The Availing Soul

By: Chris ODea

Sequence Scene w Characters Conflict/Symbolism Foreshadow
Time Period

A. Begin -Intense despair at the Mental health is tenuous Intro quote: Twas in
end of law school. multiple medications. another lifetime, one of
Moves in with parents Parents are upset about toil and blood
after Sara leaves him. inconvenience, scared, When blackness was a
Tina is only anchor- want the mess to go virtue and the road was
introduce Colins away. Heavy drinking- full of mud
rejection Mother father is worried with no
complex. Conflict solutions. Does not like The dream: A vision of a
shown through that he is impotent. healing angel that
dialogue with Tina at emanates love and
night. Boss Steve is Symbolism: Collins soul warmth but was
toying with his is ailing and perceived as almost a
vulnerability and contaminated. His sketch, morphing into
dislikes his defiance. suffering is a symbolic different forms,
Kaiser diagnosis and death that leads him in shapeless; when he
medical prescription, the direction of depth sought this loving energy
pressure to take more analysis and towards he was thoroughly
mood stabilizer. Psych Loren obstructed by mud and
tells him to finish law thick brush.
school and at the same
time pushes more Second psychiatrist
miligrams. Mother dosent think he is so
keeps the emergency crazy and is open to
anti-manic different diagnoses and
medication closeby in eventually discontinuing
the cabinet. Sister is medication.
married and has no idea
about Colins pain;
mother insists she is
spared. Sally must
remain a shining
beacon of mothers
perefection-narcissistic
mirroring
B. More Introduce the backstory Wants to help/parent
Stability of family dynamics. others as comp for his
Collin as keeper of the lack of good parenting.
emotions/identified Finds too many
patient. roadblocks

Tinas continues to stay

watchful and
supportive. He is fired
from Law Library.
Slowly decides to stop
the medication Feels
better but does not see
the light. Parents
influence him to take
the meds-conflicting
agenda. Begins
teaching-too many
triggers, problem with
authority and seeing the
Tremendous lack of
respect
Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the
darknesses of other people.
Where love rules, there is no will to power; where power
predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the
other.

Twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood

when blackness was a virtue and the road was full of mud.
I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form
come in, she said I'll give you shelter from the storm
~Bob Dylan~

When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as

fate.
~Carl Jung~

The atmosphere in the law library is quiet. Collin Gillian has been falling asleep lately
both on the job and while driving in the car. He is presently in jeopardy of failing out
of the law program in his third year of night-classes at the local, state-accredited law
school. Suddenly he is startled, excuse me, where is the practice guide for landlord
and tenant law? He jolts up from a mobile, office-style chair that he assembled
himself while at work one day. He waives his hand and begins to lead a disheveled
and desperate looking woman to the correct binders in the law library. The exchange
is brief and he leaves the woman quickly as he suspects the likely result if remains
there. She looks expectant, as though she wants him, or somebody, badly, to save her
from an all-consuming problem. Desperation is a familiar thing to him. He is wise to
this type of patron, and his experience as a library-assistant thus far leads him to think
that he will likely be answering endless questions that only a licensed attorney should
really answer. He also suspects that even if he musters up all his effort to listen to the
specifics of the problem and attempt to find the applicable law, this patron will be
dissatisfied with his assistance. This kind of imagined dilemma was also familiar to
him, but he was resolved to avoid it whenever he could, sometimes even at all costs.
He abruptly ends the exchange with the woman and walks away acting as though he
has satisfied his limited duty- to only direct her accurately without and to refrain from
giving a legal interpretation. He senses that, as he suspected, the woman is rather
dissatisfied, but today is not one of those good days where he can expose himself to
all the possibilities involved with the decision to put forth a strong effort and really
consider her problem. He is just in no condition. The good days where he is in
possession of that fresh mental energy required of the type of service he wishes he
could provide are ever so seldom. Despite what Tina keeps telling him, Collin often
sits and wonders whether this misery and mental fatigue he feels day after day will
ever end.
Collin sits back down at his seat and wonders whether he has taken his psyche pill yet
today. Feeling a surge of anxiety about the ambivalence, he starts tracking his morning
before he arrived in the library. The morning is the prescribed time to take one pill.
He is pretty sure he took it this morning but his thinking has been hazy, especially
since he began the medication. Lately, it has been easier for Collin to recall details
about experiences long ago than those closer in time.
He can now remember that he took the pill in the bathroom, but still he doubts the
recollection. He convinces himself that he did not deviate from his everyday routine
of taking the pill in the morning. Why the fuck is this so hard to remember? What are you
doing to yourself? You took it, and if you didnt, then just take it tomorrow! No big deal! Fuck
Collin, get it together would you!
Collin then drifts back to the argument he had with his father Bart about the
medication, conscious of the notion that he can choose to think about something else
more pleasant if he wants. Choosing your thoughts is a concept that Tina always
points out to him during the many hours they spend working and talking together in
the library.
Tina is the first person in Collins life who has really listened to him with an open-
heart. She knows and understands his story, his pain, and the tremendous struggle
that has beset him. She has introduced him to a relationship in which Collin is
accepted and shown empathy. There are no strings attached, although Collin tries to
create them. Tina can relate to the place he holds in his family; she has experienced
similar feelings and experiences, which was a motivation for her to earn an advanced
degree in psychology. She is convinced his story and experiences are real, and she has
met Collins father Bart. She knows his family problems constitute dynamics studied
in books. Most importantly, she knows his reactions to and anguish experienced in
his family seems natural and did not happen in isolation. She has the wonderful skill
of providing him an objective view, yet she knows the subjective side of the emotions
he has held for so many years without having a necessary container for them.
Collin has always had trouble of letting go of hurtful memories involving his parents;
he often turns them over and over in his mind. He does this in hopes of making
better sense of them, as if he hasnt seen things from the right perspective. He is not
sure of his own reality, since it has so often seemed like a bad dream. He wants these
memories to be better kept in his conscious, so that he can right these perceived
wrongs. There are too many wrongs to get his mind around.
The impulse to return to the thought of the recent and unpleasant conversation he
had with his father is too strong. He cant think of anything easier at the time. Just
let it fucking go. Remember that he is not aware of how his behavior hurts you. He has his own
inner-conflict. Trust that Tina is right on this. Why else would he so defensive all the time.
He still cant believe what had happened with his father, and how intense the feeling
of abandonment was for him at the time. Collin starts to replay the argument in his
mind.
It started when he shared with Bart his lack of confidence in the psychiatrist. It was
clear that Bart had a much different idea of how things treatment would turn out for
him. Bart had used this issue to express some real emotion about how he felt. This
was surprising to Collin, not only because Bart was such a repressed man, but also
because of his lack of regard for his struggle. Collin had waited around the house that
evening so he could catch Bart when he had come home.
Hey dad, I need to talk when you settle in.
Okay Collin, but I had a long and shitty day at work. Let me change out of this suit
and get a drink.
Sure.
Okay whats going on with you?
Well dad, I dont have a good feeling about the Dr. who is treating me at Kaiser.
Okay well she seemed nice to me when we saw her for the first appointment. I
thought she was strange, but everyone knows that all psychiatrists are nuts right?
Dad, its sort of beside the point that she is nice. I feel like absolute hell right now
and I have never before felt so strange and different. The Dr. wants me to increase
the dosage. She says the reason I am feeling this way is because I am taking too low
of a dosage. Im pretty scared here, and think I need to change something. I need
your help on this one dad, and I know you dont really like talking about this.
Collin, I really want you to stop telling me how I feel, okay? You have no clue how I
think or feel.
Well, you dont really ever talk about that, so how can I know.
Okay this is not going to become about me Collin. How am I supposed to know
what to do about a psychotropic medication issue?
I am sorry you are feeling a little under the weather, but I am a god damn attorney!
If the Dr. thinks that you should take the medication, then you should follow the
recommendation! Im sorry but this is my opinion on the matter, which is what I
believe you asked for.
Why are you being this way Dad?
What specifically do you want me to do Collin?
Well dad, there is not much I can say. Thanks for the wonderful support! I am sorry
that YOU are so inconvenienced by this whole thing! If only I would have known
how this would have affected you, then I wouldnt have DECIDED to become so
depressed!
Oh thats real funny.
At that point Collins anger compelled him to walk out the door as he could hear
Barts voice murmur something. He did not know where he would go, but he got in
his car and just started driving. He began driving down a long road that meandered
towards an area of open space that sometimes cleared his mind.
What the fuck is wrong with him? He acts like he is the one who has gone through the worst!
Whenever it gets tough, he can only think about himself. Same with her but only worse. Maybe Im
no different. They always say that I am so selfish, but how can I forget about myself when I feel like
this? He always says he cares about my well-being, so how can he be so insensitive towards the way I
feel? Fuck him! All he cares about is keeping her happy. He probably wanted to get rid of me so
they could have their six drinks together without me there. Fuck them both!
After Collin drove around for a while, he ended up at the law library with the
intention that he might be able to catch Tina. Sometimes just the thought that she
might be there made him feel better. Often he would decide not to divert her
attention to his problems and just study or read in one of the vacant study rooms near
the library.
This type of communication between Bart and Collin had become a pattern and
Collin still struggles with accepting it as a reality. When bad moments such as this
between him and his father take place, Collin believes in his mind that his father never
means what he says. He believes that Bart has a better nature underneath his words
and actions, buried beneath his own pain and struggles. He hopes and believes that
Bart will change one day, as if he is holding out for his best. It isnt clear why Collin
holds on to this hope. Perhaps it is because of experiences where he glimpsed his
tenderness. He cant really ground this hope in any real experiences that come to his
memory. The hope seems to live inside of his mind apart from any objective,
experienced reality. It is innately real to him though and keeps bringing him back to
his father with terribly misplaced expectations. He so much wants and needs to relate
to Bart in an authentic way where he can be accepted just as he is.

