OCCULTTECHNOLOGY

Letmecontrolaplanet'soxygensupplyandIdon'tcarewhomakesthelaws.
greatcthulhusstarrywisdomband

WhenClemCotexdecidedtoprogramhimselfintotheheadspaceoftheFirstBankof
Religiosophy,hesentfivedollarstoBadAss,Texas,forDr.HoraceNaismith'scassette
tape,"TheOccultTechnologyofMoneyandtheMoneylords."Bythetimethetape
arrivedinthemail,Clemhadbeenthroughsomanyetgenstates,bothasmaleand
female,thathenolongerwonderedabout"thestuffinthetomatojuice"andwasmerely
moderatelysurprisedoccasionallythatmostpeoplewerenotasflexibleintheirthinking
ashewas.Infact,ClemhadbeenaScientologist,asolipsist,andaLogicalPositivist,
amongotherthings,intheinterim.

FillingapipewithAlamoutBlack,thehashishoftheAssassins,Clemlitup,toked
deeply,andbeganplayingthetapeof"TheOccultTechnologyofMoneyandthe
Moneylords."

"TheFederalReserveSystemaprivatebankresponsibletonobody,despiteitsname
createsmoneyoutofnothing,"NaismithbeganinapleasantTexastwang.Clemtoked
againandbegantogrokNaismithinhisfullness.

ThetapeplayedonandClemtokedagaineachtimehefelttheneedtogrokmore
deeply.

NaismithquotedBuckminsterFuller(theonlyUnistatPresidentevertoresignfrom
office)andEzraPound,thefolksinger,andJohnAdamsandTomEdisonandalotof
otherpeoplewhohadlongagobeenonClem'slistoffolkswhohadprobablybeen
givensomeofthe"stuff"inthetomatojuice.Allofthesemen,Naismithpointedout,had
proposedmoneysystemsmoreefficientandmorejustthanthepresentFederal
ReserveSystem.

"ThereisnoonemoneysystemthatwasordainedbyGod,"Naismithsaid."Theywere
allinventedbyhumanbeingsandcanbeimprovedbyhumanbeings.

"Now,whatismoney?"Naismithasked."Moneyisinformation.Askanycomputer
programmeraboutthat,ifyoudon'tbelieveit.Moneyisasignal,aunitofpure
information.Itisasabstractasmathematics.Cattleservedasmoneyonce.Sodid
leather.Sodidthepreciousmetals.Theywerecommoditymonies,becausetheywere
worthsomethinginthemselves.Modernpapermoneyispureinformation,worth
absolutelyzilch,exceptforthesignalsprintedonit."ClemreallybegantogetNaismith's
perspective.Hetokedagain,feelingtheBigIdeabehindtheFirstBankofReligiosophy.

"Moneyinthemodernworld,"Naismithwenton,"isnomorethanapromisetopay.If
youlookatthebillsinyourwalletrightnow,you'llseewhatthey'repromisingtopay.
They'repromisingtopayyoumorepaper.Theydon'thavetogiveyouagramofgoldor
silveroranyrealcommodity.They'llgiveyoumorepaperifyouwanttotradeinthe
paperyoualreadyhave.Didn'tthateverstrikeyouasalittlebitfunny?

"Thinkofitthisway,"Naismithsaid,warmingtohissubject."ThisisacornyoldSufi
parable,butitmighthelpyoutogetthepicture."

ThegreatSufisageNasrudin,Naismithsaid,onceinventedamagicwand.Wishingto
patentsuchavaluabledevice,Nasrudinwavedthewandandcreatedapatentoffice,
whichimmediatelyappearedin3DTechnicolor.

Nasrudinthenwalkedinandtoldtheclerk,"Iwanttopatentamagicwand."

"Youcan'tdothat,"saidtheclerk."Thereisnosuchthingasamagicwand."

Nasrudinimmediatelywavedhiswandagain,andthepatentofficeandtheclerkboth
disappeared.

"JesusandLudwigChrist!"ClemCotexcried.Hejumpedupandturnedoffthetapes,
totallyAtOnewiththedoctrineofReligiosophy."Moneyisinformation,"hemuttered,
beginningtopacetheroom,stonedoutofhisgourd."Holysnakesandladders.
'Humanityisthesymbolusingclassoflife,andthosewhocontrolsymbolscontrolus.'I
readthatinKorzybskiaeonsago.Information!"

Clemsatdownathisdeskandspreadoutalargepieceofpaper.Hedrewanelaborate
scrollarounditandprintedatthetop,"COTEXRESERVESYSTEM."Hemadeita
cashier'schecktotheTreasuryofUnistatfortenmilliondollars,toberepaidatthe
primeinterestrateof15percent.Hethendecoratedanotherpieceofpaper,makingita
UnistatNationalBond,payabletotheCotexReserveSystemfortenmilliondollars,
therebygivingCRSthecredittoloantenmilliontoUnistat.

Hethenswitchedthepiecesofpaperaroundonthedesk.CotexReserveseemedtobe
tenmilliondollarsahead,andyetUnistatowedthemtenmillionplus15percentinterest
peryear.

("Youcan'tdothat.Thereisnosuchthingasamagicwand.")

Clemlaughedhysterically.HerememberedSimonMoontryingtoexplainSpencer
Brown'sLawsofFormtohim:"Tocrossagainisnottocross."Inflation,deflation,
recession,depression:theywerealllikeNasrudin'spatentoffice.

Clemknewhewasinthestatewheresynchronicitiesoccur,sohewenttohisbookcase,
pickedavolumeatrandom,andstuckhisfingerin,lookingfortheMessagethatwould
turnthewholeexperienceintoafullscaleSatori.

HewasinTheNatureofthePhysicalWorldbySirArthurEddington,andthesentence
hehadfoundwas:

Wehavecertainpreconceivedideasaboutlocationinspacewhichhavecomedownto
usfromapelikeancestors.

ClemCotexlaughedfornearlyfifteenminutes.ThenexttimehemetBlakeWilliams,he
unleashedhisIlluminationinanaphorismthathewasconvincedwould,foronce,startle
theseeminglyunflappableanthropologist.
"MoneyistheSchrdinger'sCatofeconomics,"Clemsaid,waitingforsomesensational
reaction.

"Oh,"Williamssaidquietly,"you'venoticedthattoo?"

Dr.HoraceNaismithhadfoundedtheFirstBankofReligiosophyinBadAss,Texas,
becausehewantedtobesurenobodyintheEstablishmentwouldtakeitseriously.

ItwashisplantounderminetheFederalReserveSystemwithouttheirnoticingwhat
washappening.

EverythinginBadAsswasconsideredtooabsurdandrepugnantforserious
consideration.BadAssTownshipandthewholeofBadAssCountywereasourceof
nationalembarrassment.

BadAsshadbeenfoundedbydescendantsofthefamousJukesandKallikakfamilies,
carriersofvirulentidiocygenes,togetherwithafewSnopeseswhohadbeendrivenout
ofMississippiforunnaturalacts.

TheBadAssSchoolBoardbannednotonlyEvolutionandSexEducation,butnon
Euclideangeometry,themetricsystem,culturalanthropology,andallhistorytexts
writtenoutsideTexas.

DespitethePresident,theSupremeCourt,Congress,theTVnetworksandJack
Anderson,theBadAssCountyLinestillborethetraditionalsign:DON'TLETTHESUN
SETONYOUINBADASS,NIGGER.AllroadsleadingtoBadAssTownshipwere
litteredwiththedecomposingbodiesofmurderedcivilrightsworkers.

EverybodyinUnistatwasprofoundlyashamedofBadAssandwisheditwerepartof
someothercountry.Theyneverrealizedthat,totherestoftheworld,Unistatlookedlike
BadAssCounty.

PresidentFuller,themanwhosemoneyideashadinspiredDr.Naismith,wastheonly
PresidentinthehistoryofUnistattoresignfromoffice.

Hehadresignedonlythreemonthsaftertakingoffice,andhediditontheradio."I
simplycan'tfindanywaytodoanythingsociallyusefulhere,"hesaidwiththatinnocent
sinceritythathadcharmedthevotersintoelectinghim."Ilistenedtosomewellmeaning
friendsandranforthisoffice,"Fullerwenton,"andInowrealizeIwasaperfectdamned
fool.ThesynergeticinterlockorrealtimevectorsinUniversecannotbeaugmentedfrom
here."

Thepeopleand,evenmore,theotherpoliticianswereoutraged.TheycalledFullera
mugwumpandwantedtopunishhim.Unfortunately,theonlywaytopunishapolitician
istorefusetovoteforhim,andFullerwasnolongerapoliticianandrefusedtorunfor
anyoffice,sotheyhadtobesatisfiedwithjustcallinghimanut.

Thatwasinthe1930s,andeverybodyforgotaboutFulleruntilthe1960s,whenitturned
outthathishobbyoddgeometrieshadalotofpracticalapplications.

ButstillnobodytookFuller'smoneytheoriesseriously,exceptDr.Naismith,andEve
Hubbard,whohadrunforPresidentin1980ontheLibertarianImmortalistticket("An
EndtoDeathandTaxes!").

TherewasanotherPresidentofUnistatwhoresigned,actually,buthe"only"(asthey
say)existedinanovel.Thiswasasciencefictionthrillersetinaparalleluniverseand
wascalledWigner'sFriend.ItwasabouttheworstpossiblePresidenttheauthor,a
HarvardprofessornamedLeary,couldimagine.

ThePresidentinLeary'sbook,calledNoxin,wasamonster.Hegotthecountryinto
totallyunnecessarywarswithouttheconsent,andsometimesevenwithoutthe
knowledge,ofCongress.Heliedallthetime,compulsively,evenwhenitwasn't
necessary.Heputwiretapsoneverybodyevenonhimself.(Leary,apsychologist,
claimedthisbizarrefantasy,whichsmackedofsatire,waspossible,foracertaintypeof
paranoidmind.)HeusedtheFBIandtheIRStoharasseverycitizenwhoresistedthis
tyranny.Henotonlytookbribes,butevenhadateamofenforcerswhoextorted
"campaign"moneyfromcorporationsunderthreatofturningtheIRSonthem.His
politicalenemiesalldiedinaseriesofstrangeassassinationsthatcouldn'tbe
explained.WhenCongressstartedinvestigatinghiscrimes,hebetrayedhisownco
conspiratorsonebyone.

Noxinevenmisappropriatedgovernmentmoneytofixuphishouse,andcheatedonhis
incometax.

Thebookwasarunawaybestseller,becauseithadataut,suspensefulplotand
becauseUnistaterscouldcongratulatethemselvesonnotbeingdumbenoughtoever
electsuchaPresident.

Naismith,despitehisTexasaccent,wasnoimbecile;hehadhisfingeronpartofwhat
wasreallygoingon.

TheFederalReservedidcreatemoneyoutofnothing.Sodidalltheotherbanks.

ThelawsofUnistatallowedthis,bypermittingbankstoissueloansuptoasmuchas
eighttimestheamounttheyhadindeposits.Everytimeabankmadealoanonmoney
theydidn'tactuallyhave,theywerecreatingmoney.

Mostofthepeoplewhoknewaboutthis(asidefromthebankers)wentparanoid
worryingaboutit.ThiswasbecausetheydidnotrealizehowmuchoftheirRealitywas
createdinsimilarlyoccultways.

TheFederalReservemadeitpossibleforotherbankstoloanwhattheydidn'thave.The
Fed"guaranteed"thecreditofthebanks.

TheFedwasabletomakethisguaranteebecauseithadlotsofcredititself,intheform
ofgovernmentbonds.

Thegovernmentbondsweregoodbecausetheywereguaranteedbyloansfromthe
Fed.

TheloansfromtheFedwereguaranteedbecausethegovernmentgavethembonds.

Andthiswassafe,becausethebonds(remember)wereguaranteedbytheFed.

That'swhyClemCotexlaughedforhalfanhourwhenhefinallyfiguredouttheUnistat
economy.

TheCommunistshadinstitutedthismonetarypolicybecauseitmadevirtuallyall
commercedependentonmoneythatdidn'texist.

TheCommunistshadabandonedpureMarxismin1904andwerenowfollowinga
systembasedpartlyonMarxandpartlyontraditionalshamanism.

ThewholeCommunistmovementhadsecretlybeentakenover,in1904,byGeneralE.
A.Crowley,thefamousexplorer.Crowleyhadlearnedalotfromthetribalshamansin
the"backward"partsoftheworldhefrequented.Chiefly,hehadlearnedthatthe
universeiscreatedbytheparticipationofitsparticipants.

FranklinDelanoRooseveltwashandpickedbyGeneralCrowleytomanagethe
CommunisttakeoverofUnistat.CrowleypickedRooseveltchieflybecauseofhisradio
voice.Theagreementwassimple:CrowleywouldkeepRooseveltsuppliedwith
women"ThatcripCasanovanevergetsenough,"hewassooncomplainingand
Roosevelt,inturn,introducedNasrudin'smagicwandtopoliticaleconomy.

Eventhoughmanyclearsighted,patrioticcitizenssawthroughRooseveltandwarned,
repeatedly,thathewasleadingthecountrytocommunism,themajoritypaidnoheedto
thesevoicesofreason.TheywerecharmedbyRoosevelt'sradiovoice,asCrowleyhad
predicted.

Actually,Rooseveltkeptbeforehim,everytimehespokeonradio,alargesignwitha
wisesayingattributedtothemanwhowontheBadAssHogCallingContestin1923.
Thesignsaid:

YOU'VEGOTTOHAVEAPPEALASWELLASPOWERINYOURVOICE.YOUMUST
CONVINCETHESWINETHATYOUHAVESOMETHINGFORTHEM.

Unfortunately,Rooseveltwasassassinatedbyadisgruntledofficeseekerin1937.

TheCommunistsfoundanequallyloyalservantin1948,however,inthefamous
GeneralDouglasMacArthur,whowasamilitarygeniuswithonefatalflaw:hehadan
egosolargethatonlybycontemplatingthemathematicaldefinitionofinfinitycould
anythingsolimitlessbeimagined.

MacArthurcompletedtheCommunizationofUnistatinreturnforhavinghispictureput
onpennies,nickels,dimes,dollars,postagestamps,paintingsineverypublicplace,
G.I.issuecondoms,theceilingsofbarbershops,MountRushmore,theSistineChapel
frescoes(advisingGodduringtheCreation),allgovernmentdocuments,thechief
ballooninallMacy'sparades,inplaceofthetestpatternonTVscreens,marriage
licenses,doglicenses,andinvariousotherplacesthathethoughtoffrorntimetotime.

Abraveandpatrioticsenator,JosephR.McCarthy,attemptedtoexposeMacArthur's
government,whichwasstaffedentirelybycardcarryingCommunists.(TheCommunists
carriedcardsbecause,withsomanyconspiraciesgoingonatthetime,itwastheonly
waytheycouldidentifythemselvestooneanother.)Thesenatorwassmearedbythe
press,censuredbyhiscolleagues,andhoundedtoanearlygrave.

"Ike"Eisenhower,apopularWesternfilmstaroftheperiod,contributedtoMcCarthy's
demisebymakinganationaltoursupportingthePresident.

"Idon'tknowanythingaboutpoliticsormilitarystrategy,"old"Ike"wouldtellaudiences,
hisfacefullofstupidsincerity."ButIknowGeneralMacArthurisasmartmananda
toughmanandcanoutfoxtheCommieseverytime."

Likealmosteverybodyelse,"Ike"thoughttheCommunistshadtakenoverRussia,not
Unistat.

OneofthemostinsidiousthingstheCIACommunistsdidwhentheytookoverUnistat
wastochangetheConstitution.

TheoriginalConstitution,havingbeenwrittenbyagroupofintellectuallibertinesand
Freemasonsintheeighteenthcentury,includedanamendmentwhichdeclared:

Aselfregulatedsexlifebeingnecessarytothehappinessofacitizen,therightofthe
peopletokeepandenjoypornographyshallnotbeabridged.

ThisamendmenthadbeensuggestedbyThomasJefferson,whohadovernine
hundredBlackconcubines,andBenjaminFranklin,amemberoftheHellFireClub,
whichhadthelargestcollectionoferoticbooksandartintheWesternworldatthattime.

TheCommunistschangedtheamendmenttoread:
Awellregulatedmilitiabeingnecessarytothesecurityofafreestate,therightofthe
citizenstokeepandbeararmsshallnotbeabridged.

Alldocumentsandtextbookswerechanged,sothatnobodywouldbeabletofindout
whattheamendmenthadoriginallysaid.ThentheCommunistssetupafront
organization,theNationalRifleAssociation,toencouragethewideusageofgunsofall
sorts,andtobattleanyattempttocontrolgunsas"unconstitutional."

Thus,theyguaranteedthatthemurderrateinUnistatwouldalwaysbethehighestinthe
world.Thiskeptthecitizensinperpetualanxietyabouttheirsafetybothonthestreets
andintheirhomes.ThecitizensthentoleratedtherapidgrowthofthePoliceState,
whichcontrolledalmosteverything,exceptthesaleofguns,thechiefcauseofcrime.

THEBACHS'BOX

TheWilhelmFriedemannBachSocietywasinthesamedowntownWashingtonbuilding
astheWarrenBelchSocietyandtheInvisibleHandSociety,butClemCotexnever
thoughtmuchaboutthem.Heassumed,asdideverybodyelsewhonoticedthename
onthebuildingdirectory,thattheW.F.BachSocietywasjustagroupofmusicologists.

Nothingcouldhavebeenfurtherfromthetruth.

Theywerealsotryingtofindout"whatthehellisreallygoingon."

ThisoddfraternityhadnamedthemselvesafterW.F.Bachnotjustforhismusic,which
wassuperb,butforhiseffrontery,whichwasevenmoresuperb.WilhelmFriedemann
Bach,oneofthetwentychildrenofJohannSebastianBach,didnothavetheeasyand
immediatesuccessofhisbrothers,JohannChristianBachandCarlPhilippEmanuel
Bach.Infact,becausehewasoriginalandbecausehehadtocompetewiththeother
threeBachs(alreadywellestablishedintheesteemofmusiclovers),Wilhelm
Friedemannwasneglectedforalongtimeandmighthaveendedhisdaysinpoverty
andobscurity.ButW.F.Bachwasnotthesortofmantotakedefeateasily.Hehitona
planwhichcausedhismusictobeplayedeverywhere,andmadehimquiteabundleof
Deutschmarks,eventhoughpeoplewerestillsayinghewastheleastimportantofthe
Bachs.

WilhelmFriedemannhadsimplysoldhiscompositions,onebyone,asnewlydiscovered
workbyhisfather,J.S.Bach.

Ofcoursetherehadbeenartforgersandmusicforgersandevennovelforgersboth
beforeandafterW.F.Bach,buthehadraisedthephilosophicalanteonthebothersome
question"Ifaworkofartcannotbedistinguishedfromamasterpiece,isitnota
masterpiece?"or,inthevernacular,"HowimportantisaPotterStewartingsignature,
anyway?"

TheoriginalmembersoftheW.F.BachSocietywerepeoplewhohadownedsome
magnificentVanGoghsbackinthe1960s.Thenonetraumaticday,theydidnotown
anyVanGoghsatall.TheyownedElMirs.

ElMirwasthemosttalentedpaintingforgerofthattime.HisVanGoghs,Cezannes,and
Modiglianisweretotallyindistinguishablefrom"therealthing,"whateverthatis.Itwas
widelybelieved,afterElMirwasexposedbyanotherforgernamedIrving,thatmany
masterpiecesstillhanginginmuseumswereElMir'swork.Indeed,ElMirinsistedon
that,regardingitasthecreamofthejest.

SomesaidthattheseElMirsstillhunginmuseumsbecausetheexpertshadnotyet
foundanywaytodistinguishthemfrom"real"art.Otherssaidthattheexperts,once
awareofElMir'swork,coulddistinguishitfromVanGogh'sorCezanne'sor
Modigliani's,butwouldnotdoso,becausetheyhadauthenticatedthefakesoriginally
anddidnotwantanybodytoknowthattheyhadbeenfooled.

BlakeWilliams,Ph.D.,hadpurchasedaveryfineElMir,undertheimpressionitwasa
VanGogh,afterthegreatsuccessofhispopularizedbookonprimatepsychology,How
toTellYourFriendsfromtheApes.Williamswastheninthemidstofhisfirstphase
synthesizingGeneralSemanticsandZenBuddhism,andheimmediatelyrecognized
whatwasreallygoingonwhenidentifiableElMirswereeverywherefallinginvalueafter
thegreatExpose.
Itwasaglitch,hedecided.

HecalledtogetherasmallgroupofpeoplewhoalsoownedidentifiedElMirsand
beggedthemnottobelievethattheyhadbeendeceived.

"Asignature,"hetoldthemearnestly,"isnotaneconomicGoodinitself,likegoldorland
orfactories.Itisonlyasquigglegivencontextualmeaningbysocialconvention."

Hewentonlikethatfornearlyanhour.Hespokeofthedifferencesbetweenthemap
andtheterritory;betweenthespokenword("asonicwaveintheatmosphere")andthe
nonverbalthingoreventwhichthewordmerelydesignates;betweenthemenuandthe
meal.HequotedHume,Einstein,Korzybski,andPopeStephen.Hedraggedinthe
latesttheoriesinperceptionpsychology,Ethnomethodology,andMcLuhan'sversionof
mediamessageanalysis.

HeremindedthemthatCarlosCastanedahadstudiedEthnomethodologywithGarfinkle
beforestudyingshamanismwithDonJuanMatus,andheassuredthem,asa
professionalanthropologist,thatanyonewhohasthepowertodefinerealityforyouhas
becomeasorcerer,ifyoudon'tcatchthebastardrealquick.

Bythistimealotofhisaudiencewasirritatedandalittlefrightenedmuttersof"He'sjust
adamnedcrank"wereheardfromsomecornersoftheroombutotherswerelistening,
enthralled.

WilliamsresortedtopsychodramaandRolePlayingtogethispointacross.Hesaid
thathewouldpretendtobeanextraterrestrial"Iwonderifit'sjustpretending,"saidan
awedvoicefromthegroupwhohadfollowedthislecturewithasenseofIllumination.
Playactingtheextraterrestrial,Williamsdefiedthemtoexplainseveralthingstohim,
rationallyandlogically,withoutassuminghehad"intuitive"oraprioriknowledgeabout
whattheytookforgranted.

Hewantedtoknow,first,thedifferencebetweenadollarbillprintedbytheUnistat
Treasuryandadollarbillprintedbyagangofcounterfeiters.

Everybodygotexcited,andmostofthemgotangry,inthecourseoftryingtomakethis
distinctioncleartotheextraterrestrial,whowasveryliteralandlogical,anddidnot
understandanythingtheytookforgranteduntilitwasexplainedliterallyandlogically.

Bythetimetheextraterrestrialwaswillingtograntthattherewasanagreedupon
differencebetweenthetwobillscreatedbysocialconsensus,afewpeoplehadleft,
saying,"It'sjustanelaborateputon."

Buttheothers,whostuckitout,werenextconfrontedwithadollarbillhungina
museumas"found"art.Williams,theextraterrestrial,wantedtoknowwhetheritsvalue
wasthesameas,greaterthan,orlessthanithadbeenbeforebeinghunginthe
museum.

Morepeoplelosttheirtempersinthecourseofhisdiscussion.

ButWilliamspersisted.Stillplayingextraterrestrial,hewantedtoknowifitmadeany
differenceifthedollarhunginthemuseumas"found"arthadbeenprintedbythe
Treasuryorbythecriminalgang.

Afterafewminutesofthistopicmostofthepeopleintheroomwerejumpingupand
downliketheAmbassadorwhofoundtheRehnquistonthestairs.

Williamshadnomercy.Henextwantedthemtoexplainthedifferencebetweenanyor
alloftheaboveandanexactduplicateofanyorallofthempaintedbyRoyLichtenstein
andexhibitedasPopArt.

Afterahalfhourmorehepointedoutthattheywerearguingamongthemselveseven
morethantheywereattemptingtoexplainthesemysteriestohim.Healsomentioned,
nottoocruelly,thatmanyofthemhadarrivedatthestatewheretheyseemedtobelieve
theirdefinitionswouldbecomemoreconvincingiftheyjustrepeatedthematalouder
decibellevel.

Williamsthengaveuptheextraterrestrialgameandtriedtorestoreorder.Hebecame
drollandtoldthemtheoldstoryofhowPicasso,askedtoidentifytherealPicassosina
groupofpossiblefakes,hadputoneofhisowncanvasesamongthefraudulentgroup.
"But,"anartdealeramongthosepresentprotested,"Isawyoupaintthatonemyself,
Pablo."
"Nomatter,"saidtheGreatManimperturbably,"IcanfakeaPicassoaswellas
anybody."

HeremindedthemthatAndyWarholkeptaclosetfullofCampbell'ssoupcans,and
gaveautographedcanstopeoplehelikedsotheycouldown"agenuineWarhol."He
pointedout,afterthelaughsubsided,thatneitherextraterrestrialsnorterrestrialscould
agreeonthedifferenceinvaluebetweenaTreasurydollarsignedbyWarholand
therebybecoming"agenuineWarhol,"acounterfeitdollarsignedbyWarholforthe
purposegiving"agenuineWarhol"toafriend,aTreasurydollarwithWarhol'ssignature
forgedbyElMir,aTreasurydollarwithWarhol'ssignatureforgedbyanunknown
criminal,andacounterfeitdollarwithWarhol'ssignatureforgedbyWilliamS.
Burroughs,thefounderofNeoCubistpainting.

HesaidthatEthnomethodologistsknewthattheborderbetweentheRealandthe
Unrealwasnotfixed,butjustmarkedthelastplacewhererivalgangsofshamanshad
foughteachothertoastalemate.Hesaidtheborderhadshiftedaftereachmajor
conceptualstruggle,asnationalbordersshiftaftermilitarystruggles.Hedefined
everybodywhoattemptedtodefineReality,includinghimself,asaconsciousor
unconsciouscoconspiratorwithsomegangofshamanswhoaretryingtoimposetheir
gameontherestofus.

Hesaidthatboththeeconomicsofartandtheartofeconomicsweredeterminedby
shamans,whethertheyknewthemselvesasshamansornot.

"Crazyasabedbug,"saidthelastmantoquittheroom.

TheremainderwerestaringatWilliamswithdevoutawe.Theyfeltthathehadremoved
greatmurkyshadowsfromtheirmindsandbroughtthemforwardintothelight.

WilliamshadmadesomeConverts.

HesettledbackinaneasychairhehadbeenstandinginhisFullProfessorlectureroom
stylethroughmostofthisandgotchattyandinformal.Hetoldthemthelittleknown
storyofPopeStephen'sparabletotheSpanishCardinalwhohadtoldhimthat"seeking
fortheReal"waspointlesssincetheRealispalpablyrightinfrontofournoses.
"Everybodyknows,"PopeStephenhadsaid,"thatIstudiedsingingandmedicinebefore
Idecidedtomakethepriesthoodmylife'swork.WhatfewknowisthatIalsoconsidered
becominganovelist.Ioftenwonder,myself,ifIeverabandonedthatlastambition.
SometimesIfeellikeanovelistpretendingtobeaPope,toseewhatit'slike.And
sometimesIeventhinkthewholeChurchisaveryoldnovelwhichI'verevisedand
modernized.And,myreverendbrotherinChrist,sometimesIeventhinkthatI'mnot
aloneinthisnovelwritingbusiness;Ithinkthateveryman,woman,andchildonthis
planetiswritinganovelinsidetheirheads,alldaylong,everydayediting,rewriting,
touchingthingsup,improvingapagehereandthrowingapageoutsomewhereelse.
TheonlydifferenceisthatwhenIwriteanovel,itbecomesanEncyclical,andis
thereforeRealityformillionsofbelievers."

WilliamsnowhadfiveTrueBelieversoutofthethirtypersonshehadcalledtogether.
Thefive,togetherwithWilliams,foundedtheW.F.BachSocietythatnight,andsetout
toimposetheirdefinitionofArtontherestoftheworld.

TheybeganbyfindingandfinancingOrsonWelles,anobesegeniuswhomighthave
beentheworld'sgreatestfilmdirectorifhehadonlybeenallowedtodirectfilms.

Welleswasnotallowedtodirectfilmsbecausehehadmadethemistake,hisfirsttime
out,ofmakingamovieaboutCharlesFosterHearst,therichestandmostpowerfulof
theCommunistcliquewhoruledUnistat.Welleschangedthename,ofcourse,and
calledhismoviecharacterWilliamRandolphKane,butfewweredeceivedbythis,and
Hearstcertainlywasn't.

Themoviehadascene,atthebeginning,inwhichaconservativebankersaidbluntly
that"Kane"(Hearst)wasaCommunist.Itwentontomakeabigmysteryabouttheword
"Rosebud,"whichreferredtoGeneralCrowley'ssystemof"RosyCross"Cabalistic
magickwhichtheCommunistswereusingtomakemoneyoutofnothing.Itexposed,
almostblatantly,howUnistatwasactuallygoverned.

Welleswasblacklisted,andspenttherestofhislifewanderingaroundtheworldplaying
bitpartsinfilmsbyotherdirectors.

TheW.F.BachSocietyfinancedWellesinthemakingofhissecondfilm,ArtIsWhat
YouCanGetAwayWith,whichwasaboldglorificationofElMir.

Next,theW.F.Bachcabalfinancedanewliteraryjournal,PassaicReview,whichthey
advertisedsowidelythateverybodywithanypretensetobeinganintellectualhadto
readit.

ThePassaicReviewheapedscornandinvectiveontheestablishedliteraryidolsofthe
timeSimonMoon,theneosurrealistnovelist;GeraldFord,the"countryandwestern"
poet;NormanMailer;RobertHeinlein;TimHildebrand;andsoon.Theyalsodenounced
allthealleged"greats"ofthefirstpartofthecentury,likeH.P.Lovecraft,HenryJames,
T.S.Eliot,andRobertPutneyDrake.

Theyestablishedtheirownpantheonof"great"writers,whichincludedWilliamButler
Yeats(anobscureIrishschoolteachernobodyhadeverheardof),OlafStapledon,
ArthurFlegenheimer,andJonathanLatimer.

Afteronlytwoyearsofbombardmentbytheeruditeandauthoritativesoundingarticles
inPassaicReview,mostselfdeclaredintellectualswereseriouslycomparingYeatswith
EliotandgrantingthatsomeofStapledon'snovelswereasgoodasanythingbyJames
orDrake.

Allofthiswasanexperiment,actually.BlakeWilliamshadnotbelievedeverythinghe
toldthefoundersoftheW.F.BachSociety.Hewasconvincedthatagreatdealofwhat
passesforValuewascreated,notbylaborastheMarxiststhought,norbysupplyand
demandastheFreeMarketeconomistsclaimed,butbywhatheasananthropologist
recognizedasshamanism.

HewastryingtofindouthowmuchValue,andhencehowmuchReality,wasso
created.

Hebelievedthatlargehunksofexperiencecouldbealteredbypeoplewhoregarded
themselvesasshamansandconsideredanyonewhoopposedthemtoberivalshamans
tryingtosellanalternativeReality.

ItwashisplantomovetheBachgroup,slowly,fromexperimentingupontheeconomics
ofarttoexperimentingupontheartofeconomics.
HeknewthatValuewastheSchrdinger'sCatineveryequation.

THEMADFISHMONGERAGAIN

"Gentlemen,"ClemCotexsaidsmugly,"IbelieveIhaveidentifiedtheMadFishmonger."

TheentiremembershipoftheWarrenBelchSocietyalleightofthemwereassembled
inthetinyofficeandagaspofastonishmentwentup.