Chapter 2

Collin had recently moved from the nearby city of Oakmont back to his parents
home in the small suburb of Southgate, in the midst of what the Kaiser Hospital
Mental Health Department decided was a major depressive episode. During this
crisis time, his parents were resolute that he move back into his old room. They were
aware of how seriousness Collins depression was and fearful he might commit
suicide. They both were trying very hard to mask their ambivalence about Collin
living back home, since in the past they had experienced so much of his anger towards
them. Most of Collins angry behavior was directed at Annette but would eventually
end up towards Bart, who would typically try to rationalize, deny, or intellectualize her
self-centered decisions. At times Collin would even become angrier at Bart because it
seemed to him that Bart was more considerate towards others and was simply
choosing to defend Annette no matter what she had done.
At the time Collin moved home, his poor condition made him seem less threatening.
His severe depression made it difficult for him to show emotion. To an interested
observer, his desperation was most apparent. Never had he felt that frightened. It
was the first time he did not trust his own mind. Collin had initially mistaken his
parents act of taking him back in to their home in as a display of true generosity and
kindness towards his condition. But, like so many similar occasions, Collin eventually
came to see that their attitude towards this new living arrangement was not one of
reassurance, but rather one of resentment about this unwanted sense of obligation.
They were both worried about the possibility of Collins condition becoming worse,
thereby making their lives worse. In that respect, they wanted him to get better and
were willing to spend some money in doing so.
When Collin had made the move back to Southgate, he really believed that the gravity
of the situation would ignite a long-awaited breakthrough, wherein his parents would
finally change. This fantasy of them finally changing would have the effect of
liberating him from the strong, unpleasant feelings of entanglement with them that
plagued him his entire life. Collin never understood his underlying feelings of
incompleteness towards his parents, but they were always there. He felt like
something was unfinished and preventing him from growing apart from them in the
healthy and peaceful way that he wanted. He needed so many things that they could
not provide. These feelings were stronger towards his father, who, at times when he
was not preoccupied with his own drinking or Annettes frustrations or demands,
took a slight interest in his life.
Ever since childhood, Collin had always felt like his parents shared a lens that viewed
him in a poor light. Tragically, he was blind to the reality that he could never do or
say anything that could change how they saw him. They were largely consumed with
their own alcohol dependency and co-dependent relationship, as well as many
unresolved childhood fears. When he was not feeling anger towards or rebelling
against the way they saw and treated him, Collin was constantly trying to please his
parents or meet some unspoken and often unattainable expectation. He had not
discovered the truth that the only way for him to be seen more clearly was if his
parents underwent a transformation. Only if they saw themselves in a better light
would they be able to see him favorably. Both Bart and Annette had a serious inner-
conflict that would always cast a shadow on Collin and on one another. This shadow
was in part a projection of their poor self-concepts, and it motivated them to
scapegoat Collin such that he was identified as the independent source of their
problems. This was an unconscious device that diverted the focus from them onto
him. It also in effect shifted away from them any responsibility. They were both
quite determined to never have their own psyche examined.
Ever since Collin had moved out of the house, his parents had been almost entirely
focused on his sister Blythe. Blythe was now newly married to Matt, and Annette
placed a great deal of her energy towards her daughters marriage. Bart and Blythe
always got along very well and they both adapted to Annettes domineering
personality through their joint acquiescence. They both shared the attitude that
Collins resistance to Annette was the source of almost all the turmoil in the family
and had real trouble disagreeing with Annette. Bart and Blythe hated confrontation
for different reasons. Bart hated it because of watching his alcoholic parents
constantly fight for many years, whereas Blythe hated it because of witnessing Collins
intense anger towards Annette and all the fighting it led to during their childhood.
Collins parents took great pride in believing that their daughter Blythe was married
and had a good job. Annette was intent on becoming a grandmother one day. The
image of being able to spoil her grandchildren was her aspiration. Although it was
never stated, Bart and Annette both believed that Blythe would never have put them
in this type of situation that they now faced with Collin. Throughout the years Blythe
had become quite willing to meet Annettes many expectations. This amenability had
earned her a rubber stamp of approval. Blythes conformity was a great value to both
Annette and Bart as it served as a vindication from the notion that they had
responsibility for Collins struggles. Blythe provided them proof that Collins
problems came from somewhere independent of his experience in their family.
Before Blythe had met her husband Matt she would often come home for the
weekend to write her college papers. She was earning a degree in English literature
from the local university, which was ranked the number one public university in the
state. Earning a 4.0 grade point average in all honors courses in high school gave
Blythe a great foundation understanding time management, but she was extremely
challenged by the demands of her program. She was extremely stressed-out most of
the time and would often binge drink to decompress.
When Blythe would come home during her four years at the university, Annette and
Bart would do everything they could to make her feel less stressed. They would try to
create a safe place for Blythe, but after a while they found her moods to be almost
intolerable and began to resent how she came home and took over the house. At
some point in time Collin began to notice more clearly how Annette always gave
Blythe so much latitude.
Collin knew Blythe had become outspoken during her time at the university, but he
wondered why Annette had become deferential to Blythe. One day around the time
when Blythe was habitually coming home to Southgate for the weekend, Collin had
been there when Bart came home with Blythe in the car. Blythe stormed in the door
and did not even say hi to Collin when she saw him in the hallway. She quickly
gathered her things and left in her car. Bart came in behind her and Collin asked him
what had happened. Bart was hesitant to tell him that she and Annette had gotten
into some type of huge fight. Bart said that he didnt know what the fight was about,
but that Blythe called him to pick her up. Blythe had demanded that Annette pull the
car to the side of the road so she could get out.