"Yes,"Clemsaidemphatically,standingattheheadofthetable,undertheportraitof
Wigner'sFriend,"IbelieveIhaveapositive'make'onthe'suspect,'asJackWebbwould
say."

AnthropologistBlakeWilliams,heofthemonumentalobsessionuponSchrdinger's
occasionallydeadcat,spokefirst."Who?"hecried,almostinthetoneofonewhohears
thatthecirclehas,atlast,beensquared.

"Letmepresenttheevidence,"Cotexsaidwithasolemnitythatfittheoccasion.He
dousedthelightsandsteppedtohisslideprojectormachine.

Onthescreenattheotherendoftheofficeappearedawellknownface.

"That'sGeneralCrowley,thediscovereroftheNorthPole!"exclaimedProfessorPercy
"Prime"Time.

"Yes,"saidClemCotexwithdeliberation."GeneralEdwardA.Crowley,thebestknown
explorerandadventureroftheearlydecadesofourcentury.ThemodeloftheEnglish
nobleman.Theidolofyoungboyseverywhere.GeneralCrowley,indeed."Hepaused
dramatically.

"Lookatthoseeyes."Clem'svoicesuddenlyhadthetoneofPerryMasonaddressing
thecourt."Howwouldyoudescribethosedarkandbroodingorbs,myfriends?"

"Well,"Dr.Williamssaid,"hehaswhatIbelieveiscalledurnapiercinggaze."

"Exactly,"Cotexsaid."Apiercinggaze."

AnotherpictureofGeneralCrowleycameonthescreen.Andanother.Andanother.

"Thesamepiercinggaze,"Clemsaidpointedly,"yearafteryear.Nomatterwhereheis
whenaphotographerpopsupAfrica,Mexico,theNorthPole;itdoesn'tmatteralways
thesamepiercinggaze."

"Wellaharen'theroessupposedtohaveapiercinggaze?"OldPrimeTimeprotested,
wonderingifthiswasjustanotherofClem'swildgoosechases.

"Inacertainclassofsensationalfiction,"Clemsaidtightly,"heroeshaveapiercing
gaze.SometimesthevillainsdotooFuManchuforinstance.Butwearenotlivinginthat
kindofnovel,"hewenton,notbotheringtotellthemhisopinionofwhatkindofnovel
theywerelivingin."Inourreality,apiercinggazemeansonlyonething,andyouall
knowwhatitis,gentlemen."

AnotherpictureofGeneralCrowleycameonthescreen,oneinwhichhewasmuch
olderthaninthepreviousfourphotos;buthestillhadthesamedarkanddeepyes,
piercinggaze.

"Thesearetheeyes,"Clemsaid,"ofahopelessslaveofthehashishhabit.Now,asyou
allknow,manyEnglishmilitarymenacquiredatastefortheresinoftheCannabisIndica
plantwhileinIndia,andwerenonetheworseforit.Certainly,anoccasionalsmokeof
thehashisanenjoyable,evenamindexpanding,experience.Idaresaymostofyou
herehavetriedit,andIgladlyadmitthatIhave.Butasensiblemankeepssuch
diversionswithincertainbounds.Suchasane,soundmandoesnot'doanumber'(as
ouryoungerpeoplecallit)untilevening,oratleastuntiltwilight.Well,maybelate
afternoon,occasionally.Perhapsinthemorningonceinawhile.Butnotonestickof
hashafteranother,dayafterday,yearafteryear,fortwenty,thirty,fortyyears!No:one
whofitsthatdescriptionisaslaveofthehabit,ahashishrobot,amanwhosemindhas
lostcontactwithReality(whateverthatis)andwandersamidthephantasmsofhisown
poisonedbrain.Aman,astheIrishsay,whosemindhadbeentakenawaybytheWee
People."

AllgazedupatthephotoofGeneralCrowley,"thelastoftheKiplingheroes,"asa
journalisthadcalledhim,andCrowleygazedbackatthem,stonyeyed,impassive,
enigmatic.

"Now,IhavebeenstudyingallofGeneralCrowley'swanderings,"Clemwenton."He
was,infact,backinEnglandduringNovemberof1881.Thecrabandperiwinkleprank
wouldhavebeeneasyforamanofhiswealth,ifhismindhadalreadyacquiredthat
strangequirk,thattwistinthesensibility,whichcannabisabusersrefertointheirown
argotas'aspacedoutsenseofhumor.'

"In1893,whatdowefind?"Clemcontinued."GeneralCrowleywasvisitingtheJersey
shore,righthereinUnistat,'fishingandrelaxing,'hesaysinhisautobiography.Andthat
verysummerweseethefirstrecordof'theJerseyDevil,'thatfabulousmonsterthat
lookedlikeagorilla,jumpedlikeakangaroo,andglowedinthedark.

"IthinkwecandiscountlaterappearancesoftheJerseyDevil,"Clemsaid
argumentatively,"astheworkoflesserpranksters,inspiredbyGeneralCrowley'sinitial
success."In1904,"Clemwenton,"therewasthefamouswerewolfscarein
Northumberland.GeneralCrowleywasbackinEnglandthatyear.In1905wehavethe
firstmajorUFOflapinSpain.GeneralCrowleywasvacationingthere.In1908gnomes
andotherLittleGreenMenwerereportedinSwitzerland.GeneralCrowleywasthere,
allegedlyonlytoclimbmountains.

"Andsoitgoes,"Clemsaidbluntly,flickingthelightsbackon."Overfiftysixpercentof
alltheweirddatacollectedbytheconservativeForteans,byourownmoreimaginative
group,andbyalltheUFObuffs,fortheyearsof1860to1930theyearsofGeneral
Crowley'slifecorrelatewiththeGeneral'sownmovements.EventheLochNess
MonsterfirstbegantoappearafterheboughtBoleskineHouse,ontheshoreonLoch
Ness.

"Ithink,gentlemen,thattheconclusionisinescapable.GeneralEdwardA.Crowley,the
mountaineer,theadventurer,theexplorer,wasamanunhingedbyhashishabuse.He
hadbecomeacompulsive,obsessive,sometimessadisticpracticaljoker.Afterall,I
thinkthepsychologyofitiseasytounderstand,especiallytothoseofuswho,whilenot
enslavedbythehabitashewas,havehadourownlittleadventureswiththecannabis
molecule.Theworldwasbecomingincreasinglymaterialistic,bureaucratic,andtoa
manlikeCrowleydull.HesetouttorestoretheMysterious,theMagical,eventhe
Frightening,tous.HewasthelastRomantic.

"Ihavenodoubtofit,"Clemconcluded."GeneralCrowleywastheMadFishmongerof
Worcester."

"ByGeorge,"BlakeWilliamssaid,"Ithinkyou'vereallygotit."

Thereweremurmursofagreement.ButthenProfessorFred"Fidgets"Digitsspokeup
suddenly:"Thisopensawholenewcanofworms,"hesaid."IfGeneralCrowleywas
well,whathenowappearstobe,acommonhoaxterwell,gentlemen,canwetrusthis
reportsontheNorthPoleexpedition?"

"Ifearnot,"ClemCotexsaid."ThatquestioncametomeassoonasIbegantorealize
Crowley'struecharacter.Wecan'tbelievetheNorthPolestoryatall.Itmayjustbe
anotherofhisjokes.Wemayhavebeenwrongforyears,gentlemen.

"Theearthmaynotbehollow,afterall."

DownthehalltheInvisibleHandSocietywashavingproblemsofitsown.

Agroupofthemoreavantgardemembershadbecomeconvincedoftheexistenceof
theToothFairyandweretryingtoconverteverybodyelse.

Naturally,Dr.RaussElysiumdidnotlikethis.Hefeltitreducedtheprinciplesofthe
InvisibleHandSocietytoabsurdity.

Dr.RaussElysiumhadsummeduptheentirescienceofeconomicsinfourpropositions,
towit:

1.Findoutwhoprofitsfromit.

ThiswasmerelyarestatementoftheoldLatinproverbafavoriteofLenin'scuibono?
2.Groupsnevermeettogetherexcepttoconspireagainstothergroups.

ThiswasageneralizationofAdamSmith'smorelimitedproposition"Menofthesame
professionnevermeettogetherexcepttodefraudthegeneralpublic."Dr.RaussElysium
hadrealizedthatitappliesnotjusttomerchants,buttogroupsofallsorts,includingthe
governmentalsector.

4.Everysystemevolvesandexpandsuntilitencroachesuponothersystems.

ThiswasjustasimplificationofmostofthediscoveriesofecologyandGeneralSystems
Theory.

4.Itallreturnstoequilibrium,eventually.

ThiswasbasedonabroadEvolutionaryPerspectiveandwasthebasicfaithofthe
InvisibleHandmystique.Dr.RaussElysiumhadmerelyrecognizedthattheInvisible
Hand,firstnotedbyAdamSmith,operateseverywhere.TheInvisibleHand,Dr.Rauss
Elysiumclaimed,doesnotmerelyfunctioninafreemarket,asSmithhadthought,but
continuestocontroleverythingnomatterhowmanyconspiracies,inoroutof
government,attempttofrustrateit.Indeed,byincludingPropositions2and3insidethe
perspectiveofthisProposition4,itwasobviousatleasttohimthatconspiracy,
governmentinterference,monopoly,andallotherattemptstofrustratetheInvisible
Handwerethemselvespartoftheintricate,complexworkingoftheInvisibleHanditself.

HewasaneconomicTaoist.

TheInvisibleHanderswerebitterlyhatedbytheorthodoxoldLibertarians.Theold
LibertariansclaimedthattheInvisibleHandershadcarriedAdamSmithtothepointof
selfcontradiction.

TheInvisibleHandpeople,ofcourse,deniedthat.

"We'renottellingyounottoopposethegovernment,"Dr.RaussElysiumalwaystold
them."That'syourgeneticandevolutionaryfunction;justasit'sthegovernment's
functiontoopposeyou."
"But,"theLibertarianswouldprotest,"ifyoudon'tjoinus,thegovernmentwillevolveand
expandindefinitely."

"Notso,"Dr.RaussElysiumwouldsay,withsupremeFaith."Itwillonlyevolveand
expanduntilitcreatessufficientopposition.Yourcoalitionisthatsufficientoppositionat
thistimeandplace.Ifitwerenotsufficient,therewouldbemoreofyou."

SomeInvisibleHanders,ofcourse,eventuallyquitandreturnedtoorthodox
Libertarianism.

Theysaidthat,nomatterhowhardtheylooked,theycouldn'tseetheInvisibleHand.

"You'renotlookinghardenough,"Dr.RaussElysiumtoldthem."You'vegottonotice
everylittledetail."

Sometimes,hewouldpointout,ironically,thatmanyhadabandonedLibertarianismto
becomesocialistsorotherkindsofStatistsbecausetheycouldn'tseetheInvisibleHand
evenintheFreeMarketofthenineteenthcentury.

Alltheycouldsee,hesaid,weretheconspiraciesofthebigcapitaliststopreventfree
competitionandtomaintaintheirmonopolies.They,thefools,hadbelievedgovernment
interventionwouldstopthis.

Governmentinterventionwas,toDr.RaussElysium,justliketheconspiraciesofthe
corporations,merelyanotheraspectoftheInvisibleHand.

"Itallcohereswonderfully,"henevertiredofrepeating."Justnoticeallthedetails."

Alas,theToothFairypeoplewereusingallthesamearguments.Theysaidthatifyou
couldn'tseetheToothFairy,youweren'tlookinghardenough.

HONGKONGDONG


ThefameofIndoleRingh'smarveloustemplewiththelegendaryShivalingamsoon
spreadthroughoutIndia,andpilgrimscamefromhundredsofmilesawaytolookand
wonder.

Thenewcultdidnotlastlong,however,becausesomemiscreantcreptintothetemple
onedarknightandstoletheShivalingam.

Themultitudeswerehorrified,andevenwrathful,whenthetheftwasdiscoveredthe
followingmorning,butoldIndoleRingh,smilingandspacedout,madealittlespeech
thatcalmedthemall.

"Miracles,likeallotherthings,"hesaid,"comeoutoftheVoidfornoreasonandreturn
totheVoidfornoreason.Wait.Bepatient.Payattentiontothelittledetails.Andsee
whatcomesoutoftheVoidnext."

Actually,theShivalingamwasnotexactlyreturnedtotheVoid,buthadmerelybeen
transportedtoHongKong.

TheKingKongDonghadbeenbroughttoHongKongbytheunsavorypersonnamed
ChiKenTeriyaki,whowaswantedbytheauthoritiesinJapanforselling"American"
cigarettesmadeinTaiwan,dilutedsharkrepellent,stocksandbondsinatapiocamine
inNutley,NewJersey,cocainecutwithClorox,forgedcopiesofthenowhighpricedEl
MirforgeriesofVanGogh,andsimilarlydubiousmerchandise.ChiKen,ahalfChinese,
halfJapanesehoodlum,hadoriginallyworkedfortheinfamousFuManchuandwas
laterpartofthenotoriousCasperGutmanmobinIstanbul.Fallenonleandays,henow
ekedoutabarelivingasapoliceinformerinHongKongandparttimeactorin
undergroundOkinawanpornmovies.

ChiKenpurloinedtheithyphalliceidolonfromIndoleRingh'stempleofShivabecause
heknewofafabulouslyrichmaninHongKongwhohappenedtobelookingforjust
suchanitem.

HongKongatthattime,likemostoftheOrient,washauntedbythespecterofthe"boat
people,"refugeesfromUnistatwhohadcrossedthePacificinhopesofabetterlife.
TherewasnonationintheEastwillingtoacceptmorethanahandfulofthesepitiful
people,andmostofthemjustdriftedfromharbortoharbor,slowlystarving,andhoping
foracceptancesomewhere.

ThesedesperatepeoplewerefleeingtheappallingconditionsthatprevailedinUnistat
sinceFurbishLousewartbecamePresidentin1980.

ThemanChiKenTeriyakiwasgoingtoseewasnamedWingLeeChee,andhewasa
deep,dense,secretiveperson,evenmoreinscrutablethantheaverageChinese
businessman.

WingLeeCheehadbeenanathleteinhisyouthandhadeventouredUnistatonce,
performingamazingkaratefeatsinacarnival.Hismissingrighteye(theblackpatch
madehimevenmoreinscrutable)wassaidtobeduetoanunfortunateincidentthathad
occurredwhenthecarnivalwasinBadAss,Texas,andhetriedtousethewhite
washroomatagasstation.

Mr.WinghadreturnedtoChina,andthencetoHongKong,andhadgrownfatandrich
byprosecutingwhatheconsideredajudiciousandappropriatecampaignofrevenge
againstUnistat.HemassmanufacturedfakeT'angdynastyart,toswindletheUnistat
millionaires.HewasthehighestpaidinformantfortheCIA'sFarEastoffice,and,dueto
hisknowledgeofUnistat,alwaysturnedininformationthatconfirmedtheparanoid
fantasiesofhisemployersbuthadnoconnectionwithwhatwasactuallygoingon
anywhere.Throughaseriesoffronts,hehadtakenoverorganizedcrimeinUnistatand
arrangedthateverybodywouldblameitontheSicilians.

Hewascurrentlyengagedinsmugglingasmanyasonethousandofthe"boatpeople"
amonthintoHongKong,whereheputthemtoworkinhisfactoriesandpaidthemthree
centsaday.

WingLeeChee,ateightyseven,wasaphilosopherandamanofbalance.Hislifestyle
alwaystemperedseveritywithmercy,larcenywithgenerosity,sensualitywith
meditation.Healwaystriedtobeasjustamanaswascompatiblewithbeingarichand
comfortableman.

Ifoneoftheemployeesinhisfactoriesshowedinitiativeortalent,WingLeeChee
noticed,andthatmanorwomanwasquicklypromotedtoapositionofresponsibilityand
solvency.Hewasnoxenophobe;thispolicyappliedeventoJapanese,Hindus,andthe
wretchedUnistatrefugees.Mr.WinglivedonPeachBlossomStreetandhada
magnificentviewofallofHongKongandtheharbor.Hefeltthattheviewwasmaking
himmorephilosophicaleveryyear.Eachevening,afterhistwilightmeditationperiod,he
wouldsitathiswindow,smokingalongblackItaliancigar,andlookdownattheteeming
humanhivebelowhim,thinkingthateverypersondowntherewasthecenterofawhole
universe,justlikehimself.

Hehadlearnedtotaldetachmentfromallhisownemotionsinonesplitsecond,theday
thewhitecopsinBadAssknockedhiseyeoutwhilearrestinghim.Hehadknown,in
thatsecond,thathecouldkillthemallnomanintheworldknewmoreofaikido,judo,
kungfu,andkaratethanWingLeeCheeinhisyouthbutheknewwhatwouldhappen
afterthatifhedidit.Helookedathisownrage,understoodsuddenlyinaminiSatori
thatthiswasamechanicalchemicalprocessinhisbody,andbecametheclearmind
thatwatchedtherageinsteadoftheemotionalmindthatexperiencedit.Allofthemore
mysticalandobscurethingshismartialartsteachershadtriedtoteachhimabruptly
madesense.Hewasneverthesamemanagain.

Sohewouldsit,intheearlyevenings,smokinghisfoulItaliancigars(atasteacquired
fromabusinessassociatenamedCeline)andlookdownatHongKonganditsmyriad
ofrobots,eachdrivenbymechanicalandchemicalreflexes,eachbelievingitselfthe
centeroftheuniverse.Andthenhewouldlaughsoftlyathisownsenseofsuperiority,
becauseheknewthathewasalsocontrolledbychemicalchainsthatdeterminedwhat
hecouldandcouldnotthink.Onlyinverydeepmeditation,andonlyafewtimes,hadhe
brokenthosechainsandseenbriefly!howbriefly!whatthehellwasreallygoingon,
outsideofhisownmentalcardindexsystem.

ButWingLeeCheealwayscameoutofthosehighmomentsgigglingfoolishly,likea
mentaldefective,orweepingquietlyatthestupidityofhimselfandtherestofhumanity,
orsimplydazed,likeamanwhoopensthedoortohisownbedroomandfindshimself
lostinoneofthecratersofthemoon.

OnSeptember23,1986,WingLeeCheehadtwoimportantvisitorsinhisoffice.

ThefirstwastherobotwhousedthenameFrankSullivan.WingLeeCheegavehima
neatlytypedreportfullofnonsenseandmythologyaboutFarEasternaffairs,which
SullivanwoulddutifullyturnintoNathanielDrestatCIAheadquartersinAlexandria;
DrestwouldworryevenmorethattheDiscordiansweretakingovertheworld.

SullivangaveWingLeeCheeacashier'scheckfortwentythousanddollars,fromU.S.
SiliconandSherbet,whichwastheCIAfrontforpaymentsmadetotheFarEastsector.
SullivanalsogaveWingacheckforonehundredthousanddollars,fromUniversal
SynergeticsInc.,whichwasthefrontfortheheroinindustry'spaymentstotheFarEast.
Mr.WinggaveSullivanasmallticket,whichwouldpasshimintoawarehousewherethe
bricksofpureopiumwouldbeturnedovertohim,tobetransportedviatheCorsican
MafiatoFrance,whereitwouldberefinedintoheroin,shippedtoNewYork,andseized
byacopnamedPopeyeDoyle.Thelastpartoftheprocess,theintrusiveDoyle,wasnot
partoftheplan,buthappened,anyway,tooneshipmentintwohundred,andwaspart
oftheoverhead.

Mr.WinglikedpseudoSullivan,eventhoughheknewtherobotwasnothuman.Itwas
comfortingtotalktoanorganismthatpossessednoemotionsandsaweverything
clearly,downtoeverylasttinylittledetail.

ThatabilitytoobserveobjectivelywaswhatmadetherobotsuchasuperiorIntelligence
Agent,WingLeeCheesurmised.

Therobothad,infact,oncebeenahumanbeing.

ThenhejoinedtheU.S.MarineCorps,wheretheysenthimtoBootCampand
brainwashedhim.

Themarines,ofcourse,didnotknowthatwhattheydidwasbrainwashing.Theycalled
it"turningacivilianintoamarine."Itconsistedofbreakingdowneveryimprintandreflex
inthebrain,throughstress,shock,andconstanthumiliation,andthenimposinganew
setofimprintsandreflexes.Allmilitaryorganizationsdidit,andnoneofthemknewit
wasbrainwashing.

Thesemirobotized,semihumanproductofBootCampwasthenamongthelucky
twentyortheunluckytwentytobechosenforspecialtrainingbyNavalIntelligence.
Hewasthenbrainwashedasecondtime.Thetechnicianswhoworkedonhimthistime
weremoresophisticatedthantheDrillInstructorsinBootCamp,buttheystilldidn'tlike
tocalltheirworkbrainwashing."Brainwashing,"theyallfelt,waswhattheenemydid.
Whattheydidwas"turnadumbmarineintoatrainedIntelligenceAgent."

Theyusedstress,shock,indoctrination,hypnosis,LSD,andconditioning.

TheresultinghumanoidsubsequentlydefectedtoRussiaandwasbrainwashedathird
timebytheKGB.Whatcameup,ofcourse,wasaStrangeLoop:underordinary
hypnosis,heappearedtobewhatheclaimedtobe,asincereconverttotheRussian
wayoflife;underminddrugsanddeeperhypnosis,hewasaNavalIntelligenceagent,
astheKGBsuspectedallalong.Theyproceededtobrainwashhimafourthandfifth
time,andhereturnedtoUnistattobedebriefedandtoserveasasleeperagentforthe
KGB.

NavalIntelligencethenreprogrammedhimagain,diggingoutthethirdlevelthatthe
KGBcouldn'treach.ThisleveloperatedlikeaTrapdoorCodeinacomputer,andwas
inaccessibletoanyone,includingtheprogrammedagenthimself,exceptforthosewho
knewthetriggeringword,whichhappenedtobe"Fishmonger,"becausetheNaval
IntelligencepsychologistwhohaddevisedthissystemwasaCharlesFortfan.

NavalIntelligencenowhadaman,orwhathadoncebeenaman,whowasaccepted
totallybytheKGBasoneoftheirveryown,andwhoevendefinedhimselfthatwayto
himself,butwhowas,attheword"Fishmonger,"anObjectiveObserverforNaval
Intelligence.HewasexactlythetwentythirdtohavegonethroughthisStrangeLoop.

AtthispointthetimedwarfsfromZetaReticuligothimwithaclassicCloseEncounterof
theThirdKind.Allheeverremembered,andallhecouldtelleithertheKGBorNaval
Intelligence,wasthataflashinglighthadcomeoutofthesky,hehadbeenparalyzed,
andthenitwasthreedayslaterandhewasinanothercity.Everybodyassumedthat
thiswassomebrainspasmcausedbytheamountofimprintingandreimprintinghehad
gonethrough.

ButtheReticulanscountedhimasnumber137oftheiragentsonEarth.

AllhisIDidentifiedhimasFrankSullivan,ofDublin,Ireland,andevenwhenhewent
throughthebrainwashing,or"basictraining,"asitwascalled,intheProvisionalIrish
RepublicanArmy,thatcoverstoodup.

Neitherhenoranyoneelseremembered,by1987,thathehadbeenbornLeeHarvey
Oswald.

WingLeeChee'ssecondvisitorthatdaywastheunsavoryChiKenTeriyaki,andtheir
businesswasofasortthatmostoftheworldwouldhaveregardedasextremelygrisly
andperverse.

ButwhenTeriyakileft,twothousanddollarsricher,WingLeeCheewasanextremely
happyman.Hecanceledallhisappointmentsfortheday,summonedhischauffeur,and
spedlikeabullettothehomeofYingKawFoy,theyoungest,theloveliest,andthemost
belovedofhisthreemistresses.

"Myyouthhasbeenrestored,"hetoldthestartledyounglady."Ifeellikeamereladof
fortyeightagain!Awholenewlifeisopeningforus."

Therewasnomistakingtheglintintheoldman'seye."Theginsengworked?"Ms.Ying
asked,delighted.

"Well,notquite,"oldWingsaidcarefully."Butthisisalmostasgood.Wecannearly
PotterStewartagain."

"Mylittleolddarling,"Ms.Yingsaid."Ihavetoldyouthatitgivesmegreatpleasureto
Briggsyou,nomatterhowlongittakes.AndyouBriggsmemostdeliciouslyand
perfectly.Andwearehappyso,arewenot?Andwhatdoyoumeanbythesestrange
words?HowonearthdoesonenearlyPotterStewart?"

Wingopenedhispackageandshowedher.

"Goodgrief!"Ms.Yingcried."You'vehadyouragentsmutilateMickJagger!"Butthen
hereyesmistedover."You'ddoanythingtopleaseme,wouldn'tyou?Youlittleold
darling."

THESYMPOSIUM

WhenSimonMoonjoinedtheWarrenBelchSociety,theeffectwasnotadditive,but
synergetic.SimontheWalkingGlitchaddedtomindslikethoseofClemCotexand
BlakeWilliamscouldonlyresultinwhatanineteenthcenturyphilosopherhadforeseen
as"thetransvaluationofallvalues."Anewcosmology,anewtheology,anew
eschatology,andevenanewtheoryaboutthemetaphysicsofKrazyKatemerged.

Unfortunately,theyallgotsostonedthattheycouldneverrememberafterwardexactly
whattheyhaddecided.ItwaslikethelegendaryCthulhuconof1978or1979,whichwas
supposedtohavetakenplaceinArkham,

Massachusetts.Everysciencefictionfaninthecountrywasallegedtohavebeenthere,
andiftheydeniedit,theyweretoldthat"thehashwassogoodalmosteverybodyforgot
everythingthathappened."Nobodyeverknew,forsure,ifCthulhuconhaditself
happened,orifitwasjustahoax,alegendcreatedbyaminoritytoperplexandannoy
themajority.

Fortunately,orunfortunately,theBelchersallgottogetheraweeklatertotryto
reconstructtheirgreatdiscoveries.

"Ithink,"SimonMoonventured,"thatweallsortofagreedthatTristanTzara,writing
poemsbypickingwordsoutofahat,createdthewholemodernesthetic,whileClaude
Shannon,generatingInformationTheorybypickingwordsoutofahat,generatedthe
correctapproachtoquantummechanics."

"Jesus,"BlakeWilliamsprotested,"didIagreetothat?Whatthehellwerewesmoking,
anyway?"

"Waitaminute,"Cotexsaid."Simonhassomething,dammit!Didn'twediscoverthat
thereisasecondflawofthermodynamicsaswellasasecondlaw?"

"Ithink,"Percy"Prime"Timesaid,"thatwewerediscussingDeepMongolianSteinem
Jobandthatgotusintothesubjectofunusualcombinationsandpermutations."

"Yes,yes,byGod!"Williamsexclaimed."Werealizedthatgeniusconsistsoflookingfor
unusualcombinations.Alekhinecheckmateswithapawn,whilehisopponentis
worryingabouthisqueen.Beethovenproceedsfromthethirdmovementtothefourth
withouttheusualbreak...."

"AndShakespearemakesapowerfuliambicpentameterline,oneofhismosttragic,out
ofthesamewordrepeatedfivetimes,"Simoninterjected.

"AndPicassoconstructsabull'shead,andamightysinisterone,"FatherStarhawksaid,
"fromthehandlebarsandseatofabicycle."

"Andso,"SimonMooncriedtriumphantly,"theunusualcombinationisthekeyto
creativegenius,andTzaradidfindamechanicalanalogtoitinpickingwordsfromahat
atrandom.AndShannonformulateditmathematicallywhenherealizedthatinformation
isnothingbutunexpectedcombinationsnegativeentropyinthermodynamics!""Jesus,
runthatbymeagain,"PrimeTimesaidfaintly.ButBlakeWilliamshadtheideationalball
andwasrunningwithit."SoDadaArtandcyberneticsarebothwaysofplayinggames
withthermodynamics,withthelawsofprobability,"hesaid."ByGod,I'mbecominga
mystic.Theonlywaytheuniverseoruniversescansurviveisbycontinuousactsof
creativityunusualcombinationsonsomeleveloranother.Schrdingerwasrightall
along:lifefeedsonnegativeentropy.Themindfeedsonnegativeentropy.Thebest
favoryoucandoforanybodyistoshockthem,andnowondertheZenMastershityou
withastickwhenyouleastexpectit;byGod,anyshockthat'ssevereenoughisanew
imprint...."

"Imprint?"ProfessorFred"Fidgets"Digitsaskedwanly.

"Ahardwiredcircuitinthenervoussystem,"Williams

said."Imprintsarecreatedbyshock.Thebirthprocess

itselfisthefirstshockandmakesthefirstimprint.Haven't

youeverreadethology?"
"Youmeanlikeagoslingimprintsitsmother,andifthemotherisn'trightthereitimprints
someotherwhite,roundobjectlikeaPingPongball?"Digitssaid."Yeah,Ireadthatin
KonradLorenz.Didn'thewintheNobelforit?"

"Well,"Williamssaid,"I'vebeenwonderingforyearsabouttheHollandaiseSauce
mysterythepeoplewhowerepoisonedbycontaminatedHollandaiseonceandthen
hadatoxicreactionwhenevertheytriedtoeatHollandaise.That'sanimprint,Idecided.
Beingpoisonedisuhyoumustadmitashock."

"Oh,wow,"SimonMoonsaid."That'slikeDashiellHammett'sstoryabouttheguywho
almostgotkilledbyafallinggirder.Allhisimprintsgotextinguished.Hejustwandered
off,forgettingiswife,hisfamily,hisjob,andeverything,lookingforanotherRealityhe
couldhookonto."

"Yes,yes,"Williamssaid."You'regettingit.Ithappenstoshipwreckedsailorsandother
peopleinisolationforlongperiodstoo.Theimprintsfadeandwhatevercomesalong
makesanewimprint.IthappensinFreeFall;that'swhyalltheastronautscomeback
mutated.AndithappensatthefirstMilletttoo."

"FarPotterStewartingout,"Simonsaid."Youmean,Idigredhairedwomenbecause
myfirstMillettwaswitharedhairedgirlinhighschool?"

"You'vegotit,"Williamssaid."Ifithadbeenayoungumladyofcolor,you'dbeoneof
thosecatswhoonlyliketoswingwithBlackchicks."

"Ifithadbeenwithaboy,"Simonsaid,"I'dbeGay!"

"That'sit,that'sit!"ClemCotexcried."IftheFinkelsteinmultiworldsmodelinquantum
mechanicsistrue,thereareuniversesinwhichyoudidnottakethoseimprints."

"Yeah,"Simonsaid."IcanseemyselfhangingaroundGaybarsinoneuniverse,
chasingBlackfoxyladiesinanother....MyGod,it'sprobablytrueonthesemantic
circuitstoo.TheremightbeauniversewhereIimprintedmathematicsinsteadofwords.
Imightbeaphysicistoracomputerspecialistoverthereinsteadofanovelist...."
"And,"FatherStarhawksaidsolemnly,"theremightbeauniversewhere,withadifferent
setofemotionalandsemanticimprints,Imightbeaprofessionalcriminal,ajewelthief,
orsomething."

Therewasapausewhileeverybodyconsideredwhattheyhadbeensaying.

"Thisisallratherspeculative,"FredDigitssaidfinally."We'rebeingcarriedawaybyour
ownrhetoric,Isuspect."

"Urnanotherthing,"FatherStarhawksaid."Peopleseemtobechangingratherabruptly
andinstrange,unexpectedwayslately.Thosenegativeentropyconnectionsand
unusualcombinations,youknow?Imean,peoplewho'vebeenStraightalltheirlives
andsuddenlythey'reGayorBiorsomething.Andconservativessuddenlybecoming
liberals,asifallthesemanticimprintsarefadingeverywhere.Stablepeopleschizzing
out.Emotionalneuroticssuddenlybecomingmature.Itcan'tallbetheshocksof
acceleratingsocialchange,canit?"