Collin felt bad for Blythe when he saw her upset that day after her fight with Annette,
since he knew she was not confident with confrontation. Like him, she would often
times be overtaken with emotion. He left her alone that day because she preferred this
when she was upset. Unlike him, she did not always like to verbalize her feelings.
Collin suspected that this was not the first big fight between the two of them. He
figured Blythe was establishing boundaries with Annette, who was unaccustomed to
resistance and for the most part had free reign in the family. He felt happy about his
perception that Blythe was standing up for himself, remembering the time when he
had forgotten about the plans he made with Blythe to go skiing.
It was the previous winter and Collin had told her he was going to pick her up at 5:30
a.m. for a day trip up to the snow. He failed to set his alarm because he had used too
much marijuana the night before. He called her to apologize and she explained very
clearly that he could not treat her like that ever again. He really valued Blythe and
wanted to have a good relationship with her like when they were young kids. When
he called to apologize he wanted to explain to Blythe his depression and the marijuana
use, but he decided she would think it was a poor excuse. Collin was truly crushed
that he had let Blythe down that day. For a long time after that Blythe was cold to
Collin when saw each other.
Blythe was aware of Collins struggles with depression but had lost curiosity about his
life over the years, especially after she had met her husband Matt. Blythe became all-
consumed with Matt soon after they met. She began spending almost all her time
with him and they began living together in an apartment. This period of time was
difficult for Annette and Bart, because they rarely saw Blythe. She had regularly been
coming home for several days at a time and suddenly ceased. She felt comfortable
with Matt and he furnished a special kind of devotion that she sought. Annette and
Bart always felt an emptiness in their marriage and the perceived loss of Blythe
exacerbated this lack of fulfillment.
Collin kept a consistent interest in Blythe, but he knew it would difficult to have a
meaningful relationship with Blythe so long as she saw him as blameworthy. He had
increasingly felt mistreated by her in social settings, despite going way out of his way
to treat her well. Collin perceived her behavior as held resentment towards his
childhood anger and all of the pain it caused her. He felt that she blamed his anger
for her all of her childhood unhappiness. The sad thing was that she could not see
any of the context in which Collin was angry, and she was not curious about why he
felt this way. Her strong belief in his culpability was in large part the echo of
Annettes overbearing way of scapegoating Collin. Whatever neglect, criticism,
indifference, or mixed-messages preceded Collins anger was never mentioned. It was
his anger that viBlythe would always retreat to her room when Collin became angry
with Bart and Annette. She leaned to make her room into a designated safety zone,
often times playing her favorite music from her stereo The feelings she had of being
captive there
One time Collin and his friend Kyle ran in to her and Matt at a restaurant and decided
to join them at the same table. Suddenly, out of the context of the conversation,
Blythe snidely remarked about Collins mommy issues, which elicited a smile and
soft laugh from Matt. Collin was frozen in surprise but managed to conceal his
feelings from Kyle. After that, Collin often wondered why his sister, with whom he
was so kindred as children, seemed to have lost interest in him. This thought brought
him sadness and he sensed Blythe not only felt resentment towards him but also
thought of him as guilty of something that had not yet been articulated.
One time in the midst of his most depressed days, Collin had asked Annette one night
if Blyth knew about his condition. Annette immediately tensed up and insisted that
she be spared from knowing anything. Collin will never forget the almost hateful tone
she used when she looked at him, sighing, and then said, Collin, Blyth is happy with
Matt, and there is no reason she should have to deal with this whole thing.
Normally, Collin would and To them, she was clearly above and beyond the type of
problems Collin presented. She shone in their eyes, especially to Annette, who
meticulously organized and planned her wedding to Matt. The Gillian home in
Southgate was full of pictures of Blythe, most of which were of her wedding day.
Blyth was naturally beautiful and had an athletic body. She was smart and opinionated,
but she rarely challenged Annette and always gave in to her passive demands and
intrusions. Blythe was largely dependent on Annettes approval and was fearful of
ever disappointing her.
Blythes sense of identity was strongly connected to whether Annette seemed pleased
with her. Annette and Bart took great pride in Blythe and were relieved that she had
met their expectations. Around the time before Blythe was getting married to Matt,
Collin was surprised at how much Blythe indulged in the excessive attention and self-
importance of the event. He always thought of Blythe as one who could maintain a
larger perspective of things. It was the first time when Collin had to accept that she
and Annette shared similar qualities. This realization helped Collin understand some
of Blythes coldness and emotional distance towards him in the past. He knew she
Kaiser hospital in Southgate had assigned Collin to Dr. Eckhart, who had prescribed
for him a combination of a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant at that time based
on a tentative diagnosis of Bipolar II, after just a 30 min interview and observation.
Connor was amenable to taking the medication, that the mood stabilizer had made
him feel like an anxious zombie. He mentioned to her that he was falling asleep at
work and that he had almost crashed his car when he nodded off for a second on the
interstate. His best way of explaining to her how he felt was that his skin was
crawling. He was struck by Dr. Eckharts mechanical response to his deep emotional
pain; her lack of any perceptible empathy made him feel like he was caught inside a
bad dream. He did not know if he would ever feel normal again, and his thoughts
were becoming increasingly heavier.
Dr. Eckharts interaction with him solidified his initial mistrust; she would listen to
him and watch his expression as if she was studying an art project by an unknown
author. A project greatly in need of rearrangement. Her cold, distant style was
familiar to him, yet it was still disappointing. He was expecting warmth, a savior of
some kind. He needed to be saved from what seemed like an eternity of pain and
depression. But she was no savior, and rather, she took issue with his palpable
mistrust and anger with her. Her attitude conveyed that through some type of
medication she held the power to make him feel better. She also made it clear that
this was going to be a two-way street. He had felt bad most of his life, but he knew
this was a new low. It was the thought of all these depths of depression that wore at
his spirit. There had been many more valleys in his life than peaks, and he had been
inside a He somehow and did not want to end this whole thing on his own. He was
stuck.
.

Chapter 3
The couple days before Collin had moved back to his parents house in Southgate
were a disaster. Collins depression had changed from a low and agitated state to a
frightening feeling of dullness, compromising his basic daily functioning. He felt like
life was in slow motion. He could not really taste food, and he did not feel the
normal sensations of a warm shower or a jog around the neighborhood. The world
was cold and dark to him, and his mind was not only slowed, but it was
uncomfortably numb. He lived in a constant state of dread and thought he was dying
of some type of unknown disease. In his rational moments, he remembered the
recent doctor visit and the normality of his blood-work results, but he could not reach
the conclusion that it was his acute depression which was producing these physical
symptoms. Although depression had been attached to him for most of his life, he had
never been that low, and thus he could only conceive of the experience as if he had
begun the dying process.
Collin had called his father and did his best to make it clear that he could not pack his
boxes alone and needed help. Collin was aware that his mind had slowed, and he was
overwhelmed with the large amount of stuff in his apartment that needed to be
thrown out or packed in boxes. The organization required of the move frightened
Collin. He felt like he was being pulled down a bottomless hole already, and any
additional challenges were way beyond him. He pleaded to Bart for help with the
move, but Bart did not really understand the seriousness of Collins condition until
the night he came home.
That night, when Bart observed Collin in a stupor and practically unable to complete
basic tasks is when he encountered the sobering reality of his son. Barts was adept at
protecting himself behind a wall of denial, but Collins condition could not be filtered
or reconstructed. He had never seen any of his two children like that, and he had no
idea how to help. He tried his best to hide his anxiety and fear from Collin, keeping
true to his belief that a man should never reveal his emotions. Bart falsely believed
that he was masking his emotions by not expressing them, but any perceptive
observer could see that his behavior was reactive and in large part controlled by
unresolved, repressed emotions.
Bart was a man who reluctantly subscribed to the notion that masculine maturity was
to deny, suppress, and conceal all emotion. He was terrified of his own feelings and
those of others. Apart from his sensitive and emotional nature, Collin had always
been percipient, especially to the undercurrent of hidden emotion. Despite Barts
commitment to stoicism, Collin was keen on detecting Barts underlying fear about his
condition and felt guilty for creating yet another problem for his parents.
Collin remembered so well how Bart wept at his sister Marys funeral. Barts tears
seemed to never end that day. Aunt Mary was intellectually disabled and she had lived
a difficult life with very little joy. She abused drugs and alcohol and never lived apart
from Barts mother Martha. Mary was the second sibling of Bart to die too young.
Mary was only 40 years old when she died of cancer. His brother Martin was sixteen
years old when he died in a car crash. Until Martins death, he and Bart had shared a
room together in the basement of their home. Bart was 13 years old when Martin
passed, leaving him without his roommate and best friend. In the wake of the death,
Bart played solitaire for hours at night as he could not sleep. His family never
discussed Martin with each other, but the pain they carried with them was their way of
honoring his memory.
During the burial ceremony for Aunt Mary, Bart had looked at Collin with tears in his
eyes. Collin was shocked at first. Bart was so emotionally suppressed that he
emotions. Collin went to put his arm around him at the funeral and told him to let it
all out.
Its alright dad, let it come out. It has been a long time for you. What is it dad? Do
you feel bad for Mary and the life she had?
I do Collin. Maybe I should have helped her a little more.
She is in a better world now dad. Maybe we all should have helped more.
Thanks kid.
Collin felt relived and even happy for Bart when he allowed himself to feel. For once
Bart had let down all of his protective barriers. Collin felt like he connected with his
father, but shortly after the funeral Bart resumed the emotional distance that had
served him for so many years, for better or worse.
That first night Collin came back to Southgate, after taking a sleeping pill, he walked
out to the family room where he found Bart alone sitting quietly staring at the wall
holding a tall cup of whisky. He sat down across from Bart and began to talk.
Dad, what are you doing?
Oh nothing kid. Are you going to try and sleep?
Yeah.
Did you take the sleeping pill that the Dr. gave you?
Yeah dad, I did.
Hey dad, are you scared for me?
Well, a little.
Dont worry, I will come out of this.
I know you will Collin, I know you will. Now get some sleep, kid.
Before Collin had moved home, his mother had taken a sick day with her company to
help Collin move all his possessions into boxes. His large apartment was full of stuff
that needed to be packed. He had called his father Bart for help, but Bart told him
that he really could not make it away from work. Collin felt that the act of reaching
out to one of the few friends he kept for help was not really an option.
The three guys he considered friends were good guys, but they were not always
generous towards Collin, and they had let him down many times. It had been about a
year since they had been in regular contact. He had known them since high school,
and Collin felt they understood him to a limited extent. They had known Collin since
he was a young boy, and so they had a vague context for some of his struggles. Collin
was continually disappointed with all of them to varying degrees, as he held them to
standards that they were never capable of meeting. All three were attracted to the
good-naturedness of Collin, but at times they found his neediness and high
expectations to be awkward and even repelling. They were also aware of Collins rage
and had felt acute discomfort when they witnessed it.
Collin was closest to Tom, who understood Collin best because Tom experienced a
similar sense of abandonment and mistreatment in his childhood. Before Collin quit
drinking, he used to spend a lot of time with Tom at their favorite bar. He suspected
Tom would help him out, but he was reluctant to ask because Tom often did not
show much empathy for Collin. Tom was grappling with his own depression, using
alcohol as an escape. He was involved in an unhealthy relationship with his fianc
and was Collins state of depression at the time made the anticipation of his friends
inability or unwillingness to help him with the move see too much to bear. Like many
instances with others where he would need to risk a possible rejection, he simply just
decided to avoid the whole thing.
When Bart told Collin that his mother was coming to his apartment instead of him,
Collin was too weak to protest, but felt like that was the last thing he needed. He
suspected that she resented this perceived obligation, and was doing it as a favor for
Bart. He also suspected she saw this as an opportunity to justify her belief that she
had always been a good mother to Colin. This was a declaration she had defensively
made several times. No matter how emotionally selfish and needy she was herself,
Annette was adept at involving herself in conflicts and situations as an attempt to
make herself seem powerful and necessary. She was terribly uncomfortable and
threatened when Bart, Collin, or Blythe showed independence. Bart would often have
to insist that Annette let him handle his business affairs by on his own and with the
help of his partners. Annette was incapable of acknowledging her children or
husbands negative emotions, since she felt so empty herself and needed the other
family members to inflate her own self-image.
Collins suspicion of Annettes motive for deciding to come to his apartment that day
to help pack was cynical and like usual would never be confirmed by some honest
admission on her part. On a gut level, Collin knew that even in this time of crisis, his
mother was not there for him in a generous spirit, but for other ulterior, selfish
reasons. As he did with Bart, Collin sometimes held out hope that some dire
circumstance like this would bring out a better side of Annette. This fantastical
notion imagined her as generous, gentle-spirited, and kind towards Collin without any
expectation in return.