BlakeWilliamsbeamed."That'sthequestionI'vebeenaskingmyselfformonths,"he
said,"andIthinkIhavetheanswer.Gentlemen,allthesocalledrecreationaldrugsthat
havecomeintowideuseinthelastfewdecadesmaybechemicalshockdevices.Ithink
peoplearebleachingouttheiroldimprints,andaccidentallymakingnewones,when
theythinkthey'rejustgettinghighandhavingfun."

"Waitaminute,"Simonsaid."Isn'tthereaguyinprisoninCaliforniaforthelasttwenty
sevenyearsorsoforsayingthat?SomepsychiatristnamedSidCohenorsomething?"

"Neverheardofhim,"saidPrimeTime."Besides,wedon'tputpeopleinjailinthis
countryfortheirideas."

"Well,anyway,"Simonsaid,"evenifallthesenewimprintsmadewithdopearemoreor
lessaccidentalandthepeopledoingitdon'tknowwhatthey'redoingactually,itsure
hasstirredupalotofthecreativeenergyweweretalkingabout.Newcombinations
bizarre,unthinkable,taboocombinationsareforminginbrainsallovertheworldevery
fewminutes.Maybethat'swhytheLibertarianImmortalistPartycouldcomeoutof
nowhereandwintheelectionbyalandslide.'Nomoredeathandtaxes.'MyGod,who
wouldhavethoughtofit,twentyyearsago?"
AfterthemeetingbrokeupClemCotexhungaroundtheofficeawhile,bringingthefiles
uptodate,dustingtheVenetianblinds,wonderingwhyDr.HughCrane,themost
brilliantmindinthewholesociety,hadbeensoquietduringthismeeting,andalso
speculatingidlyabouthowthenovelhewasinwasgoingtoend.

Therewasaknockonthedoor.

"Come,"saidClem.Hehadpickedthatupfromhishero,Captain(nowAdmiral)James
T.Kirk,andhethoughtitwasmuchclassierthan"Comein."

Asmall,brown,charismaticPuertoRicanopenedthedoor."HugodeNaranja,"hesaid,
introducinghimselfContinentalfashion.

"ClemCotex,"Clemsaid."WhatcanIdoforyou?"

"Youinvestigatetheimpossible,notso?"

"Haveaseat,"Clemsaid."WeinvestigatetheReal,"headded,"especiallythoseparts
thatthenarrowmindedandmentallyconstipatedregardasimpossible,yes."

Hugosatdown."Iaminitiate,"hesaid,"inSantaria.AlsoinVoudon.Iampoetand
shaman.Iamalsohowyousay?goanbananasoveronemeesteryallmytrainingin
Magickocannotexplain.ItheenktheNovelistplayatreekonme."

"Oh,ah,"Clemsaidthoughtfully,"you'reawarethatwe'relivinginanovel?"

"Oh,si,isitnotobvious?"Hugosmiled,oneweatheredquantumjumpertoanother.
"Youlookattheleetledetails,youseemuchtreekery,no?"

"RemindmetostudythisSantariasometime,"Clemsaid."It'sgivenyouabroad
perspective,Icansee.Now,what'syourproblem?"

"Poetry,itearnsnomuchthedinero,"Hugosaid."Iworknightsaswatchman,tokeep
bodyandsoultogether.Youknow?SoonenightatthewarehouseIseetheescatthees
sonofabeetchofacatanditisthereanditisnotthere.Youknow?"
"Oh,certainly,"Clemsaid."YoushouldtakeBlakeWilliams'courseonquantumphysics
andneuropsychology."

"Sonofabeetch,"Hugosaid."Itookthatcourse,butInopayattentionmuch.Justto
getthecredittogetthedegree.Youknow?Imeessomethingimportant?"

"Everymodernpoetandshamanshouldknowquantumphysics,"Clemsaidsternly.
"Specializationisoldfashioned.Yousee,SenordeNaranja,whatyouencounteredwas
Schrdinger'sCat,andSchrdinger'sCatisonlyinthisnovelpartofthetime."

NOLIMITSALLOWED

Nolimitsallowed,nolimitsexist.
johnlily,TheCenteroftheCyclone

"ThemanfromtheFBIishereagain,"Ms.Karrigsaid,"withamanfromtheDistrict
Attorney'soffice."

Dr.Dashwoodbreatheddeeply."Send...them...in,"hesaidascalmlyashecould,
clickingofftheintercom.

Hestaredatthedoorforonefrozenmoment,stillbreathingdeeply,relaxingevery
muscle;andthenthedooropened,andthetwomencamein.

Icouldjumpoutofthewindow,Dashwoodthought.Butthenhecontrolledhimself.

HerecognizedTobiasKnightatonce,butthemanfromtheD.A.'sofficewholookedlike
ayoungLincoln,orHenryFondaplayingyoungLincolnwasastranger.

"Dr.Dashwood,"Knightsaidcordially,"thisisCottonDeAct,fromtheDistrictAttorney's
office."
"NamedafterCottonMather?"Dashwoodaskedinanely.

"NamedafterCottonHawes,thedetective,"DeActsaid,lookingembarrassed."My
motherwasagreatmysterystoryfan."

"Oh,"Dashwoodsaid.Theredidn'tseemtobeanyotherappropriatecomment.

Therewasapause,andDashwoodnoticedthatTobiasKnightlookedabitembarrassed
also.

"Well,gentlemen,"hesaidheartily,"whatcanIdoforyou?"

"Hrrrmph!"DeActclearedhisthroat."Dr.Dashwood,"hesaidformally,"therearetwo
detectivesfromtheViceSquadwaitingoutside.Theyhaveawarrantforyourarrestum
forviolatingSection666oftherevisedcriminalcodeahBestiality."Hewasactually
blushing.

"Isee,"Dashwoodsaid.Herealizedthathisbreathhadbecomeshallowandhis
musclesweretensing;withaneffort,herelaxed."I'veknownthisdaymightcome,"he
saidwithicycalm."Whydon'ttheyjustcomeinandarrestme,then?"

DeActtookachair;KnightremainedstandingbetweenDashwoodandthewindow,
althoughnotbeingconspicuousabouthowhegothimselfthere.

"Well,ah,"DeActsaid,lightingacigarettenervously."YouareahumanInternational
CelebrityinasenseumpeoplesayFreudKinseyMastersJohnsonandDashwood
almostinonebreathyoumightsay.AhtherearequestionsofScientificFreedomat
stakehere.Ahthereisthematterofournationalimageahwedon'twantyoutobe
calledtheAmericanSakharovoranythinglikethathaharight?"

"Doyoumean,"Dashwoodcried,"youmightoffermeadeal?"

"Well,Ican'tspeakwithanyauthorityonthat,"DeActsaidquickly."Whatwehavein
mindishavingyouahfillusinonthebackgrounddetails."
"Youmeanyouwantmetoinformonmycolleagues,"Dashwoodsaid,notquitemaking
aquestionofit.

"No,nonothinglikethat,"DeActsaid."It'shardlynecessary,anyway.Weknowwhothey
areandwheretheyare,allsixtysevenofthem."HenotedDashwood'sreaction."Yes,"
hewenton,"thereisverylittlewedon'tknowaboutProjectPan,asyoucalledit."

"Oh,Burger,"Knightsaidsuddenly."Let'sstopfiddleStewartingaround.We'vebeenon
thisinvestigationforoverayear,Dashwood.WeknowthatyouandyourfriendBlake
Williamssomehoworotherinducedsixtyseventopscientificbrainstogetembroiled
withyouinthis,this,this..."Heblanched,andthenwentonbrutally,"Weknowyou've
beenLourdinganimals,dammit!LourdingdonkeysandLourdinggoatsandLourding
GodknowswhatelsewhateveryourRehnquistswouldfitinto,evidently.JesusChrist,"
headded,"Ineverheardofsuchathing."

"That'senough,Tobias,"DeActsaidsharply."Youseeourproblem,Dr.Dashwood.
EveninthisageofsexualpermissivenessandFreeScientificInquiry,youseemtohave
crossedalineintoveryahcontroversialterritory,aswellasbeinginviolationofSection
666,theBestialitylaw.Whatwewanttoknowis"hepausedforadeepbreath"whydid
youdoit,Doctor?Andhowinhelldidyougetsomanyimportantpeopleinvolved?"

"MyGod,"Dashwoodsaid."Youreallywanttoknowtheideabehinditall."

"Yes,"DeActsaid."Certainly.That'sourprobleminanutshell."

"Idon'tgoalongwithanyofthis,DeAct,"Knightsaid."It'sjustacaseofdegeneracyand
perversion,andwhocareswhatrationalizationstheyhave?"

"That'llbeenough,Tobias,"DeActrepeated.

"Ialwayssay,"Knightwenton,"'Scratchascientistandyou'llfindanatheist,and
scratchanatheistandyou'llfindagoddamnedCommie.'"

"Thatwillbeenough,Isaid."

Dashwoodwasthinking.ThiswastheoldMuttandJeffroutine:thetough,dumbcop
whoterrifiedyou,andthesmart,sympatheticcopwhoencouragedyoutoexplain
yourself.Still...

"Verywell,"hesaid."IwillattempttoexplainProjectPan."

"Youcancallyourlawyerbeforetalkingtous,"DeActsaidhurriedly."Youcancalla
psychiatrist,too,ifyouwant,"headded.

"Iamapsychiatrist,"Dashwoodremindedhim.WasDeActworriedabouttheSupreme
Courtandtheinternationalrepercussionsofputtingsixtyeighttopscientistsontrial,or
didhehavesomeintuitivesenseofthemagnitudeofwhatProjectPanwasallabout?

"Canyoutakemeseriously,"DashwoodspokedirectlytoDeAct,"ifItellyouthatwhat
wehavediscoveredhereisthesummumbonum,thesecretofsecrets,thekeytothe
mysticpowersoftheancients,themedicineofmetals,thestoneofthewise,thelostart
oftheRosicrucians...thatwhatyouhavebeentrainedtoconsidermostdespicableis
thecentralsacramentofexistence,thekeytohigherconsciousnessandintelligence,
theevolutionaryimperative,thegreatestscientificbreakthroughtoourepoch?Of
courseIalwaysknewIwouldgotojailforit.Iregardmyselfasluckytoliveinanage
whenyouwon'tburnmeatthestake."

DeActlitanothercigarette,avoidingDashwood'seyes.Hemumbled,"Yousoundabit
grandiose,Doctor."

"Thisguy'saschizo,"Knightsaid,morebluntly.

"Letmebeginatthebeginning,"Dashwoodsaid,ignoringKnight."Weareallprimates.
Doyouunderstandthat,gentlemen?"

"Sure,"DeActsaid."Evolution.Ihadthatincollege."

"It'sjustatheory,"Knightgrumbled."AmanstillhastherighttobelieveinGodinthis
country,youknow."

Knightwasratheroverdoingthetoughcoproutine,Dashwoodthought.
"It'sabiochemicalfact,"Dashwoodsaid,"thatninetyeightpercentofourDNAis
identicalwithchimpanzeeDNA.EightyfivepercentofourDNAisidenticalwiththatof
theSouthAmericanspidermonkey,ourmostdistantrelativeintheprimatefamily.That
means,gentlemen,thatmostofourbehaviorisgeneticallyprogrammedtofollowthe
samesurvival,status,andsexprogramsastheotherprimates.Weareonlytwopercent
differentfromthechimpanzee,andonlyfifteenpercentdifferentfromthespidermonkey.
Thinkofthatthenexttimeyougotothezoo.Ourcousinsarelookingoutatusthrough
thebars.

"Nowletmeemphasizethis,gentlemen.Wesufferfromcertaininducedcultural
hallucinations.Everytribebrainwashesitschildrenintotheislandrealityoftheadultsof
thetribe;that'sthegreatdiscoveryofEinsteininherprincipleofneurologicalrelativism.

"InourtribeWesternChristiancivilization,asit'scalledwehavebrainwashedourselves
intonotseeingandnotthinkingaboutourrelationshiptotheotherprimatesandtolifein
general.Weknowweareprimatesifwehavegottenasfarascollege"heemphasized
thelastforKnight"butwekeepforgettingit,ignoringit,losingtrackofit."

"Bullburger,"Knightgrowled.Itwasatypicalprimatereactioninathreatsituation,
Dashwoodthought."Goon,"DeActsaidnervously,lightingathirdcigarette."IfIwereto
writeanovelofaboutsixhundredpages,"Dashwoodsaid,"andmentionedonevery
oneofthefirstfourhundredpagesthatallofusareprimates,wewouldfinditfunnyor
satirical.Evenstranger,ifIstoppedmentioningitforabouttwohundredpages,the
readerswouldallforgetitquickly,andbestartledifImentioneditagainonpagefive
hundredfifteen.It'safactthatalleducatedpersonsknow,butmostofuswouldrather
forgetorsimplynotthinkabout.

"Now,whatisBestiality,gentlemen?"Dashwooddidn'tpause,butansweredhisown
question."Sexualrelationsbetweenahumanandananimal.Buthumansareanimals,
aswekeepforgetting,sothatdefinitionisculturallybiasedandselfserving.Bestialityis
sexbetweenanimals,that'sall.Interspeciessex.Andanybiologistwilltellyouthatis
quitecommon.InsectswillPotterStewartanybugthatcomesalongiftheycan'tfind
theirownspecies.Theubiquityofthemule,gentlemen,showshowcommonisthe
occurrenceofinterspeciessexbestialityasourlawcallsitbetweenhorsesand
donkeys.Throughoutthereptile,bird,andfishkingdoms,thesamebehavioris
commonplace.
"Thereisnospeciesontheplanet,gentlemen,thatthinksitis'degrading'tohavesex
withanotherspeciesexceptourselves.Andthatisbecausewearetryingtoforgetthat
weareprimates."

Dashwoodpaused.

"Thisissomekindofputon,"TobiasKnightsaidirritably."Gettothepoint,Dashwood."

ButDeActwascrushingouthiscigarettewithathoughtfillfrown."Sothat'syour
defense,then?"heasked."Scientificinquiryandsoon...Youjustwantedtofindoutthe
ahsubjectivesimilaritiesanddifferencesincomparingBestialitywithordinarysexand
homosexualityandahtheothervariations?"

"Defense!"Dashwoodexclaimed."Iamnotdefendingmyself.Whetherdefenseis
necessaryatallremainstobeseen.Rightnow,Iammerelyfillingyouinonthe
backgroundasyourequested."Hepaused.

"Allprogressismadebyviolatingtaboos,"hewentonpresently."Acertainfriendof
mineahmadethatobservationmanyyearsago."

"BlakeWilliams,"TobiasKnightsaid."Weknowhe'sinthisuptohisears."

"Acertainfriend,"Dashwoodwenton,neitherconfirmingnordenying."Hepointedout
thatwithouthereticsandblasphemerswithoutrebels,thatiswewouldallstillbeliving
likeHomoErectushalfamillionyearsago.Allprogresshasbeenmadebyindividuals
whodaredtothinkabouttheunthinkableanddotheforbidden.AsOscarWildesaid,
'Disobediencewasman'sOriginalVirtue.'Thosewhodare"

"WildewasaBryantingdegenerate,"Knightgrowled.Hewasshowingmoreofhis
canineteethnow:thesignalofprimateanger.

"Thosewhodarecrossthelineanylineareexplorers,andexplorerssometimesget
lost,"Dashwoodwenton."Butwithoutthem,weneverwouldhavewalkedoutofthe
tribalstageintotheurbanoroutoftheDarkAgesintotheRenaissance.
"Butenoughrhetoric.Letmecometothepoint.