Collin was cynical also because over his lifetime, Collin had repeatedly demanded that
his parents avow their motives for certain actions, yet they were never comfortable
explaining themselves to him. They always maintained that Collin was not entitled to
that type of private information. There were only a few times when he felt like they
had been honest with him about why they had made difficult decisions. Every time
they were open and honest with Collin, he saw them in a very defensive and
uncomfortable posture. Collin had always wondered why his parents could not be
more open with him, and as a result he became frustrated and withdrew trust. He
desperately wanted the relief and comfort from having a healthy trust in them and
their intentions, but self-preservation led him towards isolation and suspicion. Sadly,
this guarded and grim outlook followed him into most other relationships and
interactions outside of the family.
Before his depression began to spiral, Collin had decided not to be around Annette
for almost a year. He had made this decision because of how unhappy he felt around
Annette, and because his girlfriend Shannon had observed and disliked some of
Annettes selfish and manipulative qualities. During the time when Collin had made
the difficult decision not to be around Annette and to by consequence avoid the many
family functions that Annette organized, Shannon had decided to break up with him
and move out of the apartment. The last event of what seemed like a perfect storm
was the tragic death of Collins former roommate Marc about a month after Shannon
moved out.
Marc had been on a self-destructive and reckless path for many years finding some
occasional, short-lived hiatuses where his larger-than-life personality convinced others
that he would land on his feet. Marcs excessive use of drugs and alcohol had always
been a problem, and Collin presumed Marc was intoxicated at the time when the
high-speed car crash occurred. Marc and his college teammate Dante, who was the
only passenger in the car with Marc, were air-transported to a nearby hospital where
they died of head trauma within hours of the collision. The vehicle that Marc
borrowed from a friend that night had collided with a bus stop structure on the side
of the road.
Collin had become close with Marc while living together in Fallbrook, the small city
where they attended high-school. Marc had some extended family living there at the
time and many people had known him for his athletic success. He was one of the
best high-school athletes to have ever come out of the area who drew large crowds to
see him play quarterback. Collin and Marc really identified with each others struggle.
They had formed an authentic bond through the way they openly communicated
about their emotions. They shared a similar reality and pain about the way their
alcoholic mothers had emotionally manipulated and abandoned them. Marcs wife
had filed for divorce about three years before he moved in with Collin. Marcs three
year-old daughter lived about 500 miles away with his ex-wife, who had full custody.
Before Collin had met Shannon, he had never fully discovered the depth of his
feelings negative feelings about his mother. He had spent much of his twenties using
alcohol and marijuana to mitigate his pain from Annettes coldness. Collin met
Shannon in his mid-twenties at a time when he was drinking and socializing as a form
of distraction, and he was not fully conscious of his emotional complex about his
mother.
Sara was kind and generous young woman, who had been a collegiate swimmer. She
was well-liked by everyone, and she really liked to socialize. Men loved the fact that
she liked to watch pro football and understood the rules and strategy. She did not
make a fuss about small things and was not overly concerned about looking pretty.
She had a very athletic figure with beautiful skin and blonde hair. She was the first to
show an interest in Collin, and he found her warmth soothing. Initially, Collin was
mistrusting of her affection for him and tried to push her away. Shannon persisted
with Collin and she eventually understood him better when he told her more about
Annette.
Shannon had initially liked Annette, but had become disillusioned upon seeing how
controlling she was with Bart, Blythe, and Collin. Shannon really enjoyed being
around Bart, but she began to feel uncomfortable with Annettes inability to make
considerations for others. Shannon could not believe it when Annette once intruded
on a birthday party dinner she had planned for Collin. Shannon had invited some
friends of Collin as well as a few couples that they had become friends with over the
years. Annette contacted Shannon and was adamant about changing the restaurant
and the guests, explaining that she and Bart were going to treat but that Collin would
want family members there. She went ahead and invited family members, as well as
some of her friends. It ended up being a party of 20 at upscale restaurant in a private
room. Collin did not really have fun and Shannon was upset about the whole thing.
Annette and Bart drank too much as they usually did at social functions. This always
made Collin uncomfortable, and what he disliked most was his observation that they
put forth great effort in presenting themselves in a favorable light, so they were seen
as generous parents who honored their son on his birthday.
Collin dated Shannon for about two years before they moved into an apartment
together. Shannon was responsible and ambitious young woman who really saw the
good nature of Collin. They were pretty happy together until Shannon began to see
that Collin needed more than she was capable of giving. It took Shannon about a year
to detect the abandoned, childlike aspects of Collins personality. She saw that
intimacy scared him and that he could be intrusive and controlling. Shannon came to
realize that Collin was emotionally wounded and that he did not see himself a valuable
person. As a consequence, she eventually started to doubt her own love for him and
how it could be reciprocated in the way she needed and deserved.
Shannon began to pay more of the rent than Collin, since he was working at a grocery
store at the time and made a low hourly wage. Collin was working part-time because
he had started attending night school law courses. Due to his visual processing
learning disability, the assigned case-briefing took him a long time. He did not have
time to work full-time and finish all the assigned reading. Collin was drinking a lot at
night when he and was but to his surprise, this decision to be absent from their
home in Southgate or at any family gatherings did not have much of an impact. The
decision was a protest to the way he felt and was treated in the family his whole life
with Annette at the helm. He thought this was the best way to communicate this
message to his parents. He was trying to make his claim in an adult way. Bart had
asked him at the time what he was trying to gain from this decision. Collin had told
him that his life was happier without her in it and that this realization was difficult for
him to accept. Bart had made it clear that this was difficult for him as well.
The day Annette came to Collins apartment was terrible for him. He did not want
her there, but he had arranged the movers to be there the next day and had no other
help. When Annette showed up, she looked disappointed that he was not happier to
see her. He bluntly told her that he was confused and exhausted. Although Collin
was usually capable and thorough, he told Annette that he needed her to do most of
the work. The heavy furniture was arranged to taken by the movers, but there were
hours of work to do with the organizing and boxing of all the stuff around his large
apartment.

Chapter 2

Throughout Collins life he had played a role in the family where he was the
emotional communicator. He had no problem being honest with his feelings about
the unfairness he saw in the family. Collin detected the autocratic, unloving way in
which Annette ran the family at a very young age. He negatively responded to the
Annettes lack of emotionally generosity and how her neurotic behavior deprived him
of the little affection he received from Bart. Bart did his best to make Collin and
Blythe feel important, but his first priority was to Annette. Her insatiable need for
attention and control was a real challenge for Bart. Playing the role of the dutiful
problem-solver, he gave what energy he had to Annette. Annette was exhaustive, and
Bart felt like when he gave his best it was never good enough. Other than Collins
outbursts, most of the attention in the family went to Annette. Both Blythe and
Collin did not have much of an opportunity for natural expression, and they each had
different ways of coping with this neglect.
Collin began to act out in anger both at home and at school. Blythe became rather
shy and at times withdrawn. When home she was fearful of Collins anger, and it
made her really sad. Collins lack of restraint and negative outbursts became the
determined problem in the family. Blyth really resented Collin for his anger, which
was a compensatory response to the emotionally repressive environment. It was his
way of denouncing the stilted and bizarre model of communication in the family, and
how it forbade any negative feelings on the part of the children. Collin would often
try and console Blythe when she would get upset about his outbursts, but she would
lock the door to her room and tell him to leave her alone. He did not realize how
upset his anger made her feel, and she blamed him for the reason why no one was
paying more attention to her emotions.
Annette and Bart had established a pattern of communicating within the family that
gave Annette great latitude to discuss whatever problem or discontent she was
experiencing. To Annette, the only acceptable expression of negative feelings were
her own. She tended to repeatedly enumerate her challenges with many of lifes
imperfections and uncontrollable aspects as if they were the source of all her
unhappiness. She would announce things to people as though she was constantly
trying to reclaim some position of authority. Her baseline frustration and anxiety was
so high that it had an arresting effect on people. It was not unusual for her to weep
after showing intense frustration, or to abruptly storm off to her room and close door
during a conversation the moment she felt Bart was unsupportive or preoccupied with
some other stressor.
Annettes intolerance of her childrens negative feelings was related to her own
struggle. She was an intense display of many repressed, unidentified emotions. Her
sense of self was a construction of how she wanted to be, but it did not include the
dark qualities of her personality. She had disowned much of her personality, and this
created a constant angst. She could not cope with the negative emotions of her
children because they did not reflect well on the distorted image of herself as an
adequate mother. She was extremely reactive when either Bart or the kids reacted
negatively to her, since this reflected the part of her that she did not want to see.
Sadly, as a result of the unexamined and untreated abuse she experienced in her
childhood, was a drive to avoid situations where she was vulnerable. There was
almost nothing Annette wouldnt do to be in position of power. The stressful
moments when
The rigid and domineering parts of her complex personality were most pronounced.
She and Bart had an unspoken agreement in their marriage that she would never have
to be accountable for the unacknowledged anger and abusive nature. He knew her
neurotic behavior came from a dark place in her childhood. The sparse details
Annette had shared with Bart about her childhood were enough for him to have great
sympathy for Annette. With few exceptions, Bart would consistently yield to her
ceaseless criticism and occasional berating of him and the kids. Although Bart had his
own unresolved trauma from childhood, he was much better than Annette at hiding
his emotions. Although the arrangement was that Barts feelings were subordinate, he
preferred the privacy and did not like being the center of attention. He was extremely
repressive and was quite skilled at compartmentalizing his experiences.
Annettes needs were paramount in the Gillian family, and on some level Collin knew
this setup was unfair. Collins emotional authenticity towards the family and his
indignation was perceived as threatening to Bart and Annette, and it was thus
discouraged in just about every way. Collins role in the family as the unhappy and
angry member was unsettling to Bart and Annette. Collins behavior was threatening
because they sensed that his problems were enduring. Collin represented to Bart and
Annette the product of their own unexplored inner-doubts about themselves, their
marriage, and their ability to meet the emotional needs of their children. He was a
constant reminder that despite all their maneuvering, denial, concealing, and
scapegoating, they were in many ways responsible for this monument of a family
problem. A problem that was so cumbersome that they feared a true and honest
examination of it would destroy them.
During the week after Bart got home from work, Annette would bid Bart to
attentively listen to her stressful job-related problems. They would usually sit together
in the living room after Annette would ask Bart to make her a drink. Annette and
Bart were both highly-dependent on alcohol when they met, and much of their way of
relating to each other was through alcohol consumption. Several drinks were
consumed before Annette would begin to prepare dinner. Many times dinner was not
served until eight thirty. Drinking would continue throughout dinner and this
hampered the communication with Collin and Blythe.
For Anette and Bart alcohol use was not only a way of coping with the stress of life,
but also a way of repressing painful emotions about their childhood. They drank to
avoid the emptiness felt within themselves and their relationship. They could not
relate to one another on any real emotional level, and this created a loneliness.
Alcohol use made it easier for Bart and Annette to accept or dismiss different pieces
of reality, allowing them to construct an insular, alternate world. Alcohol muddled
the stark contrast of many empirical experiences and their alternate worlds. Since
they both lacked a developed sense of their own individuality, they shared this
alternate reality, which formed a foundation to their relationship. I
Annettes fluctuating moods and ceaseless criticism and demands in effect devoured
the family energy. Although Bart, Collin, and Blythe were rendered emotionally
drained, Annette never attained that feeling of fullness and control she so desperately
needed. This emotional and direct way of communicating was perceived as
threatening to Bart and Annette, and it was thus discouraged in just about every way.
Bart and Annette were very uncomfortable with Collins negative feelings towards
them, consistently pointing out that his anger or frustration were unacceptable to
them and had no place in their house. They were almost always in agreement when
dealing with Colin and would jointly state that his anger was a perfectly good reason
for them to both to end a discussion.
It was business as usual for Bart and Annette to parent this way, walking away from
Collin right as he would start an emotive episode with the predictable angry yelling
and pacing, which was the cue for his parents to leave him. They would methodically
walk away from him as he screamed for them to listen to his feelings. These
unwelcomed feelings surrounded so many things about them that he wanted and
needed to be different. Much of his childhood Collin diligently fought the two of
them, but did not have the faculty as his age to articulate his needs and how they were
both woefully failing to meet them. He was too young to identify their conscious
decision to abandon and even punish his negative emotions. He was not abstract
enough to see and how in many ways they were establishing a system where he would
he was going to be held responsible for the family problems and they were not.
Possessed with just an angry childs mind and the determination to make things
better, Collin was left alone with feelings of deep hurt and mistrust.
Anette had no trouble leaving Collins difficult outbursts. She had bid Bart to follow
her parenting model, and he would defer to her in order to avoid conflict. Bart hated
all emotionally charged interactions and would go to great lengths to prevent a fight.
Annette was also quite skilled at punishing Bart if he resisted her and he was
vulnerable to this type of abuse. During a particularly stressful period for Annette at
work, Bart had overtly disagreed with her one night about how she berated Collin.
Annette was irate with this perceived betrayal, and instantly decided to pack a bag and
drive to her sister Joannes house over an hour away. Annette and Bart had spoken
with each other about how to respond to Collins emotional troubles. Annette insisted
that they not give in to Collin, as in her mind they were both working way too many
hours to deal with that kind of behavior at all night. Bart reluctantly agreed to this
this way of parenting and became more and more anxious about Annettes
disaffection with Collin.
Annette was very smart and knew how to gain the favor of certain people in the real
estate world that could advance her self-interests. She was determined and ambitious,
working very hard to achieve her many goals related to commercial real estate
management. Although she successfully achieved many of her goals and received
several promotions, she never seemed to feel content when she came home. She
established a reputation in the commercial real estate world for being tough and
competent. Despite her professional faade, she did not respond well to stress and
demanded perfection. The power she gained in her profession provided some level of
comfort, but this satisfaction quickly dissipated once she came home. The transition
from executing at work and then at home was difficult. Annette saw how things
werent as smooth at home and that more was at stake. She wanted all the different
personalities to follow suit. Her expectations of Bart and the kids were curious. It
was almost as if she expected them to mechanically act a particular way that served
her need. The tension at home caused by the general unhappiness and underlying
emotions was disconcerting to Annette. It made her feel like things were in a
shambles and that Bart lacked the ability to help her clean up the mess. Sometimes
she could glimpse the wounded nature of her children, but she would stubbornly
repudiate this outlook and return to her alternate world.
When Collin and his sister Blythe were in grade-school, Annettes job was quite
demanding and she was wound tighter than ever. The minute she came in the door
after work, she would quickly march to her room to change her clothes. She would
then muster up the little remaining energy she had so she could present an even-
keeled persona to the person she had hired for child supervision. She would ask this
high-school or college-aged woman several questions about their personal lives, so as
to extend a courtesy, and once they left the house is when she would unravel.
Collin was keen to the time when the hired caretaker was preparing to leave. He
would become anxious and angry because he knew that Annette was a killjoy and that
she was not comfortable with fun or levity. She had almost complete power over
parental decisions and how the house operated. When Annette was around there was
no time for Colin to be wild and learn the natural laws of the world. His behavior was
expected to fit within the narrow parameters of an environment she felt was
controllable.
Bart, who was extremely uncomfortable with parenting responsibilities mainly because
he lacked parental confidence, was fine with this arrangement. Annettes thick faade
took a lot of energy to maintain, and in the evening it would suddenly morph into a
starkly different personality. She became angry, irritable, and impetuous. She would
sharply demand that the house be perfectly clean and that she did not want to listen to
any wining or bad attitudes. Her faade concealed her attitude of deep resentment
towards the pressure of parenting and work responsibilities. There were times when
she would slam doors and bang the pots and pans down on the counter. She would
sometimes stop what she was doing, sit down, close her eyes with her head faced
down, and then weep.
Most every school day at around six in the evening Collin would start anxiously
vacuuming the carpet in anticipation of his mothers arrival. Endlessly searching for
her recognition of his dutifulness, he was often disappointed. Collins other
motivation was fear of criticism. He was terrified of the harangue that followed the
days when the house was messy. He always felt like he could never win with Annette.
Even when he had done his homework and then meticulously cleaned much of the
house, she still found something to the family room Days when Collin or Blythe had
friends over were a lovely refuge from Annettes aggression, for she was quite
conscious of how she was perceived to outsiders and felt that she could not take the
same liberties with others present. She had created a domain where she could impose
her every whim
Blyth had become the quiet girl, ready to please Annette so she would stay in her
good graces. She was a sweet girl, whom everyone at school liked very much. She
had become shy and cautious as a consequence of Collins strong personality type and
his demands for attention. She and Collin were practically inseparable as young kids-
always playing outside and exploring the large hills of open-space around their
housing development with the neighborhood children. They grew apart partly due to
age and Collins intensifying anger. Collin thought of Blythe as a sacred and innocent
gift to him and the family. She was the purity that was lacking in the family. It was
important to him to be good to her. She hated the uncontrolled emotions Collin
exhibited, and it frightened her to see him fight with her parents. Blythes
introversion and willingness to please were
Evening time, when activities slowed and the Gillian family sat down for dinner was
confusing to Collin.