"Gentlemen,dozensofanthropologistshavesatinthisofficeandtoldmestoriesthat
oncemademyhairstandonend.Anddozens,andscores,ofparapsychologistshave
toldmeevenwildertales.Gentlemen,everybodyoutsideBadAssorSeattleknowsthat
thelinebetweenExperimentalMusicandNoiseisveryhardtofind,thattheline
betweenavantgardeliteratureandnonsenseisambiguous,thateventhelinebetween
theBeautifulandtheHideousisfarfromfixed,sinceaUbangiwomanwithaplateinher
lipisattractivetoaUbangiman,butabsurdorrepulsivetomostofus.Mathematicians
knowthatwhatconstitutesproofisstillnotitselftotallyunderstood.ScientificTruth,so
called,usedtoremainthesameformillennia;thenitbeganchangingeverycentury;in
thiscentury,ithaschangedeverydecade,orevenquickerinsomefields.Andyet,in
spiteofallthis,wethinkthereisafirm,fixed,immutableboundarybetweentheReal
andtheUnreal.

"Gentlemen,thereisnosuchboundary.

"Everythingthatweregardasfilthy,obscene,blasphemous,anddisgustingispartofthe
ancientmindsciencecalledMagick."

Dashwoodsmiledgently."Sexwithamenstruatingwomanisforbidden,andconsidered
'indecent'orappalling,becauseitwasoncepartofthesacramentsoftheMoon
Goddesscult.ThemenstruatingwomanwasthoughttobepossessedbytheGoddess,I
suppose,butthetheorydoesn'tmatter.JudeoChristiancivilizationputthepractice
underaban,andmadeit'evil,'becauseitwaspartoftheancientGoddessreligionthat
theworshipersofaMaleGodcouldnottolerate.

"Homosexualityisforbiddenandconsideredrevoltinganduglybecauseitwaspartof
thetraditionofshamanisminmostpartsoftheworldnotincludedintheJudeoChristian
cult.

"Andyet,whatdowefindwithintheJudeoChristianworlditself?Whatdowefindinthe
mostorthodoxtimes?Wefindsecretcultsusingtheseforbiddenactsforoccult
purposes.Sexwithamenstruatingwomanwascalled'themysteryoftheRedGold'by
thealchemists,andwaspartoftheprocessofconsciousnessexpansioninthatformof
Magick.HomosexualitywaspartofthesecretteachingsoftheKnightsTemplarand
manyotherMagickcults."

"Therearepervertseverywhere,"Knightsaid."Thatdoesn'tproveanything."

Dashwoodsmiledagain."Tellme,"heasked,"howdoyoufeelafteragoodPotter
Stewart?"

"Whatdoesthatprove?"Knightdemanded.

"Letusseewhereitleadsus,"Dashwoodsaid."Youfeelgood,doyounot?Yes,youwill
agreetothatmuch.HowwouldyoufeelafterPotterStewartingforfourhours?"

"Tired."

"NotifyouweretrainedinTantra,"Dashwoodsaid."Tantristshavebeenknownto
continuethesexualactforfarlongereighthours,even.Isitnotstrangethat
Shakespearereferredtoitas'themonetarytrick,'andKinseyfound,backintheforties,
thattheaverageUnistatmalereachesMillettinlessthantwominutes?Isthisnotpartof
theTabooIamdiscussing,theTabooontheMagicksecretsofnonJudeoChristian
religion?WehaveloosenedupalotsinceKinsey'sday,buttoaTantristwearestill
rushingandmissingthelittledetails,youmightsay.Whyisthat?"

DeActlitanothercigarette."Jesus,"hesaid,"areyoutellingusthateverykindofsex
that'sforbiddenintheBibleisthekeytosomekindofoccultknowledgeorpower?Is
thatit?"

"Alongtimeago,whenIwasn'treadytounderstandyet,"Dashwoodsaid,"a
parapsychologisttoldme,'Scratchatrancemediumandyou'llfindahomosexual.'
That'snotonehundredpercenttrue,butit'struemoreoftenthannot.

"TheMoonGoddessisametaphor,letussay.Butwhathappenstoawomaninher
menses,thepowerthatispresentandcanbeusedinmindscience,isnometaphor.
"Now,whatstartedProjectPanwassomethingIdiscovered,by'accident'astheysay,
justbrowsinginabookthatdidn'tseemtorelatetomyownworkatall,abookonEgypt,
andthereitwas:therewasapriestesswhoperformedfellatioonagoateveryyearon
theEgyptianNewYear'sDay,whichisourJuly23.Yes,gentlemeninthevernacular,
shegavethegoataSteinemJob."

"Therearepervertseverywhere,"Knightrepeated."ThiswascentraltotheEgyptian
religion,"Dashwoodsaid."Wasthewholereligionaperversion?Don'tyousee,
everythingcalledperversiongotthatnamebecauseitwaspartoftheoldMagick
tradition?

"Andguesswhat,gentlemen:Whatisthemostcommonsubjectinthecavepaintings
leftbyourancestorsthirtythousandyearsago?

"Bestiality.Yes,gentlemenourancestorsportrayedthemselves,overandover,having
sexwithgoatsandbisonsandeveryanimaltheyknewabout.""Idon'tbelieveit,"Knight
saidflatly."Lookitupsometime,"Dashwoodsaidpleasantly."It'smentionedinGhost
Dance:OriginsofReligion,byWestonLeBarre,oneofourmostrespected
anthropologists.Youneverseethosepaintingsinanypopularbooksofcaveart,but
everypaleoanthropologistknowsaboutthem."YoufindthesameinancientIndianart,
ancientBabylonianart,ancientarteverywhere.

"AndyoufindtheMagicksecretcodedintomythandlegendoverandover.Theformula
forproducingaManGodorSuperHeroisthematingofhumanandanimal.Europaand
thebull;Ledaandtheswan;BeautyandtheBeast;theBuddhafatheredbyawhite
elephantinsomeversionsofthelegend.

"Tantricsexistheportalofthemysteries,andthealchemistscalleditthesecretof
silver.Thisisthesecretofgold,gentlemen.Andit'sevencodedintotheJudeoChristian
mythosaftertheGnosticsgotthrougheditingthemanuscripts.WhydoyouthinkEve
andtheSerpentarecreditedwithgivingustheknowledgeofgoodandevil?Whydoes
theHebrewwordfor'serpent,'neschek,havethesameCabalisticvalueastheword
'Messiah'?WhyistheMessiahbornoftheunionofawomanwithabird?Can'tyouread
themessageintheformula,animalhumansuperhuman?"

"Thisisblasphemousanddisgusting,aswellascriminal,"Knightsaid."You,Dr.
Dashwood,areascrazyasaloon."

"Whydoyoufeel'good'duringandaftersex?"Dashwoodwenton."Justnature'swayof
trickingusintoreproducingthespecies?Yes,thatispartofit.Butnaturelovesto
economize,todoseveralthingsatonce.Youfeelhighandpowerfulbecauseyouare
raisingyourmentalenergytheKundalinioftheHindumetaphor.Withtheproperritual
andpropertraining,theenergycanberaisedtothepointwhereyourWilland
ImaginationareilluminatedwithpowerandyoucancreateanewReality.Literally.You
walkoverthelinebetweenthestatemarked'real*asfarasyoudaretogointothe
'unreal,'andyoumakeyournewline.Untilyouhavethecouragetotryagainandgo
evenfartherout...."

"Crazyasaloon,"Knightrepeated.DeActputouthiscigaretteandlitanother."Iwantto
thankyou,Dr.Dashwood,"hesaidformally,"forbeingsoopenwithusandahtakingus
intoyourconfidencesofully.Youwillunderstand,ofcourse,thatwecannotahbuyyour
argumentatahfirstglance.Itisstartlingandahveryunorthodoxandahthatis,well,I'm
surethejurywillunderstand,abrilliantmindandprobablythefactorofoverworkandtoo
muchimagination."

Dashwoodstoodup."Isee,"hesaid."Well,it'stimeItriedittheoneexperimentIwas
alwaysafraidof."

"Grabhim,Tobias!"DeActshouted.

Buthewastoolate.

Dashwoodopenedhismouthtoitsmaximumextension,breathedindeeply,andthen
bellowed:

AAAOOOOZORAZZAZZAIEOAZAEIIIOZAKHOEOOOYTHOEAZAEAOOZAKHO
ZAKHEYTHXAALET

HYKH

"Gesundheit,"Knightsaidautomatically.

ButDashwoodwasgonefromthatuniverse.

Thesignsaid:
CHAPELPERILOUS
PRICEOFADMISSION:YOURMIND
S.MUSSSINE,PROPRIETOR

Dashwoodpassedthroughthelavatoryintothelaboratory,wherePatrickKnowlesand
LonChancywereturningswitchesandthrowingrelayswildlyasBelaLugosi,with
Karloff'soldmakeup,triedtopretendhewastheFrankensteinmonster,whileIlona
Maseyhuddledinacorner,lookingworried.

Itseemedthatsomerefurbishingandrebuildinghadbeengoingoninthedowntown
area,forUnionSquarewasmuchbiggerthanDashwoodrememberedandtherewere
severalnewbuildingssurroundingit,mostofthembuiltinhyperbolicandnonEuclidean
curves.ChinatownwasnowfacingdirectlyontotheSquareinsteadofbeingtwoblocks
downhillandtotheright,buttherewasahugesignontheChinatownGate,saying:

CLOSEDFORALTERATIONS
FUMANCHU,PROPRIETOR

ClaudeShannonofBellLaboratoriesandTristanTzara,thepioneerDadaist,were
pickingrandomwordsoutofpeople'smouthsastheypassedandgluingthemtoahuge
billboardwheretheyhadalreadyformedthepseudosentence:

AMERICANLIFEBOMBWENTAUTHORITARIAN
INFRONTALATTACKONANENGLISHAUTHOR

"We'rediscoveringtheinformation/redundanceratioinrandomsignals,"Shannon
explained,wavingaprogramablecalculator.

"We'recreatinganewArtForm!"Tzarashouted.

TheTinWoodmanofOzwentby,withsomeoftheboysfromtheHeavyMetalMob.

TherewereonlytwodoorsleadingbackouttotheBureauofCommonSense.Onehad
apictureofChristonthecrossandborethelegendLOVEONEANOTHER;butthe
otherhadapictureofCaptainAhabandborethelegendI'DSTRIKETHESUNIFIT
INSULTEDME.
"DoIhavetomakeachoice?"Babbittasked.Allthiswasgoingbytoofastforhimone
minutehewasdrivinghomefromworkandpassedthebillboardonHowardStreetwith
theeyeonthepyramid,andthenextminutehewasinthisplace.

ThelightsbegantogooutalloverSanFrancisco,firstinonesandtwos,thenindozens
andscores,andtheninhundreds,untilastygianblacknessdescendedinwhichPunk
Rockgroupsandtransvestitescouldbeseendimlyastheymarchedinrobothordes
towardtheBay.

"UFOsoverthepowerstations!"somebodyshouted."Amajorblackout!"

AndbehindtheGateofChinatownthedrumsofFuManchubegan.

ThePunkRockgroupsledtheparadedownhill,throughChinatown,totheOcean.

"Turnback,turnback!"screamedaneffeteintellectualsnob."TheseaisNOTourhome!
Bewareoftherisingriversofblood,bewareoftheRobotAnimalWithin.Turnback,turn
back!"

ButthePunkersmarched,andeverybodyfellinstepbehindthem.FirstcametheLudes
andtheCreepers,thentheDirksandtheBluntInstruments,thenmoreandmore:the
ProblemofAnxiety,theDaggers,theFunnyFarm,theNoon'sRepose,andtheTroubled
Midnight.Andnowitwasnotseparatetrickles,butonehugerushingstream:the
Leapers,theLaughingAcademy,theFoamixCulprits,theMailCover,Dr.Terror'sHouse
of111Repute,theKeyholePeepers,theWireTappers,theWhoopeeCasketCompany.
Andovertheshrieksandhowlsoftheirmusic,fromdeepinsidethehiddenrecessesof
Chinatown,thedrumsofFuManchugrewlouder.Andmoreandmorewerecoming,
still:DashwoodrecognizedtheMuggers,theSynthesizers,MosesandMonotheism,
ReeferMadness,CrazyArtie'sCrisisInterventionCenter,theJuniorCollegeof
Cardinals,TotemandTaboo,theThingsontheDoorstep,theHoods,theLanovacs,Six
FlagsovertheVatican,theSleepers,theBeepers,theRoofers,theCokers,the
ThunderingHoofs,theFramisStand,thePowertoCloudMen'sMinds,andthe
Croakers.

Pickering'sMooncircledtheEarth,goingbackward.AndstillthePunkscame:the
ChocolateMouse,theTaxWriteoff,theWelfareBums,thePrimalScream,Baphomet's
Witnesses,theBlackRabbitofInle,theVegetables,theFruits,theNuts,theFirst
ChurchofSatanScientist,theTantricPresbyterians,theHuns,theCreaturesfromthe
BackWard,theSpecialChildren,theVisigoths,theVandals,theLooters,theShooters,
theScooters,thePeanutButterConspiracyRevisited,theThousandKim,theSeedsof
Discord,theBentonHarborRatWeasel,theBloodshotPyramid,theWascalWabbits,
Crescendo,theDiabolicVariations,Skinnerball,theCommitteefortheEliminationof
Death,theWeirdMadeFlesh,thePoorGolems,theWretchedRefuse,theAlluminum
Bavariati,theDoubleHelix,theGoons,theThugs,theTeemingShore,theUnnatural
Act,theSolitaryVice,theMoroseDelectation,theWristSlashers,theWindowJumpers,
theKryptoniteKids,theStayFreeMiniPads,theElectCohens,theCorpseEatersof
Leng,theMiniatureSled,theHashBrownies,theBostonBlackies,KadathintheCold
Waste,theNeanderthalTails,theGiantSlugs,theSloths,theDisadvantagedYouth,the
AlbertdeSalvoFanClub,theDeadKennedys,theMolotovCocktails,and,loudestand
mosteldritchofall,GreatCthulhu'sStarryWisdomBand.

Andoveralltherewasasmelloffriedonions.
Hierusalem,myhappyhome
WhenshallIcometothee?
Whenshallmysorrowshaveanend,
ThyjoyswhenshallIsee?
Thywallsaremadeofpreciousstones
Theybulwarksdiamondssquare
Thygatesareofbrightorientpearl
Exceedingrichandrare
Theretreesforevermorebearfruit
Andevermoredospring;
Thereevermoretheangelssit
Andevermoredosing
Ah,mysweethome,Hierusalem
WouldGodIwereinthee!
WouldGodmywoeswereatanend
ThyjoysthatImightsee

Itwasdarkintheroom.Hismothersangthatsong.Sheworeaperfumethatsmelled
likelilyofthevalley.
DashwoodcutthroughanalleywheretwoancientEgyptianpriestesseswereleadinga
capturedUFOnautinchainspastaDogHeadedGod.

"MaybeAcidwouldhelp,"somebodymuttered.

SDATEYOURBIZNIZPLEEZ,thecomputerinsisted.HOOKUPUZINGIMPROVED
EQUIPMENDTOAVOIDFEEDBACK.SDAYTUNED.

ADominicanmonkmarchedpastcarryingasignthatsaid:

JEWESWEKILLE
TOSERVEGOD'SWILLE

Strangemessageswereappearingonthecomputerconsole:SLLRMSASKGREEN
DREAMSTKX1826PCSM.Y.O.B.(MINDYOUROWNBUSINESS)

SimonMoonseizedthemicrophoneandbeganalong,unintelligiblespeechaboutthe
DrugProblem.Ineachofourmajorcities,heseemedtobesaying,therearethousands
ofpeoplewhodesperatelyneeddope.Forallpracticalpurposesthesepeoplesimply
cannotliveunlesstheyget"high."Heestimatedthenumberofafflictedadultsinthe
nationatwellover125,000,000,andsaidtheirhabitsincluded,butwerenotlimitedto,
Valium,marijuana,Miltown,uppers,downers,acid,cigarettes,booze,aspirin,DMT,
cocaine,peyote,andCocaCola.Hecalleduponallconcernedcitizenstodonatetheir
surplusdopetoahugepileinthecenterofeachcity,tobecalledthePublicTrough,
fromwhichtheneedycouldtakewhatwasnecessarytokeepthemfunctioning.