His father came to visit him only once during this time, and he explained to Collin
when he arrived that he was under time pressures. Collin had an immediate sense
upon Barts arrival that he was unhappy about being there and that he wanted to get
home. Collin remembers their exchange.
Dad, you have been looking at your watch ever since you got here. You can leave if
you feel that uncomfortable being here. You were that one that called me dad!
I am here Collin. Im not sure why do you always have to make everything so
difficult.
Difficult? You are anxious as hell sitting there, and I dont fucking understand why
you insisted on coming out here when you seem this uncomfortable being here. That
seems difficult to me!
Collin, I do have to get home to your mother for dinner. I have other responsibilities,
like a marriage.
Did she tell you to not stay out here too long?
No, but I told her I was coming home for dinner. She is my wife you know.
When

The day Annette had come over to help Collin pack the whole apartment into boxes
was awkward and difficult for both of them. Collin could not think straight from
being so depressed and exhausted; he had not been able to sleep at all the night before
and his pallid color was noticeable to Annette, who tried to stay on task, mindful of
the large amount items that needed packing and the small amount of they had. Collin
was in a constant state of fear at that point, feeling a sensation like he was being
pulled down into some bottomless pit.
Annette used her sharp focus and ability to do most of the work and did her best to
create a semblance of control. At one point in the day, she had lost her composure
saying Collin, I need you to help me out here. Collin read her face and saw what he
had seen many times. It seemed like she wanted to be anywhere but there helping
him with this task and seeing him like that. He was hurt when he saw this, but he
could not feel any worse than he already did. The pain was disappointment and
shame, as he always held out some hope that she would be different to him and that
he would appear different in her eyes.