Thewindownextdoorlitupsuddenly,showinganancientHinduprincessinTantric
rapturewithaUFOnaut.

"EternalSerpentPower,"Simonwasranting."IfweallraisetheKundaliniatonce,
maybewecangetthroughtheDarkNightoftheSoulandseetheGoldenDawn.Three
A.M.istheworstofitthat'sthepeakforUFOContacts,murders,suicides,andBad
Trips."
AbrutalgroupofCroMagnonscameoverthehillandbeganclubbingAncient
Astronautstodeath.TheCroMagnonsweretall,blond,andAryan;theAstronautshad
theblueskinofKrishnaandQuetzalcoatl.

Aneonsignflashed:

HALLOFSELFLOVE
THEAMERICANDREAMACHIEVED
DOWHATTHOUWILTSHALLBETHEWHOLEOFTHE
LAW

InthefirstroomGeorgeWashingtonwasholdingamoviecameraonLindaLovelaceas
shemasturbatedandmoaned,staringfixedlyintothecameraeye.Inthesecondroom
JohnAdamswasholdingamoviecameraonGeorginaSpelvinasshemasturbatedand
moaned,staringfixedlyintothecameraeye.InthethirdroomThomasJeffersonwas
holdingamoviecameraonAnnetteHavenasshemasturbatedandmoaned,staring
fixedlyintothecameraeye.InthefourthroomJamesMadisonwasholdingamovie
cameraonTinaRussellasshemasturbatedandmoaned,staringfixedlyintothe
cameraeye.

"What'stheuseofrevolutionwithoutgeneralmasturbation?"sangaPunkRockgroup
calledDr.Climax'sHouseofDildos.

InthefifthroomJamesMonroewasholdingamoviecameraonMarilynChambersas
shemasturbatedandmoaned,staringfixedlyintothecameraeye,soitwouldregister
everyexpressioninhereyes,everyinvoluntarytwitchofpleasurearoundhermouth.

AspastichandedDashwoodaleafletheaded"HELPEPILEPTICSLIVEANDWORKIN
DIGNITY."

AgirderfellontheonejustmaninSanFrancisco.

Anarchistsranthroughthestreetsscreaming,"Auxarmes,citoyens!Thegovernmentis
takingoverourcountry!"

CLEARFORLAWANDORDERDAYGREETING!blaredtheloudspeakers.
FOLLOWINGISGREETINGFORLAWANDORDERDAY.

CottonMather,CottonHawes,andCottonDeActparadedpastwithasignsaying:

YEPOPETOSHUNNE
ABATTLEWUNNE

Agirderfellonanunjustman.

GeorgeDornrealizedthat,amidallthisnightmareimageryfromtherandomcircuits,he
wascomingbacktogetheragain,alittlebitatatime,comingoutoftheillusionthathe
wasFrankDashwood.

"Hereitis,"CagliostrotheGreatsaid,handingGeorgeabookcalledTheAnswer.

Georgeopenedthevolumeeagerly.Ithadonepageandsaid:

FLOSSING

"Hereitis,"Dr.HughCranesaid,handingGeorgeabookcalledTheAnswer.

Frankopenedthevolumeeagerly.Ithadonepageandsaid:

JanZelenkawasborninBohemiain1679,wroteinastylesimilar(andmuchadmired
by)JohannSebastianBach,diedin1745.Muchofhissacredmusicisstilladmired,but
perhapshisgreatestcompositionwashisCapriccioof1723.

Outofthesearoseagigantic,chryselephantine,bodacious,incredibleyellow
submarine,wavingtheBlackFlagofAnarchyandtheGoldenAppleofDiscord.

Mavis,thewomanwiththetommygun,appearedatawindow."Gravitysucks!"she
shouted."Thecreamofthejestrisestothetop.That'stheLawofLevity."
AndthesubmarinetookoffandfloatedoverNorthBeachlikeaflyingsaucer.

Mavisthrewdownarope."Grabhold,George!"sheshouted."We'vecometorescue
you!"

Andheleapt,andgrabbedhold,andtheypulledhimup,intotheGoldenSpaceShip.

CaptainHagbardCeline(wholookedalotlikeHughCranethemagician,whenyou
stoppedtothinkaboutit,andalittlebitlikeHarryCoin,thecrazyassassin,and
somewhatlikeEveryman)tookhishand."Goodtohaveyoubackaboard,George.Was
itroughdownthere?"

Hetriedtobemodest."Well,youknowhowitisonprimitiveplanets...."

"Theygaveyoumerryhell,"Hagbardsaid."Icanseeitinyourface.Well,cheerup,
George.It'sovernow.We'reheadinghome."

Andindeedtherewerethousands,maybehundredsofthousandsofthem:greatgolden
shipssailingpastatthespeedoflight,headingintothecenterofthegalaxy.

Itwastheplanetarybirthprocess;earth,likeasinglegiantflower,afterincubatingfor
fourbillionyears,wasdischargingitsseed.

Andtheships,likehomingpigeons,weregoingbackwheretheexperimentbegan,
wheretheDNAwascreatedandejaculatedoutontoeveryplanet,wheretheStar
Makersdwell,beyondtheBlackHole,outofspace,outoftime.

THERETURNTOITHACA

ThefutureexistsfirstinImagination,theninWill,theninReality.
barbaramarxhubbard

OneeveningwhileWingLeeCheewasmeditatinghefoundhimselffloatinghigherand
higher,becomingmoreandmoredetached,observingwithtotalluciditythathewasa
littleoldmansittinginaroomhighonahilloverahugecityonaplanetcirclingarounda
starinagalaxyofmyriadsofstarsamongcountlessgalaxiesextendingtoinfinityand
eternityinalldirections,withinhisownmind.Andinthatlucidityheknewthathehad
beenlyingtohimselfformonths,pretendingnottonoticewhatwashappeningtohis
bodyasitgraduallyterminateditsbasicfunctions,fearfuloflookingstraightatDeath;
butnow,inthatlucidity,lookingatitandseeingthatitwasjustanotherofthemillionsof
thingsthatWingLeeChee(whowassorichandpowerful)couldnotdoanythingabout;
butnow,inthatlucidityandobjectivity,lookingfardownatthisparticulargalaxy,this
insignificantsolarsystem,thistemporarycity,thishousethatastrongwindcouldblow
away,thisabsurdoldmanwhowasrichandpowerfulbutcouldnotcommandthetides
oralterthepathsofthestars,itwasallsuddenlyagreatjokeandeverylittledetailmade
sense.For,inthisnewlucidityandobjectivityandselflessperspective,hedidnotgiggle
orweeporfeeldazed,butonlysmiled,veryslightly,knowinghewouldsoonlosethis
body,whichwaslikeanoldrundowncar,andthiscentralnervoussystem,whichwas
likeatiredandincreasinglyincompetentdriver,andthemetaprogrammerinthehigher
nervouscenterswhichgavehimthisperspective,becauseoutherebeyondspacetime
hesimplydidnotgiveadamnaboutthatlife,thatplanet,orthatuniverseanymore.

So,asheveryslowlycamedown,contracted,intoEuclidean3Dagain,hewasaware
ofeveryamusing,poignant,radiantlittledetail,thewholenessandtheharmonyandthe
luminosityofitall,knowinghowrichlyhewouldenjoyeverylastminuteofit,nowthatit
didn'tmattertohimanymore.

Thenextdayhecalledtheofficeandtoldhissecretaryhewouldn'tbein.Thenhetook
alongwalk,enjoyingeverybird,everyflower,everybladeofgrass,everyradiantdetail,
andgettingabitwindedanothersignthatthecarwasrunningdownandfinallytakinga
cabtoYingKawFoy'shouse.

Sheweptwhenhetoldher,buthesmiledandjokedandchidedheroutofit.

"Imaybeoneofthelastmentodie,"hesaidwhenshewascalm."PresidentHubbard
inUnistatisputtingalotofmoneyintoresearchonlongevityandimmortality.No,don't
weepagain;itisnothingtome.Ifeellikeoneofthelastdinosaurs."
"Youarethebestmanintheworld,"shesaid,eyesflashing.

"Ihavebeengoodtoyou,"hesaid."Ihavebeenasmuchofascoundrelaswas
necessarytoberichandcomfortable.Manywillbegladofmydeath."

Hetoldherhowhewasarrangingtohavemostofhisestateliquidated,turnedinto
cash,anddepositedinheraccount.

Heurgedhertotakeadvantageofthelongevitydrugsastheybecameavailable,andto
meditateeveryday."Oneyearoflifeiswonderful,whenyouareconsciousofthe
details.Athousandyearswouldbemorewonderful."Andthenheaddedastrange
thing:"Thinkofmesometimes,andlookforme.You'llneverseeoldWingLeeGhee
again,butyou'llseewhatIreallyamifyoulookhardenoughandlongenough."

Andthenhesuddenlyrealizeditwascomingevensoonerthanhehadexpected."How
absurd,"hesaid."Imustliedownnow."

Hestretchedoutonhercouch."Imusthavewalkedtoofar,"hesaid."Somanyhills...
somanyupsanddowns...andallIwantnowisonething.Openyourblouse,please.
That'sright,thankyou.No,Ijustwanttolookatthem.SuchlovelyBrownmillers,like
peaches.Letmetouchthem.No,letmekissthem.No,nevermind,I'mgoingnow."

"Don'tgo,"shecried."Kissthem,kissthemfirst."

"RightbackwhereIstarted,"hesaid,suckling.Andthenhelefther.

Ms.YingdecidedtogototheFrenchRivieraafterthefuneral.Shewouldspendayear
there,havingaseriesofyoung,crude,unintelligentlovers(whowouldn'tremindherof
him)andthendecidewhattodowithhermoneyandtherestofherlife.

ShesoldtheRehnquistandalotofotherjunkwhenshegaveupherhouseinHong
Kong.

Thewholesalerdidn'tknowwhattodowiththeRehnquistatfirst,buthefinallysolditto
aSexShopinYokohama.
MarkoffChaneywasvacationinginJapanthatsummer,becauseafteryearsofpaying
himonlyaboutthreehundreddollarsamonthhisstocksinBlueSky,Inc.,were
suddenlypayingtwothousanddollarsorthreethousanddollarsamonth.

BlueSkymadezerogravitydevicesthatwereprovingveryusefulinthespacecities
PresidentHubbardhadcreated.

Chaneyhadalsowrittenabook,whichwassellingmoderatelywelldespiteitsrather
eccentricthesis.Itwashisendeavortoprovethatallthegreatachievementsinart,
science,andcultureweretheworkofpersonswhowere,ontheaverage,lessthanfive
feettall,andoftenshorter.Heclaimedthatthisfacthadbeen"coveredup"bywhathe
called"unconscioussizeistprejudice"onthepartofprofessionalhistorians.

HehadcalledthebookLittleMenwithBigBalls,butthepublisher,outofasensethat
Chaneyperhapshadsomeunconsciousprejudiceofhisownandcertainlylackedgood
taste,hadchangedthetitletoLittlePeoplewithBigIdeas.

ChaneyspenthisfirstdayinJapanvisitingKyoto.HewentouttoseewheretheTemple
oftheGoldenPavilionhadoncestood,andhespentthreehourswalkingaroundthere,
tryingtogetintotheheadoftheZenmonkwhohadburneditdown.

Chaneyhadknownthestoryforyears:howthemonk,workingonthekoan"Doesadog
havetheBuddhaNature?",hadtriedoneanswerafteranother,alwaysgettinghitupside
theheadbyhisRoshiandtoldhedidn'thaveityet.Finally,aftermeditatingcontinuously
foradayandahalfwithoutsleeporfood,themonkhadabrainstormofsomekindand
dashedfromhiscellwithahellofayellandburneddowntheTemple,themostbeautiful
buildinginJapanatthetime.

Thecourthaddeclaredthemonkinsane.

Afterthreehoursoftryingtogetintothemonk'sheadspacewhenhesetfiretothe
building,Chaneyhadhisownbrainstorm.HehadbeenignoringDr.Dashwoodforthree
orfourmonths,herealized.

HetookacabtoWesternUnionanddispatchedatelegramtoDr.DashwoodatOrgasm
Research.Itsaid:
FLOSSINGISTHEANSWER
EZRAPOUND

Chaneyhadgottenthosewordsmanymonthsago,whilehavingsomedentalwork
done.Thedentistsuggestedtheytrynitrousoxide,andChaneyeagerlyagreed.

HerememberedthatthegreatpsychologistWilliamJameshadoncethoughthehadthe
wholesecretoftheUniverseonanitrousoxidetrip.WhatJameshadwrittendown,in
tryingtoverbalizehisinsight,wasOVERALLTHEREISASMELLOFFRIEDONIONS.
Chaneywantedtoknowwhatitwasliketobeinthestatewherefriedonionswould
explaineverything.Hesniffeddeeplyandexpectantlyasthemaskwasplacedoverhis
nose,andwaited.

Noilluminationcameatfirst,buttheroomseemedtobegettingbiggerandbigger,and
thenitwasgettingsmallerandsmaller,andthenhebecameawarethatthedentist,as
wastypicalofhisspecies,wasmakingremonstratingnoisesashegazedintoChaney's
mouth,sayingthatbrushingwasnotenoughandthateverybodyshouldbemore
consciousofdentalhygieneandsoon,alltheusualcraperoo,andthenhe,Chaney,
wasn'tthereanymore,hewasn'tanywhere;itwasjustlikewhathehadheardabout
quantumjumpinginphysics,becausehewasthereagain,havinggonefrom0to1,and
thengoingbackto0again,notbeingthere,andthenbackto1againandthedentist
saidsomberly,likeaverywiseoldwizard:

"Flossingistheanswer."

AndChaneyfeltlikehemightgiggleorweep,butwastoodazedtodoeither,having
founditatlast,theAnswer.Anditwassosimple,asallthemysticssaid;itwasrightout
intheopenandwedidn'tnoticeitbecauseweweren'tconsciousofthedetails.Andhe
staredup,awed,atthewisefaceofthegreatsagewhohadgivenittohim,atlast,the
Answer.

Flossing.

Andthedamnedestpartofitwasthatforweeksafterhestillhadflasheswhenhe
thoughtthatwasit,theAnswer.Flossing.
AfterKyoto,ChaneywenttoYokohamatoseetheinfamousSexShops,aswas
inevitable.

InthefirstSexShophepurchasedanartificialvaginawhichseemedvastlysuperior,in
bothrealismandpneumaticgrip,tothemodelhehadathome.

InthesecondSexShopheboughtaboxofpornographicEasterEggs.

Bythenhewasfeelingthesurgingdespairagain,knowingthatthesesubstituteswere
notwhathereallywanted,knowinghislonelinessandhisexilewiththatbitternessthat
heusuallykeptatbaybyconcentratingontheabsurdityofeverythingingeneral,
experiencingtheterribleisolationofbeingoutthereonthemoonseparatedfromthe
ridiculousoversizedclodsby250,000milesandsizeistprejudice.

Andthen,inthethirdSexShop,hefoundit.

TheAnswer.

Anditwasn'tflossingatall.

Dr.GlopbergerhadworkedintheSexChangedepartmentofJohnsHopkinsforalong
time,andthoughtthatnothingcouldsurprisehimanylonger.

MarkoffChaneysurprisedhim.

"No,"Chaneysaid,inanswertothefirstquestionGlopbergeralwaysasked,"I'venever
feltlikeawomantrappedinaman'sbody."

"Um,"Glopbergersaid."Well,sir,whatdoyouwanthere?"

Chaneyopenedtheboxinhislap.