Chapter 3

He sits back down behind the law library front desk and slowly begins supplementing
the law books, hoping the woman does not return any time soon. Maintaining a slow
pace with this tedious work isnt easy for him today, but he tells himself it is work he
can do, and that there is dignity in it. In the kindest manner Tracy reminds him of
this, every now and then. Collin remembers that his director, Steve Feller, will be out
for the rest of the day at a staff meeting. Collin is relieved. He will not have to
witness any petty tyrannies take place this in the library this afternoon.
Collin is presently in danger of failing Constitutional Law, which would lower his
average below the minimum required to keep good standing. He had failed the As
minutes go by without interruption, he begins a tense rumination. Most of the time
his strong thinking about the past fails to bring him some newfound insight, for it is
this which he earnestly seeks. An insight that will perhaps bring him relief from the
anguish and allow him to recover something lost. What it is he wants to recover is
unsure, but he knows he cant live this way forever. The constant state of suffering
feels to him like it will eventually take his life.
The library is quiet like one would expect, but he senses an intensity emanating from
the diligence and personas of the attorneys and students who use the books and
desks. They give the place a soft buzz that lately has not been easy for him to be
around.
As he drifts to that familiar place in his mind where he tries to piece it all together,
hopeful of the power of hindsight, a memory conjures. He spends much time
examining the sequence of things, his life, trying to find the exact cause and effect of
how and why his life came to be like this-so hard to live each day. Half willing and
unwilling, he now goes back to one of those enduring memories. It is of a childhood
baseball game.
He finds himself on the pitchers mound as a twelve-year boy, desperately wanting
and looking for a way out. He remembers the game was tied. Although some details
are vague, many are vivid and the image of this moment in time is almost radiant.
His mouth is dry and his stomach is knotted, which was a familiar feeling to Collin at
quite a young age. This feeling of anxiety reminds him of the period of time around
the age of ten or eleven when he couldnt fall asleep at night, recalling that day when
he stayed home from school because he did not sleep one wink. That was a terrible
night for him. He can still hear his mothers shrill voice. You need to go to sleep!
What the hell is that kind of thing to say to a child with insomnia? He cant remember how
old he was. Fourth grade maybe.
Thinking back to the game, he remembers the coaches intently looking at him from
outside the dugout with mixed feelings. His father, Bart, was the assistant coach and
he visualizes how he wore his hat backwards wearing a coaches jacket. He can still
see him holding the scoring binder card, which he loved to complete while chewing
sunflower seeds.
The situation was that he had been elected to take the mound because Scotts arm was
hurting. There were no other better options and he had somehow get two outs against
the Orioles, the best team in the league.
Scott was the head coachs son, and was the best player on the team. He was a
likeable kid with a good attitude who many times helped Collin in avoiding a breaking
point. Scott had a mature sense of spotting the start of one of Collins mental
breakdowns, using his best encouragement to try and bring him some confidence.
This situation was difficult, and he did the best he could to encourage Colin. You
can do this Collin, just concentrate and throw strikes, Scott said with a reassuring
nod. Im all over the place like usual! Collin had just thrown three straight balls
missed by no close margin. Just throw it to the mitt Collin! Simple!
As Scott left the mound and trotted to the short stop position, Collins anxiety
heightened. The feeling that overtook him was paralyzing, as if he like he didnt have
something he needed. Like he was doomed to fail. He wished he could feel like
Scott, just for a while, for then this would be easy.
The magnitude of this event snuck up on him, and he felt a strong unfairness about it
all. He remembers it was like he was doing the whole thing for someone else yet
without really agreeing to it on his own.
His fingers slightly trembled as he squeezed the ball and placed his foot against the
rubber. He could hear the parents yelling out from the bleachers; he can see their
faces. They had lost perspective. He hated seeing parents act this way. He had seen
this before many times, and it always produced an intense feeling of insecurity. He
would often think to himself that they should be the ones playing out here.
As he stood on the mound in the final inning with the bases loaded, he can vividly
recall the look on his fathers face. This look was one of utter discomfort; he knew
the look well. It was as if his father labored to conceal his anxiety and doubt about
Collin being in this situation. He perceives the look by his father to be misplaced, as
if he was the one on the mound.
Bart Gillian was overexcited that year about being the assistant coach that year. He
loved baseball, leaving work early most days so he could make it to practice. Bart had
an almost unfounded sense of how good the team would do that year. Collin
persistently complained to Bart about his dislike for playing on the team that year, but
Bart was consistent with his usual response, Im not raising a quitter.
Bart really got along with Scotts dad Marc, the head coach, and the two coaches and
their wives began to have dinner parties together. They were both quite competitive
and respected different things about one another. One night they drank too much
while sitting in a hot tub and caused quite a scene. Bart had trouble getting out of the
spa that night and Collins mother had to help get him out. Collin was beside himself
when he became aware of his fathers drunken state, but this was not the first time he
had seen this and his father was always in good spirits when he drank with friends.
He cant remember who the last batter was, but does remember that Tom Gianni, the
best player in the league, was on third base and posed as the winning run. Collins
lankiness made for a decent fastball at that age, especially since the mound was only
45 feet. Consistently throwing strikes though was always a problem for him. He
threw

Was she at that game? She did attend some of his sports events, but he cant recall.
His intuition says no, but that cant be trusted. After all, he questions himself so
much that he often times resigns and lives in the confusion. He is reminded of his
dads voice repeatedly telling him to stick to the facts and to not read into things.
What he can remember about her involvement during this time in his life when he
played little league baseball was that she went to some of his games. Which ones did
she go to? He settles with probably the most important ones-at Barts request.
Annette always made it perfectly clear when she disapproved of something, and did
not balk at removing herself from events that did not interest her, especially if they
were unpleasant. More clear to him than whether or not he remembers her attending
a particular game was the resonance of her usual remarks. You are VERY sensitive
and VERY emotional, she would admonish. When baseball, basketball, or soccer
games were over and it was time for dinner, there was no mistaking that she was in
charge. Before dinner, it was common for Annette to declare that they were going to
have a nice and pleasant dinner. She hated when Collin was angry or frustrated at
dinner, which was often the case because of some athletic
Annette was constantly frustrated with Collins negative emotions. He can see now
that these attempts to bring him shame or guilt, never really caused him to resort to
utter suppression. It actually made him more emotional by way of protesting her
method.

At times his athletic talent had shone, but they know that something powerful in his
mind is working against him. His father never liked this and had trouble talking about
it. Difficult topics without immediate solutions produced great anxiety for Bart.
Since he took such a strong interest in Collins athletic performance, this did bother
him quite a bit. He loved when his son succeeded. One time he struck out the side in
the last inning to win the championship game and he bought him a box of his favorite
baseball cards. His happiness about this victory and performance was almost peculiar
made Collin feel strange. He can now remember also feeling disappointed because
there was confusion about his fathers reaction; it was as if some emphasis was
misplaced. He thinks to himself: why was he so happy about that? And why was I so
inhibited, unable to feel the joy of the experience?
The coaches knew well about his inner struggle. The manifestation of it was most
often anger, but was also at times an outward show of apathy and disrespect for the
significance of the sport and the team. A Fuck the WHOLE Thing approach! His
anger and frustration sometimes gave him the fuel to perform, but more often it went
the other way. Unwittingly, he played for recognition and
As he stands on the mound with the game tied in the final inning with runners on
second and third, the emotions well up, such that he is almost cant wait for it to end.
The assistant coach, his father Bart Gillian, labors to hide his anxiety and doubt, a
feeling that not only bonded the two of them, but were obvious personality traits.
They exhibited and negotiated their anxiety and doubt in similar and different ways,
but it created intimacy-something he realizes that was so hard for Bart, and that is
now a struggle for him.
His father Bart was a practicing attorney, who was not a person to distinguish his
profession from his identity. After all, many professionals do the same.

Bart had an intense love for baseball, especially the deliberate strategy that he felt he
understood quite well. He had gone out of his way to secure the assistant coaching
position of the little league team that his son had played for the previous two seasons.
The A league in this sprawling suburb of San Francisco was serious business. He can
almost still see the seriousness of this little league reflected on the parents faces. He
hated the feeling he got of seeing all the performance sports cars pull up in the
parking lot, and these parents wanted you to know that they were playing the game,
and winning! Competition and arrogance saturated the whole place. Even the
announcer and official scorekeeper has a stillness and arrogance that permeated the
atmosphere like sColins stomach was pitted and his mouth dry. The lankiness of his
thin, strong arm made for a decent fastball, but he was not up for this. All he wanted
to do the whole season was hit a home run and strikeout Tom Gianni; he hated Tom
Gianni! Neither of these things had happened. In fact, Tom had ripped his fastball
every time he had faced him. As the anger about this pressure builds, Collin thrusts
his fastball that is called Ball four. The third base runner-Tom Gianni- smirks as he
trots to home plate to score the winning game. He walks off the mound with that
same look that those observing parents know all too well. He throws his mitt with
more force than any of the pitches he had thrown. It hits the fence that prevents it
from flying right into the crowd of concerned, disappointed, and puzzled faces that
make up the group of parents of the losing little league team.

Certain pronounced memories such as this one are held by Collin as inextricable parts
of him, a collection of different pieces of a picture that depicts his inner world. The
feelings of these memories usually come back first and are fresh; they are the same
unwanted feelings that still plague him now into his thirties. Much to his discomfort,
it is guilt, shame, and self-loathing that orient him to this world. These feelings have
effectively exhausted him. Life has become too large and heavy for him, like he is
buried underneath it and needs to come up for air.