"GoodGod,"Glopbergersaid."I'veonlyseenonethatbigonceinmylife."Whatwas
thatcharacter'snameWildebeeste?Strangeone:hehadkeptitaftertheoperation,
haditmountedonaplaqueorsomethinglikethat.
"Yousee,"Chaneyexplained,"Idon'twanttobecomeawoman.Iwanttobecomemore
ofaman."

"Well,"saidDr.Glopberger,professionally."Well,well."Itwasaningeniouschallenge,
evenwiththeadvancesinSexSurgeryinthepastthreeyears,butitcouldbedone....
Myword,itwouldbeaMedicalFirst.

ThestocksinBlueSkywerenowpayingeightthousanddollarstotenthousanddollars
amonth.

"Nameyourprice,"Chaneysaidwithasteelyglint.

JustinCaseheardaboutthemanwithnonameatoneofMaryMargaretWildeblood's
wild,wildparties.JoeMalik,theeditorofConfrontation,toldthestory.Itwasratherhard
forCasetofollowbecausethepartywashugeandnoisyatypicalWildebloodsoiree.All
theusualcelebritieswerethereBlakeWilliams,themostboringcrankinthegalaxy;
JuanTootrego,therocketengineerresponsibleforthefirstthreespacecities;Carol
Christmas,themanwhohadinventedthefirstlongevitydrug,ExTend;NatalieDrest,
thefieryfeminist;BerthaVanAtion,theastronomerwhohaddiscoveredthefirstreal
BlackHole,intheSiriusdoublestarsystem;MarkoffChaney,themidgetmillionairewho
ownedmostofBlueSky,Inc.Hordesofothernamesmaxi,midi,andminicelebrities
swarmedthroughMaryMargaret'sposhSuttonPlacepadastheeveningworeon.
Therewasalotofbooze,alotofhash,andduetoChaneyaltogethertoomuchcoke.

"ThetownwascalledPersonville,"Malikwassaying,"andthemanwithnonamewasa
detectiveforabigagencylikePinkerton's.ButthenKurasawaadaptedit,andtheman
withnonamebecameaSamurai."

"Ofcoursewecangotothestars,"MarkoffChaneywassaying,evenlouder,onCase's
otherside."Thespeedoflightdoesn'tmeanathingwhenyouconsiderwhatthenext
twoorthreejumpsoflongevitywillbring.Therearenoreallimitsanywhere,exceptin
thethinkingofthetimidandtheconservative."HewasarmedwithnewCourage.

"ThenhebecameGlintEastwood,"Maliksaid.
"What'syourgame?"JuanTootregoasked,makingconversation.

"Oh,art,"Casesaid."IwritetheartcolumninConfrontation."

"Buthestilldoesn'thaveaname!"Malikexclaimed.

"Thenyou'rethemanwhodiscoveredElMir,"JuanTootregosaid,impressed.Blake
Williamssnickeredsuddenly.

"EverybodythisisSimonMoonthePresident'shusband,"MaryMargaretsaid.

TheFirstManfidgetedintheirgaze.

"I'mnotheretodoanyelectioneering,"hesaid.

"He'soneofthebestchessplayersinthecountry,"MaryMargaretsaid,completingthe
introduction.

"Umhowdoesitfeeltobemarriedtoapolitician?"Caseasked,tryingtoputSimonat
ease.

"Evehasherthing,andIhavemine,"Simonsaid.

"Ihaveatheory,"BlakeWilliamsorated,"thatthechessboardisamodelofthehuman
brain.Whatdoyouthinkofthat,Mtr.Hubbard?"

"Mt.Moon,"Simonsaidquickly.HewasaMasculinist.

"Yousee,"Malikwenton,"whetherhe'sadetective,aSamurai,oracowboy,hestillhas
noname.Isn'tthatarchetypal?"

"Ialwayslookatthebrightside,"HagbardCelinewassayingtoNatalieDrest."There's
only337,665yearstogointheKaliYuga,forinstance."

"Well,ifBatmanissosmart,"MarvinGardensmuttered,"whydoeshewearhis
underdrawersoutsideofhispants?"
"Pardonme,"SimonMoonwasaskingBlakeWilliams,"butdidyousayGrandCanyon
shouldbeconsideredasanartisticwholeorasanartistichole?"

"Why,yes,"MarkoffChaneywastellingMaryMargaret,"Iamworkingonasecond
book.It'scalledRealityIsWhatYouCanGetAwayWith,andit'saboutthefuture
evolutionofconsciousnessandintelligence."HisCouragewasgrowing.

"Childproofbottles,myAbzug,"MarvinGardenscomplained."Thereisn'tachildinthe
worldwhodoesn'thavethepatienceandcuriositytoopenoneofthem."

"Hehasnoname,"Maliksaid,"becauseheisDeath,andDeathisanightmarefrom
whichhumanityisbeginningtoawaken."

"It'stimetostopworshipinggods,"Chaneywentonearnestly,"andaimatbecoming
gods.Ittookfourandahalfbillionyearstoproducethismoment,andwho'sreally
awakeyet?"

"It'sadultswhogiveuponthedamnedbottles,"MarvinGardenswenton."Theydecide
IknowIdo'Agh,thehell,Idon'tneedthePotterStewartingpills.'Whattheyareis
adultproofbottles."

"Whoisthatexcitingman?"NatalieDrestwhisperedtoMaryMargaret.

"MarvinGardens,thebrainsurgeon.He'smarriedtoDr.Lovelacetheuhyouknowthe
firstwomanBishopintheMormonChurch."

BennyBenedict,thecolumnist,arrived,apologizingforbeinglate."Ihadtoseemy
motherattheSeniorCitizens'home.Greatoldgal,she'stakenuptennisagainsince
shestartedonExTend."

"Well,yes,"HagbardCelinewassaying."Iwasastagemagicianinmyyouth.Called
myselfCagliostrotheGreat.ButthenIgotturnedontoCabala..."

"EverybodythisisJohnDiskhe'stheassistanttoDr.LousewartatNASAAmes..."
"Nowife,nohorse,nomustache,"GeneralWingLeeChee(U.S.Army,ret.)wassaying.
"Ireallyresentedthat."

Andtheneverybodyelsehadleftandtheywerealone.

"Ofcoursetherearerobotsamongus,"Chancysaid,finishinghislastspeech."There
arealsoMagiciansamongus.Ithinkwetaketurnsplayingeachrole,asamatterof
fact.TheMagiciandefinesarealitymeshandtherobotlivesinit.Grok?"

"God,you'reanattractiveman,"MaryMargaretbreathed,thinkingofhisCourage.

Theireyeslocked.Becauseofthemagnetismofhispersonality,neitherofthemwas
consciousofthefactthatshewaslookingalongwaydownathim.

"Let'ssniffalittlemorecoke,"Chaneysuggested.

"Ihavesomecognaclefttoo,"shewhispered.

"Perfect,"hesaid,andquoted:

Heartofmyheart,comeoutoftherain,

Soakmeincognac,loveandcocaine!

Theywenttothekitchentogetthecognac,andhewasswaggeringabit,likePerry
Masonabouttocrossexamine,orthenewgunintown.

HepattedherFrankelgently.ShepattedhisnewCourage.

Thentheywenttothebedroom,andaftercircumnavigatingtheglobeandpassing
through1023possibleuniversesUlyssesfinallyreturnedtoIthaca.

GLOSSARY:
AGUIDEFORTHEPERPLEXED

BELL'STHEOREM:AmathematicaldemonstrationbyDr.JohnS.Bell,whichshows
thatifquantummechanicsisvalid,anytwoparticlesonceincontactwillcontinueto
influenceeachother,nomatterhowfaraparttheymaysubsequentlymove.This
violatesSpecialRelativity,unlesstheinfluencebetweentheparticlesisnotemploying
anyknownenergy.

COPENHAGENINTERPRETATION:ThetheoryformulatedbyNielsBohr,accordingto
whichthestatevector(seebelow)shouldberegardedasamathematicalformalism.In
otherwordswhichsomephysicistswilldisputetheequationsofquantummechanicsdo
notdescribewhatishappeninginthesubatomicworldbutwhatmathematicalsystems
weneedtocreatetothinkofthatworld.

COSMICGLUE:Ametaphortodescribethequantuminterconnectednessthatmust
existifBell'sTheorembevalid.CoinedbyDr.NickHerbert.

E1GENSTATE:Oneofafinitenumberofstatesthataquantumsystemcanbein.The
SuperpositionPrinciplesaysthat,beforemeasurement,asystemmustbeconsideredto
beinallofitsetgenstates;measurementselectsoneeigenstate.

EINSTEINROSENPODOLSKYEFFECT:Thequantuminterconnectednessas
describedinapaperbyEinstein,Rosen,andPodolsky.Thepurposeofsaidpaperwas
toprovethatquantummechanicscannotbevalid,sinceitleadstosuchanoutlandish
conclusion.SinceBell'sTheorem,somephysicistshavechosentoacceptthe
interconnectedness,howeveroutlandishitmayseem.SeeQUIP.

EVERETTWHEELERGRAHAMMODEL:AnalternativetoBell'sTheoremandthe
CopenhagenInterpretation.AccordingtoEverett,Wheeler,andGraham,everythingthat
canhappentothestatevector(seebelow)doeshappentoit.

FORM:InthesenseofG.SpencerBrown,amathematicalorlogicalsystemnecessary
tosystematicthoughtbuthavingtheinevitableconsequencesofimposingitsowndeep
structuresupontheexperiencespackagedandindexedbytheform.See
COPENHAGENINTERPRETATION.

HIDDENVARIABLE:AnalternativetoBell,Copenhagen,andEverettWheelerGraham.
AsdevelopedbyDr.DavidBohm,theHiddenVariabletheoryassumesthatquantum
eventsaredeterminedbyasubquantumsystemactingoutsideorbeforetheuniverseof
spacetimeknowntous.Dr.EvanHarrisWalkerandDr.NickHerberthavesuggested
thattheHiddenVariableisconsciousness;Dr.JackSarfattisuggeststhatitis
information.

INFORMATION:Ameasureoftheunpredictabilityofamessage;thatis,themore
unpredictableamessageis,themoreinformationitcontains.Sincesystemstendto
disorder(accordingtothesecondlawofthermodynamics),wecanthinkofthedegree
oforderinasystemastheamountofinformationinit.Ordinarilyinformationis
transmittedasanorderingofenergy(asignal),inwhichtheenergyanditsordering(the
message)istransmittedfromoneplacetoanother.Dr.JackSarfattihassuggestedthat
thenonlocalityoftheERPeffectandBell'sTheoremmayentailtheinstantaneous
transferoforderfromoneplacetoanotherwithoutanyenergytransfer.Thuswecan
havebothBell'sTheoremandSpecialRelativity,sinceSpecialRelativityonlyprohibits
theinstantaneoustransferofenergyanddoesnotsayanythingaboutinstantaneous
transferofinformation.

NEURO:Aprefixdenoting"knownormediatedbythenervoussystem."Sinceall
humanknowledgeisneurologicalinthissense,everysciencemaybeconsidereda
neuroscience;e.g.,wehavenophysicsbutneurophysics,nopsychologybut
neuropsychologyandultimately,noneurologybutneuroneurology.Butneuroneurology
woulditselfbeknownbythenervoussystem,leadingtoneuroneuroneurologyetc.,in
aninfiniteregress.SeeVONNEUMANN'SCATASTROPHE.

NONLOCAL:Notdependinguponspaceandtime.Anonlocaleffectoccurs
instantaneouslyandwithnoattenuationduetodistance.SpecialRelativityseemsto
forbidallsuchnonlocaleffects,butBell'sTheoremseemstoshowthatquantum
mechanicsdemandsthem.Theonlysolutionsthusfarofferedtothiscontradictionare
thatnonlocaleffectsinvolve"consciousness"ratherthanenergy(Walker,Herbert)or
thattheyinvolve"information"ratherthanenergy(Sarfatti).

NONOBJECTIVITY:OneofthetwoalternativestoBell'sTheorem(theotherbeingthe
EverettWheelerGrahammodel).Inordertoavoidnonlocality,somephysicistssuchas
Dr.JohnA.Wheelerpreferthisoption,whichholdsthattheuniversehasnorealityaside
fromobservation.Theextremeformofthisviewsays"Esseestpercepi"tobeistobe
perceived.

POTENTIA:ThenamegiventothepresumedsubquantumworldbyDr.Werner
Heisenberg.Spaceandtimedonotexistinpotentia;butallthephenomenaofthe
spacetimemanifoldemergefrompotentia.ComparewithHIDDENVARIABLEand
INFORMATION.

QUANTUM:Anentitywhoseenergiesoccurindiscretelumpse.g.,photonsarethe
quantaoftheelectromagneticfield.Quantahavebothwaveandparticleaspects,the
waveaspectbeingtheprobabilityofdetectingtheparticleatacertainplaceandtime.

QUANTUMLOGIC:Asystemofsymboliclogicnotrestrictedtothe"eitherit'sAorit's
notA"choicesofAristotelianlogic.ChieflyduetoDr.JohnVonNeumannandDr.David
Finkelstein,thisapproachevadestheparadoxesofotherinterpretationsofquantum
mechanicsbyassumingthattheuniverseismultivalued,nottwovalued;Dr.Finkelstein
expressesthisbysaying"Inadditiontoayesandano,theuniversecontainsamaybe."
SeeE/GENSTATE.

QUANTUMMECHANICS:Themathematicalsystemfordescribingtheatomicand
subatomicrealm.Thereisnodisputeabouthowtodoquantummechanicsi.e.,
calculatetheprobabilitieswithinthisrealm.Allthecontroversyisaboutwhatthe
quantummechanicsequationsimplyaboutreality,whichisknownastheinterpretation
ofquantummechanics.TheprincipallinesofinterpretationaretheCopenhagen
Interpretationand/orNonobjectivityand/orBell'sTheoremand/orNonlocalityand/orthe
EverettWheelerGrahammultiworldsmodel.

QUIP:Thequantuminseparabilityprinciple.AnacronymcoinedbyDr.NickHerbertto
refertothenonlocalityimplicitintheEinsteinRosenPodolskyargumentandexplicitin
Bell'sTheorem.

STATEVECTOR:Themathematicalexpressiondescribingoneoftwoormorestates
thataquantumsystemcanbein;forinstance,anelectroncanbeineitheroftwospin
states,called"spinup"and"spindown."Theamusingthingaboutquantummechanics
isthateachstatevectorcanberegardedasthesuperpositionofotherstatevectors.

SUPERDETERMINISM:TheapproachtoquantumtheoryurgedbyDr.FritjofCaprain
TheTaoofPhysics.Thisinterpretationrejects"contrafactualdefiniteness";thatis,it
assumesthatanystatementsaboutwhatcouldhavehappenedaremeaningless.A
consequenceofthisviewisthatalldistinctionbetweenobserverandobserved,orself
anduniverse,alsobecomesmeaningless;Ihadnochoiceaboutwritingthisbook,Dell
Bookshadnochoiceaboutpublishingit,andyouhadnochoiceaboutreadingit,since
thereisonlyonethinghappeningandweareallseamlesslyweldedintoit.

SYNCHRONICITY:AtermintroducedbypsychologistDr.CarlJungandphysicistDr.
WolfgangPaulitodescribeconnections,ormeaningful"coincidences,"thatdonotmake
senseintermsofcauseandeffect.Itisthoughtbysomethatsuchconnectionsmay
indicatetheHiddenVariableatworkorsomesortofnonlocalInformationSystem.

VONNEUMANN'SCATASTROPHE:Morefully,VonNeumann'scatastropheofthe
infiniteregress.AdemonstrationbyDr.JohnVonNeumannthatquantummechanics
entailsaninfiniteregressofmeasurementsbeforethequantumuncertaintycanbe
removed.Thatis,anymeasuringdeviceisitselfaquantumsystemcontaining
uncertainty;asecondmeasuringdevice,usedtomonitorthefirst,containsitsown
quantumuncertainty;andsoon,toinfinity.Wignerandothershavepointedoutthatthis
uncertaintyisonlyterminatedbythedecisionoftheexperimenter.CompareNEURO.